#that's literally how i spent my evenings like after 11 pm it's just me in the dark

[insertsickusername13]

okay yes toxic jake and chloe i love it. screaming yelling fighting, angry sex in bathroom stalls and school custodian closets and ruthlessly spreading rumors and absolutely hating each other for years but still ending up back together when it's dark and they're alone. jake and chloe who are shocked back into reality after the fire and squip and realize they're better off with other people yes yes endgame richjake endgame pinkberry or whatever other ship you want BUT also jake and chloe broken up but jake and chloe still in love with the idea of each other

jake and chloe in january after the fire when chloe comes out as lesbian and jake's so supportive in public but the second he's alone in his apartment he's in tears because I was supposed to marry her. It was over, he knew it was, but there was still some part of him that had his entire future revolving around coming back to her

Chloe with a girl, so much happier than she's ever been with Jake, but when things don't work out with that girl and she's single again she calls Jake with the intention of hooking up, of angry break up-make-up sex even though that break up was with someone else and it's only after he picks up that she realizes she doesn't want that anymore. He doesn't want that anymore. He still drives over and he still holds her but it's not like it was.

They don't forgive each other and they aren't friends but they've still got that time after the SATs in spring when jake took her out to lunch because he was finally stress-free and she can tell that they're there for a reason and she's scared it's going to be a I still love you, but then she's shocked with a "How'd you know?" "Know what?" "I mean. About. That. Girls. That you---" and he looks so flustered and scared and Chloe's trying to be better so instead of relishing in his discomfort she just talks him through everything and somehow it ends with him apologizing and her apologizing and they know they're never ever going to be what they once were---there's never even gonna be acquaintances, they'll see each other once a year when they come home for holiday breaks (if that, because does Jake really have a home to come back to?) but no matter what, she's going to be his first love and he'll be the only name she remembers from high school when she's old and has a life with new friends and a new personality that isn't just a manifestation of her own self-hatred

[cherriesformatt]

the affair || matt sturniolo

summary: you sneak around behind his brothers back

warnings: suggestive

word count: 1,1k

a/n: Thank you for almost 300 followers and 300 notes under last post! Some of my favorite writers on here liked it and I was freaking out. Hope you like this one ily

🍒

"So you think he is acting different? Is that what you are saying?" I asked Nick while putting jar or peanut butter in the shopping cart.

We were grocery shopping for our movie night. Nick was one of my really good friends here in LA. I was a content creator as well. l mainly made music on TikTok, mostly singing and playing covers on the guitar.

"Yes... He is weirdly happy and not that tough as always...like man fine if he is getting laid but why the fuck he is so secret about it? Like we literally know that there is someone " He said and threw more stuff. Cookies and chocolate.

"I don't know Nick...Did you ask him?" I said looking at the labels of products.

I did not want to look him in the eye. If he only knew.

"No.. Chris only made one stupid joke about it and he got mad so we are not asking anymore" He answered.

We spent like an hour in Target before I drove us back to his house.

It was kinda late. Already past 10 pm, so we quickly took turns with a shower and settle to watch movies in his bed. We started Twilight because I made him. And because I knew by the time we start the second movie he is going to be asleep.

So when that happened, I left the tv on because I knew that's how he liked to sleep. I sneaked out of his room and went down the stairs.

I knocked on Matt's doors and within two seconds he opened it.

"Finally..." He said and pulled me into the room.

He closed the doors gently and smiled looking at me.

"Hi..." He said and gently pulled my chin to connect our lips.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back. I did not see him for two days due to his busy schedule.

He slipped his cold hands under my hoodie giving me a goosebump allover my body.

Did I ever planned to sneak behind Nicks back to hook up with his brother? No. It just happened. From the beginning me and Matt had a special connection. We could talk for hours even if both of us were not the biggest talkers in the world. We were similar but yet completely different.

"I missed you too" I said quietly after he pulled back to take a deep breath.

He sat on his bed and made me seat on his lap. I straddle him and smiled.

"Your brothers knows that you are getting some..." I wiggled my eyebrows at him.

"Believe me, I know..." He said and rubbed my cheek.

"I wonder why? Am I making you less mean?" I pushed on his chest so he was under me completely.

"Honestly I do not want to talk about my brothers right now" He said and turned us so now I was under him.

He started to kiss my neck and I moved my head a little to give him more access. I sight a little. I missed his touch so much. It was on my mind for a whole day.

This is going to be a long night...

"Stay with me.... It's like 4 in the morning anyways...He is not going to know..." He said after he helped me to clean up in the bathroom and waited for me to pee.

"I don't know Matt... I was usually back to his bed" I said and yawned.

I hugged him and close my eyes. I was so tired.

"You literally sleeping while standing" He kissed my head and hugged me back.

"To be honest I can't really stand..." I blushed and he laughed a little.

"You sleeping in my bed kid... thats it" He said and picked me up and took me to his bed.

"I am not sleeping naked tho..."I said and he just helped me to put one of his t-shirt on and my pajama pants back on.

I instantly did fall asleep in his arms.

I woke up with pure panic. Because clock on the nightstand said 11 am. That means Nick is up for sure. And that means there is no way to sneak out without him knowing.

"Matt..." I started to wiggled from his arms.

"Mhm?" He moved away and stretched.

"It's almost noon... they are probably up already" I said and covered my face with my hands.

"Baby... thats okay.. it's going for long enough. I wanna finally take you out and spent time together without pretending that you are my bro and that I'm having a fucking secret affair with some random girl that I am not telling my brothers about. Because you are far from that. I do understand that you are friends with Nick and it's like bros code or whatever you think it is. But I think is time..." He looked at me.

Like chilled out weren't you asleep 3 seconds ago? It is too early for this.

"I know..." I breathed out heavily.

"So? Let's go.. if they are up they are probably in the kitchen." He got up and pulled a shirt on because he was sleeping only in his pj pants.

I also got up and pulled my hoodie on and fixed my hair.

"Oh... good morning... so I am waking up, right? Looking next to me...my best friend? Gone. I though... maybe something happened...I texted her phone... still on my nightstand by the way. I looked through the window, her car is still here. So I came down stairs... Chris was already here. I asked him... Did you see y/n by any chance? Chris said no.. but unfortunately he wanted some water at 3 am.. he didn't see her just heard her... FUCKING MY OTHER BROTHER" Nick was looking at us from the kitchen table.

"Do not be dramatic Nick..."Matt started.

"Oh I am not being dramatic I lost 50 bucks to him. Because we had a bet if you tell us first or we will find out this way..." He pointed at us.

"So you knew?" I asked looking at him.

"Of course I knew... I always know. Free pass only this one time both of you. No more secrets. Like what the fuck? I am happy you're happy and I wouldn't be mad" He said.

"Im sorry... I love you" I came up to him and gave him a hug. He only patted my back.

"Alright, alright you should only be sorry for Chris. He is traumatized" He laughed.

Matt laughed as well but I felt embarrassed.

"I am kidding, you are fine" He said.

"Also I must say... I always knew you guys will end up together" He said and I smiled at Matt.

"No more secret affair..." Matt laughed.

"No more" I said.

"So should we go out for breakfast?" Nick asked.

"Yes, please, I am starving..." I said.

"Too many burned calories, huh?" Nick asked.

"Oh my god now it will never end.... let's go back to the secret affair actually" I covered my face with my hands.

[serejae]

SILLY ME TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU | SUNG HANBIN

-

-

WHAT ! - while celebrating your boyfriends birthday, you give him a special gift

WHEN ! - (warnings) kissing, petnames, sappy juls 😇

WHO ! - non capitalization is intended , literally happiest birthday to my baby hanbin ☹️

-

11:57 PM

Your phone illuminates as your boyfriend sleeps peacefully. You two have been dating for about 2 years and for those 2 birthdays that you spent with him, he’s been very casual about his day. He always just wanted to spend it with family and you, which you were okay with. But since debuting he decided he wanted to have a little peace and quiet, away from cameras, away from his members, away from everything but his safe space, you.

It was the first time he ever really requested something outside of just going to dinner, he wanted a weekend getaway which you gladly (and behind his back, he wasn't very happy about that but in your defense, it's his birthday 😒) paid for. Through these 2 years he has never failed to make you feel loved even on the days he couldn’t love himself and you made sure to reciprocate the same with the hopes that this year's gift would always remind him how much you appreciate him. Lighting up the candles on the cake you secretly got for him, you returned to the room. Opening the door quietly, meeting his peacefully sleeping figure you start singing Happy Birthday. Hanbin being the light sleeper he is woke up a bit startled making you laugh, he rubbed his eyes and once he processed the sight in front of him he sat up quickly and his lips quirked up even quicker. When you finished singing he closed his eyes making a wish then blew out the candles “Happy birthday binnie” you said as you put the cake on the nightstand and sat down next to him, moving the stray hairs out of his face. He stares at you with big eyes filled with adoration before speaking up “Thank You, baby”. you pause for a moment before getting up and digging into your suitcase.

“What are you doing?” Hanbin asked confused and a bit whiny as his right side was now cold. You pulled out a wrapped gift and sat down next to him again. He looked up at you with a scolding face. “heyyyy” he whined stretching out the ‘y’. “I thought we said no more gifts, I appreciate this a lot baby, but you already paid for the whole trip and it’s too much-“ you cut him off with a kiss. “I didn't spend any money on this, just open it hm?”, his eyes darted to the gift then back to you confused about what you were doing. Carefully unwrapping the gift to not ruin the paper he pulls out a journal. he looks back at you for what feels like the millionth time to which you roll your eyes playfully “Just look at the gift!”. He laughs at your eagerness and admires the decorated cover, he turns the cover to the first page and sees some stickers, a Polaroid of you two, some hamster pictures, and more pictures of you two with writing in the middle “to sung hanbin :-)”. flipping the next page he sees a short paragraph

-

“Hi, binnie !!

this is the first day I'm writing this page, it's 1-01-23.

every day I will be writing something about you, whether it's points of why I love you, paragraphs recapping my day after hanging out with you, me appreciating you, or just me scrapbooking us.

every day I will be doing this until I give it to you.

I hope you still love me by then but enjoy my love :-)”

-

He scoffed at the last paragraph and kissed your cheek “I'll always love you.”

-

He flipped to the next page and saw it was a paragraph from the same day

1-01-23 marked in the corner

“I couldn’t wait to write the first entry so here we are,

today is the first time I've spent New Year's with someone other than my family and I think I realized something today. I love you, I always knew that I felt something for you while we were dating but I could never pinpoint it. that flutter I got in my heart when you would hold my hand, or that beating in my chest when you would look at me in my eyes and call me ‘beautiful’. all of these feelings I felt for you but I never really thought about it

I guess that's what happens when you're in love, you forget love is even a thing because it's not the idea of love you're focused on but rather the person. I never had to think about whether I loved you or not because I guess it was instinctive? in a way it sort of feels like you were made for me, all of our inside jokes, how your hand fits perfectly in mine, and how you can read me and tell how I'm feeling before I even do.

like I said I knew I always loved you, but tonight it was different. how you kissed me when the new year hit and looked at me afterward. like I was the only person you had ever seen before, it was the look in your eye and the way you told me you loved me that made my heart shift, THAT was my movie moment. the things you only see in films or fiction but thank you for making it a reality hanbin

to many more years :-)

your truly, y/n “

-

he closed the book and gently set it down next to him and stared at his lap. you put your hand under his chin and he stared at you with that same look in his eyes from New Year's, except this time with tears. he hugged you tightly and whispered gently “I love you” and “Thank you” ‘s

After wiping his tears, you two just talk about your trip so far and what you want to do the next day while eating cake before he pauses. “you know what Yujin told me a few weeks ago?” he said while putting a piece of cake in his mouth. “hm?” you responded while eating your cake

“hamsters lick you as a form of kissing”

“they do?”

just then you feel a piece of frosting get wiped on your face. turning to look at the culprit he smiles and sticks his tongue out like a cat

“HANBIN NO”

safe to say that night was filled with love and giggles :’-)

[prncessjaeger]

making slime with bf!eren ˚ ༘♡ ⋆｡˚

ღsypnosis: the title…that’s it!

ღan: i wrote this already but changed it up a bit and boom here it is

“bro, why can’t we just get the big things of glue instead of buying these small ass bottles?” it was late at night, possibly around 11 pm, and you and eren were currently in walmart after he brought up the cute idea to make some slime. “because, it’s just for us two, we’re only getting one clear and one white glue bottles, now what’s next?”

“uh the borax solution…but all i see is this big ass white box.”

“that’s the solution.” eren examined the box, “how in the fuck does powder and glue make slime?”

“you have to add water i think, that’s what mikasa said, now we need food coloring, choose a colors, “ he picked out the yellow one and you chose pink (obviously), “do you want your slime to have a scent? or any add-ons?”

“you can do that?!” he screeched, scaring the other few shoppers, “sorry,” he bashfully said, rubbing the back of his neck, “why’re you apologizing, people have heard worse, they’ll live. anyways, yes you can do that so pick the ones you want, imma do strawberries…”

he scanned through them, picking out a strong vanilla scent, “okay and we’re gonna get some glitter and a couple of spons and bowls, that’s it.”

paying for your things, you drove back to the house with all your slime supplies and some extra snacks and when you walked in, you saw your cat in armin’s arms, being swung around like nothing, “boy put my baby down?!”

“oh come on, she likes it, right??” the cat just meowed and meowed, “right! talk yo shit, pookie!”

“girl hush, come eren,” you went to the back and got the materials laid out on your spare table you made armin set up for you, and began to make your slime. when you poured the amount you wanted, eren leaned over, “wow, you’re like insanely cool, and talented, and beautiful, and also really intelligent-“

“what do you want, eren?”

“could you pour my glue i’m scared ?”

“scared- i’m not even gonna ask, hand me the one you want,” he handed you the white glue to pour, “what color?”

“the one that’s not pink.” you dropped a couple of yellow dye in, “now i wanna make my slime. mix it until you see no white left,” he began mixing while you started on yours, hearing the loud music from the living room armin blasted, “i don’t know who’s worse, you or armin-“

“woah i’m like the perfect boyfriend ever-“

“you literally thought dwayne johnson and the rock were twins eren..”

“hear me out cause it makes sense if one was wrestling and the other twin acts!” staring at this man in disbelief, “eren why do you think they added “the rock” in parentheses of dwayne johnson?”

“to acknowledge the limited space on the screen?”

“okay, you know what! let’s just finish making this,” you chuckled, trying not to laugh in this man’s face. you added the glitter in, “alright now add your vanilla scent in and added a small amount of mine in the pink one as well, i’ll make the solution.”

once you were finished, you both begane pour solution in the bowl and watched how it clumped together, “alright you got your gloves on?”

“yep, let’s knead it together,” you both began playing with your slime, “uh y/n…” you turn towards eren sighing deeply, “oh my god.”

he was covering in slime from the top of his head to the middle of his chest, “how did you- i don’t even wanna ask, come here.”

and the rest of the night was spent with you and armin trying to get slime out of his hair, “eren! stay still goddamnit!”

“ow! you popped me!”

“oh shut up!”

[agender-witchery]

It hurts

After talking with people in discord for the week that this has been going on, I think my feelings on the Project Moon situation are just. Like, this was a company I felt was "safe". Obviously corporations are not your friends, but this was a studio that consistently pushed out games with progressive - and at times even radical - messaging. This was a studio that has consistently written solid characters with gender as an absolute afterthought. Emma is a boy! Harold is a girl! That's how little gender matters, which, ironically, is something that matters.

I can't think of another franchise I've engaged with that just... writes women as people. I've heard George R.R. Martin is like that, but I never engaged with the TV series that introduced the US to the concept of filler or the book series it was based on. I'm gonna gloss over Lobotomy Corporation a bit here because the story only has 13 characters, but 12 of them return for Library of Ruina. In Ruina you have Binah, Angela, Nikolai, and Elena as assertive women that take control of the situations they're in. You have passive uwu smol beans like Hod and Eileen! You have characters who are war criminals and that's not a mark of a villain, that's just a part of their backstory! Some of the women here have just Done Crimes! One of the women IS a crime! And men are treated the same! There are characters with traumas and behavioral disorders who act like real people would! Lesti saw the aftermath of Love Town and started talking about food! Beef intestine no less! Philip saw his colleagues get murdered and physically manifested a mental breakdown! Xiao saw her husband get murdered and physically manifested literal burning rage!

All of the writing has been good! All of it! And it has consistently written women in a way that is flat out rare, even in 2023. And Limbus has been doing the same! Outis is assertive! Ryoshu is assertive! Hermann is assertive! Don is an idiot and Faust refuses to talk half the time! Heathcliff is assertive! Meursault is assertive! Gubo is assertive! Hong Lu is an idiot and Sinclair is/was a pathetic sop! Across the board, the character writing is just GOOD. As Lobotomy Corporation progresses, Ayin's shitty behavior becomes more and more apparent! And that all culminates with Angela being tossed aside like garbage once she's no longer useful to him, as you hear her desperate wishes to just be seen!

All of that, or at least most of that, was Kim Ji-hoon. But Kim Ji-hoon is also the person who hastily fired VellMori at 11 PM, over the phone, while he was out of office in Japan, because some incels accused his company of being sympathetic to feminists in 2023.

And it fuckin hurts that the source of those stories, the stories that I just spent three paragraphs praising, the stories that are so important to me, could turn heel in half a second like that. As if he was writing completely different stories than the ones I've been reading. And I hate that? I hate that. Because there isn't a replacement! I don't get Grandma War Crimes and Dumbass Justice Enactor in other stories! Like, maybe some will come close, maybe some will have the same exact character somewhere, but never all of it together. Never written as amazingly as the City is.

So it hurts. And the silence is loud.

[otdiaftg]

The Raven King - Chapter Seven

Day: Thursday, October 5th Time: 11:30 PM EST

"I mean literally soft. Too many curves, see? I feel like my hands would slide right off. It's totally not my thing. I like..." He drew a box with his fingers as he searched for words. "Erik. Erik's perfect. He's a total outdoors junkie, rock climbing and hiking and mountain biking, all that awful bug-infested fresh-air stuff. He's stronger than I am, and I like that. I feel like I could lean on him all day and he wouldn't break a sweat." "Funny," Nicky said. "That didn't used to be my type. None of the others I crushed on growing up were anything like that. Maybe that's why none of them could help me." Nicky turned his hands palm-up on the table and considered them. "My parents are kind of crazy, you know? There's religious and there's super psychotic religious. Me and Renee, we're the decent sort, I think. We go to different churches and have some different ideas, but we respect each other anyway. We understand that religion is just an interpretation of faith. But my parents are the black-and-white crazy kind. It's only right and wrong with them: hellfire and damnation and judgment from on high. "For some reason I tried coming out to them anyway," Nicky said. "Mom was pretty upset. She locked herself in the bedroom and cried and prayed for days. Dad took a more direct route and shipped me off to Christian gay camp. I spent a year learning that I was infected by a disgusting idea from the devil, that I was a living test for every other good Christian on the planet. They tried using God to shame me into being straight. "It didn't work," Nicky said. "For a while I wished it did. I went home feeling like an abomination and a failure. I couldn't face my parents like that, so I lied. I pretended to be straight for the rest of high school. I even dated a couple girls. I kissed a couple of them, but I used my faith as an excuse never to get further than first base. I knew I just had to keep it together until graduation. "I hated my life so much," Nicky said. "I couldn't do that, you know? I couldn't live a lie like that day after day. I felt trapped. Some days I thought God abandoned me; sometimes I thought I failed Him. Halfway through my junior year I started thinking about suicide. Then my German teacher took me aside and told me about a study abroad program. She would set it all up for me, she said, if my parents would sign off on it. She'd handle admissions and get a host family and everything. It'd be expensive, but she thought I needed a change in scenery. Guess she knew I was that close to the edge. "I didn't think Mom and Dad would go for it, but they were so proud of me for my so-called recovery they agreed to let me go my senior year. I just had to last another semester and then I could go. I was so desperate to get out of there I didn't even really pay attention when Aaron and Aunt Tilda moved to Columbia that spring. All I cared about was keeping it together until May. I know now I should have tried harder, but I would've been no good to him how I was. "When the plane took off from Columbia, I was scared to death," Nicky said. "I was so relieved to leave my parents and everyone I knew, but I didn't know if being in Germany would change anything. When I landed, my new host brother was waiting for me in Arrivals. Erik Klose," Nicky said, sounding it out like he was saying it for the first time. "He taught me to believe in myself. He showed me how to balance my faith and my sexuality, and he made me okay again. I know it sounds dramatic, but he saved my life." Nicky flipped his hands over and laced his fingers together. The look he turned on Neil was as reassuring as it was worried and made Neil want to edge away. "That's what love is about, see? That's why Exy isn't ever going to be enough, not for you or Andrew or anyone. It can't hold you up, and it won't make you a stronger or better person."

Art used with permission by Kurra. Thank you @kurra !

[doublesidedgemini]

11/6 - 11/7

It was a good weekend! I was very productive on Saturday, I slept/lounged in bed until 3 pm on Sunday, played with my dog in the park and then rode my horse! I finally took care of my plants and spent time with my leopard gecko before bed. So naturally, I woke up in a very cranky mood and had a tough day at work 😑

Being an adult is such a drag. Sometimes, this shit feels impossible. I actually broke down crying on my horse at the end of the ride for a few minutes because I just felt so. Tired. And I felt like I didn’t know how I could keep doing this. Idk, more after the cut !

tw: ed vent, wiaiad, cal log, restriction, LONGG post lol

11/6

Breakfast: -vegan protein shake, hot cocoa flavor!! — 110 cals

Lunch: -large hot holiday coffee from Dunkin with oat milk, 2 tbsps sugar, and 4 pumps of toasted almond syrup — after reading the whole entire nutrition menu for dunkin + a lot of math, I think this is like 160 cals total; -Hummus toast - 250 cals

Dinner: -5 spears of sautéed asparagus — 50 cals?? (I have no idea if this is accurate lol); -Impossible burger patty — 240 cals; -Mug of vegetable broth — 15 cals

Snacks: -4 pieces of frosted mini wheats — 40 cals; -1 1/2 peppermint sticks — 75 cals; -5 takis — 58 cals

Exercise: Grooming + riding my horse (she was FILTHY so I had to brush her for a long time lol) -537 cals

Total: 461 cals!!!

11/7

Breakfast: -Celsius, dragonfruit lime packet — 10 cals

Lunch: -2 impossible burger patties — 480 cals; -4 sautéed asparagus spears — 31 cals??

Dinner: -1/4 cup white rice — 50 cals; -Two bites of beans w/ sautéed kale and tomatoes — 12 cals??; -Lightly salted rice cake — 35 cals; -1 tbsp plant based ranch dip — 35 cals; -5 grape tomatoes — 15 cals?

Snacks: -2 frosted mini wheats — 20 cals; -Roasted seaweed snacks, sesame — 50 cals; -1 tbsp peanut butter — 90 cals; -1 serving of takis — 150 cals; -1 1/3 double stuf Oreos — 93 cals; -1 serving honey roasted peanuts — 170 cals

Exercise: Walked my dog a bunch, did 100 squats spread out during work, might do some sit-ups + leg raises in bed before sleep :) -62 cals

Total: 1,180 cals

So, not great lol. But still under 1,200 which is what MFP’s recommendation is for me to lose weight, so I’m still losing even with this total! And honestly. Fuck it. I needed those two impossible burger patties. I needed the protein. Idk, between breaking down at the barn yesterday and having a bad day at work, I just needed the extra.

That’s what upset me so bad at the barn… I can’t restrict as much as I see other people on here because I literally have to stay awake & alert to take care of my horse. I HAVE to be “with it” to keep both her and myself safe. It’s a 34 minute drive out to the barn, I HAVE to have the energy to drive back and forth. Even though I did eat before I went out yesterday, it wasn’t enough and I was exhausted and we had an okay ride but she was frustrating me and I was yelling and getting frustrated and then I was upset with myself because it’s not her fault I’m not at 100% :(

Idk, I cried a lot when I got off and she let me cry on her, I groomed her up, gave her some treats, and went home. She was fine. I was fine. I felt better today except for being so damn tired all day! I didn’t go out to the barn tonight; I stayed in and washed my hair and shaved and moisturized, so at least I feel good :)

I need the rest and I need the extra energy. I don’t feel great about eating + snacking so much today but I’m okay with it, plus I did really well over the weekend, so. I think for the rest of the week I’m going to taper down my cals and try another fast over the weekend. <3

Now I’m going to read and go to bed :) If you read this whole entire post you are my bestie now. Sorry. Shouldn’t have read this all 🤣

[thegreatjoshb]

Llama Trauma

I haven't *written* a post in a long time. It feels like not since probably undergrad. But I have recently come to realize that my childhood was exquisitely traumatic, and it has left me a shell of a man who does not know how to navigate the world in an emotionally appropriate way.

My mother is the main reason for my trauma, repeatedly choosing another man over me and my siblings, never having a real conversation about our feelings (because she was likely traumatized herself and just... couldn't), and then topping it off by dying on my little brother's birthday. At like 11 pm. She couldn't even wait 1 hour to die, so add that to the list.

Anyway, my little brother and older sister were having a conversation the day before mother's day, and my sister was finally told about *some* of the horrible events that we went through in middle school and high school. My sister is 9 years older than me, and she moved out when she was 18 years old. She probably got the best parts of our mother for the longest time, but our mom fucked my sister up with her own special trauma.

My sister just apologized to me profusely for not being there, for not even knowing what happened to us. She wished she could have saved me and my brothers, but she couldn't have been there because she was going through her own life shit at the same time, and quite frankly, I was too embarrassed to tell anybody about what was actually happening in my life. I really didn't want ANYBODY to know - not my friends at school, not my sister, not my father, not even a random stranger [I didn't want the pity] - so I mostly kept it to myself. I repressed my emotional needs and became so self-sufficient because nobody else was meeting my needs, and it got to the point where even now, as a 32 year old man, the thought of asking anybody for help doesn't even cross my mind because I always feel like I am alone and there is nobody to help me.

My district manager at work has told me so many times to call him and let him know what I need help with and to contact him if I ever feel stressed. To this day, I have had a great working relationship with him, and the ONLY time I have ever called him was when my mother died. So long story short, I always feel like my childhood self who was left alone to fight and solve all his battles. Battles I never could have won, so instead of fighting, I learned to retreat.

I learned to retreat deep into my head. There is a special place where I go to not feel, and I go so far back. My eyes feel like they look at nothing. I have perfect vision, but I don't see anything. I literally cannot tell you how I am feeling in any given moment. Right now, I feel nothing. I am so disconnected with my emotions that I don't realize how much things affect me until well after the fact. My emotions are latent and powerful, but completely unknown to me.

So, now that we have gotten the background out of the way, here is a story - one of many - I told my sister that night. She laughed so hard when I told her this story, which is honestly the most common response to what I am about to type. She told her husband, who said I should sell the story to a comedian (despite the lack of any actual humor in the story). I have never formally written out this story as far as I can remember, but every time I verbalize it to someone, they literally crack up. It is a truly tragic story, but I also believe that it is so shocking to some people that they don't know how to respond. If anybody reads this entire post, please let me know how it comes across in typed format. Here goes nothing.

BUCKALICIOUS: LORD OF THE LAND

At the end of my 8th grade year, my family was evicted from the 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom house we were renting. There were 6 people living in the house - 7 if you included my mother, but I don't because she spent most of her time with her boyfriend. Let's call him George.

Of those 7, my mother and I ended up living at George's double wide mobile home on his 2.5 acres of land. It was honestly not to shabby, and one of the teeny tiny parts of living there was being able to be around so many animals.

You see, George had enough land to home some unconventional animals. He had 2 dogs - Saige - a great dane, who became my dog, my soul, and my entire reason to exist. Stone - a doofy by lovable bull mastiff. Cheech and Chong - two goats that lived on a part of the land that was sectioned off by a fence. And last but not least, Buckalicous: lord of the Land (AKA Buck).

Now Buck was a black llama with an incredible underbite that was a "breeder" llama at Busch Gardens. At 10 or 11 years old, he was no longer useful for breeding, but it is not like he was dead yet. Llamas have like a 15 year life span. George knew the guy at Busch Gardens and convinced him to sell Buck to him for $100, saying he had land for the llama to roam on and a barn to house him if the weather was bad (all true).

So Buck came home with George.

Now I remember meeting Buck in December, just a few months before I was forced to move in with George due to the eviction. I met Buck because my mother came home one day with a black eye. She had to explain that, no, it wasn't the new guy she was dating [He would beat her up later, he just didn't hit her in *this* instance]. It just so happened she got hit in the face because she got too close to a LLAMA! WHAT??! Why the fuck was my mom anywhere near a llama? How can I meet this llama that hurt my mom so?

Well, she took me to George's place that winter and introduced me to the llama. His name was Buckalicious: Lord of the Land. Buck for short. He was on the opposite side of a fence, and we had to approach slowly because he was a little skittish. My mother showed me where the Sweetfeed was. She scooped some out using an old Folger's container, and she let Buck approach to eat the food. That llama LOVED his sweet feed. She handed me the container, and I let the llama eat. It was honestly magical. Buck's underbite made him look less intelligent than he was, but he was honestly such a great animal.

Fast forward to the summer, where I am now living with my mother and George on his 2.5 acres of land in his double wide mobile home. My brother was not living with us because he got in trouble in school and had to live with my father in the neighboring city to go to a special correctional school. So it was just me, my mom, George, and the animals (Saige, Stone, Cheech, Chong, and Buck).

Now in the Florida summer's, you can imagine it to be excruciatingly hot, especially to a large llama (probably 350 lbs +) covered in BLACK fur. And it WAS HOT! It was a horribly hot summer. I remember because my mother didn't have a job, and we couldn't afford cable that summer, and George was working odd jobs. I spent a lot of time outside. That is when I became so close to the animals, particularly Saige, because I literally had nothing better to do than to go outside and run around the land by myself. We were in the middle of nowhere a mile down a dirt road. There weren't any children my age to hang out with, I had no television or video games, and my brother no longer lived with me. I was trying to make the best out of a rough situation.

The one and only nice thing I will ever say about George is that one time, and one time only in my opinion, he came up with a good idea and made it work. The land was divided pretty equally, animals and barn on one half, the people and the double wide mobile with a nearby, discounted and disgusting koi pond on the other. And instead of walking out to the llama and goats and bringing them clean water every day, George rigged up a bathtub to always have clean water fill to a certain height, thus allowing the animals to always have something to drink. You know how a toilet tank fills up to a certain level without overflowing? Same concept. Except outside and in a bathtub instead of a toilet.

In the cooler months, it was awesome because nobody had to worry or stress about watering the llama. It was just always taken care of. But when the temperature started to rise, we noticed Buck doing something strange. Buck was STANDING shin-deep inside the bathtub! Not drinking, just standing. We believe it was to help him cool down during the hot summer months. And it was just something that Buck now did regularly.

So in this particular summer, I would mow that lawn weekly. It was a lot of land, but George had a riding mower, and it gave this 14 year old something to do for a bit. But then the lawnmower broke, and we couldn't afford to fix it. And the grass grew. and grew. And it wasn't great.

Eventually, George had the bright idea to open the fence and let the goats out onto the people side. Maybe they would eat the grass? It was worth a shot? IDK. Maybe not after all.

Now the fence was open there was no land separation. The animal side was the people side and the people side was the animal side. By this point in my relationship with Buck, I had spent a lot of time feeding him sweet feed from the coffee container. It was a daily ritual for us. And Buck warmed up to me slowly. He would, as long as the fence was still between us, eat the sweet feed out of my palm. I was terrified at first trying this because I knew he had the potential to freak out and give me a black eye like he did my mother, or possibly worse. But he never did.

When George opened the fence in the hopes that the goats and llama would eat the too-tall grass, it changed the relationship dynamic. Now during the day, I would get as close to the llama as I could without him freaking out. The goats never scared me because they were always chill, and I could grab them by their horns and control them if I needed to. I could not get too close to Buck, though, because Buck just wouldn't let me. It got to the point where I would grab a handful of sweet feed to lure Buck my way, and eventually, he would walk right up to me and eat the food directly out of my hand! How freaking exciting. He used his powerful underbite as a shovel to scoop the food from my hand into his mouth. It was cute.

But it wouldn't last long. I was able to get close to Buck only a few times. He wouldn't always be calm and cool, and sometimes he would sprint away. When he started running, Saige, the great dane, sprung into action and chased after the llama. She did not do so because she wanted to chase the llama, but Saige saw the llama's erratic movements as a danger to me. Saige loved me so much that she would chase a llama that was 3 times her size to protect *ME*. I fucking loved Saige.

One day, George found an odd job to do and left to go do it. My mother and I were hungry in the afternoon, but we didn't have anything in the house to eat. So we left the house and bought like $3 worth of Totinos pizza at the nearby Walmart. We came home, heated the pizzas in the oven, and then we just enjoyed the pizzas. The last time I will ever "enjoy" a totinos pizza.

As we are eating, George bursts into the house screaming:

DID ANYONE NOTICE THE DEAD FUCKING LLAMA OUTSIDE???!!!

huh? wut?

Dead? Llama? What is he talking about? We were literally just outside not 15 minutes before bringing in our pizza haul. And no. Both my mother and I, in fact, did not notice the dead fucking llama outside.

Well, because we opened up the fence and let the goats and llama onto our side, they were farther away from their tub-water than they normally were. But Buck noticed nasty, koi-less koi pond in front of the house. And to an animal that is used to standing shin high in a tub of water to keep cool, this looked like a fun little option.

However, it was not fun. Buck slipped on the algae that lined the koi-pond and hit his head. Buck was just trying to keep cool, and he ended up drowning in the koi pond.

FUCK!

He was dead, and there was nothing we could do to bring him back. But we also could not just leave him there in the koi pond! Something had to be done, and the dogs ensured that it must be done immediately. Before we could even compose ourselves to come up with an action plan to deal with the llama carcas, Stone, our doofy bull mastiff has already started eating the llama's face.

We had to pull Stone away from the llama, and tie him and Saige up to a tree to prevent them from gormandizing on this llama feast. If it wasn't already a heartbreaking situation, seeing those dogs tied up and trying to get to the llama made it worse.

There was no plan. There was only chaos. We had to do something, and we had to do it RIGHT NOW. George grabbed some rope and tied it around Buck's body, then he tied the rope to the back of his truck. George turned on the truck and tried dragging Buck's body out of the foul water. It was not a smooth or easy process. The only thing I can think of that is heavier than a llama... is a soaking wet, dead llama.

Eventually, George was able to drag Buck's body out of the koi pond, and he drove the truck across his land. He drove it deep into the 2.5 acres he owned, and he dragged the body to a nice woody spot.

Now we both have to start digging the llama grave. That was the day I learned how hard it is to dig a grave. Not emotionally, though that did take its toll, but just how physically hard it was to shovel the dirt out, even with two able bodied men splitting the work. The sun was setting, and light was fading fast. So we had to be quick.

George was finally satisfied with the size of the grave, and we had to shove the llama into the hole. One, Two, PUSH! One, Two, PUSH. The llama fell into the grave, and we covered it back up with dirt.

I grabbed two sticks and used some of the rope that we dragged the llama body with to make a Cross, and I used that cross as the marker for Buck's grave.

It has been almost 18 years since we lost Buck to this tragedy. George eventually lost his land due to not paying for it, so I currently don't know who lives there. Or if they will ever find Buck's grave.

It was one of those things you just cannot be prepared for. In hindsight, there are so many things that I would have done differently. Clean out the koi-pond. Mow the law by hand. Or just not let the animals on the other side of the fence.

Buck was an awesome animal who deserved better, and I will never again look at a Totino's pizza without thinking of a dead llama.

[snorfbin]

just a little eensy teensy rant about eso lately

im not looking for a discussion or anything like that, this is just a rant i couldnt stuff in the tags

eso is one of those games that i want to like but it feels like with each passing day i find theres more and more to dislike about it. sometimes i feel like im submitting a ticket every week bc theres something broken i come across. stuff environmental asset that were once entirely solid can now be clipped through which prevents people from getting loot the devs stashed ontop of it

lately theyve been celebrating the 10th anniversary jubilee, 10 whole years of eso, and of course they can even do that smoothly along with literally every other event theyve put on in 2024. it started out fine but shit soon hit the fan

they made an update to pts so players can test out the new dlc and some new pts features to test out higher level builds. things were going well until about an hour after the pts was brought back online when my server, pcna, was suddenly taken offline without any warnings. i had to hop over to the server to get some info which is where i learned that the pts update hadnt gone smoothly. zos somehow crossed the wires between pts and pcna where people could bring over their max level pts toons over to pcna and i heard people had billions in gold and trillions in loot. pts and pcna were taken down for this emergency bc it absolutely wouldve devastated the player economy to have that much money flowing around. speculation on how zos would handle this was grim on the forums, generally people were expecting a server rollback and all progress they had made that day would be erased. ill give zos credit, they didnt do a rollback but just locked the accounts of those who were affected by this pts exploit so the devs could dig through their inventory and xp histories to pick out the exploits; everyone else who didnt exploit the game would be fine to continue on playing when the servers came back online

pcna was taken down i wanna say around 7 am for me and was only brought back by around 11:30 pm so thats most of the day for the event gone. to my knowledge it took a couple days for pts to come back online. overall the issue didnt bother me beyond the time the server was down at that point. those with locked accounts would receive incredibly generous gifts from zos to make up for the inconvenience of being locked out during the event. theyd get...

-16k endeavours. they can use that to buy items from the gamble crates without spending any irl money. 16k is enough to buy like 400 of the bottom tier items or just 1 of the top shelf fancy as fuck items. thats about 10 months worth of constantly grinding for endeavours

-5 replica style pages released this year for the event. you can normally get these style pages through a handful of activities but the drop rates have become infamous for how abysmally low they are. ive heard of people running 700 dolmens now throughout the whole event and they have nothing to show for it. players whove been locked out get all 5 without putting in the work

-25 confetti scrolls to make the new jubilee horse mount. normally you get these by doing 1 daily quest to get a gold event reward box, you get 1 confetti scroll per box and the event was originally only meant to go on for 18 days, youd have to spend event tickets to buy more to complete the achievement to earn the horse

so locked out players get all 3 of these overwhelmingly generous gifts to make up for the time theyve spent locked out during the event. usually whenever zos actually feels bad about a blunder they just give us some ugly as fuck pity pet and move on with their shenanigans. theyre basically sucking the dicks of players here in my humble opinion. they even added on an additional 2 days to the event, instead of just 18 days worth of the event its not 20 days in total! hallelujah for that!

and then they decided to go back on the 2 additional days and essentially just make it 1 day for literally everyone on pcna. for the final day of the event, from 3 am to 7 am, pcna would be taken offline starting at 3 am when tickets are supposed to reset so that they can restore locked accounts. zos even stated that they expect the server to be offline for like 8 hours. just go fuck yourself if youre on pcna and were hoping to get the final 3 tickets and maybe some bonus rewards, those 2 extra days zos promised is effectively just 1 day and a broken promise

my gripe with the server being taken down is that it was scheduled for 3 am. thats when daily quests and tickets reset. if you werent already on and ready to get your tickets youre just fucked with no hope of getting your tickets, spending them, or earning any other rewards for the extra day zos promised you. they S E R I O U S L Y couldnt wait maybe another 10 mins so those dedicated to the event and to earning tickets could maybe actually have just a little bit more time to actually earn the final tickets and the last of the event rewards as well as buy event goodies from the impressario and indrik vendor merchants who are only around during events and tend to have items associated with specific events and seasons? they seriously needed to take the server down for the entirety of the final day of the event? players whove been locked out seriously cant wait just 10 extra minutes?

i consider myself to have be very lucky to be nocturnal for the past while. i was able to be online before the servers went down. i prepped some daily quests to turn in for my last rewards and was ready to earn my final tickets. i got the event boxes and my tickets. not many other players are awake at 3 in the fucking morning on a weekday and had absolutely no chance to earn their final event goodies! they were also p damn fast at taking the server down too. usually it takes like 3-5 mins but ive personally seen it take as many as 8 mins for the server to go offline. my clock read 3:01 by the time the server was pulled offline. thats unusually punctual for zos in my experience over the course of 3 years of playing eso. players who were locked out wouldnt even be able to get the rewards of the last day of the event either

im just fucking pissed that they promised us 2 extra days of the event and then unexpectedly backtracked in the worst way possible by giving everyone on pcna only the slimmest of chances to get the rewards of the final day. this round of maintenance has turned the forums into more than a bit of a warzone too with players fighting each other over whos fault it is when its so very clearly the fault of zos. it feels like the whole fucking dev team is made up entirely of clowns keyboard smashing their way through some very delicate spaghetti code so its just inevitable that like 50 bajillion things break with each and every update.

i dont fucking care if youre one of the players who got locked out or if youre also mad about missing the final day of the event. i just need to fucking vent about how god awfully stupid zos is at least this one time. the only reason why i even continue playing eso is bc its the only source for tes content nowadays bc tes6 is never coming out

[abcdosaka]

insane how much free time you have when you wake up early. i woke up at like 5:30 because i always sleep like shit after drinking. i even laid in bed until like 7 and then i got up to have breakfast. i literally spent an hour cooking breakfast (legit just roasting potatoes) bc i was pretty hungry instead of having something quick. the fire alarm went off when i took the potatoes out of the oven luckily i don't think the ppl upstairs were home bc i know their dogs would've gone crazy but it really scared the shit out of me. seems like everything is fine now though.

then i watched korra all morning (around the beginning of season 3), and i was still hungry so i was eating seaweed and more potatoes as time went by. cooked lunch around 11 (which took about an hour or maybe a bit more) and ate. continued watching korra until i finished the season. by then it was still only like 2:30 or 3 so i went for a walk for like 50 minutes to chill out bc seriously, season 3 of tlok is so overwhelming and intense and emotional. then i got home and stretched and meditated for like 20 minutes. i wanna make that a regular hobby. then i did some banking. its STILL only 5 pm just now. and i'm starving btw i don't wanna eat for another hour but i might have a hot chocolate with some warm milk. my mom also prob wants to video call bc i sent her a gift for her bday

drinking makes me crazy hungry like i'm really trying to restore these electrolytes sadly i have no gatorade or anything

[keefwho]

September 01 - 2023 Friday

8:49 AM Thoughts

I guess I feel kinda worthless this morning. Rather my head is full of thoughts that keep telling me whats wrong with me and how everything is going downhill. They are deep beliefs like "I can't keep up this act" "It'll all come crumbling down" "Whats the point of trying anything if it'll only lead to ruin"

2:09 PM Thoughts

I hate where I am. I do nothing. I live in the same room every day. I don't really mean anything to anyone. I have no physical connection to anyone. I can't live up to any friend that does. That makes me disposable. I feel horrible and selfish that I think I deserve love from anyone. I feel wrong expecting that from anyone. No matter how much I give back, it never makes me enough. I want to be able to love like others do. I don't know if I am capable. I want to talk to my friend, I want to be moody with them and open up. But that also feels selfish, especially with what they are going through recently. I want to be able to have other friends I can be vulnerable with but I don't like anyone else like that. I don't know what to do with myself today or this weekend. All I can think about is how bad everything could be. I'm still awaiting the seemingly inevitable destruction of everything I enjoy in my life. I can't move up, only down. I don't even know how I got to where I am, I feel like I wrongfully own everything. I don't want to isolate but I don't want to talk to anyone either. I feel like I can't connect with anyone. But how do I know I'm not just self destructing. I know I need to make a conscious effort to put myself in favorable positions.

3:14 PM

I'm sitting here wallowing instead of doing something. I vaguely know what I want to do but my thoughts stop me. I'm literally choosing to give into my sadness rather than putting in the energy to direct my focus onto something that will fulfill me. I guess I still haven't really learned how destructive this really is. One day I should wake up and realize what I'm doing to myself.

11:54 PM

I don't WANT to do a journal entry but is that low self worth talking or do I really not want to? Also I DO want to in the sense that I want to have said I did it and documented my life a little but I don't want to put in the work. I will anyways.

Breakfast was leftover broccoli pizza. I wasn't looking forward to today since it's the 1st of the month and that means new commissions and finances. Stream went as normal as always. The guy that commissioned me was iffy on what he wanted at the end and I had to contain my frustration because of how petty his complaints were. Also he wanted to add a background which isn't a huge deal except I have to match the lighting of the background to his character while usually I do it the other way around. Really its just been bad communication on his part which is something I have to put up with alot.

Before lunch I tackled my finances and updated my profiles everywhere but honestly a good chunk of the midday was spent procrastinating. I took a shower and had spaghetti for lunch. After lunch I felt like giving into my sadness and not doing anything but I was able to get myself to work on some art and another avatar so I guess I'm proud of that. It was also a case of wanting to do something for the sake of having got it done and it is fulfilling if I can actually do it. I also made sure not to isolate myself by hanging out in a friend's server even if I was mostly just listening to them yell at their games. Eventually I left them and joined a different server where I finished up work and played some Battlebit with them. It was kinda fun but all day I had been in my head and wasn't entirely present. All day I just wanted to chat with my bestie about anything because I felt like I needed that emotional release and I did end up getting that after some fun VR time. The only meaning I felt today was spent with her because she always manages to be a good thing even on bad days. Now I'm hopeful for tomorrow that I can figure out some things to do and focus on them. Im aware of the kinds of ways I was feeling today and how I did/didn't handle it properly.

[traumadragon]

feels dumb to post about adhd and autism here but I don't really have anywhere to scream (gently) about it

we literally cannot be diagnosed with autism because of how much neglect and abuse we went through, and the way i was tossed around my family constantly makes it impossible for anyone to have known me at critical times long enough to know if I have the childhood history of it other than my acting out + not getting attached to people.

we were finally diagnosed with ADHD recently through our psychiatrist letting us get on ritalin again last fall after we hadn't taken it since we were 7. our family that raised us after we were 8 found out i had been given it before they got me months after. the mother figure was very angry about it. they spent literal years teaching me how to manage my ADHD and I was severely hyperactive until on the autism side of things I developed an extremely strong interest in computer programming, which combined with the hyperfixation aspect of adhd with bouncing between different languages and different things to make with code.

now we are so burnt out, even when our burnout was decreasing, that it doesn't *look* like we have adhd. but in our brain? when the Ritalin wears off? it's like thinking with heavy fog and loud static getting in the way. our system doesn't communicate as well because our thoughts just cut off or jump suddenly and we can't locate where the original thought was. we started working on an essay for grad school on last Thursday, but our brain, even though we'd taken ritalin, used the Ritalin to focus on literally anything else super intensely. we couldn't get the focus, when it was there, to go on the paper. the day before we needed the draft turned in, we were up from 8 am to 11 pm working on the paper, and it was barely enough done to be enough of a draft for the professor to give feedback.

but we've started having meltdowns more easily again. when we manage the autism related stress well enough, people around us DO notice that we are *different*, that we don't communicate the same way they do, but it isn't an outright "you have a developmental disability". but when meltdowns get triggered more easily for us, it's the start of a huge spiral. if we don't do something to decrease the demands on us socially, sensory wise, etc, it will get worse. it's part of our burnout symptoms. we just recovered from the last burnout from the autism side of things in mid 2021.

but our body had already been warning us. we've been spending at least half of the day several times a week, and at least 6-8 hours the other days, nonverbal, brain refuses to communicate vocal cords and mouth movements and trying to think through it causes panic because we don't understand why. we accidentally started turning our work tasks into ways to use our interest in programming. we spent 3 days super intensely focused on that for the whole day, researching what was needed and trying to work with the limitations of the work computer. that made us get super far behind on the general tasks of our job on top of what we were already behind on. we aren't able to keep up with tracking social cues and the body language we've memorised very well. the only time recently we've be able to identify body language that registered as not neutral was in a meeting with two coworkers. i still can't tell what it means. I'm hoping it was just the look between two people just being annoyed with the conversation and one of the co-workers just telling me it was a yes or no question was the whole thing it was part of. anytime one of our interests comes up we don't remember to keep quiet and only give responses instead of talking about it more.

it feels stupid to be upset about it because I'm literally capable of living on my own, though I really can't keep up with hygiene and its always a problem, though I struggle to eat because ARFID+trauma fucks up what food i can cope with eating, but other than that, I'm able to exist with generally no difficulty, I'm in a field that is accommodating for the autism symptoms i have, its tolerant of my adhd. but I've gotten people accustomed to me being able to put a huge amount of effort constantly into just communicating in a way they understand.

it feels wrong that i wish i had been allowed to exist in a way that is comfortable to me. I'm too scared to use AAC instead of talking. I'm too scared of allowing myself to chew on things around people because I've been yelled at for it. I'm scared of talking about things I actually care about because people get frustrated with it. I'm scared of not doing a ton of math and observing tons of tiny things during a conversation just so people won't get mad that I can't figure out what they mean when they talk about things outside of visual context. I'm too scared to use ear plugs or ear defenders even though they would really help. I'm scared of anyone see a meltdown so I'm scared to let it happen if I can interrupt it at all, and I can generally interrupt it from starting by dissociating, but then when others are gone, I'm too scared to not just interrupt it and try to dissociate again because I almost break things i care a lot about a lot of the times with the trigger for them. So it just piles up over and over and eventually turns into a shutdown that confuses the people around me, that i am not so scared of, but it only delays an actual meltdown. I live in fear of when I won't be able to stop it anymore.

And I'm lucky I'm able to stop it. Even though it's because of abuse.

but no one sees the full picture of how bad it is.

I'm able to keep my autism symptoms being noticeable to me at a very low level instead of obvious. but every time burnout starts becoming obvious, it's harder and harder to not notice it.

and I don't know how to fix it because of how terrified I am of anyone noticing anything different than what they know of me.

and my therapist has literally said to me that I can't be diagnosed because of the way Aspergers was merged with ASD in the DSM5. Which is basically the therapist way to say that I don't suffer or struggle very obviously or in a way they notice so therefore it doesn't count. I know I manage it really well. But every person I know, online or offline, that knows me on a regular basis, if there's any concept of me being autistic in the conversation, the reaction everyone seems to have is "oh wait is that why you -" with a ton of random things like social cues and stuff I say regularly.

If people know what autism looks like outside of autistics that are nonverbal 100% of the time or struggle with gross/fine motor moments or other things that just aren't seen in autistics that get to live independently, they always register me as autistic. I can often tell if they do because they change how they talk to me even after just talking to someone else in their normal way, and I've read so many people with the form of autism that's similar to me getting upset about it... but I actually prefer it because they are clear, direct, and don't try to say so much at once.

If I stopped being so terrified of how people would react and let myself gradually just stop trying so hard, I don't know how my therapist or other people that know me would label me. It's so ingrained in me to do so many things socially as automatic responses, even though it's pretty common for a response to be incorrect, but people don't care if you correct yourself or apologise. but I don't know if anyone knows the real me, even online. i dont think i even know the real me. I just know the ways to interact and communicate and do things that I've been taught.

[tiredcommunisstt]

at this point i NEED a therapist

But therapy would trigger me

Also got kicked out at 18 by my parents for the following: drug use, rebelling against them,

Not taking my medication

Dropping out of highschool

Refusing to go to church with them or eat dinner with them(thanks mom for the eating disorder that was so bad that I refused to eat dinner because I was usually scared I had already eaten to many calories anyway by eating at school or work or what not and it had gotten so bad over the years that I was basically convinced eating after 6,7,8 would cause immediate weight gain… was to the point that I was body checking so often I noticed (u know, evening bloat, morning skinny) somehow I had correlated that to literally eating food throughout the day was causing me to visibly gain weight. Thank u for creating a world where I was so closed off that I wasn’t talking about this to a soul, that I was too young and inexperienced with life to know that I had a nice body just probably could have dressed better but anyways thanks mom)

I’ll never forget the day I got kicked out. it was around the end of November. actually I had been given a second chance. I had turned 18 that year, a month later, no longer enrolled in school, my graduation was supposed to be that summer,

They handed me a card at dinner in my 18th birthday and it had 50 dollars and they told me they were giving me a month. a formal eviction notice or some bullshit. no car or license(they didn’t trust me to drive I guess when I was 16 so they never helped me or pushed me in that direction and almost used it to try to hurt me BEFORE I was even 16 they always said I wouldn’t be getting my license and bla bla, it hurt and I tuned it out. Decided. Fuck them. I didn’t care anyways so yeah I didn’t have my license, didn’t have any savings(wtf I was literally freshly 18 even tho I did start working right after I was 16 because they made me buy all my own stuff) anyways I tried to kill myself like maybe less than two weeks later. They told U OF M hospital that made me stay or whatever that they thought it was for attention bla bla. diagnosed with bipolar i think that visit. saw trump win the 2016 election while I was in my stay. (doctors took my side and pretty much shamed my parents and I won’t forget that either. The only nice part of a horrible situation. I’ve never forgotten ppl who stand up for me. random strangers. ofc I had already told them why I was there and how stressed and upset and hopeless I was.

My parents gave me a second chance

said I could live there with stipulations

Or whatever

had a job, not going to school( pay rent)

That was fine

curfew 11 pm

That was fine

Taking prescribed medications

That was doable

outpatient recommended therapy

2 times rescheduled

The day my mom like went to take me the third time she made me change my coat as wE were getting in the car becaus it smelled like cigarettes

Me not wanting to change because I had severe body dysmorphia and wasn’t even comfortable going and the only thing I felt comfortable in was my big ass winter coat she got me from Costco that covered my whole body and my stomach that I thought was so bloated. i got out of the car and like kinda threw a tantrum and stormed down the road and she said

“If u don’t go to this appointment you can find a new place to live”

And I kept walking down the street

And when I walked to the front door after the adrenaline had settled she said

they were gonna change the locks and my stuff would be packed up and put in the garage

I’ve never spent the night in that house since

And also I hate them

it broke me

i hate everyone and this stupid Fucking life I have to suffer every waking moment thru.

merry fucking Christmas

[eddieandbird]

Part 10 - The Roof Incident

Part 9 | Eddie & Bird | Part 11

5:00 PM could not come faster for Dove. She had spent the whole day bouncing her leg and tapping her pen on her desk. Usually, she tried to be social with her coworkers, small-talking and gossiping in the break room, but she knew herself enough that it would be too risky. She knew she would just ramble on about Eddie and how charming he was, even when he had barely woken up. She was so giddy that she practically raced to pick up dinner and get home.

“Eddie!” Dove called out as he got through the door. Her hands were full with two bags of Chinese takeout. “Eddie? Eddie, where are you? I have food!” She placed her bags on the kitchen counter and scanned the room. Eddie was not in the living room or kitchen. She repeatedly called his name as she opened the doors of her bathroom, closet, and bedroom, her voice getting increasingly frantic with each failed search.

Panic set in as Dove realized that Eddie was nowhere to be found. She fidgeted with her ponytail while pacing the floor. “Shit, shit, shit, Robin’s going to fucking kill me,” She whispered to herself. She grabbed her keys and prepared to go back out to drive around the block to see if she could catch Eddie nearby. Her house was secluded and surrounded by big trees, with no actual buildings around for a few miles. If Eddie had snuck out and ran, he probably wouldn’t be around any civilians at least. Dove burst through her door and as she was about to get back into her car, she heard a light clanking noise coming from the back of her house. “What the hell?” she said as she ran to her backyard.

“Eddie, what the fuck?!” Dove looked up to see Eddie laying on her roof, smoking a cigarette that he must’ve found in one of her kitchen drawers.

“Welcome home, Buckley! How was work?” Eddie beamed down a grin at her.

“Eddie, why did you- nevermind! Get down now!” Dove demanded as she stomped her right foot.

“Woah, woah calm down, Bird. I just came out here for some fresh air,” Eddie chuckled, stepping down the ladder he had found from the garage.

“On my fucking roof, are you insane?” Dove continued to scold him. “What were you thinking? What if someone saw you?”

“You’re right, the local tree dwellers could’ve totally come after me,” Eddie blew a raspberry as he climbed down the ladder propped up against her house. Dove’s skin felt like it was steaming. She never was one for violence, but she wanted nothing more than to punch his face. Instead of throwing her fist, she balled it up to her side.

“Eddie, you scared the living shit out of me. I thought you ran away! I thought I was going to have to tell everyone that you were on the loose, and-and-and then what? Robin would literally murder me, Dustin would-” Dove’s voice cracked as she started to hyperventilate. She clutched her chest desperate for air.

“Hey come here,” Eddie tried to stop her rage by pulling her into a hug. Dove trembled in Eddie’s arms. He felt his shoulder become wet with her tears. 

Eddie felt awful. He was frustrated because, in an attempt to feel some sort of freedom and normalcy, his actions had hurt Dove. He even was upset with that thought because she was the only person in weeks that made an effort to help him live as comfortably as possible. She made him feel like he wasn’t fighting for his life, but that he was actually living again. He’s never been good at comforting anyone when they were upset, but he was going to do his damn best to make Dove feel better.

“It’s okay, Bird. Everything is okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” Eddie rubbed small circles on Dove’s back. His voice sounded so sweet, but it didn’t change the fact that it bothered Dove that he was now using her childhood nickname. She couldn’t tell yet if he was saying it sincerely or mockingly.

“Just don’t do any stupid shit like that again!” Dove pushed him away and stomped back inside her house. Eddie followed closely behind her, holding his head down in shame. “I got you fried rice and orange chicken, enjoy,” She said flatly, heading straight for the bathroom.

Dove locked the door behind her, hitting her head with the palm of her hand repeatedly. One day with Eddie, and she was already wanting out. She didn’t know if her heart could take the stress the wild child was capable of giving her. Why did Eddie have to be so chaotic? Why did he have to confuse her with sweet gestures just to mess it up with a grand fuck-up? Tears continued to rush out of Dove’s eyes, as she heard a light knock on the door behind her.

“Hey, Dove?” Eddie called, his hand pressed to the door. “You alright in there?”

“Yes, I’m fine. I’ll be out in a sec,” Dove replied as she ran a face towel under warm water from her sink. She gently wiped away her now ruined mascara and blush, her eyes bloodshot from her stinging tears.

“Listen, I really do feel bad for what I did. I’ve just been bored to tears all day. I thought a change of scenery would help me feel better,” Eddie nervously pulled his hair to his mouth. “And I know what you’re thinking. You really got a shit deal when Robin dropped me off here. Now you have to babysit Eddie the freak Munson. I get it, I’d be pretty mad at me too,” His voice trailed off. 

“Who told you that?” Dove asked from the other side of the door.

“Who did what now?” Eddie was startled by her response.

“Who called you a freak?” She continued as she opened the door. He stepped out of the way for the door but somehow ended up face to face with Dove.

“Damn near everyone…” He shook his head.

“I think ‘damn near everyone' should mind their business. You might be a pain in the ass, but nothing about you makes you sub-human. Liking D&D and heavy metal doesn’t make you a freak. If anything, their closed minds make them freaks,” She lightly brushed his shoulder as she walked over to the kitchen.

Eddie was frozen standing in the hallway after Dove said that to him. He almost didn’t believe that a beautiful stranger would stand up for him like that, especially with no one around to find her being charitable. He brought his hands over his face, undoing the trance he was in.

Dove stayed silent after that. She took her meal in her room to eat alone, listening to her radio while she moped in bed. After a few bites in, she calmed down enough to remember that she promised to call Robin after work.

“Robin?” Dove said weakly as she heard the other side of the phone pick up.

“Hey Bird. Everything okay?” Robin heard her tone and started to worry.

“Eeeeeh, kinda?” Dove’s pitch was high as she scratched her head.

“What did he do?” Robin groaned. Dove turned up her radio and placed it at the foot of the door in hopes of muffling out the conversation so Eddie wouldn’t hear.

“Rob, I came home and he was on my freaking roof! Like just laying on it, out in the open!” Dove exclaimed

“Yup, sounds like Munson. I’m really sorry Bird. I hope you tore him a new one for it,” Dove stayed silent. “You did at least yell at him, right?” 

“Kindaaaa?” 

“It’s a yes or no question, Bird,” Robin said sternly.

“Okay no, not completely-” Dove stopped herself, knowing she couldn’t avoid the question “I didn’t really know what to say. He’s been through a lot and he said he just wanted some fresh air, and he-” Robin chuckled.

“Oh my god, Dove,”

“What?” she spat, defensively.

“Nothing… I just can’t believe my sister is crushing on the Eddie Munson,” Robin whisper-screamed.

“W-what are you talking about?”

“Bird c’mon, you called him an asshole literally days ago. Now, I could practically hear you crumbling for him from here,” Robin smiled to herself. Dove was her sister, and she was going to give her a hard time, but she liked Eddie. She had a feeling Eddie would be sweet to Dove, and she figured if he didn’t, she knew she could always hit him with Steve’s spiked bat.

“I don’t know what to do Robin,” Dove whined. “This boy is going to be the death of me,”

Her feelings about Eddie were getting more and more complicated. She wanted him to follow her house rules so her anxiety wouldn’t paralyze her, but also she liked how he did the opposite. She didn’t want him to change who he was, even if it was to spare her mental breakdowns. Dove also held anger toward everyone who bullied him back home. She thought it was so stupid how society felt the right to beat down anyone who had a passion. Her life out in Indianapolis was filled with people who had the personality of a wet noodle and she hated that she had to act the same just to blend in. She felt like she and Eddie were different. If they weren’t in such a tough situation, Dove could imagine them in a studio apartment somewhere in Los Angeles, doing whatever their hearts desired.

[lacheri]

11:29 PM, 4/20

pairing: stoner!Eren and fem bodied reader

content: smoking/drugs, dumbification, finger fucking, penetration, porn without plot, minors DNI

summary: eren's been trying to fuck you for years now, and he's got a different angle to play at this time. all it takes are a few pretty words and free weed.

wc: 3.5k

notes: happy 4/20 lmfao i wrote this in two hours and i'm posting this unedited and half asleep

‘Rolling up, you sliding through?’

Your phone illuminated brightly against your face as you held your phone above you, your bed’s soft comforter brought up to your chin. You bit your lip, contemplating Eren’s invitation. Your eyes glanced to the clock in the corner of your phone screen, blinking a couple of times. ‘11:29 PM’ it read back.

‘Pleaaaase, 4/20 is almost over ):’ Eren had resorted to double texting, and you sighed, his battle easily won. You tried to believe it was fought hard, but you knew perfectly well that you were wrapped around Eren’s pretty little finger. He called, you answered. Simple as that.

‘I want a blunt all to myself for this Jaeger. I’m literally in bed right now’ you typed back quickly, clicking the off button on the side of your device, begrudgingly throwing your blanket off your body as the heat escaped. You gazed down at your attire, sweatshirt and sleep shorts bundled up to your form, and you sighed once again. Eren was going to have to accept you like this, because there was absolutely no way in Hell that you could fathom throwing on real clothes this late at night.

‘What’re you wearing? Send pics’

‘Eren I’m LITERALLY!!! On my way to your house right now’. This boy was going to be the death of you, or at least whatever brain cells you had left.

Fuzzy pink slides adorned on your feet, hair thrown up in the messiest ‘neat’ bun you could manage, you pocketed your keys and wallet. You grabbed your bookbag in the corner of your room full of paraphernalia, knowing well by now that Eren was too lazy to buy bongs or bowls, and made your way out of your home, locking the front door on your way out. You hit the unlock button on your car, throwing the bag in the passenger seat and set out for your late night journey.

It wasn’t uncommon for your best friend to hit you up so late, in fact it was Eren’s peak hours for hanging out. He never genuinely inconvenienced you, just an annoyance because every single time you got that invite text or call, your head would have just hit the pillow beneath you, sleep on the horizon. Traffic was the best at this time too, you would reason on the way there, virtually no cars on the road, turning your usual twenty minute ride into a ten minute one.

When you rolled up Eren’s driveway, you could see the dark red lights of his bedroom through the upstairs window on the front of the house. You picked your phone out of your pocket, texting a quick ‘I’m here’. You grabbed your bag, slinging it over your shoulder and climbed out of your car. By the time you made it to his front door, Eren was swinging it open, a goofy smile on his face.

“Just us tonight?” you asked, referring to the lack of cars in the driveway as you glided through the entryway.

“Yeah, feeling greedy. We haven’t hung out just us in awhile,” Eren smirked, leaning back and letting his eyes travel down your spine as you slid by him. He reached and pulled the door closed, locking it quickly and following quickly behind you.

You spent most of your nights here, knowing the pathway to Eren’s room. You jogged up the stairs, oblivious to Eren’s eyes trained in on your bouncing ass in your loose fitted shorts. His bedroom door was wide open, and you navigated over clothes thrown haphazardly on his floor to his unmade bed. You bounced as you sat down, hitting the mattress with your full weight and unzipping your bag, picking out your favorite bowl. Eren lifted the corner of his mouth, clearly amused at how at home you had made yourself.

“Comfy?” he asked, a teasing tone to his voice as he joined you on the bed, rolling tray and jar of bud in hand.

“Mhm,” you hummed, eyeing Eren’s hands as they set quickly to work. His grinder sat on the bed behind him, and after picking out a few clusters of green from the jar, he reached behind him and popped the top off, going through the motions of getting prepped for the smoke session. “What’d you do today?”

Eren shot you a dumb founded look, “It’s 4/20, what do you think I’ve been doing all day?”

You rolled your eyes, throwing your hands up in surrender, “Just making a joke, asshole.”

He chuckled, extending his hand out so you could pass him your bowl, packing it not long after. Eren looked around his mattress for a lighter, eyebrows drawn together as he couldn’t find one. You smirked then, extending the black lighter you had packed in your bag, and Eren smiled gratefully. He flicked the lighter once it was in his possession, pointer finger resting over the choke as he placed the pipe to his lips, inhaling deeply as the fresh green turned to ash. He lifted his long finger off the choke hole, removing the pipe as he held the smoke in for a few seconds, eyes instantly glazing as he exhaled.

Eren was one of those smokers that the second he had a hit of weed, it was written all over his face that he was high, even if he wasn’t. When Eren picked up the habit in highschool, his parents knew instantly what the boy had been doing during his “study sessions” with his friends. Now that he was an adult and moved out of his childhood home, Eren was pretty free in his indulgences, no longer carrying around eye drops to try and help him appear as innocent as possible.

After his second hit, Eren passed you back your bowl and lighter, coughing lightly as he exhaled, “What about you? What’d you do today?”

“Not much, spent all day watching documentaries and smoking my vape,” you laughed lightly, positioning the pipe to your own lips.

Eren’s eyes drank in the sight of your pretty plump lips as they wrapped around the tip of the pipe, fingers copying his as you bent your finger over the choke. The lighter ignited after a single flick, warm colored flames illuminating your face. It was like Eren was watching you in slow motion, but it was always like that with you, even when he wasn’t high. He could see the fire in your eyes as they focused downwards to your actions, and Eren felt his mouth go dry. You pulled the bowl away, making eye contact with him as the smoke exited your lips, licking your face as it traveled towards the ceiling on your exhale.

The two of you made small talk as you passed the bowl back and forth, Eren making a face once the bud was dead. He packed another bowl, repeating the rotation until that one was dead. The two of you thoroughly fried, he put the pipe on his bedside table and leaned his back against the wall by his bed. You mirrored him, resting your head on his broad shoulder as the two of you enjoyed each other’s company.

“We should make edibles this weekend,” you suggested, fingers playing with the drawstring of your hoodie. “Maybe invite the group over and get zooted and play a game or something.”

“Zooted?” Eren snorted. “I haven’t heard that word in years, grandma.”

You shot Eren a glare, which he began to laugh at, “I’m hip, okay? Zooted is making a comeback.”

“Stop trying to fit in with the youth, Myrtle,” he teased, wrapping his arm around your waist to tuck you into his side. “Man, if I was only 50 years older.”

You lightly elbowed his side, “You wish you could bag 70 year old me. I’m a fucking catch.”

“I wish I could bag you period,” Eren confessed, probably for the hundredth time of you knowing him. “How come you’ve never let me take you out?”

“Because, you’d just fuck and dump me and then I wouldn’t have a plug anymore,” you pouted, purposefully snuggling in closer.

“Is that what you really think?” he asked seriously, positioning his neck to the side so he could look down at you.

You looked up, centimeters apart from his face, “That’s what you did with all the other girls.”

“But you’re my best friend,” Eren frowned, taking his hand and pushing your hair behind your ear. “I wouldn't do that to you.”

“Don’t know if I wanna’ really find that out,” you smiled sadly.

“C’mon, let me prove it to you,” Eren licked his lips. “Fuck me, right now, and I’ll take you out tomorrow.”

You felt a pulse in your pussy suddenly, gulping spit down as you broke the eye contact, “I don’t know ‘Ren. We’ve been friends since highschool, what if it makes things weird?”

“You can’t look me in the eyes right now and tell me that you’ve never thought about it, about us,” his voice was a hare above a whisper. “Because I think about it all the time. ‘Is why I hit you up all the time, I like you stupid, I always have.”

This confession was so different from all the other ones. Eren was practically begging to let him in between your legs on a weekly basis, ever since you had met him. Never once had he been this honest though, so genuine sounding about his feelings. He had a point as well, you thought about being with him all the time. You were always at his house or going out somewhere together, you spent all your free time with him, of course you would have feelings for Eren.

“If,” you started, your eyes blinking rapidly as you returned your gaze to his red ones. “I say yes, and things are weird after, we’re going to pretend like this never happened and we go back to being friends.”

“Deal.”

Eren’s lips crashed into your’s, any and all hesitation rolling off your body as you eagerly returned his kiss. His other arm circled you, bringing you in somehow even closer to him as your hands grabbed both of his cheeks, feeling the flex of his jaw as you smashed your lips together. Eren’s hand traveled under the hem of your sweatshirt to the small of your back, guiding you to sit in his lap. Legs on either side of his hips, your tongues slipped through the both of your lips, meeting in the middle.

Maybe it was the high, maybe it was Eren, but the throbbing in your cunt only expanded as Eren smoothed his hands all over the middle of your torso. They traveled up to the swell of your breasts, free from a bra, cupping both tits in his large hands. His thumbs slid and teased your nipples, hardening instantly under his touch. You arched your back, pushing your chest into his palms even more, your hips flicking as he tweaked your nipples between his fingers.

You both moaned into each other’s mouths at the roll of your hips, feeling Eren’s dick harden fast underneath your clothed center. Eren had been wearing a pair of thin grey sweatpants, leaving not much to the imagination while he was in this state. You felt his lips scrape against your bottom lip, pulling it into his mouth and sucking gently. He released it, a string of saliva linking to the two of you together.

“I’ve been imagining this for forever,” Eren’s eyes were glazed and deep red when you met his gaze. “I just never thought this would happen.”

“I’ve been wanting you too,” you admitted, your dirty little secret exposed.

He smirked at your confession, hands still toying with your breasts. Silencing you once more with his passionate kiss, he moved his hands downwards and to your back until he met the waistband of your shorts. He easily slid under the hem, gripping your ass in his palms, kneading and spreading you apart. You felt your pussy flutter, the indirect contact sending you into a deep pit of arousal, your senses heightened greatly.

It was like Eren could read your mind, and his fingers traveled to your spread cunt over his lap, running a finger over your slit over your panties. You whined, pressing your hips down to achieve a greater pressure from his hand, in turn allowing your wetness to seep through the cotton of your panties. Eren chuckled against your lips, reading your body language loud and clear. He pushed the fabric aside, allowing his knuckles to brush directly into your folds. You moaned into his mouth as he spread your arousal around your vulva. When his thumb bumped against your clit, you felt your patience snap entirely.

“‘Ren, need your fingers, now,” you panted, eyes half lidded as his kiss traveled to the underside of your jaw.

“You got it, baby girl,” he hummed into your skin. There was no resistance as he pushed his middle finger into your opening. “Fuck, you’re fucking soaked. This all for me?”

You couldn’t find your voice, nodding and whining out as he pumped his single digit into your pussy. His touch was slow, deliberate, trying to memorize every single ridge and flutter of your walls as you pulsed around him. Eren’s mouth was dry, dick hard and throbbing, completely lost in the feeling of you sucking his finger in deeper. He couldn’t comprehend the fact that his cock would be replacing his fingers soon, finally fucking you like he had imagined for years now.

His middle finger dared to pull out, and you let out a desperate whine, thinking that was his plan. You gasped in relief and pleasure as his ring finger pushed past your entrance, clenching tightly on his fingers. Eren found solace in this, perceiving your flutters as permission to go finger fuck you at an ungodly pace. He positioned his wrist as a more comfortable angle, and his fingers pumped inside of you at the speed of light.

Your eyebrows came together, mouth hanging open as you squeaked and whined, Eren’s other hand finding purchase on your jaw. He squeezed your cheeks together lightly, forcing your lips to pout as he maintained direct eye contact with you. His own lips hung open, and you could see your reflection in his blown out pupils. It only enticed you more, you looked heavenly. Eren couldn’t have worded it before himself if you had verbalized this, whole heartedly agreeing with you.

“You’re so tight,” Eren groaned out, his hand leaving your chin and slipping two fingers in between your lips. “Suck, baby.”

You did as you were told, Eren’s fingers slowing to fuck up into roughly, hitting your sweet spot over and over. Your tongue circled around his knuckles, lips vibrating on his fingers as your moans were silenced. Eren was thoroughly enjoying himself, seeing you completely under his control like this. You were putty in the palm of his hands, literally.

He slid his fingers out of your cunt so suddenly, feeling the gush of your arousal against your inner thighs as his hand left your shorts. His other hand fell out of your mouth, moving back to your jaw as you felt the wetness of your spit spread across your face. Eren brought the hand he was fucking you with to his own mouth, and you were practically drooling at the sight of him sucking your pussy juices off of his fingers.

“Delicious,” he cooed after he pulled them from his lips. “Just like I always imagined.”

You took this as your opportunity to remove some of your clothing. You tugged your hoodie over your head, tossing it on the floor. Eren followed suit, removing his own white t-shirt and reattaching his lips to yours. You tasted hints of yourself, not at all repulsed, in fact the exact opposite. You tasted sweet, tart but sweet.

You pushed yourself away from Eren, scooting off his lap in order to tear off your shorts and panties. Eren mirrored you, almost ripping his pants and boxers off as he slid them past his thighs and ankles to the floor. He remained in his seated position, eyes swirling and fingers twitching at his sides as he watched your crawl back to him. You placed a sloppy kiss to his lips before turning your body around, placing your feet on the mattress on either side of his lap. Sat in a full crouch now, you grabbed Eren’s cock, pumping him a few times with both of your hands in a screw motion. He moaned from behind you, his own hands gripping your ass cheeks to support your frame.

You guided Eren to your hovering pussy, teasing your clit, soaking him in your dripping heat. He cursed underneath you, his right hand moving to your hip as you lowered yourself on his length. Eren groaned loudly as the feelings of satisfaction and relief flowed through his body, his own heightened senses taking over. You moved to rest on your knees when you felt Eren bottom out inside of you, a string of moans and whimpers leaving your lips. You arched your back and Eren leaned back more, eyes stationed on your beautiful round ass.

“You’re so fucking hot,” he ran a hand up to the back of your head, untangling your messy bun so your hair fell free down your back. “C’mon baby, bounce on my dick.”

You lifted your hips, slamming down to his pelvis urgently. It was so overwhelming, the feeling of his cock filling you to the brim making your brain empty. Your eyes screwed shut, mouth hanging open dumbly as drool coated the swell of your lips. You bounced again, and Eren yanked your hair back as he watched your pussy stretch around him, close to snapping and drilling into you as he saw the creamy ring form around his base. You were a moaning mess, unable to think clearly as your body took over. Pushing all your weight into your knees and palms resting on Eren’s thighs, you fastened your pace, ass bouncing every time Eren’s fat tip brushed up against your cervix.

You felt the sharp sting on your cheek and heard the resounding slap of his hand on your right cheek, tears springing to your eyes, “Fuck, Eren, you feel so good.”

Taking your hips into his strong hands, Eren was finally at his brink as he thrusted hard up into. You yelped, letting yourself go limp as he slammed into your cunt at a dangerous pace. He was in full control now, fucking you into a stupor.

Your hand left it’s home of his thigh, traveling to your aching center to rub your clit. Eren’s position was perfect, rubbing the underside of his shaft against your g-spot. When you opened your eyes, you could see his toes curling, legs flexing and twitching. He wasn’t going to last long, your pussy putting him under a spell. You circled your clit with your pointer and middle fingers, throat raw from all the noises escaping you. All you felt was Eren, all you could hear was Eren, he was filling your entire being up, replacing any and all thoughts they may have lingered in your brain.

“Gonna’ cum,” you whined, fingers moving even faster.

“I’m so fucking close, fucking cum baby,” Eren growled, thrusts desperate and becoming irregular.

You stilled above him, a breathless scream heaving from your throat as you gushed around him. Your pussy clenched so tight, and Eren couldn’t hold back. Because as empty as your brain was, Eren was in the exact same state as he shot his thick load into you, filling your tight cunt up with his cum. You milked his cock, walls convulsing in your mind blowing orgasm. Black spots appeared in your vision when you realized you had forgotten to breathe, you took a deep gasp of air.

You were a panting, sweaty mess hovering over him. Eren was in awe, watching beads of his white seed leak out of your center. He’d worry about the consequences when his brain could comprehend what had just happened, but for now, the deep primal urge of filling you up was sedated. Eren didn’t think he could’ve imagined fucking you for the first time any better than this. And when you finally lifted your hips to release him, he felt a wave of sadness, your beautiful pussy no longer surrounding him.

“Did you, oh my God, Eren,” you lifted your hand in front of you, seeing the creamy white of his cum smeared on your fingers. “You came inside of me?”

“Sorry, baby,” he caught his breath as you turned your head over your shoulder to glare at him. “I’ll buy you Plan B in the morning, promise.”

“I’m on the pill, but still,” you huffed, letting the anger leave you as you realized Eren would take responsibility. “You didn’t know that.”

Eren laughed without humor, “Oh well, at least I know for next time. Now c’mere, wanna’ hold you while I roll a blunt.”

LACHERI © 2021: all writing content belongs to LACHERI. I do not allow reposts or translations. this is my only account.

[celestialrry]

stood up

3.5k

hello everyone!!!! I've been awol for literally weeks because i had absolutely NO motivation to write but i finally finished this piece ˊᗜˋ so YAY. ALSOO thank you for following me, liking, and reblogging my pieces (it encourages me somuchsothankyouireallyappreciateit-- and remember reblogging really helps us writers :))) )  here’s a hug for all ur patience and feel free to send me asks or requests i love talking to you guys! ε(♡'-')з

summary: Harry keeps standing Y/N up. (request from @ballerinrry! thank u love)

warnings: cursing, mentions of alcohol and sex, angsty but with a happy ending cause for some reason i can never let them end on a bad note

Y/N was excited.

It had been a while since Harry had asked her to go on a date, it was always the other way around recently. She couldn’t blame him though, Y/N knew just how busy Harry always was, and it wasn’t like he was purposefully not asking her to go do things, he just had a lot on his plate.

That’s what she kept telling herself anyways. 

It’s what she told herself when it had been 2 weeks since they had even eaten a meal together, and given the fact that just a few months ago Harry had come back to London for a while, that was rare. So, Y/N asked him to grab lunch on a Saturday while they were lying in bed together, and when he agreed, but failed to show up, leaving Y/N sitting at the cafe, her lips morphed into a frown and her eyes not focusing on the phone in front of her, she told herself he was simply booked up with meetings and studio time and such. 

Thats what he told her when he got into bed that night to apologize for accidentally standing her up. She forgave him, of course, and suggested they could just get dinner the next week. He agreed, even walked around to his calander her to show her he was marking the date off in his calendar with a heart, her first initial, and 7:00 PM etched into the little box with red sharpie. 

So, the week passed with quick kisses of good mornings and good nights, and while Harry was gone Y/N had on a black dress she had been excited to wear for a while now, with those little mini silver heels and a coat strung over her shoulders as she sat on her couch waiting for Harry to swing by to pick her up. She shot him a text that simply asked “You otw? xx”

He was not.

It took about 30 minutes of waiting on their couch to realize he was standing her up, again. And it took until the next morning for Harry to see her text (his phone had been on do not disturb while he was at the studio and he ended up spending the night at Sarah and Mitch’s after a few beers), and for the guilt to seep through his veins. 

He apologized, again. And Y/N forgave him, again. 

Only until it got to the point where Y/N no longer remembered the amount of times Harry had stood her up, for being at the studio, or sleeping after a meeting, or simply just not paying attention to his phone, she knew there was a problem. 

Harry was fully aware of the problem too. He knew that this was no way to ever treat a partner, and if someone was doing this to him, he’d dump them— well, he’s never been one to end a relationship unless it was necessary, so that’s an exaggeration, but it’s the principle of the thing. 

Which is why when he got home one day around 11 PM, gave her a kiss to the forehead after she sat up in their bed to give him a hug, and a soft  “Can we talk?” escaped her lips, he knew he had to fix this. So he asked her if they could talk over dinner the next night, he just wanted to sleep but also wanted to fix things with his girl, asking her if she was free of course, before telling her he’s gonna make a reservation at that nice restaurant the two of them used to go to quite often, because “it’s been a while since I’ve taken my favorite girl out”.

A grin broke out on her face because he had asked her! And if Harry was planning it, there’s no way he’d cancel or stand her up. 

 So yeah, Y/N was excited.

She woke up that morning with a smile on her face, and something akin to a what she thinks a rainbow would feel like running through her veins. It had only been a few months since she’d last been on a date with her boyfriend of almost 2 years and a half in person, and she was going to make the most of it. Because after this date, things would change. They’d spend more time together again and it would be like this little bump (that neither had acknowledged) never happened.

Y/N did, well, everything to prepare. Took a long shower, shaved, put on that coconut lotion Harry likes— he tended to dig his face in her neck when he smelled it while holding her—, brushed her teeth more than 3 times, dug in her closet to find that one patterned soft purple dress she bought ages ago but never had a change to wear it, until now, put on those really cute heels Harry said he liked once (“Looks like something you’d wear on a runway pet, I love ‘em.”), and even styled her hair differently than normal.

He had told her he would swing by at 8 on the dot after the studio, and soon enough, it was 8, with no sign from the man who made the promise himself. Y/N thought maybe there was traffic, he was just running late, texted him a quick, “Can’t wait to see you!! xxx” and put her phone on the coffee table, waiting on their couch. 

8 turned to 9, 9 turned to 10, 10 turned to 11, and soon it was midnight. Y/N doesn’t think she’d ever felt more empty than how she felt then, walking to their shared room of a year, slipping off her heels and tossing them towards the closet, as well as pulling her dress over herself and letting it fall to the floor behind her, grabbing that one t-shirt she always wears when she needs comfort (which just happened to an extra 2018 Live on Tour shirt Harry had laying around that she snatched just 3 months into them dating), and flopping into bed.  

She couldn’t fall asleep, and instead spent her time curled up in their bedsheets, a steady flow of tears making their way down her blush covered cheeks.

。:°ஐ

Harry usually didn’t make mistakes.

Sure, he had his moments, grabbing the wrong coffee off the counter when his name was called at the cafe, forgetting to text Jeff that he actually couldn’t make it to a meeting that was scheduled in a few hours. Just little things, things that didn’t matter that much, and could always be fixed. He didn’t usually make mistakes that weren’t easy to fix. He just wasn’t that kind of guy.

Until, he was.

Harry loved Y/N. He loved having her around, loved spending time with her, loved loving on her, loved kissing her, loved touching her, loved the way she went about almost everything. He was so in love with her, that hurting her was out of the question. He never wanted to be the one to make her cry, make her bottom lip quiver before the tears rushed out like he’d seen many times before, due to movies, his songs (which as sadistic as it sounds was an ego builder to have someone so close to him so affected by the music he wrote), her school work, or even her friends that weren’t being so nice.

In fact, he was so in love with her, even being so afraid of commitment (it took him over a year of them dating to ask her to move in), all he wanted to do was blurt out those 4 dreaded words. “Will you marry me?” It was a bond for life, and he was terrified of that, but with Y/N all he wanted to do was spend the rest of his living days with her.

When Harry had come back from being in L.A. for so long and finally being in the same city as his girlfriend back at their home, all they did was spend time together. Every time he saw Y/N all he wanted to do was say those 4 words that he hadn’t even fully come to terms with himself. It was dangerous, and Harry’s self control when it came to Y/N was lacking, so he simply did was every normal person would do in his situation.

He stood her up. 

Many more times than he could count, and of course he felt like the shittiest person in the world— shittiest boyfriend in the world—but at least now she can’t possibly be under the impression that he wanted to marry her, which is what he wanted. Or thought he wanted, until Sarah called him up one day after he had stood Y/N up for dinner the night before and told him off. Told Harry just how fucking terrible he made Y/N feel, how unwanted she thought she was, how she felt like they were loosing their relationship, and Harry didn’t know what to do with himself. (Of course Y/N had sobbed to Sarah about it over the phone while she was drunk off the wine she opened 40 minutes after Harry said he would be there, so she really didn’t even remember the conversation).

And later that day Harry had come home, heard her wavering voice asking if they could talk, and decided in his head he would tell her how he felt, how sorry he was, and how he wanted to be with her forever and love her forever if she allowed him. He had a few expectations for their dinner, that Y/N would probably tell him how he’s made her feel, and Harry would apologize, tell her why he did it, explain he thought it was no excuse, then tell her he plans on marrying her (obviously not proposing just yet, but finally bringing up the conversation they had never had even though they were in a serious committed relationship) and they’d go back home, have the most amazing sex ever, and forget about the whole thing. 

What Harry didn’t expect was to get a call from Jeff around 5 asking him to come to the studio to fix few vocals, then end up nailing down 2 songs in one night, go to a bar with the band to celebrate, get drunk, then pass out at Mitch and Sarahs flat. 

But that’s what happened, according to Mitch, who woke Harry up the very next morning. 

“Good morning man, wakey wakey,” Mitch’s teasing tone echoed through Harry’s (what felt like full of vodka) brain as he groaned and squinted his eyes. “Why are you waking me up at this hour in the morning?” Harry asked drearily, sighing and simultaneously regretting last night as a whole because the last thing he wanted to do while hungover was be up before at least 9 AM.

“We’ve gotta go to meet with Jeff about tour in like a hour, H” Mitch stated .

At Mitch’s words Harry sat up on their couch, eyes wide in fear. “Wait mate, I thought tha’ meeting was on Wednesday.”

“It is Wednesday H, god how drunk did we let you get last night…” Mitch said, beginning to recount some of Harry’s antics the night before. Harry however, couldn’t hear a thing with the blood pumping through his ears. If today was Wednesday, that meant yesterday was Tuesday, and he went and got trashed at a bar with his friends Tuesday night when— when he was supposed to be on a date with Y/N, when he was supposed to confess his intentions, when he was supposed to apologize for standing her up over and over, yet instead he went and did it again.

Now this, this was a mistake.

“…H. H. Harry? Are you there?” Mitch’s voice came back into focus and Harry shook his head. “I- fuck, I was supposed to take Y/N out last night.” Harry said, his voice trembling.

‘I’m sure she’ll forgive you, it’s just one night.” Mitch tried to make Harry feel better. He knew Y/N was a very forgiving person, she would get over this in no time.

“No, she won’t. I-I’ve stood her up for the past month and a half, Mitch.”

At these words, Mitch stands straight up  making pained eye contact with Sarah in the kitchen who was overhearing most of this conversation with her eyes wide. She had no idea it was this bad. “Month and a half? I thought it was just that one time a few weeks ago, Harry what the hell is wrong with you?” Harry simply shook his head and didn’t reply. He had absolutely no idea how to make it up to her. “I-fuck, I don’t know Mitch!” Harry raised his voice. “I need to see her and apologize, now.” Harry said, standing up and rushing over to the front door and slipping on his shoes. 

“This meeting is mandatory Harry, as much as I want you to see her too, she’d probably still asleep, and I don’t think this can be solved in under an hour.” Mitch said calmly, already knowing Harry was close to walking out his door. Harry stayed silent for a moment, weighing the options. Either go apologize to his girlfriend, or prioritize himself over her again. 

“We can do it another day, I’m sorry, but I have to go see her, tell Jeff I feel sick.” And he walked out without another word.

。:°ஐ

The morning after Harry stood Y/N up again was brutal. 

She stayed up all night, replaying moments with Harry in her head, analyzing if he wanted to be there with her, wondering if maybe he felt like he had to stay with her out of pity. It was torture, and the pain seemed to turn into numbness as time went by, and eventually the sun came up, and she stayed in bed, her motivation lost.

A loud crash and “Fuck!” woke her up, swollen eyes fluttering open to the invasive noise. Y/N furrowed her brows, her mind connecting everything that happened yesterday and unfortunately reminding her of the unbearable pain she went through the night before. A groan escaped her lips as she sat up and flung her legs out of her bed sheets that had been flung off the bed in the middle of the night.  She began grumbling to herself as she made her way downstairs, ready to tell Harry off for making so much noise.

Her mouth stopped moving, and instead remained in limbo as her eyes met Harry’s. His mouth opened to speak, but his words were caught in his throat as he saw the state she was in. It was when her mouth pressed into a line that he could begin talking. “Y/N, baby, please I know you don’t wanna see me or talk t’me right now but I’m so fuckin’ sorry, love. So so sorry, it was an accident, I went t’ the studio to fix a few things then got hung up on the songs and by the time we went to celebrate I completely lost track of time, and I was too drunk to drive home so I crashed at Mitch’s.”

Her mouth fell open at his words. Everything was happening too fast. Hearing that he stood her up to drink at a fucking bar to celebrate himself, then coming home and accidentally knocking over a glass in their kitchen (which she put together was the crash earlier after seeing the shards of broken glass on the floor) frustrated her to no end. She couldn’t bring herself to look at him any longer, and Harry had stopped talking after realizing what he just admitted to her. Without another glance, instead of looking at Y/N’s tear stained face, all he saw was her back, walking up the stairs to their room. 

“Fuck,” He said to himself before following her up the pink stairs. “Y/N, love wait-please, I’m so sorry, I just need to talk to you, I need to explain myself, please.” He begged as she shut their bedroom door in his face, his voice turning into a desperate whine at the end. 

。:°ஐ

It’s been 3 days since then, and she hasn’t spoken to him. He would leave in the mornings, kissing her forehead and mumbling an “I love you” and telling her exactly what time he’d be home, before leaving and coming back on time to find an empty plate in the sink and her lying in their bed, whether it be reading, scrolling on her phone, or typing on her laptop. He would apologize many times, reaching his hand out for hers and she would simply situate herself in their bed and lay down, back turned to him. 

Harry just couldn’t take it anymore. 

It was when she had finally let him kiss her forehead goodnight that he decided to take his chance. “Y/N.” He spoke softly, with no response or anything to indicate she heard him. “Baby, can we please talk- or I’ll talk and you listen, I just- I really need to say some things.” 

She was still faced away from him when he leaned against their headboard and he decided to keep going. 

“I- um. I’m sure you know how sorry I am, but I really am- sorry I mean. Not just for tonight but for every other time I’ve stood you up. I’m so sorry for not showing you how much you matter to me, and how much the things you do matter to me.”

It was then that she slowly sat up next to him and looked at him, eyes begging him to continue. He blushed at her intense eye-contact that he had barely gotten over the past few days and took a breath, opting to look at his hands fidgeting in his lap.

“We’ve been together for 2 and almost a half years, which is the longest relationship I’ve been in, and it’s no excuse to treat you this way, but I had just been thinking about how things progress even further than now,” He coughs. “Which is marriage, and when I finally came home, all I wanted to do was ask you to marry me- I don’t- m’not proposing right now, I just- I got really scared because wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone is crazy to me,

I’ve never thought that way about anyone else until you, I didn’t even really want to get married before you, and I started to distance myself before I ended up telling you this, but obviously that blew up in my face.” He chuckled a bit, locking eyes with her unreadable ones for a moment and lifting a hand to run through his hair. “What I’m trying to say, is that I love you, so so much, and I plan on marrying you— obviously if you want to too, of course— and I’m so sorry for trying to make you think that I didn’t care about you anymore or love you any less, because it’s the complete opposite of that.”

His eyes were watery now, as he started down at his interlocked fingers, and his eyes widened when her hand was gently placed over his own. “Harry,” Y/N began. “Look at me, please.” 

His head lifted to see her facing him, her brows knitted and a small smile on her face. “I forgive you, okay? I could tell you were kind of scared of commitment when we first started dating, and I wish I could say your reason for standing me up is surprising but it’s not.” They both chuckled a bit at this. “I- I’m still upset at you, I need you to know that, because 2 months of thinking the love of your life is avoiding you doesn’t feel all too great, so you suck for that,” she said, planting a quick kiss to his cheek which quickly turned pink. “But Harry, even if you asked me to marry you a year ago I would have said yes. I love you, so much, and I plan on spending the rest of my life with you as well. I’m sorry for giving you the silent treatment, it was… unnecessary and immature. So, thank you for apologizing. I love you.” She confessed again.

“S’okay, I deserved it, and I love you too. Maybe even more. So um, we’re okay?” Harry asked, a hopeful smile on his face. 

She nodded with a smile and pulled him into a much needed hug and pulled away only for him to bring her into an even more needed kiss. “If you ever try to pull that shit again, I’m breaking up with you.” She laughed and he tackled her into the sheets hiding his face in her neck.

“Duly noted, love. Duly noted.”