#this is definitely more of a stream of consciousness type post

[tilapia-goulash]

I've gotta say, out of all the MXTX novels, MDZS definitely feels the most "different" to me. Is it a bad thing? Not really. Is it just because of my own biased perception (MDZS was the novel I read last)? Maybe. But as I've thought about it more, I've realized the main thing for me that really separates MDZS from the other two novels isn't its more surface level differences (different flavor of ML, more political drama-y, arguably good sex, etc etc) but rather one simple thing: the scale.

TGCF and SVSSS are stories that have larger scales by necessity of the plot. SVSSS not only has its main setting introduced as a book summary, but is also meant to be a parody of an existing genre, so it stands to reason there'd be the odd worldbuilding monologue where Shen Qingqiu curses out Airplane for his bad writing and whatnot. Worldbuilding is the primary tool through which the reality of Proud Immortal Demon Way as a setting (that being that it's a shoddily written but still fully system-expanded porn novel) is communicated to the audience.

TGCF is about a wandering banished god and a ghost king, so of course there's going to be lore about different kingdoms they've gone through and their histories with each other. Of course there's going to be a general picture painted of all three realms of this world and what each is like. Of course some defining points of our leads' character journeys are when one couldn't prevent a whole kingdom from collapsing and the other was rebirthed in a volcano as an unimaginably powerful super being. It's a fantasy novel. It only makes sense.

In contrast, though, MDZS feels incredibly zoomed in. All of the conflicts are between individual people or clans of maybe 50-100. There aren't any threats to the world at large (aside from maybe the criticized aspects of society like mob mentality and whatnot, depending on how you view it) and, hell, we don't even know what the kingdom it takes place in is called! The "world" of MDZS (if it can even be called that, as small as it is) is its own individual entity that isn't really connected to the greater universe around it. There's barely any worldbuilding at all--aside from the clan-sect thing, it's a bog standard cultivation setting, and there's no "wider impact" of any of the events of the story* outside the people the story chooses to focus on, because, simply put, there doesn't need to be.

In that way, it definitely makes sense that MDZS has the biggest impact on a lot of people. A smaller scale and more personal stakes might make the story feel more grounded and easy to connect with than, say, a giant statue kaiju mecha battle. (Absolutely no disrespect to the giant statue kaiju mecha battle from me, though. That shit was great)

Also, slight tangent, but this might be part of the reason there are more "serious" crossover fics (i.e. ones with more developed plots then "hey wouldn't it be fun if these characters interacted") between TGCF and MDZS than anything involving SVSSS. MDZS's lack of real connection to everything outside its story bubble makes it very easy to just drop in as a random thing going on in the background of TGCF, so it's not a big stretch to imagine. Hypothetically, this would also work with dropping MDZS into the world of SVSSS, but the tones of the stories are so wildly different that they feel a bit harder to reconcile.

In the end, though, it is still nice to see that even though MXTX has written three cultivation danmeis by now, there's still noticeable variety in not just the stories themselves, but the lenses through which they're told. It makes me very excited for whenever her fourth novel comes out, because because who knows what she'd do with a whole new setting...

[citrineandrosmarin]

Intuitive Free Writing

(Decided to make this its own post.)

Free Writing is a method of journaling but can also be used to communicate with entities such as deities. It can also help to develop your clairs. It's pretty simple to do and you can also do it via typing or probably even voice recording if those are more accessible for you. It involves writing your stream of consciousness without worrying about grammar or spelling.

Here is how you can do it:

Grab a notebook or whatever you are going to write/type with. Include a timer if you want to set a time limit.

Set up in a space where you will not be interrupted and have nothing distracting you. It can be quiet or with instrumental music (avoid music with lyrics unless you want to see if certain lyrics pop out to you).

Make an offering (optional) and pray to/invite the deity you want to speak to.You can use a divination tool to confirm their presence if you wish.

Ground and center yourself in the present. You want to get into a receptive, meditative state or as close to it as you are able to have.

Start writing. I usually start with something intentional to get the ball rolling such as "I am listening" or whatever just to get my hands moving.

Write everything that comes to mind or into your awareness - and do not try to control any of it or make judgements about it. You are just receiving right now. Don't worry about spelling or grammar or anything like that. If you smell chocolate then write that down. If you feel dumb doing this then write it down. If your mind is blank then write what you hear or smell or see or just write that your mind is blank.

You may notice in the moment that some things feel different or are definitely not your own thoughts. It may be easy to know what is your deity's message or it may not. If you do notice/feel something then you can write it down or make a little note with a symbol like a * or just be aware of it and continue.

Stop when the timer goes off or when it feels right or when your deity has delivered their message. Thank them.

Read over what you have written. I like to use highlighters here: one color for what was definitely my own thoughts and another for what I am certain is from the deity. You can also have a color for sensory observations, or wherever you're uncertain about where the thought or image comes from, or if you notice something that may be more towards the shadow work side of things or negative thoughts, etc.

Make a note on your experience. How did you feel? Did you sense any energies? Did you feel something different when you were getting down certain words? Reflect a bit on the experience.

If you want you can copy the results into a neater or summarised format then do so! If you have messy handwriting and some words are a mess then go in and make it clearer what the word is. You may look back months later and you don't want to be confused what word that one scribble is supposed to be! I have two journals, one to do this exercise in and one woth the neater notes and summaries.

It may take time to get comfortable doing this and to develop discernment but I've found it very helpful personally!

[lover-of-mine]

Okay, so, this will be a stream-of-consciousness type post, because I am this close to starting to print screenshots and do a full murder board trying to make this make sense to someone who is not in my brain, so I'm gonna type this out, and if you're seeing this that means it worked or I just typed for too long to not post lol.

Buck, Actually. Buck, Bothered, and Bewildered. I am not the only person that desperately wants a callback, and I know I'm not the only one thinking about what this might mean for buddie. Well, I've been saying for a while now that I would try to type out something about how buddie has been planned and the answers are in Buck, Actually, and that's what I'm gonna do now, I guess.

We know Buck gets a lot of his ideas of love from Buck, Actually. Seeing Maddie and Chim in the early stages, his own quest with love while moving on from Abby, notably Mitchell and Thomas and the "you don't find it, son, you make it." Buck's quest with love now is at a point where Buck wants to be seen "I feel like she sees me" but he is still at a point where he doesn't want to actually be seen, he wants someone to see what he wants to show, but that's not what actual love is. But still, we start out Buck, Actually with Buck literally in front of a huge sign that says "See Me" (also just to add into my madness about the blue and green in other elements of the scene, love the clear divide of Eddie against the sky and Buck against the sign, and yes I know they can't change the color of the sky or the sign but shh just go with it) with Eddie right above it. Interesting scene composition I think.

But talking about the actual couple here, we have Lola, who feels like her husband doesn't see her anymore after a situation where she feels like she lost herself, their kid went off to college, she has more time to herself, is struggling, and goes nuclear until Norman proves that he does in fact see her, just not in the way she was looking for, dude just wasn't aware there was a problem that needed to be addressed. I know I make everything about the cemetery scene lately, but come on. The whole thing with being seen, Buck not knowing who he is after dying, the expectation he is putting on himself about being the person he was before but he doesn't know who that is, like, come on, it's there.

Then the robbers and the two employees at the gas station, granted the robbers are a lot about Buck thinking about his own ways when it comes to sex and women considering he just had sex with Taylor in a bathroom, BUT here is when I start to go a little crazy. Because Ruth and Earl have that little moment of a relationship developing (hi blue scrunchie green cap 🫶), which we later see has developed, but Earl with his injured right shoulder is talking about how he's hurt but he was only thinking about her safety.

Does that sound familiar to anyone else? Just a thought. Yes, I know I'm crazy, it's fine, it will get worse.

Because another thing about the episode is the whole "till death do us part" thing, with the newlyweds who crashed their car, Mitchell and Thomas dying together, and maybe even Buck having to hold Lola back so she wouldn't fall. I'll come back to this in a second, but you gotta love a nice little crush injury involving a vehicle and a focus on handholding, huh?

But the thing is, Mitchell and Thomas make an impression on Buck, and Mr Self Destruct for Attention because that was the only way I was shown love as a child definitely takes the way they die together a bit too literally. Taylor being in this episode while being blatantly wrong for Buck makes an interesting point on that and the way bucktaylor evolves, because Buck gets the whole you make it, and decides he needs to kill himself to make it work, and it is what he ultimately does with Taylor, he thinks he loves her, he thinks she loves him, and he thinks that means if he doesn't give up he can move past his very obvious reservations about the relationship as a whole because "love is not supposed to be easy". But the whole thing is that Buck focuses on the wrong thing there because while Michell and Thomas died together, they had a whole life together, the point is not the death, it is the life. Yes, you need to fight to make it work, but the fight is not all you have.

Another thing about the episode is the concept of movement too, like, Lola's call on a freeway, both accidents involving a car crash of some sort, the robbery is a chase, even Buck and Taylor in the news van, Maddie talking about how slow being on the freeway is, and metaphorically too, with Madney starting to move towards something, Athena learning to deal with Michael's boyfriend. And Buck finally allowing himself to move on, and move on not going back to his old habits, sleeping with anyone for connection, but actually talking to his love interest for a change.

And we have relationships in all types of moments there, we have Buck and Taylor doomed to fail, we have Maddie and Chim in that nice early stage where you're falling in love with someone, you have Bobby and Athena and the whole when you know you know and the way Bobby proposes the next episode, we have the newlyweds, we have Ruth and Earl making the change in their relationship, we have Robber Guy and Baby Bear realizing that she's more in it than he is, we have Lola and Norman and the whole relationships take effort no matter how long you've been together, you have Mitchell and Thomas sharing a whole life.

There's also the whole layer of having the couple that shows Buck what he wants out of love be a gay couple, the way when Buck realizes Thomas is unresponsive he calls for Eddie first, because Chim and Hen are at the call, and they're not with Mitchell because Mitchell's body is there too, so like, the choice to make sure Eddie would be right next to Buck to comfort him is something.

Also, something else, the inmate who kidnaps them is also called Mitchell, and I cannot explain how I got here for the life of me. But Mitchell, Mitchell, Charlie, Charlie, Ambulance.

I don't know, something about the repetition of names, the ambulance as a key piece of the scene, the bonding, the comfort, the fear, the way Mitchell and Thomas died together, and Buck and Eddie could have died together in all of those situations. And the way Buck volunteers into the danger in all of those situations, he offers to help Eddie with the grenade, he goes to get Eddie without backup while actively being shot at, he runs toward the gunfire because he thinks Eddie is in danger, so like, it's a pattern of wanting to go together.

But also, the madney of it all, because while they are clearly moving towards something, they are not ready yet, but everything is acknowledged, which honestly is my main hope, because I don't think buddie is ready yet, but I would like some acknowledgment that where they're going, yk? And with the episode title possibly being a play with the song about being in love and not showing it, not knowing what to do with it, and the next episode being called "you don't know me" who could also be referencing a song about being in love with someone who doesn't know, we could be looking at real movement happening between the two of them yk?

I don't know if this makes a lot of sense, but if you read this I love you 🫶

[augustjustice]

you wanna feel how it feels? (let's exchange the experience) 2/?

Part 1 | AO3 Link

With this second chapter, the bodyswapping shenanigans have officially arrived!

What a weird fucking dream that had been. 

Not quite as bad as some of the nightmares he’d had before, not by a long shot–and Eddie would take his breaks where he could get them, even the small ones, given how few and far between they”were–but, still. Pretty damn bizarre. 

As he came more and more into consciousness, the unpleasant sensation of pressure building at his temples increased. Eddie dug the heel of his hand into the side of his head, searching for a little relief. It didn’t feel quite like a headache coming on, not exactly, but instead just something slightly–off.

Blinking his eyes open blearily, Eddie found himself squinting against the edges of sunlight streaming in between blinds that were framed by–checkered curtains?

He sat up abruptly, neck swiveling around to take in his surroundings. The combination of the motion and the identical pattern of cream and brown and blue on both the curtains and the walls was enough to make his head spin a little. He recognized it immediately, though, even as he realized that he definitely wasn’t in his own bedroom. 

Because he was…in Steve’s?

What the fuck, had he fallen asleep here? That would explain the dull throb in his head–if he’d come over to Stevie’s place, hung out, broken into his father’s expensive booze and maybe shared a joint, it’d make sense he was feeling it the morning after. 

Except that…Eddie had absolutely no memory of any of that. Not even like…lapses from getting too drunk lack of memory, but nada, a total void, not even a glimmer of recollection. 

Shit. He really hoped he wasn’t going to have to add memory loss to the growing list of his post-Upside Down medical complications. 

Eddie turned to the other side of the bed, hoping that maybe Steve could fill in some of the gaps for him–and found it empty, not so much as a tuft of voluminous brown hair sticking out from the comforter in sight.

Which wasn’t all that unusual, really. Steve pretty much always let Eddie crash in his room when he stayed over, and he was more of an early riser than Eddie had ever been–Eddie considered himself much more of the late night owl type, teasing Steve that all the fun stuff didn’t really get started until after dark. So it wasn’t that waking up alone in Steve’s room was a first, or anything like that, but he still felt totally thrown off kilter by his complete and utter lack of clarity on how he’d ended up there in the first place.

“Steve?” Eddie called out, hoping maybe he hadn’t gone too far. 

…Shit, what the fuck? That was weird as hell, too.

Eddie’s hand went straight to his throat, fingers massaging at it absently. Because his voice had come out sounding all wrong, he knew that much. But Eddie couldn’t quite put his finger on what the problem was. It wasn’t like it was jarring in a way he could easily wave away, like the days when he woke up with a hangover, voice gravelly after having slept too long and with the stench of beer breath clinging to his mouth. 

No, this morning his voice sounded softer, and maybe…an octave or two higher, than usual? Which…wasn’t really a thing Eddie was aware could happen. Well, not post the embarrassing phase of voice cracking puberty he had already had to suffer through, at least. 

And besides all that there was something…comfortingly familiar about the way it had sounded, at the same time that it was clearly completely off.  

Shaking his head, Eddie climbed out of bed, now bound and determined to find Steve. eager for the reassurance of his presence while more weird shit just kept piling up. Steve was great in a crisis, Eddie had seen that first hand, and he had no doubt he’d be just as ready to handle brain fog and cracking voices as he was surreal Upside Down weirdness. 

There was a full-sized ensuite bathroom just off of Steve’s bedroom that he had all to himself–a fact Eddie hadn’t been able to resist teasing him about the first time he had come over, Hawkins High’s golden boy with his own private baths–so that’s where he headed, giving the cream colored door a sharp knock and hoping against hope Steve might just be up taking a shower. 

“Stevie boy? Where’d you get off too, man?”

No answer, and when Eddie pressed his ear up against the thin wood, it was quiet, no sound of faucets running or water hitting shower tiles either one. 

Disappointed his first venture had been a bust, Eddie shouldered his way inside anyway. Steve was probably just downstairs making breakfast, or something. In the meantime, it might do Eddie some good to splash cold water on his face, try to see if he could clear his head a little. 

Bracing one hand against the sink’s edge, Eddie reached out to flick on the tap and lifted his gaze up to his reflection to assess the damages–expecting his own frizzy, wild curls and perhaps a telltale pair of red-rimmed eyes, concrete evidence of just what he’d gotten up to last night, to meet him.

Instead…Steve Harrington–in all his freckled, messy-haired, shirtless glory–stared back at him. 

And Eddie…well. Eddie was man enough to admit it.

He screamed.

The last thing he saw was a brief glimpse of Steve's wide, panicked hazel eyes looking straight at him from the mirror before, in his haste to back the fuck away, his leg hit the side of the Harrington's bathtub, and he toppled into it, landing straight on his ass.

…You'd really think, after everything that had happened, Eddie would have gotten better at handling these kind of mind-bending situations with a little bit more grace, but–nope. Apparently not.

"Fuck! That hurt," he complained from his position sprawled out in the white porcelain, rubbing a hand over his sore calf–and, yeah, okay, the muscle there was definitely more defined than usual, what the hell???

Eddie held out his hands in front of him, turned them over and wiggled his fingers. They were longer than they should have been, palms broader, skin several shades tanner than his own semi-ghostly paleness. The calluses that had worn into the grooves from long hours spent playing his sweetheart, as familiar to him as the lines on his palms, were gone.

"Jesus H. Christ," he muttered, and Steve's voice, inflection all wrong, echoed back to him from the pristine bathroom tiles. 

Strike what he’d said earlier. Apparently this was weirdness surreal enough to rival whatever shit the Upside Down had going on. 

Taking a moment to just…breathe, Eddie slumped against the shower wall, scruffing a hand over the top of his head in his frustration. But even that didn’t offer so much as a seconds reprieve from the situation, as Steve's shorter, silky locks made for an alien but not unpleasant texture against his palms.

"I'll give you one thing, Harrington," Eddie said as he ran his fingers through that hair again, at least taking the opportunity to enjoy the feel of it this time, "they don't call you 'The Hair' for nothing."

Once he had finally managed to awkwardly climb his way out of the bathtub–and he’d have some bruises to apologize to Steve for later, he guessed, as he’d flailed on a couple of those tries–Eddie slowly approached the mirror, with all the caution Wayne had taught him to have when confronting an animal poised to strike.

The image inside hadn’t changed, however. There was Steve, comically wide eyes still blinking back at him, shoulders hunched inward in a defensive stance that was a far cry from the confidence Steve usually exuded when striding into battle. Like he was trying to make himself smaller instead of acting as a shield, which–Eddie was trying to shrink into himself, like if he could just shy away from the reality confronting him this would all fade away like yet another bad dream.

Wrapping his knuckles lightly against the smooth surface, Eddie gave it one last shot, calling out, “Harrington? …Steve? No chance you’re just, I don’t know–trapped inside the looking glass like Alice, is there?”

But Eddie knew he wasn’t. For one thing, he’d already heard Steve’s voice, reverberating inside the bathroom, the sound the same no matter how much he tried to clear his throat. And the Steve inside the mirror had tapped his knuckles gently against Eddie’s own, matching him move for move. 

There was no hiding from reality as it stared him right in the face. Especially not when all the evidence was irrefutable. 

…He was inside Steve Harrington’s body.

Fascination briefly overtaking fear, Eddie poked his cheek curiously. Then, he ran a thumb over that plush bottom lip before flashing a wide, semi-maniacal grin–the kind he’d been using for years to spook the schoolyard bullies who made tormenting him their favorite pastime. He watched the Steve in the mirror do the same, the world’s strangest game of monkey-see, monkey-do. 

Struck by inspiration, Eddie pressed two fingers against the side of his head in his makeshift devil’s horns and stuck out his tongue. He couldn’t suppress the cackle of laughter that burst out of him at the sight.

Even if it wasn’t real, having Steve’s wide grin shining in his direction, expression so carefree and delighted, was enough to make Eddie’s heart flutter in his chest. He’d pull pretty much any level of clownish buffoonery to get Steve to look like that when he was–well, actually here, in his own body. 

Holy shit, he really was turning into such a sap.

“Get a hold of yourself, man,” Eddie muttered to himself.

Advice he ought to heed, in more ways than one. Because the thought of Steve–actual Steve, that is–and his smile brought on a whole new question, one that hit Eddie with a fresh wave of dread. 

If he was here…then where the hell was Steve? 

–

“Think. Think, think, think, Munson,” Eddie muttered to himself, hands raking over his head as he paced a tight circle around Steve’s distressingly barren bedroom, trying his damnedest to ignore the sound of Steve’s voice coming out of his mouth. 

Squatting down into a crouch against the side of Steve’s bed, he ran a hand over his neck and along his jaw, Steve’s morning stubble rasping against his palm. 

“Okay, so, for some fucking reason–I’m in Steve’s body. Which means he’s gotta be somewhere, and the rules of storytelling and movie magic and just, like…general logic dictate that if I’m in here, he must be in mine.”

That at least set forth a clear enough course of action. Go to the last place his body was–that is, sleeping at the trailer–and hopefully find Steve. 

In the interest of getting dressed as quickly as possible, Eddie grabbed the first pair of pants he found hanging over the back of Steve’s desk chair, one of very few things in the room even remotely out of place. Eddie could practically hear Steve’s bitchy tone, commenting on the fashion faux pas of wearing the same outfit twice–but Eddie was ready and willing to deal with a dozen catty complaints once he found him. 

"When I said I wanted to get in Steve's pants, this is not exactly what I had in mind," Eddie muttered to the universe at large as he tugged on the light denim jeans. Then, as he found himself forced to hop to pull them into place, he couldn’t help but add, “Christ, big boy, jeans tight enough for you?”

Then again, he couldn’t really argue with the results. As was obvious from the survey he did of himself in the full-length mirror hanging on Steve’s closet door, spinning around to get a better look, it wasn’t like Steve didn’t have the assets to fill them out nicely.

Which–Eddie knew that, of course he did. Steve had an ass like a ripe peach, it was kinda hard not to notice. But it was one thing to take surreptitious glances, subtly checking his friend out only when he was sure Steve wasn’t paying any attention, and another altogether to have the opportunity to just…stare as much as he wanted to. 

“Jesus Christ, man, pull it together,” he scolded himself, screwing his eyes shut for a moment and shaking his head to try and clear it. 

It was bad enough to think that kind of thing about your probably straight buddy on a regular basis without them being any the wiser–now that he was actually in Steve’s body, Eddie was pretty sure wasting time just unabashedly ogling him was the last thing he needed to be doing. Especially when he should be figuring out what the hell was going on instead. 

(Sure as hell didn’t make it any less tempting, though.)

To finish out the look, he tossed on his favorite of Steve’s rotating sweater collection–the yellow one, recovered from the boat they had abandoned during Spring Break by some passing fishermen and so miraculously saved from the fate of sinking to the bottom of Lovers Lake, that Steve occasionally let him borrow when he was staying over and got cold. 

Bouncing on the balls of his feet with nervous energy and desperately wishing he had his rings to fiddle with, Eddie gave himself one last once over.

“Shit, okay. It’ll do.” With a sharp dip of his chin, he nodded jerkily, and then sucked in a breath to steady himself. “Let’s, uh…go and find you, pretty boy.”

–

Eddie crept down the stairs, careful to keep quiet. Since the commotion he had made earlier in the bathroom hadn’t summoned the Harrington parents, it seemed a pretty safe bet that they weren’t around. As was typical, at least from Eddie’s experience so far. Still, he was ninety-nine percent positive he wasn’t going to be able to bluff his way through an interaction like that–he’d been in drama, sure, but that would take an Award-winning performance, and like Robin said, he had dropped out–so better safe than sorry. 

Once he’d made it to the front door and pulled on Steve’s Nikes without incident, Eddie snatched the Beemer’s keys off a hook on the hat rack and all but dashed outside into the identikit, manicured lawns of Loch Nora. 

–

Settling into the driver’s seat of Steve’s baby was definitely not a position Eddie ever thought he’d find himself in. But, then again, he had ended up in a lot of those this morning. 

Steve was a car guy, through and through–it was one of few overlapping interests he and Eddie shared–and he treated that BMW with the same sort of care people usually reserved for their own children. Not that Eddie could fault him for it, since he felt the same damn way about the Warlock, his sweetheart. 

Because of that, though, Steve basically didn’t let other people so much as think about driving his car. Robin would have probably been his single exception, if she actually had a license.

In this case, though, extenuating circumstances being what they were, Eddie was just going to have to ask Steve’s forgiveness rather than his permission.

Wracked with nerves, he yanked open the Beemer’s glove box, sending out futile hope into the universe that maybe, just maybe–

"Jackpot! Oh, thank fuck," he swore in relief when his hand closed around the pack of Marlboro Reds shoved towards the back. 

He peered inside. The two cigarettes sitting there might as well have been bathed in a heavenly glow. 

Eddie rolled down the window, stuck one of those little babies between his lips, and flicked open the lighter he’d found tossed in the cupholder. 

"Sorry, Stevie," he apologized to the other boy's reflection in the rearview mirror before taking a long drag. 

As he’d said just the night before, thanks to Robin's persistent complaints, he knew with a few small exceptions that Steve had pretty much quit cold turkey. 

And even though he made a show otherwise, Eddie was actually trying to cut back himself. What could he say? One too many of Robin's disbelieving 'After everything we've been through, you really want to die from one of those little cancer sticks?!' had gotten to him, too. Dangerously persuasive, that Buckley. 

But there weren't any joints in the car, and he hadn’t been kidding when he said that nicotine was a balm in times of high stress. Which, Eddie was pretty sure whatever the fuck was happening to him right now fell justifiably into that category. 

Eddie's–Steve's–whoever's knee was bouncing erratically as he started the car, and Eddie honestly felt like he might jump out of his skin at any second. 

Better not, he thought wryly, who knows whose skin you'll jump into next. 

He peeled out of the Harrington’s driveway with a squeal of tires, a move that earned him a ferocious glare from the old lady pruning flowers across the street. 

The agonizing predictability of rich suburbanites never failed to impress Eddie.

Sending her a sarcastic wave and what he hoped was a patent charming Harrington smile, it was only once he had fully turned the corner that he let his fingers all drop, only the middle left standing.

–

When he pulled up in front of the trailer, Uncle Wayne’s truck was already out front, striking out the possibility of Eddie just strolling up and knocking on the front door. For starters, he didn’t want to wake his uncle up on a good day. But, aside from that, there was the whole fact that if his Uncle Wayne was the one who came to answer, Eddie had no idea how he was supposed to even act–not when he looked like this. 

That was how he found himself climbing the stairs of the front porch on tip-toe so he could sneak into his own bedroom window. 

Steve had done this a couple of times himself–mostly for the novelty of it, Eddie could only assume, since Wayne or him either one were always happy to let Steve inside. There was also the surprise factor to it, when he dropped in on late nights Eddie hadn’t been expecting him, always quick with a reminder that the stealth was a product of his ninja-like reflexes, Munson. 

As he shimmied through the window and practically flopped face first onto the floor, Eddie had to admit, even though he was no stranger to climbing into places he wasn’t supposed to, that it looked a hell of a lot smoother when Steve did it. Even when he usually finished it all off with that broad, goofy smile of his. 

Standing, he hissed in a sharp breath, hand going immediately to the sudden sting in his side. The feeling wasn’t quite as intense as the pain he’d been feeling since Spring Break every time he so much as twisted slightly out of place, but still, it hurt like a bitch. A reminder that the bats had done a number on Steve, too, as much as he put on a brave face that seemed to say otherwise. 

At the thought of Steve, Eddie’s eyes darted anxiously to the bed, well aware that he hadn’t exactly made a quiet entry. If he was, as he hoped, about to come face-to-face with Steve in his body, Eddie didn’t want to startle him even more than their bizarre situation already called for. Especially not before they at least had a chance to talk, sort things through. Steve might not have had his nail bat on hand, but Eddie had no doubt he would come up swinging if he thought he was dealing with a home invader or some sudden new nastiness from the Upside Down. 

Making his way further into the room with slow, cautious steps, Eddie peered down at the mattress.

Beneath a cloud of unruly dark hair and twisted up in the sheets, that was unmistakably his body sprawled out fast asleep, chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm with each and every soft snore. 

Eddie felt his own–Steve’s–heart rate speed up, that same sense of out-of-body dizziness hitting him like a Mack truck. 

Christ, this was fucking trippy.  

Hesitantly, Eddie reached out and poked the sleeping body in the side. 

“Steve? Hey, Stevie?” Eddie whispered, voice sliding into a bit of a sing-song as he gave his–Steve’s?–shoulder a more insistent shake. “Time to wake up, man. Come on, please tell me that’s you.”

At first, the only response he received was a few disgruntled noises–even words, maybe, though they were too sleep-addled to make any sense. Then, brown eyes Eddie had only ever seen reflected back at him from the mirror blinked sluggishly up at him. 

He could see the exact moment the penny dropped, his own face struck suddenly with a bewildered sort of horror.

“Oh my God,” his double started, the words slow and drowsy at first. They became increasingly alert with repetition, however, as he jerked away from Eddie and scrambled backwards, hitting the wall hard. “Oh my God, oh my God?!”

Eddie slapped a hand quickly over his mouth, before he could work himself up into what was clearly going to be a full-bore shout that would wake the entire house. 

“Whoa, whoa, hey! Look, man, don’t scream, okay? It’s–it’s me. It’s Eddie.”

Tilting his head forward, Eddie tried to hit what-he-hoped-was-Steve with his most soothing but imploring look, willing him to trust what he was saying enough to calm down. 

Knocking away the hand clamped down on his mouth–he really could be strong when he wanted to be–his doppelganger spluttered, “That’s–what the hell is–you're not Eddie! You're…me?!" 

Well, that answered that question, at least. 

"Steve?" Eddie breathed out a sigh of relief, bracing an arm over his face as his head slumped back for a second, not sure what he would have done otherwise. "Thank fuck, dude, I was worried–I mean, I don't know what I thought, but–" 

His rambling was cut off when Steve hooked a leg around his side, flipping Eddie onto his back until he was trapped underneath him. And, oh, right, this was a good time to remember his initial fear–that Steve was dangerous, of the monster hunting variety at least, and the flash in Eddie's borrowed eyes was saying as much. 

Of all the ways Eddie had envisioned Steve finally pinning him to the mattress, this was definitely not one of them. 

The sudden onslaught of sensations bombarded him. Because it was Eddie's own body pushing him down into the sheets, but now with the confirmation he felt like he could see a trace of Steve peeking out beneath his features. There was a hard steeliness to his expression and the way he clenched his jaw, that was all serious business Steve, exactly the way he’d been every time they’d had to march off into the Upside Down for battle. And besides, it was still his and Steve's bodies pressed together, and Eddie was hardwired in such a way that his heart couldn't help but race a little, even involuntarily, at the prospect. 

"Okay, seriously, what kind of weird Vecna shit is this?" Steve demanded. 

The glint in his eyes, panicked and wild, was familiar too, and not just because he was currently staring out of Eddie’s own face. It brought Eddie back to that first night, after–after Chrissy, when Steve and the others had all come searching for him, and Eddie, in his frazzled state, had repaid that kindness with a sharp bottle’s edge to the throat. That caged in look Steve had shot him when his back was slammed into the wall–that was the same look he was giving him now. 

“G-Getting me back for pulling that broken bottle on you after all,” Eddie managed to stammer out, still winded from where the tackle had knocked the breath out of him, “aren’t ya, big boy?”

The strangeness of the words was enough to send a jolt through Steve, who froze on top of him. His eyebrows drew together, face screwing up in a familiar–and, usually adorable–look of confusion. 

“Eds?” Steve asked, voice pitching higher in his agitation. 

“Yeah, man,” Eddie nodded frantically, meeting Steve’s eyes dead on, hoping to find some spark of recognition, “I so solemnly vow it and everything. It’s really me.” 

Steve visibly softened, the corners of his mouth pinching with concern even as he seemed no less alarmed than before.

“God, Eddie. Sorry,” he gasped, his vice grip on his own yellow sweater loosening as he finally rolled off of Eddie, “sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Eddie reassured him automatically, pushing himself into a sitting position.

And then they just…stared at each other for a long, tense moment. Steve appeared every bit as dumbfounded as Eddie felt, and his mind went careening again as he realized that the glassy, wide-eyed expression peering back at him was probably exactly what he did look like, any and every time he’d been stunned into silence. 

“This is crazy, this is fucking crazy,” Steve murmured, one hand flying up to rake through his hair, a dead-giveaway nervous tic. “I mean, like–how the hell do you look like me?”

The words had barely left Steve’s mouth before his lips dropped open in surprise, face stricken as he attempted to run his hand through those infamous locks and his fingers just…kept on going, tangling in the wild mane that was Eddie’s hair. Steve tugged the dark strands out where he could see them, blinking like he had suddenly grown an extra appendage–which, all things considered, Eddie guessed wasn’t too far off the mark. 

“Yeah, so, uh,” Eddie rubbed a hand over his neck, ducking his head before shooting Steve a wide, sheepish smile, “…about that…”

After grabbing onto fistfuls of Eddie’s hair with both hands, Steve had jerked his arms out in front of him, the glint of Eddie’s rings dancing even in the lowlight as Steve waved his fingers. 

“Eddie…is this–seriously, am I–?”

“In my body? Ding ding ding,” Eddie flicked his finger, quick like he was ringing an imaginary bell, “Got it in one, Harrington.” 

Steve blinked at him, for all the world seeming like he was hanging onto his last thread of hope that this was really all just some elaborate prank, that Dustin and the kids were going to jump out any second and exclaim, Gotcha, Harrington! You should have seen the look on your face, totally priceless.

“Don’t believe me?” Eddie jerked a thumb towards the mirror. “See for yourself, man.” 

All but catapulting himself off the bed, Steve went rigid the second he caught sight of his reflection, shocked into a frozen sort of stillness. 

Eddie, by contrast, ambled along after him at a much more leisurely pace. He’d already seen it, after all, though it stayed totally mind-boggling when he settled with his shoulder brushing up against Steve’s and the image reflected back at them appeared completely reversed.

Turning his head from side-to-side, Steve gently traced a finger over the scar now marring Eddie's cheek. Self-consciousness rippled through Eddie like waves.

“You have got to be shitting me,” he muttered, sounding vaguely faint. 

Eddie gave their reflections the Vulcan salute. In the mirror, Steve’s fingers parted accordingly, yet another bonus confirmation that this was, in fact, actually happening. 

“Pretty fucking freaky, right?”

Steve’s eyes were still wide, owlish, as he tracked the motion, transparently shaken up. He didn’t even offer Eddie some bitchy quip about doing his “nerd shit” in Steve’s body. 

(Then again, maybe Steve had the self-awareness to know how rich that would be, coming from him. After all, Eddie had seen his and Dustin’s secret handshake first hand.) 

“That might be the understatement of the year, Munson.” Steve settled one hand on his hip, a stance Eddie automatically thought of as signalling him going into babysitter, let’s-think-this-through mode, and, okay, that really was weird as fuck to see. “I mean, how does something like this even happen?”

“Search me,” Eddie shrugged, falling backwards until he was sitting on the end of his bed again, “I just–fucking woke up like this. I’ll admit, I didn’t think through all that much before I was hauling ass over here to make sure you were, you know…actually you. Plus, I figured…you’re one of the resident Upside Down experts, right? You’ve got a way better shot at knowing what’s going on than I do. Has anything like this ever, I don’t know…happened before?”

“What, you mean like…switching bodies? Uh, yeah, no, I don’t think so, dude.” Steve’s voice wavered into it’s usual no duh tone, except…except it was Eddie’s voice he was using, and, Jesus Christ, this was turning into such a head trip. 

Eddie’s knee was jiggling again, up and down, a fresh surge of agitation making his movements jerky. Some part of him, deep down, had been holding on tight to the reassurance that Steve would somehow know what to do. It was becoming clear, however, that Steve was every bit as clueless about what was going on as he was. 

Standing, he paced over and threw open the window he’d just come in through even wider. Then, Eddie took out that final cigarette he had shoved into Steve’s pocket for safekeeping, leaned towards the fresh air, and lit up.

“I quit,” Steve grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest defensively.

Eddie barked out a strained laugh.

“Congratulations, you started again!” he threw his hands into the air–big, loud, bombastic, the way he always got when he felt cornered. 

At Steve’s withering glare, though, he dropped them, shrinking in on himself as he yanked the cigarette apologetically from his mouth. 

“Fuck, sorry, dude, that was–shitty of me. I’m just…freaking the fuck out, you know?” 

Steve sighed, rubbing a hand over his chin. “Believe me, I know.” 

Approaching in several quick steps, he plucked the cigarette from Eddie’s fingers and leaned up against the wall to face him, taking a long drag. 

“If I’m back to smoking, I might as well actually get to enjoy it, yeah?” 

“I really am sorry, Steve,” Eddie repeated, this time less frazzled and more sheepish, sincere. “If you want, I’ll stop, just say the word. Promise.” 

Steve shrugged. “It’s okay. I mean, I get it. This definitely counts as, uh…a high stress situation.” 

“You’re goddamn right it does.” Eddie’s lips quirked into a teasing smile, hoping to alleviate a little of the tension in the room. “But, uh…at least no one’s gonna accuse me of being a cult leader this time around, right? Not when I’m wearing your pretty face.” 

Steve laughed, shaking his head, which Eddie counted as a victory. 

“Sure, yeah. There’s that at least, I guess. Not like we haven’t been through way worse. Whatever this is, I’m pretty sure it’s not some kind of life-or-death, world-ending threat. Although, now that I say that–” his nose crinkled, “I’m not sure if that’s better, or worse.” 

“What, that that’s what it takes to register on the Steve Harrington Richter scale of actual problems? That definitely sounds worse to me, man, knowing that’s where we’re at with this kind of shit.” 

Though he hummed his agreement, Steve also said, “It’s gotten me this far.”

“Yeah, you got me there.”

Still, Eddie couldn’t help but gnaw at his bottom lip, screwing his eyes shut for a moment, like he could will the situation away if he just couldn’t see it. 

“Hey,” Steve reached out, clamping a hand down onto his shoulder and giving it a squeeze. And even though when Eddie glanced up it was his own face staring back at him, Steve’s kindness, caring and comforting, shined out, unmistakable in the warmth of his eyes and the softness of his voice. “We’re okay. We’re gonna be okay, Eddie.”

Eddie sucked in a sharp breath and nodded, sending Steve a tentative, crooked smile in return.

After that, they lapsed into silence, several long moments ticking by as they passed the cigarette back and forth between them. But it was a comfortable one, now, the tense atmosphere in the room having popped. 

Steve was right. They had each other, and that’s all they had needed before to get them through problems far more hellish than this. 

“Ah, shit,” Steve groaned suddenly, rubbing his fingers over his brow and shooting Eddie an apologetic look, “it’s Sunday.”

“Yeah…” Eddie trailed off slowly, waiting for the revelation to kick in. “Care to share with the class here, Harrington?”

“And I promised the squirts I’d give them a ride to the arcade today.”

“Oh, shit. You could, uh…tell them you're sick?” Eddie offered. 

At the moment, he wasn’t entirely sure he was ready to rule out using that excuse to write the entire thing off anyway. Maybe this was all just some kind of fever-induced hallucination from a 24 hour head cold he was currently sleeping off, and he’d wake up tomorrow and get to laugh about how ridiculous it was with Steve when he told him.

“You wanna be the one to break that to Henderson? Cuz, right now, you’re the one who has to do it, what with the whole…voice thing we’ve got going on,” Steve tapped his throat in reminder. “And you know what a pain in the ass that kid can be when he wants to be. Besides, I mean…it’s not like I can’t take them. Technically, there’s not actually anything physically wrong. At least, not in that way.”

Eddie couldn’t exactly argue with that. 

“Do you…fuck, man, do you think we should tell them?”

“No. No,” Steve said before the words had even barely left Eddie’s mouth, the corners of his lips turning down into a contemplative frown. 

He’d been herding the little hellions around so long, Eddie was pretty sure “no” was his automatic first response to any question posed. So he waited Steve out, to see what he actually had to say. 

“I mean, I don’t think so. Not yet, at least. Like we said, it’s not like whatever’s going on seems that serious. Weird, sure, but…not freaky enough to call for backup, or anything. Plus, you know what those kids get like when there’s a problem to solve, and we wouldn’t want to freak them out over nothing. Right?”

Eddie tilted his head back and forth, mulling the question over. “Right, yeah. Makes sense, I think, to keep it under our hats for now.” 

Reaching over, he gave Steve’s knee a quick pat. 

“Well, come on then, big boy. Looks like we’re both back on babysitting duty.” 

Eyes squinting, Steve studied him for a moment, expression calculated. “You know, technically, my face is the only one they’re expecting to see today…”

“Yeah, but it’s your day. Don’t flake out on me now, Harrington. Do I look responsible enough to be a single dad?”

Steve gave Eddie a quick once over, no doubt about to make some wry comment on his newly acquired boy-next-door persona. Evidently, whatever he saw stopped him short instead.

“Come on, dude, seriously? The same jeans I had on yesterday? And did you even try to do my hair?” Steve complained, tugging on a strand of it, lip curling in a look that was only a shade or two away from disgust. 

Eddie couldn’t fight back the laugh that burst out of him at the display, feeling a surge of triumph at just how well he knew Steve.

“Now, tell me, Stevie, how did I fucking know that’s what you were gonna say?”

“And yet, you did it anyway.” Steve raised his eyebrows at Eddie, lips pursed in accusation. 

“You’ve gotta be joking, no way in hell this is your top priority right now.”

One hand still perched on his hip, Steve made an expansive gesture to encompass the both of them. “Not like there’s much else we can exactly do at the moment, yeah? So, might as well be this as anything.” 

Eddie snickered again, shaking his head as he climbed over his bed to get to the dresser. “You’re unbelievable, man.”

Much like his own process getting dressed that morning, Eddie yanked out basically the first t-shirt he came across and handed it over to Steve. 

“So, what, you get to dress me, but I didn’t get to dress you?” Steve let out a noise that sounded suspiciously like a raspberry, still disgruntled and letting it be known. “How is that fair?”

“Blame your body’s internal clock. It woke me up first, for once.”

Steve glanced at the shirt he was currently wearing–from a Dio concert, black and worn soft, which Eddie had shrugged on right before bed–to the dark Metallica tee currently clutched in his hand and back again, looking like whatever he desperately wanted to say was right on the tip of his tongue. 

“Not a word out of you, Harrington,” Eddie warned, tossing a pair of black, ripped jeans directly at his chest. Steve caught them one handed, because, of course he did. “So, yeah, maybe I’ve got a personal style. So what? You’re one to talk.”

Steve held up his hands in surrender. “Hey, I didn’t say anything.” 

“Oh, but you were thinking it. I’d recognize the trademark judgmental Harrington stare anywhere, even when it is on my own face.”

Steve huffed, rolling his eyes. “There is no stare.” 

“Just keep telling yourself that, Stevie boy.”

When Steve reached up to begin tugging at the collar of Eddie’s shirt, Eddie couldn’t help but ask, “You, uh…need some privacy, man?”

Sure, they were friends, good friends these days, and Eddie could guess based on everything he’d heard about the boys’ locker that, during the years Steve spent as Hawkins High’s number one athlete, he’d been no stranger to stripping down in front of a bunch of other jocks. Still, Eddie was always a little…cautious about changing around other guys. Careful not to let his eyes linger too long, avoiding doing anything that might make a potentially straight dude uncomfortable and get Eddie himself socked for his trouble. Not that he actually thought Steve would react even remotely like that, but…he still didn’t want to run even the smallest risk of souring things between them, not if he could help it. 

“I mean,” Steve swept a hand downwards, gesturing to himself–to Eddie, technically, “it’s your body, right? Not like there’s anything you haven’t seen before.”

He had a point there, and Eddie had to admit it had been a bit dipshitted of him to forget. But while Eddie obviously knew what he actually looked like hidden away beneath his clothes, he was smacked with the realization that…Steve didn’t.

Sure, there had been that period after the Spring Break from hell, when Steve had taken to playing nursemaid. He’d gotten more than his fair share of eyefuls then. But Eddie had been mostly bandages and still raw wounds, too recent to tell how they would shape up over the course of the recovery process. 

Eddie could answer that question with ease now–not great. Once Steve pulled off his shirt, he would see the scars Eddie had tried so painstakingly to keep covered up since those first few weeks of recovery. See just how much of him hadn't healed, the patches of ugly, gnarled skin that stretched across his stomach and up to his chest.

It made Eddie's stomach flip to imagine. In all likelihood he didn’t have a shot in hell with Steve anyway, but still he really didn't need him to see just how fucked up he still was.

Something about the way he stilled must have given him away, because suddenly Steve’s expression twisted in sympathy, hand dropping away from his collar.

"Hey, don't do that," he chided.

"Do what?" Eddie asked, dodging that knowing gaze as he feigned ignorance.

Before he even fully registered what was happening, Steve had tugged up the hem of the sweater Eddie was currently wearing.

"So, do you think less of me now because of those?" he asked, brown eyes wide and so serious they bordered on stern as he pointed to the faint scars spidering up his sides.

"What?" Eddie spluttered, shaking his head. "Fuck no. Of course not, what kind of dick would I be if I–"

Crossing his arms over his chest, Steve cocked an eyebrow at him, totally unimpressed. 

“What, so you think I'm the kind of asshole who would care? That I would look at this–” Jerking up the black fabric of the Dio t-shirt, he gestured down to Eddie’s stomach, "and think about anything except how brave–and stupid, by the way, like…Henderson levels of mind-blowingly stupid–you were?"

"I–" 

Any argument Eddie might have had died in his throat. He ducked his head for a moment, feeling somewhat ashamed. 

"No, man. No, of course I don't.” 

“Good,” Steve said with a nod, his tone brooking no arguments. “Because I’d like to think you know me better than that by now, Munson. Well enough to know that I don’t. I wouldn’t.” 

“Yeah. Yeah, I do,” Eddie gnawed at his bottom lip. “I know. I know that. It wasn’t about you, dude, I just–"

"Felt weird about it. Believe me, I get it," Steve placed a hand on Eddie's shoulder, forcing him to look at him. "But you don't–I don't know. Have to worry that I'm over here, like…looking at your body and judging you, or something. Sure, you've got scars, I've got them too, but…honestly, you look good, man. You look…really good.” 

Steve trailed off, eyes still trained on the patch of Eddie’s exposed stomach, then he cleared his throat abruptly. “From, like, you know–the healing! You get what I mean, yeah? Yeah.”

Eddie’s brow furrowed, feeling mildly confused by his friend’s sudden harried manner. Still, Steve’s words had been enough to buoy him with a renewed sense of assurance, so he agreed easily. “Sure, Steve, I think so.”

Steve clapped him on the shoulder again, seeming relieved. “Great. That’s…great.” 

He made quick work of shucking off Eddie’s top, then. When Steve’s eyes dropped down to his chest, he paused for a moment, long enough for a trickle of dread to drip down Eddie’s spine. Sure, he might have said it was fine, but seeing it was a whole other–

“...You’ve got a nipple piercing?”

“Oh,” Eddie let out a breath he hadn’t even realized he’d been holding, “yeah. Well, I started out with two originally, but obviously not much use for número dos without a second nipple, so.”

Hand trailing down in a way that seemed almost reflexive, Steve brushed curiously against one end of the silver bar, lips parting when he inhaled softly.

Eddie’s grin turned wicked. “I could get your nipples pierced while I’m in here, if you wanted. I know a guy.”

“Haha, very funny,” Steve pointed a warning finger at him. “Don’t you even think about it, Munson.”

“Just saying. Offer’s open, in case you change your mind.”

With a roll of his eyes, Steve hurriedly threw on the Metallica tee and jeans, then started herding Eddie towards the hallway.

“Let’s just get through this, huh?”

Dodging out of his grip, Eddie dipped into a low bow. “After you, my liege.”

With a shake of his head at Eddie’s antics, Steve sighed. “Here goes nothing.”

Then he shouldered his way through the screen door and out onto the porch, the pair of them stepping into the early morning sunlight, ready to greet this seriously strange Sunday together.

Part 3

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[idontlikeem]

i'd like to talk about grieving, a little bit. as in the past, discussions of death and cancer below the cut, don't read if this will hurt you, etc....i'm having a bad day and i just need to stream of consciousness for a little bit. sorry.

so my mom died. if you've read my personal posts before or whatever, you probably figured that out. it happened on thursday february 15th around noon. luckily we had a bit of notice that it was coming, so i was able to drive down the saturday prior and spend time with her—three full days where she was pretty much still herself, and part of a fourth.

it's been a really hard month. like, obviously. but i think a part of me still wasn't quite ready for it. i don't know how.

my mom was first diagnosed with breast cancer in fall 2011. she had a mastectomy and went through chemo, and that was hard and scary, but it was i think technically considered stage one—a tumor that was definitely growing fast, but it hadn't spread out of the area, like not to her lymph nodes or anything, and with the treatment she went almost ten years totally symptom-free. right at the start of the pandemic, the cancer came back, but this time it was already stage four, and it was in her abdomen and uterus and intestines.

there was a time when we weren't sure she'd live more than a year. endometrial and other reproductive cancers aren't 'sexy' like breast cancer is, they're not widely studied and there aren't a lot of treatment options. when she had breast cancer i hated 'save the boobies' campaigns (and please never donate to susan komen), but now that my family has lived with another type of cancer that doesn't have tits as a draw, i hate them even more.

my mom made it four years, pretty much, since the first diagnosis. she did chemo, and radiation, and went on medication trials, and put her body through hell to try and fight it. she lived longer than i think any of us thought she would.

the problem with that is how long i've been existing in a state of grief.

i've had years to prepare for this. i've thought about it literally thousands of times—how i'd feel, how i'd tell people, what i'd do after. i pictured it, because i was trying to plan. i was trying to get myself ready.

turns out pre-grieving isn't real. turns out you can't get this pain out of the way by experiencing it in advance. much to my chagrin. i'm not sure there was a way to avoid it, though. so here i am, with four years of grief behind me, and not one second of it has made what's going on now any easier.

some days i forget. every time i'm on twitter or instagram, there are posts i want to send her, and then i don't know what to do with myself. for all that my relationship with her had its hard times, she was my mom, she was my best friend. i love her more than anything and i don't know what to do with myself now that she's gone.

i've been sort of just surviving for the last four weeks. my apartment is a mess, i'm barely leaving, i haven't been good at responding to people. so today i thought i'd at least clean up a little. i'd gone to target a day or two before i drove down to my parents', and i figured i would start with those bags, because they were just sitting there.

i'd forgotten that i bought valentine's day cards for my whole family that i wanted to send. one for each of my brothers, one for my dad, one for my mom. i never sent them, obviously, i didn't even bring them with me. i burst into tears when i pulled them out of the bag, and i've been crying pretty much all day since then. i'm never going to pick out a card for my mom ever again.

i also have a notes app file sitting on my phone. she wrote each of us letters, and my dad sent them out to us, but i haven't been able to open mine yet. it's the last new thing she'll ever say to me. how could i possibly be ready for that? how do i know when the right time to read that will be?

one thing my mom wanted was to die at home. she didn't want it to be in a hospital, and i get it. she spent a month in the hospital after christmas, and god knows how much time cumulatively over the last four years. the fact that she was able to push to get home is something i don't understand, because she was so sick—but she did it somehow. she was able to die in her bed.

and i was with her. like. i wasn't just at home, i was with her.

something they don't tell you about having someone die is you have to start arranging stuff before it actually happens. when we woke up on the 15th, we knew it was only a matter of time—her eyes weren't all the way open and her breath was labored, and she couldn't talk, although at first she still tried to say stuff. we sat there with her and kept her company and talked to her. hospice came by around 11 or 11:30, i don't even remember, and said that based on whatever measurements or readings they take (pupils? breathing? i don't know), it would be between 4-8 hours, and he recommended that my dad call the funeral home. because you have to do that first.

so my youngest brother was driving down from where he lives, my middle brother was in his room, my dad was in his room on the phone, and i stayed with her, because....well, of course, right? and i was just kind of talking, and crying, but trying not to...i don't know, beg her to stay? ask for more time? the nurse said she could still hear, they're pretty sure that hearing and understanding what's being said is the last thing to go, and i didn't want her to feel bad or guilty, or to hurt herself in an effort to stay longer even though there's nothing more that i've ever wanted in my life.

so i told her, you know, we'll be okay. it's going to be unbearably sad, and it's going to suck, but all the stuff we did as a family with her—we'll still do it. and we'll be okay. and there's nothing more important to us than her not hurting anymore, not being miserable and stuck and just...not herself. all that matters to us right now is her, and she didn't have to worry about us, because we'd be okay.

and she took in a breath. there was a pause. she took in another one. and she stopped. that was it.

i didn't even realize at first, not right the second it happened. the hospice booklet had talked about a 'death rattle', about how it happens almost all the time, but that it's more distressing for the people with the person dying than them, that they're not in pain. how the fuck would they know that, i'm not sure i believe it, but...it's what i was expecting. that didn't happen, though. she just stopped breathing.

the amount of guilt i felt for my dad being out of the room...i don't know if that will ever leave me. he said it was ok, because he was having to deal with stuff, and he'd spent a lot of time with her and it was fine, but jesus. how do i not feel like i stole that from him?

i've felt like a shell ever since. i'm back where i live, and i'm getting up and going to work and taking care of my dog and trying to stay connected to life, but...i don't know.

how is it that she's gone? how is this possible? how am i supposed to go the rest of my life without her?

i had four years to get ready for this, and i wasn't. i don't think there's any way i really could have been, but still. it doesn't seem fair that it was so hard for so long, and for NOTHING. nothing is easier now.

i'm sick of feeling sad, and hurt. i feel like i should be over it or something? i don't know, maybe just less actively affected? it's been a month. people's parents die all the time, right?

what am i supposed to do?

[lopez-richter-fangirl]

Starkid innit: the most magical experience

It took me a full day to even begin to know where to start with this post and then took me all day yesterday to type out. Normally to do one of these posts after a show I frantically note down everything I can remember in the interval and as soon as I can afterwards, but I was too overwhelmed by this show to even do that. And thank god so many people filmed so much of the show so I don’t have to rely on memory for all the little things. This will be kind of stream of consciousness thought dump of everything that made this experience so incredible, feat. a lot of Feelings. It’s much too long! Over 2500 words - you’ve been warned!

Looking at all the pictures and videos from the show, it feels surreal that I was there in a way that I don’t think any other shows I’ve gone to have. Maybe because I can’t believe we finally got a full UK Starkid show. Maybe because it was Starkid selling out the fucking London Palladium, twice (and the added production value that came with that). Maybe because we got the concert premiere of new stuff alongside iconic moments included from previous concerts that I’ve watched a hundred times and now got to see live. Whatever it was, I still can’t quite believe it and I’m so grateful I got to be there. And my GOD was luck on my side getting a front row centre seat in that ticket hell 🙏😭

Right from the staple sing-along outside the theatre before the show the excitement was as palpable as you’d expect from a crowd where so many people had been waiting such a long time to see these people live. And I think a lot of Starkid fans but especially international fans have had the feeling of isolation that comes with being a fan of a relatively “niche” group (though their popularity is only growing), so to get to be in a room full of people who understand the references and scream as soon as the opening notes of a song play is the best thing

Starting with tgwdlm feels like an excellent choice being from the show that created a new wave of fans while still catching some of the people who might not be caught up with the newest shows. And I know we had it at jangle ball too but love love getting to see Brian and Meredith be part of the hatchetfield stuff

And having NPMD songs performed live for the first time was just as exciting and special as I was expecting!! Was not expecting HSIKM WITH some OG choreo but I am grateful for it. Jaime messing up the Literal Monster lyrics at the matinee is 100% understandable and I thank her for that because Lauren cracking up at the complete nonsense lyrics she made up was too good. Love the OG choreo there including Lauren grabbing Joey for no reason whatsoever 😌 Slay of Lauren to bring out the Ruth voice too. Jeff gave a killer performance of NPMD and we understood the assignment with the Richie part

And Together 😭 TOGETHER 😭😭 I said that was a song I’d absolutely love but was definitely not at all expecting them to play so I got UNBELIEVABLY excited seeing it on Mere’s playlist and it was EVEN better than I imagined 😭 Angelic!!!! I love women!!!! Seeing their friendship shine through on stage is so special and Lauren supporting Mere through the lyric mess up in the matinee and also her laugh were the cutest things. And then from the front row at the evening show I don’t think I even breathed. They sounded amazing in the OG show but EVEN better now and I truly could not be more grateful to them for putting that on the setlist. A literal dream that I will be thinking about for the rest of my life. I still can’t believe it. AHHHHHH!!!!!!

Happy we got Our Doors are Open cause I love that song!

Jaime singing Harry but dedicated to Nori was very cute and making that a flashlight moment is one of the sillier things we’ve done

So glad Clark got his moment with I Was where we all sat in enraptured silence listening to his magical voice and some never before heard lyrics

I will be so honest and say there was the tiiiiiiiiiniest part of me sad when Joey started introducing Sidekick because I knew that meant my Status Quo hopes were dashed. However had I not seen it at homecoming I probably would have been rooting for Sidekick because it is the better *performance* for Joey, he absolutely owns the stage and it was still a delight to hear it again, and with his continued vocal improvement. Audience participation on point too of course. And when I saw Lauren standing in the wings before he started I knew I could not let myself keep looking over there but shoutout to everyone who did get footage of her being the proudest wife there is

Oh lordddd the Rogues Medley update we’ve been praying for (even if not in the way I expected). I had a feeling that’s what was coming when they started Not Over Yet based on the interview Brian did but to hear that transition into Feast or Famine was crazyyyyyy. Rogues Medley is such an iconic piece of Starkid history and it’s so cool that they gave us that. Fucking of course Brian fucked up the verses in Not Over Yet but he is a master at styling it out and him making Lauren laugh with that song feels like time honoured tradition (okay I’m just thinking of that leaky 2017 performance). First Feast or Famine in concert was so good although Joey and Lauren leaning on each other at EVERY little duet bit… relax babes. And Rogues, I knew if we got it we’d have Lauren doing the harlots and the hussies bit and I still did not adequately prepare myself

Brian calling Meredith wifey in We Got Work to Do was gold. SO so so happy to hear climate change, they did that because I stopped myself from spending a stupid amount of money to go to jangle ball. Still obsessed with Lauren’s little riff. And her moves? HOT. And we LOVE Meredith’s music getting so much love as it SHOULD

The forgotten songs section was hilarious but could have been about 20% shorter Brian was not wrong about them milking that bit Biggest of shout outs to the person who yelled Boy Toy for Lauren to respond “don’t make me do that” and I believe the same person who yelled fucking Airport 4 Birds and had her momentarily stunned. Her rendition of Hideous Creatures was heavenly no joke. Brian doing his soundcheck song did not read so well at the matinee lmao but I personally thought it was perfect. And Lauren joked about the open vibe but genuinely I love that they were confident enough they could do some obscure songs and not have an absolutely dead audience. Can’t believe we got TWO MAMD songs although they really should have let Joey sing Even Though (I know it wouldn’t have been *funny* okay)

What did not need to be even one second shorter was the shirt bit. No notes. Especially Brian trolling Lauren with “roll on the floor like Draco”

Back on top was amazing, they all sounded so good and again, love to see the Ani music getting recognition. And at the evening show I was watching Lauren do the choreo in the wings which was absolutely adorable

What if I now write the entire length of this post just about Granger Danger lol. Didn’t even realise until this post that they had the two OG Starkid couples back to back (at least I’m going off the order of the setlist I saw on twitter I do not actually remember the order lmao) Their whole “brand new song” bit was everything to me, I really could watch them riff off each other for hours. And honestly it was the perfect thing to do KNOWING what the reaction would be to the two of them coming out because what fucking else would they be singing. Apart from the person who genuinely thought we were getting Priceless because they forgot Granger Danger existed, you know who you are. As in my other post, I had said I wouldn’t mind if, as long as I got to see one married Granger Danger live (which I then did), they stopped singing Granger Danger, but that was only if they were getting sick of it and on the condition they did in fact replace it with Priceless. But I will NEVER get sick of watching them do it (even if the heart eyes on stage continue to make me a little sick) and I love that they do still have fun with it. The universal excitement with those opening notes is the best thing. Continuing to say “it gets different” was funnier than it should have been, they are comedians. And how far back she leaned on him at that evening show was truly insane and I thank them for giving me one of my new favourite pics (even if Lauren laughing and Joey’s hand going back to make sure she wouldn’t fall made me want to sobbbbb). 15 years of this song and it’s still getting more iconic and you all know how deeply special it is to me and I’m so happy to have gotten to see it again. King and queen of Starkid for real for real

Corey Show Stoppin Number was CRAZY he killed it

Jaime’s speech before Not Alone was incredibly special and I think Darren would agree that the song actually ended up exactly where it needed to be. But her saying she’s been singing it for 15 years of course had me thinking about the same thing for granger danger which is absolutely not something I was emotionally strong enough for in that moment!!! But blessed to get the beautiful harmonies and as always the audience singing Darren’s parts is the best

Superfriends is ofc so fun and Jeff nailed the Robin parts (unlike someone else there might have done (sorry Joey)). And again, there’s something so nostalgic about seeing it with that classic choreo too

And mashing it up with WANNABE oh my god. I did see someone say they didn’t know why they did that song and I’m like,, do you know how to have fun?? I get it we’re there to hear Starkid songs but this isn’t like a once in a lifetime situation (love that performance but it was a song for them not the audience and they knew it lmao), it’s actually perfect for Starkid. “Friendship never ends” you’re fucking right it doesn’t, 15 years of making stuff with your friends. And I’m being so serious when I say it’s one of my favourite performances they’ve ever done. I also might never get it out of my head and I’m fine with that. The accents? The boys in the back? The dancing? Brian? And then Brian and Joey?? (and ofc the evening performance where Lauren was touching Joey after “if you wanna be my lover” and where he put his hand on her back as she was stepping up on the stage and I once again wanted to sob) It was JOYFUL

And then GBTH as the encore we all knew was coming because no way were they leaving without singing that one. Whatever some people might have to say about it, it is SUCH a special song to hear in a room full of Starkid fans, and especially this version where we sang the beginning. No doubt they couldn’t have imagined performing that song on a stage like this when they were singing it in Studio 1, but it’s so deserved because they’re all absolute superstars. And their friendship and the fun they have onstage together has remained so integral to what makes them work and it never gets any less special to witness. I love that after over a decade of singing this song they STILL get the words wrong and it doesn’t even matter because we’re singing it so loudly. I love the sheer power Lauren radiates every time she sings her part and her happiness when we scream ours. And then I watched her smile looking out at the audience during the train part and I’m just so proud we were part of making this show so incredible for them and proud of them for doing it 😭 Singing happy birthday to Jeff in the middle was really cute too

Also, can’t believe we got to witness the most INSANE shirt pic happen live??!!? A shirt pic in front of a crowd of 2000 people, I keep looking at it and I’m like how is that not photoshopped?? But it’s real!! I was there!! And it’s honestly the most Starkid move of all time to perform their sold out Palladium concerts in matching pyjama shirts. Ngl there was a tiny part of me that didn’t want the matching shirts because I wanted to see the Concert Fits but I didn’t even need to worry because Lauren still came to serve. Hottest girl I’ve ever seen but also just the cutest human. And her hair looked so good too. (Jaime was also serving with the sparkly tights and cowboy boots)

Clearly they’re such a well oiled machine and the show ran SO smoothly that they were ahead of schedule and ended up doing a little more vamping in the evening than at the matinee. Why they chose Together (Lauren and Meredith are “too old” to want solos), Clark’s explanation of I Was originally being a solo (thank god because I felt insane at the matinee thinking ‘I’ve never heard these lyrics before’), even more references to Brian’s lack of solos. But the fuck ups in spite of that rehearsal really are just part of the Starkid charm. We love it, they know we love it, there’s no pressure to make it perfect which means all of us are just having *fun* together. But none of that takes away from how genuinely talented each and every one of them is

I do also think there’s something to be said for Brian and Lauren being the producers. They’ve really been through it all with the company and they know what works and how to serve people’s strengths. And of course we can trust Clark to put together an incredible setlist (yes there was a distinct lack of certain shows but I do think all the songs they did were a really good showcase for them and everyone had an opportunity to shine)

And Lauren of COURSE nailed the choreo for the whole show, it would be impossible for her not to. Honestly cannot reiterate enough how much of a queen she was in every aspect of this show. So fucking proud of her!!!!!!!!!!

And because this post wouldn’t be complete without mention of the M&G, Joey remembering my nameeee bearing in mind this is only the second time I’ve met him in person where he’d actually know me and yes the first time was only 7 months ago but I still don’t know how he recognised me there either. He seemed so proud to remember it too. And I knowww it’s not special to me he just has a good memory for that but the fact is he DOES make you feel special and I love him!! The best man. And I’m glad I got to give them the bracelets I made, Lauren’s reaction to seeing hers said precious angel was the sweetest and I really am trying to be normal about Joey only wearing the one from me (but it said Diane’s dad and was in michigan colours so… I think I nailed it) It was the sweetest thing seeing how many bracelets some of them were wearing during the show though

All this to say I fucking love Starkid and I love the community they’ve created. As soon as I saw the crowd outside the theatre (which was phenomenal!!) I knew it was just gonna be one of those days it was too overwhelming to talk to many people and while the people I did talk to were lovely I think I gave out a grand total of 8 bracelets which is my second biggest regret. But @pazazzalil and @laurenlpz, meeting up with you was like being with old friends even though we hadn’t met in person in 5/6 years. Love you both (and maybe we can actually get seats together next time)

And as one last little note, while it did feel extra special having people who have been with the company for all/the majority of these last 15 years, I have loved seeing the newer Starkids being so proud of their friends 🥺

I don’t know how I’m ever getting over this show. There was no way it was going to be bad with how highly anticipated a UK show was but it went way beyond my expectations. Pure magic. And I really do believe that after that it won’t be long before they’re back here, and I can’t wait

[pregnantseinfeld]

Stream of consciousness political rambling. Because this is not fully thought through I'm putting it under a read more.

Something that bothers me about the typical social democrat 'tax the rich' suggestion (not that I'm outright opposed) is that it would make the most sense in a scenario where the wealth of the owning class is derived from their own countries proletariat, right? If you cannot overthrow that class, then reforms that attempt to squeeze some of that wealth back out into programs that could benefit the working class isn't an entirely bad idea.

But in a country like the US (UK, Canada, etc.), where is the wealth of our ruling class actually derived? What percent exactly is our labor versus that of other countries? You can't just fold your arms and tell capitalists they really should pay their fair share everywhere they do business. That they don't have to do that is kind of the point of this whole imperialism thing. But it certainly feels like 'how do we treat the loot of empire?' isn't being interrogated enough.

And I can already hear "Why talk reforms?! Tear it all down!" As much as I hate the way -progressive- liberals pull the covers up over themselves and mutter "But today isn't the revolution..." every morning to excuse their sloth, most of us know by now we can't will a revolution into being. So how do we reckon with all this if we're still attempting to engage with politics outside of the revolutionary moment?

And all types of chauvinists that don't like difficult questions will paint this as 'guilt' of course. But do we stand for anything at all if we don't have international solidarity? Can those who desire to get back that slashed welfare at any price actually call themselves Marxists? I'm reminded of how Marx and Engels talked of the English unions, or even Lenin on economism, etc... But it's so especially rotten here since, well, haven't you just wound up a Keynesian if your aim is reliving unsustainable post-war capitalist glory days?

On the one hand its dishonest to go about our business pretending none of this matters, but on the other "American lives (under the current order) should not get better" is not a political position with any legs here, for obvious reasons. It's tougher than the banana discourse because there you only had to put cheap year-round bananas on one side of the scale and all the rewards that could only be gained from liberation in the third world and the victory of the working class on the other and the banana defenders look super silly. But outside those hypotheticals, when we are organizing here and now, how does this factor in? Can it? AM I just moralizing over everything being blood money? Am I up my own ass?

So I'm left just bitterly rubbing my chin about it, like this is a crossword that I'm definitely going to figure out by myself if I ponder long enough.

[homestuckreplay]

garden on my gnostic til i [post title pending]

(page 169)

gardenGnostic is BACK!!!! They definitely feel like a character who's set up to be mysterious and to make the audience want to see more of, and it's definitely working. We get confirmation that they sent the green package, which brings up a new question: John has gifts from two of his three chums, so why hasn't TT sent him anything? Is there a chance she will be able to send him a gift via Sburb?

GG doesn't know what Sburb is, which is curious. We know it's a highly publicized, long awaited game touted by journalists as the 'Game of the Year'. GG must be terminally offline, or into REALLY obscure stuff, to have not even heard of it. I have this theory that each of the chums is going to be associated with a different type of media - John is visual/screen media (movies and video games), TT will be print media (books both fiction and nonfiction, judging by the way she talks), TG will be audio media (music and perhaps podcasts judging by the 'tech' in his screen name and the fact that he likes to be 'cool' and perhaps on the cutting edge of new mediums). And GG will be... ???? They're an absolute missing link, and we don't know enough to pin them down, but I feel like learning more about them is the key to fully understanding the whole group.

A possible explosion outside GG's house is weird, but the way they talk about it is even weirder - 'whoa what was that?????' as though they expected John to hear it too. I don't think they're neighbors, otherwise why wouldn't GG deliver the package in person? It's possible they just have a very stream of consciousness talking style, but, it's more interesting to me to think that they genuinely thought John would have an answer. And also, we know that John has weird shit going on in his house right now, possibly loud noises as TT uproots the whole ass bathtub, so is it possible at all that GG is hearing sounds from John's house? Are they on a permanent voice call? Or is there a weirder explanation than that?

[starry-fantasies]

An Attempt to Clinically Analyze Sephiroth's Psychosis at Nibelheim

Sephiroth has fascinated me as a villain for a long time, but I’ve also struggled to “figure him out” for just as long. For all the simplicity of his villainous goals (i.e. become a god, destroy the world), it’s really the heart of his breakdown in Nibelheim that confounded me regarding his motives and the causal factors behind how he becomes what he becomes. I think Sephiroth's story can be interpreted in drastically different ways depending on how you see the explanations for his breakdown preceding the Nibelheim Incident. Not to mention, there’s the multiple retellings of the incident within the Compilation and the inconsistencies that come with it.

I’m still in the process of unraveling how to approach Sephiroth’s psychology, so this won’t be a regular analysis. Rather, this is mostly going to be a stream-of-consciousness type of piece, where I just let my thoughts flow. Definitely expect some stuff to sound rough or disjointed, and possibly some inaccurate facts due to my terrible memory (please let me know). Also, for the sake of the most updated canon, we will go with the Crisis Core version of events.

~Major FFVII and Crisis Core spoilers ahead~

Psychosis

Firstly, I want to address the clinical term that can describe what happened to Sephiroth at Nibelheim. I’ve heard people call it a mental breakdown or psychotic break, among other things. If we want to be consistent with the psychiatric language of the DSM-5, we would say that Sephiroth experienced the onset of a psychotic episode.

Psychotic episodes are a state of significant psychological disturbance that involves a loss of touch with shared reality. Historically, what we now know as psychotic episodes were once called madness or insanity. The duration of an episode affects what type of psychotic disorder would apply, but overall, psychosis can be either transient or continuous.

It’s hard to say which is the case for Sephiroth, specifically because of how his prognosis transforms pre- and post-Lifestream dip. Pre-Lifestream, it’s clear that he went into an abrupt and severe state of psychosis. Even though there were already warning signs prior to when he holed himself up in the Shinra mansion basement, Sephiroth’s behavior change still occurred in a short amount of time and marked a drastic change from the anguish and confusion he initially experienced upon first learning what Jenova is. He is experiencing a psychotic episode that marks a clear departure from his prior functioning.

Afterwards though, Sephiroth learns what Jenova truly is and makes a conscious decision to use its power and influence over the Lifestream for his own means. At this point, we can’t say that it’s a temporary condition. Not to mention, the question of how much Jenova is influencing Sephiroth also complicates how we understand Sephiroth’s psychology. At best, I would say that post-Lifestream Sephiroth is experiencing an ongoing psychotic disturbance.

Delusions

At the heart of Sephiroth’s turning point to villainy is a delusion, a fixed and false belief that is resistant to change even in the presence of contradictory evidence. Although I've seen it used a lot in casual contexts, delusions are in fact a clinical term for distorted beliefs. Essentially, delusions exist beyond reason and cannot be logically refuted. Delusions are a hallmark feature of psychosis, involving a resistance to the facts of reality that conflict with one’s beliefs.

There are several reasons that someone might develop a delusion. Obviously these reasons aren't always mutually exclusive, but I think what reason you attribute to Sephiroth's breakdown influences how you understand it.

Certain people are genetically predisposed to delusional thinking. Jenova. Injected in the womb. Supernatural prenatal development. Need I say more?

People come up with distorted ways of explaining the unexplainable. This is the type of thinking that is linked to an inclination for conspiracy theories. Sephiroth was searching for answers about his birth and origins, and with false, piecemeal information, he formed the erroneous conclusion that he was a Cetra. I wouldn't say this is the driving force behind his decision to burn down Nibelheim, but you can see the gateway to vengeance through this avenue.

People have trouble coping with life and preserving their self-esteem, therefore they use delusions to attempt to uphold it. This is the most sympathetic perspective, mainly because it boils Sephiroth down to the misunderstood savant that is mourning the loss of his self-worth. More on this later, since this is the angle I see portrayed most in Crisis Core.

People experience significant life stressors, such as low socioeconomic status, trauma, and drastic life changes that heavily influence how they perceive and understand the world. We could create a whole list of known or presumed "life stressors" in Sephiroth's life, but if we want to highlight a specific one, it would be the discovery of the Jenova Project files. It could be argued that it was deeply traumatizing to him, enough to rock his worldview.

Reasons aside, there are also several different types of delusions classified in the DSM-5. I think Sephiroth shows features of at least two types. You could say Sephiroth experienced a grandiose delusion, or what you might know as a delusion of grandeur. This is defined by the belief that one is extremely powerful or important. Sometimes it even takes on a religious bend, leading to the belief that one is omnipotent or holy. Sephiroth believed he was the last of the Cetra race, one that was more connected to and respectful of the planet compared to humanity. He was "the chosen one to rule this planet," someone exceptional and superior to everyone else.

You could also say that Sephiroth was experiencing a persecutory delusion. This is when someone believes he is "being conspired against, cheated, spied on, followed, poisoned, maliciously maligned, harassed, or obstructed in the pursuit of long-term goals." Sephiroth drew the conclusion that he had a duty to punish humanity for persecuting the ancient Cetra. He believed he had to pursue vengeance for Jenova and for Cetrakind. People with persecutory delusions tend to demonstrate significant anger and violent behavior, which also checks out with Sephiroth's subsequent decision to burn down Nibelheim.

Obviously, both the grandiose and persecutory delusions transform a bit when Sephiroth learns about Jenova's true nature as an extraterrestrial, not a Cetra. But that's a conversation for another time; remember, we're talking about the psychotic episode that became the gateway to Sephiroth's villainy. So, let's backtrack a bit and talk about how Crisis Core chose to lean into a sympathetic portrayal of Sephiroth's psychology.

Self-Concept

We still know very little about Sephiroth’s childhood and upbringing (although it looks like Ever Crisis may change that?), aside from several key facts. We know that he was born an experiment, having been injected with Jenova cells in the womb. We know he was essentially raised by Shinra and did not get to experience a normal childhood. He was known to be a prodigious fighter and was the reason that the SOLDIER program was created. As a teenager, he fought in the Wutai War and gained his status as a war hero.

This is all to say that though Sephiroth knew little of his childhood, he knew one thing for certain. He was a very good fighter, and a hero to Shinra. Sephiroth’s established self-concept revolves around this fact. He was likely praised and lauded for his wartime achievements, and even before then, we can presume that Shinra scientists noted him to be an exceptional fighter. He was the epitome of prestige and strength.

Let’s contrast that with the information he gains right before the Nibelheim Incident. When Sephiroth sees the monsters at the reactor and begins to question his connection to them, he began to mull over his identity and existence. Sephiroth knew he was unusual and exceptional even as a child, and he said so himself that he doesn't know what it was like to have parents or a hometown to speak of. Genesis then reinforces what Sephiroth feared, that he is a monster and a product of experimentation. He was told he was subhuman, repulsive, an abomination.

Sephiroth’s self-concept started as that of a prodigy, someone who is an extremely capable fighter. After the war in Wutai, he was labeled a war hero. Once he was led to believe that he was a monster, this shatters his worldview. He went from seeing himself as a prominent hero to seeing himself as subhuman. This is further driven by the fact that Sephiroth had already lacked answers about his origins and craved a sense of home, of parental warmth and connection. Because of this gap in his history, the premise that he was no more than a monster was eerily plausible. With his self-concept dramatically rocked, he was left starving for answers to what he is. This is what led him down the rabbit hole, seeking an explanation that would either tell him that he was not a monster, or that his initial self-concept can still be upheld somehow.

And thus, Sephiroth was in a vulnerable place where a grandiose or persecutory delusion can uphold his self-esteem and self-concept. If Jenova is truly the last of an ancient race, then Sephiroth is exceptional, not an abomination. If the Cetra had powers that humans didn't have, then Sephiroth was powerful, not just a monster. The delusion takes hold because it is something Sephiroth needed in order to preserve his worldview, his belief that he is special and important.

This is how Crisis Core gets you to sympathize with Sephiroth. He's painted as a lonely savant that lacked a home and a family, and so when he was told he was a monster, his self-concept was shattered and radically warped. In order for him to protect it, he needed to come up with a delusion that would uphold his understanding of the world. Sound familiar? I don't think it's a coincidence that Sephiroth's psychology here sounds parallel to Cloud's, especially since I've considered delusional disorder for them both.

It'll be a while before I gather enough thoughts to move onto how Sephiroth progressed from this state to his post-Lifestream-dip, Meteor-summoning, god-seeking self. But for now, I think this helps paint a picture of how I've been trying to conceptualize him.

[journalsouppe]

THE MINISH CAP!!!! Omg I love this game the art style is so cute. I wish we had more minish cap style game, the animation as well was so well done

The chuchu sticker is from CRFArtStore and the Little Link sticker sheet is from Tossed Leaf!

Writing typed below:

Rating: 9.3 Played: Su 2022 Rec'd by: Zeltik Port: Gamboy Advance SP

Comments:

Such a cute game it will def be a favorite

guy: why would you want this really ugly tiny shield

zelda: don't worry about it

zelda: hey link here's a gift that suits you perfectly

absolutely LOVE the bosses

zelda is so energetic i love her

i love the kinstones

the sword broke?? omg the minish might be in botw 2!!! (NO THEY WONT T-T-T-T-TT-T-T-T-T-T-T)

I really love how there are different minish depending on the region

business deku scrub is back!!

din, farore, and nayru???

lmao dampes back

wind palace was long and a little difficult

finished the kinstones and got the tingle trophy lmao

wind waker 2d art style! (bit)

picori sword -> four sword

anju is from mm....

tingle and bros JUMPSCARE ;-;

link in a vase <3

love vaati's adult design

CAPCOM?

love the SFX

post game!

why do the Ghini lick you

Summary This is my favorite 2D zelda game. The art, the bosses, the dungeons, the characters, everything is super charming. I had so much fun playing this game. This is one of the more unique zelda games, not just mechanic-wise, but for also adding a unique race. So unique, in fact, that they've never shown up again. It is definitely a big wish of mine that the minish make an appearance in TOTK. There's a ton of lore to explore with them. I also really how this game has nodes to OOT, MM, and WW, it feels nostalgic by all the familiar faces and quests. It also comes to no surprise, but to great please, to discover this game was developed by Capcom. Considering the amazing work done on Ace Attorney, it feels just right. From playing some of the other zelda games, such as ALBW, I had no real reason to completely grind the game, But the minish cap gave me much more reason to and with a higher reward. All in all, a great game about a boy teaming up with legendary creatures to save his friend. I hope in the future Nintendo makes more 2d zelda games and takes inspiration from the minish cap. This was basically stream of consciousness but still a very lovely game.

[nova-dracomon]

It’s my Vaguetype And I’ll Do What I Want With It

Originally posted on the Fictionkind Dreamwidth on April 6, 2024 In my last entry I talked about my Ga’Hoole owl type and how I experience it as a vaguetype. I’ve been meaning to make a companion piece about my dracomon x vaguetype, but I couldn’t get it to work for the longest time.

So this one is gonna be looser–more stream of consciousness on what I am currently exploring as a digimon – digivolution.

Primer for those not familiar with digimon

If you’re not familiar, digimon can evolve, but unlike Pokemon the evolutions are not a one-way street. They are capable of “de-digivolving” to a previous form for a number of reasons, but it’s usually something to do with taking damage/strain.

So the normal flow of forms go like this:

Baby > In-training > Rookie > Champion > Ultimate > Mega

Most digimon sit at an in-training or rookie level as their base form, but that’s not always the case. If a digimon acquires enough data they can digivolve and move up their base form a level with each level taking substantially more data. So champion and even ultimate level digimon can be seen running around the digiworld, though they are uncommon (especially the latter). However, humans super-charge everything and digimon partnered with them are the exception.

Digimon are extremely susceptible to the emotions and wishes of humans. When bonded to one, digivolution is supercharged and temporary evolutions to even the highest levels are possible. And that, depending on the partner of course, there would be a lot more room for diversity of forms. When the digital world isn't in danger of being torn apart, a lot of digimon species would live together in the same environment with similar life experiences and would be more likely to evolve into a smaller set of evolutions. If they evolved much at all, since again there's a lot of digimon that don't go far beyond the rookie or champion phase.

X-Digimon

Why do some digimon have an “x” after their name? It denotes that they were infected with the x-program, and were able to survive by mutating their code. This change also brings out any latent potential stored in their digicore and alters their appearance - making them stronger in the process. Depending on the amount of latent data, the change can be rather small, or significant. Some digimon are natural carriers of the x-antibody, without an original form to upgrade from, and do not have the x in their name.

Considering my other forms

I am confident in saying my base form is dracomon x – a rookie digimon. However, I also have strong noemata of being a holydramon (the creature in my avatar!) which is a mega.

My other forms…I’m not sure? I have some fleeting sensations and feelings, but these two were so strong, so obvious, that it’s weird now feeling like I’m stumbling around in the dark for my other forms. I must have had them – I had a human partner, I remember digivolving and I wouldn’t normally just skip right to a mega! So what were the others?

For the longest time I just assumed it was coredramon and wingdramon – both of which are the typical evolution path for a dracomon. I haven't ruled them out completely, but I'm also not making progress with them. I don't have a good way to word it, but like, before thinking about my champion form felt like looking at a blurry image that only got more blurry when you tried to look closely. By looking at other digimon options I feel like I'm starting to make progress and bring things into focus more.

This is the closest I've come to making a definitive list so far. The ultimate level (black dragon near the center) is the one I am the most up in the air about. Of course there’s a chance this form might not be a registered digimon, but I know so little about that form it's hard to tell. In the other forms I feel a lot more confident!

To start with, I mostly went off of phantom sensations and noemata. Like, I just felt like the champion forms were bipedal and the ultimate level had an association with flight + a metal component. Also, I felt the champion form was a dragon form, more feral temperament, and flight wasn't necessarily a defining feature like in the other forms, and I knew the general size/shape.

Thing is, this describes a lot of digimon.

And here is where my troubles begin!

What I've been doing this past couple weeks is looking through lists of digimon, sorting out the ones that might fit and trying them on. This includes learning about them/their personality/powers, trying out the form in the headspace and putting thought into what it would have felt like, as a digimon trapped in the human world, as that thing to see how much it makes sense.

I'm actually really comfortable with growlmon. I kept dismissing it because it didn't fly and the artwork for the x variant is off-putting to me. But I kept coming back to it and when I saw other artwork for it, gave it a chance and opened up to the idea of not every form having flight, I took to it really quickly.

Or, I felt that way one day and then the next immediately felt the exact opposite. I felt so strongly that a different digimon, raptordramon, was my champion form. It was bipedal, mechanical, feral and a natural carrier of the x-antibody. Also, it had flight, but I definitely felt more a pull towards it’s temperament. For comparison, here’s the descriptions from the wiki for both digimon:

“Growlmon X is a Demon Dragon Digimon and carrier of the X Antibody. Because it has accepted and contained the extraordinary power of the "Digital Hazard" within itself, and that its attack instinct as a Virus-species enhanced further, it will exhibit a ferocious nature where it is unable to control its overflowing power, changing its personality into one on a thin line with justice depending on how it grows up. However, Growlmon's power has clearly increased, and the blades on both of its elbows have enlarged even more, developing and causing plasma to appear when attacking the enemy.[2]”

“Raptordramon is a Cyborg Digimon and carrier of the X-Antibody. It transformed itself from a wild Digimon that possessed a predatory instinct into a basis for modifications in order to reliably bring down its targets. Because the ferocious nature it possesses is too strong for its organic body to bear, it remodeled them with their corresponding weight in pure Chrome Digizoid metal, restraining their capacity for movement. However, whether it has high power output and flying ability or not is due largely to the organic body of the wild Digimon, before it was modified. Although it's small, if it gradually releases those abilities, it has the capability to easily bring down even a massive Digimon in a single blow.[2]”

I also had been considering a split champion level evolution with raptordramon -- and I think it makes sense. I struggled a lot with being aggressive and spiteful after surviving the end of my world and finding refuge in the human world. I see growlmon x as being an extension of my rage. Of wanting to do the right thing, but being overwhelmed with ferocity and relying on the strength of my partner’s heart to direct my power. To make up for what I lack in self-control.

In contrast, raptordramon has a history with predatory instincts, but has tempered them more with their cyborg parts. Yeah, the goal with the modifications is power, but there is more of an intention there. More thoughtfulness and this digimon is a vaccine type vs. growlmon x being a virus type. I believe raptordramon was an evolution I got access to later, after my partner and I grew to trust one another more and I became more disciplined and less jaded.

Here There be Paratypes and Linktypes

This still leaves my ultimate form unaccounted for. This one is the hardest to pin down. Besides flight and metal components there’s nothing defining to go off of. How did I come to put hisyaryumon on the list?

Looking at digimon evolutions once more, I found a single canon way for dracomon x to turn into holydramon x through growlmon x and hisyaryumon – who can also turn into raptordramon and is also a natural carrier of the x-antibody.

It’s a neat, perfect way to top off the digivolution list and looks awesome to boot. But is it the correct form? Have I put an acceptable amount of thought into it? What even are these forms to me? It's weird being these things, but also not often? Only some of the time? And kinda only because of being a dracomon?

Right now I do feel like hisyaryumon is the closest. I wouldn’t call them kintypes. Paratypes would be closer since my connection to them stems from my established identity of dracomon x. I don’t subscribe to a totally spiritual view of my ‘types, but kardiatype seems close too – something you were in a previous life, but no longer identify as. A part of me feels like I am just picking something to not have a gap. But so what if that’s the case? I’m happy and it’s my vaguetype, I’ll do what I want with it.

- Hortense

[pikachugirltits]

Magic x Marvel: Idle Speculation

I have a lot of random thoughts about the upcoming Magic the Gathering x Marvel crossover, and I thought it would be neat to just ramble about them in a post, especially so I can hopefully find that post again later when the sets release and see how much I was right about. I'm just gonna bullet point this because this is kind of a stream of consciousness sort of deal:

We know that we're getting multiple "tentpole releases" a.k.a. more than one full set for this particular crossover. I'm thinking at least one is going to be a straight to Modern draftable set similar to the LotR set, but I don't think they're necessarily just doing that for all the sets. I speculate that the other (or one of the others if there's more than two) set is going to be a gimmick draft set, such as 2-Head Giant or Commander draft.

I personally am hoping one of the sets is a Commander draft set, and that our partner variant for the set goes the Stranger Things route and just creates a subset partner variant. I propose the name Team-Up, to represent the ubiquity of team up storylines in comic books. (I actually made an entire post about this but Tumblr's wonderful search function is choosing not to find it on my blog.)

Ooh, if they do go the Commander draft route they can make the Prismatic Piper equivalent a Skrull or something

I really, really want a Squirrel Girl card that makes squirrel tokens that I can jam into my Chatterfang deck. Squirrel Girl is my favorite superhero and I just want her on a card so, so badly.

I think it would be cool to have a Mjolnir equipment that in addition to its other effects also has a bit of trinket text along the lines of "equipped creature is a God in addition to its other types."

Thor and Loki and any other Asgardian that represents an actual god should have the creature type God. It already exists. Like sure, we could make Asgardian a creature type if we wanted to, but that's the coward's route.

I saw someone make a comment on Reddit about adding Hero and Villain as creature types, but I really, really hope that doesn't happen. It runs the risk of making the creature types in the set super repetitive, and we're already gonna see a lot of that from the sheer number of human characters. Sure, we'll have some mutants and aliens and robots to occasionally break things up, but it'll be much worse if the class types among cards aren't varied.

Like seriously, let's use the movie Avengers lineup. What's better...having four Human Hero cards, a God Hero, and whatever we do with the Hulk...or a Human Soldier, Human Scientist, Human Archer, Human Rogue, God Warrior, and whatever we do with the Hulk

Yeah, actually...what are we gonna do with the Hulk and related characters? In a vacuum, I would probably type the Hulk as Mutant Berserker...but for IP reasons I wouldn't be surprised if the Mutant creature type is reserved solely for characters with the X-Gene. I don't have an answer for this, just wondering...

Oh, and since I mentioned the MCU, I do want to say one thing, if they're smart they'll base the sets on the comics and not the MCU. Gives them a lot more material and characters to pull from

Booster fun treatment should lean into this and be comic book themed, but I think they would also be smart to offer some Secret Lair drops featuring alt art versions of the characters based on the MCU...if they're willing to deal with the likeness rights and whatnot.

Multiple tentpole releases does mean multiple commander precons. Some themes I could easily see them basing decks on: the Avengers, X-Men, Spider-Man/Spider-Verse, Guardians of the Galaxy+other space themed characters, a deck for a bunch of the more mystical Marvel characters probably led by Dr. Strange, S.H.I.E.L.D., A.I.M., Villains in general (from my memory Marvel doesn't really have a singular Legion of Doom type team up of its iconic villains, but I'm definitely picturing a Villains deck that tosses a bunch of iconic villains together in one deck...you could call it the Masters of Evil as a deep cut though.)

If Gambit gets a card, he should have an ability that lets you discard cards to deal damage to a target to represent Gambit throwing cards at his enemies. (This is the kind of wink at the camera stuff I love in UB products.)

Koi Boy should get a card purely because he's a canon trans man and Magic really needs some trans masc representation.

[azure-firecracker]

ATLA Live Action Stream of Consciousness (Episode 5, Part 2).

Not sure how I feel about Azula being so angry and nearly burning that trainer since I don’t consider her an angry character and I get annoyed with people who do. That being said, I DEFINITELY see her not being willing to stop training and zeroing in on herself so much that she forgets everything else so I’m going to say she was doing that. Also yay blue fire!

Mai stopping her was interesting, a little unexpected but Azula seems to accept it, which means they’re on somewhat even ground as friends. That’ll make their friendship interesting to explore.

Mai being emotionally aware was not something I was prepared for but I’ll say sure (Not sure what she’s all about yet. She hasn’t been characterized as clearly as the other two).

I’ve seen this clip before but the way Lizzy’s voice breaks when she says “It’s not good enough” sends me REELING. This is what I always needed from this character and WOW her acting. I need a book 3 just so she can break my heart some more.

Is that translation from distressed Azula to distressed Zuko establishing a parallel?

Oh good they brought funny Iroh back.

Iroh: “You have always thought that there is a right and a wrong way to do things. That is the mark of a great leader.” Me: That is the mark of an Fi-dom (MBTI talk. Check out this post for more of that).

Enneagram talk: OG Zuko is an enneagram 6 but this Zuko is a 1 or a 4 (in the idealist triad, as opposed to type 6 which is in the adaptive triad). Ask me about enneagram stuff anytime!

They’re splitting up this is surely not a good idea.

Talking fox spirit? Where did this come from?

Dangerous fog? More swamp core.

Katara seeing her mom wow this is sad. Kiawentiio is acting the hell out of this! And the fact that her mom says things to her about being a protector and then dies immediately after while Katara can’t save her…I’m feeling things.

WHOEVER PLAYS YOUNG KATARA IS GOOD!

Shit the fact that Katara was bending water really means she probably thinks her mom died because of her even more so than in the OG…that’s a heavy burden to bear.

[kinfeelings]

STREAM-OF-CONSCIOUSNESS "ESSAY" ABOUT MY KINTYPE + A LITTLE BIT MORE.

------

I used to label myself a Felidae cladotherian, but it just wasn't enough. At the moment, "polymorphic shape-changer" feels far closer to the truth. It may even actually be the truth. I pulled the term out of my ass like a week ago, frankly, but after some discussion with others within the OtherConnect Discord server, I've found a way to define it that is basically perfect, in my opinion. Read my Pinned post on this side-blog if you want the definition as I see it.

I am the sole individual who utilizes this label, so far. It's probably gonna be that way for a very long while. Maybe one day that'll change and I can create a designated Discord server for the lot of us, who knows. I'm no good at designing flags or whatnot, but perhaps I can commission someone to make some stuff for me like that eventually.

I feel very close with the idea of werecats, AKA ailuranthropes. (Like how werewolves can be referred to as lycanthropes.) I dunno when precisely or why this feline fixation of mine ignited; loving cats is a big part of my earliest memories. I tend to simply shrug and claim that I was born enamored with these creatures. It's hardwired into my brain, my DNA, my soul. I am an example of metaphysical feline software running on flesh-and-blood physical human hardware. For as long as I can look back, I've felt like I should be one of them, that they were my kith and kin -- no irony intended -- and that I should have at least one around me in my personal living space at all times.

However, when I was little, rarely did any cat like me or even tolerate me in return. I was too loud, too obnoxious and rudely grabby. The numerous scratches I rightfully received from all those cats never, ever deterred me at all. Sure, it made me heartbroken at the time, but I'd bounce back soon enough. Now that I'm older, calmer, more self-aware and respectful of cats in general, they usually allow me into their proximity for affection, if they're the type of kitty to want it.

Moving on to my teen years, I was but a fledgling, insecure and depressed alterhuman, with no clue what my true identity was yet. I tried identifying as many things, fictotypes, theriotypes...all brief, including my tenure as Bluefur/-star from Warrior Cats. Didn't work out with her in specific, but something in me spoke that I was on the right track by looking into her, if only because of the felinity. I mislabeled myself many, many times as I aged throughout my youth, my journey of growth. Self-discovery was eager to smack me in the face every once in awhile. Lots of embarrassment for me as I continued to mislabel myself over and over, with lots of encouragement and peptalks from my online, fellow alterhuman friends to not give up.

Now, I am cognizant of myself being both a cat person and a literal cat-person. The latter is what my base/default form resembles at basically all times, thinking about it. It took some serious questioning from my previously mentioned online buddies to help me uncover what I was probably critically overthinking. I have a sense that my base/default form is going to gain yet more defining physically traits as time goes on and I dig up these things like a work-weary archaeologist. The exact details of my own appearance frequently change: coloration, eye color, and markings as well as fur length and texture. One day they may just stabilize with finality, and I can feel like I can drop the "polymorphic shape-changer" name and substitute it with just "shape-shifter/-changer" for certain, forevermore.

Not that that's something I particularly dearly wish for. I can remain a polymorphic shape-changer for the rest of my days if need be. Whatever happens will happen.

Anyway, I can clearly see now that I've always had some degree and measure of felinity within me. It's integral to me on the inside. All my other forms I take are secondary in comparison, not lesser but also not as "big." My felinity is the most spiritual part of my identity, alongside what I do as a seemingly "average human being" out in the big wide world. Human isn't how I identify, but yeah, it's nowhere near all-bad. I like it at times. Doesn't change that my felinity means more to me than it.

I have a fiction novel planned that features werecats as the main characters. It's urban fantasy + magic realism. Untitled right now, slowly being built and penned. The first draft isn't even completed yet...or started. I have a long notes Word document about it though. I realize now that I subconsciously and heavily based amd modeled the werecats in the tale after my own base/default form. One day, I'll publish it and then excitedly scour the online alterhuman community to check if anybody else identifies as the type of werecat in my book. Honestly, I'll welcome anyone who identifies as any of my OCs!! I'd adore that, or even as a noncanon member of the species. The second thing I look forward to most are the fanfictions and fanarts folks will surely make of my media. There might even be a film or TV adaptation of it...but I'm getting way overly ahead of myself by daydreaming so much.

On the note of artwork, I viscerally hate it when artists put the warning "do not tag as ID or me" under their pieces. Like, so sorry your art was so amazing that it resonated with me on a deeply personal, important level. Jerk. I know certain artists do it because the art is of their own alterhuman memories or noemata and the like, but normal human creators? What excuses do you have? Why do you care so badly? ...In the end, unfortunately, I cannot dictate how any other artist wants their works to be seen or used. Sigh. But I can definitely whine and bitch about it -- as evidenced.

[steddieunderdogfics]

Our first writer's spotlight feature is: @anthotneystark! With seven works on Ao3 in the Stranger Things fandom (for ao3 users only), they've written five works with the Steddie ship tag!

Nominated by @thefreakandthehair, they recommend the following works by mywarisalreadywon:

Fools in love (Is there any other kind of pain?)

But when it's your brother (Sometimes you look the other way)

I will stay one night beside you, never go back to the sea (I will stay and be thy husband though it be the death of me)

My wounds cry for the grave (My soul cries for deliverance)

Sold your soul (Built the higher wall)

Kat is an absolute treasure and such a wonderful writer! Her ideas are always so fresh and so interesting, and I've never read anything from her that doesn't just hit. All of her works are so well-crafted and well-written, characterization is always on point, and I can't say enough about how much I genuinely enjoy every single thing she posts! - @thefreakandthehair

Below the cut, @anthotneystark answered some questions about their writing process and some of their recommended work!

Why do you write Steddie?

I just find them so compelling, and there’s so many ways to shift the story around a bit or put them in different universes, like the options are just endless in a way a lot of the ships I’ve loved can’t be.

What’s your favorite trope to READ?

I’m such a sucker for hurt/comfort, but I feel like that’s such a broad range, right? More specific would be the trop of one or both having insecurities and getting that “I love you and I will choose to keep loving you” moment.

What’s your favorite trope to WRITE?

Probably the breakdown moment of finally finding a safe harbor, or realizing that people love you, and it just hits you like a freight train and you can’t do anything but fall apart, and that can go hand in hand with found family, but that’s my specific gut-punch feeling that I want to put in every fic.

What’s your favorite Steddie fic?

Oh this is so hard! I have so many that I go back and read time and time again, so many that I absolutely adore! God, just picking one is so nerve wracking, I’m too indecisive, so I’ll say my top three (in no particular order): Sanctuary by SpicedSage, I’ve seen your face before, my friend,but I don’t know if you know who I am by HMSLusitania, and The One in Which a Time Loop is Fucking Exhausting by badpancake

Is there a trope you’re excited to explore in a future work but haven’t yet?

Oh for sure! I’ve had a rom-com idea bouncing around in my head for a while, I just have to figure out a good starting place for it!

What is your writing process like?

The majority of the time, I start writing out my stories on paper. I scratch it down at least enough to get me started and use that kind of as a springboard. When I can get to a point of typing it up, having that and editing as I go helps me to really build momentum and then I can just let it flow, but that initial momentum is the hard part between getting the story out of my head and onto a page. If I’m stopping and starting, I reread and edit what I’ve typed up as my springboard, so by the time I’m finished, I’ve reread it all enough times that I’m sure I’ve got everything in the order I want.

Do you have any writing quirks?

I’m very sure that I do! I start a lot of sentences with conjunctions and I try to write, at least in some parts, so it reads like a stream of consciousness without entering first person. For me it’s almost like I type how I talk and sometimes I get a little too far into that and have to reel it back.

Do you prefer posting when you’ve finished writing or on a schedule?

 Oh definitely when it’s finished. I lose motivation for periods of time and have to rotate between projects, so I feel much better about stuff when it’s all just done and I don’t have to worry about being stalled for too long.

Which fic are you most proud of?

I’m kinda torn on this one! Like I’m super proud of all the heart and the emotion I felt and tried to express in But when it's your brother (Sometimes you look the other way), but My wounds cry for the grave (My soul cries for deliverance) was huge for me because that’s my biggest single chapter fic that I’ve ever written. If pressed, I think I’d have to go with the former just because that one in particular was so heavy for me on a more personal level.

How did you get the idea for But when it's your brother (Sometimes you look the other way)?

This fic is honestly so full of my own personal feelings that I get a little choked up thinking about it too much. I’m a younger sister, so I’m constantly in this cycle of making fun of my older sister and calling her names but having this deep love for her. My family isn’t one that really talks much about feelings, but there’s so much love there and I’m finding myself constantly thinking back on my own life about so many moments where neither of us was prepared for what we had to do, but I looked at her and thought she was invincible and I feel like that’s the core of Dustin and Steve. The “that’s my brother, he’s so tough and grown up and he’s always okay” and then the sort of devastation of realizing that this person you’ve always seen like that has a lot of moments where they’re scared and hurt and struggling but not showing it. There’s just a lot of me in that fic.

When writing I will stay one night beside you, never go back to the sea (I will stay and be thy husband though it be the death of me), what was something you didn’t expect?

I don’t know that there was anything I didn’t expect, because I try not to really push expectations onto my work, I try to just let it flow and figure it out from there. But something that felt right that I hadn’t initially planned for was the moment between Steve and Joyce. We haven’t seen them interact really, and I’ve seen a few different takes on them and how they’d see each other, but I honestly loved the thought of him having this moment of trying to hold it all together because there’s so much weight on his shoulders and the moment he sees someone who’s safe, someone who has been judged so much and wouldn’t be judgemental of him, he breaks.

What inspired Fools in love (Is there any other kind of pain)?

This one actually started as a “haha what if Steve was born on a holiday” and then I made it a little angsty. Because I do like the born on a holiday and your birthday gets overlooked vibe, but then it was just a moment of thinking about what if it gets overlooked not because it’s a big holiday, but because people just don’t believe him and how much that would hurt year after year.

What was your favorite part to write from I will stay one night beside you, never go back to the sea (I will stay and be thy husband though it be the death of me)?

Definitely the bit about Steve begging for Eddie to keep him, with that warring feeling of not wanting to be restrained but wanting to be chosen. Feelings are so often multidimensional and that was something that just really spoke to me.

How do/did you feel writing But when it's your brother (Sometimes you look the other way)?

I cried so much. Like I said, there’s so much personal feeling in there, so much of the way that I am with my siblings is there, and we didn’t have any life or death situations, but that sort of love, it just sticks with you forever. In equal moments I’m Steve and I’m Dustin in there, being a middle child and all I’ve got both experiences, so I definitely had a few moments where I needed to step back and let my own feelings settle again.

What was the most difficult part of writing Fools in love (Is there any other kind of pain)?

This was actually my first fic written and published in over three years. So the hard part for me was actually just working up the courage to post it. I’ve been dealing a lot with depression and anxiety and burnout for years now and just the general dissatisfaction with my own writing, so the love I got after posting that was really just so special to me and I can’t fully express how much it means and how encouraging it was knowing people liked it.

Do you have a favorite scene and/or line from any of your fics?

My favorite line is either this one from My wounds cry for the grave: “But right now, he just leans over, laughing with his favorite person ever, his heart soaring and matching hers, beat for beat.” Or this moment: “He drops right there, like a puppet with its strings cut, like a stone in water. Like Atlas being crushed by the weight of the world. Dustin is the only one close enough to make sure his head doesn’t hit the ground; he’ll be grateful for that later. In that moment though, surrounded by people who love him, sprawled on a cold tile floor, willing Eddie to be alive with his whole being, Steve Harrington’s heart stops once more.” Both of these were things I had rotating in my head for so long that I go back to those parts over and over just to feel them again.

Do you have any upcoming projects or fics you’d like to share/promote?

Oh I have so many things that are half done, but none that are near finished enough to try and hype them up yet. I literally have a running list of ideas I’m adding to here and there and I just follow the inspiration!

Outside of these questions, Is there anything YOU would like to add?

The only thing I can think to add is that I’m just absolutely so flattered and tickled about someone liking my work enough to nominate me for this! I’ve always tended to be more of a lurker in just about every fandom I’ve been in so this is such a surprise and it means the world that my writing touched someone enough for them to think of me. 

Thank you to our author, @anthotneystarkm and our nominator, @thefreakandthehair! See more of @anthotneystark's work featured on our page throughout the day!

Writer's Spotlight is every Wednesday! Want to nominate an author? You can nominate them here!

[iraprince]

If it helps to any degree: one conversation I had freshman year of art school with my prof and class is that there’s likely no One Real version of you. Theyre all equally as real.

The way I put it best is that certain situations are gonna make you amplify certain traits of yourself. Specifically we were talking professional settings/interview. Professional Me tones down dirty jokes and swearings and ups the analytical and personable parts because it’s what the environment calls for, not because I’m squashing down parts of myself. Friend Me changes based on which friends I’m with, and Internet Me is largely a stream of consciousness but omits personal details these days.

They’re all obviously Me. Just Me in different environments. Humans not only grow constantly and will change over the years, but also adapts to each environment we’re in. It’s perfectly normal. The human experience and being is quite complexed and nuanced in that way.

For some people the change might be very noticeable for others, it’s merely a change in vocabulary and not much else. Both are valid.

Being authentic just means you’re in control of what traits your amplifying depending on your environment. So you’re right, there is authenticity in your internet self being Not Today With This.

yeah, for sure — this is definitely something i think as well. i guess the thing i worry abt is less thinking there's one single Real Me who i want to show to everyone all the time, but more of a... proximity thing? like worrying that, even if it's for a good reason, i've shaved so much off the identity that shows thru online, or made it so distant, that i must not look like much of anything to anyone anymore.

(and at the same time, ironically, sometimes i fantasize about even MORE of that — i look at the accounts of ppl who post literally Nothing but finished art pieces and never ever talk and wonder what it would be like to go back in time and have that kind of presence instead, lol. i don't think i would Actually like it, but, y'know.)

but actually typing this out made me realize a kind of innate bias of my own? 'reserved' and 'distant' are personality traits on their own, not the absense of personality. the fact that i've withdrawn a little IS part of who i am, not like, an erosion of my identity. bigger/louder/more present are not the only methods by which ppl will be able to tell what kind of guy i am. so that's cool to think about too