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linkspooky · 2 years

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BSD VS LITERATURE: NO LONGER HUMAN

The second entry in my long running series to analyze every single book referenced in Bungou Stray Dogs, to try piece together the author’s intended meaning in referencing the work.

Osamu Dazai’s ability name comes from the author’s final novel “No Longer Human”, you may have heard of it. The novel contains several events from the author’s real life, but is considered semi-autobiographical because it depicts the life of a fictional character “Yozo” who much like the real life author attempted suicide a total of five times in his life before utlimately succeeding. Many believe the book to be his will as Dazai killed himself shortly after the last part of the book was published. As for the connection to the fictional character, more under the cut.

1. Disqualified from Being Human

Dazai as a character borrows several traits from Yozo the protagonist of the novel. He has the same habit of clowning and engaging others in a false persona, while it happens mostly offscreen the audience and Dazai’s coworkers are aware of the fact he regularly indulges himself in vices like drinking, having illicit relationships with women (its often referenced he has a long line of exes and women he’s left upset over him) and that he’s also constantly in debt.

Deeper than those surface level traits though, Dazai shares the same motivation as Yozo for his antics. They are both people who feel utterly alienated from the people around them, unable to connect with their thoughts and feelings and because of that they resort to always engaging them in a false, and comedic facade. They are fundamentally uncomfortable with ever presenting their true selves around others.

As a child I had absolutely no notion of what others, even members of my own family, might be suffering from or what they were thinking. I was aware of my own unspeakable fears and embarrassments. Before anyone realized it, I had become an accomplished clown, a child who never spoke a single word. No Longer Human.

Dazai is described as a child in the same way by Oda, who is arguably the character who knows him best. Even with Oda though, and the rest of the Buraiha trio as a whole though they were friends it carries the tragedy that they never were truly honest with one another, Oda never overstepped the clear boundaries between him and Dazai, Ango never let either of them into the secret that he was a government spy all along. Even that friendship which Dazai found comfortable, and was so significant to him he changed his entire life’s past around Oda’s dying words, he still placed an uncilimbable wall between the two of them.

“I thought you were similiar to Dazai at first, rushing into battle and wishing for death without even considering the value of your own life. But he’s different. He’s sharp witted, with a mind like a steel trap. And he’s just a child - a sobbing child abandoned in the darkness of a world far emptier than the one we’re seeing.”

He was too smart for his own good. That was why he was always alone. The reason why Ango and I were unable to be by his side was that we understood the solitude that surrounded him, and we never stepped inside no matter how close we stood.

But in that moment I kind of regretted not stepping in and invading that solitude. Bungo Stray Dogs, Volume 2.

There’s a supposed difference in Yozo, who is a drunken layabout constantly in debt who fails out of college and Dazai the super genius who is apparently one of the smartest members of the cast, but honestly if you peel back the layers of Dazai’s “Superhuman / Godlike Genius” status his and Yozo’s behaviors and treatment of other people is actually pretty similar.

Here is the secret of No Longer Human that a lot of readers miss in their interpretation. While Yozo can be a sympathetic character, because he’s genuinely miserable in his life, and the way he tells his story is highly relatable to the unhappiness of many readers, Yozo sucks.

If you look at his actions outside of his self-pitying narration, Yozo is a serial manipulator of people, especially those with a status weaker than him in society (women, and even chidlren) he strings them along often taking money from them until he abandons them. Yozo is considered to be so pretty and likable, people often relate to his misery and give him what he wants without him giving anything in return.

There’s four major women he interacts with in the novel. A married women he gets to pay for his drinks a couple of times, doesn’t see for months, and then commits suicide with her. His reaction to her death is very minimal and he doesn’t even seem to mourn her. Then, he becomes a kept man for a woman with a child for awhile gets her to pay for his drinking habit, has multiple affairs on her while living at their house (or at least it’s implied).He also comes to view the child as an enemy of his.

“I would like my real Daddy back.” I felt dizzy with shock. An enemy. Was I Shigeko’s enemy, or was she mine?

No Longer Human.

He abandons them. (Surprise, surprise). Then moves on to marry a seventeen year old girl, specifically because she is a virgin. I probably don’t have to mention the predatory subtext there.

Yoshiko’s pale face was smiling as she sat there inside the dimly lit shop. What a holy thing uncorrupted virginity is, I thought. I had never slept with a virgin, a girl younger than myself. I’d marry her. [...] I made up my mind on the spot: it was a then-and-there decision, and I did not hesitate to steal the flower. No Longer Human.

That wife then gets raped and not only does Yozo feel little to no sympathy for her whatsoever, he then proceeds to just leave and abandon her because his image of her as a perfect image is ruined. He even refers to her as a possession he lost far earlier on in the novel.

Once in a while, it is true I have experienced a vague sense of regret at losing something, but never strongly enough to affirm positively, or to contest with others my rights of possession. This was so true of me that some years later, I even watched in silence when my own wife was violated. No Longer Human.

The last woman he gets involved with only because he has a morphine addiction and he wants to string her along so she can keep supplying him with morphine. If you strip away the thin veneer of Dazai as a master manipulator and superhuman genius, you are just left with his actions which include his constant manipulation of other people (children younger and more vulnerable than him) and even his own allies. He is a user, much in the same way Yozo is. This is just named characters, it’s implied offscreen that Dazai has Yozo’s same habit of burning through relationships and women like jet fuel.

Of course, there is a tragic reason for Yozo’s behavior it is implied he was violated by a female servant as a child, but that further adds onto the underlying point of the novel that Yozo’s genuinely miserable but he’s also the architect of his own misery. He is a victim who basically continues the cycle of abuse. His two primary methods of interacting with people is either manipulating them / stringing them along, or abandoning them. Even the Dazai who works at the agency keeps Akutagawa his biggest victim wearing the coat that Mori Gave him that represents the cycle of abuse just... wrapped around his little finger because it’s more convenient to use and dispose of him that way.

Akutagawa’s so insanely devoted to Dazai that he believes being abandoned was just a secret little test and if he performs well than he’ll finally get the carrot that Dazai has been dangling in front of his head for a long time. Dazai’s treatment of Akutagawa as someone to just conveniently use and then dispose of is something that leads to Akutagawa getting himself killed trying to earn that praise.

Dazai and Yozo have a similiar problem where they are pitiable in the fact they are victims themselves, they have been used in the past and it’s left them feeling alienated and unable to connect with others, but then they jump right into treating others as less than human too. Dazai has this strange paradox where he scolds Dostoevsky for believing in god and seeing himself as an agent of god or some kind of omniscient manipulator and that the real people who make a difference in the world are the people living in the world and struggling in it but Dazai... still doesn’t see himself as one of those people. Dazai’s like “You shouldn’t manipulate people like pieces on a gameboard...” but Dazai still views himself as one of the players sitting and watching things from on high rather than one of the pieces.

Dazai and Yozo are incapable of seeing themselves as human beings and eternally feel like outsiders when they try to be around others. However, at the same time they give no respect to the humanity or the feelings of other people. They don’t treat others like humans. Which is why they are essentially the architects of their own misery, they are alone because they choose continually over and over to either only engage in other people with lives, or treat relationships as transactional. These flaws of Dazai’s have been toned down since the dark age, but even Detective Agency Dazai still has this habit of looking down on other people. He has good intentions he tries to live by, but also in crisis situations tends to fall back on old habits.

2. Lover’s Suicide

Finally, there’s two relationships in the book that parallels Dazai’s two most significant relationships in the story. The tragedy of Oda in the dark era, actually mirrors what was Yozo’s most significant suicide attempt in the book. Yozo runs out of money and on a whim attempts to commit suicide with a married woman who had been more or less a longtime but distant acquiantance.

We threw ourselves into the sea at Kamakura that night. She untied her sash saying she had borrowed it from a friend at the cafe, and left it folded neatly on a rock. I removed my coat and put it in the same spot. We entered the water together.

She died. I was saved. No Longer Human.

This event mirrors the defining tragedy of Dazai’s backstory as depicted in the second light novel, and his reason for leaving the mafia. Essentially, Dazai finally becomes close to someone his longtime acquaintance Oda, who unlike him has a reason to live in raising children and dreaming of one day becoming an author. However, by the end of the novel it’s Oda who commits suicide and Dazai who lives.

“You’re such an idiot, Odasaku. The biggest idiot I know.” “Yeah.” “You didn’t have to do this. You didn’t have to die.” “I know.”

Bungo Stray Dogs, Vol. 2

If you want to sprinkle in an additional homosexual subtext what Oda basically does is commit a lover’s suicide with someone else, by choosing to die with Gide. Which means that not only does Dazai survive while Oda dies, but Oda chose to commit a lover’s suicide with someone other than him.

Then there is Yozo’s acquiantance to longtime friend Horiki. HOriki is his only real significant friend in the novel, but Yozo absolutely despises him. Nothing healthy ever comes from their relationship, he gets Yozo addicted on cigarettes and alcohol, he drags him to secret communist meetings, however Yozo who frequently just abandons people never really gets rid of him.

Horiki and myself. Despising each other as we did, we were constantly together, thereby degrading ourselves. If that is what the world calls friendship, the relationships between Horiki and myself were undoutably those of friendship. No Longer Human.

The reason being that Yozo despite loathing Horiki senses that the two of them are alike in nature. There’s also something to be said about Yozo getting along more naturally with someone he hates, rather than the people in his life who constantly attempt to love him.

Horiki and myself. Though outwardly he appeared to be a human being like the rest, I sometimes felt he was exactly like myself. No Longer Human.

His relationship with Horiki reflects both the partnership of the double black duo, two individuals who loathe each other but had near perfect cooperation in their teamwork but also the foiling between Chuuya and Dazai. They are both people who do not view themselves as human, Chuuya because of the mystery of his origins as the host of Arahabaki and Dazai because his intelligence leaves him feelings isolated from the world.

He looked up in the direction of the sudden voice. It was a familiar voice, one that belonged to the person he hated most in this world.

Your birth itself was a mistake. We’re the same. Is there a really a point to suffering through all that pain for a life that isn’t real?”

The voice was taunting him.

[...]

“Screw you Dazi.”

Chuuya wanted nothing more than to slice off the ear the voice was whispering right into. He could see Dazai’s wavering shadow by his side, and he wanted to gauge out his eyes.

“That’s just proof that you at least somewhat believe what I’m saying. Because deep down inside you’re the same as me.”

Like, they hate each other, but they hate each other for the real person they are deep down on the inside. Which results in him and Chuuya having an entirely antagonistic relationship and yet at the same time Chuuya is the one person that Dazai can’t really bullshit or lie to, because sharing so much in common gives Chuuya some insight into Dazai’s darker tendencies.

Which results in a relationship where neither of them like each other, and yet both of them are just a little bit obsessed with each other. Despising each other and constantly together.

So in summary, No Longer Human is a work about a character’s difficulty to form relationships with others because not only do they not see themselves as human they also treat the others around them as lesser than humans. Yozo is a character clearly stuck in that cycle of abuse, whereas Dazai Osamu himself is someone struggling in the story to break that cycle and curb his own manipulative tendencies inside of himself, ironically because of the close relatonship he had formed with the one person he was ever even a little bit honest with Odasaku.

#dazai osamu #bsd meta #bungou stray dogs #no longer human #bungou stray dogs meta #bsd dazai #chuuya nakahara #Oda Sakunosuke #japanese literature #dazai meta

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woneuntonzz · 7 months

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competitive academic rival!eunseok x overachiever, afab!reader

“ started with a spark,¹ now we're on fire.² ” ; (2/2)

warning/s: cussing, violent thoughts

content: songfic, enemies to lovers, academic rivals, fluff, incy-wincy bit of angst, very lovey-dovey i'm actually attached, mention of other idol names for world building !!

wc: 7.4k!!

⋆⭒°｡⋆ i feel like we've made it pretty far, now we're stargazing ☄️ ; inspired by The Neighbourhood's Stargazing 🎶

It was a joke when Yunjin said Eunseok might take her place as your one and only best friend, but you figured there might be a slight truth to it. It wasn't that you'd dismiss Yunjin entirely, it's just that overtime, one instance of being project partners will become a sort of regimen for the two of you, him trailing behind you, calling out, “Partner, wait up!” as you walk to wherever you're headed.

You would still exchange playful banters —some not sounding very playful at all— and would still contest each other during class recitations, but it was all fair and square, unlike before where it'd be blood, sweat and tears, not in a literal sense of course.

“You should write this part. You're great at expressing your opinion.” This time, you two partnered up for statement writing —that supposedly was for a group of three.

“You really think so?” you tilted your head at him, jestful taunting hinted in your voice.

“Yeah. You're beautiful.”

You knew he wasn't finished speaking, but a part of you wished it had ended there.

“—your narrative I mean. If there's anything I'd like to correct, I'd say you take a little too long to get to the point, but overall your writing is great.” you nod, flailing away the lost hope in your eyes.

It's been three months since you've grown to treat each other like a friend. It was something your past selves would've never foreseen, like a switch had been accidentally turned on.

You wouldn't change a thing, though. Even if everything was only by chance, you wish it would stay till after highschool graduation, or, till all of your senses died out —till you were sure there was no way of seeing or hearing him ever again.

The thought was so unhinged for you at first, but denying is for underdogs, and you were no loser.

Considering the time you've spent with him, a big part of the blame is on him. Well how could you not blame him? when your conversations were at its tamest, he would resort to saying things that made you think more than when your history teacher would throw around riddles for you to figure out what he was trying to teach.

“You really like green? that's kind of gross.” you scoffed at his comment after he'd observe that most of the things you owned were of your favorite color.

You hold up your phone, showing the back of your fern-colored phone case. “It's fern. Maybe you're thinking about a gross shade of green —why does it matter to you anyways?”

“I just thought you'd like a different type of color, like blue.” he slightly shrugged, his eyes wandering to the keychain dangling at your bag's zipper.

“I like blue, but I see it all the time, everywhere, so my eyes are kind of tired of it at this point.” you gave him an innocent smile, one that would soon falter when he replied,

“You see me all the time, I hope you like me too.”

What kind of idiot says that? —you were determined not to emit much of a reaction, you feared it might be too much for the both of you, and that he might be just that friendly with those he considered friends. Of course I like you. —you weren't sure though, if it was only harmless feelings you'd have for a best friend, or if it was this almost electric sensation that made everything else around you fade away from the void of your mind as you isolate yourself with the thought of him.

After two weeks of somewhat careful reflecting, you realized that it was the latter.

He'd accept his feelings around the same time you did, but he most certainly caught it first. He'd tell himself that you never minded his incidental wording, not realizing just how bad he was at reading people. He just wouldn't catch the way your eyes would linger from where they last situated after he spoke because he was too afraid to look at you long enough to catch your reaction.

You were both so convinced that you did such a great job of hiding from each other, but the people around you could say otherwise.

Eunseok would start biting the inside of his cheek when Shotaro told him, “You know what you two remind me of? like a very, painfully slow basketball game.”

“Come again?” his friend laughs at him, poking fun at the confusion plastered on his face.

“She likes you too, I mean, why else would she stick around you and always be your partner?” The idea made him bite into his bottom lip, reminiscing about the way things used to be before the near fallout —the essay incident.

She's a people pleaser —but he couldn't just say that, and he knew you struggled with it too, he just wouldn't figure out why just yet. “She just finds it hard to say no to anyone.”

“Okay, partner.” Shotaro's teasing had him shaking his head.

It was something he wanted to help you with, saying no, taking care of yourself first. You kept giving and giving, it was something he never understood about you when he knew it's normal to be tired, angry, sad, and it's most certainly normal to refuse to save yourself from the anguish.

With you, he chose to be careful. He wanted you to be comfortable with him, to be ready when you finally him why you would always say yes to everyone, why you were so stubborn and so willing to give so much of your time and energy for the benefit of someone else who wouldn't even bat an eye if you got hit by a speeding truck.

It pained him to see you fake your keenness whenever Yuri, Ahra, or some other piece of shit chased after you in the hallway. They'd never directly say it, but they were basically asking you for their grades, all while you had to make sure yours were better than last quarter's results.

If you weren't taking care of yourself, he would, as much as his courage allowed him to.

The end of the school year was just right around the corner, you were busy all month preparing, elections for next year's student council were being held before the end of the year.

Eunseok was already a part of the student council, he was a public information officer, a very recognized one at that, but this time he was running for president.

He wanted you to run alongside him, as his vice president, but you were afraid that it was way beyond your limits. You have been a part of the student council before, the year he transferred in your school, you were a peace officer, but that's the farthest you've gone. You've lost elections the next year, and the current year, you lost the public information officer position to him.

Still, he was able to encourage you to run for secretary. And like he promised —though not verbally— he helped you throughout everything.

“I haven't gotten much sleep last night, sorry for drooling on your sleeve.” you lazily tried to wipe off the wet stain on his forearm that you had accidentally napped on whilst he explained something about initiatives, you couldn't quite recall.

He had actually stopped speaking when he saw the way you tried to fight your drowsiness. He felt bad for almost laughing, but the way your eyelids would shut itself and you forcing them open only to fail seconds later, he thought it was adorable.

“It's okay.” he moved his forearm, it was a signal to tell you to lie your head on it again. “You can rest.”

Your mind was still a bit hazy. You wiped your eyes and you would keep doing so, progressively becoming more forceful until he stopped you by taking ahold of your wrist. “Hey, stop, your eyes will hurt.”

He looked at them. He could almost feel your exhaustion, but even through it he could only see how lovely the color in your eyes were.

“Sorry, I was just up all night doing…” What did you do? oh, right,

“Someone else's work? don't be sorry. Give yourself a break, please.” you would lock eyes with him when he said please, his voice was pure silk, gliding through the very cracks of your soul, it almost made your eyes brim with tears.

The elections would roll around. You two would be inseparable by then, leading people to think you were running for vice president since he was with you more than he was with the actual running vice of your partylist. Even then, if they were being honest, they'd vote for the two of you. The pair of you were like a premium package in the market, two perfectly flawed individuals promoting your ambitions to the whole school.

Your confidence flourished like never before, and the stutter you always had when speaking, you were way past it. You received so much support and encouragement, not only from him, but also from your best friend Yunjin who ran for vice president and other candidates in your partylist.

You were happy with how everything was turning out, and so was he. He was confident you'd get the spot, not even caring any longer if he lost. He just wanted to see you succeed in something you've worked so hard to achieve for so long.

“I hope I get it this time. I've been beating myself up for not having enough confidence to get myself into bigger opportunities.” he heard you say to Yunjin when you were all getting ready to go home.

He didn't need to say anything because your friend was already there to assure you, but his stare was enough to tell you that he cared. He wanted you to know that he believed in you, more than you believe in yourself.

The sequel to your odyssey wouldn't be announced till the next school year began, but until then, you two would keep contact. It would start off with him popping up in your notifications with a little, hey how r u —which would shortly be followed by, it's eunseok btw.

yeah ik it's u —you laughed quietly to yourself, legs against your chest as you got comfy on your living room sofa. i alr have u saved in my contacts.

he would immediately reply, oh right

—lmao

You would subconsciously pucker your lips as you typed, whats up?

the sky? —you physically cringed at his reply, funny for being so unfunny.

bro? 😭

bro…

idk it's been two weeks

since school ended?

yeah

and it'll only take like less than a month till we're back

but suffering is for the weak 💪

right 💪

kinda miss it too

props to u for missing school ig

i meant to say you

lmao

It was normal to say things like that to your friends, you and Yunjin say it to each other when you reunite after a considerably long time of not seeing each other, so, this must be… normal, right?

that's oddly sweet of u

hbu?

same

it's not the same w/o ur annoying ass

annoying or not

i know u love my ass

eww????

Maybe not his ass.

You two would go on with your little convos every other day, that would soon turn into everyday, to every other hour, into phone calls.

would it be weird if i asked to call rn

why

u wanna?

yea

feeling lazy to type jus saying

call me then

You thought maybe you sounded too sure of yourself than you actually were, cause when he called, you fumbled, trying to fix yourself before you answered —it was pointless since it was an audio call and he won't even be able to see the pillow lining marked on your face from laying down for so long as you chatted with him.

He also had no reason to feel lazy at all, in fact the only activity he'd been up to is on his phone, talking to you. He just wanted to hear from you again, because at that point you two still had sixteen days left before you got to see each other again.

“Y/n” he spoke as soon as you picked up.

“Eunseok.” you said back, imitating his tone.

“The voting results are out, I'm looking at it right now, on my laptop.” you could almost hear him gulp before he spoke again. “We got it.”

You yelped, but rushed to cover your mouth. “Shit, is that for real?”

“Yep. It's for real alright.” his smile was wide, like the one he wore when you finally accepted his offer to be his project partner.

“Oh my fucking —thank you Seok. I love you, I love you guys so much, holy shit.” his eyes were wide open as he listened to your celebratory exclamations.

You loved him? He knew it was your utter excitement speaking, but deep down he just wished he could hear it again, just those three precious words.

──────────﹒★﹒﹒──﹒﹒★﹒───��──────

Time flew by, but not like how it usually would. This time it actually seemed to be a little slower. Maybe it was because you spent the majority of your break talking to him, which you didn't even think was possible. What was even there for the two of you to talk about outside of school? you two had never gone below surface level conversations, then suddenly he was approaching you in school all smiley while holding a cup of iced coffee?

“Drink up Sleepy, my favorite dwarf.” he sounded so sweet, but it was a tease.

Suddenly your height became a topic of discussion, comparing you to one of Snow White's seven dwarfs, and he'd pinpoint the one who was most like you. Sleepy, always sleepy —and also pretty small. You weren't even that small, he was just a bit —no, he was a total tease. You'd mention it was your dad's genes, then it would turn into you telling him that you and your dad weren't really close at all.

It was a drastic shift, but he learned to appreciate the trust you've granted him by telling him those things, and he would find out about the emotional neglect that went unnoticed by you yourself.

You carefully took the cup from his hand, and with a smile you said, “Thank you, Seok.”

If back then he hid his emotions from you and everyone else, now he had his smile on full display, facing its very cause, you. He had learned how to read you now, and he knew he was getting somewhere when your voice had started to soften at certain times. Your voice that was usually dominant, almost sounding demanding in a way, he would be one of the few who would hear it completely disappear, and taking its place would be a sound he could only describe as his sweetest dreams.

Hearing you speak again in face to face for the first time after a while felt unreal almost, he felt ecstatic from your voice alone, so much so that he almost forgot that he was to be announced as student council president that day.

During orientation, you would be declared as student council secretary, and he's the president —the president who stood next to you instead of his designated place, next to the vice president. Yunjin stood where he was supposed to be, you noticed and whispered to him, “Hey, go back to your position.” but he'd just chuckle at your furrowed eyebrows. “Seok?”

His gaze was fixated on you, and it was like the whole world stopped for the two of you. “Hmm?”

“Congratulations, and, thank you. I really owe you one.” he chuckled again, and all you could see was him.

“You don't owe me anything, but thank you for trusting me, congrats Sleepy.” his smile caused your mind to almost lose itself, eyes wandering down to the glint on his lips.

Suddenly you wondered if they would feel as soft as the words he had spoken to you. You were ashamed that you would think that about your best friend, but he was thinking the same thing, eyes fixated on your velvet lips.

Nothing would come out of it, for fact, it would be as if nothing ever happened. But you both knew, the way you looked at each other was different. Heck, you could never even spare anyone else a second of eye contact. At that point, you two knew each other well enough, as opponents, and eventually as close friends. Now he just had to figure out how to know you as his lover.

──────────﹒★﹒﹒──﹒﹒★﹒──────────

The two of you would be busy as ever and being together in those situations served as a perk, for even with the urge to just throw away your paperwork and drop out of school, you were able to continue with each other's motivation, each other's smiles, each other's voices.

—each other's touch. “Are your hands okay?”

He eyed your fingers that had green guard bandages on them. You've been writing a lot, not only for being a secretary, but also for the ridiculous amount of school work you had piled up and had to finish before the end of the week.

He was hesitant, but you kept yourself busy and it gave him a push to just go for it. Moments later, your writing would be interrupted as a hand reached out for yours.

“Rest for a while. We have plenty of time before the next period.” was all he said as he enclosed your hand in his grasp.

His touch felt warm, relieving you of the pain and the pressure everything's been giving you lately. When he moved his thumb against your skin, you just wanted to drag him with you and run away from everything and everyone.

Realization would only hit you when from a distance, you saw a few of your classmates looking at the two of you, then whispering to each other.

“Hey Y/n, I hope you're not too busy—”

“What?” Ahra had approached again, but this time Eunseok answered for you.

“Oh, I just needed help with the gen bio activity.” she eyed your linked hands.

“Right, just give me your paper, I'll sort it out for you.” Ahra handed you her activity sheet, but it was Eunseok who'd snatch it from her hand and retort,

“You people can't do anything for yourselves? Jesus.” he had an ill-tempered glare that he kept on the paper he held, but he gave your hand a gentle squeeze. “If you need it so badly, I'll do It. Fifty bucks.”

“But I don't have fifty bucks on me right n—”

“Then go find someone else to pester.” he says as he hands Ahra's paper back to her.

Ahra takes it and walks away in shame, and spite. Why did he have to be there to ruin everything?

You were worried Ahra would be up to speaking ill of you to others like past classmates have done to you before, but he reassured you.

“They don't have to matter, besides, you're not obligated to take responsibility for their own.” just think about you and I —he finishes his words in his mind, not afraid to admit, but afraid to say it.

Even if he didn't say it, you were already thinking it. Because why would anything else matter when you had him and he had you. The summit of your dreams used to be these superficial things, and now it would be a future, a future of a better life, living off of pure contentment and bliss. A future together.

It would all remain unsaid, but you could feel it with each other.

Through him, you would learn to say no without much thought of the consequences all you had to think about is his fond eyes greeting you once you've successfully overcome your struggles.

And through you, he learned to be more open and considerate. He would finally see things from others' perspectives, helping him understand what he needed to do as the president of the student council, and as your…

Well, what was he to you? What were you to each other?

The label would be unclear to everyone, and to you both, but you were sure that you had something. You shared the same feelings and the same longing whenever your time with each other was cut short.

It was almost as if your only reason to go to keep attending school was to see each other and be with each other. It was easier to stick around with one another since you were both major parts of the student council, so when people asked if you two had a thing, there was only one answer.

“Well, we run the student council.” and apparently you ran in each other's minds too.

sleepy

don't force yourself to go to school tmrw ok?

but there's literally a presentation

and?

if u present with a stuffy nose and phlegm in your throat would that be any better?

no…

good

u better rest and not tire urself with ANYTHING else

oki

thanks seok :>

miss u alr lol

u know i miss u more

it's so hard to bear with these ppl without u around

see? this is why i need to go to school...

hell no

get ur ass some rest

i'll see u when u feel better <33

It was usually you who would be too sick to go to school, and he quickly picked up on your routine of going to school with allergies that'll turn into a fever by the end of the day, and you would be out of school for a day or two, and he'd always make sure to check in on you through messages or calls.

Soon enough though, he'd show up outside your house. It was a risky move, but he was always lucky enough that your parents weren't around to see him.

“You're really outside my house? Are you crazy?” you sneezed into your phone right after you spoke.

You heard his sweet chuckle from the other line. “Yeah, cutie. I have something for you, can you go down? or is there a way for me to get in? Is it through the doggy door or your bedroom window?”

Your laughter was weak due to the phlegm in your body. “Wait, wait, I'll open the door for you.”

Somehow, the thought of seeing him gave you enough energy to rush down the stairs to welcome him.

You ended the call on your phone as you opened the door, and there he was. “Hey Sleepy, looking real groggy there.”

A playful glare made its way onto your face, and he'd laugh loud enough for you to hear despite the distance.

“Can I come in?” of course you let him in.

He had about two hours before your parents came back. He got you food, very warm and comforting seaweed soup and a cup of warm lemon tea.

He watched you eat a couple bites, very slowly and feebly. He grew worried about the way you struggled with just holding the spoon up to your mouth. “May I?”

Honestly, why'd he even ask? he would do it anyway even if you refused —in this case you weren't even able to utter a reply. He takes the spoon, and feeds you, being very gentle, even wiping away some stray soup from the corners or your lips and your chin.

Luckily, you weren't too sick to miss his enamored eyes and for a moment he'd stop feeding you, wiping your bottom lip, allowing his gaze on it linger. Flustered, you'd bite down on it with the strength you had.

He chuckles, looking down for a brief moment. “You're so adorable.” —and a soft pinch to your cheek.

──────────﹒★﹒﹒──﹒﹒★﹒──────────

Your final year in highschool has finally ended. Elation coursed throughout your body when you received your medal as salutatorian, and of course, he was your valedictorian.

All those years he thought he was graduating with not much to look forward to. It was life, he graduates, and graduates again, then he'd be out making big contributions to the economy. But now, you would be in his list of aspirations, because at that point, none of you have ever thought of confessing, but still looked in each other's eyes like they were the only ones that existed.

The day of your graduation, he'd run to you —which startled you a bit— and carry you by your sides, spinning you once before settling you back down again. All you could hear was each other's laughter, and he'd engulf you in his embrace.

“We've made it pretty far.” —and you both wanted to go further, further from what you already had, a reassurance, a settlement.

You two would keep constant contact the whole time you prepared yourselves for college. It could be a miracle, or maybe it was truly meant to be —you two got into your dream university.

In all honesty, he never had a dream university. He'd only have one when he heard it from you. “Yonsei seems like a great university.” —his dream will always and only lie with you.

You spent your days talking, daydreaming about college life. You both knew it wasn't something to daydream about since it would only get harder from then, but it was driven by the thought that all this time, you would still be together. Still, none of you would outrightly say it.

“Imagine we'd get forced to drink with our seniors.” you let your phone lay close to your head on your bed as you spoke to him on call.

And to that he replied, “I'd never let that happen.”

You laughed, and it was the most beautiful song he's ever heard. He ended up laughing with you.

“I'm serious.” he adds, still laughing.

“I know, Seok. I know.”

The time would come eventually. You two would be in two different departments —he was in computer science— but fortunately, your seniors seemed to only know one place where they could pressure the freshmen to their favor.

Eunseok walks up to the table where you're at, you two have had your eyes on each other ever since you've step foot in that place.

He held onto the strap of his shoulder bag, looking into your honeyed eyes. “Let's go home.”

Everyone had their eyes on him, then on you. “Woah, woah, and who's this pretty boy? Why are you cutting our Y/n's fun so short in the night huh?”

“Y/n doesn't drink.” your seniors looked at you and you nod, keeping your eyes on him.

You extend your hand out to him, and soon you would feel sanctuary.

No other words were said as he pulled you along with him to the exit, not minding to spare the others another look. His hand still held onto yours as he walked you back to your dorm room. You were both quiet the entire time, your social batteries drained to its very limits from the orientation activities and the higher-ups pressuring the both of you to join them waste away.

Before completely letting go of you, you would both stop in front of your door, facing each other.

“See, I told you so.” you laughed at his playful jabbing.

“Okay, my firefighter. Thank you for saving me.” his eyes wandered down to your lips once again, but they would shift back up to your forehead.

He wipes the bit of sweat on it with his thumb, letting his palm slowly glide down and rest on your cheek.

“I said no, you know, but they kept insisting I come with them.” his hand went from your cheek to your chin, gently taking a hold of it.

“I know Sleepy. It's alright. It happened to me too.”

You wondered what would happen next. The tension had only grown stronger, it was only the two of you in that hallway, it was you, him and the desire dispersed throughout the silence of the halls —but nothing was salvaged from it. The looks in your eyes yearned for the feeling of each other's lips, but he held back.

His hands cupped your face, slightly squishing your cheeks together. “You kinda look like Keroppi.” a bittersweet chuckle leaves his mouth. “Good night, Y/n.”

Before he could walk away, your embrace would stop him, and he'd hug back, almost not wanting to ever let go. His hand wandered to the back of your head, gently caressing your hair.

“Good night Seok.”

That night was definitely one to remember, one that made you realize, he's always loved Keroppi, does that mean he loves me too? —maybe you were taking it too far, but it wasn't impossible. You saw it, you felt it, his amore through the feeling of his skin against yours.

Every moment you've shared with him felt like a push, just say it, just do it, but none of you would budge.

Your best friend Yunjin was in the same department as him, she didn't see you as often as he would, but when she did, she wanted to just push your faces into each other, just kiss already —she'd think to herself as she observed the two of you just being so lost in each other.

At one point you'd feel bad for not spending as much time as you used to with her, but after talking to her about it, she reassured you that she wasn't an obligation for you to worry about, but she'd always be there when you needed her, and of course you would be there for her too.

You thought you were lucky that both of your favorite people were in the same department, shared the same classes, that way it was easier for you to see them and hang out simultaneously.

Doubt would start swimming around the oceans of your thoughts —one day you were set to meet them in the campus library. Your pace was a bit speedy, wearing such a gleeful smile, you walked to meet them again after the longest week of your life. The campus library was huge, but it wouldn't take you a while to spot them.

Your first instinct was to run up to them, but maybe it was your exhaustion that had stopped you from doing so and instead just stand there for a while, watching them laugh together from a distance, and they would get so close to each other that your breath almost hitched.

You felt insecure, but also hated yourself for even allowing these feelings to surge. They're also good friends, your best friends, you were more fond of one of them for sure, but you both loved and cared for them just as much.

Your worries would subside once you were finally seated next to him. Your eyes lingered on each other's allure, it was quite clear that you two had this certain look reserved for each other.

“Oh, look. The project partners are back again.” —your harmonious laughter would fill your ears.

At first it came easy, but then it wasn't.

Being in different departments meant seeing them from afar walking side by side, and you would find that they would be together a lot more than before.

When they'd meet with you, they were together, almost all the time. At first you thought, it was easier that way for them, and for you especially.

Then love month came around. Everyone was busy preparing booths for the Feb Fair celebration. It was three days long, and everyone wanted it to be perfect, single or not, it was three days of just love, love for friends, family, for him.

Just a few days before Feb Fair started, despite your efforts of searching for him everywhere you could, sadly, your efforts would be futile.

hi seok

been looking for u everywhere

u busy? —delivered, 4 hours ago.

sorry

shit sorry

i am kinda busy

but not like usual

it's for something vv special :))

that's nice

you have any plans for feb fair?

anyone asked u out yet?

even if anyone did i would reject them lol

would u reject me then? —read, 10 minutes ago.

it's okay roppi lmaooo

tbh i'd say yes w/o u even asking

really?

so it's settled then?

you got it :3

shit

i got the prettiest date for feb fair 🙈

You seemed to have forgotten about the roots of your agitations once you've gotten a chance to talk with him again.

You made sure you would look the prettiest when you were with him. You wore a blue dress, he never said it was his favorite, but you did see it quite often in the items he owned, and some in his wardrobe.

But maybe you should've gone for green. The first day of Feb Fair, entering the area of festivities, a band playing some overrated love song would serve as soft background music for everyone else indulged in the love, it's in the air as they'd claim.

Maybe this would be the day, the day you would finally admit to each other's feelings, confess.

You walked around, taking in the luminous fairy lights, and the fake flowers that accompanied them. Even if they were artificial, they were still really pretty, and you would be the living depiction of those flowers, your dress flowing with the cool breeze as your eyes glimmered with the stars.

When he saw you, his whole world stopped. You were suddenly the only one he could see. He wished he was quick enough to rush over to you, hold your hand, but you were gone, like the wind.

You had seen him handing over a bouquet to your best friend —Yunjin, and at that moment you thought she looked so perfect that you thought your presence was unwanted.

Maybe it was a mistake, maybe he didn't mean it at all. Maybe you were only meant to be a bridge for them.

That night, you would lock yourself in your room, ignoring the calls and messages in your phone and your own roomate. You just kept yourself under your covers.

“Hey, um, Y/n, Eunseok's outside.”

“Please tell him to go away.” you cried out.

And your roommate would do just that. His heart would sink, but it was a lot worse compared to when you had first rejected his efforts of asking you as his project partner.

It was like the past all over again. There you cried all alone, then, it used to be because of an essay and his egocentric self, now it was because of a bouquet, and his fleeting promise.

He just hoped he could talk to you again.

y/n it wasn't what you thought it was

i'll explain to you when we meet again

please

i'm sorry

i'll wait for you by the water fountain tomorrow —delivered, 10 hours ago.

be my partner, please? —delivered, 30 minutes ago.

It was the second day of the Feb Fair. You were still isolating yourself in your room. You wondered where they could be. You still hadn't opened your phone so you thought, maybe they're together, like they always were.

You hopelessly sat on your bed, munching on some snacks. Suddenly it would hit you that all the food you had in your pantry was from him. Holding back your tears, you would let the packet of gummy worms fall down on your bed, with you feeling defeated.

Feeling like you needed to move, you got up from your bed, weakly opening your closet.

I should've worn the green dress. —unlike the blue one, it was more casual, and the most important detail of all, it had a cute little frog on the right chest area. You let your finger trace the frog imprint, almost tearing up again.

Closing your closet, you turned around, ready to plop yourself back down onto your bed, but your phone lit up again.

maybe tomorrow? :)) —read, 4 minutes ago.

When he saw that you had read his message, he wore a hopeful smile. Maybe, just maybe, you'd show up the next day, or maybe in the night. He promised that this time, he won't skimp on his words, he was going to tell you everything.

It was already dark, nearing 9:00 pm when he had messaged you. You were admittedly worried and guilty for making him wait till that time of the night.

Reading through his messages again, you knew you needed to show up. Because you trusted him. Trust, you almost forgot. You have given him so much of it.

The next day, you got up relatively early, at least earlier than your roommate. She'd wake up to you already dolled up.

“That's a cute dress.” she said, she had her hands against her sides, looking around for a while before asking, “Um, if you don't mind, are you and Eunseok… okay now?”

“We'll be alright.” the tiredness in your voice was still evident, and so your roommate would just give you a smile, nodding as she left to go to the bathroom.

You were going to make it right. This was the final push, you would finally tell him how you've felt about him, from the very start of it all up to now when you longed for him.

Still at the water fountain, Eunseok sat there anxiously. He sat there, and in his hand was a box. It was all, and everything he had kept of you, and if ever he lost you —and he prays to God it would never happen— he'd have your memories in this box, his most cherished ones.

6:00 pm, his eyes grew a thin layer of water as he watched everyone else with such loving eyes and sugared laughter. He looked up at the sky, and he thanked it for being so full for that night, full of glittering stars. He took it as a sign that you would come soon, because last night there were no stars at all, and you didn't arrive.

“I'll be your partner.”

He froze in his spot, stare still fixated on the constellations above him.

He stood up, bringing his gaze down to you. You eyed the box he held with both his hands, “Y/n.”

Your eyes lit up, hearing his voice emit your name very faintly. You let him walk closer to you, just enough for you to see his eyes glisten against the fairy lights.

“The flowers, well, I helped Yunjin look for them. They were meant to be for someone else, she won't tell me who. I'm guessing it might be Chaewon since she kept asking me about her, if you remember, Chaewon's my cousin.” —well shit. Isn't it just so easy to be stupid?

“Sorry.” he hurriedly used one of his hands, hesitantly reaching out for the one he's been dying to hold since the day he thought he'd lose you, for the second time.

“Don't be sorry. Please. I should've…” he glanced down at your entwined hands, your hand was cold. “... just told you that…”

Again, he'd struggle to find his words and you'd bring your hand up to his cheek, “Seok?”

“I like you and I think I'm in love with you —no, I am. I…” he was almost breathless, and you'd gently move his head to meet his soft eyes.

“Song Eunseok, I want to be your partner, in the long run, and maybe, till I can no longer write essays and make grammatical errors, will you be my partner —for life?”

Eunseok had always dreamed of going to space and seeing the shimmering little specks of wonder up-close. He knew they were just fiery rocks, but unlike him, who others would describe as still and emotionless, these rocks shined, and they were beautiful. You are so beautiful. He'd finally have a star to himself. His dreams, driven by his childhood imaginations, were coming true, in the form of you.

Finally, he would lean in, finally feeling your plush lips against his. You're as sweet as he imagined.

“Till I can no longer correct you, I'll be your partner.” he uttered against your lips.

Later that night, you two would be seated on the ground, leaning your backs against the base of the water fountain —he'd let you use his arm as a cushion for your back, well, he insisted. The fireworks had already died down, and you two were still there.

You were going through the box he had prepared for you.

“You kept this?” It was the essay, the nameless copy.

“Yeah, but look, look.”

He had written stuff all over it, and drew a bunch of Keroppis. And he had checked it like how your English teacher back then would, with one singular correction where he wrote, you missed a word miss know-it-all, doesn't matter though, i miss you more.

“When did you do this?” he watched fondly as you chuckled, reading through his little notes and doodles.

“I checked that essay the day you rejected my 'partner proposal' for the second time.” you looked at him wide-eyed.

“You… missed me then?”

“Yes?”

Then you'd see receipts of every breakfast coffee, every ice cream meeting —you never called it a date because you were just being professional, every candy packet and every wet wipe purchase he had ever made for you, all stapled together with little tmi's on them, y/n really likes green. i should buy more green shirts.

You chortled. “Don't laugh!”

“No! I just think it's really cute!”

wait holy shit, i wish i could draw well THE WAY SHE SMILED AT ME. i won. fuck everyone.

“You've liked me for that long?” looking into his eyes again, you'd melt into his loving stare.

He had been watching you smile through his sweet little shenanigans that you never would've thought he'd been up to this time. “Yes, I have.”

You bit your bottom lip, still your smile showed through it. With a gulp, you'd place a quick kiss on his lips, making him freeze once again.

With an innocent smile, you went back to rummaging through the box. “Wait, this was my favorite pen. You hid it?”

“I've been using it around you ever since I got it, I thought you'd notice.”

“I just thought you used the same brand. Shame on you, thief.”

You would laugh together for the rest of the night, reminiscing about the past, how you both hid your painfully obvious liking for each other, and then a moment of silence.

You admired the array of stars that shined throughout the body of the sky as you laid your head on his shoulder, his hand holding yours like it was its only purpose.

“Thank God Yuri plagiarized your essay.”

You playfully hit his knee, laughing out, “What do you mean?”

“Just imagine, If I never realized my feelings for you, I'd never make an effort to ask you as my project partner, and we'd stay the same, me still a jerk, and you…”

“Still saying yes to everyone? Well, that makes sense, but, what if we're really meant to end up where we are now?”

“We are meant to be, aren't we?” You felt him place a kiss on your head. “So, what's your opinion on officially being my girlfriend?”

You sat up, startling him a bit, but he'd chuckle once he saw the cheeky grin on your face. “You know how you've always taught me how to say no?”

You giggled when you saw his smile diminish.

“Well, you're no idiotic low-life, so yes, Eunseok, I'll be your girlfriend.” he leans in and hugs you, and you both fall over. “Wait what the fuck.”

“Sorry, sorry.” he helped you get up.

You would get lost in each other's eyes again, and eventually your lips were linked once more. You had your arms wrapped around his neck, and his hands on your waist. You pulled away, and you'd laugh at each other's breathless states.

“I honestly don't know why you still asked me to be your girlfriend when I asked you to be my partner for life.”

“I'm an anxious man, okay? but I just really wanted to be sure, and I wanted to ask for myself, that was the initial plan anyways, I can't believe you ruined my plan.”

“Excuse me? you seem to sound so offended now.”

“So what if I am?”

The stars were once only a tiny glimpse of hope for him, now drew the two of you. First two very distant stars, one shone blue and the other shone red, the blue star almost died, but the red star gave some of her flame, and soon they would ignite the fire they would share.

She said yes, finally. —he knew you'd ignite his flame again, and with an unspoken promise to himself —and to you, he'd grow to love you more and more, every single day.

Fin.

would you like to go back?

> take me back

> no :)) (thank you for stargazing with me)

#riize #riize au #riize fanfic #briize #riize x reader #riize fluff #riize eunseok #song eunseok #riize imagines #Spotify #songfic

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yuseirra · 3 months

Text

Anaylsis on Ai Hoshino's character and speculations of how her relationship with her ex-boyfriend actually went

With the upcoming second season of the Oshi no Ko anime, I think this is a good time for me to write how I feel about this character. The manga seems to be reaching the final arc too, so if I make any guesses, it's probably now or a never thing! I'd like to post this before I get utterly proven wrong and it gets totally useless XD and who knows? Maybe I just may get some things right.

I had a chance to talk about how I felt Ai with @aihoshiino through an ask (their analyses are so good and I'm sure they'll write tons better than what I can offer) and it led me to realize how interesting the character is. So I ended up jotting my thoughts on my own and it became quite long.

This post will touch on how I think Ai's mind worked, and how it may have affected her relationship with her ex. I've been following the recent chapters, and I read up to ch. 152. This means I'm aware of most spoilers, and that this post would be swarming with it! If you're okay with it, please read ahead!

*I originally wrote this in a different language. I'm too tired to write the whole thing over again, so I used DeepL translate! I fixed some nouns that got lost within the translations, so should make sense for the most part. Sorry for the clumsy writing in advance!

While thinking about the recent developments in the onk manga, I noticed some things while listening to the opening of the anime version, so I'll write it down. The other day, I had the opportunity to discuss the characterization and personality development of Ai with someone else, even though it may be brief. There were some things that were notable in the behavior of this character in the novel version as well. I don't know how the story will develop, but from the information I got thus far, I feel I can outline what kind of person she is to some extent.

Ai has a very strong desire for "love" because she's never been loved properly. Rejection from parents in early childhood takes a tremendous toll on a person's development of self-assurance and self-esteem. I'm not an expert so I can't make a professional statement, but I think Ai often resorts fo have an avoidant (withdrawn) attitude. She want to have deep relationships with people, but she doesn't want to reveal their intimate "real" selves to others because she's unsure if she'll be accepted. Self-hatred is a big part of why she keeps it hidden. There's a very selfless reason why Ai decides lie: she does it because everyone likes the pretty, bright, lovable version of her. Ai protects herself by pretending, but they also protect the "outside" from the "ugly" version of her. Everyone prefers Ai to be this invincible idol, and so Ai acts that way because it's the way to contribute to the group and the world around her. In the end, Ai becomes so good at performing this idolized persona to the extent where she shows signs of being broken or disheveled, the others will react "That's not Ai" and deny it. But even though she's initially happy to be loved and accepted and have a place, ultimately that's not the kind of "love" she wants. This character has a very idealized idea of what love is, and she wants that kind of love where you put yourself out there and it's accepted, but when you think about it, it's her parents who should have given her that kind of love. What she wants is the unconditional, the agape type of love, the type she never got that early in her life. In reality, she was actually always getting the love from her fans, and she was giving love in return, whatever form of love it was. It was just that she wasn't sure if it was love at all. That's the sad part about this character, she has a very strong image of what love is, and she's not sure if it's love when it comes to these whole other variety of emotions. That's why she says in her idol songs that she really wants to love her fans, even though she's already doing it… When Ai became a parent and was in the position to give unconditional love, she began to think, "Will I know what love is? (Regardless of whether or not this was to be a wise choice to do this at such a young age, there are definitely people who actually have this sort of mental state. It may not make sense if you look at this character's emotional state and judgment from what's considered as the norm, but this is the flow of her thinking. It's not a healthy state, but it's not fair to just dismiss it as thoughtless, and foolish because this character has never experienced normal love.) However, the "love" she thinks of didn't just happen when she gave birth to and raised her children… Even for her own children, she kept putting on a bright face and couldn't live unadorned… This is how acting (lying) is a form of love for her. She tried so hard all the time. She lived as much as possible to fit in with others. She thinks this is showing consideration for the other person. This is another sad point, because she doesn't realize that when she reveals herself, others will still love her for who she is.

When interpreting the character of Ai, you shouldn't interpret her as someone who is emotionally stable and loved. The MV for the song "Idol" was my first introduction to the work "onk", and the initial feeling I had when I saw it was discomfort. This was because I felt like it was exposing a very vulnerable and precarious psychology of a young child. To compare it to other works, I think it's similar to the psychological state of One Piece's Tot Musica or Fleeting Lullaby, but even more extreme in a way because there's not even a metaphor to cover it up. It's a very honest song, and so I was like, "Is it okay to lay it all out there?" and at the same time, I was like, "This is going to be popular, but do people like stuff like this these days?" because it's about something that pretends to be okay, but it's really not. It's a song about struggles, about trying and trying. This discomfort dies out a bit when you "get used to it", so now I just enjoy the song like the crowd in the song going "Whoa! Whoa!" but the song is too "easy", it's… It's really, really easy to understand, because the lyrics are what it is. You don't even have to scrutinize it to recognize what it says. It's painfully honest.

But when I read the comic, I realized that was the entire point. Ai wanted to be honest, to reveal all of his intimate details, to be accepted, to understand others, to obtain what she thought was a "genuine relationship," and that's why he wrote this song. That's the core of the character. If the core of Aqua's character, which we talked about before (I wrote a different analysis on Aqua once too), is his inability to forgive himself, then the core of Ai's character's motivation is her desire to realize what she thinks is an "ideal form of love."

The problem is that this "lie" as a form of love comes in direct conflict with Ai's idealized notion of "love." After all, in Ai's mind, "true love" should be free of lies. Even when Ai has proposed the idea of lies being a form of love, she didn't even fully believe it herself. Because she kept wearing the mask of an "invincible idol" as an extension of her work, even in her daily life, she wasn't sure whether the love she was giving and receiving was really "love" or not. I think Ai is a character who thinks a lot about these things. This aligns with how celebrities are in real life, too. I realize that there must be many people who think differently from the image they are to be shown in the media.

I think this is what led to the breakup of her relationship with her ex-boyfriend, and I think she was trying to confess all of these feelings in the documentary, and I think it was meant to be a shock to the said character. It's probably going to be something that would hurt her ex-boyfriend in some way. I think this would only work if the boyfriend really loved her. I think she would have had good feelings towards her, love or not on her end as well. It just never came across. Ai's so used to pretending she's okay. She's the type of person who's very secretive and evasive when it comes to deepening a relationship. I think she avoided Kamiki because she thought it would be better for the both of them if she stayed away. On the other hand I think Kamiki would've been very dependent on her, and since this was a relationship he's had when he was very vulnerable and had been through some serious mess, Ai must've been kind of like a lifeline to him. He may have clung to her because she doesn't show her heart very often. Kamiki is an anxious attachment type, but Ai is an avoidant type, and I think that backfired in a very bad way. I don't think Kamiki was able to convince Ai to stay when the breakup happened… I don't know, maybe he was near the hospital when she gave birth because he really wanted to see his kids from a distance, this seems more likely given the how the storyline is going so far.

When Ai says, "I don't know," when Kamiki asks her, "Does Ai love me?" desperate for affection, she's trying to be honest in her own way. She can't simply say "no," to that but she really doesn't know if her feelings for him's really love. She can't lie to herself, so she wants to be honest. (Kamiki would've been so heartbroken, but when you look at the character of Ai, it's surprising to see a relationship without pretense. She wanted to be perfect in every moment, but she wasn't doing that with him.) I believe that Ai may have came to a conclusion that she's never loved anyone, whether towards her fans or to Kamiki, but she wants to "love properly" now. (Now that I think of it, Kana is the polar opposite of Ai. She's very honest and just plain states that she doesn't like her fans that much. It took Ai a really long time to say it, and if Ai was all wrapped up, Kana just went out and blurted it lol… I think that's what makes her so charming.) The song "Idol" was a song that summarizes the whole character of Ai, and I think she wanted to tell everyone that she loved(s) them, just like she could tell her children at the very end of the song.

She didn't want to get back together with her ex because she wanted to continue being an idol. She couldn't have a public relationship. But I think she wanted to show her kids to him because she gained a little bit of courage while raising them. That she could show her real self. When you look at a Ai, you can infer she has a lot welled up. They had always hidden themselves, and now they have "secrets" that are not just their own, living, that grow with time. She's always had vicious circle that led to self-hatred from all the lies she'd been creating, which led to anger and stress…and it was this close to being let out through the movie. Maybe that's why Aqua believes making movies is for her. It's to fulfill her desire to be freed from the lies.

When it comes to whether she loved Kamiki as much as the children or as much as Kamiki craved from her, it's hard to say for now. However, I've always noticed how Ai, who is very careful and cautious when it came to keeping her image, was willing gave her address and tried to show her children to him. That means she thought him as someone who she could trust. I thought that the ex must have liked Ai because they had a positive effect on her after their meeting. Considering their age, it is likely a case of two children who were unprotected and emotionally vulnerable and became close by relying on each other. I'm sure there were to be some type of bond at least.

It's all a matter of speculation, but Ai's method of "caring" usually boils down in ways that the other person has no idea about how Ai herself feels and her circumstances. I think that's what happened in her relationship with her boyfriend. She's like the rabbit doll in the beginning of Mephisto, with her colleagues in IDOL going "You're great! You're never sad or angry!". Everyone around her ends up adoring and blaming her like an object to project upon, without having to think about how Ai feels inside. I think the 15 year-lie would have acted as a confession of that situation, with the message being:

Isn't it possible that she cut him off unilaterally to "protect him from herself," and then when there were signs that things were stabilizing over time, through the children, the president, and the fans, she took the time to call him back when she could, for it to have ended up like this? It's possible that Ai seemed to be so unmoved that her potential feelings didn't resonate with the other party, who felt betrayed at the time because she seemed so cold and distant. Ai doesn't like herself, and may have decided it's better for her to leave. She may have thought that Kamiki's obsession with her was bad for himself, or with him being so driven to the point where he thought that she was all he had. At that point Ai didn't believe she knew love, so she thought he'd be disappointed later. This is only a speculation but Kamiki could've wanted to take responsibility for the children if he knew, but it was Ai who thought it'd better for her to carry all everything and go her separate ways, because if she kept her mouth shut and kept it a secret, it wouldn't hurt him… and it's a child she wanted to have (and if this were to be the case, Kamiki's own wishes probably were never taken into consideration at all). Surprisingly, Kamiki may have feelings of affection for the children he had with Ai. He's never come to met them, but that could be because Ai told him not to. He complimented how Ruby grew up to be so beautiful resembling both him and Ai, that'd mean he must still like her, right? He has a love-hate relationship with Ai, but he's never harmed or came into close contact with either of his children until they were grown up. Could it be that Ai told him to stay away from her when they had the breakup?(And then she calls him up years later and asks if he wants to see the kids, unintentionally driving him insane)

"I've been lying about loving you all this time, and I don't want to do that anymore. Now I'm really going to tell you what's on my mind, and we're going to start over. We're going to build a relationship from the ground."Something like this? Something like this would be best.

If it's something like this, it'll be a blow to Kamiki. It'll be the same as Ryosuke, because he'll realize that he's the one who stabbed the hand that held out to love him and killed it, and he'll never be able to have that love again. It'll be revenge to realize that.

I can be wrong, but… But I still think there was something Ai would've wanted to convey to kamiki through that movie.

Ryosuke is a scumbag, and if Ai's meant what she said to them, I think it would be more of a statement towards all the fans who loved him than it was about him. Kamiki, if he really did instigate Ai's death, also needs to be punished for his respective crimes. Ai contributed to a part of his misery maybe, but… she's never actively harmed anyone. She may have hurt people's feelings, but she never did anything to deserve to die like this, and I don't think it should have happened, no matter what. It's a stalking and killing crime. I think Ai's life was very lonely, but I think she kept reaching out and trying within her limits. I hope all children grow up to be loved. The idea of love took over "Ai's" life, and I think she lived up to her name.

Beyond this are some more speculation, though it's likely to be more off than the stuff above.

For now, that's how I feel about this character.

I don't think Kamiki would have taken it that way, though. it was twisted, in more ways than one.

+ I think the Ai's feelings for Kamiki were… I think she's liked Kamiki quite a bit. Whether it was love is ambiguous. I don't think she would have been able to say for sure that she loved anyone at that point. This character hasn't been taught what love is, so her ideas of theoretical love, and the barriers to it are pretty high. Ai would've been confused going "Oh, is this what love is?" even if it's a level of emotion that most would consider to be love. What they had between them seems like something that could have been love, but never really came to a conclusion. In fact, the contradiction of Ai's character is that she wants to love, but blocks deep feelings for fear of being hurt. I think it would have been difficult for her to love him like she did for her own children, with whom she has an unconditional connection through blood…it would have been impossible for her at that time.

This is completely speculative, but I wonder if when she found out she was pregnant, she hid it, called it quits, and disappeared, because she felt like it would be a burden for him to know, and she thought she could handle it all on her own. She didn't ask for any help, and she didn't ask for anything when she agreed to keep the baby. Kamiki somehow found out and came to the birth and sees it from afar. Ryosuke runs away because he killed someone, but this character didn't do anything harmful to Ai that day. On the contrary, Kamiki may have been subconsciously been influenced by the person who exploited him. He may not have hated the children Ai had with him as much because he saw them as his connection to her. Perhaps after having seen her loving her children he had with her, raising them well, he had hopes that maybe she could get back together with him someday, and maybe she even cared about him a little bit. After he got that call from her, however, he realized that she needed the children but not him, and he despaired that there was no place for him in his life to begin with. Kamiki may not have any hard feelings toward his children. Rather, there might be some kind of inner affection he holds towards them proving as evidence that there was still a relationship between him and Ai; and that's why he sponsored the movie?

As for Ai, It would have been hard for Ai to truly love the children of a man she didn't even like, but there are no signs of that with her, either.. I don't think she broke up with him because she didn't like him. If you look at the phone scene, you get the impression that Ai broke up with him in a pretty casual way, there was a level of willingness to talk to him again and keep in touch and build a relationship from the beginning. This is a big deal coming from Ai because she has little to no friends and only a limited number of people with whom she's had a deep relationship. She's still wanted to form some kind of relationship with her ex-boyfriend, and here we can infer that Kamiki is a pretty important relationship for her. From her point of view, there was room for the future in that relationship. I think she was thinking about starting over with a more authentic relationship with her fans and with her ex-boyfriend. As she grew to love her children, she was subconsciously preparing herself to do so.

By the way, is it really true that Kamiki has been committing murders all this time? I think it could be a huge detriment to the manga's completeness and immersion to reveal the real culprit was someone entirely different at the very end, but we've never seen this character directly do anything, so I think it would be a good idea for the author to bring a twist the plot. It could be just that he feels responsible or guilty because he couldn't stop what's happened… He might actually be someone like Aqua who feels intense guilt for something he wasn't responsible for (I say this is like a 5% chance). Ryosuke is a stalker, so it's possible that he stalked Ai for four years and found out her address on his own. In the case of the actor, it's also possible that Kamiki's warned her to be careful beforehand, but she died anyway, so he's self-loathing saying it's all because of him. If you look closely, he seems to be blaming himself, so he keeps repeating the phrase "because of me." Did he actually kill her? This could be a narrative trick. You see how he's had a terrible past. Himekawa and Uehara may not have been the only ones that died around him, maybe he's cursed? Maybe there's a god that makes people with great talent in the arts unhappy… Anyone would have been suspicious if people around Kamiki kept dying in the first place, but Akane, who did the background check on Kamiki, didn't suspect anything like that, did she? It's never revealed in the story if he killed people, and if so, how many. People just come to infer "oh, he's a psychopathic killer" but just how much of it's right? We'll get to see that soon, I guess.

++Lying is also a keyword that's constantly stressed.

Like I said, I don't think it's very likely… Now that I think about it, the bouquet is a possible connection to Ryosuke. However, he may be less guilty than we thought. If it's true that he's killed other celebrities, the most intuitive reason I can think of is that he didn't want anyone to shine more than Ai's ever did. But what good does that do? What exactly does it mean to this character to feel the weight of his life? :/ Is it actually a positive thing for him, does he want to have a heavy life, does he want to do anything with it? This is something I can't say until the author explains it, because I don't have any information. There is also the matter of God in this story, but I don't know that'd get tied it into the the plot even though the manga is nearing the end. Ai and Kamiki are supposed to be characters who are connected to the gods, probably but I can't make any guesses. I was more confident about the psychological analyses than my plot predictions.

Isn't "15-year old lie two things? Ai lied to her fans that she loved them, and she lied to her boyfriend that she couldn't love him even though she had feelings for him. She told two lies about love, and now she's spilling the beans and saying, as she said before, that she wants to try to love again with her true heart.

The song "Idol" is what summarizes the whole storyline. If there is a lie that can be maintained for 15 years, I think it would be this.

In that case, assuming that the boyfriend loved the child, it would definitely be revenge from Aqua's point of view and give Ai what she's wanted… After all, Ai's narrative is a journey of a child trying to be true.

#oshi no ko #ai hoshino #hikaru kamiki #spoilers #I'll just post this before new chapters drop #how ai's felt holds a huge importance of this story's narrative from how I see it #and I think she's really well written in terms of how real she is #I wouldn't say it's a healthy personality but it's what she's had and I don't think it was her fault that she was like that #she's tried very hard. if there's someone like her.. I think they deserve a hug and some genuine showers of love #idk how this story will end up but the characters are written pretty well. I think that's this writer's strengths #oshi no theories

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sosuigeneris · 3 months

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what are the best life lessons you’ve learned?

Basic grooming is a must. You can’t just walk around looking like an animal and then wonder why no one in the world can take you seriously. As a society, we do place high value, respect and positive attributes towards people who look a certain way. Keep a base for yourself. For me: my facial hair must be removed at all times, eyebrows always done, I use a body perfume and a hair perfume to ensure I always smell nice, my teeth are always clean and my nails are always shaped and filed.

Read, read and read. Sign up for various newsletters to get bite sized info. Not just hard news but even things like arts, culture, history - there’s a lot of great newsletters out there. Try to incorporate at least one new learning in your conversations with people.

Mediocre work ethic is your biggest weakness. Learn to have good work ethic. If a task takes 5 minutes to do, then do it in 5 minutes. Be proactive.

spend some time alone in your day. When I mean alone I mean no phone, no laptop, no music, no books nothing. Just sit in silence and let yourself interact with yourself. Do nothing. It’s okay if you get bored. So many of us can’t stand our own selves and resort to blocking out our internal connection with distractions. Learn to THINK.

Practice everything. If you don’t know how to do something practice it. Don’t know how to have conversation? Practice in the mirror, create frameworks for yourself, but practice. Keep a set of generic questions that you can ask anyone you meet. Think of a few things that you’ve done over the last month or upcoming travel plans you have before you meet someone. I have a list called “socialising homework” on my notes app which i fill in before a major social event: my recent experiences, upcoming experiences, work status, current hobbies, current trending topics (politics, global news, culture and travel), and ideal perception (how do I want to be perceived? Intelligent, warm, marriage material, etc etc it differs from social group to group or person to person).

#Life lessons #Realisations of a 24 year old girl #just girly thoughts #girlblogging #Cherry reveals #Beauty ritual #the social scene #parties parties parties

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snowblack-charcoalwhite · 4 months

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Do you have any predictions for s2? Will they completely destroy the greens as many fans think?

Hello, and thank you for the ask!

Truth be told, I gave up on trying to actually predict what will happen in season 2 a while ago - because HotD writers can pull literally every plot stunt imaginable (and whatever you can imagine, it usually turns out to be even worse).

So, I would like to mention some things that could happen in Season 2:

Team Green divided because of their views on the way the war should be fought: most likely, Alicent (team "mercy and caution") vs Aegon and Aemond (team "give them no quarter") with Otto and, later, Criston somewhere in between. This is definitely not what I would like to see; however, since it's quite likely to happen I am kind of interested about Criston's attitude and actions. On the one hand, he is utterly loyal to Alicent and practically bound to take her side (Fabien mentioned this during the promo campaign as well). On the other hand, Criston is a man of war and of action; plus, while he is sworn to Alicent and it's her will he is enforcing, Targtower boys are also close and dear to him. Also, he was once shown to hesitate in carrying her orders out before, at Driftmark (Viserys was still alive and ruling back then, and that made a huge difference, though).

Aemond consumed by his desire for power (because "he's worth it" *hair toss*). It looks like quite a sure thing at this point as well; what matters is how and when it will happen. If the writers make ambition and pride a reason enough for Aemond to stop caring about his family's best interests - I, for one, am not accepting that as canon. Specifically, if he decides to deliberately hurt/try to kill Aegon at Rook's Rest (don't even get me started on this one).

Aegon embracing his role as a King and taking action (it's been pretty much confirmed by TGC several times). Well, this is one of a few good things I can see happening. I think Aegon will still be presented as someone capable of acts of cruelty (and not hesitating to commit them) - in contrast with Rhaenyra and Alicent - but these acts will be justified (although not everyone will see them this way, that's for sure).

I don't even know what to think about Alicent's character at this point. She was given one of the most inconsistent and WTF-inducing arcs in season 1, literally going from "Rhaenyra is an enemy, she will kill my children, and I would die myself before seeing her bastard son marrying my daughter" to "You will be a fine Queen, oh why are you leaving already". From what we've seen, she is not eager to start the metaphorical blasting - but how far will Alicent's unwillingness to resort to violence go? If the show opts for making her defend Rhaenyra from Aegon and Aemond's wrath (which is not a given, but still), from where I stand, Alicent's character will be completely and utterly ruined. And it's not her I will stand with.

Alys Rivers presented as a character full of mystery and dangerous charm. Her playing mind tricks on Daemon and driving him nearly crazy (crazier than he already is, that is) will probably establish her as someone to be reckoned with. I don't think her character will be given much depth this season (if only for the lack of screen time) but the teasing of Alys having something deeper about her than just being "a weird witch woman" might be there.

And the Blacks? Well, in spite of Ryan Condal and Co droning about how "the writing is unbiased, and there is no right side in the Dance. and the story is full of grey characters", I think they (save for Daemon, most likely) will remain their the-true-Queen-Rhaenyra-supporting, righteous selves. Jace, Baela and Rhaena apparently will get some personal character development this season; but will it be enough to make them less of Rhaenyra's appendages and more of characters in their own right? I have my doubts but we`ll have to wait and see.

#asks #hotd #house of the dragon #hotd season 2 #team green #aemond targaryen #aegon ii targaryen #alicent hightower #criston cole #alys rivers

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mmani-e · 1 year

Text

Disco Elysium-Inspire Skill Portraits for Danganronpa, Part 1: Intellect

I just recently finished Disco Elysium and I adore the game so so much. I'm so autistic for the skill portraits they make me go CRAZY!! So I decided to combine it with my favorite fandom hehe.

Individual images + descriptions and extras under read more

[CASE-SOLVER] (Represents LOGIC in DE)

Each deduction a step towards the exit. Each case, a leap.

Cool for: Thinkers, Puzzle Wizards, Detached Investigators

It is the deep and primal urge in you to take in every detail, check every little nook and cranny of every room, and pick apart the testimonies of your friends. You can't help but feel like you've been walked through these sorts of things before. You wonder why.

At high levels, you will be able to solve every case with even the most minor of clues, or at the very least try your best. You'll be picking apart your friends' statements, even in simple conversation, making you just delightfully insufferable. At low levels you'll have a hard time with even 9-piece puzzles and asking people smarter than you what anything means.

[CREATIVE RE-ASSEMBLY] (Represents CONCEPTUALIZATION and VISUAL CALCULUS)

The gift of spatial awareness and the capacity for creativity.

Cool for: Artists, Whoever is reading this, Whoever is typing this

You feel yourself as not exactly an artist, but something close. A conoissuer of all things pure and beautiful in the world, an observer to the finer details of the media you consume, you can pick apart everything and reconstruct already existing concepts in your head with ease and daydreams, and not just with fiction.

At high levels, Creative Re-Assembly allows you to find joy in even the smalles of details, details you easily pick-up and reconstruct in your head thanks to your particular love for the visual arts. However, you'll also become something of a recluse, as the visual arts are just so pure and delightful that you can't waste time on others, conversations that don't involve your beloved media become pointless. At low levels, you struggle with object permanence.

[ELOQUENCE] (Represents RHETORIC and ENCYCLOPEDIA)

Speak with clarity, walk with culture.

Cool for: Speakers, Smartasses, Trust Fund Kids

Eloquence is key to delivering your truth effectively and in a dignified manner befitting someone considered to be worthy of the time of Nobility, granting you access to good breeding and manners, along with confidence in your speech and the knowledge to back it up.

At high levels, Eloquence will allow you insights and knowledge on the wider, educated world, along with a dignified and refined manner of conversing that makes people really listen. You will become a proud, honorable man, and your voice will become so proud and powerful that it will even be audible from all the way up your ass: where your head is most commonly situated. At low levels, you'll be a boorish negotiator and an unenlightened swine, unable to hold a conversation without resorting to multiple "likes", "umms", and "w-well, uhh-"s.

[JIKKO] (Represents DRAMA)

You're a performer, now perform.

Cool for: Actors, Liars, Manipulators

A killing game is a game nonetheless, and there is no greater tool to a performer's toolbelt than their ability to lie and immerse themselves in a world that cannot be. You yourself realize, maybe more than anyone, that this whole thing is a sham, a show, and not just the killing game. Everyone is always hiding their true selves.

At high levels, Jikko makes you a master of dramatics, capable of telling when others are lying with ease. High levels also make you an insufferable drama queen, making a mess out of anyone and everything just to keep the spotlight on you for that much longer, deny it all you want, but fame feels good. At low levels you'll have trouble picking out the most obvious lies apart, you cry when people tell particularly nasty yo mama jokes.

EXTRAS

#danganronpa #danganronpa art #fan art #kyoko kirigiri #hifumi yamada #byakuya togami #junko enoshima #disco elysium #disco elysium skills #my art

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couldawouldashoulda50 · 2 months

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That was hot since we’re on a smutty role you know William is trying to restrain himself from fucking her on the golf course they got an audience and here she is testing his patience and limits by giving a good view of 🍑 and she sending him pics cause she’s being a little brat his brat 🔥

This may not be exactly what you had in mind nonnie, but Loren has to ease into channeling her inner brat 😉 She first needs a little help from a friend to show her how it's done. Lastly, I'm sorry these get a little long - I apparently don't know how to stfu sometimes.... 🤐

William is used to having to restrain himself from fucking Loren in most public situations.

Food shopping. Brunch. A get-together at a friend’s apartment.

An exclusive golf course during a quick couple’s getaway with David Pastrnak and his wife.

Long time brothers from another mother, David and William were keen to introduce their respective ladies to each other. David and Rebecca met Loren during her first stay in Stockholm, and it was clear from the onset that the two ladies didn’t ‘just get along’. They seem to bring out the more daring, sassy and fun sides of each other’s personality.

On the day the four arrived at the resort, there were two large events taking place. The women to men ratio - it was evident that the men had no shortage of gorgeous women to gawk at.

Later in the evening, Loren and Rebecca continued to get ready for dinner in their suites, while William and David headed to the bar for drinks while they waited.

As Loren and Rebecca walked into the busy restaurant, they eventually spot their men at the bar.

The ladies both scoff and roll they eyes as they witness William and David being their friendly selves while being surrounding by some adoring female fans. They can’t help it. They’re both charming, bordering on flirtatious - as unintentional as it is, that’s just how they are.

Rebecca notice Loren was a little rattled seeing all the women that were surrounding her beau. Rebecca gives her a pep talk and tells Loren to try and follow her lead. After all, she’s been with David for many years…this scene is nothing new to her.

The whole evening, the ladies are very attentive to their men. Of course, it spanned well into the after hours where Loren tended to William orally - after which, he fell asleep, leaving Loren unfulfilled.

In the morning, Rebecca texted Loren to wear the new golf outfit they bought together, but cover it up with track pants and a sweater.

They get to the course, and both Rebecca and Loren discard their sweats, donning their new golf attire. Rebecca’s in a form fitting white shorts and a white v-neck sleeveless golf shirt and Loren’s in a little black skort with the hem just covering the apex of her thighs and a tight white tank top. Loren’s natural and full breasts look simply magnificent in this tank.

William looks flustered especially when he sees other golfers rubber-necking after Loren as they walk to their cart.

“You look….” William makes the ‘whoa’ expression as he looks her up and down.

Loren approaches him and smiles seductively as he puts on his golf glove. She runs her hand over his covered chest and torso and murmurs “so do you….” and lightly kisses his cheek. At the same time, she reaches her hand around and gave his ass a little squeeze.

At the first tee, Rebecca was up. She gracefully leans over with her tee and her ball in her hand and inserts it into the ground. As she stands up, she gives her long hair a shake and as she assesses the fairway. She looked as enticing as a Victoria Secret model as she checked her stance and positioning before teeing off.

Loren watched how skillfully and subtly Rebecca tempted her husband from afar, and she saw David enjoying every second of watching his wife.

Rebecca hit a beautiful drive, just slightly to the left of the fairway.

David was next, and his drive was not nearly as impressive as his wife’s.

Loren was up next. Rebecca had given her a few pointers, not in relation to golf however. Arch her back. Ass out. Give the booty a little more shake than usual.

William watched as Loren leaned over to slide her tee into the ground. As if everything was in slow motion, his eyes landed squarely on that beautiful round ass, the one he had planned to grip onto the night before had he not fallen asleep.

William had only been out golfing with Loren a handful of times, but he was aware that she had skill. Today, there was a different air about her. She stood taller, more confident, and William couldn't help but melt a little looking at her. She positioned herself with her legs spread just right, doing a little of everything Rebecca suggested. William didn’t care that she seemed to be teasing him a little. He was more than happy to visualize some pre-dinner activities once they're back in their suite.

With William being William, he had to rib Loren a little bit. “Love the show but we might need to speed this up a bit.”

Loren retorted without moving from her stance or missing a beat. “I'm not fucking Patrick Cantlay....” She swayed her hips seductively as she heard the group laugh.

With the most perfect sounding “thwack”, Loren’s ball sliced through the sky, landing squarely in the middle of the fairway.

Loren would never dream of acting outwardly smug, but fuck...that drive was good. And her game only got better.

All day long, her confidence grew, and maybe a little bit of an attitude was born. Golf seemingly has so many sexual innuendos and Loren and Rebecca seemed to have thought of them all.

When William was taking a practice swing, Rebecca commented "Wow - it's got the biggest head and stiffest shaft I’ve ever seen..." William dropped his head chuckling and David muttered something under his breath.

As the group arrived at the next hole, Loren called over from the ball washer "David - I can clean your balls if you want?" Rebecca nearly choked from laughter.

Loren soon found out that teasing William plus having an outstanding round of golf made her even more irresistible to him. His hands were dipping under her skort while she drove the cart. He made lude suggestions in her ear right before she sank a 12 foot putt.

Loren and William won the round but there were no celebratory drinks following the game. David all but hoisted Rebecca over his shoulder when they returned to the resort and headed to their suite.

William on other hand was more sensual with Loren when they returned to their room. He told her to stay in her golf attire. He positioned her on the bed on all fours, and moved the fabric that clothed her pussy to the side. He edged her into oblivion with his hands, mouth and cock, praising her and showing her exactly how proud he is to have her.

#william x loren #nonnie ask 🥵#william nylander #william nylander smut #david pastrňák

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backseatbnha · 6 months

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Imagine..

a Beauty and the Beast setting. You're a writer, and you enjoy publishing books in your local rundown library, owned by your friend Shinsou.

The town's man hunk, Bakugou, loves tormenting Shinsou. Everyone admires him for his strength, his intelligence, his beauty. He slays beasts that threaten the peace of your town. He's everything BUT nice. Truth be told, he likes you - he would never admit it, and instead resorts to picking on Shinsou.

One day, you notice that Shinsou's been gone for days now, and find out from rumors around the town that he's ventured out into the old, abandoned castle not too far away from town.

You set out to go look for him, and end up in trouble yourself. You're caught by Tokoyami Fumikage, the beast everyone had told you stories about when you were a kid.

You beg him to let Shinsou go, in return you would stay here forever. After much contemplation, Tokoyami agrees, and lets Shinsou go.

Over the next few weeks, you learn more about the bird-headed man. He's quite cold, but he's definitely got a soft side to him. Over time your bond grew. He takes care of you, and you take care of him.

You learn more about him through his friends - a bunch of talking furniture. A candelabra, whose name is Midoriya. A porcelain teacup, Eri. A tea pot, Ochaco. A vintage clock, Iida.

And more. Momo the fancy wardrobe. Todoroki the refrigerator.. the list goes on.

You learned from them that Tokoyami, and all of them, were bound to a curse. They were to never leave this castle until Tokoyami found true love. And they believe that you're the one.

So they all set you two up for a night of ballroom magic. You were prettied up nicely by Momo the wardrobe. She did the same for Tokoyami afterwards.

Then you both danced the night away, and for the first time in ten years, Tokoyami felt home in this castle he calls a prison.

One day, you see orange lights outside the kingdom. It wasn't the sunrise, it was a horde of townsfolk, raising torches. They've come to rescue you. You see Bakugou in charge at the front. His trusty sidekick, Kirishima, at his side to cheer him on.

Shinsou must have called them.. You hear them scream your name. They're looking for you. And they want Tokoyami's head on a pike.

Tokoyami faces Bakugou in a battle of swords, but alas, Bakugou always gets what he wants, even if it isn't fair, and shoots him right in the heart with his crossbow.

You scream in terror as you watch Tokoyami crumple up, arms over his chest. He glances at you one last time, before he falls to the ground.

While the town celebrated their victory, you scrambled over to Tokoyami's side. You needed to take him to a healer, but with all of this blood gushing out.. you think it's too late.

You sob, a loud scream rips from your throat as Tokoyami lays quiet in your arms. You hold him close, wishing you told him how you felt before all of this happened. You cry and cry for hours on end, praying for a miracle.

And like all fairytales do, something miraculous happened. The castle around you transformed.

Dirty vines turned into pretty flowers. Cracked floors turned into shiny marble floors. The broken walls repaired themselves. The whole castle transformed to look new, and elegant as it should have always been.

You see your furniture friends transform back into their human selves. They all embrace each other happily, in tears.

Your eyes land back on Tokoyami, and his red eyes are staring right back.

He smiles, and you engulf him in the tightest embrace. You cry tears of joy, and he hugs you back with just as much feeling.

You all celebrate for breaking the curse. Everyone's dancing, having a wonderful time. The happiest everyone's been in ten years.

Tokoyami, and all his friends, are eternally grateful, and promise to make you the happiest, just like you did for them.

AKA me wishing someone will write a Beauty and the Beast AU of BNHA,,, a Tokoyami x Reader especially

#tokoyami fumikage x reader #tokoyami fumikage #boku no hero academia #x reader #bnha x reader #midoriya izuku #todoroki shouto #eri #ochaco uraraka #momo yaoyorozu #iida tenya #bakugou katsuki #kirishima eijirou #au #bnha au x reader

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chipika · 8 months

Text

Monkeys Observation Diary

Gojo/reader/Geto

Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.

——Matthew 7:15

01-Monkeys Observation Diary

From a young age, you have enjoyed observing others.

You always notice details that others wouldn't, such as someone subconsciously touching their nose when feeling uncomfortable, the slight upward turn of the corner of someone's mouth when lying, the lack of genuine laughter in someone's eyes, which appear stagnant like a still pool.

When you were a kid, you would often accompany your parents to various parties and gatherings. In these grand occasions with many distinguished guests, people seemed lively and immersed in an atmosphere of nobility and joy. However, most of the conversations revolved around trivial matters. Adults liked to showcase their wealth through subtle details, such as prestigious watches, lapel pins, and tie clips (truly wealthy individuals never flaunt their wealth ostentatiously; that's something only nouveau riche would do). Children, on the other hand, were more direct. They would babble about the new and exciting toys their parents bought for them, and then another child would claim that their new toy was more expensive than the one mentioned before, leading to a competition of whose parents purchased the pricier toy. Essentially, adults and children are the same at their core. One could even say that children are a reflection of their parents, as they unconsciously learn from their parents' behavior and replicate it when interacting with others, especially peers. Whether adults or children, they all find joy in showcasing their status, reputation, and wealth. Ultimately, they seek validation from others to establish their self-identity. Their entire belief system is built upon gaining recognition from others, and this is what we call vanity.

It's not just the wealthy; you notice that most people are this way.

People always believe that the image they present to the outside world is more important than their true selves. They place great emphasis on others' opinions and strive tirelessly to receive praise, even if the end result may not align with their expectations. Ultimately, this stems from their own self-doubt, which is rooted in human nature's ignorance. In reality, the majority of people in society are dirty, despicable, shameless, base, arrogant, greedy, and lazy, always seeking trouble where there is none. The remaining few pretend to be "untainted by the mud" but may secretly be even more base and arrogant. They create their own clique, characterized by hypocrisy.

Similar behavior can be observed among chimpanzees, although their behavior is more primitive. A group of chimpanzees is ruled by the most mature and powerful male individual, establishing a social hierarchy from the highest-ranking ("alpha male") to the lowest. The dominant male carefully establishes and maintains his position within the hierarchy, primarily through displays of power, such as baring his teeth, pounding tree trunks, shaking branches, and throwing large rocks. Lower-ranking males and females usually respond with submissive and appeasing gestures to confirm their position. Even the contests between males for dominance can be seen as displays of prowess, as both sides try to impress the other with their strength without resorting to physical combat, until one side concedes in a submissive posture. However, in rare cases, these struggles are decided through physical fights, where battles involve beating, kicking, and biting, often resulting in severe injuries or even death. From this, it is evident that humans and chimpanzees are fundamentally the same, although they display their behaviors differently.

You discover that everything people wholeheartedly, tirelessly, and against all odds strive to pursue ultimately boils down to seeking the praise and admiration of others. Positions, titles, wealth, and social status are all just means to gain more respect from others. In this aspect, humans are as foolish as chimpanzees. It is a weakness in human nature, perhaps a result of civilization and social evolution. After all, humans are social beings and naturally seek the approval of others within the group. This emotion can be considered a powerful tool for those who wish to control others. Among various methods of "shaping" individuals, maintaining and reinforcing a sense of honor hold significant positions.

To verify this idea, you once conducted an experiment. You chose a male classmate from the same primary school as you, similar in age but a few months older. He came from a comfortable middle-class family, with both parents working as white-collar professionals. Though not particularly wealthy, they lived a decent life. There was no specific reason for selecting him as the subject of your experiment, except that he had once lent you an eraser during an exam.

The experiment was straightforward. You continually showered him with unrealistic praises. For example, if he achieved good grades in a test, you would compliment him on how smart he was, even better than you. In reality, you deliberately performed poorly on the test and asked for his guidance, creating an illusion that he was superior to you. Slowly, he started to believe that he was indeed a genius, while you appeared to be dependent on him, incapable of anything.

When the actual exam came, you scored a perfect grade while his score was lower than yours. Seeing someone he considered inferior outperform him, he fell into self-doubt and frustration. At that moment, you consoled him, saying it was just a fluke and that he would surely do better next time. However, his performance remained consistently poor in subsequent exams.

After experiencing repeated failures, his confidence suffered severe blows. It was then that you told him, "Perhaps this is as far as your abilities go," completely negating the "genius" persona you had built for him. His entire belief system was destroyed by your words.

Later, he stopped coming to school, and you didn't know what happened to him. You only heard from his mother that he seemed to be facing mental issues, not speaking anymore, becoming a complete wreck.

After this, you made another friend, but you didn't conduct the same experiment on him because you had already successfully validated your idea, and there was no need for another experiment. This friend was naive and obedient in nature, while you, deep down, harbored a tyrannical streak. You wanted to control his soul without any restraint, to mold him into what you desired. However, as soon as he obediently followed your lead, you immediately began to resent him and pushed him away. You loved his compliance, but at the same time, you hated it. You wanted him to be subservient to you, yet you also wanted him to disobey you. Yes, the process of shaping him was interesting, but the outcome was utterly boring. If he had eventually bitten back at you, you would have been even more delighted.

However, later on, you encountered someone fascinating – someone more genuine than anyone you had met before. He never concealed his thoughts and was truly consistent in his words and actions. In fact, he saw through your facade the first time you met him. That person was Gojo Satoru, the pride of the Gojo Family, the wielder of the Six Eyes, and someone who had been worth billions on his head since birth.

You met Gojo Satoru at a gathering when you were both kids. Your initial impression of him was that, like you, he was a loner. He disregarded the flattery of adults and didn't play with children of his age. He sat alone, playing with his Game Boy, emanating an aura that set him apart from everyone else. In short, he was an outsider.

Throughout the entire event, the only outsiders were Gojo and you. However, unlike him, you didn't isolate yourself with an air of superiority. To maintain good interpersonal relationships, you still participated in necessary social activities. Whatever you were thinking, as long as you played the role assigned to you by society, you could peacefully see off each day.

When facing others, you would put on a smile, accompanied by appropriate body language, while suppressing your own emotions and feelings, compressing your own space entirely. This way, you could expand the other person's space until it enveloped yours. Only then could they accept you, trust you. Everyone wants to be seen, heard, and valued, and you used this to manipulate others, but it was difficult for them to perceive it.

On normal days, no matter who you talked to, you would wear a smile, but deep inside, there was no joy. Gojo saw through this the first time he spoke to you. Nobody else had seen through your act, but Gojo had. At that time, you speculated that maybe his Six Eyes could even see through people's hearts.

"Can you stop smiling? Your fake smile is disgusting."

Gojo suddenly approached you, his expression void of emotion as he spoke. You thought he must be mocking you internally, just like how you mocked others.

Since then, you two would occasionally exchange a few words. Although this can't even be called a "friendship," only when chatting with Gojo, you don't have to disguise your expression. If it were someone else, they would surely wonder why you have a poker face. But Gojo is different; in front of him, your expressionless face is forgiven.

Perhaps for the same reason, he chose you as his chat partner when he's bored.

You thought you might want to transform him into the image you desire, but you didn't. He is already perfect, exactly the way you want him to be – he despises his surroundings, proudly detaching himself from this environment entirely. Moreover, he is the first person to see through your mask, and he unhesitatingly tears it apart. He is the person you have been searching for, a perfect subject of your observation.

And his eyes, oh, you love his blue eyes, which resemble the sky stretching infinitely into the distance. If he ever chooses to leave you, there's no telling whether you would dig out his eyes and preserve them in a glass jar for your solitary admiration.

Gojo is someone who enjoys eating sweets, to the point of an abnormal obsession. Since he has no other chat buddies besides you, he often drags you along to eat desserts, sometimes even going to several places in a single day. In the end, he becomes the only one eating the sweets, while you serve as a mere companion. It doesn't bother you, though. For you, it's an opportunity to observe Gojo up close, and for him, it's having someone to accompany him. It's a win-win situation, and you don't see anything wrong with it. After all, in the end, you both are just utilizing each other to satisfy your own desires.

Towards the end of winter vacation, Gojo called you out again. You went to Shinjuku, where various shops lined the bustling streets. The clear sky, trimmed by the scenery and tree of the street, glowed with a mysterious and distinct radiance. You could feel the apricity on your head. But besides the sun, you could also sense two intense gazes. These gazes were not the casual glances of passersby but rather the kind that stuck to you like goldfish droppings, or rather, stuck to Gojo.

The thought of the subject you were observing being observed by others stirred up a muddy emotion deep within you. However, you still spoke in a cold and indifferent tone, saying, "Looks like someone has their eyes on you, Satoru." Since Gojo call you by your first name, you also referred to him as "Satoru" (Note: In Japan, it's customary to use someone's first name directly only when you have a close relationship).

"I know." Gojo responded nonchalantly. Then, he suddenly stopped walking, glanced at a building behind him, and turned back, clicking his tongue. "What are those small fry staring at?"

At that very moment, those gazes disappeared.

"They're probably assassins looking to claim a reward using your head." you said.

"From your tone, it seems like you're finding joy in someone else's misfortune?"

"Not at all," you replied, "If even someone like me can sense their presence, it just proves that they're nothing more than that level. I know you won't be killed by those kinds of people, without a doubt."

Gojo let out a disdainful snort. "Why are even you starting to flatter me?"

"It's not what you think," you shook your head. "I genuinely believe you're strong, a person who's perfect in everything except for your personality."

He pouted in dissatisfaction. "What do you mean by that last statement, you bastard?!"

"Am I wrong?" you tilted your head and asked, looking at him.

Your words left Gojo speechless. Seemingly aware of his own shortcomings, so hedidn't respond to you.

Then, the two of you fell silent for a while and slowly entered a café on the upper floor of a building. It was lunchtime, and the café was bustling with customers. The staff were busy, but they still managed to find you and Gojo a window seat. As soon as you sat down, Gojo didn't even glance at the menu and ordered a caramel banana waffle with Hokkaido milk ice cream.

"Do you come here often?" you curiously asked.

He chuckled. At this moment, the usually mature young man showed an expression befitting his age. "First time here, but I looked up information online beforehand. The caramel banana waffle with Hokkaido milk ice cream here is delicious."

"You really came prepared." you said as you picked up the menu and looked at it.

The menu was handwritten, and based on the handwriting, there was a good chance it was written by a girl. Moreover, the menu had a spray of lavender-scented perfume.

"I'll have a French apple pie with vanilla ice cream, please." you smiled slightly at the female waitress.

"Sure, please wait a moment." the waitress replied with a smile and then walked away.

Gojo looked at you, raising his eyebrows slightly, displaying a look of surprise. "Your fake smile has improved," he remarked.

You laughed. "Are you praising me or mocking me?"

"A bit of both." he said. "But I've always wondered why you always try to please others. Do you really want to fit in with them? Yet deep down, you clearly look down on them, don't you?"

So, look like I'm being observed, you thought. But you didn't feel offended at all; instead, you found it intriguing. You wanted to know what conclusions Gojo had drawn from observing you.

"Why do you think that?" you countered.

Gojo frowned impatiently. "I'm the one asking you questions! Didn't your teacher teach you not to answer a question with a question?"

"I'm emulating Socrates. Wasn't he fond of using questioning to guide students to find answers?" you replied.

"Stop babbling and answer my question."

"If you continue like this, no girl will ever like you, you know?"

"I don't care if anyone likes me," Gojo turned his head away, muttering, "I don't like anyone else either."

Although he said so, you still noticed a hint of melancholy on his face. While he may not be aware of it, deep inside, he desires to be liked and loved. After all, he's still just a child, at an age where he needs affection. The love he seeks is not the love given by his family, not the love that stems from being the Six Eyes' bearer; it's the love given because he is Gojo Satoru. This is the conclusion you've reached after months of observing Gojo Satoru and his family. It's the imperfection that inadvertently revealed itself after getting to know Gojo Satoru.

The atmosphere seemed to call for a good performance.

"To be honest, I quite like you." you said with a serious expression.

Upon hearing your words, Gojo expressed a look of disgust, his once handsome face wrinkling. "That's so gross."

You locked eyes for a moment, then burst into laughter simultaneously. The surrounding customers cast strange glances at you, but you paid no attention, laughing heartily in your chairs.

"To be honest," Gojo laughed so hard he couldn't catch his breath, tears streaming down his cheeks, "I can't imagine you liking anyone, even me. The person you would like must be a weirdo."

"So, this is how you perceive me? Truly disappointing." you shook your head. "I genuinely like you, you know."

"Who are you trying to fool?" Gojo said, wiping away his tears and winking at you. "Weren't you just asking me why I think you try to fit into other people's circles when deep down, you clearly look down on them? It's because I've seen the pain in your eyes when you talk to others."

"Pain?" you asked.

"That's right." he nodded. "The first time I saw you, I thought you were strange. You gave me a sense of disharmony."

"Hm. Is that so?" you said thoughtfully.

"Then tell me, why do you torment yourself like this? Are you a masochist?" he joked.

"Shut up." you laughed. "I'm not torturing myself, and I don't have any intention of fitting in with them. I simply believe that the smartest way to live is to disdain the trends of that era while still living within their boundaries."

Gojo silently gazed at you for a while, then dramatically sighed, spreading his hands and saying, "I really can't understand you."

You smiled and said nothing.

You had never thought of making Gojo understand you, nor had you ever thought of making anyone understand you. If one day the people around you found out that you were a cold, merciless person, how difficult would it be to continue living? In comparison to the present, which situation would be more lonely? You pondered, realizing that there probably wouldn't be much of a difference.

As you contemplated this question, the waiter brought your meals to the table.

#anime #jujutsu kaisen #jjk x reader #gojo satoru #gojo satoru x reader #gojo x you #geto suguru #geto x reader #lobotomy kaisen #i need a trepanation #SoundCloud

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