Physiotherapy - a wolfstar short fic
~ 800 words
TW: self-hate
"Get up and do your physiotherapy, Moony!"
"I don't want to." Remus sinks an inch deeper down into his pillow without looking up from his book.
"Madam Pomfrey says it's important."
"But it's boring."
"You can come work out with me?"
Remus sits up.
"Yeah? And pull my stupid rubber bands while you work out for real? Not embarrassing at all."
"Your body is just different than mine, that’s all."
"No shit." He rolls his eyes.
"You know I didn't mean like that. There's nothing wrong with your body."
"That's exactly what it is, something wrong with my body!"
Sirius sighs and sits down on his bed, straight across from Remus.
"There's no winning this one, is there?"
"No!"
"Babe? Are you crying?"
"Don't look at me!"
"Oh, babe, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to... I'm so sorry."
Despite Remus' weak attempts to push Sirius away, he sits as close to the distressed boy as he can, wrapping him tight in his arms. It doesn't take long before Remus hugs him back and cries against his shoulder.
"Me and my stupid mouth", Sirius continues, still not entirely sure what he said wrong, but well aware this is a sensitive topic. "I love you."
"I love you, too. I don't deserve you. Sorry, I'm such a mess." Remus mumbles against his shoulder.
"Don't say that. I love you. I love your body. I love every scar."
Remus lifts his head and looks at him, smiling a little through the tears.
"I know you do. However vain I might be, that’s not it, really."
Sirius almost bites his tongue not to ask more, he just holds Remus tight, plays a little with his hair and waits for him to catch his breath, and collects his thoughts.
After a big shaky inhale, it comes. "Most werewolves don't live to be older than fifty. And as crippled as I feel now, what if I won't even be able to walk? And the pain, and... Almost every month it's something new. If it's not the back, it's a shoulder, or a hip, or a knee... I just don't want to think about it. As if I don't think about it all the time anyway. And then I have to add to that, once a day, and intentionally do something with my body that reminds me just how much I hate it?"
Sirius is quiet. He gets that, in a way.
"You hate your body?"
Remus shrugs. "I guess. I mean - intellectually: of course not. I like to live and breathe and whatnot. I just wish I'd have to think about it as little as possible."
"So, you, like, hate the experience of your body?"
Remus nods thoughtfully. "Yeah."
Sirius strokes Remus back, in quiet thoughts again.
"I think I have another sort of practice for you. No, hear me out! I think you really need to practice experiencing your body without hating it. How about once a day you should have a pleasurable experience with your body?"
Remis smirks and raises an eyebrow in a way that Sirius immediately catches on to.
"No! Well, yes, it can be that. But it can be anything: Taking a bath and, you know, trying to feel the water with your entire body. Eating something good and trying to taste all the flavors. Dancing and, ok, no, you hate dancing. But you get the idea?"
"Yeah."
"Could you give it a try?"
Remus winces a little.
"Please? I don't want you to hate your body forever."
Remus scoffs, but eventually smiles. "Ok. Sure."
“Ready to start right now?”
“Give me a minute to get in the mood and I’ll be ready”, he half-jokes and wipes his face.
“You’re hopeless. Going for the advanced stuff first ting.” Sirius half jokes back, “No, really. I mean this. Just lay down and let me kiss you, ok?”
His eyes search Sirius' face for sincerity, then nods once. “Ok. And I'll try to focus on the experience of being in my body while.”
Remus lays down and closes his eyes. Sirius sits beside him, leans in, and plants a kiss on his lips. A kiss on his chin. A row of kisses on his collarbone. He strokes his arm through the shirt. Kisses the back of his hand, then all the fingers one by one. In a way, it’s not very romantic. Remus is fully clothed and motionless. Sirius is gentle more than passionate. But in a way, it’s perfectly intimate, how Remus lays trusting and unguarded before him with heavy breaths.
When Remus' whole body is peppered in kisses and tender strokes Sirius draws back up only to see tears on Remus' cheeks again.
“You’re crying?”
“In a good way”, Remus responds and waits another moment before opening his eyes. “I think you’re right. I need this.”
“Then I’ll do it every day.”
19 notes
·
View notes
probably time for this story i guess but when i was a kid there was a summer that my brother was really into making smoothies and milkshakes. part of this was that we didn't have AC and couldn't afford to run fans all day so it was kind of important to get good at making Cool Down Concoctions.
we also had a patch of mint, and he had two impressionable little sisters who had the attitude of "fuck it, might as well."
at one point, for fun, this 16 year old boy with a dream in his eye and scientific fervor in heart just wanted to see how far one could push the idea of "vanilla mint smoothie". how much vanilla extract and how much mint can go into a blender before it truly is inedible.
the answer is 3 cups of vanilla extract, 1/2 cup milk alternative, and about 50 sprigs (not leaves, whole spring) of mint. add ice and the courage of a child. idk, it was summer and we were bored.
the word i would use to describe the feeling of drinking it would maybe be "violent" or perhaps, like. "triangular." my nose felt pristine. inhaling following the first sip was like trying to sculpt a new face. i was ensconced in a mesh of horror. it was something beyond taste. for years after, i assumed those commercials that said "this is how it feels to chew five gum" were referencing the exact experience of this singular viscous smoothie.
what's worse is that we knew our mother would hate that we wasted so much vanilla extract. so we had to make it worth it. we had to actually finish the drink. it wasn't "wasting" it if we actually drank it, right? we huddled around outside in the blistering sun, gagging and passing around a single green potion, shivering with disgust. each sip was transcendent, but in a sort of non-euclidean way. i think this is where i lost my binary gender. it eroded certain parts of me in an acidic gut ecology collapse.
here's the thing about love and trust: the next day my brother made a different shake, and i drank it without complaint. it's been like 15 years. he's now a genuinely skilled cook. sometimes one of the three of us will fuck up in the kitchen or find something horrible or make a terrible smoothie mistake and then we pass it to each other, single potion bottle, and we say try it it's delicious. it always smells disgusting. and then, cerimonious, we drink it together. because that's what family does.
52K notes
·
View notes