#the disability solidarity between these two is just beautiful

[patriciavetinari]

I understand that drawing parallels between types of opression is a sensitive business and that's why, as a white able-bodied cis woman, I don't venture there very often.

I understand that fatphobia is so ingrained and so deep in all of us, it seems so natural, that anyone bringing it to the same level sounds insulting. LGBTQ community does very little about the 'no fats' trend in dating profiles. I don't know who started the rumor that wlw are more body positive, that's a myth.

However, I have a personal anectode. I have a friend at work who is a lesbian. About a year ago she and her partner were getting a mortgage going for a 1 bed apartment. Exorbitant price. Barely scraped together their two incomes.

My friend is also fat. As a part of a qualification process, the bank had asked for medical history and BMI, and sent over to her a medical nurse to do a check-up.

They wanted to deny a paying applicant a mortgage based on her weight.

The bank didn't care that she was gay. It didn't matter that they are two people of the same gender, publicly out, getting a place together. That didn't matter. Her weight did.

Now. She did go on blood pressure medication and a diet. I told her my stance on this, but this was literrally a matter of housing, not conforming. They got the mortgage and the apartment. She is doing fine, while still fat. World events, pressure at work and mutiple terminally ill relatives continue to drive up her blood pressure. Because that's what it depends on much more than the amount of fat on the body.

It's just so frustrating to me how fatphobia is very open, yet people deny its existence. University teachers openly admit bias agaist fat students when grading yet noone believes us. Banks deny housing based on BMI yet noone believes us. Doctors admit being disgusted and avoiding touching fat patients and diagnosing every symptom as fat and missing cancers in us and declining to evacuate us in emergencies, yet fatphobia doesn't exist. We see conversion therapy for kids as abuse but not the 700 calorie diets. Xtians calling gay and autistic people spawns of the devil is outrageous but demonizing fat people for the sin of gluttony is fine.

Every situation is unique of course. Some bigots might care more about the straight fattie than the thin queer. But they are still a bigot with the potential to endanger a life with impunity because of the circumstance of the victim.

The lack of solidarity with fat people in marginalized communities is astounding. You see beautiful pinned posts how the blog is safe for trans and neirodivergent people, how it supports BLM and sex workers, then you scroll down and ten posts below there's a fat joke, just like that.

I never make a fuss or anon those people or anything, I just quietly close it and move on, siltently lamenting fat queers and disabled people and fat people of color and sex workers who should not feel safe on those blogs. We are not welcome after all.

[lonelier-version-of-you]

"Can I sit down? ...Today's happened. But now, you have to stay strong, you have to stay sober, and you have to keep fighting."

[returntothewilderness]

A Meditation for Tisha B'Av

Saturday evening begins the observance of Tisha B'Av (the ninth day of the month of Av), which is the mourning of the destruction of the first and second temples. I've always appreciated Judaism's approach to grief. It's done communally, it acknowledges that deep grief needs time to be felt and tended to, and it gives ample space to feel the pain as well as start to heal.

This pulled me in as I've always struggled with grief. When faced with overwhelming grief, the first thing I do is go numb. I shut down, I distract myself, I pull away from people, I feel like the only way to get through is to quietly suffer on my own. Judaism asks us not to just face ourselves when we're deep in pain, but to face others when they are deep in grief. With all the collective grief we've been feeling, it's important to let ourselves feel the despair and anger. However, it's just as important to work through our grief together so we can find ways of transforming the world around us. I don't remember the name of the person who said this (i'll immediately update once I learn it), but a disabled comrade who passed away liked to say that grief can topple empire.

This Tisha B'Av, I'm thinking a lot about the similarities between the destruction of the temples and our current struggles within empires. The complete destruction of life as Jewish people knew it. The need that arose to recreate something new yet familiar enough in the wake of destruction. This Tisha B'Av I'm mourning:

Those who have lost their homes, lives, loved ones, childhoods, and sense of well-being to colonization/invasion and war. Especially thinking of Palestinians as Gaza is again under attack as elections near.

Trans youth and trans adults who are at the center of deep political and societal hatred. Who are losing access to gender affirming care and support. Who face violence and death because of their gender identities.

Those who are navigating the concurrent pandemics with disabilities and chronic illnesses. Who have no sense of normalcy in their lives, who have lost touch with so many loved ones because of their lack of care, who have been living in uncertainty for over two years, and who have increasingly bad mental health.

Those who experience police profiling and brutality, who have their rights stripped from them, who have been separated from their families, and who have lost loved ones to this type of state violence.

Those who work many hours and many jobs and still can't afford rent, healthcare, or basic necessities.

This beautiful earth and the climate crisis that is impacting every part of it. To those who have lost homes, lives, and loved ones to disaster. To those who can't quite envision a future anymore because of the extreme weather.

But along with mourning, I think about how Judaism continued even after the fall of the temples. It was re-imagined and sustained with the small population of them that remained and it grew to what it is today. Just like the Jewish people who carried on and created something new after destruction, I fully believe different groups can come together in grief to transform our lives into something better. Our grief can bring equity, community care, mutual aid, protection, empathy, and solidarity. Our grief can build a world where our earth is taken care of, all people are free from the binds of imperialism and greed, and a place we can begin to heal.

[cruelsister-moved]

Drop the rec list plsss

ok this is gonna make me sound insane but like

this is a book, but tipping the velvet by sarah waters, she's actually the same 1 who wrote the book the handmaiden is based on but its just like. a lesbian book written by a lesbian and not interfered with like it's just so authentically lesbian. and it has drag kings and socialism and butchfem and like really ahead of its time exploration of like how upper class queer women exploit wc lesbians. the sex scenes are so gross bc like its set in victorian times so it tries to use victorian language like.. what the fuck is a quim ill kill myself. but it has straps and like no scissoring iirc so still a better depiction of lesbian sex than 99% ! (there are I think multiple TV/film adaptions of this idk I haven't watched them bc the butches didn't look butch to me so I didn't care)

yentl ♥️♥️♥️ literally a groundbreaking moment for women in film and even if it wasn't a secret butchfem magnum opus i would still recommend it because its a beautiful film with an amazing soundtrack and it's like a loveletter to prewar eastern european jewry. what baffles me is people always remark on the like gay man + transmasc subtext of this film but no one mentions that theres literally a butchfem lesbian wedding...its basically a choose your own adventure lgbt movie like babs literally put something for everyone in there. like if you want it to be a butchfemme film then it is. if you watch it you're going to be so confused for the first half an hour but just trust me. I feel insane like im frothing just thinking about it

i watched a film recently called drifting flowers which i really enjoyed! it's directed by zero chou who is actually a lesbian ♥️ it's again a really beautiful film and it has various lgbt characters and relationships between them like mlm/wlw solidarity or whatever. and it explores disability and gender a lot. and has like a reallyyyyy gorgeous butch main character. it's definitely really bittersweet but it's just so real and tender and there are some really good butchfemme moments that feel so real, like as much as i enjoy a fantasy fairytale it's also such a rare & special experience to see a relationship like yours on screen like.. i never see that!!

the rest from here down aren't explicitly butchfem but there's a French sitcom/drama idk called dix pour cent (it's on netflix) with like a really good lesbian romance and they lowkey have a butchfemme dynamic even though neither of them are butch. it's not ABOUT the lesbians but i literally love every single character idk it's like succession for normal people it has board meetings and everything. it's about an agency like for actors and the bit is basically every episode there is like a french actor playing themselves so if you're a fan of the isabelles (adjani huppert et al) and idk hot french lesbians in suits pls watch ♥️

i watched a swedish film recently called fucking åmal and all ill say is like. if youre a lesbian who came out during high school this film feels like looking in a mirror like it was literally EERIE to me i was like. they stole my life to make this film what the hell. but again like really sweet realistic characters and it has a sweet cathartic ending too.

and there's a bollywood film called ek ladki ko dekha to aisa laiga that i enjoyed sooo much and its really groundbreaking to have a lesbian lead couple in a bollywood film! its literally so fun and sweet and it has like really cute side characters and explorations of other social issues as well. i think the two leads are just sooo sweet and iirc they weren't allowed to show any kissing so they have gone to such efforts to show the affection and tenderness and chemistry between the couple. the screenplay is by a trans woman and its directed by a woman as well (no idea either of their sexualities but its such a good depiction of a lesbian relationship sooo)

um tldr. the golden rules are not directed by a man, had a lesbian involved w the writing/directing etc, look outside the US, and watch yentl or i will kill myself.

[liahswriting]

Lovesick Six and a Murderous Robot Boyfriend

Relationship(s): Revenant/original female character, Wraith/original female character, Mirage/original female character, Bloodhound/original female character, Octane/original female character, Crypto/original female character, Loba/original female character

Words: 8,411

Warnings: None

Summary: The new girl is very pretty and she's got most of the men (and some of the women) pining for her. Problem is, she's got her eyes set on a certain simulacrum.

Pretty girls can fight. Pretty girls can be tough. Pretty girls can be scary and threatening. Just because Gia was pretty didn't mean she didn't belong in the Games. I mean, Loba was almost perfect in every physical way and yet she knew her way around a pistol. Che had a cute face and yet her teams almost always were Champion. And of course Elliott was downright the most handsome man in the Games and yet he could wipe a team if need be. Being attractive didn't mean you were weak. In fact, Gia being attractive gave her an advantage to the game. After all, how could a pretty girl like her be any trouble? You think you're safe because look how cute she is, what is she gonna do to you? And then all of a sudden you're eating dirt because she shoved a wingman up your ass and annihilated you.

Gia's origins are unknown to the rest of the Legends. She showed up one day unexpectedly and won Champion that same afternoon. Her kit and abilities brought a whole new playstyle to the Games: a playstyle that both terrified and intrigued the others. Her enhanced vision gave her every input she needed to weaken your team's defenses. She knew exactly whose health was hanging on by a thread, giving her the ultimate advantage to breaking your team apart and dwindling your numbers until you were way beyond outmatched. The Legends assumed she had some sort of black market enhancement done to her eyes given the fact that they were far from being normal. How she managed to slip through the Apex recruitment with her fiercely white irises was beyond everyone. I mean, come on! The girl's eyes were as white as snow all around! The only color to them was a very faint, needle-thin black line separating her sclera from her iris. Everything else was pure white. Even her pupil. Crypto was already walking on thin ice with his illegal body enhancements. The only reason no one actually paid much attention to it was simply because his modifications didn't directly impact his abilities in the arena. But Gia was a whole other story.

Typically, the Legends expect Silva to dive head first into a fire fight with his stim. Or perhaps they'll see Crypto's drone following them around. And on occasion a team will back out of a fight to heal up and end up running into another team holding a choke point with Wattson's electric fences. All of this was expected. And then Gia came along and now every Legend that wasn't on her team was afraid of her tactical EMP that disabled all enemy primary weapons. You could pin her team down and you think you're gonna win, and then all of a sudden your Devotion stops all functionality and now you have to rely on your Alternator with 20 shots left in the chamber.

As if that wasn't enough of a fright, instead of Makoa's air strike landing on your head or Bloodhound storming up behind you faster than humanly possible, Gia's big trick messed with your mind and your vision. In the blink of an eye, you are no longer able to discern who is teammate and who is enemy. And it's not as simple to just say "Wraith is not on my team. I need to shoot her" because the enemy Wraith you're staring down through a 4x-8x will suddenly appear as your friendly Pathfinder and your friendly Pathfinder will suddenly appear as the enemy Wraith. It was more likely to die via friendly fire than enemy fire when Gia's ultimate activated.

The only reprieve the other Legends got was finding out that she was insanely friendly. Thank god too because no one needed another Dr. Nox or another Revenant on their team. Gia was friendly with everyone she interacted with. Despite her scary demeanor, she got along rather excellently with the other Legends. And that's when most of the trouble started.

It all started off as friendly taunts. Elliott took the first step and made a move on her immediately. After all, she's beautiful, he's beautiful, it only made sense for the two of them to date. They could be the ultimate power couple. Their two beautiful faces displayed up high on the Champion banners. It was a dream. But she politely shut him down. Still, he tried again. And she laughed and played along. "My my, Mr. Witt. Aren't you the massive charmer!" This caught the attention of the daredevil himself and he attempted to get under Elliott's skin by literally sliding by them in the arena and dropping the biggest pickup line she's ever heard. "Aye, amiga. Thanks for brightening up the place with your beautiful face." and then he put a couple bullets in Witt's stomach. Silva's team went down immediately for that stunt and Elliott was able to be picked back up, but his idea worked. Elliott was obviously mad at the green-haired adrenaline junkie after the game for trying to steal "his girl" but it was all in good fun when she turned him down too. Bloodhound soon was seen at her side more often than not. He found her skills fascinating and her air of mystery perfectly matched his own. They had sort of an unspoken bond between them, connected solely on the fact that both of their lives were an enigma. Everyone asked her about herself but she never opened up. When it was just her and Bloodhound, neither one even dared to ask the other about their past. It was comforting being able to sit with someone and not have to worry about prying curiosities. Bloodhound attempted to flirt; there was lots of hand touches and close sitting. Yet she turned him down too.

After that it became an unofficial competition between the three of them to see who could win her over, which lead to a lot of showing off and friendly banter. Elliott would throw pickup line after pickup line at her. Silva did crazy stunts to impress her. Bloodhound brought her tea every morning. And yet nothing ever came of it. Gia would play along every now and again but at the end of the day she made it clear she was just playing. Still didn't stop the men from trying.

And then Loba joined the crowd. And boy oh boy was that a surprise. The chick was into chicks! "Did you clowns ever stop and think that maybe you don't have the right parts she's looking for?" Loba taunted them. But she was right, of course. None of the men asked Gia if she was even straight. But it was still all laughs and good times regardless if she ever found an interest in them. Loba had other ideas in mind. She was thoroughly convinced that Gia was full on gay, looking to get it on with another girl. And Loba believed she was just the girl to get her rocks off. Loba was much more blunt than the men ever were in their affection. That night while all the Legends were winding down with some drinks and enjoying the royalties they made from the recent Game, Loba approached Gia and asked her if she would like to join the seductive thief in a private area away from the loud crowd. When she agreed, the three men that had been pining for her started to believe Loba was right all along. Loba and Gia were gonna do it! Loba was gonna fuck the new girl before they were! As much as Elliott enjoyed the thoughts that put into his mind (and trust me, he enjoyed them a lot), he was upset that all of his attempts had been for naught.

Loba and Gia had disappeared for hours and the three men all huddle together in somber at their ultimate defeat. Elliott poured several rounds of drinks for them in solidarity and they cheered a farewell to their playful challenge. It was Gia 's friendly "What's wrong, boys?" that gathered their attention mid-mope. Silva was just about to tell her of their shallow depression when he spotted Loba stiffly walking up to the bar for another drink with a pout on her face. The thief looked just as pristine as when she and Gia disappeared. Not a single wrinkle in her clothes nor a thread of hair out of place in its braids. So she was wrong!

"Nada, bonita. We're all good here!" he happily told her and shot back what was left of his current drink. "Right, guys?" he nudged them with a big 'ole grin on his face. Neither of them picked up on his hints but they agreed with him anyway. She didn't buy it for one second and got another round for them to put a smile on their faces. A single, friendly peck to each of their cheeks is what really solidified their grins and she walked off, happy to have made them smile. When Loba approached them after Gia walked away, Silva was quick to ask the slumping woman what went on behind closed doors.

"I was wrong." she admitted pitifully. "She turned me down too."

"So the competition is back on?" Elliott questioned and all four of them agreed. And thus their antics continued: Elliott flirted, Silva showed off, Bloodhound gifted things, and Loba seduced. None of it worked in the slightest. But Gia would laugh it off and let her touches linger just that fraction of a second longer that made them all question their sanity. If they were teamed up with her, they'd give her the items she requested. If she was hungry, they got her food. If she was feeling unwell, they took care of her until she was better.

"Like lost puppies." Anita commented to the four of them as she watched them all practically drool at the sight of Gia on the complete opposite end of the room. She seemed unaware of their presence but they knew she knew they were there. She sat with Makoa and Pathfinder, all three of them happily chatting with each other without a care in the world. Makoa's big belly laughs rang in everyone's ears.

"She's totally into me, I can tell." Elliott stated matter-of-factly.

"As if." Loba retorted.

"Did'cha ever think that maybe she got someone already?" Che asked with a smirk. "Some of us got loved ones back home."

"I doubt it, amiga. She would've told us if she did." said Silva.

"Maybe she didn't want to tell you. Seems like she doesn't tell anyone anything about herself. For all you know, she could have a husband, or wife, and several kids back on her home planet." Anita commented. The latter part of her sentence fell on deaf ears as the four love-sick Legends stared in Gia's direction when she laughed at something either Pathfinder or Makoa said. Her laugh was like music to their ears. Anita rolled her eyes towards Che and the other simply shook her head.

"Look at her! She's absolutely gor-gor-gorg... pretty! We're totally comp-compat... made for each other!"

"If we're going off looks alone, surely there are better suitors than you." Loba told Elliott with a smirk.

"Hey now, that's quite rude!"

"Gia is a strong fighter. Our skills are equally matched. Perhaps she's not looking for a superficial partner at all."

"All of you are a hack." Crypto's voice surprised everyone. He stood just off to the side, watching them with a bored expression on his face. Hands in his pockets, as is his usual stance, he eyed all four of them down.

"Come on! Don't try and tell us you don't think she's muy caliente."

"She is very beautiful," Crypto agreed. "and you are very desperate."

"So you are not in any way attracted to her." Loba stated rather than asked. She leaned forward, chin on her knuckles, and pressed him.

"I never said that."

"So you think about her."

"I never said that either."

"Say what you want, but until she tells me to back off I'm not going anywhere."

"And neither am I!" Elliott responded rather quickly -and defensively.

"That makes three of us." said Silva.

"Four."

"Fine. Make it five."

"I can't believe this." Che grumbled.

Gia found Crypto unexpectedly by her side more and more. He was rather reserved and his attempts at flirting were down right embarrassing. She tried not to show pity for him. The poor guy probably hadn't ever touched a boob before. She assumed him like Elliot, Silva, Bloodhound, and Loba and went along with whatever he said. She never asked much from Crypto and he was thankful for that. He had no idea how to woo her. He knew absolutely nothing about her, but who was he to ask her about her past if he wasn't willing to exchange an equal value? She was pretty and she was talented, so he tried to play to those strengths. He complimented her when she dolled up and he praised her when her team won Champion. Very rarely was he ever paired up with her so he often admired her through his scopes. He assumed to himself that he could impress her if he won Champion, so he tried his best to wipe the floor with any enemy teams he came across. More often than not, her team would demolish his so he would side step her if he spotted her. However, whenever Caustic or Revenant were on his team, there was no room for niceties and they went in with guns blazing whether he liked it or not. Caustic would throw his gas traps at them, or Revenant would silence them, and then suddenly both teams were at war with each other.

Just last week, Revenant went charging in at Gia, Bloodhound, and Wattson. He silenced their abilities, giving Revenant an easy target on the blonde girl before she could even defend their position with her electric fences. Wattson went down like a sack of bricks. And then Wraith went charging in on Bloodhound. She managed to break the hunter's shields before Gia came to her teammate's rescue and knocked the voidwalker to the ground with a few well-placed 301 shots. Crypto attempted to help his team by going in with his drone and EMP-ing the two enemies still standing. With their abilities still silenced, Gia was unable to fight back at the same caliber and Revenant took his EVA and pulled the trigger three times in Gia's chest. She collapsed to the ground with her knockdown shield aimed directly at the robot.

"Nothing personal, girlie." he chuckled as he tried to show off and finish her. He got interrupted when Bloodhound came around the corner and shot his hopped-up Wingman into the simulacrum's skull. Revenant went down as well. That left Crypto versus Bloodhound. Crypto was still fully shielded as opposed to Bloodhound. However, Crypto was armed with a 45 while his opponent had a Wingman with a skull-piercer on it. Even if Crypto landed all of his shots, it would only take three from the hunter to fully knock him. And he did indeed get knocked. His gold knockdown shield was the only thing that kept his team from being spawned out of the arena and back onto the dropship. Bloodhound knows Crypto's entire team was down so he was not at all worried about being shot in the back as he picked up both Gia and Wattson. Gia didn't waste any time healing and instead finished off Revenant with a big fucking smile on her beautiful lips.

"It's not personal, Rev." she echoed back at him and followed it up with a knee thrusted into the simulacrum's throat and then a low roundhouse kick to the side of his skull. Revenant disappeared, his banner taking his place. Meanwhile, Bloodhound turned to Crypto and attempted to finish him off as well. The last thing Crypto saw was the hunter's battle axe being thrown at his head. And then he and Wraith were standing next to Revenant on the dropship while the on-ship medics came to tend to their wounds. Crypto ignored them, instead turning all of his focus towards the displays following the remaining teams in the arena. One monitor focused on the general rotation of the arena. Another showcased the team that killed his. Crypto's eyes followed Gia's face on the display. She was quick to heal up and then lead her team towards the ring.

The rest of the game was long-lived. Many teams put up a good fight with each other. Ultimately, the best team had to win and that team was of Lifeline, Octane, and Gibralter. Gia's team came second. As skilled as she was, going against Lifeline was a difficult feat. Especially when Gibralter's shield dome gave the team ample cover for a quick pick-up. Not to mention the fact that Silva was nearly resistant to pain and was able to recover without the use of meds once he was picked up. A good heal will almost always out fight heavy damage. Once all the teams made it back onto the ship, Crypto approached Gia. "Good fight." he simply said. She smiled at him and returned the sentiment with a peck to his cheek. Crypto felt his face grow hot and he heard a snicker beside him. He found Loba, Bloodhound, Silva, and Elliott watching him with dopey smiles. Loba crossed her arms and eyed him in a way that meant she told him so. He ignored them in favor of getting patched up the rest of the way by the ship medics.

"You may have won this time, little girl, but I'd watch my back if I were you." Revenant threatened Gia at the other end of the ship. He bent down to her level and stared right into her eyes. But she didn't shy away from the simulacrum's threatening advances.

"The only thing I'll be watching is a replay of me finishing you." she shot at him. He simply returned her remark with a deep, throaty sound and then he stalked off.

That night, Elliott threw a small after-party at his place. There were drinks aplenty, more food to go around than anyone could think of, and of course the Champion squad. All complete with Silva begging to do some party tricks and doing them anyway regardless of how Elliott responded. Not as if Elliott would say no to his friend anyway. Everyone came out to the party. Even Dr. Nox and Revenant who hardly ever show their faces when not in the arena. Still, they kept to themselves and only participated when coaxed. Well, at least Dr. Nox did. Revenant just stalked everyone as per usual.

Gia tried to make rounds with everyone but it was becoming difficult with five of the Legends begging for her attention. Silva wanted her to watch him light himself on fire. Which he did and she watched on like she promised. "One of these days you're gonna get yourself killed, love." she said to him as she patted down the last of the flames burning away at his shorts.

"As if Death could catch me, chica bonita."

"Promise me you'll live to see tomorrow so we can get lunch."

"Absolutamente!" he grinned from ear to ear and then she walked off to sit and talk with Anita and Che. "She wants me." he said to Elliot. The latter simply rolled his eyes.

"She only said that because she doesn't want to watch you kill yourself tonight."

"She so wants me."

Gia chatted with the two women. Gia congratulated Che on her win today and the medic praised her back with a statement of her skill. "A couple close calls." the woman had said and Gia nodded in agreement.

"A toast to our Champion!" Anita held her glass in the air and the other two women clinked theirs together and took a large gulp of their drinks.

"Let's hang out this week. Go do something fun. My treat, of course as a present for our lovely Champion here." Gia offered the two women.

"I'm in the mood for a nice massage!" chirped said Champion. "It hurts having to carry 'round these children all the time." This made the other two laugh heartedly.

"I swear, some of these kids want to get hurt." commented Anita.

"Sounds an awful lot like those five over there." Gia pointed to the group huddled together and watching her.

"They just tryna impress ya. Problem is they don't know when to quit it."

"I think it's cute."

"Do ya like any of them?" Che asked and Gia sat back and thought about it for a second.

"They're certainly cute. And it's funny watching them flirt. But it's all just fun and games."

"You seeing anybody? They won't stop unless you tell them you're taken." said Anita matter-of-factly. She took another gulp of her drink.

"They don't need to stop. It's nothing serious. No one's getting hurt and I've already told them no so it's not like I'm leading them on. Let them dream a little."

"As long as ya okay with it."

"I am." she responded. "I'm also hungry. Be right back." she told the women and got up to grab some food that was piled up on a table. There was so much food here but she wouldn't be surprised if it all got eaten anyway. There were some hungry Legends here and -she's not going to name names- some of them can absolutely pack it away. Silva didn't count, however, because his metabolism was way faster than normal so it's never a surprise to see the green-haired junkie go up for fourths or even fifths. Gia grabbed a plate and filled it with foods that appealed to her. Nothing fancy but just interesting enough to get doubles of. As she was making her way back to Che and Anita, she spotted Wraith sitting alone and moping. Gia detoured over there and took a seat opposite of the woman.

"You doing okay?" she asked, making Wraith look up at her and force a smile.

"Yeah, I'm good."

"You sure? I didn't hit you too hard out there today, did I?" Gia attempted to lighten to mood. It worked to a degree; Wraith cracked a more genuine smile and gave a short chuckle.

"You got some good shots on me but that was pure luck." she said. "Good game today, by the way."

"You too. Do you wanna talk about what's bothering you? I'm all ears."

"Thanks but I'll be fine. It's nothing serious."

"Come find me if you ever need a shoulder." Gia offered the woman and was gifted a nod with a bigger smile in response. Gia placed a gentle hand against Wraith's cheek. "Smile for me some more. You've got a beautiful smile." she said and then got up and walked away.

"You don't think Wraith's into Gia too, do you?" Elliott asked the group as they all watched the exchange happen between said women. His eyes followed Gia for a moment as she walked away and then focused on the other. Even though Wraith looked away from the room, he could see her blushing furiously. And she tentatively placed a hand against the same cheek Gia did. Oh, she definitely had it bad for her.

"I wouldn't be surprised. I've caught her staring at my ass on more than one occasion." Loba snorted.

"Gia and Wraith aren't seeing each other already, are they?" Crypto asked everyone as if they had any more answers on her love life than he did. As predicted, everyone else shrugged or didn't answer at all. Elliott went back to watching Wraith's behavior. Everything that just happened in the last 10 seconds told him that Wraith hadn't expected Gia to show her that type of affection. If she's blushing that bad from a single touch, then that means Wraith is crushing real hard. She didn't act like that was a normal occurrence between the two of them. As if she could read Elliot's mind, Wraith turned her attention to the group of five that had been watching her. Elliott waved his hand over to her, silently telling her to join them. Wraith did a double take, making sure he was in fact motioning to her and when she realized he was, she made her way over to them.

"Aye, you into Gia?" Silva got right to the point and put Wraith on the spot. She sputtered.

"What? No. What makes you think that?"

"You do not have to lie." Bloodhound calmed her. "She is the reason we're all here." he motioned to the group.

"She's just a friend!" Wraith was quick to defend. "I mean she's pretty and all but nothing would ever be between us."

"So you admit you're into her." Loba accused and Wraith went silent. She blushed again.

"I mean, she's nice. And pretty. And she smells good. But so what."

"Listen, no one's poking fun at you. We all like her." Elliott came to her rescue.

"Yeah and we've got a competition going to see who she likes more!" said Silva.

"Why?"

"Because it's fun! And because we can hit on her without pressuring her to return the favor."

"So she knows you've all placed bets on her?" Wraith assumed questionably making the others stiffen and look to each other.

"Well." Crypto started. "She doesn't know about the competition but she knows we all are attracted to her."

"Isn't that kind of, I don't know, scummy?"

"We're not placing actual bets on her." Loba defended.

"Yeah it's just all bragging rights at the end of the day if one of us wins her over." said Elliott casually.

"Aye, you can get in on this if you want, chica, but we're all just having fun."

Wraith hesitated for a moment to think it over. This was scummy, right? Holding Gia as a prize? Surely she wouldn't appreciate it. But then Wraith looked over to Gia sitting with Che and Anita and noticed how beautiful she looked when she had her hair down. Wraith quickly touched her cheek again.

"What are the rules to this... competition?"

"None really. Try to woo her and, if you do, congrats. You won." said Elliot.

"So, are you in or are you out?" Crypto questioned.

"I'm in."

To say Gia was leading the pack was a bit of an understatement. Everywhere she went, her little lovesick posse was not too far behind. And it seemed to be growing by the day. Given that there were now six of them, it was more likely she was paired up with at least one of them during the Games. And when they were paired up together, it was very obvious they were trying to impress her. If she was ever downed, Wraith would stop whatever she's doing to portal her to safety even if she herself wasn't in a safe position. If she was out of ammo, Elliott dropped several stacks of whatever she needed even if he needed it himself. If she gave an order, Silva would absolutely follow it even if he had already jump padded a mile away. If she wanted the Peacekeeper, Loba would steal it for her. If Crypto found a high-level shield, he'd let her have it. If the team got split, Bloodhound would always follow her in case she ran into another team. And if their third got pinned, well Bloodhound wasn't leaving Gia's side.

Everyone else was starting to notice it more and more and they'd approach her about it. "It doesn't bother me." she'd say. And maybe it truly doesn't. Maybe she likes the constant attention she gets from the lovesick six. It certainly didn't hinder her performance in the arena. However it was becoming a bit annoying not being able to spend much time with anyone else without the group being a hare's breath away. But still she played along, laughed at their jokes, swooned over their flirtatious remarks, cheered them on as they showed off.

The Games continued nonetheless and even more Legends showed up; first there was weapons-expert Ramya Parekh, and then there was scientist Mary Somers, and with Dr. Somers came a new arena. Both of whom were very quick to pick up on the weird dynamic between Gia and six of the other Legends. "They're quite infatuated with you, darling." Dr. Somers had commented on day one of her being there. "Eh, they're all a bit weird." Ramya said nonchalantly.

Also Revenant and Elliott got to take over the games for awhile -again. Everyone hated when Revenant got control of the Games and this time around he's decided to switch it up a little bit. Elliott, on the other hand, took the opportunity to impress Gia. "Look at me! I'm so good they wanted to bring me back! The fans love me!" he said. His pride was short lived because the Apex hosts gave the fans quite the show when new events dropped and Elliott, Silva, Wraith, Bloodhound, and Loba all got makeovers -among other Legends, Gia included. All of them took their new looks on stage in an attempt to make Gia swoon. And as good as they all looked, Gia barely had the time of day to compliment them because Apex was whisking her away left and right to show off her new look. The fans loved her and demanded her attention. There was even a huge party for all of the Legends and multiple press corporations to advertise the new events. It was all just so overwhelming. Gia hated being center stage and the constant swarms of people drained her energy rather quickly. Her only reprieve was when one of her six admirers took all of the attention away from her as they did some sort of stunt to make her smile. It was mostly Silva donning his Octane ego that got the press's attention because who doesn't love to watch a daredevil jump out of the window? Nevertheless, she appreciated the breath of fresh air when the cameras weren't on her. She took the opportunity to hide away near the buffet table.

"Ya doing alright?" Che had asked from beside her, grabbing food for herself.

"I'm fine. Just need a break from all of this."

"Still not used to being a fan favorite, are ya?"

"I'm surprised I'm a favorite at all, to be honest. I know a lot of people like to go for the shiny, new toy but I'm no longer shiny or new. Ramya and Dr. Somers should be getting all of the attention."

"Are ya kidding me? Ya one of the best there is! Ya win more games than ya lose. Of course ya a favorite!" Che attempted to cheer her up.

"You win a lot of games too, but it seems like everyone wants to surround me."

"Well, I have been here longer than ya have. Give it time and they'll move on. They like ya because ya don't tell them anything. It keeps them interested."

"I'm sure you're right. But for now I just need a breather. I'll catch you later, Che." Gia bid farewell and walked off into the shadows, away from prying eyes and camera flashes. The combat medic made her way back to the center of the press where Elliott and Silva were waiting to talk to her with concerned looks in their eyes.

"Is Gia alright?" Elliott questioned her, making a move to go follow the object of his desires. Che put a hand against his chest to stop him.

"She don't wanna be bothered right now. She wants to be alone. So leave her alone."

"Is she hurt or something?" Silva asked worriedly.

"Nah, she just needs some fresh air. But she made it very clear she didn't want anyone to accompany her. So make sure ya tell the others to leave her be tonight."

"Can you at least tell us where's she's going in case she need someone."

"If she wants ya, she'll let ya know." was Che's response and then she walked away, hoping those idiots wouldn't bother Gia. She had to give the dopey idiots some credit though because all six of them never left the party. Despite their infatuation with the white-eyed Legend, they respected her privacy and gave her space when she asked for it. The press took notice of Gia's absence and tried to dig into everyone else for her whereabouts but no one relented and the press was forced to focus on the remaining Legends at the party.

Once the whole shebang was over and the press had made their leave, the six were becoming slightly worried at Gia's continued AWOL. She hadn't talked to anyone since she told Che she was leaving. No messages or calls. Nothing. Surely she was fine, though. Gia could absolutely hold her own if god forbid something were to happen, so the Legends weren't worried about finding her all beaten up on the Docks. But they were worried that something was still wrong and didn't feel comfortable letting her be alone for this long. It's been hours since anyone has seen her.

"I'm gonna go look for her." Elliott finally said. He was obviously agitated in his boots. The others weren't looking so hot either and they all agreed to split up and look for her. Problem was, there were far too many places she could possibly be and she hadn't answered anyone's messages so there wasn't even a general location they could pinpoint her at. They all checked her place in the compound housing the Legends, they checked all over Olympus, they checked Malta. They checked everywhere they could think of, but there was no sign of her and now they were well into the wee hours of the morning. Everyone was seriously starting to worry.

There was one final place Elliott could think of where she might possibly be, so he ran there as fast as he could to check. If she wasn't there, then he was starting to think he'd need to put a missing person's report on her. Surely Apex would find her quickly; they can't let one of their best fighters disappear. Especially not after a night of reporters fawning over her. Elliott charged towards the dropship housed at the very edge of Olympus. Getting through the security was rather easy, simply because the security had been disabled which was a relatively good sign in Elliott's eyes. She had to be here. None of the Apex crew were working at this time, as far as he was concerned. He let himself aboard the aircraft and he nearly collapsed onto the floor when he did.

Holy fucking shit, Gia was here. And she was with Revenant. And she was very clearly naked! Both of them were asleep -or, well, she was asleep and he was shut down, Elliott guessed. Did the robot sleep at all? They were laying all cuddled up to each other on one of the many plush seating areas with a blanket wrapped loosely around them. Gia's entire upper half was exposed to the warm air of the ship, but her dignity was covered just enough by the fact that she had her chest pressed up against Revenant's. The simulacrum kept a metal arm laying over her as they both slept, almost as if he was protecting her. She stirred lightly in her sleep and he responded by pulling her closer. Yet neither one of them woke up.

Elliott wasn't sure if he could scream, cry, runaway, or do all three. He wasn't gonna lie, his heart broke knowing that she would choose a robot over him. Even if his flirts were nothing more than a game, the fact that he was beat by a fucking robot of all things stung. Why didn't she say anything? Probably because no one would have believed her. I mean, Revenant of all people? That thing hated everyone and everything. And he's been known to threaten her on occasion. Was it all part of a rouse to keep people from guessing? Did the simulacrum have some sort of reputation to uphold? Or was this some sort of spontaneous thing? Either way, Elliott had a hard time picking his jaw up off the floor.

He managed to sneak out of the ship without waking either one of them and he exited the hangar. What was he supposed to tell the others? He didn't even know how to comprehend it himself! But he had to say something. Everyone else was still out looking for her. He managed to message everyone else but his words were short. "I found her. She's alright. Everyone stop worrying." he told them. Any responses he got back from them were ignored as he tried to calm his racing mind while he made his way back to his place.

This has been one hell of a night.

Elliott called an emergency meeting with the others the next afternoon once everyone was able to catch some well-needed sleep. Both Gia and Revenant had reappeared some time in the early morning, though no one was able to catch them together. Her usual chipper mood didn't do anything to quell Elliot's confused thoughts and he had half a mind to just probe her for answers to the questions he wasn't sure he wanted to even ask. What was he supposed to ask her? "How long have you been fucking Revenant? Were you ever gonna tell us or were you trying to toy with us? Does he even have a dick?" He wasn't hurt by the fact that she was seeing someone. Elliott knew she wasn't interested in any of the six of them. She made it very clear her no actually meant no. But Revenant?!

"What's so important you needed to gather all of us?" Crypto had asked. Elliott was tongue-tied. He just had to rip it off like a band-aid, right? That's what they all say, right?

"We need to call the competition off. Leave Gia alone." he managed to say.

"What? Why?" Wraith questioned with genuine confusion.

"She's seeing someone."

"How do you know?" Silva asked.

"I found them together last night."

"Are you sure?" Bloodhound asked and Elliott nodded.

"Very sure."

"Who is it? Another Legend?" Loba wondered. All eyes were on Elliott, waiting for him to spill the beans. Who could've possibly stolen Gia's heart? No one ever saw anyone else fawning over her and no one ever saw her eyes lingering for too long on a certain someone. She treated everyone the same. Perhaps it wasn't another Legend. Did she have a lover that came to surprise her at the party? Did a husband or wife come to cheer her on in the new events?

"It's... It's Revenant, okay!" he spat out and quite literally everyone else had gasped in surprise.

"Are you trying to make some sort of sick joke? Because if you are, I will throttle you!" Loba threatened.

"I'm serious! I found them together last night and she was very clearly naked in his arms."

"I don't believe it!" cried Wraith. There is no way someone as sweet as Gia would ever find companionship in someone like Revenant. It just couldn't be possible.

"Believe what you want but I'm backing out of this dumb competition! I don't want Revenant to snap my neck!" shouted Elliott and he threw his hands up in defeat. With a heavy sigh, he dropped his head to the table in a loud thump. A look of understanding passed from Legend to Legend. Everyone knew Revenant's behavior. He was cold and he was unforgiving. If what Elliott claimed was true, then there's no telling what the simulacrum would do to them if he found out they were all trying to get into her pants.

"What do we say to Gia? She'll know something's up." Silva asked aloud to the group.

"You don't have to say anything." that god damn voice said, making everyone jump in their seat and whip their heads around to peer at Gia timidly idling in the doorway. Her white eyes were glossed over in pity, and that hurt all the more.

"Were you standing there the whole time?" Elliott asked her.

"I heard shouting. I came at the part where you said you found us together last night."

"Oh." was all he said back.

"Listen, guys," she started, moving into the room and closer to them. "I know how much fun you guys were having with this competition thing going on between all of you. And I'm sorry this was how you found out about me and Revenant."

"Have you been seeing him this whole time?" Loba almost seethed.

"Yes." she flat out said. No beating around the bush. "I promise I'm not dating him to spite you, Loba. I started dating him long before I even knew of your history with him. I didn't do this to hurt you. And I'm sorry if it does hurt you." she apologized.

"No one's hurt that you're seeing him." claimed Silva.

"Speak for yourself!" Loba interrupted.

"We're just confused is all, chica."

"Loba, truly I'm very sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry to all of you. I'm sorry if I ever lead any of you on, but I honestly thought I had made it very clear that this was just a game."

"You did. We heard you loud and clear, hermosa. We were just trying to have a little fun with you."

"I know. And I'm sorry if this put a stop to your competition. Believe me when I say I enjoyed the attention. I truly did not intend for any of you to get hurt or upset. If it's Revenant you're hesitant of, I can give you my absolute word he will not harm any of you."

"I guess I just want to know how it happened." said Wraith. Gia attempted a jovial smile in her direction.

"There's so much to me you guys don't even know. So much that even Revenant doesn't know. I know it may seem strange but I promise you that he and I are not very different."

"Does he even.... um.. have a... you know?" Elliott then hesitantly questioned much to everyone else's embarrassment. They all shouted at him in distaste. "Oh come on! I know I'm not the only one who's curious!" he defended himself. Gia took in a deep, shuttering breath.

"Well... um... yes, he does."

"That's just weird. That is so weird." shuttered Silva. "Dios mío, eso es asqueroso. Can we please talk about something else?" he mumbled into his palms.

"Look, to make a long story short, all I can say is I'm sorry. From the absolute bottom of my heart, I am sorry. Regardless of where we all go from here, I just want you to know that you've all made me feel pretty, you've made me feel important, and you've made me feel loved. And I can't ever thank you enough for that. I just hope you all understand that I truly do love you too. Even if it's not the same way that you love me. I truly do love you."

"As long as you're happy." Crypto replied to her. As sad as he was to say it, he meant it for her.

"I am. I really am."

"I guess that's the end of that. It's been a good game, guys." Elliott directed towards the other five. "We're just not what you're looking for, I guess."

"But you're what someone is looking for." she consoled. "Elliot, you are the most handsome man I have ever met in my entire life." Gia confessed to him. To solidify her statement, she pressed a warm kiss to his cheek. Then she turned to the green-haired man beside him. "Silva, my life would be so incredibly boring without you in it." and she pressed a kiss to his cheek as well. "Loba, next time you see me in the arena, I want you to just step on me with those boots." she giggled and kissed her cheek as well. Despite Loba's best efforts, she cracked a real smile. "Bloodhound, you're an incredibly skilled hunter and I wish I could match up to you." Gia tentatively lifted her hands towards his face, waiting to see if he'd stop her from removing his face mask. He didn't. So she lifted the material from his face and pressed a kiss to his cheek as well before putting it back in place. "Crypto, don't ever let anyone underestimate you." a kiss to his cheek. "And of course, Wraith. I meant what I said before; you have a beautiful smile. Show it off some more." a kiss to her cheek. "I love you guys. And I hope you don't think any less of me."

"Of course not." said Bloodhound which made Gia's heart flutter with glee. She bid a final farewell to all of them before making her departure, still unsure if they have forgiven her for her secrets. The room fell quiet for several moments as they all processed what just happened. In the blink of an eye, everything just crumbled. No one was angry. They all still loved Gia. But now things were a little different. The competition was officially off the table now and the six Legends were unsure of where to go from here.

"She totally loves me more." Silva cracked the silence.

"Are you kidding? She kissed me first!"

"She kissed me longer." claimed Bloodhound. And then a full blown argument started between all of them over who Gia had more affection for.

Everything sort of calmed down after Gia had finally come clean. The six Legends that had been following her for months had backed off and everyone took notice of it. Che asked Gia what had happened between all of them and Gia had confessed that she had been seeing someone behind everyone's back. Though she didn't name names. Che wanted details of course but didn't press when Gia refused to give them. Even Pathfinder could sense that there was some tension in the room but, bless his heart, he had no idea how to make everyone feel better. He tried though. "Everything will be okay, friend." he told her and then gave her one of his famous high fives.

It's not like Gia didn't try to mend things with them. She still tried to talk to them but conversations became awkward because no one knew what to say anymore. All the flirting stopped and everyone was too scared to sit too close to her in fear of Revenant's wrath. But she did try. It's just that her efforts went nowhere.

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, Gia and Revenant were seen together out in public for the very first time. They officially outed themselves as a couple. Everyone was just minding their own business when Gia had appeared, dragging Revenant behind her with her hand interlaced in his. She pulled him into everyone's view and everyone turned to stare at them with wide eyes. She paid them no mind, but Revenant glared at anyone he connected eyes with. She pulled him down to sit with her and he did without complaint. She cuddled into his side and he tossed an arm across her shoulders, allowing her to get as close as possible. Everyone was watching, but it was Elliott, Silva, Loba, Crypto, Bloodhound, and Wraith that seemed to be the most in shock. What had finally changed her mind about keeping their relationship quiet, they didn't know. Everyone was just as confused as they were and those who were aware of the six's admiration for Gia all turned towards them in either pity or curiosity. Yet no one said a word. It felt like all eyes were burning into them. But thank god they all turned away at some point.

Gia proceeded to show Revenant something on her device and they both watched intently. He even scooted her into his lap so he could place his chin on her shoulder and watch. His arms wrapped around her midsection protectively and she cracked a smile. She looked so tiny in his lap.

"I can't watch this." Loba said and stormed off. She still hadn't come to terms with the fact that the woman she desired was in love with the demon she wanted to murder.

"Does anyone else feel nauseous or is it just me?" Wraith asked, turning away from the loving couple.

"No, I feel it too." Elliott confessed.

"Aye."

"It may hurt now, but she is a grown woman who has made her decision and we must respect that. We'll get over it eventually." Bloodhound told the group.

"Just because we respect it doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt, compadre." retorted Silva.

"You think they'll stay together?" Crypto then asked and everyone looked back to Gia still cuddled in Revenant's metallic lap. Elliott watched carefully as every twitch of Revenant's fingers only seemed to hold her closer to his chest. His touched appeared to be gentle and Gia had made herself comfortable in his embrace. She smiled at her device and carefully ran her fingertips along the build of his arms. He must've made some sort of noise because she nudged her cheek against his metal face plating. When he turned to look at her, she looked back and pressed her forehead to his. They both closed their eyes and Elliott assumed that was their version of a kiss considering he didn't have any lips -or even a moveable jaw for that matter. And Elliott could tell that she was genuinely happy.

"Yeah. I think so."

[sophielovesbooks]

Sophie’s Queer YA Rec List

Hi everyone! :) I’m back with another list of book recommendations! Yes, two of the books on here cross-feature on my Dark Academia Rec List, but here, the focus is different.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy my YA LGBTQ+ Rec List!

Her Royal Highness (Rachel Hawkins)

Listen, we’re starting off strong, because this one is an absolute GEM. American girl goes abroad to a fancy boarding school in Scotland. Also, she’s bi, her roommate is the princess of Scotland and the cutest haters-to-lovers situation ensues!! Read if you like fluffier reads, if you’ve ever been on a year abroad, if you’ve ever wanted to go on a year abroad, if you love Scotland or if you’re a girl who likes pretty girls! <3 (Note: This is the sequel to “Royals”, but I didn’t read that one either and you 100% don’t need to in order to understand this one.)

As I Descended (Robin Talley)

Okay, now this one is a lot darker. It’s a queer Macbeth retelling, which is a pretty amazing concept in itself. Also set at a fancy boarding school, but in Virginia. The main girls are a closeted power couple who more or less succumb to the darkness in their strive for even more power. This book is super diverse with Hispanic characters, wlw, mlm and one of the main two girls being disabled (though some people have criticised the way she was written). Read if you want a spooky story, if you love boarding school settings or if you love Shakespeare retellings!

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe (Benjamin Alire Sáenz)

This book is a classic of the queer coming-of-age genre, and it reads like one, too! The style is fairly simple, which may take some getting used to, but the author nailed the narrator’s voice, the story is meaningful, the characters feel complex and real and Ari’s fight to accept himself for who he is will break your heart! Set in the 1980s in El Paso, Texas. The two main boys are both Mexican American. And for reasons I can’t exactly put my finger on, this read like a modern-day Catcher in the Rye! Read this book if you want boys fighting to accept the fact that they love boys and complex family dynamics!

If I Was Your Girl (Meredith Russo)

Can ONLY recommend this one! The main character is a trans girl who goes to live with her dad after a traumatic event. At her new school, all she wants is to blend in, but she ends up suddenly popular for the first time in her life and dating a cute boy! This book was definitely fluffy at times, but still dealt with the darker aspects of being trans in this world (trigger warning for depression, dysphoria, a suicide attempt!) Read if, like me, you’re a cis person looking to get a better idea of what it’s like to be trans or if you’re trans and want to see yourself represented! The author is a trans woman herself and the book ends with a really emotional and thoughtful author’s note (that, yes, made me cry).

You Know Me Well (David Levithan & Nina LaCour)

Out of the books on this list, this one focuses the most on LGBTQ+ themes. It’s literally set in San Francisco during Pride Week, and it’s about a gay girl who is madly in love with another girl, but self-sabotages at every turn, and a gay boy, who is madly in love with his best friend, who fools around with him occasionally but doesn’t love him back. One thing that bothered me a bit was the insta-friendship between the two main characters, but I’m here for the gay-lesbian solidarity, and I thought the wlw romance was so cute! Read for a slightly fluffier dual-perspective book with strong LBGTQ+ and coming-of-age themes and a central friendship!

We Are Okay (Nina LaCour)

Oh God, this one. Read only if you are ready to be emotionally destroyed! The main character grew up with her grandfather, and after losing him, too, she feels completely alone. Set during Christmas break of her first semester of college, which she spends on campus in New York. Alone! Until her friend/lover comes to visit and emotionally reconnect with her. Hauntingly and lyrically written, this book is an absolute beauty that had me in literal tears and made my heart hurt. Can only recommend!

People Like Us (Dana Meele)

This one cross-features on my Dark Academia rec list, because it’s set at yet another elite boarding school (yes, this is my thing) and begins with a murder. The wlw themes in this came as a very pleasant surprise! Read if you’re looking for more of a mystery thriller that still includes wlw, but not as the main focus. Personally, I had certain issues with the plot, but the book was still a very engaging, quick and fun read!

Radio Silence (Alice Oseman)

ONE OF MY FAVOURITE BOOKS OF ALL TIME! The main character is Frances, a biracial, bisexual girl whose main goal in life is getting into Cambridge. Her friends see her as nothing but a study machine, but secretly, Frances is the biggest fangirl and draws fanart for a podcast called “Universe City”. The book is all about her close friendship with Aled, who turns out to be the podcast’s creator, academic pressure and figuring out what actually matters to you in life. I connected strongly with the themes of working so hard toward certain goals and not being seen by your friends for who you really are. Read if you want the most adorable platonic friendship EVER (between a bi girl and a demisexual guy), internet culture being represented accurately, wlw and mlm and an incredibly relatable main character!

Autoboyography (Christina Lauren)

Tanner is bi and was happy and out when his family still lived in California, but is forced back into the closet, basically for safety, when his family moved to Provo, Utah, where there are more Mormons than non-Mormons. His best friend Autumn convinces him to sign up for a very special class with her in their final year of high school, where the idea is that every student writes a novel. This is where Tanner meets Sebastian and falls head-over-heels! The problem? Sebastian is Mormon and not allowed to be with another boy. Even worse? He’s the bishop’s son! Read this one for two adorable boys actually going through something incredibly hard together and breaking your heart in the process! What I loved about this was that religion was shown in its full complexity, the good and the bad, and Sebastian’s struggle was so realistic! Also, this love story was much more high stakes than the usual “I’m sure he doesn’t like me back!” non-issue and it really drew me in!

I Was Born For This (Alice Oseman)

Another Oseman book!! (Spoiler alert: It’s also very good!) Told in dual perspective. The first one is Fereshteh, who tends to go by the English translation of her name: Angel. The biggest source of joy in her life is the popular boy band “The Ark”, and she plans to go to London to finally meet her best online friend in person, then go to an Ark concert together with her. The second perspective is Jimmy, a trans boy and one of the three members of the band. Things definitely don’t go as planned that week in London, Angel and Jimmy actually meet, chaos ensues. Read this if you’re looking for a fandom-based story that just gets internet culture and also has a very diverse set of characters! But be prepared for this to actually become very dark and intensely emotional at times! (The characters, especially Jimmy, were struggling more mental-health-wise than I had expected, and it wasn’t always easy to read, so be safe, everybody!)

These are the ones I’ve read so far, but don’t worry, I’ll update this list soon with many more! Already on my TBR (and in some cases even already on my shelves!) are These Witches Don’t Burn, Let’s Talk About Love (asexual main character!!), Tash Hearts Tolstoy (another asexual main character!) and I Wish You All the Best (non-binary rep!!!)

[yegarts]

Project Feature: Solidarity Film Camp

2020 Solidarity Film Camp participants. Photo by Nanc Price Photography. 

Writer, director, producer, and editor Andrea Beça is passionate about changing the world through film. With a B.A. in English Literature and Creative Writing from the University of Alberta, and a M.Litt in Playwriting and Dramaturgy from the University of Glasgow, Andrea operates abeça productions and is constantly working to break down barriers and make the film industry a more inclusive space.  

In 2019, Andrea’s project, Solidarity Film Camp (SFC), received funding through a Cultural Diversity in the Arts project grant. Created and produced by Andrea, SFC is a multi-weekend film camp that aims to educate, empower, and inspire marginalized youth in Edmonton to share their stories. SFC is grounded in the belief that it is crucial to empower those who are often voiceless to speak up, to move towards a goal of equality and diverse representation in film and TV. In this context, “marginalized youth” refers to female, trans, non-binary, BIPOC, and LGBTQIA2S+ identifying youth, as well as disabled youth, between the ages of 14-24.

We caught up with Andrea to learn more about her experiences of working on this iteration of Solidarity Film Camp, and where she hopes the project and the industry will go in the future.  

Solidarity Film Camp participants. Photo by Nanc Price Photography.

Q: What motivated you to start this project and focus on working with marginalized youth?  

A: I have been in leadership roles in theatre and film for the last 15 years, and as a fat queer woman, I have always experienced major pushback. Unfortunately, these industries are most highly populated – and often gate kept – by cishet white men, and that lack of diversity and representation creates so many barriers to entry for anyone who doesn’t fit into that same demographic. As a result of years of facing blatant sexism (among other things), I decided to use the privileges I do have as a white woman to open as many doors as I can for others, and work actively to improve representation in the film industry starting right here in Edmonton. I’ve always focused the stories I tell on creating social change and on hiring as many women, IBPOC folks, queer folks, and disabled folks as I can, but I wanted to go further than just what I can do myself by empowering others with the skills and confidence to tell their own stories, too. We need under-represented voices telling stories in film and TV and all other media.

Q: What was one of your biggest learnings/takeaways from this project?  

A: I learned so much, it’s difficult to pick just one. January 2020 was the first iteration of Solidarity Film Camp. It was very much a grassroots project, created by just me. While it was amazing and I am incredibly proud of it, I am also very aware of the limitations of the camp being created and run by just me, as a cis white woman. The conversations I had throughout the camp with the participants, who represented so many different intersections, were priceless, and I learned so much about how to make future iterations of the camp even more inclusive, even more diverse, and even more accessible. That’s what I’ve been processing and working on as I start to envision and dream of future years.

Photos by Nanc Price Photography. 

Q: What was the best part of the camp for you?  

A: Watching the participants beam with excitement and confidence as their projects started to come together is a feeling I don’t know if I can even put words to. Watching them listen to actors rehearse lines they wrote and being able to feel the energy in the room was unreal. What they accomplished in two weekends was no small feat. The fact that they all showed up for one another, focused, and worked long days for one another – it still makes me tear up just writing about it! And now I get to see them on social media, staying in touch, collaborating and supporting one another. It’s just beautiful.

Q: What are changes within the film industry that you think would make it more accessible for marginalized youth?  

A: There are a lot of changes that need to happen in the film industry to make it accessible for anyone who isn’t a cishet white male. This isn’t just about youth! The fact that in Canada, only 27% of TV directors are women – with 5% of those being women of colour and a staggering 0% being Indigenous women – is just one small piece of a giant, disturbing picture of representation both on and off screen. The quickest way to start making change is simple: start funding women, IBPOC folks, LGBTQIA2S+ folks, and disabled folks to tell their own stories.

Q: Do you think you’ll do the camp again? If yes, what are your dreams and aspirations for future of Solidarity Film Camp?  

A: Yes, I sure hope so! Right now, with the pandemic changing everything, it’s hard to say when the next Solidarity Film Camp will happen, but it will happen at some point. My dreams are to make it much bigger, to have a whole team of folks from all intersections developing the camp curriculum, to have an even more diverse group of workshop leaders, and so on. I want the camp to feel like home to all intersections of people who are completely left out of the film & TV industry. It's my dream that we can all learn, feel confident, and work together to change the world.

To celebrate the Cultural Diversity in the Arts project grant recipients, Cineflair produced short videos profiling the recipients and their projects. You can watch Andrea’s video here, and watch more recipient videos on the Edmonton Arts Council’s YouTube page. 

[butyouvealwaysbeenthecaretaker]

I used to be less gatekeepery about this, when I was young and full of hope. All these beautiful options, one big community. Now I'm an old, it's become really apparent to me like which of my community friends are doing well for themselves in life, and which ones are in serious trouble. And yeah, it really comes down on identity lines, as well as other intersections which like shield people from the worst. A lot of "theoretically bisexual but its private and I'd only ever date people of the opposite sex" and relationship anarchists and kinksters and non-gay asexuals getting on with their lives, in nice jobs in the city I left behind me, occasionally identifying themselves as queer when they want to win an argument about voting for milquetoast liberals.It's not like these people aren't facing challenges and marginalisation and psychodrama which is personally meaningful and important. But the other half of my Facebook is like, trans women sex workers posting repeated begging for money posts, and disabled non binary trauma survivors posting about how they are honouring their vulnerability today, and de/retransitioned people endlessly negotiating their gender feels between updates about their unstable housing situation & living on sofas, and so on.

& I preferred the earlier version of myself by far, because it was nice, the jewel-hoard beauty of a bucket of pride pins, each flag a dazzle of joy and recognition, and the promise of solidarity and sharing. And it was a lovely time. Queer, in the true sense of the word, transcending bodies and genders and experiences.

But it all goes with a growning awareness that we are not all in it together. And though it works on paper, there's these fault lines around urgency and access and experience. The split between people doing ok in nice jobs, and people who are too chewed up to succeed at it. The split between people voting for radical left wing, vs liberal moderate parties. The number of holiday photos. The amount of over sharing. How some people seem to just accumulate more and more marginalisation, now health, now housing, now work.

So it goes from a two way process, where I feel identified with you and you with me. To a one way process, where people are identifying with my queerness, but I cannot see anything about myself in them.

It's not exactly envy or resentment or a hatred or wish for people to suffer more or to cut them off from needed resources. They're just not relatable, and alienating, because it's a reminder of how far I've fallen and how impossible it is to get back. I look at my closeted exes, with their nice jobs and homes, and their moderate but manageable mental health, and their family photos at Christmas.

[averygim]

hello all. you can call me cal or jeepers, which is my discord name and i think is funny tbh, but i mostly go by cal. my pronouns are they/them and ‘m in the est timezone. i’m a bit late to the game but i’m still v excited to introduce my child avery to ya’ll. below is a whole mass of text that’ll help you get to know this mess of a child. uwu it’s easiest to reach me on discord at jeepers creepers #5103, but i also try and respond as quick as i can to tumblr ims so it’s really whatever you prefer !!

basics

name: avery gim job: baker at peau d’amour age: twenty-five gender: cismale pronouns: he/him sexuality: grey-asexual / panromantic birthday: february 6th zodiac: aquarius personality type:  advocate | infj pinterest board: HERE

aesthetic

the haunting sound of a piano in a memory you can’t quite reach

a warm summer night spent watching fireflies dance among the trees

a bite of a fresh peach that leaves your mouth sticky and sweet

theme song: the 7th sense by nct u

hatred that will not go away and dreams that torture me the clock laughs at me, it does not give a single error i’m a mess, I don’t even know myself, my future is colored darkly i’m struggling, coloring this night even blacker in the irregularity that’s hard to understand there’s a story that’s deeply hidden eyes are being opened through this song your dreams are being read it’s being awakened from a deep sleep my seventh sense

positive & negative

affable ( adj ) : friendly, good-natured, or easy to talk to.

languid ( adj ) : (of a person, manner, or gesture) displaying or having a disinclination for physical exertion or effort; slow and relaxed.

versatile ( adj ) : able to adapt or be adapted to many different functions or activities.

candid ( adj ) :  truthful and straightforward; frank.

then

it begins when he’s four years old - this obsession in him. his parents couldn’t have expected that sending their son to piano lessons we enact such a wild passion in their small, quiet boy. it was hard to pick out at first. often, they would pick their child up from his lesson to find his small chubby cheeks stained with tears. his parents assumed he was simply being stubborn about learning the instrument. they would see the kids dragged to the lessons bemoaning their distaste to it to their parents and would tell each other “our boy is simply quiet with his dislike for it. he has never been a talker.” and  would keep taking him week after week. the piano teacher couldn’t enlighten them to what was going through their child’s mind in terms of why he seemed to work himself up into such a state. she explained to them that he seemed attentive whenever she would teach him and it was only until he started to practice on his own that the tears would begin. neither parties could get a word out of the child though he often seemed to calm fairly quickly post lesson, spending the car ride home pressing his small fingers into his thighs as though there was an invisible piano etched into his skin. at one point, his parents seemed to give in a bit to their uncertainty of how their child was doing, offering to take him out of the lessons. the aggressive shake of the four years old’s head and high squeaky voice insisting “ no, no !! “ was quite the surprise. it wasn’t until a year later, when he began to find his voice that he admitted to his piano teacher that he just loved piano so much, he couldn’t stop himself from crying whenever he got to play. the teacher passed this along to the parents with much amusement and relief.

the passion the young boy had for the instrument didn’t falter over the years, even as his peers turned to other extracurriculars and sports rather than the piano. his parents opted to get him a keyboard to set up in his room on his seventh birthday, still wary about how long he would remain content with the lessons. they had never enjoyed the instrument with such conviction when they were forced to take lessons growing up. it was, at least, comforting to know that their quiet child still enjoyed spending time doing kid things, such as playing outside, playing pretend and colouring. he even showed an interest in baking, which he often did with his grandmother, much to the disbelief of his father. still, he was a good child and despite the wariness his father had of allowing him to indulge in his more feminine hobbies ( he was very much stuck in the throws of toxic masculinity ), his mother and grandparents supported him fully in whatever he wanted to do. so during the week, he would go to his piano lessons and play with the neighbourhood kids outside. then, on the weekends, he would spend time with his mother’s parents, often baking some sort of treat with his grandmother and listening to his grandfather tell tall tales of his own childhood.

as he got older, his skill in piano progressed more and more. between his lessons and the studious way he practiced, he ended up participating in a variation of different concerts. by the time he reached his early teens, he was playing with the adult orchestra with nine years of lessons and experience under his belt. it was an astounding thing- to hear him play. it was as if this lazy, beautiful human was gifted with talent from the gods, but he wasn’t. he worked for his ability. countless hours pressing fingers into plastic keys. perhaps that is why, for his sixteenth birthday, his grandparents and parents pulled together the money to buy him a grand piano. it was then, upon walking into the home to find the piano gracing the room that used to be the den of their house, that he discovered he hadn’t quite outgrown his habit of crying when overwhelmed with emotion.

between creating compositions, practicing, baking with his grandma, and the hell that was high school, he didn’t have much time for anything else. he didn’t mind. he was content with his work, both with the piano and at school. he had a tendency to overwork himself within the confines of his piano room and bedroom between the two. this led to him developing a bad reputation of being a lazy and privileged individual who got away with sleeping in class. his peers saw him as someone favoured by teachers, when in truth it was simply because he’d had multiple discussions previously with them about being awake in class. many of them had agreed to let it slide so long as his grades were maintained. it was a necessary thing to seek as if his parents found out they would no doubt put restrictions on how he was working. 

despite the peer isolation, which later led to a fair amount of social awkwardness on his part, he seemed to get along great with those he went up against in competitions. perhaps it was their shared love or enjoyment of the instrument. regardless, he created a group of friends outside of the school scene and, despite many of them being older than him, he was respected and treated much better than others his age treated him. 

the summer post high school graduation saw him doing something no one could have predicted ( aside from his grandfather who swears up and down that he saw this coming since he was seven years old ). he set out on a tour of major cities, performing alone on a stage with simply a piano, a mask, and a single spotlight. see, in the latter years of his teens, he really blew up thanks to the internet. he became known under a moniker the he’d used on his youtube channel, which he would post videos of his personal compositions and covers of songs on. it led to some artists and producers reaching out collaborate, which, in turn, increased his popularity.

( car accident tw ) life was good for five years. he got to do what he loved and loved what he did. of course, all good things must come to an end, even if that good thing felt like it is your entire life. at twenty three, the now grown quiet boy got into a car accident. a drunk driver hit the car his mother was driving with him in the passenger seat. his mother survived with a few bruised ribs and a broken arm while he came out of it with severe head trauma. head trauma that, out of all things, resulted in hearing loss. the cochlea and hearing nerves in his inner ears were damaged to the point that it sounded like a hush fell over the world. it was a difficult reality to swallow. 

( depression tw ) it was a loss like no other. he could no longer hear his piano. he could no longer get lost in the world his music created. depression hit him heavy and hard, dragging him under in a suffocating hold. seventeen years. he’d been playing piano for seventeen years and now that ability was severely disabled. he withdrew, cutting ties with almost all of his friends who were apart of the music world. his parents didn’t know what to do with their quiet child who seemed to become deathly silent after the accident. the whole family had signed up in solidarity to learn asl alongside him. the only ones who seemed to muster out any sort of reactions or responses from him were his grandparents who struggled to learn the new way of communicating. he tried hearing aids in addition, however, the damaged required a more intensive solution. cochlear implants. he refused despite the struggle he still faced with the hearing aids. his family tried to get him to go through with the surgery, however he was an adult and it was his decision to make. so he continued to allow himself to waste away in the distorted world around him. his father responded to his state with anger, while his mother grieved and worried over him from afar. his grandparents were around as much as they could be, reaching out with patient hands. it would take two years for him to reach back.

twenty-four and feeling stuck, exhausted, and just down right sick, the quiet boy finally inched out of the shell the accident had left him in. it starts with therapy, then medication, and ends with stepping into the kitchen with his grandmother again. his piano remained untouched, gathering dust in his home behind a locked door. no one brought it up, not yet, and instead slow steps were eventually taken. he spoke for the first time post asl and hearing aids to his mother. his voice raspy and barely there from disuse. he couldn’t hear himself, but his mother had burst into tears as his grandparents smiled at each other with watery eyes. it was progress. slow progress, but they were glad that he was finally taking steps forward. 

it was five months after his twenty-fourth birthday that he decided to undergo the cochlear implant surgery. he held no hope for what he’d be able to do with the upgrade. he didn’t allow himself to think of the abandoned piano or the possibility of getting back into music. no, instead, he simply kept his eyes forward as though the past no longer existed. instead, he spent his time baking with his grandmother, helping with the small business she’d started when he was in middle school. the surgery was a success, but the quiet man did not cry when he was finally able to hear with more clarity. there were no tears of overwhelming happiness, instead he’d simply smiled at his mother when she asked if he could hear her and said yes.

it took him six months to decide he needed to move. despite his family still living in the area he grew up in, he needed to get away. he wanted out of the city and eventually settled on moving to beauhart, a place suggested by one of the few friends he kept in touch with post-accident. the official transition happened three months ago where he moved out of the apartment he bought for himself at twenty and into his own home. it was a bit large for just himself and his mother worried that he would fall back into bad habits, but he loved the old styled place. it had a front porch and was painted a gentle yellow. the front was filled with a garden of flowers and bushes that wrapped around to the fence that encased the backyard. his father hated it, but his grandparents had approved when they first saw it, having travelled with his mother to help with the unpacking once everything had arrived. it held more warmth than his apartment had. perhaps it was because he was going to be living in it full time or the character / personality the house itself had. regardless, he felt settled for the first time in almost two years. no one mentioned the grand piano that had been placed in the third bedroom of the house.

three months post move found him working at the local bakery. the early mornings were tough, but the consistency was enjoyable for him. it helped, significantly, with his mental health. he promised his mother to call at least twice a week and his grandmother almost every other day to gossip. despite his awkwardness with social cues and languid nature, he managed to make connections with other residents. things seemed to be looking up, though there still remained that empty part of him and a door unopened.

extras

he is, for all intents and purposes, socially an idiot. he can’t pick up verbal cues up very well and often chooses to ignore them even if they are glaringly obvious. some kind find this incredibly annoying or be endeared by it. usually it’s the former, though avery has never minded. he has no desire to be liked by everyone and is more than happy to continue going by the beat of his own drum.

definitely often produces the wrong first impressions, especially with his looks. he takes care of himself, has been instilled with the habit, especially after how rough his twenty-third and fourth year was. so it’s not often he goes out looking like the drowned rat he enjoys being at home. it’s part of his routine that has helped him stay on track mentally.

definitely a momma’s boy, but would literally do anything for his grandparents. he is planning on having them visiting him as soon as he manages to get his guest room furnished and decorated. 

 if he wants to avoid something, he ignores it. it’s a terrible coping habit that manifests in small instances and larger situations. it’s very childish in many ways, but his therapist has yet to be able to break him out of it. 

is looking into adopting an animal, but is torn between what sort of animal. he has been looking at the humane society, but has yet been able to decide.

he is very indecisive about the smallest of things, but somehow manages to be able to make the bigger and more important decisions ??? 

has a very weird and varied taste in music.

 learned korean from his grandparents when he was younger but primarily speaks english or asl. 

often moves around his house without his hearing aids and keeps things quiet. a book nerd post accident. his favourite thing to do is spend the day on his porch swing reading.

he has been thinking of taking online business courses to learn more about running/owning his own business. he hasn’t mentioned it to anyone, not is planning to, but when he thinks about the future he’s wondering if owning his own bakery could be a possible option.

honestly a sleepy boy even though he has a perfectly reasonable sleep schedule ???

doesn’t know how to flirt. doesn’t even know how to hold a conversation with someone he has a crush on. is very awkward with them.

likes to try and make wacky things (baking wise) when bored then try and make you try it without any forewarning. 

is actually pretty good at making elaborate cakes and frosting designs. does cake commissions on the side for birthdays, in fact.

gets lost really easily. its been three months and he still sometimes forgets where to turn when driving home.

will steal your pet if you leave him alone with them ( not literally ).

is terrible at texting and is the type of person to call you to have a conversation. this is mostly because he’s too lazy to text.

enjoys memes and quotes them sarcastically, sometimes when it’s definitely not appropriate.

has a habit of staring without meaning too. this could either be off into space or actually at someone. he doesn’t necessarily mean to do it. at times it’s a case of dissociation and others it’s simply him having no common sense and/or is blatant day dreaming.

will not ride as a passenger in a car. he’s been able to drive again post implants but the trauma of the accident has caused him a real fear of being someone else’s passenger. 

sometimes, without him realizing it, he’ll mime playing the piano. the habit of pressing his fingers into invisible keys too engrained to erase. he attempts to avoid music a lot, especially classical. it’s somewhat impossible to do at work and outside of his home. at times, he gives in to his desire to try and hear it the way he used to and will blast the music until he can feel the base thrumming in his veins. it’s as detoxing as it is frustrating. as much as he can hear, it will never be like it used to be for him.

if you read all of this i applaud you. tell me your favourite colour, animal, and/or food and then we can plot C:<

[flying-elliska]

Have you ever got that feeling that being bisexual is like having a double life? Like you can enjoy straight things and culture but you can also enjoy from the LGBTQ+ community. Sometimes I feel like a double agent and I feel privileged in the community because there is the possibility of not being judged if I decide to date someone who has a different sexual orientation than me. I feel like I’ve been too brainwashed after reading how bisexuality is being “half straight half gay”

It’s like living in a gray zone where you feel like you have to play for either team, but you don’t identify with either of them. And I was reading some discurse in radical lesbian pages that say that we only bring trouble by bringing men into the LGBTQ+ community. It really got to me and now I question what is my position there. Sorry if I bother you with these questions, but you’re the one I’ve seen that can tackle these kind of issues sensibly.

Hey, don’t worry anon you’re not bothering me, thanks for trusting me with these sort of issues.

Bisexuality is its own sexuality and it is fully valid on its own and part of the LGBTQ community on its own, no matter who your long term partner is. You don’t have to pick a side. LGBTQ culture is yours, as much as you want it to be. Bi people have been there at its onset and still are - for instance, the woman who organized the first Pride march, Brenda Howard, was a bisexual rights activist ! Of course, there is a small but vocal minority of the community that derives their clout from wanting to exclude others (be it bi, trans, ace people…) who are not up to their purity standards. To me, this vision of community as a small set of resources to be hoarded and defended from those who are not oppressed/deserving enough is extremely damaging (and ultimately plays into the hands of conservative ppl who hate us all but love seeing us tear each other apart.) Honestly I would stay away from radical feminism shit if I were you, that stuff can be extremely toxic for bi women (and plays into super crappy essentialist visions of gender). You are not ‘bringing men into the LGBT+ community’ anyway (lol there are already plenty of men there ! trans men ! bi men ! gay men !) and even if your partner is a straight dude, I think as long as he knows how to be respectful, there is nothing wrong with that. You’re not straight, your relationship isn’t straight. The mentality of ‘us vs the rest of the world’ is often, I think, born out of trauma, and there is a lot of that to go around, but some people choose to take it out on other people instead of choosing healing. Also this idea that men are necessarily horrible dangerous people ‘polluting with their presence’ is just...bad on so many levels (women can be terrible too lmao). Having women centric spaces can be helpful and great for certain things, but the LGBTQ community should be more expansive than that. I mean - if you go that way, there are trans people with opposite sex partners too, should they not bring them to Pride either ? It’s a very slippery slope there, and it goes down to a garbage chute where we start overanalyzing each other and our sexual behaviors that starts to resemble a 19th century Puritan village which is...completely nuts, for real. 

 My perspective is that the more we grow as a community, the more people realize that they might not have been as straight as they think they are, the more powerful we are. You are not taking anything away from anyone or anything, you’re not polluting or invading. Your story and earnestness in love are an asset to the community. This diversity is what makes us strong and beautiful. Of course, we might be joined by people whose same sex attraction is rare, people who earlier in human history might have been closeted, even to themselves their whole lives. But this freer society is giving them the opportunity to be honest about the full extent of their capacity to love, and I think that’s beautiful. This need to draw lines can be so toxic for questioning people, too. Human sexuality is often a fuzzy, fluid, complicated thing, for a lot more people than we are willing to admit. 

Besides, axes of oppression don’t only work along sexuality lines. It’s much more complex than that. And even if yes, things might be easier for you in certain respects if you are in a ‘straight passing’ relationship, and it is important to recognize that ; if you have to dismiss your sexuality, if you’re not able to be open and are pressured into sweeping a whole part of your identity under the rug, if you’re not taken seriously and excluded from a community that is important to you, then that can cause a lot of damage and mental health issues. Being bisexual is a specific LGBTQ experience which comports challenges of its own ; the insecurity and pressure to ‘choose’ is part of the burden. Not having the exact same experiences as a lesbian doesn’t make you ‘less valid’. One sign of that is that bi people are a lot less likely to be out and a lot more likely to have mental health issues, and I very much think those two are linked. 

Anyway, if i have to give any advice - some parts of the LGBTQ community are shitty, esp those who play the ‘you must be this oppressed to ride’ game. But there are also some that can be wonderful. If you have the opportunity, it could be a really empowering experience to get in touch with your local, specifically bi community (it was for me), read bi focused books or stories of other people ; to help you grow your own sense of confidence in your own sexuality. My hope is that in the future, as bisexuality is represented more fully in the media and more bi people are open and further generations grow without those toxic ‘either/or’ mindsets, this damaging feeling of being double agents/having to pick a side will fade. And that we have a more distinct sense of bi pride/culture etc without being continually erased or seen as gay/straight by default. 

At the same time, of course…I think it’s very much part of the human experience to navigate between social environments where the microcultures and codes are different. You don’t behave similarly with your parents and your friends, I’m sure, or at school or a party, but neither of these things are dishonest ! So there is nothing wrong with behaving a little differently when you’re surrounded by queer friends and making references to a specific culture. You’re not dishonest and you’re not in hiding, it’s just a different part of you that is coming to the front. And you can bring your own bisexual self and experiences to LGBTQ spaces, as well, to make it richer and more diverse. If you can’t…that’s a bad sign. 

And finally…living in a ‘grey zone’, a more liminal space, can be a wonderful thing in itself ! It’s sort of amazing to be able to be attracted to people no matter what their gender is, don’t you think ? Or to be attracted to different genders in different ways ? I actually think it’s really fucking cool to be bisexual. Despite the stigma and the headache it is, often, I wouldn’t change it for the world. It can be such an exhilarating experience realizing you don’t have to reproduce heteronormative patterns in your life, that you can find similar things attractive across genders, or not at all… I just find it so interesting and so freeing. Especially since as women we are given such a narrow view of what we are supposed to find attractive and how to be attractive and how to do relationships. And to me being bi just helped blow that shit up sky wide. And it allows us to stand in solidarity with other minorities who are not always given their space in LGBTQ spaces. Honestly, the few bi spaces I’ve been in were so much more open, making efforts to be accomodating to people with disabilities issues, were so much more diverse in terms of gender/class/race/culture/body type etc…I’m not saying all bi spaces are inherently superior but I feel like bi people, at least those i’ve met, are often more prone to think about those questions and it’s been absolutely delightful. Because we understand what it’s like to stand at an intersection and not feel entirely part of something, and so we want to foster spaces where people can be themselves in all their myriad identities, and that this feeling of ‘being at a crossroads’ can be so rich and beautiful. 

 I hope you can find that same sense of pride and certainty in yourself. Of course, it’s not always going to be easy, and I understand these doubts. You are definitely not alone with them. I mean, we say we don’t have to choose, but we do have to make choices in where to look for partners, for instance. I hope you can listen to your desires without crowding them out with pressure from outside, and follow your heart where it leads you. 

[bunny-wan-kenobi]

Things I appreciate more about Endgame the second time watching it

Steve and Tony’s reconciliation really plays out over the course of three main conversations, the first one resentful and bitter, the second frustrated and distant, and the third accepting and forgiving. They choose to move forward and trust each other again, and that coming together happens organically and slowly enough that it feels earned.

At first I was shocked by Thor’s turn in the story and thought the movie treated him too much like a joke. But during the second watch, I actually didn’t mind what they did with his character (until the end I still don’t like his ending in this movie). Even though his weight gain is still framed humorously often, I do like that the narrative gives attention to the very real trauma he experienced and Chris clearly approaches the performance with those layers. He always seems on the precipice of tears, and you realize the humor is a shield for the pain he’s still feeling and that he truly hasn’t been able to process his sense of loss and failure well. I love that he gets to reconnect with his mom, I adore how compassionate the rest of the Avengers are towards him—like they get frustrated sure, but they’re also really understanding of the fact that he’s not in a good place right now. I love especially how gentle Bruce is with him, and it brings their dynamic in Ragnarok full circle. The ending still bothers me because it undoes a lot of his growth in Ragnarok, but I appreciate that Thor really had a significant character arc over two movies.

I love Natasha in this movie, her vulnerability, her desire to protect her family and make the world better—whatever it takes. She’s the last one to speak the last time all the Avengers are together, and she locks eyes with Steve a final time, and in hindsight that’s just so heartbreakingly beautiful like...

Natasha’s friendships in this movie. I adore her friendship with Steve and how their camaraderie and trust has deepened ever since Winter Soldier. They ground each other and understand each other, a parallel to how Nat and Clint, with all their history and the faith they put in each other, also get each other. There are some wonderful interactions between these characters that reflect the strength of those friendships. It also reinforces that Nat’s sacrifice was not in vain, nor was it fridging—it was for her family.

I love Scott Lang and his earnestness in which he approaches everyone and everything.

I love Nebula’s character arc and how it pays off in this beautiful solidarity with the other Gamora as they take down the man who abused both of them.

I love that Brody and Nebula bond over their disabilities and become friends.

I love Rocket taking getting his family back so seriously.

I love Tony as a dad with juice pops and swear words and “love you three thousand”

I love the freakin’ Hydra elevator scene and the SMIRK Steve walks off with—wow what a change from Avengers 1

I love Rocket and Hulk’s indie road trip to New Asgard

I love how soft and sweet Scott is with grown up Cassie

I love that Thor doesn’t magically lose the weight but gets to be badass at the end and knows he’s still worthy

I love that Tony gets to find healing in talking to his dad one more time

I love how Scott watches the birds outside and knows then that the snap worked.

I love how Clint grieves what he’s become but Nat makes a different call—just like what he did for her long ago.

I love that Cap fought with Mjolnr and Thor always knew he could.

I love the Big Three marching up to Thanos ready to fight till the end

I love that Steve hears Sam’s voice and just knows the armada is on the way

I love that the Infinity Gauntlet is passed from Clint, a member of the original Avenger team, to T’Challa, a new member, to Peter Parker, their youngest member

I love that Carol kicks Thanos’ ass but also isn’t the one to finish him because...

It’s Tony with the perfect bookend line who finishes it and is allowed to rest and I cried again in the theater

I love that we saw Nick Fury right in the back of Tony’s funeral, the very person who first told Tony about the Avengers initiative

I love that Sam and Steve have become like brothers and it’s Sam whom Steve entrusts his shield and legacy to

I love that one prominent theme is Steve learning to move on but on his terms. He gets to love. He gets to live. He gets to rest—at last.

I love the credits and how they serve as a perfect swan song for our original Avengers

I love that Tony making his Iron Man suit is the last sound we hear

[biandnotreadytotry]

The Beauty of Male Friendship in Andi Mack

First off, the production value in this season is absolutely incredible, and this episode is a great example of that.  Just needed to get that out there, bc wow the transition scenes and where they’ve gotten to film.  Quality.

Second off, aside from being incredible representation, having Cyrus be gay had some incredible implications for some real exploration of friendships in this show.  It’s been great seeing a truly platonic and absolutely beautiful friendship that is the GHC.  The complete removal of even a chance for romantic implications within the group(please don’t come at me Bandi shippers haha) has made for some great storylines and a beatiful look at GHC as a unit and as Andi-Cyrus and Buffy-Cyrus.  We need more platonic opposite gender friendships portrayed in media.

Conversely, it’s just as fascinating to watch his interactions with males.  To watch a gay character truly be a friend to another male without romantic implications(which at this point you can technically make an argument for both TJ and Jonah, but that’s a whole different can of worms, obviously).  I love slow-burn Tyrus and platonic-Jonah bc in some ways it demystifies this idea that I think some people have in their heads about LGBT people. Just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he’s attracted to all males ya’ know, and just because he’s gay doesn’t mean he can’t have deep and meaningful platonic male friendships.

And you know what else?  You know what I thought about near the tail end of this episode?  We rarely see three males interact in his show at one time. 

Terri has been incredible at absolutely dismantling toxic masculinity one vulnerable moment at a time—really this whole show—but especially this season.  She builds up these incredible male characters and have them not only face their insecurities, but show true vulnerability and it’s beautiful.  It broke my heart when Jonah said that he knew he was overreacting and should be over it, bc it was obvious even to Cyrus that it was obviously about something much deeper than a jersey number.  Emotions, even “minor” ones like that, they chip away at a person, and when something so “insignificant” plays that big a role in who you become as a person, that shouldn’t be ignored.

What struck me was that last scene with the three of them.  TJ’s willingness to admit his learning disability, the “you can trust him” Cyrus head nod, and Jonah finally starting to admit to the world that he’s imperfect.  TJ saying, “everyones got stuff they gotta deal with” so beautifully mirrored Cyrus’ coming out scene in a way, and I wonder if it was intentional.  I thought it was beautiful that the two were not only able to mend their rift, that TJ is officially accepted by the whole crew, but that they were able to really create something that may eventually help the two learn to accept their imperfections and grow because they now have each other. There’s another person that struggles with some sort of disability or impediment, and there’s power in solidarity.  Especially in males, where admitting weakness is supposedly admitting failure as a man this is a beautiful way to set that up.  (Not to mention, as dumb as the whole situation was it really sped up any TJ-Jonah friendship development, so I think it was necessary).  In any case, the platonic male friendships on this show are iconic.

On a Tyrus note,.how Jonah can’t tell Cyrus is infatuated with TJ is impressive.  For a second there I really believed he finally processed what was going on, right after Cyrus says “That’s just his face” (iconic, tbh), like he hesitated for a whole second there.  Plus, Cyrus interacting with Jonah in The Red Rooster, it’s awesome to see the two finally get some real development(I always felt like their interactions were never that deep in previous seasons, which is a shame) and Cyrus has grown so much since the first season.  He can bro-five(so many bro-fives this episode, my gosh) and while I think he still had some feelings for Jonah earlier in the season, their interaction felt so platonic here and it needed to be so in order for Cyrus to properly be there for Jonah in a way that served Jonah well.( No Jyrus hate really, I’m on board for whoever makes Cyrus happy, just an observation, and me speaking to the growth and Cyrus’ ability to get over it and still be a good friend).  

And then there’s TJ.  Intresting they brought up the gun thing again, but the whole him losing his friends over the gun situation; it’s so sad but I’m kind of glad they didn’t gloss over that.  It’s a great set up for TJ to get healthier friends so he can continue to grow as a person(plus joining the GHC+) not to mention TYRUS.  People have been complaining there wasn’t enough Tyrus in this episode, but watch the way Cyrus interacted with Jonah, Jonah and TJ interacted, and tell me there’s not something going on between TJ and Cyrus.  It’s more than just this beautiful implicit trust now between the three of them, TJ is is over here being soft in front of Jonah.  He can’t even hide the gay long enough to not stare at Cyrus literally every moment he can.  Can Jonah please be the person that picks up on first?

I agree that Cyrus couldn’t have come out to TJ and Jonah in that moment because it would have equated Cyrus’ gayness with mental disorders, but I at least wish Cyrus would have hesitated for a minute.  It would have been enough for us over-analysers to acknowedlge a deeply subtextual attempt on Cyrus’ part to also be vulnerable.  To be a part of this moment of true honesty, but he obviously wasn’t ready nor was it the time, and he has that right to not be ready.  Not to mention, in a way, like I said before it did kind of mirror Cyrus coming out to Buffy with the whole “you’re no different” and TJ’s “we all got our stuff” issues in this episode.  Lord knows, Cyrus’ stuff way back since Swingscene 1.0 was his gayness.  Am I going to deep into this overanalyzing, hard yeah, but it’s keeping me sane haha.

[lifeofresulullah]

The Life of The Prophet Muhammad: Exemplary Ethics of The Prophet: The Leader

THE OBLIGATORY MARCH

The army sets off against the tribe of Sons of Mustaliq. Victory is easily captured… However, something happens during the way back, which heralds a grave danger.

At a resting place, a dispute takes place out of a trivial cause between a Muslim from Medina and another who migrated from Mecca. Afterwards, the incident swells up fast and starts to turn into a clash between the Meccans and the Medinans. If no precaution is taken, solidarity and brotherhood among Muslims, which until then constituted the greatest pillars of their material power, is about to vanish.

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) intervenes and gives commands; the army starts to march. In fact, these are the hottest hours of the day which are always spent resting. That day a rapid march is carried on up to the evening and during the night. The next day at about noon, the permission to rest is finally given, but nobody in the army, which has been marching for nearly twenty four hours, has the power to continue yesterday’s fight. The whole army falls asleep in a faint-like state. In the meantime, Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) has made initiatives to eliminate the emerging danger and the most dangerous hours for the fight to grow have passed.

THE MAN WAS RIGHT

He borrows a certain amount of dates from one of his friends. When the time to pay back comes, as he does not have the means to pay himself, he asks a Muslim from Medina to pay off his debt for him. However, the dates the Muslim from Medina gives are lower in quality. The creditor does not consent. The Muslim from Medina gets angry and says:

         “Do you turn down the dates that Allah’s Messenger gives?”

The creditor humbly asks:                                                                              

         “If even Allah’s Messenger does not behave justly, from whom shall we expect justice?”

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is not informed about this situation. When notified, he gets sad and, with tear-filled eyes, says:

         “The man is right!..”

With his command, the dates are changed. 

VENDETTA

While giving a sermon in the mosque, a recently converted Muslim who was seeking a vendetta stood up. He interrupted the speech of the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH);

-“O apostle of Allah!” By pointing a group who was sitting in the mosque, he says, “Their ancestors killed a person from our family. Therefore, we demand killing someone from them in response” The prophet Muhammad (PBUH) answered calmly but in a decisive manner:

“Father’s revenge cannot be taken over the son” 

WHEN HE EXTENDS THE STICK

He is distributing the spoils of the war among his friends. He is pressured by the crowd. Someone leans on the Prophet with his weight. He wants to push away the man with the small stick in his hand and to ease the crowd around him. However, the stick accidentally scratches the side of the man’s mouth and it bleeds a little. When Prophet Muhammad sees this, he (PBUH) immediately stops distribution. He extends the stick to the man and asks him to do the same to him and to settle. He is serious. Everybody is in bewilderment. His friend hesitates a while but then pushes the stick away with his hand and says:

         “O Allah’s Messenger! I forgive you.” 

YOU HAVE NEVER TOLD A LIE

It was the first and most difficult years of his prophethood. Of the hundred doors he went in order to explain his religion, perhaps only one was opened. One day, he gathered his close relatives in the foot of a hill near Mecca. He was going to show his personality and previous life as a proof of the truthiness of His claim as a prophethood. He asked his relatives:

“If I say there is an army of enemy behind this hill and preparing for a raid, will you believe me without asking any proof?”

They said, “Yes” because up to now no one has witnessed any lie of you. We swear that you are “Al-Amin” (the Trustworthy)”.

During the rest of the conversation, perhaps the same people there refused his invitation to the Islam and his prophethood, but in fact they had approved him without being aware of it… 

THE SUN IN ONE OF MY HANDS, AND THE MOON IN THE OTHER…

The fear Quraysh’s notables have is growing more and more. In spite of all the precautions they have taken, the grouping around Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) is ever widening. They gather and decide to “try it the sweeter way”. They choose a deputy whom they believe will be influential on him. The deputy starts speaking to the Prophet (PBUH):

“O Muhammad, you hurt our gods, sowed seeds of dispute and enmity among us, destroyed our solidarity and unity, brought us all sorrow and suffering. If you want wealth, let us make you the richest person of our land. If you want strength, power, and leadership, let us make you our leader. If you want a beautiful woman, tell us, she will be yours. If you are ill and this claim of prophethood stems from that, let us find the best doctors and get you treated.”

With the confidence that a human being cannot possibly resist such offers, the deputy finishes his speech and waits for his answer. Now Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) has the word:

         “I do not want property. Neither do I have a wish for rulership. And I do not have any desire for anyone other than Khadijah (his wife). I am not ill. I am only a weak slave of Allah. It is He who sent me as a messenger to you. If you accept this, follow me. Otherwise, do not ever forget this: if you put the sun in one of my hands, and the moon in the other, I shall not turn back from this cause.” 

FIFTEEN DAYS LATER

One of his friends comes near him and begs. He is not pleased with that; he thinks that everyone should cater for themselves and not be a burden to others. Instead of giving something and sending him away, he asks:

         “Do you have something worth money in your house?”

“There is a sack I use as a sheet and bed and a cup I drink water from.”

“Go and bring them here.”

When the things are brought to the mosque, they are auctioned. They are sold for two silver coins. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) hands him the money and says: With one silver coin, buy food. And with the other, buy an axe and bring it to me.

His friend carries out what is said. When he comes with the axe, Prophet Muhammad is preparing a handle for the axe himself. He puts the axe on the handle and gives it to his friend. He says:

“Now go to the forest, cut wood and sell it. Let us meet fifteen days later.”

His friend comes back fifteen days later. He is beaming with happiness. He says:

         “O Allah’s Messenger! I saved up ten silver coins.”

And he shows the money. Now the Prophet is also smiling:

         “Buy some food and clothes with the money. Get what you need and do not forget that it is more honorable for someone to stand on his own feet than begging. Begging is only for the ill and the disabled.” 

WHEN YOU ARE LOST

A nomad Arab comes with the intention of becoming a Muslim, but his decision is not certain yet. In order to make it clear, he asks Prophet Muhammad (PBUH):

         “What are you calling people to?

         “To worship only Allah. It is He whom you call in trouble; He saves you. It is He whom you call in drought; He makes the ground green. It is He whom you call when you are lost in a desert; He causes you to find your way.”

The man’s all questions are answered because Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) explained the religion he is calling into in a way that the man would understand. 

IT SOMETIMES HAPPENS

One of his friends shares a big distress, which he cannot mention to anybody, with Prophet Muhammad (PBUH):

         “O Allah’s Messenger! My wife gave birth to a child; its skin is dark. But I am white.”

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) understands the problem. Tactfully, he handles the matter in another way. He asks a question without waiting for him to finish:

“Do you have camels?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Then, what are their colors?”

“Generally red.”

“Are there grey ones, too?”

“Yes, sometimes.”

“Where does this grey color come from?”

“Probably, they take after one of their ancestors.”

“The child your wife gave birth to maybe takes after one of its ancestors.”

His friend leaves with a satisfied conscience and a happy face. 

A SERVANT FOR FATIMA

His daughter, Fatima (May Allah be Pleased with er), is leading an extremely troubled marriage life. With the words of her husband, Ali (May Allah be Pleased with Him):

“We did not have a servant at home. Fatima carried out all the work herself. We were staying in a house consisting of only one room. In this room, Fatima would light the stove and try to cook. Many times, while blowing the fire, sparks would make holes in her clothes. Therefore, her clothes were full of holes. This was not the only thing she did. Among her chores were making bread, and carrying water needed in the house. Moreover, her hands were calloused because of turning the mill wheel and her back was calloused because of carrying water.”

Those days captives of war are brought to Medina. They are distributed among needy Muslims to help with the housework. Ali says to his wife:

         “Go and ask one for us from your father.”

Fatima does. However, her father’s, the Prophet’s, answer is negative:

         “My daughter, the needs of my poor friends who are sleeping in the mosque and are busy with learning come before yours. Sorry, but before providing for them, I cannot do anything for you.” 

EVEN IF SHE WERE MUHAMMAD'S DAUGHTER, FATIMA

Mecca had just been conquered. The daughter of the chief of the tribe Sons of Mahzum commits theft. The name of the thief is Fatima. She is brought to Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) to be punished. However, the political state of affairs of the time necessitates that the relations with the Sons of Mahzum should not be upset. Having evaluated the delicacy of the situation, some of his friends appoint someone as a mediator whom they think Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) cannot turn down. This is the son of the Prophet’s adopted child Zayd; namely, young Usama. In other words, his grandson in a way.

Usama says:

“O Allah’s Messenger! Will you forgave this woman for the sake of her father…”

         However, Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) experiences one of the angriest moments of his life. His answer is stern:

“What you are asking now is the reason why other peoples before you were eradicated. Among them, too, when someone respected and powerful committed a crime, s/he was forgiven; but when someone from the public did, s/he was punished. By God I swear, if the one who committed this crime were not the daughter of the chief of the tribe Sons of Mahzum, rather if she were the daughter of Allah’s Messenger, Fatima, I would decree the same punishment.”

He gives the command and the thief’s punishment is carried out. 

WHOEVER DECEIVES US

He is inspecting the market. He plunges his hand into the wheat sack on the counter of one of the shops. The grains on the surface are large, shiny, and of high quality whereas from the inside he takes out wet and lower quality grains. Frowning, he asks the shopkeeper for the reason and the shopkeeper says:

         “I cannot sell otherwise…” upon which the Prophet says:

         “Whoever deceives us is not one of us.”

He gives the command and the wet grains are brought up to the surface and they are sold that way. 

MY OWN PRECAUTION

On the plains of Badr, the first serious and decisive war of Islam is about to start. Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) has stationed his small army in war po

sition and waits for the enemy to start, which is three times larger than his army. In the meantime, one of his friends, Hubab son of Mundhir, who is regarded as an expert in war positions, comes to him and asks:

“O Allah’s Messenger! Did Allah command you to position the army this way?”

         “No, it is my own precaution.”

         “Then, O Allah’s Messenger, the army is positioned in the wrong way.”

And he explains the correct way of positioning in accordance with the discipline of military. Without showing a hint of contradiction and caprice, Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) follows his friend’s advice. The army’s position of war is changed. A couple of hours later Islam wins its first victory. 

Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) would pay attention to competence and worthiness in appointing authorities to different ranks in administration and he would appoint the deserving people even if they were young or not from noble families. In the rightful matters, he would want obedience to himself and to his authorities, but would state that in the matters contrary to justice and truth, the community did not have the responsibility to obey. Thus, seeing it necessary to obey the ruler within the realm of justice, he would not see the public as compelled to serve himself and would not regard himself above them. On the contrary, he was one of them.

[wroughtbetwixtfanfic]

Love, Blood, And Rhetoric, Ch 2.

Fandom: The Society.

Summary: Campbell’s just trying to survive in the new world. He knows he can make it– it’s everyone else he’s worried about.

Rating: Mature.

Tags: Canon Divergence, Mental Health Issues, Family Issues, Substance Abuse, Complicated Relationships, Consent Issues, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Homophobic Language, Hurt/Comfort, Minor Character Death, Mild Sexual Content, assuming Elle and Campbell are both 18 for the sake of things, Underage Drinking, PTSD, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, implied eating disorder, Fix-It, Campbell has mild ASPD, and is actively trying to not be awful

Word Count: 6971

Ch 1 || Ch 3 || Ch 4 || Ch 5 ||  AO3

Emily was buried in the morning.

They chose the church yard for  her final resting place. The grave was too shallow, and there was no casket. Just a bedsheet, white and clean, and some flowers laid across her body. No one spoke any memorable words. Helena said a sermon from the Bible, ironic for the fact that Emily had been Buddhist, and that was it. They buried her, people cried, and then they went home.

Over  the next few days, cards and handwritten letters showed up around Emily's grave. Campbell brought a few flowers from the front yard, and Harry brought one of his sister's teddy bears. It felt right to show some sort of solidarity. Soon, there were candles and other things left  behind, too. Campbell wondered if anyone would leave tokens at his grave, if he died. Not that he'd care, but it was a morbid little thought, nonetheless.

People hid in their houses, for the most part. Emily's death seemed to solidify what was happening. They weren't  home, they weren't going to be magically saved; that was something else  to be grieved. Harry coped by throwing parties. He never invited Campbell. Not anymore. Campbell knew it was because drugs were involved,  but whatever. Elle would come over in the morning for coffee, anyways.  She wouldn't talk much or stay long, but she'd give him a hug before  leaving. For just a little while, it'd soothe the strange pit in  Campbell's chest.

In the ten days that followed, Cassandra stopped by twice. Once to get some of Sam's things, once to take the food rations he'd stolen for Sam. They didn't speak. Cassandra was pissed. Whatever. He was used to people being fed up with him. At least  on day ten, Campbell got a text from Harry, inviting him to the gazebo.  Apparently, Lexie and some friends of hers were trying to channel God or  something.

They're talking to a stack of rocks, Harry said. You gotta see it.

Campbell  couldn't resist. He found Harry, and the two watched the bizarre spectacle unfolding on the green. Sure enough, Lexie and several others  had gathered up rocks, stacked them, and were sitting in a circle around  them while chanting. He almost felt bad for staring, but Cassandra,  Allie, Helena, and Gordie were in the gazebo and staring just as much.

After  twenty minutes or so, Harry gently prodded Campbell in the chest with  his phone. "Hey, there's a game of Fugitive tonight. It's gonna be the  biggest one yet. You in?"

"Yeah, sure," Campbell replied. He'd rather piss on an electric fence. "Whatever."

"Look,  I know I've been kind of a dick these last few days. But I miss my friend, you know. We've always been partners in crime, haven't we?"

Campbell  looked over at Harry. The poor fuck had dark circles under his eyes, and his hair was a mess. He hadn't been taking care of himself at all. It was enough that Campbell wanted to tell Harry to get a shower, and then they'd talk, but... Partners in crime. Campbell had long ago given  up on the idea of Harry ever desiring him, and now Campbell had Elle to  focus on, but when Harry batted those goddamn eyelashes of his and used  that tone? Impossible to resist.

"Yeah, yeah," Campbell murmured. "Forgiven."

Harry  leaned against him, just a little. It was almost enough to distract Campbell from the absurdity that was Lexie attempting to throat sing, but then several people began to shout and point upwards towards the sun. Campbell glanced up, just a bit. Enough to notice that something was happening. He turned the screen of his phone towards the sun. In the  reflection, he could see a dark circle oozing across the face of the  star.

"We asked for a sign!" Lexie yelled.

Her rock-stacking buddy, genius that he was, stared up directly at it. "What does it mean?"

Gordie  saved the day, luckily. "It doesn't mean anything. It's a fucking solar  eclipse. It's not a sign, it's a predictable astronomical event." His  tone turned pointed as he looked at the guy. "Just don't stare at it,  and we'll be fine."

Of course, some people kept staring at it.  Campbell waited until it went completely dark, and the air turned cold;  Harry let out a soft gasp, and Campbell looked up. Totality. It was  beautiful and eerie. The sky was dark, the moon was dark, and around it  was a halo of bright light. It stayed that way for a long, long minute  and a half, before the "diamond" appeared along the side of the moon. It  was ending. Campbell looked away, and soon daylight returned to the  world.

"Shit," Harry whispered.

Campbell nudged Harry.  "C'mon. Like Gordie said, man, it's nothing. Let's go get breakfast and  leave Lexie and the God Squad to freak out."

Harry nodded,  following as Campbell led them to the small coffee shop downtown. It was  easy enough to pick the lock and disable the alarm; Harry had worked  there the last few months, and could make one mean coffee. They found  some of the frozen sandwiches and heated them up, sitting down at the  little table near the window.

"Been a while since we just hung out," Harry said as he sipped his drink. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been keeping myself busy."

"I heard you kicked Sam out."

Campbell groaned. "Why does everyone keep bringing that up?"

"Cold move, dude."

"Yeah, well, it's a good thing we don't have to explain shit to each other if we don't feel like it, huh?"

"Whatever you say. I just think it's gotta suck being in that big house by yourself."

"Yeah?"  Campbell picked the sausage off his sandwich and tossed it onto Harry's  plate. He smiled, taking a bite and leaning forward. "Hey, how are  things going with Kelly these days?"

Harry lifted his hands in a  gesture of peace. "Point taken, okay? Damn." He let out a long, slow  sigh. "But if you actually care, I don't know. We haven't talked much. I  keep thinking maybe she's just pissed and will come around when she's  done being pissed."

"Good luck. Chick knows how to hold a grudge."

"Don't be rude. She's sweet."

Campbell  shrugged. He felt the familiar, possessive spark burn to life; he didn't want to talk about Kelly. She was smart, she was gracious. She was polite and elegant and the perfect sort of woman for a politician. Senator Bingham and his lovely wife. They really would have made a pretty picture. But did she know him? Did she see him as he was, and love him anyways? Of course not, but still, he chased after her.

The  bell above the door jingled. Speak of the devil, Campbell thought as Kelly walked in. Her eyes were cold when she noticed him, but she still  strode over. "Could I get a coffee?" she asked, turning her gaze to Harry. "If you're not busy."

Harry's spine immediately evaporated. "Oh, sure. Yeah."

"I  had to get going anyways," Campbell added. He stood and pushed between  them, heading to the door. Campbell paused at the door and flashed Harry  his brightest smile. "Lemme know when you find those balls you were  missing."

There was no point waiting for an answer. Campbell  headed out, wandering the streets and trying to figure out what to do.  He could break into the arcade, steal the quarters, and start a lucrative career in 8-bit gaming. Grizz and his crew were out on the football field. He probably could weasel his way in with them, especially since Grizz seemed almost friendly. Or maybe he could go convert the golf course outside of town into a community garden; Cassandra hadn't taken him up on that whole screw-grass-plant-food idea  yet. He just felt itchy, and he knew that meant trouble if he couldn't  find a productive outlet.

"Campbell?"

He stopped, pulled from his thoughts. Elle was behind him. She was in a nice black and white dress, hair gleaming and just a touch of make-up on. Campbell tilted his head. "Hey, Elle. Going somewhere?"

Elle pursed her lips. "I was thinking about it. Helena's speaking at the church."

"You're Christian?"

"I don't know what I am anymore."

"Would you like me to walk you? I was heading that way."

"Yeah?" That managed to get a small smile from her, anyways. "I'd like that."

Campbell held out his arm, and Elle took it. "Cute necklace. Ballet slippers?"

"Mhm. My mom got it for me when I had my first solo."

"A solo is kind of a big deal in ballet, isn't it?"

"It is."

"How old were you?"

Elle  blushed a little. "Oh, about seven or so. But then I got the part of the Sugarplum Fairy in my old school's production of The Nutcracker."

"That's impressive."

"Well, I'm no Lauren Cuthbertson, but I try."

"Who?"

By  the time they got to the church, Campbell had been well-schooled on London's Royal Ballet. Elle gave him a curious look when he stopped at the church steps. "You're not coming in?"

"Nah, I kinda get hives around the Bible. I'll wait for you here, okay?"

Elle  shook her head as she went inside. Campbell mulled around for a moment,  before noticing Kyle Jasko sitting on the sidewalk nearby. He was in a  wheelchair thanks to a bad accident when he was young, but he never  seemed too down about it before; now, he looked like he hadn't been  getting any sleep, either.

"Hey, Kyle," Campbell called out in greeting. Kyle's head snapped up. He didn't say anything back. "How's it going?"

Kyle eyed him for a moment. "Fine. What do you want?"

"Nothing. Waiting for someone?"

"Yeah. The guys in the Guard help me into the church, but I guess they're late."

Campbell  looked from Kyle to the church steps. That wasn't something he'd thought about before. They were basically in a half-hearted apocalypse situation. What was that like for people like Kyle? He knew for a fact that most of the stores had small doors, narrow aisles. A lot of places  only had stairs. Navigating the world was a pain in the ass as it was.  With wheels, it had to be even harder.

The church doors opened, and one teen wandered out. A few seconds later, Cassandra followed. For a  second, Campbell was surprised to see her; it had been a good five years since Cassandra had gone to anything resembling a sermon. Then again, people were doing all sorts of desperate things these days.

Cassandra  startled a bit when she saw him, but then kept walking, eyes far away.  Distracted. She didn't really look at him, but she slowed her walk so that he could keep up. "Hey. What are you doing here?"

"I walked Elle over." He peered over at her, trying to read her face. She had her  mask up, though, and even he couldn't figure that out. "Message not for  you?"

"Yeah, oddly enough I'm still not into church services. Not  a lot of people are buying what Helena's selling. They're starting to  lose hope."

"I think people are doing pretty well under the circumstances, don't you?"

"For  now, but we both know that won't last. Once reality settles in, I'm worried what they're going to start doing." Cassandra frowned. "People who are scared and alone can do terrible things."

"Well, at least we're not alone. You and I are some of the lucky ones. You've got Allie and I've got Sam."

"You had Sam."

Campbell  stopped, lightly grabbing Cassanda's arm. She looked at him, finally, and it was cutting. So, that was it. She was pissed off. "He told you what happened."

"Of course he did." She yanked her arm out of his grasp. "Campbell, how could you?"

"You  know I'm not going to be able to play by the rules you want everyone else to play by. If I get Sam out of there now, if people think I turned  on him, no one will question why I'm in a home by myself. Besides. I  care about Sam, but I can't take care of him. I can't give him what you  can."

"Fine, but I hope you realize you can't get through this all on your own."

"I've  got Harry. Elle, maybe." Campbell hesitated. Hard to tell where they stood, at this point, but he was willing to hedge his bets. "And I've got you."

Cassandra crossed her arms. She let out a little, irritated breath of air, but the look in her eyes had softened. "You do  have me."

"You're right, anyways. We can't go on like this. We have to figure some things out. Make some rules."

"You almost had me fooled, that night in the church."

"C'mon, as if I'd really hurt you. I did what I had to do. You know who's with you and against you, now."

"True  enough." Another kid left the church. Cassandra led them to the bench nearby; they sat back to back, like then did when they were younger, leaning against each other. "So, you're on board, then?"

"Idle hands are going to be a big problem eventually. The thing is, who's gonna decide the rules, you know? Who has all the power? That'll be interesting."

"You?"

"No," Campbell chuckled. "Fuck that. No, I'm just the idea guy."

"And what ideas do you have?"

"Lawns."

Cassandra's tone turned incredulous. "Lawns."

"We're  gonna need food sources. Lawns are useless wastes of space and water."  It was a rich people luxury that they couldn't afford. Not anymore. "Rip  them up. Get seed packets from the stores and start planting. Also,  Kyle really needs some ramps for his wheelchair. Just saying."

Bringing  out her phone, Cassandra tapped something out. "I'll talk to Grizz and  the others about it. It might be too late to plant anything, but Clark  and Jason were in wood shop. They must be able to use a hammer."

"Cool."  Campbell closed his eyes, soaking up the feeling of the sun on his skin  and breathing in the smell of flowers. Waiting. But she didn't say  anything else. She was waiting, too, and she was never the first to cave. "How is Sam?"

"Mm. He's hurting. He misses you, I think, but he'd never admit to it." Her tone turned dry. "It's something you two have in common, as it turns out."

"So, we both got the stubborn gene. What the hell am I supposed to do about any of this, long-term?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"Because you think it's a bad idea. You have that vibe."

"I do not."

"Do so."

Cassandra  shifted, sitting up and pulling away so she could turn to face him. "Fine. I think there are other ways we could keep you both safe. But if  you really are going to do it like this, just... Don't come around for a  while. I think you both need time to think things through."

Campbell  opened his mouth to argue, but then people started coming out of the church. "Looks like Helena's lecture is over. I better go get Elle."

"Of course. Thanks for the suggestions."

Nodding,  Campbell turned and headed towards the small crowd of people gathering  on the front steps of the church. His eyes found Elle. She was at the edge of the crowd, eyes down and face drawn. She looked lost. Sad. Still, as he approached, she looked up; her hair shone gold in the sunlight, and her blue-green eyes sparkled faintly. Absolutely gorgeous.  Campbell smiled at her and offered his hand. She took it, and they  began to make their way back towards Elle's home.

"Bleak service," Elle muttered. "Maybe the other kids are right. We're gonna die here."

"Maybe,  maybe not. Doesn't do much good to worry about it, though, right? Like  Cassandra said. We need to just focus on preparing for the long haul."

"How do you keep yourself from freaking out?"

"Lots  and lots of distractions. Speaking of which, Harry said there's a game  of Fugitive tonight. Wanna come? Might take your mind off things."

Elle cocked her head. "What's Fugitive?"

"Like  tag, with cars." Campbell grinned as she shot him a worried look. "No,  you don't run people over. Fugitives run on foot towards a safe zone, and cops hunt for them in cars. One cop drives and the other cop is the  runner. The runners chase down and tag fugitives. It's whatever, but it's something to do."

"Maybe. Sounds a little too intense for me."

"I'll text you the location, if you change your mind. We're starting at ten."

"Alright."

Campbell  sent her the information, but his phone buzzed with a new text a split  second after. Sam. He bit his lip at the preview. Can we talk? Maybe Cassandra had said something, but that seemed unlike her where Sam was concerned. Sure, Campbell finally texted back. Where are you?  A few moments later, and Sam sent a picture of himself posing with a pair of deer antlers. So, their dad's office. "Jesus christ."

"What's wrong?"

"Sam wants to see me. I should go."

"I thought you two were fighting?" Elle shrugged as Campbell glanced up at her. "Gossip travels fast."

"Figures. I bet the town is having a field day with it."

"That you're a homophobic dickbag that kicked out your deaf brother? Yep."

"I deserve that, I guess. It's just not the full story."

Elle  curled her arms around herself. She studied his face a moment, then gave a small nod. "Maybe you can tell me about the full story after Fugitive."

It was a chance to explain. Campbell reached out and touched her shoulder; she didn't pull away. "Thanks. You gonna be okay By yourself?"

"Oh, I've managed before. Good luck with Sam."

Hopefully  he wouldn't need much luck. It was a long walk to the office, which meant a lot of time to think about all the possible scenarios and ways things could play out. When he arrived, though, Sam was surrounded by boxes and up to his eyeballs in paper. Campbell flopped down in one of the office chairs. Sam jumped at the sudden movement, nearly dropping a  folder, and for a split second Campbell almost felt bad. Maybe it'd teach the kid to be more aware of his surroundings, anyways.

"You  rang, Sammy?" Campbell asked. Sam stared at him, shoulders hunched a little. He didn't answer. "Seriously. I'm not gonna bite. What are you doing here?"

Sam still didn't answer right away, but then he swallowed hard and let out a long sigh. "I'm trying to figure out why we're here. In this place."

"Any luck?"

"First one is a letter from some guy named Pfeiffer demanding $1.5 million for the smell  removal." Sam picked up two papers and handed them to Campbell. "The  other is a response, refusing to pay, signed by dad and Uncle Rogers.  It's dated the day before we were taken."

Campbell took the  papers and skimmed. It was actually worse than that; they had payed, but  then they'd cancelled the check. They had purposefully screwed the guy  over. "What do you think it means?"

"The smell, us being taken on the buses. It has to mean something. They have to be related some way. Maybe, I don't know."

Interesting,  and definitely suspicious; it reminded Campbell of something, though he  wasn't sure what. It didn't matter. Campbell focused on the inevitable  outcome if those letters were ever discovered. "You have to destroy  those papers."

"What? No."

"Fucking destroy them. Don't you get it? We're going to be blamed for this."

"What does that mean? We just want to know the truth."

"You're  a fucking dipshit if you think it's that simple." Campbell ignored the  way Sam straightened and clenched his fists. He just get the hell over  it. "You and I may hate each other, but we still share our father's last  name."

"So what?"

"You think things aren't gonna get bad around here? You think it's all just gonna be one big happy camping trip?"

"Is that why--"

"Look,"  Campbell interrupted. He knew what Sam was going to say, and there was  no way they were gonna have that conversation yet. "If we're stuck in this place, things are gonna get so bad so fucking fast. And you want to  tell people that our family had something to do with this?"

Sam  looked down at the papers, then handed them over. Campbell took them, ripping them into tiny pieces and tossing them into the metal trashcan by the office window. One little flick of a match, and the scraps were up in flames. There was a chance Sam had copies on his phone, but Campbell chose not to push it. Sam's phone needed his fingerprint to get  in, anyways. Whatever was there was probably safe from prying eyes.

"No one else knows," Sam signed. "Not even Cassandra."

"Good. Keep it that way, for now."

"What are we going to do?"

"Keep our heads down and play along until we can find a way home."

As  much as Campbell loved being away from their parents, away from the pointless day to day social rules, it wasn't sustainable unless they found some sort of civilization besides their own. Campbell met Sam's eyes, and pondered saying something. Even just an apology. But Sam was the protagonist of If You Give A Mouse A Cookie-- if Campbell apologized, Sam would want an explanation, and then he'd want to talk.

But then Sam seemed to give up, shuffling his foot on the hardwood floor. "Is that it?"

He'd take the out. "I need a car. Can I have dad's key?"

Sam  hated their dad's car. He took the key off the ring and handed it over,  a tiny hint of relief on his face. "What do you want the car for?"

"Game of Fugitive in an hour." Campbell fiddled with the key for a moment, thinking. "You wanna go? I could use a rider."

It was no surprise that Sam shook his head. "I need to keep looking."

Well,  whatever. Campbell headed towards the door. He stopped just outside of  it, looking over his shoulder; Sam was still watching him, a mournful expression on his face. It sucked, but it wasn't enough to make Campbell  budge. Campbell signed one last thing. Be careful. It was the best he could, or would, do.

The  faces at the Fugitive start point were a lot less somber. People were bouncing, laughing, chattering among small groups. There was one group hanging out near Harry, comprised of some of the people he'd known back  in their real home. He hung around the edges there while he waited for  Harry to show up; they were always Fugitive partners, and now that Kelly  was out of the picture, that sure wasn't going to change this time  around.

One face Campbell didn't see was the one he wanted to see most. Elle wasn't there, not yet. Maybe she wouldn't show, after all.

But  then Harry was hopping up onto the hood of a car, yelling at the growing crowd. "Okay, okay, we're gonna... Hello!" People settled, listening. Harry grinned. "I got some texts saying more folks are coming. We're gonna wait a few minutes before we divide up sides, see who else shows up, so just hang out."

"You look chipper," Campbell said as Harry jumped off the car and sauntered over. "Extra strong coffee?"

"What? I'm my normal self."

"Your normal self isn't chipper."

Harry  opened his mouth to reply, but Campbell slid his arms around Harry's waist before her could. "Woah, what the hell? Campbell, you can't just--"

Campbell's fingers closed around a small baggy in Harry's back pocket. He pulled it out and sighed. "Really? This stuff again?"

"Don't  be a hypocrite. You slipped me pills plenty of times. And besides, it's  not like there's an endless supply. Just one last little party before  it's gone."

"You know how I feel about you getting into the  harder shit." It was bullshit. The occasional painkiller or little bag  of weed wasn't the same as a cocaine addiction. "This is the last of it,  right?"

"Well... No. I have one more at home."

"Harry."

"Campbell."

Whatever  fight was about to start, it was cut short by the arrival of Allie. She  smiled at Harry, and Harry smiled back. Campbell stared. No. No, no  fucking way. "What's she doing here?"

"I invited the town. Besides, I asked her to come with me tonight."

Campbell  kept his mouth shut. Harry's eyes were locked on him, almost daring him  to say something. What was there to say? Harry hated being alone. Of  course he moved on to another hot body before his own got cold. "Don't  do anything stupid and get her hurt. I don't need to hear about it from  Cassandra."

"Yeah, okay," Harry answered. Campbell was viciously  pleased that the bounce had gone out of Harry's step, just a little. A  hollow victory. "Whatever."

Clark came zooming up in an actual  cop car, crowing about how the keys were still in the ignition. For some  reason, no one found that weird as fuck; Campbell refused to get near  the damn thing. They were stuck in some parallel world. A cursed car  didn't seem quite that far-fetched anymore. But Clark, of course,  claimed it for himself and picked someone else as his rider anyways.  Good thing about everyone thinking he was evil-- less people roped him  into their terrible ideas.

Harry had stomped off, dividing up the  crowd and explaining the rules. Campbell tuned him out and scanned the  players one last time. He didn't expect to see Elle, but he caught sight  of a small figure along the outskirts of the group, talking to Grizz.  She'd shown up after all. Campbell felt some spark of happiness, even if  it was dimmed by Harry's bullshit.

The starting horn let out a  shriek, and the fugitives took off. Elle froze, looking over at  Campbell; he grinned as one of the guys yelled at her to get moving, and  she bolted down the street with the others. The evening suddenly looked  a lot more fun.

"Nice car," Grizz said as he wandered over. "Need a partner?"

"Would have thought you'd be someone's rider, Mister Football."

"Pulled something playing with the guys. I can still drive just fine, though."

Campbell  considered the offer, then tossed Grizz the key. It'd be a chance to prod at Grizz about Elle. They climbed into the car to wait for the three minute head start to be over; he watched Grizz familiarize himself  with the car, wondering how to approach the situation. The three  minutes ended and they were out on the road when Campbell decided to  just go for the throat. Just a matter of finding the right opening...

"Hey Campbell, how many miles per gallon does this thing--"

"So, interested in anyone?"

Nailed it.

The  car jerked forward a bit as Grizz's foot slipped and hit the gas. Grizz  glanced over at Campbell for a split second, before focusing intently  on the road. "How do you mean that?"

"You know. Romantically. Sexually. Philosophically."

"Uh, that's kind of... Why do you ask?"

"I saw you chatting to Elle in the parking lot, so I just wondered."

Grizz visibly relaxed. "Oh, oh thank god."

"What?"

"What?"

Squinting, Campbell eyed Grizz but decided to let it go. "So, you're not interested in Elle?"

"Nope.  I don't really know much about her, besides the fact that her family's  from Ireland. Hey, I think I spotted someone down that way. Wanna go?"

The  shift in topic was obvious, but Campbell got the information he wanted.  Time to focus on the game. They peeled down the street, and Campbell  jumped out and raced after a fugitive who was trying to go through a  locked fence. Easy. They gave the fugitive a quick ride to the gazebo--  the 'jail' for the night-- and then headed back out. Five more captured  fugitives later, and they took a quick break.

Grizz sipped a water. "You're good at this."

"Eh,  I was super into maps and history when I was younger. I know pretty much every street here like the back of my hand. Useful for this, anyways."

"Yeah? Where'd the best hiding place be?"

"Hm. There's an alley back behind the old video rental store. There's some bushes and a few other buildings that kind of hide it from view. We could check it out."

"Affirmative."

When they pulled up, it looked like an alleyway from a horror movie. It was dark, and utterly  silent. Campbell opened the door and headed in, despite the fact that  Grizz looked like they were in the Upside Down and he was expecting the  Demigorgon to pop out. Sneaking down towards the back of the store,  Campbell paused when he heard a twig snap; he stopped, watching and  waiting.

A shape moved from the shadows and into a single beam  of light from the streets. It was just enough that Campbell could see a  bit of blonde hair, and the glint off a necklace chain. Campbell  couldn't believe his luck. Elle was right there, mere feet away, and she  hadn't seen or heard him yet. He held his breathe, waiting until her  back was to him. Finally, he moved, grabbing her shoulders.

Elle  yelped, jumping and spinning around. When she saw Campbell, she began to  laugh, pressing a hand to her chest. "You scared the shit out of me."

He couldn't help but laugh a little, himself. "I'm sorry. Are you gonna make it?"

"I suppose." Elle smiled and held out her wrists. "Okay, you can take me to jail."

"I can take you someplace better than jail."

Elle's smile faded. She leaned a little closer. "Well, we did plan to talk after the game. Your place or mine?"

"That's entirely up to you."

"Your place, then."

Campbell  brushed a lock of hair from Elle's face, taking her hand and leading her back to the car. They both hopped into the back seat. "Hey, Grizz. Mind playing chauffeur?"

Grizz peered into the rearview mirror. "Not at all. Clark called to say the game's over in ten, anyways. You two going to Harry's party?"

"Nah, just take us to my house."

"Gotcha."

He  began driving, without asking for directions. Any other night, Campbell  would ask Grizz how he knew the way, but it didn't matter. Elle was  still holding his hand. She was looking at him like she wasn't sure yet  if she actually forgave him or not, but she was coming home with him and  her fingers were laced with his. It meant he had a chance to make  things better.

Grizz parked in the driveway, hopping out and  handing the key back over. He smiled, and gave Elle a little wave.  "Thanks for the game. Have a good evening."

"You, too," Campbell replied. "Night."

Feeling  nervous usually wasn't something Campbell had to worry about, but he did feel a small flicker of uncertainty as he let Elle inside and watched her look around the house. She inspected the books, the art, the  furniture and fixtures. Whatever she saw must have passed the muster,  because she was smiling again when she came back.

"I don't suppose a lady could ask for a beer?"

Campbell snorted. "I've got enough stashed away to last a year. A lady most certainly can have a beer."

She  followed him into the kitchen and perched on one of the stools, resting  her elbows on the countertop. "Well, I'll know where to come in a  drought, then." Elle accepted the beer Campbell fished out of the fridge. "You really do have a beautiful home. Awfully big for one person  though, isn't it?"

Popping open their drinks, Campbell let out a rough exhale. "Yeah, I guess I should try and explain that."

"Probably."

"It's  complicated. I know I shouldn't have said what I said, but..." Campbell  ran a hand through his hair. "You don't know Sam. Our parents doted on  him. He always was the center of attention, especially when he got sick.  Our parents just acted like I was a nuisance. I was always a problem to  get rid of."

"What do you mean?"

"Like... Sam got all the  attention. The newest toys, treats, birthday parties. Mom and dad were  too busy for me, because they had work or because of the baby or because  Sam needed them. And they never really got me anything, because they  said I'd just break it. I couldn't have parties because I was rude to  the other kids."

Elle tilted her head. "Yeah? Did you actually do those things?"

"Well.  Yeah. But they never asked why, you know? I broke things because I got  frustrated, and they just didn't care. I got into fights because it was  the only time I felt like I could let the anger out."

"So, what does that have to do with Sam?"

"It  made me hate him. And I know it's their fault, not his, but it fucked things up between us. I felt like I was always fighting over every scrap  of anything with him. And when we got here, I just... I don't know. I  wanted my own space, my own time. And then they start talking about  sharing homes, and I just... I would hurt people. And I didn't want one  of those people being Sam."

Elle rested her chin on her hand. "You could have just explained that to him, you know."

"No,  because then he'd think that we could just work it out somehow. Even if  he left, everyone else would wonder-- why me, and not them? Why do I  get my own place?" Campbell shook his head. "Then anyone could just claim to be crazy and get their way. No, I had to actually do something.  And most people love Sam and hate me, so it was the best way to prove I  was the monster they thought I was already."

"Well, I don't think you're a monster. A little crazy, maybe," she added with a half smile, "but not a monster."

"Yeah, but it's not the cute kind."

"Then what kind is it?"

Campbell  downed the rest of his beer. He wanted to tell her, warn her off or whatever, but he could remember Cassandra telling him not to let anyone  know. Still. When he looked at Elle, something in him made him think he  could trust her. And if she did react badly, who would she tell? They  were both the town social pariahs. No one cared what they had to say.

But...  He couldn't say it. He opened his mouth to try, but it didn't want to  come out. Instead, he just shrugged and tried to smile. "The kind I  don't talk about until the third date."

"Two more dates to go, then."

"Yeah?"  Campbell blinked. Maybe it was the alcohol, but he could swear Elle was  looking at him a bit warmer than before. Who was he to question it? He  stood up and offered his hand. "Wanna go up to my room? It's comfier  than the kitchen. We could watch a movie or something."

Elle finished off her beer and accepted his hand. "Only if you bring that bottle of wine I saw in the fridge."

It  was just some cheap Barefoot Moscato, but he dutifully grabbed it from  the fridge before heading upstairs. Elle followed him into the room; besides his family and Harry, no one else had ever been inside, and he was suddenly thankful that he kept his space clean and tidy. She explored with the same intensity that she had downstairs, not touching anything but studying everything.

"Did you take these?" she asked, pointing to the black and white photographs above his desk.

"Yeah. 7th grade photography class."

"They're very good. Have you considered getting into photography?"

"It was a thought. It'd give me a chance to see other countries."

Elle  looked to his desk and lightly grazed her fingers over a small globe, the stamps he had out to sort through, a small collection of old books on world maps. "I guess I expected you to be more into video games and posters of women in bikinis than nature shots and world travel."

"I mean, I could whip out Super Smash Bros if you're disappointed."

But  then Elle was right there, curling her arms around him and kissing him.  Campbell froze, just for a split second, before kissing her back. Her  lips were soft and tasted faintly of strawberry; when he brushed his  fingers along her cheek, her skin was warm. Campbell had never allowed  himself to get that close to anyone. It had always seemed just out of  reach, but Elle was right there in his arms. His other hand rested on  her hip, and that was when she yanked back. Moment gone.

"I'm going home. This was a mistake."

Campbell lifted his hands. "Woah, woah. Hey. I didn't mean to upset you again. I thought we were having fun."

"I don't want to have fun."

"Elle,  I don't understand what's going on here. I promised I wouldn't do anything you weren't comfortable with, but you kinda seemed into this."

"Yeah, well I'm not just some skank, okay?"

"Okay,  okay. I know I made a mistake at the church, but I didn't mean anything  by it this time. It's just where my hand rested. I don't think you're  easy or anything."

Elle brushed past him and headed towards the  door, but then she stopped and turned back. "Why did you pick me? Why do  you keep picking me? You barely know me."

"Because I like you." Campbell sat on the bed, gesturing at the air between them. "Alright, so I don't know you super well, but we're not strangers. I think that we've got a bit in common."

"I like you, too, but I... Look, I don't like being touched like that."

Campbell  bit back the urge to ask. It wasn't his business. He nodded, raising his right hand. "I swear, I won't touch you without asking. Okay? But I  need you to tell me I'm making you uncomfortable. I'm kind of new to this."

Crossing her arms over her chest, Elle looked up at the ceiling, her eyes blinking rapidly. "Can we watch a movie still?"

"Hey, of course. C'mon. You can pick whatever you want. Our DVD collection has thrilling titles like Lord of the Rings, Top Gun, and Frozen."

"Frozen, seriously?"

"Don't hate on Frozen. It's a beautiful movie about familial love and self-acceptance."

Elle  sniffled and laughed at the same time, coming over and sinking on the bed next to Campbell. They were cuddled up and halfway through Let It Go  when the thunderstorm rolled in; the lights flickered, and Elle pressed  a tiny bit closer, and closer still when the power went out completely.

"Don't worry," Campbell tried to assure. "They'll be back on by the time the movie's over."

"How do you figure? Who's gonna fix it?"

"We've  been here two weeks without anyone at the power plant. Wherever we are,  whatever this is, I have to believe that it'll right itself."

"I wish I was that confident."

Campbell  looked over at Elle, the glow of the DVD player illuminating her taut,  worried expression. "You're safe here with me. I want you to know that. I  won't let anything hurt you."

Her eyes shone as she turned her face to him. "Do you think I need someone to protect me?"

"I don't know. I need someone. I think maybe you do, too."

"Maybe." Elle rested her head on his shoulder. "Can I have some wine?"

They  passed the bottle back and forth for a little while, until Elle shook her head when he offered it back. He set it aside; it wouldn't do any good to get drunker than her. Not again. "Pleasantly warm" was a good place to stop. What wasn't pleasant was that, by the time the movie was  over, the rain was still pouring and the power wasn't back on. He tried  not to think of what that meant in terms of frozen and refrigerated  food, and focused on the fact that Elle had fallen asleep against him.

"Hey." He gently nudged her with his elbow. "It's late. Do you want me to drive you home?"

Elle stirred, but didn't move. "Can I stay here? I don't wanna be alone."

"Yeah, no problem. You can stay here and get comfy. I'll use one of the other beds."

"No. Don't go."

"Are you sure?"

"Mhm."

Campbell  felt torn. Elle was half asleep, and probably a little tipsy. Was she making a choice she'd normally make? But if she really didn't want to be  alone, then he didn't want to make her upset. Waking up to find someone  gone didn't sound like anything he wanted to put someone through. After  a few moments of deliberation, Campbell carefully lowered Elle to the  bed and tucked her in with a quilt. It was warm and a bit muggy from the  storm, so hopefully a light blanket would be good enough.

Stretching  out on his side of the bed, Campbell kept his distance as much as  possible. He was just about asleep himself when a loud crack of  lightning rang out over the house, rattling the windows. Elle mumbled  something, shifting around until she was curled up at Campbell's back,  one arm slung over his waist.

Never pictured being the little  spoon, he thought to himself as he closed his eyes. But for someone like  Elle, he could see himself getting used to it.

[cogentranting]

Arrow Season 4 Highlights

As part of my countdown to the season 7 premiere, here are my picks for the best and most memorable parts of season 4. 

Top 5 Episodes

Dark Waters 4x09- High stakes, and interesting character dynamics. It’s fun seeing Oliver’s public persona challenged by the villain. Malcolm wearing the Green Arrow suit is fun. There are a bunch of great moments between Oliver and Felicity. The ending is shocking and dramatic. 

A.W.O.L. 4x11- This is a great episode for Felicity. Seeing her struggle to accept what’s happened to her and come to terms with her disability is really fascinating. Oliver supporting her through this is really sweet. It plays out great and is just a standout episode. 

Sins of the Father 4x13- This is my favorite episode of the season. The League power struggle is fascinating. Nyssa is a joy, as always. Malcolm is a delightful snake. And the choice that Oliver faces is really interesting. It’s also a rare case of Oliver being at odds with everyone else and being the one completely in the right at the end. He proves everyone else wrong by finding a third way. Also, this season struggles with underplaying Oliver’s abilities but this episode does not; everyone operates with absolute certainty that Oliver can kill Malcolm and it’s really satisfying to watch. Oliver and Thea’s relationship is also front and center and that’s always appreciated, plus it has some early exploration of Oliver’s relationship to William. 

Taken 4x15- This episode features two things that are critically important to the show as a whole: the reveal of Oliver’s son to the other characters, and Oliver and Felicity’s breakup. And I think they handle both well. Different characters get to offer their perspectives on Oliver’s position and each of those perspectives is well thought out, with Mari’s being particularly striking. Laurel gets some lovely little moments recognizing the impact this information would have on her and giving her a chance to support Samantha. Felicity’s reactions are guarded but played with subtle skill. The ending is heartbreaking. They are a few really sweet moments with William. 

Broken Hearts 4x16- As a continuation of the last episode this one works really well. We get a more thorough exploration of Felicity’s thoughts and feelings. The fake wedding is a really interesting device for exploring their positions. I also really enjoy Cupid any time she shows up, making this episode really fun despite the sadness of it all. 

Eleven-Fifty-Nine 4x18- The conflict with Andy comes to a head, resulting in some great character moments for Diggle. The betrayal is interesting and leads to some good story moments to come. I also really enjoy some of the moments they give Laurel in her swan song as a final tribute to the character. 

Top 5 Fights

Green Arrow and Spartan v the Ghosts 4x07- This fight among the storage containers is a ground-level continuous shot fight which is fun and different and really stood at the time.

Nyssa v Tatsu 4x12- It’s always nice to get a sword fight, particularly with two of my favorite underrated characters. 

Oliver v Malcolm 4x13-  Oliver duels Malcolm to grant Nyssa control of the League. It short, and brutal, with Oliver easily defeating Malcolm and ending with him cutting off his hand. It’s such a strong character moment for a variety of reasons but primarily this: in season 1 Malcolm was this terrifying force that beat Oliver repeatedly and who always had the upperhand. And now we get to see how far Oliver has come in how effortlessly he holds power over Malcolm. It’s a memorable fight and an awesome moment for Oliver. 

Oliver v Conklin 4x14- I just love any interaction between these two and this fight is one of the few fights of the season that I actually remembered before skimming through the season. 

Reiter V Taiana 4x23 - To be honest, I struggled to find five fight scenes for this season, so I went with an unconventional one here. This isn’t a very Arrow-like fight scene. It’s all about magic and flinging people around with their minds. It’s more like something out of Supernatural. But it’s interesting and from a stunts standpoint pretty well executed and it stands out (unlike most of the fights in this season). 

10 (+ a few) Great Scenes/Moments

Not a top 10 because I’m sure I’ve forgotten some. But 10 that I really like. Plus honorable mentions. I have slightly more than for most seasons, but that’s because I ended up skimming over this season episode by episode looking for fight scenes that were interesting, so I was reminded of some good moments. This is the only season I had to do that for. 

“You don’t trust. You don’t love. You were able to fool the league because inside you’re every bit as dark as they are.” 4x01-  Right after Oliver returns to Star City, he tries to mend fences with Diggle and Diggle responds with these and a few other choice words. They’re cruel and totally unfair and they echo Oliver’s deepest fears about himself. It’s such a well-executed gut-punch of a scene demonstrating how angry Diggle really is. 

“A part of me has always wanted you to see what kind of man I really am.” 4x04- Oliver confronts Quentin about working for Darhk. Any time these two actors are given emotional scenes together it’s exemplary. They play off each other really well and tap into some great emotion. This scene is a great role reversal, with Oliver berating Quentin’s actions and Quentin struggling to justify himself. It also gives a bit of insight into how Oliver views the relationship and the line quoted above opens the door for the father/son relationship which comes to full realization over the course of the next three years, as well as shining some light on Oliver mindset in the past. 

“If I’m this dark person, shouldn’t you be afraid of me” 4x04- In the flashbacks, Conklin quizzes Oliver over his claim that he killed Taiana. Conklin comments on the darkness in Oliver and Oliver offers the above as a response. The line and its delivery have always fascinated me. Oliver’s curious about Conklin’s read on him (testing the waters) and he’s offering a challenge, almost daring Conklin to move against him. The relationship between them is a fascinating dance of veiled (and blatant) threats, and I really enjoy it. 

Oliver confronts Samantha/meets William for the first time 4x08- These two scenes are the payoff to what was teased back in season 2 and they do so excellently. Stephen Amell deftly handles the range of complex emotions Oliver is feeling (he also excells in the fight with Felicity in this same episode). Watching Oliver discover his son for the first time is exciting and moving, and the moment where Oliver sits down to play action figures with William is so sweet. 

“You are the one who lights my way” 4x09- Oliver’s proposal to Felicity is lovely and joyous and beautiful, even knowing all of what’s to come for them afterwards. 

“For better, for worse.” 4x10- Oliver visits Felicity in the hospital for the first time after she’s shot. It’s a quiet sweet moment of two people going through something terrible but finally being able to lean on each other. Emily Bett Rickards handles this scene really well and as always she and Stephen Amell play off each other wonderfully. It also offers some wonderful insight into both characters and their view of the relationship. 

Felicity v Felicity 4x11- Following her return home from the hospital, Felicity begins hallucinating her past self. In particular, during one scene, Past Felicity is trying to drown out Oliver as he tries to comfort Felicity. This is another scene that shows of Emily Bett Rickards skill and it’s one of the finest explorations of Felicity’s character to date. 

“Don’t you dare threaten me” 4x13- After losing the duel with Oliver and watching Nyssa disband the League, Malcolm is left with nothing. He vows to get revenge on Oliver. Oliver turns and growls the above line at Malcolm and Malcolm tucks his tail between his legs and runs away. It’s a clear demonstration of the role reversal that has occurred since their season 1 interactions. Oliver is no longer the kid facing the more experienced  master. Now Oliver has all the power and Malcolm no longer has any sort of hold over him, meaning his first nemesis appears to finally be thoroughly defeated. 

Fake wedding vows 4x16- The vows that Oliver gives, followed by the speech that Felicity gives to Cupid are a beautiful expression of the depths of their feelings for each other, even in the midst of their breakup. Even though they didn’t get back together for another year and a half, these vows served as sort of a promise for their eventual happy ending. 

Oliver confronts Andy 4x18- Oliver becomes convinced that Andy is lying to them and is still serving Darhk so he confronts Andy as Green Arrow. He threatens Andy until he’s interrupted by Diggle. It’s a great moment of conflict for Diggle and Oliver, but it’s also just a fun cool moment of dark aggressive Oliver making a much needed return. 

“OTA” 4x03- Oliver Diggle and Felicity get drinks after repairing Diggle and Oliver’s friendship, and its just a nice team bonding moment. 

Oliver and Lyla toast Waller 4x11- It’s a nice tribute to the complicated relationship they had with Waller and it’s a good moment of solidarity betweeen Oliver and Lyla, who I maintain, are very similar people. 

Oliver’s video to William 4x15- This one only just misses out on being in the top ten. Oliver message to William is sweet, heartbreaking and well-acted. 

Laurel’s deathbed 4x18- I actually really like this scene as a send off for Laurel and thought it was well done and really moving. 

Oliver’s darkness and Oliver’s light 4x20- Magical montages of everything Oliver has been through, things that tear him down and things that give him strength. 

Oliver kills Taiana 4x23- This would be one of my top 10 if it was better executed. Conceptually, this scene is important and really cool. To stop her from losing control to the evil magic within her, Oliver is forced to snap the neck of a woman he cares about. Oliver’s been struggling with whether or not he’s a monster all season and being put in this position is what makes him give up that fight for a while, and sends him straight into the arms of the Bratva. And I love that idea. But I don’t like Taiana or her actress so the scene doesn’t end up as good as it should be. 

[peckhampeculiar]

Hey Little Sister

Nicola Brierley is the one-woman powerhouse behind Peckham-based vintage fashion company Little Sister. The engaging entrepreneur tells how she came to open her carefully curated clothing emporium in Holdron’s Arcade  

Words Rosario Blue; Photo Lima Charlie 

Inspirational female entrepreneurs are as necessary to society as humans are in order to have a society. They not only offer hope and encourage ambition in other women, young and old, they also bring with them a quiet, yet loud and resounding (word) assurance that everything is going to be OK.

Men have been running and dominating the business world from the beginning of time, with constant celebration and minimal resistance. When you meet a female entrepreneur you know immediately that you are faced with a warrior armoured by strength, struggle, determination and ingenuity.

Nicola Brierley is one of those warriors, fighting tirelessly to balance familial and domestic duties and a growing empire in our glorious kingdom, Peckham. You most probably know Nicola as the powerhouse behind Little Sister, a vintage clothing boutique located deep in Holdron’s Arcade on Rye Lane, sandwiched between a group of fellow warriors – the extremely talented Sam of Tens Studio, Esme of Deserted Cactus and Ellinda of One organic.

Meeting Nicola, you are immediately struck by her warmth, character and a uniqueness that is truly reflective of the Little Sister brand. Nicola is a proud Peckham local who has lived here for 19 years and counting, and has used her skills in media to develop her empire.

“I started off as a camerawoman working for a television company, [a] post-production news-based company in Soho,” she says. “I met my husband and I had my little son Jonathan, who has Asperger’s syndrome, so I could no longer work in the industry because he had very extreme separation anxiety.

“I’m not a person who can kinda stay still and not be busy, so I discovered eBay, which was like my little lifeline, and I started selling vintage books. Books have always been my passion and they were a bit of a salvation for me, when I realised I had a son with disability.”

I was curious to find out how Nicola went from being a camerawoman to running a business on eBay to launching Little Sister. “I had a business called Love the Baroness and I’ve always bought secondhand and vintage clothes and people kinda liked my style,” she says.

“I sold on eBay for 10 years and was a power seller for five years, but they changed the nature of the business by introducing a 14-day return policy, which kind of killed my business, because you can’t really return vintage clothes.

“From having a business where you would probably get two to four returns a month, it became the opposite – with a majority of returns. That was not sustainable for a business like mine.

“I started doing sales at home, I did a lot of vintage fairs out and about and I met Tim [Wilson], who runs and manages the Bussey Building. He said he’d find me a space somewhere and he found me this space [Holdron’s Arcade]. Since I’ve been here, it’s like I found my special place.”

Nicola discovered her calling, but in a way that would work for her. “What I loved the most about eBay was taking photographs, writing about the clothes that I thought were amazing or crazy or silly and I could do that every day all day here. So through the shop I’ve got to know this end of Peckham and I think it’s me, it’s more me. It’s great fun.”

So why did she name the business Little Sister? “I was called Love the Baroness and it’s a bit of a mouthful,” she says. “When Tim first offered me a space I thought, ‘Ooh, Love the Baroness is a bit of a long-winded thing to go across you know, a shop.’

“I’ve got a friend called Will who is a music journalist, and he started to talk to me about Sly and The Family Stone and Little Sister, and like my heart kinda lifted and a kind of spark exploded and I thought, ‘That’s me, that’s me, I’m taking that name, I am Little Sister!’

“Although it’s a family thing, there’s something about it, everybody’s got a little sister. Even if they don’t have a little sister in their life, if you’re a man or a woman, you want that little sister in your life. I think it’s such a positive thing and it means loads of different things to different people.”

I’m in total agreement because to me, the name feels familiar, warm and welcoming, all things synonymous with the appeal of Peckham.

“I’m a local girl, I’ve been here for over 19 years and my parents lived here when I was about nine so I went to St Francis school [on Friary Road] for a couple of years. So although I’m from Paddington area originally, part of my roots are here,” Nicola says.

“I’m getting to know all of Peckham, I just love it ’cause I see my customers on the bus, I see them when I’m walking through the park, people say hello to me and I go, ‘Oh my God!’

“It’s like a real community spirit and when you actually live and work in a place, you’re seeing it evolve, you’re seeing it grow and to me that’s absolutely… you can’t buy that, I wouldn’t wanna be anywhere else.

“So you know I’m just happy being here with my people and that means all of them, all the communities. My children go to school here, I’m completely rooted in the community, I’ve been a governor in a Peckham school, so you know, it’s just a different side of me, a different facet.”

Nicola was brought up on hard work and strong family values, an ethos she has clearly passed on to her children. “I started doing a cleaning job with my grandmother when I was nine years old, she wouldn’t let any of us just sit down,” she says. “If we weren’t doing two jobs she wasn’t happy.”

She says those values, coupled with a supportive partner, are what allow her to thrive while balancing familial duties and looking after her three children. “I think the truth of the matter is I love this job, I love taking pictures and I love choosing the models,” she says.

Nicola is no stranger to modelling herself. “I was one of the first British black models who appeared on eBay. I used to do a lot of modelling for them, there were many in America but there wasn’t anybody who looked like me on eBay and I thought, ‘But why not?’”

Little Sister has three models, including Nicola herself. If you check her social media and see the diversity of her models as well as her customers, it’s clear that Little Sister is not a “one size fits all” type of business.

“I love working with Naomi and Hebe,” she says. “I love dressing them both because they’ve both got very different body shapes. That’s the way of the world and to me they’re both equally beautiful and stunning.

“I really, really enjoy talking to the women and men who come into the shop and supporting them. I can spend an hour with someone, it’s a real joy. In this little shop you might only get four customers for the day, but you’ve had such a rewarding time.

“You get to know about Peckham and there’s strange people that come in as well, but even then, they’ve got something to say, they’re all part of Peckham’s rich tapestry and rich life and that’s what I wanna reflect.”  

Although Nicola appears to be superhuman, she is bound to face challenges as an independent business. “Yeah I think that the business rates are gonna be really crippling for business because that’s gonna go up soon and that’s gonna impact on all of us, especially with Brexit coming through. I mean, we need all the help we can get.”

Is there anything more Southwark Council could do to support local businesses in Peckham? “I really wanna talk or lobby the council to give us like, designated lampposts on which we can post and put our posters up, ’cause ultimately these are all micro-economies that are bringing,” she says.

“We’re mostly local, what happens is we eat here, we live here, we buy all our stuff here, so all the money is staying in Peckham, unlike these big multinational companies where the money just goes out, they don’t pay any taxes.

“We are [keeping money in Peckham] and we’re being penalised; they don’t recognise the contribution that we’re all making to the economy and we should be celebrated. It’s only these little vintage shops, your independent coffee shops, your independent restaurants that bring the life blood.”

Nicola lives and breathes the ethos that she built Little Sister upon – you only have to meet her to see the way she interacts with her customers, whom she treats like friends she has not seen in a while.

After all, that’s how I met her. She’s the perfect example of how hard work, no matter what the obstacles, a strong family support system and solidarity through sisterhood – or as Nicola puts it, “Our united women front” – can lead to making your dream no longer a mere fantasy.

…………………..

Visit Nicola Tuesday and Wednesday (10am-4pm), Thursday and Friday (12-7pm) and Saturday (12-6pm) in Holdron’s Arcade, 135a Rye Lane. Follow her on Twitter @littlesis_rocks and Instagram and Facebook @littlesister.rocks.