#they ARE self-obsessed but that's partly a coping mechanism

[byanyan]

one thing about byan is that they'll always downplay the hell out of their accomplishments and any good they've done, while in the same breath playing up anything dangerous or stupid they've done if they consider it cool or badass enough

[jays-therapist]

So much of who Yukio is stems from his self-hatred.

He wants to be an exorcist because he hates how weak he is. A lot of the contempt he holds for his brother derives from a desire to be like Rin, and not like himself. The way he remembers his own childhood is distorted by his self-hatred, as he struggles to focus on memories where he isn't inadequate.

I think the reason he hates who he was as a child is because he’s associated all of his worst traits to "Pre-Exorcist Training" Yukio, where he felt truly helpless and unable to do anything about his fear. Becoming an exorcist kind of gave him a sense of power? By learning about what he’s afraid of and how to deal with it, he now has control. At least, I think that was the idea behind it. What he doesn’t understand (and what Shirou probably didn’t consider when he gave his baby a gun) is that he’s not really overcoming his fear of demons. He’s just compensating for it, and clinging tight to any source of control he can get. Deep down, the fear remains; he still feels helpless, with a whole bunch of terrible coping mechanisms as a bonus.

(I also think this is one of the reasons he has such violent reactions to losing control, specifically towards his own body, like when he stabbed his arm to prevent himself from panicking in the Kyoto Arc.)

And he gets worse, because as he reasses the goals he had when he was a child (partly due to Toudou’s influence), he can only focus on all the ways they are selfish. A seven year old becoming an exorcist because he wants to be stronger only reinforces Yukio’s self-hatred, because it’s a self-oriented goal. Rin wants to be an exorcist so no one has to die for him like Shirou did. Shiemi wants to be an exorcist so she can protect others the way they’ve protected her. Bon wants revenge for the Blue Night and how it affected his family, and on and on and on. Yukio is surrounded by people who have experienced incredible pain, but focus on those around them. More and more, Yukio is seeing himself as the outlier, whose selfishness only serves to build upon itself. As he says, “I’m so obsessed with myself I can’t see anyone else!”

And like, that’s why I think the line “I’m strong because I had you!” holds so much weight, for both Rin and Yukio. For Yukio, it’s a realization that he loves his brother more than he hates himself, you know? He didn’t just want to be strong so he could surpass his brother. He wanted to be strong for his brother, and was inspired by him. It was that love that pushed him forward, and it’s that love that allows him to heal, a little bit.

This is best shown in the flashback he has later in Chapter 130 when they’re getting ready to square up with Satan. Earlier, I said that Yukio’s memories are distorted by self-hatred. Here, in this scene, we see a memory free of that bias, where Yukio, once shaking in fear, takes Rin’s hand. Yukio is brave, and able to overcome his fears with support, it just took him awhile to realize this.

Therefore, even though so much of Yukio is built upon hatred, he’s slowly recognizing just how much he loves and has loved.

[eyesaremosaics]

When people tell me I don’t look my age I’m like: so what, 33 is when you officially reach old hag status?

I guess I’m flattered that people think I look younger, but I have a serious issue with ageism in this society—albeit most societies. This obsession with being “forever young” is a little tiresome. You don’t expire at 30 and suddenly become undesirable. I personally think women are at their most beautiful in their 30s.

I can honestly say I did not enjoy my 20s that much. At that time, I was lost, confused, had no self esteem, went through a bunch of trauma, did a ton of drugs—partied pretty hard. There were some fun memories, but mostly—I was deeply depressed and suicidal in my 20s. I felt things too deeply, and I used substances as a maladaptive coping mechanism for pain.

Women in their late teens and twenties are most susceptible to manipulation. They are at their most impressionable and thusly—most vulnerable.

It sort of creeps me out that a lot of men, and society at large, finds this most desirable. It’s the inexperience that excites them. The “untaintedness”. It’s weird and fetishistic to me. You can argue that it’s biological, but I think sexual attraction is pretty nuanced and relative to the individual. It may be partly biological, since women are at their most fertile at that time, yet I can’t help but think there is a psychological need for control in it.

Older women—not as easy to control. Therein lies the appeal. Young women are more likely to put up with abuse and all other kids of mistreatment. At 30, a woman will scoff and say: “ain’t nobody got time for that.”

(Note: Not to say all men do this, or that women are not capable to perpetuating abuse on each other, I am speaking in general terms.)

In all honesty: the 30s have been my absolute favorite decade so far. I truly feel comfortable in my own skin nowadays. I could care less what people think, and I don’t repeat the same mistakes because I have already made them and learned from them. Decisions are much more calculated and deliberate—and yield more favorable results.

Making more money now than ever before, I have been promoted at both my jobs. I have a nice apartment in an awesome city, I have a boyfriend who loves me. I’m in a good place with all my family. Not to say tragedy hasn’t struck in my 30s, because it certainly has, however I am better equipped to deal with grief and loss having gone through it before.

Safety and stability bored me in my twenties, I was all about passion and intensity. Now comfort and stability feels like a long lengthy sigh into a comfy chair at the end of a long day. The best part is the “being comfortable in your own skin” though. I can’t possibly explain (though some of you who have followed me for a long time may have observed this) how much I used to hate myself. I thought I had no value, that I was hideous, unlikeable and a person, and worse—unlovable.

It took having my heart and soul brutally broken on every level… took losing everything… to rebuild from the ashes in my Saturn return and forge the person I am today. I still have a long way to go. However, I am so, SO grateful that I finally discovered true self confidence. I don’t wake up hating myself anymore. I look at myself realistically and do what I can with it. Less noise in my head, less over analyzation. Not to be confused with arrogance, true confidence is being able to “trust and confide in oneself”. When translated, that is the Latin root of the word “confidence”.

It’s a good feeling, and though yeah—we all want to retain our youthful looks (because society says we should), I am not ashamed to get older. Life doesn’t end at 30. This notion that 30 is too old, is so archaic and irrelevant to how long people actually live in this day and age. In the 1930s life expectancy was 58 for men, and 62 for women. Think about how young that seems to us now.

So to sum up what I’m trying to say here: don’t be in a rush to grow up, you only get to experience the pure, unadulterated, wonder of the world for the first time once. Treasure those moments, but at the same time, also be excited for your 30s. I promise it just gets better.

[stinkyme]

Hi, the “do you accept rants” anon here.

I was recently “diagnosed” (putting that in quotation marks because even though my therapist confirmed it, that official diagnosis apparently doesn’t exist) with hypersexuality, and I’m torn between finding it liberating and hating myself for it. For me, it’s partly a trauma response, partly a subconscious act of rebellion against my overprotective upbringing, and a rather unhealthy coping mechanism for my ptsd symptoms (anxiety, anger and depression mostly). It’s so hard to deal with, because I’m the one hand, it’s an obsession with/addiction to something that feels good (watching/reading porn, masturbation…) and doesn’t harm my body like conventional dr*gs would, and on the other hand, it’s causing me to be dissociated 24/7, fuels my adhd task paralysis (overwhelm, boredom? —> sexual activities) and some of my fantasies are truly disturbing. It also keeps me from doing my healthy hobbies, makes me stay up way too late and unable to leave bed until at least two hours after waking up.

I hate and love it, I finally enjoy sexuality after a long time of resenting even the thought of sex, and it feels good and rebellious, but it’s also bothering me a lot and I feel like a failure for being unable to quit my bad habits, and like a monster for having the most taboo fantasies (although I’d never realize or condone them in reality).

I know you’re not a therapist, but I just needed to get some of that off my chest. I feel so ashamed for that, that talking to anyone in real life feels too humiliating.

~🍞anon

First of all, I am also dissociated 24/7 (I have chronic dpdr for over a year now) so I completely understand that aspect, alongside with anxiety, etc., so you are not alone on that part even though my stems from possible c-ptsd which I lately learned or combination of stuff in my life which led to heavy panic attacks and stuff. Now, even though our background experience is different, I understand how delibirating and annoying symptoms are.

I personally don't think I am hypersexual (as odd as that sounds LOL), but I had my fair experiences with sexuality/masturbation issues or rather getting into such things very young due to trauma

I hope that what I am about to say will make any sense, I am sorry if it's all over the place, but

I think that there is absolutely nothing shameful about being hypersexual, I think the whole point to understand your hypersexuality is to move away that shame/guilt aspect away from it because if it stems from trauma I think it does, that experience itself is rooted in shame and guilt. There is no reason for *our* shame or our guilt, but our bodies just feel that way due to something being done to us without our permission and participating in something that makes us feel dirty because of that lack of enjoyment/consent/pleasure. Now, when it comes to hypersexuality and masturbating, it's very important to make a line between a rebellion and being unhealthy.

Your rebellion stems from lack of control, now you have full control over your body and it feels empowering to masturbate and enjoy content you couldn't before. The issue with control is that, if it's not a healthy one, then it will be, as you said - addiction that freezes you from doing anything else. Even though it's not as bad as doing drugs, overly indulging in porn and masturbation definitely leaves scars on your brain and body. (inability to be intimate w people, possibly indulging on dangerous sexual encounters, only being able to get turned on by heavy pornography/heavy sexual activities, self worth issues, lack of more natural/healthy dopamine, etc.)

You need to change the way you view this. Empowering would be you self-pleasuring in self-loving manner, taking it easy and learning about your body, letting your curiosity take over without judgement, appreciating your own nude body and try to do it without indulging in porn content. Only from simply wanting to make yourself feel good and meet yourself more. You need to detach yourself from pornography because it appears that you are going down the rabbit hole.

Masturbation and self-pleasure can be very healing and very power inducing in moderate/healthy amount. You need to slowly change your inner speech and gain actual discipline and understand that control that you are having is currently pure illusion. Control does not equal healing, it just equals that you will get obsessed with that false sense of control and over-indulge in it as you currently are, only to realize that addiction itself proves that you have no control.

Take it easy, it's always hard to break out of addictions and obsessions, especially because it always feels good to indulge in it - until it doesn't. So, take it slowly and try to resist an urge by doing something else - working out, drawing, doing any other hobbies you have. You find them boring now because masturbation is like a quick dopamine fix whereas hobbies require more time and focus for dopamine to kick in.

Come from the place of self-acceptance and lack of judgement. We judge things we don't understand or don't want to accept. Don't let yourself be that to yourself because only way to heal is to be accepting of your current self. I truly don't think there is anything to hate yourself for, you are facing a response from trauma and it's okay to take your time healing, as well as understanding that the last thing you need right now is to feel shameful or hateful towards yourself. You got this :)

PS. you are not a monster by any means, I stated before - our imagination is a vast and huge and nothing to be ashamed of. Please be kinder to yourself, you deserve understanding and lack of judgement, especially from yourself, you who knows absolutely everything you went through :)

[gch1995]

It says something that the first and last time Obi Wan told Anakin he loved him was after cutting off three of his limbs and leaving him to burn to death.

To be fair, he said “You were my brother, Anakin! I loved you.” It was in the past tense.

However, one recurring theme in Anakin’s story is how people he loves often tell him “I love you/loved you” right when he and/or those he loves are on the brink of death. Shmi told Anakin she loved him in her dying breath, while he was holding her in his arms. While Padme and Anakin do have some “I love you” confessions in RotS before Anakin goes off the rails of “I’m so in love” and “I’m so in love with you,” Padme’s first confession of love to Anakin comes in AOTC right when they are about to be executed. Obi tells Anakin “I loved you” right after he cuts off Anakin’s limbs and leaves him to burn alive on Mustafar. It’s part of his tragedy. Those he loves are always honest about him with their feelings for him when it’s either too late and/or he thinks it’s too late for him or them.

Now, I do think that confession was sincere. Obi-Wan did genuinely grow to love Anakin like a little brother, but he was just never good at expressing it in a healthy or helpful manner. Anakin was looking for healthy emotional support and parental guidance. Obi-Wan just never felt comfortable or confident enough to give him those things he needed until he’d already done the damage of pushing Anakin away. He was too obsessed with being the “perfect” Jedi by kissing Yoda’s ass and molding Anakin into that “perfect” Jedi. Obi Wan spent most of his life trying to be the “perfect” Jedi, even if that meant emotionally/verbally abusing, blackmailing, and neglecting Anakin, selling him out to the Council, and trying to execute him for Yoda.

Obi Wan was also always rather arrogant, hypocritical, and most of all emotionally a coward. Oh, he knew he failed Anakin as a guardian/mentor, and he can admit that much out loud. However, he was also always too afraid to admit that the reason why he failed Anakin Skywalker was because he was just a very bad friend, guardian, and mentor to him because he was too afraid to admit that Yoda’s way, the Jedi way he spent his whole life following, was wrong, and actually taking the risk to do the right thing.

That’s part of the reason why Obi-Wan Kenobi convinces himself that he failed Anakin because he was “too indulgent” with him. Yeah, he’s been brainwashed by Yoda’s cult for as long as he can remember, so it’s not all his fault that he can’t fully understand why it was so fucked up.

However, I also do think it’s an unhealthy coping mechanism to mitigate his own guilt and self-hatred for failing Anakin, too, which is partly Anakin’s issue as Vader too. If Obi-Wan continues to convince himself that he was too nice to Anakin and didn’t train him hard enough to be a good Jedi, then it lightens the burden of guilt on him for contributing to Anakin’s fall to the dark side, even if unintentionally. By being in denial like this, Obi Wan doesn’t have to fully own up to the fact that he failed Anakin by often being negligent, toxic, and unhelpful to him instead because he was too afraid to be the kind and supportive guardian and friend he secretly wanted to be for him instead since he would no longer fit in as a “perfect” Jedi if he did.

[driftveil-crossing]

Grovyle + future trio headcanons!

i’ve finished replaying PMD2 here’s a few of my thoughts about what happened to the future trio after time is restored. in no particular order and slightly angsty - enjoy the ride!

Grovyle is a grass type, which require sun and rain to survive. while the future was paralysed, Grovyle was in poor condition with wilted leaves that never healed if he was injured. when he first travelled to the past he was shocked at how much healthier the sun made him feel, and that he could finally function - no, thrive - at optimum capacity. he never takes nature for granted in the restored future, and takes every opportunity to watch the sunrise or to bask in the mid-day heat

Grovyle was permanently injured after the incident with Dusknoir where he was drained by the icicle forest pillars. his consciousness was almost entirely destroyed, and that has had lasting effects - he cannot move as quickly as before and his muscles often contract, freeze, or even give way beneath him

however, what he hates most is that it affected his mind. his memory is poorer, his train of thought often grinds abruptly to a halt when it used to run a mile a minute, and his reactions are not as quick and sharp as they once were - as if the fog of fogbound lake is obscuring his brain

but it is a sacrifice that he can deal with - after all, Grovyle had accepted that he would disappear entirely, so this ending is 1000 times better than that option

his injuries stop him from running as often as he is used to, and the lack of a goal leaves him feeling deflated. he doesn’t understand why he feels like this. he achieved his ultimate goal and also gets to live to see the results, why can’t he be happy? 

while many pokemon and humans in the future welcome the return of normal life, Grovyle struggles. he realises that his life will never be normal again. after all, his partner and best friend is not here to be normal with him, and will never be with him again in the same way

he decides to take a more backseat role in the planetary investigation team, who are now working on readjusting Pokémon to normality and investigating areas where time is still playing havoc. he decides to step back from the adventuring role, and instead throws himself into researching the time travel process and particularly why the accident caused the hero to lose their memory

Dusknoir is also now working with the planetary investigation team. people were all still wary of him at first but he wants to redeem himself and prove that he’s a skilled explorer dedicated to restoring world balance (now his fear of disappearing isn’t an issue)

Grovyle and Dusknoir take every opportunity they can to argue - lightheartedly but constantly. everyone around them agrees that this is probably the best their relationship can be, and would rather it be like this than dig too much into their past disagreements

Dusknoir feels a lot of guilt for his actions, but Grovyle would never fully forgive Dusknoir. he understands that he was only acting out of fear and self-preservation. deep down he isn’t inherently bad and has the capacity to change which is evidenced in his work with the planetary investigation team - but this doesn’t excuse his past actions (he would have killed Grovyle at least 3 times if given the chance). so their relationship is slightly strained but civil nonetheless

the other members of the planetary investigation team see Grovyles research on time travel as bordering on obsessive. they understand that this is a grieving process of sorts - for the loss of his partner and also the loss of his fighting abilities and sense of purpose -  but seeing him pour his entire self into something that has no real answer is hard on them all. they don’t feel that it is beneficial for him to be constantly analysing the time travel accident, but telling him this will just result in an unnecessary fight

Celebi and Grovyle are by far the closest friends out of the remaining planetary investigation team members. in a future where nobody knows who they can trust, the pair trust each other entirely. they are both equally as dedicated to their mission and also enjoy a little harmless flirting - just as friendly banter of course ;)

while the pair share a very close bond, neither Celebi or Grovyle are good at speaking about their feelings. Celebi puts on a positive front as a coping mechanism for a state of impending doom, while Grovyle put on a brave face for a long time. Neither of the two expected to come back after sacrificing themselves for their cause, so this leads to a lot of complex emotions being unearthed while processing the entire paralysis situation

Celebi will call anyone she remotely trusts a variation of ‘my dear’, ‘darling’ etc. Imagine the shock all around when she says “Dusknoir my dear”

Grovyle has literally never had a good nights sleep. partly because the lack of time meant a lack of a sleep schedule, and partly from basically sleeping with one eye open while being on the run alone. he struggles with nightmares frequently too - recurring dreams feature an icicle forest scenario where Dusknoir doesn’t step in, or the moment where he and the hero are travelling to the past and he just has to watch the hero fall, fall, fall... because of this, Grovyle has a slight dependence on sleep seeds

the future trio were apprehensive for a long while about messing around with time now it was restored, and so they initially decided not to travel to the past again

after a while, with permission from dialga and a whole lot of research beforehand, they decide that it is okay to make occasional visits to the past, as many pokemon already know their legacy already

cue an emotional reunion with the hero and partner. Grovyle realised instantly that seeing his partner again made him feel content. it made the whole mission worth it - even if their memory is gone, they are still his best friend

tying up the loose ends of his mission was exactly what he needed.

[fiore-rosewood9]

♫FrUk :D

Thank you for the ask, I will send a few songs that remind me of fruk, a whole playlist if you may, not only one song. I also touch a few of triggering topics as I explain the nations's personalities and relationships with one another so I apologize in advance if I upset/trigger someone and will put my trigger here - Warning - mentions of abuse, alcoholism, s*exual trauma. Under the explanation there is a playlist of songs that make me think of Ukfr/Fruk, so if anyone gets upset you can feel free to skip my general headcanons about fruk/ukfr relationship dynamics. There are too many songs that make me think of different characters or ships but I collected the ones that make me think the most of them.

I know the original song is by Lady gaga but this version is too sweet and cheesy for me so I chose the rock cover by the group Halestorm since I prefer it, it sounds more genuine and rough and kinda makes me think of the dynamic that ukfr/fruk has, that some people present is as just the enemies to lovers trope or them just fighting which is.....simply unhealthy????? Fruk is much more than that and I wish people would stop seeing it as a two dimensional thing, yeah they do argue on a lot of things and it is not the healthiest dynamic however it does work in my mind because they stick through thin and thick and that requires effort and true love since a lot of people nowdays do not take time to know the other person, they just jump into marriage and have a few divorces and just argue over everything and then separate, fruk is an off and on thing where they break and make. This kind of dedication is hard to find in today's couples. I know they're fictional characters and no one really cares but I practice my psychology skills and my knowledge of people around me, and I sometimes see people with similar or almost the same characters as fictional characters, they may not have all of their hobbies but they do act the same way. And certain pairs, no offence, just make me want to gag my self due to history with bad and toxic fans but if I look at it subjectivly and never encountered mean fans from a certain ship, I would say that they ship simply doesn't work. No ship bashing but as far as I know, people with this kind of personality from this ship that I dislike, and get upset when seeing fan art of, simply just do not get along and had a hard time divorcing, it is not only unhealthy and unbalanced, it is downright abusive because both partners seek control and to have the upper hand and this is not...what romance is about???? It is about two people taking care of each other, understanding personal space and boundaries, lifting each other up and yeah, they will argue a lot, sometimes for small things, sometimes for bigger things, but generally the point of romantic relationships is not someone using you, or abusing you financially and generally being better or bigger than you. This breeds insecurity and jealousy in the other partner and makes them feel inadequate. Usually such problems are not talked over and one of the partners acts passive agressive which is what ultimaltly leads to said divorce. So yeah, people can go away with their (BUT IT IS CUTE, IT IS SO FUCKING CUTE) pairing because real life pairings and how humans communicate and develop friendships and relationships isn't based on what your mind conciders and doesn't concider cute and there are lots of factors on whether relationship will ever happen like common interests, type personality, etc and just block me so I will never hear from them and their childish mindset ever again, which is why I blocked certain tumbrl fan art hetalia accounts who produce art of a pairing I (dislike) lowkey hate, for historical reasons, for manga reasons, for toxic fans who bullied me and made me go on 3 hiatuses reason and ultimatly in real life experience and psychology and how humans and the human mind works and what is healthy and unhealthy reason. Why should I support something where certain people have been hateful towards me and these same people that act like these characters and I know in my life are on bad terms in real life? Why shouldn't I just move on to something more realistic and more healthy, that I have seen that works with humans I know first hand? I am not a clinical psychologist and I have no power or saying in this but I had to write thesis and read books by psycholgists and analyze them in high school and my first year of Uni, in order to pass the year and I have also read reccomended books by a psychologist I went to because I wanted an advice on how to deal with my anxiety and talking to people, because my condition is extremely severe but I honestly feel stuck and try to improve but also feel confused, I sometimes feel like I am not doing enough to

self improve as a human. I sometimes come off as too cold or overly bitter and angry without intending to, and it sucks.

Francis is a really manipulative person and Matthew picked up that from him while part of Alfred's agression doesn't only come from confidence in his own abilities but the fact that England him self is an overly agressive person and is very dominant or at least used to be for a very long time, now he is more mild to keep his gentleman persona but he does suffer from severe anger issues which he hides while Alfred is prone to breaking things and screaming, Arthur is more prone to being rude, sarcastic and generally mean before he loses it. Matthew and Francis do not engage in fight if they can avoid it which is why sometimes people call them cowardly I think? And Matthew is a bit prone to being a codependent people pleaser as far as I see and he seems to have severe anxiety issues. Francis albeit charismatic and beautiful, is deep down in his core lonely.

I think that part of his pervertedness, shocking people with his s*xual humour and all of this sex obsession comes from trauma in his childhood and dressing like a girl. I wouldn't explain what the trauma in question was since it is not canon but I do headcanon that he had s*xual trauma and it is partly why Hungary dressed like a guy. I don't know if this is legit, it is bias from reading too much japanese fan comics relating to hetalia or just general history of humans and how they treated consent and what is moral today, wasn't amoral or against the law a few centuries ago, but I have seen artists touch on it. I think both Arthur and Francis suffer from neglect and they weren't particularly good fathers, in fact no country is, the whole FACE family is dysfunctional and while I love all of them, I kinda pity them. I think Rome was a bit discriminatory mostly towards France and never towards his other children while Arthur had to constantly prove him self and was bullied by his brothers. While other nations have suffered from trauma too (I headcanon that Prussia was burnt on stake and people threw rocks at him due to his albinism and being left handed) something similar happened to Arthur, who I headcanon that he was burnt for being a witch and Francis went a few times through the guillotine, or Arthur still having a bullet scar on his arm from the American revolution or Francis having nightmares from that day where Jeanne was burnt and waking up in his own sweat. Arthur also must suffer from workholism and alcoholism, judging by how much he works and goes to pubs to drink. Everyone chooses their own poison and how to cope with life and many use unhealthy coping mechanisms, hell, even I used unhealthy coping mechanisms a lot in the past and I am not proud of them, in fact, I try to improve.

I can talk about their history and how it relates to their mental health and what scars they have for hours but I would bore you. You came for a song and I am probably boring you so I apologize for writting a lot of words, in advance. I basically think that fruk/ukfr is the ultimate ship for many reasons because they click, I do ship spuk/engita/asakiku and many other things but fruk/ukfr is kinda like butter and bread, it is a great combination. I never said it is 100 percent healthy, however their relationship makes psychological sense and their personalities click. I know people like to present arthur as this dumb tsundere man that blushes and says baka, or he is this garbage rat dad that no one likes or francis is presented or at least used to be this perverted sex machine that touched other countries inappropriatly or at least the 2012-2015 fans saw him this way and while he still has the reputation of a pervert, what many young people in the fandom see as disgusting, I just see as an overly lonely man that just happens to have high libido and copes with it by having casual sex and just has a sex humour, the same way some people have fart jokes humour or darker, more cursed humour, I am really glad that fans mostly left off this whole - Francis is a r**ist and will grope you, in the past, because honestly r**e is not joke and as a character he clearly understands consent and boundaries and I don't think someone like him would do such a thing. Also Greece and Turkey have even higher libido than him and sleep around more, yet he is the ''pervert'', I don't get it??????????? but fruk is just so much more than opposites attract, they have a lot in common so I can't say they're full opposites, no one is truly. I have heard people ask why does anyone ship fruk when it is just opposites attract/enemies to lovers trope and I am honestly confused, because that is extremely rough generalization to say the least, it is like saying - All men/women are the same, it is simply wrong/uncorrect. I think they ''married'' five times - The Treaty of Paris (1657) formed an alliance against Spain. The Anglo-French Alliance (1716–31) formed another alliance against Spain. The Anglo-French blockade of the Río de la Plata (1845-1850). The Anglo-French joint invasion of Qing Dynasty (1856–1860). And the last one which is their official marriage The Entente Cordiale (1904) fought together in both World Wars. As far as I remember Francis tried to marry Arthur but he refused and why he refused is up for subjective opinion but I must write a whole thesis on why Fruk/ukfr works so well and people are not here for that, they're here for the music and I will provide. I also always saw Francis as the more gentle and more submissive partner, I just love to see him drawn in frilly beautiful dresses with bows and stuff and Arthur as the more dominant, I mean as a country he was a powerhouse during the 1600s-1800s and used to be a punkrocker, usually rockers are mentally tough and that man is extremely cunning and witty so...people drawing him as this useless baka uwu overly feminine anorexic boy that looks more like a tween rather than a 23 year old guy just assasinated his character in my opinion and it disturbs me but I am just some awkward human on the internet and no one values my opinion anyway because this is the internet and many people nowdays love to have hot takes and try to gain followers through clickbait stuff which sometimes goes out of control and everything just seems more fake and shallow to me, the more old I get.Okay that was my silly rant no one asked about but I feel really passionate about hetalia and Fruk/Ukfr. Anyway, I apologize again for my long rant and going all over the place, please enjoy this playlist

PLAYLIST WITH SONGS THAT REMIND ME OF FRUK/UKFR

1 - Halestorm - Bad romance - rock cover https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ll4NJs3NBIU

2 - Queen - Somebody to love - lyrics https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zj69iA_goIk

3 - ABBA - Voulez vous - (I know everyone chooses Waterloo and while waterloo is a fruk theme, I think Voulez vous works too) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwcgMVXuBJc

4 - London beat - I've been thinking about you - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixBryyQSrD8

5 - Santana - Smooth - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Whgn_iE5uc

6 - George Michael - Careless whisper - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=izGwDsrQ1eQ

7 - Robbie Williams - Feel - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iy4mXZN1Zzk

8 - Michael Buble - Feeling good - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Edwsf-8F3sI

9 - Edith Piaf - La vie en rose - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFzViYkZAz4

10 - Chopin - Marriage d'amour (Spring waltz) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFJ7kDva7JE

11 - Vanessa Carlton - A thousand miles - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERw2LuU6Jj8

[transbibennyweir]

i wish erica’s development was a little more than just super smart dorky dusker girl to mean hot babe that could be a dusk character. there’s some stuff gleam past that. i mean. most of it is pretty background. like she loves being vampire and drinking blood and is even into the ritual vampiric stuff which is really interesting and neat for that kind of character. we don’t see characters like her often but they don’t really go in-depth with anything. the closest thing is the episode with the witches and erica goes up to her past bully fully intending to drink her blood. like erica being bullied and obsession with dusk is why she loves being a vampire and why she’s so confident to the point being unabashedly mean a lot of the time (it partly might be a coping mechanism too). also she gets with guys now and is wanted by them. but she’s never shown to actually be that popular. sure the guys that think she’s hot invite her to parties but she isn’t that really liked and doesn’t hang out with many people long term. then there’s the fact her being hot babe and really smart but doesn’t want people knowing about her smarts/nerdy side. she wants everyone to forget her “before” self. erica feels her life started when she became undead and a vampire which is the opposite to her best friend that she still loves and hangs out with constantly. sarah hates being a vampire and thinks her life ended when she got bite. the interesting thing is erica is mean and selfish and gives into her vampire wants but isn’t considered evil. sarah doesn’t consider her evil. and i think it’s because she knows it’s mostly an act and something erica does to protect herself from ever being bullied again and i really wish erica’s character was explored more especially her relationship to sarah.

[meta-squash]

So, last night I had a thought about self-harm (and addiction) and the reaction or framing from the press re: Richey Edwards vs Peter Doherty.

(This went off on a tangent, I’m sorry if it’s a little nonsensical and also I know my opinions are maybe kind of controversial.)

[Blanket TW for discussion of self-harm, eating disorders, and addiction in this post]

My best friend and I were having a conversation last night about self-harm as a coping mechanism and how people who have never self-harmed before don’t understand it and don’t know how to react to it, among other aspects of the subject. Later that got my brain on a different train going in a similar direction but a different destination.

I was thinking about the difference between the media interest surrounding Richey Edwards and Peter Doherty, and how the media framed their struggles and problems etc. (There is a slight difference between the two given that the Manics never got huge in the media and Richey wasn’t around for the explosion of internet tabloid culture.)

But my thought starts out with this: Peter and Richey seem to have done similar types of self-harm in similar amounts, and yet it is Richey’s self-harm that got all the media attention. Richey’s alcoholism and anorexia were not as chaotic or as....public?...as Peter’s drug problems, but it was all but ignored by the media even when he was fairly open about it.

Aside from the original 4REAL incident, which was a complex combination of situationist spectacle, self-expression/release of frustration, and intense message to the industry, Richey’s other moments of self-harm seem to be a more (for lack of a better word) normal level; they seem to have mostly been smaller, shallower cuts or cigarette burns. Aside from the one other recorded incident in Amsterdam ‘94 where Richey cut his chest enough to need stitches, there are no other instances on record of moments at the level of the 4REAL incident. Richey’s moments of self-harm seemed to typically be a more moderate coping mechanism rather than a tendency towards grievous injury. And yet the media’s main focus when it came to Richey was his self-harm and the spectacle of it rather than his lyrics or his other obvious struggles with alcohol and eating disorders.

And it’s interesting to compare that to Peter’s self-harm. I don’t think he’s ever had a moment like 4REAL, but he has used moderate cutting and cigarette burns presumably as a coping mechanism. His “strop” at Brixton ‘04 being the most outwardly dramatic and maybe the closest to 4REAL. But there are plenty of photos or footage of him with visible cuts and/or cigarette burns. And yet it doesn’t seem to be something the press really cared about.

On the flip side, there’s Peter’s addiction and all the media craze surrounding that. (As an aside, I cannot imagine how awful it must have been to have the media obsessing over your drug use while telling you to get better while essentially being its cause.) The press practically documented Peter’s every move re: his drug use and addiction. It was sensationalized and plastered everywhere and this obsessive attention was placed on it.

Which is the opposite of what happened to Richey’s problems. He talked fairly openly about his alcoholism in a number of interviews but rarely was he directly asked about it. Off the top of my head I can’t think of any interview that directly asked him about his eating disorders either, but he did mention some aspects of that in a few interviews (most notably his last ever TV interview for some Swedish channel).

Part of this difference in media focus kind of makes sense. The media picks the thing that’s more dramatic and crazy-sounding and a bigger spectacle. For Richey, it was self-harm, because he started with a proverbial bang by coming out the gate with the 4REAL incident that catapulted the Manics into the eye of the industry proper (despite the fact that he never reached that intense level again). For Peter, it was his drug abuse partly because of its more widespread chaos (drinking alone in your room is not as interesting or glamourous as smoking crack at wild parties, plus a dramatic band breakup draws readers) and partly because of his proximity to Really Famous People (ie Kate).

I guess it just interests me how the media decides which thing is more “concerning” and how that false concern in fact fuels the very thing it pretends to be so worried about.

The 4REAL incident was a shocking thing; it seems as though over the years the remaining Manics have come to acknowledge that that was pretty much the point. Nicky called it an “amazing, fantastic statement” in the 98 Up Close documentary. It’s something that was outside of Richey’s other self-harm because it was very much for a spectacle (JDB does say in the same docu that he was pretty sure Richey had sort of planned it). But none of Richey’s other moments of self harm were as public or as performative. I’d even say his Bangkok chest-cutting was only partially performative, considering how horrific the band considers that trip to have been. But really, his self-harm seemed to be mostly a private, personal thing, a coping mechanism. And yet it was pretty much all the press focused on, ignoring the alcoholism and anorexia that a) were likely actually affecting his ability to function and b) were likely bigger problems that the self-harm was used to balance out. The remaining band have talked about Richey’s drinking and how it affected him and made it difficult for him to function, and none of them ever really talk about Richey’s anorexia but looking at photos of him in 1994 you can really see the toll it takes on him. But the press weren’t interested in that.

And again, similarly, Peter’s drug use was fascinating to the press because it was dramatic and chaotic and an interesting spectacle. But after reading the Books Of Albion etc it sure seems like the press were major instigators of a lot of Peter’s problems and his need to use drugs to cope and/or escape. They ignore his self-harm because it’s not as interesting as his addiction; the opposite of the “mundanity” of Richey’s introverted alcoholism.

The press chooses which problem it’s “concerned” about depending on which one is a more interesting, easily-maintained spectacle. If it can flaunt “concern” in order to goad or stress their victim into doing that thing more, it can perpetuate that cycle: “we’re so concerned about you, look we’ve written an article on your drug-induced antics/your dramatic self-harming tendencies with pictures and misquotes and misunderstanding, oh we’re so concerned we’ve parked ourselves outside your venue and/or house to ask intrusive questions about your problems rather than your art, wait why are you still struggling with this drug/self-harm problem we said we were concerned about you, look we’ve written another article about how you’re struggling and we’re concerned but we haven’t actually asked you what’s wrong or how to help or done the most obvious thing which is leave you alone” ad nauseum.

Plus, these things are always appropriated by the press rather than a request made for clarification from the person. The victim’s candid thoughts about their hurt or their reasons for needing this coping mechanisms are not actually heeded but are twisted round and into part of the “story” rather than taken seriously as an explanation or a plea for the media to fuck off because they’re exacerbating the problem.

And now I go into more theoretical ramblings.

(Side note and/or clarification or...something: I can speak from long-term experience when it comes to self-harm as a coping mechanism etc, but I have not personally dealt with drug addiction so when I’m talking about that, it’s definitely as an outsider. I have friends who are recovering addicts and who I’ve known during their more intense struggles but I have not experienced it myself, like, in my own brain/body.)

Something my best friend and I were discussing in the conversation that triggered this entire thought-train is self-harm as seen by outsiders/people who have never self-harmed or thought about it in any seriousness. (And here comes some more serious discussion, as a warning.)

We talked about how there really isn’t a good argument against self-harm as a coping mechanism. (And I know my opinions here are probably controversial.) Most seem to center around “healthy” coping mechanisms vs “unhealthy” but if it’s your own body and you aren’t hurting anyone else, who’s to say what’s what? The other problem re: “healthy” coping mechanisms (like taking a bath, treating yourself, etc) is that the concern against self-harm seems to be that it isn’t addressing the underlying issue that requires the coping mechanism. But neither does doing some skin care or eating an apple (that is, if the problem is a stressor outside of needing sustenance or being able to do something “relaxing” enough to actually relax). That isn’t to say that self-harm is a good reaction to every stressful moment, but it truly is a very singular type of stimulation and release that is sometimes the only effective method of reacting to and coping with an internal or external stressor.

As a clarification, most acts of self-harm are not to the severity level of 4REAL. Cigarette burns and collections of minor-to-moderate cuts are much more common, neither of which are particularly threatening to the overall wellbeing of the person.

The other thought about self-harm and the reason for the media’s focus on it is the discomfort of and fascination a “badge” of struggle. When you’re depressed and you can’t get out of bed, it’s not like you get up a few days later and there’s a big sign that says “Was Depressed, Couldn’t Move,” or if you feel stressed and overwhelmed so you go drink wine in the bath, you don’t spend the rest of the day with some sort of sign telling other people that you felt bad so you bathed. But self-harm is a personal coping mechanism with evidence attached. And that evidence makes people who can’t understand it uncomfortable. Self-harm leaves a mark which other people are confronted by and they don’t know how to react because they cannot imagine how that can be something that helps. Self-harm is a “badge” of struggle and/or coping--not that it’s a proud mark or anything, just that it’s visible to others in a way that stands out and is singled out. I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas after not getting out of bed for 5 days and nobody looked at me funny or asked me why I looked all rumpled. But I’ve had random strangers at the grocery store ask me about the self-harm scars on my upper arms. Scars are a sign of hurt or stress etc that are visible to others which means they feel compelled to confront their feelings about it and often come up uncomfortable and not understanding and confused.

Similarly, I think drug use/addiction can sometimes be a similar “badge” of struggle, especially if it’s apparent onstage or during various public appearances. It’s something that people outside of it don’t understand. Likely they don’t understand the use of drugs as something other than “for fun.” People don’t understand the depths of using drugs as escape from or coping with (or both) stressors. Raw dogging reality is kind of a tall order if reality is overwhelming and stressful to a degree that’s difficult or impossible to control and/or manage. Not to mention using drugs for coping or escape then can lead to dependency and addiction and that’s a whole new game. Because, you know, that’s the thing: it’s not just about kicking an addiction. If you try to kick an addiction without replacing it with something else, you can pretty easily fall back into it because it’s not just a physical dependency, it’s a way to deal with reality. If you’re trying to go from a using a crutch to deal with reality to straight up raw dogging it without a fallback crutch, it’s gonna be real hard. In terms of a “badge” of struggle I think that use of drugs where intoxication is more obvious or more intense than, say, weed, people are uncomfortable. With a drug’s effects on behavior, I’m sure, but also with the outward signs that the person is obviously using a coping mechanism to deal with stresses or hurts.

In both situations it’s an exposure of this internality that outsiders can’t fully understand or touch. Everyone’s reasons for self harm or drug use are going to be different. The “benefit” that the coping mechanism brings is going to be different for everyone. And it especially means that strangers who don’t have experience with these things cannot fathom them and cannot comprehend them. There’s that desire to understand, that curiosity, (and sometimes an actual desire to help), but no one can read another person’s mind or understand their internality completely, and the visuals of self harm or of drug use are a very intense and forward reminder of that.

And I think those “badges” of struggle are something the media loves to capitalize on, because they can be turned into a spectacle and can be monetized due to outsiders’ discomfort. People watch horror movies or read tabloids because it makes them uncomfortable from a safe distance; these things aren’t happening to them, but another person’s obvious pain/fear/sadness/struggle/etc is just discomforting and strange enough to evoke a dark fascination rather than a total rejection. And the cycle continues as the media capitalizes on their victim’s stress and their coping with that stress, and which then causes more stress which then causes a need for a more intense coping or escaping mechanism, etc.

To bring it back to my original point, the reason the press focused on Richey’s self-harm (despite it being not too terribly excessive or intense) and not his addiction or ED problems, and the reason the press focused on Peter’s addiction and not his self-harm is because of the degree and type of fascination/discomfort those things brought. Richey’s self-harm was interesting enough and obvious enough that they could show lurid photos of his scabs and scars and talk to him about it, but he did his drinking in private and didn’t really cause any sort of scene onstage. And Peter’s drug use was interesting enough and public enough that they could show lurid photos of it as well as collect all sorts of gossip and rumour and twisted-around tales while his self-harm clearly wasn’t as dramatic or fascinating to them. People can read the tabloids and be darkly fascinated by a person cutting themselves up but maybe not by someone drinking at night in their bed (because that’s boring to read about). People can read the tabloids and be gleefully horrified by abuse of class A drugs and the actions/behavior surrounding that but that’s going to be more interesting than a person stubbing a cigarette out on their arm in frustration and despair. It’s all about what can be painted in a more dramatic light. It’s all about what internal things can be made public.

[tothedarkdarkseas]

The way Vampire AU has taken off has really warmed my heart! So many great thoughts all round. I sent you some elaborations on my own personal headcanons for it as a submission, just for the fun of it. Enjoy!

Hi! I got your submission last night and read over it-- it's very elaborate, you've clearly put a lot of thought into fleshing this AU out and it sounds like a ton of fun. I know you mentioned at the end that you had no intentions of writing it because you're busy with other fandom projects, but I'm sure there are many who'd be interested in reading your ideas if you ever decided to make a sideblog for it. I'll post your submission for others to read below a cut here so that the post won't be too long on the dashboard, and I'll reply to some of the specifics underneath!

Yes! I have so many more thoughts on a vampire AU, I figured it would be easier to put them in a submission. Hope you don't mind.

The concept is just so fascinating to me, because so much of it lines up perfectly with the character dynamics we're given in the canon, and what doesn't has the potential to expand on and explore those dynamics in a really interesting way.

I agree 100 percent about the tone it would have to be written in. An actual brooding, dark prince Murdoc type of thing wouldn't work for me. (Murdoc would try to play up that persona, but in reality, he'd be far from it.) In my mind, the tone would be half What We Do In The Shadows and half Being Human UK. Four misfits living in a mouldering mansion somewhere, getting on each other's tits - but deep down they've got each other's backs. There's a bond, even if they can't quite explain what it is.

In my mind the bloodlust would function as an addiction. Murdoc is no Mother Theresa but he's not comfortable with indiscriminate murder either. (Guilt and self-loathing is not a good combination in Murdoc.) Knowing there is no in between for vampires - you can't have a sip here and there, it's abstinence or nightly slaughter - he stays teetotal from blood and tries to channel his desires into other addictions instead. Any and every addiction, really. Drugs, booze, sex, theft, you name it. Which is how he comes to be doing donuts in a stolen car in a Tesco car park, at the exact same time Stuart Pot is making a midnight run for condoms and Tango.

I picture Murdoc's turning of Stu would be this confusing moment that even he can't fully explain, so he's always switching his story about it. One day he'll say he didn't want to deal with the police, another day it'll be vampire enforcers he was afraid of - "total killjoys, they'll bung you in a blood-filled coffin for a hundred years over the TINIEST infraction". Other days he comes close to admitting he felt guilty, that he flipped out over the idea of killing someone after all, when he's dedicating all his energy to avoiding doing just that. Sometimes he just calls it a moment of madness.

But in every vampire movie, there's that moment. The moment where the newly-turned vamp rises from the grave as this beautiful unearthly creature of the night, and I mean . . . this absolutely would be Murdoc's experience of it. He's almost convinced himself there aren't real vampires like that, that it's all Hollywood bollocks, and then Stu rises up in front of him like some black-eyed, blue-haired god, and the part of Murdoc that isn't utterly gobsmacked by it can't help resenting the little sod for making it look so easy. Murdoc likes to take the piss out of him and claim he's like one of those Lost Boys California pretty boy vampires, but he's jealous really.

I imagine Murdoc would be similarly mercurial about how he was turned. There's always some hyperbolic story about it, designed to paint Murdoc in the best light. Sometimes he was the premier occultist of his day. Sometimes he sold his soul to the devil for immortality. Sometimes he was turned by a beautiful vampire seductress, who was bitter he broke her heart. It's all bollocks. The truth is definitely something less glamorous, and I would imagine actually much sadder as well? I'm not sure what, but I'm picturing something like Murdoc's father being some small-time occultist who sold his son to vampires, or maybe Murdoc was working some menial job and was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe he was turned by some vampire who would have drunk him dry, if Murdoc hadn't fought him off. Or maybe it's a bit of mystery, like the mystery of his mother in canon. Someone did this to Murdoc, someone made him what he is, but he has no memory of it. And all the different stories are actually partly a coping mechanism for that, as he tries on different explanations for size. (It would also explain why he would refuse to abandon Stu after turning him. Because navigating this new reality alone is something he wouldn't wish on anyone, even some dumb kid.)

I think the supernatural element would also be a great way to expand on and deepen Murdoc's relationships with Russell and Noodle. In supernatural fiction there are always two types of beings that hate each other. Usually vampires and werewolves, but often vampires and ghosts too. As, obviously, vamps can't drain ghosts, and they spend their lives running from the guilt of all the people they've killed. Ghosts are a constant reminder of that - and of the afterlife they both fear, and resent that they were denied. I can picture Russell maybe helping Murdoc exorcise the ghost of Hannibal or Jacob, and that's how they meet. (And why he has more patience with Murdoc than most. He's seen him at his most vulnerable.) Noodle would be great as a vampire hunter too. Her dynamic with Murdoc would be fraught as on the one hand, she respects Russell and venerates him for his connection to the spirit world, so to a certain extent anything he says she'll try to respect. And Murdoc is supposedly reformed, and she has moments where she even almost quite likes him. But her instinct is not to trust him. Her instinct is to put him down, and they both know it. As much as he battles his bloodlust around her, she battles her urge to put a stake through his heart, Van Helsing style.

Finding out he turned someone would be a MAJOR ruck in their relationship. But I think Murdoc would use 2-D to convince her and Russell to stick around - because he turned him, but it wasn't like he was chowing down on the lad, it was practically an act of charity, really. Practically an act of atonement. And if they both leave now, Stu is only left with Mr Bad Influence Murdoc Niccals, to teach him how to be a vampire, and restrain his urges and whatnot. And Murdoc has never been much good at all that AA, 12 step stuff, so unless they WANT poor sweet Stuart Pot to wind up spending eternity as some kind of crackhead . . . it would be a kindness to him, really, to stick around.

I could not agree more about how Murdoc turning Stu would mirror their Phase Two dynamic, with Stu literally having become "the thing Murdoc turned him into", and resenting that. But also, having moments of perverse gratitude for it? Stu is vain, and vampire Stu would be gorgeous, which I reckon he'd love. And though I think he'd hate that his normal life of footy with the boys and Sunday dinner at his mum's was over, I can also imagine him feeling this whole new world has opened up in front of him, something most people aren't special enough to gain entry to. And he likes that.

I can even see the fame thing and the band happening. Music would be a great, healthier way to channel the urges he can't act on. And I can see Murdoc agreeing. Admitting that he's been playing in bands for years, because it's actually a great cover for a vampire lifestyle. Being nocturnal is practically a prerequisite, when you're a rock star, and you can get away with looking all kinds of weird when you're in a band, because people just chalk it up to the aesthetic. Still, until he met 2-D, none of the bands he'd been in were actually any GOOD. 2-D reawakens his love of music, the same way he is the turning point for Murdoc's career in the canon.

Vampirism would also be a great way to explore Stuart's flaws. His vanity is an obvious one, but I can also see him avoiding his family and not letting them know why he'd disappeared for years. Just too self-absorbed to appreciate the harm it's caused. I can also see the pill problem happening as he imitates Murdoc's habit of abusing substances to try and blunt his bloodlust. I can imagine him saying stupid stuff like "you never even took me to the hospital!" and convincing himself he experiences phantom headaches, because he doesn't want to admit he's becoming just like Murdoc, actually. He tells himself the pills are medicine and he really needs them, and it's not the same at all.

And I can see him getting too carried away with his lusts, and having several near misses or disastrous incidents where he brings girls home and loses control of himself. Where Murdoc jumps in and saves it from getting too out of hand, but at the same time exposes how he's basically been stalking Stu "for your own protection", with a side of decidedly voyeuristic intentions. Stu has . . . strong (and somewhat confused) feelings about this.

I think Murdoc would be the same trouble magnet in the vampire underworld that he was in the criminal one. Feelings about Murdoc range from "this unwashed oik should NEVER have been allowed to become one of us" to "I WILL STAKE MURDOC FAUST NICCALS IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO". Murdoc would definitely continue his streak of petty crime any time he entered the hallowed halls of the vampire hoi poloi. He'd be pilfering left and right. And I can't imagine he'd ever kowtow to the aristocracy, which, in a subculture as obsessed with class as vampires . . .  yeah, he's insolent, to say the least. And they hate it. They just hate Murdoc, generally. I imagine 2-D might consider crossing over to the dark side to join them, to spite Murdoc, before eventually he realizes that - amazing as it sounds - even Murdoc has higher moral standards than these people. Maybe he's better off with the devil he knows.

I love what you said about Murdoc and Stuart being hung by the same rope, for all eternity. That's exactly the dynamic I think a vampire AU would bring about. I also think Murdoc being Stu's vampire sire would be interesting in the romantic sense, as part of them would always second guess if that was the reason for the bond they feel. Are they developing feelings, or is all of this just the blood bond? I can imagine Stuart hating his own inability to judge why he feels so drawn to Murdoc, and I can see Murdoc trying to convince himself any possessiveness or pride or protectiveness he feels over Stu is just what all vampires feel when they turn someone. (Even though it's not.) It would be a potent brew.

Anyway, this was long but I will never have the time to actually write this (I have five WIPs in other fandoms already) so I thought I'd let it out somehow. Thanks for giving me the space to talk this over!

(If anyone wants to run with this and make something of it, by the way, have at it! Just credit me somewhere for the idea. That'd be good.)

This was quite a ride! I love the idea of Stuart Pot's mortal life ending when he's mowed down in a Tesco car park buying condoms and Tango. It's cruel to say it's what he deserves and frankly the complete antithesis of the whole conflict I'm begging for, but... it's what he deserves. I'm also very intrigued by the angle of treating bloodlust as an addiction: it could theoretically be overcome, but practically speaking, rarely is. This makes it easy to see how Murdoc spins off into such a cartoonishly extreme life of debauchery. I love the bit about Murdoc changing his story of what happened, both the night he hit Stuart and his own origin-- the difference being that Stu does know what happened to him, whether he ever chooses to believe Murdoc's ever-shifting justifications for it or not, but no one can ever really know where Murdoc came from except himself. I definitely agree that the truth has to be less glamorous, less thrilling, less worthy of tales and legends. I like Stuart and Murdoc best when they are not men born into greatness nor men born for greatness, not inherently, and I love the private grappling with the belief that they are special and the fear that they probably aren't. Your explanation of the foil-like dynamic between vampires and spirits/ghosts is interesting, I don't know if that's an established piece of vampire lore or if that's your own invention, but I think it's a really solid one. I don't know if I've truly seen those two creatures explored in a world together with such a direct emphasis on that ghoulish ecosystem, so to speak.

And, well, I'm quite predictable but I'm ready to invest $5k in a full novel exploring Stu's estrangement from his family and friends following the transformation, the psychological toll it takes to choose-- though he may feel he has no other choice at all-- to abandon those relationships, how his own descent may mirror Murdoc's as he shelters himself in chalk-tablet excess and a vibrant, at times frightful carnal life to distract himself from the guilt. I'm dying to see how he could approach mending those fences again after years away. It isn't something one sweeps under the rug, isn't something that he can make amends for. This sort of thing shatters a family, and in my imagining of Rachel and David, it certainly shattered his. This kind of permanently-marred family drama really captivates me and is something I don't think we should shy away from in stories about addiction, and it would be fascinating to explore the human element of that against the metaphorical monstrous one.

I love what you mentioned about the "blood bond" and how it factors into the pull between them they're too unsettled to really name. This adds an extra layer of confusion, as you say, and better justifies why they find themselves orbiting each other, pretending there's a blood-coloured chain tethering them and ignoring the heavy weighted padlock in the middle that pulls them down, down, down. I've spoken a lot on this blog about why Stu is participatory in the relationship when he dislikes Murdoc in such a profound way, and while I absolutely never tire of the messy, bleak human weakness and ego of that, it would be quite special to explore that with something that almost feels like an excuse for Stu, a macabre justification entirely out of his hands; it gives him permission to be part of this broken spiral and absolves him of the responsibility of acknowledging his choice. I'd like to think he still lives with it, as Murdoc does too, but they may appreciate the safety of the smokescreen as much as they struggle to see through it.

Thanks for sending me your ideas, I hope other readers will enjoy seeing your elaborations, and if you're having fun thinking about these two goons I'd encourage you to consider making a blog. Sometimes you get lucky and draw in people who are incredibly kind!

(Lastly, unrelated fun fact about vampirism in my life: my first job was playing a vampire at a haunted amusement park. Our "Scare Zone" was designed as a junkyard taken over by a vampire gang, and I was the "queen" with a throne made of old tires. It was... a fun job and also not a fun job, haha.)

[reggiehargreeves]

Hargreeves + DnD

I started playing DnD earlier this year and it’s become my weekly escape and obsession, and because my brain is a *dumpster* I’ve been thinking about each of the Hargreeves siblings and which DnD class + subclass they’d be if they were characters. In fact, I have spent TOO MUCH time thinking about it. Call it a US election coping mechanism. Spoilers for the show under the cut.

Luther - Paladin, Oath of Devotion. I thought fighter or barbarian would be too obvious of choices. Paladins are hardy adventurers, driven by a belief in something, most typically a divine figure. For most of his life, Luther lives in service to his father because he believes, deep down, despite how cruel and strict Reginald is, it’s all for a better, higher cause. He makes excuses for Reginald’s abuse until he absolutely can’t, which shatters him a bit. It’s only when he transfers 100% of his loyalty, belief, and love to his family, is he righted again. For his subclass, I considered Oath of Redemption, but I think Devotion fits our big guy better.

Diego - Rogue, Swashbuckler. Maybe this choice is a bit obvious, but it’s difficult for me to imagine Diego as anything else! Rogues are more than capable combatants, but are also known for their reliance on stealth and cunning. Now...Diego may have his moments where he is decidedly not cunning, but he wouldn’t be a Hargreeves if he could fire more than 3 brain cells at a time. I almost went with Assassin for the subclass, but I also don’t think my bb is necessarily sneaky enough, hence Swashbuckler. There’s also the stereotype of the Broody Rogue, and while Diego genuinely has a Tragic Backstory™ and Mommy Issues™, his tough-guy-with-a-gold-and-incredibly-soft-heart nature speaks to the class.

Allison - Bard, College of Eloquence. I can hear you now. But Avery, doesn’t Vanya play the violin??? Yes! But Bards are an expansive class when you look beyond their stereotypes. Bards can be accomplished diplomats and storytellers thanks to their natural charisma. Allison’s power of rumoring others lends itself nicely to the class. She is capable of making others do as she pleases and up until a point in S1, we know she’s used her powers enough to provide herself with a very comfortable life outside the Academy. Bards are also capable of filling ability gaps in parties of adventurers in support roles. Need another sword or caster? Bards can fill that spot. Allison’s power, like Klaus’s, is more subtle than Luther and Diego, but as we saw in her fights with Cha Cha and Lila, she’s more than capable of holding her own in a physical fighter when she needs to.

Klaus - Wizard, School of Necromancy. I mean, you knew it was going to be a necromancer of some kind, right? Our spindly boy is our reluctant wizard of the party. Klaus can commune with the ghosts of the dead, and is not only able to speak with them, but also capable of commanding and even touching them. Necromancy is considered taboo in the world of DnD, and most societies frown upon wizards just up and reviving dead loved ones. Klaus, for the most part, hates his power. As a child, Reginald locks him in a mausoleum to be tormented by the long-dead ghosts that live there in an attempt to make him “”stronger””, and he is traumatized. As a teenager and adult, he develops addictions to numb himself from facing the dead. For most of his life, the only positive thing to come from his power is his ability to summon Ben. He doesn’t come into his powers for several years. Klaus would make a fascinating inspiration for a reluctant I’d-rather-not-use-my-natural-abilities necromancer. Runner up: Grave Domain Cleric.

Five - Warlock, no subclass choice at the moment. I struggled with Five as he, to our knowledge, is perhaps the smartest of the siblings. This is partly due to his lived experience, as well as the work he put into figuring out his time traveling abilities. It speaks to the whole “warlocks are driven by an insatiable need for knowledge and power”, wherein warlocks seek to strike deals or create pacts with entities far more powerful than them. After getting himself stuck alone in an apocalyptic future for decades, unable to figure out how to get back, he’s approached by the Handler. She offers him 5 years of service, after which he may retire to any time/place he wants. HMMM. How Warlock-y. Anyway, we know that this isn’t the first deal he is forced to strike with the Handler in exchange for knowledge and power.

Ben - Monk, Way of the Astral Self. I really struggled with Ben. My first thought was a Circle of the Moon Druid, BUT I don’t think of Ben as nature-y as a stereotypical Druid. However, he’s fairly shy, studious, and sensitive. Monks also require a mastery over their own body in order to harness both their physical and magical abilities, which reminds me of Ben’s eldritch power. When you have a kind of void or passageway to another hellish dimension in your tummy, learning self-control at an early age is probably paramount. Way of the Astral Self Monks also struggle with their magical ability (ki). To quote DNDBeyond, “They see their mystical energy as a representation of their true form, an astral self. This form has the capacity to be a force of good or destruction, with some monasteries training students to either temper their nature or embrace their impulses.“ We see Ben’s hesitancy to use his power at the bank robbery mission. He doesn’t just kill the perps, he annihilates them, and I’m sure it was not the first time he was forced to do it. Just think of the depressing internal despair that sensitive bb felt after every mission. I’m sure there are plenty of Trauma!Ben fics out there to explain it better.

Vanya - Sorcerer, no subclass choice at the moment. Sorcerers are supposed to be rare in the world of DnD, and if you look at the player’s handbook or do a little reading, you’ll get the gist why. Sorcerers have raw and unpredictable magic flowing beneath their skin. It can be frightening at first, much like Vanya’s discovery of her powers and their suppression, but maybe even intoxicating. Difficult to control when triggered by external forces. Sorcerers are akin to the rage ability of barbarians, and prefer to blast enemies into kingdom come. Sound familiar? I would imagine Vanya much like Klaus in DnD, reluctant to use her powers, especially after finding out just how sideways things can go when she uses them. Yet I also think she’d be excited to be *special* after a lifetime of being told she’s useless.

If you made it this far -- thank you! I am a DnD newbie so I’m sure more veteran players have better choices/ideas/explanations than I do.

[soulvomit]

Because of how I was brought up with regard to emotions, I had very, very poor emotional regulation for a lot of my early life. I was also basically just left to emotionally fend for myself in a lot of ways. My parents basically couldn’t deal with emotions, and didn’t teach me to deal with them, and my going from this school to that school to homeschool to that other school to homeschool again didn’t help, because I didn’t really get to practice this stuff with other kids, either. 

Basically I was taught that I had to internalize all of my feelings, so I had two modes, Vulcan and Tornado (when the emotions couldn’t be internalized anymore). The problem is, by the time the emotions hit, they were just a seemingly unprovoked rage tantrum or a cry fest, sometimes triggered by some emotional content in a movie, or something weird that my brain had latched onto that didn’t even make sense to me. There was a period when I was 8 where pictures of orchids would set off crying jags. I don’t understand why. I didn’t understand why then, either. 

I just had all of these random emotions that I didn’t understand, I didn’t even know what they connected to, and because I couldn’t make sense of my feelings - I couldn’t even tell you what I wanted, because I was conditioned to just name off practical considerations or “logical” reasons I SHOULD want a particular thing. (And it’s for this reason that I stayed in shitty relationships, or even stayed with people I didn’t love. I didn’t like my ex husband that much, but I couldn’t even admit this to myself. I had all kinds of rationalizations for why I should marry him anyway just because HE was interested. But tbh, I didn’t like him that much, and I never did.)  

When I started questioning my sexuality, the biggest reason my mom couldn’t wrap her mind around this is because of her mindset that personal fulfillment is NOT WHY WOMEN GET MARRIED. And the problem is - sexuality and gender identity are ALL ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL FEELINGS. And in her mind, this was a reason that gay and trans people were actually invalid. I tried to talk to her about my feelings for other women, but what came up was, “feelings aren’t why people get married.” 

And when I questioned my gender, she also couldn’t wrap her mind around that, either. “But ALL women have those feelings!” You just perform whatever role has been assigned to you, PERIOD, that’s how you are a good person, or you are letting multiple people down. And your gender isn’t just your identity, it also comes bundled with specific DUTIES. (The irony is that I would not have been able to be with my fiance if I had not learned to accept that People Partner Because FEELINGS. I had to go through “wait... it’s okay to be gay” to unravel that tangled mess. Identifying as gay for as long as I did, was partly about making a stand that MY PERSONAL FEELINGS MATTER. And once I acknowledged that same sex relationships - which exist largely because of FEELINGS -  were okay... eventually, I fell in love with a man who was not someone my mother would have picked out for me. But this was only possible because of my having internalized the idea that MARRYING FOR LOVE was okay in the first place.)

So basically, this is the soup I was swimming in when I was struggling to learn emotions. It doesn’t help that I grew up in a household where the whole idea of feelings, was basically disregarded. (I wonder if it’s this way with other people whose parents are poor, or in survivor mode, or who are from more traditionalist/”old world” families). I was expected to put my feelings aside and expected to have the emotional skills of an adult. And also, my mom has a lot of deep-seated stuff about how personal growth and fulfillment are ONLY FOR MEN. (She actually has a lot of resentment over this.) She believes most advice about being happy as an individual, or how to succeed in the world, only applies to men. But she also internalizes the Judging Voice of ancestors who believed this or that was women’s duties and that doing anything else, for a woman, meant shirking her primary assigned duties. It’s about half unconscious but sometimes she will blurt out something that actually indicates that she believes this. 

I learned to control my emotions via directly manipulating my brain chemistry. This is how I stopped being a “crybaby” - there are a couple of different methods. In the short term, I dealt with overwhelm and feeling the tears or rage coming on in public, by doing a particular exercise that I made up. When I was 12, I had taken a brief class in t’ai chi, and we did breathing stuff and “glowing green ball” visualization. Inspired by that and by the Vulcan people from Star Trek, I made up an exercise to suppress my emotions where I would do breathing exercises then steeple all my fingertips together like Mr. Spock and imagine a glowing green ball in my hands. All of my emotions would go into the ball. My thoughts would slow down and I would return to an emotionless space.  The other thing I did, had to do with my maladaptive daydreaming. I would project my emotions onto fictional characters - often unconsciously (I didn’t know WHY I was drawn to particular images, I just was). I would replay scenarios in my head that took place between fictional characters. I was especially addicted to romantic scenarios and imagery. Being obsessed with romantic couples felt like a deeply shameworthy hidden “kink” and the less I could talk about it openly (believe it or not, it’s fanfic culture that brought this out into the open), the more obsessed I was.

One of the problems I had was how much I was used to using my maladaptive daydreaming scripts to cope with shit going on in my real world instead of just... fixing that shit. The funny thing is that my school psychologists recognized that this was what my daydreaming was, when I was a child, but my parents didn’t really acknowledge it; I was actually rewarded for both my obsessive interests and my daydreaming as a child, because both of them meant that I was being undemanding. I was coached, however, not to talk about these things with other people. They were okay to do at home.

I also had trichotillomania, and when I was in a period of doing lots of group therapy in my early 30s - I discovered what my “trigger” was, I discovered that it related to feeling abandoned and empty. And just like that, that’s when I finally stopped doing it - I learned to recognize the feelings that triggered my trich, instead of jumping right into doing the trich things. I had been learning how to just sit with my feelings. And at some point, I started using my “centering” method (the breathing thing with the glowing ball) to quiet my mind down and sit with my emotions, and to reduce my stress levels, instead of using it to suppress my emotions.  My emotional landscape was like this... “I don’t know how I’m feeling. All I know is that I’m pulling my hair a lot and daydreaming a lot. Also, I had a meltdown at work but I don’t know why. Also, I got irrationally angry at so-and-so because they offended me personally.” (And my offense was connected, generally, to my emotionality being triggered.) But over time, and with lots of learning and new skills, I learned... that the fact that I wanted to do a particular unproductive or self-destructive thing, was indication that I was feeling something. And this meant that I was not to act out, but that I was to sit with my feelings and ask myself what I was feeling. 

I had to learn to start validating myself, and seeing my own feelings as valid. The funny thing is, I parsed to lots of people as being unemotional. I could not have emotional conversations with my partners; stuff about emotions made me dissociate or check out. I felt horribly confronted whenever asked about my feelings. (Honestly, this is a big reason I had begun preferring male friends. We didn’t talk overmuch about feelings.) This comes from a background in which I was often shamed for my feelings.  

The turning point for a lot of this was in my early 30s. 

This is about the time when I was doing Landmark Forum, when I was in group therapy, when I was going to Adult Children of Alcoholics (to try to repair my relationship with  my dad, who is an Adult Child; alcoholic-adjacent coping mechanisms can persist generations after the last alcoholic in the family has died.)   I was in a shit ton of therapy for years. I was in a bunch of support groups, but most importantly, they weren’t 100% filled with peers who validated me 100% of the time. In fact - looking for “safe spaces” full of only my own peers, had been what had held me back. What was actually beneficial to me was being in spaces that had people who were older and further along in their recovery than me, people who had better coping skills than I did, and learning to be present when people bitched me out instead of just automatically “shields up” and spacing out when I got confronted about stuff. 

I also was doing a SHIT TON of journaling and blogging and writing in spaces such as message forums and mailing lists (Tumblr sort of picked up where the forums left off.)

[babyboy-ollie]

Having a Little With Body Dysmorphia Means...

Trigger Warning

“[...] Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) is a psychiatric disorder in which people become obsessed with a slight imperfection or nonexistent body “flaw.” [it is] a fixation that interferes with [...] daily life. [Body dysmorphia] is a pervasive perception that your body is different and more negative appearing than the actual facts, no matter how many times you are presented with the facts”. (Source)

Reminding them that they are perfect

Not holding back your compliments

Comforting them when they catch a glimpse of themself in the mirror

Reminding them that their brain is a big meanie and the way they see themselves is not how others see them

Understanding that bath time is not fun or enjoyable for them, and it’s probably something that they will want to do alone

Learning what their triggers are and avoiding them as much as possible

Accepting the fact that while your compliments mean a lot to them, they will not magically make them feel better

Getting used to the fact that they will steal your baggy clothes (Partly because baby, partly because it can help ease dysmorphic episodes)

Keeping them safe from “body checks”, body shaming and other harmful trends on social media

Distracting them when they have the urge to obsessively check themselves in the mirror

Knowing that it may cause them to self-harm, and knowing how to help them (Link to “Littles Who Self-Harm)

Understanding that it is more than just “I don’t like my body”. Body Dysmorphia is terrible, and it’s something that can make you feel like you want to crawl out of your own skin. Your compliments and reassurance, while very appreciated, are not going to magically fix it and make it better. Learn what your little does and does not want from you and ask them how you can best help them. Always always encourage them to see a professional who can help them work out their feelings and teach them healthy coping mechanisms.

[prettyboysdontlookatexplosions]

meme response given its own post for reasons of wildly self-indulgent length! asked by @honeybabydichotomy:

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

so when i first thought about eliot’s undignified past having terrible sex with a cokehead drummer, i thought it was going to be a one-off reference to add some color and depth to their trip to red hook - i didn’t even think he was going to tell quentin at first, much less that the thread of that period of his life was going to extend through like, three entire scenes, but it just kept growing! this was while season 5 was airing and it felt very fraught and gratuitous to give eliot, done so wrong by the text, even more stories about being depressed and doing a lot of drugs and hooking up with terrible people... but i also really, really felt like it should be there, even though i couldn’t name why. and what i finally figured out is that the reason that stuff is in there is because eliot spends so much of this story mired in self-loathing and very steeped in the depressing conviction that there’s something fundamentally wrong about him that cannot be changed, that every time he’s thought he changed he was lying to himself, etc.... and the stuff with the drummer lets us see, even as eliot can’t, that even though in this story eliot is depressed and horny about someone he feels he shouldn’t be horny about and full of regret and spending a lot of his time drinking his face off and being sad... he has changed, he has grown, he’s not where he was five years ago.

he’s very set, for example, from the start of the story, on not trying to fuck someone who has a girlfriend; he is obsessed with a person who is, like, a decent human being who has been nice to him in the past; he’s not doing well but he’s not the strung out mess who showed up to his brakebills interview. which, this is kind of an important idea, to me: that sometimes lying on your back too stoned to sit upright can actually be a meaningful sign of progress, depending on where you’re coming from. especially considering that without even letting himself see what he’s doing, he is like, constantly caring for quentin in this story, and in particular, making sure to cook him a dinner he’s not even planning to eat before he loses all motor function is this act of like deep unselfish care which is very different from the eliot who was running so hard away from his own pain that in the process he shut down his big caring heart. 

(sidebar but that idea also came from my desire to write about eliot being fucked up but not add to the Eliot Waugh Trauma P*rn Parade... i loved the image of quentin after their fight coming home to finding eliot flat on his back and totally incapacitated, but i really really really didn’t want this to be a story about how quentin saves eliot, or forgives eliot for being a fuck-up, or like, fixes him with his love or whatever... like, the payoff of this story could not be quentin gives eliot something. them getting together doesn’t work if eliot hasn’t shifted internally first. so eliot making dinner was a way for him to show agency and growth even while also being an emotionally unstable disaster with bad coping mechanisms, and instead of quentin rescuing him from his own mess, it becomes a scene about how eliot’s heart changes quentin’s understanding of the situation.)

and then once i had identified this, that helped me reshape my plan for the scene in his bedroom, which i hadn’t initially planned on bringing nearly so close to the precipice of hooking up - it was more going to be just about the two of them leaving the night on a somewhat less acrimonious note than they’d started it. but once i could name how this part of the story was working, i decided to give them that moment that might come before a hook-up, and to give eliot a real consciousness of that moment, partly because quentin had spent so much of the fic impassive and angry and unreachable that i decided it was more dramatically interesting if by this point we got to see him waver a bit, but mostly so that it could be a moment where eliot is presented with a choice, and chooses the selfless, protective, caring option, because he loves quentin more than he wants him. i liked that in a story where a big dramatic love confession goes over poorly, the most romantic moment to me is eliot not kissing quentin (i may or may not have spent a lot of time deliberately remembering & channeling things that may or may not have happened over thanksgiving break my freshman year of college)... and while i don’t think he’s conscious of this at all, i think living through that decision allows him to start overwriting, a little bit, the story of himself in his head. like he gets a do-over on his past and does it better this time, because he’s better now, even if “better” doesn’t look like what he would have assumed, and that kind of opens up for him the potential for forward movement. (and quentin, i think somewhat more consciously, also recognizes the moment for what it is, which is part of what opens him back up to accepting the love he has for eliot — the moment of wanting to just give in, but also seeing eliot make a choice that comes from the best parts of him.)

[latestageyouth]

 So, I’ve been playing around with the concept of unsymph!Patton fusions for a while now, and finally got the guts to upload it here, so...I want you to meet Foivos!

edit: I made a mistake! It’s Foivos not Fovios! Please ignore that!

So, Foivos is pretty obviously a royality fusion, although Patton is the one in charge here. I couldn’t fit everything onto the image so down below is more info on him:

Backstory:

He first fused when Thomas and the sides were 12 and started out as more of a protector, helping the sides cope with their fears and insecurities, while also protecting Thomas from any bullying or bad stuff. Though, as Thomas grew older, Fovios started being more interested in himself, growing more and more insecure every time he fused and being stricter and more invested in becoming someone who has no flaws, someone who is perfect and who everyone admires and looks up to. In doing so, he instead destroyed his friendships with the other sides and even Thomas, who never really stopped liking him but grew weary of him and his actions. He eventually not only aimed to be perfect himself but started pointing out other’s flaws and attempted to “fix” them, in his own twisted way. As Roman grew older, he started to adopt the same thinking as Foivos, letting his insecurities take over and getting more defensive to hide it. He didn’t want to fuse with Patton anymore, no matter how addictive it was to be Foivos. He can’t say he never fused with him again, though, when Patton did convince him that “it will be better this time” and “Foivos will be himself again”...Now that Roman thinks about it, maybe Foivos didn’t get his fascination with perfection just from Roman...

Relationships:

Logan - he used to get along with Foivos, who helped him cope with his emotions and sometimes would even assist him with his experiments. Although he would never admit it, he did see Foivos as a sort of father figure. Did. After he started to grow older, grow more distant, more...morally strict? He didn’t talk to Logan about emotions anymore, instead telling Logan that he didn’t have emotions, or that he should get over himself, doesn’t he see how much more Fivos feels on regular basis? Instead of assisting him, he criticized his experiments, and so did Logan with Foivos’ obsession with perfection. The two got into more and more fight as they got older and eventually Logan would lock himself in his room whenever Foivos fused again.

Virgil - Starting out as a huge comfort for Virgil, even when he was a dark side, the two were close, almost always by each other’s side, discussing coping mechanisms, watching Disney or just relaxing in comfortable silence. Foivos helped Virgil with his panic attacks more often than any other side, sometimes fusing just to help him. Soon after Foivos started to grow obsessed, even before it raised any suspicion, red flags were going off in Virgil’s mind whenever he saw him. He quickly, but still painfully, distanced himself from the other, watching from afar as one of his dearest friends grew more obsessed and morally strict, eventually seeing Virgil as a villain who just used him for his gain, corrupting him. Virgil tried to talk him to his senses many times, but Foivos dismissed him, either shutting him down entirely or offering to make Virgil perfect with him. Couldn’t Foivos see? He was already perfect to Virgil a long time before it became his life goal.

Deceit - The two got along just swell, Deceit being self-preservation and Foivos being the literal protector of the sides. Sure, their opinions sometimes clashed, but they would always find a compromise that would make Thomas happy. Deceit couldn’t help but start slowly but surely falling for Foivos, spending more time with him just for fun than just for Thomas’s happiness and gain. They always say that love is blind, I guess that’s one of the few that is true. Deceit didn’t see, or rather, didn’t want to see Foivos’ new obsession with being perfect and pure, going as far as changing himself so that he would love him more. It wasn’t until...the Remus accident that Deceit finally snapped out of his fantasies and for once, was thankful for hearing the truth.

Thomas - You could say Foivos was a mentor of sorts to Thomas, encouraging him to follow his dreams, to show that poem to the teacher, to give that flower to that boy. Foivos made him certain he was a good person...but not so much as he grew older. Foivos always told him that no one’s perfect, so why is he himself chasing after perfection? He always told Thomas to be the best he can be, so why is he so mean to others? It didn’t sit right with Thomas. Rather than to listen to Foivos, his dreams and morals combined, he instead chose to listen to something much more reliable at the time, anxiety. 

Remus - Remus never liked Foivos. Maybe Roman forgot, but Patton was the reason they split in the first place, he should be fusing with him instead! He got the feeling that Foivos never liked him anyway, so that’s a win-win, right? Foivos didn’t have to be nice to him, and Remus...could be Remus. He wasn’t really surprised when Foivos began to be what he is now, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Foivos was partly his brother, after all, of course it hurt. Of course Remus tried to do something about it, in his own Remus way, only to cause Foivos to snap. For the first time in his entire being, Foivos lost it, cursing Remus out, yelling at him and even going as far as to raise a hand on him, if it wasn’t for Virgil and Deceit stepping in between them.

...wooow okay so that was a lot. I, uh, hope you enjoyed hearing about my boy. Feel free to ask me about him or stuff, I just really wanted to get this idea out there, since I worked so hard on it. So yeah, that was Foivos, let me know if you want more U!Patton fusions, I will gladly make them!

[comicteaparty]

February 8th-February 14th, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from February 8th, 2020 to February 14th, 2020.  The chat focused on the following question: 

Which of your characters is most like you, and how does the similarity affect how you write them?

Nutty (Court of Roses)

Every one of my main characters in Court of Roses https://courtofroses.spiderforest.com/ has a little piece of me, but Merlow takes a big chunk of me, and/or the person I try to be, in his character. I tend to feel for him a lot and get deep into his emotional highs and lows.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

In Whispers of the Past (https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/whispers-of-the-past/list?title_no=191366), I am actually most similar to my villain, Ryukou, which.... is a bit concerning and also oddly cathartic at the same time. Ryukou, like me, is book smart rather than street smart, just an absolute nerd. He obsesses over details and frequently gets lost in his work (often as a detriment to his health, forgetting to eat and sleep and such). He is a severe overthinker about pretty much everything, and he bottles his emotions inside. He is also asexual and generally has a hard time showing affection. This is to the point where when he finds someone he really cares about, losing them is like losing the one friend he ever had. Pretty much all of these traits are directly inspired by me, which leaves behind an interesting feeling, because even through all of his evil acts, his horrible deeds and unforgivable sins... I still want to redeem him. I don't want to call him "evil," because to do so feels like accepting myself as evil. So I do a lot of labeling him as "troubled" instead of "evil."

Mei

People say that I'm a lot like my character Bruce but with a spattering of Kenneth's sardonic nature. I feel as if I just split myself in two to write them! My friends do joke about Kenneth being the vent for all my frustrations, and honestly... they are not wrong... I do think a lot of my characters have a bit of me in them. Whether it's the sense of humour or the sass, I think it's just a part of the writing process for me. That being said... I love all my lil characters beans and I cherish them and I just want the best for them, even if I sometimes write them into terrible situations... what can I say, I am a terrible parent to my lil characters

DanitheCarutor

Both my main characters have a little bit of me in them. Apollo has some of my music interests, which is old country and 70's - 80's stuff, mostly rock. Julian, even though their interests and general personality are being overshadowed by their mental state right now, they like science and reading. Although their interests aren't exactly like mine, I like geology as well as biological sciences like medical science and zoology, while Julian enjoys biological plant sciences like botany and horticulture. They're not really THAT similar, but I guess I consider them so since it's all nerdy science bs. I do have more than just interests, but I'll put those behind a spoiler since they're generally sensitive topics and also really personal: SPOILER Since my comic is a vent comic, I use my characters are tools to explore my own issues, and see them from a different perspective. I filter a lot of my mental issues through Julian, which is stuff like long-term suicidal depression and self-hate. Not gonna lie, I've been living with urges to die since I was 11, and have been feeling like crap for longer than that. Apollo is loosely in a position of a kid seeing a parent in an abusive relationship, having that feeling of being powerless and not knowing what to do, although he doesn't take notice of the situation till the end of chapter 5/beginning of chapter 6. (Although it can also extend to the friend or non-child relative, 3rd party type affected by the situation. I've been in that position as well...) Also later on living with a person who has PTSD and other serious psychological issues. Being a person who was raised by a parent with PTSD and anxiety due to an abusive ex-husband, it quite an experience, especially since neither of us were educated in the slightest on mental health. (I was a child, so you know, I didn't really know better.) In my teens she married a guy who was all emotional abuse, so that's where the "helpless kid" stuff comes from.(edited) END SPOILER

DanitheCarutor

Even though people who know me who've seen the comic think it's a bad idea, working on it actually been super cathartic. It puts to paper emotions and experiences that I have a lot of trouble putting into words, while also letting me see "myself" from a different perspective. Also with how dedicated I've been to researching for this comic I have explored a lot of the good sides to mental health, good coping mechanisms, and general self-care. Which later on becomes the main focus in the story. So my comic has been really nice for me. You can say I'm personally invested in seeing it through till the end.

Lol you know, the more I post on the more I feel like I just make everything uncomfortable. Uh, just kick me from the server if you all feel like I'm ruining the mood, I'll totally understand! xD

keii4ii

It's totally fine as far as I'm concerned! I just hope you're not feeling too uncomfortable

DanitheCarutor

I see stuff like this as me just using myself as an explanation or example for the nature of my comic, the focus isn't really on me specifically so it feels less awkward. It feels more technical and less personal, even though the subject matter is super personal... if that makes any sense.(edited)

So yeah, I'm good!

DanitheCarutor

Er, better explanation: It's easier to talk about personal stuff when it's for my comic than when it's for me. Sorry, my wording was bothering me.

kayotics

I mean, you're not the only one to use comics or characters as a way to deal with things emotionally. I've absolutely done that before. Both Toivo and Rosemary in Ingress Adventuring Company (https://www.ingress-comic.com/) are inspired a lot from me and my own experiences. Rosemary is modeled after me as a teenager: irritable, a know it all, annoyed, and then has a single parent who she has a very hard time relating to because of how different emotionally they are. Toivo is inspired in a different way. He has traits that I wish I had (like emotional vulnerability and cheerfulness), and faces problems that were inspired by events in my life. both of them seem to actually share a lot of the flaws that I have, just manifested in different ways.

DanitheCarutor

Pff I mean making people uncomfortable by going into detail about it. Usually I'm more vague, or don't bring up personal stuff, but it's behind a spoiler so eh.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. The nature of the question itself is to be personal, considering we're talking about how similar we are to our characters.

I have similarities to one of my other characters as well, but I decided not to talk about it because I'm still working through my issues atm The fact that you're able to talk about these sensitive topics means that you've made a lot of progress.

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

I personally put bits of myself into my characters deliberately, because it makes it easier to write them in a way that feels authentic to my own experience and feelings (the only first hand references I have for reality)

DanitheCarutor

@Cronaj (Whispers of the Past) It helps a lot that my previous job had an on-site Psychologist who I used to talk to. Before she moved out of state she helped me through a board interview, and got me in the mindset to be open about discussing mental health issues. Although I don't usually talk about my own issues since most of them are self-diagnosed, and saying I have that stuff for sure doesn't feel right, when the Psychologist was around we really only got around to diagnosing and tackling my social anxiety.

It's funny because a lot of our discussions were me asking her about the nature of her work, along with experiences she had with patients since therapy and stuff like that is a large part of the later part of my comic.

But back on topic, poor Julian gets the brunt of my issues, poor thing! Poor comic characters, they deal with so much shit. Lmao!

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Indeed they do.

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

It's not well-hidden that Phantomarine's (http://www.phantomarine.com/) main character Phaedra is extremely similar to me But over time, she's become less of a carbon copy, and more of a critique/exploration of myself when I was younger. Partly just because the comic has gone on for almost five years now - she's remained locked in time, while I've gained clearer hindsight as to who I was at 19. At my best, I was caring, empathetic, hard-working, and thoughtful - at my worst, I was stubborn, stiff, quick to judge, slow to change, and mightily self-righteous. But when some bad life events happened, I was forced to mature in unexpected ways. I wanted to channel that same energy for Phaedra. She's strong in her convictions - but maybe a bit too strong.

Her journey doesn't involve a total invalidation of her convictions, but more of a broadening. Someone inflexible becoming more willing to question her beliefs in the event of new knowledge. Especially with the threat of death/erasure on the line. It's my greatest critique of my younger self - not something I outright hate in retrospect, but something I needed to work on. Phaedra both annoys me and stirs up great pity in me. I think that's a healthy and relatable combination for a teenager/young-adult.

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

In terms of, like, her backstory, and how her life unfolds in general, Mizuki is basically nothing like me. But in terms of dialogue... Mizuki talks exactly how I talk in real life.

Tuyetnhi

a lot of folks asked me if Cara is a self-insert when I explicitly states she's kind of an experience between me and my mom's relationship with each other. Though she has some personality from me, that's the same goes with everyone else I create for my comics or written stories.

idk it might just an inherent thing I recognize

twothirty

Like most people have mentioned all my characters in Verse (http://versecomic.com/) have parts of me in them, it's the only way i can write them in a believable way. But if i had to pick just 1, it's definitely Fife. Just 100% anxiety, a constant inner dialogue of self-doubt, and my own nervous tics like playing with hair and picking at nails. It makes writing how he handles problems kind of weird, because I get a bit too much in my own head with it.

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I can relate with all my characters in some way and definitely throw some of my own culture and experiences in mental illness into them. I feel like I'm able to write those things in better and make them feel more natural because I know what it's really like and how I would be responding to a situation. There's also one character I'm about to introduce (in an update for tomorrow or Monday) who's kind of like how I was as a child.

Capitania do Azar

I feel like I'm just going to repeat a lot of the replies I see here by saying I sprinkled a lot of traits and issues through the characters so I can see them interact and figure things out I don't think there's one of them that gets more than the others though. And it's usually really small things here and there, nothing too big because that would ruin the purpose of trying to have my characters being their own persons

Tuyetnhi

yep, i agree on that

renieplayerone

same here, I kinda spread out between a bunch of different characters. I really wanted to be deliberate in not having a self-insert character while still being able to talk about things I've experienced. I think for me what helped was figuring out what werent things I related to about these characters and went out and talked to people who did have that experience

DanitheCarutor

I dunno, I think it's all in what kind of people... creatures you make your characters. Like, I only have the two and really give Julian the majority of my personal stuff, to where they can superficially be a carbon copy of myself. Although overall their background, personality and how they deal with issues are different. You can put a lot of yourself into one character but it's all in how you have them handle those traits, coupled with what kind of personality they have, and where they come from that makes them their own person, so to speak. People are complicated, you can put a group who share the same interests through the same scenario, and how they react or what they take away from that experience will always be a little different.

Urg, sorry if I'm coming off rude, or stating the obvious!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

You know, I was thinking, "none of my characters are like me," but then @snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights) 's comment made me remember that, wait, they do sort of talk like me. I don't really like it. Especially when I catch them using words that I use too often, like "just" and "actually." It doesn't help that my friends have said that I have a very "particular way of speaking," whatever that means. How do you guys prevent that kind of thing? Obviously my natural instinct when writing dialogue is to write in my own voice. It feels unnatural to go against that.

keii4ii

One tool you can use is to model a character after someone else. This doesn't really show in my comic, as it's in English only these days, but the characters canonically talk in Korean most of the time. The MC is not fluent in Korean. I modeled his speech after two Korean-American dudes I know IRL, who are not fluent in the language. He doesn't talk exactly like them, as they have very different personalities, but knowing the exact level of brokenness (as in broken Korean) helped a lot back when I was writing the comic in Korean.

Tuyetnhi

I sometimes caught that too with my characters. I try to think of the type of vocabulary they'll use to speak. also what keii said too. I have a handful of characters based on people I knew, and experiences I had in the past as well.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Luckily, my my comic takes place in a much "older" setting, so none of my characters really speak like me. The language is so dated at times that you would have a hard time comparing it to my style of talking at all. Actually.... I do have ONE character who speaks like me. But he's also a 4th wall breaker.

Tuyetnhi

we love characters like that lol

carcarchu

My verbal ticks definitely slip into my characters's dialogue but some of my characters have super wacky speech styles such as the character who only speaks in haiku and the one that only talks in kaomojis so that helps to differentiate them

Deo101 [Millennium]

I give everyone an accent and then just by trying to read it in that accent it kind of loses my voice in that process

DanitheCarutor

To add onto what Keii said, depending on the language, the person who isn't a native speaker may also speak more formally. I used to work in a squadron with a bunch of Dutch pilots, and while their English was exceptional, some of them never used word shortcuts like 'they're' or 'you're' but would instead say 'they are' or 'you are'. Their English was very proper compared to people who were native to the language. You can also base a character's speech off their education level. Like a person who isn't well versed in their grammar, or has a limited vocabulary is going to have related issues while speaking. You can also akin this to how they were raised, if their parents had a specific speech pattern, or they grew up in an area where everyone spoke a certain way they might as well. They might also use different words, such as when I lived in Ohio for a bit I noticed how most people referred to soda as pop, and said words like creek (crick) or pond. As opposed to where I grew up, Arizona, where I rarely heard those specific words being used. Especially creek and pond since we don't have an abundance of natural bodies of water, we usually call everything rivers or lakes regardless of size.(edited)

Uh, to answer more directly. I usually figure in the character's education level, upbringing, and location. For example one of my MCs is a hardcore hick, and doesn't like reading or learning in general, so his speech is very simple and not always grammatically correct. As opposed to my other MC who isn't a native English speaker but put a lot of effort into learning the language, is a very technical person, and worked really hard to hide their accent. Even though they do use shortcuts, their speech is more proper and they use a larger vocabulary because they like reading. They also cuss a hell of a lot more than the other MC because they're extremely salty.(edited)

kayotics

Getting a character's voice right is really hard, honestly. What I have to do when writing dialogue is ask myself "Is this in the character's voice?" dialogue is my favorite thing to write, but it's hard to remember to keep in a specific voice. Sometimes i go back a few times in the dialogue to tweak it so there's the right words being used, and the right sentence structure. It's always a battle between how to say something in the most concise way on the page, but still keeping in the right character voice. Like Dani above me said, there's a lot that goes into figuring out a voice, like education level and upbringing and localisms. I just ask myself "ok, how does this character speak? He feels like he's dumb and he wants to make himself sound smart, so he might use words that are too big here" Eventually with each character I figure out what they're like, but for side characters I try to pick a quirk so they don't all mesh together.

DanitheCarutor

@kayotics Aah! The best thing is when that dumb character uses the wrong big words. "Ah yes sir, I love your work! Your brush strokes are very circumlocution."

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

See, I have a dumb character who knows he's dumb, so he just doesn't talk if he thinks he doesn't know what he's talking about

Which is quite often

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I have a very specific tone I use in my comic & I honestly find it harder to avoid slipping into that tone when writing normal stuff than slipping into my own voice writing the comic

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

you do have a very specific tone, sssfrs. Big part of why I read your comic(edited)

I like and agree with kayotics and dani's advice to try to put myself in the character's mind.

Problem is, most of my main characters have similar education levels and grew up in the same place. I mean, there's a reason they're friends.

But that's kind of an excuse, now that I think about it. I've never met two real people with the same voice, even if they're superficially similar. It's probably just a matter of effort differentiating fictional characters.(edited)

Capitania do Azar

How dialog is structured is a great way to show the relationship between the different interacting characters I have two characters who are interested in each other but don't know each other very well and are constantly tiptoeing between using closer pronouns and first names or going back to formal speech and last names/ranks when they feel they're not getting their way. Similarly, a character may speak only in very short, concise sentences to one and be more expressive and take up more words with another. And don't get me started in the weight of silence

AntiBunny

I originally said Hannibal is the most like me in http://AntiBunny.net/ but he and I have grown in different ways since the comic began. Though much of the main cast has bits and pieces of my personality.

sagaholmgaard

I feel like I'm the most like Styrka, mind-wise. I gave her all my anxieties and she's the way I feel like I'd act if I weren't also lucky enough to be in a very positive place in my life, lol. She's the easiest for me to write at least, because I feel like I have the best understanding of her mind out of all the characters. (Behavior-wise, though, I'm more like Albus. I try to be positive if I can!) https://tapas.io/series/_Reclaim_