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thefandomenchantress · 9 months

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what's ur favorite aspect of xanvid, acevid, xanace(? if that's their ship name), and the three of them together?

(Warning: TW For discussion of EDs, as well as the fact this is at least a little self-indulgent)

This is such a fun question heh heh heh! I’m gonna have a lot of fun with this one. (Thanks for asking me, by the way).

…

Xanvid:

I know this isn’t too deep or anything, but making ‘Xander is a huge simp for David’ jokes is one of my favorite pastimes while writing these two. I think it’s very funny.

I’ll be completely honest, at first I only shipped Xanvid because I knew most of the fandom did. Mostly because I somehow forgot this scene happened:

And that scene is the one that probably adds the most substance to their relationship, so forgetting about it took away what is probably one of the most important aspects. That being that Xander actually tries to treat David like a person, not a product or a celebrity.

I think Xander and David would probably be good at hyping each other up when they’re down, or providing each other comfort when they’re sad. Seeing as Xander has experience with grief I don’t think he’d push too hard for David to be happy all the time, which is pretty vital.

Acevid:

The more silly aspect I like is the banter. Ace is always great for fun banter because he never shuts up and doesn’t hesitate to state his opinions, at least most of the time. So most characters can have an entertaining back-and-forth with him.

But post-personality-reveal David in particular is fun for me to write, since he acts like such a smug little bastard. His above-average way with words can pretty much make Ace do what ever he wants (or at least in the beginning, when Ace can’t detect his trickery), and usually what he wants is to fluster Ace as much as possible.

But I guess a more serious one would be why I started shipping them in the first place. Both David and Ace’s careers have merged with the rest of their life in one way or another, and in very unpleasant ways. Both are the only two to show distain for their talents in some capacity, (excluding Teruko and sort of Rose, who doesn’t exactly hate her talent as much as she hates that she got caught and is in debt).

Whit says he didn’t share David’s secret because he doesn’t want to ruin David’s career, and when he phrases it like that it seems stupid, but considering the fact David basically built a whole new personality he’s been crafting for years and is the only thing he lets people see, you slowly realize that ruining his career essentially destroys his life. His image has been his primary concern for so long and now it’s forever tarnished. Which does make his sudden move to get everyone killed make a bit more sense, since perhaps David believes his life is essentially over anyway. Without his image and by extension his career, what is he left with?

And something similar could be said for Ace. Being a jockey is dangerous enough as it is, but with the brittle bones that come with an eating disorder like anorexia (which is what I assume Ace has, though I may be wrong), this risk of injury or even death only increases. In fact the mortality rate of anorexia alone is higher than most mental illnesses. So it’s fair to say that despite his fear of death and things that could hurt him in general, Ace is putting himself in a lot of danger to preserve his career as a jockey. His constant trips to the gym seem to indicate his works out a lot to maintain his weight as well. Despite the fact he hates horse-riding, he is risking his life to keep competing. And since he just got outed for having an eating disorder by Veronika, presumably on (inter?)national television, I’d say there’s a very high chance that he won’t be allowed to race again. So not only has his career been thrown away, but what he has dedicated his life to.

This rant is all to say I think that they could relate to each other in this way, and thus understand what the other is going through. They could help each other figure out where to go from here, and that kind of thing.

(This one ended up being really long, whoops…)

Xanace:

I’ve never written anything of just the two of them before, but I still like them as a pairing. Probably because rivals to lovers is one of my favorite things ever (Hence my love of Teruvid).

My favorite silly aspect is probably that the height difference is very funny to me. Xander’s 6’0 and Ace is 5’5 and I can just imagine them doing this thing:

Where the taller person easily holds back the shorter one, who is trying and failing to attack them (Hope you like my stick figure art haha).

Honestly part of the reason why I’ve never written something with just them is because I’m still trying to figure out why they work together. Xander doesn’t have much patience for Ace’s antics, so having them get along would most likely require Ace to tone it down long enough for them to have a heartfelt moment.

I think once they managed to have a bit of an understanding of each other, however, it’d be fun to see Ace of all people have to talk Xander out of getting in fights. Ace may threaten to fight people, but he won’t. Xander, however, has no qualms about being in a fight if he thinks it necessary. And seeing Ace, who has the habit of saying ‘you wanna fight!?’ to people he barely knows, having to stop him would be funny. Because even if Ace won’t admit it he cares about Xander’s well-being and in a fight he’s bound to get hurt.

Xanacevid:

Hmm…I guess I just feel like they kinda balance each other out, y’know? Xander and Ace’s more hotheaded and reckless tendencies can be balanced out by David’s more generally calm demeanor. Ace and David’s pessimism can be balanced out by Xander’s more cheery yet realistic outlook. David and Xander’s lovey-dovey approach is balanced out by Ace being a grumpy tsundere. I’m not great at putting it into words, they just kinda work. To me, at least.

…

Yaaaay I finished! Sorry this took me so long, I had trouble putting into words exactly what I liked about these ships. But thanks for asking I really love talking about stuff like this!!! <3

#danganronpa despair time #drdt #drdt spoilers #david chiem #xander matthews #ace markey #xanvid #acevid #xanace #xanacevid #tw ed #color coding this was fun maybe i’ll do it more

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tsunderedoctor · 2 years

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Hi purple! I was wondering if I could request headcanons for Law, Luffy, and Ace, where they cry in front of their s/o for the first time? Maybe stress is getting to them or Luffy just lost Ace in marineford, Law thinking about Corazón, etc? Hope you have a phenomenal day 💘

Oh you just wanna make me sad, don't you??

Law would probably cry when he’s super drunk, as in completely intoxicated. He usually only drinks a few shots and calls it a night once he gets that steady high, but if it’s a rough night he will indulge himself and allow his emotions to run freely.

He will stay quiet most of the night, sulking in his own self-pity about his life choices. How he could have been a better person for his family, Cora-san, even you; but he doesn’t out of his own pride and fear of being hurt.

When you go and check on him the tears are already threatening to fall out, just one look from you was enough for his usual strong walls to break apart. A whimper escapes his lips as you bend down to hug him, hands wrapped around your frame tightly, clinging to you as if you will disappear in front of him.

He’s a loud crier, lets out the most pitiful sobs you can imagine, but it’s due to all the buried emotions inside. He can’t help it, he lost it all and sometimes he’s scared that he will wake up and everything he worked so hard for will all be a dream.

Stays by your side the whole night, his fears getting the best of him. All his insecurities come to life and he needs you close with him to reassure him that all will be okay and he’s safe now.

It was after the whole events of Ace’s death and being ripped apart from his crew. It was just the two of you now as he trained everyday to stay distracted from the pain and loneliness. However, Rayleigh decided to give the young boy a break, worried about his own mental being.

It was then that he finally was able to come to senses with his emotions. Sitting on the ground, he forgot that the others weren’t with him in that moment, asking Sanji what was for lunch.

Running his hands through his hair, he let out a shaky breathe as you brought him the usual food that was prepared by the Amazonians. Asking him what was wrong only resulted in an angry fit, like a child who didn’t get his way.

So all you could do was sit by him and let him come to you. It didn’t take long for him to crawl into your lap, face wet with tears and snot as he held you tightly in bitter anger. What did he do to deserve all this pain? What did Ace do?!

The rest of the afternoon was only listening to the boy cry. Hand running through his hair as you whispered sweet nothings. It was truly all you could do anymore.

Ace does his best to cry in the privacy of his room or somewhere where no one can find him. So you were both surprised when you found him hiding in the closet of his bedroom.

Hates to admit it, but is a huge baby when he cries, he’s super needy and wants your attention even more than before. In this space he feels as though he is truly worthless and wants to prove his self-worth to you, but he also needs your reassurance that everything will be okay and you love him.

Usually when he cries it’s due to his self-hatred winning in the battle and he needs gentle reminders that his brain isn’t always right, that people do love and need him.

Is very clingy, if you want to be in a more comfortable position or suggest laying on the bed, know he will be stuck to you like glue still, afraid if he lets go you will reject him.

The type to cry himself to sleep on you. Even in his sleep though he has a tight grip, his subconscious fear that when he wakes up you will be gone. Just stay by side and remind him how good of a boy he his!

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alostsock · 4 years

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The sum of your years.

Hey it’s me, back on my bullshit with some OOC, unresearched, plotless, self-indulgent fluff, nervously dipping my toe into this fandom because you guys are SO TALENTED like damn.

I kind of hc Nicky and Joe as ace soulmates but that’s irrelevant.

Summary: Nicky always seems serene, unflappable. It’s only at night when Nile sees that he is not.

---

They are all human, so they all hurt. The physical wounds heal quickly, but Nile is beginning to understand that the emotional ones fester all the more with the endless stretch of time ahead of and behind them.

Booker doesn’t hide it very well. He drinks, he gets grumpy, he broods - when Booker is in a bad mood, everyone around him knows it. If he has a nightmare he tends to wake up with a grunt, scrubbing his hands across his face before storming off in search of a drink. She doesn’t usually see him come back to bed.

Andy, for the most part, is quiet about her pain. Nile has never caught her in a nightmare, but she has definitely caught her sitting awake in the middle of the night, whisky in hand and a distant look on her face. The difference between Booker’s brooding and Andy’s brooding, though, is that Andy is almost always brooding. Nile hasn’t yet figured out which kind of quiet is normal-quiet, and which is upset-quiet. Andy is just... quiet.

Joe is passionate. He’ll spin poetry about the colour of Nicky’s eyes just as articulately as he will about loneliness or anger (although she admits that this happens much less often - Nicky’s eyes really are a striking colour). She sometimes (rarely) catches glimpses of truly darker moods, but Nicky is always there with a gentle brush of his hand against Joe’s shoulder, a cup of tea, and the casual closeness that Joe seems to revel in. He will sit next to him, pressing their thighs together, and always seems to instinctively know when to give Joe his full attention, listening to whatever he has to say, and when to just sit quietly reading a book, giving Joe time to think while reminding him that he is not alone. On very rare occasions, Nicky will take his hand and pull him out for a walk. They will disappear for a few hours, and when they return (usually with some sort of food), the worried creases in Joe’s forehead will seem a little less pronounced.

Nicky, on the other hand, always seems... serene. He never hesitates to give her a smile, or to tell her a story from years past, or to spar with her. She has seen him angry, sure, especially in a fight, but he is more quietly dangerous than he is openly emotional. He doesn’t seem to say much, but he shows his love in actions - in treats carefully chosen from bakeries or markets, meals made with the utmost care (and with no small amount of skill, either - she supposes he has had over 900 years to learn to cook), and in the silent, calculated rage he will unleash on anyone who tries to hurt the people he loves.

During downtime, however, he is always just... fine.

He lets things roll off of him with a gentle smile - he never seems to take anything to heart. Whenever something goes wrong, he always has (sometimes cryptic) words of wisdom ready for them, delivered with a reassuring steadiness (and often a hot meal).

At the beginning, Nile thinks that maybe, with time, he has just learned how to brush everything off. She wonders if his unflappable calm is the result of 900 years of learning to forgive, of benevolence and understanding.

She later realizes that the pristine front is just that - a front. Nicky’s guard is always up when he is awake. It’s not 900 years of learning to not let anything phase you - it’s 900 years of getting good at hiding pain.

She only learns this, however, as the result of nights spent crammed together in one room in a small safe house. When the lights are out and there are no walls between them, Nile really sees that 900 years of life comes with 900 years of trauma, no matter how imperturbable one may seem.

---

Joe and Nicky always sleep pressed against each other - good nights, bad nights, and everything between.

On good nights, Joe will curl up behind Nicky, wrapping his arms around him tightly as he presses his face into Nicky’s hair. Nicky will grab onto Joe’s hand, pulling him in close, and tracing small circles with his thumb on Joe’s arm until he falls asleep.

On bad nights, they face each other.

If Joe startles awake Nicky will turn to him. He will press their foreheads together, running his fingers through Joe’s curls, pressing Joe’s hand to his own chest so that he can feel him breathe. Only when Joe’s breathing has slowed back into sleep will Nicky take Joe’s hand, pulling it over him as he turns back around to tuck his back against Joe’s chest.

As willing as he is to give comfort, however, he seems strangely reluctant to take it. On several occasions, Nile has seen him wake with a strangled gasp. She will watch with her eyes barely open in the darkness, her pupils still adjusting to the lack of light. His first move is always to pull away, ever so slightly. He will try to force his breaths to slow, turning heaving into shuddering, suppressed gasps, trying not to wake Joe. Despite his efforts, however, the tension in his shoulders and the way he will curl tightly in on himself will detach his back from where it was pressed against Joe, and Joe will blink awake in confusion.

His brow will furrow in concern at the quivering of Nicky’s shoulders, but as soon as he has woken up enough to realize what is going on, he will reach over to gently roll Nicky over to face him. Nicky will not resist, allowing himself to be pulled in tight to Joe’s chest, his face pressed into Joe’s neck.

With how tucked away his face is, Nile is never sure if he actually cries or not, but Joe will trail his fingers up and down Nicky’s spine, through his hair, down the side of his face, pulling Nicky in as tightly as he can until Nicky stops shaking. Even when Nicky stills and his breath slows into the deep inhales and exhales of sleep Joe will stay awake, continuing to hold Nicky to him, keeping watch.

Nile has only been caught staring once - Joe’s attention is usually entirely on Nicky (although she’s sure he knows she’s awake). He catches her eyes as he presses his chin into Nicky’s hair, giving her a gentle, reassuring smile. There is a sad, imploring look in his eyes, so as she quirks her lips tentatively and gives him a minute nod, she tries to convey that she understands the request.

For now, this is a secret she will keep.

#the old guard #fic #what even is this lmao #hi I love sleeping #it makes me soft #nicolo di genova #yusuf al kaysani #nile freeman

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itsclydebitches · 5 years

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RWBY Recaps: “ACE Operatives”

We’re back, folks! I have to say, I think overall this is one of the strongest episodes we’ve gotten since “The Lost Fable.” Are there still concerns? You know it, but on the whole I’ve got to give credit where credit’s due. So with that unexpectedly optimistic mindset, let’s dive in.

We open right on the group’s first mission and for a moment I was worried that, like with Oscar’s shopping, this time skip would be passed right over. Especially after we hear Pietro apologize for “holding onto your weapons for so long,” telling us that between the Academy tour at the end of last episode and this mission today, at least a few weeks have passed. Long enough for one guy to re-design multiple combat outfits and weaponry, plus an additional boost here and there. Luckily, the first part of the episode cuts among three distinct times: when they got their weapons, when they first heard about the mission, and this present day flight/landing, which as a technique I like quite a bit. It gives us a sense of each time while keeping us moving forward. No one is thinking, “Ugh. Do we really need to hear a mission briefing when most of last episode was learning about this plan in the first place?” because we already know this is taking place in the past. Just sit through the snippet and then the rest of the info will come through voice-overs while the group jumps out of an airship. Good balance of exposition and action.

What we learn in these flashbacks is that Ironwood wants to use an abandoned dust mine for the satellite’s launch. Only problem? It’s inhabited by a very old, extremely dangerous geist. Kudos to the writing team for the Volume Two callback. I’ve always been intrigued by Oobleck’s comment that grimm are capable of learning if they continue to survive and here we finally see an example of that. This geist isn’t just strong, it’s smart enough to hide in the mines themselves.

Shot over all this we see Atlas military personnel taking out the everyday grimm in the surrounding area, proving that their weapons can handle that task in most situations. Why doesn’t Ironwood’s robots have that then? Or as others have pointed out, something even more powerful like Penny’s lasers, or some of the upgrades the team gets? Chock it up to lack of funds... or simple plot setup. If the robots had been able to take out a bunch of grimm easy-peasy then there wouldn’t have been any cool premiere fight for our group. Then again, all of this casts their snarky comments about Ironwood’s defenses in a new light. Clearly they’re a force to be reckoned with when the plot actually allows it.

We likewise see the group receiving their new gear and... okay. Here’s where the griping starts. Though it’s admittedly small compared to most of my criticisms. First off, why is Jaune receiving a random scrap of Pyrrha’s outfit? Logically this makes no sense to me. Pyrrha’s body disintegrated into a bunch of dust. I can buy Jaune incorporating other armor and fabric into his gear because they were living together and Pyrrha must have spares, but where did this come from? Did Pietro go ask a family member for a random memento for the (from his perspective) equally random teen that showed up? It’s entirely possible that I’m missing something---I’m sick as a dog at the moment and am probably one fever degree away from mild hallucinations---but the whole setup seems incredibly weird. We see Jaune open his box. We see his look of shock. He see him fingering a torn piece of Pyrrha’s skirt. But how does all that come together in any logical way?

More importantly... why? Why is this still a thing? I get it, Jaune is grieving, but to be frank this has been his one-note characterization for over three volumes now. More importantly, everyone else is grieving too. This is another case of the writing prioritizing what the audience knows over what characters know. Meaning, we got to see how close Jaune and Pyrrha were. We know they were in love, but outsiders like Ironwood and Pietro see them as a unified team. Why not give a scrap to Jaune, Nora, and Ren? Really, that’s what rankles the most: this continuing focus on Jaune over the rest of his team. Especially when that focus just leads us in circles of the ‘Jaune is sad’ variety. I thought we were supposed to be learning more about Nora this volume, so why not give her something to remember Pyrrha by? I realize we’re only through the third episode, but in a series that averages twelve each volume, that’s a fourth of our material gone. Please. I’m begging you. Enough about Jaune. We’ve watched him cry and rage and lash out for three years now. He’s gotten to move through every type of grief the writing could throw at him. Let someone else take the spotlight for a change.

(It’s also just all around weird because Jaune is smiling sadly, implying he’s moving on, but then we have Clover narrating about how they’re “going to kill this thing...” which reminds us of Pyrrha’s murder in a way not really conducive to the whole ‘moving on’ vibe... it’s just odd.)

Second gripe: why doesn’t Oscar get anything? I’ve written before about how overall the group still treats Oscar as the outsider and boy oh boy, do we see that trend continuing here. I’ll speak about this more in a moment when we get to the Ozpin situation, but for this scene in particular there’s no reason he shouldn’t be included. If Jaune can get a cool addition to his shield after updating his own outfit, Oscar can get a cool addition too. Take five seconds to have Pietro point out that, as a random farm kid buying combat gear for the first time, he didn’t totally hit the mark. Here are a few things to keep you safer. Hell, you could even have Pietro---who we have established goes above and beyond in his inventions---pull Oscar aside with an updated weapon and Oscar could have gotten all quiet, examining his cane, eventually thanking Pietro, but emphasizing that he doesn’t think he should change things just yet. Or without anther’s input. Or, if Atlas doesn’t want to waste funds on the farm boy let him get a haircut like literally everyone else! We could have allotted Oscar a few seconds of screen time instead of getting what we always get: the team banding together and him nowhere to be seen.

He’s a part of this mission. He’s integral to this mission. He is a main character now. It’s about time the writing started acknowledging that.

The final flashback, at least, includes Oscar a little more. I realize my screenshot isn’t the best, but the expressions here really do say it all: Ruby mindlessly geeking out over new tech while Oscar stands sadly in another doorway.

We hear him say, “Hey... Ruby?” before he’s cut off and we return to the present.

We’ll get back to him in just a moment. For now, the airship opens to reveal everyone’s new look, which isn’t actually a reveal because this scene dominated the trailer.

Ah well. I have to say though, from here on out one of the main reasons why this episode feels strong to me is because of the overall dynamic among the characters. First, it was smart to break everyone up into different teams to search for a hidden grimm. If they’d tried to cram twelve characters into the same shot for the rest of the episode it would have been a disaster. Second, these smaller teams allow for the sort of teasing/comfort/playfulness we’ve grown used to among these characters, but have largely lost over the last two volumes. One of my favorite moments is when Yang is caught staring at Blake’s new haircut and we get a look at this massive blush.

Not to ship on main, but please note the parallel between this moment and Nora/Ren, two characters who are more firmly established as a canonical couple. Although... here when Nora compliments Ren’s hair he shuts her down pretty hard. There’s none of the casual indulgence we’re used to from him. Since when does Ren insist that Nora take a mission seriously, outside of making those requests in an equally teasing manner? Nora notices as much too, clearly upset, and Jaune is just... dense. It makes me wonder though if this is the direction they’re heading in for Nora. Give her romance troubles in the form of Ren pulling away now that their relationship has had a chance to sink in.

Not sure I’m a big fan of that. Granted, it depends on how they handle it, but on the whole I’m not really invested in reducing Nora’s rare and much needed development down to a cliche ‘Oh no. A boy doesn’t like me’ plot-line. We’ll have to see though.

I also really liked the moment between Weiss and Blake a little later. This is how you tackle racism in your story. Not by having the group risk their world-saving mission by Weiss impulsively throwing civilians into the trash, but by having an incredibly privileged woman acknowledge her privilege. Weiss mentions how angry this mine’s failure made her father, but she doesn’t use the abuse she suffered as any sort of excuse, like she would have in the earlier volumes. Instead, Weiss acknowledges for herself how hard that time was and then apologizes not only for what he’s done to the faunus, but also for “all my complacency in it.” Weiss was a child. We can’t hold her to the same level of responsibility as Jacques. But as a privileged woman in this world Weiss’ complacency does perpetuate her father’s active sins. So it’s fantastic that she admits as much to Blake. In front of all the others, no less. To me, that’s a far better sign of growth than what we got last week.

It’s also during this time that we see Blake eyeing the SDC boxes with anxiety. It could just be bad memories. It could imply that she had some hand in this particular attack. I hope it implies that she’s thinking about Adam because... is anyone going to bring him up? Seriously? Two teammates killed a guy. The self-defense aspect doesn’t erase the fact that they each rammed a piece of a blade through his stomach and watched him topple over a waterfall. We should be dealing with this! Not reducing it to one hug from Ruby right before a major battle. Hopefully this is setup for some (now long overdue) reflection.

Meanwhile, an interaction that doesn’t work as well is when Ruby comments on how freezing she is and Weiss notes that without proper equipment or aura insulation you can freeze to death in an hour. So... is that what the group is doing then? Wasting precious aura whenever they’re outside because Blake wants her arms unzipped, Weiss wants bare spots around her chest, and Yang needs to artistically keep one leg and one arm totally unclothed? The issue is not, “How does the group stay warm?” because plenty of stories have logistical questions like that and unless you’re a fan overly invested in the minutiae, you shrug it off. When is the group going to the bathroom during these endless missions? Who’s carrying pads for when three of them hit their periods at once? No one cares. Rather, the issue is that the writing draws attention to the question and then fails to answer it. Just like they did when suddenly death via cold was something that had to keep them in the creepy town when death via cold was never a concern up until then. Where was hypothermia when Yang insisted Ozpin hash out all his secrets in the snow? It’s a rather convenient ‘Sometimes it’s an issue, sometimes not,” situation. Obviously aura isn’t doing much to keep them toasty though if Ruby feels the need to comment on how cold she still is. And that attention then invites further questions like, “Why then are they still dressed inappropriately for the weather? Should we expect them to fall more quickly in battle because aura is going towards making sure they don’t freeze to death in under an hour?” Better to just leave it alone.

Talk of the cold leads into Oscar though because Yang comments, “I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving Oscar behind.” Which... no. You did leave him behind. Don’t try to make that palatable with stupid upsides like, ‘Well at least he’s warm!’ Worse, the group does nothing to justify that decision. Realistically I can buy why they’d leave Oscar out of this mission. We’ve established that this particular grimm has already taken out a lot of people and, without Ozpin, Oscar is still a newbie fighter. With the exception of the train and one grimm in the premier, I don’t think Oscar has fought many grimm at all. So really, it would take two sentences to establish this. Tell us that this mission is way out of his skill range and throw out that he’s training with Ironwood or something. That’s it. That’s all it takes, but the writing bypasses that and leaves us with, ‘The group left Oscar behind... for reasons?’ Which, in the context of his entire time with them looks really, really bad. Because they left him out of the dinner in Haven. And the hunt for supplies at the farm. And in retrieving the relic. And left him alone at the Argus house. And left him out of the upgrade joy. We’ve now established a trend of the group outright ignoring Oscar, whether it’s during bright celebratory moments or agonizing traumatic ones. Doesn’t matter, he’s left out of the loop, and now we see the same thing happening here. Rather than a simple and logical, ‘Oscar isn’t ready to fight a super old geist,’ what we’re left with paints the situation as, ‘Oscar is left behind because Ruby disagrees with him.’

Because without clarification, that’s the context. We get another (very short) flashback where he (thank you, thank you) points out that what they’re doing to Ironwood is precisely what Ozpin did to them. (Although Oscar tries to soften this by saying it only “feels like” the same thing.) Ruby looks guilty for a second... and then that’s it. We’re back to at least a day later where they’re on this mission, they’ve left Oscar behind, and Ruby is re-explaining why her morals are sound.

I’ll admit I’m pleased that Yang points out that they agreed no more lies and no more half-truths. I honestly didn’t expect her to say even that much against her precious sister. But still, on the whole this dilemma isn’t much of a dilemma at all. It’s reading precisely like the airship debacle: a few characters giving token disagreements but when push comes to shove whatever Ruby wants, Ruby gets. You know how above I pointed out how much I like the split present/past business so that we can have a balance between talking and action? Yeah, that only works if the talking is generic exposition. We don’t need a long-winded discussion about the details of this mission. We do need a substantial discussion about the absolute hypocrisy the group has fallen into. That split between past and present is important. Are you honestly going to tell me that over all these days---if not, arguably, weeks---the group never once had a conversation about this? That we don’t get to see that downtime filled with some actual growth? And we could have easily achieved that with the current setup. Extend Oscar’s flashback into something significant, leaving the geist battle for next week. Let him be angry for once, furious that after all the shit they put Ozpin through, and by extension him, they’re just going to turn around and do the exact same thing without even an apology? An acknowledgment that they were wrong? Or create space to have that discussion now. Harriet comes out of the mine saying a part of it has collapsed and they need time to clear it, giving Team RWBY the chance to really hash some things out and disagree for once. Instead, as expected, secret keeping is framed as the right decision without anyone but Oscar acknowledging the hypocrisy in that. They even go so far as to say, “Why don’t we play along for a while before me make any major decisions.” Newsflash:

Graphic design is my passion, all.

Overall it’s not quite as pro-protagonist as it could have been, but it’s not great either. We’re left with the fact that the group has this time sitting with their own lies and apparently, after all that, what they’ve settled on is denial. Great. Fantastic. I hope Oscar finds new friends at the Academy who encourage him to really call them out on this later.

We also learn that Ruby gave the relic back to Oscar. So the writing is self-aware enough for her to acknowledge that carrying it around on her belt is a horrendously bad idea, but not self-aware enough to keep her getting it back in the first place? Imagine you hired someone to transport a priceless painting to your super safe vault and then when it finally arrives you go, “Actually, you did such a good job getting that here I think it’ll be safer in your hands as you go about your life. Rather than the vault I specifically built for it.” Except the painting is a magic relic, the vault is also nearly impenetrable via magic, and the transporter is now a 14yo who, as established, is the weakest fighter of the group. For the love of Ironwood’s characterization, please let that relic be a fake.

Really, on the whole that moment could have been touching... but again, context. ‘Here’s the relic back that I basically stole and then ripped all Ozpin’s trauma from him by wasting an invaluable question.’ Yeah. All the while everyone is still talking as if Ozpin isn’t even there. Ironwood, in his ignorance, has been the one person to actually address him, despite the fact that the entire group knows he’s listening in. You know that feeling when you’re sitting with a bunch of people you’re not particularly close with and it’s clear they’re deliberately not including you in the conversation? Yeah, it’s like that only a thousand times worse. No wonder Ozpin still hasn’t tried to come out. No one cares about his vessel, they still actively hate him, and they’re all hypocritical to boot. I’d stay hidden too.

Anyway, back to the actual plot. Qrow has been paired off with Clover and at first we get a really excellent conversation about teamwork. We as the audience know precisely why Qrow prefers to work alone, but when he slips and Clover manages to catch him, it functions as a fantastic counter. See? Qrow might have bad luck, but this is precisely why he does need to be around others. They can help him when things get tough.

However, that message is severely undermined when it’s later revealed that Clover’s semblance is good luck.

Not only does that remove the previously stated wonderful message---because now it’s not about Qrow learning to accept help, it’s about how Clover’s semblance just conveniently cancels his out---it’s just an iffy stretch of my suspension of disbelief. Really? Out of all the people they could have met, that Qrow could have been paired with, he happens to find the one guy with the exact opposite semblance to him? Clover is an incredibly handsome and charismatic guy. He’s the leader of the strongest kingdom’s strongest team. He just happens to have the best version of Qrow’s greatest weakness. I know I said I wanted more passive semblances, but I would have preferred something other than this heavy-handed introduction.

Although... are they passive? I had to pause the episode for a moment when Qrow throws out, “sometimes I can’t keep it under control” because excuse me?? There are times you can keep it under control? Since when? How? I know we’re loose on our semblance rules here, but c’mon. Is Qrow’s entire life governed by a trait outside of his control or not?

We see a similar issue cropping up at the end of the episode when Harriet informs Ruby that there’s “something else” going on with her semblance. Look. RWBY isn’t Dragon Ball Z. The characters don’t need to tap into unheard of powers every season to keep things interesting. As Yang herself points out, Ruby already has super special silver eyes.

Her semblance is speed and transformation and transforming other people along with her. Weiss is already a super special Schnee with a super special hereditary semblance that creates glyphs and summoned fighters of whatever she’s killed. Blake is already a super special Belladonna with ties to the world’s biggest resistance group. Yang... okay, Yang is admittedly an ordinary girl with an ordinary background and that’s one of the things I still love about her. She grows stronger through more training, better strategy, and turning any weaknesses into strengths---like her arm. It’s so much more powerful to give characters that kind of arc than to fall back on, “[gasp!] You were secretly special all along.” So who knows what else they’re going to add to Ruby’s semblance. Whatever it is, it’s not needed.

I will say though that semblance issues aside, I’m liking the Ace Ops way more than I thought I would. Given that introducing five more characters was, objectively, a bad move. But they’ve got real personality attached to them. I appreciated that Clover thanked Qrow for the save (they could have made a guy that ‘perfect’ way more arrogant) while the rest spent a good portion of the time teasing RWBYJNR like they’re little siblings. Which I adored. For the first time in volumes we got to see our heroes portrayed exactly as they are: teens in training. Nora says that it “feels like we’re an actual huntsmen team,” acknowledging that they’re not yet. They’re the students following the professionals, helping out without getting in the way. It stood out to me that the geist fight is identical to the one we got in Volume Four, with the exception that it’s way, way better. They come up with Jaune’s strategy to remove the limbs in an instant, rather than taking the entire fight trying and failing to do damage. I don’t think a single member of the Ace Ops took a hit, despite the fact that this geist was a huge threat to the rest of the Atlesian army. Like Team RWBY at times, there was seamless communication, perfect execution, and the one time they made a mistake? Ruby was there to help them out. I really appreciated that the writing had RWBYJNR sit this one out until their particular skills---in this case Ruby’s speed---was actually needed, as opposed to an arrogant, ‘How dare you not let us fight!’ where they endanger themselves and others by insisting that they know best.

This is the RWBYJNR I want to see more of. Ozpin remains a huge, glaring issue, but if the writer’s can keep this sort of attitude in mind we’ll be making good strides away from the horror that was Volume Six. No more, “We don’t need adults,” please. As a bunch of adults just demostrated, they’re way out of your league.

Finally, we end the episode on Tyrian again. Showcasing RWBY’s new love of horror tropes, he appears beneath the flickering lamp light (complimenting the jump scare we got with Blake earlier on). He approaches Forest, the activist from the airship, and we end with Tyrian’s tail coming his way. Did he just poison him? Did he kill him? What’s the end goal here? Just sow chaos by leaving a bunch of bodies lying around? It’s unclear, but whatever is going on, Tyrian sure is busy.

Also, RIP #FRWBY.

Until next week!

Minor Things of Note

I like that Jaune and Blake both looked at their hair before we cut to them with new looks. Still not over Jaune’s style though. He’s french fry head now and no one will convince me otherwise.

It looks like Blake’s blade has been welded back together with a bit of yellow something-or-other...

Bad execution on an otherwise cool introduction to Marrow’s semblance. That was epic how he managed to stop both centipede grimm at once, but then Harriet just... slams them? Awkwardly? They don’t even disintegrate? Idk. Her end of that team attack didn’t live up to Marrow’s.

Team JNR has a very “headfirst approach.” True enough. Although, it’s not like they had an easy way to stop like their Ace Operative teammates. They did the best they could under the circumstances lol.

Jaune also has a landing strategy! I would have rather the writing just acknowledge that than give us that weird moment with Pyrrha’s fabric.

Not sure if I like Qrow’s new outfit or not. To be fair, that man would look stunning in a paper bag, so I’m not sure I’m an objective judge of any change here. Also to be fair, my own fashion ‘skills’ leaves something to be desired. So I think I’ll just bow out of this particular conversation.

#rwby #rwby volume 7 #rwby volume 7 spoilers #mymetas #rwby recaps

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scriptatur · 5 years

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Scriptatur’s TSB Masterpost

Okay, so... I did the thing. It worked way better than I expected, so thanks to everyone who read my story and cheered on me!

This is my bingo card. I did all 25 fills in one story, which means that I’m gonna link the chapters underneath the cut and the whole story here :)

Also the whole story is very much #everyone is poly because avengers. It’s a wild mix of pepperony, stony, winteriron, stucky, eventual stuckony and some iron husbands in between. It’s also very fluffy and nothing hurts (mostly). Basically, it’s what I needed after watching Endgame.

Oh also I don’t think I got my bingo badge yet? Or the blackout one ^^

Summary:

"Waking was- surprising. He woke up slowly, like drifting through mist or sirup or- something. He was kind of confused, if he is being perfectly honest. Confused about his own metaphor, a bit, but mainly confused by the fact that he was, well, waking up. That was not something he’d expected to do, after all."

When Tony Stark wakes up after the final battle against Thanos, he decides that there will be nothing more that stands between himself and happiness. He goes home with Pepper and Morgan and it doesn't take long for Steve and Bucky (and other (ex-)avengers) to follow. Basically, this is the fix-it that I needed. It's very self indulgent and mostly fluff.

Title: Chapter 1 Square: R1 Reunion Warning: none Pairing: Tony and Rhodey, Tony and Morgan Summary: Tony wakes up after the last battle against Thanos. It’s not what he expected. Link: AO3

Title: Chapter 2 Square: K3 It wasn’t worth it Warning: none Pairing: pre-Stony Summary: Steve apologizes. It all works out pretty well. Link: AO3

Title: Chapter 3 Square: K4 Laughter Warning: none Pairing: Pepperony, Tony and Morgan Summary: Pepper is here. And Morgan demands attention. Link: AO3

Title: Chapter 4 Square: R4 Tony/ Rhodey/ Pepper Warning: none Pairing: Tony/ Rhodey/ Pepper Summary: Tony is finally allowed to go home. Pepper and Rhodey are with him. Here will be kissing. Link: AO3

Chapter 5 is not a bingo chapter. Steve comes to say goodbye before bringing the stones back. He stays for dinner.

Title: Chapter 6 Square: T5 Dancing Warning: none Pairing: Stony Summary: Steve comes to visit Tony. There’s more kissing. Polyamory negotiations are important. Link: AO3

Title: Chapter 7 Square: R5 Music Warning: none Pairing: Stony Summary: Steve insists on taking Tony on a date. Tony wishes the evening would never end. Link: AO3

Title: Chapter 8 Square: S1 Dark Warning: none (well, slight angst, but only a tiny little bit.) Pairing: Stony, Pepperony Summary: Steve has to leave. Tony is sad. Pepper comes back and makes it better. Link: AO3

Title: Chapter 9 Square: T2 AU: Reincarnation Warning: none Pairing: Stony, Pepperony, Pepper/Natasha Summary: Steve comes back. With Natasha. Sam and Bucky are on babysitting duty. Link: AO3

Title: Chapter 10 Square: T3 Hot water Warning: none Pairing: Stony Summary: Tony helps Steve with his injuries. It’s all very fluffy. Link: AO3

Title: Chapter 11 Square: A1 Apology Warning: none Pairing: Tony and Bucky Summary: Sam, Bucky and Morgan are baking cupcakes. Bucky apologizes and there’s hugging. Link: AO3

Chapter 12 is not a bingo chapter. It’s mostly fluff and Steve being insecure.

Chapter 13 is not a bingo chapter. Tony is surrounded by a bunch of idiots (but he loves them very much). Also, there’s a phone call.

Chapter 14 is not a bingo chapter. Clint comes to see Natasha. Steve is very much in love with Tony.

Title: Chapter 15 Square: S4 New team Warning: none Pairing: Stony, Pepperony, Pepper/Natasha, (not really) unrequited Stucky Summary: There’s a new normal. Tony and Steve talk about Bucky. Link: AO3

Title: Chapter 16 Square: T1 Bucky Barnes/ Winter Soldier Warning: none Pairing: Tony and Bucky, pre-Winteriron Summary: Tony starts paying more attention to Bucky. They talk. Link: AO3

Title: Chapter 17 Square: T4 Picture of Tony standing in front of the cave Warning: none Pairing: Tony and Bucky, pre-Winteriron Summary: Tony takes a look at Bucky’s arm. They talk about Siberia und Afghanistan. Link: AO3

Chapter 18 is not a bingo chapter. Tony takes Bucky to bed and there’s cuddling.

Title: Chapter 19 Square: A5 Wolf Warning: none Pairing: Tony and Bucky, pre-Winteriron Summary: Tony helps Bucky realizing that he can to whatever he wants. No more fighting. Link: AO3

Chapter 20 is not a bingo chapter. Tony, Steve and Bucky have the relationship talk. It doesn’t go as expected.

Title: Chapter 21 Square: K1 Asexuality Warning: none Pairing: Stuckony Summary: So, Bucky might be ace. There’s cuddling. Link: AO3

Chapter 22 is not a bingo chapter. It’s mostly fluff and cuddling (with Morgan this time).

Title: Chapter 23 Square: A2 Phobia Warning: none Pairing: Stuckony, Tony and Morgan Summary: Tony, Bucky, Steve and Morgan enjoy a day at the lake. Tony still doesn’t like swimming. It’s fine, Steve loves it. Link: AO3

Title: Chapter 24 Square: R2 Sharing clothes Warning: none Pairing: Stuckony Summary: They’re all wet after their day at the lake. Steve loves seeing his boyfriends in his clothes. Link: AO3

Title: Chapter 25 Square: S3 Accidental villainy Warning: none Pairing: Stuckony, Clint and Bucky Summary: Tony asks Clint to talk to Bucky. It helps. Link: AO3

Chapter 26 is not a bingo chapter. Tony realizes that he misses Peter. He calls Happy. Morgan is the best moral support one could ask for.

Title: Chapter 27 Square: S5 Iron Dad Warning: none Pairing: Tony and Peter Summary: Tony calls Peter. Link: AO3

Chapter 28 is not a bingo chapter. Peter comes to visit. There will be cookies and cuddles.

Title: Chapter 28 Square: A3 Free Warning: none Pairing: Tony and Peter Summary: Peter comes out as trans. He’s very nervous and Tony is definitely in dad mode. Link: AO3

Chapter 30 is not a bingo chapter. Tony and Peter talk about being Spiderman while being trans. They think about ways to improve the suit.

Title: Chapter 31 Square: R3 Picture on Tony in his workshop Warning: none Pairing: Tony and Peter Summary: They work on Peter’s new suit. Then there are more guests. Link: AO3

Title: Chapter 32 Square: S2 AU: Cyberpunk Warning: none Pairing: Tony and Nebula, Peter and Nebula, Iron Husbands, Tony/ Rhodey/ Pepper Summary: Peter tries to explain to Nebula what a cyborg is. Tony’s mostly just happy to see her and Rhodey. Link: AO3

Title: Chapter 33 Square: K3 Friday Warning: none Pairing: Tony and Nebula, Tony and Friday Summary: Tony and Nebula talk. Nebula has a new dad now. Link: AO3

Title: Chapter 34 Square: K5 Zombie Warning: none Pairing: Nebula and Peter and Morgan, Tony/ everyone Summary: The kids play games. The adults cuddle. Link: AO3

Title: Chapter 35 Square: A4 Cinderella Story Warning: none Pairing: Tony/ everyone Summary: They watch Cinderella. Peter has some interesting thoughts about the movies. It’s all very fluffy and sweet. Link: AO3

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afrocentric-divination · 6 years

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Afro’s Card Interpretation

This is a tarot and oracle interpretation for @floatingontheground . I put a star next to that one position that you said flubbed you up, so if you want to just scroll to that part you can. Also, unless the position only had one card, I also bolded the card names so you can quickly see what each card means. Hopefully, with everything together including that one position, you’ll be able to get the big picture.

Thank you for allowing me to interpret your cards, love!

What you want: Temptation is a given. You wish for someone to be exciting, You want your relationship to be exciting. You wish for adventure, for continuous lust. You pretty much you wish for this other person to make you the center of attention and to always be doing things to gain your attention, even after they already have it. You wish to feel like a high schooler too, or at least experience young love. Have butterflies in your stomach and to always get a giddy feeling when you guys hang out. To sneak out and go somewhere private and then come back and act like nothing. The fun, the excitement, and kind of love that never feels like it's getting old, but with a heightened need for touch. On top of that, you also don't want to be lusted after so much that you are put on this pedestal (The reversed aspect of the card). You want the person to want you but not because of what you look like but for the content of your character. For your mind and how you carry yourself. You are more than what you look like on the surface and if you are to be in a relationship with someone they need to understand that they need to get to know you for you. 5 of Swords talks about defeat and the feeling you get when someone does the complete opposite of what you want. Or when they do what everyone has been doing for some time know when they get to know you. They spark up a conversation and quickly get to talking about your appearance. Its the same thing all the time, and it's annoying you and making you want to that relationship you want even more.

What you need: You need someone to build with you even out of the relationship or from a platonic standpoint (3 of Pentacles) and you need someone to show you the silver lining in everything (5 of Water). You tend to get distracted by the thing that doesn't matter the most, the thing you lost in the past, the things that have hurt you. You wish thing could be different and you end up not only getting lost in your thoughts but your emotions. Thinking about that one thing that happened years ago can turn your whole day around. While this person can't change you, they can encourage you to change. You need someone who is encouraging no matter what they. You need someone who realizes that you will bring yourself down a lot, and it's not because you want to be sad all the time, it's just how you are.

What you deserve: You deserve someone who can make up their mind (2 of Pentacles reversed) and you deserve someone who's got some spunk to them. A fire in their eyes, a life to live. Excitement is coming back up with this card (Ace of Fire) and it just shows that while you may not live a boring life, you wish for something a little bit more than what you deal with on an everyday basis. If his life ain't exciting, if he doesn't have anything going for himself, if he doesn't have a plan for himself and eventually a plan for the 2 of you, then he's not what you deserve. You need ambitions, a purpose, or at least an idea of one. Someone to match the work ethic you have (Cause it can be tiring being the only one doing all the working and then not having someone to relate to about working as hard as you do).

Inner obstacle: This one is also self-explanatory. You keep fighting with yourself. You may have been presented with some really good potential people to start a relationship with, but your so used being let down that you usually talk yourself out of whatever that being started between you and the other person. To get what you wish for you have to let your guard just a little bit. Stop talking yourself out of dates and out of getting to know someone and do it just to see where it goes. Just because someone isn't the right one for you doesn't mean it is the end of the world. You're used to saying no but you take it to heart when you have to say no. Learn how to say no and be ok with it. No is a complete sentence. You should be confident in it and be able to walk away knowing you said just enough with that one word.

*Outer Obstacle: So let's start with the position and work our way down. This is the "outer obstacle." The obstacle that is not about you internally but about you outwardly. This can also not be about you and be even more "outer" than you think.

Now the Prince of Wands is also (I assume) the page of wands. Wands meaning action and high energy and prince (or page) meaning (in this case) a young person.

So you outer obstacle is people who can not commit to what they started. They are young or young-minded. They seem like they want a relationship with you but they always drop off and go to the next "best" thing or they may lose interest entirely. They are emotionally and energetically inept to handle a relationship let alone a relationship with you. This seems like it doesn't have anything to do with you, but this is about relationships and you decide who you want to put your energy into. Therefore, this is who you end up always gravitating towards. This is your type that you haven't shaken off yet. And until you learn how to steer clear of them, you will most likely always end up falling for these types of people. One way of avoiding another headache is to go back to the "what you deserve" position and look for some ambition. Do they see a future with you? What future do they have for themselves? If there is nothing planned out, not even their day to day and they're just out and about because then you need to leave them be. It's not worth it trying to start something with someone who cants start anything within themselves (whew chile!)

Overcoming inner obstacles: (I think you meant to put Queen of Earth) You have to be patient with yourself. Realize that you will jump to conclusions literally and end things prematurely because of your thoughts and emotions and your past. Learn to slow down and see where things will go. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself the fun of finding things out, regardless of the outcome is positive or negative. And even if things don't go the way you wished, try to have some fun while doing it. And when things drop, learn from it, go with the flow, and move on. Don't let your anxieties stop you from living your life. Get that d*** appointment, get kissed on, go on a date, and keep it moving.

And if you really don't want to give out your energy like that, still enjoy yourself. You can still talk to them all. You don't have to stay to yourself, because if you do you'll end up missing out on the person who is willing to be what you need, want, and deserve.

Overcoming outer obstacles: This is a very interesting card but it requires you to remember another aspect of the reading that keeps coming up

We tapped into the fact that you keep interacting and finding these people who aren't for you because you're attracted to the artificial energy and ambition they put out. And we also tapped into the fact that you turn to hold on to feel about your past not going the way you wished it to. To get over that, you have to stop thinking about what it is you wish for and just experience life, which is kind of on the same energy as the last position. But the twist is that be happy to have options. Acknowledge that you even keep bumping into people who at the time wish to be with you. This is not to say be grateful or to say that you should indulge in all of them, but that your energy is big enough and powerful enough and full enough for others to want to get a taste. It should be a compliment that so many people take interest in you so quickly. Instead of paying attention to the fact that they leave, pay more attention to fact that they come to you and that you always have options, whether you choose one or not.

Something to embrace that will help you manifest: Once again, ignoring the bad and the ugly and embracing a different viewpoint You gotta put to the side everything you don't like and find new things to look forward to, to get excited about. Being upset about what you don't have is going to be never-ending because there will always be something that you'll never have. Practice abundance and the law of attracting by only looking about what you appreciate and like (or even love) and ride off of that positive energy as much as you can.

Overall, I'm getting that your cards are just telling you that you can't put your life on hold all because your life isn't picture perfect or isn't going according to plan. Go out anyway. Talk to them anyway. Experience who you are with them anyway. Life is meant to be lived, not controlled. Eventually, love will come to you when you most need it, and the more you open yourself up to others the better the chance you'll meet them when you're not even paying attention.

For others who might want interpretations, I don’t mind doing them but I charge as my time and energy are very valuable to me. If you're interested in getting a second opinion from me, DM or PM for details 🖤

🔮 – PRICES - PAST READINGS - PAYPAL - VENMO - CASHAPP - FACTS & TERMS – 🔮

#tarot #divination #tarot reader #witch #afroreadings #long posts #interpretation

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galimatios · 5 years

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sci fi ya au musings from twitter thread mostly nts

maybe i do want to write YA science fiction ya with gay and all my favorite self indulgent tropes and also plugsuits

I HATE MYSELF I IMMEDIATELY HAVE SCENES IN MY HEAD . ITS BEEN TWO GODDAMN SECONDS. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO THESE CHARACTERS ARE YET tjinking about those rooms in that one ep of black mirror where youcan program jt tk show whatever you want on the walls. maybe projection of virtual reality vs reality as a major motif. simulations and distance... long distance relationships during a war in space action too... have to think about an enemy but maybe we rag on capitalism a littlle maybe some conglomerate is fighting a proxy war using aliens vs the govt the protags are in the military for theme.. war sucks bye but also theres dynamics i want

UM I CAN PUT BIG MECHA INNNNNNNN YEAHHHH anyway i want 2 loyal dog dynamics to juxtapose w eachother + platonic soulmate type protag duo, best friends , one girl one boy, theyre both equally important, some SHIT happens and theyre forced on different sides at some point one loyal dog is treated well, like an equal, will follow x to the end of the world the other is Not treated well. i want to explicitly make that relationship abusive so i can point at it in the text itself and have other loyal dog be like , that's not love. abandoned loyal dog gets adopted by main duo, ends up in a relationship w one of them (whichever one makes it gay), im ship girl with side character who inspires tf out of her, sort of like. theyre competitive and the side character is light years more skilled but girl wants the challenge, wants the chase, is fueled by the prospect of catching up so "wait for me" LAYS DOWN NONE OF THESE CHARACTERS HAVE NAMES OR DESIGNS OR ANYTHING BUT IM ALREADY ATTACHED TO THESE CONNECTIONS mc pair: one techy soft boy nerd who just wants to protect his family so thats why he agreed to help develop/operate tech bc he thinks this is how he can help headstrong pilot ace girl who has no one but wants to prove herself and make a name for herself so she'll be remembered she wants to win glory for herself and comes off as super confident but actually she's just. asuka evangelion except she doesnt crash and burn so bad bc she has the boy who sees thru it, you dont have to try so hard probably happens after a fight where she's reckless hes not one to get mad but this time he's pissed bc she was exceptionally close to dying, yells at her, why do you keep trying so hard to die kinda snaps her back to reality he wants her to rely on him more bc that's what hes here for anyway loyal dog defects from enemy + meets this pair after other loyal dog suggests he joins the crew, tech boy is kind to Everyone but loyal dog FORMERLY AN ASSASSIN ???????? TYPE?? SNIPER?? develops baby crush girl sips her drink :3c

I HAVE TO THINK MORE ABOUT THEM BC OH NO THEYRE CUTE but girl is chasing after some nb femme prodigy who she's rivals with and admires for more than just her skill theyre both emotionally constipated idiots tho so its like. (hand touch) thats enough for 100 years there is. so much tension. and prodigy seems so perfect on the outside but is actually in some kind of super strict fucked up program bc of her skill, and she hated it and is suffering ace pilot is the one to barge in headstrong and fuck everything up and get her out of there girl believes prodigy is amazing. really. incredible. a part of her feels like she'll never catch up . but even so watching prodigy walk into the unknown unflinchingly resolute ... it's both sad in a way bc she's being left behind but also she wouldnt have it any other way bc she thinks forward is the only way prodigy should be facing. its what inspires her. that strength ... h they definitely settle down together in the future tho bc i need ththattt

"when this is all over" said the prodigy, "come find me" this is so self indulgent anyway plotwise once both the govt and the enemy r revealed to be equally bad the main cast defect to a revolutionary group. they will Not win within the span of the novel but theyll have a small victory, very les mis one day more flavored, and even if they did not win they stood for something they believed in, did something to try and tell the truth... also i need more of a cast so i can kill characters off nice now all i have to do is fill all this in with world building and action and stuff and ill have a novel so many sci fi things have done the 2 pilot mind sync emotional thing right so if i do the same thing no one knows if i took it from one franchise or another i need to twist it around a little but i may have ideas haha i can. totally make this a part of my fucking huge sci-fi au really wanna call main girl lane and main boy khemrin . .. i cant unsee the girl as rey flavored so shes ending up w red hair and irish, but boy is SEAsian with a huge family, loyal dog who defects is african, prodigy is asian, other loyal dog feels south american prodigy... astrid is her real name but she may have a codename fsr? idk why i feel it. icarus? assassin defector... something that starts with an o or a d other loyal dog... i need to think but i also need to figure out the personalities of their respective pairs inserts minh as evil one. done. maybe mephis adjacent character for the... no mephis doesnt care abt anyone BUT hed be a great side character OH god what if au jonah and ambrose oh boy. FUCK jonahs probably there for some special task bc hes. attuned to some shit idk

I GUESS IM GONNA DEVELOP AMBROSE MORE ive only written him as a young adult but as a teen hes angry and rebellious and got drafted, ended up being a simple foot soldier but he meets jonah and a lot changes jonah's there on top secret bullshit, same program as astrid definitely has some shit to do With Experiments. astrid has enhanced eyesight/coordination on top of being an ace combat pilot, i think jonah might be able to open up warp gates or limited pocket space mephis is evil scientist who doesnt care abt casualties

I'm thinking about unnamed pilot lesbians and i am. enamored immediately holy shit god they're both so goal oriented and focused but once the fighting is finally over they finally allow themselves to embrace the intensity of their emotions for eachother and i am fucking perishing they were essentially raised as child soldiers so it's this clumsy process of trying to figure things out for the first time, this kind of innocent but intense and blooming love between two hardened soldiers, the years of war coming away when they're together for the first time actually fuck i did name them but i'm still not sure about ace pilot girl? i want to name her lane or something monosyllable, maybe i'll revamp raine and make her this oc instead... either way i'm just. ugh. UGH. FUCK. holy shit they love eachother so much

I"M GETTING REALLY FUCKED UP ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF THE PRODIGY (ASTRID) DYING IN THE LINE OF DUTY or well at least goes missing, presumed dead but raine just... doesn't believe it. astrid can't die. she's too amazing. there's no way fucking. huge disbelief. she refuses? raine going on a near suicidal self-appointed mission against commander's orders to rescue her, khemrin tries to hold her back but he can't, she' fucking gone speeding off on one of the fastest scouting ships she can hijack raine finding her alive but barely conscious in a damaged cockpit floating in space for who knows how long, raine unable to open the hatch and get to her but anchors her ship to hers, NOT EFFECTIVE BUT HER ONLY REAL CHOICE w/o compromising the air seal. makes the journey back astrid barely makes it to the space equivalent of a truck stop (unaffiliated) and raine calls for backup in panic and tries her best to tend to astrid's wounds an feed her and she's fucking PANICKING but trying so hard to keep it together astrid wakes up and raine's crying i don't have anything specific its just really soft and raine never Does this god when they meet again after the war, raine running her fingers over the scar left from astrid's helmet shattering h raine in a tux and astrid dressed like a princess and raine kissing her shoe sorry im gay bye

#notes

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eloarei · 7 years

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Tagged by @chocochipbiscuit to post my current WIPs. Thanks, Choco! (lol this is going to be self-indulgent and painful XD;) (As with Choco, I also have more bits and blobs and ideas than I know what to do with, but I’ll focus on the ones that have a remote chance of ever getting finished.) Active WIPS (I have at least opened the document in the past month and I honestly intend to finish them this year.) In order of recently modified: OP CM BB -- "One Piece, Cobymeppo, Beauty&Beast" I mean, it's kind of what it says on the tin: it's vaguely a Beauty and the Beast AU. (Factoid: this is at least the 3rd or 4th fanfic I've written based on friggin' B&B. It's my favorite fairytale and I'm weak.) Currently at 12.5k (when did that happen?!) out of, I dunno, 18k? I honestly never intended to write this. It just sort of happened-- and kept happening, which is the weird part. I'm liking it though. Factoid #2: there are a lot of dogs in this fic. JD LLW -- "Jak and Daxter, Love Like Winter" 100% inspired by the AFI song, I won't lie. I've been meaning to write this for at least 7 years. I have a lot of thoughts and headcanons about the Jak and Daxter series, and this incorporates my hardcore favorite: Daxter is a Precursor. It also uses a couple tropes I love: reincarnation cycles, and fated lovers. As with any song, I can't say what it's actually supposed to be about, but I always heard it as the story of, well, reincarnation and fated lovers. "I met my love before I was born", and then switching between he, she, and then back to he. The story became very vibrant in my head! And this format especially allows me the opportunity to explore Jak/Keira as well as Jak/Daxter, because while I'm not a huge fan of Jak/Keira, I don't like just ignoring canon if I can avoid it. Currently at 7k out of... maybe 20k? It was supposed to be a lot shorter, but I'm only on chapter 1 out of 3, so less than 15k is probably not happening. Factoid: I think a lot of people only know this series second-hand, so I feel the need to mention that Daxter does, in fact, have a human form. XD FO4NV -- "Fallout 4, Nick Valentine" A very creative document name! XD; The story will probably eventually be titled "Same Heart" unless I come up with something better. It's a Fallout4 AU(ish) centering around Nick having been recaptured by the Institute, getting a memory wipe, and then living there during the years when Shaun is being raised there. Eventually, he and kid-Shaun break out to explore the Commonwealth and try to find Shaun's parents. I swear it'll be a Nick/Nora story if I ever friggin' get to that part, but right now it's mostly a Nick&Shaun story. Currently at 30k out of, I dunno, 70k to 100k? It's on chapter 7 out of 17, I think. I have this one planned out pretty well chapter-by-chapter, so of all my fics it has the best chance of actually happening. (Aside from the length, which sort of counts against it. It was supposed to be shorter, but I apparently couldn't shut up.) I'm thinking about focusing on this one for my NaNoWriMo, since it has about 50k left to it. Factoid: I get more emotional about parental relationships than I do about romantic ones, despite the fact that I LOVE romance. Stories I write about parent-child relationships always end up being my favorite. BttF On Track -- "Back to the Future, On Track" The only one I've actually started posting. I feel bad because I meant to continue writing this through December and January, but I got lazy and distracted, so it didn't happen. The season is just about right to jump back into it though (Fall is a more BttF season for me), so I HOPE to finish it this year. Currently at 18k (holy shit, seriously?) out of probably 30k. Chapter 3 (out of 6 well-planned chapters) is aaalmost done, but I might have to go reread some of IrisBleuFics stuff to get back into the mood of it. (Or maybe Rae's or Edgebug's.) Factoid (actually a question) : does anyone else have seasonal fandoms? Inactive WIPs (there are lots of these, so I'll put them under a cut for you. Still, these are only the ones I’ve worked on in the past year. Again, from most- to least-recent.)

HP GOtG -- A silly Harry Potter/Guardians of the Galaxy fic I have like a page of. I was mentally explaining the concept of fanfic to someone and this... happened.

HPCM Ways to Live -- Another One Piece Cobymeppo fic, and AU (or UA) about if Luffy had never met Coby in ep.1 and skipped right over to kick Morgan's ass in Shells Town. tldr Coby and Helmeppo become pirates.

FFXV parents AU -- I was REALLY into this one for a while, got a couple thousand words and a good plot outline on it. It's Final Fantasy 15 AU (or, as usual, a UA) in which Noctis is only a baby when the empire attacks, and teenage Ignis and Gladio have to run away with him, and end up raising him on their own. I 100% intend to finish this one, but it's not top priority at the moment.

A modern prometheus -- A magical-world retelling of Frankenstein. Probably gay.

FO4 WFM-- "Fallout 4, Waiting for magic" On the day the bombs drop, Nora's husband is still at war, while she's several months pregnant and working on her legal cases from home. Her friend Nick Valentine has come to give her some documents and check on her when they're suddenly ushered into the vault and frozen. AKA the romantic adventures of Nick and a heavily pregnant Nora out in the Commonwealth. (Inspired by an Ace of Bass song)

Fo4 Sky-- "Fallout 4, Skyrim" Basically a riff off the previous story, but not the same at all, somehow. Set in Skyrim, Nora is essentially sleeping beauty. Wait. Snow white? Er, yeah. Magically frozen in a coffin, yeah.

MEA Avi -- "Mass Effect Andromeda, Avi: a sci-fi ghost story" REALLY thought I was gonna finish this one, but I got distracted from MEA altogether. The story of Avitus Rix and his SAM unit, which has begun to think it is the late Macen Barro, its previous owner/partner, and Avitus' longtime boyfriend. Still can't decide how sad I want it, but it'll be pretty gloomy even if I go with a happy ending.

DCo side story AU -- A modern mini-fic about my DamselCo characters going on a double date, except Addisson and Hunter are both late so it's just Ellery and Isabelle being kind of awkward.

FFXV Dear Fellow Traveler -- AU, Prompto was raised in Niflheim and meets Noctis and the others on their (very long, winding) trip to Noct's engagement. Promptis, no war.

FFXV mermaid AU -- More Promptis. Noctis fishes up mer-person Prompto. They have adventures. Ignis has to go looking for Noctis later and meets mer-person Gladio.

OW Sagittarius -- Eheh, posted the first chapter of this in January and then just gave up. XD;;;; I feel so bad. An Overwatch teenage McHanzo AU, where Jesse is a centaur sold into slavery to the yakuza. Trained by the Shimada clan, he falls in love with the heir, Hanzo, who then helps him escape. Many years later, they meet again in Overwatch. I have a GOOD plot outline for this, so I really have no excuse for not finishing it. It's on the to-do list after the first few.

FFXV Firstborn son -- Question: is a person still consider a trans-person if they're born female, but both raised as and identify as male (because patriarchal bullshit)? If so: trans-Noctis, Promptis fic.

FFXV Mirror Sword Shield -- Yet another FFXV AU, obviously inspired by that one Coldplay song that I love. Hundreds of years ago, Noctis defeated the darkness, but was sealed away inside the crystal, only to return when he needed to do it again. Prompto, Ignis, and Gladio have trained as his guardians all their lives, for the slim chance that he does return. (I really like this idea, but if I write this one, it'll only be after I finish the other FFXV fics.)

OW BB -- Guess what? Another "Beauty and the Beast" fic, Overwatch flavored. Except it's really more like, "the beast and also another beast". McHanzo, of course, featuring a snarky dragon spirit that constantly taunts Hanzo about his guilt.

BttF Ashes -- Hot damn I gotta write this fic some day. I have a GREAT plot outline for it, following a chiptune song called Ashes. I love it, it makes me cry. It's a Back to the Future AU, about Doc dying when his house burns down. Years later, ghost-Doc teams up with Marty to finish the time machine, and then (spoiler alert) Marty goes back in time and saves Doc, pulling his corporeal self into the future ala The Mediator and they live happily ever after the end. XD

PacRim Redefined -- Another one I feel bad about, because I have posted most of what I have written, but I don't know if I'll ever finish it. It's a far-future semi-AU about Newt and Hermann. TBH it's one of my favorite fics I've ever written, but I'm a loser and can never finish anything. Hopefully next year??? I've got much of a plot outline, so.

Bttf Dino prompt -- Braincoins prompted me last year to write a fic about Marty and a dinosaur, and I started to! But then I had no idea where I was going with it, so I stopped a few pages in. ^^; I'd like to figure out an ending to it that isn't both boring and bleak.

Bttf Solving for X -- A series of short AUs about if either Doc or Marty (or both) were women. I'd like to maybe work on this one again sometime.

HxH AU Laughter Lines -- A Hunter x Hunter fic that makes me cry when I think about it XDXDXD Based on the Bastille song of the same name, it's an AU in which Gon is like... a tree nymph. A little hard to explain, it's a sad little Killugon fic, and it should be pretty short, so I ought to just sit down and write it one day.

BttF Thirst for Romance -- I love this idea! Why haven't I written it?! In his 30's or 40's, Marty is a nurse at a convalescent home/ hospice, where he meets Doc, who loves to tell wild stories. He tells Marty stories about adventures that the two of them had in the 80's and with time travel. Everyone assumes Doc is just very creative and lonely, and they love his stories. He and Marty become close, and when Doc passes away, he leaves his meager possessions to Marty, including a mysterious set of keys which unlock his old garage, and a strange old car inside... (Really want to write this one eventually!) (Based on the song of the same name.)

BttF Hell Valley -- A sad AU, taking place in the Hell Valley timeline from movie 2. Marty has run away from his abusive step-dad and finds himself living in Doc's garage. They're just two broken people trying to get by. Marty wants Doc to run away with him, someplace far away, but Doc has a better idea, if he can get it to work. (Inspired by the song Fast Car, the sad-sounding Jonas Blue version. "You got a fast car. Is it fast enough so we could fly away?")

BttF SG fusion -- and last and possibly least, yet another BttF AU, but a fusion with Steins;Gate, because time travel is not complicated ENOUGH, I have to make it WORSE. In this story, Marty is raised in the dystopian future with the goal of going back to the past to kill Doc Brown before he can create time travel. I liked the idea a lot, but to be honest I think I even confused myself with it. I'd sort of like to keep writing it, but it'll take a lot more effort than I can foresee me wanting to put in any time soon. Tagging: (if I can remember which of my friends write) um... @braincoins, @nomadsky, and, uh... I know that more of you are writers, so just... take it and pretend I tagged you!

#elo talks #long post #elo fics #holy jeez this is long #I have a LOT of WIPs you guys #tag meme #lol I spent hours on this XDl

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sobdasha · 5 years

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booking continued!!

All Systems Red (Murderbot Diaries), Martha Wells This book was exactly as advertised to me (with two choice pics of pages as quotes), except better. If you, like me, identify with robots and A.I. because you are salty and ace and hate people and being social and would rather just sit around binging Netflix, Murderbot gets you. My only sadness is that the library doesn't have the second book, so for the sake of Not Having Really Weird Preconceived Notions (I inevitably started reading a lot of series as a child from the second book and not being able to get my hands on the first book until much later in the series, and let me tell you, it's just…it's never quite the same after……) I stopped reading after #1. But it's pretty clear I won't regret buying these even without a pre-read so it's only a matter of time. (I am holding out for now for possible omnibus, tho)

The Broken Earth Trilogy, N. K. Jemisin Honestly I put this trilogy on my to-buy list before I even finished the first book, and I stand by that decision. I marathoned these very heavily, partly because my library holds all came in at the same time and suddenly I had like 5 books in the house that I needed to read because I couldn't renew them and there were a lot of people after me so I'd have to wait forever for another chance, but mostly because they were very engaging and I had a hard time putting them down! Or else an easy time just……not……pausing… I'm doing these very belatedly so I've read more of Jemisin's stuff and I think part of what is so compelling is first of all, the writing style is beautiful and gorgeous and exactly what I look for in a story. And second of all, it reminds me of all the good things about fanfic. I'm invested in all of the characters, complex and shitty as they are, except for the ones who aren't getting any redemption and are fair game for hate. The writing style is "current" (I didn't realize this was such a thing, but as I'm reading more I'm realizing I've gotten very accustomed to a certain flavor in writing, which older works do not have, having as they do their own current-at-the-time trends that I have not submerged myself in. There's stuff I grew up with that feels ~classic~ to me, but there's plenty of stuff that just does not). Present tense for the win. Jemisin throws in things like "We started out hating each other but now we've married the same husband together so I guess we're emotional support spouses to each other who don't like to have sex together but each greatly enjoy watching our husband lay the other spouse aaaaand we're all raising a baby together??" and "This doctor seemed like a perfectly adult young man until I realized he's pining for me and I'm in my 40s and he's 15 years my junior which makes him basically a baby uggghhhhh but also the world is ending and I'm tired and I shouldn't but oh well I gave in and slept with this in-his-late-20s baby" and I love it???? I am WELL KNOWN for not being here for sex or romance but like this…is intimacy…so I've been won over. Also I fell in love the instant that Jemisin dropped into second person pov, because second person is ~amazing~ when it's done properly and Jemisin not only knows that but she's a master. (I will confess, I cried betrayal towards the end of the first book when it was revealed that the second person was actually first-person-in-disguise. BUT LET ME TELL YOU, I was so wrong to feel betrayed. This wasn't a cheap "fooled you" trick, this was Jemisin wielding the tools of writing to the absolute fullest of her ability to weave the tightest possible narrative and it pays off. Let me go find a hat so I can take it off to Jemisin.) The last page of the first book tho!!!!!!!!! *Clock Town theme suddenly starts playing* I died but it was so worth it. Also it should tell you how amazing Jemisin's writing is that I, who am usually just here for escapism, who doesn't want books that are Too Real (unless they're also funny so they're hilarious in addition to being painful) or too grimdark and gritty in content, loved these books and couldn't put them down. They weren't self-indulgently dark, they were dark for a reason, but they weren't humorous and there's racism and slavery and rape and other atrocities in abundance and you figure out pretty quickly "anyone who lives to the end will have to be counted as an optimistic, happy ending for relative values of 'optimistic' and 'happy' and I'm honestly not sure how many characters will make it that far." But I want to read them over and over again and I want to strongly recommend them to all of you!

The City in the Middle of the Night, Charlie Jane Anders I don't know how I feel about this one? I think for me this one would benefit from a reread, to see if that makes it feel any stronger as a narrative. And also because it was kind of a perfect storm of having: a writing style/tone I didn't care for, especially coming off of the Broken Earth trilogy that was to me Peak Writing Style, I misjudged the entire plot from the summary on the back and spent the whole time going wtf. With this one, I did not have that can't-put-it-down urge. I wasn't unhappy when I was reading it, but I also didn't crave to pick it up and sit down for a while with it. I wasn't terribly invested in any of the characters, even though Sophie is the sort of YA heroine I would have appreciated reading in earlier years (think The Woman in the Wall, which I remember only vaguely but very persistently where the heroine nopes out of life, becomes a hermit in the house crawlspace, and when told she has to go to a costume party she's like "I'll be a moth because that is what my soul is" and gets presented with a letter-of-the-law lime-green luna moth costume and is like "THIS IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WANTED.") A pet peeve in this book: for absolutely no reason that I personally can see, the story is immediately framed as being A Very Factual Account From Sources. The reason it's a pet peeve to me is that when you try to logic out why disbelief should be suspended in a narrative…it automatically kills my suspension by calling attention to exactly why the narrative doesn't make any sense, plus the fact that your explanation? Doesn't fully cover the logic gaps. So I started off on the wrong foot here. (Years ago I had a creative writing teacher who told us for our assignment, we absolutely were forbidden to write about the zombie apocalypse. After demands for explanation, he relented: okay, we could write about the zombie apocalypse, but with one strict rule. We were not to explain in the story how the zombie apocalypse comes about. We had to start when it had already happened, with no explanation. He said that anything that had ever tried to stop to explain how the zombie apocalypse happened had been awful and poorly-done, so we just weren't allowed to do it. It seemed a bit harsh at the time, and of course blanket statements, but in retrospect I fully agree with his sentiment. Don't bog me down with details that detract from the actual story and also cause me to realize that your story is full of nonsensical holes.) The story also felt very...like I could see all the seams? It felt very contrived? Which--I mean--stories are! That's the entire point! But usually something smooths it out so I don't notice. Again, I'm not sure that was a technical problem, it might have just been me not preferring the tone and the style and honestly thinking I was reading a different plot. On the plus side this novel had a lot of disaster lesbians and as far as I remember it did a good job of showing rather than telling the nuances of the relationships in a book that overall had a more unsubtle, YA feel. Like you can tell that Sophie's relationship with Bianca is unhealthy before Sophie admits it to herself, even while Sophie's so very in love. That was the part I saw advertised, and the reason I put it on my book list, so it wasn’t like I didn’t get anything out of this.

#sobdasha booking #i'm doing this so behind #i'm one series of novellas and three books past these

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rexylafemme · 7 years

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take every wave

the following are notes i took from a tarot reading i gave myself earlier in the week. and what follows is a mix of excerpts from my personal written journal and addendum stuff as a result of transcribing:

· connect with what you know will make you happy

· don’t rely on old habits

· remember the good, but don’t dwell in the past or romanticize “the good old days” in a problematic way

· don’t be afraid of new experiences and the unknown

· happiness is fleeting, not constant. enjoy what you can, in the moment. nothing is a miracle cure, tho

· known joys. familiar and reliable

· comfort

· live in the present, accept current circumstances

· look back at the good for inspiration and transform the painful

· look at all you’ve endured and overcome: AND you are still kind, generous, loving

· heal. don’t focus on the negative

· positive memories of the past to influence the present and future

· inner child and child-like wonder; art!

· spiritual self/deep self/real self/authentic self

· children as role models

· open heart, pleasure

· the past with all its memories, the present with all its gifts, and the future with all its opportunities

· sharing. well-intentioned

· working through trauma from childhood: be patient and don’t be so hard on yourself

· it’s ok if your life doesn’t look quite as you expected yet—it doesn’t mean you’re not getting there --> faith

knight of cups

· many changes with emotional ups and downs

· moody, dreamy, sensitive, deep

· poetic, romantic, sullen, lone

· depression, escapism

· fiercely loyal

· be mindful of your moods and how you manage them. let them flow

· messenger

· active creative imagination

· feminine, emotional, intuitive: you use for your own good during quests

· charming, attractive, expressive of the romantic, poetic view of life in your own way

· in love with love itself

· use your emotions to provide a map for your life

· heart-focused --> inner direction, friendliness, warmth, love, and the need to share these qualities with everyone

· wisdom from dreams and pleasant experiences that can help you overcome obstacles

· direct your imagination into the real world

· idea --> action

· commitment

· explore your passions and grand dreams actively

· take proactive steps to achieve your goals, it’s possible

· don’t jump to conclusions or be incapacitated by your feelings—flow

· disappointment: situations that seemed exciting but turned out different and not what you expected: think of as redirection

ace of swords

· new challenges for the mind, rewarding challenges

· clarity and sharpness and focus

· converse, connect, write

· a new bird feels the wind and wants to try its wings; an age-old feeling

· trying out your knowledge and talents

· success

· balance intellect and emotions

· you have great power and drive: use it for the greater good and to benefit positively

· tap the potential

· insight and breakthroughs--> easier to achieve goals

· believe in yourself

· inner truth

· action and setting your mind to it

· inspiration and creative vision

· truth and justice

· defending yourself and others

· you have passion and are willing to fight and overcome challenges

· believe in your power and your visions and your imagination, act from it, claim and trust your truths

· patient, steady movement toward goals

· be thrifty and shrewd in your efforts

· financial security

· don’t be over-indulgent and luxurious, save

· pay attention to cash use, budget

· deep emotional insecurity below the surface --> toughness

· tenacious, ambitious, opinionated and somewhat unforgiving nature conceals a vulnerability that seeks solace in material possessions

i am so depressed now, as well as motivated. sleeping more, for once. but waking up tired, achey, sad and not wanting to get outta bed, but also feeling overwhelmed by what i want to do and accomplish, a drive to be very productive. having a hard time with working less and having a hard time just allowing myself to not be constantly ON and constantly productive, as if i don’t do enough. but i feel incapacitated by all i want to get done and by family processes. then guilt and shame, and why can’t i just snap out of it, while also trying to be gentle with myself. and honoring for once, too, that fall has always been an intense time of year: anniversaries and trauma experiences. i feel aimless and lost at times, suspended, but know intuitively and logically that i am not. i just am not in the present, i am anxious of what i am trying to achieve for the future, which is a slowed-down process right now due to my aunt’s illness. part of it is making the choice to really face sexual trauma stuff and relation stuff through therapy and my own processes, part of it is this process beginning lining up with the outpour on the internet and in mainstream in a public way, part of it is family, being in nyc, etc. charmed and cursed.

i’m not afraid of change, i want everything to change. i want a complete overhaul to challenge and break up everything from childhood that hurts and lives inside me in this way that i feel hinders me. to garner strength from it. i honor it. i don’t blame myself. i don’t want to save people. i want mutualism in everything.

my inner child is a sweet, loving, trusting force who believes in wonder and the good cores of people and who always just wishes those things to win out, hoping for change—that people can, that they won’t keep hurting you in the same way. it is at the core of family stuff, how i’ve always related, and also there is a lot breaking open, changing, healing there—in ways i could’ve never imagined. a sense that family is family. you have to forgive, love is bigger. but also, there are boundaries, and we are creating and respecting them. it’s truly great

i have everything i need at my disposal, i just need to see it and give it to myself.

help me be more humble, honest, compassionate. help me be more bold, but in an intuitive way. help me work through my pain and anger. help me be less defensive and more intentional. help me channel my feelings or express them through art, performance, and movement. help me communicate my emotions. help me be less self-conscious an more self-assured. help me be poised and graceful, full of gratitude and wonder and resilience. help me make good choices around food. help me listen to my body and treat it well. help me heal my body—physically, emotionally, sexually. help me allow myself to be cared for. help me appreciate the positive intimacy i have in my life that fulfills my needs and desires, and help me find more. help me acknowledge the pains and desires of my inner child and help me be kind and compassionate and loving with all parts of myself. help me forgive myself and take care of myself. help me learn. help me love myself unconditionally. i think i can do a lot of caring and loving and accepting the complexities and all facets of other people, care for them regardless, but struggle doing that fully for myself. i do it sometimes, but i would like to be better at it MOST/ALL of the time. not egotistical self-love. following up with the question from the performance piece i did to emerge, the question addressed to myself, but changing from ‘you’ to ‘i’: when did i decide i wanted to destroy me?

maybe first instances don’t solve the problem. i think we try to look for origins because then we might be able to make sense of it all. or we think it’s easier to “fix.” but it’s more complex than one beginning point. there isn’t one. there’s the intergenerational, there are the memories we don’t have access to, womb stuff, early early childhood. i don’t know. i guess it’s not about solving a riddle, coming to a conclusion, it’s about dealing with impact and feelings. i’m being unearthed. i am breaking shit open and being more understanding within it. owning my limitations. owning what i want, need, deserve around relation. realizing everything, the unearthing, the deepening, the asserting, has been really hard. really painful.

i want to manage my emotions as healthily as possible. i want to move past old responses. there’s no right way to deal with the drama of terminal illness, of family dynamics and transformations therein. i have the willpower and desire to move forward. i know what feels best: art, exercise, singing, moving, breathing, feeling. doing things for me. maybe a specific sadness just sinks into a more general sadness. the ocean of it. i want to get out of this place. sitting on the porch of the historic lefferts house in prospect park with the campfire, the smell of damp slightly chilly earth created a semblance of true october and a semblance of where i’d like to be. i’m tired of this city, i don’t want to be here, i don’t want to build here. and yet i do want to be present in my family. i forgive them all, everything, i do. i have always seen how deeply hurt they are, always have wanted to change that to help it. and i think i always have. denise said i was a gift to them, even if they didn’t know how to appreciate the gift fully. and i have figured out ways to engage in the healing process, while also stepping back and not taking it all on. i feel grateful that i can listen to them, that i can offer them comfort and help them see nuance, help them understand beyond their personal viewpoints, beyond their own pain. it feels like friendship. it feels like coming home and i don’t want to lose it.

i do and don’t want to speed up time because i know what will give me the freedom to move, gives me a great loss. a loved one’s death. maybe part of what hurts, too, is knowing i won’t be fully destroyed by it. i’ll keep going, even when i don’t want to. as with maureen. a lot of people using the word resilient to describe me lately, from summer to now. and i am maybe at times eye-rollingly tired of being strong. sometimes i want to collapse, to fall apart. i don’t want to be so capable. also the chosen family i have is spread out so far and that is hard and painful, too. i know it’s partially not allowing myself to be fully taken care of, partially from being used to always caring for myself, depending on myself since childhood, and partially because i know it is scary for me, feels like maybe i need too much or am sacrificing my own agency. i’m seeing it so clearly with my aunt, she’s holding on to her independence for dear life. i really respect her for it and it’s always been frustrating for me. i do seek a lot of support, or i have, in the last year, from my kin people. and it’s made all the difference. sonia sanchez said last week, “ one thing we do know is people do the best they can do.” it can often be very disappointing because it’s not the best we want them to do, but it’s what they can muster. we get caught up upset over not doing our own best, also. forgiveness and compassion are necessary.

i am so sad. so many things hurt and i can feel it in my body, my bones, joints, muscles, my heart, my stomach, my lungs, my chest. i’m exhausted. i experience joy and togetherness and sometimes they make me sad, too. beauty tugs at my heart. i’ve always been this way at times. i told an old therapist years ago that i was frustrated that the baseline in my life was melancholy. she said, “well, but of course, you’re a poet!” and i laughed resignedly.

when i met sonia sanchez last weekend, we hugged and she radiated warmth, actual physical warmth i could feel passing to my body. she thanked me for working the event. i thanked her for her work and her wisdom, told her it’s meant so much to me. she said her wisdom is “ebe yiye: it’ll get better,” i said, “that’s an important word of advice,” she said, “oh yeah, the only one. at 8am tomorrow, wherever you are, if you can’t scream it, mutter it under your breath—ebe yiye! it’ll get better.” i guess what makes me sad is i know it will, but at what cost. what grief we have to pass through, what wounds we have to tend to. it’s easy to contend with a physical wound, it’s exciting when you see them transforming from open, painful, bloody to scar, watching the scar fade, the pain fade. with losses, deaths, with emotional wounds, there’s a kind of guilt and sadness for getting over experiences, getting over people who are gone, for the losses to be experienced differently. i don’t know what that is, and that may not be universal. i know there’s something cultural to it for me. growing up in a poor irish/italian/lithuanian catholic situation. in which women especially are supposed to grieve forever. wear black forever. the women in my family didn’t wear black forever, but they did certainly hold the grief forever. we are so afraid sometimes of it getting better. because it means change, because we don’t know what it could look like. i think giving up the opportunity for better in service to known is the saddest thing.

#death #change #family #kin #friendship #love #pain #trauma #ancestry #hurt #scorpio season #tarot

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