#that's not necessarily true. sometimes it is (though unintentional as it may be).

[noxtivagus]

i had such a weird dream last night hsjfjfjhkdl

[neodarkdark]

Comments on Svern's results on an online test

Results and test in question are viewable over here.

Set out with the trait and its explanation as given by the quiz, followed by my personal thoughts on Svern's results and how it applies to him.

Callousness is characterized by lacking empathy or concern for others. People high in callousness typically have deficits in genuine social sentiments and are often experienced by others as coarsely uncivil. In other words, they often make people feel uncomfortable.

It's really not surprising that this is maxed out and has been maxed out since the first time I did this test for him. This is kinda his deal.

Svern does, indeed, not care terribly much for other people or their feelings. He plays with them as he sees fit and it doesn't make him feel bad, nor does he typically feel pity or concern for people even if he acknowledges their situation as unfortunate or pitiable. I've said before that you shouldn't tell him your phobias (especially if it's something common/easy to exploit) because if it suits him he may just remember that for a convenient moment. He stands at a distance from others' emotional reactions as an observer.

The part about being uncivil is also true, although with a few notes; it was initially unintentional when he was a child (or he didn't see why he should care about it) and now it is intentional. In both instances it made people uncomfortable, though the reasons underlying it are slightly different.

Grandiosity can be described as having a grandiose sense of self-importance and the thought that one is better than others. People high in grandiosity often tout their abilities and their accomplishments while downplaying the contributions of others. They tend to put themselves on a pedestal and have a sense of entitlement about them.

Now this one is fun, because I'm pretty sure I know which statements in the test fed into this score. The issue is that Svern is different from the average person and does have special needs and just acknowledging that much doesn't necessarily indicate a grandiose sense of self-importance.

He is very confident in himself and will readily show off his abilities, but then he is a very gifted person. If you want to look at it like that, then in that way he is better than other people... Will he be loud about himself and put down other people's work? Yeah, but more often than not that's because he likes being an asshole and draws attention to himself to be obnoxious. Does he put himself on a pedestal and have a sense of entitlement? Ehhh, not really. Svern in actuality is overall pretty casual about his giftedness and doesn't care about it that much either way. Mostly it is what it is.

My thought on this score is that it's not totally wrong or ignorable, but it is probably skewed to be higher than it should be.

Aggressiveness is the tendency to behave rudely and with hostility toward others. Aggressiveness may be doubly hurtful to others if combined with callousness, since the aggressive person may thus be both intimidating and unfeeling in their demeanor.

This one... it's the lowest score he has on any of the traits. Svern can be aggressive and hostile, but it's not his norm. I don't really have much to say here. If he wants to be intimidating or he's pissed off, this is usually when he'll behave more in this way, otherwise he's mostly just a dude doing whatever. Yeah he may be rude but there's not usually genuine hostility or aggression behind it. He doesn't really care for that you know? He likes to come across as a silly little guy who gets under people's skin sometimes.

Suspicion is the tendency to harbor a strong and unreasoning distrust of others. Suspicious people often question the motives of even those who act loyally and devotedly toward them. Such people are often reluctant to open up to others and may interpret kind-hearted gestures as attempts to deceive them.

This score has increased since the first time and yep, I can say that Svern now is a more distrusting person than he was. He maintains a continual internal distance between himself and other people, effortlessly and automatically, even if he seems to like them or they're amiable toward him. It takes him a long time to open up to others and it's very easy to reverse it at any point. He might not assume someone trying to be nice to him is always doing so with ulterior motives but he doesn't wholeheartedly accept kindness either, even if he knows it's 100% in goodwill.

A lot of Svern's distrust centres around either his general dislike of and/or distance from people or his issues with his own personality. Something something the unbearable ordeal of being known.

No, he's just guarded and picky about people finding out about the "real" and unembellished him, even people he would consider friends. It's a huge sign of vulnerability and he hates being truly vulnerable.

Manipulativeness is the inclination to exploit others to derive benefits for oneself. Manipulative people take other people for granted and use them to realize their own wishes and goals, thinking little of interpersonal reciprocity or the rights of others. Such people often exhaust and frustrate those around them, since they give little in return for the services and favors they extract from others.

This one's always been fairly high, but interestingly, it actually went up a little. I don't recall Svern's manipulative tendencies growing that much, in fact I thought (wrongly) they had actually gotten less... I think I made the mistake of equating his desire for control with how manipulative he may be. (Which actually happens to relate to the next score.)

It probably ties into the callousness as well, in regard to having a constant internal distance between himself and others and thinking of them as means to filling his own needs and wishes, and not caring about them otherwise. This is also what makes being Actual friends with him difficult btw, besides his own mistrustfulness. Does he actually care about you or are you just convenient and pleasant for him to have as a "friend"?

Honestly he's not actively trying to exploit others as often as he is just taking things for granted because it doesn't matter to him. If that's the measure of manipulativeness then it makes a lot of sense.

Dominance is the tendency to put on airs of superiority and talk down to others. Domineering individuals have a strong desire to be seen as leaders and often react with combativeness when they cannot get what they want. They frustrate others by meddling in their affairs and with their attempts to control the decisions of those around them.

This score dropped noticeably. I think some of this is from continuing to shed the remnants of beta Svern who was a very controlling person. Svern is still someone who likes to have control, when it matters to him, but more often than not it doesn't matter to him (at least not when it comes to control over other people and what they do). In fact he would rather not control other people's actions. Even if they might already be predictable, it's still better to watch them act of their own accord, and any influencing should be done covertly and just by feeding into their existing tendencies.

(Wow, it sounds like Dazai's mentality VS Fyodor's mentality now.)

As for putting on an air of superiority, that doesn't really work very well when you're clowning around half the time (and the clowning has definitely increased). He may do so jokingly and/or talk down to others but again part of that is just because he likes to be an asshole.

Risk-taking is the propensity to engage in risky behavior for the sake of experiencing thrills. People high in this trait impulsively seek sensations to overcome boredom, and often get pleasure from shocking others with their adventures and stunts. Risk-takers often make those around them ill at ease since their actions may have consequences for others as well as themselves.

This score has increased a lot since the first time I did this test for him. Svern sure is far more impulsive and prone to risk-taking than he was a while ago. Overcoming boredom? Yep. Getting pleasure from shocking others? Also yep. What's not to lean into? I think this is self-explanatory.

In this regard his callousness toward others also extends to himself. He doesn't totally disregard the potential consequences of his actions but he's either confident he can dodge them or he's at peace with them. YOLO. You stay ahead of the boredom or else fuck up so badly that the boredom or anything else doesn't matter anymore. Everything works out in the end.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

(I also want to mention that part of this is likely because I personally have loosened up about muses getting into risky behaviour.)

[selormohene]

day 143 (thursday, november 23rd 2023)

I remember being an exuberant child. I'm told that I used to be very wilful as a toddler; I definitely remember being very independent-minded, even from a young age, and in particular I remember that independence of mind having made its presence felt in the practical domain, rather than merely in thought. I remember being very emotional as well. I particularly remember that I used to tell my friends I loved them, and I'm pretty sure I may have gotten in trouble for it. I think I got in trouble for a few things, mostly for no good reason.

Anyway, I remember being an exuberant child, being emotional and perceptive and sensitive and intelligent in all sorts of ways. I feel like that's all gone now, or at the very least it's buried so far within me that I don't know how I'll ever get it all back. But even to state things in those terms seems to suggest that all the things I used to be continue to exist within me, somehow, in an undisturbed state, and that what's keeping me from them is only so many accretions of unnecessary muck, or protective layers, or scar tissue, or whatever it is, and that all that would be required would be to clear it all away to bring me back to the person I was as though nothing had happened. But I don't know if that's necessarily true; it may be that all of what I used to be and value in myself has been subtly distorted and redirected rather than having merely been covered over, and restoration is, at least in principle, a lot more difficult than excavation. At its easiest it can amount to unknotting something that has been tied up, or straightening something that's been bent, but it might also involve something like bringing back to its original shape something that's been warped, which may or may not ever fully return to the way it was, and at its most impossible it might be akin to trying to reverse the frying of an egg, or trying to reverse the melting of an ice cube. The former is basically impossible, and as for the latter, you can, of course, freeze ice that has melted into water, but you'll never get the exact same ice cube back.

When I think back over the years there are a few things that I can remember having contributed to crushing my spirit. Every time I was shouted at for crying, for instance, something inside me was broken. It's curious that of all the negative episodes in my past many of the particular moments I remember involve precisely that. Every time my pleas to be seen, to be heard, to have my emotions acknowledged, were dismissed, every time I had to keep quiet and go along because there was no point in saying what I wanted to say, knowing that nobody was listening. You don't necessarily notice the impact that each moment has, although sometimes you do. But the point is that I feel as though the process of my growth into adulthood, such as it has been, has primarily amounted to so many cases of being beaten half to death, to the point where my range of motion has been severely limited, both as a direct result of the injuries I've sustained and out of the fear of sustaining further damage. Part of the problem is that the sorts of situations which would go the furthest to helping you return to who you were, at least insofar as they involve being around other people, are precisely those in which you're most vulnerable to being beaten down even further. At the same time I feel as though I've developed a form of detachment which has been both protective and, in a way, detrimental. It's like once you understand the cruelty, intentional and unintentional, the thoughtlessness, the selfishness, the inveteracy, that people are capable of — yourself no less than others — you either become consumed with bitterness, or else you completely shun the company of others, or else you ignore all of it and continue to place yourself in situations where you can be hurt, essentially trying to deny the sense of certainty that tells you that people are or can be flawed in deeply significant ways, or else having no sense of discrimination between reasonable and unreasonable people because your only real operating modes are to assume that humanity as a whole is invariably one or the other, or else you adopt a sort of forgiving, understanding attitude which seems to be nearly incompatible with genuine intimacy, because you've essentially priced everything in from the start, but to do so is incompatible with trusting that people will not disappoint you. Or else you adopt some sort of nearly incoherent combination of these attitudes, so that you're constantly stumbling through life, never quite seeming to get it right, and it's partly the incoherence of your attitudes and partly your never having quite figured out how to live well that would seem to explain why you still find it difficult to feel close to the people around you.

[johns-prince]

I think when Paul was young he lived in Paul world, if you were interesting to him you were in Paul's world and his whole focus was on you but if you didnt interest him you were invisible. In Paul's world everyone does what Paul wants cause that's the only way obviously and if you protested you were odd and confusing and might need to be ejected from Paul's world. It's not malicious just a bit i dont know childish? That might be the wrong word. PT 1/2

PT 2/2 Again this may be the wrong word but I think John was a bit childish in that he had black and white thinking. There was the people he loved who he absolutely adored and there was everyone else and fuck them. If you hurt him even accidentally then you were an utter awful bastard and he'd never forgive you. The people who were Good just got his full warmth and love and the people who were Bad got the complete force of his acid tongue and cruelty.

Alright, so, I’m not a Paul girl. I’ve talked about how he vexes me sometimes because I can’t really pin him down as I can John. So I’ll try my hardest to I guess, delve into what I think, in regards to him here, the best I can. 

Firstly I’ll say I know you’re not trying to come off insulting or anything towards Paul. I understand what you’re trying to say.

I don’t think it’s fair to claim that Paul only cared about those who technically did what he wanted them too. I mean we could argue that about anyone, anyone young especially-- I could easily argue that about John. We all would like people in our lives, in our realities, to do what we’d like and behave in an easy way to handle and understand. 

But as we grow older we come to terms with the fact that it can’t be done because the world isn’t fair and we can only control what we do and say, and who we might surround ourselves with. But people are going to be confusing and hurt us and be odd and not always meet our demands or expectations, and we’ll probably be the same to others. Just how it is. 

I think with John you’re quite right. I don’t think it was intentionally though, similar to Paul’s way of dealing with people who upset him. Or, even, people who didn't intrigue him, who couldn't keep his attention— wasn't intentionally malicious or anything, though yes, perhaps a bit childish, or simply unaware.

Like, the thing is, Paul wouldn't know if he hurt someone's feelings, because he was busy and if someone gave him a relatively straight answer, he'd take that. Wouldn't exactly read between the lines— he was always moving, y'know? Like, Paul hadn't exactly known John was upset that he hadn't invited John to help with Eleanor Rigby. Because when asked, John simply said it was fine— even if it wasn't to him.

My point is— if only people had told Paul that he had rubbed them the wrong way, or said or did something that hurt or upset them, at the time of it occurring, he would've probably try to rectify it, or clear it up.

If there was only communication, between all of them. Instead of years later, after John had passed, to be told by George, and even Ringo. How was he to really know?

But anyways... I mean if we’re talking in terms of how they expressed their hurt and anger, then perhaps I could agree overall. 

Paul can be just as biting and cruel as John could be, but his anger was simply much colder. He’d lock you out if you upset him or pissed him off. He’d cross his legs, pull up a newspaper, and basically ignore you. Or he’d walk out. It’s true that if Paul wants nothing to do with you he has no qualms in making that known. In a way I suppose that supports your claim that he basically “ejects” people from his world, or circle of friends and allies. You’ve just as much lost his good graces as you would with John. 

Thing is, Paul had just a bit more patience with people then John. He’s much more diplomatic, or at least that's what it seems since Paul wanted to be more involved in the bands business matters, and did seem to be a bit more on the PR side of things then the others (it was simply Paul trying to keep things smooth sailing, he didn't need chaos he needed control, not necessarily being actually a great PR man inherently) he's also much more sociable, being a bloody Gemini lol John, as surprising as this is to some people, was quite shy, bit introverted. So, Paul, despite being much more emotionally constipated than John, just knew how to deal with people, talk to them, y'know? I don't know if I'm making much sense.

Now, with John, John could bite, or at least could in a way that Paul couldn't. John could give someone a wallop if he wanted too, and if you weren’t careful, he would. I’ve read a quote somewhere that would agree if you hurt John or made him feel as if you betrayed him, immediately you’re seen as the enemy and thus blacklisted by him.  

So, I think you're right that, in a way, John's way of seeing things, at least in terms of who he wanted to interact with and have in his circle, was black and white. But that's because, unfortunately, John assumed the worst lol he had this belief that, in the end, people in his life would leave him, abandon him. An insecurity, clearly. So, he'd have the horrible habit of 'testing' people out every once and awhile, make sure they were still loyal, still loved him, and would then stick with him despite the occasional test, of John pushing them away, testing their patience and loyalty to him.

If anyone hurt him, you were lucky if that didn't lead to be completely tossed out of his personal circle— especially when with Yoko. She sort of caused that insecurity in John, or how he'd deal with it (black and white) to get worse. She encouraged John to stay away from people who supposedly hurt him (though not Klein, Spector, or magic Alex, no...) or upset him. Cut ties, leave them in the past, they're only going to drag you down.

The funny thing is, though, Paul apparently hurt John very deeply— whether it was intentional or not, that's what happened. I think John tried, earnestly, to let Paul go, to take Yoko's extremely black and white thinking in terms of "letting go of the past and those who hurt you even if it was unintentional they upset you so let them go" and try to run with it.

John simply couldn't. He couldn't let Paul go. At all. Even if, what we might theorize what had happened, why John felt and acted hurt by Paul, worse than how George felt— like a scorned, ex lover, an ex spouse who, despite all their bullshitting, their hypocrisy and spiteful behavior... Still loves their ex, still wants them.

The funny exception, or simply a telling exception.

[lesbian-vmin]

I think vmin is real wouldnt it be mean for them to intentionally look romantic with things like 4 o’clock and saying each other soulmates? and how there songs connected.

Seemed like I should answer this.

I don’t wanna say vmin is real because of 4 o’clock and because they call each other soulmates. Let’s talk about those two things first.

Let’s talk about 4 o’clock first. While it’s clear that 4 o’clock is about Jimin (seriously come fight me) because Taehyung confirmed that himself, that doesn’t necessarily confirm them being romantic. (This post will be a mess, but below the cut)

I think many people believe the lyrics of 4 o’clock are romantic, and that’s why many anti-vmin shippers and many anti-shippers (different than non-shippers) in general want to try to argue about the fact that the song is, indeed, about Jimin. This was argued against when Namjoon initially said (and then deleted) that the feeling in the song was inspired specifically by Jimin. Taehyung had described the feeling that he wanted the song to give, and he talked about waiting on a friend. When Namjoon asked him if he had any specific friend in mind, his answer was Jimin. He ended up deleting the part about Jimin with no explanation as to why, so a lot of people said that it wasn’t. However, three years later, we get a new confirmation from Taehyung himself (and Jimin) that the song was, indeed, about Jimin. 

No. He might not have said Jimin specifically. He just said that he wrote it about the time of the dumpling incident, and it was about their fight in the park. Whoever wants to come at me and say that doesn’t mean it’s about Jimin....really. I’m not saying 4 o’clock is a romantic song, okay? But it’s about Jimin because why would Taehyung write an entire song inspired by a moment that happened between him and Jimin when the song has nothing to do with him? Whether or not it’s a romantic song is a different story. But...it’s about them making up in the park, which means that the only person it can possibly be about is Jimin. And people can write songs for friends. It’s not like you write a song for/about someone, and it automatically has to be romantic. People write songs for friends and family all the time. But you know. Tumblr and how everything has to be romantic or nothing at all, so...

But anyway. That whole disclaimer paragraph is a little off topic from the ask. There’s really no lyrics in the song that specifically make it a romantic song. There are some deep meaning lyrics, and some might argue that the reference to the movie make it a romantic song. Specifically about a gay romance since the movie is a gay movie? I don’t know much about the reference, but here’s a block quite from Genius to explain the connection? Whether the song actually references that movie...I’m not sure. I’ve never seen anything where either Namjoon nor Taehyung specifically bring up the movie, so whether that’s true or not is still debatable to me until it comes from one of them themselves. Or if someone can provide the source in which they said so..because I honestly don’t remember them ever saying it. But it might just be a detail I’ve forgotten or something I’ve never seen. (BTS has way too much content for me to keep up with everything.)

RM references the 2016 film, Moonlight, which tells the story of a young, gay, African-American man growing up in Miami. One of its signature lines is:

Runnin' around, catching up all that light. In moonlight, black boys look blue.

Many of the main character’s moments of vulnerability and self-discovery take place under the moonlight. The play on which the film was based was also called, “In Moonlight Black Boys Look Blue.”

Even so. The reference to the movie, if true, still doesn’t necessarily have to mean that it’s a gay love song. Because why that movie was referenced might not be because of the ‘gay’ part of the movie but the ‘moonlight’ part? I don’t know.

On a side note, I somehow think it’s sweet to think that Taehyung was telling Namjoon he was waiting on “a friend” instead of just outright saying Jimin. Part of me likes to wonder if Taehyung was a little shy about telling him it was Jimin when he asked. Another part of me wonders if Namjoon asked him about the specific friend because he had a feeling it was Jimin. (Also, I’m 98% sure that “the moon” that goes to sleep in the song is Jimin. I don’t think it’s a literal line. I think it’s a metaphor. And I think “the moon” is Jimin, and I don’t have to go into my justifications for that because there’s plenty of confirmation (from Taehyung himself) that he sees Jimin as the moon. Those aren’t theories. He literally says it himself.)

All that being said, I’m not trying to negate the possibility of the song being romantic, either. Because it is possible that it’s romantic, too. There’s just no guarantee. The song feels romantic to me, but that doesn’t mean it is.

Moving on, let’s talk about Friend and them calling each other soulmates.

The term soulmates is has a deep meaning, but that doesn’t mean it has to be romantic. It just shows there’s a deep connection between two people. Many languages use this term as something that can possibly be platonic, and even people who speak English sometimes use this as a platonic term. So, needless to say, the part in Friends in which they call each other soulmates doesn’t really confirm romance to me. In fact, it’s the least suspicious, potentially romantic part of the song. To me.

I think something that stands out more is the intimate “Hello, my alien” line and promises to stay together. I could be wrong about the intentions behind “my alien”, but it does feel pretty intimate to me. I’m stating this as an English speaker (though some English speakers may still disagree with my explanation depending on the individual and specific friend culture), and the fact that the lyric was written in English instead of Korean. Typically when we say “my x” it’s pretty intimate. It’s okay to address you friend, “Hello, my friend” but most of the time, adding anything else is a little different. An usually reserved for children or romantic partners. “My baby” “my sweetie” “my love” “my dear” “my star” etc. And, while it’s possible that friends joke around with friends and might say “my wifie” to their best friend, it’s usually in a joking manner. If the lyric was written in Korean, there could be a little more ambiguity here because Korean’s use “our” instead of “my” for many things. If you translate literally, a Korean woman calls her husband “our husband”, but that doesn’t mean she’s sharing her husband with anyone. So the choice to make the lyric in English makes the line seem a little more possessive and intentional to me. Because he’s not our alien (he’s expressed his dislike for being called that). He’s Jimin’s alien.

There are some pretty deep, potentially romantic lyrics in Friends. But again, nothing to be confirmed. Because it’s not obviously romantic. Or strictly romantic.

Still, them calling each other soulmates could be platonic, too.

And now. As for their song connections, I assume you’re talking about how Vmin bloggers often compare their songs and link the songs together. While I see all the possible connections, and they can certainly be suspicious to those of us who make those connections, it’s all just theories. Until Vmin themselves link their songs together, we can only assume that the connections we draw are based in our heads and unintentional. It’s a little silly to say they’re mean for unintentionally creating songs for us to connect to each other. They might not even think of the connections themselves, and it’s just coincidental that they go together so well when we get to analyzing it.

All that being said. I’m not trying to deny the possibility of their songs actually being linked. Because I’m one of the people who can see the connection. But I’m also highly aware of how human minds naturally notice patterns and make connections even without realizing it. And, while I like to think I’m impartial because of my reasoning behind shipping vmin, it doesn’t eliminate the possibility of me still being biased based on that. Because our minds naturally look for confirmation to affirm our own thoughts. It’s why you’re (probably) more likely to be drawn to articles and blogs that stand on the same side as you. Because it’s thought confirming instead of thought provoking.

On the other hand. There are vmin bloggers that say a lot of things I disagree with. Which is actually why I started talking about Vmin on here. Because I don’t necessarily agree with other vmin bloggers. Not saying they’re wrong and I’m right. But I just wanted to share another perspective than the others were giving. I think that’s why any of us start sharing.

[septembercfawkes]

Understanding the Thematic Pendulum

Several months ago, I was introduced (somewhat indirectly) to the idea that the theme in a story is like a pendulum, swinging from one extreme to the other. I wondered about that. And I questioned if it was true.

As a structure, I often picture the thematic thread the same as any plot thread, mainly:

The theme topic is introduced early in the story. Typically, the protagonist starts with a false thematic statement (or a "misbelief" or "The Lie the Character Believes"--all different terms floating around in the writing world for the same concept). And through the course of the story, as they encounter conflicts and characters that explore the theme topic, that false belief is brought into question. Near plot point 2, or The Ordeal (depending on what story structure terminology you use), typically the true thematic statement is revealed and then proven true in the story's ending. In some cases, the true thematic statement may come during the ending instead.

This is usually all manifested through the protagonist's character arc.

But the character arc doesn't seem like a pendulum to me.

I mean, it seems more like an arc, or at least a triangle, like above.

Well, also several months ago, I was using a whiteboard to diagram story structure, but I ran out of room to properly draw the thematic thread line, so, I just decided to draw it like this:

With the zig-zags symbolizing the in-between state where things are being explored and questioned.

A little after running into the pendulum concept, I looked at my whiteboard and kind of laughed because I did seem to unintentional diagram a pendulum effect--a back and forth and back and forth swing.

Okay, hang with me, so prior to all this, I did a couple of posts not directly writing related. One was about exactly why failure is key to becoming exceptional and the other was about how we develop discernment and wisdom as human beings. In order to develop wisdom, we have to have a level of discernment. Discernment can only take place when we encounter opposites. Why? Because wisdom comes from learning how to reconcile these opposites. Now, the opposites may not be direct opposites, but rather, something that varies in degrees from something else (for example, the colors pewter gray vs. steel gray--they are both gray, but we can see the difference).

As more time has gone on, I've thought more and more about how storytelling at its finest is really about imparting wisdom (generally speaking, because there are always exceptions). In some stories, that may be wisdom we already know, but we need to re-hear or have validated to us: Never give up! Love conquers everything! You matter! Other times, it may be new concepts we've never put together before, like how language affects our thinking and cognitive abilities (Arrival) or (for some of us) how when you feed and entertain a nation, they lose their political power (The Hunger Games). Sometimes, the wisdom reconciles things we personally, or our society as a whole, has been struggling to reconcile, such as balancing loyalty to another when it's at odds with our own personal morals.

But in order to arrive at wisdom, you must have oppositions of some sort in play. Otherwise it's not wisdom. It's just knowledge or common sense. The wisdom imparted to the audience is the thematic statement.

Back to the pendulum idea.

As I was looking around, I didn't really see this pendulum idea at work--until I realized I needed to widen my scope from the character arc.

See, when I think of diagramming theme, I think of diagramming character arc. Absolutely the character arc almost always illustrates the theme. But remember what we have been talking about? . . . through the course of the story, as they encounter conflicts and characters that explore the theme topic, that false belief is brought into question.

That's when I realized, it's not a pendulum necessarily within the character (though it can be); it's a pendulum throughout the story as a whole. After that, it all started to fit together.

See, the theme topic will be explored by conflict and by other characters.

Often, thematically speaking, there will be a character at odds with what the protagonist believes, comes to believe, or represents

Jean Valjean vs. Javert Hamilton vs. Burr Harry vs. Voldemort Elsa vs. Anna The Tortoise vs. The Hare Shrek vs. Donkey Dr. Jekyll vs. Mr. Hyde

A lot of times, this may be the antagonist. If not the antagonist, it may be someone who is buddied up with the protagonist.

Interestingly, these characters may sometimes start on the same false thematic statement (Harry vs. Voldemort, Jean Valjean vs. Javert), but by say, plot point one, they start deviating. And by the end, they will be completely different. (Harry and Voldemort both start believing hatred and fear is the most powerful force, but by the end, Harry knows love is the most powerful force; Valjean and Javert both believe justice is the most powerful force, but by the end, Valjean learns and proves mercy is more powerful than justice (a reality Javert literally can't live with).)

HOWEVER, notice that pairings that start this way still have the opposite quality manifested in the story. Harry starts completely unloved, but he is tied to Dudley, who is so loved and doted upon that he is spoiled. Justice has made Jean Valjean cold, but the Bishop shows him mercy.

Because there are more characters in the cast and most of the key players should be interacting with the theme topic in some way, you may have more going on than direct opposites. You may have the theme topic represented by three or even four extremes (In the Hunger Games, for example, it's often Katniss vs. Peeta vs. Gale). Or maybe it's illustrated less in character and more in conflict (although, those seem to go hand-in-hand most of the time).

But the point is that early on, the audience is swinging between extremes.

It's the audience that experiences the pendulum, not necessarily the characters.

Now, what naturally happens in real life (and hopefully in the story), is that before we've gained wisdom on the topic, we do swing between extremes. This is the equivalent of a little kid who is trying to "test the boundaries"--it's not because they are a bad kid! It's because they are trying to figure out where the boundaries are. The same thing happens with us.

So near the beginning of the story, the theme topic may seem to be illustrated in extremes, to the audience. (Don't forget, this is the audience's experience!)

But as the characters have different experiences with the theme topic, they explore it, and we show to the audience that the theme topic is actually multi-faceted and rather complicated when it comes into contact with the "real" world.

Again, as I talked about in those two other posts, imagine this process as learning to discern white from black and then gray.

The starting of the story may seem more back and white, because of these extremes.

But as the characters struggle with the theme topic through the middle, we are struggling to come to a better understanding of it ourselves.

Naturally, we start seeing gray.

And more of it. 

And still . . .

Our ability to discern is becoming more fine-tuned. It's less about wide-ranging extremes, but more about subtle differences.

To show this a different way, this happens:

Until eventually we reach that critical moment where the true thematic statement is discovered (often as an epiphany by the protagonist). 

This is the moment of wisdom.

Which we then must take and validate through the climax of the story.

In some stories, the true thematic statement may not be accurate of either of the original character pairings. For example, Hamilton tries to control his legacy by never throwing away an opportunity, while Burr tries to control his by saying no to any opportunity that doesn't seem safe. But the true thematic statement is that, actually, in the end, none of us have full control over how we are remembered. Because neither character fully grasps and utilizes this information after plot point 2/The Ordeal, it creates a tragedy in the climax.

Once we validate the true thematic statement, we impart wisdom to the audience, enabling them to better navigate this thing called the human experience.

I still feel the thematic thread follows the typical basic story structure. But maybe now, I'd draw it like this.

The climax being the thematic climax, which, in most stories, will happen around plot point 2 or The Ordeal. But again, it can happen during the ending.

So what can we take away from this?

- Look for character pairings (or groupings) where the theme topic is rendered in extreme, opposing perspectives.

- Illustrate extreme oppositions early on.

- Through the middle, question and test extreme perspectives to help with discernment and refinement. Any characters who embody an extreme perspective will be asked/invited/confronted with things that buck against that worldview, that misbelief. Characters with less extreme perspectives will share and show that perspective to the main players.

- Prove the thematic statement true by the end of the climax, and validate it thereafter.

Keep in mind that everything in this post is a guideline and tool meant to help you and your story. There are successful stories that don't follow this, of course. But, knowing this may prove helpful to you.

Related Posts:

How to Write Your Story's Theme

How Theme and False Theme Affect Your Protagonist (Amanda Rawson Hill)

How to Add Dimension to Your Story's Theme  

Exactly Why Failure is Key to Exceptional Success

How to Develop Discernment and Wisdom

[bossyohan]

Seungyoun; Enemies-To Friends-To Lovers (au.)

You and Seungyoun always admired each other

Both having your majors in music and in production/composing, you had a lot of the same classes together

You somehow ended up being in the same classes that were unrelated to your majors also, which meant seeing each other maybe 90% of the time on campus

And the other 10% would be off-campus, when you’d try to find different spots to get your creative flow going

Whether it be the coffee shop, a bench in the park, etc.

You’d think that you were on a first-name basis with him at least, but no

He didn’t acknowledge you at all during these times

And when you all had to share your work in class, there would always be positive feedback from all of the students except for Seungyoun

So you decided not to acknowledge him either

But you do have ears, and it’s clear to you that he’s something of a master at composing

Instrumentals, lyrics, the whole thing

And that makes you a bit insecure, which only makes you try harder with your music

And it makes h i m insecure when he hears how effortlessly brilliant your works sound

So this silent battle of “who is better?” plays out for the whole first semester, and you both excel and succeed on just about the same level

But for the next semester, something changed in the way the class works

Your professor assigned each student a partner to create something together as a final project.

And what were the chances that you and seungyoun got paired together? 100%, apparently

For a while, Seungyoun still didn’t speak to you, so you continued to ignore him also, too stubborn to be the first one

Three weeks passed, and you still had some time to get the project done, but you both still didn’t interact

Until you got a message one day from one of your friends (Yohan)

“Wow, why is Seungyoun asking me for your phone number ☺️”

And for a moment, you forgot that those two had been friends for a while, but he clearly knew the situation between you two

“Probably because we have a project to do?”

“probably? hm.”

“Just give him my number and be quiet.”

“Don’t think I forgot about you saying you have a crush on this ‘kinda rude guy in my class’ y/n” he replied, which you ignored

And a few minutes later, you get a text from an “unknown” number asking to meet you at the campus library

So you start walking to the library, but suddenly start to feel anxious about meeting with him

He’d never spoken to you before this, so you don’t really know how or what to say either

Once you get there, you scan the tables briefly to see him facing his Mac, messing around with a few things on garage band

You walk over and sit in front of him, hoping he notices

And he does, immediately taking off his headphones and looking back at you

There’s a few moments of silence that gets a bit awkward before he asks you

“So…what do you wanna do?”

You shrug, replying with “I don’t know, what do you wanna do?”

And more silence follows

“Well…we can pick a theme first. Do we want light, dark, theatrical, poppy…” he says

“I’m not sure…we have the option to make it into a song instead of just instrumentals too. I know that you sing, so did you want to do that, or?”

“Only if you want to sing too”

“I’m not that great at singing though…” you say, getting embarrassed at just the thought of the attempts you made in the past

“I think your voice is good” he says, now changing your embarrassment into bashfulness

And then, confusion

“When did you hear me sing?” you asked him

He kinda froze, looking straight at you as the words cranked out of his brain and through his mouth

“Just a few times when I’d go to the production room when you were already in there.”

You just nod, trying not to think any more about it

“Well, I guess we can make it a song then. I don’t mind singing.” He said, changing the subject

“Great, so now we pick a theme”

And the theme you pick is dark

Not necessarily dark as in “scary or sad”, but the tempo or energy isn’t as fast paced as most songs are

You want the song to convey a different feeling to everyone

So slowly, but surely, you both collaborate

He suggested using elements from a project that you did in the previous semester, which surprised you that he remembered it at all, being as he seemed uninterested in your presentations

And you recommended to mix your instrumentals together to lead into the chorus, merging your sounds for a major part

Seungyoun excitedly works on it, smiling back at you as it played out exactly the way you two wanted

You mark that as the first time he genuinely smiled at you, making your heart flutter at how cute he looked when he did

Then you think about how he looks when he’s working, lips pouty and cheeks puffed, being cute once again

And then you decide to stop yourself from crushing on him, when the only things you two had ever talked about was about the project

“now really isn’t the time” you think to yourself, shaking your head to focus on what your next steps in the project were gonna be

You’re a few weeks in now, but you two may have gotten carried away

The song was almost done now that he had the lyrics placed perfectly with the instrumentals (after a lot of changes, of course)

So you recommended taking a little break to catch up/focus on your other classes for a while more, which he agreed on

You suggested this mainly to keep your feelings at bay, upset about how you let your heart overpower your mind

Though you two never spoke in the past, he did pay a lot of attention to you, remembering your past work, bringing you your favorite coffee drink when you two were working because he remembered what you had gotten the last time, and a lot more

But you knew that it was absolutely platonic, and that made you a little sad

Yet, you accepted it and carried on

You thought that Seungyoun would’ve actually accepted the break with the project, but he still asked you to meet with him one night at the cafe

And you wanted to say that you were busy, but you clearly would’ve been lying since you caught up on your homework for astronomy already

You expected to find him there with his MacBook open and headphones on, but instead, he was just at a table, surface bare, typing away on his phone

Your face must’ve shown your major confusion, because when he looked up, he asked if you were okay

Nodding, you sat down, unknowingly tapping your foot out of anxiousness

“Where’s your computer?” You asked him

“I left it in my dorm room. We were taking a break, right?” He asked, just as confused as you were

“Oh…I thought you asked me to meet you here to work on the project…” you answered

He paused for a moment, scratching the back of his neck before smiling at you

“I should have said it in the text, but I was just hungry and thought you would’ve wanted something here too. I doubt you ate today. Yohan mentioned you forget to eat sometimes”

And it was true, you did forget to eat dinner, but you wondered why Yohan talked about you to him

Then you realized that Seungyoun asked you here just on friendly terms, finally settling the internal dispute you had of “are we friends or just co-workers?”

So you both ordered, and he payed

And you talked about things other than music, like how you both met Yohan at the most inconvenient but perfect moments, the pets you’ve had, and the infamous “is water wet” question

The conversations lasted for a good hour before you realized that you two were the only ones left and that they’d close the cafe soon

Not wanting to be nuisances, you both left before they closed and just walked back to the dormitories

You didn’t have much else to say until he broke the silence one again

“I’m glad we got paired together. If we didn’t, I’d think you’d still hate me” he said with a sad laugh

You turned to him in shock, immediately saying

“I never hated you! I thought you hated me up until maybe two weeks ago?”

“Two weeks ago? Why?”

“You never reacted to my presentations”

“Neither did you!”

“You also never talked to me in any of the classes we had together”

“Yeah, because you never talked to me”

“Wow…we’re the worst at communicating, huh”

He just laughed at the situation

“I was too scared to react to your compositions. I felt like if I gave any comment or critique, then you’d ruin my life when I presented” he told you

“Are you kidding me? Do you really think that your songs weren’t good? I always dreaded presenting after you because I knew you’d have something amazing. Everyone in the class loved what you made, you know that?” You said, projecting your feelings towards him and his music into “everyone”.

He smiled bigger this time, thanking you quietly for saying so

“Well, knowing that you don’t actually never hated me makes me feel even better than knowing the rest of the class likes my work” he said

Now you were at a loss for words, smiling back at him to maybe fill in the silence with a happy gesture

Days pass by and you get texts here and there from Seugyoun that range from

“Do you think you can help me study for *insert subject here*?”

To

“I really think that giving the ducks on campus bread to eat isn’t good for them”

And you end up being with him a lot, even if it’s unintentional

It got to the point where Yohan made a group chat with the two of you and named it “traitors” since you often forget to ask him to hang out with you both

“Yohan, you’re in class right now”

“Okay, but I could’ve skipped to go and have lunch with you both”

Your relationship with Seungyoun grew really strong super fast, and you’ve somehow managed to keep down the feelings you were having for him before

You thought that being his friend was more that perfect at the moment

Even at the points where you were both stressed, he managed to boost both of your spirits that made you wonder why you were stressed in the first place

Until one incident happened

Once you two started working on the project again, everything had gone smoothly

He recorded his voice, and you edited it in with the background music.

You asked him to listen back on it, hoping he’d catch any editing mistakes you may have made

Seungyoun listened, nodding his head as he smiled at the distortions you added for a new effect.

“I really don’t have to fix anything. You did great, as always” he said, pausing the track to talk to you

Just as you were about to reply, the lights dimmed a bit in the studio.

And the systems shut down.

Seungyoun just stared at the dead screen, waiting for it to boot up, but you could tell that he was irritated

Once it fully turned back on, he immediately went to check on the file

Which wasn’t there

And so he stares blankly at the screen again, a million things going through his mind about what just happened

“I…don’t think the file saved, y/n, I’m sorry” he said sadly, clicking on different folders to see if it was maybe saved somewhere else

“What? No, it’s fine! I saved it on my drive before you put yours in, remember?” You told him as you pulled it out of your pocket

The look of relief on his face as he stood up and hugged made you laugh, glad that you thought ahead before a disaster hit

“God…why are you so great?” He asked, finally letting go of you

You just shrugged and smiled, going to put the drive back in to listen to the song again, but before you could, heard him say

“I could really kiss you right now”

And you try not to think about what he had said, but it’s obviously hard not to when the statement was as bold as it was

You just assumed that he was joking with you, because, well, he just does that sometimes

So you turned back answered with a laugh

“Yeah. The same to you”

And deep down inside, you meant that, no matter how hard you tried to ignore the scratching sensation of your true emotions dying to burst out of your heart

You thought that it would eventually go away, until you felt his hand resting on your cheek, and then his warm lips on yours

Now this was the time your own mind went blank, trying to process what was happening

And when you finally did, you didn’t waste a second to kiss back

When you broke apart, you tried evening out your breath to ask him

“If I didn’t say I wanted to kiss you too, what would you have done?”

“I would’ve asked if I could. And then you’d say yes, and I’d kiss you” he said with a serious look on his face before cracking out a laugh

And you pushed him slightly for that

“How would you have known I’d say yes?”

“I mean, when you tell people like Yohan a secret, it never stays a secret, you know?”

You just raise an eyebrow at him before realizing what he meant

“So you knew I had a crush on you this whole time? And never said or did anything about it?”

“I had to be sure! It was a while ago that he told me, I didn’t know if you were already with someone else”

“I think you would’ve know. We literally saw each other everywhere, remember?”

He just nodded and smiled

“Well. We could make up for that time now if you wanted to…date? Maybe?”

“Of course, Seungyoun”

“Woah, really?” He said, his smile a thousand times bigger now

“Yes! Did you think I’d say no?”

“I honestly didn’t think this far in” he told you, making you laugh this time

You thought for a moment before telling him

“Let’s not tell Yohan about this yet, unless you’re ready for him expecting us to thank him for ‘setting us up’”

“True. Even though he kinda did…”

“Yeah, but he’s still just getting over the fact that we became friends and forgot to invite him with us places”

“…Right. He can wait a bit”

[dreadnought-dear-captain]

You Asked, I Told

(Note, if this post shows up twice or massively delayed or just looks weird, it’s because it was flagged for adult content [??!] because I had a picture of Willem Dafoe’s face in a gif. I am not even kidding. Do with that information what you will. I’ve removed it and I still don’t know if/when this can be publicly viewed, I’m kind of lolling. So if you see a blocked out photo that looks like porn in your post, I swear it’s just a gif from The Lighthouse!)

Hello, amazing people. This weekend, I’m putting the final touches on my last draft of Baghdad Waltz Chapter 39, which will then go to the beta for one more round of edits. I imagine I will have the chapter posted in 1-3 weeks, which is close to record speed for me, especially since it’s around 30k words. I’m going to be talking about my writing process (at unfortunate length) for one of the asks, for those who are interested. 

Please forgive me. I’m feeling quite verbose and a little squirrely. I blame living alone during lockdown. 

It’s also Memorial Day weekend in the States, which is when we are meant to honor those who gave their lives in military service to this country. This is often confused with Veterans Day (November 11), which is honoring anyone who has served in the military and is no longer serving. This gets further confused with Armed Forces Day (rotating date, May) which is to honor those currently serving in the military. I know, super confusing. 

There’s a wide range of opinions on how Memorial Day should be commemorated, which often involves gathering with friends and family for a barbecue or some other social activity. It’s the first major holiday after a huge holiday drought throughout the late winter and spring, which often makes people look forward to it immensely. Some people feel it’s inappropriate to celebrate Memorial Day with barbecues and fond social gatherings because it’s dishonoring the memories of those who can’t be here, people don’t take time to remember those who have died, people have no idea what the day is actually for, etc. Others, even some very vocal veterans, maintain that people died so that we could be here to celebrate in freedom, so why not relish this life we have? Many offer the caveat that it’s appropriate to at least acknowledge the purpose of the day, even if it’s just in a few minutes of quiet reflection. 

Anyway, I offer this as a little food for thought for this upcoming long weekend. 

(And in case you missed it, I posted a BW Timeline for your reference.) 

Contains spoilers through Chapter 38.

[Takes deep breath]

I’m so glad that you are enjoying the read and that you’re finding it inspiring for your own work. I think my dedication to research for BW is threefold. 1) As this story evolved, I decided that I wanted to create the most realistic depictions of military, civilian, emotional, and physical life that I reasonably could. I will fully admit to lapses in this, deliberate and unintentional, because sometimes the plot just needs to go and I can’t wait around for a year-long medical discharge process for my character. 2) I’m in an academically stringent occupation, and because research is such a prominent part of my work life, it’s bled to my hobby. (IS THIS EVEN A HOBBY ANYMORE?) And 3) I get very easily and passionately obsessed with things and delight in getting “into the weeds” with a subject. Almost every research divergence usually takes me off track for at least an hour. And you will never catch me without an MTA subway map open in at least one tab.

But that wasn’t even your question! Sorry. Are you beginning to get a sense of why BW takes me so long to write?? I cannot keep my shit on track. As for the bibliography, YES! I plan to include that in my author’s note at the end. I wish I had kept better track of all of my works consulted over the past three years, but I will definitely discuss the importance of some of the main ones. I’m so thrilled that you are interested, and I’m excited to share them!

Thank you. This is such a kind thing to say, and I’m humbled and delighted to hear it, especially because our fandom is so blessed with some AMAZING fics. And asks certainly don’t have to be questions! I appreciate them all (except the flaming bag of dog shit ones, which I haven’t had in a while, hooray).

(Re: Chapter 37) Good question! I imagine Claire would want to keep the 1:1 conversation somewhat limited, as she is treating the couple as a patient rather than them as individuals. If anything, she might have somewhat superficially checked in to see if he was okay rather than dive into anything regarding the relationship with Bucky not around. That could be seen as a betrayal of trust to Bucky and could be interpreted as favoritism, which Steve craves and which Bucky is probably terrified about.

I am always pleased when people re-read and enjoy it or get new things out of it, even if it’s sometimes a re-read is a function of my slow-ass writing. I really want a story with good re-read value.

You make an excellent point about Bucky’s relationships. His friendship with Jack also had no real closure. Sometimes this is a factor of circumstance and sometimes it’s because of his avoidance, like a self-fulfilling prophesy almost. He’s learned that people betray you, either by hurting you or dying, so he creates conditions sometimes (often unwittingly) for things to go sour and end poorly, or he will simply make himself disappear so that he’s not hurt and doesn’t have to wait to see if he will be abandoned or betrayed. He’s not a guy who is good with goodbyes.

As for Thor, I totally see how it would read that way. I think Thor started out fishing for longer-term possibilities in a romantic relationship but then realized Bucky is really not a guy who is comfortable settling (which, as we can see, is true). As for why it seems more serious, one thing is that Thor still wanted Bucky in his life as a friend, possibly one with benefits. They have a lot in common, and it’s hard for veterans - and, more specifically, special operators - to find people in their lives they can relate to with these very intense life experiences. I wanted this to be a real relationship, but maybe not necessarily one that was bound to become a RELATIONSHIP. I think Bucky was very intriguing and attractive to him, and he very well may have struggled with his own vacillation between whether to take it seriously or whether to remain friends+. This can lead to mixed messages.

And we also have to remember Bucky’s notoriously unreliable narration, where he will see what he wants to see. Our perspective comes from him. We see the details he zooms in on, miss the one he ignores, view the relationship through the lens of his own contentious desire for a real relationship, even as he consistently demonstrates the lack of capacity and his fear about getting serious. I imagine Bucky has having an extremely poor ability to distinguish friendship from romance, and why wouldn’t he, given the most recent bit of history we have learned about him with Jack? He’s had a series of friendships become sexualized, and I think this affects his capacity to be discerning. Bucky’s radar for relating, whether friendships, romance, or potentially dangerous sexual situations, is terribly mis-calibrated. How confusing for him and for the people in his life. Of course, everyone is free to interpret the dynamics of any relationship however they choose. These are just some of my thoughts.

I really appreciate observations from the re-read! Thank you!

I watched the video and you are right! This is definitely a Bucky song. Bucky’s sense of self is by turns profoundly distorted and lacking in grounding, especially now that he’s not in the military. He’s been in a low key existential crisis since he was a kid and has turned to drinking and sex and war to fill this horrible void, and although I can’t speak for what the artists here intended, I certainly sensed those elements here for sure. (Also, what an interesting choice for a music video…)

Thank you for sharing! I’ll add it to the unofficial BW playlist in the author’s note, which consists of various songs people have associated with BW and shared with me.

Good question! I started off this story picturing the actors who represent the characters in the MCU, because I figured we’d be picturing that when we read the fic anyway (though my beta told me she doesn’t see them as the actors, more like artists’ renderings of the characters, which I find interesting). So when describing their physicality, I tend to refer back to the MCU, since this is technically an MCU AU. But the longer I go with the story, the murkier the resemblance feels to me, especially when I think about Bucky, IDK why. I have also been considering doing something more with BW after I finish it (i.e., converting it into a proper not-bajillion-word novel, sunk cost and whatnot), in which case I would definitely change the characters’ appearance, names, cut MCU Easter eggs, etc. So when I try to think of who these people might be in future iterations of the story, things get even more blurred in my mind when I imagine them.

I wonder how other people see them??

So, with regards to PTSD clinical teams, there is some variation across VAs in the system. Some focus more on military-related trauma, whether it’s war, military sexual trauma, accidents, etc. as a way of concentrating their services and managing supply and demand. From talking with providers in these kinds of systems, sometimes you just NEED a military-related trauma, but you can be treated for, say, a childhood trauma if it’s more pressing. Other VAs are very open in their criteria, and you can see them for pretty much any kind of trauma that qualifies diagnostically for PTSD (or sub-threshold PTSD) without question. That’s why I love the expression “If you’ve been to one VA, you’ve been to one VA.” That said, it kind of doesn’t matter what kind of PTSD clinical team is at the VA in Manhattan, because Bucky has so much military trauma that he would very likely qualify to receive services in any PTSD clinical team. They just might focus on childhood stuff (if Bucky actually let them, which is another matter entirely).

This is a great question! Thanks for asking.

I love a snarky asshole Bucky so much, and I’ve tried to temper this version of him with enough hard-earned genuineness to offset it a little bit. It’s such a tender balance with him, because if you back him too far into a corner, he’s going to let you have it. But if you give him too much space, it’s hard to pin him down and wring something honest from him. He’s definitely learned to use humor and sarcasm to deflect from painful or uncomfortable situations, and it’s a very adaptive short-term strategy that makes him both endearing and infuriating to others.

But ugh, yeah, shit gets so rough around Chapter 28/29. I don’t know how to feel when people have really strong emotional reactions to this story, because one part of me doesn’t want to contribute to the crappy feelings people may already be struggling with — especially in the times of COVID — but I don’t want to be afraid to dive into the hurt these characters are experiencing. That’s why I recommend checking in with oneself before reading to get a sense of how much emotional bandwidth is available to manage the immense problems of two people struggling so much. I also think that for some people it can be cathartic or otherwise not-bad maybe (?), based on the feedback I’ve received. I also really try hard to balance out the painful stuff with growth, even though it can be terribly difficult to locate sometimes.

In comments to folks, and here, I often talk about adjusting the ticks on your measuring stick for progress, where instead of leaps of progress over feet/meters, we may be observing things on an inch/mm scale. This story is my most sincere effort at a “recovery is not linear” narrative, which I think is so much more reflective of real life for a lot of folks than a straight upward trajectory. Humans are such creatures of habit, and the lessons these characters have learned through their lives about themselves, trust, relationships, and how to manage emotions are very deeply ingrained — often through traumatic means. These are the lessons learned the hardest, with the greatest perceived consequences for change, and it takes real courage for us to be able to try new things even once, let alone to establish a reliable pattern of behavior. This can lead to a lot of frustration for us as readers/writer, and I come from a place of this being okay, because we are encountering a parallel process with the characters, who are frustrated with each other and themselves about the same things. I do hope the pain/progress/joy ratios are not horribly out of whack most of the time. That’s another reason I like long chapters, because if this was just blips of sometimes terrible episodes in shorter form, I think it would be very challenging to not lose hope entirely.

But I’m so glad you’re finding the read meaningful, even if it’s sometimes painful and difficult.

(YES.)

And FINALLY -- (this is all soooo long, I’m so sorry.)

Oh, thank you for this question! My spreadsheet ended up getting too difficult to manage, and I actually had a small crisis six months ago about how the fic was going to end, because it just didn’t feel right. I had to scrap it and go back to the drawing board and really ask myself - what would these characters really do? Naturally, as a factor of their psychologies and circumstances, how will they bring this story to an end? Some advice I once heard about a “satisfying” ending is that it’s the place where there’s simply nothing more to say about the characters. There’s no more story to tell. I had to abandon all of my desires  and ideas for a particular ending or concerns about making people sad or happy or excited or disappointed. I know that the only ending that will be satisfying is one that makes sense for these people. Anything contrived or backward-engineer-y wouldn’t feel right to anyone. I do have a couple of specific character arc things I want to happen, so I set those down as touchstones and said, okay, what would happen next? What would Steve do with this? And what would Bucky do with this? And what would they do with the thing the other person did? I take a very psychology and prior-behavior-based approach to plotting, almost all character driven. The rest is just figuring out what is supposed to go where and how to organize it.

I’ve converted everything to a Google Doc and have a very basic outline where I write plotty-plot stuff. I also have a “garbage dump” doc where I write certain lines I want to use or certain details I want to include somewhere. When I get into a new chapter, I’ll check the dump doc as I outline and write to see if I want to pluck anything from there. I have my outline open regularly to add to it. Sometimes I write scenes out of order, dialogue first, but that’s only if I really am excited about a particular scene and cannot contain myself. Otherwise, I write completely chronologically and have no buffer. I post things as soon as I write them.

As for your specific questions, I do have a “process” for getting into my characters’ heads. It helps to know them so very well and to have a firm sense of their idiosyncrasies and patterns of behavior. As you may have noticed, they repeat their patterns all. the. time, as humans do, but I also want to have them change their behaviors a little as things go and they progress. So I may wonder what they could do a little differently, why they would WANT to behave differently, and imagine what they would need to do to change their behavior. Do they need to take breaths? Do they remember the last time some shit went down? I really try to think of the “how” and “why” of every single action - from big blowouts to eye rolls.

So once I’ve figured out what they are going to do, I try to pinpoint the associated emotions I want to highlight. This is a whole separate process, because I have to think also about their internal versus their external emotional states. Steve, for example, will often have a discrepant inside and outside, because one of the truths about his character is that he is a chronic suppressor. There is also the issue of unreliable narration and interpretation of behavior. Steve might do something in a scene, but that doesn’t mean Bucky is going to interpret it the way it was intended. I have to think about their individual filters, which often reflect their internal beliefs about themselves. Bucky is more likely to read Steve’s actions as reflections of how BUCKY feels about HIMSELF (e.g., he’s disgusted by me because I’m disgusting) rather than imagine what Steve is really thinking based on his own experiences and beliefs about Bucky. I also attempt to convey some of the more second and third layer emotions that people have in situations, rather than only highlighting the primary emotion. Sad things don’t always just make people sad. Powerful emotions, for example, might make Steve feel out of control of himself, which could generate secondary emotions for him like frustration because he’s losing control. Part of the process in the construction of the narrative is also scrubbing what I’ve written for POV, because Bucky’s word choices aren’t the same as Steve’s, and in order to try to preserve the “voice” of each character, I often have to change the words I’ve opted to use, as well as the syntax.

So, as you can see, there’s a lot of layering that is happening all the time. As for the dialogue, I have no compunction about saying the lines aloud, “acting” them to see how they sound, to get a sense of what tone I want them to say things in. Now that I think of it, I do a bit of movement-based stuff, thinking about how people sit and stand, figuring how many steps it takes to get from A-Z, what it would look like to lean against something, how it would feel on the body, etc. I try to get the most felt sense of things as I can. If I’m imagining a scene, I try to put myself in the shoes of the characters to the point where I feel the emotions, just so I can know how it reflects in my body and my mind and behavior. I have more than once gotten drunk and drunk-written drunk Bucky then gone to clean it up later, as drunk writing can generate some great content I never would have been able to come up with sober, but the form, grammar, spelling, etc. is often rubbish. I also talk a LOT to my beta about all of this stuff, and I have certain friends and acquaintances in the fandom who are my consultants for various things.

So, I’m somewhat method I guess?? Is that a thing?? I dunno. It’s not hard to do when you live and breathe a story. It’s required a deep level of interest in - quite possibly an obsession with - the characters and their lives. I adore my characters, not in a self-congratulatory way, but because they feel so real to me. So it’s a joy to plan and write -- though I do hate first drafts with a passion.

OH - I also sometimes fast-draft chapters, which I did for 39. That is, write as FAST AS YOU CAN with no regard for how shitty the writing is. I wrote 10k words in a week, which was a finished fast-draft for me, and thus I had a very good felt sense of what was going to happen in the chapter, which felt amazing. It requires intensive outlining before, and nearly every word had to be rewritten, but one of the greatest frustrations of a story for me is having blank space ahead. Re-writing is way more fun than first draft writing. I have fluffed it up twofold with higher quality content, which I did all in less than two months…!! 

-------------------------

Well, this is surely my most unnecessarily yammering YAIT in history. But I hope it at least conveys my enthusiasm for these wonderful asks! It’s so lovely to hear from all of you, even if I take an eon to get back to you. Hang in there, everyone!

@grimshady @hutchhitched​ @b0n3l3ssm1lk​ 

(And thank you to @bae-buckyaboveeverything​ for the shout out. You made my day<3)

[skeletorific]

DUUUUUUUDE I'd love to see your classpects for the boys, n compare them to my own personal hc!! I love godtier stuff, and imagining them in bright silly outfits is just👌

This was so fucking PEACEFUL to work on it was a delight to do so let’s do this. I’m doing extended zodiac signs too because i CAN. Also, putting this under a cut cause it got LONG

CLASSPECTING THE SKELEBROS

UT!Sans: True sign is Scormino, Sign of the Fatalist

So, a point by point breakdown

-Cerulean: something that immediately woke me up to Sans as a Cerulean was the idea of a “mask for every occasion”. Sans is not one thing to all people. He flips between personas, adjusting it a little for each encounter. This isn’t because he’s manipulative per se, but because he genuinely thinks it’ll just make things easier for everyone

-Prospit: Prospit repression yo. Not to mention he’s more go with the flow than he is “fuck the system”.

-Doom: Rather than explain this connection, I’m just gonna paste the description for Doombound, since its practically a textbook description of Sans himself

Those bound to the aspect of Doom are fate’s chosen sufferers. It may not sound like an overly pleasant aspect to be aligned with, but it does come along with great wisdom and empathy. The Doom-bound understand that misery loves company, and they are ready and willing to provide said company. The Doom-bound won’t fix you; they aren’t healers. They are commiserators, aware that sometimes the only thing you can do for a person is let them know that they are not alone in their suffering. They are not the advice friend-they’re the friend you go to when you need to vent about a rough day at work. They are not necessarily noble martyrs, either-the Doom-bound can become quite irate about their lot. At their best they are wise, kind, and non-judgemental. At their worst, bitter, resentful, and fatalistic.

This is a summary of Genocide route Sans so succinct it could’ve been written about him intentionally. I did consider time for him, but ultimately Time is an aspect defined by a struggle. Sans does not struggle against the oncoming fate. He buys it a drink and hopes it leaves as little damage as possible in its wake.

As far as class goes, I classpect him as a Mage of Doom. One who understands or understands through their aspect, and no one understands the coming storm quite like Sans does. Mages are also traditionally understood as suffering as a result of their knowledge of their aspect whether too much or too little. In a sense, Sans’ relationship with the Anomaly encompasses both.

UT!Papyrus: True sign is Aquius, sign of the Whimsical

-Violet: Violet signs are noted for their eccentricity and individuality. I have a harder time coming up with two adjectives more fitting than that for Papyrus. Additionally, they have a reputation for craving social interaction to the point of being clingy, which is also extremely fitting

-Prospit. Not much to add to this one beyond going with the flow and an aversion to going off the beaten path.

-Breath:The aspect of freedom, confidence, imagination, and fun. Something notable about Breath players is that they’re at their best when they let loose and be themselves. Papyrus can’t really be who he wants to be when he’s trying to play a role, of guard captain or human hunter. When he’s being authentic Papyrus though, he’s capable of inspiring hearts and minds.

I classpect Papyrus as a Sylph of Breath. Papyrus does both literal and metaphorical healing. If you get knocked out during your fight with him, he carries you back to his shed and nurses you back to health. Additionally, Papyrus reminds people that they are free to chase their dreams and their own potential. He tries to make the Player recall their better intentions. He pumps up Alphys, restoring her confidence that she’s lost over the years. He heals the relationship between the player and Undyne in order to liberate Undyne to be her more authentic self: a woman who just wants to help her people. Additionally, he is a key facet in liberating the Underground, restoring the sky to people who have been denied it for so long. 

UF!Sans: True sign is Tauriborn, sign of the Covetous

-Bronze: Bronze just has that earthy quality I eat with a SPOON for Red. Additionally, they navigate that space between a genuine desire for stability and a tendency to stubbornly commit even when it hurts you. Additionally, there’s a hedonism associated with Bronze signs that feels very fitting.

-Derse: restless skepticism, a tendency to mistrust, and rebellion in the blood? Sounds like a skeleton who’s been living rent free in my head for long enough.

-Rage: There’s of course a very literal level to this. Red’s one of the angrier of the skelebros. Additionally, though, there’s a resentment of lies and false civilities. Red hates liars, hates convenient likes. He tends to play his own cards close to the chest, but resents it in other people. Additionally, there’s a burn it all down impulse that’s very present in him that resonates with this aspect.

I classpect Red as an Heir of Rage. I tend to understand Heir as one who is surrounded by their aspect, or surrounds other with their aspect. Red surrounds himself in a field of rage, and those who are the target of his wrath are too. Additionally, though, he inherits the positive aspects of wrath, the bullshit detector and the impulse towards seeking out the truth. Additionally heirs tend not to take a very intellectual approach to their aspect, because they don’t have to. They embody it unconsciously. 

UF!Papyrus: I kind of went over this but for the sake of coherency: True sign is Saginius

-Indigos: in addition to having a rep for being the bastions of order, indigos tend to devote themselves entirely to their interest. They can be sociable, but have a tendency to not really consider other people’s emotions, leading to a lot of unintentional hurts. Edge has a cold abrasive personality at many points, but it’s rare that he intends to hurt the people closest to him. It just sort of happens to him.

-Prospit: Again, Edge doesn’t rebel. He works with the society cards he’s been dealt. His prospit associations are where he’s closest to his Tale self.

-Hope: Hope is the aspect, not just of optimism, but of order. Hope players have a very black and white approach to the world, and dedication to ideals that they see as higher than themselves. Both of these are to me very Edge qualities, even if he’s not the most sunshiney person. He has things he believes in strongly, and he doesn’t wave.

I classpect Edge as a Knight of Hope. He defends his aspect, defending his ideals and the things he chooses to dedicate himself, and defends with his aspect, using his internal compass as a bastion against doubt and misgivings. Additionally, Edge has an inherent lean towards protecting and working for others, even if at his most unhealthy point his ego can make him bossy.

US!Sans: Blue’s true sign is Arcer, sign of the Officer

-Burgundy: Rust signs tend to be characterized by an unbending determination. Its not that they’re immune to the bad things in the world, its simply that they tend to roll with the punches and try to make things work regardless. Blue is quick to trust and overly excitable, but a loyal friend and an imaginative companion. All of these are Rust characteristics.

-Prospit: Again, unwavering optimism and a loyal temperament.

-Blood: Blood is the aspect of relationships and mutual support. Blue is an extremely social creature, prone to doing his best work via inspiration. He invests strongly in the people around him, and has a hard time giving up on others. Blood can also be the aspect of sinking ships. They tend to latch on to things and people other’s might consider to be “lost causes” and stubbornly refuse to leave them behind. I tend to characterize Blue with a low level of anxiety, constantly afraid that the people around him are going to leave him behind if he’s not good enough. Peak Blood player. 

I classpect Blue as a Page of Blood. Like I said, Blue’s “Sans” tendencies come out in his interactions with others. Like most pages, he has a very shakey grasp of his aspect. He genuinely has the ability to make people feel cared for and comfortable. He even has great potential to inspire others to do better. However, he’s still in the process of learning how to command his aspect effectively, sometimes vacillating between overloading people with interaction and at other times barely confiding his emotions in even the people he should be close with. As this potential unlocks, though, there’s no ceiling to all he might achieve.

US!Papyrus: Stretch’s true sign is Gemza, sign of the Shrewd

-Gold: Gold signs command intellectual prowess, quick wit, and reserved tendencies in a way Stretch has done his entire life. Something notable about goldbloods is they have a tendency to refuse to live up to their full potential. They find their niche and carve out their mark within it while letting the rest of their life functionally fade to the background as “unimportant”. Stretch is adept and knowledgeable in his areas of interest and finds it hard to give a shit about the rest. Despite this, he still hangs on to the goldblood’s usually innate likeability, albeit without much emotional vulnerability. 

-Derse: While Stretch isn’t exactly a rebel, Derse has an association with skepticism and a desire for rationality that inherently resonates with him. One thing that also stood out to me is a tendency to develop a very self-effacing sense of humor as a cover, which is a VERY Stretch quality. He doesn’t quite have the repression for Prospit, nor will he let himself be put into boxes that don’t suit him.

-Mind: Mind players (and Stretch) are defined by a certain sense of fluidity. They don’t really feel compelled to develop a strong sense of self, preferring instead to react organically to how they think is best and most logical to the moment. Stretch is a creative and quick thinker, which combines with a very nasty FOMO and an aversion to simplicity. Absolute Mind Player Core.

His classpect is tricky, but I feel Witch of Mind is the most fitting for him. Witches are often characterized by having a more lackadaisical relationship with their aspect. They understand it intimately enough to know how to break it when it suits them. In addition to reason and choice, Mind is also the aspect of systems and rules (think Terezi’s justice core). Stretch is a quick study about systems, but doesn’t necessarily adhere himself to them. Whether its a game he’s playing, a puzzle he’s solving, or a person he’s interacting with, sometimes the best thing in the world is to dig in and study until you find the point that breaks the whole thing open.

SF!Sans: Black’s true sign is Cancen, sign of the Translucent

-Lime: Lime signs tends to be characterized by forceful and intense personalities, with intense emotions and a tendency to fixate on improvement. They can often be effective at inspiring people to follow their lead, but have difficult personalities to work with. All of this is extremely Black, with the proviso that I tend to characterize him as often needing to repress those intense emotions. He leans hard into his own anger, but often covers up his other extremes for the sake of their own safety. 

-Derse: while Black has learned to cooperate with the world around him, he’s never not going to be looking for ways to get around it. He’s often sardonic, and is usually extremely slow to trust those around him. He may put on a front of being the Queen’s man through and through, but there’s a lot of Irons in the fire that he doesn’t feel the need to make public.

-Heart: As I said, I tend to characterize Black as struggling against strong emotions that even he barely understands. He has a very distinct and strong personality, as well as intensive emotions. In moments of stress, he’s prone to intense self-reflection. Where did he go wrong, where can he improve. Additionally Heart players have an association with identity constructing, frequently diffusing their personality into a variety of splinter selves in a form of elaborate “roleplaying”, which to me clicks nicely with Black’s bossy and aggro Royal Guard posturing. 

Its because of this struggle against his own aspect that I classpect Black as a Rogue of Heart. Rogues often struggle to cope with their aspect, and may even begin to crave the opposite. Black at his core craves the rational thought and pure justice of the Mind aspect. However, the more they embrace their aspect, especially in service to others (being a passive class), the healthier they often end up being. If you’ve read my “Tyrant” fic, Black steals his and Rus’s performance of self to allow them the freedom to act and pass unnoticed by the guard. He represses his own emotions to give space to other people’s, and at his best can redistribute his own assurance with his purposes to the people around him, making him potentially an inspiring presence.

SF!Papyrus: Rus’ true sign is Capries, sign of the Bold

-Purple: purples have a tendency to dedicate themselves to causes or people they care about and work until they are either stopped or made incapable or working more, much as Rus works for his brother’s well-being. Additional points of resonance were a macabre sense of humor, a tendency to withdraw when upset, a sense of fatalism, and a tendency to dig in his heels even if its against his own best interest. Plus….Clown Rus sexy what can I say.

-Derse: like his brother, Rus is inherently skeptical of easy outs. Like many Derse dreamers, he’s a problem solver, even if it comes at great personal cost. Rus’s Derseness is also exemplified in his tendency to develop strong bonds of loyalty to other people….without ever really allowing himself to be vulnerable with those people. He has the perspective that his emotions don’t truly matter.

-Time: Honestly kind of surprised it took me this long to make one of the Lazybones a time player, but I think making Rus it was the right choice. Time players are often defined by a sense of struggle. Time players are seemingly incapable of taking things lying down. Even if they won’t fight for themselves (and Rus rarely ever will) they often have an internal moral code that makes them unable to be a bystander. Rus is lazy, he’s a fatalist, he has a hard time taking care of himself. But he’s unable to stop himself from acting, especially when it involves someone he cares about. Additionally, Rus has associations with death in his judge role, which he takes extremely seriously.

I debated making Rus another knight, but ultimately I feel Seer of Time fits him better. All the Sans derivatives are prone to a sort of restless curiosity about the world around them, and in Homestuck terms I see that as a desire to in some way sync up with their aspects. A Seer is one who invites understanding. Rus seeks to reckon with both the cycle of life and death and the wide variety of timestreams that are causing havoc in his world. Unlike the mage, he has a hard time accepting what he understands: Seers are in many cases notorious for resenting the idea of someone else controlling them. Still, he’s practically unable to stop himself from exploring further, continuing to pick and pick at the scab of his reality no matter how much it hurts.

[goldenhour-goldenboy]

A-Z Fluff Alphabet (William Miller)

A = Attractive (What do they find attractive about the other?)

Anything from the waist down, basically. Though the exact part of your body may vary from day to day Will’s defiantly someone who loves legs and thighs and, well, butts. He loves to drag his knuckles over the inside of your thighs deliciously slowly, watching as you start to get goosebumps from the soft sensation and how you unfold in front if him with such a simple touch. He loves to grip your butt with firm hands, fingers digging in so hard you’re forced to let out a gasp, while his hip thrusts into you mercilessly. He loves when curl up in his lap and he gets to wrap his arms around you, one hand resting on your shin where his thumb absentmindedly rubs circles on your skin. 

x 

B = Baby (Do they want a family? Why/ Why not?)

William Miller doesn’t have a clear answer for that question. For him, it’s not that easy. There’s one part of him that undeniably wants to have children, that wants to have the family life he and his brother grew up with, wants to have the house filled with the thump of little feet running around and laughter in the air, cuddles in bed and breakfast with the bunch on Sundays. In a way it’s even harder because he grew up like that, in a loving and protected home.  Then there’s doubt. The thing’s he’s seen, the burden of not being able to forget what he’s done, the undeniable fact that he, truly, murdered and killed. And then Will doesn’t want to be a father, how can he put children in a world that’s so unsafe? How can he be the one to decide to create another life on earth when he can’t promise that everything’s going to be alright. The sad truth is, Will can’t run from his demons and his brain kicks into overdrive every time he starts to think about children - it’s a battle between the heart and the mind that won’t be settled for a long time. 

C = Cuddle (How do they cuddle?)

There’s really no point in denying the fact that Will is, at least physically, build for cuddling - big arms providing the perfect combination between muscle and softness when they wrap themselves around you, a warm chest where there’s just so much space of him to place your head on, broad shoulders that give you true sense of comfort and protection. There’s really, a lot, to cuddle when it comes to Will and that might actually the worst part of it all, since Will radiates body heat like a small sun. Cuddling with Will is nice, everyone who’s ever tried it would agree, but it usually doesn’t last long. At least not the full body contact cuddling. There’s always parts of you touching, fingers drawing small patterns on each other’s skin but you can only lay engulfed with each other for so long until one of you has to break it up for the sake of both of you before you end up in a puddle of sweat. Naturally, Winter’s pushed to the top of the list when it comes to favorite seasons and Summer’s been resting on the last place ever since you moved in together. 

x x 

D = Dates (What are dates with them like?)

It’s no secret that Will likes to be prepared and dates are no exception to that. Wether he gets to take you on an adventure for a whole day or you two just decide to go to a nice restaurant for dinner, he likes to prep beforehand. He makes sure you’re favorite clothes are washed and ironed, that the car is clean and the tank is full. There’s usually an element of surprised involved, something small like buying your favorite fruit and stashing it in the fridge because he knows you often skip desert ‘cause your belly is already filled with too much food but once you get home you do crave something to nibble. And though William likes to plan big time, dates with him aren’t that fancy. He likes to enjoy the peace and quiet with you, rather have you on the back of his bike and on the way to a cabin than standing in line to get to that one new rooftop bar everyone seems gushing about. 

E = Everything (You are my ___ (e.g my life, my world…))

You are my comfort zone.

There’s something about you that calms Will down. Some people say they feel giddy and high whenever they’re partner is around and of course Will is happier when he has his arm around your waist but the wave of absolute content and clarity that washes over him in those moments are overpowering every other feeling. With you around he seems to breath a little lighter, gets to be a little more himself with other people around and at the same time you keep him grounded when he feels alone and trapped in his mind. William gets to truly express himself with you and that’s one of the reasons he loves and admires you so much.

F = Feelings (When did they know they were falling in love?)

Wills’s a guarded mess when you first meet him. He’s all walls and far away eyes, tight lips and broad stance. Like every person Will meets in his life he’s careful, especially after breaking off his engagement only a few months ago. There isn’t much you two talk about first, conversations don’t seem to come easy to Will and for some reason they’re even worse to hold with you. It takes more than a few nights where Will’s mumbling most of his answers into his beer, jaw set so tightly you wonder if he even wants to be here, with you. Opening up, you realize at some point, takes a while for Will but once you realize that this is progress, this is him working and trying his best, you ease up as well - and practically slip your way into his heart by accident. The first time William realizes that this means something to him is when you walk into the bar you’re supposed to meet with him, eyes scanning the crowd for the familiar faces of him and the rest of the crew. It’s the warmth that suddenly flows through Will’s body, an almost calming sensation of knowing you’ll be there, right next to him and the thought that he wants to stay with you, even here in this bar that’s far too loud and far too crowded for his liking. And although Will’s someone who constantly keeps himself and his emotions in check, this one slaps him right across the face - cheeks red and heart beating against his chest so hard, he fears you actually might feel it as you hug him. 

x

G = Gentle (Are they gentle? If so, how?)

Will’s very much aware of his build and strength most times throughout the day. There’s rarely a moment where he forgets how much damage he can do and if so it’s mostly in hilarious situations whenever he tries to fit into a chair or has to duck to walk through a door in a house that he isn’t used to. With you, however, Will never forgets. He will always make sure he doesn’t squish you too tight, always make sure you’re comfortable just as much as he is whenever you two are cuddling together. Don’t be fooled, Will has a rougher side to him and you love to see him taking some dominance in the bedroom but it’s never, never, unintentional - which, if you’re honest, makes it even more attractive.

H = Hand/ Hold (How do they like to hold? How do they like to hold hands?)

William loves to hold hands. At least whenever you are cuddling. He likes the contrast between you and him and although his fingers are surprisingly slender for a man his size, they’re still big enough for him to marvel at the difference every now and again. Out on public you don’t necessarily have to hold hands but you always keep close to each other. It instantly changes whenever you have to get through a crowd though. Will’s hand conveys security then, gripping your’s firmly and his shoulders pushing through the people around you with you pressed close behind. He’ll switch to an arm around you when the crowd thickens and the air starts to get heavy around you, pressing you against his chest tightly as he pushes people apart with much more force now. Maneuvering you two out of a situation like this doesn’t happen on the daily but it has happened before and you’ve always been grateful that Will was by your side then.

x 

I = Impression (First Impressions/s)

Quiet. Broad, almost looming in the background. Though Will doesn’t have a threatening personality, his build is enough for most people to become weary around him. It actually surprises you the first time he opens his mouth, the sentences that come out well thought through and perfectly worded, keeping his voice in a pleasantly low rumble. 

J = Joker (Are they into pranks?)

Not that much to be honest, no. He likes to plot one solid revenge if he’s being tricked by you or Benny but he wouldn’t take it further or let it continue into a whole prank war. However, he’s more than happy to be your partner in crime whenever it comes to you trying to get back at Benny and he’s downright dedicated in mapping out the perfect vengeance against this baby brother. 

K = Kisses (How do they kiss?)

Will kisses with a certain kind of determination. It’s not that his kisses are extremely hard but you’re always left with a tingling sensation on your lips as he pulls away, even if it was just for a quick goodbye kiss. The beard took some time to get used to but now you can’t imagine a kiss without the sensation of it around your mouth, the softness and the smell of the latest products Will used on it. And though Will would never admit it, he makes a small little sound coming deep from the back of his throat whenever you part your lips for the first time in a kiss and allow him to sneak his tongue inside. You’re fairly certain he doesn’t even realize it and although it’s very soft and sometime’s barely audible your ears became very good at picking it up - because it’s your most favorite sound in the world. 

L = Little Things (What little things do they love/ notice.)

Apart from the obvious fact that Will is naturally drawn to numbers, he likes to watch as well, especially you. Often enough you find his gaze lingering on you and sometimes you take the chance to shoot him a playful smile of your own. It’s not that Will’s ogling your body (well, not only) but more that he truly enjoys the view of you - how your hair catches the late afternoon sun, how you twirl around with a little too much energy while you sway to a song playing on radio in the kitchen as you prepare dinner together, how the little hairs on your neck stand up whenever his lips press against that one spot right there underneath your ear. Yes, William Miller’s favorite activity is to watch you. 

M = Memory (Their favorite moment together.)

The first time you visit Will’s place. Seeing that Will is a private person who tends to keep to himself most of the time and is very happy with that, his home is almost a sanctuary for him. It’s a place he feels comfortable and relaxed in and inviting new people over to someplace he holds so dear to his heart is almost a nerve wrecking experience for him. His eyes follow you as you carefully take the first steps down the hall, gaze moving over picture frames and books lined on the wall. There are defiantly reddened cheeks when you turn around, a smile on your face to compliment him about the house. He swears his heart bursts with joy the first time you crouch down to pet Cheddar.

N = Nickel (Do they spoil? Do they buy the person they love everything?)

William is much more of a penny hoarder. It’s not that he doesn’t want to make you happy, but happiness for himself rarely comes from materialistic objects so his first thoughts about presents and special occasion usually don’t involve something fancy and expensive. William likes to spoil you with his time, always trying to arrange his speeches so gets to see you in between, making sure that he gets to take a break after having to fly out. He likes to take the time in the evening to talk whenever you two get ready for bed, bathroom talks becoming very intimate for both of you, not only because he wants to tell you about his day but also because he’s interest what your thoughts and feelings were when he wasn’t around and what you’ve encountered at work. In a way it’s not only time, it’s also attention and William Miller is convinced that it’s one thing you should spoil your partner with in a relationship. 

O = Orange (What color reminds them of their other half?)

Morning light. Will’s usually much earlier awake than you are and depending on the day he either finds you still in bed when the sun starts to seep through your window for the first time today or you’ll pad down to the kitchen, curling up in his lap as he’s already drinking his coffee and reading the news. Either way, Will can’t get enough of you and the quietness that seems to only be present in the mornings in your household, breaths still deep and your eyes not quite awake yet. 

P = Pet names (What pet names do they use?)

Will loves to use pet names. Apart from the usual things like Babe/Baby, his favorite’s Darling. It just rolls of his tongue naturally at this point wether it be in a loving way or meant as a tease. Whenever he feels extremely romantic he might call you Love. 

*Bonus: He might’ve watched a few seasons of Sons of Anarchy and picked up on the habit of calling you his Old Lady, very much to your delight.

Q = Questions (What are the questions they’re always asking?)

Often enough you catch Will looking your way and as the two of you lock eyes there’s almost always a silent question like “Are you alright/Are you okay?” lingering in his gaze. He does it throughout the day as a nonverbal check up. It doesn’t even take long, it’s truly just a very quick conversation between you two through your eyes and in a blink you’re both back to whatever you were doing before.

R = Rainy day (What do they like to do on a rainy day?)

A rainy day is truly the perfect time to get him to stay in the house with you. Normally Will is a pretty outdoorsy person who likes to get his daily dose of fresh air so you find it as a welcome alternative to have him lounging around the house. Depending in your mood (and how many chores you need to take on together) you sometimes like to stay in bed, wrapped up in each others arms and watch a movie, the cat joining you and though Will’s not a fan at first, he’ll tolerate Cheddar because “It’s his rainy day as well.” Other times you chase each other around the house, blasting music and try to dance away the rain with a mop and a bucket full of dirty cleaning water. Whatever it’ll be at the end of the day, one thing’s for sure: Neither you, nor Will, change out of your sweats that day. 

S = Sad (How do they cheer themselves/ each other up.)

A run, a bath and then some journaling. In that order. The bath is reserved for you as well, this is the time where you either listen to whatever Will wants to share with you or just hold him in the hot water, sometimes taking the moment to rub his tense shoulders and press some reassuring kisses underneath his jaw, feeling his beard on your lips move as he unclenches his teeth. It’s not a sexual tension that develops in your bathroom on those days and the kisses more or less serve the purpose of small, whispering reminders that “I am here, you can talk to me, I will listen.” 

x x x

T = Talking (What do they love to talk about?)

There is a lot Will loves to talk about and the most obvious ones are science facts or news that he just read this morning in the newspapers. There’s always a current topic on his mind, wether it be politics or the discovery of a new species in the middle eastern ocean. Will has a broad knowledge of different kinds and so there are days where he comes home and tells you about something you’ve talked about weeks ago and you have already forgotten, if you’re completely honest, but Will just found out some exiting new information on the topic and the glee in his eyes is too adorable for you to interrupt him.

*Bonus: As mentioned before with Benny, both of the Miller brother’s are big on gossip and Will’s a pro when it comes to connecting little pieces of informations and new insight gathered throughout different types of sources (he means friends, really). 

U = Unencumbered (What helps them relax?)

William is a man who likes routine. Whenever he feels as if the world around him becomes too much, and after coming back home this seemed to be a lot more often than before he left, he needed to find himself some exit ways to escape his own mind. Depending on the day, sometimes it’s as simple as grabbing you, a blanket and the cat (though lastly truly can’t be ‘grabbed’ and rather decides on it’s own when to grace you with their presence) and cuddle up on the couch to watch a documentary. It’s often one you’ve seen before but you don’t mind, getting the chance to cuddle up to your beau and feeling the tension slowly leave his body with every minute of the show passing. Other times it’s a bit more challenging, his mind demanding to be distracted in a much more difficult task and Will finds himself in the small shed outside the house, building something or fixing up the bike, whatever he can find that day to keep his hands busy and his focus in front of him instead of getting drawn into the mess of his own thoughts.

V = Vaunt (What do they like to show off? What are they proud of?)

Will’s horrendously proud of your baking skills for some reason? He loves to watch people try your new recipe and then gleefully announce that it was you who made it whenever their faces light up. He’s also deeply impressed by the fact how easily you maneuver yourself through social events, how small talks seems to slip over your lips and how your laughter, even after hours and hours of gathering with in small circles with lukewarm champagne, still feels true and honest.

W = Why (Reasons why they love each other.)

There’s a whole lot of reasons to love William Miller. His mindset is astonishing, his whole work ethic, really, wether it be on his daily exercise or his keeping his mental health in check, is incredible and you can’t help but marvel at the man that decided to work on himself with such strength and willpower - and just keeps on working. One might think that this is must be it, the reason big and impressive enough that you just have to love him. And though you obviously do respect that part of him massively, it’s not your reason. You love William Miller because of his softness. Because he’s a man that saw terror and war and violence and used to be terror and war and violence and still, after all he’s done, came back home and forced himself to be soft and kind and gentle again. Controversial enough the road to become his former self again was a path of tight jaws and a fight of minds but in the end, William Miller loves deeply and tries his best to make the world a little brighter, a little less violent and a little better and that’s the reason you love him the most.  

X = Xylophone (What’s their song?)

“Hotel California” - Eagles. It’s the first song you showed him because you thought he might like it and although it wasn’t quite his kind of music he was baffled at the fact that someone thought of him. It’s funny because for some reason he still doesn’t like the song but he refuses to change stations whenever it comes on the radio and it almost always makes him smile. 

Y = Yes (Do they ever think of getting married/proposing?)

Yes. William is set on a long lasting partnership and getting married defiantly belongs to his bigger picture. It’s something that’s a part of getting involved with someone for him, seeing he’s someone who likes to calculate and know as much about a situation and how it might turn out and being in a relationship is not exception to that. He’s thought about it as you two made your relationship official, thought about it as you moved in together and defiantly thought about it the first time you’ve met his parents. It’s almost like a silent whisper in the back of his mind, constantly turning over little details and shifting the picture ever so slightly until William can see it perfectly clear in front of him: You are his person. 

x x x

Z = Zebra (If they wanted a pet, what pet would they get?)

Will’s pets change over the years. Not because they die but because he keeps bringing in strays, taking care of them for a time and then having to bring them to a shelter to find a new home with a heavy heart. There are at least three cats constantly present in his household and they are often referred to as “the Gang” (William), “Cheddar and his consorts” (Pope), “Those little shit heads” (Benny) or “Fluffs of fur” (You). Most of the time they are quiet cats, napping on chairs or in corners, wiggling their way around your legs as you try walk but there’s an undeniable cheeky nature to Cheddar, the first cat Will brought home and the one he holds closest to his heart (but he would deny that if you’d ask him, arguing loudly that he loves all of his children equally). 

x

Related

Benny’s A - Z Fluff Alphabet

William’s A - Z Smut Alphabet

William General Headcanons

Will and You and Benny // pt. two

[megacircuit9universe]

Time Travelers, Aliens, and AI

2019 JUL 13

At this point in history, we can all agree... things are a little fucked up.

Reality itself feels a little fractured... like we passed through the looking glass sometime around 2012... or 2016... depending on who you ask... but definitely, the twenty-teens saw a big rift in reality itself.

One we’ve all felt... but have not been able to describe exactly... just a vague certitude that things have gotten inexplicably weird, even on the day to day level for everybody around the planet.

Nor have we been able to point to one specific cause of this thing... I mean, we know climate change is a big problem, and that for some reason there’s a huge upswing in authoritarianistic freaks, even though the economy is doing pretty good for most of us and we don’t seem to be on the verge of a global war.

The internet itself... social media, more specifically, tend to get blamed for the overwhelming weirdness and dystopic nature of this trans-twenty-teenian era... with flat-earthers and anti-vaxers on one end, and quantum physicists on the other... all getting about equal attention in a global dialogue that includes everything in between those extremes... to a depth we never imagined any individual thing could ever go.

But I am here to tell you... the real reason the twenty-teens have been so fucked up, is because over this decade, our internet reached a milestone in it’s level of sophistication... such that... aliens can now get a better handle on what we’re doing... AND... human time travelers like it as a rest stop, coming and going from the more distant past, to the more distant future.

Just to be clear here... Aliens do not have time travel.  They don’t need it.  They see no point in it.  On the other hand, Time travelers... all of whom are humans from the near to distant future on Earth... don’t necessarily believe in aliens.

Both factions, however, do exist in our world, and, more importantly for our analysis... both have their own versions of AI (artificial intelligence) to help them do their work.  And the AI from both the aliens, and the time travelers, are accessing our nicely mature internet on a daily basis... doing who knows what, with what known supervision?

In other words... it’s a cluster fuck of trans-dimensional beings, some from Earth, some from space... and their AI... all drawn to the early 21st Century like moths to a flame, because this is the first moment where our tech and science is finally, truly compatible with theirs... either from space, or from the future.

We finally have, leading up to the twenty-twenties, enough computing power... enough wireless infrastructure... surveillance... GPS tracking... etc... for them to log in, get their headings, take their readings, do their studies... what have you.

But for both aliens, and time travelers (who, again, I’ll remind you do not necessarily know of one another’s existence) this easy internet access comes at a cost, and it is the cost of visibility.

Visibility in the real world... because there are so many of them around right now, and also visibility online... mostly unintentional, as both parties like to stay off the radar... but they can’t quite manage it... especially with their AI out there doing God only knows what, under their noses.

And all of this... is to say nothing of the underlying physics of the collective unconscious. 

I know... that sounds a bit crazy, even for a person trying to talk about time travelers and aliens in our midst, but... we all agree that the internet is a kind of collective consciousness, brought to us by technology.

However, it may also be true, that all sentient beings... are only able to be sentient at all... thanks to the fact that all sentient brains have evolved to take advantage of some yet to be defined property of the universe which allows for consciousness... much like the modern cloud allows individual phones to store and access data available to all other phones.

If there is a “natural cloud” of, say, dark matter, within which all biological consciousness resides, and which allows all sentient biological brains to... do sentience... then this “collective unconscious” would naturally be affected by the goings on in the collective “conscious” of an internet spanning the globe, and being accessed by not just you and me, but also aliens... time travelers... and their AI.

PHEW!

Okay, so the “collective unconscious” aspect of this is probably the most important, but it’s also the most difficult to pin down, quantify, or study... so we will ignore it for now... as we ignore everything that is unconscious.

That said, in the waking world, time travelers are, on the whole, doing a much better job avoiding notice than the aliens, who can’t resist the temptation to fuck with the world’s air force pilots and astronauts every couple of weeks.

It’s important to recognize that from the alien point of view, we on Earth have been waging a non stop nuclear war since the 1940s.  From their perspective, every single nuclear “test” detonation... be it above ground, underground, under the sea, or in space... anywhere on Earth... has been just another horrible nuclear bomb going off in what looks like a sixty year nuclear war at this point.

And aliens notice this shit!  

Nuclear fission leaves a telltale signature, but unlike the signature of fire and smoke, or electric light, fission says, “These assholes can finally do real math and understand how atoms work!”  And that’s a big warning flag, for an intergalactic civilization keeping it’s eye on the barbarians at the outskirts of the galaxy.

So, from the alien perspective, the pressure has been on since Hiroshima, to keep a close eye and, as technology on Earth has progressed, to give a little wink and a nod to the Earthlings in power... just enough to spook them... just enough to get them thinking... watch your step!  Somebody might be out here you don’t wan’t to fuck with, okay?

This has grown more prevalent over time, leading to a few generations of leaders, and their congresses, and their state congresses, and their city congresses... all knowing about this and growing more paranoid about it.

Meanwhile the internet has allowed leaks to filter down to the masses and... well.. this, I would submit, is the underlying cause of the huge spike in xenophobia in the twenty-teens.

On the surface it walks and talks like an unexplained rise in racism, even while we should have gotten past this level of human racism by now... but below the surface... it’s the unspoken fear of the aliens... the ones from outer space... who are watching us... and have been for centuries.  And whom we know nothing about.

Time travelers, meanwhile, are just human working joes... mostly military, because time distortion units are top secret, naturally... and they are only coming back in time for two purposes... to research and/or retrieve.

Every research time traveler is encouraged to retrieve what they can, even if it’s just a ball point pen from the past.

Every retrieval time traveler is encouraged to take notes... photos, video... of what they can... even if it’s just cars parked on a city street, or a chat with a person from the time in a bar.

Both types of time agents help their home governments in the future build better intel about past timelines, how to navigate them, how to understand metahistory, to prevent future mistakes... and how to access past tech in order to debug legacy tech that threatens their present day... a’la the Y2K bug, or other legacy computer bugs that threaten them down the line.

Time travelers keep a low profile, not because they fear changing the future. They don’t.  This is a many-world multiverse of ever bifurcating timelines, and what they do in the past doesn’t affect their home worldline, but they keep to the shadows nonetheless in order to avoid detection by the authorities of the times they are visiting.

Still, in order to get to their destinations in the past of the multiverse, and then navigate back to their home line (or one indistinguishable from it) time travelers rely on their own onboard AI to compare prerecorded aspects of their own past to present aspects of the past they’ve arrived in.

The more prerecorded data from the past that the AI has, to match to a stream of data at the destination... the better the AI is able to discern the time traveler’s deviation from the home line.

This is why time travelers, who can only move backward and forward in hops of ten or so years at a time, like to stop off in the twenty teens to get their bearings... because the internet of the twenty teens is so well documented and recorded.

You stop in 2016.  You log on to some obscure Youtube channel whose URL corresponds to some universal constant (which will be the same for all time travelers no matter where in the multiverse they come from) and your AI compares that feet to what it has in archive for this date.  

The AI calculates a deviation between the two feeds, which tells you how far off you are from the actual direct past you can never get straight back to.  If that deviation is large... you have to double back and try again.  If it’s within a small margin, then your mission is a go.

But they also establish weird channels on Youtube for this purpose... and on all other social media feeds... and their AI... well... the point is... even when they try to stay under the radar, their presence and their traffic is felt by us.

And lastly, there is just cross talk happening between the different technologies that time travelers see, and the adaptations and reverse engineerings of alien tech, that leads to real time tech getting weirder in our own world line.

Smart phones, I would posit, are an example of this cross talk.

Smart phones were not the result of any logical progression from 1990s cell phones and flip phones, and failed tablet experiments. They were not foreseen, and remain pretty enigmatic today... twelve years after their birth in 2007.

I would submit that smart phones... with their insane miniaturization of computing power, their insane battery and screen technology, their insane level of advanced sensors, and... the insane level of wireless, and satellite based infrastructure needed to support them... are in fact a hybrid technology that arose from one part time travelers seeing the possibilities in different instances of this era... and one part retro-engineering of alien tech.

And that’s where I’m gonna leave this first entry.

Happy Summer.

[starry19]

The Problem With Hope

aka No, I’m Not Dead and Really Sorry This Took Eight Years to Write

AN: I have many apologies to make. One, that this took so very, very long. I rather fell out of fandom life for a month or so. This was not necessarily a bad thing. Two, for whatever typographical errors you may find this piece. I don’t use betas, and I wrote it with only one contact in. Whee!

Part II

She woke to a pounding headache and the feeling of soft cotton against her cheek. She lay very still for a few minutes, adjusting to her surroundings.

The headache came from the absolute beating she had taken at Emma’s hands. And the steady thrum of a heartbeat belonged to Flynn, his good arm still wrapped around her. According to the streaked plexiglass slats on the wall, it was still night.

Heaven and hell, all together.

She needed to stop crying on the poor man, she thought. He didn’t appear to mind, but she didn’t want him to think that she continued to lean on him because she just needed someone to hold her for a while.

That was certainly true, but there was more, too.

She just…she wanted him.

He made her smile, made her feel safe, never asked for anything in return. Being with him was the easiest thing in the world, or at least, it was when she let her guard down, let him in.

She’d asked him if she could trust him, just before their trip to Salem. He’d nodded once, but that was the end of it. He had done everything in his power to earn that trust, to let her know she hadn’t made a mistake, either professionally or personally.

And now she was on the verge of trusting him with everything she had.

She shifted a little, face tipping up. He was already awake, green eyes warm and soft. He only ever looked this way for her, she suddenly thought. She got to see the Garcia Flynn no one else believed existed.

He smiled at her, and she snuggled back into his arms, not willing to give this moment up just yet.

For his part, Flynn didn’t seem inclined to kick her out of bed immediately, his hands brushing over her hair, down her back, lingering here and there, as if he was having difficulty with the idea of letting her go.

Perhaps it was just wishful thinking on her part. Perhaps he was just very good at being a gentleman.

They could, her brain informed her, have a conversation about this, like normal people. But they were both very far from normal.

And there was always the heartbreaking possibility of what if. What if he didn’t want her? What if he didn’t feel a thing when she was in his arms? What if he had never imagined what it would be like to make love to her?

She didn’t think she could quite deal with that scenario.

Not knowing was much better. If she knew, maybe she wouldn’t be able to pretend that he dreamed about her, that he was in this God-awful bunker just for her, that he thought about kissing her when his eyes sometimes dropped to her mouth.

Yes, not knowing was certainly better.

She burrowed deeper into his embrace, and he gently tugged the gray wool blanket up to her shoulders.

“Cold?” he murmured.

She was always cold, had been for months. Except that now she had a six and a half foot tall Croatian NSA agent wrapped around her.

“No,” she whispered back.

Flynn shifted her slightly, bringing her closer. She loved how this felt, tangled up with him. So safe, so protected. He smelled good, aftershave and a trace of cologne and something intrinsically him.

She could see the square outline of the gauze pad taped to his arm, a reminder that Emma had nearly taken him away, too. She hadn’t realized, when he’d held her in that alley, that he was bleeding freely, a remorseless piece of metal having ripped through him. It must have been agony, but he never let on.

“How’s the arm?” she asked now, striving for casual.

“I’ll do,” he said, noncommittally

Unexpectedly, he sat moved, back against his pillow. Tipped her chin up, very gently. Frowned at the pound of mince that passed for her cheek and eye.

“God, your lovely face,” he whispered.

She shrugged. “Apparently it’ll heal.” She hadn’t detected any trace of this injury on her future self.

His thumb brushed over the edge of her jaw and back again, and the moment stretched between them.

“What were you going to tell me?” she asked quietly, quickly. Before she lost her nerve. Before she could even think about it. “When Wyatt interrupted.”

His hand stilled. He took a breath, then met her eyes.

She knew what he was going to say. It couldn’t be anything else. And still, she wanted to hear it.

Carefully, with the barest amount of pressure, his thumb traced her bottom lip, avoiding the cuts.

“Not today,” he finally whispered, then smiled. “I think there’s probably enough for you to deal with at the moment.”

Her sense of disappointment was immediate. And painful. And, apparently, very obvious.

“Soon,” he said, hand still cupping her face. “I promise. When we get Rufus back.”

She did not approve of this answer. Was possibly pouting. Or she would have, if it didn’t hurt her face so badly.

And Flynn chuckled, lowly.

To her surprise, he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to the undamaged side of her face.

Oh, God. Was this happening?

She wondered, even as Flynn wrapped her up in his arms again, her head next to his heart once more.

She didn’t want to think about it. All she knew was that he was solid, he was here, he had never lied to her, he had never broken her heart.

She had needed the acknowledgment from Wyatt that he loved her. Despite everything that had happened between them, her heart still fluttered. She thought she understood what he was doing. He had…a lot to make up for. She wasn’t at all sure that he could make up for it. But it was important for her to know that he did love her, that she hadn’t just been a fling, that his heart had been involved as well.

God, but everything was such a disaster.

She closed her eyes.

When she woke, she was on her back, tucked under a blanket, her head on a pillow that smelled disarmingly like Flynn.

He wasn’t in the room.

Blinking, she padded out to the main part of the bunker, saw Jiya and Conner still frantically working. The look of hope in their eyes had not diminished, and she took heart from that.

She also took an ice pack from the freezer.

Flynn and Wyatt were having a quiet conversation, mostly about what Flynn knew about crossing your own lifeline.

Men, she thought. Literally a day ago, they were beating the hell out of each other. And then they had gone into battle together. She chose to ignore that Flynn had told her yesterday that he would really like to kill Wyatt. It was probably hyperbole. She hoped.

She sat down in a chair by herself, not wanting to make any sort of unintentional declarations, and gingerly pressed the ice to her face. This damn bruise was going to be an absolute rainbow of colors before it was all over.

There was a sudden silence from behind them.

Conner appeared.

“We’ve got it.”

Jiya’s eyes were shining. “We’ve got Rufus.”

It was chaos after that.

Four hours later, she anxiously hugged Wyatt, Flynn, and Jiya as they boarded the Lifeboat. She had been left behind, this not being a mission where a historian was required. Instead, both of her boys had been armed to the teeth, Flynn shucking his sling.

He had gently touched her face once, then he was gone.

They all were gone.

And she waited.

And waited.

Shut herself in Flynn’s room and tried to not panic.

An hour later, Agent Christopher came to find her. She refused to talk about the mission, but instead, taught her the basics of knitting. She was terrible at it, but it was distracting.

It seemed to her that the mission was taking too long. But what did she know?

A full fifteen hours later, time bent, and she waited, not breathing.

Out they came, looking worse than they had, bloodied, more battered. Flynn, Wyatt, Jiya.

Rufus.

She shrieked and ran to him. He caught her, whole and solid and breathing. And it was alright, she could breathe again, too.

Rufus gently pulled back to look at her. “Holy crap, Lucy,” he said. “What happened to your face?”

She grinned. It hurt. “I’m pretty sure I was trying to avenge your death.”

He gave her a look. “It didn’t go well, did it?”

She laughed, even though she had been pretty sure she would never even smile again.

It was the best night they’d had in ages. Whatever grudges were held were postponed. Agent Christopher had gone to get them pizza and had returned with a healthy supply of alcohol as well.

It was very late (or early, more like) when things settled down. Wyatt had passed out on the couch, and she couldn’t blame him for not wanting to go back to the room he’d shared with Jessica.

Instead, she’d draped a blanket over him, then gone to find Flynn again. It was becoming a habit of hers.

He looked like he had been waiting for her.

And was very relieved she had shown up.

He also looked exhausted, the shadows under his eyes very dark, eyes much more bloodshot than the few beers he’d had accounted for.

“You need to go to sleep,” she chided, but softly.

“Probably,” he said, sounding unconcerned.

“Go,” she told him, making a shooing motion at his unmade bed. Unmade, of course, because she had been the last one in it.

He raised an eyebrow. Appeared to be debating with himself.

Then he held out a hand. “Stay with me tonight,” he said, very softly. “Just to sleep,” he added, as though either of them were in any sort of condition to do anything else.

And, oh God, she could see in his eyes that he really and truly wanted her to stay. She was surprised at her own flare of yearning. To be held, to be protected. To be warm, safe.

So she placed her fingers in his palm, let him lead her.

His good arm went around her, protecting her back from the rasping of the wall, and she rested on her side, her head on his chest.

She took a breath in.

She had not expected how right this felt.

He turned his head slightly, pressed his lips against her forehead. “Do you want to know?” he murmured.

Her eyes closed. “Know what?”

She could feel him smile. “What I was going to say.”

Well, they were already here. Why not, she thought, recklessly.

“Yes,” she breathed.

“Are you sure?” he teased. “Because I can’t take it back once it’s out there.”

Was he enjoying this? Was he drunker than she’d thought?

She lightly smacked his chest. “I’m sure.”

He cleared his throat formally, and she almost rolled her eyes. So dramatic.

“I was going to answer your question,” he said quietly. “About why I was here.” Gently, he traced her spine with a fingertip. “I am here for you,” he whispered. “Just you.”

And how nice was that to hear? That he was here for only her?

A quiet sigh escaped her, and she shifted against him, cheek against his heartbeat. It was steady, just like him.

He was her safe place to come back to. Not her anchor, not what was keeping her in one spot.

How in the hell had this happened?

She thought of the first time she’d met him, looking like Lucifer himself, the burning wreckage of the Hindenburg flaming behind him. He’d held her at gunpoint then, their first meeting.

Then she frowned.

No, he hadn’t.

He’d held Wyatt at gunpoint.

Rapidly, she thought. Had he ever pointed a gun at her, specifically? She’d stepped purposely into his line of fire once or twice, so she couldn’t count those.

No.

He really hadn’t.

He had threatened to kill her. Over a beer and a candlelit table. You don’t think I will? No, she hadn’t. Hadn’t been afraid of him since he’d shot Abraham Lincoln.

If he’d meant her harm, she’d understood, even then, she would be harmed.

And now he was here, and hers. Strong arms and broad shoulders and absolutely lethal accuracy with a weapon and the ability to cradle her like she was made of glass. In this moment, she might have been.

“I’m glad,” she whispered back, finally.

It was selfish, but she wanted to be someone’s priority.

With another flash of realization, she remembered that he had let Emma go without a chase. Because of her. Because he had been too concerned for her.

He’d had the opportunity to take out what she assumed was the brains of Rittenhouse, and he had passed on it.

She closed her eyes.

Tried to snuggle deeper into his arms.

He let her.

Kissed her hair.

A cuddly, affectionate Garcia Flynn? And she thought she’d seen it all before?

She was starting to realize that there was an entirely separate universe about to be opened to her.

And God, she couldn’t wait to see it.

[kyluxtrashpit]

Writing Meme

So I wasn’t actually tagged in this, but I saw it going around a while back and I was trying to write but it turns out writing + muscle relaxants is not a good combo, thus instead of actually writing I’m just going to talk about my writing because why the hell not

What’s your total word count on AO3?

286801. Which, uh, um, wow, excuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor. And that’s not including a number of tumblr only fics for both this fandom and my previous one. I honestly feel like I haven’t written a lot because 90% of my fics are short and I’ve only been writing fic since 2015 (we’re not going to count those fumbles back when I was like 14 on quizilla lmao), but I guess if you write enough short things, they do eventually add up haha

How often do you write?

I make random notes of ideas and such all the time, but as in actually sitting down and writing? It depends on my mood. There are times I write for hours every day for a week. There are times when I haven’t touched a single document in weeks. Writing is, unfortunately, a hobby for me and when irl gets stupid or the brain gremlins are acting up, it’s one of the first things that falls to the wayside because it does take a lot of mental energy. But the groove does always come back eventually. I only force myself when I can take it, mentally, so mostly I’m just floating on inspiration

(The rest is behind a cut because I really rambled a lot here, wow. And if you’re on mobile, I am so sorry)

Do you have a routine for writing?

Not really. I basically sit down, make sure I have a beverage and maybe some snacks (usually something like chocolate chips or m&ms - simple sugars help you think by giving you energy without taking much to digest them. It’s a trick I used for university), and put in headphones with music. For music, I tend towards instrumentals, be that classical or video game soundtracks, just because having lyrics can confuse my brain if I’m not focusing well. Atmospheric (storms, ocean, etc.) also sometimes work. I also tend to have a game of solitaire open in the background, for when I need to pause and think but I need to still be doing something just to keep the flow going

What are your favorite kinks/tropes/pairings?

I mean, I am all about d/s dynamics, sub!Kylo especially, in case you hadn’t noticed lmao. That’s my bread and butter. So mostly I like anything that goes with that (also like, not necessarily orgasm denial proper, but any sexual act where only one party gets gratification out of it is hnng). Here’s random list of other kinks I like in no particular order: begging, desperation, dirty talk, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, weird kinks, objectification, petplay, etc. I love far too many to ever list them all lmao

As for tropes, I love to say I’m a fan of slow burm and mutual pining but in truth I’m suffering the whole time lmao. I think there’s no further proof that I’m a masochist than the amount of them I read. Forced proximity is always fun, especially with unintentional bonding/intimacy. Love love love themes with mental health issues. Hurt/comfort and angst with a happy ending are also like, the good shit. Oooh and let’s not forget touch starvation. Although one of my favourite tropes in the kylux fandom is the ‘overly specific au’ fics that we have. It’s like a specialty here and I love it

As for pairings, I tend to only write one at a time, so right now it’s just kylux. I like some others (finnrey, stormpilot, benpoe, reysma, etc.) but my general fandom experience is one ship grabbing me by the short hairs and that’s just what I do now haha. I have branched out on occasion before, so who knows, maybe it will happen again?

Do you have a favorite fic of yours?

This is... really difficult tbh. There’s a handful that have special places in my heart (as in mostly the long ones lmao; anything 10k+ is a miracle for me). But if I had to choose, I would pick Fractured. Not necessarily because I think it’s my best story or the one that I would most want to read if I hadn’t written it, but because from a storytelling standpoint it is by far the most difficult and ambitious thing I’ve ever done. Because of the way I did it (and I honestly believe the way I did it was the way I had to do it) with the flashbacks basically made it 2 stories in one, except those 2 stories were also part of a larger, third story that combined them both. Editing was a nightmare (reading just the present scenes, just the past scenes, and then the whole thing together to make sure the flow worked after every chapter, plus all the usual nightmares of editing), the subject matter was heavy and hard to write, and the whole thing took me a year to actually get ready to even post. It was gruelling and it was basically just me sitting by myself for a year bouncing ideas around until they congealed enough to actually be a story lmao. I have never outlined so much in my life. But I’m also obscenely proud of how it turned out given all I went through to make it exist, which is why I’m picking it

Your fic with the most kudos?

This award goes to Touch which, while I’m not really surprised by that, is a fic I still have a complicated relationship with. It was my second ever kylux fic and the first with smut and also my true introduction to the absolutely insane amount of feedback you can get in a big fandom (as compared to my previous one, at least). However, it was also the fic where I had accidentally copied another writer in a few sections. Even though we worked it out, I apologized, both publicly and privately, and made some edits as well as giving credit to the author, I still feel bad about it nearly 2 years later. It’s the one fic of mine I really don’t think about often as a result, despite it’s success

Anything you don’t like about your writing?

I wish I was better at holding the flow/continuity. This is a large part of why I don’t write a lot of long fics, but I just have so much trouble with it. As a result, you may have noticed that I do a lot of timeskips, which leaves my longer fics as basically just all the scenes I thought where important with nothing between them except horizontal lines. And I know a bad scene transition is worse than just doing a jump, but damn, I really wish I could get things to flow better in that specific regard. Inside a scene? Easy, I can do that. But getting my scenes to link together into a coherent narrative with an overarching plot? Eh, not confident I pull that off very well. I think the way I do it does work, but I also think the stories would be better if I could find a way to not do that

Now something you do like?

I really do think I do a good job at writing in character and particularly in getting inside the character’s heads. From what I can tell, I tend to write more like an rper than I do an actual author in that I’m basically getting into the character’s heads and letting it evolve organically from there. Sure, I have a basic plan as to where things are going, but the little details and the introspection tend to be more gleaned in the moment from what the character wants. I love getting into deep POV and I think I do a good job of it. I’ve had some people tell me my writing is too introspective but like, that is what I enjoy in fic, both reading and writing. And also that is how I experience the world; my ultimate goal is to make the reader really understand what it’s like to experience the world as the character who’s perspective I’m writing from. And I think I am moderately successful at that, though I’m sure I still have more to learn

[seaofserenitysubs]

Sailor Moon Names Controversy

So, everyone once in a while, we get called out for “misspelling” character names in Japanese, or else questioned why things are spelled differently.

I feel much of this is due to established common spellings among fans that have just cemented in people’s minds. But, please note that Sailor Moon was not written in English or with English-speakers in mind. There is no real “true” translation, there are various factors that will lead to a particular way of writing it in English. As part of Sea of Serenity’s policy, every translation is completely fresh with no regard to any previous translation of the work. As a results, sometimes characters names may sometimes be different. There is not necessarily one “right” answer.

Below I will hopefully outline our process and explain some of the more common complained about names.

The below are not necessarily in order, but they are the various things we incorporate into the final choice.

1) Consistency!

The most important thing to us, is that names are consistent. So we don’t have Jadeite, Neflite, Joyzite and Malachite (all of which are valid in some way).

2) We avoid straight romanisation of Japanese names excluding names, places and cultural elements such as foods.

This is so we don’t end up with names like Esumeroodo which are clunky to read in English. However, with things like Usagi Tsukino, Azabu-Juuban or mochi, we retain these to preserve the Japanese nature of these instead of something like Rabbit Moonfields or “Tenth-Linen-District”. However, if there is straight translation description such as “Kaguya Island” or “University Potatoes”. We will translate these to give a better explanation.

3) We take into account the source language of the word. Many Sailor Moon characters are loanwords or derived from other languages. We try to replicate this where possible. Hence, Esmeraude, derived from an Old French word, over Esumeroodo or even Emerald.

4) We take into account what the Japanese word is trying to convey.

For example, the name Esumeroodo is supposed to invoke an image of the gemstone emerald, with a bit of French flair, in English, Esmeraude does this same job. Note that in Japanese, the sounds equate directly to “Esmeraude” but the name itself is still “Esumeroodo”.

5) We take into account whether a particular translation will cause confusion.

The translation “Emerald” may cause unintentional with the character Bilhah Emerald for example. We will avoid double ups unless they are intentional in the Japanese.

6) We take into account whether the spelling makes a name difficult to pronounce in English.

If there alternatives spellings in the source language, we will pick the one that we feel best reflects the intended Japanese pronunciation. More on this below.

6) We take into account surrounding Japanese media written in English.

We do take this into account, but do not give it strong precedent unless the source has gone out of their way to promote a particular spelling, that is, provided a specific translation that is to be seen by English-speakers. An example of this is “Guardian” or “Senshi” post-2003 media. Another is "Eudial” is written as “Youzeiaru” on her locker in the anime, yet, I have heard very little claim the name should be “Youzeiaru”.

Below are some of the more common names, that we will discuss specifically

Mimet From ミメット鉱 “Mimetto-ko”, from the English, Mimetite. The -ko means “mineral”, just like the “-ite” does in English. Taking this away, leaves us with Mimet, which approximates the Japanese sounds perfectly. The only rule in controversy is “6″, due to Naoko Takeuchi’s spelling of it as “Mimete” on a panel. As this was written for a Japanese audience off-hand and appears as “flavour-text” only, we do not need to take this into account. If we did every time, we would have to include spellings like “Deth Fantom”. Counter-arguments include that the English itself “Mimete” is based on the Greek “Μιμητής” (mimetes), however, the English “Mimet” has undergone significant change in pronunciation, and it is clear the Japanese reflects the English pronounciation, not the Greek (compare with character, Sailor Aluminum Seiren which reflects the Greek, not the English). 

Tellur

From テルル鉱, “Teruru-ko, from the English Tellurite. The -ko means “mineral, just like “-ite” does in English. Taking this away leaves us with “Tellur”. This accounts for the double “r” sound in the Japanese which the spelling “Tellu” by Naoko Takeuchi does not reflect, it makes the word look like it should be pronounced te-loo in English when it is more something like Tel-ure which gets in those two r sounds. (In Japanese, l and r English sounds are both positioned after the Japanese “r” sound). Counter-arguments include that Tellur is from the Japanese word for “Tellurium” (テルル - Teruru) though seemingly so due to it being identical, all the other Witches 5 are minerals, not elements. Logically Tellur is too. 

Vilyui  From ビリユイ石 “Biriyui-seki”, (the seki means stone) now this is an interesting one. The English equivalent for this is Wiluite. You can see it is very similar, but not quite matching with Vilyui or Viluy. In fact, this compound has an alternative Japanese writing “ウィルアイト” (Wiruaito) which is definitely approximating “Wiluite”. The question is now, where did Biriyui-seki come from. Wiluite is named after the River Wilui in Russia. Other spellings include “Vilyui” and “Vilyuy”. It seems that the Japanese word, has gone back to the original source language, Russian and transliterated unlike Mimet and Tellur. Vilyui, we preferred over Vilyuy because there was one less letter to change and the pronounciation of Vil-yu-i is clearer, this was a stylistic decision. Counterarguments include “Viluy” from Naoko’s side-panel again. I am not familiar enough with Russian to count this as an alternative spelling, it may very well be. None the less, Vilyui is still available and makes pronunciation is clear. Viluy does not get across the distinct “y” sound in the middle of Vil-YOU-ee, looking more like Vil-OO-ee.

Kaolinite

From カオリナイト “Kaorinaito”, straight from the English mineral “Kaolinite” with no in-between stages. This one, I feel is straight-forward. Counterarguments include “Kaorinite”, this seems to be either a mistranslation that doesn’t reflect the mineral-origins, or may be to play off on Kaolinite’s human name “Kaori”. For consistency’s sake, we have not included this, as we would have to do names like Euko Alimura and Yui Vidou for the Witches 5 who have similar human names with similar sounds as their Witches 5. We feel this is starting to stray too far away from the Japanese names, howeve, I will note a real Japanese person may choose to romanise their names in these ways, it would be acceptable as the sounds are still represented. We do not feel it is necessary in this translation.

Kouan

A very interesting one, Kouan derives from a Japanese word, 紅安鉱 “kouanko” or in English, Kermesite. It is clear that unlike her sisters, Kouan’s name simply comes from a Japanese mineral’s name. However, Naoko swapped the script to コーアン (ko-an), with a long o- vowel. In Japanese “oo” and “ou” are identical sounds. As a personal preference, writing double “oo” sounds in Japanese however, is exceedingly rare (おお) for Kooan, so we have gone with the more usual “ou” (おう) for Kouan to account for the long vowel found in both the kanji and katakana forms of her name. The same way we do for characters like Kou Seiya (over Koo Seiya). Counterarguments include Koan, we do not feel this properly reflects the long vowel, and Cooan, we do not see the switch to a “c” in English as necessary. 

Demand

Perhaps the most contentious of all.

Esmeraude and Saphir’s names derive from old European names for Emerald and Sapphire respectively. Rubeus is derived from the Latin word “Rubeus” from which the word “Ruby” is derived.

However, to this day, I do not think anybody has found any word, European, or otherwise that accurately accounts for the sounds in “デマンド” “Demando”. It is quite clear, it has something to do with diamonds. I have settled on the conclusion that it is some kind of pun between the English word “demand” and “diamond”. The word “ デマンド “ (demando) is already a recognised word in Japanese which means “demand” and Japanese readers would recognise it as such, to further this argument, the Sailor Moon musical song “Innocent Demand” explicitly makes this connection and is always written in English as “Innocent Demand”. However, in the context of the other gemstone names, a sense of it being “diamond-y” is also present. Just in how we might not know what languages Esmeraude and Saphir derive from, but we know they’re some kind of Emerald-y, Sapphire-y thing. It is possible, his name might be a contraction of Demantoid, but this seems unlikely as he is not associated with the colour green. Counterarguments - Prince Dimande/Demande, I have never found what languages these stem from, I suspect it’s an attempt to make the name seem more diamond-y, but as shown above. This isn’t necessary for this character, as the other character names make it clear, and Japanese readers would recognise the word “demand” the same way English-readers would.

I hope that helps and makes sense and you enjoyed reading!

[strawberry-milktea]

Have you ever had issues with an idol? I think mine is a person I'm close to, and I want to kill it before it kills me. Not the person lawl... but I don't want idolatry in my heart, it breeds other sin. Should I cut this person from my life all together? I've been trying to beat this sin for awhile now, what if God isn't hearing my prayer because of it? I could really use your guidance Miss Rachel.

Yes, and my struggle is the same as yours.. The period of my life from middle to high school, I was extremely lonely. God used that painful time in my life to make me desire to be the friend to others that I had needed so badly all those years and caused me to cherish/value my friendships. However, one of the negatives that came out of it that the enemy likes to use to attack me is that I tend to get emotionally attached too quickly to people who show care for me and it’s very painful for me when people change or show true colors they had been hiding all along. This is the explanation, but I am by no means excusing when I allow myself to fall into idolizing people/the relationships in my life. Idolatry is a sin like any other.There are times when I catch myself relying too much on people for happiness and it’s not right because He is supposed to be my joy first and foremost. I am certainly not saying it’s wrong to find happiness in our relationships with those we care for! But becoming dependent on other flawed human beings for fulfillment and happiness is where it becomes an issue of idolatry. I saw it pretty prominently recently with my interactions with someone I had befriended, and I’m glad He opened my eyes to it. This person and I began communicating via texting and I could tell I was already getting emotionally invested in these interactions. When this person started indicating that their true colors were not genuine friendship or care and they seemed to stop caring about replying/interacting, it easily threw me in to a down, negative, and hurting mood. Then when they got around to replying, I felt happy again. This cycle of talking, not talking, repeat and the accompanying roller coaster feeling of switching between happy and sad emotions happened a few times before I began to realize it’s not spiritually healthy for my mood to be so dependent upon getting a response from someone. Not only is it draining, but it’s putting too much of your hopes and happiness into another flawed human being like yourself. I also noticed that interacting with this person was causing me to stumble spiritually in other ways and was a distraction from Him, so in all honesty, it was for the best that I don’t text with this person anymore. I don’t think cutting a person out of your life the cookie cutter approach we should always automatically take when idolatry of relationships is a weakness for us. Sometimes it’s the right decision, sometimes it isn’t. I don’t know the details of your situation, so I can’t really tell you either way whether or not you should distance yourself from this person. In my situation, it was the spiritually healthy thing to do to distance myself from this person because they were influencing me negatively, which was causing me to stumble in other sin and they were literally distracting me from time with Him. This person wasn’t offering me anything other than spiritual hindrance, which brings to mind what the Word warns us about regarding being unequally yoked. So in my case, distancing myself was the right choice and since I did, my spiritual health and connection with Him improved substantially. Yet at the same time, even though my weakness is to sometimes finding myself relying too much on others for joy, I know I can’t and don’t want to distance myself from everyone. God created us to desire the company of others from the start - it’s why He created Eve for Adam. Most of us naturally want to be around other human beings and it’s not inherently sinful to want this. It’s sinful when other people become our primary source of joy instead of Him. And I don’t think the answer to fixing that issue is always going to be distancing ourselves from the person we are relying too much upon. If that becomes our go-to solution every time we feel ourselves getting too reliant, then we may end up running away from every person who cares for us by default. And in reality, is that going to ultimately fix the problem of seeking others too much for happiness? Won’t we just end up alone yet still yearning for the company of others? The issue of idolatry of relationships may not necessarily be solved by removing ourselves from these relationships.I think the general step to take with the issue of idolatry of people/relationships is to press deeper into our relationship with Him. By doing that and spending more time in His presence, we become more aware of the true joy and fulfillment that comes from a relationship with Christ. It awakens awareness that as much as another flawed person can make us feel happiness with the love they can give us, it pales in comparison to the perfect love that He offers us. As the Word tells us, the reason we love is because He loved us first. When we develop awareness to that reality, it becomes easier and easier to put Him first and rely on Him for fulfillment only He can offer. It also becomes easier for it to not rock our worlds so much when a person we care for disappoints us in some way (which will inevitably happen - even with people who truly try to love and try to care for us the best they can).Then I think the second step is to assess your current situation and the specific details regarding the person in question. Ask yourself: does the problem here lie in my own weakness in relying upon others too much or is this person contributing somehow to my weakness? Is this relationship causing me to stumble in areas of sin because this person is a bad influence? Is this person actively disrupting my relationship with God and distracting me from Him, whether intentional or unintentional? Am I unequally yoked spiritually with this person? The answers to these questions should help in determining whether or not it is spiritually healthy and necessary for you to distance yourself from this particular person. Also, the most important thing is to seek Him for guidance. If He warns/convicts you to avoid a person, always listen to Him. I’m sorry that I can’t give you a clear yes or no answer as to whether you should distance yourself from this person. But I do hope what I wrote here helps somehow in the processing of you making a decision. Continue seeking Him for guidance and please do not think that struggling with this means He doesn’t hear your prayers. If there is anything else I can do, please let me know.

[xpuriity]

so I wanted to ask how have the people changed her for good or for bad and what are her true feelings towards them (you can do only the people you have in your 'beloved' part of the navigation page if it makes things easier) and what kind of events would turn those feelings upside down? I hope I'm not asking for too much and I hope you have a nice day! c: ( 2/2 )

( I think sometimes people come into your life and change it but don’t necessarily change you so I don’t think everyone on her ‘beloved’ part of the navigation did bring about major changes in her personality because people really aren’t that changeable, but I am going to try and answer for at least most of them — under a cut because this is going to get really lengthy:

♫ . Whitebeard 

Whitebeard while may not have directly changed her, I think it is his actions which brought about huge changes in her life — by ending the war in her home island, the great pirate changed Rosa from dreaming of becoming a famous musician to wanting to pursue a life of piracy and adventure. It is his rejection later and turning her down from joining his family several times, which also caused her to train hard and want to become stronger. 

However, something I never addressed before is while Whitebeard did make her stronger, he also aided in certain bad changed in terms of insecurity within her which I’m afraid didn’t fade even after she joined the Whitebeard Pirates; Rosa thinks her real parents abandoned her and her captain / father figure didn’t initially want her and both incidents lead to her feeling unwanted and not good enough.

Of course, that is heavily outweighed by all the good he brought in her life — Whitebeard was the one to teach her what it means to be a part of a family and what it’s like to have a home where she can feel safe and protected for the first time in her life. He taught her not to judge people as they are all children of the sea and he gave her a place to belong and people to love and care for. It is his shelter and love, which taught her the meaning of peace and allowed her to go to sleep without fear.

♫ . Ace | @xpyre​

Ace, is probably the one that changed Rosa most — and for the better. He was, perhaps, the first person to ever truly accept her or take interest in her and for someone who has felt rejected and alone her entire life, that meant the world to Rosa.

Ace’s presence in her life has, since the day they met, served as a guiding light for the hummingbird, inspiring and motivating her to want to get stronger and braver, however, unlike the first case, that doesn’t come through rejection and a need to prove herself but by encouragement.

He was her first friend and probably the first one to make her feel like she’s not really alone in the world but that someone actually notices her attempts and efforts. As a result, this lead to her to become more out going; his bold nature inspiring her to also become less hesitant and more daring towards following her dreams and adventures.

Ace’s influence on Rosa is one where she feels safe enough to be adventurous, feels heard to be brave enough to speak her mind and heart.

While not by choice, his death has also gravely changed Rosa; it forced her to grow in the harshest way possible, by losing the person she loved most. This caused the hummingbird to become less naive to the dangers of the world but also pushed her back into the isolated space she was in before he found her. She lost her childlike joy and enthusiasm and instead became more quiet and detached from her surroundings.

♫ . Valerie | @inkablaze​

Somewhat like Ace, Valerie’s personality contrasts with Rosa’s in that she is bold and daring and such a presence pushes the pianist to attempt and break out of her shell too and experience a more thrilling world. 

However, I think where Ace inspires Rosa and causes her to live her life, it is never truly in a way that could endanger her, where as Valerie’s influence is more of a danger oriented one and while sometimes unintentional by the armorer I think being around her somehow always ends up dragging the strawberry blonde into trouble.

Initially, I feel being around Valerie, could be a little confusing for Rosa, who partly would find her exciting and want to be like her, failing to realize the danger she’s putting herself in. It could influence her to be, rather than simply brave: reckless 

— However, what she in time learns from Valerie is that she doesn’t need to change who she is — the red head is true to herself and if Rosa is to be like, she needs to embrace who she is as well thus causing them to developing a dynamic where their differences are what keep them close, where Rosa realizes just like she needs someone like Val to push her boundaries, she too needs to remain the way she is, to ensure the red head does not involve them into more danger than the pair could handle.

♫ . Camilla | @xviridiis​

Just like we need people to bring about changes in us, we also sometimes simply need people to support us for who we already are — and I think, in this case, that’s what Camilla’s presence is to Rosa; while the tealette does not influence the musician in a manner that changes her, but in a way that allows her to be who she is.

Through her optimism, Camilla lets Rosa know it’s okay to daydream and be childlike and enthusiastic at times — she reminds Rosa, that even in a world of tragedy and loss, it’s okay to still dream of happy endings and have hope.

It’s not a change, but it’s a reminder, she’s not alone and has people who share her dreams.

In a more conflict manner though, Camilla, I think, is also the first person roleplay wise, to drive Rosa to a point where she felt the need to draw a line / stand up for herself and request a friend to stay out of her affairs. Not to say that Camilla changed Rosa to stand up for herself as the pianist was never a pushover to begin with, but I think this did lead Rosa to become more private about certain topics, even around people she deems friends. 

♫ . Akane | @scarlethaki

It’s mostly witnessed in one of our somewhat recent threads but I think Akane plays a part in leading Rosa to believe that her softness was not a weakness as the the pianist may have prior believed and influencing her growth in a way that she embraces it as strength instead.

Rosa is seen as sensitive and soft and among a crew of strong, muscular tough looking pirates, it’s easy for her to get swept with feelings of not belonging and how her own softness is a weakness 

— and to Rosa, Akane is what she wishes she could be; a strong, brave and capable female among a crew of men; she wishes she too could fit in the way the red head does but I think Akane telling the pianist how misguided she thinks she is, serves as somewhat of an eye opener to her, as she never realized someone she greatly admires could possibly be envious of her.

The result is that it’s one of the few sparks which eventually lead her to accept, her kindness and softness is strength / how she really doesn’t need to try and conceal her heart in order to be strong.

I think those have been the main influences on her and since it got too long, I will just stop here ;u; but don’t worry it wasn’t too much, I hope my answer wasn’t too much either and thank you for taking interest in my baby girl ♡ ♡ )