*watches new show* oh...guess this is all I will be talking about for the next ten years
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autism and strong emotion just be like… SHAKE! SHAKE SO HARD! BUT FEEL TRAPPED BY THE PRISON OF YOUR BONES *screams*
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the gorgug-porter conversation is interesting to me because like. yea for the overwhelming majority of the conversation porter’s being shitty & trying to fit gorgug into a box that gorgug just does not fit into by trying to make gorgug’s relationship with his rage more focused on the aggression aspect of it. but then there’s also this specific thing that brennan brought up again in the ap, which is that gorgug’s relationship with his rage is wholly “this is a tool i use to protect my friends.” which isn’t a bad thing! but that’s his Whole relationship with it, & gorgug seems to place next to no value on his rage in relationship to himself. which is problematic, because it’s first & foremost his rage.
being raised in a household with a sort of toxic positivity largely meant that, whether or not it was his parents’ intention, gorgug internalized the message that more traditionally “negative” emotions such as anger are the wrong response to something. part of the reason he prioritizes his artificing is probably because it’s “fixing” things. in comparison to being a barbarian, which gorgug associates with “breaking” things. good vs. bad behavior, in his eyes.
it’s a totally unacceptable bar to measure a 16 y/o by, but i do think part of porter’s reasoning for not letting gorgug multiclass is him recognizing that gorgug generally does not value anger as a valid emotional response to something, at the very least for himself. & that directly conflicts with what being a barbarian is, because whether you like it or not, that rage is what fuels you. but again, barring a kid from pursuing something they deeply care about in part (not entirely, porter has a lot of more bullshit reasons) because of their fundamental values & world outlook is crazy.
so yes, 98% of porter’s reasoning is pretty shitty, immature, rife with a toxic view that there’s only one proper way to access rage, & generally not a good thing to do as a teacher, but also within that reasoning is the 2% of ‘there is a fundamental part of yourself that you only value if you can use it to take care of other people & you need to accept that as something that can take care of you, too.’ but that’s something to discuss with a therapist or a guidance counselor, not something that should hugely impact gorgug’s academic future.
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rue is, i think, in love with the idea of love.
they set a wager. the lords of the wing will find true love in this romantic, ephemeral bloom, if they only seek it. they can win it, as though it’s a game.
they long to abolish the courts. their own court has never held any love for them - why would any other court be different? a court stifles, a court smothers, a court suffocates love. the courts must be abolished, so that love can bloom. true love, love that is unfettered by politics, or station, or duty.
they are the architect of the bloom. the hunt, the heart. the dance. the potions. they will pour love into a cup and the guests will drink their fill. fae from across the realms will fall in beautiful, perfect love at rue’s hand.
they have become the arbiter of love. when an engagement between a cruel prince and a wild goblin is set, what else can they do but judge it unfit? it was not love, it was not true.
they share a moment in a forest with a venerated captain. he is tall, as they are. he is clawed, as they are. he is a beast, as they are, and so beautiful for it. they fall fast, and hard, and heavy. and perhaps it is only the nature of queerness, of a life lived behind a mask, yearning for the faintest spark, that causes them to love so fast.
or perhaps they did not truly fall in love with hob at all. for they did not see him.
they fell in love with a reflection of themself.
except, of course, that hob is not a reflection of rue. hob is his own person, and like any real person, he cannot live up to an idea. and while rue is on a wonderful journey of revelation and self acceptance, it is baffling to them that someone else’s love does not always mirror their own.
rue, in an act of bravery and vulnerability and hope, removed their mask. and they long so very much to remove hob’s - but he has never worn a mask. he has always been exactly as he is - a soldier, devoted and dutiful. an outsider, used and abused by his court. rue’s true form was hidden by their court, while hob’s otherness has always been mercilessly exposed.
rue loves hob for the idea of who he could be, if he could simply unmask as they did. but hob needs, just as rue does, to be loved for who he is.
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FINALLY made a new and improved ref sheet for my watchdog oc, Larry! + a bonus doodle i was proud enough to post with @joeyprotozoas two woy ocs; Bert and Sherri Jr ^_^
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What are some little things that are slightly cool about a disability you have?
Hm.. I don't know if you'd call it cool (I would), but my experience with schizophrenia has given me a perspective on reality that sane people don't often have. TW for unreality? I think I've made a post about it a long time ago, but there isn't one singular reality that we all experience. Yeah, there's the collective existence of everything, but as human beings, we can only experience well.. what we experience. We're not omniscient.
This is to say, everyone has their own reality, and the closest thing we get to Reality (singular) is interacting with each other and the world around us. We share our thoughts, feelings, memories. We experience life at the same time, in the same place, and form similar yet different views on the existence of all of that. So, no one is ever really out of touch with reality... everything someone does, says, believes, makes sense within the context of their life - what they've been through, what they've been taught, what they feel and think.
The problem comes when we use our lives - our realities - to harm others. To remove their agency, invalidate their existence. That's something a lot of psychotic people go through. Even when our beliefs and experiences harm no one - not even ourselves - we're forced to change. And when we do experience disorder, we're not given an option to really cope and experience fulfillment as a psychotic person. We're just made to be sane.
I kind of miss being psychotic. It was harmless, when I was younger. Believing I was a deity or cat person or whatever, it made life more colorful. More interesting. The most distressing thing I dealt with was thinking there were microscopic cameras in my walls... and I feel like that could have been coped with. Unfortunately, once my psychosis became severe and life threatening (due to the trauma of antiplurality and psychiatric abuse) the safest option was to just get me on meds to make me sane.
So yeah. Reality is weird and I think psychotics are cool. Also fuck sanists and psychiatry.
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monsters and mommies au except its really obvious that the thing i think about the most is how it would impact the trial/jodie arc
(i feel like ive seen a few people do these aus but i just searched it and only found its-raining-heres au so um. if i ripped you off im so so sorry i thought it was a fun trend)
rambling /explaining this more under the cut but tl;dr: i thought it would be more interesting for this au, to Not make a fifth mom and instead twist the punishment so that jodie still replaces glenn! however, its in the sense that morgan got retroactively married to a "responsible parent" rather than her (late) husband, glenn :3c so essentially the same punishment, just inflicted in a way that feels very different
okay so to infodump, because i havent touched this au in a creative sense but HAVE talked my partner and their boyfriend's ear off about it despite them not watching dndads--
im not gonna ramble about everything. but! in my ideal monster and mommies au, morgan is the most different from her husband, compared to the other moms. i found that carol would mirror darryl very closely, mercedes and samantha more mirror their husbands in a general sense, but morgan i thought would be more fun being much different from glenn :] still have similar Plot Beats(tm) but very twisted on their head
in this au, since they swap places, glenn is. yknow. dead. sorry man. but rather than going glenn's route of like, totally disconnecting from reality bhjfdbgjfdbj morgan instead gets very very intense and protective over nick, to the point of it driving a wedge between them. nick still idolizes glenn, and he remembers what his mom used to be like before she got so scared, and so he strives to be Rock And Roll Edgy Teen Boy and it makes morgan. crazy. (it is definitely more nick acting out for attention than him genuinely wanting to be a druggie rock star, mirroring how nick would imitate glenn mostly to get his attention, but morgan does not know that LOL) but she struggles a lot with figuring out how to control him beyond getting into arguments and so she is a very ineffective parent
originally, i was actually gonna have mercedes have to go on trial instead of morgan for various reasons, but i just. the whole jodie thing was too interesting to me. it wouldve been funny to make henry and jodie gay married but i just thought i could get more creative with it. so instead, jodie still replaces glenn as nick's father... but this time, its because morgan gives up her marriage with glenn so nick would have a better parent, rather than glenn giving up his fatherhood over nick for the same reason :] morgan is basically told that she will be given a marriage that would have better suited raising nick safely, and she accepts (significant because in contrast to glenn, where he doesnt mention morgan very much due to his Bury My Emotions schtick, morgan is very very vocal about missing glenn, so it was an obvious weak spot for her). vainly, she hoped a little bit that maybe it would be glenn but 5% more careful with himself, but instead, she escapes prison to find nick with an entirely different appearance, attitude, and father... very dramatic :D
jodie is much more a background force in this au, but he IS still a demon whos life was ripped away from him so he could go be a highway cop. i dont know if they would ever learn this fact to be honest. still deciding that. maybe morgan just thinks she got a free new husband to divorce or fall in love with or whatever
i talked so long. im so sorry. i just think about this a lot, i love this au and the silly little morgan ive made up in my mind
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i think ppl can and should project onto fictional characters. that's kind of what they're for a lot of the time. even if in the story they dont have the exact same experiences the audience can still find similarities with them and it's empowering to headcanon that, because of these similarities, the character has a similar identity to you. a lot of writers purposely give their characters experiences similar to marginalized groups to make those groups feel seen.
that being said, if you project your own experiences onto your blorbos you HAVE to be able to tell when the story is purposely making the character a metaphor for your experiences and when the story is. not doing that. just because you personally relate to a character doesn't mean the character literally is your marginalized identity. and it definitely doesn't mean that the writers hate your marginalized identity, specifically, if they don't do what you want them to do with that character.
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I think kisara should see kaiba the exact same way villain enjoyers see their blorbos here on tumblr dot com
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Dear Tumblr,
How do I tell my family they're all most definitely and noticeably neurodivergent without causing a huge steaming mess?
Regards,
A guy surrounded by people who say things like “It's literally out of sight out of mind” and “I get distracted while writing a sentence and eventually I just put a full stop” and “I cannot sleep with a hot water bottle that has a bumpy cover,” and who struggle or have struggled significantly socially and with executive function and who often seem oblivious to the big neon signs for ADHD, autism and dyslexia
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trans owen AND autistic owen posts in his tag today. inspired
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I don't know how I do that but I'm friends with so many trans people
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It's not easy to be a guy with a weird gender and complicated relationships with its sexuality and romantic attraction and fat and autistic and traumatized to the bone but someone has to do it
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the need to have "neurotypical" and "neurodivergent" be two completely different things with no grey area in between is a disservice to both groups. i would say every single person on this earth could qualify as neurodivergent if they bothered to go see a psychiatrist. its just that only certain ppl are going to be put in a situation where they cannot function and need a label to explain it bc society
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I've been thinking a lot lately about Delirium and the way she speaks. She talks around a concept, never hitting it head on but glancing off through a series of metaphors and related concepts that explain things far better than wording them straight might. It's very relatable, and I think that's why I like her; that's how I think.
To me, the world isn't composed of precisely defined concepts but a series of interconnected existences which can all, ultimately, be related to each other. I also experience things in the incredibly specific manner Delirium seems to. I have sensitivities largely untethered from aversions, meaning that while I don't often find things deeply unpleasant or intolerable, I still experience them with an unusual specificity which often defies concise explanation. The best way I can convey certain feelings or experiences is through other feelings, experiences, and concepts to weave together a series of approximations that through their similar and dissimilar traits narrow down to what I'm trying to describe. Delirium does this too, and it's treated as a part of her that's no better or worse than any other. There are those that don't understand and those that do, and those that at least try to are awarded for their efforts because finally and most importantly, she genuinely has something to say. Her speech patterns are deceptively rambling because she takes a long time to say what she means to say, while simultaneously saying exactly it.
Delirium is neurodivergent coded in such a cathartic way because of this. I feel her frustration and joy because I know what it's like to be the person trying to explain something that has no words to assign, asking all of the time if there's a word for what she's feeling as a rhetorical and genuine question so that she can explain something without explaining it and call into question why we feel everything must be precisely laid in the place of as few words as possible. She is incredibly intelligent, but loses track of all of what's happening in a far more obvious way than most because there's just so much to keep track of, which is also very relatable as a neurodivergent person. Without putting labels on the experience, she perfectly captures it. I just... I like Delirium quite a lot, and think she'd be very good at post-modern literature.
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