#this has been part of the reason for my art block the past few months

[superbninten]

i am (partly) freed from my curse.

every since i finished eou2 i wanted to draw my favorite members from my classic party since they had some interesting interactions in the game.

the members names are sherry, anya, and niko, and like two of them hate each other, but they do damage together so they tolerate each other with anya as the mediator.

[spoopy-nevermore-dump]

Hey pssst hey. Have you ever considered: Montada?

I hate it, and it nearly killed my hyperfixation

But I understand my opinion on this may affect others, and many may be hurting from this episode soooooooooo

Art requests open

[emmett6]

i am being attacked by antis.

this is emmett. emmettnet, emmettverse, emmettland, emmettundead, emmettlab. whichever blog you knew me from.

i am a whump creator. i've been in the whump community for a few years now. and now, i am unable to share my work with the community on here because people are mass reporting me for being a proshipper, and Tumblr keeps deleting my blogs as a result.

(if that isn't the reason why, i would be more than happy to get the explanation from @staff that i've been asking for.)

now, that is speculation on my part based on the timing of each termination (it's after i put my pinned post in the whump tags).

but here are the facts:

months ago, i became comfortable enough to share proshipping content. seeing as how every other artist would link their nsfw work on here, i thought it was acceptable for me to do the same so long as the preview image did not violate any rules.

an anon asked if i was a proshipper, and i said i didn't ascribe to that label*, but i agreed with the philosophy.

*i don't have any choice BUT to use it now because my posts get removed for describing what the content is

note that this anon asked multiple people in the whump community if they were proshippers. it was the same person each time, same copy-and-pasted responses.

i kept posting my proshipping content, all with links and extensive content warnings.

i started getting anon hate.

my account was terminated. after further reflection and rereading the terms of service AGAIN, i figured maybe links are not allowed and so i switched to DM only.

this time, the anon hate was consistent. every week was something new. every day felt like bracing myself to open my inbox. i kept anon on, since i have so many people who feel uncomfortable sending asks off anon and didn't want to take away their safe space.

months pass. i go on hiatus for all of July. i find out someone stole my old nsfw art and reposted their edited versions of it to rule34, a site that i never wanted my work to be on. this person waited until the exact starting day of my hiatus to do this.

i come back to more anon hate in my inbox.

suddenly, out of nowhere, my account is terminated again.

i make a new blog. more anon hate. another termination.

lather, rinse, repeat.

i stopped doing DM only stuff. i figured, if i just link my other platforms and only post safe things on Tumblr, there's nothing in the rules against that. everyone has links to their social media.

i still get terminated. and again, i keep getting terminated after i post my pinned post in the whump tags. which -- speculation again -- leads me and others to think that these antis are stalking the whump tags, waiting for me to show up so they can mass report me and get me terminated.

i have NO idea what they would report, aside from claiming i'm trying to "dodge being blocked". which, i'm not. in fact, i say every single time i come back that i WANT people to block me if they need to.

but regardless, it keeps happening.

i'm losing a place i considered home.

i'm being forced out of a community on here i love so dearly.

and you want to know something funny? for some strange reason, i'm unable to block my anons. yup. an 'error' message comes up. and i'm apparently unable to report them too -- like reporting the one who called me a 'tumblr tranny' and said i would 'always be a woman' for hate speech. oops, sorry. error message.

by now, i've been called evil. told to listen to my intrusive thoughts. told that i should be on a watch list. told that it's disgusting that someone's mutuals still interact with me. told that i have no place in the whump community.

i know that's not true.

i'm so sick and tired of being treated like this. i'm tired of being dehumanized. and i'm disgusted with this behavior.

at this point, i'm just screaming as many times as i can. i'll keep losing blogs, because i know my attackers will read this and just keep on reporting me. what do they have to lose? nothing. they don't have enough of a conscience to care. and why should they? clearly, i'm a monster. i'm a piece of shit. i don't deserve basic respect, and i apparently don't deserve to keep my 'platform'. to stay in my community and to keep my livelihood.

my discord is emmettnet. send me a DM if you don't want to lose me, because there is no point in following me repeatedly just for every blog to be terminated.

if you want to reblog this to spread the word and show your support, i would be eternally grateful. but i understand if you choose not to; i don't want anyone to be subjected to what i'm going through.

thank you for reading.

[marashi96art]

Questions for the fanfic writers about Leon S. Kennedy's lack of background story: How do you deal with it?

I've been haunted by this problem for MONTHS and I needed to spit it out. I feel like Tumblr is a better place for long text and reasoned discussion, and most importantly: fanfic writers.

It's long and I sincerely look forward to your opinions. Even though I only draw Cleon, I didn't mention any ship in this post so I won't add ship-related tags here; if you're gonna list examples based on your ship, please respect each other.

So hear me out:

The best part and the worst part about Leon S. Kennedy is that HE DOESN'T HAVE A BACKGROUND STORY and a CONSISTENT characteristic development...and it's driving me insane.

The benefit of it is that I can shape his past into whoever I want to fit my stories. But it brings out a bigger problem: the development is solely depending on my understanding & knowledge of character design. He's pretty much a blank sheet of paper, except he's extremely famous, and I don't want to stray too far away from the canon info that we've got on him(and get "canceled" for OOC).

(I don't actually write stories into fics, but I DO write short scripts for my art when they are intended to be a series. I guess the prep work to start anything is the same: write it down in words, then expand the idea.)

I love AUs and I'm more interested in sci-fi/fantasy than modern/zombie-apocalypse kinda thing. But when I wanted to dig deep into their backgrounds, to start world-building, there's NOTHING for me. It's so frustrating.

For example, I'm currently working on a Monster Hunter AU based on the RE4R DLC Hero Outfit, which basically is the whole RE gang running around in the woods hunting supernatural creatures. (Not just CAPCOM's MH series but with the general mythical creatures, werewolves .etc)

And they have a Hunter's Guild, different tribes and clans, you know the drill. Since the setting was in a fantasy world, their surnames have caused me great pain from the start.

The easiest one is Redfield. It can be interpreted as "fertile land" or "battleground", and from these I immediately have quite a few visual ideas of how they'd look like, and what they'd do for a living. Chambers, Valentine, and Oliveira are "OK", but the surname Kennedy doesn't fit in ANYWHERE.

(Yes, I googled. It's Irish; but let's be honest, our first impression was a certain American political family.)

Then I read this article that shares a similar concern: Is Resident Evil 4’s Leon S. Kennedy Italian? An investigation

It pretty much sums up the most common FANDOM theories of Leon's background info. But all of them are still just, headcanons.

The more I try to dig in, the lack of this crucial element--a character's canon background story--is really blocking me to create things I enjoy. Even though I've been drawing him for almost 50 pieces of fan art, I still don't know what he's actually like. I can only imagine his personality by referencing other fictional characters/actors whom I think share a resemblance. (I have a soft spot for Keanu Reeves, Faramir from TLOR, and Sanji from One Piece. But that's another story for another time.)

Of course, I'm aware of the fact that, instead of spending this huge amount of time to rewrite a fictional character I don't own, I can create my own OCs and build everything from scratch. But that's not the point. I only started playing video games in 2019 when I bought a Nintendo Switch; and my first-ever, modern game experience was Zelda: Breath of the Wild.

The whole game-wise fandom and RE series are pretty new to me. But I've been in fandoms of books/movies/TV shows for over a decade. It shocked me that Resident Evil, this world-popular series has almost 30 years of history but non of the main characters have a consistent background that follows through the in-game timeline. There're huge gaps between the games even if we add all of the movies in it. How did that work? How do you get to know them? How do you get attached enough to write your own fan story?

In conclusion, I don't think I like Leon S. Kennedy, cuz he remains a mystery. Instead, I just combine all of the good qualities of other characters I like, create my version of Leon Kennedy, and hopefully pray that when he reappears in a new RE work, I didn't do him wrong.

[possessionisamyth]

went through ur resident evil tags, saw everything and felt for the fandom part big time

what was ur experience with it like? what could u possibly NOT like about it? pour ur heart out 🙏

Every old fandom that blows up suddenly with newcomers age ranged between preteens to young 20 somethings is going to be insufferable. You get the "fandom veterans" who've been in it since the first game dropped being "well actually" about every damn thing AND the newer fans deciding to change how the narrative functions to fit into what's currently popular and modern. It's why a lot of the infighting is occurring.

I'm a newer fan, but I am older than most of the fans that have recently gotten into RE these last few years so I'm in this weird spot. I've already stated in past posts I don't give a fuck what the directors or voice actors intended to do with the characters because if the game or movie doesn't show it, then they failed in executing their goals. Leon's VA can say whatever he wants about his Cleon intentions, but since their dialogue nor the execution of it didn't ring as romantic then guess what! It's not romantic! He just has a ship preference! The directors said Death Island was supposed to be Jill's comeback, but guess who gets most of the lines? Leon! Some comeback right? Guess who FAILED in executing their intentions so it doesn't count as canon. Those guys!

I also don't care about what information is found in old game faq magazines from the early 2000s that "prove" one backstory or another. Is it interesting to now how the fandom behaved when certain games and movies dropped and their responses to it? Yes! Is it cool to look at interviews from past VA's, face claims, mocap actors, directors, and writers to understand their inspiration when it comes to creating those stories? Absolutely! Is it fun to have this knowledge because you like the media and there's a lot of fan made stuff to sift through already? Of course! Are you an asshole when you start lauding any of this information as canon without being able to point out exactly where it happens in the game I'm playing or movie I'm watching?

Yes.

Yes, you're an asshole.

I've fumbled with my own takes and interpretations. Nobody's perfect. I get information wrong sometimes and end up doubling down when I should step away. We've all done it. Sometimes the block button hits you before you can apologize, and you just gotta live with it. I interpret things differently in and out of the moment. Everyone does. Why else would there be a whole subset of people who market Piers as this really important character for shipping reasons but then decide to magically absolve him of the very real and dangerous power he had over an amnesiac Chris in RE6? Why else would there be a lack of people giving Ethan the same smoke they give Mia for not viewing Eveline as a child but a thing that needed to be killed? Why else would there be people who treat Leon like a poorly written woman character by giving him a pussy and making him a crybaby bottom who needs to be babysat and comforted and gets pregnant by Chris or Krauser, but there's also strange lack of any trans woman narratives for him despite many artists or authors being trans themselves? Different interpretations is why! :) (Side note: I love trans man Leon narratives. Most of you do not write him the way he is once you've given him a pussy tho.)

I haven't left the fandom. Like with all of my media interests, after the initial boom where it consumes me is gone, I just go to my little corner and make things I like with the hope I run into a few people who also like it. I'm still in the tags looking for news updates, finding art that I like, and skimming past other people's perspectives on the story. I'm also going to the biohazard event in USJ either this month or next month.

I don't know if you wanted a vent post with like a numbered list of issues I have with the fandom. Since you've read through my RE stuff, you've probably seen me touch on all my issues with fanon in passing at least once or twice. If you're looking for something more specific, you'll have to clarify tho. Thanks for the message!

[secondsonaym]

i'm gonna be a little honest here, part of the reason why i've been so reluctant to get back into things is the sort of. Direct Attention i've been getting from people.

i've had to actually go and block somebody because they were just not understanding the boundaries they were crossing--acting overly friendly/assuming our relationship was to the point they could IM my personal at any time with questions about the AU and stuff, and it was just. tiring. and distressing

yall seriously need to understand that i'm just a person doing this shit for fun and kinda just wanna go with the flow for it. i like talking, but i don't want to feel like yall are mining at my brain for lore nuggets or whatever, it doesn't exactly make it fun because i like stuff to be revealed in the story, so when you ask me shit, 90% of the time it'll /be/ answered so i really don't know what to say in response other than 'just wait'

i'm friendly. i'm nice. i don't /mind/ people asking general things for more clarity or whatnot, but you need to realize going to do that on my personal is kind of the equivalent of walking into my house. i MAINLY have IMs open on my personal to talk with /commission clients,/ i don't really use it to Actually Chat With People

i've been dealing with health issues and energy problems, it's not easy for me to juggle this little project while also trying to do commissions (given that i only have so much art energy in a day) so i can actually get things i need since i don't have a job, and while my energy and passion can be admired i suppose, it's not. limitless.

i'm sorry if i seem bitchy about all this, it's just been weighing on my these past few weeks, and i know some of y'all follow the rp twitter and have seen me keep up activity there more or less because it's kind of the most i can manage at the moment

i do want to get back to this, but there's been a lot of IRL stressors as well.

i don't want to go into detail, but something has been happening to my maternal grandmother for the past year and it's just me and my paternal grandparents who can provide more direct support until this summer since the rest of my family lives overseas--and even then, they can only be here for the month of july since my parents work as teachers.

i'll likely be pulled into more intensive duty once july rolls around as it's very clear this year may not be much of a relaxing family visit year and more a... getting things in order and cleaning stuff up kind of visit. so that whole thing is looming over me and it's getting closer and closer, and i KNOW it's going to eat into my energy and availability even more. (my birthday is also in the latter portion of the month, so yay...)

this got. super long and whiny and rambly again and i'm sorry i just. wanted to voice stuff that's been on my mind CONSTANTLY as of late...

[lotusprotocol]

dreamcatcher devlog: may + june 2024

< part of the level i'm working on! >

it's that time again! i've been making some good progress on this game within the past couple months, and i'm excited to share some of it with y'all! i'll also be trying out a more organized format this time around instead of pure bullet points.

burnout :[

the main reason i didn't do a single devlog for may was because barely anything happened in may. since the school year was wrapping up, i had a lot of tests to take, work to catch up on, and an overbearing amount of stress on top of that. unfortunately, all that left me with almost no energy to work on dreamcatcher. the only thing i did was make a track for the game, which turned out good, but not much else to report.

summer camp

i also worked at a summer camp for the first three weeks of june! this was my fourth year there, and the environment and community are still just as amazing. i won't disclose which camp it was for my own privacy, but i thought it was worth mentioning since it ties into the next point.

music

for the first half of june, i did a lot of work on the musical side of things, since it was the only thing i had motivation for at that point, and since i was working on music for the filmmaking class i was with at the summer camp i mentioned. i managed to get most of the soundtrack down, with only a few things i need to polish! i'll make it public once the demo is close to or already released. as of right now i'll probably put it on youtube, soundcloud, and bandcamp.

i've also been working on a custom audio visualizer on the side! i'll be using it for the yt music uploads when that happens

< still very much a work in progress >

masterplan

i've been using masterplan for a while, and it's been working out great! i think this has helped me stay more organized than anything else i've used. huge shoutouts to @solarlunedev for making it :]

i mostly did a bit more organization and set up a reward system, which has worked out well so far!

< zoomed out; no spoilers here! >

< one pixel = a half hour of work, more on that in this post! also i had to substitute the brown for purple because the map doesn't have that color right now >

gameplay

i started working on a new level a couple weeks ago (the one in the picture at the top)! it's been going great so far, especially since i came in with the strong motivation to make it.

on top of that, i made a debug panel and console! this doesn't affect the actual gameplay, but it's really useful for optimizing the memory the game takes up, as well as other important factors. the console's been a big help as well, since i can use those commands to test things instead of hardcoding certain things. in fact, i used the console to set up the camera in the picture!

< what the panel looks like >

art & visuals

right now, there's some parts of the visual side that are well off, but there's still quite a bit to take care of. the only art i did in these past couple weeks was for the tileset and background of the new level, and one frame of the player sprites i've been putting off. my main priorities here are:

finish player sprites to a basic level at the very least

finish character references, especially since art fight is in less than a day

make emojis for the discord server (which i'll shamelessly plug again)

speaking of art fight, i'll be doing some art for that too this year! i'm on team stardust, and i might not be too active but i'll put some character there. here's my account btw

right now there's just some art block i need to work through, but once i'm past that i'll be back and better than ever!

what's next

i'll keep this part within bullet points, but for the next month, i want to:

do all the things in the art section

finish the level and start a new one

finish the masterplan maddy

have fun :]

if you made it this far, wow! this is the longest devlog i've made by a big margin, and it took me around an hour and a half to fully put together. if you're interested in this and want to support me, then please consider sharing this blog with your friends or giving this an rb. it would mean a lot to me <3

[kieranduffygirlporn]

gonna talk a bit about what it's been like for me the past couple days. just need to be heard and to type out all my thoughts & feelings about being an introject w/ an introject partner in all this. Hopefully you'll get something out of this

tw for abuse, disordered eating, very BPD happenings, one moment of suicidal ideation

warning: really fucking long and not the most organized thing in the world

I never talked about this here or really anywhere on any other blog but hi. I'm Ida. I'm the second host @/dearfauxpas and our system has seen since our syscovery. .... past this I literally cannot start to describe my identity without talking about Wilbur. I'm sat here struggling to conjure anything.

The reason for this is twofold. I, myself, am an introject, of a bit of art we have at the beginning of our main/art blog that kind of backfired because we never ended up posting much art. The second reason, and the main reason, is that my boyfriend is a cc!Wilbur introject in our system.

When we started dating two years ago, I was at probably one of the lowest points that I have been at as an alter myself. It was a month after I formed and I was still incredibly attached to my source. When I formed and even today, I am still the only alter in the system who has a feminine aligned gender. I changed my name to Ida the night I formed because I named myself after a pet I had in-source. My source (I'm sure you'll be shocked to know) was incredibly mentally ill, and as a result, I formed as a symptom holder for our worsening borderline symptoms. I've also only started talking about this to very close friends within the past couple days but our early relationship/the first six months was tumultuous. I was possessive, obsessive, and paranoid. I also had issues with thoughts of disordered eating and at one point went four days eating about the caloric equivalent of a single bagel per day because I was so depressed.

My system and particularly my love saved me. Over time, my paranoia that he'd leave me subsided, and we become much happier, which is what lead to me becoming the host as our previous host's mental health declined due to many factors.

During the span of our relationship, we played a lot into our introject identities (sootcest lmfao). I became a lot more independent from my source and recovered from a lot of my paranoia. I thought I had simply beaten our BPD traits, and that they were gone forever (with one exception). I thought my disordered eating thoughts had vanished and I was going to spend forever happy with him.

However, foolishly, because of this play we did with our introject identities, I allowed my feelings for my boyfriend to mix with my feelings for the actual person. I tried to maintain a degree of separation between the two, in that I would refrain from doing weird stalker shit and at some points I would be made uncomfortable with the stuff that he shared on stream because I wanted to know very little about him personally. But I let them mix, because hey, why not? We were having fun. There's no reason not to. It's not like he's an awful person, right?

Right?

Part 2: He's an awful person

There were a few points in which, mostly when other CC drama was at a high point, I'd ask myself a couple questions.

1. What would I do if my boyfriend ever left me?

2. What would I do if it came to light that Wilbur was a horrible human being?

The answer to number one was the exception to the thought that all my borderline symptoms had simply vanished, and, rather well-adjustedly, it was "Kill myself."* (*Like in headspace. I never thought it was worth it to kill the whole body over my own issues.)

The answer to number two was "I don't know."

And that is how I've been feeling since Wednesday night. I don't know.

At first, I thought there was no way it could be true. I searched for any information that could tell me that people were wrong. I literally blocked myself from Twitter because I knew going on it would be a form of emotional self-harm, but I obsessively checked tags on discourse, Shelby, and Wilbur, waiting for anyone to post any evidence that it wasn't so. I spent an entire day outside of home feeling completely nauseous any time I wasn't directly talking to someone.

It's hard to articulate exactly what it felt like once I got home to charge my phone and I knew. It was kind of slow. Every new piece of information I learned made it worse and worse until it was just undeniable.

It was like everything I thought I had buried came back with a vengeance. I stopped eating and drinking, my entire brain felt like it short circuited and previously when I had at least been able to focus on other things for short stints, he was all I could think about.

There were times, especially after I thought I had gotten rid of the borderline traits, that I would become hyperfixated on something that was my boyfriend or his source and it would feel like I was going to melt and die. I genuinely cannot be away from him for too long or my mental health will shit the bed. When I was with him, though, and when I filled every part of my senses with only him, his face, his voice, the way he holds me even if the feeling is blunted by the fact that he's just another part of our brain, it was always the happiest I'd ever feel. I can't have that anymore.

I really can't describe the mood swings and the physical pain that I've experienced as a result of this without feeling like people will think I am exaggerating. Like. psychology wasn't lying that borderline personality traits can really borderline. It feels like I'm losing half of what made me myself. I felt while crying over this multiple times that without him I'd die and that I need him to live. For two years, my entire identity and reason for existing was him.

I don't know where to go from here. I haven't even talked about how this is affecting my boyfriend. Before I felt like I had a good grasp on what I was going to be doing in the next minutes or hours or even days but now I can't even imagine what ten seconds will be.

My entire brain is constantly screaming for him to come back, but I can't indulge in anything that doesn't support the guy because every time I see his face or hear his voice now my brain screams that he is repulsive.

The worst part is that over the last two years I have become so conditioned to never ever be angry at my boyfriend that I cannot feel any rage over this. In any normal circumstance I'd feel angry that someone had been hurt and their abuser had been allowed to escape the consequences for so long, but I can't. I can only feel like I need him, but I can't have him because he's tainted. I am so disgusted but I can't handle seeing anyone angry at him because I still love him and I still want him to be happy.

I feel really gross knowing that I've dedicated so much of my love to someone so terrible. I know my boyfriend feels like his skin has been tainted and I am struggling now to look at his face and focus on him in headspace because it's now all painted in a negative life. It's so awful because he has always loved being himself and has always felt so connected to his source, even as the time passed.

Part 3: so what's the point

I've spent most of this time feeling completely alone. I don't know anyone personally who could possibly feel the same way that I do.

I guess I just want anyone who reads this, who feels alone like I do, or feels like they're not reacting in the "right" way to understand that it's okay. You aren't alone. No matter how isolated you feel or like your problems are entirely unique to you, there is someone out there who understands. And also there's a very slim chance that you'll ever be more cringe than me.

The grieving process is ugly and it is agonizing. If anyone wants to DM me on this blog or another, to share anything they're thinking, like really anything at all there's a lot I didn't cover on this post, I will listen.

And to any introjects, I love you. We can make it through. We have survived so much worse. You don't have to be anybody but yourself. And be careful out there. If you become so mixed up in someone's source like we did, please plan an out. Don't make the same mistake I did and just assume it would all be fine forever. There's a very real chance it doesn't.

[bitter-sweet-farmgirl]

The Wormhole, Part 1

Long time no see, Tumblr friends!  To put it simply, college and real life have been my focus for these past few months and now that things are (hopefully) slowing down a bit for the summer, I hope to maybe scroll this hellsite more often than once a month.  

Writer’s block has also been defeated (for the moment) and I’ve got a fun new story in the works.  This one here is just one I’ve been sitting on for awhile.  Enjoy!  

Character Relationships:  Thorin Oakenshield x Modern!Female OC

Content Warning(s):  Mentions of manipulative behavior from an ex-boyfriend and his appearance.

Summary:  Reverse of the “Girl falls into Middle Earth” trope.  Thorin finds himself mysteriously transported to the modern world after surviving BOTFA and winds up in the care of a New York Academy of Arts teacher, Estel Cavanah.  She has no idea why this man is so incompetent with the day’s technology.  

“…And as you can see, the honey shade matches up pretty well with Nashville blue.  The darker tones cool the orange.”  I paused to glance at the clock on the other side of the room.  The neon red numbers signaled the looming end of my class period.

Or, by the way my students were shuffling in their seats and surreptitiously packing away pen and paper, perhaps it was more of a couldn’t-come-soon-enough.  

“Seeing as we are almost out of time, I’ll let you all go. See you on Friday!”  I smiled as the room immediately erupted into a flurry of movement.  The students, all eager to head home to relax at the end of a long day, feverishly packed up the last of their things and filed out of the room.  It was almost insulting how quickly they wanted to leave my class.  But I could understand their hurry; I had been a student once, and no matter how much I loved art, sometimes I couldn’t wait to get out of the classroom.

I turned to my own desk to pack up my stuff for the day, only to pause when a knock broke the silence.  Annoyance sprung to life at the thought of having to spend more time here when I could be at home.

Slowly, I turned around, wondering what student had dropped by.  But it wasn’t a student.  The person wasn’t even a resident of the state!

“Zach, what are you doing here?!”  I asked incredulously, unable to believe that the man was even standing in my doorway.  “You live in North Carolina!”  

“I came here to talk with you,” he said.  I shot him a look.  

“Zach, there is a reason phones were invented. Besides, what is so important that you come up to New York without calling me?”  I asked, propping my hands on my hips.  Then another thought occurred to me.  A much darker and more disturbing thought.  “How did you even know where I was?  We haven’t talked since high school!”

Zach just shrugged, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans as he walked further into my classroom.  “That’s not really important, Estel—”  

“Oh, I really think it is…”

“…I just wanted to see if you wanted to get back together.  I think we made a mistake when we broke up.”  Zach kept walking, and I began to feel the cold chills of anxiety trickle down my spine.  I stepped behind my desk, putting it between me and him.

I really didn’t think he would do anything, but at the same time, it felt like a very real possibility.

“Zach, we dated in high school.  We’re adults now.  If it didn’t work out then, I don’t think it will work out now.  Now, get out of here before I call security.”  I made a show of picking up my cell phone and unlocking it.  

He stopped walking, finally taking his hands out of his pockets to raise them in the air.  “Woah, slow down girl.  Let’s just talk, okay?  Just because we didn’t work out in high school doesn’t mean we won’t work out now.”

“I really don’t think it does…  And don’t tell me what to do, Zach.  You’re the one who’s shown up out of the blue after stalking me!” My finger hovered over the keypad on my phone, waiting to dial the campus police.  

“I’m not stalking you!”  The words burst out of Zach like an avalanche.  Immediately, his face became apologetic, and he took another step towards me.  “I’m sorry, that was rude of me, Estel…”

Instantly, I was brought back to my days as a high schooler trying to figure out both my life and manage a boyfriend at the same time. Everything pointed towards us becoming high school sweethearts.  Then one day the daydream shattered.  I was introduced to just who my boyfriend really was, and he wasn’t the man I had thought he was.  

Early on in our relationship, he’d stood behind me in my goals and dreams.  When I said that I wanted to be a teacher, he told me to follow my heart.  But when the topic came up again a few months later, he wasn’t as supportive.  

To put a long story short, he wanted to get married young and start a family.  My going away to college in a different state would put a damper on his goals.  That made me the selfish one in the relationship.

And he didn’t want that.  He did his best to hold on to our relationship and convince me to stay with him, but in the end I had to be true to myself and follow the path my heart was leading me on.  

I wasn’t sad when it ended; I felt freer than I had felt in what seemed like forever.  And the saying about hindsight being 20/20 was a constant presence in my mind as I went over our relationship.  I noticed manipulative behaviors that I hadn’t picked up on before. I realized how lucky I was to get out of it early.  To be true enough to myself not to give up my dreams for a guy.

Gathering my courage, I slipped my laptop into my bag. “No, I don’t want to hear anything from you.  We aren’t ever getting back together, Zach.  I don’t even know why you would think that.  Now, I have to go.”  Grabbing my bag, I slung it over my shoulder.  Holding my phone—keypad at the ready—I marched past Zach.

I left him behind just like I had all those years ago.  No glances over my shoulder for one last glimpse.  I just wanted to go home where I felt safe.  

The walk to my car had never felt longer, even in the broad daylight.  Clicking the button on my fob to unlock it, I pulled open the door and threw my bag in before climbing into the driver seat.  As I sat and collected my bearings, a niggling thought rose in my brain.

If Zach knew where I was teaching, chances were he knew exactly where I lived.  Right down to the apartment number.  

All of a sudden, home no longer felt as comforting. It felt dangerous to go back to, despite how much I wanted to.  And I had no choice.

Scanning the parking lot, I pulled out of my space.

~~~

I showed up early at the stable I worked at part-time, not feeling safe at my apartment.  Coincidentally, it was also owned by my brother who was too busy managing the family estates down in Havana to spend much time managing it.  That job fell to me as his little sister.  

The black sheep of the family.

I could only hope that Zach didn’t know about it. Maybe I could buy a sleeping bag and camp out in one of the empty stalls for the night…  Or text Ash and see if I could crash at her apartment for the night. She wouldn’t refuse me.

At least, not if her on-again, off-again boyfriend, Mike, wasn’t around.  Then I really didn’t want to be in the same flat.

Pulling out my phone, I unlocked it and began typing out the message to her when the bugling of a stallion ripped through the air. I frowned, the noise out of place at the normally serene stable.  

Then I heard the screaming.  

Shoving my phone in my pocket and throwing open the door, I bolted out of my car and towards the one pasture that contained a stallion.  The most ill-tempered beast I’d ever had the displeasure of handling.  Although, given that I didn’t get involved too much with horses, wasn’t really saying much.

Quickly catching up to a teen who was also hurrying towards the commotion, I grabbed their arm to stop them.  “Grab a lead rope!”  I gasped before taking off again.  I could only wonder which cocky new teenage boy had decided that he would be the one guy Ferrari—the stallion—liked.  

And exactly how much legal trouble I was about to get into.

Turning the corner to the gate of the paddock, I stopped and did a double take.  The man currently dangling from the mouth of the bay stud definitely was not one of the kids employed here.  Nor did he look like the sort that frequented prestigious stables like this one.  He looked more like a well-kept hobo than anything.

“GET THIS BLOODY HORSE OFF ME!”  The man bellowed, catching sight of me standing like an idiot on the outside of the paddock.  

I snapped out of the daze I’d gone into and looked around wildly for the stable hand I’d stopped earlier.  “Where’s a lead rope!?”

I was answered only by a stream of curses from the man as Ferrari shook him like a ragdoll.  Then pounding footsteps heralded the arrival of the kid with a lead rope.  

Snatching it out of his hand, I jumped the fence and sprinted towards the grappling pair.  “Ferrari!”  I screamed, trying to get his attention on me and away from the unknown man.  “Ferrari!”  

But the stallion paid no attention to me and continued to grind his teeth into the shoulder of the man he had cornered.  

As Ferrari tightened his grip, the man swung at him, calling him a variety of colourful names as he tried to pull away from the stallion.  

I darted in, clipping the lead rope onto Ferrari’s halter.  Then I swatted his rump with the end of the rope to get his attention.  Instantly, Ferrari dropped the man and went after me. Jumping out of the way of his teeth, I waved my hands at the man now crumpled on the ground.

“Get out of the pasture!  Go!”  I yelled at him, dodging Ferrari again.  “He hates men!”  

The man didn’t move, and I began to worry about what it would mean if he was dead.  Probably more legal troubles than if he was injured, that was for sure.  Beckett was going to be absolutely thrilled.  

“Estel, I’ll take him!”  A feminine voice called, and I shot a quick glance over my shoulder towards the stable.  Chelsea—one of the most experienced horsewomen employed here—was jogging towards me.  

As she approached, Ferrari began to calm down.  Chelsea had a way with him that none of the other female employees had.  His ears were stilled pinned tightly back and he danced in place, but he wasn’t trying to bite me anymore.

“Hey, Ferrari…”  She cooed, taking the lead rope from me, and stroking his nose.  Ferrari snorted suspiciously.  “Come here, boy.  Let’s get you inside, huh?”  She pulled gently on the rope and led Ferrari away.

That left me with the unfortunate man who had found himself in Ferrari’s pasture.  As I ran over to him, he suddenly pushed himself up off the ground, clutching his shoulder and grimacing in pain.

“Sir, are you alright?”  I asked, dropping onto my knees beside him.  From a distance, he’d looked like one of the bums that littered the streets of New York, but up close was a different story.

He obviously had some concept of hygiene—he certainly smelled nice—and his beard was neatly trimmed.  And as he raised his head to look at me, he revealed startling blue eyes that pierced me with a distrusting gaze.  

“I’m fine.”  He spat in a voice that carried the thickness of an unfamiliar accent.  “Where am I?”

“Blacktop Stables in New York.  Now, I think I should take a look at your shoulder. Ferrari is a man-hater, and it looked like he had you good.”  I reached out to gently pull his hand away from his shoulder.

He let out a short laugh.  “Horses have never liked me.  You have healer training then?”  He asked, resisting my attempts to pull his hand away so I could look at Ferrari’s handiwork.

“If by healer training, you mean medical training, then yes, I know a little.”  He dropped his hand, revealing a slobber-soaked fur vest.  “Umm…  I think I’ll need you to remove your shirt…”  

He grunted, unbuckling the belt that held the vest closed before shrugging it off.  A dark blue, velvet looking coat followed directly after.  The movement of his arm caused him to grimace and let out a hiss of pain.  Beneath it was a metallic sort of shirt that looked like some sort of armor.  He pulled the armor shirt over his head, leaving him in only a blue shirt that reached almost to his knees.  

“Blast…”  He hissed through clenched teeth.  Gingerly, he lowered his injured arm back to his side.

By this point, I felt like I was watching the clothing version of a clown car.  I couldn’t help but wonder if he had another two shirts underneath this one.  

Unbuttoning what I guessed was called a ‘tunic’, his upper body was finally revealed.  And it made the artist in me want to weep tears of joy.

If ever there was a perfect body, he had to have it. Thick, muscled arms hung from broad shoulders.  There wasn’t a speck of fat on his torso to hide the chiseled abs this man possessed. And he was able to make it look like the most natural thing in the world, unlike some of those shirtless male models I had tried to use as inspiration in the past.  

“You said you have healer training?”  

The distinctly masculine voice broke me out of my…reverie.  Quickly, I focused my gaze on his face.  Away from the abs that I was itching to sketch.  

“Uh, yeah.  Let me take a look here…”  I peered at the bite mark on his shoulder.  Ferrari had left him deep indents of his teeth, but the skin hadn’t been broken.  Already I could see the purple bruising characteristic with horse bites forming in a wide circle around the bite marks.  His excessive layers of clothes had saved him from a much worse injury.

Not that he wouldn’t go through hell in the coming weeks.  Bites of this severity literally made you unable to move the arm without excruciating pain for weeks.  

“Will I live?”  The question was quiet, and I glanced up to see a whisper of a smile on his face.  Oddly, I got the sense that this wasn’t an unfamiliar question for him to ask.  

“I can almost guarantee you will,” I shot him a small smile.  “Just put some ice on it, take some ibuprofen, and try not to use that arm much for a few weeks.”

He frowned.  “Ibuprofen?  What is that?”

The fact that he was unaware of one of the most basic over-the-counter drugs was baffling.  Everybody knew what ibuprofen was!  

“It’s a medicine you can take if the bite hurts too much.  And from what I’ve heard, a bite like yours hurts like hell.”  I explained, leaning back on my heels.  “If you aren’t able to get any, I could give you some.”  

“No, I’ve had worse than a horse bite.”  He dismissed my offering.  “Now, you said we were in someplace called New York?  Is that on the Anduin?”

I stared at him.  “The Anduin?  I’ve never heard of that.  New York is a state in the United States.  East coast?”  

The look I got back told me he’d never heard of any of it.

This whole thing was weird.  First he showed up out of the blue in Ferrari’s pasture.  The same pasture that had seven-foot fencing supplemented with electric wire and was surrounded by private ground.  And somebody would have stopped him inside the stable.  

Second, there was the whole deal with his clothing.  It looked nothing like anything made today. That and he wore armor.  To be quite frank, it didn’t even look like it was from this world.

Third, he had never heard of the US before, and he was living in it.  

Or maybe I was turning into one of those off-the-grid hippies who believed in UFOs.  There had to be a logical explanation for all this.  It wasn’t like he actually had come from a different world.  That was preposterous.

He probably just hit his head or something when Ferrari was slinging him around.  I reasoned with myself.  He’s probably just a little confused right now.

Standing up, I motioned for the man to join me. “Follow me and I can get you a bandage for your shoulder…”  I paused, waiting for him to introduce himself.

“Thorin,” the man supplied with a nod of his head.  “At your service.”

“Estel, uh, at yours.”  I fumbled, hoping I hadn’t just entered into some deal with the man.  Turning around, I took one look at the stables and felt my heart stop beating in my chest.

Zach was standing at the gate of the paddock.

“Oh, no….”  I whispered, frozen in place.  I’d felt so sure that he’d had no idea that I worked here.  Beckett certainly didn’t advertise by using me.  “He followed me…”  

“Is something wrong?”  Thorin asked from behind me.  I looked back over my shoulder at him, taking in his broad frame. He had his clothes bundled up in his arms, hiding his torso from the world.  Dark brown hair sprawled across his shoulders, untamed by any sort of hair tie.

“Um,” I looked back over at Zach.  He was staring at Thorin; a small frown on his face as he took him in.  Automatically, I began formulating my “it’s not what you think” speech in my head.  I knew what it looked like.  A man and a woman out in a field, alone.

Except…That was exactly what would get him off my back. If I was a taken woman, he couldn’t come after me.  

“Thorin, I know this is asking a lot, given that we don’t know each other, but I really need you to pretend you’re my boyfriend. He,” I nodded over in Zach’s direction, “is my ex from a long time ago and he’s been stalking me, trying to get back together.  I just need you to pretend for like a day and then we can part ways.”  I pleaded, looking up into light blue eyes.  

Thorin stared back at me, then glanced up to look at Zach.  “You don’t want his attentions?”  He asked, and I nodded.

“Yeah, I just want him to leave me alone,” I sighed. The defeat I felt over my helplessness must have carried into my voice, because the iciness began to fade from his eyes.  

“You’ve told him this?”  His voice took on a gentler tone.

“I made it very clear, and he obviously didn’t listen.”

“Then I will pretend to be your…boyfriend.”  He agreed, a small smile turning up the corners of his mouth.  Instantly, his tough, rough-hewn aura faded to be replaced with a sense of security. “He will not lay a finger on you, Miss Estel.”

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[fancysasquatch]

Just saw the new Hunger Games movie after obsessively consuming the book over the course of the past few days. 900+ word review below the cut. Spoiler warning for Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, obviously, but spoiler warning for William Friedkin's Bug (2006) too.

The short version of this is going to be that the movie works fine enough on it's own, but is very disappointing as an adaptation to a book I really enjoyed.

Before I start getting into negatives, I'll start with what I liked. The acting was overall fine. Jason Schwartzman was no Stanley Tucci as the tv host but he was still pretty good. Viola Davis knocked it out of the park as the mad scientist Dr. Gaul. Peter Dinklage didn't have much to do outside of one monologue at the end which was ruined by poor direction.

I also really liked the art design of the movie. The brutalist architecture was reminiscent of post-war Europe, particularly the Soviet Union. The military uniforms were sufficiently Nazi-esque without being tasteless. I saw a social realist-style poster in the background in District 12. The technology in the Capitol had a postwar Mid-century Modern aesthetic while in the poorer districts it looked like older technology from the 30s and 40s (including a video chatting device that looked like a candlestick telephone). Altogether it conveyed the idea that this happened decades ago, in relation to the original trilogy, and took place not too long after a major war. Very well done.

Now to get into the parts I didn't like too much. I'm still too much of a philistine to pay much attention to the directing/editing/cinematography side of things during my first viewing of a movie, but there were a few things that stood out to me. As I mentioned, Peter Dinklage has a monologue at the end which could have been very good it it wasn't filmed in flat shot-reverse shot with uninteresting framing, blocking, set design, and lighting. There was also a moment in the middle of the film which where the main characters have their last conversation the night before one will be fighting and possibly dying in the Hunger Games, but most of it is filmed in a profile shot of their faces leaning into towards the bars of her cage. The visual metaphor was a bit too on-the-nose, and the shot itself was framed in an awkwardly claustrophobic way.

That was all preamble though, and the bulk of this review is about the writing, specifically how they condensed a 500 page book into a 150 page screenplay. Obviously a lot had to be cut or shortened, and sometimes they did it well. For instance, the first minute or two covers several different page-long flashbacks which tell you all you really need to know. But some changes really hurt the pacing and even quality of the story.

The first part of the book covers the month leading up to the Hunger Games, but the movie condenses that down into a few days, so everything seems rushed because you have a week's worth of plot development happening in a single busy afternoon. The two main characters fall in love after meeting 5(?) times for a total of about 30 minutes. There was also a scene rewritten for no reason which was completely ruined, where a girl willingly sticks her hand into a cage of snakes she nows will attack her rather than admit to lying about helping on an essay (in the book she's tricked into it as part of a cruel test).

Almost the entirety of the Hunger Games itself was rewritten, although that's something I was fine with because it was different but not worse. The games as written would have been boring, and the version they had was a solid ~30 minute substitute.

The last section of the movie might have been butchered even worse than the beginning. A lot of that section of the book is Snow experiencing a simpler life in District 12, so when he gets a chance to go back to the capital there's a question of whether he chooses that life or his new life, which plays into the books themes of control and freedom. The movie barely shows his new life, so it's more of a question of whether he gets everything he wants in life or some girl he met two weeks ago he sorta likes.

The climax is also heavily bungled. Instead of his paranoia getting the better of him during one of his downward spirals, causing him to turn on Lucy Gray when he thinks she turns on him, she actually just turns on him. It's possible for a movie to capture losing your grip on reality like that, like the climax of Bug where the main duo feed into one another's mania until they burn themselves alive (that movie rules btw), but this movie didn't use any of the moviemaking techniques that . She also pretty unambiguously survives which is worse than the book, where her fate is left up to interpretation like the Wordsworth poem she's named after.

Just in general this movie suffers because it lacks the insight that came from the book being from Snow's point of view. We lose all of his internality, good and bad, so he's much flatter and less consistent. That theme of control vs freedom I mentioned runs throughout the book, but mostly in his internal dialogue, so in the movie we just get a few disjointed "this is what I believe" monologues from various characters that don't work as well.

To end on a positive note, I'll say there was one more change I liked. At the end of the movie, Snow's cousin Tigris very visibly sees Snow for what he is and is reasonably scared of him, which is better than in the book where they're all one big happy family.

[stick-named-figure]

somewhat long winded and ramble-y musing below the cut. tenuously related to ava but mostly personal.

i think another reason that ava/m (ava especially of course) appealed to us so much is that it's very obviously an interaction between art and the artist. And also creation and creator (which is a separate but similar category) which is something that I've craved in works for a very long time but only recently really came to that realization through trying to see why AVA stuck around with me for so long.

I think it's this sort of idea that art says something about a person (Which is not an invitation to try and make statements about me from my art by the way) but the emotions I try to throw out through art.

This post kind of materialized because I was thinking about whether I should tag my self shipping art as AVM ships, since of course my sona is not canonical [citation needed]. I then figured that blocking the tag "sona" would accomplish the same effect, since I have no real intention of drawing said sona outside of self ship art.

And then I started thinking, this sona exists only in relation to another. I am someone who has had sonas in the past that were very much individual from others (as in had no prerequisite others to include for their existence in art) but Eve, as a sona and a self, exists as a necessity for others. My canonical pronouns are not known but Eve's (sona) are meant to match King's.

(Because I'm about to just start saying things, I have to mention that I'm well aware my relation to identities [especially my own] is not the average experience).

Along these lines I've also realized that the rest of my self perception is primarily built out of the way I am experienced by others, and thus my self is then a group project. This is reminiscent of egregores but I can only read so much on occultism before I start seeing conspiratorial lines of thought that trouble me. However, the point remains that I perceive myself as non-human but rather than in a "diminutive" manner (such as common things as animals or small things) it's in more of an abstraction of behavior and perception.

Which is then maybe a long winded way of saying that I have introspected the self out of myself. I was rather obsessed with labeling myself a few years ago (or, pointedly, finding "respectable" terms for myself that were not too out there) and have since long passed into a label-less state. This seems to have come about at the expense of my identity then as well, down to the point where I was nameless for a few months[1][2].

I'm not so sure I find myself distressed by this lack of self, since it seems mostly other's prerogative to label and classify me to whatever is most convenient for them. So it's that way that I think I find myself basing myself on others perception. Because I don't really have the time or energy to find a self in here that I can pin down and make into a solid object. If I try it will slip away eventually anyway.

I think that I change every day. And if I tried to find something to cling to then it would dissolve so quickly I'd be trying to hold water in my hands. And for a very long time I have been ashamed and nervous about how I treat myself and my interests since they never seem to stick around (which is in great part because of my ADHD and autism from what I understand) but understanding it like this seems much more relaxing, that I am what I need to be in each moment and then allow myself to change when the path is the one of least resistance.

---

I might as well start using footnotes. As offline life often requires, I still went by some name. However, even in my most "genuine" states I found a lack of a name appropriate.

It should also be stated that Eve was picked as a rather quick choice because I had jokingly adopted another friend's name and was soon going to be visiting her. I could probably make some literary analysis on that choice because I'm already treating myself as a character.

[eurynomeart]

Happy Thanksgiving and late Halloween! I’ve thankfully come back from the dead. 🎃🧟🦃

This is an older piece I made last month featuring my pumpkin head oc, Poncho. I forgot to post on Halloween, so better late than never I guess. I’ve been trying to get past some art block after wrapping up Art Fight from this year, and got two part time jobs as well to try and make ends meet. So needless to say, a lot has been going on and it’s part of the reason why I’ve kinda vanished for the last few months. I’m slowly getting back into a rhythm though, and I’ve decided to do a few art events through discord as well to keep myself drawing as well. I’ve slowly been making content that I’m excited to share, and I’ve also been doing a lot of crocheting as well that I might post too. Either way, I’m more than thankful to be getting back into drawing again, and for you guys to still be here despite me once again falling off the face of the earth.💙

If you like my style and my work, my commissions are open! Just dm me for more information, comment below, or check the link in my bio. Or go to my Redbubble where you can find my designs and pieces as stickers, pins, hats, and the like! If cash is tight and you still want to support, just remember to like, save, share, and maybe even follow along for some fun art. Hope you all have a wonderful rest of your day!

[thefloofartist]

CanonSeeker - RWBY’s very own Chris-chan

Hi, this is Floof here. Here's my CanonSeeker/AnswerSeeker/FallingLeaf4/Eren/YehUda story because I'm seeing him spread lies about me and my friends here on Tumblr. Since I deleted my old Twitter account, I have gone out of my way to avoid all kinda of drama because I don't dabble or engage with that anymore, but it seems Seeker has forced my hand.

Where should I start? Pretty much everyone's spoken about what he's been up to. From harassing artists, to stalking RWBY fans and critics alike over various platforms on the internet, Seeker can't take "no" for an answer. If anyone says anything that's even the tiniest, unrealistically small margin that could be interpreted as "being negative about RWBY", he will blow up in people's faces and post about them in the worst manner possible. He's aggressive, rude, manipulative, and so two-faced that the second his "friends" do a slip up, he turns on them. When he’s confronted, he changes his account names, deletes tweets/messages to hide the evidence to make his opposition look bad. He will also engage in conversation with his sockpuppet accounts to pretend they’re not him, and once the sockpuppet is discovered to be him, he deletes the account or renames them to hide the evidence again.

Why does Seeker do this? He fervently believes what he does will make the RWBY fanbase a "positive safe space". It's very nonsensical considering Seeker's choice of actions, but he's religiously devoted to this idea. So much so that he has spent thousands upon thousands of dollars commissioning Taiyang x Summer fanart because he believes it's an underrepresented ship and wants canon confirmation that Taiyang is Ruby's father, something very few people dispute to begin with. At minimum, he has spent upwards of $4,000. At most, he’s spent over $10,000. On RWBY fanart.

The reason I learned Seeker existed was from fellow FRWBY artists seeing him spam the comment’s section with various sockpuppet accounts. Fallingleaf4, Eren, Yeh Uda, etc. He would post comment after comment with nothing but insults and making outrageous claims that were quickly debunked by other commentators, pointing out he never bothered to watch the content he was insulting to begin with. Seeker continued doing this for months on end. I had been exercising restraint and refrained from making a public post about him at the time since I did not want to involve myself with RWBY drama. Not to mention other FRWBY artists had already talked about him publicly so I felt that I didn’t have to involve myself. Fast forward to the present, I found out he made a close friend of mine very uncomfortable and insulted another friend of mine for artwork they had drawn which was the last straw. I compiled just about everything I knew about him and made this post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/RWBYcritics/comments/tp2u2f/answerseeker_the_epitome_of_toxic_positivity/

Seeker didn’t take too well to that. He claimed and spread the lie that I “doxxed” him. In reality, all I did was talk about his actions and named every single account of his that I knew of and provided links to all of them, suggesting to users that they block him. I did not provide links or name any account that might lead to sensitive information about him it was a post to warn people about his two-faced antics. I'm no longer part of the RWBY community, to the point that I actively block RWBY fans on sight with a few exceptions (aka, very close friends). I don't want to see RWBY on my timeline. I don't want to interact with RWBY or its community. The most interaction I've done with RWBY for the past two years is design environments and draw artwork for Celtic Phoenix's "Fixing RWBY" series. I don't make RWBY animation analysis videos anymore. (The most recent one was a video started in very early 2020 that I begrudgingly finished late last year.) I’d rather just stream games or stream drawing art. I don’t want to waste more time bickering about a cartoon that no longer appeals to me. People are/were tired of me bickering about RWBY and I’m tired of bickering about it too.

With that said, I'd like Seeker to stop necroing posts about me from 3+ years ago that I have long since denounced and apologized for. I'd like Seeker to stop stalking me and my friends on social media. Seeker is far more toxic than I ever was at my worst, as Seeker is a 32 year old man harassing so many people that it's now become a matter of who Seeker HASN'T harassed yet. He cannot be trusted. He cannot be reasoned with. He's a liar, a fraud, a fake, and I don't want anything to do with him when the worst I've done to offend him so is call him out for his horrible actions towards people I know.

People like Seeker are why I actively stay far, FAR away from the RWBY fanbase. I much rather prefer retweeting and posting about floofs and cute animals. I can finally be myself on Twitter instead of an edgy, shitty dumbass who was an asshole most of the time. Fluff is love, fluff is life.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

P.S.: For context on the one picture he’s necroing that I drew of Blake kissing Adam over Yang... That’s an Utena reference. It’s also one that surprisingly supports Bumblebee. For context, Jury (Yang) is in love with Shiori (Blake), but Shiori believes Jury is in love with Random Guy (Adam), so Shiori takes him away from Jury as Shiori believes Jury is in love with him. Except, Jury (Yang) was actually in love with Shiori (Blake) all along, and she’s hurt by this cruel betrayal.

[neon-moon-beam]

Regarding Angst And Burnout

I am in no way attacking people who enjoy angst, write it, create art of it, etc. I understand people may find it enjoyable or cathartic, and you’re allowed to create what you want, express yourself, etc. This isn’t me gatekeeping or telling people how to interpret characters (and doing so would be ridiculous). These are just my opinions and experiences for the past three months regarding Submas and PLA.

This might be a bit disorganized and maybe a bit rambling, but I’m less concerned about that with this post as I would be with a reassurance post.

Bl*nkshippers dni—I will block you.

Under a cut for PLA spoilers and length.

I’ve been playing Pokemon almost my whole life. It’s something that comes and goes for me. I’ve had periods where I was playing the games a lot, and periods where I wasn’t concerned with it whatsoever. A few years prior to 8th Gen was one of the latter. Then SwSh was released, my roommate, @1863-project, and I picked up Pokemon again, the pandemic hit and with so much of our lives put on hold (it was much harder to distance in NYC—we had to give up on doing so much for a while because it was not safe), we both started hyperfixating on Pokémon. I eventually ended up creating this tumblr back in February as a place for me to post about it.

We were both fans of Submas before PLA was released. 1863-project has her own reasons for liking Submas which she has talked about a lot, such as here. I have my own reasons, which have to do with more recent events for me. Part of the appeal of Submas (for us) is that canonically, they didn’t have any angst or drama going on, no tragic backstory. They were just two people who ran the Battle Subway in Unova. They were eccentric and allowed to be so. Sure you could find angsty fics or art, but none of it was really based on the games, and it was easier to avoid. By and large, the content was just slice of life. (Of course there were other problems, like bl*nkshipping, other problematic ships, ableist depictions, but this post isn’t about that, and on Pixiv at least, people had tags for some these things to give people the option to avoid it).

That being said, I do not consider myself part of the Submas fandom. I might be a fan of Submas, but I don’t really partake in the fandom aspects of it, at least the way tumblr is concerned. Part of this is because of the content heavily leaning towards angst right now. The other is that I just don’t have time for or care for fandom things. I have other things going on in my life, and I also prefer to be offline for most of my activities and socialization. I also feel like fandom requires near-constant content creation, which can be exhausting. It seems like to be involved in fandom you have to constantly be creating art, writing fics, recreating memes, posting headcanons, or at least constantly sharing these things. I would feel like I was not allowed to create at my own pace, or create content for myself or the people I’d like to, and that would burn me out. I’m also not a fan of au stuff, and I only like to talk headcanons with people I personally know (which is why I accept headcanons from 1863-project, and why she knows the very few that I have). Having to be constantly on top of fandom things to partake in it is unappealing to me.

I do make reassurance posts because I spent, and still spend, a lot of time talking reassurance with 1863-project as we’re both concerned that the game devs might not return Ingo. Soon after creating this tumblr, I realized from a cursory look in the tags that other people might want reassurance too, so I began making posts about any evidence I could find in-game, the overall tone of the series, potential hints in PokeMas, and a few other things, like more recently, whether or not the concept art of Ingo (specifically the time frame) is canon or if it was unused due to major discrepancies in the game.

Going back to Submas content, there was less content right up until it leaked that Ingo would be in PLA as he is because we were now three Gens past Submas’ last official in-game appearance, though there was a brief resurgence due to their inclusion in PokeMas starting in July 2021. Then the leak happened about a week before PLA was released, and the angst content went uh…off the rails.

I used to seek out Submas content, but in the wake of PLA I find myself avoiding it for my own mental health. I don’t find comfort or entertainment in angst, and especially not angst without a happy ending. There are several potential reasons for this, but I do know that currently I’d much rather see slice of life, comedy, shitposts (that are not based around Submas being separated), and if there is angst or hardship, I want to see it pay off with a happy ending.

Part of my problem with PLA itself and part of why I’m burned out on it (last time I played it was nearly two weeks ago), is in addition to it being a shorter game and running out of things to do, it doesn’t conclude. When you start the game up for the first time and see the player character pulled from their own time and place back to Hisui by Arceus, it feels like the point of the game is to complete the PokeDex and go home. Instead, the player is given part of Arceus and told to enjoy exploring Hisui. What exploration is left? You’ve completed the PokeDex. Besides shiny hunting, all we’re left with is any missions the player may not have completed during the main storyline and anything at the Training Grounds, and rematches. An event the game seems to be building up to never happens. Personally, I felt empty when I finished the game. And to top off the player character being left in limbo, so was a character that had come to be one of my favorites. If Ingo hadn’t been sent to Hisui, I might have enjoyed this game a bit more and simply found the current ending unsatisfying, but not a huge deal. Instead the game leaves everyone hanging on the main storyline, Ingo, heck, even the details regarding Volo’s backstory and motivations, everything about Cogita, and a few smaller situations we see along the way. And the PLA guide book that came out recently not only does not give us any answers as to why Ingo was sent to Hisui or if he goes home, but instead threw concept art at us with no further context, which caused some people to worry or even panic. I am hoping a DLC comes out for the game that can finally put everyone at ease, or we get confirmation everything is OK in Gen 9, because right now it feels like the lack of context and conclusion is negatively impacting a lot of people’s experience with this game. I know it has been for me.

With the game being the way it currently is, I don’t need any additional content to make me feel worse. But this is often what I get when I’m given suggestions on sites of topics or accounts to follow, or if I happen to venture into the tags in the hopes of finding non-angst content. This was actually how I found out about the concept art; a post about it was forced into my feed based on other accounts I was following as well as the fact that everyone was in crisis mode over it (crisis mode is why I made a few posts, here and here, about it). There’s also an issue I’ve seen brought up that there’s no real way to filter content; many people do not use tags specifically for angst content, or in some cases at all, so the most you can do is avoid the tags altogether or start blocking people. I know some people cope or find comfort in angst, and I’m not saying nobody should ever create content like that, or trying to police what people post. But I’m seeing so much of angst for the sake of angst. I’ve seen people say they came to the Submas fandom for the angst. I’m seeing Ingo and Emmet being portrayed completely out of character for angst. If you’re not a fan of angst, it can get so exhausting to see characters you enjoy experiencing so much pain and sadness. I’ve even seen posts from people who do like angst, but have become burnt out by the constant barrage of it. When you have a series and/or characters that you went to for comfort or a break from other things you might be dealing with suddenly be turned by others into a dumping ground for angst, it feels alienating, and like you’re being kicked out of your own space. I said recently I feel like the fandom angst will take Ingo and Submas from me before the games officially resolve the plot.

At times, it feels like I’m not allowed to enjoy PLA or Submas on my terms, or there’s little to no space for people who don’t want the angst content. Obviously I am allowed to enjoy it, and so is anyone else, and there should be and is space for non-angst content, but it’s hard to not feel like an outsider when it seems like the general consensus of other fans is that everyone wants to see angst.

Most people seem to respect when others do not want angst forced on them, but a few times I’ve experienced, or have seen others experience someone ignore our requests to not be sent it. I always include disclaimers on my reassurance posts, but a few times I’ve been messaged theories or rebuttals by someone who thinks or prefers Ingo not go home. 1863-project asked after the initial PLA leaks if anyone had any information that Ingo goes home and instead had a few people send her content that was very much not what she had asked for or wanted. I made a PSA about this before, but if you enjoy the angst, or just don’t want Ingo to go home, please don’t force this on people who don’t want it. You’re allowed to like and want angst, and others are allowed to not.

I was hoping the guide book would help the overall situation by giving us some answers, and in turn create a path for more hopeful content, but it didn’t really do so. The biggest reassurance I can offer is nothing regarding the alleged timeframe for Ingo’s arrival in Hisui adds up in game, and the “Ingo is over 50” was a joke made by an earlier poster of the content; there’s no confirmation of his age anywhere, and neither he nor Emmet have ever been given official ages to date. That being said, if you want reassurance that he doesn’t have a receding hairline or that he’s still a younger adult, I can’t give you that. People don’t stay young forever, and older people or people who start aging early don’t need to vanish just because they don’t fit society’s beauty standards…or your personal preferences or headcanons. I haven’t seen real discourse around this, and I’m hoping references to the alleged discourse are jokes or exaggerations. We haven’t gotten confirmation as to whether or not Ingo looking like that without his hat is canon, but if it is, you’re allowed to have headcanons that he has fluffy hair, a long braid or whatever, but be mindful of how your attitude/the way you talk about it may come off to older fans, or fans with hair like him. No matter what they do to him, whether his hair is receding, or he goes back or not, he’s still Ingo.

I’m going to continue to provide reassurance posts, breakdown of content, shitposts, and possibly even some theories regarding PLA and Ingo. Right now I’m just feeling very burnt out, especially given the guide book illustration fallout.

[piratewithvigor]

How I listen to each of my favourite bands (a bullet point piece)

Aerosmith: They're on the radio. It's the fifth time today. Somehow never the same song. Until tomorrow, anyway. One will make you homesick. One will make you sit in slack-jawed awe of Joe Perry. One will make you curse the day he was born. They all make you love him. In the back of your mind, your thumbs hurt.

The Beatles: You have all the studio albums on your iPod nano with the scroll wheel. It has 2GB of space, so there's nothing else. You sing along to the songs with your best friend in 7th grade during school. The teacher tells you to keep it French or to shut up. You switch to "Michelle" because you're 12 and a smartass.

Bon Jovi: You're on the bus home from a long day of fifth grade. When you get home, the same old, same old. You don't know it yet but this is the beginning of your depression. As you graduate from Crossroads to a 2-Disc Best Of, everything feels worse. You work on a puzzle in the basement and even though maybe no one will ever love you, Bon Jovi understands.

Buddy Holly: For the first time since high school started, you have a friend. She's wonderful and she understands you. Maybe there's 3 time zones between you, but it doesn't stop you from digging a hole deep into a fantasy world that you live in for months with her. Buddy's music is simple and the records are bright yellow. Maybe everything will be okay.

David Bowie: You didn't care when he died. You didn't know better. You got a CD of greatest hits for your birthday two months later. You still didn't understand the fuss all too well. A few tracks pop out at you and you get the album that features them. Dad insists you listen to the album in the dark on the floor (he doesn't say while smoking weed, but if it were the 70s, you would have). Finally you understand: David understands you.

Def Leppard: You're 13 and trying to find your place in the world. Trying to make a name, so you write. As the characters who make no sense are fleshed out in 1667 words every single day, the drum loop that finished Pyromania follows you around.

The Doors: You don't know how Jim Morrison came into your life. Maybe it was by an experiment gone wrong or a curiosity. Your classmates question why you're reading a book with a shirtless man posed as if being crucified. You don't know how to answer that you think you might be him. You hadn't believed in reincarnation, but he sparked something inside you. You can feel consciousness slip away when he plays his game called 'Go Insane'. You hold a Celebration Of The Lizard for a poetry slam and the adrenaline pushes you through your fear. You feel Jim's words in your actions for years. He watches you when you sleep.

GNR: You send your siblings out of the basement. They aren't old enough to hear swear words in music and you want to listen to Appetite in the dark. You want to jump on top of the couch and punch the floor. You can feel Axl's anger and it courses through you.

Journey: You've been told you look like Steve Perry. You aren't sure if it's a compliment or an insult. You think you sound like him. You know all the words to Don't Stop Believing at the school dance. Your first memory of your boyfriend was him singing it at the talent show. Your last memory of him is singing I'll Be Alright Without You, severing the final tie. Wheel In The Sky opens your next day. Things don't feel okay anymore.

KISS: You're 4 years old and your Dad is watching the scariest freaks you've ever seen on the TV. In the next scene, the scariest one is sitting and talking to people who look like your grandparents. You forget about them for 7 years. They show up again in your newest hyperfixation and you give them a chance. The freaks who once scared you strip away your fears and set you free.

Led Zeppelin: Your imagination was just opened to the possibilities of stories beyond the realms of reality. What you thought you never knew opened you to a new layer of your past that you didn't understand. The tendrils of influence wrap around every part of your future.

Motley Crue: The writings paint them as the villains. In many ways, they are. In just as many ways, they're the same scared kids you are. For better or for worse, they bring you into a community. There, you experiment hurting yourself in ways therapists don't look for. The greatest friend you could ever want.

Ninja Sex Party: They're a rock band for kids who don't understand rock bands. You have no physical media for them and it feels like you may never get the chance. Copies are limited. So your spotify is thick with every song they've ever recorded. They're fleeting and they're your rock.

Queen: You know just a little too much about them. They're bigger characters than the radio lets them be. You love Bohemian Rhapsody before you begin to hate it before you learn to love it once more.

Rammstein: As they bleed for their art, so you bleed for yours. Perhaps out of spite, perhaps out of desperation, but plague cuts your work short. It cuts you from the glory you could have had. The first album you've ever waited for the release of by a band.

Reckless Love: Never before has a band felt so attainable and yet so far away. Your family doesn't understand them, so you hide them away. The only recklessness was falling in love.

Rolling Stones: Angie helped you through more than you know. The lips are on your tapestry for a reason. You were blind for so much for so long. You never gave them a chance. They're using their chance now.

Rush: Once shrugged-off nobodies. You gave them a chance out of curiosity and desperation. Now you can't understand the possibility of never having liked them. They brought you your first great grief and your first proof of miracles. The red star of the solar federation burns bright. Assume control.

Styx: You're standing in the snow. The bus is an hour late. You can't contact your parents because they took your one method of contact as a punishment for not making your bed. You're listening to a Greatest Hits on your iPod. Crystal Ball. It's an hour. Blue Collar Man. You get home and no one noticed you were late. They're eating without you. Suite Madam Blue.

Tom Petty: The news hits you. Your throat is blocked and you don't say anything. You listen to I Won't Back Down before telling your Dad. He was the first you experienced while being a fan. He wasn't the last. You torture yourself artistically in his honour. You attend a tribute concert and scream yourself hoarse.

Tuff: You want to leave home and block out all the memories as best you can. Stevie makes it impossible. But he's also one of the only ones there as all your best friends who aren't online forget your birthday. He acknowledges you.

Van Halen: The grief is insurmountable. For weeks afterwards, Eruption makes your heart sink. 5150 makes you cry instead of imagine pleasant nonsense as it once did. There is no comfort. If he can go, what's stopping anyone else?

The Who: Maybe they got to your head a little. You were sitting in a room in school for hours each day, completely alone except for Tommy playing on your tiny laptop. No supervision. No classmates. Just your monstrosity of a project and Tommy.

[moonbeambucky]

I Promise (Part 1/2)

Pairing: Chris Beck x Reader Word Count: 4106 Warnings: fluff, smut, pregnancy

Summary: Before heading to Mars Chris Beck reconnects with his best friend, unaware of the outcome of their night together. With the burden of his mission will Chris make a promise he can’t keep?

A/N: My first Chris Beck fic! Rather than a really long one shot I’m splitting it into two parts. A big thank you to my love Allie @all1e23​​​ for beta reading 🍕❤️ gif source (x)

“Hey.”

The soft resonance of Chris’ voice brings tears to your eyes, ones you couldn’t help from slipping out. They fall down the curve of your cheeks past the uneasy smile you wore.

“I kept my promise,” he said. Chris flashed the top row of his bright white teeth, his mouth curving into a boyish smile that reached his eyes, the fine lines crinkling around them. He tilted his head as he looked at you through the screen, a comforting gaze that made you feel as if he was there with you. 

The quality of the video chat is near perfect making you almost forget Chris was millions of miles away. He looked the same, not that you expected him to look different. It had only been a few months since you last saw each other. 

His hair looks darker than usual but you suppose it’s the low lighting of the small room he’s in. He’s bundled up in a thick NASA sweatshirt and you can see several more layers he has on beneath the collar. Chris looks tired but that’s expected, what he’s doing right now is not a walk in the park. You know it’s the reason why it’s taken so long for him to contact you but you wish he did it sooner. 

More tears flood your eyes, burning their way out as you wished he never left at all. You can barely hear Chris over the sound of your own sobs.

“Please don’t cry,” he pleaded.

You lifted your head towards the screen and seeing the concern on his face only made you miss him more, wishing he was there to console you in person.

Your hand swept away tears from your cheek as your voice cracked saying his name. “Chris…” 

The streets are simmering with the heat of a summer that couldn’t wait to officially start. Calendars be damned, it was hot. You indulged in a cool shower when you got home from work but time didn’t allow for a languid evening of staying in your towel as you applied serums and moisturizers, lotions and creams and every other post-shower pampering you normally do. Tonight was dinner with a friend and you needed to get ready.

Chatter filled the air of the patio, a small secluded outdoor space at the back of an Italian restaurant on the Upper East Side. It had an Old World Tuscan feel, from the stucco walls that looked purposely imperfect. Green patina shutters hung beside a wrought iron lantern that glowed in the early evening. Lush greens and bright flowers sat atop the half wall that surrounded the dining area making you forget you were in the city.

Chris looked the same, not that you expected him to be different. It had only been about two years since you’ve seen each other, right before he began training for his mission and now you can’t believe it was about to happen. Never would you have expected that the little boy down the block who became your best friend would actually be going to Mars.

For most of your lives you were in the same school, starting in Mrs. Kramer’s kindergarten class where you stuck together; two kids that were nervous about making friends and finding comfort in each other. As the years went on you weren’t always in the same classes but your friendship continued to grow. Chris was picked on for having a girl as a best friend and the girls always teased that he was your “boyfriend.” It never felt that way with Chris. He was your friend first and you never saw him as anything more. 

By the time you were in middle school Chris was already taking advanced classes in math and science and the only class you had together was art which he was famously terrible at. It was there you asked him a huge favor, whispering to him at the sink as you rinsed off your paint brushes. “Could you kiss me?” Chris turned as red as a boiling lobster, immediately sweating as if he was being roasted alive himself. It was later that day walking home from school that you clarified what you meant.

There was a boy, Justin Kaufman, who was the coolest kid in your grade. You had a crush on him like everyone else and you were shocked when he asked if you would go with him to the dance on Friday. You were worried he might try to kiss you and being inexperienced made you nervous. Justin was really popular and if you were a bad kisser then the whole school would know it. Chris was your friend, someone you trusted, someone you could practice with just to make sure you didn’t make a fool of yourself. 

You had no frame of reference for kissing back then apart from one sided smooches to pictures of movie stars that you had a crush on. But feeling Chris’ lips press back against yours was… nice. The best part about it was that things didn’t feel awkward after. Chris was still your best friend and nothing changed. 

A server hands you a menu and you thank him, scanning through it to see what you might be interested in. Chris looks up at the same time you do, wondering if you wanted an appetizer.  You nodded letting him choose, considering the limited food options he’ll have for over the next year. 

“Can you drink?”

Chris’ nose crinkled as he smiled. “In space? No. Tonight? Yes,” he chuckled softly. 

Two glasses of red wine were set on the table as you indulged in delicious food, catching up as much as you could before Chris’ mission. 

“So you’d love what happened today,” you began, leaning closer, “We filmed a restoration video and yours truly was in it.”

Chris’ eyes lit up as he gasped. “I love those! You have to send it to me. Hopefully I can see it before I go. What was it?”

“A sixteenth century European oil painting.” You went into detail and Chris loved listening to your knowledge of art history. It was no wonder that was your major, taking your studies further to work as a conservator at the Met.

Chris swallowed his food quickly to speak. “You were always good at that– art, attention to detail. Remember when we had to sculpt our own faces?” he chuckled.

There was a short burst of laughter as you remembered that day from so long ago. “Yes! Thankfully the real you doesn’t look anything like that abomination you made.” 

Chris drops his head down to hide a bashful smile that mixed in with laughter. He’s enjoying himself, catching up with you, eating. This was so good. He couldn’t help but scoop up another forkful of pasta, not expecting you to ask him a question. “So, how are you feeling?”

He paused to reflect and wiped a bit of sauce from the corner of his mouth. “I’m nervous… excited.” Taking a sip of wine, he sets the glass down carefully on the table. Chris’ face has grown more serious. “My mom’s worried.”

“Of course she is, I don’t blame her. I’m worried. Mars is… well it’s Mars! It’s not around the block.”

He chuckled. “No, it’s definitely not.” 

Chris is heading home to Connecticut tomorrow to spend the next few days with his parents. Chloe, his younger sister is coming in as well so they can all spend some time together before he has to fly down to Florida.

“Then it’s go for launch!” he said with a beaming smile, though Chris had to correct himself for the sake of accuracy. Once he’s down there the crew has to quarantine for at least ten days and go through a bunch of pre-flight checkups and procedures first. “Are you gonna watch?”

The incredulous look you gave him answered his question. “Did you really have to ask? Of course I’m going to watch the launch.” 

His eyes twinkled as he smiled back at you. “Oh and don’t worry I put you on my contact list so you can send me emails. Not sure how quickly I'll get them since CAPCOM directs it back to us. And as long as we have the right satellite coverage we can even do video calls.”

“Like Facetime?”

“In theory yeah, more like space Skype,” he laughed. “It’ll be nice to stay in touch.”

Your smile was bright in the dimness of the evening. You can’t imagine not staying in touch with Chris. The longest you had ever gone was during his Air Force training. He checked in with his parents when he first arrived and from then on it was sporadic. You were able to send him letters though and tried to write him every week though your own schooling and an apprenticeship at the Louvre had taken up a lot of time but that was how your relationship was. 

No matter where you were in life, across the world or hovering above it in the International Space Station, you always kept in touch. It’ll be harder now considering he’s going farther than ever before but you’ll make it work. 

Chris would be back by next November and his mom was already planning a big party for his return, one he’s certain you’ll be invited to. Though you haven’t seen his parents in a while you still kept in touch with them from time to time seeing as they were still friends with your own parents.

“It’s crazy to think you’re about to go to Mars.” 

Chris swipes a palm down his mouth, leaning his elbows against the table as he muses, “I know. Feels like I got the call yesterday.”

It was a night similar to this one, where Chris was in New York celebrating with you and other friends on his selection to be part of the Ares III mission. He had been working at NASA for a few years, doing biomedical research in their center in Virginia and now he was about a month out from spending two years training for his long term mission to Mars. 

He stayed at your apartment that night, continuing the celebration in your own private way. You had come a long way from learning to kiss with Chris. It wasn’t a big deal, neither was it the first time you had sex with each other. It was a special dynamic that worked for the two of you, one you don’t think you could have pulled off with anyone else. With Chris you had trust that was built up over the years. He was safe, he was your friend and this was nothing more than just sex. 

It didn’t happen too often, a couple of times here and there. You both dated a few people over the years and even though you were single at the moment you thought about the promise you made to each other as teens. “If we’re not married to other people by the time we’re thirty let’s promise we’ll marry each other.” Such a silly promise but thirty seemed so far away at the time. 

Chris couldn’t make it to celebrate for your thirtieth birthday but you did get a card from him where he joked that the wedding was off. You were in a long term relationship, one that Chris thought would lead to marriage but you ended things a year later. It wasn’t there; that natural spark that made your heart skip a beat every time they smiled brighter than the sun, or when their eyes sparkled like stars in the night every time they looked at you. 

You walked through the streets with Chris after dinner, casually strolling back towards your apartment and stretching out the inevitable goodbye that you didn’t want to say. It was so good to be with him in person again, not realizing how badly you missed it until the hours started ticking closer towards him leaving. By the time you get to your apartment Chris decided to come up stairs, wanting to spend as much of his time with you as he could. 

Chris sits comfortably on your couch, cozied up beside a large pillow. He places his wine glass down on your coffee table, needing to gesticulate with both hands as he starts getting into talking about his research. He’s been published before in numerous academic journals and now he’s going on about how excited he is for his latest topic, musculoskeletal alterations and the effects of deep space travel. 

He’s cute when he really gets into it, crinkles pulling around the corner of his eyes as his whole face lights up. You let out a shaky breath, smiling even wider yourself as you watched the passion he had for science and learning, one that matched the level you had for art and preserving their history. 

Chris apologized for rambling on, taking a sip of wine to clear the dryness from his throat. 

“So, give me the lowdown… can you jerk off in space?” 

He covered his mouth to prevent the wine he was choking on from spitting out. You couldn’t help the sly smile on your face that cracked wider the redder he became. 

“Well?”

Chris cleared his throat again. Pinching the bridge of his nose he looked down into his glass, chuckling a bit as he said, “The official stance from NASA is no comment so I’m going to stick with that.” 

“That’s not an answer!” You could barely hold a faux sneer before you broke into a smile. Teasing Chris was all in good fun, something that went both ways from the time you were young. 

You adjusted the way your legs were folded underneath you, brushing your knee against his leg. Chris lifted his arm up, a silent invitation for you to get closer and so you did, resting your head against him as his arm came around you.

Things had quieted down and you listened to the steady beat of his heart. This would be the last time you would see Chris for a long time. Your arm reached around to hold him for as long as you could.

“I’m going to miss you,” you whispered against him. 

Chris’ chest sunk as he exhaled a deep sigh. “I’m going to miss you too.” His arm squeezed a little tighter around you as he pressed his lips gently against your forehead. “Just look to the stars and I’ll be there.” 

His words brought a comforting smile to your face, one you shared with him as you tilted your head to look up at him. “Do you want to stay?”

The corner of his mouth tugs a little as Chris thinks about it. There’s nothing he really misses at his hotel more than he does you. The only reason he came to New York was to see you first before going home. 

“Yeah, I’d love to stay.”

You shifted yourself on top to straddle Chris, carding your fingers through his hair and taking in the gaze of his eyes that became pools of deep blue. You closed the distance between your lips, feeling his hands come around your back. Soft moans bubbled in your throat and soon you found yourself being carried to the bedroom. 

Clothes were discarded, lips were on skin that burned hotter than the stars. You writhe against him, thighs quivering around his head, reaching out to grip him by the hair, holding Chris in place as he coaxed out your release. His lips taste like you and he licks them again, savoring your sweetness as he crawls up your body. 

He tears open the condom, gathering your wetness on him as he slowly pushed in. A sinful moan falls from your lips as you feel the stretch of him inside you, inch by inch until he was fully seated. An experimental roll of his hips sets the pace for pleasure. 

Your hands graze up the curve of his arms, reaching his back and digging in half moon shapes into his skin with your nails as he thrusts into you.

“Ahh fuck, you feel so fucking good,” he panted, moaning as his hips snapped forward. His name fell from your lips, a sweet sound that he couldn’t deny he loved hearing. 

He changed his angle, hitting you with deeper, longer strokes. His mouth found your nipple, sucking at your peak as his hips gained speed; groaning and squeezing his eyes tightly as he fucked you, ready to explode.

“Shit!” Chris hissed, backing off quickly. You’re confused and concerned, sitting up and turning the light on beside your bed to see what was wrong. “The condom broke,” he said, still catching his breath.

Chris got up to discard it in the bathroom as you sat on the bed, crossing an arm over your chest, waiting nervously. When Chris walked back in the room he apologized for that, the stiffness of his length giving you relief that he hadn’t finished so you continued. Using your hands on him as he let out soft moans, distractedly opening another condom that you rolled down on him. You straddled him, leaning forward to capture his lips for a sweet kiss first before you lined yourself up and sank down on him. 

Soon enough you were riding waves of bliss together, gripping Chris as you clenched around him, burning white hot behind your eyes. He’s right behind you, on the edge of pleasure, exploding inside you like a supernova.

Dropping your head onto his chest, it felt like your body was made of overcooked noodles that splayed loosely against him as you were desperate to catch your breath, coming down from the heights you soared to. Chris’ arms hold you close against him, his lips languidly peppering kisses to your sheen covered skin. 

When his heartbeat returned to a steady pace Chris went to the bathroom to once again discard the condom and you followed behind him to use it. He went to the kitchen to get something to drink, bringing back an ice cold glass of water for you. 

Back in bed you cuddled together, with goosebumps breaking out on your skin as Chris’ fingertips graze gently up and down your arm. Your eyes feel heavy but you don’t want to give in because when you wake up you know you’ll have to say goodbye and that’s not something you want to do. 

“You’ll stay in touch, right?” you murmured against him, as worry took root within your stomach. His quick and emphatic reply should have been enough but you couldn’t help yourself from needing to make sure you would still hear from him during the mission. “And call me? With the space Skype?”

“I promise,” he said, as a smile spread across his face. Chris’ hand stopped moving, settling on your arm and holding you close. 

“Promise me one more thing?” He hummed in response and you continued, “Stay safe up there.”

Chris tilted his head down and feeling him shift you looked up as he said, “I promise.”

In the moonlight his eyes sparkled like clear tropical waters. Slowly, a soft smile spread across your face as you stared at him. “I love you, Chris.” There was no romanticism behind it even after being together, just pure love for your friend. 

Chris exhaled, planting a kiss to your temple. “I love you too, Y/N.” 

Despite wanting to spend your remaining hours together awake you reluctantly fell asleep in his arms, tearfully parting in the morning. Two weeks later you watched as the space shuttle launched, with proud tears filling your eyes as Chris’ picture flashed on your screen along with the rest of the crew. Seeing that made you feel hopeful and overjoyed at the prospect of hearing from him soon.

“Chris… I’m pregnant.” It was a relief to finally tell him but you didn’t feel any better, uncertainty weighed heavy on your shoulders, crushing the space for your lungs to expand. Chris knows but now what?

He’s silent, his lips parted slightly and you don’t know if there’s a delay in the feed. Maybe you should have emailed it to him. You were going to at first and instead chose to word the importance of needing to speak to him in such a clandestine way that you were contacted by someone from NASA. Upon speaking to them they allowed your email to be dispatched and then you waited. 

Chris’ eyebrows knit together, his shoulders slumping down as he stared at your face through the screen. He didn’t have any doubts, you were always truthful with each other, but he still wondered how.

“We put on a new one, I thought…” 

“I thought we were good too,” you said, letting out a shaky breath. 

You weren’t just pregnant, you were pregnant with his child and based off of some quick calculations in his head you were nearing the end of your first trimester. “H-how are you? I mean, how are you feeling?”

“Physically or…” Nervous laughter bubbles out of your throat. 

This was hard on you, the physical symptoms weren’t fun but you could manage. What was more difficult was not telling anyone. It was early enough in your pregnancy that you could hide it from your family. They still lived in Hartford and hadn’t been down to visit yet but you couldn’t avoid them forever. Work was a different story. You had to let your boss know you would have to modify your duties as working around solvents and other chemicals would not be safe.

There was never a doubt in your mind about keeping the baby. When you were younger you imagined having children by now but it didn’t work out that way. It was something you were okay with, finding life fulfilling in different ways. Work was incredible, you were able to travel and though your relationships hadn’t worked out in the past you didn’t hold on to any resentments. Life was always complete and now things were going to be different. 

You wanted to speak to Chris first before telling your family because you needed to know your expectations. Chris had a life of his own and you didn’t want your choice of having a baby to make him feel obligated in any way. You were an adult; a smart, independent woman and could do this on your own.

“I know this isn’t something we planned but…” Chris exhaled, the corners of his mouth lifting upward, “There’s no one I’d rather do this with than you... I promise.” 

Chris’ eyes glisten with tears as his smile grows and you find yourself brushing away your own from the corner of your eyes. It was comforting to know Chris will be part of the baby’s life. Truthfully it would have been weird if he wasn’t in some capacity considering how close you were. For now you have a lot of time on how you’re going to figure things out for the future.

After the call Chris reflected in silence, staring out of the giant triangular windows of one of the Hermes’ common areas into the vastness of space. He was lost in thought, startled by his name being called by a crewmate. He turned to see Mark whose bright smile fell with concern upon seeing Chris’ face, asking if he was alright.

“I’m gonna be a dad,” Chris responded, his tone mournful in the realization he’ll be missing the birth. He accepted the congratulatory hug Mark gave him, sighing heavily as they separated. “I always thought I’d be there for that.” 

You were due in March and Chris hated the fact that he won't be there for the first nine months of his child’s life, moments and milestones he’ll never get back. He doesn’t like leaving this all on you. He knows you can do it but you shouldn’t have to. 

“I can’t pretend this isn’t hard but don’t think of it in terms of what you’re missing, look at what you’re gaining, what you have to look forward to when you come home.” Chris nodded, his smile trying to come back. “I didn’t even know you had a girlfriend,” Mark teased. 

“I don’t. Y/N, she’s…” Chris’ face lights up as he thinks about you, which does not go unnoticed by Mark. “We’ve been friends since we were kids. She’s always meant so much to me and now…” 

Mark gave Chris an honest smile as he spoke plainly, “And now you’re having a baby.” 

With a proud smile that stretched from ear to ear he affirmed, “Yeah… we are.” 

PART 2