#that this is a response to worrying

[ghostjelliess]

Over-accountability of ma-self:

I've been struggling lately with this. I want to follow more accounts, so I can interact even though I'm anxious about it. But to follow an account, I have to make sure I relate—that I vet everyone by my morals OR by the necessary challenge to them (I don't like the echo-chamber approach).

I'm running into a few problems:

1. I don't know how to find people anymore.

Hashtags don't work like they used to, it's hard to find the right communities because Tumblr is pushing the follow tags, and mass-following seems weird. I have too many niches/interests, maybe?

2. I did this all once.

I used to run a popular-ish account (24k+), we archived it in 2019. I'm hesitant to say traumatized, lest my actual traumas get jealous and raise their ugly heads to compete, but back then it became... not fun.

3. I don't know if this is fun or not.

Is this what is fun on the Internet now? It just feels lonely. Is that the silence of the void between stars talking or just me...?

Anyway, I'm just going to follow a bunch of blogs and see what happens now. I'm supposed to be practicing participation instead of just lurking, but so far I've just been practicing the practicing part (as in, I open the apps to practice participation and connection and interaction, and then I get overwhelmed and anxious and bored and just lurk, and then leave having practiced exactly 0 things).

Here goes, I guess.....

[inverse-problem]

a robot walks in with pixelated kiss marks all over its display screen saying “you should see the other bot” so you go look and there’s just a pile of crushed metal and shattered plastic and torn wires

[pvtpunsart]

evil donnie doodle because i gotta

[shepscapades]

[Set in Mid-Late Hermitcraft Season 8]

In which we learn a little something about Cub, a little something about Doc, and a little something about Xisuma.

[limbcom]

im gonna throw up shes the sweetest ever oh my god

[read-alert]

Also obviously Interview with the Vampire by Anne Rice, but that goes without saying. I'd love to hear recs anyone else has though!

Delicious Monsters by Liselle Sambury

Fledgling by Octavia Butler

A Dowry of Blood by ST Gibson

When No One is Watching by Alyssa Cole

The Monster of Elendhaven by Jennifer Giesbrecht

Sorrowland by Rivers Solomon

Carmilla by J Sheridan Le Fanu

House of Leaves by Mark Z Danielewski

Slay: Stories of the Vampire Noire edited by Nicole Givens Kurtz

[joyfulhottubfuntik]

A big part of Ford's characterization that is very important to me is that, no matter what and no matter what time period we're talking about, if Stan was ever in any serious danger and Ford found out about it, he would do anything to help. Yes, even at his angriest and even when he was saying and thinking the meanest stuff about his brother. Because in all the instances of Stan being in danger and Ford knowing about it that we see (like the dream from j3 and the comic about comic books), helping his brother is not even something that Ford contemplates or thinks about at all. Add to that the way his first reason not to ask Stan for help with the journal (as stated in tbob) is worry that it would put Stan in danger (even if it was expressed in what was probably the meanest and most condescending way possible). And of course also Stan being one of the three people Ford would sacrifice the entire universe for.

Imo for him the question is "why is my brother such an immature dumbass who gets himself into trouble all the time" but never "why do I have to help him out ". And it doesn't matter if the answer to the second one is eventually something along the lines of "because he's my brother and I love him", because I think it's out of character to even ask it, as to him the answer is that obvious. If Stan's in danger then he will save him, because of course he will (and because he doesn't have to even think to know that he'd always rather have the most annoying brother in the world who he's not even on speaking terms with than not have a brother at all)

[blondeaxolotl]

How long until Jamil stops daydreaming and notices the giant gay ass eel staring directly at him with love in his eyes

[0vergrowngraveyard]

Well now I gotta know how Sonic does during Forces when he’s got a baby bro back home waiting for him. (I also need to ask if Baby Tails was there when Sonic was defeated or if he was spared witnessing his big bro get his butt whooped.)

oh y’know

i would’ve made this angsty but decided to be nice instead

anyway no tails was not there when sonic was defeated. amy was babysitting him

[teaboot]

if ur a murderbot nerd now do u have any fun opinions abt it yet?

Oh my goddd you have no idea

I really, really, really like Murderbot because it comes at life with this perspective we don't often see that is very real among people who have already been through traumatic experiences, who developed skills and abilities to suvive that were once useful but no longer have context- that search that traumatized people go through to recalibrate and reorient ourselves in a world where we no longer really need those things to survive.

A bit personal here, but my own issues personally involved a lot of psychological abuse that made it difficult to trust my own perceptions of reality, and as a result I found I was very easy to lie to and manipulate.

To handle this, I became obsessive over writing things down, cataloging details and making notes of things as they happened- I'd carry recording devices and make audio recordings and stay up late at night to transcribe what they'd picked up, read those over and over again to reassure myself of things I wasn't certain about.

While doing this, there were others close to me that I felt responsible for, who I had to protect from others and protect myself from at the same time. Life was about two things: Evidence, and defusing threats

Over time, I learned to trust myself as my memories matched what had been recorded where their narrative didn't, but I never really kicked the habit. Like Murderbot, I had added something to my own programming that reassured me I was safe, that I was in control of myself, that I couldn't be mistaken or crazy or broken or used.

I'm only on book two, but already I see myself in Murderbot again. No spoilers here, but when I left home- left that dangerous context- I didn't need to repeat these patterns to survive anymore, but I still did, because I didn't know anything else anymore. It felt safe, comfortable, knowing knowing that the past couldn't repeat itself, because I'd written that flaw- blind trust in myself-  out of my programming and replaced it with something else.

Still, though, I'd become something specially suited to thrive in a very specific environment. Nothing else felt right like followinghigh-risk situations, like witnessing and watching and recording and knowing I had proof of the truth where others might not.

People took notice. I wound up in security by accident, but's an environment that I thrive in due to the same patterns and behaviours I originally developed when I had no other choice. I climbed the ladder pretty quickly, once supervisors caught on that my reports were the most accurate, most objective, most factual, detail-oriented and timely. I keep others and myself safe and prioritize public safety above all else, and I perform well under pressure

Now I'm in a position where I often wonder, do I enjoy this job, or is it just what I'm good at? I have a set of skills now, but do I have the option of choosing not to use them? What would I be, if not this? Could I be anything else? Can Murderbot be anything else?

It has a set of skills that set it apart, make it different, special. It does what it knows best. But is it free? Does it want to be? What does it want? Does it have to do what it was built to do? What if it didn't?

I know what I'm good for. The idea of deliberately leaving what I'm good for for something uncertain, that I might hate, that I might be useless at- the choice to give up what was so important to me for so long and become deliberately obsolete?

Let go of my entire purpose? The only thing I know, that I fit so well into but don't actually know if I enjoy? Now that I can choose? Now that enjoyment is a luxury I can afford to consider?

Yeah, that resonates.

I like the Murderbot series so far because it feels the way I feel: Like the most significant and formative part of my story, the part where I became what I am, has already happened

And now I have to just. Keep going

Into... what?

It feels absurd. Like a microwave giving up on reheating food and deciding to start a life around abstract dance.

So, uh. Yeah. It's really very wild to see this same philosophical-ish dilemma I've been digging over in the back of my mind and in therapy for the last forever laid out so plainly in a genuinely exciting and enjoyable story like this. I feel much less alone, and I... kind of really need to see how it resolves, I think.

So, uh. Yeah. Read Murderbot, I guess

[thebramblewood]

There's nothing Lilith loves more than a good scheme.

Previous / Next

Present day Lilith, narrating: When we made our escape, we were certain we’d never lay eyes on Forgotten Hollow again. For several years, we lived large on a stolen fortune we thought would never run out. How could we have known any better? We’d never handled our own money in our lives. Of course, our naive illusions were quickly shattered. The economy tanked. The war started. We were broke and terrified of exposure. We drifted aimlessly, staying in whatever shitty little hovel we could scrounge up the pennies for. I stalked and killed and thieved to keep us going, but the well was running dry. We finally landed in Brindleton Bay, a dreary seaside town that perpetually stank of fish, where we rented an overpriced yet barely habitable room. The situation was untenable. I began to hatch a plan.

-

Lilith: Sorry I couldn’t bring more. They have a guard posted outside the blood bank now. I… subdued him then grabbed what I could. It wouldn’t be wise to go back.

Caleb: Thank you. You don’t have to-

Lilith: But I do. You won’t accept it any other way — of course, even if you did, pickings are slim lately — and I hardly want to watch you die for your morals. [sighs wearily] I’m just so goddamn tired.

We’re both tired, Caleb. The only thing I hate more than the fact that you won’t hunt is that you can’t. It makes you too vulnerable.

Caleb: [dismissively] I’m fine.

Lilith: You’re not! I’m not! [pauses meaningfully] I think it’s time we go home.

Caleb: Home? Lilith, you know we can never-

Lilith: It’s been thirty years. Not to be crass, but Mother and Father are dead and all that money is surely going to waste.

Caleb: If we show our faces in Willow Creek looking just like the day we left, we’ll be driven out by mobs with pitchforks before sunrise.

Lilith: We’ll obviously not show up as ourselves. We’ll procure fake documents — death and birth certificates, social security numbers, that sort of thing. We can pose as our own children.

Caleb: Do you not hear how preposterous that sounds? Assuming we could even get our hands on those things, no one would believe us.

Lilith: They’d be even less likely to believe we’re vampires. People don’t like things they can’t explain. If we provide an explanation to them, no matter how flimsy, they’ll gladly take it.

Caleb: There’s still too much risk.

Lilith: What risk? We could eat all of Willow Creek alive if we wanted! It’s not up for debate, Caleb. We’re the true and rightful heirs. It’s time we claim what’s ours, and no one will stand in our way.

[ellysdreamworldd]

im torn between wanting to be the most powerful witch at hogwarts, with a dark and mysterious ancestry and a legendary wand, that gets haunted by voldemort because of her powers or just being the normal silly shy girl i really am

[aropride]

fascinated and distressed by chase's disordered relationship with sexuality + his emotions abt his own trauma & abuse

thru the beginning of the show he doesn't even realize he's hot despite being objectively attractive. when he finds out he's hot he then realizes people pretend to be interested in him as a person in order to have sex with him and gets super upset about it

he starts having a bunch of meaningless sex as a coping mechanism when cameron leaves him. and also a lot of other times. whenever something bad happens, basically, he starts going out with a bunch of women, just to feel something, presumably

^to the extent where hes known within the hospital as a slut. and has had sex with an insane amount of nurses. as well as presumably women who are not at his place of work.

he says doing this made him hate himself so he stopped. it's the b-plot for an episode and then he's back having meaningless sex again by the end of the episode

even his coworkers know this about him. and have called it out, masters even says she thinks he doesn't respect women bc, in her words, he's with a different one every few days or maybe he finds comfort in meaningless relationships

goes back to having meaningless sex within weeks of getting stabbed. which is really bad for wound healing reasons too. genuinely it seems like such compulsive behavior for him considering he keeps doing it even when its objectively not only a bad idea but actively dangerous

house even directly says he's "a serial slut" because he's "terrified of intimacy." incredibly accurate assessment

his relationship with his sexuality reads so heavily as someone who thinks they're not good for anything else

see also: dissociation & avoidance

we know he has a lot of trauma especially in childhood- he never really gets into it let alone into how he Feels about it but what we know is already bad & that's just the stuff he's okay with sharing with his coworkers or patients

in general he's very avoidant of his own trauma- when he gets stabbed he says he "can't change what happened, can only make better choices from here" as if it was his own fault, and refuses thru the whole episode to acknowledge that being traumatized by this would be a really normal reaction that he is definitely having. instead he just blames himself

also, he dissociates from traumatic things that happen to him - says "there was a stabbing" rather than "i was stabbed" for instance

when he's talking abt his childhood trauma he does it in a very similar way - he talks about it very bluntly and doesn't ever get into how he actually feels about it.

see also: dr. fawn response

general passive willingness to go along with anything- when cameron says they should have sex in s3 he's surprised and then he just kinda goes along with it. not bc he didn't want to bc he obviously did, but he's just generally very much someone who does whatever other people want him to do. i feel like he and cameron both tend to seek validation thru sex in an unhealthy way that i'm still gnawing on like a dog with a bone i have to go rewatch s3 to really articulate it though

he has a sort of desperation for praise and approval especially from anyone he views as an authority figure. he does whatever authority figures tell him out of this idea that it'll bring him approval and therefore safety

like no matter what house does or says to him he doesn't argue or retaliate or anything. even when house punches him he collapses on the ground in pain and then just keeps talking about the patient like nothing happened.

the scene in 3.10 after house punches him where he's in the ddx room and house walks in and throws the file at him and chase is startled and tries to pretend he's not. and he looks up with this huge fuck ass bruise on his jaw swallows heavily and pretends not to be upset. and house asks if he got that looked at as if he wasn't the one to give it to him and chase just swallows and says he's fine. dr fawn response :(

[cherryxblossxms]

Devastating to read while ovulating.... 🙈

[chronicowboy]

and if i said buck jerked off after the brawl in cellblock 911 hostage situation to memories of bossy cunt eddie and justified it as a coping mechanism for trauma?

[whumpypepsigal]

Dune: Part Two (2024) “Chani, his body is fighting the poison and he needs your help.”