#the dog pissing on you jutsu

[bestnarutoduo]

Propaganda

Dynamic Marking

Dog pissing on you no-jutsu

Submitter cannot imagine how harrowing the emotional experience of getting pissed on mid fight is. Like losing is one thing, but…man 

It’s just a dog peeing on you

Sexy Harem/Reverse Harem Jutsu

Naruto’s seemingly stupid OG Jutsu coming in clutch against the final villain

Ridiculous that it worked but who can blame her really?

Ridiculous that Naruto thought of it in such a serious situation

Ridiculous that Sasuke actually agreed to try it

Ridiculous we got robbed by clouds!

Hot naked man jutsu that actually works on people???

Normal Sexy No-jutsu is just a girl version of Naruto, but this is a variety of different men. Naruto, darking, the closet is GLASS

[team7-headquarter]

Hatake-Inuzuka rant (Kakashi / Team 7 centered) for my Dogs Come In Packs au:

Teeth and nails might not be the most important thing in the world to mo st shinobis, but for clans like the Hatake and the Inuzuka, both have almost sacred connotations.

For the Inuzuka clan, clawns and fangs are things they must keep their eyes on when they learn how to connect with their dogs / canine companions— it is part of their kekkei genkai, of who they are, of how they interact with the world. It's also a more primal way of communication, inherited from the gens and the time they've spent among canines.

Meanwhile, it depends on the level of importance the members of the Hatake clan give to them and the user relationship with their own summonings.

That's because bites and scratches have many meanings, if you speak their language.

For example, it's common for young Inuzuka and Hatake kids to explore the world and satisfy their curiosity through bites, cataloguing through taste and smell. They can also bite their families out of affection, the playful pressure of teeth on skin to claim that person as theirs —instinct that can be extended to friends and people they like. Bites can come out of aggression too; they could be a sort of extreme warning to an enemy, if baring their teeth or snarling didn't work; they could be used as a weapon in a fight, a bite meant to tear apart skin and make the person bleed. Later on in their lives, as lust and sexual encounters become part of their routine, bites can mean a different type of claim, not meaning only possession of the person or companion, but also a reminder of the act or a form of connection. Romantic bites are similar to sexual bites —so it's the act of teaching the ones you love how to take proper care of their teeth.

You can apply most of that to the nails, but in a different sensory level. It's about touch, texture. That's why the state of the teeth and nails of an Inuzuka or a Hatake can tell you a lot about them.

As I said, for the Hatakes it depends on what is their own values and their connection with their summonings— Kakashi Hatake has a whole pack.

Those breakdowns of Kakashi after he killed Rin, when he tried blindly and obsessively to wash her blood out of his young hands, were intensified by the feel of dirt and death under his nails. The fact he wears a mask comes out of his desire to hide his teeth from sight, such a delicate part of him. He can't afford to bite anyone, he never allowed himself to, after his father died. He doesn't claim the people he loves, he protects with all he has as the loyal dog he is, a guard and a guide that only bite or scratch in the form of his jutsus or through his summonings, the manifestation of his instinct.

Like it's obvious that Kiba would bite anyone who tried to hurt his team or family. He'd go absolutely nuts if someone took a bite out of them, right?

So imaging Kakashi's reaction when he sees his cute genins emerge from the Forest of Death and realizes Sasuke has a freak-ass snake bite in the neck, one from Orochimaru —and he hears later from Asuma (of all people) what his kids told him about Sakura biting that shinobi from Sound out of pure desperation. He doesn't know yet about Naruto going feral against Orochimaru (again!) and Orochimaru messing with the Nine Tails seal.

I don't know exactly what I'll do at that point with the Dogs Come In Packs au, but I know Kakashi will be pissed. He's proud of how they fought and what they did to protect each other, but he's also upset in a different level compared to how he was in the Land of Waves mission. He knew that the Chunnin Exams were dangerous and they could end up in rough shape, but Orochimaru? He never saw that one coming. After that it was too late for them to pull Sasuke or Naruto out, 'cause it would be suspicious as hell, every nation was watching. Especially watching Sasuke. Kakashi knew that none of his cute genins would go down easy, so the only option left was to let them participate in the preliminary and properly train them after.

He'd have to stare at Sasuke's mark and Sakura's short hair and Naruto's serious face and resist to bite back. Well, he threatened Orochimaru when they saw each other. If one would ignore that tiny fact —Orochimaru showed him a fucking genjutsu biting his whole head off as if it was nothing— he's a smart man, a dog that's maybe younger than the snake, but certainly not completely stupid.

So he trains Sasuke himself and he asks Jiraiya to train Naruto and they and they do the best they can to redirect their instincts to something that's less lethal or self-destructive, while Kakashi allows Sakura to process the aftermath of the Forest of Deaths and the Preliminaries. Hmmm, something something about Kakashi being way too scared of hurting Sakura to ever train her like he trains the boys, because he could never break his kunoichi, only protect her —the instinct of a soft leader dog with the "weakest-prettiest" puppy of the pack. Or it could be that hurting little Sakura would feel too much like hurting Rin again... He's not prepared. That's all.

[bogbees]

(Jazz hands) ROLE REVERSAL

7:30 AM · Nov 19, 2017

Kakashi sensei is a.... character. He's very precise and very relaxed individual, his students claim him to be lazy - until they find themselves in a lecture. He's very thorough and adamant.

He's the only person in the damn village to give Naruto his full undivided attention. It morphs into some sort of family bond later and he wants to tear his eyes out bc of it.

Kakashi regularly makes sure the kid is eating his veggies. And cares so much ab him passing his final exam he ends up fighting Mizuki and getting a huge damn shuriken through his back

Naruto cries and does KAGE BUSHIN NO JUTSU and passes and now Kakashi is crying bc his son is happy and sage (and not bc of the pain no)

Iruka Umino ex elite anbu ninja, failed all his previous genin teams cause they never meet his impossibly high standards gets assigned Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke

Kakashi is gonna piss himself bc of course Naruto would end up with that guy! Of course! Still worried if Nar will pass tho. He thinks he did a FAB job teaching them

Iruka sorta jokes around with them - his prankster days never died - and finds their complete uncoordination appalling. Bad match up, awful, why these three together - oh wait, they have empathy for another? That's new

So he signs up as their jounin sensei. He's actually kinda excited - don't let Anko find out, she'll tell everyone he actually likes kids.

And then Naruto drags him to a ramen stand and they're waiting for someone --- "Iruka sensei please meet Kakashi neechan!" "Naruto they're Konoha ninja they probably know each other"

And simultainously both Iruka and Kakashi go "Naruto respect your elders" bc they are not having this kid go around calling Kakashi his brother /in public/

They smile. This won't be so bad. Cut to four weeks down the road when Kakashi hires them to wash his dogs for the 3rd time annonsomsly.

Pakkun is tired of these brats being so rough, so he goes "I can't believe Kakashi hired you all again" The room goes quiet. Iruka bites his cheek to keep from laughing. Naruto explodes. Sakura and Sasuke join him. They're throwing wet sponges everywhere

It's chaos and loud and everything is sogged and Kakashi races onto the scene like "stop this!!!" Naruto throws a soggy sponge at him like "you stop hiring us to wash yoyr dogs!!!"

Iruka is laughing his was off as Kakashi and Naruto argue over the benefit of this job. Sakura and Sasuke resume washing the dogs. Pakkun regrets.

By the end of it, Kakashi is serving dinner in the hatake mansion to his previous students and their new teacher and all his dogs. He says he hates it but he's lying

ESPECIALLY WHEN THE CUTE JOUNIN SENSEI OFFERS HIS ASSITANCE. god damn you could bounce a yen off that man's ass

Now Iruka gets them a super cool mission bc they won't stop complaining - Sasuke has started voicing his opinions dear gods - they're escorting an old guy to the wave country

He repeats himself like "children. This is work and you need to be responsible. We are protecting a civilian from harm. Don't be a hero. You will die."

So Zabuza shows up like EYYY LEMME AT EM and Naruto almost dies ish but yo look at that kyubii magic. Haku shows up like "thanks for that" and they all leave

They make it to their destination but can't go home because there's a shitty storm and so Iruka teaches the kids how to climb trees like the monkeys they oughta be

But like, he not only gives them the basics, but a lecture on it too so maybe visualising the process in their head will help. He gets them to try walking along the walls barefoot - they pretty much succeed

So he takes them into the wilderness like "now try that on these trees" and Sakura fucking masters it in one go.

Sasuke and Naruto return to Iruka for instruction, and Iruka rubs his chin like "alright, you both learn by doing, yeah, so here's what we do" and constructs this obstacle course in the woods for them

He's got a thin board over a puddle of mud like "you can stay on using balance, but if i don't see you walk across as you would on ground, you're getting pushed off."

So Sasuke ends up fighting it out before Naruto and Naruto gets crabby bc of it, but now Sasuke and Sakura are very interested in keeping him on par with their skills. So they give him tips and pointers. Iruka couldn't be more proud

On the day Naruto gets it, and they decide to take their training to the water - the gang attacks. And it's solved in like zero minutes bc Iruka is a seals master and thanks to barrier tag traps everything is ok

They all get arrested and somehow Zabuza and Haku flee but no one is too worried bc they're together and that's all that matters

So they stick around to help construction - Iruka thinks it'll give them more stamina and there's chakra control practice by walking on the water. Which they all get sorta, Naruto sinks a little but he's still upright so!

They return to little fan fare but Kakashi's dumb worrying face that is the same as his regular face but u can tell bc his eyes are a little more open. He treats them to ichiraku

Team 7 is like "Kakashi watch this!" And the three of them are walking up the walls and ceiling of his dining room like cicadas and he might cry if Iruka wasn't laughing

"They named the bridge after Naruto!" He says, "I did all the work and he gets the name bc he's too likable!" Kakashi smiles fondly under his mask like 'ain't that the truth'

So circa chunin exams Iruka has taught them more neat ninja skills - Sasuke finds seals to be hella interesting, Sakura has apparently some super rare bloodline and Kakashi's old friend is giving her lessons on that and Naruto is....

Naruto is interested in summoning. He likes the idea of calling things into existence. Kakashi won't help by explaining how his ninken summoning works and Gai's student Tenten isnt too hot on tutorial either

So Iruka has been writing letters up the Wahoo to Jiraiya to try and get the man's help. "Come back." He pleads. "Naruto wants to summon."

So Jiraiya returns solely to fight Iruka for being a nag. Literally. "Iruka Umino you're just like your mother. Annoying." Iruka flicks a smoke bomb at the old man and they play this game of cat and mouse

Only each time Iruka uses a smoke bomb, he's been planting a barrier seal attached to a kunai that's been laced with chakra wire. He's weaving a basket around Jiraiya and catches the old fart in 40 minutes

Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Kakashi and Tenzou stare in awe. Iruka just did that. "Naruto, this man will teach you how to summon frogs. Have fun" and leaves. The audience stares at the space he had been and Jiraiya snorts.

So this is how Jiraiya teaches Naruto how to summon. Sasuke vows to be as good as Iruka one day. Sakura and Tenzou build a dog house for Kakashi's dogs. And Kakashi finds Iruka alone at the noodle stand

He's like "whyd you leave like that" "Oh you see, you have to leave Jiraiya alone with what you want him to do. It's the only way." "No really" "Ok I was starving and am not going to pay for Naruto's bottomless pit let alone four more mouths"

And they have a weird date and discuss the upcoming Curnin exams. They agree the kids would be good to go. Iruka laments he idea of getting stuck in a scroll for three days - hes a busy man (and ex anbu! Like!) and Kakashi takes his shoulder "I'll do it"

So they make plans that if their kids try the chunin exams and pass the first round - Kakashi will be there in the scroll for when they pass. It has been decided.

So when the exams get announced, Naruto has one animal summon, Sasuke has five neat barrier tricks and ten more up for circumstance and Sakura can create and will wooden blocks. Plus they all have stellar chakra control!

Iruka thinks they're good to fucking go. Plus he's socialized them well so they shouldn't be picking fights with other Konoha shinobi bc they think they're better than them. He scoffs, imagine, Sasuke picking a fight with Rock Lee! What a weird world that'd be!

They're weirded put by the sand sibs but like, this is before Power of Friendship Gaara so who isn't, really. Iruka's already planning playdates bc jinjurikis should prob stick together, ya know, bond with those who know your suffering

Kakashi is looking over Iruka's shoulder like "dont. Do not write that. Gaara will not come over - he's the Wind's tailed beast we can't trust him"

So the kids pass their first test. Naruto just fakes it, doesn't write nothing, completely confident. Sakura and Sasuke get everything filled out with the correct answers.

So Kakashi gets wasted the night before he goes into the seal. Iruka shows up like at 8 like "don't forget! The thing is tomorrow" And by the power of booze, joy and fondness he kisses Iruka smack on the lips.

They pull apart, Iruka dazzled and looking a little deshelved, Kakashi a dumb love struck smile, and Kakashi closes the door humming.

Iruka kind of staggers home. Lost. Confused. Warm. Light. Cheeks burning and a smiling tugging at his weary frown.

So now it's morning of the second exam, Kakashi is fighting off a mild hangover and as he's getting set up to do the thing, he catches Iruka skirt around the room, why isn't he saying hello --- oh no.

So he's stuck in the scroll - idk can they do stuff in that void, are they just sleeping, suspended animation - for what feels like forever

Iruka HAS NOT been avoiding Kakashi bc of last night's kiss. Nah, he forgot it happened until he made coffee. He's just literally on security detail and can't say hello bc anbu mask - why is Kakashi staring at him???

Kakashi seems to know that he's the monkey or sm bc he won't take his eyes off him and it's pissing Iruka off so he blows the dumb man a kiss He sartles out of his trance and looks away. Iruka rolls his eyes and Anko takes his attention.

Later she's going to seriously ask him if he and Kakashi are a thing. He is going to sputter his beer into her face. She is going to pull a knife and go "try that again lover boy and you won't have any lips" Gods she's awful

So as a weird brother figure, he confirms that they have had one (1) kiss and that he catches Kakashi refer to team 7 as "their kids" often

Anko's grin might tear her face in two. "I win! That's so much money! No one thought you'd go for lazy chunin sensei Kakashi Hatake BUT I CALLED IT!" Iruka is so shocked he can't ask her to be quiet or how ---- "Come on, I know your type, family men."

He diverts the conversation to the examination bc holy shit he can't deal with any of this information. "You met Naruto today didn't you?" "Oh yeah, that kids a riot. Almost had him shit his pants. Good kid."

Iruka buys her a drink for that. Can't have that kid too comfortable around strangers. So they get off their break and return to work. Anko's going back to the tower and Iruka is going to patrol.

Nothing worth noting on the go, pretty quiet and nice, kinda worrying bc of all the foreign ninja - they /all/ can't be this chill can they??? So Iruka clocks out and heads to his fave ramen stand

Anko slithers in after he orders his second bowl and she's like "the money from the bet." He looks at her like 'why aren't you using this to buy more dango??'

"Look I was the only other person besides Asuma who bet on Kakashi. Out of our group" Iruka grimaces, all the ninja in the village have been placing bets on his love life. "So split between me and Asuma, I still have 5000 yen left. Figured to give you half"

"What because you can make easy money off of my love life?" "Nonsense! I still haven't decided what to bet on for your love life!" She looks out of existence like a true shadow clone and Iruka uses the 2500 yen to buy more ramen

What had happened was that Asuma had seen Iruka dressed in his anbu monkey mask entertaining a sullen Kakashi years and years ago. He told Anko one night, piss drunk and now they support it

Iruka doesn't remember the encounter, there's so much bs from being a child in anbu that makes him forget the good times. Kakashi recalls clearly that summer's day when Monkey tried to cheer him up.

Kakashi has the sharingan, but it's also dead. He was able to become a teacher bc he was useless and not an asset to the village.

So depression and ptsd from loosing his friends and family took it's toll and now he thinks it best if he can help teach these children so that maybe these mistakes won't happen again

Anyway so the kids breeze through the forest of certain death like a cake walk, got through as the 4th team they were so good at it Sakura punched kabuto in the face on reflex and he dropped his scroll and since Iruka hadn't introduced them, they dont trust him lmao

They do the scroll thing and out pops Kakashi Sensei with the most stupid smile on his face like "yo. Congrats, you passed" and it's kinda the least climatic thing to happen to them all week.

So the four of them hang around the tower until it's finished - Kakashi has no where to be, he had booked a week off for this. So the kids share with him their new skills - and he supervises spars between the kids who've finished.

The sand sibs end up watching the leaf genin fight each other, and Kakashi asks them if they want to join in. "It'll be like class!" The rookie nine all groan, fuck you Kakashi sensei

So he organises a short spar competition. Five minutes each fight and no weapons, no shots to kill. He includes Gaara in on it and kankuro and temari freeze up. Gaara just nods, slightly pissy but also confused.

So he's got the sand genin and the leaf genin play fighting each other while they wait for the actual fights to clear up. It's not until Rock Lee and Naruto are giving Gaara of the Sand taijutsu pointers that the irony dawns on him.

Monkey shows up like "Hatake-sensei what the fuck is going on here" and Kakashi is no where near afraid of the anbu in the room But the fight stops dead Naruto pipes up "eeeehhhh we're just socializing properly Iruka-sensei, what's the big deal" Everyone stops. Kakashi chokes

Iruka laughs, takes off his mask and smashes it, "well, so much for that." He looks at the group if kids with a big smile, "So are you all being nice to each other?"

We have Shino and Kankuro gushing ab bugs, in the corner, the girls all huddled together like they were always meant to be best friends, Rock Lee and Naruto and Sasuke talking to Gaara like he's not some monster

Kiba and Neiji were just in the middle of a mock flight, still froze stiff. Naruto goes "yes /daaad/ now go kiss Kakashi sensei or something, we're on to something here" And he turns back to the other boys like nothing he just said was life changing.

Iruka sits back down next to kakashi, who has picked up the shards of the mask and the kids continue existing as if they didn't have any supervision

"Was it really that obvious?" Iruka asks. Kakashi isn't sure what he's asking about, be it Monkey, their dumb mutual crush or their family fondness over these brats. But the answer is the same to all of these questions. "Yeah,"

So they watch Neiji and Kiba fight, then watch Ino and Temari spar, their hands lightly laced together as Kakashi hides his face behind a book

Eventually Naruto gets loud and very agitated, Iruka goes over to check on him. "It's the stupid seal, me n Sasuke can't fix it" Turns out Gaara has his stomach exposed to display the shoddiest seal work ever.

"Do you want me to do it?" "See knucklehead, I said Iruka sensei would know what to do!" "Yeah but he's my damn friend I wanna be the one to help!" Iruka smiles and almost cries bc Naruto is so honest and gaara looks startled

Temari and kankuro join them like "you can… Help him??" As if they can't believe the words coming out of his mouth Iruka nods, "it's a simple seal, but I can patch it up and add more so that it doesn't wear away." They look to be near tears

Naruto grins and looks to his new friend like "See, told ya, we jinjuriki gotta stay together" and Gaara looks so lost, the poor boy. So Kakashi suanders over like "damnit Iruka"

So Iruka whips up a draft to show them, explains what it does, compares it to Naruto's and Gaara's, all the kids are pretty engrossed with what he's saying and Sasuke is writing notes

We're back tracking to the first time team Naru-Sasu-Saku meet Iru

So Iruka's like "ah yes hello I'm Iruka Umino, I'll be your jounin instructor - if you pass my own genin examination. If not, you're all getting sent back to the academy! But I'd like to meet you all first"

So they do the thing they do in canon, where Sakura goes "I like Sasuke" Naruto goes "I'm gonna be the Hokage" and Sasuke does his "I want revenge" bc he's been festering in hate for the last 82 years

But instead of "oh well you're all weird kids" Iruka almost looses his mind and almost sends them all back then and there

Alright, alright, he goes, you're all children, but these things aren't gonna help you become ninja. Naruto, your goal is admirable, good, that's good. Least stupid. Tells me how far you're willing to go.

Sakura, you being in love tells me you can form bonds - which is good for teamwork, but you need to take it back a bit, and bond with your other team mates as well.

And then he turns to Sasuke. Revenge will not help you. You will not gain anything from that. Bad things are always happening and there's never any reason for it. He tells off Sasuke for his bs bc Iruka doesn't have a filter and will fight these kids

And the kids are like Sasuke: offended Sakura: offended Natuto: laughing his ass off

"I'd like to send you all back to the academy for this but! I said I was gonna give you all a chance to be full fledged genin. So! Here's my test!" And makes this weird quiz thing that is sorta like the bell test where the goal is for them to display teamwork 5:59 PM · Dec 3, 2017

[rarepears]

I dare you made a Kakashi in mha

When Kakashi wakes up, he's disoriented and confused.

How are those mountains so tall and silver and metal-looking?

Then he trips, unable to find his bearings. He looks down. Paws? Where are his feet?

Needless to say, Kakashi isn't pleased to discover, after stumbling across the paved walkways full of legs and dangerous high heels to find a store with glass doors that he can look at his reflection with, that he is a cat.

Not a dog, a cat. A baby cat. What are baby cats called again? Ah right, kittens.

Kakashi would like to know which god he pissed off to get turned into a kitten. Last time he checked, he was no spring chicken, so couldn't he be a distinguished tomcat instead? Or better, a dog?

Instead, he was a kitten. A kitten with long silver fur sticking in all directions in need of a good brushing. At least he still had his sharingan?

-

And then Kakashi the kitten gets found and adopted by our local coffee addict Aizawa. Kakashi keeps escaping Aizawa's apartment but Aizawa keepings finding and bringing Kakashi back to the hellhole that is ruled by the two other cats in the apartment.

For all that Kakashi enjoys all the pampering he gets from being Aizawa's cat, he hates the two other cats. He would rather deal with two drunk Gai's instead.

Kakashi is too busy cat-fighting (lol) with the apartment's residents to stress too much about being in another dimension aware from his kiddoes and comrades.

Either Kakashi died and then reborned as a kitten or he got hit by a very very unlucky combinations of jutsu's that landed him in this predicament.

-

Anyways, endgame is Kakashi X Aizawa with Kakashi being the local cliche catboy, switching between cat and human form because I draw great amusement of dog-lover Kakashi hitting all those catboy plots.

And Aizawa discovers that he really does have a kink for all of said plots. (He assumes that Kakashi is a cat with a quirk of becoming human, and being born a cat is why Kakashi is so unfamiliar and confused about human social norms. Plus cats are hunters and just assholes which would explain Kakashi's personality and habits. Especially the habit of always being armed with knives - human form doesn't come with claws.)

Then one day Kakashi finds himself being teleported to a new strange place. Once the smoke dissipates, he finds himself back in cat form, standing in front of a very young and very not dead Itachi. That was not a fun way of learning that he was, in fact, an animal summon and that animal summons were just animals with quirks...

[dilly-oh]

Haircare no Jutsu

He’s wearing the red hair-tie today, Kakashi noted with satisfaction, walking down the hallway behind Iruka. An excellent choice. It perfectly accentuated the subtle reddish tones in his hair, highlighting them to perfection. His ponytail bounced with every step, the strands gleaming in the sun-rays cast through the nearby window.

Kakashi had been obsessed with Iruka’s hair for longer than he cared to admit. But hey, everyone had their quirks, especially Jounin. At least his didn’t involve green spandex and dazzling teeth. He was practically normal compared to the others.

He daydreamed about Iruka’s hair constantly, imagining running his fingers through the silken strands, pressing his face against them to smell their subtle scent. He imagined pulling Iruka's hair free from that cruel hair tie, brushing it till it gleamed, then separating it into three portions and twisting them into a thick braid. No, wait, a French one? He couldn’t decide. Still lost in internal debate, he walked closely behind Iruka, eyes glued to his hair.

Which is why he failed to see the loose tile jutting out of the floor in front of him.

Now, the Copy-nin of Konoha, feared by countless enemies and Missing-Nin alike, did not trip.

He merely attacked the loose tile with his toe, lurched forward for a better stance, wind-milled his arms about wildly to ward off any incoming attacks from enemies, and face-planted into the nearest object.

Which happened to be Iruka’s ponytail.

One time, while on an A-rank mission to Suna, Kakashi, half-dead from chakra exhaustion, had accidentally fallen into a patch of prickly cactuses.

This was worse than that.

Iruka’s ponytail was not soft and silky, fragrant and luxurious as he’d dared to dream. It was like a briar patch, bristly as hell, the strands broken and split and dry as a bone. Kakashi counted himself lucky his hitai-ate was covering one eye already so he only had to worry about losing the other one. This close, he could see the horrible split ends and flakes of dandruff with awful detail.

“Yeeeoooowch!!”

The cry echoed through the hallway, reverberating off the walls. Several heads poked out of doors to stare curiously, caught sight of Iruka’s face, and retreated.

“That’s my line,” Iruka grumbled, turning to confront him while rubbing the back of his head gingerly. “What the hell was that about?” Kakashi just gaped at him for a long moment, aghast, his hopes and dreams crumbling before him.

“Good God! Is my face bleeding?!” he blurted aloud.

“It’s about to be if you don’t start explaining yourself,” Iruka snapped back irritably, crossing his arms. “Seriously, what’s your problem?”

“It felt like I fell on a wad of steel wool!” Kakashi cried. “What the hell kind of hair product do you use?! Bar soap?!”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Iruka huffed at him. Kakashi felt a glimmer of hope flicker to life. “I use my three-in-one shampoo, conditioner, and body-wash.” The glimmer of hope promptly whimpered, curled up, and died.

“Alright. That’s it. I’m confiscating this,” Kakashi said, twirling the red hair-band around his pinky finger. Iruka’s hair immediately flopped down around his face, sticking out in all directions like an unkempt bird’s nest and further destroying every one of Kakashi’s secret fantasies.

“Hey!” Iruka cried in outrage, shoving his hair aside. “Give that back!”

“You’ll get it back when you learn to treat your hair better.”

“Whatever, I have like three more,” Iruka snorted, rolling his eyes. He reached into his pockets, searching for a few moments, then frowned in confusion. “What the…?” He looked up to see Kakashi twiddling his fingers at him, each digit encircled by a colored band. “When- how did you- give those back!”

“Oh, I will,” Kakashi assured him, “but I have some…demands.”

“You’re holding my hair-ties ransom. You’re unbelievable.”

“Firstly, you-”

“I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

“-let me wash your hair,” Kakashi finished.

“Ew. Why?” Iruka made a face. “That’s just an excuse to get me naked, you creep.” Kakashi huffed impatiently.

“You don’t have to get naked, just take your shirt off-”

“And then I’m already halfway there. Forget it.”

“-and then I’ll bend you over the bathroom sink and-”

“I SAID FORGET IT!” Iruka exploded, his face flushing a near-match of his hair-tie. “I have two jobs! I spend all day at the Academy babysitting children who are trying to kill each other, and then all night at the Mission Desk babysitting Jounin trying to kill each other. I don’t have time for stupid things like treating my hair with the ninja art of deep conditioning.”

“Then you’re not getting your hair-ties back,” Kakashi said with finality, squaring his shoulders.

“You know what? Keep them.” Iruka turned away in a huff. “I’ll just go buy more.” And with that, he stormed away. Kakashi narrowed his eyes.

“We’ll see about that,” he muttered, hands flashing quickly in a series of signs. Several clones puffed into existence and with a short word, dispersed on their newest mission.

---

“The HELL do you mean, out of stock?!” Iruka shouted at the store clerk in outrage. The man flinched back in fear, cowering behind the counter.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Ninja, sir, but someone came in not five minutes ago and bought the whole lot of hair-ties,” he babbled. “Every single one! We won’t be getting more in another shipment until-”

“Okay, fine, whatever,” Iruka cut him off, mind working furiously. “I’ll take… rubber bands. String. I don’t care, I’ll buy it.”

The clerk simply stared at him in mute horror, eyes wide. Iruka sighed.

“…They bought all of those, too, didn’t they?”

“…Yes, yes they did.”

Iruka paused, a sudden suspicion dawning on him.

“This person didn’t happen to have ridiculous silver hair and a mask, did they?”

The eyes went even wider, threatening to pop out. “Please don’t kill me,” the clerk whispered.

“Calm down, it’s not your fault. I’ll just…” Iruka chewed on his lip, mentally mapping out Konoha and his other prospects. “I’ll try elsewhere. Thank you.”

But it was the same story at every shop in Konoha.

So Iruka changed tactics. Not that it made any difference.

It didn’t matter who he begged one off of (Anko, Ino, even Shikamaru, who rolled his eyes in exasperation, as if he wasn’t embarrassed enough already), within five minutes it had either magically disappeared or snapped for no reason and his hair flopped back down over his eyes, prickly and annoying- not that Kakashi had a point or anything.

Even his own home wasn’t safe. Iruka didn’t know how, but someone had snuck in and removed everything that could even potentially serve as a hair tie, even rags and bandages. Iruka suspected Kakashi had won over Naruto with promises of all-you-can-eat ramen. He had half a mind to bring his complaint to the Hokage herself, before realizing she would probably find it hilarious and cackle like a loon for hours. So, no. Better to just deal with it himself.

---

Iruka was a hard man to break, Kakashi would give him that. After a whole week of this charade and no sign of the sensei’s resolve weakening, he’d earned his respect. But it couldn’t last forever. He had to give up at some point. Everyone had their limit. Kakashi smirked, raising a hand to study the red band still wrapped around his pinky. Yes, any minute now…

“I’m not going to break, so piss off!” Iruka shouted from inside his apartment. Kakashi, who’d been sitting on the roof, jumped. The man was more perceptive than he’d thought. His respect went up another notch.

“You sure about that?” he asked, popping his head in through the window. It was Iruka’s turn to jump. Then he swore, grabbed him by the vest, and hauled him inside the apartment, which was just as messy and unkempt as his hair. Because, you know, two jobs or whatever. Kakashi caught sight of a pair of pink boxers splayed on the couch before Iruka spun him around to glare point-blank in his face.  

“What the hell do you even care if my hair isn’t perfect? Life is not a fucking shampoo commercial,” he demanded. Kakashi shrugged.

“I had expectations. Dreams. How dare you break my fragile, innocent heart.” He swooned and clutched his chest dramatically.

“I’m gonna break something else of yours in a minute.” Iruka scowled at him, stewing in fury. “It’s none of your business, anyway. My hair, my choice. Deal with it.”

“I refuse.” Kakashi glared right back, refusing to stand down. “It’s a matter of honor.”

“Oh, please! Like yours is any better!” Iruka burst out, stepping forward to plunge his hands into Kakashi’s thick mane. “You’re always out on a mission, don’t tell me you have the time to- merciful God it’s like I’m petting one of those fluffy Inazuka dogs.” Iruka stared at him in shock. “How the hell do you get it so soft and silky? Haircare no Jutsu?”

“Don’t be silly,” Kakashi scoffed. Iruka just gave him a flat stare. “…Alright, yes, I infuse my shampoo with a little chakra for extra volume. Sue me.”

“I’m considering it, after all the harassment,” Iruka muttered darkly, his hands still in Kakashi’s hair. Kakashi had to fight back a shudder of pleasure as his fingertips scraped across a particularly sensitive area. Finally Iruka removed his hands (Kakashi stifling a disappointed whimper) and frowned in consternation. “…I just have to let you wash my hair once?”

“Sure,” Kakashi answered with a nod. “…And then you are legally obligated to follow a strict hair-care routine dictated by me-”

“ONCE.” Iruka held up a finger, expression firm. “That’s it. That’s the deal. Then you leave me alone.”

Kakashi weighed his options. He could keep running around Konoha, using up his chakra on clones and buying up every bit of material that could serve as a hair-tie, following Iruka around till he was old and even grayer and broke.  

…Or he could just wash his hair right now and be done with it.

“Alright, fine,” he agreed. “Let me wash your hair and we’re good.” Rather than look triumphant like he expected, Iruka hesitated, biting his lip uneasily and dropping his gaze to the floor.

“…Promise you won’t take advantage of me,” he said, voice quiet and serious for once.

Kakashi solemnly placed a hand over his heart. “I promise.”

And then Iruka took his shirt off and Kakashi had never regretted making a promise more in his LIFE. He truly was that tan all over, with white scars scattered here and there like constellations, accentuating the toned muscles and hard flesh.

“Oh, wait,” Iruka said, “what am I thinking? You probably need to go to your place and get-” Kakashi wordlessly held up his shampoo and conditioner bottles. Iruka blinked. “…Of fucking course.”

---

Iruka’s bathroom was just as untidy as the rest of the apartment, half-empty three-in-one shampoo bottles and dirty clothes strewn everywhere. For some reason, the fact that he was a complete slob did nothing to detract from Kakashi’s burgeoning attraction to the man.

“If you please,” Kakashi said politely, rolling up his sleeves and nodding towards the sink.

“I am not tipping,” Iruka sniffed haughtily as he stepped forward. His eyes lingered on Kakashi’s bared hands and arms for a moment before jerking away. He leaned over the sink, which, thankfully, seemed large enough to accommodate an impromptu hair-washing. Kakashi turned the tap on, careful to adjust the water temperature to a pleasant degree, then eased Iruka forward into the spray with a gentle hand. The other man grumbled, but kept still as Kakashi thoroughly wetted his hair, careful to get every bit. When he was satisfied, he pulled out his shampoo and poured a dollop into one hand, paused, then poured some more. Might as well make it count.

“Hurry up, I’m getting water up my nose,” Iruka muttered, head still under the spray. “And water all over the rest of me, too.”

“Yeah, sorry.” Kakashi forced himself to concentrate on washing Iruka’s hair and not his glistening, muscled back. He sank his fingers deep into the dry, bristly hair and scrubbed gently, lathering up the soap, making sure to pay special attention to the scalp and roots.

The shampoo was his own special recipe, imbued with his own personal chakra for extra strength and luster. He rinsed it out after several minutes, then applied the conditioner. After one more rinse, he was done, and he stepped back, allowing Iruka to straighten. Kakashi turned away to find a towel, snatched the cleanest-looking one from a shelf, and turned back.

I’ve made a horrible mistake, Kakashi realized immediately. I can’t let others see him like this. He’s too beautiful.

Iruka on a bad day was a knockout. Iruka, gloriously shirtless and gleaming, with his wet hair pooling like ink around his face and shoulders, was a vision fit for the Gods. Kakashi stood frozen, tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth.

Unaware of the other man’s dilemma, Iruka raked a hand through his hair, pushing the wet strands off his face. Kakashi gulped, his throat suddenly dry and tight. A long, tense pause drew out between the two of them like a taut bow-string.

“What the hell are you waiting for?”

“…Huh?” Kakashi stared at him, blinking.

“Make a move already, you idiot.” Iruka stood there in his shirtless glory, arms crossed over his tanned chest, wet, glistening hair framing his face. “You’ve already got me half-naked and everything.”

Kakashi sputtered incoherently for a few seconds, shaking his head.

“I...I can't, I promised-” he choked out.

“Oh my God come here.” Iruka grabbed Kakashi by the front of his shirt and reeled him in like a prize catch. Kakashi did his part, gaping at him like a fish, wide-eyed in shock. Iruka scoffed, then leaned in close enough for their lips to brush teasingly. “I never promised not to take advantage of you, dumbass.”

Kakashi was not about to argue.

---

Years later, he still kept the red band around his pinky, right next to the wedding ring that winked in the sunlight.

-End-

Months ago, I was chosen to be a pinch-hitter for the Kakairuzine (I would step in if someone had to leave), so I completed two fics in case they were needed. Since they aren’t, I might as well upload them here. This is the second and final fic. Enjoy!

[ancharan]

What did Madara think about Obito? I never could tell. Did he think he was a brat?

honestly this is a gonna be a weird one anon but

by the time madara meets obito in canon - like, crushed under a rock obito and old man madara - i think he’s so far gone from the concept of actually forming connections to human beings that he literally just does not care if obito lives or dies? like, madara, by this point, has explicitly said that he views the current world as a distraction from the world to come. everything he does now is for the sake of bringing about the eternal tsukyomi. madara’s been literally deliberately isolating himself in a cave for the past 80 years and meditating on the transience of the human experience. he’s been killed by the only man he ever loved, he’s cut off every tie he’s ever had with any other human being, and - as far as anyone knows - he is dead. he’s the ghost of the uchiha. madara is running out of time. he needs obito for his plans - failing that, another agent who can carry out his will under his name - because he’s old as hell and he’s dying. he’s been surviving out of sheer necessity, bc he has to see this plan through to the end - if the world isn’t granted the eternal tsukyomi then it means everything he fought and sacrificed for was done in vain. it would mean that he broke hashirama’s heart for nothing. so yeah, madara probably has bigger things on his mind when obito’s in the cave than whether or not the kid was annoying him. i think he probably felt bad for him. not just bc his friend died and his other friend got Trauma (tm), but bc obito still hadn’t come to the same realization madara had. obito still had the capacity to feel pain, which was something madara had forced hashirama to carve out of him at the valley of the end (because how could anything hurt madara now, after that?”) i think the pity madara feels for obito is the same pity he feels for all mankind, because they haven’t seen what he’s seen, and they don’t know that there is a solution. they’re still lashed to the karmic wheel, whereas madara’s broken free. that’s why he can justify doing things like (somehow) arranging for rin to be captured by the rain or whoever and kakashi having a Trauma Moment (tm) which triggers obito’s own Trauma Moment (tm)

(ignoring the fact that this entire setup is fucking ridiculous, i know madara cops to it in canon, but how the fuck did this dead man arrange for the capture of this girl and somehow convince this city-state to put their bijuu in her as some kind of suicide bomb, that’s such a stupid fucking twist of conjecture, how the hell did he - he’s tied to the fucking god tree it makes no sense)

when he’s reincarnated, i think that’s a different story, lol. the first thing madara does when he comes back is say how pissed he is that obito fucked everything up so badly. there wasn’t supposed to be a war, he wasn’t supposed to come back as an edo tensei, hashirama wasn’t supposed to be there - it’s all a mess. so madara at this point probably views obito as a (kind of inept) subordinate. someone you gave the keys to your house while you were on vacation, and u asked them to feed the dog, and when you come back not only is your dog gone but there’s a fucking cockatiel in the living room and when u ask him “what did you do with my dog” he just points at the cockatiel and is like “but this is what u wanted right” and ur like NO i just wanted u to take care of things while i was gone and hes like “but i DID” and it just goes downhill from there

but yeah no again, i think during the 4th shinobi war madara sees obito as a chess piece to be used to bring about his reincarnation - and that’s it. he just keeps doing shit, tho, and its honestly pissing madara off bc obito’s not supposed to consume the bijuu, obito’s not supposed to succumb to the talk-no-jutsu, obito DEFINITELY isnt supposed to try and betray him at the last second

if we’re talking personality-wise, in an au that DOESN’T involve madara disassociating so hard it summons a moon god, i honestly think he’d be like. a cool scary uncle to child obito. bc one of my more Controversial Madara Theories is that he’s actually okay w kids? like, only on his side. he, personally, has no problem w kids. (kids just have a problem w him bc he’s fucking terrifying lmao it’s uchiha madara). but once obito (as a child) gets over that, i feel like madara and him would get up to some Schemes. madara would not only help obito graffiti the hokage monument, but he would buy him the paints to do so. it’s a chakra exercise in walking on cliffs, lmao. as an adult obito, i think madara would have an okay working relationship w him? i don’t think he’d be super close w him for the same reason madara isn’t super close with anybody: he’s too fucking powerful to make meaningful human connections with people who aren’t senju hashirama. he literally has nothing in common with this dude lmao. i think he wouldnt dislike him? madara likes it when ppl look up to him, and i think obito would look up to him in the right conditions, so there’s some foundation for a relationship there. honestly, at the end of it all, i think the Peak madara-obito relationship is “Cool Scary Uncle” and “Too Friendly and Incompetent To Survive On His Own Nephew”

[fallenqueen2]

Seeing The Unseen [NaruShika]

When Naruto and Shikamaru turn 16, they gain the ability to see their soulmate’s Daemon.

Ao3 Link

Naruto was jolted out of his sleep by something heavy landing on his chest. Naruto was a second away from jumping up onto his feet, hand curled his Kunai ready for the attack but something stopped him. It wasn’t exactly a concrete feeling, but whatever had just landed on him was safe to every part of him and even the Kyuubi stayed silent, which was rare nowadays as he and Jiraiya were working on accessing his powers.

Naruto opened his eyes and was greeted by the most adorable small jet-black kitten that was curled up on his chest. The kitten was already fast asleep and was gently purring as it rose and fell with the rise and fall of Naruto’s chest.

“Oh,” Naruto whispered as he carefully, slowly cupped his hand around the small kitten and an amazed smile crossed his lips as he gently stroked the soft fur.

“What’s going on brat?” Jiraiya rumbled as he rolled onto his side, eyes blinking slowly to look at his student.

“I…My soulmate’s Daemon.” Naruto was in shock and awe as the kitten slept on unaware of the storm of emotions that it just unlocked inside of the 16-year old.

“Yeah? Congrats kid, what does it look like?” Jiraiya asked curiously as he pushed himself up into a sitting position.

Only the two souls that were meant for each other could see their Daemon’s, well up until the two souls connect and then the Daemon’s would become visible.

Naruto knew that for sure as had been present when Iruka-Sensei had met Kakashi-Sensei and a large silver furred dog with one eye covered and a small brown-furred dog with a scar over its nose came into view, tackling the other happily and both of his Sensei’s had turned a bright red colour as they stared at the other in shock and happiness. Naruto and his team had to a lot of threatening that day, after all, Kakashi-Sensei was a pervert and Iruka-Sensei was amazing, but it seems it turned out okay for them after everything.

“A black kitten, it’s so cute and small,” Naruto said in a shaky voice, as his vision got blurry before he used his free hand to swipe at his eyes.

“Cute and small… What’s wrong kid?” Jiraiya didn’t remember crying when his appeared on his 16th birthday.

“I just… I didn’t think I was going to have a soulmate.” Naruto admitted as he stayed lying down, unwilling to move lest it woke his soulmate’s Daemon up and this all disappeared like a dream.

“What? Why?” Jiraiya was awake now and had a bad feeling in his gut as he watched Naruto stare at his chest with wide, glassy eyes.

“I’m me, a Jinchūriki. I just… I just didn’t think I had one.” Naruto admitted, forcing back the horrid memories of his childhood and all the cruel villagers hurting him, mocking him, telling him that no one would want a monster as a soulmate. Some things he had managed to move past but that one thing, that he wouldn’t have a soulmate, that no one would want him stuck with him.

“Jinchūriki or not, everyone has one. You deserve the happiness that your soulmate can give you, don’t doubt that Naruto.” Jiraiya set his hand on Naruto’s hair, messing it up playfully earning a familiar yelp and pout. Naruto couldn’t help but smile as the kitten on his chest peeled one brown eye and stared at him offended that Naruto had disturbed his sleep.

Naruto cradled the Daemon to his chest as he stood up and giggled as the kitten yawned cutely before scaling his shoulders and plopped down onto his head, making itself comfortable in Naruto’s spiky hair.

“It’s sleeping on my head,” Naruto informed his amused Sensei who was looking at him with fondness that Naruto wasn’t sure was directed at him.

“That makes things easier,” Jiraiya mused before he set about gathering their things up so they could leave.

Naruto lifted his hand and gently scratched the Daemon who purred happily in return and Naruto felt happier and lighter than he had in a very long time.

For days this feeling stayed burning in his chest and his fondness for his soulmate’s lazy Daemon. The kitten barely walked if it could manage to get Naruto to carry him somehow and Naruto would rarely say no, in fact, he fully enjoyed having his soulmate’s Daemon cradled in his arms or draped over his head.

However, when it came time for another session of trying to get the Kyuubi under control, the Daemon was pacing and hissing impatiently from across the clearing as the violent red Chakra whipped around Naruto and the blond fought to control it.

Naruto was only half aware of what was happening as he wrestled for control over the Kyuubi’s angry Chakra and could only dig his newly formed claws into the dirt below him. Jiraiya staggered up from where he hit a tree when one of the tails had lashed out against him.

Naruto, however, became very aware when his soulmate’s Daemon lunged across the clearing towards him and panic bubbled up in his throat at the mere thought of hurting it, hurting his soulmate and getting rejected just as he feared he would be.

His soulmate’s Daemon stood its ground, hair raised on end as it stared down Naruto and the Kyuubi with intense brown eyes. The kitten was suddenly covered in darkness as it shifted and morphed until it was the size of a panther, but the roar it let out was one that rivaled the Kyuubi.

Naruto felt the Kyuubi’s hold on him slip and that was all he needed to yank control back to his side and slam the gates shut between them. Naruto gasped and panted as he collapsed onto the ground, steam rising off of him as the Kyuubi’s Chakra faded away.

Naruto huffed when a familiar tongue touched his cheek and he managed to turn his head to the side to look up at the panther.

“Kage,” Naruto whispered finally deciding on a name and something he had been missing about the kitten, or rather panther cub clicked into place and Naruto passed out with Kage curling around him protectively.

~~/~~

Shikamaru never really made a big deal of his birthday, but he could honestly say that he would have preferred not to be leaping from tree to tree to avoid some hunter-nin on his heels. Shikamaru had once again become a decoy to lead the hunter-nin away from the rest of his team. Shikamaru wasn’t sure why he had agreed to that if he was being honest, but he didn’t have much time left to think about it.

Shikamaru swore as the branch he was about to land on broke in half thanks to one of the hunter-nin’s blowing it to pieces with a fire Jutsu. Shikamaru twisted in the air and managed to land on his feet on the ground below. Shikamaru took off in a different direction, eyes darting side to side as blurry shapes of the hunter-nin overtook him.

Shikamaru skidded to a stop just as Kunai’s dug into the dirt inches away from his feet.

“It was brave if not suicidal of you to act as a decoy,” one of the hunter-nin called out, respect in his tone even as he and the rest of his team unsheathed their Kanata’s from their backs. Shikamaru winced at the sharp blades and weighed his options. Not many of them were left as he heaved a sigh, tipping his head back to look at the night sky.

Shikamaru was coming to terms with his death on the same day he was born when someplace a clock struck the same time he had been born and the world around Shikamaru shifted.

Shikamaru was shaken off balance and landed harshly on his back as a large cloud of smoke engulfed the area. Shikamaru knew that some Daemon’s liked to make dramatic entrances; it depended on whose soul they were representing. Shikamaru had to assume that his soulmate was extra dramatic as he coughed some smoke out of his lungs.

“Oh my God,” Shikamaru whispered in shock as the smoke was flung away by nine large golden foxtails. The golden furred fox was the size of a mountain at the least and roared angrily at the hunter-nin who took one look at the massive distortion and echo of a roar that Shikamaru’s soulmate’s Daemon and took off into the forest. They knew better than to take on a massive and pissed off Daemon, they may be invisible but they could still touch and hurt those who are a threat.

The giant nine tails grunted in approval before its head turned and easily found Shikamaru. The fox’s tails flared out as if it was preening as Shikamaru stared up at it slack-jawed. Shikamaru’s limbs felt like jello and he refused to try to stand as the Daemon preened and showed off for Shikamaru.

The fox let out an earth-shaking roar before it glowed as bright as the sun and Shikamaru soon had his arms full of a smaller version of the golden nine tails. It purred as it nuzzled against Shikamaru’s cheek, tails swaying happily as Shikamaru held it closer on reflex.

“What?” Shikamaru stared at the now content mini nine tail fox curled up against his chest.

“The Kyuubi, a golden Kyuubi is my soulmate’s Daemon… That means…Naruto?” Shikamaru whispered as the pieces fell into place for him and the fox gave a pleased yip before licking his cheek playfully.

“This is going to be so troublesome, I suppose I should at least give you a name?” Shikamaru felt something warm spread in his chest at the thought that Naruto was his soulmate. Shikamaru gently pet the soft gold fur and felt a smile appear when the fox wiggled happily and blinked up at him with familiar blue eyes, hell even the whisker marks where present.

“Taiyō, the Sun.” Shikamaru decided and Taiyō yipped in approval before it clambered up to settle on Shikamaru’s shoulder, it’s small nine tails curling around his neck like a scarf.

“Let’s go find my team and go home, does that sound good Taiyō?��� Shikamaru rose to his feet, glad his limbs had returned to normal and he wasn’t being hunted any longer.

Taiyō chirped and nuzzled his cheek again before turning its blue eyes towards the sky almost forlornly. Shikamaru understood almost at once what Taiyō was feeling as he felt it more often than not, which looking back should have been a major clue to who his soulmate was.

“He’ll be home soon,” Shikamaru patted Taiyō’s head, unsure if his words were truthful or not but he hoped he was right as he took to the tree’s again to meet his team at their pre-set meeting point.

~~/~~

Shikamaru had kept what form his soulmate’s Daemon had taken to himself. He knew most weren’t aware of Naruto housing the Kyuubi and it wasn’t Shikamaru’s place to reveal that. Shikamaru had grown accustomed to Taiyō wrapped around his shoulders and neck like an oversized, affectionate scarf or bouncing around at his side like a hyperactive pup. What Shikamaru hadn’t expected for Taiyō to leap off his shoulder while he was talking with Temari and bite at his pant leg, pulling him intently towards a certain street.

“Whoa, calm down!” Shikamaru muttered as he stumbled after the suddenly excited fox, waving awkwardly at Temari who was watching amused as Shikamaru was dragged away by his soulmate’s Daemon.

“Taiyō, seriously!” Shikamaru warned after he almost fell flat on his face as he was dragged around a corner.

“Kage, come back here! You’re usually so lazy, why are you now running?” A familiar if not deep voice rang out and Shikamaru froze as Naruto came into view. Naruto froze when his eyes landed on Shikamaru at the end of the small street that both of them had been dragged too.

Shikamaru could only blink as Taiyō lunged forward and the air shifted to reveal a small black cub of some sort collided with Taiyō. The two small animals yipping and nuzzling each other happily as they reunited.

“Shikamaru?” Naruto’s voice was quiet and unsure.

“…Welcome home Naruto,” Shikamaru followed Taiyō’s example and went to greet his soulmate.

“You’re… You’re really my soulmate?” Naruto’s voice was shaky as he stared at Shikamaru wide-eyed as Shikamaru stopped in front of him.

“I’ve been waiting for you to come back home for a while,” Shikamaru placed his hand on a whiskered cheek and smiled when Naruto shuddered even as he nuzzled the other’s palm much like Taiyō does.

“I…Yeah, I’m home.” Naruto sounded choked up, but Shikamaru couldn’t blame him, his throat was closing up a bit as well. Having Naruto here was like coming home in every possible way.

Naruto leaned forward and a smile crossed his lips as Shikamaru’s forehead pressed against his and their hands somehow found each other, twining together as their Daemons’ mirrored them and curled around each other finally content and complete.

~~/~~

I am undertaking the task of creating a ShikaNaru event, so please take some time and fill out this survey and think about joining the event :)

https://shikanaruweekend.tumblr.com/post/619579786207117312/shikamaru-nara-naruto-uzumaki-weekend

[bestnarutoduo]

Propaganda

Dynamic Marking

Dog pissing on you no-jutsu

Submitter cannot imagine how harrowing the emotional experience of getting pissed on mid fight is. Like losing is one thing, but…man 

It’s just a dog peeing on you

Body Replacement Technique: Orochimaru Version

What the heck Orochimaru? 

So gross

He can regenerate!? 

Heal every wound!

But he also litterally has to vomit out of his own body to do it

How did he think of this technique (snake summons???***)

Seem’s to have a thing for vomiting things up (snakes, sword)

Submitter wishes they could have seen Jiraiya and Tsunade’s reactions to seeing this shit

[mansionofmuses]

Alright fuck it I figured it's time to put my nuts in the ring when it comes to writing up rwde reviews about shiddy writing.

I already made a post about how closure doesn't exist in rwby, so that SHOULD trim this a bit. Hopefully.

These last two of seasons of rwby have been ASS and idk even know where to start. So lemme do some character progressions instead of jumping all over the place. Let's start with my fav: Neo. And I'll be as unbiased as possible.

Starting from v6, she came back and teamed up with Cinder. Cool? Cool. Fair enough. V7 onwards she's been treated like a BITCH by Cinder and has visibly shown her disdain for that on screen. And yet she still chooses to hang with her? Why? Like... Genuinely why? Is Neo not like the stealth queen? And the driver of a thousand vehicles? Why does she even need Cinder? Could she not have just jacked an airship herself, flown to Atlas after getting the info from Cinder, and began her hunt there? Instead she's just some minion to her now? Okay fine so let's say their team up makes sense in some odd world. Why the fuck would Neo agree to go to Cinder in the Satan Whale? Why? Why the fuck is she there? After being denied multiple times to get to Ruby and even being treated like shit with visible disdain, she should have absolutely left with a middle finger to Cinder. But nope. We get to see her be visibly uncomfortable in this cult and clearly wants out. Which she does, so good shit. She snatches the lamp and heads out. Fair enough, I guess? I don't know why the fuck she trusts Cinder to go back to her after being treated like shit. After Cinder's doodoo attitude towards her, Neo should be like "wow maybe she's lying to me about roman lemme check with this genie bitch" but no. And don't say "oh well she can't talk so jinn wouldn't be able to answer her." Fuck that. 1. I should hope that the password wouldn't be so ableist against mute people. 2. Neo's resourceful as hell. Text to speech and boom. There ya go. Instead she goes back to Cinder like a lost puppy after being shown multiple times how much she hates her. Why the fuck does she need Cinder to get to Ruby? I have no fucking idea! And then everyone's favorite scene. I know I know she killed Blake's hip atta-- I mean character devel-- I mean Yang. That scene. Was doodoo. And I'll get into more intricacies about it much later. But for now, why the hell was Neo so sloppy in that assassination? Like gurl you revealed yourself so early from, apparently so far away? Pretend to be a passerby with everything disguised (I saw that lamp) impale her and boom. Done. Not sure why she went for a slash either when a thrusting weapons like that would be best for a quicker impale. It would have made any on screen death so much more confirmed instead of up in the air bullshit.

Next we have Ironwood. Oh James. How far you've fallen. I don't really understand what the hell they're doing with this character any more. Like... At all. I fully expect him to turn into the joker and join salem at this point lmfao. At first he was complex, but cool, right? Ok a stern leader who still wants to help people and see team rwby in beacon grow and be successful. Fair enough. Then came v4 and he was like "hey yang. Heard about the arm. Here ya go homie." That was pretty cool to give to a young veteran. Fair enough. But good god once v7 hit, everything just went haywire. He started making the dumbest decisions. Kind of. I understand how he's like "aite let's sack mantle to ensure atlas lives cause otherwise both parties will be dead." except idk why he didn't just make a plan to evacuate everyone to mantle first but whatever. I mean team rwby did it like... In a day? Shouldn't have been hard. Then he started losing his fucking mind. There was an entire thing about trust issues and plans (ngl I didn't care enough to pay much attention) and he ends up wanting to arrest the kids more than actually stopping Salem. Like homie. Why. You have a gang of strong ass hunters on your side, don't just throw that away. They could say "acab fuck the police anarchy reigns" and you should still keep them just to fight literal satan on your doorstep. But he fucking drops everything and resources and materials on arresting them. Like why???? And then he just shoots a child just because? And he goes around full fascist mode and his character is just gone at that point. He literally actively wants to kill the people of Mantle now instead of stopping Salem and I don't fucking get it. He could literally plot with salem about how to nuke mantle and I'd be like "shoulda seen it coming". And then when he gets outta jail he kills Jacques... Just cause? Like why? I understand Jacques let Salem's forces in and eventually led to this shit show, but like... Atlas was falling. Just leave. I don't understand. But I guess it's to show how hateful he is towards those who oppose him, so whatever. Idk I'm so done with him. This man is just so boring I just can't wait for him to get killed off so we can be done with him. I'm sure I missed a fuckload of intricacies about Ironwood but I really don't care at all about this schmuck.

Next on the shitlist is the entirety of team rwby. Just to compact it all into one. Ruby has been getting on my nerves SO much. She is so holier than thou and always right. If she had just openly talked with Ironwood about all these secrets and shit, none of this would be happening. Yeah there would be panic, but homie what's the alternative? Fight in secrecy against the police and Salem?

"hey Ruby I noticed that lamp you keep hanging around. What is that?"

"oh uhhhh definitely not a grimm magnet HAHAHAHAH"

Like no shit everyone's gonna be pissed when you lie to them and keep these secrets. Also these plans are dogshit. "We gotta get a message out." To who??? The rest of the world is gonna see some lil kid be like "hey Ironwood's gone crazy and some evil witch bitch is here tryna kill us all." Like who are they gonna believe? A random girl or the fact that ironwood is the head of the largest military state in the world? For all they know it's just some prank and it's totally unbelievable.

Team RWBY sippin team for v8 and doing nothing all volume? Nice. "But they needed to protect Nora." You mean to tell me Ruby, May, Blake, and Weiss all had to be there to protect someone. The Grimm attacked once and that was it. You guys have no medical history. At all. All you did was wrap her up and drink tea during the volume where there's a literal war happening outside. You don't just "wait for help" you ARE THE HELP you're hunters you fucks! Go out and get shit done. Have like one person stay behind just in case shit goes wrong. Preferably Weiss so she can have those meaningful conversations with her family members she never fucking had. But whatever. Ruby and Yang get into... A fight? That lasts for five seconds when they leave and then when they see each other again it just doesn't matter so I'm not sure why the fuck it was brought up at all. It had no impact whatsoever. And there's a ton more I'm sure I'm just burning out at this point. But let's just talk about the big shit. Yang's death. Everyone's saying she'll come back because plot armor but I'm in the "I genuinely think she's dead" group. She turned to Dust as she fell. I mean who knows maybe Deus Ex machina rears it's convenient head. I hate hate hate how that scene was done. That was such an unbelievable death. Weiss, Ruby, and even Blake all have ways of catching her. Easily. Weiss has like fifty ways of catching someone between summons and semblance. Ruby can teleport around the world. And Blake can just shadow clone jutsu her way there but WHATEVER. I guess everyone was too busy being nerfed and sucking ass. Again. And the reactions? Dog shit. Even when she sacrifices herself for Ruby, it's still all about the bees. It's so genuinely annoying. Ruby just whispers her sisters name and that's pretty much it aside from a >:( face here and there. Weiss doesn't even grieve she just comforts Blake who's losing her shit. And I don't know why Weiss doesn't grieve cause SHE WAS HER HOMIE TOO LIKE C'MON RT LET'S SEE SOME UGLY SOBBING DAMN so now everyone's gone feral (except Weiss who just doesn't give a shit about Yang apparently.) And despite Blake saying "yo let's not kill people aite Yang?" She's gonna say fuck that and have it out for Neo and Cinder out of revenge. Alright I guess. That's fair honestly. Challenging ones own morals based on emotions. Good enough. But god I just wished we could see more from Ruby and Weiss during that. Also I'm so sick of the "oh this character fell are they dead are they not?" Thing that rt keeps doing. Just have Neo impale her and go. Easy as that. On screen confirmation. I'm sure team RWBY has a fuckload more to crit but I'm done with this topic.

Winter. Bootlicking to the extreme that she casts aside her own sister and doesn't care if her friends die. Nice. No closure at all after she turns back to being a good guy I guess. I'm done with her. Not a whole lot to say.

The aceops are just so dumb. I'm done with them. Everytime they talk about genocide for the good of atlas I'm just rolling my eyes. Just say you're fascists and move on. And idk why the fuck harriet is gonna bomb an empty mantle. Atlas is already falling on it, you literally have no reason to do this. And this plot point is stupid as hell. Next.

Cinder. I'm not sure why they decided to randomly drop her background story into the mix. Like I don't think anyone gives a shit after all the crap she's done. I'm so sick of rt trying to make her some "uwu woe is me" woobie after doing so much shit and killing so many people. Her uwu crying moments are just stupid. Honestly watts is one of my fav characters just for telling her how crappy she is. Next

Hazel. Homie is dumb as hell. He hates Ozpin because his sister died in a mission. Fair enough. Why the fuck would you ever join Grimm Hitler when Grimm are what killed her in the first place??? Like??? Just hate him on your own time dude, jesus. And he is consistently hypocritical and it's so stupidly funny how bad this character is.

"HOW MANY MORE CHILDREN WILL YOU HURT OZPIN" as he beats the piss outta Nora, Ren, RWBY, Oscar, and probably some random five year old on the street while shouting OZPIIIIN to the skies. It also didn't take a whole lot to convince him how stupid he was thank god. His character was so cool in design and in theory but good god he got executed soooo fucking poorly. Kinda glad he's dead just so we don't have to deal with his stupidity. Next.

Emerald. This bitch. I can't. I LOVE how easily rwby just forgave her. It was so stupidly funny. "oh but yang was ready to fight her at first and snatched her weapons" yeah for five fucking minutes. Then came the part where she helped stabilize Penny and gave a half assed speech about switching sides. Meanwhile everyone's just magically forgiving of her like OH THAT EMERALD AHAHAH like she didn't help orchestrate the fall of Beacon, the death of many, including Penny, and all the terrible shit that's gone down. No resentment from RWBY except for my favorite line delivered this volume. It was Weiss's ever so beautiful "SHUT UP" LOL (I play Smite and I love how her VVGQ Quiet voice line sounds the same. So when I heard this line, I thought of Smite and immediately laughed. Kudos to you Weiss.)

Salem. The hound attacked Penny in the mansion... Why? You already established connection with Watts in jail. Did he not tell her "ay she cool with us." And in turn did she not tell him "ay she cool with us don't hit her"? I guess not? Cause the hound and penny shoulda bounced together the second they met up lmao. Other than that, salem's done nothing this volume except try to be scary and get her ass beat by hazel. She could easily just go out in the field with her grimm and blasts some people or SOMETHING GOD so far our main villain is just so boring and unimposing that literally every other villain, including her subordinates, feel more like threats than her.

Now I'll just talk about scenes.

The scene with ambrosius was COATED IN CONVENIENCE. Apparently Ozpin didn't tell the gang about the WinMore button they could just fucking walk to until now because??? Idk. I LOVE how team rwby just assumed that penny would be okay when they took her robot parts out. Realistically she should just be a floating husk of aura and nothingness. Like she never had organs. I don't understand how she's a real person now? Which, by the way, I'm pretty fucking insulted about how they handled that. Why make Penny human? She was already a real girl and accepted by her loved ones. Like shit, she was a character that a LOT of transgirls, myself included, could relate to on a personal level and we LOVED how Ruby handled it in v2. It was cute! It was sweet! She said she was a real girl back then and it made all of our collective kokoros go doki doki. Fun stuff!

But now? It feels like none of that was validated until she got an actual human body. Like damn I wish I could just get my ideal body within seconds. Shit. I've seen and heard a lot of upset from my fellow tgirls about how doodoo that scene was, because it's implying penny wasn't a real girl until after she got her human body and that's probably how most of the rwby fandom is gonna see it too. "oh wow penny's a real girl now!" And just forget Ruby's cute speech in v2. So annoying. Minor nitpick, if she's got the aura of a black man inside of her (her father), and her robot body is gone, why the fuck isn't she black? Like? Idk minor nitpick I guess. But anyways back to ambrosius scene. I love how rwby had the answers for everything within the hours worth of planning they were given by Ironwood's motive. Totes believable. And yet the "one way ticket to vacuo" thing was the simplest shit they could have avoided lmfao. Like THAT is what you trip up on? Not the portals you're trying to make or the assumption that penny lives without her robot parts? Insane. (side note: how did oscar have a flashback to that scene if he wasn't even there?)

And now everyone's favorite scene. Yangs death. Already covered it early I just wanted to add more on. This scene is insane. Like... If they actually go through with killing her (i don't see how she could have survived turning into dust) then roosterteeth is dumber than I gave them credit for. Like... They have to realize the shitstorm they're gonna receive right? First they kill off clover, an lgbt+ coded character. Next is Yang? A main character who is WIDELY loved by all. Apart of their most pandered ship in existence: bees. (Both the ship and the character make them so much money in merch btw so this was stupid from an objective standpoint.) You can't just kill a main character that is heavily lgbt+ coded in THE most popular ship in the show. Like... How dumb can they be? They're gonna lose so many fans at the very least. Sales? Down. Death threats? Way up. It would be astonishing if they weren't up to their necks in shit in backlash by that decision. Bury Your Gays trope strikes again folks. But this time with everyone's favorite! Like I just... Idk that decision was stupid and that scene hardly was given any real pomp or circumstance it deserved. She's a major title character and that scene lasted like a minute lmao. It's gonna be RWBY without the Y. RWB. As in rt is a bunch of rubes for making that decision. A cynical part of me thinks they did that just because they want an excuse to off Neo, another really loved character. (Well if everyone hates her now we can kill her off cause god knows we don't know what to do with her), but I'm not gonna make this about her. I honestly don't know how to feel about this death tbh. On one hand it's shitty and *points to essay above*. On another it lets Blake be her own character for once. We get to see who she is on our own. And we can finally shift gears from The Bees Show featuring Some Plot to RWBY without the Y. But again that scene was done horribly with doodoo writing already explained up above. They're gonna use this as some edgy excuse to have the heroes start killing again or grieve or whatever bullshit shock value.

(now that I think of it tho, Neo shoulda killed yang in v2. How the fuck did Raven know she was finna die again. Lmao)

Anyways, that's my two cents. I'm sure there's so much more I forgot. Love or hate my ramble idc these are just my thoughts. I'm sure I made doodoo arguments at some points so feel free to call me an idiot and point them out. Imma bounce. My fingers fucking hurt lmfao

[sonorous-cicada]

Shisui Uchiha’s Journal #2

Journal Entry #21 June 27th 

There was this stray dog that lived near the Uchiha compound. Last year, she tore up Yui-obaa’s flower beds while chasing a rabbit. I decided to name her Chika, scattered flowers. Actually, I let Itachi name her when I took her in. He picked some lofty name, I don’t even remember what it was, but it did not fit her at all. She’s a good dog. Every time I come home from a mission she starts following me around from the gates to the Hokage tower then back to the compound. I trained her to piss on Elder Daichi’s leg whenever he walks past our engawa. I, of course, think that it’s hilarious. Itachi didn’t think so. He thought it was ‘childish’. I saw him slip her a treat the next time she did it, though. 

Chika’s pregnant right now. Hana-chan thinks she got knocked up by some Inuzuka out for a joy run. Apparently the pups have more chakra than normal pups would have. Sasuke-chan keeps begging me for one of them. Unfortunately for the squirt, if they’re Inuzuka, they have to go back to their clan. I suppose if one of them doesn't have the potential to manipulate chakra, then he could have one. Sasuke would love that. He keeps talking about it like he already has a pup. It's adorable, really. You know who also loves dogs? Itachi. He loves all animals, really. Anything. Crows, cats, dogs, weasels. Ha. I kid on that last part, of course.

We had a mission a few months ago where the enemy’s jutsu started to destroy the forest. Anyway, we were running through the tree branches, just trying to get the hell out of there when we see this bird nest with baby birds just sitting there with the mama bird. And Itachi being Itachi could not just leave well enough alone, no. This guy took the entire nest, mama and all and just ran for it. It was sweet, in a way. He's always doing stuff like that. Saving baby birds, kittens, puppies. He's actually the one that discovered my dog.

She was just a mangy thing when we found her. Hana-chan gave us a cream for the mange and agreed to dogsit when I was on missions. She's come a long way, but she's a good girl and so worth it. I'm actually sitting in a tree branch right now. We're waiting for some sort of patrol that intel said would head up this way. I picked her up this ridiculous bow in Tea Country. It's pink. I might even ask Mikoto-oba to sew some sequins on it for extra pizazz. Girls like that kind of stuff and she's worth it.

Itachi would think I'm being ridiculous, spending so much time on this dog. But she's a good girl. She really is. My father never allowed us to have a pet. He thought they were too dirty. Sometimes I wish that I could just move away with Itachi somewhere secluded and silent. I imagine us living unremarkable lives with no last name. Away from all of this drama. In my fantasy, though, it's just us.

I would love to own a pet store or even a feed store. I think in another life Itachi would have loved to be a chef or a scholar. Can you imagine that? Everyday I would lock up the shop and come home to him hovering over his books. The smell of paper and ink in the air. He might look a little frustrated at being unable to piece together some ancient manuscript. Maybe I'd buy dango on the way home. Nah, that'd actually be a bad idea. He would never risk getting the historic papers and parchments sticky. He's picky like that. He might come visit me in the shop after doing his research for the day. Maybe we could stock dog bones together or hell, I don't know, dragon feed or something.

Do they make dragon feed? I've seen a lot of crazy things in this world, it wouldn't surprise me. Dr. Yamanaka gave me a prompt list. I was supposed to write today about "what motivated me to keep living". Apparently I'm on some sort of suicide watch list. It's somewhat insulting, really. So the answer to Dr. Psycho-bull is this: Itachi, Sasuke and my dog. They keep me going. They motivate me. I want to keep living for them. I want to watch my dog run through the training grounds and knock over a bunch of genin. I want to wake up in the mornings with Itachi. I want to rub my knuckles in Sasuke's hair just to see him turn that tomato red.

July 2nd update: She had her pups! There were four in the litter total, three boys and one girl. Two of the boys and girl were able to mold chakra. Sasuke was beside himself when he found out the fourth pup, a boy, was normal. He named him Shiro. Unimaginative, in my opinion, it is the fourth pup, after all. It made the kid happy, though. That's what matters. It made my boyfriend smile too. That was rare and worth all the gold in the world.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Itachi held back the tears in his eyes and looked towards the stars. He remembered that day. He remembered the dog giving birth. In his will, Shisui had left the dog to Hana. The man knew that Itachi never had time for a dog. As busy as Shisui was, Itachi was busier. He also didn't have any other friends who could care for a dog... Kakashi-senpai's pack lived in the summons realm and Chika could not. Sometimes when he was at his lowest, Itachi would visit Chika. He would throw the glittery pink ball and give her a new ribbon. How could he not? Shisui loved that dog, and he will always love Shisui.

Tucking the worn leather book under his mattress, he closed his eyes and fell to sleep.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

AN: If you have the thyme, help water the fandom garden and drop a line ;) Comments help the garden grow. Thank you for reading!!!! I’m gonna try and post one a day until July 15th. 

Hana refers to Hana Inuzuka, Kiba’s elder sister, the veterinarian. Shiro is Itachi and Sasuke’s pet dog in canon.

Cross posted to Ao3 and Ffn.net ;)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24729784/chapters/59882332#workskin

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13616731/1/Shisui-Uchiha-s-Journal

[celticfeather]

Akatsuki Fanfic: Campfires

On: FF  Ao3   Tumblr

First. 1. Dawn

Previous: 4. Slaughter’s Court

Campfires chapter 5: Kraken Hall

-Hoshigaki Kisame-

Thukk.

Right by his ear. His awakened eyes slid right. The tag of a paper bomb waved from a kunai.

Kisame sprung away in the fraction of a second before its detonation. Adrenaline damped pain: his neck and shoulder had been torn open, he did not know how much. His priority was seizing a few seconds of distance and time.

Midleap he looked for the boy, he was gone, the white cloth that bound him a twisting ribbon snaking to the forest floor.

Flickers manifested into crouching shapes on tree branches. Their animal masks denoted the Anbu of the Hidden Leaf, though the rogues were outside the Leaf's territory. The masks' inset eyes were round and black like a shark's, but leaf ninja moved like ghostly gray leopards. The assailants were three ninja: two men, one woman, and a ninja hound.

He had to get them out of the trees, the leaf ninja the advantage there. They met him on the ground. He grasped Samehada's hilt, and from the reserves of stolen chakra, his steaming flesh began to rapidly regrow where it was damaged. He grinned at the three masked ninja.

"Tell me, am I next to Itachi in your bingo book?"

There was no answer and a lightning jutsu struck at Kisame then. Huge and white and it sucked the air from the ground. He let it strike along Samehada, most of it was absorbed and channeled along the sword's scales, with the rest of the lightning shocking off into something behind him.

He felt Samehada purr. Or perhaps it was more like a stomach growling. As the leaf ninja stared in disbelief, he smashed the sword into someone's body, the shock traveled up his arms, and the exhilaration of combat flooded him.

He quickly dispatched the other two ninja with crushing strikes from his sword. Then the dog sprung at him. Dogs were not pets in the Mist. He grabbed the beast by its forelegs and winched them apart.

One, two, three, dog, down. Done.

He stepped forward to the bodies to make sure the job was finished, but his limbs didn't obey him. He looked down, an ink black shadow had reached to his foot, and somehow he could not move. One of the crumpled men he'd thought dead had wielded a shadow like a tentacle. He tried to budge his leg,

Kisame struggled against the bind. He could move slightly. A few more seconds of fighting and he would break free. He stared inevitable death at the man, and Kisame did not smile.

At that moment a shape, small and angular, inspective and fearless as a crow beside a carcass, appeared beside the crumpled Anbu. The Anbu's head turned to regard the sudden darkness over his shoulder.

"Uchiha...Itachi..."

Well? Kisame wondered of his partner. What will you do?

Itachi's red eyes looked deeply into the mask. Kisame could not know what nightmare was shared. But what he did see was Itachi's kunai strike. The tentacle around Kisame's leg uncoiled, and the fight was over.

Kisame wondered what summoned the assailants. Like a bird Itachi was so visually focused. Last night he had allowed for no fires, no loud noises. But as fine as his sharingan was, it could never see a scent. From their skirmish hours before, the boy smelled like a bloodbath. And Kisame, feeling responsible, knew that he should have been wiser.

Itachi stepped to each of the three corpses and lifted their painted masks. He stared into their faces.

"No member of the Leaf's two ninja hound clans are among these dead," the former Leaf ninja said.

Kisame's eyes slid suspiciously to the surrounding forest. So, their main course was elsewhere.

Then Itachi placed the masks back on. To face the afterworld as they lived, he supposed. The sanctity of a human body never really mattered to Kisame. Dead meat was dead meat. He accepted none of the people in this clearing, alive or not, would ever receive a proper funeral.

Itachi parsed signs and raised a hand. Dozen of crows and ravens and hulking raptors bigger than cats arrived from somewhere. The birds were fearsome, but lightweights by nature, and Kisame wondered what a bird did with a human pelvis.

"You know what doesn't leave bones?" Kisame suggested.

Itachi's expression did not change.

"Sharks."

Icy Itachi looked at his expectant wards and then at Kisame. "Leave them the hound."

Kisame lifted the human bodies and threw them into the river, and summoned four freshwater tolerant sharks. At a scarcely perceptible twitch of Itachi's finger the obedient ravens plunged. His bull sharks needed no such instruction, and when one did not not focus closely, the splashing sounded peaceable in comparison. The ravens, social and hierarchical, argued noisily with each other over the best positions. With a businesslike demeanor, the two ninja turned their backs to the clamor of devouring.

"The Leaf will have sent a second jounin squad after us. I will reroute them," Itachi said.

Itachi intended to bait an informed jounin team alone, in his condition, and probably half his unimpressive chakra with a shadow clone.

Kisame smiled. "Still slightly suicidal, I see."

"I expect no problems."

"Are you gonna say something to me about last night? Or are you just gonna let it fester?" Kisame said.

Itachi's eyes were sharp. "Do you want me to apologize for attempting suicide? Or for abusing you?"

"I want you to acknowledge that you looked into my head, revived my dead-sister's dead-kid, impregnated her, and stabbed her through the spine. To try to get me to kill you, because you decided that you can't cope with the fact that you're a killer. Have I got that right?"

Itachi continued aloofly. "I am different from all of you. Senseless killing bothers me deeply."

"You are so elitist. You think I wasn't bothered by it? You think when I was a boy, I wanted this?" Kisame gestured at himself, huge and beastly and covered in scars.

Itachi was midstride, but he stopped at Kisame's words. Kisame continued menacingly.

"I grew up in the Blood-Mist Village. I was younger than you when I became a killer. I have no family, no purpose, and almost no friends. So what I want to know, Itachi, is why you don't accept it like the rest of us."

"I can deal with the fact that I'm a killer. What I could not accept last night, Kisame, is my continuing existence in the Akatsuki causing dozens of unnecessary deaths. But whatever. It doesn't matter- you were right anyway. Ending myself is not going to solve this problem. It must be fought directly."

"Directly?" Kisame repeated. The word insinuated rebellion. Wars were won with less manpower than that would require for a rebellion against the Akatsuki, and Kisame knew he was under orders to take Itachi out if he did so.

Wisely, Itachi did not elaborate. The dark haired young man looked somewhere and Kisame followed his gaze down. The dog was just a skeleton. The winged scavengers took the bones in their slender beaks and flew away with them.

"We must leave now," Itachi said.

Kisame stepped onto the now-still water to hide his tracks and scent. He showed the scroll between his knuckles. "I'll start Kakuzu's other mission," he said gruffly.

"Hm."

Only a few wind-trembling feathers testified what happened at the scene, and the two ninja vanished with the wind that scattered them.

—Uchiha Itachi—

Itachi broke a twig between his fingers. In this moist climate, a twig would not have snapped naturally. The Anbu would halt to discuss the stick for a few precious moments and come to the same conclusion. Animals could leave smears in the moss. But only ninja leave decoys. Even if they did not have a second dog, they would know it was him.

But these Anbu would have another dog. No Inuzuka had been among the dead. No Hatake had been among the dead...

Ninja who abandon the rules are scum. But ninja who abandon their comrades are worse than scum.

Itachi thought he had embodied the persona of cold parricide. Apparently not. His ruse of coldness had been translucent as ocean water. Strange round, silver and black eyes regarded him from his memory:

You might just be the only friend I've ever had.

He had been cruel to manipulate his partner last night. Kisame had been uncomfortable fighting him, even as easy as Itachi planned to make it. He would find Kisame and apologize properly for his manipulative attempt. Maybe he could convince him to spare some of the bandits, Kisame probably would probably kill most of them if he did not interfere. Itachi hated these Akatsuki kill missions: Kakuzu, Pain, could just try and punish him for leaving some people alive after the goal was achieved. Kisame was right. Death would not solve the problem of Itachi's existence; he would have to think his way out.

That was far enough to cost the Anbu the necessary time. He parsed signs for a shadow clone, and his double unceremoniously continued forward. Last he tested, he could be separate from his clone for two kilometers before it disappeared. The real Itachi jumped some twenty meters to the water, expecting that if he did not touch solid matter, his scent would vanish in seconds in the air.

But he was not sure. He did not see his world through scent. He threw a final glance towards the past, towards the Anbu, towards his old captain Kakashi, then ignited his sharingan and focused on the way before him. Now, to track Kisame.

—Hoshigaki Kisame—

Kisame lowered the hand-drawn map and stared at the island that filled its place on the horizon. It was a fine little place for a bandit camp.

He stepped across the ocean water to where the stolen wooden skiffs crowded the island's white sand shore. He found the cave entrance by smell. Men: those lazy brutes had taken to pissing where they ate.

He walked into the tunnel. It would be inconvenient to swing Samehada in such a small place, but he did not expect the bandits would want to stay there long. Someone saw him and asked him a question. Kisame shoved their head into the wall and kept walking deeper into the cave. The scroll's task had been to 'eliminate the bandit threat,' and he would do that in the way he decided most enjoyable and convenient.

Two bigshots argued in the common area, surrounded by lower members. The two leaders raised swords at him, but he twisted their arms around, and thrust one into the blade of the other. Then the screams started. He threw the trembling survivor to the ground and stepped on his neck. A surrounding man threw a knife, Kisame returned it.

A woman called her comrades to flee. The remaining members streamed around him, out of the cave, down the beach, and Kisame stalked after the prey unhurriedly. They untethered their rowboats and launched them into the waves, running astride their vessels, tossing oars to each other.

He wet his feet in the surf and shed his robe on the beach. A grin slit his lips. He parsed a few signs and a water dragon overturned the skiffs and spilled their human cargo into the sea. He let Samehada's spiked pommel embed in the skin of his palm. What a terrible day to be a pirate, he thought as the cool tide sloshed against his now-sandpaper hide.

He smashed a skiff with a whip of his tail. The electricity in his snout fired ablaze, they were so alive, so frantic, so afraid. This prey was small, a tenth of his weight, almost small enough to swallow whole. Their tender bones waned and crunched in his jaws. He'd bite, tear, release when the muscles flexed limp, and bite the next thing that moved. The blood was intoxicating, heavy, arousing. The meat in his mouth did not taste bad.

He pictured Itachi. The cruel face he made last night shined in his mind's eye. With his grinning teeth and the weasel look in his bloodthirsty, fight-hungry eyes. Bring out Samehada!

An impulse occurred to him. He had not done that before. But that did not mean he could not start. He was frightfully hungry. A chemical of frenzied excitement flooded his brain, no longer fully human, at the prospect.

He identified a target. He sank into the depths for a pregnant moment. Then he snapped the red-muscled braided whip of his tail, shot dart-fast towards the surface, and a second before he breached, yawned wide a razored chasm of death.

—-—

Kisame staggered human out of the waves. He descended from the fogging rausch, the tremendous high. His hands trembled from ecstasy, from shock, from disbelief.

An uncomfortable feeling plagued him. It was the first time in fifteen years that he felt it. Not quite fear, not quite cold, but it gripped him around the chest like those. It was the unfamiliar realization that, maybe, he had done something wicked.

He swung Samehada off his body and flung it viciously against a palm tree, and he leered at it with shark teeth bared.

"Look what you made me do!"

The words felt hollow when they became reality. He knew better than to decry an object. It was not Samehada's fault, it was not Itachi's fault. The deed had been his alone. He knew not which god to pray to forgiveness, or demon for sanctuary.

"Holy Buddha, Amaterasu, Susanoo, fuck it, Jashin, anybody."

He knelt on the sand.

"Why did I do that?"

Kisame's gods, as always, remained silent.

Looking at the familiarity of his own limbs made him want to retch, but he knew retching would not absolve his sin. He did not know the physics of it. If he ate something big, and then he shrank back down to normal size. But he felt gorged and sick and he could not bear the thought of eating. He could not bear the thought of meat, of flesh. Of muscles pulling under skin, of intricate ligaments gently meshed to slippery bones... He looked away from his own body and towards the ocean horizon.

He did not indulge in the sleep his exhausted body craved. He sat on the beach, feeling strangely nervous. He let the surf wash coolly over him, but it brought little relief. Something brushed by his hand on a wave. He feared what it could be. He held it in front of his face to eclipse the setting sun, but it was just a harmless abalone sea shell, and the iridescent mother-of-pearl material glittered gently like mica in his hand.

He stood up from the surf and took Samehada off the tree. The moment he did, he was blasted with the instrument's chakra sensing ability. Itachi was tracking him, and a shock of unease probed him: he did not want to see Itachi right now.

Water crested around his ankles. He rubbed the smooth abalone shard with his thumb like a netsuke. He felt the sharingan-wielder nearing and decided it would be too much effort to evade him.

"Hey." A pause. "Bandits are taken care of?"

"Yeah."

"Do we have bodies to dispose of?"

"No."

Itachi had speared two fish next to a burning, salt-blue piece of driftwood. "You want some?"

"I'm not hungry."

Itachi's vivisecting black eyes probed him. Or maybe it was just a normal look. Kisame feared what he could see with those eyes, if he could read inside his mind, and pluck his nightmares into reality, like he had with Akaei.

Itachi waved his hand. "Come sit by me."

Kisame sat by him.

"Kisame, I'm sorry I attacked you last night. I thought a world minus me was for the best."

"Itachi, the day men like you are the bad ones, is the day this world has gone to shit," he said.

"I manipulated you, and I terrorized you, and I tried to kill myself. Do you forgive me?"

"Yeah. But do it again, I'll..." bite you in half, he would have said to someone else, sometime else, but he found his usual bravado unappetizing. "Don't do it again."

"Thank you, Kisame."

Itachi ate alone, neatly and quietly. Kisame stared at the abalone shard and stroked it between his thumb and finger. It was smooth and flat and not quite triangular, like a tooth, or maybe a teardrop.

"I did something I regret today, Itachi," Kisame eventually said.

Itachi looked over the moon-streaked water. "At times it's hard to live with our crimes. But we need to understand that we are worthy of our own acceptance."

Did he know? Maybe. Maybe those eyes saw every thought Kisame had ever thought. But Itachi did not grasp the crux of the incident that troubled Kisame.

"It felt good."

Now Itachi understood the severity of the problem. The young man bridged his hands before his nose and closed his eyes, and stayed quiet. Somehow Itachi's recognition sobered Kisame.

"I understand if you want to spend a few days away from me, or want to leave altogether," Kisame said.

"If you're sorry, I'll forgive you."

Kisame raised a calm eyebrow, looking down at his sea shell. This was different from Itachi's crime. "I'm not sure this is yours to forgive."

"Then, I accept you."

He contemplated the sentiment. Unlike forgiveness, acceptance invoked no debt, no guilt, and nothing to prove. There was nothing about it he could interpret as ingenuine or undeserved. It was merely a validation of his existence. He did not ask for forgiveness, or was so forward as to say he deserved it. Acceptance… Kisame liked that.

Itachi's eyes slid to the object in Kisame's upturned palm. "What is that?"

"It's an abalone shell." He passed it to his partner.

Itachi's eyes flashed red for a second and he smiled small. "It's beautiful. It has many unique colors, ones humans cannot even see. What kind of animal lived in it?"

"An abalone is a big, ugly, sea snail the size of a rat that eats slime."

"The universe is wise, how even such a wretched creature must not stay ugly at its core, is it not?"

"You can have it if you want," Kisame said. Itachi was a small, pretty man who seemed to like small, pretty things.

Itachi handed it back. "I think you'd better keep it."

He turned the silvery rainbow shard around in his palm. Yes. He would keep it, to remind him of the stupid, ugly, scum-eating, ocean creature that Itachi decided was still beautiful. He was glad Itachi found him this night. He would be miserable alone. The two ninja sat before the glow of the salt-blue flames, and stared up at the thick belt of stars.

"If you're not a bad person, and you've hated killing in the Akatsuki the whole time, why did you decide after this mission to off yourself?" Kisame asked.

"Utilitarian ethics. I had a goal, but I realized that fewer people will die if I was dead."

"Avoiding physical trauma… it might not be the most ethical thing, you know," Kisame said.

Itachi gave him a doubting look. He was starting to not be terrible at reading Itachi's expressions.

"Have you ever thought about what makes you happy?"

"Rarely," Itachi said.

"Maybe this eye of the moon scheme can make the world a better place for people like us," Kisame said.

Kisame noted Itachi's flinch. Of course Itachi would know, he and their leader were related, after all, but it was a privilege for Kisame to know the secret of the Akatsuki's true plan, the Eye of the Moon.

The Uchiha looked at him intensely. "You know the truth."

"That our leader is Uchiha Madara? Yes. He recruited me personally," Kisame said.

"Even I… was not strong enough to kill the Uchiha clan alone. Madara helped me do it."

Itachi's lips were uncharacteristically loose, and Kisame, always a hunter, identified when to act. "History paints Madara as a fanatic for his clan. Why would he cull his own legacy?"

"Some sixty years ago, Madara thought the Uchiha betrayed him when we wanted peace alongside the Senju."

"Then maybe it makes sense for him to kill his clan. But you… I can't explain why you'd do it."

The silence hung. Itachi did not relieve it with an explanation. Kisame's luck had run out and Itachi returned taciturn.

Kisame looked around. It was well into the night. Itachi probably did not like this exposed beach for a campsite. "Where should we sleep?"

Itachi signaled their departure by standing. "I noted a possibility on my way."

Kisame looked out into the blackness. "You can see in this?"

Red eyes gleamed. "Moderately."

Kisame took a torch from the fire for himself, washed the evidence into the waves, and followed Itachi.

With the starfield and ocean on his left, Kisame followed the small swift shadow through the dark hemisphere along the rocky coast. Itachi sprang down the sharp rocks with the same limberness of the Leaf Anbu, and he realized the boy had spent his formative years among their ranks. Kisame felt somewhat clumsier, hindered by the dark and a torch. They found themselves in a tidal cave which overlooked the sea, with shallow tide pools on its sharp floor. He peered into one: an octopus wilted into the cracks at his face.

"Need we be concerned about the tide?" Itachi asked him.

Kisame noted the lack of algae on the wall and the height of the moon. "No."

Itachi leaned his back against the sharp wall and let his legs sink. Kisame doused his torch in an unoccupied tidepool. With the moonlight that reflected in flashing tortoise-shells from the ocean, he could see the silver edge of Itachi's short, angular face.

Itachi stared at him for a moment, as if deciding to say something. He said, "Good night, Kisame."

Kisame was caught off guard. But he too formed his lips around the strange words. "Good night, Itachi."

Itachi closed his eyes and Kisame leaned himself on the wall opposite him. But now Kisame was watchful, and for a while he stayed awake to the sounds of waves. Comforting, hollow sounds, that like the breaths of ghosts, reminded him of a home that no longer existed.

Author's Note:

Thanks for reading!

I am looking for a new Beta for this story. If you are 18+ and might be interested in looking over this story with me for style and plot, please write me a message. I'd love to have a partner to make this piece as strong as it can be. Thanks!

And if you like reading this, please do let me know your thoughts!

Steadfast,

Kelto

[arachcobra]

Naruto Episode 3, 4 and 5 Review

Whom toils for the bell

Review of Naruto Episode 3, 4 and 5: Sasuke and Sakura: Friend or Foe?, Pass or Fail: Survival Test and You Failed! Kakashi's Final Decision

ArachCobra

Before anything else, I should mention the intro. It's quite nice. The music is good and the visuals tell a neat little story. A good intro that I could easily imagine drawing people in.

So we start off with Naruto's morning routine and upon seeing this, a question pops up. Who takes care of this kid? I mean, we haven't really followed his home-life up until now, so the question has just been hanging in the air, but now it comes to the fore. You could argue that Naruto can at this point live on his own. He is expected to be in the military, after all.

And fine, that's a good argument. But who took care of him until then? Did they just throw baby Naruto into an apartment and say: “Come back in six years when you're ready for school, kid.” Someone must have been Naruto's caretaker, yet this person is strangely absent.

So Naruto goes to school, stopping only to have a short talk with Konohamaru.

Somewhere else, Sakura leaves for school too, only to meet her bitchy rival Ino. The two then engage in a power-walk duel.

In school, we quickly learn that every girl hast the hots for Sasuke, the brooding boy with the black hair and thousand mile stare. So of course, everyone in the room with a vagina is fighting over him like dogs over a piece of beef, despite him quite clearly not giving a single fuck about any of them. I've never experienced anything like this personally in real life, but I guess it's not entirely unrealistic.

The only exception to this is Hinata who's completely into Naruto instead, but he was to get close to Sakura instead. It's a mess, to say the least. Of course, Sakura doesn't care about him, even violently showing him aside so she can chat with Sasuke, in a move I'm sure will endear her to the viewers.

Anyway, Naruto, for some reason, climbs up on a table so he can glare at Sasuke, because Naruto wants to bet he one drowning in women. But then he gets pushed and the two share their first kiss.

Awkward.

And then all the girls, except Hinata, just straight up mauls Naruto for daring to be in an accident. Because every woman in class except little miss Shrinking Violet was apparently under the belief that they were entitled to be the first to swap mouth water with Sasuke and that Naruto has stolen it from them.

You know, I actually feel kinda sorry for Sasuke here, what with the way he's being objectified as this here vaunted prize that the girls are fighting, violently even, to get ahold of.

So while Naruto is nursing his shattered skeleton, Iruka comes in and designates teams, with Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke being on the same team, which causes Naruto to yell, in the middle of class, about why someone as great as him should be on a team with someone like Sasuke.

These diplomatic skills and self-reflective values will no doubt do him good as future hokage.

Anyway, the reason is that to balance the team ,they've put the worst student(Naruto) with the best(Sasuke). And Sakura... Well... I guess she's there.

So after this the episode decides that it's time for shenanigans.

And by shenanigans, I mean that Naruto violently ambushes and assaults Sasuke, then steals his form so that he can try and use it to get it on with Sakura, only to be struck by diarrhea due to drinking bad milk, resulting in more misunderstandings and violence.

Unwarranted violence, attempted rape(Rape by deception.) and toilet humor. Isnøt this just the height of comedy.

Now, before anyone tells me that it's just a series of joke and I shouldn't take this serious, remember that this is all still supposed to happen in universe. Being “a joke” doesn't magically eject the scene from existing alongside everything else and what we see is a very disturbing side of Naruto.

Maybe he really was left to raise himself from chilhood and that's why he's developed these deranged tendencies.

The episode mercifully ends and we go to the next, where we start with Kakashi, their new ninja group teacher, showing up late, resulting in him beaing pranked by Naruto.

Kakashi is this extremely chill dude who's not afraid to call the trio out on their bullshit. He's such a great character.

So he takes them away to get their introductions. Naruto's is pretty much what we expect. Then we get to Sakura, who keeps blushing and glancing at Sasuke while trying to say what or who she likes. You can practically hear the gushing of vaginal fluids.

And then she finishes of by declaring she doesn't like Naruto. I don't blame her. After the last episode, I'm not too fond of him either.

Sasuke's intro is great, if only because it's hilarious. “I don't like anything and I dislike a lot.” He's moments away from declaring that he takes his coffee black, LIKE HIS SOUL! And when he talks about his motivation, he declares that he will kill “a certain someone.” Mostly because the author hadn't figured out yet who that was. So that sounds really hilarious. At least in-universe, Naruto is uncertain who he's talking about.

So Kakashi talks about a test they will be put through and the next day, all three show up early in the morning, tired and sleepy.

Well, except Sasuke. Because he's supposed to be cool.

So hours later Kakashi shows up and gives them the rundown.

Meanwhile, Iruka is having tea with the Hokage, concerned for Naruto. This scene is actually split up in multiple smaller parts, spread across this and the next episode. Which gives the impression that the two are spending hours, slowly talking, not helped by the background suddenly changing. We also learn that Kakashi has had dozens of teams in the past, none of which ever succeeded in passing his test. Which seems maybe just a tad bit unbelievable, especially considering that he's only 26.

Back in the field, Sasuke and Sakura have gone into hiding to look for an opening. Naruto on the other hand is out in the open, loudly challenging Kakashi to a fight. Because Naruto has apparently misunderstood what being a ninja is all about.

It's not like his attempts work out. Kakashi is just too good. And he he shoves both his fingers up into Naruto's ass hard enough to launch the kid into a nearby river.

Yep.

So then Narutoo actually manages to outwit Kakashi by using his clones, attack with a full squad and having an extra clone ambush Kakashi. Well, until the man magically switches place with a clone, which causes the Naruto army to succumb to infighting.

Then Naruto spots a bell lying in the grass and instantly think he knocked it loose, only to be hoisted into a tree by a snare.

You see, Naruto isn't very smart.

Then, as Kakashi emerges from hiding, Sasuke strikes with the most stupid looking long-range assault ever. First, he throws his weapon out in a fan, despite him trying to hit one specific target. Then all the projectiles veers to the right, like a flock of migrating geese changing course, and then slams left into Kakashi. Then, to continue the stupid, Kakashi doesn't even look like he gets hit. It looks more like he was standing on a wheel and the projectiles showed him to the side. And then, despite being hit in the side, we suddenly see him flying backwards in this weird wavy way that is probably meant to look like slow-mo, but instead makes it look like Kakashi turned into a balloon.

And then he turns into a log.

Thanks to the microphone in Sasuke's head, we get a full analysis of what this technique is all about. I'm not sure why Sasuke would think this, but it sure does keep us viewers informed.

So then we switch to Sakura, who's ambushed and hypnotised by Kakashi.

Naruto gets caught by the second snare in the tree, which you would have though he'd have noticed from his vantage point.

And the Kakashi fights Sasuke in what is actually a pretty cool sequence, except Kakashi has to shill Sasuke by being amazed by his fighting and surprised by his jutsu.

He's still beaten, left in the ground for Sakura to dig up.

Naruto tries to steal the food, but Kakashi catches him.

And after Sakura digs Sasuke up, she worries that he will get a bell and she won't separating them. So she suggests they should just give up. Gee, that's real love right there. “I'm so clingy that I'd rather have you redo an entire year instead of risking our lives not being fully fucking synchronized.”

So the test ends and Kakashi straigt up spells it out for them that they failed to demonstrate teamwork, all the while tearing into them for all the mistakes they made. It's awesome.

So Kakashi gives them another chance, and if that was his plan from the get go, I feel like he should not have explained the teamwork part yet.

So the three decide to team up by having Sakura feed the tied up Naruto(Which he seems a little too happy about), only for Kakashi to explode onto the scene with a hilarious war-cry of “YOUUUUUU!” Then he summons a goddamn thunderstorm to set the mood, because Kakashi wants you to know he's the best character so far. When the three stand up to him and stick with each other, he lets them pass.

And then the yall walk happily into the sunset.

Except Naruto. He's still tied up.

Great teamwork right there.

Okay, so the first episode is not good. In fact, the second half makes it awful. The humour doesn't work, the characters behave abhorrently and the toilet humour is cringe as Hell. I can heartily recommend skipping the rest once teams have been assigned.

The two episodes covering the bell test works a lot better, with some awesome fight scenes, Kakashi being funny and some good insight into how difficult it can be to be a ninja. Though I can't help but notice that both Naruto and Sasuke got to attempt to take a bell, whereas Sakura was just kinda ambushed and left behind. It feels kinda... Uneven. But besides that and some minor goofs, the episodes are quite good.

Givenea

Episode 3

Was this episode written to piss me off? Because if so, it’s working.

Let’s split this up to talk a few parts: Naruto, Sasuke and Sakura.

Firstly, Naruto has over the last few episodes been established as this loathsome little squirt with few redeeming qualities, (see the former reviews for clarification) and here this reaches critical levels.

His kiss with Sasuke was an accident and so I’ll not cry sexual assault on that one. I will however cry assault later when he, well, assaults Sasuke in order to tie him up so he can steal his form and sexually assault Sakura. And yes, as disguising yourself or your identity to sleep with them is rape, doing the same for a kiss is sexual assault. But such antics aren’t out of character for Naruto and he has yet to, and will never to my knowledge, be called out on it.

Oh, and the only thing that stops him, is being physically unable to go through with it do to a bout of diarrhea. So, he has no qualms assaulting his crush. This does not speak in his favor. 

Then there’s Sasuke and Sakura, they are afforded two characteristics each.

Sasuke broods and we see a glint of something that could be a sense of honor towards Naruto. Let me elaborate on that one. When he and Sakura meet up, he asks what she thinks of Naruto and she berates him and notes upon Naruto being parentless as a reason for this. SASUKE CHEWS HER OUT FOR THIS. By actions this guy is already pretty likeable. More of this please.

Sakura crushes on Sasuke, hates Naruto. The first seems a pretty standard prepubescent crush, so let’s not dwell on that, though she seems way more occupied with it than good is. Her dislike of Naruto is by herself attributed to Naruto being annoying, though with the behavior we see out of him that is a pretty mild sentiment. As she says him being “annoying” is due to him not having parents and given the attitude said to be held by the adults of the village: I’d call it obvious that her hatred is partly do to an influence from her parents that she was never quite aware of. But, more importantly when Sasuke calls her out on this, she realizes her wrongdoing and makes a conscious effort to be nicer to Naruto. Even if this doesn’t stick initially, it lays the ground for character development. More of that please.

Besides, I’d rather watch these two develop, work past their issues and become a well working team, than spend one more minute observing Naruto be an asshole. Less of this please

Episode 4-5

This episode introduces Kakashi. He steals pretty much every scene he is in. More Kakashi please.

Two major themes: a focus on teamwork and the harshness of the ninja world, are introduced. And rather well actually.

The first them is showcased through dialog during the test mostly, but the test does show how necessary it is to work together.

The later is really hammered home with Kakashi’s speech at the memorial stone, it is a really great emotional moment, and the three kids’ reaction shows just how unprepared they were for this reality

The show also does a really good job at showcasing the hurdles each character must overcome to become a good team. 

Naruto must learn to trust as well as stop and think before rushing in.

Sasuke must learn to respect his comrades and work with them.

Sakura must learn to consider both of her teammates equally and not let her crush on Sasuke blind her to the task at hand.

I generally just like these two episodes, they’re full of good setup for what is to come for these characters.

Fluttersniper13

Well, really, there wasn't much there but the most intense love affair between two girls ever and girls beating the shit out of Naruto. All I can remember of that episode.

Then there's the test. Some cringe, but Kakashi is cool, even if he seems to like bad touching his students. Then there's more fighting, cringe and then it's over. And then there was that hilariously dumb scream. And yeah, that's about it.

(Link to chapter: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13125294/3/Naruto-Rewrite-1-Road-to-Ninja)

[fineillsignup]

In your opinion, what ninjas career would each of the K12 excel in? Like who would go into ANBU, the Interrogation Unit, etc.? And why? (This is all assuming that they each got the character development they deserved.)

I love this question so much that I’m letting it jump straight to the head of the line, because I’m going to answer self-indulgently according to my Your Most Important Person universe headcanons. Hope this doesn’t bug you Anon.

Edit: Oh, these could be considered spoilers for my fic I guess? I honestly don’t think they have much to do with the plot of YMIP itself, which derives its narrative tension elsewhere.

Naruto became Hokage. His birthday, once a horrible day for him where he was alone and everyone was remembering the fox attack, is now an international day of celebration of the end of the Fourth Ninja War. He spends the holiday with family and friends. He’s an unconventional Hokage because he does very little actual bureaucratic work; that’s left to others who are better at it. Instead, Naruto applies his idiosyncratic problem solving to old issues and uses his charisma and charm (and sometimes fists) to make people work together.

Sakura is head of the Konoha Hospital, which quickly becomes the pioneer of medical research in the ninja world. Ninja and civilian medical students from all over come to Konoha to learn medicine, as well as patients. Sakura relies on Shizune to run the bureaucratic side of the hospital. Tsunade comes by and helps when she’s not on vacation and/or laying low from debt collectors.

Hinata married Kankurou in this universe. She blossoms in Suna, where as Sabaku no Hinata she is free from the oppressive expectations of being “Hinata-sama the Hyuuga heiress”. She balances a full family life with discreet diplomatic actions to ease lingering tensions between Suna and Konoha. She also consults at the hospital where her Byakugan is very useful for diagnosing and treating various conditions.

Kiba is the guy who wonders why everyone else is settling down. He continues to be an active ninja. He becomes a tokubetsu jounin specializing in search and rescue with Akamaru, who remains a vital and energetic dog for many many many years, like Kiba’s mother’s dog did, so why the hell wouldn’t Akamaru, other than to make me, personally, pissed off? Argh. Ahem.

Shino married Karin in this universe. THEY ARE THE FUCKING SCARIEST SENSOR TEAM IMAGINABLE. They both become Leaf jounin. When they are not on missions, they pursue their hobbies of collecting exotic insects and perfumes. Shino also becomes head of his clan eventually. Their children, with Uzumaki chakra reserves for the insects to feed on, are nicknamed the “Million Mini-Tailed Beasts jinchuuriki” because the amount and power of the insects they are able to host are jinchuuriki-level scary.

Ino has some difficulty in her twenties trying to do too much. She’s helping integrate ROOT and analyze ANBU, she has young kids, she’s running the flower shop, she’s running the clan, she’s at the hospital, she’s at T&I–this girl NEVER STOPS. It’s too much for any one person but it’s really hard because she genuinely wants to do all of those things. Eventually her loved ones make her see reason and she pares back greatly, letting her mother and some other kin take over the flower shop and only doing hospital work when called in for issues that need Yamanaka mind jutsu. She works up from tokujo to jounin. There is a shake-up of Konoha’s internal organization when Naruto is Hokage, Torture and Interrogation is closed down (among other old units) and Ino is named head of the new Internal Affairs bureau, which is kind of like the FBI.

Chouji requests early retirement and opens up a shinobi-focused restaurant, in addition to heading up his clan. His kids, however, are more energetic personalities that take after their mother Anko, so this isn’t the end of InoShikaCho.

Shikamaru is Naruto’s right-hand man and chief advisor, spearheading the bureaucratic side of the office and making sure every task is delegated to the right person. Eventually when Naruto retires Shikamaru becomes head of the External Affairs bureau (like the CIA).

Tenten in this universe lost a leg in the Fourth Ninja War but she has it replaced with a prosthetic that soon becomes her signature weapon. She ends up inventing a slew of prosthetic-related jutsus, using her summoning prowess to swap legs on the fly, then expands it to mechanical enhancements of her other limbs and basically eventually Tenten is able to transform into a mecha ok. She becomes fully as famous as Tsunade and a jounin, eventually becoming a jounin sensei as well.

Rock Lee wanted to become a jounin sensei but faced the limitation that most of his students would need to learn ninjutsu and genjutsu but couldn’t do so from him. So instead he regularly teaches taijutsu lessons at the academy and develops a Youth Club, which is open to both shinobi and civilian children. More non-chakra users become inspired to learn taijutsu from his example.

Neji didn’t die and he becomes the leader of the Hyuuga clan. His passion becomes political activism. He is behind the constitutional reformations in Konoha and he is responsible also, under Naruto’s term as Hokage, integrating Konoha with the Land of Fire de jure rather than just de facto (eg spelling out how tax support of Konoha shinobi works and how ordinary people can access needed shinobi services and so on). Naruto strongarms him into becoming a jounin sensei for a while to remind him to be… a little more youthful. (If you hear something, that’s Guy-sensei crying gentle tears of joy.)

Sasuke died due to injuries received in his battle with Naruto. Sorry Sasuke. In my defense, I did it for the plot.

Now if any artists out there want to draw me mecha Tenten I will be forever grateful.

[21tailsofwoe]

here have some of my thoughts on boruto uzumaki

Since it’s three AM and I have an extremely important exam tomorrow morning, I started to indulge myself in self reflection, especially when it comes to extremely important things like why I liked the Boruto movie even though I’m anti-ending, and why I’m beginning to hate the Boruto anime even though it’s essentially the same thing. Well, let me tell you that on this day, with my eyes barely open and my mind high on abnormal amounts of caffeine, I have finally figured out that very reason. 

The Boruto movie is my favourite movie of the entire series, and the Boruto anime is the worst thing ever because of, well, Boruto. As in Boruto Uzumaki, the character.

When everyone was first complaining about how Boruto is such a complete brat for disrespecting his father without really knowing his father’s side of things, I kind of…liked the kid. While yes, the conflict in Boruto’s life is absolute bullshit and I could list ten other much better alternatives than what we got in the movie, I think what drew me to Boruto was his behaviour towards what was happening to him and his family. His father doesn’t find enough time for his family. He gets pissed. It was okay for me because Boruto is just a kid. 

He acts rashly like a kid. Boruto is loud, cocky, and arrogant to an extent (arrogance that is a lot different from what Naruto had), but softens up when it comes to his sister and mother. He wants to improve but he doesn’t want to work hard. He wants things quick and easy. He claims to despise his father but he also wants Naruto to acknowledge him. He wants that acknowledgement so bad that he’s willing to break the rules, something that could obviously land him in big trouble. But, he doesn’t care because in that regard, he’s being selfish. It’s because he’s allowed to be the spoilt kid that Naruto never got to be. He can afford being this spoilt and reckless. Sasuke’s remark about Boruto’s clothes being “brand new” brings meaning to the fact that this generation doesn’t have to go through all the shit the previous generation had to go through to reach the same level. They have it “easy”.

In this context, Boruto was a flawed character. At least for me, Boruto was believably and (to an extent) realistically flawed, given how he was brought up and what all he was offered in his childhood.

Anime Boruto on the other hand…

This Boruto still hates his father, but he’s the lesser version of the brat in the movie. He’s selfless and kind and can make friends easily. He is an extremely talented kid, who is very well proficient in his training (as well as the infamous Talk-no-justu for some reason). Not only is the top dog in his class, but he is so skilled that he can defeat very strong villains (with some help, of course) and he’s already coming up with a range of his own original jutsu, contrary to the Boruto in the movie who had to cheat in order to win against friggin’ Shikadai. Boruto believes in the Power of Friendship, is willing to do anything for his friends, and is willing to go to great lengths to save his friends. 

Now, you’ll probably be like, “but hey, pretty hypocritical coming from a Naruto Uzumaki fan.” But, the thing is, we actually got to see Naruto go through some shit in order to start believing in the Power of Friendship. Boruto just…inherited it? The new blond, whiskered Uzumaki is just the perfect kid, who can be very serious but is also balance with just the right amounts of goofy. 

Is it me, or is anime Boruto is turning into the more awful version of the typical shonen protagonist Naruto was? Awful, because Boruto has already reached the level of maturity Naruto had. We didn’t really see any of that development in Boruto, while for Naruto, we were at least told about the circumstances to lead him to become what he was by the second half of part 2. It took some time for Naruto to fully evolve into the Gary Stu. Boruto is already a Gary Stu.

And now that the anime is going re-animate the entire story of the Boruto movie, chances are, I’ll be losing out on the version of Boruto Uzumaki that I actually liked.

Thanks for coming to my TedTalk of self realisation.  

Is the series trash? Yes. Am I still going to watch it? Also, yes.

[barrimyr-adin]

Naruto Shippuden E130-134 Notes

Finally done with the unbearable bullshit that was Jiraiya’s backstory.

So Naruto only has half of the Nine-Tails inside him? That’s fucking stupid and yet another needless retcon. Who is the other half sealed in?

The Nine-Tails was summoned? I thought the tailed beasts just roamed unless they were sealed inside a jinchuriki.

So is this actual Madara or is it Obito?

I like the start of the new OP music, the rest feels kinda basic though.

So does Konan have her soul or chakra sealed into one of those sheets of paper? If not, how has she gotten rid of her body and replaced it with paper?

Pain is so damn badass. What amazing voice-work.

So Nagato wants to use tailed beasts to create atomic bombs? Um, how does that even work?

Does Jiraiya fucking think for himself at all?

Oooh, the good animation is about to start.

So what fucking animal is that thing that Nagato summoned?

Damn, I wish we had gotten to see Naruto summon a toad like this.

This toad’s ungraceful gimmick has gotten annoying.

Gimmicks in general are annoying.

Why is Jiraiya still keeping his hands together? Didn’t he already end the summoning? Don’t tell me he’s starting all over again.

I find it hard to believe that Jiraiya is fast enough to outrun that bird.

Also, why doesn’t he use his Raging Lion’s Mane Jutsu to bind it? It worked on the chameleon. Or use his fire or earth style? Or just trap it in another toad throat? Or summon another toad? It’s not like he seemed to be worried about having to restart the summoning before. At least once the bird is gone, he can take some time to do the summoning and recuperate in peace.

And why does this summon take so long? What exactly differentiates it from any other summon?

What the fuck is wrong with this bird’s legs?

There you go, Jiraiya. Use that fire style.

How the hell was that rhino fast, Jiraiya? Especially after seeing the bird.

Nice work, Gamaken.

Jiraiya, how about you just fucking send Gamaken back? He’s exhausted and wounded. You can summon another toad later. It’s pretty fucked up that you just ditched him while he was injured before,

There you go, Jiraiya. Give the guy a break.

Nah, seriously, why was it so hard to summon Ma and Pa? It didn’t take that long to summon Gamabunta. What makes them so special?

Ma and Pa’s dynamic is exhausting.

Ma’s tongue is fucking terrifying. Why does that exist? And why is it smiling!?

Wait, does Sage Mode make Jiraiya grow a beard? What the fuck? Why? What is this, Teen Wolf?

So this dude is only one of Pain’s six paths, right?

And there are two more.

Is now really the time for comic relief?

Holy fuck, Ma and Pa are annoying.

Fried Pain? Alright, I’ll give you that one. Good one, Ma.

I mean, this is just my two cents. I know that Naruto is gonna learn perfect Sage Mode and Jiraiya is only able to enter Sage Mode by fusing Ma and Pa to him. Personally, I think it should be the other way around. Naruto’s whole shtick is being clever and diligent enough to find creative solutions to perform strong jutsu (i.e. using shadow clones to perform the Rasengan) so it would make sense that a novice like him wouldn’t be able to enter Sage Mode, so instead he’d use fuse Ma and Pa to him. A technique that no one would have expected. Honestly, I just think it’s dumb that Jiraiya, an honest-to-god Sage with years of experience, can’t enter Sage Mode without Ma and Pa but a braindead teenager who barely knows any sage techniques can enter Sage Mode just fine.

Also, why hasn’t Jiraiya pulled out the Rasengan? Hell, now that he’s in Sage Mode, wouldn’t he be able to pull off a Giant Rasengan?

Nevermind, I immediately regret saying that. Now I have to watch the stupid, sudden, ridiculous, and exhausting BS that is the “Massive Rasengan.”

Way to be redudant, Kishi.

So this path is basically Samehada?

Why did Jiraiya suddenly grow shark teeth?

I really don’t want to look at Jiraiya’s hands and feet like that.

So Jiraiya’s slowly falling farther and farther into Sage Mode?

That’s one hell of a song.

I don’t like how the Shadow Clone Jutsu just became some basic jutsu that practically everyone knows.

That’s a pretty lame illusion. Doesn’t have much aesthetic. The jutsu itself is pretty cool though.

I hate that we’ve gotten to the point where losing an arm is considered a basic injury.

Tsunade definitely wants to hit that.

Tbh, Tsunade’s scene had no point but to essentially emotionally manipulate the audience.

Aaand now we’re just straight up shooting missiles. You guys remember when this show was about ninjas?

Tbh, I was kinda let down by Sage Mode. Jiraiya’s Sage Mode anyways. I mean sure, it felt like a power up, but not really like a gamechanger. Maybe it’s just cuz he’s facing the Rinnegan.

That path should have just died in the acid. No reason for him to really jump out, meta-wise.

Jiraiya finally looks his age.

If I was Jiraiya, I would have just assumed that Nagato and Yahiko performed a fusion.

If you wanna join Pain’s emo band, you have to dye your hair bright orange and get some ugly ass piercings.

What a fucking coincidence that Nagato just happened to use the corpse of someone Jiraiya remembers killing.

Jiraiya should have died of blood loss from that bleeding fucking stump a long time ago.

Jiraiya’s monologue was actually compelling until the prophecy shit reared its ugly head back up.

Naruto’s a child of prophecy, because fuck literally all of the themes you ever wrote into your story.

Jiraiya, just fucking die already. Why do death scenes always have to be dragged out so goddamn long? It’s honestly ridiculous.

And of course fucking everything has to be about Naruto, even Jiraiya’s death.

So two Sannin dead so far.

Still pissed that Madara is even a character. It’s bullshit that a guy like Pain is taking orders from anyone.

How would the secret have even saved Jiraiya? Like, the secret is just that Nagato was using people’s corpses as the six paths, right? Or am I missing something? I don’t think that would really change anything, but then again, it’s almost midnight and I’m exhausted.

Ugh, I have to deal with Karin again.

Naruto, why are you fucking talking to yourself?

Kiba, I don’t think you’re supposed to ride dogs.

Yet another flashback to something we’ve already seen.

I feel like Yuri Lowenthal has been high all throughout Part 2.

OMG, am i gonna get to see Kisame beat the crap out of Karin!? Yes pls.

Please kill her, Kisame.

Madara’s getting his own music so I’m assuming he’s gonna beat some ass.

Yes! Beat Naruto’s ass, Tobidara!

These swords are stupidly big.

Tbh, if Shino had been in command of the Sasuke Rescue Mission, the whole thing would have been solved in five minutes.

Can’t Shino just use his insects to know where Tobi is at all times? Or Hinata use her Byakugan?

[changseobbing-blog]

BANG THE WANG

A\N: @baebae-goodnight Here is my gift for you, my twinnie, my friend, my hoe. I hope you and whoever stumbles across this enjoy my crack attempt! 

WARNING: THIS IS 100% UNSERIOUS, INACCURATE CRACK!

Theme: Smut/Crack - If you’re under 18 don’t scroll further.

Jackson Wang x Reader

Naruto AU

“So to be clear, you understand the details of my request?”

You look up from your kneeled position, up to the face of your leader. The Rokudaime Hokage, who is leaning back in his chair. He’s looking down at you with a bored expression in his eyes but you know him well enough after being his subordinate for 4 years to see a glint of something else in his eye.

“Yes sir, but if you don’t mind me speaking up?” you stop and wait for him to gesture his hand for you to continue “I feel like you’re taking the piss a bit here mate”

As you say this you stand up and cross your arms over your chest. He raises his brow at your words and slowly leans forward to rest his elbows on the desk, lacing his fingers together.

“Look Y/N” he sighs dejectedly “I know you said his company gives you a headache, but for fuck sake I need a break, and he won’t stop pestering me since the dumbass got himself injured, and I haven’t read my po-” he coughs “My novel, in days.”

You scrunch your face at his words and snorts “So you’re dumping him on me because you need a wank?” you can’t hold back your smirk now.

He faceplants the desk at your words.

“Ok” you sigh in defeat “I’ll keep him...distracted for the rest of today”.

He breathes a relieved sigh and you turn to leave the room, before reaching to open the door you stop and look over your shoulder “Just don’t forget to lock the doors when you...read, or you’ll be Ka-Flashy and they might impeach your nasty perverted ass!” you hear a book slam against the door as you dash out and shut it behind you swiftly.

“Plus I know you both been fucking!” you hear him shout back from the room behind your back and you grumble to yourself, at least you get some dick instead of jacking off to words on a page.

(A/N: *sweats nervously* cuz who would do that right, RIGHT!!!)

You knew where he was, where he always was…eating ramen, so you body flicker to the little stand and plop down next to him.

“Stop annoying Kakashi, he’s trying to force me into keeping your stupid ass busy, and how the hell did you even break your ankle Jackson?” you turn your head slightly to look at him.

At his dumb cocky smirking face and the cheeky glint in his eyes as he starts laughing to himself. “I told jinyoung that he looked like an old menopausal woman with his new haircut” he starts to laugh even harder as he continues “so..he…pushed me off…his balcony”. You burst out laughing with him at both the picture of your friend’s annoyed face and also the image of him launching Jackson over the balcony.

You realise he’s scooted closer to your stool and with a waggle of his eyebrows he whispers to you suggestively “So how are you gonna keep me busy baby?” and you feel your fanny flutter at his pet name despite your brain screaming at you to punch him in the face.

Maybe you just sit on it to shut him up?

“Follow me and you’ll find out” you coo back to him suggestively before getting up and flickering to your apartment. He follows a few seconds later appearing on crutches before he throws them down and smashes his lips onto yours without a word.

You groan into his mouth and he pushes you back onto your bed so you’re spread out on your back. He drops to his knees and pulls your pants and panties off quickly before trailing kisses up your thighs and stopping at your core.

“I’m gonna slurp your pussy like ramen noodles baby girl” he groans, making you whine in aroused confusion, but before you can say anything his mouth suction cups around your cunt and he starts inhaling your fanny like a vacuum cleaner, it feels like he’s trying to suck your soul out.

“Don’t forget the clit you asshole,” you whine to him as you grab a fist full of his hair to make him look at you.

He glares at you as he lowers his face and flicks your sensitive pearl with his tongue and you gasp sharply. He buries his face deeper and nibbles on your clit like a beaver to wood. You start to feel your high building in the pit of your stomach, but he suddenly stops and pulls you up onto your knees.

“I think it’s time your put that smart mouth to good use” he steps back and makes a hand sign “bangthewang-no-jutsu” he screeches out suddenly and you sit there, mouth gaping as his and the rest of YOUR clothes just poof away.

“YOU’RE A POWERFUL JOUNIN AND THIS IS WHAT YOU SPEND YOUR TIME CREATING!” you can’t believe that you’re here right now, getting frick fracked by this bellend.

But when he pulls out the tree trunk tucked in his trousers you decide it’s worth it.

You suck on his meaty sausage like a starved dog, praying he’s too fucked out to utter another word. You hollow out your cheeks and relax your throat, listening to him curse under his breath as you initiate THE BLACK HOLE SUCC and swallow eagerly on his trouser snake.

Deciding that’s enough teasing you slide him from your mouth and throw him onto the bed. You straddle his waist, sucking hickeys into the base of his throat and lift your hips to reach down to his schlong and line him up to your entrance.

He grips your hips and slams you down onto his length, making you moan as he bounces you up and down on his long thick pickle. You scream in ecstasy as he fills you to the brim with his womb broom, pounding you so fast and deep you feel like a puppet, but his dick is the puppet master.

“I’m gonna cum” you yodel at the top of your lungs while Jackson continues to mercilessly smash your pasty.

“Let go baby girl” he wheezes seductively “cum all over my noodle!!” his disgusting words push you over the edge and you accidentally squirt in his eyes and he goes blind and you get sacked as a ninja cuz he bothered Kakashi and spend the rest of your life triggered by ramen.

THE END!

…. Let’s all pretend this never happened ok!? BYE!

Tiff I hope you got a laugh out of this!!! <3