#they used to be able to fit when they were smaller but they’re in denial about how much they’ve grown

[maybeicanbesaved]

all five of my kitties were trying to squish into the top perch of the cat tree and okay it made my morning about 60% better just bc

[jackrrabbit]

Clean /// Sakusa x f!Reader (18+)

Summary: [College dorm AU] Sakusa can’t stop thinking about you in the shower.

A/N: Indirectly inspired by @seita​ and @bakatenshii​, who made me think about soap and Sakusa’s cum in conjunction…thanks guys :P

Tags/warnings: masturbation, mild cleanliness fetish if that’s a thing?, Sakusa wants you and is in deep denial about it

It’s not like he started doing it on purpose. Not at first.

On weekdays, you wake up at the same time that Sakusa gets back from the gym: 7 AM exactly. He timed it that way because they clean the dorm bathrooms at 6:30—they’re still revolting, but they can’t be as bad as the ones at the gym. He can avoid touching the stall walls if he has to, and…he has to. 7 is the perfect time—even the students with 8 AM class can’t be fucked to wake up that early, so he gets the row of mirrors and stalls to himself.

Except for you.

Your room is right next to the stairwell; when Sakusa jogs up the stairs (two at a time, blood still pumping from his workout even though the sweat is already cooling on his back) he can hear your alarm through the thin wall. Always 7 on the dot: your phone blares an obnoxiously loud ringtone, there’s a muffled protest from you and your roommate curses at you to turn that shit off, it’s seven fucking AM. By the time he’s standing at the bathroom sink brushing his teeth, you’re usually pushing through the door in your pajamas, holding your towel in one hand and rubbing your puffy eyes with the other.

So it’s not like Sakusa plans this. It’s a coincidence. Mostly.

“G’morning…Kiyoomi.” You interrupt yourself with a yawn in the middle of the sentence. Your voice sounds heavy with exhaustion and he wonders, not for the first time, why you bother waking up so early. You don’t seem like a morning person.

The toothbrush is still in Sakusa’s mouth, so he just nods to greet you. You smile sleepily and then bend down to reach your bathroom locker, and—fuck, fuck, you’re wearing the shorts again, the threadbare cotton ones you wear whenever the weather gets a little warmer. They’re thin (so thin he can see the high cut of your panties underneath when they’re stretched over your ass, not that he’s looking), and they’re short.

Do you know how much you’re showing off when you bend over like that to rummage through your locker? You’re basically showing your ass off, the smooth muscle of your thighs rising up into those perfect cheeks, and between them, the dingy cotton stretched tight over your mound—

He’s not looking. He shouldn’t be looking. Sakusa lowers his gaze in the mirror to spit the toothpaste into the sink.

“Hey, can I borrow some of that?”

You’re standing at his elbow now, blinking up at him. Pleading. When he wordlessly hands over the tube, you grin, eyes crinkling up at the corners like he just offered to take your hand in marriage rather than letting you have some toothpaste that he wasn’t going to miss anyway. “Thanks! You’re the best.”

You barely know him. Sakusa’s pretty sure that these early-morning bathroom encounters are the only times you two interact.

“How was your workout?” you ask when you’re done brushing your teeth.

Sakusa has to grip the edge of the counter to tear his eyes away from you when you spit it out—white foam dribbling out of your mouth and down your chin—but that’s beside the point. “It was fine.”

“Yeah? Did you run or go to the gym?”

“Gym.” Why are you so curious? You’re too friendly.

You hum appreciatively, rubbing foamy circles of cleanser into your skin. The smell of it is light—floral, but barely. Lavender, maybe. That’s step one of your morning skincare routine, which Sakusa’s pretty certain he knows as well as you do by now. Next will be toner, and then you’ll save the rest for after your shower—but before you reach for the next little bottle in the row you’ve lined up on the bathroom counter, you turn toward him. “I should get back on a regular gym schedule too. Maybe one day I’ll go with you?”

“If you can wake up that early.” The remark must come out harsher than Sakusa intended, because you raise your eyebrows and your mouth drops open—but a second later you’re smiling again, turning back to the mirror so you can pat the toner into your skin.

“You’re probably right. I don’t know how you wake up at six in the morning every day.”

5:45, he wants to correct. But if he keeps talking to you, you’re going to notice he’s staring. So he just finishes washing his face without answering, puts his stuff back into the locker, and makes his way over to the shower stalls, leaving you and the scent of lavender behind.

There are five stalls. All open, of course. Second from the left has the best water pressure, and the one on the far right has a removable shower head and heats up the quickest. But Sakusa chooses the middle stall. For no reason. Not because he knows exactly which stall you’re going to pick, and he wants to be sure he’s in the stall next to yours when you do. He takes his time—undresses slowly, folding his dirty gym clothes even though they’re going straight into the laundry; sets his shampoo and conditioner and body wash out on the bench in the order that he’s going to use them; turns the knob to just the right angle to get the right temperature and waits for it to heat up until he can see the steam saturating the air.

By the time Sakusa’s under the water, massaging shampoo through his hair and feeling the sweat slough off his skin along with the shower spray, you’re done with your pre-shower skincare, padding over from the sinks to the stalls and picking—predictably—the one next to his. He has to strain himself to hear it over the sound of splashing water but he does hear it: your cheap pink flip-flops slapping against the tile floor, the relieved yawn in your breath as you stretch (you always stretch) and the soft rustling of fabric as you take off your clothes and deposit them in a heap on the bench.

Sakusa tilts his head up into the shower spray and feels the stray drops clinging to his eyelashes and wonders how much he’d be able to see if the walls were made of glass.

Today is Wednesday, and that means you’re going to wash your hair today because you always wash it on Wednesdays. Sakusa can already smell the shampoo you use filtering into the air. What is it? Sharper and more bitter than mint, medicinal almost—he’s considered asking you a few times what it is, but he can’t figure out a way to phrase the question.

Hey, (Y/N), tell me what product you use to wash your hair. Ever since I started jacking off in the shower to you, I can’t get off unless I’m smelling it.

That probably wouldn’t go over well.

Fuck, he’s already hard. The heat of the shower is nothing compared to the heat of his blood pumping down to his cock. Sakusa rinses through his hair quickly, freeing up his hands so he can palm his shaft and give it a tentative stroke.

Through the shower wall you give a light, soft sigh of appreciation, and Sakusa feels his cock jump in his hand. You prefer your showers hotter than he does—white puffs of steam are rising up over the gap between the stall divider and the ceiling, and you always come out flushed. The heat must feel nice, hm? He can almost see you, standing naked under the shower head in just your stupid pink flip-flops, letting rivulets of water drip down from the crown of your head to flow lower…over your shoulders, your back, your tits; your fingers lathering the shampoo through your hair, soap bubbles washing the grease away from you, draining away yesterday’s grime so you’re all fresh and squeaky clean.

You sigh again, and your voice is pushing out behind the breath. A moan, almost. Do you ever touch yourself in the shower? He’d be a hypocrite to think you shouldn’t be able to take advantage of this rare moment of privacy…it’s so hard to get time to yourself in the dorms, he can sympathize… So maybe you let your hands dip lower while you wash, shift your thighs apart so you can fit your fingers between them. Pet that puffy little cunt, push your fingers inside, feel your slick wash off in the water just to be replaced with more.

Sakusa wraps his fingers around his cock and slides his hand up the shaft, moving slowly so he can savor the light friction. Your hands would be soft, wouldn’t they? Softer than his. You don’t have calluses like he does—all that lotion you use must be doing you some good. And your hands are a lot smaller than his are…you’d probably have trouble getting one hand all the way around. You’d have to use both hands to hold him, hold his cock and pump him, jack him off…

If your hands are too small for him, what about your mouth?

The shower is so warm and you’re so close. Sakusa closes his eyes so he can breathe in that sweet medicinal smell and imagine you in here with him.

Your mouth. Soft lips, no makeup, just your natural color dampened from the water and your spit and his precum, closed around him, stretched around him to accommodate for the mass of his cock sitting in your mouth. Little pink tongue flicking out to tease the tip, lapping flat at the underside and then kissing it. You’d be a tease, a fucking tease. Looking up at him with those eyes, batting your eyelashes over your dewy-wet cheeks as you try to swallow him a little deeper. He’d tangle his fingers around the back of your head, push the strands of wet hair away from your face, pull your mouth up and down on his cock while the water splashes down around the two of you—

There’s a click of a cap popping shut and your shoes smacking wetly against the floor while you reach over to grab another bottle. You’re humming to yourself—a song Sakusa’s heard on his friends’ playlists and at parties but he doesn’t know the lyrics. Sometimes you sing in the shower (always softly, under your breath, so quiet he’d barely be able to hear if he wasn’t listening) but today you just hum. Maybe you’d sing out loud if he wasn’t there?

You’re probably being considerate to him...you do seem like the type. After all, you must be as aware of his presence three feet away from you as he is of yours. You probably think about him in the shower too.

Sakusa’s hips buck forward, pushing his dick through his hand as he pumps it with no real technique or rhythm, just trying to match the pace of his breathing to what he can hear of yours. The heat of his impending climax is coiling low in his belly, even though it hasn’t been long—it never takes long when he’s thinking about you. You’ve practically become a part of his own morning routine, to the point where he couldn’t even get off when he went home for spring break a few weeks ago. When the two of you move out of the dorms and go your separate ways, it’s going to be annoying. He should really stop this, wean himself off you while he can…not that he really wants to.

Your voice isn’t bad when you sing, but it’d be a lot better moaning his name.

People fuck in the showers. Sakusa knows that, he’s heard them himself and always been acutely disgusted at the filth of it all. Dorm bathrooms are notoriously foul—there’s a reason people wear shoes when they’re showering, and the thought of people actually fucking in here makes his skin crawl. But with you? He can see it, he can feel it—the soft fat of your thighs in his hands, skin dimpling under his grip as he holds you up; your arms twisted around his neck hugging into him; the hot water streaming over both of your bodies as his cock slaps into your pussy, burying into that tight wet heat.

Sakusa grits his teeth to stifle a groan and wonders if you heard it, and then he’s feeling around for the memory of your sleepy “Good morning, Kiyoomi” and warping your voice in his mind until he can almost hear your lips wrapping around his name, panting it, whimpering it, choking it out between pleas for him to fuck you harder—Kiyoomi, please, fuck me fuck me just like that, fuck my little pussy til I can’t walk straight Kiyoomi I need you!

God, he wants to hear it, he wants to say your name, wants you to know he’s jacking off to you. Sakusa’s hand speeds up and his hips are thrusting into his fist, the water making wet clicking noises every time his cockhead moves up past his fingers as he imagines fucking you right here in this shower. He’d make you cum, make you clench and tighten around him, make you wake up the entire goddamn floor with your screaming, and—fuck, he’s mouthing out the syllables, and then he can hear his own voice out loud and he’s saying your name—

“K-Kiyoomi?”

Your actual voice—lifted, high and clear as a bell ringing even stifled by the stall and the rushing water hits Sakusa and he flinches—and cums, cock jerking under his grip as the sticky white fluid shoots out to coat his hand. It’s good, so good, so fucking good, you said his name, you said it, fucking perfect—the release passes over him so forcefully that he has to hold his breath to bite back the stuttered hiss of pleasure from deep in his throat.

“Kiyoomi?” you ask again from the other stall, voice uncertain. “Did you say my name? I thought I heard you…”

It takes him a long moment to catch his breath, and another to work up enough control to straighten and raise his hand to the spray, letting the cum wash off his skin and down the drain in cloudy white trickles. “I didn’t.”

“Oh, sorry! Guess I imagined it.” You’re back to your cheerful self, humming that brainless melody and soaping yourself up without a care in the world. So gullible. Like always. And it’s not like Sakusa wanted to get caught, but…he can’t help wondering what you’d do if you knew.

Maybe you’d hate him. Maybe you’d call him a creep, stop showering when he does, avoid his gaze when you pass each other in the halls.

Or maybe you’d be into it.

Sakusa finishes his shower at the same time you do, so he can catch you just as you step out of the stall. “Oh—“ you start, barely keeping yourself from bumping into his chest. “Oops!”

Your face is stained pink from the heat of the shower…or maybe it’s the way you’re staring at his bare chest that’s making you blush. Sakusa’s not flattering himself—he knows he’s good-looking, knows what the years of athletics have done for him, and you are staring—but just for a moment before you catch yourself and right your gaze back up to his face, absently watching him towel off his hair. The fact that you let your eyes stray a little gives him permission to do the same, so he takes a moment to examine the lines of your shoulders, your soaked hair sticking to your neck, the dip of your cleavage under the fluffy white robe you’re wearing.

You smell good, all soft and wet and clean. Sakusa can’t help imagining if you taste that good, too.

“Um…s’cuse me,” you say after a moment when he doesn’t move to let you pass through the walkway. You could try to skirt around him, but he’s so big.

“What shampoo do you use?”

You blink and pat your hair self-consciously. “It’s, uh, tea tree oil? It has peppermint and lavender and stuff too I think, it’s really good for waking up in the morning—sorry, I know some people don’t like the smell—“

“No, it doesn’t bother me.” Sakusa’s eyes narrow before he steps out of the way to let you walk past.

I like it, he wants to add. But he doesn’t.

[robotslenderman]

Someone on Reddit was asking why labels were important and I went into a whole goddamn essay because my Vyvanse is kicking in.

TLDR - Labels are important for communication. Without communication, we are isolated. Sexuality is so fundamental to our experiences as human beings that being able to describe those experiences succinctly can mean the difference between feeling isolated and feeling connected. Also sneering at ace people for microlabels dismisses the asexual experience as so unimportant that we SHOULDN'T be able to describe our exact experience of it, when discussing asexuality often requires these labels because of how varied and complicated the asexual experience is.

I've been waffling on the fence about microlabels but I've decided that no, microlabels aren't overthinking it, for the reasons I discuss below. In the past I've reblogged things saying that microlabels are about isolation instead of connection, that further dividing our sexuality into smaller and smaller boxes creates increasingly exclusive clubs.

I no longer believe that. I believe it does the opposite. I believe that being in touch with your sexuality just as much as you need to helps you connect to others even outside your microlabel, not just within it, because then it makes it clearer to everyone involved what experiences you have in common and makes it easier to set aside the ones you don't.

You don't understand how important labels are until you've struggled without one. It's human nature to use language to describe our experiences, and when we don't have the language to do so it is stressful and isolating. Because language is how we connect to other people, so when we can't use easy language to summarise our experiences, it becomes isolating.

My personal experience - I struggled with my asexuality for years, even before I began to realise that I was asexual. Even once I started letting myself admit it, I didn't feel that the word "asexual" was enough. Sure, I could explain to people "I'm asexual and don't want to have sex, but I love sex in theory and in novels and I love reading about romance and daydreaming about them, but don't want a relationship." That's a very specific type of asexuality that people don't think of when they hear "asexual". People hear "asexual" and think "doesn't like sex."

But people use labels because others don't want to stick around and listen to your dissertation on what your sexuality actually is, they want bite sized information as soon as possible and sometimes YOU want to describe who you are without spending a ton of time explaining it. It's not just because I want to understand myself, it's because I want other people to, too, and labels is how we communicate. It's the fundamentals of how language works. Labels are so important that they consist of two entire grammatical categories - adjectives and nouns.

So when I found out about aegosexuality? I was like "oh thank god, I'm not a broken asexual, I'm this specific TYPE of asexual."

Most people haven't heard of aegosexuality. I used to actually roll my eyes at microlabels like that, thinking it was needlessly self absorbed and pretentious. But now I get it. Now I have the ABILITY to summarise my experiences in one word, and it turns out that having that ability to use language efficiently to describe myself has brought me quite a significant amount of peace. Because when I tell people I'm asexual, they often have a certain idea in their heads of what asexuality is, and I don't fit under most of that. Many asexuals don't, because asexuality is the most complicated sexuality there is.

But god is it fucking exhausting to say "I'm asexual" and then have to hold a fucking Q and A session about how I'm asexual and yes, I really am asexual even though I'm not adhering to someone else's idea of what asexuality is. By knowing I'm aegosexual, I can say, "oh, you're thinking of X type of asexuality, which is when you experience Y. I'm aegosexual, which means that I still get horny and love sex in fiction, but I don't personally want to experience it, unlike X type of sexuality which doesn't like sex at ALL."

And then people get it! They don't get "I'm asexual, but different." That just makes them think I'm not actually asexual, or that I'm an allo in denial who needs therapy to be "fixed". They get "I'm asexual, but this specific type of asexuality that has a name." People respond to names. People respond to labels. They GET labels, even ones they haven't heard of, even ones they roll their eyes at because they think we're over thinking it because they assume that because their sexuality is so fucking simple, everyone else's must be too.

I still tell people I'm asexual because a lot of the time my type of asexuality isn't actually important. Actually, most of the time I tell them I'm queer and leave it vague because queer is a wonderful umbrella word and my sexuality isn't anyone's business. For me, "queer" is often enough because it communicates that my experience isn't a straight one, and that's usually all people need to know.

But having that label just on *hand* that describes my experiences, and having the option to use it to people who do know what it means, and being able to hand it to people who are lost like I used to be lost -

That's powerful. It's important. It *matters*.

It's not like needing a label for yourself because you prefer pineapple on pizza, this is sexuality, this is the kind of thing that makes or breaks your experiences with other human beings. When you're straight your sexuality is so simple and easy that you don't even need to think about it. You're straight. That's easy. And as homosexuality becomes more accepted I'm seeing baby gays start to take that attitude as well because they're gay and as homosexuality becomes less stigmatised, it's allowed to become more simple.

But other sexualities don't have that luxury.

Bisexuality and pansexuality are more complicated because often people experience a split attraction model, or they don't have equal attraction to different genders and they're not fully comfortable describing themselves as bi or pan because again, people hear "bisexual" or "pansexual" and assume that you experience the same amount of attraction to different genders and it's important to be able to communicate to people that no, you don't. The whole point of using a word is so that the other people understand you - if they don't understand the word, they don't understand YOU. So I think bisexuality and pansexuality is also a spectrum in that there's different types of both depending on how your attraction works, and that it would help bi and pan people to have more specific words - using bisexual and pansexual as an umbrella term much like queer and asexual - to allow them to better communicate their experiences.

And asexuality is, I think, the most complicated sexuality of all. It's based not just on who you're attracted to, like other sexualities, but if you're attracted at ALL. No other sexuality has a footnote attached of "but this one likes sex" or "this one doesn't like sex" or "this one is indifferent to sex". Even bisexuality and pansexuality don't. It also has the contradictory feature of involving some level of attraction - demisexuals and grey aces experience attraction! Just only under specific circumstances. The split attraction model is also much more significant; whereas some bisexual people are explicitly homo- or heteroromantic, many asexuals are not aromantic, and many aromantic people are not asexual. This is far more common with us.

It's also the ONLY sexuality where the split attraction communities are actively hostile to each other. Aromantic people have lately been slinging a lot of shit at asexual people because in their need to be told apart from us (I say "us" even though I'm aromantic myself because I'm also asexual), some have gone to the extreme of showing outright hostility to asexual people and show offence for being associated with us at all. When I thought that I was bi, for example, I NEVER saw this kind of shit between homoromantic bis, heteroromantic bis and biromantic bis. Only the asexual and aromantic community has this hostility.

I respect that aros don't want people to mistake them for asexual people and that's important for the same reasons I've been discussing in this entire essay, but here I'm referring to outright hostility aimed AT asexuals because of other people's failures to understand them. "Aromanticism isn't the same as asexuality" is not hostility. Treating asexual people like garbage - or even aroace people because they dare to exist as asexual AND aromantic - is hostility. This hostility is rising.

So asexuality is deeply complicated, and when you have completed concepts, you need simple labels to communicate that. And frankly - allos don't fucking get it. Bi and pan people do to a certain level, but their sexuality, while more complicated than being gay or straight, is still not as complicated as asexuality. That's not a bad thing, having a more complicated sexuality doesn't make us superior, nor is complication the same thing as depth. Other sexualities are not shallow for lacking the same level of complication, nor should they be taken less seriously.

But it does mean each sexuality has nuance to it that you can't understand without being that sexuality, and it's vital not to fall into the same trap straight people do that your experience of sexuality applies to everyone else, of assuming that because your sexuality isn't complicated to you that it must be the same for everyone else or we're overthinking it. And it's important for us to be able to succinctly sum up our sexuality so that we can share our experiences.

People who've never faced that don't understand how important it is to feel connected to people by being able to efficiently describe yourself. To use language is to connect, to use language and labels is to communicate. Without that, it's an isolating experience, simply because people do not fucking want to hear you bring out a PowerPoint presentation to talk about yourself when they just want one word. And when you're talking about something that defines your human experience, that makes your ability to communicate it THE difference between being isolated and disconnected, and feeling human.

Having different levels of labels helps, too. Sure, I'm aegosexual, but even if most people knew what that meant, most of the time it's completely fucking irrelevant. Most of the time all I need to do is say I'm queer - because I'm communicating that my experience isn't a straight one (or a cis one, if you're queer because of your gender). Sometimes I need to say I'm aroace, or just asexual, because that's what the conversation calls for. It's only when discussing asexuality itself that I actually need to say I'm aegosexual - but that's important, too.

Discussion of asexuality is no less important than being able to say I'm ace, or that I'm queer, and a lot of allos think that distinguishing yourself from straight people is important, that distinguishing yourself from non straight people is important, but asexuality itself is so unimportant that we're not allowed to distinguish ourselves among each other. And that's just another form of aphobia. It doesn't mean that we're going "ew, we're not THOSE asexuals" like I've been seeing in the arosexual community lately, it's being able to say "this is my experience of asexuality, so I'm viewing our discussion through THIS lens, whereas you might not."

And it's so fucking typical that allos think that that shouldn't be important to us. I regret ever thinking the same.

At the end of the day, we need language. It describes our experiences, and without being able to describe those experiences, we are isolated. We need language and labels to connect.

[derekgoffard]

If you are comfortable with it ( and ONLY if you're comfortable DO NOT do anything you DON'T want to do) but 😶 can we get nsfw alphabet for Colin maybe????? Mayhaps

(Again if you're not comfy DELETE THIS ASK no one will know 🤫)

UHAUHS Thank u for ur ask aguuhs!! This was such a nice way to word this I'm- 🥺🥺 thank u for being so nice about this ask this is honestly so sweet 🥺😭😭😭❤️❤️

ALSO Im very very un-practiced in writing nsft stuff so this is more jot notes then atcual writing lol,, ( nsft under cut , tw drugging ) Gvvyvh gghh

NSFW Alphabet:

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Hes pretty good!, if he's not too exhausted himself he'll run around his apartment grabbing blankets and pillows for his partner lol! He'd ideally love to cuddle up with them after sex and watch a movie or smth but he will do whatever they want generally lol, he probably doesn't wanna leave them alone tho- hes real clingy afterwards 😔

B = Body Part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

He will tell them their hands if they ask BUT THATS A LIE LOL his favorite area of their body is probably their waist lol,,,,( if his partner has breasts it might be them too😤) his favorite part about himself is probably his hands; hes not a suppper confident guy but he likes how his hands are shaped and he loves how his fake nails give his fingers a longer look lol.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Very average, probably cums a little less then most people LOLGYD

D = Dirty Secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

HE SECRETLY WANTS TO SLIP THEM AN APHRODISIAC OR SMTH H H H HH he would never do that ESPECIALLY if he's built an atcually genuine relationship with them BUT. The idea just gets him goin vvf hhh he also probably would want to record it too, like one of those pov blowjob kinda things HHHHHH vhubbu

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

HES A VIRGIN 😭😭😭😭😭 hes had alot of practice on toys and he's watched alot of porn but with irl experience,,,he got none 😔

F = Favorite Position (this goes without saying)

Ye old doggy style and pretzel dip... He'd prefer to be on top but he's a true switch at heart,, he's also into cowgirl ( bottom ) if his partner is smaller and cowgirl (top) if his partner is bigger/has a dick/strap on

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

He's not serious at all lol! He might get kinda ? Creepy tho?? As in he might go real quiet and feel them up a bit but in general he's super nervous abt it so he appreciates a partner who makes light of the whole thing! It'll make him feel better 🥺

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

He trims often!, He has a tuff of hair down there but in general he's pretty well groomed, he would never have the balls to try and bleach anywhere near his dick so it's his og hair color ( brown )

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

He can get pretty intimate/romantic if his partner is! For him to even have sex he would probably need a good relationship with his partner; he's been lonely for so long and for him to finally have someone who he can be romantic with makes him very emotional lol!! If he gets romantic during sex he'll go really slow and probably would want to hold their hand during it lol

J = Jack Off (masturbation headcanon)

Jacks off a moderate amount; at least once a day;....he watches alot of hentai and cosplay pornos,, he also reads alot of smut lol

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

He's pretty kinky in general but his big ones are cosplay , bondage and overstimulation 😔😔😔 ideally he would like to do them all at the same time LOL. he's really into overstimulation with toys in particular 😡😔 he definitely has a thing for leaving his partner tied up the whole day on a vibrator while their in some skimpy outfit or smth hvqvyq H H😔😔 when he gets back he might wanna take a picture of them all exhausted to jerk off to later ygyvvggggg 😔😔😔😔😞😞😞

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Da bedroom..., he's pretty nervous and insecure abt this kinda stuff ( especially in the beginning) so he'd feel best somewhere secure and private; ...he's secretly got a thing for a blowjob in a public area or smth tho lol

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Colin is a simple man at heart; skimpy/sexy outfits turn him on alot, especially if it's smth he made/picked out for them 😞 showing sexual interest in him will turn him on too, aka just flirt with him LOL

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

degradation of any kind; he might be able to degrade someone if they asked for it but in no circumstances will he ever want that for himself lol,, it completely shuts him down

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

FFFFFF HAS A THING FOR FACE FUCKING LOL he would give his right arm for someone to give him oral 😭 it's a super big turn on for him and he probably fantasizes abt it alot😔 I imagine him being really into trying to give oral too; his braces will probably fuck it up alot tho 😔😔

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

His pace really depends on his mood lol; if he's feeling romantic he'll go slower and won't use any toys or anything; however 90% of the time he's gonna spend most of the duration on foreplay which gets him all riled up so when he atcually stars da fuckin he'll be pretty pent up and desperate about it😔 so on average he's going pretty fast hhh

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Likes them in concept but not in practice; he fantasizes alot about a quickie some public space like a bathroom or smth but in reality he could never do smth like that HA😔

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

He doesn't take any TRUE risks, he's open to try basically anything but he won't do anything where someone could catch them in the act

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

He can last for a while! He has a bit more stamina then an average person I'd say, however he crashes hard after pushing himself that far lol,,

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

HAS A LOT OF TOYS LOL, he has at least one of any toy that's on the market basically LOL😭😭, he bought them all in the cutest colors they were available in so they still fit his asthetic lol; at first he only bought a few ones for himself but owning so many made him feel really cool so he just kept going LOL

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Likes to tease alot; really into the whole bondage, vibrator torture, orgasm denial thing lol,,,hes not really into being teased himself tho😠 ( he is selfish 😠😠😠)

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

He's atcually pretty quiet! He yelps a bit mabye ;

W = Wild Card (a random headcanon for the character)

He can space off sometimes during sex and will start doing weird creepy shit lol, (especially if their wearing an outfit) he might start drawing his fingers up their chest or leg or smth 🤮😔

X = X-Ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

It's a bit skinny but it's average! About 5.2in

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

He can be flustered/turned on pretty easily but with no influence his sex drive is on the higher side;

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

That depends on how far he exerted himself ; if he didint go too far he'll have a good amount of energy left, but if he really exerted himself he will be sleeping before his head hits the pillow LOL

[where-theres-smoak-2]

Barchie 5x06 Review.

So I usually just do one reivew for an episode but I have so many thoughts on this episode that I decided to split it in two otherwise it’ll be way too long, I figured two smaller reviews will be easier for people to read than one novel of a review. So in this part I am just going to be talking about the Barchie content. Then I’ll post a second half covering the rest of the episode later on today. As always these are just my own interpretations and opinions and naturally there are spoilers. So if you want to know my thoughts on Barchie this episode read on.

The Teacher’s Lounge

The first scene we get of Barchie is the one where they are in the teacher’s lounge. Now I have seen some people who are disappointed or using the argument that Barchie have become only sex and that they never talk. To me though I don’t think that is true at all and this scene is proof of that. When Archie first approaches Betty they are talking about the Polly situation. Betty is confiding in her friend about what is going on in her life and is sharing her worries with him. In return he tries to reassure her and comfort her when he reminds her that Alice had said Polly would disappear for days at time before showing up again. Another thing I’ve seen some people worry about is that Barchie are just using each other as a distraction. Again I totally understand why some shippers might be worred about that. But to me I’m kinda like well yeah they are. I mean maybe I misinterpreted the situation but I kind of thought that’s what their whole friends with benefits arrangement was about. It’s a friend that you can use to help you work out your frustrations and to be a distraction for a little while. Also this idea of using sex as a distraction and coping technique is hardly a new thing to riverdale both v*rchie and b*ghead have used sex in the past to distract themselves from their problems and they were both long term established relationships, them using sex that way didn’t negate from their very real feelings for each other. So I don’t think that just because Barchie are sleeping together in an attempt to escape for a moment, that means they are doomed or that their relationship is shallow and only about sex. If anything its a good thing because it shows that when they are feeling stressed and worried its each other that they choose to turn to. I think we often get so distracted by the sex part of the arrangement that its easy to forget about the friends part of friends with benefits. 

What I did love about this scene was how cute it was. Like when he calls her Ms Cooper and just the fact that he came to check up on how her day was going in the first place was adorable. And of course I loved that little hand touch it was just so soft. I also thought their smiles and that playful look Betty gets when she’s thinking about a plan for where they can hook up was really funny.

The Titanic Sails Again.

Growing up Titanic was my favourite movie and in my young mind it was the most romantic of movies, so naturally I was thrilled about that iconic titanic moment being recreated for Barchie. At the same time I couldn’t help but laugh a little at it too. That being said there is no denying that the scene was on fire.I mean I don’t know if its just Barchie and their chemistry or if its because they’re depicting adults now or a combination of both but is it me or do these sex scenes seem so much more explicit than they used to be? I mean holy firecracker.

 I also thought the song choice was perfect. I’ll be honest I had never heard it before but I do think the lyrics and also what the song is about is significant. I talked about songs a bit before and how in tv shows the lyrics can often hold significance because the producers have to shorten the song to fit the scene, therefore they have to chose not just a song that will fit the scene but which lyrics specifically work for the scene. Obviously it was a sexy scene so they wanted a sexy song to go with it. But the song, by the writers own admittion, is a love song. Bazzi said this about the song and I just think it is so in line with Barchie at the moment  "It became more than just a love song to a girl I was with…Lyrics were just flowing out, because I had felt this certain love and acceptance from this girl, and I wanted to take that and on a bigger scale give that back to people." This is exactly how I see Barchie’s relationship, its about love and acceptance. They have always loved each other, whether that’s romantically or as best friends or both. Also they have always been supportive and accepting of each other. 

So what about the lyrics that are actually in the scene. Well like I said some of them I just think are because they go with the whole sex of the scene. I mean lyrics like ‘hit it from the back and drive you wild’ and ‘hands on your body.’ Those don’t really need much analysis, pretty damn obvious why those lyrics were chosen. I mean you can look at it as simply its a song about sex and they are having sex, its not that deep. But I actually think there are some lyrics that could indicate that there’s something deeper to Barchie. The lyrics ‘girl I lose myself up in those eyes’ for example is actually a rather romantic line about how he is enamoured with the girl and I do feel like that’s how Archie feels about Betty and always has. Also the line ‘I just had to let you know you’re mine.’ Again this to me seems deeper than just sex. I do wonder if on a subconcious level they both see each other as theirs but that they aren’t willing to admit to themselves or each other. My favourite lyrics though are ‘feels like forever even if forever’s tonight.’ To me this makes me think that when they are together they let themselves feel all of those feelings they have for each other. Just for those moments they aren’t hiding, they just feeling it all and it feels like something that can last, it feels like forever. But neither one of them is ready to confront that so instead they just settle for tonight, they are willing to take what they can for now. 

I also feel like when they choose a song they probably do so knowing that either the audience have heard it before or that they will go and listen to it in full. So maybe there are some more clues as to where Barchie are heading in the rest of the song? (Probably not, its probably me just over analysing everything as per usual but hey let me live in my land of denial a little longer, its fun here.) In the full version of the song it starts out with a speaking part where the guy announces that he’s had a bit too much to drink and now he needs to tell her how he feels. I do wonder if this will be how Archie ends up confessing how he feels, like he has a bit too much to drink maybe at this point Glen has shown up and he’s feeling some jealousy and so he just goes to her and admits to how he’s feeling? Anyway back to the song, he then goes on to talk about how much he loves her smile and how he gets lost in her eyes. Again really romantic notions that we often associate with being in love. Later in the song there’s another similar lyric ‘Even when it's rainy, all you ever do is shine.’ Again this idea of someone being the sunshine in the rain is a very romantic notion and again I do feel like this is how Barchie feel about each other and kind of ties into what I was saying above about how when things are bad they turn to each other. I mean those scenes when they are together they look happy, they are both each others sunshine when things are getting stormy. 

Throughout the song there is also alot of the idea of belonging with the other person and this idea of a long term relationship. Outside of the obvious ‘you’re mine’ lyrics and the title of the song itself. I talked a little about the feeling like forever lyrics too but there are some other lyrics that I think are important. For example ‘Man, this feel incredible, I'll turn you into a bride, you're mine.’ Again this lyric isn’t about sex its goes deeper than that this is talking about being together forever not just a fling. But I think another even more interesting lyric in the song is ‘Swear to God, I'm down if you're down, all you gotta say is right.’ I’ve said before that I think that Archie is the one that is more willing to explore a relationship than Betty right now. I do feel like this line reflects how Archie is feeling like all Betty would have to do is say the word and I think he would be all in. Now I am fully aware that I could be reading way too much into this but I just find it interesting that they chose a song for a Barchie scene that is talking about how in love a guy is with the girl he’s with and how that guy is longing for more. 

So like I said earlier there is no denying that this scene was all kinds of hot so naturally I was very amused when the fire alarm started to go off. I don’t know I just found that really funny, like a literal fire broke out whilst they were doing it. Of course this is because some Stonewall Prep footballers set a fire in the school. One thing worth noting though is that obviously those two guys saw both Archie and Betty there at the school I can’t help but wonder if they’ll go back and tell Reggie this. I mean I don’t think they will but its possible they could do some scenario where Reggie tells Hiram and considering how Archie later tells everyone that he was alone and out running when he discovered the fire, Hiram is going to know that Betty and Archie are wanting to keep things quiet and maybe he or Reggie will use it to try and blackmail Archie. Like stop what you’re doing or we’ll tell everyone about you and Betty. I mean Betty didn’t do her blouse up all the way when they came out so I think the students probably would be able to guess what they had been doing. I’m not entirely convinced on this theory but the thought did cross my mind. Speaking of Betty’s state of dress, that leather skirt and the heels with the blouse, our girl came all dressed up for Archie and I loved that outfit. Also I really loved the scene where Archie was trying to explain why he was at the school in the middle of the night to see the fire. I mean Archie does go night jogging, he has in the past at least so the excuse was a believable one but his delivery was far from smooth.

On a less fun note I have seen some people comparing the Barchie car scene with the one with Miss Grundy and that’s just not ok. They are very different situations one scene is between two consenting adults and the other was a person of authority and an adult manipulating a teenager into having sex with them. The fact that people are using that scene as a way to prop up their own ship or to try and say its evidence that Barchie are wrong is quite frankly disgusting and disturbing so please just stop.  

The Shallows.

So this was on the surface such a small scene but in truth I actually think in terms of Barchie’s relationship it was one that held the most significance. Whilst Veronica sings the lines ‘Tell me something boy, aren’t you tired of trying to fill that void.’ It zooms in on Archie’s face and you can see he is feeling some things. He is clearly got some things on his mind that have been stirred up by those particular lyrics. I said before the episode aired when I saw the clip of them in the teacher’s lounge in the promo that I wondered if Archie was already beginning to get tired of sneaking around and after seeing this episode I do think that’s the case. I think Betty and Archie have been in love with each other since the pilot, maybe even before, but they’ve spent so long pushing down those feelings and ignoring them that I’m not sure they know how to do anything else. But as a result, I think not acting on these feeling has left a void in their lives/ hearts. Now they’ve reunited and they are both single and they’ve realised those feeling are still there, but like I said, I think they spent so long denying their feelings its become second nature to them. I think they both fear losing the other if they take it to the next step and it doesn’t work out, then they’ve lost their best friend. But I also think this void they’ve created is becoming too much so they instead try to fill it by sleeping together hoping that it might be enough to make them feel more complete.

When Veronica sings the next line ‘Or do you need more?’ this time it zooms in on Betty who you see gets a little sad and looks down at the ground, like Archie those lyrics have got her thinking and feeling things. Again these lyrics are so significant and I think the mesage is pretty clear. Barchie want more with each other, as much as they are enjoying the whole FWB thing they’ve got going on they’re realising that its not enough. They are also probably feeling a lot of fear and uncertainty around that revelation. The next line Veronica sings is also very meaningful. ‘Is there something else you are searching for?” What’s really interesting to me is obviously I think this lyric is suppose to indicate that yes Barchie are searching for something other than the FWB deal they’ve got going on. But I actually think the writers show us exactly what it is Barchie are looking for. At this moment they zoom in on Kangs. I think its important that at this moment they show us a happy, stable couple, who have a deep relationship and who fell in love when they were in high school and who still had those feelings for each other all these years later. This is what Barchie want with each other.

Also the song talks about the shallows. Shallow water is indicative of safety as oppose to being in the deep end which makes you think of being out of your element or in danger. Barchie has always been associated with safety, Betty on several occasions has talked about how they feel safest with each other. I also feel like they feel safe with the whole FWB arrangement. The song continues to go on to say that they are ‘far from the shallows now’ and talking about ‘I’m in the deep end, watch as I dive in.’ This line is talking about willingly throwing yourself into the deep end, to embracing the unknown and just going for it. I do think this is suppose to tell us that this is what Barchie will do. That eventually they’ll take that leap of faith for each other and just dive in. A large part of the reason why I think this song is about Barchie despite it being sung by Veronica and Chad (well truthfully I think it had signifcance for a few couples but I’ll cover that in the other half of the review) is because one the fact that they zoomed in on them both. But two because right when the song finishes Archie immediately turns to look at Betty and she flicks her eyes to his. I think this shows that they were thinking about each other during that song. 

The Porch

Ok so now I want to talk about the scene that seems to have caused some differing opinions within the fandom. A lot of shippers are saying that the scene where Betty comes to the door and they kiss, that Archie had a strange look on his face as he closed the door after she suggested they go upstairs. Now I agree there was a strange look on his face. I did see a lot of people speculating that this was because Archie was jealous over Veronica and Chad and was distracted by that so wasn’t really that enthusiastic about hooking up with Betty at that moment. Respectfully I am going to completely disagree with that reasoning. I was actually kind of surprised when I saw so much speculation that Archie was jealous of Chad, particularly over on twitter because me personally I didn’t see any indication that Archie was jealous. He was definitely wary and suspicious of Chad and obviously still protective of Veronica but I don’t think that situation was the reason for the conflict Archie seemed to be feeling. However whilst I don’t think that Archie was jealous I do think that at some point some element of V*rchie is going to come back into play and that was being set up in this episode. One thing I noticed as I’m sure many others have is that so far the time jump has had a lot of parallels and throwbacks to season 1. But the interesting thing about these parallels is that they each have different outcomes then the original parallel. For example the scene in 5x04/05 when the core four reunite at Pop’s. This scene parallels the one, I think is in 1x02, where the core four sit together for the first time, the one where Betty and Veronica are there and then Juggie and Arch come in and Betty offers for them to join them. Both scenes are very similar but the outcomes are different, in the original scene the four of them are relaxed and laughing together, in the season 5 scene they are a little tense and its awkward. Well I think the V*rchie and Barchie storyline is going to parallel the one in season 1. I think Betty will once again feel jelaous of Veronica and Archie. I could also see Archie get confused about whether his concern for Veronica is old feelings returning or just a friendly kind of concern and whether or not what he feels for Betty is deeper or just an attraction. Basically Archie is going to find himself in the same situation he was in in season 1 but in reverse. In season one he was confused about whether what he felt for Betty was just a friend thing and whether what he felt for Veronica was something deeper or just attraction. Now I think it’ll be the other way around. Back in season 1 ultimately Archie chooses Veronica, sort of, especially after Betty shuts him down during his ‘a part of me always thought’ speech. What else I find interesting is there is another kind of role reversal here between Betty and Archie. In season 1 it was Betty who had feelings for Archie and believed he didn’t have feelings for her. I think in season 5 its Archie that has feelings for Betty but believes she doesn’t have feelings for him. I think they’ll hint at V*rchie but I don’t actually think they will put them back together. I think how it will go is Glen will show up and Archie will feel jealous when he realises that there was something between Glen and Betty. As a result he’ll start spending more time with Veronica which in turn will make Betty jealous. Evenutally in 5x10 it’ll come to a head and Archie having one too many will show up at Betty’s door and declare his feelings. But I don’t think anything will happen right there. I think Betty will just look after drunk Archie and it’ll be the next day that they’ll talk about their feelings and then get together because this time Archie will choose Betty. 

Speaking of parallels that brings me back to this porch scene. Obviously I feel like this porch scene is a parallel to the porch scene in the pilot where one has shown up at the others door. Last time it ended in rejection but this time they kiss and sleep together. Also I couldn’t help but notice that during this scene and the one where they a laying in bed together the theme playing is the same one that was played during that first porch scene, which can’t be a coincidence. Ok so what about that strange look? If its not about Veronica then what was it about. Well I think it was because Archie wants more with Betty but feels like she just sees him as a hookup. 

There was another parallel between this scene and the one earlier in the episode in the teacher’s lounge. In both scenes it starts out with Betty talking about how she is worried about Polly. Again this is showing that friends element of their relationship and how they still go to each other for comfort when things are troubling them. Archie in turn confesses that he himself was feeling crazy and frustrated and whilst I do think some of that relates back to Veronica and Chad, I mean Chad had been a huge dick to him right before this, some of it also probably had to do with Reggie and that situation, but I also think some of it is that he is frustrated about where his and Betty’s relationship is, which was brought on by him hearing Veronica sing shallow. Another parallel between the two scenes is in both it is mentioned that Jughead is out and at work. In the first scene Betty says its too risky for them to be together at Archie’s even if Jughead is out. But this time she doesn’t seem worried about it. I think she just wants to be with Archie and so just doesn’t care what the risk is. I do think this is a small indication that things are changing between them. There are more little hints in this scene too. For example unlike after the scene in the teacher’s lounge where we next see them going at it in the car, in this scene they don’t show them in the act. Instead they show them after. I actually really loved this scene, even more than the car scene. Because here they were just cuddling together, it wasn’t about sex in this moment, they just wanted to be near each other and were taking comfort in each other. I am going to come back to this moment in a bit but first I want to go back to the porch and talk some more about that. 

After talking about how he is feeling frustrated, Archie and Betty kiss. But this kiss to me seems different from the others they’ve had post time jump. For one the others were during their hookups and so were passionate and urgent. This kiss however was just so soft. I also think its worth noting that when I first saw the scene I thought it was Betty that initiated it but I actually think it was Archie. Archie takes a small step towards Betty but also as Betty moves forward you can see Archie’s shoulders move almost like he is pulling her too him. Now I feel like if it was a case of he was distracted by Veronica and wasn’t that into being with Betty he wouldn’t be the one pulling her too him for a kiss. Also Archie is the one that deepens the kiss too. Another thing worth noting is that despite Betty’s concerns about the risk and that they up until now have been very careful about not getting caught. Well they kissed each other on his porch with the door wide open. Literally anyone could have seen them. But again in that moment I don’t think they cared, I think they just wanted to be together. Also despite Betty aksing to go upstairs after I don’t feel like that kiss was meant as a prelude to sex, or that it has anything to do with sex. The kiss wasn’t passionate or heated. It was a much more romantic kiss and maybe I’m projecting but to me it seemed to be more fuelled by their real feelings for each other than by desire or lust. And this is exactly why I think Archie had that look on his face as he closed the door. I think he poured his feelings into that kiss hoping she would know and to me the look on his face was one of frustration and I think its because when she wanted to go upstairs he felt like it was a case of her only seeing him as a hookup option. However I think judging from the look on her face as she looks at him after they kiss I don’t think that is true. Again I could be projecting but to me she just looked so in love with him. 

Ok so going back to the scene where they are cuddling in bed together. Like I said they both have pensieve looks on their faces but the really sweet thing is that Archie is stroking Betty’s shoulder and Betty is stroking Archie’s side and I don’t know why but those little details made me feel all soft and gooey inside. When Betty’s phone goes off Archie is just staring at her the whole time with such a loving look, he looks completely besotted by her. Also there is that moment when Betty says that she has to go and then says ‘but this... was really nice.’ That hesitation before she says really nice, to me, showed that Betty was trying to think what ‘this’ was exactly and it seemed like she couldn’t quite find the right words to define it. Again they both just looked so in love when she was saying it. Also as a FWB type arrangement I’m not sure it was necessary for her to kiss him goodbye like that. Like the kiss on the porch it wasn’t a heated or lust fuelled kiss it was soft and tender, again as if there were real feelings behind it. Also as she goes to leave you can see Archie almost reach out to stop her and say something. It’s pretty obvious in this moment that Archie doesn’t want Betty to go and wants to say something, maybe about his feelings for her, but he changes his mind and again looks deep in thought. 

Overall I thought this was a really good episode for Barchie and I do think that they are moving more towards becoming something more than just friends with benefits. I know that there is a possibilty they might go back to the original couples but as of right now I don’t see that happening anytime soon. I do feel like as a fandom us Barchies have been let down so many times that we just expect to be disappointed but for now I’m staying optimistic and I’m just going to enjoy speculating and enjoy any scenes we get.      

[scripttorture]

I have a character who was a slave but was rescued and freed after about 2 years in slavery and eventually goes on to rescue other people in slavery. While in slavery, he was punished often with denial of food as well as being whipped and beaten when he refused to work. He also had his tongue partially cut out as a punishment. I already have a good idea about the psychological effects he is going to have, but I’m struggling with the physical effects and how long it would take to recover

Part of the answer here depends on this character’s age because while adults can generally make a good recovery from periods of starvation the effects on children (especially young children) are a lot more long lasting.

 The best places to start for the effects of starvation on adults are probably the Minnesota Starvation Experiment and the World Health Organisation (WHO, general link here, 1999 pamphlet on malnutrition in all ages here).

 Recovery is generally pretty quick unless someone’s at the point where they’re near death.

 Refeeding syndrome can be an issue in some cases (especially famine or forced labour camps) but it doesn’t have to be one here. If the character is eating normally (as opposed to being fed by IV for instance) then refeeding syndrome is less likely. My understanding is that this is because the body suppresses appetite during starvation so that it only takes in what it can manage (appetite recovers quickly as the patient regains weight.)

 There’s a detailed NHS guide to refeeding in adult here. It should give you an idea of how at risk your character is and how much food he’ll be able to handle in his first few days of recovery.

 A physical recovery period of around 1-3 months depending on the degree of starvation is reasonable. In this case by ‘recovery’ I mean being able to do normal physical activity, a return to previous healthy weight, or higher weight, return to normal appetite and nutrient levels.

 Recovery can be delayed by additional illness: it’s easier for starving people to contract diseases or infections and it takes longer for them to fight them off.

 There’s also a difference depending on whether you’re talking about a character who is consistently under fed and forced to work versus a character who is usually provided with enough food but sometimes denied food completely/on very reduced rations for periods of a few days. Consistent starvation and malnutrition is much more usual in slavery and… much more likely to be fatal.

 A character that has short periods where food is denied them (no more then two days) and is then allowed to eat as much as they want is probably not going to need hospital supervision/treatment for starvation. If that doesn’t sound like your character then the procedure is usually just to let the person eat as much as they want of whatever they want. The difficulty for people at this sort of stage is more about organising giving out food then it is about keeping doctors on hand to monitor them.

 Now I know less about this but I think there is some evidence that this sort of pattern of intermittent starvation (ie periods where the character is starved, then allowed to eat and this is repeated) can cause some pretty serious health effects. It can also make disordered eating behaviour more likely.

 On a cosmetic level it’s also linked to weight gain.

 Which ever option you’re picturing the following effects are all likely:

loss of muscle mass

lack of coordination

weaker bones

higher chance of hypothermia or heat exhaustion

fainting

poor circulation

higher chances of disease and infections

longer recovery time and more difficult recovery from disease and infections

 A survivor can get to a point where they’re no longer at immediate risk before they’re back to full health. It takes time to recover bone and muscle mass. It takes time for the internal organs to get back to normal. It takes time for enough fat to build up so a person’s body can regulate heat properly.

 There’s also a difference between someone being at peak physical fitness and getting back to average. My understanding is that if someone’s survived significant periods of starvation they’re… unlikely to reach peak physical fitness. If this character was an athlete or a super hero or otherwise had a physically demanding profession, they’re likely to notice a difference even when they’re ‘better’.

 They could improve with time and practice but they may never get back to their prior ability level.

 There’s evidence of epigenetic effects; the children of people who recover from starvation are likely to be shorter then the children of people who have never starved.

 The Minnesota Starvation experiment theorised that after a successful recovery there were few long term effects of starvation. There’s some evidence now that this was an optimistic conclusion but it’s difficult to get a clear picture because of the ethics around studying starvation.

 For young children starvation results in an adult who is:

physically weaker

less intelligent

more prone to illness

less able to fight off illness

has a shorter life expectancy

is physically smaller

 Starvation of children represents a blunting of potential: they will never reach their full strength or intelligence even if they may be stronger/smarter then some individuals. And there is really nothing that can be done to treat that. They needed food over a crucial period and did not receive it. The damage is done and can not currently be treated or healed.

 Beatings over a long period of time and forced labour both have a tendency to cause chronic pain in the joints. Shoulders and knees seem particularly common.

 There are a lot of possible causes for this sort of chronic pain. Ligament and muscle damage s possible. Beatings with objects can cause bone fragments to uh break away and lodge in soft tissues. Soft tissues around joints can be damaged.

 And there are also psychological causes or combinations of both physical damage and psychological causes.

 For instance this is something I saw in an account from a survivor of child abuse. The survivor had been punished using standing stress positions and he found as an adult that he got shooting pains in the backs of his legs while stressed at work. With the help of his doctors he found that when he was stressed he leaned forward on to his toes, mimicking part of the stress position he’d been subjected to as a child. This put more strain on his legs and caused the pain.

 These kinds of responses can be very difficult to stop.

 What I’m trying to illustrate here is that disabling pain is really common in survivors and you don’t necessarily need to know a specific cause for it.

 Chronic pain can cause long term problems to do with mobility and performing everyday activities. Most often it means that survivors need to rest more often, they may have less stamina and they might need to do things in ‘odd’/unusual ways in order to comfortably perform the activity.

 For instance someone with chronic pain in their shoulders might struggle to hang wet clothes on a line that’s above their heads. So they might get in the habit of lowering the clothes line, attaching the clothes and then raising it by pulling on the cord at waist height. They might have trouble moving their shoulder to put on jackets, so they could use their body weight to ‘flip’ the arm joint to the correct position without involving the muscles of the shoulder.

 Someone with knee pain would probably be more particular about the height of chairs in their house. They may stop keeping things in low drawers or shelves.

 Consider where your character might have pain, what activities might make it worse and life style adaptions you can work in to your story.

 These can actually be a great world building/character detail. Especially because healthy people have a tendency to assume these adaptions are eccentricities rather then necessity, prompting conversation between characters.

 There is one part of this scenario that worries me: mutilating the tongue.

 Cutting out tongues is one of those things that comes up a lot in fiction and is generally… less survivable then people assume. Tongues are not just for verbal communication: they’re a pretty essential part of how we swallow food and water, not to mention detecting whether said food/water is edible and they contain a lot of blood vessels. There’s a reason things like tongue splitting and tongue piercing don’t tend to show up as traditional body modification practices.

 The process of partially removing a tongue is life threatening in and of itself. Victims can drown in their own blood. Inflammation can block the airways causing suffocation. Infection can make breathing, eating or drinking impossible (increasing the chance of death from infection.)

 If the victim survives (some definitely did) they’d have trouble eating and drinking for the rest of their lives. This means malnutrition is likely, leading to shorter life expectancies and higher chances of disease (apart from the conditions malnutrition itself causes.)

 It also means recovery from starvation would be significantly longer. Which means a longer period when the character’s more at risk from infection and disease as well as the general uh ‘problems’ starvation causes.

 I’m not saying you’ve created an unsurvivable scenario. We know from history that some people have gone through stuff like this and survived.

 What I’m saying is the survival rate is low. Those survivors (and your character) got lucky.

 Keep that in mind when you write this scenario.

 In terms of long term recovery I honestly have no idea how a removed tongue is treated, I’m not a medic. I can guess at some lifestyle adaptions though.

 Because it makes eating more difficult I think it’s likely a survivors would have smaller meals and more frequent meals rather then large portions that might be cold/unpleasant by the time they’ve finished eating. They’d probably learn to cut their food into smaller pieces and might avoid tougher foods that require more chewing. Their sense of the taste and texture of food would be impaired which might effect their enjoyment of food which could in turn effect their motivation to eat and their recovery.

 Overall I think the take away message here is that while most of the physical long term effects of slavery are not immediately life threatening they have a massive effect on long term quality of life.

 A lot of survivors of modern slavery come out of similar time frames to this disabled by a combination of chronic pain, joint problems and untreated injury or disease.

 One of the recurring themes in Kara’s interviews with slaves is that slavery physically ages people. The combination of extreme distress, physical abuse, overwork, sleep deprivation and malnutrition makes survivors appear much older then they are.

 But the reasons why, the injuries and marks of abuse are often not immediately obvious.

 I hope that helps :)

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Disclaimer

[tasteful-robot-loving]

a prowlcoswave commission for @soundwavereporting​!

ao3 link

Sanctuary Station is somehow… less than Prowl expected, smaller than he’d thought it would be. The walls no longer have the vague purple glow that every Decepticon ship seemed to have and the lights are bright, no longer condemned to wartime regulations.

“I expected something bigger,” Prowl says, instead of everything else.

Cosmos nods—more acknowledgement than anything—and says, “This, uh, this is it for now, I think? But Soundwave said that modules could be added in the future.”

He looks awkward—sounds awkward—as if he doesn’t know what to do with himself. It’s fair, all things considered, given who they both are. A comm call won’t fix everything and neither will a single visit. But Prowl can hope it’s a start.

“Where’s—” Prowl starts. As if on cue, the door slides open. Soundwave steps into the room. “—Soundwave? Nevermind.”

“Prowl,” Soundwave greets with a subtle nod.

“Soundwave. It’s nice to see you’re still in good health,” Prowl says, though not entirely good-naturedly. Soundwave might have had his respect, but certainly none of his affection.

“As well as one can be, in this universe,” Soundwave replies, offering his servo. Prowl takes it.

Cosmos watches them concerned optics as they sift through formalities, as if afraid they’ll end up at each other’s throats. It’s not an unprecedented concern, considering who Prowl and Soundwave are, but when they release each other’s servos he seems to relax, as if the danger has passed. Perhaps it has, Cosmos knows them both better than most.

“How have you been, Prowl?” Cosmos asks as he sits down at the table tucked in the corner of the room. Soundwave himself turns to the energon dispenser. Prowl can admire that they seemed to have planned this out, even as casual of a meeting as it is supposed to be. “I heard a lot of things.”

“They’re probably all true,” Prowl admits after a moment, taking the seat across from Cosmos. “I was not… in the best of minds.”

It’s hard to admit, even in pleasant company, partially because of Soundwave and partially because of the weight of it. Even if Soundwave’s sins did outnumber his own, Soundwave had still been an enemy for a long time.

“Are you…?” Cosmos makes a vague gesture than Prowl has never been able to interpret. “You’re not going to go crazy on us, right?”

Prowl huffs out a laugh, “I’m not, Cosmos. I’d like to think I’m better now.”

“I’m glad you’re okay then. You might be a jerk, but you don’t deserve to be hurt,” Cosmos says, reaching across the table to rest his servo atop Prowl’s. Two of his digits end up framing his wrist. An old emotion flares in Prowl’s spark, one he’d thought he’d gotten rid of forever and a lifetime ago.

If Prowl were a fool—a romantic fool, young and naïve—he would claim it a perfect fit, the space between he and Cosmos. But it’s not. It’s nowhere near perfect, because Cosmos is so much larger than Prowl. He always has been. Pretending they fit together perfectly would be a fallacy.

Prowl stares for a moment before looking up at Cosmos again, meeting his optics, “It’s good to know you’re okay, too.”

He can see Cosmos’ optics crinkle in fondness, but he removes his servo in the next moment as Soundwave sits down beside them. Dutifully, Soundwave hands each of them an energon cube. He looks between him as if trying to figure something out. Prowl tries to ignore the phantom feeling of Cosmos’ servo on his.

“You’re not having any?” Cosmos asks, gesturing to Soundwave’s empty servos.

“I’ve already refueled,” Soundwave informs. “I do not feel comfort in taking off my mask in front of company.”

Cosmos’ squints suspiciously, “You take your mask off in front of me all the time.”

“That’s different,” Soundwave assures.

And Prowl gets it suddenly, this thing between Cosmos and Soundwave. He has to hold back a snort. The Autobots and Decepticons were subtle, in their own ways, but Prowl had thought the Decepticons less so. Prowl forgets they’re different too.

For the Decepticons, vulnerability and protection were love. It was the kind of connection forged in fire. Prowl had always admired them for it, as much as he loathed to admit it. For the Autobots, there were far too many mixed signals. Too many subtleties to misinterpret and get wrong.

“Fine,” Cosmos concedes. He picks up his energon, straw already in the cube. His faceplate retracts, revealing his intake port. “You’re going to have to tell me eventually though.”

“I’m aware,” Soundwave says. “Now, I believe you wanted to catch up with Prowl, correct?”

“Yeah,” Cosmos nods, taking a sip of his energon. “Did anything interesting happen, Prowl? Anything you want to talk about, I mean—I know you’re a private guy and I won’t pry this time. I’ll wait until it’s just us.”

“I’ll have to thank you later, then,” Prowl says. “But nothing you’d want to know. I didn’t see anything all that exciting.”

He doesn’t mention a lot of things in that single statement. Like Optimus Maximus or Optimus Prime. It’s vulnerability that Soundwave does not deserve. But Cosmos will get it, when they’re alone.

“Private?” Cosmos asks, tone knowing, as if to make sure.

“Yes,” Prowl says, “but tell me how you’ve been? I know we didn’t part on the best of terms and I’d like to make sure we’re still…”

He makes a wordless gesture, sipping at his energon. Words are difficult sometimes, but especially in the face of this. Beside Cosmos, Soundwave looks as if he’s reached some great realization.

“Are you courting?” Soundwave asks before either of them can say more.

Prowl chokes. The energon burns as some gets into his internal vents. The rest ends up coating his arm when he coughs.

“What?” he asks, disbelieving.

Cosmos looks just as surprised at the question, “Prowl and I are definitely not courting. He’s Prowl and I’m—What made you think that?”

Prowl ignores the flare of self-loathing that comes with the statement, the cut off. There’s a part of him that agrees far to vehemently with the thoughts it brings. He merely turns to look at Soundwave instead.

Soundwave looks helpless for a moment, as if unsure what to say. Then, decisively, he says, “You want to be.”

“Again. What?” Prowl demands, not even making his way toward denial. The warm emotion in his chest can’t really be ignored when it’s shoved in front of him.

“Cosmos was flirting with you,” Soundwave says patiently.

“No?” Prowl knows he sounds unsure but he can’t quite wrap his processor around the idea.

“Yes,” Soundwave insists, looking over at Cosmos. “Cosmos.”

Cosmos looks uncomfortable under the weight of Soundwave’s stare. Prowl can understand. He thinks he would be uncomfortable if he were Cosmos too. Not many ever paid him much attention, but that’s what made him good for Ops work.

“I might have been,” Cosmos admits after a long moment. “But I can stop if you want me to. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I’m sorry.”

“I—” Prowl stops. He thinks of what he could say. Affection is a weakness. Prowl has learned that, but Cosmos is—he’s Cosmos. Prowl can’t explain what he feels for him or why. “You don’t have to stop,” he says softly.

Cosmos gets that surprised look again, as if he didn’t expect Prowl to return a hint of his affections. But he looks happy too. But Prowl, for all he is, refuses to be trapped, even by this. He refuses to let Cosmos be trapped by it either.

“On that note, please inform Soundwave you’re flirting with him too,” Prowl says, all faux politeness, because blunt force has always worked for him in situations such as these. He ignores the whispers of Optimus.

If this doesn’t come to head now, it likely never will. And Prowl doesn’t have to like Soundwave to  acknowledge that Cosmos and Soundwave will be unhappy without each other, even if Prowl is by Cosmos’ side. Love is a multifaceted thing and Prowl himself is a time bomb waiting to go off. These are the things that Prowl understands.

It’s Soundwave’s turn to be surprised and Cosmos sinks back into embarrassment. Prowl would be amused if this were any less of a charged situation. But he knows how it will end. It was obvious from the start.

“Yeah,” Cosmos says shortly.

Soundwave’s optics fill with affection, “You are in luck, little Autobot.”

He takes Cosmos’ servo in his own and he is all soft lines and adoration. For a moment, Prowl feels like an interloper here in this place, where Soundwave and Cosmos have filled their lives with affection.

The feeling is not entirely gone even when Cosmos says, “Come here, Prowl.”

He holds out his servo and his optics are just as soft as Soundwave’s. Prowl does not know how to love—not yet, but it is close enough when Cosmos grabs his servo and Prowl’s digits curl over Cosmos’. That warm feeling settles in his chest again. He lets himself be pulled to Cosmos’ side, tucked under his arm as if a lover.

Perhaps, Prowl can be naïve this once.

[popatochisssp]

Obviously no pressure, but if you wanted to share your ideas on house pets, there would be great interest from at least one person. But headcanons are closed and I totally respect that (this very ask aside sorry). No pressure to do anything!!! just wanted to let you know that it seems like fun info.

Sans (Undertale): Strongly inspired by a fantastic fanfiction I can’t recommend enough, he has a cat affectionately named Catsup (Norwegian Forest Cat). Of course he does. Pretty typical story here, he more or less went to a shelter, locked onto the biggest, fattest cat there, and filled out the paperwork to damn her to a life of having a pun for a name. He...may have only gone to the shelter because he was hardcore struggling with depression and his brother read somewhere that pets can help a little, but that's...that’s neither here nor there. Catsup turned out to be a perfect fit for Sans in spite of his initial attitude of, 'I'm only doing this to make Papyrus happy'-- she's probably just about as chill and lazy as the skeleton himself, content to flop over just about anywhere, anytime and hang out. Her laidback nature was a blessing for Sans, a first-time cat-owner who didn't really know what he was doing or what she needed right away. A more high-maintenance cat probably wouldn't have been as forgiving and there'd have been a lot more stress on everybody before he got it figured out. Now, he considers Catsup his best little pal and doesn't even need to be reminded to change out her bowls and her litter. He's surprisingly responsible, when he actually really cares about something.

Catsup’s Quirks: Likes it when you gently slap her belly, always gravitates towards the room with the most people in it, often appears in unusual places that it seems like she shouldn't have been able to get to

Papyrus (Undertale): He...begrudgingly missed working with the Canine Unit once the Royal Guard was officially disbanded... It took him awhile to be able to openly admit he was interested in getting a dog, and when he did, he had standards-- it had to be a smart dog, one that could learn tricks and follow rules, unlike a certain annoying creature that’s plagued his life and home and special attacks in the past!!! So he did a lot of breed research, found a local, ethical breeder for the kind he was looking for, and went to pick out a pup. Spike (Border Collie), so named for his incredible coolness, is a perfect fit for his energetic skeleton friend and loves to run, exercise, and learn new tricks all the time!

Spike’s Quirks: Learned to wipe his feet before coming inside just by watching Papyrus do it, hams up his tricks and sometimes does them without prompting, never leaves the park without an impractically large stick to bring home

Sky (Underswap Sans): You will literally never get him to admit the real reason he got a dog companion because he knows in his heart of hearts that it’s such a silly reason... He saw a video online of a dog delicately eating a watermelon and while most people would’ve had a kneejerk reaction of, “I NEED TEN,” but not gotten any, he had the same reaction and just...talked himself down to one. And so came Poff (Samoyed), a big ol’ floofer who’s a lot like her master when it comes to levels of energy and affection. She’s happy to follow him around on patrols, training sessions, and even through obstacle course...so of course, she tends to get very dirty very quickly. Luckily, Sky’s diligence in grooming her keeps her coat as white and fluffy as her namesake!

Poff’s Quirks:  Loves baths, tap dances at the mention of treats, doesn't chew her toys and just hoards them instead

Paps (Underswap Papyrus): He wasn’t really in the market for a dog, himself. He was just along for the ride when his bro was picking up Poff, when he happened to hear the most hilarious sing-screaming sound he’d ever heard in his life. He followed it all the way to the little fellow who would soon be known as Smoochie (French Bulldog), and he sure seemed upset about...something? He never really figured out why, he was laughing too hard from hearing a sound like that come out of something so small and weird-looking. He didn't try to adopt Smoochie that day, much as he loved his sound, but he found himself going back to the shelter a couple times just to check on and play with him. After two or three months with no one else adopting the little prima-donna, he figured he might as well commit and take him home. He's a fun little dude and Paps hasn't regretted it for a second, but he's forever in denial about just how much of a Dog Dad he's become since. It's totally normal to carry your dog around in the hood of your sweatshirt, isn't it???

Smoochie’s Quirks: Screams a lot, will eat food out of peoples’ hands if they’re not paying attention, jumps higher than it seems like he should be able to

Jasper (Underfell Sans): Like most things in his life, he didn’t put a whole lot of planning or forethought into getting a dog. He was out one night, decently drunk, and a friend of a friend of a friend of a coworker was talking about this dumb dog he had that was supposed to be a guard dog but couldn't do it worth a damn because he was too friendly. The guy was yammering about how to get rid of it and something about that struck a chord with Jasper. It was pretty soon after monsters surfaced and maybe that's why it felt...important to him? He was probably just drunk and emotional and soft that he even stepped in or said anything, but it is what it is. He’s a skilled enough conman that it didn't take him long to talk the guy around in circles until he was willing to pay Jasper for the privilege of taking this animal off his hands and in short order, he was almost bowled over by the big dog that planted its paws on his shoulders at their first meeting. Jasper immediately renamed him from something cliché and 'intimidating' to Tubbs (Rottweiler) for how heavy the goofy bastard was and then brought him right home. His brother wasn't particularly pleased and swore he would not be caring for this beast, but he never had to; Jasper kinda missed having something trusting and affectionate to take care of, and Tubbs has been daddy's little fatty ever since.

Tubbs’ Quirks: Shreds even the heaviest duty toys, lays on people as if he were a lap dog, drools rivers if somebody's eating food around him

Pyre (Underfell Papyrus): Who am I to defy literal years of fanon...? His first meeting with Doomfanger (Persian) was about as clichéd as it gets-- a scrawny, dingy, scraggly and matted cat scurrying out of an alley in the rain. She went right up to him and, well... it was love at first mew. He scooped her right up, bestowed a fittingly intimidating name upon her, and took her home with him, in spite of the fact that she looked more like a mutant rat than a cat at the time. After shaving the mats off, bathing the dirt away, and getting her some regular food, though, Doomy actually ends up being an exceedingly beautiful feline! He credits his attentive care and grooming for her pristine, silvery fluff and will brag about it at a moment's notice, but he's just ever so slightly in denial about her sweet and gentle nature. Doomfanger is a vicious killing machine, a true apex predator that nothing stands a chance against! That's...that’s obviously why he carries her around so much... And why he plucks her away from any other animal that comes near her like some sort of mother hen-- he's minimizing the bloodshed! If he let her loose, there would be no survivors!

Doomfanger’s Quirks: Meows in peeps, avid shadow-chaser, extremely receptive to handling

Mal (Swapfell Sans): Hey, anyone remember FGTC? This one cameo’d in that fic, she may seem familiar~ So...he wanted a pet. At first, he thought a cat would be good, fierce independent hunters that they’re reputed to be...but after spending time with a lot of cats and not really clicking with any, he was forced to concede that he was just more of a dog person. In hindsight, of course that’s what he was looking for: a loyal companion to (literally, ha!) dog his steps and follow his orders. Before he can actually, intentionally start looking for one, though, the universe works its magic and he finds one digging around in the garbage out behind the house. The emergency vet he brings the scarred and skeletal stray to tells him that, judging by her injuries, she was probably bait in some dog-fighting ring somewhere and got thrown away when she wasn’t useful anymore. Well. Fuck that, Princess (Pitbull) deserves better than that, and she’ll have it! He takes on the duty of nursing her back to health and earning her trust and it isn’t long before she shows her true colors as the loviest sweetheart of a dog that ever was. She’s utterly useless as an attack/guard dog, but her barks are loud and intimidating, and she obeys commands at the drop of a hat, so Mal doesn’t hold that against her. She goes with him just about anywhere she’s allowed and he shows her off with the same enthusiasm you’d expect for a pedigreed Best in Show dog.

Princess’ Quirks: Wags with her entire butt, will kiss the moment someone’s face is in range, barks at doorbells both real and on TV

Rus (Swapfell Papyrus): He didn’t mean to get a cat, not really... He was just following along with his brother when Mal was kicking around the idea of getting one, and Mal may not have clicked with anybody there, but he sure did. Actually... Kitkat (Manx) may have picked him and he’s just along for the ride. Kitkat was kinda young at the time, a little smaller than all the rest and also...no tail??? But what a personality, loud and playful and super sweet and...when it was time to leave the shelter, he just...he couldn’t bring himself to do it without her, he was in love! It’s mutual, at least-- she latched right onto him pretty much instantly and is pretty much never not with him whenever he’s at home, following him around from room-to-room.

Kitkat’s Quirks: Bone-rattlingly loud purrs, loves to play fetch, prone to 3AM zest for life and zooming all around the house accordingly

Slate (Horrortale Sans): I actually wrote about this one! But the gist of it is...he likes cats. Eventually got confident enough to go get one and zeroed right in on the weirdest-looking, least adoptable cat in the shelter he volunteers at. Slinky (Cornish Rex) was deaf, kinda ugly, and a whole lotta weird, but hell, she’ll fit right in at home, yeah? And so she does! She wrecks a lotta shit and is loud as hell, but stuff is only stuff and Slate’s never had an issue with noise. Actually...she really helps him out with his sleep and focus issues, it’s hard to drop off or dissociate when you have a cat in your lap, yelling at you at batting your face because it’s Play Time or Dinner Time, wake the fuck up!!! She’s a bastardous gremlin, but he loves her to bits.

Slinky’s Quirks: Clumsy and bad at judging distances, loves ankle-looping, insists on sniffing all people-food but never actually tries to eat it

Papy (Horrortale Papyrus): Following the trauma of the underground and the ensuing massive outpouring of empathy from humanity at large, monsters were made aware of many therapeutic resources that they could take advantage of, one of which was therapy animals. Papy naturally thought this was a wonderful idea...for other monsters, who were of course far more psychologically-damaged and not quite so good at enduring as himself. But...his brother does volunteer at an animal shelter, and he goes to visit him on occasion so he's made friends with a lot of animal people. This is how he hears about a therapy dog in need of a new forever-home due to complicated circumstances with her former owner, and well... it would be rude not to offer the Lady (Borzoi) a place to stay! He’s surprised by her appearance at first, having expected something more like a golden retriever or some kind of shepherd??? But he's very quickly charmed by her and actually feels more than a little bit of kinship with her no stranger to being long and oddly proportioned, himself-- and they're both doing their best to make it look graceful instead of weird. Since Lady proves to be a sweet and gentle-mannered dog, Papy just sort of...never bothers trying to find other accommodations for her. She’s welcomed wholeheartedly into their home, which she repays with plenty of unconditional love and effortless emotional support!

Lady’s Quirks: Spins in circles when excited, very polite when begging for table scraps, never barks but howls often

[bbyboybrock--archived]

Serendipity (C.B) | Chapter 21

Summary: Serendipity: (n) the chance occurrence of events in a beneficial way

Popular youtuber Isabella Hart, known as Bella to her audience, bends over backwards to separate her youtube life from her private life. Known for her overall clean content and her bubbly attitude, Isabella has a wild side to her that only those inside the youtube community know about. When Bella meets Colby during one of the trap house parties she finally meets someone she can be her genuine self with. When trouble arises after their meeting, will Bella be able to hand the pressure or will she destroy her relationship with Colby as well as herself in the process. [This starts in 2018]

Written: 2019

Word Count: 3,645

Warnings: swearing, mentions of sexual abuse, and a lot of fluff

(I  put a **trigger warning** right before the triggering part of the chapter and **trigger warning over** at the end of that part so you can read around it)

Serendipity Masterlist

I collapse the box that I just finished unpacking and hobble over to put it in the pile of flattened boxes. I hop back to my little space in the corner and take a break to edit a video. Colby isn't here. Hopefully, he's at the trap house packing his things and helping clean. He was with me yesterday. We filmed a video putting together the Ikea furniture we bought a while ago. We both agreed that moving in at the same time would be stressful, so we planned to move in on separate days. Since I'm the only one who actually had everything packed, I moved in first. Which says something about the two of us because Colby has less stuff compared to me. He lived in a tiny bedroom for two years and I had an entire apartment to myself for the same amount of time. It would be safe to assume that I have more things.

With Colby being busy packing and cleaning, I asked the members of the slap house and Kian and JC to help out. I also feel bad so I'm paying them and taking them out to lunch later. Honestly, my leg getting broken was perfect timing because I get to do all the fun parts of moving: unpacking and organizing. Which is what I've been doing all morning. I've been focusing on the shared spaces, the bedroom, living room, and kitchen. Mainly because when Colby starts moving his stuff in a couple of days I want to stay out of the way and give him space. I'm leaving my little youtube studio alone until then.

After Colby first asked me to move in with him, I started to worry about the things I would miss. One of the main things was having my youtube room. I think he knew that because he set out to find 2-3 bedroom apartments. When we found one in our price range, Colby told me I could take the spare bedroom to work in. Our apartment, like Sam's, has a smaller second level where he can put his work stuff. He said I needed the room more because I could work on music interrupted. I think he deserves extra boyfriend points.

I stop what I'm doing when I hear a knock at the front door. It's been a while since the guys were here last. They're probably here to drop off the next load of stuff. I save my work and go to open the door. I move out of the way so everyone can walk in.

"Hey, since you're all here, what should we do for lunch— Benji?" At the end of the line of everyone, there stands Benji holding a box.

"Oh yeah, he came to your apartment looking for you. It's cool that he's here right?" Kian asks after setting down a box and stands next to me in a protective stance.

"Actually, it isn't cool. But it's fine, you guys wouldn't know about the current family drama that's going on. Or that we aren't on speaking terms. I'll take care of it. You guys figure out where we should eat." I hobble over and take a box from Benji and walk back into the apartment.

"Iz, we need to talk. Besides, I have a lot of your stuff in my car so I can't leave." I set the box on the counter and hesitate for a second.

"Fine, but the second we move the last box, you're gone." I tighten my walking boot and follow Benji to his car.

"Isabella, you shouldn't— On second thought, you do what you want." Mike stops from trying to tell me that I'm not supposed to be moving boxes as per doctor's orders. Plus, Colby would have a fit if he found out. The only reason why Mike stopped trying to stop me is because I gave him a look.

I follow Benji to the elevator. The walk is quiet because we know that there are people within earshot. Once the elevator door shuts, Benji turns to face me. I don't look at him. I won't look at him. Looking at Benji used to bring me such peace when I was younger, now all I can think about is how much he looks so much like our father now that he's older. I noticed that when I went home a few months ago. Sometimes I had to remind myself that my brothers were not our father. That he was nowhere near us, or so I thought.

"Isabella, I'm so happy that I was able to find you. After mom told us what she did, I decided to give you some space. And when I finally thought you had enough space, your phone was disconnected and you weren't active on social media." His voice quivers.

"I took a break from social media and I had the misfortune of having my phone number leaked on the internet. If you really wanted to check in on me, you could have dropped by my apartment." I say cooly.

"I know, I know. I just figured that if you went through such lengths to not be reached that I wouldn't harass you at your house."

"Well, clearly you got over that." The elevator brings us to the parking lot and I walk out and scan for his car.

"I had to get over it. If you would just look at me and really listen." Benji grabs my arm and I freeze. He quickly lets go of my hand and I finally turn around and look at him. His eyes are glossy.

I shake my head and walk as fast as I can to his car. I open the passenger door and sit in the car, waiting for him to join me. A few seconds later he catches on and climbs into the driver seat.

"I can tell you want to say something. Why don't you get whatever it is off your chest." Benji turns to face me again. I look at the wall that he parked in front of. I still refuse to look at him.

"You know, when we were little, I used to think you were the best big brother a girl could have? To Joey, I was just another younger sibling who would be taking the attention off him. But you, you would do the most fictional big brother crap that you only see in movies. You're only four years older and you would take me to the park, take me to and from school— if I remember correctly, you'd even save your notes just in case I needed help with something. You'd even take me to my dance rehearsals and sit with the dance moms until it was time to go home. Hell, you were the only one to go to my high school graduation. You were always there when I needed it." I pause for a second to catch my breath. I fidget in my seat before turning to Benji, who has a sad expression on his face.

"Izzy..." Out of habit, he strokes my hair. When we were younger, it was his ways of letting me know that everything was going to be okay. I push his hand away and look him in the eyes.

**TRIGGER WARNING**

"After your mother kicked me out of the family and all the other stuff that happened, I realized that that wasn't true. I couldn't go to you about what was going on with dad. I was too little and didn't know how to comprehend it. And as we got older, I didn't know how to approach going to you about it. But you had to be able to tell. Little signs that things were off with me. For fucks sakes, your bedroom was right next to mine. When I finally figured out how to say what was going on, I waited until you were 18 so that if someone had actually cared and if things went to shit, we wouldn't have to worry about getting separated. I was finally able to say it, and you didn't believe me. Or maybe you were in denial. Either way, you didn't trust me enough to believe me. To help me. If you did know when we were younger, then you might have kept quiet because you were scared. I don't blame you, I was. I've always been a little hurt and upset with you after you found out because I never lied to you, and you know that. But what hurt me the most, is that even if you didn't believe me, you went along with mom's plan to get money from me. You knew how I felt about everything and you still went along with it. And when she exiled me from the family, a little part of me thought that you wouldn't abide by that. That you would come to me and tell me that you're still my brother. That you would still be there for me. But that never happened." I say the last part a little louder than I intended to. We're both crying, me more than him. I quickly wipe my tears away and Benji struggles to find something, I'm assuming a napkin. He gives up and dries his face with his arm.

"I'm sorry Isabella. I'm so, so sorry. And you're right, I didn't believe you even though you never gave me a reason not to." He reached into the backseat and pulls out a slightly big box that used to hold one of our grandma's hats.

"What is that?" I ask while sniffling.

"After mom did what she did, she told Joey and me to throw away anything that had to do with you. Joey said he was busy so I did it myself. I found some stuff that you might want: pictures and little mementos. While I was going through treasured family memories, I found some home movies in the attic. So I took them to make copies for you. But while I was watching them and copying them, I one that wasn't a home movie. And then I found another and another. I found so many and— I should have believed you. I should have protected you or something, but I didn't. I copied them all down in a flash drive and put them in the box too." He stares at the box before handing it to me.

"The bastard recorded what he did and left the videos with our family memories?" I stare at the box in disbelief.

"Turn it in to the police, burn it, do whatever you want with it. So much of your life, people made decisions that drastically affected your life, I thought you should make this decision yourself."

**TRIGGER WARNING OVER**

"Thank you. I don't even know how to process this. I don't know what I'm going to do yet, but I'll keep you updated when I do."

"Please do. I haven't always been there for you, but I promise I will be now."

"I love you, Benji." I wrap my arms around Benji and hold on for dear life. He hugs me back and for a second everything feels a little better in the world.

"I love you too, Izzy. Let's get back to your apartment before your friends think I kidnapped you."

"Oh shit, I forgot about them. You should come to lunch with up."

"Okay, that'll be great before I have to go back to studying." Benji takes out the only other box in the car and we walk back the apartment. I should have figured that Benji would only have one box on the off chance I didn't want to talk to him, that way things wouldn't be more uncomfortable.

****

I sit in my little office space while Sam, Colby, and Jake bumble around the rest of the apartment moving stuff. They figured that they would just share a moving truck since they all live in the same apartment complex. This resulted in a massive truck and three dumbasses trying to figure out how to get their stuff all the way to the fifth floor without using the elevator. I offered to help at least bring in the smaller stuff but the three of them nearly had a conniption. Even though they aren't living together, I can tell that living with them in the building is going to be like the trap house.

So as promised, I'm staying out of their way. Luckily, they listened to me when I told them to bring all their boxed stuff before moving the furniture. It's also a good thing that the only bit of furniture Colby has to bring in is the couches, desk, and chairs. We ordered a new mattress and bed set due to mine being 'too girly' and Colby's being broken. It got here yesterday morning so we put that together yesterday afternoon. The mattress is coming today, hopefully. Or else We're going to have to sleep on the couches tonight.

"Izzy!" Colby yells from somewhere in the apartment. He still might be used to being in the house because there is no need for him to shout, especially with my door being open. I get up from the floor and walk into the living room where Sam, Colby, and Jake are collapsed on the floor.

"Are you three okay? Should I call 911?" I joke as I get 3 water bottles from the fridge and pass them out.

"It's just, the floor is so comfortable. And we're exhausted. Anyway, the mattress came. Do you need help with the video?"

"No, I can do it. You three rest. Figure out if we're going out to lunch or order in." I find the box near the couch. I start to drag it into the bedroom but Colby gets up and takes the box from me. I grab my camera and tripod from my office and set it up.

"Babe, do want to eat out or stay in?" Colby asks before going back to join Jake and Sam on the floor.

"I say eat out because we all have to go grocery shopping and get last minute things so we can just do that after," I say as I open the window to get better lighting.

"Okay, I'll suggest that to the guys." Colby gives me a quick kiss on the cheek before leaving me to film the band deal video for the mattress.

****

"Baby, let's go to bed." I put away the last empty box by the door.

"Why don't we just sit here and relax a bit, maybe watch a movie?" Colby pats the seat next to him on the couch.

We got home from lunch and a Target run and spent the rest of the day unpacking. I took a break from doing my office area and put away Colby's clothes while he put together the clothing racks. He's been doing a lot of heavy lifting all day and last night he came back to the apartment to let me sleep at the trap house so I wouldn't have to sleep on the floor. Or my couch in my office. So I know that he has to be on the verge of passing out.

"Are you sure?" I ask as I sit down next to him. He turns the tv on and turns on 13 Going on 30. I look at him funny before going back to watching the movie. It's not his favorite movie, but I didn't think I made him watch it enough times to make him voluntarily watch it.

"Shh, just watch the movie." He puts my arm around me and we watch the movie for a little bit.

The longer the movie plays, the more Colby starts to fidget. I scramble to find the controller, which managed to get under us and pause the movie.

"We can watch the movie tomorrow. We can have a lazy day and binge all the movies we can. We'll even watch Scott Pilgrim. Let's just go to bed now. I know you're tired."

"I'm not tired. I'm just trying to figure out the perfect moment."

"Perfect moment for what?" Colby digs into his pocket and pulls out a little black box.

"For this," He opens the box and in it is a ring. My heart nearly jumps out of my throat.

"Cole—"

"You can relax. It's not an engagement ring... technically."

"I'm lost. What is going on?"

"I know our anniversary was this past weekend. And I thought about giving this to you then but I thought that today would be better."

"And you're not proposing?" I say sitting up more now.

"No, I know that we're both not ready for that yet. This little ring is a promise ring. I know, it sounds corny and cheesy, but bear with me."

"I have a feeling that I'm going to cry. Hold on." I walk as quickly as I can to get a tissue box from the bathroom and join Colby back on the couch.

"Look, I'm not good with words or emotions sometimes. You know this. I could have given this to you on Saturday when we had the whole celebration thing. But I didn't think that our first anniversary wasn't special enough for this. And I know that sounds bad, but hold on. It gets better, I promise. I thought that today would be better because why should all the super big milestones in a relationship get all the glory? Today, we officially moved in together. This is our own space, our home. I never moved in with a girl that I'm absolutely in love with. And I know that you haven't either. This a big moment in our relationship, a big step. Isabella, I love you more than I've never loved another human being this much in my entire life. And with this ring, I promise to always love you, even when you start singing badly on purpose, or get on my ass about the littlest things. I promise that I'll always love you, even if we break up one day. And if we don't break up, and the time is right, I promise that I'll propose to you. Properly, in a big way with a pre-planned speech and everything. Isabella Rose, you have my heart."

"Fuck... I don't even know what to say. I think you melted both my brain and my heart. How do I respond? Jesus, I'm a mess." I completely forgot about the tissues and started to use my hoodie sleeves to dry my face.

"Bells, I'm not looking for an answer. Your flustered state speaks enough for you." Colby laughs and takes a tissue and helps dry my face.

"No— I have to— Oh, wait! Okay first things first, put that ring on my finger. And Cole, you better have a matching one or tomorrow we're spending the entire day at the jewelers until we find you one." Colby slips the ring on my finger. A perfect fit. He must have looked in my jewelry box or something.

"I did, don't worry. I figured you were going to say something like that. What did you want me to wait for?"

"Okay, well. I still can't fully process what just happened in my head. But that's okay because I was going to do this next month during my album release party anyway. How do I say this? I wrote you a song. A full ass song that's not going to be beautiful or properly convey how I feel about you like your little speech, but it's a song about and for you." I pulled out my phone and search through my notes for the final mastered copy that was sent to me for approval.

"You did what?" Now Colby's attention is fully on me.

"One day, months ago, I was trying to put into words how I felt about you. I wrote it all down, and poof, I had a song. I messed around with some instruments and I had a full song. And I thought about how to have you listen to it. I was going to do it at the album release party but I know how you are and I was trying to figure out a way to have you listen to it before that party."

"I... This is the most Isabella thing you could have done."

"What is?" I finally find the song and get it ready to play.

"Channel what you're feeling into something creative, and yet, in a way that makes the other person completely understand."

"Well, I guess calling the album Dear Diary, was completely in character then. Anyway, I present to you 'Limerence' or as I sometimes called it 'Cole's song'. Before you ask, limerence means 'the state of being infatuated with another person.'" I play the song and try not to look at Colby's face the entire time.

The song ends and Colby's speechless. I sit nervously and watch to see a reaction.

"Jesus, we're both so in love with each other. Iz, that is— now I don't know how to respond." Colby rubs his eyes. It takes him a few seconds but then he finally looks at me.

"I think we can safely say, that we feel the same way about each other and we both know this. Our actions did all the speaking for us. Now let's go to bed before we're both messes." I get up, shut the tv off, and start walking to our room.

"Hey, Iz?" Colby says while getting up from the couch.

"Hmm?" I turn around and look at my goofy smiling boyfriend.

"I love you."

"I love you," I reply. I hold out my hand and wait for Colby to turn off the light and join me.

[fuanteinasekai]

Meta #3: The One Where It Gets a Little Weird

Please note: this meta is heavily focused on recent manga developments, so if you don’t want to be spoiled by it you should catch up on fan translations. Okay these aren't spoilers anymore.

Also, while I think reading my previous two metas would be useful in understanding some of this, I don’t really consider this a continuation per se, since this is purely focused on developments in the manga. I really didn’t want to get distracted by anime issues, for reasons which will perhaps becomes clear. 

There are two recent stories with particular relevance to Tanuma and Natsume. (Well, three, in a way, but we’ll get to that later.)

First, “Tenjō-san,” a story that’s mostly about the four boys tracking down a mysterious, supposedly yōkai-related artifact for Himura-Sempai, a graduating senior from a different high school. Of particular note are two things: 

The unusually strong theme of mortality. The story opens with Kitamoto in the hospital, having scared the boys with a bad fall. He’s fine, but Natsume and Tanuma are very worried. There’s also a subplot about an elderly man who once went on a similar mission with his own boyhood friends. He speaks wistfully of “Tetchan and the others” as if he lost contact—or they died. It's a reminder that human life is short—sometimes shorter than expected—and one cannot wait forever to figure things out.

Tanuma’s complicated feelings make a spectacular comeback. Both chapters of the story have at least one meaningful exchange between Natsume and Tanuma. In the first chapter, Tanuma encourages Natsume to be open about his doubts by telling him, “I still sometimes want to see the same world as you, but I think it’s because we see different things that we’re able to confirm things for each other.” In the second, he tells Natsume that he might need to keep Nishimura and Kitamoto in the dark just so he can have space to be normal, “Since I, out of worry, ask you if there’s a yōkai straight away.” This is framed as a self-deprecating remark and an expression of deeper insecurities, but also as something Natsume doesn’t understand (that is, doesn’t agree with).

The next arc is another long Natsume-Natori-Matoba story about the complicated lives of those who can see yōkai, and the different paths those lives can or should take. This story reinforces the image of Natori as a protective and somewhat controlling big brother, complete with another incident of Touko-san aggressively adopting Natori. It also emphasizes the difficulty of intimate relationships, implied to be romantic, when one has a connection of responsibility to the yokai world.

The story after that is where it gets… interesting. Setting aside my own personal preferences, at the same time as I’ve seen a lot of queer subtext between Natsume and Tanuma, I’ve also always [until recently] assumed Taki would be the eventual implied wife. She’s the only girl Natsume counts as a friend, much less close friend, and she’s the closest anyone gets to being on Tanuma’s level of intimacy. Having said that, I wasn’t happy about it. Compulsory heterosexuality is one of my least favorite tropes, because it always cheapens romance and I am a huge romantic. There are essentially no obstacles between Taki and Natsume—certainly none she wouldn’t share with basically any other girl—which makes the concept of a romantic arc extremely weak.

Yet not only did the opening of the next story appear to confirm our compulsory heterosexuality, it did so in such a laughably cliche way it seemed to circle right around to subversion: 

It opens with a girl who acts like she has a crush on Taki (but not explicitly), squealing about how “lovely” but “difficult to approach” she is.

Nishimura-the-Projector assumes Natsume will be upset by Taki’s “boyfriend.”

Natsume claims to be upset because he was left in the dark, rather than because she has a boyfriend per se, which under cliche-logic reads as “denial” even though it’s a perfectly valid reason.

Jealousy trope-storm without actual jealousy.

The boyfriend is actually a relative! Heehee! Nobody acknowledges that this is heteronormative gossip at its finest.

Taki talks about her brother as if she’s trying to hook him up with Natsume??

Natsume notices… the brother… is “the cute type”???

No seriously, why would you do that now of all times?

In any case, this was all tremendously upsetting and frustrating. Since I would have to wait yet another four months (or longer) to see Tanuma again, I decided to temporarily skip the second Taki chapter and spend that time on a thought experiment/coping mechanism: What if it were a subversion?

At first I toyed with the idea of writing platonic Taki/Natsume and romantic Tanuma/Natsume separately, but it didn’t work out. While the idea of subverting “boys and girls can’t stay friends” in isolation is admirable, it’s not something with any basis in Natsume Yūjinchō. That is, Taki’s lack of romantic potential—if intentional—has always been illuminated by contrast with Tanuma, whether through the Furry yōkai/Ito-san pseudo-arc I described in Meta #2, or through more direct comparisons as in “The Time-Eater.” Thus, platonic Taki/Natsume and romantic Tanuma/Natsume are two sides of the same coin, and I approached my theory with this in mind.

Since this story was obviously heavily centered on Taki, with Tanuma having nothing more than a brief mental cameo, the only way to draw Tanuma in for comparison is the “pseudo-arc.” In that light, I created an outline of how the next three chapters should proceed if Midorikawa-sensei did intend a subversive, queer platonic Taki/ romantic Tanuma theme.

First, the real-world logic. There are two basic reasons why Midorikawa-sensei might write romantic Natsume/Tanuma the way it’s gone so far:

Standard editorial censorship. Natsume’s Book of Friends isn’t an international juggernaut, but it’s popular enough to be a reliable cash cow. So there’d be more pressure to stay within the heteronormative lines than in an “indie” manga. In this case, Natsume/Tanuma would never be fully canon, but consistent subtext.

Quiet natural development. That is, if Natsume/Tanuma wasn’t originally intended but grew organically out of character development, then there’d have to be a transition period from “nominally platonic” to “explicitly romantic.” Since they’re both boys and this is a mainstream manga (not BL), it would have to be handled much more delicately than M/F romance.

Some combination of 1 and 2.

The first is actually fairly common and much more likely than the second, though the second is technically a slightly better fit with how things have gone so far. Either way, we’d still be at the “subtext” level for now. With the socio-cultural context Natsume is being written in, shifting a character from “presumed straight” to “explicitly queer” is a complicated maneuver. M/M ship bait is very common, and even a sympathetic audience won’t necessarily trust build-up to be real. So if you want your audience to actually follow the romantic development, it makes sense in theory to present it as platonic emotional development (with subtext) as long as possible before moving on to romantic text. And the subtext, for the most part, can’t be the sort of thing that reads as ship-bait. Which makes “eventually canon” difficult to distinguish from “intentional, but permanently subtext.” For this reason, I won't bother to separate the two.

So, drawing on the way Midorikawa-sensei has written in the past, my theoretical pro-Natsume/Tanuma progression looked like this:

A second chapter of Taki, in which Natsume is implied to be a brother figure (consistent with my initial subversive reading—there are a lot of parallels between Natsume fretting about Taki and Taki fretting about her brother + Natsume and her brother both have complicated relationships with yokai that conflict somewhat with Taki's fangirl-glasses). This creates a sense of depth and longevity to their relationship, while at the same time pushing a more explicitly platonic reading. The “omg Taki has a boyfriend” opening subtly injects a question of romance into the entire pseudo-arc (not so subtly into Taki’s half), answering with “no, they’re like siblings” to the Natsume/Taki question, but leaving Natsume/Tanuma open in the second part. Ideally the girl with the crush on Taki from the beginning should return at the end as a nod to the queer reading, and to close the “Taki needs to talk to more girls” loop that was interrupted by the fake boyfriend. 

The second part of the “pseudo-arc” would be two chapters heavily centered on Tanuma where:

There should be some sort of thematic parallel to the first (Taki) part, with a corresponding focus on Tanuma. I speculated that there might be a family theme, since we don’t know anything about Tanuma’s mom (in retrospect a poor guess—in Taki’s story the “family" was mirrored to Natsume), but it doesn’t matter what as long as it’s a definite parallel. [This is the basis for subtextually carrying the romantic question over to Tanuma.]

The parallel should be explicitly acknowledged in some way, however brief. [This acknowledges the existence of subtext and invites the reader to notice and pay attention.]

There should be other, smaller parallel moments, akin to the previous pseudo-arc’s Taki-Tanuma “lonely” mirroring. [This reinforces the existence of the parallel even though the plot is very different.]

The Tanuma story should escalate emotionally. For example, since Taki “listens to Natsume,” Tanuma should do something stronger like “take care of Natsume.” [This reinforces the romantic imagery, in contrast with something more brotherly.]

The trend of Tanuma being emotionally centered on Natsume, in contrast with Taki’s family focus, should continue. [ditto]

Tanuma’s feelings for Natsume should be more romanticized than Taki’s feelings, ideally on a level with “The Other Side of the Glass” and similar stories. [ditto]

No explicit references to romantic feelings, but a story more like a love story than Taki’s. Depth vs. surface. [ditto]

Ideally a reference to the “pond of emotional intimacy” would be super-great, but probably too much to ask. I think Midorikawa-Sensei forgot about it.

So what really did happen?

Just before returning to university, Taki’s brother says “I suppose I could leave [someone like] you in charge of my little sister,” which could be interpreted as deputizing Natsume as “older brother” in his absence. [I don’t want to make any definitive statements about translation at my level of Japanese—it can also be read as a patriarchal approval of the “presumed boyfriend,” though if Natsume is considering Taki that way, it doesn’t seem to fit Natsume and Sensei’s identical reactions.] Natsume then proceeds to explain her brother’s situation to Taki before happily allowing Girl-With-Crush to distract her with sweets. The ending feels very neat—as if their relationship issues have all been more or less dealt with. It’s essentially the opposite of what I expected from romantic Taki, in which we might see a certain ambiguous open-endedness, tension, or a sense that Natsume is reevaluating the way he sees Taki. There is none of that here.

And then there’s the next story. As predicted, it was heavily Tanuma-centered. This alone isn’t terribly meaningful, since we hadn’t seen Tanuma in a while. However, it also had a few… similarities to my outline:

It parallels Taki’s story with a “visitor” theme, and with the way the visitor arguably mirrors Natsume himself. 

Natsume acknowledges the thematic parallel: “A visitor every day? I wonder if it’s family like that time with Taki.” I had to take a moment here to laugh hysterically; I wasn't expected it to be this obvious. (Taki: “boyfriend” → family | Tanuma: “family” → ??)

Several mirrored moments, mostly in the first chapter, including “what kind of person?,” Nishimura as contrast, the running, the explanation-of-the-problem, the shocked reaction to meeting, the final-bench-discussion and so on.

“I always get her to listen to me.” → “He always listens and smiles for me.”; “I too [will listen to you] the way you always listen to me.”  → “You’ve kept me company so many times when I was mixed up with yōkai, so […] I will keep you company, too.” (When I initially wrote my outline, I had missed that he uses もらう for Taki’s listening, which downplays her intent. So even though his description of Tanuma is similar, this is an upgrade.)

Pretty blatant difference in romantic subtext, here. Taki is emotionally preoccupied with her brother and their grandfather. The climax is her brother giving her the gift he made with their grandfather as a small child. Tanuma is emotionally preoccupied with the gap in power between himself and Natsume and how that affects their relationship. The climax is watching their yōkai mirrors, in matching vessels, spiral together into the sky.

Tanuma clutches at his heart when Natsume calls his name. Tanuma wants to “see the same things Natsume sees, together,” Tanuma wishes he could be strong so Natsume wouldn’t “worry and [I/we could]…”. Natsume feels that Misuzu is “seeing through” him right after Tanuma calls him a friend. A lot of interruptions, unfinished sentences and unspoken feelings. Etc. Though Taki’s story opens with romantic cliche, and Natsume is very determined to be helpful, it’s Tanuma’s story that’s thick with romantic imagery. Taki’s story, by contrast, romanticizes the protective, sheltering image of the older brother, who cares for his little sister (and vice versa) even though they can't quite understand each other.

In terms of the “love story”: again, Taki’s emotions are centered on her brother. Tanuma’s are centered on Natsume, with even his desire to get to know yōkai being fundamentally tied to Natsume. Tanuma in particular is written with strong undertones of longing and trying to find a way closer, while Natsume gets little chance to think deeply or speak to Tanuma alone, distracted by the Misuzu problem and how it relates to Tanuma’s health and happiness. Tanuma’s story is also much more open-ended. While Taki’s story seems to end with a sense of satisfaction, Tanuma’s is full of tension. The question of how they come together safely (platonically or otherwise) remains unresolved.

The pond continues to play a metaphorical role as a place that symbolizes what they do or don’t share. Though Tanuma cannot see the pond itself, he can see shadows ordinary people cannot—in “Same Scenery” he referred to these shadows as something only the two of them could see. For Misuzu and Sasame, it is a literal halfway point between their marshes, and a place where they meet specifically to be together.[IMO, this is why it doesn't appear in "The Days-Eater": the symbolism of the pond is specifically tied to the two of them, so it would be inapproprate to reference it in Taki's presence.]

So… what does this mean? I don’t know. I promised myself I would let go of the queer reading if I got anything less than a Taki-Tanuma pseudo-arc—even if I got a story that heavily romanticized Tanuma without paralleling Taki’s story. Actually getting what I wanted, exactly what I wanted, is less satisfying than it might seem. Set against the overwhelming prevalence of heteronormativity, it's left me in a curious limbo of uncertainty. It’s hard to swallow the idea that my accuracy was a complete coincidence, but I may have been wrong about the reasons for this pattern. 

While it’s objectively lazy, there’s a great deal of precedent in letting superficial romantic features like “cuteness” supersede features like devotion, so long as the former is opposite sex and the latter same sex. In other words, I may have the pattern backwards, with Tanuma being set up as platonic soulmate, and Taki as the romantic lead. Perhaps we are meant to draw a parallel between Tanuma and Taki’s brother as a “difficult older brother” figure (even though Tanuma is younger), given they are both “easily possessed.” If so, they have little else in common. The (simultaneous??) mirroring between Tanuma and Taki would probably be for the purpose of establishing Natsume’s most important platonic, non-family-like relationship as equally important to romance. This isn’t exactly inconsistent with the emphasis the manga places on the importance of platonic love.

Still, it’s an odd choice to make Taki’s feelings primarily about someone else if the story is meant to set a romance in motion, particularly in contrast to Tanuma. And the older brother/Natsume mirroring would have to be unintentional, since it’s a bit, um, awkward otherwise, which would mean the undeniable Misuzu/Natsume mirroring is coincidental. And so on. At its heteronormative best, “The Troublesome Two” is a story about Natsume’s crush on Taki, and Taki’s love for her brother and late grandfather. At its potential best, it’s a subversive story about how an unrelated boy and a girl can care deeply about each other without having romantic feelings—and about how girls aren’t necessarily more emotionally and socially competent than boys just because they’re girls.

In any case, Tanuma’s story is worth looking at a bit more closely.

First, a summary of the actual plot:

Tanuma receives a mysterious, persistent, explicitly gender-ambiguous “human” visitor who turns out to be Misuzu (the powerful horse yōkai) in disguise. He’s excited by the opportunity to get to know a yōkai, so Natsume decides to support him, despite his fears, by hovering like gnat and glaring at Misuzu while they go around looking at scenery. Eventually it’s revealed that Tanuma has been quietly possessed by Misuzu’s fellow marsh guardian… soulmate… friend thing, and that it’s this “Sasame” who Misuzu has been interested in, rather than Tanuma. There’s a climax where Sasame tries to escape being removed from Tanuma, and Tanuma empathizes with their relative lack of power because he sees Sasame (who is very weak) with Misuzu as being similar to himself with Natsume. Sensei confronts Sasame about their motivations, thereby leading to Sasame voluntarily leaving and joining Misuzu in their wooden-doll-possessing-competition… thing. 

Though nominally platonic, the story is romantic and emotional, centering on the gap in power between Natsume and Tanuma and their mutual attempts to bridge that gap without actually talking about it.

The first thing I’d like to talk about is the imagery.

Chronologically left to right this time. Tanuma looks odd on the right because of Sasame. Friendly reminder that Midorikawa-Sensei hates drawing hands.

Japanese culture is not physically demonstrative or openly emotional in general, but young children and teen girls are allowed far more leeway than teen boys and adults. So much so that teen girls can even hold hands in a “romantic” way and still be assumed to be straight. This is not as visible in Natsume Yūjinchō as in Midorikawa-sensei’s other work, since there’s only one recurring teen girl. But it is visible in her art for Season 6 of the anime, where Sasada and Taki are holding hands in the background. It’s also apparent in the way that different characters express themselves. Female characters are more physically emotional, and more visibly vulnerable than male characters. For example, male characters do not usually hold their hands in front of their stomach or their chest—a somewhat defensive gesture—and will ball up their fists at their side instead. (Or use Sensei as a shield.) Male vulnerability is mostly expressed through facial expressions.

So even for a boy like Tanuma, this kind of emotional gesture is notable. A single example would be interesting. Two is suspicious. Three is a pattern. This fits the theory that this story is meant to break open a new arc in Natsume and Tanuma’s relationship; changing course requires far more effort than staying on the new course. It’s exactly what Taki’s story was yelling about right before it veered off into “family” territory—except Tanuma’s story stayed consistent. The hand-over-heart, standing-on-water scene was on the very first page, without even a chapter cover to get in the way. The longing, out-stretched hand is from a scene that sets the emotional context for Tanuma’s behavior. The heart-clutching is part of the climax. Every one of these is directly or implicitly linked to his feelings about Natsume.

The out-stretched hand is particularly important. This is the dialog that sets it up:

あのヒト妖だったのか… すごいものだな　普通に人間に見えているのに… ささいで小さな妖との繋がりのかけら　夏目はいつもあんなに苦労している　それを知ってるのに夏目が見ているものを一緒に見てみたいと思ってしまう　ー夏目は強い　おれもそうだった���あんなに心配させずにー　… どうしたんだ　おれらしくもない　…なんだか欲ばりだ

“[Spoken aloud to himself] That person was an ayakashi…? What an amazing thing. Even though they look like an ordinary human… [Internally] Such a tiny, insignificant fragment of a connection to ayakashi. Natsume is always going through so much trouble. I know that, but I still find myself thinking I’d like to see the things he sees, together. —Natsume is strong. If I were too, without worrying him— [it would be possible to do something]… What’s the deal? That’s not like me. …Kind of greedy.”

When Tanuma is talking to Natsume about something similar in “Tenjō-san,” his wording is vague, potentially even reading as envy though that doesn’t really suit the context. He says he’d “like to see the same world as [Natsume], sometimes.” Here in the privacy of his own mind, he’s more clear. This scene, with it’s implication that Tanuma wants to share Natsume’s world, is implicitly romantic—particularly in light of Taki’s furry yōkai story. 

Though there were several moments when Natsume seemed suspicious of the nature of the furry yōkai’s feelings for Taki (never explicit), it’s reading the letter at the end that seems to convince him. In this letter, the yōkai expresses their gratitude for Taki’s help, and their desire to “see the beautiful mountains and beautiful valleys” with Taki. In fact, the wording itself is suspiciously familiar.

If we set aside the obvious differences and focus on the emotional core of the letter, we get:

[~]をともに見てみたいと思ってしまった。

“I found myself thinking I’d like to see [the beautiful mountains and beautiful valleys] together.”

Compare Tanuma:

[~]を一緒に見てみたいと思ってしまう。

“I find myself thinking I’d like to see [the things Natsume sees] together.”

There are two differences here. One, the word for “together”: the yokai’s letter uses the formal/written ともに, whereas Tanuma’s thought uses the casual/spoken 一緒に. The words are otherwise completely identical in meaning, so this difference should probably be considered functionally meaningless. The other difference is actually in Tanuma’s favor.

What I translated as “I find/found myself thinking” is the auxiliary verb しまう. This word has no real equivalent in English. It means “to finish completely” but is commonly used to add a nuance of lack of intention and probably regret to an action. For example, where an English speaker might say “Oh no, I forgot!” the Japanese speaker would say “I forgot—shimatta!” If “shimatta” sounds familiar, that’s because it’s very common and can even be used on its own (where it is frequently—and hilariously—translated as “damn”).

Here both furry yōkai and Tanuma are using しまう to express regret or even self-reproach for their seemingly futile desires as well as (in Tanuma’s case) the sense that the desire is selfish. The difference is the conjugation. Furry yōkai uses the perfective aspect—often taught as “past tense” because that’s the primary use—which indicates the completion of an action. Tanuma is using the imperfective, which indicates a lack of completion either because something is ongoing (recurring, not continuous), or because it is yet to be performed at all (future).

Grammatically there are a few different interpretations of perfective vs imperfective, but in this context only one thing makes sense. The furry yōkai is encapsulating his desire as a singular experience, something they have wrapped up and set to the side (consistent with their refusal to engage directly with Taki or allow Natsume to do so for them) and don’t expect to deal with in the future. Tanuma, on the other hand, considers this desire to be an issue he struggles with repeatedly and sees no quick end to. Even though he, like the furry yōkai, knows it to be impossible, he can’t let it go—and nor can the story.

Regardless of any potential parallels to Taki’s furry yōkai, this desire to see yōkai in order to share them with Natsume is a major theme. While we do occasionally go a few pages without being reminded, Tanuma’s motivations in this story are neither subtle nor subtext. The logic is fairly straightforward:

Knowing a yōkai ⇒ having a connection to the yōkai world ⇒ having a connection to Natsume’s world ⇒ being closer to Natsume.

The scene above lays it out all but explicitly, but this motivation is referenced multiple times (not in order):

—“I can’t let him keep worrying forever. If there’s anything that would help hurry things along even a little…” [While investigating a dream.]

—“I was happy that your ayakashi friend seemed to take an interest in me.”

––“[I miss feeling like I knew a yōkai but] I still had a good time, in the end. I got to see the same things as you.”

—“So that means I get to know a yōkai Natsume knows?”

The last one is rather telling. First, because it confirms the connection to Natsume is important to him. Second, because he says it while holding Sensei. Sensei does not “count” for this purpose because Sensei is not inaccessible. Even completely ordinary people like Nishimura and Kitamoto interact with Sensei on a regular basis, albeit without realizing he can talk. Tanuma wants more than that. But even more, he wants more than what’s available to, well, Taki—the other “ordinary” person who talks to Sensei.

Yet all of this serves only to reinforce a pre-existing theme. For Taki, the yōkai world is intrinsically emotionally bound to her grandfather. For Tanuma, it’s emotionally bound to Natsume himself. Further, he sees it as a barrier between them that he needs power to overcome. This has a long-running basis:

—When they first meet, Natsume makes it clear he wants to talk to Tanuma because he believes Tanuma can see the same things. Tanuma, likewise, wants to meet Natsume because he’s heard they’re similar. It makes sense, then, that he would see their relationship—and his worth as a friend—as being strongly tied to yōkai.

—In Tanuma’s special, his second major appearance, he frets about his weakness being the reason Natsume always lies and disappears without warning. He knows that Natsume is trying to protect him from yōkai trouble, but secretly fights the fear that Natsume is disappointed in his lack of power. The story ends with him wondering whether Natsume will ever tell him “what color the fish [in Tanuma’s yōkai pond] are” and whether he’ll ever be able to ask. Natsume talking about the yōkai pond, then, is established as a metaphor for Natsume opening up and treating Tanuma as a genuine friend.

—In the mirror arc, Tanuma borrows the yokai’s sight (i.e. power) because he wants to see what Natsume is reacting to. The yōkai later tells Natsume “It was what he wanted. […] Even though he knows [you’re trying to be kind] he doesn’t understand. Even though he’s right beside you, not knowing…” Earlier in the story, there’s a mildly comic set of exchanges where he repeatedly gushes about how “amazing” Natsume’s ability is.

—In “The Other Side of the Glass,” Tanuma’s flashback to Natsume not paying attention while he plays shogi connects the yōkai world to Tanuma’s perception of being kept at a distance. That is, Natsume is mentally drawn away from Tanuma by things that Tanuma (normally) cannot even see and therefore cannot work against. Tanuma eventually breaks down because he feels that in trying to be involved, he’s become “a burden” who “doesn’t know how far to intrude” and “doesn’t want to put up walls because of that.” At the end, he’s wistful about leaving the yōkai world and losing his sight.

—In “Distant Festival Lights” Tanuma reveals he “never even imagined” that yōkai were real until he met Natsume. Thus yōkai as something real to be wondered at must be inextricably bound to Natsume himself.

For several stories afterward, this desire is shifted to the background as the narrative focuses on what Tanuma can do: provide emotional support (as with Natsume’s story about his unwed grandmother) and run interference in the background. Tanuma’s desire to see yōkai does not come up during this calm period. However, the theme starts to creep back in with the ryokan story, along with his lack of faith in his own abilities—he assumes a real vision was “just a dream” because there’s nothing there when he wakes up, and apologizes to Natsume for reacting to it.

In Tenjō-san, he talks about how he feels about Natsume’s world:

夏目の世界はあいまいなものがいっぱいなんだな　おれは…やっぱり時々夏目と同じ世界を見てみたいなと思うけど　見えるものが違うからこそ確認しあえることもあるのかもしれないなって…

“Your [Natsume’s] world is full of ambiguous things, isn’t it? I… still think I’d like to the the same world as you, sometimes. But I also think maybe there are times when it’s because the things we see are different that we can confirm things for each other.” [Emphasis is original.]

In other words, this story is really just foregrounding something that’s always been subtext.

Which brings me to my next point: the use of mirroring. I assumed from the start that Misuzu was a mirror for Natsume in order to parallel Taki’s brother as a mirror. There seemed to be some basis for this in the first chapter—in spending so much time talking with Tanuma, Misuzu was preventing Natsume from talking to Tanuma. (Natsume frets about not getting to talk to Tanuma “at all” because the guest had been coming “for a few days.”) And in taking Tanuma around to look at various scenery, Misuzu’s actions are suspiciously similar to what Natsume worries about failing at: “Even though I have him right beside me, I keep him company with nothing but talk of scenery we cannot share.” [Emphasis mine.] The mirroring ended up being more explicit than I expected: Tanuma openly compares Sasame and Misuzu’s relationship to his with Natsume. This is an interesting narrative technique, for a couple of reasons.

Sasame—and Misuzu in particular—are not just yōkai. They are yōkai who act very differently from humans, to the point that it’s specifically highlighted. Of all the yōkai Natsume knows, Misuzu is one of the least human. They chose the form of a horse. They have a frog as a “retainer.” They once “tested" Natsume’s worthiness with a deadly curse. And in this story itself, they complain that they don’t understand why Natsume won’t just order them around, even though they specifically allowed him that power. In other words, they express themselves in ways that are not easily mapped onto human behavior. This is important because it allows the Misuzu/Sasame to Natsume/Tanuma mirroring to be opaque in many ways. For example, it’s not at all clear what the Natsume/Tanuma equivalent of possessing identical dolls and having a boisterous contest would be. This means that the story can move forward with strong emotional overtones while also refusing to define exactly what kind of relationship they’re supposed to have. It’s a convenient excuse to have two characters behave in a very romantic way without having to justify why they’re not actually in a romantic relationship. This is nearly the opposite of Taki’s story, where the use of her brother as mirror (if intentional) has strongly platonic overtones.

Another example of deliberate (and clever) muddling is in the presentation of Sasame and Tanuma’s emotions while Sasame inhabits Tanuma. Both characters are implied to be influenced by the other. Tanuma says “What’s the deal? That’s not like me. Kind of greedy.” Later, Sasame tells Sensei not to worry about Tanuma because “There was something off with me. [It’s not like me to] take advantage of the child of man this way.” Neither of them are really suggesting that the nature of emotions are strange, only more self-centered than usual. This suggests that their desires are so aligned, they effectively amplified each other, creating a stronger sense of desperation and thus greed. For example, both of them enjoyed their “daily routine” with Misuzu and Natsume, for related reasons. Sasame wanted to share Misuzu’s world, and Tanuma wanted to share Natsume’s world via Misuzu. 

However, since Sasame!Tanuma’s actions are influenced by the emotions of both characters, it’s difficult to tease out exactly who is feeling what. When Tanuma is so happy to get dragged off by Misuzu, is that because—as he later tells Natsume—he was “happy that your ayakashi friend seemed to take an interest in me”—happy that part of Natsume’s world was actively trying to involve him? Or was it because Sasame was happy about Misuzu’s active involvement? To a certain extent, it’s beside the point. These characters are mirrors. What Tanuma feels about Misuzu is what Sasame feels about Misuzu is what Tanuma feels about Natsume. Both want to be closer and more involved. Both are afraid of being left behind, of being “unable to keep up.”

On a similar note, we return to the mirroring between Natsume and Misuzu. Misuzu smirks through much of the story, but shows serious vulnerability on more than one occasion—right before returning to smirking. This suggests that Misuzu is hiding just how invested they are. Though they express themselves in very yōkai-like ways, Misuzu is just as concerned about Sasame as Natsume is about Tanuma. Misuzu even uses the same phrase, 付き合う or “to keep company,” as Natsume. That is, Natsume says he will “keep [Tanuma] company” with Misuzu because Tanuma has “kept me company so many times when I was involved with yōkai.” Misuzu later explains their own behavior, saying that they only intended to “keep Sasame company in whatever it is they want to do.” Both, then, are shown to not entirely understand their companions motivations, but to want to indulge them regardless. The implication is that they mirror each other in their style of showing affection.

Further, both Misuzu and Natsume seem clueless as to their companion’s desires. Natsume shows progress in understanding, but is repeatedly distracted by Misuzu. Misuzu, for their part, claims that Sasame retains possession of Tanuma because Tanuma is “comfortable” and “easy to possess,” apparently unaware that Sasame is specifically enjoying the new type of companionship with Misuzu that having a human body offers. On the same note, Misuzu’s confusion about why they want to spend time with Sasame!Tanuma in such “odd” ways is interesting in the context of being Natsume’s mirror. It suggests that Natsume himself does not quite understand how he feels about spending time with Tanuma like this. The reveal that Misuzu was actually talking to Sasame only makes this confusion more poignant: Misuzu does not understand why they are enjoying simply walking around, looking at nostalgic places with their favorite companion, when they had come for a boisterous contest. This is another good example of how being yōkai make the parallels somewhat opaque.

Another interesting point is the way in which Natsume’s feelings balance Tanuma’s. Though we’re given somewhat more access into how Tanuma feels, due to Natsume being distracted by Misuzu, we do get a hint of the broader problem. Natsume is worried about whether Tanuma will “listen and smile” for him “forever.” Then he chides himself for only “keeping Tanuma company with nothing but talk of scenery we cannot share.” When Tanuma sympathizes with Sasame, he points out how “unbearably painful” it is to be “unable to keep up with your friend.” Both Natsume and Tanuma use いつでも “forever” in the context of trying to make their companion happy. For Tanuma, it’s because he knows he worries Natsume. For Natsume, it’s the concern about Tanuma's interest in "scenery we cannot share." Tanuma is worried about spiritual power, and how it would (in theory) facilitate being closer to Natsume. Natsume, on the other hand, is worried about his actual relationship skills. He knows that he’s not giving Tanuma as much as he should, but doesn’t seem to have any ideas about what he should give. The only thing we have to go on is “scenery we cannot share,” which suggests that moving forward might involve finding scenery they can share—exactly like they did with Misuzu. So there’s a sense that they’re both actively trying to find a way forward, but they’re not communicating well enough to do it right.

There is one way in which the story could be read as explicitly platonic. When describing the marshes that they and Sasame protect, Misuzu describes them as being “like identical twins.” If this is intended to mark them as “surrogate twins,” then obviously that would be a platonic reading. However, I don’t think this is the case. Instead, I think this more “soulmate” subtext. After all, it’s not Misuzu and Sasame who are described as “identical twins,” but the appearance of their homes. And place, in Natsume Yūjinchō, is often a stand-in for something like heart.

For example, many of Taki’s stories happen in her home, to symbolize the importance of family to her. Likewise, the Fujiwaras home is a symbol of the affection and safe boundaries they provide to Natsume. Natsume had to let go of the “Natsume” family home before he could move on from the loss of his parents. More dramatic is Reiko’s field of flowers: isolated, hidden from human and yōkai alike, a secret for Reiko alone, yet beautiful—and blue for Souko, the girl who came the closest to seeing her true self. The pond that’s so important for this story is also symbolic: it’s both the place where Natsume and Tanuma’s powers meet and the place where Misuzu and Sasame meet to be together.

But more directly relevant is the story of Gen and Sui: the gods who inhabited a “set of two” dog statues and protected a village from afar, until Sui’s statue was destroyed and she became a demon. The term 一対 implies either a perfectly matched set, or items that are nearly identical but with a twist (like male and female or silver and gold). So while the word “twin” wasn’t used in that story, it’s conceptually very similar to how the marshes were described. Misuzu is an explicitly genderless horse-person and Sasame is literally formless, but Gen and Sui were heavily anthropomorphized and explicitly gendered as male and female. And while the nature of their relationship is never explicit, Gen and Sui made much more sense as a romantic couple than as siblings. For one thing, their style of speech is consistent with an old-fashioned couple (similar to Touko-san and Shigeru-san’s). They also use similar romantic language as other couples, like wanting to “be able to be together forever” and being “happy because you were there.” So the reading that Sasame and Misuzu’s “twin” marshes are symbols of emotional compatibility—and their need to be together—is at least consistent with how Midorikawa-sensei has written in the past.

For a while I was troubled by the symbolism of Sasame’s fading marsh in this context. It’s a terrible fit for Misuzu and Sasame (and thus Natsume and Tanuma) being “like identical twins,” but didn’t seem to fit much better with the idea of their hearts being “like identical twins.” But eventually it occurred to me that the fading of Sasame’s marsh along with their powers did fit with a certain view of “heart”—just not the limited scope of love. In Japanese, “heart” has roughly the same set of metaphorical meanings as in English, but with an additional dash of “mind” depending on context. So think emotions, deep thoughts, sincere beliefs. Sort of an “inner self” thing. In this context it’s easier to understand how Sasame’s heart has been weakened. With their diminishing existence and the “widening gap” in power, Sasame is emotionally stretched thin. Fading hope, the strain of feeling left behind by someone they adore, the belief that the one thing they have no control over is the one thing that matters the most. This is Sasame’s fading heart—and this is what they have in common with Tanuma.

And in fact this fits Sasame’s dialog, as they wonder whether taking advantage of Tanuma, and focusing so much on Misuzu’s power, means their heart has grown “barren” along with their power.

This might be depressing but for the implication that it’s not actually Sasame’s or Tanuma’s power itself that has made them feel this way. It’s the fact that they have been following an old, inadequate rulebook with Misuzu (and Natsume), and need to communicate in order to adapt. Sasame frets about power, but when they comment on the “liveliness” around Misuzu, Sensei makes a point:

にぎやかから満たされているとも限るまい

“I suppose we can’t assume that lively surroundings always mean that one is fulfilled.”

This triggers Sasame’s memory of Misuzu’s “nostalgia” comments, and their realization that “It’s not as if [Misuzu] came hoping I would just be strong.” In other words, there is something about Sasame (Tanuma) that is important to Misuzu (Natsume) that cannot be replaced by all the other “lively” people and yōkai in the world. What exactly this means for them and their future is left unspoken, but it’s clearly emotional:

“I’m sorry [for what I did], child of Man. Surely, even without being able to keep up…[something they want will be possible]”

The way the story ends, as well, feels pointed. As I mentioned earlier, Taki’s story did not fit my conception of “setting a romantic arc in motion” because it felt too finished. The only thing arguably unfinished in the end is Taki’s new friendship with Girl-With-Crush. The end-cap is Natsume cheerfully affirming the importance of keeping promises to family-figures (in this case Sensei, to whom he promised an eclair for dealing with Taki). This is superimposed over an image of the gift from Taki’s brother and grandfather: a rock painted with floral designs (it's a fake yokai connection [the stonewashers], but authentic feelings). The overall feeling is that Natsume has solved all their issues. He convinced Taki she could talk to him, figured out why her brother was acting weird and helped the siblings uncover the gift that was meant to help tie them together, then finally observed Taki having positive social interaction with someone who wasn’t yōkai-adjacent. (Note that Natsume had nothing to do with Taki’s new friendship; it was the girl herself who worked up the courage to approach Taki. And she used sweets—the language Taki speaks—to do so, showing a higher level of mental compatibility than anyone else thus far.) There’s no sense that Natsume’s feelings about Taki have shifted, that he sees her any differently, or that he has any curiosity about her future romantic life.

On the other hand, the ending of Tanuma’s story does what Taki’s didn’t: it leaves a suggestive opening. Tanuma happily says goodbye “Again, tomorrow!” in much the same way as Misuzu has been, implying a return to regular close interaction—and perhaps a more deliberately “daily” interaction. Then Misuzu reappears, and smirkingly tells Natsume “Tanuma Kaname is a rather fun/interesting guy.” Choosing to use Tanuma’s full name for the first time is all but a wink, and using 中々 for “rather” suggests either they’ve begun to see Tanuma with new eyes—or they think Natsume has and they’re making a point of noticing— 中々 has a connotation of “unusually high” or “more than expected.” Natsume’s unimpressed reaction suggests he’s not pleased at the idea of Misuzu’s renewed interest or teasing, and he pointedly reminds Misuzu of Sasame, asking how their “contest” went. Misuzu’s counter that it is, essentially, private is overlaid on an image of the contest’s meeting place: the pond which, to Tanuma, symbolizes both the connection and the barrier between him and Natsume. The pond whose dripping water Natsume was distracted from when Misuzu arrived. This has a strong implication that there’s something about Natsume and Tanuma’s relationship that’s not meant to be shared outside the two of them.

This is all… more than a bit suggestive. But it’s not explicit.

It’s not clear how Misuzu and Sasame will move forward, considering they ended with the same “competition” as usual, but we know they have learned from the experience. Both Misuzu and Sasame found that they enjoyed a quieter way of being together, and Sasame began to realize that Misuzu sees them as more than just someone to play games of strength with.

Likewise it’s not clear how Natsume and Tanuma will move forward, though the fact that they spent time basically looking at scenery together is a neat counterpoint to Natsume’s lament that he “does nothing but talk about scenery we cannot share.” It’s also something they can do without Misuzu or Sasame—as they did with the fireworks so long ago. They do make explicit progress when Natsume, hurt by Tanuma’s reticence, reminds him that “it doesn’t matter whether it’s yōkai or not, if something is bothering you, you should tell me!” However, this is only a single facet of their problem. It’s the sort of thing they ought to have been taking for granted by now, but it doesn’t really answer the question of what they can actively do together to find contentment. There’s a sense that they’re making progress, but still have somewhere to go. Acknowledging that they want to talk about something other than yōkai is simply the first step in that direction.

In the end, there’s still quite a bit I haven’t gotten into: the use of suspiciously suggestive wording, and the way Misuzu is positioned as a subtextual rival. The way Tanuma’s insecurity about his powers mirrors his insecurity about his relationship with Natsume. The various connections to earlier stories. Tanuma’s romanticization of selflessness and the way this, with his insecurity, is an obstacle in their relationship. But this meta needed to end at some point, so this is as good as any.

I’m still uncertain as to the intent of this story. I still don’t know whether it meant to lay down romantic subtext or just sort of stumbled clumsily into it. But no matter what, it’s a deeply emotional story that solidifies Tanuma’s singularity and significance, and the importance of being closer to Natsume. So whatever may happen with Taki, or with Tanuma, there is some comfort to be had in that.

[capricxs]

i want the k!!! but u can choose who are the lucky ones to get it asdfgjklds

it’s a k... that’s all that matters

“this is quite nice, isn’t it, mckinney?” cards are dealt, matthew picking up his own as the other men do the same, “nice little family getaway up north? duck hunting, singing by the fire, quite posh.” darrow always seemed to talk in a mocking tone. matthew had never figured if that was the way he spoke, or just the way he spoke to matthew.

“i suppose,” he says plainly, glancing at his cards. 

the royal family had taken a trip north to gather in their second home. the king liked to hunt with his son as the ladies went horseback riding. they were watched, but security detail was much smaller, leaving matthew and some of his work companions, left to linger in the home. hence the cards.

“have you had another slumber party with the little princess? paint her toes let her braid your hair?” darrow earns a few snickers from around the table but matthew has never allowed any of the comments to come across his face.

“well last night victoria wanted to paint my toes chartreuse. it is a very flatting color on me i must say. you on the other hand, darrow, could never pull it off.” he looks up, laying his cards down to throw in a couple chips. there’s a few more snickers and matthew lets out a shallow, and rather unamused breath. “i hope mocking my work makes you feel better because i see no point to it otherwise.”

“i don’t understand you, mckinney.” darrow chuckles, “you’re so far up her ass you can’t even see that siding with her takes away your humanity. she abandoned us. she abandoned you.”

“i’m quite aware.” he watches as his fellow coworkers start throwing their chips in. “yet people are redeemable. i would think it’s just as pathetic that you’re not willing to accept that many of us now take care of children.” he meets darrow’s eyes. “no one knows what the fuck they’re doing, and none of those children understood the choices of their parents.”

“we lost everything because of this family.”

“yet you kiss their ass and protect their lives. you are the one worth mocking, darrow. no one is forcing you to stick your nose in their shit.” he sighs. “excuse me, gentlemen, i’m rather hungry.” he pushes all of his chips into the middle, getting up and leaving the table. “i will see you at supper.”

“oh, this smells lovely, ladies,” matthew grins, placing a hand on the shoulder of one of the cooks. “what does a man have to do to get a plate?” he bats his lashes, his teeth sparkling.

“a face like that, i would think you spoiled, babe.” one of the women pats his cheeks and he chuckles. “it’s impossible to say no.”

“you are all wonderful.” he watches as the scoop him small helpings, giving him a fork. “truly beautiful, cherished women. i would marry you all if i could.”

“would you like a pardon to?” he hears victoria from the doorway, and he straightens, fork already in his mouth. she strolls in, smirk across her face. “my father could work something out for you all.”

the ladies straighten their back but keep their heads tucked. matthew looked back to one of them and leans, “would you be able to share me properly?”

they giggle, and he grins, looking back at victoria, who now stands fully in the kitchen. “what can i do for you, princess?” he holds his smile, watching at her shoulders fall. rather than point it out, or take too heavy of notice, he takes another bite of his food.

“there’s a bookstore just on the outskirt of town. father gave me permission to go. they’re very familiar with me, it isn’t a threat to us, i promise.” her lips press together, as if waiting for his denial.

matthew takes another bite, contemplating just what she’s saying. he’s not aware of this bookstore. for all he knows, she could be lying so he takes her there. but he knows that this is far more remote than anywhere else they’ve been. far more remote than italy. it’s entirely possible that the bookstore is there mainly for the family, and they alone keep it in business. 

“alright.” he says after finishing his plate and turning around to the cooks. “sorry i couldn’t chat ladies.” hands rest on their backs again and they all share their own coos towards him. he retreats back to victoria, a hand resting on her back as he leads her out of the kitchen. “got bored with horses?”

“yes,” she smiles, looking up at him, “but more so wanted a change in company.”

“that so?” he can’t help but smile. 

she nods, and his hand falls from her back when they reach the main entrance. she is helped into her light jacket, and handed her bag. matthew nods as he takes the keys and the door opens for the both of them. 

their drive was longer than matthew had expected, but it was quiet. not silent, but it wasn’t filled with words until the moment they pulled into the gravel parking spot. something about victoria had settled into something meek and he wasn’t sure if it was the small enclosure of being together. he knew that not long before the family trip, he’d sneaked her off to attend a close friend’s birthday. a celebration of life and happiness in a way she’d never lived before.

maybe she thought about his hands the way he did her’s. he was left rather speechless too, the way they’d danced and laughed and he whispered in her ear until she giggled in return. how he could parade her around and she followed him for once. maybe she thought a lot about how close they were. he’d held her close, dancing to the somber songs he loved, their clutched hands held so close to his heartbeat and he’d tell her that she fit well into this life. maybe he should have said how well she fit into his life. 

but unlike darrow, his comrades of the war could see her dazzling personality. his comrades, who had always supported the difficult place he’d been put in, and respected his work, and cheered for his emotional success, took note of their very nature. while it was said in a much more crass way, he knew their tones were genuine. it wasn’t until one had finally said that nothing heals unless it’s dealt with, and nothing good can come of avoiding anything, that he really took it in.

he’d thought about it a lot. almost every day.

matthew had lead victoria in the store, but had asked her to remain by the door until he’d made sure there was no one else other than the clerk. the store was tremendously small, and cluttered with books. he’d looped aorund with ease in a matter of seconds. the clerk, being over the age of seventy no doubt, had recognized victoria immediately and bowed his head, giving her a tender smile. “would you care for a tour of new arrivals you might like? or if your grace going to wander herself.”

“i think i’ll take looking upon myself this time, edward, thank you.” she nods, starting to move, to which matthew followed.

even if it was small, it was tremendously private. she’d ducked around smaller corners and nooks leading into more narrow paths her fingers trace along the spine of books and she stops, picking one form it’s tight hold in it’s spot. “matthew,” she says quietly.

“yes, princess.” he says, standing behind her as she flips to the back of the book.

“i have something to tell you.” her voices is becoming a whisper and his eyebrows pull together. he watches her eyes scan the back and then put the book back, moving a few feet to pick out a new book. “my parents brought the family here because there’s been some news. they’ve been in arrangement for months with another country.” her fingers are delicate, running over the words on the back. she clutches it to her chest. “i’m going to be married.”

at first, he hadn’t processed the words completely, then they sunk in and he wasn’t quite sure how to emote. “wait, that still happens?”

“yes,” she sighs, moving to the other shelf across from them, but matthew doesn’t move. “i had a choice, of course, but i decided yes.”

“why would you do that?” he’s frowning, but more so confused than anything else.

he just sees her shrug, her face turned form his as she takes a second book from the shelf. 

“a shrug isn’t an answer, victoria.”

“what else am i good for, matthew?” she sighs. “what else is there for me?”

he presses his lips together, hanging his head low. she’s given him opportunity upon opportunity. she’s laid herself out for him, willing and open. this he knows. but he has turned her away each time. rejected her flat out and wanted nothing to do with that part of her. he made this bed and he must lie in it.

“i think you deserve better.”

“what if better doesn’t want me?” she snaps her head, looking directly at him. he can see that her eyes are a bit red. he can’t imagine the night she’d found out, the night she agreed. was he there that night? had he said goodnight without even knows what she’d agreed to. when he was thinking about her blissful eyes and the way her hand resting against his heartbeat, she was thinking about giving herself away to a stranger.

those lingering silences in the car were not for him but a sorrow towards someone else.

he wants to apologize. wants to tell her not to punish herself. she’s young, she’s beautiful, this doesn’t have to be the life she lives. but he understands that he knows nothing. matthew serves best when his mouth is closed and this is a moment to practice that. so his eyes fall and he hears her shaky breath escape, too weak to be a scoff but the displeasure in his reaction is there.

he remains still when she finally moves. just to the next nook. he stands. he lets her have her own space before she comes back to him minutes later, a third book in her arms. he wonders if this was the purpose of the trip. she wanted a solace moment to tell him the truth. to hear it from her rather from whispers. but why not in her chambers? did she want something more intimate? did she hope that trapped within these bookcases he would sweep her off her feet and confess?

did she plan for him to kiss here between the pages of her favorite romantics?

she should know better that he’s too much of a coward for that.

“i’m ready.” she says quietly, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. he gestures a hand forward, and moves behind her as she goes to check out. she talks fondly with the clerk and he takes out a fourth book for her, delicately. it’s beautiful, kept in a plastic bag, and he knows that it’s beautifully old and priceless. she thanks him, and adds it to her pile.

matthew glances outside the door, seeing that it’s begun to rain. it’s pouring, in fact. the evening sky has set in and the clouds only appear to make it darker. lighting strikes across them and the thunder shakes the old bookshop, including the old clerk. 

“i didn’t think to grab an umbrella.” matthew thinks out loud, looking out the window as victoria turns to him.

“it’s fine.” she wraps her jacket around her bulky bag of new old books. matthew opens the door for her, and she quickly runs out into the open. matthew is quick to follow, jogging across the now muggy dirt and gravel parking lot. he runs around to quickly open the door for victoria, shutting it behind her and running to the other side himself. with a long exhale, he brushes the rain from his face and glances over to her. she reveals the books to be dry, but her hair now lays in flat waves on her face. the mud has ruined her heels and her breath his shaky. matthew turns on the car and turns up the heat.

beginning his drive, he can’t help but keep looking over to her. she’s shivering, leaning her head against the window and clutching herself tightly. after a while, and probably after a long time of her noticing him constantly looking over to her, she huffs, “you’re a dumb man, matthew.”

“i know that.”

“so dumb.”

“i’m aware.”

“it’s infuriating most of the time.”

“i think your opinion is valid.”

“why couldn’t you have just made this easy on me? why couldn’t this just be what it should be.”

“i think it’s because i’m a dumb man.”

“you really are.”

“i’m sorry about that.”

“are you though?” she sits up, but he has to keep his eyes on the road, the rain creating a symphony to her anger. “i hardly know anything when it comes to you so how can i be so sure?”

“you know more about me than most people, victoria.” his eyebrows furrow together. “there’s nothing more i would hope for than you to trust me.”

“you’re supposed to protect me but you can’t even protect me from yourself, you prick!” she shouts.

it startles him a bit, not expecting her to raise her voice in the car. “i’m… i’m sorry.” he runs a hand through his hair. he should have know. he knew as simple as it was that she wanted him, but it was naive of him not to see to the degree she wanted him. even in the bookstore, he hadn’t had a full grasp of just how much this had meant to her. in some way, he still doesn’t.

“you’ve said that.” she grumbles, sitting back in her seat. “can we just… stop talking?”

“sure.” he nods, and that’s the end of that. 

matthew, feeling the pouring rain hit his skin, his clothes, being to run down his back and every creavice as he stood, holding the door open for victoria. she climbed out, and the two of them began quickly for the rear door, knwoing that tracking mud into the main entrance would be less than desirable.

“matthew.” victoria stops, clutching her books under her coat, letting the rain fall onto her.

he stops, turning to look at her. it’s almost dark now. he can still see her face but it’s dim, and he can still see her shivering. “there’s going to be celebration of my engagement in a few weeks. i think you should have that day off.”

he stands before her, shocked, his head back. he didn’t know what to make of all of what she’d just said. he knew she meant it. she’d never say it without meaning it. but it hurt. it hurt more than anything she’s ever said or done. was this punishment? did she so badly not want to be around him that she was going to tell him to leave the very celebration of her own big moment?

he wasn’t going to hide the hurt expression, but why would he put up the fight. instead he stared at her. what if they hadn’t gotten here? what would it take for her to say no to all of this? asking seemed like too much abuse of his own power. 

“we need to go inside.” he finally said, and he placed a hand on her back, ushering her in, but she was quick to move away from his fingers. 

when they got inside, the women in the kitchen celebrated their entrance. both were silent. they marched up the narrow stairs and matthew trailed behind her. he could go to his own chambers. instead he followed her. he closed the door behind them, and watched as she took the books from under the jacket, setting the wet bag onto her dresser and sighing. “matthew, this isn’t the palace, you don’t need to stand in my chambers to protect me.”

“i know,” he sighs, hand still on the doorknob, as if to make a quick getaway if he decides. but he sees her turn, and he sees her wet clothes clinging to her body, and the way her hair sticks to her skin and the way the dim, brooding light from the windows is catching her skin and he wishes this had never happens.

“why are you doing this, then?” she throws her arms in defeat, her body completely deflated. 

his hand starts to lose it’s grip on the doorknob. he takes a step forward, looking over her again. he thinks about how she laughed when he made jokes and the way she sang in his car coming back from that party. wiping salsa from his lip and whispering things back and forth so no one could hear that they were talking about others at the party.

“i don’t know,” he confessed.

what he knew was that his body carried him across the room. he was quick, and moved with certainty. talking long, wet strides, he was met with her, and he could feel her shaky breath against him. it was only a second of lingering looks, but he took hold of her face, his fingers wrapped around her jaw, the pads of his fingers pressing into her skin as he brought his lips to her’s. there was no hesitation. nothing about the way he kissed her was delicate. it was everything he couldn’t be. her lips were cold and he imagined his own were too but he kissed her more. their lips parted and filled with gasps and his grip wouldn’t loosen.

her hands were frantic, tugging onto him tightly. his arm wrapped around her waist and pulled her flush against his chest. his hand finally let go of her jaw to tangle in her soaked hair. every thought. every dream. every whisper of desire he had to kiss her, and touch her, flowed out of him and it felt out of control. her lips were everything he wanted and feeling her tongue set his skin ablaze. he hadn’t noticed her working the buttons of his shirt until her hands slid onto the skin of his chest, back over his shoulders, and tangling in his hair. 

he pushed her back, quickly lifting her to sit on the dresser. he heard her whimper, but his heavy pants covered it up as his lips moved over her neck, kissing and biting and sucking. she purred his name just like he’d always dreamed of and it was sweeter than he’d imagined. sweet enough to bring his hand back to her jaw, holding onto her tightly and bringing their lips together as he did before. her breaths escaped between kisses and she nipped and tugged on his lip, earning a groan. 

his hands pressed to the exposed skin of her thighs, her skirt already starting to ride up her skin. her looked down for a brief moment, watching as his hand pushed the wet fabric back, slowly, but with intent. he looked up to meet her eyes, be it just for a moment. she nodded, and he sighed, moving in to kiss her again.

his fingers moved quickly, sliding under her skirt to tug her panties from her hips, letting them slide off her ankles onto the floor. he hadn’t much to say, but he kept kissing her. he couldn’t find a way to stop. not when she was working the buckle of his belt, or pulling down his trousers, his hands felt her body, in all the ways he wanted to. a hand running up her calve, like he did that night at the gala. gently grazing the back of her knee, feeling her shiver against his chest. he felt the soft skin of her thigh, and in a quick pull, moved her against the edge of the dresser. 

he adjusted himself, and within moments, heard her moan as he was inside her. his hand braced the mirror of the dresser, giving him a bit of leverage. her hands cupped his face, kissing him over and over again as her moans and cries filler her chest. his thrusts here quick. his mind was not concerned with giving the most satisfaction experience victoria had ever had. but her skin was addictive and he needed to feel what it was like to be with her. having her legs wrap around his waist, tugging him in, whispering pleas in his ears, meant something. but he pressed his lips onto her shoulder, letting out muffled moans.

she felt good.

better than he imagined

she clung to him like everything depended on it and whispered in his ear for more. 

it wasn’t a stunt of longevity. in fact, he knew the moment he was inside of her it wouldn’t be long. his hand gripped her thigh, moving her leg higher on his waist and closing his eyes tight. he moved faster just as she begged, and felt her fingers tighten on his shoulder. within moments, he was holding a bit too tight and heard victoria gasp as he let out a final groan, his thrusts growing shaky, until he finally stopped. 

both of their breaths were fast, uneven, yet riddled with passion.

still inside her, he pulled back to look in her face. for the first time since kissing her, he truly took in the entirety of her face. she was glowing, her eyes sparkling, her hands running over his cheeks and leaning up to kiss him, soft this time. he kissed her back, hands pressing into her back. 

“matthew,” she says, still breathless. “you’re making my life difficult.”

a knock pulls them from their moment. in the most literal sense. matthew leaps off of her and begins to shuffles for his clothes back on.

“just a moment!” she calls out. moving to her feet, she kicks her discarded panties under the dresser and fixes her shirt. matthew contemplates keeping himself in the open to be seen, and pretending they were having a discussion, or to hide and pretend her wasn’t there. he left the choice up to victora, and ducked out of direct view. she opened the door partially, leaning against it. “what can i do for you?”

“supper is ready.” the woman smiles.

“you know? i don’t think i’ll come to supper this evening. matthew and i just got back from the bookstore and we got caught in the rain. i need a hot shower now or i fear i’ll catch a cold.” she gives her a polite smile. “maybe i will join later.”

she smiles and nods, moving away from the door, and victoria closes it gently, pressing her head against the wood and letting out a sigh.

“victoria.” he says softly.

“matthew.” she whispers.

“i don’t really know what to do now.” he confesses.

“me either.”

“i don’t... think i can stay.” he starts to move closer to her, a bit uneasy with it all.

“no, that probably wouldn’t be wise.”

at least she understands that spending the night unseen together would raise questions. questions that lead to answers he fears everyone has been much closer to gathering than he himself was. 

“maybe tomorrow this will be easy to figure out.”

“maybe tomorrow,” she repeats, nodding her head.

he stands behind her, his hand moving to her waist to turn her around. “victoria, i want nothing more than for this to be easy.” he brushed some of her wet hair away, looking down as her eyes grew wide and he feared they might fill with tears. “i wish i could make you understand me.”

“sometimes i feel you don’t try.” she shrugs helplessly, “you’re not alone. you’re not stranded on an island, i’m right here. help me understand.”

he presses his lips together. “i’m sorry it took me so long. i’m sorry i caught up when it was too late.” he sighs, leaning down and kissing her cheek. “sleep well.”

“i don’t want you to go.” she begs.

his thumb traces her cheek in the spot that he kissed. instead, he moves her away from the door, and slides out. moving quickly down the hall, to his own chambers, he slides in and closes the door, letting out a long exhale, placing his head between his knees before he could become far too overwhelmed with all that he’d just done.

[planetsam]

“No, no, no—“ the denial falls blindly from her lips as she looks at the scroll in desperation, praying for once that she doesn’t understand. She inspects everything, every curve every work, “damn it!”

It’s a copy.

It’s a copy and she’s furious. She thought she got all of them. How many are copies?  A familiar wave of scavenger terror swells over her. What if someone gets to them first? Its not like she can just turn the Falcon. Lunging forward she fumbles through everything. In the end it only seems a few are copies, but even one is one too many. The now familiar feeling of hopelessness swells up. She wants to cry. How could she have missed this?

Shoving back the urge she looks at the scroll. The writing is clearer than the books. She bites back a sniffle because that’s something. It’s easier to read. Literacy isn’t a great prize where she comes from. Numbers are only good because you need to know time and portions. She can read but it’s an old skill, rarely used. Her ability to scrub scrap will join it, she hopes. Or replace it at any rate. The bigger, more precise letters are easier for her to make out, even though it takes a while for her to read even the first scroll.

By the time she’s done it feels like the first thing to go right in days. She could almost dance with the joy of it. If Jakku taught her nothing else it’s to take victories where you could snatch them. She finds the next scroll and gets to work, wrapped up in the moment of victory. Too wrapped up in it, she realizes belatedly when she hears the sound of breathing that isn’t her own.  Her breath catches when she sees the hunched over figure. He’s got his back to her, his eyes are closed but he’s upright and she knows he’s awake. A part of her wants to yell at him, but if he’s going to be this petty she can reciprocate. She turns back to the scroll instead.

He stays quiet.

His gaze is distracting. It makes every instinct that tells her to stay hidden, to stay low, it makes all of that surge up. Even if the point of it was to be found by her parents. Parents who sold her. She shoves the thought from her mind even as his lips twitch with the disturbance. Good, she thinks viciously, let him be distracted. It isn’t like he really knows how to meditate anyway.

Like she doesn’t know how to read.

“I know how to read!” She says loudly at his thought and his eye cracks open, “I can hear you. I know how to read. I can count too, just so your ego doesn’t get any ideas, Supreme Leader.”

His title falls harsh and petty from her tongue before she turns back to the scroll. She can’t sit there like this anyway. The drawback of this, one of many, is how cold she always is now. His warmth is tempting, like an embodiment of the dark pull she keeps reading about. It’s too literal. The wound is too open. She walks to the closet of the small room instead, hoping she’s not going to come upon a mess of Han’s clothing. Thankfully she doesn’t. It’s a mess of old clothes but they’re nothing like Han’s. She feels his gaze watching her and grabs the first thing she can find, pulling it on. His jaw tightens but the color that rides on his cheeks makes her brave. Vicious.

“I’m sorry, this seems far too plain for the Supreme Leader,” She says, “you don’t mind if I borrow it do you? Supreme Leader?” His nostrils flare, “Supreme—“ She begins, dragging the word out.

“Enough!” He barks, jumping to his feet and she’s only too happy to oblige the challenge.

“Enough what?!” She roars back at him, though she knows. He knows she does too. He snarls, like an animal and she leaps like a predator, “isn’t that your name? Supreme Leader? Kylo Ren?” He paces, “isn’t that what I’m supposed to call you now?”

“This won’t work,” he snarls at her.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she lies, going over to the bed.

“Yes! You do!”  He snaps, “parading in my cloak, copying my scrolls—“ she drops the scroll, “don’t lie to me!”

“It’s yours?!” She demands.

“All of its mine!” He snaps back and she’s back on Starkiller, baring her teeth.

“Because you’re the Supreme Leader,” She seethes, “Because everything is yours. Until your apprentice strikes you down and blames someone else for it. Splashes their faces on every holo screen—“ he looks down, “it’s a wonder anyone believes that since I’m nothing. It’s like I’m not even here.”

“I didn’t—“

“No, you didn’t! You never do, do you?!” She shouts, striding up to him in his pillaged clothes, “you made me an outcast for everyone! I have no-one—“ she chokes on the isolation that’s gotten her this room, along with the pity and wariness of most of the ship, “you are my Luke Skywalker.”

His face contorts at the accusation and Rey prays he’s going to start something physical. She craves it, leaps at it, she may be able to turn from being his empress but she’s furious. Like any scavenger she’s all about efficiency. Practicality. Too much so, she feels him try to pull away and that angers her even further.

“Coward!” The word leaves her as she grabs him, “don’t you dare run away from me—“ she takes a breath of painful air, “I won’t wait for you!” She says. It gets him to stop, at the very least, “I won’t,” she stresses, “I’m not—putting scratches on walls. I’m not waiting. Not again.”

“I didn’t think you were,” he says finally, in an infuriatingly measured answer. She almost wants his rage back. She’s supposed to be the practical one, not him.

“Damn royalty,” She snaps instead, enjoying when the rage comes back.

“What did you say?” He demands.

“Royalty,” she repeats, “your mother was a Princess, so I guess it’s only natural you would want something to rule over—“

She almost yells in triumph when he steps towards her. She’s ready to fight him properly, they can touch and she’s shot him so why not? Her hands curl into fists as she meets him, she doesn’t want a lightsaber she wants to beat him until her knuckles break.

“Did I offend the Supreme Leader—“

“Rey!”

Her throat closes, not with the violence she wants but with the knot of emotion that comes from him saying her name. It isn’t even a kind way to say it, but no one here calls her by her name except Finn and she can’t face him half the time. Finn came from nothing, Finn made a choice and stuck to it. Finn was going to come half way across the galaxy to find her force bonding with the creature from his nightmares.

“He’s a traitor,” he spits and she yells as she tackles him.

“I’m the traitor!” She yells, “it’s me, I’m the traitor! I disobeyed Master Luke and he’s gone. I disobeyed you and you’re gone—“ she chokes on a sob, tries to remember not to cry.  Not to waste water, “my parents were right to sell me. I should have stayed on Jakku and saved everyone the trouble!”

“Rey—“

“Stop saying my name like that!” She yells, “you left me too!” He stares at her wordless, “you’re afraid you can only be redeemed like Darth Vader. You’re afraid you’re going to die before you can do anything. You’re afraid for the next Ben that comes along—“

He tries to push her back but she tightens her legs around him. If he digs too much he aggravates the blaster wound and she knows he’s pulled as far away from the dark side as he can. She feels it. He still looks terrified, like he wants to be anywhere else and she hates it. Not because it’s him but because it isn’t fair that everyone gets to be away and she has to be there. That someone whose tied to her like this, whose done what he did, that they can still want to go away. Her fingers tighten in his cloak, glad the stupid embroidered fabric is easier to hold onto.

“Would you just listen for once?!” She cries.

He sets defiance on every angle and she finds it petty but he stops moving so she bites her tongue. She hates him. She hates this. She hates herself too, maybe most of all. But he’s there and she can focus on it. On that. Which—she stops, remembering her disgust at him doing the same thing. Suddenly the proximity is unbearable and she scrambled to her feet, practically tripping over his long arms to get to the bed. She draws up her legs, wishing she was warm enough to take the cloak off but not foolish enough to do so. He slowly pushes himself up, his expression guarded as he looks at her.

“Re—“ he stops as she glares, “what am I supposed to call you?” He demands.

“Nothing,” She snaps, “call me nothing and I’ll do the same.”

She isn’t looking at him. She refuses to. She always thought her places on Jakku were small but this, this is different. This is unbearable. He shifts and she glares at her feet, biting her tongue until he makes his way over and sits on the bed. Almost hesitantly, almost gingerly, almost like he’s sorry.

“How did you fit in here anyway?” She questions.

“I was smaller,” he says after a moment. She steers her thoughts away from an only slightly smaller boy who had the same thought when he saw how close he was getting to the ceiling.

“Not by much,” she mutters but her back doesn’t go into the insult in the same way. He nods jerkily. “Wh—What are you doing?” She demands as he reaches past her and moves a loose panel. He pulls a box from inside it. She takes it when he puts it on the bed and frowns at the holes in the lid. When she opens the latch a handful of brushes surprise her, “this is a calligraphy set,” she reels “your calligraphy set?” She repeats.

“I liked writing,” he says flatly. He sees her fastening together her scratching tool, keeping it with her helmet and the doll, her few prized possessions. It’s another familiarity that reaches across this, “now they’re yours.”

“You can’t give these to me,” She protests, her fingers aching with the luxury of a real pen, “Ben!”

He stills and she catches her breath at the thing she’s been trying to avoid even though she knows he wants it. He looks like he could devour her for calling his name, she realizes that some twisted part of her might want him to. He senses her disgust and retreat, her anger hasn’t left the room any more than his betrayal has. But the common ground stretches like another threat between them.

“I have no use for them,” He absolves.

She opens her mouth to argue but her hands are drawing the box to her protectively.

“Thank you,” she says quietly and the sincerity of her voice shocks him enough to make her a little pleased, “I was going to copy your scrolls.”

“Don’t,” he orders, “the originals are better.”

She says nothing but prays that he’ll vanish. That he’ll never see her again because this hurts. Even when it’s good, even when it’s common ground. The mirror hurts just as much as being blinded. There’s no winning. She can say none of that so she just holds the frivolous thing closer. And isn’t that really the problem here? She’s changing in some ways faster than she ever thought she could. It’s terrifying and perfectly embodied by the brushes sitting in her lap, things she shouldn’t want but desperately does. The whole thing is miserably uncomfortable, even for her and she considers herself an expert in the subject.

“Why didn’t you come with me?” She ask abruptly and glares when he looks almost offended at the question, “I know you’ve been wondering the same thing,” she lies.

“You know why,” he dismisses.

“I want to hear you say it,” She demands, “you owe me that much—“

“I’m not your parents,” he points out scathingly. She gets to her knees.

“You left me all the same,” She snaps, “and they’re dead so I just have you,” She continues, “so, tell me why.”

He has refusal written all over his face and she opens her mouth, prepare to pull at the awful question until it unravels fully. Surely she’s owed that at least? Even as she remembers all the ways the universe has shown her she’s owed nothing. She waits anyway, feeling increasingly foolish and frustrated and disappointed.

“I—“

“I wanted it to mean something,” he says finally, “it can’t have been for nothing.”

“Ben,” this time she sighs his name easily, “if you came here is that what you think?”

“Yes,” he says stubbornly.

“Well you’re wrong.”

His eyes narrow and she keeps her gaze fixed on him as she walks over on her knees and puts them on either side of his thighs. She enjoys how it throws him completely off balance. Jedi were celibate, but more than that, even beyond the robes and such he’s profoundly self conscious. She can think of no other reason for the mask, the long hair, its a wonder he hasn’t adjusted to the scar enough to feel so about it. Even so that stubbornness is still clinging to him. Pride may be his downfall all the same.

He also isn’t breathing.

That makes her roll her eyes against the stupid affection that threatens her. She pokes to make her point and is surprised when he hisses. Her own side flashes in a cramp.

“You’ve got a dozen layers on, you’re being a bit ridiculous. I’m in no danger of touching you,” he offers a half glare and she does it again. The cramp is back, “are you hurt?” She asks.

“Old wound reopened,” he dismisses but she’s already pushing through his robes, “would you stop?” He demands and there’s a plea there she’s becoming all too familiar with.

“Its not like i haven’t seen it before,” she dismisses and frowns, “are you wearing a black bandage?”

Color comes to his cheeks but she ignores it. Before she can do anything he sighs and undoes some fastening. She chokes on what she can see through the bacta patch. She swallows back bile and looks up at him. It’s not a great genius to know where this is from. It’s odd to witness a wound so many incarnations, usually if that happens the person’s dead. So maybe it’s not so strange.

“Satisfied?” He asks and she frowns.

“Don’t do that,” she orders, “don’t be embarrassed I’m in your head for Force’s sake. If not me than who?”

“No-one,” he says. She scowlss at him fully this time, before reaching around him and re-fastening the bandage.

“If I’m nothing and yet somehow worthy of being an Empress surely you’re capable of changing that,” she says.

Its possibly the most surprised he’s looked in the entire time she’s known him. It catches her off guard how much she likes it. Not just getting the upper hand over him, but catching him off guard. His words about her being nothing continue to echo back to her, despite her efforts to push them away. Maybe she is nothing, a nothing caught between the frivolous gifts and the man who would throw them all aside. But he did tell her to be with him. There’s no escaping that. He dislikes being trapped but for the first time between the curls of his dark hair, she sees his eartips get distinctly red.

“I didn’t say that,” he mutters looking down and she tips his chin up.

“Subtlety isn’t your strong suit,” she says, poking his other side that’s uninjured but still bears the black bandage. He returns her earlier scowl, but the red doesn’t go away, “I wish you weren’t so blind,” she admits.

“You’re strange,” he says finally.

“Yes, I’m the strange one here,” she replies.

The silence is not what she’s expecting. It’s not peaceful, it prickles with the kind of wary inspecting that everything else seems to. It’s constantly adjusting, shifting, like the sands of Jakku or the razor’s edge where the dark and light are meeting. It’s another thread connecting them. Another intimacy. She opens her mouth and just like that he’s gone again. When she sinks down, the bed is still warm in the spot he occupied. She wonders how ghosts can be so solid.

She’s still a scavenger at heart though and curls easily in the faint signature of warmth, the answer to what she needs.

She’s something more when she drags the pens to her chest.

[seekingsweetsimplicity]

Hoarding as a Response to Denial or Lack

My grandfather never had a bicycle when he was growing up.

 A bicycle might seem like a very common thing to have as a child, and it was relatively common back then, but it was something that he simply wasn’t able to ever own.  His family was too large and too poor to afford such a luxury.  

 My grandmother never had a bicycle of her own, either, though she talked about “stealing” her brother’s from time to time to ride.

 When my grandfather was older, and right in the prime of my grandparents’ hoarding days, he came into a situation where he could buy a large lot of bicycles—all in great need of repair and being sold as “parts”—and he bought them all.  The bicycles, all unusable until someone broke them down and took the pieces apart to make a smaller number of functioning bicycles, sat unused behind a barn.  

 He couldn’t ride them, and they really weren’t any good, but finally my grandfather could have a bicycle. He could have as many as he wanted. Whether or not they were usable was unimportant.  What was important was only that he had them.

 In my ponderings over what leads those of us who might identify as low-key hoarders to become what we are, I’ve come to the conclusion that there are two things that might very well be triggering points for hoarding (low-key or otherwise) and they’re both so closely related to one another that it’s difficult to say where one ends and the other begins.  

 It seems possible that hoarding comes from having denied oneself something in the past or, in a closely related manner, having lacked something that one desired (or been denied it by another person).

 My grandfather didn’t hoard the broken bicycles because he thought that broken bicycles were grand and he needed a gross of them.  He hoarded them because he’d never had a bicycle—even though he’d wanted one—and, finding himself in a place to be able to have one, he’d gotten the ones that were readily available to him.  And, of course, if one bicycle was good then a dozen was better.  

 I’ll give you an example from my own life.

 There was a time in my life when, due to a somewhat severe medical problem, I couldn’t have “cute” shoes. In fact, I could barely manage to wear any shoes at all.  I had two pairs of shoes that I was able to actually wear for any length of time. One pair was a pair of tennis shoes or walking shoes, and the other pair was a pair of Crocs (those rubber-type shoes that everyone makes fun of) that served as house shoes with the heel strap down in the back.

 For approximately three years I was subjected to only wearing these two pair of shoes.  I had to simply make them work.  Fashion wasn’t important.  The only thing that was important was the fact that I could actually stand to wear those shoes for more than a few minutes and I had to remain on my feet and functioning in my active lifestyle.

 When the problem was corrected and I was able to return to a semi-normal (at least for me) way of living, I was able to buy more shoes.  Granted, the shoes that I bought had to fit certain requirements, but I had a lot more options than I had back when I only owned the two pairs of shoes.  

 I went crazy.

 I bought shoes (usually at discount prices, because my budget was still there and still quite low) of every shape and size that I could find as long as they filled the requirements that they had to meet.  When I found shoes I liked, I acquired them in every color that I possibly could. Knowing that I had strict orders to change my shoes out with more frequency than most people, I also panicked over the idea that I might not have shoes once those shoes wore out and I would somehow be reduced to wearing just one or two pairs again.  To avoid this horrible fate, I stockpiled shoes.  

 My shoe collection, as you can imagine, is quite large.  It’s shrinking a little now that I’m getting some control over it, but it’s still large. It’s much larger than it was back when my life revolved around only two pairs.  

 But I’ll always maintain it to some degree, and I’m not fighting myself over it.  

 I’m a person who has a lot of shoes.  I feel compelled to have a lot of them.  I get joy out of them (and yes, I wear all of them).  And I know, like my grandfather with his bicycles, my need to have so many shoes comes from the feeling of having been denied shoes when I wanted more than what I had—and I wanted the chance to express myself a little with my footwear.

 My shoe addiction is something that I may never break now, and that’s OK.  I’ve broken a lot of other addictions and I’ve cleared a lot of other things out.  I’m not in this to deny myself the things that make me happy—only to make my hoard work for me.  As long as it’s making me happy, it’s working for me.

 And, at least, I’m starting to understand a little of where my compulsions come from.  Understanding myself helps me to accept myself a little more.

 What are the areas of your hoard that you’re not willing to part with?  What are the things that you’re just not interested in letting go of?

[andersa]

Fully Automated Luxury Communism *IS* Our Future

I have been planning to write on this topic, but a recently featured article in OneZero inspired me to kick it off now. This is my rebuttal.

  In his analysis of the book Fully Automated Luxury Communism by Aaron Bastani, Robin Whitlock wrote an article that he felt outlined the reasons why Bastani is incorrect in his belief that one day (perhaps sooner than we may realize), the world will transition to a one-world, communist-style form of government. I haven’t read Bastani’s book, but, I have been an avid supporter of this concept for nearly a decade after watching the movie Zeitgiest: Moving Forward.

Over the years, I have also engaged in conversations about this topic with literally thousands of people, and most of them repeat the same fallacies over and over in their denial that such a thing could ever possibly happen. I have found that many people have several cognitive biases that hinder their ability to look forward into the future and see what it could potentially look like.

Often, they believe it will look and behave very similarly (if not worse) than what we have today, maybe just with a few more gadgets to play with. In fact, most people are completely unaware of their own biases, let alone that there are 175 known biases that influence our rationale.

Of course, the most obvious is the negative connotation that the word “communism" brings to mind. Immediately, the thought of walking skeletons forced into labor camps spurs a knee-jerk reaction to immediately stop listening to any argument that can even remotely be deemed “pro-communist". But, just to touch on some of the other common biases that influence this conversation (and most people’s daily lives) are:

Declinism- when we remember the past as better     than it was, while simultaneously believing the future will be worse than     it likely will be.

Just-World- Many of us who live in developed     nations like to believe the world is a just place. It makes us feel     secure. To think that somewhere in the world someone is dying of hunger,     can overwhelm us with guilt if we think about it while we enjoy an     expensive meal at a nice restaurant. So, we chase away the guilt by     reminding ourselves that we work hard and we’re good people, so we deserve     this nice meal. Anyone who doesn’t have access to such things is just not     trying hard enough, so they get what they deserve. Of course, this bias     can cloud our judgment of other people and their situations. It helps to     cloak the madness of the system we have built. It’s also a bias that     politicians tend to exploit to get you to vote for them, and one that     makes people believe the world in the future will be pretty much the same     place it is today.

Belief & Confirmation Bias: Our beliefs shape     our perception. After all, the human condition requires we believe in     something for it to be real. When one believes in something, they will     find or fabricate as much evidence as necessary to support that belief;     likewise for something one does not believe in. Our brains automatically     default to our belief structures when analyzing nearly any subject. And,     it can sometimes be difficult to examine the evidence with an open mind     that may challenge those beliefs.

Dunning-Kruger: The more you know, the less     confident you are. Fools rush in without understanding. The wise     understand how little they know and pause for consideration.

Framing: It is amazing what a frame can do for a     portrait or painting. The right frame really makes the piece pop and     increase the appreciation of those beholding the piece of art. The same     goes for our brains. Major media, consumer data companies, and marketers     understand how their piece of art is framed MATTERS. A LOT. It is often     seen that they will frame things in different ways for different consumer     tastes and preferences. It is an extremely easy way to manipulate the masses.     And, once one recognizes this bias, one begins to see the frames around     everything.

Familiarity: Our comfort zone. Whether in the     physical sense or the literal, most of us have a pretty small comfort zone     surrounding every aspect of our lives. If something encroaches without     permission, or we are challenged to venture outside of our zones, it can     be stressful and uncomfortable. While the huge world outside of our zones     can be harsh and unforgiving, it can also hold the key to amazing new     discoveries in all areas of life.

Self-Attribution: A common example of this is     when working in a group, you feel like you’re doing more than everyone     else. The interesting thing about this is: if you ask 10 people in a group     if they feel like they’re doing more than others, you’ll likely get 9     responses that support their belief they are working harder than everyone     else.

Sunk-cost: You’ve invested a lot of time, effort,     and money into a project (or your career). But, it’s not going as you had     hoped. It’s difficult to walk away from something that is not serving its     intended purpose.

Anchoring: This is when you’re so focused on one     goal, that you miss out on opportunities to have a better outcome because     you refuse to deviate from the initial goal.

Survival: The celebs (and capitalists) make it     all look so easy. Like anyone can go to Hollywood and become a huge star.     But, what we often don’t hear about are all the failed talent who just     didn’t get the right break into the industry. If one does not succeed, one     is simply failing at trying hard enough (similar to the Just-World bias).

There are many others that fit into this conversation. The ambiguity effect (avoiding options where the outcome is unknown), anthropocentric thinking or anthropomorphism (common in discussions about AI), attentional bias (marketing and constantly being told capitalism is the best way), and so on.

But, even FALC supporters are sometimes clouded by their own biases. In addition to the few of the above, automation bias (excessively relying on automated systems which can give erroneous information that overrides correct decisions) is one. Berkson’s Paradox ( The tendency to misinterpret statistical experiments involving conditional probabilities) is another. And, especially the Bias Blind Spot (the tendency to recognize bias more in others, less in oneself).

So, regardless of these biases on both sides of the conversation, people want to see hard facts and plausible ideas about how this future may come to fruition or why it will not.

The truth is: NONE of us know for sure.

But, there are some things that should be considered before completely shutting the door on the idea of humanity living in a Fully Automated Luxury Communist structure in the future. So, back to the original article I am rebutting by Mr. Whitlock. I seriously doubt he read the book, though that is simply an assumption. But, this assumption stems from the fact that many of his rebuttals to the concept are deeply entrenched in a capitalist mindset, disregarding the very essence of the book.

1                                    Assumption One

For instance, many of the government labor statistics he quotes are based on a flawed system of tracking that the US is notorious for. He also claims that automation is a “long way off and not necessarily replacing jobs”. This is also a flawed analysis due to Moore’s law. But, Moore’s law aside — some even believe Moore’s law is dead or evolving— he goes on to state that according to McKinsey digital who stated two years ago that less than 5% of jobs are able to be automated over the next decade. That is a seemingly naive assumption compared to the breakthroughs we have seen in the past two years from companies like Boston Dynamics and their amazing robots.

And, to counter that McKinsey article showing an example of a lumberjack, or construction and raising outdoor animals:

So, now we get into the cost of all this automation. Sure, it is a prohibitive factor for many, especially small businesses. For now, that is. In accordance with Moore’s law, as things become smaller and more advanced, though, the prices tend to drop. The more assistance provided to small businesses (whether by government supplementation or not), the faster these technologies will drop in price and advance.

Then, by quoting articles that are years old (2014 & 2017), the argument is made that, for instance, self-driving cars are facing major logistical and regulatory issues. Again, without considering the major advancements made recently. In fact, he very conspicuously left out Tesla in this analysis. Or, for that matter, the drone taxis that started in Dubai in 2017, and are now being adopted and accelerated by Uber and Boeing.

So, by assuming that automation is not going to replace most jobs anytime soon, we are really turning a blind-eye on the advancements going on around the world.

2                                    Assumption Two

Moving on to asteroid-mining. Mr. Whitlock used an article from 2012 (nearly a decade old) to prove the point that we were a decade away from identifying suitable asteroids to mine. In 2015, Obama signed a law into effect called “Space Law” allowing private companies to mine asteroids. And, the example used — Planetary Resources — struggling only to be acquired by Consensys, Inc. (a blockchain company) is an extremely poor (on purpose?) example, considering that companies like (to name only a few) Deep Space Industries, Orbital Sciences Corporation, Bigelow Aerospace, and even The Blue Origin aerospace company owned by Jeff Bezos are going all-in on this concept.

In the article, he also tries to point out that these ventures being profitable are the highest concern. That is, again, a false assumption. While it is true that funding needs to happen to make these a reality, one must also realize that funding, in itself, is a fallacy. By this, I mean:

The idea of fiat currency having any sort of value is false. It can be created out of thin air. It is either simply a piece of paper or a number on a computer monitor. Nearly the entire world uses fiat currency.

Nor is the number of materials hidden in the asteroids “speculative, at best”. That is his own assumption, without any real-time understanding of how the above-mentioned companies conduct research to identify lucrative asteroids.

As noted in the original article, Mars One’s for-profit business went bankrupt (though the non-profit side is still running). That is a sign that for-profit in this sector will struggle. Perhaps an even bigger signal that non-profit will eventually win in this sector. As an added point of interest, space is a HUGE business and destined only to grow:

 The point is not profit. The point is to succeed at nearly any cost.

3                                    Assumption Three

Aside from the fact that the vast majority of people are essentially wage-slaves who toil away at mind-numbing tasks to make their bosses a little richer, this entire area completely leaves out the concept of AI and quantum computing. Mr. Whitlock is stuck in his own biases that only a company can do what is being talked about and that companies can only be run by humans. While this is certainly the case today, the advent of AI is not to be scoffed at. In fact, the entire premise of arguments against a system like FALC is akin to the people who 20 years ago scoffed at the idea of having hand-held computers that we know as smartphones. It is an archaic way of thinking… Fearful, even. The truth is: We are on the precipice of technological upheaval never before witnessed by humanity. We better get our heads right to understand the challenges we will face and how to make life better for all humans as a consequence of technology. Otherwise, we will find ourselves in dystopian lives as described by some of the dystopian authors people love to quote.

This concept is not some glorified hippie utopia (utopia is highly subjective, btw) of rainbows and lollipops all day. Stop fooling yourselves and diminishing the world we live in and are about to arrive in. This is the reality we face. When people are displaced from employment and when precious metals & minerals are no longer rare, it will not happen suddenly and it will not be a hundred years away. Try the next 10–30 years, MAXIMUM, for us to really start seeing these effects. Sure, you and I may not be around to see it, but my kids will be.

We need to expand our highly myopic understanding of what is in front of us. If you don’t, others will, and it will be you who is left in the dust.

DISRUPT, OR BE DISRUPTED. That is the motto of the 21st-century.

Finally, yes, the future may be run by corporate empires. That is a scary prospect. In the near future, it may be necessary to eliminate the idea of corporations. All other details aside, the idea of competition is only a hindrance to the advancement of these technologies. Why split the resources (money, labor, etc.) between so many different companies hoping for a profit for a few individuals? In many ways, this is a ridiculous notion. It means fewer resources for each company and wasted time between advancements. This problem is becoming more and more obvious as technology advances.

And, all of this is in addition to the people who are working to cure aging, upload minds into the cloud, and make us into something else to redefine what it means to be human like the Transhumanist movement. If one doesn’t take all of these considerations into account when thinking about the future, they are doing themselves and the future a disservice. Because even though you may stick your head in the sand to avoid seeing it, millions of others are working toward this future whether they realize it or not.

There is so much more I could add to this, but then I would need to write a book… A book explaining Fully Automated Luxury Communism…

[trueloveisrarelyafairytale]

"Strays" (Red Kings MC #1) By: Emma Kendrick - Book Review

I love supporting talented indie authors and I had such a fun time with this book. It was fast paced and succeeded in keeping me entertained throughout the entire novel. I thought it had a great cover too, which even though it shouldn’t, it does make a difference to me (Half naked embracing couple on the front? Ugh. Just no). While I have yet to really read a lot of biker romance, I really appreciate the fact that while you know the Red Kings MC members are scary as hell, the part you see the most of is their fun, kind, and loving sides. I have a feeling that is rare among this breed of romance novels.

Jacqueline (Jackie) Reeves and Tyler Davis had been best friends since childhood. Together, they moved from Queens NY to Macon GA, home of the Red Kings MC. In their time there, she had rarely seen members of the notorious club until one night as she was leaving the diner she worked at. A group of men wearing leather vests surrounded a man on the ground who was being threatened at knifepoint by one particular member. She watched in horror until her eyes met with the bearded biker. She tried to hurry away, but got cut off by the man in question and he basically told her she didn’t see anything and to keep her mouth shut.                     There was a deep scar through the brow above his right eye and a smaller one on his cheek. The beard he was sporting only intensified his look further and the knife on his belt glinted maliciously when the light of the street lamp caught it just right.                 His dark eyes narrowed and she swallowed.                 That was it, she was done for.     She was on edge after that, worried that they were going to come back to make sure she stayed quiet. She and Tyler were struggling for money and the diner she worked as wasn’t exactly rolling it in. Tyler had difficulty keeping a (legal) job and made the suggestion to start hacking again for money. Which he decided to do in front of a diner full of Red Kings. The man she had the run in with prior is Dean Rockwell, the club’s enforcer. He heard Tyler speak of his hacking abilities and offered him a job with the club.

Tyler began to do small jobs for the club while Jackie avoided the clubhouse as much as possible. During a few unavoidable visits, her encounters with Dean leave her less than impressed. She didn’t want to lose her best friend to club full of criminals, but Tyler was happy and wanted to be a part of it. Her relationship with Dean changed after she met his dog Bear and he saw her artwork. I really appreciated the pace of their relationship. It felt fluid and realistic. Not too rushed and not too sappy. The sex scenes weren’t highly detailed or erotic, which didn’t take away from the story, but my perverted side wanted to know what Dean would be like in be like in bed (:D). Once they were doing their thing, I really began to like Dean. He had such a cute, ornery side you almost forget he kills people on the reg.

Lost in her thoughts, she failed to hear the creak of the bathroom door, the sound of the boxers being dropped to the floor, or the shower door sliding open. It wasn’t until cool hands trailed against the hot skin of her sides that she registered the second person in the room, squeaking as she jumped around to face him.                 “What are you doing?” She asked, her voice high as his hands continued their exploration.                 “Showering.” Dean replied nonchalantly, moving them towards the wall to maneuver the spray of water to better cover them both.                 “And what’s wrong with the shower at your place?”                 “Yours is closer.”                 “It’s also occupied.”                 He smirked as he closed the distance between them, their naked bodies pressed firmly against each other as he leaned to whisper in her ear. “You sure weren’t using that excuse last night when your bed was occupied and I decided to climb into it anyways.”   Tyler was fitting in great with the club and Jackie had begun to make friends with the club members as well. She and Dean were still having fun, but in the back of her mind she knew these men were dangerous and that the club would always come first for Dean. Tyler and Jackie’s friendship was very sweet and I did appreciate that there never seemed to be any sexual tension between them. They’re friendship was pure and they were very supportive of each other, while still giving the other a hard time.                   “Isn’t this awesome?” Tyler asked, rocking on the balls of his feet in barely-contained excitement.                 “Why are there tattoos on your neck Tyler?”                 “It’s part of my new look. Cool, right?”                 “You look like a punk.” She said, crossing her arms in front of her chest.                 Dean laughed and entered the garage. “I think that’s the point.” He slapped Tyler on the back, then pushed him towards the clubhouse. “Go get to work grunt.” Tyler nodded and the pair watched him bounce merrily out of the garage. Once the new prospect was out of earshot, Dean turned to look at her, a guarded expression on his face. “How do you feel about all of this?”                 Jackie sighed and looked to the ground, shrugging her shoulders. “He’s excited. How can I say no to that?”   Dean could no longer deny the effect that Jackie had on him, but he didn’t know if that was a good thing. He and his president were worried that his feelings would make it difficult to do his job and neither of them wanted that. Dean felt very emotionally immature to me. He had no idea how to deal with a woman outside of the bedroom and any type of deep feelings make him uncomfortable. Jackie decided she was going to give him the benefit of the doubt and give their relationship a real shot if that what he wanted. Up to this point, I think she had been in denial of Dean’s capacity for violence. That changed when she saw him nearly kill a man and he told her exactly who he was.                   “This is what I do! I hurt people. I always have and I always will. I’m not just a little short-tempered or aggressive. I fucking kill people. It’s my job and I like it.”   Dean decides to have Tyler transferred to the Lakeside charter knowing that Jackie will follow him and he can have his friend Jagger keep an eye on her. She begins to make friends with the Lakeside charter while trying to figure out her next move. With Turf wars, rival gangs, violence, and secrets, her future has become uncertain.   I wouldn’t go as far to say the book ends in cliff hanger, but there is definitely more to the story and I can’t wait to find out how the characters’ story ends. There are a lot of little side stories and things that would ruin the surprises for the reader if I mention spoilers. The only thing that bothered me was the third person POV. It (personally) makes it harder for me to connect with the characters. I feel like a bystander instead of being in the story, but once I got used to it, I was really able to enjoy the read. While this isn’t the fault of the author, the formatting was jarring and threw me from the story with the sentence breaks.   I gave this book four stars for the fun, sweet, and entertaining factors and was a fabulous debut novel and I am excited to read future work from this author. Recommended for 17+.   -Charity B.