#the whole site was a red flag and i KNEW it was gonna be in the T&C but seriously BE CAREFUL

[scribonia-art]

PSA for TTS users: DO NOT USE SPEECHIFY

- the site supports and provides celebrity voice deepfakes

- uses generated images in web design and marketing

- made the T&Cs difficult to find and they have these clauses which is a wall of text but reads (to me) as "Nothing you submit is private, and we can use everything you submit for literally anything we want and there is nothing you can do about it"

- these things combined (to me) implies a data scraping trap

I honestly would avoid any tools like this that have cropped up in the post-2020 generative media boom; as with all things, read the T&Cs of any new tools you want to use very carefully

[perksofhs]

‘I think that might be the sexiest thing you have ever said to me’

This was requested literally a year ago, I hope I did the prompt justice! Also it sort of goes along with ‘Please forgive me, I need you baby’, kind of like a prequel! xx

(Warnings: smut and mature content but also some fluff too, minors DNI) 

You hated going to parties, Harry thrived in those kinds of setting, you however did not. You’d spent most parties by Harry’s side, admiring his ability to talk to anyone like they’re old friends, never shy or embarrassed not matter the topic of discussion. You admired that about him, his outgoing personality balanced your somewhat introverted one. 

You’d been at the party for an hour or so, and if you were honest, you weren’t really sure whose party it actually was, but either way you were there, milling about with a few acquaintances, Harry carrying the conversation as usual. You take another sip of the quite large glass of red in your hand, scanning the room as it filled with more and more people, trying to pick out anyone familiar when your eyes landed on the last person you wanted to see, Mel. Mel was a ‘friend’ of Harry’s, but it was abundantly clear to anyone who watched them interact that she wanted Harry and Harry was oblivious. 

Whenever they hung out she was always touching him in any way she could, an exaggerated laugh that ended in her hand playfully swatting at his chest, or her touching his bicep as she spoke to him. It was obvious that she was flirting, and it pissed you off every time you were witness to her behaviour. After all, Harry was yours. You trusted him fully, but Harry’s biggest flaw was undoubtedly his ability to see the best in everyone whilst completely missing large red flags. 

Mel caught you staring, faking a smile before sauntering over to the two of you. “Harry!” she chirped, completely ignoring you, Harry turning and greeting her with a big smile. “Hey Mel! I didn’t know you were coming!” “You know I never turn down a good party” she says, giving Harry a hug that lasted longer than you would like. Mel turns to you, another fake smile thrown your way “Oh hey I didn’t even see you there! How are you?” she says, her voice sickly sweet. You attempt to force a somewhat believable smile before responding with a “Yeah good thank you”, Mel already focussing her attention back on Harry before you could finish your sentence. For the next 45 minutes she dominated the conversation, the acquaintances involved people slowly but surely wandering away until it was just the three of you left, and by then you had downed two more large glasses of red and were well and truly tipsy. 

On top of being borderline drunk you were more than a little angry, you were filthy, seething even. Mel had gotten on every last one of your nerves and then some. Your heart was racing as Mel continued to carry on about something stupid probablym you really couldn’t focus on anything but how much you couldn’t stand her. “So Harry, I’m planning on heading to Malibu next weekend, do you want to tag along?” Mel says completely ignoring you in these plans of course. “I mean we’re no-” “Sorry Mel we’ve got plans, remember baby?” You say confidently, taking Harry by surprise as you cut him off. “Come on Harry I was planning on hitting up that vintage shop you love” Mel says boldly. “Sorry Mel did you not hear me? We have plans and they don’t include you” you spit back, Harry remaining quiet not daring to show how much he was loving this side of you. You could tell Mel was pissed but trying to cover it up, “Alrighty then, I’m gonna go get another drink” she says, walking away in a huff. “Baby you ok?” Harry says, turning to face you. “No Harry she’s ridiculous! She just tried to invite you on a weekend away with her! Who the fuck does she think she is?” You were pissed and Harry was turned on. “Don’t worry about it, I’d never go, although I do like that vintage shop” he joked, leaning to kiss your forehead.

Your mind was spinning, which may have been the alcohol, but you needed to show Mel that you weren’t intimidated by her. Suddenly you grab Harry’s hand, pulling him up the stairs of whoever’s house this was and into the first bedroom you find, closing the door behind you before pushing him up against the wall. Harry looked at you slightly shocked as to what was happening “what are yo-” you cut him off with a kiss, the anger and alcohol surging through your veins. You fisted his hair, deepening the kiss before dragging your hands over his chest, down his torso and eagerly fiddling with the buttons on his pants as he pulled your shirt over your head, tossing it somewhere else in the room along with his pants. Harry wrapped his arms around your waist lifting you up as you instinctively wrapped your legs around his torso, your lips remained on his as he carried you to the bed, throwing you down before hastily pulling your pants down your legs. “I don’t know what has gotten into you but I fucking love it” Harry says, tearing his shirt off and taking you in for a moment before leaning down trail kisses down your collar bone, his hand finding your inner thigh. You writhe at his touch, knowing exactly what he was about to do. He takes his time gently tugging your underwear down before positioning himself over you, placing his lips back on yours. This was all too slow for you; you were hot and needy, and you couldn’t wait any longer. You reached down, hastily tugging his briefs down, before grazing your fingers along him, feeling him grow harder and harder as you reach the tip. You knew it sent him wild. “Stop” he moans, firmly grabbing both of your hands and putting them above your head, holding them in place with one hand, the other trailing along your belly and down to where you so desperately needed him. His fingertips finally reach the sensitive skin, rubbing achingly slow circles with his thumb and forefinger, a moan leaving your lips as the motions quicken. “Harry please” you beg, bucking your hips up, needing him. Harry obliged releasing your hands, lining up, giving himself two pumps before crashing his lips back on yours as he pushed himself in. You feel yourself stretch around him; the first movement slow to allow you to adjust before he quickened his pace. You take a sharp breath as you feel him go deeper and deeper with every thrust. Your legs wrap around his back, needing him to go even deeper. Your breath quickens along with his, a string of uncontrollable moans leaving your mouth. The anger from the night was slowly dissipating as the two of you got lost in each other. 

Your fingers gripped his shoulders tighter as the two of you began to hit your peaks. Just as you were nearly there, the tingle in your toes already building, the door creaks open followed by the sounds of heels and an unbearably whiny voice called out ‘Harry? Harry hun are you in here?’. You knew who it was before she even opened her mouth, but you didn’t let it stop you. Harry’s head snapped up, disconnecting his lips from your neck ‘For fucks sake Mel don’t you knock? Fuck off!’ a smirk growing on your lips the second the words left his mouth. Mel looked like a deer in headlights, you swear you see her knees almost buckle at the site of you as her cheeks grew more red by the second ‘I fuck- uh I’m sorry, shit I’ll j-, I’ll just leave’ she said in an absolute panic as she tried to avert her eyes but you weren’t trying to avoid her gaze, instead something spurred you on, wanting to really make crystal fucking clear that he was your, not hers. You ground your hips harder against Harry’s, he hadn’t dared to stop throughout this whole ordeal as he was desperately close to hitting his climax. You moaned his name loud enough for Mel to hear as she scrambled her way out of the room. The door slammed shut and you bit your lip, allowing yourself a small moment of victory before turning your full attention back to the man between your legs. ‘She’s gone baby, now finish me’ you whispered in Harry’s ear, eliciting an almost pornographic moan from his lips as he quickened his pace, reaching down to rub your sensitive bud, wanting to push the both of you over the edge so badly. The second his ring-clad fingers touch you you’re gone, the tingle starting in your toes as the coil tightened in your belly, ‘baby, I’m near- fffuck, nearly ther-oh god’ you moaned as the coil snapped and you lose it, hitting your peak. Your toes curled, fingers digging into Harrys broad shoulders as you rode out your intense orgasm. Harry continued to thrust deep into you, becoming just slightly sloppier, relishing in the moment as he’s finally pushed over the edge as well ‘shit you’re so fucking good baby, so fucking good’ he panted as he came, taking you in as he started to come down off his high. Allowing his body to collapse atop of yours, Harrys lips found your jaw once more, placing wet kisses on your jawbone. “God love you so fucking much” he says taking a moment to rest his head on your chest, a giddy smile on his face, “I love you too baby” you said, placing a kiss on the top of his just slightly sweaty forehead. 

“I was going to suggest that we go back out to the party but If I’m being totally honest, all I want to do is go home and do this all over again, what do you say?” Harry says, shifting from his position up onto his feet, reaching a hand out to pull you with him. “I think that might be the sexiest thing you have ever said to me” you teased, stealing one last kiss before the two of you got dressed and made your way back out to the bustling party hand-in hand. It was obvious to anyone who saw you what had just transpired, but you couldn’t care less what any of these strangers thought. You walked back into the main living area, to collect your things, immediately spotting Mel standing rather awkwardly with a group of people, trying to ignore your smug look. Harry led you through the room, waving a few quick goodbyes as you made your way out of the house and into the waiting Uber. You knew that Harry, being the kind person he is, would eventually apologise to Mel for everything but that didn’t put a damper on your victory because all that mattered was she finally knew that Harry was yours, and only yours. You’d won and god did it feel fucking good. 

Hi lovelies, this was requested pretty much a year ago but my goodness I’ve been through so much in this last year that I haven’t had much time to write. I hope you enjoy reading this little piece, I surely enjoyed writing it! If you have any requests just let me know. All the love, E xxx

[my-hyperfixations]

Hi this is my Fundywastaken Wedding rant

So I’m a relatively new fan. I’ve only been a fan of these streamers/the smp for a couple of weeks, but I knew what it was because my friend would rant about it to me.

Now as a person on tumblr, pinterest, AO3, and many other fandom sites, I got sucked into the shipping, relatively Dreamnotfound. I heard about some of the things Dream did on the SMP and I was like “Man he sounds like a jerk why do people like him” and my friend said “Oh yea he did all that stuff ‘cause Tommy burned down George’s house” I legit looked at her and went “... wait he literally tortured people and got put into prison because a child burned down his friend’s house?” “Yep” “Man, talk about a simp.”

I’ve also seen different streams and compilations of DNF and such. 

I would say I’m a relatively peaceful shipper, but sometimes I can get a bit intense. Not really with this ship though. (okay maybe a little bit)

Now, I had known that Fundy and Dream were going to get married in minecraft, but I didn’t really know the outcome. 

I like Fundy. He’s a really talented streamer. But there were some things that I heard about that kinda made me question his relationship with Dream.

First off, and I know y’all have probably heard this millions of times, but Fundy proposes after one date? Guaranteed, he did an AMAZING job setting it up.....but still? One date?  

Second off, I’m not really clear about the whole ‘honeymoon’ thing, but there’s something about how Dream hates iron doors?? and that’s what Fundy made their honeymoon suite out of?? I don’t know about y’all but that’s a big red flag for me. 

Then there’s the wedding. 

So first off, I loved this video, I actually just watched it for the first time a couple of hours ago. 

The outfits? Amazing.

Fundy’s skills? Perfection.

The map? Absolutely stunning. 

Tommy and Ranboo as the flowers girls while humming the Avengers theme? Glorious.

Wilbur being the priest? Fabulous. 

Sapnap being Dream’s Dad and giving him away? Wholesome. 

I genuinely liked the wedding and relatively enjoyed it, since Fundy seemed so excited to marry Dream and all that. Dream was also really impressed with Fundy and for this moment, everything seemed like it would be fine. 

But there were a couple of red flags I noticed, along with a couple other things. 

So first off, again y’all have heard this before, but the hesitation from Dream? He is silent for waaaaaay to long after Wilbur does the whole “Do you accept Fundy as a partner” thing. Silent way too long he couldn’t have used an excuse such as “sorry I zoned out” or something. Also, how throughout the majority of the wedding, Dream just kept looking around while meanwhile Fundy’s camera stays fixated on Dream for practically the entire time of the wedding. This was kinda normal but it just stuck out to me. 

There was also the silence. Now as a DreamNotFound shipper, I wanted to know what George thought of it as I had not really heard what he thought of it beforehand. George was silent through practically the entire time, (except the end but hang on I’ll get there in a sec) the only time he really ‘says’ anything is when he puts the “:’)” emoji in the chat. This made me think he might not be connected to audio, so I was like “oh okay he can’t really say anything alright.”

Also the vows? I ranted about this to my sister. Fundy’s seemed so personalized and dedicated to Dream, describing their relationship and Fundy’s devotion to him. But Dream’s? It practically sounds like he made them up on the spot. Almost like he wasn’t prepared. And it wasn’t necessarily all that special to Fundy, it’s the typical ‘You make me happy’ speech. 

And then there’s the objection.

When I tell you my jaw dropped, I mean my sister looked over at me and she just goes “What happened? What happened did someone do something tell me now!” (My sister is a minor fan after she listens to me rant about it, she’s also a dnf shipper) 

I was so shocked, like I was kinda expecting it but I thought that was just the fangirl side of me being like “oh it’s gonna be canon” as in “the fans are gonna ignore canon and pretend this happened” type thing but no?? George actually did it?? AND AT THE WEDDING?? 

(I’m sorry but George not knowing how to get on stage tho lol)

George pushing Dream off the stage and hitting Fundy and Wilbur?? The part of me that was liking the wedding was like “wHAT” while the dnf shipper side of me was like “oH MY GOD IT’S HAPPENING IT’S ACTUALLY HAPPENING”

And the kiss? 

I’ve literally thought about this for hours. 

George straight up kisses Dream?? I screamed? Like both in fangirl and in both wedding disaster horror? George actually kisses Dream. Then there’s the whole “I did what I had to do.” “What, kiss me?!” thing. Dream appears to be verbally and outwardly mad about George ‘interrupting’ the wedding,  but like ..... idk man i don’t know what to think anymore.

The drama that ensures when Sapnap drags George away from Dream and everyone huddles around Dream and Fundy. Holy crap I got anxiety just watching it. 

Then Tommy asks “Dream, did you pull away when George kissed you?” 

And George says “No he didn’t, no he did’t!”

Fundy’s heartbroken “Why?” 

AND DREAM STRAIGHT UP LEAVES?! 

Now first off, this is minecraft. It’s a flipping video game. All Dream could’ve done was press a button/move his mouse whatever and he would’ve moved away from George. But he didn’t? 

Now I know this is all acting but DANG WHY AM I SO ADDICTED TO ANGST?!

Dream leaves? Now I can understand why, he was getting pressurized by everyone and probably felt overwhelmed, but .................. i have no words for it. Why did he leave? Was it just simply because he felt pressurized like everyone is saying on this site? Or was it for some other reason? 

Dream did hesitate to say “I do.” 

This is all acting, but holy crap. This is so much drama right now and even the fandom is torn over it.

It’s been four months.

I’m going to need a part two explaining on whether Dream and Fundy are going to make up, if they’re going to split peacefully, if it’s true that Dream secretly was in love with George? I NEED ANSWERS IM SO TORN ABOUT THIS I CANT EVEN THINK OH MY GOD AAAAAAAAAAASDLKFALSDKGHAL 

[let-this-ship-sink-already]

So… do you mind giving us your opinion on the latest pap pic? It’s just…it feels off. I can sense tomdaya stans are gonna be saying I told you so and everyone else is supportive but for me it feels off. I guess PR like you said but that’s just waving a red flag at a bull to say a bold statement like that.

Just…what’s your take on this whole thing?

Definitely PR. Whether they are truly dating or not, I don’t know, but they can use their relationship for PR as well, so… Only time will tell, whether they are truly dating. Ask me again, a year/two years after Spiderman 3 is out.

Some facts, that scream PR to me:

- The pics are staged, they knew they were being followed and kept their eyes on the paparazzo, multiple angles were used.

- The kiss was short and awkward, perfectly timed during a red light, when the paparazzo had a good view of them.

- They had no real interaction for 4 months prior to the PDA pics, they spent Tom’s birthday apart even though he could have visited her. Unless they had a long distance relationship, I don’t see them going public a few days after dating/casually seeing one another.

- All the news magazines/sites had the inside scoop, minutes after the photos popped up and seemingly were informed beforehand.

- Spiderman needs promotion too, despite being part of Marvel/Sony.

- Both need clout because their latest movies failed to perform box office wise. Many articles casually dropped current projects, like „Space Jam“ for Zendaya and „Cherry“ for Tom.

What I don’t get is, why you would waste years of friendship for a little bit of PR? And if they truly are dating, why not wait it out until after Spiderman is out, so people don’t even get the idea, it could be fake?

So much that does not add up. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

[taylizmasterpost]

Reconciliation and Late-Stage Tayliz (September 2014 - Present)

Despite not seeing each other for a while, Taylor and Liz clearly still hold a soft spot in each other’s hearts.

During the Secret Sessions for 1989 in Nashville, fans took pictures in Taylor’s home, and you can clearly see she has photos from Charleston displayed:

When it came time to mend the fences between Taylor and Liz, Claire Callaway was the one who ended up doing it:

2 October 2014 - Claire tweets a TBT to the Charleston trip. Liz responds to it:

That seems to get the ball rolling, because when Taylor drops Out of the Woods as a single, this happens:

14 October 2014 - Taylor and Liz tweet about how much they miss each other:

Then, when Taylor walks the runaway with Karlie at the VSFS, this happens:

Taylor is with Karlie at the time, and obviously nothing romantic is happening on Liz’s end either, because...

20 December 2014 - Liz gets engaged to Bryan Brown and has dinner with friends:

16 February 2015 - Liz tweets that Taylor is badass

8 April 2016 - Liz makes this gay post on Facebook that I’d like to think is a response to Style, since the MV had come out a few months before:

And Liz seems to have found a group of gay friends...

Although, that could just be a typo.

15 July 2015 - Liz posts on Facebook that “Thanks to some really talented friends, I got to record something beautiful today. Can’t wait to share this one.” The picture she attaches definitely looks like Taylor:

Liz also tweets this:

We do NOT know where Taylor was that day. However, she performed in DC on the 1989 tour on the 14th and was papped in NYC on the 16th so it’s not impossible she was in Nashville working on something with Liz. Unfortunately, whatever they worked on has yet to surface (unless you subscribe to the theory that Liz is WB...)

3 August 2015 - Shawn Brooks releases a song called Matter of Time that was written sometime in 2014 by Liz.

Notable lyrics include:

She’s got me lovestruck, crazy Going out of my mind She’s got me lovestruck, crazy But sooner or later, she’s gonna be mine It’s just a matter of time

Don’t know what this means for Liz or TayLiz, since Liz has been with Bryan since early 2013 at the latest, but this is very gay and fun.

27 August 2015 - Thirst tweet:

31 August 2015 - Liz calls Taylor sexy in response to the Wildest Dreams MV:

15 October 2015 - Liz tweets about Better Than Revenge:

28 October 2015 -  Liz quote tweets Taylor about OOTW acoustic:

11 November 2015 - Liz responds to Caitlin’s tweet tagging Taylor about nostalgia:

9 December 2015 - Liz congratulates Taylor on her Grammy noms:

13 December 2015 - Taylor’s birthday. Liz wishes her HBD:

29 January 2016 - Liz says her favorite song from 1989 is This Love:

15 February 2016 - Liz and Taylor both attend UMG’s Grammys afterparty at the Ace Hotel Theater :

26 February 2016 - Liz posts a TBT to Charleston:

16 April 2016 - Liz and Taylor both attend Coachella:

6 May 2016 - Liz tweets about This Love:

10 May 2016 - Liz possibly writes STFU and Hold Me (likely about Bryan, since he’s out on tour with the woman he’s going to leave Liz for, signaling to me that their relationship is on the fritz):

4 August 2016 - Liz posts a throwback to the Vogue photoshoot at the Bowery.

3 September 2016 - Liz and Bryan’s last interaction on Twitter:

(Bryan had been on tour with Jillian -- who he’d later marry -- and tweeting at her all summer, much more than he’d been tweeting with Liz). It’s important to note the way their relationship ended for when we start studying who Liz’s songs are about.

26 November 2016 - Liz tweets about Clean, possibly signaling her and Bryan have broken up by this point:

13 December 2016 - Liz wishes Taylor happy birthday with a post about Charleston (captions vary based on site). This also signals to me that her and Bryan are over, since she’s reminiscing on Taylor picking her up off the ground after her breakup with Jason:

11 July 2017 - Liz tells a fan that You Are In Love and All Too Well are her favorite songs from 1989 and Red (guess her favorite song is no longer This Love…):

11 August 2017 - Liz releases STFU and Hold Me:

This MV has a LOT of parallels to the IKYWT video. The lyrics talk about “staring with a bang” (”took off faster than a green light go”?), and reckless abandon (”this path is reckless”). MV parallels are as follows (thank you @mercuryonparklane​ for all the help finding this):

(notice the key necklace?)

So, either Liz is lowkey ripping off Taylor’s work or she’s trying to signal that she was the muse for IKYWT. However, considering Liz is deliberately trying to keep her image separate from Taylor, it doesn’t make any sense that she would try and rip her off. Of course, it could just be a big coincidence...

30 September 2017 - In an interview with The Young Folks, Liz says that STFU and Hold Me is about “getting to that point in a relationship where you’re sick of going around and around talking about the same issue with your partner and it’s time to wave the white flag,” Huett says. “We’ve all been there.”

Of the lyrics “I’m coming from a line of problems / I was born and I became a product” Liz says “I’m not exactly the most polished person. I’d rather be real than perfect and sometimes that means I say things that make people uncomfortable or act out in relationships and test limits, etc… I’m an honest mess but I believe I can and should be loved in light of that. :)”

I still think this song was written about the end of her relationship with Bryan, but it’s still interesting to see how Liz describes herself in relationships.

27 October 2017 - Liz releases H8U

This is another song that I think was written about Bryan. The lyrics reference taking another woman to a Tom Petty concert (Liz LOVES Tom Petty) and generally moving on quickly with another woman, which seems apt for the Bryan/Jillian situation going on.

HOWEVER, the lyrics also reference “our first date two years ago,” which doesn’t make any sense, since Liz and Bryan didn’t break up until 2016 and were together since early 2013. So it could maybe be lyrically about Taylor.

I do think the MV makes a deliberate Taylor reference, though, with the interrupting the wedding scene. Taylor famously had Liz dress as the Bridezilla on the Speak Now album art:

And, at the end of the H8U MV, Liz DOES kiss the blonde bride on the mouth after interrupting her wedding... which is... INTERESTING (especially since Liz is dressed in full RED the whole MV):

I don’t think it’s a stretch to presume Liz could’ve reversed their roles here. IDK.

9 November 2017 - Liz makes her “H8U, love these” playlist on Spotify, which features All Too Well.

1 November 2017 - Liz obsesses over Reputation:

15 November 2017 - Taylor posts an IG story with photos of her Liz and Caitlin in Australia in the background:

13 December 2017 - Liz wishes Taylor happy birthday:

20 December 2017 - In a now deleted tweet Liz obsesses over New Year’s Day

6 April 2018 - Liz releases Don’t LV U Anymore. Here are some interesting lyrics:

I don't steal your chapstick anymore / Don't wake up to your kiss anymore / And I don't have a washer and dryer full of guitar picks anymore / 'Cause you don't come over to my place anymore / Don't flirt with my roommate anymore / And I don't run to your friends / To get them on my side when we fight anymore / And I never say it / I keep it inside / But maybe I'm wasted / Or maybe it's time to get this off my chest, babe / ... / I don't love you anymore / But I don't love you any less / I don't play you my songs anymore / To see if they're good anymore / You don't tell me your secrets / 'Cause you don't know if I keep them to myself anymore / I don't go to church anymore / Don't know what to believe anymore / And I don't remember the beat of your heart / The smell of your car anymore / ... / Two years and counting / Still got all this weight on my chest / Two years and counting / And I can't remember what I can't forget

Based on the “two years and counting” line, as well as the line about a washer and dryer of guitar picks, I’m inclined to believe this is another song about Bryan. 

However, it is a really similar sentiment to that Civil Wars song Liz posted back when her and Taylor first ended things, and the line about running to get friends on a side when fighting is very similar to the “you go talk to your friends, talk to my friends talk to me” in WANEGBT and the image in Battle/Let’s Go of all their friends standing around watching them fight. Could go either way.

9 April 2018 - Liz reposts a Facebook post announcing Dammit that implies it was written a while ago. But we already knew that.

19 May 2018 - Reputation in Pasadena. Liz attends. Surprise Song: All Too Well. Camila Cabello is the opening act.  

27 May 2018 - Liz gives an interview at Bottlerock festival where she says that Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus is a song she used to get over someone (likely Bryan). She also says Havana was the song she last had stuck in her head -- probably because Camila performed it at Taylor’s show the previous week.

14 March 2019 - Liz makes a happy birthday post for Antoni (who’s dating her friend Trace):

27 April 2019 - Bryan and Jillian get married:

3 May 2019 - Liz releases Nothing Personal:

This feels like DIRECT BRYAN SHADE, since she released it right after his wedding. However, you definitely could also read it as being about being let go from The Agency.

Early May 2019 - Taylor shoots YNTCD. Her and Antoni bond over their love of The National (keep in mind Taylor would end up asking a member of the National to work on exile with her):

17 June 2019 - Liz likes Taylor’s post announcing YNTCD is out:

26 June 2019 - Liz posts on IG a video of unreleased song “One of These Days” with the caption “i’m emo” Lyrics:

One of these days I’ll rise above the blue / One of these days when I get sober too / I’ll be flying high you know / Gonna say I told you so / One of these days I’ll rise above the blue / The stars will align / My heart will come back to life / I won’t have to cry anymore / Someday soon, when I / When I get over you / One of these nights I’m gonna get some sleep / One of these nights you won’t be in my dreams / I will lay this love to rest / I will miss you in this bed / One of these nights I’m gonna get some sleep / The stars will align / My heart will come back to life / I won't have to cry anymore / Someday soon, someday / When I get over you

More evidence that Liz does, indeed, struggle with the things that Reddit post suggested.

14 August 2019 - Liz posts on IG a video of an unreleased song called “I Wanted It to Be You” with the caption “I really did” and a red rose emoji. Lyrics:

I’ll find someone else to take your place / In no time at all I’ll be okay / So you don’t have to say it babe / We don’t have to cry / ‘Cause I know you got shit to do / And baby so do I / I’ll find someone else to take your place, hey / I wanted it to be you I’m closing down the bar with / I wanted it to be you I’m fighting in the car with / Who I could push away / Come back and beg to stay / Ooh, I wanted it, I wanted it, I wanted it / I wanted it to be you

Likely for Bryan BUT maybe a red rose grew up out of frozen ground with no one around to tweet it (lol I’m joking the lakes is very likely not about Liz).

22 August 2019 - Taylor releases the Lover MV, featuring the “breakable heaven” board game:

In the bottom left corner, you can spot a blue 0527. May 27th is Liz’s birthday. What does this mean? I don’t know. I absolutely do not know, but whatever it is is driving me INSANE.

28 August 2019 - Liz posts on Twitter a screenshot of her listening to Cornelia Street:

16 October 2019 - Liz comments on a fan’s video of Taylor performing at the NPR Tiny Desk concert saying “she cute”:

19 November 2019 - Liz says on IG that her favorite songs from Lover are The Archer and Cornelia Street:

22 November 2019 - Liz releases That’s What You Get. This is the one late-stage Liz song that I FULLY BELIEVE is about TayLiz due to a few very specific lyric parallels:

“That’s what you get when you recklessly fall in love” >> “This path is reckless” from Treacherous

“That’s what you get for keeping your armor up” >> “You come around and the armor falls” from State of Grace >> “I would put my armor down if you said you’d rather love than fight” from Story of Us.

“And all your friends are lining up to hate me” >> “You go talk to your friends talk to my friends talk to me” from WANEGBT >> “First shot’s fired everybody’s gathered around” from Battle >> “I can't run to your friends anymore / To get them on my side when we fight anymore” from Don’t LV U Anymore.

It also, just from an outside perspective, doesn’t make any sense for Liz to write a breakup song about Bryan blaming herself when it seems very clear to me that they broke up because Bryan wanted to be with Jillian instead. That’s not her fault. So either this is about another breakup (I’d guess Taylor, based on the lyric parallels), or she’s just very very self-loathing and won’t let herself think it’s Bryan’s fault (which both H8U and Nothing Personal don’t suggest to me).

25 November 2016 - Liz posts a video on her IG story about Taylor at the VMAs.

6 December 2019 - Liz talks about That’s What You get with Earmilk and gives an interesting quote: 

Huett explains, “This song is about facing myself after a brutal season of running from it... I made a self-destructive choice that hurt someone I really value. The angle of the chorus is really sort of a letter to me after that first long look in the mirror. It SUCKED. However, in owning my shit (and sharing this song) my hope is that listeners might apply the sad lesson without having to learn the hard way, or, if they’ve ever found themselves in the regretful position I was once in, I hope this song can at least make them feel less alone."

This is SO DIFFERENT fro mhow her relationship with Bryan ended, but matches up so well with Liz getting help and owning her shit after spiraling in 2012.

24 July 2020 - Folklore drops. Two of the songs are written by the mysterious William Bowery. One of those songs is Betty -- a popular nickname for Elizabeth. Liz tweets at Taylor about the 1 because all of Taylor’s exes wanna think that song is about them.

So, IN CONCLUSION: Liz got help and worked through her shit and they’re on good terms now. They were possibly working on something together in 2015, although that never saw the light of day as far as we know. Liz seems to maybe be referencing Taylor in her music and MVs, but there’s no way to know for sure. Better Than Revenge on the Speak Now Tour was an iconic moment of sapphic energy, and maybe, just maybe, when Taylor re-records her masters, Liz will sing backup for her again.

Thanks for reading!

[iprefertheterminsane]

What I should be doing; Updating my current BFU/GoMens fanfic

What I am doing instead; drafting an entirely NEW BFU/GOMens fanfic

Here it is;

Story Idea:

BFU*Good Omens, but make it scary.

The Unsolved Crew are trying to return to the airport after a successful hunt in London. Shane suggests they follow a scenic route of no discernible town. They somehow find themselves in a town that is not on the GPS maps with weird vibes and, surprise surprise, their rental breaks down. They have all watched enough horror thrillers to know all the cliché-est plot points. What lives in Devil's Dyke? Are the Them serial killers? Is Warlock going to betray them? Shane and TJ are probably going to die. But most importantly; What does it all have to do with Ryan?

-This is Shyan centric. On their way back to the airport, Shane suggests the crew take a scenic route down South Downs on their way back from London with the promise of a beautiful lake. The London shoots had been rife with sexual tension, and Shane does not want the moment to end.

-They find themselves driving into a town instead, suburbania and quaint. The townsfolk frown at them as they pass by. RP Tyler straddles his barking poodle. They obviously don't like newcomers.

-The rental breaks down. The cliche Ness starts to dawn on them

-"Hahaha, next we'll find out this place doesn't have line!"

-There is no line. They all glare at Mark.

-In a fit of nervousness, Ryan starts offline vlogging. Shane suggests they go into town to ask for someone to call the two service and find someplace with line. Surely SOMEONE will recognize them.

-But strangers look away and walk faster away when they approach. Whoever they manage to start scowling or fidgeting, and none of them seems to recognize the duo. Some even claim to know only faintly of YouTube. It's getting unreal. They do not seem to be joking, and get only more upset whenever the Crew tries to convince or tell them otherwise. It is finally pushing dusk. The Crew stops by a beautiful park. There is no one around, but a young boy, who has a look in his eyes they find relief in: recognition.

-His name is Warlock Dowling, and he showed them a copy of his birth certificate to prove it, claiming that it happens often enough that he has to resort doing so. It's so fucking cliche it hurts. Ryan hates this movie already.

-But Warlock is the son of an American Ambassador who lives in the UK, and thus, likely the only child who seems to recognize them and their YouTube Channel. He is not a big fan, but it's a whole site better than literally everyone else. South Downs is a bedtime story, he claims. It's perfect in the way all the towns in children storybooks are perfect. Nobody plays the internet in a storybook town. It is not a prank. Devon is skeptical.

-Warlock invites them to go to the Ambassador's house a little ways down the airbase near the back of the town, (what kind of horror path will they take? Thought Ryan. Both feel like equally bad ideas.) but they decide to go tomorrow. He directs them to a bed and breakfast instead. All the rooms look the same. The lady barely looks up as she hands them their keys. There is electricity in the rooms, meaning they could charge their appliances. For naught of anything better to do, they are filming this entire experience. They somehow convince themselves that Shane is going to die because Ryan is evidently the Protagonist, and since Shane is his Best Friend, he is either going to betray them or die in a heroic act sacrificing himself for Ryan. In a fit of panic, Ryan tells Shane he has a crush on him. Which is great and sweet and all, but now REALLY seals the deal in because now Shane is a love interest instead. Hasnt Ryan heard of the bury your Gays trope?

-"I knew you guys were gonna end up gay" "what why." "they have to kill SOMEONE off and none of us are black and Ryan s the protagonist."

-They don't find Warlock in the park the next day, and are forced to look for him themselves. Walking of course. They find out about the satanic nunnery that caught on fire on a cafe because the waitress explains that they have to pass through that and the abandoned airbase in the back of the town to get to the villa on foot. They all sigh in exhausted manner, not much in the mood for dying.

-Trudge they do anyway. Nowhere out but through.

-The old satanic nunnery is....not abandoned

-They rush inside and find that it is a company teamwork support organization, and they give out paintball sessions. There is electricity. There is a line, even if the company wasnt currently in season. They try to find a worker.

-They find her. Sister Mary is haggard and busy running an entire company and booking sessions all by herself. She is in turns dismissive and annoyed to moderately tolerant....up until she learns of Ryan's name

-She suddenly wants nothing to do with any of them, practically shoving them out her door and face sheet white, mumbling about being busy and how it wasn't personal. The door slams in their faces. Ryan looks like he is about to cry. Shane snaps.

-He breaks the door down, to the shouts of surprise from the rest of the crew, and announces, with the loud, arrogant nonchalance of a white man, that he is not going to budge until she tells them everything they want to know about Lower Tadfield, the South Downs and yknow the fuck what? Neither will Ryan. The rest of the Crew follow his example and dig their heels in, pretending to film her for good measure. They are counting on the fact that she does not have security, and that even if she calls the cops on them, the building is far too suburbania to find very quickly. Mary looks absolutely terrified, and refuses to look Ryan in the eye. She eventually gives in, on the account that they will soon leave immediately.

-The find out that she was an ex convent of the Chattering Order of St. Berryl's, a satanic nunnery. She came back because she had been born here, and oddly enough, the convent meant something to her. A good dozen of the Satanists died due to a lightning storm catching the nunnery on fire the night two babies had been born, and three left through the gates. She's never been afraid of Lower Tadfield. Nothing ever happens here. They don't buy it, but it's apparent she believes what she is saying.

-They demand to use the present line to call for another rental, cancel their airport tickets, etcetera etcetera, emphasizing that they are excited about leaving just as much as she does. With this promise, she allows them to do so.

--They manage to get their raw footage to Cloud and cancel their tickets but just as they are about to call for a new car, the lights start flickering. The building rumbles. Mary looks straight at Ryan and tells them to run. They grab each other s hands and does so.

-There halfway down the road when TJ yelps, and Devon announces they are being chased by something. They decide to run into the woods down further down south to lose it.

-It is dusk. Nobody is happy. At least everyone is alive though, which is something. Ryan remarks that the chase scenes in the movies are exactly as tiring as they make it out to be.

-Mark hears running water, and the Crew finds an occupied cottage on the shoreline of the sea. Their sighs are loud; both relieved and annoyed. Mark starts chanting/praying that they are not serial killers. Shane announces that everyone must be ready to leave at a moments notice, and sleep in the woods of they must, to everyone's agreement.

-The man who opens the door wears glasses and low slung jeans, eyebrow raised rudely. His husband, blonde and plump, tells him to let them come in, and that it is nearly dinner. They are gracious hosts-old enough to be someone's grandparents. Cute and domestic as well. Shane goes strangely quiet when the couple dances in the living room, and Ryan chalks it up to their romantic relationship, for which they share talks. There are unoccupied rooms they could bunk in-five; each of them reserved for the couple's godkids. Despite getting their own rooms, Ryan cuddles with Shane. He is oddly tense, at least until they start making out.

-Ryan wakes at night to voices in his ear, and decides to get a glass of something to drink. Shane is out cold. He finds TJ in the kitchen, looking at his phone. It is a picture of his family-Kate and their daughter. This is hugely concerning, as it is a surefire telltale that TJ might not make it. Ryan promises him they'll get back home. TJ clasps him on the back and tells him not to make promises he can't keep.

-Shane wakes the crew at 4 am and tells them, quietly, to pack up and leave for town. He had found a map, and determined the way to navigate. They are confused but obliging. They do not wake their hosts-in fact, Shane seems to want to make sure they leave without their knowledge. They find their way back into Tadfield by 8.30 am, and it is only as they are having bfast that Shane tells them that there is no tech but the radio-which isn't plugged in. The water runs, but the pipes underneath the sink are not attached to anything. Crowley does not eat, and his eyes were....weird. Too many red flags. And as he searched the room for maps before Ryan came into his room the night before, he had found a crumpled poker card of the Antichrist, and Devon admits to finding one of War, a horseman of the Apocalypse, in hers. Mark taps his fork anxiously, and his eyes spell out what they all could tell. The climax is soon.

- It is not until Ryan walks and spots a bespectacled child of Warlocks age that he realizes he has barely seen any children in this town, and suggests that they follow him to ask whether he knew Warlock. The rest of the crew return to the BnB for some well deserved rest, but Shane and Ryan pursues the kid....into the forest.

-They lose him until HE found THEM. He immediately recognizes Ryan, who had to introduce his best friend Shane. Two other kids appear from between the trees. One of them, a girl, has a large wooden sword. They are surrounded. Shane grips Ryans hand, and asks, half jokingly, is they are serial killers, and if they are intending to kill him.

-The Them claims that it happened like, one time, and they do not plan to kill Shane, but their smile looks too wide to be genuine, like they are sharing a personal joke. The boys start walking away. The Them follows. Ryan asks if they know Warlock. They stop, sharing looks. Brian asks how they met Warlock. Ryan refuses to tell them . The kids get defensive, the way 13 year olds tend to get when they are about to justify doing a notable offense, like staying awake past bedtime The wind picks up, and the kids get visibly relieved. Brian tells them that Adam is coming, in a way that makes them feel like they definitely do not want to meet Adam. They scram it.

-They are being chased again. This time, when Ryan looks back, he sees what looks like a dog but isn't-like something is badly wearing the skin of a dog, like it has too many limbs to fit into four legs, a slobbering maw and hellfire eyes.

-They manage to leave the woods, and almost get hit by a three wheeled blue car. Shane bangs on the door and it opens for them, and Ryan shouts at them to step on it. It is only when they get to a quaint little cottage at the other end of the town do they acknowledge their saviours-a bespectacled, brown skinned woman and a jittery boyfriend.

-The woman is American. She recognizes them immediately, and says that she is a huge fan of True Crime. It is the most mundane , normal conversation they have for all of 2 days. They enter Jasmine Cottage. Shane slumps.

-there is a horseshoe above the door, and runes etched into the wood. The smell of incense burns strongly, and a redlined conspiracy board in a corner of the kitchen.

-The woman calls herself a professional occultist. A witch, basically. Which is...fine. She is at least honest and blasè about it, which made someone in this godforsaken town at least. Shane spots a picture of the Antichrist on her pinup board, the same one as seen in the poker card he's found in AziCrow's cottage. Anathema notices, and admits that it's complicated. They are confused, angry and terrified, and mentions their encounter with Adam, and everything else they'd had to suffer through as they are stuck in the village. Her facial emotions change from shock, to calculating, to confused, to skeptical, before finally ending In blank. She claims that it is very unlike Adam, as he usually does not go about scaring people from out of the village. He had welcomed her in just fine, and the town had followed short after. Shane asks about the Antichrist and Horsepeople symbolism. She waves that one away, claiming how it wasn't important and that 'They wouldn't believe her anyway.' She offers Meet to drive them back to their Inn, and they accept.

-They get back to the village; as they open the door to their rooms, knowing that the rest of the Crew is waiting for them, Warlock is also there. He takes a single look at them, and raises an eyebrow. They tell him what happened. Warlock frowns. Tells them the only reason they'd been hounded In such a way if Adam wants something from them, and TJ puts his face into their hands.

-They ask if they should lock the door. Warlock tells them not to bother-it won't stop him anyway. Devon asks the possibility of leaving this very night. Warlock shakes his head, but looks contemplating.

-That night, Shane gets kidnapped.

-Ryan doesn't see the culprit, but something tells him it's the Them, and the Hound, and Adam. He runs into the woods. The night is cold and still, but the trees shake like they could be alive. Ryan yells angrily into the void, asking Adam what is it that he wanted, that it's him they actually want, to let Ryan go. He faces the Hound, a slobbering, monstrous nightmare. Ryan thinks he is going to die. There is a boy sitting in a dilipidated throne above a chalk pit with blood red eyes.

-Two headlights pierce through the gloom. The trees still. The hound sits, and Crowley steps out if the Bentley.

-Aziraphale is in the car. Warlock peers over his shoulder. Crowley stomps over and tells Adam to come down-that his game is over, and it stopped being funny for quite some time. Shane stumbles out of the woods, dazed and terrified, and Ryan traps him into an embrace.

-After some chastising Adam admits that he's made a bet with Greasy Johnson in school that Demons and Ghosts are real, and that the Them had managed to convince him that it lives in the woods. He had not believed them, and made them bet that if it was really haunted, Paranormal Investigators would come and make a whole documentary about it. Warlock had showed him a few episodes of BFU, and Adam thought it perfect.

-Crowley scolds him, telling him against manipulating and keeping the Crew here against their will, and Adam looks appropriately chastened. Dawn breaks. The crew emerges from the Inn in a state of panic. Crowley pat's the van twice and it comes to life.

-Someone asked Crowley if the kids really HAD killed people. Crowley waves it away, claiming that it isn't important. In the light of morning, the kids and the dog almost looks normal.

- They decide not to prod any further. Aziraphale apologizes one last time, and tells the that they are welcome in Tadfield if they choose to come again. Ryan and Shane emphasizes that they absolutely will not, ever. Aziraphale nods like he understands. They pack the equipment and leaves the town, possibly England, forever.

-In a few days time, Adam gets an email- a video titled The Horrors of Hogsback Woods, and he grins cheekily to himself.

[blackcoffeeandblankpagess]

things

I feel like I’ve been MIA on here lately and want to post many backlogged pics but also feel like I should do a lil brain dump

Been home for like...3 weeks now? honestly, we’re dealing with it. I’ve actually been really busy and once I decided I wasn’t going to be able to run away any time soon I kinda committed to just doing my best to make it work and it hasn’t been terrible

But on that note, I basically live at our neighbors’ house. They’re essentially my second family, I realize that breaks ~quarantine~ rules and I’ll admit to that, but my family was also already in contact with them before I got home and they are basically the only people I ever see and tbh if I had to pick between coming back to NJ to stay with my family or them, I’d pick them SO... yeah. It’s been really nice spending so much time with them though, dylan (22) and sage (20) have basically been my pseudo siblings my whole life and I pretty much grew up at their house but ever since college it’s rare that we are all home at once and after this time period we will never all be here together again because my fam is moving SO trying to really soak it up- hiking, cooking, playing catan, drinking beer, watching movies, etc. very nostalgic

To my last point- my family (well my mom and ed) is moving! my mom has had a plan to retire and move to costa rica (it’s literally the ONLY thing she talks about ugh) for awhile and they officially put our house up for sale last week so THAT has been a little hectic (I’m honestly so glad they are moving tbh I really don’t like coming to my childhood home that has now been flipped upside down to accommodate a new marriage and does not feel like my home)

not much to report on the running front, have been running less days and doing more biking/swimming here. I took a glance at the site for the marathon I was eyeing for the fall and they seemed pretty adamant that they were gonna hold it which honestly shocked me but I guess it’s in a place that hasn’t been hit too hard?? idk though I basically assumed all 2020 races were off the table. I’d also have to start training in like...2 weeks and I’m not sure if my body is really in the place for that

^to go off of that (TW ED) I need to like...get my fucking shit together. Over the course of the past year I’ve lost x pounds, unintentionally, literally due to anxiety, but once I started thinking about it more I realized my period has really petered out since the winter (like...january I guess?), plus it was never like...FULL force normal to begin with even though I was getting it to some extent for basically all of 2019. so anyway red! flag! I actually weighed myself yesterday which is something I haven’t done in like 5 years (only at doctor’s visits where I usually don’t even look at the weight until weeks later), but I KNEW it was going to have gone down and I thought maybe I could knock some sense into myself and tbh it kinda worked. The disconnect in my brain truly astounds me sometimes. But after I type this up I’m sitting down to have a chat with myself and journal and figure out a plan because this is not healthy and I need to get a grip. (again, like I said, not intentionally undereating, in fact I’ve eaten more on a daily basis over the past year than ever before, but my output is high and whenever I’m anxious my appetite is zero which makes for a very confusing disastrous time) 

In other news! headed down to NC to visit jared next week and I am excited 4 that. tbh I am looking forward to the 10 hour drive I find it really meditative and gives me time to think, catch up on podcasts, etc.

in the process of figuring out my living situation for the fall which is causing me STRESS. but it’s looking like we will be at least to some extent having in person classes. Also it looks like jared might not have to be on campus after thanksgiving in which case maybe he would come stay with me for a few weeks in OR which makes me very very happy

Also in jared news, feeling very very grateful for that boy, he is truly astounding

Food things- I was honestly having like....a slight identity crisis about eating meat. Normally I never buy meat, I only really eat it if there is a very particular circumstance and it’s so infrequent that it usually doesn’t cause me too much angst when it happens, but being home I told myself I’d eat dinner with my fam to make my life easier but I honestly started to get real freaked out about the amount of animal products going on (from an ethical side, not health). I’ve appreciated the eye opening-ness of it from my perspective in a lot of ways. Idk, too many thoughts to type. Probably sounds hypocritical anyway but the thought of being entirely vegan is incredibly stressful to me given my ED (plus, I eat mostly plant-based in general). BUT I have started to try to cook vegan meals for my family which makes me feel good and like I’m promoting good things. I made my mom a TLT for lunch the other day. On Tuesday I made homemade veggie burgers for the first time and they were super good. Making vegan stuffed shells tomorrow. And! And! After talking to my neighbor about veg cooking she also made very very similar veggie burgers this week, she actually made them the day before me so we got to taste test eachother’s. And then jared sent me a pic of vegan bolognese that his sister made which I know was inspired by him making that and I know he was inspired by my plant-based nudges and that stuff makes me feel good. Like I’m spreading a positive influence.

This is super long as per usual and I need to go have my meeting with myself lol thx 4 reading 🐢

[stickykeys633]

Changing thing up a bit @capricornsicle, that other post was becoming unwieldy.

You think you’re on a crusade to expose fandom racism and bias in Teen Wolf, but in doing so, because TW is such a specific beast, you make assumptions and add unnecessary hyperbole to your arguments. 

You’ve assumed and ran with the idea that I’m white (many do, which is strange since my icon is a black woman) and you’ve treated me a certain way because of it. But then in the same breath you’ll say there’s inherent bias against Scott McCall, a character that many people saw as white played by an actor who is white passing. 

There’s also this underlying statement that any majority of people see Scott as Latinx and automatically make it a negative thing which again, isn’t true, specifically not in Teen Wolf. 

I’ve found the antis like to take black racism experiences and try to fit Scott into that category, but even a small thing like colorism makes it so it’s not equitable. 

that’s a general statement about fans and critics alike holding characters of color up to a higher standard than white characters. It’s not everyone, it’s certainly not an attack on anyone, but it happens a lot, across various fandoms. White characters are much more often forgiven for the things they do than characters of color who do the same things.

This doesn’t happen with the frequency you think and in the Teen Wolf fandom when it does happen it is rarely if ever in regards to Scott. Other, more evident characters of color yes.. And the wild examples that the antis present are never equitable. Even when presented with context, they often have to padd it and stretch it to make it seem like some infraction has been done. What it does is seek to absolve Scott of ANY wrong doing, when really there is fault laid at both parties. 

I’ll provide a couple of examples in the moment, but the bottom like is that Stiles/Derek/Peter stans acknowledge their faults and many times love them because of it. On the show Scott was never given the chance to acknowledge his faults, the show refused to admit that he needed to grow and be redeemed of anything. This was a misstep because he became unpalatable, not as a perfect icon, but as someone whose actions didn’t hold relevant consequences. 

The Donovan Incident

Now, I disagree with some key points, but overall I think this is the most important part:

They fought, like teenagers do, especially teenagers who have gone through that kind of trauma, and then, in 5x13, they’re talking outside a gas station, and they talk and get over it,

If everyone could agree that this happened, this would be a much better place. But antis will not chalk up the experience for the contrived nonsense it was and become so enraged when people blame Scott that they can’t let it be and suddenly we’re all racists. 

Which, using racism as a tool to sooth butthurt is not okay and we see it time and time again. They take every seedling and think, “how can I add racism to this so I get my way?” which is pathetic, but also sullies the impact of real racism on the show. 

During this time Tracey was murdered, Mason was non-existent, they killed Noah and Lucas sent Kira to the desert and left her there. But being mad at Scott for intentionally misunderstanding Stiles is what’s racist? This is why antis and SDP Stans constantly bump heads. Everyone has been in a friend group where some new interloper comes in and riles things up. Usually trying to steal someone’s man, but you know there are certain things you do when that happens and Scott made ALL the wrong moves. He knew Stiles didn’t trust Theo and openly disliked him, it should have been an immediate red flag when Theo started in with Stiles violently killing someone in cold blood. Additionally, I would have LOVED if the show made the connection to Scott still being traumatized by Nogi, but again, the show made it seem like Scott was JUST FINE! and again, a disservice was made to his character. 

The point is that a not insignificant number of fans label Scott as a constant bad friend, as someone who’s always a bad influence on Stiles, and that’s really not the case.

People who label him as a constant bad friend use this as ONE example of it. I actually questioned their friendship after Motel California. I remember there were a couple of beats that made it clear they weren’t sandbox buddies, and probably met in the community little league (was it little league or soccer that they met Theo? I forget?). There have been several instances of them not being as close as they claimed. 

If Stiles can be forgiven for throwing lacrosse balls at Scott (which really fucking hurt, speaking from experience) and keying some random loner kids’ car to get him beat up because Lydia kissed him

Just a side note, Stiles was havign his fun, yes, but Scott was completely complicit in these scenes and knew 100% what was going on. Stiles was helping Scott by testing his tolerance and helping him control his heartbeat and yes they did it in bonehead teenage boy ways, but there was nothing malicious or racially motivated about it. Talk about holding characters to different levels. You’ve all made the white characters irredeemable supremacists when nothing in the canon alludes to this. 

a few antis forgive Stiles but condemn Scott. And that’s because of racial bias that makes those particular antis hold Scott to much higher standards than his white friends, which is a nice way of saying it’s racism.

Which again, is wrong in that you have absolutely no way of quantifying this for every viewer. There’s no such thing as special Scott centric racism. If someone is racist, they’re going to show it against anyone not white on the show, and that’s simply a) not the case and b) impossible to determine from the asks of one anon and some misinterpreted fic. 

Liking Scott isn’t pro-POC, no, but it is tied to racial issues in Hollywood, popular media, and fandom. Scott being Latinx (despite the fact it never comes up, he’s played by a Latinx actor and is undoubtedly TV’s favorite “ambiguously brown”) makes him connected to racial issues.

But it doesn’t, because Teen Wolf was specifically created as a world without color so coding Scott as race-neutral meant that audiences had the choice to view him that way and many did. I mean, look at the show, he has two white Italian actors playing his parents, his last name is McCall and his mother’s maiden name was Delgado which could mean anything. Jeff had a habit of casting white women with Latinx last names they got from a gracious step-father, it’s not a leap to say this was true of Melissa. This is why I refuse to give the show any representation points. Diversity sure, they’re there, but they’re not well represented and again, this neither starts nor ends with Scott McCall. 

Liking Scott is something that a lot of viewers of color end up doing

Again, not entirely true. Liking Boyd? Yes. Deaton, Morrell, Kira? Yes. Scott? Sure... the response to Scott from Latinx fans was varied in interesting ways. Some went up hard for him and while I don’t acknowledge the show’s version of Scott, I write him as half Mexican in every fic. There are some who, like you, were so excited to see someone like themselves and that’s beautiful and awesome. There were also some that started excited but then were like “oh, he’s playing a white boy” which people like to forget was VERY much a thing. There was no reason to think Scott was white and in fact when Jeff received the Alma award, it was for casting Posey and not necessarily having a Latinx character. In the beginning of Teen Wolf he was actually asked if Scott was white (the phrase they used was “All American” which...), And there were still others who hated Scott instantly and thought he was wack and did NOT see themselves in him.

So even within the Latinx community alone there were several opinions. Now spread that out to hundreds of thousands and then millions of viewers. So when you say “Liking Scott is something a lot of VOC end up doing” you’re creating a value based judgement on the idea of liking YOUR version of Scott McCall. 

Which isn’t fair and isn’t correct. 

YOU ended up liking Scott because YOU appreciated the interpretation. No one can take that away from you. But when you cast this net of racism, you’re gonna end up with a lot of things that don’t fit the term and a lot of people mad that they’re caught in your web of racial bias. 

if it’s the burden of POC to fight for representation tooth and nail, then that’s the fight I’ll be fighting.

Part of it is that sometimes I worry that if I don’t post about them, if I don’t post gifs of them and talk about them and make them be part of the teen wolf tag on this site, no one else is going to.

We talked about this with your first post. Generally I’m sympathetic, but I do take issue with your methods. Yes, I’ve seen those gif tax posts and I love the concept, but... tax is something you pay in the exchange for something that you want. I don’t see POC characters as tax and I get it’s just a clever way to name what you’re doing, but I think it makes it so negative when celebrating the POC characters should be an enjoyable and inclusive thing. 

If you feel alone, it’s because you haven’t reached out to anyone. I know a lot of creators who make content for characters of color, The problem is that when you accuse people of focusing on white characters in a show FULL of white characters and cover them with a blanket of systemic bias, you’re alienating a lot of people who don’t want the drama. 

Someone just released some ao3 stats of POC characters in Sterek fics verses TW fics as a whole and Kira was sadly underrepresented, showing up in just under 45% of fics. My answer to that isn’t to scream at Stereks about how racist they are against Asians. Instead, I wanna have a Kira appreciation event, but until I can, I make sure to write Kira into my fics because I love her. I repost gifsets with her in them, I comment and seek out people who create for her and support them and if you approach some creators, the’re happy to be amenable. I’ve left comments on fics asking for a certain character and sometimes they rightfully say no, but sometimes it’s not a problem and the change is awesome. 

I feel like the bulk of antis have an idea in their mind and don’t give anyone else a freaking chance. And then, when anything negative is said about Scott, they go awf like SEE!!?!> RACISM!!!!!! when it’s honestly not the case. The anon doesn’t represent even the minority of the majority of stereks. Tumblr doesn’t, ao3 doesn’t, twitter doesn’t. That’s why it’s so much less stressful to find out ways to insert diversity and representation rather than browbeating others to do it out of shame.  

There’s this perceived bias that worms it’s way in that simply doesn’t exist at the levels you think it does. Because not only are you assuming that people dislike the characters of color because of their color, but also that they harbor negative feelings.

But, as we’ve learned from K-pop fans, it seems white people are much more willing to enjoy and put out East Asian representation than representation of people darker than them

Kira was undoubtedly brought in to bring a more Asian audience, but again, racism isn’t a pick and choose kind of thing. People who hated Kira and love Scott do not see Scott as Latinx. And Kira has more posts by a small margin mostly because she was there and she had a family and large ties to the plot. Not because kids loves k-pop (which wasn’t even that big during her run). 

And THIS:

Boyd is stereotyped as the big, buff Black guy who’s aggressive and athletic (but almost never seen as the brains of the group, despite his intelligence,xxx and comes from a poor background and answers to an assertive white man without question

Boyd was specifically not stereotypes as aggressive and athletic, and in all fanfic is usually the one who reasons and is most level headed. He came from a poor background, but so did Isaac, and he questioned Derek and Scott. This is what I mean, while I agree that it’s your interpretation, you can’t say it’s a universal interpretation and then judge others because of it. 

The only time I care is when people specifically dislike Scott because of perceived affronts to Stiles and/or Derek, and I say “perceived” because I refer specifically to ones those specific anons and antis take completely out of context, blow out of proportion, or just make up.

Lol, again, your perception, because I can give you several canon based reasons to be upset with Scott, but of course you’ll find a way, no matter how tangential to twist it, because he’s your fave and canon is a mess. This is the freaking point. Let people have their stories. It’s not hurting you if you also add in yours. 

I do not believe it is possible for a 16-year-old to consent to a romantic and/or sexual relationship with a 24/25-year-old, but this post isn’t about that

Please don’t believe that you’re the first person to try this argument because you’re not and also Derek was at most 23 when Stiles was 17 (and to make it more interesting he was 19 in the original unaired pilot, but they aged him up so Kate wouldn’t be full on statutory rape, good times!)

https://stickylovessterek.tumblr.com/post/151831687742/sterek-is-not-pedophilia

Now you might not like it, and that’s totally fine and valid. But age has no basis in their relationship. I’m more interested in power dynamics, which is why I didn’t like Aria/Fitz on PLL or Marrish (which I could have been on board for, but this show is trash). 

with perhaps me as Stiles, you as Scott, and the anon playing Theo during his villain phase circa season 5, trying to turn two people against each other over a larger ethics debate

Well, no, clearly I’m the Stiles since I’m right (i kid, I kid), but honestly, you’re the one putting the anon in this. I’ve been ignoring their hyperbole and we’ve been telling the antis to pick and choose and be discerning with their posts. That has nothing to do with me. If we’re Scott and Stiles then it’s one of us talking and the other not listening and doing theings they’re own way and the fact that both of us have different ideas as to which is which is really part of the fun. 

But it’s not racism. 

[wainwrightjakobshammerlock]

finally. i decided to do this. anyways hello there, i am jake and today i want to talk about something; you see, if you are in the tf2 fandom, you probably know about heavymedic. Wherther you are a hardcore gamer who resents f2p’s or a person that never played the game but has trillions of notes on their art- you know heavymedic exists and most of all you probably ship it.

And I find that weird. In the few fandoms in my life I have been in I had never seen a single ship be so widely if not shipped, then accepted. Sure, maybe everyone in the GF fandom knows what Billdip is - for better or for worse. Sure, maybe the HS fandom is 70% shipping.

But I have never ever seen such a phenomenon in a prominent multiplayer game fandom. A fandom, sadly, oftentimes filled with toxicity. Overwatch is very similar here - yet ships are either a hot topic of discussion or straight up ignored. But TF2? In here for whatever reason we ship these two mercenaries. And in this essay I will try and find a reason or two why is that.

Apologies for any mistakes or incoherency. English is not my first language, I need to ramble, and my vocabulary is all over the place.

Content warning: mentions of homophobia, blood, death, mentions of WLW fetishization, nsfw mention. Also MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR THE TF2 COMICS.

Part 1: Canonical Evidence and Interactions

Let’s be honest: I could ramble about this one for days on end. But I’ll try and keep it short.

First and foremost we have the official videos. And of course the first thing that comes to mind is Meet the Medic.

At the very start of the part where Medic himself appears, we see him telling a joke about a particularly gruesome situation to Heavy.

He laughs along with him, visibly enjoying his company. He even smiles as he waits for another joke. Heavy only shows genuine fear a lot later.

And of course this damn scene always cracks me up. Medic slightly pinches Heavy’s cheek and strokes his lip gently (the other part is almost not noticeable unless you play the video at slow speed).

Of course we all know about the Hand Hold that happens somewhere halfway in the vid. I don’t think I have to explain the gayness in that. The fact their hands stay interlocked even after Medic helps Heavy up. The deep breath Medic takes because even he cannot handle the emotions. That few seconds is unresolved sexual tension manifest.

Overall the short shows a strong feeling of trust between these two. Medic confides in Heavy and reverse. Yeah he puts a baboon heart into his friend’s chest cavity but the fact (as proven at the end of the video) that Heavy was the first one to have an Ubercharge implanted into him shows that Medic at the very least considers him a lab rat.

I treat End of the Line as non-canonical, as do many others, and as such won’t discuss it here. But it will forever crack me up that Valve endorsed such levels of homoerotic subtext.

These two have some short moments in other videos, like for example in Invasion Heavy helps Medic up (CINEMATIC PARALLELS) but it’s nothing major so I guess I’ll skip forward.

Second is their interactions ingame. You might call me a weirdo for trying to find stuff in there but holy shit I have things to say and I’m going to say them.

You thought I was going to fanboy over the “i love this doktor” voiceline huh? Well not really. I wish these two had unique lines if they assist one another.

Heavy is literally listed on the official wiki as the “ideal medic buddy” and multiple pages on that exact wiki say some pretty interesting things.

I have to say something about the Gentleman’s Ushanka and/or Pocket Medic. They are both community cosmetics - but the fact they both got accepted by Valve says a lot. Above is text snipped from the actual wiki.

Last but not least: The Comics. Darned comics. The pair of mercenaries has basically no interaction - unless you count issue 6.

Heavy getting absolutely PISSED when Medic is killed by Ch*avy. Their reunion. Medic referring to Heavy by “my friend” in a totally straight way. Kind of sad Valve wasted an opportunity for them to hug. Maybe they knew their comic artist ships them and wanted to avoid having to answer the Question™.

Part 2: Dynamics

This part’s a bit trickier, mostly due to the reason that I’m new to this whole dynamic analysis thing. Yeah I’m good at spotting canonical evidence but very specific shipping dynamics often escape my gaze.

The most obvious one is Big Guy, Little Guy. Quoting the TVTROPES page:

[…] This trope describes a pair of guys who always fight together, are best friends forever, and quite often have a very obvious hierarchy: The little guy is often in charge […] The little guy is usually listed first, since he’s the leader, and they are always listed together, as if they are one entity. In fact, some episodes may center on the fact that they can’t live without each other. […] If this is a case of Brains and Brawn, the Big Guy is usually the Brawn, and the Little Guy the Brains. It’s almost never the other way around, but in some cases the Big Guy can be rather smart too. […]

A sub-type of this, a common favorite here on Tumblr is known as “small chaotic big calm” and hoo boy if that isn’t these two. I don’t really have much to say here - again I am not an expert.

Part 3: Fandom Impact

So you don’t think Red Oktoberfest (as Heavymedic is sometimes called) is super popular on anywhere else than Tumblr? Wrong.

It’s hard to find TF2 fics on Archive of Our Own not tagged with Heavy/Medic. Of course most of them only contain hints to their relationship but go in the main tf2 tag and I can guarantee you, you’ll gonna see “implied heavy/medic” all the time.

But these two go further than AO3 or Tumblr or Instagram or whatever. They are recognized even within the wider circle of the fanbase. Take this SFM, for example. (I am using the Saxxy Awards version of Secret Lives here mostly due to the fact that the Heavymedic moment is much gayer. In the normal version, the dialogue isn’t changed, but they simply hold hands.)

But it gets deeper. (WARNING: THE GAY MOMENT IN THIS ONE IS NSFW. NOT EXPLICITLY SO BUT JUST A HEADS UP TUMBLR PLEASE DO NOT FLAG ME)

And the best part? The comments are extremely positive. You’d expect hoards upon hoards of homophobes screeching but no, the comments are supportive. Even on places such as Reddit or Youtube, comments like “yeah they’re gay and in love” do not get downvoted/disliked to hell; in fact the opposite.

Part 4: Canon Status

Let’s be real. Most ships are shipped because people want to explore the dynamics in fanfic, fanart or something else. But Heavymedic is shipped because… well, I have no idea.

Actually, I kind of do - but only theories. You see, while the canonical evidence is here, the creators have never said anything about them. No confirmation, no disproval, no hinting, nothing.

But the ship is so prominent! There has to be something causing this!- you say. And to that I present you 2 theories on why Heavy/Medic is so popular.

Theory number 1 states that we simply all choose to interpret their interactions as homoerotic. And this is very easy to disprove - there’s simply no way we just collectively agreed on these matters out of nothing. There has to be something bigger.

And theory 2 states that, well, our interpretation is the desired interpretation. But this is even more ridiculous than theory 1 for a number of reasons. If they are in fact gay, why hasn’t Valve made them canon yet?

A Theoretical Scenario

I am going to ramble big time on this one, so buckle up lads. I’ll discuss a theoretical scenario in which, well, if that was not obvious, Valve confirms Heavymedic as canon. Maybe then we will see why they will probably never do so.

TF2 is considered by typical capital G, alt-right Gamers as a “non-political” game. This means no women (in the game itself, at least, and if even, sexy women only), no queer folk and no minorities (for some reason they accept Demoman but throw a fit if someone draws any other merc as not being pearl white). Team Fortress 2 was around before Gamergate and other things like Gamers Rise Up. It’s a classic and Valve is regarded as the good guy to Epic Game’s bad guy. If Valve did anything to confirm doubts, wherther it be clearing up popular fanon or confirming ships, these people would throw hands. (Although they seemed to ignore when one of the writers confirmed Miss Pauling is a lesbian. Huh.) Even those that don’t play TF2 would come to the aid of their bros.

Let me illustrate with two very similar examples. In both cases these confirmations were the first made by the company as a whole, both are fairly recent and both confirm a character as gay.

First we have the confirmation of Tracer from Overwatch as a lesbian. It was done in one of OVW’s comics. Tracer is the FACE of Overwatch as a whole and while most of the fanbase accepted it (thankfully the Gamers are reluctant to infest ow), some people threw what I can only describe as a hissy fit. At least her girlfriend’s a background character.

Second is Neeko from League of Legends. Unlike Tracer she was added a while before it was confirmed she was gay. LOL is much more toxic and filled with Gamers than OW and holy shit people smeared LOL so much.

Of course these are not accurate to Heavy/Medic. In both of the cases I listed it was girls being wlw and we all know how much cisgender heterosexual gamers LOVE yuri porn. Apparently only girls can be gay because they can jack off to it - if it’s two guys then it’s disgusting. Nevertheless I think these are good approximations - in every case the company gets “shat on” on social media and other sites. With the community that Valve has, I think even if they wanted them to be gay, they would never ever confirm it.

Conclusion

I’m sorry for that ending. I had to theorize a bit. Regardless I’d love if you shared this on other sites, reblogged or whatever - I wasted at least 1 and a half hours of my life on it. Feel free to cite this as a source if someone asks you why you ship the big heavy weapons expert and the feral battle medic.

[mayleitz]

The Stalking

Okay so here’s this.

Elliot stalked me for over a year before we dated. The first time I met him, he spoke to me in my discord server right when it was new. He said he did not pledge money to support my videos, he didn’t really watch them or care about them. He supported me so he could have a direct line to talk to me. 

Naturally he started flirting with me and because at the time I was miserable and repressed, I went along with it at first but then told him to stop and to just be my friend. He doesn’t take rejection well so he kept trying and when I felt pushed away by his advances he would get mad at me for being a bad friend. 

This went on for a pretty long time, until he came out as trans. I was super excited for him and because we sorta knew each other and had been around, I forgave him for all the advances that were unwanted because I know trans folk pretransition have a tendency to be a bit like-that. 

And after that I grew to trust him a little bit more even though he really never knew me. But I always needed people to talk to and my resources were limited (the person I was dating at the time didn’t really let me have friends) so I talked to Elliot occasionally. He slowly gained my trust so I slowly opened up to him more and more. He was in some bad relationships, and so was I so we had that in common and could talk about it. 

On the night that I broke up with my then partner, I was suicidal. It was rough. I was trying to please them for so long that I just...didn’t honestly remember what doing anything for myself was like. I felt so backed into a corner. So I called Elliot.

We started to have a closer friendship where we would talk on the phone for hours at a time. I exclusively wanted to be his friend and he was constantly pining after me from this point on. He told me that he viewed YouTube like a dating site and that each channel was like a dating profile. He said he had dated multiple YouTubers and had dirt on all of them and planned to one day post some call-out thingy about all of them. I didn’t know the people in question so I didn’t question it much. But this was absolutely a through-line to our relationship. He viewed youtubers as possessions that he wanted to have. And god did he want to have me. 

It started really simply with telling me he was in love with me. He kept telling me and one day I said it back. Like...I love you, as a friend, who is into women. I had to constantly remind him that I was a lesbian and I was only interested in women. I had never really gotten a chance to experience that as myself and that was exclusively what I wanted.

Anyways so he started sending me unsolicited nudes. Usually when drunk but he did it a whole bunch of times. He would call me at parties and orgies he was at, sometimes while high on hardcore drugs or exceptionally drunk and he would say things like: “I’m gonna come visit you and we’re gonna have sex.” “May, are we gonna have sex when we’re together?” “God I want to fuck you.” and so on. 

And so I told him to stop because I was uncomfortable and I did not want any of it. It was all explicitly against my consent. And because I didn’t know what to do, I wouldn’t hang up so he just started passing the phone around to all his friends. One of them told me he wanted to blow me and I got so skeeved out that I tried to end the call. 

But then when I told Elliot I wouldn’t be having sex with him and I would like him to stop, he turned his attention a bit towards: “Just kiss me then.” “We have to kiss.” “There’s no way I’m not gonna kiss you.”

Which wasn’t a lot better.

The next day I was super angry. I told him I was tired of him sexualizing me without my consent. He got really upset and distant and I was worried that I would lose, in essence, my only friend, so I let him off the hook and said it wasn’t a big deal and I still cared about him. So he just started right up again. This happened multiple times a week.

He demanded to come to visit me but I was uncomfortable with that. My apartment was sorta my private space where I could transition in peace and be left alone. I didn’t want to bring a man into that space. Like ever. It was sacred to me. 

But he persisted so much that I finally said okay. He immediately got a plane ticket and oops now it had to happen. I was terrified. 

I felt a lot better when he got here because he wasn’t like most guys I’d known, at first. He was sweet and fun and funny and sure, he said a lot of off-color things but I mostly ignored whatever red flags were around. He asked if he could kiss me one night and I gave in and was like...well alright. He kissed me violently hard. With no kindness or gentleness. It felt like an attack. It was in my car and I had no real place to go so I just awkward looked around and waited for it to be over. 

But after that, I could sense that he wanted it to be more romantic that just friend stuff and so I held his hand and at one point I told him we were on a date and stuff to make him feel good and loved. It was clear that he was really happy and I wanted that more than anything. 

But then things started to get more serious and scary and my inability to say no to him made everything so much harder. It kept getting harder and harder to say no even though I knew this was not what I wanted. This person basically stalked me, sexually harassed me and treated me like an object of desire for over a year and somehow I was afraid to hurt his feelings. 

We got a tattoo together. It was my first tattoo and I was really nervous and scared and he held my hand and was very warm to me and I thought about how alone I would soon be again when he left but I was hesitating because I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him. 

By this point, he got his way and we had had sex. I didn’t want to but I knew it was what he wanted so I did my best to power through my feelings. I even tried to be really into it so I could convince myself that what was happening was okay. 

I told him I didn’t really want him to go and that I would miss him and I loved him and stuff but inside I was relieved when he was leaving. I wanted my privacy and my space and I wanted some distance. Things were fucking hard with him around and I needed to get back to work on myself. The whole week that he was here he joked about just never leaving. Like, just randomly staying here with me and dating me and stuff. Of course, again I was a lesbian and he knew this. But like...me not rejecting his advances made him believe that I was actually into guys and more specifically him and I wanted it too. 

So on the day when he was set to leave, he didn’t really pack or get anything ready because he had his mind made up. Part of me wonders if this was the plan from the start, I don’t know. But he basically announced that he was staying. The whole situation was so stressful and surreal that I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to unravel the threads and say ‘no, I’m still a lesbian, we’re still not dating and I still want to be here alone.’ so instead I was like ‘okay whatever,’ and went to take a shower. While I was in the shower he posted about it on facebook instead of telling anyone directly and then he abandoned his partner, all his friends, his family and everyone from his home. 

The first week it was exhausting but so surreal that he was living here that things seemed alright. The limited solace I had was my job at the mall where I could be aware and get some clarity. I tried to tell him that staying with me was only temporary and he could just move back when he was ready. I tried to help him get a job so he could pull his own weight (he didn’t I paid for everything. Even when he had a job, he mostly blew his money on meaningless stuff instead of helping me.)

It was a disaster and I was trapped. He constantly joked about cancelling me if we ever broke up, he constantly joked about tweeting out the ‘n-word’ on my account and ending my career. He constantly joked about publicly shaming me. When we were with friends, he would publicly shame me and when I started doing it back, he got really hurt so I stopped and just let him do it to me.

There’s so much more but my hands are tired. Not like it will make a difference. He’s a liar. He’s a fucking liar and manipulator. He is a sex pest. He repeatedly fucked me until I was bleeding and then we turn around and do it all again moments after I told him he needed to stop. He would tie me up and ridicule me. He demanded that I do that to him as well and I did only twice. The first time triggered my DID and my alter just wanted to kill herself. It scared me to fucking death. It scared me so bad that it happened that I could barely sleep and of course he used that as part of his call out. 

He openly tweeted about my ptsd and DID and used that to say I was a bad person when what I was every moment we were together was scared. Lina too. These people overran my life. They took over leaving me nearly no control. I was scared to death that they were going to hurt me and when I finally distanced myself from them and went off to have the life I actually wanted from the start, they took my career from me.

Since they tweeted about me being ‘an abuser’ I have lost over 1000 followers on twitter, 3000 subscribers and $600 on Patreon. I can barely pay for my life and they put that in jeopardy. I had a small savings for surgery that is now gone. I am still losing things every single fucking day. I’ve lost countless friends. No one checked on me or listened to what happened to me. I had to beckon the limited friends that would hear me, to tell them what happened. And naturally every time I post or say or do anything about this, I get an influx of people telling me I’m a liar and I’m actually the problem. Elliot’s friends from Washington have all tweeted threads about how I’m actually bad, but the truth is, I liked all of them. They were all super kind to me and I tried my best to be a good partner to Elliot in their eyes. 

The point is, I’m afraid to say any of this because I know for a fact they will retaliate. I don’t want that. I don’t want to deal with any back and forth or anything. I just want to return to my life and I’d like to stop losing everything and I’d like to be left the fuck alone. Every day since that post came out, I have had to explain myself to hundreds of people. It’s exhausting and enough is enough. I wasn’t going to say anything because I didn’t want to hurt Elliot or Lina. I still don’t. Give them their privacy and please respect mine. 

May

[fuck-customers]

i only lasted 3 days cause it was already hell.

tl;dr will be at the end cause this is gonna be a long one.

so i applied to p**s**** because i thought it would be a good first job, especially as a dog lover that has 3 dogs of my own. i specifically applied to be a pet trainer, since both on their website and the site i found the hiring ad on, they said the position was available at the location closest to me and that's a job i could actually see myself fully pursuing. both still, to this day, say that position is available and i applied back in april (im posting this in early june).

however, when they called, they said that only the position of a dog bather was available. i was disappointed, and confused, but i brushed it off. they were the only place that had replied at the time, so i thought it'd be worth at least giving it a shot, you know?

fast-forward a bit and i get four interviews: one phone interview with the hiring manager, and three different in-person interviews with the sl, hiring manager, and the store owner. the interviews were alright, but were already showing red flags. specifically in varying answers about my hours, and whether or not i could take the volunteer opportunity i have later this summer working with pets while working there. but, i brushed it off, cause again this was the first and only place that had responded at the time.

i get hired in the interview with the store owner, and he sets me up for my first day with only a time to come in, not a proper full schedule. i winded up only being there for 2 hours for a store tour. 

my second day is the same deal, with no proper schedule being given, just a time to come in. i start my training on my second day, all of which is done on a shitty tablet that started dying within 2 hours of me using it. i winded up having to continue my training in the store owner's office because he was the only one with a working charger.

5 fucking hours pass with no one checking in on me, no fucking break, the store owner never coming into his office.. once my adhd ass' hyperfocus dies down, my hunger starts registering, as well as a need to go to the bathroom, and i realize it's almost 6 fucking pm. id been there since 11 in the morning. i go out to go to the bathroom and im informed that the store owner had already left without telling me, or letting me off. the manager left there winded up having to let me off, and apologizing on the store owner's behalf. 

i was there for 7 fucking hours, after being told i'd work a max of 4-6. nobody came to check in on me. nobody let me off for a break. i had to go out and be informed by other workers that the store owner just booked it without letting me know, or even checking his office at all that whole day, as soon as he got the chance. basically, i was forgotten about, and it was already established quick that the store owner didn't give a damn about me.

also of note: he was very absent. he barely went in. he wasn't there on my third day (took place the next day after my second), or the day after that when i called to quit. he seemed incredibly incompetent and irresponsible. 

my third day, my schedule was made by the sl according to her schedule, so i at least had a time i was leaving. but, contrary to the claims in the interview that i'd be working late mornings/early afternoons-the early evening, i was put on for 8 fucking a.m. to 3:30pm. almost 7 hours also, when i'd been told i'd be working 4-6. clearly, the managers didn't communicate on the alleged hours i'd be working! another bad sign!

i spent my third day in the salon to familiarize myself with the location, the atmosphere, the customers, and my co-workers. it was a horrendous first impression and really set the precedent for what would've been way more stressful than it was worth. 

they were not following many of the policies i was learning about in my training, they were extremely rough with the animals, they scolded them constantly, they ignored their yelps in pain or scolded them for crying in the first place, they kept them in the kennels for extended periods and scolded them for crying, ignored the rules about which dogs could/couldn't be kenneled and kenneled them anyway, were trying to gossip already, were trying to make me do shit for them and acting like i was sitting around doing nothing when i had an almost halfway full notebook of notes i was taking from the training, and also kept trying to talk to me or each other, not fucking paying attention when they have animals in their care and very sharp objects in their hands. they also all seemed frustrated and exhausted, which was not a good sign for my future there. it was a fucking nightmare to witness.

it was clear very quickly that i was gonna be nothing but unhappy there, and no amount of money was ever gonna be worth all the bullshit i'd already witnessed. being abandoned/forgotten about, people not doing their jobs right, none of them even remotely trying to hide their motive of wanting to take advantage of me the second they would've had the chance, lies about my hours/days, etc.

also expecting me to move up into the grooming career if i stayed long enough despite knowing i never fucking wanted to be put into that position in the first place. if i moved to any other position, it would've been a trainer, cause that's what i fucking wanted and they knew that. but they were understaffed in the salon so they tried to force me into a position i didn't want, and that wasn't worth the stress.

honestly, despite only being there 3 days, i could continue on. like the list of nightmares i saw in just those 3 days, and interviews, is endless. but this is long enough. 

tl;dr: 3 days may seem like far too quickly to quit a job, but don't try to dismiss me as a foolish youngin who can't 'handle the real world'. within 3 days i'd already been lied to about my hours and certain policies, under & overworked, abandoned/forgotten about, had higher-ups contradicting each other and making it clear they didn't communicate at all, people making it clear they wanted to take advantage of me, and the environment i was working in was shown to be way more stressful than it was worth, especially since i didn't apply for the position i was put in. my depression was literally already starting to spark up and make me resent waking up for work within those 3 days. wasn't worth it even those 3 fucking days! fuck that store, fuck the store owner especially, and fuck the co-workers who were already trying to take advantage of me. 

[kk095]

Patient Zero

I wanted to try something a little different. I think this story needs some tweaking, but I hope everyone likes it!

****

Throughout human history, disease outbreaks have caused devastation on a worldwide scale; from the Justinian plague in ancient Rome, to the bubonic plague of the middle ages, to the Spanish Flu epidemic of the early 20th century. With advancements in medicine, we'd like to say we can limit the spread of disease, but there's always an underlying concern of another worldwide epidemic.

Right now, there's elevated concern regarding a new microorganism called African Pneumonic Corynebacterium, or APC. APC is a newly discovered species of gram-negative, aerobic, club/rod shaped bacterium that lives in the proboscis of female anophele mosquitoes, a species known to carry malaria, west nile virus, and other pathogens. This species of bacteria has become troublesome for medical practitioners worldwide due to its antibiotic resistant characteristics and its ability to quickly adapt to changing conditions.

The signs and symptoms produced by APC primarily effect the respiratory and circulatory system, and possess similarities to respiratory bubonic plague and hemorrhagic fevers such as dengue shock syndrome (DSS). Signs and symptoms typically present 7-10 days after initial exposure to the pathogen. Signs and symptoms include: fever, chills, cold sweats, coughing, shortness of breath, pallor, hemoptysis, hypotension, tachycardia, low platelet levels/low tissue thromboplastin levels, blood plasma leakage, and hemorrhages within the lungs/thoracic cavity in severe cases.

CDC and WHO investigations were able to reveal the index case of APC. Both organizations concluded that the earliest traceable case involved a 20 year old American girl named Jessica Martin. Jessica was a tall, thin white girl with wavy blonde hair, blue eyes, and fair skin. Jessica was very active in her church, and was in Nigeria as part of a month-long mission trip. Jessica didn't present with any symptoms while in Nigeria. Instead, she remained asymptomatic until 48 hours after returning home.

Jessica's initial complaints occurred 2 days after returning from her mission trip. Her initial complaints were fatigue and chills, but she attributed her symptoms to jet lag. Over the following 3 days, Jessica's condition grew increasingly worse. Coughing, fever, chills, severe fatigue, and shortness of breath developed, raising serious concerns from Jessica's family. Jessica visited her general practitioner and was diagnosed with the flu, and was unsuccessfully treated for such.

At the 7 day mark after her symptoms appeared, Jessica was only getting worse. She was running a high fever and she started coughing up blood. This prompted Jessica's mom to call 911. When EMS arrived on scene, Jessica was set up on a nasal cannula with high flow oxygen and 2 large bore IVs were set up, with normal saline being hung. Jessica's vital signs om scene were: BP 90/51, heart rate 132bpm, o2 saturation 95%, temperature 103.4°F.

During transport, Jessica was given vasopressors to increase her blood pressure and set her up on a portable heart monitor. While sticking the electrodes onto Jessica's chest, the medics reported large bruises (purpura) scattered across her chest, and petechia on the right forearm. With that discovery, the medics knew Jessica contracted something more serious than the flu.

Upon arrival at the emergency department, a battery of blood tests were ordered. Jessica's platelet levels were 110,000 per microlitre, nutrophils 20,000 per microlitre, basophils 6 per microlitre, lymphocytes 18,000 per microlitre, monocytes 900 per microlitre, eosinophils 400 per microlitre, ESR 28 mm/hr, hematocrit 21%, and blood culture tested positive for unknown gram-negative bacteria. Chest x-ray revealed fluid accumulation in both lungs, as well as pulmonary and tracheal edema. All of the test results raised a major red flag with the ER team, so Jessica's trauma room was quarantined, an infectious disease consultation was called for, and the personnel that were exposed to Jessica were required to wear additional PPE to potentially limit the spread of the unknown contagion.

The infectious disease specialist was confused as to what Jessica had. The bacteria from her blood cultures had the appearance of diphtheria, but the disease's signs and symptoms were more aligned with dengue shock syndrome and pneumonic plague. The infectious disease specialist decided to start Jessica on a 2 gram drip of ampicillin, and re-draw her labs in 4 hours to see if the medication is working. In the meantime, Jessica was given lasix to expel the excess fluid that was building up in her lungs and in her chest cavity.

Over the next few hours, Jessica began to deteriorate rapidly. She began crying hysterically and coughing up blood. “am I gonna die?!” asked a frightened Jessica as nurses began rushing into her quarantined room. Jessica continued to cough up blood and began having difficulty moving air. Tears rolled down her face as her mouth was being suctioned out. Jessica's blood pressure was tanking rapidly, causing her to shiver from feeling cold. “stay still honey.” One of the nurses said to the terrified young woman. A substantial nosebleed developed, and more bruises started to appear elsewhere on Jessica's body. The attending physician ordered 2 units of platelets and 2 units of FFP since it appeared Jessica was thrombocytopenic and on the verge of DIC.

Jessica lost consciousness shortly afterwards, so the team decided to intubate the 20 year old. Due to blood and swelling in the airway, conventional intubation proved to be impossible even after multiple attempts. As a result, it was decided that a surgical airway had to be placed.

Betadine was squirted onto Jessica's neck and a 2.5 cm vertical midline incision was made on the skin just above the cricothyroid membrane. Upon entry into the neck, a 1cm was made to cut through the underlying cricothyroid membrane. The scalpel was inserted into the incision area and turned at a 90° angle to create an adequate opening in the trachea itself. A size 5 tracheostomy tube was placed into Jessica's newly created surgical airway. The tube was held in place with a white cuff, and an ambu bag was attached.

Shortly after tube placement was confirmed, Jessica's oxygen saturation continued decreasing, so it was decided that bilateral chest tubes would be placed. Both chest tubes drained straw colored fluid with a red tinge to it, likely blood plasma, exudate, and trace amounts of whole blood. The tubes drained the fluid and her o2 saturation increased, but her BP and heart rate remained abnormal. Some of the fluid was sampled and sent off to the lab for additional testing.

Jessica's oxygen levels improved slightly, but her overall condition was deteriorating. Jessica's antibiotics weren't working, so she was given vancomycin, and additional units of platelets, FFP, and fluids were given. The team decided to get the CDC and state department of health involved since they didn't quite know what pathogen they were dealing with.

While waiting for the CDC and department of health officials to arrive, Jessica's condition gradually continued to worsen. One of the nurses paged a rapid response since Jessica's BP was dangerously low. The quarantined room then became filled with doctors and nurses in the coming minutes. Jessica developed new ecchymotic marks on her thighs and neck, showing that her platelet levels showed no signs of increasing. The tracheostomy tube was becoming clogged with exudate and blood plasma leakage, so the tube had to be suctioned out to keep the girl's airway intact. Moments after the tube was cleared of obstructions, Jessica became pulseless, converting to ventricular fibrillation.

ACLS protocol was initiated immediately. Deep, vigorous chest compressions were performed, the defibrillator pads were stuck onto the girl's bare chest, and the first rounds of epinephrine and atropine were injected intravenously. A 250j shock was delivered after a cycle of compressions. Jessica's body jolted violently on the table as the electricity raced through her dying body. The monitors continued displaying V-Fib, so a 300j shock was delivered after a cycle of CPR and ambu bagging. The 300j shock was just as ineffective as the first shock, so resuscitation efforts went on.

Jessica received harsh chest compressions, forcing her frail, skinny chest to cave in and her belly to bounce outwards. The heart monitors showed pulseless electrical activity, so CPR was the only course of action at that particular time. It took 4 minutes and another round of drugs to convert Jessica back to a shockable rhythm. The defibrillator pads were charged to 360j and a shock was promptly delivered. Jessica's feet kicked up just above the table, slamming back down a second later, showing off the prominent wrinkles throughout the soles of her size 9 feet.

ACLS protocol continued as Jessica went back into PEA after the unsuccessful shock. Her chest was being ravaged by the violent compressions the nurses delivered. A few of Jessica's ribs were broken, so there was swelling, redness, and bruising starting to form over the center of her chest. The tracheostomy tube started to fill up with blood, pus, and plasma leakage, blocking her airway once again. The breathing tube had to be suctioned out again, and she developed a sudden nosebleed. While the tube was being cleared, her IV ports started to fill with blood. The 6th units of platelets and FFP were hung, but it appeared Jessica was in full blown DIC.

Since the IV sites were compromised, an IO was drilled into Jessica's left tibia so drugs could still be administered. The next round of epinephrine and atropine were pushed, and the 1st round of bicarb was given. Larger amounts of blood leaked out of Jessica's nose, oozing down her cheeks. Her complexion was ghastly, her lips were pale, and she was cold to the touch.

Jessica's airway became almost impossible to maintain due to the large amounts of blood in the breathing tube. The suction made a slurping sound as it sucked up the copious amounts of blood from the dying girl's airway. While that was going on, Jessica just laid there motionless on the bed with her chest being pummeled repeatedly. Her head bobbed and her feet swayed slightly in sync with the compressions. The team continued their efforts, but Jessica's pupils were fixed and dilated and showed no signs of improvement. After 2 more shocks and 5 minutes of CPR, the team terminated their efforts and pronounced Jessica dead at 2:14pm.

The monitors were switched off and the ambu bag was detached. All of the electrodes and defib pads were removed and placed into a biohazard container because of the infectious disease Jessica carried. A toe tag was placed on the big toe of Jessica's left foot. Lastly, Jessica was placed into a special body bag and left in the quarantined ER room. The doctors and nurses slowly but surely left the room, disposing of their used PPE in red biohazard containers and washing their hands with special antimicrobial soap. As a safety precaution, all of the staff members who were exposed to Jessica were injected with immunoglobulins.

About 45 minutes after time was called on Jessica, the CDC and public health officials arrived at the hospital. The CDC retrieved Jessica's body and transported it to a nearby facility to conduct an autopsy and further investigation. The CDC and health department officials also did an examination of the doctors and nurses on Jessica's case, and took their contact information. The CDC wanted to follow up with them over the following weeks to make sure they didn't contract the disease.

Jessica's autopsy at the CDC lab confirmed that she died from an APC bacterial infection. Blood and tissue samples were taken for the purposes of research, and stored in a sterile, underground facility. Little did we all know, Jessica was just the first fatality of the APC epidemic. How many more will perish before we find a successful treatment?

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

Maya?? Maya!!

also Athenas lmao

finally i am free to work on this

boy i sure hope we don’t get more info soon *squints at Amara’s character trailer just around the corner*

tl;dr: athenas. wow. uhhh temple areas with the weird vault-shaped statue things might be a teleportation hub or something like a Stargate cuz, uh… they’re probably not Vaults. i mean. given what we know maybe they are Vaults but not like vaults with important stuff inside, just teleportation vaults. you know what im trying to say? i mean it’s not like the eridians had any spaceships we’ve seen. but they had to get around somehow. 

also it’s possible the big temple area we see is on Athenas, is in that giant fucking pyramid in the background that i completely and totally did not notice for the longest time. 

i also discuss Maya and her thoughtlock skill (if she gets her powers taken away from her) and if she’s gonna die or not. because she’s got the Cloud Kill legendary (’oh noo she ded’), an apprentice (let’s be real, the cliches aren’t looking great), and she seems to working beside rampagers in that giant temple area (also another reason i think it’s on athenas) and tbh i didn’t see her tattoos in either of those shots (but that could be cuz she’s so smoll). so that’s cool. 

oh also the order of the impending storm was probably pretty respectable back in the day, since they can track sirens (maya’s assassin in son of crawmerax), and maybe that’s how maya figured out ava was gonna be a siren even tho she hasn’t manifested her powers yet. and Maya’s probably unearthing all this buried Siren/Vault knowledge and bringing the Academic District back into power while also protecting the Order from Maliwan. who’s still v sus.

wow we have a lot to go over

so to start, im taking a wild guess and saying the temple is on Athenas. why? because we really haven’t gotten a lot of looks at either of those areas too much (compared to promethea and eden-6) and the architecture lines up to me. 

also i, an idiot, was all like ‘mannnn Athenas is super mountainy, that’s wild. love it’ and neglected to realize there’s literally a giant fucking pyramid in the background of a lot of shots

on the right

behind the tower

to the right of ava

on the left

so i feel really dumb right now for not noticing this sooner and writing it off as a mountain. It's literally the fuckin Vault symbol like. ~triangles~. i played skyrim i should know what mountains look like when they’re not 1 polygon

either way, if that’s not at least part of the temple, it’s definitely important. somehow.

but let’s talk about the temple. the parts we know.

let’s try to look out the windows of this wild place

see cause this looks like inside a mountain

so my first instinct was eden-6 because we see a volcano on there

i mean im under the assumption this is eden-6???

bc all the plants match up

… maybe there’s more than one temple?

oh god i don’t wanna separate these by temple that’s going to be IMPOSSIBLE

but yeah i guess it’s possible there’s one on Eden-6 and one on Athenas… dear god…

but yeah my first instinct for that was ‘inside a volcano’

possible mountain on the left there

very rocky all around. im assuming this is underground or smth?

it feels like we’re underground

so maybe it’s a thing where it just keeps going further down. iunno.

it’s hard to place exactly where this is going to be because of the whole ‘underground’ thing

the part that’s throwing me off the most is this

because this looks like Pandora bc of Elpis and the rocks

and it looks like we’re walking outside a temple with the same friggen tiles on the floor, which means it is possible that this is The Temple, but you think we’d know about a giant-ass temple just on pandora. especially with the big dig site

but then we see a super similar dig site (supposedly on promethea). so what the HELL

im almost inclined to believe this is some sort of Eridian teleportation system. i know, i know, we have Sanctuary-III so it’s pointless. but… will we always have Sanc-III throughout the story? yada yada orange/gray -> blue/yellow/red markings. you get the dealio by now.

to

when taken by the cult or smth.

idk it’s possible we won’t have sanc-III for the entire game (just like normal sanctuary in bl2, in that we’ll get it back eventually (or ill kill someone for taking my room decorations)) and then we’ll have to use this wicked eridian tech to move between planets with these gateways. sort of like a stargate…

this thing is a stargate. I’ll call back to this in a hot second.

what kinda shit am i tripping on? i don’t really know. but given how it seems like these temples could be on ANY of the planets we see, im trying to figure out wtf the connection could be.

and give me this: we have never actually seen an eridian spacecraft, but we know they’ve traveled across the galaxy, putting vaults on different places. how in the fuck could they have done that if, you know, they didn’t have spaceships to travel through… space? 

well we know they have the power of teleportation down pat. i mean down so hard they were able to create a ‘teleportation gland’ that allowed a giant vault monster to teleport at will. (now im wondering if lilith has one… hm.) 

this blue thing (which… is the same color as siren stuff. okay. im sorry. i won’t get off topic this time. but it’s stewing in my gray matter)

and given that we know all the (okay, we only know for certain some) vaults open up into this other dimension (space place), would it be so hard to believe that they’re created links between planets using this dimension? i just… something isn’t right here and this seems like the most logical solution. 

take a look at Eleseer. look at all those holograms of labeled planets. of galaxies and stars in the distance. it’s possible eleseer is like the Hub for this teleportation system (explaining why it’s always open) and explaining why it’s got all those weird planet holograms sitting around. could also explain why Moon = Key.

These aren’t Vaults, they wouldn’t show up on the Vault Map- explaining why we never saw this one on Pandora- these are like… gateways or something, iunno. name pending until sept. 13th i guess.

so why tf am i going off about this on a post about maya and athenas?

because i think athenas has a gateway in it too

yeah you should recognize that thing in the background!

that’s this place!!! from the behind closed doors demo!!

and it still

doesn’t look like a vault to me

it’s intact (also it looks like stairs…). all the Vaults we’ve seen are 100% not intact. they’re all chunky and in pieces (we’re gonna ignore eleseer and uhhhh all that business right now, but even thinking about how the sentinel tried to emulate a vault by spawning it in chunks and THEN assembling it)

chunky

im just saying there has to be a reason these vault-like shapes are intact. they’re either just statues/monuments or they have a purpose.

so why tf am i convinced they have a purpose?

bc we’ve seen one light up

taken straight from the void itself (seriously it’s like a gradient back there. which is weird.)

so there’s gotta be a reason it does this right? and if it’s not a Vault, because it’s on Pandora and the Crimson Raiders would have seen it on the Vault Map, then what the fuck is it?

welllllllll i just don’t know. but my best guess right now is some sort of teleportation system to travel between planets. if there are ‘temples’ on every planet then it would make sense that there is some way for eridians to travel btwn them. 

personally i think there’s one on eden-6 (maybe in that volcano area??) and one on Athenas (cause we really haven’t seen a lot of athenas yet and… i dunno i just have a feeling). and there’s apparently one on Pandora (given we see it with elpis in the background) and possibly one on Promethea. i don’t know what that instagram video was trying to imply. i don’t wanna think too hard about it right now my brain hurts enough already as it is.

but uhhh i was gonna talk more about athenas than this

i promise this is gonna lead into maya

the academic district, with a Vault symbol on the door, to boot.

so this place is really interesting to me for a lot of reasons.

1. that vault symbol on the door

2. they’re flying flags with the vault symbol on it

3. giant pyramid in the back

it’s staggeringly huge

4. they have siren tattoos on the building in the back there. specifically, amara’s tattoos

yeah. maybe this is Partali? a smaller area on Athenas, like Meridian is a city on Promethea, and this is Amara’s way of tagging her presence/an area under her protection as the Tiger

more shots of Athenas from the amd horizons e3 stream

it’s a very pretty planet

so if anything, this is the place we’re going to go to learn about Sirens.

and i don’t know how much the Order of the Impending Storm actually KNOWS about Sirens, because all we know about them from maya’s backstory is that they were assholes and using maya to keep the people scared and giving them money

also that they knew how to track sirens

that’s probably important…

“Maya, you’ll like this next dude. He’s a Siren tracker named Mordo Sophis, Father of Brother Stephen Sophis, that dude you ganked back on Athenas. And boy, oh boy, is he just itching for vengeance.”

who isn’t, mr. mordo, sir? get in line

anyway apparently the Order knows how to track Sirens. Which could explain how Maya has a Siren apprentice when Ava uhhh apparently hasn’t manifested her powers (or tattoos) yet. might also explain how they got their hands on Maya when she was a baby. cuz yeah… i got the feeling they stole her and killed her parents… just a feeling.

y’know if tannis didn’t kill that siren tracker dude maybe she could’ve learned something from him first. that could’ve been interesting.

anyway, idk. maybe at one point the Order was respectable and, like, didn’t force people into giving them money by using sirens as a scare tactic. 

it looks like they have/had an academic district (which im sure maya is helping cultivate) focused on Sirens/Vaults.

and there’s a lot of importance on books this game

seriously

apparently

there’s

a

lot.

but let’s get back to this in a minute, because i do wanna talk about the name of the Order.

it’s full name is the Order of the Impending Storm.

I know while writing bl2 they probably didn’t know that they were gonna be building towards a war in tps, but it’s still interesting that they decided to bring them back into play now. because they 100% could have just left them as a background monastery that Maya came from and have maya refuse to return/start her own organization. but they made her specifically return there.

so does their name have significance now? i’d be willing to bet a yes. I mean, war is coming. Impending Storm sounds like it’d be a pretty fitting name for an organization that knew this. Especially because according to Maya’s cosplay guide, they worshipped her like a God (seriously lol are all Sirens worshipped as minor deities? most people know Sirens are Sirens right? like just people with magic powers..? hmmm)

And if Maya returned to learn more about Sirens, then isn’t it implied that the Order did, in fact, know more about Sirens than Maya did? hell, maybe even Tannis…

especially if the temple or eridian ruins are nearby. Say… In this giant pyramid…

so this doesn’t fit in with the aesthetic of Athenas at all. it’s almost like those are caution colors on the bottom strip there. warning you to not go inside. i don’t know if this was built by the eridians or by whoever is on Athenas to keep whatever’s inside… inside (cough Rampagers cough)

either way that pyramid is FUCKING HUGE

seriously, just compared to the academic district, it’s insanely big (that is the BASE in the background)

also guess who just realized this would be a hilarious joke by gearbox

to have pyramids built by ancient aliens. oh, you.

also, side note, there’s a crew challenge for moxxi in the academic district

i just have no idea how we’re getting up there…

oh but the Order. yeah i get the feeling they know A LOT about Sirens/Eridians. maybe even what’s about to go down. but maybe a majority of that was lost in the archives when some corrupts assholes came into power. and now Maya returned and is slowly but surely unarchiving everything we need to know about Sirens.

perhapith this book has some Siren-y knowledge within it? from someone who went into the temple on Athenas and… never came back out.

and I would bet Maya is waging war against Maliwan at the same time as she’s uncovering all this buried info (protecting the Order) because Maliwan is trying to get this info as well. 

Seriously, anyone else notice Maliwan is SPREADING?? They’re not just on Promethea. they’re on Eden-6. They’re on Athenas. They’re even fuckin on Pandora in some trailers (although I would not trust any trailer with roses at this point. something’s really fucky. I will make a seperate post about that i think, once we get Amara’s and Fl4k’s trailers). I’m really suspicious that Maliwan has either joined the cult, or they’re going to become the main villains. which, y’know, given corporations are the big bad in borderlands always… that seems about right.

I wouldn’t even be surprised if Maya/the Order knows something about the Children of the Vault. Given that one pic of her holding a book with the CoV symbol on it.

that she seems to be passing on to Ava

I dunno. I don’t think Children of the Vault is a name that the cultists/Calypsos just HAPPENED to come up with. And I still don’t think that the broadcast easter egg is from the Calypsos. it doesn’t make sense. I know I went over this in-depth in the Promethea post but god damn it im going to do it again because i feel so strongly about this.

i feel like the cult stumbled upon this name and decided to adopt it as their own. or tried revive an old cult with the same name. and if they didn’t, why in the hell does the message say ‘Do Not Open the Vaults’? How do the twins know about Tannis by name?

i mean, okay, granted we don’t know exactly how she fixed the Vault Map and it could be that the twins know how she did it. Because I still haven’t been able to place that one shot of them walking outside the Recruitment Center 

this one

and we know tannis fixes (??) the Vault Map in the recruitment center, so, maybe they saw it happen or there’s some sort of record in the vault map? that shows her fixing it and when they get to Promethea they send out that message?

i meannn she seems pretty surprised it’s functioning, herself.

so maybe they come while/after tannis fixes the key/map to get it back and Lilith like alright everyone let’s book it to Ellie’s garage with the Map. she’ll help us get to Sanc-III.

and in that they see that she’s able to fix it (possibly with weird Siren/Destroyer/Slag/pickurpoison powers) and that’s how they know Tannis is not what she seems.

and maybe the twins just don’t want their cultists opening the vaults because they want to be the ones to open it.

Sure

BUT that’s boring sauce to theorize about because it’s all just there. I’m still partial to the idea that Children of the Vault is actually referring to Sirens tho. It would explain why Maya has a book with the symbol for the CoV on it and is offering it to Ava. Because why would Ava need a book about the Calypsos? who would WRITE a book about the Calypsos?? and make it look THAT old? like… c’mon.

At the very least, it’s an old name for a cult that got revived by the Calypso twins.

At the most, it’s the name for Sirens.

Or it’s the symbol for the Order of the Impending Storm, back when they were respectable. tho you think we’d see maya wearing the symbol somewhere in bl2, so maybe not. unless she took it off her clothes because they had her try to kill unarmed civilians.

I mean, why is the cult’s symbol the Vault symbol upside down, anyway? We know that the symbol for the Vaults in Eridian is the upside-down V in a circle, because Tannis tells us so in bl1. So why would a cult of people who believe the Vaults to be their birthright go around slapping what is essentially the opposite symbol everywhere?

i personally wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the symbol for Siren or something, given how closely intertwined they both seem to be to that alternate dimension.

regardless. let’s keep going

so let’s talk about Maya’s fate in BL3. Is she gonna die? is she not gonna die? i dunno. let’s discuss.

i personally would not be surprised if she does, but i’d be a little disappointed regardless. if any Siren is gonna die… Lilith is going to finish her character arc this game. not that I want her to die, but still. I get that they gotta keep the Siren cycle going.

sooo one big point in the ‘maya dies’ category:

“Oh noo she ded” i mean. that’s just mean, gearbox. 

of course we don’t know if that’s talking specifically about Maya, could be talking about Tyreen, or a miniboss, or something. but i do think it’s interesting that it’s on maya’s legendary. plus uhhh given we had a death out of Roland in BL2, and in TPS 2 of those VHs died as well, I think it’s a given at least one BL2 VH isn’t gonna live to see the end of 3. as much as that actually physically pains me to type. 

And… to tip the scales further to Maya, Zer0 has crew challenges, which probably means they won’t be biting the dust anytime soon, unless you wanna completely ruin doing all the crew challenges by beating the game before doing the assassination quests. which doesn’t seem like something they’re keen on doing, if Roland giving out side quests had anything to say about it. Of course there’s always the argument that someone will take over Zer0′s crew challenges if they die, but… who would? Rhys? maybe. i get the feeling he might be too busy with Atlas though. Lorelei..? … i don’t know her well enough to make a statement on that.

taken from K6′s awesome legendary loot vid

Back to the legendary. we know it’s hers based off the name ‘Cloud Kill’, which is one of her best skills (after the buff lol). It’s a corrosive only Maliwan smg (as far as i can tell. it doesn’t look like there’s the option to swap elements. so it’s cool to know uniques might throw out their manufacturer’s alternate firing modes). i’m gonna take a guess and say it mimics cloud kill by spawning a cloud on top of enemies that are shot with it. that could clean out an entire room in seconds, especially on Amara with Phasegrasp.

anyway i got more

so Ava is Maya’s apprentice, hmmmm?

well i dunno about you guys but whenever a character gets an apprentice/kid/whatever, it’s not good news for the character. and given that borderlands definitely doesn’t need children to keep the premise fresh, I’m a bit worried for Maya.

Ava must be important to the main story, or they could’ve taken her out or put Gaige in. The devs themselves said they only wanted to bring in characters that they knew had significant importance to the plot and so that characters wouldn’t feel shoehorned in.

so there’s a few ways things can go down with Ava, using apprentice stereotypes:

1) She takes over after Maya dies/has her powers stolen/is brainwashed and helps us bring Maya back by proving herself using the stuff she learned from Maya (or, the stuff she taught herself that Maya said wasn’t important)

1b) she inherits Maya’s powers and Maya trains her in the way of Phaselock

possibly maya handing over her class mod or smth

2) she’s evil and the cult is using her to get info and secretly hates maya or whatever

Given Ava is like… 12… I wanna believe she’s not evil. of course we don’t actually know if she’s 12 cause apparently the Siren lore got messed up knowing Angel had her powers manifest at 5. but that’s not canon until mentioned in-game, so fuck it: let’s believe Ava is 12 and not evil and is just Maya’s kickass Siren apprentice.

The apprentice Maya was able to find because the Order knew how to track Sirens/determine if someone is going to exhibit Siren powers.

yes, let’s go with that.

So… what’s gonna happen to Maya, then?

I personally believe she’s going to have her powers stolen and used against her. One major part of her powers is that she’s able to ‘Thoughtlock’, which basically brainwashes an enemy to fight for her.

That sounds like it would be insanely powerful in the hands of the Calypso twins, especially since Maya has gotten more powerful since bl2, and tbh I can’t see them wanting to pass it up. Of course it could also be story-breaking, but let’s say they can only have one person ever Thoughtlock-ed at a time and suddenly it’s a lot less troublesome.

so this scene makes me do a big thonk

(also, another reason im thinking this temple area is on Athenas is bc Maya’s there! plus there are triangles everywhere. Triangles… pyramids… iunno. just spitballing)

also idk if this is just cause she’s super teeny-tiny buuuut

im worried i can’t see maya’s tattoos

she’s also entirely focused on the player instead of… oh, idk, the giant rampager right next to her

and idk it looks almost like she’s holding a gun and aiming it at us?

which hey, i wouldn’t jump to conclusions right away because she does have a skill that allows her to heal allies by shooting them

but also… if she doesn’t have her siren powers, then that’d just be like… regular shooting, wouldn’t it? and if she DOES have her Siren powers, why in the hell is she not using them on the giant monster right next to her???

we see her again in the background of this shot

again… tattoos not 100% clear.

she also seems to be taking radiation damage from the rampager! which is good. but also she doesn’t seem to care that much about it.

we can also see her gun here

sorry it was kinda being obscured by the youtube progress bar

but uhhh it’s not looking good.

boy i really hope Maya doesn’t die

we also know it was hinted that Krieg might be making a return! from his voice actor’s twitter:

tho, he also soon made a tweet after that was all like “this doesn’t confirm nor deny that krieg is returning” which, yeah i get that.

either way, if Krieg is coming back, it’d be interesting to see what goes down with him, especially if Maya dies. or even if Maya’s ‘just’ in trouble, I could see him going absolutely apeshit.

maybe krieg will sacrifice himself to save maya, somehow. maybe he’s have a moment of pure lucidity and save her. maybe she’ll die and he’ll lose his mind and become a boss battle. maybe she’ll save him and they’ll live happily ever after ;w; who knows~

maybe ava will have heard about Krieg through Maya and will go to get him to try and help save her. that’d be really interesting to see- krieg smashing through a wall with Ava riding on his shoulder lol

anyway, holy shit im exhausted. i gotta wrap this up because it’s like 1am and i’ve been working on this post for like… 3 days straight now. ech.

if maya does die, it would be interesting to see is Ava inherits her powers after we kill the Calypsos. like, would the powers try to go back to their original host? would they see she’s dead and just find another Siren to give the powers to? i wonder if maya dying/being about to die would be enough of a traumatic experience for ava to unlock her siren powers.

ohh it’d be cool if Ava unlocked her siren powers and used them to save Maya from the cult/brainwashing/whatves

alright. im tired lmao

good night.

[pbandjesse]

Well the last hour and a half was a ride. We just left our second tattoo shop of the night. Much happier and more successful. Today was great. It was so chill and I had such a nice time. 

The party last night was great. But my favorite part for sure was staying up to late talking to Jess. We were up to late. But it was worth it. 

And sleeping on the couch was actually really comfortable. We slept until about 9 and it was good. 

We took our time getting dressed and stuff. Because no where really opens until 11 in her neighborhood. Which is totally fine. It let her show me around a little. And point out stuff. Enjoy how pretty and nice it was today. 

We did have a pretty excellent brunch. The place was really cute and I had a lot of fun talking to Jess about life and boys and food. It's always nice to catch up like this. And when we can just be calm and not rush is even better. 

We did many things but also not many things. We took a car after brunch and went to the queen's museum. 

The car ride made Jess feel sick so we sat outside for a little. There were lots of people in traditional Indian clothes and I pointed it out to Jess. And when we got inside we discovered it was because today was the festival of lights! It was a celebration!! There were lots of families and kids and they all looked so pretty. It was great. 

What we were there for thougj was the world fair. This was the site of the 1964/1965 world's fair. They had some structures still. And a very large globe. But my favorite part was the 1:1200 scale model of New York City. There was even a plane that flew in and out of one of the airports. It was incredible. We spent so much time walking around and Jess pointing things out to me. It was great. 

The rest of the museum was neat. But small. What was most fun was going outside and taking pictures and exploring the ground. I had a lot of fun doing photoshoots and we even climbed a tree. It was a beautiful day and it was just so nice. 

We ran back inside the museum to get a drink and found that the festival event was finished. So we got to go explore an interactive piece that had had a lot of children on it before. It was jeans!! Stuffed and sewed waist to waist. The work was meant to be interacted with. 

Since no one was around I wanted to jump on the pile. So I did that. And then Jess did. And were laying there making jokes about replacing furniture with stuffed jeans. And I made a joke about playing dominos with them since it was different brands together. And then I made the best suggestion. Let's line them up. Organize them. And Jess loved that. 

So in fits of giggles we started organizing. 

Eventually an older man came over and started helping us. We became proformance art. We lined up all 104 pairs of jeans. People were asking us questions. We were taking pictures. It was a blast. 

But just as we were finishing they came out with big boxes because there was going to be a wedding right there. The man was nice enough to let us finish and take pictures. It was the best. 

We got back to the neighborhood. Had dinner at a fancy Mexican place. And then made a pit stop to take a rest at the apartment. And then on to tattoos. 

We had a little trouble getting there. But we found it. And it was packed. 

And it felt off. The whole scene. They had tattooed a person's hand who had no other tattoos. Which is a red flag. They didn't ask for our names. There was someone who had been waiting for 3 hours. We waited for a little. And then we were asked what we were getting. And we told him and he says it'll be $100. What?? The Instagram said $31. For October. He then starts being really passive aggressive and condescending asking if I had any tattoos and understood what they cost. And how it would just be the real simple ones. And I said no your Instagram said this whole sheet. And at that moment I knew I wasn't getting tattooed there. And I was pissed at his tone. And Jess and me left. 

But I wasn't going to let one asshole ruin my day. We had walked past another tattoo shop around the corner. 

We went there. And they were closing soon but the guy was so nice and he said he would tattoo me. 

So I got my furby. I am so so pleased. He was so nice and such a soft hand. And the work came out beautiful. I'm so excited. He really saved the night. And he let us know that the tattoo shop we went to is basically a scam. And we aren't the first people to come tell him a story about how shitty they were. And he was pretty angry about it. They had purchased an Instagram with 12k followers and none of them have been tattooing a year. So none of the work is actually theirs. What a mess. 

But we were saved. And we headed home. 

We took the subway and then walked. And it was a really nice walk. Lots of people dressed up for Halloween. Lots of fun things to see. And now we are home. We had ice cream and were gonna sleep. 

Another chill day tomorrow. And I go back to Baltimore. I hope you all sleep great and have a safe night. 

[shriekbackmusic]

‘Contaminated Pop’ - Lyrics Barry Andrews’ 2019 Solo Album

PUT ME TO WORK

I’ve been a groom I‘ve worked the room I’ve wrapped myself around a broom back in my prime

I fixed the stats

I shaved the rats

Brought litter for the Thundercats

- so many times

(I’ve been a jerk)

PUT ME TO WORK!

O mighty plume! O suffering moon! O weasles in the drawing room! (please make it fast) enklastify my words right now unruly  gods will show me how I’ll get the mule before the plough until the last I will not shirk PUT ME TO WORK!

I’ll get the weight upon on my back I’ll eat my body weight in thrak I’ll holler by the railway track (and holler loud!) This Plasma-shift i cannot stop Tumescence intra bellytop Merch is flying out the shop. and in the crowd, are many perks...

PUT ME TO WORK!

O master fruit so tried and true O solemn plague-rat kangaroo Something to get my teeth into is all I pray now linear ducks have just arrived the bullshit has metastasized i am intensely exercised O mood display! Let’s go beserk...

PUT ME TO WORK!

PUT ME TO WORK!

SHIT-PIXIE Don’t you feel in the spring the sickening overkill of everything? can’t help it it’s all hard-wired now All these earthly delights Looking as silly as a bag of lights Ah come on now It’s gotta feel real tired now…

Hey Mary! Get Lairy! You’re still off with the fairies But you know what the whizz and the gelignite can do.. Don’t tangle, just jangle Bring on the crimes and the scandals I’m the Shit Pixie - I’m gonna dance for you.

Nothing real will impinge on the fierce exertions of your perma-binge. Working for you? Got it in hand now? But you won’t draw the sting with your classical allusions and your broken wing. I’m gonna draw you a line in the sand now

So shabby! Gabby! Get yourself back to the abbey you can tell the enqiuiry what and when you knew They concluded what you did was totally scuppered and scoobied I’m the Shit Pixie and I’m gonna tell you true

All the gears grind for you but the light still shines on Column 32 It’s an idea (might make it worse now) Nothing glows in the night and you feel sexy as an ammonite all your virtues are a kind of curse now

Ah Mimi! It’s dreamy! if you shut your eyes you can see me I’m a horse of a different colour boiled to glue. Ignore it; just floor it. It’s so shot-away-in-the-war it’s just the Shit Pixie who’s got a thing for you..

Virgin of the Ladder

I really dig your chiaroscuro it gives me something I can misconstrue these sickly martyrs make me feel alright: they give me something I can live up to

I guess this is where the magic happens: an epiphany of stone and light? Blue-collar… of the Madonna to bring in something from the building site.

O my Virgin of the Ladder will you be with me when I start to climb? Gravity I’m overcoming Nothing doing when it comes to Time

in this year without a summer when I lost everything I thought was mine all the pain and the sheeting rain and I’m sorry baby that was the last of the wine

and I know I can change but there’s only so much a ladder will do D’you want an acolyte that is so scared of heights? rung by rung I’m climbing up to you O virgin of the ladder grant me only that I do not fall towards the centre of the earth Ah keep that ladder up against the wall Oh Virgin of the Ladder what a pretty gal you are maybe a slow climbdown into the squalid town Light a candle on the way to the bar

it’s laboured as an image overused as a metaphor  for spiritual ascension (Blake and Jacob did it long before)

but you are Mother of the Word Incarnate but what good are words when you want deeds? - you need practical KIT when you’re deep in the shit and that ladder’s gonna meet my needs O my Virgin of the Ladder will you be with me when I start to climb? Gravity I’m overcoming Nothing doing when it comes to Time

ABDOMEN JONES she will never understand all the tragic flaws of man and has not the slightest sympathy for anyone who can she disdains all protocol (she finds much distainable) still she has nothing in the quiver she’s unable to deliver

Calling Abdomen Jones I love Abdomen Jones and her animus is tidal Paging Abdomen Jones - with her 3 mobile phones - she says: ‘work is the blackmail of survival’

Honey badger isn’t fussed he has transcended disgust ….and it’s known that Jones atones for anything she must Doesn’t claim to be profound never takes the Higher Ground She is fully hypostatic - you should hear her in the attic…

Calling Abdomen Jones Strength to Abdomen Jones! with all her subtle modulations Paging Abdomen Jones with her libido made of chrome she says:  ‘pain is a kind of information’

And in any case she sees she is queen of all the bees (as she has some fun and stuns us with her fluent Javanese). And who tunes the concert grand? who will now conduct the band? Her case is prima facie (takes the Beethoven quite pacy)

Calling Abdomen Jones Lovely Abdomen Jones she makes the sound of steam escaping Paging Abdomen Jones she does just fine on her own says: ‘caresses are a form of scraping..’

LOLLIPOP BOMB

Darling monster, sweety-pie.. my mind is wandering sadly I must walk into the reeds` terribly corroded and the saints have crumbled into sand they will not intercede

And I carress the velvet hand grenade my part   is played and yes- the windows are steamy so no-one can see me

I lick the Lollipop Bomb I lick the Lollipop Bomb

hark the hot valkyries cry   their flaxen hair and crazy eyes they come at last for me honey angel baby lamb I am not what you think I am and i will never be

and I will dally in the sullen glade I’m not afraid of al that I will be streaming at twilight’s last gleaming

I lick the Lollipop Bomb I lick the Lollipop Bomb

tho I was galloping along I read all the portents wrong the Golden Age could never last that long

we are not brave we are not free and yet somehow, remarkably, are able to apall this thinning crowd here in this place the baffled looks upon their faces really says it all

and I will freak out when the time arrives it’s very clear to me that life is a long song and I sang the wrong one

I lick the Lollipop Bomb I lick the Lollipop Bomb

 FILTHY WONDERLAND

Come with me if you will - my imaginary friends - I have a tale to tell of phosphors and vapour. Upon a tiny screen i saw a magic realm though i was overwhelmed   I got it down on paper.

there’s a scenario: a woman and a wasp not everybody’s thing but no doubt it’s someone’s tumescent butterflies are spurting everywhere: to get the full effect you can even become one

there is a land of wonders and a lot are for hire where all pay homage to the glories of the gland. Do it with Dumbo’s mummy if that is your desire there’s nothing you can’t do in Filthy Wonderland

Some legendary beasts preposterously endowed throw down a fairy girl with wings and tiara. The hobbit looking on is visibly aroused   to see these monsters ride the lovely Titania

…and Things with tentacles - that penetrate the bum, A massive squirrel with a fearsome erection the  whole environment inclusive as they come, pushing the envelope of natural selection…

There is a brave new vision that machines have designed (the old pornographers will never understand) such complicated pleasures for the liberal mind this is the way of things in Filthy Wonderland

a rampant unicorn; a goblin in a thong: sexual complexity well beyond triangular little Red Riding Hood encountering the wolf in ways (you have to say) are specifically glandular

Phantasmagoria: the Japanese Depraved My Little Pony is away on a hack there. Some mythic masterplan - the lion fellates the lamb - (I need to think this through before I go back there)

There’s an enchanted garden with a final frontier: a blessed Shangri-La to greet with your left hand. they put the magic in you in a new ecosphere a brave and weird new worldc     in Filthy Wonderland

There is a land of wonders (and a lot you can buy) where all pay homage to the glories of the gland. Make it with all the cast and crew of Family Guy nothing’s denied to you in Filthy Wonderland..

CONSOLATION

Christ, here comes the storm again that lacerates the heart: the savage wind of ‘really nothing doing’. Pray for us the blighted: all the failed in love and art, who question everything they were pursuing. When the black dogs come for you well, what else can you do, but downwardly revise your expectations? Just kiss the sickly little rose and hold her steady as she goes as you light out for those lands of Consolation

All the aching moments when it didn’t go your way (we saw it all and none of it was pretty) Now you hear their voices in the gruesome light of day, with the wheezing, cheap harmonium of self pity. And there’s some sad things known to man - and quite a few are sadder than the sodden Paggliacci’s ruminations - but still you’d have a heart of stone to leave the poor clown on his own with half a bottle left of Consolation.

When you’ve failed to consummate the wedding of the soul or any other union you may yearn for Let the baby demons come and stretch you on the coals There’s nothing else you’d really care to burn for. Well it really isn’t fun and it comes for everyone   it hauls you off despite your protestations. But all the Saints of Legoland; the Poundshop Martyrs hand in hand Will wash you in the seas of Consolation.

Satan in a monster truck Jesus on a bike all these things are sent to test your mettle Half-mast flags in Whitehall or your head upon a spike? Depends on where the dust is when it settles. All the things you struggled for you can check em at the door get ready for a dubious sedation. It’s all designed to reassure: the bingo and the talking cure, as they walk you round the grounds of Consolation

Feel the Need (lyric by Abrim Tilmon - Detroit Emeralds)

See how I’m walking See how I'm talking Notice everything in me Feel the need, oh Feel, feel the need in me

I need you by my side To be my guide Can't you see my arms Are open wide? Feel the need, oh Feel, feel the need in me

Every day, I need every day, I want,  without your sweet Sweet love, I'd rather die

I need it constantly your love takes care of me your love is better To me than apple/cherry pie

Your love is tuff and I can't get enough Girl, your love is So important to me Feel the need, feel the need in me

Just put your hand in mine Love me all the time The proof you will Plainly see, Feel the need, oh Feel, feel the need in me

I need you on the case To keep my heart in place You make me what I need to be Feel the need,  Feel the need in me

I need you by my side To be my guide Can't you see my arms Are open wide? Feel the need, oh Feel it, feel the need in me

[gremlinquisitor]

For DWC: "And do you hope those earthbound poets / could learn to sing as good as us?", IFHF's local power couple

for @dadrunkwriting and @sulevinblade

IFHF = I’m Fast, He’s Fast, the title I give every AU I write and never finish where I make my faves into race car drivers.  This time it’s Cullen and Alistair, but everyone is around, not to worry.

~1400 words, Cullen/Alistair, mention of a car accident, takes place in a hospital (don’t worry, he’s gonna make a full recovery)

-------

It doesn’t happen in an instant. It happens in agonizing slow motion - the interrupted discussion on the radio, the brake lights at the corner before the cars disappear, even the yellow flag looks as if it’s being drawn through water. He is distantly aware that they are being stared at, all of them, the other teams turning to look with mixed expressions, none of them good.

“Alistair? Alistair, can you-- if it’s not on fire then I don’t want to hear about the car, are you all right?” Leliana is pacing, one hand on the button of her headset, her gaze at the ground. “Cullen, go.”

He’s staring past the corner of the track and doesn’t hear her at first, not until she sets a hand on his shoulder and pushes, and he turns to look at her.

“Cullen, they’re taking him to the on-site medical center. He’s awake. Go.” She sighs and shakes her head, looks away as she switches between talking into the headset and talking to him. “No, I’m talking to-- Cullen! Go!”

The fear in her eyes flips a switch in him, and he’s off, tents and equipment and faces passing in a blur as he runs towards the medical center. He hears his name shouted, some concerned competitor, but can’t stop to talk. Leliana and the others are still in the pits and can offer information. Cullen has other responsibilities.

It’s only a practice, this sort of thing shouldn’t happen during practice.

Alistair hears shuffling footsteps, even before he opens his eyes. Wherever he is, he’s not in his own bed, or his own clothes. Hospital, right. He’d put the car into the wall in practice, and now he’s in the hospital, and Cullen is there, moving around the room. Pacing, he realizes, following the sound from one side of the bed to the other.

“Oh, Maker, she sent you, didn’t she? Leliana worries so.” Alistair is stretched out on the hospital  bed, one arm lying across his body, the other at his side, and every part of him hurts, which seems illogical, but there’s likely some explanation, muscles tensing on impact, energy dispersion - the sort of thing that shatters cars, but that a body absorbs, only to ache afterwards. He blinks, squinting as the world comes into focus in the low light of the room. Pale green walls meant to inspire calm, a thin white blanket drawn up over his body. His helmet is on the windowsill, along with his racing suit and shoes, and a machine beeps softly beside him, leads disappearing in under his gown.

Cullen stops pacing, coming around the end of the bed, and Alistair can only hope that the machine will be his ally in this and not give him away when he takes him in. He looks tired, like he’s aged years since the last time Alistair saw him, as if stress can make a five o’clock shadow grow faster.

Cullen nods, does his best with a smile but doesn’t quite pull it off, the bags under his eyes too heavy for the corners of his mouth to lift. “I think she knew I’d be no one use to anyone if I stayed, so not so much sent as let me go.”

Alistair chuckles, but it cuts off when he draws a sharp breath and sighs. “How’s the car?” It’s not what he wants to ask, but it’s the first thing that comes out.

“How’s the--” Cullen balks, shaking his head and running a hand back through his hair. His hand stays at the back of his neck when he turns away. “You almost wound up with the engine in your lap, that’s how it is. We’ll use the backup while Blackwall and the others work on it.”

Alistair sighs again, head falling to one side on the pillow to look away from Cullen. He doesn’t want to fight. Of all the things in the world that he wants right now, he doesn’t want Cullen to be angry with him. He blinks and furrows his brow, looks out at the night through the open blinds. “It’s late.” It’s more an observation than an attempt to change the subject.

Cullen nods; Alistair can just see him out of the corner of his eye, standing at the foot of the bed with his arms wrapped around his body. “About ten-thirty.”

“Have you been here all day?” He groans at the unguarded softness in his own voice, promises to blame it on pain medication if it ever comes up again, but he also sees the way Cullen’s head comes up, turns to look at him.

“I rode over with the ambulance, so you’re stuck with me until someone comes to collect me,” Cullen replies.

Alistair looks in time to see the corner of Cullen’s mouth quirk, and he holds his breath to see if the machine will tattle on his heart, but it continues to be a true friend, beeping slow and steady out of view.

There’s a whirring sound as Alistair raises the bed a little. “Look at them out there.” He’s gone back to looking out the window, watching lights roll by on the motorway, white in one direction and red in the other. “Such calm little lives. Do you think they have any idea how much a person can feel?”

“Hit your head harder than I thought,” Cullen muses as he rounds the end of the bed to get a better look. Alistair traces the lines of his shoulders with his gaze once Cullen’s turned his back to him.

“No, but really, think about it. People like you and me, we spend more time on the edge than most. That’s got to be a thing that gets to you after a while, right? Gets in your head and strips the wiring, makes everything... bigger.”

Cullen turns just enough that Alistair can see his profile. He doesn’t speak, as if he’s waiting for Alistair to start making sense. And Maker, he wants to make sense, but he also suspects that they gave him some medicine while he was out. Fog is rolling in in his head, but he blinks, takes a deep breath, wants to get this said before he forgets it.

“We don’t do anything by half. Not living, not feeling. And then you look at them out there, in their little cars, making their way home to watch the late news and fall asleep on the couch. Do you think they feel these big feelings, too? Have any of them felt half of what we’ve felt today, if you could measure it?”

And now Cullen does turn, and this was easier when he was looking at the traffic, but Alistair isn’t sure how long he has before he falls asleep again, so he continues, keeping his eyes on Cullen’s.

“I don’t just mean the fear, either. I mean, I was scared today, that was scary, hitting that wall. But then I woke up and there you were, and that was big, too. Big feeling, like soaring. I don’t think they soar like us.” He frowns, the last rational part of his brain telling him not to be sad for the commuters before it slips under the surface.

Now Cullen looks concerned, and that’s not what he wanted at all, but when he reaches out and motions for him to come closer, he does, and Cullen lets him take his hand, and that seems to help.

“Do you feel these big feelings, too?” He’s rambling, but his eyelids are so heavy, and he’s got seconds left, maybe. “It’s not just me, is it? You stayed here all day and I don’t know why, and I don’t want the machine to tell on me. But I don’t know if you feel the same big feelings, if you soared when you saw that I was… no, wait.”

There’s a scrape as Cullen hooks a foot under the chair by the window and drags it closer to the bed so he can sit. He doesn’t let go of Alistair’s hand the whole time.

“When I woke up and you were here, I soared, and I bet none of them ever felt like that.”

His brain is telling his face to smile, but he has no idea if it’s working, but he knows that Cullen is still holding his hand when he falls asleep, and he knows that Cullen will still be there when he wakes up.