Reflections, part I
Art (and some writing!) courtesy of @trilobitepunch
Found sumthin…”
Donnie jumped, biting down on the urge to hiss as the sound of Raphie’s voice, soft as it tried to be, raked a knife sharply across his nerves. His insides writhed with the need to scream, or bite, or tuck himself into a dark corner and rock until the world disappeared. But he couldn’t do that. The master’s had always disapproved when he did. They had scolded him to “center himself”, to “release the feelings to the Force”. And he had tried too. So, so many times, he had tried to do as they said to control his body and mind. It had never worked. Only his family had… But the masters were gone, and so were most of his family. There was only one left. Only Raph. Raphael and Donatello against a cold world that did not care about them, and so Donnie had to find that stupid center and pull. Himself. Together.
He bit down hard on his lip, the pain helpfully grounding as he squashed those writhing, icky needs down and locked them away, smoothing his face into practiced neutrality before turning to look at his big brother. Raphael stood a few feet away, nervously shifting from foot to foot. His head was wrapped in makeshift bandages torn from the relatively cleaner portion of his inner robe, partially covering a patch of rust red crusted over the left side of his face. Small flakes broke away as his beak pulled back into a tentative smile, fluttering down to join the detritus of the alleyway as his hands triumphantly presenting their prize for Donatello’s inspection.
It was, in short, not much. Two slightly smushed ration bars in torn wrappers and a hunk of visibly stale bread. Not the most filling spread, or the most nourishing. But neither of them could afford to turn down the calories.
“Well done, Raphie,” Donnie nodded, something in his heart loosening when Rahael beamed at him. “You should take your portion first.”
“Nuh-uh! You go first Donnie!” Raph denied, puffing out his cheeks when Donnie shook his head.
“No Raphie, you require a greater level of caloric intake.”
“Raph doesn’t know about calor-a-whatitz, but you said I was your big brother, yeah? That means it’s my responsibility to take care’a you.”
“I am not that hungry,” Donnie protested, his tummy twisting uncomfortably as he stared at the food in Raph’s palms.
“That’s wha you said earlier, but I also know you haven’t eaten in a while. You gotta eat if yah wanna get big an strong Dee.”
“I…”
“Just try. Please?”
“…Sigh. Very well.”
The way Raph’s face lit up with pride and relief gave him the strength to reach out and take one of the ration bars. He broke off half, then grudgingly took a little bit more when the chasm between Raph’s eyes grew. The texture, like pavement gravel, dried sand, and fake fruit, made him want to puke, but he forced his reflexes back enough to swallow. Neither of them could afford to waste food.
“Come on, lets sit fer a few minutes, yeah?” Raph said, one hand landing on the back of Donatello’s shell to steer him closer to the ally wall.
“We shouldn’t stay in one place,” Donnie protested, even as his traitorous legs trembled beneath him, “the lower levels of Coruscant are dangerous.”
“An we’ll run faster if we take breaks when we can, right?”
“That is…unusually logical of you Raphala.”
“Really?”
Donatello’s heart sank at the hopeful look that Raph shot him as they curled up together behind a dumpster.
“Yes. You’ve always been a more, in your words, gut based turtle…I…take that to mean your memories have not returned?”
“Not beyond what you’ve told me,” Raph shrugged, looking down as he gnawed the bread. “I’m Raphael, your big brother. We’re Jedi, or we were? Somethin happened in the temple, an we had to run away. Then the tunnel collapsed when the bad guys caught up to us. Did I forget anything?”
“No, that is the gist of events,” Don confirmed, forcing himself to eat another tiny piece of the ration bar. “I will admit, I was hoping to see more come back independently.”
Hope was perhaps an incorrect term for the unidentifiable mess of emotions that churned inside him, but Donnie didn’t have the energy or inclination to try to pull those impossible threads apart. Not without…
“Well, maybe you could tell me more?”
More… a dangerous concept.
“What specifically would you like to know?”
“I dunno. What the temple was like? Did we have any other family there?”
“The temple?”
His face pinched slightly. He couldn't really fault his brother for wanting to know what he couldn't recall, knowing full well he'd want to extract every detail he could regain if he were in the same position. Then again, maybe he wouldn’t if it meant… It was a horrifying thought he quickly backed away from, ducking his head and drawing in a breath as he prepared his response, reluctantly letting his thoughts dip back into simpler, more pleasant times.
Vaulted halls supported by towering pillars and dappled with sunlight. The lush humidity within the Room of a Thousand Fountains, the blissful hush of the Archives. The soft, colorful walls of the creche, covered in drawings made by little hands. Food smudged on tiny fingers, colorful patterns swirling over a tiny shell…
“DeeDee! DeeDee I dwew this fo you!”
“It bwoke DeeDee, can you fix it?”
“I luve you DeeDee!”
"The temple.... was the only home we knew. It was huge, and somehow both busy and quiet. People were always coming and going, especially after the war started. Jedi come from all over the galaxy, so we lived in the creche with others, and we had lessons in all matter of subjects. As for family…”
“Dee! Pst, Dee! Bet I can block more than you!”
“It’s gonna okay DonDon, don’t listen to them. Do you want to squeeze my hand?”
“That’s never gonna happen to us, Donatello. It’s going to be you and me, always. I promise.”
"...the Order was more or less family, but the Jedi didn’t encourage bonds and connections between its members," he finished, pretending to nibble at his ration bar to hide as he swallowed hard around the knot in his throat.
It was hard to keep that mask on with the pain of everything lost still so fresh. When that messy cyclone of emotions twisted and knotted even tighter inside of him. As his thoughts circled continuously around those last moments in the sewer tunnel, and those lost beneath the cave in. Master Yoshi, Michelangelo, Leo...
He didn't even try to swallow another bite of his rations as something hot and sour and wrong flooded his throat, coating his tongue and teeth in bitterness. His stomach roiled, every little ache seemingly magnified as the emotions in his chest screamed their names over and over and over and-
“Well, at least we still got each other, right?”
Raphaels words pulled him from the maelstrom, gave him the strength to look up as one big arm wrapped around his shoulders. He stared as Raph smiled, the same smile overflowing with the warmth and reassurance only his eldest brother could provide. An eldest brother free from the enormity of all they had lost.
“…Yes,” He replied, bowing his head as he carefully tucked those names, and the memories they brought with them, away within his own memory.
“It’s for the best,” his mind whispered. “He doesn’t need to feel this. He doesn’t need to miss them. I can bear it for the both of us.”
“Come on then, lil bro,” Raph’s arm gently guided him back to his feet, taking the remains of his ration bar to tuck away for later. “Let’s try to look for a good place to sleep.”
……..
"What have we here?"
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The regency au is extremely interesting, and I think it'd be awesome if the climax of Leo's arc is getting divorced. Mostly because I just generally like divorce but yk.
ANYWAYS, MIKEY! I think it's very cool that he's allowed a little bit more gay than his siblings. Just a smidge. I support him in everything he does.
Divorce Arcs are the pinnacle of entertainment, yeah. unfortunately, divorce was not possible (or more accurately, near impossible to get) in those times, especially for a lady. so a divorce for these two is not in the works
doesn't mean they won't work around it though~
and yeah, Mikey is allowed to be a little bit more open in being gay, but not too much, though, as it was a death sentence to be open and out. he can't go to molly houses either (places where gay and queer men showed up to hang out, or for sex) since he's still young. so he flirts occasionally every now ad then with staff. but in a way that is seen as playful as to not give anything away
not a lot of freedom, but definitely a lot more than what Donnie gets
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