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stargazer-sims · 1 year

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Journal Entry #50

previously - Journal Entry #49 (part four)

Victor

It's Tuesday again.

I keep doing this, recording entries on Tuesdays. Unlike last Tuesday, nothing much happened today, but that's not to say I don't have news. Even if today wasn’t eventful, the weekend was.

I finally heard from Seiji. It took him until Sunday to reply to the multiple texts I'd sent him on Friday, but better late than never, as they say. What's going on with him will require some explaining, so let me come back to it, 'cause I'm sure you want to know how Yuri and I are doing too, right?

Right. Here comes the health update. There’s some good news and some not so good news.

Good news first; I'm feeling a lot better. It's like my body decided to kick itself into high gear and get some serious healing done since Friday. I’m still getting headaches, but they’re not nearly as intense as they were before, and the blurriness is completely gone from my vision now, which is super encouraging. Today, I didn't take any pain medication for my arms and rib, not even ibuprofen.

In hindsight, I think I probably should've had a little something in the afternoon, because my rib was hurting by the time I got back from spending several hours at the hospital with Yuri. The chairs in there aren’t particularly comfortable and it’s hard for me to sit for long periods of time. But, you know me. I was trying to be a tough guy about it.

My biggest problem right now isn't pain. It's that I'm restless and nearly bored out of my mind. I'm still not cleared for exercise, but I keep trying to sneak in some shoulder stretches and a bunch of leg work whenever I can. Normally, I'd be training, going to work, cooking and cleaning, and taking care of Yuri, but I can't do any of that at the moment and a guy can only take so much inactivity. I'm going kinda crazy with nothing to do.

As for Yuri, his progress hasn't been quite as good as mine. He's slowly getting better, but he's still in the hospital. It's been a whole week as of today, and I don't think he'll be getting out for at least another week.

He hasn't reached the stage where he's bored yet, probably because he's really weak and he's still sleeping a lot, but at least he's able to get out of bed on his own now. He was even up and walking for a few minutes this afternoon. I coaxed him to drink some water afterwards, which probably looked hilarious because I was holding the cup for him and I had to hold it between both hands while he sipped through a straw.

He's still not eating, unfortunately, so they're still giving him intravenous nutrition infusions. I'm sure he's capable of eating independently, but I think he's scared, and nothing anyone's said so far has been enough to motivate him to try.

Dr. Kasongo has already brought up the subject of tube feeding at home, but only with me because neither of us feel Yuri is ready for that conversation yet. Obviously, tube feeding will be an option of last resort, and we really don't want to frighten or upset him any more.

I’ll be honest, the idea upsets me too, not just because I hate the thought of how debilitating it’d be for Yuri, but also because I don’t think I grasped exactly how sick he is until I had that conversation with his doctor. Like, I’ve always understood that his illness is serious and chronic, but I don’t think I fully comprehended the magnitude of it, if that makes sense.

Dr. Kasongo is hopeful that we won’t have to go the tube feeding route, in any case. She’s certain Yuri will settle enough to start a liquid diet by mouth in another day or two, but I'm not sure it'll happen as soon as she imagines it will. Not without some kind of intervention, at least.

The nutritionist came to see him while I was there today, and he had a complete meltdown in front of her. It was pretty clear that he did not want to hear anything about the food plan she was suggesting for him once he's released from the hospital, and his solution was to dissolve into tears and ask her to leave. I think I've seen him cry more in the past week than in the entire duration of our relationship. Yuri hardly ever cries. He rarely shows any emotions really strongly for that matter, regardless of how he's feeling inside, and it's difficult to see him in such a vulnerable state.

The nutritionist told me she's going to ask the doctor to make a referral to a psychologist for him. I already know he's not going to like that, and I’m predicting he'll cause a scene over it, but I do think it's a good idea for him to speak to someone.

That having been said, I can also empathize with his reluctance. At first, I didn't want to talk to the psychologist Dr. Sato referred me to either, but now I actually kinda like him. The initial referral was supposed to have been to talk about the emotional effects of my accident, but I told him I can get over that by myself, so we discuss other stuff instead. I've talked to him about the death of my dad and sister, the stress of being the main caregiver for somebody with a chronic illness, and the challenges of being an immigrant.

He says I'm psychologically healthy and that I don't need long-term therapy. I agree one hundred percent, but having someone objective to confess all my doubts and insecurities to has really helped me feel a lot better mentally. I'm happy to have that support, to go along with the support I'm getting for my physical recovery.

We'll see how it goes with Yuri and his psychologist. I'm envisioning hysterical outbursts, but I'm sure one of us will let you know what happens for sure.

Okay, I guess now it’s time to tell you about Seiji and what happened on Sunday afternoon.

I'd been with Yuri for the morning on Sunday. Mom and Julian picked me up around noon, just after Yuri's grandmother arrived to visit with him. She had Yuki with her as well, so it was probably a good thing I was leaving. According to Yuri, the energy of me and Yuki together in a room can sometimes be a bit overwhelming for other people. The last thing he needed was to deal with that.

Anyway, Mom, Julian and I had lunch at my favourite sushi bar, which was kind of chaotic because neither of them knows how to use chopsticks and even though I'm a chopstick wizard, I can't use them right now either. We all ate with our fingers, which earned us a lot of disapproving stares. I think people were mostly staring at me because I was picking up pieces of maki with the fingertips of both hands together, but I didn't care.

Back at home, stuffed to the brim with salmon, eel, rice and vegetables, I was ready for a nap on the couch and was not at all expecting my phone to ring. When it did, I was startled out of my drowsy stupor, and nearly fell off the sofa. Then, I recognized Seiji's number on the caller ID and all thoughts of napping suddenly dissipated like mist.

I tapped the 'answer' icon on my phone's screen, and didn't even bother with hello.

"Hinamori-san! Where the hell have you been?" I demanded. "Sakura and I have been trying to reach you for days, you know."

"We're not on a first-name basis now, Nelson-san?" was his testy response.

"Really, Seiji? You ghost me for days, and you're annoyed with me?"

"Sorry.”

"Yeah, you should be."

"I wasn't ready to talk," he said. "I went out to the country, to my grandparents' estate, 'cause I just needed to get away for a while."

"What for?" I asked. "And why didn't you tell Masao you were going? Why didn't you tell Takahiro and Fox? Like, how do you leave town without even telling your best friend and his boyfriend?"

"I headed out when Taka was at work," Seiji confessed. "I left him a note."

"You... No, you know what? Never mind," I said. "Why did you need to get away. Did something happen?"

"Did something happen?" he repeated, his tone incredulous. "Dude, are you kidding me right now? How are you even asking that? Like, what do you think happened?"

"I... don't know." I said, perplexed.

"You're so stupid, Victor.” He sounded as though he meant it.

I did my best to force down the familiar sting of humiliation at hearing that. Kids at school used to call me stupid, and it’d always made me feel horrible. My inner child wanted to cover his ears and hide under the nearest desk so he could cry without drawing even more ridicule.

But then, a little voice in my brain that sounded very much like Sayuri Ishida's seemed to whisper, that's not true.

It really isn't true, and I need to keep reminding myself of it. Dr. Ishida had put that monster from my past to rest, once and for all, and I used her words like a shield in my mind. You have an eye condition called hyperopia. Your ability to read is normal. Your intelligence is above average.

“I’m not stupid,” I said, as calmly as I could manage. It was mostly for my own benefit, but still, I wasn’t interested In letting Seiji’s dig at me go so easily.

Seiji made a dismissive snorting noise. “Whatever. Must be the head injury, then.”

I pulled in a deep breath. "Seiji, listen. I really don’t know what you’re talking about. Can you please tell me what's going on? Me and Sakura and Masao have been worried about you.”

“Masao should know,” he said.

“Maybe, but Sakura and I don’t.”

Several seconds passed before Seiji finally spoke again. “Fine. I guess I owe you some kind of explanation. Can you… are you like, okay to go out? I don’t want to talk about it on the phone, but Taka said you’re in a wheelchair and…uh, you know…”

“I’m not in a wheelchair,” I said. “I had to use one for like, maybe three days after I got out of the hospital. That’s all.”

“So, you can go out?”

“Yeah, but you’ll have to come and get me if you want me to go somewhere with you. I’m not cleared to drive yet.”

"When's a good time?"

"Now? I'm not doing much, so whenever works for you, works for me."

"Okay," he said. "If you literally meant now, I can be there to pick you up in like, twenty minutes."

"That sounds good," I agreed. "That gives me plenty of time to grab some water and throw on a sweater."

You're at home, right?"

"I'm at home. See you when you get here."

He showed up about twenty-five minutes later, looking like he'd spent the week in a tent rather than living in luxury at his grandparents' sprawling country estate. His hair was a mess, there were dark smudges beneath his eyes, and he was moving like he was the one who was injured. He looked like he hadn't gotten more than a few hours sleep in the last several days.

"You look worse than I do," I commented, once we'd exchanged greetings.

"You look... surprisingly good," he remarked. He sort of nodded at my arms, where the bottom of my casts were peeking out past the ends of my slightly too-long sleeves. "You know, except for that."

"I'll be rid of these in a few more weeks."

"And then what? Back to the mountain?"

"Naturally," I said.

I couldn't interpret the expression that passed across his features. It didn't last long, but I hadn't missed it, and it could've been anything from disbelief to worry to disapproval. It could've been some combination of all three.

"Let's get going," he said, and although neither of us verbally acknowledged it, we both blatantly pretended the previous few seconds hadn't happened.

The car ride was weird. Normally, Seiji and I would be joking and laughing, listening to music a bit too loud, and talking about our favourite subjects. This time, we were silent, and the only sound in the car was Snowflake by Arashi, playing quietly on repeat.

Where we eventually ended up was in the valley, in Hanamigawa Park. The last time I'd been there was on Yuri's birthday, back in September. The park had been vibrant with colour then. Now, it was brown and grey and dismal, the last vestiges of winter not quite having given way to the tenuous first signs of spring.

We got out of the car, and I followed Seiji across the grass until we came to a bench.

"So...?" I prompted, after it felt like we'd sat there for at least five minutes, staring at our shoes.

"So, what?"

"About that explanation you owe me."

"Yeah." He scuffed the toe of his boot on the ground. "I've been thinking."

"About what?"

"I'm going to move to the city. Try to get a grown-up job. Maybe go back to college or something."

"What are you talking about?" I said. "Your job with the Recreation Association is a grown-up job. There's a lot of responsibility in teaching people how to ski and snowboard."

"It's not the kind of responsibility I want any more, if I ever did."

"What?"

"I quit," he said.

"You quit your job?"

"I quit everything."

At that, an awkward silence stretched between us for several seconds because I had no idea how to respond. I wasn't sure what he meant by 'everything'. I thought I could guess, but I didn't want to assume.

When the lull was starting to feel too long, I finally ventured, "Define 'everything'."

"Everything," he repeated. "I quit my job, I told Taka I'm moving out, and I'm hanging up my board. Masao already knows, so don't bother to ask if I've told him."

"You're not going to compete any more?"

"I'm not going to snowboard any more."

I stared at him. "Why?"

As if it were too difficult to hold my gaze, he looked away from me and began to fidget with his hands. "I can't do it any more," he said.

"But... why?"

"You know how people say the mountain is magical? That there's a guardian spirit?"

"Yeah."

"It's just a story," he said. "The mountain is nothing but a cold, dead rock, and it'll take everything from you with no regrets. With no feelings at all. I named my snowboard because, for some dumb reason, I let myself think it had some kind of spirit inside too, but you know what? It's just another lifeless object."

I had to admit that what he said was correct. From a purely factual standpoint, the mountain is rock and snow, and snowboards are just Fiberglas and wood or carbon, but I have to admit I like the idea of there being something more to them than that. I love the stories of the mountain spirit Yukimatsu and his beautiful sword Shirayuki, and I believe that Elsa is more than a piece of sports equipment. When Elsa and I are flying down the mountainside, I definitely feel something from her, and sometimes I imagine I can hear her singing.

"I thought you loved snowboarding," I said.

“Maybe I used to. Or maybe I still do, but it's like a toxic relationship that you can't seem to leave until it's almost too late. Like, you can't make yourself get out of it until it steals every last bit of hope and happiness you ever had."

"I don't understand," I said, because I really didn't.

"Do you know, I think I might've accidentally hurt Masao, trying to get to you when I saw you go down?" he said. "You know how tiny he is, and he was trying to hold me back."

"I didn't know," I said.

"If it wasn't for Fox, I probably would've..." He didn't complete the thought, but instead continued with. "Takahiro said I was literally screaming. The thing is, though, I don't remember. I don't remember Masao grabbing me, or me knocking him to the ground or... anything. All I could think was, you could be dying and the people you care about most wouldn't even be beside you."

"Obviously I didn't die."

"Yeah, but how were any of us supposed to know that at the time? You didn't see it the way we saw it. Masao said it looked like you could've broken your neck, and I... I couldn't handle losing somebody else like that."

It took a second for my brain to register what he'd just said. Somebody else. Had he seen another snowboarder go down like I had? Someone who hadn't been as lucky as me?

"Who...?" I began, but quickly closed my mouth because something told me I shouldn't pry.

But, it was too late to worry about it when Seiji started to answer anyway. "Didn't Yuri ever tell you about Tsubaki?"

I tried to recall if Yuri had ever mentioned anyone by that name. "I don't think so. Who is she?"

"I thought he told you everything," Seiji said.

"Apparently not."

"Tsubaki was our..." he trailed off, and then amended. "She was the woman I loved."

"Oh."

"She was our teacher in our final year of high school," he went on. "Me, Taka and Yuri were in the same class, so we all knew her. She wasn't that much older than us and most of the boys in our year had a crush on her, but for whatever reason, she liked me and Taka best. Maybe 'cause she was into snowboarding like we were."

"You went snowboarding with your teacher?"

"Not while she was our teacher," he said. "But, we all talked about it all the time, and we'd see her up on the mountain on the weekends."

I'd seen one of my high school teachers skiing on Granite Mountain once. It had felt strange and out of context to me, and I'd tried to pretend I hadn't even noticed him. But, regardless of my effort to ignore him, the rare sighting of my chemistry teacher outside his natural habitat had been enough to distract me, and it resulted in me getting yelled at by my coach at the time.

I'm sure I succeeded in forgetting about it almost immediately afterward, and I’d never even dreamed of bringing it up with him at school. I couldn’t help but winder what it would've been like to have a teacher like Tsubaki, who I could've geeked out about snowboarding with.

"Seems like she would've been a cool person to know."

"She was amazing," he said. "When we graduated, she said we could call her by her given name, and we became friends. We all used to hang out, me Taka, Yuri, Tsubaki and her best friend Mei. We went snowboarding together then, and we did other stuff like going on road trips or going to someone's place for a meal and to play games or watch movies. Or just talk. Tsubaki and I talked a lot."

"What happened?" I asked.

"With me and her?" he said. "She always told me that she didn't want to have a relationship with me, but towards the end, I felt like things were changing between us. She was starting to treat me less like a friend and more like... well, not a boyfriend exactly, but something deeper than snow buddies, you know?" He sighed. "Then everything... ended."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"Yuri really never told you about any of this? He never told you about Tsubaki's accident? How she..." He paused, closing his eyes. "How the mountain took her from me."

It was at that point when I realized Yuri actually had told me. I hadn't made the connection immediately because he hadn't gone into detail and hadn't used Tsubaki's name, and I hadn't wanted to press him for information. "He mentioned he had a friend who died in a snowboarding accident," I said. "We didn't talk much about it."

That figures. Yuri wasn't that close to her anyway." He gave a little shrug. "Yuri doesn't know how to be close to people.”

“That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it?”

“Are you saying he’s not close to you?” I asked.

“Dude, from where I’m standing, he’s not even all that close to you,” he said. “I mean, where the hell was he when you needed him? At work, and even when all of us were at the hospital with you and we were trying to call him, he ignored us. You know how many times Taka tried to reach him?”

“He was probably in a meeting,” I said.

“Why wasn’t he on the mountain with you? That’s where he should’ve been.”

"His job is important, Seiji. Besides, what happened probably would've happened anyway, even if he had been there.”

"That's not the point," Seiji said. "The point is, he doesn't care about anybody but himself. Why was it you and Sakura who were checking on me? He's supposed to be my friend."

"Sakura and I are your friends too," I reminded him. "Yuri couldn't check on you. He's been in the hospital since Tuesday."

"So what? He's too sick to send a text?"

"Yeah, as a matter of fact, he was." I met his gaze. "Are you seriously mad at Yuri because he didn't text you for a week?"

“I’m mad at him because he’s an asshole. Because he got someone he doesn’t appreciate or even deserve.”

“So, you’re not actually mad at him. You’re jealous.”

“Whatever,” he said. “I know you love him, but wouldn't it be better to love somebody who gives a shit about you? If you'd died out there, he would've just carried on with life as normal."

"No, he wouldn't," I said. "You obviously don't know him as well as you think you do, if that's what you believe."

"I know him well enough," he said. "I've never seen him shed a tear over anything or anyone. But you? You treat everybody like they matter, and you deserve at least that much in return."

"Everyone deserves to be treated like they matter because everyone does matter," I said. "Where are you even going with this?"

"You didn't have to come halfway around the world for Yuri. You could've stayed safe at home and had anyone you wanted.”

“I want Yuri,” I said simply.

"I don't know why. He's a crappy partner."

“Yuri loves me just as much as I love him, and he treats me like I matter," I said. "Maybe you’re convinced he’s a crappy partner because he wasn’t where you thought he should be, but that’s not how it works. We don’t get to script real life to our tastes. It just happens, and sometimes it sucks, and then we gotta figure out how to deal with it.”

“You think I don’t know that?"

"Do you?"

"My life has sucked for the last three and a half years," he declared. "Worse than yours, probably.”

“My life doesn't suck," I said. "There are parts of it that suck. Like, everything's not always easy or fun, but overall it's good, and I'm happy."

"Then, you're delusional." He got up abruptly and started to walk away. "This was a waste of time."

Stunned by the suddenness of his decision to leave, I stared at his retreating figure for several seconds. When I pulled my wits back into place at last, I had to run — contrary to doctor’s orders — to catch up to him.

"Seiji, wait!" I called. "We're not done."

He glared at me. “Yes, we are.”

"You said you were going to give me an explanation."

"I did. It's not my fault that you're too dumb to figure it out."

That was the precise moment in which I lost my temper. I think that if I could've grabbed him and shook him, I would have, but maybe it was a good thing I couldn't.

"I'm not dumb!" I yelled. "I'm sick and tired of everyone saying I'm stupid! I'm probably smarter than you, but I'm not a damn mind reader, so if you want me to understand something, then explain it in a way that makes sense!"

"Fine!" he said. "You want it in language your brain can handle? Here it is. I'm done pretending I'm okay. I don't want to be in this place, hanging around with people who remind me how useless I am and how much I've lost. I don't want to be on that damn mountain every day, thinking of her."

“But—”

"I can't keep running the risk of putting my parents through what her parents had to go through. What I had to go through. It's not worth it. I'd rather have nothing myself than to leave my family with nothing."

"But, there's lots of other stuff—" I began.

“There isn't," he said. "Snowboarding was the only thing I was good at. I’ve failed at everything else. Like, I was rubbish in school, and I was useless as a medic. I couldn’t even…”

“What?”

“There was only snowboarding, but you know what? Snowboarding fucking wrecked my life, Victor! There's no part that it didn't touch, and I can't fix anything now. All I can do now is protect the people I love, and try to forget it."

By the time he was done with this speech, he was crying. Evidently not wanting me to see that, he wiped his sleeve across his eyes so fiercely that I'm sure it must've hurt.

"Seiji—"

"Leave me alone," he said.

“You’ll never forget, you know.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You can go to the city if you want,” I said. “You can go to the other side of the world or a whole other planet, but you're never gonna outrun grief or anger or whatever. You might think you feel better for a while but there's really no place far enough away to escape from it."

"What the hell would you know about it?"

"You might be surprised by what I know about it," I told him. "But I'm not gonna give you a lecture. If you’re not ready, you wouldn't listen anyway.”

"I doubt you know about it like I do," he said.

"Maybe not exactly in the same way you do," I conceded. "But, you know what? I get what it's like when somebody who was the center of your world suddenly isn't there any more."

There was a lot more I could've said. I wanted to tell him I know what it feels like to think about someone every single day and picture how the future might've been different if they were still around. I often wonder about all the stuff Dad and Caroline and I might've said to each other, and all the ways I could've been a better person when they were alive, and how they'll never know what i learned because of them, and who I became because of them.

Tears were still leaking from Seiji's eyes, but he wasn't trying to hide them any more. As I watched, he stood there with his head bowed and whispered, "I couldn't save her. No one could."

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

He shook his head, but regardless of that, he started telling me anyway. "It was just a normal Saturday," he said. "I was working with Mountain Patrol, and my team got the call about an accident up on the expert run. I didn't know it was her until we got there. The advanced care paramedic on our team took one look at her and somehow he knew right away that her neck was broken. It was really bad."

"That had to have been a shock."

"They took her in a helicopter down to the hospital in the valley." He went on as if I hadn't spoken. "You know, to assess her and try to stabilize her. They might've rushed her to one of the big hospitals in Kyoto afterwards, but... there wasn't time. Her parents were in Tokyo, and there wasn't time for them to get here, either. Me and Taka were the only ones with her, and I don't know if she was aware of us being there, but I was holding her hand when she passed."

"I'm sorry," I said.

I thought about my mom. I hadn't found out until many years later that she'd been with my dad in the hospital when he passed and had been able to say goodbye to him one last time. Caroline had been killed almost instantly, so Mom didn't get that final goodbye with her, and I can't decide if that was a blessing or not.

I mean, I can't wrap my head around how terrifying and soul-shattering it'd be to hold your baby as she took her last breath. Watching your partner die would be devastating enough, but losing a child...? And my mom had to suffer through both. The pain she felt must've been immeasurable, making even mine seem minor in comparison.

I don't know how she handled it. I don't know how she survived it. I think if something happened to take Yuri away from me, I'd die too, of a broken heart. Or maybe I wouldn't literally die, but I'd wish to stop existing if he wasn't by my side.

I had to resist the urge to hug Seiji as he stood there crying. His whole body was visibly rigid, and I knew he wouldn't want me to touch him. Takahiro probably would have if he were there, but Taka the compulsive hugger could get away with it and Seiji might even relax enough to reciprocate. In fact, Taka is the only person I've ever seen give Seiji a hug that didn't look unnatural or uncomfortable. Had Seiji always been that way, or had his trauma caused him to change?

He swiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. "Sorry," he mumbled. "I shouldn't have told you all that."

"It's okay. You must've needed to say it."

"Maybe. It was just... that thing you said. About somebody being the center of your world? She was, you know. She would've been, for the rest of our lives. I would've taken care of her, and I think we would've been happy, but... None of that's gonna happen now."

"Have you ever talked about this with anybody before?" I asked.

"Only Taka," he said. "He's the only one who understands. Everybody else thinks it's ridiculous 'cause we weren't even in a relationship."

"A friendship is a relationship. So what if you weren't her boyfriend? That doesn't mean it should hurt less."

"You don't think I'm like, being dramatic or whatever?"

"Why should I think that?" I said. "I don't have the right to tell you how you're supposed to feel or what your grief is supposed to look like, do I? Maybe you're like Yuri and you hardly ever cry for anything, no matter how destroyed you feel, or maybe you're like me and you cry over every little thing, or maybe you're somewhere in between. It doesn't matter. It's all valid."

"Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me for letting you feel however you feel."

"Yeah, I do. Most people would judge me for it."

"I'm not into judging other people for their feelings," I said. "I've got plenty of my own that I'm busy judging myself for."

"You shouldn't. Like, if you can tell me my feelings are okay, you can tell yourself that."

I offered him what was probably a lopsided smile. "I'm working on it. My psychologist says I have to stop creating burdens for myself."

"You're seeing a therapist?"

"Yeah. Unbelievable, right? My doctor referred me to him after my accident, but we've been talking about everything. He's helping me get perspective."

"Perspective," Seiji repeated, as if he were contemplating it.

"You know," I said. "Like how some stuff in your life seems so big and overwhelming, you don't know how you're supposed to deal with it? Sometimes you have to break the situation down and manage it bit by bit."

"Like learning a trick," he said.

"Exactly. Remember when you first learned to ride? There were probably lots of people around you doing all kinds of crazy tricks, and you couldn't even do an ollie yet. Now, you're the one who's flying, but you had to build up to it, one skill at a time."

"So, how am I supposed to do it?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "Maybe start off with figuring out what's really going on in your head. Like, are you sad or angry or scared, or what? And then... I don't know. Ask yourself exactly why. Like, if you're angry at a specific person, or you're scared about a certain thing."

He nodded. "I guess that makes sense. But... do you think I need professional help for that?"

"Maybe? I'm probably the last person you should ask about that. I didn't even know I needed professional help until I was getting it."

"But, it's working, right?"

"Yeah, but it's not magic. You have to want to get your shit together before you can get your shit together, and you have to work at it."

"Good to know."

"Listen," I said. "Everything's gonna be okay. It may take a while, and it might not look exactly how you wanted it to, but it eventually does get better."

"Thanks."

This time, I could feel my smile in my entire face. "You're welcome, but give credit to Yuri, too. He taught me that."

"Yuri taught you optimism?"

"He taught me about resilience," I said. “That’s better than optimism.”

“How so?”

"’Cause it’s realistic. And it’s honest.”

“I see how optimism can be unrealistic.”

“Resilience is sort of like body armour,” I said. “Having it on doesn't mean nothing ever hurts you. Sometimes it hurts like hell, but you get through it and you survive, and eventually the pain isn’t so bad any more. Yuri's constantly showing me that, whether he realizes he is or not."

"Okay," was all he said in response.

He started walking again, in the direction of the park gates. I fell into step beside him, and the quiet between us this time didn't feel quite so fraught.

When we reached the place where we'd left his car, I asked, "What are you going to do now?"

"Take you home, I guess," he said.

"I meant in general."

"Oh." He shrugged. "I don't know. I'm going to Kyoto tomorrow. I've got a couple of appointments to view apartments. Do you want to come?"

"So, you're definitely moving?"

"I guess so."

"What kind of job do you think you'll get when you move there?"

"Does it matter?"

"Not really," I said. "I was just curious."

"I'll probably end up in a convenience store," he said. "But, I was training to be a paramedic before, so I might be okay at taking care of sick people at home or something. And I like kids, so maybe I'd do all right working in a daycare. Or tailoring. I learned how to draft patterns and sew from my mother, so I could probably do that."

"I didn't realize you were training to be a paramedic. When you said 'medic' before, I thought you meant you had the certified mountain rescue course. The advanced first aid one."

"I do have that certification," he said. "But, I was in college for paramedicine. After she... after Tsubaki died, I dropped out because couldn't handle it any more."

"How far did you get?"

"Not very far. I finished the first in-class module, and Mountain Patrol was my first part-time clinical placement. That was it." He made a face that might've been self-disgust. "Useless, right?"

"Not necessarily," I said.

"What?"

An idea was starting to form in my head, but I didn't want to say too much to Seiji until I'd had a chance to talk to Yuri about it first. "You think you could drop me off at the hospital instead of at my house?"

"I'll drop you off anywhere you want," he said. "But, what'd you mean?"

"About you quitting college?"

"Yeah."

"There might be more options for you than snowboarding or working in some dodgy convenience store in the city."

"Right."

"I'll come with you to Kyoto tomorrow," I said.

He frowned at me. "You've got some kind of ulterior motive, don't you?"

"Maybe."

"You're trying to convince me not to move."

"No, I'm not trying to do that. If you want to check out the opportunities in Kyoto, there's no reason not to. All I'm saying is that you might want to go there with something better in mind than working at a convenience store. Like, if you're serious about home care or child care, maybe try it out and see if you like it before you take off to the city and commit yourself to a lease and everything."

"You think I should do that in Mt. Komorebi?"

"Think of it as a safety net," I said. "Stay home for a bit longer, try some different stuff and find out what you really want. Then go off and chase your dream, whatever it is."

"What if I really don't want to stay here?" he said.

"Nobody can force you to stay. All I'm saying is, before you leave, make sure you're deciding and not just reacting."

"Okay," he said. "But I still feel like you're up to something."

"I'll tell you about it tomorrow," I said.

"I'm not going along with it, whatever it is."

"You don't have to go along with it, but you should at least wait to hear what it is."

He drew back his arm as if he were going to punch me, but only flicked my shoulder instead. "You're a massive pain in the ass, you know."

"Yeah," I said. "I hear that a lot, but for some reason, people love me anyway."

"I hate you," he growled, but I knew he wasn't being serious. "Get in the car, Nelson. Wouldn't want to keep you from your pain in the ass other half."

"You didn't really mean what you said about him before, did you?"

If I was expecting an apology or a retraction, I would've been disappointed.

“Some of it,” Seiji said. “He is an asshole, and you seriously could've done better, but if you're happy..." He raised his hands in a gesture that seemed to indicate there was no further comment he could offer. "Anyway, you can tell him I'll come by and see him in a day or two. I'll make Taka and Fox come too, if they haven't been there yet, and I'll bring daifuku mochi. The strawberry kind."

"He's not eating," I said.

"Since when has Yuri ever said no to strawberry mochi? Me and Taka have literally seen him too weak to sit up, and he’d still be lying there demanding a little bite of our strawberry mochi. It's his all-time favourite. That, and tinned peaches, but they're probably already on the lunch menu at the hospital."

"How do you—"

"Just tell him," Seiji said, "And tell him I'll even feed him if he needs me to. Oh, and also tell him to expect a huge piece of my mind for what he did to you. He had no business abandoning you like that, and he definitely has no business taking you for granted. Actually, having somebody as devoted to his pathetic little ass as you are, he should consider himself the luckiest person in the universe."

I didn't show it on the outside, but inwardly, I was both relieved and amused. It might not be an apology, but I figured this was as close as Seiji would get to saying he still considers Yuri his friend.

Even if I hadn't liked hearing what he'd said about my husband, I couldn't blame Seiji for being upset. From Seiji's point of view, maybe Yuri's behaviour after my accident had looked horrible and uncaring, but Seiji hadn't seen him in my room with me immediately after. He hadn't heard the pain and guilt in Yuri's voice when he told me over and over that he was sorry, and he hadn't seen how hard Yuri worked to help me at home when he really should've been resting himself.

"I'll tell him," I said. "I think he'll be glad to see you."

"Yeah, whatever." He opened the passenger door for me, and I climbed into the car. A moment later, he slid into the driver's seat. "I'm leaving for Kyoto at eight in the morning. You'd better be up and dressed when I get to your place."

"Don't worry," I assured him. "I'll be ready."

((More about Seiji & Tsubaki from a different perspective, for anyone curious))

#ts4 #sims 4 #eagames #snowy escape #victorsworldadventures #victor nelson #seiji hinamori #tw death #dw accident #tw illness #tw chronic illness #tw hospital #tw trauma #tw therapy #stargazersims

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golisopod-mutual · 1 month

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I think another sucky thing abt realizing NOW that I'm autistic is knowing all the shit in my past that my parents' approach to was 'suck it up and get over it, you'll be fine' was in fact. Symptoms of my autism like meltdowns and stuff. And I probably needed more support than I got. Ig on the bright side, I'm really really good at having a meltdown and pushing myself to keep going anyways. But it kind of feels bad that I'm only good at that because that was my only choice for 25 years. AND if this had been caught sooner, high school and college could have been totally different for me. Maybe with the right support I wouldn't have had multiple meltdowns daily in highschool and tried to kms. And maybe I wouldn't have dropped out of college after it all became too overwhelming. Idk. My parents were doing what they thought was best so I'm not saying this to slight them. It just. Sucks a little in hindsight to know I needed help I wasn't getting and had no choice but to push through shit.

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exit-path · 1 year

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Yes, I'm confirming it now, I did go to Stuyvesant High School.

hi guys, today's my brother's birthday, everyone wish him a happy birthday. anyways i really didn't have a reason to make this post, but here goes.

if you don't know what stuyvesant high school is, that's fine, you don't need to. if you do know what it is, then great, you'll know how prestigious it is. i already hinted at this in my aug 2022 post, but here's an official confirmation.

and i'm surprised no one realized sooner. the path traced out in this post perfectly lines up with the area around the school. and the photos in this post were literally taken from inside the school.

one thing i valued really highly was my ability to balance both my school life and my tumblr blog (i'm surprised i managed to do so in hindsight). the 2020 pandemic definitely made it easier, as my 10th and 11th grade years were now spent in front of a screen where i could be online all day.

i graduated as a pretty average student academically, although the one thing i regret is not utilizing the available resources as well as i could've.

the reason i had a public meltdown on tumblr in jun 2022 is because i was scared to make much the same post you're reading right now. i was going to college and couldn't stay active online for much longer, and i wanted to do a face reveal and quit tumblr for good (the quote "you either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain" greatly informed my actions during this time).

but many months have passed since then, i've been allowed time to reflect, and i realized that– i'm not a two-dimensional character. i don't die at the peak of my fame. i'm still alive.

i still hold the value of an education in high regard, though that may sound cheap coming from someone who poured hours a day into an online fandom. it's just... my story is one you can learn from, not one to be replicated. stay in school.

will i be returning to using this blog regularly? probably not. i realize there's nothing here for me to have fun doing anymore, and mineblr is a shadow of its former glory—no matter now much i wish for it to be otherwise.

maybe i'll reconsider when deltarune ch. 3 comes out. or if minecraft has a second renaissance. or if the GD community takes off here, or better yet, if update 2.2 comes out. or if the walten files ep. 4 comes out. could you imagine that?

anyways, i'll leave you with a few additional fun facts you might not have known:

the minecraft server from this reblog (OP is sketiana) and elaborated on in these posts was actually the Stuyvesant Minecraft Coalition server

i appeared on my school website's home page one time, wearing my halloween costume.

if you ever visit the school, you can find a poster i made on the 4th floor (on the wall behind the escalator). it has my sideblog sona on it

one final request, please don't use my real name or do anything with my real face. also, please don't try anything that could jeopardize my real-life location. i know i'm operating on an honor system here, but i genuinely mean it. everything i willingly shared was because it was a story too important to pass up.

i hope i've tied up all loose ends. thank you, and i'll catch you on the flipside.

#peysi talks #personal #stuyvesant #specialized high schools

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ask-will-and-nico · 6 months

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"Holy shit. Did you say anything?" She asked. "Oh yeah. He denied the whole thing, he said he'd had a panic attack, and then took a nap. Now, I've never had a panic attack, but I'm pretty sure a little nookie would help one recuperate. Will had even mentioned something about a kiss on the phone, before I left." Lou was floored. "Oh. My. God. I wish I was there so I could see all this in person. I've gotta tell Piper!" Cecil scoffed. "Why? She's just a spoiled little rich girl." Lou rolled her eyes. "Well, yeah, but she knows a lot about this kind of stuff. Maybe she can give you some pointers on where to go from here!"

“What do you mean where to go from here?” Cecil asked. Did Lou not hear him right? “They’re, like, a thing now. Probably. Or friends with benefits or something like that,” he explained. Cecil’s watch buzzed with an incoming call, and he frowned when he saw it was Will. “Hang on, Will’s calling me. Did you text him already? Probably wants to share the details. That guy always kisses and tells,” Cecil said with a snort. “Yeah, I did,” Lou replied. “Tell me everything after he does!” She shouted as Cecil ended the call. He grinned as he slid the button to accept Will’s call. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t the man himself,” Cecil said. In hindsight, maybe he was a bit too cocky in just assuming Nico and Will had hooked up. Maybe then he could’ve avoided getting yelled up and down by Will. Maybe Nico really had had a meltdown instead of jumping Will. But at the time, Cecil was so positive that Nico and Will hooked up, he hadn’t even given it a second thought.

#asks #mini fic 9

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wolftracked · 8 months

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@atlantianfell

elias came around town quite a lot. it wasn't long, meaningful visits everywhere he went, but due to him being one of very few it specialists in new haven, it was safe to say he never quite not had another appointment coming up. nevertheless, he tended to focus on the big ones. the big fish, the important faculties - before the mortals. so to say. the infrastructure in new haven when it came to communication was rancid at best & elias was the one who had to deal with the consequences.

his tracking system for the travelers had given him an idea for a future set up for the town, but given that he needed magical assistance for that - he'd pushed that on the back burner for the time being & solely focused on getting everybody at least decently upgraded. he'd started with the police station a few months back, which - in hindsight he regretted, because now ... after patrick... he felt awkward setting foot in the place again. sure, they were friends.. still, but he couldn't help the pang in his heart whenever they met.

patrick at least had a chance to find what he desired in his fox, but elias? that ship sailed & crashed into an ice berg months ago. with trenton all over him most of the time, he had only little hope to find another alpha willing to put up with him them, too. maybe one day he'd see you for what you are. but elias doubted trenton could love. this mother nature the travelers so firmly believed in must've forgotten to connect trenton's heart with his brain - or else elias couldn't fathom why it would beat in his chest & yet be entirely useless the rest of the time.

regardless of his issues at home, another important location seemed to have found itself with a communicational error. elias had been over two days in a row to get them back on track, had met ...interesting personalities - especially a very handsome time traveler who had seemed rather interested in his ass him. he could've asked for his number, but he didn't. he could've left his private number with him, but he didn't. mistakes were made.

so ... a few days later, elias was .. back.. to linger around the fire station, an excuse on his lips for when he was discovered on the premises, which happened rather promptly. "hi, uh, yeah - yep. it's been a few days, figured i should uh, you know, check the system files again. see if there's any error messages hinting at another meltdown." & so he was taken back inside, in the company of two very handsome firefighters, only to be - once again, presented with the other firefighter that caught his gaze the first time around. "sooo, system's been running okay? thought i'd come check before it crashed again." his excuse? the firestation needed communications to be working. yep. was that the excuse he'd use if asked why he picked an exceptionally tight white button-up this morning to go with the usual dark suit slacks? probably.

#atlantianfell #atlantianfell \ 001 #elias x hector

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fandomwave · 1 month

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TCOAAL Update!

You know the drill, don't give yourself hives But for the rest of the freaks lets goooooooo:

I can't even begin to unpack why this is happening lmao but I adore the fact that Andrew fucking hates the concept of camping so much he has to convince himself there are other people out there who willing chose to do this. If I had to take a crack in the dark I'd say they probably ran out of cash to pay for a hotel, that's the easiest answer in my brain but these two are fucking stupid your honor so it could be the worst trap they have ever laid for their next victim.

MY FUCKIN GIRL! HOW DARE? A lot of people have said we don't see Ashley cry before but we do see one instance in the car, when Andrew threatens her after she continues to press her boundaries by calling him Andy, she is genuinely pretty distraught there. In my (frankly upsettingly exhausting) notes (that I still have no way of sharing without posting 30 essays) Ashley and Andrew start to REALLY see what their relationship will look like if they continue doing nothing to actually change their dynamic. Ashley realizes that by sticking with Andrew, his condition in choosing her is that she stops being who she is, or Andrew will forcibly stop her (with violence). Andrew is starting to realize that if he continues controlling Ashley this way he will in fact single-handedly kill whatever joy is left between them. He realizes he needs to give Ashley the room to prove him wrong in that he CAN trust her. I note that moment in the car as the real start of the coin flip between them, on if they end up down the Burial or Decay ending. If Andrew continues to double down, THIS is their relationship forever till death. Wherein eventually Andrew will act out and kill her. However... He can chose to be better, to settle down and let Ashley prove she's not Leyley anymore, that she's a fully capable adult. You can see that shift during their stay in their parents homes too. Andrew is far more playful and affectionate, we get a peak into what things COULD be between them if Ashley and Andrew just showed a little most trust in each other.

ANYWAYS All this to say that I think this is for sure a scene from Decay. It could be burial but from the way Andrew shifts his entire demeanor I can't imagine he'd go out of his way to hurt her this bad emotionally (I put the smallest caveat here to say that he COULD potentially freak the fuck out after their uh... *cough* tussle in the hotel. It would not surprise me post nut he has a cosmic meltdown which would leave Ashley feeling like this) But I could see Decay Ashley starting to understand just HOW full of shit Andrew is. We know with the hindsight of the player just how... uh... affectionate Andrew is towards Ashley. I still posit that Ashley cannot understand the difference between Romantic, Platonic and Familial love, but we KNOW Andrew can. We're well aware Andrew knows his affections for Ashley cross a line but he still doesn't STOP himself from flirting with that line. I imagine the further Andrew doubles down in his convictions in Decay, that Ashley is just a burden he needs to take care of and to stifle to the point of suffocation (literally) to make sure neither of them end up in trouble, the further those cracks start to show. Ashley probably learns just how much Andrew wants her back and probably for even LONGER than she's felt that, only to realize that he's more willing to kill her first than to entertain that concept? I'd also be on the floor in tears. Her realizing the full breadth of Andrew's bullshit would probably be devastating lbr

And finally the video of Andrew in whatever this is. We already know that Andrew was the one to summon Lord Unknown (it wasn't till he started helping that he showed up) and we also know he's marked with the eye symbol on his hand, which could be from holding the talisman but it could also be something that resided in him much longer. Even ??? is slightly.. hesitant around Andrew, and we can infer that the black soul with the horns (bunny ears), green eyes and text, is probably also Andrew, meaning he is just as big a Tar Soul as Ashley is. It'll be interesting to see if this is an actual event that took place in reality, or if this is part of the dream-scape/demon-scape. The red flowers only seem to show up in that space so it seems odd to have them show up here, and from prior updates it looks like there is a LOT of history building for Andrew happening in that realm. Something that I am DYING to know is if the red flowers are symbolic only for Ashley or if they are in fact deeply rooted to Andrew. It would make the scenes with Ashley being guided by these flowers, as well as her temper-tantrum towards them oh so much more interesting.

I've seen a few people mention that Ashley screams off camera causing Andrew to run towards the sound, but from what I heard that 'scream' sounds a LOT like the demonic growl that comes from Lord Unknown and ??? (and Mrs Graves that ONE time but comedy doesn't care for consistency) Which makes me wonder if this is actually taking place in reality or not.

Big food for thought! I cannot WAIT to see what actually happens and I'll be thrilled to be proven wrong or right on these theories :D

#tcoaal #Reeks of Folgers

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zeroar · 9 months

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So brainspotting is pretty flipping rough – Session 01

First session today. Afterwards, I felt like how they describe the marathon that is a karuta tournament in Chihayafuru. Need to plan to bring sugar or chocolate from now on for aftercare recovery. It was very similar to how the aftermath of a meltdown feels sometimes for me (I'm also autistic).

If you don't know what it is, brainspotting is a PTSD treatment that apparently developed from EMDR—Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing—that was described to me as a less-intense process than that. The tentative plan is to start with this and eventually move to full EMDR if needed.

It doesn't have the literature behind it yet that EMDR has, but I can verify that, anecdotally, it definitely does something. Can't say what that something is just yet and the overanalyzing, hypervigilant, raised on "mind over matter"–Me feels somewhat miffed that it is addressing the physiology of my trauma instead of just "figuring out the answer" ... though I suppose if an answer could have been figured out by now...

It was also slow and had a painful (for me) lack of stimulation ... presumably by design.

Anyway, I don't want to get hopeful, and I'm also scared that addressing my trauma this way (if it works) will set me up for more trauma ... though it's not like my current state of constant danger / runaway autonomic response is doing me much good, if any.

Oh, since this is my first post on the topic, I'll describe what my treatment was like from my POV and understanding. The basic idea seems to be that when recalling memories there is a connection between specific "spots" our eyes move to and spots in our brain. So the process starts with recalling trauma/uncomfortable memories, focus in on the tension and feeling in the body as a gauge, and then follow a pointer with my eyes, using the feeling in the body to find a location where the tension is strongest. Some purportedly calming meditative music track starts playing while staring at the spot/point where the tension is.

I was advised to let my mind wander while staring, but I don't know if the idea is to disassociate that "brain spot" from the trauma by having wandering thoughts or if it was some allistic (non-autistic) idea of "wandering" and it didn't matter what I thought of while staring or what. I had a very difficult time maintaining my sight on the spot, partially due to having a lazy eye and also because my thoughts were "wandering" to the memory of trauma. I kept having to close my eyes and refocus on the point and every time was like pushing into the tension. I stared at the spot for ten minutes in silence (well, music was playing), then my therapist moved the pointer to a different spot and I stared there for some additional amount of time.

The amount of relief I felt, both mentally and physically, from staring at a different spot was unexpected. It was so distinct from being in the tension spot. That was when I was like, oh, this is definitely something.

Then I went back to staring at the tension spot. I think for another ten minutes. Then coming out of that spot, finally, following the pointer down and closing my eyes and having my eyes closed while focusing on breathing for a few minutes. I thought I was going to fall straight asleep at that point and I honestly might have dozed off briefly.

Afterwards, I was unsteady, mentally exhausted, and physically drained. I probably shouldn't have driven as quickly as I did and in hindsight I feel like I should have done some sort of physical activity to reconnect my brain with my body (such as a walk around the block or something).

It seems like the idea is the brain silos those memories with those spots, but again, I dont know if the idea is to reinforce the silo or to break down the wall of it. I anticipate the ideal solution is probably different for different people and maybe even for different memories of trauma for the same person. There's so much people just don't know about the brain.

My layperson intuition is it seems like the idea is to trigger the trauma physiologically, then mentally go elsewhere while maintaining the physical connection to the trauma. From this, it seems like EMDR would be the reverse? I.e., mentally trigger the trauma while physically going elsewhere (at least via vision).

I need to clarify what having my thoughts wander means next time. Although, it's possible that the right answer isn't known because it's too nebulous/vague at this point in the research.

I know everytime I closed my eyes to refocus on that spot it brought me back though. If you want my mind to wander I need to look around. We weren't even doing any of what I consider my more major traumatic events, today.

My thoughts just kept going back to things like my childhood pair(?) of footie pajamas that child-Me could wear to be covered from neck to toe. I wondered why child-Me kept so still and quiet, being afraid to breathe while lying there. Remembered being scolded for having my eyes open and not going to sleep.

... it was a lot.

I've mostly been in bed since getting home. I'm still pretty drained. If it was colder I'd be under my weighted blanket. My therapist advised that I'd be drained and said to not feel like I have to push through it. But it was just staring and thinking.

I will add that it didn't feel like ruminating because I couldn't escape inside my head. It had a bit of that circularity or being penned in like ruminating sometimes feels like, but having to stare at the same point was like poking at a wound more than racing in a panic or working myself up.

So yeah, thanks for reading. I'll keep writing as I go but I think that's good for today. It's just the first week for me here.

#ptsd treatment #actually autistic #neurodivergent #neurodiversesquad #actually ptsd #brainspotting

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abbaswift · 1 year

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hi. i was just looking through your blog and realised that you’re autistic. i suspect i might also be autistic, so i wonder how your diagnosis went. at the moment, it is not possible for me to get an official diagnosis (financial issues lol), so if it’s okay for you, what were some of the signs/symptoms you noticed?

hi anon! autism was first talked about when i was about eleven and i was diagnosed when i was fourteen

i don’t remember a lot about my diagnosis (i refused to even speak ha) or why autism was suspected so can’t help you much there unfortunately. i think the doctor asked my teachers and relatives and diagnosed me based on that

family and teachers became aware of my issues because i wasn’t attending school, and was well behaved at school but very avoidant (i have a demand avoidance profile), there were a lot of “quirky” childhood stories that in hindsight make sense, i was very exact and literal about things (like if people say something will take a minute, i’d count to sixty and get upset if it wasn’t exactly sixty seconds). i was very particular about grammar rules from a young age (….believe it or not….) and i hated change and eye-contact and didn’t understand social cues, typical autism stuff i guess

my autism definitely looks different as an adult (but i’m also in a lower stress environment so idk how that has affected it), as a child/teenager i had a lot of meltdowns and frequently felt like i was misunderstood and painted in a bad light for things that were out of my control. now i’m a lot happier, but the autism is still huge in my life (as it always will be). i don’t count to sixty anymore but still have that feeling of wishing people say what they mean.

the biggest issue i have is probably sensory overload, i just feel like i notice sounds in particular more than anyone else i know and it really affects me, i can’t concentrate if i can hear any little noise like the electric buzzing or clocks ticking. if i’m in a busy room chatting to people, i can’t tune out the extra noise so i really struggle to process what people are saying and everyone else seems to be managing fine?? whenever i socialise i feel like i need a day to prepare and a day to recover, it’s so draining. i also have a huge germ / food contamination phobia which is probably related

it’s not all bad, i promise (and it might be very different for you). personally i love applying my logical mind and seeing patterns others don’t, special interests can be great too (when i’m not supposed to be focusing on other things).

i do think that official diagnosis can be really helpful, even just to know you’re not making it up i guess? it’s quite validating. but obviously there are plenty of barriers to diagnosis like cost and time (especially for women and people of colour) and autism is there regardless of whether a doctor acknowledges it. i have a ten year old sister who is right now in the early stages of being referred for diagnosis, it might just be a uk issue but even with obvious traits and family history (me), it’s still taken a long time to get the referral, so i know for a fact how complicated getting diagnosed can be.

if potential autistic symptoms are really impacting your life, maybe your ability to work or learn, and you need proof of diagnosis to get accommodations or even just understanding from people around you, then yeah, get diagnosed when you can. otherwise, maybe just talk to people you trust about what you suspect if you haven’t already. sometimes it’s good to get another person’s point of view. i’ve found that even when the people i was close to weren’t too knowledgeable about autism, they could usually tell that i wasn’t neurotypical.

anyway, essay over. i wish you all the luck in the world with figuring it out and please don’t hesitate to send me another ask or a dm MWAH X

#god i do ramble on #thanks for asking!

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gaycatastrophe · 3 years

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#just struck by the - in hindsight incredibly obvious - realization that all those times i havent realized until later i had a crush #or when i wasnt sure whether my feelings were romantic or wanting friendship #were uhhhh probably related to my broader problem of not being very good at identifying emotions in myself #until theyre at like nuclear meltdown level #im an idiot. and im also probably autistic #i mean sure it wouldve been easier if id been cis and all my feelings were for guys but #but theres definitely more to whats going on with me than gender shit and gay shit #and part of it is quite simply that i can be giddily head over heels in love with someone and not know thats what im feeling #case in point spring sophomore year of college #this realization brought to you by reading about 'aspergers' traits on an advocacy website

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gffa · 2 years

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I approached the Jedi philosophy in a similar way. But not because of anger. Adhd and therefore emotional regulation issues as a kid/teen that was completely undiagnosed was a mess. I also didn’t fully get into Star Wars fandom until last year when I gave clone wars a shot because, hey, we have Disney plus and the only Star Wars thing I’ve seen that I’ve actually really liked was rebels is clone wars any good? So I actually didn’t even have fandom telling me that.

So… hearing Yoda tell Luke not to feel? It was like the adults around me telling me not to be emotional and that I needed to control the temper (aka my meltdowns; I rarely actually lashed out at anyone unless they didn’t give me a chance to calm down and continued to tell me I needed to do something) and yeah.

I enjoyed the prequels more because it seemed better and yet I never liked Anakin (in hindsight, it’s because he sometimes seems like my mom; gotta walk on eggshells because you’re never sure if this is going to set him off or not).

But also at the same time, while I never went full on Jedi bad/cult I definitely thought there were things they could’ve done better. Taught better how to dela with emotions; not suppress them. Because everything they said in the movies seemed like exactly the same things everyone around me told me to do, so I learned to suppress emotions. I suppressed emotions so deep down it took me years after being diagnosed with anxiety to actually recognize the feeling as anxiety.

I’m not exactly sure what changed my opinion on it but I just know now that as an adult who tries to be emotionally/mentally healthy while in a healthy relationship and raising two kids… the Jedi get it right.

Maybe how they teach it isn’t right for everyone; I find it hard to believe that some didn’t slip through the cracks at various points but that’s probably the cynic in me since I was the one who slipped through the cracks having been a near straight A student with a mom who had adhd. And I can, since I certainly misinterpreted what the Jedi said in the movies, can easily imagine a youngling getting it wrong and it not being recognized until teens or later. But that also would be a rarity, not the norm like I assumed as a kid.

So yeah, I did have to learn to let go as well. My feelings justified or not, were just so suppressed I’m still working through them, nine years after starting to take charge of my mental health properly after being diagnosed with adhd and anxiety. It’s freeing being able to let go, though trying to process them enough so the emotions stop coming back can be a pain.

First of all, I'm sorry that you've had to go through all that, it's a lot to unpack and while I'm really proud of you for coming around to being in a better place (for your sake, because I want you to be in a better place however you get there), because it's a hell of a lot of work and it's not easy, but you yourself are doing it. That's your victory and I'm proud of you. Your message was really heartfelt, thank you for sending it, I hope that I can give that same feeling back and be thoughtful in my response, if nothing else I am at least genuinely trying, I promise! 😂 So if I seem like I'm swinging it back around to my own experiences, it's not because I don't value everything you've said, but because I don't want to talk for other people or assume things about their deeply personal circumstances that aren't mine to comment on. So, I think all I can really do is gently reach out a fist for a fistbump, tell you that I'm proud of you for working on yourself, thank you for your words, and talk about my own experiences through my own lens. For me, I think a lot of what resonated with me and understanding the Jedi is that I've dealt with so much mental illness (and still do) that I once heard a doctor giving an interview and talking to someone who was struggling with similar issues that I had and explained that their brain was lying to them about so many of these negative thoughts and feelings and hopelessness they were feeling. And that just shot right through me. Because it was a moment of clarity like a light had been switched on in my head. Oh, that's why I have so much trouble understanding what my friends and family are trying to give me. That's why I have so much trouble believing there's hope when I get like this. That's why I feel like I can't do this, that it'll be like this forever, that nobody loves me, that I'm just a horrible burden to everyone, that they'd all be better off without me, that the entire world is gray and lifeless and will never change, that I believe these things, even when I know people aren't lying to me when they tell me it's not true. When I stopped to consider my situation as if a loved one were in it, would I judge them for the way they were feeling and struggling? Of course not! They're Going Thru It and it takes a toll. So why do I feel like I'm not worthy of the same consideration? Why can't I get over that thought? Oh, because my brain is fucking lying to me. All that bad brain chemistry makes it so that my brain fucking lies to me. And that also helped me understand that I wasn't always seeing other people or what they were saying clearly. That my feelings are incredibly real and important, you can't just sweep them aside because, oh, the other person didn't mean it that way! Those feelings don't just disappear, but they do take on new context and understanding but they still have to be acknowledged and let go. It helped me to understand what I was feeling, to understand that feeling something was valid and real and important but it didn't have to control me, and I was faced with a choice: Stay in those feelings of anger and hurt, often very valid feelings, where it was easier not to do the hard work OR let them go and be a little bit freer from all that weight. Those were my choices, I had to pick one. And the more I let shit go, the more I'm not so fucking all the time. It's a lifelong journey, I'm going to stumble sometimes, I'm going to have to pick myself back up, I'm going to lash out and have to make it up to people, but I am so much better than I used to be. All of this was something I had to figure out before I came back to Star Wars and the Jedi, so when I got further into the story and what the Jedi said/did, it started resonating so strongly with me. The Jedi really, really got it right for me. You're also absolutely right that it's not for everyone and I think it's fair to say that a few did end up slipping through the cracks. While the percentage of people we saw in the source material falling to the dark side was really low (or just

that the Jedi way didn't work for them), there are still some and that's just how anything ever has worked. No belief system, no type of therapy, no medication, no mental health work has ever had a 100% success rate, none of them are completely perfect, not a single one of them is, some are always going to fall off. That doesn't invalidate the good it does, nor does it mean that those it doesn't work for have to try to keep forcing themselves or just aren't trying hard enough or whatever. But those it does work for--and there were a lot of them, the absolute majority of them by all accounts we see in the source material--are worthwhile, too. I'm sorry for all the pain that you've suffered, I'm sorry that you slipped through the cracks and weren't found earlier, that you've had to work extra hard because of it. Whatever method you found to work for you, whether aligned with the Jedi teachings and their real world equivalents or on another path, I'm so glad that you found it, because you deserve to find that peace and settlement within yourself. You sound like you really have put a hell of a lot of work into this and it shows, you're doing amazing, I'm so proud of you.

#lumi.txt #mental health

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astaroth1357 · 4 years

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MC's Family Finds Out that They're Actually Dating a Demon the Hard Way

Demon boys more or less going demon on the MC's family. Bound to happen really. This one ain’t so cuddly guys. Special thanks to @anonimo324 for the inspiration for this one. Literally never would have occurred to me if they hadn't have said something and I love the excuse to revisit this idea. 😄

Check out the Masterlist for more!

IMPORTANT: Continuation to "Demon Brothers Meeting the MC's Family" The general setup to this post is in that one.

Lucifer

You know what they say about things that seem too good to be true, right?

Oh, their MC's new boyfriend was smooth, put together, intelligent…

And prideful. So very prideful.

It radiated off of him like no tomorrow, there was just a subtle but constant air of superiority to everything the man did or said. Some may find it attractive but others? It can drive other people right up the wall.

And that's exactly what it did to some members of the MC's family. Even if he seemed educated and well-spoken what made him think he was so special? What made him think he was just so much better than the rest of the world??

They couldn't have known just how angry he'd get when they confronted him about it.

They couldn't have known that they weren’t questioning an arrogant man, but a prideful demon who'd take offense at the mere thought of being anywhere near their level.

It was only when he stood towering before them, demonic wings and horns in full view, did they learn the folly of their actions.

In their hospital beds, bones broken and bodies bruised, they'd rant and rave to anyone who'd listen "He's a demon! A demon! My child/sibling/etc. is dating a demon!!"

The MC disappeared with Lucifer that night, however. Their family writes them off as either dead or kidnapped for torture purposes.

In truth, they returned to the Devildom and Lucifer will never hear the end of how he lost control and attempted to skewer the MC's family members. Surely such a mighty demon should have better control than that... 🙄😑

Mammon

His dumbass let it slip a couple months in, but not without good reason for once.

He had actually been doing pretty well with their family. Sure he wasn't perfect, but he made it clear enough he was looking out for MC and honestly the rest of them as well.

It was small things. Checking up on them sometimes. Making sure the little ones, if any, were safe. Not stealing anything that isn't nailed down (though that's something the MC notices more than their family of course).

It takes a lot. A lot. A LOT to make Mammon break out his demon form. He's better at keeping it in than Lucifer. But showing him something that’s threatening MC is actually a pretty quick why to do it.

The family was out together on a shopping trip, a giddy Mammon included because he knew that meant he could beg ask the MC to buy him stuff.

They really should have checked before they started strolling down the damn crosswalk, but they didn't, and an impatient taxi went hurtling towards them.

Before they could even open their eyes Mammon was already lecturing them about their stupidity, holding them on the other side of the street. Shirtless because his demon form was out and the dumbass forgot to hide it again. Even though they were in public.

He was quick to change back once he noticed, but the damage was done. You can say their family was a little surprised that he straight up grew wings and horns. Only one of them fainted anyway.

To avoid causing further panic, Mammon just legs it away with MC still in his arms, shouting back an quick expletive laced "apology" over his shoulder.

MC smooths things over with their family later by phone. No one can quite wrap their head around the fact that Mammon is a demon, despite what they had seen, but it helps that he did seem to want to protect them.

The MC is not allowed to come home if they want to bring their demon boyfriend too, but their family isn't as worried about them as they could be. Mammon's looking out for them after all.

Leviathan

Okay. They always knew the boy was a little weird but hot damn did that opinion suddenly go from 0 to 60 real quick.

Levi was distant and off-putting at first but in time it became pretty clear that he was just pretty awkward. He wasn't the best with people, but he seemed harmless enough.

It was the MC's idea to bring him along on a family weekend trip to the beach. They honestly couldn't understand why at first. He never seemed to like being with them...

It DID start to click for them a little more when they saw the guy in the water though. They can say it's probably the first time they'd ever seen him so comfortable in his own skin. He even started smiling!

Things were actually going smoothly for them all for once… until other people started taking notice of MC in their swimsuit and one bold gentleman decided to make a cheeky comment on it.

Now, Levi had always stuck close to MC when he was around them. He was practically a second shadow. But it seemed like the second he took notice of those glances he got extra clingy and after that comment.. he started to have a meltdown.

The once bold gentleman was kindly picked up by the neck and hurdled into the ocean like a Frisbee. It would have been hilarious if it weren't so horrifying.

It was about the time that the lad grew a snake tail that the MC's family peaced out off the beach, screaming in terror. MC and Levi left too, mostly because Levi was hellbent on dragging them back to the Devildom in a jealous rage. Obviously THIS is the kind of shit that happens when he leaves his room!

No plans are ever made to go visit again, which he's very happy about. He hated being out in "the real world" anyway.

Satan

Nice as he could be, that temper was bound to catch up to him eventually…

There would be small incidents. A kid cuts him off on the sidewalk and he'd get a little loud and snippy about it. A dog won't stop barking at him and he'd just glare and send it away with a terrified whimper. These things were… worrisome. But not all that demonic.

Then other red flags started showing up. A person on the street would be rude to him and he'd look honestly ready to kill. It'd take MC physically holding him back to keep him in place. Their family was worried about them… Had they'd fallen victim to a possible abuser...?

MC had never listened to what their family had to say, always claiming that they were perfectly safe with their boyfriend. That he had to listen to what they said. But no one really bought that…

Well if there is one way to piss Satan off (and there are many) probably the fastest and most lethal is to doubt his intelligence. Especially if you're only one of those everyday, average humans...

That poor employee at the bookstore had no idea what kind of mistake they made when he told Satan he wasn't looking for Camus but Kafka then refused to double check. Satan doesn't make mistakes about his authors. Ever.

What was originally just supposed to be a relaxing afternoon with the family turned into a night in the station as everyone was questioned about the employee whose head got flattened against the store counter-top. The police weren't entirely convinced a demon did it, but they would look for a blonde.

Said demon had chucked MC over his shoulder and took off before the police arrived to investigate, which as far as they're concerned also kind of amounts to kidnapping.

Satan's now a fugitive in the MC's hometown and on the FBI's Most Wanted List so safe to say that they won't really be visiting anymore.

Asmodeus

Not as surprised as you might think. There were some signs…

Asmo had a bewitching quality to him that went well into the unnatural. He could soothe and win over right about any person or animal to an… uncomfortable degree.

He also kept bringing up and babbling about nonsense products all the time. He always seemed to have the perfect hair treatment or know the best drinks but no one else had ever heard of any of it. What the heck even is Demonus…?

But the real kicker was, well, just how lustful he was. There were horn dogs and then there was this guy. It felt like he could flirt with a potted plant sometimes.

Though he was nice, no one in their house thought Asmo was faithful to MC. And even if he were, his blatant willingness to tease right about anyone he came across was showing them disrespect.

Unfortunately, they had made the poor decision to confront him about it and claim that he didn't actually "love" MC….

There are few things more brutal and less forgiving than an enraged Asmo. Here he was with these humans, people he had been nothing but nice to, and they were doubting his love for MC?? What gave them the right!?

He had his demon form out and his whip already raised to teach these slanderers a lesson! Even if he had grown to like some of them, his anger took over his reason and he had to vent his displeasure NOW.

The MC stepped in before he could crack the whip and made him stop. Their family was terrified but he charmed them into calming down while he and MC talked things out.

They (by which I mean mostly a fuming Asmo) decided that since their family couldn't understand their love for each other, they didn't deserve to see it.

They leave the house calmly and don't come back. MC still sometimes calls their family, but they refuse to leave the Devildom or their beautiful fallen angel, no matter how much their family pleads for them to come home.

Beelzebub

On the one hand, absolutely no one wants to believe it… But it also does make a lot of things make more sense in hindsight.

Like, he was built like a linebacker so it was sort of understandable just how many calories his body seemed to need but there was a limit.

He. Just. Kept. Eating. Never-endingly hungry. Always poking through the kitchen or ordering a mountain of pizzas. More impressively, he never made any leftovers… Ever.

He was such a sweetheart though… They tried to turn a blind eye for a while. Make excuses and rationalize the impossible… but it couldn't last.

It was only supposed to be one nice dinner out. MC had gone over the rules with him ten times before going, "This is a human restaurant and I'm paying, so you HAVE to stop at thirds. Okay? Okay??"

He tried. But the food was sooo good, he just couldn’t stop! And, like clockwork, here comes the manager to cut him off and there goes an angry Beel. Full demon form, tossing tables and wrecking chairs to everyone's absolute horror.

MC had to use the pact to stop him. They could only leave their family with a quick goodbye before they had to book it from the cops on Beel's back as he flew away.

To say there was a mini-meltdown among the members left behind would be an understatement. What the HELL just happened to the sweet young man they had come to know???

The damages were paid for by Lucifer a "mysterious donor" and everything was explained to their family by MC over video call from the Devildom with a very guilty and apologetic Beel in attendance.

When it was clear that the MC wasn't going to leave him or literal Hell despite their protests, they either had to accept it or never hear from them again. Members made their choices, but it's pretty hard to stay mad at someone they've grown to like so much...

He's no longer allowed to go visit them in the human world (which is probably for the best) but shows up on MC's video calls regularly. They still kind of think of him as family even if he could eat them all. He's just such a nice lad, you know?

Belphegor

…. You know, there was always something kind of off about that kid.

It was always hard to place what made Belphie so… different. It could have been the way he never seemed to take any of them seriously or the kind of amazing lack of energy he brought to things.

It also could have been the fact he kept making comments about being a demon, going to "hell," knowing Satan personally, etc. but always played them off as jokes.

Honestly when it finally came out that yes, he was actually a demon, it was almost a relief because it made waaaay more sense than not.

Still fucking terrifying, though.

One of their family members had made the mistake of waking him up from a nap when he and MC were there for a visit

Now. It's not easy to wake Belphie even on a good day but an airhorn to the face is probably not the way to go about it.

When he sent said family member soaring out the window, one-handed, with his horns and tail on full display and a familiar look of murder in his eyes, MC knew the charade was pretty much up...

True to his word, Belphie doesn't let some humans keep MC away from him. He scooped them up and hopped out the broken window before they could really even protest or explain anything.

Which, I mean, how does one even go about smoothing over the fact your demon boyfriend just yeeted one of your family members out of the house?

Their family is kind of able to put two and two together themselves regardless. Which is good because neither Belphie or MC are probably coming back any time soon. If ever. Hope they enjoy postcards...

#obey me #obey me shall we date #shall-we-date-obey-me #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #still too fun to write #satan runnin' from the FBI man #beel would call your parents mom and dad #obey me headcanons #obey me scenarios

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wave0fg00dvibes · 3 years

Text

Backup - Spencer Reid x Reader

A/N: Hi friends! Once again, it’s been forever. It feels amazing to be posting again. I hope you love this one as much as I do!

Please leave feedback if you have any! Lots and lots and LOTS of love, as always.

Content Warning: None

Word Count: 3K

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Being a mother is the greatest gift.

In becoming a mother, I finally gained the ability to find things that have “disappeared” around the house, as only mothers seemingly can. I no longer shy away from spit, vomit, or digging various foreign objects out of little noses and mouths. My days consist of helping tiny humans, my tiny humans, grow, change, and discover.

Every single day involves a great deal of chaos, no matter what. Dirty diapers? Probably hundreds in the various garbages around the house. Countless tears? Good thing I can never say no to baby snuggles. Extensive messes? Considering the amount of madness that plagues the house “in the name of science,” perpetual cleanliness hasn’t been a priority for a long time.

In hindsight, I really should have known that my children would give me a run for my money. After all, their father has three PhD’s, two BA’s, endless compassion, and enough strong-willed energy to survive prison for months. Nothing breeds pure mayhem like that combination.

And yet, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. Truly, deeply, sincerely, being their mother is full of countless blessings each and every day, even if the blessings are hidden in the midst of sickness, meltdowns, and pure exhaustion.

Today was one of the difficult days.

7:56pm

By the way Grayson insistently screamed (an all too common occurrence), I often wondered if he would blow out his vocal chords before he even had a chance to speak his first word. At the current moment, he sat in his high chair looking absolutely miserable. His cheeks were stained red from the heavy tears rolling down his tiny face. Normally he would be asleep by now, but this day had other plans.

Ava sat in her desk chair in the living room, silent tears rolling, sulking over the confiscation of her favorite book. The contents of her desk had been swept all over the living room with as much rage as her tiny body could muster. That day, she had talked back to a teacher at school. She was far too smart and curious for her own good. Though I knew in my heart she probably meant the correction out of the goodness of her heart, teaching her proper social skills was also one of my top priorities. I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to her in school the same way it did to her father.

Her father. My person. My best friend and partner in crime.

He would be home any second, and I would finally have a single moment of relief from this day. For though Spencer spent countless hours invested in his job, he was an excellent team player, and fantastic father.

And in this moment, I needed my teammate.

8:00pm

Get to the bathroom. Solace from the storm. Get to the bathroom.

As I shut the door behind me, I started my mental timer. 30 seconds of peace. 30 seconds of alone time. 30 seconds to get it together before going back out to tame the madness.

I never thought I’d be able to drown out the sound of both of my small children sobbing, but this day had been full of surprises.

With shaky hands, I turned on the faucet and leaned down to splash the cool water in my face. It was refreshing, but not enough.

The bags under my eyes were more prominent than usual today. Great.

8:01pm

Grayson’s incessant wailing brought me back to the present.

Spencer will be home any minute. Any second now.

I can do this.

I threw open the door and went to my son first. His face was littered with tears, still crying as loud as ever. As I approached, he reached for me.

Oh, my sweet boy. He needed to be held. He needed to be needed.

I lifted him up and he immediately laid his head on my shoulder, still sobbing. His forehead was burning up. Go figure.

I need to take Gray’s temperature. Add that to the list.

“Ava, honey.” I tried so desperately to get her to look at me, but she was nothing if not stubborn.

“I want Daddy.” Her response was not surprising, but stung nonetheless.

Spencer always knew how to console Ava. They understood each other on some different plane of existence. As much as I loved that about them, now was not a good time for her to be shutting me out.

Okay, focus. Take Gray’s temperature.

As I shuffled through the contents of the bathroom closet with one hand, Grayson’s cries barely ceased. Finally, I felt the all-too-familiar thermometer box toward the back.

Rushing back out into the kitchen, I quickly opened the box and stuck the thermometer in Gray’s ear, much to his dismay.

Ava sat in the same spot, silent tears still rolling, misery evident in her features. Nevertheless, I knew I needed to focus on my sicker baby first.

“Ava, please clean up your mess before dad gets home.” I called to her, over my shoulder.

“Mama, maybe think about my unwillingness to follow your orders next time you take away my source of happiness.”

Ava didn’t move a muscle as she spat her response back to me. I thought the previous answer had stung, but this one cut deep.

However, with a sobbing, fever baby on my hip and a heaping sense of exhaustion, I was forced to let it go immediately.

Even with Grayson’s protests, the thermometer’s iconic beep sounded and the screen lit up with more digits than I would’ve liked to see.

100.5, no wonder he was so upset.

I was running out of steam. I needed backup. Turning to see the clock on the stove, I was surprised at how late it had seemingly gotten.

8:20pm

Where the hell is Spencer?

As if on cue, the phone started to ring.

“Hey.” I breathed into the phone, longing for my favorite voice.

“Hi, y/n? It’s Penelope!”

My heart sank. Though Penelope’s voice could always put me in a better mood, hers was not the voice I wanted to hear at the moment.

“Hi Penelope. I’m assuming my husband will be staying late tonight?”

“I’m really sorry, y/n. The whole team is really backed up on paperwork. He asked me to call you so he could finish faster and wouldn’t get distracted.”

I smiled at the classic Spencer gesture, but it didn’t stop the tears brewing in my eyes. I needed him. I so desperately needed him.

“No worries. Can you please tell him to call me when he’s on his way back?” My voice betrayed me, cracking at the very last moment.

“Oh no…” Penelope started, her voice ever so compassionate and understanding.

“No, I’m fine! Really, I’m okay. It’s just been a long day over here.” I attempted a chuckle, but there was absolutely no way Penelope bought it.

“I’m going to put him on-”

“No! Don’t do that.” My heart was screaming to hear his voice, but I rationally knew the FBI needed him more than I did in the moment. He saves lives, I hold down our fort. That’s how this works.

“Are you sure?” Penelope’s concerned tone made my heart lift a bit. I missed the BAU team. It was rare that I was able to see them these days.

“Yes. You need his big, beautiful mind over there more than I do here.”

Grayson chose that moment to let out his loudest wail yet. I would be surprised if the whole BAU didn’t hear it coming from Penelope’s phone.

“Listen, I have to go. Give everyone my love. Bye!” I stuttered out before abruptly ending the call.

My silent tears now matched my daughter’s. This was going to be a long night.

8:45pm

The lukewarm water filled the sink, and the screaming baby on my hip seemingly never ran out of motivation to cry.

Ava still sat in her same spot in the living room, arms crossed, furrowed brow that so closely resembled her father, and head down deep in thought.

“Ava, honey. Can you please help me?” My voice cracked again.

She heard it, she understood.

Guilty could not begin to encompass the feeling in my heart as she wordlessly padded to the bathroom to retrieve a towel without being asked. She was like Spencer in that way, somehow always knowing what I need before I do.

She was just a baby too. She was only five. It was absolutely unfair for me to be brushing away her feelings like this. Gray was physically sick and in need of immediate attention, but Ava was in emotional need. She was also like Spencer in the bottling of her feelings. She needed me, and I couldn’t be there for her.

“Thank you, baby.” Someday she won’t let me call her that anymore, but I was thankful that day was not today.

I looked into her golden eyes and saw her understanding in the midst of her pain. She shouldn’t have to fight for my attention. Without another word, she handed me the towel and turned around before silently padding to her room.

Grayson calmed down slightly when I set him into the sink full of water. It made my heart lift, but only momentarily.

If only I could bilocate. If only I could be enough for both of my babies at once. If only…

The opening of the front door pulled me from my thoughts. Keeping both hands on Gray, I quickly turned to see who could possibly be stopping by at this hour.

My knees nearly buckled at the sight of Spencer, a whole new wave of tears overcoming me as he shed his messenger bag and coat and rushed over.

No words were necessary. I loved that about us.

He pressed a brief, gentle kiss on my lips when he reached us. He knew how badly I needed to be held, but he also knew that it had to wait.

His eyes asked where he was needed.

Ava or Gray?

My best friend. My angel. Oh, how I love him.

“Can you finish up here?”

He nodded, immediately taking our baby out of my hands, all the while making faces at and talking to Grayson as he blubbered in the sink.

“100.5.”

“Got it. Go get her.”

There are no words that could ever amount to how much I love him.

Sweet Ava needed my focus now, and 1,000 pounds of weight had just been lifted off my shoulders.

Ava’s door was open, and I slowly entered. She was laying in her bed facing away from me, quiet sobs wracking her body.

My sweet, sensitive, empathetic girl. She shoved it down so I wouldn’t have to deal with her emotions in the face of my own stress. No more.

“Ava?”

Her sniffles subsided, but she still faced away from me. I silently walked over to sit next to her on her bed, reaching a hand out to rub her back. Surprisingly, she let me.

“I’m sorry, sweet girl.”

A new wave of tears came over her as she slowly turned to face me. Her red, tear stained cheeks seemed to get puffier every time I looked at her. Her eyes met mine for a split second before darting to the ground. She was still emotionally keeping her distance, just like her father.

Lucky for me, I knew exactly how to make her father feel better.

Wordlessly, I opened my arms, offering myself to Ava.

For a moment, she looked as if she was going to turn away from me again, and I felt my heart contract. But then, in true Ava fashion, her beautiful eyes filled with tears once more and she crawled into the embrace.

Before I knew it, her small arms were curled around me and her head laid on my chest, letting out the stress of the day in large, heaving sobs.

“I didn’t mean to.” She stuttered out.

“I know.” I whispered as I rocked my girl, much like I had when she was so much smaller.

Back and forth. Back and forth. Until her breathing regulated and her sniffles subsided once more. We stayed like that for a while, just holding, breathing, and healing.

“I was just trying to make sure Miss Sarah was giving us the right information.” She said softly into my chest. My heart nearly exploded.

“I know Ava. I know. Maybe next time we could phrase it a bit kinder though, right?”

Her head lifted so she could meet my eyes, sass and defensiveness all over her face. I raised my eyebrows, waiting for her sassy retort to further make my point. Her eyes narrowed, eyebrows dancing as she sank deep in thought.

Sometimes the amount of Spencer I saw in her was a bit scary.

Ava let out a deep breath, letting her head fall back to my chest and snuggling in once again.

“I could definitely find a kinder way to say it next time.”

The smile that lit up my face couldn’t be stopped.

“I love you, my girl.”

“I love you too Mama.”

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10:06pm

I thought I knew what it meant to be tired.

I didn’t. Not until today. Not until the walk back to my bedroom from Ava’s.

The bedroom door squeaked a bit as it opened, but I couldn’t find it in my heart to care in the moment… as long as it didn’t wake up either of the babies.

Spencer was pulling on one of his old t-shirts as I passed, heading to change into my own set of ratty pajamas.

We went through our separate night routines like zombies, only breaking out of the trance when our tired eyes finally, finally met.

There is nothing normal about us. There is no possible way to look at each other after a day like this and say ‘hi honey! How was your day?’ like normal couples do.

But, in the midst of the literal insanity, I was reminded that those amber eyes were my rock. This home, our family, was built on the most solid foundation. Nothing and no one could ever take that from us.

And so, I took a deep breath and walked straight into my husband's open arms, holding tighter than I ever thought possible. My hands clutched his shirt like a lifeline, and his settled on my back so meaningfully I could’ve lost it all over again right then and there.

But I didn’t. I held it together, because this was my first moment with him all day and I was not going to taint it right off the bat.

I pulled away slightly, letting my hands wander to cup his face and smile, reveling in his neverending beauty.

“How did you get Grayson to go down?” I asked, genuinely curious.

“I started reciting Tolstoy in the original Russian.” He tiredly smirked, exhausted eyes barely staying open.

For the first time that day, I laughed.

The joke wasn’t that funny, but it sure was at that moment.

We laughed, and laughed, and laughed some more.

I laughed so hard that the tears couldn’t stay back any longer, so they came.

Before we knew it, his nightshirt was full of snot and tears, and the ugly sobs just wouldn’t stop. He held me through it, rubbing my back as the tears kept flowing. His hand made its way to my hair, holding me even closer. I could feel wet drops hitting the top of my head. He was crying too.

My person. My best friend and partner in crime.

We had made it through this horrible day, and we had done it together.

After what felt like forever, we pulled away, wiping away stray tears and silently agreeing that if we stood any longer we’d probably pass out.

As we snuggled into bed, legs and hearts intertwined, everything seemed to be looking up.

“Why didn’t you call me?” Spencer quietly asked.

“They need you.” I sighed, snuggling further into his embrace.

“That doesn’t mean you can’t need me too.”

I pulled away to meet his eyes. His eyebrows danced in thought, just like his daughter.

“We agreed on you saving the world and me holding down the fort. I failed today.” My fingers raked through his hair as I voiced my disappointment. Spencer wasn’t having it.

“You didn’t fail. I heard my baby’s ‘sick cry’ and was all packed up even before you hung up on Garcia. Everyone understands. It’s really okay.”

I tried to snuggle into him again, but his hands caught my face, forcing my eyes to meet his.

“You can't be the parental superhero all the time. You have to give me a chance too.”

If I hadn’t cried out all my tears before, I probably would’ve started crying again.

“Watching you become a father is one of the greatest gifts of my life, you know that?”

The smile on his face lit up the dark room, and he pressed his forehead to mine. We snuggled in close, finally allowing sleep to overtake us.

“Y/n?” Spencer whispered.

“Mm?” I answered, barely awake.

“What did Ava say to Miss Sarah today to get her so upset?”

I stifled a laugh.

“Let’s just say it’s definitely something she heard from her father.”

#spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #spencer x y/n #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid #spencer reid angst #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid hurt comfort

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lucifer-is-a-bag-of-dicks · 3 years

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Oh my gosh so I also headcannon Jack as autistic! But im not comfortable with writing it yet because idk how. Im not autistic; my little sister is and i know a few things jack could have trouble with... but hes a grown ass man so i just dont know. Im definitely taking notes on what you write him as but could you give me some pointers?....maybe?

Im mostly referencing to Bitter with this

aaaa yeah it definitely presents differently in adults who've learned to mask, personally I don't plan to put certain things in specifically to talk about how he's autistic, I write with the background knowledge of what traits he displays, and then express them when relevant, it's relevant a lot with Jack simply due to how much it affects his life

now this is going to get long, so bare with me, because this is a whole lot more complicated than you might expect

there's really no one correct way to write Jack, since there's no one way that autism presents itself, the way I write him is based on a mix of myself and some people in my family, so I can give you a basic idea of what angle I personally come from

for one, I change the way I write about facial expressions and how emotions come across to Jack, in Jazz's chapters I'll write about the exact emotion she can see on their face, with Jack's I'll go with an obvious base emotion, but then if the person is expressing something more complicated, I'll describe their face in physical details

eg;

Jazz POV - Danny was upset, but his face was tight with frustration

Jack POV - Danny looked sad, but his eyebrows were furrowed and his mouth was set in a hard line

it's a subtle difference but it's one I try to maintain throughout Bitter, Jack's POV is based on how I have trouble reading non-obvious expressions, although in my case I also have trouble looking people in the face when I talk to them, that's harder to write in an emotion driven POV story, so I made Jack better at that than I am

his interest in machines is quite obvious, since he's an inventor, and he looooves infodumping on people, he gets very excited about his passions very quickly and his mouth runs off with him, something I also have trouble with, it hasn't been a prominent trait for Jack in Bitter, because he's so out of his element he's mostly confused and in a way, almost grieving his own death, so he's been far quieter than he usually is

his special interest is obviously ghosts and machinery, and in Bitter I cover that he's got a degree in engineering, physics and mathematics. He's good at them, I like to look at it as though Jack rolled high in intelligence and low in wisdom, he's book smart, he knows things that are straightforward and have firm rules, he's less comfortable in topics that are more wishy washy and vague, biology is complicated and has too many variables, he finds it difficult to grasp, there's no one standard rule that applies to every body

I also struggle with vague and unclear directions, I need a solid structure and clear instructions, my strength is in sorting, organising, alphabetising and colour coding, I like things to Look Right, I stick to a particular routine with very specific things, and it's viscerally uncomfortable and even distressing for me to have that order disturbed, I nearly had a meltdown at work because someone had done a part of my job incorrectly, and I had to fix it, it made me genuinely upset on a personal level, it was MY system, NOBODY should be touching it, NOBODY should be moving things around, they do anyway, and I spend a portion of my shifts just frustrated and on edge because of it

Jack also has issues socially, he often says or does things that other people find uncomfortable or embarrassing, I reference that in Bitter, where Jack assumes everyone is mad at him because he said or did something stupid, this I have much experience in, while in the middle of a social situation it's easy to just do what comes naturally to you and not realise it's off putting to other people, because people often play polite and you can't tell that they're uncomfortable, even though people around you find it painfully obvious

sometimes it's easy to see in hindsight after you've been told you made something awkward or uncomfortable, but in the moment if nobody says anything about it, you can remain either totally oblivious, or become anxious and second guess every interaction you have

Jack is the oblivious type, he's fortunate to live in a family that is fairly understanding, they might get frustrated with him, or embarrassed by him, but they don't really take it personally, they KNOW he means well, they know he cares, and Jack does care, he cares a lot, he feels things a lot, he's incredibly empathetic

this is a trait that a lot of media likes to ignore in depictions of autism, because I guess it makes people with autism seem 'too normal', when tv shows always want to be like 'hey wow look at this clever asshole! isn't he clever, but also an asshole! but you can't hate him because he's ✨autistic✨ and he can't help it'

that bothers me a lot, I mean some people with autism do have trouble relating and empathising with people, my brother is one of them, but some people with autism really empathise a lot, some of us feel things very strongly, I'm highly empathetic and it's a real struggle to cope with

so yeah, it is a very complicated thing, so you need to go in with an idea of what their character struggles with, how it affects them, and when it's relevant in the story, also autism falls on a very wide spectrum, some people, like myself, are able to mask well, but that creates a big issue with identity, when you start to wonder how much of you is real and how much of you is mask, then you have to decide if you want to lower that mask and accept the social consequences of expressing yourself naturally

I have a friend who presents a little more obviously, he's very rigid in his ways and he talks like he's reading from a script, I have another friend who can socialise just fine, but will go into a total meltdown when a plan gets derailed and she doesn't know what to do next

another friend I have is highly social and incredibly boisterous, she stims with her whole body, dances around a lot, she's chaotic and that can be off-putting to people, she's had to spend a lot of her life holding that back, she's only recently started learning how to be herself shamelessly

my brother was incredibly social when he was younger, and people always really loved him, but most of that is mask, he's socially anxious and just wants to be alone most of the time, and he's a total prick to his immediate family, I don't take that personally any more, since now I understand that he's so blunt and brutally honest because he isn't masking with us, but also he still needs to be called out when he oversteps, autism might be why he has difficulty empathising, but it's not an excuse to be a complete asshole, even people with autism need to be called out on shitty behaviour, it isn't a get out of jail free card, our self expression shouldn't come at the cost of hurting other people, most of us are more than capable of learning to not be an asshole

I know this is like, A LOT, but these are the things that need to be considered when writing about autism, it is an all encompassing thing that permeates your entire life experience, I absolutely welcome people like you to try to write about it! Because I think it shouldn't be a taboo subject, and I appreciate that you asked for advice and that you want to do it respectfully, you've probably seen first hand how difficult living with autism can be, having a family member on the spectrum, so you already have some experience to draw from, I don't know your relationship with your sister or how old she is, or where on the spectrum she falls, but if possible you can ask her about her experiences in particular situations that you're having trouble writing, if that's something you and she are comfortable with

I hope this helps, just remember to keep an open mind and listen to any feedback you might get, it is very VERY easy to misrepresent autism so don't be too hard on yourself if you don't quite get it right, if someone gives you a critique, take it in stride and use it to become better ~ you can even express that in an authors note, that you want to write it accurately and invite anyone with experience to share their opinion, because like I said, it is different for everyone and my experiences are not universal, and you're welcome to run something by me every once in a while if you aren't sure about it ❤️

#asks #autism #danny phantom #bitter #jack fenton #this shit be COMPLICATED y'all

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