#that wasnt a fucking panic attack
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I feel so weak
#i was feeling better after sleeping but it started getting tiring to walk after a while#hope this next nap fixes me#i feel MUCH better than when i first woke up today. like a lot. almost normal even#but i suddenly started feeling too weak again so back to bed it is#im tired of smth always being wrong with my body and im tired of people its because 'im too anxious'#someone had the NERVE to tell me what ihad was a panic attack like u fucking idiot do u think i dont know what a panic attack feels like?#that wasnt a fucking panic attack#i feel like scum i cant look at people inthe face. i just want to hide in a hole#my back hurts in several places and its bothersome to rest on one side of my head#so i can onlysleep in a specufic position and i have to be careful when i sit down
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oh okay heres one:
"sleepaway camp"= you go there for at least a few days, a week, sometimes several weeks, and sleep there, as opposed to a """camp""" where you go for the day and your parents or whoever picks you up afterward (those arent really camps, but like. idk when i went to "space camp" it was a weeklong but not sleepaway). in the U.S. at least, the typical image of a sleepaway camp involves staying in cabins, dunno how common it is/what it looks like in other countries.
for the first few i just mean like. not necessarily a stealth church camp, just like. idk, a camp where theres also an Assumption Of Christianity and just general vibes without being actually church camp. So, there might not be daily services and jesusy dedicatwd activities, but maybe theres still a prayer said over meals and shit. Which i assume might exist...
(oh and @reblogforsamplesize if u wanna)
#buzzy#poll#polls#personally: yes i went several times#and i enjoyed it bc. camp!!! yay!!!#but the Church part of it. complicated feelings on that matter#mine were all weeklong camps#went every year for a few years i hink#it was fun bc again YAY CAMP!!! and the ones i went to were like huge things#they had cool water stuff like The Blob and waterslides and some fun games and shit#you could do paintball#and i wasnt like. NOT christian at the time. but i also Wasnt Really Feeling It#i was mostly into it bc. camp.#...maybe i should have asked my parents if i could just go to one of the normal summer camps instead lmao#like the 6 week ones or st#that coulda been fun ....#so my answer is Its Complicated#i did like. participate in the jesus side of things. but i was also kinda knowingly faking it u kno?#i remember one time during a service i started having a bit of a panic attack (mostly bc of the MASSVE crowd. this was a huge ass camp)#but i still had to like. stay. still do everything. my pastor was being nice about it but still was like :( well you cant leave#i remember that was the day we did some shit outside w torches#like. carrying torches in a big procession like some sorta ritual thing ig. fuck if i know.#and i was like crying while following the procession and trying to stop#(the crying STARTED un the megachurch extremely loud giaant speaker GET PUMPED UP!!! area and continued to the torches)#thars my stringest memory from church camp aside from when i fcking DEMOLISHED the frozen t shirt game#(they gave a few ppl on stage frozen t balled up shirts and it was like 'okay first one to unball it and put it on wins!!!')#(and while the two boys i was up against started trying to tear it open with their hands i just#(in my cute lil butterfly shirt and pretty skirt started SMASHING IT AGAINST THE GROUND FULL BODY AAAUUGGHH and broke that shit)#(i was sooo proud of mysekf and my oastors wife thiught it was Unladylike of me but i fucjing won. the boys copied me after a sec)#(but it was too late i won :) anyway yeah like i said mixed feelings u kno. anyway go blue beetles woooo!!!!!
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if aradia's death was just in-character for a long roleplay, what's the deal with tavros and terezi's disabilities? did vriska have anything to do with them?
She Did Do Those Things. vriska no!!!!!!
#im insane that vriska is a roleplayer#its so funny to me i love roleplaying jokes#for those not in the know: 'i was just acting in character' is a common phrase used by people Behaving Badly#vriskas like OOOOOOHHH you want me to break the carefully crafted and lovingly acted personality of marquise spinneret mindfang? you monste#listen!!! im playing as my spidersona!!!!! its what she would do shes a spider you want me to not act like a spider???#vriska. you threw the boy off a cliff screaming and cackling to yourself FLY PUPA FLY#thats not '''''''in character''''' marquise spinneret wouldnt have fucking done that you bitch!!! you just got bored and started#causing problems!!!!#her glasses details had to be shifted around because vriska saying to terezi 'its harder for me. i lost 7 eyes you only lost 2' is so fucki#oh my god vriska no. NO. VRISKA#but yeah she did still do those things. i wasnt sure how to handle this but i decided to go this way. a vriska is a vriska#vriska#homestuck#bugstuck#vriska serket#One time I got a death threat in the middle of an in-person roleplaying game. That underclassman just looked at me with hatred in their eye#a panic attack#then later after THAT they began openly weeping.
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Mmm.
I. Am possibly an adrenaline junkie.
I'm unrelated news I've been reminded that fair rides exist and am now SO upset because everyone in my family doesn't like going on crazy fair rides. But I feel so embarrassed doing them alone.
#anways also i swear like a fucking sailor when im adrenaline-ing™️#and uhhh yea#last time i went to an amusement park i got pickpocketed and robbed & had a panic attack so.#wasnt the best per say.#but before that itd been FUCKING AWESOME#THERE WAS A RIDE WHERE YOU HUNG FROM IT.#enea rambles <3#ANYWAY EVERYONE WHO WANTS TO GO TO AN AMUSEMENT PARK WITH ME AND GET ADRENALINE PLEASE-
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Ngl still hurt by the anon who said my partner and I are both too feminine to tell im the butch despite the photos in question being from halloween and everything
#like i know i should just move past it and anon was clearly the asshole in the situation#welp... i am sensitive and already have trauma around being percieved as/told im too feminine to be how i wanna be👍#and the fact that it came from another butch#and they said they also are low income and wear feminine stuff like dresses sometimes#which... i know that is so hypocritical why am i letting someone like that get me down#and i wasnt even wearing a dress or a skirt or anything i just had halloween themed fake nails and a headscarf and like. a miniscule amount#of makeup on#but anyways#the fact it came from another butch really hurt#cuz like. id expect someone w a similar gender experience to understand how fucking hurtful that is#and i keep thinking about it bc i wanted to be poison ivy for purim but i keep having panic attacks#bc i keep worrying ill get told im too feminine again#fuck my life#vent
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HE JAS A PROSTHETIC LEG OMG? WHAT HAPPENED
hoooo...so *looks away because god is about to smite me for this and i really can't take any more abuse, but i'm a loose cannon, baby!*
sooo uh...hypothetically speaking...
toolshed mechanic stan's grandmother might have been a really famous female drag racer once upon a time and stan may have been a Really REALLY GOOD Driver...oooonce...upon a time...
-- because i'm not saying there was an Incident, buuut...
but if there was an incident about a year or so ago, toolstan and the boys ( kenny and butters, holla at them ) may have been on some late night Degenerate Shit ( drinking, smoking that good tegridy weed, getting dummy stupid and schwifty ) and small town hick nowhere mechanic stan maaaaay...may have been driving them back DRUNK!!
AS! ALL! FUCK!! ( it used to be his favorite party trick; he used to say he could do it with his eyes closed or steer with his feet/use his legs where his arms were / drive backwards...that joke Did Not age well.
and...hypothetically speaking, he may have actually physically humored that joke, or regardless was prolly doing donuts and stupid ass shit ( butters was throwing up and kenny was having a blast ) but uhhh...it's very possible that things might have been going very well...
( as well as driving your friends home blackout drunk can be -- which is never a good idea even if you live in a tiny rural colorado town that doesn't even make the map most years, have done it a million times and there is never anything in the road... )
because HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING!!! THERE WAAAAAS SOMETHING IN THE ROAD!!!! it was a deer, toolshed stan SWERVED HARD, they hit a massive tree and...Sigh...
hypothetically speaking, mechanic stan only really remembers it in horrible mercurial ptsd flashes and is extremely haunted by it...but in the accident, i think stan's leg got crushed between some part or the car or idk, maybe it had something to do with the handle he was drinking ( yikes super best friend ), a massive shard of glass got butters in the eye and he literally lost his eye and kenny???
so...they never found kenny's body...but they did find...
His Severed Right Hand.
#sorry i know this is an unofficial ncu au#i am still kind of developing it while i work on my ravesey stuff and try to write actual things again#BUT OOOOOOOOOOOF BROTHER#YIIIIIIIIIIIIIKES#NOT GREAT#again still in the works#but uh fuck so after that#toolshed stan never drove again ever like he works on cars and is really good at it and used to love cars and#possibly aspired to be like his grandma ( should i bring back sobo mimi like i really think i should i love her )#but literally panics anytime he is in any car walks or bikes or skateboards literally everywhere and like#will not get in a car and can't drive or he will literally have a panic attack like when i tell you he can't fucking do it#like he cannot take the goddamn bus its that serious#anyways i love him robot tin can leg mechanic stan my boyfriend he is lowkey very dreamy to me but thinks hes a hunk of junk#LIKE HALF OF THAT WAS RIGHT HUNKY MECHANIC KING#anyways very very sad they assumed kenny was like eaten by wild animals or dragged into the woods by....something#folks say it was Man Bear Pig#but there is a hole in the windsheild from where kenny flew straight through the goddamn window bc he wasnt#wearing a GODDAMN SEAT BELT even tho butters fucking BEGGED HIM TOO FUCKING HELL POOR BUTTERS#also i think the only reason that mechanic stan Survived actually was because the amount of alcohol in his body#somehow numbed or slowed everything down#but it was fucked the last thing he remembers is kenny flying out and butters screaming and bleeding and seeing his leg fucked up#has a lot of phantom pain there also#i went back and forth on whether it should be his arm or leg so if it changes ill tell ya but UHHH LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE SKJ
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welcome to cj/crispy's bi-yearly ptsd rant about fireworks, you are all safe and valid here and i am mentally giving out juice boxes and animal crackers
#last year wasnt too bad i barely remember nye tbh but OH BOY are the neighbors making up for it this year#they arent like super big or anything but they are LOUD and we're just rural enough that nobody gives a shit#like i cannot tell you how much i love the idea of fireworks and their history#but id also like to not have 12 consecutive minor panic attacks because the neighbors have some money to burn#it's worse around the 4th of july ’cause that also has the caveat of ''what tf are you even celebrating fuck you''#and im much more chill when it's like families celebrating with their kids because i remember how much fun mine had#but there are no kids around us#they're all adults and i want so badly to just be like ''yeah you do you man im glad youre having a good time'' but also like#they have to sell specialised jackets and blankets and medication for pets for nye and 4th of july#we dont have too many veterans in our part of town but i will never forget that pic of the vet hiding in the subway with his hands over#his ears#i dunno man i know not every activity can be accommodating to absolutely everyone#but i also think avoiding loud triggering (for a bunch of different reasons) noises is like#doable#there are quiet fireworks#thankfully my cat couldn't give two shits about loud noises but /I/ give two shits about loud noises#shut up cj#to delete
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guys look at this ask i got yesterday
anyways have u guys ever heard this shit? give it a listen song of the summer fr
#chat#omg putting this at the top of the tags but i dont ppl coming to myyyyyy defense i guess like this is one of the stupidest asks ive ever#in my life LOL. one of the stupidest asks ever directed at me i mean.#there was a midtown concert yesterday in nj#just using it to talk abt mid fucking town#AND I WASNT THERE#i was reallllyyyyyy thinking abt going (that shit is like a day away from me and i dont have the money for shit like that)#was thinking abt having my own early 2010s family trip movie where wacky shit happens and i have a panic attack and almost die or something#but i couldnt fit it into my schedule 😞#POSTING MIDTOWN REMINDS ME. i bought three cheers for sweet revenge record the other day 😁😁😁😁#and my midtown living well is the best revenge record finally shipped after i emailed the seller abt it. and that shits not coming#until after christmas. whatever. midtown and mcr albums that are making out#SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT both midtown vinyls lwitbr and stwltg at the same time#but the shipping that 1 and one shirt took pissed me off bc i literally ordered the stuff one month ago exactly 😭😭😭#and didnt get a tracking number until i asked.#whatever. thinking of buying that one hot mess vinyl bc they dont have any pressings of#any other cobra albums. unless im not looking good enough. sneefle sneefle#thinking of other albums to buy. im not an album person really i have to really like something or like the general vibe of something to#buy it idk. like the mcr album LOL#Spotify
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I need to stop sleeping all day its giving me wild as fuck dreams
#literally had a dream that i was a 14yr old mexican boy who was kidnapped by a crime boss and worked for him#making my way up the ladders until i was his right hand man#until one day i got in an accident and the paramedic who found me stuck by me while the cops questioned me#bc like who is this kid why is he so malnourished who is meant to tale care of you#and then they were restraining me in the back of an ambulance and i was crying and trying to breathe my way out of a panic#attack and then managed to calm down and the paramedic (who looked like that guy from disco elysium. the one you play as)#started asking me questions about my life and i talked about how johnny was in charge and he wore half a black rabbit mask but upside down#so the singular ear ran down his throat. and i talked about other thing idk but then CRASH the ambulance is suddenly gone#(OH I REMEMBER. i talked about how there were these women (prostitutes) who were nice to me and would give me food and drink#that i wasnt supposed to have and they wouldnt let me drink what the men were having but thats okay it tasted nasty anyway#and how on my last mission i was shot in the leg and it delayed me a day and johnny punished me by locking me up#and i couldnt leave and i nearly starved to death that week but the women snuck me small amounts of food and drink#even tho they would have been killed if they were caught. anyway that was like two weeks ago and my leg still hadnt healed)#im tied up under the clothesline at the top of the stairs of my irl house while the paramedic is tied to a chair by the front door#johnny comes in and starts asking questions but upon receiving no answers he grabs a metal bat and breaks the paramedics knee#and im just crying and screaming for it all to stop scared out of my life and johnny asks if i want the beating instead#and the paramedic says “dont you lay a finger on him. (name) look away i dont want you seeing this”#and then johnny starts torturing him amd all i hear is his screams even tho im blocking my ears and squeezing my eyes shut#and then im in johnnys room three years later and hes turned me into a dog but also an axolotl and ive forgotten my human roots#....like literally what the FUCK was that????#moss' madness#its called vague posting FOR A REASON
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im so annoyed my earring got fucked up
#the back stadted sinking into my skin of my earlobe eeeek#my sister got it out earlier and i thought i was gonna pass ojt like#vision going black dizzy lightheaded everhtbing#but we switched it oht w the earring i got pierced w and i think#its chilling..#but now itll take even longer for thay one to fully heal#i think its bc i slept on mh aide too much.#also when i took the original earring out on that side it was like Fucked up like the thing wouldnt detach#so i ended up jsut pulling it all the way through. NOT ON PURPPSE rhats just Whay happened as i was tehing to take it out normally#so maybe thats also why tnay happened bc im aure that wasnt.. Good for it#but i put the earring drom the other aide in it now so it wont be stuck in there again#Mannn#Still dont k ow why i literally had fullbody physical symptoms over it being pulled out at first#i asked my sister if it was bleeding a bunch of smtg bc i was like why else am i About to faint#but it wasnt.. my sister said maybe it was a mini panic attack#i was kind of freaming out imagining if it wouldnt have come out#Um a2t sorry ik this is kind of a gross subject.
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I love having OCD. I love having insane panic attacks about insane things my brain makes up that cause me so much anxiety I nearly throw up. I love trying to relax after a long day of work and ending up locked in the bathroom in my minimal spare time trying to remember how to breathe. Because my brain made something up and told me to panic like it was real. I'm having such a fun time.
#its fucking impossible to get in to see my therapist rn and its so frustrating cause like#i could go elsewhere and get appointments easier but my therapist is REALLY good soooooo#im just here like uhmmm. if anyone has a 5pm maitenance appointment they wanna drop me this month. i am having the worst anxiety since....#honestly since a couple year ago when we tried to get me off my antidepressant cause i felt like it wasnt working.#ten milligrams down had me in shambles lmfao#anyways next time i go into my doctor who prescribes for me im gonna talk to her more abt doses like#idk if i can go up on what im on but maybe something else would be better for me after...#over a decade on my current medication.#anyways#vent#personal#anxiety#ocd#tw panic attack mention#mental illness#not yr
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.
#ok one more rant in the tags about the car crash that no one will read.....#im so mad it happened when i was doing so much better#like i truly wanted to kill myself a month ago and then i was so much better i was working out everyday i started taking care of myself#i dyed my hair i got my ears pierced i was so much happier and then i fucking crashed my car#and it was bad it wasnt a little fender bender it was fucking bad#AND IM NOT HAVING ANY OF THAT NEWFOUND APPRECIATION FOR LIFE BULLSHIT IM JUST TRAUMATIZED#now ive stopped working out ive stopped texting my friends ive stopped doing things ive just stopped#im not having panic attacks anymore but im just empty#i keep fucking. thinking about it
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me having panic attack, crying and hyperventilating: bbut it's all gonna be okay, right?
mom:
me: mom?
mom: ...
me: ... right?
mom, angrily: stop asking me to lie to you!
#like ok i get where shes coming from but what the fuck#it wasnt about anything i did wrong or whatever i was just worried about the future and it got too strong#she gets so mad at me when i have panic attacks#id say idk why but i kinda know why. its bc of her own issues. still tho
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goddamn it i feel that bottled starbucks mocha frappucino running through my veins
#it's liquid panic attack#i like my caffeine with a side of anxiety#i wish my body could be normal about it like chill the fuck out eros it's just a frappucino you dumbass#and it wasnt even that good :(#textpost#eros says shit
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stomach has pulsing pain
something is wrong in there
breathing hurts moving hurts sitting up hurts
why can't anyone tell me what's wrong
#i dont want another ultrasound i had a panic attack last time#she promised me itd be external and she lied to me. i made sure to ask and she said itd be external but it wasnt and i cant do it again#it hurts#milo murmurs#its been happening for years. for as long as i can remember really#i know what they did fucked me up internally. i know it did. same reason i dont have a hymen#i dont hate my body but why do i have to be the one that suffers. wasnt what they did bad enough? why did it have to result in chronic pain?#im so tired im gnna try to go back to sleep#it hurts from my abdomen up to my ribs & it pulses but they checked my gallbladder and it was fine#i dont know why it happens but it goes away eventually#csa vent#tw csa vent#not knowing whats going on w your body is scary when you feel like it doesnt belong to you to begin with bc of. yk. trauma (+ dissociation)#im going back to sleep now
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maybe if i go back on antidepressants ill ask for wellbutrin
#p#like yes i am pretty depressed rn but i dont feel like killing myself like i did when i was on viibryd#no genetic altercations my ass i was on that shit for years and just now looking back at my messages and notes no wonder i was scaring ppl#i was so anxious one time i had to sit in my brothers room so i knew he wasnt going to die suddenly#and i was so so so scared but it was like there was a mental block where it couldnt become a panic attack jst paranoia#but i was one degree from it. just imagining what i did to him happening to me scared me to death and i had to reassure myself#my mom asked me abt it the other day like 'hmmm. wouldve been nice to let me know you werent on it anymore. seems like a thing your mother-#'-should know.' and like yes since im still completely dependent on her in all aspects but man#i didnt want to explain i had no interest in seeing lisa anymore and i was just done. i was so tired of my lows being so fucking low#and not even noticing they were so bad yknow#do i even know how to be honest anymore. no i dont think of killing myself but i dont see a future for myself either#i have no goals no motivation no nothing#its selfish to want to die but its like that mytoecold dude video where hes like 'if i spilled milk and then killed myself technically-#'-the problem would be gone' like yeah. that is true. how do i get that out of my belief system#he was a raging addict btw i just saw that video. crazy and sad but i guess when you are dealt a bad hand you see eye to eye
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