#these are not related!! seeing a reflection of the past doesn't mean it's happening again!!! there's likely a perfectly rational

[hailtothebubble]

what if i went crazy. sips my drink. or maybe i'll just keep looking at posts

[midday-clouds]

Yandere Batfamily x Neglected & "Immortal" Reader 》I Part II

There are many yandere batfam x neglected reader but I can't get enough of them--- So here is a silly story idea I have

I don't go into too much detail about how the reader is immortal but I'll probably share about it another timeee

CW: Neglect, Self-Degrading, Kidnapping, Violence(Being shot at), Blood, "Death"

Reader is a product of a hookup between Bruce and some random other woman, your mom

You and your mom had a decent relationship. The two of you would help each other out and have fun playing games. You were so content without knowing who your father was.

Your world begins to collapse when your mom doesn’t come home one day. A bunch of strange people suddenly come into your house and drag you out. You never understood what happened that day besides that you were now alone.

After your mother is announced dead, you find out that you are related to the millionaire, Bruce Wayne. You don’t know much about him but still find yourself put on the Wayne Manor's doorstep

Bruce had just gone through the loss of Jason and had just taken Tim in. He would have happily made some space in his schedule but a case always comes up and makes him forget about you.

Due to Bruce being too busy, you never properly mourned for your mother. Alfred would try to help you but you needed your dad.

For the first week, you locked yourself in your room, almost immediately forgotten by the rest of the family. Alfred would bring meals to your room, knowing that you aren't ready for any sort of interaction in this state. 

Alfred tries to convince Bruce to prioritize your health but there is always a case that takes up all of his attention

After that first week, you become comfortable enough to try and get out of your room at least.

With you around the manor more, the family begins to see them more often but not enough to care.

All of them were busy being vigilantes and weren’t interested in connecting with you. Sure, don't mean to neglect you, but some criminals just don't know when to stop

This worsens your mental state, making them regret not trying to bond with their family earlier. If they had tried in the beginning, then maybe they would have made connections with your new family. Now it feels like they've lost their chance

Alfred would do his best to comfort you but he could only help so much.

When you met Dick, it was when he was stopping by to talk to Bruce. You both had a fun conversation together but that was it.

After that first interaction, you tried to talk to Dick more often when he stopped by, but it seems the first time was just lucky. Dick always had something that didn't allow for a quick chat,

Meeting Jason was honestly terrifying. You were in the kitchen when you heard some noise from outside. It's dark outside so you walk up to the window to see what the sound was

Because of the darkness outside and lights inside, you mainly just see your reflection when looking outside

You squint your eyes to try to see past the reflection when a red helmet pops up and frightened you

Falling onto the ground, you stare in shock at seeing the stranger open the window and step inside

Jason tries to relax your nerves by taking off his helmet, showing he isn't a threat. It doesn't help much when you don't even know who he is

He explains himself after seeing your confused look and you both end up having a small conversation. It was nice until Bruce came in and pulled Jason away.

You never seem to meet Jason again

There were very few instances where you interacted with Tim. Even though you lived in the same house, Tim was always busy.

You’d both exchange small greetings when seeing each other in the hall but that was it. You didn't want to disturb him so you never stopped by his room

you hoped that when Tim had free time, the two could hang out. However, Tim always made plans that you couldn't fit into

Sometimes you would hear that Tim has been playing a game with his friends and you would play it but by yourself.

After a couple of years, Damian enters the family and you were so excited

Because Damian was new to the family, you thought it would be the perfect opportunity to bond with him

That didn't go well. He almost stabbed you

Your opinion of Damian was quick to go sour.

Damian's acts to show authority have gotten you scared of walking around the manor and frightened of animals. Specifically Titus.

It is quite unfortunate as you love animals and to have a dog in the family would bring you so much joy. Too bad Titus has attacked and chased you on multiple occasions

You didn't know what to do with the violence Damian had been taking out on you. You don't feel comfortable talking to Bruce and don't want to bother Alfred. This leads to you bottling up your emotions and locking yourself in your room

During your time, you spent reflecting on your life. Being in the manor isn't helping your mental health so it would be good to go outside more. Due to your constant attempts to bond with your family, you don't spend too much time with your friends from school

Seeing this as another perfect opportunity, you make plans with your friends to get out of the house and have a bit of self-care

Once the day comes, you quickly pack a small backpack and leave the house, only leaving a note for Alfred that says where you're at.

Finally getting some “fresh” air and being surrounded by those who feel more like family than your real family

You all have the best day and make plans for more get-togethers. 

It may not be the safest to be out so often but you’ve lived in Gotham your whole life, you know the safety procedures to stay safe. There isn't much news on you so people don't even recognize you as Bruce’s kid

Of course, something had to happen

You and your friends had just finished a fun day and you realize that your bike was stolen, meaning you don't have a way home. Your friends offered to take you home but you declined out of politeness. If something does go wrong, you ask your friends to call you to check up on you

Your walk home is longer than expected and it’s getting darker. As you walk through the streets of Gotham, you’re suddenly pulled into an alley and are threatened with a gun

There a three masked guys and one of them seems to have recognized you as Bruce’s kid, changing their plan to use you for ransom

You’re knocked out and taken to an abandoned building where you’re tied up to a pipe in the back

The kidnappers have a ransom letter and take it to the Wayne manor, including the small backpack you carried around

Unfortunately, Alfred was on his month-long vacation and Bruce was the one to receive the letter

He takes the time to contact "all" his kids and they're all perfectly fine and he doesn't recognize the backpack that was sent with the letter. There was a wallet but no ID card of any kind. The letter also didn't have a name on it.

Bruce brings up the case to the rest of the family but they agree that it may be a scam. 

The letter was likely from some desperate person who was trying to trick Bruce into giving money so it was put on the side while the family worked on a bigger case. 

Because of this, you’re held hostage for an unknown amount of days before the kidnappers get tired of waiting and shoot you in the gut out of frustration 

You’re filled with immense pain from the bullet before darkness consumes you.

More days pass before you wake up, still tied to a pipe and blood stained clothes

It seems your kidnappers had left your body behind rather than getting rid of it. You’ve been struggling with the rope since you have been taken and it was paying off because you can see that you can almost get your hands free.

Once you're out of the building, it is midnight. You immediately run back to the manor the moment you find a family path.

No one is there to notice you make your way back to your room. Because of how long it's been, you don't leave a trail of blood. Maybe some dirt but hopefully it won't be too hard to clean up

You debate on what action to take next. Looking in the mirror, the injury from the bullet is gone and you don't want to go to the hospital

One thing that is clear though is that you are extremely hungry and how dirty you feel. With this on your mind, you do your best to clean yourself up before going down to the kitchen

You don't feel comfortable talking to anyone so thankfully the rest of the family is busy at night,

Once you are sure no one is around, you take a bunch of snacks and hurry back to your room

In your room, you eat everything until you finally feel full. Hopefully, you don't just throw everything up because it feels so nice to finally have something in your stomach

Your nerves begin to relax and you truly take in the events that happened

How are you still alive? You were shot and haven't had food for days. What happened? Did Bruce not get the ransom letter? Why did no one save you? Did your friends call you?

Quickly remembering your friends, you look for your phone but are unable to find it. Not wanting to worry your friends, you open up your laptop to contact your friends through there. You see that you've gotten multiple calls and messages from your friends and it honestly makes you happy, knowing that there were people that worried and cared about you. You quickly text your friends and tell them what happened (Not mentioning how you survived being shot)

During your chat, the topic changes to college stuff. Your senior year has just ended a couple of weeks ago and it would be good for you to move out and be closer to those that make you happy. Also, after the kidnapping, you don’t want to be near your current family. They were the reason you were kidnapped and didn’t even bother to help you

Your friends suggest going to college outside of Gotham, perhaps in Bludhaven.

After many years of being stuck in a family that does nothing but hurt you, you got an acceptance letter for a school in Bludhaven. You were so happy and had a small celebration with your friends. Unfortunately, none of your friends would be joining you but you couldn’t wait to truly be free. 

Alfred returns from his vacation and reviews all the work that he left behind, along with Bruce’s mail. He knows Bruce has likely already reviewed them but it helps Alfred get back on pace with his work

He finds the discarded ransom letter and immediately checks up on you.

When he goes to your room, he finds the room empty besides some items that you weren’t planning to bring to college with you. This worries Alfred more and goes to Bruce’s office to confront him about the letter.

Bruce is filled with immense guilt when he realizes he forgot that you existed and now you could be dead in an abandoned building. Him and the rest of your family completely forgot about you

Bruce has an emergency meeting with everyone where he explains the situation. Once a plan is set, they all go out in the night to find you. However, they only find loose restraints with dried-up blood and a broken phone.

When the family returns to the manor, Tim goes to his room to fix the phone, Bruce and Damian go to the Batcave to review the cameras, Dick and Jason decide to visit your room

With Alfred’s help, Dick and Jason find your room and take a look around. It isn’t the biggest and barely has anything in it. 

Jason finds some old and filled journals and looks through them. There is a checklist for school work, notes to yourself, and personal entries. He understands the emotions you put in your journal and wants to protect you. Especially when he reads your last entry about your kidnapping 

Dick looks at the decorations you have on the wall. There are some glow-in-the-dark stars, some posters from school events, etc. One of the posters is for a theater show and he wonders if you were a part of it. Either an actor or tech person, Dick wonders why he never heard about your shows. He attempts to take a poster off the wall but the tape used peeled some of the paint off the wall.

Bruce loads up the camera and looks at what happened the day the ransom letter was given to Bruce. You had this happy smile as you made sure you had everything you needed before going through the front door. About a week later, Bruce sees you on the camera, in bloodied clothes and completely exhausted. This brings a wave of relief to Bruce while Damian looks closely at the camera footage. The front of your shirt is covered in blood and has a hole in it, but you seem completely uninjured. 

The last thing the two see of you is you slowly taking your stuff out of the manor and officially moving out

Bruce and Damian find your room to update Dick and Jason on their findings.

They’re thankful that you’re alive but still need to see you in the flesh. Looking around your bedroom, there aren't many clues about where you have gone. 

Tim takes a few days to fix the damage on your phone. At the very least, he needs to save the data that was kept on the phone. After messing with a few parts of your phone, he transfers all the data to his computers.

Once everything is saved, Tim lets his curiosity get the best of him and looks through all of your stuff before informing the rest of the family. All your photos, text messages, etc. He sees all the calls and voicemails your friends sent you on the day you were kidnapped.

Tim continues to learn more about your interests and your efforts to spend time with the family. You ranting to your friends about only playing a game or reading a book because someone in the family has read or played it.

Tim ends up having a copy of all your data for personal use before speaking to the rest of the family

Your phone is finally fixed and Tim can use it to find the location of your laptop. All the way in Bludhaven

With new hope, the family begins their search for you

They just need to take you home and keep you safe

Forever

[epickiya722]

You know what the moment it was revealed Izuku was left with the embers back in 424, I knew he was going to become Horikoshi's previous protagonist from 2008... Jack Midoriya.

I'm sure almost everyone has heard of Jack Midoriya, right?

Well, guess what, you are today!

Let me just point out something that I noticed when it comes to Horikoshi and his concepts and characters. Some of the characters are characters from his previous works and maybe he has used a certain concept before. Izuku Midoriya and his story is no different. It's been told before but in a different flavor.

(I kid you not that every time I think I'm done finding every character and concept Horikoshi has used before, I'm not done. I'll probably make a post of a list!)

For those who don't know, Horikoshi had an one-shot manga published back in 2008, which is 16 years ago, called My Hero. Already seems familiar, doesn't it?

Well, it should be. My Hero Academia is like a more revamped version of that story, just expanded with more added themes and characters and a different setting.

In summary of My Hero, Jack Midoriya is a salesman who wants to be a hero, but due to being anemic and failing his Hero License exam (yes, that exists), he can't become one officially. However, it doesn't stop him from trying! Throughout the story, Jack does still try to be a hero, using the gadgets the company he works for makes. Spoiler alert, by the end of the story, he is recognized as a hero. Especially, by the one person he has looked up, Snipe aka the real Positive, the mantle Jack used during his vigilante run.

Now, how does this may relate to Izuku Midoriya?

Throughout the story, it seemed that a quirk, a good one, is what was needed for someone to be a Hero. Izuku was born Quirkless and his dreams of being a Hero seemed fruitless, nearly shut down when his role model, All Might tells him so. (Which Snipe does to Jack.) However, after trying to save Katsuki, All Might sees that Izuku does have the ambition to be a Hero and Izuku inherits the One For All Quirk from him.

Now I know some of you said that was pointless for him to have a Quirk and then lose if he was going to become a Hero anyways using gadgets.

But, folks, that was it. There is a point. And the point is... it was pointless.

Here's what I'm getting...

One theme I think is often looked over is "be your unapologetic self" and another could be "work with what you have".

Izuku never needed a Quirk to be the best Hero he could be because he already had Heroic qualities, but he did need a Quirk to see that.

One For All was a Quirk that needed to be gone. It was a curse disguised as a blessing. It worked so to challenge Izuku into becoming the Hero he always meant to be. Just as Jack Midoriya did in his story.

Now that Izuku is Quirkless, he now can become that Hero. He still has room to grow and learn from what he did fail at in the past to be better in the future.

It wasn't something he was going to learn overnight just as society isn't going to change overnight.

While MHA has some fantasy elements, just like many other stories before and after, it is a reflection of the real world sometimes. One reality is that it takes a long time to finally understand something.

In real life, it takes people years to understand "Hey, that's not right" or "maybe I should change this about me".

The characters of MHA are no different.

"Society hasn't changed, there's still discrimination, there's still rankings and---"

Well, yeah. Again reflection of the real world.

And just because the changes aren't seen, doesn't mean that they can't happen or that they didn't happen.

The last chapter gave us glimpses of what transpires over the eight years. What if those events have changed? Even not then, what about later?

"What about the talk between Katsuki and Izuku?" Just because we didn't see it, didn't mean it didn't happen. It was revealed Katsuki put in a lot of money for Izuku's Hero equipment, so that's a sign for me that they did talk some more because knowing Katsuki, he wouldn't have just done that unless he knew Izuku would be okay with it somehow.

Hell, they still had two years of high school left together. You're telling me it's impossible that they didn't have a talk?!

Sometimes I feel like some of you decide "this sucks" is because you just don't have the patience to try to decipher the message yourself. You want it handed out to you.

Not me, I want a writer to challenge my imagination because that gets my mind working and really engaged with the story. I might not understand it, but it's not that big of a deal for me. I'll still try to understand and if I never get it, I'll just move on.

Really my overall take from "Izuku being Quirkless again but still a Hero" among other things is that yeah, work with what you have. Just because you receive something that may be a blessing, it will also curse you in some way. The things and changes you want won't happen overnight, it takes time. Izuku was already a Hero, or at least one in the making.

And honestly, Izuku wearing a suit (because he's a teacher) and still being a Hero with gadgets just visually is like a reminder of "I'm not forgetting where I started" from Horikoshi.

It's wholesome in a way that he went back to an earlier work and still used his intended concept for Izuku (he wanted to make him an adult but had to change it to Izuku being a high schooler) of his last chapter. Full circle! My Hero may not be Horikoshi's first work (yes, folks, it's not), but it's familiar.

And I know some of you may not care for my opinion because I'm sure this post made you feel some kind of way (not my intention, but damn it, I'm tired of not expressing how I feel), but I know some of you might.

My overall thought of the finale? It is not as bad as some of you make it out to be. I'm sure there are worse endings out there and it's not like Izuku didn't become a Hero. It's not like Izuku didn't have people by his side because he did.

"But he was lonely." Well, you would, too if you couldn't hang out with your friends. But they're adults now and busy. Izuku is busy, too, he's a teacher.

"But Izuku's feelings!" Cut it because this is the same fandom where some of you don't care how he feels. He cries, it was annoying to you. Oh, but when he was neglecting himself y'all sure was like "yeah so badass".

I see myself in Izuku with how he treats his emotions. He's expressive, but he also tends to keep in his feelings. He even keeps them from us, the audience.

"Eight years it took him to be a Hero again!" Back to my original point. Izuku was always a Hero. You don't have to go out there and fight to be one. You don't need a Quirk to be one.

Overall, I don't hate the ending at all. It have easily been worse.

Sure I would have loved more Miruko, but I'm glad she's alive and some other Heroes didn't get the spotlight like that anyways. She is still a minor character, so I'm not actually upset. 😆

[psychicreadsgirl]

Pick a Manga/Webtoons Cover: What do your dreams mean?

Pick the art that draws you the most. If you are drawn to two, you can take a look at two readings. This is a genreal reading so take what resonates and leave what doesn't behind.

#1

Your dreams symbolize possibilities of the future, likely related to romance or career. You may be facing fears that will manifest in the future or perhaps you get to see glimpses of the future through your dreams.

Sometimes your dreams may seem rather chaotic or bizarre, but somehow later down the road when you think about this dream again, you will realize that it was actually foretelling a future or a possibility of the future.

#2

Your dreams symbolize unresolved problems in the past. Likely they are related to your fears. Your dreams are forcing you to confront these unresolved issues. If left alone, these issues may stop you from feeling happy or getting the success you want in life.

You'll likely dream of people that you know or have seen, possibly even a celebrity. These people are there to set the setting of your dream and the situation. They may also represent parts of you that you dislike or want to improve on or perhaps the "issues" at hand.

#3

Your dreams reflect your present situation. Perhaps you are feeling very nervous due to some project or just feeling overall stressful. Your dreams will probably have that feeling of anxiousness. You might even be dreaming of being at school or at work, resolving issues, problem solving etc.

Whatever is bothering you in the present will be reflected in your dreams.

#4

Your dreams likely symbolize what happened in your past lives. You might be thrown in different eras or seemingly bizarre situations. You might even meet people you've never met before. You've likely cross paths with these people in your past lives.

You will learn more about yourself and your past lives through your dreams.

#5

Your dreams likely symbolize things related to the family. Possibly issues that you need to resolve with them or ways to improve your relationship with them.

Your dreams sometimes can be a way for you to recognize how others think of you. Perhaps you are in a 3rd person POV watching a situation that is happening. You're more of a "watcher" in this dream. From the situation you can understand how others think or feel about you.

#6

Your dreams reflect hidden desires or secrets that you have or want no one to find out about. There likely are some darker elements to the dreams. In some way, the dreams may feel like a horror film or a mystery film, likely you'll experience death or see death or some agony/pain in the dreams. The more you don't want others to find out about these desires/secrets, the more haunting these dreams might become. Once you feel comfortable with yourself or you let go of this fear or you confront your secrets or confess to what you've done, these dreams will probably stop.

[avoidantrecovery]

my thoughts on rejection sensitivity, fawning, criticism and how i want to get better about them

these are just some notes/me thinking aloud/me writing notes to myself and putting things into perspective/connecting some dots. maybe others can relate.

✦ abandonment/rejection based trauma leads to... ✦ needing to be accepted and liked by any- and everyone (fawning) to restore safety/ensure feeling safe which leads to... ✦ due to being stuck in trauma response/having a trauma rewired brain: strong sensitivity and fear of any kind of rejection or criticism, which leads to... ✦ responsibility for your emotions and self-perceptions are outsourced (for the lack of a better word) to (random) third persons (who are not even aware of this). which leads to... ✦ difficulty to interact and communicate with people without crushing hypervigilance, anxiety, numbing, strong emotional reactions... leads to... ✦ random third parties and their reaction to us (be it via facial expressions, tone, conversation, action or inaction, etc...) now makes or breaks our emotional state ✦ a positive reaction gives us (if we're lucky) positive emotions (dopamine, safety, elation) a negative reaction however leads to the exact opposite -> we are at the whims of random people ✦ inevitable negative feedback then leads to severe negative emotions including anxiety, shame, self-devaluing and self-abuse ✦ this becomes a cycle of wanting others to reflect that "we are good" back to us in places where it's not relevant and will lead to negative feedback and rejection, isolating and then doing it all over again.

what to do instead?

✸ realize that this is a cycle that is happening and why (trauma) ✸ be mindful and have self-compassion for your past (fawning) behaviour to avoid shame and self-hate (you were stuck in a trauma response, not doing it on purpose) ✸ realize that minute reactions of all people doesn't have to matter to you. this is something you have to practise day in day out, because your brain is stuck in this mode. ✸ it's fucked up that we often have to deal with people who are outright hostile and having a negative reaction to that is normal and healthy. however, everyone who has ever felt the overwhelming crushing sensation of rejection sensitivity knows there is a difference between that and "a healthy negative reaction". ✸ we shouldn't have to internalize and emotionally tattoo every minute thing someone else says or does to us, esp. if they are hostile ✸ it shouldn't control us for the rest of the day, week, month or even longer ✸ there is nothing we can do to control others behaviour (even by prostrating and fawning to the max), it is not even our responsibility, but we can try to better manage and process our own emotions to ensure we are not constantly dysregulated. ✸ use "the levels method" to sort to what degree someone's feedback matters to you ✸ realize that you will probably fall back into old behaviour patterns because "nerves that fire together, wire together". meaning it is through repetition that we form new habits and it's by reducing "firing" old behaviour patterns that we are able to eventually let them go.

the levels method

✸ level 1: random strangers on the street: 0.5/5 ✸ level 2: random people you see daily (neighbors, barista, etc...): 1/5 ✸ level 3: work/school people 2/5 (only professional/educational stuff matters, do not take things personal or internalize professional critic as personal critic, i know this is hard and often unfair) ✸level 4: acquaintances and friends: 3/5 ✸ level 5: family and good friends: 4/5 ✸ level 6: your own selected loved ones 5/5

☞ i just came up with this little method that i will try to use to weigh my emotions and how seriously i have to take people's reactions to me. again, it's not easy and it's something that has to be practised to get right. however, the idea is to get away from processing the random reaction of a stranger, or even of a co-worker or client, with the same intensity and seriousness of selected loved one whose feedback i obviously care about a lot.

what if i don't have loved ones?

✸ this is one thing that has been bothering me ✸ i think for some people the "outsourcing" of emotions onto other people and that whole cycle, is intensified by not having any selected loved ones due to isolation etc... ✸ it's likely that you will, perhaps without being aware of it, begin to look for emotional feedback (to feel safe due to trauma brain) from people who fall within level 1-level 3 or 4. ✸ people need social contact and if there is nobody else around we might look to have our emotional needs met by people who aren't even aware or responsible for that ✸ i am currently in this situation and all i can do for now, until i do find new selected loved ones, is to be aware when i do it and steer away from it when it happens. ✸ if you are in contact with family or friends, this can be a better outlet as random strangers or classmates/co-workers

(not medical advice, just thinking out loud)

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

I just saw the excellent post about Chuuya's loyalty and 1) how he hasn't questioned his philosophy and 2) "In a world where a "path" typically involves challenging the characters' philosophies and forcing them to reevaluate, what the hell is going to have to happen to get Chuuya to do the same?" (quoting you)

Chuuya is always used by others. He's not the only BSD character whose been taken advantage of, but it does seem to be reoccurring with him? First by the government who intended to use him as a super weapon, then by the Sheep who used him for his ability, then by mafia/Mori (getting him to join in exchange for sparing the sheep, keeping his past from him and giving him incentive to become an executive and stay in the organization). He's constantly used for his power.

Please tell me if I'm misinterpreting what you all said, but it seems (to me) that Chuuya ignores the mafia's/Mori's manipulation because they have helped him and given him a home+family, so he's instead loyal to them.

Because even though Mori has not and is using him for his power, he still allows it/goes along with it because they've helped him in the past and earned his loyalty.

So Chuuya tolerates being used.

He's now being used again, obviously, in part, because of his power. We have Fyodor referring to him as just his ability and bragging about how he can "use" him better than Dazai ("doesn't that mean you're unfit to USE a gravity manipulator")

Do you think it's possible that just being vamped and used again will cause him to reflect on his mentality? He's once again being used (but be it in far more blatant way: literal mind control. Also reminds me of Verlaine+his creator). Reflecting on how he's been used in the past and no longer accepting being used by others anymore?

Or do you think it might have the opposite affect and push him deeper into the mafia somehow

Also it's interesting that Fyodor is using him but hasn't earned his loyalty (like the sheep+mafia) and how that'll affect Chuuya

I'll get to the second ask in a bit but I'm combining these because they're related.

About the first ask: I mean, yeah, you're right about this. I don't know that I'd consider it so much "ignoring" though as "the benefits outweigh the costs so whatever", and I do want to state that I'm pretty sure Mori is genuinely at least a little fond of Chuuya (see: their conversation about leadership at the end of Fifteen), and his Mafia colleagues do respect him.

But yeah, you are absolutely right to say that there is a pattern of people who want Chuuya for his ability and his loyalty, and/or reduced him down to these traits. Playing hot potato with the escaped military lab experiment and the Mafia won (<-simplification for the funnies but still).

But here's the thing: if this was the end of it, we might expect to see some resentment mixed in there from Chuuya. He was blackmailed with the Sheep's lives. His past was intentionally locked away from him until he worked his way up to executive. That's... not great.

But instead we find pretty much only gratitude from him. Why?

Well, see, there's a reason I put the return of Chuuya's screwed up self-concept in the tags on that post, because it's kind of at the heart of his impressive loyalty. Chuuya believes that since he is the one with the strongest power, that makes him responsible for protecting everyone else, which means that he rationalizes any concern or protection directed at him as something "above and beyond", and worthy of recognition and repayment. Remember that he genuinely felt like just a vessel for power and nothing else for apparently quite a bit of his childhood, and the Sheep emphasizing that he owed them for taking him in probably did not help.

When it comes to having his back, the Mafia did this for him in a way no one else did. They protect their own, a value that aligns closely with Chuuya's own personal philosophy. The Mafia is also relatively safe from external threat, if we recall Dazai's pitch to Odasaku in Day I Picked Up Dazai - Odasaku is being targeted, but no one in their right mind would challenge the Mafia just to get to him. So, the Mafia has provided Chuuya with protection, comradery, and relative safety, which in my mind all condenses into a central need that takes precedence over everything else to him.

Chuuya's core need is actually stability.

And this makes quite a bit of sense. He started off as a kid with no memories and a whole lot of trauma he couldn't remember the roots of. One's past is a source of stability, but that had been taken from him. His position as leader of the Sheep was shaky. Even his identity as a human being was called into question. Chuuya as a kid and teen was largely untethered, separate from everyone else with no way to ground himself. Under those circumstances, something that originated as a chain could easily become a safety rope.

And once Chuuya found this stability, there was really no need for him to change anything. So he didn't. He settled into his new role and became really, really good at it, and didn't bother to re-evaluate beyond that. Why would he? That minimal core need has been met, despite the rocky beginning.

Which brings me to this second ask because it's actually incredibly relevant. Yes, Chuuya and Sigma are alike. You are not losing it anon.

Let's run a list, shall we? They both awoke with no memories and a missing history, and had their humanity called into question. They were used and blackmailed repeatedly, which they were, fortunately and unfortunately, consciously aware of. When they find something that matters to them, they become violently defensive of it. They both operate on principles of reciprocity and transaction because that is what they believe to be normal in relationships (Sigma's ability even is quite literally a transaction!). They both have pretty low standards for their assistance (Sigma hearing one (1) single person (Atsushi) be kind to him in what he thought were his last moments, Chuuya "You have helped Chuuya! Chuuya will now kill and die for you!" Nakahara).

Above all else, they are looking for stability. They are looking for a home.

As of yet, Sigma hasn't found a true home, but it seems we may be building up to him joining the ADA. The key part is Sigma's realization that the Agency doesn't rely solely on transaction. Dazai is not using the Agency, the Agency is not using Dazai. The Agency members are all helping each other. They care about each other.

Meanwhile, Chuuya has already found a place that provides his core need, but there's one caveat about the Mafia that should be clarified here - as Odasaku says in Dark Era, people within its ranks don't talk about personal matters and feelings with each other, and everyone instead keeps to themselves. If you don't talk about your issues or air them out, relations tend to stay personally shallow and dictated almost entirely by the demands and positions of the organization. This is not a conducive environment for reappraisal or self-exploration.

Unfortunately, this is ideal for Mr. Chuuya "I'll keep all my emotions right here and then one day I'll die" Nakahara.

Chuuya has found some measure of stability - solace in his own self-defined identity in spite of the initial ambiguity as to his humanity. "This is who I am", "Till those flames die down, I can't just do whatever I want", "I'm gonna do what I need to do", etc. But importantly, this identity is entangled in whichever group he happens to be a part of, which in this case is the Mafia. This kind of self-identity cannot exist without the structure of an organization. It relies on the reciprocity of a group.

Moreover, it relies on Chuuya showing very little vulnerability. Compartmentalize, and move on. He expects that of himself.

So, we've established that Chuuya has his core need for stability met by the Mafia - a relatively secure place that runs on transaction, which is familiar to him - yet it also doesn't push him out of his comfort zone with respect to emotional vulnerability and openness. What this means is that, in the Mafia, Chuuya is practically invincible, both physically (his ability, his martial arts prowess) and emotionally (personal life kept hidden and guarded as a Mafia expectation).

Unfortunately, this means Chuuya also remains stagnant as a character, which finally, finally brings me back to your original question anon.

No, I don't think the vampirism is enough to trigger change in Chuuya's character. Chuuya has some standards, and treating him like a tool (and Dazai's tool, no less) is going to seriously piss him off, but that's anger at Fyodor, and it doesn't impact his stability with the Mafia any which way. If Chuuya had've been forced to activate Corruption to escape the drowning then maybe he would've been angry with Dazai enough for something to shift (activation being his own choice is a huge theme with them), but since he didn't, I expect Chuuya will unfortunately just shrug it off and roll with it. Probably yell at him for a bit, but nothing that would have far-reaching consequences for his character unless there is something about his current situation we don't yet know.

I think for Chuuya to grow and change as a character, he needs something major to shift in his life - the threat has to come from within his place of security. He needs to be destabilized. Something needs to happen that specifically targets his tethers and his self-concept.

Personally, my money's on the destabilization of his bond with Mori, who he has the most respect for, because that might trigger development related to leadership and goals, but I guess we'll see. I think it'll probably be incredibly heart wrenching and hurt us all severely, whatever it is.

Huh. I wrote a lot. Congrats for making it to the end! I'm going to sleep now. :D

—

Edited by removing the entire middle section because it was absolute garbage and probably should’ve been its own post. I hope the rest of this holds up. That’s what I get for writing things at 2 in the morning I guess.

[riansdiary]

hey girl! so me and my online friend stopped talking with each other a while back and he blocked me so I'm trying to manifest him back but I'm obsessed and desperate about him.. what do I do?

Here's my number one best tips for manifesting:

1. Affirm naturally like you're telling a friend about what happened. Align your thoughts with your desires meaning think like you have it now. Only whenever you think about it or when you want to

2. The 3d doesn't have a meaning, you give meaning to it. You getting desperate and obsessing means that you're giving the 3d a negative meaning and that you're accepting that circumstance as a fact or that you don't have it. Just observe the 3d and choose to change self because the 3d is just a mirror and will reflect you. You want him to unblock you? Okay, he unblocked you now. Accept that it's true and a fact now. Choose to think in your favor. You're not seeing it in the 3d? Why would you check that? It's literally the past. From the past thoughts and assumptions you had. What you focus on grows so why not focus on the fact that you're talking again? Don't ever pay attention to what you don't want. Always know that if you do, you are doing that yourself and choosing to let that circumstance stay and stick in your reality.

For example:

Me when my parents were talking about something we needed to pay and it's something negative

Rian: *on her phone and is just observing. She decides to go back to her phone and not pay attention because she does not relate to that anymore. That's not her reality anymore. She chose to think in her favor so what does she do? She dismisses it in her mind and says "I'm a billionaire, I can literally pay that in a second. There's nothing to worry about."

This actually happened and that's when I understood more of the law so I hope my experience can help you!

3. Persist. Say "it's already done" every time you think about it. Please think that it's already actually done because it is. In the mean time, distract yourself by doing what makes you happy. Ask yourself "What would make me feel the happiest to do right now?" The first thing that popped up, you should do that. For example, I make myself happy by doing what I love to do! I watch movies especially Disney, Ghibli and Barbie movies because they are very healing for me! Please please think in your favor! Remember and assume that nothing can ever ruin your manifestations because they're here and they're done! Shift your thoughts to the person who is talking to her online friend again and got unblocked! Every time you think of it just affirm "it is done/it's already here, it's already done, nothing left for me to do" and then force yourself to think of something else.

[theminecraftbox]

fuck it. while c!punz and c!dream's relationship has more to it than being just about power, obviously, and involves a lot of trust on both sides, obviously, it's kind of impossible to acknowledge that power isn't a big part of their dynamic? even ignoring the mercenary aspect of their relationship, what c!punz is specifically entrusted with while working closely with c!Dream is being an enforcer, particularly of c!Tommy's exile. having the revive book. keeping an eye on the server, and being put in charge explicitly after c!Dream goes to prison. running magical experimentation. when c!Dream is imprisoned, c!Punz seems to look into the Egg, though it's unclear if he does so by himself or because of c!Dream and to what ends. after c!Dream's being broken out of prison, once again we largely see c!Punz acting primarily as a partner in magical research and as an informant particularly with regards to c!Quackity related matters, both in scrapped lore and LN5. interestingly enough, what he does do over and over again, what c!Dream gives him over and and over again, is power. on the other hand, when we touch on c!Dream's ideological motivations and his desire for peace, the person that most obviously reflects these desires in his allies is NOT c!punz, but rather c!Ranboo, who had a whole wall of signs of his goals that aligned eerily well even in wording with what c!Dream had mentioned in the past. it's not to say that c!punz doesn't care about c!dream outside of power, of course not. it's obvious that c!punz does care about c!dream. but the aspect of power and how it's offered c!punz is a huge part of c!drunz as a whole, and is interesting when that whole aspect of the relationship between c!dream and his allies re: c!punz seems to exist in an interesting contrast to how c!endersmile was repeatedly shown during that same period of time (fallen down/asgore, people not sides, unite the server/big happy family, the lessons, c!ranboo seeming to have communicated with c!dream regularly both before and after prison to the point where the end of c!dream's voice appearing happened because of a lack of interactions meaning that that memory wasn't as strong (iirc), c!punz being the one to put c!dream in the prison and c!ranboo being the primary person to communicate with while in the cell and the one that facilitated his escape, the list goes on)

strongly agree / agree / ambivalent / disagree / strongly disagree / don't care whatsoever

🙌 I had a whole post percolating about c!Punz and power at one point. where'd that fella go. Anyway I also think this point is interesting in the context of exactly how long Punz was left in limbo (lol) while Dream was in prison, and the frustrations that must have been inherent to that. It was while Dream was in prison that Punz fell (briefly) to the corrupting influence of the Egg, which, yknow, I wonder what it told him.

Furthermore, in LN5, I'd argue Punz is reacting to the sense of powerlessness/directionlessness he experienced during the prison arc. He's either taken or been delegated the power to get vengeance on Dream's behalf. And he's not really *shy* about this. In fact he's pretty damn upfront about it. It's personal and he's angry and he's not really pretending it's for higher-minded goals.

Yet another reason to mourn the fall of c!Ranboo is to mourn the death of the (presumable) ideological foil to c!Punz: a character without much interest in power and without as much personal fondness for c!Dream, but whose motivations seemed to align more closely with c!Dream's than c!Punz's did.

[railingsofsorrow]

Colorless Mountains

[BAU team x reader]

request: “Hello, hope you're having a good day/night. I was wondering if I could request BAU Team x GN reader who has Marie Antoinette syndrome?

[...] maybe reader has a dark past and that's when it first started but what if it got worst after being kidnapped and tortured by an unsub?”

A/N: based on some research, I'm using the assumption that the marie antoniette syndrome is not permanent, meaning that reader suffered from hair-whitening after something traumatic that happened and then her hair became colored again. just keep that in mind so it doesn't get confusing, okay? that's all. thank you for the request and good reading!

summary: during a case in New York, you come in contact with an unsub whose backstory hits too close to home.

pairing: platonic!BAU team x gn!reader

w.c: 6.2K

warnings/content: case related violence; explicit discussions of past trauma; mentions of sexual abuse and PTSD and being taken advantage of; the alternation in the use of pronouns to refer to the unknown subject is intended (hate that they only use He to refer to a suspect, completely ruling out women, who are just as capable of committing crimes); mention of scars and substance abuse; hurt/comfort; reader is mean at some point; recovery is not a linear path; smoking; platonic relationships are the main focus; grammar mistakes probably; for the love of god do not take!! the profile!! seriously!! I am not an expert; nerds geeking about scouting knots; friendly banter.

navi

masterpost

requested by @xweirdo101x

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

❝ some memories never

leave your bones.

like salt in the sea; they

become part of you

— and you carry them. ❞

[ paper wings ]

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION — BEHAVIORAL ANALYSIS UNIT DEPARTMENT

Getting back to work after a traumatic event can be unnerving.

It's actually the hardest part of a recovery process; turning back on your fears — or rather facing them face to face without running to hide in a corner straight away.

You've done that a few times in your life. Running away, hiding. Although, back then, you didn't have anyone to catch you if you were falling. So why shouldn't you hide? Why shouldn't you run? It wouldn't have made a difference. Leaving the past behind is the best alternative you've got. It's not cowardice, it is a matter of protection.

That's what it was for you, anyway.

The scars don't disappear when you leave the place that broke you, they decorate your arms and scrape the skin that once was clean. They stay as a reminder. And looking yourself in the mirror becomes a rare occurrence because you fear what you're going to see is merely a shattered reflection. Which is true.

In your case — besides the white lines across your body — there is your hair.

The Marie Antoinette Syndrome is not very well-known. Despite your skepticism, you couldn't simply deny the fact that it was very much real after your hair turned sheer white overnight when you were seventeen.

The syndrome is caused by high levels of emotional stress on one's body. Surprisingly, age is not a determining factor in this case, people of all ages can be affected by this hair-whitening process.

You spent four days in the hospital, three of those had doctors coming in and out of your room, doing blood tests, repetitive questions, throwing you into MRI's and whatnot so they could attempt to figure out why your hair lost all its color.

Attempt failed. If they had done some reading, maybe, they could have spared you from being poked and prodded and exposed so much. It was a psychiatrist who cracked your case. She gave you one of many explanations, of course, and that's when you remembered reading about the condition but never giving it much thought — until it happened to you.

The Marie Antoinette syndrome, also knowns as Canities Subita, was named after Queen Marie Antoinette. According to historical facts — which Spencer rambled on and on about when you first entered the BAU — the queen's natural hair turned white the night before her execution in 1793. She was only 35 years old.

What happens is that the amount of hardships and distress a person goes through can cause the production of melanin in the color of one's hair to be compromised.

Nine years ago, in the first night you spent on the hospital after the worst day of your life, your hair had lost all the darkness it always carried. Besides the innocence that was striped from you that night, every time you looked in the mirror you saw a stranger staring back. A ghost, if you will.

Nothing had been the same.

It's a common thing to happen to a human being: you never believe something awful is going to happen to you, until it does.

And then, you end up in the hospital again. Usual hair color gone and a new trauma to add to the list. That's the nicest way to put it.

“I told you I am fine.”

You said to Penelope for the third time that morning. She had cornered you as you poured coffee in your mug in the kitchenette area.

“You weren't supposed to be back yet,” she hissed, poking your shoulder. “Hotch gave you a week off. More if needed, may I add — don't look at me like that, yes, I overheard.” She interrupts before you even said anything. “Why are you back after three days?” You ignore the way her voice softens at the last part, admitting the tone of pity. You didn't need anyone pitying you, especially people from your team.

“I'm fine,” you shrug, lifting the mug to your lips. “My leg is perfect, I'm sleeping like a princess and I'm ready to work.” You're also very good at lying but that was not your best act.

Before the blonde could call you out on your bullshit, her phone chimes with a text.

“We have a case.”

Saved by the bell.

The surprised looks you receive when you enter the conference room are enough to increase your annoyance, but you mask it. It's fine, that's expected. You'd be surprised if any of them had returned to work three days after being abducted. That's not enough time to recover, but you couldn't stay at home with the presence of intrusive thoughts looming over your brain.

You needed to do something other than laying down in fetal position on your bedroom. Anything to make your mind occupied, and working helps with that.

“Three bodies were found in Forest Park, New York. Lewis Jenkins, Mason Reeves and Caleb Marshall. And before you ask, crime fighters, yes, they did have a connection. All three went to the same university, St. John's. They even attended most of their classes together and formed a fraternity house of some sorts.” Garcia couldn't stop her disgusted expression. “I honestly think these should be extinguished.”

“Fraternity houses?” Derek chuckled softly, clicking on another page of the casefile on the tablet. “They are not that bad, sweets.”

“I can say that sorority houses can be a nightmare,” Emily mumbles under her breath. “Were all of them found in that same position? And tied up?”

“Yes,” Penelope zooms in on one of the photos that displayed one of the men's bodies with his arms tied up behind their back, as well as their feet, with a rope. “However, Lewis Jenkins...” the slide switched to a body with a slight difference in the M.O. The man's hands were tied up in front of his body and his legs were untied unlike the other two.

“What if he was the first victim?” JJ chimes in.

Rossi nods, “Jenkins could have been a trial run and then he evolved.”

“The other two clearly have a pattern.” Emily says. “Both are positioned in the same way with almost the same lacerations.”

“They used the double overhand knot.”

Spencer's head snaps into your direction. “I was about to say that.”

You clear your throat, noticing every pair of eyes fall on you. “That's one of the knots you learn when you're in scout camp. They have categories like boating and climbing...” You examine the picture more carefully, studying the threading with familiarity. At least those three summers you were forced to be on scout camp were worth something now. “The double overhand knot can be used on both situations.”

“It's also a stopper knot,” Spencer's voiced as his eyebrows knit together in mild confusion. “That's an... interesting choice.” You stare at him with amusement after hearing the slight judgy tone he let slip. He clearly did not approve the use of such knot.

When Hotch checks his wristwatch, you know it's time to head out. The discussion is interrupted and continued on the jet as you flew to New York.

QUEENS, NYC — FOREST PARK

As you arrive at the disposal site, that you, Derek and JJ were responsible to check, the heat immediately made you wish you had bring a bottle of water. When you saw the warning about a heatwave you didn't expect it to be that bad.

“This is just a dump site.” JJ observes the surroundings as the CSI professionals collected physical evidence. You quietly analyze the location of each body while pulling your strands up into a bun so your hair would stop sticking to your neck.

“The unsub may come out here to relive his work.”

“They obviously has a vehicle, most likely a truck or a van.” You agreed with Derek, not seeing any possibility of the crime actually happening there. Not the entire thing, at least.

JJ brushes a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear, “Still...” she drawls, “there are no tire marks close by. And the road is at least thirteen thousand feet far from here.”

“Maybe he had help?” Derek seems doubtful of his opinion.

“Or we could be close to where they keep the victims hostage.”

“Either that or there's something significant to him about this place. But what?”

Both JJ and Derek share hums, exhibiting they were on-board with your idea.

INTERROGATION ROOM 3 — 112th POLICE PRECINCT, NYC

Four out of the seven FBI agents watched the interrogation happen through the one-way mirror. Inside the room, Spencer and JJ conducted the interview side by side as the witness, Felicity Lance, sat in front of them. Her arms folded across her chest as she stared holes at the grey table.

She was nervous, that much was clear. What was left for you to know was the reason for her uneasiness.

Last night, Garcia gave you some interesting information on a few of St. John's students.

“So she was the last person to see Mason alive?” Emily asked.

Garcia hummed in agreement. Then a gasp echoed through the audio. “You won't believe what I just found.”

“I would be great if you shared, baby girl.”

“Okay, so remember that I told you all three belonged to the same crowd in college?” A collective yes echoed through the room. “Guess what: Caleb Marshall's brother, Riley Marshall, and Patrick Moore were also part of that disgusting crew. And why disgusting, you may ask? Because both faced harassment charges filed by Riley's ex-girlfriend, Felicity Lance.”

Thus, the witness you were currently questioning right now wasn't only the last person to see one of the victims, but also someone who had motive to hurt Lewis, Caleb and Mason. After building up the profile, she was also a suspect.

“You keep saying he but what if it's a woman?” You muttered with annoyance at their choice of words.

Derek had given you a skeptical look. “She'd have to have a lot of strength to carry out all of this herself.”

“She doesn't necessarily has to be working alone.” Emily catches your point. “What if her best friend is just as mad as she is by Riley Marshall and his friends that they decided to take justice into their own hands?”

You had stopped focusing on the interview half an hour ago. The main reason was the incessant pounding in your head that got in the way of your thinking. You didn't have the best sleep last night, tossing and turning the entire time, besides your leg, where you had been shot four days ago, was giving you trouble.

You missed the time when painkillers used to be magical. Ever since you started working in the BAU no amount of pills would diminish your migraines.

“She kept the same story she told the police,” JJ informs as they strode back into the room you were gathered in.

“She's consistent.” Spencer adds, walking forward. “But any time we mention Sylvia she gets defensive. It could be a coping mechanism for her death.”

Leaning back on the wall, you press your thumb against your forehead, taking a deep breath in for two seconds and exhaling for three.

“Does the last name Marshall carry any relevance in New York?” You blurt out, forcing the discussion in the room to halt immediately.

Deputy Ray is the one who speaks up, “Gary Marshall.” He pauses. And you don't need to have your eye on him to realize the way he's cautious about his next words. “He's a politician that has a strong influence in the city. Also part of the city council.”

You let out a scoff and the room becomes silent. Of course he's part of the city council. This is how the charges were dropped. Why wouldn't Gary Marshall fix his son's problems if he has money to spare? And you have the assumption that this wasn't Felicity's idea.

You know you should avoid reacting like this, but your body seems to be having a mind of its own and your mood is getting sour by the minute. You just really needed to lay down.

The voices again felt like far away waves in your ears and you suspect part of the dizziness in your vision is due to the lack of water in your system. There's a heatwave happening and when was the last time you hydrated yourself?

Derek's voice nagging you to drink water echoes through your mind. Okay, you would admit that he was right after you followed your gut.

“Hotch, can I try something?” You prompt, eyes glued to Felicity's fidgety frame.

You realize that the Deputy was gone and the only ones left in the room are you, Derek and your boss. The rest was probably in the other interrogation room to question Riley and Patrick.

Your eyes snap to him. Stern gaze studying you thoroughly, scrutinizing every twitch he could find in your expression. He's caught your attention drifting somewhere else. You bet he even knew where your mind wandered a minute ago, you just hoped he didn't catch the wave in your step.

“Are you alright, Y/L/N?”

Derek was about to ask the exact same question when you cut him off.

“Yes. Can I try something with her?” You bring back the focus on the real matter. You had lies to dig around here, lives at stake, certainly your well being wasn't more important than that in the moment?

Hotch seems to internally struggle but he settled for accepting your request. You ignore the look of disbelief Derek offers him before you enter the interrogation room, where Felicity is.

You introduce yourself and offer her some water. She looks hesitant but she takes a sip of the plastic cup.

Felicity has kind eyes — it's the first thing you observe when you enter the room. Her make-up is smudged and that's not the only thing that reveals she has been crying, another indication of that are the bloodshot eyes that you weren't able to see through the one-way mirror.

“So you think Felicity Lance and Sylvia Kosorog did this?”

“I think it's a way too personal and specific M.O to be ruled out.” You sigh.

“The bodies didn't have any sign of sexual assault, did they?” You ask Spencer and Rossi, who were responsible to check the coroner's reports.

“No,” Spencer said. “And the ligature marks were made post mortem. However, when the garrote was used, they were still alive.”

The wall between the two of you bothered you. But now you could analyse from the tone of her voice to every movement she makes without mistaking it for your declining senses. The fact that you were no longer standing helped on stabilizing your breathing for the moment. You feel fine.

“Am I a suspect?” Felicity gulps down the water fast. “Is that why you haven't let me go yet? Cause I was in my dormroom the entire night Caleb was killed.”

You brows raise in faux surprise. “Oh, no. Don't worry, this is just protocol. We don't think you lied in your statement.”

Her shoulders slump as she leans back, visibly relieved.

“I do have something that made me curious though,” you pull up the file that had been laying on your lap ever since you sat down. Felicity's eyes narrow at the manila folder. “was it you that filed a harassment charge against Caleb two years ago?”

She looked back up at you, frowning. “Caleb? No. I didn't file anything against him though he certainly deserved it.”

Tilting your head, your eyes scan over Felicity's statement in front of you. The silence was too much for her as you expect it would be, so she gave you the starting point you needed.

“You took what back?” You ask, folding your arms. “The charges? The ones that claimed he sexually harassed you along with Patrick Moore?”

“I used to date Riley Marshall. He's, uh, he's one of the last people that saw Caleb alive. They're friends so I'm sure he'll be here anytime now too...” She was picking at her cuticles. “We had a fight, I was mad and I wanted to get back at him. That's why I took it back.”

“He didn't do it.” You watch the clench in her jaw and how she struggle to swallow the lie she is about to say. It sounds rehearsed as if she has been repeating that out loud for a long time. “I told you, I was mad and I wanted to—”

“—get back at him. Yes, you mentioned that.” You push the crime photos towards her. It took a whole minute for Felicity to absorb what are in those images and even when her eyebrow twitches, her expression remains almost emotionless. Not looking away. “Have you seen these before?” You know she has. JJ and Reid had brought it up when they were interviewing her. She had the exact same reaction. There is hatred underneath that mask she worked hard to keep impassive. It was hard to remain numb over crime scene pictures, or feel something other than disgust for the people who have hurt you. Physically or emotionally. You could say that for sure.

Felicity gives you an unimpressed look. “What do you want me to say?”

“Nothing.” You shrug. “Well, I mean. If someone that hurt me had ended up like that... I wouldn't be sad either.”

“He deserved it.”

You give her a careful look, she pushes all of the pictures back to you harshly.

“Felicity, why do you keep saying that? You dropped the charges, right? I don't see any reason why boys like that would deserve such an awful death.”

She scoff, eyes glazing with fury. Bingo. “Boys like that. Do you have any idea how many times I've heard that? How brilliant they are. How lucky I was to be dating Riley Marshall – He is not the prince charming people claim he is! None of them are. You think my charges were dropped out of nowhere? How many girls do you think didn't do the same thing just so they could have a peace of mind? Sylvia got the worst of it!”

“Sylvia, your best friend?” You ask, offering some tissues. You have dropped the act now. There was no point in playing devil's advocate now that you got what you wanted.

Spencer tapped his pen against his knuckles. “Felicity didn't express any other emotion beside forced indifference while seeing the crime scene photos.” He paused. “Beneath the mask there was anger. More than that, rage.”

“As if she wanted to be relieved but their death brought only the despair of injustice.” You completed his train of thought.

She was seventeen. First year in college with the major that she chose and work her ass of for. Then, in a random night five assholes ruin her life because they simply wanted to have fun. Death is the least they could suffer. Hell, it's too easy. How can people escape unscathed as they destroy you?

Long story short, your theory was right. Sylvia Kosorog was responsible for the murders and Felicity Lance knew about it, but she was not involved in Sylvia's plan, which consisted on murdering Riley Marshall, the man who had raped her during a party back in her first year of college, and the rest of his friends and brother, Mason Reeves, Patrick Moore and Caleb Marshall, who had covered for him and lied when she tried to get the justice he needed.

Felicity nods, sniffling. “She... She was never the same after what happened.”

And well, Gary Marshall tried paying her off as well as he did with Felicity Lance.

Lewis Jenkins was in the wrong place at the wrong time, Sylvia never planned on hurting him because he was not involved, although he was friends with Riley's crew.

“We're going to follow a lead,” JJ approaches you as she readjusted her bulletproof vest. Her meticulous gaze laid heavily upon you and you had a suspicion it was about the cigarette dangling from your lips.

You acknowledge her with a nod, “I know, I was in the room when Garcia found the location.” And when Hotch ordered me to stay back.

“Are you okay?”

“Why wouldn't I be?” You slowly let out the smoke, turning to her.

JJ sighs, her frustration is very much explicit but that doesn't phase you.

“You're compartmentalizing.” She firmly stated, diverting her attention from your cigarette to you. “Ever since you came back, it's like you're not here. Your mind is always elsewhere—”

“I'm doing my job just like you are, JJ.” You snap, throwing the cigarette in the nearby trash can. She had hit a nerve.

“I'm not talking about your professional skills. But this is not how you heal, you avoid talking about it all together and...” Her hands clasp on both of your shoulders, bringing you closer. “I'm worried. You're not being you, Y/N.”

“What is there to talk about?” You step out of her reach, earning a hurtful look. “I was kept hostage and tortured for a day and a half, almost killed a man, I can't take off this fucking sweater or else all of the barely healed wounds on my arms will be on display and just as I was getting used to the normal color of my hair, this happens.” You pulled some of your white strands irritably. “Is that what you need me to say? Do you need be to scream it from the rooftops, JJ?”

And I can't get over my past. It follows me and it buries me beneath the earth of my sorrows. I can't crawl out of that endless mountain.

She's taken aback by your response, you can tell when she almost flinches at your jab.

“And who are you to tell me I'm compartmentalizing?” You run a hand through your face as a humourless laugh escapes you. “You were back to work not even two days after being held captive and tortured as well. You couldn't stop looking over your shoulder for more than ten minutes and your trust on anyone was definitely compromised—not that you trusted people completely before either. Don't point my flaws at me when you have no idea how to deal with your own issues too, Jennifer.”

That was a low blow and you're plenty aware of that. But you are tired of your friends trying to fix your problems. You are an adult and you've been dealing with the same things your whole life, by yourself, it is none of their concern.

MOTEL — ROOM 72, NYC

“Okay,” she says shortly, shoulders tense. “If you want to talk, you know where to find me.” She walks away when Hotch announces they are leaving.

The jet wouldn't be ready until the morning, so you were stuck in New York for one more night. Granting you one sleepless night in an itchy mattress of an old motel room. If you were at home, at least you could stare at your blue ceiling.

The case didn't end well.

They were able to find Sylvia, who had Riley Marshall as hostage. He was her endgame, had been all along. Riley Marshall was the one who took advantage of her as she was drunk. He was the one who spiked her drink as all of his friends watched the scene happened like it was a TV show on display.

Riley lured Sylvia out to the beach, tied up her arms and legs with a rope and raped her. A couple of pictures from the incident were found in his dorm room and he was finally arrested. Along with Patrick Moore. Nothing much Gary Marshall could accomplish with his strong influence now. Thankfully.

Sylvia killed herself.

You kept wondering that if you had been there, you could've talk her out of it. But ever since the beginning, her mind was set. Still, the what if's haunt you.

They have haunted you for nine years. You are aware you can't go back in time and make different choices; the only choices that matter are the ones you make in the present. But what if you had accepted your friend invitation to go to the party instead of choosing to stay reading in your college bedroom? What if you had chose to lock your room instead of leaving it unlocked for your roommate? What if you hadn't fallen asleep so quick? What if you hadn't trust him enough to let him come to your room as he pleased in the middle of the night? What if you hadn't accepted that joint?

What if...

From the moment you left your apartment, three days ago, your skin had been on fire, your brain replaying memories you didn't want to relive ever again. That night. That person who you used to call your best friend. The unsub who burned scars into your arm a few days back.

Why can't your brain repress those things as it did to childhood? Why can't it feel like a fuzzy flashback which you wonder if it is true or if you made it up? Those memories, you know they happened. You know for a fact because you can feel them everywhere.

Maybe getting back to work right away wasn't the best option. But deep down, you chose gruesome pictures and murder facts over the horrifying silence of your apartment for a reason you didn't want to admit.

Recovery is hard. But does it ever get easier?

“Penny for your thoughts?”

You flinch at the sudden disruption of silence in the room. Your breath hitches before Derek's frame cleared up for you.

“Sorry,” he says softly, inching closer to sit at the edge of his bed. The old wood creaking loudly. Right, you were divided into pairs because of the budget. “I didn't mean to scare you.”

“It's fine, I just didn't even remember we would share a room.” Your stance relaxes bit by bit. It's been a while since your trust issues bothered on sharing a bedroom with another person. Thanks to therapy. You needed to get back to that.

You can feel his stare burning on your cheek and you request him to spit it out.

“You can talk to me, you know that, right?”

Annoyance wash over you. “Did JJ put you up to this?”

Derek furrows his eyebrows, “No?” He scans you for a brief second then sighed. “I just want you to know that you can. If you want.”

“I would appreciate if you all just stop babying me.”

“We're not babying you and you know that.”

“Feels a lot like it,” you say through gritted-teeth, searching for your nightwear.

Derek leans back on the headboard, eyes slipping shut. “I'll be here when you stop being a brat about it.” He let out in a whisper, a smile curling at the edge of his mouth as if he knew you better than you knew yourself.

He probably does. He most certainly does.

Derek Morgan is the person who you are the closest to in the team. Penelope coming right after him.

At first, you had warmed up to Spencer due to you being close in age, though your interests weren't that similar. Derek had this whole flirty persona going on that intimidated you at first but you quickly became attached to each other. He understood your silence and you understood his. He didn't force you to speak up, he just reminded you that he was there, like tonight.

Sometimes, it is nice to have that reminder.

“I can't stop thinking that that could have been me.”

You don't meet his gaze, knowing for a fact he is listening because he had only one of his headphones on before you got into the bathroom to brush your teeth.

“It's not you,” the bed creaks under his shifting. “It will never be you.”

When you finally turn your attention to him, he's patiently waiting for you to carry on with a reassuring smile.

“Y/N, you're not a bad person.”

“It could have been.” You push, pulling your knees to your chest. It's such a vulnerable topic; your past. It never gets easier talking about it. It's never something you cherish in remembering. “There was a point in my life were all I could think of was revenge. Even if he went to jail. Even if he was rotting in there. I wanted him to suffer the same way that I suffered. But it still wouldn't be enough. It would never be enough.”

“I wanted to kill him.”

“Well, when you told me what happened, I wanted to kill him too.” Your best friend admits, causing your brows to shot up. He offers you a look that silently asks what? “And let me tell you something,” he pauses, completely taking off his headphones and moving to a sitting position. “If I had found the bastard, I would've ended him right there.”

Your lips twitch slightly, “You would've kicked a door in his face?”

“Yeah, yeah.” He points at you as you laugh, a grin stretching up on his face. “Keep giggling, Snow White. But I'm not joking around.”

You turn your body on the side, bringing the comforter to your torso. You take a long breath before speaking. “You know, what happened that night... What he did, doesn't bother me as much as what I could have done.” And you keep going, interrupting his protest. “I could have fought harder. I could have screamed louder. I could have— I could have— kicked or grabbed the pocket knife in my bag that was so close... but I didn't. I didn't do any of that. I couldn't move, Derek. I was— I was useless. When I look in the mirror, all I remember is how I woke up in the next morning.” The white in my strands make sure of that. It takes me back to the worst day of my life every time.

“You were seventeen, Y/N.” You shook your head, groaning. He wasn't having any of that though. “You're telling me you should have been prepared for something terrible to happen to you? For someone you trust your life with to just break you into pieces?”

“I was a coward,” you say shakily.

“Don't you ever say that. Hey, look at me. Y/N,” he calls out sternly. When you glance up at him, he's giving you a serious look. “Don't ever say that again. You are one of the bravest people I have met. And despite of everything you went through, you are nothing but kind and loveable. If you tell me that's cowardice, then I'm sorry but you're very wrong.”

“What happened that night,” he adds with caution, “it was not your fault. The only person to blame is him and him only, do you hear me? And he will rot in jail because of that. He doesn't deserve anything but that.”

His words sit in your head for a while and he allows you to bask in the comforting quietness.

“Thank you.” You whisper to the darkness after you both have turned your bedside lamp off. “You're one of the bravest people I've met too.”

“No need to thank me, Snow White.” You can hear his smile. He throws you one of his pillows and you shriek, dumbfounded. “And you're beautiful. Colorless hair or not.”

You stay quiet, smiling softly.

“Call me Snow White one more time and I'll rip the hair you don't have in your head off.” You say after a while and the sound of his chuckles is the last thing you hear before you fall into a deep slumber.

That's the first time in a long time that you sleep through the whole night.

BAU PRIVATE JET

JJ is pouring coffee in seven mugs when you approach her. You can't help thinking she should throw one of those mug at you, it's what you deserve.

“Need help with that?”

Her smile is tight and she doesn't look at you.

“That's okay, I got this.”

You bite your cheek, “JJ.” She halts as she's grabbing the tray, you take that as your cue to continue. “I'm sorry for the way I treated you, it wasn't fair. You were just trying to help and I was too in over my head to notice it. I am truly sorry.”

You feel as if you can finally breathe when your friend looks at you. “I get it, it's... it's okay. I shouldn't have pushed you to talk about it either.”

“What I said, it was way out of line.” You insist. “You're my friend and it wasn't right to throw that at your face. I know how much you struggled getting back to work, I— I was just angry. Not at you, at myself.”

JJ nods understandingly, a smile curving the corners of her mouth. “I know, Y/N. And I get it, really. If anything, I should apologize too, it wasn't my intention to make you uncomfortable.”

“I'll forgive you if you forgive me.” You give her a cheeky smile that she replies with an eye roll and promptly orders you to take everyone's coffee to them. That's when you're sure the two of you are okay.

You feel a soft squeeze in your shoulder, when you turn around you see Aaron walking past you to sit down in his seat beside Rossi. Earlier this morning, he had praised the way you conducted the interview with Felicity Lance. Then, proceeded to lecture you about your interrupted recovery process while giving a pointed look at your still unhealed leg.

You have the next few days off. And Penelope is already sending never-ending lists of options to make you busy. Your phone is blowing up.

Your head snaps up mid-typing as you feel eyes glued to you. Spencer is leaning on his hand, head tilted to the side as he lazily blinks up at you and downwards. Confused, you follow his gaze and immediately understood what he meant.

The chess board stared at you and a black piece had already moved forward.

“You know,” you turn your phone off after sending a quick reply to Penelope. “it's not fair. You already had a wide angle of the game.”

Spencer shrugged, unbothered. “You took too long to make your move.”

“I need a verbal warning, Reid. Surprisingly, I still can't use telepathy.”

“Telepathy is overestimated. The most unique and not very well-known supernatural ability is chi manipulation.” You watched amusedly as he happily gesticulates his hands to ramble about the topic. “It consists of the fortification of the mind, body and soul in order to acquire bodily functions like self-healing, pain resistance and superhuman strength. This kind of ability actually gained more recognition in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, through Doctor Strange's character.”

You gaped at him, letting the chess piece slip from your hand. “You watched the film!”

He paused, lowering his hands to his lap. “You recommended it.” He said as if it were the most obvious thing.

“Yeah, but it's Marvel. I didn't thought you'd actually watch it. What did you think? Who did you love? Who did you hate?”

“And... There we go.” Rossi mumbles a few seats back with a soft sigh.

Emily snickers. Her eyes were shut but she could hear the conversation in the seat beside hers. She stole a look at yours and Spencer's animated comments and hand gestures.

“Kids, hush!” Emily exclaims, throwing a paper ball at them. She hit Spencer's forehead and a laugh bubbles out of her. Ouch.

Their paper ball rustle made everyone let out a collective groan as you watch everything silently, your face slowly breaking into a grin.

Recovery is hard. But you haven't been the only one that went through it. And if you have these people by your side, your team, you believe you can do anything.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

❝ I can't abandon the person

I used to be,

so I carry her. ❞

[ unknown ]

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

sources: [1] [2]

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

A/N: sorry for taking so long to post, I hope it was worth it <3

[evangelinesbible]

MY SOLAR RETURN

Giving you all a look at my solar return and giving descriptions of my planets and angles. I’ve already done a post taking about my asteroids and other objects. Although I did get a chart reading from “AriesJupiter” here on tumblr I’ll be putting my own interpretations too.

PLANETS

SUN - PISCES 12H

The sun sign is always going to be your natal sun so the house placement is what really matters. Sun in the 12H might mean that this year will be full of self reflection on the ego. taking the time this year to really dig deep and figure out all of blockages and insecurities I have. Becoming more spiritual, taking extra care of my metal health, and figuring out the true intentions behind my desires. 12H is the last house in the zodiac so this year might be the end of endless cycles that I've been going through in the years past.

MOON - SAGITTARIUS 8H

Same sign as my natal (lol) but different house. This year will probably be very emotional and will involve events that will transform me emotionally. I might find the freedom that I've been longing to have, and it will forever change me. How positive I am and my beliefs may change this year and will stay that way for a long time. anything that I've experienced in the past that has traumatized me or left me feeling hurt I might be able to emotionally face this year and it will help me figure out what it means to feel emotionally free.

MERCURY - PISCES 12H

My mind might be in a constant state of escapism (more than it usually is lol) I might be making plans in secret this year that pertain to music/the arts/acting. I might become more private and seclusive this year and keep most of my thoughts/ideas to myself. if I have a lot of dreams this year I should probably write them down. Again since the 12H is about closure than anything that I've been writing or planing for the past few years will finally be complete and ready to distribute to the world.

VENUS - ARIES 1H

Since the 1H can represent new beginnings Venus being in the 1H can mean that physically I change my style or I find ways to enhance my beauty with whatever else gets naturally enhanced this year. More bold and trendsetting styles/makeup. This year might also feel like a new start in self love and finding new things that I enjoy to do. with it being in Aries it could mean that I might be more adventurous this year and do things spontaneously in ways that boost my self esteem and self love. people will see it too, they'll see my beauty in a new way, they'll see how confident I am, and they'll see how independent Ive become. I might be more spontaneous in relations as well, I might become very confident flirting and showing my body.

MARS - GEMINI 3H

This year I might be moving at a faster pace. wanting to do everything just cause. I might want to do thing that involves seeing other people and communicating with people. I might put all my energy into making more connections with people online. issues with siblings might happen since mars does rule over aggression.

JUPITER - ARIES 1H

Most of my luck will involve my physicality. I might get many opportunities and are money because of my looks/beauty/body. I'll have a lot of luck doing things independently (meaning working for myself). I might gain some popularity or grow to be known as someone who is independent and confident in themselves and style. This placement might mean that three a glow to me this year that everyone will be able to see.

SATURN - PISCES 12H

Although it is apparent that there will be many things ending for me this year that doesn't mean that till be tied up in a pretty little bow. ill have to make hard choices to get where I want to go mentally, physically and in success. a lot of blockages and many times this year I'll feel extremely mental drained and challenged. finding way to turn my escapism and tendency to daydream into something substantial will be a way I might mature this year. Another way is tapping into my empathy and kindness more. Might be best for me to stay clear of drugs and alcohol this year.

URANUS - TAURUS 2H

An expected event happening with money. Either gaining a bunch or loosing a lot. I'm leaning towards gaining a bunch just cause its in taurus so I'm holding out hope. life might seem a bit unstable this year. going out with friends might involve spending a lot of money together, so going shopping, dressing up to go to restaurants, ect.

NEPTUNE - PISCES 12H

Plans involving music will be completing this year and will heavily involve secrets, confessions of the mind, and involve my wildest dreams. I'll take more about Neptune in the aspects part of this post.

PLUTO - CAPRICORN 11H

Major transformations for me will involve my social circles and how I present myself online. A situation with a friend/some I consider a friend will transform me the most this year. I'll be obsessed with making real/long term friendships. I'll also be heavily obsessed with success and being successful and it might start with doing things online that'll get me the success I want. I'll probably transform into a very business savvy and socially smart person.

ANGLES

RISING - 7° ARIES

Aries rising can again mean fresh new starts this year and being very bold and independent. I'll start of the year very determined and headstrong. ill thrive to be confident. 7° (libra) further enhances the heavy 1H energy (meaning the Venus 1H) in this chart and makes it apparent that 1. love/self love will be very important this year, and that 2. Physical beauty will be very important this year.

IC - 4° CANCER

A good year to get closer with my mother and to just spend more time with family. another indication of it being a very emotional year.

DSC - 7° LIBRA

A good placement if expected to get into a long term relationship. If a long term relation where to happen this year it'd be naturally romantic. relationships in general will be with charismatic, lovely and caring people.

MC - 4° CAPRICORN

People will see how hard of a worker I'll be this year and see the success pay off business wise. People will see how importance success is to me and the emotional connection I have to my career endeavors. Big boss on the move.

OTHER THINGS

ASTEROIDS

CHART RULER GEMINI 3H - Along with the ASC and Sun being the main themes of the overall year, the chart being mars means that working hard towards a specific goal involving communication, and expression of my mind will also be the main theme of the year. social media and social groups will be involved as well.

MC RULER SATURN 12H - Success won't come easily but working towards it will end up with it being long term/long lasting. A lot of work done behind the sense to get to the spotlight. working in private/with secret groups will be beneficial.

SOME OTHER DEGREES

PLUTO 29° - a karmic degree that is considered a fame placement since its in Leo. fame is possible but at what cost? admitting my obsessions, selfishness, mistakes and dark desires to the world (in this case online since Pluto is in the 11H) for the chance of fame/popularity this year.

POF 17° - another fame degree that isn't considered karmic unlike 29°. It being in the 9H Sagittarius could mean luck, prosperity, and fame in the media. Could also mean gaining popularity on the road and with people in far away places.

CHIRON/JUPITER/VESTA 14° - 14° is a taurus degree, and given to these placements means that there's a Taurus influence. for all of them it could mean that artistic expression is needed. for Chiron it could mean that the things I heal from this year will involve using my art to do so. for Jupiter it could mean making money this year with the arts, and for Vesta it could mean that my internal flame is ignited this year when doing artistic things. (especially singing)

SATURN 0° - 0° is a critical degree and can indicate that the sign the planet/object is in is at its purest. The restrictions and challenges I'll face this year will be the first time I ever experience them.

SOME ASPECTS

NEPTUNE CONJUNCT SUN - With Neptune ruling melodies(music) and sun representing attention this could optionally mean that any music I relate will gain a lot of attention. my happiness and identity will be heavily involved with the themes of Neptune. So, creativity, music, and future plans. this could also mean being seen as glamours and getting attention from my glamor/mystique this year

VENUS/NN/JUNO TRINE MC - Trines are very harmonious and often bring luck in whatever is being aspected. Venus trine MC can bring natural luck with ingraining my beauty and arts with my career. NN can mean that natural luck and ability to achieve my destiny in my career was mean to happen this year. Juno can mean finding someone who shares the same career goals as me.

OVERALL VIBE

With old doors closing, new ones are ready to open.

Its up to me if I just simply knock and wait

Or walk right in and claim wants mine

- SM

happy late birthday to me 🎂 💋

- ⚜️💫⚜️

[twig-tea]

Final Thoughts on To Be Continued

Ok, I know I was loudly still mad at this show last week in @respectthepetty's notes, who was very kind (and even encouraging) about it. @happypotato48 talked me down a bit by suggesting there was more in the novel that might still come, and he was right! This week we got an explanation that helped me find the through-thread that was missing between the flashbacks and the start of the show, so I can let that go. I was pretty satisfied with that part of this week's finale overall, and was really glad that they added that connecting piece for me.

Short non-spoilery version of where I landed: I was skeptical it was going to land the core storyline, but for me it did. I liked it in the end, but there are a number of hurdles to enjoying this show so I wouldn't recommend this without caveats (mostly related to pacing).

With all of that being said, it's one of the better pulps this year so far, and worth a watch if you love mutual pining, don't mind slow episodes, and enjoy when a show lets its characters make mistakes. I'm glad I watched it.

For anyone curious about this show, here's where this show worked for me, and where it didn't. Spoilers under the cut!

What I Liked

I really enjoyed Ji getting to be petty to Achi at the beginning of the series, and the way the show made clear that Ji knew exactly how conflicted he was about Achi showing up in his life again.

I love yearning, and the yearning in this series was top-notch. The way Ji could not help himself when it came to accepting Achi's overtures, and the way Achi used his overtures to say over and over again "I know you; I know us; I am willing to put in effort to prove I mean it" was delicious.

I did like the flashbacks and how they were doled out through the series to add context and explain what was happening. The timing of the flashbacks in the story was well done and gave us the info we needed when we needed it.

I liked how clear consent was in this show, and how consent alone did not result in a perfect scenario, especially as kids. I did appreciate how the main conflict from the past was essentially teenage boys did not know how to communicate and blew everything out of proportion/did not understand how to think about things from the others' perspective.

And from this last episode, I liked how the show let us see that years of reflection helped Achi realize what things must have felt like from Ji's perspective, and once he had confirmation that Ji was devastated when he left, it makes sense that he would be able to meet up with Ji again with both confidence and contrition in order to get the reconciliation he wants. I also really liked the contrast in the sex scenes between their first time when they didn't kiss for most of the scene and their first time as boyfriends where they can't seem to stop kissing.

Finally, I love competence, and I really enjoyed getting to see Ji be a competent surgeon and Achi be good at his job managing fan expectations of his personal life. Achi handled the relationship reveal with confidence knowing he'd be able to manage the fallout, and his manager was supportive once he was sure Achi actually had a plan.

What I Didn't Like

I seriously considered dropping this show after episode 4 because for the first little while, every other episode really dragged. It wasn't the order in which the story was doled out that was the issue, but there was so much unnecessary footage and scenes lingered too long within each episode. In short, there were moments when this show draaaaaaagged. So in terms of who it works/doesn't work for, having patience for really slow pacing within an episode is critical. It does pick up a bit after ep4, but never fully gets over this problem.

Egregiously in a show where some episodes felt too long, the show also didn't use the time it had to fully close off all the threads it started and some of the plots felt rushed. There was a redemption arc for Ji's father that felt incomplete/sudden to me (not to say people can't snap out of a 10-year depression but I wasn't really given any chance to feel much about this because we didn't really sit with him or his kids after it happened); the side characters' romance felt like it barely got off the ground (they honestly had the time, they just didn't use it), and Poppy's romance and career trajectory also barely got any time (this one is more forgivable as a third and het couple).

Beyond the multiple pacing issues, the acting was also shaky, and while the sex scenes are well staged and cut to hide this, they were a little awkward together during some of the moments of physical intimacy.

For my taste, I would have wanted to see more of the characters working on things and changing their behaviour; a lot of the push-pull in the middle of the series felt circular rather than progressive. Some of it was necessary: Achi did demonstrate he will stick around no matter how hard Ji makes it this time, and Ji did show that he can open up and be vulnerable with Achi eventually, and trust him when there are external threats. But I would have liked to have seen more of the parts that led to the change in them happen. They also spend a lot of time falling into old habits when they started hanging out together again, which was charming and realistic, but I would have loved to see more incorporation of their new lives. Achi basically takes a break from stardom to woo Ji, so we don't get a real sense of what their relationship will be like except in the finale which is quite brief.

I already gave my high-level summary above the fold: TL; DR I'm glad I watched but not everyone will enjoy this one.

[the-perfect-wagnerite-again]

Can you please explain what stuff like "safe horny" is? What do you consider to be "healthy," if you can describe the subject as such, sexuality? I'm not trying to make a gotcha or own, I genuinely am curious as to what that means.

My take on healthy sexuality is deeply influenced by my Kantianism. We humans are unique in that we are simultaneously phenomenal objects and free subjects, and the categorical imperative impels us to treat all subjects as ends in themselves. Sexual desire is an immensely complex phenomenon, and at its core is the base animal instinct for copulation and sexual satisfaction. But the mere slaking of lust is beneath us; it doesn't satisfy, because we are more than just flesh.

Over and above sexual lust is sexual desire, a metaphysical search for the subjecthood of the Other that we sense in our beloved. We know that our subjectivity is the vector through which experience is possible, and so we exist not so much IN the world as on its edge, looking out from the first-person perspective, the state that allows us to utter the word "I" and have it mean something. In the beloved is a recognition of the self reflected back, a not-self in full possession of that same subjectivity, and it is the total knowledge of this alien subjecthood that sexual desire seeks to possess. Why do we get lost in the eyes of our beloved? We don't see the eye as an organ of sight, but as a window to the self. In the eyes, we see a self-possessed "I" looking back at us, which is why the gaze from the beloved has been such a powerful anchor for artists, poets, and musicians throughout the ages. This singular drive for knowledge of the subject is also why it would be insane to suggest to a man in love to trade his wife for a newer or more attractive one. The man in love isn't interested in women writ large, no matter how attractive they might be: his desire is concentrated and focused upon a singular, solitary subject for whom he seeks total knowledge.

In light of this, marriage is now understood as a redemption of the human biological drive for sexual satisfaction. In much the same way we redeem our biological need for nutrition through the cultural apparatus of cooking, meal-taking, and communion, through romance, courtship, and marriage we take the base human drive for sexual possession and uplift it to its apex as pure subjectivity.

What happens when we decouple this connection between the subject and sexual desire? What happens when we shift our understanding of sex as an exercise of epistemology to a mere conjugation of body parts? The relation falls away from that of "I to I" and becomes an "it to it" relation, objects colliding in a world of objects. The true danger of pornography, the sexual revolution, and modern sexual ethics is that they obliterate the subject in the sexual act, and reduce them to the status of object, a body with sexual organs that can be manipulated in the act of intercourse. In this new paradigm, there is no motivation for knowledge of the other, there is only self-satisfaction. The beloved vanishes and in its stead are objects to be consumed through dating apps, pornography, advertising, and menu-mentality approaches to romance as a "marketplace." The only barrier is consent, so any moral castigations beyond that are seen as backwards, oppressive, and reactionary.

Where consent is the only necessary factor for any sexual encounter of any kind or in any circumstance, male sexuality becomes unshackled from the duties and obligations that previously bound it into healthy service to femininity and family. It is once again predatory, as it would be in a state of nature, because we've cast aside our redeeming institutions of romance and courtship as regressive relics of a patriarchal past. "Safe horny" is a refuge for men to express desire without being seen as predatory, which is why we've seen such a dramatic increase in men expressing desires for dominant women and aggressive matriarchal sexual archetypes, in which relation they couldn't possibly be seen as agents themselves. This is a symptom of the larger sexual dysfunction of modernity.

[sillycoffeewizard]

Hi everyone, and this is my post with theories and headcanons about John Titor because I love her so much and she is my daughter!! <3

❗The theories and headcanons were created with the help of my wife, who I told everything I know about this character so far (my knowledge may be incomplete). These are just our thoughts and guesses. We may be wrong on some points, sorry!!! But we have been doing a little research with John Titor's story and her voice lines in the game, and today I want to share it

John Titor's diary

In her diary entries, John Titor notes the weather on a particular day. e.g.: June 16, rain; January 29, snow, and so on. perhaps this helps her remember events better

She describes war and chaos in the world. There could be several possibilities here:

She has experienced violence in the past (abuse, abusive behavior, etc.), which traumatized her, and the war is a veiled description of her experience. This is how she conveys her feelings and perception of the world around her;

There was a war at the time (the diary does not give the year), she was a victim of warfare and violence (she was taken prisoner, sent to a concentration camp and had horrible things done to her). She kept a diary at the time or wrote about past events;

You probably know the story of John Titor, who called himself a time traveler. On a forum dedicated to creepypasta he wrote "predictions of the future", detailing events that he said might happen. Maybe John Titor (the character) was fascinated by this story and just made it all up, based on what the real John Titor predicted, because her personality was built on this mysterious person. Or...John Titor (the character) calls herself a time traveler for a reason. Maybe she really is one, and in diary she describes an event from her time (war, cancellation of the Olympics, chaos in the world) while predicting the future. These are the two reasons she has that name in the game

Fan fact: her badge looks a lot like the symbol of the existing "John Titor Foundation" that published a book about the "time traveler" that included his forum entries

1. Reverse: 1999 wiki, 2. Wikipedia

John Titor's voice lines

I was using other people's translation of her hexadecimal code phrases into words. I'm also making assumptions based on the theories i've previously described

Under "to the future" she says "crazy like me.". According to previous assumptions about her diary entries, it can be said that she is traumatized by her experiences of violence or war. she may have depression and PTSD, and this phrase is her idea of the future, which is typical of people with mental disorders;

Under "hobby" she says "Corvette 1966 black". According to Google, that's the make of the car. Why is she talking about it? Let's look at "bond: night", her phrase is "wanna go on a drive". I think these phrases are related. Maybe she doesn't sleep at night (she has bruises under her eyes) and it's at night that she can spend time doing her hobby: she's literally driving a car. Or it's in her imagination and she's just reflecting in this time;

In the "hat and hair" column she says "hey don't touch me". She may have experienced violence, it could have been bullying by someone or it could have happened during the war she wrote about in the diary. In any case, she is not tactile at all as a result of the traumatic events, she hates to be touched and doesn't let anyone touch her. You can also see that her hair is cut unevenly, which could also be due to the traumatic events;

Under "clothing and torso" she says "a soldier's physique". This description could mean that she witnessed or participated in warfare and/or, again, experienced violence. Either way, she notes her resilience. She was able to endure and survive horrific events as if she were a soldier. Or is this another reference to "time traveler" John Titor, who called himself a soldier

Why does John Titor only interact with everyone using hex code?

Given the theory that she is indeed a time traveler, we can make the assumption that code is the "language of the future," a way of interacting between people whose lives are entirely built on and dependent on technology;

Perhaps because of the traumatic events I wrote about earlier, John Titor no longer wants to associate herself with people in any way, to be like them, to speak human language. She decided to completely restructure her personality and become something like a mechanical machine

That's it for now! I hope this post is enjoyed by the likes of theory and headcanon fans in this fandom, I really tried hard to make it as good as possible. Again, I don't consider everything described above to be canon, it's just speculation and conjecture. I wanted to share my thoughts, and I'm proud of it because I love John Titor!! Also my knowledge may be incomplete and my views may differ. I welcome constructive criticism and reasoning <3

[pianostarinwonderland]

Azul's Vulnerability

Happy birthday to me, and as a way to celebrate this, I'm going to be talking about my biggest gripes on how people view Azul in general 🤩🤩🤩 ok I'm not gonna attack anyone but I do want to speak about something that has been on my mind for a while

Having exposed myself to a lot of Azul content, I've seen a very common trend in the fandom when it comes to how people write about him. Much of the written content I see always has something to do with Azul being a so-called crybaby, particularly in x reader fics and headcanons. Reader would comfort Azul as he's crying, and they'd wipe his tears away while assuaging his insecurities. This also influences the NSFW content that Azul has as well. Reader would be the one to top Azul, and they would be the one in control in the bedroom.

I want to preface first that this is all valid. Write whatever you want. I don't have the right to stop any of you from writing Azul like this. NSFW especially is something that's really valid because a lot of the times, females want to experience having agency in the bedroom (let's not deny it, a majority of x readers are fem readers). In fact, fics and hcs where readers can comfort Azul stem from a desire to be the person to give him the comfort that Twisted Wonderland never gave him. We all want to be that person whom Azul can feel vulnerable to. We want to comfort him and to be close to him, and this is the best way we can do that.

But with that in mind, those fics and hcs also reflect the way people see Azul. People tend to write him as that crybaby. Whenever people talk about Azul, that's the one trait that they tend to attribute to him. I've heard people say it as an insult to him or to make fun of him as well. I'd even say that in the NSFW space, people choose to bottom Azul for that reason. And as someone who loves Azul, I really want people to see that Azul is more than just "a crybaby".

In fact, I would argue that the Azul we know now is not a crybaby. After his overblot, when everyone compliments his notes, Jade and Floyd comment on how Azul looked like he was about to cry. But pay attention to the way that they comment on it:

Floyd: What now? Azul, are you getting a little misty eyed? Jade: My my, have you gone back to being the ink-spitting crybaby? [shel_bb book 3 chapter 35]

The kind of wording in Jade's comment implies that Azul hasn't cried in a while. If he still cried often, Jade would have said something along the lines of "are you going to cry again".

And besides, if one is ashamed of crying, there would be a resolve built to stop themselves from crying. Personally speaking, I have a hard time crying unless something big happens because I had family either telling me to stop crying or laugh at me for crying over something trivial. Azul had been made fun of for the way he cries as a child—that has to have some traumatic impact on him, and it would make him hate crying and tell himself to never cry again. People who can cry easily are those who don't think it's a bad thing to cry.

There's this one anon ask that I will never forget that is related to this topic. It was one that a friend received, and it was a hc request to write Azul and Vil "being their vulnerable selves". As in, they explicitly said that the kind of confidence they exude is all a facade to hide the real emotional vulnerability underneath them, thereby saying that their vulnerable insecure selves are the real Azul and Vil and their confidence is faked.

A Vil essay can be made another day and probably by another person, but for now, we focus on Azul.

First of all, this will never be forgotten from memory because it shocks me that someone thinks Azul's confidence is wholly faked just to hide his insecurities. Now I'm not saying there's no merit to it nor that it's totally wrong. It's true that Azul's charm feels plastic. It's true that Azul does have a strong front that hides a painful past. But it doesn't mean that the Azul now who makes deals, runs a restaurant, and achieves high grades is not the real Azul.

What I want people (and most especially Azul himself but that's another post entirely) to realize is that he's grown to be so much more than the little octopus who used to be bullied and made fun of by other merfolk. The charisma and confidence he has is real. He worked hard to develop his social skills, and that hard work cannot be faked. I think if anything, the part that would feel fake is the part where he chooses to be Azul the businessman and not Azul as in Azul.

And Azul as in Azul is not just his insecurities. It's Azul with his wit and his strategical mindset. It's Azul with his joking remarks and his anger. Chapter 6 and Glorious Masquerade show Azul's real self the most in the game. When he shows his enthusiasm over City of Flowers' food culture in GloMas. When he teases Riddle during the part where the OB boys were playing video games after their experiments in ch6. When Azul roasts Deuce in response to a comment Deuce made about financier cake matching Azul in GloMas. When Azul gets mad at Riddle because he disagreed with his way of doing things in the tower chapters of ch6. There's just so much to Azul.

And lastly, I want to address the idea of Azul's vulnerability. Loads of times, when we think about vulnerability, we think about the sides we wish to not show to people, but we tend to associate those with insecurities and tears. Maybe it's just me, but Azul's vulnerabilities don't always have to manifest in the form of tears. Look at how he acts in narrating his flashback in 3-34 and in the way he reacted when Riddle in chapter 6 says that he can never be top 1 in their year because Azul runs his restaurant too. He's not bursting to tears as he's face to face with the insecurities—he's angry. He's angry about the circumstances he was placed in, angry at the people who hurt him. He's angry at Riddle for essentially saying everything he does was a waste.

It's also important to remember that to the general public, Azul keeps a certain image of himself. Capable of helping. Unable to be stepped on. So in a sense, anything that contradicts his image or even has the potential to harm it is in some way a vulnerability for him.

I think giving Azul a bunch of cuddles as he's crying is really cute. But you can also write about how Azul would open himself up to you—late night rant sessions about certain people, a secret about himself that not many people know. Something to remember as well is that he likes to be in control. Azul will have a tight hold on the kind of image he shows to people. Azul will choose carefully what people should hear and should not hear. So imagine him just letting himself be around you, with little thought about keeping that control of himself... that in itself is a sign of Azul opening up to you.

I acknowledge that this is a little bit messy, but I do want people to see that Azul is more than the breakdown that he had in chapter 3. He's got a more vibrant personality than that. And I would love to see more fics that explore his character a lot more, especially in romance fics.

[ginger-snap-talkin-nonsense]

Why do the writers at King of the Hill expect us to see Cotton Hill as anything other than evil (and not in a "funny"/"love to hate him" way) when he sexually abuses Luanne and almost sexually abuses Bobby in the first episode that he's formally introduced? Shouldn't it reflect badly on Hank as a guardian that he allows Bobby to be alone with his abuser after that?

This can't even be blamed on the better writers leaving the show in the later seasons. This was in the first season, and Cotton never gets better considering that he tortures Bobby by putting him in solitary confinement for three days in season 7.

Okay, so just to clarify off the bat, the sexual abuse anon is referring to is in Cottons debut where he smacks Luanne's ass and then is immediately responded to with a threat if he tries it again, and a failed attempt at taking him to a place he remembers being a brothel, but I think this anon is getting at the heart of a bigger issue regarding how people think critically about character writing.

Cotton Hill is a bad person. Full stop. He was an abusive husband and father when Hank was a child and even in his shallowed love of his new wife and kid, he's still repugnant, misogynistic, bigoted, etc.

But that's a feature, not a bug because Cotton exists in relation to Hank.

You see, King of the Hill has a running theme (at least in the pre flash era) of change and how we confront trauma in the face of that change. Cotton as a character was abused himself-first by his military boarding school which the mere thought of puts him in the only tears we see him in in the series, then by enlisting in World War 2 at age 15 where he was physically disabled, watched his friends die, was ripped from the woman who he fell in love with, and then discharged and left broken and impoverished.

And Cotton does anything he can to run from accepting that he was traumatized by all of that. He treats it like it's made him strong and better, he wears his misery like a badge of honor and refuses kindness and sympathy as a result.

Thanks to this idea of what iteams to hurt, he turned those ideas onto Hank growing up. Cotton was a lot of things but he wasn't (as far as we know in the show) physically abusive, but he was mentally and emotionally abusive and that led to Hank believing a lot of negative things about sharing feelings or gender roles.

And then he meets Peggy who starts dismantling the stigmas about the gender binary and has Bobby who dismantles his feelings about feelings. A lot of Cotton episodes are in relation to how Hank is raising Bobby right by unpacking the unhealthy environment he grew up in with his wife and striving to be better. This happens with Peggy and her mother as well but to a far lesser extent.

Beyond that, Cotton represents how complicated emotions can be in regards to bad people you have sympathy for. Hank, despite learning to see the many flaws with his father, still wants a healthy and positive relationship with his dad. The show never knocks for wanting this or continuing to strive for it, rather it tells Hank that he can't force anyone else into his shit like his wife or son.

Meanwhile Peggy despises Cotton for all he's done to Hank and how he treats women, and the show never knocks her either. Peggy is entirely within her rights to hate him and the closest they ever get a mutual respect for how strong they've been while getting past their hardest moments.

Cotton may deserve sympathy for what he's been through, but does that mean you can forgive him for all the terrible things he did as a result of his unchecked trauma and the time he grew up in? The show doesn't have an answer, it's up to each individual person, and no answer is wrong.

That's why Cotton is a strong character. There's nuance to him and how he interacts with the other characters. He furthers the shows central theme and introduces his own.

A written bad person does not equate to bad character writing

[bzhitstruth]

Secrets of the Moon

Today is the Mid-Autumn Festival and we got two beautiful photos of the night sky with the moon. And there are some interesting details.

All this is CPN, my fantasies and fake, I’m just kidding.🤡🤡🤡

Of course, the moon and sunset. These two concepts mean a lot to us, and today they both are in the photo. There has been a lot of talk about sunset lately, and GG is showing it to us once again!

The mooncake emoji in GG's post possibly symbolizes DD's name, "mooncake" in Chinese is 月饼, in Pinyin it is yuè bǐng, the initial letters of DD's name. The same phrase is also in the studio’s post.

Of course, this is a common phrase on this day. This phrase - "don't forget to eat mooncakes" - was used by both studios.

Continuing the conversation about the game with words - in DD's post the text consists of two phrases: 中秋快乐 祝福大家 zhōngqiū kuàilè zhùfú dàjiā, and each phrase in pinyin begins with “zh” (zhan-zhan), the first letters of the GG's name. What is the probability that they both use such consonances on the same day and within a couple of hours of each other? By the way, I always follow their posts, this rarely happens.

Strange emoji. YBO's post uses an emoji that winks and holds a heart. At first glance, there is nothing special about it, just an ordinary emoticon from the Weibo emoticon set. But what’s surprising is that if you copy it from the post and paste it into Google Translate (or any other translator), the translation of this emoji will be: [the moon represents my heart], in Chinese 月亮代表我的心. Try to do it yourself, copy the text from Weibo along with the emoticon and see what the translation will be.

A familiar phrase, right? This is the name of the very famous song by Taiwanese singer Teresa Teng, this song is very popular in China and has been sung by many people including Leslie Cheung. He sang it the day he decided to openly declare about his love for Daffy Tong. If you've read about this couple and their story you'll know what I'm talking about, but if you haven't, there's a great Pie's post about them.

There are several CPNs that this story is emotionally connected to GGDD, and that GG sometimes made hints about it in his posts. It is believed that in relation with the story of Leslie and Daffy, this song also has a special meaning for Yizhan, and this phrase often comes up when we talk about the moon and what it symbolizes for GG and DD. By the way, on Daffy Tong’s Instagram there is the post with the photo of the moon, and the caption under this post is exactly the name of this song.

I don’t know if it was by chance that the emoticon with this translation ended up in the YBO post today? I don't remember them ever using this emoji, they usually choose others.

Moon with the mole. Some turtles on Weibo suggested that the moon in DD's photo has the mole at the bottom. Actually, this is just the reflection of the moon in the glass through which the photo was taken, but it really looks like it! Let this also be the symbol.

Amazing coincidence. It turns out that today is the 3rd anniversary of the famous fake Little Red Little Green story about DD saying, “I want to take a picture of the moon for you, but it doesn't come out” And today, exactly three years later, he did it.

Last year GGDD were both in Beijing, so there was no lunar sky in the photo, but this year they are in different places, maybe these photos today are as reminder - “I look at the moon and think about you”? I'd like to think so. 💚❤️.

sources: Weibo.com, Instagram.com