#the only way i see buck leaving a hurt Chris is if Chris himself asks him to leave

[lover-of-mine]

just had an ‘oh shiiiiit’ moment bc what if it isn’t chris who gets hurt playing basketball but actually eddie? looking at the script again from a different perspective, instead of maddie reassuring buck it could be maddie misunderstanding what happened

“it was an accident, [_] knows you didn’t do it on purpose”

‘buck doesn’t say anything’

“evan. you didn’t do it on purpose did you?”

to me that could read like maddie realising like “wait, DID he??” especially bc he says nothing after she first ‘reassures’ him, kinda gives off guilty vibes

maybe buck and eddie argue and buck lashes out and eddie gets hurt? not seriously obviously, just like pushed over and sprains his wrist or something and that’s why buck ‘hasn’t really talked to him’

🤯

Dude, I've been thinking about this but I haven't felt like actually saying anything because people can be mean lol, so I'm so with you on this. He could have very much hurt Eddie. Even more with the tendency this show has of putting buddie in situations in places we will never see again (the fountain, the equine therapy place, the graveyard) so a basketball court could absolutely fit that pattern, and like, things are rocky between them, is very easy to give that impression considering where they are on the season finale, and you take freshly broken up with Buck (if the Natalia is not coming back thing is true) and you create some sort of tension between the two, to have Buck react and do something dumb, and accidentally hurt Eddie, makes sense. Like push him too hard on a play, or throw a ball he would trip on, something that's an accident but could not be if Buck analyzes it enough. And it's really easy to get hurt on a basketball court, I played for like, 7 years, and dude, the dumb ways I hurt myself are ridiculous lol, so like, it could be Eddie and Buck is scared of his reaction. Chris is the easiest to assume, and easiest to hurt, a ball to his crutches and he sprains his ankle or something, but Eddie himself is very much still a possibility. And Eddie dismissing Buck if he tried to help makes more sense than Buck leaving a hurt Chris behind. Unless the situation involves the 3 of them and Eddie is gonna go full overprotective dad because initially it seems worse than it is, let's say there's a moment they think Chris actually broke a bone or something, that lashing out is a reaction we've seen from Eddie before, fear is a powerful things, so even if Eddie doesn't react towards him because he's worring about Chris, Buck assuming Eddie is mad at him could be based on some logic. Also Eddie getting hurt and just saying I'm fine, I'm gonna go home and ice it, and Buck absolutely spiraling that Eddie hates him now is super on brand for Buck.

[sturniolo-simp4life]

Caught in the act pt2- Chris sturniolo

Description- it’s now Chris’s turn to get caught.

warnings- smut, getting caught, oral (male receiving) p in v, Chris fantasizing, riding

ever since Chris caught you that day when you were getting off to him, he had seemed distant.

It did make you upset really, but Chris didn’t know this.

in fact, he didn’t even know he was avoiding you. Every time he was close to you, for forced himself to move away so he wouldn’t do something he wasn’t supposed to.

he never made eye contact with you because if he did, he knew he would get mesmerized by you.

He knew if he did, his brain would go wild and he would have those dirty fantasies about you.

he tried not to make too much conversation with you because he knew if he heard your voice, it would be over.

unfortunately, you didn’t know this, so you just thought he hated you, or he was embarrassed of the fact that he had sex with you.

-

you went to the pool today with Madi and a couple of your friends, and Matt and nick went shopping, leaving Chris alone.

right now he was doing his laundry.

suddenly his phone buzzed.

y/n has made a new post.

He clicked the pop up and it opened up to your instagram page. Chris’s eyes widened as he saw the picture.

you were taking a picture with one of your friends. Your hair was wet, and water was dripping down your chest.

he couldn’t help but move his gaze down to your chest. Your tits we’re pressed against the tight bikini fabric, begging to be free.

his mind wandered somewhere else. He imagined the way your tits would look sliding up and down on his cock.

or how he would grope them while you were riding him.

the dryer alarm went off, snapping him out of his trance. He sighed trying to forget whatever he was just thinking about.

as he took out the clothes from the dryer, he came across a black piece of clothing.

confused, he picked it up, only to find black lace panties. His face flushed. His mind started to wander again… what would you look like in them?

he imagined you straddling him while his fingers played with the hem of the panties.

Snapping out of his trance again, he felt the tightness between his pants.

“fuck,” he muttered. He made a last minute decision and took the panties with him.

once he settled on his bed, he pulled up the instagram photo you posted and slide down his sweatpants. He took the panties and wrapped them around his cock, making him groan.

he looked at the picture of you and started pumping his dick.

“fuck fuck fuck,” he moaned out as he threw his head back. He thrusted his cock into his fist as his imagination ran wild.

he circled his finger around his tip, making him shudder. “Fuck- y/n please.” He whined.

Unfortunately, he didn’t hear the front door open. You looked around not seeing anyone is there usually spots on the couch.

you headed upstairs and peeked in Matt and nicks room- both of them were gone.

you figured Chris would be gone too but it didn’t hurt to check.

when you approached his door, it was already open. You shrugged it off and slowly opened it, but you weren’t met by an empty room.

Chris was on the bed, with a hand running up and down his cock.

“fuck y/n,” he moaned, making your eyes widen. “Chris?” His eyes immediately snapped open as a crimson blush painted his face.

you glanced at his phone to see a picture of you. You just smirked. “Were you just jerking off to a photo of me? And are those my panties?”

Chris gulped. “Um n-no- I mean yes-”

he immediately stopped talking when you layed yourself down in between his legs. “Let me help you with this?” You asked. He swallowed and nodded his head.

you smirked and kitty licked his tip, before putting the entire thing in you mouth.

Chris’s hips bucked as he threw his head back. “Fuck,” he moaned.

you started working your way up and down his shaft, making Chris moan and mumble incoherent words.

his hands made their way to your head, slightly forcing your head down. “Fuck y/n, just like that. Good girl.”

you moaned around him, causing his hips to jerk. He let out another moan.

“fuck, I’m gonna cum.” You pulled of him, making him whine. “Why’d you do that?” He pouted.

you shrugged. “I thought you would want something better,” you said.

you took of your bikini bottoms, exposing your dripping pussy. Chris groaned at the sight. “Fuck ma, I need you around me.”

you hovered yourself above his tip, and slowly moved down on him. Chris threw his head back and groaned. “Fuck you’re so tight.”

you rocked your hips on him, making you moan. Chris hands made their way to your waist, guiding you.

he then lifted you up, and slide you down. You eventually got the memo and started bouncing on him. “Fuck,” you moaned.

You were still wearing your bikini top, which Chris removed easily. He moaned at the sight of your tits bounce in front of him. He took one and started groping it, playing with your sensitive nipples.

he suddenly flipped you over so that your back was on the bed. He thrusted his hips into you with speed.

“Chris I’m close,” you moaned.

“me too. Cum with me.”

you moaned as you orgasmed, him following after you. You flipped off of him, out of breath.

“Chris?” You asked, looking at him. “What’s up?” “What are we after this? I didn’t really like it when you were ignoring me..”

Chris frowned. “Ignoring you? You thought I was ignoring you? I was just trying not yo lost control. I mean have you seen yourself? I can’t even trust myself to be around you because i always feel like im gonna mess things up. I’m sorry for making you feel the way you did.”

you felt your heart warm with every word he said. You kissed his cheek. “Apology accepted.”

“I have one more thing to say,” he said. You raised your eyebrow in anticipation. “Yeah?”

“Will you be my girlfriend?”

You smiled kissed him, which he reciprocated.

“of course.”

Tags- l34n theyluvme-2315 tillies33ssss maya555sblog alorsxsturn blahbel668 @nyktoxs-lover strnilolo hearteyesformatt ecliphttlunar

[exhuastedpigeon]

kiss him once for me

705 spec / 935 words / also on ao3

Eddie was perfectly happy and accepting about Buck’s sexuality when Buck came out to him. In fact, he liked to think he was the ideal picture of a best friend when Buck had told him. Nothing changed between them after Buck told him, or more accurately, nothing bad changed. They’re actually closer than ever. Buck has been happier and seems more comfortable in his skin in the last three weeks than Eddie’s ever seen him.

So, nothing changes between them. Or at least, nothing changes until he sees Buck and Tommy kiss for the first time.

It wasn’t even a particularly steamy kiss. It was just a soft press of lips together. Eddie wasn’t sure why he had such a visceral reaction to such a chaste kiss - maybe it was the way Buck’s eyes had fluttered shut at the contact or maybe it was his soft smile after.

Or maybe it’s because of something Eddie isn’t ready to look too closely at. Not while he was sitting in Buck’s living room with Buck and Tommy sitting less than five feet away from him.

His first reaction when he sees it is to punch something, maybe a wall? Something that’ll really hurt. Almost as soon as the thought crosses his mind he realized how not normal that instinct was and he wants to punch himself for having it.

His second reaction is to run. They’re at Buck’s loft. He knows it would take him eight steps to get from the living room to the counter where he tossed his keys when he got here, leaving them in their usual spot, like they belonged there. It would only be six steps from there to the door. Twenty-one to the elevator or twenty-three to the stairs.

He can’t seem to fight the instinct to run for long. He gives it three minutes, until the next commercial break in the game they’re watching, before he pulls his phone out.

“Oh shit.”

“Is everything okay?” Buck’s voice is laced with concert and Eddie will feel guilty about that later, right now he just needs to go .

Eddie gets up from the armchair and forces his body to relax, turning his feet and legs to jello before looking at Buck and Tommy on Buck’s new couch, the one he picked out with Natalia and clearly doesn’t like. He seems pretty comfortable on it now though.

“Pepa isn’t feeling well, she asked if could grab Chris early,” Eddie lies easily. He knows it’s an easily believable lie because Tommy just nods in understanding, but Buck doesn’t look like he’s buying it.

“Bummer man,” Tommy says and he sounds like he means it. Like Eddie being here third wheeling isn’t putting a damper on their night at all. And Eddie knows he isn’t. He knows they want him here too, but he just - he needs to leave.

“I’ll -I’ll walk you out,” Buck says, moving to stand. As he shifts Tommy’s arm falls off of his shoulders. Something in Eddie’s chest purrs in satisfaction at their loss of contact. He grabs hold of the chains of whatever monster has suddenly burst into life on his chest, trying to reign in his feelings at least until he’s alone.

“Nah man, pretty sure I could find my way out of this place blind by this point,” Eddie smiles at them, at Buck, and tries to look natural.

This one must land a little better, because Buck smiles back, big and bright. Tommy probably smiles too, but Eddie only has eyes for Buck.

“Why don’t you bring Chris here, it’s boys night,” Buck says and Eddie knows in his bones that the invite isn’t just genuine, but that Buck really wants that. He wants Chris to join them. He wants their little family unit together.

“No, I think I’ll just leave you two to have some uh - alone time,” Eddie’s made it the eight steps to his keys by now and he gets the final six steps to the door. Almost home free.

Then there’s Buck next to him, giving Eddie a quick hug. Eddie has no idea how he missed Buck moving off of the couch.

“Text when you get home.”

“Yeah, always,” Eddie says with a nod. “See you on Thursday for basketball Tommy. Can’t let Garcia and Harper get an ego.”

“See you,” Tommy calls back and Eddie opens the door, stepping backward through it, like he can’t make his body turn away from Buck. Like he’s drawn to him like a moth is drawn to a flame.

“Bye Buck,” Eddie’s voice is too soft when he says it. He knows it as soon as he speaks because Buck’s eyes get all soft on him.

“Bye Eddie.”

He makes it the twenty-one steps to the elevator and then the fifty-six to the guest spot in Buck’s parking lot.

The monster in his chest purrs again with the knowledge that he was there first. That he’s the one who got the guest spot and he’s the one who made Buck laugh so hard that he snorted beer out of his nose before Tommy even made it over after his shift.

Eddie takes a breath, then another. It’s ten minutes before he feels ready to drive, his entire body made of jello.

He knows he’s not homophobic. He’s not, he never has been, so that’s not why he reacted that way. He’s not homophobic, but he’s worried he might be in love with his best friend.

Eddie doesn’t drive to Pepa’s. He’s on his way to Hen and Karen’s before he realizes where he’s going.

Read on ao3

[lenaboskow]

so last night i was sitting here trying to clear my writer's block by jumping between wips and then i had a thought: a writing experiment where i write what an "evan begins" ep would look like. and i know what you're thinking-- "we don't want that" but HEAR ME OUT (this was written while sleep deprived but i'm too lazy to rewrite it, bear with me)

"evan begins" isn't actually buck coming to terms with his given name, it's actually the beginning of him losing himself in his relationship with tommy over the course of several episodes (telling everyone that he no longer goes by buck, distancing himself from the 118, getting reckless on calls because tommy, who is as uninterested as we've seen him to be, only seems to care when he's hurt just like his parents).

and eddie. eddie hates this. he just got christopher back, and now buck is pulling away from him, from their family, from the 118, is refusing to be called buck, and won't stop risking his life for no reason. he tries, he tries so hard to get buck to listen to him. eddie never calls him evan, not once, and buck ignores him every time his name leaves his mouth. it hurts, but eddie knows that he can't give in, that he needs to fight for buck because no one else is, has time to because they're all going through their own stuff. but buck helped him get through chris being in texas, and now eddie would help buck get through whatever this is.

but buck isn't making it easy. he isn't talking to anyone, not really, but it's like he's specifically avoiding eddie. that's why it takes so long for eddie to realize what he's doing. that he's reverted back to his childhood attempts at getting attention. and the way he notices? complete accident. eddie's at the hospital, waiting for news (because buck never remembered to take eddie off of his emergency contact list, and eddie would use that power as much as possible until he realized), and tommy shows up. he and tommy aren't on the friendliest of terms anymore, mostly because of eddie's newly identified jealousy, but they make small talk. tommy makes a comment, something about how he and "evan" hadn't had the chance to go out on a date in over a week, and it clicks.

eddie shows up at the loft that night. tommy's there, he answers the door, and eddie pushes past him, heads straight to buck who's sitting on the couch that isn't even comfortable. he stands in front of him, and before buck can ask why he's at the loft, eddie says "i know what you're doing, and it needs to stop".

buck. buck just... goes quiet. the lack of a denial is enough for eddie, and he turns to tommy, telling him he needs to go. tommy puts up a fight, but eddie's more stubborn, and may or may not threaten to call athena (who is not tommy's biggest fan). is it ethical? no. does it have any legal standing? no to that as well. but eddie doesn't care, and it works, and suddenly he and buck are alone for the first time in months. and buck breaks.

he tells eddie everything, how he didn't feel like himself, and that he didn't know why he was doing what he was, but he didn't know how to stop it, how to leave this relationship that took so much from him. he tells eddie he feels like a failure, like a disappointment, and that he feels guilty for abandoning him right after chris got back. feels guilty for abandoning chris, and the rest of the 118. and eddie just holds him.

the next episode is titled "buck begins again", and we see eddie help buck pick the pieces of his life back up. there's a not so pleasant breakup, apologies are made, and eddie is right there by buck's side the entire time.

i don't think, don't want buddie to get into a relationship in this episode, but what i think would be an acceptable ending would be buck telling eddie "i know, and you know, but i'm not ready. i want to be better for you, for us, for me. will you wait for me?" and eddie just smiles, and nods his head. end episode.

[shaunashipman]

Eddie was definitely more queercoded than Buck. He is written as a repressed gay man in comphet relationships. Buck's queercoding mostly consisted of one-off jokes while Eddie's has been baked into all of his romantic storylines. Also no one is saying he's gay because he treats women poorly. The reason he inadvertently hurts his partners is because he is trying to force himself into relationships that will never work. Calling that homophobic is laughable because so many gay men have dated women as beards which obviously ends up hurting the women. It's just a fact. It's honestly homophobic the way so many bucktommy shippers are obsessed with eddie being straight even when a multitude of gay people see themselves in him. Or does the gay male perspective only matter when in concerns tommy lol

ok, I wasn't even going to get into this. idc if you see eddie is queer, that's your prerogative. but you brought this into my inbox.

to start with, there are plenty of bucktommy shippers who also think eddie is gay. and the ones who don't are not obsessed with eddie being straight, we're just tired of it being touted as the only possible reading and if you don't get that then you're stupid. kind of like how they are with buddie

also buck's queercoding has not been one-off jokes, y'all just seem to think that queercoding that isn't angsty is being played for jokes.

but let's get into the queercoding of eddie

"baked into all his romantic storylines" all 3 of them? that gigantic number? let's go through them.

shannon. yes, only married because they got pregnant. but they got pregnant through having sex, which eddie was shown, multiple times, to enjoy having with shannon, a woman. she left him (not going deeply into her reasons, I've talked about what I think of shannn and her leaving) and eddie's response was to devote himself to being a father, then moved across country to the same place she was, implicitly because he wanted to make up with her, but couldn't work up the courage until forced. when he did contact her, his initial refusal to let her see chris was both because he didn't yet trust her again with chris and because he didn't trust her with himself. while deciding whether or not to let her see chris, they were fucking like bunnies. again, that eddie was shown very much to enjoy, to the point that it is explicitly something he fantasized about in s7. after he let her see chris again, we didn't see as much of them, but what we did see was the actions of a normal couple. then she said she thought she was pregnant and he re-proposed. could it be that eddie simply felt trapped again? sure. but if that were the case he could have simply not began a relationship with her again to start with. he had the excuse ready baked in of "we need to focus on chris". then she turned out not to be pregnant, asked for a divorce and died, and he's spent the last 5-15 years mourning and pining for her.

ana. initially met as a teacher at chris' school who eddie had an immediate crush on. didn't go anywhere that season because she was chris' teacher. when they met again eddie's only hesitance to date her was framed as trauma from shannon divorcing him and dying. then we get to s5 and his panic attack. which most took as being about the "ready-made family". I took as, the shop worker called ana chris' mom, chris' mom died, ana could die, cue panic attack. the only part of this relationship that I can remotely see as being indicative of sexual repression is how the break up went, which could also just be a result of his slow breakdown which had already been cooking for several months.

marisol. who eddie perused after he got out of the date his tía set up, talked to some people and decided he was ready to date again. then we didn't really see them again until the nun episode. also the point where so many ignored the majority of the ep just because eddie was talking about religion. also basically the only time religion has come up for eddie in more than passing, despite religious repression supposedly playing a large role in his queercoding. again, a relationship where eddie is shown to enthusiastically enjoy sex with women. his sudden hesitance to have sex with marisol was completely about her having been a nun, which if anything is about the madonna/whore complex, not about eddie's sexuality. and then eddie fucks up the relationship due to the shannon!doppler, because he's still in love with shannon NOT because he's closeted.

so where is the plethora of queercoding in all his relationships? and if all his relationships are comphet, but he's never shown an attraction to men (and he hasn't, not objectively, because him "looking" at buck is not attraction) why is him being gay the only option? what about asexual? or aromantic? or even bisexual, since as I've pointed out, he clearly enjoys sex with women.

also his poor treatment of the women he dates can very easily be traced to him growing up in a very patriarchal household, where dad works to the detriment of not knowing his kids, mom's job is to take care of the kids, and he as the only boy was delegated to the "man of the house" at a very young age. an extremely common family dynamic, and one that despite working on in other aspects, eddie clearly still ascribes to in some way, by how he's continuously looking for a wife and a mother, not a partner. could be that he's gay, could be that he was raised in a misogynistic world.

If you see him as gay, great, good for you. but to insist that that's the only correct view is wrong. and since you ended with an "lol" showing how seriously you take this, I'm gonna end with this

ryan, the one who plays eddie, has said multiple times now that eddie is heterosexual. and before you start, oliver at no point ever referred to buck as straight before the bisexual arc so 🤷‍♀️

[princessamericachavez]

Say Don’t Go | 911 7x10 spec

Based on the stills and my brain not shutting up

“I hate you!”

Christopher’s voice resonates through the hallway until his door slamming cuts it off. Eddie flinches and Buck’s heart breaks.

“Chris-“

Eddie moves half a step forward and Buck stops him by the shoulder before he can go after his son. It’s not going to help. If he knows anything about angry teenagers (having been one particularly angry himself) is that Chris needs a moment away from his dad.

The problem are those big brown eyes. Because when Eddie looks back at him, so lost and heartbroken and desperate, Buck knows he has to do something. Because this is wrong, it’s just wrong, and Buck knows he cannot fix everything for the people he loves but he cannot —will not— stop trying no matter how impossible it feels.

“Let- let me try and talk to him,” Buck asks.

“What?”

Helena and Ramon both turn to him with equal disbelief, but Buck doesn’t even bother looking at them. They’ve been so ready to take this opportunity to rip Chris away from Eddie. And, sure, they are worried and Eddie should’ve handled this a lot better, but they aren’t even giving him the chance. So he doesn’t look at them, he keeps his eyes on Eddie who gives him the smallest, pleading, nod.

That’s all Buck needs. With one final squeeze, he lets go of Eddie and moves across the living room with long strides before the Diaz’s can stop him.

Who does he think he is? What gives him the right to intervene? How dare he even be here? Whatever they are thinking, comes second to Chris and Eddie.

Buck knocks gently on the door.

“Go away!”

“H-hey, buddy, it’s me. Can I come in?”

There’s a long terrifying pause that nearly shatters what’s left of Buck’s heart before the reluctant “okay.”

With a relieved sigh, he pushes in.

Christopher is sitting on the edge of his bed, a packed backpack by his side. For a second, Buck thinks of another day, years ago, when he found him just like this. Back then, Buck’s biggest fear was that Eddie’s heart would stop. Today, he’s terrified it will break beyond repair.

“Hey, Chris.”

“Hey, Buck,” he says, looking down at his hands.

Awkwardly, Buck makes his way to the bed and sits on the edge next to the boy. He’s so big now, older and taller, but he can still see the same child that had to comfort him after the shooting.

“Chris, are you sure about this? Leaving your dad, even if it’s just for a while… that’s not going to fix things between you.”

“I don’t want to fix them,” Chris snaps, sharply. “He lied to me! He lied to Marisol, to you, he lied to everyone!”

And that’s not something Buck can argue.

“Yeah, he- he screwed up, Chris, but you need to understand.”

“I understand! Why would he that! He’s- he always told me to tell the truth and to be good but he was a liar.”

“Hey, hey, that’s- that’s not fair. One mistake doesn’t make him a liar. He just- listen, Chris, you know your dad loves you more than anything in the whole world, right?”

He’s met with silence.

“Right?”

Chris gives a noncommittal shrug.

“Right,” Buck nods. “Because he does. And he would never, ever, do anything to hurt you.”

“But he did! It hurt! Seeing her and thinking it was her… it hurt, Buck.”

“I know, buddy… I do. I just- I meant, he would never hurt you on purpose.”

“He had to know it would hurt.”

“He did. Which is why he lied…”

Christopher huffs and Buck has the horrible feeling he’s not being as helpful as he hoped. What was he thinking? Just because he loves Chris with his whole heart it doesn’t mean he knows the first thing about being a parent. He only knows what Eddie taught him.

The memory hits home like a wave. Sunlight, a warm hand on his shoulder, his heart twisting from guilt to relief and to something bigger he couldn’t name.

“You know, your dad isn’t perfect.”

“No, he isn’t,” Chris scoffs.

“He isn’t perfect,” Buck repeats, tone pleading Chris to let him finish, “and he knows it. He told me once himself, that he’s failed many times as your dad. But he also said that he loves you enough to never give up, to never stop trying to be better… for you.”

Chris is quiet, but by the way his shoulders hunch and his head tilts, Buck thinks he might be getting to him. So he pushes on.

“And- and the thing is, Christopher, your dad is very hurt right now. It’s- it’s nothing like the time he was shot… it’s something… deeper, older. Because, you see, when Shannon- when your mom died, it really hurt your dad. He loved her so much… and I don’t think he ever healed from it, not really. I think that’s why he did all this. Because he’s in pain…”

Christopher peers at Buck from under his curly fringe, reluctantly making eye contact.

“That doesn’t make it okay.”

“No, it doesn’t. But- but I think your dad really needs us right now. He- he needs you,” he corrects quickly. “This time, I think your dad needs you not to give up on him.”

“But I’m still mad.”

“And- and that’s okay. You can be mad. You get to be angry or sad or confused, I just- I just hope you can fight for your dad, like he does for you. Because, Chris, if he loses you… I think the pain will be too much this time.”

Chris is quiet. And Buck is exhausted.

“I don’t wanna make you feel responsible for him, Christopher. I promise, whatever you choose, I’ll have his back and make sure he is okay. I just- I think he needs both of us right now.”

“Why are you defending him? Aren’t you mad too? He lied to you too.”

“I- yeah, he did. But he’s my best friend, and I love him. I’m not quitting on him, he’s never given up on me.”

“Hmmm.”

It takes a couple minutes before Chris decides to get back up. Buck stays only because he isn’t asked to leave and, only when he sees the boy step outside does he dare follow cautiously.

In the living room, whatever Eddie was talking in hushed tones with his parents dies down immediately. He only has eyes for his son as he approaches.

“Mijo-“

“You have to promise that it won’t happen again,” Christopher demands, voice shaky. “You need to try to do better and you have to promise that you won’t lie to me again.”

Eddie walks towards his son like he is in a dream, eyes tearful. Buck can see him trembling even from afar, where he’s found a corner to tuck himself into and disappear.

“Christopher,” Eddie says, kneeling before his son and gently holding him, “I swear- te lo juro por mi vida. I will do better. I will- I will be better for both of us. I will spend every day trying to be a better father for you.”

“Okay,” Chris says.

“Okay?”

“I’m staying.”

Eddie leans forward to hug his son, but is met with a gentle push back.

“I’m still mad at you, dad.”

“Yeah, yeah, of course. Of course,” Eddie mumbles, but the relief in his voice is still palpable.

Eddie looks past Chris’s shoulder and his eyes find Buck. The look in his face… Buck knows Eddie like the back of his hand but he cannot quite place what it is. Thankfulness and relief and hope… but there’s something else behind it that makes Buck’s heart twist painfully.

So Buck looks away, tries to find something —anything— else to focus on and lands on the Diaz’s faces. Eddie’s parents look at him with… well, it isn’t quite anger, but there’s a confusion there and a bewilderment that somehow makes Buck even more uncomfortable. He ducks his head and beelines for the kitchen. He should let them be alone…

“Buck!” Eddie is rushing after him before he can get to the door.

When he turns around, he finds Eddie standing there, shaking and shocked. Buck waits, but Eddie doesn’t seem to have any more idea than he does about what he planned to say next.

“Sorry, I- I should probably go.”

Eddie takes a step forward, with that look still on his face.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” Buck goes on. “Just- just be with your son tonight.”

“You sure? You could stay.” Eddie steps closer.

“No, it’s- it’s okay. I wouldn’t want to intrude, with your family-“

“Buck-“

“And Tommy is waiting at my place, so…”

Eddie stops. He blinks.

“Right, yeah. Of course. Just- I- Thank you.”

Buck smiles, even if the air between them still feels charged.

“I have your back, Eddie. Always.”

And before anything else can get his head spinning he steps out the back door. Only once outside does he stop and finally breathe. That was… that felt like… but it cannot be. It wasn’t. Even if Eddie looked like he wanted to-

No, of course not. Better get going, before his heart can manage to fool itself once again.

[spotsandsocks]

Holding Me Up 688 words

7x1 missing scene for you… this hit me this morning because Eddie’s face as he stands against that wall has broken me. He needs a hug. If anyone has the gif and wants to add it for me please do I have no skill in that area! Spoilers for 7x1 obviously .Tagging some friends who might be interested under cut hope you don’t mind 😊

The wall pressed against his back isn’t warm, it isn’t cold. It just is. It’s just there.It’s holding him up. It’s keeping him hidden. It’s protecting him, just like it’s protecting Chris.

It’s keeping them safe from each other's pain. It’s letting his kind, beautiful, gentle son share his hurt, something he hadn’t seen coming, at least not yet, with the best man he knows. The only person he can trust with this. The only person he wants to trust with this.

It’s letting him close his eyes and allow his own hurt to flow through him freely. It’s holding him up while the ache of it all tries to take him to the floor.

The pain of losing her not once but twice still hurts but not like it did then, he almost wishes it did, his own pain is easier to bear than his; than Christopher’s words, his confusion and doubt. His fear and anger that he wasn’t enough to make her stay. That he’s lost his mother a third time now as her voice slips from his mind. As the gentleness of her fingers, the warmth of her arms and the scent of her disappears from his world. Christopher’s pain is unbearable but he faces it and allows every ounce of the agony to be felt.

The wall pressed against his back isn’t warm, it isn’t cold but is strong and he’s so very grateful for it.

Buck talks gently, so much understanding and compassion in his voice. So much love. Eddie asked Buck to do this and he came without question, jumped straight in. Buck has stayed with him, stood beside him and had his back for years.

Buck holds him up as much as this wall does.

Eddie stands still, aching and hurting as the two people he loves most talk softly to each other. He knows what he needs to do so he walks away to do it.

*

Buck finds him of course, with a quiet knock on the bedroom door and a even quieter ‘hey’

He looks up from the envelope in his hand. Buck’s lips are curled into a sad smile, his eyes are sad too.

“You heard.”

It’s not a question but he nods silently, tears in his eyes.

“I’ve had this for years now.” He looks back at the rectangle of paper in his hand. It’s easier than looking at Buck. “It’s from Shannon, she wrote it for him when she left.”

As he walks past Buck in the doorway, he pauses and allows himself to take comfort from the touch of a hand on his arm. Strong and warm and his. Theirs. He always has been.

Buck squeezes once then lets go so he can go and do what needs to be done.

*

Nothing hurts like your child’s pain.

Eddie leaves his son to his homework and walks away. There’s nothing else to do. He’s been hurt before by the things that have hurt Christopher but not like this. Nothing’s hurt as much as the words he’d shared with Buck, the way he discarded the letter or the way the photo of his mother was placed down on his desk.

He finds himself standing in the bright light of his living room, heart breaking for his baby boy’s broken heart.

“Eds?”

Buck.” Here. In front of him, waiting.

“He didn’t read it. Didn’t even open it.”

“He will, just give him time.”

He nods once, Buck’s right, Chris will read it and he’ll understand what happened a little better, he won’t understand everything, not yet but he’ll get there.

It’s still unbearable to see your child in such pain but he bears it because he has to and because he’s being held up again, not by a wall this time but by arms and a strong warm body, pulling him close and holding him tight.

Buck hugs him and whispers in his ear. “He’s a good kid and you're a great dad. It’ll be ok. It’ll all be ok.”

Eddie wraps his arms around the man who’s always been there for him and believes him.

@loveyourownsmiilee @monsterrae1 @shortsighted-owl @the-likesofus @hoodie-buck @loserdiaz @buddierights @rogerzsteven @bekkachaos @thekristen999 @ronordmann @caroandcats @hippolotamus @spaceprincessem @disasterbuckdiaz @heartshapedvows @underwater-ninja-13 @wildlife4life @wikiangela @stagefoureddiediaz @thewolvesof1998 @exhuastedpigeon @weewootruck @giddyupbuck @honestlydarkprincess @pirrusstuff @elvensorceress @jesuisici33 @eddiebabygirldiaz @daffi-990 @diazsdimples @steadfastsaturnsrings @theplaceyoustillrememberdreaming @rainbow-nerdss @lover-of-mine @tizniz @fortheloveofbuddie @actualalligator @watchyourbuck @loveyouanyway @buddieslovecore

[schrijverr]

Wake Me Up Before You Go 3

Chapter 3 out of 6

5 times Buck falls asleep on someone + 1 time he wakes up by himself

On AO3.

Ships: Can be read as pre-slash Buddie, but Ana mentioned

Warnings: none

~~~

3. Christopher

Buck is worried, Chris knows that. He can see how Buck doesn’t laugh like he usually does and he spaces out sometimes, always looking tired even though Chris can hear him snore. It’s weird and Chris doesn’t like it.

He wants to enjoy spending time with his Buck. Normally he’d be overjoyed that Buck is there permanently, but his dad isn’t here and Chris isn’t allowed to see him and Buck is worried about him, because he’s been hurt.

Chris worries about his dad, because his dad is the person he can always count on. Dad came back, dad stayed. He isn’t allowed to leave Chris now. Buck says that people leave, but they can come back, dad has to come back.

Buck says be believes dad will come back to them, Ana calls him about how dad is doing and he always looks a little bit like he ate something sour, but he keeps assuring Chris every day that dad is alive and getting better, just still asleep.

He is happy Buck is with him though, instead of Ana. He likes his dad’s girlfriend, his former teacher, he knows her and she spends time with him, but she isn’t Buck. Buck has been a constant since they got here and he has never once left Chris, not like Ana when the year was over. She came back, sure, but she still left. Carla left too when the lockdown first happened, but Buck never did, he only had a short time where they couldn’t talk.

So, Buck is still there and while he is worried, he is here with Chris and that makes Chris feels loads better, even if Buck is still worried.

They’re trying to keep it as normal as always, but movie night isn’t entirely the same without dad there too.

The popcorn they share is perfect since dad had no hand in it, but Chris wouldn't have minded burnt popcorn if that meant he could share it with his dad. However, Buck lets him pick the movie, so they’re watching Finding Dory and cuddling on the couch, maybe both holding on to the other a little tighter than they usually do.

Chris doesn’t know exactly when Buck falls asleep, but halfway through he starts snoring, disturbing the movie.

Usually Chris would be annoyed, but it’s not usual. Dad isn’t here and Buck can’t make it through the movie even though he usually argues with dad to let him stay up later while dad nods off. It’s all wrong and Chris misses how it usually is.

In his sleep Buck hugs him closer and Chris lets that be a comfort, burrowing closer to Buck as he watches the movie by himself. He hopes he’ll never have another movie night like this.

Before the end of the movie Buck startles himself awake, looking around with big frantic eyes, before they fall on Chris. Then they soften and he asks: “Hey, buddy, did I miss much?”

“Practically everything,” Chris informs him, resting his head back against Buck’s chest.

Buck squeezes him. “I’m sorry, Superman.”

“It’s okay, we’ll watch it again when dad gets home,” Chris answers.

Next to him Buck lets out a breath, before he clears his throat. “I’m sure he’d love that,” Buck agrees. He doesn’t let go for the entirety of the movie nor the next one.

Chris stays up way too late and the two sleep on the couch. Buck has a crick in the neck the next morning and Chris feels it during his PT exercises that they do together, but neither of them would change it. It’s nice to lean on each other until dad gets back so they can lean on him, divide the load more evenly.

[diazsdimples]

Keeping with the fairytale theme from the sleeping beauty ask ..

buddie + beauty & the beast 🌹

Fun fact: I played Chip in my school's production of this! Anyways.

Buck is Belle and Eddie is the beast. Buck was adopted by Bobby, and lives in a tiny village, and he loves it there. Mostly. It's a little small and everyone knows him but he's got loads of books to read and some good friends too. Only problem is, he's being incessantly chased by Natalia, some lady who's decided she's going to marry him, and no matter how hard he tries, he can't shake her.

Eddie, meanwhile, is the beast, cursed because of [insert tragic backstory here]. He lives in this big castle, mostly because it's a convenient place to hide himself and Christopher from the rest of the world. When he was cursed, his household staff (including Hen & Chim as Cogsworth and Lumiere) were turned into furniture. Very annoying, meddlesome furniture. And then, imagine his shock when a very handsome, very sweet young man seeks shelter in his castle because he's looking for his father (who Eddie might have accidentally imprisoned 😬). He's moved by this young man's pleas for his father's release, and honestly he'd like a bit more company around the place that isn't his son or his staff, so he negotiates. Buck stays. Bobby leaves.

Naturally, Eddie doesn't tell Buck about the curse, or about how he has to learn to love someone (and himself) for it to be lifted. He tries to make Buck's time there as pleasant as possible, whilst also reminding the man that he is a prisoner. He tries to keep Christopher away from Buck, but the kid has this irritating way of getting into places he doesn't belong and Buck finds him in the library one day. The two immediately strike up a friendship, and that's ultimately his way to Eddie's heart (and Eddie's way to Buck's)

Not easily deterred, Natalia and a bunch of thugs from the village storm the castle. Buck get caught up in the fight and, terrified that he's going to get hurt, Eddie flings himself in front of him and takes a pitchfork to the side. Buck pulls him away from the battlefield (its okay cause their magic furniture is badass af) and patches Eddie's wounds in his room. And that's when Eddie realises he's falling in love (and so is Buck). They fall asleep in each other's arms.

The next morning, Eddie sees that his enchanted rose is back in full bloom, and he's shocked to find himself in human form. And so is Buck cause he fell asleep in this massive creature's furry arms and has woken up in the arms of someone that's frankly as hot as sin. Eddie realises what's happened and tells Buck about the curse, revealing that it could only have been broken by him falling in love. Buck, thankfully, puts two and two together and they sleep together. Chris is delighted to see his dad back as his dad and they live happily ever after (and Bobby moves in to the castle where he meets Athena and they live happily ever after too)

[cal-daisies-and-briars]

You know what i'm gonna doooooo

🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼🔼

But also whats thissss???

➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰➰

Yay! This is a fun combo!

75 for 🔼:

---

“We don’t need a baby,” Chris insists. “M-Mom already stopped coming over to see us like she used to. Now she will be here with her baby and she won’t…”

He trails off and erupts into another fit of tears. 

Eddie sighs. He thinks exactly the same terrible thought Eddie had voiced to Buck, right after finding out about the baby. It’s a thought he no longer has. He’s worked himself down from there. But he can’t blame his son for going to the same place. A place born of fear. 

“Christopher, I get why you’re scared,” Eddie says gently. “But this baby doesn’t mean you’re going to stop seeing your mom. It just means our family is getting a little bigger. Okay?”

“Then why did things change?” Chris whines. 

Yeah. Eddie also isn’t quite sure. He doesn’t know how to answer that. 

“Your mom and I are going through some stuff right now,” Eddie says. “Things are going to look different. But that doesn’t mean they’ll be bad.”

As he says it, he realizes it could be true. It could be. With a lot of work, from both of them. And if the main thing standing in the way of that is Eddie’s wounded pride and his heartbreak, then he is failing not only Chris, but his unborn child, too. The same way he had when he was too scared to let Shannon see her son again, last year. 

“Do you promise?” Chris asks.

“I promise.” Eddie says. He kisses the top of Christopher’s head. “Why don’t I go check on Mom now, and then maybe we can all talk about it again?”

“Okay,” Chris agrees.

“Okay. Can you play with your Legos for a little bit?”

“Yes.”

“Good man,” Eddie says. “I’ll be right back.”

Eddie leaves him there and heads towards the kitchen to find Shannon. She’s leaning over the sink, glass of cool water in hand. It’s clear she’s been crying. 

“Shannon,” he says when he walks into the room. “Hey, it’s okay.”

“I’m sorry,” she blubbers. “I didn’t mean to react. I just don’t have a good handle on it right now.”

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not. It’s not fine, Eddie. This is why I wasn’t sure. I’m hurting him again.”

“No, you’re not.” Eddie shakes his head.

“God, why did I think I could do this? I keep fucking up with the kid I have. I don’t deserve another one.”

Eddie does something then even he doesn’t expect. He steps towards her and pulls her into a hug. Maybe he shouldn’t. Maybe asking for a divorce also means hey, don’t touch me ever. But this is insane. This is so crazy. They both love these kids and want the best for them and they’re meant to be a team. 

They’ve never actually been a team. 

He’s been Christopher’s father. She’s been Christopher’s mother. They’ve been two people in love. Two people with a lot of sexual chemistry. But they’ve never, not once, operated as a team. 

And Eddie knows a lion’s share of the blame for that starts with him.

“Shannon, that’s not true,” Eddie tells her. “He was upset about the living arrangements. He thought it meant you’d spend all your time with the baby and none with him. All he needs is to know that’s not true.”

Shannon, to Eddie’s surprise, doesn’t reject the hug.

---

30 for ➰:

tagging @steadfastsaturnsrings

---

Which Buck is honestly happy about.  It’s such a beautiful day. Perfectly sunny, but with a cool breeze. They’re in one of the most gorgeous places Buck has ever been. They are sea kayaking. Might as well linger here forever. 

The tour goes as well as Buck hoped it would. They see the seals, sea lions, and otters. They even spot some of those famous sea slugs.

Nothing compares to Christopher’s expression, though, when sea otters get within feet of their kayaks. He lights up with a sort of joy that’s rare in a teenager. That reminds Buck of when he was little. Eddie watches Chris watching the little critters with the same sort of joy in his eyes. He looks totally at peace. Buck feels totally at peace. 

It’s the perfect way to spend a morning. 

His arms are pleasantly sore from a new sort of motion by the time they make it back to shore. He thinks he likes kayaking. 

He and Eddie help Brittany load the kayaks from the beach onto a rack.

“Thank you!” She exclaims as they’re halting them. “Most visitors don’t stick around to help.”

“Ah, we don’t mind,” Buck says. 

“They’re firefighters,” Chris says. “They lift heavy stuff all the time.”

“That’s right,” Eddie says, sliding a kayak onto the rack. 

They’re at the top of a sandy slope, in front of a little shed that belongs to the tour company. It has a gorgeous view of the waterfront. Standing right in front of the kayak rack on that slope, Buck turns to admire the view for another minute.

[mazzystar24]

Hello, I hope you are having a good day. I was wondering if I could ask your thought and possible speculation for next episode. I've read what you've answered so I hope this is not a redundant ask.

I know and we all know that this is gonna hurt Buck to feel left behind to be replaced even maybe not feel good enough to be Eddie's friend (or more but my shipper heart need to calm down) and most of us realise that this is most likely, hopefully the time where buck is gonna realise that he feels more towards eddie. But my question is more regarding Eddie, what do you think happens in his pov? Like eddie doesn't have the same problems as buck regarding abandonment issues but he knows buck has them. You think he gonna realise them like during their basketball fight or after (that is gonna hurt to watch) or maybe someone will point it out? And if he realises it would he also go on a journey to realise his feelings or at least have him question why buck feel that and him wanting buck to realise that he should never think eddie will leave him?

And last then I'm stopping cause I don't want to be a bother, but what about Christopher? You think he's gonna be mentioned? Maybe Tommy mentioning him or something switch the flip for buck to start a fight (I know it's mostly and accident but I dont know how else to put it) or eddie uses christopher to anchor him (more episode 7x05 I guess then)? But that feels like the first one hurts way too much and the second like eddie would mask his feelings by using Christopher as a sort os middle ground/shield.

Sorry for the long ask is just that I ve always been the person whose friends preferred other friends and never picked for teams that sort of thing so just the sneak peak hurts to see and I wanted some insight and I've really liked your take on the whole thing. Also, fun fact the only person that did pick me I ended up marrying so eddie please take note lol

Hey anon thanks and you too! <3

I think Eddie’s perspective is super interesting to get into this episode because I genuinely think that he genuinely doesn’t realise that buck could be jealous because in his head he’s reassured Buck so many times and he himself is so self assured in their friendship and their places in eachothers lives that I think it genuinely doesn’t cross his mind at first to even think buck may be jealous. Like you saw him in that sneak peak like he saw buck and started bouncing on his heels like OMG BUCK IS COMING? YOU SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED THATS SO GREAT!!!!!🥰😍👏🏽👏🏽

I think like when he sees the jealousy that seems to be apparently directed toward him over tommy(??) and also towards him having other friends that he’ll be a little pissed and hurt and confused inside but nothing like deep or angsty I think he knows buck enough to like understand how deep his insecurities lie and will very easily overcome this little conflict

I don’t think from his perspective he’d question buddie things based off of this because their relationship has always been different than other friendships and buck has always been very insecure in general so he may hash it up to that, but if buck were to point out that not only is he feeling replaced on a friendship level by Tommy and maybe mention something about Marisol it could cause a little 🤨👀👀👀 moment but I think that’s the secret optimist in me

Ah stop don’t worry about being a bother I legit love these asks, on the Christopher front I think that’d be hard to fit in but would be cool to see, like I think that based off interviews it’s supposed to be a very lighthearted episode so I’m not expecting an overt amount of angst. But Chris is such a huge part of Eddie’s life and this is a character driven episode so I can see them mentioning him. Also I sorta made a joke about this but I can see them not so subtly comparing player Chris at the start of the season to this funny little jealousy thing going on between buck and Eddie.

Again DONT APOLOGISE FOR THE LONG ASKS AND I WONT APOLOGISE FOR THE LONGASS RAMBLING ANSWERS (that’s a lie I will continue to do that but I’m a hypocrite) I totally get what you mean like that is such a shitty feeling but I don’t think that this episode seems to be that angsty so hope it’s lighthearted for you too when it airs. That last part was so adorable btw yes Eddie should take notes from you and your spouse 😌

[kitteneddiediaz]

🔮🔮🔮, 🐱🐱🐱, 🪢🪢🪢, ⛓️⛓️⛓️ for the emoji asks!!

i am TOO damn curious for my own good lmaooo

Hiiiiii Zesty my beloved!!

Here are 9 sentences for you for each of these fics. Psych au first and then everything else below the cut

Psych au

Something about letting Chris make up for all the times of the year he doesn’t get to see that side of the family.  That was 10 days ago. The countdown calendar on Buck’s phone slowly slipping into the single-digits worth of days before Eddie is back. It reads 4 now, and Buck gets a little giddy every time another hour ticks down.  Every time Eddie leaves, Buck does his best to fill the time. It’s always a little bit of a reality check – realizing how much time you actually spend with someone now that they’re not here to fill the time. This vacation, Buck has been going around to all the little restaurants he wants to bring Eddie and Chris to when they get back.  He had brunch this morning at a new little bakery that opened up along one of their favorite streets. The waitress was sweet, recommending which kind of pie she thinks is best, even though he knows he’s going to get a slice of cherry - Eddie’s favorite - to judge if it’s even going to be worth bringing his best friend here. 

Kitty play Eddie fic

“All the way,” Buck moans, pulling Eddie forward by the collar. It takes Eddie by surprise every time, how big Buck is. How Buck doesn’t even have to push all the way past his soft palate for Eddie’s eyes to start watering from the length filling his mouth.   Eddie goes willingly, dragged along by Buck’s hands wrapped around the leather at his neck. It’s his favorite thing, when Buck takes his throat like this. He’s always so gentle, thankfully, even though Eddie wished he lived in a world where he could get his face fucked hard by a 6-inch cock and not potentially injure himself.  Buck pulls out, and Eddie gasps with it, forced from lurching forward to follow Buck’s cock retreating out of him by the hand still gripping his collar. His mouth is watering again the second that it’s empty, and maybe it’s the daze he’s in from the scene or just from how much he loves Buck’s cock, but he’s pulling hard enough on his collar to almost choke himself with how much he wants to wrap his lips around the glistening tip in front of him and feel the delicious slide of it through his mouth and down his throat again.  Buck’s free hand grips his length, guiding it to rub the precum across Eddie’s lips.

Unnamed pwp fic (little more than 9 since the paragraph cut off in a weird spot)

They don’t often get to do this – have fun loud adventurous sex in their house, what with having a teenager home most of the time. So it’s always a special treat, when they aren’t bound by soft quiet sex in the middle of the night with hushed whispers and hands covering their mouths to hide their moans. Nope, tonight, Chris is gone. And despite him being a pretty popular high schooler there’s only so many birthday parties in a year that he’s invited to that involve sleepovers. So they’re taking full advantage of the empty house tonight. Last time, Buck was the lucky one during the coin flip. Getting to give control to Eddie and get tied down and have his brains fucked out. Tonight though, Eddie won, and he plans on making use of his one-day-every-four-months that he gets to sub to the best of his abilities.  Realistically, they aren’t planning on doing anything too wild. But the anticipation for this is half the fun, since they learned about the sleepover three weeks in advance. Eddie’s been practically vibrating out of his skin since then just to have Buck wrap his big hands around his throat. 

Dom Buck Introspection fic from Chapter 2!

The spreader bar comes first, Buck undoing the buckles and gently rubbing at Eddie’s ankles. He wants to keep Eddie’s arms tied behind his back, but he’s also a little worried about how much Eddie’s shoulders will hurt from this tonight, so those knots come next, Buck massaging at the rope indentations along the skin as he peels it off. The noises Eddie’s making as Buck slowly brings his arms back to a relaxed position have his dick twitching in his pants, despite the pity he feels.  “Come on sweetheart, up,” Buck coos at him, helping Eddie with an arm around his waist and another along his back.  He sits Eddie down on the couch beside him, pulling him forward until Eddie’s head is pillowed on his chest. “Take a second. Breathe. And when you’re ready I’m going to put you over my knee, okay?”  Another harsh sob wracks Eddie’s body, but he nods against Buck, curling in on himself and gripping at Buck’s sweatshirt.

[serenelystrange]

- Still, he figures, it’s a better outlet than an underground illegal fight club. - In which Eddie is Big Sad after Christopher leaves, and Buck has never wanted to fix something more in his entire life.

On AO3, or under the cut here.

“We should talk.”

It takes Tommy longer than Buck expects to break, if he’s being totally honest with himself. It’s been nearly three weeks since Chris left Eddie standing there, with only Buck’s hand on his shoulder holding him together. Buck has barely left his side since, even though he feels guilty as hell about abandoning his new boyfriend when they’ve barely had time to settle into a relationship at all.

Buck just nods, leaning back against his kitchen counter with Tommy across from him, an unfortunate parallel to the beginning of their relationship.

“I’m sorry,” he blurts out before Tommy can speak, because he is. No matter the choices he’s made and how he doesn’t regret them, he is sorry.

Tommy stands in place, a few feet from him, and gives him a sad smile.

“I know you are, Evan.”

For a moment, Buck thinks about pleading. About promising to be around more, to prioritize this relationship more, to be a better boyfriend. But the thought is gone in the next moment as he realizes that it would just be empty words.

“He’s my best friend,” Buck says instead, gently. “I can’t just..”

“I know,” Tommy says, sighing slightly and rubbing his hand over tired eyes. “And you’re the best friend a guy could ask for, obviously.”

“Just not the best boyfriend, I guess,” Buck says with self-deprecation.

He looks up at Tommy with shiny eyes, and can see the moment that Tommy gives up his measured mask in defeat.

“It’s alright, kid,” he says, moving to stand in front of Buck properly. “We had fun, yeah?”

Buck can’t help but blush at that and give Tommy a wry grin. “We did have a lot of fun.”

Tommy laughs a little bit at that and moves to cup Buck’s jaw with one big hand, tracing his fingers over Buck’s eyebrow.

“You know,” he says, “if this was any other situation, I’d say we should still be friends with benefits.”

Buck shakes his head and laughs, “so now I’m a bad boyfriend and a bad lay? Hitting me where it hurts, man.”

Tommy rolls his eyes and brushes his thumb across the ridge of Buck’s cheek, before moving in for a soft kiss that Buck returns.

“You’re not a bad anything, babe,” Tommy says as he pulls away. “You’re just so deep in love with Eddie that I don’t even know if you can see it.”

Buck tenses under his touch, looking away guiltily for a moment.

“It doesn’t matter,” Buck says, looking back at Tommy. “Eddie’s not.. we aren’t… it’s not like that with us.”

Tommy nods, and pulls his hand away, tucking it into the pocket of his jeans.

“I believe you,” Tommy says. “But nobody else stands a chance with you until you guys figure out whatever the dynamic is there and agree on it.”

“Guess I’ll be alone forever then,” Buck says, only half joking.

“I doubt it,” Tommy says, too reassuringly for the breakup calls for, really.

It’s quiet after that, in a long silent moment, awkward in a way they don’t know how to handle when the adrenaline of anger isn’t present.

“So,” Buck asks, “do we hug goodbye? Or is this more of a handshake situation? A fist-bump?”

Tommy laughs and tugs Buck into a hug, still so damn fond of him.

“Not goodbye,” he says, squeezing him firmly. “Just a see you later for a while. We can be friends eventually, right? Just no benefits besides my dazzling wit.”

“I’d like that,” Buck says into his shoulder as he chuckles, hands clutching the back of his shirt for a moment before letting go as he steps back.

Tommy leaves and Buck almost feels guilty that his first thought is how soon he can get to Eddie’s house, but he’s looking for his shoes and grabbing his keys before the rest of his brain can catch up with the feeling.

“Hey,” Eddie says as Buck lets himself in. He’s sitting in the middle of the living room floor, a million pieces of Ikea wood surrounding him, a frustrated look on his face.

“Oh boy,” Buck says, locking the door behind him and coming to sit across from Eddie on the other side of the mess.

Eddie grumbles in agreement and continues glaring at the picture-only instructions as if he can light them on fire with his mind.

Buck just stretches his back and cracks his neck, before snatching the instructions from Eddie before he tears them into pieces.

“So, what are we building?” he asks, the breakup instantly pushed to the back of his mind.

Eddie gives him a wobbly smile, the way all his smiles are these days.

“Coffee table,” he says, gesturing to the empty space the old coffee table used to be.

“Probably should have guessed that,” Buck says easily. “What happened to the other one?”

Eddie gives him a dark glare, for just a moment, and Buck is reminded of a bedroom in pieces and a terrified Christopher on the other side of the floor.

“Ah,” Buck says, softly. “Well, nothing wrong with a new coffee table,” he continues. “We’ll show Sweden how it’s done, yeah?”

“Fucking Sweden,” Eddie spits out the words, and Buck knows this table is more than likely going to end up as unneeded kindling.

Still, he figures, it’s a better outlet than an underground illegal fight club.

They get to work.

Christopher finally texts Eddie back after a month of living with his grandparents, and Eddie damn near bursts into tears at work when he does.

“What’d he say?” Buck asks, tugging Eddie aside so they can hide behind one of the trucks for privacy.

Wordlessly, Eddie hands the phone over to Buck and slumps back against the truck, still visibly fighting off tears.

Hi dad. Texas is fun, I got to go swimming with my cousins yesterday. Love you.

“That’s it?” Buck asks, before he can help himself, and Eddie just snorts in agreement.

“He saves all his words for girls, I guess,” Eddie says, ruefully.

“Still,” Buck says, “that’s progress.”

Eddie nods once, swallowing over the lump in his throat.

“I just miss him so much,” he says quietly, breaking Buck’s heart all over again.

All Buck wants to do is wrap Eddie up in a hug until everything is ok again, but the alarm goes off before he can even try.

“This is so much fun!” Eddie grins as he yells to Buck as he jumps up and down to the music, too drunk to call it actual dancing.

Buck grins back widely and just as drunkenly, and hands over the newest round of shots to Eddie and Ravi before downing one himself.

Ravi gives him a mock salute before melting back into the crowd and leaving them alone. A punk rock show in a packed bar hadn’t seemed like the best idea when Ravi had proposed it, but so much alcohol later, Buck is beginning to see the appeal. The band is screaming something at them and the crowd is screaming it back at them with joyful rage, but Buck can’t make out the words. He doesn’t think Eddie can either, but he’s certainly yelling back at the stage with gusto.

“We might be too old for this,” Buck yells back, but Eddie can’t hear him, or pretends not to. His eyes are closed and he’s scream singing so loud that his throat is bound to be raw in the morning, but he’s also more relaxed than Buck has seen him in weeks, so he lets it go.

“Fuck the patriarchy!” Buck yells into the crowd, unsure if that’s right, but figures he guessed well enough when they cheer around him.

“It’s not about horses!” Eddie yells back, red-faced and beautiful.

Buck laughs so hard that liquor shoots up his nose, but he’s too happy in that moment to even feel the burn.

“Maybe we should drive to Texas and see him,” Buck says one night after work. “He’s been texting you more often, right?”

“I can’t,” Eddie says, curled up on himself on his couch. “I just..” he says, sighing.

“You’d be too tempted to throw him in the truck and make a break for it?” Buck says, laughing even though he knows it’s true.

“Exactly,” Eddie says, shrugging helplessly. “I don’t want to make it worse, but I don’t know if I’d be able to think straight if I was actually there.”

“I get it,” Buck says.

After a moment, Eddie clears his throat and gives Buck a tight smile.

“You could go see him if you wanted,” he says. “He was never angry at you.”

“Absolutely not,” Buck says, surprised at his own vehemence. “Not without you.”

“You don’t have to punish him because he’s pissed at me,” Eddie says, giving Buck an earnest look. “I know how much you miss him, too.”

“I do,” Buck agrees. “But Eds, he’s your kid. I wouldn’t do that.”

“He’s your kid, too,” Eddie says, and it should make Buck’s heart soar, but all it does now is make him sad.

“Yeah, well,” Buck says around the lump in his throat, “I’ve never hit a lady before, and I don’t want to break that streak if your mom says something bitchy.”

Eddie laughs at that, startled at Buck’s matter of fact tone.

“Guess you’re stuck here with me, then,” he says.

And that, that’s the one part of all of this that Buck doesn’t hate.

Buck comes home to his loft one day in early August, needing to refresh the bag of clothes he’s been living out of at Eddie’s, to find Eddie himself pacing around his kitchen like a restless wild animal.

“Eds?” he asks, eyeing Eddie warily. He’s got a piece of highlighter pink paper crumpled in one clenched hand, and a haunted look on his face.

“I got the mail,” Eddie says, sounding shockingly calm despite his frenzied appearance.

“Ok?” Buck asks, placing his bag down in front of the closed door and approaching Eddie slowly.

“I couldn’t go back into the house,” Eddie says, still clutching the paper. “I thought I was doing better, you know?”

“You were,” Buck says, “You are, I mean.”

“I’m not,” Eddie says, shoving the paper at Buck when he stands just a foot from him.

Buck steps back slight and uncrumples the paper, seeing the announcement from Chris’ school about the upcoming Open House to kick off the new school year.

“Shit,” Buck says softly. “Already?”

Eddie nods.

“School starts in less than a month. And I haven’t even told them that Chris isn’t coming back.”

“You don’t know that,” Buck says, desperately. “He can still come home in plenty of time.”

Eddie nods again, before crumpling like the paper was and falling into the hug Buck offers.

“But what if he doesn’t?” he asks into Buck’s neck.  “What if he wants to stay there forever? I know I’m supposed to want what makes him happy, but what do I do if he never wants to come home?”

Buck rubs his back soothingly and holds him close, letting him cry it out.

“Hey,” he says after a bit, pushing Eddie up gently so that he can look him in the face. “It’s gonna be fine,” he says, resolutely.

“You can’t..” Eddie starts, but Buck interrupts him.

“The way I see it,” Buck says. “The cost of living is cheaper there, right? Maybe, anyway, I’d have to research it. But everywhere has fires. We can find jobs.”

“We?” Eddie asks, eyes wide and wild as they look up at Buck.

“Obviously,” Buck says. “I’m not letting both of my best friends leave me.”

“You hate the humidity,” Eddie says, frowning as if something as trivial as weather would change Buck’s mind.

“I love you more,” Buck says, simply. As if he hadn’t just turned Eddie’s entire world view upside down.

Eddie smiles at him then, almost shyly, before dropping his gaze.

“I want..” he says, before sighing at himself in frustration. “I don’t know what I want,” he continues, looking back up and giving Buck the full brunt of his big brown eyes. “But I know I want you with me.”

“Yeah?” Buck asks, unable to stop the hope warming his chest from the inside.

Eddie nods again, and then again, almost frantic with it until Buck reaches out and cradles his face in both hands.

“We’ll figure it out,” Buck promises, rubbing his thumbs soothingly against Eddie’s unfairly sculpted jawline.

Eddie grasps Buck’s waist and closes his eyes, taking what feels like his first deep breath since the day Christopher walked out the door.

Another week later, Buck and Eddie are brainstorming ways to tell Cap they’ll be leaving in hushed tones, avoiding the others at work and their nosy ears, when Eddie’s phone rings.

“Probably just spam,” Eddie says, rolling his eyes as he pulls the phone out of his pocket.

Buck’s laugh catches in his throat as Eddie’s face lights up for a moment before he schools it.

“Hey, mijo,” he says in a remarkably calm voice, considering he hasn’t heard his son’s voice in months.

Buck gives up all pretense of being cool and crowds himself right up next to Eddie so that he can hear the call.

“Hey, dad,” Chris says, voice somehow both deeper and smaller than Buck remembers.

Eddie smacks Buck away from him, but he puts the phone on speaker before Buck can get offended.

“What’s up?” Eddie asks, voice neutral but knee shaking under Buck’s gripped hand.

For a long torturous moment, there’s no response, and Eddie fights back the urge to rush him into speaking.

“Remember when I left?” Chris says.

“Of course I do,” Eddie says, sharing a hopeful look with Buck over the phone he holds between them.

“Are you too mad at me to let me come home?” Chris asks, and Eddie wants to cry.

Buck does cry, silently and unashamed.

“I’m not mad at you,” Eddie says quickly. “And even if I was. Chris, I’d never be mad enough that you couldn’t come home. Not ever.”

“I miss you,” Chris says, sounding unbearably young. “And Buck. And my friends.”

“Then I’ll come get you,” Eddie says. “I’ll leave right now, I can be there by morning.”

“Our shift ends in an hour,” Buck says, smiling when he hears Chris laugh.

“We’ll leave in an hour, then,” Eddie says, grinning.

“Buck, too?” Chris asks, hopefully.

“I’ll be there, Buddy,” Buck says. “Promise.”

“Go pack,” Eddie says, as the bell goes off around them, “I’ll call you back before we leave, ok baby?”

“Daaad,” Chris sighs at the name.

“Deal with it,” Eddie says, laughing. “You’ll always be my baby and I’ll always love you, no matter what.”

“Fine,” Chris sighs again, but he sounds secretly pleased, Buck thinks.

“I love you, too,” he says after a moment. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He hangs up before Eddie can say anything else embarrassing, but he doesn’t even care. His baby is coming home.

“Lets go, boys!” Bobby yells from across the room, giving them an incredulous look.

“Coming, Cap!” Buck says, tugging Eddie along, laughing as they go.

“You ready?” Bucks asks as he waits by Eddie’s truck, the keys in his hand.

Eddie makes sure the house door is locked and jogs over to where Buck is standing, giving him only a moment’s heads up before tugging Buck in for an enthusiastic kiss.

“Yeah,” Eddie says, hands still on Buck’s shoulders and thumbs rubbing both sides of his collarbone. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

Buck can only grin back at him with sunshiny awe.

“Then let’s go get our kid.”

The End

[jeysbvck]

tell me you love me ('cause that's all that i need to hear)

a/n: thank u to my bestie @vigilvntes for reading and being my hype person and coming up with the perfect title for this little thing i wrote! comabuck has been embedded in my brain since last year thanks to the lovely genius @loveyourownsmiilee first spoke about the theory, and after 6x10 i reworked the wip a little and came up with this! hope you all like it, and please reblog!!

warnings: minor spoilers for 6x10, angst, fluff, coma buck. if im missing any just let me know!

word count: 2.6k

summary: "You're in love with Buck." Maddie said like it was a factual statement. The sky is blue, the grass is green and Eddie is in love with Buck. "You didn't know?" She asked.

"No, I, um, I knew." Eddie confessed, and a weight fell off his shoulders as he did. "I just…"

"Didn't know anyone else knew." Maddie finished, and Eddie chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck as he nodded. "Yeah, exactly." "Well, I'm pretty sure the only person that doesn't know, is Buck."

The sounds from the television mounted on the pale blue walls and the high-pitched rhythmic beeping from the monitor Buck was hooked up to were no match for how loud Eddie's thoughts were. He couldn't stop playing what happened in his mind, like he was watching a horror movie on a movie screen. He went over every moment, from Buck going up the ladder instead of Chim, of Eddie himself hooking Buck's rope. He'd lost count of how many times he'd done it, it was almost second nature at this point, but had he made a mistake this time?

Eddie knew he'd never forget the sight of Buck's lifeless body hanging from the rope, or the way his stomach dropped, his chest tightened as he realised what had happened. He saw it when he closed his eyes, he could see it now, and each time it made him want to throw up. Sure, Buck had been hurt before, and it scared Eddie, but not like this, and he'd never been out for this long, he'd never been quiet for this long. Eddie longed to hear the sound of Buck's voice; to hear one of the random facts Buck had learned, or for Buck to ask him a question about a receipe. Even if he could just hear his laugh that filled Eddie with warmth and comfort, like it was his favourite song.

The conversation with Chris about Buck was almost as hard as the conversation about Shannon. Eddie didn't know what to tell him, he didn't have the answers to the questions Chris was asking. He couldn't promise that Buck would be okay, he couldn't tell him if or when Buck would wake up. After Eddie and his son cried and hugged, they had a movie night, with ice cream for dinner, but Eddie couldn't focus. All he could think about was when he was shot and was it all as hard for Buck as it was for Eddie now? Did Buck feel like this; did the thought of losing his partner shatter his heart into little shards that were stabbing his chest? Did Buck feel like his world was ending, just as Eddie did?

Eddie knew he had an advantage over Buck in their parallel situations. Eddie knew how much he and Chris needed Buck, it's why Eddie put him in his will. Something they hadn't spoken about, even since the shooting. Buck didn't understand how much they needed him, and Eddie was sure he still didn't truly understand, even after everything. Eddie needed Buck to fight to come home, to come back, and that's why he allowed Chris to visit Buck.

It broke Eddie's heart, seeing Chris' heart break as he stared at Buck. "He looks like he's sleeping." Chris whispered. Eddie choked on his words, but thankfully Hen stepped in, and placed a hand on Chris' shoulder. "He is sleeping," Hen replied gently, the smile on her face not quite reaching her eyes. "He just needs a lot of it to get better, and the machine helps him." Chris just nodded, then slowly made his way to Buck, sliding his small hand into Bucks large, soft ones. He started talking quietly, and Eddie could only make out certain words, but the one phrase he did catch made him leave the room before he could break down. "I know you'll wake up, Buck, because you promised you weren't going anywhere."

Eddie, Maddie, and the rest of the 118 all took shifts in sitting with Buck. When it was Eddie's turn, sometimes he brought Chris, who liked to read to Buck while Eddie spent the whole time choking on the permanent lump in his throat. When Eddie visited alone, he had to fight the urge to hold Buck's hand, he had to fight the wave of emotion that threatened to drown him. Instead, he told himself Buck could hear him, and he spoke about work, passed on Carla's messages, told him when to expect Chris; he talked about everything, except his own feelings.

That was, until, Buck crashed. Eddie and Bobby were watching through the window, while Hen was in the room. Then, the machine started beeping wildly, and Hen jumped off the chair as she screamed for someone to help. Bobby had to hold Eddie back as he tried to burst into the room, and now Eddie was hiding outside, begging himself not to have a panic attack, begging the universe not to take Buck away from him.

Maddie was the one who found him, and they sat silently on the bench. "He's back." Maddie said, after a while. "He's not awake, but they got him back."

Eddie let out a breath of relief, one he didn't realise he was holding onto, and Maddie put her hand on his arm. "You should tell him."

Eddie looked at her, confused. "Tell who what?" He asked, and Maddie chuckled. "Buck. You love him."

"I-uh-I-what?" Eddie stumbled, words failing him. Of all the things he thought Maddie was going to say when she sat down, this was not on the list of possibilities.

"You're in love with Buck." Maddie said, like it was a factual statement. The sky is blue, the grass is green and Eddie is in love with Buck. "You didn't know?" She asked.

"No, I, um, I knew." Eddie confessed, and a weight fell off his shoulders as he did. "I just…"

"Didn't know anyone else knew." Maddie finished, and Eddie chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck as he nodded. "Yeah, exactly."

"Well, I'm pretty sure the only person that doesn't know, is Buck." Maddie replied.

"Yeah, maybe he never will." Eddie whispered. Maddie snatched Eddie's hand and gave it a squeeze, making Eddie look at her.

"Buck is going to be okay. He's going to come back to us, to you." She said, her resolve and confidence in her younger brother was enough to let Eddie hope too. "Tell him, now. It'll make you feel better, and it might be enough."

"Enough to what?"

"Bring him back."

-

So here was Eddie, about to confess to his partner, his best friend, the person he'd put in charge of his life, his world, that he was in love with him, with absolutely no idea if he could hear him. He took Bucks hand, which was surprisingly warm, and sighed. Even here, Buck was stunning, and Maddies words echoed round his brain. It might be enough to bring him back. Eddie was willing to try anything to make Buck open his eyes, and if this worked, if Buck opened his eyes and laughed at Eddie's confession of love, it would be worth it, just to look into Buck's breathtaking blue eyes.  

"Hey Buck, it's me, again." Eddie began, rolling his eyes as the heat of embarrassment crept into his cheeks. "Shit, this is embarrassing. I need to tell you something, and it can't wait anymore." Eddie sighed, his eyes fixed on Bucks face, waiting for any sign that Buck was waking up, or even just that he could hear him, but nothing. "Buck, I need you to wake up. I don't know how to do any of this without you. You just- you're such an important part of my life, of Christopher's life, we need you, more than you know."

"I can't function without you, Buck, nothing feels right. Being at work, without you there, it's wrong. Sure, we've worked without each other before, but this is different, because right now, you're not coming back. And I need to you're coming back. Movie nights without you don't feel the same, I miss you talking over the film, I miss you making us pause it because you have a crazy fact. Christopher won't even look at the zoo when we drive past it. He's been writing everything down in a little notebook, everything that he's been doing, so he can tell you when you're awake."

"Jee misses her uncle Buck too, she keeps asking for you, and Chim doesn't know what to tell her. She knows somethings wrong, kids always do, but she doesn't understand. We all need you, Buck, we love you. I- I love you, Buck."

Eddie wiped the tears streaming down his face, and his eyes darted up to the window, grateful that nobody was watching this unfold. Had Maddie told everyone about the conversation? Were they giving Eddie privacy because they knew he was confessing his feelings? He hated that this is how he had to do this. He hated that the first time he was truly expressing his feelings for Buck, was while Buck was seriously hurt. A part of him hoped it didn't work, that Buck didn't hear him, then Eddie could tell him after his recovery. He had recognised his feelings long ago, and he didn't want Buck to think this was just because he was hurt.

"Buck, I've been in love with you for years. I- I didn't know until therapy, but Frank- well, he made me see. I'm not sure when I fell in love with you, maybe it just happened one day. You just- you make me feel safe, Buck, there's nothing that feels more like home than being with you and Christopher. I handed you most of my heart when I made you Chris' guardian, and now I'm giving you the rest of it."

Eddie's heart slammed loudly against his ribcage, and he was certain that if anyone walked in now -or if Buck woke up- they'd be able to hear it too. He couldn't bear to look at Buck anymore, so he leant forward, dropping his head down as he brought Buck's knuckles to his lips. Then, he lowered Buck's hand back on the bed, but he didn't let go, even when Bobby finally came into the room.

"You alright?" Bobby asked and Eddie nodded. "Athena is on the way, she's bringing coffee, I think everyone's had enough of the stuff they serve in the cafeteria." 

Eddie chuckled, then sighed. "I'll get out of your way in a moment, Cap, I just-" Eddie stopped, his eyes wide as he stared at Buck. Was he imagining things, or did Buck just squeeze his hand?

"What's wrong?" Bobby asked, and Eddie shook his head. "Nothing, I just thought I felt-"

He felt it again, this time it was stronger and he looked up at his Captain. "Bobby, I think he's waking up!"

Bobby took two strides towards the bed and took Buck's other hand. "Buck? Can you hear me?"

Eddie's blood turned to ice in his veins as he flashed back to when he asked Buck that same question, before he realised he was unconscious in the air. Everything came rushing back, the tight chest, the guilt and anger that bubbled up when he tried and failed to pull Buck towards him. But when Eddie heard Bobby open the door and shout for help, Eddie was brought back to reality. His eyes found Buck, whose eyes were open slightly, as he adjusted to the light.

Eddie felt relief consume him, and he tried as hard as he could to blink the tears away as the nurses removed the tube from Buck's throat and helped him sit up. He watched silently as Bobby helped Buck take a drink of water.

"How you feeling, kid?" Bobby asked, and Buck's slight chuckle turned into a cough. "Like I've been hit by lightning."

Eddie rolled his eyes but his heart swelled. Buck's voice was gravelly, and he no doubt had a sore throat from the intubation tube, but he still sounded like himself. Eddie didn't even know what to say, he just stared at Buck, like he couldn't believe he was real. Like Eddie was going to wake up any moment, and Buck was going to be lifeless again.

"I guess I won't be working for a while, huh Bobby?" Buck said, and Bobby laughed.

"You've been awake for two minutes and you're already worrying about coming back to work." Bobby sighed, and Buck smiled, bashfully. "Just focus on getting better first, okay?"

"Okay." Buck agreed, then he looked at Eddie for the first time, and his eyes softened, like he was seeing his favourite painting for the first time. "Hey, Eddie."

"Hey, Buck." Eddie breathed. Hearing his name come out of his mouth, for the first time in almost two weeks, was almost enough to make Eddie burst into tears, but luckily he held it together.

"Hey Cap?" Buck said, his eyes fixed on Eddie, a playful smirk on his face, and Eddie knitted his eyebrows together, watching Buck suspiciously. "Did you know Eddie loves me?"

Eddie choked on air as Buck grinned smugly. Eddie was shook, not only by what had just happened, but by the mere fact that Buck had actually heard him.

"I'll go let everyone know you're awake." Bobby said, the chair scraping across the floor as he stood up, and before he left the room, he turned to Buck. "And yes, I did know."

Buck laughed loudly as Eddie groaned. "You're such an ass." Eddie said, and Buck grinned.

"Yeah, but you love me." Buck replied, and Eddie rolled his eyes. "Come 'ere." He said, beckoning Eddie towards him with a curl of his finger.

Eddie got up from the chair and sat next to Buck on the bed, the shitty hospital mattress dipping as he did. Buck too a deep breath, and then smiled. "I love you, Eddie."

"You...you do?"

Buck nodded and held his hand out flat, palm facing up. Eddie took it without hesitation, and Buck wrapped his fingers round Eddie's tight, just as he had done to Buck's earlier. "I'm in love with you."

Eddie's free hand instinctively caressed Buck's cheek, Buck's long eyelashes fluttering as he closed his eyes at the gentle, intimate touch. Eddie leaned in slowly, stopping just inches away from Buck's full lips. "You know, this isn't because you're-"

Buck closed the small gap between the two men, their lips moulding together as they fell into the kiss. Eddie had never had a kiss like this, it took all the oxygen from his lungs, the volcano inside him erupting as the world around them faded away. This is what a first kiss is supposed to feel like.

"I know it isn't." Buck mumbled against Eddie's lips. "We should've done that a long time ago."

"We're idiots." Eddie said with a laugh, and Buck beamed. "We've got plenty of time to make up for it, though." He replied, pressing his lips to Buck's again, just in time for the rest of the 118 to burst through the door.

Bobby, Athena, Maddie, Chim, Hen and Ravi all stood crowded at the door, staring at the two men on the hospital bed. Then, Hen grinned and shouted, "Time to pay up!" as Chim and Ravi groaned and muttered complaints under their breaths.

"You guys knew?!" Buck asked, and Chimney laughed.

"Neither one of you was very subtle about it, cowboy."

"I'm never going to live that down." Eddie grumbled, and Buck laughed as he kissed his cheek.

"Just be glad those weren't your last words to me." Buck teased and Eddie groaned again. "Is it too late to retract my declaration of love?" He asked.

"Yes it is." Buck giggled, then his voice dropped so only Eddie could hear him. "Maybe I still have my cowboy hat somewhere, from when I worked on the ranch. Would that make up for my mocking?"

Eddie raised his eyebrow at Buck, who was smirking shyly at his adorable attempt to flirt. "Hmm, It's a start." Eddie replied, before kissing Buck again, forgetting -or not caring- that everyone else was still in the room. "I'm gonna hold you to that, Buckley."

"Oh I'm counting on it, Diaz."

[biboybuckley]

crashing, i’m crashing right into you

Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz | 6.7k | teen and up audiences | read on ao3 | sequel

Buck gets an unfortunate call while driving and spirals before getting hit by a drunk driver. Surprise, coma!buck is real and can hear the things people (Eddie and Maddie) say while he's unconscious. Follows the struggles Buck deals with while trying to come back and the ones he has to face if he does.

6.07 spec, so the sperm donor issue is a Thing.

(inspired by this post)

-

Buck planned on telling Eddie. Really, he did.  He was sitting in front of Conner and Kameron and hoping his smile looked real and thinking what am I gonna tell Eddie? And then he was at the station a few days later and Hen was watching him and Eddie was venting about Chris and it became more about how can he possibly tell this to Eddie?

How can Buck tell Eddie- Eddie, who still has guilt over leaving Chris when he was born- Eddie, who is the best father Buck thinks he’s ever met- Eddie, who will see right through Buck the moment he opens his mouth- how can he tell him what he’s agreed to? That he’s going to be a father who walks away. That he knows it’s going to kill him, but he’s doing it anyway because he can’t say no. That once again, he’s whittling his worth down to a mere collection of parts. 

He can’t, is the conclusion he comes to. He can’t tell Eddie. Not yet, at least. Once… once the deed is done, then he’ll come clean. He’ll tell Eddie everything and he’ll close himself off to the pain because what’s done will be done and neither of them can change it. He’ll tell Eddie once it’s too late to back out, because Eddie is the one person that could give him that choice. 

So Buck keeps it to himself. He pulls Hen aside during their shift and begs her not to say anything to anyone and she looks at him with those devastatingly caring eyes and touches his arm gently and asks, “Are you sure?” And Buck swallows his tears, puts on a smile, and nods. And Hen lets him go. He goes straight to the bathroom and throws up. 

It’s an excruciating two weeks until his doctor’s appointment. He barely speaks to the team. Hen’s giving him space, the only one who knows what he’s dealing with. Chim has seemingly picked up on her behavior and hasn’t pressed Buck. Bobby called him into his office a couple times, asking if he’s alright. 

Buck’s been smiling and saying, “Fine, Cap. Just something I’m trying to figure out.” And Bobby’s been giving him a look like he knows something, smiling a little, and telling Buck he’s proud of him. Which… okay, it’s nice to hear, but Buck’s got no idea what he’s referring to. He even asked Hen if she told Bobby anything and she swore she hadn’t. Buck shrugged it off.

The main issue has been Eddie. Once everything blew over with Chris, it became increasingly hard to keep this from Eddie. Eddie… he sees Buck, sees right through him. No- not through him. Buck’s parent’s saw through him, like he was nothing but a ghost, haunting them. Which, in a way, he supposes he was. No, Eddie looks into Buck. Like he’s peeling back the layers to peer right into Buck’s very core, taking his defenses apart piece by piece and leaving him bare, everything laid out for Eddie to pick through and place back together. 

Hiding something from Eddie is awful. Because it means Buck can hardly even talk to him. It takes one look and Buck wants desperately to spill his guts, to confess his all sins and have them cleansed away with soft words and gentle touches. He’s been avoiding Eddie, for the most part. He knows it’s hurting Eddie. It’s hurting him. It’s an actual, physical pain. An aching, sharp and hollow in his chest. A burning, gathering in his throat and spreading through his veins. 

Eddie’s tried talking to him. He’s begged Buck to tell him was wrong, bribed him with dinners with Chris and activities- family activities. Usually, Buck’s defenseless against those. But… now they make a wave of nausea crest in his gut and tears burn behind his eyes. It’s something he’ll never have, not really. He can play pretend with his Diaz boys all he wants, but when it comes down to it- when it comes down to it, he’s not one of them. Not in the way he wants to be. 

And he wants, he wants so bad. He wants to come home every night to them, to wake up with them every morning. He wants to kiss away Eddie’s pout everytime something goes wrong between them, he wants to promise Chris that no matter how mad Eddie might seem, it’s only because he loves him and he’ll calm down. He wants to be there so Eddie doesn’t always have to be the bad cop, he wants to be there whenever Chris has something he feels he can’t tell his dad. He wants to cook them family dinners each night and shop for their groceries and kiss them both goodnight and take care of them when they’re sick. Buck wants. He wants it all, so badly it threatens to crush him sometimes when he remembers he’ll never get it. 

But he doesn’t want anyone else, either. 

He’s come to that conclusion after many, many hours of thinking about what in his life will actually make him happy. Girlfriends never have. His job does, but it’s not enough. His family does, but not in the way he needs. The closest he’s ever gotten is the few shining moments he’s had with his Diaz boys when it seems like maybe, just maybe, he could belong to them. He doesn’t want anyone else. 

He realized that after a conversation with Hen about being Conner and Kameron’s donor. 

“Are you really sure this is what you want, Buck?” she’d asked again. She’d asked countless times over the past couple weeks, and Buck had always nonend. This time, though, she’d pressed. “Why? I know you love to help people but- there’s got to be more to this, Buck.”

And he’d been a little tipsy, so he’d sighed heavily and said, “I’ve always- I’ve always wanted a kid of my own. Like, one I made, y’know? And… I know they won’t really be mine, but… it’s looking like the only chance I’ll get.” 

“Buck,” she’d murmured, “There’s someone out there, someone for you.” Yeah, Buck thought, he’s about a ten minute drive away. “You’ll find them eventually.”

“No,” Buck breathed, shaking his head. Because he’s already found them. And he can never have them. “No, I don’t- this is my chance.” Something in his voice must have indicated he didn’t want to talk about it, because Hen dropped it. 

Buck wants Eddie. He doesn’t want the next best thing, and it wouldn’t be fair to whoever that is. He’s going to die exactly how he’s living, half in Eddie’s world and half on his own. One foot inside the house, one foot inside the fire station. He’s trying to accept it. 

Two and a half weeks after he sat in front of his friend and promised him his child, Buck’s heart feels about ready to beat out of his chest as he walks towards the doctor’s office. Vaguely, he wonders if he’s having a panic attack. He shakes his head at himself. No, no, he’s fine. He’s fine. He’s gonna go in there, get this done, and then walk away. Just like he agreed. He’s also definitely, definitely not going to think about Eddie. 

It’s hard not to, though, because he convinced himself to say yes to Eddie’s invitation to dinner and movie night at the Diaz house tomorrow night. He’s going to tell Eddie. Tomorrow, he’s going to tell Eddie. Once the sample has been processed, once there’s no backing out. Yeah. 

He takes a deep breath and opens the door to the doctor’s office. It’s going to be fine. 

-

Buck spends the next twenty-four hours in a numb, detached state. He barely sleeps. He goes through the motions of his life. He deep cleans his entire loft because he has the day off but he has to do something. He reads a third of the newest self-help books he’s found, but sitting still allows the nauseous feeling in his gut to build and threaten to overwhelm him. He goes to the gym and pushes himself to almost dangerous levels, until two of the other patrons have to run over and lift off the barbell that’s attempting to crush his throat. He takes that as a sign to go home. He remakes his bed three times until you could bounce a coin off it, reorganizes his book shelf, even cleans his toilet. 

Finally, mercifully, the clock hits 5:45 and it’s time to head over to Eddie’s. Climbing in the jeep, his stomach rumbles and he absently realizes he hasn’t eaten since lunch yesterday. Hopefully Eddie’s made something good. His cooking has improved a lot lately, but he’ll still occasionally produce something that Chris often likens to an “old shoe.”

He only makes it a few blocks before he gets the call. His phone starts ringing and Buck taps the car display, answering without looking at the caller ID. An unfamiliar voice crackles through the jeep’s audio system. 

“Is this Mr. Evan Buckley?”

“Uh, yeah, yeah that’s me. Buck is fine.”

“Hello Mr. Buckley, this is Dr. Alice Offley.”

“Oh! Doctor, of course, hello. Is everything alright?”

“I-” she hesitates and Buck’s heart begins to sink. “There’s no easy way to say this, Mr. Buckley, but I have some concerns regarding your medical history that I’d like to discuss with you.”

“Y-yeah,” Buck whispers. “Yeah, of course.” 

“It says here you’ve suffered both a pulmonary embolism as well as blood clots as recently as 2019?”

“Yes, yeah, but that was- that was a firefighting incident, I’m fine now.”

The doctor only hums thoughtfully. Then, “And there’s a history of cancer in your family?” Buck’s blood runs cold, his heart settling in the pit of his stomach. 

“Y-yeah,” he chokes out. “Is that- does that mean I can’t-”

“It means I’ll have to let your recipients know. There are some very serious risks involved that they need to be made aware of.”

“Y-you mean th-the kid could-”

“The child conceived from your DNA could be genetically predisposed to be at risk for cancer, specifically pediatric leukemia.” 

The world goes mute. White noise rings in Buck’s ears. The road in front of him blurs. He must hang up, because the screen goes dark. Tears burn his eyes. His chest feels like it’s caving in on itself, compressing his heart tighter and tighter until it’s about to burst. He can’t breathe, he can’t see, he can’t hear. Everything has gone muted and numb and this can’t be real. It feels like- it feels like he’s being crushed by the firetruck again, but this time there’s no one here to hold his hand. 

And then the impact slams him sideways and his head hits the steering wheel and it feels like nothing at all. 

-

Gaining consciousness is a struggle. The darkness calls to him, soothing and alluring and gentle. The blaring horn is the only thing he can latch onto to drag himself out of it. The sound is deafening and nonstop. It’s- it’s coming from his car, he realizes. He can’t see anything, even as he fights to open his eyes. The world swims in and out of view and it’s dark, it’s all dark. Every part of his body hurts. As much as he struggles, he can’t move and he can’t remember what happened. 

“H-he-hey S-Siri,” he croaks out. The small chime sounds and relief blooms in his chest. “Call 911.”

The line only rings twice before a male voice answers, “911, what’s your emergency?”

“M-Maddie Buckley,” he gasps. 

“I’m sorry sir, what was that?”

“Operator Maddie Buckley,” he begs, his voice breaking into a sob. “Please, please. Maddie.” The line clicks and then,

“Hello?” Buck whimpers out a sob of relief. “This is Maddie, who is this?”

“Mads,” Buck chokes. “Maddie.”

“Buck?” Panic creeps into her voice. “Evan is that you?”

“Accident,” his words are growing slurred and he realizes he doesn’t have long. “I need- I need you t-to call-” He coughs, gasping in breaths as the pain begins to overwhelm him. His vision swims and his breathing is ragged, raspy, pained. “Call Eddie.”

“Evan, where are you?” Maddie pleads, nearly hysteric. 

“Please,” he cries. “Please, promise me. Promise me you’ll tell him-”

“Evan, stop.”

“Maddie, listen,” he gasps. “You have to promise me, promise you’ll tell him I’m sorry.”

“No.” Buck can hear the tears in her voice. “No, no. No. You- you can tell him yourself. No.” 

“Maddie, I love you. But I need you to promise me you’ll tell him, and tell Chris. Tell them- tell them I loved them a-and I’m sorry, god, I’m so sorry.” His words are slow now, and he can only hope they’re clear enough for her to hear him. She knows, though. He knows she knows. She’ll tell them. But still, he whispers, “Promise me.”

“I promise,” Maddie sobs. “But Evan, I need you to stay with me. Please, please don’t leave me. Stay awake, come on baby brother.”

“I love you. ‘M s’rry,” Buck slurs, and then he lets go and the darkness swallows him. He doesn’t even hear the last thing he whispers, “I think I’d have been a good dad.”

-

There’s a hand in his. Rough and warm, calluses brushing against his skin, holding onto him tightly. This is the first thing he’s aware of. The next is the beeping. Monotonous and steady, repetitive. It’s a familiar sound, but he can’t place it. Third is the smell. Again, he can’t place it. But it’s earthy and sweet and just… the only word that comes to him is home. 

He’s floating, not really anywhere at all. He’s not in the blackness anymore. Now it’s more gray. He can’t feel anything except the hand holding his. Then the hand shifts, pulling his up, and soft lips brush against his knuckles. The lips slide over his fingers and then a cheek, damp with tears, is resting against their joined hands. 

He hears a sniffle, small and heartbroken. He wants to reach out, to wipe away the tears, to kiss away the crying. Then the person clears their throat. When they talk, the voice comes out gravelly and rough. 

“I need you to wake up, Buck.” It’s more a plea than a command, heavy with grief. “Please. Please, I- I don’t- I can’t do this without you, man. Any of it. Please wake up. Please.” And Buck wants to. He wants to come back to this person whose name flits from his grasp but he knows he loves more than anything in this world. He wants to do whatever it takes to take the pain out of their voice. 

There’s a shaky, tearful sigh, and then there’s a hand on his forehead, adjusting his curls gently, fingertips brushing his skin. “It wasn’t your fault. Maddie- Maddie said that you kept saying sorry. That she was begging you to tell her where you were, but you just… kept saying sorry. Sorry to me. Me and Chris. Like- like you thought we’d blame you. She said you used every breath you had trying to reach us.” The tears are coming now, dripping onto Buck’s skin and rolling toward his wrist. 

The person takes a deep, broken up breath. “She said it was almost too late when they got to you. You almost- you almost didn’t- you almost didn’t make it, Evan.” The words are hitching, threaded with stifled sobs. “You still might not, and I don’t know what the hell happens if you don’t. I can’t- I can’t tell him, Buck. I can’t tell him he’s never going to see you again.”

Buck strains, aching to scream I’m here! He’s going to see me! The effort makes the grayness spin and darken, everything growing farther away. He can’t feel the hand as solidly now, the beeping is dulled. He still fights because he doesn’t want to leave, not right now. He wants to hear what else this person’s going to say to him. 

But he loses his battle, slipping back into the blackness. He doesn’t hear Eddie say, “How can I tell him he’s never going to see his father again?”

-

It feels more solid the next time Buck reaches the surface. He feels steadier, a little less like he’s floating. There’s a hand in his again. There’s the same beeping. The same scent hovering around him. But now he can feel the soft sheets beneath his other hand, the pillow supporting his head. He’s closer. 

The voice comes again, and he can taste the name on his tongue. “It’s been a week. They- they don’t know if you’re going to wake up. They say the longer it takes, the less likely it is. I don’t- I don’t want to believe them, Buck. Th-they don’t know you. They don’t know that you are a fighter and that there’s no way in hell you’re going to leave your family, not like this. You- you’re not- you’re not gonna leave me, Buck. You’re not. You didn’t- you didn’t drag me out of that street two years ago just to- to die on me before I get the chance to tell you…” 

Tell me what?! Buck wants to scream, but his body won’t obey him. 

“No,” the voice says, as if they heard Buck. “No, I’ll tell you when you wake up. I’m not… I’m not saying this until you can say it back.” There’s a shifting nearby and then the hand squeezes his own and those same soft lips brush Buck’s forehead, pressing the softest of kisses into his skin. “Please come back so I can tell you. Please.”

There’s silence for a few moments as Buck struggles to no avail. Then, “Chris misses you.” A face flashes in Buck’s mind. Curly hair, like his. Blue eyes, just a few shades off from his own. Glasses. Big, goofy grin. For a beat, he thinks he’s seeing the child he could have had. Then- no, the name sinks in and no, this isn’t his kid. It’s just the one he wishes was his. “He’s been asking about you, if he can see you. I- I keep telling him no. You- you wouldn’t want him to see you like this, when you can’t respond. I know that. But.. it’s hard Buck,” he admits, his voice breaking, “it’s so hard. I don’t want the next time he sees you to be… to be at a funeral. I really, really need you to come back.”

It’s more painful than the crash itself when Buck realizes he can’t do what the voice is asking. 

-

The third time he becomes aware of his surroundings, the hand in his is different. It’s smaller, more delicate. Softer, lacking the callouses. The voice is sweeter and less rough, sadder, when the person speaks. 

“Hi Evan. I, um,” there’s a small laugh, “I’m never really sure if you can hear me. Eddie changes his mind every time he tries to talk to you. But- I just- I wanted you to know. I’ll tell you again, when you wake up.” A pause. “If you wake up, I guess. But it- it might bring you some peace, I think. I told them, Evan. Just like- like you asked me to. I told Eddie first and he said I could talk to Chris. I rephrased a bit cause you weren’t- you weren’t all that lucid, y’know? But I- I knew what you wanted and I did it, I think. I hope. They knew already, of course they did. But he still… Eddie wanted- wanted to hear the call, Evan. I know- I know you wouldn’t have wanted him to hear you like that but… He’s grieving. I couldn’t say no, couldn’t keep that from him.”

There’s a small, short, teary laugh and then a chin is propped on their joined hands. Similar to the first time he came to, a hand brushes over his forehead. The fingers are softer and nails lightly scratch over his skin. “I hope you’re not mad when you wake up. It’s gonna be a when, yeah Evan? They- they tell me I should get used to saying if. I don’t want to. I want to believe you’re fighting, that you’re gonna come back to me. To them.” A heavy sigh. “I love you, baby brother.”

-

The first voice is back, gruff and warm and spreading through Buck like the glow of sunlight.The first thing he hears is, “I listened to the call. I- I made Maddie let me, so if you’re gonna be pissed at someone when you wake up, be pissed at me. I just… I had to hear it.” A sad, bitter laugh. The voice turns wet with tears, thick with emotion. Something in Buck’s soul aches. “Y-you were- you were choking on your own blood, Buck. I could hear it, over the phone. And still apologizing. Begging to be forgiven. While you were drowning in your own blood, bleeding out in your car on your own. Begging- begging for me. And shit, I was just like ten minutes away, man. But I wasn’t- I wasn’t there.”

Buck’s hands are clasped between two of the rough, calloused ones. They squeeze his fingers and something wet splatters on his skin. Tears, he realizes dimly. The person is crying, breaths hitching as they struggle to talk. “You needed me, and I wasn’t there. I didn’t- I didn’t even know until Maddie called me. And by the time I got there… you looked dead, Evan. I thought you were dead. But they- they were loading you into the ambulance.” A wet laugh. “They tried to stop me. Tried to hold me back. Didn’t work very well. I think I gave Hernandez a black eye. You remember Hernandez, yeah? From the C shift. He finally recognized me and let me through. They barely let me ride in the ambulance with you, but I threatened to call Bobby and no one wanted to fight that bad. Plus… you were in really bad shape. There was no time to argue.”

The hands shift, one leaving his and landing on his cheek, cradling his face softly, fingertips barely brushing over skin. “I thought you might die on the ride. Then in surgery. Then after, when you didn’t wake up. I still- you still might. They’ve been telling us to say if a lot. If you recover fully. If you remember anything. If you wake up at all. Maddie’s been trying. The rest of the crew, too. I can’t- I can’t bring myself to. It feels… it feels like I’d be giving up on you. Because you are going to wake up. You’re gonna come back to me, yeah?” The fingers skim up his face, brushing through his hair. 

“You just have to fight, cariño,” the voice whispers. 

Buck doesn’t know how much fight he has left.  

-

The next time Buck brushes with consciousness, the hand isn’t there. Buck panics, though he’s not sure why. He can feel more this time, the weight of his own body, a pricking sensation in his arm. The bed under him, the air on his skin. He’s so, so close. 

There’s a soft breath beside him and then fingers are intertwining with his and Buck feels like he breathes for the first time in he doesn’t know how long. 

“Hey Buck.” It’s the same voice, but this time when the name comes to him, Buck latches onto it like a lifeline, pulls it close to him and cradles it in his mind. Eddie. “I don’t even know if you’re hearing me. The doctors say it’s likely you can but… I dunno. I feel like- like if you could hear me, you’d come back. It’s stupid, yeah, I know. But- listen, Buck. If you can hear me, don’t- don’t even try to say anything, yeah? Just- just-” He takes a deep breath, steadying himself. “If you can hear me, just squeeze my hand. Please.” Eddie squeezes his hand as if to show him what he means. Then there’s a weight on his hip and he realizes it’s Eddie, resting his forehead against Buck’s body. “Please, Evan, just squeeze my hand.”

And Buck does.

-

It doesn’t happen how Buck thought it would. He doesn’t squeeze Eddie’s hand and open his eyes and everything’s fine. No, he squeezes Eddie’s hand and he hears Eddie shocked, “Buck?” and then the darkness swallows him immediately. 

The hand is still in his when he comes to again. He tests his boundaries, asking his fingers to twitch. They do, and the hand squeezes back instantly. 

“Buck?” Eddie’s voice is almost crystal clear now and Buck feels as if he might cry. But his eyes won’t open and his body still won’t obey him, not even his tear ducts. All he can do is squeeze the fingers in his. “Buck, it’s me, I’m right here.” Eddie sounds almost giddy with disbelief and Buck squeezes his hand again, elated to offer any semblance of relief and always desperate to make Eddie smile. 

“He’s awake!” Eddie’s voice calls. Immediately, a door is opening and there's feet shuffling and voices filling the room. Buck can barely filter them and all he can think is no I’m not. If he was awake, his eyes would be open. His body would listen to him. A panic seizes him suddenly and he starts rapidly squeezing Eddie’s hand, frantic. He can’t live like this, not if he’s not going to get better. He would rather die. 

“Shh, shh, shh,” Eddie gently shushes him, squeezing back and setting a hand on his face, stroking his skin softly. “It’s okay, alright? Doctor Hersen is gonna explain a little.”

“Firefighter Buckley, can you hear me?” A new, older, strict voice reaches Buck. He squeezes Eddie’s hand once. 

“Yeah,” Eddie breathes. “Yeah, he can.” 

The doctor makes a soft humming sound. “Can you do anything else? Open your eyes, control how long you’re conscious?” Buck doesn’t move. He can’t answer. “Let’s try this; one squeeze for yes, two for no until you recover a bit more, alright? Because you will continue to recover, Evan. You just have to be patient with yourself.” Buck squeezes Eddie’s hand once. 

“He gets it.”

“Do you remember what happened?”

Two squeezes and Eddie relays the answer. 

“Alright, that’s a potentially triggering subject to expose you to, so we’re going to refrain until you’re a bit more stable. Do you remember who you are?”

One squeeze. 

“Do you-” That’s Eddie’s voice, cutting in. He clears his throat, fear creeping into his words. “D’you remember who I am?”

One squeeze and Eddie lets out a long, relieved breath. Immediately, half a dozen voices start up again. Buck can’t isolate them, can’t understand them all. Panic starts seizing him again and he’s powerless to do anything but move his left hand, so he starts shaking. His hand, then his whole body is trembling. 

“Stop talking!” Eddie orders immediately, resuming the soothing stroking of Buck’s skin. “Everyone- everyone has to get out, it’s freaking him out.” 

The clamoring doesn’t stop and Buck searches for the darkness this time, yearning for the peace. It takes him in willingly and he manages one last weak squeeze of Eddie’s hand before he drifts off. 

-

The squeezing lasts what feels like maybe a day to Buck. They ask him lots of questions. Some he understands and can answer. Some he understands but can’t answer. Some are just a blur. Memories start coming back, bits and flashes. Getting the call, though he can’t determine who it was he was talking to. The car slamming into him. Calling 911. Talking to Maddie. The 911 call is the most frustrating to remember. He knows he asked for Maddie. He recalls begging her to tell Eddie he was sorry, that he loved them all. But that’s- that’s it. From the sound of it, it was worse than he remembers. It’s probably a good thing. All of it- it’s all just a jumbled mess, but he’s slowly piecing it together, fragment by fragment.

And then one time, he comes back to the surface and he feels Eddie’s hand in his and he smells Eddie’s body wash and he turns his head and he opens his eyes and there he is. Eddie. By his bed, as he has been for god knows how long. He looks exhausted, dark circles under his eyes and hair messy and several days of stubble shadowing his jaw. He’s never looked more beautiful. His eyes are closed, like he might be asleep. 

Buck squeezes his hand and tries to say something, but all that comes out is a hollow croak, somewhere between a moan and a wheeze. Eddie’s eyes fly open and tears well immediately. 

“Buck.” It comes out choked, heavy with shock and disbelief, squeezing his hand so hard it hurts and reaching a hand toward his face. He stops just short of touching Buck’s skin, but Buck gives him a short, jerky nod and Eddie’s hand lands on the side of his face, brushing his thumb over his cheek and wiping away the tear that has already fallen as Eddie pitches forward, burying his face in the crook of Buck’s neck and holding onto him for dear life. His tears wet the skin of Buck’s neck, but he couldn’t care less as he grips Eddie’s hand back like a vice. 

He tries to speak again, to ask for something to drink, but only lets out another croak. Eddie jerks back instantly. “Water,” he says, nodding. “Water, water, yeah of course.” Something bursts in Buck’s chest at Eddie’s immediate understanding of what Buck needs. The hand leaves his face but he can’t mourn the loss, because Eddie grabs a cup and brings it to Buck’s lips and the water trickles into his mouth and down his parched throat and Buck lurches forward, forcing Eddie to tilt the cup forward and let him drink it all in one go.

When the cup is drained, Eddie pulls it away and then simply waits, his eyes searching Buck’s face. Buck breathes for a moment, then lets the corner of his mouth turn up. 

“Hey,” he says. His voice is hoarse from unuse, but Eddie looks at him like it’s the most beautiful sound he’s ever heard. 

“Hey,” he chokes out around his tears. “Th-the others will wanna know-”

“In a minute,” Buck cuts in. “Just…” he brushes his thumb over Eddie’s knuckles and tilts his head back, staring at the ceiling. “In a minute…” 

“I didn’t know if I’d ever see your eyes again,” Eddie says after a beat. “It sounds strange but-”

“It doesn’t,” Buck promises, looking at Eddie again, feeling his lips form a wide smile. “Not to me.”

Eddie just swallows hard and nods, shifting to clasp Buck’s hand between his.

“I heard you,” Buck tells him. “Not- not all the time, I don’t think. But… I heard you.”

Tears threaten to spill past Eddie’s lashes. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he breathes. “You- you had something to tell me? Once I was awake, you said.”

A look of surprise crosses Eddie’s face and he blinks once, twice. Then he opens his mouth and-

The door opens. A tall man in a white coat steps inside as Eddie turns to look. The man spots Buck and his eyes widen in surprise. 

“He’s awake.” That’s the third voice Buck heard, the doctor. He steps forward in three swift steps, holding out his hand. “Hello, Mr. Buckley, I’m Doctor-”

“Buck is fine,” Buck interrupts, smiling but making no move to let go of Eddie’s hand and shake the man’s. 

Buck is fine. The words echo in his ears and he feels his brows draw together. Buck is fine. And then it all comes rushing back. The call, the test results, the crash. Doctor Offley telling him any children he has may be at risk for leukemia. The icy, electric realization that the one life he was brought into this world to save is also the very reason he cannot ever bring another life into it. 

A shock runs through Buck and whatever the doctor is saying now is lost to him as his ears start ringing and the world starts spinning. He can’t do this, he can’t- he- he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to recover from this, why he should recover from this-

“Buck,” Edide’s voice cuts through the panic, his hands squeezing Buck’s tightly. “Buck what’s going on?”

“I- I can’t-” He can’t breathe.

Distantly, he hears Eddie say. “Doctor, could you…?” And then, “Okay, Buck it’s just you and me. Breathe, c’mon, breathe with me, bud. Deep breaths, okay? In… out… in…” he continues for several breaths until Buck feels somewhat more grounded and looks at Eddie again. 

“Sorry,” he stammers out. “I- I’m sorry.” 

Eddie shakes his head, shushing him. “Nothing to apologize for, Evan. You can let yourself not be okay for a while. You- you almost died.” His voice cracks. “You could have died.”

Buck lets out a soft, dry snort, dropping his head back. “Yeah. What a shame that would’ve been.”

Eddie doesn’t even know how to reply to that. The words stick in his throat, held back by the sudden, icy fear clawing up his neck. He’s known something’s been wrong with Buck for a while. But maybe- maybe it’s way worse than what Eddie ever imagined. 

“Wh- what- how could you even say that, Buck?”

Tears well in Buck’s eyes, making his vision swim as he stares straight ahead at the ceiling. “I’m broken, Eddie. They should- I should fuckin’ donate my body to science so they can figure out what made me defective. Cause there- there’s something broken in me. It’s- it’s why I couldn’t save Daniel. Why any child I have will suffer the same fate he did.” 

“Buck, what are you talking about?” Eddie begs, lost beyond belief. Buck lets out a long sigh. This definitely isn't how he planned on telling him.

“I agreed to be a sperm donor,” he says. “For my friend, Conner, and his wife. They- they want to have a kid and they can’t so- so they asked me and I- I agreed.” The tears spill over, dripping down his face. 

“Buck,” Eddie breathes, and he sounds so sad it shatters something deep in Buck’s chest. His breath hitches with a barely contained sob. “Why? Why would you- why would you agree to that? You could never be-”

“A father,” Buck finishes. Eddie shakes his head. 

“A father who walks away. A parent who doesn’t know his child.” Of course Eddie cuts right to the core of it in less than a minute, slices Buck open and reveals the very thing that has been tormenting him since he said yes. 

“It’s the only chance I was gonna get,” Buck whispers, too tired to even try and lie. 

“Buck, what do you even- how can you think that?”

“Because it’s true.”

Eddie just shakes his head. He’ll deal with that in a minute. But for now… “Why wouldn’t you tell me? You’ve been struggling with this for- who knows how long-”

“Almost three weeks before the accident,” Buck offers. 

“Why wouldn’t you tell me?” 

Buck hesitates for a long moment, but the answer comes out of its own volition. “I didn’t… I couldn’t handle disappointing you.”

“Buck,” Eddie whispers, and he sounds absolutely heartbroken by Buck’s confession. Buck forces himself to look at him, at the tears turning Eddie’s eyes into shining crystals. “Sweetheart, you could never disappoint me, okay? If you- if you really wanted this, I’d have supported it.” Even as the term of endearment causes a burst of warmth in his chest, Buck’s gaze flicks away and Eddie frowns slightly. “That wasn’t the problem, was it?” He can’t answer. “You were afraid I would see how much this is breaking you, that I would help you not do it.”

“I had to,” Buck chokes out. “I had to do it.”

“Because it’s your only chance to have a child?”

Buck nods.

“Bullshit.” It comes out a growl, tinged with anger. “Bull shit, Buck. For the love of- you already have a child, Evan.” Buck’s eyes snap to him, his expression struggling between shock, confusion, and hope. Eddie sets his hand back on the side of Buck’s face. He lets out a teary laugh, shaking his head and looking at Buck with pure adoration in his eyes. “What the fuck did you think my making you Chris’s legal guardian was?”

Buck just stares at him for several breaths until he realizes Eddie expects an actual answer. “That I’m- that I’m a backup?” he offers weakly. Eddie just shakes his head again, tears dripping down his cheeks even as a wide smile splits his face. 

“You’re an idiot, sometimes.” Buck blinks, taken aback. “Evan Buckley, you have been a second father to that kid since the very moment you met him. Even you can’t possibly have missed that.”

“I thought- I just thought-”

“He tells people at school he has two dads, Buck. He has since we built him that skateboard and he went into class the next day and proclaimed that ‘his dads made him a skateboard’ and I got a very confused call from a very frazzled Ana.” And Buck’s crying, but he can’t help but laugh at the image. “You’re his dad, Buck.”

“But you-”

“Yeah, I’m his father. I’m all he had for a while. We were doing alright. But there was always… there was always something missing.” His fingers card through the hair on the side of Buck’s head. “You. You were missing. You came barrelling into our lives and you filled the hole we had been convincing ourselves didn’t exist. It was you, Buck. You make our family whole. You’re everything we ever needed, everything I ever wanted.”

Buck starts. “Everything- everything you wanted?”

Eddie grins. “Ask me what I had to tell you.”

“Eddie, what-”

“Ask me.” 

Buck takes in a shaky breath, neither of them breaking their locked gaze. “What were you gonna tell me when I woke up, Eddie?”

“That I am completely and madly and foolishly and embarrassingly and entirely head over heels in love with you, Evan Buckley.” 

The breath catches in Buck’s throat and there are tears welling in his eyes again and this doesn’t even feel real. He lets out a short, disbelieving, shocked laugh. “You love me?” It comes out as a whisper, as if he fears if he were any louder, it would shatter the spell. 

“Wholly and completely, Buck.” Buck just stares at him, face breaking into a wide grin. “You got a response or…?”

“I think you should kiss me,” Buck says. “I think you should kiss me right now.”

And, well, Eddie really didn’t need to be told the second time. He’s gentle, careful, cradling Buck’s jaw in his hand and kissing him slowly, softly. He’s mindful of Buck’s bruises even as their fingers twist together and his fingertips press into Buck’s jaw, tilting his head to get just the right angle and it’s so fucking perfect Buck could cry. It’s everything he’s ever wanted and more. If only he’d known…

Eddie pulls back after what feels like an eternity, searching Buck’s eyes. “What are you thinking right now?”

“That if I knew getting hit by a car was all it took to get you to kiss me, I’d have done that years ago,” Buck replies. Eddie lets out a soft laugh, shaking his head as Buck grins. Buck takes his free hand and tilts Eddie’s face back towards his, fingertips under his jaw. “And that I love you more than I thought was humanly possible. That our family is everything I’ve ever wanted and more, that it was something I didn’t think I’d ever get.”

Eddie leans forward, resting his forehead against Buck’s. His lips brush Buck’s nose. “I think you’ve had it a lot longer than you know.”

“I think you’re right,” Buck breathes. “And all it took  to realize that was a week-long coma.”

[spotsandsocks]

Everything But (temptation)

4.7k teen

I’ve finally finished it! The temptation 5+1 fic that was my original idea for @putijeansdiaz-ronordmann reverse prompt challenge before I went in another direction but here’s this one too. Thank you to everyone who left encouraging tags when I shared snippets. Hope you like it. 💕💜💕

Read on Ao3

It’s an undeniable fact that Eddie’s couch is so much more comfortable than Buck’s but while he has been known to take the odd nap on it, at his age trying to get a full night’s sleep there leads to stiff limbs and an aching back the next day. Which is why Buck is getting ready to put his shoes on and leave even though he’d much rather be staying here with Eddie.

Apparently Eddie would rather he stay too, he’s been trying to persuade him to change his mind for the last half hour and he’s doing his best to resist as Eddie makes one last attempt to persuade him to stay.

“Don’t go, it’s late and you're tired.” Eddie sounds concerned. Buck’s not actually looking at him but he’d bet a week’s pay that Eddie’s standing there with his arms folded frowning at him.

Occupied with searching for his shoes he reluctantly declines the offer, “My back will hurt and then you’ll complain all day tomorrow that I’m grumpy. Ahah found it!”

He’s located one shoe and glances up at his friend, pleased to see he’d win his own bet. The search for the second shoe starts with limited success. Eddie’s offer is tempting, he is quite tired. Maybe he should actually stay. Then Eddie makes his mind up.

“If it’s just the couch being lumpy, I don’t mind sharing the bed.”

It’s a good job his head is hidden under the table still looking for his shoe. As it is he bumps his head on the way out, slightly distracted by the offer.

“What?” He blinks up at Eddie before diving back under the table.

“We can share, done it before.” Eddie's tone couldn’t be more casual if he tried. 

Buck can’t say his thoughts on sharing a bed with Eddie are anywhere close to casual. However he keeps that little fact to himself, especially if you consider the facts of the matter are of an incriminating and friendship ending nature and go something along the lines of ‘yeah but not for years and not since I realised how I felt about you.’

He has to respond with something so he pretends to look for his shoe under the chair and mutters, 

“You don’t have to do that.” 

Eddie’s follow up really doesn't help matters, “I don’t mind. You’re welcome in my bed anytime Buck.”

Face hidden Buck closes his eyes briefly. Eddie doesn’t know how that sounds and he definitely doesn’t mean it like that , he doesn’t. He couldn’t, but the offer appeals far too much to Buck, it pulls at something he’s been desperately trying to ignore; the desire to belong to Eddie in every way possible. He wants it so much, would it be so bad to say yes, to take what Eddie’s offering even if it’s only adjacent to what he truly wants.

He tries hard not to imagine what it might be like to lie next to him in any capacity, to wake up here in the morning. He wouldn’t mind it being platonic, he really wouldn’t. It would just be nice. Nice to stay, nice to belong, to wake up to Eddie’s smile and Chris grumpy at breakfast because he’s still tired. To wake up as part of a family. He could stay, Eddie said. Eddie asked.

No. He may make some dumb choices but he’s not actually stupid. He has to be strong, if he gives into this temptation what’s next. A disaster that’s what.

He finally finds the missing shoe behind the couch which means it’s time to go.  

Buck stands and waves it triumphantly with the best smile he can manage. 

“Thanks for the offer Eds, but I’m going to go.” 

Eddie sighs and nods once “If that’s what you want.”

It’s not, but he leaves anyway.

Hospital waiting rooms suck. Totally and completely suck. Buck would much much rather be the one in a hospital bed than out here. Useless, pacing, waiting.

He hates it, this feeling, the worry gnaws at his stomach, his chest hurts. He can’t sit still. He’s aware he must be annoying the others. He’s up, down, pacing. Asking the same questions again and again.

Why hasn’t anyone come to update them? Why? They shouldn’t have to wait like this, they’re family. Don’t they know that?

Chimney’s patience cracks first. “Buck! I know you’re worried, we all are but please man sit down!”

He freezes then Chimney sighs, his eyes sliding shut, “Sorry. Sorry, carry on, I know it helps.” Then Chimney’s on his feet too, “I’m gonna go for a walk, call me if we get an update.” He walks past clasping Buck’s shoulder on the way past with a grim smile and a nod that Buck returns. 

“Buck,” his name sounds so different on Eddie’s lips than it had on Chimney’s. “Come here.”

Eddie jerks his head indicating Buck should join him, which he does, sitting down next to him on an uncomfortable waiting room chair. Eddie turns, twisting his whole body towards him. Buck can’t take the look on his face, he tries to avoid his eyes but Eddie ducks his head and captures them anyway. He has no choice but to look and listen.

“Bobby’s going to be ok.’ 

Buck’s eyes close as he shakes his head, he can’t take Eddie’s soft comfort right now. He can’t let himself hope in case it gets crushed along with his heart. His head shakes more vehemently as he denies himself what Eddie’s offering him. 

“We don’t know that.”

“No, we don’t.” Eddie agrees gently.

No more words follow that statement, Buck knows exactly what he’s doing. A warm hand settles on his knee. The warmth spreads, slowly unlocking the coldness that’s settled in his gut. Eddie’s voice and touch combine to break through his fear. 

Buck breathes deeply for a few more seconds. He focuses on the hand; each individual fingertip, the firm but gentle pressure of his palm, he likes the warmth, the strength of it, he lets it ground him and then when he’s ready he opens his eyes. Eddie’s waiting patiently, already looking at him and now Buck can accept what he sees there, the support and understanding Eddie always gives him.

Eddie’s hand squeezes, it’s gentle but firm, it matches his words, “I know you’re worried but we got here quick, Bobby’s strong and he’s in good hands. I really do think it’s going to be ok.” 

He wants to believe but he’s scared and he’s tired, his head thunks back against the wall. Part of his brain, the bit that worries, the part that always expects the worst shouts loudly but ultimately it’s no match for Eddie, for his quiet confidence and faith.  For the hand on his knee, the shoulder that bumps into his and stays there, another warm, solid point of contact between them. Buck looks at Eddie and finally lets himself start to believe things might be ok. 

He’s very aware of how close they are, he wishes he could let his head fall down and rest on his shoulder, just for a moment, or have Eddie’s arm curl round him and pull him closer. He resists the temptation to collapse into him, just slumps down in his chair instead  but his eyes fall on Eddie’s hand. He’s moved it back to rest on the arm of the waiting room chair between them

It’s as tempting as his shoulder was, Buck’s hand moves before he has time to control the impulse but he catches it in time and pulls back, hand fisted tight. He’s already taken too much comfort from Eddie tonight, he has to resist the temptation to take more, if he tries to take too much Eddie will notice. 

It’s fine, Eddie’s hand is just another temptation to resist, it’s nothing new. A sigh escapes him and this time it has an echo. 

“Buck, just…” It’s almost too quiet to hear, a little tired with something else wrapped around it that he can’t quite name, maybe it’s sadness, then Eddie’s hand is covering his and fingers slip between his own and squeeze. It’s exactly what he wanted. He squeezes back and doesn’t let go.

Maybe he doesn’t have to resist all the temptations today. 

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