#that is a crisis of identity i do not want to confront yet

[whitherwanderer]

30 // amity

Breath slow. Eyes open. Hands steady, for once. It was nice not to feel how much of her strength she’d lost and still be able to aim straight.

When was the last time she did this? When was the last time she did this and felt something good?

She squared her posture, pulled her arm back tight, and stared down the first bottle she’d perched on a rock. She took her time. She felt through herself, the wind, the savory calm. And when she was ready, it wasn't a matter of letting go in the way she was used to. Instead, she gripped tight. She squeezed the trigger.

Her arms jerked, but she held herself steady. It wasn’t as loud as she remembered, though the shot rang through the desert and scared the nearby birds into flight or silence. And her target? Sif’s heart nearly burst into flames in her chest when all she could see of it were glittering shards of brown glass littering the dirt. But she pulled a deep breath. Then another. Measured. Composed. For a beat.

Her boot came down hard into the gravel and her arms went up in the air, barking a laugh at herself as she pulled the weapon—this hard-won trophy, a symbol that she wasn’t a failure but merely changed—close to her chest to feel the heat off of it. “Gods, damn it. Finally,” she sighed, an irrepressible smile on her lips.

If only she had more than a precious few bullets, she might have fired off another round or two, become more familiar with the weapon, built her confidence and learned her limits. But this? This small, long-sought victory was enough for now. Enough to assure her that she could still be good for something. That he alone wouldn't have to bear the responsibility of protecting them both.

Spinner would have Her way of turning her fortunes tomorrow, Sif wagered, but today? Today was hers.

She settled down in the shade of the ironwood under which they’d made camp and set the weapon aside in favor of a flask, lifting it to the heavens in thanks before bringing it to her lips. As a bitter taste flooded her tongue, she was given pause, then huffed to herself.

A battle-in-progress that she was fighting on a quieter front. Tea.

[theoraclephobetor]

Franklyn makes Hannibal so uncomfortable and he hates this little cheese man so much.

Dan Fogler is a master for acting this character in such a smarmy and unsympathetic way - and he does it without making Franklyn actively evil or mean. There's just this undercurrent of piteous desperation in everything he does, and he's so obviously dysfunctional in a way that is deeply repellent to viewers.

For Hannibal, it's worse. Hannibal is canny enough to recognize another human who constantly wears a 'person suit'. He watches Franklyn craft himself a persona from their conversations, from his own preferences, moulding himself into a perfect friend for Hannibal. Franklyn has such an ego, and thinks that where the world failed a famous man, he - in his infinite capacity for support and friendship - could succeed. But in crafting his person suit to perfectly fit his therapist's tastes, he makes himself repugnant to Hannibal.

Franklyn is doing to Hannibal what Hannibal is trying to do for Will - he wants to make himself into Will's anchor, to get behind his walls and touch greatness, to be his saviour (in a way) and show Will his true potential.

And yet Franklyn is objectively pitiable.

Which means Hannibal, seeing his actions played out by this small man, has to grapple with the fact that he is also a small and desperate creature. He is also pitiable.

This is the same episode where Will talks about the Chesapeake Ripper as an insignificant thing that should not have been born and can never really be a person - no matter how hard it tries. He talks about the Ripper's person suit as an extrapolation - something that must exist because how else would he have evaded capture - but what Will sees in that moment is the Ripper.

Will takes so much longer to figure out Hannibal because he gives Hannibal his trust so early on in the series. He isn't looking too deeply below Hannibal's facade (which I firmly think he sees) because he trusts that there is something behind it that vaguely resembles a person. Hannibal gets all the credit for seeing that Will has a cruel streak, but Will also sees parts of Hannibal that (almost) no one else has spotted - mainly, that he holds himself firmly apart from people, even as he charms them.

And Will is completely right. Hannibal is so lonely that he goes to find Will when he doesn't show up to an appointment. He has been confronted with his own loneliness through Franklyn, while at the same time needing to shore up his identity as the Chesapeake Ripper after two copycat kills. Sorbet is all about Hannibal's identity crisis working in opposition to his desire to make Will Graham his friend.

That's also what Bedelia sees when she calls out Hannibal's person suit/human veil. Like yeah, she'll have a glass of rose and a nice conversation with him, because she honestly does like the character Hannibal's been puppeting for years. But she knows it's a shadow play. She knows that they may be friendly, but friendship requires knowing Hannibal. Bedelia peeked beneath that veil - once, at her most vulnerable moment - and she never forgets that the person suit is tailored for a lonely predator. She never forgets that the only way he was able to truly connect with her was to manipulate her into killing.

Bedelia's place in all this is so interesting to me, because for a little while she is the audience surrogate. She has the same knowledge of Hannibal's character as any viewer who grew up with The Silence of the Lambs. Later she becomes a participatory character (until Hannibal makes her a surrogate for Will), but in the beginning she exists to help show the watcher what they already know. She reaffirms - in a time when Will and Jack are becoming untethered from their realities - that what the viewer knows about Hannibal is true. Bedelia is the viewer's anchor in this narrative, up until the point she chooses to disappear from it.

Though she knows better than to clearly say as much, I think she hears about Franklyn and knows exactly why Hannibal wants nothing to do with him.

[mageknight14]

I made a whole Twitter thread about this a few months back but I figured that I might as well bring it here as well.

Today I want to take some time to make another NEO TWEWY analysis post on the Identity Crisis sidequest revolving around Eiru and how it actually provides extra insight into Nagi and Fret’s characters.

Basically, the main gist of the sidequest is that Nagi and Fret are debating on how to imprint confidence onto Eiru, who’s suffering with his physical insecurities, and this is where we see the differences with Nagi and Fret's philosophies on life.

Fret's response is to tell Eiru to ignore the haters and even more so, ignore confronting the insecurities; life is better when you don't have to concern yourself with anything or try; don't take anything seriously. Nagi, however, believes that insecurities should be understood and harnessed so that they can ultimately be turned into a strength that can be used as a tool for success; accept your weaknesses and come to terms with them so that you can weaponize your strengths better.

On a surface level, these might read to be the same thing. Fret’s advice can be read positively as "don't let others judge you for something you can't control" and Fret certainly thinks so, hence why he thinks that he and Nagi are on the same page even though she disagrees.

However, when you read between the lines and think about it some more, there are notable implications that Fret's advice is more of a dismissive approach to dealing with emotional struggles as opposed to Nagi's own methodology. It’s no coincidence that Fret used to be a fan of the Eiji "the Prince" Oji in his ennui/apathy phase. The Prince in the original TWEWY was beloved for his “don’t give a damn attitude” and how he expressed that both in person and in his blog “F Everything.” Fret claims to have grown out of it but with certain reveals about his character later on, there are some implications that Fret latched onto the Prince and aspired to his attitude due to his own struggles with feeling genuine and wanting to embracing apathy instead.

However, if you recall in the original game, Neku and Joshua came around and helped the Prince sort out his own issues and in the process, helped him to become more genuine and true to himself in the process. With all of this in mind, you can interpret Fret’s response as him seeing the process of the Prince’s reconciliation with his genuine emotions happening in front of him and didn’t want to confront the possibility of that happening to him as well so he "grows out of it." It also acts as a neat parallel to Neku and his own thing with CAT. Whereas Neku latched onto his misinterpretation of CAT’s words in order to cope with his trauma, Fret turned away from the Prince changing so that he wouldn’t have to deal with his own trauma just yet.

To get back to the quest, if player had decided to choose Fret's philosophy, Eiru ends up doing just that, spinning Fret's stance on the situation into self-motivating positivity. However, there's a element of emotional responsibility lacking in Fret's way of processing struggles in that he doesn't seem to have the awareness to recognize the difference between overcoming adversity and just ignoring it (or maybe he does but refuses to confront that truth). In order for someone to truly not care what other people think, they need to do what Nagi suggested first, which is to find acceptance with their insecurities and build a stronger foundation for their character through that acceptance.

If the player chose Fret's approach to solving Eiru's issue, his dialogue afterwards shows how he feels about not having to face issues head on, with Nagi lamenting that her approach was not used despite being glad that Eiru's mood was visibily improved.

I also really like this moment here for how it subtly foreshadows what caused Fret’s attitude and way of thinking to happen in the first place.

Stuff like this is why I always tend to roll my eyes whenever I hear the claim that "Nagi is mean to Fret for no reason" when moments like these show why she acts the way she does towards him: their philosophies on life are complete polar opposites.

In Nagi’s eyes, Fret acting the way he did screamed to her that he seemingly had no regard for how his attitude and actions towards others made other people feel in service of his own self-interest and she fundamentally cannot get along with other people of that nature, as shown with how she dismisses Motoi entirely off the bat when the crew first meets him because she could tell that there was something off about his attitude. However, once it was revealed that Fret’s attitude was due to him trying to unhealthily cope with his trauma and not because he was seemingly unconcerned for the feelings of others, she’s far more understandable towards him and empathizes with his grief.

That’s when Nagi learns to understand that she does not need to dismiss people right away and that they, like Fret, might be going through struggles of their own and trying to cope with it via other means, even if she doesn’t agree with it at first. Hence the friendship they start up at the end of the convo.

The characters in NEO have a lot of internal flaws they need to work through, some that might not be immediate obvious at first compared to the original, but when you look back at it all, the game goes through a lot of painstaking detail to flesh out their struggles and mindset and aspects like these is what makes the game a joy for me to replay whenever I go back to it.

[subsystems]

hope sending ask is ok rn, i have hard time looking resource. looking for book how to co-exist with independent dissociative parts (have system but not feel safe in saying DID yet). cannot do therapist addressing parts yet but want to cope in daily life. hope can help. or others comment/reblog and give. thank you 🍀

This ask was sent a while ago, I hope you're doing okay now anon. You say you can't talk to a therapist yet but I hope you have someone else in your life who is supportive and you can talk to about these things! You shouldn't have to face this alone.

Even though you don't have therapeutic support, it's still possible to build up communication and cooperation with your parts. I reblog a lot of tips and resources to my coping tag if you want to check that out. Here are some other resources that you might find helpful:

DID/OSDD Self-help Masterlist There are so many resources here, categorized by different topics. You'll find stuff here for both survivors and loved ones, and you don't need to have DID/OSDD to use them!

Beauty After Bruises Blog You'll find so many articles here on coping with daily life as a dissociative survivor. I love how they're written, they feel very approachable and almost calming to read.

Dissociative Living Admittedly, I haven't read many of these articles but the few I've seen have been good. I think their writing is very approachable for people who are new to all of this.

DIS-SOS Lots of advice and informative articles on living with DID here -- in both English and German! I've found some really interesting and unique coping tips here, I definitely recommend it. It's actually because of this blog that I discovered one of my favorite methods of system communication.

CTAD Clinic Youtube Channel A channel run by the director of this clinic which specializes in dissociation and trauma. I've watched probably all of his videos -- they're very good! Lots of the videos provide tools and self-help tips on coping with dissociation & dissociative parts!

Carolyn Spring's Blog You'll find amazing articles here about trauma and dissociation, but do be aware that the author is both a professional and a survivor with DID herself. She isn't afraid to talk about her lived experience, shining a light on the reality of trauma and dissociation which can be confronting but oh-so empowering to read.

System Speak Podcast A podcast run by a DID system. She talks about her own healing journey as well as interviews professionals and dives into the psychology behind trauma and dissociation. Personally, I think the website is a bit hard to navigate but every podcast I've listened to has been extremely informative and relatable!

Self-help books can also be extremely useful if you don't have access to a therapist. You can find a bunch of free downloads here! I would recommend starting with "Got Parts? An Insider's Guide to Managing Life Successfully with Dissociative Identity Disorder" by ATW. Personally, I think this is the best book to start with. It's a bit old and there are some outdated ideas in it, but I think it's a very gentle entry into learning system communication and coping with DID if you have never worked with a therapist.

Some other resources that might be useful:

Strategies for coping with distressing voices

FREE 100 page e-book for trauma survivors

Talk/vent to listeners on this non-crisis support chat line

Apply for a grant to receive financial help or a therapy box -> (Also learn about the Therapy Box Project! If anyone is able to donate, please do!)

- Sunflower

[jenyifer]

So bad news I may started writing a fic for SVSSS. Now will it be poly like my only friends fic? Ehhh??? Probably not *squints* maybe. 🤔 anyways thought I’d share incase there is already a fic like it or if people won’t enjoy it. Came up with the idea as I thought about how LBH is SQH’s self insert as an author it’s easier to put a lot of yourself into the main character. Yeah it’s an idealized sexy man meat mountain of a man but I think the chaotic clingy curly hair comes from Airplane. So I thought welll what if SQQ is an idealized version of an older student bully who was cold collected things Airplane had a big fat gay crush on which is why he wanted his self insert to be changed by SQQ and kill him.

So just a simple not so simple reversal. MBJ and LBH are friends irl. LBH unknowingly reads and simps for the universe MBJ writes in his free time. The plot of (yet to be named web novel) is more about demon emperor SQQ solving mystery’s and crisis by being intelligent and alluring he’s also overly powerful with his ally Northern King SQH who is chaotic and resourceful. Most people ship SQQ and SQH together even though the romance elements in the webnovel are few and far between and usually some unobtainable one night stands with the villain or tragic woman who will be killed the next day. LBH loves SQQ has all the merch. LBH finds out MBJ is the writer after he reads the latest chapter where SQH is cursed with demise under his skin making him weaken to be a shell of his demonic self. The dialogue between SQQ and SQH is creepily reminiscent of the conversation LBH had with MBJ when LBH had revealed he is dying because of late stage cancer. Of course SQQ is prepared to do anything to save his best friend sacrificing who he was because their friendship means more than the demon empire or SQQ’s morals. SQQ sacrifices his demonic energy to save his friend. Accompanying this chapter was an extra of a clumsy drawing saying this is what the ice king’s original drafts of the characters for the artists. LBH couldn’t help but notice how similar his characteristics are to SQH curly hair terribly thin and short while radiating power through his crazy expression and SQQ was tall and stoic and LBH is horrified to realize his best friend MBJ sees himself this way tall with straight hair with an aura of superiority. When LBH confronts MBJ about the webnovel MBJ who is normally silent and a shut in exclaims that of course it’s his novel. MBJ wanted to dream about a world where they could go out and have adventures together was that such an evil thing? LBH shouts that in this reality he’s going to die and what will MBJ do then. Everything shifts into a portal and they are brought into the webnovel. LBH a half Demon hiding his identity on one of the peaks a student under MBJ who is a peak lord. They decided if they are there they might as well find SQH and SQQ for plot reasons. Haha anyways idk if I can write something like that since… I have to work…. Also the cancer thing might be too real for me (I think it’s been 15 years since I lost a close friend to cancer) But I want to write it 😭

[nightcolorz]

more on dissociative armand- some songs that i feel fit him & this headcanon very well because i cant not relate him to songs (my armand playlist is something like 17 hours long at this point, not including 3 separate ones that are also for him)

- Christine by Siouxsie and The Banshees

“she tries not to shatter, kaleidoscope style, personality changes behind her red smile, every new problem brings a stranger inside, helplessly forcing one more new disguise”

Now, this song is actually about a woman named Christine with DID, but with this headcanon the songs, and particularly these opening lyrics match up with Armand very well, both with his disconnect between Armand, Amadeo and Arun and with his intense masking to hide his abnormalities and discomforts.

- Valley of the Dolls by Marina (and the Diamonds)

“Born with a void, hard to destroy with love or hope, built with a heart, broken from the start”

&

“Living with identities that do not belong to me”

&

“Pick a personality for free, when you feel like nobody”

This song has a whole lot of thing that feel very Armand so i’ll go in order of the lyrics.

The first set of these lyrics definitely reminds me of Armand thinking and talking about his own past and what little he remembers of it. When he is talking to Daniel in 1973 he uses the metaphor of a black hole to talk about the absence of a meaningful self or life, which he projects onto Daniel even as it relates to himself a lot more. Armand is always a character that is sort of “doomed from the start”, his narrative of horrors and dehumanisation beginning at such a young age (even with things like “not made from human hands”) that he doesn’t really know anything else. He doesn’t have any sense of self than a void, and his heart really is broken from the start, never really being able to love someone or understand love at all. (“would he recognise love, if he were to experience it?”)

The second set of lyrics add onto this and the HC of dissociative disorders/ his identities really being separate. The identities of Amadeo and Armand never did belong to him, they were given to him, assigned to him by Marius and Allessandra respectively. Then there is Arun, who he doesn’t remember. He doesn’t know if that was his true name at all and all he does remember is when that life and identity was taken from him. It doesn’t come back up until his relationship with Louis, and when it starts to be used in their unhealthy Dom/Sub relationship, it again doesn’t belong to him, but to Louis.

The third set of lyrics really is an add on to the second, Armand doesn’t really feel like anyone, he has no fixed identity, so he keeps choosing different parts to play to please or serve whoever he’s around and what they want, be it Lestat, the theatre coven, Louis or Daniel. These come so easily and freely because it’s all he knows, it’s not putting a mask over a real person, its becoming another phantom of a person that he has always been.

- Another Marina song, Fear and Loathing

“I’ve lived a lot of different lives, been different people many times, I lived my life in bitterness, and fill my heart with emptiness”

&

“Got different people inside my head, I wonder which one that they like best, I’m done with trying to have it all, and ending up with not much at all”

I don’t really have anything to say here that wouldn’t be repeating what I said for Valley of the Dolls as it’s very much the same thing, but these lyrics are too fitting not to also mention, and this song is So Very Armand both in lyrics and sonically, it has that perfect dreamy-gentle yet heartbreaking tone.

Last but not least Identity by X-Ray Spex gives me a very similar vibe even if the tone is very different (a classic punk song). I can’t really say much about the lyrics as they are quite repetitive (“Identity is the crisis can’t you see”) but it’s very Armand nonetheless and gives me the impression of Old man no nonsense Daniel confronting him about his lack of self

YESSSS UR SO RIGHT THESE R PERFECT!!!! Every time I get sent Armand songs I get ten more years on my life

[sky-scribbles]

Playlist for my Aeor longfic

I failed to figure out how to do a fancy spotify embed like the kids do but uh. Here's the playlist for Gravity!

I listened to this while planning and writing, and there are even a few shout-outs to the songs in the fic... Songs are arranged chronologically, so you should be able to hear the story happening, hopefully :'D

Further yelling about song choices under the cut!

A Matter of Time - This one is... sort of the fic's opening titles in my head? I wanted to start out with an instrumental, to capture the vibes of the months before the fic opens - Essek and Caleb apart, thinking about the T-Dock, and each other. Wondering. Waiting.

Horse to Water - Essek in Chapter 1, knowing his life as the Shadowhand is ending, waiting for Caleb to come and take him away to whatever comes next. (I'm normally very picky about not putting songs that reference modern day stuff on fantasy playlists but this one's vibes were too perfect)

Dear Fellow Traveller - Two wizards heading into Aeor together.

Conquest of Spaces - A song for Aeor. A dark, beautiful city, the remains of a people who lived by greed and power. (And two wizards in the ruins, trying to draw closer to each other.)

Neptune - This is mostly for Essek's breakdown in chapter 5, as he worries he'll never break out of his Shadowhand manipulation, wanting to be closer to Caleb and not knowing what that would even look like. And it's a little for Caleb in chapter 6, too, grappling with his feelings for Essek and his fears that they'll ultimately be bad for each other.

Please Don't Say You Love Me - ... and as they move past those fears, this song is for them tentatively acknowledging what they might be to each other. Not yet. But maybe soon.

Woodwork - This is for the chapters 6-9 span, as they learn more about Brashaar's plan. The pressure of a crisis has an odd way of making them realise just how deep their trust and care for each other runs.

Two Evils - Since we're at the point where Brashaar shows up, she gets a song now! This is pretty much her internal monologue during her confrontation with the wizards (though she really should have paid attention to 'if you're not careful, you will lose her' in reference to Quaera...)

Winter - Travelling northward, and yearning. Wishing they had more time.

Mind - A song for a young Quaera, slowly forming a personality, wondering about who she is and how her identity forms...

The Tower - ... and having their own breakdown.

What Could Have Been - I love me a good villainous breakdown, and this is a song for Brashaar's. This is how I imagine she feels during the final confrontation, raging against the gods, against Caleb and Essek, against Quaera after they turn from her. Not quite able to let go of what she thinks Aeor could have been. What, in her eyes, the world is meant to be. (As a bonus, I think the second verse sounds a bit like a retort to her from Quaera...)

Everybody Wants to Rule the World - This is such a fun cinematic cover, and I can't tell you how many times I've imagined a mental AMV of the final battle with Brashaar set to it :'D

Ori, Embracing the Light - I wanted an instrumental here too, because... Essek is dead, Caleb is in shutdown, and Essek and Quaera are communing with the Luxon, a being that doesn't really speak with words. Also, 'embracing the light' is exactly what Quaera does at this point.

Would That I - I know we all use this as Caleb's 'learning to live and love again' song... and I am no exception. This is for him after the T-Dock, finally fully acknowledging his grief, and his love for Essek.

First Day of my Life - Just two wizards realising that they have a future, and agreeing to slowly work at what's between them.

Ready to Call This Love - This one speaks for itself, honestly.

Five - Both of the wizards in the final chapter, but especially Essek realising how isolated he's been from the world, and letting it all in so he can feel it. (Also, studying the universe is a love language - )

Gravity - Gravity is a metaphor for love!!!!

[mrhaitch]

Hello Mr. Haitch! You inadvertently recommended the Southern Reach series all the way back then… so of course, I bought the book Annihilation.

I’m only on page 61, but by page 9, I knew that this book was probably going to be my favorite for this year. The thing is, I probably would have devoured it all in one go if I didn’t stop to jot down notes and ideas every five pages. This book has already given me an existential crisis.

Can we have a book discussion?? There are just so many thought-provoking quotes. But for now I’ll only show one (from page 8):

I have quite a few thoughts about this line. First of all, this is what drives the biologist: it’s the reason why she’s in Area X and why she’s there to stay. And it also relates to her identity. There was this one line… I didn’t save it… where she admits to pretending to be a biologist. She’s simply someone in pursuit of knowledge. Or the “truth.” Some understanding of why things happen the way they do.

(The urge to connect the theme of pretending… but it should be saved for another time.)

If someone asked me why I like exploring character analysis, I’d say to learn more about the characters. But if they ask me why I want to learn more specifically, I don’t really have an answer to that. Like the book said, it’s a “self-immolating desire.” Curiosity is something that needs to be satiated.

Lastly, this quote made me wonder… does truth even exist? Is it just something that humans made up? Because everything is based on perception, with what we perceive with our senses which is where it becomes subjective. It’s the reason why the same event can have a different event from two different narratives. Like in JJK, the cycle of war between curses and humans, for example… hold on, I feel like this is an interesting opportunity to connect the idea of “truth” to Mahito. Because he’s kinda like “I know more than you, I know how things actually work” with the soul and body theory. Oh… well that’s just a tangential idea I have not developed yet, and I’d have to go back and take a closer look at his character. Anyways, I found this interesting because the “self-immolating desire” is what drives some people’s choices, decision-making, and purpose. And it brings up the question of whether in the long haul, it is a hopeless pursuit.

Ehh, I just came here today to prompt something maybe relatively interesting. You’ve already read the book, so this isn’t anything new to you of course. But I am in dire need of discussion or I might actually combust and never finish the book 🥲🥲

Curious to hear what you have to say,

formerly curious anon but not anon anymore

Amazing, people normally ignore my book recommendations as being too esoteric, and I am delighted to see someone else joining the freakish Vanderfamily.

You've hit on the core challenge the Biologist faces: she wants to be objective, to be impartial, but knows she can't be. She knows no one can be truly impartial or objective - to be sentient, to hold thoughts, feelings, opinions, to have experienced or learned anything is to see the world through a lens or a filter. We might be aware of the lens, its edges, or the way it distorts the light, but we cannot completely remove it.

To live, to exist, to be is to become a subject, an individual, a perspective.

What she's pushing against is Area X's unknowability. Its inherent alienness, its knack for altering and shifting depending on who is looking at it and how they're looking at it. It's a living, breathing manifestation of humanity's epistemic limits and it is horrifying. It is indifferent to us and that is the source of much of the series' psychic horror - that the thing which might destroy us doesn't even know we're there. Or if it does, we're a momentary blip on the radar that is easily forgotten.

It's a confrontation, a fundamental and necessary one from Vandermeer's perspective as the entirety of the Southern Reach series is an exploration of climate change and ecological collapse, and humanity's reaction to it. The government agency responsible for studying and controlling the thing has got nothing, no useful plans, no solid theories; not even metaphors to grasp Area X. They're just doing the same thing over and over again, hoping this time something will be different, this time they'll see, or hear something, or a switch will flick and all will be made clear.

The Biologist, then, is an argument towards acceptance. Accept where your limits are, what you do know and what you cannot know. Try to understand and appreciate things on their own terms, and see yourself in the context of the cosmic whole rather than in our modern notions of isolated individuality. Feelings of nihilism are part of this process, of shedding old meanings and old purposes but only so we can be free to find new meanings and new purposes that make space for the world.

There's a lot to unpack in this book and I am here for any discussion of any length on this series, because I love it with an intensity normally reserved for stars, nebula, and my wife.

Some of what I've talked about makes more sense if you can wrap your head around Timothy Morton's work on hyperobjects. It's pretty dense and borderline-mystical but I'm happy to expound on it at some point if you'd find that helpful.

[pedanticat-scratching-post]

Oscar Pine Herbalist Trip

What If Oscar fell in the Everafter and was confronted by a past version of himself when meeting Herb?

What are you? Are you sure you know? You have to be sure of what you are, and of what you’re going to be. 

These were the words Oscar heard as he suddenly found himself in a seemingly endless dark void that was filled with nothing but the very same billowing smoke that the Herbalist had created. His eyes desperately darted around the surroundings as he tried to find his friends.

“Ruby!” Oscar yelled as he continued to scan the void. “Yang? Hello? Ugh, where the heck are we Oz?”  

I don’t know, but the important thing is to stay calm. We need to-

Whatever Oz was about to say ended up getting interrupted as Oscar found himself coughing as the smoke that he inhaled exited out of him. Though things became even stranger as that very said smoke began to take shape until said shape ended up taking the form of himself. Or at least, a past version of himself that still wore his former farmwear attire with a clone now smiling at him. 

“Wh…what?” Oscar stuttered. “Ho…how is this even possible?” 

“You don’t have to save the world you know,” Past Oscar. “You can go back to being just a simple farmhand.” 

Oscar took a step back in shock. He was already confused over being in yet another strange world, but now he was talking to a past version of himself. This didn’t make any sense. 

“What are you talking about?” Oscar asked. 

“Oh come now,” Past Oscar said as he waved a hand dismissively. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. Going back to your old life. A simpler life. A life where all you had to worry about was tending to the farm.” 

“Why would I want that?” Oscar asked. Though even as the words left his mouth, he knew the actual reason why such a question would be asked. 

“Because you don’t want to lose who you are,” Past Oscar explained. “You don’t have to be yet another person forced into fighting in a never-ending war against an immortal monster. You can just go back to being you. Regular old Oscar Pine. No identity crisis, no torture, just you. Isn’t that what you want? To be just you again?” 

Oscar soaked in the words that he had just heard. It was as if this past version of himself had uttered all the doubts and desires that have weighed on his mind ever since his journey first began all those months ago. Even though he’s been inspired to help protect remnant and to step up as a hero despite the threat of no longer being himself, a part of him still yearned for that simpler time in his life. Back when he was living blissfully ignorant about the greater danger that threatened Remnant. Back when his life wasn’t constantly being threatened and worried about no longer being himself. He was being offered a chance to fulfill a desire that he had still yearned for deep down but accepted that it wasn’t possible. But now it seemingly was possible. And with Ozpin remaining silent, it seemed like this was a choice Ozpin would allow himself to choose with no intervention. 

He wanted nothing more than to accept this offer…but then he thought about everything that has occurred to him since the day Oz entered his life. For all the physical and emotional pain, he’s gone through on this journey, there were a lot of pleasant memories as well. He had grown to become the very hero he had dreamt of being with him making a difference in the world. Gotten a big sister in the form of Nora whose bear crushing hugs always made his days brighter. Formed a brotherly bond with Jaune who had taken him under his wing with the two training together and simply hanging out. And most importantly, gotten to meet Ruby Rose, the most amazing person he’d ever met in his life. She was like the very hero of the very stories he grew up reading and aspired to be with her always lifting him up during all those times he found himself consumed by worry and fear. And he now wanted to desperately do the same for her since he’s been noticing how withdrawn she has been while in the Everafter. Accepting this offer would result in not only losing the chance to help Remnant but also helping the people he’s grown to care about. 

With his fists now clenched, he stared back at his duplicate in defiance. “No. Maybe that life was easier, but it was also a life of complacency where I was neither making a difference in the world nor growing as a person. I am scared about no longer being the same person I once was, but I’m not going to let that fear prevent me from doing what’s right. I’m going to help save both the world and the people that I care about, but not because I’m Ozma or Ozpin, or anyone else. I’m doing it because of who I am, and who I am is Oscar Pine!”  

[team-frightfur]

Imo, Shark vs IV round 1 (where Tron eggs IV on into throwing so he can brainwash Shark) is the peak of Zexal. Great duel, great animation, great characters, great buildup. It also establishes IV as a wet, beat-up, yet rabid and feral kitten. Just the sight of their raggedy fur and watery eyes makes you want to reach out and pet them but, the instant you get close enough, they latch onto your fingers with their teeth and try to kill you.

Shark vs IV round 2, otoh, is pretty bad. It's good in theory, but lacking in execution. Basically, Shark is having an identity crisis over being Nasch vs being Shark, so IV duels him to try and 'bring him back'.

This is actually really good because it makes the duel a redemptive foil to R1. IV was abused but, as Tron's son, was simultaneously deeply dedicated to his abuser. As a result, he was forced to bend himself painfully out of shape to (try and) please Tron. In reality, though, his efforts to please Tron were bad for everyone involved. III, IV, V, and Tron ALL suffered for not standing up to their abuser.

Shark isn't abused, but he IS loyal to his past life's soldiers, kingdom, and the Barian world. OTOH, he also clearly hates the thought of hurting his friends, including IV. As a result, he, too, is bending himself out of shape (and into Nasch). Thus, IV trying to 'bend him back' is his way of thanking Shark.

I love this! In theory! Just a few issues.

First off, IV keeps on talking about friendship. He and Shark are, like, barely friends. They've duelled together Once.

Secondly, it seems like IV lost all his personality traits along with his villainy. This is fair IF you consider his sadism as a coping mechanism (he was lashing out from his father's abuse and trying to feel powerful/in control/ worthwhile) since it would frame his new niceness as healing. Thing is, even if that WAS the case, having IV recover offscreen is extremely underwhelming. Have that shit happen onscreen! Show him struggling with his sadism! Don't Yuri him!

Thirdly, having IV die after failing to reach Shark comes off as more meanspirited than tragic because it wastes IV as a character. This guy had the best duel in all of Zexal, dropped off the face of the earth for 50 eps, came back for (1) tag duel against a Jellyfish Man, and then got killed by Shark. III and V don't even grieve him too heavily, they just pretend to mourn so they can give Yuma a pep talk!

Anyway, Here's Stuff We Needed in Zexal: I Can't Believe They Did IV Like That Edition

1. Shark having his own weird barian flashback dreams of his past as early as Zexal I. This not only matches Rio and foreshadows his past life as Nasch, but also allows the writers to develop his relationship with Dumon, his men, and his kingdom.

2. Rio should have been conscious during her first coma (the one IV caused), causing her to develop an emotional dependence on Shark. Since their parents are dead, Shark is her lifeline. Once he gives up on her, she's finished. This explains why she switches to being Merag so easily. For years, 'I go where Shark goes' has been her reality and she needs to unlearn that.

(I know that Rio is implied to switch to being Merag first but, in canon, she has, like, no reason to do that. Which is weak.)

(If you want to make things even rougher, make Shark's chronic class skipping a result of his trying to support Rio. This makes her feel guilty for 'ruining his high school life', further encouraging her to sacrifice her own 'life' as Rio for him.

3. A joke episode after Rio's second coma (from being possessed by Abyss) where IV turns out to be visiting Rio in secret (but only when Shark isn't around). Shark finds out about this 'mystery visitor' and stakes out Rio's room for three whole days. When the inevitable confrontation happens, IV swears to Shark that he'll protect Rio alongside him, causing the boys to form a Rio Protection Squad. This not only leads nicely into their duel with Jellyfish Man, but also provides an opportunity to develop IV, III and V in a 'normal' setting.

Example: Shark gets into a motorbike accident on the way to the hospital. While Shark is fine, his locket breaks in the crash. IV finds it and has it fixed, returning it to Shark shortly afterwards. Then, to pay IV back since "I hate owing favours" Shark offers to spot IV for something.

(Bonus: this makes Shark's act of throwing away his pendant even stronger as, rather than throwing away his past with his parents (who are dead) he's throwing away his past with a living friend.)

IV proceeds to stare blankly. Years of Middle Child Syndrome, Deranged Revenge Schemes, and Severe Parental Abuse have made a 'normal life' feel foreign to him. As a result, he has no hobbies or preferences (aside from the...sadomasochism).

Cue an annoyed, tired, and weary Shark watching IV wander around an amusement park. Somehow, they end up duelling a clown.

Unbeknownst to them, III and V are both stalking the pair . III is happy to see that IV and Shark made up, while V recognises that, in failing to stand up to Tron, he failed III and IV as a brother (and Tron as a son). You know, the big theme of his duel with Kaito in Zexal I (Where Kaito is like 'It's because I still love my Dad that I have to punch him out of all this villain bullshit' and V is like 'you have such wisdom. I wish it wasn't too late to sock my dad...').

Ultimately, IV reveals that he hates amusement parks, causing Shark to push him into oncoming traffic. As a fight breaks out, III admits to V that he wanted to try out the rides with IV. V smiles and says he'll take them both sometime.

The implication is that IV liked the park but wanted something to hold over Shark, nodding to his social awkwardness, communication issues, and lingering sadistic tendencies.

4. A scene where, after IV dies, we see III and V genuinely grieve.

Example: Recall that III and V spent ages separated from V. Recall that, once V and Tron got them back, they were stuck in an abusive situation. Recall that they only escaped that situation like, 3 months ago. One way to communicate the tragedy of this is to have them flashback to happy moments, but all those happy moments are either from when III and IV are VERY young + the last three months. This visually hammers in the tragedy of the situation. V, in his eyes, wasted his time with IV. III, in his eyes, will never get to have a future with IV. IV, in trying to save Shark from going through the same pain as he went through (being bent out of shape) sacrificed the future with his brothers he was fighting for.

As for time, idk. Just. Cut the Tomato guy or someshit. There's so much useless filler in Zexal. if Zexal had HALF the planning power of Arc V they could EASILY have built up this plot.

Sorry, I just. Needed to rant. IV is my favourite character but he got done SO dirty.

[romana-after-dark]

Ghost of You: Chapter 2

Ellie Miller & Joel Miller

ft. Tommy Miller, Lorenzo and Zach Aleverano

Summary: 16 years after her mom and dad's death, Ellie is finding her place in Jackson, being raised by her Uncle Tommy with the help of her uncle's Lorenzo and Zach. She loves them, but can't help but feel stifled. Soon, she finds out her suspicions were true, and her uncles have been lying to her. Will Ellie learn the truth? Can she trust anyone in this situation?

Takes place after The Wrong Way, but if you havn't read that series (too dark for you, too long, etc) you can read this. Since it's through Ellie's perspective, you can discover the truth alongside her.

DARK FIC! This is a dark!Joel, with canon typical violence and extra on the Joel. Anything discussed or shown in TWW is liable to be discussed here. There will be violence, but no shown sexual violence. Although this Joel is very dark, he is NOT DARK TO ELLIE. None of the things that happened to Ellie's mom are applicable to Ellie, but will be discussed.

Content warnings for entire series, not chapter by chapter unless more is added.

Talk/mentions/discussions of post rape, molestation, torture, violence, branding, forced breeding, major age gap (early 20's to later 40's), death. Child endangerment, major character death, murder, homophobic remarks, minor hate crime, manipulation, identity crisis.

Yeah I wrote two fics in this universe in one day what about it?

*******************

“Where you running off too? Dinner’s almost done.” Tommy called as Ellie tried to sneak out of the house. He was making diner, and it smelled fucking good as his food usually did. Uncle Lorenzo said Tommy used to never cook very well; Lorenzo had to eat a lot of it back in the day, and he much preferred her moms cooking or Zach’s, and Ellie asked if he cooked. Lorenzo dodged the question, saying that when Tommy took Ellie in, he learned how to cook from Zach… he learned how to do a lot of things, actually. June, Maura, Lorenzo, Zach, they all taught Tommy what he needed to know.  

“I’m going to Dina’s for the evening, gotta practice shooting.” Ellie replied, trying to not look at him. If she looked at Uncle Tommy, she’d feel bad and stay, and she did not want to stay.

“Honeybun, I told you you’re uncles are coming over for diner tonight, they miss you.”

“I saw them last week!” And Ellie’d been avoiding them since she found out they lied.

“Ellie, I think you should stay-”

She was out the door.

Tommy was a good dad, but if Ellie had been a worse behaved kid he wouldn’t have stood a chance.

It had been a week since Ellie met Joel- her dad- finding out he was actually alive and the whole story of her upbringing was a lie. The reason she had avoided her family all week. She hadn’t dared sneak out again, afraid of Joel, afraid of confronting everything she wanted to keep to herself.

It was Dina that told her too. It wasn’t that she actually told Dina what happened; she couldn’t, not yet… but Dina was someone whose opinion she trusted, someone she valued. Only telling her that she found out her family had been lying to her and she has the chance to find out the truth but it’s a little dangerous. Ellie told her as long as it wasn’t putting her in immediate danger and she stayed alert, to follow her gut.

Her gut led her here, midnight, same spot, just as Joel told her to do.

“Didn’t think I’d see you again.”

Ellie whipped around, jackknife in hand, prepared. “We didn’t really have a chance to confirm any plans.” She said, slightly sarcastic.

Joel huffed a laugh, but smiled. “I’m happy you’re here, Ellie June.”

Ellie narrowed her eyes at him. “Why do you always call me that?”

“Ellie June?” He asked, taking a careful step forward. It was clear he was trying not to spook her, but the look Joel had on his face was soft, not unlike the way Tommy looked at her… it put her at ease. “Well, that’s your name, isn’t it?”

She lowered her knife. “Well duh, but no one calls me that.”

His smile was wry. “Yeah, Ellie wasn’t exactly what I wanted to name you. I liked June though.”

It was strange, the way that just seemed to make so much sense. Tommy wasn’t supposed to be her dad. This wasn’t supposed to be her life. Ellie wasn’t supposed to be her name…

“What was it supposed to be?” Her voice sounded so small at that moment…

“Dorothy June” Joel replied, then laughed as Ellie scrunched up her face. “Yeah, okay, maybe Dorthy wasn’t the best, but in my defense, we were going to call you Dolly.”

“Then why am I named Ellie?”

“I bet you got a lot of questions, don’t you? Can we take a walk? We can stay close to town”

Ellie considered this. It seemed harmless, but Lorenzo was sure to warn her time and time again that men that seem harmless are often the most dangerous. Still, she felt drawn to him, she wanted to get to know her dad.

“Fine, but you try any shit, I’ll fuck’n shank ya.” Ellie held up the knife.

Seemingly distracted by the knife, for a moment he simply stared at it sadly.

“I don’t doubt you will.”

Whatever questions Ellie had, Joel had an answer.

“Why is my name Ellie if you wanted Dorothy?”

“Well, I wanted Dorothy. After your great-grandma, and your ma didn’t protest. She just wanted June, after your aunt of course. When Tommy found you, she told him she wanted to name you Ellie June, and we take deathbed wishes pretty seriously ‘round here.”

Something stuck as odd to her. “What do you mean when Tommy found me?”

He sighed, hesitating. “I didn’t really wanna talk about this today but… I suppose you’ve been lied to enough. Tommy and I weren’t talking back them. A few months after your mom joined us, I found out Tommy was going behind my back, telling my enemies my business. I kicked him out, and we didn’t talk since.” Joel sounded to sad, so genuinely hurt…

“Uncle Tommy did that?” Ellie questioned, it was so unlike Tommy… but she had learned that everything she know of her uncles, especially Tommy, was up in the air.

“Yeah. It was a real betrayal, I was so fucking angry with him. ‘Shamed to say I hurt him, it might have been worse if your mom didn’t step between us. Refused to move until I let Tommy go.”

Ellie should be shocked and upset that he admitted to hurting her father figure… but Joel seemed to understand the seriousness of his actions, he seemed sorry, and would Tommy, or Lorenzo, or Maria react the same way if someone had done something to threaten Jackson’s security? “She wasn’t scared?”

Joel smiled fondly at the memory of her mom. “No, she knew I would never hurt her.”

They talked for hours, questions and answers, slowly but surely she began to get a picture of the reality of her past, her origins, her family. It was obvious how Joel always tried to paint Tommy is a good light, despite the things Tommy had done… Joel still loved his brother. He asked how he was doing, if his trick knee that got him honorably discharged from the army was hurting him too bad, even asking about Lorenzo. By everything Ellie could tell, Joel cared about the ones she cared about, and cared about her. Around 3 AM, it was Joel that suggested she head home before it got too late.

“Nooo!” She whined; there was still so much more she wanted to know, so much she wanted to tell him… “You’ve been gone my whole life, why can’t we have another hour?”

The saddened look on his face made her regret her word choice, but still he shook his head. “Because I’ve been gone for 16 years, I think it’s only right I get to tell you to go to bed for once.” That sad smile again… “Ima gonna reach into my pocket, don’t stab me or noth’n” he winks playfully, and Ellie can’t help but chuckle just a bit. Joel pulled out two walkie talkies, handing one to Ellie. “I won’t call you, don’t wanna get  you in trouble, but you can call me up if you wanna meet up or someth’n. I don’t wanna be presumptuous or noth’n. Maybe you just wanna ask me a bunch of questions about your mom and then never talk to me again. And that’s fine.” His southern drawl was prominent, thick like Tommy’s gets whenever his emotions are high. “I’ll take whatever I can get. But maybe… maybe you wanna see me, see what I do or…” There’s that nervousness again, evident in the way he shuffled his feet; hand in his pockets and he kicked a rock. “Maybe you miss me. I dunno. But you can call me up. Anytime you need help or have a question. I’ll answer, every time.” He was so earnest in the way he looked at her, like he was desperate for anything…

Ellie tucked the walkie talkie in her coat pocket. “Any time?”

“Any time. Don’t matter.”

Ellie believed him.

That night as she snuck back into bed, Ellie laid down, examining the walkie talkie. She was pretty sure Lorenzo had the same kind… she’d have to make sure she wasn’t on their frequency, but she could also use their charger. Convenient for her. There was really no reason to trust the man she had seen tonight, but she couldn’t help it. Joel was her dad. Not Tommy. Tommy had taken her, Tommy had lied, Tommy continued to lie even as she grew older because he was selfish… She wanted her mom… A mother she never had the chance to meet, to know, only knew through stories her aunts and uncles told her and god, how many of those were even true? None the less, like a child, she wanted her parents. Ellie was hurt, she was lonely and felt the world around her falling apart. She wanted her dad. But instead of Tommy, instead of the man she knew she could wake up right now and he’d hold her, instead of the man she new she could crawl into the safety of his bed in the thunderstorms still scared her, instead of the man she called for just last month when she woke up puking on herself, she looked at her walkie talkie.

Click

“Ellie June, everything alright?”

“Yeah… you said I could call you if I missed you, right?”

For a few weeks, Ellie and Joel continued to meet up, turn more and more into the day time. Dina covered for her a lot, but sometimes she told Joel she was out with Uncle Renzo when she knew he was working fields. Ellie always liked to accompany her uncle during farm work depending what they were doing. Renzo was a talker, so even if Ellie was feeling down or tired for one reason or another, he could carry the conversation. She liked listening to him talk. Right now, however, she was using him as a cover story and only felt a little bit bad about it. Joel continued to answer her questions, but they slowly began to just…. Be. Joel couldn’t spend all his time just talking, so he took her with him hunting or fishing. 

But the more time she spent with Joel, the more time she spent away from Tommy.  Ellie hadn’t sat down with him for a meal in a month, mostly eating with Joel, Dina, or the leftovers Tommy always left for her. She knew she was hurting him, but she didn’t care. He deserved it after everything he did to Joel.

It was well past dark when Ellie walked to her house again, annoyed to see Tommy strumming his guitar on the porch.

“You have fun with Lorenzo?” He asked, looking up and setting his instrument down. He always tried so hard to be present with her, to show he was listening, to not be distracted…

Ellie didn’t want to talk. “Yeah” She skipped up the stairs and tried to open the door, but it was locked.

“That’s funny, because he came home two hours ago and said you hadn’t been with him.”

Fuck.

“Well I was-”

“Actually, he tried to say you were with him, no doubt covering for you. Thing is, you should’ve just told him you needed him to lie, he would’ve.” Tommy crossed his arms over his chest, bundled up in that blue jean jacket of his. “Unfortunately, he stuttered one too many times. Where were you? With a boy?”

Ellie panicked. “Yes.”

Tommy groaned, scrubbing his face with his hands. “Elles, I told you, you’re old enough to have a boyfriend but you can’t be keeping it a secret and you can’t be dating alone, I don’t want you-”

“Yeah yeah yeah!” Her voice grew louder in frustration. “I’m a fucking child that needs to be swaddled at all goddamn times, okay, sure!” Ellie tried to open the door jiggling the handle, but it wouldn’t go.

“Elles, that’s not-”

 She took out her pocket knife, trying to pick the lock. “Or maybe I’m a whore and that’s why you feel the need to lock me up-”

“Ellie! Jesus, I would never call you-”

“GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!” The stupid door wouldn’t unlock, leaving a frustrated Ellie banging on the frame as she tried to unlock it. Why hadn’t uncle Lorenzo taught her this?

“Ellie! Can you just-” But as Tommy reached for her hand in an attempt to still her, he placed his hand on hers at the door handle.

She didn’t mean to. She really, really didn’t. It was just that he touched her hand, the hand holding the knife, and when she jumped back, startled.

“Fuck!” Tommy shouted, holding his bleeding hand. 

Zach and Lorenzo were at their side in second, having heard the shouting. 

“Ellie!” Lorenzo chastised, holding her shoulders and keeping her away from Tommy. Initially, her reaction had been to go to Tommy’s side, she wanted to see how badly he was hurt, tend to his hand, but Lorenzo had pulled her back. She watched in horror with herself as Uncle Zach took off his shirt and wrapped up the cut hand.

Though his teeth were gritted in pain, Tommy was quick to defend her. “It was an accident.”

She felt bad, she did… but if Tommy hadn’t locked her out, hadn’t tried to touch her, none of this would have happened. Ellie felt defensive of herself, the need to shift the blame away from her even though Tommy had absolved it. “You shouldn’t have locked me out!”

Zach threw a look over his shoulder. “Ellie, stop it.” 

She couldn’t stop. Ellie didn’t know why, maybe it was the anger of feeling betrayed by the man she loved so much, maybe it was the pent up frustration of feeling so stuffled, maybe it was all the goddamn hormones everyone around her won’t shut up about, but she was angry at Tommy. “I’m not a child! You don’t get to control me!”

“What is going on with you, Ellie?” Tommy asked through the pain. “You’re gone all hours of the day, you won’t talk to me, this boyfriend doing something to you?”

Ellie hears Lorenzo mutter ‘boyfriend’ confused, but Ellie ignored him. “You always do this! You think I’m not capable of making my own choices, it’s always someone else influencing me-”

Zach spoke over her, Tommy’s blood starting to soak through his shirt. “Ren, take her to our house.” He wouldn’t hear of Tommy’s protests. “You two can deal with this in the morning, but I'm never gonna stop this bleeding if you don’t get your heartrate down.”

Lorenzo practically dragged Ellie to the guest room in their house, instructing her to go to bed. Ellie had clothes, a toothbrush, pads, everything she might need at her uncles and before the revelation of everyone lying, she used to stay over sometimes. Ellie laid down after getting ready, images swirling in her head of Tommy bleeding. Had she really done that? It had been an accident, a result from moving the hand holding the knife too fast, never meant to do anything to him, but he scared her.

Since when did her uncle scare her? Why had she jumped like that? After what Joel had told him, about him being a raider, him taking her from Joel, betraying Joel… why was she so scared of Tommy who had never so much as raised his voice at her.

A knock.

“Who is it?”

“You’re favorite uncle”

A sigh. “Come in.”

Lorenzo leaned in the doorway, looking her over. His arms were crossed but not in the upset way Tommy’s had been. “Boyfriend, huh?” He didn’t seem convinced.

“Uhhhh yep.”

“Hm. You gonna tell me who it is?”

“Uhhhh. No?”

“Hm. Well, my loving but annoying husband wanted to ask you if that boyfriend is mess’n with you or something. That why you been acting so weird?”

Ellie groans loudly, flopping on the bed. “Noooooooo.”

“Yeeeahhhh didn’t think so, kid. I told ‘em you’re probably just figuring some shit out. I remember being 16 and they should too. Tommy’s old, but he ain’t that goddman old.”

She turns over, facing the wall. There’s a long silence before you ask him to go away.

It was Lorenzo’s turn to sigh. “Okay. You can talk to me, you know that, right?”

Ellie didn’t answer him.

It was the next morning that was the hardest part. She knew she’d have to face Tommy. 

When Ellie walked in the doorway, Tommy was sitting at the table; honeybuns laid out for her. “I’ll leave yuh be in a minute. Can we talk about last night?”

It was clear Tommy was hiding his bandaged hand under the table so as not to upset her. “It was an accident.”

“I know.” He conforms quickly. “I know Ellie. I meant the other-”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” She was still angry. She hated this, the fury she felt, the anger, the rage at what Tommy had done to her dad, the life she had robbed from her.

He simply nodded. He was so understanding it was infuriating. “Okay. Listen, whoever it is you’re seeing, you can see, but it's gotta be in public or at our house. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to-”

“Fine, whatever.” Ellie stormed off to her room. She pick up extra patrol shifts, something that Tommy could verify but not know where she was and sneak off with Joel that way, she could start back with meeting up at night, whatever it was she was going to keep seeing Joel, and she told him as much that night when they met up, Ellie explaining the situation with Tommy and what had happen.

So there it was for a few months, Ellie sneaking off in pockets of time, mostly ignoring Tommy but occasionally spending time with Renzo and Zach. Every few weeks or so Aunt June and Aunt Maura visited, and Ellie tried to spend time with them. She wasn’t as angry with them as she was with her uncles, and she wasn’t as angry with Lorenzo and Zach as she was Tommy. To her, it was Tommy’s fault, Tommy was the catalyst, Tommy was the one she wanted to punish… even if it hurt. She’d be lying if she said she didn’t miss him.

But Ellie was making up for lost time with her dad.

“Yuh know.” Joel started as they were fishing one day. “I was think’n. I’m getting older, I ain’t gonna be able to do what I do forever, I need someone I can trust to take over… I can’t have just anyone, it’s a lot of power, and you know what they say, with great power comes great- you know what, you’re not gonna get that joke. Anyway, what I’m saying is…” Joel took a deep breath, look at Ellie seriously. “I wanna start showing you the ropes of what I do. There’s no pressure to take anything over if you decide it ain’t for you, but you’re a smart kid with a good heart. I think you’d be able to take care of the people like I hope I do.”

Ellie was flabbergasted. She had taken an interest in Joel’s work, yes, but she had never expected this… never expected Joel to feel she was worthy of his work he clearly cared so much about. “Yes!” There was no second thought to her next action. Ellie hugged him.

Joel paused for a moment, probably shocked at the sudden physical affection, but quickly wrapped him arms around her. “I’m very proud of who you've become, Ellie June. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to watch it happen, but I am so, so proud of you.”

************

Not a super eventful chapter, I know, but after examining the time line I decided this is the best course of action. We'll have 6 chapters over all, getting progressively more eventful. I just wanted to show how Joel is slowly replacing Tommy.

Anyway, I think thats all i gotta say! Oh! except hellooooooo to this anon I will continue to not have a single new idea nor will i be proof reading, so eat my ass about it <3

Remember, reblogs are the only way this gets spread and while likes are lovely, they don't help it come to other people unlike other social media. Comments keep me writing and mean the entire world to me.

Comment to be added to the tag list!

@maura-honey @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction @the-fox-den @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @koshkaj-blog @primosworld @miraclesabound @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin

[phoenix-is-the-hottest-thing]

This scene from ch38 is both really cute and really ominous so I'm glad it's easily available now... Some analysis below the cut, don't read if you're not up to date with it. No leaks talk.

I'm reminded of that mantra Seele was repeating in the future vision about Seele living a life of sunshine and flowers in the future. There's SOMETHING here with both Vita and Seele talking about this that tickles my brain...

Seele's point is a promise of future eternal happiness like a fairy tale, while Vita seems to assume someone kind like Seele could only have grown up in a "paradise" just like Salt Snow.

Both wish on Seele a perfect world where a kind soul can thrive without being taken advantage of or hurt... and neither of these are realistic or acknowledge that you have to become and stay kind in spite of the world.

The player knows Vita is wrong because we've seen the kind of hell Seele went through, she's even gotten kidnapped by child traffickers before. As sweet as she sounded, Vita assumed Seele was born in a paradisaical place because she thinks Seele is sheltered.

Not quite looking down on her, but not seeing Seele as a warrior who has Been Through It, assuming things like "she must be scared" because "she must come from a paradise where she has never experienced a crisis". I don't think her intentions with the hug are condescending, but they betray what she's really thinking of Seele at this moment: that Seele is a kind child born in a privileged and sheltered place who hasn't been confronted with reality yet.

Vita does not believe a harsh world can produce kind people.

And this? This combined with Vita's perception of Salt Snow as a paradise full of innocent people that let her experience innocent things too? I think this scene is meant to imply Vita isn't as nice as she seems. Perhaps she wants to be, she expresses a wish to protect her current "innocent" way of life... but...

From Vita's perspective, saving her home is simply something that has never happened before, regardless of whether she means Venus or any bubble she might've tried to settle into. Considering she's still survived this entire time with no companion that we can see, whether or not she's saying the whole truth about her identity and abilities (which she probably isn't), she must have done countless unsavory things to survive, whether it's leaving everyone else behind to run away on a spaceship alone (yeah I don't believe one second she just happened to be doing maintenance) or worse.

Earlier on Vita notes that she's also participating for her own selfish reasons: she feels happy here. What she truly wants to protect, she says, isn't just "paradise", but also "what paradise makes her feel", and that's why she basically calls herself selfish. Additionally, she does want to help and fight back, but I really don't think she believes they'll succeed, hence Seele picking up on this and trying to comfort her with confidence.

She says she's used to working for days at a time to survive, while in Salt Snow she just never had to do that. Crisis mode is her usual. Meanwhile, in Salt Snow, she never even got a career from Prometheus, so who knows what she was even doing all day? It's is a peaceful place that demanded nothing of her besides giving back the kindness she received. Her favorite place in thousands and thousands of years...

Vita assumed a peaceful home was why Seele is the way she is, because Vita was projecting the perceived "innocence" of the people of Salt Snow, who are protected from even death by supernatural forces, on Seele.

Surely, such a kind person, who accepts the burden of a world and people foreign to her, can only be an angel, can only have been born and raised in paradise.

Normal people aren't like this.

Her cynicism is hidden underneath and I think that's part of why she has such an odd and anxious reaction to Seele basically saying she's completely wrong and that she's not so naive... that people in the Origin world came together to protect one another and overcame a crisis... that believing in a solution has worked before, and even left Seele with a positive outlook rather than disillusioned.

To that, she feels conflicted. She doesn't know whether to be uneasy or nostalgic. Is this optimism something she used to have and lost? Or could Vita think that Seele will inevitably be broken down by a failure to save the world?

Seele is living proof that anyone can choose to be kind even when they've been through hell, even if she barely talks about it here, we as the player know about it. Hell, Seele's girlfriends both have a past of violence, and both of them have mellowed out because of her kindness rubbing off on them.

Consequently, considering the mixed uneasy and nostalgic feeling the optimism provokes in her, this means that either Vita can hardly believe in this concept, or she used to and may even think Seele hasn't been broken yet.

Either way, she doesn't seem to even want to think about it, so I can only give it a vague guess.

Considering this worldview however, if Seele is "real", then whenever Vita didn't choose to be kind, it was her own decision that she must take responsibility for, without hiding behind a harsh past or circumstances. I wonder if that's something on her mind...

Vita thinking about an ominous "fate" could also betray that she currently doesn't believe she can choose to be genuinely optimistic and kind and survive it, beyond the act she pulls in Salt Snow as part of blending in with the locals. Perhaps she thinks kindness itself is a fairy tale, and that she can only indulge in it as long as the fairy tale is preserved, that doing otherwise is a pipe dream because she'd just get eaten alive. You need "strength" to be kind and not also taken advantage of, if she's spent a long time largely in a position of weakness for any reason, it's no wonder that'd she'd get hit with a little learned helplessness.

Regardless of the truth of the matter, she readily admits that she's capable of working three days and three nights in a row because it's normal for her, she was the only survivor of multiple worlds, and I don't think it was pure luck that she'd manage to escape all alone on a spaceship.

I think she probably left alone on purpose and abandoned everyone else.

I think Vita's belief that only paradise can birth kind girls strongly implies that she believes she isn't one.

[tornrose24]

I’m starting to notice that the second season of The Ghost and Molly Mcgee has a theme of one’s identity in regards to the characters, especially after the recent episode.

We’ve seen it in the secondary characters so far:

 We had Darryl upset over the idea of no one loving him for who he is after becoming a wraith and seeing how people initially responded more positively toward his soulless body. Preferring him as someone who is well behaved over constantly getting in trouble. Luckily he was able to learn that others thought it was concerning that he wasn’t acting like himself and that they didn’t want to see his spirit broken.

Then we have Ollie, who was told his whole life that ghosts are bad by his parents. However he learned that that is not the case with all ghosts–especially when the girl he likes is friends with one. In the video store episode, it does cause him a lot of built up issues in addition to guilt, and he felt that he couldn’t be a part of Molly’s group. However, the experience made him relate to Blair and in the end he was the one to help her confront her trauma by finally addressing his, which included how he was raised.

Now if the imdb website is accurate, we might also see a bit of that with Libby in regards to her father, but we’ve seen her having to mature both figurative and literally. Both when her mother decides to trust her to run the bookstore–and being able to prove that she can handle it and able to handle the ghost of the week in the end–and when her first time of the month occurs. I’d say of all the examples, she’s been the best at handling it.

I also suppose–in a very minor case–there’s Andrea discovering she has a talent for things like coding, and how it can be used, but also needing to be mindful that her choices can effect the community for good or for bad.

But now we get to our two main characters:

For Molly she’s at that point in her life where she feels pressure regarding the need to grow up and not feeling mature enough. When Andrea and Libby turn out to be having periods and she hasn’t yet, there’s that feeling of being left out and still feeling like a child. However the episode made it clear that she wasn’t too eager to grow up right away, given that she didn’t want to give up things that she liked, and that included her beloved plushies, which she felt like she had to bury. The plushies become more important as it’s shown in ‘100 percent Molly McGee’ that they are a major source of comfort when she’s especially upset or depressed. So it becomes clear that she felt like she HAD to give up a part of herself in order to fit in. Thankfully she gets reassurance that she will mature at her own pace, and it’s shown that we can be ‘mature’ but still enjoy the things we’ve loved our whole lives.

‘100 percent Molly Mcgee’ is a major one regarding Molly’s identity crisis, though its more regarding her own culture and heritage. She feels like she’s not Thai enough for not being fluent in the language, not being able to handle certain foods, or not being familiar with a game. And despite her efforts its just not enough, which leads to her breakdown. Judging by certain reactions, there’s been many veiwers that relate to how she feels–to be much of one side, but not be enough of the other, for one reason or another. However Sharon and the family assures her that they too struggle with not being Thai enough in their own ways, and help give her the confidence to feel that she is wholly herself.

I think we also might be addressing Molly as a wraith if a future episode title (The ghost of Molly McGee) is accurate, and I do think that bears addressing. Molly’s positivity makes her for a one of a kind ghost with powers that go completely against what is expected in the ghost world. The flow of failed phantoms was completely undone by her power AND she was able to kill the Chairman with one touch of the finger. And I think that experience was why she confidently told Ollie that she wanted to be a ghost who spreads joy, meaning she already made plans for her afterlife when it’s officially time to pass on. But her being so unique and powerful could also put a HUGE target on her back–not only she she dangerous, but if anyone wanted to ursurp Scratch’s position and take him out, they’d have to get her out of the way first since she made it clear ow protective she is of him.

Now we get to Scratch….

His identity when he was a human is the show’s largest mystery and not even he is aware of what his past was. In fact it’s shown that he’s afraid to confront it. The only thing we have so far is a memory of a childhood friend.

(I should also note that he’s own design is pretty unique among most ghosts. While most of them have a specific body shape, he looks more like a floating head with arms, which further limits any ideas as to what he looked like when he was alive. (Some ghosts have had a similar style, but Scratch especially stands out regarding this). His own name sounds more like a nickname compared to the other ghosts.)

Meanwhile while his role within the McGee family is now established, he’s been given the role of Chairman in the Ghost World–a role that he didn’t even want and was basically forced into. While it does give him some powers, it doesn’t always work when it comes to certain ghosts (the bookstore and the videostore episodes are such examples). However after the lessons he learned in season one, he’s in a better position as a leader compared to when he thought taking advantage of others was a good idea. Still its clear that he would rather be with the McGees, and I get the sense that the council may of had sinister reasons for forcing Scratch into the chairman role.

In ‘100 percent Molly McGee’ he was struggling to relate to Molly and trying to help her, and the line “I know this identity stuff can be really confusing and really personal” seemed like the closest he could be to being relatable. This is given his own struggles with his identity, and perhaps that his own lack of memories might keep him from being fully ghost. (On a side note, I found it sweet that he showed a huge interest in Molly’s heritage. He apparently helped her out with her family tree project in addition to helping her in the song montage).

However the videostore episode brought back the idea of the corrupted ghost–a being with unfinished business who is unable to move on. This brought back the theory of Scratch being corrupted and there’s the possibility that if he becomes obsessed with uncovering his past–or discovers something that had gone unresolved when he was alive–then that fate COULD happen to him if he’s not careful.

(There’s also the wraith theory, but we aren’t at a point where neither that or the corrupted theory is true, so I can’t use that here).

Season 2 isn’t anywhere near the half mark at this point, so there’s not a whole lot else regarding Scratch. Besides uncovering his past, it’s hard to tell what direction the show will go with him.

[sollattes]

Some poly todoroki faction heacanons<3

-First off tsuji and Shiba were dating way before todoroki entered their lives

-it was a love at first punch(or kick?)

-when todoroki was realising his feeling for the two, MY GUY WAS HAVING AN IDENTITY AND SEXUAL CRISIS AT THE SAME TIME(a very very angsty part of dororki's life) so he avoided them :)

-they're confession towards each other was... interesting

-it was a frustrated and confused confession like I mean shouting at each other in the rain for dramatics (unfortunately, no, their confession did not happen in the rain 😔)

-there confession happened after a fight, so all three of them were tired, on edge, and the tensions were high

-todoroki was about to leave after silently making sure the two was okay but he was stopped by tsuji was the one who was fed up and asked todoroki what was his problem after a 3 week long of avoiding them, Shiba wanted to stop his boyfriend but ended up just letting him be since he too was confused and frustrated on why the hell their captain was avoiding them, they were supposed to be a team right? He can't just leave them after proving how loyal they were to him, No. Absolutely not

-todoroki was going to ignore all the words that tsuji was shouting, he didn't have the energy to confront them yet, not now, not here, but one sentence made him stop on his tracks

"You really are a coward yosuke"

-it was the first time that either tsuji or Shiba called him by his first name...

-okay moving on ! We'll leave it at that or this will turn into a full blown fic

-in the early stages the relationship todoroki was still confused and how the whole "polyamorous relationship" work, so he ended up staying up all night doing research about like it's a fucking thesis 💀

-the other two didn't really have a hard time accepting it they just kinda knew it all along I guess

-older Shiba knew way before her brother could even tell her and treated todoroki as if he were there all along

-now let's make something clear...PROTECTIVE OF EACH OTHER ASF

-Tsuji and Shiba are more outspoken about them being protective over each other and todoroki mean while todoroki is more quiet and just watching on the side ready to fight for his boyfriends

-Todoroki was always in the hospital taking care of the two when they got beaten up by ebara

-doroki also still gets nightmares from it from time to time

-though the two was pretty upset but mostly worried that doroki went to ebara all alone like what if he got beaten up instead?

-it's not like they dont believe in their boyfriend, I mean he is their captain for a reason but still he is still their boyfriend

-also just because doroki is the captain it doesn't mean that the two cannot spoil and pamper him cause im pretty sure he is the baby girl in the relationship

-TODOROKI BABY GIRL AGENDA✊🏻✊🏻✊🏻

-also HAIRSTYLES

-everytime doroki would mention that he finds a hairstyle or haircolor attractive, you better believe that the other two would go to school, would the said hairstyle or haircolor

-one time, doroki absentmindedly said he finds someone with their hair slicked back attractive, and tsuji went to school with his hair slicked back even though he just had his braids yesterday

-doroki complimented shiba's ginger hair once, and it stayed ginger for a whole 7 months(which is probably the longest since I'm pretty sure these two change their hair every 3-5 months)

-they change their hair pretty often, so you can just picture doroki. It would probably help them

-NO WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE THATS JUST DOMESTIC DBWKSVEOAFNOA

-like todoroki helping Shiba color the places he can't reach then helping tsuji braid his hair while waiting for Shiba's hair then helping Shiba wash the color out then drying his hair(HROWHDORWP THEY R SO WTAF I DONT WANT THIS ANYMORE)

-now music, tsuji and Shiba probably listens to like a lot of hip hop/rock or indie rock music while doroki is just plain by listening to opera and classical music

-MANDATORY WEEKLY DATES AT THE MUSIC SHOP

-while, the two are banging their head to nirvana. doroki is listening to the waltz of the flowers

-Shiba is always the one accompanying doroki to the book store, he always enjoys the way doroki lights up every time he sees the book he wanted to buy still there and on sale, and its worth the thousands of yawn that Shiba made since they stepped into the store

-all if three of them have things in each other houses so, ever so randomly, tsuji might just show up in of todoroki or shiba's jacket and vice versa

-tsuji and Shiba purposely hides todoroki's things so he can use theirs ;

Exhibit a:

-them hiding todoroki's body wash so he can use theirs and smell like them

Exhibit b:

-them not washing doroki's spare clothes claiming that they 'forgot' to wash them to see todoroki in their clothes

-the list goes on, and todoroki just pretends to not know since he secretly enjoys it too

-todoroki has a 12 step skin care every Friday night and the two always sleeps through it

-weekend movie nights are a must !!

-todoroki (will always)prefers mystery thriller horror movies than gory the ones, and is secretly a sucker fantasy adventure movies(primarily lord of the rings and Harry Potter, his gay awakening is legolas and Bill weasley), and ofc he made tsuji and Shiba binge watch the whole hp and lotr franchise

-tsuji is kinda stereotypical he likes action but prefers it to be action comedy, and he is the one that prefers gory horror movies, todo and Shiba always lowkey dread every time it's tsuji turn to pick a movie since one time he made them watch the whole saw franchise in one straight weekend and Shiba cried in the bathroom

-SHIBA IS THE ROMCOM CHICK FLICK LOVER. He made todo and tsuji watch all the Amanda bynes and linsey lohan movies( todo secretly likes she's the man but will never tell a single soul)

-the three of them of them watched twilight for shits and giggles but lowkey got into it, tsuji is team edward and shiba is team jacob, todo is neutral and hates Bella and her stupidity so much that he almost lost his calm, disinterested composure

-todo already watched Hunger Games, but still he watched it with the two, and now he can't stop them from doing them. "I VOLUNTEER, I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE" joke

(lowkey wanna to make a separate hcs for these three movie nights)

-todoroki is like lowkey rich so he is the one that sponsors the two's hair adventure and hospital bills

-shiba knows all of the sannoh gossip and always has a late night gossip session with his boyfriend

-shiba is the biggest out three, so he always loves to be the big spoon, though from time to time, tsuji would always force(lovingly) him to be the small spoon

[tarnishedxknight]

FFXII Week ~ Day 4 Prompt: "I won my freedom. Yet my past has been cut away forever."

{out of dalmasca} Disclaimer: This post may include canon-divergent interpretations of canon characters, info about OCs featured on this blog, and AUs that may not align with the canon plot/characters of FFXII and/or may contain triggering material.

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This quote was spoken to Mjrn by Fran, but its concept can be applied to several other characters in FFXII. It plays into a common and prominent theme of the game, that of one's identity, and how it can be related to or affected by one's past. Let's discuss how some characters have found freedom, whether long-term or temporary, total or personal, by cutting ties with their past and thus, their former identities.

Fran

Fran left the Wood and gained freedom to go anywhere she wished, but lost her people and culture in the process. She was forced to cut ties with her former life, and we're never fully told the reason why. Either she was forced out for a significant reason, or she had strong personal reasons for wanting to leave. Returning briefly with Ashe & Co. as part of their journey to help Ashe reclaim her throne, Fran is confronted with a crisis involving her sister, Mjrn. When Mjrn expresses a desire to also leave the Wood permanently and to go with Fran, Fran responds with:

"I have discarded Wood and village. I won my freedom. Yet my past has been cut away forever. No longer can my ears hear the Green Word. This solitude, you want, Mjrn?"

It is clear that, since she doesn't decide to stay (even if she would have been permitted to), Fran still stands by her decision to leave. However, it is just as clear that there are regrets that come along with that decision, and that sacrifices had to be made for her to leave the Wood and her people.

Balthier

Leaving his father and Archadia, Balthier gained the freedom to decide his own profession and destiny in life, but had to change his name and break from his family to do it. His was perhaps the most striking freedom of all, becoming a sky pirate and taking to the skies in an airship, bound for wonders and treasures and adventure. That he loves that sort of life and has willingly chosen it is clear to see, but the shadow of his father and his former life in Archadia follows him wherever he goes. Such a clean break from his former life would not have been possible without cutting ties to family, title, and name, but it also left unfinished business behind. Despite being the picture of a free individual, Balthier couldn't truly find his own until his ties to the past had been completely severed.

Ashelia

As the princess of a patriarchal nation that has never had a queen before, Ashelia's life had been mapped out for her as a young child. She was told what she could and could not do, where she could and could not go, who she was going to marry, and how she ought to behave. The reality of her situation (time for some of my own headcanons here, heh) was that, had she remained married to Rasler, she would have become his Queen Consort and gone to live in Nabradia, not become the Queen of Dalmasca.

Ashelia was never really an heir to the throne of Dalmasca, not culturally speaking, because one of her eight brothers was supposed to be. Dalmasca had only ever had kings, after all. Raminas' long-term plan was to join his kingdom to Nabradia, and by marrying Ashe to Rasler, ensure that Nabradia would govern Dalmasca as well after his death, with Rasler one day essentially becoming king of both kingdoms. This was something she was not aware of, mostly because Raminas danced around the subject with her, because he knew she would be incensed and heartbroken to find it out. Being left as Raminas' only child and the only one who could possibly have the right to take the throne after he too was gone, Ashelia found herself in a position to become Queen that she was never meant to be in. But because she didn't know that, she carried on as if, yes, she was the true heir.

However, that life, and her life as Queen of Dalmasca after the end of the game, means a continued stifling of her freedom. Even with her being the last living heir to throne and then eventually sitting on it, her life would still be very sheltered, regimented, and controlled by her counsel, her duties, her station, etc. As Penelo states in her letter:

"Ashe's coronation is next month. She grows farther and farther away from us... but I guess that's how it has to be. She is queen now, after all."

The really sad thing about all of this is... she had more personal freedom, agency, and anonymity as “Amalia” than she ever did as a princess or that she does as a queen, and that was because she was thought to be dead and was no longer known as royalty. The more of her true identity and past she regained and reconnected with, the more freedom she lost. Being royalty is a double-edged sword, after all. One has wealth, privilege, and everything they could ask for materially speaking, but one lacks personal freedom, privacy, and ability to express their own personality outside of what is seen as proper or expected of them.

Larsa

Larsa experiences a brief bout of his own grasp of personal freedom for a time by giving Gabranth the slip and becoming “Lamont.” However, like Ashelia, he had to give up his royal identity to do it or else he would immediately lose that freedom. Granted, his alias and fake identity were seen through fairly quickly, but for a short while, by temporarily erasing his past as a Lordling of Archadia, Larsa was able to travel and do whatever he wanted. That was sadly probably more freedom he'd ever had in the whole of his young life up to that point.

Basch

Basch escaped the devastation of Landis, rejected the empire that destroyed her, and was able to make a new life for himself in Dalmasca, but had to abandon his family and lose his identity as a twin to do it. Perhaps childish arrogance, anger, or grief forced Basch to break away and reject Archadia's extension of help to the refugees of Landis, but regardless of the reason, he was able to build a new life for himself, and a happy one at that, until he was framed for his king's murder. The cost of that, though, was that he left behind his twin brother and mother. That part of his identity stayed buried until Noah forced him to acknowledge it openly by framing him, but by then it was too late.

Being framed earned Basch the hatred and scandal of the general public's judgement of him, making him a despised figure throughout all of Ivalice. When he impersonates a deceased Noah at the end of the game, he frees himself from that ruined reputation of his former life. He can never go back to being Basch, or a knight, or Dalmascan. There is freedom to be found in that, for now he is no longer hated for killing King Raminas and has a new life to live, a clean slate for himself if you will, but the cost was staggering. He lost not only his past but his entire identity in the process.

Noah

Noah/Gabranth joined the empire that destroyed his homeland, rose through the ranks, changed his name, and built a new life for himself, but he had to reject his Landisian side and the brother he’d been so close to in order to do it. Landis is gone, he always says, and that is as much as acknowledge fact as it is him telling himself that he's done with his former homeland. Archadia becomes his home, his mother's maiden surname of Gabranth becomes his own, and he leaves behind the person he once was. It's a kind of freedom and personal agency he gains by doing this, but he also loses his identity as a twin, a Ronsenburg, and a Landisian. Although that seems to not bother him at all, statements like, "I've no right to be called by that name," when referring to his given name of "Noah" remind us that he does hold some affection, nostalgia, or love for his former life and family, whether he wants to admit it openly or to himself or not. He builds himself up into something grand in Archadia, but the cost is that he can never go back to who he was before.

Caelen

My FFXII OC, Caelen B'Nargin Dalmasca, one of Ashelia's brothers, was thought to have died with all the rest. It was thought that he'd fallen in battle, but his body was never recovered. That's because, after being wounded and mistaken for a fallen Archadian, he was taken to the Imperial City of Archades. Deciding to use this unfortunate mixup as an opportunity to leave his old life, Caelen disappeared into Old Archades, where he eventually became a blacksmith. He didn't want to be King of Dalmasca someday, or fight in the war, or anything like that. He was a peaceful, gentle sort who only wanted a quiet, simple, and pacifistic life. Unfortunately, he was never going to be permitted to have that as a Prince of Dalmasca. Cutting ties with his old life forever, Caelen certainly won his freedom, but he could never go back, and he could never tell anyone who he really was ever again.

Concluding Thoughts

This quote and its meaning also ties in with the idea of cages from the quote from the Day 3 prompt: "Even caged birds need wings." We are placed in, or we place ourselves in, many different types of cages as we move through life. We become bound by our words and actions which become our reputations. Attached to us and our identities, we can never be free of them... unless we cut ties with the past. Perhaps there is freedom to be found in that, an escape from those cages we've spent a lifetime creating or having built around us, but the consequence is that, to truly be free of them, we have to leave everything behind and start again. Sometimes that's what's necessary, or it's the lesser of two evils. But sometimes, the cost is great, and we have to ask ourselves: which are we more frightened of, being trapped in cages forever, or losing sight who we are?

[maybemanyskeletonhats]

Cool! Just wanted to make sure they were open before tossing a request your way.

Anyways, might I request the Tribunal + Voryn Dagoth with a Nerevarine lover? More specifically, one who slowly starts to remember their previous life as Nerevar and, is not only sort of having an identity crisis, but also feels hurt and betrayed at what happened between them at Red Mountain, along with having to kill Voryn.

Sil's is more of a past life romance. hero can be implied to be a lover from the first era, or perhaps it's Nerevar he was in love with.

Sotha Sil felt his heart clench painfully in his chest. Not only do they look like them, but they are also the reincarnation of his fallen friend. In between his work, he'll peek into the Mundas. Every time he saw them they displayed more and more traits similar to Nerevar. Leaving them distressed and confused. He would have comforted them and reminded them that they would be okay. Yet his end approached, leaving him without options. He just wished he could apologize to their face.

Vivec can feel his own despair bubbling in his chest. He already had to come to terms with the fact it was infact Nerevar incarnate. Now they knew of the truth and it hurt. He's quiet, even as they scream and sob at him. A deep frown is pulling at his lips, his eyes growing misty. Why can't he feel anything?

Almalexia felt an immeasurable amount of fear. Would they take their revenge? Would they hurt her? Her eyes no longer saw this nerevarine as an adventurer but as her husband standing in another's skin. She knew the Daedra were cruel, but she had no idea they would... remember. It was no longer just business this was family. She's not sure if it's because she's being confronted with her broken oath, or being faced with the incarnate of the man she murdered. Almalexia feels afraid.

Dagoth Ur catches glimpses of them between dreams. Yet he never meets them till they come to finish what they started. It's him, he can tell but yet he can't explain how. He doesn't say anything till they approach him tentatively. "Voryn?" He's not sure why, but he nods, even though he no longer goes by that name. They stare with tears on their lash line. and he's reminded that it is Nerevar. He's resolute in what he wants to ask. Just three questions. Yet none about him and their relationship. They seem to know this, and the silence is broken by weeping. he doesn't understand, why are they crying?