#the feeling of success i felt when i reached that milestone in game. i finished arr. that meant so much to me

[noxtivagus]

NIGHT IN THE BRUME

[vettelewis]

Lewis Hamilton: ‘There are so many things to fight for’

In his 14th season in Formula One, Lewis Hamilton has won more races than anyone else. And with his win in Turkey earlier this month, he achieved a milestone not just in his career but in the history of his sport: a seventh world title. But it’s also his actions off the circuit that make him our Game Changer Of The Year, as he takes a knee and raises a fist for the global Black Lives Matter movement

By any standards, even if Lewis Hamilton hadn’t spoken into a single microphone this year and hadn’t sent a single tweet and hadn’t once bent knee to ground in order to shake up the very male and oh-so-pale world of Formula One, he would have had one of the most remarkable years of his life. In winning the Portuguese Grand Prix in October, the 35-year-old surpassed Michael Schumacher’s record of 91 race wins, a feat most in the sport felt untouchable. And with his victory at the Turkish Grand Prix earlier this month, he equalled the German’s seven world championships. As his race engineer Peter Bonnington succinctly put it, “You are rewriting the history books.”

But GQ’s Game Changer Of The Year is not only a sporting great: he has quite literally used his exalted platform – or, more specifically, podium – to raise the issue of race in a sport for which it rarely comes up, precisely because there are so few black faces in it. In taking a knee before races – and even making his team change the colour of its car – he has pushed for change in a world that badly needed changing, consequences and criticisms be damned. GQ spoke to him as he was on the cusp of claiming his seventh championship and found that, both on and off the track, he’s just getting started...

Misan Harriman: What was your motivation when you first decided to take the knee?

Lewis Hamilton: I remember watching the video [of George Floyd’s death]. This life extinguished in front of my eyes by the people who are hired to protect others, and I heard when he was calling for his mum. This happens time and time again and that’s why there’s been such a large cry out. When I was watching it, tears came, so many emotions came up. It brought stuff up of my past. I started experiencing racism when I was five and people looked upon it so lightly, when someone would throw out these words, the bullying and the beatings and the intimidation... My dad always said, “Do your talking on the track,” so I held my tongue, but we suppress a lot of things and all my suppressed emotions came up and I was like, “You know what? I have to do something. I cannot stay silent.” If we all stay silent, it will continue for generations. I look at my niece and nephew and do not want them to experience what I experienced.

How do you feel about the response from F1? Thirteen drivers knelt with you in Spain and I think seven didn’t...

It’s not always a good thing for me, but I often post out of just kneejerk reaction, passion. And I called everyone out. I see all of you out there who have platforms, who have a following and just stay quiet. My team was the first to react. Since I joined, I remember mentioning that this team is not diverse. Year on year, I would talk about how our team is not diverse, how our sport is not diverse. So I got to sit down with my team and get into deep conversation of what is going on. And, you know, we changed the car to black and that had to go through a chain of command. Everyone got on board and it was overwhelming to see the response from our partners, because logo colours had to change. Brands put the issue first rather than themselves. I think as a sport, they were very, very nervous of what the right steps were. We saw the reaction: 13 drivers, as you said, took the knee. Obviously, the ones that didn’t, I don’t know if some drivers were like, “I’m not doing it because this is what Lewis is doing” or whether they didn’t get it... I think there are plenty of people in our sport that still don’t understand what we’re doing.

Do you think it helps that your record is so extraordinary that it adds to your ability to do this within the sport? If you weren’t winning, would it be harder?

Well, you can look at some other sports and there’s some people that aren’t super successful yet, but the more successful [you are], the wider your audience, the wider the impact. I’ve had a very, very difficult life and I’ve been thinking a lot about all these wins. I’ve had a lot of success in my racing career. It’s a great feeling, it’s a real privilege, but what does it really mean? All these numbers... what is it? Why was I the one who was chosen to represent black people in our sport? But I think as my life is unravelling, as the journey unravels itself, my purpose here is to utilise my voice to help encourage change. And my goal, really, is to shift the sport in a direction that it perhaps wouldn’t have gone if I wasn’t here. And most certainly not have gone if the Black Lives Matter movement hadn’t started, if George’s life wasn’t so visible.

You were critical of Vitaly Petrov’s comments about Black Lives Matter before the Portuguese Grand Prix. Was it a mistake for the FIA to appoint him as race steward?

I don’t know whether they call it a mistake. I think that the FIA is a large organisation and they are leaders and if you’re going to state what your values are and what you fight for, yet you hire people who don’t seem to have those in common... I don’t understand. I don’t personally get that. I don’t really know the guy very well and I won’t really comment about whether he’s good or not – I think his results speak for themselves over his career – but I thought that it was a step in the wrong direction or even a step backwards. But, you know, you look at Donald Trump, people can obviously see he’s racist. He even said, “I am the least racist person in this room,” so he’s acknowledging [it]. But people are willing to put aside the fact that he’s said so many bad things about minorities, for wealth or for other policies.

Formula One rules were changed after the Tuscan Grand Prix to effectively ban T-shirts with political statements after your Breonna Taylor message. Will you ignore those rules in the future?

If I believe it is important enough, I will. I will do it again. Going into that weekend, the case with Breonna Taylor had really been on my mind and I’ve been chasing down this shirt for weeks. Every weekend that I arrive, we have the spotlight on us and every weekend there is an opportunity to raise awareness. We don’t live in a time when everything is OK. And I remember as I went through the day I was like, “OK, I’ve got to win this race. I can’t come second and wear this top.” So I remember racing my heart out, pushing with every ounce for first place and I remember getting that win and I was like, “OK. I’m here for you, Breonna.” And I put that shirt on and in the 70 years of our sport, no one’s ever stood up there for anything but themselves. And I was standing up there for someone else. It was one of the greatest feelings.

You’re virtually in uncharted territory, on the verge of a record-equalling seventh F1 world championship. Is it sinking in? Is your operating system even able to process what that means?

I remember winning my first championship when I was ten years old and I remember how great that day was. My dad was – is – a tough man. It was really not easy to make that man happy, but I remember winning that championship and we had the best moment – we went away singing, “We are the champions.” And I remember the relief I had in that period of time, because I wasn’t good at anything else. I struggled at school, no matter how hard I tried. Then I won these other championships and, as I started getting older, I realised it doesn’t change anything. Like, it’s a relief of tension for a second, the muscle can let go, but then you’re like, “OK. What’s next?” And it’s taken time to be present and enjoy the moment for a longer period, because it passes so fast. I never thought I’d get to seven. No one ever believed that I would ever get to seven. And now I’m on the verge of equalling the most successful driver of all time and [have] more race wins and I have a chance to potentially go and win more championships. Even if you just take my name away, there will always be at the pinnacle of our sport someone of colour. So I’m very proud of that and I think that’s probably the thing I’m going to be most proud of.

Do you think you have reached your own limits or do you think you can get even better? And would you love to race everyone in the same car, without any advantage?

Well, firstly, on the driving side of things, you know, I was just doing the race yesterday and I was going through this race realising that I’m getting stronger. My skills are getting sharper – my intuition and understanding of strategy, my understanding of my tires... I’m getting stronger and I didn’t expect that. And I didn’t know at what point I was going to plateau, but I’m realising that I’m getting better and that is a great feeling. But it doesn’t come without the hard work. There’s no coincidence that I’m driving the way I am. And, of course, we do live now in a sport where there’s such a gap between all the teams. And people try to devalue what I do because of the machine that I have, so without doubt, I would love to have everyone in the same car, with a track that enables you to really, really race. And then we’ll see... Like, [Fernando] Alonso, I beat him in my first year, straight out. I was 22 years old, a rookie, and I finished ahead of him. Even today, you know, people talk about Max [Verstappen]. Like, it’s probably never ever going to happen, but if I did have Max come into my team and I did the job I currently do and beat him, people would say, “Oh, it’s rigged.”

What about the rumours of you ever being tempted by the red paint of Ferrari?

That’s not going to happen. The Ferrari thing is not going to happen... I think. I’ve always been positive about Ferrari. I watched Michael win there. I’ve always been a Ferrari fan. I remember one of the first cars I ever bought was a Ferrari. And I think it’s a hugely iconic team and brand, particularly. I think the team has, in my period of time... There have been things I’ve seen that I don’t necessarily feel mirror my values and my approach. However, it is a team that every driver, I think, has dreamed of what it would be like to sit in the red cockpit. No disrespect to them, but when I stop I want to work with Mercedes in helping them be even better in the outside world. You know, they’ll always have beautiful cars, but how can we be a more diverse industry?

So when you stop, what are you going to do? Salsa dancing, fishing, Fifa?

Definitely not salsa dancing. And definitely not fishing. I’m vegan! I’m not going to catch fish out of the sea! There’s a lot of different things that I want to do. I would say on the fun side of things for me, I’d love to try a bit of acting. I love my music, so I’ll continue to do my music. And I want to continue to want to learn to play the piano. I really would love to learn a language. My mum is a dancer, so I may take her to go and do a dance course with her son. But then, on the business side of things, there’s not a lot of black-owned businesses in the Fortune 500, for example, and I’ve had the privilege of working with someone like Tommy Hilfiger, who’s really opened my mind to the fashion industry. And I love that industry. I really do have a dream of one day having a fashion brand that’s fully sustainable, fully ethical. I’m always going to be trying to get involved in tech, because that’s the key to the future, I think. And then, most importantly, working with organisations out there to raise awareness for important issues that I care about. There are so many things to fight for.

Lord Hain, who was a Labour cabinet minister and who vice-chairs the All Parliamentary Group On Formula One, said it was “unacceptable” that you hadn’t had a knighthood yet. Is he right?

Well, it’s the first I’ve heard about this! It’s not what I’m racing for. I’m not like, “I’ve got to win these races so I can be knighted.” My granddad served in the Second World War – I’ve got all his medals – and I was so proud to see Captain Sir Tom get his knighthood this year. I think the unsung heroes are the ones that deserve these things. If I’m one day honoured, I don’t think it’s something I’d say no to, but it’s not an issue for me right now. Like, I’m really grateful. The fact I’ve even had the opportunity to go to Buckingham Palace and I’ve got an MBE – like, wow, a kid from Stevenage, so I’m grateful for that. Look at Captain Tom, he was 100 years old before he got recognised.

The black community, obviously, are very proud of our own and sometimes I think the frustration is your level of success should have been recognised a lot earlier on. And maybe, ironically, your activism is getting that kind of attention, instead of what you’ve done on the track, which is a surreal thing to say. I actually think the Lewis Hamilton of 2020, what you’ve done off the track, is almost making as much noise as you making history by beating Schumacher’s record.

The mixed feelings that I’ve had this year... I could never have ever dreamt of having the year that we’ve had, in the sense of the sadness, the isolation, the trials and tribulations. This is going to be the one I remember the most, I think, and, you know, I still have a job to do: I’ve got to win the seventh title. And when I win that seventh title, what am I going to do with it? I’m still going to be taking a knee and using my voice on that day. But I’m near. I’m closing in on it. I’m still energised. I came back last night [after the Emilia Romagna Grand Prix in Italy] and I was like, “I can’t believe I just won that race,” but the thing is, the world moves on so fast, you just keep going.

[kpopfanfictrash]

For Me, It’s You

Member: Jimin (BTS)

Prompt: Song!drabble, inspired by For Me, It’s You by Lo Moon

Rating: R

Genre: childhood friends to lovers!AU (THANK YOU @underthejoon​ for this amazing header, ur the best)

Warnings: angst, estranged parents, references to former underage drinking

WC: 4,015

↳ part of my 30K milestone drabble game

You should not have come home this weekend.

Honestly, you knew better but allowed yourself to be swayed by the guilt of your siblings. There were the ones who insisted your parents wanted you here, who said things would not be the same without you and you fell for their lies – hook, line and sinker. Never mind that, when you texted your plane flight to your mom, it took her nearly a day to respond.

In complete denial, you chalked this up to timing. It was not. As soon as you arrived from the airport, you sensed the chill in the air. Your little brother – Dean’s list, summa cum laude, McKinsey consultant, Henry – was welcomed in with warm hugs and cookies. You barely received a terse smile and ‘welcome home.’

Even so, you deluded yourself into thinking things would be fine. You would lie low, make it through the weekend and return to the city unscathed. So long as you did not bring up your job, or the argument, everything would be okay. Sadly, you underestimated how disappointed your parents were. It took only two glasses of wine at Thanksgiving dinner for your mother to let you know exactly how she felt.

“When do you have to be back at work, Henry?” she asked, accepting the vat of potatoes.

“Monday,” Henry said, setting down his glass. “Working on a big client of ours right now – unfortunately, can’t take much time off.”

“Oh, that’s alright.” Your mother beamed as she replaced the spoon in the bowl. “It’s nice to see you hard at work. Unlike some people your age.”

Everyone around the table stiffened. It was not necessary for your mother to say your name in order to make her feelings known. The point was clear in the way she set the bowl down, looked your way and waited a beat.

Refusing to take the bait, you looked down. You had not been hungry before but, upon hearing her comment, lost all appetite entirely.

“Let’s not talk about that right now,” said Jia, your sister. Hastily, she shot a pleading glance at your dad. “It’s the holidays.”

“That doesn’t diminish the reality of the situation,” your father said sternly. Turning your way, his brow furrowed. “So, Y/N. Have you found yourself yet?”

Cheeks slowly heating, you pushed your plate back from the table. “I’m working on my drawings, yeah. If that’s what you’re asking.”

He made a dismissive noise in his throat. “All that money towards college – wasted.”

“Dad,” Jia said. “It wasn’t wasted.” She scowled, looking between your parents.

Jia chose to become a dentist; a perfectly respectable career path in their opinion. Still, she had always been protective over you and Henry. When you were younger, your parents often worked in the evenings, and it often fell upon your older sister to help.

“Let’s just eat, okay?” Henry glanced around the table. “It’s Thanksgiving. Let’s be glad we’re all here.”

The table was quiet for a few minutes, everyone digging into their respective plates. Then, your mom sighed and said, “I suppose I’m thankful two of my children followed our example to form steady careers. At least I can sleep knowing I won’t be in the poor house when I’m old.”

“Mom!” Jia blurted out, looking appalled.

Henry jumped to your defense, too. “That’s not fair, mom –”

“I’ll tell you what’s fair,” interrupted your father. His voice somehow drowned out the rest. “Wasting all your hard-earned money on a fancy college degree, only to throw it away. Living disrespectfully, coming back to our house and having the nerve to –”

“I bought my own plane ticket, dad,” you interjected. “My website is doing really well, and I’m working on illustrations for this book, and I –”

“Don’t interrupt!” he exclaimed. “This is exactly the lack of respect your mother and I are talking about.”

With a loud screech, you pushed your chair away to stand up. “I’m done eating,” you announced. Stiffly, you looked at your mom.  “Doesn’t sound like anything’s changed since the last time we spoke. Thank you for cooking. I’ll clean up after myself.”

With that, you turned around and strode into the kitchen. The arguing continued after you left, with Jia jumping in to combat your parents. Even Henry was angry, protesting he and Jia wanted you there, but you were no longer listening. It did not matter much, either way. You should have known better than to think today would go well.

The last time you spoke to your parents was in the spring, the day you told them you were quitting your job to pursue illustration full-time. They were not happy, simply put and after the initial, blow-out fight, you did not speak at all. Obviously, they still had a lot to say.

Retreating up the stairs to your childhood bedroom, you slammed shut the door and collapsed on your bed. Being in this room made you feel like a child and in many ways, you still were. It did not matter that you had been able to drink for four years and vote for seven. In many ways, you were only just beginning to progress on your own.

Downstairs, you still heard the debate raging on. It was always like this, when you were little. Even when you were not the one arguing, there was another fight to be had. You could not blame your parents for that, not really. It was the only way they understood discipline – loud voices and the overbearing idea of respect.

Eventually, things would calm down. You knew they would. Eventually, Jia would help your mom clean up and Henry would play piano in the next room. For a few hours, maybe, they would be like a family – except you would not be there.

Not this time.

Unable to replay the events any longer, you roll out of bed and unlatch your window. Prying it open, the cold air hits your face. Shivering, you stare into the night and reach out for your sweater. Your childhood home was built with a small, wrap-around porch over the front.

When you were a child, you often climbed out here to escape. When you were in your teens, you came out here to drink, or smoke, or journal about how your parents were ruining your life. It has been a long time since you remembered that part of yourself.

Glancing away, you see lights on in the Park house. They must be finishing Thanksgiving dinner as well, hopefully not in as dramatic fashion as yours. You cannot imagine it is, since the Parks adore their two sons – Jimin and Jiwoo. Besides, both of their children adopted traditionally successful career paths. Jiwoo is in medical school and Jimin recently passed the bar.

Exhaling, you glance again at the rooftop. The fighting can still be heard downstairs and so, pulling on your sweater, you climb out on the porch. Quickly shutting the window, you find yourself ensconced in blessed silence. No disappointed parents berating you. No siblings rising to your defense. Only silence, the wind and far-off sound of cars on the highway.

Settling onto the roof, you lean against the side of the house. The sky overhead is clear, a silver crescent of moon hanging above your head. As you breathe in and out, your breath frosts in mid-air. It is chilly enough you are glad for your sweater and still, your hands stiffen with cold. Pulling your sleeves down, you relish in the silence.

“Y/N?”

Head jerking sideways, your heart nearly stops when you see a face looking back. At the edge of the overhang, clinging onto the roof is a familiar – well, now unfamiliar – person.

Jimin.

“Is that seat taken?” he breathes, face red with the exertion of climbing. “Because it’s been a while since I’ve done this, and god knows how much your parents take care of this trellis.”

“Shit,” you blurt, realizing his predicament and scrambling onto your knees. Grabbing Jimin’s hands, you haul him onto the roof.

Jimin tumbles beside you, dusting dirt from his pea coat. You wince at the gesture, since the fabric looks expensive – probably is, given his new job. Collapsing against the siding, Jimin adjusts his grey beanie and looks sideways at you.

“Hey,” he greets, as though he climbs up on neighbors’ porches all the time.

Trying not to laugh, you smile back. “Hey.”

When you say nothing more, Jimin arches a brow. “Surprised to see me?”

“You could say that,” you say, glancing down at the cul-de-sac. From up here, the world seems more manageable. It always did. “It’s been a while since you came by.”

“Could say the same.”

Glancing at him, you see a small smile on his face. Jimin is quiet for a moment, staring out at the world and you cannot help but layer this Jimin with ones past. When you were younger, this was your place – he and you. Whenever your parents were too much, or you were mad at the world, you would climb out here to escape.

Jimin would see this and know it was his signal to come over.

It has been a long time since then, though. The wood of the house is cold on your back.

“So, why are you out here?” He asks this calmly, as though this were another Tuesday.

You shrug. “The usual.”

It has been seven years, give or take, since you two last talked. Really talked, that is – in the way that friends do. All throughout middle school and high school, Jimin was your best friend. Even Jia was wary of you. She did not understand the way you acted, the way you purposefully pushed your parents’ boundaries to understand all their lines.

Jimin was not like that. Jimin did not break rules, but Jimin understood. He saw you out here, night after night and grew curious. Eventually, he climbed up to meet you and what happened next cannot be explained. You became the unlikeliest of friends.

Subtly, you glance sideways.

Glasses are perched on the end of his nose. Jimin used to need glasses in high school but insisted upon contacts because of his dancing. When he quit dance for college, you heard a lot of things changed, but you never imagined his glasses to be one of them. The frames suit his face. You have always thought that.

Of course, you cannot say for certain this change took place during college. That was when you began drifting apart – it was not either of your fault, really. You two tried to keep in touch, you really did. There were phone calls, e-mails, but there was always something else demanding more urgent attention. Eventually, phone calls became texts, which turned into long bouts of silence where you forgot one another.

Maybe the silence was a bit purposeful on your part. Maybe you were running from feelings you deemed ultimately, fruitless.

“You haven’t been home for the holidays in a few years,” Jimin comments, still casual. His foot is stretched out before him, clothed in an Italian loafer which must be worth twenty of your commissions.

“Not really, no,” you say, surprised he noticed.

“Why not?”

“Ha.” Leaning your head to the house, you close your eyes. “I don’t know. It felt like a lie every time, you know? Coming home and seeing them. Pretending to be happy. It was easier just… not to come.”

Jimin is quiet for a moment. “You weren’t happy?”

“Wrong job.” You open one eye. “Wrong life, really. But it was one they approved of.”

“And now?”

Suddenly, you look at him. Jimin stares back, gaze soft in moonlight. It makes your heart skip a beat, a phenomenon you thought died a long time ago. It is maddening, how quickly he does this to you.

When you were in high school, Jimin was the golden boy. The dancer, the honors student, the friendly type who knew everyone – even the weird, quiet girl who drew fantasy landscapes in the margins of her notebooks. Once upon a time, you were in love with him.

You even dreamed of him loving you back, but those dreams never became reality. Jimin loved you, of course, but only as a friend. He had a strange sense of protection for the girl on the roof. You realized this not in one moment, but in a thousand little ones all strung together.

You realized it when watching him with his first girlfriend – a bubbly, cheerleader type much like himself. The stake was hammered in further with his second girlfriend, whom he left the first one for. It was obvious when he took you to parties, leaving you talking to his friends in the corners. Obvious when his group booked a limo for prom and you were not invited.

These moments crushed your hope for anything more. And yet, here you are, back on the roof and wishing something more existed.

“Now, I’m happy with my career.” Not looking at him, you exhale. “They hate it, though. They think I threw everything they gave me away.”

Jimin snorts. “Bullshit.”

“Yeah?” You smile before you can help it. Jimin was always protective when it came to your drawing. “I don’t know it is. I had a good job, a stable job. The type of job they wanted so badly to have but couldn’t. I get why they’re mad.”

“You weren’t happy, though,” Jimin points out, rearranging himself on the roof. Somehow, his hand falls closer to yours. “And your drawings are amazing. I’ve seen your website.”

“Oh.” You pause, uncertain how to respond. Strange butterflies take flight in your stomach and you wonder what else he has seen. “Yeah, well. I don’t think they really care about that. Not like your parents do, anyways.”

Jimin’s smile turns bitter. “I guess.”

Now, it is your turn to look at him curiously. “What do you mean?”

Shaking his head, Jimin ducks his chin against his chest. The pea coat bunches around his shoulders, making him look more like old Jimin – your Jimin. The high schooler who feared his future, who did not want to quit dance but did, because he had to.

“I mean,” he tries again, frowning. “My parents are proud of me on paper. The love listing my accomplishments to their friends, but when it comes to me…”

He trails off, leaving you to draw your own implication.

“Oh.” Your words soften, glancing away. “I get that. I think that’s how Henry feels sometimes. He likes his job, he really does – but with my parents, it’s not about that. It makes the success feel kind of… hollow, somehow. You know?”

“I do.”

Looking at him, you hesitate. “Jimin… why’d you come up here?”

Jimin is quiet for a moment, rolling the corner of his pea coat with his fingers. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” you say, some of your usual sarcasm seeping through. “Maybe because we haven’t spoken in like, five years.”

Jimin’s lips quirk. The gesture disappears almost immediately, replaced with something which could almost be called sadness.

“I heard you moved into the city,” he says quietly.

Your stomach plummets. “Jimin, I…”

“Yeah?”

“I – I didn’t know you knew,” you say, finishing lamely.

“Really?” His laugh is hollow. “Even if we didn’t follow each other on social media, you really thought my mom wouldn’t tell me?”

Shifting uncomfortably, you fail to meet his gaze. “Well. I moved to the city last fall.”

“I know. Why didn’t you look me up?”

“I don’t know,” you say honestly. Avoiding eye contact, you pick at your sweater. “It’s been a long time, I guess.”

“Too long.”

“Well, why didn’t you reach out?” you demand, looking up. To your surprise, you find Jimin has moved closer.

He stares at you determinedly. “What happened to us, Y/N?”

“What happens to most high school friends?” you stammer, still trying to be casual. “We moved, drifted apart, lost touch…”

“No.” Reaching out, Jimin takes your hand in his. He feels much warmer than you do. “I – oh. You’re cold.”

“N-no shit,” you say, teeth chattering. “I just grabbed this sweater.”

Jimin shifts closer, his right thigh pressing against yours. “Y/N.”

“Yeah?”

He stares at you for a moment, warmth finally tangible. After so many years without him, the smell of his cologne is almost too much to bear. No longer does he drown in it. You remember the year his mom gave him that for Christmas. The first few weeks of January Jimin fairly bathed in it, until his mom pulled him aside and told him she would throw it away – no matter the cost.

Remembering this makes you smile.

Jimin’s expression remains serious. “Why’d you leave… that night?”

There it is. There is the memory between you which you have been pointedly trying to ignore. The night Jimin kissed you and you ran away. It happened here, on this very rooftop. The night before you left for college, Jimin stole wine coolers from his mom and asked you to celebrate.

He was an absolute lightweight.

Jimin did not drink in high school, unlike you and so, after one wine cooler, he was already giggly. Laying back on the roof, you traced the stars with your fingertips and somehow rolled into his side. His arm slid around your waist, stable and warm.

Softly, he looked down – and kissed you.

It lasted only a moment. A brief miracle before you forced yourself away, leaping up on the roof and flinging open your window. You hurried in, shutting the blinds and ignoring his pleas. Jimin stood there for nearly twenty minutes before you heard him leave. He knew what your parents were like – knew what would happen if they heard him and caught you.

“I don’t know,” you say quietly, still looking at him.

“Bullshit.” Jimin says this in the same tone he used to describe your parents.

Stiffening, you sit up. He still holds your hand in his. Despite the sternness of his tone, Jimin continues to trace your fingers through the sweater. He stares, biting down on his lip and you know he does this when he is nervous.

It is surprising how easily you remember. Surprising how easy it is to slip into who you used to be, the dreams you used to want. Perhaps they never really left at all.

“I was scared,” you finally say, barely audible.

“Of me?”

“No,” you say, before you can help it. “Never of you. Of what… I might do to you.”

Jimin’s brow furrows. “You do to me? I don’t understand. How could anything you do be bad?”

The aching sweetness of this reminds you why you loved him. Or, why you love him. It is all so confusing with him here in the moonlight, with you here beside him, remembering ghosts of the past. Turning to face him, your knees graze each other like children.

“I didn’t make sense with you,” you explain. “Everyone knew it in high school, even if they wouldn’t say it out loud. You were always the bright one, the brilliant one – and then there was me.”

“Yeah. And then there was you.” Jimin speaks fiercely. “Grounded, real. Always telling me what you thought, not letting other people get to me for too long. You were the only person who really believed in me. No caveats, just belief.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is,” he insists. “God, Y/N. How could you think you were bad for me?” Reaching out, he tenderly tucks a strand of hair behind your ear. Pulling away, his fingertips graze your jaw. “For me, it’s you. It’s always been you.”

“Don’t say ridiculous things,” you say on reflex.

Jimin’s brow furrows. “Did you honestly not realize? The entire time we were friends – you didn’t know I was in love with you?”

Your breath catches at how easily he says this. “But…” Mind spinning, you sift through the memories. “You dated other girls. Took someone else to prom. You didn’t say anything until you kissed me!”

“I know.” Jimin’s expression is tortured. “I only dated those girls though, because you said I should! Don’t you remember? I’d describe my ideal girl to you – describe you – and you’d point someone else out. When I took you to parties, you’d talk to my guy friends. And you accepted someone else’s prom invite before I could ask!”

“What!” You blink, since this is news to you. “What are you talking about?”

“We had a pact.” Despite himself, Jimin nearly smiles. “Remember? We were ten, watching Footloose in my basement and you pinky promised to be my prom date.”

“We were ten,” you say, although you also find yourself smiling. “You didn’t really think –”

“I was planning to ask you the next day,” he interrupts.

Words die on your lips and you can only stare for a moment. “What?”

“Peter Graff asked you on a Friday.” Scooting closer, Jimin takes your other hand in his. “I remember. I remember stopping by your locker and hearing you talk about prom dresses, limo colors, what boutonniere you should buy. I… I had been planning to ask the next day.”

“Jimin, I…”

“I was planning to stand in your yard with a boom box,” he admits, lips curving into a smile. Dark hair falls into his gaze. “You know, like in Say Anything. Except not creepy. And on very low volume, so I didn’t wake your parents.”

“Good call.”

“I thought so.”

It is strange to hear your friendship described in this manner. Because you remember those moments, but through a very different lens. You remember the day Jimin described his ideal girl. You remember crying that night, feeling you fit none of the description. He is right – you were the one who pointed out his first girlfriend, telling him he should really ask her out. It seemed more logical than any other version of the truth.

“When you kissed me…” Swallowing, you force yourself to continue. “It was perfect.”

“Yeah?” Jimin bites his lip.  “Then, why’d you leave?”

“You’d been drinking. I was leaving the next day. I thought maybe… you’d done it out of pity,” you whisper, finally voicing your fears from the night. “I thought you knew how badly I wanted you and it was just your way of saying goodbye. I… I wanted to keep that night the way it was. Perfect.”

“It wasn’t pity.” Jimin catches his breath. “Never.”

“Jimin…”

Lifting his hands to your face, he gently strokes your jaw. “I missed my shot that night,” he determines. “I’ve been a coward lots of ways, my whole life. I didn’t go after you like I should’ve. I haven’t stood up to my parents a million times. But I’ll be damned if I fuck this up again.”

Before you can respond, he kisses you.

His lips are soft, warm despite the bitterness of the night. He tastes like vanilla Chapstick and wine and you only hesitate a moment before kissing him back. The kiss is nothing like your first. That was a moment between teenagers, too scared to ask for what you both wanted. Now, you know what you want.

Greedily, your lips part as your hands wrap around his. At the first brush of your tongue, Jimin releases a groan. You kiss like this for a while, gently exploring the new boundaries between you. Whatever once was is shattered but something new exists in its place.

Finally, you drag yourself away and open your eyes. “Is this why you came here tonight?” you whisper, the world somehow seeming brighter. “To kiss me again?”

“Amongst other things.” His lips quirk when he laughs, shaking his head. “No. I came out because I saw you on the roof.”

He does not need to explain what it means. You only come out on the roof when you are upset. Unthinkingly, your heart starts to swell.

“You still remembered?” you ask, thumb brushing his neck.

“I meant what I said. For me, it’s you.”

  © kpopfanfictrash, 2019. Do not copy or repost without permission.

[thosequeenboys]

Love Is Love Is Love - Chapter 1 (Ben Hardy x Joe Mazzello)

Summary: Chapter 1: Missed:  Ben returns from a last-minute trip to a joyful reunion on New Year’s Eve.

A/N:  This is for the Hardzzello Week “Missing” prompt.  I loved imagining this story unfold and writing it, so much that I have Chapter 2 almost completed and Chapter 3 in the works for this love story series! Please let me know if you’d like to be tagged. Bolded text is referenced at the end. Other writings featuring Joe and Ben (together and individually) - and those Queen boys, of course, can be found in my Masterlist

Warning:  Brief non-explicit description of sex, mild angst, lots of fluff

tagging: @warriorteam1924 @heybuddy-drabbles @hey-holtzy @lapofthemusicgods @nightoftheland @halfasleepoetry @roger-taylors-car @joemazzhello

Chapter 1: Missed

The warm house Ben entered buzzed with the New Year’s Eve version of Mazzello Fest.  It was just before noon when he arrived, having returned from a sudden trip to London for family business.  The trip went well, but had coincided with the lead up to Christmas and the holiday itself.  He was pleased to have joined in time for the New Year’s celebration at Joe’s mom’s house.

Hearing the car door slam, Joe met Ben eagerly at the front door and helped him out of his coat, moving his luggage to the side of the spacious foyer.  Some of Joe’s family members called to Ben from the kitchen in the back where they gathered at the large table: “Hey Ben, Welcome. Come in.  Get some snacks.”

Ben and Joe embraced. Ben’s arms settled around Joe’s neck, his fingers angling into his hair.   Joe pulled Ben in closely, his arms stretched around Ben’s slender waist moving to his lower back.  They took each other in and held each other tightly, their lips finding each other’s necks and cheeks.  Quiet, satisfied moans escaped their mouths.

“Can I get you anything?” Joe asked, peeling his upper half from Ben, as his hands made their way into the back pockets of the blonde’s jeans.  Joe pressed deeper into the pockets and kneaded him gently, maintaining eye contact with his gorgeous green eyes. 

At another time, they would have kissed passionately, Ben’s hands finding Joe’s back pockets too.  They would have danced each other somewhat clumsily amidst laughs to the bedroom, hastily removing shoes and socks, bringing themselves to the center of the bed.  From there, they would flip each other over and over on the bed, taking turns laying on top of one another and on knees in front and behind each other, covering every inch, all angles of the soft sheeted surface.  They’d remove articles of clothing from each other as the positions allowed, while stealing kisses, caresses and nips on newly exposed skin. They’d delight in each other’s bodies, eager to express their love.  For now, Joe felt grateful that his husband had returned, and he accepted the fact that their skillful bed acrobatics would have to wait, yet again.

“Thanks, Love.”  Ben replied, his arms now on Joe’s shoulders, returning the gaze. “I could use some joe truthfully. I’m so beat, gotta wake up.” Ben craned his neck to scope out the pockets of activity around the house as voices ricocheted off the walls.

“You got him,” Joe smirked, separating from Ben, flipping his hand up with a dramatic flair and dragging it alongside his torso down to his legs.

“Hmmm, very nice. I mean the caffeinated variety.” Ben responded with a smile. His eyes darted to the living room off the foyer from which a lot of activity emanated.

“Ah, Ok,”  Joe said with a wink, relaying the standard order:  “Cuppa Joe, one sugar, light with almond milk, in a big mug, coming right up.”

Joe’s face became very serious.  He grasped Ben’s hands tightly.  “I’ve missed you so much…,” he stared into Ben’s eyes and took a breath, before continuing.  Ben gazed back at him, but was distracted by the raised noise level in the living room that was now punctuated by high squeals and laughter.

“I..I need to ...” Ben said urgently to Joe.

“I know,” Joe interrupted him softly with a warm smile and nod, abandoning the rest of his comment.

Ben smiled back and winked at Joe, releasing him, and then walked through the partially open French doors to the living room.  

Games and toys were strewn over the carpet.  The young players were in various postures behind their chosen amusements, their concentration broken by jolts of laughter and banter.  Heads turned as Ben entered. 

Suddenly, a small slender boy in blue sweat pants and a plaid button-down shirt in multiple blue hues bolted to Ben with outstretched arms.

Ben swept him up in a hug, holding him tightly, burying his face in the small collarbone and turning around slowly to seal the moment. Joe stepped into the room, looking on, and finished the rest of his sentiment under his breath.  “He missed you too.”

“Hey Buddy, I missed you so much.” Ben choked out, his voice rising, emotion overtaking him.

“Daddy!!!” The boy said, burying his head in the crook of Ben’s neck, as his arms grasped around it.

Ben stood still and held him tightly, planting kisses along the soft forehead, cheeks and chin, swaying from leg to leg as he spoke. “Alexander. Francis. Jones-Mazzello.  All days are nights to see till I see thee. And nights bright days when dreams do show thee me.” (1)

Ben silently rejoiced and luxuriated in the familiar feeling, wanting time to stand still for just a little while.  A little over 24 months ago, he had no idea this feeling existed, and even now, he could not fully describe it. His love for Joe was infinite and deep, passionate and strong, but his love for this -his- child, Alex, was like none he had ever known. There was a wholeness to his life now he hadn’t known was missing. This relationship gave him fulfillment beyond any measure of professional achievement. And, damn, he was so fun to be around! And, Ben had to admit sheepishly, as Alex was often referred to as Ben’s Mini Me, so beautiful to behold.

Ben’s heart had never felt so full as when he was with this boy.  His angst was never as great as when he was unhappy or in any discomfort.   Ben still had not fully recovered from the night many months ago when the fever suddenly spiked to over 102.  Joe calmly said they needed to go to the hospital right away, hastily packing the bag, his eyes showing a concern that belied his calm voice and actions. At the hospital Joe spoke in depth with the doctor. Ben picked up snippets as he draped himself over the tiny body in the bassinet, touching him with cool hands and bargained with a greater power to have the fever enter him instead.  That ordeal was just one demonstration of Joe as a loving and responsive father and partner who grounded them all, and it was one of the scariest times of Ben’s life. The fever did break late the next evening, and life soon resumed its toddler-focused activities and routines.

Being separated from Alex, as Ben’s work necessitated, required tremendous compartmentalization. Sure, they FaceTimed, but it could not substitute for experiencing the world unfolding side-by-side.  The longing born from separations created a dent in Ben’s heart that never fully went away. Even when they reunited, it stayed as a reminder to cherish the times together and imprint them.  Another, longer trip loomed in the new year, but Ben didn’t let that thought enter this sacred moment.  

Their tender, poetic reunion was interrupted as Alex dissolved into a burst of giggles and squirms. Ben eased him down reluctantly. Holding Alex provided a type of calm and love he had never experienced, a special physicality.   “Daddy, sit here and watch me do the puzzle.” Alex said, running to bring the puzzle.

“Ok, Mate,” Ben said, sitting on the floor and locking eyes with Joe, who was misty-eyed.

“I’ll get your coffee,” Joe said, lingering a moment to see Alex plant him in the space between Ben’s crossed legs and Ben’s hands naturally settle on the toddler’s knees.

After quickly putting the five ocean animals in the wood board cut-outs, Alex tossed it and launched himself off of Ben, moving to a puzzle with 12 pieces.

“That’s too hard for you, Alex,” warned Jessie, Joe’s oldest niece (2). Undeterred, Alex separated the shapes by color and angle and then tried piecing them together in the frame.  

Ben reached for a shape sorter near him.  “Hey, Alex, want to try this?” he asked, concerned Alex would get frustrated. Alex ignored him, fully concentrating on the puzzle and having some success.

Joe entered and set the coffee on a table next to where Ben sat on the floor and stood beside him. Joe’s mother trailed behind.  Jessie’s dad, Joe’s brother-in-law, Pete, entered the room too and scouted the action. His eyes landed on Alex.  “Wow, he’s actually putting it together.  That’s amazing.  Seriously, guys, that’s advanced.”

“Then there was that…numbers incident on Christmas.” Joe’s mother commented as she watched her youngest grandson finger the puzzle pieces pensively and work to connect them.

“Numbers incident.” Ben repeated. “Sounds like something having to do with National security.   Did he break a code for the government? What did he do?” he asked jokingly intrigued, though he felt sadness having missed an important milestone, which seemed to happen more as time went by.  It had only been a little over a week, but much had transpired. In this new life, time was measured less in days and more in moments.

“He set out the building blocks with the numbers in order and counted to 10. Correctly.”  Joe’s mother said, impressed.

“Alright, alright,” Joe said. “I wouldn’t call Mensa yet.  He’s obviously just copying his older cousins.  Trying to keep up.  Though I might be bold and take credit for the counting,” Joe smirked, letting out a laugh.  “The Count was always my favorite Muppet on Sesame Street,” he declared, “and I have tried to pass on my passion for counting.”

Ben burst out laughing, and Alex joined in.  “I like The Count too!  I count with Papa,”  he said, looking at his dads laughing together.

“You certainly do,” Joe exclaimed, going over to give Alex’s hair a tussle.

“Hey, Uncle Ben,” Joe’s oldest nephew chimed in.  “Can we go out back and play soccer.”  

“Uh, Football?” Ben laughed. “Sure.  Ok, anyone wanting to join, get your trainers on.” Ben was always up for some football and enjoyed spending time with the nieces and nephews, though in this moment, all he wanted to do was curl up with Alex.  Alex, however, was always eager to join his older cousins. He abandoned the almost-finished puzzle and raced over to Joe for help with his sneakers.

The nieces and nephews proceeded to the backyard, and Ben set up goals with sticks.  As they passed the ball between each other, Alex ran alongside Ben, trying in vain to keep up.  The winter day was unseasonably warm and the sun bright. They quickly abandoned their jackets.  After a half hour, Joe’s mom called them in for lunch.  The timing was perfect.  Ben suddenly felt hungry and ready to crash, and Alex looked tired too.  “How about we take a nap after lunch?” Ben said, bending down to Alex, rubbing their noses together.  He stood up and held Alex’s hand as they walked into the house together. “Thanks, Uncle Ben,” the chorus of nephews and nieces said.

Following lunch, Ben helped Alex out of his booster seat, swinging him low on his hip.  “We’re heading up for a nap,” he said to Joe, who nodded, deep in conversation with his brother.  Ben brought his suitcase upstairs, as Alex climbed the steps slowly behind him.

In the bedroom, Ben took off his shirt which was damp with sweat and change into a fresh pair of sweatpants. He undressed Alex, changed his diaper and put him in a short-sleeved onesie with clean sweatpants.

“You tired, Babe?” he cooed. Alex nodded sleepily in response. The portable crib was set up at the foot of the bed, but Ben settled Alex in the double bed. Ben curled next to him, pulling him into his bare chest and brushing his blonde hair back.  Ben reveled in his warmth and his familiar scent, a mix of their sandalwood soap, Johnson’s baby shampoo and the faint smell of Desitin.  

Joe entered the room.  “My soon-to-be sleeping beauties.  Good you’re napping.  We have a long night ahead of us.  We pulled out all the stops for tonight: noise-makers, hats, light necklaces and other treats. It will be a wild party indeed!”

“Hmm, sounds fun,” Ben managed, snuggling Alex and planting light kisses on his bare arm.  

“Birthday party?” Alex asked.

“No, New Year’s Eve party…we say goodbye to this year and welcome the new one, which starts after midnight.” Ben said, giving Alex a hug, trying to prevent him from get riled up.

Joe eyed his two loves spooned together. If it were up to Ben, Alex would sleep in their bed every night. Co-sleeping was an area on which they didn’t always agree. A few months ago, they decided he could share their bed only for a special situation.  The criteria were not always clear, and Joe was known to give in, eager for the presence of their son and Ben’s contentment.  “Well, I guess this qualifies as a special situation. You’ve been away unplanned for over a week, and it’s New Year’s Eve.” Joe ribbed Ben with a big smile.   He loved seeing them together and expected that after being away, Ben would want Alex next to him as much as possible.

“Yeah, it is special. Missed this sweet boy…and his papa.” Ben said, his voice fading with impending sleep.  His arm settled lightly around Alex, and Alex put his small hand over Ben’s knuckles.  Their breathing steadied together and in a few minutes, they were asleep.  

Joe approached the bed and covered them with the sheet and comforter. He planted kisses on each of their cheeks and smoothed each of their blonde heads.  “My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love is deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.” (3) Joe said softly, before he backed out of the room and shut the door softly behind him, pleased that his boys were resting, but eager for them to wake to continue their sweet reunion -- and start the new year together.

Notes

Sonnet 43, William Shakespeare

I’ve retained the names of Joe’s family members from my 36: Reset fic

Romeo and Juliet, William Shakespeare, Act II, scene ii

[someplace-that-is-else]

‘New Year, New Me’ The Writing Manifesto for 2020

For us, it was tradition.

 It was New Year Eve. A night of drinking. A night of being wild. A night of being fun and dealing with a LOT of craziness. And I BETTER be free by Midnight.  LOL!!! That was me and my friend Art.

 That was how it was for years. Art gave me months’ notice to be on the ready. To be sure I was free. So there it was.

 Until this year.

 Granted it had been coming the last few years. We would still go out. However, Art would have a melancholy tinge to him regardless of the drinking and laughs. A year older, but life was not as fun as when we were young. So the last few years, he stayed in while I went out. Finally, he moved out of San Diego after being here all his life to see what else was out there. I was saddened, but respected it as an Arkansan transplant myself.

 So this year, I went out with a new friend. While I didn’t remember everything, I did have a good ole time. But 2019 was a milestone year for me. I hit one age-wise. I left a job that I’ve been at for a long time because it was no longer fulfilling and a toxic environment to boot. And of course, I spent the majority of 2019 working on the next book in the Darkened series, Darkened Tabula with some side of Darkened Soul: The Breaking of Circles.

 Still…neither of them was done. And did I not expect more out of me this past year? Was that not part of the reason I left Toxic Environment Land?

 Did 2019 teach me nothing?

  Maintaining the Balance

 The holidays had been busy for me. So much time at work. So much time at sleep. Knowing how hectic December usually was for me, I had to allow some things to fall to the wayside. I loved my gym routine. And as I had mentioned I was working on finishing Darkened Tabula. But…

 I looked at it.

 What?

 The mirror.

 December had come and passed. It was now January. I was feeling at home in my new job. I was getting used to my other job schedule going back to normal, meaning that I could have a life again. And here I was with something I did not like as I stood in front of the mirror. One of my fears now that I was older.

 The dad bod.

 It made me think of my friend Kev. He was always talking about his ‘baby.’ And by ‘baby’ he meant his gut. And how it was round and big and how he hated it. Meanwhile, there I was eating healthy or not, and still having nice and toned muscles abs.

 Well…no more.

 And boy, did I loathe my ‘baby.’ So it was time to get back to it. To get back to a normal gym routine. Something that would result in me liking the body that stared back at me in the mirror.

 But I noticed something as I attempted to get back to my routine. What hours in the day that I had now…usually involved me running between jobs. Some days I had time to eat at home. Other times it was mostly me using my 7-11 App to get points and discounted food. What time I had was usually focused on work. But since I just left Toxic Work Environment Land over this very thing, I was not in any mood to do this again. However, what time I had was either for writing or for the gym. Because of that, I noticed it more.

 I couldn’t seem to do both.

 So…what to do? How do I get the life balance back that I had?

 The Wall

 Not to say that I didn’t give it a good college try.

 I put down the weight. It felt good to be back in my gym in North Park. I had gotten so used to being there and being on it. How could I have lost so much time away from it. Oh, yeah, I worked too much. Still…my mind had been on something as I worked on maintaining my focus on my reps.

 What was next for Darkened Tabula? When would I have time to do the next step? Should I be using time to work on finding a cover?

 Or…there I would be in front of my laptop. My eyes narrowed. My hand reached for my mug of coffee. In front of me would be covers or a paragraph. Then my mind would think…

 …should I have gone to the gym that day? Would I be working out from home in the next day or so? When was a good time to jog?

 It was so clear. When my mind was on one, I would be doing the other. And when I was doing the other, there I was thinking about the one thing I was not doing.

 And worse than that? There would be the weeks where I made progress. Oh, I finished the synopsis for Darkened Tabula. Oh, I collected all the chapters together into a manuscript. Yay, I made it to the gym! Yay, I got a jog in! Awesome, I got my gym average back! Then there would be weeks of inaction due to my work schedule.

 What to do, what to do. You know what it felt like? It felt like I was banging my head against a wall, expecting something to change. In a word…Frustration.

  Getting It Together

 You know why I love the gym.

 Because in order for a person to get to the condition that they would like to get to, a person had to learn discipline. They had to learn focus. Of course, they had to also realize that showing up itself was progress.

 How was one to get that progress if they did not show up? Or focus on the correct way to do a rep? Or to have the discipline to do sets on different body parts. And really if I couldn’t learn any of that, how was I going to be able to finish a book.

 I could talk about how my old job put me through so much crap over the years. However, the truth of the matter was that while I was there, I self-published FOUR books while I worked there. FOUR. And it was never easy, but I found time to work on each and every one of them. I had the focus, the discipline, and progressed from day to day. So really, there was no one to blame over this last year for my lack of progress, but one person.

 Me.

 And this was a new year. Did I want to repeat the past year where I talked about working on Darkened Tabula and Darkened Soul: The Breaking of Circles, or did I want to actually finish those books…not to mention get back to a more balanced routine that allowed me to live a life while at the same time following my goal of being a modestly successful author?

 So…game on!!! Time to get it together.

   #newyear #newyou #writing #manifesto #nye #flashback #balance #maintaining #gameon #paths #gym #routine #arkansas #transplant #getittogether #711 #dadbod #toxicworkenvironment #toxic #walls #frustration #workinprogress #rhoa

[fastpacedfreefall]

InuKag Week Day 5: Jealousy

AN: I’m gonna get back on track today if it kills me.

I included a few of my personal InuKag fanbabies in here, but the majority of the focus is still on Inu and Kag. My mom recently had a health scare, and it got me to thinking about how parents see their personal hurts and losses in relation to their own children. Idk, I'm not explaining it very well.

Kemari is, in the plainest words, a Japanese version of hacky-sack. Wikipedia can explain it better than I.

Hiroaki is the eldest, about 8 or 9. Yumiko is around 3 or 4.

Can also be read here

Hope you guys enjoy!!

Inuyasha tried to ignore it at first.

Nothing about the scene should have set him off—it was just he and Hiro coming back from a hunting trip, Hiro's chest puffed out over the young boar he'd managed to take down before his father could stop him.

(Maybe if he said the kid snuck away from him, Kagome wouldn't kill him over the shredded kosode.)

They had just passed through the last copse of trees hiding the hut, and Yumiko's squeal was the first sound to greet them as she slipped out of her mother's grasp to take a running leap into his arms.

“Good hunt,” she asked, reaching up to hold onto the beads.

“Very good hunt,” he rumbled back, bouncing her a bit while Kagome rushed over to look Hiro over for wounds. Her pointedly raised eyebrow and pursed lips told him that they would be Talking about this later, but she pushed her concern aside for the moment and let a proud, beaming smile wash over her face instead. Hiro whined as she pulled him into a tight hug and gushed about how proud she was of him and how fast he was growing up, his ears laying flat against his hair in embarrassment. Nothing about it was strange or unusual, but it made Inuyasha feel like a hand was twisting his gut.

A pair of warm, familiar arms swung him in a wide circle before pulling him to her chest in a tight hug. The bird he'd leapt off the roof to take down lay off to the side, forgotten in favor of his mother's excited praise.

He hadn't thought about that in years, and the scene in front of him was so familiar that it ached like a physical blow. It had been his first hunt, and she'd been so proud of him, that it made her death just a few months later even more agonizing. He knew the kills themselves made his mother uncomfortable, but she couldn't stop saying how impressed she was with his instinct—that he was so much like his father.

Then she was gone, and there was no one to see his milestones. No one to give him any kind of praise that wasn't a mocking comment on how good he was at getting the shit beaten out of him.

He watched Kagome continue to commend Hiroaki, Yumiko having jumped down to join the hugging and laugh at Hiro's bright red face. His children would never know that kind of misery, even should anything happen to him or Kagome, and a sense of gratitude replaced that awful tightness as he went to join his family.

It stayed in the back of his mind, though.

*

It should have been just a sweet moment between father and daughter. It shouldn't put a lump in her throat.

Kagome had been finishing up some laundry, the late spring day encouraging her to stay outside as much as possible. She hadn't been the only one feeling the pull, as a nearby shriek reminded her, and Yumiko came rushing over after her wayward ball. She gave her mother a toothy grin before bolting back to where Inuyasha waited to continue their game. Yumiko had become fascinated with kemari after Shippou's tales of the ridiculously complex games the other training kitsune would come up with in their downtime, and Inuyasha had surprised her with a ball he'd made himself one day. Kagome knew the game held some particularly painful memories for him, so the fact that he would put it aside to indulge their daughter...

Well, let's just say she'd quickly instructed Hiro to take his ecstatic sister into the village to show her friends, so she could show Inuyasha her appreciation.

Yumi wasn't all that good at it yet; she was more likely to kick herself or slip on the grass than hit the ball back, but was just as stubborn as the rest of her family and refused to give up. On the few occasions that she did kick it back, Inuyasha would run up to swing her into a big hug, making her squeal loud enough to fill the clearing around their house. It was the most precious thing she'd ever seen.

Which made the burning around her eyelids come with an extra helping of guilt.

“That's my girl!”

Kagome's four-year-old body could barely contain her pride at her father's praise, his grin shining as bright as the sun as he ran after the soccer ball. This was their thing, their little slice of time together, kicking the ball back and forth and happy shouts filling the shrine grounds.

After her father's death, Kagome couldn't bring herself to pull the old ball out of where she'd thrown it into her closet, not without the promise of his sunny smile at the other end. When Souta had taken up the sport, she'd been supportive, and had gifted him with the best ball she could afford for his birthday, but her ball remained hidden. She loved her brother dearly, but she couldn't give away one of the few memories only she had shared with their father.

She should be so happy, and a large part of her was. Her children will never grow up with the hole of their father's absence in their hearts, watching their mother struggle to bring them a sense of normalcy while she dealt with her own grief.

She couldn't kill the pang of hurt in her heart, though.

*

Apparently she hadn't been as successful at covering her sadness as she thought, because that night, after the children had both drifted off to sleep, Inuyasha joined her by the fire. His eyes bored into her past the front she'd been putting up, recognizing the same hurt in her that he'd felt himself, and he pulled her into his lap without a word, his chin going to its usual resting place atop her head. She let out a shuddered sigh, gripping his haori to center herself, and they let themselves grieve together with matching watery smiles.

They would never rid themselves entirely of the sense of loss, but they could face it down the way they did every other obstacle: together.

[woodswiwrapup-blog]

New Look Packers?

The Green Bay Packers wrapped up their Organized Team Activities on Monday. They held three of the OTA practices open to the public. This gave fans, and media, a first look at the team with newly signed free agents and draft picks. Since the moment players like Jimmy Graham and Muhammed Wilkerson were signed, fans were eager to see how they would look in the green and gold. Draft picks, Jaire Alexander and Josh Jackson, also had fans buzzing during OTAs. 

Without having physically checked out the OTAs myself, I have relied on Packers beat writers and reports, as well as the team’s social media accounts to stay up to date. Based off what I have seen from their day-to-day posts, there is a lot to look forward to this season for the Packers. 

Up next for the Packers, they will hold mandatory minicamp from June 12-14. After the conclusion of minicamp, the team will be off until Training Camp, which starts July 26. 

Below you will find all of the moves the Packers have made to improve the team, and an outlook on the 2018 season. 

Offseason Changes

Most notably after the season ended, the Packers parted ways with General Manager, Ted Thompson. He served as Green Bay’s GM since 2005. But after an all around disappointing season, a change was necessary.  

Additionally, the Packers fired their offensive coordinator, Edgar Bennett, and defensive coordinator, Dom Capers. The Packers felt as though it was time to move on from Bennett, so they brought back former offensive coordinator, Joe Philbin. He was previously the team’s offensive coordinator from 2007-2011. To replace Capers, the Packers hired Mike Pettine. Mike Pettine’s defenses have never finished outside of the top ten in total defense in the NFL. However, Green Bay’s defenses have not finished in the top ten since 2010. The additions of Philbin and Pettine are huge for the success of the Packers in 2018.

Finally, at the start of the league new year, the Packers made a rather surprising, player change. They traded cornerback Damarious Randall to the Cleveland Browns for quarterback DeShone Kizer. The teams also swapped fourth and fifth round 2018 draft picks. Randall had been the Packers number one corner in 2017, but he had been rather hit or miss during his career. Nonetheless, the trade was shocking. What would it mean for the Packers secondary? Why did the Packers need another quarterback? Well, the Packers coaching staff sees promise in Kizer, and feels that he can be the backup in the future. For more on how the Packers secondary will be affected, continue reading about the Packers free agency acquisitions.  

Free Agency 

The Packers were active in free agency for what feels like the first time in forever. Yes, they made a few signings last year, but those did not pan out the way that they had hoped. This season however, the free agent signings look to have a big impact. 

New Packers General Manager, Brian Gutekunst, brought in one of the best pass-catching tight ends, Jimmy Graham. Gutekunst was able to lure Graham away from his former team, the New Orleans Saints. This signing shocked me, I really thought that Graham would reunite with the Saints. I am beyond excited to see what he will do with Aaron Rodgers throwing to him. Graham is a huge threat in the red zone. In fact, he had the most receiving touchdowns in the red zone in 2017, with ten. Just imagine the possibilities with Rodgers throwing at him.

Additionally, the Packers added to their depth at tight end by signing Marcedes Lewis. He spent the previous 12 seasons with the Jacksonville Jaguars. Lewis is also considered one of the best blocking tight ends in the game. This aspect of his game will be a great improvement from what the Packers currently have. But not to be forgotten, he can be a threat in the pass game. Though, the numbers may not look like it over the last four seasons. From 2014-2017, Lewis had 78 receptions for 919 yards and eight touchdowns. However, in the two seasons prior, he had 77 receptions for 899 yards and eight touchdowns. 

Furthermore, the Packers made moves to improve their defense. They signed defensive lineman, Muhammad Wilkerson, and brought back cornerbacks Davon House and Tramon Williams. Wilkerson spent that last seven seasons with the New York Jets. His addition to the Packers adds to the already exciting defensive line of Mike Daniels and Kenny Clark. House was re-signed in 2018, after being brought back in 2017. He previously played for the team from 2011-2014, before spending the next two seasons with the Jaguars. Williams is being brought back to add a veteran presence to the Packers secondary. He previously played for the team from 2006-2014, before spending the last three seasons with the Cleveland Browns and Arizona Cardinals. All three of these veteran players should improve the Packers defense, which has not been strong lately. 

Finally, the Packers brought in offensive lineman, Byron Bell. He previously played for the Panthers, Titans, and Cowboys. Bell could ultimately be the replacement for current Packers lineman Bryan Bulaga. Bulaga tore his ACL last season, which was the second tear of his professional career. He has also had multiple other injuries during his time with the Packers, resulting in him only playing a full 16 games twice in his eight seasons. 

Draft 

The 2018 NFL Draft took place in Dallas, Texas, April 26-28. This was the first time that the Packers had a top 20 draft pick since 2009, when they held the ninth overall selection. They were originally scheduled to pick 14th. However, on draft night, new GM, Brian Gutekunst, traded to the pick to the New Orleans Saints, for the 27th pick and their 2019 first round pick. Initially, this upset many fans, myself included. Why would we trade our highest pick in almost ten years? Every player that would be a good fit with the Packers was still available. But then, Gutekunst made a trade with the Seattle Seahawks, to move back in to the top 20. With the newly acquired 18th overall pick, the Packers selected cornerback, Jaire Alexander, out of Louisville. The player they wanted all along. 

This draft by the Packers was one of their best in recent years. They addressed all of their needs. The Packers used their first three draft picks on defense. These picks included cornerbacks Jaire Alexander and Josh Jackson, and linebacker Oren Burks. Addressing the needs in secondary was important for the Packers. It has been constantly costing the Packers games year after year. Alexander and Jackson could be the missing pieces this defense needed. 

With the departure of Nelson, and uncertainty at the position, outside of Adams and Cobb, the Packers needed to address the wide receiver position. They did just that in the draft by selecting, J’Mon Moore, Marquez Valdes-Scantling, and Equanimeous St. Brown. All three of these receivers are tall, athletic, and can really improve the Packers current wide receives room. 

Looking Ahead 

The Packers will kick off their 100th season in primetime at Lambeau Field. It will be a showdown of the NFL’s oldest rivalry, Green Bay Packers and Chicago Bears. This will not be the first time that these two teams are meeting week one. They also met week one of the 2015 season, a game that the Packers won 31-23. In games started by Aaron Rodgers, the Packers have a 15-4 record against the Bears. I cannot wait to watch the classic rivalry under the lights at Lambeau! 

The week one game is one of five primetime games for the Packers in 2018. The other primetime match-ups include: week six against the 49ers on Monday Night Football, week nine at New England on Sunday Night Football, week 11 in Seattle on Thursday Night Football, and week 12 in Minnesota on Sunday Night Football. The Packers tie a league-lead with their five primetime games this season. 

Furthermore, the Packers will be getting starting quarterback Aaron Rodgers back from a broken collarbone. This injury limited him to nine games in 2017, and has him as a leading candidate for the 2018 Comeback Player of the Year Award in the NFL. Additionally, with all the help that the team has given him, Rodgers is set up for having another successful season in 2018. 

Finally, new number one wide receiver, Davante Adams, will continue to climb the ladder of success. He was given a 4-year contract extension prior to the final game of the 2017 season. Showing the Packers have confidence in his abilities, despite his concussion history. I have the same confidence in Adams. I believe that this will finally be the season that he reaches 1,000 receiving yards. He has been so close the last two seasons, having 997 yards in 2016, and 885 in 2017. He had a legitimate shot at reaching the milestone last season, however, he suffered a concussion against the Panthers, and had to miss the final two games. 

[angstcollection]

After some time, I’ve wondered why I become a mess once I have sought relationships filled with promises of love, understanding, and reasonable communication.

It turned into everything I wanted had to be and I disregarded what was happening in front of me, to the not caring enough and then turns out I came off like I didn’t care, to the giant turmoil of figuring out the toxic signs with a big hang up bent out on regrets.

As a strong believer of just knowing when to step aside or step up, is a big thing in the decision making world of your own.

My wonderful world, with love and intimacy in mind, is a ruler of my logical disputes within myself of how one goes about being outside of themselves. Other than their own desires how do they use it to what influences. Which option are they more likely to take based on recent events aside from their environmental development as a child, it’s a pattern or puzzle that I’ve obsessed myself with for years.

So with this one individual, I am afraid to let go with him because I don’t what high hopes brewing in my mind. There is an intensity that keeps me bogged down and then words confirm the terror within me.

My experiences are dull in the field of who I can recollect opening up to. I can be very cynical of other’s intentions. From the antics to the breaths they take, I indulge in the beauty of humanity.

I have registered love as a form of violence without passion and sex is my release of these deep seeded thoughts of if I’m even alive. It’s not a painful situation. It’s an epiphany of my fight to use this knowledge to guide, alert, and rebel against the forces to compromise on national standards.

This one knows.

This friend.

This situation.

This weird feeling whenever I feel them in my life.

I hate being accused by them in every part of my being. Especially in my view on them because I am terrified of being intimate with him due to my constant feel he wouldn’t ever care or love me more than I can love myself.

I’ve become vulnerable after being so afraid to be vulnerable for years and lift the chins of the warriors before me. I gobble up my moments of weaknesses and find my way of contributing, yet it depends on what field I am that will amount to success.

So what is this impression?

I guess I realize that he wants me to know he will not ever love me nor will love ever be on the table.

It’s tough to love a comrade that lies through their teeth in an attempt to conform. A reflection of what I use to crave at a young age, never seeking a husband but someone to kiss and have fun doing activities with. I don’t understand.

I didn’t care for the thought of companionship after I lost my virginity to be honest. Not one truth was heard beyond my desires and mindset of getting my money with my efforts, trades, charisma. I just needed good company and good dick to make for a decent love life and almost considered becoming asexual thanks to my solitude growing up.

Where I fucked up is that the experience that I got consumed is had a limit that I forgot to abide by.

So these impressions of me are interesting on the other side of the spectrum.

Drunk messages from a man who has ‘always’ been my friend for over 5 years, making these confessions that I overlooked because I chose not to believe him.

I chose to play the situation as I thought it was taken; just another sex game of enticement when shit was hitting the fan.

Everything becomes a blur when I’m around them, as if there is a flow where they see a new side of me from my perspective and yet, he doesn’t notice the antics I feel from an octave, alignment, vocabulary all the reveal a worthy excerpt of a desire.

What am I getting out of this?

Even when I am asked why I love them, the answer is diluted.

I love them because from the moment I’ve met them, they have been lively. Intoxication or not became less of a factor as long as outside world means were met. They worked, I worked, no IOUs, no heartbreak stories.

A movie, good conversations, and good intent.

Once I kept getting invited out, it felt weird to be treated nicely by a well-mannered, intelligent, and yet an alcoholic that has his eye on me for cuddles, laughs, and sex.

Another moment that caught me off guard was a kiss in front of a friend of his. I didn’t do that with fuck buddies nor fwb. Did he know that? I guess not.

Another moment turns into several of them of me being a shy mess with him, yet when other people would engage in conversation with me, it felt even more awkward.

These thoughts make this feel emotional from a different angle of how transparent I am of keeping my sex life in the down low.

I enjoy flirting and teasing; I’m not about it unless it’s a girls night and I get to hear their sex life too. So what is this impression that I am helplessly in love?

After I was ghosted, the friend became my boyfriend after several months of feeling nothing but a shell running on empty. I felt like I had done something wrong. As if what I asked or said or did at any level was the problem without a word from the only other one who could clear the air.

A little less than a year later...

I’m in a relationship where my concern became making money and starting my own business, I just didn’t know exactly what my niche was. Unfortunately I moved in with said friend/bf 3 months after dating and ended being foolish enough to let him move in thinking, this is my life & I didn’t expect to ever see him again.

Soon the confusion began. All I care to recap in this is that for 2 years, I have never felt so much in my entire life. My only focus was being a good friend while my said bf just wanted his advantages of just picking and choosing the strength of any situation for his ego. I was on a crazy verge of regretting the moment I let myself get talked into dating someone being nice to me.

I actually thought it might’ve been what I needed to move on since, again, my mind was set.

**the memory of them getting mad at me for finishing my anime episode rather than having sex once they finished their online gameplay. Even tho I then came back with giving them a blowjob after, I got shunned.**Oct 2014**

Back to the new highlight of now them coming over to my home to pick up almost weekly, started a relationship in front of me, attempted to stay with her for the same amount of time, they fought mainly over his drinking or antics, whatever is whatever because they can surely grow out of it.

I had my shit to focus on.

Then it all got confusing again when he would drink and would love to get my mouth shut every chance he could. It was an interesting reaction to my existence.

Even when I couldn’t stand him and I found every way to stay away from him. Eventually I would be warmed up to loosen up, not taking everything seriously. To me that meant not taking the person’s intentions towards me seriously after a milestone has been placed for me to see. From the moments he spent the nights where I stayed to filling his own void, there was a strong pressure in the air over him that everyone seemed to notice.

I convinced myself it wasn’t real.

It didn’t matter what he said to me back then.

I wouldn’t ever believe even if I were to ask everyone else to give me an idea. I didn’t believe either side of a story that was worse than hearing about a school shooting. That’s the intensity of how distracted I felt when his name would ring in my ear.

This voice and laughter was intoxicating.

Just the energy alone was alright even if I wasn’t right there, I didn’t like it but given the circumstances, I refuse to forfeit my love of indoor living until I feel like exploring. Something always pulled into the room with him, being spoken to or not being spoken to, to simple requests when they asked for a massage out of the blue.

He trusted me at some point of this entire encounter.

Did he think I trusted him?

Did I give that impression?

Did I trust him? Not once.

Even once his words came to me in waves of a sense of possibilities based on the time span of knowing them, I raised judgement to a personality crisis. Is he interested in something more with me?

What is he expecting of me when he confined in me the scars of his labors?

I bear as a witness of multiple confessions, unless my sense of self was occupied with friends that meant the world to me after I invested in my bank account and way of living. No nonsense, just results and discipline to just get the shit down. Don’t make an excuse for why you’re slacking off.

Roll up your sleeves and do what you know you can.

~In my top 5 favorite Ghibli films, ‘As The Wind Rises’ really stuck out to me when it came to having a passion in a niche that seems out of reach. It’s possible, just from different angles. ~

Instead, I let a barrier slip away once he advanced me with talking rather than flirty complicated physical advances. I didn’t want him. I didn’t pay attention to anything other than sleep, food, work, and again, good company. I don’t remember how long it was before I gave in to an opportunity to hang out alone, I guess.

The second time it was will power of commitment and blood boiling situations.

The third time was a moment of weakness to act like I learned a lesson. My attempts to be in a relationship while balancing this connection between he and I. I’m not sure if I thought of him as a friend to me.

It’s always felt like he saw me as something else.

I don’t know what it is. I try not to guess or assume because it’s none of my damn business.

I do know that each time my mind is clear, kissing him when it’s us feels like a relief.

We aren’t who we were then.

I’m not who I was back then.

I just remember being able to feel an intensity without an overly attached obligation to find fault.

I remember him saying I would die if he and I ever dated, curious it was made clear between us both.

Does he know I am afraid to love him intimately?

Does he not realize that the things I love about myself are shown in a different way?

The way I express myself is more than just a dramatic banter into the bottle or more arms to hold, I’m looking to escape my body.

I even kept thinking it must be the sex. So I glorified and made it evident that’s all it is and all it will ever be. That’s how it should be.

I planted this view on every soul that bothered to make haste in my line of vision. Questioned motives and observed the reactions to being able to speak my mind.

Moving on is the suggestion, yet something pulling me in that made me think for years of what I did wrong for him to ghost me.

I recall asking what our connection was outside of having sex since if I talked to someone else, I would end it then and there. If there was nothing going on then I would call it a day.

Next thing I know, I’m in the cataclysm of guys stemming from my encounter with him to someone thinking we were dating after I thought I made it clear I wasn’t interested. He knew when it came to my love life, I shut myself down after him.

To avoid the thought, I kept focusing in on work, enjoying life and keeping my head above water as much as I could. More guys came to take a shot and I am to blame for anticipation to possibly get a chance to talk to him. What would I say?

I kept getting this feeling of distraught after one person did nothing but talk bad about him. Back to back..kind words were out of the picture when it came to him. At that point, I became quiet and distant with anything dealing with thoughts of the fling back in July 2014 to Oct 2014. Losing work shortly after didn’t help since it was temporary.

‘I’m so happy for you and XXXX relationship, Kristin’ with honey gold eyes that came out on a rare case.

It has to be a delusion made from knowing that at any moment, someone could trip me up worse than I have ever been and I will not ever be convinced, so I won’t try it out.

Now, I am here thinking about the night I didn’t understand the weight of how much I messed up with being a complete asshole. Not wanting to hurt him yet also not wanting to be hurt by him.

I didn’t want to sacrifice myself to him. I don’t see him as an enemy.

I see him as someone that I know I must care about from a distance until I know he means anything.

I don’t question his knowledge as much as I do his tactics at times, then again, I know nothing other than he gets shit done. Period.

So what is this impression?

Does he know me?

Showing subtle signs or certain words he says makes me ponder for a few times before I confront the matter or not.

Even agreeing that my impulses will certainly be my demise if I keep it up. I am not afraid to admit if I have a thing for someone and it’s not that serious.

Then again, if he is looking for something of a committed relationship, why is a friendship on the table with little to nothing in common but two bad tempered shit talkers, anime loving, and possibly polar opposite individuals?

Even worse that I get pure butterflies with him where I small talk or attempt to stay clear of intimacy.

Then I give off the thought and I’m like fuck, am I trying to avoid it or expecting for that to be a thing?

I mean..I do feel touchy with those that I am true fwb (usually one person tbh) and then the whole predicament gets more complicated.

In my head.

With this flow.

I shouldn’t be thinking about it nor overthinking it.

I just wanted to figure out the best way to relieve my heavy heart filled with the unfortunate notion that I have met my first checkmate in a situationship.

{Picture Relation: He mentioned the Anime Bersek to me and ever since, I’m drawn to re-educating myself in the compassion of how this resonates with my always have been friend)

[paulsebastiani-blog]

Sports media internship

Entry One: Preparedness and assimilation 

Transition into professional practice helped enormously in my ability to understand what to expect when entering a professional media environment. 

This subject in semester one taught me how to communicate professionally and understand the values of an organisation prior to applying for our internships.

The foundation I had leading into internships this semester was very strong. The four years spent at the Northern Blues as a media officer coupled with the theoretical component of transition to professional practice had me very confident of my ability to make an immediate impact with SEN and the Herald Sun. 

One aspect I found myself under prepared for well before the first semester this year was my resume and cover letter writing. 

With the guidance of lecturer Robbie Coyle I was able to create a comprehensive resume as well as a cover letter to enhance my prospects of getting the internship I desired. 

Another area I felt I lacked in was how to handle the interview process with prospective employers.

The STAR technique above assisted me in handling my interviews with the internship partners. Here I was able to definitively layout my experiences to prove to the prospective employer I could handle myself in the professional workplace. 

Furthermore, the assimilation into workplace culture with both the Herald Sun and SEN/Croc Media was very smooth. Two of my biggest passions are conversing and writing about AFL and Horse Racing of which both sports are held in high regard at both organisations. 

One of the reasons I decided to choose both these organisations to do my internship at was because prior to commencing the internship I felt the values between them and I were a congruent fit. 

Taylor (2004) contends culture is created from messages received about how people are expected to behave in your organisation.  

At both organisations it was expected that you understood and spoke about to sport in order to assimilate into the workplace environment. 

Taking in the attitude of understanding that workplaces will have a general culture but is made up of different types of people I believed helped me gain popularity in both offices. 

Understanding how people communicate differently was also an important part of assimilating in work place culture. At the Herald Sun there was less communication about the work they wanted to be complete, it was more an expectation that you would understand what needed to be written. 

At SEN there was a little bit more guidance and it felt like a family inside the office. A small team who are very close and love to socialize while doing their work, whereas the Herald Sun was a very professional culture. 

I found I was able to fit into both environments quiet nicely. 

REFERENCES: 

Taylor, C 2004, ‘The Power of culture: turning the soft stuff into business advantage’, The Power of culture: driving today’s organisation, 1st edn., McGraw-Hill, NSW. 

Enterprise 2019, ‘Tips on using the STAR technique to answer job interview questions’, Enterprise, viewed 1 October 2019, https://careersblog.enterprise.co.uk/tips-on-using-the-star-technique-to-answer-job-interview-questions/

Entry Two: Finding my feet 

The initial first few weeks at both SEN and the Herald Sun were full of nervous energy. 

At SEN it was all about understanding the program they use to write their online content with and how they promote the content via their social media strategy. 

At the Herald Sun it was understanding how to frame the most newsworthy articles from AFL club press conferences. 

On my first articles at SEN was an article about Melbourne Storm captain Cameron Smith as seen below. 

This was a great milestone for me to have my work published on a professional media organisation’s website. 

Despite this putting a big grin on my face, it was the first article I ever had published in the Herald Sun that made me feel warm and fuzzy inside. 

On my second day at the biggest circulating newspaper in the country I was assigned the job of heading down to the Essendon Football Club in Tullamarine. The goal was to get a story from their press conference headed by senior coach John Worsfold. 

This was the final product below. 

In my first two days there I was not really sure whether my work would be of a high enough standard to be published for the Herald Sun. 

Thankfully, my doubts quickly turned into jubilation. A good grounding for writing as a result of the learnings undertaken in my course and prior writing experience at the Northern Blues held me in good stead.

One of the more challenging parts at the start of the SEN internship was my ability to hook the audience into clicking on my articles by using social media. 

At first I struggled to not give away the story on the social media post. However, as I progressed through the first handful of weeks I began to understand how the content managers wanted the posts to be formulated. 

One of the better social media posts I published was after I had written the match report for the Western Bulldogs vs Essendon game at Marvel Stadium. The Bulldogs had won comfortably but the story was about Essendon. 

The post gained 404 likes and 130 comments in addition to over 1000 clicks on the actual article. 

Finally, one of the first things I tried to do in the initial stages of both internships was to introduce myself to everyone I saw in the office and tell them what exactly my role there was. I found this helpful because it helped others understand you are new to the office and you may need to ask questions 99% of people working there already know the answer to. 

Being confident to ask questions when I was unsure was something I tried really hard to do upon starting my internships. 

Entry Three: Being an effective team member 

This was an integral part of whether or not my time spent as an intern at both organisations was a success. 

I believe the foundation of becoming an effective team member in a media organisation is effective communication with staff and management. 

One example which helped me be an effective team member at SEN was my level of communication and informing other team members exactly what I was working on. 

There was a morning where a horse racing story broke about a fraud case which I suggested I would work on. As I was publishing the article one of the other team members suggested it might be a good idea to write the article about the fraud case. 

It was at this point where I communicated to the team member that I was already working on the article and was about to publish it. This avoided any double ups and wasted time on an article that had already been written. 

This article was the most clicked/viewed article I wrote for the SEN racing team during my time there. It reached approximately 10,000 clicks on the SEN website. 

Furthermore, my time at Herald Sun involved weekly football meetings in a conference room at the Herald Sun sport offices. 

Here it was expected we would arrive with pen and paper in hand by 10:30am every Tuesday morning to jot down the main issues and areas of focus for the upcoming week of football. 

It was also expected that I contribute in the meeting which I did on all occasions. This is where I suggested I would head out to Alastair Clarkson’s press conference to try and formulate an article about Hawthorn. 

At that point in time they were at the forefront of the news with Clarkson being approached by Carlton and veteran player Shaun Burgoyne being courted by the Gold Coast Suns.

However, given my news sense I wanted to take a different angle and tell a different story to the one most people already knew. 

This is what I eventually contributed to the AFL writing team at the Herald Sun for Saturday’s newspaper. 

Entry Four: Challenges 

Just like any new adventure there are always challenges. 

One of the main challenges during my internships was my ability to always be keeping an eye on attention to detail. 

Whether that be filing stories to write the person/editor, ensuring all my grammar and punctuation is correct, ensuring I spell names correctly, and ensuring all my research and statistical evidence used in my articles is accurate and up to date. 

One of the challenges faced during my time at the Herald Sun and SEN is time management. 

My ability to set out a rigid routine to set up my day is still a work in progress. It is something I am trying to continually getting better at. 

Tracy (2014) contends those who manage their time well are able to confident, positive and in control of their lives. 

Tracy (2014) also highlights how self-esteem can be determined by how you use your life and time in the development of your full potential. Tracy (2014) goes on to state that there is a two-pronged effect here where your self-esteem increases the more efficient you are and decreases the less efficient you are. 

This was definitely clear in my first day out on the field at Tullamarine with the Herald Sun. Although I was excited for the job ahead of writing an article, the pressure of making sure I used my time wisely saw me stumble a bit. I was unsure of the lead for the story. 

Here I remained calm, set aside 15 minutes to listen back to the audio of the press conference and from there finished my first article within an hour of the press conference finishing. 

When my article went to print the following day my confidence levels spiralled upwards. 

One of best pieces of educational content I have listened to about challenges is in the above video from clinical psychologist Dr. Jordan Peterson. 

Using this to motivate me in times of hardship during my internship and especially during a tough year in my personal life has allowed me to face my challenges head on. 

Another specific challenge I faced during my internships was having the confidence to suggest new ideas. 

Being a novice in the industry and relatively inexperienced compared to those employees who have been in the media industry full-time for decades, suggesting new ideas an intern was at times daunting. 

For me, it was purely based on the idea I did not know how the ideas would be received. 

But it was at this point that I rose to the occasion. 

While creating content for SEN Racing, during the Melbourne Cup parade I suggested it would be a good idea to get a quick snap shot of each owner/trainer/connection and compile a video of all of them. 

My content manager Andrew Slevison thought the idea was great and the video ended up reaching over 3,000 views. 

We were then able to use the quick interview I had with Craig Williams and post it as a seperate video after he won the Melbourne Cup on Vow and Declare. 

It was great to see my idea being utilised in more than one way.

References

Tracy, B 2014, Time Management, AMACOM, 20 January, viewed 10 September 2019, https://ebookcentral-proquest-com.ezproxy.holmesglen.edu.au/lib/holmesglen/reader.action?docID=1390903

You need to be challenged in life - Jordan Peterson | Motivational video 2018, online video, 8 August, created by WisdomTalks, viewed 1 June 2019, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mEhrcLYdUA

Entry Five: Achievements 

There were many achievements to list during my time as an intern at both the Herald Sun and SEN. 

The first achievement that comes to mind and will be with me throughout my media career is the first article I ever had published in the Herald Sun. 

To have my work published in the biggest circulating newspaper in the country was a surreal moment and one that I will cherish for a long time. 

It was an article about Essendon Football Club captain Dyson Heppell coming back from a footy injury. 

To have nearly a half page of my work go into the newspaper was a very special moment. 

My family even the cut the article and have kept it as a memento. 

Another huge achievement of mine was again for the Herald Sun. 

This time it was completing a major project in conjunction with the Herald Sun’s graphic designer. 

We were required to complete a comprehensive Brownlow Medal form guide over a double spread of the top 15 players in the betting markets. 

It was a two week project which required me to research and punch in all the statistics and my own comments about how each player went in every round they played. 

From here I supplied a tip about whether or not a player would be likely to poll three votes, poll two or one or not poll at all. 

Below is the final product and Gary Lyon off SEN even used it as his form guide for his Monday morning breakfast radio show! 

For my own career development, one of the biggest achievements was a series of events that occurred while working for SEN. 

For the entire spring carnival I worked closely with head of SEN Racing and executive producer Trent Masenhelder. 

It was an absolute joy to immerse myself in the cut and thrust of the spring carnival and understand the work ethic and standard required to be an efficient producer, broadcaster and journalist. 

My week would involve ticking off a racing tips preview where Andrew Slevison and I would run our eyes over the form guide and give the SEN audience our best bets for feature races over the spring carnival. 

It would then see me head to the race track and usually right around two to three articles per race meeting. One of the main feature race and the rest a summation of other races that had occurred on the day. 

Our coverage of the Melbourne Cup parade was also a great achievement of mine. And getting to interview the subsequent winning trainer and jockey of the race that stops a nation was very special. Not too sure how many interns can tick that off their list... 

Entry Six: Career aspirations 

Heading into the internship I had my eyes set on finding a full-time career in one of either the AFL or horse racing industry as a journalist/caller/presenter. 

My passion to work for both industries burns even brighter after my internships. 

Immersing myself so deeply into the spring carnival for three months has swayed me towards heading into the horse racing industry to start my career. 

Being a race caller or an AFL commentator has always been a dream, but the pathway for me at the moment would be to slot into the racing industry through a digital content role. 

Essentially, my short term goal is to quickly become a full-time employee in the horse racing media industry. 

Medium term would be to progress to television or video content as a tipster, form analyst, presenter and or writer. 

Long term I would love to progress to being a commentator full-time as my job. 

At the moment I have applied for two jobs with Racing.com and plan to sit down with them to discuss my career and where I see myself heading in the racing industry. 

I am hellbent on reaching my goals and want to commit 100% to a career I know I will be committed and passionate to. 

There is an understanding from a personal level that I need to chase my career objectives and work extremely hard to achieve them because the sport media industry is very competitive. 

Furthermore, enhancing my presence on social media and displaying my work on this platform will continue to further my career and enhance my prospects of reaching my employment goals. 

Escoffrey et.al (2018) state social media allows a person to share to the public and prospective employees their line of work and examples of their work. Escoffrey et.al (2018) also contend that a social media profile which is based on your career and output allows these sites to suggest job opportunities in your profession. 

A perfect example in this situation are the two roles I have applied for at Racing.com. Here I find one of the roles through Linkedin thanks to the my publicly displayed skill set as well as similar connections to Racing.com. 

Two of my connections at Racing.com stem from SEN and Holmesglen. 

The Senior Production Manager of Racing.com is Tristian Foenander and he worked at SEN for over 10 years. Here he established a great connection with my bosses Simon and Andrew who put me into contact with him. 

Alexie Beovich who is effectively the face of the Bachelor of Sport Media degree is now the digital marketing specialist for Racing.com and has also given me a leg up in the job application process. 

Without my network and career goals these connections and opportunities would not have been possible. 

References: 

Escoffery, C. et al. (2018) ‘Capitalizing on Social Media for Career Development’, Health Promotion Practice, vol. 19, no.1, pp. 11–15 https://journals-sagepub-com.ezproxy.holmesglen.edu.au/doi/pdf/10.1177/1524839917734522

Entry Seven: Supervisor evaluations 

My Herald Sun evaluation was about where I thought I performed in the time I spent there as a sports reporter. 

As the feedback suggested I am still a novice when it comes to writing fully fledged articles to a high professional standard for such a newspaper. 

The fact there were confident in printing numerous articles of my work during my time there showed my writing skill set is definitely good enough to make it in the journalism industry. 

Getting such a high score for my attitude is something I am definitely proud of. 

I also ensured I had a positive outlook on the day ahead and tried my hand at everything I was asked to do by my sport editors Danny Russell and Eliza Sewell. 

Taking the initiative is something I could have done a little bit more of during my time there. However I think I found doing my own little bits of research without hassling anyone worked well for me. 

The quality of my work is something I will continue to strive to get better at. 

I have taken on board the feedback from Danny about reading and writing a lot more than I currently do. 

The second of my internship evaluation’s was my performance at SEN/Croc Media. The mark here speaks volumes my output. 

A near perfect score of 18.5/20 overall showed my how committed I was to achieving great results with the organisation. 

My attitude going was to always be 100% focused on the task at hand when required. Sometimes it can be a bit difficult trying to stay focused when there is so much sport going on and you love to talk about it. 

This is an area I can definitely improve on as suggested in my feedback. 

Scoring in the range of exceptional and very good for all areas of the evaluation shows how well I fit in at SEN and the area of the media industry my current skill set would thrive. 

For me, fitting in and being accepted where I work is a crucial part of motivation it was great to see in the feedback from SEN that I was a joy to have in the office. 

Another area of feedback from SEN where continual improvement is required is my attention to detail. Grammar, spelling and punctuation are all areas that need to be nailed to ensure readers get good flowing articles to read. 

Overall, I was pleasantly surprised at how positive the feedback was from both organisations because I never knew how well my work would stack up until it was put to the test in the professional working environment. 

Entry Eight: Student showcase 

Entry Nine: Quarter Times

[witter-potter]

gmw band au ♫ album information + dancing in the sunshine 

trivia // riley matthews’ first and only solo studio album, while it receives no number one hits, it does hit number one on the itunes chart within 24 hours of digital release. contains six original songs, five covers and one bonus track. released about 18 months following the release of legacy and released partially due to the success of faith in me. 

tracklisting // 

“sweet sixteen” ♫  lyrics by riley matthews. a happy feel good track to start of the album, backed with piano, percussion and acoustic guitar with riley’s soft voice flooding the track. lyrics focus on important life milestones and the happiness that comes from celebrating them with the people you love most. trivia: penned following riley’s first birthday after starting her relationship with lucas, where she spent the whole day floating around cloud nine, which is evident in the lyrics of the track. 

“life knows what’s best” ♫ lyrics by riley matthews. a softer, quieter song on the album, with only guitar backing her. riley’s voice is quieter and less overwhelming on the track. song focuses on how it feels to know that life has brought you to the right place, and the right person and finally feeling like you are exactly where you belong. trivia: originally written for maya’s third album, but ultimately riley decided that it was too personal and close to her heart, so she saved it away, not knowing at the time that it would eventually be on an album of her own. 

“smile anytime” ♫  lyrics by riley matthews. the most pop sounding song on the album, with a peppy piano beat and an upbeat guitar backing. while it’s the most pop sounding song on the album, and the lyrics focus on being happy and always having a smile on your face, there’s an underlying dark tone to the song that’s evident in some of the lyrics about putting on a facade, even when you aren’t actually happy. trivia: the first song that riley penned and kept for herself, originally written directly after her relationship with charlie, before recording it, lucas was the only one who had read the lyrics. 

“gravity” ♫  lyrics by riley matthews. with only a piano accompanying her, riley’s voice is soft and contemplative as she sings about the friends that she has and that gravity that keeps them together. in a lot of ways, this song is a love letter to mad dogs, maya and smackle, all of whom have kept her in place and helped her stay who she is. trivia: the last song written for the album, penned one night when riley unable to sleep and began looking at pictures of herself and her friends. 

“i’m home” ♫  lyrics by riley matthews and lucas friar. an acoustic track with a ukulele and guitar backing her, riley happily sings about how sometimes a person can be home instead of a place, and how sometimes the best and safest place that you can be is in someone’s arms. the lyrics are happy and overwhelmed with love and it’s clear that whatever riley and lucas have is one of the realest things that there is. trivia: at first riley was hesitant about asking lucas to write a song with her for her album, but she felt like the album wouldn’t have been complete without his lyrical genius on at least one of the tracks. once she asked him, they wrote the song in one day. 

“jexica” ♫  lyrics by riley matthews. the most indie, rock track on the album, with more instrumental backing then the previous tracks, with a strong guitar and drum presence. lyrics focus on insecurity and hiding behind a persona, until the right person inspires you to finally break out of your shell and be who you really are, and live your life unashamed. by far the most popular song on the album with critics and credited with having a very mad dogs sort of feeling to it, mainly because both lucas & dave provide instrumental for the track. trivia: this song is riley’s first acknowledgment towards her penname of jexica and gives fans a truly introspective look at riley’s emotions and what being with lucas has truly meant to her.  

“pluto (maya hart cover)” ♫ lyrics by riley matthews. written originally for maya’s second album, and originally a poppy, upbeat track, riley mixes the track here to be more ballad like, with a stronger piano presence then the original maya recording. the lyrics discuss believing in someone so much and always having faith that someone is going to achieve their dreams and reach the stars. the song is a positive song that is heavily inspired by riley and maya’s friendship and was written after maya felt that she was in a slump following her debut album. trivia: when riley originally wrote the song for maya, maya wanted the song to be a duet. at the time, riley never wanted her voice on any track, so she declined, however following the release of riley’s album, if riley is ever at maya’s shows, maya will bring her on stage so they can sing it how maya always wanted them to. together. 

“hands (mad dogs cover)” ♫ lyrics by lucas friar. originally written and recorded for mad dog’s second album game night, riley’s cover is very similar to the original recording of the song, with mainly a piano and percussion present on the track. riley decided to not put too much of her own spin on it, because she loved the original far too much to change anything. riley performs piano on the cover with lucas taking the part of the drums, providing for a very intimate track. this is the only track on the album to use studio content, with the final moments of the song being lucas softly saying “you did so good.” as riley finishes out the final note. trivia: when asked about her decision to cover hands, as opposed to hands pt ii, riley claims that hearing hands for the first time was one of the most magical moments of her entire life and she wanted to try and capture just a little bit of that magic on her own album. 

“my horizon (maya hart cover)” ♫ lyrics by riley matthews and maya hart. written for maya’s fourth album, riley turns what was a sultry, jazzy ballad on artist in residence into an acoustic, indie rock song. with a strong guitar and percussion presence, the song also calls for farkle’s bass talents, and he provides a cello line on the track. penned by riley and maya together, the lyrics talk about how there is always new heights that you can reach and that there is never an end to the horizon that you’re trying to reach. it’s an inspirational track and in the end, it’s the track that challenges riley’s voice the most, but it was also one of the songs she felt most passionate about including. trivia: this song was penned in one night after a particularly rousing conversation between riley and maya when maya had believed that she had peaked with her third album. maya was ultimately the one who named the song, inspired by riley telling her that there was no end to her horizon and she should never believe that there’s no higher for her to go. maya credits this song with being the major push for her to write most of her fourth album and constantly credits riley with being her biggest inspiration for album number four. 

“forget about her (i will never)” ♫ lyrics by lucas friar. unlike every other song on riley’s album, this song has absolutely no musical backing, just riley and her voice. a small twist on the original track which is a piano ballad. originally written and recorded for flaws, riley claims that this was the first cover that she decided on singing. she was nervous about having an entire track just be her voice, but ultimately powered through. the entire mad dogs band + maya were in attendance at the recording, which was the push that riley needed to power through. if you listen carefully, you can hear her voice wobbling as she sings out the last lyric. trivia: riley purposefully put this song last on the album, in order to increase the impact that it would have on the listeners. she wanted listeners to understand that every feeling that lucas poured into the songs that he wrote about her, were exactly the same way that she felt about him and hoped that her cover of this song would highlight that. 

[coffeelevel8-blog]

2017 – A Year in Review // Winter Pasta with Slow-Cooked Kale, Kabocha Squash, and Golden Raisins

Although I’m a bit later than usual this year, my annual year-end post is one of my favorite things to write each year. I love reading other people’s posts, too, even people I don’t know personally. I like reflecting on how much growth and change and activity a single year can hold. It gives me perspective. But, if you’re not a big fan of this sort of thing, or of lengthy personal blog posts, skip on down to the end. There’s a recipe for a kale, golden raisin, and kabocha squash pasta that’s been getting me through this cold snap. I’ve made it four or five times to get the balance just right, and now it’s become my go-to winter pasta.

For those of you sticking with me for the long haul, let’s talk about 2017. For me, 2017 was the year of the wedding, first and foremost. After that, there was travel – but less of it than 2016 and 2015 and more of it for fun than for work. It was a year of great and easy friendships, of growing beautiful flowers, of work weekends in Maine. It was a good year, perhaps not a great year, but a good one.

The big thing – our wedding

Of course, we knew before the year even started that 2017 would be the year of the wedding. It dominated the whole year. Our wedding day turned out more beautiful than we had imagined, but it was a huge amount of work to get there. We had our wedding at my parent’s house in Maine, and it was very much a from-scratch affair. We built the barn by hand (and by we I mean mostly my parents), which was an enormous undertaking. We had gorgeous hand-made farm tables milled from trees on the property. I did my own flowers, and grew half of them. (As an aside, 2017 was 100% a year of flowers for me. I fell in love with flower gardening and arranging and I can’t wait to get my seeds started in the spring.) Every aspect of the wedding was personal and lovely, but it was so much work. I’m really glad we got married and had our closest friends and family there by our sides, and I’m really glad we’re not doing it again.

Twenty-eight countries and counting

Trevor and I kicked off the year with five weeks in Portugal, an incredible escape from the cold and dark of January in Boston. Of course, I was working the whole time, but we still got to explore on weekends and immerse ourselves in the wonderful Portuguese culture. I leave a little part of my heart everywhere I travel, but I left a big piece in Portugal. I miss the food and the wine, the lonely sounds of fado in tiny clubs, the white light reflecting off the cobblestones. I miss the café culture and the gentle winter sunshine. I miss the people, my coworkers and friends, who opened their hearts to us so easily. I miss the language, which I still practice almost daily, in hopes that I’ll need it again. I’m glad that we’re staying put this winter, after relocating for January and February in the past two years, but it was a wonderful experience to live in Lisbon.

In July, I took a long-anticipated trip to Iceland with three of my best girlfriends. It was a short trip – just five days – but absolutely packed. Iceland was stunning and wild, exceeding my already high expectations. It was also wonderful (if very tiring) to travel with friends, something I hadn’t done before beyond short weekend trips in the states. I already can’t wait to return to Iceland and continue exploring. And in November, we made a Thanksgiving trip to Colorado and Utah to visit my extended family. The sun was life-giving, and we were outside hiking in the beautiful desert every day.

And then of course, there was our honeymoon. We were gone three full weeks, making our way up the Croatian coastline, driving through the Slovenian alps, then wrapping up with a city break in Prague. It was an epic trip. It was also so nice to just be with Trevor for three weeks and… hang out. Of course we were exploring and adventuring but we were also just being us, something I had missed in the chaos leading up to the wedding. I’ll write about our trip properly someday, but for now, I’ll just mention the highlights. There was a sunset bike ride through the sleepy hill-top olive groves in Korcula, followed by an unforgettable candlelit dinner under pomegranate trees. We spent an afternoon drinking champagne and watching the sun slowly sink over the Adriatic at a seaside bar where you could climb down into the ocean at any point. We hiked up through the emerald gorges in Slovenia, following a wooden sign with a piece of cheese on it, until we reached a beautiful alpine valley with two houses, one of which did, indeed, serve us some cheese. We designed our own brewery tour in Prague, sampling the best of the Czech Republic’s beer scene. We fit so much into three weeks – it will be a hard trip to top.

For other work travel, there was one follow-up trip to Portugal in April, for my birthday in fact. Never have I received so many hugs on a single day. A July trip to Hong Kong and Singapore registers as barely a blip on my mental calendar of the year, although it was my first time in Singapore. I’ll be back to both countries in a few weeks, and I’m excited to escape the cold (and for the food! Always the food). Then just a few weeks ago, a December trip to a small town in Northern Ireland followed by two days in Dublin. I love Ireland for so many reasons but this trip was a blur, especially getting home just three days before Christmas. Overall, work travel felt much more manageable this year – hopefully I can carry that through into 2018.

The best people

I’m not particularly quick to make new friends – I’ve always done better with a small group of people I’m really close to. But after 6 years living in Boston, I have such a solid crew, many of them high school friends who have moved back to the area. They are all good, smart people who are easy to be with, and some of my best memories of this year were with them. A lazy August Sunday spent tubing down the Saco river was a highlight, as was a weekend at a friend’s Maine island cottage, complete with hours of wine-laced Molkky, a candlelit lobster dinner, the poetry reading that his father mandates, beautiful sailing, and a late night bonfire dance party. And, I almost forgot, our 10 year Andover reunion. I imagine most people don’t look forward to their high school reunions as much as we do. It was a blissful weekend full of super impressive people, an all day kickball lawn party (complete with kegs), midnight dancing, and collapsing on the lawn in fits of giggles around 2am. Sunday we couldn’t move, because we’re old now, but it was worth it. Add to this the many other dinner parties, bar nights, one epic scavenger hunt birthday party and a casual NYE game night turned dance party to close out the year, and it sums up to a year of really good playtime with really good friends.

Working and blogging and growing

I feel a huge amount of relief going into 2018 with an understanding of what I want this blog to be. I spent the first half of 2017 listening to blogging podcasts ad nauseam, investing in a new design and a mailing list and SEO plugins. I thought a lot about my content and who I wanted it to reach, and I pored over my analytics to understand how I could grow. Basically, I hustled. It was stressful and frustrating and overwhelming. And then somewhere in the middle of all that hustle I realized that I don’t want to blog as a business-owner. That’s not why I started, and that’s not what brings me joy. I have a stable, compelling career that I love and it’s not blogging – so why should I turn blogging into work when it doesn’t need to be? I want to create beautiful content and delicious recipes and tell stories as long as it feels like a hobby and not a chore. Of course, it’s nice when a hobby has financial perks, but making business success the goal of blogging took all the fun out of it. Realizing this has been so helpful.

On the flip side of this blogging decisions lies my real work. Although I went through a similar questioning phase about what I wanted my next career move to be, I came out the other side with the realization that I really like my job. I’m going into 2018 in a new role, with a team and multiple projects to manage, and I’m excited. I have a lot to learn but I work in a team with the smartest, best people, which makes all the learning and growing easier.

Now for 2018

I’ve been reflecting this week about how open 2018 feels. It’s a wonderful feeling. Of course, we have things planned – weddings to attend and house projects and a few trips with friends already on our calendar. But largely, the year feels full of potential, untethered to major life milestones. I’m excited to see where it takes us, what new opportunities and adventures it will bring. My intentions for 2018 are to bring a sense of calm into every day, to spend as much time as I can outside in nature, to prioritize my health, and to learn and grow.

Winter Pasta

And if you made it through all of that… I’m impressed. I’m guessing even my mother will skim this one. So now, what most of you are here for, a recipe for a delicious winter pasta. A few year’s back I read a magazine article about how you should always be finishing your pasta in the pan with the sauce and a splash of the pasta cooking water, and it has totally changed the way I cook pasta. It’s such a simple trick and it makes a huge difference. Since reading that article, I’ve been experimenting with what I think of as “perfect seasonal pastas.” I test them over and over again until they are just right, foolproof, and full of seasonal ingredients. So far I have a summer pasta, with heirloom yellow tomatoes and sweet onions, a creamy mushroom spaghetti that is irresistible in the fall, and a spring carbonara with ramps and meyer lemon zest. Over the past 5 or 6 weeks I’ve been testing what I’ve come to think of as my winter pasta, and I’m ready to share it. This pasta has tuscan kale and shallots slow-cooked in white wine, plump golden raisins, a hint of chile, and sweet roasted kabocha squash. It is hearty and wintery without being overly heavy or creamy. It’s on weekly rotation in our house and I hope it will be in yours, too.

Happy 2018 to all of you!

Past New Years’ posts…

2016: Feta and Onion Phyllo Pie 2015: Brown-Butter Chestnut Waffles with Poached Pears and Mascarpone 2014: Rye Blini, Smoked Salmon Dip, Russian Beet Dip, Pretty in Pink Cocktail 2013: Raspberry Sherbet Champagne Floats 2012: Butter-Roasted Cinnamon Chicken with Almonds and Pomegranates

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A seasonal winter pasta with slow-cooked Tuscan kale, roasted kabocha squash and golden raisins. Satisfying and warming without being heavy.

Inspired by Sunday Suppers at Lucques.

Author: Katie at the Kitchen Door

Yield: 2-3

Ingredients

1/2 small kabocha squash, peeled, seeded, and cut into 1/2 inch cubes

5 TBS olive oil, divided

sea salt and black pepper to taste

4 shallots, peeled and thinly sliced

4 cloves garlic, peeled and thinly sliced

1 sprig fresh rosemary, needles finely chopped

1 chile de arbol, broken in half (or 1/4 tsp red pepper flakes)

1 bunch Tuscan kale, center ribs removed, torn into bite-sized pieces

1/2 cup white wine

1/4 cup golden raisins

1/2 lb. orechiette pasta (or other similar shape)

1/2 cup freshly grated parmesan cheese

Instructions

Preheat the oven to 400F. Toss the cubed squash with 2 TBS of olive oil and spread out on a rimmed baking sheet. Season with sea salt and black pepper. Roast in the preheated oven until tender, about 25-30 minutes. Flip the squash cubes over halfway through cooking.

Bring a large pot of salted water to boil.

Heat 1 of the remaining tablespoons of olive oil in a large saute pan over medium-low heat. Add the sliced shallots, sliced garlic, chopped rosemary, and the chile de arbol to the pan. Saute until the shallots are soft and golden brown, about 5 minutes. Add the kale along with the remaining 2 tablespoons of olive oil. Season with sea salt. Cook the kale in the olive oil for 3-4 minutes, stirring frequently, then add the wine and the raisins to the pan. As soon as you add the wine, stir to scrape any burnt bits off the bottom of the pan.

Cook the kale over low heat for about 10 minutes. After 10 minutes, add the pasta to the boiling water. Continue cooking the kale while the pasta cooks. When the pasta is just barely al dente, use a skimmer to add the pasta to the pan with the kale. Add a few splashes of the pasta cooking water to the pan as well, along with the grated parmesan cheese. Add the roasted squash to the pan. Cook everything together for 2-3 minutes, stirring to fully coat the pasta in the sauce and to evenly distribute the vegetables. Serve immediately.

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Source: http://katieatthekitchendoor.com/2018/01/07/2017-year-review-winter-pasta-slow-cooked-kale-kabocha-squash-golden-raisins/

[thriving-imperfection]

How I did it (Part 1:My Philosophy)

By Korreain Johnson Recently I have reached my 30 pound milestone in my weightloss journey. When I started this journey in April, I was out of shape and weighed 191 pounds. Now it’s August and I am a lean 161. So now the obvious has begun to happen: I’m noticeably slimmer, my clothes have gotten baggy, and people are curious how I lost the weight. Before you read any further, I want you to know this: There is nothing magical or special about me or what I did. I had a slow metabolism, I was very out of shape and sedentary, and I had just come out of three straight years of having 3 kids all by c section and I was left weak, sluggish, and suffering from diastasis recti (a separation of the abdominal muscles due to pressure being applied to them…in my case, pressure from three straight years of childbearing). I didn’t take any “magic” pills or anything extreme to get results. I worked for it. So if you came here to learn about a miracle, sorry, that didn’t happen. However, if you want to hear about the work I put in, keep reading.

DISCLAIMER: I am not a personal trainer, professional athlete, dietician, nor physician. Please consult your doctor about any new diet or exercise regimen that you’re planning to try to ensure optimum safety. What worked for me may not work for you and may not even be safe for you. Know your body and listen to your body.

MIND GAMES: The first thing that needs to change in your weight loss journey is the way you think. You’re much more likely to be successful and maintain your desired weight or size if you change your mentality first. How do I think to keep myself going? I had to stop thinking that this was all about me “looking good”. I mean, sure, I want to be slimmer and feel sexier, but those sort of goals are pretty frivolous and can set you up for failure. If your only reason for eating right and exercising is to have a hot body you’ll never be satisfied. Every day that you get up and don’t look like your “goals” you will be discouraged because you’re not yet seeing the results. And if you reach your goal, what happens if your perceptions of beauty change as society’s standards of beauty change? One day you’ll want a big booty, the next day you’ll want a slimmer figure. And eventually, no matter how hot you may become, you will get old if you’re blessed with a long life. Things will turn gray, sag and wrinkle up despite your efforts to slow the aging process. So what will be your motivation then?

You have to accept that you are making a LIFESTYLE CHANGE. You can’t just be in it to look hot. Contrary to what social media would suggest, life isn’t about taking awesome selfies with a sexy body. Your purpose for making this LIFESTYLE change is to IMPROVE YOUR QUALITY OF LIFE. Eat right because you want to spend your life healthy instead of sickly. Exercise so you can have fun without being easily worn out. Make this change so you have energy to play with your kids, increase your chances of living longer, sleep better, and dare I say it…HAVE BETTER SEX! All of these things are way better reasons to make a lasting change in your life and you’ll see the results more quickly than you’ll achieve the photoshopped image that you’re hoping to obtain.

So if we’re looking at this as being a lifestyle change, that means we’re thinking long-term. You’re not going on a diet just to fit in a bridesmaids dress or a bathing suit. You are changing the way you think about yourself, the way you eat, and your level of activity. You are making changes that you’re hoping to carry on for the rest of your life. If you don’t think that way, you’re likely to stop eating right and exercising and you’ll end up right back where you started…or worse. So before you read any further, decide that you want to change your life and be the best version of you that you can be, not just getting a summer body.

CHANGE HOW YOU THINK ABOUT YOURSELF If you’re thinking short-term, you’re likely to think like this: “I’m too fat” “I hate how I look” “I would be happy if I could just be a size ____”. Short sightedness makes you critical of yourself. There’s something wrong with you and you need to “fix” it in order to be happy, satisfied, or loved. LIES! Change your thinking to long-term and show yourself some love even now. Don’t diet because you’re “fat” and you hate how you look. Change your eating habits because you love yourself too much to keep feeding yourself garbage. Become more active because you love yourself and your loved ones too much to send yourself to an early grave. You’re not “fixing” your body because you hate it, you’re loving your body enough to take care of it.

CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT FOOD Food has two purposes: 1) To provide you with the necessary nutrients for proper bodily function and 2) To provide you with adequate energy to perform those basic bodily functions and to move around and work. That’s it. Food is not for comfort. Food doesn’t make a late night movie more thrilling. Food doesn’t make a celebration more exciting. Food doesn’t take away the pain of a break up. Food doesn’t get rid of boredom. Food doesn’t make you less awkward in social settings. Food merely provides nourishment and energy. Do we enjoy food? Of course! But we must remember the primary purpose of food and keep that at the forefront of our food choices. You can buy a car that looks great, but that wouldn’t really matter if it didn’t get you where you needed to go safely. Food is the same way. Some of it does nothing for you nutritionally and can actually cause health problems. So here and now, decide that food is not a primary source of pleasure in your life. Don’t look to food to make you feel better or make you happy. Food is fuel, and if it happens to taste great too, awesome! Now does that mean you should only eat bland raw veggies or something? Absolutely Not! Eating healthy doesn’t mean surrendering all delicious food, but it might mean trying some new recipes and changing some old favorites to make them more nutritious. Eating healthy should be your lifestyle, but every now and then you can still enjoy your guilty pleasure foods.

Think of your eating habits as your life in general: You should spend a great deal of time doing what is necessary and important like working, going to school, doing chores, paying bills etc. These things may not necessarily be fun or enjoyable, but they are crucial for a functional life. A small portion of your week may be spent having fun or devoted to hobbies and pastimes, and the more exciting those things are, the less likely you’re able to do them frequently. (You can’t go to theme parks or vacation every week). The same thing applies to food. You have to spend most of your days eating healthy and controlling your portion sizes. The foods you eat may not be that exciting, but remember, you’re eating because it’s necessary to be nourished, not because you need excitement from food. (Sidebar: This lifestyle change is to IMPROVE YOUR QUALITY OF LIFE. It’s not mandatory that food be exciting, food should be the fuel you need to go out and live an exciting life! While making this fitness lifestyle change, make sure you’re not neglecting the rest of your life. Eating right and exercising improves your life, so make sure you’re living a fulfilling life outside of eating right and exercising. Read, go out with friends, draw closer to God, go back to school, show love: those are the things that life is truly made of.) The exciting foods that you love that are rich in flavor, calories, carbohydrates, fat, salt, and sugar can be eaten, but not often. Those foods are to be treated like “girls night” , “birthday parties”, and other enjoyable things we do. They’re special and we don’t do them as often. The fattier the food, the less often it should be eaten. That triple decker burger, large fry, large soda, and half a cheesecake should be treated like a vacation out of the country. It should happen rarely.

So essentially, you should get in the habit of eating healthily all the time, treating yourself to not so healthy things occasionally, and rarely eating things that look like a pile of diabetes with a side of heart disease.

CHANGE THE WAY YOU THINK ABOUT EXERCISE When you think about yourself exercising, are your feelings positive or negative? If you’re like most people, it’s probably negative feelings that you’re experiencing. Why? Do you see images in your mind of sweat dripping everywhere and fat flapping around disgracefully as you struggle to breathe and almost pass out? Well, that’s how I used to think of exercise. I had gotten out of shape after having children and I just knew that I wouldn’t be successful at exercising. My body was heavy from the excess weight and I hated how it felt to jiggle all over the place. I hated the discomfort of being short of breath just to quit before a routine was over. Well, here’s some things I had to adjust about my thinking regarding exercise:

1. You’re a beginner; exercise like one. I got frustrated because I couldn’t exercise long without getting exhausted. That’s okay. Acknowledge that you’re out of shape and that you haven’t lived an active life. Facing the truth makes us more realistic with our expectations. Start walking first. Take the stairs instead of the elevator. Play with your kids at the playground instead of watching, anything to get you moving more than usual. You may not see any dramatic results, but you’re slowly conditioning your body to be more active. When you start an exercise regimen, start with something easy. Don’t jump straight into P90X or Insanity workouts. You’re unlikely to finish those rigorous routines in the beginning and it may make you feel like a failure when really it was too soon to start something that extreme. I started walking first, then I started doing a few jumping jacks and squats, then eventually I started doing Zumba.

2.No excuses What’s keeping you from working out? You don’t have time? You’re just too out of shape? You hate the gym? You don’t have the energy? I had tons of reasons why I wasn’t exercising and none of them were good and I’m pretty sure yours aren’t good either (unless your doctor has given you a reason). There’s always time to workout, but do you want to make the time? It might mean getting up early, staying up later, being more creative with planning activities to keep your kids busy, or investing in pre- workout drinks to give you energy, but an excuse is just an excuse, not a viable reason to continue a sedentary life.

3. Think Long-term. Remember I said this before? Well, it still applies here. You’re not exercising just to reach a short term goal. When you’re old, saggy and gray it will still be important to exercise to stay in good health. You’re not exercising to get a hot body…a hot body is just a side effect of consistent exercise, but first you must learn to be consistent, and if your goal is almost unobtainable, you’re likely to quit before you see results. So focus on the long-term. “I want to exercise to IMPROVE MY QUALITY OF LIFE”. Well, guess what, even a small step in the right direction is improvement. Every day that you get up and get your blood pumping, you’re winning and succeeding…and getting a little bit closer to those sexy side effects that I mentioned.

4. Exercise can and should be fun. No one likes doing things simply because they have to. Our lives are filled with so many “necessary evils” that adding one more may seem unbearable. One way to stay motivated to exercise is making it fun; then it’s viewed as a hobby and not a chore. How do you make exercising fun? Get a workout partner, find a routine that you enjoy, and reward your consistency. I have two workout partners: my two oldest girls Jazilyn and Jilyana. Every day they look forward to jumping around and doing Zumba (a routine that I enjoy) with mommy. When I don’t feel like exercising, I can depend on them to say “Dance with me mommy!” And how can I say no? It’s not only about my fitness, but it’s an opportunity to bond with my children and be an example of an active lifestyle for them. Also, I chose to do Zumba because it knocked out many of my excuses: I don’t like the gym; I can stay home and look up Zumba workouts on YouTube. I didn’t have the right exercise clothes to be seen in public; I can do Zumba at home. If the weather is bad, I can still do it at home. If there’s no one to watch my kids; I can do it at home with them. Exercise is boring, but Zumba is fun. Zumba is dancing and dancing is exercise, therefore I’ve made exercising fun. Now I’m at the point where I have to force myself to take a rest day so my body can recover properly.

So, this was part 1 of How I did it, my philosophy of weightloss and how to go about it mentally. In my next two posts I will tell you what I physically did to shed the pounds and what you should expect as you embark on your own weightloss journey.

[gyrlversion]

Mariano Rivera closes Hall of Fame induction ceremony

COOPERSTOWN, N.Y. (AP) — For Mariano Rivera, it was the culmination of a storied career, dreams of being the next Pelé long since forgotten. For Brandy Halladay, the Baseball Hall of Fame induction ceremony was a tearful moment to reflect on the accomplishments of her late husband, and she handled a difficult task admirably.

Rivera, the career saves leader and the first player unanimously voted into the Hall by the Baseball Writers’ Association of America, was greeted by chants of his name from the adoring crowd as he stepped to the podium in a fitting close to Sunday’s ceremony. He spoke in both English and at the end in Spanish, rarely looking down at the speech he had prepared.

“I think I choose that because sometimes you write words and it doesn’t sound right,” Rivera said. “But when you come from the heart, it comes right. My intention was always to speak from the heart.”

Rivera and fellow closer Lee Smith, starters Mike Mussina and Roy Halladay, and designated hitters Edgar Martinez and Harold Baines were feted on a sun-splashed afternoon in Cooperstown. A crowd estimated at 55,000, the second-largest for an induction ceremony, quickly made Rivera feel at peace.

“You’re special for me,” said Rivera, who left his native Panama in 1990 unable to speak English. “Thank you for your help. Latin American fans, thank you. Thank you for loving me. I’m so humbled and blessed to receive this incredible honor. God bless you all.”

As a child, Rivera dreamed of being a soccer player in the mold of the great Brazilian star, Pelé. Instead, he found his niche on a baseball mound and finished his career with 652 saves. He pitched 19 seasons in the major leagues, all with the New York Yankees, and retired with 952 games finished — also a record. A 13-time All-Star, Rivera helped the Yankees win five World Series titles and seven American League pennants.

“To the fans, you guys always pushed me to be the best,” he said. “When I was at Yankee Stadium pitching, it felt like I was pitching with 55,000 people throwing one pitch after another. Without your support, I cannot do it. You guys came to see me succeed.”

Brandy Halladay fought back tears as she spoke for her late husband, who had two sons.

“I knew I was going to cry at some point. It’s overwhelming the amount of people here today,” she said, tears welling in her eyes, her voice quavering with emotion. “I’m so grateful you’re here. I can’t tell you how many hugs I’ve gotten. There are not enough words to thank you.

“I know how honored Roy would be to be sitting here with such accomplished men. Thank you for being such a good example to him and to supporting him in his career. This is not my speech to give.”

The son of a commercial pilot, Roy Halladay was 40 when he was killed in a plane crash in November 2017 into the Gulf of Mexico while piloting his own plane alone off the Florida coast 20 miles from his home. A toxicology report showed high levels of amphetamines and morphine in his system and hints of an antidepressant.

“I think that Roy would want everyone to know that people are not perfect,” Brandy said. “We are all imperfect and flawed in one way or another. We all struggle, but with hard work, humility and dedication, imperfect people can still have perfect moments. Roy was blessed in his life and in his career to have some perfect moments.”

A two-time Cy Young Award winner, Halladay amassed a 203-105 record in a 16-year career with Toronto and Philadelphia. He became just the second pitcher in major league history to throw a no-hitter in the postseason, opening the 2010 NL Division Series with one against the Cincinnati Reds in the first playoff start of his career. He also pitched a perfect game that season. Halladay was elected in his first year on the ballot.

“Of course he would be honored and humbled,” Brandy Halladay said. “He was a true competitor. He went to the field every day ready to do whatever it took to give his team the best possible chance to win. I think Roy would rather be remembered by who he was, not what he did on the ballfield. He so desperately wanted to be as great and successful at home as he was in baseball.”

The family decided that there would be no logo on his plaque because both organizations meant a lot to Halladay.

Mussina, who pitched for 18 major league seasons, posted a record of 270-153 and was a seven-time Gold Glove winner. He spent his entire career in the high-scoring AL East with the Orioles and Yankees.

“I spent a lot of time reflecting on my time in baseball,” said Mussina, the oldest first-time 20-game winner in MLB history when he reached the milestone at age 39 in 2008, his final season in the majors. “I was never fortunate to win a Cy Young Award or be a World Series champion, win 300 games or strike out 3,000 hitters. My opportunities for those achievements are in the past. Today, I get to become a member of the Baseball Hall of Fame. This time I made it.”

Smiling from beginning to end, Smith congratulated his new classmates before crediting his family and hometown of Castor, Louisiana, for much of his success.

“It’s been my family. They’re the main reason I’m standing here today,” Smith said. “To my mom and dad — your support has meant everything to me.”

Smith pitched 18 seasons for the Cubs, Red Sox, Cardinals, Yankees, Orioles, Angels, Reds and Expos and retired as MLB’s career saves leader with 478, a title he held for 13 seasons. That total now ranks third all-time, as do his 802 games finished.

Martinez was a seven-time All-Star and five-time Silver Slugger Award winner for Seattle, where he spent his entire 18-year career. He won two AL batting titles, led the league in on-base percentage three times, and was named the outstanding designated hitter five times, an award that now bears his name.

“I am honored and humbled to be standing here,” said Martinez, who was born in New York, grew up in Puerto Rico and also delivered part of his speech in Spanish. “It is hard to believe that a dream that started when I was 10 years old (ended here). The first time I saw Roberto Clemente, all I wanted to do was play the game. What an honor to have my plaque in the Hall alongside his.”

The soft-spoken Baines, a Maryland native who still lives there, never displayed much emotion in his 22-year career, but his voice cracked throughout his speech.

“Somehow I acquired a reputation for not saying much. I’m not sure why,” he deadpanned at the start. “From teachers to coaches who showed me kindness and discipline, I thank you all for what you’ve done for me. If I can leave you with one message, it’s to give back to your community. I stand here very humbled. It has taken time to sink in.”

The late Frank Robinson and Willie McCovey were honored with a moment of silence before Mussina was introduced to start the ceremony. The two Hall of Famers died since last year’s induction ceremony.

___

More AP MLB: https://apnews.com/MLB and https://twitter.com/AP_Sports

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[onlinemarketingcourses]

I Wrote a New Book, and It’s Publishing Soon!

Pat Flynn has written a new book, and it’s publishing in August 2019! It’s called Superfans, and it’s all about creating superfans for your business.

Pat Flynn April 22, 2019

I’m incredibly excited about this post, because it’s the first public announcement about a really big milestone coming up this summer!

(No, not FlynnCon, although I am definitely excited about that!)

Team Flynn, please mark your calendars for August 13, because that’s the day my next book launches.

I’m so amped to share more with you, so read on to learn about the process that’s gone into writing and creating the book—and of course, stay tuned for the big reveal: what the book is called and what it’s going to be about.

Why I Chose to Self-Publish (Again)

This book has been in the works for a while—about five years, in fact.

And like my previous books, I’ll be self-publishing it.

When I was working on my 2016 book, Will It Fly?: How to Test Your Next Business Idea So You Don’t Waste Your Time and Money, I was grappling with the decision to publish it myself or go with a traditional publisher. I’ve even had agents and publishers reaching out, ready to work with me on my next book.

I chose the self-publishing route.

Although there are a lot of pros that come with working with a traditional publisher (like a monetary advance and distribution in physical bookstores), as I was writing Will It Fly?, I learned that traditional publishing would likely mean giving up control over things like creative direction and content. Since most people end up doing most of their own marketing anyway, I made the choice to self-publish.

I may end up going traditional in the future, though, primarily because I’m very curious about experiencing the process first hand, but also I know distribution and mainstream media can be much wider. But I’ll save that for another book idea I have in mind (hehe!).

My most recent book before this one was the second edition of my memoir, Let Go, which I also self-published and funded through Kickstarter in 2018. It was the first full-color print book with a gorgeous graphic treatment that I’ve worked on with Team SPI, and I’m in awe of how it came out.

With my next book, I’m shifting from memoir and getting back to business—literally. I’ll reveal the title and topic in a moment, but this book is going to be one aimed at entrepreneurs and business owners everywhere.

Visually, it’s going to be pretty great too. While it won’t have all of the custom illustrations we did for the second edition of Let Go, it’s going to look pretty awesome on the shelf and in your hands. (Okay, the written parts should be decent too.)

So why did I choose to self-publish again?

I chose this path because even though things went pretty well for Let Go and Will It Fly?, I wanted to have one more crack at it and see if we could improve on the process. The self-publishing landscape has been rapidly changing, and while there are new challenges, we also felt like we had enough experience under our belt to make the most of the opportunity.

In particular, through our previous experiences, we developed a good idea of what our team could take on ourselves and where we could use some outside help.

On that note, I have to give huge credit and thanks to Ryan Sprenger of New Type Publishing, who is helping us out with a lot of the logistics of self-publishing this book. We didn’t have access to Ryan’s awesome expertise with my previous self-published books, so we were figuring out a lot of things as we went along, and not taking advantage of all the opportunities available to us. Ryan has helped us navigate the pitfalls of self-publishing and make sure the book reaches as many people as possible. We also had some initial guidance from another friend in the business, Kary Oberbrunner, who had some great insight about how to get the book available for pre-orders, which is not the easiest thing to do when you’re self publishing!

I’m also super thankful for the National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) challenge, which gave me the motivation I needed to finish the first draft of the book. I wrote over a thousand words a day in November 2018, and finished my draft by the end of the year. NaNoWriMo gave me a ton of motivation to get the draft written, but I was also inspired by the knowledge that I was writing about something that could truly help people.

  View this post on Instagram

  I wrote over 30,000 words in November, with one more day to go! ? And I’m close to being done with my new book ?? I’m feeling REALLY good about what I’ve written, and although we’ve got a long way to go (more drafts, copy editing, etc), it’s been great to see this much progress in such a short period of time, especially relative to Will It Fly which took over 1.5 years. ? Thank you all for the encouragement this month, it wouldn’t have happened without you, especially after being sick for two weeks of the month. Thanks to those of you who played along with my word count guessing game, and congrats to all the winners! Team Flynnstagram, you have one more day to guess and win a copy of my book, Let Go! What’s your guess?

A post shared by Pat Flynn (@patflynn) on Nov 30, 2018 at 9:40pm PST

Okay. I may have intentionally front-loaded this blog post just so I could stall and create some anticipation. So what is this book already, Pat?

Drumroll, please . . .

My next book is called Superfans: The Easy Way to Stand Out, Grow Your Tribe, and Build a Successful Business, and it’s about how to connect with people in a way that makes them want to stick with you and your brand for life.

The Origin Story of Superfans

The concept for Superfans was born as a topic developed for a 2014 presentation at New Media Expo, which is sadly no longer around. But this presentation helped put me on the map and land the keynote at the 2015 New Media Expo in Las Vegas, (which you might remember as the one where I came out in a DeLorean). Since then, I’ve been invited to several other conferences to speak on the same topic. In fact, after Social Media Day in San Diego 2017, Jay Baer, someone who’s a big inspiration to me, met with me and said (in more or less these words), “Pat, that was an amazing presentation. That’s the kind of content that should be in a book.”

Ever since that day, I’ve been inspired to see Jay’s suggestion through to fruition.

One of my motivations behind writing Superfans was to create a how-to guide of sorts for Kevin Kelly’s “1000 True Fans” concept. If you’re not familiar, “1000 True Fans” is an essay Kelly wrote way back in 2008. His idea was this: If you can inspire just one thousand people to become true fans (which he defines as “a fan that will buy anything you produce”) and each of those true fans provided $100 profit per year on your art, your craft, your work . . . well, there’s a six-figure business right there!

But more than just supporting you financially, your true fans—your superfans—are there for you in other, non-monetary ways that will help your brand last.

It’s a masterpiece, and it’s still just as useful today as it was back then. “1000 True Fans” was vital in helping me understand how achievable real, life-changing success actually was.

Superfans is a book for anyone interested in building a brand that will last by cultivating an audience of raving fans—of true fans—who will follow them anywhere. This book is for the solo YouTuber, the blogger, the small team, the midsize startup, and even the large corporation. I wrote it to help people running brands of all sizes and types understand how to create magnificent experiences and magical moments for their people.

Building superfans is what I believe business owners should be focused on doing today, with technology changing, jobs being outsourced, and uncertainty everywhere.

Creating a core group of dedicated superfans is the best way to succeed in business and build a brand that will stand the test of time. This concept is something people are slowly coming around to, but there’s still a lot of “old school” thinking going on about what it takes to make a brand and business succeed. A lot of people out there are still really focused solely on driving traffic and conversions. And while those metrics are important in building a business and creating a revenue stream, they can’t give your brand a real foundation for longevity.

The most important thing is to build a set of superfans who can support your business and your life—and you don’t need a lot of them in order to make a big impact.

In March 2016, I wrote in a blog post about Will It Fly? that “I wanted to write a great, timeless book that would help as many people as possible. If I happened to make a bestseller list doing that, then great.”

That book happened to make the Wall Street Journal bestseller list. And if Superfans does the same, that’ll be awesome. But it’ll also be just fine if it doesn’t, as long as it does what I hope it will do for the people who read it: help them build a successful business and a lasting brand by cultivating their own legion of superfans.

Team SPI has also really enjoyed getting into the book in the editing and design process, and I’m super thrilled to get it into people’s hands.

So, you might be wondering:

Can I preorder Superfans yet?

Not yet! However, you can . . . get a sneak peek at what the book might look like!

Here are a couple low-fidelity initial cover ideas we’ve played around with—the final cover probably won’t look exactly like any of these, and the subtitle is still a work in progress too. But this gives you a good sense of what we’re going for.

So stay tuned for the big announcement when pre-orders are available. It’s going to be an exciting summer!

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[alexrascanu]

How to Reach Your Potential: An Interview with Hamza Khan

Hamza Khan is taking part in "How to Reach Your Potential,” a series of 100 interviews with leaders who inspire Alex Rascanu and whose insights can help you reach your potential. 

Meet Hamza Hamza Khan is a multi-award winning marketer & entrepreneur. He’s the co-founder of both Splash Effect, a boutique marketing & creative agency, as well as SkillsCamp, a soft skills training company. Hamza has spoken at more than 50 events (including 2 TEDx events) across 15 cities and 8 countries, to more than 15,000 people. He is a faculty member at Seneca College and Ryerson University, teaching courses on digital marketing and social media. Through his consulting, writing, teaching and speaking, Hamza empowers people and businesses to transform ideas into reality. Learn more about Hamza at www.hamzakhan.ca. Buy his book The Burnout Gamble. And follow his adventures on Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn and/or Facebook.

Alex: What is your life’s purpose? Hamza: My purpose in life is to give my gift away. And I feel lucky to have discovered this gift quite early on in life: to empower people and businesses to transform ideas into reality. I achieve this primarily through my consulting, writing, teaching, and speaking.

Alex: What are the three things you’re most passionate about? Hamza: It’s difficult for me to narrow down the things that I’m most passionate to a selection of three, as my list is constantly growing. But as at the time of writing, I’m preoccupied with marketing, productivity, and social media. I could talk for hours on end about these things. And when they overlap (which they often do), I could go on for days.

Alex: How do you stay healthy? What’s your main health-related goal? Hamza: Staying healthy comes down having respect for my body. As a guiding principle, that means doing things today that my future self will thank me for. This includes a number of daily imperative actions such as following through on a challenging fitness routine, eating a balanced diet, drinking plenty of water, and getting a good night’s sleep. My main health-related goal is to optimize my energy. While the time afforded to me is fixed (like everyone else, I have the same 168 hours in a week) — the energy that I can generate within that time is not. And when I’m healthy, I can multiply my success in all aspects of life.

Alex: How do you build wealth? What’s your main financial goal? Hamza: I build wealth by putting money to work through a diverse portfolio of investments: currencies, stocks, equity, mutual funds, etc. Almost 80% of my earnings are immediately invested in these areas. And while my wealth is generating more wealth, I’m focused on increasing my earning potential by improving my craft, broadening my reach, and delivering value to every person in my orbit. I’m a big believer in Zig Ziglar’s words: “You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help other people get what they want.” With that said, my main financial goal is to achieve freedom — freedom from debt, freedom from worry, freedom from constraints, etc. I don’t quite desire to be rich. I simply desire to never be poor.

Alex: How do you balance work and family life? Hamza: As someone who has burned out in spectacular fashion multiple times in my career, I’ve had to learn the hard way the importance of slapping constraints on my productivity. I make time for my family life by clearly defining when to stop working. At the start of any project I establish an end state that looks like one or more of the following:

TIME-BASED DASH: I stop working when the clock stops. For instance, my workouts never exceed an hour. And so if I’m idly checking Facebook between sets, I risk my workout being incomplete. Similarly, I structure my work in 25-minute distraction-free waves (see: The Pomodoro Technique) with breaks between them. The countdown induces fierce focus.

UNIT-BASED DASH: If I complete my entire workout within the hour allotted for it, I leave the gym. Similarly, if I complete everything on my to-do list before the clock strikes 5 pm, I leave the office. By defining what “complete” looks like for any project, and by establishing clear milestones, you’ll become aware of your progress based on the units required to achieve a finished state.

ENERGY-BASED DASH: Especially when I’m feeling sick or tired, I hang up my gloves when my body says to. There’s no point of pushing through work if you don’t have the energy for it, as you’ll be more susceptible to errors and illness (which will only produce a cascade effect of more work, fatigue, and delays down the line). Don’t just manage your time — manage your energy as well.

RESULTS-BASED DASH: This dash is very similar to the unit-based dash; however, I spin it by anchoring it in externally-defined results. Since I work in an agency setting, the results in question which I often pursue are typically defined by clients. While they may not always be perfect for me, they’re usually perfect for my clients. When confronted with a torrent of timelines for client projects, I switch on the “f*ck it, ship it” approach to getting things done.

FEELING-BASED DASH:This isn’t for everyone, and doesn’t apply to most types of work. It’s especially risky in projects where there’s a lot at stake, or if there are multiple dependencies. Saying “I’m done” because you feel like it comes with either a lot of privilege and/or proportional consequences. Therefore, I relegate this approach to my art and various solo projects.

According to Parkinson’s Law, work expands so as to fill the time allocated for its completion. If we’re not slapping constraints on our workday, we’ll burn out. At the same time, imposing timelines and clear parameters raises the difficulty level on our work just enough that we naturally end up working harder and smarter to get things done. Therefore, knowing when to stop working is a win-win approach to getting things done.

Alex: How do you enjoy spending time with family and friends? Hamza: I love movies. My go-to activity is to explore other worlds through the art of cinematic storytelling. I’m also rediscovering my love of video games. Advances in gaming technology are offering levels of immersive storytelling that can sometimes rival that of the most masterfully crafted films. For me, one of the most enjoyable parts of the process is discussing the media with family and friends following the experience. We bond over the shared experience by remembering moments, unpacking themes, discovering hidden meanings, and more.

Alex: What has been the most fulfilling role you’ve ever had, or the most fulfilling project you’ve been involved with so far? Hamza: The most fulfilling role I’ve ever had was Co-Founder of Splash Effect, a role which I still occupy at the time of writing. It continues to bring me the highest-of-highs, tempered with the lowest-of-lows — and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Every day has been (and continues to be) a challenge. It’s an adventurous cycle comprised of growth, success, failure, reflection, and recovery, where I’m regularly compelled to step outside of my comfort zone. Building a business is creatively and intellectually stimulating, and I always feel like a beginner. However, there is a different sort of fulfillment that comes from long-term dedication to a single project/product. As the Digital Community Facilitator at Ryerson University, a pioneering role in higher education, I was able to immerse myself in the development of a product (RU Student Life) that helped establish the institution — Canada’s leader in innovative, career-focused education — as a national leader in online student engagement.

Alex: What’s one career planning lesson that has made a significant difference in your life? Hamza: A career planning lesson that has made a significant difference in my life was auditing my happiness. Growing up as the son of hard-working immigrant parents, I got caught up with the notion that hard work was the only path to success, and that success was linear (defined by specific milestones, including an oddly specific income target). And it didn’t help that I idolized successful rappers, movie stars, and basketball players, all of whom were millionaires. For most of my life, I felt a crushing performance pressure induced by these external definitions of success; they were other people’s dreams. Inspired by Tim Ferris’ “The 4-Hour Work Week”, I took things back to the drawing board and designed the perfect day in my life, projected a few years into the future. And then I started adding prices to this vision. Once I adjusted for inflation, lo-and-behold, the actual amount of money that I needed to be at my optimal happiness was significantly lower than what I was chasing. In one sitting, I had liberated myself from the tyranny of warped & external definitions of success. And finally, I began to chase my own dreams.

Alex: What would you like your legacy to be? Hamza: I want to be remembered as someone who maximized his potential. I want to exemplify the power of discipline and purpose when it comes to making things happen. I want my value proposition of “transforming ideas into reality” to be true for as many people as possible. I want to have been relied on to take any idea, regardless of scale, from idea to execution. If it can be said that that I added value everywhere — that I significantly improved the world for everyone around me — I will feel as though this was a life well-lived.

Alex: Thank you for taking part in this interview! Your insights are much appreciated!

Did you find one or more of Hamza's insights helpful? Are there any ideas or resources that came to mind as you read the interview? Know someone we should interview? We encourage you to share your thoughts and feedback in the comments section below. Alternatively, feel free to send us an email using our contact us form on the Rascanu.com website.

[symbianosgames]

[In his latest design feature, Activision and former Insomniac designer Mike Stout breaks down the boss battle into eight different beats, and runs two notable ones -- The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time's Ganon and Portal's GladOS -- through a thorough analysis to illuminate their designs.]

The boss battle is one of the oldest and most beloved traditions in video games. Everyone has fond memories of their favorites, and opinion pieces proclaiming the "Top 10 Boss Fights of All Time" are always hotly contested and the source of a lot of debate.

According to Wikipedia, the first boss battle ever featured in a game was the Gold Dragon in the 1975 RPG dnd, and the practice has been going strong ever since.

Coming up as a designer in this industry, some of my most difficult (but also most interesting) challenges have been boss battle designs.

Each time I was assigned one I felt a mixture of excitement and dread. Sure, they're cool, but where do you start?

Bowser from the original Super Mario Brothers was the first boss battle I ever played.

Hard-Learned Lessons

I remember the first boss battle I ever designed. It was the "Terror of Talos" fight for Ratchet and Clank: Going Commando. Still a junior designer, I agonized over that design for weeks. I poked and prodded, I added features, and by the time I was done with it I was sure I had designed the coolest boss battle ever!

It was a six-armed Godzilla-esque monster with a robot standing on its head (the robot was controlling the monster with levers, you see). It stormed around a giant movie-set version of a large metropolis, destroying everything it came across. It could fly and walk and breathe fire and shoot missiles and... well pretty much everything. I was so proud of it I could just burst.

And it was bad. Not just bad, in fact. Oh, man, was it ever awful!

Oh sure, the final product turned out very well -- thanks primarily to my talented and very patient colleagues (thanks for putting up with me, Andrew) -- but that first rough-draft design was an absolute disaster. The idea was cool, sure, but I had neglected to really think through the gameplay behind it.

Behold, the Terror of Talos! While the final product turned out well enough, the early designs (in addition to being impossible to implement) needed a ton of revision before the fight was any fun.

Since then, I've designed a ton of boss battles, and with each one I've learned new tips and tricks that have made each successive design go much more smoothly.

In this article, I aim to pass on those tricks and tips. In this article I will break some boss battles down into their component parts (as I see them) and then show you how I use that knowledge when designing boss battles of my own.

Note: I am specifically talking about bosses from action/adventure games here. While the tips I outline here will, I suspect, work for bosses in any genre, I've never personally tried to apply them that way.

Intro to Boss Battles

One of the first questions I like to ask myself when beginning a design is this: "What are my goals?" Essentially, I try to make it clear to myself what my design needs to accomplish so that every decision I make can hearken back to my goals. For boss battles, my goals are typically something like this:

The boss should feel like a reward.

A boss battle is a reward from the game designer to the player. For a short time, the player gets to take a break and do something new!

Boss battles tend to be intense and feel "larger than life." Players look forward to boss battles, and getting to them feels good.

The boss should feel like a goal (or milestone) for the player.

Like chapter breaks in a book, players reach a goal (minor or major) when they reach a boss battle. The anticipation leading up to a boss battle and the feeling of having attained a goal when the boss is defeated provide tangible story and emotional milestones for a player.

By fighting the boss, the player can demonstrate his mastery of my game.

A boss battle is a good place for the player to demonstrate the skills he has learned so far by playing the game. In that sense a boss battle is both a test of the player's abilities and a chance for the player to feel like he has mastered the skills you've taught him so far.

A boss fight can help build and release tension in a satisfying way.

Like a good book or movie, it is important for a boss battle to have good "pacing," which is to say it's important for the game designer to build up and release tension and difficulty (or, in other words, intensity) over time.

Good boss battles not only contain good pacing within the fights themselves, but also help to pace the entire game.

The knowledge that a boss battle is approaching is a great excuse to build up intensity over the course of a series of levels. The closer the player comes to the boss fight, the more his anticipation of the fight grows. A clever level designer can use this to their advantage (as seen in the chart below).

Boss battles are a great way to release the intensity you've built up over the course of the preceding levels. After finishing a boss, the player can expect to coast for a little while and feel good about his accomplishments.

A vastly simplified illustration of Super Mario Bros. 3's pacing. Within each world, intensity increases until the player defeats a boss, at which point the intensity dies down a bit (though not entirely).