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clove-pinks · 2 years

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A series of 8 tweets on the experience of being autistic and ADHD (AuDHD) by @pot8um on twitter, image descriptions below cut.

I saved these shortly after being dx + medicated with ADHD last year. It was the first time I began to seriously consider the possibility that I was also autistic. 1/8

AuDHD is a constant tug-of-war— contradictions that exist simultaneously that I feel equally strongly about.

[image description: Two-column text inside orange arrows on left, and blue arrows on right. Title “What ADHD & autism feel like…” L column is ADHD; R column is autism. 1st row, L text: “Making spontaneous plans”, R text: “Getting very upset if those plans are interrupted” 2nd row, L text: “Struggling to organize”, R text: “Having a strong need for order”. By @autistic.qualia]

Each of these are so familiar to me, but I could never articulate my experiences with the right language. Also, if you don’t know what you’re experiencing is AuDHD, you don’t know what questions to ask. You didn’t know you were even supposed to *have* questions! 2/8

[image description: Two-column text inside orange arrows on left, and blue arrows on right. Title “What ADHD & autism feel like…” L column is ADHD; R column is autism. 1st row, L text: “Impulsively making purchases for a new hyperfixation”, R text: “Hyperfocus on researching the products” 2nd row, L text: “Struggling to be on time”, R text: “Upset when others are a few minutes late”. by @autistic.qualia]

I have phases of hyperfixation with certain things, and lifelong interest in others. Successfully executed plans / tasks is always my goal. (The perfectionism is too real.) I always get frustrated when I inevitably miss steps, regardless of my attention to detail. 3/8

[image description: Two-column text inside orange arrows on left, and blue arrows on right. Title “What ADHD & autism feel like…” L column is ADHD; R column is autism. 1st row, L text: “Hyperfixating on a wide variety of topics”, R text: “Also having long term special interests” 2nd row, L text: “Forgetting steps in plans”, R text: “Needing plans to execute perfectly”. by @autistic.qualia]

I *love* trying new foods… until it’s a bad experience, then I clam up and am reluctant to try again. When it comes to food, consistency is vital to me. My brain is far more active than I have spoons for. Most of my ideas strike when I’m freshly overloaded and spoonless. 4/8

[image description: Two-column text inside orange arrows on left, and blue arrows on right. Title “What ADHD & autism feel like…” L column is ADHD; R column is autism. 1st row, L text: “Enticed by novel foods”, R text: “Hypercritical of food taste and texture” 2nd row, L text: “Wanting new experiences”, R text: “Wanting to stick to what I know I like”. by @autistic.qualia]

I tend to hyperfixate on things that aren’t central to the task at hand. (I don’t want to say “on the ‘wrong’ thing” because I’m on my self-compassion shit ) Discovering my neurodivergence during the pandemic was surreal. Severe boredom, severe overload, severe whiplash. 5/8

[image description: Two-column text inside arrows. Title “What ADHD & autism feel like…” L column is ADHD; R column is autism. 1st row, orange arrow, L text: “Misses details and makes mistakes on boring topics”, blue arrow, R text: “Notices small details and points out others’ mistakes”. 2nd row, purple arrow, L text: “Becoming easily understimulated”; Yellow arrow, R text: “Becoming easily overstimulated”. by @autistic.qualia]

Overthinking the stages of your emotional dysregulation is its own personal hell. When I’m lowest on spoons, I tend to ruminate the most. My thirst for knowledge is met by my shoddy working memory. I try recalling a fact that *I know* I read up on. Can’t. Frustration ensues. 6/8

[image description: Two-column text inside arrows. Title “What ADHD & autism feel like…” L column is ADHD; R column is autism. 1st row, purple arrow, L text: “Struggling from emotional dysregulation”. Blue arrow, R text: “Being a logical and analytical thinker”. 2nd row, orange arrow, L text: “Struggling to retain information”; Yellow arrow, R text: “Wanting to learn everything”. by @autistic.qualia]

It’s hard for me to Start the Thing. Once I start, I NEED to ride that wave! If I’m taken out of the moment, idk when I’ll be able to start back up. If I don’t say what I’m thinking *while* I’m thinking it, it’ll be forever lost. (Trying my best to work on this. It’s hard!) 7/8

[image description: Two-column text inside purple and yellow arrows. Title “What ADHD & autism feel like…” L column is ADHD; R column is autism. 1st row, L text: “Having difficulty sitting still”, R text: “Hypersensitive to other people fidgeting”. 2nd row, L text: “Interrupting others when they are busy”; R text: “Hate being bothered while in hyperfocus”. by @autistic.qualia]

Please note: • These traits are infinitely more nuanced than a few tweets can possibly cover. • I do not speak for the entire autistic community. From @autisticqualia on IG, an outstanding AuDHD awareness account.

[image descriptions: a box of text at left reads “Having both ADHD & autism can sometimes feel like there are contradicting forces within you. Traits that seem incompatible on the surface can exist in the same person.” A box of text at right reads “Everyone with ADHD & autism is different. These are the contradicting traits that I personally experience as someone with both ADHD and autism.”]

It's uncommon for me to see someone discussing the experience of being both austistic and ADHD, and this was articulated so well, I feel like it also describes my experiences. (The author is also an advocate for late diagnosis AuDHD adults, who has shared her experiences about working with dismissive, misogynist doctors.)

Bearing in mind that every individual is different, as noted by the tweet author, I feel like I am more autistic than I am ADHD, despite my ADHD diagnosis (and these two developmental disorders have many overlapping traits, of course).

I have never, ever understood the experience of "ADHD boredom" that I have seen some people describe. I am perpetually overstimulated, not understimulated, and I stuggle to process experiences and find enough time and space. Executive dysfunction also prevents me from starting/enjoying activities, as is typical with ADHD. It's not just a thing that makes it difficult to work on stressful or boring tasks; it prevents you being being able to commence fun things, like reading for enjoyment or watching a TV show you want to watch. And when I do manage to start the book/TV show, the stimulus is often overwhelming and I don't get very far.

#autism #adhd #audhd #actually autistic #actually adhd #late diagnosed autistic #late diagnosed adhd #pot8um #shaun talks #disability

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homoashell · 3 months

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about me/ intro post (the really cool person)

My name is Starr and i go by all pronouns, no neopronouns, it would be cool if you used he/they though because people primarily use she/her for me

I'm a lesbian and bi and agender I think and i have audhd so sorry if im krjfj yknow, and i also have anxiet and some other stuff unimportant

I do not have a partner

I post most just random thoughts and stuff but some fandom posts

I love moots and interacting with people so please don't be afraid to DM me or flood my ask box

Dni if you are queerphobic, racist, abelist, support Israel, misogynist, or just a asshole in general

I don't care who interacts with my posts just please do not DM me if you are over 18, I am a minor

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code names for people I talk about

Stinky poo poo baby: my stinky stinky poo poo baby lil brother

The great grumpus: my irl bestie westie pookie dookie loml/p #the great grumpus strikes again

God: my shy friend who has cool fluffy hair also gay and she is pookie

The unknown: my very energetic friend who dresses like one of those crabs that just picks up random shit and has like four names irl

car man: My asshole older brother (stinky)

Fazah/ door puncher: my dad

my husband is @moonysfavoritetoast btw

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i love these things and probably will post about them

• marauders and skittles and Valkyries yknow

•art and writing

•adventure time, amphibia, she-ra, steven universe, the owl house, bee snd puppycat, avatarthe last airbender, etc

•music like bowie, conan gray, hozier, mitski,etc

•books ( mostly queer or queer coded or written by queer authors bc idgaf about cishet ppl)

•percy jackson

•webtoon

•shows like lucifer, b99, heartstopper

•greek mythology

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Tags

Starr's thoughts: pretty much anything I think up with my silly brain

Starr's schoolposting: Anything posted at school or relating to school

starr sobs song lyrics incoherently: Relating to music or lyric posting

Starr's pets: My pets, who woulda guessed

____________

#starr's thoughts #starr’s pets #About me #starr sobs song lyrics incoherently

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henrysglock · 2 months

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Breadcrumbs Post, Revisited <3

The VR game really does pain me...particularly about Henry. (Who could have known...this revelation is truly a left-field twist...)

There's one part in Chapter 5 that really gets me:

Shadow Brenner: You were a good child, in your own way. Henry: What does that even mean? Shadow Brenner: Obedient, eager to show off, brilliant—but just like all shining things: Too. Much.

He goes on to show Henry memories of himself in the lab with Brenner as a child. Henry starts in with pleasantries ("I trust you slept well?"), Brenner makes a comment about Henry historically disliking pleasantries, to which Henry responds that they're "made-up rules".

After that, Brenner makes something of a striking comment:

Brenner: Are we getting distracted, or focusing? Young Henry: ...focusing.

After that, we're transported to the tattoo scene, wherein Brenner tells Henry that Soteria is temporary, and will only be in place until Henry's "emotional acuity" increases and they can find "more collaborative ways forward". Read: It'll come out once you submit to me completely.

You mean to tell me Henry's a good kid who's eager to please, brilliant, easily distracted, has a distaste for social games like pleasantries and small-talk, struggles with reading emotions, and is defiant in the face of perceived injustice? That he's specifically "too much"?

Anyone with autism and ADHD has heard all that shit before...which is exactly what I said here last April when I discussed the misuse of the label "psychopath" in regards to Henry, who more prominently displays traits of autism and cPTSD (though after playing this game and seeing The First Shadow...I'm inclined to adapt that diagnosis to auDHD).

The other one that kills me a little is when Shadow Brenner tells us/Henry about how Henry's mind works. Shadow Brenner says that Henry killed his family so they could never send him away again, that Henry loves via obsession...meaning whatever he obsesses over, he loves, and that El and her rejection of him makes him emotional/weak.

Regardless of how true those statements are/how much of it is being said by the Shadow to convince Henry that the monstrous/negative aspects are true/how much of it is being said to try and hurt Henry and break him down...we can at least surmise a few underlying themes:

Henry loved his family, and it hurt him to be cast aside/set apart from them.

Henry was utterly heartbroken by Virginia sending him away/selling him out to Brenner.

Henry loved El.

To some degree, given the obsession: Henry still loves El.

These are all things I've said before. It's nothing new...but it sure does hurt to have them reaffirmed.

Henry was a good kid who loved his family even when they couldn't love him. Shocker (/s). And now, despite the fact that it Hurts, he can't let them go/refuses to let them go, as if holding onto them will make them love him. He was also "too much" for his family to handle, and post-El...that translates very obviously in-game into him believing he's too much for anyone to handle, let alone love. He makes his empathetic mental connections as Vecna based on that feeling of being an unlovable monster (which I also said in my "Henry isn't a psychopath" post!).

Shared trauma, man. That's the real deal. Everything you see Vecna weaponize against someone is something he himself has experienced...which is something I said back in January of last year in a post I dubbed "the breadcumbs post" (hence the title of this post):

In short:

#note: using henry and edward interchangeably here because it's just easier #this literally all kills the man #someone put me in a padded cell!!!#fucking. can we get some justice for that creel boy. whichever one it is. maybe a little respect put on his name. whatever that may be #henry creel #st vr

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n3v3r-l3ft · 5 months

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Kiss Me Thru The Phone

Title: Kiss Me Thru The Phone

Author: @n3v3r-l3ft | GrandRNathaniel

Artist: N/A

Beta reader: @zo1nkss

Characters: Edward Teach, Stede Bonnet

Relationship(s): Ed/Stede

Rating: E (Explicit)

Additional Tags: Modern AU, Sex Phone Operator Edward Teach, T4T, Trans Edward Teach, Trans Stede Bonnet, Phone Sex, Sexting, Author is trans, Edward Teach has AuDHD, Edward Teach Has Nipple Piercings, Autistic Stede Bonnet, demi Stede Bonnet, Switch4Switch, the badmintons strike again, Divorced Stede Bonnet, Typical Calico Jack warning, houseplant dad Stede Bonnet, Cat Dad Stede Bonnet, Strap-Ons

Warnings: Minor character death, depression, size difference kink ment, minor physical assault, workplace harassment, toxic relationship

Summary: Stede Bonnet has always been lonely, but opening an ad for a website meant for mingling with hot queers in his area just might change that.

Wordcount: 14 972

Link

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smytherines · 17 days

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The really fun and cool thing about being AuDHD is that if you have a uterus you have a very very high chance of having premenstrual dysphoric disorder, which if you're unfamiliar lemme just say is fucking torture.

You will have 3 to 5 days of random, unexplained, absolutely fucking ridiculous meltdowns. Every sensation hurts. Feelings are turned up to 40. Suddenly you just want to die all the time. It feels like your body and brain are actively collaborating to kill you. It is an existential threat stalking you like goddamn Predator once a month. And then it lifts and you feel like a real asshole, and you get about a month to overcome the shame of it just in time for it to strike again.

#smythewhines #adhd #audhd #actually autistic

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blackforrestpunk · 3 months

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Hi friends. I'm currently editing the fan fiction parallel to the comic. I'm currently trying to concentrate on the english language. It annoys the hell out of me. My school english is terribly rusty, and as a teenager I didn't gave a shit about grammar. And to procrastinate a bit and to give a sign of life from me again, I'm going to babble a bit here. !!!!! Attention spoiler!!!!!! I'm reviewing almost the entire Fanfic here. But I've been asked a few times. You still have the option to cancel here. :-) Okay so, the main diagnoses are AuDHD, PTSD, Social Anxiety and Depression (which occasionally triggers an eating disorder)

However, I have to say explicitly about the eating disorder that it is linked to his feelings and also has a certain AuDHD component. Sometimes it happens that you simply forget to eat because other things seem more important to your brain. And sometimes you're so stressed or depressed that you can't eat. He would really like to, because he actually likes to eat. If it's food that he can eat. Taste and consistency are sometimes not so easy to manage here. That's why Nadir always gets the same dishes from the same snack bar. Per se, Erik doesn't know exactly what he has. As mentioned in the fanfic, he is often told his diagnosis. But he keeps forgetting because he doesn't really care. All he knows is that he doesn't fit in.

In the comic, for example, it also becomes clear that he sometimes has problems being touched and sometimes not. This is also due to the experiences he had as a child. His first caregiver often rejected him. So he finds it difficult to accept Valerie's friendly nature at first. By contrast, he has almost completely blocked out his stepfather. As a result, he follows Gustave without saying a word, but also allows himself to be touched because he unconsciously allows himself to be subjugated.

Erik and Raoul have a strange relationship. First Erik keeps forgetting Raoul's name because it's not important enough, then they tease each other and Erik doesn't really get it. He has no idea what this rivalry is all about, he just reacts to it. Then they beat each other up and make up. He doesn't like him, but that's more because Raoul is a kind of interference field. The connection between Erik and Christine is broken every time Raoul appears on the radar. However, Erik can't categorize this either and only reacts to it. Erik's specialty is music. He is particularly fond of stringed instruments. This is not just a hyper-fixation, it is his absolute specialty. He communicates through music. Music is his language for expressing emotions. Here in particular, I tried to link the emotions via the music lyrics or in the Spotify playlist. Sometimes it's very obvious, like in Chapter 13 - where he covers Everlong by the Foo Fighters. Then it's more subtle, when he just plays and the sounds adapt to his mood. In chapter 15, he talks to Christine about Raoul and how long he's staying away, where he strikes a low chord. He tries to ask it casually, but the situation actually worries him.

Erik's talent for languages and the pronunciation thing. Erik learns languages out of sheer boredom. He started with Farsi because he's a nosy little fucker whom Nadir likes to eavesdrop on. He only learned Swedish to impress Christine. He googled her surname. He had learned Italian for Jago, though Jago came from a Spanish family. Well, with ADHD you tend to mix up languages... Erik's pronunciation is usually very clear. He tries to speak clearly and loudly, due in part as a result of the mask. Also with the fact that music is his real language. As a teenager, he went to a speech therapist for years to overcome his stuttering and lisp. He is missing a tooth, which leaves plenty of room for slurred sibilant sounds. But he has learned to compensate it. If he is not emotionally balanced, the old habits still come out.

Erik is left-handed. I couldn't find anything in the books (Leroux and Kay), or I missed it. Well, my Erik is left-handed. Originally, at the very beginning of this story, his hands were supposed to be a testament to the abuse as well. Fingernails were missing, they were taped, and a fingertip was missing. This symbol became Erik's left-handedness, a short little finger and his skinpicking-coping mechanism (which I purposely didn't discuss in detail so as not to trigger myself :'D Fun fact: There were phases in my life when my hands looked like his...). However, he is "both" handed. He learned to use many instruments like a right-handed, because of the little finger problem. Kurt Cobain was left-handed, he has the guitar on the other side, for example. But not Erik. But his handwriting, as in the original, is just awful. He simply didn't learn it properly and was confused in elementary school about which hand to use.

My Erik is bisexual. But how can that be if he's never had a relationship apart from Christine nodnodnod Well, he's not making a big deal out of it. But he had a crush on a young punk from his "clique" in his teens. No, not Azzi and not Jago. Of course, nothing came of it because he was even more socially maladjusted back then, than in Christine's day. Nevertheless, he feels attracted to both sexes.

Erik and friendships. Oh, boy, that's such a thing. At some point in therapy, the therapist nails him down to the fact that he is very much "capable of relationships" because he obviously has friends of several years' standing. Sometimes we forget that. That we are capable, even if there is perhaps one constant person left among all the arguments and conflicts. And maybe it's also the case that we say "Nope, I don't have any friends" out of self-protection, simply to make it easier to cope with a possible loss. The concept of friendship is a mystery to Erik. He doesn't understand that he and Jago have been friends for a long time. It's clear to Jago, and to Nadir as well. In the late chapters, Jago also makes an appearance. The reason that Erik doesn't reject him is that Jago accepts the boy directly for who he is. He lets him be who he is. He doesn't force him. Through the subculture - punk - he gives him a place outside his room where he is accepted.

Speaking of Nadir. Why is a trained care worker sometimes so incredibly stupid, with Erik? Because he's only human. Nadir loves Erik as if he were his son. But at the same time, he sees the bias, the difficulty of communication and the constant lack of connection. This frustrates him. It disappoints him. He feels almost constantly helpless. But he has chosen Erik. This decision binds him for life. Nadir knows exactly what motivates Erik. But he always wants to challenge him. To take him one step further. To show him some normality - which begs the question, what is normal? He wants to show him what's going on in society. To prepare him step by step. Sometimes in a clumsy way. But he doesn't mean any harm. And Erik knows that too.

Erik and his mother. Oh boy, I'm still gnawing on that a bit, my brain is still spinning little stories about both of them. I didn't let her take up so much space on purpose, but I still wrote an entire chapter to her. His mother was damn young when this contraceptive accident with Charles (Erik's father) happened. One thing leads to another, Charles dies, she is alone. She comes from a dysfunctional family herself. She grieves during the pregnancy and after the birth. She loves her son. Don't get me wrong. She really loved him. But it still wasn't enough. What she did wasn't right. It wasn't enough. She didn't respond to his needs or his desire for attachment and security. She locked him away and didn't validate his emotions (which he couldn't categorize either). Because she couldn't. Because she was so busy with herself and her small, sad world. This insecure-ambivalent attachment still triggers massive problems and anxiety in Erik today. And sometimes her hand slipped. Due to excessive demands. Which is still no excuse. Never.

Erik and his stepfather. Ahhhh I'd like to leave that out. I was thinking about creating a kind of comeback. How the stepfather starts stalking Erik after his release and kidnaps Reza and crazy shit like that. But nope. That's too much for me. His stepfather was a violent asshole. An alcoholic and a narcissist. Unemployed. He often beat Erik up when he had a meltdown, or didn't do his homework, or had to go home early from school, or just because he breathed too loudly. His stepfather gave him the missing little finger, the burn scars, the missing nose and the silver stripes on his back. I dislike this person so much that he has neither a name nor a face. And it stays that way.

Erik, the night owl. At the beginning of the story, you keep reading that he sleeps a lot, that he goes to bed early and that he can get up early (to buy Christine's present). He's just pretending. He can indeed sleep anywhere. Whether on the couch, a mattress or the floor. But he doesn't sleep for long. In bad phases, he hardly sleeps at all. In good phases, he sometimes manages 3 hours at a time. He may appear calm on the outside, but on the inside he is restless and under constant pressure. Disordered thoughts, the urge to create and the fear of nightmares keeps him awake. And yes, the nightmare I described is the tip of the iceberg. Erik dreams a lot and is always restless. He only experiences a state similar to sleep paralysis during bad triggers or depressive phases.

Finally: Sasha. Sasha is a Shepard-Spaniel mix. She is not a therapy dog. But she is Erik's anchor. She is smart, eager to learn and affectionate. There was also a Sasha in Kay's book. Erik learned to walk with the dog there and was able to experience affection through her. Sasha, in my story, keeps Erik in this world. She is his constant. His connection to the outside world. She supports him when he's not feeling well. She is always by his side. He even takes her with him to the hospital. He smuggles her everywhere he goes. Even if it sometimes seems as if Erik is annoyed by her when she jumps up at Christine or doesn't want to get on the streetcar or goes crazy with big dogs. He loves her to death. He would do anything for her.

Thanks for reading. :-D The text was longer than expected... Any questions?

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