#the bpd is real bad rn

[pale-pastel-girl]

🌙✨

[myriadsystem]

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[elliesbelle]

hii belle!! how are you??

going thru it a bit love, but i’m pushing through. how are you? <3

[v3nusxsky]

Hiya!

Could I request a morticia x fem!reader

Reader is really struggling with her mental health and is pushing morticia away but morticia finds out and comforts reader and helps reader open up

I’m here| h&c

*Authors note~ not me scrolling through my fic ideas because I wanted to make this perfect and considering my own bpd is playing up rn this felt good to write*

Trigger warnings~ mental health bpd reader self harm

Prompt~see ask^^^^

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You knew it was getting bad again, the unexplained bouts of anger and the flickering mood changes that honestly made you feel sea sick half the time. It was driving you insane, the hallucinations and paranoia causing you to isolate yourself, not leaving your room for anything. It was getting hard to know what was real and what wasn’t so you felt it was better for you and really everyone else.

You had no idea how to get out of this storm, your arms and legs littered in fresh cuts and scars from the older ones. You needed to feel something at least and if that’s what worked then you would continue. It wasn’t like you felt the pain anymore anyway, you were more numb than anything else. You figured you were safe to be alone for a while, most the students and staff had gone for the break, you choose to stay at Nevermore in favour of avoiding some awkward painful moments with your family.

The knock on your door startled you, you didn’t even know if anyone knew you were here. But that’s when you heard her voice. Larissa knew how you felt for Morticia so when she had noticed you not coming out of your room and knowing you had a rough past she asked the raven haired woman to check on you. “Mon chérie? Can you let me” she murmured to you, the way she spoke French always got her what she desired from you so naturally you opened the door forgetting momentarily what state you were in. “Tish?” You whimpered as you watched her face fall at the state of you.

The raven haired woman slipped into your dorm and shut your door. “Y/n, Mon amour?” Was all it took for you to break down in harsh sobs. The care and concern in her voice setting off the emotional outburst. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry!” You cried as your legs gave out on you, yet you never hit the ground thanks to the other woman. “I’ve got you, it’s okay it’s gonna be okay. I’ve got you” she murmured to you on a loop just holding you as you cried. You’d told morticia of your bpd and she could quickly identify this as a depressive episode, she knew all she could do is be here for you and help you through it, just glad Larissa had informed her of it before it got really dangerous.

You managed to calm yourself by using her scent and her beating heart to ground yourself, the onslaught of overwhelming emotions exhausting you but the paranoia still present. “I’m sorry Tish you must hate me now! I get it I know I’m too much I’m sorry you can leave” you whimpered only to be hushed by her lips touching the crown of your head. “I’m not leaving you mon amour, shall we take a nap my darling?” With a nod of consent you let her clean and bandage the cuts before crawling into bed with her and snuggling on her chest. “Is this okay?” You whispered. “It’s perfect darling. Now let’s take a nap and see how you feel when we wake up okay?”

[snailsagere]

Please read my dni in my bio before interacting

Life update #2

CW- mental health talk, I am not mentally ok rn so I may sound a bit off? Idk I'm trying my best :'3

Sorry for not doing these much, stuff doesn't change much for me it's kinda consistently bad haha so there's not much to update on but I'm not sure guess I can also update on general stuff

So I mentioned this a few posts ago but I started a YouTube channel and I'm actually getting views which I'm still in shock over because I'm really not entertaining like at all tbh so yay! It's been a dream of mine since I was really little so yea :3

Other than that I've been doing really badly recently I did a tarot reading at the start of the year and it pretty much said I would be depressed for the first 6 months and so I can far it checks out haha, I'm not worried it's good to know in advance, but I have been having a bpd episode for the past few weeks so everything's been really messy, I didn't realise I was having an episode until a few days ago, it's especially bad today I had nightmares all night and couldn't sleep because I kept hearing and seeing things so I'm staying home from school today + I'm really stressed, I have my A levels this year and I'm real dumb so I'm gonna fail them probs, we'll seee (I don't need anyone to tell me that I'm not dumb or anything btw I'm not saying it for attention I'm just saying my feelings) please just don't be mean

Sorry that was a lot, that's all for now, I hope you're doing well and having a lovely day or night :3

[reverieaa]

Your perspective makes things seem easy but imo when changing something like your appearence it can be very tricky to accept your desire as real in the 4d while the 3d is still loading. Pls dont feel like im dumping my negativity onto your tumblr but like I have bdd and today Im gonna miss ANOTHER party because i look disgusting and dont want anyone taking my pictures. Its hard to manage all of that while simouteinasly "living in the 4d".

If i really had my DF I would be taking so many pictures rn, i would be going out n having fun.... this is just an example as to why sometimes ppl may prefer affirming other than living in wish fullfiled, tho affirming doesnt rlly give me results either.

I understand where you're coming from, even though loa is a simple concept to work with it's still not easy for people because you're changing your whole view on life and breaking habits you've been taught since birth and I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. This is why I advice ppl to NEVER blame or bully themselves for spiraling and being human, that is normal.

However the reason why people may find it hard to live in the 4D and when they do only spiral bc of the 3D is because they still believe they are an outer man, meaning they have read loa but don't fully understand it or have not yet accepted it. Licing in your imagination is somthing you should want to do, not force yourself to do until you feel bad.

Like Neville said when he addressed this, words themselves have no power without you, so using affirming as a way to "get things" only leads to more lack because that's what they have accepted from the beginning. You could live in the 4D, have a perfect life and take amazing pictures, but if you don't see it as real you're going to feel delusional and feel like you're forcing yourself to "be something you're not" which will make you sprial and give up.

Trust me I have been through the affirming thing, other techniques too that never worked for me, when i entered the wish fulfilled state once, it was the most amazing feeling in my life because I did not care what the 3D was showing in the slightest, it was automatic. These problems that relate to "the 3D", persisting, negative thoughts and "how will it come abt" take care of themselves and dissappear when you put yourself first by fulfilling yourself with whatever it is you desire. To give yourself what you want and be gentle is to love yourself, to trust imagination is to trust yourself. You never ever, try to push your emotions away.

However I have no experience with BPD so I really do not have any specific advice, nor a relatable experience, therefore if this does not resonate with you than that that is totally ok 💕 I hope no one feels like they have to take my words as gospel and degrade themselves over their mental health and push it away. Always do what you feel is easiest and best for you. Take care💐

[girlwithfish]

and of course since hes acting like hes normal and nice and like nothing shitty happened between us- you know i guess its not so black and white where this person is bad or this person is entirely good but i guess to me he is mostly bad. even though its confusing to think about and look back upon but im having some thoughts rn and idk its confusing. To me he is not a good person bc how he was to me. he can be the nicest person to other people but to me he was abusive. and i feel bad a lot where idk if its me or if i made him that way toward me or its my bpds fault and whatnot but regardless you should not be fighting your partner and his decisions and actions to be deliberately physically aggressive w/ me are on him. i think thats how i feel about it atm or how im trying 2 make sense of it. like yeah im sure hes a great guy to other people to his family whatever but to me he was not and thats ok if other people dont know that or understand its just something i have 2 deal with and move on and i think i am moving on more bc i havent been nearly as angry anymore the past week compared to a month ago, compared to 2 weeks ago etc. but i get scared i'm absolving him or something. idk if it matters. i guess u just go through something shit and traumatic and have 2 move on and even though there are still moments where im angry or have a vindictive part of me that wishes people knew how shit he was idk thats not how it works and closure isnt real and abuse is complicated. i guess. but anyway i was going 2 say lol that shortly after the breakup he was saying he saw my tumblr blog still even tho i changed my url and i was really paranoid hed get angry w/ me for talking about the breakup and the stuff that was coming out for me mentally like the abuse i talked about it more on here after i was out and processing and things were coming back up that id locked away. and he was like yeah i can still see ur blog but idc what u post haha - acting like im being silly or paranoid and being nonchalant about it and even insinuating that my followers have a warped view of what happened or something based on what im saying but he doesnt care idk. some bs like that. anyway and it just made me mad at the time bc i remember back in May of last year i had posted vaguely about getting into a "physical altercation" and we were both home and he confronted m in person and was pretty pissed and talking about some of his mutuals from discord follow me on tumblr and snatched my phone out of my hand and deleted the post lol. so it made me mad how he decides to act all nonchalant and like oh ofc idc what u post and idk how to describe it. but yeah that makes me mad lol. and i was slowly dying in that relationship and i so badly tried to stick it out the end of november even though when i look back on my mental and emotional state i see so clearly i was getting boiled alive just dying and idk. the relationship was bad for many reasons many reasons im sure i contributed to and i have to admit i contributed to but the abuse and trauma i went through it was messed up and i still dont have the answers for how someone who supposedly loved me could treat me in so many horrible ways but i know thats not how love is supposed 2 be or a relationship. yipee

[bpd-culture-is]

when you're not even sure that you HAVE bpd because the doctors said it's likely but they haven't given a sure diagnosis, but you've been manic for two weeks and can't tell what's real or fake anymore because everything seems like a bad dream, and that you've just been locked and rotting away.

and then the doctors take everything away including your phone so you can't talk to your fp.

(this is happening rn)

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[dreamcrush]

for the idol identity ask game: 5 + 8 + 10. questions go to both mods + for any/as many of your kins as you want :]

5. Is there anyway your timeline differed from source? It could be a small or big thing.

erm im miker . my mika canon is rather divergent just because im uhh worse maybe. im very reclusive and not good at friends at all and really don’t have. any friends for the most part until i get put in the dorm system with ritsu. that’s because naru ended up dropping me, she got real mad at how bpd i was basically and said i was hurting her and a terrible friend and she just stopped talking to me around the same time nazunii left valkyrie too. so my whole first n second year pretty much im just all alone, and im real scared of people so i don’t really wanna make too many friends anyways. i just stay real close with oshisan and madonee and latch on to them for dear life. eventually i am real good friends with ritsu, i love him a whole lot. we might have been more than friends but i don’t super understand emotions like that so im no good at telling. i love him though i know that for truth. and i love oshi san and madonee. i don’t end up being able to forgive nazunii ever really i don’t think… like i’ve read human comedy and it’s just not quite right. there’s too much hurt there still i think for me let go of. maybe more stuff i don’t remember rn - 🏹

I just recently discovered I kin Tsumugi and it's quite a bit divergent. I think I was actually in Eden possibly? Or just another unit entirely as things with Natsume didn't go as well as hoped. I'm still remembering things and working out the issues / gaps of recollection but yeah! - 🪽

8. Who was your closest friend? Tell me about them.

as izumi my best friends are chiaki and kaoru. this is constant across a Lot of my canons and i have some rather divergent ones too. chiaki is energetic and loud and kind of gross and sweaty but as long as he doesn’t touch me i don’t give him As much of a hard time about it. he smells like boys and jumps all over people and is always eager to help and be praised and always willing to offer a listening ear or to dish out attention, which is much appreciated. he’s very emotional and not super great at thinking things through and he harbors a lot of anxiety he doesn’t like to let others know about, but i do, and kaoru does too, and we’re his friends and we help where we can. kaoru is closed off like i am, pretty faces and teasing and sweet cologne to hopefully distract you from picking out whatever is hurting in his heart. not me though, im not into him, but i see the pain settling the surface tension there, and i don’t ignore it. they take care of me more than perhaps id ever want to admit, but i take care of those two losers too. chiaki was probably one of the biggest reasons i didn’t end up offing myself or doing something otherwise seriously bad after leo left so genuinely in a way i owe him and his comfort and genuine care for me my life. and kaoru is so unsure about himself, has so much disgust and hatred built up in his heart towards his own person and i help him figure things out as best i can. i help with feelings and love in a way his family never cared to teach him, i help him figure out he likes boys, figure out he likes kanata and chiaki, figure out that it’s okay to be a little open, a little vulnerable every once in a while, that it can feel good to be close with another guy even if just as a friend, because community is good and closeness feels terrifying but healing. they’re my best friends. i love them a lot. - 🏹

Leo time- I kinda want to take this to talk a little about Mama? I don't remember him as well as I kinda wish I did? And I don't know if i'd even call him my closest friend but I do know I cared about him and things were really hard with things revolving around him but I'm starting to slowly remember a few things and he was just. very protective of me? he was protective of anyone he cared about of course but i just remember he was there to help with a lot of things. not that sena wasn't enough for me and didn't help enough but with how much i split on him and was clashed it was nice to have a friend to bounce that energy off of and that's what mama was for me. he's just a really good person deep down i think. - 🪽

10. Was there a relationship (doesn't need to be romantic) in your canon you find funny looking back on?

jun and nagisa for real. we were pretty good friends especially because of how ohiisan is, but we are from very different worlds and are very different personalities. i like video games and working out and a ton of typical boy stuff i don’t think nagisenpai was ever exposed to at all. but he likes animals and archeology and reading and quiet the likes that i’ve never really engaged with before either. i play games with him, hang out with him on downtime, practice together, rest together. ohiisans always happy to see us getting along well too, so that’s a bonus, even if he’s got his jealous streak. it’s funny though in that i expose him to a lot of internet stuff for the first time really, stuff like shooter games and memes / stupid funny shit and a bunch of new things that his autism gets kinda hung up on, i think he has fun though. and i even cater stuff to try and be more inclusive with him, or pick things i think he might like more. he likes watching me play shooters more than playing them himself, but i hear about games that have archeology functions or emphasis on different gems or bones or any of these things he’s into and im like hey let’s check it out. it’s just fun - 🏹

literally as mao my relationship with ritsu LMAO because i do not have a canon so far where i was ever with him romantically but he would always tell everyone we were or somehow convince them we were, despite me usually being with someone else romantically. i loved him obviously and sometimes it did feel like more than friendship but i wouldnt say anything deeply romantic. it just always makes me laugh how we were never romantically together to my recollection. - 🪽

[pezpenser205]

im probs gonna delete this later but alas. this is my diary now

recently every time ive gotten angry or sad at night like this i get closer to just deleting everything ive built and blocking everyone i cared about and going back to living for my addiction again. just going back to numbers. the only thing that was real and always true and made any sense at all. spreadsheets and diaries all dedicated to something unhealthy that was killing me, but at least it made sense. i was close before when i deleted my account near the beginning of the year(?) i think. idk im debating smth rn. im torn

i know ill regret it but it feels worth it. its like throwing up. i feel sick and tainted and nauseated with how much there is of me here now. if i delete it all the feeling will go away and ill feel relieved but still regretful that i did anything at all. ive never kept a community or been a person for this long and im not really sure how much longer im gonna be able to do it before i flush my entire presence down the toilet again.

i know its just my npd/bpd making me feel this way. but the knowledge that it will be bad doesnt make me want to do it any less though. i just wanna be clean and not be so full of people and opinions. does that make sense? its like ive known too many people while being this person and im still knowing more and its crowded and cramped and i want everyone out of me because i dont know which people are me and which ones im emulating anymore. and its not that i dont like these people that are all crowded inside of me. its that i cant breathe.

[pale-pastel-girl]

TW // bpd venting

i went into bpd remission for a couple of years, and now the bpd is bpding worse than ever and i do not know what to do about it lol

like, i feel very splitty lately. my rage is getting triggered again. i can feel myself wanting external validation that i’m hot and cool and kind. i’m swinging wildly from “i’m literally fucking perfect and fuck anyone who says otherwise” and “i’m literally a burden to everyone in my life and the universe itself and i should not exist”. and the PSYCHOSIS. the fucking psychosis. hallucinations, loss of joy in everything, catatonia, delusions. fuck, man. this shit fucking SUCKS. why is this shit romanticized????

any way, psychosis bingo card lol left the blank if you also experience psychosis and wanna fill it out

[compassionatereminders]

Hey Kat! If you're interested in some gossip (no pressure to advise or comfort or anything, think of it as a spicy little chat over tea), I have had the weirdest time of my goddamn life recently. To sum up a VERY convoluted and long story: within the last month or so my (23f) flatmate (32m) and I learned that we were both mutually attracted to each other, had crises about it, he ended his toxic and dead-in-the-water relationship, we became sort of... casual intimate FWBs? with the understanding that anything between us was temporary because we cannot see it continuing on after our tenancy ends. But I care about him deeply and one night came home juuust a little hammered and told him "you're my friend and I love you", which I PROMISE i meant platonically, and told him he didnt have to respond, because he's got some trauma about forming friendships with people. Then the NEXT night, I woke up in the middle of the night to hear him whispering something to me that I couldn't completely catch, but I caught "(??????) I love you" and I said "you love me?" and he said "I love you". And I said "love you too" because ???? I don't know??? It made sense at the time???

Anyway. This is a very cishet very neurotypical man who i dont think views open affection the same way I do, so it threw me a bit and i spent the weekend wondering what he meant by it and what I wanted him to mean. Then I confronted him about it the other night, and it turns out he didn't even remember saying it. Then he pointed out that I said it first and I clarified that I HAD meant it platonically when I said "you're my friend and I love you". However I did not tell him that I said it back when he said it to me because I'm a chicken I guess. and I wanted to have a clear answer on my own feelings first. But then he said he doesnt have any romantic feelings for me, just friendly ones.

And instead of feeling relieved about it I'm feeling RESIGNED. And DISAPPOINTED. so now I have to process THAT? because I think I might have feelings for him for real??? And I don't know that I've meant the "I love you"s COMPLETELY platonically since that first drunk one?? But also he's 9 YEARS OLDER THAN ME and this is going to be temporary no matter what and frankly I prefer it that way, it takes the pressure off, but both of us have been starved for intimacy and apparently (possible BPD?) I am BAD at keeping things casual holy shit. Now I have to figure out what to do next because he seems to have pulled away a bit ever since the i love you exchange, and I'm worried I put him off or something with all this but also holy shit I am a MESS of a person this isn't usually my life I swear. I just feel like I'm living through a badly written fanfiction rn. He's a carpet of red flags but also he's so important to me but also he needs a friend more than a partner right now but also I want to kiss him without having sex about it. Maybe I'm just intimacy starved. I feel so stupid. I think im going to have to ask for time to sort my feelings out because i literally was "trust me this is gonna be platonic its fine im not about to fall in love" YEET.

ANYWAY HOPE YOU'RE WELL you dont have to respond to this with anything in particular or at all, just needed a little vent without oversharing with my irls fhhshds. Sorry this is so long and such a trainwreck i am in hell

Damn what a mess... Honestly it sounds like the best thing you can do by now is get your ass entirely off the train track cause at this point the only other potential ending is likely to be a giant wreck

[disjecta-membras]

ig i should do a real intro

-my name is nick but disjecta is cool. pronouns he/xe/she/woof/kit/arach

-im autistic, my special interest of 7 is the sims lore, and special interest of almost 2 years is car seat headrest

-im what the kids call "chronically online", i speak in the most obscure references and don't get out much

-im a furry, my sona is rez the fennec fox

-i could talk about music for hours if you want me to make you a playlist i will even if i don't know you

-i used to write alot but now i don't due to good ol ao3 author's curse (my life is a bad movie i swear). might start again soon!

-im poly so far i have one bf hopefully i can obtain more (hj)

-my top kins are vriska homestuck and asuka evangelion

-I LOVE ANIMALS favs rn are pallas cat and fennec fox

-other musicians i really like are phoebe bridgers, 4lung, taylor swift, black dresses, lana del rey, alex g, and mitski

-shows n games stuff i like: my little pony friendship is magic, bluey, neon gen evangelion, madoka magica, parks and rec, splatoon, zelda

-i really actually enjoy stranger things but dislike alot of the fandom (milevens, adult eddie stannies). byler and jargyle tbh

-i really like plushies

-i don't really have a dni besides the obvious stuff but id prefer you not interact if you're a 4lung/black dresses/cate wurtz anti as i find y'all to be transmisogynistic as hell. gross. also dense ppl, "is this satire" commenters, adult eddie munson stans, overstaters of harm, mfs who think furries r zoos, rap music haters, genshin fans, i think yall r weirrdd

-not gonna sugarcoat, im extremely mentally ill (bpd, cptsd, severe depression and anxiety) so please be patient!

this has been the most terrifying intro you will ever have to witness, toodles!

[melspuppies8282]

Just needed to vent for a second about my situation:

Okay so about a month ago I made a post to multiple accounts (I don't think I made one here, mostly it was to inform people of late messages to the other accounts) about my living situation and complications due to it. I just wanted to say that as of now, my mom has saved my childhood home and I'm going to be staying there for the time being.

Over the last 2 months, the people I was going to move in with have been having complications with their own living situation. I'm going to be vague in this post bc it's just a vent, but I needed stuff off my chest.

So one of my friends (that I've been close friends with since middle school) is engaged to someone. This person I have become friends with, but I didn't like them at first due to their personality. I have grown to accept it and I've been good friends with them since. The fiancee's mom I am also friends with, and I have grown fond of. I was helping them bc their landlord is a real prick and has been making them paranoid for months, and gave an eviction notice for things that weren't called for. They recently had trouble with another roommate that screwed them over, so we all planned to move somewhere bc I was gonna lose my house anyway. I don't have a job rn, and I am $3,500 in debt as this post is being written. They said they would help me on my feet, helped me get a phone bc my line had been disconnected, and said I would pay rent once I got stuff figured out. I am forever grateful for their help.

I am an alcoholic and I have mental illness. Around the time of this discussion, I had a relapse and it severely messed up my relationship with my fiancee. I decided to go sober again, and as it stands, today I am 47 days sober. I am very proud of myself, but I have been struggling lately to stay that way. I am severely depressed, severely anxious, and my BPD has been so bad since the last day of my relapse. During the last day of the relapse I had gone to the friends birthday party where I blacked out, and it caused a major argument between me and my fiancee, and I am currently making amends with what happened and growing from it.

With all of this, I have been ill. I had a stomach pain around my diaphragm, and a numb tongue. I had gone to the doctor and got started on medication. I have my second doctor visit tomorrow, and although I don't have the pain, I have been struggling to eat, drink, or move around a lot. I only get out of my house to go to AA, and I have been getting an extreme pain in my spinal area. The stress of everyone around me made my symptoms worse at the time, so I barely spoke to people during this time if it wasn't urgent.

However, that had gone disrespected, as I was in a group chat consisting of me, 2 of my friends, the friends fiancee, and my fiancee. The group chat was meant for ranting, but turned into people coming to me to rant privately and instead in the group chat posting memes and spamming. I had asked multiple times for the group chat to stay for ranting, which was disrespected, and so I muted the chat. In the past, people would ask if it was okay to vent to me, which I would give a yes or no based on my mental state, which then turned into me being the only one asking and them ranting whenever. I have struggled talking to people due to fear of abandonment bc of this.

I decided not to move in with those people due to multiple reasons. The friends fiancee's attitude, and how it kept triggering me and my own mental health were beginning to affect my sobriety. In their house there was alcohol and weed, and I told them before it shouldn't bother me as long as it wasn't in reach, but then had been on my mind a lot while there. I don't have a car, and I like a specific AA meeting because it's smaller, and my social anxiety isn't as bad bc there is at least 3 faces I recognize every time I go. I felt like a burden on some occasions, asking if they could take me. It had gotten to a point where the last time I saw them, I planned on taking the bus bc of the fiancee's attitude, and I didn't want to cause an issue, and they took me and I cried during the meeting.

I do not currently go to therapy bc of my financial situation, so I have been relying on AA a lot to help me through my situations, as I am struggling to stay clean during all of this. It brought to light my own boundaries and decisions in the process, which I had expressed to the friend during our outing the day of that AA meeting i had previously mentioned. I had expressed how I really felt, and how I felt going forward, and how if something didn't change I wasn't sure of the future. She came to me and expressed emotions on how she truly felt as well, and I was able to explain that during the panic of their situation, I felt like a mediator and I didn't want that. I told them how it made me really anxious and I was worried for them, and how they were going to handle stuff. I told her at the end of the day I'm listening to her decisions and opinions the most bc she is my friend. Without her, the other people in the house mean little to me. She told me she understood. Before this, I had explained on why I wasn't coming over as much, due to the stress of everything and my health. I had said it rudely, and I apologized for that on multiple occasions, bc there is no excuse for my behavior.

A while ago, 2 texts where sent. One from the friend, and one from the fiancee's mom. The friend expressed not knowing what was going on before saying that we (me and the possible other person moving in) where at fault for things regarding the move, and to talk to them. I had called and expressed my emotions regarding the move, once again, and said I was no longer moving in due to the lack of information from the people in the house. I had wanted to do a call on that Sunday (this call previously mentioned was 2 days later) but didn't receive any information on if it was alright to do so. The text from the fiancee's mom didn't make sense, saying about "broken trust" when I had been honest from the beginning.

I am no longer moving, but I am still in financial trouble, and the urge to relapse is so strong I can barely do anything else. My fiancee is the only one talking to me, and I am so frustrated about how everything has come around, I can barely do anything else. My non-alive ideation is through the roof, and I don't think it would matter to anyone, anyway.

Everyone I've talked to about the situation (mostly the people from AA) have said I'm making the right decision setting this boundary for my sobriety, and to just believe it will work out. I feel awful in my decision, and as if I'm doing something wrong, and that I've lost everyone in caring for myself right now. I really want to get better and for people to want me for me, not what I do for them. It's so hard making friends anymore, that I just want to never make any ever again.

I am working on finding a job, and with that I will move out once I get this debt paid off. But it feels so far away, I feel like it'll never happen. And I feel like this could have been avoided if people just took the initiative and just focused on who already gave an answer, not the potentials.

I was supposed to talk the them Friday, but I no longer wish to do so. If I am "breaking trust" by setting a boundary, there is no point in me explaining my decision, because they already made theirs.

I am getting back into my own religion, and have been speaking with mother nature lately and trying to find some answers. I have been talking to my deceased father as well, praying he'll help me keep the friends that are true and reveal people's intentions. I have been speaking with my fiancee a lot to help me through this, and explaining my thoughts towards things and being more open about my dark thoughts and what I am truly feeling. I know I'll make it through this. I just don't know how.

My ED is flaring like crazy, and since I don't have any money it's only encouraging it more. My life feels like I've hit rock bottom. I'm laying on it, just wanting to stand back up and crawl out of it. I know I can. I just have to do it somehow.

I am trying to stay positive about all of this, but it's so hard. I just want to lie down and rot. I have a wonderful fiancee who makes sure to take care of me when he can. Without him I don't think I'd survive this.

I just needed stuff off my chest, and I didn't feel right leaving it on my sad blog, because I just want it out there. I want to be seen and heard, and know that it'll work out. I'm hoping my prayers and willingness for it to work out will let it. I just need a little hope that I can make it through this. Even if it's just a funny picture on tumblr, I just need something to survive another day. I just need another 24 hours. I say that every day anymore.

I just need to be cared for like I care for everyone else.

[self-h-rmageddon]

im so ashamed actually!!!!!!!!!!! so terribly ashamed i feel like the most disgusting person in the world, cuz thats how intense my brain works it thinks like. oh have yr friends ever called furries weird or implied they thought furries were weird? that means they think you are weird which means they basically want nothing to do with you you should kill yourself NOW!!!!!! i said damn bitch!!!!!! god forbid a man be passionate about. things.

it really is just cuz it has nothing to do with them i think thats one of the core reasons, its completely unrelated and i dont think theyd be interested so... do not RISK IT. maybe im selfish, i just.. i cant stand the thought of something i do being unappealing to them, i cant stand the thought of them looking away. any little thing could be a huge thing!!!! could be the worst thing ever actually could be the end of all things could ruin this

do i think being a furry is going to ruin my relationships? realistically, no. why would it? ive ALWAYS been a furry artist, so.. why am i so scared? sorry if you have to see this its very VERY embarrassing but LORD i am not winning the mental illness rn dear god

its like my head constantly makes hurdles for itself, but like. FOR OTHER PEOPLE. like okay.. they dont hate you cuz yr trans, cool cool... they dont hate you cuz yr have bpd, surprisingly!!!! alright. they dont hate you cuz yr fat, right.. but heres this NEW thing, they SURELY will hate you cuz you draw anthros like you are FUCKED say goodbye to everything dipshit. erm........... whats it gonna be next? theyll hate yr taste in fictional men, thatll do it!!! theyll hate yr music taste, theyll hate you for yr mental illness (not that one, the other one. they were fine with that one but THIS one theyll hate you for surely)

it pisses me off too, i KNOW my friends are good people. i dont seriously THINK that of them, i dont think theyre vicious and waiting to toss me away at any turn but... im still scared of it. i said it before, im scared ill be the one to bring that out of them like im somehow SO terrible ill make the best people ive ever met turn on me like that. FOR DRAWING FURRIES? are you actually stupid (yes)

i cant blame myself too much im. doing the best i can im unmedicated untherapied im . IM DOING PRETTY GOOD for someone whos been carrying several weird ailments and still just chugging along, i manage my symptoms when i can i do my best!!! but fighting yr own brain is FUCKING HARD... why is bro sabotaging me? why is it making me impulsive and scared like that? stupid quit it!!!! i got furries to draw i MISS IT SO MUCH I MISS MY GUYS. IM JUST... im a coward!!!!! i cant ever be like. well so what, who cares what they think? ME BITCH I CARE WHAT THEY THINK.. i hear everything they say, i remember all the things they say they like and dont like, and i internalize it subconsciously. they think this is weird and they personally dont like it? alright well you dont have much of an opinion on it OR you do actually like it so thats BAD we need to cut that shit immediately you will feel SHAME for something harmless cuz you think itll make them keep you longer

dont you get tired of it? YEAH i get real fuckin tired of it. so many times ive tried to like.. force myself back into what i love but as embarrassing as it is to admit, in my head their opinion on things is greater than my own. i struggle with putting people on a pedestal and ive actually been doing REALLY WELL with that like no they are my equals they are my best friends i love them i give them kiss but. The Horrors 💀 like i said it all comes out of fear, fear of being rejected and left to DIE ALONE IN THE COLD. do i think thatll ever happen? no!!! but do i fear it? absolutely. its less of like 'i see you as better than me' and more of 'im afraid to disappoint you and make you leave' which i feel like is pretty standard for someone like me

WHATEVERRR i should stop being such a litle bitch about it, ill try. i just hate feeling like everything i do is a test, i hate feeling so unsure about myself, if i move too fast itll shatter. it wont!!!! relax 🙄

[goremet-chef]

not home rn but i miss my cat

literally left this morning and im coming back tomorrow so its only a day but. saw relatives and met a bunch of animals and it was nice they were all very sweet but i miss mine

idk i just. the bond we have is like.. special? to me it is. shes the most important thing in the whole world to me, i live for her. i know also like???

it's an interesting overlay, between owning a pet and having BPD. i think having a pet as an FP is just so much better. no complex human emotions and connections. ill never really feel betrayed or abandoned cuz she's just a cat, she wouldn't do anything to HURT me, y'know? so even if i do feel momentarily hurt by something, it goes away cuz i know better

plus she's just not like my other pets. even our other cats. like no disrespect, love them but they just feel real cat-ish. Miko is more than that. she just likes to spend time and be real close, i read her better than i can read people. shes everything to me

i always get horribly homesick when im away from her, it's like leaving a part of myself home. any trips we take are BITTERSWEET cuz i might be having fun but nothing compares to cuddling up with her in bed, just knowing shes there waiting for me hurts so bad

admittedly it's a bit of a sore spot. before i came to live with my mom, Miko belonged to my older sister. my sister can't read animals to save her life, she's left 2 cats with us and fucked off. gets them cuz she thinks she wants them and moves on

they found miko in a parking lot, seemed like she was abandoned by her mom. and then she was abandoned by my sister, not like. EXTREMELY cuz obviously the other people in the house took care of her but Knowing she was just.. alone all the time.

knowing she could be lonely makes me so sad, i never want her to feel abandoned ever again. my family says i think too much, but i can't help it. I love her so much it hurts, i miss her a lot. i just hope she knows id never leave her behind, i wish she could understand me when i tell her she's the prettiest girl in the whole world, when i tell her how much i love her

i feel so lucky that she's so affectionate with me. shes not with anyone else, just me. it makes me feel so special, guhhhh

im only making myself miss her more but im overwhelmed i need to make miko appreciation post

here's some pics

like she has no idea id do ANYTHING for her, she doesn't know she's my top priority all the time. it's the least i could do honestly