#this is a parenting book but it still speaks to my own mental struggles lmao

[my-commonplace]

The Whole-Brain Child, Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson

[muwur]

If requests are open.. Suga x reader -3rd year student- where friends to pining where reader is a exchange student mid year -parent’s job- and reader is new to the school, can barely communicate Japanese and is too shy to meet new people.. reader is welcomed as a co-manager for vb club and all the other boys adopt her has their sister. She tutors them in their English lesson too.. also how would Suga help her open up from her shyness..

request: sugawara x fem! reader who is a shy exchange student!

another beginning.

✩ one-shot ✩ for sugawara bb

❧ fem reader

✎ 4.9k words

a/n: FINALLY GOT THIS BBY DONE, ty for being patient requester <3 i hope its ok, lmk if u would like smth different!

also curious but do yall listen to music when you write or read? i dnt always but when i DO i listen to some boppy music so i can shake mah ass (unles im depresso AHAHA) LMAO rec me some pls--

send me asks--

current listen: juicy by doja cat, gasolina by daddy yankee, 11 PM by maluma

A pencil dangled between two of your fingers, gently swinging back and forth as you tapped the eraser’s tip against your chin in thought. Looking over Hinata’s shoulder at the worksheet laying on the table, you extended your hand and made a neat scrawl on the page. “That’s good translating, Hinata! However,” you dragged your pencil across the surface, marking a line and arrow to point at a space near the beginning of his sentence, “keep in mind that although gerunds look like verbs, they act as nouns. So, this word should go here.”

Yachi, who was seated to your right, nodded in agreement. “I looked through his notes doodles, and it looked like they were going over gerunds in class!”

With narrowed eyes, Hinata scanned the page, muttering the sentence underneath his breath. Suddenly, his hazel eyes lit up in understanding and his lips morphed into a round “O.” “Ohhhh, that make a lot more sense! Thanks, (y/n), you’re a big help, especially in English! Also, look, guys!”

He rummaged through his cluttered backpack and fished out a slightly wrinkled sheet of paper with a red “14/50” marked on the top right corner. Holding it up proudly, he declared, “I got a better score than last time! By nine points!”

“That’s still an F,” Tsukishima pointed out, eyes glued to the pages of the book he was reading. Yamaguchi and Kageyama tried to stifle their snickers.

“Y-You’re not even looking!” Hinata defended. The ginger was met with a shrug. “I don’t need to see the score to know you failed.”

Before any fighting could break out, however, the door swung open, revealing the remaining third-years. Bags of snacks in their arms, the four of them stepped in. “We’re back! Your parent/guardian let us in, (y/n),” Sugawara announced, setting his bag down on the table. The rest followed suit and set the goodies down. Rummaging through one of the bags, Daichi pulled out a meat bun.

“Hinata, here’s your meat bun,” he said, handing the snack to the excited first-year, who had long-forgotten Tsukishima’s snide remark about his lack of intellectual aptitude. Kiyoko offered Kageyama his milk, the slight brush of their hands being enough to stir Noya and Tanaka into an envious craze. Asahi tried to settle them down, nervously reminding them that they needed to act respectful in your home, especially after your family had agreed to let you all study there. You stifled a giggle as Sugawara and Daichi joined in, scolding their underclassmen for their poor behavior and threatening them with a time-out.

With an exasperated sigh, Sugawara took a seat next to you on the mat. “Ah, I can’t help but worry about how Ennoshita’s going to handle both of them on his own.”

Giving a sidelong glance to the second-year, who was now forcing Noya and Tanaka to complete timed practice problems, your lips formed a small smile. “Looks like he does a pretty good job at it, though.”

Sugawara let out an amused huff. “Guess I’m worried over nothing. Oh, also,” he dug into the plastic bag in front of him, taking out your favorite snack and offering it to you. “Here you go.”

(can u tell from my stories yet that fav snacks aka actions are my love language--)

“Oh, thank you, Suga, I didn’t even ask for this…” you flashed him a grateful smile and took the package from his hands, suppressing the blush that threatened to overcome your cheeks as your fingertips brushed. He gave a sheepish smile and glanced to the side in response, giving the back of his neck an anxious rub.

“Ah, it’s the least I could do to thank you for letting us all come over to study. It’s really helpful. I appreciate it, (y/n).”

“It’s not much, really. I’m more than glad to help you all (read: Hinata, Kageyama, Tanaka, and Noya) out with English and offer my place. Having everyone together makes it easier. They need to pass these exams so you all get to play.”

Your offer to help the team with their studies may have seemed a simple gesture as both their friend and co-manager. On the inside, however, you really were more than happy to have everyone over for whatever reason. It left you with a feeling of awe. The last thing you would’ve expected 3 months ago was to be sitting in your new home in Japan, surrounded by a group of people who accepted you despite your poor Japanese and late appearance to Karasuno. Just 4 months ago, after you learned about your parent/guardian’s job transfer to Japan, you were left feeling an array of mixed feelings:

Anxiety – a whole new country? With a language you could barely even speak or understand? How was that going to work? Could you even make friends at school? God knows how long it took you to make the friends you have now.

Disappointment – you were looking forward to graduating high school with the friends you’ve made throughout the past few years. Having to say goodbye would be difficult, and you’d miss them.

Yet, you felt a sliver of hopefulness – new experiences were waiting for you. You had the opportunity to lead a new life in a foreign place. It filled you both with fear and exhilaration.

On the night before your first day at Karasuno, you could barely sleep after spending hours religiously practicing how to introduce yourself in Japanese. Having to introduce yourself to the class and speaking with your new classmates was inevitable, after all. And so the next day, you found yourself standing in front of the classroom, trying to suppress the nervous shudder that threatened to rack your body and ignore the prickles of sweat on your palms. Despite how much you mentally recited your introduction that morning, your current situation left your mind blank, unable to conjure any words. Fueled by the awkward silence, the numerous gazes focused on you, and the growing pit of anxiety in your stomach, what came out was a quiet, jumbled form of what you intended to say.

“Hello, (y/n) (l/n). I’m (insert your original country name here). I can’t Japanese, but I hope friends. Everyone, nice to meet,” you bowed, both in respect and so that you could hide your face, which was red from embarrassment. You knew you messed up, but you pretended otherwise, hoping that nobody would point out your mistake.

You straightened up after a few moments of silence, registering the confused looks of your new classmates and feeling another stab of shame. In response to your introduction, the teacher raised her eyebrows and blinked in confusion. Then her eyes warmed, and she offered you a smile as she spoke up. “Class, this is (l/n) (y/n). She recently moved here from (insert OG country here). She’s still learning Japanese; however, her English is perfect, so I’m sure you can all learn something from each other. Please make her feel welcome. Your seat is over there, (l/n).”

Shoulders sagging, you made your way to your desk, avoiding eye contact despite the pairs of eyes that followed you to your seat. Focusing on the lecture was a struggle. Not only could you barely understand anything the teacher was saying; worries about how the rest of the day would go also flooded your mind. This was only the morning; how could you navigate your way through the halls? Ask for directions? Would you meet people? Where would you eat lunch? How could you survive?

The remainder of the classes went by gruesomely slow. Too embarrassed from your slip this morning and too shy to meet new people despite wanting to make a friend, you successfully dodged conversation with any of your classmates. You were relieved that finally lunch came by, yet that presented another problem. You weren’t sure where to go, but you were sure that you were going to eat by yourself.

After a few minutes of walking around the hallways, you settled for eating lunch in the classroom. At least it meant you didn’t have to rush to class after the bell rang. Taking a seat, you pulled out your boxed lunch and set it out in front of you. Painfully aware of how alone you must have looked, you pretended to look really interested in your meal (am i the only one or--). You poked it, broke it into pieces, then brought each sliver to your mouth and chewed slowly. If only your family had switched your phone plans earlier, then you could at least spend time scrolling the internet or lament to your friends back home about how your day was going.

Still “engrossed” in your meal, you failed to notice a figure standing in front of your desk. Only after you saw a hand situate itself on the edge of your desk did you look up.

You met the chestnut eyes of a boy. He bore a warm smile that made a small crinkle in his eyes and beauty mark. Strands of grey hair draped naturally in front of his eyes and framed the sides of his face. Despite your unease, his soft features helped to calm your racing heart and mind. He seemed a friendly person; after all, he was able to approach you.

“Hey, you’re (l/n), right? I’m Sugawara Koushi, but you can call me Suga. I’m in your class,” he introduced in pretty darn good English.

‘Man, that means he heard me this morning…’ you thought miserably. Yet, you couldn’t help but feel some relief. Perhaps you hadn’t given others or yourself much of a chance before jumping to the conclusion that you were incapable of meeting new people.

Clearing your throat, you shyly extended a hand to him in greeting. “Yes, I’m (y/n) (l/n). Call me (y/n). It’s nice to meet you, Suga,” you replied hesitantly, finally using the correct words in Japanese that you had been practicing the previous night.

Shaking your hand, his eyes widened in pleasant surprise. “Your Japanese sounds pretty good! You just moved, so you’re still learning, right? How about I help you improve that while you help me with English?”

You were about to nod eagerly in appreciation when you both overheard some snickering across the room. Two boys and a girl sat together, whispering quite loudly and sneaking oh-so-inconspicuous glances over at your desk. Taking notice that they were caught staring, they presumed to loudly munch on their meals and talk about the weather.

Suga only shot them annoyed glare and shook his head before turning his attention back to you. “Sorry, those are my… Friends.” The strain in his voice after saying that last word made you question if they really were on friendly terms.

After that day, you found yourself spending every lunch period with Suga and his other third-year friends Daichi, Asahi, and Shimizu. You initially felt unsure of how to talk to them, but after Sugawara’s efforts to include you in his circle and some reassuring words about being yourself and not letting a small, temporary language barrier hold you back from making friends, you earned a bit of confidence. While you spoke a hybrid of English and Japanese with them, you eventually managed to pick up a lot of Japanese from talking everyday, and after these few months of constant exposure, you were able to hold decent conversations. Additionally, the extra help you sought from the teaching staff allowed you to be able to keep up in class, and your instructors were understanding enough to give you some leniency on your assignments during this adjustment period.

Hanging around your new friends often, it was only a matter of time before you were introduced to the rest of Karasuno’s boys’ volleyball team. It occurred one lunch period three weeks after you first arrived, when Asahi suggested that you join some club activities. You were discouraged, however, considering that it was already halfway through the year, you didn’t know enough Japanese yet to converse with just anyone, and you were a tad shy, which made joining clubs a bit difficult. At that moment, your new friends all made eye contact with each other, then looked at you.

“Why not join our volleyball club?” Suga asked. “Shimizu could always use the help. She’s our only student manager.”

Shimizu nodded in agreement, her blue gaze soft. “Your help would be really appreciated. There’s a lot to this job, so having someone to split the work with would be relieving. You can also help me look for someone to take my place when we graduate.”

Later that day you found yourself in the gym being blocked by Sugawara, who was protecting you from two crazed boys whose collars were held back by Daichi. A ginger-haired boy looked at you with curiosity, excitedly introducing himself as Hinata and pointing out the names of the other members on the court (“This is ‘Bakageyama’ and that guy’s ‘Four-eyed Jerk Face’—").

Upon their release (which was granted only after they promised to behave), Tanaka and Noya dashed over to you, tears in their eyes as they held your hands and expressed their gratitude for your presence. “Oh, (y/n), you kind soul, helping Shimizu with the managerial work. Better yet, now we have two cute girls to support us, this is amazing!”

And that’s how you found yourself sitting with your new friends in your living room and feeling grateful for their vibrant personalities, kindness, and acceptance. You couldn’t have asked for a better batch of friends to end your year with. Though, you were most grateful to Sugawara. If not for him, the last several months of your highschool experience may have gone by miserably, with nothing special to note and no new friends to celebrate with. His gentle, understanding nature had done nothing but support you and make you feel welcome. He helped introduce you to a new, comfortable life you had trouble imagining before your arrival to Japan. He dispelled your doubts and fears, instilling in you a newfound confidence in your abilities. It certainly helped that the team was just as supportive and patient with you.

You could recount the events of the past few months that brought warmth to your heart. These people were growing on you, making you feel like you could be yourself more each day. Daichi provided you a sense of security and leadership. Asahi was empathetic, quick to detect your feelings of uneasiness and asking you if you were okay. Shimizu made sure to make you feel welcome as a friend and fellow manager, even inviting you to a café over the weekend to brainstorm ideas on recruiting a replacement (who you both later discovered to be Yachi) and try out some desserts. Tanaka and Noya tried to teach you all the Japanese curse words they knew, initially lying to you about their meanings so they could see the rest of the team’s reactions when you would blurt things out in the middle of practice (Let’s just say that Daichi, Suga, Ennoshita, and Tsukki knew whose fault this was, and Asahi was real shook hearing a string of curse words from your mouth while you sat there, no ill intent emanating from you whatsoever). Ennoshita gave you a comforting, easygoing presence. Tsukki was… Tsukki (LOL). But he could carry on a conversation, often genuinely interested whenever you talked about the culture back in (other country). And you knew he was soft. Hinata was a burst of energy, and you found his bickering with Tsukishima and Kageyama silly and quite precious. You often stayed with Yachi to toss balls to Kageyama late at night, much to his appreciation. Yachi and Yamaguchi were some of the biggest sweethearts on the team, and all you could think about was needing to protect them.

There was definitely something different in your interactions with Sugawara, though. You found yourself closest to him out of everyone. It may have been because he was the first you talked to, or maybe it was because he was one of the most easygoing people you’ve ever met. That, and you found yourself wanting to get closer to him. You wanted to know more about him.

Sugawara chuckled in response. “I suppose you’re right. We wouldn’t have made it this far without everyone,” he said softly, a tinge of fondness showing in his brown eyes. He proceeded to take out his schoolwork and pen, resting his chin in his palm as he read the words across the page of his assignment. Occasionally, you glanced over at him, admiring the way his eyebrows knit together in concentration, and how his hair brushed his cheeks whenever his head shifted in its position. How the grey tips of lashes kissed his bottom eyelids with each flutter of his chocolate hues. You even took a mental note that his lips, currently pursed in thought, were rather smooth and full in appearance.

A rogue thought about how those lips would feel against your own flitted across your mind. It brought a small pang to your chest, and you had to mentally slap yourself back into reality. You noticed these new feelings were starting to become more prevalent the longer you hung around Sugawara. You consulted your friends back home about it, and in their excitement, they insisted you had a crush on this guy (and demanded photos). Heart palpitations, heat-flooded cheeks, covert glances, and a desire for closeness in all aspects possible? All symptoms of infatuation, your personal love doctors concluded. You recalled when these signs first appeared about a month ago, after he offered to walk you home when practice had gone late into the night. Initially you declined, not wanting him to go out of his way when it was already dark outside. However, after seeing the soft look in his eyes as he declared he wanted to ensure you got home safely and that he didn’t mind the walk, your heart couldn’t help but give in and agree.

It was a tranquil night, accompanied only by the sound of crickets chirping and a cool, whispy breeze. About 15 minutes after having left campus, you were both seated on an aged bench at a small park, snacking on recent convenience store purchases to satisfy your growling stomachs. A comfortable silence settled in the air. The nightly surroundings were illuminated by the gentle glow of several nearby lampposts and stars that burned lightyears away.

Your gaze followed the tracks of a small bug crawling across the sidewalk in front of your feet. It skittered soundlessly against the pavement, eventually disappearing in the security of a bush. A gentle sigh took hold of your attention, and your eyes flickered over to your friend, who was peering up at the star-dusted evening sky.

“Do you know what you’re doing after graduation?” he asked, a hint of wonder in his voice.

You shook your head. “No clue, to be honest. You?”

He pursed his lips and took a sidelong glance at you before focusing back upwards. “Well, I’ve always wanted to be a teacher…”

“Seems fitting. Your Japanese lessons have been really helpful,” you pointed out, smiling.

The tips of his lips curved upwards as well. “Really? I’m glad. You’ve improved a lot, too. You’re a quick learner.”

“Heh, well I couldn’t have done it without you.”

Another comfortable silence fell upon you two before he spoke again. “I was thinking about how to keep in touch with everyone after we left, and how it’s a shame we’re leaving so soon after you arrived. I would’ve liked to know you better, too, but there’s only a few months left...”

His genuine words left a rosy tinge on your cheeks. As you were thinking of a response, you looked down, noticing how close your hand lay next to his. Heartrate quickening, you stammered, “Y-Yeah, I wish we had more time, too.. T-To hang around each other, I mean. But graduation doesn’t have to mean goodbye, right?”

“That’s true... You always know just what to say, you know that, (y/n)?” he turned his gaze on you and held out an extended pinky. “Promise to talk to me after graduating, then?”

You rolled your eyes playfully and huffed in amusement. Taking your own pinky and intertwining it with his, you nodded. “So long as you keep your end of the promise, too.”

“Of course.”

Sugawara’s voice brought you out of your momentary flashback. “(Y/n)? Can I ask you a question?”

Blinking your previous thoughts away and calming the warmth on your cheeks, you responded, “What’s up?”

He slid his assignment closer to you, pointing at a section he was having trouble with. “Here. I’m not sure if I’m doing this correctly..”

You leaned in, scooching towards him and closing in on the gap between you. Focused on the homework, you failed to notice how the brush of your shoulders made Sugawara’s body stiffen slightly. With your proximity, your scent easily wafted to his nose, and he could observe the closer details of your appearance. The hair tucked behind your ear exposed your cheekbone, looking soft to the touch. Your determined hues scanned the page, and he could visualize your thinking through your small, occasional self-nods. You looked cute and comfortable in the casual hoodie you wore, bringing him a strange, mixed sense of bashfulness and ease. His mind wandered, trying to envision how you would look if you wore any of his jackets, but his thoughts were interrupted by the sounds of your sweet voice and scribbles against paper.

“It sounds great, Suga! I just made a note there on how you can fix it; otherwise, it should be okay,” you gave him a reassuring smile as you slid his work back to him. You, however, didn’t shift back to your original position and instead stayed seated mere inches from the boy. Not that he minded, but…

“O-Oh, alright, thanks!”

It made concentrating during the rest of the study session a little difficult.

Occasionally you did get up, helping mostly the first and second years with some of their English assignments. His eyes would secretly (but c’mon, everyone but Hinata and Kageyama could tell) follow your figure, admiring the way you looked as you interacted happily with the others and did whatever you could to assist them. Yet you always returned to the same spot, near Suga. Close enough that everyone else on the team took notice (if they haven’t already), relayed the information via mental telephone, and secretly agreed to depart a bit earlier than they had anticipated.

“Oh, you guys are leaving already?” you asked everyone as they were packing up their belongings.

They all nodded in response, offering up their reasons for leaving earlier than the original time you set, which ranged from, “My parents wanted me home for dinner” to “My sister’s wasted and locked out of the house, nobody’s home—” (u good der Saeko)

Standing at your doorway, you waved to your friends, sending them off with a “I’ll see you at school!” as they waved back and filed out of your home. Looking over to Suga, who was still standing beside you, you wondered, “Oh, you’re staying?”

“Oh, yeah! I was surprised to see everyone leave so soon, but I was planning to head home in another hour. B-But I can go now if you need me to..!” he answered a bit shakily, waving around his hands in small, bashful gestures.

You shook your head and you waved your hand dismissively. “It’s okay, you’re more than welcome to stay for however long you need to.”

Settled back in the common area, you both tried to resume your schoolwork, but to no avail. Groaning, you leaned back, using your arms to support you from behind. “I’m tired of workingggggg.”

He sighed in agreement, resting an elbow on the table and propping up his head in a closed fist. “Same. Do you want to do something else?”

“Hmm..” you pondered aloud. “Do you want to see my room?”

Shrugging and responding with a “why not?”, you both stood up, leaving the common area to go to your room. You opened the door and stepped inside, Suga closely trailing behind you.

“Welcome to my room. Make yourself cozy,” you insisted as you sat on your bed and pat the spot next to you. He took your offer, taking a seat beside you and looking around your bedroom in curiosity.

“Something about this place really seems like you, (y/n).”

You raised an eyebrow at his comment. “Is it the messy pile of clothes in that basket or the neat desk I cleaned up this morning?”

He chuckled and shook his head. “I suppose you could say those are part of it. I just meant there’s a lot to you that you should feel comfortable sharing with others. People are complex and there’s so many sides to a person we discover along the way. I remember how timid you were in our first weeks of knowing each other, and now you’re getting along great with everyone and work hard to improve everyday. You were able to overcome a stressful repeat of entering highschool, but this time in another country, and adapted just fine! Your kindness and determination is admirable.”

Twiddling with your fingers, you felt a sheepish grin form on your face. “Aha, you’re too kind, Suga. You know I couldn’t have made these friends or adjust so well without your help. I was too worried about talking to anyone until you came up to me, so… Thank you.”

You risked a glance towards the boy, finding his chocolate gaze already set on you. If none of your interactions in the past month had set your heart ablaze, then certainly this moment would take the cake. Sugawara’s eyes flickered downwards briefly in a moment of hesitance, then locked again onto yours with a hint of an undetectable emotion lurking behind those irises.  Neither of you could bring up any words to say. The only sounds present were the soft hums of your breathing and the low creak of your bed as you found yourselves shifting your weight in order to inch closer to one another.

His mind flooded with a cacophony of emotions, from crippling nervousness to an allure for risk-taking. He could barely come to terms with the current situation and what might happen. Maybe he was overthinking it. Surely being this close face-to-face with someone who you just happen to like doesn’t automatically mean they like you back and want to kiss you just as much. Perhaps you were just leaning in to rest your head on his shoulder; after all, you did seem tired from the events of today. Or, you were scooting close for a better look at his face so you could point out, “hey, you got a little something on your face.” Perhaps a crumb from the cracker he had earlier?

But when he took note of the way your eyes fluttered shut, eyelashes caressing the tops of your dusted cheeks, his doubts began to waver. Maybe this was the chance he’s been seeking out lately. Once Daichi deciphered Sugawara’s affections for you, eventually the whole team found out and began to silently root for him. Thankfully, despite their blatant attempts to help him out, you hadn’t noticed a thing. It made him wonder whether you were oblivious, or just didn’t like him, or both. However, in this moment, when it appeared as though maybe you returned his feelings, he felt he should—as Tanaka would say—shoot his shot.

A sudden knock on the door sent you both jumping 5 feet away from each other. Frazzled and wide-eyed, you choked out a weak, “H-Hello?” in response to the interruption. The door opened, revealing your parent/guardian, who peeked inside.

“Dinner’s ready. Would you like to stay and have it with us?” they were asking Suga.

Heart still racing from the fear that gripped it, he blinked in surprise. He piped out a polite no thank you, reasoning that he didn’t want to intrude.

“Nonsense, we’re happy to have you. Come soon.”

They closed the door and left, leaving you two in an awkward silence that was soon interrupted by the sound of your cough. “We should, uh, get going…”

Standing up, you reached for the door with Suga in tow. The tension in the air remained between the two of you throughout dinner. Nevertheless, Sugawara was able to leave a good impression on your family by being a good conversationalist, even earning a few laughs from your parent/guardian. It made your heart swell at how natural it was for him to be able to get along with others.

After dinner ended and he packed his things, you stepped outside with him to send him off, closing the door behind you. He was about to salute you with a “thanks for having me over” when you gave him a peck on the cheek so sudden that he didn’t have time to react before you were already making your way back into your house.

“Thanks for coming, Suga! I’ll see you at school! Let me know when you get home!” you exclaimed animatedly, shutting the door quickly to hide your embarrassment from your sudden actions. You leaned your back against it, instantly regretting what you did with tightly shut eyes. ‘Oh gawd how am I gonna face him at school tomorrow dhefjkg.’

But on the other side of the door, Suga stood dumbfounded, hovering a hand over the area your lips had touch. Though highly embarrassed, he felt a rush of elation pass over him like a humongous wave that never stopped crashing against the shores.

He was starting to really think it was a good idea to introduce himself to the cute new girl in class. Nice one, Suga.

[rothane]

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Gang violence, violence against women and violence in general. Nothing super graphic and it’s honestly mostly just fade to black and implied, but just to be safe. References to arson and housefires in part one.

NOTES: Technically the first half should have been posted a week ago but I did not get that far lmao so now it’s just all in one. I didn’t proof read so good luck ig.

TLDR; The man Georgia shot last week approached Ro for help in the hospital parking lot and she turned him down; a week later the Rogues beat her ass.

FEBRUARY 5, 2021 / MIDNIGHT

With fires breaking out all over town, the medical center had been all hands on deck. Rowan was sure she broke every traffic bylaw in the book on her way there, hastily dropping all four children off with her parent’s and barely managing to give them a rundown on what was happening. Her heart felt like it was in her throat when she left, unsure what kind of fresh hell she was going to be walking into when she got there and trying to plan for the absolute worst case scenarios. House fires are always tricky. She has a hard time putting herself in her patients shoes, finding herself walking a balanced line of emotional and professional while she keeps it together for all of their sake, even if she knows she’ll cry when she gets back in her car at the end of the night. It’s getting exhausting --- every day seems like it just brings a new battle for them, and honesty she isn’t sure how much longer the town is going to be able to stay standing.

Her shift at the hospital goes by exactly as she thinks it will. She holds herself together amongst all of the tragedy, delivering care to her patience with professionalism and empathy for their situations. It’s difficult to leave them at the end of the night, knowing that they’ve just had their entire lives ripped out from under them. Harper doesn’t have a home to go back to tomorrow when she’s released, the last memory she had of her fiance having literally gone up in flames right in front of her. Her niece will be staying at the hospital for at least a week, if not longer. Her little body has taken far more damage than it should have, leaving her lungs compromised and her breathing in need of assistance. Rowan knows, sadly, that this is only the start of a long journey of recovery for the little girl not to mention her brothers and her mother, who are all sure to have some sort of PTSD from the ordeal. Part of her doesn’t want to leave at all, knowing that her best friend and her sister could both use the support of her there but honestly, she’s running on fumes and she just can’t stay there any longer. So she makes her rounds and says her goodbyes, promising to be back in the morning and takes her leave.

When she finally makes it down to the parking lot, she’s so tired she isn’t paying attention to her surroundings. It’s something that she can practically hear her husband scolding her about, but in the moment all she can think about is going home, taking a shower and sinking into bed for the next six hours. She’s pulled from those longing thoughts, however, at the feeling of a hand on her shoulder. She nearly drops her keys, letting out a yelp as she spins around to see who it is. She doesn’t recognize either of them. A man and a woman in cuts she can only assume say Rogues on the back of them, the man clearly in need of medical attention as what looks to be a bullet wound on one of his arms seeps blood onto the concrete around them.

“He needs help.”

Rowan barely hears the words over the sound of her heart beating in her chest and she’s already mentally calculating how long it will take her to turn around and get into her car. She’s pretty sure she can outrun them, given the state the man is in but she has no idea if they’re armed or not -- though she has a feeling it’s leaning more toward the former.

“He needs to go inside. The doctor on call will take care of him.”

The response that comes is what she had been expecting, but she backs up enough that her back is against the SUV when the woman begins speaking again. “We’re not here to have a paper trail followin’ us. We know you work for the club off the books. You’re gonna do the same for us.”

Before Rowan has a chance to properly respond, the man makes a noise of pain. His partner is distracted, giving Rowan a window of opportunity to make her move and within a split second, she’s slamming the door behind her as she gets into her car. A second later, the door handle is being violently yanked on, and she glances out the window to see the man slumped against a car a few rows away and the woman banging on the glass.

“If you leave now you’re gonna regret it.”

But it falls on deaf ears, shaking hands moving to put the car into drive, tires screeching as she flies out of the parking lot and watches her figure get smaller in the rearview. For a moment, she wonders if the whole thing had been some kind of exhaustion induced hallucination, sure that something like that couldn’t have actually just happened. But the blood streaked handprint on her window is a difficult reminder that, unfortunately, it had been very, very real. A string of curses leave her lips before taking a deep breath, fighting off the urge to vomit and while she wants to head straight home, Rowan knows better. While she had only seen two people, who really knows just how many members of the Rogues had been there and she picks up her phone to call Ryder while taking random turns on the off chance that someone is tailing her.  Ten minutes later she finally gets home, Ryder having met her in the driveway and his presence is more than enough to keep her from completely losing her shit.

FEBRUARY 14, 2021 / 7 PM.

Rowan is late --- something she doesn’t do very well with. A follow up appointment with a patient from a few weeks ago having gone over time and left her scrambling to change out of her scrubs and into her dress in her office bathroom. When she finally comes out, still struggling to get her shoes on, she can tell the prospect who has been stuck with babysitting duty is anxious. It’s clear in the way he checks his watch for the third time since he sat down in the patient’s vacated seat, and the way he can’t stop bouncing his leg.

“You got a hot date waitin’ on you, Todd?” She teases him gently, and his cheeks flush with embarrassment.

His voice is higher than usual when he answers back, sheepish and uncharacteristically shy at being called out. “My girlfriend. She made dinner tonight, and she’s not a real patient lady.”

“Sounds familiar,” she snorts in response, finishing the buckle on her shoe and slipping her jacket up and over her shoulders. Todd is still just a prospect and obviously has a ways to go before he actually finds himself patched in and able to give his girlfriend the Old Lady title but if she’s as impatient and stubborn as he has lead her to believe over the weeks, Rowan has a feeling she’ll be able to hold her own more than well enough.  “I’ll make you a deal, once we get down to the parking lot we can part ways. I’m just goin’ over to the restaurant anyways, there’s no need to follow me.” It’s clear that he’s about to protest, surely going over the laundry list of threats her husband has made over the last month and Rowan is quick to interrupt. “It’ll be our secret. If you make it home on time maybe you can still get lucky tonight.”

And that has him embarrassed enough that the poor kid doesn’t bother arguing anymore. Instead, they take the elevator down to the main floor where Rowan signs out and they take their leave. His motorcycle is parked next to her car, and they exchange goodbyes and Rowan gets in one more teasing jab about him having a goodnight before the two of them take separate exits. The drive to the restaurant is less than twenty minutes, and Rowan figures if she speeds, she can make it in twelve. But judging by the flashing lights behind her, she has a feeling that hadn’t been her greatest idea. She curses under her breath, pulling over to the side of the road as what she assumes is a police cruiser pulls up behind her. She fumbles to get her license and registration out after rolling the window down and she’s already spewing an excuse when someone approaches the door.

“I know I was speedin’. Sorry, office I---”

But it dies on her lips when the person leans forward and she sees the same woman from a week earlier. “Hey sweetheart. Remember me?”

The words have her blood running cold, but before she can think of an escape plan the familiar feeling of fingers tangling in her hair pulls her back to the moment, her face coming down with a harsh blow to meet the steering wheel. “You should’ve just helped us when you had the chance.” Rowan’s already disoriented, though she begins to fully panic when her door is flung open and she is pulled from the vehicle. After that, everything seems to be muted and dark, she’s barely aware of what is going on around her and she passes out after only a few moments. Two hours later, she wakes up back at the hospital --- this time finding herself in a paper gown and a hospital bed, a heart monitor beeping steadily beside her.

[kayliemusing]

21

1. Is there something you have been trying to learn lately?  - There’s kind of a few, because I feel like they all tie into one. Self acceptance is a big one, self-discipline, productivity, and trusting in God (which has proven to be the hardest thing. It hurts to trust in something you don’t see the outcome of, but it hurts too much not to trust in God.)

2. If you ever feel like you are different from your extended family, in which ways is this?  - My dad/s side of the family is really toxic. There’s a lot of hypocrisy, drama, mental illness, drug addictions, and religiousness on that side (and when I say religious, I mean shame-y religion which I don’t agree with at all.) But my dad was really different from them. He was very kind, open to council, very steady and stable despite coming from such a dysfunctional background, and he loved God so truly that a lot of that pure ‘religion’ that exists within his family was broken off of him, and then I have my mom too, who is very fun, kind, caring, etc, so I grew up around more normalcy than my cousins did. My parents just parented me well and they talked about God to me and my sister a lot in such a good way that I never grew up around pure, shame-y, rule-bound religion which I think is the explanation why I (and my sister) are very different from our extended family. My dad died when I was fifteen so I don’t see that side very often, especially because they’re just entirely chaotic and dysfunctional so when I am around them it’s way more noticeable how different we are. (Sorry for big explanation. I’m in a super reflective mood lol.)

3. When you think about your future career, do you envision yourself becoming the head honcho or CEO? If not, why not?  - I’ve always kind of wanted to have this leader-esque feeling to my career, but no, I don’t see myself being a CEO. I really just want to be an author so I guess I would have some level of being a leader to my own business, but not quite on a CEO type level. Right now, I’m trying to focus on fiction but I’m easily overwhelmed by it so I have been considering other mediums of writing. I just don’t know what that is or what fits right.

4. Is there something that you are sort of weird about talking about? Like, a thing that other people find casual, but you feel uncomfortable when the subject comes up? - Sex, is the first thing that comes to mind, but not sex in general. More like the conversations that are too much, you know? Lol. Some people go really into detail or can be graphic about their sex lives and I’m just like, please don’t. I don’t mind generically talking about it, but there’s a line.   5. Can you think of a time when you seriously misjudged a music artist based on their name?  - I don’t think so. 

6. Do you ever make negative comments about other body types? How does it make you feel when you see or hear negative comments about your body type, or a physical trait that you have (even when it’s not directed at you)?  - Sometimes I have the tendency to judge other body types (i.e. I really don’t like the thigh gap look), but it’s never malicious and I’m always trying to be aware that others can’t help what they look like and if they’re happy in their body, that’s what matters. I struggle with disordered eating and kind of sit on that line between having an eating disorder and not having one so I’m very sensitive about my body and its type. I have a chubby tummy and I’m so insecure that it’s not flat that when I hear anyone say anything negative about not having a flat stomach it’ll ruin my day or I’ll just feel really ashamed.

7. If you are in a situation where you feel like you are being attacked or not respected, how easy or difficult is it for you to stay and keep your head rather than leave in a huff?  - I’ll usually leave the conversation. Maybe slam a door lol. I’ll usually stand my ground until I finally feel like I’m not heard or no one cares and then I’m out.

9. When you think about how attractive you feel and your favorite features, are you comparing yourself to a societal ideal?  - Yes. I happen to be well-acquainted with the comparison game.

10. If you have a favorite song right now: What is it? How did you first hear it? Why do you like it so much?  - My favourite song is probably Coney Island by Taylor Swift right now. It’s from Taylor’s new album Evermore, but I have a couple on that album that tie for my favourite song right now (Honorable mentions: Willow, Cowboy Like Me, Tis The Damn Season). I absolutely love how poetic this song is and I think one of my all time favourite lyrics she has ever written is in that song: “If I can’t relate to you anymore then who am I related to?” This song for me just feels like I’m reading a poem and I just sink right into the story she’s telling. 

11. Have you ever had someone that has been your friend for a while come to you and tell you they had romantic feelings for you? How did you respond, and did the friendship survive?  - I did have a friend of mine tell me they had feelings for me. We had become friends in the eighth grade and then he confessed his feelings for me in the ninth grade, I told him I didn’t feel the same way but we stayed friends and it didn’t ruin anything, and then he confessed again in the eleventh grade and I said no to him again. After that final rejection, we never really made it back to being friends for a few reasons a) We stopped being in the same classes, b) I think he was really hurt and c) his friend (who is most dramatic than a girl by the way, and ironically dating one of my friends at the time) stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and gave his two cents and that was kind of when it fell apart. I didn’t really know his friend so it was weird that he had this narrative of me that he said “was leading X on” when I was just trying to be his friend but it’s whatever now. That was when I was like sixteen lol. 

12. Hypothetically speaking, if Hillary Clinton were running for President as a democrat against Chris Christie as a republican in 2016, who do you predict would win the election?  - Well, since it’s 2021 now, I would predict that Trump would win and divide America. 

13. When you are getting to know someone new online (particularly someone male), how cautious are you of the possibility that they are serial killer/kidnapper? - I honestly never think of this, mostly because we live in such an online world now and I’m an adult. I don’t really know how much of this still happens, but you just don’t hear about it anymore. Not to mention, if it is a male, it’s most likely a pedophile (which is still gross) rather than a killer or kidnapper.

14. If you are talking to someone that you want to get to know, what are your go-to conversation topics? What subject makes you disappointed when another person isn’t interested in or knowledgable about it? - Tbh I feel like I’m really bad at conversations and I don’t know how to lead them because I’m quiet and scared of looking stupid. I know I really like deep conversations more than basic questions. However, it’s very important that I know their opinion on Taylor Swift because if there’s a chance they don’t like Taylor Swift, I already know that the person is probably not worth my time. For real though, if I’m having a conversation with someone, I usually get disappointed if I find out they’re a partier or drink a lot, because I’m really not into any of that stuff so it’s immediately like playing the Sims and having the minus sign appear above my head.

15. Say you have a lot of free time and want to join a club or class. You are browsing postings on local bulletin boards and online. What sort of group would you be interested in joining (e.g., book club, game group, crafts, golf lessons, etc.)? - A romance-only book club, DIY club.

16. Have you ever kissed someone that you didn’t really want to kiss (not assault, just indifference)? Why did you go along with it and how did you feel after?  - Nah I’ve never been kissed

17. Have you recently learned anything about your personality? If not, have you ever consciously tried to change your personality? - Sort of recently, it was something I discovered last year which is that I’m a neurotic perfectionist and what I mean by that is I’m a perfectionist in a very self destructive way. I’ve always known I was ‘particular’ or others would say ‘has high-standards/expectations’ but I realized that it’s literally just perfectionism.

18. Are you or any of your friends in a sorority or fraternity? Would you be interested in belonging to one?  - No and I don’t really understand what they are or why they’re a thing.

19. Can you recall a recent time that you were surprised, but in a bad way? - Yes. When my job eluded that they thought I was stealing from the registers. This happened around September 2020? Basically they didn’t flat out say that’s what they thought, but they made comments that the tills were either short or over at the ends of the night whenever I would be working and dead ass said “it looks suspicious”. I think it was surprising because I’ve worked there was two years and really felt like they should have known my character. (I literally am afraid of getting in trouble for the smallest things and they seriously thought I was capable of stealing from them lmao)

20. Do you feel uncomfortable when you receive praise for doing certain things? If so, does this make you less likely to do those things?  - No totally the opposite. I really struggle with validation and I never feel good enough, which is something I’m working on, but it feels almost like I thrive on praise. Maybe it’s because my love language is words of affirmation?? I just always like/need to know when I’m doing a good job so when I don’t get praise or validation my self esteem plummets. 

21. Do you make spontaneous purchases often or rarely? When you are upset does it make you temporarily happier to buy yourself something new?  - Spontaneous purchases, often because I have no self control lol, but lately I’ve been working hard to try to save more. And yes when I’m upset, it does make me feel better to buy things.

22. If you have to wake up early for something, what time is just TOO early for you to be there and be presentable and sentient? Have you ever had to be somewhere that early?  - 5 am. I think I can manage 6 am, but anything before that is a no from me. I used to work at 5 am when I worked at Chapters, but it was a nice shift because I finished work at 10 am and then went home and napped for two hours and then had literally the entire day.

23. Have the majority of your romantic relationships started with a physical attraction or a deeper connection? - I’ve never had a romantic relationship oops. But at least I read romance novels every day (and I write romance too!) I’ll try to answer this based on what I think would happen. I think it would start as a physical attraction and I think a lot of relationships start that way but they become something when you have a real connection. I think there are relationships that can start the other way though too, but I’d say for me it’ll probably be physical attraction first. 

24. Do you ever catch any of those conspiracy shows on Animal Planet, like Bigfoot hunting or proof of Mermaids? Do those shows make your more or less likely to believe in the existence of such creatures?  - No, but I DO watch ghost conspiracy theories/”REAL GHOST CAUGHT ON CAMERA” videos on Youtube for fun. But no I don’t believe in any of that stuff. 

25. Did you ever write a fan letter to a celebrity? How about submit something to a magazine? - I’ve never technically written a fan letter to a celebrity but I wrote a post on tumblr to Taylor Swift a couple years ago that she’ll never see lol. And I’ve never submitted anything to a magazine, but I’d like to one day. 

[naughtynutboy]

yeehaw yeehaw i got me phone and laptop taken away!!!

im writing this on my phone when im not really supposed to be on it but shh its our little secret

anyway yeah so that happened, it was really just a matter of time and i don't even care anymore cause i can't afford to care. it happened last night after dinner so i just spent the rest of my night finally getting around to re-reading warrior cats lmao

i've been meaning to start re-reading the books like,,, months ago, possibly even a year or more and so i finally did it and i got like 2/3 of the way through into the wild which is epic :)

yes, i am going to be a legal adult later this year and yes i am re-reading warriors and still making ocs, sue me

but yeah so we are vibing over here and i can not wait until my next therapy appointment because there has been a LOT that's happened since my last one that i need to talk abt as you may know if you read through my last vent post lol

if ur wondering why im so cheerful in this post even though things are getting objectively worse, it's because i'm about to go to my dad's house where he doesn't take away my electronics :)) and if he says anything i'm fully prepared to explain to him what's been going on and hopefully he'll understand a bit more

i'm also kinda happy cause i emailed my teacher yesterday asking if there was anything i could do besides the essay that i needed to get done and he said no but he knows i'm a good enough writer that all he needs is the final essay, none of the planning stuff which made me feel a lot better for some reason?? like i still have to actually write the essay which was the main problem but idk it just kinda gave me a little energy/motivation boost to actually do it so i'm gonna try to at least write a paragraph everyday cause something is better than nothing right

so yeah i guess this is just a lil update/follow up to my last vent post. even though things around me are getting worse, for some reason my mental state seems to be getting better?? i might be speaking too soon, idk, but at least right now in this moment i feel good about the future and doing my work. i've kind of just been ignoring the person who keeps telling me to just get over my adhd and that i'm lazy (like actually ignoring, i've spoken like 3 words total over these past 2 days lmao)

though that might not be the best strategy for anyone else cause i know some people related to my situation in my last vent and i wouldn't recommend just ignoring your parents if that's gonna get you into more trouble?? i'm doing it for my own sake right now because i'm sick of getting all upset and then needing like an hour to calm down, so if ur in a similar situation right now pls just use your own judgement and don't make things worse for urself lol

but yeah i've been pretty much as close to rock bottom as i've ever been these past few weeks and i think (hopefully) things are starting to look up for me, at least internally. and i hope the same happens to yall out there soon as well, @ anyone who related to this or my previous vent! if ur really struggling try to focus on ur own mental health before anything else because if ur in a bad place, ur not going to be productive no matter what and ur health matters more than ur grades etc. at the end of the day! :))

[phantasticworks]

Kickstart My Heart

Hi! I’m back with another little drabble! Credit to fi who tweeted something about parent rights and then directed me to a tweet about a child kicking the back of Phil's seat and him just being sympathetic on the parent's behalf. this kind of spiraled out of my control (sorry lmao) but i really enjoyed finally doing some Parent!Phan so i hope you enjoy reading it! 

read on ao3

Words: 4.8k

Description: Phil is having the worst flight of his life. Until he’s not. 

Warnings: I actually don’t think there are any! let me know if i need to tag anything as a warning!

Kick.

Phil flinches.

Kick, kick.

He glances to his neighbor, a woman in her mid-fifties if he had to guess. She’s fast asleep, her book still open on her lap. Evidently the football game isn’t happening behind her seat.

Kick-kick kick-kick.

Whoever it is certainly has some sort of rhythm, Phil thinks to himself. It’s a silly thought, probably, but he’s trying to give the person a chance to prove themselves as someone who isn’t rude enough to consistently kick the back of the seat of a stranger sat in the seat in front of them.

The kicking halts, and Phil breathes a sigh of relief. He hears quiet voices behind him, and he’s assuming that the culprit has been apprehended. He settles back in his seat, looking down at his iPad where he was previously watching a pre-downloaded episode of Free! before the kicking began.

Assuming he’s safe to resume, he unpauses his show, turning the volume down a tad so as not to wake the sleeping woman next to him. He’s barely fifteen seconds in when there’s a pressure on the back of his seat.

He sighs, closes his eyes, and counts to ten.

As calmly as possible, he pauses his show and slides his headphones off entirely, turning to the aisle to peek behind his seat.

A small child of about five is sat there, his big brown eyes meeting Phil’s in what looks like surprise. At the sight of such a small human, Phil pauses.

“Hello,” the little boy speaks, catching Phil off guard.

“Hi,” he replies, smiling.

Suddenly, a third voice enters the conversation.

“Oliver, leave this nice man alone.” Phil’s eyes flicker over to the man beside the child, his eyes meet a pair identical to the ones the little boy possesses. “I am so, so sorry,” the man says, his eyes panicked. “This is his first plane ride and I swear he’s not usually like this, we’ll leave you alone now, right-“

Phil laughs quietly, interrupting his ramble. A little patch of pink appears right above the man’s jaw, and Phil studies it, deciding it’s rather endearing. “It’s fine, really. You’re not bothering me,” he says, the last part directed at the little boy, who smiles at him shyly.

“Still, I’m sorry. I told him to quit kicking the seat, and I think the last one was just to spite me.” The man sends the little boy a look, one that very clearly says “we will talk about this later.”

“Ah,” Phil says, glancing at the little boy. He tuts at him, and the child hides a grin. “Naughty, naughty, aren’t we?”

The little boy, Oliver, shakes his head. “No!” He protests. “’m just bored! Daddy didn’t bring any games for me to play.” He sends a death glare to the man who is apparently his father, but he seems entirely unphased by this.

“I-“ Before the man can really protest any further, Phil speaks up.

“I have some games on my iPad if you’d like to play them.” He glances at the man to gauge his reaction, which is a stunned, sort of hesitant look.

“Really?” The little boy asks, his whole face lighting up.

Phil shrugs. “Sure, if your dad doesn’t mind.” He shares a look with the brunette.

“Erm, that’s really quite kind of you to offer, but we can’t-“

“Nonsense,” Phil says, waving him off. He unconnects his headphones from the jack and clears his apps before going to a section with mostly kids games he keeps for when he’s around his friend’s kids. “Go wild, kiddo,” he says with a smile, handing the iPad over to the little boy.

Oliver’s eyes are big and round as he takes the device, perusing the selection of games with childlike glee. His father stares at him for a moment before snapping his head up to stare at Phil. He opens his mouth, slowly shaking his head like he’s about to insist he takes it back, but Phil isn’t having that. With a wink and a smile, he turns back around in his seat, listening to the sounds of the little boy playing a game behind him.

~~~

It’s probably twenty minutes later when he feels a tap on his shoulder. He startles, as it comes from his right, where he’s positive his seatmate in the middle is still asleep. The person at the window appears to be conked out as well, so he stares in puzzlement, trying to figure out who, or what, tapped him.

A hand comes up between the seats then, and Phil nearly screams in surprise. He just barely manages to turn it into a surprised gasp, and even then, his neighbor shifts a little, as if she’s privy to his near panic-attack.

“Sorry,” a quiet voice comes from behind his row of seats. Phil shifts a little, turning to peer through the area where there’s a space between the seats at the top. The brunette man is smiling sheepishly at him. “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“You didn’t,” Phil lies automatically.

The man smirks. “Right.” They stare at each other for a minute, and Phil’s cataloguing everything about him, from his deep brown eyes, to the concave of a dimple near his mouth, to the way that two strands of his hair are just a bit too short to sweep up into the curly mess waving over his forehead. “I’m Dan,” he says, interrupting Phil’s current attempt at drawing a mental map of the constellation of freckles on his cheek.

“Oh. Phil,” he replies with an awkward smile.

Dan smirks, as if he knows that Phil was just thinking about how cute his little button nose is. “I wanted to say thank you, for being nice to Olly.” His eyes move over to the little boy next to him, staying trained there for several seconds before his gaze flits back to Phil’s. “I really appreciate it.”

Phil waves him off. “It’s not a problem, I promise. I can’t imagine how tough it is being a parent with a small child, especially on a plane. But you’re doing a great job.” He smiles warmly, letting the sincerity seep into his words. He really does mean it, too. Until the kicking had started, Phil hadn’t even realized there was a child so close to him on this flight. This was worlds away from the last flight he took, when all he was aware of was a screaming toddler two rows ahead of him.

There’s a soft smile on Dan’s lips, and the pink patch has made a reappearance. “Thank you,” he murmurs.

“Daddy, can you help me?” Oliver’s voice punctuates the conversation, and Dan offers Phil an apologetic smile before turning to tend to his son.

Phil has just turned back around, trying to hide his own grin as he hears Dan struggle with understanding the mechanics of whatever game his son has chosen. After a few moments, Dan’s voice drops to a near whisper, and Phil strains to hear what he’s saying. He’s listening so intently, with his head tilted back, that the feeling of a little hand tugging at his shirt makes him yelp.

The lady beside him fully wakes up then, giving him a dirty look before shifting around in her seat, snapping her book shut like she has something to prove.

“I’m so sorry,” Phil says quietly to her. He feels the tug again and turns around to come face to face with the child who was previously sat behind him. “Hey, buddy,” Phil greets him with a smile.

Oliver smiles a little shyly before handing Phil the iPad. “Daddy said to give this back to you because he didn’t know how to play the game.”

“Oh, that’s-“

“Olly!” Dan hisses from the row behind him, his voice pitched high in what sounds like embarrassment.

The child grins cheekily up at Phil, who laughs. “Here, why don’t I try to help you out, okay?”

Oliver’s eyes light up and he nods excitedly. Before Phil has the chance to ask what game he was playing, the child is crawling up into his lap, pulling the iPad in Phil’s hand to his own lap before patiently waiting for him to unlock it.

“Oh,” Phil says dumbly. There is a child in his lap. He’s not sure why, but that’s definitely a thing that is happening. “Well, okay.”

He unlocks the iPad and lets Oliver pick the game he needs help on. Phil’s just walking him through what he needs to do to get to the next level when they hear a throat being cleared. It’s probably comical to an onlooker how both of their heads snap up in surprise at the same time. In Phil’s surprise he nearly drops the iPad but has the sense to hold Oliver to his chest, so he doesn’t slip off his lap.

Dan watches this with something between disapproval and endearment in his eyes. “Oliver, I told you to give it back. Not bother him with it.”

Oliver pouts up at his father. “Daddy, he said he’d help me!”

“I don’t mind, Dan, really.” Phil says with a smile.

Dan studies them for a moment, his arms crossed. Phil takes this chance to take in how tall he is, and how he’s having to bend over a little in order to stand up in the cabin. Phil hates that noticing his height makes him even hotter.

With a sigh of what might be defeat, Dan uncrosses his arms. “Fine. But…” He hesitates then, looking at Phil with what might be embarrassment. “I’d feel a little more comfortable if you maybe moved back to our row? There’s an empty seat, and I’d just prefer to be able to see him.” He looks almost apologetic, but Phil completely understands, and he can feel his own face flood with heat when he realizes how creepy he probably looks, allowing a stranger’s kid to sit in his lap to play games on his iPad.

“Yeah, of course. Let me just grab my stuff,” Phil says quickly, before Dan changes his mind. Because Oliver really is a sweet kid and Phil loves kids. He’s trying to convince himself that his eagerness to sit with them has nothing to do with wanting to look at Dan some more.

“Okay,” Dan smiles, the dimple making a reappearance. “Olly, hop up, Phil will come sit with us, okay?”

The child nods and clambers off Phil’s lap to stand next to his seat, waiting patiently. Phil allows him to carry the iPad, much to the little boy’s glee.

Dan’s already moved back to their row, where he’s shifted over to take the window seat. The shutter is drawn, Phil notices absently. Oliver sits down in the middle seat before turning to look at Phil with wide, expectant eyes. “Sit, sit!” He cheers, tugging on Phil’s sleeve.

“Olly,” Dan says, his voice a warning.

Phil laughs good-naturedly before settling into the seat beside the child. “He’s fine, I promise.” He tilts his head to look at the iPad in Oliver’s lap. “Alrighty, buddy, where were we?”

An hour passes, in which Phil struggles through simplifying explanations to the child, before eventually Oliver hands him the tablet and sits up so he can watch what Phil does over his arm. Eventually Oliver decides to move the seat rest, scooting over so that he’s pressed tight against Phil’s thigh. Phil glances up at Dan in alarm, unsure how to handle it, especially with Dan right there watching.

Dan shrugs, and he appears to be biting back a smile. “He has no personal space,” He explains with a fond roll of his eyes.

“Oh,” Phil says dumbly.

“Phil, look! I did it!” Oliver tilts his head back to grin up at Phil, a toothy smile that shows off his missing left front tooth.

“Way to go, buddy! Click on the green arrow and we can try the next level.”

Oliver nods, scrunching his eyebrows together as he sets to work on trying to figure out the second level. Phil stares down at him, a little burst of something like fondness blooming in his chest when he sees the way a dimple carves into his cheek when he presses his lips together. He giggles to himself, glancing up at Dan, who is tapping away on his phone.

“Dan?” Phil says quietly.

The man turns his head immediately, smiling. “Hm?”

Phil nods to his son. “Make that face?” He requests, holding back a laugh as Dan tilts his head, surveys his son’s expression, and then copies it.

When Phil bursts into laughter, Dan frowns. “What?” He asks, his eyebrows furrowing.

“Hold on,” Phil gasps, pulling out his phone and looking for the bread meme. He finds it pretty quickly before tilting the phone for Dan to see. “This is what you looked like.”

Dan looks like he doesn’t know whether to laugh or be insulted, but after sneaking a couple glances at Phil, he smiles. “Alright, alright. No need to bully me, Phil.”

Phil holds his hands up in surrender. “I didn’t! You just had a derpy face.”

Oliver, who’s apparently heard this whole conversation, looks up. “What about me? Do I have a derpy face?” He bats his puppy dog eyelashes, and Phil snorts.

“You look just like your dad,” Phil says, trying not to insult the child. He doesn’t even mean it as an insult, anyway. Dan is cute, and so was the face he’d copied from Oliver. It just so happened to be meme worthy, is all.

The child glances up at Dan, who scrunches his nose at him with a smile. Oliver copies the look and Phil is certain is heart is melting. “I don’t see it,” Oliver announces, turning to Phil with a triumphant look.

Phil smiles, ruffling his hair playfully. “Don’t worry, you’re cute, it was a compliment, bubby.”

Oliver nods, then side eyes his dad. Phil barely knows them, but he can feel like he’s about to say something cheeky.

Sure enough, he smirks up at Phil, looking so much like Dan that it’s almost scary. “So, does that mean Daddy is cute?” He looks pleased with himself as soon as he said it.

Dan, however, flushes. “Oliver!”

Phil doesn’t even flinch, staring down at Oliver with a casually vague expression. “Yep, sure does.”

The child at least has the decency to look abashed, but it only lasts a second. “Daddy broke up with my mommy because he doesn’t like girls.”

“Oliver James,” Dan hisses. This time he sounds less amused.

Both Phil and Oliver glance over at him, and Phil cringes when he sees the fury boiling behind his eyes. “Dan-“

“What?” Oliver groans. “He said you’re cute!”

Dan looks on the verge of arguing, so Phil decides to intervene. “You know, Oliver, I don’t like girls either,” He says, with all the casualty in the world.

Oliver looks vaguely surprised. “Not even your mum?”

Phil laughs, gently knocking his elbow against Oliver’s shoulder. “No, you spoon! She doesn’t count. I love my mum.”

The child nods seriously. “My mum moved to ‘Merica. Daddy said she’s gonna eat all the pancakes.”

“Olly,” Dan sighs. He only sounds vaguely defeated now.

“I love pancakes,” Phil tells the child, ignoring Dan completely. “They’re my favorite food.”

Oliver nods along, lacing his fingers together and placing his hands over the iPad on his lap, which has long since turned off. “Daddy says they’re junk food.”

Phil gasps. “Your dad doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

Dan splutters indignantly. “I- Phil,” He whines. “I had a whole thing going with that. Now I’ll have to make pancakes every day.”

“Oops,” Phil giggles, winking at Oliver. “Guess I ruined that one.”

“Oops,” Oliver parrots, shrugging dramatically.

Dan sighs, shakes his head, and leans back in his seat, his eyes falling shut. “I have lost all control of this situation,” he announces.

Phil shares a look with Oliver, who rolls his eyes, or tries to, at least. “So dramatic,” Phil tuts.

“Drama llama,” Oliver says in a voice dripping with disappointment.

“I can hear you,” Dan mutters.

Oliver pats on Phil’s arm. “Do you make pancakes?”

“Er- sometimes, I guess,” he says, shrugging. The whole changing conversation topics every six and a half minutes is really taking his head for a spin.

The child bounces in his seat excitedly. “You could make us pancakes! Daddy always burns them and scrapes the burn off.”

Phil has a joke on the tip of his tongue but bites it as soon as he sees the death glare Dan sends him. Instead, he smirks. “Maybe your dad just needs someone to teach him how to cook them.”

Oliver nods. “Prolly so.” He glances at Dan, then leans in closer to Phil. In a stage whisper, he says, “Daddy doesn’t let me have whip cream, but he puts it on his. So when he’s not looking, I eat it.” His face is full of glee when he leans away, and Phil can’t help but laugh.

“Well, well, well,” he says, sending Dan a pleased look. Dan narrows his eyes. “I know something you don’t know,” he sing-songs.

Dan rolls his eyes. “You’re a child.”

Phil snorts, gesturing to Oliver. “If he likes me, I reckon I’m doing alright.”

Dan studies him for a long moment, his lip curling up in the hint of a smile. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He glances down at Oliver, his face shifting into something softer, far more affectionate. “I guess you’re right.”

~~~

When the flight eventually lands, Phil’s pretty sure he’ll never be able to stand again. His legs feel like they’re melded into the shape they’re in, and he’s already dreaming of how great it will be to stand up and stretch. He gathers his things quietly, as Oliver is asleep in the seat next to him. He’d fallen asleep laying against Phil’s arm, and Dan had felt so guilty, apologizing profusely. Phil had said it was fine, that he honestly didn’t mind, but Dan still shifted his child so that he was laying with his head in Dan’s lap.

Now Dan was combing through his son’s hair gently, gazing out the window. He’d opened the blind when Oliver went to sleep, and they’d quietly chatted for the rest of the flight. Phil learned that Dan and Oliver lived in London, about twenty-five minutes away from himself. He learned that they were in Florida to visit Oliver’s mum, who Dan split up with four and a half years ago, when Oliver was only five months old. He also learned that Dan was single.

“It’s so pretty,” Dan says softly, almost to himself.

Phil leans over, looking out the window as well. It really was, in a way. It was breathtaking to see the clouds parting around them as the plane descended, and no matter how many times Phil saw it, he’d still always be amazed by it. “It really is,” he replies quietly.

Dan turns his head to look at him. “I’m sorry for bothering you the whole flight.” He looks bashful.

“You didn’t,” Phil assures him immediately. I thoroughly enjoyed spending time with Oliver.” He smiles cheekily when Dan rolls his eyes. “And you’re not bad company, either.”

This has that lovely pink patch reappearing, and Phil marvels at it. “Yeah, well,” Dan mutters. “You aren’t so bad yourself.”

Phil grins triumphantly. He’s about to reply when the wheels of the plane touch down, jostling them. Oliver stirs, but doesn’t wake. Dan cards a hand through his son’s hair, staring down at him with a fond smile.

“Do you want me to help gather your things?” Phil asks quietly.

Dan starts to shake his head, then seems to think better of it. “Actually,” He starts, not meeting Phil’s eyes. “If I wake him up he’ll be a little grumpy, so do you mind holding him while I gather it? He’s less likely to throw a fit since you’re a new person and he’s trying to impress you.”

Phil smiles mischievously. “Is he the only one trying to impress me?”

“Shut up,” Dan says with a blush crawling up his neck. He begins to wake Oliver, probably to avoid confronting Phil’s obvious flirting.

“No,” Oliver whines when Dan shakes him gently awake.

“Shh, I know. Here, Phil wants to see you before we get off the plane.” Dan’s voice is quiet and gentle as he guides Oliver into a sitting position. The child crawls over to Phil’s lap, rubbing his eyes. Phil smiles down at him, but Oliver pays him no attention, snuggling in against Phil’s chest and pressing his face to Phil’s shirt. Phil’s arms automatically go around him, and he feels that same bubble of affection. Children are so sweet, he thinks absently.

Dan takes a moment to stare at them before apparently snapping out of it, quickly and quietly gathering their things into two separate bags. One is clearly Oliver’s, with a dinosaur print on the back, and the other is a black sequined one, likely Dan’s. “Cute bag,” Phil teases.

The brunette sticks his tongue out, and Phil has to bite back his goofy responding smile.

A few moments later everyone is filing out of the plane and Dan looks anxious, constantly glancing up at the overhead bins. “Do you have something you need to get out?” Phil asks.

“Er, yeah. Do you mind grabbing it?” He looks like he hates to ask, but Phil just nods easily.

“Sure.” He starts to stand, then realizes that he kind of has his hands full. “Er…”

“Oh, right.” Dan looks embarrassed. Phil loves the pink patch even more. “Olly, c’mere, Phil’s gonna stand up.”

“No,” Oliver says easily. His little fists dig into Phil’s shirt, and he wraps his legs around him as tightly as he can.

“Oliver, come on.” Dan’s voice is stern.

Oliver shakes his head against Phil’s chest. “No, Daddy.” He doesn’t sound particularly upset or petulant, but his mind is made up.

Phil stares at Dan helplessly. Dan looks right on the cusp of flat out anger, but a voice from the aisle makes them both look up.

“Excuse me, do you two need a hand?” A lady probably not much older than Phil is sat across the aisle, waiting for their row’s turn to stand up and file out the plane.

“Er, we’re fine, thank y-“ Dan starts.

“Yes, actually! Would you mind grabbing the bag above us?” Phil says politely, smiling at the lady gratefully when she nods and stands.

“The blue one?” She asks, already tugging at something.

“Yes,” Dan replies, sounding embarrassed.

Phil glances at him and mouths the word “Sorry.”

Dan shakes his head a little, offering him a half-smile.

“Here you go,” the woman says cheerfully, handing the bag across Phil to Dan.

“Thank you,” They say in almost perfect unison. They glance at each other and snicker, much to the amusement of the good Samaritan who is still standing in the aisle.

“You three are so cute,” She coos.

“Oh, we’re not-“ Dan starts.

“Thank you!” Phil replies, talking over him. She smiles and returns to her own seat, gathering her things. Dan sends Phil a curious look. Phil shrugs. “How weird would it be to say, ‘Oh, sorry, no, this is a stranger! Not the father of my child, we just met today!’”

Dan opens his mouth, then immediately shuts it again. He makes the bread face. “Point taken.” He glances down at the three bags in the chair between them, a sigh escaping his lips.

“Here,” Phil says, reaching out. “I’ll put Oliver’s on his back.”

Dan nods and hands it over, watching as Phil coaxes the child into sitting up enough for the straps to be slid onto his arms. He fusses a little, but Phil shushes him gently, reminding him that good boys on the plane have to wear their own backpacks. Dan rolls his eyes but has a quiver to his lip when he turns away.

It’s finally their row’s turn to exit, and Phil stands carefully, cradling the small child to his chest and slinging his own backpack over his shoulders. He glances back at Dan, raising a brow. “Got everything?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

Phil nods and leads the way, smiling when the flight attendants coo at him. He feels awkward, considering this isn’t his child, but he’s not bothered by their attention. If anything, some sick part of him is thriving off people assuming that he could land someone like Dan and manage to raise a beautiful child with him.

“God, it feels so nice to stand up,” Dan groans behind him when they’re walking through the tunnel back into the airport.

Stopping to allow Dan to walk beside him, Phil grins. “I know, right? I feel like I’m in a little sardine can every time I fly.”

Dan nods, his nose scrunching up in distaste. “I literally hate that description, but that’s exactly what it feels like.”

Phil laughs, slowing to a stop when they’re near some chairs. “Er, I think this belongs to you,” He says as he gently extracts Oliver’s arms from around his neck.

“No!” The little boy cries, hugging him tighter. “No, please don’t leave! We didn’t finish our game!”

“Olly…” Dan sighs. “Phil didn’t come on this flight just to play games with you. He’s got his own life, and we do too.”

“But we could be in it!” He argues. Oliver tucks his face into Phil’s neck and sniffles. He mumbles something that Phil doesn’t catch, but Dan’s face shifts into something like defeat.

“Bub…”

Oliver turns his head a little, glaring at Dan. “You never let me keep anyone. Mummy left, and you sent Ben away, and Uncle Addy doesn’t even come see me!”

Dan’s face crumples, and Phil’s heart splinters. He’s almost positive he’s about to start crying. To save Dan the embarrassment of crying in front of his child or other people, Phil steps closer to him, so Oliver has almost no choice but to tuck his face back against Phil’s chest. “I have an idea, buddy. How about your dad and I exchange phone numbers, that way when you want to see me and play games on my iPad he can let me know? Does that sound like a plan?”

Oliver sniffles, considering it. Phil’s eyes find Dan’s and he watches, his chest aching, as Dan wipes away at a couple tears. He tries to smile at Phil, but it falls a little short, looking more like a grimace.

“I guess… I guess that would be okay,” Oliver mumbles.

Phil smiles, petting his hair. “Okay.” He glances at Dan, allowing his lips to curve up into a smirk. “Your phone number?” He asks, tugging out his own phone and unlocking it.

Dan looks a little speechless but takes the device, creating a contact in Phil’s phone. He taps for a moment, probably sending himself a message so he’d have Phil’s number as well. He hands it back when he’s finished, and Phil tucks it away. “Okay, Oliver, time to go,” Dan says gently.

The child sighs, but slowly detaches himself from Phil, allowing himself to be handed off to his father. He tucks his face into Dan’s neck immediately, and Phil watches with warmth in his chest as Dan nuzzles his cheek against Oliver’s temple.

“Well… I guess we’ll be seeing you soon,” Dan says, his voice bordering on shy.

Phil nods, biting back a smile. “I guess so,” he replies. He lays a hand on Oliver’s head, messing his hair playfully. “Be good, little man. I’ll see you soon, yeah?”

Oliver sits up long enough to wave his little hand. “Bye, Phil, see you later.” He sounds tired, and his eyes are drooping. Phil hopes Dan can handle getting him home before he conks out again.

“Bye, Phil,” Dan says softly. He gives Phil one last lingering look before turning to walk the opposite way. Oliver’s little face peeks up over his shoulder, and he waves one last time before they’re swallowed up by the crowd.

~~~

When Phil gets back to his own flat, he checks his phone for any messages. Seeing his most recent is the text Dan sent himself on his phone, and unable to quell his curiosity, he taps on the chat.

Phil: I was too scared to say it w olly there but u were very lovely to us on the flight and I rly appreciate it. also u r very cute xx

Phil: Is this supposed to be from me to you or you to yourself?

Dan: You spoon Its from me to u

Phil: Oh Well you are very cute too Xx

Dan: U don’t rly have to see us again if u don’t want olly will live I promise

Phil: Ridiculous I want to Does Friday work?

Dan: Friday is perfect x

[seoulscenarios]

College AU! Seo Changbin

Sorry this one is out a little later than usual, but my laptop died and wouldn’t turn on so i couldn’t post it T__T but it’s here now. thank you for all your love and support for this series <3

-Major: Music (Vocal) and Composition

-Minor: business studies

-Sports: none,,, he likes sports but not enough to join in when he could be sleeping or writing music

-Clubs: contrary to his sharp image he could be seen frequenting the art department and literature department when the drawing club and poetry club held their meetings. He really liked drawing, deciding that if a music career was out of the question he could really say a big screw you to his parents and become a tattoo artist lmao. He didn’t go to the poetry club as much as he did the drawing club, he went to get inspiration for lyrics and new metaphors n stuff

-So Changbin a vocal major you say???

-Yes he did enjoy singing, he definitely wouldn’t say he was as good as the other students who were professionally trained from a young age but he had his own vocal colour

-Changbin did truly enjoy his course but he wasn’t,,,, passionate about it

-Unlike everyone else on the course who wanted to be singers or train people to sing,,, he just didn’t have that same mentality

-Which is why he chose to do composition as a way to do what he really liked

-Bc Changbin was a rapper

-And was part of the underground rap trio of 3RACHA with 3rd year Chan and fellow 2nd year Jisung

-They were extremely popular on campus,, it’s just a shame his vocal professors thought otherwise when he came in with a sore throat the next day to class

-They frowned upon rap, saying it wasn’t a viable option for Changbin to perform a rap piece about societal issues and that he NEEDED to sing in order to pass the module which needless to say,,, ended with him writing a few more rap tracks where he dissed the school system lmao (these ended up a HIT with the student body and Changbin frequently heard other students listening or quoting the lyrics which made him immensely proud uwu)

-One time he had to redo a module bc he rapped instead of sang at a recital, despite showing his teacher the song he was going to do and he even performed at rehearsal

-He just said screw it on the actual night and changed the track lmao

-Whilst it went down a storm with the students and his friends in the audience, his professors, examiners and the rest of the audience were extremely shocked and unimpressed

-His professor wanted to fail him but said he had too much potential as an artist that he made Changbin perform again in front of the department in order to give him a grade

-Okay so whilst Changbin did like to screw with his department a few times bc they were never lenient towards his ideas about rapping he did genuinely like his course and it meant he could pursue music, albeit different from what he wanted to do

-It was his minor that really gave him trouble

-You see,, he really hated business with a passion like he wanted to burn all his business textbooks n scream in front of the department building

-But he couldn’t bc it was the only reason he was allowed to study music at university

-His parents really did not approve of his career choice, citing how unreliable and unstable it was for the future you know the general consensus a lot of parents have about going into the arts instead of something safe like economics or bsiness or law

-It took countless months of arguing and persuading his parents that he didn’t want to do anything but music that the conceded only IF he picked up business as his minor

-Like,,, don’t get me wrong he could see where his parents were coming from but at the same time,,,, Changbin has such passion for the music world that he couldn’t see himself anywhere but a recording studio writing songs and lyrics, maybe even performing them himself

-He finally wore his parents down by showing them the feedback from his teachers in high school and online where he posted some of his self made tracks that they conceded

-But the business aspect of his course

-Made him want to die :)

-Changbin most certainly did not care for monopolies or business strategies that helped to improve profit margins for a corporate business

-This was exactly what Changbin hated and wrote songs about how it destroyed society but u know,,, it’s fine really

-Until he has to write three 2000 word essays on some business bullshit that he realises just how much he hates business

-Changbin was scarcely passing his business modules, praying to get at least 40% so he could pass instead of having to redo any of the work lmao (if that’s not me @ my modules)

-You could always see him when it was coming up to his deadlines at the library with Woojin cooing over him soothingly, as Changbin was trying NOT to cry about how much he hated business

-If Minho was studying there as well he would buy Changbin stress coffee and they would both sit there complaining about how awful deadlines were lmao

-Though,,,, Changbin was much better at handling the stress than Minho who just downed coffee after coffee

-Changbin just had a idc attitude when it came to his business stuff, saying if he failed it’s not much of a loss bc my parents think I’m wasting my time anyway (oof this hits a little close to home I wont lie)

-But anyway, Woojin would always help him revise for his business exams and would test him on case studies n vocabulary he needed to learn so he never went into them completely clueless

-Once,,, he literally ran to Woojin’s dorm after he got 68% on a business exam and he promised to buy Woojin all the chicken in the world for helping him

-Now, now that’s a tad excessive don’t you think?

-Hyung, I owe you my LIFE

-Changbin NO, just treat me to dinner once and consider it done

-Wow we don’t deserve Woojin

-Speaking of dorms,,,, Changbin rented out an apartment with Hyunjin and Seungmin and well,,,, their apartment was messy as hell

-Okay so first of all,,, they all studied different courses so their lounge area was just a mess of lyrics sheets, bits of fabric and law books strewn all over the place

-Law books served as coasters for left over coffee mugs and more often than not you could always find bits of scrap fabric in them if they’d be left out for too long lmao

-The three of them make Sunday cleaning day bc otherwise,,, well they’re apartment might become inhabitable

-So,,,, back to the plot

-You knew Changbin though it had been a while (read: middle school) since you had last seen him

-One could even say you were really close friends until you had to move away due to your fathers’ job and when u told baby Changbin this,,,, he cried and refused to speak to you and when he finally got round to the fact you were leaving,,,, you had already moved and even though you posted him a letter he didn’t read it out of spite (though he still had the letter uwu,, not that he would let anyone know)

-But ever since you moved away, you never got as close to anyone as you did with Changbin all those years ago and your heart ached a little every time you thought of your childhood friend

-However, you were grown up now and whilst you still got tinges of sadness you were over it and tried your best at your entrance exams so you could get into a good college

-You decided to major in psychology bc you really enjoyed the analysis of people and how the brain worked

-However,,, the uni you went to kinda sucked and you weren’t progressing as much as you thought you would be which made you,,, very frustrated

-So you began to look into other colleges and you contacted one that seemed to have an extremely high satisfaction and employment rate

-When you told your parents that you decided to move college they were apprehensive but when you explained why they did support you

-They were even more supportive bc it was the college that their friends’ son goes to and oh maybe they get in contact with them so their son could show you round campus

-Before you could protest they were on the phone setting up the arrangement

-So when your second year of college rolled round you found yourself at a new college and a new dorm with your stuff in boxes

-Your parents helped you move most of the stuff in but they had to leave early due to a business meeting (lol wasn’t that just ur life though)

-Without so much as a “goodbye sweetie let us know how it all goes” and a hasty kiss to the cheek they left you in the dust with 3 heavy boxes full of stuff you had to move in by yourself

-You sighed, heaving the boxes on top of each other praying that someone would see your struggles

-Luck was on your side that day it would seem

-As you struggled to pick up the three heavy boxes, you felt the weight lighten immensely and a voice piped up

-“You look like you need help, what room are you in?”

-“Uhh, 203”

-“Sweet let’s go”

-Something about the boy seemed familiar but you couldn’t quite place it as you followed him up the stairs to your dorm room

-Once you reached the door you told the boy it was fine and you could take it from here but he insisted on taking the boxes through for you

-Sighing, you fished the keys out of your pocket and unlocked the door, whilst simultaneously apologising for the mess ur room was in

-The boy just laughed, placing the boxes in an empty space as he observed the piles of textbooks and clothes thrown around your room and you froze

-You recognised that laugh

-Your eyes followed him as he took an innocent look around the stuff on your desk, watching him pick up a textbook and flipping through it

-Something seemed to have caught his attention, right at the front of the book and he turned round to look at you scrutinising your face

-“C-changbin?”

-“Y/N?”

-The two of you stared at each other, eyes wandering around the now unfamiliar curves and contours of your faces

-“My parents told me that you were transferring but I didn’t think I would actually see you so soon” changbin said warily, hand coming up to scratch the back of his neck

-“Oh, um, yeah bad college for first year thought I’d try my luck some place different” you replied awkwardly, placing the box you were still holding onto the floor

-“Well,, it’s been a while”

-“Hmmm”

-The room lapsed into an awkward silence and Changbin traced the name in the textbook he was holding, in disbelief that he had finally found his childhood best friend again

-You, on the other hand, couldn’t believe how well Changbin had grown up

-Like he wasn’t a chubby kid but he had truly grown up,,, and well u felt ur throat well up in sadness at the fact you weren’t by his side as he grew up

-“I have to go back,,, it was nice seeing you again Y/N and I’ll catch you round?” changbin’s voice cut through your thoughts and you just nodded, not trusting your voice at that moment

-Of all the days to encounter to your old best friend, it just had to be on your first day at your new college you thought bitterly, glaring at the mess all around you before sighing, knowing it was no use being bitter about it before starting the lengthy process of unpacking

-Changbin, however, as soon as he got back to his apartment began to refile through trying to find the letter you had left him all of those years ago

-Hyunjin and Seungmin heard all the noise and decided to investigate

-Nothing could prepare them for the sight of Changbin with tears marking his face and a slip of paper with childish handwriting on, surrounded by hundreds of other sheets

-They just glanced at each other before leaving the doorway, deciding to confront him about it later

-Changbin didn’t notice his two flatmates, too busy tracing your childish scrawl

-“Binnie!! I know you are angry at me for leaving but I can’t help it. Dad got a new job T__T. I wish I could stay with you. If you are reading this, it means I already left. Ahh, what to do I’m crying. Please write to me Binnie, I wrote my new address on another piece of paper! Love your best friend, Y/N xxxxxxx”

-He reached into the envelope, pulling out another piece of paper where you had written your address as neatly as you could,,, obviously you had gone through much pain to get it as neat as possible so he could read it

-His heart began to ache, knowing that he had the means to contact you all those years ago but he had been an angry child

-Changbin wiped the tears from his face before putting the two pieces of paper back in the envelope and placing it delicately on his desk next to his lyrics book

-He sat on the floor, contemplating his options

-Like on the one hand, he wanted to really talk to you and get his best friend back but on the other hand, he was unsure if you wanted to or whether you had really moved on

-Throwing caution to the wind, he decided that he would try and talk to you again

-I mean he knew where you lived,,, he wondered if you still liked strawberry milk and jellies

-The next day you were surprised to see Changbin at your door holding a carton of strawberry milk and a packet of jellies

-You let him, secretly glad that he came to see you after your awkward encounter yesterday

-“I realised yesterday I was a complete ass, and I guess I was all those years ago for not opening your letter and realising that we still could’ve been friends if I just opened it” he said, standing awkwardly at your desk whilst you sat on the bed

-You laughed at how sad he looked, patting the space next to you gesturing for him to sit there

-His eyes widened before perching right on the edge of the bed,,,, you laughed again and just slapped his arm

-“It���s okay Changbin! Fresh start, we’re both ‘adults’ now so no hard feelings. Tell me about yourself and I’ll tell you what happened to me”

-For the next few hours, you found at everything about Changbin

-From how much he hated business to his new friends, all the way to the fact he was part of an underground rap trio with two of his other friends

-You were impressed, you knew Changbin liked to write lyrics from a young age and you were so proud he honed in on that passion to pursue a career in it

-Changbin listened raptly as you told him all about how much you suffered through high school, feeling like you didn’t have your life planned out like everyone else did and how you ended up taking psychology bc you enjoyed watching people and wanted to know more about how humans worked on a psychological level

-Without realising, the two of you fell back into your old rhythm like nothing hadn’t happened in the years you had been apart

-It had turned dark by the time you and Changbin had finished catching up with each other

-Changbin’s eyes widened as he checked his phone, both at the time and the hundreds of notifications he had gotten from all his friends including a concerned Felix (which NEVER happened)

-“Oh my god I really need to go before my friends send out a search party and they think I’m finally dead”

-“It’s fine! I didn’t think we had been talking for so long” you laughed at him, pushing him off the bed and towards the door

-Changbin’s hand was on the handle before he whipped back around so quickly you were worried for a hot second

-“I need your number. I won’t let myself screw this friendship over again” he handed you his phone and you felt your heart get all warm at the sentiment

-You put your number into his phone, with the contact name of “best friend, again” which Changbin smiled at before pulling you into a hug and running out of the door

-You smiled softly at his retreating figure, shutting the door and laying on your bed

-You hadn’t felt this happy in a long while, you finally had your best friend back

-Changbin on the other hand, got back to his apartment full of his 8 friends who all demanded to know where he had been without a single word to any of them for the past 11 hours which was very unlike him

-“Wait,,,, what’s with that look on your face?” hyunjin inquired, leaning forward to study changbin’s face

-“What look?” he asked confusedly

-“You never look this happy unless Felix is hugging you or you finished a particularly diss full track towards your professors or the government hyung” jeongin answered innocently, nestling further into Chan’s arms

-Felix looked particularly smug at this fact, but he too wanted to know what caused his hyung to go AWOL for hours

-“I,,,, met an old friend and we were catching up and lost track of time” Changbin shrugged

-“Hyung…. You never look this happy when meeting old friends? They must be special to you” Felix said, studying Changbin’s face closely and he was surprised to see his ears reddening slightly

-“Um,,,, you could say that we were best friends when we were kids”

-“hmmmmm”

-“……….”

-Suddenly Seungmin’s face cracked into a huge smile, piecing the puzzle together

-“Changbin hyung,,,, is the same best friend that, when drunk last year, told me that you were angry that they left you alone at school when they moved away”

-“………..”

-“The one you had a crush on?”

-“O K A Y PUNK LISTEN HERE-“

-Whatever Changbin was going to say,,, we will never know as Woojin threw a hand over changbin’s mouth before he could cuss out seungmin who was sat there smugly

-Changbin sighed against Woojin’s hand and slumped back

-Woojin released his hand warily, signalling for Changbin to explain

-“Yes this is that friend, their name is Y/N”

-The boys all smiled, knowing that you meant a lot to changbin and had been the subject of many of Changbin’s songs

-ANYWAY

-You and changbin quickly rekindled the flames of your friendship extremely quickly despite college starting, you always managed to find time to meet up

-Heck, you even found yourself joining him in the recording studio some nights helping Changbin with lyrics or just giving him some company

-The boys had taken an immense liking to you and quickly adopted you as the 10th member of their squad

-You were even a priority member of the underground club 3RACHA frequented at, much to the chagrin of the many fangirls who had been on the guestlist since last year

-Perks of being childhood friends with one of the members

-It’s here where you see Changbin in his true element

-You saw all his passion and rawness for the issues he spoke up for present themselves in such a beautiful and hard hitting way

-You couldn’t help but cry at one of the tracks he performed with Jisung about the effect bullying could have on students in school

-Changbin pulled you into a hug after the performance had ended, apologising for making you cry during the gig (the other boys began waggling their eyebrows at him suggestively and he had to physically restrain himself from throwing cusses at them, choosing to glare at them whilst hugging you)

-Over the next few weeks you couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment you began to look at Changbin differently than you did

-Sure,,, as a kid you admit you did have a crush on him but then don’t most kids crush on their best friends?

-But this,,, was more than a sweet puppy love

-You began to notice the little things at first, the way his eyes would widen when he had a spark of inspiration, the way his eyebrows would furrow when he tried to study for business and then the bigger things began to form with how he always had an arm slung around your shoulders when you walked across campus or when you had a bad day he would turn up at your dorm with hugs and a carton of strawberry milk

-You fell in love with him naturally, like it was almost fate

-Little did you know, Changbin too felt this way as well

-He noticed everything you did, how you fiddled with your sleeves when you were nervous about something, the way your eyes crinkled as you laughed at a story Felix was telling you or the way you clung to him when you watched a horror film with the boys at Jisung and Jeongin’s dorm

-He began to write songs about you, and decided that this was the only way he could confess confidently

-Every moment he spent with you he wouldn’t exchange it for the world

-Besides, the whole campus seemed to think you were dating anyway

-It was the end of first semester and 3RACHA were holding another gig to celebrate and naturally you had to go hype up your best friend and celebrate your psych essays being over

-Unbeknownst to you, Changbin was going to perform the song he had written for you that night in a hope that you would understand how he felt about you

-As the lights came up, you couldn’t help but be in awe at how beautiful Changbin was in that moment

-As the gig progressed, both Chan and Jisung had performed solo tracks and you knew that Changbin had to be performing one as well

-Just then, a spotlight appeared and your attention was captured immediately as Changbin began to rap about a close friend and how they changed his entire life for the better

-You frowned slightly, trying to figure out who it was

-Felix maybe? He does like Felix a lot

-Towards the end of the song the lyrics seemed familiar and you realised,,, it was the lyrics you had helped with all those weeks ago

-Your eyes widened as they met Changbin’s dark eyes, and moved closer to you table much to the delight of the boys

-As the song reached the end, Changbin was stood in front of you and reached out to cup your face gently

-You leaned into his touch, looking up at him with hooded eyes

-Without much prompt, Changbin leaned down and kissed you gently causing everyone in the room to holler and wolf whistle

-You break apart from him, a grin spreading across your lips and the thought of Changbin’s lips on yours as he goes to finish the rest of the gig

-DATING CHANGBIN:

-After that day, you and changbin became an official item much to the surprise of practically everyone on campus who thought you were dating already ooops

-Dude least we can stop hearing you pine about how perfect Y/N is

-Oh that’s what you think,,,, now I can torture you about how much I freaking love them

-hyUNG NO PLEASE NO

-Dating Changbin was very much just being best friends, with more skinship

-Bc Changbin LOVED skinship

-He always had an arm around your shoulder or holding your hand as you walked anyway and when you were talking to people he always had you in a back hug,,, which made it uncomfortable for the other person at times esp if they didn’t know changbin

-I mean he looked scary and you were completely unfazed that he was hugging you as you were chatting about some psychology case study you were both studying for Prof Kim’s class

-nOT that Changbin was a jealous or possessive boyfriend, as some were inclined to think, he just a RBF and liked to hug you whenever you were together

-You certainly didn’t have a problem with it, leaning into his touch whenever his arms were around you

-Though he did get a little jealous sometimes when people at bars tried to flirt with you even when he was RIGHT THERE and had his arm around your waist

-He was just more frustrated at the fact the other person couldn’t get a hint so 9 times out 10 he ended up pulling you in for a kiss before pulling away to smile smugly at the other person

-They soon got the hint and stopped trying to hit on you

-You just laughed, leaning in him to kiss again before dragging him home before he got jealous again

-You woke up the next day with Changbin tracing his fingers lightly against your hips and thighs, making random patterns whilst softly smiling at you

-This was your favourite way to wake up tbh, like it was so soft and so utterly intimate that you craved his touch even more

-When the two of you turned up late to a meeting with the boys they just shook their heads at changbin’s messy hair and your slightly swollen lips

-Most of your guys day was spent in the recording studio or music practice room as changbin was writing songs or practice for an upcoming performance for his course, you were there with your psychology textbooks feet in his lap if he was sat at the mixing desk or sat on the floor in the practice room

-The two of you spent hours there, working in relative silence just happy to be in each others presence as you prepared for your upcoming projects and stuff

-Sometimes you helped him with his lyrics if he was struggling with wording a certain phrase or he wanted your opinion on a particular beat

-You also helped him revise for business, which you knew he hated but you wanted him to do well so sometimes you had to bribe him

-Changbin for every right answer ill give you a kiss

-roGER THAT

-The helping out was mutual as changbin too assisted you when you needed

-He could often be seen in the library or campus café holding your flashcards and notes, quizzing you about psychology case studies and terminology for your upcoming exams

-Changbin also liked to reward you with kisses every time you got an answer right,,,, though sometimes he was feeling childish and purposely said that you got an answer right when u hadn’t just so he could kiss you more lmao

-Changbin you know you don’t need a reason to kiss me…. You’re literally my boyfriend??

-Yeah but reward kisses are good!!!

-Not when you purposely lie to me so you can get kisses!

-How did you know I was lying?????

-Babe,,, I’m literally a psychology student I KNOW when you lie. And we’ve been friends since middle school so I’ve seen you lie for a good long while. Also,,,, I purposely got this answer wrong to see what you did lmao

-BABE WHAT THE HECK WHY???

-You’re too cute sometimes

-ANYWAY

-You and Changbin are the type of couple to wear couple clothes without realising it

-Like,,,, you would both be wearing oversized black hoodies and black beanies when you go for bbq with the boys one day and Felix was like,,,,, u planned this and ur both like ???? planned what????

-Speaking of hoodies,,, and clothes in general

-Changbin leaves his stuff at yours a lot in the hopes that you wear it one day,,, esp his shirts and hoodies bc he is that kind of boy that loves this kind of stuff then gets all blushy when you do

-Like when you turned up to a date one day wearing his favourite hoodie he MELTED at how cute you looked

-For your 6th month anniversary,,, you decided to get official couple stuff but like,,,, u didn’t want a ring

-You settled on getting a couple earring,,, which was adorable and Felix literally screamed when he saw you both wearing it one day

-Also,,,, at first you didn’t know that Changbin liked to draw until you find his sketches on the desk in his room where he hastily put them last night after drawing club

-You were looking through them when he turned up with a bag of takeout and he began to blush

-BABE these are really good!?!”$”

-They’re really not though!!

-Yes they are wow what can’t you do

-Business studies

-Oh you’re right there

-He told you that night that he wanted to be a tattoo artist if the music career didn’t work out and you clapped your hands in glee

-I mean you always wanted a tattoo so what better way than get your boyfriend to design one for you

-He protested this at first, claiming he wasn’t a great artist that warranted you to have something of him tattooed permanently to your body

-You, however, managed to convince him to design something small that you BOTH could get

-Screw couple rings, you guys went straight for the couple tattoo ;)

-Safe to say when the boys found out they all screamed, Felix sobbed in the corner whilst woochan hugged each other claiming that their kids grow up so fast

-When you finally got them done you couldn’t help but run your fingers over it every day,,, and your fingers always found themselves finding Changbin’s and running your fingers over it softly

-Ugh it was so soft and Hyunjin’s eyes rolled whenever he saw the two of you laying on the sofa hands running over each others tattoos and kissing each other softly

-Baso,,, u and changbin were just best friends who fell in love

-Slowly,, then all at once

-And you wouldn’t change it for the world

again,,, thank you for giving this series so much love it means the world to us!!!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #192

“i’d love to give you wings, but babe, you’ve got to grow them.”

Where have you lived throughout your life? The same general area in North Carolina. Do you find your job rewarding? N/A What kind of cake did you have for your last birthday? I'm sure it was red velvet. To you, which is better: English muffins or bagels? I enjoy both, but bagels. Do you paint your nails? No. What’s the last website you signed up for? Good question... maybe a feral dog RP forum I was considering making a character on? Do you check your email everyday? I'm getting into the habit. Have you created any pages on Facebook? Yeah. Is there a subject that you absolutely suck at? Social studies/history, math. What’s your favorite song by Dave Matthews Band? I have no idea who that is. Are there people you have absolutely nothing in common with, but still enjoy talking to? Maybe? Have you ever wandered around drunk with your friend? No. Are you good at holding back your laughter if needed? Nooo, not at all. Have you ever been so unfortunate to suffer from a hangover? No. Have you ever had a panic attack? Plenty. Are you deathly allergic to anything? No. Have you ever had a mouse in your house? Yeah. In our old one, anyway. Do you know anyone who DOESN’T have an ex? Not personally, I think. Is anyone you know really religious? Welcome to the South. Yes. Are your eyebrows naturally thick? I'd say they're average. Has speaking in front of people ever made you sick? No. I haven't spoken in front of an actual audience since my senior project, though. It was hard, but I think I did well. What was the last movie that made you teary-eyed? I'm not sure. Moana may have gotten me a bit teary? But if no, Coco absolutely did. Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other? I think "hate" is a strong word for it. Has a laptop ever burned your legs? Yes. I legitimately had dark spots on my right leg for a long while. Do you know anyone who has a scar through their eyebrow? Juan. Who was the last person to flip you off? Idk, but I'm sure it was playfully. Anyone’s birthday coming up soon? Miiiine! And my friend Alyssa's. Would you ever wear fake eyelashes? Sure, in rare circumstances. Are you good at following directions? No. I have zer-O sense of direction. Do you have someone that you can just act a fool with and not care? Sara. From where you’re sitting, can you touch a wall? Yeah, behind me. When at a restaurant, do you put your napkin on your lap? Not unless I'm with my grandmother. She's extremely "proper" about things. Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners? Electric. Are your biceps at all noticeable? No. Have you ever seen a walrus? Are there any at SeaWorld? Otherwise, no. When it comes to dropping food, do you believe in the 10 second rule? HELL NO. I'm a germaphobe with that stuff. If given the opportunity, would you ride on a camel? Sure? Do you believe that cellphones actually do cause cancer? I don't recall the science behind this theory, so idk. When people you know cry, does it make you feel like crying too? Oh yes, especially if it's someone I'm very close to. Particularly, I can't handle Mom, my sisters, or Sara crying. I've never seen Dad cry, but if he ever did, I know I would bawl. Do you tend to jump to conclusions? Was this written as a direct @me??????? Are you good at remembering your friends’ birthdays? NOPE. I only remember... Sara's, Connie's, Caleb's (just because it's on Halloween), Shaylee's, and that's literally it out of friends/acquaintances. Is there something you need to do, that you’re trying to avoid doing? Actually use WiiFit. I'm doing periodic exercises throughout the day, but I need to dedicate more and be able to see my center of balance. Ever pop someone else’s pimple? NONONONONO IT'S SO GROSS TO ME How long does it take you to fall asleep? No less than 15 minutes, I think usually more. Do you crack your neck often? I can't. Did you have a weird dream last night? OH MY GOD YES. I was awkwardly with one of my acquaintances at his house somehow????? and we both seemed very uncomfortable??????? and I think I was high or some shit???????????????? I don't even know this person well enough to like-like him?????????????? Who do you sometimes compare yourself to? My sisters and successful friends. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Doing the right things. But I aim for both. In what way are you your own worst enemy? I criticize. The. Hell out of everything I do. What activities make you lose track of time? Video games. When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?” Full offense, you're an absolute dick if you do that. Who do you tell your secrets to? Nobody really unless there's reason to, and only ever Sara, Mom, or my therapist. Who do you live with? Mom and the pets. When did/will you graduate? '14 for high school. Idk when I will for college, gotta get there first... When are you moving next? Probably when Sara and I are ready for our own place. When is the last time you took a vitamin? I have to twice a week now, so Thursday, because I have an incredible vitamin D deficiency, and that's probably what's causing my knee problems. Why are you stressed? The everlasting weight loss struggle. Do you need to return anyone’s phone call? No. Where do you keep your birth certificate? It's in a safe. How many books are in your room? Uhhh like three? Then one coloring book. Have you ever been IN a wedding? I was the immensely triggered and ugly bridesmaid at my older sister's. Weddings were a very sensitive thing to me at the time, so while I was so happy for Ashley, I had a very difficult time and cried numerous times. What was the last thing you laughed out loud at? I think during a Mark video? Do you have a nickname? Why? "Britt" for obvious reasons, and Mom's called me "Twinkie" since I was a baby. She gave all her children sweets-based nicknames. Fuck out my face if you think that ain't the cutest damn thing. Have you ever had a bad concert experience? No. When was the last time someone told you that you were beautiful/good-looking? Do people often tell you this? I think the last time was when Sara said I looked really pretty with eyeliner on and I just eeeeeeeeeek. I'm not often told it. Are you missing someone of the opposite sex atm? Not romantically. I'd like to see Girt as a bud; I'm gonna invite him to my birthday dinner to hang out. Hopefully he doesn't have work. Want someone back in your life? Yes. Are you currently sad about anything? Weight. Unbelievable difficulty getting my fucking transcript and inability to find my ACT score so I can go back to school. Are you wearing anything shiny? My lip ring has gems on it, and they shine a bit in the right light. How important is a sense of humor in a significant other? I need it. I don't think I could really enjoy a constantly serious person as a partner. How many followers do you have on Twitter? Idk, don't care to check. I only ever use it to be able to like Mark's shit lmao. Do you sleep with the door open or closed? Open so Roman can go in and out. Have you ever been to the beach? Multiple times. Can you handle blood? Doesn't bother me a bit. Do you pay your bills or do your parents? My parents. I have no source of income to. What’s your best friend’s middle name? Jane. Has any place hired you underage for a job? No. Have you ever barely passed a grade/year in school? In college courses when my mental state was at its worst. Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? No. Have you ever tried to sell something overpriced to someone? No, I don't think so. Do you plan to become very wealthy some day? "Very" is unlikely, but I am dead serious about being at least perfectly financially stable one day. I refuse to live how I have my whole life so far, wondering if rent will be paid each month 'n things like that. Do you remember your first time going to the movies? No. Does eating breakfast make you sick? No. Are you dying to say something to someone right this minute? No. Well, not dying to, but after this whole revelation I had, I really want to apologize to Jason. I wasn't without evil in how I responded to and treated him after the breakup. Book series you enjoyed reading recently? I haven't read a series in years. Do you enjoy lying in the grass during the summer, and just existing? Nooo. Summer sucks and lying in grass is super uncomfortable. Do you have a passport? If so, how many stamps do you have in it? No. Are there any keys on your keyboard that have letters fading away? Not fading, but literally gone from the keyboard because this one is horrible, even after being "fixed" or replaced (idr). No joke, 21 are gone. Sooo I have to smash those buttons for the sensor or whatever to understand I'm pressing them, to the point my fingers, especially right pointer, are mildly callused. Do any of your close friends have children? No close ones, but one I'm hoping to reconnect more with it expecting. What do you plan on having for dinner? Probably a sandwich and nutrition shake to get enough calories to take my medicine and get the intended effect. Do you like Chinese food, or do you find it disgusting? The only things I enjoy now are fried rice and eggrolls, but I used to like sweet and sour chicken and bird on a stick or whatever its proper name is. Have the police ever come knocking on your door looking for someone? Once. Know anybody who works in a tattoo parlor? We're not like, "real" friends, but I know a good number of and get along great with the employees at the parlor I'm a regular customer at. I want to work there so badly. Small, environment I feel at home at, great people. Have you ever played flashlight tag? Don't even know what that is. Could you call yourself a movie buff? Not at all. Have you ever had a piercing get infected? A second hole in one of my earlobes, and the first time I got my tongue done, there was an abscess inside that indicated one was likely to form. Thank God that the rollercoaster of The Tongue Piercing Woes has ended. Do you check your fire alarms when you’re supposed to? Mom does occasionally. Are you a shorts wearing kind of person? NOOOOO MY LEGS ARE NOT OKAY. Plus I chafe. Is your grandparents’ house obsessively tidy? Ohhhh I'm sure. I haven't been to her house since I was a kid, but I remember it being like, pristine. Her rooms at her son's is neat as hell too. About how much can you bench press? I have no clue. Have you ever had your phone die on you in the middle of a conversation? Yeah. Is anybody in your family a carpenter? Not to my knowledge. Are you avoiding someone? No. Do you call your boyfriend “Monkey”? I have a gf, and I have never in the least understood how that's a term of endearment. What’s your favorite primary color? Red. What were you for Halloween? Nothing, ugh. I haaave to dress up this year. Do you have any clothes from Walmart? Yeah. When did you get a Facebook? I have no clue. What color are your eyes? Grayish-greenish blue. What motivates you? How far I've already come, wanting a better future than I have now, encouragement from friends, family, my therapist, and psychiatrist, the drive to thoroughly enjoy my one mortal existence. Can you walk in heels? Not well. When was the last time someone asked you your age? Ummm, last time I got something done at the parlor, I think? Do you keep a journal? No. Have you ever tried a weird flavor of vodka? No. Do you wear a ring on your finger? One, my friendship ring with Sara. What are you doing? This, listening to Asking Alexandria's "Closer" NIN cover (no shame), and waiting for Girt to reply on Facebook. What’s the last kind of soup you ate? A bit of vegetable. Do you currently have a sunburn? No. Who did you last text? Mom. Who’d you last call? About what? My old college to find out why I couldn't get my fucking transcript after weeks upon weeks of being directed to different people about it. I regret going there immensely. Complete waste of time and money. Are you currently frustrated with someone? I'm really frustrated at myself. Do you drink water or soda more often? I'm actually not sure... Do you straighten your hair? No. When did you last talk to your brother or sister? One, not since Christmas, and the younger, a few days ago. All my half-siblings have been forever, and one I've never spoken to. What is your least favorite vegetable? Probably asparagus. Or beans. Outside of family, name 3 people that make you smile/laugh often. Sara, Mark, Shane Dawson. In school, what subjects did you achieve your highest grades in? English or art, idr. Was there a subject that you enjoyed, but weren’t too good at? No. When was the last time something didn’t go to plan? What happened? Being into what's called "vulture culture" now (at least to a certain degree), I searched for quite a while for the bones of the very first opossum I photographed (I have a photography "series" focused on exposing the horror of roadkill to hopefully influence people to be more careful and vigilant), but despite thorough searching, I couldn't find it. Gruesome, but Mom speculated the remains were destroyed by whoever mows the grass there. Do you have any children? If not, at what age do you think you’ll feel ready to be a parent? No, and never. When was the last time you bought a new item of clothing? Describe it. Uhhh. I seriously have no clue. Maybe some underwear months ago. Was your last Facebook friend request from a male or female? Idk who the last person was. Do you have an item of clothing that makes you feel especially beautiful? Describe it. No. Think of the last person that betrayed you. If they said they were sorry, would you forgive them? I can literally almost guarantee Colleen shared our whole goddamn conversation and shit on Facebook after our last talk, as she did the first time too. Too many times our business became everyone's. I'd forgive her, but I refuse to ever be friends again. Nastiest thing you've ever done? I hate talking about this, but okay. When I was deep into my suicidal depression phase, I had a hard time brushing my teeth as needed. Like... I wouldn't for days. I avoided brushing my hair as long as I could too. Anyone who doesn't believe in how deeply depression is capable of chaining you down and making vital things almost impossible, go get fucking educated. Have you ever been in a lighthouse? No. What color is your shower? White. Where do you order your pizza from? Ideally Domino's, but sometimes Little Caesar's. When is the last time you had a serious talk with someone? Yesterday. Do you find that you have a certain meal you eat every time you go to certain restaurants? Oh yes. I rarely try something new. What color is your bike? N/A What word can you not stand to hear people say? The “n” word. What room of your house are you in? My bedroom. What is the temperature in your city right now? Apparently 38 F. When did you last use a post-it-note? No idea. Would you ever want to own your own restaurant? No. Do you have a fan in your bedroom? I have three lmao. My room is unbearable in the summer. Who is the last person that you took a picture with? Sara. When is the last time you were stuck in a fairly long traffic jam? A couple months or so back when there was an accident. Do you have certain friends that you hug every time you see them? All my friends. When was your most recent trip to an aquarium? 2016 visit to the beach. We went to the aquarium there and it absolutely sucked. What do you like in your salads and what dressing do you prefer? Just lettuce (but I can also handle cucumbers) and the Olive Garden dressing. If it has one, do you ever use the notepad function in your phone? Occasionally. Rn I have tattoo ideas written in it. Surprised? How good would you say your memory is? Absolutely horrible, lately worse than ever. I worry about it quite a bit. About how many times during the night do you wake up from your sleep? Once or twice. Are there any air fresheners in your house? What kinds? Not currently on or anything. What’s one thing you’re glad you’ve done recently? Improved on picking up the phone when I don't know the number. Have you ever done something sexual that you regret? Well, I've talked about flirting with my friend's bf as a pre-teen, and it wasn't always innocent, if you count that as "sexual." I regret the hell out of it. Do you like to sit in the sun and tan when it’s hot out? NO. Ever had a person who was obsessed with you so much that it scared you? Yes, Tyler. I wasn't like, terrified, but preeeetty uncomfortable. Can you drive, and if you can, do you like it? I can, but I'm not that great, and I absolutely hate it. Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? Yes. Do you like french fries? Hell yeah. Have you ever eaten so much you puked? No. Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance? People whose opinions I care about. Would you rather go to Greece or France? Probably Greece.

[faces-in-unexpected-places]

How did you come up with the names in “do you have the time?”?

Hi there! I'm finally getting around to answering this. Super excited because the name choosing-process took little while and did have a lot of thought behind it. Get ready for a NOVEL, ANON.

We'll start with Jeremy since he's the easiest. The character was loosely inspired by ANOTHER character named Jeremy from a French animated TV show called Code Lyoko that aired on Cartoon Network for a spell back in the day. This character served as inspiration for his physical design (hence the long blonde hair and sweaters. I have plans to give Jeremy glasses in the future as well), as well as temperament. Jeremy in the show is characterized as the "brains". Of course, many of my characters are known to be highly intelligent because the story mostly takes place in a university scientific research building, but Jeremy (my character) tends to identify more closely with this trait than the other characters (to the point that if he feels his intelligence is being threatened or challenged, he becomes defensive and critical of himself). Also, the name Jeremy sounded kind of academic and nerdy to me.

His last name being Brilliant is pretty self-explanatory, I think. He is commonly seen by others as a quick learner and astute thinker.

Here's a picture of Jeremy from Code Lyoko.

--

With Madison being his sister, the last name Brilliant worked really well. In her case, it represents her struggles in academia and tendency to compare herself to Jeremy in the present day and what she can remember of him when he was her current age. It represents the daunting pressure she has placed for herself in her own mind that she must "live up to her name" by also being just as "Brilliant" as Jeremy is. As for her first name... I don't actually remember how I chose Madison. I think the main reasons were 1.) I liked it. It's a nice name, in my opinion, and 2.) I needed a name that could be shortened to a common nickname (like Maddie) to show that Jeremy addressing her as Madison was a very deliberate thing he did to seep her at arms' length. The first time he calls her Maddie in the present day is a big deal for their relationship because it represents the beginning of their relationship healing, after it had been tense and emotionally cold for months/years.

--

The name Leslie was inspired by yet another character. Leslie Knope from Parks and Recreation. Not so much in the way of looks, but the general predisposition to be eager to help people and express her affection for people. Especially people who appear closed off demo others and their emotions (Jeremy) or vulnerable (Leopold) or are in need of guidance whether they know it or not (Madison). Leslie Knope as a character was phenomenally written and one of the best examples of a "strong female character" that I can think of. (I have a whole thing on what it means to be a "strong female character" and how most writers/directors are doing it wrong, but that is a post for another day). Leslie (my character) much like Knope, is strong in her convictions revolving around the people she loves, loves her work and is extremely competent in it. This is due to her constant over-achieving can go unnoticed or under-appreciated because of how CONSISTENT she can be in her diligence. She also has the tendency to lose track of herself and her identity by focussing to much on the needs of others and not enough time introspecting and capitalizing on self-care, though she'll be the first to preach self-care to the ones she loves.

The last name Goodchild is also pretty self-explanatory (most of the last names are, which I've grown to cringe at a little over the years). She was a very GOOD CHILD. Followed all the rules, always punctual, went above and beyond, and has carried those habits into adulthood. Most of the time, these traits serve her well, though is has been hinted at and will be explored later that these traits could be born out of fear and/or the need for validation from others.

--

The name Leopold stuck out to me pretty early on in the conceptualization of his character. I wanted something that was different/unique and a little older sounding (because... he's an old man lmao). One of his defining character traits is that he's... kinda weird. He's rather unconventional and doesn't tend to do many things "by the book" (working on the floor, using colored pencils to take notes, etc.) and has been shown to be actively stressed out or depressed when working at a desk and computer or chalk board, etc..

The last name Looney is meant to represent his growing mental/emotional instability over the course of the story and also give some of the minor antagonists an easy way to target him and further exacerbate the decline his mental health by ridiculing him. It serves as an easy way for him to be dismissed by his peers, which is especially difficult in science (since research must be peer-reviewed in order to be accepted) and distressing when he is studying a complicated but also stigmatized topic like time travel.

Side note: when I was a kid, I had very short, blonde hair. Almost like a buzz cut. In the right light/angle, I often looked bald. And since my last name is Baldridge, lots of kids used that as an opportunity to tease me, asking me "if my last name was Baldridge because I was bald". It's kind of like one of those rather unfortunate last names that does seem to have some kind of reality to it and is unfairly abused by others. I ended up giving Leopold the same problem. It's something that if you can't do anything about it, you'll hear about it for your entire like. Similar to how I've been told "I am your father" for 24 years because my first name is Luke. More on that and how it connects to Sophia's character in... right now!

--

I chose Sophia because it is a very soft sounding name to me, implying that she has a softer side to her, despite being a prominent antagonist to the above four characters for the time being. With her given name being Xuan, Sophia is a more common and Americanized name that she's identified with and prefers to be addressed as. The reason for this has not been stated, and I'm not sure if it will be. I'm not sure how important the reason is. This dual-name situation is the little piece of me that prefers to be called Isaac instead of Luke. I don't go out of my way to explain why to people unless I am directly questioned about it.

I think that it should be normalized to be called whichever name you wish to be called and that is should not have to be an expectation to have a "valid" enough reason to prefer one name over another. Attention of the duality of her name is brought to light when you see that everyone addresses her as Sophia except for her father, Chi, who unwaveringly calls her by her given name. This highlights the lack of respect Chi has for his daughter in the present time of the story when juxtaposed to Leopold and the remaining cast who address her as Sophia, despite her still being an active antagonist.

--

Andre, meaning brave, was chosen because Andre is rather comfortable in his place in life both academically and professionally speaking. While not brave in the "protect-your-family-from-an-angry-bear-with-your-bare-hands" kind of way, he is shown to be brave in that he cares very little of what other people think, which is shown to be a secret weakness of Jeremy's. He lives freely with few inhibitions, which is a difficult thing for many other characters. A large part of this stems from Andre's optimism because he is a first-generation college graduate (like yours truly) and has already accomplished more than he ever imagined or thought possible for someone who grew up with little/no exposure to higher education or professional guidance. This also serves as an interesting comparison to Jeremy and Madison's relationship with education where their success was contingent on so many judgements and preconceptions and expectations of their parents, whereas Andre's success was accepted just by attending college and was simply further supported/awarded by his graduation and attainment of a relevant job

--

Those are all of the main characters that had a lot of in-depth thought put into them that I can touch on at the moment. Thank you again so much for asking! It means the world to me that someone would be interested enough to ask questions about this, especially since it is a very rough first draft that has been in the making for years and is uploaded at extremely inconsistent intervals. To be frank, I'm surprised I've gotten questions or comments about the story at all, at any time! Please feel free to ask more if it strikes your curiosity. And be prepared for ANOTHER NOVEL lmao.

[honey-yoongles]

Written BTS ship for btsismy6thkink

Written ship YEEEAAAAS (sorry it’s long)

Hello… it is I, one of your favourite people in the world, I am here for a ship. Also I do apologise for this being unnecessarily long, and disclaimer to you can ship me with whom ever it doesn’t need to be my bias I won’t get mad, but I might get wrecked😂

I mean you know what I look like, but if anybody else reading my ship doesn’t then this is for their curiosity. Brown, collarbone length hair also newly with bangs; blue eyes, kinda chubby but I mean I don’t mind I look cute anyway and I’m 174(coincidentally making me shorter than all the members. I don’t know if this is necessary but I have 3 marks on my body proving how unlucky and clumsy I truly am, scar at my eye(a kid threw a shovel from a decent height, thanks for that you fucking twat), scar on my finger (tried to open a can of dog food but cutting myself in the process), burn on my foot(I spilled boiling water on it while making noodles).

I’ve been struggling with mental illness since I was like 10, I used to have undiagnosed anxiety and depression causing me an inability to talk to people and easily be embarrassed and it then proceeding to my brain driving me to the edge because I couldn’t take it. I’ve been able to control it though, sure I’ve had meltdowns and suicidal thought but it got better for a while… not going to lie it’s gotten worse again but hey, I’m not planning on quitting now.

Okay, so personality traits are + INFJ (advocate, that’s what the internet tells me) + Kind, even to people who don’t deserve it. + Forgiving + Weird + Happy, even with my mental illnesses I am happy. + Funny, like yeah but dark humour + Always hungry + Stubborn(so stubborn I taught myself to ride a bike, I didn’t speak in front of my parents when I was a baby only to myself when I was alone and I taught myself English bc my teacher wasn’t good at it) + Caring + Helpful + Positive

My dream job would be a writer, but frankly I will settle for teacher as the only person who believes I could write is dead and I’m not about to have people make fun of it. I am that one huge tea drinker who doesn’t known when I should stop, I LOVE books with a passion, I want to own every book I read and that’s just how it is. I love makeup which is just a way of expressing myself. I don’t have a huge support system but I got one person I would trust with my life and frankly to whom ever you ship me with they better be alright with third wheeling.

I love horror movies, like sign me the fuck up honestly I could watch them all day, they don’t scare me. However i am jumpy, literally if I drop something and then the sound reaches my ears I jump( lets just keep the anxiety thing in mind, because that is why). I have a little baby(bunny) but her name is literally baby. I love her with all my being because she is my squishy and she shall me mine(get that reference?? Sorry). Also got a dog but I mean we all know I love him. Actually I’m just a giant animal person. One more thing before I lead into boyfriend material things, I have a dirty mind, literally I can make everything you say dirty.

As for S/O, I would be supportive as fuck, kiss them any time of the day not caring about the place, probably jealous but not to the ‘crazy’ mark, the girlfriend who would let them pick the food and not actually complain bc I mean it when I say I don’t care, I don’t lie so I would tell him everything even I he did something wrong I would leave him to guess what he did. In return I would like trust and loyalty, that’s literally all I need… okay maybe like sex but I mean, we knew that at this point.

THATS IT I DONT KNOW WHAT MORE TO WRITE 

@btsismy6thkink ~

Hello to you, my in fact favourite person in the world right after min yoongi ofc lmAO IM SORRy

You asked, and I will deliver! Do not apologize for the length of your submission, it’s not like the one I send you was any better!（≧ｙ≦＊） Also we can’t have you being wrecked! Therefor I didn’t have to think twice about whom to ship you with. （＾ｖ＾）

I would encourage everyone to go and check out her blog, as I personally find her writing very good! (She writes great reactions, fan-fictions as well as ships, and she’s the reason I started doing them as well!)

Once again, thank you for your submission, I hope that you like your ship and the description I put together for you as well! *hand kiss*（*＾3＾）♡

Disclaimer: This written ship will be longer and more detailed than of what I usually do. I got carried away, so this is a one-time thing only!

I ship you with: Kim Namjoon

The first time he ever laid his eyes on you, he got hooked. He found you super cute, standing alongside and having a conversation with a girl he imagined was your best friend. You hadn’t noticed him yet, you were caught up in the gossip between you and your friend, laughing and taking sips from your drink every now and then. He admired you from afar: the way your hair framed your face perfectly, your fashionable outfit and the cutest smile, which he frankly caught himself smiling along with as well. Because he was so intrigued by you, he didn’t notice that your friend had left you alone at your table. This was his opportunity, he would think to himself, as he walked across the room taking the seat your friend had just left. Puzzled by his sudden appearance, you would let out a small sigh trying not to seem interested, when in fact you were the exact opposite. Namjoon would leave the impression of being rather introverted and shy from the first glance you’d send him, but you quickly realized that he was actually such a social butterfly. The two of you would have an hour long conversation about god knows what; he even offered to buy you a drink which you kindly refused at first, but accepted the offer the second time.

Once he got to know you better, Namjoon would admire your kind, positive yet peculiar personality. Every remark from you brought a smile on his lips, causing him to usually flash his dimples that you adored so much. Being just as unlucky and clumsy as you, the two of you would always look out for each other. Once he knew about your past issues and struggles with anxiety and depression, Namjoon would be all over you. He is the worrying kind, and would want to check up on you every minute if possible. He would at times go overboard, but you knew he did it because he cared so deeply for you.

It was no secret that Namjoon was crazy for you at this point, and it didn’t take more than a month before the two of you were officially a couple. Namjoon had written hundred of love songs about other girls and his past relationships, but when it came to you, he was simply just lost for words. You were the kind of girl who deserved the world, and yet he felt like it was impossible for him to put it into words. It was however almost certain that he would manage to write you something personal in the end.

Let us not forget about the shared interests that the two of you have as well. He loved that you had a passion for reading and collecting books, and would always ask you after you finish a piece whether or not you would recommend it for him to read. When you both had the time, he would invite you to different bookstores, buying you whatever book you showed the slightest interest in. On other occasions, Namjoon loved to take you out for either lunch or dinner. He would always suggest going to fancy places with menus on different languages that none of you understood, and although you usually didn’t care where the two of you went and what you had to eat, there would still be times where you would go against his crazy ideas, suggesting something a bit more simple. Another thing that he loved when the two of you were together, was your way of showing affection towards him. The fact that you didn’t care about what other people thought about the two of you, as well as you taking his hand while walking and randomly stealing kisses in the open.

Already after the first day of your relationship, Namjoon had invited you over to their house. He had no doubts about introducing you to the rest of the boys, because he just knew how well you would get along with them. Your positive and kind charisma would attract Taehyung and Hoseok in an instant, and they would quickly become some of your best friends. The fact that you were so good with animals as well, made them invite you over to their place rather often. They didn’t really want to admit it, but you sometimes only accepted their invite to come over just to spend time with both Yeontan and Mickey, and occasionally Holly as well, rather than hanging out with them. Seokjin would also introduce you to Eomuk and Odeng, and allow you to hold and feed them, and watch them climb around in their cage all day. After a while you would also come to befriend Yoongi, who was rather distant to begin with. Once you got to know him though, he was way more open and social when you were around the house. 

[firmanep]

28/28 Vision: Retrace

28/28 vision, life’s been hit me with precision. I’ve seen both ways, mourn and defeat at the bottom in one side, glory and prosper in the other. I choose to live on and keep 27 years back on my head. At 28 I begin to realize that everyone walk their own path, with their own pace. All of sudden, the meaning of success, settle, stand-on-your-feet, etc dissolve into thin air.

Nor, this doesn’t mean those words and its meaning is nothing but perception. Yet it’s a word of progress, everything in life is on process not an unchanged or fix terms. To make it clearer, I simply put it on my case. I wouldn’t say that I’m a success or failure person if I see this on my own perspective not others. What I trying to do is put those terms not in binary opposition. But in a life line terms. Life line is a sum of all variable in life. They are time, space, body, mind, money, social, career, relationship, sex, etc. So let’s put it in practice, I using “age” as metric. In example, at 27 YO I get a job promotion, start a mortgage, not in a relationship, feeling numb, stretching my financial belt, 58.000 hours listening music, etc.

Looking back farther than a year, I see myself rolling in a rollercoaster adventurous life. At 5 my parents enroll me to primary school in assume I “a slight smarter” than my counterparts. So I’m 1-2 year younger than my primary school friend age average. Yet instead accelerated in academics, my passion in football is stronger. So, it swiped the whole 6 years in primary. I won several trophy, even my profile been written on local newspaper as “bintang cilik”.

My career in football stop when I get into junior HS. Some shit happened at that time, my sister passed, family breakup, I move to my granny house, join a motorcycle gang, and drunk for the first time. That’s all more than enough to put a stamp in my face as “a broken home little shit”. But fortunately I found another passion, music. I start collecting cassette since at class 5 primary school. For local act i listened to Sheila on 7 generation band. Then I start a band, which then I ditched by because my “musical taste”.

Fuck, thanks to MTV After School Rock, so I bit move from locals and see global. At JHS I listened to hipmetal acts like Limp Bizkit and Linkin Park for a brief of time. Till I really struck on Warped Tour bands like Blink 182, Sum 41, New Found Glory, etc. Because of the rarity of the cassette, I start digging music at 2nd hand cassette dweller. From which I got more recommendation, so I begin listen to more “edgy” bands like MXPX, NOFX, No Use For a Name, and local indie bands like Nudist Island and Buckskin Bugle. So almost all my “pocket money” at JHS went off to buy cassette. Oh wait! I get my first and second girlfriends on JHS. LMAO.

So, half of my JHS I spent as a member of “packed gang” (in motorcycle gang and in a band), and the last half I spent by myself, walking around finding cassette. My last year in JHS been so frustrating, I don’t have much friends because they left me/or in opposite, so i don’t see any reason to took a same school with them. Then I get into HS, speaking spatially, it’s really far from my JHS. But it’s a “throwing stone” away from my granny house. Surprisingly it’s really easy to make friends then.

Though, talking about “cultural taste”, they’re a level under my JHS friends. But I see a genuine quality in them. Like most of HS kiddos allover Bandung, we’re maniacally love occupy a Warung and make it our base camp. I can say that “nongkrong” is in par with curriculum. Everyday, after school we ambush that Warung, then we called “TeronX”(wtf!). Playing cards, or in my case I watching people playing cards then getting drunk. While in the other time I still digging music, it’s easier then because the CD & MP3 era came. And I start come to indie gigs twice a week, and I make friends from a fuckin pit! there. Local bands growth fast then, gigs and indie music start to intervere the mainstream. Their music starts play at MTV and Radio.

In HS, i live in 2 social spheres, at school and at gigs. They feed my certain personal dimension. School friends give me a kind of family-ish feeling, we eat together, we talking about life and girl together, we’re wasted together (6 hours before final exam we’re still wasted as fuck!). While gigs friends gave me a cultural experience and influence. It constructs my cultural taste, ie: I decide to being an Emo Kid as fuck. I listened to Emo bands, I dress like Emo bands, I scream at every Alone At Last shows, heartbreak like Emo kid, I writing devastated poems like Emo kid, and I start an Emo band. Yet, the most important is the 2 social spheres successfully distracting me from home, which I no longer knew with.

After finish HS I decided to take a moment to think about my future, so I not in hurry get into college. Like most of school-bonded HS alumni I pretty often still come to school. Thanks to our occupied Warung, so I always know where I should take shelter. 2 life changing things happened then. First, I met my first long last girlfriend. Second, I join a look-kinda-gonnabe-rockstar band. Not at once the two different interest got head-to-head!. Yet they’re still got along hand by hand. The girl is a freshman in my HS. So we’re separated generation. I met her at the first time when I have a meeting with my band near school. It’s a cliché that I have bigger guts as fuckin alumni to come to her, greeting and ask her phone number. Since then, a full week I spend my time with her and ask her to be my GF, and voila she accepted me. Soon I knew the reason she want to be my GF is because of the spreading news about me and my band. Our band is like HS hero then. Again, it’s a fuckin cliché. But, in fact even a cheesy reason could lead into a 7 years relationship. Strange huh!.

The band is another story. Lovely Lolita, we’re named it after a single of local shoegaze band The Milo, although our music is not a dot like them. So it all starts when I invited to featuring with one of my HS band at one single, which then listed into an indie compilation. Me and one of its guitar player thought we’re should making Emo project together. So we’re looking for another player, then we’re met a drummer who still a HS kiddos in my HS then. Then our band started with only 3 players. I took a role as Vocal and Bass then. We’re recorded a single demo and spread it on MySpace. Surprisingly, the acceptance is huge. So we’re playing from gigs to gigs. Our music evolving as our influences richen. So we’re thinking to have a bass player and I just focus on vocal. Then we’re being 4 player Metalcore/Post-Hardcore band. We’re record 3 more songs plus 1 song at the brink of our breakup. Our fans base growing bigger, we’re lined up in a big league gigs, and one of major Radio enlisted us as one of must watch indie band. So, it was a really fuckin 4 years of awesome time.

I took on college a year after I graduate from HS. I get a diploma program in state university in Bandung. I took Broadcasting major. It’s clear then I get on that major because of my “serious passion” in music industry. I thought, if I work in broadcasting company it’ll easier to “spot lighting” my band. But it’s not going well academically. My grade is average. It’s because soon I realize that I actually not into Broadcasting. At 20 I started to blown by books and thoughts. So that’s when the pseudo-criticize dimension of me started. One of my lecturer said that I suppose to took Political Science major. That’s be my battery to get off. Luckily my mom accepted it and get me into PolSci related Bachelor program in one of mediocre university. Although then financially we’re kind of broke. But that’s my mom, she push herself and eagerly sacrifice her life just to ensure her son not fail.

I start my second Uni almost 21. In contrary with what happened in primary, there my age are 2-3 years above average. So I always think it’s a setback. I try not to waste it since this is my second chance. Then I accelerating everything, my time overly consumed by reading books, writing paper, seminars, and other academic things. It’s obvious I left almost other thing behind. That’s moment I no longer dealt with music and band stuff. The path that seems like been written, the other player focus chasing their own project. So that left me with 1 thing, my girlfriend whom struggling enter a new life phase, college. At that point of life we’re destined to get along, our life line walk side by side. Struggling to graduate from school and find a decent job. We’re also financially not sufficient, so we take any after school job. I work for my Uncle as tour guide to pay my semester. From 21 to 24 my old social life melt into thin air, instead I make new friends with people in academic and activism circle. Which then I realize has huge contribution to shape my thought and mental.

Entering new social sphere shocked me mentally that time. I really change into someone I don’t even know. A skeptical and over-thought pseudo-academic person. You know, that asshole kind of person who ultra assuming their thought being original and super right. At that time I don’t feel comfortable hanging out with my music circle friends. So I totally left them. As a replacement, I’m diving deep into books and activism. Which I believe they are my “true” passion and moronically my life path. I really mean it that time, my writing published at prominent activism web site, presenting my thought at seminars and discussion, being part of mass demonstration, etc. With that load of activity I still finish college just in 3,5 years. And rightaway I don’t thinking about get a “formal” job anymore, so I decide to get a Master degree at the best state Uni in Indonesia. With my saving from part time job as tour guide I pay the administration. My mom doesn’t know that I already accepted at Master degree. Till when the school calendar is coming I tell mom that I going to Jogja for 2 years. My mom shocked. Not only by the fact that I choose to extend my school year, but also by the fact that I’m going to live away from home for a quite long time. So I say sayonara. I leave mom in confusion.

The Master year been super well for me, I got almost Suma Cumlaude at my first semester. My paper presented at Bangkok and Rangoon. Though, unfortunately I don’t get there to present them by myself. The problem is classic. I broke. My saving run out fast. Thanks to unplanned budgeting and excessive drunk habit. Plus I only got a little amount of money from writing project. So in the brink of the second semester I don’t have any money on my pocket. So that was my first experience being financially broke.

Somehow although with my academic achievements I don’t get any of scholarship. Even I mail my Rector then to ask tuition fee postponed, and no answer. So with that condition, at that time I don’t see any reason to stay in Jogja. So I back to Bandung with head facing down like the losing army march back from devastating battlefield. I already knew what I’m going to face, thousand mock. And that come from my own family. But I knew, I was wrong been took some huge decision spontaneously without any plan ahead. So I swallow the pills.

It’s been quite a time to stand on my feet once more. This is the second time I fail at college, the different is this time I fail not by my academic issue, but a god damn run out of cash. My heart break and I fall so deep haunted by my failure. But whatever it takes I should rerun my life. Fortunately one of my friend recommend me to his boss. He just built a research institution, so he hire people to work with him. And I got the job which is suits me. Not only the job, but also the office location, it’s in Bandung. So I work like a year there, until some shit happened again. The company declare bankruptcy!. For brief of time I still can live by some cash I save. But it doesn’t take long till I got broke, once more. So in such devastated time I randomly throw my CV to any open vacancy. I visit every job fair, I sent bunch of mail. What I get is nothing. It’s understandable now why it is happened. I am 26 then. While I wait for job interview, I took any work that I able to do. In example, I’ve been working as part time primary school teacher in my mom office. I teach Social. Then I begin to accept my condition. Yet I know I can do better. So I still connected with activist and academic circle. From the same circle, I met with the second girl I declare as a “serious” relationship. Actually she is not from that circle, but more like friend of my friend. We’re accidentally met at one café when I have a meeting about an event we’re going to run.

Friend of mine greets me with her, who eventually is one of that café share holder. I don���t know, but somehow we’re so easily connected. Our conversation last till the café close. And that is the start. From then we’re regularly meet and somehow our relationship up a level to “a relationship”. We’re thru a great days together. It is possible that our life line slightly different. She just graduate from college that time and I am a jobseeker cum part timer guy. That’s preconditioned us to can spend a lot of time together. But then I got the job in Jakarta and she work in Bandung. Even though we’re still regularly meet when she back her home in Jakarta, but our relationship start to tumble. It’s partly because I’m in adaptation phase with Jakarta and she just starting work in Jakarta. So our communication start dismissed. We’re lost in translation. And at 6 month of our relationship we’re decide to breaking up.

I get a quite decent and suit job in media industry. Since the break up I decide to focus on how to struggling in Jakarta, build my career Monday to Friday and have some reboot in Saturday and Sunday. At the same time I begin to fix my relationship with my family, one of the reason I start a worker life. But it’s not until the 6th month I work then I rethink about what am I wanted to achieve in Jakarta. So I start to redirect my life. And I thought I should save some cash to prepare my future. Yet I still don’t know what am I going to do with that cash. Then I remember one of line in an Indian clan movie, if I not mistaken it is Appache. At the closing, the main actor had a convo with his counterparts. They’re talking about land property ownership.

The whole movie highlighted the conflict between Indians and the invader to claim a land. One of the line got stuck in my head ever since, the chief Appache tell a young brave warrior that “ain’t a men without a land”. Thus when it comes to saving, I always thought that I should save my cash in property not a mere virtual digit in Bank Account. So I tell my mom and she support my idea. Then I went to developer and bank, they accepted my mortgage proposal. At 27 I mark a monumental decision to pay credit to bank for long years. So I start my 28 with years of credit on my back but property on my feet.

Now I’m 28. What does it means by being a 28?. That question keep buzzing me days before I turn a year older till now when I officially 28. Honestly I still don’t know the answer. But I just knew that it is the time that I should continue step my feet to the next phase of life. I should be more stabile, mentally and materially. So when the time to settle comes, I’ll be ready or at least prepared. How to do that?. Simply by fix a once broken thing back then and set timeline goals. So I set it up. Now I got my 2 year plan. If that realize, and it should, it would be another monumental life decision. I wish. May the lord open.*** Bandung 26 January 2018 Ps: Sorry if my grammar sucks. It’s unedited and I don’t give a fuck, tho!

[comicteaparty]

March 25th-March 31st, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party week long chat that occurred from March 25th, 2019 to March 31st, 2019.  The chat focused on Tamberlane by Caytlin Vilbrandt.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB START!

Hello and welcome everyone to Comic Tea Party’s Week Long Book Club~! This week we’ll be focusing on Tamberlane by Caytlin Vilbrandt~! (https://www.tamberlanecomic.com/)

You are free to read and comment about the comic all week at your own pace, so stop on by whenever it suits your schedule! Remember, though, that while we allow constructive criticism, our focus is to have fun and appreciate the comic. Below you will find four questions to get you started on the discussion. However, a new question will be posted and pinned everyday (between 12:01AM and 6AM PDT), so keep checking back for more! You have until March 31st to tell us all your wonderful thoughts! With that established, let’s get going on the reading and the chatting!

QUESTION 1. What has been your favorite scene in the comic so far? What specifically did you like about it?

QUESTION 2. Where do you think Tamberlane is from? Is she from Abroad as some characters have suggested? What do you think Tamberlane’s past history is? Last, what do you think will happen when Tamberlane’s origins are uncovered?

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Yay! Hi all! I can't wait to talk about Tamberlane with you!

I'll add my answers to the discussion when I'm more awake =w=

Delphina

I remember reading the first chapter of Tamberlane once upon a time; so happy to have the opportunity to catch up again and see where it's gone!

I love just about every scene with Oakewood or Piper because they're both hilarious, but this one probably wins for me. He's such a good reverse psychology grandpa. https://www.tamberlanecomic.com/tamberlane/page-94/

Close second is Piper's brilliant plan because I am also a saleswoman at heart: https://www.tamberlanecomic.com/tamberlane/page-110/

Delphina

All signs definitely point to the idea that Tamberlane is from Abroad, and I'm very curious about what's so scary about it. (My guess is that it's the world of Humans and animal-types get treated like animals there, which would explain their fears). From the conversation with Tagg and Danger, I suspect there's internal conflict in the land of Abroad (a plague? a war?), and Tamberlane was sent out baby-on-the-river-style by a well-meaning mom that wanted her to have a better life. Tamberlane seems to be good at making friends, though, so I think even if they confirm that she's from Abroad, the community will still accept and protect her. It very much feels like "it takes a village to raise a child" is a big central theme in this comic.

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Oooh, that's an interesting theory!

I definitely wanted to explore It Takes a Village in this story for sure

I didn't grow up in any tight-knit neighborhoods and our distant family was either extra distant or just not close emotionally, so I don't really know what that kind of mentality is like on a personal level. I wanted to see what I could figure out with a story like that. :3

As for MY answers......:3c 1. My favorite scene in the comic so far is probably still this one dang page because it came out exactly like I wanted it to in my head.

2. Obviously I can't comment much on this due to spoilers, but I do think when her origins come to light, people are gonna flip their dang lids. :3

Delphina

I think you did a really good job of conveying a close, loving community! I can tell even between minor characters there's a lot of kindness and support in this setting and it's very refreshing to read!

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Yaaaay :D

I know for a little bit early on in the writing, I was planning a more contentious environment around Belfry ("what a hassle") but then was like, who wants to read that? Not me. Screw that, lol

RebelVampire

QUESTION 3. At the moment, who is your favorite character? What about that character earns them this favor?

QUESTION 4. Why do you think Follybrook is held in such low disregard? Who exactly are the creatures who occupy Follybrook? Also, what do you make of the rumors that Follybrook residents are disappearing because of something happening Abroad?

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Hmmm, my favorite character is hard to choose. I love them all. But right now, I'd say probably Belfry. She tries so hard, and she didn't get a lot of spotlight in Chapter 3, and I really want to do more interaction with her and Tamberlane in Chapter 4.

As for Follybrook... :3

varethane

I like Briar! Something about her combination of moodiness and compassion just gets me, haha

Delphina

Briar is an MVP for sure

varethane

Oakewood and Piper are second (I'm really enjoying watching Oakewood pretend he doesn't actually CARE about Tamberlane, he's just studying! It's not parenting, nope)

(Piper because she is a hilarious troll)

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Briar has a special place in my heart for sure! She's me when I was 13, lmao. Though, a little more confrontational than I was XD

varethane

I dunno about Follybrook, though I get the impression it's closer to Abroad than Treehollow is? Which I guess might be why it's being affected first by whatever's happening out there.

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

You are correct! Follybrook is on the "border" of Abroad. Sort of the last gasp of civilization so to speak.

varethane

(yess)

Nanners

Oh damn, was not expecting lore when I popped into this channel

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Mwahahaha

Delphina

Belfry is definitely a sweetie, but I feel like I need to see her not in crisis and/or mom mode to really connect with who she is and what she's about. I'm looking forward to more stuff with her in Chapter 4 and the scenes with her and Tamberlane are always very sweet, but I'd also like to see more of who she is as an individual when she's not being defined by her relationship to others.

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

That is a good thing to note!

varethane

same, re: Belfry

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

-scribbles notes- All I'd heard so far from folks was wanting more scenes with her and Tam, so that's a good thing for me to think about going forward!

Delphina

Oakewood is probably my favorite too because he's clearly got this "big fish in a small pond" sort of wisdom and crusty outside/softie inside personality that's just perfect. I'm looking forward to how Milo's introduction might accent or challenge that.

(Also does Milo have a pet moth because I want 40) https://www.tamberlanecomic.com/tamberlane/page-125/

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

He totally does

A big ol fluffy moth named Sophie

Delphina

Awwwwww, Sophie looks so soft!

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Since he's a cameo, in the reference character that was provided, he actually had a pet spider!

But I decided I did not want to stare at reference photos up close of a spider

So Sophie became a moth XD

Delphina

Oooooh

varethane

oooo

RebelVampire

1) my favorite scene is probably the one where tamberlane tries to help the crow guy and the crow guy goes all prejudiced. and then oakewood swoops in and calls her his grandaughter and yells at the guy. i like seeing tamberlane still trying to be helpful, but i also like oakewood way more clearly defining their relationship cause that opens up a whole new can of worms and kind of adds some vulnerability to him. also, has a great ending where milo comments on this and oakewood tells him to shut up XD https://www.tamberlanecomic.com/tamberlane/page-140/ 2) i think Abroad has been mentioned way too much for Tamberlane to not be from aborad. This is not to mention a) they don't know what a human is and b) they seem relatively unfamiliar whats going on in Aborad land. So i mean, all the clues only point to one place. unlike @Delphina , im actually assuming a darker route. cause tamberlane seems kind of neglected so im not sure this is a situation of well meaning mom. more like mom who might of tried and gave up. im also less optimistic about ppl saying its fine tamberlane is from abroad. cause there seems to be a lot of built up prejudice there and man, idk. prejudice is hard to just flip at the turn of a hat.

Delphina

But yeah, if Follybrook is super-close to Abroad, then that sorta explains why the villagers treat them as social pariahs more than "those kids with their piercings and bad attitudes who are only let in once a year". The big drama in which Tess revealed that if Belfry went there for even a GOOD reason like trying to care for Tamberlane, she'd be full-out exiled was pretty shocking. Because yeah, if Abroad was simply dangerous and full of monsters, I can't imagine why it would be wrong or bad to come back; the big fear would be that you WOULDN'T come back. It seems like Abroad almost has a demonic/evil status in their minds and that they believe (rightly or wrongly) ANY contact would fundamentally change a person or attract something bad. I just struggle with the fact that if Abroad has so much mindshare in the fabric of their society, and if Tamberlane (and maybe all humans) are from there, absolutely nobody what a human looks like or have any stories that might help them identify Tamberlane as one? If there was something big and scary that I was to stay away from at all costs, I'd want to know what it looked like.

RebelVampire

3) my favorite character is definitely oakewood bar none. i am a sucker for grumpy guys. but i especially like oakewood cause hes not the stereotypical grumpy guy. cause usually old grump guys are the most prejudiced. but in this case oakewood is actually the more forward thinking of the bunch. when everyone else was telling belfry to just abandon tamberlane hes just like "nah come live with me." and then tolerates her clumsiness and all that jazz. its great contrast that plays on expectations and i love it. 4) I assume the creature occupying follybrook are just regular creatures. but ya know, prejudice and all that. which i think the comic does a good job of showing through example how prejudice works. all the characters weve known seem to have this fear and sort of "they're different think" about them. so as a reader you cant help but think "oh they must be different" even tho that might not necessarily be the case. As for the rumors, I assume theyre based on truth. Maybe some secret slave ring or something. Though not sure what it has to do with what might be going on in abroad.

yeah you make a good point @Delphina . for a place they seem to hate so much its just flat out exile, they dont seem to know much about it. or at least anything that theyre willing to talk about yet. which its strange even follybook folks who are closer are just kind of vague about what they know of abroad

Nanners

Hey @Caytlin (Tamberlane) , you mentioned that you spent a lot of time making the bartering system. Tell us about it!

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

I can say, at least, that a lot of these topics will be broached in Chapter 4! :3 I can't wait to see reactions, haha

AS FOR BARTER! Oh god the barter system. I read some novels, did some research on different kinds of monetary systems. The world of Tamberlane is sort of a socialist utopia where folks' basic needs are taken care of and the town bands together to care for each other. You do work for the town, the town does work for you. So there's not a lot of, like, "how much does this cost" so much as "what of my work can I trade you"

Which! Let me just say, I have a HELL of a time trying to write and get that across

If I did it over, they'd just have a dang money system lmao

Nanners

I dunno, it makes sense that a small town would work on a trade and favor system. I live in a tiny neighborhood in the country, and things tend to work like that

A side quest economy, essentially

TimmoWarner

This isn't story related (or only tangentally), but I love seeing the groups of pallette changes when you look at all the pages in a grid on the archive.

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Oh yeah it totally makes sense! It's a good story decision! It's just difficult to get across narratively and causes more confusion than it helps when it comes to telling a story

Also :'D Thanks Timmo!! I really enjoy having different palettes for different scenes!

Folks are just more used to parsing "I bet you five bucks" rather than "I bet you six months of library research"

Nanners

I bet you 15 pounds of pickled beets

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

It's much easier when you have a good like that, yeah! Trying to figure out what Oakewood would offer was tough XD

Nanners

Does scowling count as a good or service?

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

It's like a kissing booth!

But it's a scowling booth

2 pence per scowl

TimmoWarner

Oakewood offers access to the "good" books in the back room.

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

"Y'like that, do ya? Yeah?" "Oakewood... this is a book about gardening" "THE BEST BOOK ABOUT GARDENING, THANK YOU"

TimmoWarner

Exactly.

Nanners

Is it cannon that Oakewood's a good DM?

Delphina

I would totally play DND with Oakewood

He would totally murder the party though

Nanners

What class would everyone be?

Milo as a wizard, obviously

Henry as a paladin

Belfry cleric?

Delphina

(Except she keeps rolling critical fails?)

Nanners

Constantly rolls low on cure wounds

Delphina

-7 Dexterity

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Oh oh I was thinking about this recently lol!

Tess is a Barb for sure

Belfry might be a wild magic sorcerer lmao

I totally can see Oake as the DM though yeah LOL

Delphina

Oake would be constantly complaining about all the weird stuff the players do.

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

"Rrrrr, another five minute break, I DIDN'T PLAN FOR THIS."

TimmoWarner

So... the climax is the coyote character was right all along?

I thought... we'd fight a monster or something.

"Why would you want to fight a monster?!"

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

LOL

"The real monster was your stubborn refusal to accept the truth all along"

TimmoWarner

Haha

(Though I suspect Oakewood actually likes swashbuckling stories.)

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

He does; he also likes romance

He's a cranky old softy

TimmoWarner

I think I knew about the romance.

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Yeah, that was one of the first character Q&A comics

Delphina

I can definitely see him taking a stance of fictional relationships being so much better than real ones because when you're done with them you can put them on the shelf.

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Lol! Omg so true

darch

It's late, but I just found out about this, so some thoughts until I get to be around when other people get to be around.

(1) My favorite page is definitely page 81. Because (a) the punch line is fantastic, (b) it lands right in the middle of a really emotional scene without undercutting the emotion even a bit, and (c) it is the most perfect summation of the Belfry Existential Dilemma, which is made up of two parts: (i) you can't mess this up and (ii) you are going to mess this up. Magnificent.

(2) Tamberlane is from the future. Obviously.

(3) With apologies to all of the well-realized and multi-faceted characters at play in this story, Sophie is and shall always be my one true love because SHE IS SO FLUFFY AND I LOVE HER. My opinion is extremely biased; Milo is my cameo (though not my Cameo cameo, that would be weird) and worth it just for the fluffbug sidekick.

darch

Milo was original a My Little Pony character of mine, and I continue to think that having a spider sidekick is great. For a look at Midnight Sun and Sophie before they were translated to the Tamberverse, have a look at [cw and spoiler because spider]

SPOILER

https://www.dropbox.com/s/ff7o7k5jda5pfgo/midnight-sun-the-adventurer.png?raw=1 (that art also by Caytlin).

RebelVampire

QUESTION 5. What has been your favorite illustration in the comic so far? What specifically about it do you like?

QUESTION 6. What do you believe happened to Belfry’s biological parents? How might Belfry’s abandonment issues regarding them play a role in how she raises Tamberlane (both positively and negatively)?

RebelVampire

5) okay. ill fully admit this is not the most epic illustration i could pick, but i really love this full body of tamberlane on this page https://www.tamberlanecomic.com/tamberlane/page-100/ tamberlane was always cute, but this is the one where my heart was stolen. like everything about her look is precious and makes you want to snuggle and protect her till the end of days. and i also like how contrasting it is to how she was before, so even without words you can tell time has passed and growth has occured and i really like. 6) Honestly, I think theyre imprisoned some how. But tbf i ironically want them to be alive and fine and showcase its the fact they were auto exiled thats the problem. And that they couldve been with belfry at any time but nope, rules and prejudice and such. but thats just my headcanon. I'm more interested in how itll affect how belfry raises tamberlane, and in a lot of senses i think its going to be a negative impact. like i feel belfry is kind of obsessed with making sure tamberlane feels loved and accepted. and while on the surface that sounds great, what happens if she has to punish tamberlane severely? is she going to panic tamberlane not feel loved and not do it? is it going to be lighter than it should? belfry already showed when she took in tamberlane that shes hyper conscious about her abandonment, and i dont think tamberlane alone is gonna make that hyperconsciousness about it go away. but on the otherhand, maybe by association others will confront belfry and make her talk about her feelings.

lonelytuatara

to reiterate what i said in the general webcomic chat: i only just started reading and the art is soo pretty!!

lonelytuatara

continuing to read: belfry pulling the pie out of the oven without mitts..... child.........

darch

She is a problem.

lonelytuatara

:O the "ghost"!!!!

lonelytuatara

"congratulations, it's a swamp monster" made me chuckle

lonelytuatara

got to page 100! tamberlane's lil pigtails are adorable

lonelytuatara

all the way caught up now! i really liked the comic and i'm excited to continue following it!

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Aaaa yay :'D I'm glad you're enjoying it!!!

lonelytuatara

i'm gonna let it sink in for a bit before i go to answer the book club questions, but overall I found it a enjoyable mix of comforting and intriguing! im always glad to find stories where trans and nonbinary characters are treated as just a normal part of society

darch

There are many things to like about Tamberlane. The gorgeous art and casual representation are high on that list for me.

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

./)//w//(\

I will get around to answering the latest q's in a bit. I'm pretty wiped out today =w=;;; but! I am super happy people are enjoying the comic and convo :'D

Rebel, you made a great point about how Belfry obsesses over Tamberlane. I love it.

anonus

Hi

Tamberlane is a beautiful comic

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Thank you! :D

kayotics

so, i just started, like... 10 minutes ago so I'm not very far, but the art is extremely cute and i love the expressions and colors. Really great shapes on all the characters. the main strokes of each character's personality is painted straight away in a really strong way, too

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Oh my gosh, thank you >u<;;; I'm so glad

anonus

@Caytlin (Tamberlane) so, um, how did you come up with the idea for Tamberlane?

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

So! I had spent a couple of years trying to write a comic and was just writing myself in circles and running into walls. Finally I got really fed up with not having a project so I said, FINE, next story idea to come into my head, I'M JUST GONNA DO IT. And then during D&D the next week I was doodling creatures and I drew Belfry and Oakewood and was like Ooo I like them. Then I drew Tamberlane's previous form, a little dragon, and was like oh hey they're taking care of an unknown creature, that's fun! And then I was like, actually a little dragon is not weird enough to set her apart from a buncha animals ... Oh hey what about if she's human?? And within a month I had started the comic haha

I wanted to challenge myself to do a project where I allowed myself to make mistakes and not be perfect and not worldbuild myself into a pit

varethane

I think that's pretty important, is the willingness to be flexible and play around

with longform webcomics, when it takes so long to make something, and you're working on the same story for years..... people grow as creators, and as people, and develop different tastes and learn things..... and it'd be a shame to not be able to express that if you're stuck to the same script you wrote 5 years ago, lol

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Exactly!! When you think about like every longform webcomic taking like at least 5 years ... there's not a lot of years where you can be creating compared to the number of stories in your head.

And I really just wanted to make something and get my hands dirty. So it's been a really interesting experience, half following a plan and half throwing it out the window lol!

varethane

for what it's worth, from a reader's perspective, it flows very nicely

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Thank goodness, haha! I always worry. XD

anonus

yeah it definitely flows nicely

also I've never played D&D

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

D&D is a lot of fun with the right group! And endlessly frustrating with the wrong one. XD But if you end up having a group of friends online or off, it's totally worth trying it out!

anonus

I do have lots of online friends! Don't get out enough offline at the moment though

also what inspired you to become an artist

stubat

Hi, all! just spotted the invite. Busy bat. Love Tamberlane!

I'll try to catch up with you all tomorrow evening, if I get a chance. Midnite now, kinda slow and I've got work in the morning. Belfry forever!

RebelVampire

QUESTION 7. Which characters do you enjoy seeing interact the most? What about their dynamic interests you?

QUESTION 8. What has been your favorite moment in regards to how Tamberlane has been accepted or not accepted in Treehollow? What about it made the moment emotionally compelling and what should we take away from it in regards to discrimination and acceptance?

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

Heeeey Stubat! <3

5. My favorite illustrations seem to be a rotating toss up of Belfry & Tam in the sunrise, Oakewood walking along the docks with Piper/Anthony/Tamberlane at sunrise, and the full shot of the Library at night(edited)

6. :3c(edited)

7. I really enjoy writing Briar and Belfry interacting. Small factoid that I don't think will ever be revealed in the story: the bulky blue and white scarf she's been wearing this chapter is one Belfry knitted for her (poorly). It's knotty and has a lot of gaps, but it was a work of love, and Briar wore it because 1) she loves it and she loves Belfry no matter what, and 2) sort of as a good luck token for Tess and Bel to make up.

Oh super belatedly, another thing about Follybrook: I LOVED that a lot of readers jumped to the conclusion that they were Othered because they were punky/bad tempered/non-binary. And then I loved watching them come to the realization that there were a lot of characters in Treehollow that fit those descriptions so it had to be something else. I think someone specifically called it out as an allegory for trans people, and then a couple readers mentioned Marie and they were like ... oh huh, hm.

I like making people think lol!

8. Hmm, I think I like the interaction with Leon, the grumpy crow. It was a scene that was written late in the game (like, during the scene before lol!) and I put up an auction for Leon's cameo slot. I really enjoyed being able to pack in a lot of underlying meaning to the interaction, and remind readers that Tamberlane's transition to creature society is not as smooth or effortless as it's seemed.

Plus, yeah, deciding on a whim to have Oakewood call her his granddaughter and out himself and his feelings was fun :3

Delphina

There are SO MANY cute/loving character interactions, but I think when Briar is relaying her mom's message to Belfry really stood out to me because of how much she clearly cares and how torn she is in the middle of their conflict.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 9. What sorts of art or story details have you noticed in the way the comic is crafted that you think deserves attention?

QUESTION 10. Which of the parents did you connect with the most in regards to how they parent their child(ren)? What do you think we can learn about life in regards to the various parent/child dynamics work and growing up?

RebelVampire

7) Probably Piper and Tamberlane. Unlike all the other relationships where its either warm fuzzies or kind of understandable anger and drama, theirs is the relationship i think is built entirely upon misunderstandings and kids being kids. Cause at the end of the day, Piper is still a kid so i have some forgiveness in her initial treatment of tamberlane. because honestly she probably just doesnt fully grasp yet the consequences of her actions. but its interesting to see how their relationship has been one of tension where youre really not sure if the trauma can be overcome or not. so that makes it really interesting. 8) I liked that small moment when Walter kind of took Tamberlane away from the fighting. Cause holy crap was that a significant change going from "your mistake" to here let me protect this little one. it was such a small thing but it really demonstrated the time passage and also kind of reflected that sometimes non acceptance is less about hatred, more about unfamiliarity. not to say he might not think shes a mistake, but that still was a lot warmer of an interaction than i expected and showed he cared. https://www.tamberlanecomic.com/tamberlane/page-132/

9) I love a lot of the little visual details on Tess. Like the scars, the bit that's taken out of her ear. It really shows off her past. And its just one of those super good character details a lot of people dont utilize and adds so much character to the character. <3 10) I actually connected with Avery the most, but this is in large because i was raised by a single mother. And to me i think Avery really captured that balance of needing to work, trying to be there for your kid, while also not really able to be there all the time cause of the work issue. So while Piper may not be the best behaved of the children, it's totally understandable given the circumstances and i give props to avery seeming to make it work regardless. overall, though, i think what we can learn about the various parent and child dynamics is that 1) parents are winging it and 2) while parents are a big influence, theres a point you have to divorce yourself from them and make your own choices in life.

snuffysam

aaah i finally caught up and this comic is so good! it's kind of late where i am rn, so I'm just gonna cut right to the chase and say - oakewood is my favorite character, hands down. i couldn't tell you why, but I'm just a sucker for the gruff, older guy with a heart of gold

TimmoWarner

Everyone loves Oakewood.

He'd be the best character if not for Marie.

Caytlin (Tamberlane)

I definitely took a lot of inspiration for Oakewood from the cranky old guy in Wolf Children lol! That's his voice in my head too (the dub version)

RebelVampire

QUESTION 11. What do you think are this particular comic’s strengths? What do you think makes this comic unique? Please elaborate.

QUESTION 12. Which aspect of the comic’s world caught your attention the most? Alternatively, what world aspect are you hoping to see explored more? What culture detail do you think is the most significant when it comes to the story?

snuffysam

I think the strongest aspect of the comic is its theming. Just the overarching theme of parenthood, and how the best of intentions don't always work out the way you planned. You can see that theme everywhere in the story (from big things like Belfy & Tess's fight to smaller things like Belfy's clumsiness), and it all fits togeter SO well.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 13. What are you most looking forward to in the comic? Also, do you have any final thoughts to share overall?

QUESTION 14. Do you believe Belfry might have to go Abroad for Tamberlane as Tess ominously worries about? Why do you believe creatures who go Abroad get banned? How might what goes on in Abroad affect their lives regardless?

RebelVampire

11) I feel the comic's strength is showing relationships and having that be a major drive of the story. Like there's no shortage of parenting styles, friendships, or anything else. And everything is about how the characters work off one another. And no character is really all black and white either. they just all have different views and different ways of handling things. so i think that makes all the character interactions interesting since you never know quite what youre gonna get ever instance. 12) The aspect that caught my eye the most was the presence of another spoken language. I hope it's explored more where that comes from and such, cause its a really interesting facet given everyone else is otherwise speaking the same language. the other detail im really interested in seeing explore is how the world is set up. like we know there are sailors who go around and explore but avoid aborad, so im curious what their known world is like in its totality. 13) I'm looking forward to seeing Belfry grow more and come more into her own. Atm, I kind of feel shes still just a kid trying to figure stuff out, so itll be interesting to see how tamberlane changes and effects her maturity levels. 14) Yes. Aborad feels like it's brought up too many times for belfry to not have to go. But I feel going will be a good thing cause it will kind of force the world to maybe stop ignoring abroad and accept that its part of the world too, whether they want it to be part of it or not.

varethane

I wanna find out what Tamberlane's deal is!

And also what's going on in Abroad, there've been hints about it being a strange and dangerous place and I am excited to find out what it's actually like.

lonelytuatara

I wonder if Abroad is like..... a portal to the regular human world or something!

or if it's still in the same world but with more humans

varethane

That's kinda my theory

The fact that they're SO nervous about it makes me wonder if it is closer to the portal thing

Would make it feel more alien to them

lonelytuatara

yea!!

like it seems like even GOING close to it is seen as dangerous, not just entering the actual place

ohh also speaking of different locations: follybrook! my theory on it, based on the way that characters interacted w folks from follybrook, is that body modifications like piercing and docking (and maybe even gender-related body mods) are a cultural taboo in Silver Sage

so anyone from silver sage who Wants to do those things has to move to follybrook, and the creatures of follybrook have just as much disdain for the ol' fuddyduddies who refuse to let people do what they want with their bodies as the creatures of silver sage have for them

also it seems like metal is Important to silver sage's culture in some specific way, like it has spiritual significance

altho i could just have misread

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB END!

Thank you everyone so much for reading and chatting about Tamberlane this week! Please also give a special thank you to Caytlin Vilbrandt for volunteering the comic and creating it! If you liked Tamberlane, make sure to continue to support it via some of the links below!

Read and Comment: https://www.tamberlanecomic.com/

Caytlin Vilbrandt’s Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/tamberlane

Caytlin Vilbrandt’s Ko-Fi: https://www.ko-fi.com/pixelprism

Caytlin Vilbrandt’s Paypal.me: https://www.paypal.me/pixelprism

Caytlin Vilbrandt’s Shop: https://www.tamberlanecomic.com/shop/

Tamberlane’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/tamberlanecomic

[fystarlust]

1-100 ❤

1. What’s your middle name, and do you like it?Rachel, its okay HAHA2. are you artistic?depends what kind cos i cant draw for shit but i can do makeup??3. Have you had your first kiss?yes4. What is your life goal?be happy5. Do you have any experiences with a famous person?i mean ive seen 5sos 1d and mcbusted in person if that counts6. Do you play any sports?horse riding, i want to play more though i actually really like sports7. What’s your worst fear?demons8. Who’s your biggest inspiration?jacksepticeye9. Do you have any cool talents?my makeup looks great sometimes10. are you a morning person?yes11. How do you feel about pet names?theyre cute to a point, im not about that 'cupcake sprinkle sugar bean' life12. Do you like to read?if the book is good yes13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life.none have changed my life thats a bit far14. Do you care about your follower count?i used to but not anymore15. What’s the best dream you’ve had?i recently dreamt my gf was back home again16. Have you ever kissed someone of your same gender?yes17. Do you have any pets?yes, 3 dogs, 4 cats, 1 horse and soon to be 1 hamster18. Are you religious?no lol19. Are you a people person?noooo20. Are you considered popular?considered by who HAHAH bc my gf thinks im pretty cool 💁🏼21. What is one of your bad habits?biting my nails22. What’s something that makes you feel vulnerable?during and after ive had a mental breakdown23. What would you name your children?Lily, Ava24. Who’s your celebrity crush?taeeeee25. What’s your best subject?nothing academic rip26. Dogs or cats?dogs27. most used social media besides tumblr?youtube28. best friends name?ellie29. who does your main family consist of?idk what main family consists of but i see all my family a lot so my mum, brother, dad, grandparents, aunty, uncle, cousins30. Chocolate or sugar?both31. have you ever been on a date?yes32. Do you like roller coasters?some types of them33. Can you swim?ye boi34. What would you do in the event of an apocalypse?i would be a badass mf and protect my loved ones and animals35. Have you struggled with any kind of mental disorder?yes, am currently struggling with a few and likely always will be36. Are your parents together?no37. What’s your favorite color?baby blue38. What country are you from/do you live in?England to both39. Favorite singer?bts40. Do you see yourself being famous some day?nope41. Do you like dresses?yes but i need to work on my confidence when wearing them42. Favorite song right now?deeessspaaacito43. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?yes, very44. How old were you when you first got your period?1245. Have you ever shot a gun?nope46. Have you ever done yoga?yes47. Are you a horror girl?if this means horror film then yes48. Are you good at giving advice?kind of? with some things im not though49. Tell us a story about your childhood.near my house me and my friends had this den that was like a cave in the ground and it was sooo cool we spent hours in there everyday and its still there50. How are you doing today?im okay51. Were you a cute kid?not to be up my own ass but yes52. Can you dance?secretly yes53. Is there anything you do that you can’t remember ever not doing?looking after animals54. Have you ever dyed your hair?nope too scared55. What color are your eyes?blue56. What’s your favorite animal?ooooo i cant pick one i have so many57. Have you ever made a huge fool of yourself?lots of times, ellie n jess know this best58. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?its complicated but kind of59. Do you have good friends?wonderful ones60. Are you close with anyone of the lgbtq+ group?yes61. What’s your favorite class?in college it was Zoo Management62. List all the tv shows you are watching.RuPauls Drag Race, The Walking Dead, Your Lie in April63. Are you organized?yes64. What was the last movie you saw? Opinion?i cant remember65. Which tv character do you relate to most?not a tv character but Ryan from BuzzFeed Unsolved is literally me as an asian male68. What are some things that stand between you and complete happiness?my hell brain69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?travelling with my gf70. What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die?god idk71. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you?iDk72. If you could start over, what would you do differently?i dont like these deep questions73. Would you break the law to save a loved one?yes74. When was the last time you traveled somewhere new?the other week when i went to Wadswick 75. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?my dogs76. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today?i applied for a hnc77. What did you want to be when you were a kid?a vet78. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking?everything?? i dont knOW79. When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have?when i was being bullied, shouldve beat that bitch into the dirt80. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence.travel and be happy and be with jess and around animals81. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like?well id get a lot more done82. If you could live forever, how would you spend eternity?id spend it with jess then when she died id kill myself HAHAHAH that sounds so dark83. How would you spend a billion dollars?travelling, on a house, animals84. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future?the past, i dont wanna see the shithole of a future until i have to85. What motivates you to succeed?literally nothing86. What dream that you’ve had has resonated with you the most?a lot of them cos theyre v realistic, i dont like it87. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why?woods BUT not a creepy woods where id get killed, just a nice forest, and because i hate how busy cities are88. Do you believe in life after death?im not sure89. What teacher inspired you the most? How did they?none they can all suck my ass90. What’s your fondest childhood memory?the one about the cave den91. If you could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would they be and why?jacksepticeye bc i luv him sm92. What would you have to see to cry tears of joy?when people come home from fighting abroad to their kids or dogs93. What is the hardest lesson you had to learn in life?idk how to sum it up94. What do you think happens after we die?i have no idea95. What would you do if you would be invisible?pretend to be a ghost and scare people96. What’s something you can’t do no matter how hard you try?DRAW97. Would you want to choose the sex and appearance of your offspring?no i like surprises98. How did your first crush develop?i cant remember99. Is there a feeling you are trying to ignore? What is it?yes always lmao, paranoia, anxiety, worry100. Do you live or do you just exist?so deep oooOoOoooO i dont care

[rokurookajima]

once again filling my evening answering questions nobody asked

cherry turnover:  who do you live with? 

i’ve lived by myself for three months now!! it’s cool and there are some things that are really nice about living totally alone like truly never bothering anyone with the shit you’re doing. but im tryna move in with evie soon and we’re hoping to have a place by mid june!!!! we just looked at some today and im jazzed  bananas foster:  do you believe in soul mates?

yes absolutely but like in a specific sense. i don’t believe everyone has like one singular soul mate, and i don’t believe soul mates are exclusively romantic. but i completely believe there are people you’re cosmically supposed to meet, and that sometimes the odds are all against you meeting but you still do, and when you finally meet there is some kind of feeling like you’ve either known each other way longer, or you instantly know they’re going to be so important to you. i think i’ve met more than one soul mate by that definition in my life. one was the guide of a travel group i went on a trip with when i was 16, and i only knew him for a week but we both connected so strong and instantly, and both were clearly affected by it i think we both walked away differently. i’ve never seen him since then and i cried a lot the last day of that trip. but like it definitely wasn’t romantic?? it was just some kind of deep soul connection. i also think you can have friendships that are gonna last forever and those are pretty close to soul mates too. basically i have a lot of very romanticized ideas about people you meet in your life  glazed donut:  would you rather visit a zoo or an aquarium?

prob an aquarium  pumpkin pie:  what were your interests as a child?

i really fuckin loved dinosaurs when i was rlly young, like preschool and kindergarten age. i liked cool rocks a lot too, i had a ton of geodes and crystals and those little stones you could buy at like museum giftshops that i kept in boxes and would just look at all the time. i was rlly obsessed with harry potter when i was like 8 i think that was when i first read the books and there were only five at the time. late childhood (like 4/5th grade) i loved cats on probably a weird level bc wow yeah i was a warrior cats kid, also loved pirates a lot  lemon tart:  how many languages can you speak?

just one unfortunately. i wish i knew a second language but alas  chocolate mousse:  how is your relationship with your parents?

it could probably be better, but i guess it is a lot better than a lot of people my age have. i love my parents but they’re rlly problematic people, and even tho they didn’t mean to, they are the biggest reason i have a lot of the issues i have, and they still do shit that perpetuates it. it’s better in some ways that i don’t live with them now, bc i think some parts of my mental health like my self image are better bc i’m around way more supportive people than them. but also i feel bad bc i don’t make as much of an effort to talk to them as i should since i don’t see them every day. me and my mom have always been pretty close, and i don’t want to lose that. they try sometimes  creme brûlée:  describe your style

american apparel lmao which i can only keep saying for like the next YEAR before that won’t define anything for people. but 4 real a good portion of my wardrobe is from american apparel, and when i shop else ware, it’s still pretty consistent with that style. like very basic cuts and colors of things, only pattern i ever wear is stripes, highwaisted everything, cropped everything. i only wear black white gray and green i am a stereotype  cheesecake:  have you ever visited a sex shop?

lmao yeah more than once. there’s a couple around where i live that i’ve been to a few times, and one in columbus. i’ve never bought anything at one, or gone there with like the intent to purchase stuff. they’re just honestly so funny to walk through and be horrified by the enormous dildos  raspberry sorbet:  favorite clothing stores?

wow i can’t say american apparel anymore im so sad. so uh. i honestly don’t know where im gonna get most of my clothes now. forever 21 and h&m are always good places to find some cheap stuff. i wanna thrift more, but i never seem to have very good luck at finding stuff  green tea ice cream:  who was your first crush?

lmao it was milo thatch from atlantis. but i assume we are talking about a real person that i actually y’know like. could speak to. which was my tumblr boyfriend that i met when i was 17. i met him in a fandom chatroom i ended up in through some other tumblr friends, then kinda started getting some feels when he posted a selfie after we’d already talked in the chat and i was like oh no he’s hot. so wowie a tragic tale of star-crossed lovers  chocolate chip cookie:  how has your life changed over the past year?

i can’t even start to say how much my life has changed over the last year. truly, i don’t think there’s ever been a year in my life that i’ve looked at and been so in awe of how many things happened. but yeah last spring-this spring i went through so many life experiences and firsts and personality changes and struggles and some of the happiest days of my life and by far the fucking worst days of my life. since april last year, i fell in love for the first time, had a real relationship for the first time, became a lot more social, got really close to some of the people i’m now closest to, got high for the first time, lost my virginity, went to big parties, got a lot more social, met a lot of people, saw a lot of new sides of life, questioned a lot of my own beliefs and came to new ones, left the country without my parents, traveled out of state completely by myself, got my heart completely destroyed for the first time, attempted suicide, thought my life would literally not make it to this point, moved out of my house, lived on my own, got stronger, figured some shit out, hooked up with someone at a party, had casual sex for the first time, now i’m hoping to move again in the next few months. i know some of that is like. not actually that exciting, and a lot of it was shit that most people do for the first time in high school, but it was a lot for me. i ended up in a world and lifestyle that i used to write fiction about and romanticize the hell out of, and never thought i’d actually live it first hand. so rlly this last year was fuckin wild for me and in a lot of ways i feel like i’ve aged 60 years, and i’m tired from that much all in one year, but i’m also still kinda naive and clueless so what can u do  berry trifle:  first & last concert you went to?

so wow i don’t go to real concerts. the first was probably some christian band with my family. the last. does the american murder song wake tour count? that was kind of a concert  tapioca pudding:  favorite animated characters?

WOW let me fuckin TELL u my favorite animated characters. number one will always always always be revy from black lagoon. i have never loved a character that much in my life, everything about her is so good. she’s such a goddamn disaster and so well written and complex and so much more than just a typical bad ass female archetype. i love that it’s not just headcanon to read deep into her personality, it’s a huge point of the series. i love that on the surface she is just like. a bad ass with no feeling. then u actually get to the end of the series and she is actually a CHILD inside who is so fuckin insecure and she LOVES ROCK SO MUCH i wanna die. also lust from fullmetal alchemist esp the 2003 anime fuck me ALL THE WAY UP. ed elric, and truly everyone in fullmetal alchemist what a series what a cast of characters.  fudge brownie:  do you like your name?

sometimes. i used to really hate it when i was younger, now it’s changed some. i like still don’t like it when i say it out loud probably bc people 100% of the time think i said cindy and i have to correct them every dang time. but like that i can shorten it to syd which i also used to hate bc toy story (i was a kid ok) but now i like it. there are also those times where people you like say your name and it makes u feel some type of way??? i like it then. so i guess i like it most when other people are saying it u feel me strawberry shortcake:  are you good at keeping secrets?

i mean if it’s my own, absolutely not what the fuck is a secret i am a tragic over sharer about my own shit. but other people’s, yes i’d say so. i feel like a lot of people feel comfortable enough to tell me things they might not tell other people, and i don’t ever feel like it’s a burden to keep a secret y’know?? so it doesn’t like eat at me and make me wanna tell people  tiramisu:  are you daring when it comes to makeup & clothing or do you like to play it safe?

uh i guess somewhere in the middle. like the way i dress isn’t rlly how everyone dresses and i guess in some crowds would be considered pretty different, but i don’t know if its daring bc its not like....that adventurous or out there. esp bc i only wear neutral colors lmao. same with makeup, for the most part, it’s pretty simple but every now and then i like to do something fancier. i feel like the most daring things about me appearance wise are like having a lot of piercings and tattoos??? so y’know make ur daring shit permanent i guess im not that edgy lmao oreo milkshake:  do you sleep a lot?

i feel like i sleep a pretty average amount. i wish i could sleep more bc i’m tired all the time, but way more i wish i could sleep less. i love the idea of being able to just naturally get up early and have so much time in the morning to do shit and enjoy the morning. and i like staying up late. but i’m always tired and even tho i have to get up early most mornings, it’s still a constant struggle and i wish it wasn’t. i’ll sleep pretty late when i get the chance tho

apple crisp:  how do you relax?

guess it depends on what i’m feeling. i like to take baths a lot, or just chill and watch movies and stuff. i love having relaxing hangouts with friends, like just chilling watching movies with people and not needing to do anything else. i wanna do more quote-unquote relaxing stuff, like read and write more, go to yoga classes, shit like that carrot cake:  who is your celeb look alike?

i’ve been told more than once i look like krysten ritter so i will go with her. it’s the bangs macaron:  what is your ethnicity?

white af cinnamon bun:  favorite salty snack?

wow salty snacks are my VICE i love salty shit way more than sweet things. fuck man i love chips of all kinds, i’ve been eating way too many hot cheetos lately, french fries, mcdonalds hash browns, i’m gonna have blood pressure issues from how much i love salt 

[umjulikins]

1-100!!!!

1. What’s your middle name, and do you like it?

patricia, and i really hate it actually lol

2. are you artistic?

i like to consider myself to be, though i don’t think so...

3. Have you had your first kiss?

lol yeah, but i feel like a dick not remembering when it was. i thought it was a different time, but i’ve been told otherwise whoops

4. What is your life goal?

being happy and financially stable probably

5. Do you have any experiences with a famous person?

actually, i performed at a bernie sanders rally. i have a picture with him, and i’ve also met shailene woodley through the rally. it was hecking neat.

6. Do you play any sports?

if i hear that marching band is a sport one more time, i’m gonna mcfreaking lose it. so, no. i do not.

7. What’s your worst fear?

abandonment or distrust

8. Who’s your biggest inspiration?

oh man, that’s hard to say. i really like jaiden from a youtube channel called jaidenanimations, because she’s so humble and artistically talented.

probably my mom too, she’s number seven on the greatest wonders of the world

9. Do you have any cool talents?

whistling? i can play ukelele? i’m good at crying idk

10. are you a morning person?

it’s so debatable honestly. i hate getting up in the morning, but i love being awake in the morning. so yes and no.

11. How do you feel about pet names?

fuckin love it, give me pet names

12. Do you like to read?

no not at all, it takes me a really good book to get me engaged on reading

13. Name a list of shows that have changed your life.

parks & rec, supernatural (not bc i loved it but because i befriended people bc of it, i actually am over spn lmao), south park??

14. Do you care about your follower count?

no, because i’m sick and tired of porn bots following me, and they are the huge majority that try to follow me until i block them

15. What’s the best dream you’ve had?

hahahahah, i had a dream that me and my bf were taking care of this proportionably large frog that could speak fluent english and was wearing a diaper. to this day, when we call each other bf and gf, it really means “big frog” and “giant frog” bc of my dream.

16. Have you ever kissed someone of your same gender?

nope, but i’ve dreamt of it.

17. Do you have any pets?

no!!! but we might get a dog pretty soon... 3/4 of the family is all in for a dog.

18. Are you religious?

lmao this sounds pretentious, but i’d say my entire family (along with me) identifies being roman catholic, but i personally consider myself for agnostic. i wouldn’t want to ultimately reject my familial identity because i was raised catholic my entire life, it would be disassociating a part of me. but if it all comes down to my beliefs, i would happily defend people who are a little ignorant against catholicism.

19. Are you a people person?

i used to???? i’m really not anymore, especially with senior year i’m really tired of people’s shit lmao

20. Are you considered popular?

oh definitely not. i don’t mean this in a very modest way either, i mean it in a way that i often disassociate.

21. What is one of your bad habits?

being oversensitive???prolly idfk

22. What’s something that makes you feel vulnerable

cry

23. What would you name your children?

i know i’m homestuck trash but i would legitimately name my child jade. not because of homestuck, but i identify so much relation to the name jade. it’s my favourite colour, my favourite type of plant, and it’s a simple four letter name with a letter j.

in terms of boy names, i really like the names jude or charlie. how fucking weird would it be having two kids name jude and jade though holy shittttt

24. Who’s your celebrity crush?

winona fuckin ryder aka pls adopt me

25. What’s your best subject?

science for sure!

26. Dogs or cats?

unpopular opinion: cats and dogs are both a gift to this world and there’s no reason to point them against each other

27. most used social media besides tumblr?

snapchat, instagram, and then facebook.

28. best friends name

shit.

um i have more than one?? dean, ana, emily, makena, and zany?

29. who does your main family consist of

my mom and dad, and my younger brother.

30. Chocolate or sugar

chocolate

31. have you ever been on a date?

yeah, my first one was ridiculously awkward though

32. Do you like rollercosters?

yeah sure, it’s aight. i have a friend who has a mental list of a bunch of rollercoaster facts, so i refer to him in case i’m really hesitant to go on one.

33. Can you swim?

kinda? i know how to actually swim across water, but i have trouble treading it

34. What would you do in the event of an apocolypse?

ok here’s where my hiding place would be. and i encourage people to do the same actually.

hide the fuck out in costco. the walls are thick as hell so it’d be a struggle for zombies to break into. costco is spacey as fuck, so you can camp out anywhere and it’d be okay. you pretty much have a life supply of food, as well as other supplies because it’s a mega mart.

you’re good pretty much for the rest of your life if you think about it, i know i would!

35. Have you struggled with any kind of mental disorder

i don’t believe so. i’ve never been diagnosed of anything but i also never know.

36. Are your parents together?

yeah

37. What’s your favourite colour?

green, but i can’t decide on any shade of green. i love all the greens.

38. What country are you from/do you live in?

usa! usa! usa!

39. Favourite singer?

currently the 1975 from the top of my head

40. Do you see yourself being famous some day?

absolutely not, i don’t wish to be

41. Do you like dresses?

yes!!!!!! i love dressing very feminine!!!!! dresses with pockets are the best

42. Favourite song right now?

“lifeboat” from heathers the musical

43. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

kind of, i’m actually a bit repulsed by sex... but mayhaps in the future when i find the right person?? idk

44. How old were you when you first got your period?

12 y/o i think

45. Have you ever shot a gun?

oh no, not really. kinda intimidating

46. Have you ever done yoga?

not as an active hobby

47. Are you a horror girl?

oh HELL yeah, i’m a horror to this socie––

just kidding, yes i do like horror movies. still scared of it though, but i like it!!

48. Are you good at giving advice?

the irony here is that i’ve been told i do tell good advice, but i NEVER follow my own advice

49. Tell us a story about your childhood.

one time, my dad accidentally left the back door locked from the backyard when i was in a kiddie pool. it all of a sudden started raining, and i couldn’t open the door to get inside because it was locked. i was sick the next day.

50. How are you doing today?

honestly, i could be doing better but right now i’m just chilling

51. Were you a cute kid?

i think so!!! i take pride in my days during elementary school....middle school is a different story though.

52. Can you dance?

yes!! it bothers me when people say they can’t dance, when i think anyone can! it’s all a matter of taking pride in your dance moves!! can you take pride in your dance moves?

but, in terms on doing it as a hobby, no! i used to.

53. Is there anything you do that you can’t remember ever not doing?

i don’t understand this question lmao

54. Have you ever dyed your hair?

no, but i actually would love to die the underside of my hair a deep teal/turquoise!!

55. What colour are your eyes?

dark brown, but golden under light. it’s pretty neat.

56. What’s your favourite animal?

i don’t consider this my favourite animal but i still love them a lot

look up the argentine red tegu lizard

also, i really like ladybugs!!

57. Have you ever made a huge fool of yourself?

always everyday

58. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

with my mom, yes! i tell her everything, and she’s so sweet and patient!

with my dad, kinda!

59. Do you have good friends?

sure :^)

they just are too far away

60. Are you close with anyone of the lgbtq+ group?

a lot of people yes! two of my best friends are bisexual, and majority of my friends are allies!

61. What’s your favourite class?

i actually don’t have one, every class that i’ve ever known has some form of annoying the hell out of me

62. List all the tv shows you are watching.

none currently as we speak, but i’m waiting for the next season of american horror story and stranger things to appear. i am watching a series of unfortunate events with dean, but we’re only on episode 4 together. it’s been a long time since we’ve watched an episode though, because we always want to watch it together.

63. Are you organized?

somewhat? i am more organized than others, but i’m very great at hiding my disorganization from others to give off the illusion that i am organized.

i like to think that my obsessive compulsive personality is the cause of that honestly.

64. What was the last movie you saw? Opinion?

la la land, a fav of mine

67. Which tv character do you relate to most?

shit man, there’s a lot of fictional characters i relate with.

veronica sawyer from heathers

jade harley from homestuck

dirk strider from homestuck

heather mcnamara from heathers

lucy van pelt from charlie brown

terra from teen titans

over half of these aren’t from tv though lmao

68. What are some things that stand between you and complete happiness?

i try to confront it. if i failed even after confronting it, i accept that it’s simply just not meant to be. which sucks if you think about it, but i am way too passive for my well being.

69. If you received enough money to never need to work again, what would you spend your time doing?

traveling, and maybe saving that money for my future children and their college intuition.

70. What would you change about your life if you knew you would never die?

probably being friends with certain people... there’s a lot of relationships i really regret.

71. What would you do differently if you knew that no one was judging you?

being more bitter and negative publicly. people sometimes feel the need to take advantage of others who are considerably weaker than them, and i feel that i often put myself in that position. if i relentlessly take no shit and kinda??? scare people away, i don’t feel the paranoia of getting hurt by others

yikes this is getting negative zero to a hundred real quick

also, i know i’m not really phrasing it right, but hopefully you know what i mean!!

72. If you could start over, what would you do differently?

but at the same time, i’m also really content where i am now. i know i can improve more internally, but i also don’t really care for change.

73. Would you break the law to save a loved one?

definitely

74. When was the last time you travelled somewhere new?

during christmas break, i went to big bear!!

i also went to las vegas that same break, but it’s not a new place hahaha

75. When you think of your home, what immediately comes to mind?

dean

76. What have you done to pursue your dreams lately? How about today?

shit, idk i’m still drowning in teen angst at the moment, i’m not doing anything revolutionary or some shit atm

77. What did you want to be when you were a kid?

a cartoonist. i still kinda wanna be one, especially knowing my art is improving so much, and i’m getting more exposure as an artist, and i’m landing myself on better platforms of art.

but it’s a tough and risky job opportunity. i’d love to do it as a hobby.

78. If you dropped everything to pursue your dreams, what would you be risking?

um, probably my relationship with people now. i don’t have a lot of artsy friends except maybe four; but even so, putting my effort all in an animation project requires a lot of independent work.

probably financial stability too.

79.When did you not speak up, when you know you really should have?

when i realized that i was slowly losing my closest friend.

i still miss them lmao

80. Describe the next five years of your life, and your plans, in a single sentence

financially stable, happily in love with someone who accepts me, in a small home with plants and dogs.

81. What would happen if you never wasted another minute of your life, what would that look like?

i’d probably be on top of my homework, and applying for a full ib diploma

but i wouldn’t really be artistically and musically talented, nor would i have a lot of friends

82. If you could live forever, how would you spend eternity?

i would consistently changing personas every decade and seek out a whole new lifestyle

83. How would you spend a billion dollars?

irresponsibly, realistically

84. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or the future?

future. the past sucks ass no matter what. but years after trump became president and then some, assuming the next president has a lot of cleaning up to do.

85. What motivates you to succeed?

knowing that someone out there genuinely believes in me.

even one person makes a difference.

86. What dream that you’ve had has resonated with you the most?

probably being in love in such a young age. albeit it’s lame to assume of such idealistic things like that, but it’s always something worth fighting for. the future sounds brighter if remembering that someone loves you unconditionally.

also i have met more dogs everyday.

87. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why?

woods? i really wanna do a lot on my garden if i can!!

88. Do you believe in life after death

i consider it hopeful/wishful thinking, so i wouldn’t be opposed to it being true.

though i think of eternal bliss as a bigger possibility since i was brought up to believe it.

89. What teacher inspired you the most? How did they?

my sophomore and junior year english teacher, mrs. beatty. she never forgot about me despite how quiet of a kid i was, and she always believed in my fullest potential.

dr. vanstrom, my human anatomy & physiology teacher is really great too, i consider her a really great teacher, but i have no person relationship with her. 

90. What’s your fondest childhood memory?

my old family friend, christopher, and i were vacationing with our families at lake arrowhead during winter break when i was like, eight i think. there’s this very quaint townsquare near the area we were staying at, and the two of us walked around the townsquare.

we really freaked our parents out though, because they thought that we were lost or kidnapped because we left without supervision or telling them where we were going, but i remember going to a candy store to get gummy bears in the freezing cold.

i wonder how christopher’s doing though.

91. If you could have dinner with any one person, living or dead, who would they be and why?

malala yousafzai, just because she’s such an inspiration.

92. What would you have to see to cry tears of joy?

it doesn’t take me a lot to cry over anything, trust me.

i cried once because someone’s chocolate meringue pie was delicious.

i cried once because a really fluffy puppy was rolling over.

93. What is the hardest lesson you had to learn in life?

it’s okay to miss people from a distance, but it’s not okay to ask them to come back. i think it’s important that the toxic relationships you decide to refrain from is a very valid and hard decision to make, so i’m proud of you if you get out of it. you deserve so much better to put yourself back into such a vicious cycle.

94. What do you think happens after we die?

everything is black for eternity

95. What would you do if you would be invisible?

?????honestly?????what CAN you do while you’re invisible other than spying people???

invisibility is such a shitty power, i want the power to read minds selectively so i can ace every academic test in the future and be accepted from every job application FUCK

96. What’s something you can’t do no matter how hard you try?

i can’t really seem to shake the idea of negative thoughts and insecurities. of course it’s inevitable for literally everyone at some point, but it still sucks having

97. Would you want to choose the sex and appearance of your offspring?

no, i really want to give my child the freedom to choose who they want to be or who they want to present themselves as. i as the parent should love them unconditionally

98. How did your first crush develop?

eh, his friend told me that he liked me and i believed it

i shouldn’t have though, because there was really no evidence that he liked me, and he even denied it when his friends straight up told me

thinking about it now, i think he never really did like me, and his friend was just being a dick. and i latched onto that idea which was even worse holy shit

99. Is there a feeling you are trying to ignore? What is it?

yeah dude, i’m sure everyone is though

100. Do you live or do you just exist?

existing for sure.

thanks dude!!!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #60

“everything i touch turns to stone, so wrap your arms around me and leave me on my own.”

how're you feeling today?   okay.  i guess.  still plenty of time for the day to be ruined.  i just woke up a few minutes ago.  thank god i managed to sleep kinda easily last night, despite what was going on.  guess i was just that tired. have you ever lost a close friend?   yeah, i have, but not to death. what’s your sister(s) names?   katie, misty, ashley, nicole, and tiffany if you want to count her. when was the last time you cried?   last night. what is your favorite song?   first let it be clear that i have LOTS.  but i'm actually going to make an effort to list some here.  again, this certainly isn't all, but some include "hurt" by johnny cash, "here to stay" by korn, "nebel" by rammstein, "perfectly flawed" by otep, "lost it all" by black veil brides, and just... yeah, LOTS more. how do you wear your makeup?   i will once in a blue moon wear foundation, but usually not.  i'll always put on eyeliner and mascara, usually lipstick, then sometimes eye shadow, depending on whether or not i feel like taking it off later or not. do you have a job?   no, but my mom and i are going to drive around animal shelters today to see about volunteering.  since i quit school, i don't know about you, but i can't tolerate myself to sit at home with zero responsibilities.  i have to do something. do you work out every week?   no.  funny how i used to do it everyday. what kind of bathing suit do you wear?   i don't know what it's technically called, it's just a normal bathing suit that covers the belly and such? do you think you are pretty?   i honestly think i would be if i wasn't my size. what’s the cutest thing someone’s ever done for you?   the cutest?  probably that time i was lying in bed and i couldn't sleep, so i was iming jason on facebook and jokingly demanded him to sing to me, because i mean, obviously he couldn't really.  he ended up posting the lyrics/sending me a video to "the mortician's daughter" by black veil brides.  i smiled so big listening to that song; i ended up listening to it all night.  if you ask me, i'll always tell you that was "our song," and it fits us now more than ever.  i usually can't listen to it, but it's so dear to my heart that i sometimes fight the triggering and just listen to it regardless and remember what we had.  i've also decided that regardless of whether or not we get back together, i'm getting "i love you more than i can ever scream" (or possibly another lyric) tattooed somewhere on me, probably in a quote bubble or something.  i don't give half a shit if i ever end up with someone else, i will always love him and that song, and i dare my potential significant other to complain.  but hey, regardless of your musical taste, you should really listen to it, it's beautiful. do you consider dogs inside or outside pets?   both.  i don't believe in leaving them outside all alone forever, and i don't believe in cooping them up inside where their energy gets to be too much. do you read books for pleasure?   not so much anymore, really.  i just kinda... stopped one day.  i really think it's because of my hospitalization; i read like crazy to pass the time every time i was in the hospital, and i guess i just associate it.  it's a shame though, i used to love reading... wood floors or carpet?   in general, i prefer wood floors.  i love it when they look all glossy and they're easier to clean, i think. a teacher says she’s noticed you’ve looked sad, do you confide in her?   i probably would.  when people actually show interest in my wellbeing, i usually open up decently. if someone gave you a kitten, would you keep it?   if mom let me, yeah.  i go on and off between wanting my own kitten, so. are easter baskets only for kids?   absolutely not! do you like to daydream about sex?   i'll admit i've done it before, but i wouldn't say i "like" it. which of your parents do you laugh more with?   my dad have you ever been to an open casket wake or funeral?   yes, for my former babysitter miss janet. after a date, do you call your friend to tell them how it went?   lmao i probably would, honestly. do you like romantic gestures or do they make you feel awkward?   FUCKING YES I LOVE ROMANTIC PEOPLE. have you/do you plan to go to college?   well, i just dropped out of college yesterday due to my deteriorating mental health, so... do you struggle to articulate your thoughts and feelings?   omg, YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!  especially irl, i am TERRIBLE.  like i am a highly figurative thinking and think of everything in kinda inexplainable ways, to where no words seem to fit.  i will struggle so much in a conversation to get out words exactly how i mean them, which is why i prefer to write, because i can think longer about what i'm saying. do you think all porn stars are whores?   i'm sorry to offend, but uh, yeah??  a whore is a prostitute, and a prostitute is someone who engages in sexual acts for monetary gain.  it's kinda... obvious...? would you date an 18 year old at the age you are now?   despite that only being two years younger, probs not.  i want someone older than me in hopes they'd be more mature.  sure, an 18-year-old could be perfectly mature, but i just believe the odds are better with someone slightly older. are you more likely to show affection through your words or your actions?   both really. be honest: are you clingy?   quite a bit. do you like to wear makeup?   i do.  it makes me feel prettier.  i just don't usually put it on. how old is the oldest person you’ve kissed?   he's 23. are you bipolar?   according to psychiatrists, yes.  but honestly, i don't really know for certain, considering i always feel an underlying depression?  like i'm aware one kind of bipolarity is more manic, the other more subtle, but i still don't know if i have it. have you ever seen the last person you kissed without their shirt on?   MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM BOI do you believe the last person you kissed still cares about you?   do i hope?  yeah.  do i believe he does?  no. do you like to cuddle?   if you're jason, yeah.  it's so funny.  i didn't even like hugs when we started dating, but he got me to wear i absolutely loved cuddling with him and i now love hugs. when you listen to a new song, do you usually play it over and over?   YUP.  if i really like it, anyway. do you prefer being called your actual name or a nick name?   brittany or just "britt" is fine. do you ever want to get married?   i do.  i'm christian, and marriage is perhaps the most beautiful thing in our faith.  i don't want children until i'm legally bound too, and i do want kids.  and i mean... i guess i'm still trying to be abstinent, so. are you wearing a necklace?   no.  i rarely wear necklaces. have your parents ever caught you drinking?   no.  i've never been drinking when i wasn't supposed to. ever been kissed under fireworks?   i have not. have you ever held hands with someone in a car?   jason usually let me hold his hand while he was driving, yeah. do you like the town you are living in?   *cackles maniacally* how did you get one of your scars?   from scratching my leg obsessively. would you ever get a tattoo/belly ring?   tattoos, fuck yeah, belly button piercing, only if i got much smaller.  i don't like how they look on people my size. have you ever hated a teacher?   no.  i've honestly never had a bad teacher because i actually knew how to behave. when is your birthday?   february 5th!!  coming up!! c: are you afraid of roller coasters?   YUP.  i'm terrified of throwing up. how often do you think about death, suicide or running away?   death/suicide, multiple times a week.  running away, never. have you ever had stitches? where?   in my chin, yes. do you enjoy chicken noodle soup?   nope. have you ever been on omegle?   no, because i'm honestly not fond of seeing random dicks. do/did you enjoy it when your school would have pep rallys?   NO.  i hated them so much that i always stayed in class with the teacher. have you ever been caught cheating on a test?   no, because i don't cheat on tests. do alligators scare you?   nah.  i mean if one was coming after me i'd obviously be fearful nor would i approach one, but in general, they don't scare me.  i rather think they're very cool.. are your parents proud of you?   i'm sure they're not.  i've done nothing to warrant pride. do you play just dance on the wii?   not anymore, but i would once in a while back when.  once, during my little sister's birthday, jason and i danced to a kiss song... and he beat me.  i'm still salty af. what are your initials?   bmd, or bmcd if you want my catholic name. did you ever want a pet rabbit?   not adamantly.  my sister had one once and she was veeeery messy. ashley didn't know the rabbit had died for a week. who was the last person that asked to hang out with you?   colleen if you knew that one of your friends was considering suicide, what would you say to them?   ... i'd be a bad person to talk to about suicide.  nevertheless, i'd speak to them pretty wishfully, to be honest.  ex. "everything eventually gets better," bullshit like that that doesn't happen for everyone. have you ever felt so depressed that you were struggling to carry on?   oh, you mean the daily struggle? have you ever worn colored mascara?   no... but that'd be cool depending on what i was wearing! before facebook became popular, did you use any other social networking site, like bebo or myspace?   myspace, yes.  i remember mine was entirely dedicated to meerkats lmao. has anyone ever asked you out and you turned them down?   yes. are you a secretive person?   online, not really.  real life, yeah. if you were going to buy a present for the person you love, what would you generally choose?   something oriented around "magic: the gathering."  or something with cthulu. ever gave a really long apology?   i have. have you ever felt like you literally needed someone?   i have.  call it crazy, but you ain't experienced heartbreak until you've felt it. where would you like to go on your honeymoon?   it'd be quite ideal if i could go to south africa for that so i could fulfill my dream of photographing the kmp meerkats, but i don't know how romantic that would be.  i'd want my future spouse's opinion here. would you ever cut all your hair off to raise money for charity?   all my hair?  no, honestly. do you eat the slice of lemons you get in drinks?   NONONONONO.  i will never forget that gmm episode where they talked about surprisingly filthy things and the lemons were one of them due to having relatively common contact with fecal bacteria from employees not washing their hands. do you like family get-togethers?   my family doesn't really have those because most of my family isn't in nc.  on the rare occasion some of the family's together, generally, no, i don't really enjoy them because half the family has shit to say about me. where does your (favorite) pet sleep at night?   in my old room.  i'd love for him to sleep with me, but he's old and has accidents. how many pillows do you actually use while sleeping (not just on your bed)?   three. do you prefer using regular or mechanical pencils?   mechanical. who in your family has the longest hair? how long is yours?   nicole or ashley, pretty sure nicole tho.  mine is mid-way between my shoulders and breasts. what do you hear now?   "fuck away the pain" by divide the day.  i really don't know why, but this song helps me feel better about shit sometimes...? what are all the areas of your body that you shave?   underarms, legs, trim a "certain area" when you go on webcam, who do you chat with the most? do you use any specific sites or programs?   i never use my webcam what books (if any) have you read more than once?   "because of winn-dixie" i read twice, and "meerkat manor: flower of the kalahari" i've probably read over 10 times lmao.  i skipped over clutton-brock's tangents in the later re-reads, though. what is your favorite card game?   "magic: the gathering" i assume.  i'm not big into card games. what is your most expensive piece of jewelry? if it was a gift, who got it for you?   that's a very good question.  i honestly couldn't tell you. what is your favorite video game to play by yourself?   i love replaying "silent hill 2" and experiencing it again, but the feeling will never be as raw as the first time.  i have to be in the "right" mood to play it though, or else it will REALLY depress me. you have to get a piercing, what do you get?   i want a vertical labret for my lip again. what are you wearing?   plaid pajama pants, cheshire cat tank top do you like the ocean?   i do, but it also scares me.  A LOT. would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?   honestly, i sleep better alone, but i'd prefer to be with someone. do you wear glasses?   always, unless i feel like taking a picture without them for whatever reason. do you wear contacts?   no, but i did years ago.  i was just bad with taking them in and out, so i got glasses instead. have you ever loved someone, but broke their heart?   i couldn't tell you.  he sure as fuck never acted like it.  despite being together for 3 1/2 years. have you had a bf/gf that you never kissed?   if you want to count my first two boyfriends, yeah, i never kissed either of 'em. would you be able to stand being in the same room as someone you hate?   no.  one of us would die that day. has anybody criticized the way your significant other looked?   it's happened before and i'm just like... why???  you're not the one dating him stfu. have you ever stayed up late talking to a bf/gf on the phone or online?   plenty of times. do you have any handshakes with anybody?   nah. what has been the stupidest reason someone has broken up with you?   i've only been broken up with once, and he might as well have said, "i'm sorry you're too sick for me after all this time so i'mma leave you to die peace bye" who do you care about more, your significant other or your best friend(s)?   i don't have a significant other, so i'm just going to say crush instead.  and honestly?  i care about him more, sorry. do you have any pictures of yourself with a bf/gf?   i still have every picture i've ever taken with jason.  hell, i still have our facebook album of pictures because i refuse to delete it. is there anyone you don’t like that always seems to be everywhere you are?   no. who in your life is your number one priority to make sure they’re happy?   i would say jason, but he's not really "in my life," so i don't... really know...?  i mean i guess colleen.  though i'm aware it should be me.  i just can't manage to care for myself like that. do you like making lists?   i'm neutral, honestly. do you play sports with your siblings?   nope. what color or design does your shower curtain have?   it's actually entirely blank. does it bother you when animals lick themselves?   no, they're just cleaning themselves.  my mom though, she cannot STAND the sound.  she'll yell at any of the dogs if they're doing it. could you ever give yourself a shot?   probs. do you wear a bra 24/7?   i only ever wear a bra if i'm going somewhere.  gotta let the ladies be free fam. have you ever worked as a cashier?   yes, and FUCK THAT a million ways over. do you know how to tap dance?   i know how to clog, and it's pretty much identical, just the shoes are different. what ethnicity is the last person you talked to?   white do you have any interests in psychology?   i find it extremely interesting, but i have no desire to learn more about it.  the brain is too dangerous. would you go out with someone right now if they asked?   only if you were jason. have you ever met anyone who claimed to be a witch?   i have indeed.  very close online friend. have you ever been to michigan?   when i was a baby, yes. would you ever tattoo a lover’s name onto your body?   never in a million years.  i'd get matching tattoo or a couple tat, but NEVER his name. do you know anyone with asthma?   my mother and grandma. are you going to force your kids to be in activity or let them choose?   i would never force my child to do something they didn't want to do. do you watch toddlers and tiaras?   omg no, fuck that show and its concept.  i do not, even mildly, agree with pitting your child against another to decide who's more "beautiful."  jesus christ, do you WANT your child to grow up insecure as shit?  i personally know a number of children who have been in pageants, and guess what, they're snobby, materialistic little... ugh.  even if my child asked, i wouldn't allow them to be in a pageant.  just no. what was the last band t-shirt you bought?   good question. if someone asked you to go to war today, what would you say?   hell no, son.  i'm 1.) not patriotic enough and 2.) i'm a pacifist and 3.) i just have no desire. are you passionate?   holy fuck yes.  i honestly think it's my favorite trait about me personally. do you own an old vintage typewriter?   we did at one point, no idea where it went... do you hate how dogs bark every time someone comes to your house?   oh my GOD you ought to hear how our dogs are when someone comes home. have you ever been to sea world?   i have as a child; i still remember being splashed all to hell by shamu or whatever the whale's name was there.  now as an adult, i don't know if i'd go again... due to obvious controversy.  i don't know how i feel about it, honestly.  like i do believe it's very important for us to learn about animals, but to put a huge whale on display for our entertainment?  i dunno, man. do you know someone who suffers from short term memory loss?   it's very well possible i do.  i forget shit WAY too easily. are you a protective person?   oh boy, can i be.  i'm the type that would kill for those who deserve my protection. have you ever experienced an earthquake?   no.  i was two-three hours away when a very, very minor earthquake struck the east coast, though.  mom felt it at home. does your house have a dishwasher?   we do. do you know anyone who has a flower tattoo?   probably, idk. could you say something good about the last person you kissed?   he's very realistic. what exactly did you drink the last time you were intoxicated?   mike's hard and smirnoff what languages can you count to ten or higher in?   english, german, spanish do you feel uncomfortable sharing drinks with other people?   depends on the person. do you believe that the world will actually end?   i'm certain it will eventually. are you socially awkward?   always. are you satisfied with your gender?   i am, but even if i wasn't, what would i do about it? are you good at admitting your problems?   probably too good. who is your family doctor?   dr. emanuel has anyone suspected you of being a different sexuality?   yep.  most recently when it seemed colleen's pastor thought we were a lesbian couple lmao do you ever floss?   i confess, no. are you an impatient person?   OH LORD YEAH are you a supporter of the war?   fuck no. has your cell phone ever rung in class?   no. speaking of which, what kind of phone do you have?   samsung galaxy do you sometimes think you aren’t as fortunate as others?   i'm perfectly aware i'm not as fortunate as most.  face it, not everyone is blessed equally. are you a paranoid person?   very. what would you say is your favorite type of flower?   tiger lilies would you consider yourself a clean person?   for the most part, yeah.  i don't like feeling dirty. do you have a hint of obsessive compulsive disorder?   not so much anymore.  i used to have repetitive thought cycles BADLY, but thank god i fought so hard to overcome that. how many trees surround your individual house?   loads.  we live in the woods. is halloween simply the greatest holiday ever?   if you can actually get into the spirit, absolutely.  haven't felt it for a long time, though... is pantera one of your favorite bands?   definitely not a fave, but i like some songs by them.  especially "walk." what color car would you definitely not want to own?   white.  gets dirty too easily. are you picky when it comes to music?   very much so. what's something you disagree with about the way you were raised?   my mom spanked us. has the opposite sex ever written you a poem?   yes, but i'm very suspicious it wasn't just for me.  juan was well-known to be a player.  he probably gave it to other girls. have you ever been a featured member on any website?   i have. who’s the last person you had a sleepover with?   chelsea