#they’re so and the universe said I love you coded

[sun-wukong-kinnie-2]

You don’t know me, but I know you ✨

[twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat]

go for it! ; yuuta okkotsu

synopsis; yuuta’s been crushing on you ever since the first group project you had together, but he’s too nervous to confess. luckily, he has some over-eager friends willing to help! step 1: ask for your number!

word count; 7.4k

contents; yuuta okkotsu/reader, gn!reader, university au, yuuta majors in creative writing and writes poetry in his spare time <3, no curses au, yuuta is a cutiepie, he’s also a loserboy, pining and longing, one-sided love, maki inumaki and panda are wingmen (but not very good ones), fluffy vibes, gojo makes a guest appearance (stay safe), literally just yuuta being whipped for like 7k words straight

a/n; im gonna have to edit this a lot i think….. but for now it should be fine :3 i love the boy!!

”you’re staring. again.”

yuuta flinches. a jolt overtakes him, running through his body, and the pen he’d been absently writing with slips from his fingers. it tumbles down to the ground with a soft thunk. 

gazing up at the shadow towering over him, his eyes are wide, a little flustered; like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. like he’s expecting a smack on the head from the person in front of him.

— it’s maki. 

and she looks displeased, lips pursed and a single eyebrow raised. unimpressed, as she stares him down — the same way he’d been looking at you just a second ago.

”they’re gonna think you’re a creep if they catch you, you know,” she sighs, shifting from one foot to another. carrying her bass in a case on her back.

”maki, c’mon,” comes from behind her, an even larger figure strolling up to the pair. grinning brightly, fluffy hair tousled by the afternoon breeze. ”cut him some slack!” 

”salmon,” a third voice joins in. inumaki’s got some green paint staining the sleeve of his hoodie, and his fingers are dirtied with charcoal.

his closest friends, all joining him on the table they usually frequent on campus. right next to a giant tree, casting a pleasantly cool shade and obscuring the irritating brightness of the sun.

maki, headstrong and resilient. infamously rude. a music major, primarily, though yuuta knows she has more than a couple minors. if you pay attention, you can see her almost everywhere on campus, and she always does well on exams. confident, enough so that just being around her makes yuuta feel a little more secure in himself.

panda, a big kid with a big heart, always wearing monochrome clothes. ‘panda’ can’t possibly be his real name, though yuuta’s never found the courage to ask. truthfully, he isn’t sure panda even has a major, or goes to this university at all — but nobody’s mentioned it yet, and he doubts they ever will.

and then inumaki, the quiet kid, always helpful and kind. a little teasing, too. selectively mute, speaking exclusively in rice ball ingredients, but yuuta has already begun adjusting to the thought behind his phrases. an art student with remarkable talent, from sculptures to comics to paintings. he mostly spends his lectures playing games on his phone, though. and he's the kindest guy yuuta knows.

his beloved friends. the reason he can smile through each day, even when it’s a little difficult.

and maki’s right, he knows she is. if you were to lock eyes with him, and realize he’d been glancing over at you for the past ten minutes… god, he doesn’t even want to think about it. you’d be weirded out for sure, wouldn’t you?

but yuuta just can’t help it. you’re far too radiant to ever look away from, smile much too pretty.

you’re just sitting there, laughing and talking with your friends, the same as any other day. comparing hand sizes with miwa, or leaning over to whisper in mai’s ear. snorting over something momo said, or trying to understand the code kokochi’s fiddling with on his laptop. just being yourself, with people you’re close to.

and yuuta desperately wishes he could be among them. wishes he could see your honeyed smile up close, hear the melodic lilt of your laughter, breathe in the lingering scent of your shampoo. he wishes he could speak to you without stuttering, without tripping over his feet — hang out with you outside of class. just something small, like studying together, or grabbing a bite to eat.

he wishes he could get to know you. 

yuuta thinks he must seem like a fool, to be so affected by your mere presence. everything comes to him so easily, when he looks at you; the pitter patter of his heart, his sweaty hands, the whirlwind of butterflies swirling in his chest. even just the way you twirl your hair or chew on your pencil is so mesmerizing. 

so all he can do is stare, hopeless, a moth to a flame. basking in the warmth of your gaze, directed at your friends.

hoping one day, maybe… that warmth will fall upon him, as well.

(maybe one day.)

”hellooo? earth to yuuta!”

”see? he’s hopeless.”

”mentaiko…”

”inumaki’s right. he’s a man in love!”

”he’s a boy with a stupid crush,” maki scoffs, picking at a piece of lint on her tank top. ”and we have a study session we need to get done. the exam’s next week, remember?”

exam.

yuuta shoots up, wasting no time in grabbing his backpack and slinging it over his shoulder. the ring hanging around his neck dangles with the sudden movement, and he clutches onto it.

”ah — right!” he squeaks, apologetic. ”sorry, it completely slipped my mind —”

before his mind can begin to overthink every action he’s taken these past few hours, a hand reaches out to pat his shoulder. pat, pat. reassuring and stabilizing.

inumaki smiles at him. yuuta can’t see his mouth, from behind the fabric of his hoodie, but his eyes crinkle softly; and it’s enough to put yuuta’s heart at ease.

”don’t apologize,” maki says. simple, straightforward. ”let’s just get going. i need to do better than naoya did last time.”

”you’re still mad about that, huh?”

”he only got a higher score because i wasn’t on top of my game,” she grumbles, digging her nails into the pockets of her baseball jacket. ”he doesn’t even like music. he’s just taking the course to piss me off. grown ass man.”

a chuckle slips from yuuta’s lips. the warm breeze ruffles his hair, and he holds onto the strap of his backpack, following closely behind as his friends begin to leave. sending one final glance at your figure, over by a table near the apricot trees.

and that’s when it happens.

— he looks over at you, and finds that your eyes are already on him. 

a moment passes.

while yuuta struggles to find his breathing, your lips curl up into a soft smile. then you raise your hand, waving to him cheerily, teeth peeking out from between your lips. he can see it clearly, even with the distance between you. 

a smile that glimmers like a jewel, in the light of the sun. 

yuuta feels his lips part, mouth falling open ever so slightly. but he waves back, afraid to take too long, unable to stop the pounding of his heartbeat — smiling giddily, like a schoolgirl tripping over her feet. 

his friends just watch, wholly unimpressed.

”do you think he’d notice if i threw a rock at him?”

”maki!”

”what do you like about them, anyway?”

the question is unexpected. yuuta has to do a double take, eyes straying from his excerpt of sappho 31 up to the person seated across from him. tapping her pencil on the edge of the table, resting her sharp jaw on the heel of her palm. 

”huh?”

”them. your crush,” maki reiterates. ”what caught your attention? there’s got to be something, yeah?”

”oh?” panda chirps, leaning back in his chair. a teasing grin playing at his lips. “i thought you didn’t care about his silly little crush.”

”i don’t.” a huff pushes past her lips, hands reaching to fix her lazy ponytail, hair tie dangling from between her teeth. ”i’m just bored. i already know all this, anyway.”

”tuna mayo.”

”oh, are you curious too, inumaki?”

”well, out with it. why them?”

yuuta blinks. once, then twice — mind spinning in circles, as his friends await his answer.

and, truthfully, yuuta can’t pinpoint the exact moment he felt it. that burst of joy, that tinge of excitement — the puppy love that rika always spoke of. she was always good at verbalizing her emotions, in a way yuuta never could.

(he always knew he loved her, but he could never put it into words.)

and he knows that he likes you. he knows because every word you speak has him stumbling over what to say, because even a single smile sent his way makes the world feel so gentle. he knows because he’d probably throw himself into incoming traffic, if you just asked him to.

but he can’t put it into words. not spoken ones, anyhow — putting them on paper is one thing, the one thing he can do. writing out his love for you in similes and metaphors, sonettes and alexandrines. it’s how he copes with everything; writing and writing, til his fingers start to hurt. he can compare you to a dandelion, to the way cicadas buzz in the light of the sun. the scent of childhood. but it’s harder to speak it out loud, to turn the feelings into sounds — that’s maki’s specialty, not his.

why does yuuta like you?

he remembers it clear as day, but still can’t pinpoint the exact second he fell headfirst into love. it was more of a creeping realization, something soft and sweet trickling through his veins. that sinking feeling, how helplessly he fell for you.

it all started with a pencil.

in hindsight, it’s a little silly. but yuuta can’t bring himself to think back to that moment with anything other than fondness.

(your smile was just so bright.)

that day had been a disaster. he was nervous, painfully so, afraid of every single new thing he came across during his first week of uni. scatterbrained, running on almost no sleep, unsure of where to put his feet as he walked.

honestly — what kind of trainwreck forgets their pen and notebook during their very first workshop?

all that anxiety, all those hours spent overthinking, and he still couldn’t manage something so small. in the moment, he almost panicked; sitting with you, a total stranger, wholly unprepared for such a simple assignment. read a couple excerpts, analyze them on paper. all yuuta could do was stare blankly at his lap, frozen, throat dry. hands cold with sweat.

but then you smiled.

”did you forget your notebook?” you had asked, voice set to a soothing tilt. calm, not angry or impatient.

”ah — yeah, i, um…” yuuta could only swallow thickly, fidgeting with the strings of his hoodie. ”i’m sorry. i haven't been sleeping well, so —”

”hey, hey, it’s fine!” you chuckled, teeth peeking out from between your lips. ”i totally get it. i almost forgot my laptop at yesterday’s lecture. we can just share!”

then you pushed your notebook closer to him, inviting him in. moving your chair a little, angling it towards him. but all yuuta could think of was how pretty your smile looked, how kind your presence felt.

”here you go,” you grinned, snapping him out of his trance. ”you can use this.”

a pencil. yuuta took it from your opened palm, gazing at it in wonder. an orange-coloured, halloween-themed pumpkin design. completely out of season. the tiny pumpkin was cute, though.

such a casual kindness. but maybe that's exactly why it made his heart flutter so deeply; as if you did it without even really thinking. as if kindness comes easy, to you.

that’s probably how it began. by the time the workshop ended, yuuta knew that he liked you, and he knew that he wanted nothing more than to be your friend.

(subconsciously, his fingers tap at the zipper of his backpack. the pumpkin pen is still with him, after you waved him off with a smooth you can keep it, if you want. yuuta has found that he always writes best when he uses it.)

”well?”

maki’s voice snaps him out of his trip down memory lane, and he stumbles for something to say. what does he like about you?

squirming, yuuta feels his face heat up, as he thinks of you. all he can see is your smile, the kindness in the tilt of your voice. the brightness of the grin you sent his way. warm and saccharine, like the sun peeking out after a downpour — when the streets smell like honeydew and rain.

”they’re just… so cool,” he finally sighs, a dreamy look smoothing over his face. ”they’re so nice. and their smile is so beautiful. they’re so smart, too — god, you should see the way they write — everything about them is just…”

yuuta blushes a deep red, smiling even still. lovesick. ”.. so, so wonderful.”

maki freezes in the midst of the tapping of her pencil. panda stops kicking at the foot of the table. and inumaki looks away from his phone, messing up his full combo.

a moment of silence passes. the study hall grows quiet, and yuuta looks down at his lap; suddenly embarrassed. sipping from his little carton of apple juice.

”hey…” panda starts, delicate. somehow, yuuta dreads the teasing edge to his voice. ”have you thought about confessing to them, yuuta?”

”what?” the boy in question squeaks, choking on his juice. ”no, of course not!”

”why?” maki deadpans. popping a chip into her mouth. ”you’re head over heels, right? might as well do something about it.”

inumaki hums. affirmative.

”i… don’t know,” yuuta sighs. a heavy breath, a little wobbly. meek. ”they’d just reject me, wouldn’t they? i mean…”

(you’re totally out of his league. right?)

maki scoffs, sitting up a little straighter. there’s an angered kind of affection in her eyes. ”you’re just deciding that all on your own. how would you know how they feel?”

the gaze she sends his way is intense. it always has been. there’s a kindness to it, though, something that makes yuuta want to look her in the eye — but he can’t, eyes still locked on his hands, resting in his lap. ”… still,” he manages a weak smile, somewhat sheepish. ”even if i wanted to, there’s no way i could. i’m too much of a coward.”

…

maki slams her textbook shut. the sound is sudden, loud. yuuta flinches, and a wince leaves inumaki’s lips. panda just watches her, snacking on some chips, a mild curiousity simmering in his eyes.

the girl in question gets up from her seat, grabbing her bass case and throwing it over her shoulder. then she looks at yuuta, eyes full of decision.

”— well, lucky for you, we’ve got some time to spare.”

a blink. yuuta gazes up at the girl in front of him, tilting his head in confusion.

maki sighs. exasperated. ”i’m saying we’ll help you. don’t look so resigned, dumbass.”

at that, panda gets up too — suddenly excited. ”are you thinking what i’m thinking?”

she just huffs, smiling even still. ”probably not. but let’s hear it.”

the grin on his face widens. he scribbles something down in his notebook, showing off the writing proudly. ”operation: get yuuta to confess is about to commence!”

inumaki turns off his phone. sitting up straight, arms decisively crossed, a strangely serious expression on his face. completely invested.

”wait — wait!” yuuta stutters, eyes wide with flustered shock. ”don’t i get a say in this?”

”of course not.”

”nope!”

”bonito flakes.”

”b… but —”

”alright, so here’s what i’m thinking,” panda begins, writing down unintelligible notes on the pages of his tattered notebook. ”we need to start small. we don’t want yuuta getting heart palpitations and fainting in the middle of campus, so —”

”tuna mayo?”

”yeah, that’s perfect! hang on, lemme just…”

”let me see. i don’t want you messing this up.”

yuuta’s voice comes out tiny, as it falls from his lips. more of a squeaky breath. ”guys, i really — you don’t need to —”

panda continues to scribble in the notebook, engrossed, arm hanging off maki’s shoulder as they go over the contents. inumaki nods along, walking over to them with lazy steps. yuuta’s protests go unnoticed, and all he can do is watch them mutter under their breaths.

”— okay. listen up, yuuta.”

he raises his head, and meets maki’s sharp eyes. she’s smiling, strolling over to place the notebook right in front of him. ”here’s how this is gonna go.”

yuuta looks down. 

everything is written out with a pink sharpie, glittery and pretty. there are little hearts doodled out across the pages, and he can tell exactly which ones were drawn by who. all of them look messy, with the exception of inumaki’s perfect little shapes. 

and there, right in the middle, lies a line of text.

panda reads it out, voice loud and cheery, while maki and inumaki stick close. all smiling, as a chill crawls down yuuta’s spine.

”step 1: ask for their number!”

plan a

”okay, so… what am i supposed to do, exactly?”

panda throws an arm over yuuta’s shoulder, and he’s enveloped by the scent of fresh sunlight. the weight is heavy, a comfort. ”we’re going with my plan first! it’s the best one, so don’t worry.”

”i don’t know about that,” maki scoffs. ”we can’t ask mai. best case scenario, she’ll laugh at us a little and say no.”

inumaki hums. he rips out a part of the notebook he’s been tasked with carrying, doodling a little face and showing it to the rest of his friends.

yuuta leans in close. it’s a cute doodle, charming. and he can tell who it’s supposed to depict. miwa kasumi.

”yeah, she’s our best bet,” maki sighs, brushing some specks of dust off her jeans. ”she seems like the nicest one in that group.”

yuuta tilts his head, brows furrowed in confusion. he plays with the ring hanging around his neck, a nervous tick he’s never managed to get rid of. ”wait, so…” he trails off, unsure. ”what are we doing, exactly?”

panda tugs him closer, a friendly smile on his face. ”we’re going to their friends for help!” he beams. ”that’ll be easier for you, right?”

a blink. yuuta gazes into the eyes of his friend, something soft blooming in his eyes.

they can be a chaotic bunch — but they’re still so considerate. considerate enough to know asking for your number straight out would be too much for him. considerate enough to think of his comfort, in a way no one else has bothered to before.

(faced with such immense understanding, such genuine friendship, how could he ever bear to let them down?)

”… alright,” yuuta gulps, clutching his ring as if to give him courage. managing a smile. ”let’s do this, then!”

with newfound determination, the four of them seek out miwa kasumi. it doesn’t take too long — she’s studying, going over legal codes in the library, eyes narrowed in concentration. and she isn’t alone.

”hey, miwa. muta.”

the pair look up from their respective textbooks and laptop, meeting the gaze of a certain maki zenin, waltzing over to their table. miwa smiles, but kokichi doesn’t say anything.

”hi, maki! how are you?”

”i’m good,” she answers, straight to the point; but her eyes soften a little. then she gestures towards yuuta with a tilt of her head. ”sorry, but this guy needs your help.” 

”hm?” miwa shifts in her seat, meeting yuuta’s nervous gaze, as he steps forward. ”ah, you’re… okkotsu, right?”

”ah, yeah! sorry for interrupting you two…”

”no, no! please, don’t worry about it,” she grins. sweet and soft, twirling a lock of her hair between her fingers. ”we don't mind. right?”

kokichi still doesn’t say anything. but he nods, when miwa meets his eyes — and yuuta notices that they seem a lot softer when she does.

”so, here’s how it is…”

panda explains the situation to the pair. yuuta looks down at the floor, face flushed as he shifts from foot to foot. by the time he’s finished, miwa looks wholly invested, and kokichi looks a little less like all he wants is for them to leave him and miwa be.

”awww, that’s so sweet!!” she gushes, clasping her hands together. eyes glimmering with excitement.

”right,” maki hums. already a little impatient. ”so, basically — we need their number.”

”… ah. well, um —” miwa trails off, averting her gaze. she looks over at kokichi, but he only shrugs, going back to his coding. ”see, here’s the thing…”

with an apologetic look in her eyes, she turns to yuuta. ”i support you 100% — but i dunno if it’d feel right to just… give away their number like that, you know?” she mumbles, sheepishly. ”i think you should ask them, yourself. that’d be way more romantic!”

”yeah, but that’s a tall hurdle for a socially anxious guy…” panda mutters, patting yuuta’s back.

”still! i’m sure they’d appreciate you being direct.” miwa closes her eyes, a dreamy expression painted on her face. ”i’d be elated if someone asked for my number like that!! all stuttering and shy… it’d be so cute!”

(if anyone notices kokichi stiffening beside her, they don’t mention it.)

maki sighs, resigned. ”well, i don’t think we’re getting any numbers here. good. what kind of creep just texts someone out of nowhere, anyway?”

”i thought it was a good plan!” panda protests, pouting a little. maki shoots him a look.

”it was an awful plan. what were you planning to say? hey, i forced your friend to give me your number, but would you want to hang out sometime?” she crosses her arms with a sharp scoff. ”i’d beat your ass!”

panda grumbles a little under his breath, but doesn’t say anything. 

”sorry i couldn’t be of more help,” miwa mumbles, sheepishly, rubbing the back of her head. ”good luck, though! i hope they say yes!”

”thanks, miwa,” yuuta smiles, already in the process of being tugged away by his friends. ”i really appreciate it!”

plan a

plan b

”alright, inumaki’s turn. what’s your take on the situation, mister?”

the boy in question sits up straight, back resting against a tree trunk. he writes something down, and yuuta waits, patiently — absentmindedly staring at the white petals of the apricot trees on campus. pure, fleeting, sweet blossoms unfurling before him.

when he’s finished, inumaki presents the page to yuuta, and everyone gathers round. reading the writing, eyes trailing over his little doodles. panda grins, and maki strokes her chin in contemplation.

”you’re a genius, inu!”

”well, it’s probably the easiest way to go about it…”

yuuta purses his lips. it’s a good plan, he thinks; writing out a note, and passing it to you in the middle of class. that way, he won’t have to turn his feelings into sounds, won’t have to speak them out loud. there’s a safety to it, the trickling of ink across blank papers. one that’s never failed him.

”… that should work,” he mumbles, and inumaki visibly brightens. ”what am i supposed to write, though?”

”just be straightforward.”

”not seconded!” panda huffs, crossing his legs. ”you need to be dramatic. heartfelt. that’ll catch their attention!” he stops to think for a moment, a hum buzzing loudly in his throat. ”hey — why not write them a love poem? put those skills to good use!”

”a love poem?” yuuta squeaks, a slight heat rising to the tips of his ears. ”there’s no way i could do that! and i’m not skilled, i —”

a pause. yuuta bites his lip.

”… it’d just be embarrassing,” he finally mutters, playing with his ring.

(he wonders what rika would think, if she were here. what she’d advise him to do — would she like the love poem idea? probably.)

”well, you could at least try. who knows, maybe they’ll like it,” maki attempts to reassure him, chewing at a piece of gum. ”if they’re anything like miwa, it’ll be easy.”

gnawing at his bottom lip, yuuta emits an anxious hum. deep in thought. maybe you would like it, but… what if you just think it’s cheesy?

maki observes him, intently. listening to the emotions behind his silence. tapping the pads of her fingers on her knee, in a rhythmic motion. ”… at least try writing something out,” she says. ”if you can’t think of anything, then just copy some random old guy. what was his name, uh — catallas? or something?”

yuuta’s gaze snaps up, eyes gone wide. ”catullus?” he gapes, in disbelief. ”are you insane? do you even know what kind of poems he wrote?”

maki shoots him a confused look, and a tilt of her head. ”isn’t he the ’give me a thousand kisses’ guy?”

”he is, but that’s —” a sigh, exasperated. flustered, as it flows from his parted lips. then he shakes his head. ”nevermind. it doesn’t matter.”

”tuna…” inumaki mumbles, nudging yuuta’s shoulder with his head. a silent encouragement. and even with no words, yuuta knows what he’s trying to say.

just be yourself. this is your specialty, right? 

write from your heart.

”inumaki…” yuuta meets his gaze, and is met with a pair of warm eyes. a friendly punch meets his shoulder, soft and delicate. kind.

”… alright. i’ll write it!”

”that’s the spirit!” panda grins. ”just give it to them during tomorrow’s lecture.”

”yeah,” yuuta nods, mustering the courage to smile. ”i will!”

when yuuta gets home that night, he makes himself a cup of coffee with too much sugar, and gets ready to write.

he listens to maki’s acoustic guitar covers through his headphones, curled up with the fluffy blanket panda gave him, and munches on a hastily made onigiri to give himself much-needed energy.

(writing with a certain pumpkin-themed pencil, basking in the scratching of lead against blank pages.)

his hands are shaking.

it’s barely noticeable, but it’s there. that nervous shiver of his bones, the rattling of his skeleton. you’re sitting right next to him, so close he can smell the shampoo you use, the mint off your breath —

and yuuta can’t seem to hand you the note.

he spent all last night writing it. putting every single little drop of his love into every single little word. but that fear of rejection still remains, rendering him useless, unable to act.

you’re listening to the lecture, but only halfheartedly, absentmindedly doodling in your notebook. out of boredom, he assumes.

it’s the perfect moment to strike.

yuuta’s hands are shaking, and his heartbeat is stuttering, crawling up his throat. he takes a sip of water, hoping it’ll make the dry sensation go away, but it doesn’t work.

(just be yourself.)

with a deep intake of breath, he pushes the note over to you — not daring to look your way.

his eyes remain glued on the laptop screen in front of him, but he hears you pick it up, hears the rustling of paper as you unfold it. his heart echoes with a similar rhythm, unstable, borderline erratic. the rest of the lecture passes by slowly, minute by minute, at an agonizing pace.

when it finally ends, yuuta has to restrain the urge to run away — turning towards you slowly, hesitantly, as if just the sight of you could blind him if he isn’t careful. but you’re already looking at him. and you’re smiling.

”that was so good, yuuta!”

….

huh?

”sorry, but i honestly don’t have any feedback,” you mumble, eyes trailing over the note again. ”i like it a lot. i didn’t know you wrote poetry!”

”… ah.”  yuuta stumbles for something to say. staring into your eyes, blankly. dumbly. ”t.. thank you! i’m glad you liked it.”

with a brief shake of your head, you smile, and something sickly sweet unfurls in his chest. ”not at all. thanks for letting me read it! i’m sorry i can’t really help you improve…”

mentally, yuuta falls to his knees. places his palms on the floor and dry heaves, clutching his heart. did you not get it? was he not clear enough? he wrote it with you in mind, so —

”maybe you could show it to professor nanami?” you suggest, unaware of the turmoil within the boy to your right. ”i'm sure he’ll be a great help! he can seem a bit intimidating, but he’s nice.”

”.. yeah,” yuuta smiles, weakly. ”i’ll do that. thanks again.”

for a moment, he isn’t even upset. because you flash him another bright smile, and suddenly, even the frustration of yet another setback doesn’t feel so awful.

(maybe it’s fine, he thinks. maybe this is enough; speaking to you, getting to see your smile up close. maybe he doesn’t need anything else, after all.)

”so?” maki questions, waiting for him outside of class with his other two friends. ”how’d it go?”

shoulders slumped, but still wearing a smile on his face, yuuta chuckles. it comes out sounding a little strangled. ”they… thought i wanted their feedback on my poetry.”

….

”what.”

panda attempt to stifle his laughter, but it doesn’t really work. inumaki elbows him gently, but yuuta sees his eyes crinkle, too. he breathes out a low chuckle. ”they liked the poem, at least. so i’m happy.”

a sigh falls from maki’s lips, and she waltzes over to him, a hand on her hip. the other reaches out for the note in his palm. ”let me see.”

quickly unfolding it, her eyes trail across the words on the pages, the flowery lines of writing —

and then she shoots him an unimpressed look.

”.. yuuta,” she pinches the bridge of her nose. ”what the hell is this? you didn’t even mention their number.”

panda leans over her shoulder, peeking at the text. eyes glancing over a couple lines, riddled with sugarsweet metaphors. ”uh, wow. you… really got into it, huh?”

a groan leaves yuuta’s lips, the sound muffled as he cradles his head in his hands. ”please don’t say anything else. i just wanna crawl into a hole and die…”

inumaki shakes his head, erratic, pointing at the poem with shining eyes. ”mentaiko!”

”ah, you liked it? thanks, inumaki…”

the boy in question smiles, shooting yuuta a thumbs up. he returns it with a small smile of his own.

surrounded by his friends, all he can do is bask in their warmth — and the memory of the smile you gave him.

plan a plan b

plan c

a groan fills the air, as yuuta slumps over the table. cheek pressed against the cold wood, absently kicking his legs, voice meek and defeated.

”this is never gonna work,” he mutters under his breath. eyes devoid of hope. ” i’m just not cut out for this, guys…”

”aw, c’mon….” panda reaches over to ruffle his hair, palm big and warm. ”don’t give up hope! you want to grow closer to them, don’t you?”

”i do, but…” he sighs. ”this isn’t going very well, is it…?”

inumaki frowns, sending yuuta a sympathetic glance.

”oh, quit moping already!” maki grumbles. ”we just need to keep brainstorming. isn’t it time for my plan, yet?”

”should we really even keep going…?” another sigh, heavy with fatigue. yuuta’s mind spins in circles, tiring him out. rendering him a bit cynical. ”i mean… maybe it’s fine if things stay this way.”

a moment passes. maki looks at him, emitting a soft scoff. ”what, so you’re just gonna keep pining for the rest of the term?”

”that’s the plan.”

”yuuta…” panda pouts, shoes bumping against his beneath the table. ”be more positive! just think about it; with every step you take, you get closer to confessing!”

yet another groan. this one is deep, riddled with exhaustion. muffled into the table. ”that’s the scariest part…”

before either of his friends can begin to persuade him otherwise, encourage him further, a sing-songy voice echoes throughout the air. loud, cheery — a little bit obnoxious.

”oh? did someone just say confess?”

at the same instant the sound reaches their ears, a chill runs down the youths’ spines. in tandem with each other, they raise their heads; gazes falling on a certain satoru gojo.

panda and maki are the first to act, speaking simultaneously as the white haired man inches closer. 

”— no.”

maki closes the notebook containing operation: get yuuta to confess, right before their professor can get close enough to see it. then she turns towards him, shooting him a cold look.

”your hearing’s getting bad,” she hums. ”maybe you should book a doctor’s appointment.”

a pout. gojo takes a seat right beside her, uncomfortably long legs bumping against every single other pair of shoes beneath the table.

”oh, c’mon. you know i heard you.” his hand reaches out to ruffle her hair, but she smacks it away. ”you’re starting to sound just like megumi, y’know that?”

maki grits her teeth. ”guess it’s a genetic thing,” she huffs. ”now can you leave? don’t you have papers to grade?”

”don’t you have papers to write?” gojo smirks, a teasing mirth in his eyes. hidden behind his sunglasses. maki ignores him. 

placing his palms on the table, he leans a little closer, lips curled up into a cheshire grin. foreboding. ”sooo… yuuta’s got himself a little crush, huh?” he teases. ”tell your favorite professor allll about it. maybe i can help!”

”professor geto is our favorite,” maki shoots back, instantaneous.

a soft huff. there’s something sour in gojo’s expression, now. ”that guy? really?”

before the two can argue further, yuuta takes the opportunity to to speak. smiling apologetically, polite and sweet. ”thanks, mr. gojo, but…”

”he doesn't need your help,” maki cuts in. so much for diffusing the tension. ”and do you really expect us to believe you get girls?”

”wha — rude!” gojo scoffs. ”for your information, i’m a natural charmer!”

… 

a moment passes. then another.

”… tough crowd,” he clicks his tongue, met only with four blank stares. ”but, really — let me help! i'm your professor, you know?”

and this time, yuuta thinks that gojo’s smile looks just a little more sincere. something kind and gentle in the way his lips curl up, like a father’s affection for their children. something that makes yuuta falter.

(maki might like mr. geto more — but when it comes to yuuta, his favorite professor is a no-brainer.)

so he speaks up, again. ”we can at least hear him out, right…?” maki shoots him an unimpressed look, but he doesn’t back down. ”we’re stuck, anyway…”

and just like that, gojo brightens. it’s obvious, in the way he sits up, more alert. in the way his grin grows wider. ”right? what you need is the perspective of someone more experienced.”

”have you even talked to a girl before?”

”i see him at ieiri’s office, sometimes.”

”salmon.”

”isn’t she a lesbian? that doesn’t count. i mean, like, in a romantic context.”

”i thought mr. gojo was gay, too?”

”what? no way. have you seen the way he’s dressed —?”

gojo clears his throat, voice loud and grating. demanding attention, cutting his eager students off. ”anyway,” he chirps. ”gather round, children! i’ll tell you exactly how to ask the person you like for their number.”

”wh —” yuuta blinks. ”how’d you…?”

”operation ’get yuuta to confess!’, step 1: ask for their number!” gojo repeats, grinning ear to ear. voice rich with amusement. ”i like the glitter. it’s a nice touch.”

maki huffs. looks like she didn’t close it fast enough.

begrudgingly, the youths quiet down, finally willing to hear their professor out. and gojo seems satisfied, at last, speaking in a hushed whisper; eerily serious all of a sudden. ”ok, so here’s what you do…”

everything goes silent. yuuta strains his ears, and gojo parts his lips. 

”— just ask them! easy, right?

….

”let’s go, yuuta.”

”mentaiko.”

”i heard they're serving those sandwiches you like at the cafeteria today! let's hurry before they run out.”

”ah — i was just kidding!” gojo laughs, as his students get up from their seats. ”i have an actual answer!”

maki grabs her bass, inumaki takes the notebook, and panda ushers yuuta away. they begin to walk down the hall, ignoring the pleas of the man behind them. pouting, as his shout echoes throughout the hallway. 

”kids! come back!”

plan a plan b plan c

plan d

”okay, so this is going absolutely nowhere.”

relishing in the shadow cast by the giant campus tree, the four friends sit on their usual table, sandwiches in hand. yuuta takes a bite of his, tentative. a little disheartened.

”really, guys… i appreciate it a lot, but maybe we should stop here.”

maki huffs. reaching across the table, she gently smacks him over the head with her can of sprite. ”no way. we still haven’t tried my plan.”

he leans back, a little further, a hesitant look in his eyes. the sun shines down, relentless, but the air smells like rain. in the distance he sees clouds, dark, approaching at a slow pace.

an omen, he thinks. a reason not to speak out.

rika always liked the rain. she liked the scent that came with it, the puddles she could jump in. she liked shaking the branches of tiny trees, just to see him jolt and squeak as the raindrops hit him.

the ring around his neck weighs heavy on his heart. the promise of it, the oath within the silver.

(when we grow up, let’s get married!)

”earth to yuuta!”

his eyes flutter open.

the sun shines down, embracing the contours of his face. painting his world yellow. from this angle, staring up at the tree, he can see it breaking through; between the gaps of the green leaves, the white blossoms. forcing its way into his line of vision.

a flicker of hope.

”do you want to hear the plan or not?” maki scoffs, crossing her arms and tapping at her elbow. impatient.

yuuta meets her gaze, finding it in him to muster up just a little more determination. ”yeah,” he breathes. ”i do.”

a smile blooms on her face. ”good. alright.”

panda and inumaki inch closer to the pair, careful not to knock over the cans of soda resting on the table. in a mess of limbs and tousled hair, they gather round.

this is it, yuuta thinks — the final plan. if it fails, he’ll just have to keep pining from afar. memorizing your smile, over and over, until you graduate and part ways. 

this is it.

maki parts her lips.

”— just ask them,” she says. ”straight out.”

silence. 

a moment passes. a soft, pleasant breeze flits by, caressing yuuta’s skin. his ring sways with the wind, gently. 

”… huh?!”

panda furrow his brows, leaning closer with his palms on his knees. ”i thought we agreed that was stupid!” inumaki huffs out a low affirmative noise, holding his sketchbook tightly to his chest. but maki only puffs out her chest.

yuuta tilts his head, with a soft furrow of his brows. ”didn’t you just cuss out mr. gojo for suggesting that…?”

”well, it’s dumb when he says it…” she mutters, under her breath. then her gaze turns firm. ”look — yuuta.”

when the two lock eyes, he notices a steadfast determination, glimmering in her irises. something almost burning.

”you aren’t going to get anywhere if you’re too cowardly to even look them in the eye,” she tells him, not allowing him to squirm away from the eye contact. ”you guys can come up with those convoluted plans all you want, but there’s no way you’ll grow closer if you can’t face them.”

tousling her hair, softly, maki lets out a sigh. there’s a kindness to it, distinct. he can tell she’s trying to be tactful. 

”if you really want to get to know them, then you have to be direct. and you have to believe in yourself. you’ve already resigned yourself to the fact that they’ll say no — but that’s just dumb.”

panda winces, under his breath, but doesn’t say anything. maybe this is exactly what yuuta needs to hear.

the boy in question listens, the eyes of his friend boring into his own. determined, confident, sincere — everything he isn’t. everything he wants to be.

”even if you don’t believe it, you’re a charming guy. we all think so,” she continues, matter-of-factly. angered affection overflowing in her voice.

”have some confidence, dammit!”

a moment passes. yuuta feels his lips part, ever so slightly. a little speechless.

panda and inumaki sit shoulder to shoulder, hands over their eyes, shielding themselves from the sight in front of them. comically, as if it’s too bright to look at directly. 

”this… overflowing tough love…!”

”salmon roe…!”

maki grins, all teeth, a little wolfish. but kind. ”the worst thing they can say is no, right? 

yuuta blinks. ”maki…” he mumbles, looking into her eyes, a certain sensation running through his chest. a kind of confidence. passed on from her to him — one friend to another. the most natural exchange in the world.

then he smiles. a little meek, somewhat awkward — but bright. ”yeah. yeah, you’re right!”

the lazy grin on her lips only deepens, as she gets up to her feet, dusting non-existent dirt off her jeans. reaching a hand out for yuuta to take. ”c’mon, loser. shape up. you’re gonna steal their heart, aren’t you?”

a moment passes.

yuuta takes her hand in his. ”i am,” he swallows down a gulp. willing his voice to sound even a little bit self-assured.

and she pulls him up, effortlessly, overflowing with a natural resilience. still grinning cheekily. encouraging him. ”you’re gonna go out there and do your best, right?”

”i — i am!”

another voice chimes in. ”you’re gonna finish my essay for me this week, right?”

”i am!”

…

”wait —”

maki hits panda over the head with a soft thwack. a wince leaves his lips, and inumaki giggles, quieting down when maki sends him a warning glance.

”don’t throw him off his game,” she huffs. then she turns to yuuta once more. ”let’s go find them. alright, loverboy?”

a smile blooms on his lips. grateful, to be surrounded by such sunny people. ones that make it a little easier to smile each day. ”right.”

— but before either of them can take a step forward, a warm voice spills into the open air.

”um, yuuta?”

the boy in question stops in his tracks. he feels his eyes widen, spinning on his heels, hair ruffled by the breeze — turning to look at the source of the sound. 

it’s you.

you, with your sunkissed smile, that inviting voice. that soothing, soothing presence. one that has his heartbeat picking up in speed, hands growing sweaty, throat running dry. one that makes him feel a little bit feverish. and you’re looking right at him, into his eyes.

”hey!” he sputters, blinking rapidly to convince himself that he isn’t hallucinating. but you just keep smiling, answering his awkward greeting without skipping a beat.

”hi! sorry, could i just… talk to you, for a second?” 

he blinks. the world stops spinning.

(you… want to talk….

to him?)

attempting to find the words, any words, he opens his mouth — but nothing comes out. not a single syllable, no vowels, not even a sound. nothing at all.

he can only stare, star-struck.

it’s not until his friends push him forward that he’s snapped out of it; they surround him, on all sides, wearing matching grins. teasing and excited.

”don’t worry, he’s all yours!”

”have fun, you two!”

”salmon!”

— then they’re off. 

yuuta tries to reach for their sleeves, in a weak attempt to keep them from leaving, but they’re gone before he can even blink. leaving him all alone, with someone he can’t talk to without experiencing intense symptoms of heart failure. 

he stumbles for something to say, again, but thankfully you beat him to it.

”sorry for interrupting you guys,” you say, voice set to a low tilt. apologetic. and his throat unclogs, a little.

”ah, no, it’s fine!” he smiles, maybe a little too giddy. wanting so badly to reassure you, to put you at ease. ”i’m happy to speak to you!”

…

(oh god oh no why did i say that —)

your smile widens, blooming like a flower in the sunlight. unfurling in front of his very eyes. ”me too!” you say, excitedly. ”i feel like you and i have been talking more, recently… it’s nice.”

eyes crinkling, you wringle your hands together, and look at him fondly. yuuta’s surprised he manages to keep his knees from buckling.

”i think so too!” he grins, ears pink and dimples showing. 

both of you smile. the breeze curls around your hair, illuminating the colour of your eyes. yuuta stops breathing, for a moment — just taking it all in.

”so — anyway…” you murmur, fiddling with the fabric of your pants. ”um… haha. sorry, i’m — a little nervous…”

yuuta blinks.

(he knows where this is going. all the signs are there, right in front of him; the flush of your cheeks, the nervous tapping of your fingers, the hesitance in your eyes. he’s read enough shoujo manga — he knows what this means.)

and he almost can’t believe it.

all he can do is keep smiling, hoping it’ll give you even a fraction of the peace that your smile brings him. ”don’t be,” he says, voice soothing. scratching the back of his head. ”whatever it is, i’ll — um. i’ll listen, so…”

he clears his throat. swallowing thickly.

”just — whenever you're ready.”

there’s no mistaking it. your ears are painted pink, and you’re gnawing at your bottom lip. fiddling with your fingers and avoiding his gaze, with a soft inhale, clear air filling your lungs. he wonders if your throat feels as dry as his, if your heart is beating even half as fast.

”um… okay, so…” you mumble, eyes unable to stay in one place for too long. a soft bout of laughter escapes you, and he can tell you’re trying to stave off your own nervosity; it sends a pang of ache running through his chest.

he wants to tell you that there’s no need to be nervous. that he’d listen to anything you have say, absolutely anything, no matter what it is.

he wants to tell you that he’d never let you down, that he’d have to be foolish to even think the thought.

he wants to tell you that he’ll hear you out. whenever, wherever. for as long as you need.

”do you, um…”

a gulp. your eyes find his, and there’s a soft kind of decisiveness in them. 

here it comes, he thinks. here it comes.

yuuta feels the heat on his cheeks, ears burning. and he hears the patter of his heartbeat, loud and heavy, echoing in his muddled mind like a mantra. but his chest feels light; fluttery, butterflies dancing around uncontrollably. 

clutching the ring around his neck, subconsciously, he looks you in the eye.

they’re bright, glimmering like little galaxies — or maybe more like summer skies. painted over with a warm hue, something nostalgic and sweet, so pretty it hurts. if he strains his eyes enough, he’s almost sure he can see the swirling of fluffy clouds in the depths of your irises.

a smile rests on your lips. it's almost overwhelmingly sweet, albeit a little shy, as you part your pretty lips. voice soaked in nervosity, tingly and shaky, and something he knows to be puppy love.

a shallow, dry intake of breath. yuuta braces himself.

here it comes. 

your voice spills out into the air, dripping with honey and magnolias. he thinks to himself that he’d like to hear the melodic lilt of it every single day; before going to bed, right after waking up. walking to campus together, heading back to the dorms when the sky gets dark.

just the sound alone would be enough.

subconsciously, he tugs on the strap of his backpack. thinking of the pencil inside it. his lucky charm, along with the ring around his neck — ordinary objects, both too precious for words.

(when we grow up, let’s get married!

you can keep it, if you want.)

here it comes, yuuta thinks.

a new beginning.

he strains his ears, and purses his lips, and watches your lips move as you finally ask —

”do you have maki’s number?”

(somewhere in the distance, from an inconspicuous bush, the muffled screams of three students and one professor resounds.)

[sevnation]

my redacted top ten! (listener edition)

1. angel, all i post about on this account is angel. theyre just like me fr and i have so many plots and headcanons for them (theyre a stoner, theyre from a hunter family, blah blah blah) but i also love the way they interact with david, perfect match imo.

2. sweetheart, whats not to love about sweetheart. sassy, break in master, most powerful stealth in the redactive universe to date, and they’re dating milo!

3. fool!freelancer specifically. fool!freelancer is so attractive i was literally acting like gavin the whole video. if fool!freelander walked up to me in a cafe we’d be in the bathroom in 20 minutes

4. doc. i love doc. theyre so morgan coded its insane and they treat hush with such gentleness (hush, the serial murderer)

5. lovely. NOW DONT GER ME WRONG. i love lovely so much, theyre my baby and they deserve better. however, i cant listen to the vincent audios without crying. my baby gained powers after almost being killed, losing said powers and ACTUALLY DYING, and is now living life as a dead person. me and vincent wouldve been scrapped

6. darlin. same as lovely, cant listen to sam’s playlist beyond the ‘alpha and mate have a talk’ because it makes me break down into tears.

7. starlight. avior and starlight COME HOME ITS BEEN 2 MONTHS AND 1 WEEK. but anyway, theyre not low because i dont like them, theyre low because i like everyone else more. starlight my sassy king

8. baabe. NOW LISTEN PLEASE LISTEN DONT GRAB ME PLEASE. i love baabe sm theyre so sweet but ASHER HAS LITTLE TO NO AUDIOS. I DONT KNOW PLS. i love baabe and ash tho my bbs

9. bestie. STAND UP. STAND UP NOWWW. this made is a CULTIST AND YOU KISSED HIM. YOU GOT CULT COOTIES.

10. asset / cutie. no explanation.

[jolieblack]

Jolie’s thoughts on Silver Blaze (Sherlock & Co. podcast) Parts 1 & 2

… because I can already tell that this will get too long if I wait for parts 3 & 4 to drop…

I know Joel has said in several places that this case is his favourite ACD story, so expectations are high… and not being disappointed so far!

I already loved this one at 3 minutes in, with the opening montage of part 1 being totally over the top, mega blockbuster crime of the century style, and then the next thing we get is Sherlock practising the clippity-clop thing and looking for a new home for 327 ants.

Sherlock being a train geek (of course he is) and going on about the ghost trains just after John went on about the creepy Dartmoor legends got me, too. In my book, Silver Blaze has never had a gothic horror vibe to it, but it may well have now! Let’s see how that aspect will develop.

Other details I loved:

John‘s mum: "He‘s a very sensitive boy and you need to respect that." - "He’s not a boy, he’s a man… who plays with ants."

John and Mariana pushing Sherlock into the case by threatening him with a party, and John being a gleefully cackling little bugger about it when it works.

"Just trying to understand how your brain works." - "Yeah, you and me both, mate."

Sherlock giving us a whole paragraph straight out of ACD (the "plethora" bit) - I love how well it always works in contrast with how everyone else in this universe talks.

The dodgy SD card, which - I hereby predict - will turn out to be more than a comedy element as the case progresses.

Sherlock deducing the entry code for the cottage, we love to see that kind of stuff, don’t we.

"We’ve got a horse to find. Giddy up."- Love it when Sherlock speaks ordinary colloquial modern English like a foreign language.

"You are a child, a giant crime-solving child!" - Sherlock Holmes in a nutshell.

"I’ve done the washing up - he said, pausing for a thank you - " - "Thank you."

Oh and scrolling on our phone to the point of existential crisis till we pass out is so how we all fall asleep these days, isn’t it. Jonk Watson, the true Everyman for the 21st century.

And then we get feeeeels, too!

Starting with "Talk to me, John." - 🥹🥹🥹 The incredible intimacy of that little moment. Also, another 'John', seemingly out of nowhere - is this Sherlock being incredibly finely attuned to the moments where John's war trauma may re-emerge, such as in this scene where they’re viewing a very badly injured body, ready to step in with whatever emotional support may be needed? If so, our boy has come a long way already since the first sweet but clumsy "Would you like to hold hands and talk about your emotions?" when they were viewing the body in Thor Bridge and I’M HERE FOR IT.

And what was that shower scene??? Things getting very much *less weird* for Sherlock while he stares at his dear companion in the shower (who presumably doesn’t shower fully or even half dressed) and imagines what life would be without him? If this show was heading in an unequivocal Johnlock direction, I‘d say this was an awakening. As it is, I don’t believe for a second that Sherlock was high. He just wanted reassurance that John would stay in the picture forever, whatever exactly you like to imagine the picture to be. 😭

More lovely details:

"Cinderella will go to the ball" - "You stop being so bloody clever, and I will stop with the compliments." And literally two minutes later it’s "I'm not asking you to be comfortable, I’m asking you to help me solve the case!" and John being Sherlock’s literal beast of burden so Sherlock can look over a wall that even little John Watson climbs without any assistance only a minute later.

Sherlock Holmes telling John Watson to get on his knees as if this isn’t the moment the Sherlock Holmes fandom has been waiting for for over 140 years.

Sherlock being gentle and friendly with the horse!

And to wrap up, a few thoughts on the case aspect:

[Warning: Contains spoilers for the original ACD story and may therefore contain spoilers for this version, too!]

*

*

*

*

*

The limping sheep in part 1 had me going 👀 already, and now the cataract knife has made its appearance, I really don’t expect a lot of surprises when we get to the denouement, and I'm assuming that the fact that there is an imprint of the letter S from the walking stick on the head of the murder victim just means that there was a violent confrontation quite some time before June actually died. Why else would Sherlock agree with Inspector Gregory that the imprint is there, but also with John that those extensive and massive injuries could not have been caused by a single blow with a stick? Nope, not sensing any dramatic plot twists compared to the original version this time. Let’s see if I was right!

[hanasnx]

Ask and ye shall receive, so my take on this is that this is like 19-21 year old Anakin— possessive, jealous, emotional, horny horny horny, break the Jedi code to get my dick wet, falls in love hard, fast, and deeply—Skywalker, who went and caught feelings for his fwb. They were always firmly in agreement that it was "just sex," but it's never just sex with Anakin, he feels too much, so now that she's broken things off to get into a real relationship, he has to channel his all of his feelings into sex. It's not love, he just needs to fuck her one more time right? It's not jealously, he just thinks it's funny that he was fucking her on the side while she was dating this other guy. It's not possesiveness, he just knows he fucks her better than anyone else, even the man she fell in love with. One more time, just one more time, he'll make it so good, he'll channel every morsel of heartache into it, because if he can't have her he might as well make sure she can't forget him.

here's the version with subtle phone effects on the voice

https://soundgasm.net/u/AugustInTheWinter/M4F-Your-Ex-FWB-Leaves-You-a-Jealous-Voicemail

And here's the version without

https://soundgasm.net/u/AugustInTheWinter/M4F-Your-Ex-FWB-Leaves-You-a-Jealous-Voicemail-No-Phone-FX

Also disclaimer he doesn't sound exactly like Anakin, and the audio itself doesn't take place in the SW universe, but I get the feeling we're the same level of delusional and can fill in the gaps mentally. Anyway I hope you enjoy it, I'd love to hear your thoughts 💖

-👑

link 1

link 2

spoilers to the audio under the cut cos omfg these lines got me lookin like :o

☥ “… do you remember what happened next? .. i bet you do.”

☥ “does he know?” talking about fucking you after your dates with your now bf when you were unexclusive at the time that is my CRACK

☥ “fuck one more out of your system. you guy’s just started dating, it’s not even cheating. yea, baby, cmere,”

☥ “wonder if he thought about you during the week. overanalyzing every interaction. ‘oh, am i texting too much?’. maybe you weren’t texting back bcos you were begging for my cum.”

☥ WHEN HE SAID COCKSLAVE WOOOOOOOOOO

☥ “i cant believe i’m never gonna have that pussy again.” sounded so much like anakin’s voice i

☥ “but if you guys break up. you know where to find me.”

👑, i casually ate 5 pieces of pizza listening to this bcos ur right hot damn he does sound like anakin and i couldn��t pay attention to anything else. i was seeing the whole damn thing. usually i’m not into these, but i think bcos it was a “voicemail” and there was no awkward waiting parts where he was expecting u, the listener, to answer— i enjoyed it thoroughly. you know what i mean about those awkward silent parts?

your take?? golden much like your crown, bcos my usual premise for his one shots is that you’re his fwb, and it’s easier this way to keep things separate. but yes, those underlying confusing feelings he pushes away are always ones of “it’s just sex. i don’t love her. that’s crazy.” or “i’m not jealous i’m just aggravated i can’t be jealous when she’s not really mine…”

yet here he is. fisting his cock to the memory of you. the suns gone down where he’s staying, and no doubt you’re asleep. but he had to try to call you anyway, some time when you wouldn’t be around your new boyfriend. it’s just his voice that sends through, too dark to record a hologram for you. talking that filthy shit to you in hopes you’ll remember all the good you two had. come back for more.

i love what u had to say so much i want it tattooed on my forehead bcos it’s so frustratingly anakin to twist his own words and confuse himself in order to avoid the truth. also to fuck someone and then go ahead and fall the hell in love??? so on brand.

“yea i can keep my feelings separate….

no, actually i lied about that entirely. here are my feelings, they’re your problem now.”

specially bcos i imagine in this fwb relationship you took his virginity—

this was all over the place but i fuckig loveeeee the jealous ex fwb knowing he has no business talking to you like this when you’ve got a bf, but trying it anyway. bcos the chance of filling you up one last time is greater than the possibility of you refusing to talk to him because both you and him know the silent treatment won’t last.

literally ur invited into my inbox anytime love. i love ur mind

edit: i should say i do not condone cheating i just have an infidelity fantasy

[mcytgirly]

Non talked about opinion, but ‘Cool About It’ by Boy Genius is so desert duo coded and I haven’t seen anyone talk about it. So please take part in me analyzing the lyrics of ‘Cool About It’ to show you why it’s desert duo.

Met you at the dive bar to go shoot some pool (Found each other always, even if unintentionally. Always there to play the games.)

And make fun of the cowboys (ie. ranchers??) with the neck tattoos (I like to think soulmate marks in double life were on their necks.)

Ask you easy questions about work and school (every single small talk they’ve had in the life series since 3rd life)

I'm trying to be cool about it (the two of them literally haven’t mentioned what happened in 3rd life since like double life. I know as actual people their lives didn’t change obviously, but as characters they did. They were completely changed because of that desert, and yet they’re expected to be ‘cool about it’)

Feelin' like an absolute fool about it (idiots in love?? Need I say more.)

Wishin' you were kind enough to be cruel about it (Scar has never once gotten mad at Grian for all the times he’s hurt him. Outside of double life Scar hasn’t even really confronted Grian about it. Yes, Scar said the “you stab a man in the back” and “it’s for your secret soulmate” but he’s never fully been mad at Grian.)

Tellin' myself I can always do without it (I like to think that yes, both Grian and Scar never left the desert. But Grian tried to and failed, just like him trying to convince himself that he doesn’t need Scar. Well Scar never left the desert out of choice, he always goes back to Grian.)

Knowin' that it probably isn't true (Neither of them can do this without each other. Just Grian still tries to get away and Scar hasn’t. They need each other.)

I came prepared for absolution, if you'd only ask (The entirety of third life was the two of them literally against the world. The two of them would go anywhere with each other if the other asked. Literally all of their deaths in double life was an adventure they went on either separately or together.)

So I take some offense when you say, "No regrets" (They both hurt each other, and made each other lose lives. Though Grian pushes away Scar because he doesn’t want to hurt Scar again. Well no matter what Grian does, Scar still goes back! Scar doesn’t regret any of it.)

I remember it's impossible to pass your test (The entirety of every scam Scar has committed. Grian has never fallen for one, it was always Scar who fell for Grians. For example, Scar giving Grian a life in last life, and the entirety of their cactus trade in secret life.)

But I'm trying to forget about it (GRIAN WANTS TO FORGET, SCAR DOESN’T. NEITHER OF THEM EVER DO)

Feelin' like I'm breaking a sweat about it (“Scar put your clothes back on!”)

Wishin' you would kindly get out of my head about it (Grian being the one to tell Scar, “She’s dead Scar. You won.” in Secret life. And the entirety of “the voices want a fight” in third life)

Tellin' myself one day I'll forget about it (Once you win all the tiny details come back, but during the games you remember everything. So Scar remembers third life in last life but not on Hermitcraft. So every single season Grian always hopes he’ll come back and he’ll have forgotten what happened, he’s stuck having every single detail swallow him whole. He wishes he could use his hands again without seeing blood on them. But forgetting meant forgetting those lilacs and poppies, and Grian couldn’t live in a universe where he didn’t remember what those flowers smell like. Scar wishes he could remember everything yearns to never have to forget again, until he then wins secret life and realizes winning is to much to carry. Not when the memories haunt him everywhere and everyday for the rest of his life. He yearns to wake up one morning and forget everything, to never feel that loneliness again, but that would mean forgetting the desert, Scar can’t live in a universe where he doesn’t miss the feeling of sand underneath fingernails.)

Knowin' that it probably isn't true (Though contrary to the prior statement, both of their biggest fears is the other forgetting everything)

Once, I took your medication to know what it's like (After Scar won Scar was able to understand why Grian was so avoidant and never spoke about the life series outside of the games)

And now I have to act like I can't read your mind. I ask you how you're doing and I let you lie (Never apologized outside of 3rd life. They just don’t bring it up, they lie. Just like when Grian asked Scar if he wanted to be friends and Scar HAD to say no because he had to LIE)

But we don't have to talk about it (They never actually talked about what happened outside of the games!! They’ve never fully brought up 3rd life since the beginning of last life. They were never going to talk about it. )

I can walk you home and practice method acting (The both of them act like it doesn’t matter, but it does. It does matter. It eats them alive. It’s what brings them back to each other in every life, is every game, in every universe. They’re just ACTING)

I'll pretend being with you doesn't feel like drowning (Whenever they’re around each other they just have the memories of everything before this. They would forever be trapped by the memories of every moment they’ve ever been together. They will always go back. They will always feel like they’re drowning.)

Tellin' you it's nice to see how good you're doing. Even though we know it isn't true (They just want life to go back to how it was before. They’re just idiots in love. They just want to be a part of each others lives. They hate each other, they love each other more than anything. They want to be a part of each others days, yet they’re going to betray each other in ever lifetime. They’re going to avoid each other for the rest of their existence, they’re going to find each other again in EVERY SINGLE LIFETIME.)

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

[14muffinz]

when worlds collide

inspired by @blackfire-fanfiction 's soul switching au

words: 1819

~~~

The day starts slow.

Maybe it’s just Leon’s imagination, but it’s probably not. Being in this body is just not his thing. Their knee is hurting like crazy, as always, and every time he shows up he swears that everyone around here gets angstier.

He loves these guys, don’t get him wrong here. But he’s always more at home in the other body, with his overly energetic and constantly loud brothers, where he’s almost expected to wind down.

The other guy likes it around here, though, and Leon can still see why. After all, these are the guys he grew up with, before the swaps started. And Leon’s are the others. Plain and simple.

Anyways, back to the point – things start slow. He and Mikey gather together on the couch to watch a few episodes of a cartoon that Leon’s blanking on the name of. Leon’s itching to do something more active, but their knee is protesting and they’re not far from training time anyways, he might as well save the energy.

Right when he’s preparing to follow the usual schedule, the peaceful morning is interrupted by a sight that instantly has Leon on edge. A bright blue portal, a very familiar bright blue portal, lights up the room, and Leon’s already rushing before he processes anything else about it, like the purple sparks flying out of it for one.

Mikey’s not far behind, and because it’s still an unprompted portal in the middle of their home, both turtles draw their weapons.

The sinking feeling doesn’t come until figures start flying out of the portal, all screaming at varying volumes. Donnie – as in, yes, the softshell Donnie – lands first, scrambling back to his feet and hand quickly reaching for his bō. He’s quickly followed by Mikey, who’s pulled completely into his shell and only leaves once he starts sliding against the floor. Finally comes Raph, who’s curled around a light-green turtle that Leon’s used to seeing in the mirror.

His first thought? Holy shit. His second thought? Ah, shit.

The local Raph enters because of the noise, eyes blowing wide as he registers the scene around him. Donnie’s not far behind, not even shutting the lab door as he rushes into the main room.

Raph – oh, great, this isn’t confusing at all – releases the fourth turtle from his hold, and within a few minutes both sets of turtles are staring down one another, all hostile except for…

It’s him.

Leon needs to keep up the leader thing, as does Leo, but it’s clear they all have forgotten that in favour of just staring at one another like they’ve never seen themselves before. Because in a way, they haven’t. He’s known that the other guy is real, of course, but knowing that and seeing one of his bodies moving on its own is a whole different experience.

“I think that we’re doing the alternate universe thing again,” the local Mikey notes, still holding his nunchaku but his stance quickly beginning to slip.

Yep… seems so…

Okay, so there’s probably a great story for how his other set of brothers managed to land themselves in this dimension, but Leon really really really needs to pull the other guy aside for a chat. Or conversation, definitely not a short chat. There is a lot to be said here.

“Again?” Other Donnie – okay no that is not better what the heck should he be calling everyone – blurts, taking on a familiar kid in a candy store expression. “Ohmigosh, have you breached the barrier before?”

More than you know, bro.

“I am not about to blindly trust you,” the local Donnie states, staring down the alternate set of turtles. That seems to snap the other guy back into his performance, and he adjusts his stance to something a bit tenser, and Leon has to suppress a snort as he watches the guy pretend to scan the room. “How did you get here?”

Oh, if only he were in the other body. As the three more colourful turtles all slowly turn to glare at their Donnie, Leon nearly joins in. This is prime bullying time! It’s a betrayal to twin code to not be at one another’s necks! The other guy does it for him, though, so he supposes that’s good enough (for now).

Donnie’s not the type to hesitate under a glare, in Leon’s experience, and it certainly showed. “Awkward cough– technically the blame cannot be 100% assigned on me, because Leo—”

“You are not pinning this on me,” the other guy (Leon hesitates around calling him by his own name) argues.

“Well it was your interference that caused—”

The other guy crosses his arms and scoffs. “You asked for my help, Donnie.”

“And you provided i—”

Bigger Raph, already bored of the twin fight (wow it’s weird to be on the other end of that. Is that really how they act? Weird), grabs Donnie by the battle shell and yanks him away from the other guy. Donnie keeps up his glare, but the other guy doesn’t give one in return. Leon wishes that he could.

Leon realises that he’s already sheathed his swords, he didn’t even notice. The other brothers from this dimension are hesitating, but they haven’t warmed up to the concept quite as much as Leon.

Rude. They’re the ones who have already done this song and dance. Someone needs to pass around some chill pills.

Younger Mikey clears his throat, bouncing slightly on his feet. “Anyways!” He says actually. The bouncing picks up energy as he scans the room more thoroughly. “Donnie, your thingy worked! You did it!”

Smaller Raph steps forward to say something, and while that distraction is going on, the two blue-clad turtles meet eyes yet again. Leon tilts his head a little, the other guy nods, and Leon knows that they’re on the same page. We need to talk.

⠀

⠀

“I can certainly… try to recreate the portal with the help of Donatello,” Leon’s twin says carefully, a few minutes later, when the turtles are all settled in the pit and not gripping any of their weapons. “Though it will be quite the challenge without the blueprints for the machine on hand. The last copy I have of them saved is a few nights of work out of date.”

Great. Coolcoolcool.

“…Is that it?” Bigger Raph asks.

The eight turtles all hesitate, all wondering where they’re supposed to go from here. Luckily, Leon already has a pretty good idea of what he’s doing next, if he can pull this off while staying in character.

Good news, he’s the son of an actor, and he’s been acting for a good portion of his life.

“I believe so?” Local Donnie replies, also hesitant.

Leon’s first instinct is to clap his hands and stand up, but he hesitates right before he actually claps, realising that maybe that’s not the best approach. Instead, he fidgets for a moment or two, making sure nobody else plans on speaking up.

“Is it alright if I speak with other-me for a few minutes?”

Local Raph (someone should have brought up a naming system, but whatever, too late now) looks up, startled by the question. Nobody has any reason to stop them, and when Bigger Raph meets the other guy’s eyes, the other guy shrugs and stands up.

“O– my bedroom?’

“Sure.”

Awkward.

Leon’s been awkward around here, sure. It’s still his body and in a way his brothers, but at the same time it’s always been more of the other guy’s place. Leon plays his role while he’s here, and in return the other guy pretends to be him whenever they’re swapped. And up until now, when they’ve finally met, he’s thought that he’s done a pretty good performance. Now he feels like he’s being judged.

The two disappear down the hallway with all of the turtles’ bedrooms, and the moment Leon shuts the door to their bedroom, he can’t help the hysterical laughter that begins to bubble out of him.

It doesn’t take the other guy long to join, flopping down on their bed and letting out his own set of hysterics.

“This is so weird,” Leo admits.

“Did you ever think we’d actually…” The other guy trails off. It’s a bit weird hearing in Leon’s own voice, but to be fair it’s not the oddest thing of the day.

“Of course not!” Leon responds, joining his other self on the bed. There’s room, and standing just makes him feel even more awkward. “I don’t even know what to call you, man.”

“That’s what you’re focusing on?”

“Duh!”

Because the other guy is apparently an absolute hog, he decides to steal the pillow and lean it against the wall, using it as a backrest. He stares around their room as if seeing it for the first time. “Do you think we’re going to be able to switch back while everyone’s here?”

Leon’s first thought is what if this stops us from switching back at all but he stops that thought fast because it’s too scary, and this is supposed to be a good moment, one where he finally gets to have a real conversation with the guy he’s spent a good chunk of his life pretending to be. “Maybe? We don’t have any proof that it has to do with which world we’re in.”

“We also don’t have proof it has to do with which body we’re in.”

“Are you trying to be negative nancy right now?”

“I’m just making sure that we’re thinking about all the information we have.”

“Can we sit back and just appreciate this? For two seconds?”

The two seconds don’t take long to get awkward, so Leon makes a pop noise that quickly snaps the other guy back into motion.

“For the record? It’s still Donnie’s fault that I’m here.”

Leon chokes on a laugh, and then several more, and even if it does irritate his throat a bit, he still thinks that it’s way too funny. “You sure?”

“Yes!” The other guy responds, throwing his hands up defensively. “He was asking to see how our ninpō would work with his machine, and I guess I wasn’t as good at controlling it as I thought.”

“That sounds like your fault,” Leon responds flatly.

The other guy crosses his arms in a dramatic way that Leon didn’t think was normal for him, and executes a pretty impressive glare. “Well, he’s the one who trusted me.”

Leon would argue, but he’s pretty down for teasing his twin, as long as it’s not taken too far. Plus, they can have Leonardo solidarity, or something.

There’s a lot more to be said. Leon’s still trying to prioritise everything in his head, but after years of having painfully slow, hard to read conversations, they finally have a chance to sit back and actually talk, and he’s not about to waste it.

[remuswriting]

painting pumpkins; i. hajime

Summary: Y/N shows Iwaizumi something he does with his family for Halloween.

Pairing: Timeskip! Iwaizumi Hajime/Male! Reader

Warnings: Timeskip: University, Reader is from Texas, nearly a crack fic with the way Y/N talks, Iwaizumi likes Y/N and Y/N doesn’t know

Word Count: 1,271 words

Notes: If there are any typos, then they’re meant to be there at this point bc I’ve edited this thing like four times now.

“Dammit,” Y/N mumbled next to Iwaizumi.  They were painting cardboard pumpkins, because Y/N said it was what he did back home in Texas for Halloween.  These would last far longer than any real pumpkin.  And while Texas may have its issues, Y/N swore it has the “best Halloween ever.” “I got paint on my shirt.”

Iwaizumi looked to see that Y/N’s gray shirt had a long orange brush stroke on it.  This was why Iwaizumi had opted to wear something he needed to throw away—an old white tank top he wore in high school.  Y/N declared he wasn’t going to get paint on himself, so it didn’t matter what he wore.  Apparently, that was wrong.

“Maybe you should wear an apron,” Iwaizumi suggested—well, it was most teasing.  Y/N glared at him for a second before grabbing paper towels to dab the paint off.  His brows furrowed as he worked on it.

“I wore this shirt every day in high school.” Y/N continued working at the paint on his shirt. “Hell if I knew why, but my mom wanted me to trash it.” He looked at Iwaizumi. “It’s one of those weird shirts that ya just love for no reason, but it’s not special.  Kinda special to me, though, ya know?”

Iwaizumi didn’t know.  He didn’t know what Y/N meant or why Y/N was telling him this.  It felt oddly intimate, though.  Probably because Y/N’s accent came out a little.  He remembered the first time he heard Y/N on Skype with his family.  He struggled to understand what Y/N and Y/N’s family said, only to be told that Y/N had only been catching them up on his week.

It was what made Iwaizumi believe Y/N when he joked he was the “master of code-switching,” because people hated the way he spoke if he didn’t code-switch.  Apparently, everyone in the United States thought anyone from the South—Texas in particular—was uneducated and a bigot.  Those two words didn’t fit Y/N in the slightest, seeing that he was pre-med and one of the nicest people Iwaizumi had met in America (that was an American).

Y/N looked at his shirt. “Do ya have an apron ‘cause ya can’t just suggest things ya don’t have.”

Iwaizumi stared at him long enough for Y/N to look at him. “We live in the dorms,” Iwaizumi said slowly. “Why would I have an apron?”

Y/N shrugged. “I dunno.  Maybe ya thought ya’d need one?  I don’t know your life.”

“The only aprons I had in Japan were my mom’s.”

Y/N’s face lit up. “I once had one that said ‘world’s best chef,’ but my brother stole it ‘cause he says my food’s inedible.”

“Is it?” Iwaizumi asked, and Y/N shrugged.

“I’ve never had an issue eatin’ it, but the rest of my family act like it’s the worst thing ever,” Y/N said before picking his paintbrush up and looking at the half-orange pumpkin. “I should’ve painted this thing white and made it a ghost.  Or Dracula.” He looked at Iwaizumi. “Do ya know if Dracula was white?” Iwaizumi chuckled, which made Y/N’s brows scrunch together. “What’s so funny?”

Iwaizumi stopped laughing and shook his head. “Nothing.”

Y/N looked at him with narrowed eyes as he pointed his paintbrush at Iwaizumi. “I don’t believe you.”

“It’s nothing.  Don’t worry about it,” Iwaizumi said.  Y/N nodded a little before painting an orange line down Iwaizumi’s tank top. “What the hell was that for?”

“Laughin’ at me,” Y/N said, smug. “I know everyone thinks I’m stupid, but I promise you, I’m not.”

“I don’t think you’re stupid,” Iwaizumi said.  Y/N looked at him, annoyed, clearly not believing him. “I really don’t.  It’s just that sometimes you say ridiculous things.”

“Like what?” Y/N asked, which Iwaizumi hadn’t expected.  He also hadn’t expected for Y/N to sound genuinely curious.  He expected Y/N to paint on his face, but he preferred this.

“Like if Dracula is white,” Iwaizumi said.

Y/N threw his hands up a little, Iwaizumi dodging the paintbrush. “Well, sorry that I never read the book or got into all that vampire shit.” He frowned. “I remember when Twilight came out, and my sister ate that shit up.  I couldn’t see the appeal of it, though, ‘cause it doesn’t matter how sexy they are; they want to kill you!”

Out of everyone Iwaizumi had met in America, Y/N taught him the most American sayings.  It wasn’t like Y/N was trying to teach him, he just spoke and Iwaizumi learned.  But Iwaizumi could probably write a book about why Americans are weird for saying “ate that shit up,” and all the other international students would make it a bestseller.

“Dracula is described to be extremely white and old,” Iwaizumi said, trying to dig his brain a little since it had been two years since he read it. “It’s because he’s meant to be an ugly yet attractive character.”

“Don’t judge them.” Iwaizumi squinted his eyes at Y/N, who sighed. “It’s okay to be into old men.  I have a friend from high school who’s dating someone older than her dad.  I think they’re getting married soon.” Iwaizumi remained quiet. “Why aren’t ya saying anything?”

“Why are you okay with your friend dating an old man?”

Y/N shrugged. “She’s 26, so she can do whatever she wants.  Hopefully, he’s rich, though.  If he’s not, then what’s the point?”

“Like what’s the point in marrying if he’s not rich?”

Y/N’s eyes turned serious.  It actually scared Iwaizumi a little. “What’s the point in marrying an old man if he’s not rich?  If he’s not circling the drain, then why would I marry him?  Like imagine having sex with a wrinkly prune.” Y/N shivered. “Disgusting.  I’d have to be paid to do that.”

Iwaizumi laughed.  He couldn’t help it.  The way Y/N looked at him like it was the most important thing he’d ever say was funny, but also cute.  Y/N was frustratingly cute, especially when he talked about random things that Iwaizumi didn’t entirely understand.  Or really, when he just talked.

Then Y/N was laughing with Iwaizumi.  His smile was wide and tugged at something in Iwaizumi’s chest.  Another annoying thing was Iwaizumi liked Y/N’s laugh and smile so much that it hurt a little.  That didn’t stop him from wanting to do or say something else to make Y/N continue laughing.

“Alright,” Y/N said as he looked at Iwaizumi’s pumpkin.  He painted it orange, like a regular pumpkin, but Y/N frowned at it. “Are you going to paint a face on it?”

“Why would I paint a face on it?”

“Jack-o’-lanterns, dummy!” Y/N said, and he reached across the table, getting more paint on his shirt, and grabbed his phone. “My dad does the best ones!  Let me find a picture!”

Iwaizumi smiled and knew he was fucked.  If he told Oikawa this—that he was excited to see a picture of jack-o’-lanterns just because Y/N was excited to show them—he would be teased mercilessly.  He wasn’t sure Oikawa would be too bad about it, because he had accidentally met Y/N when Y/N barged into the dorm—interrupting Iwaizumi and Oikawa’s FaceTime call—to inform Iwaizumi the cafeteria had the best selection for dinner.  So, Oikawa would probably understand, just a little.

“Hajime!” Y/N said, barely mispronouncing it.  Only Iwaizumi really noticed it, but it was because he was so used to hearing the southern lilt that always wanted to come out when Y/N spoke. “Are you paying attention?”

Iwaizumi looked at Y/N’s phone, where a photo of Y/N surrounded by 10 jack-o’-lanterns was displayed. “Yeah.  Show me some more pictures.”

[yvtro]

Two questions that I'm genuinely interested in your answer for (bc I love your metas ngl) but I totally get it if you don't answer.

What's your biggest unpopular opinion on Jason, and your least favorite popular/fandom opinion on him?

disclaimer: i’m moving blogs. still here to go through my askbox, but you will find me at @boyfridged most of the time.

i'm very flattered, thank you!! and sorry this took me so long to answer. and it did take me so long 1. because it’s really hard to tell what is actually an unpopular opinion (i did thankfully find myself in a circle of mutuals who mostly share the same intuitions when it comes to his character) and 2. because I mentally put a label on it “asks to get me assassinated.” and I guess the take that i have requires quite careful wording. 

so, my unpopular take is that from in-universe point of view, jason shouldn’t be a vigilante, and it would be best for the storytelling around him to focus on this fact. and i’m not saying that in a mean, moralistic nor diminishing way. i just think that jay’s storyline is a story of everything that can go wrong with a sidekick, and of how vigilantism can traumatise people into oblivion, and completely annihilate their ability to function normally. part of it is a result of the fact that imo jason isn’t naturally suited for vigilantism (that is not to talk about his skills nor efficiency in it, i will get back to it shortly), and part of it is a result of the circumstances in which he was introduced into it, and of course the subsequent trauma.

you could say “uhm every superhero story is like that, he’s not special,” but typically, when you think about characters such as bruce wayne or dick grayson etc., the event that comes to mind when you think about their biggest trauma is something that… pushed them into vigilantism? and vigilantism supposedly helped them in some ways? (it can be argued against, but that’s an underlying assumption) (+even without a tragic backstory, characters usually have much more agency in their decision to become vigilantes). and in case of jay, his biggest trauma isn’t anything that came before robin, and his life was awfully fucking sad, so i think that it says something. his biggest trauma is associated with what he went through already as robin and then retraumatising events that followed his resurrection. 

it’s really puzzling to me that this distinction is never deliberately written about nor truly brought up in comics…? i think the closest we came to this was, ironically, starlin’s run (when alfred straight up suggests that maybe robin just isn’t good for jason) and countdown (where jay intends to leave the superhero community altogether). 

okay, so you can say: vigilantism is kinda shitty for you. breaking news, we’ve known this already.

except there's something, in my opinion, that makes jason’s case special and more nuanced. it seems, at first glance, that with all the love and compassion jason has, he should be great material for a vigilante still. but he clearly isn’t. why is that?

the crushing proportion of other characters have moral systems, coping mechanisms, and understanding of vigilantism that make this life at least possible for them. on the other hand, jason’s personality, his lived experience, and his moral stance makes vigilantism extremely unsustainable. i mentioned it before in my post about eoc, but most (especially 1st gen, but not only, i’d argue that most former teenage superheroes also came to this point as well) vigilantes, even if associated with love and compassion as the core of their actions, have understanding of vigilantism and moral codes that jason doesn’t possess. (for a long while i was on a “jason has a moral code but it’s casually bastardised by most writers” team but since then i have thought about it a lot and my current take is that he was good at following orders as robin, and has some provisional rules as the red hood, but they’re nowhere near an actual code. as i said in the linked post, i think morality is more of an on-going emotional practice for him). and it all makes sense! let's circle back to bruce for a moment. of course, the reason for which he doesn’t kill is grounded within his own beliefs, but he is also very painfully aware of the thin line that vigilantes walk on when it comes to the law and being trusted by the public. i'd argue he is very conscious of the fact that being a vigilante comes with responsibility of cultivating a certain ethos. he had a lot of time to think about it! in many ways, he invented it. and it’s practical. it's what makes this life possible.

jason doesn’t have it. jason’s idea of vigilantism isn’t carefully designed nor sophisticated, jason’s idea of vigilantism is that he is in the field and he has power to do things, so he has to do them. he has to trust his moral intuitions. and in many ways, he’s not wrong – it's not a flawed view to hold, especially not in the ordinary life. but that also means that there are no lines that he won’t cross if he thinks he can help or fix the situation. but in the world that batman introduces us to (a world in which, to quote le guin on an unrelated matter, there’s no ends, but only means), it’s self-destructive. to compare him again to bruce, bruce is self-sacrificial, but his conceptual understanding of vigilantism and his moral code protect him in some ways. jason’s moral judgements and actions are unrestrained and radical (not to say that they’re reckless or inefficient; he’s still a great strategist and can be even overly careful if it’s required). and that is set in a world where evil never stops. we already know that the joker will always come back, for example. what does it mean for jason? he will try to match the energy, of course, and he’s not stopping either. bruce is similar in that aspect, yet he has a whole insurance set that helps him deal with extreme situations. there's an offset. and jason doesn’t have any. he won’t ever hit the breaks. i think you know where i’m going with this metaphor. 

so i guess my take is that… bruce’s outlook on vigilantism is, against the popular opinion, very rational. but jason just brings his heart into it and nothing else. and that’s just catastrophic.

this is really me just pushing the “love is his fatal flaw” agenda again tbh, but with additional emphasis on why the same trait isn’t that tragic for other characters who share it. also this is why it’s so crucial to me that he should have a civilian arc… 

and as to my least favourite fandom opinion on him, i can't think of anything very specific right now, but my general pet peeve is anything that divorces his characterisation from his 80s personality. i think you can tell that i really dislike painting him as resentful towards dick, and all takes that indicate that he's always been cynical and distrustful toward the world. i think a lot of people want his storyline to be one of someone who has, from day one, been full of rightful anger, but the thing is that it has not been his story to begin with. he had to be pushed really far for this to happen. and this is what makes him so special compared with most anti-heroes – that his story starts from a genuine place of innocent and naive hope and love despite all he suffered.

[philosophicalparadox]

The thing I like about Berserk most of all, ironically for me, is that the characters are dominantly human.

I usually never like the human characters or root for the human side in Man Vs Monster tropes, cause humans are usually dicks being unfair and judgemental and most man v monster is just Catholics vs Jews or Catholics vs. Protestants, or Catholics vs Heretics of any other flavor 2.0

But Berserk doesn't play by those rules, ironically - VERY ironically, considering there's a whole arc dedicated to the Holy See and Catholic church torturing heretics for funsies.

But that is exactly what I love about Berserk - there's no “man must become a monster in order to defeat one”, no - man is already a monster, plain and simple. Anyone, anywhere, can become a monster in the right circumstances - and those circumstances are A) not at all universal and B) not always tragic or relatable or heroic. They're often vile, disturbing, disgusting. Hypocritical. Nasty. I wont go into detail - if you've read Berserk, you already know.

But that is how it is - everyone has their reasons, everyone has their moments - and they're not always pretty, or justified, or sane. Sometimes the person in those moments thinks so - but often in Berserk you see people, ordinary humans, doing heinous things knowing they are doing something injurious or harmful, purely because they can, or they want to, or because they think they'll be rewarded in some way. Inquisitors torturing innocent people because they think God will reward them is among the least of it. Hell, the Band of the Hawk is unto itself a Mercenary Band. Judeau said himself they had all types of folk in their rank - that they didn't care about pasts, only futures. Criminals, bandits, you name it. Judeau himself was a performer - not a nice thing to be back then - Corkus was a common bandit/petty theif. They had decent folk the same; second sons would have been trained knights without a title, not that being a knight made one at all decent. Plenty of nasty, rapey ones existed.

Point is, the only black and white in Berserk is the colour coding of Griffith and Guts (which is deliberately ironic in multiple ways) and it lays that out right from the start.

Grey. There's so, so, SO MUCH GREY, it's all there is, anywhere, in anyone. There's no virtue without vice. There's arguably the opposite- Wyald comes to mind - but even he is just supremely dark grey. His actions are as despicable as possible, but his reasoning is that of a child. He is so dark he might as well be black, but I still hold that he is just the deepest grey- similarly, Laban is surprisingly very chivalrous, and a genuinely good and honest man. Even in the face of the destruction of everything he knows, he remains virtuous and steadfast. He is mostly white - as white as its possible to get in this story and still be somewhat grey; for even he can't help his humanity and despises those which would assail himself and his country, as a knight ought to I suppose.

What's interesting here, though, is that both our image of the deepest grey and the palest are both side characters. Wyald plays a pretty important role in the plot, but so I would argue does Laban, for what little we see him. He demonstrates that even in a world collapsing, humans can still have hope, and that when calamity strikes is when humans are most keen to band together and support each other in the wake of common circumstances (plague, famine, disaster).

The two main characters however (well, 3 if you count GA Casca) are, despite their respective color palettes, extremely mid. Yes they both do some extreme stuff, but morally they’re both opposite but still similar shades of grey- and personally I’d argue their palettes reflect the exact hues they possess, with Guts actually being the darker, more morally corrupt one. But that’s a post for another day.

Berserk is the ultimate tribute to the Cynic's philosophy. And I am nothing if not a cynical philosopher lol.

[banamine-bananime]

opinions on wash? for character bingo ^_^

I do love wash but for me he’s like, blorbo by proxy to soooo much of the fandom that i’m like aight he doesn’t need me there’s other people appreciating him way better than i would anyways. It’s also kind of that “zone of compelling mediocrity vs having nothing to add to a complete concept” thing for me. Like his character arc is arguably executed the best, at least one of the best-executed, in the show, and then any things to elaborate on have been elaborated on so well by so many awesome writers in this fandom that i’m like *thumbs up* tight story I have nothing to say. But since i don’t talk about him much i’ll take this opportunity to just list things i do love about wash:

really funny guy in both intentional dry sarcasm ways and unintentional ways through being so fucking… how to describe it… sort of a Stoic Military Man who Endures Things and represses Unnecessary feelings and denies himself pleasures when he does not need to do that. He does such weird things and he’s like so serious about it, sighing deeply and resignedly at Yet Another Time The Universe Is Testing Him, yet at the same time recognizes the absurdity in these situations but just… doesn’t take that recognition to the point of removing himself from the situation or refusing to engage and instead he just Endures but also wisecracks about it.

obviously all the epsilon stuff. Man. situationship of all time

LOVE the marathon-winning grudgeholding in a way that he’s entirely silent about it until suddenly he is very not silent about it. guy who CANNOT just fucking let it go but you’ll never realize that until it’s too late. reactive dog with growl violently trained out of them “bites out of nowhere!!!”

going along w that, yay repressed anger issues!!! sorry that’s flippant but i have so much love and sadness and anger for ~Troubled Kids~ railroaded into violent professions and places based on being branded with labels of violent/oppositional/defiant/angry/dangerous instead of being helped. “hey you’re struggling with something that’s making you so angry you can’t contain violence or feel so unsafe that the only defence you’re left with is aggression or feel that you need to make people fear you to feel a little less unrespected and powerless or so that they get a taste of it for once. instead of addressing that i think we can use it. you know how people believe you’re Bad and that you’ll never change and lots of doors are shut to you? well, this one’s wide open and it’s what you’re meant for, as a person who is good at violence and not trusting people. come here and we’ll train it into you some more.” i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: cop-dog-coded motherfucker

really really good juxtaposition of this with being the goofball rookie. i know some people get frustrated with the inconsistency between pfl-recruit-era wash in book-extras vs in the show but to me it really adds something. a guy can both be goofy and have repressed anger. that guy might play up the goofiness trying very hard not to again be railroaded into Being The Crazy Angry Dangerous Kid. he is friendly and wants friends! that guy might also internally chafe at the kind of friendship that exaggerated “i’m not a threat! i’m not a threat! i swear i’m not a threat i’m just a little goofy guy!!” presentation begets. being treated as the dumb hopeless class clown sidekick is demeaning and makes you resentful no matter how hard you’re trying to make yourself think “hey, they’re my friends, this is good, they like me, they’re joking with me so they don’t hate me, this is so much better than being disliked”. and then you’ve got this internal spiral going of fear of your own capacity for anger and resentment -> overcorrect -> more things to resent

YAYYYYYYY JUSTIFIED VILLAIN ARCS MY BELOVED. love s8 washie so much.

as with carolina, really well-executed redemption arc of growing to accept friendship and rest and forgiveness and hanging onto hope that there is something better (frands and luv for them) you can shoot for than just getting revenge. wash: life is just unending cycles of violence forever change my mind. *blues offer him forgiveness and unconditional acceptance* wash: wait. i didn’t know they could do that. brb recalibrating my entire worldview to account for the power of friendship.

i actually don’t like a lot of fandom “wash and cats” content because it often hits kind of a woobification tone i’m not interested in, BUT i love imagery of alleycats, cats with nine lives, cats that always land on their feet (even when they fall off something in the goofiest, most clumsy way possible. wash paradox of dexterity/somehow surviving against all odds and dumb clumsy accidents/bad luck real). cockroach kitty wash : )

otoh my Hot Wash Take is i think sometimes some fans swing the pendulum too far the opposite way from All-Characteristics-Erased-Except-Trauma-And-Protectiveness-And-Cats Woobie Wash. yeah he’s obviously extremely competent but he’s far from the most skilled character in rvb (not his fault the competition is insane) and he is a bit goofy. let him goof up a little i promise it’s okay he’s gonna land on his feet

[freelanceexorcist]

FFVII Rebirth spoilers under the cut.

OK, so I was off the mark in a good bit of my speculation about Ore and Watashi Sephiroth. Way, way off the mark for some of it.

And from now on, I’ll identify the two as Glenniroth for who he was impersonating most of the time and Jenovaroth for who he has latched onto and is probably in a scenario where one doesn’t know where he ends and she begins.

I’m sticking with my feeling that Glenniroth is Chaotic Neutral, just currently on the darker end of the moral spectrum. I thought I would be bummed if this turned out to be the case, but it’s the opposite. I love this version of him. Like, a lot. He’s so deliciously wicked I just can’t help myself. The verbal evisceration of Rufus? The sarcastic clapping at the end? Using Terms of Endangerment on Cloud? Making him bring it in just to fuck with his head? Sassy, manipulative and rage-fueled Sephiroth is the Sephiroth I never knew I wanted so badly.

Jenovaroth? He’s cooked. Blotto. Pants-on-head fried. His eggs are well and truly scrambled. Not even playing the same sport as his pre-Nibelheim self, let alone being in the same league. And there’s no coming back from even a little of that. However…

He does cartoonishly over-the-top horrible and evil things, yes. But is he truly evil in the purest sense? See, that’s not a word I like to use lightly and I reserve it for the types of characters who do heinous things because it gratifies them or because of greed. There’s a difference between an antagonist killing a shit ton of people with names and dialogue in service of a cause they think is worth it and someone doing it because they get off on it or because they profit from it. And then, of course, there’s the Chaotic Evil alignment. If Jenova is a member of the Gi tribe like she’s implied to be to me, that complicates the issue. More on this later.

Before I continue, I should explain how I interpret Chaotic Neutral in fiction outside D&D.

A Chaotic Neutral character’s motivation is freedom, but I think it’s also survival. They are unfettered. They don’t give a fuck. They align with anyone who can help them get the job done and help them stay alive, and don’t concern themselves with these people’s moral standing. They are morally dubious themselves. They may align themselves with either the good guys or the bad guys just so see what it feels like. The lighter ones may operate by a personal code of conduct or honor, but the ones on the darker end of the spectrum-which is where I think Glenniroth currently is-tend not to.

Torching Nibelheim was a horrible thing to do and something he can’t take back. So was killing everyone else’s pretend girlfriend in his universe, wherever that may be. But the point of divergence for him appears to be that he either didn’t cleave to Jenova, or at some point broke away from her.

See, I think it’s the former, because a common trait of Chaotic Neutral characters is that they can be solitary. They don’t need anyone else. They may have friends and people that they like, but they prefer to go their own way on their own terms.

With Glenniroth, we don’t know how his version of Nibelheim went down, so it could be that he was thinking of all the people who betrayed and abandoned him, disabused himself of the notion that Jenova would never do the same, and said “you know what? Fuck you, too” when he was halfway up the mountain. And off he went to do whatever he wanted.

Along the way, perhaps he also abandoned the notion that he was Cetra. After all, when was the last time he heard the planet speak? The scientists must have been mistaken about what they found in the rock layer. So much to his dismay, he realizes that while he is different from everyone else, he is human.

This doesn’t make him feel any better, because he hates most other humans now. To him, they’re his abusers and his manipulators. They’re the ones who kept him on a leash, used him, tortured him as a child, treated him like a piece of meat or made him an object of mindless hero worship and unachievable expectations. He can count on one hand all of the people in his life that he thought he could rely on, and all of them either died or turned their backs on him. The world’s small towns are safe from him for now, though, because he’d die happy if he never had to interact with anyone again.

His act in Nibelheim didn’t burn away his sadness, loneliness, compassion, kindness or loyalty. Those things aren’t gone forever, they’re just in a cellar with no stairs in the bottom of a locked file cabinet in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying “beware of leopard.” They’re shoved so far down inside him, James Cameron would have to get into one of his submersibles and hit bottom in order to find them again. Now he’s a 6’6” mountain of disdain and spite, and it shows in all of the interactions we see.

But along the way, while enjoying the blissful solitude that comes from extreme misanthropy and not giving a fuck, he finds out that the planet is dying. He wouldn’t have known this before, because why would Shinra ever tell him that? Why would they even care as long as it was all black in the ledger? Those survival instincts kick in, and his mission is now to save the planet. Not because of any newfound caring or respect for humans, but because if it dies, he has to wander a barren husk as a displaced ghost until the heat death of the universe. He says so himself in the Edge of Creation.

Much to what is most certainly his dismay, he realizes he needs humans. Or more to the point, he needs to use humans for his plan to save the planet to work. He needs to eliminate Shinra, and decides that another war between Wutai and Shinra is what will do it. And it will be so huge and devastating that the people will come together out from under Shinra’s thumb and heal the world. And this time, the shoe is on the other foot, because Sephiroth’s about to become the demon of Midgar. Shinra’s going down. Surely Lord Godo and any surviving Wutai soldiers would be willing to bury the hatchet long enough to see that happen so they can rebuild.

Now, this isn’t him having an I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing moment, oh no. Thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of people will die, but eh. Not his problem. That’s food for the Lifestream that will sustain the planet a little while longer. That’s all that matters. All he needs to do is rattle some sabers, plant a few false flags and voila, humans will be chomping at the bit to do what they do best: kill, hurt and betray each other. Out of that could come the unity needed to reject mako, find a more sustainable source of energy and leave the planet alone so she can recover.

This isn’t to say that this version of Sephiroth is permanently on the darker edge of morality. The thing about Chaotic Neutral characters, is that their moral fluidity can sometimes solidify given certain circumstances. Don’t get me wrong, the man he was before Nibelheim is gone. I think the best we’re going to see from him is some kind of anti-hero, and I’m not talking about the cool 90s kind. We’re talking more Byronic Hero from this guy or one of the darker dishes on the Anti-Hero menu. That’s sometimes what happens to these types of characters in fiction, and it can make them even more interesting, not less, because there’s a chance for real character development. He’ll still be a dick, of course, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Assuming that’s what’s happening in Glenniroth’s case, of course. They could throw us yet another curveball and have him in cahoots with Jenovaroth for all we know. That doesn’t seem likely, though, as their goals don’t align.

I’ll end this now, because I’ve rambled long enough. Thank you for reading if you chose to do so. Maybe I’ll post the next part about Jenovaroth, maybe I won’t. It all depends on how I feel when I get home after that fuckwit from Field Services has had another go at me on email and Teams messages. I went to a good school, but that school wasn’t Hogwarts, Karen.

[pinkandpurple360]

Do you … think interclass/interracial relationships are inherently imbalanced and therefore should never happen? Like these imbalances exist (especially with Stolas where he’s literally coercing him into sex) but if it’s a loving couple who balances best they can (BeeTex, Fizzozzie, etc.), you think they should split and “reunite with your own kind?” What in segregation

“Shipping Blitzfizz is racist” (?)

Can I answer your frankly kinda snarky question with a question? Do you think secret interracial relationships between royalty and the oppressed and enslaved subjects are unequal? I would never say shipping stolitz is racist, only that how it handles race is deeply problematic and fans are clearly trying to ignore or minimise that if they try claim it’s not. But they’re demons coded as a certain race.

Anyways, anon, no, not in the present day. Obviously. You cant have any idea about my background cause i keep it private, but my family members are of multiple races and ethnicities. Assuming this based on my cartoon ships is so out of pocket.

But anyways, during the segregation and slavery eras where some entire races were seen as second class citizens but still used as courtesans and concubines for royalty? Like Stolas uses Blitzø, and what Ozzie was only able to free Fizz from due to his own power and privilege of his role in society? Absolutely. That’s fundamentally messed up as long as the other persons entire race is still being subjugated, specifically by the royals they are attached to. With nothing being done to rectify it.

And also, knowing that they might not be able to survive if not for said royals favouring them as performers and ‘saving’ them, isn’t that odd?

Mind you, also, far as we know Bee keeps her boyfriends kind, her own subjects, in cages when they don’t have parents. As long as this is going on unaddressed, yes this makes me uncomfortable as well. The fact Ozzie, Stolas, and Bee all have anger issues and intimidate or hurt members of lower classes, also makes me uncomfortable. Ozzie and Bee don’t treat their partners this way of course, but it still concerns me.

See how weird it gets when you use human race dynamics a little bit too literally for demon cartoon ships? But yes, the racial dynamics in this universe, as it stands, are imbalanced, scarily so. And imps in a general sense outside of their favourites, are treated poorly by both Ozzie and Stolas who use the term in a reductive (“that feisty imp” “limpdick imp “my impish little plaything”) even oftentimes derogatory manner. And Fizz/Ozzie will always have a place in my heart, for sure, but it’s getting a bit too crooked until we see why their relationship was secret and until Oz gets solo development. Hint: it’s because Ozzies people hate fizz for being an imp.

I treat the relationships as normal, with the exception of stolas because that story is unsalvageable no matter if he abdicates and is mortalised, it’s too much.

But anyhoo, that’s not the reason I like Blitzø and Fizzarolli’s mysterious and slowly unraveling love story (and yes, it still is one) and chemistry, take out all the racism and slavery themes which in my opinion were far too dark for Viv to handle maturely since she can’t stop woobifying the oppressors and vilifying the oppressed who don’t play nice) and id still love them. Their story of loss, circumstances forcing them apart, misplaced hate, ego, fame, overcoming the need for external validation or masking it with false bravado, performing, abuse, mutual hidden love, partnership, affection, finding beauty in the roughest of places….yeah that’s it for me. There is so so much there.

On a last note, I think more diverse pairings of royals and hellborn is needed. For better representation, diversity (hello where are the lesbians?) and so that people can stop accusing me of this oddness just based on me liking blitzfizz.

[littlespoonevan]

Sending this to you bc I know you don't 100% believe in canon buddie. I don't really agree when people say that buddie has to happen any minute now. Is it just me or are they not very romantically coded at all? I struggle to find anything between them that isn't platonic. The guardianship thing? To me it seems normal for close bffs to do that. The extremely sexually charged kitchen scene? That was 3 seasons ago and hasn't happened again. Of course we can speculate based on those moments and say they'd be perfect for setting up buddie. But what do we actually have, without speculation? Maybe one or two looks exchanged between them, like during the couch metaphor convo? Also, atp neither of them is even canonically attracted to men. I say all of this as a buddie shipper, I want them to be together and I enjoy the speculations. But then I actually watch a new episode and I don't really see anything in the text that seems to lead up to it. Of course I'm hoping that'll change in future episodes but yeah. Idk, what do you think? Am I being too sober?

hey anon! i’m going to apologise in advance for how longwinded this answer is going to get but i wanna make sure i address all your points!! 

so one thing i went into the fandom believing (and something i still stand by) is that in s2 and 3 there is very little outside of buck and eddie’s dynamic with chris that implies anything romantic between them. i think the same can be argued in part for s4 and 5 (though i do believe something has shifted but i’ll get to that later!). and i know chris is so intrinsically tied to their dynamic it’s like, well what’s the point of removing him from the equation? but the thing is, for me, it’s about needing to see romantic attraction.

like, yes they’re a family, yes buck acts as a co-parent to chris, yes they’re partners and confidants and everything in between and yes they love each other. all of that is canon and none of it is extrapolation on our part. but all of it exists in this murky realm of plausible deniability. it could be romantic but it could also conveniently just be a very strong platonic bond if the show chooses to keep it that way. it’s Schrodinger's love story.

because, as we’ve all discussed before, the show very pointedly doesn’t define their relationship. except for the "you’re badass under pressure, brother” and the “you said it, brother” comments in s2 and buck calling eddie his best friend in 3x03, it’s never said out loud what they are to each other - particularly in these later seasons when their bond has only gotten stronger. and i think that’s absolutely deliberate. 

so if i were to describe my own views on everything right now i would say i’m cautiously optimistic. 

i believe there are writers and directors on the show who would make buddie canon in a heartbeat if given the green light, i believe the actors would be all for it and i believe the door has been left open for it to happen but i’m also not 100% convinced it will yet 

(especially because this is uncharted territory, like when has a network show Ever let two of their male leads fall in love and be together based on what was originally a fan theory????).

because as much as there are these underlying metaphors about hearts and the universe that we’re picking up on (and again, i believe they’re on purpose), i wouldn’t think the general audience is picking up on that. likewise, even though the fandom believes something like the eddieana breakup is queer coded (and i agree!!!) idk to what extent the general audience would make that leap??? like you said, as far as canon is concerned right now nothing has been confirmed to say either of them are attracted to men. my mom watches this show and i Know if buck and eddie suddenly got together in the morning she would be extremely confused. 

at this point what it would take to convince me is very simple. all i need is one close up shot on one of their faces while they look at the other person with the right music in the background and the right look on their face and i’m sold. that’s it. that’s all they’d have to do. they’ve already laid the groundwork. just give me one five second scene that would allude to something more as far as their feelings for each other are concerned

because right now, if i take off my shipper goggles and try to be objective my list of buddie scenes that made me sit up and go ‘wait this could be something more’ only consists of:

the kitchen scene in 3x09 (more so for the conversation before the flirting actually lmao)

buck’s reaction to the well collapse in 3x15

carla commenting on eddie’s relationship with ana in 4x13 (simply because the fandom had been predicting it for WEEKS before it happened)

how the shooting scene was filmed

the will reveal (more so for the “because evan. you act like you’re expendable but you’re wrong” part and eddie keeping the whole a secret for reasons unknown)

their dynamic in 5x14

buck’s description of love in 5x18 (actually probably the most explicit reference to buddie i feel they’ve done, especially when combined with ravi’s “a partner should have your back” comment)

the dinner scene in 6x01

those are the scenes i can’t explain. those are the scenes that feel romantically coded for me. those are the scenes that make me think there’s a chance at something. and like i mentioned earlier, i do believe something has shifted since the end of s4. so whether that means the writers have fully committed to bringing their relationship to fruition remains to be seen but they’ve definitely upped the ante.

i guess ultimately, to answer your question, i don’t think there’s anything wrong with reserving judgement right now or not being 100% convinced. i know sometimes there can be assumptions about why people feel like that but i think that can sort of feel a bit dismissive??? like, i don’t think the show is homophobic, i don’t think the show is queerbaiting, i’m absolutely nOT an ex-destiel shipper who believes this is a supernatural do-over (i have blessedly never seen a single ep of that show). i’m just waiting for a very clear and explicit indication that buck and/or eddie like each other and intend to do something about it.

i think what it comes down to is if that negatively impacts your view of the show?? like will i be disappointed if buddie doesn’t happen? of course. but will it ruin the show for me? absolutely not. i love speculating, i love reading theories, i love feeling unhinged about all the metaphors surrounding their relationship, i love every teeny tiny morsel of a scene we get between them and 100% believe they are the kind of person each other deserve at this point. but also that’s enough for me??? hell, it’s more than some canon ships have given me before lmao. and i feel like even if they don’t end up together, i still trust the writers to give them an ending that’s satisfying or, at the very least, is open to interpretation, y’know????

so yeah, i don’t know if any of this is helpful, anon, but i think if you’re still able to enjoy the ride and take their scenes for what they are then you don’t need to worry about what’s coming down the line 💛

[waters-and-the-wilde]

okay so i get it with the whole ‘king of the trashed mind palace’ thing but the thing I find actually compelling about Nureyev is that (like with his other skills) he’s Actually Pretty Emotionally Mature or at least manages to comport himself accordingly, but thinking of himself in that way feeds into his overdeveloped sense of self-discipline, and his self-assurance in areas where he doesn’t realize he has blind spots (which makes the upside down map incident hella illustrative) in this essay i will

anyway the biggest thing I see with Nureyev is 'survival mechanisms that backfire or work out brilliantly depending on the situation’. In S1 it shows up more in his Manic Pixie tendencies like the sandwich and remote in his pockets, also his adhd coding that makes him incredibly competent but also involves all-nighters and reading plans upside down under pressure.

when those things are his strengths that’s a big part of why he complements Juno so nicely! Juno's intelligence is geared toward gathering clues and then assembling narratives, getting good insight checks and putting together a bigger picture that Nureyev has trained himself out of being able to see. they're both very good at reading people but Nureyev's strength is being quick on his feet and handling people and situations in the moment while Juno is good at mapping people’s inner landscapes and motivations

- like. S1 Nureyev behaves like he understands pretty well about boundaries and communication to navigate relationships - not perfectly, obviously, plus he also picks his moments to flagrantly trespass out of necessity or just for shits and giggles - YOU BOUGHT ME CLOTHES?? - but he’s aware and it felt pretty well highlighted in comparison to Juno On His Nonsense. he’s incredibly patient and still able to push back when it’s called for. the way he lives fundamentally does not allow him to build real long-term closeness but he has the principles and can deploy them in a sincere context.

- survival mechanisms that backfire is kind of how I read the whole Future Consideration thing, like how you get a certain amount of pileup when you put a pin in your feelings about situations in order to handle said situations and it can take a while to catch on to it (Buddy says it’s my turn to project onto fictional man)

- couple that with his whole ‘always running never looking back’ thing and it’s like. he’s literally always dealing with a situation. yeah that’s probably a lot of pileup. yeah it’s probably overshot into repression. but to me it looks more like, consciously he doesn’t have a problem with the idea of having feelings and those feelings being valid, he just never actually gets a chance to deal with them (and he wants to but he can’t because nowhere in the universe is safe fuck me right up)

- I mean the reason I love Man in Glass so much is that. He wants to be like 'I can be a grown-up and work with my ex and not hand over my heart on a platter this time' which is an understandable boundary under the circumstances! but trying to rationally overpower strong feelings like a.) still being in love with Juno and b.) deeply hurt by Juno’s self-destructive tendencies and inability to communicate is a tall order! so it turns into ‘I have to hold onto the hurt and the distance and the conviction that he’s the same as before, otherwise i’m hosed’

- boom Nureyev’s overcompensating for ‘uh oh juno keeps looking at me like that while looking like that’ by being petty and supercilious bc he's on the defensive this time in the way Juno always used to be. and he's right to be scared about it! on a Watsonian level Nureyev is being put into exactly the situation he Does Not Want that on a Doylist level he Absolutely Needs! he already fell for Juno at his worst, what kind of chance does he stand against a Juno who actually wants to be around him?

- like that’s the crux of FRP for me is that so much of the story hinges on the fact that Juno couldn’t leave yet, and also couldn’t communicate that. if everything was the same but Juno took the out when it was offered, Nureyev would have understood. but Juno’s inability to say ‘look I’m sorry I can’t do this’ is also a symptom of everything he still needed to work through the hard way. And it means Man in Glass Nureyev has no reason not to believe that Juno is still eight self-destructive impulses in a trenchcoat and that it’s a bad idea to walk back into caring for him again.

- also their working together only does half the trick and Nureyev still needs Buddy to completely obliterate the rest of his defenses so that he can sit still long enough to hear Juno out, and for Juno to show up both with the apology that forms the precedent for changed behavior

- anyway Man In Glass is a self-contained arc in its own right and a snapshot into that tipping point, it shows that Nureyev’s sense of discipline and ability to compartmentalize creates its own sort of mess without him realizing it, it makes him and all of us aware of the fact that there’s more going on under the surface. but it’s not indicative of how he is all the time, or rather I think S3 is an interesting mix of his ability to integrate that growth while also struggling with all the stuff that’s lurking under the surface and rearing up every now and again.

my theory is that he’s only going to be able to overcome whatever the hell is going on with his debts because of his time on the Carte Blanche equipping him in the background, having a year of enforced staying in one place to be messy and get to know people and talk about his feelings, in a way that wouldn’t have happened if he’d tried to keep Juno at a distance. And no he clearly couldn’t overhaul everything, but based on the journal bit he was getting real close to that before Dark Matters showed up

the bit where he cleaned out and ran checks out with what Jet said about his overconfidence in his skills -- Nureyev’s self-image is of someone who knows himself and is capable of dealing with things and making the right decisions, so he’s probably thinking he’s doing what he’s gotta but he still doesn’t have a Run Program ask_for_help.exe.

so yeah if i’ve got S4 thoughts: it’s def going to involve the fact that he’s going to get his ass kicked by all the things he's been running from that are catching up with him (the debts, the first love, probably the end of his anonymity). but I see them going for a 'huh I have to stop running from my problems and learn to rely on other people' kind of epiphany and using that to bring him and Juno closer again, esp. in direct contrast to Sasha as Juno’s narrative foil/someone who started out the same and went the opposite direction.

S2-3 you had Juno putting the work in to catch up to meet Nureyev halfway emotionally (and maybe also show that Nureyev isn’t quite as far ahead as he might have looked) and I fucking love the fact that coming onboard the Carte Blanche represents that image, like Juno taking the big leap off of Mars and Nureyev submitting to the mortifying ordeal of staying still for a bit and they’re both in the same place! and then the fact that they had to put work in together and get to know each other in a context of casual intimacy and not just shared trauma in a Martian tomb. and now Nureyev has to unpack some of the stuff that got buried a little too deep so when Juno finds him again they’re going to have to figure out who Nureyev is now and how they’re gonna keep growing together

thank you for coming to my TED talk

[kokobopam]

I love making lists and I love reccing fics so I combined my two passions and made this list with all my favorite fics that I read during 2022! First part is tvxq, super junior, shinee and nct; and the seconds part is exclusively exo because they’re my main group. 

I hope you can find something here that you like. And if you do, make sure you let the author know with some kudos and comments <3

(And come talk to me about it! I love talking about fics!)

PART 2

PART 1:

TVXQ

It’s Alright (Even if You Hate me Again) by zimriya (homin, E, Inception AU)

The inception fic!! If you follow me on twt you know I haven’t shut up about this story since I read it in june. It’s my favorite tvxq fic and top 3 favorite fic ever. 

As usual, zimriya’s world building is on another level; this fic combines the best of the inception universe with tvxq’s own history in a way that’s absolutely brilliant and it’ll have you guessing what’s going on with yunho and changmin for most part of the story. 

Also, Yunho and Changmin… 10/10 characterization (as well as all the other characters!) Seriously, so good

and in the name of love. by peachxi (marsxholic) (homin, M, angels and demons)

So much blood and violence and angst, and the question “what if love made you worse”? I love an au where the characters are willing to bring the world apart for each other.

memento mori by troubled (homin, M)

A dark tvxq fic. I love the hazy, nightmarish feel of it and that you can really tell what’s actually real and what isn’t. Also, religious imagery!!

so tear me open, but beware by jumpstarts (homin, M)

This is basically a drabble collection and it’s what introduced me to the tvxq ficdom (and inspired me to give it a try). Many excellent stories to fall in love (and even get your heart broken) with homin.

Super Junior

lucky draw by backwardsghost (eunhae, E, Gloomy VCR inspired)

I love this fic because it’s so fucked up and dark and you don’t see that a lot in the eunhae tag. Really the best interpretation of the gloomy vcr you could ever find

be my only one by smth_or_another (kyuhyuk, E, canon compliant, roomates)

One thing I discovered this year is that I love canon compliant fics and there’s so much that can be said about two +30 y/o men living in a dorm together through a pandemic. I love kyuhyuck and this fic made me love them even more.

Break my heart and start again by rmbringsoo (eunhae, E, sports AU)

A hockey player/figure skater eunhae fic. It does such a great job at characterization and at portraying the difficulties of navigating a relationship amidst a successful career. A really beautiful story.

Shinee

Let's crack the code for nights by spacewitchbot  (minkey, M, idolverse)

What would happen if you could install Minho’s personality on your phone? Wonderful fic, it made me laugh so much and minkey were super cute in it.

Apsis by Tempcard (minkey, T, sci-fi, space religion)

I’m seriously in love with the worldbuilding in this fic. It’s very different to what I’m used to reading in a sci-fi story and the approach to the characters, their drive and devotion was really heart-warming 

something i can't forget by makeawish (misconceptionsof) (minkey, E, pwp)

I don’t read a lot of smut but this fic was so HOT and so on point. It sent my into a minkey spiral and I still haven't recovered from it.

NCT

The Girasol by MailOrderBride (hyuckle, E, pirates, horror)

“You see, bard… the sea has a starving belly. It's never sated, and it rumbles down below. Deep.” Such a well written and chilling fic. I hope I never find myself on a ship in the open sea, thank you. 

Softer Than Shadow, Quicker Than Flies by FascinationStreet (Taeyong, E, dreams and nightmares)

A Taeyong-centric fic inspired by his song ghost. It’s dark and creepy and sexy…just everything I love. Lot’s of spider imagery, how nice!

Ophiuchus by boulevarddouble (yuwoo, E, bartenders and criminals)

Yuta is a grifter. He's also a regular at the bar where Jungwoo works. Sexy fic about sexy criminals, that's all you should know.