#the problem which ive talked about before. is that i suck at sucking at things

[ieropski]

i kinda didnt wanna buy an electric guitar until i was like fairly okay at guitar but guitar center has some big sale going on right now and im like ... 😳

[purpurussy]

.

[fortunately-bi]

...... If I went on a hiatus for who knows how long again would y'all hate me....... 👉👈

[polyamorousmood]

Hey there :)

So I have no problem with my bf dating other people, and recently hes started having sth with someone else. Good for them! Legit, no problem with that by itself

But.. now I'm being left on read a lot, like majority of the time it feels like, no matter the topic or time. I just feel.. forgotten, I think, or replaced idk. But it feels pretty bad.

I dont want them to think I'm jealous or mad, I just wish he would still show me the same attention/care as before. Ive talked about how left on read makes me very insecure, due to fake friends and person past experiences before so I dont want to bring it up again.. but it hurts. Idk what to do?

Bad news, babe. You're gonna have to say something again. The good news though is that you can productively procrastinate it, because there's some stuff I want you to do first.

But before I get into that, I let having a cool opening distract me from very important other things that need said: That sucks, and I'm really sorry, but you can make it through this.

Now then. Time to productively procrastinate a difficult conversation. Look, I'm procrastinating it more by making it a read more! (It, um, it is A Lot. I took "blogging platform" literally on this one😅)

It sucks. Believe me, it bothers me too when I can't hear from my partner📵📴 because they're with my meta. It has been A Problem I've had to work through, so I think I'm actually pretty qualified to give advice on this.

Some of what I have to say is going to smart (old-timey word for sting) a bit, so I want to make it clear that I understand where you're coming from, so you can trust the part that stings is necessary. I imagine its something like this:

You relationship with your boyfriend is great! So great, you're happy for him to have someone else to love! That's. That's so rare and incredible, its a love beyond what most will know. And then he takes that love and wads it up and throws it in the back seat to make room for this new schmuck. The love is still there, it's just... in the back seat. And you never thought that would happen, because the relationship is so good! And you already said something, so you worry you're being a nag, which you don't want, because you ARE happy for them, you're so happy for them... except when you're not because you can't be happy when he can't be bothered to text you back. Its not really so much to ask, and you EXPLAINED why its important to you, so why doesn't he seem to care? You communicated, you did your part, and it was hard and scary! Surely harder than texting you back would be! And you don't want to feel like this, but. There's this anxiety that... shouldn't he want to text you back? Isn't that how he would act if he really did still care about you just as much?

Any of that resonate? I don't know you, so maybe some of it was way off base🎯, I don't know. But I hope enough of it was close enough to right that you know I get it when I say:

This isn't just your boyfriend fucking it up. This is, in part, probably you asking something unreasonable. To give you the exact same level of time an energy as when it was just you too is a big ask. To be able to supercede his time with the other person any time you want is a big ask. If you're only okay with your boyfriend having someone else if it doesn't cut into your time at all, how okay with it are you actually?

So before you talk to him about it, you gotta step back. Its not that you're wrong for feeling sidelined. But a poly relationship just isn't going to be the exact same as a monogamous one. It it were, I wouldn't have bothered making a blog, and I wouldn't have needed to because I wouldn't have a trail of loving, wonderful, burnt to ashes monogamous relationships behind me. Let's take a deep breath together. Pause here if you need.

Now, there are some questions here that do affect what I think would be fair. For example, if you're living with your boyfriend, and he's taking you for granted, always texting the other person when he's with you, you don't have any special time with him anymore, and then when he goes out its radio silence. That's a very different situation from you being in a long distance relationship so texting is your main form of communication/bonding and now he's got a new person that lives near him so he's with them constantly and now, what are you, chopped liver? for example. I'm going to give a list of things you might be doing that's unfair, and I want you to take a minute and evaluate as honestly as you can where you fall on that. This is a self-reflection, not an accusation, so please resist any temptations to get defensive (if you even feel them). I recommend taking out a pad of paper and committing to an answer for each. Some you may not be doing at all! Some okay maybe a little. And some now that you think about it, yeah actually, you're doing a lot. That's okay. You not handling it perfectly is okay, and doesn't mean we can't ask the boyfriend for accommodations still.

Are you valuing 1:1 time with your boyfriend as much as you're valuing (negatively) the time he spends 1:1 (not texting you) with his partner? IE, are you more bothered by him not texting you than you are appreciative when he takes time for you?

Are you texting him compulsively out of anxiety instead of because you have something more important to discuss?

Are you accidentally infringing on his other partner's time?

Are you trying to infringe on his other partner's time to reassure yourself that you're important to him?

Are you texting him to "test" him?

When you communicated that you didn't like being left on read, did you properly convey how big of a problem it is for you and what your expectations were?

When you communicated, did you allow space for negotiation and to work on the problem, or was it more like a list of demands?

Are you misplacing your feelings somehow? Is there something else that's bothering you that you don't feel comfortable bringing up?

Are you letting your anxieties run you? Is there something you could be doing to address your feelings?

Are you forgetting to weigh other allocations or shows of love he's making or you?

Is there anything else internally you might be overlooking in regards to this?

Whew! Heavy stuff. But you made it!🎉 Now, we'll dig into how his actions are making you feel. That last set was about what you could be doing better, and this one will help determine he could be doing better. But just like we weren't making accusations about you, we aren't making accusations about him either. We are assuming good faith on your boyfriend's part. This is still ultimately about your feelings and what reasonable accommodations could be made for them.

Do you feel the time allocation for you vs his other partner is fair? Why?

Does he seem to text them back more than you?

Does it seem like he's not taking your concerns seriously enough?

Does this issue look like a larger pattern? If so, what? How will that look long-term?

Has he made specific promises he hasn't kept to you in regards to this? If so, what were they and how hasn't he lived up to them?

Do you feel he's made adequate time for you to discuss concerns, or do you feel like he tries to rush through them?

Do you think he gave you a reasonably clear expectation of what him dating someone else would look like (or did he make it seem "nothing will change")?

Has he not responded to something critical?

Is there anything else he's done in regards to this that doesn't sit right with you?

You did it! 🎉Now we can officially start working on problem-solving. I imagine that was a lot more than you bargained for, for such a simple problem as "I want a text back," but its important to get everything laid out. This helps in a lot of ways. It helps guard against striking on a "solution" that isn't actually sustainable. It makes sure you're starting a discussion in good faith. And hopefully, it will help minimize having to return to the issue.

For the sake of formatting, we're going to address the questions for you first, then the questions about him, then how to have the hard conversation, then workarounds that you may not have considered that aren't really your or his problem. I actually think that third group has some of the better "quick fixes", if you can find one that works.

Starting with the questions about what you could be doing better, in order, skip any that don't apply:

Re: valuing 1:1 time -- Make active efforts to appreciate the time you do have more. Use this time as a guard against negative thoughts when he is unable to respond ("We spent all day together yesterday, a few hours today without hearing from him is fine")

Re: texting compulsively -- Be more vigilant about self-soothing. I find self-talk to be most effective for me. I cannot possibly cover everything here, but it sounds like it stirs up fears you're losing your partner. Since you cannot guarantee that will never happen, I find it most helpful to reassure myself I will be okay even if I do lose them. Another option is to make a reassurance bank, where you can store and see evidence of his affection without asking it from him. Your mileage may vary. If you really struggle with this, there's always therapy.

Re: accidental infringing -- Be more mindful of what you send. Save things that are non-urgent to discuss later, when you have his attention anyway.

Re: deliberate infringing -- Stop it. It will only strain things and make the outcomes you don't want more likely. See self-soothing. Find something else to distract you that you can put energy into.

Re: "testing" him -- See above. I know, its easier said than done. Do the hard work. That shit can ruin your life.

Re: didn't adequately express importance -- Well, its a good thing we're about to talk about it anyway! Really think through how you can explain how badly it makes you feel. We'll get into that more when we discuss How To Have the Conversation

Re: list of demands -- Well, its a good thing we're going to talk about it anyway! This time, see it as a negotiation. Ask him if that's feasible, or if its too much. But open to trying alternate solutions.

Re: misplaced feelings -- Take the advice on How To Have a Conversation and apply it to the thing that's actually the problem.

Re: managing anxieties -- Again, you'll have to find a way to self-soothe somewhat. That's not to say your partner shouldn't meet you halfway, but you do have to do your half.

Re: forgetting other expressions of love -- Literally make a list of all the things he's done/is doing for you. As many as you can think of. Add to it often. Pick a couple and do a deep dive on why that mattered so much to you and how you felt. Tell him, too. You gotta be grateful consciously, bro. This applies to all of life

Re: anything else -- Take that into account. Work on that, too, however you can. Be honest with him about your shortcomings when you address it.

A lot of these will require upkeep on your part (kind of mirrors🪞how texting you back consistently requires upkeep on his, huh?). Be prepared to discuss the changing you're going to make and have an actionable plan for them. Okay, his turn, same as before:

Re: fair time allocation -- does he need to make more time for you? Do he need to make protected time that is only for you? You said you feel forgotten, replaced, so maybe this is part of it.

Re: unequal texting -- first, consider why. If he lives with you, he's probably going to have to text the other person in front of you sometimes. If you still think its too much, again, protected time for you may be appropriate, he may need to do a better job keeping his New Relationship Energy (NRE) in check. Be prepared to discuss this, possibly including him defending himself!

Re: not taking concerns seriously -- Well, its a good thing we're discussing this again! Make sure you have an actionable, measurable metric he can do to show you progress here. (IE ❌"I need you to care more" ❌ but ✅"When you're unable to respond, I need you to say that you're busy so I know you thought of my needs" ✅)

Re: bigger patterns -- You will have to tell him you're concerned about those too. If it could become untenable for you, this will probably be a recurring discussion. Consider scheduling check-ins where you say one thing you think is going well and one thing you're worried about, for example.

Re: unkept promises -- here, you are super justified in being mad. Try not to be anyway. Try to be curious and interested in addressing the root problem. Ask him what got in his way, what middle ground he's confident he can manage. It is you and him vs the problem, even here, not you vs him.

Re: inadequate room to discuss -- Set expectations before the talk, and remind him of them if he forgets. (IE "I know this isn't nice to hear, but I need you to let me say my piece and talk through solutions, even if it takes awhile." and "I said I needed to talk through the solution. This sounds nice, but I'm concerned about X. How can we make sure that doesn't happen?") Consider reserving specific time to discuss it, consider reserving recurring time to discuss any problem, if you need it.

Re: didn't set expectations appropriately -- ask. Ask what this would ideally look like to him. If he's having trouble getting started, point out some differences you've already noticed, and ask if he thinks those are the new norm.

Re: didn't respond to something critical -- Establish a way he can see what is critical and what isn't. This might be texting something that can wait, but calling for something important, for example.

Re: anything else -- address that too. Give him a chance to explain himself. etc.

Okay, you've done everything up to this point alone. You're prepped. Now How Do You Have The Conversation?

For this type of stuff, I recommend the WIBS format. That is, "When [something happens], I feel [feelings] Because [explanation] So could you please [change]". But of course, it can't be that simple either. Critically you CANNOT say "you" before the "so could you please". The example I'm about to give is going to use the texting issue specifically, but if you've done the soul searching and found there's a bigger problem you want to address (which ngl, sounds like there might be something bigger based on what you sent), adjust accordingly! This is good general advice for any tough conversation. Anyway, here's what that might look like on the texting thing:

"When I am left on read, I feel anxious and betrayed, because I've had a lot of friendships completely fall apart, and that's always how it started. So could you please make a point to text me something when you read my message, even if its just 'lol' or you saying you want to discuss it later."

But wait a minute! That doesn't include any of the bullshit I just made you do. What the hell am I trying to pull? Okay okay, so we have to modify this a bit. Our new format is going to be something more like this: "When [something happens], I feel [feelings and impact], because [explanation]. I have tried [things you've tried], and I am still struggling because [reason why that hasn't helped, including what you could do better]. So I was hoping to look at some more solutions, like, would you be willing to try [change]." Which might in practice look something like

"When I am left on read, I feel so anxious and betrayed I start spiraling thinking the relationship is doomed, because I've had a lot of friendships completely fall apart, and that's always how it started. I have tried dropping some hints and self soothing, and I'm still struggling because this is a really bad anxiety that I didn't have to deal with before recently and even with the hints I'm not getting the response rate I would like. So I wanted to talk about it and see if you'd be willing to try making a point to text me something when you read my message, even if its just 'lol' or you saying you want to discuss it later."

And then! The discussion continues. Maybe he says "oh my god, yeah, I didn't realize it was bothering you that much, absolutely I can do that" and maybe he says "I'm with you all the time how is this still a problem?" or maybe its "actually, [other partner] gets really anxious when I text, which is why I don't respond unless its important. I figured I could talk to you about dinner plans any time" and whatever the case is, you keep talking until you've set on clear goalposts and have reassurance they feel okay to all parties. So in order, your responses might be something like "are you sure you can manage that? I was really worried by my hints not being picked up on that that was the reason", "I know its a problem. That's why I'm talking to you about it. If that's not a good solution to you, let's come up with something else, because the way things are is really hard on me," and "okay. I don't want to make [other partner] anxious either, but this isn't working for me, can we find something else to try?"

Allow him to explain, be prepared to explain more yourself, and be willing to try a variety of solutions. Acknowledge

Is this my longest post yet? Maybe! Wild. Let's top it off with something easier: The Hack Solutions🧑‍💻. Sometimes, anxiety isn't logical, and goofy workarounds can be super helpful! Here are some off the top of my head, but feel free to get creative, too! Not all of these may be feasible, not all of them may help. But a lot less work than some other solutions so worth mentioning!

You said being "left on read" is what bothers you. Can you just... turn off read receipts? Or switch to a messaging app that doesn't have them? Can he just not read your texts until he has the time to respond?

A lot of phones have a driving mode, that will send an automated reply to texts. Can he turn that on when he's with his other partner so you get a reply like "hey I'm busy rn, but I'll text back later!" and would that help?

If you just want to feel more involved, maybe it would help if he just like, took a picture of his pizza to send to you. Reminds you you're thought of, doesn't require conversation.

Something that I've done with friends is write like, a dozen short affirmations/reassurances, and have them keep them in a special spot. When they need to feel loved, they can take one out to read. This has worked PHENOMENALLY for them, and still protects your partner's time away while allowing you to get love direct from your partner WHENEVER you want.

Can he just kick it with you both concurrently?

Can you have a friendship with your meta where you text THEM like "tell [bf] to text me back real quick" and then your bf doesn't feel bad about texting in front of the other partner because they're telling him to do it?

Classically condition yourself. Like, every time he leaves you on read, eat a chocolate. And then sometimes instead of it being "boyfriend won't text me :(((" it'll be "oooo! candy time!"

ai yai yai! That's all I have, though! Come back if you need help working through some specifics. I'm very happy to help however I can. Its not your fault you're struggling with this. Most polyam relationships have to deal with this to some extent, but with a little effort, you can make it through. Best of luck to you, friend. 💙💖🖤

[whilomm]

i think part of the reason why ppl have a kneejerk reaction to others pointing out that marcille is kinda conservative (besides the usual desire to sand down characters edges to make them Less Problematic™) is that theyre thinking "conservative=republican" rather than similar to like, that girl who will swear up and down that she is SO progressive and 100% feminist and everything but when a girl doesnt shave her legs she says "ugh but its just so UNSANITARY" but at the same time if a guy DOES shave their legs she just "thinks its weird!!!", and if you point out the contradiction there ("didnt you say it was UNSANITARY to not shave? doesnt that mean you think ALL guys should shave?") she will BSoD a little bit and uhhhh i mean uhhh its just that–

or you know, someone who if you come out as a trans to her she'll accept it (after a bit of confusion and a few of the usual dumb cis questions) but maybe thinks that the way to ✨validate✨ you is to go all in on gender stereotypes like okay if youre a woman that means MAKEUP and DRESSES and LONG HAIR and ACTING LADYLIKE and PARTICIPATING IN GIRLY ACTIVITIES and NOT BEING TOO LOUD and NOT TAKING UP TOO MUCH SPACE. and if your a man that means dressing MANLY and HAVING SHORT HAIR and ACTING MASCULINE and TOUGH and BEING UNINVITED FROM THE (GIRLY) WEEKLY HANGOUT SESH

or people who like, will never outright say they HATE homeless people, like if you talk about volunteering at the soup kitchen or donating to the food bank shes like yeah!!! but then she also getting weirdly uncomfortable when it comes to actual homeless people who arent like, the model of 'trying but down on my luck', and just thinking the tents are unsightly and worrying about how if you give someone money on the street if they'll just use it for drugs and being anxious about the vague specter of "violence"

(im not necessarily saying "marcille herself would 100% do these things" but just "when people say marcilles a bit conservative they dont mean rightwing republican they mean like this kinda shit which self-proclaimed Progressives do when they dont recognize they still got shit that they picked up from living in a So Sigh Titty to work thru")

like, listen, a big part of marcille's character is that she is very prideful and sure of herself and her opinions. half of marcille's character building parts are "marcille has a preconceived notion! oh, someone challenges the preconceived notion! marcille is RESISTANT to this! oh my GOD this is AWFUL how could you CHALLENGE HER WORLD VIE- oh. oh wait no. okay you might have a point BUT SHE STILL HATES IT!!!".

she changes and she learns things! but shes kicking and screaming the whole way and kinda annoying about it and even after she has one thing challenged shes still got a whole backlog of other things she learned from So Sign Titty shes also gotta work thru even if she doesnt realize it yet. sometimes she gradually realizes these things on her own sometimes someone basically has to hit her over the head with the Very Special Episode about how halffoots arent children and orcs aren't evil and maybe shes treating falin a bit like a dress up doll and infantilizing her and like thats a problem maybe?

like. its an interesting part of her character! let marcille be a bit conservative. she aint perfect. actually theres a lotta little things she kinda sucks about. but its okay bc she can learn and have her tidy little worldview challenged and its interesting to see her go thru it all!

(and i also wonder if part of the resistance to people pointing out how shes a bit conservative in some ways is also like, refusal to admit "hm maybe i also hold some regressive views". like, the general thing of "wanting to believe you are already a perfect progressive and dont hold any shitty views" is extremely realistic, its defo a trap ive fallen into before! most of us probably have! but like, step one is admitting it rather than putting your foot on the ground and saying la la la i cant hear you)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for moving out and leaving my roommate?

🦆 <- so I can find later

I (20X) am in uni currently in my sophomore year. I'm autistic and have social anxiety so I have terrible luck making friends and usually end up getting "adopted" by an extrovert. At my uni, it's typical to live in a double room - they do not have separate bedrooms/baths, it's essentially just a bedroom with two beds and two desks in them. My first year of uni I didn't end up with a roommate (which is apparently relatively common for first-years for various reasons) but the extrovert friend I made, let's call them P, did have a roommate that kinda sucked (blasting music into the early morning, bringing friends over without warning, etc).

P and I were friends during our freshman years in that we went out to dinners together and sometimes events. Both of us share the same sort of schedule (although they're in a STEM track and I'm an art history major) and ideals (neither of us are into drinking/drugs/partying). So, naturally, P suggested that we move in as roommates together in sophomore year.

Here's the problem. P is kind of abrasive and honestly downright rude at some points. We're friends, we still hang out and go to dinners/events together and joke around, but a lot of times their "joking around" is just hurtful. For example, they find it funny to gaslight me, or maybe they don't even realize they do it - I say things like "I heard that the dining hall is getting a dessert section" and P will say "no they aren't, you're wrong" and then a week later when the dessert section gets installed, I'll say "ah so they were getting one! I knew it" and they'll say "you literally never said that, I did." They also (physically) shove me around, pour salt in my food while I'm in the restroom, make fun of me for not doing my own laundry (I'm physically disabled, literally can't), say I'm taking "dumb classes" compared to their STEM major, etc. Ive talked to them about their behavior before, but they just said "I was never making fun of you".

The thing is, I hate rooming with P. They're fun to hang out with, and they're funny, but when I hang out with them for too long their jokes just turn into picking on me and I just plain don't find it funny. They're not a bad roommate; they respect my space, don't mess with my stuff (usually), but I just don't feel comfortable living with them.

I tried to "get out" last semester, but the only way I'd be able to move out is if I activated my disability accomodations and asked for a medical single, which would take months to process. It's January now, so if I start the process now, it could be ready by next semester. However, P doesn't want me to leave and is super clingy, texting me when I leave to visit home that they miss me. With their previous experience with a bad roommate, I'm not inclined to give them back up to the roommate lottery again, and they're one of the only friends I have at uni, but at the same time, I don't see how we can work this out because I've already talked to them about it and set boundaries and been ignored.

TL;DR My roommate is a good roommate but bad friend, and I want to move out but I'm worried that they'll get stuck with a bad roommate in my stead. WIBTA for leaving or should I stay and deal with it?

What are these acronyms?

[atthebell]

i do kinda think its very silly for people to be acting like q is the devil and stuff and we all have to run away from this server as fast as we can cuz like. man i feel like everything happening all the time during the lockdown dsmp days have destroyed some of this fandom's ability to be patient and wait for change. :( i dont think ive even seen any major news since pomme and dapper? to me it just seems like stuffs been quiet cuz theyve been cracking down behind the scenes. i dunno it feels kinda sad to hear that so many people are just giving up on something they love when its not even gone yet.

yeah i mean i think deciding it's a foregone conclusion is very stupid, and also i understand being very upset with q because he hasn't been very responsible or diligent (particularly before all of this came out) but also like. you guys understand he was also mega fucked over by this right. like you know that this project is his baby and he wants it to do well and wants to treat people fairly and doesn't want to ruin his reputation with it?? like i don't get thinking he's a mustache twirling villain when that's not how he's behaved at all. and also you're not owed any behind the scenes info!! this is the kind of shit that takes months to work out, it's not going to be resolved immediately, like you said, and i don't think most of it should be public. admins can, have, and will likely continue to speak out about issues, it's not like we're not going to find out if shit keeps sucking and nothing improves, but the actual restructuring should not and will not be public.

have some damn patience!!! i know i sound like a dick when i say that but i'm also miserable about all of this!! i just don't decide to make it a moral issue (in terms of "supporting the server" or whatever) or be a fucking freak weirdo to people because of it. i adore this server, i want it to be better, i want people to be treated well, i want players to be able to come back and tell the stories they want to tell, and waiting for that fucking sucks but it's the only thing to do so long as i still care about it, which i absolutely do.

idfk i'm tired of talking about this whole situation because i think everyone is upset and thinks that justifies everything they want to say and do, including being shitheads to other fans and acting like every cc involved in this is a fucking war criminal, which is how mcyt fans always act when there's any kind of issue (or whatever they view to be a problem). it's tiring and i wish people could be mature about it but apparently that's impossible

[phantalgia]

Prohibition of Political Discussion In Communities is Dangerous

People don’t like talking about politics. Oh they really hate it. They don’t like people who talk about politics and they want their communities clean of politics. But it doesn't take to long to think of how dangerous this sentiment is. And I'll explain.

Depoliticization in a Queer Community

There is a video of Slavoj Zizek doing a lecture where he has controversally stated that there is nothing revolutionary about being trans (I’m butchering it and probably making it unnuanced but that's the essense of what I took). He was explaining specifically that being trans has pretty much been swallowed up by liberal recuperation. And from that standpoint it makes sense.

Among many individuals I talked to in the queer community there is no consensus on ANYTHING. I have yet to see it. Many don’t really bother too much with the theory behind being queer at all. This can be ok and just shows how normalizaed being queer is becoming which is great. However, among the queer community you are much more likely to find very left leaning people among all across the spectrum. But that's just a minority. Usually it's just very liberal minded individuals literally and metaphorically. A lot of times you can find right wingers, which is strange of course.

One queer community I’m in has made it a rule to exclude any political discussion. Granted, queer politics has remained. But I thought this was strange as there is clearly an inevitable tendancy for some things to turn political. And that point is important. Many things have an inevitable tendancy towards becoming political debate. For most of the 2000s it really seemed like queerness was being detatched from any political connotations, slowly. Until much more recently, this trend has reversed, especially among trans individuals. Which again, tells us that everything has the tendancy towards becoming political issues. So why detach queerness from politics and the very revolutionary act of transforming oneself into an enlightened state just as much as society needs it?

Politics Is Everyday Life, Get Used To It

If I may vent out my frustrations, politics is just a fact of life. You MUST be apart of the discussion process on any issue. Any desire to detach oneself from the act of politics must come from a place of selfishness or immaturaty. But to be fair, it tends to come from an intentional effort to make people disillusioned with politics. Many people feel they have no say amongst politics so why does it matter? And you know what, that's a fair point. It's also fair to say the education hurdles are huge and take a lifetime lf work so why bother?

I Get It, Modern Politics Sucks

Ive talked about this before. Modern political discussion is nothing but arguments and the flexing of knowledge about niche and obscure topics. And once it comes down to it, you're really electing individuals to do the politics for you. Your hope is that they're smart enough to make decisions on your best interest.

But what do these people do? Even if they have at least some semblance of social progressivism it's often very symbolic and often insulting to very real minority groups. "They don’t do enough for me! Why should I bother voting for them?" And those are fair points. It doesn't address anything and just becomes insulting to minority groups and condesending to groups who don’t get it (this I think is a general problem among the left, not just centrists and liberals and is something I want to get into at a later date).

Any imagining of alternatives to current forms of political discussion are often nullified. Instead, we have "debate bros" and two candidates flexing their egos on live TV (for the boomers), and online. They don’t do anything except flex ego, knowledge, and speak about their "truth". I've made this argument before and that's political discussion today is just unhealthy.

Existential Issues Vs. Physical Issues

One problem is that many issues debated are existential or abstract in nature. The debates surrounding queerness, identity, and kids is just too abstract and existential that many minds repel critical thinking. The issues surrounding economy are just too existential and abstract that, again, many minds just repel the possibility of more nuanced discussion. Some people are just on different levels of existance. They can't think past what is familiar to them, this is something I often struggle with and why, for example, philosophy can often be challenging.

But some issues are physical and local. For example, a local river is polluted and a city had to do something about it. Most people would like to get it solved right then and there and be done with it. Then we can move on. Oftentimes, the physical and existential come together. Say climate change or COVID-19. What happens then? They become very mooted existential issues rather than real physical ones as they should.

Why We Need Political Discussion In Communities

In our online spaces there is a tendancy to believe that the internet is not reallife and all discussion of politics should not exist. Instead, the internet is a place to escape to. Which is clearly not the case given much of what goes on here is a reflection of the real world, not against it.

But the number one reason why our communities need political discussion is an obvious one, it's just dangerous to not allow it. I have increasingly seen more and more communities turn away from politics in the most dire times. Which is now. This spells out ignorance, docility, and a quick road to fascism.

It's strange to think people don’t seem to find the contridiction in getting politics out of things when political discussion is essential to a healthy democracy and beyond that, existance regardless of if it's democracy or not. There is often political calls to depoliticize issues when they arrise and this happens a lot in politics. For some examples...

Many Republicans try to decouple politics from mass shootings by using their "thoughts and prayers" as the closest thing to any political action. Many argue for the depoliticization of being queer so they can "live in peace" making the mistake that being queer, let alone HUMAN, is inherently a political thing.

I feel like it's difficult to explain exactly why just existance is political and nobody can disengage from politics and all acts in life are political but I want to try my best to explain...

Why Existence and Everything Is Inherently Political

I think the problem here is what people think of when they hear the word "politics". Perhaps it's a donkey and an elephant. Abortion, taxes, fiscal policy, or foreign policy. But let's bring the word "politics" back to its roots.

"Politics" the word comes from Ancient Greece meaning "affairs of the cities" (I mean this is straight from wikipedia, so you can find this pretty quickly). It's just how decisions are made among groups of people and how power and resources are distributed. Ok, so now the word politics is much more broad, it doesn't just mean GOP vs Democrat. This can include municipal, town, neighborhood, state. And affairs can be like the polluted river example.

So then we as citizens have a political duty to something. Because we are apart of some group or a collection of groups. In this case those groups are AT LEAST family to city to country to the planet. You do politics in just your family alone, what to eat and where, and who is doing the dishes if there's any strict rules to begin with. There are people now doing politics for you, making politics before you, and will after you. What comes out of these collections of historical and present political decisions becomes the environment YOU GROW UP IN.

What does this mean? That you are the product and are influenced by these political decisions and we can throw economic ones in there too because they're connected. The culture you become accustomed to. The communties you interact with, the media you consume each have a taste of those collected political decsions throughout history from Ancient Greece to modern capitalist liberal democracy in 2024. I hope you enjoy my butchered historical materialism. Anyway, I think we can take an EXTREME example of why something seemingly innocuous can be political. Let's take brainrot as an example.

"How The Fuck Is Brainrot Political?!"

If I told you that skibidi sigma rizz was fr fr ong political you'd probably think I was the jonkler from Ohio (I can't believe I said that but Im dying laughing right now). But, let's go through it. How the hell does the collective actions of political decision-making lead to brainrot as a phenomenon?

I think it's easy to imagine how economic and political decisions on young people, large tech companies and their influence in shaping culture through the help of Washington and the capitalist structure rewards this reshaping of young minds with profits to those firms. What matters is an algorithm that brings in the most profits effeciently, effeciently in the neoclassical economist sense, not in an ethical sense.

The content produced by people individually can be seen as an expression of the times. Brainrot and all that shitposting is an expression of the cynicism of contemporary times. A reflection of the absurdity of modern culture, modern economy, modern politics, being self perpetuating through its hypernormalization. The capitalist enterprises take advantage of this and CONTINUE TO PERPETUATE IT. Reinforcing itself. There may have been no intial political intent to create brainrot, but it's existence is a product of all those past and present political decisions.

So I could say that videos of horses eating hay being filmed in a funny angle is political just in an indirect way. The videos created by themselves reflect the political world indirecty, the politics that created the internet, the real world politics shaping internet culture. But once it is recognized and circulated as a meme, it grabs the attention of algorithms and can become commodified and becomes apart of the internet culture. Again, reflecting the absurd nature of the real world. This isn't to say that it can't be entertaining without political or economic context, but that it reinforces cultural and societal attitudes of a given time.

As absurd as this was, I hope this can help people understand what some mean when they say things like "all art is political". It's difficult to fully explain, especially given how abstract it is and how attuned we become to just passively consuming media isolated from current material conditions. This is something I want to talk about further, especially in light of the "controversy" surrounding Tim Cain's (Fallout creator) video and comment on capitalism and Fallout.

So, What Are The Solutions?

We Need To Rethink Political Discussion

Modern political discussion sucks. Watching streamers, drama freaks, and debate bros talk isn't helping and is only good for ragebait. What is the solution? Really, I don’t entirely know but I have some vague ideas.

YouTuber Zoe Bee points out that facts don’t change minds, stories do. And I think that's one place to start. I have said this before that you must introduce people to your world. What you see and think. And you must engage with the other party's world. Try to challenge their world a little bit, you probably won't get anywhere. But you can at least try to humanize your views instead of using facts. And maybe plant a seed in their mind that needs time for growth.

I really think truth is out the window. Again, people love to point out at facts. And what x,y,z person or group did to a,b,c person or group. They will go deeper down the rabbit holes of things and frankly, there's just too many rabbit holes to go down.

Facts and truth don’t matter in the face of information overload, or if they can be whisked away with conspiracy theories, whether true or false. So instead, we need core values and beliefs and to be critical of our inherent beliefs about the world and living as a whole. Not specific issues. If any issues, broader ones.

Communities Need Spaces Where Political Discussion Can Happen

Communties need to foster spaces that allow for political discussion. Perhaps such a platform needs to be heavily moderated and parties need to be aware of the risks involved with engaging in such a space. Which also need solutions. Perhaps the tools we use for allowing political discussion must be shaped in a way that allows for no judgement, allow critique, and reassurance?

Political discussion is the make or break for relationships with people. So we must be vigilant to ensure that we can humanize discussion and ensure our tools for discussion are as well humanized.

These spaces should obviously be seperate from the main community. A little corner where this can take place among a community. Perhaps with an acknowledgement system an agreement to? Unfourtunately some social media platforms make carving out a little corner difficult. Some are easier.

Social Media Networks Should Allow Anonymity

This is more up to those networks rather than people. But anonymity can reduce the burden of being made fun of for certain views, beliefs, opinions, and ideas. Of course, people can make seperate accounts to achieve this, but many people like to keep one account and that's fair. Perhaps there are work arounds to ensure anonymity?

Temporary Indirect Forum Styles

Another idea is to have political discussions be based in forum style to allow people to fully articulate the nuances of their arguments in a single post. Then, instead of getting troll replies, there could be a way in which individuals must respond to those posts via seperate forum posts. Of course, you could just retain the original forum style and just ensure rules are in place that prevent trolls or unenlightening replies. But this idea is mostly to prevent some anxieties associated with how people might react. These forums would also disappear over a set period of time and can be chosen by the creator. Of course, that can have the opposite effect and have people ensure there is a record of posts by screenshotting.

Parties Must Consent

Consent to discussion is key, and opening it up with a friendly demeanor is important. Communities should give consenting parties the space they want to discuss poltical issues, especially with opposing parties.

Political Discussion Coincides With Education

The hurdle of becoming educated in political issues is immense. As I stated way earlier, it can take a lifetime even. We're constantly learning. So political discussion must be a place to educate as well. This is why the flexing of knowledge is quite useless and aggravating because it just leads to snobby remarks and oppression to unlearned parties (you were unlearned once, still are, and always learning). I am still guilty of this habit. It's still heirarchal which must be unlearned. It comes from a place of wanting control.

Once people can see or be a part of discussions and hear from people more knowledgable on things, this can create more thinking people. But it cant be from a place of "dumb vs. smart". Such distinctions don’t exist and if it comes to that point then they can become ad hominem or personal attacks.

Spaces must provide resources or allow people to ask questions and more. Again, humanizing is important.

Conclusion

I want to wrap this up. At the end of the day, we are political creatures interacting with a political world regardless of whatever political system we're in. We must be aware of our mutual dependency on each other and that we don’t need people to do the politics for us. We're better than the debate bros. We're better than to exclude political discussion in our communities. We need it in order for our existence to survive, for minority groups to survive. We must engage critically. Not resign from the world.

[rainbowgaez]

long ramble because i just dropped my gf off at the airport and I am a fucking mess with too many thoughts in my brain

over the last couple weeks, i finally met one of my partners—the one ive been with longer than ive been with literally anyone else in my life. despite being together since mid 2016, this was the first time we both had the wherewithal to make a visit happen, and while that may seem like it took way too long, for a lot of reasons that you don't need to know, it couldn't have happened at a more perfect time.

she flew in on the 26th and immediately i knew we would get along just as easily as we had online for years before then. both of us have always talked about how quiet and introverted we are, but it was one of those things where i didn't know if we were going to truly vibe irl until it happened, even if both of us were pretty sure we would.

we always talked abt how the first car ride from the airport was going to be awkward—it's a 3 hour drive from my place to there. both of us are slow to work up to physical affection, but when i picked her up, it wasn't but like ten or twenty minutes into the ride before we were wrapped up in each other. it just clicked. that's so incredibly rare for me with anyone. even partners ive established intimacy with, i usually have to re-warm up to them after time apart. so the fact that we connected so quickly when we first met was so special.

im a pretty boring, solitary person. my favorite activities are ones in which it's quiet and i can do my own thing. this is always a bit scary for me. i don't want to bore anyone just because my brain only ever feels like engaging with what it wants. but that wasn't a problem with her—quite the opposite, actually. we could just sit there and quietly do our own thing in my room, and it felt every bit as special as it would if we went out and did things. there was no pressure for either of us. we settled into each other's patterns instantly. within days, it felt like she'd been living with us all along. i wished that were the case.

distance is hard. it's a lot of counting. how many miles apart you are. how many hours, days it would take to close the gap. how much time will it be before you can be together for real.

and then, when you plan a visit, it becomes about counting down, and that's so exciting. you start counting the months until it's time. before you know it, you're counting the weeks. it's something to look forward to. something to hang on to.

but the moment you meet, the countdown isnt exciting anymore. it gets a lot harder. you might still have weeks to count, but before you know it, weeks become days. days become hours. hours become minutes. minutes become mile markers, and mile markers become exits, exits become streets, streets become steps, and steps become seconds spent holding each other, waiting for the other to pull away because it's the last thing you want to do. but you have to. that's the only way to start the count over. and that sucks. because you dont get to know how long it's going to be until way later. but just the same, you don't know when the next countdown will be the last one. it's the most terrifying assurance there is.

i feel blessed that me, her, and all my partners exist in the same time, in a reality where we have the ability to connect to each other despite how unlikely the chances of us ever meeting were. i feel lucky to live in a world where, one day, a silly string of text like @nudist-squid can be the first name i know someone who will eventually become one of the most important people in my life by.

but at the same time, im heartbroken and devastated. it feels cruel that we met because of certain circumstances, and yet we exist so far away for those same reasons. and closing that gap takes so much from both of us, and there's no promise we can ever close it for good. but if I can help it, I certainly want to try.

this summer has been dogshit. ive been through so much unnecessary bullshit, and when things have been looking to improve, something else happens. but this was the most wonderful bookend to a dismal season i could have asked for.

thanks for reading.

[huebris808]

trying to break out of my shell and post madcom hc shit aka Look At My One Of Many Weirdass Hank Ramblings, Boy

hank you know them. they're six-foot-something and wanted to try volleyball. they dont get sarcasm and refer to stuff as "thingys". they're the autistic power fantasy of throwing bricks at those who view you as subhuman. their bedroom's apparently just a mirror to practice cool poses with and a blanket and their favorite drink is eggs now according to the streams. and they are your new nonbinary president

im constantly fluctuating between Animation & MPN Are Two Different Timelines/Universes or They're The Same, But He’s Testing Which "Hank" Is More Favorable/Useful To Others

wasian hank truther baby. (jp+filipino-american)

this guy would probably use わたし/私 (ive seen a lot of artists use オレ/俺 for him though but i feel like its a bit?? much)

definitely had to pick up sign-language after [Vague Gesturing] All That

has autism in the way that they have No Clue they got it. like "damn i got [Specific Autistic Issues]. sucks that im so so normal and yet i must endure The Problems everyday"

speaking of autism, enjoys confined spaces sensory-wise. vents and boxes and shit like Come On Man. Do You See The Vision.

gonna be honest like half of the shit (Understatement) i got for hank is projection but what's madcom without that in some aspect!! that's the POINT man!!! [ON KNEES WAILING] that's the POINT

working in real estate and as a mercenary since The Incident made their self-worth go to SHIT; in a world that dehumanizes you, you are quick to dehumanize yourself. this is where the power of lesbian friendship comes in

subconsciously puts doc on a pedestal over time, leading to (See Bullet 1); this dissipates after they somehow reach a conversation of Bitch We Are Both Equals And Fighting For Our Fucking Lives Out Here THEY SOLVE SHIT TOGETHER MAN!!! THEY SOLVE IT

sorry. sorry. im trying to delete it

out of nowhere maybe its the Autistic Projection maybe its cause im allergic to Sadstuck Shit i dont dig negative stuff with 2bhank it just feels Wrong :-( i wish i could word this better but like. i need these little chesspiece fucks to learn to communicate

what i will refer to as the Newspaper Era (aka the time before we got doc characterization from arena mode) caused people to make some weirdass depictions of their relationship and im glad its phasing out. The Horrors

main 4 are all butch lesbians btw. not sorry about that one

also POLYCOMBAT TRUTHER this dude would HATE how vulnerable these three would make them feel at first. they're the first to actually treat him like A Guy and that fuck him up a bit initially

i think eventually they all reach a point where they're able to do stupid shit together like fireworks or breaking chairs over each other heads. you've seen how doc is don't exclude him from doing dumbass shit

"erm… actually they wouldnt be friends or have fun or date theyre ruthless criminals and madcom is cruel :/" L + ratio + the rule of The Funniest Thing Is The Answer in madcom prevails + That's The Devil Talking, Boy

shit at technology. if they had a blog their lack of skills would loop back around to make them the most powerful shitposter on earth

there's definitely more that im missing here and takes that Don't Suck (for example people need to put out more hankford content. Cmon Man) but my brain has this shit Queued Up in a way so. Yeah

[horrorknife]

it makes me so mad how people really love boiling saw iii down to “lesbian sex movie” when in reality it’s a movie about john and amanda’s relationship which i actually find a lot more interesting than lynnmanda because john and amanda actually, like, Have A Relationship To Speak Of? no shame in shipping lynnmanda or anything but idk dude i think a lot of ppl who like saw need to learn how to take off their shipping goggles

cuz like. im gonna be real idgaf about lynn. i think shes a nothing ass plot device character and tbh jeff has more character motivation than she does. ive said it before but lynn feels insignificant next to such a bold and loud character like amanda lol the writing just. doesn’t do it for me.

Anyway. saw iii is a movie chiefly about john and amanda and their relationship and no one seems to…give a shit…? leigh whannell wrote some of the most shockingly accurate portrayals of what bpd episodes feel like but because john and amanda aren’t a romantic relationship it doesn’t get talked about.

and like, the shipping goggles thing isn’t Just a problem with saw iii (i can easily pinpoint what ppl are Ignoring in favor of the other popular ships as well) but the fact that john is so heavily underdiscussed in the fanbase in general sucks and it really sucks that ppl do this because john is the most important character in relation to amanda, their bond is INSANE and the devotion of it is so painful. it does a huge disservice to amanda to ignore her story like that!!! sorry!! but like could you guys actually interact with the character? since you apparently give enough of a shit about her to draw her rawing lynn or whatever?? does she exist as anything other than a sex object to the fandom?

[mutedeclipse]

I'm actually hesitating between Fusell and Buggler... eh fuggit I'll let you choose ;A;

I honestly cant do buggler i have nothing nice to say about the R interpretation, which if you are who i am assuming would probably suck to hear... But i DO really like Fussell

Favorite thing: the fact that he balances out the sbr2 cast making it more camp than grating when hes onscreen, close second is definitely how he was characterized least favorite thing: the fact they made him distinctly ex human or at least incredibly human like in design, shoulda been more fuckt up tbh. would really sell the agony... either that or at LEAST keep him obscured ontill the helmet broke for symbolism favorite quote: man i just like the way he talks, unfortunately i do not have his dialogue on hand like basically every other character im mentally ill about. if incorrect non canon quotes are allowed here i think "i want to die so bad white boy" from one of my previous sketch pages brotp: white bomber and fussell. no further comment otp: i have no idea man. title up for grabs notp: im sorry but respectfully i think he and buggler would not be able to stand eachother, i think buggler would make him want to die more actually. this is the only real pairing ive seen so like i guess i could be swayed but this pairing isnt for me ykno random headcanon: i think that his research notes are actually published, being quite famous in the times before the incident, the only problem being is that due to the destruction of his previous home and wiping of the society he belonged to the research and notes have fallen into obscurity. this being said i think phantom bomber, if he met fussel and was informed that hes THE guy he would lose his mind

unpopular opinion: he was better than yet another evil team- i said it- the cast already being as big as it is with the dastardlies and the siblings they wouldve made 5 or 6 half baked characters under the time crunch they had that i think it genuinely wouldve made sbr2 worse. favorite image:

i got it from the trailer when it first came out lol. this shot fucks sorry for taking so long i got really badly sick before i got around to making this post

[lakesbian]

what do u think Taylor would say to Alec if she did find out abt Sophia before Alec despawned?

the less dramatic option is if she finds out while she's still a ward pre-behemoth--i think she would be like. 'prediction about him maybe turning into his dad vindicated but ive already done all i could to set him onto the right path...can only hope everything goes ok there while i continue being a cop here.' & then mention it to brian at behemoth, which results in them riding aisha and alec's sillay friendship behaviors during behemoth even harder, which makes it even more horrific for everyone involved when 45 minutes later alec dies for the fraction of a chance to save aisha.

the more dramatic option is if she finds out while she's still on the team. i think she'd be liable to pull a taylor and confront him about it in front of everyone like thats SO fucked up alec i cant believe youwould do that when i explicitly told you not to....meanwhile lisa (Knew it was happening and was like cool that solves the sophia problem 4 her 👍) is standing there like 😁(<- lisa equivalent of a deeply alarmed grimace). i think she would probably just keep her mouth shut and let them go at it LMAO. this would be interesting to see because alec genuinely thinks he did her a big ole favor, to the point of wink-wink-nudging her about it. even after he realizes he went too far he still doesn't grasp that the Entire Thing was bad and thinks he did her a favor!! so it would b very funny to watch him standing there like ":( why is taylor being so mad at me....comparing me to my dad and everything....thats so mean :((" trying to issue some flustered defense of himself & ending up exceedingly frustrated as he realizes he can't really explain why he thinks it's okay or make any other argument beyond pointing out that she too does bad things. and he instinctively looks at aisha 4 backup and shes like no yeah we talked about this ithink its like. uncool to revenge torture people. and then the fact that SHE knew but didn't say anything becomes a Whole Thing. alec definitely going home pissed and Stewing about it but ultimately sucking less over the event

[polyamorousmood]

Hi I need some advice.

So I identify as poly even tho ive never had a poly relationship before and made that very clear to my girlfriend before we started dating. She said she was fine with it, and that we could always discuss terms when I start to like another person. We've been dating for a year, and I'm starting to like one of our mutual friends. I was excited to tell my girlfriend, but when I did she freaked out about it and said she couldn't do it. Because she was freaking out, I said it was OK and agreed to be in a mono relationship (I often will say anything to get someone to calm down, and I know that's a flaw of mine which is why I was open about everything before anything was at stake). I don't think I am OK with it, but they way she spoke about it sounds like she won't be convinced either.

I feel like I was lied to? And now I'm in this situation I didn't want, but I don't want to break up with her because I do love her. Functionally our relationship is the same as it always was so maybe I can handle it, but I just don't understand why she would have such a negative reaction when she seemed completely OK with it at the beginning.

I mean... maybe she said it was okay when it wasn't for a similar reason you did? Because she wanted to make you happy more than she wanted to dig into the issue? While I understand this probably felt like a major gut-punch after you made a point to be open about it, it seems to me unfair you'd hold her to a higher standard than you're holding yourself now wrt voicing what you'd be okay with.

Anyway, TL;DR: I think y'all both need to "come to Jesus."

What do I mean by that.

You need the classic Uncle Iroh moment

And it really, really fucking sucks, but you both will have to consider if the life you want -- poly for you, monog for her -- is feasible with each other. I'm sorry, I know it hurts even to think about, but even if everything gets worked out, you will have to think about the possibility it won't first.

First, you're going to have to bring it up again, and explain its importance, and explain your confusion, and acknowledge this is clearly difficult for her. I think a strong possibility is that she's okay with you dating someone else, but not someone she knows. It being her friend may be the sticking point! I've found a lot of people don't consider that a possibility until they're confronted with it, and it drudges up a lot of bad feelings and anxieties that you "always really wanted them and not me," so that's worth investigating.

... Its also really possible she never gave it a ton of thought and assumed it was never really gonna happen🫤. Its also possible your timing was just shit in a way you're not mentioning (maybe didn't even think of!) like, if you mentioned it a week after y'all Had A Talk™️about her feeling really insecure lately, I can see how that could cause her some panic. You are just going to have to grit your teeth and talk🗣️. It is the ONLY path forward that has a chance of everyone feeling fulfilled. Which to me at least, makes it the only path forward, period ⏺️ It sucks. Its hard. You'd rather saw off your toes.

But here's the secret -> people regret more the things they didn't do than the things they did do. A life spent wondering is generally much harder than anything else.

So if after you talk to her, she does have a problem with polyamory, there are only a few options for how this shakes out:

You never get the polyamory. Either because you kept your mouth shut 🙊 or because you asked and it was clearly never going to be okay with her. You stay with her forever and cut off this desire of yours to make her happy. Most poly people find this a very constricted existence.

She consents to polyamory even though she doesn't like having to share you. You guys broker some sort of compromise. Maybe she comes around, but maybe its always a sore spot, and she always feels like she's settling for half a relationship.🌗

You break up💔. Maybe now, maybe after years of trying and failing to do one or both of the first two options.

That's all there is. There's room within those categories, of course, but every outcome is one of those three. Give each of them their fair consideration, because there are some major, long-term pros and cons with each of them, and you need to know what you're signing on for. Oh, and if you're not willing to talk about it? You're locking yourself into the first one. Maybe she's worth it to you, but if that's the choice you're making, you cannot hold that choice against her later, because she won't even have realized you made it if you don't talk about it.

And if you do broker some sort of deal, you better fasten your seatbelt. Because you will have to talk about things she's uncomfortable with very regularly. Accept that right the fuck now. You know its true. You know that even if she understands, there will be new situation after new situation you will have to go through together. And a lot of them will be hard on her. And it will be on your shoulders to see her through.

This is, without exaggeration on my part, one of the worst situations to be in ever. My heart goes out to you.💝 I hope from the depths of my soul there's some sort of misunderstanding that gets resolved without much drama, and you're all okay. I am also truly sorry if that sounded harsh, but I don't want you to waste your time looking for miracle fixes. Everything from this point on will be messy and labor-intensive, but I hope it can be a labor of love.

Wising you the strength to see yourself to a life you love 💙💖🖤

[ankhisms]

various ramblings trying to type thoughts ive been having

sometimes i get the feeling that people think less of me or negatively about me due to my different brain issues like not processing and understanding things etc etc and i dont know if thats my anxiety/extremely low self esteem self worth/paranoia combined with a history of people mistreating me or if thats actually happening yknow i really dont want to assume that people dislike me ive been trying to break that pattern of thinking within myself which again comes from a life time of abuse and of people very openly disliking me so my brain goes well its always been the default that people dislike us and are angry with us. its like i know i have brain processing issues but i wish that wouldnt make people like me less or think less of me. instead of telling me that im not actually stupid id like for someone to tell me that even if i am stupid they still care about me and will have compassion for me and my mistakes. ive been thinking about something a mutual said i genuinely cant remember who said it memory issues flaring up so hi if it was you but it was like. online theres this phenomena where even peoples tiny little slip ups and in the bigger picture not that big of a deal mistakes can be documented and held against them for an eternity and that for a long time theres been a certain cultivation of behavior of like. idk what the word is i dont think hyper vigilance is the right term but the kind of mentality where if you make even one mistake you have that held over your head for years. and im realizing that i really grew up with that kind of mentality surrounding me online (and similar mentalities irl) and i think that really fed into and formed a lot of different issues i have. there was a post i rbed maybe earlier this week about not thinking that youre one slip up from your friends abandoning you and i really want to get myself to believe that but the problem is that thats genuinely happened before or thats been threatened to happen before with me and so again my brain goes well it could happen again everyone you know and love could suddenly cut you off out of nowhere with no warning or everyone you know and love is secretly talking about how awful you are. and i get scared that im somehow doing things wrong without knowing that im doing things wrong or hurting people without realizing im hurting them and lately i keep just being hit with the feeling that everything i do is wrong and that im making people angry or upset with me even when im literally not doing anything and it sucks and i wish i knew an easy way to get out of it. ive mentioned this before but when it comes to my issues like this one thing is like. i dont want people to think that im so fragile and scared that ill shatter if they come to me and talk to me saying hey rey this thing you did upset me/hurt me etc i dont want people to think that ill fall apart if im told about a mistake ive made or that ive done something wrong i want people to be able to come to me and talk with me and i always want to be able to grow and admit when im wrong and i dont want to hurt people. and then ive been thinking about how even though i have lovely friends who i cherish and appreciate and love so much i still feel so lonely and seperated from everyone who i know and love and i feel like im on the other side of a glass wall and that no one can reach me and i want to get closer to people but it always feels like i cant. but i dont want to doubt my friends love for me i dont want to doubt that i have a place in peoples lives. but its really hard. anyway its almost midnight i should sleep thanks if you read this

[edoro]

recently i’ve ended up in the ER twice about a week apart (one time for “left side chest pain for hours”, one time for “inexplicably can’t breathe and my inhaler isn’t helping”) and since nothing was observably wrong with me either time i can only assume that i’m suffering under a witch’s curse or possibly experiencing physical stress illness due to the general state of my life

these events HAVE however given me the chance to practice one of my superpowers, which is Being Really Chill When People Stick Needles In Me, Especially If They Fuck It Up

(Talking About Needles And Stuff below the cut)

i’m generally an easy stick, because i have good, very visible veins and am not remotely bothered by needles (in fact i often watch them stick me AND watch the blood come out because i think it’s cool)

however, these last two times i’ve ended up with a graduate intern and a med school student respectively being the ones to place my IV and try to draw my blood, and Boy Have They Needed The Practice

between the diabetes and the hormones, i’ve gotten blood drawn 2-4 times per year for the last three years, not counting supplemental testing for things like my eventual fibro diagnosis or “hey, why is my hair falling out?”, and i used to donate plasma as many times a week as they’d late me for a solid few months, so i’m used to it being a quick and painless process that leaves me with nothing worse than a little scab and occasionally slight bruising right around the entry wound

this has not been the case these last few times! they have Butchered Me! the intern blew the first vein she tried, so i expected that bruise

(it was v funny, because i watched her put the needle in, then kinda pull it out and wiggle it around to reposition, and she got one vial of blood before it just stopped as the skin in the crook of my elbow right above the needle slowly swelled up into a taut, shiny balloon

at which point she went, “heyyyy, Maritza, can you come here a second?” like yeah i think we need some help in here, Maritza

i was not emotionally distressed by this but it made me get very hot and sweaty because my body was just going “now son this just isn’t right, this isn’t right at all, something is happening that should not be”)

but the draw sites on my other arm that didn’t have any apparent issues have also developed enormous bruises, and last night the poor med student had to get me three times (blowing a vein in the process as well), and then resorted to trying to suck the blood out of the IV in the back of my hand through a syringe because it just was not coming out

eventually he just gave up and sent a phlebotomist to get the rest of it, which was thankfully a painless and fairly quick process, but now THAT draw site in the back of my OTHER hand is bruised to hell as well, and i feel a little bit like a pincushion

so i’ve decided that i’m simply not allowed to have any more actual or possible medical problems for at least the next couple of weeks until the bruising fades, because they are simply Running Out Of Veins and i’m about to be going around looking like someone slammed my arms in a door or something