#unfortunately its the kind of person i am
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i kinda didnt wanna buy an electric guitar until i was like fairly okay at guitar but guitar center has some big sale going on right now and im like ... 😳
#i guess i just dont wanna be in like the situation where i spend hundreds of dollars on a guitar and then i stop playing it#unfortunately its the kind of person i am#which is why the tag is#wazo guitar journey take 2#like ive tried to learn guitar before and bailed on it#i also dont wanna like. have guitars for vanity ...??? if that makes sense#i do not know how to explain this#actually i think its fine to be a casual player and have a few because they're nice#you can be the worst player in the world but enjoy playing it. and id be like yes girl (gn) own a billion guitars#no different from like. having a ton of sneakers so long as you wear them every now and then#im a staunch 'if you buy it you should enjoy it' believer#but like i dont want to own guitars and never play them you get me???#i would like this to be a decades-long hobby for me#the problem which ive talked about before. is that i suck at sucking at things#anyways.#all this to say guitars are sexy and cheap right now#when i say sexy i mean like a guitar is a beautiful cool looking object#well. cheaper than usual i mean.#that was a lot of info that made no sense sorry#again. mute wazo guitar journey take 2 if you'd like#i like that most guitar buying guides are like 'start with the shape. you will become biased towards shapes and fall in love with shapes.'#instead of like 'this brand is xyz better in abc ways.'#anyways im thinking that les paul and jazzmaster and jaguar all look nice. sg's are hideous sorry.#edit: im gonna talk some more#i think im like set on this 'i have to be good at acoustic before electric' mindset become it seems more 'correct.' like how youre supposed#to read the book before watching the movie. but idk that that really applies to guitar? like most amazing guitarists today prob cant read#musical notation. which might seem 'correct' but who tf cares. if youre able to learn from tabs and youtube videos and sound amazing#much love to classical guitar (capricho arabe my beloved white whale) but my end goal here is to play the woody the woodpecker laugh LOL#sorry if ive been rude (?) here to acoustic/electric/classical/self-taught/lessons-believers alike. i just think its all pretty sick#also not saying any of those are mutually exclusive.
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Im watching Only Friends and We Are like back to back and. Wildly different college friend groups
Imagine ur in Peems friend group (ur like Toey or someone) and u go to the Yolo bar, and run into Boston and Top and Ray and u watch that fucking speech Ray gives absolutely roasting the fuck out of his friend's relationships and u make a mental note 'do not Ever bring my lover to this bar'
Dhdhhf
Like I love both shows. And I think theyre both somewhat true to life just like, very different viewpoints as theyre true to life. And depicting very different people (with some overlap). And of course, We Are is going for low stakes comfort slice of life genre, while Only Friends is going for dense analysis of friends in the hookup scene.
#only friends the series#we are the series#lb#idk what the overlap of ppl is that enjoy BOTH shows. but it includes me <3 i love them both a lot#like. only friends? to be real here#id say the American college or dating experience? at least for my age group?#it was Very relatable to only friends. not THAT messy. but. i was definitely Ray at times#(crush on friend. the rebound the friend dates) and Mew (and i still am kind of mew...#im demi and i just dont do hookups theyre boring as fuck and i cant get turned on unless im in love)#and ive definitely met people like Sand and dated ppl like Sand and to an extent been hurt so bad i dont believe ppl will#love me back (like Sand)#and ive had friends like Boston (although the friends didnt lie or like destroy friendships) and dated ppl like Boston#hell i even unfortunately dated some ppl like Nick who were like THAT messy and i had to Run asap#but like. Only Friends is very raw and Real about those real romance hangups existing for a LOT of real people.#meanwhile We Are? also relatable. the slow pace and low stakes? honestly also many relationships go that way#while ive been Ray crushing on a friend. ive also developed those crushes just as slow as Q and Toey leaving messages and interacting#or Peem and Phum on odd terms tjen seeing each other more and clicking and not doing anything right away#and my luckier friends have been like Tan: honest and upfront and adoring and with a person they like rather fast#i think the 2 shows are like the spectrum of experience with dating AND friends involved#and its enjoyable to see all sides of that spectrum (for me)
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kind of want to rewatch cowboy bebop
#honestly i dont know why i just got this wave of nostalgia for some reason#i watched it in the middle of the pandemic. i distinctly remember binging it and eating icecream sandwiches#ik the pandemic was bad but i. i kind of miss sitting around.........#missing that 3 2 1 lets jam you know.#honestly out of all the watanabe productions its really not my most favorite.#space dandy and samurai champloo are my personal favorites#but i've been in a cowboy bepop mood lately. not sure why#its kind of sad though that its the most popular...WHERE ARE MY SPACE DANDY FANS!! HELLOOO#if cowboy bebop and samurai champloo are like bleach and naruto space dandy is like the gintama#which isnt a great analogy but i think it works.#not to mention the fact that the music SLAPS. honestly all three of them have great soundtracks but#space dandy really is my favorite. it just scratches an itch in my brain idk what to say#if space dandy has 1 million fans i am one of them if space dandy has 100 fans i am one of them if space dandy has#10 fans i am one of them. if space dandy has 1 fan that is me. if space dandy has no fans then i am no longer on this earth. thank you#oh and not to mention that the animation is stunning. they get experimental with it and its really cool#its done by the same people who animated mob pyscho i think. not 100% about that but im p sure#i would rb sooooo many gifs but. no one cares about it unfortunately :\#sorry this totally derailed. uh. now i kind of want to rewatch space dandy instead lol
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more sugiO
#sugio#osugi#sugimoto saichi#ogata hyakunosuke#golden kamuy#UWAHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#ok#i posted on my other socials so now ill ramble in the tags bc its a little less embarrassing to post on tumblr than it is anywhere else#but these are just the results of waiting a week#thinking endlessly about sugio and then doodling my ass off the moment the weekend came#i cant really verbalize how i think of them. in a modern au sense they're ofc much better off and ill talk about that in the future maybe!!#but canon compliant wise................ :melting-emoji:#i am a multishipper so in another universe sugimoto is much more happier with perhaps. someone superior. someone better than ogata but#unfortunately i rotate sugio in my brain the most often and while i picture sugimoto be both regretful and disdainful of his feelings#i do think he accepted his feelings early on once he recognized it#and well. sugimoto is nice. hes really nice. hes sweet and silly and has a knack for romance even if he never really pursued it himself#but he has a track record for ppl that he has loved. and i think those people shape him into his kindness.#toraji... umeko.... and now the person he's closest to is asirpa who is just. eugh. ill cry if i get into their familial/platonic bond.#But u see what i mean. ogata is like a trapezoid box trying to fit in with circles. and that wouldv jarred sugimoto soooo much and consideri#ng the kind of personality that ogata elicits from sugimoto during their interactions . he's Just immediately like Why. Whyyyyyy HIMMMMMMM#but i think he gets around it. a real internal struggle.#meanwhile ogata -- the absolute legend of denial and repression - denies it vehemently. does not See it. and thinks there must be something#wrong with sugimoto -- which is smth he takes comfort in#but he'd never return those feelings -- only the passive affection that could come along with it bc physical affection =/= internal emotions#and i don't find ogata to recognize it -- only catch glimpses of it through odd feelings of warmth -- dreams -- instinctively following#or looking at sugimoto pre-abashiri. its small things and well. it'll whiplash him in the end.#bc love has been so absent in ogata's life. if familial/platonic love can't reach him#then romantic love could never either. and that makes me shake his shoulders and weep.#ive written too Much in these tags. AND THis is Not worded in the best way ANYWAY. but At the least i got to verbally wordvomit it out. it s#been just stewing in my brain bc i have no idea where else to put it down.
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hnggghhggg
#just realized a little too hard that im packing my entire life up into a single suitcse and hitting the road for a month. in a month.#im also turning 24 in a month#both of these things perturb me in some direction or another.#its also 1030pm but i am Vibrating unfortunately#also realized vividly today that ill be attending my college graduation less than 48hrs after landing back in canada#and that will be after 30+ hours in transit coming directly from a 12 hour time difference#so that'll be fun#not really how i imagined graduating when i started my freshman year?#actually dear lord i could not have fathomed Being Here when i was 19 and starying college#i remember hearing about the program im currently doing and thinking 'wow that's incredibly cool but im just not the kind of person#who can do that sort of thing'#i still periodically have moments where i just look around and have to be like Yes I Really Am Here#and yeah turning 24. in a month. that's far too grown up of an age for how i feel inside.#and yeah trvaelljng to 5 vountires in a month again? wild.#didnt think anything could top seeing the great pyramids for out of body wild experiences And Yet. we sure are gonna be going some places.#also being in a serious relationship huh. didnt think this was going to happen until i was 35 if ever.#skmeone needs to tell me why my brain decided to watch wedding dress youtube shorts today with a vague expectation that might be relevant#to my life within a decade.#so yeah all that to say my life feels fucking insane to me.#I Am Not Qualified For This Experience Help#(this is not entirely negative im just ??????)
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it has come to my attention that some of you have become convinced that i am quote unquote "cool". with a heavy heart i must inform you that no, i am in fact not. i have deceived you, my friends, it was all a ruse! a trick! a con! in real life i am a huge nerd, the sort who lugs around 10 pound sci-fi books, spends too much time with headphones in, and memorizes weird al songs. i apologize for giving you all the impression that i am, as the kids say, hip. although really its your fault for falling for it.
#this is all in jest in case that wasn't clear btw#i mean its true that im not cool but im sure you all are aware of that#its an open secret#also all the cool people i know are immensely boring so i think im chill with being not cool#if you identify as a cool person: im sorry to break it to you but if you're on tumblr.com you aren't one#and yes aly this is a nod to you and your lovely kind words#unfortunately i am not as cool as you seem to believe#luckily i am still a delight if i may say so myself#the geek rambles
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hm feel free to tell me ur thoughts if youd like friends but basically my friends did text abt doing dinner and i was like 'im sorry i cant tn feel free to go w/o me or lmk if you wanna do another day' and ofc i caught stupid messages back just like 'booooooooooo' 'i cant till next week at least' 'what time r u busy til eye roll' and ill be honest here i fucking lied not that i should have to even give some big explanation but i was like 'well i have class till 5 (theoretically i would) and then have a meeting that doesnt have an end time' basically pretended the one from yesterday. and then i even sent a followup like 'if you guys end up just hanging out at someones place or you grab drinks or anything ill try to stop by later on' and the one sends a message back like 'do you think if we planned on a day next week you could commit to that?' fucking condescending as hell and to that i literally said 'Hm well idk' and then they were just like 'No days next week?' 'just wondering i mean bc maybe the three of us can just go and then we can plan on something lower commitment some other time.' fuck you first of all. and then a 'i get it if it's too last minute!' from my one friend um so thanks to her i guess and i sent smth kinda snarky back like 'well it's not like we had an actual commitment for any day but by all means go and ill certainly try to carve time out in my schedule some other time yeah!' and ive had the notifs muted bc i just dont want to deal with it rn. why am i not allowed to not be available why am i automatically some flaky low commitment bitch who has to be constantly berated in the chat while yall also ignore pretty much everything i say. im not doing that. and this just confirms my suspicions that they already see me in a certain way why should i have to bother when i HAVE still tried to see them and at least offer alternatives when i cant make it to things. also the semester just started like
#unfortunately i got a couple notifs when i opened my laptop didnt read all of them but if they backtracked like.#what am i supposed to do. apologize. you guys are being dickheads#like. no one answered when i said i Might key word Might be available tmrw (today) and other than that it was kind of them#going back and forth abt a couple days during the week and then Theoretically thinking abt today#there was no plan. and to be honest yeah i just dont feel great so technically i am flaking i fucking guess#but honestly way to make someone who is borderline suicidal feel like an even more shitty person lmfao#not to be dramatic i would not. do that. and its not on them. but i can tell you i had to try real hard to get a grip last night#abby talks#so basically idk where to go from here i think im just gonna nap rn and then well we'll reassess
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anyway did you know that you can forget youre forgetting things. thats pretty crazy
#i need to preface this with an 'i am ok right now'#However. i Am feeling synonymous to seeing the grass move but not being sure where.#like when u take a bowl of candy and shake it and its 'well i know for sure its changed visibly but i couldnt tell you where.'#piktalk#it kind of is but is less of 'These Experiences Just Disappeared And I Did Not Do Them In My Mind's Eye'#and is more of 'im Pretty Sure this happened and could argue that it did--#--but it no longer feels first-person in that it couldve been a dream or a story and i wouldn't really be surprised.'#or umm. an 'ok is that really what happened or am i just lying to myself really really hard.' its hard to explain.#anyway. i keep putting something here then Not Doing That. this means something but unfortunately . !
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Forgot to mention that I finished my ela project that was due in November. Finally. Its 8,334 words.
#it doesnt have a full ending bc i talked to my teacher and she said i could leave it as a cliffhanger#its 8000 words over the required length 👍👍#why cant i apply that kind of motivation to my personal stuff#like yeah it took three months but its the longest thing ive ever written i think#if only i was comfortable working on fics at school#speaking of which. i think im gonna make a sideblog for my fanfics cause i know not everyone wants to see that#[insert cool original post tag]#this sounds kinda like im bragging bc um. i am#SORRY OKAY IT MAKES ME FEEL WEIRD TO BRAG#BUT IM REALLY PROUD OF THIS#for once#unfortunately i couldn't make it as gay as i wanted bc. teacher#and i had 2 get it peer edited
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it should be illegal to be this tired all the time and the consequence should be free speed. or meth? or having a court order to never get out of bed prior to 10 am. idk
#are those the same thing#whatever the cycle is like try to go to sleep at reasonable time such as 10:30-11 > lie awake for 30 mins to ?? hours depending on drugs#> eventually fall asleep but wake up circa 430-5 am (already bright outside) > catastrophize and get consumed by anxiety and other#mental illness for hour+ > maybe eventually fall asleep again > alarm goes off at 7:35 > hit snooze thrice > pry myself out of bed 20 mins#later than i should > spend day so tired i'm about to start crying > nap if i am lucky#any time i have to consistently be awake before like 9 or 10 am its like this regardless of how much sleep i get and its evil i want to die#unfortunately i'm the kind of person who needs 9-10 hours of sleep to feel normal and needless to say this doesn't happen unless i take a#sleeping pill. but watch out!#me
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Shot for Detective Conan/Magic Kaito style this time but its somehow so much harder for my hand… I was a lot less diligent in my observation for this one, next time I will pay more attention to line characteristics and lighting styles lol
#wake of the clash#dcmk#style copy#superhero#character art#oc#thought it would be fun to put glass and strike in this style considering how much my work has been influenced by these series#(for better or worse lol)#not my favorite style tbh but i adore aoyama’s older style(which i kind of just missed with this lol)#the design choices are so opposite to what i enjoy unfortunately lol so its hard to draw#but i am a person of simple needs… kaito kid appears on screen and i go apeshit✨
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How do you expect me to respect you as a person if you won't even bother separating your number ranges with en dashes in official documents, huh??? Your worth is as small as those hyphens you cannot stop inserting between numbers who have done NOTHING to deserve this 😤
#the author of this report im reading is full of crap#so it tracks#ofc he is also the kind of person to use hyphens to separate number ranges#its literally ALT+0150 my dude it's not that hard!#beloved mutuals who also have an unfortunate hyphen addiction...#i know this and i love you#though i am also judging you a little bit#for reference this is wrong: 50-55#this is RIGHT: 50–55#*this* is an utter abomination: 50—55#DIE
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I don't know how to say "my gender is something nonhuman and not able to be comprehended while adhering to our current society's standards of what men and women are supposed to be, never mind the fact that my preferred form is not a human body at all" without the other person being concerned...
#It goes beyond furry really i just don't feel like I'm human at all. I never really have#And i don't mean not a person although when I'm very depressed or the PTSD is hitting i get that too#I mean a non human person. But people either think I'm severely ill or joking when I say that and i unfortunately(?) am not#It's not even like I'm kin of a media species or person or whatever. I just don't see myself as human but i could draw it#I don't know how to put it into words. It sort of shapeshifts. But its core is the same#But either way when i look at myself in pictures or the mirror i don't recognize it as being me. I know it is logically but#It feels like I'm inhabiting a body that isn't mine. Like I'm in a costume or playing a game#Its kind of distressing sometimes but I've basically learned to live with the feeling. I probably will never own my body and idk#It's fine i guess. I don't know what it's like to be comfortable in your body or love it or whatever. I don't know if i ever will#And I've kind of given up hope on that changing. All i can do is pretend it doesn't bother me and keep going#Although i guess that's my outlook on.. everything lol#Whats the opposite of learned helplessness.. saying it's self reliance sounds too good.. it's more like learned lack of trust
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im sorry i never interact wif anybody ever on this webbed site its bc im always eating shit and i never check my notifications. i see shit on mai dash from people i followed when i was 11 and reblog the funnies and unfollow the lame posts and das it. robooty is not checkin the itager tag literally ever
#its bc i love itager its my blood sweat body soul and thats why i cant consume content of it ever by other people#because 90% of people who love germany x italy fucking suck#they are transphobic or annoying or cringe or dont get them at all or like auf weidersehen sweetheart (my literal antichrist)#and i am insane about them so if i see someone who gets them wrong i go 'why are you lying on the internet?' and leave#robooty is kind of crazy he only consumes what his friends r smoking bc were all on the same page#only my homeboy eighteencu can do itager in a way i dont do because theyre my homeboy i will always love my chinese homeslice 🥳#i need to check da tag tho.... bc i want to find more of my people... im just a difficult person to get along with unfortunately 💔
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me to my parents: yeah i think im allergic to pineapple cause when i eat it it feels like my mouth is filled with bees
both of my parents: what isnt that normal???
#me and my sister were just like 🤔🤔🤔 no it is not wtf#i have been told that eating pineapple isnt supposed to fucking hurt your mouth unless you eat a good amount#and like it rlly only does that when its like raw pineapple#this is unfortunate cause um....pineapple is my favorite candy/soda flavor 😂#but luckily those are mostly artificial and do not sting me :)#tbh this isnt that suprising coming from the ppl who eat raw lemons/limes for funsies#like oh yeah theyre supposed to hurt your mouth obviously 🥴#i think maybe also kiwis? like ive been told kiwis are not supposed to be as sour as i thought they were?????#but kiwis are one of my favs so i am.... not gonna stop eating them#im the kind of person where i do not stop eating something even if the thing is killing me :)#like if i was allergic to peanuts.... it wouldnt stop me#id make it like a yearly treat like once a year i can have a peanut treat for funsies with the epipen ready :)#personal#also unsuprising sconsidering how much milk i consume as a lactose intolerant person lmao
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you ever love people and humanity and the inherent Good of it so much it aches and hurts your heart , because you never see it. its never really been there for you to see it. you’ve only ever experienced the bad of it, but you’re so in love with the idea, you want to breathe and be alive just for the chance to see it ?
you ever just do that?
#rambles of a mad man#a quote i think about constantly is “you haven’t even met half the people who are going to love you yet”#and its just so ..#the world is bad and everything is falling apart right now. i’m in an abusive household with no way out and have been for a long time#ive had a habit of being in very toxic relationships with people#so its very easy for me to fall into the line of thinking that all people are inherently evil and want to hurt me and use me all the time#and i was stuck thinking that for a while#but then i met people who love me and showed it! and it was scary because Wow i didnt know people could. do that!#and ive gained a lot more love and appreciation through that. and its still very scary sometimes because im aware i dont really know#how to deal with it all#i dont know how to react to a lot of affection i receive#but its made me fall in love with the idea of people.. even if i am still afraid to meet new ones because my old line of thinking is still#in there somewhere unfortunately… but then i read stories of people experiencing random acts of kindness from strangers#or pictures of people in art museums or pictures of kids and their dads laughing together in public#and then i think oh… people are good actually ….#i daydream about dancing with friends in a kitchen or whatever#or walking through a city and going in shops and looking at all the little trinkets together#walking in a park when its late at night just talking and talking and talking.. talking until the sun rises#isnt that what being a person is all about? just being good with people?#ive been a very angry person for a very long time and i still am#but sometimes i’ll have nights like these where i just want to live .for people#and then i cry about it#sorry im having one of those nights im thinking a lot#thought id share. idk#congrats if you read this far hi :)
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