#survived a 10 hour clinical today with kids

[appalachianwiine]

Swim - Chapter 7 - You’re Not Alone

I wanna roll up,

I'm gonna roll up my sleeves.

I'm gonna fight for you,

I'm gonna fight till I bleed.

So, listen to me now.

“You’re Not Alone” by Marie Miller

True to Dr. Rhee’s word, Lydia’s nausea starts that evening and even with zofran she’s up most of the night throwing up and dry heaving. The short clusters she does sleep are spent pressed against Daryl, his shirt tightly fisted in her hand almost in a panic that he might disappear. Daryl doesn’t manage any sleep himself aside from the occasional dose. 

By the time daylight seeps back into the room, dripping through the blinds and over the bed clothes, Daryl is exhausted. His back is killing him from holding Lydia propped up all night long, and the idea of coffee is very much appealing. However this morning Lydia is resistant to the idea of breakfast. Her stomach still feels bad, she complains and she wants him to stay with her. Finally after firmly telling her he hadn’t slept last night and needed to get some coffee, but that he’d be back in ten minutes, she relents. She climbs off his lap into the other half of the bed and nestles up with the pillows, falling asleep again in minutes. 

At the elevator, he finds Ezekiel stepping in, this time pushing a wheelchair. The boy inside it is a ghostly shell of the one who two days ago had been giggling with his daughter. Henry’s almost translucent now, and his eyes look dully ahead. Ezekiel doesn’t look much better, his ashen face betraying the exhaustion of the last couple of days. Evidently he hadn't been sleeping either. 

“Cafeteria?” Daryl asks, pressing the button for the floor. 

“Radiology.” Ezekiel mutters, reaching past him and pressing the button for the floor before the cafeteria. 

“Everything okay?” Daryl asks, the answer is a heavy ‘no’ that hangs in the air between them but what is he supposed to do? Pretend they’re not there. 

“I can’t poop.” Henry’s tiny voice speaks up from the wheelchair. 

“Yes, some, tummy trouble.” Ezekiel mutters. “They’re doing a dye with contrast to make sure there’s no blockage.” 

“Oh.” Daryl frowns. “Sorry kiddo.” 

“Yeah.” Henry mutters.

“How’d Lydia handle her first chemo?” Ezekiel asks. 

“She uh - she was up most of the night bein’ sick.” Daryl sighs. “Don’ wanna eat this mornin’ but I think I’m gonna pick somethin’ up fer her anyway.” 

“Try the waffles.” Henry mumbles. “No butter or syrup.” 

“Really?” Daryl frowns. 

“Henry has an easier time keeping them down then other things.” Ezekiel nods. 

“Thanks kid.” Daryl offers a smile. 

“Yeah.” Henry nods. The elevator doors open to the radiology floor and Ezekiel pushes the wheelchair out. “Tell Lydia i say hi.” 

“I will kid. Good luck.” Daryl nods, watching the doors slide closed again and cut off his view of Henry and Ezekiel. 

Lydia does manage to keep a few bites of waffle down, but whether that’s some magical waffle power or the medication finally kicking in he isn’t sure. Either way she spends most of the day napping and watching TV. Part of him is thankful for that, it lets him have some much needed sleep too, but another part is acutely aware of how out of character this is. In 24 hours from her first dose of chemo she’s gone from a rough and tumble kid to one who wants to sleep all the time. 

After a few hours awake in the afternoon, Lydia falls asleep after dinner - which was another few bites of waffle from the cafeteria - Daryl’s considering sleeping himself when there’s a light knock on the door. He jumps up to answer it, not wanting Lydia woken. 

Carol. 

Shit, the support group. 

“Oh shit.” He mutters. 

“I figured you either weren’t planning on coming or you forgot.” Carol says, holding out a coffee cup. “I’m not taking either for an answer.” 

“I - Lydia just fell asleep.” Daryl says, taking the coffee. “She’s had a rough night I can’t - I can’t just leave her.” 

“It’s an hour.” Carol says. “Trust me Daryl I know how hard this is, I went through it too, but you need this, for Lydia as much as for you.” 

“Who’s going to sit with Lyd?” He asks. 

“The nurses can keep an eye on her.” Carol says. “I’ve already talked to Sasha about it, she’ll check in every ten minutes.” 

“I don’t -“ 

“And I left her your cell number she’ll call if Lydia wakes up and then you can leave.” Carol insists. “Just try one meeting, we’re not all bad.” 

“Right.” Daryl sighs, looking back at his sleeping daughter. She was out pretty good, and if her last few naps were any indication she’d remain asleep for a couple of hours. “Alrigh’, but she wakes up an’ I’m comin’ back.” 

“Good.” Carol smiles. “Come on, the chapel’s this way.” 

“Chapel?” Daryl frowns. “‘S this a religious thing?” 

“Not really.” Carol says. “But the chapel is the best place for it, it’s a little more homey then the conference rooms and not as impersonal as some of the lecture halls.” 

“What about that room?” Daryl points to the one he’d signed the forms in. “It’s pretty homey.” 

Carol’s blue eyes dart to the door and then quickly away, she swallows hard. “Some of us… have bad memories with rooms like that.” 

“Wh-what d’ ya mean?” Daryl asks, suddenly uneasy, as they pass the door to the small suddenly ominous room, and stand in front of the elevators. 

Carol doesn't’ answer until the elevator doors slide open and she steps inside, pressing the button for the third floor. “That room… that room is usually used to deliver bad news. It’s - it’s the room where some of us learned our kids weren’t going to make it.” Evidently the horror is clear on his face because she offers a weak smile. “Sorry. I know they - they use it for other stuff too but that memory is… it prevails.” 

“Sorry.” Daryl says finally. 

“It’s fine.” Carol assures. “You didn’t know. But yes, the chapel is easiest, it fits us all pretty nicely too.” 

“‘s Ezekiel gonna be there?” Daryl asks. 

“No.” Carol shakes her head. “Henry isn’t… he’s had a rough day.” 

“Blockage?” Daryl asks. 

“Well No.” Carol frowns. “Just constipation I think, but they’re having trouble figuring out why. He’s on some medication to resolve it but it’s hard on him.” 

“Oh.” Daryl says. “I uh - I saw him this morning, with Ezekiel. In the elevator.” 

“Yea he Zeke mentioned it.” Carol nods. “Henry wants an update on Lydia later.” 

“Yeah he asked about her.” Daryl nods. 

“He’s a good kid.” Carol smiles a little. “He thinks of everyone else first, even in a place like this.” 

“He’ll be alright?” Daryl asks, stepping out of the elevator after her. 

“Maybe.” Carol sighs. He’s doing okay now, but there’s really no telling. There never is.” 

“Oh.” Daryl sighs.

“Just in here.” Carol pulls open a door and Daryl steps inside. 

There’s a circle of about a dozen chairs, occupied by a variety of different people, a girl who can’t be older than 20, a man in his 70s, a man in a priest's collar, a couple holding hands, and one rather ragged looking woman, with short choppy hair. 

“Not a bad turn out.” Carol smiles, taking a seat and motioning Daryl into the one next to her. Daryl sits down, looking around at the others. “So we have a new parent joining us today. Daryl why don’t you uh introduce yourself.” 

The last thing he wanted was to be put on the spot right now, but now everyone was staring at him, he shifted uncomfortably, taking a swig of the coffee before answering. 

“I uh - well ‘m Daryl.” He mutters. “My uh - my daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia 3 days ago. We uh - we don’t know what kind yet but uh, it’s just the two of us. Her mom - well she’s adopted. Her mom’s not in the picture, never will be and uh -  it’s hard to believe that four days ago the word leukemia wasn’t even one i thought about.” 

“It’s always like that.” One of the men says, his long hair tied up in a bun and a short beard covering his chin. He holds the hand of the man next to him, his husband Daryl thinks, a man with sorter hair and a thicker bearded. “The day before our Gracie was diagnosed… well there’s a saying here. “The day before my child was diagnosed i wasn’t a cancer parent either”. I’m Paul, this is my husband Aaron.” 

“Yeah.” Daryl nods. “That’s - that’s what it feels like. Almost like -“ 

“Like having a newborn.” The man next to him, Aaron, says. “You’re handed all this responsibility and someone who relies on you for absolutely everything and - and you have no idea what you’re doing.” 

“I guess.” Daryl shrugs. “But uh- Lydia was four when I adopted her. So I guess I don’t know about that. But she’s been through some stuff before, and this just feels… unfair.” 

“It is.” The old man says. “And that’s something that hasn’t changed in 50 years. I’m Dale, my wife and I - we lost our daughter to leukemia in 1970. The survival prospects were a lot worse then but - but it’s never been fair.” 

“Never will be.” Carol says, Daryl feels her reach over and take his hand, she gives it a squeeze, a gesture he’s not accustomed to but finds comforting. 

“So you’re all - all cancer parents?” Daryl swallows, looking around. 

“With the exception of Father Gabriel, and Enid.” Carol motions to the priest and the twenty something girl. “Enid is a cancer survivor.” 

“Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma.” Enid says. “I was 10 when I was diagnosed. I’ve been cancer free for 9 years and considered cured for 4. But the long term side effects are still there.” 

“But - but you’re doin’ alright?” Daryl asks, trying not to let hope seep in. “You’re okay?” 

“As okay as I can be.” Enid shrugs. “I’m in my junior year of college, premed.” 

“So your daughter, has she started the chemo yet?” Dale asks. 

“Yeah um yesterday, she’s having a day off today but we’ll get more tomorrow.” Daryl pushes his hair out of his eyes. “We should get her biopsy results back then too, so we’ll uh - we’ll have some answers.” 

“Good.” Aaron nods. “A treatment plan helps a little - at least it did with us, made us feel like we had some control. It opens up options for clinical trials too - if that’s something you want to do.” 

“Clinical trials, like - test medicine yeah?” Daryl asks. 

“Yeah,” Aaron says. “Ezekiel and Henry are here for one. I think Leah’s son is in one and Lucille your son was yeah?” 

“Yeah.” The woman with short choppy hair nods. “He was but - well the outcome wasn’t good.” 

“Is he uh…” Daryl isn’t sure how to finish the sentence and looks to Carol for help, but her blue eyes are focused on the woman. 

“Dead?” The woman says. “Yeah. Six months tomorrow. He uh - he had brain cancer. Was terminal from diagnosis. Good kid. Only seven.” 

“I’m -”

“Don’t say you’re sorry.” she snaps. “Just hope like hell your kid doesn’t have to go through the same thing.” She crosses her thin arms and leans back in her chair. Daryl looks around the room, no one is saying anything, instead a few people glance at Carol. 

“Lucille,” Carol says gently. “Anniversaries can be hard. Is there anything you want to talk about?” 

“No.” Lucielle mutters. “Sorry I just - the last few days have been really hard. I uh - I’m trying to sell the house - I just can’t live there anymore and everyone who comes in asks.” 

“Ah.” Carol says, reaching across the row and giving Lucille’s hand a squeeze. “That’s not easy. It isn’t going to get easier either, I still have a hard time talking about Sophia.” 

“It’s never going to get easier.” Lucille nods. “But uh - I hope taking the dogs and getting out of the city will help. I’ve got a property up north, I’m using the divorce settlement for that and since he gave me the house I’m planning on using the money from that to build.” She reaches up to dab at her eyes with her sleeves. “I uh I’m sorry Daryl I- I” 

“‘S fine.” Daryl says quickly. ‘I uh - I can’t imagine what it's like losing’ a kid an’ havin’ a divorce.” 

“I hope you never have to know.” Lucille picks at her nails. “It’s not something i’d wish on anyone.” 

“You uh - you mentioned a clinical trial?” Daryl says carefully. “What uh - what was that like? The process.” 

“We pretty much had to go to a clinical trial.” Lucille wipes her eyes and takes a tissue from Carol. “His brain cancer was aggressive from the start and uh - it has a 0% survival rate over five years. At diagnosis we were told he was terminal, and we ended up going to Germany for a clinical trial. Instead of the 9 months survival we got about 18 months, but um, one thing we found was that our insurance would not cover the clinical trial because it was out of the country. We were lucky though um, we had a really good church and they fundraised for the trial.” 

Daryl’s stomach twists further. He hadn’t thought about the costs of clinical trials - or being declared terminal at diagnosis. Lydia couldn’t be that, he refused to believe that was even an option for her. He also hadn’t ever considered a clinical trial, would she need one? She couldn’t be one of those kids could she? The ones so sick that their only hope for survival was an experimental treatment? 

“Not all clinical trial is like that.” Carol says quickly. “Henry’s clinical trial is covered by insurance, and I think Matthew’s is.”

“Matthew?” He says. 

“Leah’s nephew.” Carol says. “She’s not here today, spiritual commitment. But he’s in the same trial as Henry. A little further along though. He just finished his second stem cell transplant.” 

“Oh.” Daryl says. “Is uh he one of Henry’s friends too?” 

“Um kind of.” Carol says. 

“He’s not really anyone's friend.” Paul says. “Leah keeps him… pretty isolated. They’re a little… weird to be honest.” 

“Paul,” Aaron says harshly. “Who are we to judge with how she’s handling her kid’s cancer.” 

“I wouldn’t judge if that sister of hers wasn’t being drug out of here high or drunk half the time he’s admitted. It’s disruptive and dangerous.” Paul snaps back. 

“They let that happen?” Daryl frowns. 

“Technically it’s her supervised visitation.” Paul says. “But it happens so often it’s a wonder she’s still allowed any.” 

“Parental rights aren’t that easy to terminate.” Daryl says. “Especially fer moms. Jus’ cut ‘er some slack. ‘S a hard enough situation t’ be in with a healthy kid.” 

“Grace requires nothing.” The man in the priest's collar says. 

“That isn’t always true father.” Paul says. “Sometimes grace requires a hell of a lot.” 

“Leah is doing her best.” Carol insists. “We all are, it’s all we can do, and we need to support each other. You know as well as I do that no one outside this room can possibly understand that.” 

“She’s right babe.” Aaron says, reaching for his husband’s hand. “No one else knows what this is like. Hell or highwater remember?” 

“Hell or highwater.” Paul mutters. 

“Well.” Carol says, glancing at her watch. “I think that’s about all we have time for today. Unless anyone has anything they would like addressed?” When no one spoke up Carol stood. “Thank you father for allowing us to use your chapel. Is the same time next week still okay?” 

“Of course.” the pastor nods.

“It was nice meeting you Daryl.” Aaron extends a hand as Daryl stands up. Daryl glances at  it a moment before taking it. 

“Uh  yeah…” He mutters. 

“We know how this can be.” Aaron says. “Our daughter is eight and a half. How old is your Lydia?” 

“She uh, just turned eight last month.” Daryl swallows.  

“We’ll have to get them together sometime.” Aaron smiles.  

“Yeah.” He nods. “Lydia’d like that.” 

“We should go.” Paul says, touching Aaron's arm gently.  

“Alright,” Aaron nods. “It was nice to meet you Daryl, I wish the circumstances were better.” 

Daryl is glad the man follows his husband out of the chapel then and he doesn’t have to answer. Not only was everyone in this room a cancer parents, but this wasn’t even all of them. There was at least one outstanding single parent he hadn’t met yet, and all of them had been where he was. 

“What did you think?” Carol asks, tucking her hands in her back pockets as she approaches him. 

“I uh - I don’ know.” He says. “‘F its fer me. Kinda… depressin’...” 

“Nature of the job,” she offers a weak smile. “Let me get you a coffee before you go back to Lydia?” 

“Uh -” he glanced at his phone. No missed calls, no texts. Lydia must still be asleep, and he can practically hear Lori’s voice encouraging him to go. “Yeah sure I guess. Just take out though I want to get back.” 

“Of course.” Carol says. “There’s a coffee shop right across the hall.” 

“So there’s uh - there’s still someone i haven’t met?” Daryl asks as they cross over to the small coffee shop. 

“Uh-huh.” Carol says. “Well a couple of people technically but most of the others don’t come regularly.” 

“Other single parents?” Daryl asks. 

“No.” Carol shakes her head. “Just Leah.” 

“Is she really that weird?” He asks, taking the black coffee Carol holds out to him. 

“Um.” Carol says. “She’s trying really hard for that kid, but some of the stuff… is a little odd I guess.” 

“What like - like oils and shit?” 

“Yeah mostly.” Carol nods. “But I try not to judge anyone for what they do with their kids during treatment. Even if they don’t work the placebo effect is strong. I remember when Sophia was sick she was convinced Vick’s vapo rub was the cure to her nausea so you bet that whole room smelled like Vick’s most of the time.” 

Daryl chuckles. “Sounds like my childhood.” 

“You were a vicks vapo rub fan?” Carol smiles, a sparkle coming to her eyes. 

“Oh Vick’s Vapo rub and Campbell’s Chicken Noodle are redneck healthcare.” Daryl grins. “I survived on that shit when i had the flu.” 

Carol laughs, a bright pretty sound, that makes even this place seem a little less dark. 

“What?” He teases. “Not all of us had parents who took us to the doctor.” 

“No no,” Carol says through the laughter. “It’s just - I was the same way as a kid. Vicks fixed everything.” 

“Damn straight.” Daryl grins. “Still does. Keep a jar in the cabinet just in case.” 

“Useful stuff.” Carol smiles. 

“I should uh - I should get back to Lydia.” Daryl says, glancing at the wall clock. “She’ll be up soon.” 

“Yeah.” Carol nods. “You get results tomorrow yeah?” 

“Should be tomorrow or the day after.” Daryl nods. 

“Give me a call?” She asks. “Please - I can come sit with Lydia if you need me to.” 

“I uh - i might take you up on that.” Daryl says. “We’ll have t’ get some more clothes an’ stuff at some point.” HE swallows. “You uh - you mind if I - if I call you with the results?” 

“Of course not.” Carol says. “I can answer just about any time.” 

“Thanks.” 

“Of course.” She reaches out and gives his arm a warm squeeze, the sensation lingering on him as he made his way  back up to Lydia’s room.

[adarlingwrites]

Absolution

Summary:

noun: formal release from guilt, obligation, or punishment

The Capital Wasteland lauded the Lone Wanderer as a hero, a Messiah, a savior who’s willing to give her life for the Good Fight. Beyond the legends, the propaganda, and the mythification that surrounded her legacy, there is only one person who knew her bare soul. She gave him his absolution, and now he will fight for hers.

XXIV

January 10, 2278.

Hannibal Hamlin just arrived a few moments ago, after Cross did. He sees me, smiles, and shakes my hand.

“Charon. Good to see you again, friend. How is Percy treating you? Has she found a solution to your contract yet?”

“Good,” I tell him. “We’re working on it.”

“That’s good to hear.”

The back door swings open, and DeLoria arrives with the dog. Dogmeat bounds towards me, and licks my hand after I ruffled his fur.

“Yo. I’m here. Where’s Percy at?”

“She’s retrieving a few things from the house. She’ll be here soon,” I tell him. “Are you sure you weren’t followed?”

“Yeah. I had the dog with me to keep watch.”

Just a few moments later, we heard the back door opening once again. Gob exclaims something I couldn’t hear, and Percy comes into view, dragging a missile launcher with her. It’s the one we found on the first day that I started serving her.

“Sorry I’m late. Had to double check a few things. Paladin Cross, this is for you.”

DeLoria’s jaw drops at the sight of the weapon. Cross carries it with ease, and thanks my partner.

“Holy shit, Perce. Where’d you even get that?”

“Doesn’t matter. Anyway, these arrived just in time, Charon. Moira had a hard time procuring them, so let’s put them to good use,” Percy turns to me, handing me a package.

I look inside and smirk.

“As you command.”

Nodding, Percy sets the map Doc Church drew out for us on the bar top.

“Here’s the plan.”

It was near midnight when we finished our meeting.

“Let’s go home,” Percy tells me. I follow her.

After cleaning up, we went into Percy's bedroom, my bedroom now too, I suppose. I lay awake next to her that night, thinking back to the days we spent with the Abolitionists, and their influence on me.

Right after that incident with Harkness, Percy runs into an escaped slave in the city, Mei Wong. She gives Wong some caps so she can buy a weapon. Then, that’s when we learned about the Temple of the Union, and met Hamlin.

November 11, 2277.

Staying close to Percy, we walked on, accompanying Hamlin and the others to the Lincoln Memorial.

Nearly two centuries ago, my first mission occurred here. I think I was… fourteen. Or fifteen. Fuck, my memories from before the Great War are still hazy, but I know it happened. Under the orders of our contract holder then, our unit was tasked to suppress protesters gathering at the memorial.

I remember everyone’s actions.

Vanth, our sniper, did not hesitate to open fire, making rubber bullets rain on the crowd. She didn’t even aim it to the ground; she aimed at the people. Everyone followed suit, save for me who stood there, mortified. I only got moving when my electric collar went off.

Magwayen did the best she could to avoid casualties. I followed her. The others did not. At the end of the day, Mag treated the wounds on my back. Whip marks. Punishment for being too soft.

The next day, I went harder on the people. I remember the smell of tear gas. Mag became distant since then.

I’m certain that if hell exists, I would go there, regardless whether hurting all those people is my will, or not. My hands killed them. I’m a murderer.

I’d never thought I’d come back to that place and do something right for a change.

I watched as my mistress helped the Abolitionists return the statue’s head back where it belonged. Smiling, sweat pouring from her brow, Percy approaches me, and tells me to enjoy the rest of the day while she talks to Hamlin.

They talked for hours. Occasionally, Hamlin would look at me, a certain understanding in his gaze.

I brought my mind back to the present. I figured out earlier that Percy must’ve spoken to him about my contract. Heartbeat slow, Percy sleeps next to me, and I look at her unmarred face. As gently as possible, I brush a lock of stray hair from her face. This angel… she’s doing everything she can to free me from its hold, huh?

Maybe it’s time.

I think I can manage it.

If I survive tomorrow, I want to come out as a free man.

After planting a light kiss on her shoulder, I closed my eyes.

January 11, 2278.

Today’s the day.

The sun’s setting on the horizon. DeLoria walks in front of me, obviously nervous as hell. We approach Paradise Falls’ entrance, where a guard asks us to halt and state our business.

“Yo, is this a place where I can sell people? My friend gave me this piece of shit here and I don’t want anything to do with him.”

The guard looks at us with scrutiny. DeLoria looks like an absolute dick, wearing shades and a set of ill-fitting armor. Only an idiot would buy his disguise, but I guess the guard’s one after all.

Good for us.

Behind him, Percy emerges, and snaps his neck. He lands to the ground with a thud. The others approach; Hamlin and Simone from the Abolitionists, and Cross from the Brotherhood. The paladin hefts the rocket launcher, and as Simone kicks the gates open, all hell breaks loose.

Crouching, Percy disappears again, and the only thing giving her away’s the silver-white outline of her stealth field. The Abolitionists provide Cross some cover fire as she fires the missiles at the slavers.

Now, my turn.

DeLoria follows me close by, and we approach the slave pen.

“Remember the plan,” I tell him. “Watch my back as I get these gates open.”

“R-right,” DeLoria stammers, taking a steadying breath. “Shit, shit. What have I gotten myself into, man?”

“Hey. Do it for the kids.”

The younger man nods at me, bravado coming back. “Yeah! For the kids!”

As soon as I unlocked the gate, DeLoria tossed a bag at the adult slaves. “Here, protect yourselves. Run for it!” he yells.

I moved on to the next gate, where the children stayed. They huddled together, looking at me with fear. But when the gates swung open, they reluctantly approached. Next to me, Percy emerges from thin air. The kids looked at her with awe.

“Hey. Your friends from Lamplight asked us to help you. Follow the guy with the nice hair, kids. We’ll meet you outside.”

The children followed DeLoria, while the other slaves joined the fray, exacting retribution on their captors.

“Charon, you know what to do,” Percy tells me, squeezing my arm, and disappears once again.

I take out the contents of the package Percy gave me the night before.

C4 explosives.

Time to blow this place up.

I started at the clinic. An old slaver lies dead on the floor. The vault next to the cash register is already looted. Must be Percy’s doing. She’s still thorough. I placed one explosive under the desk.

After that, I went to the slaver barracks. The place is deserted, bottles lying about.

Then I heard a click of a gun behind my head.

“Hold it right there,” a familiar voice tells me. “Wait a minute, it’s you! Hah, the zombie- ugh!”

A shot resounded through the building, and the slaver’s body thumps against the floor. I look behind me, and Percy stands there, 10mm in her hand. Her stealth armor helmet pops open and she smiles at me.

“C’mon big guy, let’s get a move on.”

She watched my back as I installed another explosive, and we ran back out to face Paradise Falls’ leader.

Eulogy Jones.

I kick the door to his pad open, and he sits atop the bed, looking far too relaxed for someone whose base is being torn to shreds.

It’s almost as if he was expecting us.

Two female slaves jump at Percy and before I can save her, Eulogy Jones shoots my calf, and I kneel, groaning in pain. I can barely keep my eyes open as one of them searched Percy for my contract, and handed it to Eulogy.

No, no! Not this shit again!

“Good girl, Clover,” the slaver croons.

Then, he turns to us.

“Ah, I knew the two of you would show up here. Welcome.”

A look of horror crossed Percy’s face as she heard shouts outside. Bloodied slavers barged through the door, and one of them was grabbing DeLoria by the collar.

“Butch! Where are the others?!”

“They got away, don’t worry about- ow! That hurts!” One of them kicked the greaser.

“Not for long,” he tells the greaser. Then, he turns to my partner.

“Word travels fast in the wasteland, you know. It didn’t take long for us to figure out what you’re up to, my dear. The two of you haven’t really been subtle about it. Paradise Falls has contacts everywhere. It didn’t take much for one of them to strong-arm Church into telling us what you’re up to.”

“Bastard!” Percy spits. “What have you done with him?!”

The two women restraining her keep her down as she tries to wriggle free.

“Let’s just say that Jotun sent him into an early retirement.”

That dangerous look, the one that frightens me, is back on Percy’s face. Her mouth is pressed into a tight line, trembling in her fury.

“And you,” he turns to me. “Who would’ve thought that you’d be back here, fifteen years later, Charon? Or should I say, Artyom Volkov.”

In the corner of my eye, Percy is looking at me with uncertainty. “Artyom Volkov?”

“That’s right, Miss Zhou. That’s your bodyguard’s name, before he was brainwashed into submission. There are a lot of things that you don’t know about him. Did you know that aside from helping us acquire new merchandise in the past, he was a war criminal, before the bombs dropped 200 years ago?”

“Liar. Charon can’t even remember most of his life before that. How could you know such a thing?”

“You never bothered to learn his history? My dear, I simply asked him all those years ago. Artyom here probably locked those memories away when I sold him to Ahzrukhal. Fifteen years is a very long time and you’re bound to misplace some memories, but I suppose someone as young as you wouldn’t know.”

Percy is breathing hard, looking at me with those wet and wide eyes, and I couldn’t look at her. The entire ordeal felt like peeling gauze off a wound that didn’t quite heal, or my skin being charred by hellfire from an atom bomb.

“Charon, tell me he’s lying.”

I can’t answer her. She’s no longer holding my contract.

“Answer her, Charon,” Eulogy orders me, and I comply, bile rising to my throat.

“He’s not.”

My new master steps closer, and grabs my partner’s jaw.

“I could put you in the pen as breeding stock, like this boy here,” Eulogy said, motioning to Butch.

“But you know, you remind me of my Clover here,” he continues. “Crazy girl, and I’m an expert on crazy girls. I just know you’d be crazy in the sack too. You just need to be housebroken.”

“Fuck you,” Percy spits.

“Soon, babe, soon. Now, Charon, take Miss 101 and her friend here to their new quarters.”

I feel it, the ghost of an electric shock shooting upward to my brain again.

But I can withstand it now.

“No.”

Percy and Butch look up to me, and before the burn can incapacitate me again, I whip out my shotgun and shot Jones in the head, twice. One to kill him, another out of spite.

My shotgun clatters to the floor, and the shocked slave girls couldn’t do anything as Percy escapes their grasp and takes back my contract from Eulogy’s dead hands. 

“You disobeyed another order,” Percy gasps, looking at me with a soft look.

A piercing shriek filled the room as the girls lunged at me, but Percy shot one of them in the head. The other one who got too close, she whips with her pistol.

“Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa, Percy wait! These girls are slaves too! We can’t just shoot ‘em,” DeLoria exclaims, rushing over to the fallen girl. DeLoria attempts to help her up, but she scratches his chest, kicking and screaming, and she turns to me, manic.

“You son of a bitch! You killed daddy! You killed Mr. Eulogy, you killed him, you killed him! I hate you, you fucking shuffler!” she shrieks, like a petulant child. A deranged, petulant child.

Percy knocks her out cold. “You’re welcome to carry her, Butch, if you care so much.”

“Percy…”

Limping, I place the last C4 explosive while Percy loots the place clean. Then, she comes and wraps her arm around my waist, supporting me, holding me like she did the first time I ever got injured in her employ.

We hear heavy footsteps, and Cross comes into view, offering us a helping hand. Behind us, DeLoria carries the unconscious slave girl in his arms. I’d never thought I’d see the day when he’ll care for anyone other than himself.

I’d never thought I’d see the day that I would be free from my contract either, but here we are.

“Percy, I think I’m ready.”

My partner looks up to me, her eyes glistening in the moonlight.

“You guys go on ahead,” she tells Cross and the others. “We just have some unfinished business to attend to.”

We sit outside Eulogy’s pad, her back against my chest, and Percy fishes my contract out of her PipBoy glove. Her glasses are fogging up as it starts snowing again. I dug in my pockets, and after palming through crushed cigarette boxes, I found a lighter.

“Charon, are you sure about this?”

I nod, trembling as I hand her the lighter.

“Do it.”

I expected my skin to be set ablaze as the fire ate the edges of my contract, or for agonizing pain to shoot up my spine and kill me in an instant, but instead, I stared as my paper soul went up in flames without eliciting a single reaction.

As the paper turned to ashes, I sat with my partner in silence.

“It’s done. Charon, your contract is gone- Charon, no!”

I never noticed my hand reaching for Percy’s pistol involuntarily, aiming it to my temple, and firing.

When I opened my eyes, Percy was on top of me, breathing hard, her small hand restraining my arm in a surprising show of strength. She wrenches the pistol from me and throws it a few feet away from us, then she looks me in the eyes, her glasses slipping off of her face and landing on my chest.

I can feel her breath on my lips.

Burying her face in my chest, a sob wracked her body. I held her as tight as I could.

“C’mon, let’s send this place to hell.”

Reunited with our companions, I hand Percy the detonator.

Paradise Falls is no more.

[purplesurveys]

893

1. when was the last time you had a headache? what about stomachache? I had a headache around two nights ago but it was easily fixed with a painkiller. My most recent stomachache was last Sunday. I distinctly remember this because my stomach acted up over dinner and needed to go to the washroom, but my parents were in the middle of a fight and the tension was super obvious that I decided to just wait it out.  2. which one of your classes goes by the slowest? In my most recent semester it was business reporting, without a doubt. Shit felt like six hours long. I dreaded my Fridays because of it.

3. what is the best movie you’ve seen in 2009? THE PROPOSAL

4. the last time you walked somewhere, who were you with? Outside? I was walking from my car to the vet clinic and was carrying Cooper on one hand.

5. how long would it take you to walk to the house of the last person you kissed? If I HAD to walk, it would take 2-3 hours. She’s on the other side of the city and in a much more elevated area, so it will take a while. 

6. where is your second home? My university.

7. what did you last have a conversation with one of your siblings about? I was telling my sister that we should let Cooper socialize with the masseuses who were coming over last night for my parents so that he can be friendly with strangers when he’s older. We never had visitors when Kimi was a pup, so he never got accustomed to strangers and we wouldn’t want to repeat it with Cooper.

8. other than a dislike button, what’s something you wish facebook had? That’s pretty much it. I do want a thumbs-down option lmao

9. the last time you cussed someone out, why were you so mad at them? I was more depressed than usual last night and asked Gab to accompany me via call which I never ask for, but all she told me was that Friday nights are her video chat nights with her best friends. Needless to say I felt even emptier and I was so disappointed I just exploded on her.

10. robert pattison vs. taylor lautner, who’s hotter ; )? Robert Pattinson. Taylor was attractive too but soz, Team Edward all the way folks.

11. which part of your day was best: morning, afternoon, or night? Was? I mean when I still went to school, my favorite bit was probably the afternoon. Hated mornings because I always dreaded the drive; and evenings made me sad because the house being empty just made me feel lonely. Kimi helps of course, but sometimes I just found myself longing for a complete family to come home to. I loved being surrounded by my friends in the afternoon and taking short walks to buy street food with them, so that’s why I enjoy that part of the day.

12. what did you smoke out of the last time you got high? I’ve never gotten high.

13. do you have the person you hate the most on facebook? I don’t have a person that I hate the most. I dislike the people I dislike equally, ha.

14. how many times did you clean out your text inbox today? I never delete messages, if that’s what you mean.

15. what’s something you would do drunk but never do sober? Dancing and singing in public. Being boisterous. Saying hi to strangers hahaha.

16. honestly, could you live without your computer? Yep. I did for a while, and IN COLLEGE. If I survived that and managed to get good grades and passed all my reqs, I think anyone could survive without a computer or laptop.

17. what is more annoying, people who take forever to reply to texts or when they only say ‘k’? I don’t mind k’s actually. It’s just how some people text. And usually the case is that they’re never that stoic in person, so I’m not too bothered. Late repliers bother me a lot more.

18. is there anyone you know who looks good in pictures but ugly in person? That’s just mean lol. I know people who are the opposite, but that’s a lot less mean because at least they’re actually attractive, they’re just not photogenic.

19. have you ever had a night that’s been hands down the best night of your life? if so, describe what happened? I’ve had lots of those because fortunately my parents stopped being strict with me once I entered college and let me stay out late, haha. The most recent one was when Hans invited me and Gabie to a thanksgiving party celebrating the first year of his and his friends’ small business. It was at a club at BGC and we just acted like dumb college kids for once, and it was a lot of fun. When Hans’s crowd left Gab and I were left and we spent 2 AM-4 AM just walking around the complex, hopping to every bar and watching people get progressively drunker. We even saw someone get arrested at one point. I loved that night and I felt really free. Then Covid happened lmao, but I’m just glad I got to have that experience mere days before the lockdown.

20. what time do your parents normally get home from work? My dad comes home every four months. My mom gets home around 8 or 9 in the evening, depending on if she did a bit of shopping before going home heh.

21. who gets better grades, you or your best friend? Angela has always been one of the smartest people I know.

22. what is a word, if any, that you always have trouble spelling? I know nothing came to mind when I last encountered this question, but now I remembered about ‘dachshund’.

23. what was the last thing you got in trouble for doing in school? I never got in trouble except for that one time in 4th grade when Katreen and I got caught snickering.

24. is family the most important thing in your life? if not, what is? Not really. I’m a bit more focus on success for now.

25. what was the last awkward moment you experienced? So there’s these two boys that have been going door-to-door in my neighborhood selling baked goods, and I wanted to show my support so I got a few orders last Wednesday. I had given a larger bill, so one of them had to go back to their car to get change. I was left with the one boy and I didn’t really know how to initiate a conversation, since I barely knew him.

[the-accidentals]

Chapter 1

Laura walked in through the door of her shoddy apartment, the lights flickering on as she slumped down on her stained sofa, she wanted to order takeaway but knew she didn't have the money, life was way to expensive and this week had been a pile of horse shit if any one had been, her car was in the garage after it broke down a couple days ago, the bill was so high she would need to not eat for a month. Before getting off shift today she had seen a family of five burn, only 2 getting out alive, a baby and the father. She tried to not let her job get to her but fighting fires was the easiest part, watching the families as they realise that not everyone made it is the worst, you can feel the guilt in the air. We are trained to move on, you can't take every death personally or it kills you from the inside but whenever i see a family torn apart so abruptly the worry stays on my heart, seeing happy families destroyed was definitely the worst part of her job but laura still loved the job and everyone struggles with it so she just tries to leave the worry at work,but today it followed her home, there was just something about today, the fire had started in the oldests room, probably faulty electrics, she was barely out of primary school, just starting to think she was a grown up, it had already killed the middle kid by the time anyone realised and the mother just breathed in to much smoke, it was come and go for a bit but in the end she didn't even make it to the hospital. A happy family reduced to two, a morning father and a 2 month old girl, how she survived I don't know. All that innocence and such young lives torn away so quickly.

Laura stood up shaking her head, it's not good to stay focused on the bad things, noodles and beer and an early night and she can sort everything else out in the morning.She has parents she can beg for money,they won't be happy but they wont let her starve,she just wishes she didn't have to call. For tonight she resigned herself to the sofa with a bottle of cheap beer and some veg noodles, strolling through the internet. Eventually the sun was long gone and the shame came creeping back, she was sitting here running from her responsibilities with beer, noodles and a blanket around her, just trying to hide away on the internet, she was a grown woman, an adult. She closed down reddit and opened her emails, this was an adult thing, she could clear her inbox. Ad,ad,ad,scam,ad,ad, important thing she should of replied too, she was trying to be grown up but that was slightly too grown up, ad, bank statement, don't want to look at that, oh nice easy one, the unit chief is trying to set up a quiz night, he needs to know when i'm free, i can do that. After a couple minutes of checking her calendar, which was embarrassingly empty she had formed an adult but chill response. There! She had been an adult, she had written an email and deleted a few more. She scanned over the rest hoping they could wait a few more days until a quiet moment at work, one caught her eye, an email from a trial company, she did a couple of studies a few years back to get some extra cash and extra cash was just what she needed, she looked into it, it was a medical study looking into a mental health drug, they needed people with diagnosed mental illness so she knew she would fit right in. Drug trials were not her thing but the pay was pretty good, two injections a week, £50 each, it lasted 12 months but you could leave whenever, just under £5,000 for the whole year, she probably wouldn't hang on that long but long enough that she could fix her beat up honda and still eat. Honestly how could she resist? The testing facility was a 15 minute walk away from the fire station as well. Fuck me if was perefect, no nagging from anyone about “being an adult” and “looking after your finances”. Laura finally went to bed that night, slightly tipsy, exhausted but slightly less stressed.

Laura had 2 days until she got paid and she had her first appointment for the trial today, it was a rolling study so there was no set start date. She had promised steve, the mechanic down the road, that he would get paid the bill as soon as she got paid so that he would carry on working with no money upfront, to be honest he totally owned lorna one, she had set him up with an ex of hers about a year back and she had never seen him happier. She walked up to a little privately owned clinic that she had never noticed before, it was smart but felt way to clinical, the lights were so bright it burnt and like all of these places the smell of cleaner was so strong you could taste it, she popped her phone into the pocket of her oversized jacket as she came to the front desk, the lady at the desk looked he up and down, I suppose she didn't really look like she belonged, it didn't look like a cheap sort of place.” hi i'm here for the trial, umm laura burmwell” laura muttered into the ground,she hated reception staff, they always seemed super judgy and this lady was no different, she tapped away at her screen for a few very awkward moments and sighed, pointing me to a section of chairs near the back. Pulling her earphones out she landed in a seat.

“Dont worry she wasn't very nice to me either” a voice chucked next to her, a small grinning woman sat there tapping on her phone, laura smiled back, she was gorgeous, long black hair down to her waist, out shining laura’s dirty blonde mess any day.

“ I’m glad she doesn't just hate me” Lorna joked, internally panicking. Why is such a cute woman actually talking to me? She suddenly felt amazingly underdressed, she was sat next to a stunning women who was clearly ready to go to work in a nice yellow dress and a jacket and she is there look like a gay hobo, hair up in yesterdays bun and a t shirt that has dinosaurs on it, at she is wearing smartish jeans. “I’m laura, are you here for the study?” she smiled.

“Preet, yeah, i'm hoping they can cure the fuckery going on in my head before the end of it” she chuckled but I could see the blush forming over her skin as she processed what she had said, Laura just snorted, tapping her leg on the linoleum floor, trying to think of something to say, her mind in overdrive.

“ nervous?” Preet questioned.

“i just haven't been in a drug trial for years, what if I grow four heads or something?” She joked, Preet actually burst out laughing, tears starting to form in her eyes, which got Laura laughing too, they just sat there trying to hide there laughter from the rest of the very serious looking members of the waiting room, finally after about 5 minutes they both calmed down enough to speak, laughter still glistening in their eyes.

“ but seriously these drugs will of been tested for years before it gets to these sorts of tests, its perfectly safe, they are just proving it and checking out side effects, im sure you wont grow any more heads.” At that moment Preets name was called over the speaker system, Secretly both of them were hoping they had been forgotten about so they could sit here and chat all day but neither of them said it.

“See you later Laura” Preet called as she picked up her stuff and started to follow the now waiting nurse.

Lorna went back to her music, trying to pull a stupid grin off her face.

1941- September 5th

I walked into surgery, on the bench was the patient, a young soldier, barley 19. He was burning up. Nurse Weber was standing there, trying to cool him down while setting up. He had a gun wound that was starting to get infected and the bullet had yet been removed. We set to work, removing infected tissue and finding bits of the shattered bullet but further we got the more futile it became, he kept losing blood and nothing we could do would keep his temperature down, he was pretty much dead in front of us. The nurse looked up, exhaustion in every wrinkle in her face, defeat in her eyes, im sure she had been on duty when he came on, over 10 hours earlier. With an air of defect I started sawing him up, giving him a dose of penicillin and covering the wound with gauze. I doubt he would make the night but we had tried. I removed my bloodied gloves and left. Hoping to be able to rest now. My eyes started over at the dying children and men who fill the halls. when will the war end, when will the suffering stop, have not enough died for the righteous cause? I started towards the boards, I was still on duty for another few days before I could head home. As i passed through the corridors i passed a officer asking about his son, every has someone fighting in this war to end all wars, he came to a halt in front of me desperately asking for his sons conduction, i had treated him when he first got brought in, he was going to make it but he no longer had a left leg, a bomb had hit near trench and had impaled his leg. As he quickly dismissed me, relief clear on his face, you could clearly see the shine on his Swastika pin. “Heil Hitler” I murmured as he marched away into the chaos

This is the first part of a longer story and my first time doing any serious writing, any advice welcome! I know it isn't perfect but I tried so I hope you enjoy it xx

[wuzzybear]

The Accidentals- A bad fucking week. part 1

A group of broke adults join a medical trial hoping for some easy cash but instead get a lot more than what they wanted. There is something bad at play and they need to work it out if they ever want to be normal, not that they were normal before.

 Laura walked in through the door of her shoddy apartment, the lights flickering on as she slumped down on her stained sofa, she wanted to order takeaway but knew she didn't have the money, life was way to expensive and this week had been a pile of horse shit if any one had been, her car was in the garage after it broke down a couple days ago, the bill was so high she would need to not eat for a month.  Before getting off shift today she had seen a family of five burn, only 2 getting out alive, a baby and the father.  She tried to not let her job get to her but fighting fires was the easiest part, watching the families as they realise that not everyone made it is the worst, you can feel the guilt in the air. We are trained to move on, you can't take every death personally or it kills you from the inside but whenever i see a family torn apart so abruptly the worry stays on my heart, seeing happy families destroyed was definitely the worst part of her job but laura still loved the job and everyone struggles with it so she just tries to leave the worry at work,but today it followed her home, there was just something about today, the fire had started in the oldest’s room, probably faulty electrics, she was barely out of primary school, just starting to think she was a grown up, it had already killed the middle kid by the time anyone realised and the mother just breathed in to much smoke, it was come and go for a bit but in the end she didn't even make it to the hospital. A happy family reduced to two, a morning father and a 2 month old girl, how she survived I don't know. All that innocence and such young lives torn away so quickly. 

 Laura stood up shaking her head, it's not good to stay focused on the bad things, noodles and beer and an early night and she can sort everything else out in the morning.She has parents she can beg for money,they won't be happy but they wont let her starve,she just wishes she didn't have to call.  For tonight she resigned herself to the sofa with a bottle of cheap beer and some veg noodles, strolling through the internet. Eventually the sun was long gone and the shame came creeping back, she was sitting here running from her responsibilities with beer, noodles and a blanket around her, just trying to hide away on the internet, she was a grown woman, an adult. She closed down Reddit and opened her emails, this was an adult thing, she could clear her inbox. Ad,ad,ad,scam,ad,ad, important thing she should of replied too, she was trying to be grown up but that was slightly too grown up, ad, bank statement, don't want to look at that, oh nice easy one, the unit chief is trying to set up a quiz night, he needs to know when i'm free, i can do that. After a couple minutes of checking her calendar, which was embarrassingly empty she had formed an adult but chill response. There! She had been an adult, she had written an email and deleted a few more. She scanned over the rest hoping they could wait a few more days until a quiet moment at work, one caught her eye, an email from a trial company, she did a couple of studies a few years back to get some extra cash and extra cash was just what she needed, she looked into it, it was a medical study looking into a mental health drug, they needed people with diagnosed mental illness so she knew she would fit right in. Drug trials were not her thing but the pay was pretty good, two injections a week, £50 each, it lasted 12 months but you could leave whenever, just under £5,000 for the whole year, she probably wouldn't hang on that long but long enough that she could fix her beat up Honda and still eat. Honestly how could she resist? The testing facility was a 15 minute walk away from the fire station as well. Fuck me if was perfect, no nagging from anyone about “being an adult” and “looking after your finances”. Laura finally went to bed that night, slightly tipsy, exhausted but slightly less stressed.

Laura had 2 days until she got paid and she had her first appointment for the trial today, it was a rolling study so there was no set start date. She had promised Steve, the mechanic down the road, that he would get paid the bill as soon as she got paid so that he would carry on working with no money upfront, to be honest he totally owned Laura one, she had set him up with an ex of hers about a year back and she had never seen him happier. She walked up to a little privately owned clinic that she had never noticed before, it was smart but felt way to clinical, the lights were so bright it burnt and like all of these places the smell of cleaner was so strong you could taste it, she popped her phone into the pocket of her oversized jacket as she came to the front desk, the lady at the desk looked he up and down, I suppose she didn't really look like she belonged, it didn't look like a cheap sort of place.” hi i'm here for the trial, umm.. Laura Burmwell” Laura muttered into the ground,she hated reception staff, they always seemed super judgy and this lady was no different, she tapped away at her screen for a few very awkward moments and sighed, pointing me to a section of chairs near the back. Pulling her earphones out she landed in a seat. 

“Don’t worry she wasn't very nice to me either” a voice chucked next to her, a small grinning woman sat there tapping on her phone, Laura smiled back, she was gorgeous, long black hair down to her waist, out shining Laura's dirty blonde mess any day.

 “I’m glad she doesn't just hate me” Lorna joked, internally panicking. Why is such a cute woman actually talking to me? She suddenly felt amazingly under dressed, she was sat next to a stunning women who was clearly ready to go to work in a nice yellow dress and a jacket and she is there look like a gay hobo, hair up in yesterdays bun and a t shirt that has dinosaurs on it, at she is wearing smartish jeans. “I’m Laura, are you here for the study?” she smiled. 

“Preet, yeah, i'm hoping they can cure the fuckery going on in my head before the end of it” she chuckled but I could see the blush forming over her skin as she processed what she had said, Laura just snorted, tapping her leg on the linoleum floor, trying to think of something to say, her mind in overdrive.

“Nervous?” Preet questioned.

 “i just haven't been in a drug trial for years, what if I grow four heads or something?” She joked, Preet actually burst out laughing, tears starting to form in her eyes, which got Laura laughing too, they just sat there trying to hide there laughter from the rest of the very serious looking members of the waiting room, finally after about 5 minutes they both calmed down enough to speak, laughter still glistening in their eyes.

“ but seriously these drugs will of been tested for years before it gets to these sorts of tests, its perfectly safe, they are just proving it and checking out side effects, I’m sure you wont grow any more heads.”  At that moment Preet’s name was called over the speaker system, Secretly both of them were hoping they had been forgotten about so they could sit here and chat all day but neither of them said it. 

“See you later Laura” Preet called as she picked up her stuff and started to follow the now waiting nurse. 

Lorna went back to her music, trying to pull a stupid grin off her face. 

1941- September 5th

I walked into surgery, on the bench was the patient, a young soldier, barley 19. He was burning up. Nurse Weber was standing there, trying to cool him down while setting up. He had a gun wound that was starting to get infected and the bullet had yet been removed. We set to work, removing infected tissue and finding bits of the shattered bullet but further we got the more futile it became, he kept losing blood and nothing we could do would keep his temperature down, he was pretty much dead in front of us. The nurse looked up, exhaustion in every wrinkle in her face, defeat in her eyes, I’m sure she had been on duty when he came on, over 10 hours earlier. With an air of defect  I started sawing him up, giving him a dose of penicillin and covering the wound with gauze. I doubt he would make the night but we had tried. I removed my bloodied gloves and left. Hoping to be able to rest now. My eyes started over at the dying children and men who fill the halls. when will the war end, when will the suffering stop, have not enough died for the righteous cause? I started towards the boards, I was still on duty for another few days before I could head home. As i passed through the corridors i passed a officer asking about his son, every has someone fighting in this war to end all wars, he came to a halt in front of me desperately asking for his sons condition, i had treated him when he first got brought in, he was going to make it but he no longer had a left leg, a bomb had hit near trench and had impaled his leg. As he quickly dismissed me, relief clear on his face, you could clearly see the shine on his Swastika pin. “Heil Hitler” I murmured as he marched away into the chaos.

This is my first attempt writing, please tell me how to improve! this is the first part of a longer story.

[trixcuomo]

4. Slay Dalaran City Clinic

((Part four of the craziest Kael’thas fangirl story I intend to write! Get ready for the ultimate Trixany-Gaga parody... 10 min read, 18+ for sexual themes.))

When I look back on my life in Outland, it’s not that I don’t want to see things with Kael’thas exactly as they happened. It’s just that I prefer to see them in a happier way. And you know, the way that the new me, the carefree Kaja-Cola Girl I had to become might experience these things is more honest because my better self invented it.

Clinical psylosophy, if you ask that Forsaken guy near Durnholde Keep, tells us that trauma is the ultimate killer. My people faced extinction. We lost our king, our way of life was nearly obliterated. And in a mad attempt to recover it all on his own, we ultimately lost our beloved Prince Kael’thas.

And then the Void Elves… To me, it still feels we might lose ourselves forever.

It’s like my life in Quel’thalas, today, is this broken mirror. And as the owner of that mirror, I’ve tried to fit the pieces back together. Make it perfect, clear again. But I can still see the crack in that mother fucker’s reflection.

It’s not that, ‘Trixany, by becoming a Kaja-Cola Girl, and a parody singer—which sounds so spectacularly weird in a way—and then getting high in Pandaria with a succubus to re-live moments with Kael’thas, when you’re supposed to be a righteous Blood Knight and follower of the Light… you’ve been so dishonest.’

No. It’s just that Blood Knight Trixany Cuomo loathes her reality.

For example, the Dalaran nurses here at the clinic? To me, they all have these super short, fashionable skirts on, with their tops open to the navel. And every one of them looks like Kael’thas Sunstrider.

And Kael’s shoes?

I’ve always wanted him to show off those legs, so he’s in white platform stilettoes.

I know what kind of world this is, I don’t care. I’m not talkin’ bout the weapon.

I tipped all the Kael’thas nurses’ hats to the side, because I need this to feel like another delicious, dirty dream. Like the one in back Pandaria…

And also because that’s more romantic, better than being admitted to the Dalaran City Clinic by a Night Elf stranger who found me hallucinating alone in the woods.

I also think people making cute meme fanart of Kael’thas will be very big in the next expansion.

Check out that Kael’thas nurse on the right, the one opening the door for my stretcher to go through. He’s got a great ass.

…Bam.

The truth is, back in the Ghostlands, when I mistook that Night Elf Dannox for Kael’thas because Dannox was standing in a sunbeam, and then he groped me? I came out of it, at least I think that I did, then I mauled Dannox like a she-bear. Bit right into his arm with my teeth, like the civilized, highly-trained fighter for the Light that I am.

Oh, there Dannox is now. He’s following the team of Kael nurses as they wheel me into the intensive care ward. Poor baby, whatever I did to his arm, he’s got it in a sling now.

And that Kel’thas nurse on the left? I asked him to order me some fel crystals mixed into a tall, icy glass of Kaja-Cola a couple of hours ago.

They only gave me the Kaja-Cola.

I wish that, back at Tempest Keep, they’d only given Kael’thas the Kaja-Cola.

Oh, here’s the head nurse. Looks like I know him pretty well already.

“Hi again, Kael’thas. You look lovely in that. The gold phoenix stethoscope was a nice touch.”

“I know. I’m a little scared, but then again I do look damned good, don’t I?” I watched him look down over the hot little outfit, “I’m such a clotheshorse too, Trix. I can’t believe slutty women’s fashion is a new thing for me.”

“Mhrm. You should let me dress you in my hallucinations more often.”

“Well, in any case,” He very deliberately and professionally removed my hand from his leg, “Good morning, Bloodthistle princess. How are you feeling?”

“Pretty horny.” Well, that was far more deadpan and threatening than I intended.

“Uh-huh. And anything other than the obvious?” Nurse-daddy Kael’thas did let me reach up and play at twining his long blonde hair in my weakling fingers. He smiled pleasantly at my devoted effort to flirt, even now. Then he went on checking the equipment, magical meters and tubing by my bed. I enjoyed watching him bend over to do all this for me, “Everything went really well, Trixany. You survived the Ghostlands with that Night Elf. Then, you survived Tempest Keep with me.”

“Isn’t that… somehow out of order?”

“Look at you. I remember back when they first assigned you to be my body guard at Tempest Keep. And you saluted me.”

I suddenly felt like screaming at him. Small miracle that I didn’t. I felt like I was out of my body already, with rage, with pain. I was losing control of even sweet this…

“And do you remember what you said to me back then? Trixany?”

“My life for my prince… Except my prince was supposed to be a great man. Back then, I thought my zealotry was warranted.”

“I did what I had to do. You were a Sunfury, you knew that.”

“Kael’thas, you lied to all of us.” Then, in a spark of anger, I don’t know how, I finally found the strength to lunge at him. But two more duplicates of Nurse Kael’thas held me, slammed me down. He then gestured, and a fourth blonde princely nurse strutted up with a syringe. All sharing his wicked, wonderful crooked grin. I kicked out, kicked over a silver tray by my cot. Dannox staggered back, cradling his arm. Twisted silver implements I’d never seen in Silvermoon, nor in all my life fell to the floor, scattered.

But Nurse Kael’thas came in and injected something clear blue into my arm. I slowed. I eased off.

I heard Kael’thas speak with Dannox, while the fifth clone of this crazed, resurrected Bloodmage had a clipboard, taking notes. A dull magical hum swelled in the room.

“Her heart rate is a little low. But that’s Miss Cuomo coming off the Bloodthistle…” Dannox nodded as if this was totally usual, for Kael’thas in heels, a slinky miniskirt, buff chest exposed and accented by a hanging gold stethoscope to be providing medical advice. “She’s just dehydrated now. A few more hours of rest here in the clinic should help.”

Dannox seemed sincerely worried. I assumed he’d dragged me way out to Dalaran out of guilt, or for fear of a bunch of angry Farstriders hunting him down. At least then, he could say he tried and he’d be in neutral territory. “Thank you, nurse. And thank Elune that Trixany didn’t—”

I spoke over them both, “I’m… I’m going to make it?”

Kael’thas smiled handsomely, and he had a dimple just there on his cheek, “Plenty of fluids. And no more Bloodthistle.”

Dannox asked Kael’thas more questions. A part of my brain waited for Dannox to reach around and grope Kael’thas too, while the Blood Elf prince was distracted. I mean, that’s what Dannox did to me, it’s what started this damn mess. But Dannox was trying to negotiate getting me out of there sooner, something about me being a big name, and discretion.

I couldn’t stand it. A part of me had dwindled away, I think. My voice raised like a little kid, who doesn’t know how loud they’re being, because they’re so panicked, because what’s in their imagination is far more important than what the big adults think. “I’m going to be a star, Kael’thas. Do you know why?”

He gave me a tender, patient look. As if he’d never slaughtered thousands and turned to the Burning Legion, or had ever ordered me to collude with him and other Sunfury soldiers to do the same.

“…Because after what they did to our people, Kael’thas. I have nothing left.”

“Aww, Punkin. That’s so nice.” Hair flip there, that put him back to being as callous as I remembered, “Do you need anything else?”

My breathing slowed against my will. Whatever they gave me was kicking in, surely. “I… I want my real life back? I want you back, Kael’thas.”

As always, in nearly everything, which was tragic—Kael’thas proved astute. “Is that why you sing?”

No. I think it was Dannox who asked, this time. Suddenly, it was just the big Night Elf standing by my cot. The nurses had departed to assist other patients in the large ward.

I confided, voice gravelly, “Either that or I’d be crying all the time.” My head lolled to the side, so that I could only see the wall, not him, not anyone else in the gray, gray clinic, “But I see tears as so last season.”

Dannox sat down in the metal chair beside my bed. He was heavy and strong. The metal screeched on the floor when his athletic body budged it. I peeked back his way. Dannox spread his feet on the floor and leaned elbows on his knees. I watched Dannox feel his hurt arm in the sling. Then he weaved his fingers together and squeezed his hands anxiously. He was wiped out. Me and my antics had done all this to him.

I have some goofy instincts, I guess. I presumed getting him to crack a smile might make up for all he endured on my behalf. “Everyone in here looks like Kael’thas in a miniskirt, Dannox.”

His abrupt laugh stirred a few people in the beds around us. “Well, that’s alright. Coming to the Dal City Clinic is always pretty fun for me too, in an um... similar way.”

I think we were both checking out the nurses before I drifted back to sleep.

-fin-

((Please. I please have a request for the Kael’thas stans and the art community on Tumblr here please. Please! Someone draw me a sexy Kael’thas in a female nurse’s outfit. I wanted one for this post but could not find please.

And when you do, please tag it with #slay trixany so we can all bask in its glory. Thx!))

[madmandex-blog]

Dexter Family Newsletter 2019

Dexter Family Newsletter 2019

As I reflect back on our year, I can’t help but think of Charles Dickens and his classic line…..It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…...and how appropriate it might be to summarize our 2019.

It was the age of wisdom…….as in Kelsi completing her first year in grad school at Rockhurst University in Kansas City. If you didn’t know Kelsi and listened to her talk about school, you might think she is barely passing.  If I had a nickel for every time Kelsi told me something like….That final exam did not go well; I did terrible….Only for me to later find out that she got something like a 107 on the test, well then I might have a lot of nickels to jingle in my pocket.  Kelsi is getting all A’s as usual and well on her way to graduating in 2020 with a Masters in Speech Pathology.  She is enjoying her classes and her clinical training, and has a great supervisor who is guiding her to be gainfully employed later in 2020, most likely in a school setting.  Nic is also excelling at Rockhurst and working on his Doctorate in Physical Therapy. What impresses me most about Nic and Kelsi is that they indeed have wisdom in their respective areas of study. In other words, they really seem to know their shit.  Meanwhile, Kaylee Jo is now in her sophomore year in high school where she obsesses about getting good grades, which she always does.  Ava Jae is in 8th grade and doing well.  Don’t tell anyone, but, I consider her my smartest kid.

It was the age of foolishness…….as in Mike spending countless hours managing and competing in a mere 7 fantasy football leagues, or in Mike completing his 42nd Old Chicago World Beer Tour.  Along the way, I earned a leather lettermen jacket which Kelly just today told me that I looked like my Dad when wearing it.  I took that as a compliment and proudly wore it about town where people looked at me in awe, as they often do, but, I digress.  Mike also became a more well-rounded drinker in 2019. You see, I was lucky to get to spend a lot of time with my eldest daughter this summer who not only got me addicted to the Crime Junkies Podcast, but also too good wine.  Credit is also due to the great Tackes family for showing me the redeeming virtues of drinking wine and now even whiskey.  So don’t be surprised to see me knocking back a Red Cab or sipping a bourbon in a cool sophisticated fashion.  If only, I had known about these things years ago…..what might have been, or perhaps not been, like 42 beer tours.  

It was the epoch of belief……..in love and marriage as Kelsi became Mrs. Nic Arnone on August 10th in what turned out be an awesome ceremony and beautiful day for the two of them.  When they were both working on details like what are we having for having for dessert a couple of days before the big day, I was frankly a little worried, but, as it turns out the two of them are master wedding planners.  Everything was great from the venue, to the decorations, to the caterer, to the photographer, and most importantly…..to the bartender, backed by yours truly stocking the bar.  Yes, we had an awesome reception and we were so blessed to have so many of you travel all the way to Kansas City to celebrate with us!  In case you weren’t able to be there, rumor has it that there is video available of Mike’s fantastic wedding toast speech.  Sure, there are critics like Kaylee and Ava who will say, it wasn’t all that, but, most of those at the reception gave me high fives for my performance…at least the ones who were drinking that is. Kelsi is most happy that as a Speech Therapist that I finally learned how to pronounce her new last name.  For those of you who don’t know, you need to emphasize the last “e” in Arnone as it is an Italian name.  After meeting Nic’s family, I finally believe he is indeed Italian, after I had long presumed he was Norwegian or Swedish given his fair skin, blue eyed, blonde hair good looks.  

It was the epoch of incredulity…….and speaking of family heritage, Mike took the Ancestry DNA test in 2019. Upon arrival of the test kit, I was in great disbelief as to how hard it actually is to fill up a one ounce test tube with saliva. Trust me, it was challenging.  As it turns out, I am 59% English, 33% Irish, 3% Swedish, 3% German, and 2% Norwegian, which makes me 110% Awesome, which I didn’t need a DNA test to know. So far, it is incredulous that I have not found any long lost rich relatives who want to connect with me, but, I will keep the hope. Speaking of incredulous, Ava will be in high school next year, while Kaylee will have her Driver’s License in as few as 17 more days!  I for one can’t believe we all survived her driver’s training, which started in local parking lots and proceeded to hairpin turns, around tight corners, at the speed of light. Only A.J. Foyt could have pulled off some of the harrowing driving miracles that I witnessed at times this summer!  But, we all survived, and with no dents in our vehicles!  I joke (sort of); Kaylee is actually a very good driver and was even told that she best driver in her Driver’s Ed class.  So you can feel safe when you see her drive by you in her 2007 BMW, which Drew gave to her as a Christmas present to her shrieking delight.  This is now the 2nd time Drew has given a car to one of his sisters.  I can only hope that he has another one to hand down to Ava in a few years.  The good news for Ava is that Drew has said that his next car will be a Tesla.

Even more incredulous is that a once self-proclaimed liberal, who once carved a pumpkin in the likeness of then candidate Barack Obama is morphing into a conservative right before our very eyes.  Yes, people are in a state of disbelief over these developments.  While he does not yet host a show on Fox News, many have looked in disbelief at Mike as he shares his theories on the likes of capital punishment.  Not to mention, the poor teachers of Dunlap who look to their email boxes in fear that they might receive another long diatribe from Mike on what is wrong with our educational system. Don’t worry, Mike still has a few liberal ideas and is still proud of President Obama.  But, might we see a Trump carved pumpkin on Mike’s doorstep in 2020?  

As a final point on incredulity, I bet you can’t believe how long this newsletter is as I can’t believe you are still reading it.  Don’t worry, more good stuff is coming.

It was the season of light……for Nic and Kelsi who enjoyed an awesome honeymoon trip to Disney and the bright beaches of Ft. Lauderdale.  Kelly and Ava also traveled to sunny Florida, with stops at Disney and the beaches of Tampa-St. Pete, while attending Ava’s Starquest World Dance Finals in Orlando.  Ava and her dance teammates at MLSD continued to shine on the dance floor, while bringing home lots of trophies along the way.  Ava and her DMS POMS teammates also brought home a trophy from the State Finals this year in the Jr. High Division. Ava is again on the DMS POMS team and also spending lots of time at the MLSD dance studio.  We can’t wait to see her compete again in 2020, which will include her first ever solo performance. And, her latest dance project involves trying to teach her Dad how to dance in Tik Tok videos with her!  These will surely go viral. Meanwhile, Ava is still Ava….always energetic, always wanting to do something, always wanting Starbucks, and always, always asking me for something or to do something.  She is my constant season of light.  In fact, I sometimes think of Ava as Carol Anne like from the Poltergeist movie.  You see she has a life force that is hard to match and keeps me smiling, cursing, smiling, yelling smiling and speaking of yelling….. Kelly might occasionally yell at Ava (as she is this very minute!) and/or Kaylee for their continued inability and/or unwillingness to do seemingly simple things like throw a wrapper in the actual garbage can, maintain a room where you can actually see the floor, etc. Kelly is still Kelly, the straw that stirs our drink, the one who tries to keep us in check, and the one we, including our dogs can all rely on.  Kelly continues to work with awesome kids, who happen to have a few special needs, at Dunlap Middle School.  I likely have said this before, but, they, like us, are lucky to have her.  

The season of light was also in full effect for Drew in 2019.  Like most people do, he took a month vacation, this time in sunny South Africa, where he did things like go on a safari, dive into the ocean in a shark cage to see a Great White, see the great water falls of Victoria Falls, hang out in the desert of Namibia, and lounge on the beaches and climb the mountains of Cape Town.  He also spent a month in Manhattan for work. Drew lives in the River North area of Chicago, where we all enjoy visiting him.   Thanksgiving in Chicago was a highlight.  In January, Drew has plans to visit Vietnam for a few weeks and make a stop at Boracay in the Philippines.  Yes, it sucks to be Drew.  He will also have extended work assignments in Boston and Washington, D.C., so stay tuned to his social media pages for amazing photographs and drone videos to document his journeys.

It was the season of darkness…….for both Mike and Kaylee, who unlike the rest of the family did not feel the sand under their toes of the warm sunshine upon their faces.  The longest trip these two took in 2019 was to Rochester, Minnesota, in the midst of winter, to attend Kaylee’s Speedo Sectional Championship Meet.  Despite the cold and snow, we both had fun.  And in the hopes of coming out of the darkness, I admit to the world (and mostly Kelly) that I received a speeding ticket on the way home, while dodging potholes and trying to stay interested while driving the monotonous roadways of the northland.  This has been a secret that only Kaylee and I have shared, with Kaylee often smiling and blurting out a whoo-whoo-police siren like sound anytime she felt it necessary to seek favor with me, while in the presence of my wife. So, Kelly, my beautiful, loving, forgiving wife, now you know and Kaylee, you have nothing to hold over my head any longer, at least for the time being.

It was the spring of hope…….for Kaylee and her commitment to the sport of swimming. She continues to love the sport, and work hard, and has renewed resolve to achieve her goals.  She has a group of great friends on the team and is driven by Jersey Mike, her new coach, who yours truly worked hard to recruit to Peoria, along with the rest of it was the PAWW team.  Kaylee made a tough decision to forgo her high school swim season in favor of making a greater training commitment.  I was proud of her resolve in making this decision and remain proud of her in all aspects of what she does, and who she is, with the great exception of her sense of what a clean room is J.  

It was the winter of despair…….as Kelly and Mike look around their house and dream of home improvements in 2020, while still wondering how we can pay for things like dance classes, swimming, and college.  Kelly and Mike did close out the year by replacing our 20 year old kitchen appliances.  Back to those kids who can’t seem to hit the broad side of a barn with a wrapper, let alone a waste basket, we purchased a fancy new waste can in a last ditch effort to solve the problem. The new stainless steel trash can is our new pride and joy and opens automatically at the wave of the hand.  While enjoying all this new technology, our dryer just went out, so back to Sherman’s we go!  Speaking of technology, Kelly and Mike finished the year with a fun night in Chicago where a true life robot delivered “forgotten toothbrushes” to our room. In addition to home improvements in the New Year, more resolutions for Mike include meditation, yoga, and drinking more wine (but only the good stuff).  I think all three of these can likely be done at the same time.

Yes, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times….Like all families, we had some challenges to deal with, but those were far outweighed by many blessings. I am very lucky to have an awesome wife, four awesome kids and new son-in-law, our two awesome dogs Tahyo and Isla, along with our awesome family and friends.  We have had a wonderful Christmas as a family and look forward to a great 2020! Thank you and Merry New Year to you all!  May God bless you in new ways in the New Year!

P.S. – I consider this a living document in that I will likely be asked to edit for omissions, inaccuracies, offenses to my beloved family members, or over the likely fact that I wrote some of the same exact words last year.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #229

“goddamn, need some help, ‘cuz my girlfriend’s in love with someone else.”

What would you consider to be the worst television channel out there? Idk. I don't watch TV. Are you currently sitting on your bed or some other place? Where? I'm lying in my bed. Have you ever had anyone drop off animals at your house? What kind? No. When was the last time you were somewhere that offered free Wi-Fi? Today/technically yesterday but w/e. My school offers it free, but the connection isn't strong. Do you know anyone who is on drugs? Are you personally on them? I mean, I know people with prescriptions of course. If you mean illicit drugs, yes. I don't take them. Name one interesting fact about yourself that people might not know about? Uhhhh I used to be a dancer. Do you ever have to write down a phone number to remember it, or not? Oh yeah, I don't even have my own phone number memorized. Who was the last person you talked to on an instant messaging service? Hm. Oh, Facebook says the friend of my sister whose wedding I shot. I did it like, two or three or so years ago and she wanted to know if I had the raw photos I took, and I'd literally JUST cleaned out my OneDrive a couple days ago, so they were deleted. Talk about bad timing. What color are your curtains? Are you satisfied with this color? Maroon. Yeah. Does your phone have texting? How many times a day do you text, estimate? Yeah, and I don't have a clue. Sara and I generally text all throughout the day. When was the last time you were stung by a bee? What kind was it? Uhhh over a year ago or something. Was the only time. It was just a bumblebee. Do you know anyone personally who had their house burn down before? Yes. Do you think the media can further manipulate our teenagers anymore? Ohhhh, I'm sure it could get even worse. Who would you consider to be your favorite American Idol on the show? I've watched so little of that show. Do you know anyone who has their septum pierced? Does it look painful? I know two, off the top of my head. And I mean, a piercing is a needle shoved into your skin. It's obviously painful to a degree. I'd imagine the septum to be more painful than a lot considering the thick cartilage. Has anyone ever complimented you on your singing? Did you believe them? Yeah, and I dunno. I don't generally like my singing voice, but I think I sing some songs okay. Do you know someone who constantly tries to embarrass you on all occasions? Omg no, I could never handle someone like that with how poorly I handle embarrassment. Has anyone ever kissed you in the rain? Did it seem romantic at the time? Yeah, and I guess, only really because it's an "accepted" thing as romantic. Something you're taught young. What is one part on your body that hurts at this moment, if anything? Nothing, at the moment. What was the last song you listened to? Did you enjoy this song? This metal medley I adore of Shadow of the Colossus pieces is on rn. What is your heritage? Do you have a bunch of mixed heritages? German, Irish, and Polish. When was the last time you listened to a genre of you music you despise? I didn't really *listen* to it, but some ass was blaring his rap music in FYS today. Have you ever tried the cinnamon challenge? NO, do NOT. That shit is noooot a joke. People have died. Do you ever countdown to anything? Not really, at least not seriously. Who was the last person to visit your house besides family? A friend of mine and Mom's, Randy. My rat Mitsu apparently fell or something, and her teeth were knocked crooked, and they became grossly overgrown and had to be clipped. He works at a wildlife rehab clinic and is overall just real experienced with animals. It was so awful though, seeing her like that. He's coming over about once a month now to keep them clipped; he's quite sure she has... damn, what was it? Metabolic bone disease (very common in rats), I think, that will push her teeth to keep growing. I can't remember exactly what he said, but. Are you allowed to watch rated R movies? I'm... nearing 24, lmao. How many bedrooms are in your house? Two. Do you see more of your mom or dad’s side of the family more? Mom's. I see both very rarely since they live states away, but yeah, Mom's. I haven't seen anyone in Dad's fam since I was a little kid. Are there any tattoos that you really want to get? lol got a few hours to talk? Do you really believe that everyone has a soul mate? Definitely not. You are compatible with sooooo many people. Do alligators scare you? I mean I wouldn't walk in front of one or anything, but as animals themselves, no. I think they're cool as fuck. Dinosaurs, man. Do you have abs? *ugly wheezing laughter* Have you ever been in detention? Twice I think, but only for too many tardies arriving at school. Do you believe in vampires? Uh no. Can you play the guitar? Not anymore. Have you ever kissed someone while they were dating someone else? Wow, no. Do you like hot dogs? Sadly. Are glasses a turn on or turn off for you? I don't care. Do you have a hot tub? Darling we poor. Would you ever try one of those dating websites? I like to pretend that one time NEVER fucking happened. I very much doubt I would again. Do you like to be tickled? Ew no don't. When’s the last time you flew a kite? Not since I was little. Do you ever take a bath and eat food at the same time? ... Does anyone do that?? Do you hate long surveys? No, I prefer them. I just do them over time. Gives me something to do... and I also don't spam where I share them. Do you like the taste of blood? UM no. Has anyone ever given you flowers? Yeah. When was the last time you swam in a lake? Wowie, I couldn't possibly guess. Who was the first friend you made in Junior High? That's a good question. Maybe Hannia? If you could learn any language, what would it be? GERMAN. I wanna be fluent. When was the last time someone asked you your age? Uhhh idk. Have you ever been on a train? No. Has anyone ever tried to physically fight you? No, but one girl literally told me she almost punched me. I used to hate her more than anyone in the world because she's Jason's ex and really hurt him, and yet now we're friends, lmao. Oh, how things can change. When was the last time you were angry? Last night because my headache wouldn't fuck off. What’s your worst subject in school? Math. I'm failing like, badly. What’s your favorite genre of music? Metal. Have you ever been called too skinny? OH MOST DEFINITELY NOT. Do you prefer analog or digital clocks? Analog clocks are way more aesthetically pleasing, but digital are more convenient. Do you have any stickers decorating your computer? Bruh I have tape, get on my fckng level. Tell me about the last nightmare you remember having. It was about seeing my grandma, who's really beginning to suffer from her chemo. What snacks do you usually get at the cinemas? Popcorn and a drink, then rarely a candy. Usually Sour Patch Kids. What scent is the deodorant you use? That's. A good question. I haven't payed attention. What did you last receive in the mail? The book Sara sent me. What is your favorite kind of fruit? Strawberries. How far away do you live from your place of birth? Like... 10-ish minutes? Have you ever been in a police car? Only when being transferred from the ER to psyche hospitals. How do you mark through your word search puzzles? I draw a line through them. Or circle them. Depends on the font and size, really. Have you ever sewn something? Idk how to sew. Name a CD you have or one you would like to have. Ha ha, the very first CD I personally bought was the "You're Awful, I Love You" album by Ludo. When I knew like, only three songs, ahaha. Have you ever watched an episode of Barney? I loved him as a kid, so, y'know. Can you name more than five U.S. presidents? Yeah, but I definitely don't know a lot. Are any of your neighbors’ yards in desperate need of a grass cutting? No. Do you still have your tonsils? Yessir. What does your mother’s wallet look like? What about your dad’s? Idk. I don't pay attention to Mom's and I very rarely see Dad. Who was the last person you cried in front of? My mom and one of my school advisors. And people who walked into the library. Do you think your last ex will eventually want to be with you again? He may still want to be, idk. It doesn't matter though. Does your ex hate you? The only ex I have that I think might is Jason. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you can talk to? Girt. Does anyone call you babe? Sara sometimes. Is your school’s mascot an animal? Yes. All my schools' were, lol. What would happen if you were stuck in an elevator with the person you’ve fallen the hardest for? I don't want to imagine it. Do you think that hair extensions and colored contacts make a person fake? Oh my god. Where do your hands go during kissing? I mean that. Depends. Generally just around a person's sides. Conservative or liberal? I'm such a mix. Do you have unlimited texting? Ye. Were you ever in the spelling bee? Never been a part of one. Do you dress suggestively? No. A very explicit song you’ve listened to recently? Ahaha, "Love Rhymes With Fuck You" by Jeffree Star is on right now and it is. Intense. When did you last see someone you know in public? Errrrr good question. Do you think you’d survive if zombies took over the world? Hell no. If you were to write a novel, what would it be about? The meerkat RP I've done since I was 10. My friends and I have made novels upon novels worth of stories. Are you currently pretending to be someone’s friend? No. Are you an impatient person? YEP!!!!!!!!! Are you afraid to watch movies that have sex scenes with your friends? Friends, no. It's awkward with family, though. Who sings the last song you listened to? Jeffree Star. Have you ever had a serious issue involving your eyes? No, other than being a blind mfkr. Have you ever watched South Park? Who’s your favorite character? Yes. Don't have one as I don't really care for it. Do you have sensitive teeth? Yes. Does it bother you to get shots in the mouth? Does it hurt? Nah. And I mean at the dentist they numb you, so not really. When did you last talk seriously with one of your parents? I have no clue. Does anyone ever say they miss you often? Sara. I mean we talk all the time, but she means like, physically being there. Would you rather become a wizard or a vampire, if you had the choice? Idk. I like vampires more, but a wizard sounds funner. Have you already moved out of your parents’ house? I've talked about the apartment situation enough. Are your parents divorced, married or separated? Divorced. Have you ever thought you might just have obsessive compulsive disorder? I'm diagnosed with it. Do you think it’s rude to text someone else while on a date? YEAH. What is the funniest movie you’ve ever seen? White Chicks never fails to get me. Has one of your websites ever quit operating or shut down? Were you sad? Recently the site I used to upload large .gifs I needed to use online shut down & I'm still mega tilted. There's probably others. Who is the person you talk to the most in your house? I only live with my mom. Is there a television show out there that you never miss? No. What movie have you seen too many times to be healthy? Ha ha, The Lion King I & 2 and Finding Nemo. What is your biggest responsibility in your household? Take care of my pets. How cold did it get where you live, last winter? Idr. Very, for NC anyway. Do you ever wonder what your exes are doing? I only ever wonder about Jason. Have you ever been caught in a huge lie with your parents? Never told a biggie lie to 'em. Ever ride in a limo? When did you last do so? No. Are you sober at the time being? Yeah. Have you ever lied to someone & said they could sing when they couldn’t? Possibly? Are you more tolerant of hot or cold weather? Describe a time when you were extremely cold? Describe a time when you were extremely over-heated? I handle the cold far, FAR better. I physically cannot last very long in like, even 80 degrees. The coldest I've probably ever been was when Sara and I were walking once up at her house and it was really windy. I think the absolute most over-heated I've been was when I was taking bridal shots of my sister's friend outside in the summer for a long long time. I was nearly to the point of tears and was absolutely soaked in sweat. When we got back in the car, I literally finished at least three water bottles in a very short period of time. I think I even downed half of another. What was something weird that you did as a child? Did anyone make fun of you for it? Were there any other children you knew who did the same thing? I actually created this trend in elementary school of digging tunnels in the sandbox with my hands because I wanted to feel like a meerkat, lol. No one made fun of me, I think? And as stated it kinda became a thing, so yeah, there were others. What has been the hardest thing about growing up? What was the easiest thing about it? Was there ever a time when you wanted to stay young forever? Was there ever a time when you wished that you could be older? Accepting my mental illnesses was by far the hardest. Easiest, uh... idk. Enjoying more freedom? There was definitely a time I wanted to be a kid forever; I remember I criiiied when I got my period for the first time because I didn't feel like one anymore. Simultaneously, there were certainly times I wanted to be older. Who was the last person you yelled at? Do you often yell at this person? Are you on good terms with them again, or are you still upset with them? I practically roared at Mom for pulling the rudest shit on me like a month or so back. I definitely don't yell at her a lot. We're on good terms now, yeah. If you work, do you get along with your coworkers? Which one of them have you known the longest? Is your current place of work somewhere that you plan to stay for a long time? Sadly no, so these questions are N/A. Name three items that have much sentimental value to you. Who gave you these items, and for what occasion? Do you ever have a harder time throwing away things that people have given you? My pebble from Holly Hill, my childhood plush moose Brownie that I got in Ohio, and the stuffed meerkat Jason gave me. It's not really because of it being from him, but rather because it comforted me deeply after the break-up. The little guy is so worn from all the love I gave it. I do have a hard time getting rid of things people give me. Who do you speak with more often: your online friends, or those that you see face-to-face? Of which type of friend do you have more? Which of those friendships do you value the most? Online to all three questions. Are you often misunderstood, or do you think that people can get where you are coming from pretty well? Do you think that you have a good ability to understand others? If yes, explain? Eh, idk, really. I feel like I don't communicate how I feel well enough, but I think people understand me decently. Most, anyway. I know I'm pretty good and relating to people. When was the last time that you had a headache? What did you do, if anything, to help it feel better? Which is worse for you: headaches or stomach aches? As previously mentioned, last night. I took medicine, but it was sleep that actually helped. AND I CANNOT DEAL WITH STOMACH ACHES. Gimme a headache over that shit any day. Have you ever had a crush on someone you met online? If yes, what happened between you and that person? Do you think that online relationships are legitimate relationships? Yes, and we're dating now lol. And of course I do!! Out of all of your past friendships and romantic relationships, which one was the worst? If that person were to show up at your place, would you be willing to talk to them? Friendship: Colleen. No, I wouldn't talk to her. Romantic: Tyler, but I mean sure, I'd talk to him. Well, Jason was the traumatic one, but the *relationship*, on my end, was a fairytale. It was the breakup that was... yeah, y'all know. Yeah, I'd be willing to talk to him, but quite honestly I'd probably end up collapsing into a sobbing heap because yeah PTSD. If any, how many friends have you made in the past year? How many have you lost? Is making friends something at which you are good, or does it take you awhile to form friendships? I've made a couple friends online, and I lost none, I think anyway. I can be someone's friend very easily, but it's the trust that really takes a while. If you are 18 or older, did reaching your 18th birthday make you feel like you were an adult? If not, what moment (or moments) made you feel like you were finally maturing? I don't remember, honestly. As a kid, did your parents force you to eat everything on your plate? If you had them, how did you feel about family meal times? If you were to have children, would you have structured meals with them? Well, Mom tried, but my picky ass usually won, lol. Some days I miss family dinners, other days I'm glad to do my own thing. If I were to have kids, I'd probably want to have family dinners, really. What was the last new thing that you tried? What is something you did a long time ago that you might like to do again? I don't know. I don't try new things often. From my past... I dunno. It's too late to think of all this stuff. What is your least favorite part about going to the doctor? What about going to the dentist? Which of those people would you rather see? THE GODDAMN WAIT. My dentist is usually pretty quick, so that's not typically a problem there. Instead, I fucking hate when I have to get x-rays done because I have a very small mouth, and the things they stick in your cheeks to bite down on are always way too big for me. I have to use a size down from adults. Do you ever take care of anyone younger than you (ie. babysitting, watching a younger sibling, etc)? Do you like doing this, or does it get to be a hassle? No, and hell no.

[geekthefreakout]

Around 13% of Americans do not have health coverage. Even more have insufficient health coverage

I’ve always been an advocate of universal coverage, but this past week I got a personal glimpse at how much that sucks. So here’s my story to add to the plethora of other ones out there. Maybe it will change a mind or two, maybe not. Either way... here goes.

I am currently without health insurance. Unlike most people this is in large part due to me being a dumb, but is also just bad luck. I turned 26 on New Year’s Eve, so I aged out of my father’s health care. Because I hadn’t been thinking ahead (end of year birthdays mean you don’t think “2018 I need my own health insurance), I lost coverage and didn’t have anything on immediate back up. Luckily, I got a promotion at work that made me eligible for health benefits, so I was able to enroll in that insurance a couple of weeks ago. However, for reasons of Red Tape, it hasn’t kicked in yet. I have 10 days to go. Not bad, right?

Wrong.

See, in this month I’ve been without I needed to go to the doctor. Twice. Once was a routine check up that I’d have skipped, except that I needed my medications to be refilled and needed to see my doctor to do so. Uninsured, my appointment ran $80, but I was able to pay $40 day of and the next $40 on pay day. Then came the medication. Most of you know I suffer from depression and anxiety, and I also have asthma. I needed to pick up a new emergency inhaler, my anti-depressant, and some prednisone to treat my asthma which was acting up. The total was around $250. I chose to leave the prednisone behind, because I still had some left over from a previous time (always save some prednisone for a rainy day, fellow asthmatics: you never know when you’ll need it). I paid around $220 (Prednisone was the cheapest medication, but also the one I needed least).

Fast forward to today. I’m sick, been sick for a few days. The season being what it is, and my symptoms being what they are (largely respiratory, but accompanied by fatigue, fever, and stiffness), there was some concern that I have the flu. As I work in elder care, this is kind of a biggie. Now, I’m nowhere near miserable enough to have the flu, in my experience, but there’s always the chance, and my stepfather and mother thought it likely. I didn’t go to work the past couple of days, and still having a fever I called out for tomorrow as well. All combined, this meant that in order to return to work, not only do I have to be fever free for 24 hours, but I need a doctors note. This brings me to my second doctor’s visit, which was just an hour or so ago. 

I wasn’t going to go to the Doctor if I didn’t need that damn note. Even if it was the flu, I was going to ride it out. I didn’t want to spend the money, and I’ve been symptomatic long enough that Tamiflu wasn’t gonna do me much good. But policy is policy, so I call my doctor’s office. No openings in the next two days, maybe go to urgent care. Okay, fine. So I head to my local walk in clinic. It was crowded, as one might expect for peak flu season. Uninsured, it cost me $130 to get in the door at all. A flu test would cost another $35.

But anyway, I went in, listed off my symptoms, got my vitals taken. The doctor tells me what I already know- If it’s flu, I’m past the point of tamiflu treatment and past the infectious stage by the time I go to work. Anyway, it doesn’t seem like the flu. It looks like that Upper Respiratory Infection that I get just about every year. Nothing for it but rest and over the counter stuff, just like I’d been doing. The doctor notes that I’m paying out of pocket, and says he doesn’t feel the need to do the flu test if I’m okay with that. Yes, I’m okay with it. He says he’s sending some antibiotics to my pharmacy- just in case. I doubt I’m going to pick them up, unless my fever climbs over 100 tomorrow. I doubt it will. So that’s my $130 doctor’s note. 

So over the course of 3 weeks, I spent $430 on meds and doctors appointments that I needed. I am fortunate enough to live with a parent, to have PTO saved at work, and to be on income-based plans for my student loans. So, this was annoying for me. It means my brother is waiting for my tax return to come in before I get him his birthday present (it’s his birthday today). It means that I will ask my date to keep Valentine’s Day casual. For me, in 10 days I should have insurance again, and I won’t have to deal with this kind of expense again any time soon. I’m lucky.

But what about other people? What about millions of others who are not so fortunate? Who have to pay rent, who can’t afford to pick and choose what meds they’ll take? Who have bigger bills, and jobs that aren’t as kind to their employees? Who have kids to support? $430 would be borderline catastrophic in such a small amount of time. That’s half of someone’s rent. That’s the groceries for the month. That’s more than my monthly student loan bill. People can’t survive like that. This is why the flu kills people. 

Push for universal healthcare. 

[fairwindsandfollowingseas]

Alpha-Alpha That is the code we use on the Cruise ship for medical Emergency.  Bravo-Bravo is for shipboard fire or we ran aground but Alpha-Alpha is for the medical team. We have had 3 so far in 3 weeks. A seizure, a broken ankle and shoulder dislocation.  Pretty benign stuff.  Getting ready this mornings shift I hear, "Alpha-Alpha". Room 11512. I sprint 10 flights of stairs and cross the boat and run to the rear starboard side, 1000 feet away on the 11th deck. Gasping for air through my mask I arrive at 11512.  I am assaulted by the scene the Nurse on duty performing CPR on a 45 year female on the carpet. Her husband thought she was just sleeping hard and not moving  and decided to let her rest for some more time before realizing she was not breathing. We have no other history. No pain. No cough. No vomiting. No strange movements or moaning. She is warm to touch and pale as a ghost at the same time. There was no vomit around her mouth. We coded her for 30 minutes.We tried everything including Intubation, Epinephrine. Sadly, her initial heart rhythm was asystole. Simply, this means no electrical heart activity. No electrical heart activity means the heart is not pumping blood to the brain.  There would be no dramatic made for TV defibrillation. Probably a sudden cardiac death from ventricular fibrillation which would immediately rob your brain of blood and oxygen perfusion and she would not be able to call out when that heart made its last pump. Just like Len Bias, Pistol Pete Marovich and so many others. 1/3 of all heart attacks present this way with sudden, chaotic electrical activity and no forward propulsion from the heart. She likely died minutes to an hour before. Usually the Medics are called and they usually don't make it to the ER.  Usually we pronounce them in the field. It was hard to get a story from the husband that found her. He was beyond hysterical. I tried to "hang crepe" as we say to let him know that this was not going well. The room is 70 square feet and it is weird being in a closet and running a code. The nurse pulled her from the bed to the floor next to the couch. Two other doctors, 3 nurses - we all worked for 30 minutes to save her life but I knew it was futile. Her initial heart rhythm is Asystole and that is never survivable. The ominous "No shock advised"  loud voice from the AED was haunting us every 2 minutes.  Cardiac rhythm is lacking and the AED knew it and I knew and so did everyone else except the husband. Asystole is asystole and that simply means the heart is dead, there is no electrical activity and there is no chance of bringing her back. Sometimes we can restart the heart which nearly always results in brain death. But we were unable to chemically restart hers and after 30 minutes we ceased efforts. We pronounced her dead. 1, 2 maybe even 10 more glances at the cardiac leads that search for electrical activity, still attached to her chest. The rhythm was flat as a pancake. No electrical movements, no mountains, no valleys, no wiggles of any kind to signify that she is fighting Gods call to heaven.  The heart is dead and had been dead for probably 30 minutes prior to arrival.   This scenario is not uncommon: they are all strange and defy explanation.    After 25 years, we usually never figure out what happened. It could have been a heart attack.  It could have been a blood clot.   Some people just have bad pathways and channels and they do the wrong thing.  if we are lucky, we shock them (like my father or Dan's nephew) and they get an AICD.   If we are not lucky and we do not catch it, we are left to wonder and scratch our heads. It terrifies me to tell family members that there is nothing more to be done. But it does not get better to wait and it is part of my job. All one can do is be straight forward and honest. I put my hand on his back while they continued CPR and searched for a rhythm. I rubbed his shoulders while he buried his head into his pillow on

the opposite side of the bed. I reached above and secured the nearly invisible lock on the slider to the balcony. One death is enough and I was afraid he would jump 120 feet to the Sea. Going on a Caribbean Cruise is a big deal for so many people. When we leave Port Canaveral, many friends and family are shore side with pom poms, chairs, and large signs wishing their friends and family a good and safe trip and a memorable trip. She too was so excited for this trip: her nails were done, her hair was perfect. I peered into the closet looking for more clues about my patients. The beautiful outfits and clothes were neatly arranged and pressed on hangars. 6 More little soldiers waiting for their orders. Today is night number 2, the formal night. People literally dress to the nines even in Covid times to socialize and parade and just enjoy the time with family. Her dress was out and ready with matching, sequined high heel shoes. I saw other trinkets that I too bring on vacations: medicines, toothbrush, reading glasses, books.  All neatly lined up, they just got on last night. The I-

phone chargers were plugged in with the same pink lightening cord that I purchased from Amazon. Traveling large family groups are common on cruises: friends, parents, kids, frequently grand parents and other large extended family. Sadly, on day number 2 of this once in a lifetime vacation, this young lady died.  More than 15 extended family are onboard in this family group.  Prices are cheap after the pandemic and it appears to be a large family reunion. I pray there is a God and I pray that he thought this one out.  But I am afraid he was asleep today.   When I walked out the room the Security team informed me of one more soul crushing detail.  Right next door were her two kids: ages 12 and 17.   I can only imagine they listened to the loud and chaotic and terrifying ordeal.   I offered to talk to the kids but we have a crisis team and this was left to someone else. They are from Georgia and I want to reach out and help every single family member.  I want to debrief the nursing staff and give them some time to process this event.  But life is cruel and shortly after returning to the clinic, one of our nurses tested positive for Covid and now we are down a nurse and have a new patient that needs our attention one of our own.  The amount of administrative work is enormous from corporate to the nation of Bermuda, Mexico, and USA.  Both other doctors will be busy and I will see all the other patients that come. One last note as my thoughts return to these children and whom are similar to the ages to my kids. I can not imagine cruising with your mother in the morgue onboard a cruise ship. But that is the protocol and there is no escaping. We are in Mexico tomorrow and we will not be flying everyone back. They will travel across the ocean on this sad and grieving and regretful cruise for the next 6 days. Instead of joy, it will be a never ending hell and regret and questions all the while, knowledge that your loved one is below you on this dirge... I am sure the family has so much to do and arrange and we have a crisis team to help.  But as SW Texas is "no country for old men", a cruise ship is no place for funeral arrangements and estates and kids who just lost their mother....

[justlovecambodia]

Two Weeks in Cambodia

Thank you everyone who supported me financially to have the opportunity to serve alongside so many in Cambodia. These past two weeks have been amazing and I want to inform you all of a few stories.

My favorite experience was seeing Dara. He is so much older now and tall and strong. His favorite sport is Rugby and it just so happen that I showed up the morning of his all day Rugby tournament. We spent the whole day catching up, watching videos from the past and talking about all he has learned in school. He introduced me to his new friends and told me that he is doing great in school.

The next day I went to the orphanage to discuss what the future may hold for him and where Logen and I could play a part in. I look forward to sharing this story in full in person when you who want to know ask me about it.

I was so encouraged to have spent some time with Bong Long Thoeun and his family. Bong Darith and Den met me there in Pursat. We went for a discipleship visit at a recent church plant that was far away from everything you could ever take for granted.

We spent one night in the jungle by a waterfall. When the three of us arrived, we gathered enough wood together to keep the fire lit through the night.

Then Darith lay in his hammock, listening closely to the enteral falls clashing against the water below. After a while he unconsciously fell into a dream deep enough to see himself in the distant future.  He was standing alone and just as the light grew bright enough to see the expression on his face, it faded. And as he woke he heard him say, "Remember today."

Den made several fishing rigs out of anything he could find. He grabbed his bamboo spear and went on his way, down the river, determined to catch to eat and not release.  

As for me I climbed to the top of the falls and sat silently listening to the thoughts I had never had time to think before.  

It was a day unlike any other day.

That night a tiger came close to camp. Den woke us up and quickly signaled us to follow him into the water. I didn’t know what was going on but in my mind I knew we weren’t going to swim for fun. It was late and yet the moon was bright, “If the Tiger comes into the water, we surround it and drown it. This is the only way we will have a chance to survive.”

The next morning we were on our way by motor bikes back to the pastor’s house. On the way, I intentionally hit a jump. I embraced the brake hard enough to lock the tire and Darith and I crashed.  What a quick reminder it was that my pride is so quick humble me if not kept in check.

We went to Battambang that afternoon. That week I was able to partner with YWAM Battambang and work with students at a local school. The rest of the team led a health clinic for the community and kids. While there, I was able to assist in teaching English, play silly games and sing many spiritual songs.

In Battambang, I spent most of my evenings with Bong Bun Loeuth and his family. I even slept in a hammock on their roof for few nights. I have known this family since 2014 and they are such an encouragement to me. Many of you have read Bongs story and know about the incredible protection our God provided for his survival of the Khmer Rouge genocide.

His son Tomo has been an entrepreneur since he was young. He has many dreams and visions that he wishes to fulfill. However, God has truly been working on his heart to give him a new mind and perspective of success. He partnered with me one of the days while teaching English and loved it. 

That night he came with me to the YWAM “Community Night” (a Wednesday night service). Hundreds were there, and before the service he asked me, “Why is everyone so happy?” I told him because God has brought meaning and purpose to their lives.

Then as the music began to play he looked around and asked me, “Why do so many have their hands raised up?” I told him, like a child that puts their hands up in need of a parent so too do these people recognize God as a parent, and their need of Him in their lives.

Then after the sermon he mentioned his need of a savior. I introduced him to many of my former classmate’s from DTS in 2014 and he asked for an application to join YWAM. Please continue to pray that he will complete a Discipleship Training School for himself, starting in July to have many more questions answered and a satisfied soul that’s alive in Christ.

I went to Siem Reap the next day and met up with Yim Yim. She was one of Jake and I closest friends in DTS. 

Yim serves so much as a preschool teacher in the mornings and kindergarten teacher in the afternoons. She trains many new teachers how to teach effectively for a local NGO. She also is parenting her niece of four years old. I absolutely fell in love with this sweet girl. Her biological parents live in the big city and work many hours a day, leaving no time to spend with her. Yim is so incredible to adopt this baby for at least a few years. Yim does not even make enough money to support her own cost of living, much less this baby and yet in her faithfulness God continues to provide for her needs.

After a few days we traveled together to Phnom Penh. We met up with Seypong, a great friend who recently turned 10. It was great to see him and meet his father. So in that last day, the four of us went on a cruise to celebrate the river festival. All day, we sat and talked about the wonders of our great God. The past and how faithful God has been to each of us. We prayed about our futures and asked God that if it’s His will they should realign again that they would in His perfect timing.

When the fireworks began, Baby was so scared. She has never seen fireworks before and I was holding her when they first exploded. She screamed and cried, kicked and clawed. When Yim took her from me to comfort her, I looked down I realized that in her struggle she had knocked out six of my stitches from the motorbike accident.  

The next morning, I was able to grab a coffee with one the best Barista’s in South East Asia and my friend NubKaka. I am so proud of him pursuing his dreams. He was such an encouragement to me in that last day. Then Bong Dina picked me up and took me straight to the airport as I went on my way to a connect flight to Singapore.

Thank you again for everyone who gave money to support this trip. I look forward to sharing more with you all in person and I am so thankful that you believe in the need to just love Cambodia.  

Please watch this video to taste more

[ladywithoutababy]

IVF Transfer #1: 6 weeks, 4 days pregnant

Ok, LOTS going on over here and it’s been a little while so I’ll try to capture everything that’s been happening.

The last couple weeks have been... eventful. Last Monday I woke up with a UTI (apparently very common in pregnancy, and even more common if you’re taking progesterone because it makes you more sensitive) and had a harrowing time getting a prescription for antibiotics because of the pregnancy. I ended up having to go into an urgent care, where I peed about 10,000 times while I waited for an excruciating two hours, and then they ended up prescribing antibiotics before the urine analysis was done anyway, and then they never even called me to tell me what the results were, so whatever. I took the antibiotics for a week and everything is fine now, although I spent the whole week paranoid that the antibiotics would ruin everything (even though, fun fact, there IS a pregnancy-safe antibiotic for just this purpose! Macrobid, aka Nitrofurantoin).

I’ll spare you the details on this next part, but I feel like I have to at least mention it because this whole blog exists to help other women going through it know what to expect: the suppositories are really becoming the bane of my existence. They’re not that bad to put in, but the um... how do I say this without you never wanting to look at my blog again... let’s just say they weren’t kidding when they said there might be some unpleasant discharge. There was one moment in particular where it was so... um... graphic, and unexpected, and gross, that I became briefly convinced I’d had a miscarriage. I summed it up to my husband (who did NOT want to hear about it, but that’s marriage for you) as body horror. (By the way, side note, I keep thinking about how unfair and ridiculous it is that miscarriages are never portrayed in TV shows and movies, given how common they are. I loved that Fleabag showed someone having one, and acknowledged her experience and her pain. We need more of this representation. It’s not healthy for women to have the impression that the moment you miss your period you are definitely going to have a baby in 9 months. Anyway.)

And THEN, this past Monday, of course, I woke up with a bunch of Coronavirus symptoms. Shortness of breath, dry cough, fever, body aches, chills, headache. I called my doctor, who was very clear that unless I could get a negative covid test result, I could not come into the office for my planned ultrasound (which was scheduled for today, Wednesday). Luckily, NYU is doing extremely efficient covid testing, and I was able to schedule a test for Tues morning with same day (!) results. The covid test (it’s the PCR swab thing) is as uncomfortable as they say it is – they stick it in basically to your brain and it burns and feels extremely unnatural – but it’s at least quick. They told me I’d have results by 3-4 in the afternoon, which of course didn’t happen, and by 5 or 6 my husband was raging. I think we were both losing our mind at the possibility of not being able to go into the doctor and get some information after 2 weeks of nothing. LUCKILY, we heard from them around 7, and there was no covid detected, so I was cleared to go in.

Ok here’s the good part.

This morning we went in for our first-ever ultrasound (well, I went in, and I facetimed my husband in from the car). I had absolutely 100% worked myself up to being convinced that it was going to be bad news. Here’s the thing: when you go 2 weeks without any new information, and when you don’t have any obvious symptoms, and when you have a history of fertility problems, it starts to feel literally impossible that you could be pregnant. My mind starts going to all these conspiracy theories: They confused my blood results with someone else’s. It’s a scam so people will keep going to this clinic. There’s no way a baby could survive the 100.3° fever I had. I’m not eating enough vegetables. If you’re not feeling nauseous it’s probably a sign that you already had a miscarriage. Etc etc etc. It starts to feel more plausible that you are cursed and that the universe is doing everything it can to prevent you from having a baby. It’s horrible. I started crying in the car this morning on the way to the doctor’s office because I was pretty sure it was going to be bad, but also because even if it’s good news, THAT SHIT WON’T LAST. 24 hours later I’ll be back to doubting everything, and I’ll have to wait another who-knows-how-many-weeks to get reassured again. It’s just too much to worry about all the time.

But I managed to stop crying, and I made it to my ultrasound. Aaaaaand somehow, miraculously, um, everything is good! The doctor said it all looks “perfect.” AND WE GOT TO HEAR A HEARTBEAT! She also confirmed that we’re 6 weeks, 4 days along, and that our due date (!) is March 11. (Yes, my husband is already in trouble for all the 311 references he’s making.) Here’s what this thing looks like:

Even though all we saw was this weird little blob, hearing a heartbeat definitely made the whole thing feel more real. I’m going to try really hard going forward to just try to embrace the situation and assume everything is fine unless I hear otherwise. One thing that’ll help with this: we’re graduating from the fertility clinic to a regular OB! It also helped that my doctor said that at this point (now that we’ve done genetic testing AND we can hear a heartbeat), there’s a very small (less than 10% chance) of miscarriage. So I think we can proceed with cautious optimism.

We also get to start tapering off all the medications soon, THANK GOD. We only have to do injections for another week, I start reducing the pills and suppositories a week after that, and then finish everything a week after that. So I think by mid-August we’ll be all done, which feels real good. I can’t even remember how long we’ve been doing this for, and don’t really want to know. Look forward, not back!

We’re very happy, and very emotionally exhausted. I hope the relief can last us until our next doctor’s appointment. 

[batterymonster2021]

How to build your creative confidence | David Kelley

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/how-to-build-your-creative-confidence-david-kelley-2/

How to build your creative confidence | David Kelley

Translator: Timothy Covell Reviewer: Morton Bast I wanted to talk to you in these days about creative self assurance. I will means again in the 0.33 grade at Oakdale school in Barberton, Ohio. I don’t forget at some point my pleasant pal Brian was engaged on a task. He was once making a horse out of the clay our teacher kept beneath the sink. And at one factor, one of the most girls that used to be sitting at his table, seeing what he was once doing, leaned over and stated to him, "that is horrible. That does not appear whatever like a horse." And Brian’s shoulders sank. And he wadded up the clay horse and he threw it again within the bin.I in no way noticed Brian do a challenge like that ever once more. And i ponder how on the whole that occurs, you know? It looks like when I inform that story of Brian to my category, a variety of them want to come up after type and tell me about their equivalent expertise, how a instructor shut them down, or how a scholar was once above all merciless to them. After which some variety of decide out of considering of themselves as creative at that point. And i see that opting out that happens in childhood, and it strikes in and becomes extra ingrained, even, by the time you get to grownup life. So we see a number of this. When we’ve got a workshop or when we’ve got clients in to work with us aspect through facet, ultimately we get to the point in the process that’s variety of fuzzy or unconventional.And eventually, these massive-shot executives whip out their BlackBerrys and they say they have got to make relatively fundamental mobilephone calls, they usually head for the exits. And they’re in order that uncomfortable. After we track them down and ask them what is going on on, they are saying some thing like, "i am simply now not the ingenious sort." but we know that is now not authentic. If they stick with the method, if they persist with it, they turn out to be doing amazing things. They usually shock themselves at simply how innovative they and their teams rather are.So i’ve been looking at this fear of judgment that we have now, that you do not do matters, you’re afraid you are going to be judged; in the event you do not say the correct ingenious factor, you are going to be judged. And that i had a predominant breakthrough, after I met the psychologist Albert Bandura. I don’t know if you realize Albert Bandura, but if you go to Wikipedia, it says that he is the fourth predominant psychologist in history — you know, like Freud, Skinner, a person and Bandura. (Laughter) Bandura is 86 and he still works at Stanford. And he’s only a lovely guy. So I went to peer him, on account that he’s simply labored on phobias for a long time, which i am very excited about. He had developed this way, this, kind of, methodology, that ended up curing people in an extraordinarily short period of time, like, in four hours. He had a enormous therapy price of people who had phobias. And we pointed out snakes — I don’t know why — we pointed out snakes and worry of snakes as a phobia.And it was relatively gratifying, particularly interesting. He informed me that he’d invite the test subject in, and he’d say, "you recognize, there may be a snake within the subsequent room and we will go in there." To which, he said, most of them spoke back, "Hell no! I am not getting into there, undoubtedly if there’s a snake in there." but Bandura has a step-via-step system that was once tremendous positive. So he’d take people to this two-means reflect watching into the room where the snake was once. And he’d get them cozy with that. Then by way of a sequence of steps, he’d transfer them and they’d be standing within the doorway with the door open, they usually’d be watching in there. And he’d get them at ease with that. And then many more steps later, little one steps, they’d be in the room, they’d have a leather glove like a welder’s glove on, they usually’d ultimately touch the snake. And when they touched the snake, the whole thing was once first-rate. They have been cured. Correctly, the whole lot was higher than first-class. These persons who had lifelong fears of snakes had been saying things like, "look how wonderful that snake is." and so they have been maintaining it of their laps.Bandura calls this approach "guided mastery." i like that term: guided mastery. And anything else occurred. These individuals who went via the procedure and touched the snake ended up having much less anxiety about different matters in their lives. They tried harder, they persevered longer, and they had been more resilient within the face of failure. They just received a new confidence. And Bandura calls that confidence "self-efficacy," the experience that you can exchange the arena and that you may acquire what you set out to do. Good, meeting Bandura used to be particularly cathartic for me, seeing that i realized that this noted scientist had documented and scientifically validated some thing that we now have noticeable happen for the final 30 years: that we could take people who had the fear that they weren’t creative, and we would take them via a series of steps, form of like a series of small successes, and so they flip fear into familiarity. And so they shock themselves. That transformation is effective. We see it on the d.Institution at all times.People from all unique types of disciplines, they think of themselves as simplest analytical. And so they are available and so they go by way of the system, our system, they construct confidence and now they consider of themselves otherwise. And so they’re entirely emotionally occupied with the fact that they stroll round considering of themselves as a creative person. So I inspiration one of the matters i would do today is take you through and exhibit you what this journey looks like.To me, that trip appears like Doug Dietz. Doug Dietz is a technical person. He designs significant scientific imaging apparatus. He’s labored for GE, and he’s had a exquisite profession. But at one factor, he had a second of predicament. He was within the clinic looking at considered one of his MRI machines in use, when he noticed a young family, and this little girl. And that little lady was once crying and used to be terrified. And Doug was once fairly disenchanted to learn that practically 80 percent of the pediatric sufferers in this sanatorium had to be sedated in an effort to take care of his MRI computer. And this was quite disappointing to Doug, in view that before this time, he was proud of what he did.He used to be saving lives with this machine. However it fairly harm him to see the worry that this desktop caused in children. About that point, he was once at the d.Institution at Stanford taking lessons. He was learning about our approach, about design considering, about empathy, about iterative prototyping. And he would take this new competencies and do some thing fairly distinctive. He would redecorate the complete expertise of being scanned. And that is what he came up with.(Laughter) He became it into an adventure for the children. He painted the walls and he painted the computing device, and he got the operators retrained through folks who recognize children, like kid’s museum folks. And now when the kid comes, it can be an experience. And so they talk to them concerning the noise and the movement of the ship. And after they come, they say, "adequate, you are going to go into the pirate ship, however be very nonetheless, because we do not want the pirates to search out you." And the outcome have been super dramatic: from something like 80 percentage of the youngsters desiring to be sedated, to whatever like 10 percentage of the kids needing to be sedated. And the health facility and GE were completely happy, too, on the grounds that you didn’t need to name the anesthesiologist at all times, and they could put more children by means of the desktop in a day. So the quantitative results had been first-class. However Doug’s outcome that he cared about were much more qualitative. He was once with probably the most mothers waiting for her little one to come back out of the scan.And when the little girl came out of her scan, she ran up to her mother and mentioned, "Mommy, can we come back tomorrow?" (Laughter) And so, I’ve heard Doug tell the story routinely of his private transformation and the step forward design that occurred from it, but I’ve by no means relatively visible him inform the story of the little girl without a tear in his eye. Doug’s story takes position in a sanatorium. I do know a thing or two about hospitals. A few years in the past, I felt a lump on the part of my neck. It was my turn within the MRI computer. It used to be cancer, it was the dangerous kind. I was once instructed I had a 40 percent threat of survival. So while you’re sitting round with the other patients, on your pajamas, and all people’s light and skinny — (Laughter) you recognize? — and you’re ready in your turn to get the gamma rays, you suppose of a variety of things.Typically, you feel about: Am I going to survive? And i inspiration quite a bit about: What was once my daughter’s lifestyles going to be like with out me? However you believe about other matters. I proposal so much about: What was once I put on earth to do? What was once my calling? What will have to I do? I was once lucky since I had tons of options. We’d been working in wellbeing and wellness, and okay-12, and the setting up world. So there have been plenty of initiatives that I could work on. But then I determined and committed at this factor, to the item I most wanted to do, which was to support as many folks as possible regain the inventive self assurance they misplaced alongside their means. And if I was once going to outlive, that’s what I wanted to do. I survived, simply so you recognize. (Laughter) (Applause) I really believe that when humans acquire this self assurance — and we see it at all times on the d.Tuition and at IDEO — that they genuinely begin engaged on the things which are rather essential of their lives.We see men and women quit what they are doing and go in new instructional materials. We see them provide you with more intriguing — and simply extra — recommendations, so they may be able to choose from higher strategies. And they simply make better decisions. I do know at TED, you are speculated to have a transformation-the-world variety of thing, is not that — every person has a change-the-world thing? If there may be one for me, this is it, to help this occur. So i hope you can join me on my quest, you as, form of, proposal leaders. It would be particularly pleasant for those who failed to let persons divide the world into the creatives and the non-creatives, find it irresistible’s some God-given factor, and to have folks realize that they are naturally inventive, and that these typical people will have to let their ideas fly; that they must acquire what Bandura calls self-efficacy, that you are able to do what you got down to do, and that you could reach a place of ingenious confidence and touch the snake.Thank you. (Applause) .

[airoasis]

How to build your creative confidence | David Kelley

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/how-to-build-your-creative-confidence-david-kelley/

How to build your creative confidence | David Kelley

Translator: Timothy Covell Reviewer: Morton Bast I wanted to talk to you today about inventive self belief. I’ll start approach again in the 0.33 grade at Oakdale college in Barberton, Ohio. I keep in mind one day my fine pal Brian was once engaged on a challenge. He used to be making a horse out of the clay our teacher saved underneath the sink. And at one factor, one of the women that was once sitting at his desk, seeing what he used to be doing, leaned over and mentioned to him, "that is terrible. That does not seem whatever like a horse." And Brian’s shoulders sank. And he wadded up the clay horse and he threw it back within the bin. I under no circumstances saw Brian do a project like that ever once more. And i’m wondering how more often than not that occurs, you realize? It looks like once I tell that story of Brian to my type, a number of them need to come up after class and tell me about their identical experience, how a instructor shut them down, or how a pupil was once principally merciless to them.After which some form of decide out of considering of themselves as ingenious at that factor. And i see that opting out that happens in childhood, and it moves in and becomes extra ingrained, even, by the point you get to grownup lifestyles. So we see plenty of this. When we have a workshop or when we have now customers in to work with us aspect by using facet, finally we get to the factor within the procedure that is form of fuzzy or unconventional. And ultimately, these colossal-shot executives whip out their BlackBerrys and so they say they must make rather important phone calls, and so they head for the exits.And so they’re just so uncomfortable. When we track them down and ask them what is going on on, they say some thing like, "i am simply no longer the creative form." but we know that’s now not true. If they stick to the procedure, if they persist with it, they turn out to be doing amazing things. And they shock themselves at simply how progressive they and their groups particularly are. So i have been looking at this worry of judgment that now we have, that you don’t do matters, you are afraid you are going to be judged; for those who do not say the correct creative thing, you’re going to be judged. And that i had a principal leap forward, after I met the psychologist Albert Bandura. I do not know if you understand Albert Bandura, but if you happen to go to Wikipedia, it says that he’s the fourth important psychologist in history — you recognize, like Freud, Skinner, an individual and Bandura.(Laughter) Bandura is 86 and he still works at Stanford. And he’s just a beautiful guy. So I went to look him, on account that he’s simply labored on phobias for a long time, which i am very desirous about. He had developed this manner, this, form of, methodology, that ended up curing people in an awfully brief period of time, like, in four hours. He had a giant medication price of men and women who had phobias. And we mentioned snakes — I do not know why — we mentioned snakes and worry of snakes as a phobia. And it was fairly gratifying, fairly interesting. He instructed me that he’d invite the experiment area in, and he’d say, "you realize, there is a snake within the next room and we’ll go in there." To which, he pronounced, most of them answered, "Hell no! I’m now not getting in there, definitely if there may be a snake in there." but Bandura has a step-via-step procedure that was once super effective. So he’d take folks to this two-way mirror looking into the room the place the snake was once.And he’d get them comfortable with that. Then via a sequence of steps, he’d move them and they’d be standing within the doorway with the door open, they usually’d be watching in there. And he’d get them comfortable with that. And then many extra steps later, little one steps, they’d be within the room, they’d have a leather-based glove like a welder’s glove on, and they’d finally contact the snake. And once they touched the snake, the whole lot was once pleasant. They had been cured. Actually, the whole lot used to be higher than high-quality. These men and women who had lifelong fears of snakes have been announcing matters like, "look how wonderful that snake is." and they had been retaining it in their laps. Bandura calls this process "guided mastery." i love that term: guided mastery. And whatever else happened. These people who went through the approach and touched the snake ended up having less anxiety about different matters in their lives.They tried harder, they persevered longer, and they had been more resilient within the face of failure. They just won a brand new self belief. And Bandura calls that confidence "self-efficacy," the sense which you could exchange the sector and that you can attain what you set out to do. Well, meeting Bandura was fairly cathartic for me, considering the fact that i noticed that this noted scientist had documented and scientifically validated some thing that we’ve obvious happen for the last 30 years: that we could take people who had the fear that they weren’t ingenious, and we might take them by way of a sequence of steps, kind of like a sequence of small successes, and so they turn fear into familiarity. They usually shock themselves. That transformation is powerful. We see it at the d.School at all times. Persons from all different sorts of disciplines, they believe of themselves as only analytical. They usually are available they usually go via the procedure, our system, they construct self assurance and now they believe of themselves another way. They usually’re completely emotionally occupied with the fact that they stroll round pondering of themselves as a ingenious individual.So I proposal one of the most things i would do at present is take you via and exhibit you what this trip looks like. To me, that experience looks like Doug Dietz. Doug Dietz is a technical individual. He designs huge scientific imaging apparatus. He is labored for GE, and he’s had a fantastic profession. But at one factor, he had a moment of challenge. He was within the clinic watching at certainly one of his MRI machines in use, when he noticed a younger family, and this little lady. And that little girl was once crying and used to be terrified. And Doug used to be fairly dissatisfied to be trained that almost 80 percent of the pediatric sufferers in this medical institution had to be sedated as a way to handle his MRI desktop.And this was once really disappointing to Doug, due to the fact that before this time, he was proud of what he did. He was once saving lives with this machine. Nevertheless it quite harm him to see the fear that this desktop prompted in youngsters. About that point, he was once on the d.College at Stanford taking courses. He used to be learning about our method, about design considering, about empathy, about iterative prototyping. And he would take this new competencies and do something relatively amazing. He would redesign the complete experience of being scanned. And that is what he got here up with. (Laughter) He turned it into an adventure for the youngsters. He painted the walls and he painted the computing device, and he obtained the operators retrained through persons who be aware of youngsters, like children’s museum folks.And now when the kid comes, it is an experience. And they talk to them in regards to the noise and the motion of the ship. And after they come, they say, "adequate, you are going to enter the pirate ship, however be very still, for the reason that we do not want the pirates to seek out you." And the outcome were super dramatic: from anything like 80 percent of the youngsters wanting to be sedated, to something like 10 percentage of the kids needing to be sedated. And the sanatorium and GE were completely happy, too, considering that you did not have got to call the anesthesiologist at all times, and so they might put more children through the computer in a day. So the quantitative results have been exceptional. But Doug’s outcome that he cared about have been rather more qualitative. He was once with probably the most moms waiting for her youngster to come out of the scan. And when the little woman came out of her scan, she ran as much as her mom and said, "Mommy, do we come again the next day to come?" (Laughter) And so, I’ve heard Doug tell the story in many instances of his individual transformation and the leap forward design that occurred from it, however I’ve under no circumstances rather obvious him inform the story of the little woman without a tear in his eye.Doug’s story takes situation in a health center. I know a factor or two about hospitals. A number of years ago, I felt a lump on the side of my neck. It used to be my turn within the MRI desktop. It was cancer, it was the dangerous kind. I was informed I had a 40 percentage risk of survival. So even as you’re sitting round with the opposite sufferers, for your pajamas, and every person’s pale and skinny — (Laughter) you realize? — and you are ready in your flip to get the gamma rays, you think of quite a lot of matters. In general, you consider about: Am I going to outlive? And that i thought quite a bit about: What used to be my daughter’s existence going to be like with out me? However you believe about other matters. I concept a lot about: What was I put on this planet to do? What was my calling? What should I do? I was once fortunate because I had tons of options. We would been working in well being and health, and okay-12, and the setting up world. So there have been lots of projects that I could work on. However then I determined and dedicated at this point, to the thing I most desired to do, which used to be to support as many humans as possible regain the creative self assurance they misplaced along their way.And if I used to be going to outlive, that is what I wanted to do. I survived, just so you recognize. (Laughter) (Applause) I particularly feel that after men and women reap this confidence — and we see it all the time at the d.University and at IDEO — that they without a doubt start engaged on the matters which are relatively most important of their lives. We see humans give up what they’re doing and go in new directions. We see them provide you with more intriguing — and simply more — suggestions, so they can opt for from higher suggestions.And they just make better decisions. I know at TED, you are imagined to have a change-the-world sort of thing, isn’t that — everyone has a metamorphosis-the-world factor? If there is one for me, this is it, to aid this occur. So i’m hoping you’ll be able to join me on my quest, you as, kind of, idea leaders. It would be particularly exceptional when you did not let people divide the arena into the creatives and the non-creatives, like it’s some God-given thing, and to have folks comprehend that they’re naturally creative, and that those common people should let their suggestions fly; that they should attain what Bandura calls self-efficacy, that you can do what you got down to do, and which you could attain a situation of ingenious confidence and touch the snake. Thank you. (Applause) .

[newyorkbaby]

If you see this, post a snippet from your current WIP

I saw @fondleeds post so I thought, why not!

Louis polishes his spoon with the hem of his shirt by the light of the fire, ignoring the ache in his back and the soreness of his bum. The flat cushion he's sitting on is easily the most uncomfortable bed he's ever had, but it's better than sleeping on the cold tube station floor.

He hums along to the radio, some oldies singer crooning out a song Louis has heard hundreds of thousands of times in the past six months. It's just habit, by now.

When his spoon is reasonably clean, he yanks open his satchel and digs around. While there isn't much left to choose from, he still feels indecisive as he pulls out a can of pork 'n' beans and a rolled up bag of Weetabix.

He considers the fact that it's the last of his cereal, the box having only lasted him a few days. He knows he should hold on until he can restock, knows he should savor it, but the cereal-aholic in him takes over and he grabs his bowl and dumps out the remains.

Some powdered milk, some (hopefully) less-than-lethally irradiated water, and soon Louis is digging in. The satisfying sound of his crunching muffles out the droning from the radio, and makes it harder to hear Grimmy's voice as the song comes to a close.

"That was Way Back Home by Bing Crosby and the Bobcats," he says, "in case you have been living under a rock for your entire life and didn't already know."

Louis chuckles to himself after swallowing another spoonful of cereal.

"Honestly," Grimmy continues, "the biggest tragedy of the apocalypse is being left to play the same 10 records over and over again! Anyway," Louis can practically hear Grimmy's eyes rolling, "up next is Roy Brown's Butcher Pete, so enjoy and don't forget to take your RadAway!"

Louis grimaces as the next song starts up, setting aside his mostly-empty cereal bowl and grabbing his pack. He hopes the food he's been eating hasn't been too contaminated, but everything he's eaten since leaving the vault has had that telltale metallic taste to it, so he's not quite sure.

He pulls out three empty packets of RadAway before he finds one with a little bit of solution left. It'll have to do.

Loading up the needle and taking the shot, Louis winces through the sting as the chemicals rush through his bloodstream. Fortunately, he's had lots of practice delivering intravenous medicines. He lets his mind wander as the solution settles, remembering the hours he had spent helping his mother in the vault's clinic, bandaging up scrapes for the kids and helping give the old-timers their pills. He remembers watching his mother struggle to find a useable vein in Mrs. Pennington, an old woman on her way out of this life. When his mum had finally succeeded at connecting the IV, they both watched as Mrs. Pennington drifted to sleep for the last time.

He remembers being afraid to die. Now, though, he knows there are worse fates than dying peacefully in a warm bed, surrounded by friends. Now he's afraid he'll die alone, brutally, without ever knowing the fate of his mother, his sisters, his baby brother.

Louis' thoughts are interrupted by shuffling from down the tube corridor.

He's been living in this underground station for months, having stumbled upon it when he gave up his search for his family near the vault and decided to move south. Since then it's been his home base, and he's suffered his fair share of visitors, mainly in the form of feral dogs and ghouls. Still, he knows that any day could be his last, and the idea of being ripped apart by the monsters of the wastes sends his heart rate spiking.

Leaving the radio on as a cover for the noise, Louis slinks away from the fire he's built in the middle of the platform and hides behind a pillar, loading his last few energy cells into the laser pistol that's barely managed to survive the past few months without repairs.

Louis holds his breath as the shuffling gets closer. He can't pick up any breathing, as is usually the case with feral dogs, and the average feral ghoul usually never stops howling and grunting. He hopes it's just a mutant mole rat or perhaps an oversized insect, but with Louis' luck, he doubts it.

Grimmy's voice continues to spout off on the radio, echoing off the cement walls and bouncing down the tunnels. He announces the next song, and the Glenn Miller Orchestra kicks off a jazzy rendition of At Last. The fire crackles loudly once, twice, and Louis tries not to let the idea that his killer could be on the other side of the pillar he's hiding behind.

When he hears the sound of tin cans being knocked over, and a quiet "shit!" is blurted out by the intruder, Louis' heart jumps into his throat. He acts on instinct, spins around the pillar and points his pistol at the dark figure looming over his things.

"Oi!" he shouts. "Drop your weapons and put your hands up!"

The intruder - a man, Louis notices - squeaks and drops what Louis recognizes as his own copy of Tumblers Today. His hands fly up as he turns towards Louis, and the light from the fire illuminates his face.

Louis' hands tremble as he takes the man in, from his dirty boots to the messy bun that sits on the top of his head. His eyes are wide and seem black in the poor lighting of the tube station, and his fingers are visibly shaking where they poke out of his fingerless gloves. He's taller than Louis, and broader, but he looks as if he's just seen his entire life flash before his eyes. Louis can't blame him, really. Nobody likes surprises, not in the wasteland.

"What are you doing here?" Louis demands, hoping the tremors in his voice are somewhat hidden by the gentle love song playing in the background.

"I-I'm just looking," the man stammers, "just looking for parts!"

"Parts? What do you mean, parts? What kind of parts?" Louis knows the man must be looking for weapons and ammo, same as Louis has been doing for the past six months, but he's so completely shocked to see another human that he can't quite figure out what exactly he should say.

"Anything," the man says. "I look for scraps, for tech, anything! Please don't shoot me!" His voice, though deep, jumps a few octaves when he pleads.

"Quiet!" Louis hisses, nervously rocking from foot to foot. His inclination is to believe the man, but his head is fuzzy and his heart is pounding and dammit, he didn't even know there were other people still alive out here! "Have you got any weapons?"

The man nods. "In my bag, and in the holster." He nods again, this time towards the belt that is resting snug against his hips.

Louis looks closer, feeling his heart return to a semi-normal pace of beating. The stranger isn't lying; there is definitely an old-school pistol tucked into a holster on his right side, and he can see what looks to be the barrel end of a rifle sticking out of the top of his backpack. There are also multiple purses slung across his chest, Louis notices, although he's not sure what their purpose is. He doubts the man is trying to make any fashion statements, but, stranger things, and all that.

"What else do you have on you?" Louis asks, lowering his gun slightly, but not entirely.

"Just scrap metal, a few batteries, ammo, some food-"

"Alright," Louis stops him. "I get it. Listen-"

"Harry," the stranger supplies.

"Right. Harry. Listen, I-"

Both of them stop talking as a series of howls interrupt their encounter. The hairs on Louis' arms and the back of his neck stand at full attention. He knows that noise, absolutely.

"Ghouls," he whispers.

Harry is immediately three steps further away than he was before, though his arms are still raised. Louis re-aims his pistol on the stranger.

"Hold it," he demands, his voice a harsh whisper. Another series of howls rings out, and Louis regrets not switching off the radio before. The love song has ended and Grimmy is chattering away, likely drawing the ghouls in, but Louis refuses to turn his back to the stranger for even a second.

"I'm sorry I intruded," Harry says as he continues to move back incrementally, "but I really must be going."

"But!" Louis quickly runs through excuses to keep the stranger in place in his head. He is untrusting, and he's scared, but maybe Harry knows where other people are. Maybe he's seen-

More screeching, and grunting. The ghouls are surely just around the bend, soon to descend on Louis' hideaway.

"Come with me," Harry blurts, and Louis swallows hard.

It's a huge risk. Harry might kill him, or worse.

Still, between another living human and a pack of glowing, flesh-dripping mutants, the choice is somewhat easy.

"Okay."

Louis puts down his gun, grabs his pack, and shovels in what he can before he takes off after Harry. As they ascend the platform steps and break out above ground, Grimmy's laughter is drowned out by the howling of the feral ghouls.

[itsjayyyy]

January 16, 2019 4:51 pm

So on last thursday after that update, I met up with heather for the first time since October. We met up at starbucks, but neither of us bought a drink. She already knew about my moving out because she saw me posting about it on snapchat. I told her all about how my new roommates don’t really talk to me (or do the dishes, or pay rent on time...) and also how my parents didn’t let me have my own bed (she was really shocked at that, which i didn’t understand like girl ive been homeless because of my parents no shit they won’t let me take a bed they bought themselves). I also told her about the whole rose situation, and ofc anna. I thought it was funny how when i told her about the whole “surgery on a porcupine” she was like “how is that possible? you mean she did surgery on those things that fall off of trees?”

After hanging with her, I went home since I had like 5 hours until my next class. rose kept messaging me like “hey are you ready to meet up?” “i can see you’re home now” etc. I didn’t answer, and honestly i was annoyed that she used my location as a weapon, so i left my phone at home when i went to class. Which was kinda annoying tbh, i felt so disconnected without it. (just got sidetracked, but i think when i get my student refund i’m gonna buy an ipod nano 1st gen, which was the first mp3 player i ever had. prob gonna fill it with the 3 vocaloid cd’s i found). After class i went to get a smoothie, then drove home. rose was waiting outside my door for me to get home, and she started going on about “omg i was so worried you weren’t answering my texts etc” we get into my apartment, and i just kinda unloaded onto her (again). just told her how it’s not even just the whole mom situation, but all of them had piled so much hate onto me since i was a kid that i’m incapable of loving myself, and it only frustrates me when they say “don’t see yourself negatively!” it’s like someone breaking your arm and then saying “just use your hand to grab x” without acknowledging that your arm was broken by them. she starts crying (as she always does tbh), then we go to get sushi. 

friday i only had one class (psychology) so i chilled at home most of the day. can’t really remember what i did lol. oh wait i think i hung out with rose, to make up for not hanging out on thursday. yea we chilled at my apartment for a bit, then went to the west side to scoop up peter and get hooter’s. and then i complained about how i started feeling sick, and then called in saturday. i told myself that i would get ahead on my homework and clean my room, but i spent most of the day chilling. the gray cat that hangs around my apartment walked by my window, so i opened it and pet her. She climbed into my room, and i spent a good 3 hours just playing with her. I texted the owner asking if she was pregnant or not (bc she really looked like she was about to give birth) but he texted back saying it was a boy, and neutered. apparently he’s just super cuddly. 

i called in sunday too, since it’s like i already lost an attendance point and i didn’t feel like going to work. i actually was productive that day, like i did laundry and cleaned my room. still getting the depressive episode out of my system, though, so i wasn’t running at full capacity. 

on monday, i checked anna’s twitter (btw after i soft blocked her i felt that she was still looking at my profile tho, like our tweets would mirror each other in mood a lot), and she tweeted “omg i think my crush is flirting with me” so rip my chances with her. and yea i know it wasn’t about me bc outside of class i heard her talking about how they were talking thru snapchat. :c

i really can’t wait until fall when i get transferred to the downtown campus, though. as i was walking up to msb, i saw someone sitting directly next to the entrance. and you can probably guess who it was. I really thought “new semester, new schedule, no more stalker savon waiting outside my classes” but i guess i was wrong. as i sat in the hall waiting for my class to start, I had a minor anxiety attack that i tried to cover up by talking to my classmates and professor about high school funding. luckily in that conversation, i learned that msb has two side exits, so now i have different paths to take. (honestly this whole time i’ve gone here, i thought the “handicap accessible” sign in front of the side entrance was trying to say that wheelchairs should go down the stairs, but my classmate pointed out that it was supposed to say “handicap accessible, up this path to the right,” not directly forward. I took the side stairs after class and basically ran to the garage in case he was following. At home i still had an assignment for comp, which was “visit a place on campus that you’ve never been to before and draw it in a 4-panel comic” (this class is all about multimodal writing) which, by the way, is really only possible for freshmen. as a spohomore, there isn’t a single place on campus that i haven’t been to. except for that side stairwell. so i drew my experiences taking a new staircase as an exit. let me make this journal entry multimodal by adding my comic:

anyways, that comic was apparently way overdrawn, when all of my classmates did simple stick figures at memory mall. kinda felt like wednesday addams wearing a long black dress at summer camp. it was nice tho, gave me a way to express all of my feelings about the whole thing (since i had nobody to talk to). it was like art therapy.

tuesday we had a quiz at the end of calc. i know hindsight’s 20/20, but seriously how the fuck did i fail this class it’s so damn simple. I finished the quiz in a literal 30 seconds and then sat there because i didn’t want to be the first person to finish. all of my classmates looked really deep in thought too, so i started to wonder if i was maybe not doing it right. but then the professor walked by and saw i wasn’t doing anything, so i was like “is this all that we have to do (setting up an integral but not even solving it)” and he was like yea, ur good. surreal.

then i went home and chilled until my evening class, then after that drove to peter’s bc we were gonna hang. so rose remembered that i was coming over, but peter forgot; while peter remembered they invited paul over, but rose forgot. i know that they’re kinda close with paul and all but tbh i don’t really know him that well, and it feels awkward hanging with him. when i told rose that, she was like “but you guys have hung out together, remember that time you got blackout drunk and slept on his bed, i felt like that was a real bonding moment for yall” um no i actually didn’t remember that, probably because i was BLACKOUT DRUNK. anyways i told all of them about anna (since peter and paul didn’t hear the story), then we smoked a little and played comer. We all won a round except for peter lol. then we watched an episode of marie kondo’s show (i wanted them to see how she lowkey looks like a robot), and then i headed home. i got home at like midnight tho, and since we had a sub today in calc, i figured i could skip it. so today i woke up around 10, got on campus at 2 since i was gonna hang with heather (but her boss didn’t let her have a break since she only worked 5 hours so we’re gonna meet tomorrow instead), went to psychology (and we finished the chapter early so no class friday!!!), and since then i’ve been in the library writing this.

here’s my plan for surviving this semester: i’m gonna act like this is fuckin birdbox, but extreme version. he wants to get a reaction out of me, and he’s not gonna. from now on, any time that i’m outside of a building (and even most times that i’m indoors but not in class) I’m going to have headphones in, and look down at the ground (not like directly at my feet, but like looking forward but at the ground ahead of me) or at my phone. that way if he finds me, he still can’t get a reaction bc i’m visibly distracted in the only two senses that he can reach me through. i don’t think he would go as far as to try to touch me, so i should be safe.

i hate that i feel like i’m always on the defensive at my own damn college. i hate feeling like i can’t even walk around freely without being followed. but hopefully i just need to make it to fall, hopefully ucf doesn’t delay the opening of the downtown campus, hopefully i transfer in a few months and can *really* put this all behind me. then it’s all smooth sailing, just gonna go through my final two years at uni, then graduate, get a job in CPS for a few years, then go back to school for my master’s. from there become a licensed clinical social worker, so that i can maybe work for cps but in a hospital setting where i get paid more, buy a house, have a family. get out of orlando. (but i kinda like orlando...)

anyways it’s 6 o clock now, so in about 15 minutes i’m gonna leave the library, use the guidelines i wrote above, use the side entrance, and get to class.