#things I think about when I'm tired as hell

[eldritch-spouse]

Kalymir and tactition reader? Sort of a brains and brawn situation?

[I enjoy this. "Big dumb villain and their smart assistant that's not paid enough"-core.]

He starts pacing around the table, always does, when something you say isn't to his liking.

" DON'T FUCK ME! "

Fortunately, you were hired to be the brains to his muscle, not to glaze his metaphorical balls.

" M'lord I'm fairly certain I couldn't even if I tired. " You eye him up and down, silently asking if he's done with his bitchfit. " Nonetheless, I believe this is no time to be aggressive. You'd do well to send scouts- "

" SCOUTS?! " He snarls at the top of his rather annoyingly large lungs. Some kind of battle axe flies over your head, decapitating baby hairs. You barely blink as it embeds itself into the wall behind you. " THIS IS BARELY A PROPER SETTLEMENT! I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO EVEN THINK ABOUT THIS PIECE OF SHIT RESISTANCE POCKET- "

The King stomps forward on mighty talons, nearly swiping your pondering orb away as he gestures toward it with a fury of such might that it makes the muscles in his arms swell.

" LOOK AT THESE INSECTS! "

" Precisely. "

The demonlord looks as if his honest desire is to cut your back open and slurp the spinal cord out. Yet, in the midst of the anger constantly frying his nerve endings, is a tungsten carbide core of minimal intelligence that reminds him eviscerating you is a most terrible idea.

" EXPLAIN THEN, YOU MOUTHY CUNT. "

" I've been trying to do so this entire time. "

" THE FUCKING NERVE Y- "

" This resistance pocket- " You start, snapping your fingers repeatedly as if trying to garner a large dog's attention. " Is mixed and dangerous, m'lord. "

Although Kalymir is visibly fuming, he does listen.

You scroll through the field of view offered by the hidden summoned aid currently hiding in tall trees. It provides a top-down map feed of the location Kalymir's latest headache has been operating from. Currently, at least. People buzz from one side to another, not many in numbers but extremely well-organized and efficient, almost as if controlled by something.

" Notice there are more than just wrathful demons in the midst, this group employs humans and monsters, especially the less social of the bunch. The kind of monster you'd find hiding in darkened places, isolated but by no means uneducated. To gain the alliance of these monsters, one would need a surprising sense of- "

" I'M FUCKING SNOOZING HERE... "

Sometimes, you're the one that wants to maul him.

There's a tired sigh.

" Harmonious diversity equals no-no. "

Pause.

" I'M NOT A BABY, YOU SURFACE WHORE. "

" Putting that aside, I'm sure you've noticed by now, that they brandish weapons of ancient times. The very things that allowed the initial group to leave the Rings unscathed despite being hunted, not just in Wrath but in the territory of all the Lords you've made agreements with. "

" CELESTIAL WEAPONRY. " The warlord sneers, thoughtful.

" Yes. "

Kalymir shakes his head.

" YOU CAN'T TELL ME THEY'RE ALLIED TO ANGELS! MOST ARE DEMONS, YOU CAN'T BRIBE ANGELS INTO HANDING THEIR TOOLS OVER- " He slams both fists onto the worn and dented table, making your chair jump. " THEY'RE HARDLY EVEN SEEN. AND LIKE FUCKING HELL THESE PARASITES CAN KILL ONE! "

A smug smile tugs your lips. " But, my King, they don't need to be allied to angels to have those. "

Kalymir makes a rare effort to calm down, sharpened claws tapping at the same table. You can hear a heavy-tipped tail swing, the woosh mildly distracting.

" SPEAK! "

" The archives. "

You can hear the gears melting in his cranium.

" THE ARCHIVES... " He stands, mighty body straight as he beings putting two and two together. " THE ARCHIVES! "

You nod, arms crossing.

Not just any archives, the Royal Archives of Wrath, containing a litany of detailed instructions in old Infernal about how to dispatch different types of celestials. The same archives that guarded weapons of Eden stolen from perished angels, weapons that destroyed the limbs of the brave demons who managed to retrieve them, whose core names and sigils have been carved into the cases holding these artifacts. Those are the only celestial weapons left behind, as far as anyone knows. The type of material prize a lord of Wrath would die protecting.

" NO! " He barks once he realizes the first possibility that statement implies.

" Yes, my King. "

" NO ONE COULD HAVE BROKEN IN, YOU SNOT-BRAINED ANKLE BITER! "

Hm, that one's new.

He's right, no one could have broken in, he knows you know this, and the fact that you always seem one little step ahead of him is both infuriating to the King but also exciting.

" Correct. "

" THEN- "

" Who has access to the Royal Archives of Wrath? "

" I DO! I'M THE KING- "

" And who had access? "

As soon as you ask that, he falls eerily silent, pacing again, this time to the opposite display of weapons, subconsciously studying them as he thinks.

" IMPOSSIBLE. "

You recline on the chair, eyes closing. " Is it? "

" I BUTCHERED HIM! I HUMILIATED HIM. HIS VERY SKULL SITS ABOVE MY THRONE OF VICTORIES! "

" His offspring, my King. His descendants. " As far as you know, they were only juveniles when Kalymir murdered their father.

" ONE DIED IN THE CRUCIBLE... "

" The other...? "

Kalymir doesn't answer, he doesn't know. And neither did you, not until very recently.

You don't need to spell the implications out this time, he gets there on his own two synapses.

" YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS. " The demonlord bristles, not because he finds the suggestion ridiculous, but likely because it's going to make things a lot more interesting.

" But I am. He can't show his face, it'd be too risky, but some dissenting demons still recognize and have followed him to the surface. He then seeks the help of monsters living in the margins of societies or straight up outside of them, safer options to utilize holy weapons. And not just that, these monsters muddle our understanding of the resistance's origins and goals, adding humans to the mix just makes it all more confusing. Many of the non-demonic members are likely under contractual obligation to do this too, I'd reckon. "

The King is silent.

" Think about it. You lost track of them a long time ago. This prince-to-be witnessed the death of his father, his brother, his mother has likely died of old age. He has nothing. Nothing but a sweltering desire to dethrone you. This is his doing. "

A cruel glint settles in your eyes, belying that there is room for your frigid coldness in the boiling Ring.

" Unfortunately, he must have been too young to properly absorb his father's teachings, because this is amateurish at best. A little bit of care and thought is all you need to nip his budding plans, m'lord. "

The King smiles, drags a hand down his face, chest heaving faster as a very thunderous bark of raucous laughter shakes the entire fortress. The clapping of meaty red hands accentuates how wolfishly delighted he is.

" YOU GLORIOUS, ROTTEN WENCH! HOW COULD I NOT HAVE SEEN THIS?! "

Yes, really, how did he not see this a mile away? He should have figured it out before you, you actually had to do research concerning the past ruler of Wrath.

Kalymir damn near sprints towards you, reaching over the table to grab you up by the collar of your outfit.

" LEAD ME TO HIM, STRATEGIST. TELL ME HOW TO GET MY HANDS ON THE WORTHLES TWERP. I WILL WEAR HIS BROTHER'S SKIN. "

" Of course, my King. I will lead you to victory as always. "

" GOOD. GOOD LITTLE HUMAN. "

You're dropped back down unceremoniously, feeling a creak in your hip but remaining composed. Kalymir is clearly getting overly excited over the whole deal, you can tell he'll be obsessing over it from now on.

" WE WILL MAKE A NEW CHANDELIER OF HIS BONES. "

Satisfied, there's a pep to the demonlord's step as he makes to leave, opening the great doors to his hall.

" AND ONCE THIS IS OVER, YOU- "

" YOU WILL SIT BESIDE ME AS QUEEN. "

[childofthewolvess]

Aphrodite and my Autism/PTSD Service Dog

So the thing I wasn't expecting after bringing my service dog home was Aphrodite's clear presence with her! I was honestly expecting a bigger presence from Loki or my familiars, or hell, Apollo with his healing associations, and instead the deity that suddenly became much louder was... Aphrodite?

I have a few theories for this. One, my dog is a golden retriever. UPG Aphrodite likes golden retrievers lol? It could also be the unconditional love I have for my pup, and the same returned to me. I also suddenly have time again for all my self-care rituals at night with Aphrodite. My skin is clearing as one of my service dog's tasks is behavioral interruption for skin-picking. I have energy to last me through the day, and at the end of the day, I'm not overstimulated or overwhelmed, I'm relaxed and productive—previously, I was forced to skip some of my self-care daily because of how tired I would get from being on alert with my PTSD. My confidence has skyrocketed in public as I no longer have to constantly worry about being approached from behind. My stress levels are lower, and when they spike, my service dog alerts me and I can take care of the problem before it really begins. Or it's because she makes me more confident in my feminine self. Aphrodite loves my pup to death, her presence has been around me, especially in the last two days. We're just gals, the three of us. <3

Regardless of reasoning (I think it's all of them combined), I'm super thankful for Aphrodite's care and assistance as I readjust to my new life. I love seeing my deities peeking through my normal every day life.

Obligatory service dog picture, of course.

[gentleoverdrive]

(240/?) You will see your downfall.

It's been raining again for a couple of days! Driving around the city to go into rehearsals for the pre-production process of one of the recording sessions we'll start soon has been so fun... even if I have to use my 8-string for these new songs. Goddammit, that guitar is so heavy now that I lost weight, it's hard to play it for long periods of time standing. ---- And while I was able to pull off most of the songs without much of an issue (after all, 5 out of the 9 songs were almost completely written by me), I've been wondering: Weren't both literary and musical genres, like, entirely dreamed up by marketing? I say this because, while I love playing slow, droning stoner/post-metal as much as the next musician, it's also not the only thing I want to do with this particular band. ---- Especially because we're a power trio. We don't even have a proper bass player. Hell, technically speaking, the low register is mostly MY thing in this band! Wouldn't it be cool if musicians weren't so married to their own genres as the standard? I'd love to play some crossover or even thrash with these two girls! ---- Same with my other band! I don't want to play melodeath all the time with those guys. How about some black metal? How about some metalcore? Or grind? Wouldn't that be the shit? Think about it. Genres are purely for marketing, man. See you later, alligator!

[steelthroat]

I was painting and the religious-fanatic teacher came to me and started asking questions about my work. I answered them and I was ready to go on with my day and she goes "we used to talk more when you were well..."

And I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at her like "wtf" because lady you are under 2 wrong assumptions here:

I would let YOU of all people be aware of my mental state or personal life or anything that concerns ME at all.

That we had some kind of amicable relationship to begin with? No, I don't know how you got the wrong impression since I just ever talked to you after I disagreed with your views, criticized you and almost fought with you because you said something both incredibly stupid and triggering... just because I've kept things civil doesn't mean I don't consider you anything other than a pretentious asshole.

The audacity of this woman, to think she can come to me and act all motherly and attentive while trying to get her nose in my personal life while bringing up a past bond which never fricking existed????? What like do you miss our disagreements???

And I just told her, "But... I'm good tho" which is not 100% true, but that's none of her business anyway

And she goes "yeah but you were even better"

BITCH????? No I wasn't? I'm not doing super now but I've vastly improved since last year so idk are you tripping or something???? And then she says something else about my work and keeps talking to me and I'm being civil and cordial because I'm not a rude asshole even if he doesn't even deserve this courtesy for the way she treats us.

Idk what's wrong with her, like she thinks I'm some kind of "problematic kidTM" for the way I look who needs salvation?? Which is not true, I don't need you as a mother. I already have a loving family and friends. Thank you and get the hell away from me????

And even if I were looking for someone's help for anything, I would NEVER in a hundred thousand years go to her for it. Not even for a broken nail lol.

She would probably tell me to go to church and confess or some shit. She already told me to call a confessor for my grandma because she had a little accident when she heard me talking about it with someone else... fkn hell.

[bandedbulbussnarfblat]

i used to make my sunday school teacher so angry back when my mom forced me to go to church, bc i would question everything. and point out how this one part of the bible contradicts this other part of the bible. and the response i usually got was the rules in the new testament were the ones that counted. so i asked why we still had to follow the ten commandments. and they did not like that. and the thing was, i wasn't actively trying to be malicious or anything. i was a kid trying to understand why so many people worshiped this god, that to me seemed jealous and petty and cruel. bc i never actually believed in any of it. i pretended to, bc my mom did and the way church would talk about non-believers made me not feel like it was safe to admit that to her. american christianty is a cult. a very popular cult, but it's a fucking cult.

[spokelseskladden]

no but actually, when I was like 16 I decided to get in deep with the cult, like fanatically deep. Donating my entire allowance and dedicating myself to biweekly bible study deep. Mainly because I had deluded myself into thinking that if only I could become a perfect jehovah’s witness, god would heal my crippling gender dysphoria by either taking pity on me and simply give me a dick and testosterone for the low price of my freedom and dignity, or alternatively taking it away all together and let me live my life blissfully as a cis woman for all eternity in paradise. The latter never sounded appealing to me, and I’m not going to pretend that the blatant sexism within the cult wasn’t a part of it at all, but even if you removed it, I still didn’t particularly care for having tits. I did realize that the former alternative probably wasn’t likely to happen in the end, and that’s probably one of the big reasons I never could admit to actually just being a guy, even though it was kinda obvious. Cause when you know you can’t ever have something, it’s easier to pretend you never wanted it in the first place, lol

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

i have classes again! (i do not know if this is good or not yet) so i will not be able to draw as often. that or i will be drawing extra as a way to procrastinate working on assignments

[queenofthieves]

.

[tenrose]

It's cool because I'm no longer really depressed. Not exactly, I think.

However, I still have this problem I've never been able to get rid of. I have the idea of doing a thing but then my brain goes blank and I don't do the thing. If it's a mandatory thing I will at some point do it but like with guilt, anxiety, stress and quickly and badly. But the worse part is for hobbies. I do have ideas, desire but still I don't do the things. It absolutely make zero fucking sense. It's like my brain is lacking a connection between the thought and the execution of it. It's draining all of my energy. I don't know what to do with it.

Honestly as much as I don't like working, it's kind of a good thing that I have a job, obviously for money, but also to have a somewhat healthy pattern. It's not that healthy because I go to bed later than I should be and so I'm always tired. What I mean is that I have to cook, shower etc. And I do this because of work. I know this because every weekend everything fall apart from Friday to Sunday 18:00 when the guilt finally kick in. Like, I do enjoy cooking but somehow it's easier for me to cook for work than the weekend when I barely eat anything and at weird hours. So yes I perfectly know that if I didn't have a job I would be a total mess. And that's why unlike some of my colleagues I can't quit and give myself two months of rest before actively applying for a new job, I know it won't happen (also obviously money and even though I saved some I suffer from what I call "ex poor syndrome" so even though I know I could technically survive a few months without a salary my anxiety will never ever allow me to quit without having something to bring me money at the end of the month). So yes the plan is to apply to stuff till I have a the certainty to have a new job, then quit and take all my vacation days and maybe a few extra days. Problem is the energy needed to search for a new job. Similarly I kinda think about trying once again to do something about my driving licence, because I know I will have more chances to find a job, I could go live more in a suburb less expensive area and also the reality of adulthood since my grandpa hit me that I will need to be able to drive to take care of my parents someday. But then again my brain don't want to hear anything about it. So obviously I'm like, well then let's chill and let's do something we like. Writing about the books I finally read, collages, gif making, writing, I don't know literally drawing ugly doodles in a notebook? But even for this my brain shut down. It's exhausting I really don't know what to do with it anymore.

My brain literally lack the "click" thing that activates the whole process.

[salsflore]

⠀

[omarfor-orchestra]

"Non farlo piangere" girl he literally cries in his mother's arms when he's trying to fall asleep because he gets frustrated when he can't and now I'm making him cry???????????????

[noxianwilled]

kat doesn't share things about her private life most of the time. don't expect her to, you know, do photoshoots and interviews and whatever else with anyone she's with at the time or even talking about it very openly. if there's a serious relationship, she'd acknowledge it exists, but not talk about it in detail (it's harder to keep it low when the other person is also famous, and i don't think she'd necessarily avoid being seen with them sometimes, but yeah in general she tries to keep things as private as possible, especially when it comes to romantic relationships - friends and such only if they prefer to keep a low profile). so i feel fans would get invested in finding out whatever is going on through pictures of her with people, rumors, lyrics and such, but she doesn't really engage with it in any way at all.

the fact she doesn't share anything if she can help it makes it pretty clear she's not interested in what people have to say. the reaction can range from indifferent to really pissed off, depends on the opinions (she does avoid them, if she can, from media and the public alike). managers trying to have any say in her personal life and how it's presented would immediately be fired though (she had a controlling mother for a manager when she was younger and she's not about to let another person have a say on her private life like that ever again).

when it's fans talking about how they connect to songs or feel seen and understood in some way or like they belong or whatever she'd be really soft about it (she loves her fans! she does appreciate their love!) but when it comes to her personal life no matter how supportive the messages she doesn't wanna know (the only type she'd appreciate, and even then she tries to keep a never reading comments policy so the chance she'd see them is slim, is when people are like oh she looks happy i hope she's happy and whatnot). when it comes to the media and how it portrays things i sincerely think she's not polite at all when people try to get her to talk about things or create/suggest any sort of drama (her life has drama enough without that).

but commentaries about who she's dating or who she's friends with she's never interested in and if they're critical of people she loves she will be outright pissed off. like, idk, she's besties with draven, if she sees 'fans' talking shit about him for whatever reason she'll tell them to get fucked. if there's something about her being with darius and she comes across sb saying garen was better she would just answer like get a life and shut the fuck up that might delve into worse if it's not deleted in 5 seconds by her media team while the pr tries to avoid bigger incidents

[ineffable-gallimaufry]

i can't even complain about taylor swift around here without getting the whole "oh because you listen to such good music as i like little girls" LIKE YOU CAN'T GO AFTER DANNY ELFMAN YOU PIECE OF SHIT. HE WRITES BETTER MUSIC THEN YOU WILL EVER LISTEN TO APPARENTLY

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

ah well gosh hi???

in what i said was gonna be a one day break from, well, life tbh, i seemingly realized that i don't just have school coming SOON, but that i wasn't prepared to wake up at 2pm to find out i only have a few days left of total free time not spent struggling and stressing out over exams of all things

so like any average person i went and made plans with friends to hang out and get my mind off of everything- and while it was good while it lasted, i really wanted to be, yknow, clear

i have artworks at the ready, and if i ever become desperate enough to start getting a hang on drawing with a mouse all the time i might as well, but as things stand i really do not know what the heck i am doing-

i'll try my hardest to at least look for a way to fix the pen cause that's just the most important and expensive part of the damaged stuff, but i'm thinking the cable is perma-broke so i'll have to look for a way to replace it

to cut right to the chase: i have some art i can post. but i dunno when, if, or which to post because most of them have some context that i would've normally been all too eager to explain, but as things stand? man i don't think i could muster the energy to try

so? i dunno yall- i mean i could start writing again? i've entertained the idea long enough and this might be just the opportunity to finally get some practice without getting distracted by drawing :'D

i could do small stuff with a mouse if i feel like sharing some art, but the illustrations? i feel like i can only post those once i feel a bit more alive mentally and physically to interact with others without feeling so drained all the time (but knowing that school's coming, i can't really promise anything :'))

thanks a lot for the sweet words and patience guys- it means a lot that you won't immediately, idk, ditch this blog once you realize i might not post much if not at all (hopefully not gosh) for an undetermined amount of time? you really made me realize this wasn't as bad as my mind's been pushing me to think,

so trust me i WILL bounce back and reblog stuff and have entire essays in your tags eventually- i just need to stop feeling like it has to be today, or tomorrow, or any days afterwards, just that it will happen when i feel like it<3

[sheerioswifties]

.

[skrunksthatwunk]

playing dmc1 with my earbuds in (but on low volume bc they're being weird) while my roommate and her shitty bf argue. i feel like i'm recreating the very specific experience of some child of divorce out there