#the world will still carry on. like dont worry too much you can do whatever u want

[kimmkitsuragi]

i will NOT always be this lost and clueless in life right

[writingtohealmytrauma]

5/4/24

she left me 2 months ago and the pain is still so real and unbearable. 8 years of our life gone, she is now a stranger we dont talk, i want to talk so bad but she wants to move on and asked us not to message i want to talk to her everyday but i need to respect her decision's she still hasnt blocked me and i cant bring myself to block her number, not that it would do any good as i know her number off by heart, i managed to get the strength to archive our conversations so im not constantly seeing her name and our life everytime i message someone, i had been messaging her out of desperation and longing for connection with her and i can see by the read reciepts that she is seeing my message but choosing not to respond and it just hurts so much that this is clearly what she really wants and she is trying her hardest to get over me and us.

she tells me "We pushed it as far as we could" in reality she pushed it as far as she wanted. she tells me that she wants to have a family and she doesnt see a future with us after 8 years so she needs to leave me and find someone else to have a family with. she's 26 and wants to have kids before 30? so she cant waste any more time with us. i spent my life serving her, but it wasnt enough. i gave her everything. i literally made her breakfast and dinner every day for 3 years to prove my love to her, i flew her business class around the world i showed her a life she never dreamed off. i was there every day when she got home waiting to hear about her day, i ALWAYS made and had time for her always. she was my purpose i lived to serve her. all i ever wanted was to marry her, everyone use to have a go at me saying "why dont you marry her?" "hurry up and put a ring on her finger" like i was the problem? she was the one that would never commit. all i wanted was a family and life with her. I know her past trauma's have played a huge part in all of this, she come from a very broken family and has carried alot of trauma her whole life that she refused to deal with and that leaked into our relationship in so many ways. i truly believe if she had of dealt with her passed issues we would stil be here. she was not the only one to blame i also brought issues to the table but i have worked and turned myself out inside as a person to try and fix/overcome these and i feel i really did. she had an avoidance schema which was a real issue she would always run and shut off from us whenever things were hard, my mind is constantly telling me she was overwhelmed and her avoidance schema kicked in and thats why she ended it as there was no good reason to end it, weeks before she ended it she was telling me that she was finallly ready to get engaged after 8 years?? im so confused? I worry that she has realised this was an overreaction to a minor problem but her pride is stopping her from saying hey this is blown out of proportion can we try and fix this?? i would come running! i'd lay my life down to fix this, what ever it took whatever love she needed it is hers. I worry by the time she comes to this conclusion i will have moved on, not because i wanted to but because the pain is to great and i dont want to take my own life from grief. does one ever truly move on? will i still think about her in years too come? there is that weird sense of hope that we will get back together but i cant hold onto that. when we first started dating she saw a psychic (I dont believe in that stuff) but he told her that she was going to meet her partner and they would be together for life like penguins and that she would have twins with them. over the years i truly believed that and i made that a promise to myself that she was my penguin and that we would be together forever and have twins and i held onto that promise for so long, that promise got me through the hardest time in our relationship and now i feel its been broken it makes me sick to think that im not her penguin and some other man might be? she will have twins and a family with another man? makes me want to curl up and die.

It hurts so much that she wants to move on she couldnt do it anymore 8 years, meant nothing i know she wasnt in it for a long time i just kept pushing and pushing and exhuasting myself trying to fix it, i knew in the back of my mind that it was over a long time ago and that we wouldnt work in the future. she was my best friend though and the only family ive ever had all i wanted was to serve her and love her but there was always this twisted gut feeling in my stomach everytime i thought about our future, not from fear just uncertainty. we broke up once before for a short period of time and she bought someone back to our house within a couple days of us breaking up my mind reels at the thoughts of who she is with now who she is seeing.

**DREAM

I had a dream last night that we met up and i asked had she been with anyone else i asked her and i wanted her to say yes so i could hate her and move forwards in my dream she told me after a week of us separating that she had been sleeping with someone else she began to describe the sexual encounter to me with such joy saying it was hot and sweaty and that they didn't use protection and i remember feeling such a sense of a rage and sadness and sickness all at once in my dream, the though of her with another man made my sick. **DREAM

i woke up and i felt relieved as my mind was still telling me that was a real conversation and i hated her and could let her go and after properly waking up and realising it was a dream i cant shake the feeling the thoughts of that dream and what it meant to me. now i feel like i need to know if she is sleeping with other people so i can move on? WHY IS MY MIND ATTACKING ME LIKE THIS? i want to know that she is with other people so i can hate her so i can detach as i feel thats the only way i can move forward but at the same time i dont want to know either. i have no interest in other women right now, i dont think i ever will. i gave her every part of my heart and soul. ive only ever slept with 2 people in my life and have no interest in sleeping around being with other people, the thought makes me feel sick.

everytime i see anything slightly sexual it reminds me of her it makes me feel sick to my guts as to who she is with. i was her first and she was my second and to be intimate almost every day with the same person for 8 years is so special. i think its a mix of jealousy and fear fear because i know what other men are like and what they are capable and that she has not been exposed to how feral men can be and jealousy because what if she finds someone better than me? what if they pleasure her better or love her more. what if she is more attracted to them then me? she said to me that she still loves me and thats not that she doesnt want me she just doesnt think we have a future?? which is so insanely confusing cause how can you love and want someone but not be willing to commit to marriage and life together and risk going out into the world and hoping you find the connect you had with someone else.

she was my bestfriend, all i wanted was to be around her and in her presence and i think that makes this all so much harder for me. i feel like im one of those people that is always surrounded by people but feel so alone always. she took away the loneliness made me feel complete and normal maybe it was bad that i needed her to make me feel that way, maybe i should learn to feel that way before getting into another relationship. thats what everyone tells you to do. but does anyone actually truly do that? does anyone ever wait untill they are complete and feel whole before getting into another relationsip? i feel like if you were complete and happy being alone you would never get into a relationship at all so i feel like that kind of advice is a lie? what else would compel you to be in a relationship if you have learnt to be happy alone, i understand women having a biological clock and im led to beleive that some women have overwhelming maternal instincts and the need to have children but as a some what succesful male, if i learn to be happy aloen and enjoy my own company? why would i want to get into a relationship what would be the driving force behind that? so i think that type of thinking is a lie and fanciful.

i feel scared to go back home, i know i need to though. i left the state i live in to go stay with my cousins for a wgile to try and clear my head i dont know if it has helped our made things worse? im genuinely not sure.

im so scared of running into her, im so scared of running into her with another man. i dont know how to deal with these feelings of fear and jealousy. i just love her so much and my heart screams for her day in an day out.

even writing this now i feel sick at the thought the she is talking to somoene else and flirting with them and doing sexual things with them.

i think the hardest thing for me to grasp is her being sexually intimate with someone else. that seems to be the trigger for me to spiral and feel sick.

my psycologist told me that those are grief thoughts and to label them grief thoughts and that they will pass but they just make me sicker and sicker everytime i think of them.

im not eating, im not sleeping all i do is train. i feel so insecure and so scared i feel like ive aged so much in our relationship and that im ugly and un lovable so im just destroying my body to stay fit and become stronger than i am. i worry its becoming a mental ilnness almost a body dysphoria i hate myseld and everything about myself.

she was younger than me buy a couple of years and i know she is going to date someone younger than me and they will be fitter and stronger than me and it just hurts so much to think that.

i get angry cause i feel like she used me and robbed me of my life and my best years and that she never had any intention of seeing this through. she just used me as a vessel to get her setup in a career and financially.

[bubbles-for-all-of-us]

BUBBLES!!!! Hello hello I know I said that I’d send something YESTERDAY but again procrastinating seemed like a much better option lol BUT I AM SENDING SOEMTHING NOW!!!! And before that just wanted to say how much I loved the cute pedrito story really <3 we need more fluff and cuteness overload in this cruel, cruel world!!

OKAY NOW I was going to send a fluffy headcanon BUT THEN!!!!! I got a quite angsty idea that I just can’t shake off of my mind so 🫠Alright! You go on patrol with Tommy, Joel and Maria (i mean maybe other people but I don’t really know names lol and it’s just not that important anyway) AND OF COURSE YOU GET ATTACKED it could be infected, it could be raiders, whatever! And of course you get badly hurt (this is inspired by something I saw in a show where, to escape the villain, the mc let herself fall from the first floor and got impaled on some metal thingie BUT SHE SURVIVED DONT WORRY!!) so let’s say you chose to let yourself fall, etc…which leaves you with a severe injury in the abdomen. 
Joel doesn’t waste any time rushing to you and that’s where he sees the giant pool of blood staining your clothes, the metal sticking out of you. You’re breathing heavily, sweating, all the symptoms and Joel is panicked, losing his mind, you name it. This is just too familiar, too much of a déjà-vu and Tommy who’s there as well can’t help but feel the “shit it’s happening again, she’s going to die” 
But they have to act fast so they manage to lift you, the metal thing still in the wound (so you don’t bleed out and not like mr Joel and his knife ahem) and they take you back to Jackson. Joel is carrying you, trying to keep you awake and just…not have you die in his arms. Thankfully you weren’t that far away so you manage to go back rapidly but when you reach the town, you’re in a pitiful state—white as a sheet, shallow breathing, delirious, etc...— and you're quickly sent to the town hospital
Joel absolutely REFUSES to leave your side, probably gets into a fight with the doctor to be allowed in because he can't bear being away from you now.
The doctor quickly realize that oh oh they don't have any anesthesia and they're going to have to take off the metal spear + sew you back without putting you asleep and if you don't die from the hemorrhage, you might just end up dying from the pain.
They explain the situation to Joel who again, is this close to just fuck these doctors up but he doesn't have a choice: either they operate without anesthesia or they let you bleed to death. 
Ellie arrives as well because word in Jackson travels fast and she's aware of what happened, Tommy stays with her outside, explaining to her the situation. That's when Ellie hears your wretched screams piercing through the small building.
Inside the "operating room", the doctors are trying to keep you from moving as they get the metal out of you and if Joel's heart hadn't broken already, it sure as hell is breaking now as you're begging him to make the pain stop. He's holding you, keeping your shoulders fixed on the table and trying to soothe you and he does the heartbreaking "I know, I know, baby, I know" but truth is, he's completely powerless and it's killing him. One of the scariest, most tragic moment of his life is happening all over and just like the first time, he can't do anything but try and calm you down and tell you to not leave him. His tears fall on your contorted face and if he could he would just take that pain all for him, take all the pain just to stop your screams. 
Finally, the doctors manage to find some sleeping pills or something to soothe you and help you rest. They assure Joel that you're stable and you should be okay and Joel can feel the tiniest bit of the weight lift from his shoulders. 
Seeing the doctors left, Ellie understands it's over and she goes inside to find Joel sitting at your side. His clothes are drenched with blood—your blood— but when he sees Ellie, he hugs her. She doesn't care about the blood staining her own clothes, she accepts the embrace and squeezes Joel tight. 
There is this sort of...mutual understanding between them. Joel can't just crumble because he needs to be there for Ellie so he tries to show a brave face. And in the same way, Ellie knows what Joel has lost so she tries to be here for him.


I was about to send out a searching crew for you. Missed ya!!!! 🥺

No stop it this is absolutely mental. Love you need to start writing if you ain't doing that already because dang!!!!!! 😭😫🥲

[sunnsartbook]

“Watch the Stars”

OC Story:

An.: Some sweet stuff, fluffy with a bit of angst and sadness. This actually made me cry a bit so i hope you like it ^^.

It was a beautiful starry night sky.   Crickets chirp. Waves of the sea pounded against the walls of the reef. The streets on this calm island have been quiet for a long time. 

“You know...” A voice rise in the starry night, just a quiet whisper. “...my feets are killing me. How about we rest for a while?”  

Isn't it cute how she tried to lie to him? She knew that he was in a rush, but she also had this weird feeling. That feeling that this was the last time they ever talk to each other or be with each other. She was worried. But would she ever say it to him? Not really. Sadly. 

They met just by an accident. She was searching for some information. What a coincidence! He too! 

She promised that she would help him out. How stupid to think that she would never help him. She loved him more than everything in this chaotic world. 

“Haha! Come on! I know you better than you think. How about that...” He turned around, smiled at her smaller being.  

She growled at him, punched him on his Arm. That earns her just an another laugh by him. “...i can carry you. It's not like you weight a ton.” Her next punch came unexpected. 

“You know... i really missed you...” Silently she snuggled into his Back. It was warm... no, he was warm. It wasn't too hot, it was a bit in the middle. Comfortable.  

He just hummed at her. He would never really admit it to her but he felt the same way. It was hard for him in the past, seeing her getting more sick day by day. What ever that helped her getting cured, he was just so relieved. But still, he wished that she would never be in fights, on the sea or in any organisation. A normal life is what he wished for her.  He is scared that anything could happen to her. This is the reason why he never talk to someone about her. Not even a single Man on the Moby Dick. No one should ever know that she was also the Child of...  

“Do you ever looked up?” Her question stopped the train of thought in his mind. “What do you mean? I always looking forward?” She laughed at him. “Not like that silly! I mean up to the stars.” His frown disappeared. Looked up into the starry sky. Indeed it was a beautiful view. “Would it not be nice to be free like all those stars?” He was confused. Free like the stars? But they are Free. Nobody say them what they should do. They can do whatever they want. Travel wherever they want. “Seems like this stupid blonde back then infected you... Freedom?” He looked at her with a serious look. But she just grabbed his chin, forced him to stare back at the sky. “Do you see that really bright Star? Its called Sirius. All this Stars can be followed. Sometimes it helps me to Coordinate.” “I didn't know that you know so much about this but still! What has this to do with being free?” He asked her. “You cant be Free as long you follow someone... I can talk about this things all day, but i dont think you will ever understand...” Things she never would have. At least this is what she thinks. Things that Stars represent like: Love, hope and a life. 

She never felt loved or hope. Was seeing the Reaper of death more then once in her life. 

Her Sickness 

The lost of someone important 

Torture 

Manipulations 

It tormented her until late at night. 

“Hey! Look at this! Doesn't it look like a squashed square?” He pointing at the Star constalation, slowly she looked in the pointing direction. She smiled. “Its called Capricorn...”  

2 Years later: 

“Its a Capricorn... Are you also watching it? I hope so. I promise... We will see  it once again. Dear Brother... ” 

For her... It seemed... Death was the only way to be really Free. 

Inspired by Song: AIR - Kelly Watch the Stars

[fallinfl0wers]

hellooo! this is the first time i request something from a blog :D could i request headcanons of diluc, scara, kazuha and xiao when their s/o tells them they're pregnant and possibly how they'd get used to having a kid? tyy! dont forget to take breaks and relax!

Literally baby-sized trouble.

summary: you're pregnant! how does he react to the news and how do the get used to your child? includes: diluc (26 bullet points), scaramouche (24 bullet points), kazuha (17 bullet points) and xiao (35 bullet points) warnings: fem!reader, pregnancy, children, non-explicit/non described giving birth, mostly fluff with a little bit of hurt/comfort and angst. format: headcanons thank you for your request!! this was so fun to write! >< imagining the characters being soft with children is just so cute :") i specially like these four a lot >< when i wrote this i was in a xiao mood if it wasn't obvious that his turned out longer than everyone else's lol, and it's also the first time i write for kazuha so it was shorter than the others, but i think his is the sweetest ><! i hope you enjoy it! ps. the names and meanings- i got them from google, feel free to correct me if there's anything wrong with them ><

Diluc

He's going to stop functioning the moment he hears the news from you.

Literally, he's still as a rock and completely taken by surprise.

He... can't say he'd never wanted children. He's pretty traditional and, since he has this beautiful relationship with you, he assumed it might happen sometime in the future.

But oops guess it will have to happen in the close future, since you're already pregnant.

After staring at you with widened eyes for a while, he speaks up: "...is... is it true?" You hold his hands on yours with a smile on your face, nodding. "Yes, Diluc. We're going to be parents." Hearing your words, he starts to tear up as he hugs you, his touch almost hesitant, as if you were so fragile he could break you if he wasn't careful. "...thank you." He'd whisper between silent tears, hiding his face from your sight.

Very supportive and very protective!

You will have the most comfortable of pregnancies. He will make sure you don't need to move a single muscle to get anything you want.

If the two of you aren't married or engaged yet, he's going to propose to you very soon, keep that in mind ><

He starts reading every book he can find on pregnancies and babies so that he knows what to do to help you when you give birth and how to take care of his child once they're born ><

You have to convince him that yes, you can go and eat in the dining room and you don't need to eat everything in your room or stay in bed all day and yes, you can still do most things and no, he doesn't have to worry so much.

But yeah, in later stages of your pregnancy he gets more overprotective because he doesn't want anything to hurt you or your baby :(

He couldn't be calm enough while you gave birth and had to wait outside of the room, which only made him more nervous </3

But when he finally held your little baby on his arms for the first time, he broke down crying.

You two had a boy! He looked a lot like him, too... with the red hair and eyes... so cute...

He's not sure of what to name him, he'd thought of some names before, but they all disappeared when he saw the little bundle of joy in his arms;;

So you two will have to think about a name again!

In the end, you settle for Felix; name meaning "happy" or "lucky"!

Diluc is a very busy man, but he still does his best to be there for you and his son as much as possible!

He's also not very sure as to how he should interact with him...

But he does know he LOVES playing with him as soon as he starts to understand how to play with his toys.

But... there are not so cute parts about having a kid, after all.

At times, he worries whether or not he'll be able to be there enough for him.

He wonders if he can be a good father, given how awkward he is with his emotions.

What if when Felix grows up he starts hating him for being absent? He wouldn't be able to stand it.

You always reassure him as you both put the baby to sleep on his crib.

All Diluc wants is for his son to have a happy childhood and a loving family, but worries he won't be good enough of a father.

However, when Felix's first word is "'iluc!" as he stretches out his tiny arms towards him, he thinks that maybe, just maybe, he can do this right.

Scaramouche

He thought you were joking, so he laughed.

When you didn't laugh along with him and was met with your blank face, he understood you were serious.

He never even thought he'd be with anyone in a relationship before you came along, let alone have a child with anyone... So he's obviously very shocked and confused as to how to proceed.

After an awkward moment of staring at each other, he cleared his throat and crossed his arms, looking at you with an equally blank face. "So? What do you want me to do about it?" "H-huh?" "In the sense of- what do you want to do? Keep it or not." You huffed, and when he heard your determinated answer, he sighed and gave your head some soft pats. "Alright, alright, whatever you want, I guess."

Okay listen here- it's not like doesn't care but it isn't like he cares so much either...

This man would do anything for you, really, and that's what happens.

He does anything and everything for you, because he's worried about you and not necessarily about the baby you're carrying.

It's not like he hates children- because you can't hate anything you don't perceive as equal or superior to you and a baby ceirtainly isn't either for him-

It's more like he doesn't know what to do with them because he's never been around children enough to understand them.

He's overall very indifferent towards the child ngl.

Then he sees you cradling your baby -a girl- in your arms and his mind just... goes blank. Huh, so that's what a human looks like right after being born.

Your little daughter looks more like him than she looks like you, sorry. But he can clearly see on her face some factions that will look like yours as she grows up.

But...

"Now what?"

He'll help you look after her however he can, since he doesn't want you to be too tired because he never knows when he'll have to leave for weeks or even months without notice.

He's not entirely cold or indifferent towards her, even if sometimes he might resent her a bit for taking away some of your attention.

But like when you were choosing a name for her, he gave a few suggestions and in the end you choose one of the names he thought of!

Her name is Hikari, name meaning "light"!

Due to the nature of his job, he doesn't want to be seen around either of you at the moment in public. It would only put a target on your backs.

And it takes a long, long while for him to warm up to her.

It disheartens you a little, but when you see him looking down at Hikari's sleeping form on the crib, softly poking her cheek with a strangely child-like curiosity on his eyes, you feel at ease.

And he thinks that he can probably handle this parenting thing better than he ever expected. Maybe it's not that bad, after all.

Ceirtainly, he thinks, as he holds her in his arms one day after she spoke her first word to him, this parenting thing is not really that bad.

(Her first word was "papa!")

Be ready, because once he gets attached to your daughter he won't stop spoiling her!

Kazuha

"Are you sure, love?" "Yes, I'm sure. We're having a child!" A smile painted itself on his face as he leaned in to kiss your forehead. "I hope I can be a good father for them."

So the Kaedehara family is getting a new member, huh!

Not that there's much left to his name, especially now that he's a fugitive... but he's excited nonetheless!

Although he's not one to settle down for long, he will make an effort for both you and the child, since it's not good for someone who's pregnant to wander around.

He's very protective, but not in an overbearing way! He simply wants you to take it easy and relax, he can take care of everything else on his own!

That being said, he's not rich like Diluc or Scaramouche, so he's also going to work harder than ever to get everything you or the baby need in advance so that neither of you have to stress out!

He's the one who takes it better out of everyone here, he's not extremely worried or outright indifferent, he's simply worried enough, excited and happy!

He already knew you were the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, so the idea of having a child with you didn't scare him or intimidate him in the slightest!

He's still a bit worried, though.

He is a wanted fugitive in his homeland, after all...

He can only do so much and wish for the situation in Inazuma to change soon, so that he can take both you and his child to see the places he loved to spend his time at when he was a child.

But for now, he's happy enough simply holding his child on his arms, sitting next to you in your small shared home.

You have a girl too! She has Kazuha's hair color and your eye color, she's super adorable ><

He wants you to name her, and you both agree on naming her Izumi, meaning fountain or spring!

"Kaedehara Izumi... it has a nice ring to it." He'd say, smiling down at her.

While Kazuha enjoys travelling more than anything in this world, he's reticent to leave you and your daughter alone or even bring you along with him. So he stays around for as long as you need it.

He will talk a lot to her all the time, so don't be surprised when she picks up very complicated, flowery words from a young age!

He wants her to grow up to be free as the wind and be able to do whatever she wants without fear, so he wants to do his best to be a good father for her!

Xiao

You can practically see the panic on his face when you tell him the news.

It's the most scared you've ever seen him be, and you've been there to help him through his karmic debt.

So yeah, he takes it the worst out of everyone.

"I'm not mad." He manages to tell you before disappearing to somewhere else in a panicked haze, he needs to sort out his emotions quickly before he can properly talk to you about it. The last thing he saw before he disappeared was your eyes, glinting with sadness. And that only made him feel worse if that was even possible.

It takes him the whole day to come to terms with his feelings on your pregnancy and finally face you again.

He's really, really afraid of hurting you and your child. Not to mention he fears he might've passed some kind of curse from his karma to either of you through the pregnancy :(

Like he said, he isn't mad. He's just scared.

He... he literally never, never thought he would get to be a father.

Family was a foreign concept to him, as were a lot of other things you've slowly helped him understand throughout your time together, so knowing he can have one of his own now... makes him happy, and scared, at the same ime.

He's worse than Diluc when it comes to protecting you and worrying about you.

He won't let you do anything alone, even if he doesn't want to be near you because he doesn't want the karma to harm you or your child in such a vulnerable moment of your lives.

Okay so that aside-

How do people care for babies?

What is he exactly supposed to do?

And- do half-adepti babies need any sort of special treatment in comparison to human babies?

He has no idea on what to do if it doesn't involve a physical fight with a tangible foe, so he goes asking for advice to everyone he knows that could have knowledge on that field.

Verr Goldet and Ganyu are a great help for him. Xiao listens with attention to everything they have to say and asks everything he doesn't understand.

Ganyu tells him about her own experience growing up as half-human so that he can understand what raising a half-human, half-illuminated beast baby might entail.

He also goes to Zhongli for advice and he gets more of the same advice he's already heard, along with many, many reassurances that sound like everything you already tell him every day.

He's very worried, but as the months go by and your child's birth comes closer, he can't help but feel a little excited about it.

Everyone who knows him is happy to see him openly happy for a change on those small moments when he gets excited about his new family with you.

When your child is born, Xiao doesn't want to hold him. It took too much willpower to stay as close as he was right now, standing next to your bed as you held your baby in your arms.

He was so adorable, so small, so fragile, so pure- Xiao was afraid of touching him and breaking or tainting him--

He was already crying, he'd started crying the moment he saw you holding your son for the first time.

He feels so... strange. He's crying, but this isn't a painful, or sad feeling. He feels... happy, but scared, but...

The feeling starts to make some sense to him when he finally convinces himself that it's okay for him to hold the little boy in his arms, when he stares with awe at his face.

The baby looks a lot like the both of you. Arguably, more like him, since he has the same hair and the same bright eyes, but in his face all he can see is you.

And he cries more.

You both named him Liàng, name meaning brilliant!

Xiao does his best to try and get used to parenting, and it gets hard at times.

But he tries, and that's all that matters. He tries to be a good father, and is always there to protect both you and your son from anything trying to harm you.

Even though he was so scared at first, you know he loves the new family you've formed together.

Especially when you catch him trying to hold a conversation with your son, sitting down on the bed next to him as he toys with a soft teddy bear, the two of them surrounded by pillows.

The soft look and smile he wears while he does so tells you that everything is going to be alright.

The three of you are going to be alright, and Xiao wants to make sure of it.

His son will never have to live what he lived or see what he saw. He will make sure of that, no matter what.

[grippingbeskar]

The Element of Surprise | Chapter Seventeen

Part Seventeen: The Force

mando x fem!reader

word count: 7.9k

warnings: canon typical violence, description of injuries, mentions of blood

a/n: WOW i cant believe ive stuck with something this long - i think I only have like two chapters left?? i wanna do an epilogue too so plus that but I think just two omg! thx for reading u beautiful people

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

You needed to change clothes.

When you scrambled out of the room you hardly got to spend 24 hours in, you didn’t even think of grabbing clothes. Your bag was sinking low on your back, straining your shoulders with the weight of whatever weapon you stuffed in there, though.

At least that was something.

Din left a strew of weapons around the Razor Crest, and you noticed how he stopped keeping his few personal items locked up the longer you spent around him. Now, he just dumps whatever he was carrying and knows it will be just as safe where he leaves it, because he trusts you. Your heart pulls at the mere thought of him.

You didn’t think that an emotional feeling could cause such a physical response, but you feel it everywhere - like you were being dragged underwater by it. You missed him - so much it made your mouth dry and your body cold. The only thing worse than the longing, though, was that you were worried about him. You know he can take care of himself, you’ve seen him in action enough to be sure, and he’s been doing this kind of thing alone for years before he ever met you - but it didn’t make the terrifying thoughts in your brain any less real, and did nothing to soothe the pit in your gut when you imagined who was after him. It was physically exhausting - trying to keep yourself somewhat composed enough to take care of the kid while simultaneously look for any sign your bounty hunter was still alive.

Your first thought was to make your way back to the ship - but after checking with the same mechanic you left it with, it was clear Din hadn’t so much as passed by. The mechanic remembered you - and the speed in which he ran away as soon as you took your leave told you he would have remembered seeing the Mandalorian.

So - you gather your information.

The ship was still here, meaning there was a very large possibility he was still on the planet. It would take an army to tie him down, so your mind isn’t convinced he would have been taken off world. There was still a few days before all the repairs on the Razor Crest would be finished, and you gave the mechanic your best puppy dog eyes to convince him to work as fast as possible. But - there was still at the very least 48 hours.

Anything could happen in 48 hours.

Ships continue to zip past as if nothing has happened. The planet still beats down in heat with its risen sun, people open up there stalls next to you preparing for yet another day, but time had stopped for you. It was the first time in months that you remembered what it was like to be truely on your own. A little hand came out the top of your bag and whacked you on the head again.

“You do that again and i’ll cut off.” You grumble and hear him squeak.

Okay, that was mean.

“Hey. I’m sorry, okay. I’m just scared, and stressed. I know you are too.” You feel him - not his little hand but his energy reaching out to you like that first time under the tree. You can see flashes of things - lights, planets you don’t recognise, faces and voices that don’t match. Moments that you remember and some that you dont, and they all blend together. You have to take a few steps to the side and lean against a wall, your head starting to pound at the intensity of his Force slamming into your brain.

Grogu is showing you something. He’s trying to share something but it’s all fuzzy. You can’t tell if it’s him not being clear or you not being focused. It’s all coming so fast - so you zero in on one. It’s the one that seems the strongest, holds your attention the most as it flashes past.

It’s one of Din - of course it would be.

You see the image come into view, clearer now that you have something to focus on. You remember this, remember this moment that plays in front of you. The background comes first, busy city and hot air surrounding you. Nevarro. Home of the Guild, he called it. You know this is your memory because you remember how you felt here.

You were angry with Din. Angry because he’d left you alone in the ship for hours after he…

Shaking the thought away you keep searching the memory, trying to keep concentration through all of the power surging through you. That’s when see another body come into view. Your hand felt cold, because it was resting on the knee of beskar armour, and you were sitting in a cantina. It was strange to see yourself - know that you were there but watch as if you were a stranger. You were sitting next to Din, and there was someone opposite the two of you.

Greef Karga.

He slides you a drink, you know it’s him because you remember he mentioned your father that day. He knew him. You listen to the voice - you see Kargas mouth moving, the words slightly out of sync as he spoke.

“I thought you might recognise him.” The holo gram. You remember why you were there in the first place - Din was picking up new bounties. Karga slides the puck closer to you, and you see yourself lean in as he continues to speak.

“Part of the crew that are responsible for your father’s untimely demise. Take it if you want, don’t if you don’t, but I had a feeling you might be the type interested in a little revenge.” A small burn comes to your throat as you stare at the face in the holo gram. It’s a face you would never forget - the face that belonged to the body of the man that slaughtered your people like they were nothing more than farm animals. The face that killed your father, tore apart your life and your family - destroyed everything. Your mind starts to fracture and you lose the memory for a second - Grogu’s urgency splicing you.

“I can’t - slow down, kid.” You hear him squirming around, and the memory plays again, a little cleaner now. The words sync up with his movements, and you can’t help but look at Din as he sits next to you, obscuring your body from view. You didn’t notice at the time, but every so often he would stare at the hand that hung around the back of your chair and then look away, as if he was contemplating where he should put it. You blink a few times as the memory continues.

“Take it if you want” Karga says. Dins hand comes up and slides the puck into his pocket. He took it. You completely forgot that he took it. You were mad at him after, too. The emotion rushes back and you stumble a little, leaning harder on the wall as it hits you all at once. You thought he didn’t trust you enough to take it on yourself. You argued with him, and then he told you why he refused to let you follow it. Why he wouldn’t follow it. You hear his voice in your head and you physically sink down the wall at the sound of it.

“Why give this to me now?” Memory-Din snaps your focus back in as he speaks to you. He knew Karga better than you, better than probably most because he was so damn observant, so he knew it wasn’t out of the kindness of his heart that Karga gave this tracking fob over, and that he made it a point to do it in front of you. “Something else at play.” His voice begins to fade out and you try your hardest to focus, to reel it back in, but soon your vision returns and the memories are gone, so too is the comfort of his voice. You stare at the opposite wall - it was almost the colour of beskar.

“Holy shit. That’s where he’s going?” Finally your mind comes back to you and you suck in a breath. Grogu just whacks you on the head again, as if he was trying to push you forward. You shake your head in disbelief. You don’t really know what to think right now. Most of you is happy - ecstatic even. You have direction, you know the kind of person chasing him. At least it’s not the empire.

But you couldn’t help the low burning in your stomach. You were a little angry. Not really - he was missing and there was nothing more important than finding him. But he made you feel like an idiot for even thinking about going after that bounty. He called it a trap, and now he had put himself in harms way on purpose.

For what reason - you had no idea. You would deal with that later, because there would be a later. You would have all the time in the world to argue with him and be mad at him, so long as you had him with you. The anger soon chips away, worry gnawing in your chest and Grogu whacks you on the head again.

“Okay! Okay, I get it. You have any more smart ideas about where I should try first?” You open your mind and instantly - as if the Force was just waiting for you to reach out, you know where you should go. You turned left, the beating sun interrupted as you walked by the flashes of ships that zipped past. You tried to clear your mind as best you could, but as you focused on your goal, it was impossible to get Din out of your head.

You’ve seen these guys take down entire groups of trained Jedi. Hell - they probably killed your father. He was strong in the Force, and a skilled fighter - so was everyone on your home planet, and they were slaughtered all the same.

Your mouth went dry again as you started to sweat. You turned right, and prayed to anyone listening that they would lead you to him.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Maker, you missed him.

Just walking down these streets again, you remember when you arrived just a day ago. How easily time passed - too fast - just talking about nothing. You were really trying to focus on what you were doing - but you were so in your head that it was almost impossible to do anything but drown in your own stupid thoughts.

It’s been a few hours since you last tried the comm link, and you haven’t said a word out loud since - too absorbed in your own mind. Grogu has fallen asleep in your bag, and your glad he doesn’t have to be awake for this walk - you knew you probably weren’t that great company right now. You can’t help but imagine what would have happened to him if you hadn’t told Din to bring him in the room, if he hadn’t been sleeping right next to your head. Even if you had woken up a second later. The blaster in your bag feels a little heavier now you know you’d have to use it if they caught up to you again.

Eventually, the people bustling around you start to thin out, not because it gets later but because you start to reach the outskirts of the city. The buildings are far shorter and fewer between, less ships have been whizzing past as you walk further out. You only notice because of how hot it starts to get and you miss the occasional breeze of a speeder as they fly past. Tatooine is hot, but you had never maintained a connection to the Force this long on that planet, and it was taking its toll. It took focus and a lot of your energy to consistently find the right path, so at the first sign of a semi-safe spot out of the sun, you collapse on the side of the road.

There was a cutoff just past the end of the street, and a few crates stacked up sheltered you from any peering eyes. You also take note of the fence, and how it was small enough for you to get over but tall enough to buy you some time if you have to make an exit. This was the shit you had to think about back on Tatooine when you first arrived, before you found a little place. You slept on the streets for about three months, so it’s not the familiarity of the cool concrete beneath you that sends a slow shiver down your spine.

You had thought you’d never be out here again.

Since you met Din, you had dared to dream that these days might be behind you. He made you feel safe. Protected - like, how even though you knew you could, you wouldn’t have to fend for yourself any more. You would protect each other. You even missed how people slid out of your way when you were with him, the hustling city sending people flying into your shoulders and nearly knocking you down every few feet. You forgot what it was like to feel invisible, and you don’t like the taste.

The bag slides to your side and Grogu’s sleepy head pops out. Seeing his giant bug eyes makes you smile a little, feeling you back in.

“Hey, buddy. You doin’ okay in there?” He gurgles a sound and you think it means he’s happy, but doesn’t smile. You know he must be missing Din too. They’d spent a long time together before you. He jumps out of the bag into your lap. You were pretty tired - all that flying around in the ship has done nothing for your stamina. Maybe if you just rested here for a second….

It’s almost as if he knew. As soon as you closed your eyes, the comm link crackled static. Like it was turning on.

You move so fast Grogu screeches in your lap. The comm link was still in your ear - you were scared you would miss something if you put it down for even a second.

“Hello?!” You shout and whack at the side of your head. You lower your voice to say his name a couple times, and sink into the silence that follows. Nothing comes back, and you say more words, any words you can think of to fill it. He has to be there.

Waiting. Still static.

“Din?” you whisper, voice shaking.

Suddenly-

“Ge- outsi- ty. Co-“ That voice. His voice. How-

“Din! Shit - Din! Where are you?!” More static. A few blaster shots, you know what they sound like through the comms. Then -

“Get out of- city. I’ll find you.” A full clear sentence, only interspersed by what you can only describe as chaos crackling down the comms. You don’t have any time to question it.

“I am! Din, just tell me where you are! Please!” Grogu was wildly buzzing around on the floor, clearly hearing the same voice.

“I’ll find you.” The static comes back and then the line goes dead.

“Din! Hey!” You take the comm out of your ear for the first time in hours and try to turn the camera on. You don’t see the green light like last time, and no more static has buzzed.

He’s gone again.

“Din!” You said a little half hearted.

It was pointless. Maker, he could be anywhere on this planet being shot at and your sitting in some dumb alley feeling sorry for yourself. You put the comm back in your ear and bite your lip to try and not cry. You are so focused you nearly miss it.

“-always find you, cyar’ika.” His voice crackles through the static one final time before cutting off for good. Your heart swells. It’s been less than a day and you nearly forgot what that word sounded like coming from him. Even muffled, with a heaving breath in between it made you warm all over. You knew what it meant now - sweetheart. He knew exactly what you needed from miles and miles away and -

Oh god, you needed to move. Like, now.

“Come on, kid. Let’s get the fuck out of here.” You scoop him back up into your bag and swing it over your shoulder. You pull the blaster out before, though, and attach it to your hip.

Just in case.

You were tired as shit and your legs hurt, but he needed you, and hell if you weren’t going to get to him.

You let yourself focus. Stepping out onto the street, your eyes fluttered shut as the Force buzzed all around you. You needed calm, your emotions were through the roof right now. The only person who even seemed to allow you that peace, though, was Din

So you drilled into that. Him - his voice, the words he whispered in your ear he thought you were asleep. Helmet off and body warm behind you in a makeshift bed. The way he feels - his skin, every scar and where they were and how they feel under your hand. How he reacts when your lips drag over each part of him, the sounds he makes. You see him in your mind - and he’s helping. Guiding. Just like before you jumped out the window. Like he has all along. You turn right out of your little alley. You feel Dins hand, how surprisingly soft it was against your cheek that first time he touched you. How it lit a line of fire across your face, how he left your breathless from that one touch.

You turn left, catching yourself off guard. You were doing this. For him. For yourself.

You keep walking.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Eye spy with my little eye, something beginning with ‘S’.” Grogu squeaks out a little sound in answer, and you sigh in defeat. “Yup. Sand again. You are just too good at this.” He slinks back into the bag, shuffling around to get comfortable.

Lucky guess, considering all you’ve been able to see for the past few hours is god damn sand. Ever since the city disappeared into the horizon behind you, it’s gotten significantly darker, and you could only just make out the lights of ships passing the taller buildings as they sped home. You had been following your senses as best you could, sometimes just closing your eyes and letting your mind lead you completely, but doing it for this long was exhausting.

He told you to get out of the city - but you had no idea how far that was, nor did you have any idea where to go from here. Exactly - here. As in right where you were standing in this moment. It’s like your mind just went blank.

No matter how hard you tried, there was not even another hint of where to move from this exact spot. You were in the middle of the plains outside of the city. The only evidence of life was the glowing city in the distance.

You were so far from everything - why would your mind lead you here?

Doubt began to wash over you - how could it not?

You were walking around half blind on a foreign planet, under a shit tonne of stress trying to follow the vaguest of instructions that has now led you to the middle of nowhere. You spun around in your spot, waking Grogu with your movement, who finally popped his head out. His head spun around in excitement.

“Be my guest.” You mumble in defeat as he begins to wriggle around. You swing the back pack off your shoulders and gently place it on the ground in front of you. Grogu jumps out and begins to wander around aimlessly in front of you, and you slump onto the ground in exhaustion.

Everything hurt. Your head was pounding from how hard you had to concentrate all day - trying to follow your own intuition was something that did not come naturally to you, years of suppressing your abilities have clearly made it hard to maintain. That paired with the overwhelming power of Grogu’s intensity earlier, you didn’t care how dirty the ground was, you could sleep right here if you weren’t so god damn terrified for Din.

As soon as you think of him, Grogu squeaks. You turn your head and struggle to see him at first in the dimming light. He’s gotten further away than you thought, your mind starting to faulter in your exhaustion, so you grab your bag and hurry over to him, adjusting the blaster on your hip. As you go to move, you nearly stumble over, feeling light headed.

No - just a little longer.

He’s waddling around in a circle, kicking at the sand as if he’s found something you don’t see.

“Sand, bud. Plenty of it.” You kick at the pile next to your foot, and the scrape of your boots against something hard makes you stop. Dropping to your knees you can feel the difference underneath you. Oh.

It’s metal. Like the floor of the Razor Crest. Hard and unnatural in the terrain.

Swiping at the dirt and sand, more and more metal is revealed under the dying light. You would have missed it completely if it wasn’t for the kid - you expose as much of it as you can from your spot. After a while, hinges and ridges are slowly revealed.

Silver reflects back at you, and you twist your body on the spot to fully examine the space. Not big enough for more than two people to fit side by side. -

Its a trap door.

Or maybe just a door. More like a hatch. There’s a handle, so you pull it.

It’s locked.

Of course it’s locked.

“You are so smart, kid. Think you can pull this open for us?” Grogu had ten times the strength you did, so if anyone was going to be able to open this door, it was him - and you would help. As much as your exhausted brain could.

It took all of your concentration as Grogu waddled over next you to even focus on the surface. You ran your hands over the hinges - reinforced metal. You shuffle back, knees aching as you slide off the centre of the hatch. You and Grogu used your combined strength, beginning to pull the trap door upwards.

You tried to focus - calm your breathing. You thought of Din, how he needed you now, needed you to focus and just push a little bit longer even though your head was throbbing and every muscle in your body was screaming at you to stop. You were starting to shake. You knew you were pushing yourself further than you should - but you needed this. Needed to find where he was and if you just looked a little harder for a little longer you could -

“I’ve been looking for you, girl.”

Your eyes shot open at the feeling of the end of a blaster being pressed into the flesh of your neck.

Fuck.

You were so concentrated on the hatch. On finding your way. You were followed - and you didn’t even realise.

The blaster pressed harder to the back of your neck. Your own pressed into your thigh. The kid waddled in front of you and one hand shot out to bring him closer to you. The other inched a little closer to the blaster. Just an inch -

“One more move and you lose your head.” You felt him step closer. Everything was on high alert. You suddenly felt strong.

No pain.

Adrenaline. Powerful shit.

You could hear your own heartbeat. Grogu’s heartbeat. Both were fast.

Unlike whoever was behind you.

He was deadly calm.

You heard the click of the gun. You closed your eyes.

He wouldn’t shoot. You don’t know why you knew - but he wouldn’t shoot. The gun will not go off, and he wouldn’t pull the trigger. That’s why he was so calm. He knew he was just here to intimidate, which meant he probably had back up somewhere. Your eyes flicked to the side and Grogu squeaked in your arm as you saw a quick flash of metal. Another man appeared to your right, then another to your left. The one on the left had his gun raised, and his heart rate was elevated slightly. If anyone was going to shoot, it would be this guy.

“Toss the gun.” You don’t move - just monitor. Trying to gauge how much you can get away with right now. If it was just you, you probably would have made a move already. It was dark so you had cover, and you knew with all this adrenaline you could run far enough into the outskirts - but the kid. You couldn’t trust yourself to keep him safe as well. You were outnumbered and weighed down. “Toss the gun, or my friend isn’t gonna be so nice to your little womp rat here.”

The guy on the left clicked his gun. He would shoot if you didn’t do what he said. The gun on your neck was still pressing painfully tight. You toss your gun just out of reach.

“There’s a good girl. Just like your daddy.” Your eyes goes wide and you don’t hold back as you whirl around - but it’s too late.

The butt of the gun whacks you straight in the face as you spin, and the world goes black.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

You suck in a huge breath.

It felt like someone was standing on your chest. When you sucked in more oxygen a sharp pain shot up your right side. He kicked you - you think.

The butt of the gun knocked you out cold, but you had moments of clarity; throwing your body around in desperation. You hoped you at least got a few good hits in - they certainly did.

You could feel the dried blood across your brow, and your ribs had to at least be seriously bruised. Your knuckles were sore, and the ropes around your wrists were burning against your skin. You sucked in another breath, spluttering against the pain as you let it out, trying to collect yourself.

You were tied to some kind of metal ring on a concrete wall. The entire room was a dark grey, and there was a toilet in the corner that looked like it hadn’t been touched in this lifetime. Apart from the gated door, small slates only just allowing light into the room from the hallway, the room was bare.

Bare.

The kid - Fuck!

You suddenly remembered where you were - what was happening. Instantly you were thrashing against the rope - desperation fuelling your movements. How long had you been out? Maker - if they had the kid -

You knew what they did to Jedi.

Oh god - you were going to be sick. Maybe if you could just focus. Calm your mind.

You can find him.

You were still pulling at the ropes, but you let your eyes close, squeezing them tightly together to block out the room. You tried to channel that energy that led you to the hatch in the desert.

Grogu - you called in your mind. You had no idea if this would work. You didn’t have any hope of reaching someone without the Force, but Grogu was strong. Maybe if you stuck your hand out he could do the rest. Hell, you trained him. You knew he could.

Grogu - you could hear footsteps approaching from the hallway. Boots on pavement. You knew the sound. They were - troopers? It sounded like heavy armour, similar to beskar but not quite. These guys weren’t empire though, where they?

Grogu! Your mind flashes white, and you pull against the rope in surprise when you here him. A squeak followed by him saying your name. He was safe. You don’t know how you knew it because he didn’t say anything except your name, but you knew he was safe. He was calm - hidden somewhere. Thank the Maker he got away. Was he down here somewhere? Had he found Din? There has to be a way to get out of these stupid ropes.

You tug against them again and hiss in pain as you feel the rope rip your skin, blood seeping down your wrist.

The door swings open, bright lights flashing over your eyes.

It takes you a second to see the figures clearly. But when your eyes adjust, you would know them anywhere.

Stormtroopers.

Stark white armour, the two troopers already have guns drawn. One steps forward and presses the hilt into your stomach and you wince, face screwing up. You swear the second trooper flinches as he turns to shut the door, locking you in with the both of them.

“No tricks, Jedi. Your surrounded.” The troopers low drawl makes your eyes open again. Your hand slips a little in the rope, and you think now it’s cut into your skin the blood around your wrist has made it easier to slip out. You need to be subtle. The second trooper stays back a little - lurking in the darker corner like he’s waiting for something, and you think you would rather he just punch you in the face. It would be less intimidating.

You need to buy yourself some time.

“Surrounded? What, by you two?” You scoff and twitch your body, trying to move the gun off the bruised side of your ribs. With the movement your hand slips a little further out.

“There’s more where we come from, kid. If I don’t bring you up, someone else will. Or they will just shoot you where you stand. Maybe I will.” He presses harder. Why hasn’t he made a move to untie you?

“You couldn’t make the shot with your gun taped to my head.” You hear the second trooper cough a little, and the one in front of you punches you square in the face. Your eyebrow begins to bleed again and everything goes a little fuzzy.

“I’ll teach you to disrespect the em-“ The trooper is cut off by a single shot.

To his head.

The blaster from the second trooper is still aimed and smoking, and your vision focuses enough to watch him place another perfect shot in the exact same place through his skull after he fell to the floor, confirming his kill.

Your hands slip from the rope and you move.

You catch him off guard, slamming your shoulder into his stomach. The air is sucked out of him as he crumpled to the ground, and you drop on top of him in the same second.

The blaster from the first trooper lays discarded on the ground, and you use your last remain strength to Force-pull it into your hand, aiming it right between the eyes in his helmet.

You can feel his deep breathing as you sit on his chest, his hands coming palm up beside his head in surrender as your knees keep his biceps pinned to the ground.

Two hands hold the gun to his head, and your half tempted to rip the helmet off him and press it into his skull - just to make sure. Your hands shake slightly but you have enough strength to hold him down. He doesn’t say anything, though. Just sits there with his hands up - staring silently as you both catch your breath.

“The door. You’re gonna open it.” Your head tilts towards the locked exit, and the light streams perfectly over his helmet so you can see him tilt his head to the side - almost like he’s confused.

“The door.”

He lets out a strong breath and you rise up a little higher.

Was he-

laughing at you?

No. He only did it the once. Maybe he’s winded - you did hit him with everything you had.

You click the blaster into place. His head straightens. You don’t know what this guys deal is. He just killed his partner and now he’s sitting underneath you - saying nothing to justify his actions nor save himself. It’s almost as if -

“So demanding, cyar’ika.“

You nearly melt into the floor when you hear his voice. All the air leaves you and you can’t say anything. Dumbfounded. Confused. Was he-

“I told you I would find you.”

“Holy f-fuck. Din.” You flop onto him, discarding the blaster next to your bodies as he sits up and curls your body against him. Relief is the only thing you can feel as he holds you tight - so tight your ribs ache but you don’t fucking care because he was right here. You found him - he found you. It doesn’t matter because he’s here and you almost shot him for a third time - “You fucking asshole.”

It’s halfhearted at best, the insult coming out in a broken voice as he buries the stormtrooper helmet into your neck. The armour feels foreign against your skin but you grasp at any part of it to have him closer.

He was here.

You don’t know how long you sit there, your legs wrapped around his back pressing your entire front against him. His arms twist so far around you they almost meet twice, and he doesn’t move his face from your neck as you feel him breathing hard - harder than normal.

You pull back, staring into the white trooper mask and holding it with your hands.

“Are you hurt? Is everything - Grogu? We need to find him I-“

“He’s okay.” His voice cracks. The voice isn’t as modulated through the trooper mask - it sounds a little more mechanical, but you would know it anywhere. You just nod at him and press your forehead to the mask.

“Are you okay?” You whisper, not wanting to crack this moment.

“I am now.” You can’t help it - you grin at him and try to get him closer to you, pull the helmet closer. It doesn’t look like him but it’s him. There’s less protection around his neck so when your hands link behind him, you can feel every muscle relax under your touch.

“Din - I was so scared. I thought you - they came. To the house when you left. I had to run.” He nods and his own hands mimic yours, gloves cupping your cheeks and pulling your face impossibly closer. If he wasn’t wearing the helmet you would be kissing him.

“I know, baby. I - the guy who put us up. He sold you out. Apparently these guys have been paying some people in high volume places to keep an eye out for potential hits.” Fucking asshole. He swallows, and tries to continue. “I never should have left - this whole thing is my fault. I put you in danger, the kid as well I-“

“No. Din, please. This is not your fault. Let’s do this later. You’re here. I’m here. Kids here, somewhere. That’s all we need.” As much as you want to know what the hell is going on here - you need to go. The dead trooper wasn’t wrong when he said others were coming. You could hear another pair of footsteps descending stairs in the distance.

Din doesn’t let go of your face for a second.

“I will never put you in danger again. I - the - I love you. You are too - I’m sorry.”

“I love you. Do this later.” You mumble into his helmet and he scoops you up, legs finally unfolding to stand on your own.

“Your arms.” You are still so close that he doesn’t have to reach out to examine the damage. Your wrists were raw and there were some tracks of blood running down. They hurt, for sure, but nothing serious. It wasn’t until you took a step that you realised how bad your ribs were hurting. “Don’t move.”

His hands - so gentle in comparison to what they just did, lift up your shirt. You look down and see the dark purple bruise coming up most of your side. Both of you wince at the sight in unison, and you are the one that has to push your shirt down, because Din hasnt taken his eyes of the evidence, only moving when your hands link with his.

A feather light touch on your forehead causes you to flinch on instinct, but only for a second before you lean into Dins hand, not caring if it hurts. You want to feel him - to know he’s still there. It doesn’t feel real, for him to just be here.

But he always said he would find you.

“I have an idea, cyar’ika. You just have to stay very still.” He whispers into your ear, and it sends a shiver down your spine. Even here, he overtakes every rational thought. You just nod, exhaustion overwhelming you as he scoops you into his arms. “This doesn’t hurt?”

Shaking your head, you can feel the vibration of his words through his chest, the trooper armour significantly thinner as he lifts you into his arms, legs dangling in the air. It feels so good to be off your feet - finally - the aches in your legs almost disappear for a second. The door unlocks and you feel yourself change directions, and suddenly it gets light behind your closed eyes. Only one of Dins arms supports your weight under your upper thighs, the other free to execute his plan, whatever that is.

You hear the footsteps coming closer and your instinct tells you to run - or fight, but you just stay very still, trusting Din to lead the way. Your head rested against his chest and you could hear his heart beat. Proof he was alive and there.

“You should of seen him. Bane went ballistic when they said he couldn’t have it. Shot up the whole cantina.” A trooper speaks from the end of the corridor, and you feel Din turn to the left. “Hey! What are you doing?”

He freezes for a second, and then turns.

“Captains orders. She’s to be brought to the front.” Din repeats, his voice perfectly calm and monotone - just like a stormtrooper. It made you shiver a little.

“This is her?” You feel the figure step closer to you and you resist the urge to hold your breath. You were faking being passed out, not dead. Din must nod his head, because the trooper just scoffs. “Put up more of a fight on the way in. Doesn’t look like much now.”

Don’t react. Don’t react. You feel the energy radiating around you, and the light above you goes out.

“Uh - we have to - keep moving, trooper.”

“Yep. Move along.” Both troopers begin to rush past you, chasing the lights that haven’t gone out above them. Lucky that your head is buried into Dins neck or they would probably see your smile. You know Din can tell it was you.

“Nice touch.” You exhale once, but even the small movement and expel of your energy has your heart rate slowing. “Rest, cyar’ika. I’ll get you out of here.”

You do. You close your eyes and forget everything except Dins arm wrapped around you. How he’s holding you so tightly - like he’s forgotten how to do it and he needs to learn the shape of you by moulding it to him. You take every second of it, and pretty soon you think you fall asleep.

That is, until, you start to move. Fast. Wind starts to whip past your ear and everything around you is blurry when your eyes tear open.

“D-“ You go to say his name, but you see troopers. 

Lots of them. 

“What’s happening?”

“Kids through here. I need you to grab him and move. There will be a door on the left, go through it. I’ll- i’ll come to you.” He puts you down in a small corridor, and suddenly there’s a small door in front of you. He takes a step back and you grab his arm.

“No. We stay together.” Boots come up the stairs. You don’t know what happened but there’s red flashes lighting up your current hiding place. Alarms blaring. That must be what woke you.

“We - No, you have to go.”

“I’m not leaving you alone. There’s too many of them.” There must be dozens of them. They are getting closer, monotone shouts of orders echo at the end of the hallway.

“You have to go.” You just shake your head.

You just got him back. There wasn’t a chance in hell you were leaving him here. He takes a step back and you match it forward.

“I’m not leaving.”

“You are hurt. The kid needs you. I - I need you to be safe. I’ve done enough.” His voice cracks again. Sure, you get the need to protect you, he’s been doing that ever since you met him, but he’s going to get himself killed.

“You aren’t alone. We can do this together, okay?” He doesn’t say anything. Instead, you see the helmet look up a little to the door behind you. “Let us help you. Don’t leave - don’t leave me again.”

Maybe that was harsh - when you got a chance you know he would explain all this. Whatever it was, but it still did the trick. He looks back down at you, and even though he’s a little harder to read in this new helmet, you know he’s listening.

“Where’s your armour?” His head flicks towards the door and you pull him inside, shutting it behind you. You hear the troopers turn towards the sound. It won’t hold them long. “Where’s the kid?”

Instantly a little squeak comes from the corner, and Grogu waddles out, dragging something behind him. Your bag.

“You little genius.” You kneel down and you know you don’t have time but god - you were more worried that you realised. Here he was, both of them. 

Safe.

The door bangs with the force of troopers slamming into it. You unzip your bag. The blaster you had in your hip is gone, and they’ve taken your other weapon. Din had half his armour on in seconds, and when he turned to face you, beskar helmet back on his head. You look down at your empty hands - you have nothing to fight with except you. Grogu quickly waddles over to Din and squeals in excitement. You would have to be enough. 

This whole time it felt like he was protecting you - from what, you weren’t sure. Maybe that’s why he left you in that house, he thought he was protecting you from all this. But the truth is that you’ve been in danger the minute you chose to run all those years ago, leave you life behind, and it was only a matter of time before it caught up with you.

Whether Din was chasing this bounty for you or not, you were on this planet and they would never stop coming - you would never stop endangering the only two people you loved if you didn’t end this here. It couldn’t follow you any longer. Grogu’s little hand grabs onto your ankle, and he looks up at you. He would never be safe with you.

Not unless you did this. Now.

You were tired. Your rib cage was bruised to hell and your entire body was sore, but you felt it all around you. The energy - a life force in every part of this place. You recognised it - welcomed it as a friend instead of using it as a weapon, moulding it into something it was meant for, and it felt familiar. Safe. Warm. It was meant to protect and defend. To balance. You looked at Din, and he replaced his gloves and started attaching the copious amounts of weapons to his armour. 

He had enough enemies, you wouldn’t drag your own onto his door step.

You were tired - but right now you never felt more alive. 

Powerful.

The door flung open, and three stormtroopers burst into the room at the same time. Weapons drawn, they were firing the moment they stepped through the archway.

You braced for impact, Din’s weapons drawn faster than you could comprehend.

Except nothing came.

You didn’t realised you had your eyes closed. The click of blasters filled the room, but no shots were fired. Your eyes opened.

Red blaster shots. They were there, of course they were. Troopers were trained to kill on sight. Surely there shots were not this off target - you had heard stories…

No, the shots were on target. You knew because there was a small, red flame hanging just above your eye level. A shot that would have been a direct hit on Dins armour had you not stopped it.

You..

Stopped it.

In mid air.

All of them, actually. Every single shot fired was floating in the air, even Din’s. You could feel them. Count them in the order they were let off. Grogu was still wrapped around your ankle, you could feel his Force low and strong on the floor under you. Waiting. It wasn’t him, this was all you.

Your father would be proud.

Din says your name, and you don’t turn, afraid you’ll drop your focus. Somehow though, knowing how close he is to you, that he’s right there with you makes you feel sure that you won’t drop. Won’t lose focus. It’s almost… easy.

You turn the shots and send them in reverse, dropping the three storm troopers before you can blink.

You don’t know what to say. Clearly Din doesn’t either, because he just moves in front of you and stares. 

“You aren’t leaving me again.”

“I’m not leaving you.” Din says lowly, and swallows before he nods and leans out the doorway. “Seventeen of them. You think - think you can do it, that, again?”

You nod once; confident.

“If I could kiss you right now, I would.” You have to smile at that - the thought of him under that helmet. “Just so you know.”

You scoop up the kid in one hand, and it’s with that movement you realise it doesn’t hurt to move. Your ribs… they were fine. You felt fantastic - better than normal, actually. Grogu clung to your side, head dropping like he did when he was about to fall asleep. Though he only looked this tired after a training session. Had he…

“He healed me.” Din moves closer and lifts up your shirt, though he could have just looked at your now healed wrists. It sent goosebumps up your skin when his gloved finger traced a line along the now healed area. Completely healed, no bruising, nothing. No wonder you felt incredible. You brought him up to your face and hugged him closer. “You are so good. So good, little bug. I’m gonna get you all the lizards you can eat I swear.”

Grogu giggles in your arms and climbs over your shoulder into the pack you put on your back. Dins hand comes up to touch your face, drag a line across your cheek bone.

Just like the first time.

You both step out, seeing the troopers reinforcements, and this time you stand in front of him.

—————————

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[dreamrecorder]

Family in the Inn

Wherein Verr adopts Xiao and how he got you as a sibling.

The idea was from here ksks---- also this is quite long | Part hc part trad, Im not even sure anymore hahaha it’s just- siblings are a wholesome concept and there are so much things to add i dont know what to do haha Enjoy~

After a night full of battles against the demons lurking Liyue, Xiao struggled to keep the corruption in him at bay. He was losing his mind in pain as the screams continue to persist both in volume and their harsh words. He needed to get away from here. From the bodies that was slain by his very hands. He wanted to go away to somewhere safe.

It was an unconscious thought- out of nowhere, Xiao just teleported himself into whatever place he thought was safe and crash landed into familiar wooden floorboards.

The crash was loud- enough for visitors of the inn to rouse awake. Luckily, Verr and Huai'an were quick to reassure them that they are safe.

Verr Goldet was first to arrive in their balcony and what she saw tore her heart.

As if a mother to a child, she quickly rushed to the adeptus whose body writhed to himself while shaking violently. Verr didn't care about the malicious energy emanating from Xiao- she just went to his side and cradled what she can of him.

Normally, Xiao would instantly get away from any form of touch, but he was too weak and too tired- so he let her be.

Verr began singing lullabies as she wiped his tears away, hoping to ease his pain even just for tonight.

The lullabies- they were soothing. Moments passed, his shaking lessened along with the dark mist covering his body. Xiao merely focused on Verr's lullabies- clinging to the innocent words the lullabies carry as if hoping that they would take all his pain away.

And they really did- the way the she cradled him was very reminiscent of how a mother cradled a child. She didn't care if her clothes were now damp from his tears. She kept singing until finally, Xiao finally slept with a genuine peace gracing his face.

And that is how Xiao finds himself seeing Verr as a mother and how Verr finds Xiao as a son. Always know that this inn will be your home with someone who cares for you.

~~~

The following day came and Xiao finds himself in his room, waking up to the sunlight filtering from the window. By the bedside, the innkeeper sleeps with arms crossed. As if waiting for him to wake up. Even if he sees Verr now in a new light, Xiao still decides that he does not want to be seen for now. But before leaving, he mutters a sincere thank you.

When they cross paths in the inn, there was no closure whatsoever about what happened to him that night. But before he leaves to protect Liyue again, Verr called him. "Xiao,"

The adeptus stopped in his tracks and faced her.

"Stay safe. If you get hurt don't hesitate to come home alright?"

Ah. The words of a mother to a child. But Xiao is no child and not certainly a child to a mortal- but still, Xiao finds him saying, "I'll be back."

This simple pattern went on for years. While they never called each other 'mother' or 'son' verbally, the relationship is there. Whenever Xiao leaves, Verr always reminds him to take care. And when he comes back, she never fails to greet him, "Welcome home!"

Xiao felt loved.

As small thanks, there are times Xiao would help in the inn aside from protecting his home from monsters and hoarders.

Like- helping Huai'an with heavy crates of materials and teaching Yanxiao Sweet Dreams (the inn got a boost from his recipe). He'll help as long as it doesn't involve interacting with other mortals aside from the inn staff.

Then the time came when Verr announced she was pregnant.

Xiao's initial reaction... was to leave. He didn't want the baby near him- no, scratch that. He didn't want to be near the baby or else it would catch his karmic energy if ever he loses control. The baby deserved a life free from any danger- free from him.

And Verr was having none of that!!!

She noticed the lessening appearances of the Yaksha within the inn ever since her announcement, so he waited for her son at the balcony.

"The evening cold will not do you well and the baby." He said as he materialized a few feet away from her.

Verr noticed his walls up again and her mother instincts told her that something's up. So with careful prying, she finally learned his reasons of him staying away. But with a gentle smile, she reassured him that he can never do wrong or harm to the baby

Carefully, she let out a small joke, "Who knows, I bet the baby will be even safer having a brother like you."

Oh how she doesn't know how her joke struck a chord in Xiao's heart. The adeptus vowed to protect you at all cost.

Throughout his mother's pregnancy, Xiao became very protective of her. And that also means being careful of himself whenever he fights in order to avoid his karma leaking out. There was this one time even, Verr convinced Xiao for him to hold her swollen belly and feel the baby. The moment he felt that small kick! His heart burst feelings he didn't think he would ever feel! Pure joy and love for another.

The day came when you finally entered the world with strong fits of cries- as if demanding to be brought back to the darkness you were familiar with in your mother's womb!!!

Despite accepting the fact he now has a little sibling, he doesn't show up to greet you to the world. Perhaps he was still in denial? That all of this was just some dream that he's desperate mind conjured up? But still his heart beckoned him to go to you.

With swift and silent movements, Xiao entered the sleeping couple's bedroom and there he saw that small bundle of you. The way his heart welled up in pure happiness. The mere sight of you just confirms that all this is real and not a dream.

Awkward, but careful and determined, Xiao lifted your small form to his arms and against his chest.

The way you instantly cuddled into him with hand accidentally tugging his hair just sent Xiao into a pure moment of peace.

~~~

During your infant years, Xiao would always spend his time with you during the night by sneaking into the couple’s bedroom and just simply holding you close. Verr, having noticed his nightly visits to you, have even prepared your bottles of milk in case you were hungry during his visits.

The first time you cried while he was holding you, surprisingly, Xiao did not panic. He knew you were hungry and he silently thanked himself for observing mortal mothers back then. He simply took the bottle Verr had prepared and gave it to you as he began singing the very same lullaby his mother had sang to him. That’s how soft Xiao is for you.

Although there are other times when the inn was very bustling with business to the point of having Verr and her husband’s hands tied. These are the times Xiao will then just grab you from your mother’s hold with no word and take you to the balcony. With a prepared bottle in hand at that. Verr would always smile at Xiao’s retreating back.

Innocence, it’s such a pure thing honestly. While playing with you, you somehow grabbed his mask. Xiao was about to take it, in fear you would cry at its hideous look. But you never cried or whimpered. You simply toyed with it by putting it on your face or by playing its horns. Perhaps even hideous things can still have a chance at love?

Your first word came while Xiao was holding you with Verr close by preparing your baby meal and it was gēgē. You kept babbling that word over and over while tugging at his hair so happily and Xiao can only hold you closer as his body shook in silent, happy tears. Verr taught you that word *wink*.

Come toddler years and boy did Xiao’s worry for you intensifies. You were an explorer! The moment you learned how to crawl, you were going to places here and there! You almost gave your brother a heart attack </3!! Especially that time when you were crawling up the stairs on you own!!! Your exploring habits only intensified when you learned how to walk~ To tone down your exploring tendencies- Xiao would take you for small walks where your tiny, little legs can take you. It was a cute sight, the two of you walking hand in hand. You were so small~

Childhood arrived and you became a big bundle of energy. Since you’re not old enough to help with the inn, you often bothered your brother to play with you or walk with you outside. Of course Xiao will always agree with a smile.

Glaze lillies only bloom during the night yes? But oh how Xiao was proven wrong when you approached a wild lily and it instantly bloomed under the sun in your presence. The joy that shone your eyes was so prominent, it was infectious. Because of that glaze lily, that is how the two of you got into your favorite past time, story telling with your brother. 

Also, imagine that sweet moment when you showed him your missing tooth and you both laughed off how you look ridiculous without it. 

His stories were mostly vague, but they never fail to amaze you. Stories about flying cranes, about majestic stags, how Liyue was created by the Geo Archon. But never about the Yaksha, that was a truth for another time.

The time finally came when you were about to visit Liyue for the first time. It was for a physical check-up with Dr. Baizhu, Verr said. Normally, you and your mother should have left the inn a day ago because of the distance but Xiao insisted that he teleport the three of you to Liyue. That was the first time you disagreed with your brother. “But I want to see the roads and places going there!” Ah, an adventurer at heart.

Xiao crouched down to your level and ruffled your hair saying, “Sure, we can take the carriages on the way home. That way you can see the beauty of Liyue.”

But there was another thing that grabbed your interest. “But, gege, teleport? Are you like the adepti you tell me in your stories? Like they use their magic to go around places to keep us safe?” Then a fantastical idea popped in your head as you eyes shone bright! “Gege, are you an adeptus?!”

Xiao inwardly panicked and he had no words for your excited question. He didn’t expect to have you discover the truth so soon. But lying can bring him nowhere. He took a small glance at his mother, who was smiling at him encouragingly. 

“Yes. I am one, but I will tell you more when you become older okay?” The first statement made you explode excitedly then the second statement made you pout. All in a milisecond. But at the back of your head, you listed this moment to your ‘adult stuff I want to know in the future.’

“Someday, I wanna be a cool adeptus like you!” You exclaimed proudly and Xiao smiled at your aspirations, but prayed with desperation to the Archons to never make that happen ever.

But this does not stop him from showing you his anemo vision. And now, your playtime involved use of his anemo <3

Your energy was basically uncontained when you step foot in the harbor and Xiao’s eyes were only at you. Despite having familial relationships, he still detests humans to a degree, so he glares at anyone suspicious walking on your merry way.

When you arrived Yujeng Terrace after the check-up, everyone was so surprised at how glaze lillies simply bloom at your presence, especially Madame Ping. But she was even more surprised when she saw you running to someone she hasn’t seen for so long. Seeing Xiao lift you up with a smile made Madame Ping’s worries for him ease down. Coming into eye contact, Xiao simply offered her a small bow. You noticed and saw the old lady he was bowing to. You were a respectful child, so even if you had no idea who the lady was, you also gave a small, shy bow to her way.

Since this was a one-day visit, you took your sweet time exploring the harbor with your mother and brother tailing you. You often would point things out that grabbed your interest. Sometimes, you would stop at the sight of a stray cat just for you to crouch down and pet it. You even found a black cat with gold eyes and a white diamond spot on its forehead. You excitedly lifted it to your arms and showed your brother, “It looks just like you, gege!”

On the first half of the travel back home, you marveled at the nature surrounding you. You never left the window side of the carriage you road. And then the latter half came, you were snuffed out like a candle with cat cozy in your arms and you cozy in Xiao’s arms, who was also asleep. Verr had etched this moment into her memory forever. 

A/N: Might add another part? I dont know i am indecisive hahahaha If i do add some, prolly more about how you met Venti and Zhongli and your visit to your mother’s home land, Mondtsadt-- 

[ushiwakaout]

Things I believe Iwaizumi Hajime (timeskip: age 27: athletic trainer) would say if you lived together (from the moment you wake up, to the moment you fall asleep).

game streamer! reader.

warnings: swearing

“baby... come on.” (x2)

“y/n stop being lazy come on. you already have the laziest job in the world, get up before i beat you ass in the gym.” starts dragging your legs out of bed so he can carry you although you’re naked.

“WHAT ARE YOU HITTING ME FOR! It’s not like I haven’t seen you naked, idiot.”

“Get in the shower, come on... No y/n i’m not gonna bathe you.” (7:00 am)

“I can’t believe you made me bathe you... Do you want me to use the blueberry body wash or the eucalyptus one?”

“Stop opening your eyes, you’re like a fucking baby.”

“You know i could just drown you here and now, right?”

“OI! DONT SPLASH ME WITH WATER, I ALREADYS SHOWERED!”

“You really are like a baby aren’t you, lazy piece of shit.... Yeah I love you too.”

“Come on, we’re doing yoga today since you’re being lazy.”

starts stretching you back, pushing you down to your thighs. “Are you getting beefy?”

“Ow! Baby, i don’t mean it as a bad thing. Look, give me you’re arm.... Now flex, look see- muscle!”

“.......that’s hot.” him admiring you’re little muscle improvement.

“I’m such a great trainer.”

“you’re ass looks great today btw.”

“come here give me a kiss, i don’t think i’ve kissed you this morning.”

“fuck you’re so pretty.”

“Now what? Do you want for breakfast before i fuck you.”

“Y/n i will fuck you here and now if you don’t stop touching me.”

“Fucking, fuck- fine come here.”

“Stop being a brat and get you’re ass over here.”

“No don’t wear those jeans, wear the other ones. They make you’re ass look good.”

“I have the day off today, what do you wanna do?” (9:30am)

“Come to the grocery store with me... I’ll buy you your favorite snack.”

“Walk in front of me for a bit, just do it y/n.”

“I think there was so creep checking you out, just keep walking close to me.”

“Don’t be a brat and hold my hand, now.”

*kisses your knuckles*

“your hands are so pretty.”

“Do we need anything else? No you don’t need that, y/n don’t look at me like that, you don’t need it.”

“oh, oikawas calling.... Hey shittykawa, what’s up?”

“Go ring this up for us will you?”

*watches you walk away to the register* “what’d you mean you’re surprised we’re still together? i literally asked you to help me pick out a wedding ring the other night, don’t be a jerk.”

“okay yeah, yeah, i’m planning on doing it soon.... don’t worry- yeah I gotta go she’s coming back, talk to you later.”

“How much was it?”

“Did you get any extra- Oh you know me so well, thank you.”

“you wanna go to the game shop and check out if they have anything new you wanna try?”

*follows you around while he looks down at his nails* “I need a manicure... No not right now, we’ll go next time i have a day off.”

“Did you find anything you like? Alright let’s go home.”

“They days really nice out, do you have to record anything?”

“Do you want ramen? I want ramen. Let’s go get ramen.”

“GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY RAMEN, you got your own woman.”

“No wait let me try yours and then you can try mine.”

“Oh yours is really good, give it here, we’ll trade.”

“I said put your damn wallet away woman, i’ll pay for it.” (12:00 pm)

“Oh hold on, they have a new manga edition of godzilla, let’s go find it.”

“What do you mean in to old to like godzilla.”

*pinches you nose* “you’re the one who likes being coddled like a baby.” *iwa pout*

*whisper yell* “Come we need to go i shoved a kid into a bookshelf for the last copy! Don’t laugh at me!”

*at home* “Leave alone now, i’m gonna read this now.”

*you’re streaming now* “Y/N I FINISHED, Can i get your attention now....” *realizes your live streaming* “I- whatever, ima gonna sit on the floor now.” (2:00 pm)

a/n: YOU CANNOT TELL ME IWAIZUMI WOULD NOT SIT ON YOUR SIDE LIKE A PUP AND JUST LAY HIS HEAD ON YOUR LEG

“What are you playing.”

“Can i join?”

“Who are you playing with?”

“Tell Kenma I said hi.”

“Give me your headset.”

“Kenma, hey- how’s kuroo.”

“Hey no, i was just talking to Kuroo give me the set back.” *pouty iwa*

*you tell him to sho* *he slaps the back of your head lightly* “Ima got to the store, i didn’t realize we didn’t have beer.”

*forehead kith* “do you want anything?”

“I’m back!” (4:00 pm)

“Sorry i took so long, I bumped into Matsukawa and Hanakami.” *both of them yelling from the living room* “And they decided to follow me home.”

“You done streaming now? Come here.” (7:00pm)

*Iwaizumi doesn’t really talk to you while he’s drinking with Matsukawa and Hanakami, he let’s you dose off on your lap bc he knowns that 5 hours of streaming tires you out pretty hard.*

*kisses your hair*

*plays with your fingers*

*runs his fingers along your skin*

*plays with your hair*

*matsukawa and hanakami leave*

“y/n, come on, let’s get you to bed.” (10:30pm)

“come on sleepyhead.”

“Come on get closer baby, i know you get cold.”

“I work early tomorrow so i’m sorry if i wake you.”

“Night sleepyhead.” (11:00pm)

[starglow-xx]

(About the brother!atsushi) aRE YOU READING MY MIND MISS?! Because that has been on my mind for MONTHS. TYSM For writing it was amazing!! If you don't mind, may I request (if requests are open) atsushi, still an older brother, but with a sister that's 10-13 yrs old? It's totally fine if you don't wanna do it. Keep up the good stories, ily mwuah!

*sobs* you’re so kind thank youu 🤧🤧

i wrote this a bit differently i hope that’s okay anon! at first i planned for this to be mainly abt atsushi and the reader, but i decided to add in relationship hcs with the agency bc i ran out of ideas

if you guys liked this don’t worry! im planning a special part two for this one so be the look out for it hehe

atsushi with a tween! sister

ft. the armed detective agency

like in my baby sister hcs, you’re still the most important thing to him period

the two of you got picked up by dazai and kunikida when he was 18 (obviously) and when you were 12

for a 12 year old, you were a bit small bc of malnourishment (which makes atsushi feel so bad) so both dazai and kunikida thought you were a bit younger than you actually were

they assumed you were about 9-10ish

you and atsushi both share a favorite food !! chazuke :)

so when kunikida treated the two of you, he made sure you got more bowls bc like i mentioned above, he feels really bad that you were malnourished and under weight

(don’t bring this up but kunikida felt bad too hehe)

when dazai went with your brother to the warehouse, you were with kunikida

imagine the surprise of the other ada members when kunikida came in with a little girl dressed in rags that popped out from behind him

kenji was the one who vocalized his thoughts 

“kunikida-san you have a daughter?! wow! i didn’t know that! :D”

when you found out your brother was a tiger, you were a bit concerned but you were actually kind of excited

you were even more excited when you found out the two of you were going to be taken in by the agency

anything was better than the stupid orphanage

and besides!

you got a tiger for an older brother and a bunch of other super powered agents to take care of you! who could want anything else?

at your age, you’re very impressionable and can be influenced easily so atsushi makes sure to teach you more in depth of good morals and the importance of kindness

his heart swells with pride and relief when he catches you being kind to others

pride bc he’s proud that even after all the two of you have gone through, you still ended up being a good kid and having a bright view of the world

and relief bc he hasn’t failed as a big brother

pfftt like he could ever fail

but please, from time to time reassure him that he’s perfect and the only big brother that you’d ever want bc he rlly needs that kind of validation

with his salary and savings, he tries to buy nice things for you

what a sweetheart 🥺

he saw you eyeing that one dress at a store window? fast forward abt a week and half and it’s inside a pretty gift bag for you

you wanted to try that dessert from the nice bakery? that’s dessert after dinner at one point

but other than buying you things, he sets money aside for you

like all the time

(y/n), here have this, you might need it”

“but nii-san you just gave me—”

“take it”

#1 spoiler

also your #1 confidant and source of physical affection

you tell him anything and everything (except crushies and those kinds of things)

atsushi loves it when you talk abt your day and he can see the big smile on your face and the sparkle in your eyes

it gives him the strength to keep going 😖😖

the two of you aren’t as touch starved as you’d probably think, but that’s only bc the two of you had each other

in your opinion, no one can match the hugs of your big brother

and it got even better bc YAYY he has tiger arms now ٩(◕‿◕)۶

if you ask, he’d carry you around too hehe

you also get nightmares quite often so he’ll always be there ready to calm you down, talk if you need to, and rock you back to sleep

god i love him 🤧🤧

atsushi will do everything in his power to protect you and make sure you get to grow up happy, supported, and loved

port mafia attack? oop he’s already taking you to the nearest escape route

someone is starting to harass you? they just got suckered punched into the next week

you want to go out to have some fun? he’ll go ask the president for a day off

you’re not feeling well? he’ll take another day off and take care of you

whatever you want to do, he’ll do it with you! (as long as it’s within reason)

will always be your #1 supporter! and he’s the president of your fan club hehe

he loves you so so much and will do anything for you; your life and happiness will always be more important to him

you are his reason to keep going

agency head canons !!

atsushi is your big brother, but kunikida is most definitely some sort of father figure

everyone can see it

except kunikida of course

kunikida scolds you lightly if he thinks your manners need work or if you make a mess in the agency

you listen to him of course and in turn as some sort of a reward, he’ll give you pieces of stationary

he always gives you the nice, good quality kind and you’re over the moon

atsushi adores it when you come running to him showing your new notebook or fountain pen and blabbering what you’re going to do with it

sometimes it isn’t even as a reward for being a good child; he’ll just give it to you and he’ll say smth like “i noticed you’ve used up your last notebook quite quickly, so here’s another one” or “did you run out of ink? here have this then”

he usually has a soft spot for children in general, but he most definitely has a soft spot (or a thousand) for you

yosano is kind of like a motherly figure to you

she gives you the guidance a mother should and goes on shopping trips with you!

atsushi always gets dragged along by you, but he thinks it’s worth it seeing you look so happy

yosano being a doctor also tries to teach the things you should know, or things that would be helpful to you

she’ll teach you the basics of cooking, sewing, how to treat a cold/fever, etc

also gives you excellent advice 1000% of the time

“remember (y/n)-chan if someone hurts you come tell me and then i’ll chop them into—”

“yOSANO-SENSEI DONT TELL HER THAT—”

fukuzawa is like a father to most in the agency but you see him more as a grandfather figure

bi weekly tea and gossip sessions hehe

along with cat talk!

most of the time though, it’s just you talking and him listening to you, but the two of you enjoy it nonetheless

“and then kunikida-san ended up crashing into a pole and dazai-san started to laugh at him and i did too because it was really funny but we ended up getting scolded—”

“hmm i see...”

he’ll let you stay in his office as he fills out paperwork; you’re usually doodling or drawing in your notebooks

sometimes he’ll meditate and you’ll join him, but 4/7 times you’d fall asleep

you always wake up with a blanket over you

dazai is like a cool but a highly concerning and kind of high maintenance uncle

frequently takes you out with him when he ditches work

walks in the park, eating at uzumaki so he has the excuse of treating you so he doesn’t have to pay his tab avoiding kunikida and sometimes chuuya and akutagawa, all that fun stuff

also tries to not talk abt suicide in front of you especially if it’s just the two of you alone

he knows that you mean the world to his pupil and that said pupil would probably hate him for putting suicide inside your brain

he teaches you random but useful things like how to pick a lock, how to steal kunikida’s notebook if you’re looking for some information, how to sweet talk your way out of things, etc.

is also the one to tell you that if you ever get a significant other to introduce them to the agency first

he always wants all of your gossip; some of them work pretty well for blackmail

“dazai-san! dazai-san! did you know that kunikida-san lost his glasses and he was looking for them for nearly an hour when he was just holding them the entire time??”

“woah really (y/n)-chan?! hey hey can you say it again into this recording device so kunikida-kun would believe me when i tell him—”

always ends up giving kunikida a heart attack when he says that you’ve been with him all day

ranpo is also like a cool but a highly concerning and kind of high maintenance uncle

will share some of his snacks, but don’t push it or you might not get anything at all

loves it when you compliment him

if you tagged along with him and your brother on a case, he will show off to impress you

“...and that’s how the crime happened”

“UWAHH RANPO-SAN YOU’RE SO COOL”

atsushi is lowkey and kunikida is highkey stressed that ranpo’s eating habits will rub off on you

“ne (y/n)-chan do you wanna try this highly caffeinated drink and this concerning amount of sugar filled snack?”

“can i really?!”

“rANPO-SAN NO—”

ranpo definitely does stuff like that on purpose 

the tanizakis are like siblings to you!

a weird set of siblings but siblings nonetheless

the two of them adore you and think you’re precious

atsushi definitely knows how to do your hair whether it’s long or short but he got even better at it when he asked the two

hehe braid trains are definitely a thing + kyouka and kenji (and maybe even dazai)

sometimes you have sibling swap days

you’re with junichiro for most of the day and atsushi is with naomi

strange i know

each of the tanizaki siblings try to make it fun bc they know that the two of you did not at all have a happy upbringing

junichiro likes spending time with you by taking you out to different places that naomi likes to frequent

like the mall, different stores and restaurants, the park, places like those

naomi does the same thing with atsushi so if you ever bump into them, you go out and eat together :)

besides atsushi, the next one in line who spoils you the most would be junichiro (and yosano & kunikida both coming in at a close third)

he honestly can’t help it; you remind him of how naomi was when she was younger

and besides

he’s always been a sucker when it came to the happiness of a little sister

“would you really buy this for me junichiro-san?!”

“of course! don’t worry about it” :)

wanna talk abt boys/girls/celebrity crushes things like that? naomi is your girl

you feel a bit embarrassed to go talking to yosano or your brother abt that and kyouka does not know a thing abt them either

“uwahh naomi-san look at all these people in this magazine! they look so good!”

“right?! but of course onii-sama is still the best—”

you get along with kenji and kyouka quite nicely being roughly the same age as them; they’re also like siblings!

just pure, wholesome vibes from the three of you

you’re over the moon when she finds out that kyouka is staying with you and your brother

atsushi is twice as happy seeing you talk your mouth off and finally having a girl around your age to talk to

“do you think demon snow can change how she looks?”

“hmm... im not sure...”

you and kenji talk abt anything and everything

he even teaches you how to take care of plants!

sometimes the two of you are kind of in the same boat bc you don’t know much abt yokohoma being stuck in the orphanage and kenji doesn’t know much abt cities in general

“wait where are we again kenji-san?”

“ah we’re close to the ports! but im not really sure how close because i don’t know what the symbols on this sign mean”

“don’t worry! neither do i!”

bonus things!

yosano was kind of too late teaching you abt you know what

“NII-SAN IM BLEEDING IN BETWEEN MY LEGS”

you’re sobbing in the agency’s bathroom and atsushi is panicking trying to get you to open the door

“Y/N?! H-HOLD ON LET ME GET YOSANO SENSEI”

ranpo overhears and cackles making everyone around him confused

suddenly atsushi bursts in the agency basically on the verge of tears rambling incoherent sentences abt the bathroom, you, and blood

it just clicked for everybody in the room

(im going to pretend that kenji has sisters back home so that atsushi is the only one who remain oblivious here hehe)

atsushi is genuinely confused and sort of concerned that no one is freaking out with him

yosano waves her hand saying smth like that she’d take care of it and junichiro pulls atsushi to the side to talk to him

fast forward like half and hour and dazai and ranpo are cackling on the looks of both of your faces

honestly not sure who’s more traumatized, you or your brother

“why does this have to happen” :(

“ne ne (y/n)-chan!~ you’re too young but at some point you’re not going to have it!”

“uwahh really dazai-san?” :D

“yeah! but first you have to have ANFK—”

next thing you know your ears are being covered by your brother and dazai is thrown across the room by kunikida

you know

the normal

you’re twelve and have never gone to school, but the agency takes care of that

it’s too dangerous to go to school so they teach you what’s necessary and whatever else they can

kunikida takes care of math (obviously)

yosano takes care of science/biology/anatomy/health (whatever you wanna call it)

ranpo even dragged poe to help you with english

atsushi even got lucy to help you out with english too!

as tanizaki and naomi used to be students, they give you their old work books and they try to teach you all the other subjects

sometimes kyouka and kenji are there learing with you too!

sorry if there’s some errors! i’ll read through it again later :)

and as always, reblogs and shares are appreciated! i hope you all stay safe! and just in case nobody told you they loved you today, i love you! you are enough! <3

writing belongs to me! please do not plagiarize! the reblog button is there for a reason

[gojology]

— Gojo and Nanami | Their Insecurities

pairing : insecure gojo x gender neutral reader, insecure nanami x gender neutral reader warnings : unedited, probably some misspellings, maybe some cursing, i probably dont make sense at all wordcount : 1703 a/n : this is so bad dear god please forgive me for deeming this as content

GOJO SATORU ‧₊˚✩彡.

☆ Gojo’s insecure about his lack of bodyhair. His lack of facial hair and arm hair worries him. Being babyfaced wasn’t something positive in his eyes- no, he wishes he was physically more masculine.

   Your eyes meet his, the sun rays bathing both of you in an orange filtered light. His mouth is slightly opened, skin flush to the touch. After a night of intimacy, your ready for another round, pushing your palm towards his forehead. “Good morning, Satoru.” you say, voice slightly wavering even in the most private presence, without the formalities and what not, he’s surprisingly normal, and it’s taken you a bit to adjust to that. He’s warm, but it’s the good kind of warm, and it shows on his silly, dopey smile.

    You guess it wasn’t the time for more sex, so you resist your urges, directing the energy to something else.

    Gradually, your palms find themselves on his cheeks, and you pinch them slightly, giving him a look you hope is loving- because you really do mean it. Your rest assured, as the curve to his swollen lips grew even wider. The sounds of bird chirped as your fingers danced across his jawline, finally at your final stop, his chin. 

    You tip his chin up, and sure enough, hickeys are adorning his neck. A feeling of joy and honor fills you for a brief second, you were the one that was allowed to see him vulnerable, given the pass into his locked up heart. He finally breaks the silence between the two of you, pushing away your slack hand delicately. 

    It’s peculiar, there’s a tremble to his lips, like he’s scared, or about to burst into a fit of tears. You think it should be the other way around, but here you were, arms held close to your chest, looking at him with a mixture of curiosity and anticipation, bated breath preventing you from questioning the sudden change in tone. 

    “Hey, um, Y/N, weird ass question, but, am I hairy? Like, wooly mammoth hairy?” 

    You can’t tell if it’s sarcasm or not.

    Trying not to make a face, you shrug your shoulders. “Well, I mean, not really. You’re actually pretty nonhairy, in terms of uh... The average-” you pause, realizing how drastically his face fell. “-But I do like non-hairy guys! Who would wanna date a wooly mammoth anyways? Hey, baby..” you coo, giving him a tiny peck on the cheek, fluttering your eyelashes.     “What’s this about? Hey, you know, you can just be straightforward with me, I don’t mind.” 

    He doesn’t take a moment of hesitation, exasperatedly blurting out, “Does my lack of.. Hair, bother you?” but it seems he regrets it, your cheeks puffing up, stifling a giggle. Yet, he maintains the bone-chilling eye contact, his eyes are as vivid as ever, so blue it looked like the entrance to heaven. Your immediately lulled, whatever he was going to say was definitely urgent.

    “W-What? Are you being serious?” covering your mouth, your voice is muffled, but his face looks absolutely terrified, and you relish in how funny he looked. It wasn’t everyday that he was genuinely frightened, well, maybe he didn’t show it often.    “Of course not! Why would I be even remotely worried about bodyhair when I have something way more eye-catching in front of me?”

    The shock turns into a sheepish smile, returning for a second time, your heart melting instantly. He takes a long, deep breath, exhaling the tension away, tugging at the covers to go over his chest. You hadn’t realized that he had stolen more than half of the blanket for himself, but you don’t make a fuss about it. 

    For all the weight he carried on his sagging shoulders, you’re sure the warmth is appreciated. 

NANAMI KENTO ‧₊˚✩彡.

☆ Nanami thinks he’s a boring person, through and through. Outside of work, he doesn’t see why anyone would want him. Some days, he wonders if he should pick up on Gojo’s personality, telling jokes and being sarcastic and what not.

   The fine, white porcelain Nanami had gifted you was beautiful, to say the least. Nanami frequently shone it until it glimmered in the light, wiping any smudge or speck of dirt that dared to get on his beloved tea set that he gifted to you a few months prior. Gold trim, alongside depictions of birds fluttering about, and your favorite flowers. It’s perfect for you, and that’s why he had gotten it. His eyes had instantly brightened, picturing your beaming face as you served the two of you some tea.

   But he wonders, would you be happier if he perhaps gifted you something more up to date in comparison to the porcelain? He had enough money to buy you the world, bags, jewelry, he’d often used to hear stories of his co-workers giving their wives expensive, well, anything, and they’d be over the moon. A sudden realization grew inside of him at the thought of this:    

   Was he too out-of-date?    

   The thought went rampant in his usually collected mind, twisting and turning at night, only the sound of you, deep in sleep, could calm the troubled man down. As a consequence to his overthinking, he got little to no rest, and if he got little to no rest, his eyebags would turn their ugly, sneering faces in his direction.

     And so, as he’s baking tea cakes to go along with the afternoon tea the two of you would routinely drink, he’s going deep into depth of himself. He’s a good worker, good at...

     What was he good at? Aside from work, he can’t see why he’d be of use. Nanami acknowledges he’s stoic, which may be good in some cases, but often, everyone runs away from him because he appears as scary with those cold, calculating eyes. As opposed to Gojo, everyone enjoyed how lenient of a teacher he was. Well, Nanami isn’t sure on that, maybe aside from Megumi, Nobara, and Yuuji, everyone hated that. Regardless, him and Gojo don’t share something in common.

     Gojo has humor, and he doesn’t. 

     So why did you like him? 

     Nanami’s subconsciously drumming his long, bony fingers against the counter, eyes studying the ceiling like it’s the last thing he’ll ever do. Steadily, an acrid smell completely overwhelmed your senses- now, you’re hacking into your arm, and finally, Nanami comes back to Earth. 

     He blinks a few times, like he’s drinking in his surroundings, before he realizes the tea cakes are completely burning into a crisp.

Now, he’s on heightened alert, yanking open the handle to the oven and fanning out the flames with a random oven mitt he had hastily grabbed for. Beads of sweat are developing on his skin, before finally, you rush in, still hacking up a storm with a large pot of freezing water in your shaking hands.

     Nanami curses himself for ever appearing as informal, but then he remembers he’s infront of his significant other, he didn’t have to put on an act. His face relaxes, and he opens his mouth to speak, to apologize, but he’s paused- by you. You raise your palm up at him, the other hand opening up a window looking over the garden.

      “Nana.” he freezes completely, the affectionate nickname was specially reserved for confrontations like this. You spoke softly, which, for some reason, was significantly worse than you screaming into his ear. Your eyes follow suit, staring at his collar, loosening his tie. He winces, but Nanami’s not sure why he does. You had touched him millions of times, so why was it now that he didn’t accept it?

     “Yes, my love?” he finally breathes out, wrapping a strong, gentle arm around your waist just loosely. You place your thumb just below his lower lip, your index finger rubbing his plush lips all at the same time. The exchange is purely affectionate, yet, he’s still tense. 

    “What has gotten into you?” you murmur. 

    “I- Nothing, darling, I’ll bake another-” 

    “No.” is all you say before you grab him by the chin, unwavering. Usually, those piercing eyes of his are emotionless, something shocking. The eyes are the gateway to the soul, so why is it that it’s blocked off? But you guess it wasn’t the case here, he stared back with the same level of intensity, fear and peculiarity. You stay in that position for a little, savoring just how much you must mean to him, it wasn’t everyday he was vulnerable and let you inside.      Your breathing is heavy, eyelids heavy as well due to his routinely ruckus every night, but you’re determined to erase any trace there was left of that.       You kiss him. It’s sloppy, yet chaste. A fight for dominance usually occurs between the two of you, and almost routinely, Nanami wins, but this time, he lets you do the work. 

   Your lips never once trail away from his own. Heavy breathing through nostrils, hands roaming where it shouldn’t at such an early time, but who gave a fuck about the rules? It wasn’t a workplace, and you’d never let it be one. He clings onto your figure, you savor his muscular physique. Not once do his hands not roam, your flesh was his, and his was yours. 

    Finally, you pull away, heat rising to your cheeks, tears are beginning to dawn on your glassy eyes. “I’ve listened to you roll around in bed every night, mumbling shit about how you don’t see why I’d want you. You better donate your eyes and brain to charity right now.” 

   This wasn’t the reaction, or beatdown he was expecting. He flinches at the vivid image he got of you gouging out his eyeballs. “...Why must I do that? 

   “Because, you don’t use them, obviously. If you took a fucking second of your life to look deeper into your personality below the surface level, you’d see how fucking amazing you are and I love you for that.” 

   Shaking your head furiously, you shush him up yet again when he finally decides to speak up, tears are beginning to spill down your cheeks. “Shut up, Nana. Shut. Up.” pulling him in for another kiss, your hands grabbing at his shoulder like he was going to let go. 

   But he never did. 

[bnhaficsforthesoul]

just some hawks headcanons

he loves doing your eyeliner and loves when you point out how good he is at it

he’ll do cool designs too not just normal eyeliner and if you ever wanna do his eyeliner he’s so down (but if you’re not super good at it he will playfully make fun of you, while giving you little tips here and there it’s cute)

he’s such a morning person it’s annoying at times, but it’s generally because he’s been working nonstop for years on a schedule that had him up early 

but on the bright side, if he has time before he has to go to work, he’ll make you breakfast and you’ll get wholesome morning cuddles before he goes 

or if it’s a day off you’ll wake up to him pressing soft kisses all over your cheeks and nose and jawline and a few stray ones on your lips while he whispers ‘come on baby, time to wake up’ all pouty like

he likes to sleep on top of your chest, mainly because it’s easier for him to sleep on his stomach cause of his wings, but he’ll wrap his arms around your waist tightly and bury his face in your chest or neck

he also nuzzles into you a lot, both asleep and awake, he thinks its comforting

he wants to stay up late with you so badly because he’ll take essentially any time he can get with you, but no matter what he wakes up early so he knows he needs to sleep early too, would probably knock out at midnight at the latest anyways

he whistles all the time, he hums a lot too, he’s got a pretty decent voice 

his hair, while it looks good, is probably pretty tangled and messy all the time since he’s always flying around, so he’d love it if you helped him brush his hair gently

also he loves when you help him take care of his wings, he’s kinda hesitant to let other people touch them because they’re so sensitive but if you’re gentle then he’s ecstatic 

when you kiss he lets out little hums from the back of his throat

whenever he gets hurt doing hero work he tries to stay away from you until his injuries dont look bad/he can function fairly normally, one reason for this is that he doesn’t like being seen as weak and vulnerable, he likes people thinking he’s indestructible almost, especially you, and the second reason is that he hates worrying you. he’s so thankful for you and just wants you to be happy so he hates worrying you in any way

but you will catch on eventually, and he begins to grow out of this when you start taking care of his injuries and coddling him a bit 

at the beginning of the relationship it was kinda rocky in an emotional sense, he was physically there and from an outside perspective everything seemed great considering how busy he is and all that, but you knew there were some barriers there that took a while for you two to communicate about

thing is you’re likely keigo’s first relationship, he’s never had the time or care to even think about one but you came along and he just couldn’t resist, but he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do outside of things he’s heard and he still isnt sure how much trust he should give you

and he knows there’s something up, but he’s still careful about bringing it up, sometimes he thinks that maybe it’d be better for the both of you if you broke up but he knows he’d miss you and doesn’t want to

so eventually you’d have to bring it up, just ask him if things are okay and help him to understand that you’re there for him and that even if it takes time you want to learn about him - even while dating it could take a bit to fully earn his trust, but through various vulnerable moments he’d begin to open up more

he’s insanely protective of you, he tries not to let the media know too much about you if you’re not a hero, and even if you are he tries to make sure your relationship isn’t made into this huge publicity thing - and if anyone ever bothers you he isn’t shy to stand up for you and hurt somebody, he cares more about you than his reputation and he’ll deal with the consequences later

he’s jealous in a possessive you’re mine kind of way, but he does like to show you off, it’s just he has kind of a look but don’t interact policy, as soon as someone tries getting too friendly he’s backing them off, but he loves people knowing that youre with him

if you’re a hero he’ll definitely try to work with you often if your quirks allow it (mainly meaning if you have a quirk that has you out on the field capable of doing intense fighting rather than a quirk that would keep you in a different field than him)

he can be extremely touchy but he can also have moments of not wanting to be touched at all, sometimes he feels better being in his own space, he doesn’t like feeling crowded even if it’s just you, but during these times he’ll still want to be around you, maybe even having your pinkies laced but that’s it

he ruffles your hair all the time

he probably loves going to the park late at night to play on the playground, he likes a lot of more ‘childish’ seeming things mainly because he didn’t have a normal childhood, but he’d love running around the playground with you

asks you to race to who can swing the highest faster and then uses his wings and cheats (he’s probably caused the swing and him to swing around the actual pole at the top doing that before, his life flashed before his eyes, he never did it again)

he absolutely loves carrying you around while flying, if you’re afraid of heights or just don’t like it he understands but if you’re into it then he’ll do it all the time, he thinks of the sky way above the clouds as a safe space where it’s just him and his thoughts and no problems, and he’s so happy to bring you there - now it’s just you two in the whole world and he wants nothing more 

he has dreams of just being able to live freely with you, going around the world just being happy doing whatever you want, maybe eventually settling down, doesn’t matter where - he’s not all too sure if it’ll ever happen since it feels kinda impossible to him to have a life where he isnt stuck doing hero work, but he craves it a lot 

if you don’t want to get married or have kids that’s perfectly fine, keigo would be happy either way, but he probably dreams of those things too - he seems like the type of kid who imagined a pretty wedding with the love of his life one day, and he just knows that if it’s going to be anyone it’s going to be you 

always flirts with you super confidently, tells you stupid pick up lines as if you weren’t dating, but if you ever turn that back on him he gets super flustered

he’d probably cry if you ever pointed out how beautiful you think he is, like his face and body and everything - it’s not that he’s never been told it before, he’s literally a model, he knows he’s attractive, but he probably thinks people view him more so as an object to look at rather than actually appreciating him, so knowing how much you love him for him means so much 

it was a big thing for him even just telling you his name, everyone (at least for a while) only knew him as hawks, so if you start dating before his name was made public, it’d take a lot. he’d probably do it before asking you out, but he was still very nervous about it. he probably only told you his first name at that time, his last name came later, maybe even into you dating

though he instantly fell in love with the way his name sounds coming from your lips

there might be a lot of petty arguments, he can get agitated fairly easily when he’s been working a lot which is most of the time, and at the beginning of the relationship he didn’t know how to talk this through and would get annoyed by little things - he’s gotten better at it over time though and now he calms down quicker and talks to you about it 

would think it’s funny if you bought any stupid merch of him - he walks in and you have a blanket covered in his face and you’re wearing shorts with his hands on the ass, he’d think it’s hilarious. 

[tobesolonely]

it’s not christmas ‘til you come home

a/n: hello!! please enjoy this piece from my dad!harry universe! (u dont have to read any of them for it to make sense, but it would be cool if u did! loosely based on it’s not christmas ‘til you come home by norah jones <3 hope you enjoy! thank u to @harryysstyless​ for beta reading for me!! happy holidays everyone :)

warnings: SMUT, a bit of angst <3 word count: ~5.1k 

my ko-fi! thank you :)

December 23rd, 2:00 PM

For as long as you and Harry have been in a relationship, you’ve never not spent a Christmas together. 

Before expanding your family, you and he used to hop from party to party every Christmas Eve. Both of you would be absolutely trashed by the time Harry’s driver would drop you off at his house in the early hours of the morning. You’d sleep in until approximately noon, willing your hangovers to go away before finally making it down the stairs and into the kitchen to prepare two steaming cups of coffee. The two of you would then make your way into the living room and exchange gifts (where Harry always went way over the budget you’d set). 

Once you had your first child, Allison, your yearly tradition of party hopping and getting so drunk you could hardly put one foot in front of the other was no more. Instead, you and Harry opted for calm nights in, watching Christmas movies and drinking hot cocoa until she eventually grew tired and got carried up to bed. You would wait an hour or so before springing into action, playing Santa and setting out all of the gifts she asked for and then some. Harry never forgot to take a big bite out of the cookie and carrot left out for Santa and his reindeer.

This tradition stayed the same once your second baby, Oliver, was born. Even though he was too young to know what was going on, Harry was still excited to spoil him rotten this year as it was his first Christmas. However, given the current state of the world, you were afraid Harry would not be here for the first time ever.

“Mumma, when’s daddy coming home?” your six-year-old, Ally, asked for what had to be the seventh time that afternoon. “I made him a drawing for his gift ‘nd I can’t wait for him to see it!”

“Let me see what you drew for Daddy, love bug,” you say cheerily, purposefully glossing over her question. Ally proudly holds her drawing up next to her face. She looks up at you with wide eyes, awaiting a compliment from you. 

“That’s gorgeous, bug! Daddy’s gonna love it,” you inform her. “Maybe you can stick a lil’ bow on it and set it under the tree for him, hmm?” 

“Good idea, Mumma!” Ally runs to the box where you kept all the supplies for gift wrapping, digging around for a pink bow to stick on the corner of her drawing.

While she’s preoccupied with finding the perfect bow to place on her drawing for Harry, you take a quick glance at your phone. He still hadn’t gotten back to you since last night’s quick conversation when he very briefly mentioned he didn’t know if he’d be able to make it home.

He was filming in Los Angeles. You shared your uncertainties about him going before he departed but in the end, this was an opportunity you didn’t want him to miss out on. You read the Los Angeles Times free articles on your phone daily, keeping track of the state of the pandemic in Southern California. You knew it was much worse there than it was at home in London. You feared what you were afraid of was sadly bound to happen— Harry may get stuck in LA.

You didn’t want to say anything to your curious daughter because communication with him had been so sparse. You didn’t know anything for certain yet. But what were you supposed to think? You knew flying nationally wasn’t a good idea at the moment, never mind internationally.

“Hey bug, d’ya think you can watch your brother for a moment? Mumma’s gotta go make a phone call.” 

You hear your daughter let out a slightly irritated sigh. “I suppose I can, Mumma.” Ally responds with a voice laced with exasperation. You chuckle slightly under your breath at your overly dramatic (much like her dad) six-year-old and head into the kitchen, quickly dialing your husband’s familiar number.

“Hello?” 

You let out a sigh of relief upon hearing Harry’s low, hoarse voice. 

“Hi, honey. Just checkin’ in to see how things are going…” you hear shuffling on his end. “It’s December 23rd, you know.”

“I know, love.”

“Did I wake you?”

“Six in tha’ mornin’ here.”

“I’m sorry, H. S’just Allison keeps on askin’ when you’ll be home and ‘m just so worried you won’t make it home on time and you’ll miss Oliver’s first Christmas—“

“Darling,” Harry interrupts your anxiety-fueled ramble. “‘M gonna make it home. Have I ever not been there when I said I would?” 

“No,” you say quietly. “I’m just worried, Harry. I hear traveling is going to get very strict because they’re trying to prevent people from going anywhere for Christmas…”

“Fine, then I’ll get my own plane with jus’ me and a pilot. Wear a mask the entire time and whatnot. Yanno I can make that happen if it’s necessary, pet.” 

Harry’s calm demeanor about the whole situation brings you a bit of peace. Perhaps you were catastrophizing something that wasn’t as big of a deal as you thought it was a mere two minutes ago. If he wasn’t worried about not making it home, you didn’t see any reason to stress about it— not for one second longer.

“Okay then,” you reply, still a bit wary of his travel plans. “What shall I tell your daughter? She’s drivin’ me up the walls asking where you are every twenty minutes.”

Your husband lets out a breathy laugh, causing you to giggle along with him. “Tell her not to eat up all the Christmas cookies before I get a taste of one.”

December 24th, 8:45 AM

Part of you was hoping you’d wake up on Christmas Eve and Harry would be tucked into bed next to you, plump lips parted, the sound of his snores the only noise in the room. However, you were a rational woman, if nothing else. You knew he wouldn’t be by your side when you woke up. 

You make your way down the hall and peek inside your son’s room. He was fast asleep, plump thumb in his mouth. You smile at your sleeping baby and gently close the door behind you, deciding to let him sleep in a bit longer before waking him up to feed him. 

Next, you walk to your daughter's room, gently pushing open the door in case she was still sleeping. Instead, you find her sat at her desk, deeply focused on what appeared to be another drawing. 

“Good morning, lovebug,” you greet your daughter in a sing-songy voice. “You’re up early. What are you working on?”

“Makin’ a letter for Santa,” she replies, not bothering to look up from what she was doing. 

“A letter for Santa?” You start racking your brain for anything you and Harry could’ve possibly forgotten to get for Ally, but you finished your Christmas shopping for your children way back in November.

“Yes,” she answers matter-of-factly. “‘M askin’ him to make sure my Daddy is home by tonight so we can eat cookies together and watch Toy Story, Mumma.” 

“I’m sure Santa will make that happen for you,” you reassure her. “You’ve been a very good girl this year, been so helpful with Olly and doin’ so well in school. The least Santa can do is get you whatever you want.” You see her smile as she digs around in her crayon box.

“Can we wait ‘til Daddy gets home to make Santa’s cookies, Mumma?”

“Sure we can, bug,” Ally claps her hands together excitedly, bouncing around in her tiny chair. “Gonna go make some pancakes, does that sound yummy?”

“Can we have chocolate chip pancakes please?”

“Are you askin’ me that because your dad isn’t here to throw a fit about it?” You give her a knowing smile, causing her to giggle.

“Maaaaybe…” Your daughter turns to face you, swinging her legs back and forth.

“If I make your chocolate chip pancakes, you can’t tell your dad. Deal?” You hold up your pinky. Ally gets up and runs to you and you bend down slightly so she can link her finger with yours.

“I pinky promise, Mumma!”

“Our little secret, yeah?” she nods. “Keep an ear out for your brother for me, bug. I’ll be downstairs.”

December 24th, 3:00 PM

“Love? ‘M afraid I got some bad news...”

As soon as Harry’s voice comes through on the other line, you can tell whatever news he’s about to share with you won’t be what you’re wanting to hear.

“What is it?”

It’s silent for what feels like entirely too long. You get up from your position on the couch next to Ally, telling her you’ll be right back. After breakfast, she convinced you to watch Toy Story with her, which quickly turned into a whole Disney movie marathon.

“Not so sure I’ll be able to make it home.”

You’re not sure if it’s his calm tone that bothers you, the fact that you didn’t want him to go to Los Angeles in the first place, or simply the fact that you and your children missed him terribly and haven’t seen him in nearly a month–– but your mood changes from relaxed to undeniably outraged in three seconds flat.

“You’re kidding.” Your tone is sharp, venomous. Harry once again takes a moment before responding, knowing that the current tone of your voice means he’d best proceed with caution.

“‘M not, love. I woke up early and everything to try and get this sorted out, it’s 7 AM so I was gonna try and catch an early flight––”

“I told you I didn’t want you going to LA,” you cut him off, voice rising slightly. “You knew how bad the pandemic was getting there. I told you this would happen.”

“What do you suppose I do then, Y/N?” His tone is becoming equally as sharp. “Y’want me to tell ‘em, “Sorry, I don’t give a fuck about the travel restrictions. My wife wants me home so let's make it happen!” ‘S that what you want me to do?”

“Don’t be a smartass, Harry,” you spit. “I’ll give the phone to your daughter and you can tell her you won’t be home in time for Christmas, then.”

“Y/N…” his tone is calm again. Fearful. “Don’t make me do that.”

“She woke up early to write a letter to Santa to tell him she wants you home by tonight, Harry,” your tone softens as well. “Even Olly has been asking for you. Swear his new favorite word is ‘dada’.” He laughs at this as do you, and the shared tension that was present just minutes ago dissipates. 

“Just… lemme try a few more things before I tell her, yeah?”

“Harry, it’s already three here,” you gently remind him. “Even if you do make it home today, she’ll be asleep by the time you’re home. I think you just need to tell her.”

Your husband sighs, knowing you were undeniably correct. “Alright. Give Allison the phone, please.”

December 24th, 8 PM

“Almost time for you to head to bed soon, yeah Allybug?” Your daughter lets out a loud sigh in response, not shifting her gaze from the television to you. Ever since Harry told her he wouldn’t be home in time to eat cookies with her, she’s hardly said a word. She’s never experienced a Christmas Eve without her father so understandably, she was missing him tonight.

You shift Olly, who was falling asleep nursing on your lap, into a different position so you could face your daughter directly. From your new position, you can see just how tired she looks. 

“‘M not sleepy, Mumma. Gonna stay up and wait for Daddy,” she informs you of her new plans. “When Daddy is home that’s when it’s time for bed.”

“Ally, remember what Daddy told you on the phone earlier? Santa won’t come unless you go to sleep.”

“I don’t wanna sleep,” she’s quickly starting to grow upset. “Not until Daddy tucks me in!”

You purse your lips, not wanting to argue with your headstrong daughter when your son was so close to drifting off into his nightly milk coma. Turning your attention back to the movie that was quietly playing on the television, you decide to drop it for now and try again later.

December 24th, 9:05 PM

Not more than an hour later, Olly is upstairs in his crib fast asleep whilst Ally is still laying on the floor in front of the Christmas tree, fighting sleep. She was determined to stay up until her father walked through the front door, and you knew getting her to agree to go to bed was going to be a battle and a half.

“You’re not ready to go to bed yet, Ally?” Her eyes fly open once she hears you addressing her.

“Not yet, Mumma. ‘M not sleepy yet.” Her words are a little slurred due to the exhausted state she was in. You hum in response.

“Could’ve sworn your eyes just shut for a minute there,” you pause for a second to see if she’ll look your way. “Must’ve just been my old lady eyes playin’ tricks on me, y’think?”

“I wasn’t sleeping!” She immediately defends herself, frown lines indenting her forehead. “Can we drink more hot chocolate?”

You knew if you wanted your daughter to fall asleep within the hour, another sugar rush wasn’t the best idea. You instead offer her a hot cup of sleepytime tea and she excitedly agrees once you tell her it’s her father’s favorite type of tea to drink at bedtime. You place her down on the kitchen counter while you fill the kettle and wait for it to whistle.

“What are you looking forward to the most from Santa, bug?” 

Her eyes light up at your question. “Well, I really want a new bike! ‘Member Mumma? How I asked him for a pink bike? And I also want a cool swing set! Since we haven’t been able to go to the park in so long,” her smile falters and she looks down at her dangling feet. “I want Daddy to come home the mostest, though.”

Your heart feels like it’s going to break in two upon hearing your daughter admit that Harry being home would be the greatest gift of all. “So do I, lovebug. He’ll be here in the mornin’ to watch you and your brother open all the gifts Santa got you though, don’t you worry.”

For everyone’s sake, you hoped that was true.

December 24th, 11:50 PM

Sleep wasn’t coming easy. 

You finally got your daughter to bed at around ten o’clock and waited thirty minutes before laying out your children’s gifts. It took much longer than it usually did considering you had to do it all on your own. Harry was usually the one to quickly assemble the larger toys while you laid everything out around the living room. 

Despite it taking longer than desired, you were proud that you got it all done without waking your children up. Consequently, that meant you were now left all alone with your thoughts considering you had no more tasks to occupy yourself with. 

You kept contemplating calling Harry, but you weren’t sure if he was busy on set or not. Surely he was immersing himself in work to distract himself from the fact he would not be spending Christmas with his family. 

Deciding you may need a cup of the sleepytime tea you offered Allison earlier, you quietly get out of bed and open your door, sock-clad feet padding softly against the wooden floors. It’s unnervingly silent in your home–– the tea kettle coming to a boil being the only source of noise. You keep unlocking and re-locking your phone, finally deciding to call your husband to see how he’s spending his day. It goes to automatic voicemail.

You assume the reason for this must be that he’s busy filming on set and set your phone down with a sigh, standing on your tiptoes to retrieve a mug from the cabinet. You mutter a slew of curse words under your breath intended for Harry who always puts the mugs up far too high even though you tell him not to.

Right as you begin pouring the now boiling water into your teacup, the faint jingling of your front door causes you to startle so badly that you nearly drop the kettle on the ground. You try to think back to everything Harry ever told you to do in the event of an intruder but your mind goes blank from fright. Deciding to use the scalding water as your weapon, you slowly creep towards the door, your only plan being to fling the water on whoever it was as soon as they got the door open. As soon as you hear the lock click, you flick the lid open that covers the spout and draw your arm back.

“Shit––”

“Harry?”

Your husband jumps slightly, his eyes blinking rapidly in an effort to adjust to the dark living room. You reach beside him and quickly turn on the light, shakily letting out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding. He looks exhausted, his hair is an absolute mess, and his eyes are red from sleep deprivation–– but he’s home. You set the tea kettle down on the coffee table and fling yourself into his arms, breathing in the scent of the man you haven’t seen in a month. He drops his bags at his feet so he can properly embrace you, pulling you into him.

“Merry Christmas, darling,” he presses a kiss to the top of your head and stays like that for a moment saying nothing, just breathing you in. “Missed ya so fuckin’ much.

“How? I thought…” you trail off. “You said that they said…”

Harry laughs quietly. “Remember what I told ya? I said to ‘em, ‘Don’t give a fuck about your travel restrictions! M’wife wants me home.’” You laugh at him, knowing he was far too kind to talk to anyone that way. 

“Yeah, okay,” you reply sarcastically. You pull him in for another hug, placing wet kisses along his jawline. “I’m so happy you’re home. The kids are gonna be over the moon, especially Allison.” Harry hums, surveying the room.

“Looks like you did a good job in here, Mrs. Claus. See ya even assembled some toys all by yourself,” he quirks an eyebrow. “Were you jus’ pretendin’ not to know how to do it all these years so I’d be stuck with all the hard labor?”

“Maybe.”

He pulls you back into him, tickling your sides. “My sneaky girl,” he bends down so his lips are level with your neck and sucks gently, causing you to let out a quiet moan. You see his eyes land on the tea kettle that was sitting forgotten on the coffee table. “Making a cuppa? Can I have one? ‘M freezin’.”

“I can think of something else we can do to get you warmed up,” you reach for his hands, interlocking his fingers with yours. “If you know what I’m gettin’ at.”

“Hmm…” Harry releases one of his hands from your grip and taps at his chin, pretending to be deep in thought. “Not too sure I can say I know what you’re sayin’. Maybe you should just tell me?”

You frown. “You’re really gonna make me say it, huh?”

“Y’know I’d give you the entire world if you asked me for it. All you gotta do is tell me what you want from me and it’s yours–– ‘m sure you’ve known that since the first day we met, though.” Harry takes a step back, crossing his arms across his chest. Even in his thick winter coat, you can see the way his biceps flex, and it makes you even more feral for him.

“Fine,” you say quietly, feeling yourself start to grow shy under his intense gaze. “I’m kinda... in the mood.” You say it so softly that it would most likely be inaudible to Harry if he wasn’t standing mere inches away from you. Harry throws his head back in laughter and you quickly shush him, not wanting any of your children to wake up.

“In the mood? C’mon, pet,” he uncrosses his arms and reaches for one of your hands. “Tha’s not tellin’ me what you want from me. Tell me exactly what you want, lovie.”

“You know what I want, H,” you tell him with a hint of annoyance in your voice. “It’s been a month. Yanno I want you to fuck me, why are you makin’ me say it?”

Harry gives you a shit-eating grin. “You jus’ said it. I didn’t make you say anything.”

You roll your eyes at his immaturity, already in the process of lifting your nightshirt (one of his old t-shirts that’s become just a little too tight on him) over your head. “Are we gonna get to it or not? Because if not, I’ll just go back to makin’ myself some tea and call it a night––”

Harry takes half a step towards you and reaches up to cup your face, colliding his lips with yours. His lips are a little chapped and taste of his favorite rose lip balm. You feel your body relaxing into the kiss, knees going weak as he walks you back onto the couch.

“You’ve been eatin’ up all the sugar cookies, haven’t you? Can taste it on ya. Thought those were for Santa,” he’s pulled away from you to examine your face. “A bit naughty of you, wouldn’t ya say?”

“Please stop referring to yourself as Santa when we’re about to have sex, Harry.”

“You’re not bein’ very kind to the person that’s about to go down on you, are you?” He sucks harshly on the valley between your breasts, wanting to be sure a deep-colored bruise will appear on your skin later. “That’s okay. It is Christmas, after all. ‘M in a giving mood.”

“Stop talking and get to it then.”

Harry slides off the couch and onto his knees in between your legs, gently kissing your thighs. “Cute pair of undies–– s’like you knew I was comin’ home tonight.” Before you can respond Harry’s fingers are tugging at the waistband of your underwear, eager to get them off of you. He presses light kisses to your core, mumbling about how much he missed the smell of you and how sweet you tasted. 

One hand is resting across your stomach while the other one is in between your folds, spreading you open. You try squeezing your thighs around his head, overwhelmed by the feeling of your husband’s lips around your clit after being away from him for so long, but he removes his hand from your stomach and pushes your thighs back apart.

“Feels so good,” you’re breathless, tangling your fingers in Harry’s hair as his hollowed cheeks begin to suck more roughly on your clit. “Missed you so much. Missed this–– us.” 

Harry pauses momentarily to look up at you. “I know, angel. God, do I know.” He attaches his lips back on you, swirling his tongue around your clit as you  choke back your moans. The hand that is holding you open moves down to toy at your slit as he wordlessly checks to see if you’re okay with his fingers being in you. 

“Please,” you say softly, encouraging his next move. He spits on his index and pointer finger before slowly sliding both of them in you, immediately curling them up. “Oh, Harry. Fuckin’ love when you do tha’...”

“Know you do,” His response is curt, simple. He’s focused on the task at hand–– getting you off. He uses the hand that’s lying across your stomach to rub tight circles on your clit, sensing you’re nearing your orgasm from the way you’re starting to clench around him. “Such a good girl fo’ me, darlin’. Gonna make a mess on my fingers in a second, aren’t you?”

You nod as you try to control your breathing and the loudness of your moans. The last thing you wanted was for your daughter to come down to inspect the source of the noise. “Fuck, Harry.” 

“Come on, darlin’,” he gently pinches your clit, causing your body to jolt at the sensation. “Gimme a good one. A lil’ welcome back gift for me, hmm?” 

Your hips are bucking up to the rhythm of his fingers slipping in and out of you as your orgasm quickly approaches. “Har, I’m close…” it comes out sounding more like a warning than a statement. He moves the two fingers he has inside of you in a back and forth motion, coaxing your first orgasm out of you.

“Tha’s my girl,” he whispers, not stopping his movements even as your back arches as your first orgasm rolls over you like a giant wave. “Givin’ me a good one jus’ like I knew you would. Jus’ like you always do. M’ sweet girl.” As you’re starting to still, Harry pulls his fingers out of you and holds them up to your mouth, instructing you to suck them clean. 

You prop yourself up on your elbows so you can properly lean in to steal a kiss from him and notice a rather sizable tent has formed in his pants. Harry gives you a sheepish grin as he palms himself, hissing from the feel of his palm against his cock.

“Want me to do somethin’ about that?” You scoot over on the couch and pat the spot next to you, signaling for your husband to sit beside you. He lifts himself from his seated position, stretching his legs out a bit before plopping down beside you.

“Are you offerin’ me a blowie?”

“I mean, yeah?”

“Can we skip that an’ you can jus’ ride me instead? Think I’d quite like that.”

“Oh you would, would ya?”

Harry nods and unzips his pants, taking himself out. He licks his hand and gives himself a few pumps. “Still on birth control, I’m assuming?”

You roll your eyes as you move to straddle him. “Only been gone for a month, Harry. Of course ‘m still on it, you goof.”

“Can never be too careful. I don’t think now’s a good time for another lil’ one, do you? Think we should at least celebrate Oliver’s first birthday before we try for another one.” His hands are on his hips as he lines you up over his cock, helping you slowly sink down. You missed the burn of him which was even more intense than it usually was considering it’s been a while since he’s taken you.

“I think you’re right,” you reply. You rest your head on his shoulder while you adjust to the size of him, needing to take a moment to yourself before attempting to move. After a short adjustment period you begin rolling your hips, grinding against him in a way that was also bringing pleasure to your clit, still swollen and sensitive from your last orgasm.

Harry’s eyes are fixated on the way your breasts bounce in front of him, the way your stomach slightly jiggles each time you crash back down onto him. His lips are caught in between his teeth; you’re hoping he doesn’t break any skin so you don’t have to hear him whine about how badly the bruise hurts him later.

“Ridin’ me like your life depends on it,” Harry mutters. “Fuckin’ love takin’ you like this, angel. So fuckin’ deep.”

You simply hum in agreement, brain far too foggy to form a coherent sentence. Harry notices your movements starting to become smaller, lazier, so he puts his hands on your hips and decides to take over. He’s thrusting up into you like you’ll up and run away from him if he doesn’t give it his all. He cups your face with one hand and gently guides you towards him, pressing open-mouthed kisses against your lips.

“Fuck, H,” your eyes are squeezed shut and your wrap your arms around his neck, feeling your second orgasm quickly approaching. “Rub my clit please, almost there.”

Harry’s fingers immediately come down to rub at your slick nub, not faltering his relentless pace in the slightest. “Clench around me again, lovie,” his voice is higher than usual, whiny, and you know your husband is just as close as you are. “Love when you do tha’, jus’ need you to do it one more time.”

You do as he wishes once more, knowing once he cums you’ll be directly behind him. Harry lets out a string of expletives as he releases inside of you, pulling you tightly against his chest as he rides out his orgasm. You continue riding him, not slowly down as you chase your own release next.

“Harry,” you’re in a trance-like state, chanting his name over and over as you bring yourself over the edge. “Harry, fuck!”

“That’s my good girl,” he says quietly, rubbing your back as you rest your head on his shoulder while you catch your breath. You feel him beginning to soften inside of you so you lift yourself off and lay back on the couch, legs still shaking. It’s quiet for a couple of minutes as the two of you reveal in the afterglow of your orgasms, Harry gently running his fingers along your leg.

“Round two in the shower?”

December 25th, 6:42 AM

“Mumma! Santa came and he left lots of toys–– Daddy?”

Harry lets out a dramatic “oof!” as Ally jumps onto him, pulling the covers back. Her eyes are wide and she giggles are Harry pulls her into one of his infamous bear hugs, placing kisses all over his face.

“Mornin’, love bug! What’re you doin’ up so early?”

“It’s Christmas, Daddy! Santa came!” she sits back on her feet, a confused look on her face. “Did Santa bring you on his sleigh last night after me ‘n Olly went to bed?”

“Y’know what? He told me to keep it a secret, but he did,” Allison gasps in response to his news as she processes it, placing a little hand over her mouth. Harry sits up and gets out of bed, scooping her up in the process. “How ‘bout we go make Mum a cuppa before we see what Santa got for you and Olly? Tha’ sound good? Let’s let them sleep for a while longer, hmm?”

As you hear them exit the room you take a second to reflect on how lucky you are to spend another Christmas with you beautiful family before drifting back off into a deep, albeit short, sleep.

[actually-impostor]

I am so tired

And exhausted. Disappointed. And worried

Jesus christ I'm worried

Because they are kids. They are childrens.

I'm gonna go on a long rant, everything will be tagged as it should, and this post will be behind a read more. Care for yourself while reading.

Tommyinmit. Tubbo. Ranboo. Hell, even Purpled (tho luckily i havent seen him be fucking attacked and hounded and harassed in this way. Small mercies)

They should NOT have to carry the weight of expectation A Bunch Of Adults Have Put On Their Shoulders

Read that again

YOU AS AN ADULT SHOULD NOT PUT YOUR EXPECTATIONS ON THE SHOULDERS OF CHILDREN

Should they try to better themselves every day? Yeah, but that's something every human should do

Should they stop being children just because they have a platform?

FUCK NO

Im sorry the internet and the world and the adults around you failed you to the point where you think having a mental breakdown everyday for all the struggles around the world you Are Forced To Read About is somehow normal.

Because darling, it's not.

Its not normal, or okay, or something to flex about, that your mental health is being put to such a risk just so you can stay "on top of things"

Im going to re-phrase something i said in 2019 about child actors (i know they aren't "actors" in the traditional sense but they are child celebrities, and it fits)

What you guys have to realize is that the difference between them and... idk, kids you see in your school or in your neighborhood, is that They Have An Audience. They had a sudden spike of people who from one day to the other focused their attention on them and decided "mh, I want to give them attention and a platform for a/b/c reason". You gave them your attention, if you disagree with something they said or their attitudes or whatever, you are in complete liberty to take away your view without feeling like you have to put them on blast.

They are young enough where their personalities, reactions, and opinions are still an echo of the adults and friends who surround them. They are starting to form their own opinions, but its still very much filtered by whichever influence got them first (parents, idols, teachers, older siblings, etc)

We are all ignorants when we are kids, even those who had to suffer thru a lack of privilege are ignorants of things up to a certain point. We grow to educate ourselves in whichever way we can, but we are still ignorant to A Lot Of Issues while we are growing and becoming ourselves.

The difference between us nobodies, and child celebrities (or kids with a following. Twitch streamers, tiktokers, youtubers, actors, etc) is that they have a constant spotlight and millions of eyes on them.

Everyone has access to when they fuck up because its never in private, Because They Dont Have That Privilege.

They are not allowed to mess up, because they are expected to be perfect.

Read that again.

They are KIDS who are Not Allowed To Make Mistakes Anymore.

They aren't allowed to make mistakes, a central point of growing up that helps you become a better person. They are not being allowed to grow and become better because they are not being allowed to fuck up, which is human!

And instead of Actually being helpful, the solution you, ADULTS, have come to... is to send them hate?

Your solution is to call them racist, homophobic, horrible humans who wont better themselves.

What have you done?

Answer that to yourselves.

What have you done?

Have you donated to your charity of choice? Have you given the microphone to the ones that struggle? Have you woke up and think "im gonna do a random act of kindness"?

Or are you just going to waste your energy and yourself bashing a teenager on twitter and staring as his mental health fucks off? In front of a live audience that instead of realizing they were taking things TOO FAR decided to try to "hammer the point"

What are you gonna do if they fuck off?

Because what´s happening is not "EDUCATING"

Is bullying a child.

Thats all there is. You have successfully bullied a child, yay. Now he doesn't want to learn better because no matter how much he educates himself yall still decide he is the worst human being on the planet for not being able to express something in a way YOU feel HE should.

Allow people to make mistakes without them being crucified every fucking step of the way.

Another thing is this need to remind them "i have this mental health situation, now say something to make me feel better"

Fantastic that you found someone and something that can help you out of a dark place. Now do the next part of getting Actual Capable And Profesional Help.

They are children, they are streamers. They dont have the necessary knowledge and equipment and training to help you with something serious. It should not be in their shoulder the weight of actively helping people thru a traumatic event or a shitty situation. If their streams comfort you, great. But thats all they can do.

And if they want to be educated on something Dont Immediately Shut Them Down. Let them educate themselves even if it's on something considered problematic, or something you think "is not important enough", just let them explore their interests without feeling like they have to perform everything for their audience.

Be better.

Do better.

And honestly? I didnt wanted to add this, but after all my sister has a point.

Why are you guys putting so much effort and energy into this? They play video games for a living.

Use your energy into bettering yourself and doing your part for the world. Not into bashing a 16-17 years old child.

Go outside, see the sky, change your scenario a bit. Touch some grass.

I think tomorrow i'll go for a walk.

[h3l10tr0p3]

MANGA CH. 284 SPOILERS

OF REDEMPTIONS AND ATONEMENTS:

We all been knew, man. We all knew this was coming.

And godDAMN does it fucking HURT. (oh the sweet sweet angstfest this whole chapter is, just *chef's kiss*)

But i legit cannot put into words how deep the choice to 'Atone' cuts on my bleeding bkdk heart. Let's first take a step back and see how Katsuki went from DvK2 to here- that one keystone moment that has given us this beautiful chapter: And I meant ALLLL the way back to Chap. 252

I have already written a whole-ass post based on this panel, which you can check Here.

TL;DR Katsuki was actually paying real close attention to Endeavour in this part. He came to Endeavour to learn exactly what he was missing as a Hero, but he learnt so much more.

This scene in particular left a momentous impact on Kacchan. Here, Natsuo is resistant to the idea of forgiving his father for all his sins just because he is more involved in their lives now. And Endeavour had been dreaming for a while about a Home where he is not present with the rest of the Todoroki's which ultimately gave him the idea of buying a house for the others to live in apart from him. This is HUGE. This is what actually drove Endeavour's Redemption home- the perfect understanding and the perfect compensation, the two elements of a brilliant Redemption Arc. NOT THE FORGIVENESS, just as Enji says it. It is NEVER ABOUT THE FORGIVENESS.

Endeavour understood that it was his presence that caused his family distress, and although he dearly wanted to be a part of his family again, was even making efforts towards it by being cordial and accepting of Shouto's friends, inviting them to a family dinner, etc. etc. Endeavour realized the only way he can compensate/atone was to give up something that would cause him suffering, and them happiness. The idea that your family doesnt want you, when you just started to show some effort and HOPE that they might see you in different light, maybe forgive you and then to just terminate those ties entirely, punting yourself into a void where NO ONE CAN COME IN AND SAVE YOU FROM YOUR SUFFERING, is exactly what Endeavour did. He is actively shutting down the ONE window through which his family could see that he was suffering, and miserable, and wanted to be a part of the family again. Endeavour CHOSE to not be forgiven. To writhe with the knowledge of his sins day in and day out with only the shrine of Dabi Touya to haunt him every waking minute.

I cannot explain just how much determination it takes to do that, man. It's just- WOW.

Excuse me for ranting on Endeavour in a bkdk post, but I swear this has a point. And All Might says this the best:

This is the fanlation, the official release (which I couldnt get my hands on) also mentions that "When I meant you were like Endeavour, I meant the Change"

This here is an important bit that AM has caught onto.

In the 252 panel, where Endeavour says 'It's not like I want forgiveness' (Because Endeavour understands he cannot be, should not be, forgiven) "I just want to make up for everything I have done" (and to back this up, Endeavour shuts down the one communication link that could have offered him forgiveness, and thus salvation from the weight of his sins and his guilt)

Katsuki understood Endeavour's idea of redemption very well here, although he might not be shown with that light-bulb moment. He may have already known this wayyy before Endeavour said anything, but those words lent a solidity and to the path he must persue to acheive redemption: And it's Not forgiveness.

Let me tell you why I think Atonement is the greater factor here, even greater than Redemption itself. Redemption has an end-point: Forgiveness. But Atonement doesn't. Atonement has no expiry date. Atonement is purely propelled by the understanding of self, and the weight of guilt the self bears, whereas a Redemption is All About The Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is an external force, it may or may not be given to you and that is completely up to the person who has been wronged. Atonement is self-imposed, it is a meditation of the soul to forgive itself against the guilt it carries.

If Redemption is a marathon with a banner at the finish line, Atonement is trying to drag a twenty pounds of rocks through the Sahara desert without water, food or a compass- it's endless, hopeless.

And this is why Atonement is greater than Redemption.

And do you think someone as stubborn as Kastuki will ever find himself atoned of his deeds? No. And That, my friends, is The Point. In 252, when Endeavour says, "I dont want forgiveness" it's not just him saying it- it's also Katsuki. "I just want to make it upto you", is also Katsuki.

And to prove it, Katsuki will never ask for forgiveness. A verbal apology will be nice, sure. Especially since dumb-ass, gay-ass, 'Kacchan-sugoi' ass Izuku Doesn't even See it as Atonement. He is just #Blessed that Kacchan and he can talk almost-naturally again. And that is also Katsuki's intention- because the moment Izuku knows, he won't be able to atone this way anymore.

So, as much as I HATE to say this, the chances of a voluntary verbal apology are slim. If allowed to go on like this, Kacchan with continue to shadow Izuku through his life, worrying about him, LOSING SLEEP OVER HIM :

LOOK AT THOSE BAGS UNDER HIS EYES. /*shoves panels in yo face*/LOOK

Can you believe this bitch-ass gremlin who goes to sleep at 8:30 got bags just from stressing over his Deku??????

LOOK AT HIM DOING A HECCIN' MAJOR KOKORO-STOPPING CONCERN.

(He is flipping his shit because he worries, and he worries so much, and has worried for him for a long LONG time.)

- Katsuki will continue on this path of being Izuku's support.

Forever if it takes.

Forever, he hopes, it takes-

Because the only way he will stop is in death, either his own or Deku's.

This is his Atonement: To undo everything he once did, to support Izuku's dream instead of squashing it; To help him get stronger instead of perpetuating the narrative on his weakness; To protect him from all harm, when he once hurt; To be on his side when the whole world is against him, because once he was all, but, for him; To save Izuku as he wins, to win as he saves.

And, To deny each oppurtunity of forgiveness even as he desperately longs to be unburdened of his guilt.

Because Katsuki knows:

He knows Izuku is that one of a million, he is kind and humble and considerate and loving to a fault.

Katsuki knows that Izuku will forgive him in a heartbeat. That is just the kind of selfless, beautiful person he is.

Unlike Endeavour, who had no guarantee to forgiveness, Katsuki does. And that is what makes Katsuki's Atonement more powerful than Endeavour's. He recognizes it is in his grasp, just an arm's length away...

....Just an arm's length.

And Katsuki will deny himself that. Because he does not believe he deserves it. He hasn't atoned enough for it.

"Keep At Arm's Length"

He says. Because this is the critical distance between them. Not "Stay an arm's length away", because Katsuki doesn't wanna run away from Deku, and he doesn't want to be too far away to protect him, nor does he want to get too close to finally recieve the forgiveness that will give him salvation.

This is the fine balancing act Katsuki must maintain indefintely till he believes he has acheived his idea of atonement. (And when has he ever been happy just the bare minimum?)

I know I said Katsuki will never ask for forgiveness, and a voluntary verbal apology is very unlikely, because in it's very nature, it is inviting a forgiveness from Izuku, which we have established, Katsuki wants to avoid. And if this were any other manga, we would have been doomed to this conclusion. But, there is a scenario when Katsuki might issue a verbal apology and that is when Katsuki knows there isn't enough time to be forgiven in turn, or, hasn't atoned enough and can no longer continue to.

Like when Katsuki launches off, to deliver a final kamikaze blow to a villain, and he has only enough time to tell Deku a short "I am sorry", but not enough time to wait for a reply. Or when Deku is dying and at his final moments, when Katsuki knows however much he has atoned isn't enough and isn't how Deku should leave, without closure.

Whatever the future may hold, my dear readers, Katsuki still has a long, long way to go. And I hope to see him live through everything, to be there -

To survive these wars with Deku, To fight alongside him, To protect him. To win. To save.

To Live.

To hear Deku say "I had forgiven you a long time ago";

and ofcourse,

To forgive himself.

[fruitsrotten-a]

❥ ABOUT

hello mr.angry pants! long time no speak! when i first created you and pulled you from my creative womb, i had to pull out my illegally obtained copy of the dsm-5. now look at you, being all…semi-mentally stable and….having more empathy than i intended to portray in you as a writer. anyways, let’s look at how you’ve developed thus far. your entire childhood is just one big rough patch. shitty dad syndrome. rest in peace to your ever so kind and loving mother who gave all of the good parts on this list to you. guess you had to do some horrible things with those hands of yours as a kid. it doesn’t seem like you really ever got the chance to be…normal. but what’s normal these days anyways? sure it’s definitely not being the only born son of an alcoholic druglord. but! who needs normalcy? that’s boring. you dropped out in high school even though you were a senior. that was….an interesting choice. and perhaps the most interesting choice that im seeing here is the one you made to take your father’s life. things just got …..weird. or whatever. im more concerned about the fact that his men were willing to carry out your plan than anything else. they must have been more protective of you than even you realized. god bless the late men of the old gray cross syndicate. and may they never have to push another bag of rock again. but anyways….i dont wanna talk too much about all of the traumatic things anymore. there’s so many of them. the bruises are gone but the scars are still there, i think you get reminded of it all enough. i get why you’re angry. but i’m seeing so much more of you now. 

i see the good in you when i look at my clipboard. the concerned and giving heart. its true that the only thing you ever learned was how to be a master of manipulation. but even behind your forceful administration there is an admirable effort to help kids, help people, that remind you of yourself. like when you found ren cowering in the back of a trafficking truck. phoenix in the midst of a shootout. jace on the park bench. you might have had the worst of things in mind for them down the line. but tell me the truth, you wanted to protect them didn’t you? the same way you wish that someone to protected you growing up. i happen to think that’s sweet of you. you softie. even if you are somewhat of an asshole. actually, a major asshole. looks like you’re also quite lonely. pet snakes don’t exactly keep mammals warm company at night. that probably explains all the one night stands with whoever comes your way. you can lowkey chill out on that. it’s like you don’t give anyone a chance? open up just a little, it would probably be really good for you. you also drink too much alcohol but im not worried because i know youd rather die than be like your dad. anyways, organized crime is definitely not your forever sir saros. i see such a future for you. each day you write in your freetime is a step towards that book about this crazy life you got, am i right? i can see you advocating for change once you uh…get over yourself and your current way of doing things. this has been a deeper conversation than expected. lets get into the questions and i’ll move forward.

what are you most proud of?

your sister? wow that’s….a…nicer answer than i expected coming from you. 

what are you grateful for?

the people around you, huh? you’re a classic found family trope motherfucker if i’ve ever seen one.

what are you afraid of?

a loss of control. i see that.

what do you love about yourself?

your adversity. agreed.

what are your non work related hobbies?

arts and crafts? that’s like super off brand but i can’t argue with it since the file says your mom taught you.

favorite color?

red like the color you rep. 

lastly, what are you passionate about?

evening the score in the world? uhm…i think you mean something like…equity or like…equality but like…i digress.

i ask every muse this. what animal would you be?

a snake. got it. will watch out.

[itsstrawberrymochi]

I WAS WONDERING IF U COULD DO ANOTHER REQUEST BC I LOVE UR WRITING ☹️ u dont have to tho —

Um can i request obanai , sanemi & Kokushibo with a s/o who has mysophobia —

( i have mysophobia sadly )

THANK YOU IN ADVANCE !! ♥️♥️

Kny characters x Mysophobia reader

Mysophobia

(n) extreme or irrational fear of dirt or contamination.

Please note this is a modern au headcanon sorry but it’ll be harder to do this in their time period

Obanai

He was a bit mean about it first, he found it weird because it’s just dirt right?

You’ll have to explain to him it’s not something you can control even if you wanted to

He felt really bad for being a jerk so now as a sorry he always makes sure you feel clean and comfortable

Since this is a modem au Obanai he’ll always carry wipes, hand sanitizer, Lysol spray etc so you’ll always feel clean

When in public he is going to open every door for you so you don’t ever have to touch a single handle

If you two are in a restaurant he’ll always properly wipe and sanitize the booths or tables before you sit

People would look at you and laugh whenever you shudder at dirt or how you clean everything, he’ll throw them a death glare or mummer an insult and it always shuts them up

If you guys go in a public area and no matter how much you wipe the seats you still don’t feel like they’re clean he’ll put his jacket on the seat so you can sit on it instead if the actual seat or let you sit on his lap he’s not one for PDA but this is fine

He’s also very considerate, he won’t take you on dates he knows a lot of people would be, since most public areas have a lot of germs. His dates would be having a movie night at home or a nature walk ( but not too much nature because that’s still dirt) and he doesn’t mind either since he’s pretty anti - social

When it comes to helping you get over the fear he’ll try and convince you the dirt isn’t really there and it’s all in your head, he’ll allow you to still clean the spot but after a few minutes of scrubbing he’ll tell you that’s enough and it’s clean now

Sanemi

He was actually chill about the whole thing

He didn’t find you dramatic or anything it’s an understandable fear

When you told him he just said

“ yea the world is damn disgusting”

You know how little kids probably have the most germs on them? so for whatever reason if a child is going to hug you or touch you Sanemi would straight up push them... ok maybe not a push but a little shove he likes kids and doesn’t want to hurt them 😭 just don’t touch his s/o with all your germs. It would be an aggressive push if it’s an older person tho

You see those cute little holders you put your hand sanitizer in and can attach to your bag? Yea he definitely buys your bunch of those

If you touched something nasty and you don’t have wipes or hand sanitizer he’ll go the ends of the earth to find you a sink and soap or anything to clean your hands

If someone who’s sick dare go close to you and coughs or sneeze bless their heart

Y/n- SANEMI! please stop hurting them they’re already sick

Sanemi- eh? Like I care they’re littered with germs and they went too close to you!

He does get annoyed when he sees you cleaning for too long, he just doesn’t like you worrying yourself over something like that

Tells you to stop but you if don’t the first time he tells you he’ll pick you up and carry you somewhere else

Kokushibo

At first glance it seemed like he didn’t give a crap about your phobia because when you told him he just shrugged it off but he actually does care and values your comfort and would do anything to keep you comfortable

To be honest he 100% agrees with your phobia and doesn’t see it as a problem nor weird

He agrees that the world is a disgusting place filled with diseases and germs that could make you sick and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to protect yourself from that but but but if your phobia does get a bit out of control he would intervene and try and help you

In order to see he actually wants to help you with your phobia you’ll have to squint real hard and pay close attention to his little ways like whenever he comes home from work or the public he wouldn’t dare touch or hug you until he gets rid of the dirty clothes he’s currently wearing and he takes a bath

He knows you hate germs and at this moment he’s probably be covered in it

He doesn’t tolerate people who are filled with germs to go close to you, since he’s a more mature type he’ll sternly tell them to go away

Like Obanai, he knows better than to take you on dates to places with a bunch of people because those are breeding grounds for germs, So it’s more outdoors dates like maybe going to a park on a picnic or the flower field because he remembers how much you love flowers

Whenever your hands feel nasty and you can’t find a sink he’ll pull a sanitary wipe out of his pocket and gently clean your hands for you, you’ll say it’s fine you can do it but he insists

thx for requesting again babes it really means a lot @igurowife ❤️ hope you liked this ^^