#theyre going through unimaginable pain

[nightroo]

I wanted to make something for the global strike for Palestine.

It may take months, years, decades, but Israel will fall. Never lose hope.

[remi-harbinger]

Breaking news: Bingyuan is more toxic than u believe?? (not clickbait) (reaL)

ok so ive been thinking long and hard about their relationship and it doesnt make sense to me its so toxic and idk why theyd be the main pair of svsss that has so much potential for healthy loving ships (re: liuyuan)

Firstly: their relationship as a whole Binghe is notoriously sticky, and because we are sort of reading the novel through shen yuans eyes its an endearing trait. But if you think about it isnt it suffocating? It also shows an innate lack of trust in SY to do his own stuff and come back afterwards because of Binghe’s trust issues (ofc id have trust issues too if someone pushed me off a cliff but still). Binghe needs to work this out because the smothering is so toxic…

Next: love bombing and semi stockholm syndrome? this relationship is so funny to me because its like stockholm but weirder. SY literally lived in fear that LBH would murder him in the future and this causes him to cling to any affection LBH is giving because he’s taking it as reassurance to himself that he’ll live to see another day. Also im going to be honest the way SY treated LBH is sort of love bombing. He acts like a stern shizun at the start of the novel to not be OOC, then suddenly starts treating LBH as the sole star shining in the dark, then throws him off a cliff… It really gives a guy whiplash yk? Especially when you consider that aside from the washer woman, LBH has never been treated with love in his whole life up till this point. Hes been bullied so badly and even his own shizun hates him. He’s a literal child at this point in time, he’ll crave any love given and it is easy to see how this thirst for love could spiral into the more obsessive tendencies.

Now: Binghe and Bingmei I think that as Demons, you could sort of boil both OG!Binghe and Binghe (Bingmei)‘s treatment of SQQ into the base 7 deadly sins. Binghe would be Ira (Wrath/Hatred) and Bingmei would be Greed (Obsession). Their growing years as children under their respective shizuns has shaped their views and their feelings towards said shizuns have been carved deeply into their hearts. You can see how strong these emotions are in both Binghe’s elaborate and drawn out torture of OG!SQQ and Bingmei’s stickiness and overall yandere tendencies towards SY. Judging from the scale of LBH’s hatred towards OG!SQQ and drawing a parallel, current Bingmei’s obsession and greed for SY’s love is off the charts.

So what would happen if SY didnt reciprocate these feelings? If he did something that made Bingmei irrevocably angry? Emotions are wildly changing and never constant, and thus Bingmei’s affections is and will always be a damocles sword above SY’s head. SY may think he loves Bingmei, but he clearly doesn’t trust the constancy of the reciprocated feelings, and he definitely thinks about LBH getting blackened.

LBH and SY’s befuddling relationship dynamics: Now, they started off as master-disciple. This may seem not as important, but in Chinese there’s this saying “teacher for a day, father for a lifetime”. Do you understand what this means now that theyre in a relationship? Its a really weird power dynamic. Not to mention the whole “Demon lord/Person who swallowed said Demon Lord’s blood”. As I mentioned previously, because we are seeing SVSSS out of SY’s perspective, the importance of this is sort of glossed over with a “but its Binghe! Binghe’d never hurt me…”. LBH is able to control the blood to harm on scales unimaginable. He can kill, torture, cause you to be in excruciating pain, etc. LBH forcing his demon blood in SY is equivalent to LBH ripping out SY’s beating heart and holding it in his palm. He can literally crush the heart at any given moment and end SY’s life. Much motivation to convince yourself that you are in love with the one holding your life in his hands, right?

Wrapping this up because idt people will actually even read this: SY and LBH’s relationship may look like love up close, but its really toxic and they clearly lack the trust needed in a relationship. If there isn’t mutual respect and trust, can you even call their relationship love? I personally am of the opinion that it isnt love, especially considering the obsessive tendencies of LBH.

Ofc I have more to say and I hope you guys will discuss with me, but its late now so im keeping this quite short. If you’ve read the entire post marry me and pls still read SVSSS its a gem :)

[qprsmackdown]

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli (Lord of the Rings) vs Gil Galad, Elrond, and Celebrian (Silmarillion)

I am going to cry. -🦊

Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli propaganda: i likea them a lot :) • three dudes going on a road trip i hope nothing bond making happens • they can all braid each others hair • i don't know what the actual shipname is but gigolaron sounds funny youve opened my eyes youre so so so right. theyre just sooooooo. THEY ARE SO QPR FOR REALSIES. legolas and gimli devoted their whole lives to one another and legolas took gimli to essentially elf heaven with him. legolas and aragorn were amazing friends and i think they kissed. the three hunters are so qpr coded to me. they care so much for one another. i have not watched lotr in too long i should rewatch it again but Trust Me Bro theyre SO in love for realsies i got told to vote this by one of the mods. also aragorngimlilegolas resembles my qpr thank you tolkien for making these bitches sooo qpr roadtrip material

Gil Galad, Elrond, and Celebrian propagada: theyre soooo. the high king and his herald, facing unimaginable enemies that have killed all of their families. theyre both so trans also. they can only try to support each other even though the work keeps piling on and people keep dying and all they can do is try to live for each other. elrond has pledged his life to gilgalad and he will always be loyal. gilgalad would die for elrond but he has too many responsibilities and it breaks his heart that he cant say it back. when he does die it is for the world and for love and for elrond. to make a safe world for everyone. when they reunite in valinor they will have changed and learned so much but will still be there for each other, even though they are no longer king and herald.a king and a herald and their best friend. one has pledged their life to the people, the other to him, and the last is just trying to support them. in the midst of so much fear and destruction and uncertainty they stick together and support each other. gil galad dies before them and his loss will stay with them forever. celebrian has to sail to valinor and she must leave behind one for the other. but when elrond sails they will finally all be reunited. gil galad will never meet arwen but she grew up hearing stories about her second father, and strives to be as fair and just a ruler as he. elrohir and elladan are grown by the time they sail but they have until the end of days to make up for lost time. they get a happy ending, even through so much pain and strife. gil galad and celebrian know about elros and his decision to become mortal and how elrond knows it was the right choice for him but has a broken heart anyways. they knew but they didn't realize it would happen to them too. but they love each other and their children and they just want whats best for them. and they take solace in each other, they who still remain even through death. and they hope that when the dagor dagorath comes they can finally see all of their loved ones return from the great adventure of man and fight alongside each other, for even the destruction and renewal of arda cannot mar the happiness at being all together once more.

[a-muzzled-hound]

"Waking up disoreinated"

WHUMPTOBER! DAY 4

Trigger warning!!:No comfort, isolation, disorientation, serve injuries, pet related whump, kid/pre teen whump, trauma, panic attack

Ashtyn would finally wake up after about 6 hours of precious sleep- and right after an lengthy torture session of him and what can be said, his fighting ‘trainers’ although, theyre much more like dog trainers, treating him as such. Blood seeping through his filmsy clothes, waking up to his still untreated injuries, with the only thing given to him was an shit load of drugs to drug him up for the unimaginable slow progress of pain they had put him through for about 3 hours.

His head grew heavy as he’d look down at his injuries, an jammed up ankle that had gotten stompped by an boot that can be easily assumed to have spikes right on the heel from the sharp holes imprinted on his ankle

Some stabbings into ashtyns quads, nothing too special just, an knife that slowly got digged in further and further from earlier, with the stabbings digging into his skin, tissue, some veins infact, muscle, with the men not stopping til the whole blade got launched in to take out once ashtyn would give an loud reaction to shock him. With each one going down his right arm, and side of his left leg, both in an pretty straight line, losing quite abit of blood, leaving him pale and fever looking.

Of course he’d begin to panic, it felt like he was getting choked by an bare wire from behind, more and more he looked, with the injuries weighing on him, the pain would weigh on him rather quickly as tears began to race down his cheeks, dripping onto the cold flooring gritting his teeth as an attempt to hold back the dying to get out wailing, as he’d look at the tightly closed off bars then his #1 companion for.. how ever long hes had him, years, his stuffed teddybear, then back at the covered injuries, most of it getting covered by his filmsy dirty, stained clothing, as he’d of course wailing loudly unable to hold it back anymore with more and more tears flushing out of his eyes looking around for something to properly aid himself, nothing!

  It hurted to cry, so, so much, but he couldn’t stop, the pain was so much, so overwhelming, he just couldn’t stop, not to mention this is a literal, almost 13 year old, he’d fall to his side, looking down at the injuries in an emotional way like his world just got crushed, although, his ‘world’ or any perspective of it, shattered a LONG, time ago. Any faith he had had been shattered an right infront of him too. And now, this is just proof of how utterly destroyed it is. 

He wanted.. He didn't know what he wanted. Just for this pain to go away, for fucks sake!! He'd cry even louder the more the pain burnt, stung, pierced his mind like an knife getting continuously dragged on the sides of his brain and heart all at once "STOP! STO-AT-STAOP!" He'd just look at the direction of his beloved teddy bear, dragging himself to it with one big drag with only his right arm, holding the teddy bear to his chest trying to take breathes more slower but it was no use, he was basically suffocating the teddybear

His tears did not flee either or stop, as he now had an running nose with snot dripping down his lips, and soon enough down his chin as more screams for help emerged from him. 

"ME-SIHARGH!" Coughing from all of the- well- everything came from his lungs looking up at the staircase in hopes someone would come down "PLEASAG! HE.. HULP! HELP!?" hollering on top of his lungs, now!? Will anyone come now?! The sobbing just continued clutching his teddy bear, falling to his injured side. 

Left there. His face was red, snot covered, tear filled, with a heavily bruised eye and cheekbone. This wasn't right! In any regard.. The fact he was this injured, hurt, young, and worst of all, he had no one else, no one really, nobody could help him out, nor care to help him out.. And all of this, just because his parents didn’t want him anymore, considering he wasn’t good at a single tiny cotton picking thing they asked him to do, failed every single time

Which broke his mental state even more as he'd lay there, squeezing his teddy bear, which already was drenched in dried blood, dead ants and such, filthy.. That teddy bear really did have an awful odor to it, but ashtyn didnt have anything else, anyone else.. Its been all hes had for god knows how long.. He'd just stay there, twisting and turning in the corner wailing with his wailing nearly echoing from how empty and silent the household would be.

—-

[starsambrosia]

Tw mentions of sa/abuse/trauma

I was talking with Uncle Zeus tonight...5am

I asked if he wanted me to write something or go to bed, he wants me to write before bed.

Ooh boy, yknow im partially scared about being open here since ive gone so long being sorta super abused for opening my mouth about this, but i lost a lot to get here yknow.

Im not some dumbass pretending or role-playing, i lost family, friends, a girl i thought i loved more than anything, my religon crumbled before my eyes, ive been abused, assulted, forced into some nasty shit. All because i opened my mouth about this.

You dont belive me? Check divination, ask Zeus yourself, i dont care anymore because what else can be done to me. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And i know why he wants me to speak, i was so afraid so anxious to join pagan group or talk on here so scared to be flamed or outcast.

What can you do to me that the ones i loved most havent already done. Nothing. Whats some online dramma if it means i can finally open my mouth and express the things ive seen and felt.

It's been 6 years now since Apollo appeared to me, when i was a devout christian in training to be a prophet of "god"

Do you know how long i ran frome this??? Do you have any idea how long i fought them how many other pantheons i ran to and was booted out of, how many times Loki downright pushed me back to the greek pantheon, essentially saying "yeah this isnt my kid"

So much doubt and fear so much pain.

For the people who fake it, why? Why. This is hell this hurts this aches this has brought me unimaginable pain. I wanted so bad to just be normal to just be literally a normal ass dude.

I have lived in constant torture for so long. Day and night nothing but violation and suffering. I am a shell of what i was. And i have to heal so, so much, and i will never be the same. And even with all of that, im happier now...than i ever was christian.

I actually feel loved by them, supported, cared for. I feel bad i fought them for so long about this, i feel guilty that for so many years i shut them off saying it was hubris while they constantly patiently guided me over and over and over proving again and again that it was true and i couldnt run forever.

Its ok

Im scared, but thats ok

I'll be ok. People are entitled to their belifes and i know mine is controversial i know i might not be taken as seriously even though i dedicated so much time so so much time meditating, learning divination, channleing, banishments, hellenism as a whole as well as greek mythos and even teaching, reiki healing, greek cultural studies and history i put forth so much time and effort and study because i doubt I'm who they say i am and i fear so much that i am lying that one day Zeus will smite me for my audacity.

But, they havent.

Instead I'm embraced, met with love, care, encouragement, they get exasperated when i try to fall back to being a follower, they chastize me for it, i cant worship i cant do shit that followers can i am outcast from pagan groups because im looked at as a fraud or a scammer or an idiot when ive dedicated so much time to studying and learning just desprately trying to understand why im like this.

And yknow what

Thats fine

Everyone has their path, everyone has a right to belive, and I've met other demigods, ive seen them and ive done divination and theyr legit.

And anyways this is my blog i should be able to say whatever i want

If i can say stupid bullshit 24/7 why cant i actually express what i genuinely belive and hold very close to myself.

I pledged myself, mind, body, and soul to Lord Zeus, King of the gods.

If he sees fault in my actions he has and will punish me. I am more and more confident every day in who exactly i am.

And ive been through too much bullshit to stay silent any longer.

Thats my ted talk

[goremet-chef]

im too big of a coward to play normal on my own i cannottttt do it my role is vital and i cant play it alone!!! my role is resident paranoid and by god i play it well 😁😁 my friend is very. LOUD, they only use the fuckin chainsaw to cut down trees. EFFECTIVE YES, BUT LOUD!!!!! so i need to stand back and watch very very closely to see if anything comes for us. IM SCARED TO BE SNUCK UP ON AGAIN so now im just. my paranoia has tripled in that game and hey! i havent gotten snuck up on since! so id say its technically a win (ramble)

thats something thats different with sons of the forest, yesterday i was alone for like. an decent amount of time when we played and i didnt feel hardly scared at all. GRANTED, it wasnt mutant spawning time yet but even in the forest im scared day 1 to day 100 baby. no, it was relaxing even. SOTF is just. rgRGgrrg

because the forest is an older game its less? i mean sons of the forest is just better like better graphics, better ai, etc etc etc which is great, its a more fulfilling experience in a sense? the game is fucking gorgeous!! the cannibal ai is really interesting, the animals are better ETC like idk to me its just more tranquil and im relaxed more often then not

WITH THE FOREST THOUGH? existential dread all the way through. the beginning week is fairly easy, we usually have some kind of base by then ofc, but after that week passes? im not the man i used to be 💀 i get quieter because i need to listen for mutants, im CONSTANTLY looking around. ive learned that if i see one, i need to be super clear about it (unlike my bestie who literally just saw girl mutant behind me and booked it 😁) im a lot quieter about being startled in that game until something starts chasing me MAINLY so i dont accidentally scare my bestie cuz like.

the forest entire ATMOSPHERE is a little desolate, like i love this game, but god i feel. ITS LIKE YR JUST WAITING TILL SOMETHING GETS YOU IT FEELS REALLY AWFUL SKFJSF for me it honestly has similar vibes to squirrel stapler???? not good KSFJS

anyways no it kills me the amount of chest pain and shaky hands the forest has given me, youd think i just faced god bro

nope! good ol johnny boy and armsy pretty much exclusively? IDK WHY THAT IS.. virginia isnt very loud so i have a hard time hearing her but i tend to see her way before she gets close, and shes not super hard to fight for me? lure her to the water and have her charge into it 🙄 easy peasy. cowman a little harder, they are sporadic and they turn on a dime which is not good! theyre huge. but the charge into the water thing can work on them too. me and my friend need to kill one of those actually, we have all the other mutant heads on our wall except that one 😔

armsy cant really be lured like that? everything about armsy is just. my nightmare. huge, loud, fast. not cool!! we can kill them fairly easily but even still like. IM STILL SCARED EVEN IF I KNOW THERES BIGGER THREATS its so personal between us bro

also i heard if you use the???? rage thing the ANGER BALL you can attract like. a group of SIX MUTANTS, fuck all that noise. i want the peace ball actually thatd be so dope

overall its just. horrible to be honest, and specifically like I CANT HANDLE LIVING ANYWHERE ELSE THAN WHERE WE ALWAYS LIVE (which is where markiplier made his base in the more recent forest playthru 💀) cuz its fairly open?? AND EVEN WHEN ITS OPEN IM STILL SCARED

imagine the fear when we have to go deeper into the forest for any reason 😀

unimaginable, downright painful i know this game has taken years off my life at this point. ITS JSUT SO AWFUL MANN because now that the trees are thicker, you've taken one of my vital senses away which is sight! i am now afraid and have to rely on my ears alone! (cicerocore tbh)

its. SICKENNING I HATE IT SO MUCH RGRGAGR even though i know im strong and i fuck up those cannibals like no tomorrow, even the mutants we dont struggle that much with (besides maybe the blue variants) its still SCARYYY no i hate it. my friend always makes me go with her like okay time to loot cloth from the village cmon bestie lets go :]]

. okay. like I WANNA BE THERE WITH HER BUT no i do not, i just. theyre CARELESS my MC instincts kick in cuz theyre careless in minecraft to and im like. constantly jumping forward in dark caves to kill whatever is in front of us so it wont kill her and leave me alone KSJFS so its like that but worse! i need to listen for both our sakes its exhausting 💀💀 and most of the time there is some kind of mutant in the forest, like only ONCE WE WENT and there was no mutant at the village

ironically despite that run through being flawless, no cannibals no mutants, i was still completely petrified like there was, it was so. NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS IN THE FOREST its just waiting for when something inevitably jumps out at you. but nothing did and ive never felt more uncomfortable in my lifee it was horrible. that one time was directly after we were dealing with girl mutant too, awful vibes the forest like

THATS THE EASIEST WAY TO SUM IT UP, the forest gives absolutely RANCID vibes truly terrible. sons of the forest is pretty and relaxing at times and just nice and the forest?? no its horrific its just terrible awful energy, i love it. this game is gonna kill me but i love it!!

[barryjeanblues]

taako meets death (again)

(also posted to my ao3)

taako has met two raven queens in his life before now.

well, close enough, at least. most - though not all - of the worlds the starblaster had traveled to had gods, and surprisingly enough, those gods were usually - though not always - strikingly similar to their homeworlds gods. (this was useful, because one of the crews number relied very heavily on a certain nature god for his magic. luckily, the nature or life god of each world always seemed to have a soft spot for little old merle, even if they werent merles traditional cloven-hoofed pan.)

twice, taako had met the death god - someone equivalent to faeruns raven queen. 

this had led to taakos understandable trepidation upon kravitz finally putting his foot down and insisting taako meet his mother boss. 

the first time taako had met a raven queen, she had been… overwhelming. the light of creation had fallen into a forest dedicated to her and her followers, and the head acolyte refused to give the wandering crew the light unless they first received permission from the queen.

the crew had agreed, with no other option, bracing themselves to firmly explain the direness of the situation. surely a goddess would be intelligent enough to understand. 

that raven queen had burst into a forest cleaning in an explosion of black feathers, half illusion, half steel, so that when lup brushed the smoky feathers from her eyes they blurred and dissipated, but when magnus tried the same thing he yelped and brought his hand back bleeding. 

that raven queens laughter had been eerie and echoing, almost but not quite mocking, almost but not quite infectious, almost but not quite joyous. the crew had stood firm and offered their argument, and the queen had given them tests and tokens and bargains and tricky promises with too many clauses and loopholes and at the end of it all the ipres numbers had been halved and the rest were weary and worn as they caught the light of creation and fled with only minutes to spare, the faelike laughter of death following them terribly even through the overwhelming cacophony of the hungers assault. 

that laughter had trailed after them longer, if only in their heads. taako would be making stir fry, planning outfits, swapping merles shampoo for hair-loss potions, when hed have to sit down suddenly and breathe through the musical trills of the raven queens cruel pleasure. it had seemed to bounce in his head the way a rubber ball might, ricocheting off thoughts and feelings until it rolled under a couch to be forgotten about, till some slight movement sent it rolling and bouncing about once more. 

davenport had died in an illusion, thinking he was saving his crew. poor merle had been choked by his own plants, betrayal writ across hos face. barrys skin had grown sickly purple with poison - ten to one odds arent very good odds. taako doesnt forget easily. he decides the goddess of death can go fuck herself. 

the second raven queen taako had met much later in their journey, and taako had met her alone. 

lup and barry had become liches a few cycles back. it was something taako had still been coming to terms with. 

taako loves lup. this is an immutable fact of any and every universe. taako loves lup and lup loves taako and not death or memory or space can separate them, not for long. but seeing your sister die, and then… go beyond death, to twist herself and latch on to a chance that she may never return except in madness and spite - thats a hard thing to grasp, even when she succeeds. taako had still found himself shivering when his sister forgot she had a body again and grabbed a hot pan off the stove, crying out in pain. taako still woke sweating from nightmares in which his sister and his friend flew apart and reformed as cackling red robed horrors of insanity and cruelty, too far for him to reach. 

until that cycle, though, barry and lups choice had only been an asset. 

but some raven queens do not take kindly to anything they see as a perversion of their domain. 

barely a week into that cycle, taako had awoken from the guilty non-elven pleasure of a nap only to find himself in some cold, hard court, fashioned seemingly of steel and silver and concrete, onyx lining the floor and the only color coming from sparse sapphires sparkled throughout the long echoing hall. 

at the end of it - and taako had known his eyes must have played tricks on him, because at first the being at the end of the hall seemed, while large, not much larger than a giant, but when hed called a nervous greeting his voice had echoed so awfully he knew the hall stretched much farther than hed thought and the goddess at the end of it must have been unimaginably huge. 

her eyes had glinted a flinty sapphire in her carven steel face when she ordered him to defend the existence of his sister and his sisters lover. 

taako had tried. he truly, truly had. but while taako is a being of preservation and caution, full of intelligence and cleverness, he is not one of cold hard logic. perhaps lucretia could have convinced this raven queen, the only of their number who had ever been able to grasp true hard reason… but taako doubts it. he had doubted it then and he doubts it even more these days. 

the point is, taako, for all his love for his family and his brilliant wit and devotion (probably, in fact, because of it) taakos arguments couldnt convince that raven queen. she saw past his genuine belief that lup and barry had made a good decision, and into his fears for her, and the goddess of death had based her own argument on those. she won. taako never had a chance. 

he, lup, and barry had woken up in the next cycle, newly resurrected. taako never stops feeling guilty about it. 

so. yes. 

taako is more than a little nervous about meeting the goddess his boyfriend serves so devotedly. but, and youd be hard pressed to convince him to admit it, taako would do anything for kravitz. and despite it all he does actually want to see what the deal is with his sister and his best friends boss, and his patron gods… friend? lover? girlfriend? taako isnt quite sure what fate and death are to each other, but its definitely something.

kravitz lays a warm hand on taakos shoulder, but taako squares them up. he can do this, for fucks sake - hes died a shitton of times, he can meet death. 

the doors open and taakos breath - the only breath in this realm of the dead - catches in his throat.

taako is a die hard istus fan, and shell always be his goddess. but if taako wasnt a taken elf, hed follow the raven queen, he realizes with a startle.

shes beautiful, yes. shes gorgeous, and taakos always been weak for beauty, but hers isnt the cold hard beauty of gemstones and gold, thinks his nimble fingers snatch up and hoard in his endless pockets. the raven queen is beautiful in a way that taako cant describe as anything other than simple.

he cant pin down any features. she has a kind face, gentle hands, bright eyes, but taako can tell she is a goddess because despite staying still the image of her flicks and shifts in his head. at once she seems to have every kind face hes ever seen, even if he doesnt recognize anyone. her hands reach out to comfort him - no more than comfort - but she stands without moving in front of taako and kravitz. her eyes glitter and sparkle and crinkle up with cheerful laughter, except taako isnt entirely sure she has eyes at all, or maybe she has too many. 

he thinks… he thinks maybe she has wings, or maybe theyre arms, or maybe theyre black fabric, draped around and behind and below and above her, shifting with the last breaths of every mortal in the universe. its darkness but its not scary, taako realizes, its solacing, healing, the way that he feels when dusk passes to night and the sky is huge and warm and the brush of lups hand against his as she says goodbye for the night is a relief and a love. 

hello, taako, death says. its lovely to meet you. 

she means it, taako knows. he can tell, somehow. shes just happy to meet him. nothing more, nothing less. 

'oh,' taako says aloud, and kravitz laughs his quiet sweet dorky laugh, and the raven queen laughs too, and its just that. its just a laugh, and its a nice one.

'oh indeed,' kravitz says. 'taako, did you really think id serve a monster or a cruel master?'

'well,' taako replies hesitantly, 'honestly, homie, i kind of thought you were, and id, like, have to start some quest to slay death itself and rescue you.'

the anthropomorphic personification of death laughs again, a note of delight in her tender voice. i like him, my kravitz, she says, good job.

kravitz does the dead-reaper equivalent of blushing. taako grins a little because its very cute. 

'death is different here,' taako hums. 'its… it wasnt like this anywhere else i went. it was cold, or cruel, or empty. i dunno why its different in your world.'

'then i guess we're the lucky ones, huh?' kravitz asks. taako leans up against him and murmurs an agreement. 'its why i love my job so much, why it means so much to me. its not that im some hardass, i just…'

'yea, cha'boy gets it now,' assures taako. 'still.' he looks at the ever-shifting, ever-stable face of death again. 'you better treat my boy kravitz and my lady istus well, capiche? or we will have issues.'

its a deal, taako, the raven queen says, smiling. 

when taako opens his eyes, hes in his home in the material plane, and kravitz is next to him, and theyre both smiling. 

[donitkitt]

Also because im an angsty loving horrible person I thought of what I thought the ‘Portal Jacked’ episode could be like (i daydreamed about it while listening to music) but I’ll put it under a readmore

 cuz in the portal jacked desc its 'leo has to go to the Hidden City to save his brothers 'And its like all of his brothers get captured by baron and theyre all being held in chambers similar to thise that they were created in and theyre trying their hardest to get out, even Raphs super punch cant get tthrough

But Leo shows up and sees all of his brothers trapped and sees baron and angrily yells at him to buck up and fight so Leo can save his brothers and rub it in their faces even though under his sarcasm hes very afraid and very worried for his brothers and genuinely angry that baron keeps messing with them

 And so they fight and Leo had gotten better and was actually holding his own but then Baron gains the upper hand, Leo loses his weapon as its smacked out of his grip, and his eyes go WIDE with fear as he feels baron plung his peircing claws through his plastron  He tries to get away but hes literally impaled on barons claws and baron lifts him uo and slams him down causing Leo to choke up blood and cry out He would feebly try to kick baron away with his leg only for Baron to flex the claws deeply imbedded into Leos plastron causing leo to shriek and.cry in agony And this causes Raph Don and Mikey to lose it and try ten times harder to escape, but Raphs power would grow into an unimaginable amount and he would scream and punch himself free while flinging himself at baron and tearing leo free, chucking baron at the control panel that keeps the other two hostage breaking it and setting them free   Don and Mikey immedately run to Leo who is feebly trying to get back up and he would shake his head murmuring "no no no I was suppose s to save you not the other way around " Don would say hes in shock from the pain and blood loss which is true but not entirely the reasoning for his mumbling So raph picks Leo up as gently as he can and they mske their way back home, leaving baron to yell out in ffrustration

[redlance]

I'm 21 and i dont know how to live without my parents. I love them so much and i never want to leave them. But soon they'll be retired and travelling for months on end. Theyre all i have and i feel like i'm gonna be alone forever bc i dont go out or speak much to anyone and i'll never meet someone that way. And one day my parents will leave forever and i don't know how i can survive that. I'm sorry for the pathetic rant i'm just having a crisis rn and you make me feel safe.

Caring about your parents, depending on them on an emotional level, is nothing to feel pathetic over. These are people that, usually, take care of you for the first 18 years of your life. Who love you beyond that. Being afraid of losing them, in whatever sense, is totally normal. Loving them as much as you do is a boon to all of you.

That being said, it’s tough when they’re all you have and - I hate to be blunt - but they shouldn’t be all you have. It’s great when parents can be parents as well as confidants and even friends, but people generally need others outside of that maternal/paternal circle.

Is anxiety the reason you don’t go out much or speak to other people? If that’s the case, there are ways to get better at that kind of thing. To become more comfortable with it. Social anxiety is something I struggled with a lot and though I’m still not great in crowds or when i’m surrounded by people I don’t know, it’s gotten so much better. Do you work? Honestly, I think getting a job was what changed things for me. I was kind of forced into being okay with things, which was awful and terrifying at the time but... you kind of get used to it? Anyway, that’s only if anxiety is the issue.

We also live in a time where leaving the house isn’t necessary to meet people. I’ve met people online who, ten years on, I’m still talking to. Personally, I’m often quite terrible at keeping in touch/replying to messages, but whenever we talk it’s like we haven’t missed a beat. I met my fiancée online! We’ve been together for 16 years and I moved across the ocean to be with her. So don’t rule that out as a way to find friends.

Unfortunately, I can tell you from experience how hard it is to lose a parent. I lost my mum very unexpectedly nearly 18 months ago. I... did not think I was going to survive, to be honest. Though, my reasons likely differ from those you might feel someday. It hurts. Unimaginably so. I won’t lie to you and tell you it doesn’t. I lost my nan almost ten years ago and I still feel that pain. The hurt never goes away. But time makes it so you can heal, in a way, and focus on the good memories. And it hurts a little less as time ticks on.

You need to remind yourself that you aren’t pathetic. That your feelings and your fears are valid, but you also need to remind yourself that you can’t be ruled by them. Especially fear. Because everything you are afraid of is survivable. I promise you that. You can meet people and you can make friends, and you can survive those things that terrify you. Sometimes you just need to find the right tools for the job. And there’s no master key to unlocking any of this. No, it’s a ring of them, comedically packed so tightly that there’s hardly any room to pick the damn thing up. 

You’ve just got to go through them, one by one, and find out which ones work. And there are people out there who can help with that. Even online.

I hope something I’ve said in here resonates with you. Makes a tiny bit of a difference. Makes you feel a little bit safer.

[ooc-but-stylish]

EP Ignis ‘liveblog’

There’s an alternate ending for this, apparently. The video is going to go through both playthroughs, not sure about there being a “bad ending”. I’ll watch that later probably.

according to comments on the video, the king that usurped Ardyn was confirmed to be his brother? I’ll just keep watching and see where this comes up.

Regis: "as his friend, and as his brother" Ig/Noct shippers: *will pointedly ignore the brother comment*

Iggy's fighting style is nice and fluid. I like.

Being able to see and influence which faction controls a part of the town is more like what I was suggesting for the whole game in an alternate scenario I posited. I dunno, maybe I should repost that sometime, since it was a reply to someone else originally.

Did Iggy just pull a Aranea? *Ignea shipping intensifies* ( I don’t know what the official ship name for Ignis and Aranea is, sorry )

Everything does look more epic than the main game.

Archives: Photos and Documents? I feel like they shouldve had this in the main game to get notes and stuff and some backstory. Did they? IDK. 

The way Ignis uses magic on his daggers is exactly how Noctis should have fought, I mean, considering his bloodline has magic by birthright, the fact that he can cast spells should affect how he thinks of things, solves problems, and essentially lives his life-- instead of this unimaginative "ah lemme just make some grenades in a flask".

I love how Ignis is just selling/buying things to NO ONE. He’s such a good guy putting down gil that no one will come back to retrieve. I mean, that’s what I think is happening with this shop mechanic.

the more I watch this, the more I think that if they lasted a year+ longer with this game in development they couldve just given us Versus XIII, with how fluidly Ignis fights and the Altissia scenes.

"We can't go losing our heads," says Gladio, yelling out of nowhere like a jackass to Ignis who is actually doing shit.

did they ever confirm that Caligo killed Jared? I’m surprised they still keep mentioning that guy.

Ravus calling Iggy "Boy" when theyre less than a decade apart. What even is this dialogue, he’s just so patronizing.

The soundstrack is pretty good, real talk.

Yeah... it honestly looks like Luna never ever told Ravus about the fact that she chose to let Regis's hand go. She just weakly protested in KG that "Regis did not kill our mother" or something.

This is ugly. I don’t ship NoctLuna because of the violation of trust and general shittiness needed to know that someone is going to die as part of a role that was thrust on them. Regis and Luna are both fucked up and Square is like “Ah yes I know the solution, let’s add Ignis to the list” fuck off. This means Ignis knew damn well what was in store for Noctis and he a) didn’t tell him, b) let Gladio shittalk Noctis on the train and even further c) still let Noctis go and die for a world that didn’t give an iota of a fuck about him. 

Okay. Ravus got me feeling feels. He had more of a vision for Luna’s future than Luna did. I’m dying over here. Luna continues to be an object and not a person, with 0 speaking lines as a ghostly apparition that people pine for.

WHAT? ARDYN? WHAT A JACKASS! Although I wouldn’t have put it past canon Gladio to attack Ravus out of nowhere, that’s how badly they butchered him throughout this series. 

So Ravus can tell Gladio is Ardyn off of basically nothing, but then couldn’t tell it was him later in Chapter 13 Verse 2? Sounds legit!

Ignis’s “Noooooct!” doesn’t sound as heartwrenching as when he shouts it during Noctis suffering a mere KO out in the field. 

They made Ignis's eyes look larger just to show how pretty they are I swear.

"but if a Glaive can harness its power, then so can I!" HOW THE FUCK WOULD HE KNOW THAT? NO ONE TOLD HIM

Ultra Instinct Ignis *muffled Ultimate Battle theme in the distance*

Prompto helping Ignis and keeping a hand at his back <3

so, Noctis knows he has to keep moving forward, and he does keep moving forward even against Ignis’s wishes, proving he knows what’s at stake, and Gladio apparently still yells at him for what IS effectively "no reason". Good going, writers.

Awww, the smile!

--

[ ‘Alternate’ Scenario ]

Play along? What could go wrong?

Zegnautus Keep? Ignis got kidnapped to chapter 13? We’d have to get every other character’s reaction off of this. I mean is this Chapter 13, or would Ignis have been kidnapped to Gralea before Prompto got pushed off the train?

This Mysterious Voice doesnt sound like Bahamut. It’s like Luna run through random voice modifier three times straight. Or it could be “Eos” or whatever people want to headcanon. So if this is Luna... even post-mortem and crystallized does she never stop talking about Noctis and his role. Hers is not an existence I envy.

Ardyn: *Nightmare Face* Ardyn Fans: *probably wanna bang him even more than they previously did*

Okay so it was Ardyn’s brother that snatched the throne from him, just like people theorized.... a whole goddamn year ago. Watch the other language versions of this playthrough come up with different subtitles/dialogue or some shit. It’s like a puzzle but half the pieces are missing and the other half is scattered every which way and the corner parts ended up in someone’s breakfast cereal.

Dancing Mad will start playing aaaaany second now.

Okay so we get the same situation, different context.

Ardyn’s fight with Ignis is 1000x more impressive than the random scrolling green screen looking effect they had in the original game.

JESUS FUCK IGGY also can we get that as a new outfit?

This soundtrack is godly!

*ULTIMATE BATTLE THEME INTENSIFIES*

Ignis could beat Ardyn enough that he wouldnt come back for a long time but Nyx had to die from Glauca? Fuck Nyx, apparently.

Damn, ouch. Feels. Also: Yay, Gladio is allowed to have feelings other than “angry”.

Noctis can put on the Ring and not feel excruciating pain, meaning the only reason why it did in the first place was because Tabata loves tragedy and causing pain to the main character for some shitass reason. I mean they could easily have written it being a painful experience uniformly across all scenarios but they didn’t.

Is the Crystal’s light healing Ignis? ... he still looks hurt eyewise...

Oh, finally, Noct being proactive on some measure.

It looks like Iggy can still see.

ARANEA CAMEO WHAT WHAT

OLD RAVUS who looks vaguely like Iedolas. Glad to see they didn’t shaft him this time. I like.

Noctis lives~! and it sounds like Ignis said “Your Majesty”. 

So if this happened as the legitimate ending, I wouldn’t even have blinked or called foul, which says a lot about the original ending. I mean they even keep in with the theme of Brotherhood and have them all face Ardyn together instead of Noctis shouldering everything by himself because some scaly asshole said so.

[scripts4dreamers]

Goddesses

AN: the reader is a grounder who was captured by the ice nation and tortured, but the commander isn't willing to let you go, not you. Characters: Queen Nia, Commander Lexa Pairings: Lexa x reader  Spoilers: none Warnings: none

Prompt: “Hey i was hoping maybe you could do an imagine if they arent closed? If theyre open i was hoping for something along the lines of a lexa x reader where the reader had been captured and tortured by azgeda but after lexa had gotten her back?” 

 ----------- 

The pain you felt was unimaginable, like nothing you'd ever experienced but, as one of the Azgeda Warriors dug the tip of his blade deeper and deeper into your skin, you pulled against the chains that were holding you up, bit down on the back of your jaw and refused to scream. Your body was a wreck, one part burns, two parts bruises and three parts cuts and you knew, deep down, that this would be the place where you died. Alone, far from your home, far from your people, and far from your commander. The memories of your last free day swam before your eyes. You remembered the sun on your face, the steady movement of your horse under you, the laughter and jokes passing between yourself and the other guards, and Lexa’s smile, warm and easy. 

It had been a difficult year for your clan, with Azgeda kicking up a fuss at every opportunity they had everyone had been on edge. This trip was supposed to mark the end of that, Azgeda had officially joined the coalition so now, everything was supposed to go back to normal. Your people would finally have peace. 

Of course, that's not what had happened. Two days into your journey back from Polis you'd been attacked and you'd thrown yourself in front of Lexa, screaming at the guards to get themselves and the commander back to safety. You'd let yourself be captured and, in doing that, you'd given the rest of the guard time to get Lexa to safety. Although the attackers had been unmarked, you knew they were Azgeda. Queen Nia had seen her opportunity to derail Lexa once more, and she'd taken it. 

That trip was four days ago. Despite the torture, you couldn't get yourself to regret your decision, as the head of the Commander’s security detail, You'd done your job, you'd protected Lexa and because of that, the good work she was doing could continue. Not that that thought eased the pain. 

The door to your prison opened wide, letting in a burst of ice-cold air that momentarily shocked your system and soothed your aching body. A menacing silhouette stormed in, her crown and fur coat making her seem more monster than woman; Queen Nia, your captor. Despite yourself, you felt your heart stutter. 

“Anything?” She demanded, barking at your guard. 

He shook his head, bowing before his queen, “Nothing yet your highness. She's been trained well.” 

The queen made a noise of displeasure and grabbed your jaw, forcing you to meet her cold clinical stare. She scanned your face, as though searching for signs of weakness in your eyes. 

“Of course she was. Do you think Trikru would let a novice guard their precious commander?” Nia asked, her lip curling. The guard shuffled, and you tried no to wince as Nia pressed her fingers into your jaw harder and harder. “Well?” She snapped, “You obviously have something to say, so out with it.” 

The guard flinched, and you felt a sick sense of satisfaction at seeing his discomfort. “I mean no offense, my queen, but if she won't give up information, why bother taking her?” 

Nia cocked her head to the side, still studying you, as you imagined stabbing your knife into her skull, again and again and again. 

“She belongs to Lexa,” Nia said, “by taking her, we are giving Lexa the opportunity to ruin herself, and her precious little coalition.” She explained, “Soon enough Lexa will come back to Azgeda to attack me, and the whole thing will crumble; all so she can save this little thing.” 

Nia released your jaw and moved to discuss something with your guard. 

As you processed her words, you felt something bubble up in your chest unexpectedly; laughter. It burst out of you like a tidal wave, echoing across the stone room. The queen turned back to you, something like rage flickering across her face. 

“You’re-you're insane.” You told her through your laughter, “You're completely insane.” 

“Oh?” Nia responded, her voice dangerously calm, “And what makes you think that?” 

You shook your head, your body still shaking with fits of chuckles, “Lexa won't come looking for me. Your plan is intrinsically flawed.” 

The queen’s lip curled into a cruel sneer, “Oh but she will. I know she will, she won't be able to help herself.” 

“You're wrong.” You insisted. 

“I'm not. Lexa will come to my keep, she will demand to see you, she will kill many of my people in her rage and then, when I, like the gracious queen I am, allow her to search my castle, she will find nothing.” Nia assured you, her sneer still in place. 

You felt something like ice flood your veins. It had never occurred to you that you weren't in queen Nia’s palace but, it made a sick kind of sense. Her advisors will never let her do anything so foolish, you reminded yourself, she won't come looking for you. You will die here. You felt your body relax. You shook your head again, 

“You're wrong.” You whispered again. 

“We’ll see.” Nia responded. She looked to your guard as she walked away and simply said, “Break her.” 

 And you felt death touch your shoulder. 

 ---------- 

The day passed in a haze of pain and exhaustion and, after your voice was hoarse from screaming, you let your mind wonder, clinging to the memories of your home; of brown hair and flashing green eyes. On a normal day, you would’ve shaken your head and forced your thoughts away from Lexa, reminding yourself that she was your commander and that these thoughts were inappropriate but you were going to die, there could be no harm in it now. 

So you let yourself imagine that you were home with her, that you were together, holding one another. It was a beautiful thought. As day turned to night, you became aware of the fact that you were singing. Nothing special, just nonsense songs from your childhood, ones that your mother had sung to you to help you sleep. Somehow, it helped. 

You knew that you were dying. The combination of bleeding, beating and lack of food and water was sapping the strength from your body, and you knew that it wouldn't hold up for much longer. You felt woozy, everything was fuzzy and thick, you thought that you'd heard noises, but you flicked the thought away. Your eyelids felt heavy, and you barely noticed as the thick door burst open as people came rushing in. Everything felt like a dream, and you smiled in a dopey fashion as one of the new members ran his sword through your guard. A familiar voice barked your name, and you vaguely felt as someone pressed their hands to your skin. You smiled at the person as her eyes seared into yours and, as you slipped out of consciousness, their greenness stuck with you. 

 ----------- 

Eventually, it was the coolness that woke you, the feeling of someone pressing a damp cloth to your forehead. Your eyes fluttered open and your first instinct was to frown. The surface above you didn't look like stone, in fact it looked rather like… You sat up, ignoring the wave of dizziness that flooded through you and the way your body screamed for you to lie back down. The healer beside you jumped back, obviously terrified, but she looked familiar. 

“You shouldn't be moving so soon,” an even more familiar voice called, sending shivers down your spine, “you're hurt. Take it slow.” Lexa’s eyes clung to yours as she leant against the doorframe, “You're home, you can relax.” 

Your body began to shake as Lexa’s voice flooded over you like a blanket of comfort and, to your horror, you whimpered and tears started to leak from the corners of your eyes. You hadn't cried since you were a child, and it horrified you to think that Lexa was seeing you be so weak. You braced yourself against the cutting comment that you were expecting, that you had heard Lexa make to others over the years, but it never came. Just as you broke down, Lexa dismissed the healer and rushed to your side, sitting down on your bed and pulling you against her chest. 

“Shh, it's okay.” Lexa whispered, stroking her fingers through your hair comfortingly, her voice oddly strained, “It's okay my brave warrior, you're safe, you're safe, I've got you.” 

You sobbed for what felt like hours, caught somewhere between relief, confusion and fear and tried to ignore how amazing it felt to be close to Lexa like this. She whispered comforting words into your ear, keeping you close and promising that you were safe with her. Eventually, you ran out of tears and just sat with your commander, your head nuzzled between Lexa’s shoulder and neck, trying to find a patch of solid ground to keep you from drowning. Everything about this was wrong. You should be dead, you should be, why aren't you dead? And was Lexa’s arm really around you? Was she really stroking your hair and squeezing your shoulder? You nuzzled into Lexa’s skin, breathing in her scent. 

She stiffened beneath you and you suddenly realized how many lines you'd crossed in the he past hour. You flushed with guilt and sat up picking up the cooling pack that the healer had dropped and pressing it to your split lip, avoiding meeting Lexa’s eyes as you leant back against the bed’s headboard. 

“I'm sorry Heda,” you said, your voice raspy and hoarse, “that was inappropriate. I shouldn't have let my emotions get the best of me.” 

Lexa reached out, as though she was about to touch you, but stopped and instead just looked at you, as though she was drinking you in. Her eyes were tinged with red, as though she'd been crying, it made something in your chest flutter. 

“Are you okay?” Lexa asked, her voice still strained. 

You nodded, which felt like a lie, because you were very much not okay, but you never could bring yourself to worry Lexa. From the look she gave you, it didn't seem like she'd bought it. Lexa gestured at your torso, which you were cradling with your arm. 

“Can I-would it be okay if I checked that?” Lexa stuttered, sounding unsure. 

This shook you, because you were pretty sure Lexa had never been unsure about anything in her life. It almost made you smile. Almost. If your face hadn't been flushing at the idea of Lex seeing your mottled skin that is. Despite that, the idea of having Lexa’s hands on you again was far too tempting, and you nodded. Slowly, Lexa reached out and lifted the hem of your shirt. Unable to bare the horrified look that you were sure would be on her face, you shut your eyes. You heard a soft whimper, a strangled little cry that made you open them again. Lexa’s face was pulled tight, her eyes welling up with tears and you noticed, with a sense of shock, that her hands were shaking. She looked so lost, so frightened, so helpless; it made you feel sick with guilt, but it also made you feel remarkably more calm. In all your years working with Lexa, you'd never seen her look so young. 

Suddenly, you remembered the discussion you'd had with Nia, how sure she'd been that Lexa would come looking for you, and she'd been right. Despite the risks, despite how stupid it was, she'd saved you. You dropped your hands to cover Lexa’s making her look up. 

“It's okay.” You told her, forcing yourself to sit up, wincing at the pain, “I'll heal. I always do.” Lexa nodded, but she didn't look any less frightened. “Lexa,” you asked quietly, “why did you rescue me?” 

Her head shot up, “What?” 

You blushed, but held her gaze, “Why did you rescue me? You could've-you could've ruined everything. Why?” 

Lexa’s mouth opened and shut again, and you watched the cogs in her head spin. “Y/N, I-it's you,” she explained lamely, “how could you think that I-“ she petered off. 

“I'm just a guard Lexa, I'm expendable, you're not. You should've let me die.” 

Lexa shook her head, suddenly clasping your hands firmly, “No, no you're not expendable Y/N. You're-I couldn't let you go! I wanted to go looking for you the second they took you, but they wouldn't let me. Gods above Y/N I was so scared. I couldn't lose you, not the way I lost Costia. Do you understand that? I couldn't lose you.” 

You were shocked, and something in you lit up like a fire. Things felt, different, somehow, and you leant forward, cupping Lexa’s cheek with your hand to calm her down. 

“Shh, it's okay, I'm okay.” You promised, “But Lexa, you can't just risk the coalition for a subject, I'm not worth that. What would've happened if you'd stormed Nia’s palace hmm? What then?” 

A flicker of anger ran through Lexa’s eyes, but she leant into your hand as though it was anchoring her, “I would've torn it down brick by brick, and then burnt down the whole of Azgeda to find you.” She said, her voice stable and completely even and you shivered under its intensity. 

You believed her. 

“Lexa,” you started, your voice breaking, “please-“ 

“What Y/N? Are you in pain? What do you need, just tell me and I'll get it.” 

“I want to know why you're doing all of this for me.” You admitted, your chest aching. 

The commander was suddenly very still, as though you'd sucked all the air from her lungs and she wasn't sure how to move forward. You waited for Lexa to answer, your heart pumping in your chest at a million miles per hour. She said nothing. 

 “Lexa, please, tell me what's going on.” You asked, a note of pleading in your voice. 

The next thing you registered were Lexa’s lips on yours and her hands tangled in your hair. Every single cell in your body was burning as you kissed back, your head spinning at the realization that the woman of your dreams was kissing you, her body flush against yours. How could this be happening? You thought of pulling away, but Lexa kept you close, whimpering every time your lips left her's for even a second. Oh Gods above, this was happening. You practically vibrated with happiness because this, this felt right. This explained so much, this was everything you'd ever wanted. As your confidence grew, you bit down on Lexa’s bottom lip, drawing a guttural moan from the woman that did something sinful to you. She pulled you onto her lap, murmuring praises into the skin of your neck, her lips lighting you up and filling you with need. Lexa squeezed your waist, and white hot pain shot through your body, making you cry out. 

Lexa instantly pulled away, her brow creased with worry, “What's wrong Hebe, did I hurt you?” 

“Yeah, but it's alright I-wait, what did you call me?” You asked, giving Lexa a surprised but not unhappy smile.  

The commander blushed, but kept your gaze as she sat up and pressed gentle kisses to the skin of your jaw. This wasn't frenzied, filled with need and desire like before, it was soft and tender, as though Lexa were worshipping your skin instead of just kissing it. You'd never imagined Lexa like this, so passionate and open and vulnerable, like it physically hurt her to keep her hands off of you. 

“Hebe.” She repeated, her voice warm and smooth as syrup, “The Goddess of ever-lasting youth and beauty, mistress of elegance and charm.” You chuckled, and she continued, “I saw you in the market and, God, you just looked so beautiful, I had to know who you were. I asked everyone, but no one, no one knew your name.” Lexa told you, sounding frustrated about that even now, “So I just kept calling you Hebe, and iI thought that that would be the end of it, but then one day you walked into my throne room, all decked up in your guard’s gear and I just,” she sighed into your neck as you started running your fingers through her hair, “God I wanted you so badly, and it didn't help that you were always so goddamn oblivious.” She sounded absolutely wrecked, like you were pulling her apart piece by piece, “And then I got to know you, and it just got so much worse because you're so funny, and sweet and adorable and strong and it was like a virus and I just couldn't stop thinking about you. Everyday I just wanted to see you and spend time with you but I couldn't, and then you were gone and Nia was going to take you from me and I couldn't have that-I couldn't lose you because I just love you so much and-“ she froze, as though suddenly the flood of unstructured words that had been pouring out of her mouth had dried up. 

Your answering smile was radiant and you pulled Lexa in for a heart-breakingly tender kiss, pouring years and years of silent pining into it in the hopes that, if you could just kiss her hard enough, you could stop time and just live in this moment forever. 

“I love you too.” You admitted, “I never thought you could ever-“ 

“What? Love you?” Lexa asked incredulously, “Y/N, it's you, who else could I ever-? There could never be anyone else.” 

You pressed your forehead against hers, relishing in the feeling of being together. Lexa sighed, her body relaxing into yours like they were made for each other. 

“I love you so much Y/N.” She told you, “I swear to you, I'll never let anyone hurt you ever again.” 

“I'm the head of your guard Lexa, that's not possible. My job is to get hurt so that you don't have to.” 

Lexa smirked, “Looks like I'll just have to work harder for peace then.” She said, “Because I've just gotten started with you Hebe, and I'm not ready to lose you yet.”

[ted-cuckynski-blog]

all the while you complain about the same things i would like to. but i keep mine to myself because you dont try to help me the same way i do you. if you say you want to die, i try to dissuade you from death with positive things, if i say i want to die, you tell me to come to you ‘so we can die together’, what a way to invalidate my suicidal ideations. you hated it when your ex would say something like that. youd yell ‘so i should kill myself then??’ why dont i do that? because youll find a way to make it about yourself.

youve suffered unimaginably. the things youve had to experience in your life are far and away tragic. unfortunately they are not all due to random chance. your own choices lead you there. just like mine have lead me here. some are out of your control and are despicable acts committed against you. a lot of them are. but you also arent the only person to have experienced these problems. thats the difference i guess between you and i. or myself and other people. i dont want people to go through these kind of feelings. so many people instead want to spread their pain right away.

my desire to die caused the crumbling of my last relationship. i wrote a suicide note, and went into my room and brought a big ass knife, i prayed and prayed for the strength to end my life, and i cried and cried. i couldn’t do it and i fell asleep exhausted. my ex found me and that was the serious beginning of the end. i was immediately guilt tripped for wanting to kill myself. you shouldnt ever fucking do that. why kick someone when theyre down.

ive never left the country. ive never had someone buy me a car. ive never stayed in exotic five star hotels. i dont have a $4000 apartment on the beach. i dont get to do whatever i want within reason. i cant go to a concert on a thursday night with my friends.

im alone. with no friends. in a new state. 1500 miles from the nearest family member. im cutting it close with money. i am two months behind on my car payment. i am not getting proper instruction at work. the therapist here is not helpful to me. i dont leave my room in a hotel that is costing me a fortune. i dont bathe properly. i sleep so fucked up or not at all. i am 600 miles overdue for an oil change. i constantly have either a headache, or my mouth hurts, or my stomach hurts. i can no longer talk to the only person i had to vent my true emotions to.

i have had loving parents. i have had a family that cares about me. i have made numerous friends. i wasnt abused. but that doesnt mean my problems dont matter. that doesnt invalidate my feelings.

thats what i always tell you at least. but you said it yourself, youre selfish with no intention of changing.