#theres a lot of more complicated crap

[thescrolls-haveforetold]

yknow?

[prsk-krow]

hihi :3! may i request spending the holidays with ena, mizuki and mafuyu (separate if it’s okay). I KNOW THERES STILL TIME UNTIL CHRISTMAS BUT IM JUST IN A MOOD OK😿. btw have an amazing day/night, and you don’t need to accept this req if u dont wanna <3

Hoo boy, the holidays are wayy closer than last time I was here, aha... Actually, they're far closer than I expected!

{Mafuyu/Ena/Mizuki with reader on the holidays!}

Mafuyu Asahina

Oh boy... How complicated I'd it going to be when Mafuyu explains that her holiday celebration were something like... A beta version of a miniature of the real thing? Yeah...

She didn't even know what you were talking about when you suddenly started to say stuff like preparing the tree and presents since November! Like, it's something so small and unimportant that it doesn't take much preparation... Right?

Prepare yourself for almost a day worth of explaining the true traditions, the significance, the joys, and the experience of a true holiday, and expect her to not understand for half of the day what you're talking about...

"... I'm not sure I understand. Is it really that big of a deal? I mean, I've heard about it a lot during my years as a student, but I never expected it to be so important... Because it is important, right? At least, from what you're telling me."

And ALSO prepare yourself to guide her along the whoooole month leading up to the 25th (nice), and for her to be confused about the significance of putting colored plastic balls on a fake tree... It's a lot to explain.

However, as you are putting the lights on and turning off the lights for a visual test, she finally understands. This is to relax from the busy year, isn't it? After all, a celebration doesn't have to be born out of a very important purpose, simply by existing it is important enough to the world!

Now that she comprehends, she will start researching herself and find out about the millions of holiday customs in the world, and she'll frankly be a little stunned. You tell her that you can explore slowly but surely each year, and she seems quite intrigued...

However, make sure to hide it all from her parents, with the help of the rest of the group! It will absolutely be a thin tightrope to walk along, but now that you have her interest, she'll give her effort to ensure the preparations aren't for naught!

Long story short, she doesn't understand the Christmas spirit, and now it's your job to help her with it, all for the efforts to help her have a more normal life! You can bet she'll be thankful by the end, even if she may not be aware of it herself....

Ena Shinonome

She is absolutely not taking advantage of all of the preparing process and time with the decorations to snap millions upon millions of selfies and photos for her page. Yup, absolutely nothing sketchy going on here.

It definitely could get a little absurd, as almost each 25 seconds she has to stop you to take a photo of her and the decoration, you and the tree, maybe all of them at once! She never missed a beat and is always holding her phone for the right moments!

It takes a few days for her to realize that, by focusing on only her social media and her photos that she has been neglecting your actual efforts to work and prepare everything by leaving it all to you!

Preparing presents, the tree, the decoration, she was so focused on the pictures that she wasn't doing what you both planned: For both of you to decorate together! Cue an 'Oh crap' realization sooner or later!

As soon as she does, expect her to put in double the effort the next few days! She really feels bad for abandoning her part of the deal for such a selfish reason, and Ena wouldn't ignore the consequences that this could have on your mood or energy if she doesn't compensate immediately!

"Ok ok! What else do you want from me? Huh? Why am I so excited?? Well, I have to make it up to you, of course! I'm not the type of friend that just says sorry to the problems they cause and does nothing to fix them! So tell me, how can I help??"

It actually starts to get a little too much in the exact opposite direction, as her enthusiasm is unlike nothing you have seen from her before! Except for her art, and some editing of photos. But this... Is quite the unique sight!

You'll actually have to make sure that she doesn't overwork herself, by checking up on her and rewarding her! And what better way than to offer her the main reason why she was so selfish before...?

So in the end, you're both left satisfied, and the preparations are done way before the deadline! You both go out for a congratulatory dinner outside, and another picture would pop up in the artist's account soon enough...

Mizuki Akiyama

Hoo boy, here comes the one that presents the exact same opposite reaction of the honor student's, here comes the pink menace that would actually start to prepare everything before you!

Get ready, for the seamstress's excitement will force you to try and keep up with them at all times! Not only trying to catch up to them progress, but helping out with everything new from there on now... It could be rough, and their seemingly boundless energy will make the process go on for days!

However, this is only one side of their mood swings, one that changes their behavior before any special festivity! And with the swing going one way, it will eventually swing the other way, in the most umprecedented times!

Mizuki will forsee the following days, and will suddenly start to work even harder, making you struggle even harder to keep up wth every day that passes! As they notice how worried you're becoming, the mood swing hits completely, and they start to feek instensly guilty...

"I"m sooooososo sorry for not noticing before! Oh gosh, I feel like such a jerk now... Nono, this is absolutely my fault, and I can't let you suffer because of my careless behavior! Now just lay down on the bed as I bring the food over! What are your favorite snacks??"

Get ready for a sudden pace shift as the next days are spent just chilling as the editor takes care of your every need so that you recover better! Although you appreciate it, you can't help but wonder what happened for them to shift gears... And why does their smile look so sad at times?

And then the realization hits. They have been saying so many times that it's their fault... Do they really feel that intensely guilty? When they bring the next plate of food, you confront them and force them to explain everything. They give in without major resistance when they perceive that you already know the truth...

They can't even look you in the eye as they explain how, aside of how her energy made you so overwhelmed, it's been running out recently. It's the first time you've seen them so vulnerable; there's no light in their smile. You gently sit them down and have a chat with them, to ensure that this wasn't their fault!

It takes a while, but they give in. After all, the work wasn't for nothing, right? After all, you still have more than a week left and everything is almost done! Perhaps this opportunity to rekax wasn't missused. They laugh, their enthusiasm glowing once again! Maybe they should just chill for a bit... Especially with your company!

[cringelordofchaos]

flicker adora headcanons!!

Lesbian, 2000 y/o, from planet called "Azulia" or sumth like that, alien, she/her, name means "beloved one", Adam is her older brother (only thing canon here)

Absolutely precious, pure, innocent

Likes to draw n doodle

Dyslexic + auDHD

Really energetic and extroverted

Smiles a lot, is generally very positive optimistic and bright

Very naive and socially oblivious (this leads to her being manipulated)

Doesn't know when people are being mean to her

Extremely curious to her own detriment

Has no hate in her heart

Rosalie is kinda jealous of how "perfect" she may seem and how much everyone loves her

Kinda stupid tbh but it's ok 🩷🩷 (hOLY CRAP THERES A NORMAL PINK HEART EMOJI NOW?)

Not a dog person, not a cat person, can't choose for the life of her

Although shes horrible at getting sarcasm and social cues she still managed to make a lot of friends during the game of flicker (before she dies) bc most of them were weirdos anyway and wouldn't judge her for her differences

Full of love

Bit reckless, impulsive and irresponsible

Silly

Loves stickers

Had a much easier time getting used to planet earth after their migration than adam

Adam is a bit overprotective of her (Im kinda starting to hate the "overprotective older brother" trope only because it's just so so common but. Er)

Adam was always more anxious cautious regarding danger

She loves to dance although she's horrible at it

She loves trying out new things though she might give up easily

Horrible memory

Feels kind of insecure over how reckless at times she is because it often leads her friends into danger, not just her

People pleaser?

Very accepting and loyal

Never breaks a promise (Erm... Not on purpose anyway)

Very indecisive

She feels like Adam babies her sometimes which is another insecurity of hers. Which leads her to try and be independent later on which kind of gets her killed

EXTREMELY tall

Role: muffin man? Saviour? Twin? Medic? All of those? Nah she's probably muffin man

Loves tree climbing

Insanely clumsy

Horrible spelling

Insanely kind

Insanely insecure

She literally doesn't and can't hate anyone or anyone's traits. She's far too forgiving to the point of her own detriment.

She also believes in people always deserving a second chance. And third chance. And fourth. Fifth. And so on and so forth

She would be such a girlblogger (I don't have a single clue as to what "girlblogging" is I just know she would do it)

Likes space

Separation anxiety?

She and her brother were forcibly torn apart with their past lives, families and friends due to... Complications to say the least. They feel completely alone in this new planet earth and they cope with it in entirely different ways

Bit of an escapist

Extremely blunt

Uses so many emojis

Sticks out her tongue while trying to focus a lot

Sucks at focusing

Stims a lot (pterodactyl noises, flapping hands, etc)

Due to her bluntness people at times perceive her as rude although it's never her intention to be mean

Likes colorfulness

Likes dinosaurs

If someone were to ask her who's her best friend, she wouldn't be able to answer because she likes all her friends equally. But realistically she's closest to her brother

She/her (she supposes) but she doesn't really *care* about other pronouns being used for her

Has a mischievous and sneaky charm to her at times

Has pranked others with Halona before

I'm sorry about random characters like Rosalie and halona being thrown in there I swear I just have way too many headcanons

Kind of like tangle the Lemur, Amy Rose, pinkie pie, TMF and other generally bubbly characters

Adventurous

As much as she doesn't hate anyone, if someone's very very obviously bullying her loved ones, she will stand up to them

Shes kind of insecure over people not taking her seriously at times even when they should

Hyperactive

Her MBTI type is ESFP !!

She has so many friendship bracelets with all of the flicker crew

Very creative

Loves all animals like I said earlier, even the "ugly" "scary" or generally undesirable ones. She wants to hug them all

Her love language is: all. All of them. She collected them like pokemon

On that note she would definitely like pokemon and collect plushies

Easily startled?

Very messy and rAnDoM (god I feel kinda cringe typing some of these. Bjt screw it screw cringe culture)

Cringefail /pos

Outgoing, playful, emotional

Anyway that's all for today. Sorry

[teddy-feathers]

okay so. virasana empire books are good.

their world building is so much fun and it seems to be a series that promises a Happily Ever After every time.

there is magic and religion and psionics aliens and demons and mutants and knights and movies and hacking and blasters and space ships but MOSTLY its about love be that romantic or familial.

i recommend starting with the Sir Yaden books. Mostly about family. I started with the Pet and his Duke and assumed it was like. the only fn book of the world and only recently learned differently and have been devouring them ever since.

they're fairly short the first sir yaden book being 273 pages and the latest being 533

the sir yaden books focus a lot on psionics but its not complicated its basically element bending for the first few main characters.

theres switching viewpoints which apparently is now a point of contention all of the sudden despite being very common? anyways its limited to two characters per book usually with the latest barely having three but its not hard to keep up with.

theyre simply written books written more like fantasy in that regaurd than scifi despite the heavy leanings towards the later - they dont go super in depth into tech speak if thats not your thing but they do break down the rules of how magic things work if youre interested.

the basic run down of the sir yaden books is there's an empire that rules the known parts of the universe. the noble family is fucked up beyond all repair BUT their emperor is known as the good emperor and cares for each and every one of his subjects - that doesnt seem to be a load of crap either. so hes trying to make things right - even trying to slowly get rid of slavery.

the... enactors of his will are the lotus knights. they get to go out and be heroes and have movies made about them - which is more of a hassle than a benefit but Public Relations you know.

Sir Yaden becomes a lotus knight and in each book he goes out and saves the day... and brings someone home to be apart of his family. its cute and sweet and adventurous and cool and...

i will say the last book got much more serious than the rest. while bad things do and have happened to the characters its generally something that happened in the past and they're working towards making things better. here something bad happens on screen not as a flashback and youre like what the fuck the entire time.

but despite the trauma most of the characters have its a lighthearted series and the trauma and dark stuff isnt described in an... whump way (hurt comfort heavy on the hurt) its more about the comfort and the love

i wont say theyre brain candy because theres a little bit more substance to them than im used to for brain candy. more like... brain pastery.

the pet and his duke is a stand alone romance set in the same universe and i absolutely love and theres one more series in this universe that i just bought but havent read yet

anyways thats my recommendation for the day

[shoheiakagi]

ohh anon, i had to screenshot your ask just so this post wont pop up when anyone searches the mentioned characters lolll. gonna put my thoughts under the cut and just a fyi im gonna be censoring the names here

send me your unpopular opinions

okay but i 100% agree with you. idk how you feel about him, but fus/himi is my least favorite character in this entire franchise (and this is coming from someone who usually loves dark haired assholes). He is one of the few characters i actually have a few things in common with (i.e. fucked up family dynamics, introvert who has trouble opening up to ppl, struggle in group settings, etc.), but im always ranging from strongly disliking or being neutral to him at best.

i think what i really cant stand about his character is that he is extremely woobified (by fans and within the show itself), and gets away with a lot of shit. like i love complicated and fucked up characters as much as the next guy, but shit man, i get why those stan twitter girlies pull the whole “but if this was a woman” card cause I seriously dont believe he would be as popular if he was a female character. fans would hate on him being a cold hearted bitch who’s obsessed with ya/ta and all that bullshit

and honestly take this part with a grain of salt cause my memory is shitty (and i literally rewatch bits of the anime to see the abc boys), but didnt he say some offensive comments about mik/oto and tot/suka’s death to troll ya/ta? like at ep 1 of s2? if he didnt, then ignore me. if he did, then idc idc theres nothing you can tell me that can justify that crap. i also hate how he’s an asshole to most, if not all, characters but yet everyones all like weirdly obsessed with him and shrugs it off and just adores him?? and that they somehow get that he’s actually this softie who doesnt mean it and went through sooo much even tho they dont know shit about him?? again, if this was a female character

ngl i think s1 having him being a borderline creep is what made me dislike him lol. like if he was like how he was portrayed in most of s2, then i think i’d be a little more neutral towards him. and this is unrelated, but i dont think hes hot at all and looks like a fish (but he did look good in dob. everyone looks good in mor/dob)

tl;dr I strongly agree with your opinion and think that fush/imi was forgiven too easily

[sanctaignorantia]

I think its more a case of amount of media/entries

I don't think I'd phrase it as one is more "real" than the other, and more so different pacing

Theres 10 or 11 mg/s games, and only one for death stranding (with DS2 upcoming) so far

Mgs covers well over roughly 50 years, and much of characters' relationships and interior thoughts are off screen/left unsaid

The relationships in mgs tend to be more "fast burn", character catch feeling/relationships develop far more quickly/ have room to breath off screen, vs ds "slow burn", its plot happens at a much slower pace than any game individually, but there isnt any room for relationships to develop on or off screen in the same way ig?

And mgs do quite a bit of jumping around in the timeline after mgs2, tbf

We definitely saw a bit of lisa, cliff, diehardman and briget's complicated realtionships towards the end of the game, but it doesnt help how far in the past/how closed off and distant most of those characters are

(How reciprocal cliff and diehardmans relationship was isnt clear)

We also saw the slow movement and development of higgs' infatuation/obsession with sam, and really only saw much acknowledged by sam near the end of the game, with the boss fight and final pizza.

But, if sam and higgs are loosely paralleling naked snake and ocelot, it took the later 2 playstation games before actually having them interacting on screen together finally in mgs3 (after 2 games of barely subtext that ocelot was gay/queer, and was infatuated with naked snake/possibly other male characters) And we only see them begin to reach an equal understanding (maybe) at the end of the game, because of the layers of trauma and cold war espionage/spy bs obfuscating it

They have several violent fights/soldier meet cutes where they beat the crap out of each other, ocelot falls hard and fast for an enemy, with classic movie troupes like gaussian blur being used to suggest a dreamy quality, and snake spares a a young upstart who causes many a problem like higgs, and he should by all intents and purposes just kill him, and not just be pleasantly impressed by this weird 20 something

WOW!!!! There's a lot in MG, really.

You're right, DS is much slower and has a lot of things in the past, we couldn't have the same amount of games that MG had, I don't think we'll ever reach that number.

But I'm surprised again at how crazy MG is haha

And I didn't mean exactly that one would be more real than the other, but in a sense that as the MG sequels arrived and more of this kind of information was put into the game, the more weight there was in Kojima's intention to talk about it. He wants to talk about how these characters relate and connect and also the way these characters find to love each other within their own complexities. I see him doing that in DS as well and so that's why it expands.

[ohiomomof2]

In Need Of Advice <3

TW: Triggers

Being in this and other BPD groups have made me finally sit back and try to figure out my exact triggers.. heres a little back story:

I was technically diagnosed about 7 ½ - 8 years ago with having Bipolar and was put on medications that honestly did nothing for me. I have always, my entire life, felt like there was something off/wrong that wasn’t right at all and literally my life has never made sense at all. Then about a year ago that I was scrolling through tik tok and came across a video for BPD and I kept watching videos just like it, then I downloaded BPD books on my kindle and I looked up on google everything there was to know about the illness.. It was then, that my life and my emotions and how I acted and felt made TOTAL SENSE. So I immediately called up my psych doctor and told him and my counsoler that I had been misdiagnosed and that it was actually Borderline. And how my life has been and with my luck, it would be me that would get this extremely serious and devastating mental illness. So I joined all these groups on Facebook and never felt so relieved that theres a lot more people like me out there.

Well with being on these groups I have finally sat back and attempted to figure out my triggers, and heres what I come up with. When my significant other isn’t lovey, clingy or romantic… that throws me into a whirlwind of emotions, as this is something I have to have in my relationships. When someone yells at me or is starting/trying to start an argument with me is another HUGE trigger…. I literally spend every single minute of every day DWELLING on doing everything right so that my FP (my soon to be husband) doesn’t come home yelling and arguing… which never happens… I have tried to sit there and get him to understand these triggers and have asked hin if he could change (as hes asked me to change a bunch of stuff about myself and I did with absolutely no argument, immediately wheh he asked) and I RARELY ever ask him for anything… But when I asked for this, He said I ask for to much and im never going to be happy, After explaining to him MULTIPLE times what I needed from him to be happy (yes im extremely dependent on him) and when I go to set boundaries and put my foot down, he gets ignorant, to the point were I just tell him to forget everything I said, and I drop the issue, which NEVEER gets solved.

I love this man more then anything in this world. Hes an amazing hardworking man, but ive come to the conclusion that hes not built for relationships. I honestly don’t want to leave him at all, as I have nowhere to even go because i gave up my home to be here with him (this isn’t the only reason but its 1) I have wanted to be with this man since 2008 and since its finally my turn (and rarely with how my life goes, I usually never get what I want) I don’t want or wont let anything come between us..

My question here is.. How do I set boundaries and stick to them, and not feel like total crap for being ignorant or rude towards him , which Ive never treated him badly or disrespectfully ever. And how do I not cave in when he starts to get an attitude and get ignorant and smart when I do so.. Im convinced hes a narcissist. But he denies it all…

Any advice would be great…. And please no comments telling me to leave or what not. As im not to that point yet.. I just need help trying to figure out how I can force him to change just the littlest things I asked, which aren’t complicated at all.

[markets]

Tbh ive learned a lot about people these past few months id like to think... ive also learned that i dont really bite the hand that feeds me but i do look at what its feeding me and go This shit sucks give me more please and then it goes Well ok ur not getting anything then. i mean not always actually bc the sort of "never settle always push for more" attitude ive kinda always had has been really beneficial to me in school and such like why study for an hour when you can study for two why settle for an A when you could have an A+ etc. but its a hard line of reasoning to shake off when youre NOT in an environment like that bc theres a big difference between turning 6 advanced classes into 7 and turning something like a little crush into a successful relationship where each party can give the other what it wants. Ppl are more complicated than that...!!! like relationships are not linear the way a grading scale is. Different stages of things are fun in their own way,and sometimes relationships can only reach a certain point and thats ok!! you dont have to push past that point because where youre at is just fine, and pushing will just leave you with nothing at all. Like ok the reason im saying this is BC the person ive been craziest over was my best friend and he said something really really nice about me that i wont even say um i think i might have already actually but its the nicest thing anyones ever said about me and also kind of personal so i dont want to repeat it i want to keep it for me. and i heard about this from someone else and was immediately like Holy crap we are meant to be together forever we're going to share a grave when if die!!! and then i asked him out and it flopped bc we are just not good together like that and now ive spent months trying to go back to what we were before. BC when we WERE that i was too focused on the next thing to realize that sometimes, even when you want more out of a relationship, you cant get it and it's fine because the place youre at has enough merit by itself anyway. And this is easy to say but harder to take into account when youre actually in a situation where you need it BC thinking "the more i do, the more i win" gives you such a clear set of instructions. Its rlly nice and rlly helpful. but with people its like you cant WIN but you can definitely lose. So ya.. working on being nicer to the hand that feeds me this year. building on relationships too hopefully but more thoughtfully this time around. <-Shes looped burning hill mitski like 16 times and now thinks shes the first person to ever have a thought

[simaddix]

Trying desperately to get all of my WIPs under control. I'm gonna be (ahem, at least this is the current plan... we all know I'm a squirrel when it comes to content) working on the following items...

Cedars - Done

Smaller Cedars - Awaiting package builds. Textures and mesh are finished. (the ones I currently have are massive, which is fantastic for distant/world trees because you can actually see them, but I need to make smaller versions for lots.

Cedar saplings - Awaiting package builds. Mesh and textures done. ( Yes, I'm making tiny Cedars. These will mostly be for undergrowth/brush areas. Or if you want to make a Christmas tree farm, theres your chance. )

Patterns - Done. (These will be in s3packs. I apologize in advance for this, but there's 200 of them and I dont have the time to convert them at the moment. These will also be stamped as a sort of as-is status. If you want the texture let me know and I'll send it to you.)

Pine trees - Textures done. Waiting for mesh tweaks and package builds Further testing. Also smaller versions and saplings (hopefully)

More trees and plants in general. (I have a ton just waiting in my plant files)

Recolor on corn (I attempted to make the dried version and for whatever reason, it looked like crap. So I'm going to attempt that soon)

Wood CC. I put a hold on this project for the sake of the bark. I think how I'm going to do this is fix (or remake at this point) the pieces I had and use a default replacement texture for each piece (that's the only way you can use them in CAW, anyway), then release alternates as I finish my trees. For an example, I'm wanting mostly cedar and pine trees in my world, which will have custom bark. So I'll make the firewood /logs in cedar bark, and then release a recolor with the pine trees, aspen trees, and cottonwood trees as I finish them. That way, you can switch out the texture in s3pe like you would anything else, and it can match your trees too.

This might seem a bit complicated, but it will allow you to make debris (fallen branches, chopped firewood, milled lumber, logs, dead trees, etc) that match your world trees, without having a thousand packages in your game and trying to sort them all out.

Rocks - yeeppppp still going with that one. I have a whole set finished and ready to go, then another one coming right behind it after I tweak them a bit.

So.. that's what I have going on in my modding mind.

Stay tuned for me trying to get my crap together. Lol

[chaos-in-the-making]

TOWA IS CALLING RIN THE POLITE FORM OF MOTHER

EEEEEEE VIOLIN AND FLUTE SOLO. MY HEART SINGS.

What the fuck. A ROCK GOBLIN?!?! it ruined their song!! Wait how does it know what a bullet is. Lmao suspense of disbelief.

GO GIRLS GO. WORK TOGETHER. Ooooohhhh Towa has a nice shield. Love it.

NO SETSUNA YOU NEED YOUR SISTER YOURE JUST BEING PROTECTIVE.

Now we know that's Tekechiyo's Papa. THATS SO CUTE.

Ugh where the fuck is SHIPPO

Omg Moroha. What are these faces you're talking to.

Rion!!! WHY ARE YOU GOING TO SEE YOUR HOMICIDAL AUNT.

Ok. Everything is fine. Rion is fine. Zero doesn't have any animosity towards her.

I am HERE for this family drama. I swear it's even more complicated that Inuyasha's drama.

MOROHA YOU MISUNDERSTAND THE ASSIGNMENT.

Kohaku is giving a lesson to the daughter of his best friend 😭😭 Towa will dodge, but never runs.

LOOK AT PROUD MOMMA SANGO. PASSING ON HER LEGACY.

Wait. That's NOT his papa????? Oh my god I thought it was. HACHI. YOU KNEW IMMEDIATELY IT WAS MOROHA. He believes in you!!

KOHAKU WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO CUT TOWAS HEART LIKE THIS. NOOOOO NOW HE IS TALKING ABOUT KIKYO AND SESSHOUMARU. KOHAKUUUUUUUU YOURE SO KIND TO RIN'S DAUGHTERS. AHIFJDHJDKFBFJJFNFNFK I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

Moroha. Darling. The assignment. Focus!!

OH NO. OH NO SETSUNA MENTIONED LETTING OF HER HAND. SHE IS SAYING SHE FORGIVES TOWA. OH GOD THESE EMOTIONS

Look at strong babies!! YEAH TWIN AZURE DRAGONS BABY.

TOWA BABY YOU ARE SO STRONG AND YOURE GROWING SO MUCH ITS OK TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR WEAK AREAS THATS HOW YOU GET STRONGER.

Wow ok, Moroha wasn't the main star like I thought she would be. They left her in the clutches of the racoon clan. THAT MEANS THE TWINS WILL JUST HAVE TO GO SAVE HER NEXT WEEK.

What. What EVEN US GOING ON NEXT WEEK??? THERES A LOT THERE, HOLY CRAP.

[gay-danny-phantom]

Since I've gained weight during the pandemic Ive gained a perspective on just how annoying and tone deaf our culture is on weight loss and viewing fatness as a loss of self control.

A ton of simple things became more complicated. Staying hydrated? I have to drink so much more water because my weight has increased. Bitch, I didn't even drink enough water when I was skinny! Picking outfits? None of my cute stuff fits anymore, and the stuff that does I immediately take off because it's too hot, always. Sleeping? So much harder when your body temperature is higher and you can't get cool.

Just lose weight! Sure bud. How do you want me to do that?

Well, your diet is probably crap. It's not actually. I eat mostly Japanese and Mediterranean style food because of my IBS already, and these are both incredibly healthy.

Well, it's probably the carbs! Cut down on those. Where! I cut bagels. I barely eat any bread. Pasta is a rare treat for me. Most of the time I eat rice as my carb of choice, and not that much of it.

Aha! But what about your LIQUID calories! You shouldn't drink soda! I literally never drink soda. I maybe drink 1 can of cider every 2 weeks. I have to drink almond milk for the calcium content since I can't have dairy, so I can't cut that. Otherwise I only drink tea and water.

It's just frustrating because I'm doing my diet right, and that's what everyone points to. Yet no results have happened. Because it just isn't that easy.

The other thing is exercise. The thing about exercising when chubby/fat is any amount of physical exertion makes you So. Damn. Hot. I walk up the stairs and suddenly it's like I was outside in Texas.

When you get hot, you sweat. Which means you're ALWAYS damp because you're ALWAYS hot. And you can't ignore the dampness because it gets itchy, or could turn into a rash, and also it stinks.

So you're constantly devoting part of your brain power to temperature and sweat management, which in itself is exhausting. You change your clothes a lot. Sometimes you sit under a vent with no clothes on after a walk for an hour and still feel hot.

"Just exercise more!" Is an annoying piece of advice because, frankly, everything feels like exercise. And exercising is harder when you're heavier. It's physically more difficult for me to do a sit up because there's mass in the way, making it hard to breathe, so I get frustrated. Doing jumping jacks kind of hurts for obvious jiggling reasons. I tried running but immediately got injured (my calves were just in a ton of pain) so I had to stop.

Not to mention, if I do the amount of exercise that is required, it would take hours, which is so daunting. If I break it up throughout the day, I have to take multiple showers, eating up even more time.

Plus it's not like I can go to the gym, theres a damn pandemic! With breakthrough events! My partner has asthma and would most likely die if he happened to be one of those cases. I have to do home exercise.

The standard advice is just tone deaf, because it doesn't offer any actual help with these logistical problems. People assume that they are skinny or fit because of a correct choice they are making and not because they've got good genetics, or were taught healthier behaviors from a much younger age so it comes second nature, or they work an active job so they're already burning a ton of calories. I know skinny people like eat like shit and I know fat people with a ton of self control. Your skinniness is not a virtue.

Sorry i don't know how to add breaks on mobile.

[revol-lover]

i know i have become a shit post queen but this site is a good place to just dump thoughts when i’m too lazy to actually write them down so don’t mind me. also i’m “ok enough”. like i’m not ok-ok but i’m not like badly not ok. 

ok? anyway.

so idk what it is. being raised by emotionally distant parents esp my mom or the depression thats probably also related to that but man i just feel so empty for such long periods of time. empty, or maybe detached is a better word. and just really really restless. and also that when i have good emotions, i dont feel them all that much. idk. sometimes i feel like i’m on the outside looking in on my life. i have a lot of feelings but then at the same time i dont. maybe because i repress a lot then it all builds up and explodes. idk. its awful though. 

i also feel like i have two very distinct sides to me. half of me is like fuck this shit i just want to self destruct but i wont because i’m too responsible to do that and the other half is like wow life is so interesting i am a spirit not a body and i want to be an enlightened being. neither of those sides of me is less me than the other. neither is a farce or anything but its fucking hard for those two sides of me to coexist. the only middle ground, which is probably like 1/3 of the time how i feel, is blah. neutral to absolutely everything.

and i think ive talked about this before but before the whole corona/quarantine thing i was at this extreme level of DONE with feeling isolated in my life, esp as a sahm. done with falling into the trap of believing being a mom was my whole identity (and its definitely a part of it, of course. but i think its unhealthy for moms to think its all we are) like i totally lost myself for a while. my daughters birth being traumatic and her having potential life long complications (and ‘potential’ meaning, her diagnosis is so complicated. theres never going to be a time where we get a real “all clear”. some kids have developed seizures again way down the road, especially at certain ages where kids go through a lot of development.) and then ofc just raising a child with all of that going on, plus normal toddler craziness, plus having a kid who is super hyper and smart and amazing but parenting after having a difficult relationship with your own mother is one of those things that is really hard and not talked about enough. i never feel like im doing enough. i never feel like she likes me.i know thats so stupid but i really am that insecure about my parenting, no matter how hard i try. i just want my child to love me and sometimes toddlers do things that make you feel like crap (ex ‘i dont want u mom i want daddy!’ and i can rationalize it, dad’s the exclusive parent. i’m just here all the time like the furniture. i get it.) and its just a big complicated thing with my emotions. not what i was trying to say tho i got off track.

anyway the isolation thing. so i had a plan. a plan!!! i have this one awesome long time friend, honestly my only friend outside of my husband who knows me like the good bad and ugly, has known me for a very long time, and has been there for me through some really tough shit. he’s like the brother i never had, truly. (i have a biological brother but we dont really talk.) so i talked to him about things i was going through and he’s also been going through a challenging time in his life and he told me he’d help me get out there. we were going to force me to learn to socialize and make friends in “real life” by putting me in those situations. we were going to go to some poetry club. a show downtown. like i was ready. then corona happened. and my already crawling out of my skin isolation got worse because hey we cant do anything now, not even see my one friend. 

so yeah. i was fine in the beginning of all this because i figured, hey by may itll be over! then hey by june! then maybe 4th of july. which has become, my daughter is so excited about her birthday party in august and i dont even know if i can throw her one and i dont know how to deal with this or explain it to her.

i know this is major first world problems and im all over the place and i document this dumb shit because i hope one day i’ll be so far past it and be able to look back and think well wow i made it through 2020  but yeah idk

i think part of it is i’m turning 27 in two weeks and my saturn return thing is just getting so close and i’m starting to see the beginning of shit in my life crumbling underneath me. like i know what i gotta do. i  have to put myself out there. i have to get out of my safety zone. and i have to use my gifts to help others not just sit here drowning in my self pity but obviously its hard to challenge yourself and put yourself out there, literally, during a pandemic. 

and the last point which is just something that boggles my mind about myself that i dont understand. like i’m definitely depressed. i have very bad anxiety too. and even though i can be extremely self pitying and go into like a black hole of sadness, i still dont let myself do bad things. which is good, obviously. but its iike i’ve been recovered from self injury for probably about ten years but some days i am so deep in my shitty feelings or empty feelings that i just want to do it again but i cant. theres something in me that wont let me. and i guess im glad for that, obviously. i guess my life/universe/guardian angel is trying to force me to face shit for real and not just have shitty coping mechanisms but idk. like it was a bad outlet but idk. sometimes, just sometimes, i feel like it did more for me than just writing things out. which is bullshit because it did nothing for me except give me a bunch little permanent reminders of shitty times. but idk. that’s my brain for you. sometimes i want to just let it all go and be a mess in my feelings and not care if i’m ok but then my brain is like nope bitch you cant do that. youre not 17 anymore, get up.

and i know some people would read this (well no - no one would read all this lmao but in a theoretical sense) and think like, oh did you try therapy or oh maybe try meds and the thing is 

therapy - i tried it. i liked the idea of it. bad fit with the therapist tho. didnt like being kicked out after 45 min (which i understand but bitch i need more than that to explain one problem) and it felt weird to be told by her, that she felt like i had a good handle on things. cause i dont really feel that way and i feel like she didnt have much to tell me  in terms of how to idk fix myself besides journaling, which i’ll give her. it helps

meds: i i dont really want to go that route yet because my body is really sensitive to medication. like i dont even take bc or anything like that. however i think ive decided that since its super legal and obtainable i might try pot once we are able to move into our own place. so if anyone did actually read this far and have experience with that (esp w anxiety) please enlighten me. i had some samples of some cbd stuff and it was amazing for my anxiety but it’s way too expensive for me to use consistently.

this has been a very long shit post but i feel better so theres that.

[sicksweetcreamy]

OC-TOBER

i did a inktober challenge for my OC uwow more under the cut

Day 1: intro

meet Maro Moon; theres the reality version (Mareal/MRL) and the dreaming version, (Maream/MRM). Both are the same person, MRL is just the outer shell and MRM is the inside of the shell

Day 2+5: family+younger verison

MRL: I have a dad and a mom and a bunch of cousins and aunts and uncles that I don’t really know. This is the only picture I have of myself as a kid, because I didn’t really like photos. Mom and Dad died a year ago, but just from old age, I guess.

Day 3: friends

MRL: I lost contact with all of my school friends. My coworkers aren’t exactly friends, but they’re the closest thing to it. There’s Neil, Rebecca, Sammy, and Brandon. I don’t know very much about them, except that Neil smokes weed and that Rebecca’s hella rich but her parents made her find a job and that Sammy and Brandon are dating, but that’s about it. We work at a movie theater and it’s a pretty okay job.

Day 4: youngest memory

MRL: My memory’s pretty bad, but I think that when I was about 4, we went to the beach and I got salt water in my eyes and I cried, but it was a fun trip, even if that’s the only part I remember. In fact, I think that the photo I showed you is from that time.

Day 6: dreams and ambitions

MRL: I don’t really have any big goals as of now. My job’s okay and my apartment’s nice, so I can’t really ask for much. I guess a boyfriend would be nice and we could go on dates and kiss and hold hands and do boyfriend stuff together, you know?

Day 7: worst memory

MRL: Oh man, there are a lot. I'm really bad at choosing the-best-of-the best or the-worst-of-the-worst, but I guess there was this one time when I cried in the school bathroom and someone asked to use the stall I was in because the other ones were full, so I had to go and find somewhere else to cry in secrecy. But there was also the time where I cried because I didn’t get enough Christmas presents. Or when I killed my super most favorite and rare and expensive houseplant. Or when i accidentally broke someone’s ceramics project. Or when I threw a basketball at someone and sprained their finger. Or when...

Day 8: living space

MRL: My apartment's small, but it’s home. My landlord’s good enough, and my neighbors are quiet. It may not be perfect but that’s no reason to just move out. (In Maro’s world, you can afford a single person apartment with a slightly-above-minimum wage job)

Day 9: important object

MRL: Like I’ve said, I’m bad at choosing a number one object so I’ll just list a bunch of stuff. My phone’s important, and my laptop, my Starlite Spark “Shine Brite” Album CD that’s actually autographed by the band, my Allison Sunderland figurine key chain (the only anime merch I will ever allow myself to have), aaaaaanndddd my apartment, I guess. And living essentials. I also guess.

Day 10: unusual outfit

MRL: High fashion is kind of weird. I get that it’s just a show to demonstrate your technical ability and skill or whatever, but it feels like a waste of space sometimes. How did I even get into this outfit anyways?

Day 11+26: time period+royal/poor AU

I guess it would play out like Cinderella, where Maro’s, like, a servant or something, but transforms into a prince in his dream world. His dream world would be a lot more fantasy like, or whatever time period Cinderella takes place in.

Day 12: fighting style

MRL can’t fight in real life, because then he’d get fired and arrested for beating the crap out of some customer, but MRM is free to do whatever he wants, which includes going absolutely ham on various dream NPCs with various methods and tools. He floats around really elegantly, but his attacks are really devastating. If he was in a fighting game, he’d be a slow heavy hitter, even if he looks far from the type.

Day 13: love life

MRL: It’s about what you’d expect from someone with no friends. Non. Ex. Istant. It’s really pathetic, don’t you think...?

Day 14: seduction

MRL: *likes your post* *likes your selfie* *never interacts with you in a meaningful manner* As you can see, Maro’s very shy. Too shy, in fact, to even approach someone in real life. It’s hard to seduce someone if you can’t even interact with them physically.

Day 15+19: color palette+reversed personality

If they reversed personalities, I guess that MRL would have a bold and inconsiderate front, while being more reserved deep down. It would be a pretty interesting AU, and the colors look good, too.

Day 16: doing what they do best

Sleeping! Sleeping, sleeping, sleeping. Maro’s special ability is to fall asleep whenever and wherever he wants. He can also wake up when he’s tired of dreaming, but time passes differently in the dream world, so either no time or a lot of time passes by when he wakes up.

Day 17; conflict

MRL meets a lot of unsatisfied customers at work, but the only thing to do is to quell the storm and to go along with whatever they wish. He’s not an entire pushover, but he’s not going to talk back either. MRM, however, is free of consequence to do whatever he wishes in the Dream world so he’s the type to create conflict or to react with more violence.

Day 18: alt. hairstyles

A ponytail makes MRM look very cheerleader-y doesn’t it? MRL doesn’t have enough hair to make a ponytail effective or nice looking, but he can still make one, even if he never does in the first place.

Day 19: mentor(s)

MRL: Mentors? Do teachers count? Even if I didn’t learn anything in school? I guess my parents were mentors too, but that’s just a given. There’s the guy who trained me for my job, but I haven’t seen him ever since.

Day 21: hobbies

MRL: I guess blogging is kind of my hobby. Even though I’m just talking into the void, it’s kind of comforting to imagine somebody relating with my posts. I used to like plants, but I gave up after I killed my most favorite one. Now I just... go on the internet and occasionally post things onto my blog.

Day 22: injured

It’s all in his dreams, so it’s okay if MRM dies or gets hurts.

Day 23: major flaw

Maro’s apathy to the world around him would probably be his biggest flaws. His general “who-cares” attitude makes him rather self centered. It’s hard for him to find use in living to the fullest, or self care, or caring for others, which is why he’s so mediocre.

Day 24: alt. outfits

Work uniform (Polo shirt, nametag, hard pants, shoes) Shopping (Hoodie, t-shirt, sweatpants, shoes) At Home (Blanket, t-shirt, underwear)

Day 25: drunk

Maro rarely gets wasted, because it’s kind of hard to get back home when you have nobody to call, but when he gets drunk he can’t dream properly so MRL gets all fuzzy and weird.

Day 27: bath

Maro takes showers most of the time, but on occassion, takes a nice bubbly bath if he feels like it.

Day 28: losing something loved

I nearly lost a key chain because the ball chain unclasped, but I found it right away. But if Maro lost his Allison Sunderland keychain forever, he’d probably cry and then accept it with apathetic resignation.

Day 29: 10 years later

:)

Day 30: alt. future

Maro is actually a redesign of a previous redesign of previous redesign disguised as a separate OC with another redesign of an OC i made when I was like 12. Complicated, right? The Original design has been lost to time, but I drew some of the other people Maro used to be.

Day 31: life changing moment

Maybe one day, I’ll finish Maro’s story and you guys will be able to see for yourselves :)

until then....

[sadfactoryinc]

Arts and witchCrafts

So, I said I wanted to do more personal craft writing, and this is something i am very passionate about. Making things for people, and endowing them with magic and love. The whole thing about giving or receiving tarot cards in order for them to work is crap btw. Just wanted to clarify, you can buy your own or accept/give them as gifts, but its not required.

Anyway, I just wanted to talk about nice things you can make for magic and non magic users. These are great Christmas presents, as well. I personally am trying to start a tradition with my friends that we give each other at least one hand crafted thing, whether its a card, a hat, a plushie or a doodle. I think its all important for all of us to gibe meaning to holidays again by actually taking time to make something, even if its tiny!

Easy things:

Necklaces, bracelets, earrings, and other jewelry- these can act as protection charms and amulets, reminders of your love and affection and even simple beauty magic.

Dinner- food has always been seen, especially in today’s generations, as a sign of affection. But making a meal, even if its tacos, shows you care, and theres all kinds of kitchen witchcraft tips and tricks out there you can use. here are some basics

- https://www.mumblesandthings.com/blog/kitchen-witchery-guide

- https://www.learnreligions.com/about-kitchen-witches-2562549

Letters, Cards, Notes, and Drawings- literally, the act of writing can be a ritual or spell, your words being read creating the magic. Its all subjective, there’s something very nice about even buying a card and writing a nice note to someone you love and care for. 

Slightly Harder things:

Crochet, knitting or sewing- to literally make an object for someone is the perfect way to put your signature touch of witchiness on something! A hand crafted sigil, or perhaps simply a little loving energy in each stitch. For example this year i am making felt stuffed animals based on what i think my friends personalities are like. they will all be endowed with a little love from me and hopefully make them feel comforted.

Painting, drawing, and inking- This is another really good way to show someone you care by drawing or painting a personalized picture just for them. everyone loves artwork, no matter how it looks. ALL ART IS GOOD ART IF YOU LOVE IT.

Baking- anyone can bake if the instructions are simple enough. Sugar cookies, bread and cake are always a favorite, something sweet for the sweetness in your life.

EXPERT LEVEL (jk just a little harder)

Sewing clothing, toys, and other wonderful things- Everyone loves nice clothes, but hand made, hand sewn gowns, shirts, sweaters, toys, pillows, are so wonderful. At the bottom i will leave a few examples

- https://liagriffith.com/craft/felt-and-fiber-diy-crafts/felt/felt-animals-felt-craft-do-it-yourself/

- https://thetravelingwitch.com/blog/2018/8/4/how-to-make-and-use-poppets-in-your-craft (if you wanna make a poppet)

Embroidery and Cross stitch- To some, these may be easier but if you have never done these before, it can seem pretty hard. But all you need is some fabric, needle, thread and an idea. This is a nice little guide, and most of the supplies will not be over $20 for all of it.

- https://www.thesprucecrafts.com/get-started-with-embroidery-1177438

So, i know that’s a lot. But literally anything you make with your hands, is magic so long as you want it to be. That’s the greatest thing about witchcraft, you can make it happen however you wish. You can make a poppet, bathe it in moonlight and bless it with a lavender mint spray, or simply blow a kiss to it and BAM its magically charged. None of this has to be complicated if you don’t want it to be, and i keep bringing that up because i know a lot of us, actually DON’T want super complex rituals. And that’s so absolutely okay with me and many others. It doesn’t make you any less a witch. I’ll be updating this post and more if i have any more ideas. I hope this is helpful, one witchy artist to another!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

posts about things with absolutely no introduction but it's because i was reminded of the topic the other day

this one's for those of us in the lifelong isolation no friends society, i know sometimes there's other people out there!! anyways i've been thinking about how like, personally, obviously, b/c idk how other ppl do it b/c we aren't friends with each other lol, its just a fuckin wild thing to deal with in part cuz its one of those answers to which there's not necessarily any Right Way to handle things or Answer or Solution or anything. isolation p much = more isolation and plus not having friends makes ppl less likely to socialize with you so that's rough; anyways yknow, the point is just oops you can't Choose to like, obtain a friend. u can try to get ppl interested but you can't control it beyond that, so, yknow

anyways what am i getting to? yeah so i've never had close friends in that i was never able to share personally honest things anyways for the longest time for a couple reasons, and also, people just didn't like me. the double whammy of "oh no its abuse" and "oh no you're lowkey socially ostracized by your peers from preschool on without end" is like, good luck to little me getting friends! i had sort-of friends in like a couple ppl who'd hang out with me regularly and on occasion we'd go to each others houses or smthing but it wasnt able to be like, the normal fun event it should. oh well. middle school was a little better and a little worse but i didnt keep up w ppl cuz i went to a different school later and its that situation where you're friends-ish Because you're at the same school right...smh...didnt thrive in college magically, but one essential thing was i was away from home more often than not so, that was real important ultimately. but anyways in the end i had like a handful of college friends-ish (accepted by other friends groups lol) and theres a couple of them i still talk to now and again

so like, yknow, friends, mostly friendly acquaintances, my siblings i'd classify as friendly acquaintances, i'm very glad about all of them really. just unfortunately i've only just started to have friendships that are like a decade old and the "longtime close" friendship is nonexistent b/c college is just four years and then you go other places, and i'm not at the heart of friend groups and not "good" at communication in other ways so its hard to keep in touch in ways. smh!!

funnily enough i'm also not good at internet stuff though it's been absolutely essential, god knows. that's why i'm able to talk to anyone rn!! but i can't do group chats and i only like approaching things "one on one" aka i don't like feeling like im in the midst of a group even outside group chats. if you get what i'm saying. like even back being in the small early mh fandom of like, three dozen ppl, in retrospect i didnt like having to be in the entire Group yknow. lemme just be over here. which is what i do now.

anyways for additional reasonsl, communicating has been trickier these past few years and for the most part its been kind of a situation where i wasn't necessarily going to get to talk to someone every day, though usually it'd maybe only be like, a gap of a day or two. and anyways, the thing is that, over the past ten years especially its started to be Distressing like wanting friends, not as much having them, and also having it be more obvious that there was some kind of deficiency keeping me from having (and having had) friends like other people did. not fun! but what i'm getting around to here, whats been wild, is just this like, decade-ish (or two decade-ish if you want) Personal Effort to just figure out how the fuck to stop having to feel like shit about it all the time right? then you're lonely AND stressed and probably self loathing also

so like yeah, the thing is that the other day something was going on about like, yknow, the idea of the longtime close friend with a steadfast presence in your life, and that's just always like, lfjdglmao what!!! sounds nice. i had a friend for a week in second grade and im not sure we ever spoke and then the teacher made us sit on opposite sides of the classroom and it was too embarrassing to be friends anymore. that's kinda close but lol for real......it's not only the lack of friends to tackle but also like, i don't assume to have friends in the future. it's something that like, i would obviously theoretically want, and be happy if it happened, but i can't say i hope for it, because that implies too much being expectant or whatever. and it's weird!! its a weird time just kind of presuming friendlessness until otherwise occurs. and it's not great, i'm definitely still unhappy about all this shit. its just that i've also like, been able to shave off how distressing the issue mightve been in earlier years yknow

like it sounds all depressing to say like, i've just had to be less emotionally invested in the whole thing, but it's kind of true. not by ignoring it or ignoring the feelings so much as like...just acknowledging that this is how it is and there's only so much i can do but not hating myself about it is a start. and yeah it's like "oh, feeling less, depressing" but also frankly when i decided also that its less horrible to be friendless than to feel stuck w crap ppl / ppl who you aren't too important to / etc, i figured that i'd also rather be friendless and just enjoy being myself than try to make myself easier to talk to. i'm not like intimidating or anything, i just can't hold a conversation. but i'm not very interested anymore in trying to convince ppl to like me, yknow, i'm out here, and if i'm ever going to have friends i'd like them to be people to like me For Who I Am, wipe tear. what i'm just saying is "a weird dumbass" b/c its just vague social weirdness that ppl don't necessarily like, loathe, but probably they'd rather talk to someone else. i'm not great at socializing stuff, like i said, hence social rejection since age 4

oh and i meant to say!! i've been able to turn up my emotions by turning down my investment in the idea of Needing To Always Be Trying To Make Friends b/c, as anyone might know, all i like to do is talk at great length about whatever weird, niche shit i'm into at any given point. and that's pretty much it. i'm not pretending to be deep by not really knowing how to do small talk. lmao you guys know what i'm talking about. and obviously not everybody is into Getting Enthusiastic or super focused on whatever weird thing at any point, and i'm not Into getting my passion all fired up and being brushed off or anything, so we can all avoid each other, and i get to continue entertaining myself

so that's a way i've been able to turn my feelings up actually lol.....dunno how to segue into it so i won't but it's also just like, not saying that i Truly Don't Care about not having friends, or that it doesn't hurt that i've had this relative friendless past and the futures looking bleak, b/c it does!! it's still distressing. but like, its turned down. the whole general issue can be a very Bitter one for sure!!!! and it has been in the past sometimes and like.....it's still there basically, i've just been able to turn down the volume a lot on a bunch of these shit feelings like "that's upsetting" or "i'm bitter about that" and just kind of calmly let it simmer back down b/c i'm sort more familiarish with what sets it off and more familiar with Dealing With It Always overall

no idea if i've made the point i was setting out for there. dealing with the No Friends Isolation Life society life is not fun but we're out here, sometimes. it continues to be not fun. "oh well," is an often relevant sentiment. c'est la vie. c'est ce que c'est? i think. and i think it's nice that after years and years of just like, struggling to figure this shit out myself, and probably feeling like shit most of the time, i've at least managed to go "shh" at some Bad Feelings. definitely still there. but this time it doesn't heap extra shittiness on top b/c of having to deal with the intensity of it and feel bad about that too etc etc. it's all weird! getting more familiar with dealing with some shit which is just, the way that it is in part because of bad luck and of course i'm jealous of everybody who does have friends. but oh well. b/c c'est la vie. im also glad for everybody who has friends, obv. it's all complicated!! which is just part of why this post exists. it has no real point, i'm just kinda going like, weird, huh? and kind of good, and kind of a bummer. oh well

also im aware this is a suddenly long, technically depressing post at like circa midnight for a lot of people, but basically this is just me in normal mood. sometimes it's depressing posts time out of nowhere, but i'm not especially depressed!! nighttime is just more of my Peak Hours. night owl 4 life. thanks

oh and ps. another thing i would think about (with more distress in the past, and like, no distress now) is that its also funny cuz, one thing i’ve generally had to do is be aware that it’s a bigger deal for you (me) to get a new Friend than it is for them to be getting you as a friend, b/c math says so. and so i’ve had to push myself to not be overly hopeful or invested in order to be both fair to them and myself. and nowadays that’s just kind of how i view the no-friends-ness of it all, like. i’m not mad that i’m not for some reason way closer to anybody i know. why would i be. and i don’t expect anybody to think like “oh my god we have to be Good Friends” because like. not in a self deprecating way but like, why would any random person want that. and i dont expect to be better friends with ppl im just casual friends with, which is great, cus like Friendly Acquaintances and other lite friendships are fantastic and im very grateful. but i am aware there’s plenty of reasons making it difficult to just like, pick up a Close Buddy and i’m not like “oh i demand one from somewhere, from some reason.” so what i am trying to say is that keeping my expectations honestly realistic is an effort to be fair to both other ppl and myself and i think it works. no friends!! we out here!!!!

[legolasgoldy]

VI. The Lovers || VIII. Strength || XVIII. The Moon || ★ Seven of Pentacles || ☆* Two of Wands || ◥█̆̈◤ Four of Cups || ━━╋⊂ Three of Swords

Tarot-inspired Prompts

// Phew, sorry this took a few days these questions are so gooddd. It took a lot of typing, I hope its not too much to read!haha XD Thank you so much!!❤  @blind-mutant //

VI. The Lovers - have your character’s heart and mind ever been at odds with one another?

X-men verse: Yes, a few times. When he first started getting his mutation and really struggling to come to terms with it, he was really confused as to what he should do.  It took him a month or two to decide, and ultimately his head chose to leave to spare his family from any problems his mutations would cause even though his heart told him to stay and have their support.

Also with Rhys, there was a lot of his heart telling him something his mind hadnt quite realized yet. It was a very subconscious thing because he knew he loved him, but never thought about in what way. It was obvious to everyone else, he absolutely adored him, loved his smile, his voice, everything about him and spent time always thinking of him. The problem was, it didnt click in his mind right away that all of those feelings were much more than friendship. All he knew, was that being with Rhys made his soul happy. When he did finally realize, everything just seemed to make sense but due to the whole drunken night incident a whole new struggle arose. He didnt think Rhys would feel the same way so that made his head clash with his heart a lot. All of it was a misunderstanding of course

In Mainverse: Phew, Im only going to list one time and make it brief or else we’ll be on this one question forever. When crossing the Helcaraxe, it was nothing but a mind and heart battle. He was constantly aching for comfort but hating everyone for hurting him so badly, but somewhere in his mind he knew he didnt hate them, he loved them and thats why it hurt so bad. It took the whole elven 30 years in the Helcaraxe to finally cope and his mind and heart match as much as it could.

VIII. Strength - is there a moment your character has ever had to fight for something or someone?

X-Men Au: In his usual X-men verse he hasnt had to do anything extremely drastic, but he does defend the people he cares about from judgemental people on several occasions. It sounds awfully tame but I think eventually when on his own and living with Rhys, both of them having jobs, having a happy life. He feels like they did a lot of work to get there too. Finrod helped Rhys through a lot of hard times, and they overcame past demons to live happy and together. Sometimes those demons do resurface but they fight back against that.

He does have a verse where he and a friend were captured, and he protected them from Hydra, and for the sake of not writing a lot of gore, in short theres a lot of biting and fighting. He gets muzzled, his hair cut, tested on, but eventually he gets his friend and they get out but the friend doesnt make it far, the friend supposedly drowns in the river. Key word being supposedly. XD

MainVerse: Yes. There is a lot of war throughout his lifetime that he fights in and a lot of emotional turmoil. He had to fight to be with Maglor the moment they first fell in love. Feanor forbid them to be see each other, Maglor had to marry someone else, etc. That was the least of his problems though, when they all were fleeing Valinor he had to fight to try and keep his cousins/friends from killing each other ( which they did) at the first kinslaying. He also had to fight and struggle to keep his family alive in the Helcaraxe. Then there was just so much fighting in Middle Earth. The only time there wasnt, was in the time of great peace when Morgoth was quiet, and Finrod was free to run his kingdom happily and be with his family and lover, still in secret, but he’d take it. After all that crap, keeping their romance secret wasnt as big of a deal anymore. Thats not to say it didnt bother him sometimes, but there were worse problems.

XVIII. The Moon - what is the most significant secret your character has discovered?

X-men AU: Aside from finding out what happened to Rhys, there isnt much else significant. His life in this au is relatively calm compared to all other aus. Unless you count teenage talk, and secrets swapped between friends. Theres tons of those but none of those are massive secrets.

MainVerse: Probably when Ulmo came to him and gave him a hint of what was to come and what he needed to do to prepare. Any secret from a Vala is  hella significant. Similarly, the most significant secret he ever kept himself, is that he was shagging his half-cousin for centuries and they in fact were kinda secretly married twice XD Also, any events of his foresight telling him something can also count.

★ Seven of Pentacles - what tests your character’s patience more than anything?

Prejudice.The only smidge of patience he has for it, is giving them a chance to educate themselves on the matter and be a better person. He’ll even offer to educate them. If they keep squandering that chance then he has no patience for them. You can lead a horse to water but cant make them drink, if hes gatta just forget them and protect innocent people from them then oh well. He tried. Hes not gonna tolerate someone whos ignorant biased hateful views hurt people.

ー☆* Two of Wands - has your character ever had to make a tough decision between two choices?

X-men AU: This goes along with the first question. Most of his tough decisions were due to his mind and heart saying two different things.  When his mutation started surfacing, not only did he feel like he had to choose between leaving and staying, he felt the need to either keep in touch or break up with his boyfriend. Those were two very very hard decisions. Of course he had only just turned 16, he was such a young boy and in his mind at the time those were his only choices.  He got so afraid that his family would suffer if someone judged him, he wanted them happy. The same with his boyfriend, they had both planned to go to go through highschool together then attend a college of the arts to study music. They had such big dreams that he suddenly didnt think he could do anymore. The thought of trying and failing, then hindering his boyfriend from achieving his dreams was too much, he couldnt find it in himself to risk everyones happiness, and/or safety. Heaven forbid him being a mutant were to effect his parents jobs! Or people pick on his little siblings at their schools. He thought of everything bad that could happen, and in that already stressed/very frightened state he decided to leave. Of course Charles Xavier found him and told him about the institute, and this whole thing was mended but it was devastating at the time.

MainVerse: Whether or not to leave Valinor was a choice that changed his entire life, and set his entire future in motion down the path of doom. It sounds really dramatic and it was. ;-;. When all the Noldor decided to leave when the trees were killed his mother wouldn’t go with them, and he couldnt bear to leave her but he felt the need to go and protect his father and siblings too. So he told her he would take care of them for her. At that time there was no doom of Mandos, and there could have been a way back to see her at some point and time. It wasnt too unreasonable to think seeing as the Valar said they could go, and they hadnt committed any crimes yet.

After the kinslaying he had a choice to turn back with his father and his people, to be forgiven and have the curse of doom lifted off him but he couldnt leave his siblings, cousins, and lover. He had to choose to stay with them, and thus making the decision to never see his parents again until he died. In a way he had no choice, he couldnt let his siblings, cousins, and lover go to middle earth, where the dark lords were,  alone. Theres no way he could so in that aspect it was an easy choice, but hard and heartwrenching all the same.  Another tough choice was to travel through the Helcaraxe but that wasnt his sole decision, its more complicated so I wont mention that one.

◥█̆̈◤ Four of Cups - how indecisive is your character?

Finrod is pretty decisive, the only decisions that are difficult for him are the ones where his heart and mind clash like the other questions asked about. He has such a big heart, he always tries to consider everyone and do whats best but sometimes the situation calls for a lot of thinking rather than acting on emotion. Something that important takes a lot of thought.

━━╋⊂ Three of Swords - what was the worst betrayal of trust your character has ever experienced?

X-men au: I think going back to the tough decision question about his mutation beginning to surface. At the time when that happened, he felt very betrayed by his own body. Everything just started tumbling to pieces in front of him. His body kept changing and his teeth were growing so his mouth was incredibly sore around his canines not to mention accidentally biting himself a lot. His ears, and sense of smell, and taste were malfunctioning from the change so noises that didnt normally bother him hurt sometimes to the point of bleeding ears, things that normally tasted good suddenly tasted bad, he kept smelling things he didnt want to smell. Not to mention his voice started doing really weird things and he suddenly got abnormally strong. Not only was all this suddenly happening to him, his fear of what would happen to everyone else just made him feel betrayed by the world for not accepting him and forcing him between a rock and a hard place. Of course later, things did work out and he realized there were a lot of people who supported mutants too, and that he just had to see it. The longer he had his mutation he felt like it was who he was meant to be, now he wouldnt know what to do without it. Just being so young and everything happening so suddenly did make him feel betrayed for several months.

Mainverse: Hm, well theres several betrayals that he went through although things like the kinslaying wasnt directly to solely him so I wont elaborate on those.  I would say its a pretty good tie between his uncle Feanor refusing to let  Makalaure/Maglor be with him and basically forcing Mags to marry someone else specifically to keep them from ever being married was a pretty bad betrayal at the time. Feanor had always been rough around the edges, but Finrod had never expected that extent of a betrayal.

The biggest betrayal of his entire lifetime I would say is what Curufin and Celegorm did in Nargothrond.  Finrod had been one of the best kings in history, he was sweet, compassionate, loyal, trust worthy, he cared about everyone not just his own subjects. His kingdom thrived and was so happy, he kept it hidden from evil all that time. There was such an immense level of respect between him and his subjects, and Curufin and Celegorm specifically visited Nargothrond to try and undermine that respect and trust. They widdled away at it and planted all kinds of seeds of doubt to the point when Finrod decided to go with Beren to retrieve a silmaril, it was absolute mutiny. Everyone in the entire kingdom turned on him because of what Curufin and Celegorm had done and said to them, only a single handful of people remained loyal to him. A single handful, thats it, out of that entire massive kingdom. Finrod simply took off his crown and tossed it on the floor bc thats all he could do,  it was such a betrayal there was nothing else he could have done.  Finrod went into Angband with only part of that handful of people because no one else would follow him. They all died except for Beren who Finrod died protecting. Luckily his nephew Orodreth got the crown and not Curufin and Celegorm, but much good that did..Not long after Nargothrond fell and Orodreth and his daughter was killed, and most of Nargothronds people were either killed or enslaved. So.. yea. Massive Betrayal. Hugee. Lead to the entire kingdom and its people being dead.