#the amount of queer joy and happiness these stories give me is just something i really wanna hold on to

[qqueenofhades]

I agree with you on the happily ever after!!!!

Regardless of the way the comics end, I think in adaptation Hob and Dream are happily ever after material.

The whole point of Dream saying that life is pointless when it’s just his duties and Death reminding him that he has an appointment with Hob, is to show how Dream immediately changes his mind to “ah, yes, life does have a meaning after all, I have to apologize to my friend”. The simple, unrestrained joy that Dream shows as soon as he sees Hob, it’s just unmatched. Dream is never shown to be that happy again in the series. And we don’t see them talk!! Ever!!! The show gives them so much privacy, it shies away from their reunion like it’s an old school sex scene. AND THEY SHOW DESIRES REALM IMMEDIATELY AFTER SHYING AWAY!!!! I’m going insane, if you will excuse me.

And Ferdinand’s Hob treats his life and love and humanity in general as something very precious and it shows in him. I think the queer subtext (it’s just text but ok) really elevated this story, because now that Hob waits for Dream for thirty years and builds a pub for him, you can see that it’s not just joie de vivre that makes him capable of living forever, but also his devotion. To his life, to humanity and to Dream.

The devotion that they feel to each other, despite only meeting for 6 times in their lives and overall spending with each other about a day or two in literally hundreds of years, and YET.

YOUR HONOR THIS IS THE MOST ROMANTIC STORY IVE SEEN IN MY LIFE MAYBE!!!!!!

Well, I wouldn't go so far as saying (IF WE EVER GET SEASON 2 I AM GOING TO MURDER NETFLIX MYSELF) that Dream/Hob is going to be HEA material in the TV show, or that they'd go to change canon so far as keeping Dream alive, or whatever else. However, I do think that the queer subtext/text that they've added to it (and indeed, explicitly acknowledged that they've added) changes the way they have to write that relationship going forward, Hob and Dream's interactions, and the emotional tenor and weight of it. Because as people have noted, in the comics, Dream doesn't miss their 1989 meeting; he just shows up as planned and things go back to normal. But because moving the TV show to the modern day means that Hob waited 33 years past their meeting date, saved the White Horse, built the New Inn, and otherwise demonstrated this whole new depth of (queer) devotion... you can't handwave that aside and go back to "resolutely heterosexual dudebro and his spooky friend meeting up just to Be Bros." Also god bless Ferdinand Kingsley for being like OF COURSE THEY'RE BOYFRIENDS and Tom Sturridge for being like "well if Dream loves these humans he's just met, how much more does he love Hob who he's known for 600 years?" They understood the assignment. Thank you for your service, gentlemen.

Anyway, I am old and Tired enough that I have long since gotten past hanging my hat on canon validation/endgame/Word of God confirmation (especially since I have a knack for shipping things that are Doomed by the Narrative and/or bad writing. Argh). So either way, it doesn't matter to me what they do with it. Well, obviously it does and I reserve the right to have Strong Opinions on it, but it won't make any difference to my fandom activities, my feelings about it, my writing/fanworks about it, and so on. So yes. Regardless of what ultimately happens in show-verse, they're still HEA in my mind (after due amounts of Idiocy and Struggle, of course). The end.

[ninacarstairss]

When he got older, he learned about love as a strange thing that could fall apart no matter how badly you wanted it, a choice you make anyway.

so i did a thing

[yurimother]

LGBTQ Manga Review — Whisper Me A Love Song Vol 1-3

A Joyous Exploration of Love that Strikes a Chord

It is by no means a stretch to call Eku Takeshima's Whisper Me a Love Song one of the most popular Yuri manga series of the moment. Last Summer, the manga won second place in Yuri Navi's Fourth Yuri Manga Sousenkyo behind only the ever-popular Bloom Into You. Indeed many draw connections and comparisons between the work and Nakatani's near-worshiped bestseller, and for good reason, as the high school romances explore similar themes of discovery and question what love is. I have been saving this series for some time, and with Kodansha's recent release of volume three, it seemed the perfect time to dive deep into a review and reading of not one, not two, but three volumes of the beloved series.

Whisper Me a Love Song follows energetic first-year high school student Himari. On her first day at school, she sees a performance by the school's band and is instantly captivated by the music and the band's fill-in lead singer, Yori. When Himari confesses her "love" to Yori, she is surprised when the senpai returns her feelings. However, the two have different ideas of love and struggle to reconcile with their feelings of affection and admiration for each other.

A central theme for the first three volumes of Whisper Me a Love Song is exploring what love means. While Yori feels a romantic attraction towards Himari and wants to start dating her, Himari's love is not amorous. She loves Yori's music, loves spending time with her senpai, and loves the idea of seeing her perform with the band again, all of which are valid forms of affection, but she does not know how to return Yori's feelings. The first three volumes see the two characters explore the meaning of love and relationships. It feels very appropriate and fitting in terms of a theme for the school-aged characters, like something a real youth may experience. Figuring out what love means to you is something many adolescents, particularly queer ones, will undoubtedly experience.

Takeshima tackles the subject matter of Whisper Me a Love Song's exploration of love deftly. For one, there is a complex myriad of emotions for both characters to feel and express. For example, Himari feels appropriately confused and conflicted during much of the series. She wants to spend time with Yori and enjoys her company, but also wracked with guilt over not returning Yori's affection, especially once Yori's bandmate Aki confesses that she is in love with Yori requests Himari stand aside to let Yori off the hook. The best part of Himari's journey is unquestionably when she seeks advice, whether from family or another older student, Momoka Satomiya. One particular conversation with her mother resonates well. As she explains to the child, love is something you can grow into, and you may date someone without being completely enamored by them. It may feel like an obvious lesson, but one we rarely hear or see expressed in romance narratives.

ori's journey is a bit less complex and compelling than Himari's. While in the first volume, she struggles to give voice to her feelings and drives much of the story, in the later story, she is mainly reactionary to Himari. For example, when Himari begins spending time with Momoka, she feels jealous and worried. While her character lacks some agency in the second and third books, her stories are still compelling and her growth noticeable. Himari's love of seeing her perform with the band causes her to confront her stage fright and join them full time. Her steadfast conviction that she can write an enchanting love song to get Himari to fall for her is likewise adorable and has the perfect amount of youthful, fanciful optimism.

However, the best part of Whisper Me a Love Song is the sheer joy Himari and Yori get from spending time together. The bubbly younger girl is constantly bouncing off the walls and eager to see Yori and get to listen to her music, and for Yori's part, her passion and excitement, whenever she sees Himari, is evident. It is a lovely change from the typical aloof and damaged star pupil we expect from the senpai in a Yuri series. Chapters featuring the girls going out shopping together or picking outfits became standouts for me, not for their Sapphic content but merely the contagious happiness and pleasure both girls show. Other notable elements of the series include its supporting cast, who are thrilled by Yori and Himari's struggle and enthusiastically encourage both girls with a furious lesbian ride-or-dieism one usually expects to find only in liberal arts colleges.

While the series has many strengths, it does stumble on multiple occasions and has a few points against it. For one, it misses a huge opportunity to explore LGBTQ+ identity. This feature would have been the perfect accompaniment to Himari's journey to understand love and its different forms. While outright discussion of same-sex romance is unusual for Yuri, its absence here is somewhat more prominent because of its subject matter.

Furthermore, Whisper Me a Love Song has some struggles with pacing. Despite being relatively long for a Yuri manga, it moves quickly from one issue to the next while not always taking time to explore them fully. For example, the first two volumes effectively build and foreshadow the revelation that another girl loves Yori. Only for the plot to just as quickly come the next book, with Aki, the girl who once asked Himari to let her have Yori, suddenly changing her character and encouraging their relationship to develop. The one advantage of this quick pace is that it allows for the series to have turmoil and emotion without becoming too steeped in melodrama.

Sadly, the series' faults are highlighted a bit more due to its unfortunate similarity to Bloom Into You. Comparing the two Yuri series is understandable, as they deal with the analogous subject matter, and Takeshima's series began hitting its stride shortly after Bloom Into You was winding down. However, the latter has the advantage of being much more fleshed out, with eight volumes, a (phenomenal) light novel spin-off, two anthologies, and an anime series. While both series appear to survey many familiar Yuri tropes, Bloom Into You, for the most part, manipulated these in subversive and exciting ways, especially when it came to Sayaka. Whisper Me a Love Song does not have any such achievements, although there is still time for the continuing series. I will say, though, Himari's journey of exploring love and seeking advice from different sources about what it can mean is both more exciting and realistic than Yuu's "come to lesbian Jesus" moment at the end of her series.

Whisper Me a Love Song is a delightful school romance series. Takeshima brilliantly chose to put two characters feeling different forms of affection and admiration together, and the result is a passionate and fast-paced exploration of what love means. The main characters, Himari and Yori, are so delightfully passionate and excited by each other that it is hard not to get swept up in their emotions and pure gleefulness. The series has some issues with pacing and being a little too predictable and safe. However, the compelling central relationship will entice most readers. Hopefully, once it has a bit more time to do its own thing and delve a bit deeper, this uncut gem of a series will shine like a polished jewel. I can unequivocally say that I am now a dedicated fan and am very excited for volume 4, especially given the end of the third book. But if you want to find out more about that, you will have to pick up this series for yourself.

Special thanks to translator Kevin Steinbach, letterer Jennifer Skarupa, editors Tiff Joshua and TJ Ferentini, and the rest of the team at Kodansha Comics for their excellent work on Whisper Me a Love Song.

Ratings: Story – 8 Characters – 8 Art – 7 LGBTQ – 4 Sexual Content – 1 Final – 8

Check out Whisper Me a Love Song Volumes 1-3 in English digitally and in paperback: https://amzn.to/3idOaAy

[candicewright]

Kindly requesting that analysis on wangxian being peak romance and how it compares to queerbaiting please 🙏 🙏 🙏

Hello, anon! I am very genuinely happy that my rambling thoughts interest you in any way (because I have a lot of thoughts) so here is my analysis as promised. It is veeeery long (almost 2k), sorry about that but I’ve really been looking forward to talking about this for a very long time. In the end, it isn’t so much about how Wangxian is peak romance and more about the censorship and how it compares to queerbaiting, I may have to do another post about that later on. Without much further ado, here it is!

The Untamed’s tasteful censorship vs. BBC Merlin’s queerbaiting and why I prefer one over the other.

I know most people follow this blog for Merlin and believe me when I say that I love this show more than I can say because it has quite literally changed my life. But The Untamed has opened my mind to a whole new world (insert Aladdin’s A Whole New World here) and it has given me a lot of perspective on a lot of things.

I often joke with my friends saying that my first consideration when choosing a new show to watch is saying “is it gay?” which is not far from the truth, but it’s also not the complete story. What I mean is that I ask myself “does this show have a relationship that I think is worth getting invested in?”. Yes, t usually happens that those are not heterosexual romances, but what can I say, I’m queer and I like my emotional support fictional characters to be so too. This is the exact reasoning that led me to Merlin. I saw a couple of videos about them on youtube and immediately found their dynamic compelling and their story beautifully tragic. But like with most shows these days, the writers failed (among other things) to make their relationship explicit. This has happened with every show I watched after Merlin too; The Witcher, Sherlock and Good Omens being the most notable ones. 

You can argue if they are or are not queerbaiting, I at least think Good Omens isn’t, but again, it is pretty subjective.

But i had grown so accustomed to this type of media that I fully went into The Untamed expecting something similar.

And oh boy was I wrong.

Now, the case of The Untamed is a curious one because it is supposed to be a love story between two men due to being based on a BL novel, but because of censorship, it had to be very toned down. I found this out right before actually watching the show while doing some preliminary research and while it did change my thought on what I was getting into I truly thought they would just erase the entire relationship and try to hide it behind straight relationships like in most other shows I had watched.

But that was absolutely not the case, to my endless relief and joy.

But how? How did they get away with censoring all the explicit aspects of a romantic relationship while still managing to tell a wonderful love story? And how does this compare to the queerbaiting of a show like Merlin?

Warning: I will be using different parts of both shows and probably some of the MDZS novel to illustrate my point, so there will be spoilers.

The initial accidental chemistry + innuendos vs. The establishment of the very clear enemies to friends to lovers trope

I’m going to use Merlin to compare and contrast this because it’s what I know best and the other show I've given a lot of thought to.

Merthur and Wangxian are both similar and different dynamics in the way they’re written and it was one of the things that drew me into The Untamed in the first place. Both stories begin with our main duo meeting and instantly disliking each other, ending up in a fight. And while they both set the story up to lead to a more intimate bond being created between the pairs, there’s something very different from the start.

Merthur is deliberately set up to be a close friendship and all innuendos and chemistry are accidental (in my opinion and only at the start). Let me explain.

The concept for Merlin clearly started with the idea of how the story would change if Merlin was a young boy arriving in Camelot instead of an old powerful sorcerer. Then they made the main plot to be his destiny/friendship with the young and arrogant Prince Arthur. I truly believe that the first innuendos were not what they intended and that all chemistry and sexual tension between the characters comes courtesy of Colin and Bradley and how undeniably good they look on screen together. Fans then started speculating (as we always do) and then the production team decided to run with it, making it almost a recurring joke when it shouldn’t have been. Had they treated that developing relationship seriously like what they were hinting it was, the show would have been very different.

The Untamed on the other hand, is everything but accidental. What they’re doing is deliberately establishing the enemies to friends to lovers trope from the very beginning. It’s not an accident that during their first fight on the roof of the Cloud Recesses Wei Wuxian tells Lan Wangji that women would find his true character very disappointing and that no one would want to marry him. he says so several times in fact and this is clearly both to highlight the change in their relationship as well as to say that Lan Wangji is not at all interested in the opinion of any female (or anyone besides Wei Wuxian for that matter). This is the same stuff we see in mainstream straight romances: one of the characters saying something to the effect of “who would want to date them?” only to end up involved with the other at the end of the story.

You could argue that Merlin does something similar with the conversation between Merlin and Kilgharrah where Merlin is affronted by the idea of having to help Arthur where he says “There must be another Arthur because this one’s an idiot...If someone wants to kill him, they can go right ahead. In fact, I’ll give them a hand.” but the difference between these two is that Merlin is hiding behind the guise of destiny and friendship to make these parallels while Wangxian is deliberately and clearly in a romantic context.

The deliberate continuation of the subtext vs. The suggestion of something more

The accidental nature of the subtext doesn’t last long and in true BBC fashion, it turns into full-on queerbaiting real fast. Again, you can argue endlessly about when the deliberately suggestive comments start, but by the end of the show, we know for a fact the entire production staff and even the staff were aware of the effect and reception their show was having. This was no longer an innocent mistake on people reading too much into it, it was a very purposeful narrative that they were pushing without ever truly committing to it. This is what got fans going crazy over “poetry” or lines like “you’re the only friend I have and I couldn’t bear to lose you”. These are all very intentional choices they made to keep their devoted fanbase interested and while we’re all very thankful for this material it really keeps us wondering what it could have been if they had taken that extra step.

The Untamed can’t take that step because of the censorship laws, but it’s still much more daring than Merlin ever was. While Merlin keeps the soulmate aspect of the Merthur relationship a suggestion, The Untamed outright says it, which was baffling to me. It even does it at a pint where the first kiss happened in the novel, which you would think makes it less romantic. But that's absolutely not the case because of both the non-consensual nature of that original kiss and because of how heartbreakingly beautiful the replacement scene is. Not only that, but they also keep all the elements you could expect to see in any pre-relationship stage of a developing romance story: endless amounts of mutual pining, not-really-unrequited love, jealousy, panicking at the sight of your crush (yes I’m looking at you 15-year-old Lan Wangji) and even some fun in vino veritas moments. They even have a son together! It doesn’t get more clear than that!

This is all the way the show has of suggesting something more without outright saying (even though it’s a pretty not subtle way of suggesting it).

Merlin, on the other hand, keeps trying to deny the romantic nature of the Merthur dynamic, which brings me to my next point.

The introduction of a female love interest as an excuse vs. The awareness that the audience understands the relationship in the way it's meant to be

Now, this one really bugs me, because of all the ways they could have done this they truly chose the worst and destroyed Gwen’s character in the process. 

In my opinion, the writers could have done a few different things. They could have fully developed the Merthur relationship as a romantic one while keeping Gwen’s role as a queen and creating a much more satisfying character arch for her, maybe even getting her together with Morgana or Lancelot. They could have focused on the Awen romance and therefore lowered the suggestions of romance between Merlin and Arthur, once again creating a much more enjoyable subplot for Gwen, though it could have also meant sacrificing the very powerful bond between the main characters. They could have even taken advantage of Gwen’s crush on Merlin in the first season and gone on the full-on polyamory direction! That would have been much better! Instead, they halfassed the romance between Arthur and Gwen and made it just...meh. Not that Angel and Bradley didn’t do a great job, it was more of a writing problem than a them problem.

The Untamed (despite the rumours and possibilities of a Wen Qing/Wei Wuxian relationship) decided to just run with the not really platonic relationship between Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian, making them the complete focus of the story while still upholding the censorship laws. What I think the biggest difference between the two shows is, is that one runs on assuming the audience is stupid while the other one assumes the audience is smart.

Let me explain once more.

The Merlin writers clearly thought that by introducing Gwen as the love interest to Arthur he would just become what? Magically straight? As if we hadn’t seen the last four seasons of sexual tension between him and Merlin? The audience was not fooled for the most part, but some people did fall for this, coming with the argument “But he’s married to Gwen so he’s straight!” as if being gay or straight are the only two possibilities but oh well.

The Untamed does quite the opposite. It relies on the fact that the audience is going to catch onto the romantic aspect of the narrative without them actively saying anything because we are Not Dumb. It also does something that I think is quite beautiful which is leaving it up for interpretation as far as whether it’s platonic or not and even more touching is the way the story has resonated with the ace community (that is according to what I’ve seen, please do correct me if I’m wrong) by focusing on their emotional and intellectual connection instead of in their physical and sexual one.

This is why, in the end, I prefer what I call The Untamed’s tasteful censorship over Merlin and other shows’ blatant queerbaiting.

I feel the need after all of this to state that Merlin is still my favorite show of all time and that this is not by any means me saying that Merlin is absolute trash or something like that. There’s also a lot more that I think can be said in this conversation, so please feel free to tell me what you think and if you’ve ever encountered something similar to this.

Also, if I made any mistakes or wrong points, please don’t be shy about telling me!

I hope this rant was at least somewhat interesting and that you found it satisfactory, anon!

[neriad13]

Favorite Media of 2020!

There was a large swathe of this year during which I was unable to concentrate on reading (as there probably was for a lot of other typically-frequent readers), so, as a result, I ended up listening to way more podcasts and watching way more TV shows. Not a bad thing, but boy did I read way less books than usual. 

However, for the first time in a while, the amount of fiction I read was about equal with the amount of nonfiction I read. Last year’s reading resolution was to read more fiction, so...success??

I did read a lot of phenomenal fiction when I had the energy to do so this year.

Books - Fiction

The Martian - Andy Weir

This book is the hardest of the hard sci fi I think I’ve ever read. Every single aspect of it is minutely researched and calculated. The author literally wrote equations to write this book. The science is insanely impressive and yet...it never loses its sense of humor or humanity in the mix. In fact, they’re the thing that drives the entire story.

Warlock Holmes - G. S. Denning

Way early in the year I was strolling down the fantasy aisle at the library, when this cover caught my eye. I took one look at it, went “oh, this looks silly” and...proceeded to devour the entire series in a matter of weeks. 

It is very silly. Especially when it’s pointing out something that was silly in the original. There’s something so satisfying about Watson immediately answering Holmes with the correct number of steps in their flat when he’s trying to make his point about how most people don’t pay attention to things like that.

World War Z - Max Brooks

Every single scenario in here could easily support an entire book. A park ranger whose job it is to contain the yearly zombie spring thaw? HECK YES. I’d read tens of thousands of words about that. A Chinese admiral who defaults, steals the government’s premier submarine, loads it up with the families of his underlings and takes to the sea for years to live in the maritime economy that has sprung up in a world where everyone is trying to escape the shore? That could be an entire movie on its own. 

Every chapter was more creative than the last and as a huge worldbuilding fan, this book was so, so fun.

An Unkindness of Ghosts - Rivers Solomon

In which a queer, neurodivergent protagonist solves a mystery on a spaceship which is a microcosm of antebellum era politics! This had a beautiful, mysterious, wonder-inducing writing style and it was a joy to peer into the wildly differing minds of every single character.

Books - Nonfiction

Underland - Robert MacFarlane

In every chapter, the author visits a different hole. Basically.

It’s an exploration of caves, catacombs, mines, nuclear waste facilities and the hidden underbelly of every forest. It was fascinating. And fundamentally changed how I look at time.

Rejected Princesses - Jason Porath

After years of having enjoyed the web entries, I finally got my hands on the first book and was not disappointed. 

There are the more entertaining entries, of course and the art is as charming as always, but what struck me the most were the more difficult stories. The deeper you go into this book, the more horrific it gets. The author does not hold back on the indignities suffered by the historical figures he writes about. It’s terrible...but also very, very illuminating.

The Gift of Fear - Gavin De Becker

This book - while maintaining all the essential information in it - could be pared down to one sentence in a sea of blank pages and that sentence would be: trust your instincts. End of story.

But in a world where instincts are either customarily suppressed or going haywire, it’s not quite that easy, which is why I’m glad there is more to the book.

I picked it up thinking “ha ha, betcha can’t help a person with anxiety who fears all the time already” and...what it actually ended up doing was giving me the tools to differentiate between real fear and unfounded fear. And did help with the anxiety quite a bit.

Fanfiction

Watch Over Me - cakeisatruth

A Bioshock fic from the point of view of a little sister who is learning how to trust and be an ordinary child again. Dark and sweet. An excellent combo.

All That is Visible - Ultima_Thule

An exploration of a minor character in a well researched historical context? That’s my jam! How did they know?? A Tron fic about what it’s like to be a female programmer in the 70s.

Graphic Novels

The Adventure Zone - McElroys + Carey Pietsch

Yesssssssss! It was a running-to-the-library type event whenever my library got a new volume in. The jokes are so good, the art is so lively and the ways in which they added the details that the podcast couldn’t necessarily get across is *mwah*

Trail of Blood - Shuuzou Oshimi

Hoooooooly shit, the art style of this one!! It’s beautifully detailed and expressive, sure, but the real draw for me was how it changes with the emotional state of the main character. There’s this sequence in which he’s consumed with anxiety at school and all of his classmates become blurry and unfocused, until they can’t be recognized as humans at all, that particularly sticks with me.

It’s a horror story about a kid who witnesses his loving mother push his cousin off a cliff for seemingly no reason and is then obligated by her to keep the secret, which is eating him from the inside out. It’s so good, guys, please read it.

Level Up - Gene Lien Yang/Thien Pham

A story about a kid who is haunted by his late father’s desire for him to become a gastroenterologist. It’s funny and touching and the ending gave me what I can only describe as a feeling of exhilaration. Y’know that feeling when something unexpected but not out of left field, perfectly in tune with the narrative arc and gut bustingly funny happens, all in the same panel? That one.

Film

Searching

This is a fairly standard thriller about a dad trying to find out what happened to his missing daughter. It’s also found footage...but not in the usual way, which was what made it so compelling to me. It’s told through the dad’s phone calls, google searches, social media interactions, news footage, security cameras and webcams. It was such a cool way to tell a story.

Train to Busan

There’s a lot that’s already been said about this movie and I don’t think there’s much more I can meaningfully add to that. Suffice to say that ya gotta take care of each other if you’re going to survive a zombie apocalypse!!

TV Series

My Brother’s Husband

As close to a perfect adaptation as a person can get (barring the entire conversation in English which was...oof). I was so happy when they took it a step further and showed Kana and Yaichi actually getting to meet Mike’s family.

Zumbo’s Just Desserts

I watched a lot of baking shows this year. Like...a lot. They were my much-needed comfort viewing for the year and this one was my favorite, even over The Great British Baking Show (which I LOVE). Why? Because the pastry chef for whom it’s named makes such bizarre and wonderful desserts and fosters an environment in which the competitors do the same. I’ve never seen anything like a lot of the desserts that make an appearance on this show. Every single episode was an awesome surprise and so help me, this show had better get a third season.

She-ra and the Princesses of Power

There’s also a lot that’s been said about this one, so I won’t say much more. Suffice to say: DAMN. That’s how you do an 80s toy tie-in cartoon remake.

Infinity Train

This show’s premise is probably the most unique I’ve seen in recent years. Its balance of comedy, horror and existential dread is also *mwah* I also love how much it trusts the viewer to figure things out on their own.

Primal

A late entry sliding in before the year ends! I finally got to watch the second half of the first season last weekend and it was EXCELLENT. The pacing, the brutal fight scenes, the adorable dinosaur antics, the animation, the quiet moments - *mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah*

The most emotional moment for me was the part in which the protagonists watch, with sorrow, as the rabid dinosaur who’s been trying to kill them all night dies an excruciating death.

Also it sets up a fascinating new plotline right before ending in a cliffhanger!! Another one for the ‘had better get a next season’ list.

Games

Night in the Woods

This is one that’s been on my to play list for a few years and I was so glad I finally got my hands on it. It’s like...The Millennial Experience (TM), the game. I felt so seen, playing it. The character writing was fantastic.

Prey

I don’t know why I put off finishing this for so long. I guess I wasn’t in the right alien killing headspace for a while?? Anyway, the setting is gorgeous, the alien biology is weird and cool, the ethics are delightfully murky and the interconnectedness of the station was really cool, especially in the OH SHIT moments at the end. 

Podcasts

The Adventure Zone

I tried to narrow this down to one favorite arc, but found that I couldn’t do it. I love Balance for its comedy and creative energy. I love Amnesty for its drama and acting. I am loving Graduation for the depth of its world and the way in which the real story behind everything that’s happened is slowly unfurling. It’s a good podcast all around.  

The Magnus Archives

Who obsessively listened to every single season while playing Minecraft in about a month? Surely not me, nooooo. Of course not.

There’s also been a lot said on this one, so I’ll keep it brief. I’ve seen things in here that I haven’t really seen elsewhere in horror. My particular favorites were the creepy psychiatric hospital in which the horror comes not from the patients, but from the denial of the doctor to believe them about their mental illnesses and every single thing related to the Anthropocene. The one with the Amazonian village made out of trash - CHILLS.

[theseerasures]

Conspicuous Media Consumption, 2020

it’s that time of year again! *saddest toot from the party horn*

for those of you just joining us: it’s a “consume a different content every week for 48 weeks of the year” challenge. for a longer explanation, check out last year’s write-up here, and as always, feel free to pop in and ask questions about any and all of this content.

(same disclaimer as last year too: content for this project ONLY here, and not certain...*looks at my billion Sad Cop Lady posts*...hyperfixations.)

(man remember when i was big into X-Men comics earlier this year? better times than these, if only because no one's discoursing about Emma Frost’s woobie/war criminal ratio anymore--her w/w, if you will)

(...i swear at one point i didn’t exclusively like platinum blondes but alas)

Bitter Root (comic, 1 issue finished 1/1/2020): still very cool on a basic concept level, but runs into the Image Comics problem of just not having enough content to keep my interest beyond that. part of that is on me, for picking it up again BEFORE the second arc rolled out, but the first five issues didn’t really follow (or resolve) any cohesive story either, so...meh.

Immortal Hulk (comic, 3 trades finished 1/17/2020): still not gonna be something i care deeply about (maybe one of Bruce’s Hulksonas dyed his hair???), but i do want to give kudos to Al Ewing for sheer consistency in terms of sustaining this level of quality storytelling month by month for more than two years now. working with the dense archive of the Hulk mythos and managing to make it interesting and thoughtful is impressive even if i personally would not expend the same effort.

Disco Elysium (game, finished 1/18/2020): honestly i should have twigged onto what this year was gonna be like when the third thing i drew from the barrel was pure uncut Eastern European flavored depression. i faintly recall people ragging on it for being pretentiously cynical, but i actually thought its core slid more towards idealism than people give it credit for. also gratified that i haven’t heard anything about Robert Kurvitz using slave labor to finish it, which is a thing we have to say about our video games now!!! fun.

Watchmen (TV, 7 episodes finished 1/27/2020): i am a fool who wants to believe in Damon Lindelof and I WAS RIGHT!!! honestly still cannot believe that he pulled off this highwire act with such deft aplomb. might be my favorite TV this year, which is a pretty high bar given how much TV i ended up watching.

On a Sunbeam (comic, finished 2/1/2020): Tillie Walden rightly deserves all the praise for inventive queer storytelling, but i will say that on reread--since i first read this as a webcomic--there ARE some issues with pacing here that clearly come from the foibles of its original intended medium. still just excellent, even if after some plot significant haircuts i was having trouble telling a few folks apart.

Lazarus (comic, 1 trade finished 2/8/2020): it’s so good and i want moooooorrrreee--though obviously Rucka and Lark have the right to take all the time they need. the newer longer issues work really well with the epic prestige drama vibes of the story! i’m into it.

The Good Place (TV, 4 seasons finished 2/18/2020): i’m gonna be super honest: i actually wasn’t a big fan of the finale, nor the last season as a whole. it felt like all of Eleanor’s flaws vanished for a majority of the season, and the Chidi-centric episode where they tried to give a legible justification for why he’s Like This was...i didn’t care for it. still, it’s so good and unique on the WHOLE that we’ll literally never get anything like this ever again, and that counts for a lot.

The Old Republic (game, finished 2/21/2020): it’s an MMO so it will never actually Be Finished so long as the servers aren’t shut down, but i caught up on the content i’d missed in the intervening months. Onslaught thus far has mostly been...kinda bland tbh; going back to Imps vs. Rebs after all the shakeups in the previous expansions feels like a waste.

High Road (album, finished 2/22/2020): someone should tell Kesha not to say that word!! otherwise i was very happy with this album, and happy FOR her even though we don’t know each other. being able to find joy again in the same genre of music you made while you were being horrifically exploited is very cool.

Young Justice (TV, 13 episodes finished 2/28/2020): given how much the middle stuff dragged--STOP KILLING YOUR HIJABI CHARACTER IN HORRIFIC WAYS--i was...actually kinda mad by how the end managed to stick the landing anyway. the day being saved by Vic’s self-acceptance and Violet’s sublime compassion was A+, and even the Brion/Tara switchup was a pleasant surprise, though it relied on me caring about Brion MUCH MORE than i actually did.

Manic (album, finished 2/29/2020): do people still care for/about Halsey? i feel like even That One Song that was on every tumblr gifset ever has kinda faded into obscurity at this point. this album was...okay. i feel like people give Halsey a pass for extremely obvious lyrical turns that they wouldn’t for other folks because of her subject material--which is fine. not really my cup of tea, but i also listened to lots of Relient K this year, so that’s probably a good thing.

Jade Empire (game, 3/10/2020): the only 3D-era Bioware game that didn’t franchise out, and for good fucking reason!!! the Orientalism and appropriation really haven’t aged well, and even beyond that the story was...standard Bioware faire. even my usual “my wife’s a bitch i love her” Bioware type didn’t do it for me, and i just ended up romancing no one. it did make me think a lot about what level of cultural borrowing is accepted nowadays, and why: people still look fondly at Avatar and talk about how ~accurate and respectful it was, for example, despite it being staffed almost entirely by white folks, and the Orientalism ALL OVER the monk class in DND is still fine for some reason.

Alif the Unseen (book, finished 3/31/2020): interesting to have read this AFTER reading The Bird King last year, because it highlights how the intervening years have shifted G. Willow Wilson’s thematic interest and improved her craft. i’m actually quite fond of how her characterization work is rougher here--Alif is extremely flawed to the point of being insufferable, but it makes his development by the end more satisfying. Dina is also just good and i love her

Baldur’s Gate (2 games, finished 5/31/2020): well, having finally finished the series i’m happy to say that it...still doesn’t really do it for me, sorry. any awesome story moments were overshadowed by the EXCRUCIATING inventory management system and the combat (i still don’t know what a THAC0 is and at this point i’m afraid to find out). these games crucially lack the Home Base that later Bioware games were so good about, and that (coupled with the huge cast of characters you can drop off and never see again) really hurts the intimacy for me. by the time we finally did get one it was the Hell Dimension in Throne of Bhaal, and i was just...trying to get through it. (yes, i did just say that about one of the most beloved expansions ever to one of the most beloved games ever.) THIS particular iteration of “my wife’s a bitch i love her” was very good, but the game wouldn’t let me romance her :(

The Underground Railroad (book, finished 6/19/2020): honestly what is there even left to say at this point! it was exactly as good as every critic on the planet said it was, even with my usual aversion to hype. draining and horrifying in turns but still insistent upon a future for Black folks.

Steven Universe (6 seasons and a mooooooviiieeee, finished 7/11/2020): yes, i DID finish the show and almost immediately begin a rewatch. this series is now one of my top five most formative things, and the amount of love and respect i have for it is incalculable. that said: i once again did not love how the central conflict of Future was resolved (just the resolution--i loved the finale just fine). for all of Steven’s breakdown was built up, resolving it with “EVERYONE HUG HIM UNTIL HE CRIES” felt...cheap, especially since up until this point the show had been so good about treating trauma and mental illness with the respect and nuance it deserves. it made me wish some of the earlier, less substantial episodes had been cut so we could spend more time at the end.

What It Is (comic, finished 8/19/2020): y’all i love Lynda Barry SO MUCH. for the longest time i was worried that One Hundred Demons was more a lightning in a bottle situation but every book of hers i pick up makes me feel obscure emotions i didn’t even realize existed. the compassionate way she’s able to describe her child self and how weird and fucked up she was (and still is) is honestly aspirational.

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (TV, 5 seasons finished 9/26/2020): so here’s a reversal of what i’ve been complaining about with other shows: i was mostly lukewarm-to-warm about She-Ra, but the later seasons and the finale made me much more into it as a whole. more shows should improve in stakes and overall quality as they age tbh!! i still don’t actively love Catradora (my sole quibble with season 5 actually has to do with the way Adora kept backsliding as a character to make certain Plot/Relationship things happen), but i’m very happy for them nonetheless. i can certainly appreciate a show that will go for High Feeling over tight plot. dark horse standout moments: trees growing everywhere proving that Perfuma Was Right, and Hordak and Adora seeing each other--that weirdly intimate moment of recognition.

Fetch the Bolt Cutters (album, finished 10/7/2020): again i find myself not having much to say that no one else has said. it’s good! once again love it when an artist reclaims something they’d attached with negative affect (anxiety, depression, disordered eating) for better and brighter things.

Solutions and Other Problems (comic, finished 10/25/2020): i was very into Allie Brosh’s ambition with this book, which feels weird to say but i stand by it. it’s cool to see an artist try to make a new medium work for them instead of just sticking to what already works. not all the experimentation was 100% effective, but it was still delightful and occasionally devastating to read, so.

Legend of Zelda (3 games: Ocarina of Time, Majora’s Mask, Link Between Worlds, finished 11/1/2020): this was the third time i’d played Ocarina of Time, which made it the nice, comforting groove i settled into before Majora’s Mask blatted me in the face. i’m not usually a completionist Zelda person because...the gameplay in Zelda is bad, do not at me it just is, but i really felt like i HAD to be one for Majora’s Mask since the whole point is to get attached to the banalities of the town. i’m sure nobody’s surprised that i loved it, even if it gave me an existential crisis about how life goes on in the game for NPCs when you’re not there to save them from it, and there’s not enough time to save them all all the time (also not a surprise to anyone: Romani and Cremia gave Personal Feelings). Link Between Worlds...bad. not like in a “this is a bad story by every measurable gauge” way, but i was already struggling with the 2D playstyle shift enough that for the whole story to end with some “yes it’s v sad that Lorule is Like This but trying to steal Hyrule’s privilege is Even Worse Actually” noblesse oblige bullshit left a VERY poor taste in my mouth, this year of all years. i did audibly gasp when Ravio took off his mask, though. i’m currently playing Breath of the Wild in cautious increments; it’s the first time i’ve enjoyed early Zelda gameplay, but if they wanted fully voiced cutscenes i wish they got voice actors who...knew what words sound like.

folklore (album, finished 11/6/2020): my belief that Taylor Swift is Just Fine continues, i’m afraid. i LIKED this album, don’t get me wrong, and respect her constant drive to innovate, but i didn’t love it substantially more or less than any other Taylor Swift album. mostly i’m just tickled by how she thinks leaning into the indie aesthetic means borrowing Vita Sackville-West’s entire wardrobe, though i will admit to feeling Something when she swore in a song. i think it was like. savage vindication?? you go ahead and swear, Taylor Swift. you deserve it.

Shore (album, finished 11/19/2020): do people still care about the Fleet Foxes? i think there was some Drama with Josh Tillman a while back but i don’t remember where the discourse landed with who was being more problematic. it was nostalgic for me to listen to their new album--made me remember being an undergrad who exclusively listened to men who mumbled and played acoustic guitar all over again.

Star Wars (3 movies: original trilogy, finished 11/27/2020): there is So Much bad Star Wars these days that every time i rewatch the original trilogy i’m afraid that they will suddenly be bad, but guess what! they’re not. i love these children and their hot mess stories, i love that Lando doesn’t know how to say his best friend’s name. what stood out to me this time was the way Obi-Wan described the Force in A New Hope, which strongly implied that ANYONE can be Force Sensitive; that obviously faded with each subsequent movie, but part of me does wish they’d kept it.

X of Swords (comics, 22 issues finished 12/5/2020): i am enjoying Hickman’s X-lines!!! not so much here for the Grand Conspiracy or whatever, but the character work and highkey weirdness is fabulous--they FEEL like X-Men, despite all the shakeups in-universe. this crossover is a nice microcosm of all that: grandiloquently all over the place, but still full of cool standout moments and genuine hilarity. ILLYANA DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO SPELL MAGIC.

Fire Emblem (4 games: Sacred Stones, Path of Radiance, Radiant Dawn, Awakening, finished 12/14/2020): this was the thing that i was closest to giving up early on, but i ended up hyperfixating on it instead. that’s a credit to what the gameplay does to my lizard brain more than anything else, because the story and character writing is...insipid. it was very bizarre to witness this franchise blunder around with its animal-people racism allegory around the same time i was getting back into RWBY, and ITS animal-people racism allegory blunders. Awakening was the first time i felt anything for the franchise beyond “teehee red units disappear make exp bar go up and brain go ding,” so i’m excited for more mature storytelling in subsequent games (they MUST get better. they MUST). the child husbandry thing is...very bad tho, and Apotheosis being “challenging” entirely through the game changing all the rules is also bad.

once again no vidya games that came out this year--i’ll probably pick up Spiritfarer or Hades after the New Year, though (or maybe TLOU II! but probably not. sry Laura and Ashley). more TV and franchises this year, which made me feel In Touch with the Children but was also kinda exhausting. nothing was so egregiously terrible i dropped it without finishing! in a year like this that feels almost like an accomplishment

[love-takes-work]

Hi everyone! I come with an encouraging message!

If you're bummed at the implications that a "loose ends wrap-up" / "epilogue" / "limited series" means the beginning of the end, you're not alone. Something you love is changing in a way you don't understand, and you've loved it so hard (and sometimes for so long) that you're not sure how to feel. You knew nothing lasts forever, and you also didn't want to think about it. On top of that, you still know so little about what's going to happen and you just want to spend more time in this world with these characters.

First: Please don't accept the snide comments you're going to get because you care about this. It's very insensitive and even cruel for people to bleat IT'S JUST A TV SHOW or accuse you of being inappropriately invested. This matters to you and it should, so don't allow the shame people will dish out to make a home in your heart and make you feel silly for your love. You love this because it's a good story. People love good stories. We live for stories and we make our own stories as we live. Our past is defined by them and our future is inspired by them.

What about the present?

Take that love (and sorrow) that you might feel, and translate it into something that also matters. Think about what this show has done for you and made you feel (and will still make you feel as an indeterminate amount of unconsumed content still exists to be shared with us!). Think about what makes you love a story, what makes you care about characters, and what you still need that you haven't received--that you want the next generation to grow up hearing.

And make some art.

If you're an artist, a writer, a musician--focus on what you can make. Even if you're not any of those things (or don't ever plan to be one in a professional capacity), use this love you feel to MAKE STUFF. If you have a project you haven't worked on for a long time, revisit it! Even if you just do ukulele covers on YouTube on your non-monetized channel, or draw sketchy fan comics, or write AU fanfic, or use the lessons in this show to write anything from thinkpieces on your blog to encouraging social media comments for your online friends. This matters, and you have something to say too. Even if it's not to a large audience. Even if it matters only to a few. What matters is mattering.

If you aspire to "one day" work on a show like SU, or have no interest in such things but want to write stories, make music, create visual art . . . think about the last thing you really thought might go somewhere, and use this as fuel to MAKE STUFF. Make stuff!

Put more joy in the world. Provide those connections that we all live for. Start a webcomic (I do a couple). Make some cute stickers or buttons to give out at your next event. Collaborate on a story with your friend or spouse or child. Answer an ad for voice talent for someone's unpaid web show. Audition for a play. Make a costume. Take an awesome photo and see where you can sell such things. Write a short story or a book. Make the next thing that will matter.

(And if you're dealing with complicated feelings at the moment and it's just not a good time, I don't mean force it out. I just want to inspire you to action when you can handle it.)

I don't talk about my life outside of fandom on this blog because playing around with cartoon stuff here was meant to be a break from all of that, so I won't go into detail, but I can tell you a little bit from experience about being a creator whose work has mattered. I sold my first book a handful of years ago and have received hundreds of personal letters from strangers about the ways in which my work has mattered. It was a little overwhelming for a while because I kept saying yes to things--you have to say yes when they ask or they might not ask again is what I figured, so for a nice chunk of time there I was saying yes to just about every interview, accepting speaking requests, attending award things, signing off on excerpt reprints, watching good news about the paperback deal and the audio deal and even (recently) my first translated edition. I was tired. I'm still tired. I've learned some things about self care, but part of that has been about enjoying my favorite show and becoming immersed as a consumer instead of a creator. Because I can't stop being me, I still ended up doing a lot of creation--amateur art, analysis, making recipes, covering songs, making fan comics--but it was still as a fan, not as the person at the helm of the whole thing.

And one of the things I have to admit is that my involvement with SU has "taken" some of my time that I could have been using to create. Nobody can be on all the time, and that's one of the reasons I was happy to justify the time and energy I've been spending on it as a form of self-care--you have to enjoy others' art if you expect to make your own. But also, as I've enjoyed it so, so much and become so enamored with everything about it, it's reminded me all along how much I love being a creator and what I love about it. How satisfying it is to matter, to speak through art, to reach people who felt like nobody ever thought about them or heard them or knew them, and what a huge impact a creator can make just by making the work that also satisfies their soul.

I've got a couple projects in development, and anytime I might feel sad about lack of new content for my favorite thing, I'll think about and work on the next book. I'll remember how rewarding it has been to create content for a largely unseen queer audience and how much someone else might need my next message. I could end up being the voice someone desperately needed--like the voice that Steven Universe was for so many people, marginalized or not. What YOU have to say is so important. Through stories and communication of so many sorts, you can be who you needed when you were younger, make connections, support others and find meaning for yourself, even just provide entertainment (which is valuable far beyond just fun!).

Let this show leave a legacy through inspiring and encouraging you. Have fun, make connections, get serious--whatever it makes you want to do. Imagine what could happen if you use how you feel to reach the next person who needs you and loves you.

Feel free to talk to me if you think I can help you. :)

[skamamoroma]

question! what would you want part.2 to be about? like what topics do you think it would touch on? and what would you /want/ them to touch on? btw thank you so much for recommending the series, me, like you, was a little hesitant bc of the 'bl' label but it's so so good, so thank you ^^

You are so welcome! ❤️

I am NOT a fan of BL genre connotations (just even learned what it is, haha, and that ain’t for me so I understand - again, if it’s someone’s thing then I don’t mean any disrespect, I just don’t think ITSAY fits and also they didn’t promote it as such, I think it was a bit obvious why). It’s a tv show. It also happens to be made by LGBT+ folks (in significant part) and is so clearly made for that audience too as well as for any audience who likes to watch coming of age stories or any extremely good storytelling etc. I didn’t even know what BL was when I watched it as a friend who doesn’t watch that stuff recommended it to me from Japan and she has excellent taste so if someone had suggested there’s a genre out there and this may be linked to it simply because it’s about two guys who happen to fall in love then I’d have thought twice too as I don’t want to watch anything created for reasons that maybe make me feel a bit uncomfortable and where the reasons behind why stuff is made is questionable. This is just a tv show, one that is respectfully made for and about lgbt+ folks - and as a piece of art and a bloody exceptional one that that! I don’t think I quite understand why mlm stories are given a genre title just because they contain those stories... it hints at being made because it has that content for a specific audience and that sits so uncomfortably with me because it seems to be straight women who want to watch two boys kissing and, yeah, no. Where is girls love? And why does any show that has a relationship between two men forced into that genre? Like, we don’t have that for other movies/tv shows, just those that fit that genre and ITSAY just doesn’t fit other than its two boys in a love story amongst other things. Queer/LGBT+ cinema or art, yes, but what I’ve learned about the bl genre doesn’t sit well...! I’m sure there are shows there which have good intentions and are respectfully done but dudeeeeee the stuff I read when someone told me what that was. Safe to say, it isn’t for me.

Anyway, I have had a few asks similar which I hadn’t replied to so felt I’d include that to yours as you mentioned it too 😂

As for Part 2. LORD. I don’t know! Knowing it was always meant to be 10 parts makes me think they have left things where they did for a reason because while it feels VERY well wrapped up as a part of a story, the arc of Teh and his dream feels unfinished if you consider that him finding his peace isn’t as final an end as you’d want. It all enough of an end for me as I never like neatly tied up endings! BUTTTT the possibilities are lovely if you consider where they could take it.

Obviously we have Teh and Oh in Bangkok for Uni but at different places which shouldn’t be too difficult for them as I understand they’re not far apart and so maybe we will get to see what Oh meant when he asked Teh not to stop competing with him? Maybe we will see how they’d navigate that now?

Will Teh still try to get into his dream Uni? Will he end up there alongside Oh or will his current place be something he loves?

Will he get to play Yongjian? The show might give us that? If so, catch me sobbing for days. Especially if Oh is watching. I shall not be able to handle the meaning behind that. Anywayyyyyy just know if that happens I’ll be sobbing on my couch.

OBVIOUSLY we have the fact that Teh is only out to Oh and his brother but doesn’t really have a true understanding of his sexuality... only that he has made peace with what he does feel. That doesn’t mean it’ll be plain sailing and easy for him, knowing how tough he finds emotion at times. He got himself this far with Oh’s help and Hoon’s support but it was messy as hell so will he be able to work the rest out gradually? Will be struggle? I think the prospect these two have as actors to make some of those scenes utterly magical is relatively unmatched. Their chemistry is genuinely insane and because of their comfort which is obvious, the chance to see Teh navigate all that is pretty likely I think. Oh is obviously your demonstrable one, the affectionate one and the one who is just so beyond worrying and questioning. Seeing his joy and wonder at holding Bas’ hand and just being so chill to like and date a boy is the way Boss the director said he wanted it... he wanted Oh to reflect modern LGBT+ teens as he wanted that for himself. So if Oh is going to remain as he has been developed so far there’s a chance there will be conflict between how Oh is and what Teh is able to do. They aren’t on the same page but they weren’t at the beginning of Part 1, and their journey was stunning as was Oh’s ability to know Teh and to be so kind and gentle with his emotions and feelings. I think if they have them both try to navigate a relationship as the director said they will... it could be done so well. We’ve seen how incredibly they managed to handle stuff so far, if it continues even close to that then that gradual progression could be beautifully done.

I kind of don’t want them to go mainstream. I desperately want them to keep it weird and unique and to keep the feel of the show from Part 1. I want Part 2 to feel as refreshing as Part 1 even if the setting may be a little more built up and city based. I want the beauty of THAT shown and the possibilities are endless if they keep thinking out of the box and I have a lot of faith.

One thing I really really really want is them to back to Phuket just once! Either have it start there or for them to go back at some point. I think they will. If they need resonant moments or want Sui, Hoon and Tuty involved then I’d like to think their homes would be involved but especially because I kind of want their beach or some of their spots to feature. I’m so fond of Teh’s room (and his beautiful rug) with his Yongjian picture, of their beach, of Oh’s sweeping staircase, of Sui’s restaurant, of the royal carriage full of coconuts, of Tuty, of the temple... I don’t need them to be there long, I just want it to feature! 🤞🏼

I also just hope they keep the same level of depth. The amount of thought and meaning they placed behind EVERYTHING is nothing short of breathtaking and noticeable and it made the viewing experience so completely moving. It’s like the detail required to pull of the pay off for the colouring scene without a single word being spoken about hibiscus flowers really... or for the Male Protagonist moment to mean so so so much for so many reasons. That type of story telling is my absolute weakness so I want them to find their own ways to tell this part of the story with that same approach. Knowing the first director Boss (who is just so so lovely and damn talented) is producing and also partially writing (and being LGBT+ himself it makes me feel comfortable the level of respect will be there still) and also that the same main producer is still there... alongside one of the original writers. All combined, the potential is ridiculous and with BK and PP, they may be complete rookies but Jesus Mary and Joseph... I have absolutely zero concern.

So yeah, many thoughts! I’m pretty happy for them to absolutely destroy my emotions again. I struggle to see how anything could match Part 1 but I’m 100% up for them having a decent go at it 😂 and if they pull it off again, well, again, you’ll find me sobbing on my couch.

Also, GIVE ME ANOTHER SCORE AND SOUNDTRACK. Have BK sing all the damn songs.

[fvckyouimaprophet]

FanFic asks! F, G, H, I, K, M, O, P, R, S, T, W, X, and Y!

omg, ash! ily! you always send me so many, and i appreciate it so much. since this is dreadfully long, though, i’m gonna put it under a read-more.

F: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

I shared one already here. But I’ll share another, ha.

He followed them through the kitchen and past the study until he saw two silhouettes in the balcony. They were speaking at no louder than a whisper, but Harry and his mother stood a foot apart, their faces barely lit by the embers of their cigarettes.

“I’m worried that it’ll be more difficult than either of us can imagine.” Harry’s voice was low enough that Draco had to strain to hear. His heart felt tight in his chest as he took shallow breaths, afraid that anything too deep might give him away to them.

“Whatever it is, he can take it.” Narcissa stretched her arm out and tapped the cigarette holder, ashes falling beyond the balcony to the grounds beneath.

“You don’t know that.”

“I do.”

“How?”

“Because he has to. He has no other choice.” His mother’s typically stiff posture wavered, and Harry lifted his hand, moving carefully and slowly until it was on top of Narcissa’s, both of them clutching the balcony rail.

“I’ll take care of him.”

“I know.”

- - -

I really enjoy writing Harry and Narcissa, both strangers who have taken leaps of faith to trust one another, tied together by their love for Draco.

Generally, I find Narcissa difficult to write. She’s formal and stiff, and the way she shows affection isn’t straightforward. But you do her a diservice if you don’t acknowledge that beneath the straight face and put-upon manners, she has the capacity to love deeply and fiercly.

G: Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order?

I answered that here.

I: Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)?

Nah. I’m less of a reader than a writer of fic, but I’m actually pretty open about it. Obviously, not with everyone, but I think I’ve been more open than most with it since high school. My parents found out when I was like 16, and after they just kinda shrugged it off, I stopped being secretive about it, lol.

K: What’s the angstiest idea you’ve ever come up with?

God, as a teen, all I did was write angst. Most of it was pretty offensive in retrospect, so let’s go down that memory lane. 

I had the fic where Blaine and Sebastian get kidnapped and drugged, and Blaine thinks he and Sebastian fall in love over the course of months, but he finds out (once he’s rescued) that Sebastian was dead the whole time.

There’s the Niff fic with early-onset Alzheimer's, which is just about as tasteful as you’re imagining.

One of my first 10 fics was a Draco/Blaise fic in which they're in an emotionally (and physically I think?) abusive relationship in which Blaise uses Draco for sex.

There are at least 10 other fics that were illness-based, involved kidnapping, use the "it was all in [character a’s] head” trope, or feature major character death.

And then there are the additional 10+ fics that are just break-up or post-break-up fics.

M: Got any premises on the back burner that you’d care to share?

I have a multichap Cheryl/Toni (Riverdale) fake dating AU that will eventually come to fruition—I hope. 

Essentially, there’s a yearly exclusive senior soiree across all sororities, and although Cheryl gets invited, the rules have been changed to be couples only. She’s furious because 

She’s been hooking up with a few women. The one she jives with the most is Toni, but they’re not exactly close friends. They start fake dating, but the woman organizing the event doesn’t believe them and is threatening to revoke Cheryl’s invitation.

As a response, Cheryl decides that they have to spend way more time together to make it realistic. They both complain that it’s interfering with their lives, but after Cheryl catches Toni at a club with another woman, she realizes that she’s oddly jealous (although she disguises it under the guise of being angry that Toni almost blew their cover).

By the time the event comes around, they’ve genuinely fallen in love, but because they’re both stubborn, they try to go back to how they were after it’s over. They’re both miserable with it and eventually admit their feelings.

O: How do you begin a story–with the plot, or the characters?

I answered that here.

P: Are you what George R. R. Martin would call an “architect” or a “gardener”? (How much do you plan in advance, versus letting the story unfold as you go?)

I answered that here.

R: Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence?

Tony Kushner and Oscar Wilde. I aspire to their level of banter. Also, with Kushner, he’s really great at dropping you in the middle of a relationship (romantic or platonic) and just having you feel the weight of everything that came before you. Just one line, and I’m unraveling. I want to be able to do that.

Otherwise, it kinda changes with the times. When I was younger, it was more lyrical authors. I’m more dialogue-driven now, so it’s occasionally playwrights, but mostly it’s something that’s concise yet still emotional/descriptive.

I don’t think I emulate it at all with fic, but The Great Gatsby is the platonic ideal of writing for me. It’s evocative (the scene with the curtains wafting while Daisy and Jordan smoke opium puts me in a trance!), subtle and intentional (the queer subtext in the elevator scene), and it doesn’t ever linger in a moment for too long.

S: Any fandom tropes you can’t resist?

I answered that here.

T: Any fandom tropes you can’t stand?

I answered that here (in great depth, lol).

W: Do you like more general prompts or more specific ones?

Hmm, I enjoy a good mix of both. I always end up getting more into specific prompts than I think I will, and it allows me to write stuff I likely wouldn’t otherwise. But I enjoy the freedom that comes with a prompt that’s just like “Wolfstar coffee shop AU”.

That said, when it is specific, I don’t really want to be told what the begnining, middle, and end of my fic should be. I’m cool with a specific set-up, but unless I ever did a giveaway, I want the room to make my own choices within it.

X: A character you enjoy making suffer.

I like a lot of asshole men (Draco from Harry Potter, Sebastian from Glee, Connor from HTGAWM, etc). I feel like I make them suffer a lot, which is partially because they deserve it because they can be selfish, callous, and even occasionally cruel (also, Draco was a wizard Nazi, basically). But it’s also because I really enjoy seeing closed-off characters pushed into situations where they have to confront their emotions and are essentially forced into vulnerability. 

All that said, while I’ve stayed away from angst lately, Sirius and Remus lend themselves so easily to heartache.

Y: A character you want to protect.

All women—whoops. Most female characters are treated awfully by fandom, and I just want to see them happy. Especially if I’m writing something sapphic, those communities are already so much smaller within most fandoms, so I’d rather just focus on their joy. For example, Luna/Ginny is a relatively popular sapphic HP fic, but it has only 2,035 works on AO3, whereas Wolfstar has 18,646, and Drarry has a whopping 42,158.

And while there are popular fics (for example, Clexa has 11,884, Swan Queen has 12,709, and Supercorp has has 13,708 works on AO3), those are few and far between.) 

Even looking from it as a whole, there are 3,194,665 m/m works and 563,043 w/w fics. Nearly six times the amount!! It's just a bummer.

Anyway, this turned into a rant about something that’s so not the question.

Also, when I wrote Coliver a lot, the answer was Oliver.

[merrysithmas]

you may have talked about this before but do you believe boris already knew he was queer and first approached theo bc he liked him or that he started crushing after they developed a close friendship and theo was what made him question his sexuality? i think theres reasons to believe either side- boris being bold enough to cuddle him in bed seems like he was making a move but him suddenly “loving” kotku seems like an impulsive move out of fear bc he realized he might like a boy. oof idk

I think Boris knew he was attracted to boys — which is evident by his playful, charming, almost teenaged-desperate pursuit of Theo. I think he probably inherently knew this about himself for a long time. I think Boris has always been physically attracted to boys since he’s entered puberty and since he’s still a young teen it is kind of a fun, funny, interesting, enlivening thing for him.

He’s never had a stable life and despite being all over the world he’s led an extremely sheltered existence in a certain way with only one terrible person as his constant (Vladimir). Boris lets it slip to Theo that everywhere the miners go they are hated — this includes Boris. Boris is hated by the public everywhere they go. So long as he is part of their unit, he is hated. That is mortifying to intelligent good-natured Boris. That is why he learns to slip out and around, to be so personable and friendly. His world travels have not been so glorious but probably rather extremely lonely and isolating (as with Judy in Canada), hurtful, and damaging. That is why Bami and Judy (and eventually, Theo) stand out to him so much — people who were kind to him in a childhood of isolated misery and directionlessness. Boris has no moral hang ups about his same-sex attraction - why should he? This directionlessness in his key developmental years is also a good thing: He never grew up around any sort of organized belief systems or stayed bound within an orthodox culture for too long for it to indoctrinate him as its own.

I think people really underestimate how incredibly remote and friendless Boris’ life must have been. Boris is a cheerful boy who Theo says is often plagued by black moods and sullen attitudes. He is an abused and secluded child dragged from location to location with literally no love or stability and constantly brutally beaten to the point where it does not even phase him. Boris actually equates love with that abuse — and nonchalantly claims his father loves him. That is painful to read, that amount of damage.

Living with a bunch of derelict miners whose leader was HIS FATHER (so surely then mostly assholes) and who are “hated everywhere they go” Boris has probably seen any NUMBER of things a conservative-minded person would (likely often erroneously) see as “morally unacceptable” — it’s like Boris is traveling the world with a crew of pirates. He’s probably seen drinking, all kinds of drugs commonly used in front of his face. He has esoteric knowledge about drug use that a child of his age should not — so he was taught by the miners: roll like this, dont include the stems, never mix this, tuck snuff like this, you can get this kind of drug here here and here, it isn’t safe if it doesn’t look like this. His young child’s mind eager to learn sucked up this black information from men who probably didn’t have a second thought to a child or what his developmental needs were. He’s probably first hand witnessed sex workers copulating with his father’s crew (how else would be have learned about the opportunity to lose his virginity in an Alaskan parking lot to a sex worker?), definitely thievery, and said he saw his father murder a man in the mine once and cover it up. Boris’ mind is full of a lifetime of this morally shadowed behavior being presented as normal, or at least secret but common.

I think he understands his attraction to boys in this same way. I think he feels it isn’t “appropriate” to share with Outsiders but it is something that Happens, something that is no one’s business but his own, and something that brings him pleasure and happiness and therefore something he will look for. However he knows it isn’t common or visible or “appropriate” to be showy about it in front of others — especially not people who could judge him (kids at school), kick him out (society), or hurt him (his father). Boris treats his attraction to Theo like his other vices and “bad” habits - barrels head first — but secret: deep dive into happy drug use (but don’t show his dad), steals everything he ever needs (but don’t let them see, put it in my coat), lies when it suits him (lies to Xandra and Larry and his father and Theo too), happily sleeps with Theo and has sex with him (but this is between you-and-me).

He knows other people might have a problem with his actions — but he does not. So that’s his hangup there. He is aware of and ever-vigilant of his surroundings. School: a safe place isolated from his father. He is free and happy to do what he wants at school — including crush on and go after Theo who he clearly likes. He thinks Theo is cute, flirts with him, tries to get him to notice him, talks to him after class, sits next to him on the bus, begs him to come over his house, tries to impress him with far-flung stories, gives him alcohol because it’s what he’s seen his father’s men do in pursuit of romantic partners or as a bonding ritual with one another.

Theo’s house is also a safe place. So safe in fact that Boris starts to leave behind some of the maladjusted development of his childhood and become more of a happy, clear-minded person. Boris and Theo suffer from arrested development and one of themes of the book is childhood lost. They are forced to mimic adults either knowingly or unknowingly, and act in ways that children should not have to in order to survive this Adult World alone. With one another they begin to heal from their traumas, their affection for one another the catalyst. Theo cooks for him, talks to a babbling eager-to-talk Boris (imagine how few people have listened to or understood the ideas of a smart boy like Boris, often surrounded by oafish alcoholics, his violent father where he is expected to keep quiet, or cultures where he does not speak the language), Theo sleeps next to him willingly, he likes Boris, a boy from New York (the top of the world!) he think Boris is funny and smart and worldly, shares his dog with him, hangs on his words, becomes his companion, cares for him if he drinks too much, tried to tend his wounds, welcomes him gratefully into his broken family, watches his favorite movies with him, celebrates holidays with him, inherently values him — and so starts to mend Boris’ broken heart.

A lot of things and viewpoints Boris has are clearly repetitions of things he has heard his father or the miners say — “Christmas is for children” (of course they’d say that to a tiny Boris longing for the magic of Christmas as a child stuck in a mining camp watching the peripheral joy of children around him and coming back to bleak hunger and a dark home), or “god yes I loved having sex with her” (about his hooker in the parking lot — Boris then says he knew she didn’t enjoy it and never shows enjoyment but rather avoidance towards women and girls in any genuine way afterwards, yet covets Theo’s physical company).

Theo on the other hand, who for a short while and then so painfully ripped from him, grew up with love. His natural disposition in Vegas comes from a place of being so recently loved and cherished by his mother and he here, in this lonely place, turns the focus of this disposition onto the one person who is kind and protective towards him: Boris — his one light in a life that has turned very dark. This is like an alien world to Boris. Lonesome and neglected Boris is touched and startled and soon changed by this kindness. So much so that Theo, unknowingly, alters the rest of Boris’ life (Boris feels Theo saved his life).

So that is why I believe the Kotku Gay Panic came about. After their climactic Vegas pool scene where their abuse and trauma is opened to one another (their wounds from their fathers, from fire, literally pouring into the purifying chlorine of the watery womb - mother - pool as they try to drown one another, angry at their attraction to one another, but then cling to and save one another instead) Boris begins to not just have fun and have sex and have freedom with Theo (all okay things by Boris’ standards as long as it is secret) — after that scene and they sleep together and Boris satisfies that teenaged human sexual need... they continue to hookup and be at bliss for a very long, happy time where they both begin to psychologically heal— Boris doesn’t just have sex and fun with Theo, he realizes he starts to love Theo.

Love - an extremely foreign concept to Boris who literally freaks the fuck out because he has no baseline for it. It isn’t the type of “love” that his father gives him (violent, untrustworthy), it isn’t the type of “love” the men who grew up around valued (cheap parking lot sex), it isn’t the kind of “love” his idol Larry has with Xandra (Larry lies to Xandra all the time), it isn’t the kind of “love” Boris has seen in his favorite movies (men and women over and over). No, this love with Theo is very very scary to him. Very perhaps dangerous. He doesn’t know.

I think Boris accepts his physical attraction to men as nbd. I think he probably feels most people feel such attractions or some other harmless private desires that certain people may see as an aberrant from “normal” for whatever reason (either typical kinks and silly hush hush sex shop porno stuff - or other far more despicable things he’s witnessed his father’s men do) and so thinks nothing of his own innocent, consensual goodtime-centered desires. Boris, who likely grew up with little exposure to healthy LGBTQ representation and has a very isolated POV in some ways, likely to some degree at the Vegas point in his life (however casually self-accepting he is) equates same-sex attraction with hush hush taboo sex activities — nothing to be ashamed of, but you’re not going to tell your dad.

As long as it is a personal thing, for him only, Boris embraces it. But it is the emotionality, the healing, the care, the love that freaks Boris out and makes him make a run for it to Kotku — only to recede to what he knows and repeat the exact kind of fake “love” he was taught by his father: unbelievable exclamations of devotion (Boris’ dad sobbing and telling him he loves him + “I love her I love her! She’s beautiful and perfect!”) coupled with the black truth (Boris’ dad beating the shit out of him + Boris beating Kotku).

Boris knows he likes boys but when he starts to love one — that’s when he runs away. Because that means something totally different: societally and personally.

[seventeendeer]

Top 5 western animated shows?

it would be infinitely easier to make a top 20 since there are tons of cartoons I love with my whole heart, but these are my favorites at the moment!

1. Steven Universe

SU is one of my absolute favorite stories of all time! it’s so special and different from anything else I’ve seen. the characters are so fantastically complex, and it has a really special mood to it. the art style and the music, including the songs, are just so good and bring peace to my soul … I also love a story that’s got plenty to teach its audience, and SU talks about so many important topics with so much gentleness and grace. I also have much respect for the crew for fighting so hard to include queer characters and winning so spectacularly, for someone like me who grew up having to dig out queer subtext in the cartoons I watched so I could see myself in them, SU is just really special. I don’t think anything can ever really replace this show in my heart and knowing it’s on its last stretch is difficult to deal with … but I understand that the story is almost complete and it’s best to let it end the way the crew wants it to. regardless, I’ll always be thankful that I got to see it unfold in real time. the heart and care that went into creating it inspires me to apply that same kind of care to my own art and stories.

2. Ducktales 2017

this is a relatively new obsession for me compared to the others, but this show is like?? actually friggin fantastic and I adore it? it started out strong, but mid-season 2 is where I really got into it and understood what it had been building up to this whole time. I feel like DT17 is what happens when incredibly talented fanfic writers get to participate in an IP they love - it takes the thing it’s based on and remixes it so the narrative is much more interesting and more coherent, has much tighter characterization and goes much deeper into the source material than its ‘canon’ ever did. while I grew up with the extended duck canon in my periphery, I was never all that into it, even when I was a kid (aside from Darkwing Duck. holy shit ya’ll. that show is still so good even now), but this new version is just so masterfully reworked that it totally stole my soul. the creators clearly love the material they’re basing their story on, which also gives it a really special feeling. you can sense how much love goes into the story and characters. it’s also genuinely super, super funny! plus, it’s got some of the absolute best comedic female characters I’ve seen in a cartoon for kids, which says something when you consider the canon it’s based on. I’ve got so much respect for all the work the creators have poured into making a funnier, kinder, shinier version of something they love, and I am h y p e d for season 3!!!

3. Wander Over Yonder

this show is so simple, but it is an absolute masterpiece in its genre! it’s one of the series I’ve rewatched the most in recent years because it’s got such fantastic rewatch value. the comedy is delightfully stupid, the world is peak creative, the small recurring cast is wonderfully faceted, and the animation … so amazing … I genuinely have no clue how the crew managed to have consistently stunning animation on a tv show like this, but man, they really did it. of course, like every other WOY fan, my righteous fury shall never be quelled until the series finally gets its third and final season, BUT aside from that this show brings me nothing but joy!

4. Gravity Falls

ANOTHER CLASSIC ... I watched this show when it was first airing and I was following along with everyone’s theories, and it was such an exciting experience! the amount of detail in this show is awesome, you can really tell the creators were putting a lot of stuff in there based on what they would’ve found cool when they were kids and it gives the series a really authentic feeling. I also feel like GF has one of the absolute best series finales out of any of the tv shows I’ve watched - the culmination of all the characters’ arcs, the consequences of what the villain has been building to, and the emotional/happy but also a little bittersweet ending really made the story. it’s always one of the first series I recommend to folks wanting to watch more cartoons.

5. Adventure Time

a classic! this show has really, really grown on me over its many seasons. I loved that it continued to build its world and develop its characters even all the way up until the last few episodes, it makes the story feel so real. the many different relationships between the different characters were my favorite part, especially Finn and Jake remaining brothers and best friends even as they learned more about themselves individually, Princess Bubblegum and Marceline slowly putting their relationship back together, and seeing Marceline reconnect with Simon. Simon’s story in general broke my heart and then stuck it back together with glitter glue lol. all these characters are wonderful. I think the middle of the series was unfortunately a little weak (it seems to have staggered a bit after Rebecca Sugar left to create Steven Universe), but I think it found its footing again for real in season 7+ and I’m glad it stuck around long enough to get a lovely ending!

[drskitbug]

yooo tagged by @nephritee​ 

Rules: answer some questions and tag some bloggers you want to know better

Name: Spade’s the name, but folks call me Skittles online 

Nicknames: I got a good amount of ‘em, but the most used ones gotta be Skittles and Bee. Spade is kinda nickname but eh

Gender: Nonbinary, non-bee-nary if you will

Sexuality: I’m not too big on labels, so queer, gay what have you.  

Height: About 5′4″ish I believe

Languages: English, that’s all. French if you count a two year education in highschool, didn’t get much further than “je m'appelle spade, comment allez-vous?” and the wack number system of quartre-vingt-cinq, but it was a very fun language to learn for that short period, my favorite word has to be “oiseau” it means bird but it sounds like “wazoo!”

Nationality: American

Current time: 12:17pm babey

Favorite season: Fall, I gotta admit I love chilly seasons. I love sweaters and such, I still wear them during the summer but its not as comfortable. Plus fall is a very sweet season, I like fall scents and atmosphere.....plus I adore Halloween

Favorite flower: Mimosa for sure, we had a huge mimosa tree at my childhood house. It was very lovely and would spill onto our deck. Plus I like how the leaves close up at night, its just super interesting!!!

Favorite scent: Thats a tuffy, usually strong scents give me horrible headaches. But I do like lavender and orange scents, those are very nice and more calm.

Favorite color: OKAY, this is cheating but I have three with one big winner. Orange is 100% my favorite, but not a bright orange. More like a somewhat rusty orange??? But I also love green and purple, they all fit together well. 

Favorite animal: uhhhhh hard choice,,,, but I really like octopi, they are very neat in how they move and how unique they are. Very intelligent and can squeeze through really small places. I went to the aquarium months and months ago and I adored the octopus there, watched him for a good 10 minutes. Very lovely lad.

Favorite fictional character: The one I’ve had the most emotional attachment to has to be Juno Steel, his story of self worth is too relatable and I adore characters that aren’t Pure Hero or Pure Villain.... or like Good or Bad. Because that ain’t realistic.... BUT, I do really like Peridot from SU, she was the first character I really ~vibed~ with, I think she had a neat villain to good guy story. Also shoutout to Carlos the Scientist because I adore his character so much

Average hours of sleep: wow rough, gonna call myself out. I’m not too great at the whole sleeping bit, so maybe like 4-5 hours, eh I’m not too sure.

Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate?: Coffee gives me cramps, tea (certain ones) are a god send, and hot chocolate sometimes makes me feel icky. SO Tea in the long run, but I like all three.

Number of blankets you sleep with: whoops like two quilts and like 5 throw blankets. I adore blankets man

Dogs or cats?: Lowkey allergic to both of them, but dogs. I have a poodle that doesn’t shed and I love him very much

Dream trip: I like places with historical stories and museums. I love to learn about that stuff, so anywhere with that honestly. I adored my trip to DC, I went twice when I was younger. Its been like 8 years since I’ve been there, so I really really wanna go back sometime 

Dream job: ah sheesh, not a clue really. Either something to do with character design in some sort or something with taking care of animals. But I don’t have stuff figured out at all, so we are going with the flow. 

Followers: I don’t pay attention that too much, I think like 70ish. I just reblog stuff so eh

Blog established: Hmmmm, maybe about 2ish years ago????

Reason for my URL: I was using my internet name skittles (taste the rainbow....i think you can fill it in from there) and I wanted something snappy to go along with it. So yikes(z)skittles was born, probably change it when I’m clever for something new and not brand related. 

Random fact: I own over 200 different beanie babies, my pride and joy at this point. 

I don’t have many mutuals on here I regularly talk to, so I’m throwing @happy-lil-birb under the bus, but ya don’t gotta do it

[incomprehensiblelentils]

I did not get around to this yesterday but, a short selection of fictional things that meant a lot to me over the last decade! ...it is going under a cut bc it is Too Long sorry lmao.

Books

Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng: this book came out in September 2017 and I have read it four times already. It’s the kind of book I want to write but I’m not sure I’m clever enough to: every event and every character is so purposeful and you won’t catch everything the first time through. Every time I reread it I find something new to marvel at. I hope the Hulu series is half as good

Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng: this was the first piece of fiction I ever found with a family with a Chinese father and a white mother. This family is a lot less functional than my family, but I've read this three times because that means the world to me. 

Ash by Malinda Lo: I discovered this in 2011 and it was the first f/f novel I ever read, and as I would later learn, one of a handful with a happy ending at the time, particularly in YA fiction. For a long time, I reread it every time I felt hopeless. I just reread it again last month and it is still as beautiful and meaningful to me as in 2011.

Girls of Paper and Fire by Natasha Ngan: This is an Asian-inspired fantasy (becoming more common now, but still irritatingly rare) written by a queer Asian woman, with f/f. I think it is only the second one of these, after Ash? It is frustratingly rare, anyway. The worldbuilding is incredible also.

The Astonishing Color of After by Emily X.R. Pan: We are getting more stories about biracial Asians, but they are still pretty rare and I treasure every one. This one felt so real to me.

The Miseducation of Cameron Post by Emily M. Danforth: The first half of this book captures so beautifully what it’s like growing up queer in a religious environment when you don’t even have the words or self-awareness to know what you’re feeling. This was another one I read over and over again when I was feeling low.

The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater: this is just a book for horse girls. I don’t know how else to describe this lol. I also feel like the romance is super downplayed until the very end, and honestly barely feels like a romance to me, so that’s refreshing!

Movies:

Pacific Rim (2013): I remember having this weird feeling when asked to give my top 3 movies once in high school, like maybe my favorite movie hadn’t come out yet so I couldn’t answer properly. I was right; this is the movie I was waiting for. This is my favorite movie. The feelings this movie gives me is the standard I hold all movies to.

Terminator: Dark Fate (2019): but Megan, didn’t this just come out? Yes, and it’s my other favorite movie now. I love (almost) every second of this movie. This movie made me feel a way that I thought maybe I might never feel again, after a certain other franchise movie this year took a dump on my heart. I don’t care that we’re never getting a sequel, we got this and that’s enough for me.

Thor (2011): Those of you who have been around awhile know that I really love this movie. I loved it before we all jumped on the Thor train after Ragnarok and I will continue to love it probably my whole life. It just makes me happy.

Aquaman (2018): This is Thor but underwater and with a biracial hero. It made me cry in the theater and I do not want to hear any negative opinions about it, I find them personally wounding.

Belle (2013): The fact that Gugu Mbatha-Raw isn’t a superstar is tragic, and this movie is gorgeous and lovely and made me feel a lot of things as a biracial person.

Mad Max Fury Road (2015): I remember seeing the trailer for this in the theater and going “yikes that looks like a thing I would never watch.” Joke’s on you, past me!!!! I find this a deeply stressful but glorious film that I can only watch like, once or twice a year.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010): I do not need or want to hear about how this movie is Problematic, I know all of its issues, and yet. It brings me joy and it was one of the first movies I saw when I was just starting to break out of my religious upbringing and I laugh until I cry every time I watch it.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015): I am starting to realize that I am not and never really was a Star Wars Fan, which is to say that like...I love this movie specifically, I love the characters, I love the interactions, I love the stuff that happens. I do not so much love Star Wars as a whole? I like it fine! But this movie is the only part of the franchise to really make me go “oh, I get it.”

Professor Marston and the Wonder Women (2017): This was a weird little movie that nobody saw and nobody talked about, but I adore it because it’s so gentle and romantic. I don’t know how accurate it is to history and frankly I do not really care.

Big Hero 6 (2014): are you tired of me mentioning I’m biracial yet? This movie has biracial protagonists and a cute squishy robot and no romance and superhero stuff and I love it so much.

F8: The Fate of the Furious (2017): I went to go see this on a whim with my wife and it was one of the most joyous theater experiences of my life. I don’t know, I just love everything about it.

TV shows:

Community: This only kind of counts because it started in 2009 but I started it mid-s2 so eh. Seasons 1-3 of this show are written on my heart, I can quote a ridiculous amount of dialogue from them and these characters will stay with me forever. Warts and all, this is my show.

Dollhouse: Another technicality but like, I met my wife because we both loved Bennett Halverson so I gotta put this on here. It’s pretty significantly affected my life! Also I find that it holds up fairly well, if you’re down for the admittedly iffy premise and an ending that’s a bit of a mess narratively due to sudden cancellation.

Agents of SHIELD: I would never claim that this show is “good” but I do think that it has mostly figured out what the hell it’s doing. And it has been a pretty significant part of my fandom life for the last 6 years, so to leave it off this list would feel wrong. It gave me Daisy Johnson, first canon biracial superhero as played by a biracial actor, and for that i will always be grateful.

Warehouse 13: I could not tell you why I fell so deeply in love with this dumb, badly written show that shit the bed in the final episode more spectacularly than I could have imagined, and yet I did! I think probably it is because I love found family so much, and also I find goofy camp charming more often than not. And of course, there is Bering and Wells, the femslash ship that fandom forgot. I will never be over how no one knows what we have suffered!!!!!

Runaways: wow was this a surprise! The Runaways comic is my favorite comic besides Marjorie Liu’s X-23 run, and this show has basically nothing to do with it, and normally that would piss me off but they got my kids’ personalities down so well and all of the actors are so perfect that I really can’t complain. And also, this show has canon f/f and neither of them die at the end! Which is...better than some other shows I could mention!

Doctor Who series 1 and 5: I had a very intense Doctor Who phase in college, and after all was said and done and I quit the show for a time, I realized that although I love a lot of the characters, and Thirteen’s run is pretty good so far, what I really loved was Nine’s run and Eleven’s first season. That is the show at its best to me. Eccleston is my Doctor and Amy is my favorite companion.

Legends of Tomorrow: Look, I am as shocked as anyone that this, the scrappy underdog of the DCTV lineup, is the one that’s most emotionally competent and has the best character arcs! But here we are. Season 4 was some of my favorite TV I’ve seen, uh, ever.

Albums

Dirty Computer by Janelle Monae: I listened to this for basically a year straight after it came out. It’s just ridiculously good.

Something Fierce by Marian Call: This was my on-repeat album in college. i drew a lot of strength from it, and I think that it’s still the best album to recommend to people who ask me about her.

Standing Stones by Marian Call: I heard most of these songs live at concerts before they were quite done yet, so it was really special to get to hear them all collected together like this. I’m going to get a tattoo with a lyric from one of these songs because no one’s quite been able to put my basic philosophy into words quite like Marian.

Heartthrob by Tegan and Sara: Hot Take, I know, because a lot of people hate this album, but it was so affirming to go out and buy A Lesbian Album from A Lesbian Band in 2013.

The Rent movie soundtrack: I know, I KNOW, but in my defense, my parents got me this for my birthday my first year of college and I needed it so desperately. I can definitely still do “La Vie Boheme” from the beginning and probably most of the other songs too.

In the Heights OBCR: I can only listen to this when I want to cry, but it’s my favorite musical. I got to see the show in 2018 and it was incredible. I think it’s better than Hamilton and I can’t wait for the movie to come out.

Trouble by Natalia Kills: this album is really great and also it says fuck a lot, which I used to be very nervous about hearing or saying, and this helped immensely!

[andysnorwayaffairs]

Final Project

Pt 1; a perfect ending. feeling a rush of shared excitement - finally! just like me!

warmth, embraced, a queer kind of friendship. we sat in the grass and talked about how our lives were growing up, how our queerness was realized and how it affected the way we walk in the world. our stories are so similar yet so, so different. miles and miles of time away, you announce to your friends that you’re probably maybe gay. you start a spark in their minds, and soon after you’re deemed the trail blazer of coming out. you are brave, do you know it? you were the person who i wished for. so desperate for approval from others, and not meeting anyone like you, i took it upon myself to starve my queerness, the differentness, the part of me that i knew i could definitely be hated for. and i can’t stand the thought of being hated. and a part of me hated myself for who i was. i was taught that i couldn’t love like that, that it wasn’t *real*, that anything other than normal is impossible, wrong, destructive. so i listened, and i believed them. not completely, that is also true. that’s why i never stopped immersing myself in online queer culture, why i desperately searched for any sign of queerness in the online personas i followed and in the fiction that i read. we talked about this too, how we’d entrench ourselves in media and later realize that we were part of the group we were so obsessed with. finally... just like me

you opened your heart so quickly - your friends, they tell me that they’re so happy that you’ve met me. you open a window into your life and lend a hand to help me hop in. i see how you love others, and how they love you. we run through the lawn of a backyard riddled with ripe fruit and laugh like children at how sweet the juice is. we share a meal and spend hours talking about nothing and everything. i sometimes stop and listen to the chatter, and i feel complete warmth even when i cannot understand what is being said. we read the cards i brought and i learn how each of you sees love. i see the way you interact with your loved ones, the way you so deeply care to spend time with them. letting go, giggling in giddy joy, acting like absolute fools. finally, just like me

cried a farewell last night

thank you for offering me a bizarre, unfair amount of kindness

thank you for showing me a glimpse of your life, your entire world

thank you for extending a hand in friendship, in solidarity

thank you for being my friend

I feel like my time here, my glimpse into another person’s life, feels like a glimpse into an alternate timeline. A timeline in which I accepted myself from the beginning. A timeline in which I told a friend about my crush on Jen from Buzzfeed. A timeline when I refused to normalize myself, refused to uphold the boundaries that were unfairly placed on me. A timeline when I was brave. A timeline when I stopped being so damn scared. A timeline when I realized that my friends would still stay friends with me, and those who didn’t want to, I should let go of anyways. There will always be people who don’t match up with your values, your energies, your being. I won’t lie to myself and say that it wouldn’t hurt like a bitch, but it’s a hard fact of life that homophobes, transphobes, racists, xenophobes, ie bigots exist and there will be always be bullies and people who don’t care about you, who WANT to put you down, who want to hurt you. In a world of power, there will be those with some and those without. I was given a small window into my friend’s life and saw a life pathway built around friendships who learn and grow right alongside you. I’ve always thought about that – what if? What if I let go earlier? In my timeline, the forces around me were not as kind to me. I was told queerness was ugly, so utterly upside down. I didn’t have anyone to tell me otherwise. Perhaps if I had a positive role model to tell me that it WAS okay, that it was beautiful and wonderful. Perhaps if I had a friend like them in my life who was the first to come out and encouraged others by simply living their life the way THEY want to, perhaps I would have had the courage to do so earlier. I can’t change the past.

But I can think about how the events of my past shaped my present, and how my present shapes my future. Thank God - I DID let go! There’s no race to live your truth, but oh god it feels so good to do it NOW. I’m so thankful that I found the bravery these people I know now have embraced so many years ago. I feel like my own person, like an entire human soul. I don’t feel the need to please anyone. This queer experience, of finding yourself and maybe even fearing yourself, but, ultimately, coming to love yourself despite dominant society failing you, that is a queer experience. Regardless of any experience, something we all share is having to live in a world that ultimately does not accept us, does not want us.

An ode to knowing that although things are different here, and that there’s no possible way that I could have had a similar timeline just simply because of how different our spheres and worlds are... despite this, despite the fear and self hate and internal violence I was forced into because of the life I was born into, despite all of this, I was still able to find myself and love myself and find others who love me for my whole humanness.

There’s a lot of work to be done in the world, for our lives and our safety and our happiness. I think the friends I’ve met here are doing that work. Through their love for each other and thus their refusal to conform, to stay quiet, to accept the norms in place.

Meeting this special friend may have been completely chance, but I believe fate had a little bit to do with it too. To give me this window, to let me see what beauty it is to allow a person to be themselves. The sooner, the better.

____ DISCUSSION

Pt 3:

It’s funny to see how these ppl’s reflections of their lives fit in line with exactly what we discussed through our readings and class discussions. Norway may be progressive in law, but not necessarily in practice. Each of the queer people I asked this about, or asked them to speak about their queer experience, expressed frustration at there not being much of a strong queer community here, and how they still experienced everyday oppression (you may call these micro aggressions).

Nordic model of inclusion + welfare, making this a space where it is looked down upon to discriminate for someone’s sexuality

A different relationship to Christianity

In the U.S., I grew up in a heavily queerphobic, heavily strict and monitored environment where I was even monitoring myself, reprimanding myself for all of the gay content I was consuming but allowing myself to keep doing it because I was “outside” of the community and thus could not be associated with it or have to think of the consequences.

In middle school I was fully aware that I had strong crushes on gay female celebrities but was petrified of sharing that information with anyone.

I shut myself down immediately, but continued to consume gay, lgbt, and trans media for years and years after, allowing myself to do this because I could convince myself that I was just “a straight girl” who was a big fan of the community.

After coming to college and experiencing true freedom from the expectations and values placed on me, it took me less than three days to come to the realization that I was in fact, extremely not straight. It took me 6 more months to fully feel comfortable admitting to myself and claiming the label that I was gay. It took me another year to “come out” to all of my friends and folx I really cared about.

-talk about how this is a divide between my experience and the experiences of the friends I made here. L & their friends came out when they were extremely young, in middle school actually. Our timelines diverge here.

Only recently, I began to make friends on the shared experience of our queerness. Meeting my close friends now, sharing intimate + tender moments. Loving each other and supporting one another the way family might do. A queer kind of love shared in these emotional bonds. A kind of love I had not experienced before my full acceptance and life as a queer person. Tender, radical love.

Meeting L, sharing on our experience of being queer and trans. And not to say that their life in Norway is so much better. The Nordic model may allow for some general acceptance, but queerphobia still has its roots in other malicious ways. Many of L’s friends still don’t use their pronouns. A is called the slur version of the word lesbian, and she recognizes that being a lesbian is not favorable to society. She wants to be a prof of gender studies at her uni but told me that since there is already one queer person on staff, she’ll never be hired on.

M telling me about how even tho queer ppl are accepted on the outside, and in the law, in practice, not so much.

-A telling me that people hate lesbians

-in Norwegian, the word for lesbian is also really similar to the slur, “fucking lesbian”

CONNECTION TO THE FIRST ARTICLE WE READ

Norway’s state feminism and inclusion of queerness is heteronormative, only assimilating those that fit into the family, hetero model (thinking to naked sculpture park, extremely family oriented)

Same sex has to still be straight – family, private, culturally straight.

[thesinglesjukebox]

JAMILA WOODS - BALDWIN

[8.20]

Her legacy is secure on our sidebar, but she clearly has more lofty ambitions...

Alfred Soto: Absorbing James Baldwin's incantatory power into musical history that encompasses soul horns and a unforced communitarian spirit, Jamila Woods remains skeptical of his legacy anyway. She understands how an influence is a menace too. [8]

Nellie Gayle: How do you live a legacy, honor a history, that's equally heartbreaking and triumphant? Jamila Woods brings brightness and joy to her reflections on African American history in the United States, without ignoring the trauma implicit in its story. "Your crown has been bought and paid for. All you have to do is put in on your head" the video quotes from Baldwin. Much like the author she named the track after, Woods will not gloss over the daily suffering and indignities of white supremacy in the US. But also like Baldwin, she's an optimist who derives happiness and hardwon joy from a history of resistance. So long as there is a vibrant culture and community whose stories deserve to be celebrated (not just told), Woods will literally sing its praises with melodies reminiscent of Bill Withers - upbeat, sunny, and heartfelt. Another Baldwin quote for Woods, one that deserves to be framed & hung up on bedroom walls in times like these: "To be a pessimist means that you have agreed that human life is an academic matter, so I'm forced to be an optimist. I'm forced to believe that we can survive whatever we must survive." [9]

Nortey Dowuona: A warm, dreamlike roll of piano chords swirl with the wind as a loping bass limps alongside dribbling drums as warm bursts of horns drift past Jamila, who gently stirs the cauldron, which bubbles warmly as the kids gather around in cautious excitement. [9]

Kylo Nocom: "BALDWIN" is a perfect explanation of how the idea of (argh!) optimistic and loving resistance can (often justifiably) feel like a pointless endeavour, especially when applied to the struggles of black Americans. Poetic descriptions of gentrification, police brutality, and non-black inaction are painfully outlined, betraying a central exhaustion that lies in Jamila's doubts of her friends' and icons' messages of hope. Jamila's croon also reads as tired, perhaps unintentionally, but with the help of some tasteful vocal accompaniment the sincerity beneath her uneasiness is allowed to flourish. Despite the underlying hesitance, "BALDWIN" is ultimately inspired by a real desire to see love as a means towards building community. As for Nico Segal, it seems he was just invited to aim at my weakness towards percussive horn blasts, punctuating the lines that seem to resonate the most powerfully: "we don't go out, can't wish us away." [9]

Joshua Lu: Utterly sublime and warm, like the aural equivalent of a hazy summertime sunset, which is startling for a song with this subject matter. "BALDWIN" touches on the different ways racism manifests, bringing up not just images of black fathers dead on the streets and white women clutching their purses, but also referencing the "casual violence" in white speech and white silence. It's subtly damning, and Jamila sounds too weary to accept the solution she's been offered, to extend love to the people who will never reciprocate it. The song ends uncertainly, hanging on a cryptic line and an unsatisfying melody, as if daring the listener to provide their own resolution. [8]

Joshua Copperman: "BALDWIN" struggles with its namesake's theory that "you must accept them with love" - 'them' referring to white people - "for these innocent people have no other hope." How is love even possible, even in Woods' definition of love, with the aggressions both macro (police brutality) and micro (purse-clutching) addressed in the lyrics? Obviously, there aren't easy answers, but Woods' educated guess on surviving is not just resilience, but community. That chorus starts with "all my friends" for a reason. It's not quite as anarchic as "You can tell your deity I'm alright/Wake up in the bed, call me Jesus Christ," but it's the same eventual conclusion. Instead of defying religion, Woods defies the expectation of being respectable. That's the interesting thing about this beat too, from Slot-A, mixing more traditional R&B instrumentation like Rhodes piano and canned synth pads with trap snares and horn stabs. He takes advantage of Woods' thin voice, not only contrasting it with those heavier textures but also giving it space to breathe. Another hook of this song - there are several - is "You don't know a thing about our story/you tell it wrong all the time," suggesting that if love alone won't overcome, telling your own tale will be more than sufficient. [9]

Will Adams: So many (usually white) musicians handle the topic of racism as deftly as if it were a hot potato slathered in grease. Jamila Woods cuts to the core in a single verse, addressing police brutality, gentrification and purse-clutching casual racism. The arc of the song is balancing that anger with weariness of those who preach civility in the face of hate. If that all sounds a bit too down, Nico Segal's punctuation in the form of bright horn stabs are there to keep the message alive and resonant. [7]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: Not the most transcendent piece on LEGACY! LEGACY! (see "BASQUIAT"), but a close competitor. The jazzy production sets the groove well, and the stabs of Nico Segal's horns and Gospel-adjacent choirs fill the space beautifully. But it's Jamila herself who takes "Baldwin" from something pleasant to something glorious. She bridges romance, protest, and memory like no one else can, melding them with her sweet, pointed voice into the album's best demonstration of its thesis. [9]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: "BALDWIN" is a song that finds Jamila Woods detailing the outright, inescapable racism that occurs against Blacks every day. In referencing James Baldwin, she makes clear how such fear and hatred-fueled actions have persisted to the present day. But what makes this so fascinating a song is that Woods muddies the waters; she spends a bit of time wrestling with the positivity that Baldwin espoused throughout his lifetime, finding herself conflicted by the effectiveness of such praxis. In a way, listening to this feels like a legitimate Sermon on the Mount moment, where "lov[ing] your enemy and pray[ing] for those who persecute you" comes as a shocking command instead of a spoonfed Sunday School lesson. Miraculously, "BALDWIN" doesn't end up feeling knotty and tense, but overwhelmingly triumphant. You can sense it in the gospel choir and Nico Segal's horns, but it's Woods's own silk-smooth vocals and circuitous melodies that announce her impossible serenity. Has she found truth in such ostensible cognitive dissonance, or is she too elated to be bothered by this disagreement? That internal struggle finds no conclusion here, but Woods transcends it all by being an inspiration herself. She embodies something that Baldwin had written to his nephew in 1962--a specific instruction that feels ever necessary today: "You don't be afraid." [7]

Iris Xie: With such a clear, gentle series of asks here, you would have to have an adherence to bigotry, or at least avoiding the discomfort of examining your own internalized anti-Black biases, in order to avoid considering what Woods is saying here. I think about this a lot as a queer Asian American, what my responsibility is to the project of helping not contribute and help demolish the project of anti-Blackness as enacted by white supremacist institutions and those who are complicit and facilitate them, especially when I see the amount of pain in both the news and what my friends experience. The line of "All my friends / Been readin' the books / readin' the books you ain't read" cuts deep for me especially, because I have an Bachelor's degree in Gender, Sexuality, and Women's Studies, which is an enormous amount of privilege in itself to receive and is due to countless activist histories that made that possible. It also made me think of the sheer amount of books about queer Black feminism that I genuinely feel I've barely scratched the surface of understanding, but am always in awe of the brilliance exuding forth. All of it is already written here for anyone to read, with new scholarship and articles and media produced all the time to help digest and made accessible for the rest of us. The loveliness of this song is that in its quiet neo-soul tempos, with the subtle snares, synths, and horns, results in a vibe she is secure in itself and asks the listener to move towards Woods. Black activists have put together the work and articulated these for decades, for any of us to read. The least we can do is listen and pay attention, as a complete bare minimum. [7]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[hoodlessmads]

I’m Caught Up With Bloom Into You

Gosh, where do I even begin with this series?

I watched the first episode, and by the end, honestly, I thought it was going to be pretty dumb. Cute! But dumb. And I do love me some dumb cute precious romance.

But W O W that’s not what Yagakimi is. It successfully pulls of an excellent bait-and-switch on the reader/viewer not just once but twice--the first is at the end of the first episode (the part where I assumed it was going to be kind of cheesy and dumb), and the second around halfway through the anime series. The first one is basically the premise of the story, so it doesn’t really count as a bait-and-switch unless you go in blind like I did. But the second one takes all of the reader/viewer’s expectations up to that point and turns it on its head. And even beyond that scene, the entire series is chock full of moments that demolish your expectations for what direction the story is taking and who the characters are. Every single chapter I felt like I was being thrown for a loop, and learning something unexpected and new about the characters. Even up to the most recent damn chapter I feel like I have no idea what Nakatani-sensei is going to throw at us. And all of this is me making a point that this manga is DEEP.

I could talk at length about how gorgeous the anime is, how well-directed certain scenes are, how incredible the Japanese voice acting was (didn’t see the dub, but if anyone can carry Touko’s emotional range it’s the fabulous Luci Christian so I’m sure it’s decent), or how much I stan Michiru Ooshima. It was a great adaptation and I sincerely can’t wait for Season 2. But I’m not going to talk much about that. Instead I just need to talk about the story (the manga).

(spoilers up through Chapter 39)

You know what one of the many great things about Yagakimi is? In spite of the fact that it deals with same-gender relationships and queer issues, and while it does periodically address those issues, they’re actually not the primary focus of the characters or their struggles. From day one, Yuu is much less concerned about Touko being a girl than she is about her own inability to feel anything towards her (supposedly). And that’s not to say that those issues are ignored, like they are in some anime of this particular genre. The characters don’t live in a paradisiacal vacuum where being gay in Japan isn’t a problem and everyone around them is magically super accepting. Yuu’s sister is incredibly sweet and accepting (I love her), but her dad makes casual homophobic comments. Even after Touko initially confesses to Yuu, Yuu brushes it off as something she “probably doesn’t have to worry about” because they’re both girls, and it’s weird. Riko Hakazaki has to hide from her students, coworkers, and workplace, that she’s living with her girlfriend, because it could cause legitimate problems for her if they knew. During Sayaka’s first lesbian relationship, when she is still figuring herself out, her own girlfriend tells her that it’s “just a phase” and that she’s sorry that she “made her” that way. Even much later, when Yuu is conflicted about how she should confess her feelings to Touko, her sister Rei immediately assumes (understandably so) that she’s conflicted because of the whole gay thing. Rei starts worrying about how the family will react, if they will be accepting and supportive of her sister. Little does she know, being gay is the least of Yuu’s problems at that point.

But is being gay and the societal backlash that comes with it really that inconsequential to Yuu’s story? Yuu Koito struggles to develop romantic or sexual feelings for anyone. She exhibits clear signs of depression--intense apathy, emotional repression, struggles to find genuine joy in anything. A lot of people have posited even that she exhibits signs of sexual repression specifically. And this is one of the core conversations we can have about Yuu’s character. How much of her “inability to love” is because she is legitimately somewhere on the ace spectrum, perhaps demisexual (she develops feelings after getting to know someone, to put it simply)? And how much of it is her unconsciously repressing her own feelings (perhaps homosexual) for her entire life, resulting in a scenario where even she doesn’t know how to get them back? There isn’t a clear answer here. No one knows. Yuu doesn’t even know. And that’s the point!

The characters. Are so. Good. Yuu, Touko, and Sayaka are the obvious powerhouses here, all three of them multi-layered people that I can and will analyze at length. But Yagakimi doesn’t sleep on the minor characters either. Yuu and Touko don’t exist in a vacuum. From Yuu’s sister and her boyfriend to Maki, the juxtaposing aromantic and asexual friend and ally, to Yuu’s surprisingly likable best friends, to Hakozaki-sensei and her girlfriend Miyako, to even Dojima. Everyone matters. Everyone gets their own little storyline. I’m tempted to be reminded of Kimi ni Todoke and the brilliant way it handled its side characters here. Although Bloom Into You is much shorter than KnT, and therefore has a lot less time to develop those side characters and relationships, it still provides them with their own layers, their own problems, their own mini-spotlights. And it makes me care about every single one. Riko and Miyako’s cute ass and wholesome adult love story, Akari’s dumb doomed crush on basketball senpai, Koyomi’s dreams of becoming an author and her infatuation with a certain idol of hers, Maki’s experiences as a contented bystander. I adore and welcome it.

Let’s talk about Touko Nanami before this gets any longer than it needs to be. To be honest, I have a type when it comes to characters, and it’s the ones that are suicidal and hate themselves, probably because I relate to that stuff more than anything (though I also relate to Yuu’s apathetic brand of depression). This character. This character. One of the things I love most about her is how consistently the reader is lured into thinking they know her, and then consistently proven wrong. (I think we share this experience with Yuu.) It takes episodes, chapters, volumes to slowly chip away at the layers and layers of personality we’re given before we finally arrive at the truly heartbreaking core, which is a girl with a fractured identity and deep, deep self-loathing that defies all logic. And it’s because it defies all logic that it’s so scary. Because that kind of self-hatred doesn’t just go away. You can’t just fix it. It’s there to stay, and it’s not just your friendly neighborhood self-hatred--painful, but an otherwise harmless roommate. It’s actually dangerous, and it has the power to destroy Touko’s relationships with others and even destroy herself. (The scene in the anime where she stands in front of the railroad tracks and almost takes a step forward, thus nearly giving me a heart attack, comes to mind.) It defies logic, so there’s no logical way to beat it, either. And it’s not just the self-loathing that gets me and makes my heart hurt for her; it’s the loss of oneself, the lack of one’s identity as an individual. The loss of on’s own sense of self, especially at such a young and vulnerable age, is debilitating. Touko is really good at wearing that super serene smile, but when the chips are down, nothing is going to stand in the way of her and what essentially amounts to obliterating herself from existence. Not even Yuu. And then we come to her crippling fear of being loved by anyone, which is an aspect of self-hatred that probably doesn’t get enough acknowledgment. She hates herself to the point that the thought of someone loving her, which should make her happy, actually hurts. How fucked is that.

But I never gave Touko enough credit. To be honest, in chapter 34 when Yuu (finally) confesses, I was expecting her reaction to be really bad. Like, really bad. I was expecting a shitshow, a blowout of their relationship (temporarily of course). I was expecting basically what Yuu thinks that she got. And for that one page, I swear I felt my heart forcibly ripped from my chest. But then I read the next page and was surprised to see just how much she’s changed over the course of the series, how unexpectedly maturely she took the confession and examined her own feelings afterwards, how quickly (and once again, maturely) she deduced that she’d been making Yuu suffer. It makes me appreciate their relationship even more than I did before, and it makes me want to root for them. (Not that I wasn’t already.) The chapters just keep getting better and better from here on, I swear.

Sayaka deserves her own post, but the queen has her own novel series at least. Sayaka could SO EASILY have been that bitch. Nakatani could have created this rival love interest who treated Yuu like shit and was a possessive asshole and just stopped there. But instead, we got Sayaka, who ends up being one of the best and most well-developed characters. And in the many many times where I was calling Yuu and Touko “you dumb bitch,” Sayaka was there, the smartest and most honest of the three by far, which was refreshing. Her backstory is utterly heartbreaking, her love for Touko touching as hell, and her rise from the ashes, so to speak, is inspiring. Fuck that senpai. Sayaka isn’t even that mean to Yuu, on top of it all. I mean, she can be kind of snippy. And understandably so. But they actually end up surprisingly getting along? I am shook to my core. Sayaka’s growth is one of the greatest sights to behold in this series. Her friendship with Touko isn’t sidelined in favor of Touko’s relationship with Yuu--far from it. Sayaka provides her own unique support and sparks Touko’s development in a way that Yuu never could. Their friendship is crucial. By the time Sayaka FINALLY confesses, I was so god damn proud of her and her bravery, I swear I could have cried. While Yuu was busy being in practiced denial for 40 chapters, Sayaka was OUT THERE learning to be completely up front and honest with herself and others about her feelings. (Not to knock on Yuu, because she has her own arc to go through to get there.) That whole fucking scene where they’re both just sobbing about shit afterwards Got Me.

Ugh. It’s been an emotional few days. I’m really glad I decided to start watching that first episode, because this entire series has been a series of pleasant surprises. This is a good anime, ya’ll. It’s a good character study. It’s a good love story. It’s a good gay love story. It’s all of those things. You could literally talk forever about all the nuances of this story and characters and all the things that make it as good as it is. This long ass post just brushes the surface. For now, I’m anxiously (ANXIOUSLY) awaiting chapter 40. If you know, you know.