#that's kinda. wait that makes some things my therapist said make a lot more sense. fuck is this another thing like when I thought my whole

[running-in-the-dark]

okay I need to know this now. can't stop thinking about it (haha....) since I read that post.

so. you're supposed to just be able to stop thinking about things?? whenever you want? like. anything? even the really bad things? just. decide to not think about it anymore/at that moment/whatever??

[waitmyturtles]

SPOILERS AND ANALYSIS FOR THE EIGHTH SENSE, EPISODES 9 and 10. TURN AWAY IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET! LONG POST!

MY HEART. IS. SO. FULL. 

Episode 9 almost (ALMOST!) reached Bad-Buddy-episode-10-level for me. That was a hell of an episode. 

And I am so thrilled, SO FREAKING THRILLED, to have been proven wrong about my theories as to whether or not episode 6 was “real” to the series. It was very real, and clearly so meaningful and contributive to Jae Won (as well, of course, to Ji Hyun), that... it sent Jae Won running, literally.

One more passing thought before I dig into the meal: 

I haven’t dug into this at ALL yet, but I think there might purposefully be a lot of similarities between The Eighth Sense and Where Your Eyes Linger, which (I think this is accurate, but PLEASE correct me if I’m wrong) was one of the first non-Strongberry Big KBLs to come out. I went back to Viki to make sure to confirm this, but Jung Seo In -- the restaurant ahjumma and Ji Hyun’s boss in T8S -- also plays a restaurant proprietor in Where Your Eyes Linger, and actually asks Han Tae Joo and Kang Gook “who’s top and who’s bottom” when she first meets them in WYEL (a little squick but she made it cute for that time). The promo picture for WYEL on Viki is of the two leads lying on the floor with their heads touching.... a different orientation, but a lot of the same feeling, as the opening of episode 10 of T8S. And, finally: Han Tae Joo of WYEL and Jae Won of T8S are both “the chairman’s son.” They are both sons in need of care.

That’s enough for a comparison for now to WYEL, because I haven’t spent enough time digging into it, but I’ll return to Ji Hyun’s ahjumma in a second, because she’s a badassssssss. Anyway:

Episode 9: What can I say. As with Bad Buddy episode 10, I’m struggling to get words down. I love a ride to a gorgeous union. 

And Jae Won, HONEY, Y’ALL TOOK ME ON A HELL OF A RIDE. DUUUUUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDDDDDEEEEEE. DUDE. I wanna be friends with you!

We learned some things. Ji Hyun brings light into Jae Won’s life. When we saw Jae Won with Eun Ji -- it was always in darkness (except for surf club earlier in the series, but Ji Hyun was there with Jae Won). jae Won eats with Eun Ji in a pojangmacha at night. He sits with Eun Ji in a dark library. He walks with Eun Ji on dark streets. She tries to kiss him in the nighttime. 

Ji Hyun sees that -- and something twists inside of Jae Won.

Then we get Jae Won and Eun Ji in the dark library. And, JEEEEZUS. WHOA! UM! I. did. not. expect. the. long. game. to. be. played. LIKE. THAT.

Motherfucker played a LONG-ASS, I’M A NAVY VETERAN, I CHASED AFTER YOU, I SAW YOU WITH ANOTHER GUY, I WAITED FOR YOU, I WAITED UNTIL MORNING, I SAW YOU WERE STILL WITH HIM, I SAW YOU WALKING OUT OF THE MOTEL WITH HIM, I SAW THAT, I CAME BACK, YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY FEAR ABOUT JI HYUN AND THE ACCIDENT, AND I REVENGE-DATED YOU, KINDA GAME, HEADSHAKE, SHRUG, I’M LOOKING AT MY NAILS, PSH.

BRO. WHAT. THE. EFF. 

I want a Cardi B song about this shit. Dude, you played that better than ANY female character in a K-drama that I have EVER seen, my man! You actually WENT AND DATED HER, LIKE KINDA LITERALLY-BUT-MAYBE-YOUR-HEART-WASN’T-ACTUALLY-INTO-IT-SO-MAYBE-IT-WAS-FOR-THE-ASSIGNMENT-DEALIE??? Good lord. 

Like, can that become a K-drama/KBL trope? Hot DAMN. ANYWAY. (Actually, one more reference to this for episode 10, but enough of the all caps, ha.)

You know what that means, right? While all that was going on, Jae Won’s heart WASN’T with Eun Ji. He was processing his stuff with Ji Hyun on his own, and with his therapist (once more, lol, @emotionallychargedtowel, take me to your analysis! I gotta know what you thought about the therapist calling Jae Won selfish!). 

Jae Won said it himself. He’s rooted in depression. He’s rooted in guilt about his brother’s death. He’s rooted in guilt over Ji Hyun’s accident. I will posit that episode 6 still felt like a “dream,” likely because of meds, likely because of Jae Won’s headstate. It was a “real” moment for the series but for where Jae Won’s head was at, he was likely battling a depressive episode with the continued, chronic guilt of his life. So things seemed fuzzy and jumpy -- because they were fuzzy and jumpy for Jae Won. 

(Whenever I try to describe these states to people, I try to think of relative moments... like being at work with four hours of sleep. Driving while your contact lens has something in it. You’re fuzzily in and out of reality. Jae Won’s depression is deeper than that. But I try to relate to it somehow with those metaphors.)

So the therapist does her own thing by calling Jae Won “selfish” for rooting in his pain. How we choose to judge her behavior is whatever -- it still gives me the jibbles, and I lean towards the utterly wonderful @emotionallychargedtowel for better analysis about therapy than me.

But, as we very clearly saw -- Jae Won’s breakthrough came through the restaurant ahjumma. Remember: she represents a break from tradition, as I said last week. She’s done with the bullshit of living by the rules of others.

She sees university students in and out, everyday, eating samgyupsal and drinking their sorrows away. She sees former students coming back to say hi. 

She’s been around the block, and has seen people get around the block themselves. She knows the advice that she’s giving to Jae Won. Unlike the therapist, she’s not gonna make Jae Won feel bad about himself. She’s just going to feed him and HELP HIM.

LET GO OF IT ALL, HONEY. GO AND GET YOUR MAN. 

And Jae Won finally let go. He went to the water. He took us with him to a flashback to the sea, to the light, where he’s the happiest. He took us to where he’s the freest that he can be.

And Ji Hyun called him back to Ji Hyun’s side. Called Jae Won back through music, and Jae Won heard him, and ran to Ji Hyun, and they embraced -- and it was perfect. 

I’m gonna be that auntie when I grow up.

Episode 10: There are a couple of side discussions with friends that I want to refer to, but let me say first that I have zero issues with this light, lovely conclusion. I am a SLAVE for K-drama tropes, and I didn’t mind that this episode had a few. This series did so beautifully to NOT hew to tropes, and to create a new paradigm of filmmaking in KBLs, that I was TOTALLY FINE with seeing some sweet tropey behavior -- the drinking, the partying, the dancing, the dance music. The love games. The heads leaning on shoulders. Coffees in cans. Let me give you my jacket. 

Friends @shortpplfedup and @lurkingshan and @wen-kexing-apologist: I’m okay with the forgiveness to Tae Hyung and Eun Ji. Because. 

I think Jae Won’s being a little shady, come awn. I think he popped his umbrella open. Just a little. Ji Hyun ADMITTED to being sassy, but I think Jae Won knew he was being just a little bitty-bit shady, and I’m gonna let the man have his. He’s a game-player. 

Eun Ji HAD TO ADMIT that she got her ass handed to her. And Ji Hyun and Jae Won both knew she’d have a hard time, internally. I’m fine with her being calm about it. She knew she fucked up the game, hard, when she got her ass caught cheating. We know she’s lame, she knows she’s lame, let’s live and move on.

I thought Jae Won’s read on Tae Hyung was great. Tae Hyung IS someone who wears his heart on his sleeve, however misguided it is. Humans are not perfect. Jae Won wants to be with honest people. (That’s why he dumped Eun Ji’s ass and handed her the receipts. He can forgive her, but he certainly AIN’T going out with her again.)

As Bed Friend ended with happy moment after happy moment -- I believe the filmmakers knew exactly what they were giving us with this finale. How we came to SUCH a happy ending just boggles me, but it was a loving and a sweet one. GO YOON WON AND JOON PYO. COME AWN. GO GO GO. (And go Bit Na! Reject that motherfucker. AND AE RI! GURL! I’m gonna miss you, nothing slides by you.)

And I want to refer back to something about the therapist conversation in episode 9 that got concluded in episode 10. I think it’s really important to note that BOTH Ji Hyun AND Jae Won took care OF EACH OTHER in these last two episodes.

Jae Won was rotting in guilt over not being able to TAKE CARE OF JI HYUN during the accident. Jae Won arguably got Ji Hyun in trouble. 

Ji Hyun, upon his recovery, TAKES CARE OF Jae Won. Ji Hyun handled the disciplinary committee. He gives Jae Won a disposable camera and encourages Jae Won’s photography. He continues to send Jae Won text messages, songs. Sending messages of hope and light and love. I’m still here, Jae Won, I haven’t left. Jae Won’s brother might not be here. Ji Hyun never left. 

What shocked Jae Won out of his stasis was the ahjumma’s words. I think Jae Won realized at that moment that -- AS AHJUMMA WAS SAYING ALL ALONG -- THAT JAE WON WAS OVERTHINKING THINGS. Once Jae Won could 

SEE. THE. LIGHT.

he was able to take off, and finally go back to Ji Hyun, in whole. 

(I think we know why the therapist’s office was dark. Jae Won couldn’t see the light in there. 

His light comes from Ji Hyun and the water.)

It’s a rarity, but I’m putting this on my short MUST WATCH list. This BLEW away any filmmaking expectations I previously had about KBLs. This was SINGULAR, groundbreaking, the actors ATE their roles, ATE THEM -- and it was utterly fulfilling.

PHENOMENAL SHOW. I’m going to miss this one TREMENDOUSLY. 

[potatoesandsunshine]

ok for the benefit of everyone i am putting my ttpd thoughts under the cut bc i had a lot of them. i did listen to the album and i had a fun time writing my opinions as i went! i haven't done any of the extra songs yet but i probably will tomorrow.

overall thoughts: i like this album pretty well! definitely more to my taste than midnights. i'm not instantly in love with it, but i will listen to at least some of the songs a lot and i'll give the whole thing a few more chances to grow on me. kind of a 7/10 for me personally - i'm not sold on songs as vehicles for Lore, i need to think it's a good song to listen to if i'm going to like it. i wanted more differences in tempo or dynamics throughout; at times songs felt a little same-y. anyway, my first impressions song by song!

Fortnight: honestly i just don't love the word fortnight there are too many T's in it. overall 7/10. i like it but i want a tempo change or something.

TTPD: the lyrics... babe. but at least she figured out how to say fuck like a normal person. "Gonna troll you" is also a lot. 5/10 doesn't hugely do it for me, would skip.

MBOBHFT: like this one more. she's doing that thing she does where there are more words crammed into the verse than she needs but the chorus really does it for me. 7.5/10

Down Bad: i like the dreamy vibes. weirdly reminds me of another song? specifically fuck it if i can't have him; my brain is itching. anyway 7/10? WAIT if i can't have you kelly clarkson. (not totally convinced that was it. still can't place it)

So Long, London: wish it had instruments? interesting cadence, reminds me of Lana a little. i wish she didn't use so many modifiers but it's a decent song 7/10

BDILH: y'know i like the message. she's right fuck swifties. we're handshake about this. this one is pretty good! 7.5/10. too long though. has the staying power of like a 4 min song (i think everyone was so extremely weird about this situation and it makes sense that she thinks so too)

FOTS: again i just want less synths. i like the chorus a lot actually. kinda over how she uses American. wait what's happening to this song. solid 7/10

Florida!!!: Florence!!! this one was a guaranteed hit for me. fav so far for sure. 9/10 going on the playlist (the no-skip tswift playlist)

Guilty as Sin?: starting to feel a little samey! not a ton of tempo differences on this album. wild to write a song about wanting this hard. feels kinda honest which is refreshing after midnights. not super my song but i don't hate it. 6.5/10 JESUS COMPARISON??? (this added a point. i feel like people throw out 'unhinged' about her when she's always struck me as an extremely precise planner but this was still a big moment for me. she should do more stuff like this. she should get weirder.)

WAoLOM?: stranger things ass imagery. i like the scream i want more variation in dynamics. pretty good song! i like it as a continuation of anti-hero. 8/10. on the playlist

ICFH(NRIC): we love talking about him and smoke i will be listening to colors. i wish it was faster! but i like it. 8/10

loml: again with the modifiers. nice lyrics in this one imo. kinda sounds like you're losing me. 8/10

ICDIWaBH: very mastermind intro! again w/ the thesaurus problem. thank you. thank you. faster song. 9/10 on the playlist. get a therapist fr girl

TSMWEL: she said you get one fast song. piano!!! honestly i like the way it builds and i like the paranoia. again, feels honest. 7.5/10

The Alchemy: i like it! reminds me of the archer + willow. god she loves a sports metaphor. i will listen to this more. 8.5/10

Clara Bow: kinda feels like an Olivia dig. been very interesting to see the progression of The Lucky One -> here. can't pretend you're not the establishment. 7/10

and just for fun - here it is in the glitter gel pen :P i had fun with this! i'll probably do it for the other tracks too - it was like pretending to be a reaction channel

[moe-broey]

Ok, sorry if this feels a bit unprompted negativity but given our previous convo about how they write Alcryst (or rather, how they write about him), this short convo feels like everything wrong with it. Which is a shame because I still really like him but this stuff drags him down so much for me :(

Man is displaying deeply concerning behavior and eageress to get himself killed for no reason other than despising himself and yet everyone around him is like "Ah, Classic Alcryst, always so humble and modest." and like- I think Hortensia is the only one to use the correct term: self-loathing.

And while I admit it is kinda funny during battles where he's one of your best units and he's like "sorry i am so worthless...", in the Somniel and during support it feels EXTREMELY concerning and yet no one is treating it seriously and even worse the game plays the funny music because man, self-loathing is peak comedy. DUDE WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING DRAG HIM TO A THERAPIST ASAP HE COULDN'T MAKE IT ANY MORE CLEAR HE'S GOING TO GET HIMSELF HURT

OH MY GOSH WAIT. I THINK. You made something click for me actually I figured out Why his treatment by the writing feels So Bad

Like. This exchange didn't sit right with me either, but I kind of just shrugged it off like, eh, what can you do. Dumb writing will happen. But. Here's what I'm thinking.

I THINK. IF THIS DIALOGUE WAS ABOUT LAPIS. IT WOULD WORK SO MUCH BETTER. Because the thing about Lapis, is she IS very modest and humble, and if that's your first impression of her, it doesn't feel too bad. Because, that's exactly how she carries herself. And as you get to know her, it's very clear she does have self-esteem issues that directly ties into her being "humble" and "modest" -- she has low confidence. And, if you dig deeper, you find the route cause -- she's deeply self-conscious about how she was poor growing up, and I'd even go as far as to say the experience of growing up like that was traumatic for her. It still has lingering effects, where she's constantly scavenging and squirreling things away. (ESP significant when you consider her position is vastly different now -- she's working for royalty. She HAS to have security in a way she didn't have before. And yet, she's still acting as if she doesn't, still operating as if she's in survival mode.)

I think, Lapis' self image issues are handled so much better than Alcryst's. Like, it actually feels like I'm not explaining or expressing it well, but... the way Lapis is, how she carries herself and how her past is such a painful ever-present part of her, it's handled with nuance and care. You can See just how much it still hurts her, you can actually see that she has a Lot of unresolved issues about it, in the way she tries to hide her background and the way she snaps and breaks down if pushed too far about it. And even the way she talks down about herself, it's sad for sure, but it feels grounded. Also, there Are instances where she wishes for more for herself -- wishes, didn't feel this way about herself (esp thinking about her supports w Rosado). It's handled very well.

MEANWHILE, the way Alcryst's issues are handled.... in-universe and by the writing in general. There's. Actually so much to unpack here. But what you made click for me, WAS pointing out how he's clearly engaging in dangerous behavior. Which made me think, OH, he has. Another issue altogether actually. Like... with this level of self-loathing, and this level of Eagerness to put himself in danger. It does read like he could have suicidal ideation. Which. I mean, I know Engage is largely lighthearted, but if they took that angle more in his character, like... I think it would make a lot of sense. He has some prominent warning signs.

Like, I like that you said "eagerness", because it really IS the difference between him and Lapis (and Citrinne as well!). Lapis and Citrinne have resolve, a willingness and deep devotion to Alcryst. They're Willing to endanger themselves for his sake, because they fully understand it's part of their duty as retainers, it's something they wholeheartedly believe in and Want to dedicate themselves to. Meanwhile, Alcryst... he's just not well. Like. It's abundantly clear he's not well.

AND. Finally sort of getting to unpacking like. How this is treated in-universe. I think all these things considered, THAT'S why it feels so bad. Alcryst is showing clear signs of being extremely mentally unwell, maybe even cries for help, and over and over it's dismissed by the writing as comedic AND dismissed by the characters around him as Alcryst being kind, in his own "funny" way. Classic Alcryst! So humble. So modest.

Now, here's something I've been thinking about in all of this... I think, for some characters, it would actually make a lot of sense for them to regard him this way. I'm ESPECIALLY thinking of Lapis. It would make complete sense for her to idealize him, misconstruing these things about him in the process. It's clear she has feelings for him, for one, but also, I think she sees a lot of herself in him -- which may cause her to project onto him, too. Which blinds her, in a few different ways -- the main one being, I think, is how each is handling their issues. Yes, Lapis very much carries her past and the unresolved issues that came with it wherever she goes, seeping into every interaction she has. It consumes her. But, from like. An, "Is She In Any Danger Because of It" standpoint, she seems to be in the clear. I think, maybe, it would make sense, if in all of her romanticization of him and projection onto him, but not quite being in that dark place herself -- it may be very easy for her to look over it or call it something else (his Kindness, Humility, Modesty, ect -- maybe even bravery too, when it's actually just recklessness and little to no regard for what happens to himself).

But for other characters. My god, I wish they could just See it and call it what it is, exactly like Hortensia does. I wish the game ITSELF did that, actually. Because, I think THAT was the thing about Alcryst that I just couldn't place or put words to, how, I do love him, I do think he's funny, and I do like the parallels between him and Takumi -- how, each struggle interpersonally and from various Horrors, but. They're perceptive. And they're kind. But, there was just something I couldn't place, that felt Bad. And I think it is, the writing itself being dismissive and cavalier about the very heavy issues Alcryst is portraying. AND, almost trying to portray the issues as something else? As if it isn't That Bad. It's funny!! Or misguided bravery!! Heroic, even!! Like.... oof. That. Does not sit well.

And like. That's not even to say you Can't make his traits and tendencies funny. Cause exactly what you said, it IS SO FUNNY when Alcryst is one of your MVPs and you talk to him and he's just the saddest wettest poor little guy in the whole wide world like "I'm sorry :( I know I'm a burden :(" like BUDDY..... you are a crit and dodging machine of death and murder and you single handedly carried us to victory LMFAOOO -- ALSO. One of my FAVE moments in my playthrough was when he made like, a PERFECT meal, and he was like. "Oh.... I'm so sorry....... if it's not very good ..........." LIKE BUDDY!!!!!!! COME ON!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S OKAY YOU'RE DOING GREAT I PROMISE!!!!! Little moments like that, and I think in some supports as well if the context feels right for it, I think he can def have funny moments!!!

I'm SO sorry LMFAOOO I FEEL LIKE. I'VE BEEN TALKING IN CIRCLES AND GOING ON SO MANY TANGENTS. BUT. MAYBE. WHAT I WAS TRYING TO ILLUSTRATE HERE. Is it's extremely fucked up actually, for them to write a character who's showing some scary warning signs, only to dismiss those warning signs and say they're something else, even down to silly goofy music like. Espppp in how I just, largely ignored it, dismissing myself as "bad writing lmfao" or "a bit much" but like. While those things could be true, it's so fucked up that like.... the game itself makes you inclined to dismiss it. Maybe only leaving you with a few qualms and a nagging feeling, that something. Isn't quite right here.

[jamzandbamz]

Part 2/2

I wonder if Jeff's previous youtube title choice meant anything in any significant way lol. Just a personal thought but as soon as I saw it I was like, "wait you have to be comfortable with that sentiment to claim it, right?" I know the algorithm is king lmao but would he have done that while pursuing the other G? It's not something to read into that much but it feels like something a more unattached Jeff would say. 🤔

If he's not unattached and he's still interested, maybe there have been some unavoidable barriers between them. It's interesting how G was traveling first, then he was, then he got sick... 😮 if anything else happens between them it would have to happen right around now, I guess, once he's caught up on work.

I can't remember when G deleted her tweet, but my guess is that she either wanted some privacy or is feeling some mortification after saying too much on their dates, especially since things may have gone silent on his end.

It's worth mentioning that she's very candid. This week she said she overshared on the V-day date, last week she said something vague about saying or doing too much and wanting to run away from LA and hide, so I'm assuming it's mostly related to the date. Idk if it's trauma dumping or maybe anxiety or if she's been through it recently, but it's interesting that she regrets it bc it means she's aware of it.

In one of the first vids of hers I clicked on, she opened up a lot about her family situation. It was interesting. She said that her mom has been an addict (alcohol +) for many years, since her childhood. She implied that they are on bad terms and said that she doesn't even speak to her anymore. She also opened up about historically having many friendship problems that repeat in various ways. She also said that her number one problem with herself is that she "hates herself." That's so tough, I feel for her but I also am curious about how she's approaching things now. I feel hopeful for her bc in her recent vids it sounds like she is all about making an effort to transcend her limitations rather than live out her programming, so I hope it all comes through for her 💗

But again, and this is just my opinion, Jeff, in contrast, who has rebelled, gone to jail, etc., still seems to have had a stable, well-meaning set of parents, a seemingly normal dynamic with them, and overall a relatively good upbringing with healthy bonding. I think he is able to form healthy romantic relationships and maintain them for a long time. This is the main reason why I can't realistically see Jeff going all in permanently unless she has experienced healing. I'm not here to judge and she seems very self aware and conscious of her patterns, so I think she'll find her way, but what she said did draw my attention.

Jeff has such a compassionate side, and I think he is calming and wanted to listen to her on the date when she opened up, and does like her, but I think he can sense if a new person can bond similarly in whatever budding dynamic he has with someone. Again, just my two cents.

I'll share this quickly, but I met with an amazing therapist and author a few years ago who shared that we form our subconscious concept of companionship through our relationships with our same gender parent (weird but interesting, there is more of a sibling vibe), and that we replicate it in our partnerships because companionship is at the foundation of romantic love. It's a major predictor of marital difficulty/success.

As far as personality/chemistry....I do think there is a lot of chemistry between them. She's a more confident version of Cierra to me. But I kinda do also feel a power clash. Do you feel that? Remember that psychic friend of his who said "don't marry your mother" LOL. It's just coming to mind.

This is kinda old news now BUT I'm happy to hear that the date went well and that Jeff makes her feel comfortable. My consistent impression is that he is not weird and doesn't make things unpleasant one-on-one, I remember the Godfather members saying he was always so friendly and easy to talk to. Still, it's sort of bizarre and ironic that SHE may have been the one to risk things and scare him off by being so candid, but I hope she feels better about it. I wonder what Jeff was really thinking.

So bottom line I think she likes him but is worrying about having fumbled things. And I think Jeff will decide eventually that she is not for him, unless she changes her mind first. She *has* followed him for a while, met three times, said she gets attached quickly...and doesn't seem to be deterred so far, so if they did start dating it wouldn't be surprising. She wants Jeff (unlike the prior sitch). But realistically, while I could see them possibly dating for a little bit... I can practically hear Jeff saying "it just didn't work out." I do kinda want to see him in a relationship tho. But I might take that back. 🤣🤣

I wrote a lot more than I expected!! I do think she's sweet and seems kindhearted so I hope she's doing well and the everything winds up working out for the best Xx

[stardewtales]

Your shane x reader are some of the first I read when i got into sdv, and they still hold a li special place in my heart <3 I love the way you wrote shane, jas, and the farmer (you kept the farmer rather neutral, but you still gave her moments of personality, rlly great stuff!), anyway, I'd love any shane related stuff you would do, but if your looking for a request, the reader teaching him abt farming/gardening (planting hot peppers together eee) i think would be rlly cute-ok bye lysm!!!

A/N: hey lovely!! If you're still around, thank you so much for this. I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to get to your request, but here it is! Hope it lives up to your expectations xx

Shane can feel you hovering behind him.

"What is it," he groans, not bothering to turn around.

"Sorry," he hears you say. "Just, be careful with the roots, please? I don't want all your work to be for nothing."

Well, he can't exactly fault you for that. If anything, he's ashamed because he was distracted while you showed him the whole thing about the roots.

He turns to look at you. "Would you, uh... mind showing me again?"

His stomach twists as you smile at him, thoroughly amused. "Sure thing. Here, let me get in there..."

You kneel beside him, knees firmly planted in the dirt beside his. You proceed to show him how to dig around the roots instead of into them for a second time that afternoon. For a second time, he finds it hard to focus with you so close, but he fights that a little harder this time.

"Here," you hand him back the trowel, "give it another shot."

He can't miss the way the look you give him is so damn encouraging. You've given him plenty of variations on that look by now, with various degrees of concern thrown into the mix. He proceeds to try digging up the pepper plant again, the sun boring down on the back of his neck as he does it.

"Am I getting it right, now?" he asks, glancing up at you quickly.

"Couldn't do it better myself," you nod exaggeratedly, and he fakes throwing dirt at you in retaliation.

It gets a laugh out of you, clear and joyful. It stirs something inside him, the feeling that's been nagging at him sort of often these days. It hits him like a ton of bricks in that moment that this is the feeling he used to chase all the way down the bottles, the sort of rush he used to think would make up for everything else.

He must've made a face when he realized it, because your brows furrow in concern.

"Are you o-" you start, but you're cut off short by a girlish squeal further down the field.

Him and you both shoot up, surveying the surroundings.

"Jas?" you half-shout, concerned.

"I think I need some help," her voice pipes up sheepishly, and the two of you finally spot her, fallen on her butt among the sunflowers.

You huff, relieved, and tell him you've got it with a brief touch on his arm before you leave in Jas's direction. Now that he knows she's not hurt, he can go back to making sense of his thoughts, yet he barely registers the lingering feeling of your fingers on his forearm.

He kneels and gets back to work, distraught. His first instinct is to worry. The therapist Harvey connected him with cautioned him pretty early on about the way some addicts replaced one addiction with another, and that all good things should perhaps be enjoyed in moderation while he was on the road to recovery.

You're the best thing in his life by far, but he failed to keep you at arm's length a long time ago now. He's not dense enough to be unaware that he's developed some pretty strong feelings for you. But this particular feeling is new-ish, and he doesn't quite know what to make of it. As his fingers dig up the pepper plant out of the ground and he gently removes chunks of dirt from the roots, Shane hopes really hard this doesn't mean he's allowed himself to veer all the way of the right path he's been trying so hard to stick to.

He hates to think about it, but maybe he needs to cool off on seeing you so often so he can at least get a grip. He can't even recall the last time he went a day without seeing you. Sometime in the spring, probably? It's the very end of summer now.

After he's transferred the plant to the wheelbarrow, Shane stands up and looks around. You're still helping Jas uproot some sunflowers, even though her initial job was just to collect the stray seeds. Officially, he and her were there to help you wrap up the summer crops so you could transfer some to your greenhouse. In reality, he was helping you; Jas was causing more trouble than she was helping, but you didn't seem to mind at all, more than happy to show her over and over how to handle things properly.

He didn't know how you did it. It's like you had an endless well of patience, and he knew he ought to have reached the pit of it by now. And yet, he had not. There were depths to your kindness that reached far enough that even after dealing with him through his recovery, you still had plenty left for Jas in all her fumblings and ill-advised adventures.

For the rest of the afternoon Shane managed to clear his mind and just keep working somewhat efficiently. Marnie came around just before dinnertime to get Jas, who was too exhausted from running around by then to protest. Marnie had also let him know she'd save him a portion of dinner for when he came home, but to take his time, which he'd made sure to thank her for.

It wasn't long until Jas left before you and him moved on to replanting the uprooted plants into the greenhouse. He liked that part more than the digging up; liked the hazy warmth of the greenhouse more than the blaring heat of the field. The two of you worked mostly in silence, both exhausted, him perhaps more than you.

After you planted the last of yours and he was halfway through his own last plant, he heard you clap your hands together to shake the dirt off your gloves, before you fully shrieked.

"What's wrong?" he quickly turned towards you.

"Your neck!" you replied, walking over to him. "Did you not put on sunscreen like I told you to?"

Shane instinctively reaches for the back of his neck, and while the sunburn doesn't hurt yet, he can feel the tell-tale heat coming off of it.

"Ah, shit. Think I missed a spot."

You tut at him, shooing his hand off so you can take a better look.

"You big idiot," you chastise him affectionately. "You're lucky I have an infinite amount of aloe in the house from last summer."

**************

As Shane steps out of the shower and into your steam-filled bathroom, he can already tell he'll be sore from all this work. He doesn't know how you do this every day. He tries to get a look at himself in the mirror, but it's too fogged up. Probably better that way, he thinks.

He's used your shower plenty of times before, and he's glad that at the very least it doesn't feel as awkward as it used to. While he was still in the pits of getting sober, you'd graciously let him stay over on your couch so Jas didn't have to see him struggle when it got too hard. He still doesn't know why you did that, or how to repay you for it.

After putting on his clothes, he steps out into your living room, where you're waiting for him with a huge tub of the goo you intend to smear on his sunburn. You've showered too, and made him do it after you because otherwise you claimed he'd just wash off the aloe later, which was probably right.

"C'mere," you beckon him over to sit on the arm of your couch.

He chuckles. It's funny to him, how bossy you get when you're trying to take care of him. Nevertheless, he does as he's told and dutifully sits down like you instruct him. And waits.

Nothing happens.

"You okay back there?" he asks, looking over his shoulder.

You raise a brow. "Aren't you gonna take off your shirt? How am I supposed to get this on you otherwise?"

He feels a bubble of panic rush up. He's in better shape than he used to be, but he's still not much to look at, and he doesn't like the idea of you finding that out like this. "Is that really necessary?"

You sigh, and he knows there will be no convincing you. He feels the tips of his ears burn as he lifts his shirt over his head, dropping it at his feet and taking precious care not to look back at you. "Happy?" he mumbles.

"Hmhm," you hum quietly behind him.

You bring your aloe-coated fingers to his burning skin, and instantly he feels consumed by ice-cold flames. He was not prepared for you to touch him quite so gently, to work the gel into his skin in tiny, careful circles. His throat runs dry as he's reminded of his earlier conclusion that he needs to take some time away from you, for both of your sakes. If the way his body is reacting to this isn't proof, he doesn't know what would be.

You let him know you're done, and he promptly puts his shirt back on. He wishes he hadn't when the stickiness gets a hold of the collar.

"So, just a heads up," you start, screwing the jar of aloe vera shut, "I'm gonna be really busy tomorrow I think. So maybe hanging out in the evening when I'm done would be better?"

He's taken aback by the way this is coming up faster than he anticipated. Still, No time like the present I guess, he thinks to himself.

"About that," he clears his throat, "I think it might be better if I spend some alone time for a while."

He watches you still. You look up at him slowly, visibly confused. "Have I done something wrong?" you ask, and it kills him. "I'm sorry if I have, I know I can be a little overbearing sometimes," you start to ramble, but he cuts you off.

"No, no, none of that," he tries to reassure you. "It's just, uh, how do I say this," he scratches at his head, genuinely at a loss. "Remember how I told you my therapist said I should, like, maybe be careful about things I enjoy a lot? And about... strong emotions?"

You nod, but he can tell from your slight frown you're still confused.

"Well, it's kinda like that. I feel really good when I'm with you. Maybe a little too good. Strong stuff. But I don't wanna depend on you to feel... good. I wanna keep this healthy, yeah?"

You ponder his words, and he can tell he hasn't really gotten his point across. "I mean, I think I get where you're coming from, maybe? But Shane, I think it's okay for you to have a support system. Is it really so bad if being with a friend makes you feel good? I think that's how most people feel."

He shakes his head, huffing. "No, it's not like that."

"Then what is it like?"

His eyes meet yours, and he feels weak. "Please don't make me say it," he whispers.

"Shane," you reach out to touch his shoulder, "You're worrying me."

He swallows. Before he knows it, it tumbles out of him. "I have feelings for you. I have for a while. And lately it's gotten a little out of control. So I need some time away from you to get over it, okay? I don't want things to be weird. I need you too much to have things be weird. So I need to figure it out before it gets there."

You stare at him, and he sees so many emotions run across your face that he gets dizzy.

"You... what?" you say quietly after a while.

He feels heat rise from his chest all the way to his ears, like some twisted type of nausea. "Forget it, alright? That's not the point I'm trying to make. I just..." he breathes, "I'll see you in a few days, yeah?"

He doesn't wait for a response. He goes for the door right away, in a real hurry to leave this place where everything is so blatantly yours, down to the smell of your lotion lingering in the air from your bare legs.

But you don't let him leave. He feels your hand on his arm, a real grip this time, and the next thing he knows you're reaching for his neck and bringing his mouth to meet yours. Shane thinks he's forgotten how to make his blood run, how to make his lungs breathe, how to make his limbs move. You're pressing your lips on his with a fervor he didn't even know you had in you. Then, with an instinct of its own, his body kicks back into gear, and he feels himself wrapping his arms around you, bringing you closer yet as he pours all the energy he has left into kissing you back.

It's desperation that compels him, because he never imagined this would ever happen outside of his mind, outside of his daydreams. He's not even convinced he'll ever get to do it again, so he's making this one count.

He genuinely has no idea how much time has passed when you break away from him, panting. You're not saying anything, just searching his eyes with yours.

"Please say something," he eventually breathes.

He watches as you swallow, then exhale loudly. "I don't want to see you in a few days only. I wanna see you now and in the middle of the night and every moment of every day. I don't want you to go and get over me, because I don't think I'll be able to get over you if you do, Shane. So don't leave me. Stay. Please."

Your words fluster him a great deal more than he already is. "Okay," he nods, in a half-daze.

"Yeah?" you make sure, still catching your breath.

"Yeah," he confirms. "Anything for you. Of course."

[hexensalbei]

forgive and forget

Find it on ao3

When TK meets the 118 again, he quickly notices that thereʼs something off about Buck and Eddie. He mightʼve seen them only once but he senses that somethingʼs wrong. The tension between them is noticeable, uncomfortable. Odd. It reminds TK of his parents when they were divorcing. And maybe it is a divorce, in a way. TKʼs not usually a nosy guy — he doesnʼt meddle too much in his friendsʼ lives — but itʼs Buck and Eddie weʼre talking about. Since that crazy fires that happened in Texas, he and Buck got pretty close. He considers Buck his friend — and he knows the feelingʼs mutual. Buck has told him about many things — heʼs shared story about his fucked up childhood, his dead brother, his many issues, troubles in relationship with Taylor — but one thing is still like a taboo: his feelings for Eddie. Oh, TK has heard about Eddie and Christopher a lot; Buck mentions them almost in every conversation, the joy and fondness dripping in his voice. But he always closes off when TK hints that his feelings may not be platonic. Or, he used to do it because he didnʼt bring up his best friendʼs name for quite a while. Not since he told TK about Eddieʼs departure from the 118. He ranted about it for over an hour, repeatedly apologising TK for the self-pity and then, he never said Eddieʼs name out loud again. Truthfully, it has concerned TK to the point when he told Carlos about everything and wanted to get in touch with Hen to make sure Buckʼs okay.

And now, he finds out Eddieʼs back and everything should be okay — but itʼs not. Buckʼs really cheery, he smiles a lot but TK suspects itʼs just a facade. He knows a thing or two about putting on a happy mask and pretending everythingʼs perfectly fine. Maybe thatʼs why he doesnʼt buy Buckʼs act and pays more attention to whatever is going on between him and Eddie. He notices the distance, their lack of touch — last time they were in Texas, they were glued together if no one forced them to split up. Now, the only thing thatʼs left is the insane amount of glances they give each other if the other one is not looking. They are clearly still pining for each other even though it seems like their friendship is hanging by a thread. Itʼs insane and exhausting, TK thinks. He feels the urge to just shake them both and force them to talk.

He casually approaches Hen when neither Buck nor Eddie are around. He feels like she would be totally interested in his plan and might share some priceless details with him.

“You still alive after my dadʼs lecture about skincare routine and interior design?” He asks, smiling playfully.

“Well, that man is a man of passion.” Hen chuckles and looks at captain Strand whoʼs now talking with Bobby and Athena. “And donʼt worry, Iʼm used to talk about many random things — I work with Buck — and my wifeʼs a rocket scientist. It was lovely to talk again with your dad.”

“And nobody and I mean nobody can weasel out from a lecture about skincare. He even tried to teach Gabriel — Carlosʼ dad — how to moisturise skin but it was a failure.” TK laughs quietly at the memory of his dad and future father-in-law quarreling like an old married couple if itʼs really necessary for Mr. Reyes to change his habits. “But... Speaking of Buck: whatʼs going on between him and Eddie?”

Hen doesnʼt look surprised by this question, not even in the slightest. She just sighs and turns her head to see if the mentioned couple is somewhere nearby.

“You picked it up too?” She asks and continues, not waiting for the answer. “Itʼs more like nothing is going on between them. Weʼve all been upset about Eddie leaving but not as much as Buck. Heʼs... He was in a really bad state, Bobby even made sure he was seeing his therapist. Last year wasnʼt the easiest for him and when Eddie left, he kinda lost his best friend.”

“He told me about it.” TK cuts in. “Well, he just said Eddie left the 118 and he never mentioned him again which was very weird. He didnʼt even mention that Eddie came back and weʼre talking like a lot.”

“He hasnʼt talked about it with any of us — and weʼve all tried to do it but Buckʼs too stubborn. I just know that theyʼve barely seen each other and talked to each other while Eddie was on a break. And, honestly, I donʼt blame him. This man has been through a lot and everyone understands why he made that decision, including Buck. But... It doesnʼt change the fact that it hurt like a bitch, especially Buckaroo and his abandonment issues. And when Eddie came back... They didnʼt talk about it because both of them are pig-headed as hell and they canʼt talk about their feelings like mature people. If they did, theyʼd be already married.” Hen sighs again and looks at TK. “Itʼs really annoying. The atmosphere in the station is... Tense. I mean, we all joke and talk like usual but it doesnʼt feel the same. Eddieʼs now paired up with me, Buckʼs usually working with Ravi... And I love Eddie, I do, but I miss working with Chim. I can communicate with him without words, we know each other so well, we donʼt have to say anything. Buck and Eddie were our superior duo and they were even better than us and itʼs bothering almost everyone.”

“Yeah, I get that. Itʼs not easy to get used to having a new partner and learn how we work together.” TK agrees. “Do you think Iʼd make a great mistake if I tried to talk with them? Separately, of course. Or force them to talk about their feelings?”

Hen smiles — and itʼs kind of a sad smile — and answers, “you should definitely try it. Maybe theyʼd be more willing to listen to what you have to say. Believe me, weʼre all just tired of that situation and we come up with more and more ridiculous ideas. I say, try to talk with them and if it doesnʼt work, maybe we should really just lock them in a closet and not let them out until they talk.”

“This is weirdly a very tempting idea.” TK admits, a sly grin appearing on his face. “Thanks, Hen.”

“Donʼt forget to come back to me to scheme if the peaceful option doesnʼt work.”

━━━━━━━

“Hey, man.” TK comes up closer and sits on an empty chair next to Buck. Theyʼre at Rydersʼ house, chilling after a wonderful afternoon. The sun is setting over the horizon and bathes Austin in a golden glow. Owen, Tommy, Hen and Bobby with Athena are in the living room, discussing something very vividly; Judd and Grace went with Maddie and Chim to their daughterʼs room and Eddie is somewhere in the kitchen with Carlos, Paul, Nancy, Marjan and Mateo. Buck was sitting all alone on the outside, with the bottle of beer in his hands and he looked completely lost in thoughts. “I think my dad has finally found the right person to have discussions with.” He adds, watching interactions between his dad and Athena.

“He doesn’t have a chance to win with Athena, trust me. She’s a force to be reckoned with.” Buck answers, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. It looks like he’s okay, that he’s content and relaxed — but TK notices that the smile doesn’t reach his eyes.

“Are you okay?” He asks cautiously, looking at his friend. “And please, don’t say you’re fine because I know it’s bullshit.”

Buck doesn’t answer. He’s sipping his beer slowly, eyes focused on the bottle. TK’s patient; he doesn’t rush him to reply, he doesn’t repeat the question. He knows Buck’s not ignoring him — he just needs some time to gather himself.

“I’m not.” He finally says. His voice is a little bit shaky, quiet. “I haven’t been okay for a while now. I… Don’t like to feel sorry for myself and whine because there are people who have real problems and —”

“Buckley, I swear to God, I’ll kick your ass.” TK interrupts him, slightly raising his voice. “Your problems are real problems and I want to hear about them, okay? I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to.”

“Okay, okay. Sorry, it’s just… A lot. Maddie’s post-postpartum, her escape, Chim being angry with me, Eddie being shot and then his leaving…” Buck stops abruptly, realising he mentioned his best friend again.

“But he’s back, isn’t he?” TK asks calmly. “He’s back and from what I could see, he misses you.”

Buck lets out a heavy sigh and finally looks at his friend.

“I miss him too,” he says hesitantly. And then, as if something crumbles inside him, he starts talking. “I miss him even though he’s back and everything should be fine. But… I don’t know, I feel so angry with him. I can’t even fully explain it, I just am and I want to yell at him. I want to yell at him because since the shooting, since he told me about his will, something has changed and we’ve grown apart. We haven’t even talked about the shooting, not once. And I know he’s not okay, he’s still pretending that it didn’t affect him and I’m here, I still see him on the ground, I still feel like I have his blood on my hands, on my face and —”

His voice is breaking; he needs a moment to calm himself and TK comes closer and embraces him in a hug.

“I — It’s very hard for me to forget about it. It’s even harder to forget that he literally made me Christopher’s legal guardian in case he dies. He told me about it when he was still in the hospital and we’ve never mentioned it again.”

TK raises an eyebrow, clearly surprised by this revelation. He’s shocked but it only makes him sure he’s right about Eddie’s feelings.

“And we barely talked about his panic attacks, about his break up with Ana and we were held hostage and the prisoner pointed a gun at him and I totally freaked out. We’ve never talked about it too and I don’t believe it hasn’t left any impact on him. And then, he left the 118. I’m so mad at him because he swore nothing would come between us, that we won’t grow apart but we did. I understand why he made that decision and I know it was the right decision because Christopher always comes first but he literally shut me off. It’s like we’ve never been friends and I feel like maybe I did something wrong, that maybe I overstepped and he grew tired of me, I don’t know. I broke up with Taylor shortly after and I haven’t even told him — or anyone, to be honest. And now he’s back and I should be happy but I don’t know what I feel anymore.”

“I think it’s a very natural reaction,” says TK after a moment of silence, “you two were extremely close and some bad, crazy things have happened and neither of you have processed them, you haven’t talked about it. It would affect any relationship I think.”

“I’ve tried to talk about it, TK, I’ve tried but Eddie has always responded very vaguely and changed the topic.”

“Sounds exactly like you when I was asking you if your feelings are not platonic.” TK allows himself to tease Buck a little bit and it does the trick because Buck huffs but the corners of his mouth lift up.

“You’re a menace, Strand. I open up and talk about my feelings and all you do is mock me. Not cool, dude, not cool.” He jokes and he spontaneously hugs his friend.

“I just state facts, man. I know it’s hard to open up again, be vulnerable and let yourself love someone. Sometimes it’s hard to admit it — I know that, I’ve been there. It took me a while to admit that I love Carlos. I was scared, I’ve tried to fight it but look at us now. We’re together, we’re happy and I really think he’s the one.”

“Well, at least you knew he wasn’t straight, though.”

“And you think Eddie is? Lord have mercy,” TK rolls his eyes, “this man legally tied you to his family, he wants you to raise his son and he literally broke up with his girlfriend after you told him to do so. You really think Eddie doesn’t feel the same? Oh, and he looked like a kicked puppy today when he was staring at you.”

Buck looks baffled, like he doesn’t believe Eddie could be looking at him and it kinda amuses TK.

“He was staring at you, like all the time. When you weren’t watching.” He clarifies. “I really think you two should just talk and clear up some things. It would definitely help, though.”

“That depends on Eddie, he’s the stubborn one.” Buck huffs again; he’s still not entirely convinced that his best friend might be in love with him but TK’s words make a lot of sense.

“Said the pot to the kettle,” mutters TK, “anyway, you will do what you want but I’m always here for you and you can really talk with me about anything. I’m no Eddie but I’m a good listener and I’m also pretty good at cheering people up so call me, text me whenever you want.”

“No, you’re not Eddie but you’re awesome too, man.” Buck says honestly. The anger, insecurity, anxiety is still there, somewhere but he actually feels lighter after talking with TK. He feels happy — not entirely, of course — but he might even enjoy the rest of the evening.

“You should mention this to Judd, he still refuses to acknowledge my awesomeness.” TK grimaces and Buck bursts out laughing.

“I definitely will.”

━━━━━━━

Buck’s change of mood doesn’t go unnoticed and he’s quickly sucked into the conversation between two captains (Owen doesn’t miss a chance to ask about Buck’s haircare and it seems like he’s satisfied with the answer). TK wanders around the house and he smiles sweetly when he notices his boyfriend.

“Hey, babe,” he murmurs, planting a small kiss on his lips, “you good?”

“Yeah,” says Carlos softly and puts his hand on TK’s waist. “How did your conversation with Buck go?”

“Wasn’t as bad as I thought, I learned some interesting things about their friendship. They’re even more into each other than I’ve thought.” TK admits.

“Eddie saw you two snuggling earlier and he seemed pretty upset. To be fair, he looked miserable for the whole time we’ve been talking.”

“Oh, that’s good. I mean, it’s bad but also good. Maybe it will push Eddie to do something.” TK states. “Where is he anyway? Maybe I will talk with him too.”

Carlos chuckles and looks at his boyfriend with pure admiration. “He went to talk with his son,” he answers and adds. “Have I told you that I really admire your dedication?”

“It’s just that… I really want them to be together, I think they’re meant to be together and all they need to do is talk about their feelings.” TK explains, knowing that Carlos will understand him.

“And you tell me you’re not a hopeless romantic,” Carlos laughs and kisses him.

“Hey, you two lovebirds, go find a room.” They hear Marjanʼs very amused voice from the kitchen.

“Oh, fuck off, Marwani!” TK shouts at her and shows her middle finger. Marjanʼs only response is laughter.

“Judd would totally kill them if they did anything in one of his rooms.” Paul notices, winking at the couple. “Donʼt encourage them — especially TK — to do something naughty, Marj.”

“Me? Encouraging them to do anything? Never!”

“I think Iʼve heard something similar from Chimʼs mouth right after he was scolded by Bobby when he found out about the bet Chim had with me and Buck.” Eddieʼs words make both Carlos and TK turn around.

“Do we wanna know what bet it was?” TK asks carefully. “Knowing Buck it was probably hella stupid.”

“You say it like he’s the only one stupid in the team,” Eddie chuckles lightly, “but trust me, we’re just as stupid as him. There’s always some bet going on in the 118.”

“You make me want to transfer,” TK laughs. “I think I’d have so much fun there.”

“You would, that’s for sure.” Eddie agrees and then falls silent. It seems like something else (or someone else) is on his mind and TK’s not sure if he wants to bother him.

“Alright, who wants another beer?” Carlos asks, breaking the silence and smiles brightly. “Maybe we can play some board games, I know Grace has a nice collection of them.”

Both Eddie and TK agree and they’re going to the living room to ask Grace about the games and convince others to join them. It’s not difficult — everyone’s in, even Buck who’s hesitant, nervously glancing at his best friend. Eventually, he agrees too and they all start to play.

TK’s a little bit distracted during the game — he’s mostly focused on observing what’s going on between Buck and Eddie — who somehow ended up sitting next to each other and they’re very much aware of the other man’s closeness — but Carlos saves his ass.

“Don’t they see how insane this is?” TK whispers to his boyfriend when he notices that Eddie accidentally touches Buck’s hand and Buck blushes but pretends he didn’t feel it.

“Babe, I don’t think they see this the same way we do. Just give them a little bit more time, let them talk. Alone.” Carlos answers. “You can nudge them in the right direction, you can encourage them to talk but other things they have to figure out on their own.”

“I know,” TK sighs heavily, “I know.”

━━━━━━━

Turns out, it’s not TK who gets the chance to talk with Eddie. It’s Carlos — who’s definitely surprised when he sees Diaz walking up to him some time later. Buck’s playing with TK, Paul, Marjan, Nancy and Mateo and it seems they have a lot of fun.

“You don’t wanna play anymore?” Eddie asks, sitting next to him on the couch.

“Nah, watching them play is even more entertaining than being a part of the game.” Carlos explains, smiling politely at another man.

“Yeah, I can see that. They’re all very competitive.” Eddie notices; he’s looking at his best friend who’s currently whispering something to TK. They burst out laughing and Eddie winces involuntarily. It’s very subtle and it disappears from his face very quickly but Carlos sees it anyway. He doesn’t want to pry, he knows that it might be very uncomfortable for Eddie, that he might not want to talk about it so he pretends he didn’t notice.

“They are. I think that competitiveness just runs in the Strand family. Mateo is still traumatised after that one time when he was Owen’s roommate and they got drunk together. I think Judd was up for some challenge with him too.”

Eddie raises an eyebrow and glances at Carlos.

“And you are marrying into this family?”

“Maybe one day. If TK says yes.”

“You think he could say anything else?”

Carlos looks at Eddie with curiosity. He’s a little bit surprised by the question; he certainly didn’t expect to talk about his relationship with someone else — someone who is, allegedly, in love with his best friend. He furrows his brows, wondering about the answer.

“Honestly? No. I’m sure he’d say yes. I just think he’s not ready yet. He once proposed to a guy and it didn’t end well. It was right before he moved to Texas and he was in pretty bad shape for a while. I didn’t know that and I might’ve pushed him a little bit too far because I wanted to be in a serious relationship and he wasn’t ready for it. We probably wouldn’t be together now if we didn’t talk honestly about our issues. But we’re good now,” Carlos smiles adorably, “we live together, we know each other quite well and I think we both want the same things.”

“It must be nice to have this level of certainty.” Eddie sighs; his eyes are still on Buck. “I was definitely too young when I married Shannon, it wasn’t a well thought decision. Lately I’ve been thinking about marrying again but when Ravi just assumed me and Ana — my ex — were married, I kinda freaked out so maybe I’m just not a husband material.”

“Or maybe Ana wasn’t the right person?” Carlos suggests. “You know, I had few boyfriends, I was even almost engaged once but I’ve never thought about marriage. Until now, until I met TK. You don’t have to pressure yourself into thinking you have to get married. Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. Both options are perfectly fine — as long as you make the decision by yourself and don’t lie to yourself.”

Eddie’s quiet; he knows that Carlos is right, that he might’ve put too much pressure on himself and done some stupid things he’s now regretting.

“How do you…” He starts and then falls silent, not sure if he should ask Carlos that. Eventually, he musters up courage and asks, “when you fight with TK, how do you guys make up?”

“Oh,” blurts out Carlos, surprised once again by the question. “TK usually does the doe eyes and he apologises. I tend to do the same, I don’t like to beat around the bush, I prefer to just talk everything out. It’s nothing special.” He shrugs. He has always been a pretty straightforward guy, he doesn’t like messy situations. Thankfully, TK thinks alike and maybe that’s why they work their issues out very quickly.

“Huh, maybe I should follow your example and just say I’m sorry.” Eddie wonders.

“You’re thinking about Buck, right?” Carlos asks quietly.

“Yeah,” Eddie admits, “I owe him an apology. A very big one. I don’t know if he will forgive me, though.”

“You won’t find out until you try. I think it’s worth the risk.”

“Do you have any extra courage stored up? I think I could use some.” Eddie jokes, even though he still looks a little worried.

“Don’t worry. I’ve got plenty.”

━━━━━━━

Carlos and Eddie talk for another hour; it’s really nice — chatting with someone who turns out to have very similar views. Eddie doesn’t regret that he decided to join the younger man. He feels like it’s just the beginning of a very nice friendship. They discuss a lot of topics — their childhood in Texas, the differences between Austin and LA and family matters. They don’t even notice when Buck and TK are gone.

“Shit, it’s late,” says Eddie when he looks at his watch. “Maybe it’s time to call it a night.”

“Yeah, probably. You’re staying at our house, right?” Carlos ensures and Eddie only nods. They say goodbye to the hosts and get an Uber to Carlos’ apartment. They’re still talking when they enter the house.

“Man, this is a really nice house and I’ve only seen the hallway.” Eddie admits, looking around with curiosity.

“Thanks. We got pretty lucky, we found it maybe two or three weeks after my old apartment burned down.”

“And we reaaaaally didn’t want to live with my dad for too long. I love him but he’s not the easiest person to live with.” TK cuts in, a very pleased smile on his face.

“Probably like all parents. I wanted to move out from my parents’ house as soon as I could, they were really annoying too.” Eddie laughs. He’s about to add something else, but they all hear Buck’s amused voice.

“Dude, can I use that fancy conditioner of yours?” And then, he comes out of the bathroom with only a towel on his waist. He sharply stops when he notices his best friend, who seems to be equally surprised to see him here too.

“What is he doing here?” He asks, a hint of resentment in his voice. He looks at TK — who tries to hide the smug on his face.

“Well, he needs to sleep somewhere.” He shrugs as if it was just a mix-up, not something him and Carlos has planned. “Is it a problem? I don’t think my dad or Judd or Tommy will find any room to let one of you crash.”

“Well, that —” Eddie’s about to answer but Buck quickly interrupts him.

“No. No, it won’t be a problem, of course.”

“Then we’re all settled.” TK smiles broadly. He doesn’t add that they only have one guest room with only one bed; it doesn’t seem like an important thing to mention. “And yes, you can use my conditioner.”

Buck swiftly goes back to the bathroom but Eddie’s still in the same place, he doesn’t move even for a bit.

“Eddie, are you okay? Sorry, I really didn’t know Buck would be here too.” Carlos says apologetically.

“Yeah, m’kay. It happens. Besides, it’s only one night, we won’t kill each other.” Eddie reassures him and finally moves to sit on the couch.

The atmosphere in the living room is a little bit awkward, tense when Buck shows up again but neither TK nor Carlos pay attention to it and Eddie decides to take a shower. After a while, Buck yawns theatrically.

“I’m really tired, I think I’m going back to sleep. Night, boys.” He says, sending them a weak smile.

“Night, Buck. Have nice dreams.” Carlos answers. When he’s sure Buck is in the guest room, he asks his boyfriend. “Do you really wanna do it?”

TK smiles mischievously.

“Absolutely.”

“I really hope it’ll work out.” Carlos sighs. He wasn’t entirely convinced it’s a good idea — but agreed to do it anyway. To minimize the damage , he told himself. To be totally honest, he’s as much invested in this case as TK and he wants to see Buck and Eddie together.

Few minutes later, Eddie goes back to the living room. His hair is still wet but he’s already in his sleeping clothes and he looks a little bit tired.

“I think I’m gonna call it a night, it was a very long day.” He says tentatively.

“Yeah, same. Come on, l’ll show you your bedroom.” TK offers. Eddie nods; he’s too tired to think and maybe that’s why he doesn’t sense it’s a trap. He follows TK’s steps and even goes outside and then, he finally realises, TK led him to Buck’s room.

“Uh, sorry.” He says quietly when Buck glances at him. He takes a step back to go out and presses the doorknob but the door remains closed. “Fuck,” he mutters. He didn’t even hear the jingle of keys or lock twisting and now he’s trapped in one room with his best friend.

“Is it closed?” Buck finally breaks the silence and gets up from the bed. He checks the door himself and when nothing happens, he lets out an annoyed huff.

“Tyler Kennedy Strand, you are an absolute fucker!” He shouts and hears a giggle on the other side of the door.

“Don’t waste your voice on me, I won’t open the door. Have fun, boys.” TK replies, clearly entertained and very pleased with himself. Buck knows TK well enough to be convinced that he, indeed, won’t open the door. He should’ve known that his friend was up to something, that his behaviour was a little sketchy all evening. He’s gonna pay for it , he promises himself.

“So what are we doing?” Eddie asks, looking into Buck’s eyes. They’re so close to each other, closer than they’ve been in a month. Once it was something natural, they were basically inseparable and personal space didn’t exist in their vocabulary. And now, this is something weird, unusual.

“You can do whatever you want, I’m going to sleep.” Buck replies indifferently. He lies down on the bed and covers himself with a blanket.

“You know, there’s only one bed. And I’m not planning to sleep on the floor.” Eddie says; his voice is dripping with annoyance and sarcasm. He was relatively calm and collected but he’s just tired. Tired of this whole situation, tired of Buck treating him so coldly, tired of almost everything and his patience has its limits.

“Fine,” Buck sighs heavily and Eddie swears, he can see him rolling eyes. He ignores it and goes to bed. He tries to find a comfortable position to sleep — but it’s really difficult. The bed’s not big enough to fit two grown up men who want to sleep separately and not to touch each other accidentally.

“Are you done?” Buck asks sarcastically.

“Actually, no. I’m not done. I’m just done with you treating me like I don’t exist.”

Buck turns around abruptly and sits to face his best friend. The anger, pain is written all over his face and it’s hard for Eddie to see him like that.

“That’s rich. You were perfectly fine with ghosting me but when I kept our distance, you’re suddenly not okay with it?”

Eddie practically can feel the bitterness between them.

“I didn’t ghost you.” He says quietly. His friend snorts, ready to argue about it but Eddie doesn’t let him. “I’m sorry. I’ve never wanted it to happen. I… I didn’t do it on purpose, I swear. It was a really hard time for me. I needed to focus on Chris and I’m sure you understand it. I also had too much time to think, I was overthinking so many things, I was kinda freaking out. I realised some things and it was really scary.” He admits. He knows that this is the perfect opportunity to open up, to clear out things between them, to finally say something he wanted to say for a long time. “Buck, I’m not good with words but I know I should’ve talked with you and I know I hurt you. I want to fix it, if you give me a chance.”

Buck bites his lip, his eyes never leave Eddie’s.

“I’m so, so angry with you. You know, we’re best friends, we’re supposed to talk about stuff, we’re supposed to share our secrets, fears, we’re supposed to be honest with each other. We promised each other, after my stupid lawsuit, that we won’t keep secrets, that we will work out our issues. I’m angry because you’re not okay since shooting and I know that, I know you but you pretend like you’re fine. Like you brushed it off, forgot about it, like it didn’t affect you. You know what? It really affected me, I thought I’ve lost you — and I don’t know how I would survive if I did. I’m really so freaking angry because you’re not alone in this and I want to help you but you choose to cut me off. I’m angry because you didn’t say a word. You could’ve at least texted me and I was sure I’ve overstepped and you just got tired of me. I’m really pissed off that I’m angry at you — I don’t wanna be because you’re back but I just — I can’t. I’m angry because I still miss you even though you’re here and —”

“I miss you too, Evan.” Eddie interrupts him gently. He moves a little closer, closing the distance between them. “I miss you and I want my best friend back. I want my best friend who is also someone I realised I’m in love with.”

And, like that, the truth is out, and Eddie is not panicking, he doesn’t feel the regret coming in. He’s… Good. Happy. He sees how the confusion on Buck’s face turns into realisation.

“Oh.”

“ Oh , indeed.” Eddie smiles, amused by Buck’s adorable reaction. “It took me a while to figure it all out but I’m sure I’m in love with you.”

“That’s very convenient because I love you too,” Buck finally says and he crashes their lips together. There’s no insecurity, no hesitation. It’s heated, passionate, like they want to pour all of their emotions into this kiss. They have waited long enough to do it and now they don’t want to stop. They take a break only because they hear a weird noise that’s definitely coming from outside the room.

“Do you think TK is eavesdropping right now?” Eddie whispers, looking suspiciously at the door.

“Oh, I’m more than sure.” Buck answers and smiles slyly — and Eddie immediately recognizes this look. “Let’s give them a show, shall we?”

On the other side of the door, TK sends Hen a message.

»you were right, locking them was the best idea«

[some-dr-writings]

Shuichi, Kokichi and Nagito’s crush likes napping on his lap during breaks

Shuichi Saihara:

·       Ah yes, the Super High School Level Astronomer, it was no wonder Kaito would be friends with such a person, and whoever Kaito was friends with, all his other friends would be friends with them as well, that was how Shuichi had met you. Often in those nightly training sessions, for a break Kaito, Shuichi, Maki and whoever else felt like joining them that evening would jog around till finding you, telescope by your side. You’d speak of the stars, of legends that surrounded them, of how travelers of old navigated the world through them, how stars were born, what there different colors meant, and so much more. Folklore, history, science, didn’t matter, you knew and continued to learn about each and any possible aspect you could about those specks of light. However, you were rather quiet outside of those moments, though you weren’t closed off. It was more so, if you weren’t speaking of stars you’d just so intently listen to others.

·       … Maybe that’s how or why it happened? More often than not, when at school you were rather drowsy. You were often out, camping in the mountains away from the harsh city lights so when you were at school it was nice. When you were around, Shuichi made sure to spend time with you. You were able to speak so much without words, it was fun trying to interpret your expressions. Truthfully Shuichi didn’t think much of it at first, it was just how you were, quiet, yet outgoing, bubbly even. Others however had a more difficult time understanding you, somehow they didn’t notice the many little nuances that made up you, your slightest shift of expression or tilt of the head, your body language, how you spoke more so with your eyes, engaging in the conversations in your own way. How others couldn’t Shuichi had no idea at first, you were captivating, how could they NOT notice!?

·       At first he had thought it was simply him being a detective, often having to interpret and read people through his work with his Uncle, but… that was not quite it, there was more to this. I didn’t come naturally, he WANTED to understand you. He found himself drawn to you, your gravity too powerful for him to even consider resisting. And it seemed the same could be said for you too. Whenever break rolled around, no matter how short it may be, you’d always seek him out. Due to more often than not being awake through the night you’d nap, but Shuichi didn’t mind, not even when you used his shoulder or lap as a pillow. He’d read his novels aloud to you, or if he was working through a case, walk through his logic aloud, he’d just speak even if you were asleep, something in him just knew you were still taking this all in.

·       Even if he was somehow one of the few people who understood you, he wondered how you had even seen him yet. You were like a supernova in his eyes, so bright, so stunning, so colorful, leaving only beauty and wonder in your wake, how did you notice him? By chance did your heart race too at the thought of spending more time together? Did you also find a soft, comforting, warmth in his presence as he did you? Did you adore hearing him speak just as he did you? Whatever the case may be for you, he sure hopped it was something similar because he simply wished to your beloved stars above that you felt even half as amazing as he did with you, he just wanted you to know of such a fantastic emotion, it, no… you were astonishing and he simply wished to share and indulge in it with you.

   Kokichi Oma:

·       “Y/N!” “Hu-AH” You groaned, shakily pushing yourself off the ground. Then you noticed all your items had slipped out of your bookbag. You sighed, seeing all your papers had fallen out of your folders as well. “Geez, Y/N, I didn’t know you were so clumsy!” “Ah, just tired today I guess.” You noticed how Kokichi kept taking glances to you as he helped gather your items. Not surprising considering you literally just tumbled down a flight of stairs. Before you knew it all your supplied had already been collected and placed back in your bag. That was really quick. You winced as you stood up. Your knees almost collapsed under you and Kokichi was in the position to catch you should you have fallen but thankfully you were able to do so yourself. “Hey, hey! Where are you going?” “Oh, uh… umm.” You thought and thought but couldn’t remember. It was so hard, you felt like your mind was swimming and swirling, all thoughts fuzzy and difficult to reach.

·       Then suddenly you were being dragged along by the hand. “What the-” “You are coming with me! This’ll be fun! Especially if you have nothing better to do!” You were completely confused but more so shocked from the whole situation so you couldn’t really bring yourself to try to stop or ask where you were even going.

·       Koichi just kept running around, getting you completely lost. Eventually though he let go, dashing a few paces forward before tumbling and falling. “O-Oma!?” He simply laughed, sitting up. He hummed as the wind rolled past swaying his hair as he looked up to the sky. “Oh, Y/N, Y/N! Look at that!” You were confused looking up to the sky where he was pointing. “Ugh, you can’t see it from there, sit down already!” Taking your arm, he playfully tugged on it, but even that was enough to send you falling. Even with you sprawled across his lap, he managed to scooch over enough so just your head was there. “Perfect! Now, that cloud looks like Gonta; giant, kinda dumb, soft. And that one-” You were… quite puzzled. Clouds? Of all things? That was what he wanted to show you? You heard Kokichi speaking, but it was all noise to you, it held no meaning. You just listened as he droned on and pointed, the shadow of his outstretched arm conveniently covering your eyes.

·       You never really noticed how nice and soft Kokichi’s voice could be. Then again, he was always so loud or quiet, constantly shifting tone you never got the chance to just hear it… It was… rather pleasant. You wanted to hear him longer, engage in whatever game he was playing but so quickly your eyes drooped and all our senses simply lulled to nothing.

·       Then it was evening. At first the sight of those orange and purple hues confused you, but then- “Y/N, you’re alive! It’s been twenty years and Miu’s army of robots have taken over! We need you to join the resistance!” He couldn’t help but laugh at your absolutely baffled expression. “But that’s a lie.” “… oh yeah… Wait…” You suddenly completely awakened, abruptly sitting up. “It’s evening already!? Did we skip class!?” “It’s whateves, Y/N. Hope’s Peak doesn’t care if we skip class.” “No, not that!” You sighed, burrowing your face into your hands and mumbled to yourself. “I didn’t take the new meds again. Of course, I didn’t.” Huh, new medicine was it. Kokichi smirked, dragging you up onto your feet. “C’mon! You’ll make us late for dinner!”

·       The next several weeks were like that. No matter what you did you’d always end up napping on Kokichi’s lap at some point. This was much needed. Your therapist had been fired so you had to start all over with someone new, who wanted to give you new medicine meaning new side affects that could only be worked around via time management. It was a process trying to work out what amount you needed and what not. Napping with Kokichi was just about the only solace you had gotten in the chaos. When you had found a good balance of medication no longer were you exhausted in the day or losing sleep at night. It was great though, admittedly you missed it.

·       It had been about a week or so since your medication seemed to stable out and all was well with you once more. The bells for break had tolled and you left class. Break wasn’t long, but you didn’t care. Hearing shrieks and screams of terror and that ‘Nishishi” you knew you were close. Seeing Kokichi make his escape you simply went to one of the benches outside. And there you waited.

·       You still waited even after the bells signaling the end of break had tolled. “Oh? Y/N actually skipping class!? What has this world come too!? Soon the sky will be falling!” Seeing he wasn’t lying per say and just exaggerating you decided to answer. “I haven’t taken my nap yet.” You took his hand, pulling him onto the bench and you placed your head atop his lap. Though you weren’t not tired, a mid-day nap in the sun just felt so nice.

·       Thankfully for Kokichi, you were asleep so you couldn’t see his giddy smile. Though with this seemingly becoming the new norm you’d likely catch him one of these days. For now he’d just indulge in this moment with you, his crush and worry about that when it happens.

   Nagito Komaeda:

·       Though you were an Ultimate, an amazing person who could take care of themself just fine, Nagito worried about you. You slept, a lot. No matter when or where you could find a place to nap should you want too. It wasn’t all the time though, Nagito still had many conversations with you and had gotten to see your talent firsthand, an extraordinary sight! When you were awake, you’d spend much of your time with him, often over analyzing him trying to see if there was a scientific cause for the outlandish phenomena that was his luck. Not surprising since you were a scientist. At times Nagito wondered if your mind worked so hard when you were awake, trying to solve every last mystery the world had to offer, that drove you to exhaustion so quickly. That would explain how you could be so excitedly chatting away about one theory of yours or another only for you to suddenly fall over, knocked out. Thankfully it seemed Nagito’s luck would kick in moments like that so he could catch you before your face smashed into the ground.

·       Always following you around, trying to keep your drowsy tendency from getting you into danger, from just always being beside he had become your assistant of sorts. Though he would never dare to insist on it, he always sneakily became the one to carry your stuff around in the end, even if you had started your journey with them. Taking you by your shoulders he’d steer you away from bumping into other people or objects. He would take your hand, but he felt unworthy of such an honor unless you decided he could and he knew if he did a bright scarlet would erupt on his cheeks and his heart would pick up in pace, things you surely would notice with your keen eye. When you were awake, nothing could get past you, so Nagito would have to be extra careful. He couldn’t let you figure out his feelings. He simply didn’t have it in him to confess and he was garbage, surely you wouldn’t reciprocate his feelings, but if you did somehow, it’s not like he would deny you, someone like him had no right to deny an Ultimate, or so he thought at least.

·       Although… Nagito couldn’t help his feelings seeping out, no matter how much he had tried to keep them inside. Often, he was just talking and suddenly he’d be complimenting you and about to say he loved you and he’d have to cut himself off by causing an ‘accident’ like tripping over chairs or abruptly changing his words to say something else. He was always left a flustered mess.

·       It was just another day when Nagito strolled into your lab, finding your workspace was filled with many documents, many taped to white boards with string attacked to each and every last one, some string simply linking two pages on the same board, others stretching across the room, forcing one to duck, and twist to avoid them all, one could compare it to avoiding the lights in the laser filled room in some generic spy flic. “Hmm, but how to go about testing this?” “Testing what?” “Oh, Komaeda! Perfect timing!” You strolled over to him, looking through some file, seemingly not paying attention to your surroundings yet still avoiding all that strings. “Today I’m studying human communication!” “Uh huh.” “And I wish to test something!” You looked to him with those stunningly bright eyes as you explained, completely captivating him. “The power of words. I wish to see if they are like water in a pipe. For comparison, imagine a person as the pipe and the words water. I wonder if say a person is upset, if speaking to another person was the only way to alleviate the pressure of those emotions, or if just speaking aloud, even to no one, if that’d alleviate the pressure as well, OR if something else would happen. Yes, each individual is different, but there could still be a majority! I’m thinking we’ll go about-” a yawn escaped you before you continued. “about this… by…” You took a small notebook from your pocket, quickly scribbling down notes as Nagito lead you to a couch in the corner of the room. Nagito already knew this was coming considering that ‘pipe’ comparison didn’t make much sense since pipes would still leak, even if with another pipe around.

·       He sat beside you on the couch and moments later you rested your head on his lap. You tried holding up the little book to him and when he took it your hand and arm went limp, you already fast asleep. Nagito couldn’t help but smile, seeing you already so restful. As usually he looked through your notebook, seeing what he needed to prepare in order to set up your tests. Curiously he also looked over your notes, wondering how your interest in astrology the day prior lead to this through your connective thinking. It was always fun seeing how you could draw connections between seemingly completely unrelated topics, then again that was likely how you were such a good scientist. As he continued to read, fascinated by your research he began to wonder something. Looking to you his heart melted. “I love you.” Immediately his heart raced, and he felt that heat raising to his cheeks. What if a person were to vent to another, even if they weren’t paying attention? Perhaps because he still had told you, he still would have gotten this off his chest and he’d stop almost confessing to you so often.

·       That was how Nagito had begun to whisper his affections to you as you slept. It was a thrill like no other, fearing you’d awake right as he confessed his feelings, yet also endlessly excited by the thought as well. There was more than a fair share of times where he was almost caught, but it seemed you were none the wiser to his words of love.

·       “Hmm? Komeada? What are you mumbling about?” For a moment he froze, love struck at your soft tender expression. “Ah-uh-Oh? I was speaking? I apologize if I woke you up.” You simply huffed in response… a-and you just kept looking at him? Oh boy. Did you know? Was he finally caught? What would your response be? What did you think of him? “Thank you.” “Huh?” You smiled, nuzzling into him. “having this… instantaneous version of narcolepsy… Even though I started studying, I could never figure out how to stop it, maybe that’s because I get distracted easily, I- wait, no. No tangents.” You took a deep breath trying to reorganize your thoughts. “It… can be scary, one moment being awake then suddenly asleep. Before you I’d often sleep on the train and go way past my stop and get lost. There have also been a number of near-death experiences like when I fell asleep when walking across the street. I… it’s nice, knowing you’re around. To keep me safe and keep an eye on me. And I guess waking up to hearing your voice, waking up knowing for a fact I was safe… I don’t know, it was just nice, and I want you to know, I truly do appreciate you putting up with me.”

·       How… how could you make him fall for you more and more so effortlessly? Well, if you liked hearing his voice when you woke up… maybe… maybe next time he wouldn’t stop speaking of his love for you, even as you awoke. After all, he could never deny you anything, especially not your own comfort and ease of mind.

[kissmetae]

Hope

❧ AU: x Taehyung || Friends to Lovers (Lowkey slow-burn)

You felt distressed, caught up in your own emotions and confused by your over-thought thoughts. Going through a rough patch as some would say, where everything felt hopeless and you found yourself scrolling pinterest till 1am looking for "angsty" core aesthetics to fit your new "vibe" of life. But it was easier said than done to dig yourself a hole when your best friend constantly stood by filling the hole back up as you dug in an attempt to stop you, help you and make you feel better, despite having his own issue to deal with... his crush on you.

|| ANGST + SMUT | 11k | x reader | masterlist in bio ||

❧ Disclaimer: This is fiction. Actions and events in these stories are often exaggerated and to a certain degree unrealistic.  Please have this in consideration when reading fiction, especially if it includes sexual content.

❧ Rating: EXPLICIT || sexual content, unprotected sex ||  Warnings: mention of feeling hopeless, "deep reflection", (reader is troubled by something going on in their life but it's open for interpretation/unspecified)

❧ Smut features: Vanilla, desperate, first time together, unprotected, reassuring/concent asking/'checking in' (is this ok? Does it feel good?) top!Tae and a power outage.

How do you know when you've reached the complete state of hopelessness? Do people ever become 100% hopeless? You inhaled deeply and sighed it out. Gaze to the white ceiling, back on the bed and legs up against the wall. The tingle in your feet from the lack of circulation made them look somewhat less alive and feel cold. With a tilt of the hips you allowed your legs to slowly fall to the side, forming a new pose in the shape of a 90 degree angle on the bed and allowing for the less zombie-ish color to return to your feet. Hopelessness. Feeling like there is no point yet still stubbornly aching in the inner crevice of the head with a wish for there to be a chance for something else. A change, a plot twist a sudden eureka to make the entire world loose it's zombie color pallet and become lively and vibrant again. Hope. Or a wish for hope. It's probably some basic programming, like survival instinct, hope instinct. But at this point you didn't want to believe. You wanted to be grumpy, upset, frustrated. To curse society and curse what isn't fair and curse all the norms and expectations around you regardless of who made them up! Curse the media, curse the mold for perfect and the lip filler ads, curse the restrictions planted by your own beliefs and curse the cause of said belief! But feeling frustrated and angry is hard. Not only is it exhausting but it's the hardest emotion to let out fully and feel satisfied by after. If anything anger and frustration feels like a self-fueling fire that keeps burning more and more until you get exhausted and slump down on the bed with your legs up the wall. Crying would've been easier. You sat up, feeling a brief spin in the head due to your advanced modelling poses and reached for your water bottle. Water, Zen, calm rivers, refreshment, sound of clucking water in the harbor... rain. You turned towards your bedroom window at the sudden raging pattering sound outside. Even the sky needed to cry today. You reached for your phone, having it be faced down for the past hour or so after giving up on ranting about your dilemma to your friend. You had two types of friends. Those who were there for you when convenient and those who were there for you regardless. Taehyung was one of them. 3 missed calls. 15 texts- make that 16. A sting of guilt washed through realizing he must've been worried sick the past hour. Too exhausted to use your vocal chords you opened the text chat. Taehyung was the definition personified of a caring person. Sometimes to the extent where you'd question if it was more than anyone deserved. Did the world deserve Taehyung? You didn't make it through the second text before your doorbell rang followed by a loud bang. It sounded urgent... You got up from bed and slipped your feet into your white fluffy slippers and made your way to the front door of your apartment. You unhooked the clasp and unlocked your door to see one of the rainstorm's victims dripping water onto your doormat. Taehyung, Dressed in a green raincoat and hair clinging to his forehead and temples. His chest was rising unnaturally with his attempts to regain his breathe. "Tae-" He stepped in, an arm wrapping around your side and the other pressing your head to his wet shoulder. "If you didn't make me so worried... I would've removed my raincoat before hugging you." He squeezed. "See this as my revenge." His heart was beating fast. He pulled back after a few seconds, breathing stable and his red hands reaching to unbutton his raincoat. Did he not wear gloves? He pulled the door shut behind him and gently kicked off his boots. Apparently not. "I'll... go hang your raincoat in the bathroom for it to dry" you said, taking it from him. He was quick to address the elephant. "Why didn't you reply to my texts?" He followed behind you. "I... I left my phone to charge and I got distracted..." you made up, hanging his raincoat up in the shower. "I didn't come here to scold you, but when you tell me you're feeling hopeless, you get that it makes me worried right?" His voice was gentle and he looked at you with concerned eyes, stood in the door to the bathroom. Actually.... you didn't. Why would anyone worry... everyone seemed to always take it as nihilistic comedy or something and swat it away with something along the lines of "you’re just hungry" or the classic "are you on your period?" Maybe you were or maybe you weren't but why would that matter? Just thinking about it made you feel annoyed. As if any deep emotion only was caused by a period, it's just a period, why would anyone, let alone someone with a period themselves ask someone else that in a way that minimizes the reason they feel upset or angry or whatever emot- "Hey?" Taehyung pulled you back out from inside your head. "I don't know..." He crossed his arms over his chest and you knew that look far too well. "We'll talk about it, but right now, I'm here to make it better and take care of you. Did you eat?" You shook your head. "Great! Because I stopped by at the shop on my way... before the rain attacked me and picked up some stuff, including~" he said with an eager tone and walked towards the grocery bag you hadn’t noticed until now. He picked it up and dug his hand in for something. "Du du du du" he sang dramatically and slowly pulled out the familiar dark blue packaging. The love of your life, the source of all things good. Chocolate. The good one! Not the weird orange wrapping one you hated, but the blue one, the holy blue one, your favorite one. "I remember your frustration when you saw the empty shelf of horror last week and it was restocked today so i picked up three just in case." "THREE?!" "Mhm!" He nodded proudly. You could cry, finally, but for other reasons. "TaeTae you're the best." You walked towards him, hugging him tight. He was the bestest of the best, the hero, the savior, chocolate delivery man. Oh what would life be without him. A blush spread across his cheeks. "You did it again." He said shyly "Hm? Did what?" "You called me TaeTae." "You don't like it?" "... I do." -- Taehyung had you stationed at the kitchen table while he cooked. With a focused gaze he scrolled on his phone, reading the next step for the recipe while stirring the pot. You were pretty sure he knew this recipe by heart now, he'd cooked it for you before and he should be confident in it but seemingly not enough yet to put the recipe down. The kitchen smelt amazing and you could feel your hunger cry out for whatever was simmering in the pot. Taehyung gently tapped the wooden spoon against the pot as he added another ingredient. "Are you going to tell me what happened?" He asked. That's where you'd left him hanging in your texts when exhaustion took over... "I just..." "Is it /that/ thing?" Taehyung asked, very much knowing of your source for distress already. "Kinda... but this time it feels different... I’m not nervous or eager, I just felt like I was waiting and waiting and what if I waited so long for nothing and I.... it doesn’t make sense but I just feel numb at this point and like I'm losing hope. Like every odd is set against me and I'm the only one dumb enough to still bet on myself." "And me. Except I'm not dumb, nor are you and I'll always bet on you. Always." Oh Taehyung... "Well, as your personal doctor and advisor and therapist and nurse, care-taker, comfort teddy and so on, I am going to prescribe you with some stuff." You chuckled. "Please go ahead." He placed a plate in front of you and another on the opposite end of the table. "Firstly, a good healing meal." "And you’ve already done everything in your power right now, you’ve been working hard. Maybetoohard." He mumbled under his breathe followed by a fake cough. "That said, let me distract you." "How?" "Well, some old school friends wanted to go out clubbing this weekend and-" "You don't like clubbing." "Hold on, let me get to the point. My suggestion is that you can come too, it won’t only be them. There will be the general club people too of course and I think most of them were bringing other friends or their girlfriends too so... it might be fun? If it sucks, we'll ditch and go to the midnight bowling place or noraebang, yes?" Maybe having some social interaction, an excuse to dress up and good music wasn't such a bad idea? The only thing bugging you was the potential mess there could be... and lately with your stressed mind you hadn't been the best at handling those environments, but after all this was just a club, with dancing people... it couldn't be that bad right? Bowling did sound fun too though... But you knew distraction and fun was what you probably needed. Maybe it wouldn't solve the issues but maybe it'd make it weigh less. The small distractions did a lot, a big one should do even more. "Sure." "Really?!" You could've sworn you just witnessed his ears wiggle from excitement. "I'll come." -- When Taehyung said "clubbing" you expected big flashy neon signs, a red rope and a guard and pulsing music coming from inside... not a giant base, a sax and a set-up of almost 4 different types of synthesizers. A jazz club. You should've known. The band was some sort of electro jazz fusion sprinkled with funk type band, as they introduced themselves as and they weren't bad, not at all. In fact this was a lot cozier than an uncomfortable packed nightclub. You just wish Taehyung told you so you could've worn your comfy flowy favorite dress rather than your tight little black one, wanting to fit in with the scene... Taehyung was dressed in black slacks, a green sweater and a brown coat that was hung over his chair, paired with his trademark assortment of bracelets on his wrist. Including the one you gave him for his birthday two years ago. He never took it off since the day he got it. It made you smile seeing it on his wrist. Taehyung's old school friends, the few you had managed to great during the evening were all really nice and most of them had their arm either around another or a hand held by another. You couldn't help but feel a little awkward, the questioning looks that didn't need to be vocal for you to understand. "Is this your girlfriend?" Taehyung just smiled, maybe playing it off was best... or did he just not notice the silent question? At first you expected a shrug or something but nope... "Would you like something more to drink?" Taehyung asked, leaning in so you'd hear him over the music and pointing towards your nearly empty glass. "I think I'm alright." "What?" "I'm ok." You leaned in closer. "Do you want to dance?" You and Taehyung were seated alone at one of the many tables as the majority were occupied dancing to the beats of the band and the rest drinking at other tables or mingling around. You had been up there at least twice, maybe even three times dancing the best you could and Taehyung always being by your side but your brain was starting to get a little drowsy. "I think I'm going to call it a night. But you can stay if you want." "No no, if you want to go home I'll come with you, let me walk you home." "I'll take a taxi its ok" "I insist." "So do I" the few drink he had had were enough to make his words braver and bolder. "It's late, I don't want you to go back alone regardless of if you take a taxi. I'll walk you." Fine. "Ok" Taehyung swept the remainder of his wine  and grabbed his coat and waved some quick goodbyes. It was cold outside. Dark and empty... maybe it was good Taehyung insisted after all. He stumbled slightly, alarming you. Your hands instinctively reached for him and he giggled. "You only had two glasses I doubt you're drunk right now." "Maybe I wiwwle tipdie" he giggled, clearly  acting up. "Does wiwwle tipdie Taehyung need help? Should I carry you on my back?" "No! I should be carrying you, do you have a blister on your heal from your shoes? Sore feet? Sore legs? Anything I can use as an excuse?" You laughed, patting him gently on the back. A cold breeze travelled through the street and you pulled your jacket tighter around you. "You're cold?" Taehyung asked "A little... my choice of dress wasn't the best." "I think you look beautiful." The sudden compliment caught you off guard. "... thanks." "Thanks? For what?" "The compliment" "I'm simply stating the facts." He said, looking to the side and slipping his hands into his pockets. "It sure is cold..." Why was it feeling awkward suddenly? Silence between the two of you would usually be comfortable... "Thanks for bringing me too." "Did you have fun?" He turned to face you again. "Yes, it was better than I expected." "I'm glad to hear that." "But let’s go bowling next time." "Sure!" He smiled widely. A source of warmth suddenly surrounded you and you looked up to see Taehyung's face turned away yet again but his arm resting around your shoulder, wrapping his coat around you and urging you closer into his side till your hips almost brushed against each other. The rest of the walk back home was a few minutes of silence, but luckily you didn't live far. "Home sweet home" "How will you get home?" You asked, concerned. "Ah..." he checked the time on his phone. "Well I've missed the last train... so unless I can find a taxi which so far I've seen none I'll have to sleep at the station." "No you're not, come, you can call a taxi from my place and at least wait inside instead of out in the cold." You said, grabbing his arm and pulling him with you through the entrance. "Nobody's picking up?" You asked Taehyung looked down at his phone with a confused look. "It keeps hanging up on me? I don't know if maybe their line is down or something?" "It would explain why we didn't see any on the walk back." "I guess so... so now what?" He looked up at you. "Guess you'll have to stay the night." He grinned. "Can't remember the last time we had a sleep-over" he chuckled and removed his coat. He was right, it must've been years ago... the last time you could remember was a movie night gone sleep over during winter when it had snowed so no traffic was able to move at all. You grabbed a spare cover and a pillow and handed it to Taehyung, sleepiness already present in his eyes. "Hey." Taehyung said, laying out the pillow and cover on your sofa. "If I have a nightmare can I come lay next to you?" He grinned. "If you have to." He replied with a puppy gaze. "Good night TaeTae." His eyes widened and he looked down at the couch. "... Good night." -- The question was when would you wake to the sound of birds chirping instead of the aggressive rasp of the snow plow dragging across the street? It almost sounded like it was more ir less plowing the asphalt off the earth rather than the snow. More irritating was that it just added to your unsatisfying sleep and rough awakening streak. One good morning was all you asked for... You sat up, slid off the edge of the bed and slipped into your slippers that were neatly set up by its side. A scratch of the head and an adjusting pull of the bun on your head and you headed to you first destination; tea. With heavy steps you dragged yourself out of your room and were met by the surprise you had forgotten was left on your couch from last night, sprawled across the sofa... in only boxers. Oh god. The covers were halfway on the floor, only covering his legs, barely. It was cold too but should you just ignore him... no, you couldn't... but what if you woke him up? He was only in boxers and you were already trying your best not to look but your brain had already registered that they were black and Calvins... please no more information... thigh muscles NO! Chest, focus on the chest. He was breathing, he was alive. Inhale, exhale. You carefully made your way towards him. His chest was toned... the type perfect to rest your head on NO! Messy hair... It really didn't help that your best friend was as attractive as he was. You bent down and carefully picked up the cover, pulling it back up over his upper body. He must've been really cold, his nipples- NO. You shook your head furiously to get rid of the thought. You turned around 180 degrees and marched to the kitchen. Tea. Tea. Tea. Tae. TEA! You could hear the covers rustle as he shifted, followed by a soft groan. Oh no... Please no. Although... why was it so dangerous for him to see you in your own home, making tea. I don't know! But regardless it felt like an action movie stealth scene for the grand heist judging by your heart beat. The boiler was too loud, the accidental clink of the mug as you set it to the counter too, the rip of packaging of the tea bag, the wind whistling outside! Sweat? You were sweating, stress consuming you yet again over the moist pointless little thi- "Hey?" The tea cup smashed against the kitchen floor along with your gasp and you grabbed the door handle of the kitchen cupboard for support. Taehyung starred at you with wide startled eyes. Maybe your screech scared him as much as his sudden presence scared you. "Sorry." He chuckled, voice so deep and raspy you could practically feel his vocal chords vibrate. Your heart was pounding hard. Could he at least have been swaddled in the covers and not in his boxers right now... You diverted your eyes to the porcelain shards across the floor. "Wait wait wait!" Taehyung yelped, holding his hand out to stop you from moving. But it was too late. The dark kitchen along with your giddiness had of course resulted in the unfortunate miss step. You sighed, lifting your foot from the chard as you felt something wet trickle down your foot. Taehyung quickly reached to turn the lights on, the bright shine blinding both of you briefly and making the view of him even clearer. "Stay there." Taehyung ordered. Your kitchen was pretty small so there wasn't much space to move without risking another wrong step. A cup of tea and now all this. You slapped your arms to your sides in a deep pout. Making a new cup now just felt wrong but you craved a cup so bad and it was cold... the floor was cold, you were cold... and not to mention everything hanging in form of heavy weights on your shoulders and chilling on top of the imaginary storm cloud above you right now. It's like your issues were mocking you and just making everything worse. Maybe the issue was that you related to the once-was intact mug. You felt split and unorganized, all over the place and dependent on things you knew you shouldn’t be depending your hope and happiness on but yet day after day you’d lose yourself in a visualization of a scenario of perfection were everything would be ok until again the door was slammed in your face and you had to start all over again. No matter how many times you felt like this time would be different and this time you were ready, this time it'd all go your way because the past was forgiven and your time wasn’t right but again and again .... Your patience was running out. You sniffed, wiping the tears from your cheeks with the back of your hand. Taehyung came back holding a broom and a dust pan when he saw your face of tears. "No..." he sounded panicked. He leaned down quickly sweeping the chards to the side of the kitchen and tossing the broom and pan into the pile so he could approach you. Strong lean arms embarrassed you like out of a 6 different angles k-drama scene. A hand found its place on the back of your head, softly petting you as the other pressed you closer to his warm chest. Never had you expected  that hugging Taehyung would feel this safe. May it be because he was the one you could be truly vulnerable with or that he was the one that knew what was going on right now, but whatever he did... he did it just right. "You don't need to say anything." He whispered. "I know." He squeezed you a little firmer. "I know." He reassured. "Sssh" his hand felt so gentle as it caressed you. "It's going to be ok." He felt so warm. "I'm here." His skin felt so soft against your hands. "I'm not going anywhere." Your heart calmed down. Taehyung didn't pull away until you became silent and your breathing stable. But even then he didn't pull away completely, only enough to look at your face and caress his thumbs under each eye gently. "I'll reheat the water for you." He smiled softly and reached for the switch on the kettle. You didn't want to let go, not just yet. But he slipped away carefully and kneeled to sweep up the shards and discarded the pieces into the bin. He briefly disappeared and came back holding his sweater, arms slipped in and pulling it over his head as he entered, causing his shoulders to naturally flex slightly as he slipped it on. He grabbed two mugs from the cupboard, added a bag in each and filled them with the hot water. You tugged and fidgeted at your sleeve as you watched, feeling unusually shy in his presence. "Come, let’s sit on the sofa" Taehyung said and grabbed a mug in each hand but quickly came to a halt. "Your foot!" You had forgotten about it too. He placed the mugs back down and watched you as you lifted to check the cut. "Fuck." Taehyung said and quickly ripped a piece of kitchen towel off and handed it to you. Holding one hand against the fridge for support and the other wiping the smeared mess on your foot you watched as Taehyung quickly disappeared and reappeared again with your med kit. "Does it hurt?" He asked, rummaging through the kit. "No, it just stings a little." He pulled out some disinfectant solution and eyes you quickly up and down. Before you knew it he was stood in front of you, kneeling slightly as you felt his large hand grab a hold behind your thigh and his arm scooped you up on him. Your heart was back to its rapid pace again. He set you down on the sofa carefully and went back to grab the disinfectant and the tea mugs. He sat on the floor in front of you, soaking a cotton pad with the solution and gentle pulling your foot towards him by the ankle. "Ah, thanks goodness it doesn't seem to be deep." He said with relief, gently dabbing the cotton pad to the wound. It stung a little but it wasn't too bad. "All nice and clean, do you have cute band-aids?" "Only boring plain ones I'm afraid." Taehyung scrunched his nose. "Boo." With a band-aid beneath your foot and your longed for tea in your hands you sat next to him on the sofa. "An eventful morning." "I should become your fulltime caretaker at this point." Taehyung joked. "Not that I'd mind." "Will you pay me?" He raised his brows as well as the mug to his lips. "No way." You smiled. "Charity work is good for karma." "I already have good karma!" Taehyung protested, pretending to be offended. He laughed that trademark warm laugh that was like a smooth cackle that somehow always triggered a little firework to go off in your chest. You smiled, looking into your mug as if it'd tell you a fortune. ... you swallowed and looked up. In winter the sun rose late and had begun its voyage above the horizon, painting the sky a bright warm orange tone as it shined in through the window behind Taehyung. No. You didn't have feelings for him. You just felt some post-event shakiness and nerves and for the matter of a fact you finally got your much needed cry. It must just be your chest feeling lighter thanks to the cry. "So, do you have any planes today?" Taehyung asked. "I don't even know what day it is." "Good, I don't have plans either and it's Saturday for your information. But I do have a potential plan and that is, since I'm already here, to spend the day with you unless you have important to do's, which you shouldn't, because you need a break." He whispered towards the end. "A fmnn break." He repeated, biting his lip on the word to censor himself, but he got his point across. "A break would be nice... but when I try, I feel distressed as if I shouldn't be doing it because I'm wasting my time. I need-" "A distraction" Taehyung filled in. You nodded. "Then thou shall sit here and watch my live-in-action cooking show live from your kitchen." He said cheerfully, slapping his hands to his thighs as he stood up. "Do you have strawberries?" He asked. "In the freezer." "Yes!" He made his way to the kitchen, worth to mention is the open floor plan of your apartment so you could see him well enough from where you were seated. The soft messy curls on his head bounced with him as he walked. He dramatically pointed at you with a spatula in his hand. "Welcome." He said, speaking deeply into the spatula. "The pancake and strawberry smoothie extravaganza extraordinaire show with your host." He point his thumb and index under his chin. "Kim Taehyung." His goofiness never failed to bring a smile to your face. He went to grab his phone on the sofa table. "I need background music...." he hummed as he scrolled, spatula still in his other hand. "Jeopardy music 10 hours?" He looked up at you for an opinion. "Please no." He giggled and a calm upbeat song started playing from him phone as he put it back down and resorted to the kitchen. While frying up the first batch he was spaced out, humming on the theme tune to jeopardy anyway. You had made yourself comfortable on the sofa, lying down. The sofa smelt like him now. The same sweet comforting scent as the hug had... and his coat the numerous times he'd wrapped it around you when it was cold or shielded you from the rain with it. But speaking of memory, thinking back at those often occurring times you were also reminded about how a previous "friend" used to try and provoke you into being nervous and shy in Taehyung's presence. You'd been close for years and maybe she had an issue with that or something but she'd always find ways to tease you in way. Claiming Taehyung was giving you "looks" or "checking you out" in ways she as a self-declared expert in men deemed were of more than friendly nature. And since she as expert of men by that likely thought all men were the same, proves how reliable of a source she was. Taehyung he just.... you were close. She just wanted to make you feel embarrassed and self-conscious and make it awkward between you. You hated thinking about that. It made you overthink and feel awkward. Like an evil loop. You looked up at the breakfast chef, catching his eye as he quickly looked back down to the pancakes. You could get used to this view. Handsome man in boxers and sweater making you pancakes when you’re feeling blue, the headline in your head spelled out. The Zen experience of the kitchen fan being turned off brought stillness and Taehyung emerges with a plate of pancakes, disappearing and re-appearing again after denying your offer to help with the strawberry smoothies, plates, forks, knifes and every suitable pancake topping he had been able to locate in your kitchen. And a tube of mustard as a joke that you only kept in your fridge for when your dad came over to dinner and his weird obsession with having mustard on everything. It was probably even expired. "Enjoy your meal." "You're my hero Taehyung." You said, stabbing a pancake. "I can be your hero baby." You froze. "What?" "Haven't you heard that song?" He smiled. Oh.. "Hero? By Enrique Iglesias?" "Ah, now that you mention it-" "With the weird music video were goes on this road trip with the girl and then he's suddenly rubbing money over her body in this random stone house." "Is this what you binge on youtube at 2am when I wake up to 15 links and emotional texts." "Do not judge me!" You giggled. "I'm not, I like waking up to those texts from you. You sent them to me for a reason." Taehyung smiled shyly. "Yeah... anyhow! I have a suggestion, a proposal, a-" "Go on" "Since I'm your hero, but even I weren't. I thought maybe I could stay here a few days? Only if you want me to, of course. I just-" he became shyer. "I like to think that you seem to feel better when I'm around and you're going through a rough time so I'd like to be there for you, like you are for me." Your heart made its presence in your chest known yet again. "You should think.... because it's true." "So?" "It'd be nice." He smiled widely. "Great! But I do need to go home and pack some clothes and... some pajamas and Yeontan! He is a great comforter trust me, he has cheered me up many times when I've cried." "Cried? What were you crying about?" "Oh- uhm it's nothing, it's ok now so." He swatted it away. "Boys cry too." He joked, but it tasted weird. "But he's staying with my parents this weekend, but if you want I can go pick him up." He suggested. "It's ok, he needs time with his grandparent." Taehyung chuckled. "Well they love their grandson so I'm sure they wouldn't mind having him stay an extra day or two." -- You couldn't help but feel bad that Taehyung had to sleep on the sofa... His bag with clothes and necessities was placed in the hallway and the covers neatly hung over the backrest. "We could take turns and sleep in the bed every other day." "I told you it was fine." Taehyung insisted, again. "I just feel bad..." "Then let’s both sleep in your bed and call it even." "...." your cheeks felt hot. "See, so I'll sleep on the sofa. Don't worry about it!" What does he mean "see"? ... you were simply imagining what excuse to use as to how your head would coincidentally end up on his chest instead of your pillow. "Or we'll both sleep on the sofa, but it might be a bit cramped." He continued. "Maybe this was a bad idea..." "Hey no! No, I'm just joking. Don't feel bad ok." Taehyung's hands smoothed down your arms. "Beds are better at healing wounds on the feet too." You exhaled deeply. "Oh TaeTae..." "Doesn't this feel like we're having a pajama party or sleep over?" He smiled. "Kinda, should we build a blanket fort and watch movies?" His mouth dropped open. "I'm just kidding!" You laughed He pouted. "Oh you want to?" A nod. "You want to build a fort and watch movies?" You asked with more excitement. More enthusiastic nodding. You both cracked up laughing on the sofa together. "I'm serious though." Taehyung grinned. -- You lied awake in your bed, eyes to the ceiling. For some wild reason you both thought it would be a great idea to binge through the entire twilight saga series as a source of comedy but you only made it up to half-way through eclipse when it became too much to handle for both of you. The first movie was easy to mock and laugh at and make fun out if but once it got more serious and romantic in new moon it started getting a little awkward. To say the least, feeling flustered from watching twilight but not due to the movie itself but from the presence of Taehyung right next to you in your make-shift sofa blanket fort. You couldn't stop thinking about him. And he was out there... on your sofa, right now. And who knew if he was in cute polka dot pajamas with his hair a mess on the pillow or his tight fitted boxers and his hair tied up.. You bit your lip, crossing your legs at the visual. You remembered the first time you witnessed Taehyung tie his hair up and how it felt like being punched in the gut. It's not possible to be that attractive. "Then aren't you attracted to him?" The voice echoed in your head. Just because you find someone attractive doesn't mean you're attracted to them! Which is very much true. But Taehyung's personality was attractive too which was harder to justify the same way. And his person. And him. The entire package. You sighed. Maybe the stupidest thing you could do right now was reach for your phone and google "do I have feelings for my best friend?" Ah yes. A quiz. Maybe it wasn't so stupid after all, it'd say maybe you like him but you're not into him at the very most. Question 1, do you find them attractive. Well who wouldn't? And like mentioned it doesn't mean you're attracted to him. Yes. Question 2, do they like you? Pfft... what kind of question is that? How would you know? I don't know... or yes I guess? I mean he clearly likes you as a friend or he wouldn't be up to making all this effort for you but do they mean platonically? You ticked maybe. Question 3, Do you stalk them on social media? What the??? He's your best friend! The algorhythm shoves his posts in your face weather you like it or not. Sometimes. Question 4, Do you see them a lot? Yes. Question 5, Do you want to know more about them? You already know everything ... but what he cries about to Yeontan is something. Yes. Question 6, when you see them with somebody else who isn't considered their friend, how do you feel? Jealous. Question 7, when they're around you how do you feel? Nervous or self-conscious or nothing or i don’t know... well nervous AND a little self-conscious depending on the situation and if he's dressed or in just his boxers. Nervous. Question 8, Do you think about them? Yes. Always. Question 9, Do you laugh at their jokes? Another weird one but yes. Question 10, are they your ex? Huh? No. Definitely. A lot. You placed your phone screen down on your chest and let out a sigh. Maybe visualizing a kiss or two while in the shower was a crime after all... or was the question why were you in the first place? He was amazing in every type of way and you wanted to know if he was amazing at kissing too andmaybeinbed but you can't just ask him that or try it out, so you had to resort to imagination.... Who were you even trying to convince at this point? You liked him. Definitely. And a lot. The realization did nothing to help you fall asleep unfortunately. Another 15 minutes in dark silence passed when you suddenly heard the floorboards squeak. Maybe Taehyung was going to the bathroom or grabbing a glass of water... But the soft pats of his feet should've stopped by now... Your half open door pushed open a bit more shyly and Taehyung peaked in. Dressed in pajama bottoms, but no shirt. "You're awake." He said, whispering. "So are you." "I can't sleep..." he rubbed his arm. "I feel lonely." As if you'd deny him looking all shy and vulnerable in your door. You scooted to the side in your bed, making raise his brows in hope and anticipation, fingers fidgeting. "Come." You said, patting the bed next to you. The bed dipped gently as he lied down and you put the covers over him. He shifted onto his side, placing his head on your pillow. This was better. But since you just took an online quiz to realize you had feelings for this man currently shirtless in your bed, you couldn’t help but feel incredibly awkward. "How come you're feeling lonely?" You asked, trying to conceal your stiffness "To a start I sleep better when I get to hold something." He said shyly "Who?" You asked, intending for it to be a thought. "When I'm at home, Yeontan." Of course... "He lays on the bed and I feel less lonely and hearing him walk around or do something makes me feel soothed knowing I'm not alone... for the most part." "Are the tears you cry... tears of loneliness?" You could tell it triggered something in him. He bit his lip and nodded gently, eyes glossy. "For the most part it's just me and a pillow." He confessed. "But you could say-... it's something like that, yes." Face to face, mere inches apart. You thanked the darkness of the room that he couldn't see you blush right now but unreasonable fear that he'd somehow "sense" it in the atmosphere still worried you. You shouldn't have taken that stupid quiz it only made you start overthinking and it was probably rigged and the questions were weird so why should you listen to it? Get back to your senses! He's your best friend and you're comfortable with him! Calm down! "... I know it's dumb" Taehyung mumbled. "I know it seems like I'm this easy-going social butterfly with lots of friends who can find someone to hang out with within seconds... but when I'm alone at home, I just feel so empty. Like if nobody sees me, I don't exist. Thus when I'm alone, I'm not real anymore." "That's very philosophical, but what if someone thinks about you while you are alone? Then wouldn't you exist since somebody has you on their mind?" "But it'd be impossible for me to know and people have better things to do than walk around and daydream about me." It stung a little inside hearing him say this. "People are actually capable of multitasking you see, they can do these better things you speak of and think about you at the same time. I think about you a lot, sometimes I think about you while doing the laundry, riding the bus or taking a show- that sound's wrong." Taehyung chuckled. "But you get what I mean." "What do you mean?" He asked "That I think about you and that you aren't alone TaeTae, you never are. If you're ever feeling lonely, maybe think about me. If that helps. Or get to know yourself more, become your own friend or create an imaginary friend!" "I already do that." "Have an imaginary friend?" "Think about you." Oh. "... does it help?" You asked shyly. He shook his head. "It just makes me miss you and want to come to see you." Is it possible to experience a softer heart attack than you just did? Rather than a heart exploding in saw gore-level mess it gently poofed and became a small cloud of red feathers gently falling to the ground. Since when had you become a softie? Two hours ago you were all if there's no sex in the romance novel, it's not worth my time but now you suddenly felt an urge to ransack the romance section of the nearest library to read every cheesy romance story you could find until you could find one similar to your own. Your... own? What? With... with Taehyung? ... not that you’d visualize every male lead character as coincidentally similar to him regardless of how their looks were described in the book.... "Maybe I do need to spend some time with myself to get over it..." No! Stay here with me! "I can spend more time with you." Taehyung looked up. "I think that could benefit us both." He sounded more hopeful now. "Well, you're already here so it's also convenient." Despite the darkness you could make out the smile on his face that appeared. Cute. But wait... did Taehyung suggest he could stay here for you, because he felt lonely? He shifted slightly and the sheets rustled. His leg accidently brushed against yours and your first thought was to tangle your legs with his in a leg tackle war... but you still felt too on edge to act casual and playful with him like you normally could. You swallowed. "How long have you felt this way?" "A while... a long while. At first it was nothing but then it got worse and even more worse when I realized this one thing." "What thing was that if I may ask?" He sighed. "It's hard to explain... but, say a friend." "Mhm?" "A friend feels kinda lost, existentialism and stuff going on, doesn't like to be by himself, then he finds this person and they make him forget it all but once they’re apart it all returns to him again like they were his escape but only for as long as they were together." "Is that only with that one person or all?" "No no, only that person. And then he realizes he might be in love, or he's addicted to the person in a way, but in a good way not an obsessive way just-" "In love?" "Something like that." "You're in love?" "Huh?! What no! This was about a friend! I'm not talking about me!" "Then what did you realize Taehyung?" You could tell his mind briefly blanked in panic. "I realized that maybe I, as said friend need to find that person for me." "A person?" He nodded shyly. "You want to fall in love?" "I don't know... something like that." 'Something like that' seemed to be his catchphrase this evening. But in love? A person? His person?... that couldn't be you... could it? Did he want you to be his person? Were you his person?? The questions and confusion kept spiraling through your head, (finally) making you feel tired and exhausted. "I think... I just want to tend to someone else than myself, to not have to think so much about it and instead take care of somebody else." "Is that why you offered to stay?" "Yes and no, I want to take care of you because I am genuinely concerned and worried about you, I want to be there for you. But also, sleeping on the couch last night, hearing you tiptoe around the kitchen... it made me feel comforted." His voice sounded drowsy. "If you want... I can be your person in this scenario." You suggested. "You've already become.. person." He mumbled, sinking deeper into his half-awake state. -- You stretched your leg out one at the time, twisting your body gently and inhaling deeply into a stretch, gently batting your eyes open. You pushed a palm against the bed to get up into a seated position when something suddenly restrained you, heavy over your abdomen. Surprised, you raised the sheet to see the reminder of what you had forgotten last night. Over your waist, a lean arm with faint thin dark hairs and a few subtle veins travelling up the forearm from the large hand clung to the side of your waist... all attached to the source of warmth to your left, Taehyung. His dark locks a mess on the pillow, his bare upper body now fully on display in the daylight and his polka dot pajama pants haven travelled down a bit too far low for your sanity... Cursed be the eyes in your skull for travelling down the view. You would've noticed it sooner or later regardless, especially since your thigh was  a hair between touching it. It, being the weird relief of knowing he got some deep relaxing sleep in... but with an awkward morning surprise... and his arm wouldn't grant you freedom without you accidentally or intentionally having to wake him up. You carefully shifted to at least have your thighs at a safer distance, but your bed wasn't intended for two people, so it was easier said than done. His grip suddenly tightened and a low groan escaped him as he shifted. Why did you feel fear as if you shouldn’t be present in your bed in which he entered himself. If anyone Taehyung should be the one fearing his life right now. His thumb caressed your side gently and it felt nice... soothing. Until his eyes suddenly opened wide with a soft gasp as you felt his morning hard on grace against your thigh. Eyes that pleaded and begged you didn't notice pierced into yours and you decided to play along. "Did you sleep well?" His hand quickly retreated to your disappointment. "Sorry i... I did it in my sleep it wasn't-" "It's ok, you said you sleep well holding something and being held didn't feel too bad..." "Well, in that case, I actually slept better than I have in a really long time." He said, voice raspy and deep still. He rolled onto his back, thankfully, and placed his hand behind his head. "Did you?" "Huh?" "Did you sleep well?" "In fact, I did." You said, answering truthfully and resisting the urge to put your head on his bare chest. If only the lord or whoever would stop testing me... "Hungry?" He asked. You nodded. "Great, I'll fix something ok, but close your eyes." "Why?" "I'm shirtless." ... right. You covered your eyes with your hands and the warmth left your side as he got up and escaped the room. You slowly got up, trying to win some time for him but a few brief seconds later heard the sound of the bathroom door down the hall closing and locking. Yikes. That went smoother than expected. You set up some tea, knowing Taehyung described coffee as the closest to unlethal poison you could find, you knew he'd prefer tea or hot chocolate and that there was no use to ask. You knew him too well. It was nice having him here. And waking up with a strong arm around your waist wasn't too bad either... if only you could've let yourself enjoy the moment instead of freaking out, what if he grew cautious now and you'd never experience it again? You sighed softly, grabbing two mugs from the cupboard. After a while, the kettle clicked and you poured some water into each mug. It had been a while now... ... was he meditating in there? There was no sound of the shower, or anything, not that you were listening. Would it be weird if you asked if he was ok? Since the kettle was off the entire apartment became significantly more silent. You heard a faint mumble. "Fuck..." You swallowed. Ear please momentarily turn off, mind and imagination too please. You reached to put the kettle back on but since the water was already hot it clicked off again after 5 seconds. The bathroom door opened and you braced yourself to not look down. Luckily, he was now wearing his oversized sweater or else you would've failed immediately. He let out a soft chuckle. "I spaced out." His cheeks were flushed red and glowing. Right. "I made you some tea." -- Why were deep topics always easier to talk about at night? Were people like clams? You wake up and it opens a little and once we hit the night the clam is fully open and then closes during sleep to a new no-talk-me-I-not-have-tea-yet to ask-me-about-how-i-view-existentialism cycle? Or were nights just vulnerable with the darkness? In that case you should metaphorically speaking be an open clam all day during winter when the sun goes into its own hibernation. But here you were again, just like last night, except... 20 minutes into the sudden power outage that made your impromptu movie night come to a halt. And it was getting really cold. Bundled up under a cover together, staring at the flicker of the candle on the coffee table in silence. "I was going to offer to make you tea to warm you up but the kettle..." Taehyung said with a soft chuckle. "The power will probably come back any moment soon." He said optimistically. As you looked out of the window earlier, you noticed it wasn't just your place, but the entire block seemed to have an outage. Unusual. But the current roaring rain storm outside likely had something to do with it. The wind was aggressive, the windows shook, it whistled in a creepy way and the trees outside rustled loudly. "How about we play a game?" Taehyung suddenly suggested, breaking off the silence again. He was feeling awkward, you could tell. He always rested his hands in his lap, fidgeting or poking at the cuticles of his nails when he felt awkward. "Sure, what should we play?" His face lit up. "Questions and answers? I can start!" "Shoot!" You folded your legs and shifted to face him on the couch. "What's your ideal type." ... he... immediately went there. "Looks or personality?" Taehyung shrugged. "Both." "Well it depends on the vibe they give off of course... and mainly. I guess tall, but it's not that important, wide shoulders are always nice." You paused to think, how can I describe Taehyung without it sounding like I'm describing Taehyung. "Funny, caring, optimistic, outgoing..." "Like me!" He smiled widely. You leaned back, squinting while caressing your chin, examining him playfully. "Hmmmn" He placed his hands under his jaw, like he was displaying his face and batted his eyelashes. "Not bad, not bad." He looked disappointed. "Just not bad?" You playfully nudged his arm. "It's your turn to answer. "Fine." He pouted, crossing his arms over his chest but cracking a giggle. "I'll ask you the same question." "Very original, you." "It's called recycling, so tell me." "I did." "Huh?" "You." Your heart froze briefly before beginning to pound. "Me?" "Mn!" He said confidently. "You're not bad" he mocked. You swallowed. "I have a question about the rules." "Go on" "If I ask you anything, do you have to tell the truth?" "Yes! Nothing but. So you better tell me what you actually think rather than 'not bad'" "Is the friend you talked about actually you? And am I the person?" He tensed up, swallowing. "I guess it was obvious..." he mumbled, rubbing his arm and looking down at his lap. "I just..." he began, but reluctance interrupted him. "I understand." You said. He looked up, seemingly surprised yet still tensed "I make you feel less lonely." He nodded slowly. "Which makes sense. After all we're best friends." You continued. "... right." He looked away. "Best friends." Taehyung reached up to move his hair away from his eyes, still facing down as if he was considering something. "So... what do you think of me?" His voice sounded more serious. Where to start of course he was gorgeous! Wide shoulders, a build you'd die to slide your hands down, dark big eyes, a sweet smile with plump lips, sculpted perfectly and his honey skin. Person wise... he was someone you'd want to have as your person. "A nice person" He scoffed. "Seriously?" He seemed upset. He finally looked up, meeting your gaze. There was a sparkle in his eye. The warm light from the candle made his face glow even more. "I mean person as in the person you have, a your-person" "A nice your-person?" He tilted his head. "You told me yesterday in bed that you can feel like someone is your person because they bring you comfort and make all your problems go away and you feel better just by being in their presence! A nice that-type-of-person." "But I was talking about you!" He pleaded "And now I'm talking about you." "You are my person, what do you mean?" He asked, placing emphasis on "my" "That you're my person too. Am I being unclear?" "No, not at all. I just wanted to hear you say it." "So you tricked me?" You scoffed. "Not really." He leaned closer. "But maybe I set you up and you simply walked into my trap." "So now what? We're just going to sit here in denial over the fact that we both admitted to being each other's person?" You questioned, feeling slightly panicky and picking at your nails. Was this platonic or not? "We don't have to" he grinned. "But to be clear, I'm not talking about you being my person as in my other half, my best friend type person, even though you are that too bit this isn't it." "Are you trying to tell me that you're in love with me?" He tensed up again. Fuck it. "Then just say it, stop confusing me with your riddles and metaphors and I won't do the same. Just tell me-" His hand pressed against the back of your head as he leaned in almost all the way. He caressed the back of your head gently and your gaze dropped to his soft pink lips with the tiny freckle to the side. You leaned in close enough to brush a gentle touch before Taehyung pressed you closer for your lips to finally collide. It started off desperate yet a little shy. You pressed back, grabbing at his sides and the kiss deepened. Your heart was pounding. Never did you expect he'd just go for it and kiss you when you showed some bold courage towards him but you didn’t have a slightest regret because he tasted so good against your mouth. His plump pink lips so passionate, so needy but also so gentle and triggering an explosion in your chest. Taehyung leaned over you, making you lay down on the couch as he crawled on top and it turned into an even wilder heated make out. Your hand tangled into his hair, his hand rubbed against the side of your waist under your top. Fearing it'd be the first, last and only, you wanted every single piece of this moment you could have. Unintentional, his touch triggered a soft moan to escape your throat, which subsequently triggered a groan from Taehyung. Making a sound like that with his voice should be illegal. It did things to you, things you didn't want to confess. But the box of secret confessions was torn open within seconds as Taehyung, a heavy breathing mess suddenly pulled away from your lips and landed by your ear, exhaling deeply. "Fuck, I'm hard." He groaned and you knew the box was flying out the windows with your filthy confession floating aimlessly around for him to hear but all you managed to stutter out was a choked "huh?" "If you knew how long I've wanted you for." He whispered. "How scared I've been of being rejected because I knew it'd shatter me." The hopeless romantic you knew he was made his attendance known. "A friend?" You chuckled. "Maybe I set myself up with that one, I admit. But I was hoping you'd catch on." He chuckled, still breathless. He planted a kiss against your neck. Were you about to have sex? Would it lead to that? Did you mind? Certainly not... Taehyung pushed up slightly, looking down at you. "May I?" You nodded and he smiled widely, pressing a kiss to your lips. Shifting, he easily found his place between your thighs and grinded up against you slowly with pressure, causing both of you to exhale into a sweet needy moan. Your feelings felt scattered all over the place but this wasn't the time to pick them up. You wanted to let go, to surrender, just for this moment. Let go of everything clawing at your back, clouding the sunny skies and draining you. There is nothing more exhausting than smiling pretending everything is ok while whatever inflated issue in beast form is clawing its nails across your back and the scars sting like lemon juice was just rubbed all over you, feeling disgusting and sticky, let alone in pain and with a sore back from the held tension. He grinded again, sensually this time as the tip of his nose travelled up your neck, inhaling your sweet scent. "Mmm" he hummed softly. Your hand made its way to his nape as he settled by your neck. "I could fall asleep here." He chuckled. "Right here in your neck, it's so warm and smells so nice. It's more effective than lavender." "Are you enchanted by my odor?" He laughed his trademark bubble laugh. "I wish you knew how much fun you are." He squeezed you, rubbing up firmer to you with a desperate grunt. "Fuck I can't take it anymore." He stood on his knees, crossing his arms in front of him and grabbing the hem of his sweater, pulling it up and off, exposing his soft skin and toned chest as it fell to the floor. His hand reached for the button on his pants but before making it to the zipper his attention returned back to you with his hands sliding up under your top and pulling it up over your head. "I just want to make sure again... is it ok?" He asked, eyes big. "Yes, touch me, kiss me, do whatever you want just don’t leave the couch. At least not without me." He smirked at this, finally able to surrender to his greed. Taehyung reached for the waistline of your pants, unbuttoning, unzipping and pulling them down your hips with your underwear going off with them. His fingers softly rakes over your skin as he travelled down your legs, your hips lifted to assist him and then they were tossed onto the floor. He reached for his own zipper again but you sat up, quickly swatting his hand away and reaching for it yourself. He was on his knees between your thighs. You pulled them down, sliding your hands over his soft curved hips, revealing his tight fitted boxers with little to any space left for his hard on. You swallowed. He blushed. Relieved that Taehyung took over the lead again you lied back down as his hands gently pushed you back, slipping the bra straps off your shoulders and reaching behind you to unhook and free you from your final piece of clothing. But with this one he wasn't in a rush. He slowly tugged at the lacey fabric, revealing your chest to him as he bit his lip. "Wow." He mumbled and his patience was gone. One hand grabbed your left boob, feeling it and squeezing it softly as the other slipped into his boxer to touch himself. He whimpered, seemingly trembling as a result of his desperation and the discomfort he must be feeling in those tight pair of... he let go of your boob, quickly pulling his boxers down and himself out. You felt your core twist and ache and his boxers joined the pile of clothes on the floor. Taehyung fell forward onto all fours on top of you. Fully exposed, fully erect and a full sight to take in in the dim light in the dark. Distracted and eyes travelling all over him, his hand suddenly cupped your chin, tilting it up for you to face him. His nose graced over yours in a sweet eskimo kiss before his lips, just as gently pressed to yours. Taehyung's hand slid down your neck, your chest and down until he found himself. Your toes curled as you felt his touch where you wanted him the most in this moment, the tip of him slowly sliding up and down your slit, triggering your need even more. Taehyung let out a shaky exhale. His lips were parted and eyes staring right down at your exposed curves. He positioned himself, slowly sliding the tip in, just to feel... just to get some urgent relief... he leaned his head back and his hands landed a tight grip of your waist. He couldn't take it anymore. Slowly and carefully he began to push. Making sure by studying your every expression that he wasn't hurting you and that it felt good. A sweet whimper escaped you, causing him to grin in delight as he pushed in deeper. He was thick... the gentle stretch he caused felt amazing and you couldn't stop yourself from clenching around him, making him moan and managing to make you even wetter just by the sound. With a soft grunt he slipped in all the way. Giving you a moment to adjust to his size, he moved his hand up to caress your cheek with the back of his hand. His touch felt like magic. Like a gentle feather smoothing over your cheek, but slender and strong, with long dainty beautiful fingers. You leaned into his touch. "Does it feel ok?" He whispered. You gave a reassuring nod. He pulled his hips back and thrusted back in, not too soft and not too hard he picked up a slow but deep rhythm for his movements. Your hands felt their way up and across his back, studying every curve and where he naturally flexed as he moved. His hands were firmly holding you in place at the waist, every desperate exhale and every shaky inhale sending almost an ASMR like tingle down your spine via your ear until your name suddenly slipped his lips. Most people feel a fuzzy like feeling inside hearing their proper name be called but this... this was unlike no other time. His deep voice, following a whimper, exhaling your name like a magic spell and it fading into a shiver-causing moan. To put it simply it was the sexiest thing you've ever heard and it activated a whole new part within you that felt foreign but so so so good. Like your blood had suddenly turned into liquid gold, all happy hormones releasing in a firework spelling the world "nothing else matters" in an imaginary sky. You wrapped your arms tighter around him, moaning his name out felt liberating. And it clearly triggered an equal reaction. His cheeks were already flushed and his eyes went wide. He smirked, growing more desperate, fucking your harder and deeper, chasing release. "Please cum for me." He whispered, pleading. "Please." He didn't need to place a formal request, you were already loosing yourself. The only sound echoing in the darkness being the roaring wind and rain along with your breaths and groans and the sound of his hips and your thighs. Wet, heavenly sounds to you. His sweet moans, his broad back, his dick... everything about him made you feel euphoric. The ever building tension below, the sweat forming on his forehead... "I'm gonna cum" he whimpered. Thinking your body couldn't possibly react stronger to him than it already was, it did. The thrusts grew faster, grunts louder and you could feel yourself leak even more. Back arching, tension growing... it felt even tighter now... you could feel him so well, every movement until you suddenly came un-done with a loud whimper to his ear, setting him off into his own orgasm, cumming deep inside with a string of "oh"s and groans, gritting his teeth together and tensing his face in a greedy expression. He slowed down to a halt, remaining inside, breathless on top of you. The light on the sofa table had reached its end and the faint scent of smoke filled the air as the flame went out, making the room completely pitch black. Taehyung's face nuzzled softly against your neck, inhaling the scent of you deeply  and being soothed. "Wow." He coughed, followed by a groan. "Wow." You repeated, happy that the light went out so he couldn’t see your flushed face. "You ok?" He whispered, vulnerability present in his voice. "I didn't go to hard right?" "It was amazing." He let out a breath of release and an awkward chuckle. "I'll pull out.." he said shyly, moving his hips back slowly and gently, slipping out. To your surprise, Taehyung climbed off of you, standing on his feet. The cold air made your nipples ache and your skin shiver. You wanted your human blanket and source of heat back. But you didn’t have to wait for long. A pair of strong arms slid in under you, lifting you up with ease. "The sofa is too tiny." He carried you into your bedroom, gently putting you back down on the bed and laying down on his side next to you, pulling you close to his chest where his heart was still pounding hard. He hugged you tight, caressing the back of your head. His lips pressed against the crown of your head gently. "My good girl." He whispered, sounding almost proud. Your cheeks burned and a weird sense to cry bubbled up but you quickly swallowed it and hugged him tighter, burying your face against his chest. Never had you thought being called a good girl, specifically "Taehyung's" good girl would be able to move you to tears. But maybe it's what you needed to hear, mixed with the hormonal serotonin cocktail your body just released upon you. "You'll always have me." He nuzzled his nose in your hair. With a click the power came back on, including your pink hue nightstand lamp next to the bed. Taehyung's cheeks were deeply flushed, amplified by the flattering pink light cast over him. You giggled.   Had this really just happened? Because it felt so right. Or was it just the relief of sex? But masturbating had never made you feel this emotional before... You looked up at Taehyung's face again and he smiled softly, his hand caressing your bare back up and down. It was definitely him.

[phoenixyfriend]

Thoughts on “Auntie Soka and Little Leia” now that I’ve actually got it posted:

Call it a director’s cut! The process of actually writing the thing, and also jokes made along the way. Link to the actual fic.

Unfortunately, I don’t have the energy for image descriptions, even the text screenshots. Might come back that later. Most of this was DMs with @atagotiak​.

This was an entire thing before I even started writing:

Before I decided on ages and stuff Ahsoka, to Jango, who has had zero contact with Kaminoans: Okay I know I'm a Jedi kid so you hate me but this toddler is your clone from the future. Jango, tired: What the FUCK are you talking about. Rex, barely able to talk: Don't you dare leave me with him, Commander! Ahsoka: I'm not going to leave you I just--I'm so tired I'm so fucking tired I haven't slept in five days and someone tried to kidnap Leia two days ago I am so fucking tired I need help

Ben: [twenty years of depression followed by a 'now I'm safe' breakdown over the course of weeks] Sokari: [whatever the FUCK this mess is]

When Ahsoka mentions there only being three other Jedi at the time of her death,  I was thinking Kanan, Yoda, and Obi-Wan (Leia told her about the latter two living past her). She's not counting anyone that received training after the Temple fell, and she didn’t know about Cal.

When Leia says  “I was adopted and raised by one of the founders of the rebellion, a movement built on the desire to instate freedom and democracy in a galaxy that had lost even the pretense.”

Depa: I'm no therapist but I diagnose you with "incredibly fucked up." Ahsoka: yeah, that’s fair

"Why did you pick Depa for--" She's pretty and I'm gay. Also because of the Kanan thing But mostly I'm gay "It's not a visual medi--" GAY

Empty of context beyond general post-fic AU: "Hey Sokari, we need to engage in psychological warfare against this individual and--" "I'm going to break into his office and leave a threatening note on his desk and leave no other sign that I was there. He'll see that his security is nothing and the only reason he isn't dead is because I'm too nice to kill him." "...okay, not what we were planning, but that works. Why is that your first choice?" "I really like breaking and entering, it's soothing." Ben just standing there with a bland smile like This Is Normal.

"We need someone to infiltrate a highly guarded facility in hostile territory." "So we're sending the Torrent kids?" [sigh] "We're sending the Torrent kids."

Rex and Sokari insist on both going by "Torrent" even though Rex could be a Fett. Jango really wants him to be a Fett. Rex has too many grudges to agree to being a Fett for... a while.

I really hope it's blatantly obvious that Ahsoka's not a reliable narrator for some things Ahsoka: Fett could care less if I died Jango: jfc even if you are older than me I can see you're fucked up. Drink your hot chocolate. Hells. She's got good reason to expect him to hate her as a Jedi! BUT. THAT IS NOT REFLECTIVE OF REALITY

We don’t get a lot of actual characterization for Jango, but the way I played him out here is he has never really parsed that Jedi are people before all this. It's a lot harder to treat them as a monolith when the traumatized former child soldier is having regular breakdowns in your shitty little kitchen

Fett: I respect you Ahsoka: No, don't do that

Ahsoka’s vigilantism is something that, in my mind, she's associating heavily with Zygerria and then the clones.

I figured that she never bothered to learn Quinlan’s teacher’s name but in the process of looking up some basic facts (whether he had a surname), I found that Wookiepedia was forced to give us a VERY wide range of possible death in Legends.

Please take a moment to imagine Quinlan's FACE when Ahsoka initially dismisses him. Quinlan has put a lot of effort into being rogueishly charming! It's very useful for his line of work! He knows to expect either irritation or a return flirtation when he acts like this with people his own age! Ahsoka is not flustered OR rolling her eyes and insulting him, she's just ignoring him and it's a bit of a blow to the ego

This just makes me really happy:

This was the initial comment I made, as a joke What if Maul is just. There. On one of the planets they make a pitstop at. What if Maul exists as the walking problem he is, but fifteen, and Ahsoka immediately tries to kick his ass and drag him back to Coruscant. I do not have room for this plot but What If

Despite not having room for this plot, I proceeded to write this plot.

Maul is kidnapped and it’s the best thing that ever happened to him HE'S FIFTEEN HE'S DUMB AS SHIT AND HAS A BAD ATTITUDE AND YEAH HE'S A DARKSIDER BUT HE'S FIFTEEN

Ahsoka: I sense... Maul [takes off sprinting] Rex: [immediately takes Jango's blaster and runs after her] Jango: Wait who Tholme: Who Quinlan: Who Jango: [looks at Leia] Leia: I don't know who that is either! Ahsoka, already wrestling a teenager to the ground: Oh no, you're a child, REX STUN HIM AND GRAB THE CUFFS, I'M SURE FETT OR THOLME HAS SOME

Fighting him isn't even legal, they have NO evidence of criminal wrongdoing, so first she needs to yell until he admits to something she can fight him about

Ahsoka: When I see Maul, it's on SIGHT Maul: WHO ARE YOU

Ahsoka: The Force didn't give me hands just to NOT throw them when I run into That Crafty Son Of A Bitch

Ben, when they arrive, after the tearful reunion: You... you brought Maul. Ahsoka: Well, yeah, he's fifteen and kinda dumb. I figured we could drag him here and force him into therapy, see what happens. Ben: I can't quite tell through the gag, but I think he's threatening to feed you your own spleen. Ahsoka: Lol, yeah.

Ben is absolutely on team "get Maul therapy" and will fight the Council on rehabilitating the baby Sith But also it's like. Here's your daughter! And your niece! And your daughter's QPP! Also your best friend, but baby, and his teacher, and the biological origin of a number of people you cared for deeply! AND ALSO THE GUY WHO SPENT LITERAL DECADES CRAVING YOUR DEATH, FOR SOME REASON

I just really want Ahsoka lovingly bullying Maul She gives him noogies and the horns don't protect him because girl has reinforced gloves

Maul's only allowed a low-power training saber and his fights with Sokari involve Much Taunting by her and Eventual Screaming by him, and everyone pops by to see: 1. Sokari doing the most absurd flips, for fun. 2. The bullshit that is ataru-shien reverse-grip jar'kai in the hands of someone who makes it work 3. What a Sith lightsaber form looks like 4. Just the general nonsense that is the way these two fight

Tia said “Wrt ridiculous flips. I'm remembering that time she beheaded four Kryst'ad at once.” and I just Rex brings up the quadruple beheading at one point to get someone to stop asking questions and the awkward, horrified silence almost makes him regret it. And then Sokari just snorts and makes a joke about how Rex once speared a slaver point-blank and everyone's just like hello??? "are you two okay" "no"

Maul absolutely starts crushing on Sokari after a 'sword under chin' moment and she's just very "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you're fifteen, bye" GO MAKE PUPPY EYES AT OBI-WAN OR SOMETHING

The crushes are the worst part of everything, really, she's an attractive young woman that can kick a lot of ass, and a lot of people are into that! Unfortunately, most of those people are a decade younger than she is, mentally, because all the people her actual age look at her and see a child on account of the 17yo body.

It’s almost a good thing she’s in no place mentally for a relationship.

I just want Ahsoka to wear beskar.... I think that would be Nice........

This AU is also what caused this post.

I'm deeply enamored by the idea that Ahsoka can win fights against "older" padawans pretty much unilaterally, even when they team up 2v1 And then she offers to fight 5v1 "But only if I have permission to fight dirty." Ben approves it, a horror show full of "I fought many wars and will scream in your face or kick you in the balls if that's what it takes" follows She wins. There are no permanent injuries, but her reputation certainly gets weirder. Nobody under the rank of Knight agrees to let her fight dirty again. She just lets that stand because, well, she's not actually a padawan, she's thirty-three.

I’m not going to write this but my brain was EVIL and suggested it:

IT WOULD BE REALLY SAD IDK maybe 9yo Anakin has nightmares about what's happening to baby Ahsoka because bullshit about time-traveling force bonds IDK ANYWAY he cries to Sokari about the nightmares and she's like "oh shit" and it's time to go rescue herself from motherfucker unlimited

It's either that or she's like, expecting to welcome mini-me aaaany day now, for like, several months, before she realizes Something Went Wrong. Anakin’s dreams could even start right as she’s starting to realize something’s off.

Obi-Wan has never had a padawan that doesn't at some point bite Even Luke will, when pushed

OH also once the twins get Baby's First Lightsaber (training sabers, not real kyber), Sokari begs to borrow them for a dumb joke and tells Rex to get on her shoulders for a "Grievous Greeting" and they do The Thing

Jango and Ahsoka wrt Quinlan is just “Do I need to beat him up for you” “You realize I’ve beaten up sith lords before?”

JANGO'S TRYING He's just. "Can we be friends? Can I--can I be the guy that just noticeably gets in the way of a creep on the subway so you can be more comfortable without someone making a scene? I'm fucking trying here, give me a hint."

We didn’t actually figure out Jango’s age until this point. The only reason Fett's age matters is for Quinlan making a Wild Oats quip after Jango says he didn't know about Rex until a few weeks ago, and Fett going "How old do you think I am? And how old do you think the kid is?" and Quinlan getting Very Awkward as he does the math. Rex overhears and lets Quinlan sweat for a bit before saying "I'm a genetically-modified clone someone grew in a tube, he didn't know or have reason to know until he saw me with Sokari." Which is like. Eight additional layers of WTF, obviously, but at least Jango gets to avoid awkward wild oats jokes

Like, you’d expect the rebuttal to be ‘he’s my brother just with a biiig age gap’ or ‘he’s my nephew’

I find it very unfortunate for Quinlan that I've decided his defining characteristic in this context is going to be repeatedly putting his foot in his mouth

He’s trying so hard but "That sounds like a cool thing, maybe I'll ask ab--and it's another fucking trauma."

I'm doing Ahsoka&Jango t w i c e (there’s another fic where I’m doing it)

It’s just a fun dynamic! So much resentful respect.

Like she's twenty seconds away from calling him a bitch at any given time and he's just there like "I don't like you but I do see you move like you're about to tell an entire building to get on their knees with their hands in the air and I can respect that" Also she's probably much less judgmental about using blasters than Obi-Wan is The Maul subplot actually started with me daydreaming about Ahsoka grabbing a blaster for Reasons

I like the idea of Jango just deciding the most Useful thing he can do is help teach the Smol how to fight. He's AWKWARD around Rex and Soka because he doesn't know if there's anything he CAN teach them.

I didn’t actually plan for Tholme to figure out the age thing, he just SAID it and I had to sit there like Wait.

Ahsoka, Rex & Leia: ahhh, children Tholme: you say that like you aren’t children

I liked getting to write Rex's little "I have worked with all of them, and they're all Terrible" He loves them But They once got stranded on a planet that didn’t exist and Ahsoka died and Anakin killed a god.

There was research and discussion as to whether Ahsoka could win against Tholme but seeing as she held her own against Vader, and fought Grievous at that physical age without dying, etc.... yeah, the only thing holding her back was her body not being what she was used to, and she’s had a few weeks go adjust.

“I miss being able to just jump off skyscrapers” is such a jedi thing

Jango: I'll take the gun back if he tries to leave, they can't get far before--WHAT THE FUCK He knows Jedi are scary but he’s still not really used to just how over the top ridiculous they are He knows how to deal with Jedi in battle, not Whatever The Fuck These People Are Doing

Rex isn't even a Jedi, he's just so used to working with them. “Oh yes time for free-falling without a parachute again, same shit as always.”

Tia: I’m imagining Jango freaking out and Quinlan and Tholme being like. Concerned but mostly exasperated Clearly if they’re jumping off buildings it must be serious? But jfc they could’ve maybe communicated a bit more?

Leia: I want to finish my juice Tholme: Quin, stay with her while we go figure out what those two are doing. Quinlan: Wait what

Jango: Oh now he’s jumping off a building too??? Tholme: Sokari, you are not registered! You can't legally jump out windows yet! Jango: What the hell is going on? Is this normal?

We don’t necessarily know how often Ahsoka and Maul ran into each other after Mandalore. There was the later thing on Malachor, but other than that I'm just going with the idea that they ran into each other every year or two and just went for the eyes like feral cats

Ahsoka: I need to kick ass and you're coming with me. Rex: Yeah, okay. [several minutes later] Rex: Whose ass are we kicking?

Ahsoka and Rex

Neloms aren’t a SW fruit to the best of my knowledge, I just wanted to mess around with lemons/melons

Jango: you didn’t think any of this through, did you? Rex: you were there, you know we didn’t "When the Jedi says to jump out a window, I jump out a window."

Tholme’s real composed about stalking the ancient nigh-mythical enemy of his people, very “Life is already so goddamn weird”

This fic has been so heavy on the trauma but then I introduce Maul and suddenly it's the worst kind of comedy Nobody is competent, everyone's a little dumb, the bad guy is just grocery shopping

My propensity for banter has turned this into a six-person buddy cop comedy about Maul buying grapes They spend a significant amount to time ineffectually stalking Maul before Quin suggests the sensible option Quinlan just "You remember this is my literal job and specialty right"

Ahsoka sees Maul and all her brain cells go out the window except "Fight good" Usually she doesn’t need to worry about doing things legally. Maybe she needs to worry about someone seeing her do illegal things but she spent the past 15 yrs in a place where her existing was illegal

I feel like he’s also maybe kinda wanting to reassert that yes he is competent. Bc like. Ahsoka’s been kinda condescending this whole time and also can beat everyone up so. It's not his fault that he's actually the youngest person there, but.

Jango is finding this whole being friendly to Jedi thing a lot more overwhelming than he thought it would be. And overwhelming in different ways.

Maul usually signifies things getting worse and more horrifyingly tragic but he's just a dumb teen that they needed to arrest for his own good.

Quinlan: Look, I'm useful! Ahsoka: I've been through hell, wanna hear? Quinlan: NO. I DON'T. WHY.

Quinlan: I understand the concept of joking about your traumas, I do it sometimes myself! But sith hells that’s a lot of trauma.

Quinlan just wanted her to treat him as a Competent Individual, and here she is whipping out stories about Dying and Gods and the Force insists it's the truth and he just???? And apparently emo darksider over there is a Sith. And just, sure. Why not

A lot of people’s interactions with the time travelling disaster lineage is just

Tholme and Fett arguing and  Ahsoka's just waiting for a moment to pop in with "Hey, when's the last time either of you worked with the other's culture before this mess? Yeah, that's what I thought."

Much like Leia and Ahsoka hurting each other earlier, and Tholme figuring out the de-aging, we ALSO have Fett’s confrontation with Ahsoka being something the characters just did, rather than something I planned.

FTR the only time I managed to trigger myself while writing this fic was the “your behavior isn’t actually acceptable and we’ve all been trying really hard to give you room to recover but you have to at least make an effort to not be a bitch”

Writing about people having PTSD and symptoms of such: Yay! Writing about people having PTSD and engaging in toxic behavior to cope: Shit Ahsoka had... basically my exact reaction. It's "remind yourself that you're in the wrong, that they have a point, and then be overly formal in the apology because fuck if you accidentally make them feel sorry for you when they're the injured party"

Quinlan: Can we be friends? I mean, you're an asshole, but you're really cool. Let's be friends. (He MIGHT be nursing a crush) (Neat mysterious girl who can beat him up.)

Also he realises she's probably nicer when not having a slow-motion breakdown He's like "Huh, you'll probably be less of an asshole once you've gotten therapy."

...also, she pretty and got Nice Biceps

I love writing a good mental breakdown

I was so close to including a "he tried to kill me" just early enough for Jango to wildly misinterpret as her thinking Quinlan tried to kill her. He'd have been very confused, considering Quinlan's the one that called them down in a panic and currently has Ahsoka having her massive breakdown in his lap But

Tia:  I could see Jango interpreting it as idk, Quin resembling someone or for a moment acting like someone who tried to kill her and she had a flashback or something like that

There's absolutely room for a couple reasonable interpretations there And "trapped in a flashback about someone who tried to kill her" is absolutely what's happening! Just. You know. For a different reason. Jango probably wouldn’t assume Quin would hurt her, for one thing he seems to like her, for another even if he did he’s smart enough to pick a way that wouldn’t be so likely to get him caught

I had to step back and actually say “Also I'm just. Wow. I'm really just shoveling QPP Rex&Ahsoka at full speed”

Me, a few weeks ago, joking: Two halves of the same idiot black ops specialist Me, now, entirely seriously: Two halves of the same idiot black ops specialist

Me, belatedly: Oh, Ahsoka being joyfully mean to people was a form of mania she was unconsciously using to build a barrier between herself and her impending meltdown

She went from "just died" to "in charge of Rex and Leia" in like. Two minutes.

Confession: I've been delighting in the mental image of this whole Mess leading Jango to try to retake Mandalore, and Ahsoka loans him a saber for a 1v1 to get the darksaber.

“Can’t I just fight him barehanded? That’s how I did it on Galidraan.” "But the drama, Fett!"

Probably Rex has learned how to use a saber as well, because you never know when you have to borrow a weapon

I later changed my mind to Jango asking her to help, rather than her just sneak-teaching him, but it was funny.

Background nonsense to all this is Ahsoka and Rex, despite Rex being as force-sensitive as a lump of coal, having developed a process where she can extend her sensitivity to him mind-to-mind for weird symbiotic battle trance that scares everyone around them. It’s very similar to Battle meditation.

CONTEXT FOR LEIA BEING WORRIED ABOUT THOLME HIDING THINGS: Tholme is hiding the fact that the Council reached out and told him that the people he picked up might be connected to Ben and Luke, who showed up after the Depa thing but a solid week and change before Jango's ship makes it to the Temple. They asked that he not share that information to avoid getting anyone's hopes up in case the two situations aren't related. Ben and Luke haven't shared enough information for anyone to really be sure if the other three are connected Because the info Tholme has isn't quite the info Jango has, etc. And they can't just say Ben is a future Obi-Wan over comms

I just have a lot of feelings about people trying to do something right and just. Nobody's at fault! Not really! It's just complicated!

Tia: I like how when Ahsoka isn’t doing maladaptive trauma response stuff she’s very mature. And of course she’s had to be but it’s a good like, contrast. Where when she slows down to think about things she’s very sensible

Jango just spends most of this story lowkey wanting Ahsoka to Be His Friend but there's too much baggage that he's only metaphysically responsible for

Local aroace(?) has a squish

Ahsoka: He just wants to get on my good side because of Rex. Jango: I'm pretty sure you could kill an entire army without trying but you wouldn't because you have actual morals and stuff... and when I met you it was because you were killing yourself trying to keep (what appeared to be) children safe... you seem cool please be my friend.......

Ahsoka’s #1 weakness: mountains of trauma Ahsoka’s #2 weakness: she just doesn’t get why so many people think she’s cool and want her to be their (girl)friend

Jango, a 27yo massacre survivor who's killed Jedi masters with his bare hands: [gets lectured on various government structures by a tiny girl that's missing several teeth and needs to sit on books to see the table properly]

Ahsoka was raised in a religious meritocracy but developed all her opinions during a galactic war and then became a vigilante spy, Rex comes from a military cult, Leia is from an inherited monarchy that participates in democracy, Quinlan was originally from what appears to be a dynastic dictatorship, and IDK about Tholme other than that he is also from the religious meritocracy. And in legends Quinlan came to the religious meritocracy after his aunt sacrificed his parents to a vampire cult and then forced him to experience the psychometric echoes of that. There's just. A lot going on.

Leia at least has knowledge about structure and admin in theory that isn't based in either the military or populations under 10k

Jango: I want to be your friend. Ahsoka: Sounds fake.

I am unfairly fond of "Rex destroys a conversation by bringing up his own horrifying childhood and calling it a cult"

"Why does Sokari call you 'Rex'ika'?" "Because she's older than me." "...can I--?" "No."

Nickname privileges are extended ONLY to Ahsoka and older clones. There are no more older clones, so it's just Ahsoka.

Me joking about Star Wars AUs: Would you like a crackship? Me writing actual Star Wars fic: My favorite character type is apparently “too traumatized to have a relationship” so this is at least 90% gen.

I had to pull a scene opening at one point because Ahsoka's skill with not getting shot is actually much less useful than Tholme's clearance levels.

Now I really want a team-up of Ahsoka, Rex, and Jango where they do have to get in a dogfight of the "she flies, we shoot" variety and Fett just has to scream because the speeder thing to catch Maul was one thing, but this....

Ahsoka, before TCW: I know all the traffic rules but I'm not that great at flying! Ahsoka, after TCW: I'm great at flying but if you let me behind the wheel we are absolutely getting arrested.

She went from "knows the rules but doesn't have the skills" to "has the skills but primarily in the form of not getting shot" which! Is delightful! "Bet I can get us through that alley--" "DO NOT"

Jango and Ahsoka are both just very "Is this friendship? Is this camaraderie? My heart's been fried on platonic love by so many murders that I'm not sure anymore." "I've lost a lot of friends. I kind of forgot how to make those."

I have no idea if "hasn't been closer than Alderaan except that one trip to Chandrila" is canon-compliant but ehhhhhhhh It feels plausible enough?

Belatedly realized that I could just explain my optimal Rex&Ahsoka dynamic as just... drift compatible. It's vague enough on the specifics while still digging into the meat of what they mean to each other and how they work together. The terminology is already in existence. I can just use it.

Romantic? Platonic? Familial? Doesn't matter! They're drift compatible.

They are important to each other and that is what matters

I really like the Leia&Quinlan thing. He's just like "This small child needs a friend that isn't super depressed," and decided he's going to be her friend. I keep trying to toss in "Quinlan volunteers to 'baby'sit." She's not much older and she has a Baby Brain, it works out

There's a running bet as to whether Leia will leave the Order the second she turns thirteen, or if she'll let Sokari "train" her for a few years first. And... that’s how I came up with Leia Antilles, Senator of Serenno.

They'll be bullshitting Ben as her new master to "finish out the padawanship" since they can't tell everyone she's really in her thirties and he's conveniently there and already knows everything and was half her master anyway. Like Ben was planning on taking on Luke, but Luke is "six" and even he can't swing that as old enough to be a Padawan, and it's not like Sokari will take more than a handful of years to justify knighthood, sooooooooo

[darkcircles4lyfe]

retrospective & predictions

Since we're on a hiatus week (between 320 and 321) I feel like waxing poetic about the depth and growth of bkdk for a bit. Especially because it seems like we’re right on the edge of their biggest development yet, I’m getting the urge to lay all my perspectives and insights I’ve picked up from others out on the table. This is ultimately only my subjective interpretation of subtextual material in canon, though. If you’ve never quite understood what people see in their dynamic and you’re actually open to hearing me out, maybe from this you can at least see where we’re coming from. And if you don’t like my takes after all, well, we’ll see who’s right in the coming chapters, won’t we? What I have to say can be taken platonically or romantically; I appreciate both. 

putting it under the cut, since it’ll be long:

At the risk of projecting, I want to start by examining a couple things based partly on personal experience.

From many different directions, I often hear people expressing that Deku’s persistent attachment and admiration for Bakugou is baffling at best. Despite the bullying, despite Bakugou’s loud, rude, and uncompromising personality, he still puts effort into their relationship and frequently describes him as amazing. It seems like Deku himself is aware of this as he’s said things along the lines of how he’s difficult, BUT... etc. Although I don’t think it’s exactly that Deku finds Bakugou’s personality hard to be around, but that he’s deliberately expressing patience for Bakugou’s emotional turmoil. 

I have to say I know what this sort of patience is like, as I went through it with someone I love. I only chose to put up with their behavior because I decided the possibility of what our relationship could be was worth it. I wasn’t blind or submissive to how they treated me, and I wasn’t coerced. I simply expressed myself and established my boundaries while still allowing them the opportunity to join me in my world once they got over their own hangups. And guess what? It worked out in the end. That doesn’t mean there aren’t circumstances where it’s better to cut ties, but I want to stress that true reconciliation is possible sometimes. I used to worry that other people around me thought I was delusional for seeking it, but what really helped was my therapist reminding me that I’m smart and strong. So I think Deku deserves to feel the same. In a way this is his whole mission in life, his approach to being a hero as well as his personal relationships.

Let me also be clear though that I don’t mean Deku is only tolerating Bakugou’s personality, his mannerisms, the parts of him that will likely never change. I’m drawing a line between those things and his emotional state (they so rarely align anyway, but I’ll get to that later). In fact, I think Bakugou’s general attitude is part of what Deku admires. This is gonna be hard to explain without inserting personal experience too, sorry. As a writer myself I’ve noticed I’m drawn to writing characters that are brazen and bold and don't mind telling people off. Really it’s because I operate in the world in the polar opposite way. I try not to draw attention to myself, I’m quiet, and I’m a people-pleaser. People who project confidence, especially in an impolite sort of way, fascinate me. It’s good to take cultural context into account, too: I've heard people who’d know better than me that part of the reason Bakugou is the most popular character in the Japanese fandom is likely because he contradicts a lot of their social norms. His disregard is refreshing and cathartic. I can speculate that Deku has a similar point of view based on what he thinks but does not admit about Bakugou being his image of victory and how this sometimes makes him mimic Bakugou’s speech and mannerisms: 

There’s also the bit in this fight where Deku realizes he's the only one able to receive Bakugou’s emotions. This is because he’s the most intimately familiar with him and his situation, but I think there’s another layer. Deku, as we know, has a self-sacrificing tendency, and in the current chapters we’re seeing the worst side of that. But let’s also not forget that to an extent, it can be a positive trait: resilience. When it comes to Bakugou, he has an almost comical ability to dodge the potential fallout of his outbursts. The example we all jump to (and fight about..) is how in ch1, apart from the initial shock of Bakugou suggesting he jump off the roof, the most he reacts is to criticize him for saying such a ridiculous thing. However, I think their interaction post- sludge villain is a lot more interesting:

Note two things: 1, in his head, Deku is practically making fun of how Bakugou’s acting as he stomps away without waiting for a reply. It doesn’t faze him. 2, Deku thinks, optimistically, that he can now focus on a different career choice. This is astonishing really. Up to this point, none of Bakugou’s attempts to put him down have worked; he just kept pursuing his dream. The only reason Deku concedes in this moment it because for the first time, he has been shown that he really couldn't do anything in a fight against a villain. All Might told him he couldn't be a hero (although he’s literally about to take that back in the next few pages lol) and the other heroes at the scene gave him a lecture about it too. It was those experiences, and not Bakugou’s words, that truly affected him. And when All Might tells Deku he can be a hero after all, it’s not thinking of Bakugou’s bullying that makes him sob and fall to his knees, it’s the memory of his own mom never telling him those words he so desperately needed to hear. Having spent most of their lives together, Deku must have been aware all this time that Baukgou was influenced by larger societal forces rather than a core judgement, so he didn’t take it personally. He separated the person from the action, and because he’s resilient and patient, he is thus equipped to handle Bakugou’s emotions. It’s a testament to his maturity and emotional intelligence, really. 

But I can almost hear some of you saying, “that doesn’t mean Deku should have to be the bigger person here!” Correct! Just because Deku is perfectly alright bearing all of that, doesn’t mean atonement-era Bakugou sees it this way. We can track his awareness of Deku’s care and selflessness as follows-

The bridge scene, when they’re little kids: Bakugou conflates Deku’s heroism with pity, and subsequently thinks Deku is looking down on him because Bakugou’s own insecurity makes him defensive.

The Sludge Villain, and also Deku vs. Kacchan Part 1: Bakugou witnesses first-hand how easily Deku jumps to risk his own life, but still thinks he’s being looked down on. 

The Sports Festival: Bakugou fights Uraraka and recognizes her endurance strategy and refusal to give up as very Deku-like. He’s half right. He thinks Deku advised her in the fight, when in reality she just mimicked Deku because she admired him. I want to draw attention to his very sober comment about her not being frail. It’s a great endearment of Uraraka’s character and Bakugou’s respect for her when others didn’t take “fighting a girl” seriously, but it also reflects on his opinion of Deku. Deku isn’t weak either. He never was.

Deku vs. Kacchan Part 2: Deku finally corrects him about the whole looking-down-on-him thing, and Bakugou is informed that Deku’s selflessness is in fact the reason All Might chose him. Since Bakugou had been in search of what he himself was “doing wrong” for All Might to favor Deku over him, he now has to reconcile the fact that selflessness is a heroic trait, and moreover something he lacks. This is also possibly the first time Bakugou is able to see his past actions toward Deku as bullying since he previously thought it was more mutual. Additionally, Bakugou can now link Deku’s selfless behavior to what he perceived as pity/contempt, and realize that Deku has been giving him A LOT of grace. Maybe too much. Maybe more than Bakugou deserves, and definitely more than Deku should have to. Holy heck- now Bakugou has to figure out how to live up to all the faith that’s been placed in him. 

Subtextually, we can see Bakugou’s feelings about atonement reflected in the Todoroki family:

1, Shouto is another example of Deku growing a friendship using his selflessness (since their fight in the sports festival) and their relationship is being acknowledged here where it hasn’t been in Bakugou’s situation. Perhaps Bakugou is wishing it could be so simple for him, to be able to thank him for being his friend like that. Deku saying the pleasure is all his also probably calls to mind how a mere apology from Bakugou would probably be dismissed because that’s just the kind of accommodating person Deku is. Bakugou has to operate more quietly in order to actually make up for their past. I personally don’t interpret this scene as Bakugou being jealous of Deku and Shouto’s friendship, exactly, just the lack of emotional baggage. Side note, Deku and Fuyumi are kinda similar in their desire to repair relationships. I like that she’s the one to give him some credit. 

2, With the common terminology, this can be interpreted as Bakugou receiving a model for atonement, one that is about action, and nothing to do with receiving favor or forgiveness. It’s a sense of duty. 

Many of the above sentiments are repeated in the flashback conversation between All Might and Bakugou right before Bakugou’s sacrifice. 

Bakugou acknowledges his bullying and that it happened because of his own insecurities, but aside from that, it’s interesting he neither confirms nor denies All Might’s suggestion that he’s trying to atone, or that Deku doesn’t see it that way. All Might is a bit of an unreliable mentor sometimes, but I don’t think he’s misreading here. Rather, Bakugou is displaying his tendency to hold back when talking about things that would make him really emotional. Besides, admitting to what he’s doing kind of defeats the purpose. He isn’t seeking acknowledgement. All Might has gotten to the crux of the issue here when pointing out that Deku doesn’t recognize the atonement, likely because Deku doesn't think Bakugou even needs to atone. Am I reading into it too much to say Bakugou looks wistful at this? It’s kinda frustrating sometimes trying to interpret Bakugou’s actions because he’s so paradoxical. Loud and in your face, but also extremely reserved. Sometimes I feel like I’m grasping at thin air, but hey, being hard to figure out is part of his intrigue as a character. The simplest way to look at him is to assume that unless he’s really showing vulnerability, he’s probably deflecting and hiding something.

Speaking of Bakugou’s tendency to to hold back emotional stuff, there’s his apparent lack of issue with Deku calling him Kacchan. Maybe to begin with, in his warped perception of things where he thought they hated each other, Bakugou saw it as Deku’s way of getting back at him for calling him “useless,” and didn't dare give any indication that it actually bothered him. However... consider how betrayed Bakugou has appeared when he was noticeably thinking Deku was looking down on him- the bridge scene, and the beginning of their first year at UA when he thought Deku was hiding a quirk all along. He looks shocked and hurt. That kind of emotion couldn’t be invoked by someone Bakugou didn’t actually care about his relationship with. “Kacchan” comes from a long time ago, before their relationship was strained, so it’s connotations are pure. Maybe somewhere deep down, Bakugou has always been hoping that Deku’s continued use of the nickname was not simply a matter of habit or teasing, but a vestige of friendship they’re both clinging to, and Bakugou himself was too afraid to admit to himself that he felt this way about it, so he mostly ignored it. (These are not original thoughts I am having here lol, this is a common interpretation. I’m just laying everything out like I said.) 

And now we turn to the current situation. Personally, I’ve been looking frantically back and forth between them wondering who’s going to break down first (Deku vs. Kacchan Part 3, this time it’s just a fight to get the other person to cry? ha.) Both have looked like they’re approaching a breaking point for some time. Also, I’ve addressed this before, but I think it’s significant that Bakugou is no longer wearing his mask with his hero costume, in contrast to Deku recently donning his own. It feels symbolic of Bakugou about to be upfront about how he feels.

The question is, what is it going to take to get Deku to accept help? If you ask me, Deku has dug himself so deeply into the I’m-doing-this-for-everyone-else’s-safety-and-smiles hole, no common sense argument can possibly reach him. By the end of 320, Deku’s mask is off, and we can see how desperate he truly is. But he has not cried, yet. I predict we’re going to see a bit more of his defiance, this time on full display on his face as the remaining class members and his other friends take their turns. But then I think Bakugou has to be the one to break down so Deku can witness his actions having the opposite effect he intended. People have been pointing out that Deku is currently ignoring Bakugou, and oof, that’s gotta be intentional. Regardless of what Bakugou says, it’s going to be wrapped up not only in his understanding of Deku’s self-sacrifice, but also the betrayal Bakugou feels at being ignored/left behind that ironically echoes his previous perception of being looked down on, as well as a need to express how much he cares about Deku before it’s too late. He must show that the two of them are inseparable because they both act to save each other without thinking, and both feel like losing the other would be like dying themselves. All Might may have been right when he told them they could learn from each other after Deku vs. Kacchan Part 2, but he didn’t fully realize that idea by making sure they stuck by each other for support and balance. 

I can’t wait to see what it’ll be like when they do finally get to that point, totally in synch and in tune with each other. They’ll be a powerful force no one is quite prepared for. Who knows when that will be, or even which chapter will be their big showdown, but I know the day is coming.

To speculate even further, I think the 2nd user is going to be really important really soon. And no I don’t mean to suggest that the 2nd user is Bakugou. But I do think their resemblance is key. Okay this is gonna be convoluted...

See how 2nd is the only one still standing? I think that’s symbolic of him withholding his quirk. Deku may not even know what it is at this point, let alone have unlocked it. Given that 2nd approves of Deku’s strategy at this point, it seems odd for him to withhold his quirk based on lack of faith. I think if his quirk was something that would help Deku in combat, he would have shown it to him already like the others did. So what if those gauntlets of his are support items that are meant to make up for his lack of a combat-oriented quirk, rather than to augment it? Mind you, I still have no idea what his mysterious power might be, but I’m dead set on it not being explosion-y. Regardless, I think 2nd looking like Bakugou is more about aiding some grand visual parallel, so! You know how 2nd and 3rd were probably intending to do away with Yoichi but 2nd changed his mind as soon as they made eye contact? This is really a long shot, but I wonder if 2nd’s quirk has something to do with that exchange. Maybe it’s something psychological, or some 6th sense about people he meets. So... in that way 2nd’s quirk could play a role in bkdk reaching a deeper understanding? Idk! But it could be significant at least that 2nd left Yoichi’s question about why he reached out to him unanswered. 

One more thing- while I was gathering screenshots I found this. I think “you’re the last one I’m telling” might be foreshadowing for Bakugou revealing his hero name to Deku and it being a Big Deal:

As for other lingering threads in the overall plot right now, such as the UA traitor, Stain, whatever Tsuyu is apparently about to do, All Might’s car maybe in the background of the last page of 320... man I have no idea. All I know is there’s literally 320 chapters’ worth of build-up to this confrontation that can’t be interrupted. 

See you next week <3

[skellebonez]

14. With a possessed monkie kid? (Doesn't have to be my au, i just crave possession stuff rn fbsbfb)

Oh you gave me so much power. I have too much power. I had to write this ASAP before Friday, I did not want the idea I had to be tempered by what happens in the finale. Since this is supposed to be set a couple weeks after what could possibly happen. Spoilers if you haven’t read the summary for S2E10.

This may not be in your Possession AU, but it takes a little inspiration from it because I love it!

Warning: vaguely described injuries, blood. Reminder that I think Macaque can be severely hurt but is immortal to the point he can heal any injury.

Am I scaring you?

“Hey- don’t scream it’s just me- You guys seen MK around?”

Despite Macaque’s request, Pigsy and Tang continued to scream. It wasn’t surprising, really. It wasn’t every day that an enemy your friend/person you see as a son just revealed to you a couple weeks earlier had attacked him twice in ways that had left him pretty messed up and questioning his choices and abilities just pops their body from the shoulders up out of the shadows on your wall without warning. Doubly so when very shortly after learning all this that person does a heel face turn and joins your side without technically joining it against everyone’s will and is still kind of an asshole.

The immortal monkey needed to work on that last bit. Maybe he could upgrade from “asshole” to “jerk face” in the eyes of Team MK if he brought drinks. He didn’t really care though, he just wanted to make his own life easier. At least Wukong had been... somewhat open to letting him stick around, given MK convinced them to talk when they were too exhausted after the giant mech battle to actually fight each other, and that made their joint training sessions with MK much easier. That still took getting used to.

"Has MK been acting... off to you lately?" Macaque asked after Tang and Pigsy stopped screaming and levied him with unhappy glowers at the intrusion. One more note to add on the ‘things he should probably stop doing if people want to not hate him’ list, announcing himself better. "I know I'm kinda knew to this whole ‘technically not being a bad guy and caring a bit about other people’ thing and all but he seems..."

‘Not being a bad guy’. Nailed it.

"Dead inside?" Tang deadpanned. "Yeah, we kinda noticed."

“A little more blunt than I was gonna put it but yeah,” Macaque stepped out of the shadows fully, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly as Pigsy grabbed a wooden spoon and held it. A warning that he would not hesitate to chuck it at him at the first excuse he needed. “He’s been acting odd around both me and Wukong. Which, you know, given everything that happened I get it, but he hasn’t come to his last three training sessions at all.”

This, unlike everything else he had said, seemed to make the two men pause.

“What do you mean?” Tang asked, pushing his glasses up and looking at him oddly. “He’s been leaving for those on time like normal.”

“Ah, well, you see,” Macaque chose his next few words carefully. Being honest, truly honest without theatrics or planning in advance to help him, was a new undertaking for him so he stumbled through it. “The first time it happened Wukong astral projected to him and they talked and he seemed ok enough, like he just needed a break. The next time it happened I kinda... followed him? Just to make sure he was ok, no evil shadow business! He just kinda wandered downtown the entire time, looking like he was lost without being lost. If that makes sense. But yesterday he did the same thing so I did the same thing and I found him just kinda... sitting in front of the entrance to DBK’s old hideout?”

Instead of making the two men more concerned, this seemed to make them both deflate.

“Yeah...” Pigsy said softly, lowering the spoon just a bit. “He’s been doing that. We, uh... we had Mei follow him a couple times on deliveries because he was acting off. He did the sitting thing a few days ago too, just while he was on break or if he finished his deliveries early. He’s been doing that a lot lately, like he wants to get things done fast so he can do whatever he’s doing.”

“But he isn’t even doing anything!” Tang said, gripping his hair with one hand. “It’s like he’s just... sitting? Like he just wants to be alone maybe? Sandy’s been talking to him, trying to help him with the cats and everything, but he thinks he needs to see his therapist instead... I think he’s right.”

Macaque frowned for a second before forcing a wide smile on his face. “I thought so. I think Sandy may have the right idea too, you should talk to him. OK BYE-E!”

Before the two men could react he fell backward into the shadows and dissipated. He had somewhere to be.

~

Just sitting... no. Macaque was sure of it now as he watched MK sitting in front of the hole that still had not been filled since DBK had left the Flaming Foundry, cloaked in shadow behind littered debris. His conversation with the Monkie Kid’s elders confirmed the immortal’s suspicions.

MK was waiting for something.

And that meant something was deeply wrong.

He hadn’t lied to the duo in the noodle shop, but he hadn’t told them the full truth either. Macaque had been following MK for the last week, already knew about Mei himself, partly out of curiosity at first but also out of Wukong’s own insistence. He was worried for his successor and knew that Macaque could keep a quieter eye on him than he ever could, and Wukong... Wukong and MK, despite their renewed training, were not on the best of terms right then. Not after he learned what the vacation really was, not after he learned that his mentor knew about the White Bone Spirit the entire time. They were still close! Closer than MK was to Macaque when he trained him at least, just. Strained.

Watching his two teachers finally talk for once and work out what actually happened all those centuries ago, showing that Wukong wasn’t just an unflappable hero but a person who made mistakes and had worked to better himself and would continue to do so because he was a person, probably softened that a bit. He was still upset but much less so in the week after the defeat... but this last week it was like all that had been undone too quickly. It started slowly, but after four days it was like they were back to the day he learned the truth but so much worse.

For the last three days MK was so quiet, reserved, completely unlike the loud and excited guy Macaque knew and like he just wanted to be left alone to sit and not interact with anyone. Tang said he was acting like he was “dead inside”.

That... wasn’t an entirely incorrect descriptor. It was like he was hollow and just going about the motions. Or like he had closed off everything inside of himself for some reason.

Wukong was terrified. He’d been talking to MK every day he didn’t come to the island to train via astral projection, and Macaque had just watched another conversation between the two end half an hour earlier. Macaque tried the same thing but didn’t get nearly as far as Wukong had been, and talking to him like this seemed to make him less likely to just up and leave (the few times Wukong had just come to MK instead made it clear how uncomfortable he had been, ending the conversations with a quick jump from the staff before Wukong could convince him to stay, so they decided to go with what made him more comfortable to find out what was happening).

So that was how they operated. Macaque watched MK. Made sure he was at least physically ok. Wukong talked to MK, didn’t force him to come to the island and wouldn’t show up unannounced. But despite them communicating more than they ever had it was like he was telling Wukong less than he ever had before. The one thing they didn’t tell him was what Macaque was doing.

“Am I scaring you?” MK suddenly said, loud enough for only Macaque to hear. His tone was... wrong. “You’re not nearly as sneaky as you think you are, Six-Ear.”

“What?” Macaque shot up and out of the shadows, eyes wide. MK had never called him that before.

The man before him stood, back to him and headband and coat oddly still in the blowing wind.

And then he jumped.

“MK!” Macaque reacted without thinking, diving down the hole after his Wukong’s student. He knew that he would be just fine, he could handle being thrown into a mountain so he could handle jumping down a giant hole, but the sight was too sudden and horrific for him to remember that at the moment.

Except he wasn’t there. When Macaque landed, the crash of his boots hitting the rocky ground echoing through the artificial cavern, he was alone.

Something was even more deeply wrong than he could have ever imagined.

“MK! Kid! Kiddo!?” He called out, all six of his ears out to catch any hint of movement. “Come on, you told me off for calling you Kiddo just last week, get angry at me so I know you’re ok! Tell me you’re a Monkey Man or something!” Macaque tried to keep his tone light, words lighter with an awkward laugh at the end of his sentences, but it only served to make the sinking feeling in his stomach worse. The opposite effect he wanted to accomplish. “Say something damn it!”

Silence. Everything was... silent. The only thing Macaque could hear was his own breathing, his own heartbeat, the rushing of blood in his ears... but nothing else.

Then a laugh. Low and soft and wrong and Macaque’s eyes widened as he realized his mistake.

He knew that laugh.

He also knew the feeling of the staff. He felt it during their first battle, when MK pulled every ounce of lingering power to defeat him. He felt it during that climactic encounter with Wukong, when his eye was damaged beyond repair.

He felt it now, as it jutted through his stomach without warning. Covered in blood.

Huh... that was kind of new, actually. He hadn’t felt a new sensation like that in so long.

The staff was pulled back and out of him quickly, driving him to his feet as he held the new wound and listened and nearly imperceptible footsteps made their way around him. How had he not heard... no. No he knew now. Now it was obvious what had happened.

Why did his wound burn like that? Why couldn’t he stand? He should be able to move, he wasn’t this weak!

“He beat you,” He groaned out, coughing as he tried to stay upright on his knees. “You should be-”

“Dead?” MK asked, voice his own but tone completely different. The black on his shoes were blue. As Macaque looked up he could see most of the color on his outfit had faded to white with blue accents. His eyes, the only think about him physically to be different, a brilliant blue to match. His headband was gone from around his head, instead used to help slick his hair back and out of his face. “How can you kill what already isn’t alive? No, I just waited in this body until I was able to influence him enough to make him... compliant. Much easier that way, actually.”

Either his vision went fuzzy or the world around them did, MK moving closer at a speed that shouldn’t be possible. His hands were grasping Macaque’s scarf tightly... this felt far too familiar.

“If you had been the dragon girl or anyone else I might have just killed you, you know,” MK’s voice said as he tilted his head to the side, an almost playful smile on his face. “But this is much more fun, and preferable. You can relay the message for me, once the poison I coated the staff in wears off and you heal anyway.”

Macaque was dropped unceremoniously onto his back, letting out an agonized yelp as he hit the ground. MK stomped on his wound, earning another scream.

“By then myself and this body will be long gone,” MK chuckled, stepping over Macaque completely to walk further into the foundry. “I must thank you, you played into my hands so much better than I ever planned on. Getting you all to work together to ‘beat me’ was just far too easy.” He stopped, turning to smirk at the immortal shuddering on the ground.

“I haven’t had a body this powerful in centuries,” the White Bone Spirit said with a laugh before vanishing in a fuzz of his vision and a wisp of cold air.

[mettywiththenotes]

320 bits I wanna talk about

Iieda looks like he’s doing the *inhale* before the BOI IF YOU DON’T- meme. Something along the lines of “BOI IF YOU DON’T GET YOUR ASS BACK TO UA-” kind of thing lol.

He holding something in definitely. Maybe charging up for an attack? Idk but he sure seems concentrated

Actually, Iieda seems kinda considering. Maybe he’s weighing up if he should join in the fight, as if he’s asking “Will I have to fight Midoriya, if it comes down to it? Or can the others handle this?” Something tells me he doesn’t want to have to weigh in on the fight. Maybe tear into Izuku verbally, but fight? No I don’t think he wants to do that

But also, I find it interesting that that black panel of text is under him and then it cuts to Bakugou yelling at Izuku. I mean, it could very well be Bakugou thinking that, but if that’s so, then why is Iieda the first person we see?

So, I think it’s Iieda thinking that. Tensions are rising, it seems. I’m expecting his turn to be full of a lot of emotion, or at least trying to get across to Izuku that he feels betrayed but mostly just wants Izuku to come back home.

I don’t really know what’ll happen with Iieda exactly, but I’m totally interested to see what happens

I know Bakugou has problems with his emotions and words and stuff, but I also think here he’s trying to anger Izuku in order to get him to fight back, maybe so he’s more angry than flexible in a fight, so the end result would be Izuku getting too angry to predict anything and eventually tripping up, and that’s when 1A could capture him.

The one thing to remember about Izuku is that allowing him to think is going to be the opponent’s downfall. We saw in the Kacchan VS Deku 2 fight that Bakugou knew this and so kept attacking as much as possible so Izuku wouldn’t have time to think. Which worked, because Izuku is great at analysis, so making his “Win” attitude [getting competitive therefore putting more energy into attacking than strategy] come out over his “Save” attitude [you’re my friend and I want to help you] is kind of a weakness of his. That’s kind of one of the reasons he lost that fight.

Then again, maybe Izuku has improved since then? I don’t really know but I think enough time has passed for him to have maybe improved more on that so idk we’ll see

I really love Bakugou’s expression in that bottom screencap lol

His wound!! All bandaged up!! I wonder if there’s a scar there or smthg :O

LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I know Enji or Bakugou probably gave them details about the multiple quirks but I still find it wild that everyone just knows now

KOUDA! MY SWEETHEART! I’m glad he’s getting a part in this too, along with Sero. Two of them who didn’t really hang around Izuku but still want him to come back :’)

Sero and Black Whip! Finally! I mean it’s not much but it’s still better than nothing

Also, seems like Sero is trying to taunt Izuku to get him to attack him maybe [same as Bakugou feeding into Izuku’s competitive side] soooo idk Sero following Bakugou’s lead? Maybe :)

Look at how,,,, innocent Izuku looks,,,,, *head in hands* AND SERO TEACHING HIM!!

I knew this lil moment would come bite me in the ass at some point, I knew and yet I’m still tearing up goddamn

That “I thought she was going to tell me its a useless hobby” bit really drives home how Izuku’s friends are 1A, that he loves them and they were the only friends he’s ever had [except Bakugou but he was a bully at the time so I’m not really gonna count him for back then]. HOW many people before UA had gone around and told Izuku his taking notes hobby was useless? SHOW me the people!

I, mettywiththenotes, will NOT allow anybody to slander one of my own!

I know it’s like the only moment Izuku and Ojiro shared, with the sports festival thing, but it’s still really sweet that Ojiro sees that Izuku stood up for him

*head in hands*

Shouldn’t this kid be more worried that he’s likely going to get kidnapped?

“Yeah this super evil villain guy has decided he wants to kidnap me and take me away, but like nbd guys really, that’s why I left in the first place! So I wouldn’t be a burden!” Somebody get this kid a fucking therapist or some shit

This is kind of a chilling and pretty scene though. The rain falling above Izuku and him looking down with these piercing green eyes likely being the only light between them. Good stuff.

Satou! Aha I like how he’s pulling all the stops, such as “I WON’T LET YOU BORROW MY INGREDIENTS FOR ERI!”

Also let’s appreciate that Satou caught Ojiro and Jirou and managed to land on a freaking traffic light. The balance on this kid! Very well done

Kaminari putting Izuku in a headlock! How cute :)

Be cuter if they weren’t trying to subdue a martyr-complex cryptid from killing himself, but still

Does Shouji have some kind of support-item?? Or could he always do the stretchy thing?? Or I guess maybe he’s just stretching his arms out like branches [like he usually does] and using them as more like a capture weapon rather than his usual stuff. I don’t think we’ve ever seen him use his heteromorph body and quirk for anything other than the 5 senses, though I could be wrong

Also Shouji remembering what Izuku said at the training camp, I’m so glad! Shouji always seems like the kind to be so protective over his friends, so I’m glad he remembered that. Then again, Izuku did compare them to freaking ALL MIGHT, but if the nice analytical kid in your class who knows your limits and strengths says you could basically beat A GOD, then that’s definitely one for the memory scrapbook lmao

“It’s nice and dark here, Dark Shadow.” Who said that?? Kami or Izuku?? I just have this mental image of Izuku being shrouded in darkness and trying to keep his eyes open from falling asleep haha

Tokoyami remembering that from all the way back then!! It makes me think that not only have Bakugou and Izuku been watching each other, but that Izuku has always had everybody’s eyes on him! Which is true, he’s inspired everyone! It goes both ways; Izuku loving his friends, and them loving him back :’)

Kami telling him to take a bath lmao I love it. Finally somebody said it

*ugly sobbing noises*

This kind of segment, with a mask falling, a space in-between and a reveal, reminds me of Compress’ reveal :) In that, the person is hiding their identity and then when the mask comes off, they reveal who they truly are underneath

While Izuku is of course determined to go after AFO and is quite the fearsome powerhouse, I really think when he takes off that mask, he’s showing who he really is underneath - a scared little boy who just wants everyone to be happy

JESUS, SHOUTO REALLY IMPROVED HIS QUIRK HUH!! LOOK AT IT, IT’S EVEN HIGHER THAN THE SKYSCRAPERS!!

“The burden placed on you... it doesn’t allow for tears, right?” He sounds so sassy here.

Kind of like saying “Oh you look upset. But that’s weird, I thought Heroes weren’t supposed to cry.” Lol it really shows here how pissed Shouto is at Izuku

But then he relents from that snark and is like “Hey, come on, we’ll share this burden. I’m not letting you go it alone, remember that we’re all here.” :’)

I love when Shouto is sassy and passive aggressive but I also love it when he shows that soft side of him

Okay, this is something I really love.

Tsuyu didn’t join the Bakugou Rescue Squad because “they would be just like Villains breaking the rules”

But here she is, learning from that regret of hers and coming right back to make sure Izuku isn’t the one struggling. She wants to be a part of this rescue squad and pick up where she left off :)

Tsuyu has always struggled with her regrets. It was shown after Kamino when she cried, but for me, I only realised this fully during the Joint Arc when she had her regrets about not making better decisions and not being quick enough [I think that was it].

“I won’t cry in such a flurry” reminds me of “I want to live a life without regret” and so that’s what she’s saying here. This won’t be another regret of hers. She wants to do her best to save her friend

“When scared, you’re allowed to tremble when it’s tough, you’re allowed to shed tears. That’s how you become a Hero like in the comics.”

I feel like that quote piggybacks off of Shouto’s “Heroes cry too”, in that, this is now 1A comforting Izuku. This is them fully coming up to him and telling him that they can help, and that he’s allowed to feel sad about his situation. Shouto’s quote was the teaser, while this entire chapter [and the rest that come to follow] is the main course.

And this is exactly who Tsuyu is. Reassuring, comforting, someone dependable. It says a lot that she’s come from not going to help in Kamino, confessing her feelings and crying about it, then coming back in a similar situation and offering her help - that she’s not willing to just let an opportunity go to better herself. I think I remember reading a few posts on her crying after Kamino and saying it was “performative” or that she just “wanted attention” or smthg like that, but I think she’s really just quite an honest person, and here she is making a great show of how she won’t let something like her guilt slow her down from being the hero she wants to be.

[A part of me feels like this is also a little more evidence with the whole People Not Caring About Bakugou’s Feelings Of Helplessness but like. I digress. It kinda counts but at the same time, it’s not what is going on at the moment.]

Seeing everyone try to reassure Izuku was lovely, and I can’t wait for the rest. I’ve seen a lot of people waiting more for Bakugou’s portion of the battle [AND YEAH DUDE ME TOO] but I really feel like Bakugou’s won’t come until like 2 chapters later or something.

Cause, if this chapter is anything to go by, we’ll probably get through Mina, Mineta, Kirishima, Hagakure and Aoyama next chapter, and then we’ll move onto the “more important” conflicts which will be Iieda and Uraraka, and if their segments are chocked with tension drama and tears, then Bakugou will have a whole chapter to himself hopefully.

Which means we’ll probably have to wait 2 more chapters until we get that sweet, sweet Bakugou chapter :( I hope I’m wrong and it comes sooner than predicted but whatever

I know for some people, that’s all they want, but personally I love these little bits that reflect on the background characters. As someone who isn’t really obsessed with the background characters but also likes them enough to appreciate their development/the little moments they have, I gotta say I really liked this :)

[nadisabug]

Plus One

Pairing: Oikawa Tooru x reader

Genre: angst, hurt/comfort, fluff

Warnings: cursing

Word Count: 3.1 k

Summary: You would do anything for Tooru, but is he asking too much when he asks you to be his plus one to his sister’s wedding?

A/N: Thank you to my lovely betas @luvnami and @snoozless !!!!! This is for the HQ Hangout Net’s Spring Formal Event! Everyone check out the other amazing works everyone else did @hqhangout​ !!!

This was too much.

You felt like imploding. 

The pressure in your head was just too much to bear; tears welled at your eyes and a solid lump was forming in your throat. This was just too much. 

However, you kept up your facade. You were still smiling, eyes dry, looking up at Tooru. 

And he was smiling down at you. 

“Well?” He asked again.

There were a lot of things you could do. You were talented, not that you recognized it yourself. But you were strong, you could do anything you set your mind to. You could say ‘no’ and stand up for yourself. You have done it before. 

Like when that chump from your class asked you for your homework. Or like when he then asked you out on a date. Or like when he had asked to put his name on a project that he had done now work for. 

You could say no. 

You should say no. 

So why didn’t you?

-------------------------

“Hajime, I am going to die,” you groaned into the phone. Tooru had just dropped you off at your house.  You called your best friend as soon as you could, still reeling from the life-changing conversation.

“Well, I mean, what did you say?” His voice was level and calm like always, even though you were in hysterics.

“I don’t have a dress,” you sighed. 

“Y/n, that’s basically a yes.” 

“I am aware!” 

“What did he say?”

You fell silent. 

“Y/n, what did he say?”

You mumbled your response, pressing your mouth to the end of the phone. 

“Well I for one can’t fix that. You’re screwed,” he said matter-of-factly. 

“Don’t say that Hajime! You’re supposed to make me feel better!” 

“He wants to go dress shopping with you, on top of being his date to his sister’s wedding, you’re doomed. I'm sorry that’s just how it is.” 

“Hajime!” 

“What, what am I supposed to say? I want to be optimistic but this is kinda the worst it can get. Especially since you’ve been in love with him sin-”

“I am not in love with him!”

Hajime didn’t respond. You sighed. 

“Fine I am, but how does saying it help anything?” 

“I’m just trying to get a better sense of your situation.”

“Oh really? It sounds like you’re trying to rub it in.”

“You know I would never,” Hajime sighed. 

“Yeah, you’re a good friend,” you paused. “A really good friend, the best friend. How long have we been friends? Quite some time right, I was thinking-”

“I am not coming with you and that is final.”

“Please, Hajime, I’m begging you.”

“Well beg someone else, Y/n, because I am not third wheeling.”

“Hajime, it won’t be third wheeling!”

“Yes it will, it’s a no and that’s final!” He paused for a moment. “Sorry, Y/n, but I just can’t. It’s already too much having to play therapist to you both talking about each other.”

“Oh shove off,” you rolled your eyes. “He does not like me.”

“Whatever,” Hajime sighed. 

“He does not. If he did, why wouldn’t he just ask me to be his date like a normal person?”

“Really? This is Shittykawa we’re talking about.”

“Okay true, but still. He had plenty of chances to date me back in high school and he never did.”

“You never made a move either,” Hajime noted. 

You didn’t respond to that. 

“How long has it been since you last saw him?”

You had to think about that for a minute. It had been years since you graduated high school, back when you saw him on a daily basis. You guys still talked all the time, but you really didn’t see him that often. 

“The night that he came to my house to tell me goodbye. The night before he left.”

Hajime hummed. He knew all about that night, you had called him as soon as you had gone back inside. It felt like he had something else to say, but instead he changed the subject.

“When are you guys going?”

“About that…”

“Oh no…”

“He’s waiting outside for me right now.”

“Right now? What are you doing talking to me then?”

“I said I had to do a few things then I’d be out. It’s fine.”

“Well you better get going. We’ve been talking for a while.”

“Please come with me?”

“Ahaha, no. Bye.”

“Wait don’t hang-”

You were greeted by the click of the receiver. Great. You tossed your phone beside you and sighed. You were sprawled out on your bed, in the same position as you were when you first threw yourself onto it. 

You laid there for a second, cursing your luck. Well, it wasn’t really your luck, you were the one who said yes anyways. You felt tears beginning to form in your eyes, but you shook them away. You got up and changed out of your work uniform and into better clothes for dress shopping. 

------------------------------

“I am not wearing that,” you spat angrily. 

“Aww, why not,” Tooru purred, sliding up to you while holding the offending dress out in front of him. 

“Because I like my privates to be private, thank you very much,” you rolled your eyes and pushed him away. 

The piece was a strapless, v-neck dress with a slit up the side. It also had holes in the sides, like those vintage swimsuits you saw in old magazines. It was a pretty color, but you knew you could not wear that in front of Tooru. 

“Okay, fine.” Tooru put the dress away. You knew he only plucked it out to tease you; he didn’t actually think you were going to wear it. 

“Why do you need a date again?” You asked while perusing the dresses. 

“Because,” he sighed. “I begged my sister to allow me a plus one and she finally granted my wish so I can’t show up alone.”

“But she knows me. She won’t believe that we’re dating,” you sighed. 

“Well…”

“What?” You whirled on Tooru. 

“I already told her that I asked you out… and you said yes.”

Your jaw dropped. What were you supposed to say? Tooru had that look on his face, the one where he knew he had done something wrong but was trying to weasel out of it. It never worked on Hajime, but on you… you could never resist his honeyed eyes. 

“What did she say?”

“Finally.”

You laughed, genuinely. As if anyone would think that you two would get together. Tooru was just… out of your reach. 

“What? Is it that ridiculous that we could be dating? I’m hurt,” Tooru pouted. 

“Yes it is, as if you would ever date me,” you answered honestly, knowing in your heart he could never love you.

“And why is that?” He asked. You missed the look in his eyes as you pulled out another dress. 

“Because,” you shrugged. “You only see me as a friend, a little sister if I may be so bold. Now what about this dress?”

“But what if I didn’t,” Tooru smirked and leaned on the dress rack. 

You rolled your eyes. 

“Then I’d eat this dress. Simple. Now come on, what about this one?”

“Let’s try it on.” He smiled. “Then we’ll see.”

----------------------------

“I’m gonna throw up,” you groaned. Tooru just rolled his eyes at you. 

“No you’re not, you’ve seen my family a thousand times, this is no different.”

“Yes it is!” You hissed. “Back then I was a little sister, now I’m a fake girlfriend.”

“Well, they don’t know about the fake part, so can you keep quiet about that?”

“Whatever,” you sighed. You watched as he knocked on the familiar door, an unfamiliar sensation in your gut. 

You heard clamoring behind the door and suddenly you were swept up in Mrs. Oikawa’s arms. 

“Aw, Y/n, I am so, so, so happy you are here, and especially why!” She pulled back and you saw tears glistening in her eyes. “I always knew you and ‘ru would get together, I am just sad it took this long!” 

A sharp pain ripped through you. “Yeah, of course.” You forced a smile. 

“And ‘ru, how dare you take so long to confess!” She whirled on Tooru and hit him lightly on the shoulder. 

“Ah, sorry Mom.” He shrugged it off, scratching the back of his neck with his other hand. “I guess I am just slow to the uptake.”

“Yes.” Mrs. Oikawa nodded solemnly. “It was obvious you both liked each other way back in high school.”

“It was?” You stammered. 

“Yes, of course, the way you guys used to look at each other.” She smirked. “And still do.”

“Yeah,” Tooru said softly when you did not say anything. 

“Now let's get you two inside, we have a lot to do!” 

You were then rushed inside and whirled around as preparations fell into place. The rehearsal dinner flew by quickly. You didn’t have many responsibilities as a guest, so you spent your time talking to members of Tooru’s family. Which was… awkward, to say the least. You already knew all of them (you found out that this was supposed to be a very small family event) so it was awkward reintroducing yourself as Tooru’s girlfriend. It was harder because technically you weren’t supposed to be here. 

You found Tooru in a gap in his busy schedule and pulled him to the side. 

“Why didn’t you tell me this is a family affair?” You seethed. 

Tooru smiled shyly. “That’s why it was such a big deal that Sis allowed me a plus one, that’s why I just had to take you.”

“I hate you,” you spat angrily, but Tooru just smiled. “Do you know how many people asked me if we were engaged?” He leaned down and kissed your forehead. 

“Now is that anyway to talk to your fiance?”

Your jaw dropped. “You didn’t.”

“Just kidding, love. Don’t worry, we’re not engaged yet.”

“I hope your family gives you so much shit when we ‘break up.’”

Tooru frowned. “About that I-”

“Tooru? Where the actual fuck are you?” Tooru’s sister nearly screamed. 

“You better go,” you sighed. 

“Yeah.” Tooru frowned. 

He looked like he wanted to say more, but decided against it when his sister screamed for him again.

--------------------

The wedding was beautiful. It was a small affair at a local meadow, with blooming wild flowers surrounding the guests. It was ethereal, overflowing with the spirit of spring. You sat alone next to family, as Tooru was a part of the wedding procession. After the ceremony, the reception took place at a nearby banquet hall. You were shuttled off into a separate car from  Tooru, but you didn’t mind. You had made friends with one of his cousins and you had been talking with him to pass the time. 

“So when did you and Tooru meet?”

“Back in high school,” you responded easily, recalling the memory fondly. “He came up to me randomly in class and demanded that I be the volleyball club’s manager. I had said no, of course, until his friend had asked me a bit nicer.” 

“Sounds just like him,” he scoffed. “Only concerned with himself.”

“Yeah,” you agreed absentmindedly. 

“So what made you date him? I mean, no offense, he’s my cousin and all, but why do you even like him?”

You paused for this question. What did you like about Tooru?

“I… well… everything. I didn’t like him at first, I actually hated him. He was so arrogant and cocky and rude, but after a while I realized that there was so much more to him.  He’s dedicated and strong. Tooru puts on this facade for other people so that he can be strong for them, too. He understands people and helps his teammates, he treats them like family. He’s so receptive and intuitive, you really can’t hide anything from him. He’s just… so perfect, yet so layered. He is so raw and human and I love that about him. I love that side of him, the one no one ever sees. So I guess I just love everything about him.”

“Wow,” he laughed. “Wasn't expecting that.”

“Sorry.” You shrunk in on yourself.

“No it’s fine, I was just gonna say I’ll shoot my shot if it doesn’t work out with him, but it turns out you really like him.”

“Oh,” was the only thing you could say.

“Can I have a pity dance?” He extended his arm towards you. 

You smiled. “Sure.” 

He led you out onto the dance floor and swept you up into his arms. You followed his lead, not really sure how to dance, but he assured you that you could just follow him. 

“You know, you look amazing in that dress.”

“Ah, thank you,” you smiled. “You don’t look so bad yourself.”

“Thank you, I can clean-”

A person behind you cleared their throat. You turned to see Tooru. If you were anyone else, you would have thought he looked pleasant, with the soft smile on his face. But you weren’t just anyone else. So you knew that there was a rage in Tooru’s eyes. 

“May I speak to Y/n?”

“Actually, we’re in the middle of a dance so-”

“That wasn’t a question,” Tooru smiled, closing his eyes and tilting his head. 

“Tooru,” you hissed. “Just let us finish the-”

Instead Tooru grabbed your arm and tugged you away from his cousin. The cousin scoffed and threw his arms up. 

“Calm the fuck down, Tooru. She’s all yours.”

The cousin walked off, and right after you whipped around to face Tooru. 

“What the actual fuck is your problem?” 

Tooru looked around him and then grabbed your arm again. “Let’s talk somewhere else,” he urged. You looked around to see a commotion beginning, with you guys at the center. You bottled your rage for a moment and allowed him to lead you outside. 

Once you were out of earshot of the guests, you let loose. 

“Oikawa Tooru, you explain yourself right now, because that just now was not okay.”

“He was hitting on you, I heard him,” Tooru responded, his face set into a scowl. 

“So? And if he was? What right have you to step in?”

“I-”

“No,” you cut him off. “You have no right. I’m not even your girlfriend!”

Something flashed in Tooru’s eyes, but you were too angry to analyze it. 

“You’re right, I’m sorry.” Tooru hung his head. 

“You should be. You’re just so obsessed with your image that you don’t want a guy to hit on your supposed girl.”

“That’s not it,” Tooru bit out, looking up to meet your gaze. 

“Oh? Then what? Do you have such little faith in me that you think I would leave you for your cousin at your sister’s wedding?”

“No.”

“Then what? Then what Tooru? What in the world could drive you to do something so fucking stupid-”

“I was jealous, alright!” When you didn’t respond to him he took a deep breath. “I was jealous,” he said again, except much calmer.

“Why?” You breathed softly. The air was tight between you two, and you felt like if another person yelled it might shatter.

Tooru slumped. “Don’t make me say it.”

“No,” you shook your head. “No you don’t.”

“Yes, I-”

“No, Tooru, you don’t. You are just hurt over your girlfriend and you're reaching out for something, anything, and I will not be it so don’t you dare say it.” You felt tears welling up at your eyes but you willed them down. 

“Y/n, I’m not. I actually-”

“Don’t you dare,” you warned again.

Tooru sighed. “Y/n, do you know why she broke up with me?”

You didn’t respond. 

“Y/n… she broke up with me because she realized that I was in love with you.” 

You blinked once. Twice. You took a deep breath and tried to process what he just said to you. 

“How…” It was the only thing you could mutter, you were too taken aback. 

“I was just talking about you and she asked me. She asked me if I loved you. I couldn’t lie to her any longer.” 

Your heart raced in your chest and you looked into eyes, searching for any dishonesty. The sheer earnestness in his gaze made you swallow thickly around the lump in your throat.

“How long?”

Tooru sighed and reached up to scratch the back of his neck. “Dunno. Been a while though.”

It fell silent. 

“So what do we do now?” You asked. 

“Well, will you give me a chance?”

“Pull that shit with your cousin again and it is a no.”

“Okay, okay, I said I was sorry I just didn’t like the way he was looking at you and you technically weren’t mine yet and I-”

You reached up and kissed him. It was a passionate kiss, years of pent emotion behind it. Once Tooru reciprocated, it just felt like he was smashing his face into yours, desperate to be closer. You pulled away, Tooru chasing you with his lips. 

“Calm down, I’m not going anywhere,” you smiled at him, cupping his face. 

“I know I just-” Tooru stopped mid sentence, but he really didn’t need to say more. You understood. 

“Tooru, where the- oh.” 

You tried to look behind you to see who it was, but Tooru was holding you too tightly. The best you could do was crane your neck to catch a glimpse of white. Tooru’s sister.

“About time, bro,” she laughed. 

You looked up at Tooru. He had a sheepish smile on his face. The gears in your mind suddenly slotted together. 

“She knew it was fake? But… then… why…”

Tooru didn’t answer, instead his face grew red and he averted his eyes. 

“He wanted to take you the whole time, sweetheart. He’s just emotionally constipated so he can’t ask like a normal person.”

“I am not!” Tooru cried indignantly. 

“Whatever, I need you back in there so you got five minutes with your new girlfriend before I drag you back in there. Got it?”

Tooru nodded. You heard the door close behind her and looked back up at Tooru. 

“You’re lucky I like you,” you sighed, shaking your head. 

“I really am.” Tooru smiled brilliantly. 

Then he leaned down and stole your lips in another kiss.

Taglist: {OPEN}

@tanakas-hugs-and-kisses , @snoozless 

[hailhydra920]

Branded For Ruin

Chapter 1: Scary Chairs and Evil Elevators

Summary:  Bucky Barnes just wants to be a better person by living alone and eating ramen. Too bad court mandated therapy and the girl he met in the waiting room have other plans.

Warnings: None

           The gentle hum of the air conditioner was the only noise occupying the waiting room. Pale orange walls encircled empty chairs. Chairs lined up for waiting patients, soft autumn leaf designs etched onto their cushions. Bucky hated those chairs. He hated the color, the design, the overall shape of the chairs, but what he hated most was the cushioning. Every time he sat in one, it felt like he was getting sucked into an unknown abyss, and he couldn’t grab onto anything to escape because his hands sucked into the soft arm rests. Bucky hated a lot of things, but these chairs were close to the top of the list. Yeah, he could just stand.

           Leaning against the wall, he stared at his tennis shoes. He had just recently bought them, and they were surprisingly comfy. He could walk a lot lighter now that he didn’t have his boots anchoring his steps into intimidating struts. Sensing another person enter the room, he looked up. You were walking toward one of the chairs, your face void of emotion. You sat in one of the chairs, and Bucky’s heart rate sped up. He watched as you slowly sank into the cushions, and he wanted to scream to tell you to get up. You had felt someone staring at you, and you stared at the man who was occupying the corner. He quickly tore his blue eyes away from yours, his heart slightly relieved that you had not been sucked into an unending abyss. Reaching for his hair to drape over his face, he frowned. Right…haircut. He felt exposed and vulnerable right now and tried to make himself as small as possible.

           “James.” Dr. Raynor called out.

           He lifted his head slowly and began to amble toward her. He didn’t feel light on his feet anymore. His new shoes now seemed heavier than ever as he edged toward the door of Dr. Raynor’s office. Sighing, he walked into the bleak room. Therapy was another thing he hated. Some days he wished the government would take their soft chairs and pestering therapy away, and he could live alone in the woods eating a lifetime supply of ramen noodles. It was one of those days.

~~~~~

           “What’s on your mind?” Your therapist, Dr. Earnest, asked as he leaned back in his chair.

           You sat quietly, legs crossed, foot moving wildly. The man out there, he seemed so…scared? Hurt? You didn’t really know, but what you did know was that he looked mortified that you sat in one of the chairs. Maybe it was his chair? It makes sense. Dr. Earnest sighed and clasped his hands together.

           “Hello? I need you on earth.” He said as you snapped out of your thoughts.

           Your foot began to move faster.

           “Huh? S-sorry. Kinda got lost there.” You said as you uncrossed your legs and planted them on the soft carpet floor.

           “Did you have any nightmares last night?”

           Your leg started bouncing. The heel of your foot nearly touching the ground with every bounce. “Can’t have any nightmares if you don’t sleep.”

           Dr. Earnest sighed and rubbed a hand over his face in frustration. Or was it disappointment? You honestly couldn’t tell the difference anymore. You waited for him to look at you again, this time with tired eyes. He pulled his notebook closer to him and began to jot down a few things. Oh, so you guys were back to that now. He flipped his pencil around, trying to erase his mistake, but the eraser was basically gone, so metal scraped against paper and you cringed.

           “Did you do your commitment you made last week?” His voice was more irritated than usual, and both of your legs started to move.

           “Uh, I waved at my neighbor, um, Charles, I think is his name. He didn’t wave back though.” You said with a shrug.

           Dr. Earnest eyed you before jotting a couple things down. “Did he know you waved?”

           That… That was another thing. “Well, you see, I was kind of behind the bushes and he had no idea I was there, but you never said he had to see me.”

           Another sigh of disappointment escaped his lips. “The point of social interaction is that you interact with people who know you are there.”

           You laughed loudly. “If you wanted a patient that was good with social interaction, I think you got the wrong job.”

           “I’m too old for this job.” He muttered as he shook his head.

~~~~~

           “James, take a seat.”

           Bucky closed his eyes as he took a deep breath. The couch was still there. The couch he had told her he did not like. It was just so…nice. But at least this couch didn’t swallow you up like a starving whale, unlike the chairs in the waiting room. He didn’t want to ruin it, that’s what he told her last time.

           “Can I stand?” Bucky spoke gruffly.

           Dr. Raynor sighed. “If it makes you feel any better.”

           Bucky nodded his head and shifted his weight to his right foot. Rays of sunlight filtered through the peach-colored curtains, adding a somewhat comfortable glow to the otherwise threatening room. Dr. Raynor started talking, but honestly, he couldn’t hear a word she was saying. His thoughts were on the girl who sat in the death chair in the waiting room, and why she was going to therapy. He didn’t know why his thoughts were on her, but it was a nice change for the horrible thoughts that usually plagued his mind.

~~~~~

           Bucky walked toward the elevator with slow steps, his head down. A soft reflection of himself looked up at him from the shiny floor and he frowned. Reflections were a hard thing to look at, but another easy thing to hate. Some days he saw a man, others he saw a monster. Today he was a mixture. He could outline a man, but a monster bubbled inside and he huffed. Finally making it to the elevator, he looked up. It was you again. You were occupied on your phone, eyes focused on the screen.

           The soft hum of the elevator and light bounce let you know you were moving. The man from earlier was standing in the other corner of the elevator, but you were too scared to start a conversation. You kept your eyes focused on your phone screen, which was just on the home screen. You hardly did anything on your phone, but you used it as an excuse to look busy. Fingers danced across the screen, acting like you were doing something. A loud groan of the elevator made you freeze. No, no, no. Not today, please not today.

           Bucky’s blue eyes surveyed the elevator with worry. A harsh stop of the elevator made both you and Bucky topple over. His heart rate sped up dramatically. The elevator stopped. Why did the elevator stop?! His breathing became erratic, and he started to gasp for air. He felt like he was in a containment cell with Hydra again. He saw you glance over at him with concern, but he began to curl himself into a ball. Fear and anxiety began to blossom in his chest, and it hurt. He could faintly hear your soft voice, telling him to breathe. Elevators. They were added to the list of things he hated.

Perm Tags:  @sleep-i-ness​​​ @thefridgeismybestie

[stainedglassthreads]

A list of my thoughts on Omnipresence Over Mortals, spoilers obviously-- 

-On the one hand, delighted because we got both confirmation of Signora Crimson Witch AND her true name, her kickass boss music(which maybe shared a leitmotif with Childe’s did I hear????), confirmation of a Sheet Heat-esque mechanic, AND from her expressions, implication that maybe she feels a bit of remorse over people losing their Visions, despite remaining adamant they were a ‘necessary sacrifice’, even giving us a chance to back down from the battle and leave. (Or perhaps it’s just how much I love female villains who are morally grey and rely on Violence And Arson over seduction coloring my perceptions. Either way, Playable Signora When!)

-On the other hand nooooooooo Signora died I wanted her to reunite with Bloodstained Knight. And also roll her. The second I heard it was a duel to the death I was very sad-- and then got distracted by Crimson Witch confirmation and kickass battle music. 

-On the anomalous third hand, goddamn she still insists on going down fucking fighting. Like, kinda futilely since the Fatui already had the Gnosis by then, but good job Signora. I love you you have butterfly motifs and they represent reincarnation, please come back. 

-On the increasingly alarming fourth hand, there seems to have been at least three days between Yae doing hostage exchange with Scaramouche, and Signora doing diplomacy with Raiden. Was there not enough time for Scaramouche to report he had gotten the Gnosis and for the Fatui to be withdrawn, or did he just not bother to tell Signora because he didn’t like her? He did refer to her and Childe as his ‘least reliable colleagues’ (’Least reliable, despite Signora being the one to gather two Gnoses, and being seemingly more  active than him in pursuing a third. Is it just that they’re impulsive and emotional, or does he really view them as weak or foolish compared to the other nine Harbingers?) 

-On that note, I have a feeling that that bone marrow... it’s probably gonna come back, as will how he seemed to be using the Traveller’s anger to fuel... something. At first I thought he was just kinda being an arrogant little shit, but he was purposefully baiting us. I’d say clever, but observing the Traveller’s dialogue options... they’re kinda ALWAYS two steps away from snapping the nearest Fatui’s neck, honestly. So it really isn’t that hard. 

-Also, that Ei cut ties entirely with Celestia by giving up her Gnosis years ago... it wasn’t the lore I was hoping for, nor was the reason she was gathering Visions ultimately the one I was anticipating. I was kinda hoping that she’d realized Celestia could spy on people through their Visions, and was confiscating them so they couldn’t see shit about Inazuma. But her cutting ties with Celestia, and confirming that Khaenri’ah is a major motivation in halting Inazuma’s progress and creating eternity... is still interesting. That’s four for four Archons who want nothing to do with Celestia so far. (Since Dendro was promoted exactly 500 years ago, VERY curious what their stance on Celestia will be, I still strongly believe Sumeru will be a major turning point somehow.) 

-I love boss fights where you just have All The Buffs. I also love that the end of the fight was just... Yae refusing to let her friend keep sulking all alone. I would have preferred an Ei who was a little more morally dubious, but I still like the version we got. Loneliness and loss fits with the themes of prior archons and does a lot to humanize her-- as does Yae comparing her to a child throwing a fit and locking herself in her room. 

-Also... Baal and Beelzebul. The former Archon ‘Baal’ really being Ei’s twin sister. Damn. I didn’t expect it, but I should have. There wasn’t much direct foreshadowing for it, but there’s been such a strong theme of siblings this entire game, and the Archons have such a strong theme of grief and death. It only makes sense the themes would collide in such a way for ONE of the Archons. And likewise, them both being ‘Baal’ explains why there’s never much distinction made in the books and history between the present Raiden Shogun and the past Raiden Shogun. Because from the people’s perspectives, they were probably extremely identical and always assumed the same name and role. That said... it leaves me wondering if it’s foreshadowing Abyss Twin or the Traveller dying, as Ei and Makoto have been the only other set of twins we’ve met so far. 

-We should ask Ei about our twin. Watch as she realizes the kind of loss Traveller is going to, and attempts to make amends for trying to kill us by ripping a hole straight to the bottom of the Abyss. 

-I like Ei. :) I am happy she is still alive. Even if Signora was not. 

-You know what’d be even better tho? If her Gnosis were still in her body and we did keep the Fatui from getting it and we befriended her and then in Snezhnaya Celestia calls the Archons to assault the nation and we see Ei in her puppet body but now another is pulling the strings and we have to fucking fight her again but this time she is Our Friend and doesn’t wanna do this and Tsaritsa uses her as an example of why she was gathering Gnoses while Ei physically strains against Celestia’s bonds and-- 

-Also that walk, after killing Signora while slowly leaving the Tenshukaku.... that was so fucking creepy, I was wondering if the Tatarigami(?) was still affecting the Traveller and gonna make them ill. It did an excellent job conveying their mental state. And that cutscene with the resistance and Kazuha! A bit sad he didn’t really get any lines, he said in the prologue he’d ‘seek answers from the Shogun too one day’, I kinda wanted him to at least ask after his friend. 

-So I guess Teppei’s just gonna die of old age huh. The resistance stuff at the very beginning felt a little rushed, I did see that Teppei was advancing through the ranks Weirdly Quickly, but it could’ve been cool if he tried saving the Traveller from some danger and Traveller realized ‘Hey what the fuck? What’s my friend doing with a delusion? How’d you get that, Teppei? Put that down, we need an infirmary and we need to tell Kokomi’ 

-On that note-- if using a Delusion aged the resistance at an excelerated rate... why don’t Childe and Diluc look all that old...? Does having a Vision protect them somehow? If the manga is still canon, did using a Delusion age Crepus Rangvindr into dust? 

-Signora please come back you were at Sumeru Academia you can tell me all about Sumeru while we wait for it to be released, let’s chat Old Mondstadt and Cataclysm history, Signora-- please Signora, please elaborate on your voicelines and maybe we can get you a good therapist-- 

-Also who is Lesser Lord Kusanali? I thought Dendro Archon was a he, but Lesser Lord Kusanali seems to be a she? Was the God of the Woods the he? Is someone other than Kusanali the Dendro Archon? But also as a fan of Marielda, oooooooooh FUCK YEAH KNOWLEDGE IS HOARDED KNOWLEDGE IS A RESOURCE LET’S BE KNOWLEDGE SMUGGLERS LET’S GO

-I wonder if Vision distribution is also restricted in Sumeru-- since Lisa seems to have uncovered some Forbidden Knowledge about Visions, and Knowledge is a resource, perhaps it’s also heavily restricted who can get a Vision-- and if Dendro wielders are pursuing knowledge in some way, they’re even smaller in number to prevent them from finding out Too Many Secrets...? 

-Celestia lore in Sumeru! Please Celestia Lore in Sumeru! 

-Also, Lisa character quest act 2 as prologue to Sumeru please? 

I may have forgotten some things I found interesting, and I have not yet played Ei’s Character Quest.