#the desire for connection and understanding

[bowsersthots]

When you take her, you aren’t just grabbing her and manhandling her. You aren’t just forcing your dick in her wet pussy and fucking her till you cum.

When you take her, you consume her in a deep primal way. She becomes connected to you in a way that few people will ever understand. She will do almost anything you desire to be with you because she’s become a part of you and needs you in a way that she may not even fully grasp.

When you take her, you own her. Are you ready for that?

She’s pinned, powerless, and pulsing for him. He doesn’t just take her,. He consumes her.

[astrofaeology]

Venus in the Signs

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ᡣ𐭩 Please support me by reposting, liking, following me and commenting your placement. Venus in the natal chart represents love, romance and luxury. Knowing your venus placement can help you understand what type of beauty/love language you have.

0º is the degree which doesn't have a coresponding sign assigned to it. It's a fresh new degree and will amplify the themes of the sign that it's in

Aries (1,13,25º) Your approach to love is characterised by a straightforward, bold, and exuberant energy that frequently leads to you falling in love quickly and pursuing your desires with unwavering devotion. You don't hang around; you connect with a powerful sense of competition, appreciating the excitement of a new romance and the thrill of the chase. However, due to your impulsivity, you may get into partnerships without much consideration and occasionally become disenchanted once the initial spark has faded. You are drawn to strong, self-sufficient individuals who share your zest for life and are not afraid to take risks. You value a partner who understands your need for freedom and adventure, and you express your feelings in an honest, direct, and occasionally open manner.

Taurus (2, 14, 26°) The experience of love is incredibly affectionate, stable, and sensual. You appreciate tangible signs of love like physical contact, appealing surroundings, and the stability that comes with a committed partnership. You are searching for comfort, reliability, and long-term relationships. You enjoy sharing the finer things in life, like delicious food, art, the outdoors, and luxurious comforts, with your partner. Your enduring dedication and desire to create a secure, peaceful home environment are signs of your affection. Once you've settled into a comfortable pattern, you might struggle with possessiveness or an inability to adapt because change can be upsetting.

Gemini (3, 15, 27°) You prefer fascinating convosations and intellectual hobbies, thus your love language is witty and cheeky. You flourish with partners who can keep up with your quick-witted, curious mind and engage you in a wide range of topics; you require diversity, freedom, and an open mind in your relationships. Clever teasing, exchanging ideas, and a never-ending desire for new experiences—whether travelling to new countries or learning new things together—are all ways to express your love for one another. When it comes to long-term commitment, the issue may be a sense of emotional detachment, as you may intellectualise your thoughts rather than genuinely express them, as well as restlessness or hesitation. You need a spouse who understands your need for independence and intellectual stimulation.

Cancer (4, 16, 28°) indicates a loving, sensitive, and deeply emotional heart, in which you prioritise profound security and a strong emotional attachment over all else. You are extremely compassionate and protective of those you love, frequently acting as a carer in partnerships. Your feelings are conveyed through acts of kindness, genuine empathy, and a strong desire to establish a safe, caring family environment. You place a high emphasis on tradition, family, and a sense of belonging, frequently forging lifelong bonds. However, your strong emotional nature might lead to moodiness, clinginess, or lingering on past hurts, and it may take you a long time to trust and open up completely to a new relationship.

Leo (5, 17, 29°) Your love style is passionate, generous, and a little dramatic; you frequently seek to be the centre of attention in your relationships. You show your love grandly, with sweeping gestures, impassioned statements, and a desire to make your spouse feel truly special and cherished. You thrive on adoration and acclaim, and you require a partner who values your charisma and originality and places you on a pedestal. You place a high value on loyalty and demand nothing less in return. While your warmth and compassion are evident, you might be prone to jealously if you feel unappreciated or overlooked, and your pride may make it tough to confess mistakes.

Virgo (6, 18° ) implies a realistic, committed, and analytical approach to love, in which you express your passion by acts of service, thoughtful gestures, and unshakeable attention to detail. You are extremely supportive and helpful, and you frequently display your love by attempting to improve or simplify your partner's life. You cherish dependability, efficiency, and a companion who understands your need for order and self-improvement. While your commitment is strong, your analytical side can often lead to being overly critical of yourself and your lover, or to overthinking emotions rather than simply experiencing them. You're looking for a spouse who is grounded, intellectual, and appreciates your diligence.

Libra (7, 19°) Harmony, balance, and partnership are essential in your relationships. You exude a polite, diplomatic, and fair-minded demeanour, always working to create a tranquil and aesthetically beautiful atmosphere. You value mutual respect, teamwork, and shared experiences. Your feelings are manifested through a sophisticated appreciation for beauty, a willingness to compromise, and an innate capacity to make others feel at ease and cherished. You may struggle with indecision, a strong desire to avoid disagreement at all costs, and a tendency to prioritise your partner's demands over your own, which can lead to people-pleasing behaviour.

Scorpio( 8, 20°) suggests an intense, passionate, and genuinely faithful love nature, in which you seek deep emotional and psychological bonds. You are drawn to the enigmatic, profound, and transforming parts of a relationship, looking for a connection that goes deeper than the surface. Your feelings are conveyed through unwavering loyalty, intense intimacy, and a yearning to join souls with your spouse. You place the highest emphasis on honesty and authenticity, and you fiercely protect those you care about. This intensity, however, might emerge as possessiveness, jealousy, and a proclivity for power conflicts, since you are strongly affected by betrayals and carry grudges.

Sagittarius (9, 21°) Your love life is defined by a fun-loving, free-spirited, and adventurous personality. You want intellectual connection and shared experiences, valuing honesty, freedom, and a partner who will accompany you on your many life adventures. You are drawn to open-minded people who share your enthusiasm for learning, travel, and philosophical talks. Your affections are communicated through optimism, shared laughter, and a sense of community, which frequently blends friendship and romance. The difficulty for you may be a fear of commitment, restlessness that prevents you from feeling tied down, and, on occasion, emotional detachment as you prioritise freedom and progress over intimate closeness.

Capricorn (10, 22º) reflects a solid, practical, and slightly guarded approach to love. You take relationships seriously, looking for long-term commitment, stability, and a partner that exemplifies maturity and dependability. You are typically cautious in love, preferring to lay a solid foundation over time rather than rush into things. Your affections are conveyed through responsibility, loyalty, and a modest but intense commitment, which frequently prioritises your partner's safety and your shared destiny. You value prestige, achievement, and tradition and are drawn to those who are ambitious and respected. The possible problem here is appearing cold or distant because you may struggle to openly express your emotions, as well as a preference for profession or public image over emotional vulnerability.

Aquarius (11, 23°) Love is a warm, unusual, and intellectual affair in which you respect uniqueness and open-mindedness in your interactions. You are drawn to folks who are unusual, clever, and progressive, and who can challenge your thinking while still sharing your humanitarian beliefs. Your feelings are conveyed through common interests, fascinating interactions, and a respect for personal autonomy within the partnership. You often combine friendship and romance, and you may choose unorthodox relationship patterns. The issue can be a propensity towards emotional detachment, as you may prioritise intellectual connection above real intimacy, as well as an element of unpredictability in your romantic gestures as you resist being constrained by traditional expectations.

Pisces (12, 24°) Your love is passionately romantic, sympathetic, and extremely idealistic. You long for a soulmate, someone with whom you can have a spiritual and sympathetic tie. Your feelings are communicated through deep empathy, unconditional love, and a readiness to make sacrifices for the person you care about. You are artistic, imaginative, and extremely sensitive, always seeing the best in others and fantasising about an ethereal, perfect link. As a result of your unlimited idealism, you may be easily hurt, prone to martyrdom, or ignore red flags in relationships. You may also be prone to escapism, preferring romantic fantasies to everyday realities.

DISCLAIMER: None of my posts are intended to cause strife and if it doesn't resonate leave it. This post is a generalisation and may not resonate. I recommend you get a reading from an astrologer (me). If you want a reading from me check out my sales page.

[miwiheroes]

One thing I had always been sceptical about that bylers say is that Mike didn't bother to look for El during season 2. At first I thought that maybe people are exaggerating a little, and while, yes, he does end up spending the majority of his time with Will in the season and starts to help him, there is a clear desire from him to find her at the beginning and shown when he actually does see her again.

However, I've had this random thought that uhhhh I find really interesting.

In season 1, El was extremely connected to the UD, and Mike practically begged his friends to use her powers to find Will. He describes her as a weapon, becomes intrigued with her when she points at Will in a photo/ keeps her safe because she says that bad people are after her.

After she's gone, Mike has to suspect that she's in the UD, because he tries to contact her on the walkie which is what she did to contact Will in season 1. (Lol its all connected to will, anways)

Will then gains what his friends dub 'true sight', and he literally describes this to Mike as being able to see into the UD. My question is:

Why doesn't Mike use Will's true sight to find El like he uses El's powers to find Will?

He doesn't ask Will literally one question about whether he can see or sense El in there. The only time he mentions El in Will's presence is during the crazy together scene where he says that El would understand what Will was going through, which is more a manifestation of missing her than wanting her back. He's just reminiscing, instead of actively trying to find her like he did with Will in S1.

This is the same exact thing with D'art. When Mike finds D'art which is a thing from the place he thinks El is, he doesn't say to his friends "Maybe we can find El", instead he says "Maybe we can help Will."

The thing is, I NEVER used to like the idea of Will having powers in S5, because it could just repeat the trope that was played with Mileven in which Mike puts El on a pedestal because of her powers and nothing else, and he would just do the same to Will. BUT now I'm kind of warming up to the idea, because the fact that he never, not once even took advantage of the fact that Will can literally see into the place that Mike suspects El is, shows that he idolises Will's 'super spy' power because he just thinks its incredible, not because its useful.

You might be saying: "But if they had Mike use Will to find El, then that would just ruin his character"

They had no problem doing it with El in season 1 now, did they? They also could have easily done it with literally one question. They could have had him ask at any point, maybe during some of the earlier stages would have been more appropriate, just to show that Mike actually had some hope of finding El still. But no!

[nikethestatue]

Still thinking about this beautiful post and I feel like this is the crux of the matter in the shiupwar.

Elriel is organic.

No one who is an Elriel ever came into the fandom looking for Elriel. No one started reading about Feyre, Tamlin and Rhys, and upon meeting the sisters and then the IC, said 'oh, Elain and Azriel better get together!!!'

We don't highlight words to give them extra meaning.

We don't fudge the connection. That's why so many of us were never Moriels. Not even Moriels as a ship, but even believing that Moriel was ever a thing. Though it would seem, at first glance, that Moriel had 'something' there. The 500 years of yearning. The supposedly heated gazes. The quiet desire. And yet. Something wasn't right with them. Something seemed false. Forced.

Unlike Gwynriels, we never came into the fandom looking for 'proof' of Elriel, like they look for proof of Gwynriel. We didn't look at fan art and posts and said 'oh, I want to be an Elriel! these pictures are pretty'. No one was reading the trilogy expecting Elriel to pop up and take over.

Just like Nessian, ever since they met, there was something natural about Elriel. We paid attention when Azriel --there normally quiet Azriel--suddenly spoke in poetry, to make Elain comfortable. We paid attention when Feyre said that Elain would cling to Azriel. And then, we definitely perked up when Feyre questioned the Cauldron. And then, we were sold at 'I am getting her back'.

Eriel is a natural progression of a quiet romance. It's tender and almost shy, but it's unquestionable. We don't need to put two dolls together and whisper 'kith' to make them work, unlike Gwyn and Azriel, for example. No, our Elriel dolls are all over each other on their own.

What's more, we don't love Elriel out of hate. We don't beef with Rhysand, even though he was rude, he was very very rude, and interfered where he shouldn't have. But we understand that that's part of the story. We don't pit Elriel against Feysand, Elain against the IC, Azriel against his brothers. We love Elriel because Elriel is there, and we know that both Feyre and Nesta are Elriel stans, because it's in the books. Not because of some ill-conceived 'war' between Feysand/Mor/Amren and the House of Wind Gang (whatever that is).

Yeah, we are 'obsessed with canon'.

Because canon, and not TikTok gave us Elriel.

Canon, SJM's own writing, put Elriel in the forefront of her story, and we love it because it's real. It's not forced. It's canon, not headcanons.

[2kidult]

rewatching gossip girl and it's making me want a socialite dr. i'm daydreaming about being the kind of person who knows which wine pairs with existential conversations and can make small talk feel like philosophical discourse.

but then most socialite circles are performance art disguised as friendship. all surface-level charm and strategic networking. i want the aesthetic of it all, the flowing conversations, the spontaneous dinner parties, the feeling of being genuinely connected to interesting people without the hollowness that usually comes with it.

maybe what i actually want is to curate my own version. less "desperate housewives meets gossip girl" and more "virginia woolf's bloomsbury group but with more champagne." intimate gatherings with people who read books that matter, who can discuss art, who understand that vulnerability is the most sophisticated accessory.

craving social elevation while simultaneously judging the very culture i want to enter... i want to be desired and admired but only by people who see past the performance to whatever authentic thing exists underneath.

socialite energy without the social climbing. magnetic without the manipulation. is that even possible? probably not. but the fantasy persists.

[patchwork-crow-writes]

I've just realised that Ralsei's spell being called "Pacify" potentially houses a double meaning - one which strengthens his connection to Kris and the Dreemurrs.

Obviously, the spell's function is to "pacify" TIRED enemies, and in that sense it does exactly what it says on the tin. But to pacify is also to soothe, to appease, to subdue. And this is something that Ralsei is always attempting to do, particularly when it comes to Kris. He constantly reassures them, offers to give gifts or perform services for them, and most tellingly of all, sweeps troubling concerns under the rug in exchange for nice-sounding but ultimately meaningless platitudes. He does all of this in an attempt to keep them onside, to keep them behaving and to keep them doing what they need to do.

Think about how we use the term "pacify" in our lives. Generally we use it in relation to young children and infants - in the US, you literally have an object called a pacifier to soothe troubled babies and toddlers. Now think about how such objects are used - they can bring comfort to a distressed child, but arguably their main purpose is to give the parent(s) a means to make that child behave, to render them docile and passive, to get them to comply, to grant the caregivers in that child's life a reprieve from their big and troubling emotions.

Once you understand this, Toriel giving the horned headband to Kris takes on a new and troubling context. On its surface, it seems like a cute, harmless gesture that affirms their desired identity as a boss monster, as a true member of the Dreemurr family. But think about it some more, and you realise that all she was meaningfully doing was deferring their distress, granting them a quick fix to soothe them but allowing the underlying issue to fester underneath.

It's hard not to infer that Toriel giving Kris the headband was more for her benefit than it was for theirs - she wanted them to feel safe and secure, but she either couldn't face up to the difficult discussions regarding their nascent species dysmorphia, or she didn't think it really mattered enough to do so. So instead, she PACIFIED Kris with a superficial object in place of the genuine understanding and patience they needed.

So. Is it any wonder that Ralsei turned out the same way? Is it any wonder that he takes the path of least resistance when faced with troubling issues that can't be solved nice and neatly in the present moment? After all, he is just continuing to do what he believes is his purpose - to Soothe Kris's troubles, to Affirm their identity and importance, to Subdue their distress no matter how painful or pressing it might be. THAT was the purpose which Toriel instilled in him when she gave the headband to Kris - to PACIFY is literally in his nature.

With all of this in mind, Chapter 3 is shaping up to be very, very interesting.

(these ideas were gleaned from this excellent post by @dyke-dreemurr which I highly encourage y'all to read if you haven't - essentially going over Toriel's well-meaning but inadequate parenting towards Kris. I also riffed on that post with thoughts of my own which I refined and made into this post here! Thanks for the inspo!)

[hahahafangirl]

[WBK Character Analysis] Suo Hayato and the Crisis of Contact [Part 1]

EDITs

5/29: Added commentaries to Suo v. Oobiki and minor edits.

This is yet another contribution to the well-made observations that: Suo does not eat with others in a story that emphasizes eating together; his fighting style is predominantly evasive amidst a narrative of fighting as a conversation; and all the deflections he deploys in response to any attempts to know him deeper. All in all, an avoidance of contact and any violation of boundaries — the literal boundary of bodily contact and symbolic boundary of knowing.

Overall, most of the observations here are… not that new. However, there are a few things I have personally seen less discussed in details: humor as deflection (both in the story and its effect on the fandom), Suo’s arrogance and disinterests in his opponents, and his subtle detachment from his peers… even if he loves and cares for them.

The language of this analysis is heavily based on Anne Carson’s essay Dirt and Desire: An Essay on the Phenomenology of Female Pollution in Antiquity. Unfortunately, I am too much of an insane Anne Carson stan to discuss this in any normal way (deeply sorry for that). Regardless, I will try to be as clear as possible, despite my general insistence in uh. using the words that I do (bear with me). Because I am absolutely insane, have a table of content:

Contact as a crisis; dirt; leakage

Suo's general (habitual) deflections

Teenage arrogance and disinterest in Others

Suo's relationships to other people; or, the disparateness between Love and Relationship

Suo versus Sakura

Note that much of these are interpretations/extrapolations outside of things that are explicit in canon.

I will try to keep each post about 2-3k or less; this total analysis will be split over multiple part. Part 1 (this one) will focus on point 1) and justifies its connection to Suo (and WBK) and point 2), which are primarily textual evidences.

Crisis of Contact: so what the hell am I talking about?

This portion will be on Anne Carson's Dirt and Desire essay, as to provide the context in which I framed this character analysis. I will try to be as brief as I can while being understandable. The original essay itself, as the title revealed, is mostly about the construction of female gender (roles) in Greek antiquity, but its discussion of Touch, Dirt, and Leakage proved to be very useful frameworks!

First, on Touch:

As members of human society, perhaps the most difficult task we face daily is that of touching one another---whether the touch is physical, moral, emotional, or imaginary. Contact is crisis. As the anthropologists say, "Every touch is a modified blow."

This is what I mean by the "crisis of contact." Every contact itself is a mini-crisis: when we exchange blows, our skin touch, thus violating a closed and fixed physical boundary; when we converse, our words and minds touch, thus breaking open our worldviews and preconception; when we connect with other, they (and we) shattered the walls we constructed in our mind and permanently nestled themselves into our minds and hearts. These are all the things that Sakura, our beloved MC, is challenged by the narratives to learn how to do-- and succeed. His blushing embarrassment, in this framework, is a response to these "crises" of violations.

[Sakura blushes nearly every time he learns how to communicate and recognize his feelings... lol]

[the mortifying ordeal of being known]

on Dirt:

"Dirt" may be defined as "matter out of place." The poached egg on your plate at breakfast is not dirt; the poached egg on the floor of the Reading Room of the British Museum is... Mary Douglas calls pollution "a particular class of dangers which are not powers vested in humans but which can be released by human actions."

A little more background: the Greek antiquity conceptualize men as "hot, dry, vessel" and women as "cold, wet, liquid (to be contained in a vessel". So, dirt as "matter out of place" equates to "liquid not being properly contained". As Mary Douglas puts it, being "dirt" is not anything inherent to human or even women in particular; we all just have the ability to displace matters and make them "dirt" -- including ourselves. Sakura was treated, as we can put it, "less than dirt" for being "out of place." Same with Kaji's unrestrainable anger -- until Hiiragi figured out a way to help him "contain" it. Umemiya, as a child, felt that his own grief was displaced, his own life and his family's lives misplaced between who die and who gets to live -- his entire existence as "dirty". We can formulate any ostracism and troubles in Wind Breaker into displacement and dirt -- it's a fun exercise! But it will be more helpful if we put this construction of "dirt" into use.

How does any of this relates to Suo? We already noticed that he avoids, and, if he cannot, minimizes all contacts-- avoiding all the crises that everyone else, especially Sakura, go through. Most of these have lead to immense character growth. Maybe it's just not Suo's time to go into it yet. But for a deuteragonist, on a similar level of screen-time and importance as Nirei, Suo's arc thus far remains glaringly stagnant. One thing that he perhaps "grew" in is holding in his ruthlessness better after Sakura refocused Suo's vengeance in a more productive way (fight off other opponents and not beat one guy to death) during the KEEL fight. But we haven't seen a situation that actually "proves" that growth in a fight yet. So far, no contact, no crises yet, to grow, while Umemiya has explicitly said: "You need a little bit of conflicts to grow." Thus far Suo's "vessel" remains completely intact and its contents unseen (unlike Sakura's and Nirei's anxieties and trauma).

Where does dirt comes in? On a more literal sense, we have seen that Suo... never get dirtied after a fight. There is one (1) chapter where his face is scuffed (ch145)...

... significantly less than others, and it magically disappear in the next chapter. I think it's innocuous enough to be a mistake in Nii-sensei's part (either to remove or to add it), but, there is another interpretation: Let's remind ourselves that stories are about narratives, and that character, their design, their physical and mental states, are tools of the narratives*. Suo's (minimally) scuffed state is more symbolic of the Bofurin kids engaging in Sakura's struggle to pull him out of it -- a collective contact, willingly be "dirtied" to touch and pull Sakura out of drowning -- rather than Suo finally getting injured in a fight, after all. In addition to this, it will be visually jarring if Suo remains untouched here (note that this is not to dismiss what I said right before that).

*(Nii-sensei has such a command of details and themes in WBK that I must allow everything to be Symbolic-- there will be more on this in other topic)

Although this is a counterexample, it is to emphasize that, well, we noticed that Suo has never been dirtied or "touched" in any way in a fight. In a work where people routinely gets injured, bleed, violently got their face smashed in (I'm still in pain thinking about the Kaji v. Banjo fight), Suo never has his boundaries breached the way others has. No contact, no dirt. A closed room. He never let anything "out of place" be on him and is never actively being "out of place" himself -- even in the Red Light district, he does not seems frazzled (out of place) the way Nirei or Sakura were. No crack in the vessel, no leakage; nothing is leaving him either. No substantial personal fact is known-- for a deuteragonist, that's quite unusual.

The only "secret" we know? Natto. It is honestly lighthearted enough to be a joke (that is not to dismiss its importance or factuality!). It becomes a gag in the fandom! Purely because of how little else we know about Suo!

AND SUO DOESN'T EVEN NEED TO SUCCESSFULLY DEFLECT IT HIMSELF. THE NARRATIVE DID IT FOR HIM!!!!!

LIKE. LMFAO. OMFG. WE HAVE ALL BEEN PLAYED!!!!!!!!

THE NARRATIVE WANTS SUO TO BE AS INSCRUTABLE AS POSSIBLE.

GO HOME. THERE IS NOTHING FOR US.

JK! WE ARE STILL DIGGING OURSELVES INTO IT FOR ANY GRAIN OF INFORMATION THAT WE CAN!

We have some textual evidences already. Let's go for more.

More on Suo's habitual deflections

Let's begin by making a list of his deflections:

Fighting style: predominantly defensive; "pushing away" instead of "smashing in"

Personal information: humor to deflect from (what could be) his insecurities; reveal-not-reveal origin of his fighting styles, or details about his master; the "diet"

Emotionality: "I'm not usually this emotional"; disquiets hiding underneath maturity

Clothing: no skin?.megamind

Narrative/Production deflections: why is Suo the only person whose room is not revealed? lmfao?

Ok. I think that's everything.

Fighting styles:

Suo is a predominantly defensive fighter. In a fight with non-fighters involved, he naturally steps into a protective role by default. The only time this changed was when Nirei volunteered to take that role and encouraged Sakura and Suo to go on the offense. Defense or offense, Suo deflects moves and takes down opponents by their offensive momentum — if they pass out hitting their head on concrete, great! He does not contribute his own force into the fight; no horse in the race, no input to the conversations.

Compare to, say, Sakura and most others, who charges ahead, moving into their opponents' space to attack; Tsugeura, whose virtue involves allowing opponent one (1) hit and then... German suplex them; or Kiryu, whose fighting style is most similar to Suo — except he often disables his opponents with what looks like accupressure. Perhaps the most relevant difference is that Kiryu does charge ahead to fight, and some of his moves involve pulling the opponents in. Suo does none of that— he waits until they violate his space and pushes them out.

Pulling in...

Pushing out. Note that Suo does not reach for his opponents— he waits until they are in his space.

The only time we have seen Suo "attack", per se, is 1) KEEL and 2) against Oobiki, where he needed to wrap things up quickly and this isn't an opponent who would go down with deflection. That's the literal, in-text explanation at least. Symbolically? I'm not sure! Maybe Suo did in fact get close enough to Nirei and his classmates to expresses something about himself— not deflect, but rather, physically engages in the fight. That will take me more time to think about.

EDIT: Hey, this is also the fight where Suo finally reveals something about himself— specifically, his philosophy and focus on teaching, “discipline” as passing down knowledge (and, side notes, not as “punishment” — this is something I’m exploring in a fic actually xP). We even got the first visual of his Master! So, yep, he contributed something in this conversation here. This is the very first step in advancing towards Suo’s backstory; Nii-sensei is telling us to be patient! We got a similar visual (the back of the head) of Akari ~200 chapters before Kiryu’s arc, after all.

And this is also the same fight where Suo's untouchability and INSCRUTABILITY ("I can't read you at all") is explicitly addressed— by a fighter that is approximately Noroshi's caliber; or at least, much stronger than KEEL or Kanuma.

In KEEL, his aggression was taken as unusual/"the wrong decision". Against Kanuma, he didn't even mean to hit for real— only to scare/shock the opponents. Suo is an incredible fighter, acknowledged by Nirei's intels, Hiiragi and Umemiya themselves, and Sakura wanting to fight him. And, from his untouchability, literally (as in, not symbolically) we have yet to actually see Suo's full, current capability at all! And that is A LOT to hold out on when every character, one after another, get pushed to their limit. Suo's avoidance of initiating fights is narratively convenient to this end and also... says something about his refusal to initiate a "conversation".

2. Personal information and humor

We have seen this before with natto! His easy-going demeanor, ability to diffusive and deflect ("This conversation is about Sakura!") enables him to stagnate the conversation until the narrative ended it for him. As for reveal-not-reveal: I want to note that we do know things about Suo; quite a few things, in fact. Suo does not never say anything about himself, but give enough information to satisfy/shut down the conversation without providing anything revealing about himself. "Oh, I can't personally tell you what my fighting style is-- my Master is self-taught." (You have a Master? What are they like? How long have you been practicing? What?) "Oh, I'm on a diet." (What kind of diet? What can you actually eat and not eat? Why aren't you eating anything at all?)

Suo has been demonstrated to be an incredibly socially-capable person; his self-selected main role as vice-captain is negotiation and people-dealing. He has shown an incredible level of emotional intelligence, sensibility, and sensitivity to other's thoughts and feelings: being able to tell that Sakura is not used to other helping him, therefore knowing that it will be difficult for them all if Nirei and him continue to push; repeatedly being able to use Umemiya "against" Sugishita to get the latter to do things. Suo knows how to start and end a conversation, what to say, how to steer the interaction one way or another, how to stall— his social skills and suaveness are vitals in all these social deflections.

Notably, humor plays into this a lot (yet another example of social-capability). His eyepatch is the biggest mystery by far— and he was able to shut down any speculations or focus on it by bringing it up before anyone else can, therefore being in control of the topic.

Note that he brought it up out-of-nowhere, already anticipating the curiosity: "By the way..." and quickly changes the topic to Sakura

The constant, mysterious "diet" is also introduced under humorous connotations (Suo agreeing with Nirei's about the unusualness of the context of the meal, then immediately subverts expectation by reveal that should he be able to eat, he would-- he is just on a diet).

He blatantly lies — for innocuous things such that they are humorous — and gets out of explaining anything; like why he does not want to go into water

(My theory on this is quite innocuous: depends on how recent Suo's eye injury is, healing can be quite slow and touching sea water is... bad for that. It'd just ruin the mood if we bring it up.)

With the eyepatch and the water, is there a chance that Nirei is too polite to push it? Absolutely. And that is another "manipulation" of social situation Suo is capable of: he gives non-answer that is tonally appropriates such that it is impolite/insensitive should anyone tries to push. Boom, nobody knows anything. Closed room, no leakage.

3. Emotional disquiets

Suo's "veneer" of calmness and maturity is so constant and iconic that the smallest ripple sends the narratives (and us) to ruin! And this contrast is emphasized by the narratives— I'm only showing here the more subtle signs in each "incident", and we already feel the disruption!

(Note the look of disdain in this one— we will come back to this later)

Suo is not as "mature" or unperturbed as he paints himself to be; he is, after all, a human, and a 15 year old child at that. In a story that emphasizes realistic emotional responses, it is extremely unrealistic to paint a 15yo boy as having it all together (orewing wrote an excellent post on this subject). Maturity, in this case, is a mask and therefore another deflection— hiding away his emotions and disdain until it came bursting out of him, ignoring his emotions to prevent others from seeing and "interacting" with it — vision becomes another mode of boundary violations (yes, this is in the Anne Carson essay). Now, the interesting question here is: Why is this the case? Unfortunately, that is outside the scope of this research <3

4. Conservative clothing: no_skin?.megamind

It's not about being revealing, it's about his wardrobe being so distinctly old-school and especially jarringly conservative in the beach trip that brought to attention how uh. tall the wall is. Funnily enough, recently there was a fake-merch post going around on Twitter that people immediately spotted as fake because Suo reveals his upper torso in that one (lol) and the official one, coming out the next day, has him covered from head to toe. Symbolically speaking, this is yet another visual hint that Suo is extremely mysterious and elusive. Fashion and personal styles are extremely important to WBK's characterization and narratives. Everything design-wise is very intentional— including Suo's secrecy.

It's highkey just funny as a gag at this point. There were theories about secret back tattoos (I think primarily motivated by Nii-sensei once posting a character design hiding elaborate back tattoos under normal school uniform that does looks suspiciously like Suo's initial design, now that I think about it.) I don't know if I believe that; scars theories are more likely, but I don't think tonally WBK is trying to tell a more violent stories than what normal people within 1-1.5 standard deviation of the Bell curve will experience. In other words, I don't think the narrative looks to tell what is implied if Suo's back is elaborately tattooed or viciously scarred. I am not saying that HCs about these are invalid, just that— who knows what is in store! It is possible that Suo, with all of his evasiveness and general strangeness from the narrative, is in fact the one representing the "exorbitant" violence in the world.

5. Narrative deflections: Nii-sensei is holding out on us.

Here is the final straw: It is no coincidence or innocuous chances that all of these deflections and overall sense of detachment is overthinking. Nii-sensei seems to be extremely involved, by usual manga standard, into (at least evidently) merch and game adaptation of Wind Breaker. Wanijima, I'm pretty sure, was introduced as a WBK game character prior to his "adoption" into the manga. All the merch strictly sticks to Suo's visual conservativeness. And, very intentionally, Suo is the only main class 1-1 member whose bedroom is not shown in the artbook. What is Nii-sensei hiding? A lot, it looks like.

What does that means besides confirming that we aren't all extremely delusional? Nii-sensei seems to be deflecting us, too. Well, it's actually way too late at night and I have spent too long writing this to overthink this point. I can only be certain that there will be a lot in store for Suo's character developments, arc, and that I trust Nii-sensei's pen. Amen.

That's it for now! Part 2 will hopefully cover the last three points (maybe only one or two each) depends on how much I have to say. Evidently, I have waaaaay more to say than I thought. Thanks for holding out if you reach this point, and let me say that we did most of the heavy lifting/justifications here :thumbs-up: The discussion of dirt, leakage, and crisis was hopefully constructive/interesting!

I would love any feedbacks/thoughts AND FEELINGS on this, including if my writing is absolutely unreadable (and yeah feel free to use anon questions should you desire to). Would be beyond happy to clarify anything I wrote, and discuss more!

See yall in Part 2, which may come out earlier than I or you want or expected.

[mindhealing]

The Sun Exists!

Life will always be what it will be no matter how hard you try to make it what you want it to be, mostly out of a selfish need and desire for control over your life and life experiences. It's absolutely a good thing to desire the best out of life and life experiences, it's amazing to want to be better and do better, and it is courageous to want a life of bliss and ecstasy, abundance and success and be ready to do anything and everything that it takes to get the job done. What is absolutely not right is wanting things to go your own way and be as you want, without recourse to what your life's mission and destiny is or is meant to be and coming into oneness with the divine process and timing of your life and life experiences. Life will push you in the right direction and if you are headed in the wrong one, then life's challenges and issues, problems and troubles only show that you are on the wrong trajectory and have to change course. When you don't understand that life with all it's challenges and problems, issues, struggles and troubles, are actually a blessing in disguise, because it helps you understand where you are on the course of your life's journey and where you are headed. They help you see, know and understand whether you are making the right choices and decisions or not, and yet life still gives you the opportunity to reverse and now head in the right direction. As long as you stay on the course and trajectory of your life and life experiences, life will always lend you a helping hand in the course work of existence and reality. You are never given more than you can handle and all situations, happenings, events, circumstances and conditions, are all about life bringing you face to face with yourself. How can you become the Master of your fate, destiny and life if you haven't discovered your true and authentic self, this can only come via the way of suffering, hardships and despair which is the driving force that pushes you to seek to know yourself and the truth of life, like Socrates said "Man know thyself" and Rumi said "Man is a God clothed in rags begging for alms and bowing before his servants because he is oblivious of his true identity".

When you have the courage to choose yourself over and over again, life opens up the truth to you when you disconnect from your mind and it's attendant negativity, negative mindset, thoughts and emotions that created the narratives, stories and drama of your life and life experiences, and that you have believed to be true and all you. You go into losing hope mode because you want a different life, life experiences and circumstances, not seeing nor understanding that the answer and solution is within arms reach - within you and not in the world about you. When you accept responsibility for what life was and the new state it's going to be, you then surrender to the divinity within you, everything changes and that's when you see and know that the sun exists, and has always existed even in the darkness and despair that you have suffered or are suffering. When you disconnect from the mind and reconnect with the divinity within you, your Higher Self which is your authentic self waiting to connect with you and show you the truth about yourself, you find out the secret of the ages - you are a Magnificent Being of pure Light and Love, more powerful than you can ever know or imagine. It's time to move forward and not backwards or no longer backwards again, time to choose growth, success, progress and development over comfort, misery and anxiety, time to choose possibility over impossibility, the present here and now over the past and past events. You are worthy of everything and anything that you want and desire in your life and life experiences, even though the mind makes you think and believe otherwise, and this is the time and the opportunity to change the narratives, stories and drama of your life and life experiences going forward.

If you are seeking a great life and life experiences with the sun shining so bright, then seek it with joy and happiness in your heart, with gratitude and acceptance for the many blessings of life both good and bad. Remember - abundance flourishes in a grateful heart, so be grateful, joyful and loving for the many blessings not yet seen but hoped for, and see the magic and wonder of life brought forth to life and the manifestation of all that you want and desire. Be hopeful for today, tomorrow and all the days of your life and dwell not not head in the direction of darkness because the sun truly exists and will shine forth, when you are in the right state of consciousness and mind, the right mindset of positivity, positive mindset, thoughts and emotions. There is a force in the universe which, if you permit and allow it to lead you and guide you all the days of your life and life experiences, will flow through you and produce miraculous changes in your life via transforming your circumstances, happenings, situations, events, and conditions of life from negativity to positivity. To reach your full potential and excel in life, you must clear and free the mind of all the clutter that hinders and hampers the flow of the power within you, and be present in the flow of life current. Let the mind flow like water gently and easily, moving round obstacles and blockages with determination and persistence. Face life with a calm and quiet mind which is only connected to the divinity within you and everything will flow.

Be honest with yourself about what you really want in your life and life experiences, and what you want to accomplish. Sometimes, your goals, dreams and desires are  based on what other people think and say you should do or become and not on what you want to do and be, it's time to change that. Hope is not just an emotion, it is a way of life and living life, a way of thinking or cognitive process that allows you to stay grounded in whatever conditions and situations that are prevailing in your life, knowing, believing and trusting that everything will be alright in the end. There is only one thing that makes a dream, desire, goal or objective impossible to achieve, that is the fear of failure and mockery. Instead of fighting the darkness and being scared of it and all that it brings, be the one to light a candle and welcome it into your space, allowing it to teach you what it has come to teach you and bless you, knowing and understanding that it cannot be otherwise. It leaves when its work is done and the lesson is learnt, but also blessing you with a new and different viewpoint of life, state and space of consciousness and mind. Do not stare at the steps to success, longingly and desirously, but rather take the plunge and step up the stairs, a step at a time and take everything in your stride. Step out and stride forward with a firm, confident and steady step knowing with a deep and calm certainty, that you will reach every goal you have set for yourself no matter how long it takes, and no matter what life may bring your way or throw at you. The sun always shines and Tough times don't last but Tough people do.

More to come.

[hwnglx]

what bts need in a partner

based on tarot. i don't know these idols personally. energies are always changing. everything i state is for entertainment purposes only, alleged and NOT straight fact. pls take it with a grain of salt!

seokjin

seokjin needs a person who's firm in their boundaries, and who helps him remain firm and unyielding in his own as well. someone not afraid to be direct with him, especially when he falls into habits or mindsets that don't serve him.

though he might be drawn to softer energies, what he actually could need, is a partner who can steadily stand their ground. an individual who isn't afraid to speak up and call things out, even if it shakes things up a little. someone who's bold and sure of themselves -> able to match his strong energy.

he also needs someone who can handle and tolerate his need for privacy at times; a person who respects his desire for autonomy and independence. his ideal partner would be confident enough to be comfortable on their own too.

he needs a person who's devoted to facilitating a foundation of trust for one another. that deep sense of trust would allow the two of them to be their own people, without feeling the need to control, or have their nose in each other's business all the time. a relationship where both people have the room to breathe, is what makes him feel comfortable.

he also needs someone who can be his best friend. a partner he can laugh with, celebrate life with, and just plainly enjoy being around. the connection has to feel light and natural at times, not overly serious or emotionally heavy all the time.

shared joy matters to him. he thrives when there's a sense of ease, playfulness, and effortless understanding. where inside jokes, deep talks, and comfortable silences can all coexist. the kind of bond that feels like home, but also like freedom.

yoongi

yoongi needs someone who knows how to connect emotionally, without pressure. someone who can show him that intimacy isn't about losing yourself or being consumed by another person, but about being seen, and still feeling safe.

the relationship has to feel like calm, not chaos. he needs a bond that's strong, but breathable. a comfortable one, where there's room for space and solitude.

co-dependency is a hard no. the kind of connection that he needs, is one where emotional closeness unfolds naturally and is built slowly, without forcing it, or trying too hard.

at the same time, he needs a partner who's not afraid to push back. someone outspoken, with their own sense of self. firm in their opinions, grounded, and powerful. a person who doesn't flinch when he tests the limits, is confident enough to call him out, and doesn't soften just to keep the peace.

what actually brings yoongi growth, is an existence that keeps his ego in check, perhaps even humbles him at times, without needing to dominate. someone who leads and behaves with grace and strength. resilient, emotionally composed, and unbothered by surface-level drama.

over time, his ideal partner would help him let go of some of the defenses he's built up, and release things like his protectiveness, skepticism, and the idea that relationships are more trouble than they're worth.

with the right partner, he would start to see that love doesn't have to be a burden or a distraction. instead, it can be a supportive part of his life that helps him feel safe, and more like himself. this kind of connection doesn't weaken him; it empowers him, and helps him feel stronger.

hobi

hobi needs an optimistic and joyful person. someone who's full of life, and carries a light energy that makes people feel at ease. a partner who's naturally warm, kind, and uplifting. someone who doesn't just brighten a room, but makes it feel like home. their presence should bring comfort, like a safe space he can return to over and over.

he is one of the members, who would benefit from being with someone similar to him. someone who shares his positive outlook and capacity for hope, but balances it with a quiet emotional maturity.

if he were with someone too heavy, too serious all the time, or overly rigid, it would throw off the balance between them. they'd be unlikely to see eye to eye.

emotional intelligence is key. hobi needs someone gentle and sincere, with a deep sense of compassion. a person who feels things deeply, unafraid of fully embracing their emotions.

he'd thrive in a connection where feelings are expressed freely and openly. where love is shown through heartfelt care, and consistent emotional availability.

there should also be a sense of wonder to them. hobi's ideal partner would be an individual who still looks at the world with curiosity, regardless of their age. someone who's playful, excitable, creative, and open to new experiences. a person who finds joy in the simple things, and is able to appreciate the mundane, but beautiful moments many people overlook.

most of all, he needs someone who's capable of cultivating a real and raw emotional bond. a connection rooted in genuine love that's mutual and gentle, but secure.

namjoon

namjoon needs a person who's ready to challenge him. there's a strong emphasis on discussions, of all kinds.

he thrives in a connection with someone who's opinionated, sharp, and firm in what they believe. someone who's not afraid to disagree with him, and knows how to hold their own, without necessarily turning it into a fight. debates wouldn't threaten the relationship, they'd strengthen it. he needs that kind of stimulation.

his ideal partner is confident, self-assured, and self-aware. they know who they are, what they stand for, and what they want from life. the last thing he needs is someone who's overly whiny, needy, messy, or stuck in a pattern of insecurity and immaturity. it wouldn't just drain him; it'd feel like a distraction from the life he's working hard to build.

he's not looking to babysit, or carry someone else's chaos. what matters most is that their paths align in a way that allows them to grow individually, while still pouring into each other's lives in meaningful ways. his partner's existence should enrich and add to his world, not weigh it down.

he also needs someone who's intellectually smart. a partner who can be a match in terms of his intelligence. his ideal partner would be someone who's articulate, direct, clear and straightforward in how they communicate. mental compatibility is key for him.

he also values loyalty and strength. he needs a person who stands up for what they care about. someone very protective. not necessarily in a possessive way, but in the way they show up for their loved ones. a steady and fiercely committed individual, with thick skin. someone who won’t back down when it matters, who knows how to defend themselves and the people they love. that kind of fierce loyalty is what earns his respect, and keeps him feeling safe within the relationship.

jimin

he needs someone curious and inquisitive, without being invasive. someone who asks the meaningful questions. not to pry, but to understand.

for jimin, conversation is a bridge to connection. his ideal partner listens closely, speaks thoughtfully, and respects the layers it takes to get to the depth of his heart. someone who's willing to stick by his side, despite potential early hesitations, especially around trust. they need to make him feel like his thoughts matter. allow him to speak freely, without feeling the need to hold back.

he'd need someone mentally suave, quick-witted, and able to offer him the kind of mental stimulation he craves. someone who's not afraid to challenge him. ready to disagree, ready to engage and debate. a connection filled with rich discussions and the occasional argument, where each clash becomes a path to deeper growth and understanding of each other.

his partner needs to be ready to face the weight of old baggage that might possibly follow him into the relationship. someone emotionally aware and in tune, but also direct in how they show affection.

they can't be reserved or passive when it comes to love. jimin needs to feel it. he needs someone who can draw out that deeply romantic side of him, the one that risks getting buried beneath all the overthinking. someone whose way of loving can pull him out of his head, and into the moment. lots of reassurance, lots of compliments. he needs to feel good in their presence. jimin feeling confident, wanted, and adored, will bring out the best side in him.

taehyung

taehyung needs a person who can keep a cool head, especially in moments of tension. his ideal partner would be someone level-headed and smart, who's capable of holding interesting conversations. but also, emotionally composed. an individual who doesn't get overwhelmed and clouded by emotion, but instead responds with calm, clarity, and maturity.

taehyung himself is someone who can burn hot in the moment. his emotions can rise quickly and feel intense, sometimes spilling out, before he has time to process them. therefore, he needs someone who won't meet his occasional fire with more fire, but instead knows how to remain collected.

taehyung can also naturally put a lot of pressure on himself in relationships. he can have the tendency to get in his head, overthink, and read into things more than he lets on.

for that reason, there's something essential about his ideal partner's way of communicating; it has to be clear, honest, and genuine. building that trust is key for him; he needs to know his partner means what they say, and says what they mean. no confusing mind games, no mixed signals. emotional consistency and transparency help him feel secure.

above all, taehyung needs someone who's willing to meet him halfway. a partner who values an equal give and take, and sees love as a shared and mutual effort, where both people bring their part to the table with reliability and respect. when that balance is there, it allows him to truly relax, let his guard down, and feel comfortable.

jungkook

jungkook needs a partner who's self-sufficient, and content within themselves, and their own world. an individual who's confident, self-sustaining and not reliant on his attention or affection to feel whole. he needs a person who won't become overly dependent, clingy, or emotionally demanding. they need to know how to stand firmly on their own.

this is important for jungkook, because he's not very predictable. his lifestyle, his occupation, his mood.. it all leans towards unpredictability. perhaps even restlessness.

he does read as someone who's more used to rowing according to his own boat. if the relationship was relying on his efforts solely, the stability could eventually take a great toll. so, while jungkook may crave connections, adjusting to another person’s rhythm doesn’t really come naturally to him.

there's a kind of patience, and emotional maturity jk's partner would be in need of, in order to help him grow, and evolve into someone more stable. they'd need to be a fair-minded person, who can hear him out without judgement, and make the effort to respect his unique circumstances and perspective, even if they don't always understand.

someone who's okay with him being focused on his career, and ready to grant him the space he needs for himself at times, but who still inspires him to play his part in the relationship. someone who feels like home; an unchanging and warm existence in his life, that provides him with comfort.

his ideal partner isn't forceful. they gently show him that a healthy relationship, based on a ground of mutual consistent efforts, can be worth it. like they're creating something fulfilling together, instead of sacrificing their autonomy.

jungkook also carries a softer, quieter need; one that stems from the parts of him, that never really had the chance to fully blossom. there's an inner child in him that still longs to be seen. to play, to be silly, to feel safe being vulnerable, without needing to be perfect.

his ideal partner would know how to nurture that side of him too. someone playful and warm, who laughs easily with him, who pokes and teases him, who makes space for joy. a partner who reminds him that love and affection is something he's worthy of; it doesn't have to be earned through effort.

[theenchantedchapter]

In Light of Their Gaze

Links: Reading Masterlist | Ko-Fi | Personal Readings - open

About This Reading:

The idea for this reading is about how 'your person’s' presence in your life will impact your confidence. It was inspired by how my person has impacted my confidence and general concept since meeting and being in a relationship with them. I do want to emphasise though, that this reading isn't about a lack of confidence or your person 'rescuing' you in any way. Instead, it's about how a positive connection can open us up to positive aspects of ourselves that we may not have been aware of and inspire us to use them better.

I read tarot and oracle cards using their literal meanings, card imagery and intuition. These readings are primarily meant for entertainment purposes. The contents of this reading are not meant to act as or replace professional advice of any kind. Please only take what resonates and use it to reflect if you feel called to.

How To Choose A Group:

Take a deep breath or ground yourself in whatever way works best. Whatever option you feel most drawn to is your group. If you feel drawn to multiple groups, that’s okay too.

Read the section that belongs to your chosen group/s and remember to take only what resonates.

🌟 Under Starlight

The core quality they reflect back to you.

Cards: the aspirant, the hanged man reversed, king of wands, ace of cups

The biggest thing your person reflects back to you that influences your confidence is your brilliance. You’re someone with significant and maybe even impactful dreams. But these dreams and your desire to make them into reality aren’t just wishful thoughts you carry within you. When you share them with others, they can feel that if you channel your energy or ‘harness your power’ correctly you will have massive success. I get the sense that consciously you might roll your eyes at this knowledge though because it sounds like generic motivational B.S. but I have this feeling that it’s genuinely deeper than that. It might not mean international sensation but the success you can find is 10x greater than what you might imagine for yourself.

I feel like this is the biggest thing that your person will open up your eyes to— how brilliant your ideas are and how likely they are to succeed. They could point out to you especially how or where you’re afraid of going against what’s traditional and expected. You're so focused on everything and everyone else that you can’t see how it’s blocking you. Your person, however, is privy to this. They can see not only your weaknesses (a concern with what should and shouldn’t be) but they see your strengths. They see how you not only have these fantastic ideas but also how you have the charisma and know-how to get other people excited about the things you want to do. If your vision takes a team, you could pull one together overnight.

Because your person can see all of this in you and reflect it back in a way that really lands, it helps you understand your own potential more deeply. You start to realise that while you're capable of amazing things, you haven't been giving yourself the care and support you need to actually pursue them. It becomes clear that it’s not about your ability, it’s about needing to approach it all with a different kind of energy and intention.

Reading with Same Theme: Where You Bloom Bold | Full Reading on Patreon ✨

🕯️ By Candlelight

The core quality they reflect back to you.

Cards: the enchanter, wheel of fortune, strength, the moon

You have this otherworldly beauty to you, and I don’t mean beauty in the sense of physical (although that’s always a possibility!) There’s just something about the way you carry yourself and interact with others that your person will open your eyes to. You dance on the line of being effortlessly charming & enchanting and actively working to create this illusion. You exude this sense of strength, softness and overall divine ‘feminine’ energy. You captivate people by being yourself and whenever you are fully in tune with that energy it’s like things are always working out in your favour.

Whether or not you’re aware of it, I think your person encourages you or helps you be more comfortable in using this skill. It feels like it’s less of them pointing this out to you in conversation, and more of how they react to you. I get this sense that they want you to use it, they want you to use your charms on them. It’s very much like “whatever my baby wants my baby gets”. For you, I get that idea of 'lucky girl/person energy' and 'ask for more'. Even if you’re already in a place where you do so and can tap into that energy— your person is going to help you realise that that tap doesn’t have to shut off. As long as you’re not harming others, the world can and deserves to be your oyster.

Reading with Same Theme: Where You Bloom Bold | Full Reading on Patreon ✨

☀️ In Afterglow

The core quality they reflect back to you.

Cards: the merchant reversed, the sentinel, seven of cups, nine of cups, temperance, the sun

You, my darlings, bring so much to the table and you don’t even recognise it. Way too often, you undersell yourself or let other people tell you that who you are and your capabilities are worthless. That is far from true. You have so many skills and such a warm personality or vibe.

I feel like your person wants to protect you from anyone who takes you for granted or wishes to do you harm, but just as importantly, they want you to toughen up and stop letting people treat you like shit.

Something else that comes to mind is ‘ugly duckling syndrome’ and the story of the ugly duckling in general. The card Temperance features a swan on it, and to me, that represents you. I’ve heard someone say the ugly duckling isn’t about people thinking you’re ugly and then you grow up and get hot (very loosely paraphrasing) — it’s about the fact that the swan wasn’t in the right environment in the first place, so they didn’t realise their beauty or value. That’s part of what I’m getting for you.

Your person is very passionate about you, and they want you to wake up and realise that you are more than valuable, you’re just paying attention to the wrong people.

I feel like your person plays a role in helping you see this about yourself, partly through your guides. It’s like your guides have been trying to get you to see this, but maybe you haven’t fully understood what they’ve been trying to say. However, your person comes in and helps you get in touch with your radiance, making you feel seen in a way you might not have been before, and everything finally clicks into place for you.

It’s not about them being your rescuer or knight in shining armour; it’s about them helping trigger the decision to cleanse the lens you view life through so you can see yourself and all you have to offer clearly.

Reading with Same Theme: Where You Bloom Bold | Full Reading on Patreon ✨

[saphronethaleph]

Mark My Hamill

Slowly, almost reverently, Rey climbed the stairs on Atch-To. One at a time, looking around curiously to see what the home of the original Jedi was like.

It was… hallowed ground. Ground that sent a thrill through her with every step, because this was where the Jedi Order had begun.

Where the Force had first been harnessed, or… maybe even that wasn’t the right way to word it.

Where mortals… where beings had first learned to listen to the Force.

And she was here to make contact with Luke Skywalker.

Then she came over the lip of the island’s peak, and… stopped.

“Um,” she began.

Because she hadn’t really known exactly what to expect, but what she was faced with was not it. She’d… sort of anticipated a human.

Instead, the… person?… she’d found was a kind of reptilian creature, maybe ten metres long and festooned with spikes, with a yellow belly and purple body half-covered by furled purple-black wings. And it – he? - had three reddish horns, rising up from a very unhuman head.

“Well?” asked the being, and the voice sounded about right, at least. There were stranger harmonics to it, but it certainly sounded like the few recordings Chewbacca had had lying around of Master Luke’s voice.

...or, close, anyway.

But that would mean…

“Are you… Master Luke?” she asked. “Because… based on his sister, I was expecting a human?”

“Oh, this,” the creature replied. “That’s a vision quest gone wrong. Or, well, a vision quest can’t go wrong. It’s a vision quest that didn’t quite go like I was expecting. And to answer your question… no, I’m not. Not any more.”

Rey’s confusion must have been plain on her face, because Luke (?) sighed, shaking his head.

“A Jedi,” he said, slowly and carefully. “Is in tune with the Light Side of the Force, and in a state of inner peace. A Jedi Master has a duty and responsibility to pass on their understanding of the Force to the others, and after the absolute pile of bantha leavings that I made out of my attempt I am quite clear that I am no good at it.”

He extended a wing, examining it. “And when I tried to get back my mojo, well… vision quest. I ended up looking like this, and quite honestly I don’t think the Force could have given me a better signal that I was urgently required to retire very quickly before something got even worse.”

Rey’s mind ground away at that for several seconds.

“...the Force turned you into this?” she asked.

“Did Leia teach you anything?” Luke demanded. “The Force is the energy of the entire universe. It is more powerful than the destruction of stars. It is the workings of fate and what holds all of reality together, and a mere infant who has the slightest connection to the Force can outmuscle the combined gravity of a planet simply by desiring that it be done. The Force is capable of all things, and all things are possible through the Force. So yes, the Force turned me into this.”

He chuckled. “The Force is mighty and powerful and strong. It is not tame. It is never tame. Do not make that mistake…”

Then Luke shook his head.

“And now I’m teaching again… I should really make sure to not do that.”

“But-” Rey began, then stopped and tried again. “We need your help!”

“To do what, exactly?” Luke asked.

Rey held out the lightsaber, then stopped, because she’d belatedly realized that Luke didn’t really have a way to use it.

“To stop the First Order,” she said, instead.

Luke chuckled.

“You don’t want that,” he said. “You might think you do, but you don’t.”

“Don’t tell me what I want,” Rey said, stung.

“I don’t mean you,” Luke countered. “I mean the galaxy. Because – if you look to a single person to save you, then you’re demanding that they solve all the problems that come along. That means asking them to rule the galaxy, in the end… the New Republic had a chance to create a durable institution that didn’t need anyone to save it. And what’s happened to it now?”

Rey shook her head.

“I don’t know,” she replied. “I literally don’t know. About two days ago I’d never set foot on a spaceship and I’d never left Jakku.”

“Jakku?” Luke repeated. “Wow. And I thought I was from a dump.”

Rey felt very slightly offended on behalf of her homeworld, but that was entirely swamped by the much stronger sensation of agreeing with Luke in every particular about that selfsame homeworld.

Luke chuckled, seeing her expression.

“Anything else?” he asked.

“...can you teach me how to use the Force?” Rey asked. “If you’re not going to help. Maybe I can.”

“I said, the Force sent me a message that I should not do any more teaching,” Luke retorted.

“Was it a message not to teach, or a message not to interfere?” Rey challenged. “Or was it just that you ended up turned into a ten metre flying purple lizard, and you interpreted the rest of it the way you wanted?”

Luke laid his head on his paws, inspecting her.

“...interesting,” he said. “All right. Tell me why I should help you.”

“Because Kylo Ren and Snoke are both on the side of the First Order,” Rey replied. “If there are Jedi and no Dark Jedi, then that leads to peace – but if there are Dark Jedi and nobody on the side of the light?”

Luke blew air out of his muzzle.

“...hmm,” he mused. “All right, we may as well see what happens.”

“We’ve secured the escape pod,” one of the stormtroopers reported, standing to attention, and Kylo Ren nodded approvingly.

“Good,” he said. “It is just as Supreme Leader Snoke foresaw. The scavenger girl has turned herself in. It is her destiny.”

He reached up, and opened the pod door.

Then stared.

“...er,” he began.

“I know,” said Rey’s voice, coming out of a kind of sleek black-purple winged lizard about two metres long, with her staff held poised in a wickedly curled tail tipped by a sharp blade. “Vision quest. Don’t ask. Where’s Snoke?”

Kylo pointed, more or less because he couldn’t think what not to do, and Rey-the-lizard breathed out a jet of pure obliteration that punched a hole in the Supremacy ten metres wide and that went perfectly straight right through to the far side of the ship.

There was a sort of muted explosion, possibly from Snoke exploding, but Kylo wasn’t willing to place any bets on that.

“Thanks,” Rey added, as air started to flow out of the hole, and closed the escape pod door again.

[plague-karm]

Minos Ultrakill Headcanons Because I’m Bored

•I like to believe that his and Gabriel’s character arcs are inverses of one another, Gabriel started off kind to others and slowly got weighed down by the authority that loomed over him while Minos started off matter of fact and reserved as the judge of hell until the Minotaur incident finally woke him up to his past regrets and his longing to help his people turned him into the kind man his people knew and loved.

•Minos didn’t look down upon other husks for looking less human than him, he saw the humanity that was buried deep down and wanted to show them that while those above may have forgotten them, they can make meaningful connections here as a new start.

•He’s still reserved, but he’s very sociable. His palace must’ve been HUGE so he liked visitors a lot.

•His snakes are called Ariadne and Deucalion.

•His people confided in him regarding their past sins and he often advised them on how to make a better path for themselves going forward.

•Was close friends with the husk who painted his and Sisyphus’ portraits.

•He died before machines even entered hell but if he had to converse with them he would be very confused (albeit welcoming as ever).

•Had a secret portrait done of Pasiphae that he keeps in the darkest depths of his palace as a permanent reminder of his previous sins as to not stray from this path he built for himself.

•He sometimes wonders if some of the husks were subjects of his when they were alive and they just can’t remember it.

•Is the only one who can understand his snakes’ language.

•Really likes plant life, he wanted his people to experience even the smallest of luxuries after all the work they put into rebuilding the city of lust as a paradise (grapes were plentiful).

•The only layers he didn’t travel to in person was Wrath and Violence. Wrath because of its raging waters and overall air of dread reminds him too much of Poseidon. Violence doesn’t need explaining.

•He didn’t feel any kind of dread regarding the return of heavens watchful eye, his heel turn made him believe that if someone who was once as cruel as himself could change, so could those in heaven

•Gabriel knew of the lust Renaissance prior to him being sent down to kill Minos. I like to think the two knew each other pretty well to an extent, meeting when they were at equal levels of whimsy. And when Gabriel began to grow more dower Minos would try and confront him about it but Gabriel would refuse to indulge him every single time (this would be when it’s getting drilled into Gabriel’s head that he’s above everyone around him).

•This is why Minos tried to reason with him without fighting back, he was genuinely caught off guard by his actions, someone who he once saw as a trusted confidant hurting him in this way, and so publicly as well…

•This is why there’s a defaced Gabriel picture in the Greed layer, they saw him as their saviour for so long only to be shown the ugly truth that he is carrying out the very will that keeps them all oppressed. The murder of Minos was THE key event that made most sinners open their eyes to this (except for those in Limbo who are doomed to toil in their delusions until their very bodies wither away to nothingness).

•His disdain of Gabriel isn’t because of how he betrayed him, its because of how he abandoned his once pure beliefs for the hollow words of an oligarchy who cares naught for the god he adored so much, only for the power his influence could give them. He knows Gabriel is better than this, or so he once thought, he made his death public intentionally, he purposefully inflicted horror and grief onto his people just to make a point. And that enraged him beyond belief.

•The Flesh Prison was very tiny haha tiny prison go brrrrr.

•His prime form isn’t very personal to him because his own desires weren’t the thing that pushed him to get this intense a level of determination beyond a physical form, it was his will to do right by his people regardless of the pit they were left in due to his own naivety and pacifism.

•Minos’ voice doesn’t just sound gravely because of his age, it’s because of the eons worth of screams and wails of pain and grief he let out in the flesh prison as he was forced to watch all he and his people worked so hard to build wither away to dust as if none of it mattered.

Case in point this old man deserved better and whatever second life he has it better be in a cottage where him and his snakes wear little hats and get to relax after the classic Greek tragedy that was his previous life.

[astrofaeology]

Venus in the Houses

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ᡣ𐭩 Please support me by reposting, liking, following me and commenting your placement. Venus in the natal chart represents love, romance and luxury. Knowing your venus placement can help you understand what type of beauty/love language you have.

1st house your personal charm and attractiveness are immediately apparent. You naturally exude a loving and amiable disposition, making you generally well-liked and easy to get along with. Your appearance often reflects your sense of beauty and harmony, and you might take great care in how you present yourself. Relationships are deeply personal to you, and you express affection directly and often with a focus on harmony. You value yourself and your personal brand of beauty.

2nd house strongly links love, beauty, and your personal resources. You value security and material comfort, and you're likely to enjoy accumulating beautiful possessions. There's a strong connection between your self-worth and your financial stability. You might attract money easily, or you find satisfaction in earning it to spend on things you love. Your relationships are often built on a foundation of shared values and a desire for stability, and you show affection through generosity or by providing comfort.

3rd house communication and intellectual connection are key to your relationships. You're charming and persuasive in your speech, often attracting others through your wit and pleasant manner. You enjoy social interactions, short trips, and learning new things with a partner. Love might develop through shared ideas, common interests, or even through siblings or neighbors. You value good conversation and harmonious exchanges, and you express affection through words and engaging dialogue.

4th house places a strong emphasis on love, harmony, and beauty within your home and family life. You deeply value emotional security and a peaceful domestic environment. Your home is likely a sanctuary, beautifully decorated and a place where you feel most comfortable expressing affection. You might have a loving relationship with your parents or form a close, nurturing family of your own. You seek comfort, stability, and emotional warmth in your relationships, often preferring to entertain at home.

5th house love is expressed with passion, creativity, and a sense of joy. You enjoy romance, dating, and all forms of self-expression. You're likely to be very popular, drawing others to you with your playful and affectionate nature. This placement often indicates talent in the arts, enjoyment of children, and a love for leisure and entertainment. You express affection grandly, often through gifts, creative endeavors, or simply showering your loved one with attention and admiration.

6th house means you express love through service, practicality, and helpfulness. You find satisfaction in assisting others and might attract partners through your work or daily routines. You value a harmonious work environment and often get along well with colleagues. In relationships, you show affection by being supportive, organized, and attentive to your partner's needs. You appreciate a healthy lifestyle and might enjoy activities that improve well-being with your loved ones. The challenge here can be over-analyzing relationships or being overly critical.

7th house is a powerful placement for relationships, making partnerships a central focus of your life. You are drawn to harmony, balance, and committed one-on-one connections. You thrive in partnership and often seek a soulmate or an ideal relationship. You're generally very charming and diplomatic, easily attracting others and striving for fairness in all your interactions. You value reciprocity and cooperation, and you express affection through your dedication to the partnership itself.

8th house love is deep, intense, and often transformative. You are drawn to profound emotional and physical intimacy, seeking powerful connections that go beyond the superficial. You might be attracted to mysterious or psychologically complex individuals. This placement can also relate to shared resources, inheritance, or joint finances, and you value financial partnerships. You express affection with great depth and loyalty, and you're willing to explore the hidden or taboo aspects of relationships. Trust and transformation are key themes for you.

9th house indicates that you find love and beauty in broader horizons – through travel, higher education, philosophy, or foreign cultures. You're attracted to partners who share your quest for knowledge, adventure, or spiritual understanding. You value freedom and a sense of exploration in your relationships, and you might find love with someone from a different background or culture. You express affection through shared ideals, philosophical discussions, and a mutual pursuit of truth and expansion.

10th house links your love life and values to your public image, career, and reputation. You might attract partners who are successful or hold a position of respect. You value achievement and recognition, and your relationships can positively impact your public standing. You present yourself graciously and charmingly in your professional life, often attracting opportunities through your amiable demeanor. You express affection in a more dignified or reserved way, prioritizing long-term commitment and shared goals related to status or career.

11th house your love and affection are often expressed within your social circles, friendships, and group associations. You're popular and have many friends, often blurring the lines between platonic and romantic relationships. You're attracted to unique, intellectual, and unconventional individuals who share your ideals and humanitarian interests. You value freedom, equality, and shared goals within your relationships, and you express affection through camaraderie, shared activities, and a focus on collective harmony.

12th house your love life can be quite private, complex, or spiritual. You might have secret admirers, hidden relationships, or a deep, sometimes idealized, love that exists on a more ethereal plane. You are compassionate, empathetic, and often drawn to helping those in need. You value unconditional love and spiritual connection, and you may find beauty in solitude or behind the scenes. Your expression of affection can be subtle, selfless, or even self-sacrificing, and you might be drawn to partners who need your compassion. This placement can also indicate hidden talents in art or music.

DISCLAIMER: None of my posts are intended to cause strife and if it doesn't resonate leave it. This post is a generalisation and may not resonate. I recommend you get a reading from an astrologer (me). If you want a reading from me check out my sales page.

[lullabyes22-blog]

Hi, I'm not expecting you to answer this ask, I just didn't want to comment this because I don't want it to be perceived as a 'call out'. This is rather to on the off chance this was an accidental reference let you know about it. In a recent ask you replied to, you said Silco views Mel as a Jezebel. If you weren't referencing the Jezebel stereotype levied against black women, I thought it might be good for you to know. Jezebel was used as an excuse to sexually assault enslaved black women, and continued to be used as a term to cast black women as inherently sexual and thus unable to be raped for a long time. Even today it is considered very racially motivated to call a black woman a Jezebel. Now, I'm not sure if you used the term to express that is how degrading his view of her is. But I thought if you didn't know about what Jezebel means in these contexts, someone should tell you. And I wanted to do it in a manner that made it clear I am simply informing you rather than attempting to embarrass or ridicule you.

Hey anon!

I'm fully aware of what the term 'Jezebel' means and we are, throughout this fic, deconstructing how Silco views Mel through this unflattering lens versus the actual lived reality of her experiences as a desirable woman in a position of power, as explored in how she shares more of herself and her hardships and how his perceptions of her alter accordingly, the longer they get to know each other and the more entangled their bargain becomes.

Mel's exploration in FnF is a callout in itself to how fandom all but labels her as a 'Jezebel' in its very unflattering critiques of her as a black woman and a POC in a position of power.

In-text, Arcane has little to no explorations of racial dynamics as that is neither the focal point nor the setting for it. But that doesn't mean the fandom's own social politics don't inform its biases on characters it trashes.

Mel, in particular, gets hit hard with this, being the only notable black woman in Arcane who is a) seductive in her deployment of power b) sexually desirable as evidenced by her beauty and how other characters react to it c) an active participant in trying to gain more agency/power/control by sponsoring Hextech to put Piltover on the map and perhaps win back her mother's approval d) portrayed as highly educated/wealthy/well-connected due to both diegetic text and Lol lore on the Medardas that makes evident just how high-status she is, e) is actively portrayed as having sex with Jayce and, at first glance, using this as leverage in-text as a form of control and f) at first blush, she gets away with almost everything she does, including her numerous manipulations to fast-track her agenda in the Council by using Jayce as her ticket.

All of which makes her, initially, come off as deeply unlikeable, conniving, selfish, vain etc.

At least: to a certain... demographic... of the fandom.

Arcane is very masterful at subverting expectations. Its intent is to tell one story through its visual language, playing into deep-rooted sexist, racist and classist tropes... and then undermining them. It takes characters like Silco, disfigured, conniving and literally coming from the city's sunken underbelly, and paints him initially as nothing short of monstrous, making his ruthless ambition and amorality look cold and unfeeling.

He's inhumane and violent. And so, naturally, everyone assumes he's the villain.

But, obviously, he's not - there's so much complexity to him underneath the surface and why he acts the way he does. And by the end, his dying words to Jinx make plain that however twisted and flawed he is, his love for his daughter is genuine, and he is willing to give up the dream of his city freed to keep her safe.

You are forced to understand that in order to get a seat at the table, your humanity will be stripped from you, piece by piece, until you are forced to become what your enemy fears.

Mel, likewise, appears at first to fit right into the mold of an ambitious, cold-hearted politician. She's clever, cunning and seemingly unrepentant about doing whatever it takes to further her ambitions. The imagery is always with her at the center of a spotlit or sunlit circle - ringed by power, with no shadows, all golden and glowing, as she machinates against others in service to her goals.

And yet the series makes it painfully plain that there is SO MUCH below her shining surface. The moment she sleeps with Jayce and their sex together aren't used by the writers to undermine her moral integrity - rather, the scene where she wakes up and realizes he's gone is used to break apart how small she feels at that moment.

This is a young woman who doesn't trust easily (or ever) because she knows intimately that, in order to win the favor she needs to thrive in a political world that was never designed for her sensitive heart, she has to be on-guard and self-reliant at all times.

She uses people because she can only depend upon herself. She uses her status, her beauty, her charm, her wit- whatever she can in the hopes of becoming strong enough and high enough that nobody would ever hurt her again.

The show wants you to see her one way, initially, so that when it comes time for her to begin 'defrosting' in Act 3, you are able to recognize the difference. She is shown painting scenes of home with a troubled expression, revealing the chasm between her present and her past, something many children of immigrants find familiar. She wakes to nightmares about Ambessa beheading a child - and symbolically killing Mel's own innocence in this context - so we understand that her own survival mindset is a direct consequence of being the banished scion of a warlord, and Mel's relationship with power, with self, with home, is informed by the trauma of how she amasses power in Piltover.

It's a reminder of just how hard Mel had to fight, and how alone she feels even amidst her privilege and security in Piltover, because she is still powerless in her mother's eyes, still seeking a form of validation, acceptance and redemption for a sin she doesn't even remember committing.

All of this, Jayce brings to life within her character in the span of mere episodes - thus reminding us that despite how Arcane wants us to perceive her, we've been misjudging Mel and denying greater depth to her character as well. It's the beginning of hers and Jayce's real relationship, once all pretense is dropped, and that isn't shown through sexual encounters any longer, but scenes of them physically close, sharing their deep-set insecurities, working through them, and finding solace together.

And yet, because Mel is, in fandom's eyes, the hypotenuse to the JayVik ship, the majority of fandom rejects these complexities wholesale and writes off all of her hardships, struggles, traumas and pains as shallow manipulations, without recognizing that Jayce's journey is symbolically one of ascent and fall, and how he makes peace with that fall and learns to embrace his shadow side is by taking in aspects of Mel as a shadowed mirror into everything he didn't want to face about himself and how he could have handled things better in pursuit of what was good versus what was great.

I wrote FnF predominantly to explore the motivations of Mel and Silco, both of whom are very similar in terms of thematic resonance, and how their portrayals in Arcane work against an unfair narrative that tries to cast them as pure villainy (Silco) or evil temptation (Mel) based on visuals and our unconscious prejudices that demand they adhere to two-dimensional depictions.

It was also sheer exasperation on how quickly fans dogpile on these two characters as the go-to villains responsible for every bad thing that happens, period.

Is Silco degrading and hostile in his views on Mel in FnF? Absolutely.

And that is the point of deconstructing the Jezebel stereotype. Silco projects onto Mel all the worst traits possible - assuming that she is cunning, selfish, entitled, spoiled and cruel and using sex as a weapon - whereas she is lonely, insecure, traumatized, fearful of making connections, motivated to prove herself to an authority figure and terrified that showing vulnerability will get her cast out at best, or killed at worst.

She's trying to do her best after her city's imploded, and that is why she's allied with Silco, in order to maintain stability on the homefront. Yet the way she speaks power as a language of seduction is precisely what leaves him so mistrustful regarding her. They both think the worst of each other while seeking common ground, and as that common ground is revealed in their vulnerabilities, they grow more capable of understanding each other in ways no-one else ever could.

They are two leaders of warring nations, playing similar roles, trapped in similar cages - yet utterly alien in every other facet.

So Silco calling Mel a Jezebel, here, isn't me demonizing black women by proxy; I'm simply exploring how Silco regards her as such - through that same lens of ignorance that fans project onto her via the tropes she appears to fill, but in reality subverts.

My intention in FnF is to be absolutely explicit about how degrading his views are - and how necessary it is to make room in his mind to understand how wrong he is - as I feel it mirrors so much of fandom's hostility towards Mel's character, whereupon they just refuse to see beyond the surface, where there is so much more depth available to us to explore.

I hope my answer gives you better context to understand that yes: I absolutely am aware of the history of 'Jezebel', and that I am deploying it in this sense as an active critique of those who'd fling it as a slur against Mel - by turning the trope back upon itself to deconstruct it by juxtaposing it to what is actually true about Mel versus what someone who wants to degrade her would claim about her in order to make her seem worse than she actually is.

<3

[izumiphoenix]

This post (and the thoughtful question and insights from @rivereverie too!) put into words so many things I’ve been thinking about recently – especially how layered and vulnerable that first night with Astarion really is. It’s not just about desire, manipulation or even growing trust… it’s also about him trying to reclaim something important, even if he doesn’t fully understand what or how to yet. And that moment can feel comforting and painful, meaningful and messy – and still very special.

I’ve tried to write about it, but it’s been really hard to express. Still, I completely agree: while it’s natural to want to protect him, especially after learning the truth, and I’ve felt that too – trying to entirely shield Astarion from intimacy kind of erases the fact that he’s allowed to want it – or not want it – in his own time, in his own way.

If you try to shield him from sex entirely, it stops feeling like an equal relationship. It can make Astarion feel like there’s something wrong with him: like he’s someone fragile who needs to be coddled, not a whole person capable of facing this and making his own choices. And that, in a way, is just another form of not seeing him fully, not believing he can get through this, or be wanted or loved as he is. Even if that’s not how you feel at all, it may look that way to him.

Reclaiming autonomy is such a crucial part of his journey. He doesn’t need a partner to make choices for him, even with the best intentions. He needs, I believe, someone who will support him, stay consistent, make him feel safe. Maybe gently check in if he’s clearly not okay, especially if he hasn’t noticed it himself. But not someone who draws those lines on his behalf.

As someone who struggles with boundaries myself, I think I’d find it equally frustrating if someone crossed a line I thought I’ve set or tried to set it for me. I might place it too far or too near at first. I might misjudge it and end up hurting myself or someone else. But that’s a necessary part of learning how to define it and protect it (I hope that makes sense!..)

And I also think the fact that you have to spend that first night with Astarion in his romance is important to his arc. Some players understandably wish it weren’t necessary (and I’ve had thoughts like that too) but it adds a lot of emotional weight to his arc, even if the moment isn’t entirely “positive.” It’s part of what makes his later growth so emotional and meaningful. It’s not very comfortable experience, but it is an important part of his path to healing and freedom.

And that’s why the grave scene hits so hard. It shows just how far he’s come and how different that intimacy feels once it’s truly real, based on trust, respect and love. He stepped back and learned to experience a kind of closeness that wasn’t physical – and that’s what led to that moment of genuine connection.

I remember crying during that grave scene. I don’t think any other love scene in media ever touched me like that. It just felt so right and so heartbreakingly beautiful 🤍

Hi, I hope it's alright to ask your thoughts on something about Astarion. I just think your posts always show a very deep understanding of Astarion as a character, especially in regards to his complicated views on sex and intimacy, and I really appreciate and respect your analyses. I'm only on my second playthrough, so I like to hear from people who have played a lot more than I have.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Astarion’s state of mind in the first sex scene in act one (I'm currently writing about it). The more I think about it, his experience seems to be a very complex mixture of both positive and negative that exist simultaneously. These are just some of my current personal thoughts (all of this in the context of the PC being someone who treats him well and is generally a good person):

This is the first time he's getting to have sex on his own terms in 200 years, and that's probably liberating, in a slightly terrified and overwhelmed way. He is likely trying to convince himself that he feels more empowered and in-control than he actually does, because he needs that feeling. 

He knows the PC better than he ever knew any of his past targets, but he doesn’t yet believe that they truly care about him, either.

The sex ends up meaning more to him than he thought it would, but I also imagine it isn't exactly enjoyable for him, given his dissociation, feelings of disgust, and the fact that this was all just supposed to be an act. 

He is also probably struggling to reconcile the fact that he’s growing to genuinely like the PC with his belief that they are fetishizing him (this also connects with your incredible post about Astarion’s feelings about feeding on the PC at this point, and how biting during sex can be enjoyable for him, though still uncomfortable in that he views it as transactional) 

He feels like his performance here is important to his survival, because in his mind he is using sex as currency to get the PC on his side. The transactional nature of it is probably comfortable in its familiarity, yet no less disgusting for him.

 So what I’m ultimately trying to ask is: 

In your opinion, how much of this experience feels positive to him vs negative? 

Which of the feelings mentioned above do you think are at the forefront of his mind going into the encounter? Which ones “win out” over others? Are there more factors I forgot / didn’t list?

(I hope I made this sound somewhat coherent. I’ve had a hard time articulating my thoughts about this scene.)

First of all, thank you so much for your kind words 😭 I’m always very touched when people say they enjoy reading my stuff. I don’t know if my understanding of the character is so relevant, all I can say is that I relate to him on many levels, and therefore I analyse him from my personal perspective. Which also means that my posts are just one interpretation among many others.

Now, concerning this scene, there’s a lot to unpack. And I first have to say that there is no clear answer to the question "Did he enjoy it or not?". IMO, it will always be yes and no. And I'm only offering a personal analysis of this ambivalent situation.

Proceed at your own discretion because I’m going to talk about trauma, SA, sex-work and complicated relations to sex in general. Be careful.

Please, keep in mind that al of this is pure speculation (and forgive the typos😅)(and this post is long and chaotic, sorry).

I globally agree with all your points, and I love that you mentioned the complexity of his feelings during this scene. We can all agree that he has contradictive feelings about sex in Act 1. It's not just disgust, not just hedonism, not just attraction, not just manipulation: it's all of this and more.

And that’s one of the things I love about the writing of this character.

Sex is always complex (for everyone) but for survivors it’s even more complicated. And I love that Astarion’s narrative stands against the “perfect victim” tropes and the idea that SA survivors are incapable of enjoying sex. Despite the decades of SA, Astarion still enjoys it and wants it, but his desire is tainted with self-loathing, with fear. He deals with those through defence mechanisms and what I’d call “automatisms” from his former experiences and obligations.  

That's why before I answer your questions, I want to add one point which can also work as a foreword to the rest of the post: Astarion is attracted to the PC.

He says it during the confession scene, and there's no reason for him to lie at this point. Likewise, if the PC tells him they can be together without having sex, he's indeed relieved, pleasantly surprised, but he jests about it being a challenge.

I think there's some truth in those words: it will be somehow challenging. First because sex is the only kind of intimacy he's known for 200 years; it's will be difficult to "quit the habit", to discover and get used to new ways to get close to someone. Secondly, because he does find the PC attractive and probably wants to be able to have sex with them without feeling bad about it.

After all, it seems like he enjoyed sex very much before Cazador turned him, since at the beginning, he thought he could still enjoy having sex with his targets.

Meaning sex wasn’t something that disgusted him before all this. He might be able to remembers (deep down) that sex can be 100% enjoyable.

Yet, it doesn’t necessarily means he’s now incapable of enjoying it; it only means that it’s going to be more complicated. He needs to rediscover how to fully enjoy it again – on his own terms – now that he’s free to give his consent.

Take the brothel scene for instance; if the PC have sex with Astarion and the Drow twins after dealing with Cazador, he's at first very excited about it. And I don't see any lie here, he's genuinely enthusiastic.

Unfortunately, during the orgy, he realises that it’s not for him ( not yet at least). Being with many people, and/or with someone that is not the PC is still an experience that triggers is trauma. But he didn't know that, he wasn't expecting his trauma to manifest. He wanted to do it, he wanted to enjoy it.

Not only he falls back into his old mechanism: sex as a performance, Astarion as an entertainer who must give the best performance to his partners, paying no attention to his own desire and needs. Followed by dissociation, which is something that happen automatically. You don't decide to dissociate. It's your brain switching off because the reality is too uncomfortable. It's survival.

Anyways, this bad experience is typical of what can happen to someone who's healing. It's normal. You want to explore your sexuality, and sometimes it works perfectly well, and sometimes not. That’s what healing is about. It's not linear, and sometimes it's messy.

It is true that some SA survivors are perpetually sex revulsed. And some of them become sex-addicts. And for most of them, it’s somewhere in-between. Still capable of enjoying sex VERY MUCH, but also finding themselves disgusted by sex sometimes for reasons they can’t really explain. There’s no rule as to how survivors experience sexual attraction. 

All of this to sat that it is clear to me that Astarion experience sexual attraction, that he is attracted to the PC and that even in Act 1, an important part of him wants to have sex with the PC.

Back to your points.

Control, habits and defence mechanisms

I like how you said he “is likely trying to convince himself that he feels more empowered and in-control than he actually does, because he needs that feeling.”

There’s definitely something in his mind that still thinks as a slave, something which believes that he must have sex to be safe. Because it was the case for as long as he can remember.

Seducing people, sleeping with them without thinking about his own needs, that's part of his habitus. His body has been a tool for so long that he still sees it as such.

It’s ingrained in his mind, and even if he’s regaining his agency, some of the seeds planted by Cazador persist in his mind (and will until the Act 2 confession). Astarion says it himself, it's instinctive. And as you put it, it's somehow comfortable, it's charted territories.

A part of him tells him his only value relies on his sexual skills. Therefore he associate sex to a “safety net”. But he probably hasn’t acknowledged that yet in act 1; he prefers to lie to himself and pretend he’s sleeping with the PC because he has become the puppet master. It's easier to think that way. But in fact, it was just a automatism, his survival instinct. So even if he’s really attracted to the PC, Astarion is still driven by fear and by a need to control how the PC feels about him (precisely because he's so afraid to lose control over the situation). And sex is the perfect tool for that. His body is the perfect tool.

[I can recall a few number of times I had sex with people while lying to myself and pretending I 100% wanted it, pretending I was the one in control, when in fact, I had sex with those persons for reasons that had nothing to do with my own desire. It doesn't mean I didn't find them attractive, it doesn't mean I regret having sex with them, but it still means that my motivations weren’t what I thought they were, that my decision to have sex was still controlled by something else in my mind, something different from my actual desire. I acknowledged it months and sometimes years later.]

When Astarion welcomes the PC in the clearing, he’s performing. When I say he’s performing, I mean in the way he presents himself and how he expresses his desire. He puts on the mask of the “mysterious sexy vampire”, keeping his voice low and his smirk sharp. He plays his part, the one he's played for years. He pretends to be the lover he thinks the PC want him to be, the overly seductive vampire with his exaggerated declarations.

I think there are several ways to explain why he feels the need to perform:

It has always worked with his target up to now

That's the only way he knows

The exaggeration is also a shield behind which he can hide his vulnerabilities

Let me explain that last point : Saying a simple “I’m attracted to you, I want to be with you tonight”, without all the grandiloquence, is not something he would do at this point (even if that's how he feels), because that would make him look vulnerable. That would mean being honest with himself and with you, letting you see his raw desire, so to speak. It would feel too real (I purposely insist on that word and you all know why), and it's easier to exaggerate the whole thing and to pretend to be the hedonistic and over-the-top vampire. After all, he’s confident, he’s been doing that for years. He knows it works. He knows he’s hard to resist.

But when you think about it, he's obviously lying, saying he wanted this to happen since his first meeting with the PC... Come on, the first time they met he was ready to kill them.

It's a lovely lie, just like the "I love you" during his second proposition for sex (I talked about it here), but when you look into it, it's far grimmer. Once more, there's a parallel between sex and death: "to have you"= Killing you. I already talked about that connection here, so I'll just quote myself: "It's possible to see Astarion's offer to kill you as a foreshadowing of him offering you to have sex with you. And considering what sex means to him at this point of his life - a tool to manipulate, which can lead to his partners to death - the parallel between the two in early act 1 makes a lot of sense to me."

But oh, They survived that first night with him! The PC is still here in the morning! That's new! It never happened to him before, waking up next to his partner. He needs to control this unusual and terrifying experience! Quick!

So I tend to think that the little remark about the PC being loud all night falls along those lines. He displays the (exaggerated) hedonistic, and over-confident part of his persona, as a way to reassert that he’s the one in control. As if saying, reminding them: "I made you (the leader of the group) scream all night because I decided to, and everybody knows about it. I’m the one calling the shots.” 

But I think it's also as way to hide how he really feels about that night. So instead of opening up and saying how he feels about it, he teases the PC about their own enjoyment. Another defence mechanism.

And yet, the mask cracks a little bit when he asks if the PC want to lose themselves in him; he suddenly looks terribly sad…

That’s probably a line he’s said thousands of times before and those who agreed did get lost… in death

It brings him back to the feeling of being a toy for others to enjoy, for people to use so they can "lose themselves"

The feeling on his face there is what he's trying to hide during this scene. He's wearing that mask (which will come back later if you ascend him), because he needs to protect himself. Not even sure if he acknowledges it at this point. It's an automatism.

But I believe that as the night unfolds, he finds himself enjoying it.

Maybe that’s just me, but I tend to feel like he’s getting more like his playful and silly self when you let him bite you. Whereas if you trust him to not bite, he keeps on performing, in control, like he was told to do by Cazador. 

If you let him bite you, you roll on the ground and he looks pleasantly surprised. And I think he starts to have fun here.

(Shadowheart, please)

And I think he can enjoy it even if he dissociates. As I said, the switch is automatic when the brain finds itself in a situation that represents some kind of danger or discomfort. For two hundred years, Astarion experienced sex in a way that was all but comfortable, sex he didn’t really want. It makes sense that his brain automatically switches off. Even though he’s having a good time here, intimacy itself is a trigger, no matter how much he's enjoying it. It’s instinctive, just like flirting is instinctive to him, paradoxically.

And I find the way he explains it quite interesting: he pretends it’s because of his bloodlust, because he didn't want to get carried away.

You see in his eyes that he’s lying. And I kinda like it because it’s sooo relatable. Finding excuses to justify dissociation or plain detachment during sex? yeah, that something I did, with answers along those lines: “I didn’t want to hurt you/I didn’t want to be too intense/I didn’t want to be too loud/I didn't want to scare you/I'm a little tired/etc."

And I still think he enjoys it even if he’s not 100% into it. He keeps his distance (mentally, emotionally) and it’s normal because he’s careful, because he doesn’t really know how to let go. And (healthy, happy) sex is about letting go completely, it‘s about trusting someone and allowing yourself to be completely free from your mental and physical restrains and automatisms.

It’s easy to understandable why he can’t fully let go: he’s afraid, because he’s not 100% sure he can enjoy this, because he doesn't know how the PC will behave, and because he still must be in control.

His body knows how it works, so he lets his body act automatically,  that body which have danced the same dance thousands of time. He doesn’t have to think and it’s easier not to think. Easier and apparently safer than following his true desires. Here again, it's an automatism: his body knows, he can switch his mind off, protecting it from potential bad memories, protecting him from his own desire and feelings, protecting him from the temptation of being himself.

He can’t let go, he has to be in control. if only to make sure he will offer his partner the best performance. Even if he's enjoying the moment because the PC is respectful, playful, gentle or whatever you imagine for this first night, he can't let go.

As you said, he’s convinced the PC is only here for his looks – But think about it: Astarion himself never offered anything other than sex, he didn’t pretend he was in love with the PC. He only offered his body. By doing so, he's also protecting himself from potential feelings (theirs or his) of attachment and affection.

It's like saying “Don’t get attached to me. It’s just SEX”. He pulls up his own walls to keep the PC outside. It's another contradiction: he suffers from being seen as a beautiful and shallow individual who’s only good for sex, but he says upfront that he won’t give more than sex. He keeps the PC away (emotionally) while suffering from it. That’s another defence mechanism, combined with the fact that he probably still see himself as a "mean to an end" (unconsciously), unable to see that he can be someone else than the "hedonistic and heartless vampire."

Besides, it's probable that he doesn’t believe it’s even possible for anyone to care about him. So he anticipates a potential emotional disappointment by saying that it’s only sex, convincing himself as much as to convince the PC that there’s nothing more to expect from it.

Positive/negative experience

You asked how much of this experience feels positive to him vs negative. Let's recap.

Positive feelings:

Excitement (first time having sex on his own terms + he’s attracted to the PC)

Physical pleasure (sex + blood if the PC lets him bite them)

Fun

A sense of freedom

Relief and a sense of pride (they fell into his trap)

A newfound affection (they trust him, they respect him)

Good surprise (he can still have fun while having sex!)

The PC being who they are (more about this later)

Negative feelings:

A sense of obligation

Fear

PTSD

The need to perform and make sure they enjoy it

Habits that make him serve instead of just enjoy the moment

Guilt

Confusion

Disgust

Feeling of being used (even if the PC isn't exactly "using him"; they accept his offer and they're not to be blamed for it)

One could think that the negative feelings are more important, and true, those bad feelings can be destructive. But I don’t think the unbalance is so evident, maybe because the positive feelings are all completely new to him, therefore they may be particularly powerful.

But in fact, they're all entangled and messy, and I believe Astarion himself can’t really make sense of them.

And later, he sums it up all on his own.

What we know, is that a few days later, he remembers that night as a good experience. And exceptionally good experience.

And tbh I think that’s what matters: What he makes of this night, how he digests and, remembers it, and he looks back at it. It was special. Special enough for him to admit it.

He admits it feels different with you, it feels good with you -- but he can't yet get rid of the negative feelings sneaking back in the back of his mind, ruining what should be a lovely moment.

As for the main feeling at the forefront of his mind… I don’t think it would be one feeling, but more a motivation: “I must stay in control” (whether he succeeded is up to discussion). In the end, I think he manages to suppress his main fears, to keep a certain distance, while at the same time finding himself surprised to be enjoying it.

Questionable motivations and enjoyment

As a SA survivor myself and a former sex-worker, there are so many things that fall close to home both in terms of ptsd, of performance and habitus. I perfectly see how desire, obligations, attraction and disgust can mingle until they become difficult to set apart. {Mind you, I’m not saying that sex-work and sex-abuse are one and the same, far from it. One can be a sex-worker and have never been abused].

In the case of Astarion, he’s first and foremost a survivor, and even if he compares himself to a prostitute a few times, he had no choice in doing it. Therefore, it's not sex-work, it’s human trafficking.

Yet, it's still transactional, and just like a sex-worker, he had to perform, to let the partner(/client) believe that he wanted them, that he wanted it, that he was enjoying it, even when it wasn’t the case. Remember how he made Sebastian believe he was head over heels for him.

During the first night with the PC, Astarion decides to have sex without anyone forcing him to do it. But he doesn’t do it out of sheer lust and attraction. He does it because he wants to keep himself safe and he thinks that’s the only way. Which is, imo, closer to what a sex-worker would do: having sex for money because they need that money to pay the rent or whatever they need to survive. No one is forcing them, except the material conditions and (in Astarion’s case at least) cognitive bias (the belief that he’s “only good at that”) + long terms habits.

And just like a SW, he has to make them believe that he's totally into it (believe me, client don't enjoy it as much if the SW doesn't pretend to be attracted to them).

Look at him, he’s performing. He's said those lines multiples times before. Even the movement of his hand: it’s theatrical. It’s planned and calculated.

This too is instinctive. He's done that for years and he is good at it.

Look at the shift, look how easy it is for him to put on a smiling face to "open a lot of doors" (and legs).

And after pretending to be attracted to those persons, he had to pretend sleeping with them didn't affect him. That too falls close to home.

That line in particular. SO FUCKING RELATABLE IT HURTS.

In my experience, there had been bad experiences. But you go on, because you need to. And to protect your own sanity, you stick to the idea that it's fine, that you can do that again. That it doesn't matter.

But it does matter.

And yet....

In the case of SW (which should always be consensual), being with a client can be a nice experience. Some clients are attractive, some clients are very sweet and respectful, some clients are very good fucks, some clients are all of this (and some clients are bastards but we’re not talking about them here). In any case, they are still clients. As a SW, I didn’t see them as potential ‘real’ lovers, and I wouldn’t have considered sleeping with them in any other situation. It doesn’t mean the experience was bad. I had genuine O with some clients and really enjoyed the company of some of them.

It seems contradictory, but it's real.

Back to Astarion: at the beginning of the meeting it ultimately starts with a performance, like the SW pretending they really want it (whereas they're only do it for money), but it might turn into a really good moment for everyone involved.

And IMO, that's more or less what's happening here with Astarion.

It's a tricky thing to explain because I really don’t want to look like I’m promoting forcing anyone to do anything. Sex should ALWAYS happen in a situation in which all the persons involved are 100% sure they want to do it, and 100% sure their partner(s) want to do it.

But there are exceptional situations (such as sex-work or what Astarion’s going through here, and I can think of other cases), where sex remains enjoyable even if the original motivations weren’t that clear. It’s not fully incompatible. Clearly, that’s NOT a healthy way to deal with your sexuality!!! But it can happen. And the main point here is that it still relies on consent. The person fully consents to do it, but they do it for “questionable” reasons (whether they acknowledge it or not), and they enjoy it in spite of having questionable reasons to do it. It can happen.

I think that’s what happens to Astarion at this point.

(That being said, I repeat it: ALWAYS make sure your partner is fully into it, and NEVER force yourself to have sex if you’re not 100% sure you want it!)

From a transaction to something else

It’s interesting to notice that if the PC refuses to have sex with him in the clearing, he doesn’t really seem to care.

He’s probably disappointed because his plan failed, but his reaction is very different from the reaction you get if the PC rejects him after the first night (my post on this matter here) when he seems really sad to be rejected. It means, I think, that this first night was REALLY meaningful – his heartfelt reaction to your rejection to spend another night together makes it clear. That first night was special since his reaction to your refusal is so very different.

In any case, if the PC refuses during that first night, he says he thought you had an “understanding", and it somehow evokes me something like a transaction (as you rightly mentioned in your message).

And it's not the first time he compares sex with the PC to a transaction. The first time he offers them to sleep with him, he presents it as a reward for letting him bite the PC. It's transactional: You let me feed, I give you sex.

He thinks that’s what sex is about. He has never known anything else, or maybe he did a long time ago but can’t remember.

I wrote that long post about how feeding him can be quite problematic given how he might see it as a transaction (here and here): Offering the the vampire bite kink in order to be fed and survive. It’s the same here.

He knows the PC enjoyed being bitten, he’s convinced they're attracted to him, and by being the one who gives "a reward", he presents himself in a position of control. I “allow” you to have sex with me, since you want it so much: I’m the one making that decision, having more power over you.

After all, in his mind at this point, sex is a question of power. (And if he ascends he undeniably falls back into that pattern; treating sex as a reward, as something to use to better control the PC)

You put it rightly in your message, there's also some sort of familiarity with that transactional system that is deeply comforting.

I won't lie, back in the days, it was sometimes difficult for me to be with someone who wasn't a client, because my partners then didn't expect anything from me. Whereas clients always expect something specific, if only in the SW's behaviour, or/and concerning the acts themselves. And it was comforting. I knew what I had to do to please them. But as I said, it didn't always keep me from having a good time with some clients. It's not incompatible. That's why I think Astarion can still enjoy it even though he's performing, and can get attached to the PC even if it started as something more or less transactional.

And that's precisely why it must have been so destabilizing for him!

After all, when that first night together happens, he appreciates the PC (you need enough approval to sleep with him). As you pointed out, they've already spent several days/weeks together, shared a lot things... That's new to him, sleeping with someone he knows and appreciates.

As a SW, I had defined through the years a clear line between people I met for the job, and people I met outside of it. There was no confusion between the two, even for the long-terms clients – even for the clients I cared about. I liked them, but we weren’t friends, we weren’t partners, we weren’t lovers. And we would never be.

I would say that in the case of Astarion, that separation exists, but it’s not as well defined because, despite his experience, all his partners were destined to end up dead (for all he knew) and he barely knew them anyway. He didn’t have to clearly define that separation because there was no opportunity, no room for him to get attached to them. He saw a target, seduced them, slept with them and they disappeared forever.

It was “easy”, he didn’t have to question the nature of his relationship with them. Whereas after that first night with the PC, they’re still there, alive, and they’re still being this great leader who cares about him and his needs, who values him as a person, someone whose company feels good. His habitus is all messed up and his mental pattern is no long relevant.

{From personal experience, and SW put aside, many years ago, before I really started working on my traumas, I forced myself to believe that I didn’t need affection, tenderness, care. I would never allow myself to cry, I refused to get attached to people (except some very close friends). Because I wanted to be in control of my feelings, I thought it made me look stronger, not showing any kind of vulnerability. I was 27 or 28 when I first experienced genuine tenderness and care while having sex and I realized that there was a softness inside me I had hindered for years and that I actually loved tenderness. Before that, I would run away at the first sign of affection, because it made me feel deeply uncomfortable (and vulnerable).  And when I finally accepted to experience it, it was completely destabilizing. It felt good, but I needed time to adapt.}

Astarion realizing that he wanted something real, soft, and gentle with the PC might have had the same kind of effect, but worse.  Because he was supposed to be manipulating the PC, to pull the strings, and he suddenly found himself being “manipulated” by his own feelings.

It must have been terrifying for him, realising that he could feel something like this. Because it means he doesn’t control himself (his feelings) as much as he wants to, as much as he thought he could. He "falls" for the PC, the expression itself being one of vulnerability.

For him, falling in love = falling into a trap. He was supposed to be the one crafting that trap, and he ends up being trapped by his (uncontrollable) feelings.

That's why he can sound so cynical about your affair. This banter is from Act 2 if you romance him:

He feels uncomfortable, not because you had sex, but because it actually means something, and he doesn't not how to deal with it. It's easier to joke about it than to admit that maybe he's not so much in control.

It's not the PC's fault

He’s hurt, he has PTSD, but he can now think by himself and make his own choices, for better or worse.

It’s normal for us, fans who know the rest of the story, to worry about him and to not want to have him do something he's not fully into. But we should give him some credits and let him experience sex his own way.

When you’re a survivor, sometimes you have great sex experience, sometimes your PTSD will ruin it, and you won’t be able to go through with it. Sometimes you have sex for bad reasons, sometimes you regret it and sometimes you’re proud of it. Sometimes you have healthy sex and sometimes you use it to hurt yourself. It’s normal. That’s what healing is about and how you learn to define your boundaries.

Astarion didn’t have any body agency for two centuries, it’s coherent that his first experience as a free man is driven by questionable reasons. You can’t expect him to immediately find a healthy way to deal with his sexuality.

For instance, if you don't sleep with him at the party, he spends the night with Lae'zel, and imho it's even worse.

She shamelessly uses him like a toy, and he knows about it. But it's still his decision to sleep with her, even if his motivations aren't "good". You can't take that away from him on the pretext of protecting him. He doesn't need that kind of infantilisation. Same thing when he decides to sleep with the PC.

The thing is that the PC can’t know. As benevolent and respectful and selfless as the PC is, it’s part of Astarion's storyline that they don’t notice anything. He does his best to keep the mask up because the last thing he wants is to look vulnerable to you.

And he knows it's not the PC's fault. He slept with them for questionable reasons and he feels bad about it; not because he thinks they hurt him, but because he knows he mostly hurt himself, and he feels bad for manipulating the PC.

He doesn't blame the PC for it, and I'm sure it's not because he's deluded by his sense of guilt. After all, he never blamed his targets for sleeping with him, even the "villains" among them. They're not the enemies.

Those who hurt him didn't hurt him because they accepted to sleep with him, but more probably because of their behaviours during sex.

Besides, if the PC uses the confession dialogue to trick him into sleeping with them again, Astarion accepts before realising how disgusted he feels about it, and there he blames the PC for it, because here they explicitly abused his trust, using his vulnerabilities against him. It's still difficult for him to say no, especially to someone he respects, but he can say no when he's not taken aback in his most vulnerable moments (again: he doesn't sleep with the PC at all if there's not enough approval). Sleeping with him that first night doesn't make the PC an abuser.

In act 1, the PC has no way to know how Astarion is feeling about sex, The PC is one that fool who wanted to love him...

Trust

I already mentioned how pleased he looks when the PC let him bite them, and I think it has to do with trust. They accept to spend the night with him although they know he's a vampire and they trust him not to drink too much. Look at his reaction if the PC warn him not to bite.

He's really disappointed, enough to put an end to this affair. The tone he uses here doesn't seem 100% genuine, though, masking indignation? frustration? sadness? I don't know, but the "it's about pleasure" sounds so fake to me.

He nonetheless decides to not sleep with the PC - he listens to himself and realises he doesn't want to spend the night with someone who can't trust him. The PC has taken back their trust and reduced him to his vampiric nature (as something bad). Whereas if they sleep with him, they show him that they accept him.

That’s what makes that night so special: not thanks to some sort of “collective ecstasy” but thanks to mutual trust. The PC trusts him not to hurt them. Astarion trust them not to abuse him. He’s not ready to be vulnerable, but he allows himself to enjoy that moment with the PC, despite his plan, despite his past. Because they've both come this far and the PC has proved him multiple times that he could rely on them. It’s a fragile trust at this point, but it’s still more than  what he’d ever had before.

An essential step

IMHO this scene is essential in the romance route. I know some players wished there could be an option to romance him without sleeping with him, and I perfectly understand why. Realizing that he might have not be totally into it is painful. It’s uncomfortable. I also understand that if the PC is demi-sexual/ace, it makes the romance road a bit awkward. And it’s a valid feeling.

You can romance him without sleeping with him as Karlach origin, and that's because it's Karlach. The tension arises from the fact she can’t and wants it so much (for good reasons), whereas Astarion can and wants it somehow (for questionable reasons). That road is specific to them both because they are a mirroring one another.

Karlach aside, the thing is that in terms of narrative growth and storyline, this first night is the starting point of his healing journey. For the first time in 200 years, he has sex in a safe environment. For the first time, he finds a partner who trusts him enough to sleep with him even though they know he’s a vampire who could bite them. For the first time in his existence he can have real fun while having sex, he can be silly and roll on the ground. And maybe during this moment, he’s no longer the “sexy vampire” but just a man frolicking in the forest with someone he's attracted to. And again, it's still his decision, no matter how "bad" his motivations are. We should give him some credit.

I think it’s a brave move from Larian to put the players in that situation, to make them face the harsh reality of trauma. The harsh reality of being with someone who has such complicated feelings towards sex because of their trauma. It’s real. Very real. And it feels good to be seen.

You don’t always know the past of your sexual partners. You don’t always know what’s in their mind when you’re sleeping together. And if you happen to learn the harsh truth, it stings.

The Act 2 confession wouldn't be such a powerful scene without the first night. Astarion wouldn't have appeared so brave. Telling the PC about his former motivations must have been incredibly difficult, telling them "I wanted it but wasn't really into it" is freaking brave, and it's a token of trust he gives to the PC. Without that first night, it would have fallen flat. The PC would have just felt some kind of pride for not falling for his flirting and...that's it. Good, have a medal. Instead, the narrative puts the PC in an uncomfortable position, asking them: "Can you accept that? Because that's what trauma looks like and it's ugly."

That first night is inherent to Astarion's storyline, and to its message. That man goes from someone whose only reason to exist is being a sensual, sexual being in a cruel environment - someone who cannot connect with others without sex - to a man who finds out that he’s more than that, that sex doesn’t have to be dangerous, that’s it’s so much more than a game of power. And when you compare his grandiloquent attitude during that first night to his behaviour in the graveyard scene, it’s even more telling.

Those two scenes need to exist side by side to make sense, to reveal the evolution.

Everything about him in the graveyard scene - his body language, the look in his eyes, his voice - is a reversed image of that first night. He’s at peace, he doesn’t have to use those stupid lines about “mutual ecstasy” and how he will “taste you”, he doesn’t look down on the PC or look away. He looks into their eyes and tells them with his own words that he’d love to have sex with them.

But you have to experience both situations for the graveyard one to be so powerful. To witness that beautiful evolution. And Astarion too; he has to experience a “not so real” night with the PC to know that he wants something real with them.

It makes it all the more meaningful and sweeter. And imo, the graveyard scene is so freaking hot! Much more than that first night! Because it's genuine. It’s simple. He knows what he wants, his motivations are clear. It’s a man telling his lover “I want you”. A man who's learning to decipher what he really wants and to express it. And it’s more than enough.

[Let’s be honest, it’s been quite challenging to write all this. I rarely talk about my past online (for obvious reasons) and this scene means so much to me. Analysing it feels a little bit like analysing myself. And if you ever went through therapy, you know how hard it is xD In any case, that’s still my pov, based on my personal experience. I don’t pretend I hold the keys to a universal truth about it. We all have our own experience and sensibilities, and all of them are valid, even if we don’t agree in our interpretations.]

Thank you again @rivereverie for giving me the opportunity to dig into all this. I hope my humble opinion will help.

Last thing, a moment a god I wrote a short fic about Astarion’s preparing himself for that first night, and it’s here.

[gingersn4pp]

let the soft animal of your body want what it wants