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lost-in-prose · 2 years

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What is CPTSD?

This is going to be a long haul, okay? I will break this into sections so that it isn't so much to take in at once. When you see (☆☆☆☆) it means there is a break in information, and you can step away if need be, without getting lost.

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING: READ AT OWN DECRETION⚠️

!!This should in no way be used as a diagnosis!!

Where It All Begins:

People diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD or CPTSD) are often victims of prolonged childhood trauma that questions their sense of security and of self (Davis, 2019), usually spanning months if not years. This could be a result of emotional, physical, or mental abuse; sexual abuse; domestic violence; growing up in a war zone or being held captive; or human trafficking; among others. This trauma stops the part of your brain that regulates emotion, the amygdala, from growing as it should, stunting its growth at only 80% of its true size (Garrett, 2019). The growth of the children's brain is also damaged because the child's neurological and psychological development, leaving the function of their brain permanently damaged for the rest of their life. Because of this it is considered a Developmental Trauma Disorder, or DTD, because the effects aren't usually seen until later in life, after the child can escape the traumatic situation. Often, children that have experienced these traumas can be classified as ACEs, or as experiencing Adverse Childhood Experiences.

CPTSD is not acknowledged in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Five (DSM-V or DSM-5), but rather grouped together with standard Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Because of this error, Complex PTSD isn't accepted as its own stand-alone disorder and most do not get diagnosed with it unless psychologists/psychiatrists accept it as its own disorder (Davis, 2019). This, however, can be very detrimental to those who actually have the disorder, since the symptoms of CPTSD are much more severe than those of PTSD (Garret, 2019).

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Physical Symptoms of CPTSD:

Some of these are symptoms I personally have and others are ones I have read about/researched:

Shrinkage of amygdala

Risk of developing immune issues, diabetes, and heart diseases in the future

Increased heart rate

Increased levels of adrenaline which causes shaking and high blood pressure

Headaches and/or migraines

Talking way too fast

Loosing large chunks of time throughout the day for no reason

Chronic fatigue

Sleeping with hands on/around your neck or touching your neck excessively

Insomnia

Slower reaction time

Heart arrhythmias

Raise in body temperature

Worsening of PMS symptoms

No energy

Overreactive nerves

Hyper senses

Auditory processing problems

Emotional/Mental Symptoms of CPTSD:

Some of these are symptoms I personally have and others are ones I have read about/researched:

Compartmentalizing way too well

Wonder if you manipulate people to love you/feeling like you are genuinely unlovable

Feeling unreal

Too good at adjusting to new circumstances/can make a home in the worst situations and have no problem with it

The irrational side and rational side of yourself constantly fighting (knowing you are freaking out over nothing but being unable to stop it)

Hypersensitivity

Unexplainable feeling of doom/dying early

A. Lot. Of. Anger. And. Barely. Contained. Rage.

Good in a crisis, only to fall apart later and/or over little things

A delayed grief process (mostly due to being unable to regulate your emotions well)

Basic inability to control emotions (aka light switch emotions)

Extremely violent intrusive thoughts

Somatic/emotional flashbacks (unlike PTSD, there is not a visual component to these flashbacks)

Imagining yourself in horrible situations where you get all the sympathy (side effect of not being loved enough as a child)

Extreme attachment issues on both sides of the spectrum (isolation and clinging)

Feels like no one knows you truly/don't trust anyone/can't tell people how they feel

Think is only extremes

Triggers

Manic/depressive episodes

Obsessive need for revenge

Hypo/Hyper sexualizing yourself

Mistaking hypervigilance for being an empath

Associating unrelated things to trauma

Little to no memory of childhood/time before trauma

ADD/ADHD

Other mental illnesses including depression, anxiety, maladaptive daydreaming, age regression, suicidal thoughts, borderline personality disorder, dissociative disorders, somatization disorder, etc.

Loss of hope/inability to feel hope

Easily over-stimulated

Chronic nightmares/night terrors

Warped sense of self

Hyperarousal (easily startled)

Downplaying everything

Feeling like you are never enough for others/constantly trying to prove that you are (aka overcompensating)

Panic attacks/anxiety attacks

Miscellaneous:

Some of these are symptoms I personally have and others are ones I have read about/researched:

Problems with religious beliefs/faith

Feeling as if there is a gaping hole physically in the center of your chest, often agonizing

Often imagines a little child hiding within your skin/beside you watching at all times

Very good with/kind to/understanding of children and strangers

Imagining scenarios at night to calm yourself enough to fall asleep

No tight clothes

Things can't touch your neck

People can't stand behind you

Rewatching/rereading movies/TV shows/books repeatedly

Psychoanalyze everyone you meet

Extremely careless with own life but extremely protective over anyone else's, especially those you care for

Grew up way too fast

Looks for a hero/rescuerer/parental role to fulfill for friends

Likes sour or spicy food

Hating competition

Feeling intense jealousy over those who got help

Hating intimacy (emotional or physical)

Drawn towards hard sciences/mental sciences

Intense need to be loved but hating it/not looking for it

Hard time communicating

The profound sense that you are okay with being the villain and you may even strive to be one (and not in the cute 'I'd love to be Loki way',, but rather completely fine with betraying/hurting/killing others)

Sitting on the floor of your shower because you can't even imagine standing up

Having a problem with authority, either by hating it and acting out or being terrified of it

Addictive personality

Never let yourself stop moving long enough to be in your own head/too scared to allow yourself to think

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Healing from CPTSD:

You cannot escape flashbacks until you deal with your trauma head on. I will tell you right now I have been healing from mine for 3 years and I'm not even halfway done. Just be patient. You have to rewire your entire brain all over again. It's going to be hard because those with CPTSD have no 'model' for what it's like (Garrett, 2019), but you've got this. I believe it you <3

Participate in self care

Heal your inner child (I do this by doing thing I never did as a child. I jump on my bed. I have dance parties alone in my room. I sneak snacks at midnight. I run with my arms wide and wave them like airplane wings. Whatever your healing looks like, do it)

Trauma-informed therapy

Behavioral therapy

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Resources For You:

SAMHSA's National Helpline: 1-800-662-4537

NAMI Helpline: 1-800-950-6264

NIMH Helpline: 866-615-6464

Mental Health America Hotline: text MHA to 741741

Crisis Text Line: text CONNECT to 741741

National Suicide Hotline: 988

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Works Cited:

https://cptsdfoundation.org/2019/09/03/what-is-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-cptsd/

https://www.psychalive.org/injured-not-broken-why-its-so-hard-to-know-you-have-cptsd/

https://themighty.com/topic/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/habits-living-with-complex-ptsd

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Quizzes:

THESE ARE NOT DIAGNOSTIC TESTS. DO NOT TAKE THE RESULTS OF THESE QUIZZES AS A SURE-SIGN THAT YOU HAVE CPTSD

Mind Diagnosis

D'Amore Mental Health

Main post can be found here.

#complex ptsd #cptsdsupport #cptsd tag #cptsd recovery #childhood trauma #inner child #healing #trauma recovery #generational trauma #trauma #mental illness #mental support #mental disorder #ptsd #complex post traumatic stress disorder

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sovonight · 4 years

Text

(sith exile au)

recruit

potential

approval

rejection

truth (end)

✧ — ✧

His wounds may have been cauterized on strike, but while blood loss won't kill him, the pain itself might.

"She escaped," the General states over his comm. His hand shaky, his breath labored, Jaq barely manages to activate it to respond.

"For now," he says. The voice that leaves him is rough, dark. "I'm going after her."

"No. You will heal," the General says, instruction beneath the observation. "Even you cannot push yourself forever."

Ignoring the burning in his lungs, he collects his breath, and tries to push himself to his feet once more. He gets as far as his knees, and his arms buckle, sending him crumpling back to the ground.

"You've attempted to stand and collapsed, haven't you?" Comes over the comm in his silence. He lets out a frustrated growl to the cold emptiness of his surroundings; his breath leaves him in another puff of fog in the dead air.

"I'm out of medpacks," he says, when his pain has abated enough for him to speak. "And I'm alone."

He'd followed the Jedi out into the wilderness, and lost her among the underbrush and still trees. Aside from the local flora, which loom menacingly over his fallen form, this corner of the planet feels dead. He doubts anyone, not even a stray creature of this place, would stumble upon him anytime soon.

"A problem for your old self, perhaps. But not for you."

"There's nothing to drain," he emphasizes. "I've reached out to look, like you've told me to."

"I know. I want you to heal," the General says.

"Heal? But I—" He's not good at it, is what he'd say, but the more accurate answer is, "I can't."

He can't so much as heal a scratch. She's told him to clear his mind—he can't, not while she's there. She's told him to focus, but apparently, he's never done it well enough. He doesn't understand the technique; it doesn't feel like the rest of the abilities she's shown him, which take advantage of the emotion set deep in his chest.

"You brought yourself here," the General begins, calmly.

He knows that if anyone else had made the move he did, they would've been called reckless—but he'd studied the situation. He'd calculated the risks. It just so happened that his luck was against him.

"You made your choice, and now you must make another. Do you want to live?"

He didn't walk away from the ruins of Malachor V only to let its death claim him here.

"Yes," Jaq says. "Show me, one more time."

He doesn't know if it's the cold, or the pain, or the utter isolation of the space he's found himself in, but as she speaks, her words sound different. Less like she's directing him and commanding him to act upon her will, and more like she is guiding him, showing him the curves of a familiar path. Perhaps this is the way she's always sounded—he'd just never bothered to notice. He closes his eyes, evens his breaths, and lets her lead him to her lesson's conclusion. His efforts should not be trained on himself as an observer, but as a force from within.

A rustling of leaves interrupts his focus. His eyes open, and his hand flies to his weapon, ready to defend himself—but what emerges from the still trees around him is none other than the General herself.

"Good work, apprentice," she says.

The sense of accomplishment that'd briefly washed over him disappears, slammed shut behind the doors of irritation.

"You were here the whole time?" Jaq asks, feeling himself grow frustrated once more. "You couldn't give me a hand?"

"I just arrived," the General says. "Calm yourself, apprentice. If I had helped you, you would've never learned to save yourself."

She draws close, and lowers herself to a kneel beside him. Jaq sits up, still wary, but distantly aware that his movements no longer burn with so much pain. Then she prods the gash in his chest.

"Ow!" Jaq cries, recoiling from her. "What was that for?!"

"Your work is acceptable," the General says, and dusts her gloved hand off on her robes, as though touching him had briefly dirtied it. "Can you stand?"

"Yes," Jaq says, still irritated with her. But he follows her lead without complaint as she sets off through the underbrush.

As they walk, his irritation fades, his head clears, and he realizes: the math here doesn't add up.

"What were you doing here?" Jaq asks, breaking the silence.

"I had business nearby," the General says. Her stride does not break, and she keeps moving without looking back.

Except she's lying, Jaq thinks. He knows all of her business, now, and none of it placed her anywhere near his mission. Watching her back as she walks, he can tell by her posture that she's cold, underdressed for the weather. Her normally neat hair lays untidy, and upon her boots, one loose buckle sways with her every step. She'd rushed out to come looking for him. For him.

He lets that sink in.

"That power," Jaq says, at length. "It was different. It calls on the light side, doesn't it?"

"The light side has its uses, particularly in aiding survival," the General says. "Using it is a necessary burden in a world where you cannot depend on anyone but yourself. To others, you can always be sacrificed."

"You can depend on me," Jaq says.

"More empty words," she says. "Didn't I tell you to leave those behind?"

But they're not empty. He'll show her they aren't.

✧ — ✧

"You look different these days," Revan says. "What's happened to you lately?"

"I just told you," Cela says, pushing her datapad into Revan's view once more. Revan simply waves it aside.

"No, not that. It wouldn't have anything to do with your apprentice, would it?" Revan puts her feet up on the table, and leans back in her seat, casual. "Even I've heard the talk around the base, you know."

"What talk?" Cela asks; she hasn't heard anything about this.

"Oh, you know. Rumors about how you spend your time together, what you're "really" teaching him." Revan pauses, then adds as though it were inconsequential, "The way he looks at you doesn't help."

"How—"

"Like a lost puppy who's chosen his master," Revan says, having known Cela would ask before Cela knew it herself. "Like he'd follow you anywhere. What happened?"

Nothing, Cela thinks—except perhaps for Korriban. The conviction she had felt from him had been a promise, and it had delivered. Jaq has since dedicated himself to his training, to a degree beyond her initial expectations, and lately, when she instructs him, she feels sometimes that they are... in sync.

"We came to an understanding," Cela says.

Revan nods, as though done with her questioning. Then, "So you don't kiss?"

Cela's caught so off guard that she drops her datapad. "No!"

"Just making sure," Revan says. "I approved an apprentice, not a boyfriend."

Cela could be anywhere else right now, very pointedly not discussing this. Revan's last words seem like a valid stopping point, so Cela picks her datapad back up and makes to leave. Revan stops her just before she reaches the door.

"Oh, just one more thing," Revan says. "You've been looking paler, lately. Your apprentice not feeding you enough?"

Cela has to pause—she can never anticipate how readily Revan switches tracks.

"Don't call it that," Cela says first, then, "I'm no longer asking him to. I want him to focus on his training."

"Well, keep an eye on yourself, Pace," Revan says, light and friendly. "Wouldn't want you to collapse on me."

✧ — ✧

Cela wishes she'd never heard what the "talk around the base" has to say about her. More than once, today, she's had to forcibly clear her mind.

"Something wrong?" Jaq asks.

"Nothing," Cela says. But Jaq knows when she’s lying, these days, and persists.

"Come on. Is it something I did? You haven't looked at me all day."

Yes, ever since Revan's simple question had cursed her, she hasn't been able to look Jaq in the eye. Even now, when she is forced to face him, she averts her gaze.

Jaq gives a low chuckle.

"I get it," he says. "It's my face, isn't it? I look like I haven't slept in weeks. I knew this would happen, but… I guess I wasn't really prepared for it."

"It's not your face."

"You don't have to go easy on me," Jaq says. "I don't blame you for wanting to preserve the memory of what I looked like; I would. It's just going to get worse from here on, isn't it?"

At this, Cela raises her gaze, and realizes that Jaq's been holding himself with his head slightly bowed. It's enough to pull her from the lingering storm of her thoughts.

"It is not going to "get worse,"" Cela says, stepping forward to meet him. Her initiative makes her feel like her usual self again—back in control. "This is a marker of your growing power."

Jaq raises his eyes to hers, unconvinced, then shocked when she takes his face in her hands.

"I do not need to preserve the image of who you were before," Cela says. "All I want to see is who you are now."

She gazes upon him then, to emphasize her point, only to find her breath caught. She's committed to memory every expression she’s seen him wear, but the look he's giving her now is none of them. His eyes are dark and focused upon hers, and his lips…

"I… hadn't looked at it that way," Jaq says, low. "I think the same of you, though. I want to see you as you are."

Those visions are back again—the version of events where she leans in, making the rumors true. Pulling away, she releases herself from his presence.

“Do as you will,” Cela says. “...Apprentice.”

His hands, which had risen as if he'd been about to hold her, quickly return to his pockets.

“Back to being so formal?”

“Until I find your name deserving again.”

"Then yours," Jaq says. "Am I allowed to use it?"

A month ago, she would have shut him down. A month ago, she wouldn't have considered it. Even now, she should refuse, but…

"Yes," she says. "When it is only us, alone."

#sith exile au #pigeon meme but w me pointing to this fic and saying ''is this a [taking time to build their relationship]??''#sovo writes

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dramioneficrecommendations · 5 years

Note

Hiii I accidentally jumped in dramione fandom, and I'm looking for good stuff for this weekend. Could pls tell me your 5 (or more)favorite dramione fics ever? Thanks!

I hope you like it here and stay with us… forever. LOL (Honestly, we have the best fics and authors in the entire HP fandom.)

Here are some of my all-time favourite Dramione fics (you can also check out my fic rec tag):

Revert by SUPRNTRAL LVR: Six months post-war, Malfoy is in serious trouble. He’s on the run from the Ministry, Death Eaters, and a deadly curse which is eating him alive. When he hits rock bottom, a change in fortune lands him in 12 Grimmauld Place under the Ministry’s custody - and forces Hermione to remember the secrets they’ve both kept for years. Dramione, Sick!Draco, flashbacks to Hogwarts, hurt. Rated: M - Chapters: 24 - Words: 260,266

Manacled by SenLinYu: Harry Potter is dead. In the aftermath of the war, in order to strengthen the might of the magical world, Voldemort enacts a repopulation effort. Hermione Granger has an Order secret locked away in her mind. She is sent as an enslaved surrogate to the High Reeve, to be bred and monitored until it can be accessed. COMPLETE. Rated: M - Chapters: 77 - Words: 384,000

Isolation by Bex-chan: He can’t leave the room. Her room. And it’s all the Order’s fault. Confined to a small space with only the Mudblood for company, something’s going to give. Maybe his sanity. Maybe not. “There,” she spat. “Now your Blood’s filthy too!” DM/HG. PostHBP. Now complete with epilogue. Rated: M - Chapters: 49 - Words: 284,050

Five Days by RavieSnake: No one knows that they are missing. No one knows where they are. No one knows that they are trapped. No one knows that they are dying. Dramione. WINNER for Best Drama/Angst and Best Tragedy in the Winter 2017 Dramione Fanfiction Awards! Rated: M - Chapters: 14 - Words: 32,001

Aurelian by BittyBlueEyes: Two years after the war, a young stranger pays a visit to the burrow. His arrival alone is baffling, but the news he brings of an upcoming war turns the world upside down. Hermione’s quiet, post-war life will never be the same. Rated: T - Chapters: 43 - Words: 270,571

The Politician’s Wife by pir8fancier: Hermione hates Draco in the springtime, Hermione hates Draco in the fall, Hermione hates Draco 247. Rated: M - Chapters: 14 - Words: 68,629

The Revenant by atalanta84: Sometimes fate brings us far from home, and sometimes it brings us back again. When a friend’s mysterious death causes Draco Malfoy to return to Britain, he is finally forced to face his past, and the love he left behind. A story about second chances. Rated: M - Chapters: 10 - Words: 67,866

The Fool, the Emperor, and the Hanged Man by ianthewaiting: Ten years after the fall of the Dark Lord, Hermione Granger leads of life of self-imposed obscurity, that is, until the day Headmistress Minerva McGonagall is murdered and a certain ‘hero’ is responsible. DM/HG, written originally in 2007-2008, and finally making its debut here! AU, DH-EWE, non-canon elements, time travel, character death, etc. Rated: M - Chapters: 28 - Words: 229,334

The Dragon’s Bride by Rizzle: 7th year. Draco & Hermione awaken in a Muggle hotel room, naked, hung-over and tattooed. They also happen to be married. Thus begin a desperate search for a solution to their sticky situation. Rated: M - Chapters: 61 - Words: 225,164

The Eagle’s Nest by HeartOfAspen: COMPLETE: Hermione’s eighth year at Hogwarts is already going to be difficult in the aftermath of the war, but it is further thrown into upheaval when Headmistress McGonagall orders a re-sorting of all students to promote inter-house unity. But when the Sorting Hat sends Hermione to Ravenclaw with Draco - and without Harry or Ron, how will she cope? [AU/Dramione] Prevalent alchemy. Rated: M - Chapters: 70 - Words: 306,322

Thirteenth Night by Nelpher: When Hermione is assigned to keep tabs on a memory-charmed Draco, she is faced with a decision that could change her life forever. Rated: M - Words: 77,997 Chapters: 23

Ordinary People by inadaze22: “Let me be clear about something tonight, Granger. You’re the only woman I’ve ever wanted. It’s always been you.” Draco steps in the fireplace, drops the Floo powder, and disappears in a burst of green flames. Rated: M - Chapters: 18 - Words: 133,759

This, Too, Is Sacred by HeartOfAspen: COMPLETE: An ancient power has required generations of purebloods to pledge their lives to the blood pact. Draco has long known he was born to uphold this tradition… but Hermione’s parents have secrets, hidden details about her heritage, and soon it will be her turn to cast in with fate. [Dramione AU] Fantastic cover art by Witches-Britches. Rated: M - Chapters: 23 - Words: 90,994

Gravity by luckei1: It’s about arranging stacks of books, wall colours, and jumping off a cliff. Draco/Hermione Rated: T - Chapters: 10 - Words: 87,155

Dystopia (new version) by Rizzle: Kidnapped and expecting to be abandoned to his fate, Draco Malfoy writes a personal account of recent life, love and loss after the end of the Second Wizarding War. His story encompasses two unforgivable acts, a wedding, a divorce, a kidnapping and maybe, just maybe…a rescue. Rated: M - Chapters: 15 - Words: 19,885

A Slow Cruel Descent by SenLinYu: The war grinds on and Hermione Granger is captured. Unable to crack her through interrogation without risking her mind, Voldemort conceives a cruel method of breaking her that involves Draco Malfoy. “He stared at her in disgust. She looked— broken. The fire she’d still had when she was dragged in was now extinguished. Her eyes were locked on his face like she were memorizing him.” Rated: M - Chapters: 2 - Words: 8,687 (Sequel: A Fragile Ascent)

Heavy Lies the Crown by luckei1: For seven years, Draco has carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, and just when he thinks he’ll be released, something happens that will make him seek help from the last person he could have imagined. Rated: M - Chapters: 36 - Words: 289,967

To Wear a Dragon’s Skin by creativelymundane: When Bellatrix Lestrange takes control of the wizarding world after the demise of Voldemort, the remnants of the Order keep fighting. Seven years later, Draco brings Hermione a piece of magic that might be the key to finally ending the war. Together they will destroy Bellatrix Lestrange or die trying. Violence, Implicit Rape, Sexual Situations. Rated: M - Chapters: 26 - Words: 137,484

A Pound of Flesh by PennilynNovus: One night at a strip club, Hermione is faced with someone from her past, and an opportunity too good to pass up. What starts as revenge quickly grows into something else, and she may find it to be more than she can handle. Limes, Lemons, M. Rated: NC-17 - Chapters: 33

A Wonderful Caricature of Intimacy by Countess of Abe: Draco loves his son more than anything in the world. So, when his ex-wife plans to take his son away, Draco asks the most unlikely person for help. Hermione must decide whether changing her entire life is worth helping the man she hates unconditionally. Rated: M - Chapters: 25 - Words: 136,998

Apple Pies and Other Amends by ToEatAPeach: “It’s a veritable PTSD tour. With pastries. And hand-skimmed clotted cream. And Hermione has no idea why she’s doing it, but it’s becoming very apparent that she is.” Sometimes you’re sad. Sometimes you need dessert. And sometimes, it’s a little of both. [COMPLETE, DRAMIONE] Rated: M - Chapters: 30 - Words: 80,226

Fairy Stone by Colubrina: Draco is sentenced to one year in Azkaban, release contingent upon someone willing to vouch for his good behavior. Hermione does. “Oh, I want you,” he said. “You, just you, always you. You forever and you for always and you until the bloody sun explodes.” Dramione. COMPLETE. Rated: M - Chapters: 4 - Words: 13,827

The Mountain and The Sea by Alexis.Danaan: Hermione Granger was perfectly happy with her life, her job as a Healer Trainee, her ugly cat and her cute little house in the countryside. And then Draco Malfoy had to go and mess that all up, typical git. Post-Hogwarts, EWE, OOC, creature!fic. 18 Rated: M - Chapters: 12 - Words: 43,464

Celestial Navigation by phlox: Lost, without direction, unable to find your way home? Coming soon, a new Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes Ekeltronic to guide you on your journey! *Your mileage may vary.*Rated: T - Chapters: 3 - Words: 13,640

Waiting Room by Nelpher: A series of encounters with Draco Malfoy in the waiting room at St. Mungo’s teaches Hermione about love, friendship, and the intersection thereof. Rated: T - English Words: 61,418 Chapters: 14

Voices by Kyonomiko: Hermione has long accepted she might not make it through the war alive, but after years on the battlefield, she never expected to be at the mercy of Draco Malfoy. Not untouched by his own experiences, his manic behavior leaves her living in constant fear of the unknown, suffering both affections and afflictions at his hands. Rated: M - Chapters: 3 - Words: 19,724

Friend Number Three by riptey: COMPLETE - How do you deal with the Pureblood aristocracy, Ministry corruption, Muggle culture invasions, and constant questions about your love life while juggling more than two friends and not being a total jerk? Don’t ask Draco: he doesn’t know. D/Hr Rated: T - Chapters: 26 - Words: 138,388

Seven Days In April by inadaze22: They were still the same people with the same problems on either side of a bathroom door. Rated: T - Chapters: 7 - Words: 40,097

Everything Changes by inadaze22: “Thank you for cheating on me, Ron. It’s the best thing you could’ve done. Thank you for stopping me from making the worst mistake of my life.” My first Dramione story. Rated M for strong language and sexual content. Rated: M - Chapters: 17 - Words: 76,191

Out of the Silent Planet by ianthe_waiting: Post-Hogwarts - Hermione Granger fulfills Severus Snape’s final wish, to journey to Japan to ‘retrieve’ something of importance. Set eleven years after HBP. Rated: NC-17 - Chapters: 39 - Words: 229,710

Ardent Bonds by Musyc: Maybe it was wrong to think about this, maybe it was horrible to even consider, but if Draco Malfoy liked to dominate, she couldn’t stop herself from picturing it. Picturing him. Rated: E - Words: 16,741 - Chapters: 1

Seven Times by kerriclifford240879: Seven times can mean a lifetime of change. Rated: M - Chapters: 7 - Words: 16,526

#dramione #draco x hermione #hermione x draco #Draco Malfoy #Hermione Granger #Harry Potter #harry potter fanfiction #dramioneficrecommendations #ask

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alder-reid · 3 years

Text

Part II.

Thomas.

They let him out of the room only after he was quiet for a few consecutive hours and malleable with the devastation he was soaking in.

He was led to a small room at the back of the Peacekeeper station, occupied only by two chairs and a table between them. There was a single, long fluorescent light overhead, coloring the room with a clinical, harsh white glow. He was given orders, something he was getting used to. Stay calm. Stay put. Drink this.

His attention only returned when Felix walked into the room. Alder had always respected him. Felix had every trait he envied-- even keeled, principled, certain in his decisions. Alder often wondered if he even had it in him to stay as calm as Felix did in the face of crisis, and often thought to himself he’d make a far better Games mentor than Alder could ever be. He was practical right down to his close-cropped haircut, and something about his graying hair and lines around his eyes inclined Alder to trust his experience.

Today, however, not even Felix’s usual steady presence was calming the storm raging in him. “Why aren’t we going after him?” he demanded immediately, standing so suddenly the water in his glass sloshed over the sides and onto his hands.

“Alder--”

“They took him!”

“They took several--” “So we have to get them back!”

“I know you’re ang--”

“Hell yes I’m angry!”

A terse moment of silence stretched between them, only broken by the dull thud of Alder’s heart in his ears and his quick breaths filling the space between them.

Felix then sat, slowly, gesturing for Alder to do the same. When it became evident Alder wouldn’t do that, he continued with a sigh.

“I’m sorry about what happened to Maverick. We all are. We have every reason to believe that he’s alive, but it’s because he has information and they can keep him hostage. For you. It’s to walk you into a trap.” Felix sternly peered over his nose at him.

Alder stared back, mouth open to rebuke this, but he was right, wasn’t he? Suddenly, he felt stupid. He was reacting exactly how they wanted him to, and hell, he was still pissed enough about it that he wasn’t even sure he cared that he was playing into their hands.

“Great, so we can use that to our advantage. What the fuck are we going to do about it?” he snapped back finally, unsatisfied with Felix’s sympathies and logic.

“Sit,” Felix insisted again.

“I’m not going to fucking--”

“-- Please sit, and we’ll talk.”

With a huff, Alder dropped down into the chair to appease him. Only because he prioritized knowing how they were getting Maverick back more than proving a point by standing.

“Like I said, he was certainly taken alive. Someone like Maverick they’d be far too careful to let die, at least not in such a… pedestrian way.”

Alders stomach clenched into tight knots, knowing fully the preferred method for that avenue would be public execution. He had to close his eyes for a moment at the roll of nausea accompanying an intrusive vision of Maverick on the steps of the Tower, just like last summer.

“But,” Felix said, trying to catch Alder’s gaze again. “But it means we have time. It means that we can continue with our mission, and doubtless he’s in the Capitol as we move through the plans here. We have intel on where high profile rebels are being held. His best chance is our success here, in Two, in the next days and weeks.”

Alder blinked in disbelief. “You’re suggesting we leave him there,” he realized in horror, eyes wide. “You’re suggesting we let them all stay there.”

“Yes,” he replied patiently, though with no joy. “I am. Anything else is suicide. To us and to the cause. We’re so close.”

“How can you can fucking live with this?” Alder spat back. “They’ll torture them. Kill some of them. You know that.”

Felix’s expression fell almost imperceptibly, just enough for a glimmer of sadness to glint behind his eyes before returning to normal. “We have all made sacrifices. I’m sorry. Maverick knew this was a possibility when he joined, just as you did. You need to accept that we can’t help him. He wouldn’t want you to.”

“You’re wrong,” Alder snarled. He stood very suddenly, slamming the glass down on the table beside him. It landed on its edge, tipping and spilling its contents before tumbling to the ground and shattering at their feet. Cold water soaked into his shoes. “You don’t know a single fucking thing about Maverick, and you’re wrong.”

“Maybe. However, I’m the commander, so it’s my decision, and my risk to assume” said Felix, unperturbed. “It’s not a bloodless process. But this is how we win. This is how we end all of this. This is how you get justice for what happened to your family, for what happened to you, Alder.”

The evenness in his voice, his cool logic only grated more at Alder’s nerves. He wanted Felix to scream back at him, give him the fight he wanted. “Fuck you. Whatever,” he muttered, tearing open the door and storming down the hallway, leaving Felix alone with a shattered glass and wet tile floor.

***

Felix must have permitted his release, because from there he was allowed to freely move about the Peacekeeper station with the rest of the rebels. Maybe he thought some routine would soothe him. Maybe he thought if he socialized, he might feel better. Maybe the idea was that limiting his privileges would only piss him off more.

Whatever the reasoning, when they rationed dinner in what looked like a staff kitchen, he took a spot alone in the corner of the room.

Without Maverick there, he felt like a ghost. All he could think about was where he was now, what they might be doing to him. Whether he was still alive for any of that to matter at all.

There were other ghosts in the room too, picking at their meals, isolated from the conversations around them. To the rest of the group they were invisible, but to Alder it was as if they were spotlighted. Their expressions shared the pain of loss and unknown that was scooping out his insides until there was seemingly nothing left, except it dug and dug and dug for more.

Appetite something near nonexistent, he wordlessly gave his tray of food to the nearest table and left.

Thoughts of Maverick tortured, captive, hurt kept gnawing at him as he was given a bedroll and free range to claim his corner during first watch. As ridiculous as it was, he missed Trouble horribly as he lay there in the dark, trying to grapple with the fact that his worst nightmare had manifested. He had, in fact, ruined Maverick’s life too. Trouble felt like the only being in this world that might not judge him for all of the missteps that had allowed this to happen, if only for being too stupid to know. He suspected if Trouble could count his sins, he’d leave him too. He closed his eyes and tried to find sleep. His body and mind were exhausted, but the pain in his chest and the vision of Maverick on the Tower steps behind a firing squad of Peacekeepers kept him awake. When the time came for his shift for watch, he was relieved.

Ten days dragged on to the cadence of fighting, meals, watch shifts, terrible sleep. The Captiol tried to bomb out the building twice, but it did little more than shake it-- it seemed that it was fortified against that very kind of attack, and infiltration had never been considered. As the days marched on, Alder became more and more restless, itching for forward momentum. He spent his free time trying to force his mind to invent solutions, ways he could get to wherever Maverick was and break him out. They all seemed to dead end at Felix’s words: You need to accept that we can’t help him. He wouldn’t want you to.”

Strategy meetings occurred daily, continued to wander into territories he felt conflicted about. They needed to take this hospital through violent force, yes. But it was crucial to breaking a central Capitol communication network and saving their own injured. Or there might be casualties in a residential area if the timing worked out wrong, but it would separate Capitol and Thirteen forces to double their chances of success. It was a game of weakening the Capitol by cutting off the lines that fed them, clothed them, defended them one by one by one, and in Two it was more important than anywhere else, meaning there was less room for moral questioning. He told himself, over and over again, what Maverick had said to him on the bathroom floor when he confessed about what had happened to Olympia’s mother. We live in a bad world and you’re trying to make it better. Success wouldn’t come without some destruction and death, not when the Capitol dealt in guns and soldiers. They’d only keep killing more children in the Games if they didn’t stop them, quitting now wasn’t bloodless either.

So he tried to not question. Not hesitate. Follow commands. He helped take the streets, the hospital. He tried to not remember the terrified look in the eyes of doctors, nurses, civilians as they stared at him, wide eyed and hands high as he stepped into rooms over the bodies of the innocent. Alder wasn’t used to being looked at with so much fear, it made him want to drop the weapon and rip his mask off and scream It’s only me, it’s just me, I won’t hurt anyone, I could never.

But that wasn’t really true, was it?

He’d been summoned the morning after the hospital’s capture for another strategy talk. He’d expected it to be the routine debrief but when he entered the room it was occupied with the appointed heads of each squad rather than his peers. Immediately suspicious, he hovered in the doorway as if preparing to run, eyes flitting face to face, eventually landing on Felix. “What is this?” he asked. “A promotion.” Felix gestured to the empty seat at the table. “Join us.”

#part ii. thomas #126 #self para #ft. maverick #at-home #ah126

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hamiltonlindley · 4 years

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Building a Resilient Team

Resilience is a shield protecting us from perpetual change, persistent stress, and constant pressures—it leverages our most challenging situations towards our growth. The story of the donkey and the farmer illustrates the power of resilience.

One afternoon, a farmer’s donkey fell into a pit. The creature bellowed for hours as the farmer analyzed how to get his donkey out of the well. He decided the animal was so old that he wasn’t worth retrieving. And the pit was dangerous. So he decided to cover them both up with dirt. He would bury the donkey alive.

The farmer and his friends grabbed shovels and began to throw dirt on the donkey. When the donkey realized the farmer was burying him, he roared horribly. Then, to everyone’s surprise, the donkey calmed down. That donkey must have surrendered to his fate. They kept shoveling.

After loads of dirt down on the donkey, the farmer looked down in the well, expecting to see a layer of soil where his old donkey used to be. But instead, he saw his donkey on top of the fresh dirt. With each shovel of earth, the donkey shook it off and took a step up. Eventually, with enough dirt, the donkey stepped over the edge of the well and trotted off to safety.

Life shovels dirt on us. We can either surrender and get buried alive or shake it off and step up. Each of our struggles is an opportunity. That obstacle may be the way out of your pit of despair. When life shovels dirt on you, or something stinkier, shake it off and take a step up. You can get out of the deepest wells by not giving up.

What does a resilient team look like?

Researchers at Harvard Business School have identified four main elements of resilient teams.

Humility: Can your team ask for and accept help from other team members? Resilient teams admit when a problem is unmanageable and ask for help. They do not conceal their failures but lean into the team for finding solutions.

Resourcefulness: When confronted with difficulties, does your team develop practical and creative answers? Resilient teams bounce from setbacks. They remain focused on outcomes no matter the external conditions.

Candor: Does your team honestly share feedback? Resilient groups vocalize truth to teammates, collectively identifying and solving challenges they face together.

Empathy: Does your team authentically care for teammates in both failure and success? Resilience is a devotion to elevating the team instead of seeking personal recognition. Talk with your employees frequently and actively listen. Help them recognize triggers of stress that are affecting their work and wellbeing. Social support is vital for managing stress among groups. Empathy creates a loyal and committed team. It also teaches us to be present, improves happiness, and cultivates collaboration.

How do I build a resilient team?

Create bonding activities. Your coworkers need to know about each other’s lives outside of work. Without a bond, they will fail to rally around each other in a time of difficulty. When your team lacks a dose of social interaction from the workplace, the leader must keep them feeling that they are a vital part of something greater than themselves. In team meetings, start them off with both a professional and personal update.

Encourage your team to give positive feedback daily, play remote games, or enjoy virtual coffee breaks together. Make sure that they are taking advantage of video calls and chat applications to foster interactions. Share a funny meme daily. Ask a group question of the day to foster discussion about something other than work. People need to know they are not alone.

Encourage collaboration. A resilient team is a supportive network. Reassure your employees that they can rely on each other When an employee is faced with a difficult situation, ask her to think who on the team could help. That will build resilience in both the person seeking help and the worker providing it.

Communicate with certainty. When your team lacks information, they will begin to let anxiety take over. In uncertain times, we can become more anxious and almost obsessed with the unknown. No matter how bad the news is, don’t hide information from your team. People would rather know reality instead of being kept in the dark.

Consistently make your team members feel valued and appreciated. Promote the appreciation of the gifts that each team member brings to your group. Make sure that you compliment each individual for their specific accomplishments. Create a place that celebrates the whole person by paying attention to your workers. Did someone mention a new hobby? Ask them about it. Buy supplies for them. Remind them that you deeply value their contributions.

Reframe your employees’ insecurities

Give a positive spin to the circumstances that frustrate your workers. Help them look at change as an opportunity instead of something to fear. In the book How Great Leaders Think: The Art of Reframing, the author advocates that we should only focus on what we can control. Encourage your employee to spend her energy on concerns within her influence while letting go of things outside of her control.

To reframe our way of seeing a situation, we should ask ourselves whether there is a genuine loss or just guessing an adverse consequence? We cannot get our minds stuck on how things ought to be. Ask ourselves what we can improve for next time. What was within our control and what was not?

Perfectionism is the enemy. Trying to be perfect will erode the resilience of your team. For years, I strived for perfection to hide my shortcomings. I believed that I needed to project an ideal image to dodge criticism. But perfection is unattainable. As my desire for perfection grew, I risked explosion or collapse. It requires a tremendous amount of energy, with no energy left over for a crisis. Your team will be awash in a sea of fear if you expect perfection from them.

A perfectionist is prone to ask himself questions that are reactive and unproductive, for example, “who is at fault for us not outperforming our competition?” To avoid perfectionism as a leader, ask yourself, “What am I missing? What actions might I take?”

The opposite of a resilient team is a fearful team

Fear causes more errors. Rather than use common sense, workers attempt to read their boss’ mind. So the employees drop the ball over and over. Constant criticism has the same effect.

Resilient teams are not fearful. If your team is continuously afraid, it is not resilient. Do you fear making a mistake? A team that isn’t resilient is consistently afraid of reprimands, demotions, or firings. That isn’t an environment that fosters innovation. Fear is an awful motivator. It drives us to make irrational decisions. When we are motivated by fear, we react without thinking things through, lash out in anger, and isolate ourselves. A workplace awash in fear won’t last long. Fear focuses on the short term instead of the long term.

Resilience requires a psychologically safe workplace

To be resilient, we must understand what we cannot control. We need to remain calm to make responsible choices for things we can control. We must stay positive.

To build resilience in the workplace, teams need a psychologically safe atmosphere where the following conditions are met:

Workers trust that supervisors won’t penalize them for individual mistakes – don’t create a tattletale culture.

Employees are held accountable for their good and bad actions.

Teams uplift each individual’s strengths rather than concentrating on their weaknesses.

Workers feel respected so that they raise their hand when something could be improved or is not right.

People are accountable for the organization’s prosperity and share praise.

Teams uplift each individual’s strengths rather than concentrating on their weaknesses.

These qualities are the way a resilient workplace keeps focused on the company’s vision. Resilient teams have the mental toughness to respond to crises. With a resilient group, a catastrophe goes from a volcano to a speed bump.

Conclusion

Building resilience where fear has deep roots takes skilled effort and leadership. Organizational leaders must direct change without rigid solutions. We must master collaborative leadership to sustain our organizations in an increasingly complex, ambiguous, and volatile world.

#resilient #team #team work #business team #growing your team #building your team

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idyllicstarker · 5 years

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Their baby • Starker

Warnings: Stillborn death (death of a baby), graphic description of self harm (cutting), majpr character suicide, not a happy ending - I’m going to say graphic, although I don’t think it’s that bad just because I don’t want to end up triggering someone, and so I’m going to cover myself.

“Peter..”

The familiar voice rang out through the house - concerned and fearful, as the man called out for his husband. Rather than finding Peter’s small body curled up on the couch where he’d left him, he was met with a small dip in the material, and the fading heat of his presence left to sit alone.

Tony. Peter recognised the voice, and yet couldn’t attach himself to the gentle huskiness of it, far too detached from reality. Far too sunk in his own head to pull himself out so easily.

Legs tucked underneath him, back against the wall, he closed his eyes tight. A single stray tear began to fall silently down his pale cheeks at the pressure; lips pressed tightly together in an attempt to not cry out. His head told him to make a sound, any at all, to put the poor man out of his misery, but the dull ache in his chest stopped him.

Yet Tony didn’t need to look far, he didn’t need to ask FRIDAY which room Peter had disappeared to, as Tony knew instantly where his broken lover had gone.

He knew leaving to go to the store for even twenty minutes was a risk because he knew those twenty minutes of silence and isolation would leave Peter closing in on himself - regressing back to that numb state of feeling nothing and yet feeling everything at the same time.

But Peter had wanted ice cream.

Setting the two pints of cookie dough down on the coffee table, he climbed the stairs. As soon as he reached the door, he took a deep breath. It was slightly cracked open, the first time in weeks that the room saw any activity from the day Tony had shut and locked it. Apparently he hadn’t hidden the key very well.

Pushing it open, he stepped inside. It was exactly how he’d left it. The white bookshelf he’d hung on the wall, the newly fitted dresser in the corner, the fluffy rug under the rocke, and, of course, the crib. The crib that should be full of life, and yet had simply only been collecting dust. The only thing that had been moved, was the small iron man plushie that had been placed inside. It was now cradled to Peter’s chest. He was so small and vulnerable in the unoccupied bedroom, and if Tony’s heart wasn’t already shattered, he may well have begun to cry. He didn’t like stepping inside here either, he didn’t like seeing his husband like this, but he had to be strong, for Peter’s sake.

“Baby?”, he whispered out hoarsely, tentatively approaching Peter. He had been funny about touch lately. Some days he’d cry bloody murder if Tony came anyhwwre near him, other days he’d want nothing more than to just be helf, comforted, made to feel something other than complete sadness. Tony had thought today was a good idea - apparently he was wrong.

Peter still hadn’t replied, but he hadn’t made a move to shuffle away from the approaching man either. So Tony took it as some sort of consent to kneel down before him, worried eyes searching over his face.

“Hun you know you shouldn’t have come in here, it was only going to hurt you…”

At that, Peter’s eyes squeezed tighter shut, and more tears took their chance to fall. Tony sighed softly, placing his hands over Peter’s cold ones.It took a total of five minutes of gentle caressing to his knuckles, for Peter to release his grip on the plushie. Gently Tony took it from his hands, placing it down on the floor.

It wasn’t the first time this had happened. Peter would go silent, and wouldn’t speak. If this time was like the others, this would be the last bit of emotion Tony would see from him, for another week. Until finally Peter would break down. Trembling and sobbing in Tony’s arms, and the whole process would start again.

That’s why he no longer tried to get Peter to speak. Instead he gently lifted him into his arms, and carried him to their own bedroom. He laid Peter in bed, ice cream forgotten and left to melt, as he tucked the boy against his chest. Slow gentle hands ran through his hair, until finally Peter fell asleep. He was different from Tony in that way: Tony didn’t sleep, couldn’t remember the last time he did. And it showed. Eyes red and swollen with exhaustion, dull, any brightness or life had completely died along with his happiness. Peter, on the other hand, slept more.Although he never usually managed to explain it himself, Tony presumed it was because when he slept, he didn’t feel, and Peter didn’t want to feel anymore.

Tony had been right. The breakdown happened exactly eight days later. Eight days of caring for a completely unresponsive Peter, eight days of no conversation, or sight to the outside world. That was for two reasons. One: He was scared if he left the house, he’d have come back and lost Peter too. Two: The only person Peter wanted around him was Tony, anytime someone else tried to come in he’d lock himself away and scream if they tried to get in. Tony understood in a way, but Tony needed comfort too, and Peter was isolating him, depriving him of it (as he wasn’t fit to give it himself) and that hurt. He knew it wasn’t intentional, Peter wouldn’t deliberately want to hurt Tony like this. At least that’s what he was telling himself… but it became much harder when his breakdown did eventually come.

“Why are you doing this?”

Tony looked up from the stove where he was making soup, eyebrows furrowed together as he turned to look at the saddened, yet angry expression on Peter’s face. It almost wavered seeing how tired and older Tony looked, but remained stoic for the most part. It was the first time Peter had said anything more then ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

“Doing what sweetheart?” he asked gently, setting down the wooden spoon in order to move closer so that he could sit down and talk with Peter, but the boy let out an anguished cry causing Tony to freeze and hold his hands up to show he wouldn’t go any closer.

“You’re acting like everything’s okay, do you have no heart?”

The shaky, breathy comment came from Peter’s mouth without question. And Tony didn’t think he’d ever hated Peter, but right now, he came very close.

“Peter…”, he began slowly, trying to remain calm because if he didn’t, he would cry, and Tony had willed everything in him, to not cry, “Of course I have a heart. I’m trying to stay like this because you need me. If I was even the slightest bit emotional, you’d be dead because all I’ve done is care for you-”

“LIES! If you cared, you’d show it..”

“I can’t show it, because then we’d both be nothing-”

“I bet you didn’t even care. I bet he meant nothing to you..”

A loud bang shook the room. Tony’s palm laying flat on the table, slowly twitching and turning red from the force of it striking the table. Silence.

Peter began to whimper, but for once, Tony couldn’t hold back.

“How dare you”, he hissed, ignoring the way Peter’s bottom lip began to tremble, as he began to recite “I’m sorry’s”, but Tony refused to listen - he deserved to feel too.

“Of course I cared about him. He was my baby too Peter! Did you forget that? You selfish little boy. I was there too when Pepper was giving birth. I was there too, crying because he was silent. I held the cold lifeless body of OUR baby in my arms just like you did! I felt the death of him too, the loss of our damn baby. But I can’t even mourn him because I have to be strong otherwise you wouldn’t be alive either right now. So don’t you dare say I didn’t care!”

It had been their first fight since Pepper, their surrogate, delivered the stillborn baby. They hadn’t named him yet. Peter wanted to see what he looked like to give him a name that was fitting. It hurt too much to name him now, so he was just their baby, and yet it seemed to Peter, he was the only one that lost a part of him that day.

Tony watched as Peter’s trembling form tried to reach out to him, sobbing and crying but Tony couldn’t hold him, not right now. Instead he walked slowly from the room. He may as well just be a ghost with the lack of life in his movements.

So long of holding it in had taken a toll on Tony’s body. Peter tried, tried so hard to get in, but Tony’s walls were up, and they weren’t coming down anytime soon.

A month, two, three passed. Neither of them were better, no one expected them to be, but Tony’s words had been a wake up call for Peter. He tried harder. When May offered to go on a walk with Peter to the park, he accepted. Tony gave a weak smile, saying he was tired, and he didn’t want to join. He’d clean whilst they were gone. Neither of the two realised the mistake they were making by believing him. A gentle hug for May, and a kiss to the lips from Peter. He kept him in his arms for a good five minutes, before Peter laughed, and gently pulled away “I’ll be back soon Tony”, he reassured - Tony laughed emptily.

The moment the door clicked into place, Tony walked lifelessly to his office. Sitting down he began to write. A letter for Pepper (he wanted to apologize, after all, she delivered the baby, she was hurt too), a letter for the rest of the avengers (a thank you, for their help), a letter for Harley (he loved the kid like a son, apparently the only one he’d ever have), and a letter for Rhodey - the man that always persisted Tony took care of himself. He was sorry for not doing it this time. The last he wrote was Peter’s. It reassured him that this wasn’t his fault, but Tony couldn’t take this any longer. He loved him, and he was sorry, but he needed to be selfish this one time.

An hour was all it took. Words came easy when they were the last ones you’d ever speak. He didn’t cry, he was far too numb for that.

They’d be back soon. So taking the letters, he set them down on the coffee table, before moving to the bathroom. There wasn’t any hesitation at all. He needed to do this.

His hands didn’t shake as he made the cuts, deep slashes of pain against his skin. He didn’t blink twice at the blood that pooled down his arms. He didn’t cry out as he fell to his knees dizzily, before slowly his eyes closed.

By the time Peter and May returned, it was too late. And Peter’s howl of Tony’s name upon entering the bathroom, and seeing the man, not breathing, in a pool of his own blood, shook the silent house to its core.

#starker #starker fanfiction #tony stark #peter parker #tony stark x peter parker #ironspider #skylar writes

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mayhemplays · 4 years

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Post Traumatic Stress Disorder of Abandonment: 36 Characteristics

Posted by Admin on November 12, 2013

The intense emotional crisis of abandonment can create a trauma severe enough to leave an emotional imprint on individuals’ psychobiological functioning, affecting their future choices and responses to rejection, loss, or disconnection. Following an abandonment experience in childhood or adulthood, some people develop a sequela of post traumatic symptoms which share sufficient features with post traumatic stress disorder to be considered a subtype of this diagnostic category.

What are the symptoms of PTSD of Abandonment?

Intrusive anxiety

As with other types of post trauma, the symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder of abandonment range from mild to severe. PTSD of abandonment is a psychobiological condition in which earlier separation traumas interfere with current life. An earmark of this interference is intrusive anxiety which often manifests as a pervasive feeling of insecurity – a primary source of self sabotage in our primary relationships and in achieving long range goals. Another earmark is a tendency to compulsively reenact our abandonment scenarios through repetitive patterns, i.e., abandoholism – being attracted to the unavailable.

Diminished self-esteem

Another factor of abandonment post trauma is for victims to be plagued with diminished self esteem and heightened vulnerability within social contexts (including the workplace) which intensifies their need to buttress their flagging ego strength with defense mechanisms which can be automatically discharged and whose intention is to protect the narcissistically injured self from further rejection, criticism, or abandonment. These habituated defenses are often maladaptive to their purpose in that they can create emotional tension and jeopardize emotional connections.

Emotional Hijacking

Victims of abandonment trauma can have emotional flashbacks that flood us with feelings ranging from mild anxiety to intense panic in response to triggers that we may or may not be conscious of. Once our abandonment fear is triggered, it can lead to what Daniel Goleman calls emotional hijacking. During an emotional hijacking, the emotional brain has taken over, leaving its victims feeling a complete loss of control over their own lives, at least momentarily. If emotional hijacking occurs frequently enough, its chronic emotional excesses can lead to self-depreciation and isolation within relationships, as well as give rise to secondary conditions such as chronic depression, anxiety, obsessive thinking, negative narcissism, and addiction.

What is PTSD?

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is a so called “disease” of the amygdala – the emotional center of the brain responsible for initiating the Fight Flee Freeze response. In PTSD, the amygdala is set on overdrive to keep us in a perpetual state of hyper-vigilance — action-ready to declare a state of emergency should it perceive any threat even vaguely reminiscent of the original trauma. The amygdala, acting as the brain’s warning system, is constantly working to protect (overprotect) us from any possibility of further injury. In the post trauma sequelae related specifically to abandonment, the amygdala scans the environment for potential threats to our attachments or to our sense of self worth.

People with PTSD of abandonment can have heightened emotional responses to abandonment triggers that are often considered insignificant by others. For instance, depending on circumstances, when we feel slighted, criticized, or excluded, it can instigate an emotional hijacking and interfere in, and even jeopardize our personal or professional life.

Below, I’ll identify some of the other issues related to post traumatic stress disorder of abandonment:

36 Characteristics of PTSD of Abandonment

This list is meant to be descriptive, rather than exhaustive of the many issues related to the abandonment syndrome.

An intense fear of abandonment that interferes in forming primary relationships in adulthood.

Intrusive insecurity that interferes in your social life and goal achievement.

Anxiety with authority figures.

Tendency toward self defeating behavior patterns that sabotage your love life, goals, or career.

A tendency to repeatedly subject yourself to people or experiences that lead to another loss, another rejection, and another trauma.

Intrusive reawakening of old losses; echoes of old feelings of vulnerability and fear which interfere in current experience.

Heightened memories of traumatic separations and other events.

Conversely, partial or complete memory blocks of childhood traumas.

Low self-esteem, low sense of entitlement, performance anxiety.

Feelings of emotional detachment, i.e. feeling numb to past losses.

Conversely, difficulty letting go of the painful feelings of old rejections and losses.

Difficulty letting go, even when we know the relationship cannot meet our basic needs

Episodes of self-neglectful or self destructive behavior.

Difficulty withstanding (and overreacting to) the customary emotional ups and downs of your adult relationships.

Difficulty working through the ordinary levels of conflict and disappointment within your adult relationships.

Extreme sensitivity to perceived rejections, exclusions or criticisms.

Emotional pendulum swing between fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment; you can alternate between ‘feeling the walls close in’ if someone gets too close and feeling insecure, love starved – on a precipice of abandonment – if you are not sure of the person’s love.

Difficulty feeling the affection and other physical comforts offered by a willing partner – “keeping them out” or “pushing them away; evidence of emotional anorexia or emotional bulimia.

Tendency to ‘get turned off’ and ‘lose the connection’ by involuntarily shutting down romantically and/or sexually on a willing partner.

Conversely, tendency to feel hopelessly hooked on a partner who is emotionally distancing.

Tendency to have emotional hangovers ‘the morning after’ you have had contact with an ex or someone over whom you have felt pain.

Difficulty naming your feelings or sorting through an emotional fog.

Abandophobism – a tendency to avoid close relationships altogether to avoid risk of abandonment.

Conversely, a tendency to rush into relationships and clamp on too quickly.

Difficulty letting go because you have attached with emotional epoxy, even when you know your partner is no longer able to fulfill your needs, or even when you know your partner is not good for you.

An excessive need for control, whether it’s about the need to control the other’s behavior and thoughts, or about being excessively self-controlled; a need to have everything perfect and done your way.

Conversely, a tendency to create chaos by avoiding responsibility, procrastinating, giving up control to others, and feeling out of control.

A heightened sense of responsibility to others, rescuing, attending to people’s needs, even when they have not voiced them.

Tendency to have unrealistic expectations and heightened reactivity toward others such that it creates conflict and burns bridges to your social connections.

People-pleasing – excessive need for acceptance or approval.

Self-judgment; unrealistic expectations toward yourself.

Fear response to people’s anger, which unwittingly sets you up to being “controlled” by them.

Co-dependency issues in which you give too much of yourself to others and feel you don’t get enough back.

Tendency to act impulsively without being able to put the brakes on, even when you are aware of the negative consequences.

Tendency toward unpredictable outbursts of anger.

Conversely, tendency to under-react to anger out of fear of breaking the connection and also out of your extreme aversion to ‘not being liked’.

The impact of abandonment trauma can be mitigated by abandonment recovery – a program of therapy techniques designed to help you overcome abandonment and its aftermath of self sabotaging patterns.

Please see additional articles that help you explore whether you are on the abandonment trauma spectrum, offer practical help, explain why some people are more prone to getting post traumatic stress disorder of abandonment than others, and the Five Phases of Abandonment and Recovery which provides hands-on help for people across the abandonment spectrum—those with post trauma and those without. The workbook is helpful in guiding you through the abandonment therapy techniques step by step, teaching you self help tools for each of the five phases specific to abandonment grief and trauma.

See also:

Are you on the abandonment spectrum? Do you have symptoms of PTSD of abandonment?

What is the Abandonment Syndrome?

How Is PTSD of Abandonment Different from Borderline? (BPD)

PTSD of Abandonment: Why some people are More Prone to Developing it than Others

The Five Stages of Abandonment and Recovery

Abandonment versus Borderline: 12 Tasks for Coping with Emotional Hijacking

Fear of Abandomnent: 10 Ways to Turn it Around

Abandonment Recovery: How it Overcomes Abandonment Trauma and its Aftermath of Self Sabotaging Patterns

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Categories: Abandonment, PTSD | Tags: Abandonment, Break Up, Emotional Crisis, heartbreak, Insecurity, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, relationships, Trauma

98 comments

Penelope Glass says:

February 12, 2014 at 7:12 pm

I am 56 years old and my mother died when I was 7. I need therapy. I am not able to accept love from my partner. I can only be with him for 4 days and I feel closed in and need to be alone. I am divorced. I am going to make appointment for therapy. I am anxious constantly. I don’t know what normal is. I overreact and am very controlling. I am in relationship that I don’t want to sabotage. He understands my abandonment issues and says he is not going to abandon me. But for some reason I feel at my best when I am alone.

Admin says:

February 15, 2014 at 2:30 pm

I have sent you a personal response via e-mail, Penelope. -Lara

nick says:

April 21, 2014 at 1:27 am

I know I need help. I had physical abuse from my mother as young as 2 years old and was basically given to my Grandmother. I’m overly attached to my Grandma and I’m 35 years old. My romantic relationships seems to always follow the same bad pattern.

Admin says:

April 22, 2014 at 1:18 am

Please feel free to e-mail us at [email protected]. Happy to offer some personalized guidance via the privacy of an e-mail.

Ashlie Bowen says:

May 28, 2014 at 3:20 pm

I am 17 years old. I have episodic ataxia type 3, low blood sugar, vertigo, insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks and apparently ptsd. For fear of having my ataxia go off alone I have always made sure that I’m not alone. Now my “friends” and neighbors believe its getting out of hand and I have PTSD about being left alone and (one of them is going to school to be a psychologist and he is 40 and has done the same amount of schooling as me) they think that to help me get over the PTSD (well him specifically) they should let me wake up one morning and “practice” being alone all day telling me they will be there for me. Yeah well I am okay with being alone but not feeling alone. He has made sure I don’t go to anyone’s house, that no one I know talks to me or checks on me or anything. He says he’s doing this to force me into therapy but being on medical we all know you get shitty therapy and my therapist I’ve been seeing hasn’t called me back for two months. His niece that I RAISED and have been there for her since the day she was born (8yrs) I read to her fed her changed her help her with HW teach her life lessons take her to fun places and have spent thousands of dollars on because she has dead beat parents well now I’ve been told I cant see her until I get my anxiety under control which has sent me into the biggest depression of my life and I can’t stop worrying how she is doing what they’ve told her I just want her to know I’m not the one abandoning her they are forcing me away I just don’t know what to do I cant get out of bed I cant eat my head is hurting all the time I feel like everything has been ripped away from me and I have NO friends period so I have no one to talk to. I just feel like giving up I don’t see a point in living. She was, is my world and I can’t even see let alone talk to her and its killing me inside. Thanks for listening.

Amanda says:

September 14, 2014 at 7:13 am

I am a 40 year old woman who has yet again just destroyed another relationship. My father left when I was 2 years old and I tracked him down when I was 18 only to be rejected all over again as a young adult. I have constantly been attracted to “emotionaly unavailable” men who have treated me like dirt. I finally met a gentle loving soul – who seemed to love me for me and I treated him terribly. I kept pushing and testing him (i guess to see if his love really was unconditional) obviously everyone has their breaking point and it seems after 2 years he could take no more of my behaviours and did infact leave me. (which I expected all along) I am terrified of letting people see anything that could be viewed as weakness or vunerability in me so I hide the real me and instead put on an act I have perfected over the last 30+ years of a strong, confident woman who doesn’t really need anyone…… I am abrasive and mean at times in an effort to avoid forming relationships (even friendships) and come across as very prickly. I am tired, i am tired of acting, i’m so tired of trying to project the image of perfection, i’m tired of hurting people- i’m really just flat out tired. Out of the 30 symptoms I checked the box on 27 of them. I just need some advice on where I can go to get some help with this. I can’t allow myself to keep repeating this terribly, lonely cycle. I just want to be happy and I just want to be me – without the fear of rejection.

Admin says:

September 15, 2014 at 3:16 pm

Reach out via e-mail for a personalized response. [email protected] Thank you so much for sharing, by the way. It’s always welcome.

Jack says:

September 26, 2014 at 6:52 am

Oh wow, thanks so much for whoever wrote this. Everything on here is so true. I’m a veteran, and since I’ve been back, I was diagnosed with PTSD, and I was acting “weird” when I got back because it was difficult to adjust. My family and friends stopped talking to me when I acted weird, and i started drinking then begin using drugs to fill the void. When they found that out, it turned into talking behind my back and making my co-workers stop talking to me as well.

Then rumors would spread, and people would joke & criticize me for my PTSD issues (drinking & drugs) without even taking into consideration that I had PTSD because I looked “normal” on the outside.

Now, I’m afraid to get to know anyone because if I say the wrong things, I can pick up on their body language and know that they don’t want to bother with me. And if I ask people things and they ignore me and pretend like I don’t exist, than that’s even worse. So, I just cut myself off from everyone to prevent the feeling of abandonment.

This sounds crazy, but I think of trivial things that happened ten years ago that people have done to me, and I get irrationally angry about it. To the point of getting drunk and yelling in my room and staging mock scenarios in my head of things I should have done differently 10 YEARS AGO!

It’s wearing on me mentally and I don’t know how to stop it. So I figure the best solution is just to limit all contact with people so I don’t create more bad memories for the future. So my future self won’t be dwelling on negative things from the past.

Whoever wrote this, thank you. I would really like to donate to you guys so you can help spread this information, because I think it would help ALOT of people, combat veterans inparticular who are dealing with abandonment issues. I learned more about myself from reading this than any doctor, group, or therapy that the VA has taught me. This honestly should be required reading for people who work with veterans who suffer abandonment issues. Because everything you say is so true. Thanks again for this!

Admin says:

September 26, 2014 at 3:34 pm

Thank you for sharing your story. The article was written by Susan Anderson. I’ll make sure she sees your response.

unanimous says:

October 19, 2014 at 2:15 am

Please assist me. My daughter has not spoken to me in over 3 years. Although I know it was my fault i still wished to make ammends and have a relation with her. It is so painful. I had no idea this would leed to total abandonment of me, and her entire family. After having raised someone for over 27 years then to have all cummunication stopped….it’s tearing me apart. Thank you for any suggestions.

Admin says:

October 23, 2014 at 7:02 pm

Hi, please e-mail us at [email protected] for personal advice. We are so happy to discuss options for working with this stressful and heartbreaking situation.

Brandi says:

November 11, 2014 at 3:10 pm

My trauma runs deep. I was given up and lived with my grandmother. All through childhood my mother would come around once in a while stay for 5 min then leave again. As the years went by there was a repetitive kind of verbal abuse. Finding her to be a narcassitic parent was revealing for me because when reading about those kinds of parents at http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html which is a very long read but like each paragraph brought a memory as i read. Then years later my aunt betrayed and abandoned me, turning me into DHS or CPS whichever its called in your area, all because she didn’t want me to move from MS to NC. Five days before I was suppose to leave CPS knocked on my door and took my kids based on what my aunt said. They didnt even come into the house, just handed me a paper when i opened the front door and that was that. I was told so many things, I’m not a good parent, I am irrisponsible, I cannot make choices for myself… i sat at a table alone, my aunt her daughters and one of my sisters sat on the other side each taking a turn telling me all they saw wrong with me, wrong with me as a parent, wrong with me in every way…. Four years later I still am jumpy, relationships are extremely hard for me, family means nothing to me and I am always… ALWAYS… guarded. If someone knocks on the door of my house before calling to ask if they can come over, it sends me into a panic… ect. I am grateful for this website. I am determined to heal and overcome. Thank you for giving me a name to all I deal with. Now I know how to heal even more.

Jill Gordon says:

December 29, 2014 at 12:47 pm

After being in a relaionship for 4 years with a man with Aspergers that lacks a conscience a lot of the time I notice what I can only conclude as a feeling of hijacking of my brain as a consequence. What therapy or medication is available for this?

Admin says:

January 15, 2015 at 12:06 am

Would need to hear more to offer specific advice. Please e-mail [email protected]

Heidi Oldfield says:

February 6, 2015 at 9:48 am

Raised 3 step kids after their mother put them on a school bus and ran off with a co worker who didn’t want kids. Eventually, she had court appointed visitation, where she filled the kids heads with various fantasies. (Example: mommy left because daddy wouldn’t stop smoking!) Tried to get father to put kids in counseling years ago, as signs of abandonment issues were rearing their ugly head. Nope, best not to talk about it, it’s over, done and in the past, said the parents. Guess what? All 3 adult abandoned children are suffering the consequences! There issues are everyone else’s fault, usually step mom! The youngest claims to be getting some help soon, hoping the other 2 will as well! Makes me sad to see what a parents selfish ways can do to a child…..and they carry it with them forever! Hoping they can overcome the trauma of irresponsible adults and find peace! Thank you for this wonderful article!

Mary says:

March 7, 2015 at 4:31 pm

Re-enactment email template

I was emailing for either

information and/or a referral. The reason being is that I am currently having blocks of time that is missing. First I started off with bad dreams of being sexually and physically abused and now I am beginning to sleep walk. I already went to the doctor, neurologist and psychiatrist. All to no avail and so I Googled: “how to stop Re-enactment ” & now here I am using this site as a reference point.

Mary says:

March 7, 2015 at 4:45 pm

I was emailing for either

Liz says:

March 15, 2015 at 10:25 pm

I am female, 22 and have 6 other siblings that were severely neglected under a mentally ill/drug abusing mother and an extremely passive father who worked all the time to support the family. It wasn’t that they hit us, but they were never there and my mom did not provide, cook, teach us anything. She would take in stray cats and let them poop all over the house, every year we lived with flea infestations – it is still that way whenever I visit my parents. My siblings would have arguments and no one would be there to break up the violence and screaming. I never felt safe at home, I never knew how to take care of myself and I felt weird when I would go to friends houses and they would ask me why my teeth are bad or why I don’t know how to boil noodles or how to have table manners. Getting away from home has helped me so much, cleaning myself up, eating properly and exercise has helped my low self-esteem. Ive entered into my first relationship and it has moved mountains for my self-worth – but it is still challenging meeting people who speak frequently of their highly functioning homes and loving parents. I used to blame myself for being mean, hateful and full of pride in my heart when I would get upset with them, but now I realize that these depictions of family and the home bring back HORRIBLE memories I’d have even forgotten about and i become inwardly defensive and extremely emotional. This article has been so helpful to me, thank you for writing it. I have been trying to attend church, and have been wondering why I get so angry around all the cookie-cutter members who always talk about their loving families… I am not the bad guy… thank you. I pray everyday that I will feel God’s love and not succumb to the pain and worthlessness I carry from childhood. I hope my message inspires anyone to continue on and be loving and patient with your weaknesses.

Linda says:

March 26, 2015 at 9:42 am

I’m 41, was sexually abused by family from the age of 6 years old. More recently became aware that most of my distress was down to abandonment and daily events that act like a trigger to my past. I have had mostly poor short relationships that have never got started because of lack of trust. Last year I met a man that has remained consistent, shown me love, been reliable and these things have helped me to be able to build some positive foundations. He is about to move in with me. This may sound very ‘normal’ however it’s the first time in my life that I have got to this stage. I feel like I have turned a corner and somehow found a way to take a monumental step. I realise this is a huge thing for me and part of moving on. Today I sit crying, another tiny event has triggered my feelings of loss and again I feel abandoned. This website highlights part if me. I do however have hope, I now have a label for it, I realise this is not about my partner but about my past. I will read the book, I need to understand more, to do what I can to get unstuck from my old behaviours. I continue to work on it. Thank you for listening

Lynn says:

March 27, 2015 at 4:53 pm

Hi. I have lived with severe PTSD since age 3 compiled with trauma after trauma through further youth and adult abandonment. I found therapy to reignite issues leaving me stuck rather than healing. I swing from extremes of overreation to nonreaction. Always in a hyper state or fear. I fear all attatchment yet being in a healthy loving relationship is what I wish with all my heart. I’m now 57 and want to be unstuck.

Admin says:

April 1, 2015 at 8:57 pm

Hi Lynn (and anyone that I haven’t responded to that has left a message here!) Please reach out to us via e-mail. [email protected] Share your story in brief and we will discuss options for the road ahead.

Stephen says:

April 9, 2015 at 11:05 pm

What do you mean by “narcissistically injured self ” that seems a bit harsh. But everything thus far feels spot on for me.

My parents got divorced when I was 11 and it was a bad one. I began acting out more n school and my parents were pressured by the school to bring me to a residential program where I was subject to weeks and weeks of isolation as a form of punishment.

As an adult I suffer from agoraphobia, I suppose that s my defense mechanism. Additionally I am quick to cut people out of my life is they project negativity on me or if they show patterns of taking my words out of context and using them to place judgment on me that I feel is false.

Does that make me a narcissist?

Stephen says:

April 9, 2015 at 11:21 pm

My parents got divorced when I was 11, I started acting out and fighting a lot in school and engaging in a lot of aggressive risk-taking behavior. My parents were pressured by the school to put me in a residential facility. I was taken there suddenly and without warning, I was told I was going to another routine appointment but I did not know my bags were packed. I was subject to periods of isolation that lasted time periods of multiple weeks to a month. As an adult I suffer from agoraphobia and I am very quick to cut people out of my life who I feel are projecting negativity on me.

In the past I used to react to insults with violence, I suppose that could be narcissistic rage, but nowadays it equates to me cutting that person out of my life and telling them why their behavior is hurtful. Do I have to tell them about themselves? That is debatable, but either way I feel it is better to cut them off and leave them with something to think about. Does that still make me a narcissist?

Deb says:

April 13, 2015 at 12:00 am

Do people with abandonment issues ever overcome their denial enough to get treatment and return to relationships are they’ve destroyed with their bad behavior? I love my fiance, and we recently underwent an intervention for a reality TV show to try and fix a lot of damage that had occured in our lives. His paranoid and jealous behavior have caused a lot of damage to our relationship. Part of our therapy was to work on our individual issues in separate citiies, but I don’t believe they realized he had severe abandonment issues. I only figured it out from recent internet research. I’m a doctor so I am a glutton for information and am desperate for a solution, but I know this is one of the toughest problems out there. At first it seemed like he had accepted that he probably suffered from abandonment issues, but he quickly regressed to blaming me and saying I’m a horrible person who doesn’t love him and just wants to be with other men. This hurts so much because it is so far from the truth, but he just keeps wanting to blame me rather than work on his abandonment issues. His trust issues are so bad that he just does not seem capable of doing this on his own. I have defensiveness issues so you can only imagine what a terrible combination this is. I am supposed to be working with a life coach here, and he is supposed to work with a therapist there, but it is so infrequent that neither has been very effective. I don’t know how to deal with his mean acting out behavior which can be vile. I try to just ignore his texts and refuse his calls when he’s being abusive, but I know it is breaking his heart. I don’t want to give up on him, but if he is going to deny abandonment issues and blame me then I can’t live with his current behavior. I’ve begged him to acknowledge the abandonment issues and at least try to stop acting out, but he just comes back saying I’m evil and never loved him and just want to be with other people. I finally told him that he wins and I quit. I have not taken his calls or read his texts since. I know this has to be terribly traumatic for him, but the abuse was really getting to me. He went through two weeks of intense recovery and got clean from alcohol abuse, but I worry this trauma could trigger him to break his sobriety. I’m obviously here to try and treat the co-dependency, but this is breaking my heart because I know only he can fix this. Any advice on how to deal with him so that more abandonment damage is not done? I kept telling him I was not abandoning him, but he still kept acting like an ass, yet expecting me to act like he was the greatest thing in the world. He’s been acting like a 2 year old with a really foul mouth. I told him I would not tolerate that behavior, but he kept it up. I know it is probably hopeless, but I had hoped to be able to break the cycle. He has two boys who already lost their mother when they were very young. I love them and want to be a mom to them, but their dad keeps sabotaging things with bad behavior. When he’s not acting out he’s a great guy, but he seems dead set on blaming me and destroying us.

maddie says:

April 16, 2015 at 8:39 am

i need help. i know what is wrong but i can’t fix it. my father left as an infant and my mother was abusive my while childhood. i suffered Sexual abuse and neglection everywhere i went. i was bullied at school and bullied at home I had no family member willing to help. I was chucked out by my mother at 9 and lived in foster homes and refuges yet the system slip me through the cracks so I technically had no guardian since 9.

I am now a single mother after being abandoned again by another set of people. I’m scared for my own actions. I am still alone. I don’t trust anyone I can’t get over my past including my childhood. I cry every night to sleep.

I am 22 now. yet I feel like I have lived 50 years. I need help but it’s hard to find. I speak to one councillor they send me to another and another and another. I just keep being thrown around. I found out I have cervical cancer. and I have no support I was always suicidal as a child and never changed I never found my meaning even as a mother. I have no hope in this life. I am convinced this is a nightmare and I’ll wake up someone else. I can’t accept me as me. I never tell people my real name. I can’t stand to hear it. it’s like a trigger for me. my own name.

Erin says:

April 19, 2015 at 5:50 pm

Wow, this article helped me make so much sense of my issues. Ive had abandoment issues since early childhood, however last year my best friend decided out of the blue to never cut ties…. the adverse affect of this has been putting a lot of strain on my relationship of 4 years, there are days when i cant be affectionate towards him, then i feel that he will abandon me, its a never ending cycle…. its really hard for me to deal with people on a close level and i no longer am able to refer to anyone as my best friend, which causes friends to be upset. This article helped alot. Whenever i am finally finacially and legally able to get help, this will definitely help me explain.

Buyisiwe Evelyn Mbatha says:

April 23, 2015 at 9:13 am

Hi am staying with a17 year old child who does nt now her parent i need help so that she can also be help cause she stared to miss behave sleep any were bad freinds so am stack with her pleas help us

J says:

May 1, 2015 at 12:09 am

I have been swinging on the pendulum my whole life, since my earliest schoolgirl crushes up until the latest and seemingly most painful romantic loss to date. I am so thankful that I happened upon your work. I feel a sense of relief in understanding better my relationship patterns that after all these years have yielded little joy or satisfaction. I think I have suffered many abandonments but didn’t really recognize their significance until now. My mother was severely bi-polar while carrying both my brother and I and continually throughout my childhood. She would have to spend weeks even months sometimes in the hospital and was often unresponsive due to heavy medication. My father did his best to care for us emotionally but I learned very early to hide my fears, concerns and needs in order to not at to the ongoing drama. I am a diehard people pleaser still to this day and often wonder how my life would have unfolded differently if I had asked for help when I needed it, instead of hiding my needs. It is so complex and I’m only just starting to see the whole picture. I’m just so thankful that there is a way out of this and I am not alone:)

Cindy says:

May 18, 2015 at 12:22 pm

I am a 40-year old women that just starting dealing with childhood abandonment issues that were triggered by a 1/2 brother that just moved to my state. He made me aware that my mother really could care less about me. It was easy for me to acknowledge this information being she chose here new husband over me at the age of 8 years old and drop me to live with my grandmother. I would like to share my experiences with other adults that have shared similar experiences…I look forward in hearing from everyone.

Tom says:

May 29, 2015 at 7:35 am

How do you handle this situation from the viewpoint of the spouse married to someone with this disorder? Because, it’s really hard when all of the characteristics begin to manifest itself in the relationship.

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kkintle · 5 years

Text

Misbehaving: The Making of Behavioural Economics by Richard H. Thaler; Quotes

One day on a phone call I asked him how he was feeling. He said, “You know, it’s funny. When you have the flu you feel like you are going to die, but when you are dying, most of the time you feel just fine.”

Let a six-year-old girl with brown hair need thousands of dollars for an operation that will prolong her life until Christmas, and the post office will be swamped with nickels and dimes to save her. But let it be reported that without sales tax the hospital facilities of Massachusetts will deteriorate and cause a barely perceptible increase in preventable deaths—not many will drop a tear or reach for their checkbooks.

“willingness to pay” or “willingness to accept.”

Opportunity costs are vague and abstract when compared to handing over actual cash.

The Weber-Fechner Law holds that the just-noticeable difference in any variable is proportional to the magnitude of that variable. If I gain one ounce, I don’t notice it, but if I am buying fresh herbs, the difference between 2 ounces and 3 ounces is obvious. Psychologists refer to a just noticeable difference as a JND.

So, we experience life in terms of changes, we feel diminishing sensitivity to both gains and losses, and losses sting more than equivalently-sized gains feel good.

Big ideas are fine, but I needed to publish papers to stay employed. Looking back, I had what science writer Steven Johnson calls a “slow hunch.” A slow hunch is not one of those “aha” insights when everything becomes clear. Instead, it is more of a vague impression that there is something interesting going on, and an intuition that there could be something important lurking not far away. The problem with a slow hunch is you have no way to know whether it will lead to a dead end. I felt like I had arrived on the shores of a new world with no map, no idea where I should be looking, and no idea whether I would find anything of value.

Economists don’t care whether you like a firm mattress better than a soft one or vice versa, but they cannot tolerate you saying that you like a firm mattress better than a soft one and a soft one better than a firm one.

Psychologists tell us that in order to learn from experience, two ingredients are necessary: frequent practice and immediate feedback.

Many people have made money selling magic potions and Ponzi schemes, but few have gotten rich selling the advice, “Don’t buy that stuff.”

acquisition utility and transaction utility.

Expressions such as “don’t cry over spilt milk” and “let bygones be bygones” are another way of putting economists’ advice to ignore sunk costs.

Many mentioned the advice, often attributed to William Faulkner, but apparently said by many, that writers have to learn to “kill their darlings.” The advice has been given so often, I suspect, because it is hard for any writer to do.

The bigger lesson is that once you understand a behavioral problem, you can sometimes invent a behavioral solution to it. Mental accounting is not always a fool’s game.

A good rule to remember is that people who are threatened with big losses and have a chance to break even will be unusually willing to take risks, even if they are normally quite risk averse.

Although it is never stated explicitly as an assumption in an economics textbook, in practice economic theory presumes that self-control problems do not exist.

Some early economists viewed any discounting of future consumption as a mistake—a failure of some type. It could be a failure of willpower, or, as Arthur Pigou famously wrote in 1921, it could be a failure of imagination: “Our telescopic faculty is defective and . . . we, therefore, see future pleasures, as it were, on a diminished scale.”

The economics training the students receive provides enormous insights into the behavior of Econs, but at the expense of losing common-sense intuition about human nature and social interactions. Graduates no longer realize that they live in a world populated by Humans.

I once gave a talk about self-control to a group of economists at the Hebrew University in Jerusalem. At one point I used the word “temptation,” and one of the audience members asked me to define it. Someone else in the audience jumped in to say, “It’s in the Bible.” But it was not in the economists’ dictionary.

Ainslie’s paper also provides a long discussion of various strategies for dealing with self-control problems. One course of action is commitment: removing the cashews or tying yourself to the mast. Another is to raise the cost of submitting to temptation. For example, if you want to quit smoking, you could write a large check to someone you see often with permission to cash the check if you are seen smoking. Or you can make that bet with yourself, what Ainslie calls a “private side bet.” You could say to yourself, “I won’t watch the game on television tonight until I finish [some task you are tempted to postpone].”

We all have occasions on which we change our minds, but usually we do not go to extraordinary steps to prevent ourselves from deviating from the original plan. The only circumstances in which you would want to commit yourself to your planned course of action is when you have good reason to believe that if you change your preferences later, this change of preferences will be a mistake.

At some point in pondering these questions, I came across a quote from social scientist Donald McIntosh that profoundly influenced my thinking: “The idea of self-control is paradoxical unless it is assumed that the psyche contains more than one energy system, and that these energy systems have some degree of independence from each other.” The passage is from an obscure book, The Foundations of Human Society. I do not know how I came by the quote, but it seemed to me to be obviously true. Self-control is, centrally, about conflict. And, like tango, it takes (at least) two to have a conflict.

One principle that emerged from our research is that perceptions of fairness are related to the endowment effect.

“If you gouge them at Christmas they won’t come back in March.” That remains good advice for any business that is interested in building a loyal clientele.

Although it is true that in the Ultimatum Game the most common offer is often 50%, one cannot conclude that Proposers are trying to be fair. Instead, they may be quite rationally worried about being rejected.

Further research by Ernst Fehr and his colleagues has shown that, consistent with Andreoni’s finding, a large proportion of people can be categorized as conditional cooperators, meaning that they are willing to cooperate if enough others do. People start out these games willing to give their fellow players the benefit of the doubt, but if cooperation rates are low, these conditional cooperators turn into free riders. However, cooperation can be maintained even in repeated games if players are given the opportunity to punish those who do not cooperate. As illustrated by the Punishment Game, described earlier, people are willing to spend some of their own money to teach a lesson to those who behave unfairly, and this willingness to punish disciplines potential free riders and keeps robust cooperation rates stable.

Not everyone will free ride all the time, but some people are ready to pick your pocket if you are not careful.

Shefrin and Statman’s answer relied on a combination of self-control and mental accounting. The notion was that some shareholders—retirees, for instance—like the idea of getting inflows that are mentally categorized as “income” so that they don’t feel bad spending that money to live on. In a rational world, this makes no sense. A retired Econ could buy shares in companies that do not pay dividends, sell off a portion of his stock holdings periodically, and live off of those proceeds while paying less in taxes.

“Discovery commences with the awareness of anomaly, i.e., with the recognition that nature has somehow violated the paradigm-induced expectations that govern normal science.” —Thomas Kuhn

the Journal of Economic Perspectives is available free online to anyone at www.aeaweb.org/jep, including all the back issues. It is a great place to learn about economics.

If the outside view is fleshed out carefully and informed with appropriate baseline data, it will be far more reliable than the inside view. The problem is that the inside view is so natural and accessible that it can influence the judgments even of people who understand the concept—indeed, even of the person who coined the term.

Flip a coin, heads you win $200, tails you lose $100. As Samuelson had anticipated, Brown declined this bet, saying: “I won’t bet because I would feel the $100 loss more than the $200 gain.” In other words, Brown was saying: “I am loss averse.” But then Brown said something that surprised Samuelson. He said that he did not like one bet, but would be happy to take 100 such bets.

“If it does not pay to do an act once, it will not pay to do it twice, thrice, . . . or at all.”

“myopic loss aversion.” The only way you can ever take 100 attractive bets is by first taking the first one, and it is only thinking about the bet in isolation that fools you into turning it down.

One reason is that it is risky to be a contrarian. “Worldly wisdom teaches that is it is better for reputation to fail conventionally than to succeed unconventionally.”

Remember another of Keynes’s famous lines. “In the long run, we are all dead.”

In a rational world there would not be very much trading—in fact, hardly any. Economists sometimes call this the Groucho Marx theorem. Groucho famously said that he would never want to belong to any club that would have him as a member. The economist’s version of this joke—predictably, not as funny—is that no rational agent will want to buy a stock that some other rational agent is willing to sell. Imagine two financial analysts, Tom and Jerry, are playing a round of golf. Tom mentions that he is thinking of buying 100 shares of Apple. Jerry says, that’s convenient, I was thinking of selling 100 shares. I could sell my shares to you and avoid the commission to my broker. Before they can agree on a deal, both think better of it. Tom realizes that Jerry is a smart guy, so asks himself, why is he selling? Jerry is thinking the same about Tom, so they call off the trade. Similarly, if everyone believed that every stock was correctly priced already—and always would be correctly priced—there would not be very much point in trading, at least not with the intent of beating the market. No one takes the extreme version of this “no trade theorem” literally, but most financial economists agree, at least when pressed, that trading volume is surprisingly high. There is room for differences of opinion on price in a rational model, but it is hard to explain why shares would turn over at a rate of about 5% per month in a world of Econs. However, if you assume that some investors are overconfident, high trading volume emerges naturally.

The key lesson is that prices can get out of whack, and smart money cannot always set things right.

“the three bounds”: bounded rationality, bounded willpower, and bounded self-interest.

When people are given what they consider to be unfair offers, they can get angry enough to punish the other party, even at some cost to themselves.

The winner’s curse. When many bidders compete for the same object, the winner of the auction is often the bidder who most overvalues the object being sold. The same will be true for players, especially the highly touted players picked early in the first round. The winner’s curse says that those players will be good, but not as good as the teams picking them think.

The false consensus effect. Put basically, people tend to think that other people share their preferences.

A competitive labor market does do a pretty good job of channeling people into jobs that suit them. But ironically, this logic may become less compelling as we move up the managerial ladder. All economists are at least pretty good at economics, but many who are chosen to be department chair fail miserably at that job. This is the famous Peter Principle: people keep getting promoted until they reach their level of incompetence.

“I am not the sort of person who would steal, and I hope you are not one of those evil types either.” This is an example of what game theorists call “cheap talk.” In the absence of a penalty for lying, everyone promises to be nice. However, there turns out to be one reliable signal in all this noise. If someone makes an explicit promise to split, she is 30 percentage points more likely to do so. (An example of such a statement: “I promise you I am going to split it, 120%.”) This reflects a general tendency. People are more willing to lie by omission than commission.

(...) he said he was planning to steal right up until the last minute. The hosts reminded him that he had given an impassioned speech about his father telling him that a man is only as good as his word. “What about that?” the hosts asked, somewhat aghast at this revelation. “Oh, that,” Ibrahim said. “Actually, I never met my father. I just thought it would be an effective story.” People are interesting.

Someone turning sixty who finds herself flush with surplus savings has numerous remedies, from taking an early retirement, to going on lavish vacations, to spoiling the grandchildren. But someone who learns at sixty that she has not saved enough has very little time to make up lost ground, and may find that retirement must be postponed indefinitely.

When dealing with Humans, words matter.

standard recommendation from the Cialdini bible: if you want people to comply with some norm or rule, it is a good strategy to inform them (if true) that most other people comply.

Ethical nudges must be both transparent and true.

If you want to encourage someone to do something, make it easy.

“big peanuts” fallacy

Those looking for behavioral interventions that have a high probability of working should seek out other environments in which a one-time action can accomplish the job. If no one-time solution yet exists, invent one!

As Gene Fama often says when he is asked about our competing views: we agree about the facts, we just disagree about the interpretation.

Mark Twain once said, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

#behavioural economics #economics #non-fiction #quotes #books #misbehaving #Richard h thaler #Richard thaler

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gallifvrey · 6 years

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An alternate ending to Resolution. What if the Doctor wasn’t able to save Aaron in time?

[Read on AO3]

She can only think about how she is going to kill the Dalek.

From the moment she sees it, its tentacles wrapped around Aaron’s body, not dead, very much alive and hurting yet another person.

She is going to kill it, no matter the cost.

The Dalek is holding on tightly, secured to Aaron and not willing to let go, and it so easily believes her when she says she’s going to take it to the Dalek fleet.

Honestly, by this point, they should know better than to trust the Doctor.

So she goes, takes it onto the TARDIS with the rest of the companions, all tagging along, and plugs in the coordinates for a supernova that’s got a vacuum corridor just the right size to take the Dalek and probably, maybe, not Aaron and they’re off. She figures this has got at least a 50% chance of not also killing Aaron.

Part of her, a small part but growing with ferocity as she tries to find new ways of saving humanity, thinks that maybe, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if Aaron was killed too. One human life for one Dalek, a human that’s hurt one of her friends nonetheless. Would it really be a loss in the world for him to die too? To get rid of another being that is so evil?

They’re on the TARDIS and she flings the door open, shocks the Dalek into stumbling back a few steps and they are both, Dalek and human, nearly out the door before something in Aaron seemingly starts to fight back, grabs the wall and holds himself desperately from flying in too.

“Dad!” She hears Ryan scream, hears Yaz tell her to just Do something! but she can’t, is too focused on just getting rid of this creature, plunging it into the unforgiving abyss that is a star going supernova.

She tells herself that she’ll just wait a few more seconds and then close the door - figure out some other way of getting the Dalek off Aaron but a few seconds turns into a few more and the vacuum corridor is increasing, she doesn’t know how Aaron is still holding on.

The TARDIS is shaking, straining against the gravitational pull of the star and the exponentially expanding vacuum corridor and well, she figures, this will be over soon enough, one way or another.

(She could close the door - could save Aaron and the Dalek and find some other way of protecting her friends but then there is a chance that the Dalek could escape, could leave and how is she going to do that)

There is commotion, she hears some shouting but she is too busy in her own head, doing calculations, running numbers through equations trying to estimate the maximum the vacuum corridor can extend before they get sucked in too, how long they can wait before Aaron’s grip inevitably gives out. Just how long she has to wait.

She’s doing this, not paying attention because she never claimed that she could do everything, that she was perfect, she’s only Time Lord after all (except, of course, when she does claim that she’s perfect, when she saves the day with nothing but a paperclip and her sonic screwdriver. This is not one of those times).

She’s not paying attention to the shouts in the TARDIS. To Yaz screaming Ryan’s name as he runs towards his dad, tenacious relationship forgotten and with the thought of family only on his mind. Misses Graham’s few steps forward as well, as if to stop Ryan or maybe just protect him.

Misses the way that Ryan reaches his hand out to try to get his dad to take hold, to drag him back into the safety of the TARDIS.

Turns around in time to very much not miss how right when Aaron seems to just reach out to grab hold of Ryan’s hand, the Dalek still controlling his body then forces his other hand to let go, and there they go. Flying off into the star, sucked in by the gravitational pull and they’re off.

A snap of her fingers and the doors close, shut behind them and Ryan is instantly at the door, screaming, clawing at the door as though he can bring his dad back if he just tries a bit harder.

“Doctor! We need to go get him! We need to fly to him!” he shouts, turning to face her.

“I can’t. The TARDIS will get sucked in by the star and then we’ll all die. I’m sorry, Ryan. He’s gone.” Her voice is like steel, void of any emotion, and she turns back to the console to fly them all safely back to Earth, threat eliminated.

She hears Ryan trying to open the door, and thanks the TARDIS silently that she keeps the doors locked, preventing him from opening them and doing whatever foolish act of bravery he might be inclined to do now. She’s not sure if she could bear to lose anyone else.

Hears as Graham and Yaz go to Ryan, comfort him in the so, so human way that they know how to and god, doesn’t she wish that she could be just a little more of what she knows her companions need.

It was, of course, worth it, wasn’t it?

Sacrifice a human to kill a Dalek, the most evil creature in the universe. The Dalek could have, would have killed many more if she let it go. Numerically, she was doing the universe a favor.

“We need to go back! You’ve got a time machine, we need to fly back and save him, bring him back, something!” Ryan has moved from the door and closer to the console, looking at her with a tear streaked face and something far more dangerous. An unwillingness to accept the past.

This is what always happens when she has humans travel with her. Some tragedy occurs and they believe that she can just change the past to make it right.

“I can’t, Ryan. The past is set in stone, there is nothing I can do. If we go back, it would cause a paradox; if he was alive there wouldn’t be any reason for us to save him,” she’s trying, she’s trying so hard to make him understand. That this is out of her hands.

“I’m sorry. I wish there was something, but there isn’t. There is nothing I can do.” She says, forcing herself to look at him. Just killed a family member, after all, wouldn’t be fair for her to simply retreat back into herself, away from all these human emotions, in to the safety of her own isolation.

“Doctor, there must be something you can do? Some way we can change it?” Yaz says, and her heart nearly breaks hearing the quiet plea in Yaz’s voice, filled with so much hope that the Doctor can just fix it if she just tries hard enough. Oh, so much like the Doctor’s past companions, they just don’t understand that the Doctor can’t fix the universe, no matter how much she tries.

She just shakes her head slowly, watches as Ryan’s face crumbles again and God, does she wish she could do something. The laws of time are set in stone and there is nothing that she can do to change that.

“Why didn’t you close the door, then? When he was nearly falling out? We - you - could have found a different way to get rid of the Dalek. Bought us some time at least.” Graham speaks up now, his arm wrapped protectively around Ryan.

“I couldn’t risk it - I couldn’t have known the Dalek was going to do that, though. Figured it wanted to be in the ship as much as Aaron did. I didn’t think that the Dalek would take Aaron with it.”

“Really, Doc? You said this was the most evil creature in the universe and you wouldn’t have thought that it wouldn’t have sacrificed itself just to bring a little more pain into the world?”

She feels herself growing angry - for as much as she loves her friends they just don’t understand, do they. Don’t have the same experiences that she does, haven’t lived as long. Don’t know the extent that the Daleks are capable of.

“You have no idea Graham. I know exactly what they were going to do. I know how they think, how they act, and I know that if I let this one get away, who knows what would have happened. How many other people would have died. What, was I supposed to save one person and risk the lives of millions of others? Was he more important than millions of people?”

She realizes she’s gone too far as soon as she stops talking, when the rest of her companions are seemingly stunned into silence. A part of her is pleased - good for them, she thinks, for finally understanding the choices that she has to make. All the time, without thanks.

“He was to me,” Ryan responds, quietly.

But you didn’t even like him before a few hours ago! She wants to scream, he hurt you! How could you be this upset about it?

But the Doctor knows she doesn’t mean it, knows she’s just finding a way of avoiding that she did something that was wrong, that she shouldn’t have done.

“Take us home, Doc. Please.” Graham says. Ryan nods mutely behind him. Yaz says nothing, just stares curiously at the Doctor, as if trying to understand the creature that stands before her.

The Doctor says nothing, turns around, plugs in the coordinates for Graham’s house. She had memorized them, because they’re friends and she does that with her friends, remembers their space-time address and doesn’t forget it. (Seems like she might not be using that, any time soon. With the way that Graham is looking at her, face set in a frown, and how Ryan seemingly can’t even bring himself to look at her).

They make it to Graham and Ryan’s house, she lands gently, taking care not to land on any other piece of furniture that’s lying around.

“We’ve landed,” she brings herself to say. She hopes they’ll come back.

“Yeah. Alright. C’mon, Ryan. We’re going home.” Graham says, leading Ryan towards the door. The Doctor can’t bring herself to do anything other than stand there, watch them leave. It’s their choice, it’s always their choice, and she knows she went too far this time. Isn’t sure how she would forgive herself, let alone ask them to forgive her.

Right before they open the door, Ryan turns around to look at the Doctor.

“I don’t hate you, you know. I blame you, right now, but it’s what you thought you had to do.”

The Doctor just nods in reply. How to condense the history of her species, of the largest war the universe has ever known, into one sentence. What could she even say to stop them from leaving, “I’m sorry I killed your dad, who you were just starting to get reacquainted with, but I also was about to kill my entire species because of the Daleks, so can you blame me?”

She’s not sure if that would go over too well.

“Are you gonna come back?” Yaz asks.

“I’m not sure. We’ll keep in touch, let you know if we want to fly again. I think we need to take some time off, now, for a bit. It’s so dark out there, it’s time to take a step back, I think.” Graham replies. “Maybe you should do the same, Doc. Reevaluate what you think is right in the universe.”

“Right… yeah, that’s understandable. Right. Alright. Well, I guess I’ll see you, then. You’ll find me again if you want to see me. I’m hard to get rid of, I’ve heard.”

Ryan and Graham nod, open the TARDIS doors and step out.

“I’m sorry.” She says, as they leave, words coming out softly. They don’t respond, the door closes. She’s sorry, of course, never wants to make decisions like this, to cause this kind of hurt or pain in her friends.

She’s sorry, but she’d do it again if she needed to.

#my writing #resolution #dw spoilers #doctor who #dw #dw fic

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mooneec · 6 years

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Fatherless Daughters: How Growing up Without a Dad Affects Women

Growing Up Without a Dad Shapes Who You Are

It took six decades, but I can finally utter a huge truth that caused me tremendous shame and sadness: My father didn't love me. I never spoke that deep, dark secret, but it was always festering inside of me. It manifested itself in many ways throughout my life as I struggled with a food obsession, low self-esteem, social anxiety, and depression.

Whether a dad was present but rejecting like mine or walked away from his fatherly duties entirely, his absence leaves an indelible mark on a daughter's psyche as she grows into adulthood. What does the research say about woman who grew up with fathers who didn't love them—daughters who were never daddy's little girl?

Below, you'll find six ways a daughter may be affected by an uninvolved dad.

Fathers provide their daughters with a masculine example. They teach their children about respect and boundaries and help put daughters at ease with other men throughout their lives. [...] So if she didn't grow up with a proper example, she will have less insight and she'll be more likely to go for a man that will replicate the abandonment of her father.

— Caitlin Marvaso, AMFT, a grief counselor and therapist in Oakland, CA

1. Fatherless Daughters Have Self-Esteem Issues

According to Deborah Moskovitch, an author and divorce consultant, kids often blame themselves when dad leaves the home and becomes less involved in their lives. When they aren't given an explanation about why dad left, they make up their own scenario and jump to the conclusion that it's their fault and that they're unlovable.

This is especially true for daughters. Countless studies have shown that fatherlessness has an extremely negative impact on daughters' self esteem. Her confidence in her own abilities and value as a human being can be greatly diminished if her father isn't there. Academically, personally, professionally, physically, socially, and romantically, a woman's self esteem is diminished in every setting if she did not form a healthy relationship with her father.

As a child, I watched television shows like The Brady Bunch and Happy Days in which the fathers showered their daughters with tremendous amounts of attention and affection. Because I never got that from my dad, I convinced myself it was because I wasn't cute enough. I thought if I had blond hair and talked with a lisp like Cindy Brady I would then have my dad's devotion. I hated the way I looked because I thought it caused my father's disinterest in me. As I got older, my self-esteem plummeted and I was sure no man would ever find me attractive.

2. Daughters With Absent Fathers Struggle to Build and Maintain Relationships

According to Pamela Thomas, author of Fatherless Daughters (a book that examines how women cope with the loss of a father via death or divorce), women who grew up with absent dads find it difficult to form lasting relationships. Because they were scarred by their dad's rejection of them, they don't want to risk getting hurt again. Consciously or unconsciously, they avoid getting close to people. They may form superficial relationships in which they reveal little of themselves and put very little effort into getting to know others. They may become promiscuous as a way of getting male attention without becoming too emotionally involved.

Ever since childhood, I've built walls around myself. I didn't open up to people. I didn't ask questions about their families, jobs, or hobbies. I kept my life private, and I remained socially isolated. These were all self-protective measures so I wouldn't experience rejection like I did with my dad. Knowing this intellectually did nothing to help me change my behavior because my fear of rejection was more powerful than my desire to make connections.

3. Women With Absent Fathers Are More Likely to Have Eating Disorders

In their book The Parent's Guide to Eating Disorders, the authors Marcia Herrin and Nancy Matsumoto write eloquently about the fact that girls with physically or emotionally absent fathers are at greater risk of developing eating disorders. Anorexia nervosa, bulimia, binge-eating, body dysmorphia, unhealthy preoccupations with food or body weight, and other eating disorders are all more likely if a girl does not have a father figure as she's growing up. Daughters without dads are also twice as likely to be obese. Because her longing to have a close relationship with her dad is denied, she may develop what Margo Maine (author of Father Hunger: Fathers, Daughters, & Food) calls “father hunger,” a deep emptiness and a profound insecurity. Daughters are left wondering: What's so wrong with me that my own father doesn't love me? If I looked different—if I was thin—would I earn daddy's love?

I've struggled with "father hunger" throughout my life—stuffing my face to fill the void, dieting to get model-thin, and always obsessing about food. My days have been filled with thoughts of eating—either doing it or struggling mightily not to. When I accepted that my dad didn't love me and that he was an unhappy man with deep-rooted problems, I finally started eating normally and began maintaining a healthy weight. I began treating myself in a loving way by exercising, gardening, reading, walking in the woods, and spending time with family. For the first time in my life, I only thought about food when I was truly hungry. This freed me to enjoy my life in so many wonderful ways.

4. Daughters of Absent Fathers Are More Prone to Depression

Not surprisingly, girls who grew up with dads who were emotionally or physically absent are more likely to struggle with depression as adults. Because they fear abandonment and rejection, these women often isolate themselves emotionally. They avoid healthy romantic relationships because they don't feel deserving and fear getting hurt, but they might jump into unhealthy relationships that ultimately lead to heartbreak. In either scenario, the women are in emotional peril and frequently become depressed. If they don't deal with the cause of their sadness—an absent dad—they may never be able to develop healthy relationships with men.

To top it all off, data suggests that children without fathers are more than twice as likely to commit suicide.

According to Denna Babul and Karin Louise, authors of The Fatherless Daughter Project, it's helpful to simply realize that we're not alone. In fact, one in three women see themselves as fatherless and struggle with feelings of abandonment. Knowing this fact helps us see that there's a whole sisterhood out there who share a common pain and a need to connect. When we open up and share our journey, we help both ourselves and each other. Whether we feel the loss of a dad through death, divorce, drug addiction, estrangement, or emotional neglect, we must grieve in order to move forward. Read Five Steps to Heal Her Pain: How a Fatherless Daughter Can Move On From Her Dad's Rejection for ideas on how to avoid falling into depression. A gifted therapist can be key to helping us do just that and becoming happier people.

5. Dadless Daughters Are More Likely to Become Sexually Active Earlier

Studies have shown the many benefits that come from a strong father-daughter bond. Most notably, girls who are close to their dads are less likely to get pregnant as teens. They delay engaging in sexual relationships, wait longer to get married and have children, and when they do find a husband, their marriages are more emotionally satisfying, stable, and long-lasting.

Countless studies also show that women who have unstable or absent paternal relationships are more likely to start having sex earlier and engage risky sexual behaviors. Daughters are four times more likely to get pregnant as a teen if dad isn't in the picture. Studies show that more than 70% of unplanned teenage pregnancies occur in homes where there is no father.

My older sister (who, like me, did not have a relationship with our father) met her future husband when she was just 18 and married him when she turned 22, straight out of college. He was the only guy she ever dated. Without a doubt, she was looking for the love and validation she never got from our dad. She was looking for an alternative to a man who never said "I love you" or "you're pretty" and never gave the unconditional acceptance one craves from a parent. Although she is still married, her union has been a difficult one, and she discourages her own daughters from marrying young.

6. Abandoned Daughters Are Susceptible to Addiction

As with depression, eating disorders, and low self esteem, the absence of a father can trap a daughter in a negative repetitive pattern she can't easily break out of and turn to drugs to self-medicate and help numb the pain. She is more likely to find herself trapped in a cycle of substance abuse, for example. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, fatherless children are at a dramatically greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse. Not only are kids in father-absent households about four times more likely to be poor (which can trigger many negative cycles), fatherless adolescents were found to be 69% more likely to use drugs and 76% more likely to commit crimes.

Can a Daughter Survive Without a Father?

Try as I might, I was never been able to get any traction, always making a mess of this or that and never able to form long-lasting friendships. I rejected happiness because I never felt worthy of it. I did so much to sabotage my life and make myself miserable.

Then last year my older sister revealed to me that she, too, had felt unloved by him. I immediately felt enormous relief and then great euphoria. I realized it had never been about me—that I was bad, ugly, stupid and undeserving. It had always been about him—his unhappy childhood, his cold mother, his negative nature, and his dissatisfaction with being a husband and father. It had never been about me...never.

I could finally shout: “You were a piece of crap and now I'm done with you! I'm not your prisoner any more!"

According to Caitlin Marvaso, AMFT, a grief counselor and therapist, to recover from a father's abandonment, a woman "must learn how to father herself, hold herself, and receive the type of love a father provides. It is a lifelong process, but with the proper support, tools, and patience, it is totally possible. That being said, the grief and pain never goes away, it just changes."

A daughter whose father abandoned her can grow, thrive, learn, excel, succeed, love and be loved, and live a wonderful life when she realizes that the problem isn't her, it's him. This is the first step toward healing.

#McKenna Meyers #fatherless #fatherless daughter #fatherless daughters #fatherless kid #fatherless kids #father hunger #father

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dent-de-leon · 7 years

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I’m antish/eith in part because Keith has to grow up. Shiro—er, Kuron—is hindering his development just by being there. I hope they can resolve this issue soon.

To be honest, I don’t understand this concept. And I’ve heard it before. This idea that Shiro is just a stepping stone for Keith, or even worse–that he’s holding him back. If you only have one friend, if you’ve been abandoned and turned on all your life, if you had only one person you can count on, a single constant, is it “growing up” to give them up? “My life would be a whole lot different without you.” “Shiro is the one person who never gave up on me, I won’t give up on him.” Shiro didn’t make Keith’s life worse, he changed it for the better.

Before Shiro, Keith had nothing. No one. He was abandoned by his parents. He lived in fear of abandonment because, as he says, “Maybe, I’m naturally untrusting because my mom left me? And so, instead of accepting people into my life, I push them away before they reject me. I guess I have some walls up…” Shiro and the garrison were likely all he had. We know this is true, because after Shiro disappears, Keith leaves. He isolates himself in the desert for a year, because he has nothing left to lose.

I see people say that Keith needs to “get over Shiro” all the time, that somehow him falling for Lance would be far more meaningful development because being “too close” to someone, sharing in unconditional love and support, is supposedly childish or wrong. When Keith gets kicked out of the garrison–an orphan with no home, no remaining family, someone who had just lost his only friend in an incredibly tragic incident, Lance’s reaction is to do a victory dance. He’s all excited that Keith’s out of the way and he can further his own piloting career. “Hasta la later, Keith!”

Meanwhile, that boy’s wondering the desert, feeling completely lost and alone. I highly doubt Keith’s the only one that has some growing up to do here, and I refuse to believe losing his only long term support was “helpful.” We’ve seen firsthand what happens when he loses Shiro.

Spiraling into depression isn’t healthy. Watching Keith break down and mourn and grieve all over again, push himself further away from the team and throw himself headlong into danger with reckless abandon, I don’t think anyone can say that’s progress. When Shiro disappears, Keith takes to talking to Black like he’s communicating with Shiro through her. Everyone else calls her the Black Lion. Rather than acknowledge her as a separate entity, Keith says things like, “I know this is what you wanted for me, Shiro. But I’m not you. I can’t lead them like you.” And, “This one’s for you, Shiro.” He latches onto Black as an attempt at clinging onto what little of Shiro he has left. Keith wasn’t healing or growing into a “better” person. He was suffering the entire time.

So let’s talk about what Shiro has done for Keith’s development, because the answer is–way more than anybody else. We’ve already established that, in Keith’s own words, Shiro has 1) Completely changed his life, and 2) Has been the only person to never abandon him. Not Lance. Not Allura. Not Team Voltron. Just Shiro. When Keith goes through his BOM trial, arguably one of his paramount moments of character development, who spurs that growth and change? Shiro. Shiro was the one by his side the entire time, the one he desperately wanted to see, the person who came rushing to his aid immediately.

There’s a reason none of the other paladins appear to tempt Keith. It’s because his bond with Shiro was always what mattered most, the most tempting lure his mind could offer. And it’s how much he cares for Shiro that becomes his salvation as well. “Nothing was worth Shiro’s pain.” That’s why he gives up the knife and is able to awaken his blade.

Or, let’s talk about season 3, how Keith only pilots the Black Lion to honor Shiro’s wishes, how he’s the one we feel Shiro’s loss through, how he’s searching for a way to save him the entire time. How there are numerous parallels between sheith and zaggar, how their storylines inevitably intertwine, echoing a tragedy of 10,000 years ago as they tempt the same fate. Let’s talk about how Keith and Shiro’s bond is one of the main overarching themes, as is Keith’s devoted loyalty to Shiro, his vow to save him “As many times as it takes,” just like how Zarkon risks everything to save Haggar before him.

Or, let’s talk about Keith’s galra nature. How Shiro was the only one who accepted him without question and immediately showed his unconditional support. Let’s talk about how he’s been helping Keith embrace his identity long before that. How galra suffer from very volatile, painfully, viscerally intense emotions. How Keith was unequipped to handle those feelings, never grew up with essential coping mechanisms. How it was Shiro who was able to help him remain calm and taught him vital coping methods to stave off sensory overload. As Lauren clarified, these volatile emotions are an inherently galran trait, and it’s understandable that this would cause immense stress and meltdowns. Shiro was the only one able to alleviate that pain, to try and help anchor Keith and teach him how to cope:

Joaquim: “[Keith] latches onto Shiro at times because Shiro’s sort of the only thing that can really calm him down and keep him in check.” (source).

Lauren: “It’s kind of exasperated by the fact that Shiro’s gone. Like he’s having a hard time dealing with it, he doesn’t really know how to feel. And I think he just goes back to that inner part of himself where it’s just—he can’t control his emotions. And that comes from the galra side.” (source).

Similarly, Alfor mentions that Honerva really “softened up” Zarkon. In much the same way, Shiro was able to help Keith. And we know those grounding methods really stuck with him and continue to be helpful over a year later, because Keith still uses them when he’s overwhelmed. That’s why his mantra is “Patience yields focus.” “That really stayed with you, didn’t it?” It did, and it meant more to Keith than he could say. In light of all that, I don’t see how Shiro’s just “holding him back.”

Or, let’s consider season 4, and how a big part of why Keith even left the team was for Shiro’s sake. Because he believed in Shiro. Or, to quote one of my previous meta:

Just like he’s always believed. “Shiro, you are the rightful leader of this team. And you proved it today by reconnecting with the Black Lion. It was always meant to be yours.” A good portion of the reason why he even distanced himself from the team in the first place is because he refuses to take Shiro’s place away from him, because he still believes in him more than anything. And that’s directly stated on the show–“He can finally be the leader I was unable to be. I’m not meant to pilot the Black Lion.” “Is that why you’ve been pulling away from us?”

To say that Shiro has stunted Keith’s character development when he’s proven to be a major catalyst for a lot of Keith’s growth and motives is just…incredibly counterintuitive. Even more so when you consider that having Keith lose Shiro for good would go against the heart and soul of the story. Zarkon was very attached to Honerva as well, and he ended up making a poor decision that caused a lot of destruction. But the point isn’t “you have to give up on the people you love” or “you have to make these kinds of sacrifices.” That was never the point. Because Keith already lost Shiro twice. He never properly moved on from the grieving phase during Kerberos. If the lesson he needed to learn was, You have to let Shiro go, then why have Keith painfully endure the entire mourning process again just to ultimately tear Shiro away from him?

Keith having someone to believe in isn’t childish. He doesn’t need to grow out of trust. Quite the contrary, the fact that he was able to open up so much to Shiro at all represents some much needed, monumental character development. He tenses up when others hug him, but with Shiro he melts. He and Shiro allow each other to see vulnerabilities they never bare to anyone else. Keith has lived his whole life shoving others away in fear of rejection. To say that he needs to let go of the one person he loves and trusts unconditionally, the single person that Keith’s let down all his walls around–that’s a severe loss of character development. As is trying to teach him the lesson that he’ll never be happy, that he must always sacrifice again and again, that there’s no way for love to win. “As many times as it takes.” He’s staying with Shiro until the very end. That’s who he is.

And Shiro’s so much more than just a stepping stone for Keith. He’s his own person too, and he and Keith mutually rely on one another even when torn apart by the universe.

#sheith #voltron #keith #shiro #takashi shirogane

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xtruss · 3 years

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The Top Reason I Hate Masks Is They Force Me To Live By Lies

Being forced to wear a mask is being forced to communicate that I support treating COVID-19 as if it should take priority over everything else in life. That's not only false, but evil.

— By Joy Pullmann | September 8, 2021 | Source: The Federalist

Throughout the last year, I’ve read a lot of masking arguments but none that broached my top objection: mask mandates force me to communicate what I believe are very dangerous lies.

Even if masks ultimately do provide some small reduction in coronavirus spread without imposing additional harms, a contentious claim, to me that is almost beside the point. The point is the security theater, which assumes that drastic government micromanagement of our lives and indefinite curtailment of our liberties are not only ever acceptable but in fact the moral thing to do.

I’m not talking about high-risk situations like nursing homes or hospitals or the homes of cancer patients, where I am willing to mask and sanitize and so forth for the chance it may indeed protect highly vulnerable people. I’m talking about in normal life, in public settings. Despite what people have been shanghaied into assuming, these are low-risk environments and should be treated as such.

Far above and beyond any health considerations, masking is a symbol. It is a talisman, a ritual, a communication of premises that I utterly reject. Being forced to wear a mask to me is the equivalent of being forced to wear a T-shirt that supports legalized abortion, which I believe is mass murder.

Wearing a mask communicates that I accept the premise that everyone should wear a mask, even if vaccinated, even if possessing natural antibodies, even if a child to whom the flu is more dangerous, even if an adult who believes living with risk is part of human life and that attempting to eliminate risk is more dangerous than accepting it. It communicates that the entire world should look like a hospital, a fearful and sad place where people are desperately sick, even if they don’t know it.

It communicates that I believe harassing the living hell out of Americans is a justified response to a disease with a 99.5 percent survival rate or better for those younger than 65. It communicates that it is reasonable to worship health as an idol, and to control citizens with fear. Well, I simply don’t believe any of that, and I’m not going to be forced to communicate that I do.

Yes, I could be wrong both about abortion, masking, and every other thing I believe. But it used to be considered an American thing for others to “defend to the death” my right to express what I believe, even by those who vehemently disagree with the content of my beliefs and speech.

Now I’m told by people who identify even as libertarians that I do not have the right to my own opinion about the post-totalitarian COVID regime, or that if I may hold my opinion privately I certainly cannot live in accord with my beliefs. Clearly, America has fundamentally changed. I oppose that fundamental transformation, too.

I’ve recently been reading and rereading communist dissident Vaclav Havel’s famous essay, “The Power of the Powerless,” in an attempt to make more sense out of how to live in our time. I find myself applying his insights to multiple current issues, including this one.

Havel famously uses the example of a greengrocer putting the Marxist slogan “Workers of the world unite!” in his shop window to analyze the power dynamics in what he calls a “post-totalitarian” society. It was a little startling to me how closely his observations of living in a Communist Bloc country paralleled my daily experiences under the COVID regime.

Havel makes it clear that whether the grocer believes the slogan is immaterial. Probably, he says, the man does not. But he conforms to the demands made of him, even when they contradict reality and good sense, because if he doesn’t he will be punished.

In posting signs of affirmation of their regime, “The greengrocer and the office worker have both adapted to the conditions in which they live, but in doing so, they help to create those conditions,” Havel writes. “…Quite simply, each helps the other to be obedient. Both are objects in a system of control, but at the same time they are its subjects as well. They are both victims of the system and its instruments.”

As with the masks, whether “Workers of the world unite!” is true is beside the point. The point is signaling compliance out of fear, not an honest discussion of the evidence, or persuasion, or any mechanism respecting the informed and open consent of the governed.

“The greengrocer had to put the slogan in his window, therefore, not in the hope that someone might read it or be persuaded by it, but to contribute, along with thousands of other slogans, to the panorama that everyone is very much aware of,” notes Havel. “This panorama, of course, has a subliminal meaning as well: it reminds people where they are living and what is expected of them. It tells them what everyone else is doing, and indicates to them what they must do as well, if they don’t want to be excluded, to fall into isolation, alienate themselves from society, break the rules of the game, and risk the loss of their peace and tranquility and security.”

This is what mask mandates achieve — a false signal that dissenters don’t exist, that everyone buys into the indefinite suspension of our rights “because COVID,” no matter how much it harms people, nor how weak its alleged rationales. This was confirmed for me when my governor finally let his mask mandate lapse. Suddenly, after I had been for months nearly the only person I ever saw without a mask, now almost nobody wore them.

And it wasn’t because everyone was vaccinated, as government statistics show the majority are not. So it was clear that the vast majority of my fellow citizens were obeying the mandate simply because it was a mandate, not because they fully supported it. Yet their compliance communicated the falsehood that the COVID regime had mass support. And that is exactly the point.

Citizens’ assistance to a lying and oppressive regime, Havel says, changes those who corrupt themselves in this way: “they may learn to be comfortable with their involvement, to identify with it as though it were something natural and inevitable and, ultimately, so they may — with no external urging — come to treat any non-involvement as an abnormality, as arrogance, as an attack on themselves, as a form of dropping out of society.”

In other words, falsifying reality brings about more of that falsified reality. It’s the same dynamic as gang initiations requiring initiates to commit crimes. Once people have compromised themselves, they are more likely to identify with their compromise, because it’s embarrassing to admit you were wrong. So instead, people double down. They heap onto their initial cowardice the additional cowardice of refusing to admit they could have been wrong.

This also helps account for the viciousness with which people often treat dissenters. Dissenters are living proof that everyone does not have to comply, that it is possible to live in the truth. This shames those who have chosen temporary comfort over noble sacrifice.

The greengrocer who does not display the sign, Havel says, is soundly punished by his peers precisely because “He has shown everyone that it is possible to live within the truth. Living within the lie can constitute the system only if it is universal. The principle must embrace and permeate everything. There are no terms whatsoever on which it can coexist with living within the truth, and therefore everyone who steps out of line denies it in principle and threatens it in its entirety.”

The crumbling of the Soviet Union began when people “came to realize that not standing up for the freedom of others, regardless of how remote their means of creativity or their attitude to life, meant surrendering one’s own freedom,” Havel writes. There came a point when more people realized that the price of staying silent, of accepting lies, was too much.

Do we need an Afghanistan-level catastrophe for more Americans to realize their acceptance of lockdowns, which mask-wearing signals, is just as deadly? Statists are more than happy to oblige. But the longer we take to wake up, the worse the suffering must be.

— Joy Pullmann is executive editor of The Federalist, a happy wife, and the mother of six children. Her newest ebook is a design-your-own summer camp kit, and her bestselling ebook is "Classic Books for Young Children." Sign up here to get early access to her next full-length book, "How To Control The Internet So It Doesn’t Control You." A Hillsdale College honors graduate, @JoyPullmann is also the author of "The Education Invasion: How Common Core Fights Parents for Control of American Kids," from Encounter Books.

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peter-horrocks · 4 years

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Inside France review of 2020

People around the world will be thinking that 2020 has been the most testing and unpredictable of years in our lifetime. Yet despite the turmoil, for some it was a good year, though undoubtedly tinged with a sense of sadness, bewilderment as to how insensitive and selfish many humans can be and admiration for how amazing many people are too. On a personal front this was a good year in many ways, though my perspective is not your average as the previous year I was fighting a battle with cancer and practically anything is better than that.

“Real generosity toward the future lies in giving all to the present.” Albert Camus

My best photo of 2020 taken on a bike ride up the Gorge du Loup near Grasse

The obvious dominant subject of 2020 was Covid 19 and I have great empathy for those adversely affected and directly involved. The virus popped up out of no-where and its impact has been incessant ever since. When I first became aware of it I asked my physiotherapist what she thought and if her son who was working in Tokyo was concerned. “Oh Corona, comme la bierre, boff!!” was her flippant reply. And I think that is where most people were at.

I’ve read a number of good books about the plague and how it spread, including Ken Follet’s brilliant World Without End and more recently I enjoyed the French classic La Peste by Albert Camus, French version. Transmission is key and human habits are why it spreads and our inability to adapt and accept change are our shortcomings, poor governance adds frustration. Thank goodness there are also those we acclaim as heroes too. It is so difficult battling an unseen entity which affects some badly but not others and which adapts too, as we all know now.

Home made mask

The media feeds on it and frankly, if I had a euro for every time I’ve seen a cotton bud thrust up someone’s nose on the news (what is news about that!!!) my pockets would be bulging, and of course now its needles in the arm time. Everyone’s become an expert or they’ve chosen to be ostrich’s and stuck their head firmly in the sand, and you can’t blame them really. The tension is palpable when it comes to masks in places where they are obligatory, I can’t help feeling angry when I see people not wearing them or with their noses poking out, as they often seem to have that smug look about them, like they are sooo independent-minded. It frustrates me to feel judgemental but its that wilful selfish thing that makes me angry, that sullen unwillingness to be part of the collective, as if we could survive regardless as an island, though obviously, we wouldn’t last a minute.

We’ve all been finding our way of coping and for some, it is much more difficult than others. At first, it was almost amusing to find oneself running from the back end of the apartment to the front balcony and back, repeat, for an hour in an effort to keep fit during tight confinement. We exchanged improvised mask ideas; I had a ski snood with a coffee filter stuffed down it! Initially, we were told the masks didn’t really work. The truth was they didn’t have enough of them and even worse here in France they had recently binned the reserve stock, so they were trying to hide their embarrassment. In fairness, that apart, the French government seem to have handled managing the virus relatively well so far though now there are vaccination issues aggravated by a vaccine sceptic population and slow bureaucracy.

There was something marvellous about discovering how well you could keep connected with friends and loved ones through WhatsApp video in particular. I hadn’t felt so connected to my elder brother living in South Africa ever. But when he died of a heart attack out walking in the hills with his friends over there the reality hit hard. A big delay in getting him back to the UK, a bigger delay for his wife to follow on and no opportunity to share in the grieving in the direct company of my family. There were seven of us brothers and sisters and I am by far the youngest, it is sad, strange and destabilising being down to six.

Additional anxiety was for my younger daughter who is a recently qualified doctor as is the man in her life. Both were having a small break before taking up their proper postings in the summer. They were enjoying hiking in the wilds of Scotland and a holiday with family in Asia and looking forward to more carefree travel after so many years of medical studies. They both bravely and unselfishly volunteered to work in one of the worst Covid affected hospitals in the UK. Heavily involved with the thankless task of informing families of their loss by video conference and in the testing of the recently approved Oxford vaccine, they were literally in the thick of it. Within two weeks of starting as volunteers, they both caught the virus, thankfully not badly and after an isolation period, they were straight back onto the wards. They have both taken up their proper posts now, in London, as the third wave comes crashing through. Understandably they are tired and don’t want to talk about it, it is very difficult, especially for them.

My elder daughter got caught up in things too. She was on a humanitarian posting in Nepal when the outbreak struck and only got out on the last plane to leave Kathmandu for the UK. Having a day off she had gone hang gliding in the morning, a first for her, an amazing thrill, she had just sent me photographs showing her flying, of stupendous views of the local lake and the Annapurna mountain range. Only to return and be told she had to pack and leave immediately. The next photo was of a night-time, deserted, frightening-looking Kathmandu where she managed to find one of the last hotels still open, a rough one. To say I was relieved when she got home and met up at the airport with her sister who similarly got the last plane out of Shri Lanka is an understatement. Thankfully, she managed to see out the first wave and much of the summer with the family of her friend who owns a nice property in the countryside near the sea, well away from it all.

Kathmandu in lockdown taken by my daughter

My anxiety and personal need were a desire to help them. Being stuck here in France and relatively at risk myself my options were limited. My main concern was for their mental health as my guess was that Covid was likely to affect everybodies. Shortly after my cancer treatment, my French wife’s sister gave me a couple of books by a French author, meditation master and philosopher Fabrice Midal. One was an introduction to meditation for westerners, non-religious and based on attention, more of an awakening and relevant to actually living life actively, not at all mind closing and definitely not relaxation. I found it very wise and tried the meditation in addition to my gentle yoga which is for my relaxation when I’m not out for a walk, playing football or cycling up a mountain. I still meditate and have found it fascinating, paying attention to the functioning of the most important thing of all, the one we nearly all neglect, the brain. Its no cure for anything but I found it a good exercise and felt it may help my girls.

Meditation book by Fabrice Midal, in french.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t exist in English. So I contacted the author and asked if he would mind me translating it, explaining that I thought it would help my daughters. To my surprise, he promptly replied and agreed saying he could probably then use it to publish it online. So, I set about translating it and explained what I was doing to my daughters and the eldest volunteered to proofread. Its nearly done and I can say that my eldest daughter found it very helpful and the youngest has at least read some of it. I had never translated a whole book before and I found it an interesting experience especially as a philosopher weighs his words and each one counts. Fabrice Midal appears regularly on French television as he is one of the country’s leading philosophers and authors. I have read a fair bit of Greek philosophy and have always had some interest in the subject as I find it helps make sense of life, up to now I was not aware of any contemporary philosophers worth reading. I have found him to be a real ray of light, someone I can relate to and admire and learn from. I think he deserves to be read more throughout the world; he is a man of the moment in my opinion. I never thought I’d see the day when I would sit on a meditation cushion, I don’t buy into the way most of it is practised at all, but I’m glad to have found one that suits me and I’m very glad to have been able to help my daughters if only in a small way.

Brexit end game After an anxious wait it's done and dusted, well nearly. I have made my permanent residency application, which was relatively simple and not too onerous, and I have a holding number and a statement that my rights in France continue as before. The only problem is a final processing delay of at least three months so still waiting to cross the t’s and dot the i’s when the administration is ready.

The mood in France Given the circumstances its not too bad and whist the government has its detractors they are less visible due to the various constraints at the moment and the more pressing business of dealing with the Covid crisis. There is moaning when things are obviously wrong but there does seem to be reactivity too as well as a good degree of solidarity, responsibility and helpfulness.

Best cultural moments Well, there haven’t been any as everything is shut and even when a few things like cinemas were open there was nothing much good on and certainly nothing worth risking being indoors with other people.

First day on the beach at Fréjus after lockdown number one

Best experience Stepping back out onto the football pitch in Saint Cezaire-Sur-Siagne was enormous for me. During my cancer treatment, I never thought I would be able to play football again. It’s a very simple thing kicking a ball around with fellow human beings, but I’ve always loved it to bits. Also in between lockdowns we managed to get down to the beach at Fréjus a couple of times in the morning when there were few people around and it was a real tonic to be able to enjoy the sea and sun, it was equally uplifting to be able to ride up into the mountains on my bike occassionally though hard getting the muscles going again each time.

Looking down towards the Gorge du Loup

Precious family moments The top was a visit from my elder daughter who managed to stay with us for a couple of weeks before getting back to the UK on the last flight before the second lockdown. A huge pickup, I enjoyed catching up with her work teaching online and coaching and being able to be there for her as well as visiting some nice places outdoors, especially the observatory at Caussols.

And we also managed a lovely stay in a chalet in the high French Alps at Les Menuires in August along with my French wife’s daughters, son in law and five grandchildren, the sun shone on the verdant valley by day and the stars lit up our evening walks up the mountain, it was quite magical and great fun, I felt privileged to be part of it.

Selling my Dordogne property

I’ve finally given up on the idea that I might do something with my property in the Dordogne one day, so I’m selling it. It is composed of a beautiful big barn which I had re-roofed and opened some window openings at the start of a conversion (which I had planning for, now lapsed, but easy to re-new). Also a ruined small farmhouse. There is electricity and water but no drains (I did get permission for a septic tank but we never got round to installing it). Both are set on 1 hectare of land, mainly secluded, just one neighbour masked by trees and bushes on my side. 3km from the village of Montagrier near Périgueux. Price is 120,000 euros. If you know anyone who might be interested please let me know.

Classic 2cv It has been very enjoyable working with Classic 2cv again this year. We have brought lots of rusting old parts back to life and supplied enthusiasts far and wide with the means to keep their charming old French cars on the road. I have learned a lot and continue to grow in experience on the classic car front. Oddly its thrived during lockdowns as folk have channelled their time and energy into restoration of their cars.

So, as we head into the new year after a year like no other, the future looks uncertain, climate change and a biodiversity crisis are looming large in addition to the Covid virus. It feels important to survive, work, make the most of things, care about loved ones and to try and help.

Best wishes

Peter H

#2020 #Inside France review

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starsaboveyouadoption · 4 years

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love comes in layers - 1 year, 4 lessons

Originally, I had intended this entry as a reflection on my first 100 days as an adoptive parent. At the time of writing, as a bank of entries ready to start Stars Above You with, it felt an apt starting place. With Covid and Lockdown and the haze of limbo in between, the months rolled on, and before I knew it, we made it to an even bigger milestone – one year together as an adoptive family, or as we call it, our first “Family Day”.

Post-adoption, it’s amazing how you enter a strange dual-edged time warp, where time simultaneously seems to be racing away from you and you can’t believe how far you’ve come as a family, whilst also being able to recall some of the really raw moments early on as if they were yesterday. With that in mind, I thought I’d revisit the half-finished draft of this post, and inject some “1 year on” lessons into it as I went along. So what follows are my reflections on adoption 1 year on, for whatever they may be worth to you as someone starting out (in which case I hope they serve as a heads up to what you may go on to feel/experience yourself, though every road is different), or as someone walking along the same path as me now, still a relatively newly formed family with a lot of miles still to travel, but at least some of the road behind.

________________________________________________________________

It was around the time of the juncture that I mentioned, as I was lying down on the floor of Little Star’s nursery waiting the obligatory 5 minutes after they’d nodded off for their morning nap to make my ninja-esque escape out of the small crack in the door left ajar, that a realisation struck. We’d survived our first 100 days of adoptive parenting. Somebody else looking at the scene may have read this as a parenting fail. At 16 months, Little Star still needed the reassurance of me lying on the floor next to their crib, playing the same lullaby tune on our white noise machine that we’d been dependent on since only a few weeks after they came home, while they fell asleep. They still needed (up until pretty recently) a dummy to soothe them, a specific comfort blanket made by my Mum given to them in introductions to snuggle up to, lots of quite prolonged winding down time ahead of going upstairs, and for me to wait at least 5 minutes, if not longer, before attempting my escape lest they wake up again, scream their head off and refuse to go back down, leaving a very grumpy toddler (and Mummy) for the rest of the day.

But to us (and especially to me), this was an absolute win. We were no longer having to rock endlessly to sleep, dependent on TV programmes for Little Star to understand it was sleep time. We were no longer spending the first 20 minutes of what would usually be a 45 minute nap anxiously hovering over the monitor to check if they were going to jolt awake any minute and hear that angry battle cry, or getting through umpteen bottles of Calpol in our guesses as to whether their restlessness was linked to toothache, tummy pain, reflux, or just general toddler stubbornness and FOMO. We were finally (finally) able to put Little Star to sleep through a short series of little rituals that worked for them, taking far less out of our down time than before – able to put them down in the cot to (semi) self soothe without too much fuss, and at last able to sleep most nights and enjoy most nap breaks without the constant feeling of anxiety and exhaustion from second guessing what might happen next. In short, we’d found a system that was working for us.

I thought back to the immediate fortnight after Little Star moved in, probably some of the toughest days of my life. The moments of joy and awe at having this little bundle sleeping upstairs on good nights felt like winning the lottery, but for those first weeks and months, more nights than not were spent feeling drained from a whole host of pressures – trying to “read” Little Star (but, if babies don’t come with a manual, trying to read your adoptive baby’s cues when you’ve known them for a matter of days or weeks feels like trying to interpret hieroglyphics). Trying to “keep up” with the Mummy world’s expectations of what Little Star “should” be doing at their age (you know exactly what I’m talking about I’m sure). Trying to build up some semblance of a routine amidst the chaos. Trying to mourn our old lives (even though Little Star was so wanted). Trying to be the parents we’d told ourselves (and others) we’d be. And everything in between. Trying to be perfect.

If someone asked me the overarching word I would use to describe our first month at home with Little Star, I would either say “mind-blowing” (in all the right ways), but also, without a doubt, “isolating”. The loneliness was palpable. We’ve talked about this in a previous blog but as a reminder, in adoption, the general wisdom is that when you bring your child home, you need a period of several weeks to establish yourselves as a family, and for your child to settle before meeting any visitors, even close family. This is referred to as “cocooning” and is a vital step of the moving in process (I can now see how important this was with hindsight). However, with all of the benefits this brings for bonding as a family unit, it does rob you of the opportunity that most new parents get of seeing a friendly face amongst the stress, being able to accept a helping hand in their care when days get rough, and maintaining perspective. You feel (and pretty much are) living in a bubble, and while usually this bubble actually only lasts a few weeks, at the time it feels so intense. And to top it all off, I put myself under so much pressure. Pressure that I can now see in retrospect I had no business putting myself under. So for those of you considering adoption, or maybe especially those of you who may be in the period leading up to meeting or bringing your child home, for what it’s worth, this is my learning from our first 100 days (or 1 year!)…

Let go of conventional parenting wisdom

We had this drilled into us repeatedly throughout our assessment, but somehow, it never really sticks. When you’re new to being a parent, and in our case going in “cold” to a toddler with an established personality, who wasn’t carried by you, hasn’t spent the first year of their life growing up in your home environment, doesn’t know how to read you nor you to read them, and hasn’t had the same stability, security or opportunities as other children to start them off in life (not to mention an added dollop of trauma, grief and loss) – I can tell you now that most of what you read in baby magazines and online articles, how your friends and relatives parent their babies, what the health visitor, GP, or especially bloody Mumsnet says about what your baby “should” be doing by now, categorically will not apply (at least for some time). Many adoptive parents come up against the myth (which we will explore soon!) that if they adopt a baby who is relatively young or from birth, that child will not be affected by their adoption and will largely be “normal” – and thus should you notice any differences these are all in your head as an over-protective earth Mum type. I’m here to tell you that any child development or adoption expert will confirm that the evidence suggests this is absolutely not the case and even babies adopted from birth will already have had experiences, traumas and risks associated with their early and in-utero development that mean conventional parenting wisdom will often not apply.

In those early months, and maybe for much longer than that, give yourself a break. Of course, it’s important to identify if your child is not meeting extremely crucial developmental milestones that may indicate additional needs or support requirements. But please do not get yourself wound up about any of the following as I did:

· Whether your child can self-soothe to sleep. This is in my experience of the most dominant narratives within Western parenting advice. That at a mere 4 months old or so, your baby should be capable of settling themselves to sleep with no help from you, and that if you do need to help them, you are setting them up for a life of stunted development, and “making a rod for your own back”. Notwithstanding the rant I could go on about my feelings on this for any baby, for adoptive parents specifically I would really warn against absorbing too much of this messaging. As my intro alluded to, my partner and I were at our wits’ end at times trying to help our elder baby learn how to self-soothe better to sleep, and it was causing us some problems, but we got there in the end, and crucially, the biggest problem of all that we stressed about was that we “shouldn’t” be doing this and that. A lot of the time we realised if we were honest that the things it took to get Little Star to settle to sleep weren’t usually a big deal for us but we were hyper aware of social expectations around it and started tying ourselves in knots to push them before they were ready to be capable of sleeping the way many Western birth children do. Because we were worried what people might think. Which actually as it happened, was largely unfounded as mostly people are too concerned about their own parenting neurosis to contribute to yours, and your loved ones won’t be taking anywhere near as much interest in it as you are. There was the odd comment here and there from certain quarters but nothing I couldn’t usually put down to well-meaning, if misplaced and slightly unsolicited, advice. My take on it is – it is far more important in those early days and weeks to provide your child with some continuity as they ease from their foster placement to your home, than to try to keep up with the Joneses on this one. However, a caveat to this is if it causing you and/or your partner problems, then of course your wellbeing is a priority and it absolutely makes sense to try what you can to make things easier on yourself. Sometimes easier means trying something new. For us, a lot of the time, easier meant keeping to what was familiar for Little Star, and only making very gradual incremental changes over a longer period of time. Something I’ll always remember is our social worker saying to us at one particularly neurotic check in, “you don’t see many 5-year olds needing to be rocked to sleep at night. So, rest assured, Little Star will get there in their own time”. This is a very common issue for adoptive babies, and every adoptive parent I’ve spoken to on this subject has agreed - throw the “rulebook” out the window, and do what works for your child and your family. Any extra soothing time is extra bonding opportunities as far as we are concerned.

· What they’re eating and how they’re eating it. As it happens, we are fortunate that by and large, Little Star is not a fussy eater, with a good appetite, and mostly, will eat what’s put in front of them so we manage to maintain a relatively healthy diet. However, they, like many toddlers, have gone through times of fussiness, food refusal, screaming at the highchair, throwing their food at the cat, and spitting everything out. Many adoptive parents will say that they haven’t always been super on board with the food their little one was fed in foster care, and they would have chosen to do things differently if they’d had their baby from birth, but that by the time they’ve met their child, their eating habits are quite established, and it’s been hard to move them on to a rainbow of 10 a day when they’re refusing everything but chicken nuggets (especially older children!). The main message I’ve picked up from more seasoned adopters in this area is – don’t sweat the small stuff (at least for now). There will come a day you might want to step up those gradual changes I talked about earlier, but usually the more immediate and important emotional need is to offer your child comforting familiarity, a sense of security about food, and not inadvertently create any anxieties around meal times, especially when you are trying to establish meal times as a family bonding opportunity. For older adopted children who may have lived in their birth homes before being in foster care, food can be a very common area for anxiety. Some may have experienced not knowing where their next meal is coming from or food being removed as inappropriate punishment, and sometimes overfeeding is a factor in neglect/abuse (we hadn’t realised this until we did our prep training). Therefore, it is very common for adopted children to develop insecurities about food, hoard or steal food, or develop anxiety about there being enough to go round. This isn’t exclusive to those who have grown up in their birth family’s care – sometimes even the knowledge of poverty in their life history is enough for some children to develop unhealthy attachments. We don’t believe this to be an issue for our Little Star, but many adopters have shared their experiences with this, and the general consensus seems to be, not to make food a battleground, to do what gets you through and to not force major changes upon your child within the first 5 minutes.

Now, what we did have is some commentary about Little Star having not been able to feed themself with a spoon at a slightly older age than the “norm”, having been still used to some “baby food” when they came home, and still taking quite a few bottles at an age where they would probably be expected to have dropped them. These sound like trivial things but when you are continually met with surprise that they are still on the bottle, or haven’t practiced some of their motor skills yet, it can be hard not to feel defensive or worried. The bottle thing really got to me for a while – quite a few well-meaning people questioned why we weren’t changing this, or why we still give Little Star a night time bottle, or why they had it in their crib to get to sleep. It’s taken a lot of blocking this stuff out and trying to stay true to our instincts but thankfully we’ve persevered with what worked for us. And lo and behold, Little Star started feeding themselves one day – with a little bit of practice and praise, they’re doing just fine!

· Walking, talking and other milestones. Should you have reason to believe/know your child has formal development delay, then of course this is not applicable. However outside of this, do try not to worry if your child isn’t as early a blossomer as other children you know. Often adopted children, even those without specific additional needs, can be slightly delayed in starting these things, mostly because they’ve had a level of disruption in their first year(s) which other children usually don’t. Even with all the best encouragement and intentions of foster parents, if a child has had a number of moves, shared their home with other foster children, or even has been in the process of being prepared for their move to you at a crucial time in “typical” development, they may not have had the opportunity to practice key skills as often. Little Star was on the later side of walking – they’d been cruising for ages but our foster parents shared that they’d hung back on encouraging them as they were due to move in with us imminently and wanted us to experience this milestone which we thought was thoughtful of them. It’s worth remembering that for even the loveliest foster parents in the world, they are often balancing the needs of several children within the same home, and with the best will in the world, won’t always be able to provide the intensity of “coaching” around these things as a parent would focusing solely on their one child. Personally, we were bowled over by how conscientious our foster family were in nurturing Little Star’s abilities, but certainly there were things that they just took a little longer to do, because of the impact of transitions. If a child is trying to get used to a whole new life, their little brain may not be able to focus on everything all at once. It’s also quite possible that foster parents will parent differently to how you might choose to – may naturally encourage or not particularly focus on certain aspects of development that you might see as important, and vice versa. I wish I’d been kinder to myself about these things – trust me, it’ll happen in time.

Your child may not be the “same” child you meet in introductions.

Recently I was watching the movie Instant Family and laughing out loud, relating to the moment that the previously smug adoptive parents realise that their well-behaved brood are in their “honeymoon phase” and hell on earth is waiting to be unleashed! So…one consistent thing I have heard almost every adoptive parent I know speak about is that they have been surprised by how differently their child behaved, or presented, once home a little while. This is particularly poignant for older children, but certainly there are some truths with babies. In the adoption community we talk about the “honeymoon phase” and are warned to see this coming on our preparation course (though of course you never really do!)

Little Star came across as a very placid, easy-going baby during introductions with their foster family over the course of a week. They appeared to be a very good sleeper, very adaptable to changes in routine, and quite happy-go-lucky. We also sighed a huge breath of relief when they fell asleep perfectly on the first few nights – maybe we were so in tune with our baby that we had seamlessly transitioned them to their new life…? Fast forward 1 week, not quite so. Little Star was having episodes of waking up screaming for 2 hours at night, refusing naps and/or food, and acting cranky for what felt like endless hours. None of the sleep cues we were told about and actually tried successfully in introductions were working, we had no idea how to soothe Little Star when they became distressed, and it felt like an enigma to work out what they wanted. We had some really low moments in those first few weeks, and if you’re not prepared for that happening, it can hit you like a train. I will also add that a year on as Little Star has grown to an older toddler, we have had multiple sleep regressions where even when we have established key routines, these have then been undone, and to this day Little Star finds it very difficult to self soothe, and still reflects the description of them as a younger baby as a “fractious cryer”. The depressing truth, unfortunately, is that we have yet to find anything that “works”, if they do wake. If there was one aspect of their behaviour that I would see as affected by in-utero development, it would be this.

The first few days were something akin I suppose to those first few days with any new baby. You are so in awe of this new bundle of joy, and they perhaps excited about the novelty of their new surroundings, that you can get lulled into a false sense of security – and so when the inevitable hits you, you can feel like a failure. I’m here to tell you that this will happen at some point, but please try not to beat yourself up, or assume you are useless parents!

When you think about it, it’s actually entirely logical that your child would behave differently. If they’re older, perhaps they’re testing boundaries to see how far they can push you before you’ll give up on them like other adults in their life? Adopted children have left everything they’ve come to know behind. Familiar sights, smells, sounds, routines. The bond they’ve created with their foster family, all those little day to day things that make them feel safe and secure. This point really hit home to me when I tried to imagine, having had Little Star home for nearly 6 months, somebody else now coming along, taking them back to their house and “starting again” with everything. I couldn’t even imagine what they would go through.

Trauma and loss are so integral to the adoption journey, and your child will exhibit signs of this at some stage in those early days. For Little Star, they went from being a champion sleeper at the drop of a hat, to am anxious, screaming baby who was inconsolable at times, and who didn’t appear to like us very much at others. This was so different to our experience with them in our first week that I think we went into shock, and this can be the time when relationships are really tested. I remember endlessly questioning if I’d made a huge mistake, genuinely believing I couldn’t do it, planning my days hour to hour to get myself through, and sitting sobbing in front of Little Star’s highchair on those dark days with this knot of anxiety in my belly that I didn’t think would ever go away. For me, looking back, knowing what I know now, I would have sought help and talked to people about how I was feeling a lot sooner. I did reach out to a few close family members, but I was so worried about what people would think and say if I admitted I was struggling that I didn’t ask for as much help as I needed at the time. I imagined that I would be met with “what did you expect?” and feel shamed, so I largely said nothing. This is where it doesn’t always help that adoption can be quite romanticised. A lot of well-meaning people comment on how beautiful it all is, how “lucky” your little one is (more of that another time!!), and try to make you feel better with basically saying how “normal” certain behaviours are for babies/children of their age. But there’s nothing normal about being plonked into those behaviours cold, at an age where you child has already developed a personality of their own, and when you have no experience of how babies work, or more importantly much sense of how this baby works! On top of which you are being expected to practically isolate in your home for 2 weeks which is not natural when most people have new babies. You can feel like there’s some invisible parenting manual out there that everyone else is reading and you’ve missed in the post.

Needless to say, these times fade away as your child grows to build attachments with you, and your confidence will increase, I promise you, to the point where you’ll struggle to remember in the future how you ever felt that way. But even though it all seems like a foggy dream now, I know that I did feel that way, and it was really awful at the time. Please know you are not alone. Reach out for support, talk to your support network that you’ll have spent so much time articulating during your assessment (they focus on support networks for a reason!), and don’t be afraid to talk to your social worker for help – everyone is willing you to succeed. And one last thing, don’t try to be “perfect”. You don’t have to pretend every day with your child has been bliss because of a feeling of debt to the universe for this finally happening for you. You can admit you’re struggling, and still be an awesome parent.

Skip the parenting Olympics

I think this point applies equally to biological parents, but perhaps feels more poignant to adoptive parents who may, as I did, be struggling with other layers of complication which can make feelings of guilt more pointed.

When I first became a Mum, I felt really lonely. Although most of my friends actually do have children, many of them don’t live in immediate proximity, many of their children were quite a bit younger or older than Little Star at the time, and on top of that, I was cocooning with Little Star for the first month or so, so couldn’t really have seen people in person. I then had a couple of good months of meet ups where I was gradually introducing Little Star to friends and family, before Covid struck, and lockdown put a halt on any plans to start integrating them into my wider circle and get into any sense of normality with babysitting, play dates, etc. I have one friend who is also an adoptive parent with roughly the same timeline as me who has been an absolute Godsend throughout and who I was texting regularly (as I was with some other friends) but I really felt like a fish out of water in the parenting world.

On the suggestion of a colleague of my partner’s, I joined a few apps for meeting Mum friends in the local area, and I started to make a few online connections with local /online peer groups of other adoptive and biological parents. I also follow a few accounts and hashtags on Instagram I thought might help me feel I was in some company. While in many ways, this has been a positive experience and provided me with much needed peer support for times when I really needed reassurance, positivity and a forum to ask all the questions I had about raising a baby, there have also been times it’s left me feeling woefully inadequate. I always knew that there was pressure on new parents, but it wasn’t until I entered the world of #mumsofinstagram, that I realised how much frankly, bullshit, there is out there in the stratosphere. I now roll my eyes at carefully curated and filtered photos of perfection, but it’s taken (and still takes) work to recognise that my parenting is, as is another saying in the adoption world, “good enough”. So, I now consider it my civic duty to inform you if no-one else has, that to be a good enough parent, your child does not need:

· To be a yoga maestro/baby Mozart/be fluent in baby sign/to have mastered phonics by 12 months

· To have had a cake smash photoshoot, custom-made balloon arch or 100-person party for their first birthday

· To be kitted out in matching pyjamas in a whole-family photoshoot for Christmas

· To be on a daily rota of classes, groups, and Mum and baby Zoom sessions to be making the most of their potential

· The latest in the most recent trend for baby toys and accessories, especially Sophie the bloody giraffe, or £1000 10-part baby travel system from John Lewis

· To join you in an 18-photo montage on Instagram with matching Mum/Dad-and-me outfit in a carefully choreographed palette of neutral pastels

And you do not need to:

· Be eating breakfasts of runny yolked #eggporn washed down with an oat-matcha latte in a Scandinavian mug next to a roaring fire to be a #wintermummy or be making the most of your #metime

· Be wearing a fresh face of makeup and working off the cocooning weight with buggy runs to not have “lost yourself”

· Sacrifice your every waking moment to filling every second of your child’s free time with active play

· Set yourself up to be the sole foundation of your child’s happiness for them to grow up as secure, well-rounded individuals

One thing I’m grateful for (if that’s the right term) from lockdown is that just when I was starting to feel this pressure, the ability to take part in some of these presumed rights of passage was taken away, and in turn, I managed to recognise these things for largely what they are – passing trends and fads that will be replaced with new ones over and over, as part of the persistent narrative of the time about what it means to “give all” to your child. I did grieve and still feel slightly sad about, the loss of being able to socialise Little Star in the same way I may have chosen to without these circumstances but I’ve noticed that there was an unexpected opportunity for plenty of low-key bonding, attachment and gelling as a family unit that we may not have made room for in a parallel world.

Love comes in layers

And finally, I just want to end on a note that I’ll expand on far more in a future post. One of the most counter-intuitive and mind-bending things about adoption is that the typical narrative about how you are “supposed” to feel about your child may well not apply, and for good reasons. And then if you’re not careful, you can end up in an unhelpful spiral of guilt at the time you least need to be bogged down by that.

Think about meeting your partner, or when you first formed one of your close friendships. Did you fall in love with that person instantly, or did you take time to get to know them, grow affection, build intimacy and share life experiences together which became your glue? With exceptions, I would guess that the latter is far more likely. I think this is a flaw in how we as a society talk about our relationships with babies and children, not least even for biological parents, but my feeling is this is a last taboo as a society we are not yet ready to break openly.

I would wager that a huge chunk of parents don’t necessarily feel the immediate rush of unconditional love on meeting their baby or child that we are programmed to believe they do. Because to admit otherwise is a bit of a taboo in our society, and depends upon a whole host of other social issues such as post-natal depression and new parent pressures being discussed in a more open and emotionally vulnerable way, this white lie becomes a self-perpetuating social expectation. With adoption, this pressure can manifest itself particularly pointedly sometimes, because of the added layers of feelings of “less than” that can arise (and sometimes be exacerbated by) the process, and the shame attached to admitting things aren’t rosy from the get-go when outwardly you have wanted this for so long. We can feel we “owe” our child, who may have already been through traumatising experiences and loss, that immediate depth of feeling.

This is where it’s important to remember that it’s not a dichotomy – you don’t either love your child to the depths of the ocean or feel nothing for them. And struggling with new parenthood doesn’t always even equate to post-natal depression. I suspect that there is a whole spectrum of feeling as a new Mum or Dad that allows for all sorts of scenarios. Many new adopters will tell you that they felt a strong affection, and a fierce protective instinct on first bringing their child home, and a deep caring, but not necessarily true “love” for some while afterwards. And just in case nobody else tells you this, I’m here to tell you, that is normal, and that is okay. I would say my “love” for Little Star kicked in after about a month, but some will tell you it took significantly longer than that, and it doesn’t bear any reflection on how well you are caring for your child. Love just takes time.

If I did it all again, there are some things even within the adoption community I would take with a pinch of salt. Some people who I had come across via online forums or WhatsApp groups were painting a very rosy picture of life as ab adoptive parent that I felt to be inauthentic, but it didn’t help me to feel less affected by it when I was in my early days, worrying I wasn’t feeling what I “should” be. If you come across this, my advice would be to turn your focus inward to your family, your child, and your wellbeing. Adoptive parents are not immune to the Instagram filter of parenthood, and like any other human, they make mistakes and can be as guilty of misrepresentation as anyone else.

Some adoptive parents are able to identify something that kick started that feeling for them. Times like the first time their child was ill, or really needed them, or when they had to advocate for their rights, or were frightened of losing them in the ensuing legal processes, were moments of clarity for them where they realised how far their feelings had come. It’s all individual and it’s all okay. There is a saying with adoptive parenting that sometimes you have to “act as if”. For me, this meant acting “as if” in ways such as how I displayed physical affection, eye contact, care and advocacy despite not always feeling totally “there yet” and that at times, these things could feel a little unnatural or even, dare I say it, forced. The outcome being that despite some internal wobbles, what your child receives and knows is still warmth, attention and affection in the bucketloads. You will get there, and sooner than you know, you won’t need to be acting “as if” at all.

And so, I hope this blog is of some assurance to a few people out there. I certainly don’t know it all, and would be lying if I said I embody all of these principles, or remember all of these things every day, but they’ve held me in good stead for the past year, and I pass them on to you, with every hope they’ll help you on your journey.

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