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darkpoisonouslove · 3 years

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2020 in Words

After the total exhaustion and lack of motivation of the last few months, I have finally found the strength to review 2020. In terms of writing, that is. Otherwise, we ain’t touching that with a 100-foot pole. But anyway, let’s get to the actual good part of 2020 - the writing.

Word Count:

678, 105 words

And that isn’t actually all. I have started various things that 2021 caught still in progress so there are more words to be added to that number but I’ll count them towards whatever time frame I finish them in (I do not even dare assume that all of them will be finished this year).

A little over 1/7th of that word count was accomplished only in March when I wrote over 100k words. Wow, productivity where did you go? I know that the world is going to hell but do you mind coming back? I can use you. I have so many new ideas that I am really excited about but totally lack the energy to actually get to. Hope that will change in the next weeks because there is A Lot going on in my head that I am actually dying to share.

Fandoms:

Winx Club has totally taken over for me. I have barely written five works this year that are not about that show and I just don’t know what is happening anymore. I have so many thoughts and things to discuss and fix about it and I have a feeling that some upcoming events will only reinforce that position. But what truly matters is that it has truly made 2020 more bearable to be in the fandom and write fic. The interactions with other fans have been lovely which is totally worth the brain damage that some experiences over this show have inflicted.

Once Upon a Time lurked until about the half of the year but I can’t say that I have been actively interested in it. I just rewatched 4A for the Frozen Swan interactions and 4B for Cruella De Vil and that was pretty much all of it this year. I think it’s safe to say that at this point I have more or less moved on from the show and I do not expect a miraculous comeback to it. Which leaves my rewatch dangling over the chasm of uncertainty but I have projects I am far more interested in rn to be thinking about that.

I actually joined the Lucifer fandom this year, though I cannot say that I am active in it at all. It was nice to challenge myself with the small contribution I made to the fanworks in the fandom so I am putting it here because I am not done with watching the show even though I don’t think I have a good enough grasp on any of the characters in order to actually write them.

Ships:

Well, 2020 definitely delivered on that front. I have found myself piles of new ships to ship the hell out. Some I am more grateful about, others leave me slightly bitter over not knowing what to do with them but it certainly hasn’t been boring. Because this is my wrap-up and contemplation, I get to list them and maybe say a couple of words about some of them.

Griffin x Valtor - Not new but it was definitely the biggest part of that year.

Griffin x Valtor x Faragonda - New in the sense of me having written a fic about this now... and having several more ideas on my drives so... beware, future!

Griffin x Faragonda - Also not new but when the feelings catch up with me, they really mean it. Two major bursts of inspiration about them have left me with interesting results and I am looking forward to finding out where this goes.

Marion x Oritel - That was new. It was the first new ship of the year. I have more ideas about them but the muse has not visited lately. I am not giving up, though. Sometimes you gotta sail the ship even when there’s no wind.

Flora x Icy - That was definitely a surprise. I don’t know what happened but I do know that a goddamn look at Pinterest has brought on an entire epic about them (and the other Trix and Winx) so... thanks for that, Pinterest. I wish you could pin free time on Pinterest and go consume it later so that I would actually have the time to work on all of this.

Layla x Stella - Oh, yeah, baby! I have feelings and I really want to do at least an outline of what would be too long to actually write as a fic, especially since I have A Lot on my plate rn.

Griffin x Griselda - Well, that... happened. I have no idea where any of this is going, only that it is a major part of Griffin’s arc in my most major series so... I guess it’s headed somewhere. Just have to stay along for the ride.

Zarathustra x Griselda - So totally trashcankitty12′s fault... But I guess I am the one responsible for actually including it in already ongoing stories.

Ediltrude x DuFour - Okay, that one I totally roped myself into. Do I regret it? ... Maybe a little because it may need to remain just background thanks to everything else that I have going on.

Griffin x Marion - Almost forgot that which is a damn shame because it is one of my absolute most favorite ships.

Griffin x Valtor x Marion - Not gonna lie, this has been sneaking into some stray ideas too repetitively to be an accident. Will it ever exist outside of my head, though?

Samara x Erendor - I just wanted to make them more likable to me because they were my least favorite characters on the show. Worked too well and now I am in fic hell.

Bloom x Sky - I got ONE idea, okay? Too bad that I love it too much for my own good, especially considering that it is sort of a rewrite of the series. Like I didn’t have enough of those already.

There are more, actually, but we will be here all day if I have to list every stray idea that I have entertained so let’s just move on.

Stories:

Winx Club - 80 (4 unfinished and 3 that I have been dragging with me since 2019 for a total of 7/111 incomplete.)

OUAT - 3 (all finished but I have two collections that are still open from 2019 and 2018 respectively)

Lucifer - 1 (it was a one-shot but I am glad that I managed to write it at all)

Original works - 1 (poem that I came up with at 4am)

That makes a total of 85 written works this year which is honestly astounding! My brain has been harping on me about not being productive since June but I have actually gotten quite a lot of work done! (Fun fact - my total for 2019 was 58 stories, and for 2020 it is 85 XD. We’re gonna need some new numbers in 2021.)

First fic of the year - Gold and Purple (Griffin x Valtor AU inspired by a Bulgarian folk tale)

Last fic of the year - New Warmth to Weave in Your Garden of Shine (Samara x Erendor + New Year traditions and worldbuilding on Eraklyon)

Favorite writing moment - that has got to be coming up with a wild idea for my season rewrite that I will not be spoiling now. It was also inspired by Bulgarian folklore and I am so excited to reveal it (because it is so fucking grand) but we will all have to be patient.\

Wildest writing experience - definitely the entirety of chapter 4 from A Home You Never Knew How to Have. Man, that was... a goddamn ride. In every sense of the word. I still haven’t reread that bitch after posting it even though I have opened it probably a hundred times.

I launched several series this year that will need a lot of work to be brought to completion. Naturally, my focus is not on finishing those but on starting new things. Because of course it is. So here’s a heads-up for another post that will be coming shortly with announcements of my ideas. I would like to call it a plan for 2021 but I fear that will be too presumptuous of me so I will say that it is my hope that those are things that are to be released this year but I will only lapel them as projects that I am looking forward to rather than “upcoming”.

Other Works:

This year actually bore a couple other forms of art so I am going to list my creations in other mediums below because they deserve the attention.

Aesthetics:

Icy

Darcy

Stormy

Marion

Ediltrude & Zarathustra

Siren AU:

Griffin

Ediltrude

Zarathustra

Icy

Darcy

Stormy

Magic-Swapped Transformations:

Griffin Winx

Ediltrude Winx

Zarathustra Winx

Griffin Chamrix

Ediltrude Chamrix

Zarathustra Chamrix

Griffin Enchantix

Ediltrude Enchantix

Zarathustra Enchantix

Videos:

Griffin/Valtor - The Devil I Know

Winx - Trouble

Marion x Oritel/Griffin x Valtor/Faragonda x Hagen - Savage

Bloom/Mitzi - Wicked

Samara - You Should See Me in a Crown

Bloom/Sky - Kerosene

Winx Rewatch:

I actually rewatched all 8 seasons of the show + the 3 movies and I have written out my thoughts on all of them. You can find them here:

Winx Club Season 1 4kids (Stream of Consciousness) (I am actually considering redoing this one because it wasn’t in-depth like the others are)

Winx Club Season 2 4kids Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 2 4kids Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 3 4kids Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 3 4kids Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club: The Secret of the Lost Kingdom (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 4 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 4 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club: Magical Adventure (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 5 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 5 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club: Mystery of the Abyss (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 6 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 6 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 7 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 7 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 8 Part 1 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Season 8 Part 2 (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Special 1: Destiny of Bloom (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Special 2: Revenge of the Trix (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Special 3: The Battle for Magix (Stream of Consciousness)

Winx Club Special 4: The Shadow Phoenix (Stream of Consciousness)

I will not be writing any takeaways because I already talked about some of those in an ask and my brain is too fired at the moment to pull off some actual analysis and compose a proper conclusion. To be perfectly honest, I prefer not to think too much on 2020. It brought a lot of good things along with the bad but I still prefer not to look back on it if it isn’t necessary. I think it received enough of my energy already.

#my writing #my fanfiction #my fanfic #about me #personal #2020 #in retrospect #2020 in words #winx club #winx club rewatch #winx rewatch #links #long post #aesthetics #videos #visuals #reviews #thoughts

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letswritefanfiction · 4 years

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2019 100 word a day recap.

2019 Writing Recap

Total Words: 172,386

Best day: 3602

Worst day: 0

Here we are, folks. One year ago, I came at you with a surprisingly short post talking about my new year’s resolution to write 100 words a day, and what I hoped would come of it. And here I am on the other side to tell you exactly what did. Let’s get into it.

Let’s start with that 0 number up there. None of you will probably be able to note this, but I’ll let you know that in all of my monthly recaps, never did I admit to that 0. But it’s true. There were two days in particular (both of which I blame on my friend, Becca) where I know I didn’t write anything. The next day I tried to make up for it by having double the writing sessions, both times. Which I guess is kind of fair? I probably wouldn’t have had those two writing sessions on those days otherwise, so it probably doesn’t affect my word count. But also, it doesn’t really matter. I don’t think missing two days of a resolution means you failed. On contrary, I think it means I succeeded spectacularly. I’m so pleased.

Of course, there are about a week and a half’s worth of days that are unaccounted for...I probably did write those days and just forgot to record it, since that’s a more likely thing to forget for me than the actual writing, but...who knows.

Now let’s talk about my best day. The 3,602. That’s a pretty juicy looking number, isn’t it? Well, the truth is that all of those words are probably going to be deleted. I wrote them in a flash, obviously, but they were for a chapter that I...kind of hated. A chapter that I’m still trying to nail down, but I’m gonna bet you now that none of that text is gonna make it into the final version. And that’s okay too! Even though my total word count up there looks really impressive, I think, for a casual writer, we both know that a lot of it is going to end up deleted. Some already has! Some already fell victim to an unexpected shutdown by my computer! (I never learn.)

As for the year in full. I really am so stinking proud. I had no idea that my total number would be that high; even if you take out the 50K from NaNo, that’s still over 100K written! And, truthfully, I have no idea how low that number would have been without this challenge. But it likely would have been in the tens of thousands. Probably not even that high up there. Who knows if I would have felt like I could take on NaNo? I mean, as it was, I didn’t! Who knows how much less prepared I would have felt if I hadn’t already been on the minor roll I’d been on?

Now let’s talk about what I’ve accomplished. After over five years, I finally managed to put the alphabet challenge I started in high school to bed. I thought I might be sad about that, since it’s kind of a relic, but NOPE. I’m happy to see it go! Good riddens! I hope people enjoy it. Otherwise, I only published one other oneshot, and it was the first thing I did this (last!) year. But I’m super pleased that it was for a fandom other than Pokemon, and that I had variety in that way. But the thing that took the majority of my time and word count this year was a currently unpublished story, Zenith. My 2018 Pokeshipping week contribution that got totally out of control. The last chapter is in shambles, but everything else is getting polished up for publication, and I’ll be really excited to put it to rest as well. Lord, let it be soon.

Truth be told, this isn’t all that I’d hoped for. I’d hoped that Zenith would be finished and published, the alphabet challenge over and done, the untitled story titled and finished, and everything back in the works on Ghost Story. Welp. No. That was unreasonable. So I’ve shelved the unpublished story for now, since it’s also going to be a roaring beast, and it shouldn’t be my priority right now. But, I’m pleased to say that there is still a fire in me for Ghost Story. I thought after not working on it for so long, it would be dim, just like it dimmed when I thought I was finished with it and began to publish it. And while I don’t think I can ever recover my passion for it from that period, I can’t tell you guys how excited I will be to go back to that story and take it down once and for all. Let 2020′s Ghost Story be 2019′s Zenith and then some.

Now let’s talk about me. Like I wasn’t already, haha. But I’m really not expecting anyone to read all of this; it’s more of a record for myself. I’ve never written so much before in my life, and I think I really learned a lot about myself and my process in doing so. Since high school, I’ve done most of my writing in my bed. Well, the many different beds I’ve had in that time. But I’ve discovered that that’s not really my best method. For me, even just going into the living room and sitting upright, maybe with a tasty drink or a little munchie snack makes me feel much more like I’m having a session, rather than, like, trying to sneak in a bit of writing in the midst of my dicking around on the internet. I’m lucky enough to live in a building with a communal work space, and going there is even better. Like a coffee shop I can go to without having to put on shoes, haha.

This is the first year that I’ve really given writing while listening to music a try. I love music so much that it’s pretty distracting for me...in every way. Like, in doing anything, if I’m listening to music I enjoy, I’m probably doing that more that the task I’m supposed to be doing. That’s why I don’t listen to music while writing. But this year, I did. I discovered a few albums that have nice, low-key vibes throughout the whole album so I can have it play through and be nice background music. It’s still distracting, but not as much. But I also did a lot of writing with music that I do love and/or was actively listening to as well. And, yeah, it was distracting. But it also made my time more joyful. And, to me, that’s the most important thing, so as long as it’s not costing me all my productivity, why not listen to some showtunes?

I’m only going to take a moment to talk about my plans for 2020, since I haven’t really thought about them. But gone is this 100 words a day thing. I’ll never get through editing that way! But I’d like to think that I’ve gotten into the habit enough of writing every day that it won’t be a problem. I’m aiming to spend about 20 minutes a day writing, more or less. But that’s my easy, achievable goal, I think. It’s going to be much more lenient, which feels freeing. But I hope to accomplish just as much this year as in 2019. If not more! So here’s to it!

#writing #new years resolutions #resolutions #personal #writing challenge

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cactuslester · 5 years

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And, Like Putting On Glasses, I Saw the World in Perfect Clarity

Summary: Dan thinks this trip to the Isle of Man will be like all the other trips to visit the Lesters. Little does he know, Phil has a 3 carat surprise for him.

Word Count: ~6.2K

Genre: fluff, established relationship, proposal, engagement, December 2018 theories (I think these theories are prevalent enough to be their own genre/trope in the phandom)

Warnings: none

A/N: Hello guys! I haven't posted a fic in nearly two years, but I'm trying to get back into writing. I think all the engagement theories swirling around the fandom right now are adorable, so I had to write about them. Huge thanks to my lovely betas Hayden @vinylester, Martha @headlesghost, and Sarah @thedemonsadvocate! Any feedback, positive or negative, is much appreciated.

AO3

“Hey, our flight leaves in three hours, get home soon okay?”

Phil nestled the phone between his ear and shoulder as he listened to the reply from the other end and responded, “Yeah okay, mmhm, don’t worry, I remembered. Okay okay alright love you bye.”

He dropped the t-shirt he was folding to hang up the call and tossed the phone onto his bed, wincing when he heard it slide off and hit the floor. Oh well, it’s got a case on it, he reminded himself. He then made his way to his drawers and opened the top one; after rummaging through the socks, boxer shorts, and for some reason, a bunny ears headband, he finally found what he was looking for and pulled out a little velvet box. It was jet black and surprisingly light, considering it was carrying an object of greater gravity than his computer, cameras, and collection of awards combined. Phil breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that the ring still sat safely inside. Sliding down to the floor in front of the drawers, he gazed at it for a moment, admiring his own ability in picking out jewelry. It was a simple pavé ring made of white gold, studded with two rows of tiny glittering diamonds. There was no secret to the fact that Dan always had a mild internal conflict when it came to picking between his two aesthetics—minimalism and luxury, so Phil had found the perfect balance. A simple white gold band would pair well with anything Dan would choose to wear, and the pavé diamonds added luxe without being gaudy.

The mid-morning sun shining through the window of his room bounced off each of the tiny diamonds, casting little beams of light on the walls and ceiling, giving the illusion that the room was filled with hundreds of tiny stars. The effect was breathtaking, and Phil knew Dan would think so too. He got a little lost staring at the ring, thinking about what it represented, knowing that if he had told his younger self from ten years ago that he would make it this far, he would have never believed it. Phil was doing something he truly loved next to the person he loved the most in the world. They had just finished a hugely successful world tour and had so many plans for the future for both their professional and personal lives to look forward to.

All he had to do was pop the question.

The sound of the front door opening snapped Phil out of his contemplation as he scrambled to close the box and tuck it inside the side pocket of his suitcase between two pairs of socks. “Dan?” he called, keeping his voice steady as if he didn’t almost get caught holding a ring box, “Are you nearly done packing? We need to call the taxi in an hour.” Phil heard the jangle of Dan’s keys dropping in the ceramic dish where they kept them, promptly followed by his footsteps bounding up the stairs a second later.

“Uhhhh yeah, I just have my clothes left to pack. Oh, and toiletries also.”

Phil rolled his eyes even though he knew Dan couldn’t see. “Dan, that’s nearly everything. I told you to start packing last night. My mum’s gonna kill me if we miss our flight.”

“Don’t worry, I promise you we won’t be late. Maybe we’ll even be early; I know I can have everything packed and ready to go in forty minutes.”

Phil crossed his arms, half jokingly, half accusingly. “Really? Forty? You’re bluffing and you know it.”

“I promise I’m not. Okay, if I’m not packed in forty, then I’ll take the bins out for two weeks after we come back. Deal?”

“Deal. I hope you’re looking forward to making awkward bin room conversation with our weird neighbors.”

Dan, ever the procrastinator, knew for sure that he could pack in forty minutes as long as he acted quickly. The only essentials he knew he had to bring were his wallet, a couple pairs of black jeans, some t-shirts, socks, shoes, a coat, and his phone. Everything else on the list wasn’t as important, and if he forgot something aside from the essentials, Phil’s parents would probably have it at their house or he could survive a few days without it. He mimed a silent prayer to thank whatever deities there were that he had escaped his dependence on his hair straighteners. Bringing them on every trip used to be such a hassle.

While throwing shirts into the suitcase and cramming miscellaneous items in the spaces between, he let himself get lost in thought. It had been such a tumultuous year, but he was so thankful that all of it had happened. He never thought he’d get this far. And now after such a successful but tiring year, he was getting to spend time with his boyfriend and his family before going to see his own. He was living a charmed life for sure.

Dan stared at his own hands whilst folding a jumper. Ringless. Nine years together was a long time to go without formal engagement. Sure. they had discussed marriage many times, countless times, laying in bed together late at night as the roar of London traffic passed by. And as nine years were soon to turn to ten, he knew it was inevitable. But the question remained. When? He knew that Phil would probably propose soon as they had talked about getting married late 2019 or early 2020, but he also knew he wouldn’t propose during Christmastime. Dan thought it would be adorably cliché and romantic if Phil proposed to him in front of a Christmas tree or in the snow, but he knew that Christmas was a time for Phil to focus on his own family and not the time for him to be planning how to execute a proposal. So Dan knew he wouldn’t be getting a ring this weekend, but he wasn’t upset about it; Phil would plan a beautifully romantic proposal when the time came.

Dan finished folding the last of the shirts and stood up to unplug his phone charger from the socket, tossing it triumphantly in the suitcase as he called out to Phil, “Phil! I’m done packing, and it’s only 11:17; I have twelve minutes to spare! Guess you’ll be the one taking the bins out for two weeks.”

“Hey, wait!” Phil responded indignantly, “I never said I’d take the bins out if you were able to pack in time. You just said that you’d take the bins out if you didn’t pack on time, and I agreed to that.”

“Oh come on, it was implied that the opposite applies: you’d take the bins out if I did pack on time.”

“No it wasn’t and you know it; you just made that up now.”

“Philll,” Dan whined, lips forming a petulant pout, “But aren’t you proud of me for being so responsible and on time? I think you should still take the bins out.”

Phil had never been able to resist Dan’s whiny voice; it was his second biggest weakness right under Dan’s doe eyes. “Oh my god fine, but this is the last time you get away with stating the terms of a bet so vaguely.”

“Aw thanks, love you!” Dan teased.

“Love you too,” Phil responded with slight exasperation, “Now call the taxi or else we’ll be late anyways.”

It was a miracle that security checks went as quickly as they did, with it being the holidays and all, but Phil wasn’t complaining. Even though they now had an hour they would have to kill, this was much preferred to missing the flight. “What’s the gate number again?” he asked Dan, who was holding both of their boarding passes.

“B34, so that way,” Dan pointed to the terminal entrance on their left. “I think it’s actually the same gate we were at when we flew to the Isle last year.”

“Huh, wacky coincidence, what are the odds?”

“Very low,” Dan answered, not fully paying attention to the conversation but instead looking around for something, “Hey, we have an hour, should we go to the Starbucks? It’s at terminal C, but I think we have time.”

“Yeah, it should be fine since our gate’s right at the beginning of terminal B.”

They made their way to the Starbucks in companionable silence. It was moments like these that Phil treasured the most. They didn’t always have to be actively talking to each other to enjoy each others’ company. Just walking with Dan and being in the same space as him made Phil happy, and he knew Dan appreciated it too. Over the years, they had learned love should not always be measured by how codependent they were or if they were constantly speaking to each other. Rather, the true testaments to the strength of their relationship were their ability to communicate with each other without words and their ability to spend some time apart with their own families, knowing that the other loved and was thinking about them.

The Starbucks was busy with people, all waiting for their holiday flights to visit their families or go on vacation. Phil started towards the line, “I’ll order, you get us some seats before they’re all taken.”

A few minutes later, Phil found Dan at the primo location of window seats and headed towards him, caramel macchiatos in hand. He set the two coffees down before taking a seat and promptly picking up his macchiato and blowing on it, hoping to drink it as fast as possible; he hadn’t had a coffee yet this morning. A small smile formed on Dan’s lips when he saw what Phil had ordered. They both loved the exclusive holiday drinks, but caramel macchiatos held a special place in their hearts. It was the drink they both ordered when they met each other for the first time in Manchester, and it was the drink they famously ordered in their Day in the Life video. Dan had brought up the idea of filming another festive Day in the Life this year, but Phil quickly shot that idea down, saying that they already had a lot to do with the Dilmas videos. In reality, Phil knew they could handle editing those videos had it been any other year, but this year, he was too busy planning something else. To combat any suspicion from Dan, Phil chalked it up to lingering fatigue from the tour and his want to have a relaxing holiday season. He may not be a great actor, but he was a damn good liar, which aided him greatly in coordinating his holiday plan without Dan finding out. And so far, his ploy was working perfectly.

They finished their coffees as boarding time drew near and strolled back to terminal B. On the way back to the terminal, Dan so desperately wanted to intertwine his hand with Phil’s. Nine years together, and Dan was still the romantic sap he was in 2009, wanting to hold his boyfriend’s hand if even just for a couple minutes on the walk back to their terminal. But the Heathrow airport was packed, and there was bound to be someone who would recognize them in the throng of people. At least Dan knew he could take comfort in knowing that within a year, he and Phil will have come out to their audience and they could hold hands whenever and wherever they pleased.

The flight to the Isle of Man was short but bumpy; they couldn’t have expected it to be very smooth given how small the plane was. Dan posted several photos on his story about the plane and basked in how good it felt to be open about visiting Phil’s family. Nine years later and Dan, at heart, was still the smitten fanboy he was in 2009, taking any opportunity to brag about being Phil’s person.

The taxi ride over to Phil’s parents house was short as well and consisted mostly of Phil trying to calm Dan down—he was visibly anxious, fiddling with his hands and running his fingers through his hair. In his head, he knew that the Lesters approved of him wholly and considered him part of the family, but he couldn’t help but be filled with the nervousness akin to meeting a significant other’s parents for the first time every time he went up north with Phil.

When they got out of the taxi, Kathryn was already waiting outside the front door. “Hi mum!” Phil half walked, half jogged his way over to her, suitcase trailing behind him.

She pulled him into a hug, “Oh Phil, I’ve missed you. And yes I know you’re going to say I saw you when you came back from tour, but that feels like forever ago.” She let Phil go and waved Dan over, pulling him into a hug, “Come here, you too Dan.”

“Hello Kathryn, how’ve you been?” he asked, morphing into a perfectly polite version of himself as he always did in front of Phil’s parents.

“Oh, I’ve been well. Just so glad you boys are both visiting; I really need people to help me finish all the mince pies we’ve made, and Martyn and Cornelia won’t make nearly as big a dent in them as I know you two will.”

“You know me too well,” Dan laughed as the three headed inside.

Inside, Nigel was pulling cookies out of the oven, telling Dan and Phil how Kathryn made a couple of batches in anticipation of their arrival. Martyn and Cornelia were sat on the couch, heads bent over Martyn’s phone as they both read something off it. The pair stood up and greeted Dan and Phil when they heard them come in. After all their greetings and hugs were exchanged, Kathryn called everyone to the table for afternoon tea and cookies. Inevitably, the conversation turned towards the future.

“Yeah, Phil and I decided that we were going to take a little break from the gaming channel just for a while. We just want to take a step back and decide what we want to do next. This year was a huge year for our careers of course, and next year, we want to have a little more time to focus on our personal lives,” Dan explained. Martyn shot a knowing glance at Phil, but Dan didn’t notice. “I’m not sure if Phil’s told you, but we’re going to start looking for a house. We’re not going to move for another year or two probably, but we want to start looking for a place.”

“Actually,” Kathryn replied, “Phil hasn’t told us yet, but I wish you two the best of luck. Finding a house in London can’t be an easy task.”

After some more conversation and catching up, Phil got up from the table, subtly motioning to Martyn to do so too. Dan was about to get up and follow, but Phil stopped him, “Dan it’s okay, Martyn just wanted to discuss a small thing about the AmazingPhil merch, not super important, you can stay.”

“Oh okay,” Dan sat back down, jumping back into easy conversation with Phil’s parents and Cornelia.

Martyn and Phil headed to the guest room where Martyn and Cornelia were staying. “Okay Phil, what’s the game plan this weekend?”

“Alright, so the biggest thing is to decide what day I should do it,” Phil replied, “I was thinking maybe after Christmas Eve dinner in front of the tree, but I don’t want to take away from the festivities and all of mum’s awesome planning that goes into the Eve dinner. Is there anywhere else I could do it that would also be super pretty and romantic?”

“Aren’t we all going on a hike tomorrow? What if you did it at the top of the peak? Then you guys could get some really great photos with the mountains in the background.”

“Oh my god you’re so right, that would be perfect! Okay on the hike tomorrow it is.”

“Okay, so how exactly do you want to do it?”

Phil explained his idea, and Martyn nodded approvingly. It would require some help from both Martyn and Cornelia, but it wasn’t anything too complicated or fancy. Phil knew that Dan was a sucker for the simple but romantic gestures, and this was exactly that.

Morning light shone through the window of Dan and Phil’s guest room, filtered by the wispy clouds and the curtains. Dan rolled over, opening his eyes to an empty bed. “Phil?” he called out into the house, tensing when he realized the other Lesters may still be asleep and he might’ve just woken them up.

Dan heard soft footsteps on the stairs, and Phil appeared at the door, mug in hand, “Morning, sleepyhead. I brought you some tea.”

“Mm, thanks,” Dan took the warm mug in his hands, “What time is it?”

“It’s eight-forty, everyone is already up. C’mon we’re all having breakfast downstairs.”

“Eight-forty? Everyone is up at eight-forty during the holidays?”

“Yeah, remember the hike? My mum was hoping that we could all head out by nine-thirty and be back by noon in time for lunch.”

“Ohh okay, you go finish your breakfast, I’ll be down right after I get dressed.”

“Okay,” Phil pressed a kiss to Dan’s forehead and headed back downstairs.

Dan had a few sips of his tea and smiled when he realized it was Taylors of Harrogate Earl Grey, his favorite. It was a small gesture, but it warmed Dan’s heart that Phil rummaged through the Lesters’ cabinet of tea to find it. Flipping open his suitcase, he checked the weather on his phone with one hand and looked for clothes with the other. 5ºC, so he could do with a button up and a light coat. He got dressed and grabbed his coat and the earmuffs that Phil always made fun of to bring downstairs with him. The Lesters and Cornelia greeted him warmly with a chorus of “Morning Dan!” and “Come sit and eat!” Halfway through breakfast, Dan realized that last night’s sleep had done him good; most of his anxieties about spending time with the Lesters had faded away. In this moment, laughing and talking with them, sharing anecdotes from the tour and musing about the future, Dan truly felt like part of the family.

“Should we head out now?” Cornelia asked as everyone took their last sips of tea and coffee and their last bites of scones. She was met with nods all around and everyone grabbed their coats. The hiking trail wasn’t far, just a ten minute walk from the house, and the trail itself wasn’t too intimidating either. Everyone had referred to this as a “hike” in planning it, but really, it was more of a stroll through the hills complemented by breathtaking scenery. It had snowed a little the night before, just enough for a centimeter to settle, just enough to make tiny snowballs which Phil promptly made and lobbed at Martyn and Dan.

The hike was downright scenic. The sun was bright, casting down golden light, but the scattered cloud cover kept it from being blinding. The grass at their feet, made pale by the cold, waved in the breeze, an exquisite dance rarely appreciated by human eyes. And the ocean in the distance was bluer than ever and still enough to reflect your own soul back at you. Martyn was chatting with Dan at the front of the group with the Lester parents behind them and Phil and Cornelia at the very back. “Are you excited?” she asked Phil, keeping her voice low so Dan couldn’t hear.

“Yeah, I am, but I’m also so nervous I’m actually trembling,” Phil held his hand out in front of him to show Cornelia.

“Don’t worry it’ll be fine; it’ll go perfectly, I promise. Martyn and I will distract him like we planned, and when he turns around, you’ll be there, simple,” she said with a smile.

Phil nodded, but there was still worry behind his eyes, “But what if he says no?”

She shook her head lightly with a smile, “Phil don’t be silly, there’s no way he will say no. You’ve been together for nine years now and have a love story that would make Aphrodite jealous. He looks at you like you hang the stars in the sky and set the sun on its course. Plus, you both have already talked about getting married, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s expecting a proposal soon.”

“Oh no, you think he’s expecting it? I wanted this to be a surprise,” Phil said, unable to find a way out of his spiral of anxiety.

“Oh dear, I didn’t mean to make it worse, that’s not what I meant. Look, I’m sure he’ll still be surprised. Even if he’s expecting a proposal soon doesn’t mean he’s expecting one on this trip. He probably thinks you’ll be too busy during this trip to plan a proposal, and you’ve hidden everything quite well, so he has no reason to suspect it’s today.”

“Okay, okay that makes me feel a bit better, thanks.”

“Anytime. Do you have any idea when the wedding will be?”

“Erm, we were thinking maybe late next year or early 2020? I think it’d be really nice if it could be on October 19th, our ten year anniversary, but whether that can happen or not depends on everyone’s schedules and whatever venue we pick.”

“Aw that’s such a sweet idea, I think that’d be nice too, hopefully that works out,” she glanced up in the distance, “Are you ready? We’re almost at the top of the hill.”

Phil filled his lungs with air and let it out in a controlled sigh, “I think I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”

As they walked up towards the peak, it began to snow lightly. Tiny snowflakes dusted Dan’s curls and settled Phil’s lashes. They fell slowly from the clouds above, occasionally catching the sunlight just so, making it seem like hundreds of tiny gems filled the air. Phil thanked whatever weather gods there were for this. The snow was just enough for a perfect winter scene but not too much so that it was difficult to see or walk through. They reached the top soon after it started snowing and took a few minutes to soak it all in. The sound of the waves crashing in the distance and the intermittent chirping of birds were the only things that broke the serene silence. The hills were bathed in soft, mid-morning light, and the colors of the foliage were washed out from the winter as if in a dream. Dan was stood on a small ledge on the hill, far enough from the edge so as to not fall off. Phil walked up behind him and placed his head on Dan’s shoulder, wrapping his arms around Dan’s waist. “It’s beautiful isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Dan sighed contentedly, “What if we move somewhere like this in the future?”

“What? I thought you loved London.”

“No, I do, I don’t mean soon. I mean when we’re old and grey and retired, what if we move somewhere away from the bustle of the city to somewhere like this, where it’s quiet outside and we can see the ocean from our window?”

“I wouldn’t be opposed to that at all,” Phil murmured into Dan’s shoulder. They stayed like that, staring into the ocean, thinking about their futures with each other for a moment until Phil spoke, “I think I saw a rabbit over there, I’m going to go befriend it.”

“It’d be so on brand if you got bitten by it and we all have to stop our peaceful walk to take you to A&E.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t get bitten,” Phil giggled as he pulled his arms away from Dan and headed away from the ledge.

That was Martyn and Cornelia’s cue to walk up to Dan and admire the ocean with him. “What was the merch stuff you guys had to deal with yesterday?” Dan asked Martyn.

“Um, we were just trying to figure out how to get the sock orders delivered by New Year’s; the manufacturer was running a bit late, so we were making sure that everything would be back on track soon.”

“Oh okay, gotchu.”

“Congrats on the tour, by the way,” Cornelia piped up, “I don’t think I congratulated you individually in person about it yet.”

“Oh, thank you so much. Me and Phil are so happy with how it all turned out, but we’re dead tired now, so January is going to be a month of rest for us.”

“How are the fans taking the news about the hiatus?”

“They’re mildly upset, but most of them are being so lovely and respectful and understand that we need time to rest and think about what to do next. There’s a lot of theories going around though.”

“Oh?” Cornelia prompted Dan for elaboration.

“From what I’ve seen, some people think we’re moving soon or getting married. And I mean, they’re kinda right, but they’re off about the timeline. We’re not moving next year, and the hiatus isn’t for a wedding. I mean, unless for some reason one of us proposes like in the next week and we somehow plan a wedding in a month,” Dan laughed at the prospect, “But that’s not happening because I know Phil wants a fancy ceremony, and that’ll take at least several months to plan.”

“Have you guys talked about which one of you is proposing?” Martyn asked, feigning ignorance.

“No not really, we’ve just both said we’re fine either way. We don’t feel that strongly about who does it. Although, I do have a small hunch that maybe Phil is planning to propose on Valentine’s day, and I’m not sure if I should beat him to it and propose on his birthday.”

Cornelia scrolls through her phone absentmindedly, “What if one of you proposes and the other also has the ring they were going to propose with with them? Like that video I shared on Facebook the other day.”

“That could happen totally by accident; I wouldn’t put it past us.”

Phil was on the other side of the peak, a hundred paces or so away from Dan, Martyn, and Cornelia with his parents. He handed his dad his phone with the camera application open to the video setting, “Okay, so when I give you the thumbs up, just press that red button and it’ll start recording.” He handed his mum a Canon camera, one that they sometimes brought to events when they needed pictures or videos of a higher quality than the iPhone, “Just keep taking pictures throughout the whole thing, and make sure you get the important moments, and—oh, what am I saying, you’ve been taking pictures of mine and Martyn’s milestones since we were kids; you know how to do this.”

Kathryn chuckled in response, “You’re a bit nervous aren’t you?”

“Yeah. I know it’ll go okay, but I want this to be perfect.”

“Don’t worry Phil, it will be. You ready?”

“Yeah,” he pulled both his parents into a hug, “Thanks guys.”

As the three headed back, Phil sent a text to Martyn letting him know that it was almost time; Martyn sent back the thumbs up emoji. When they reached the ledge, they stayed as quiet as possible so as to not alert Dan to their presence. Phil knew that without distraction, he would be content to stare into the ocean for ages, contemplating life and possibly spiraling into an existential crisis. Phil’s parents took their positions right behind the ledge, ready to film and take pictures from two different angles. Phil sent a text to Cornelia, then quietly made his way to a spot several feet behind where Dan, Martyn and Cornelia were standing.

Cornelia pointed out a flock of birds that had landed in the trees. A few of them started crying out in what could only be a mating call, “You should call Phil over, I think he’d have a field day trying to imitate them.”

Dan kept his eyes trained on the birds and laughed along with Martyn and Cornelia as he called out Phil’s name, “Phil! Come look!” He assumed Phil was probably nearby enough to hear him if he yelled loud enough. “Phiiiillll!” Still no response. “Phiiii–” Dan turned around to look for him and found Phil in front of him on one knee. Before Dan could even process the situation, Phil started speaking.

“Dan, the first time we met, I was the nervousest person ever, and right now, I think I’m even more nervous than I was that day, so bear with me if I’m not the most eloquent right now.”

Dan laughed. He had just barely processed what was happening, and the tears were already brimming. He had told himself before he wouldn’t cry at his wedding, but if Dan was already devolving into an emotional sap right now, he knew he stood no chance.

“Before I met you, I wasn’t sure if I believed in true love or believed that anything could be forever. I knew I loved my family and my friends and knew I would probably find someone I loved enough to marry and settle down with, but I never thought I would get to experience a grand love story like those people write about in books and movies. And then I met you. I still remember the first time we met, clear as day. When you got off the train at the station and I saw you, I couldn’t help but feel something that felt like coming home. I couldn’t decipher what it meant at the time, but now I know that that was what it feels like to meet the love of your life.”

“Phil, I’m going to start full-on sobbing if you keep going.”

“I love you, but I don’t care right now, I spent forever writing this in my head, so I will keep going,” Phil smiled up at Dan with a smile that Dan would later swear could end wars, “And then we spent a whole day in Manchester, and I think that was one of the best days of my life. I remember when we were on the big wheel, I just kept thinking about how much I liked you and how I hoped you liked me too. Then, you kissed me, and I was gone then and there. I will never have the words to describe it, but it was like I had gone my entire life needing glasses but never wearing them, and you were the clarity missing from my life. That’s when I knew that you were it for me, that you were the one. And I know this all sounds so cheesy, but that’s really how I felt. I am so beyond happy that I get to have you in my life; I truly believe all of my lucky stars aligned for this to happen. So many things make me happy, but spending time with you makes me the happiest; I could just sit and talk with you for the rest of my life, and I’d die the happiest man on Earth. Forever with you is not long enough. I’d spend a million forevers with you if I could. And I love so many things and so many people, but none more than you. I really, truly think that you’re the best person in the world, and I love you more than words can convey. So,” Phil opened the ring box, “Daniel James Howell, will you marry me?”

“Oh my god,” Dan whispered through tears, “Yes, yes, yes of course I’ll marry you Phil.” Phil stood to put the ring on Dan, but Dan immediately pulled him into a kiss. He wrapped his arms around Phil and knew that he was the luckiest person in the world.

Phil smiled into the kiss as he murmured against Dan’s lips, “I still need to put the ring on you. Plus, my whole family’s watching, we can’t get carried away.”

“Right,” Dan pulled away with a soft laugh and held out his left hand.

Phil slid the ring onto Dan’s fourth finger and breathed a small sigh of relief when it fit perfectly. They could have always gotten it resized if it didn’t fit, but now they could avoid that hassle. Neither of them wore much jewelry, so Phil had had to guess the ring size with the help of the jeweler.

Dan held his hand up to the light, “Oh Phil, it’s perfect, I love it. How did you decide on this one?”

“I mean, I knew you would like the white gold because it fits your minimalist monochrome aesthetic, and of course you would want something glittery and shiny, so what better than rows of diamonds?”

“God, you know me too well.”

“Of course.”

Martyn was the first to wish them congratulations, followed by Cornelia and the rest of the Lesters. Phil’s mum and dad handed him back his phone and camera, assuring him that they got great footage that would make for a lovely engagement video or Instagram post. It was only then that Dan realized they were all in on the surprise, “Wait! Martyn, Cornelia! You guys were just distracting me from them setting up the stuff to film! And when you pointed out the birds, that was to get me to turn around and notice Phil! You guys both knew what was about to happen but you still asked about proposal plans!”

“Well, we had to make sure you were proper surprised when the time came,” Cornelia responded with a laugh, “And you were, should’ve seen your own face when you turned around.”

“Wait, Martyn, you and Phil weren’t talking about merch yesterday then, were you?”

“Nope,” he shook his head.

“My god you guys managed to pull this off so well.”

“They did, didn’t they?” Phil chimed in, “Thanks again so much for helping, guys! Should we take the cliché ring photo for Instagram?”

“Yeah, sure,” Martyn grabbed Phil’s phone that Phil held out to him. Dan held his hand up to show the camera the ring while Phil pulled him into another kiss. Martyn snapped a few photos and handed the phone back to Phil, “They’re Instagram worthy, I promise.”

A couple days later, Phil accompanied Dan to the airport so he could fly back south to visit his own family. They knew they would miss each other dearly, but they both loved spending time with their own families and knew they would both be back in London soon. Then they could start the next chapter of their lives as fiancés.

Phil walked with Dan up to the security checkpoint where they had to say goodbye. Dan pulled him into a hug, not wanting to risk the possibility of someone recognizing them, “I love you so much.”

“I love you too. Text me when you land, and have fun, and tell your family I said hi.”

“I will, love you, bye.” Dan pulled away and headed towards the security line. Phil waited until Dan disappeared behind the walls separating the checkpoint from the front of the airport before leaving. He already missed him, but it wasn’t like missing him when they were younger. Back then, years ago, missing Dan was a gnawing pain in his ribcage tinged with fear and the uncertainty of when he would get to see him next. But now, Phil knew that this was just the beginning of forever. They would always come back to each other, and he had nothing to worry about.

It was the afternoon of Boxing Day when all the Lesters and Cornelia were sitting by the fireplace, sipping tea and eating yet another batch of fresh cookies Kathryn had baked. Cornelia was scrolling through her phone when she brought something to everyone’s attention, “Phil have you seen Dan’s Instagram post?”

“No not yet,” Phil answered, pulling out his phone and opening the app.

“He cropped out his left hand,” she pointed out, “Do you think he cropped it on purpose or the camera just didn’t get his left hand to begin with?”

“Oh,” Phil laughed, “He definitely did that on purpose; he’s fueling the theories, so everyone will be even more hyped when we announce it. Not that we want a lot of attention for this or anything, but you know Dan, he’s a dramatic theater nerd and would do this just to get everyone excited.”

“Have you boys talked about wedding plans yet?” Kathryn asked from the kitchen.

“Yeah, actually we accidentally stayed up until nearly 4am the night after I proposed just talking about what we want to do for the wedding.”

“So what are the ideas you two have?” Martyn asked.

“We’re not quite sure yet; we’re still deciding, but whatever it is, I know it will be perfect.”

And Phil really did believe that it would be perfect. Even if they weren’t able to have the wedding on October 19th, or if they weren’t able to get the perfect venue or perfect caterer, Phil knew it would be perfect because he would be marrying Dan.

#phan #dan and phil #phanfiction #youtube #phanfic #phan fluff #dilhowltersquad #phansupportsquad #cactuslesterfics #mine #org

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tinyarmyofqueerfolkwrites · 5 years

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Thank You, Taylor Swift

So, I’m going to put this under a cut, just given the sensitive nature of the post, and the fact it’s really long.

The very short, trigger free version, is that it’s a love letter to @taylorswift after listening to Lover for what feels like the millionth time and specifically why I relate so much to Soon You’ll Get Better. The part that references cancer, depression, and death is warned about with a clear, visible end. So it won’t just come up on anyone who reads this.

I’m not a big believer in finding romantic love. I’ve seen very little of it in my life, my parents have been fighting for as long as I can remember and that kind of darkness seems to have plagued my life. But that isn’t say I don’t believe it exists. I’m a writer and I have seen my characters fall in love. I have written love of all kinds, from platonic, to familial, to yes, even romantic love. As easy as it is written, it is infinitely harder to find, in my opinion.

I can say I’ve never been romantically in love. And that’s okay for me, for right now. I’m in a dark place in my life, have been for far longer than I sometimes want to think about, but I’m still moving. Part of why I’m still moving is because of my friends, of my chosen family, of the people who have been in my life to love me and to keep me going. That love means a lot to me. And so does this album.

It’s Nice To Have A Friend, as romantic as it ends, reminds me of the first friend I can truly say I could have loved romantically. He was my best friend from the ages of 11 to 17. He meant the entire world to me. We dated, sort of. It was secret and in the background, but he was there when my world first started falling apart. The song itself is sweet and soft and nice. It reminds me of Mary’s Song, which had been one of my favorite songs of the self titled album. Because, above all else, I love hearing about other people in love.

Another song that reminds me of Nick, unfortunately, is Death By A Thousand Cuts. I spent a lot of time wrapped around his memory. Because he disappeared from my life. It was this weird period of my life and it hurt. I ended up losing a lot of people I thought were my friends, so to lose him too was too much. It hurt less because I loved him romantically and more because I he was my world in a lot of ways I didn’t know you could love another person.

I Forgot That You Existed is a song that now makes me think of him, and a few other “friends” that abandoned me at various points in my life. The people I’ve now forgiven and forgotten about enough to be able to remember the good times, and the bad, without getting hurt. It’s just indifference.

Paper Rings is the first song I definitely had to put on repeat. It’s so upbeat and honestly makes me just really happy. It’s a good dancing song, something to bounce around to and, in a sense, dream to. It reminds me of my sister and her boyfriend, honestly. They’re the first kind of proper romantic love I’ve ever really seen in my life. They are so sweet and understanding of each other and they just moved in together as a way to help my sister. She’s honestly thinking of proposing to him and it makes me really happy for her, and for them. He respects her and he respects me, which is something previous boyfriends of hers didn’t do.

If you want to avoid the talk of cancer, death, and depression please skip down til you find the gif. Everything after that will be positive again, cos I refuse to end on a depressing note.

So, in December of 2018 my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I was living with my sister, it was Christmas time, mother didn’t tell us until after Christmas. It was weird for us. We’ve never had a good relationship with our mom, for a number of reasons, so hearing she had cancer came weird. I don’t know if it was shock or something else, but a lot of it was “it’s not the kind of cancer we imagined she’d get” cos she’s a smoker, so we figured, if anything, it’d be lung cancer.

Flash forward to late January and I’ve returned home with my parents. Mother is sick and needs someone to watch out for her while my dad works. I don’t like being back in the family home, it’s messy and fuels my depression, which fuels my anger. It’s not a good attitude to have when trying to care for someone with cancer, I know this. I just can’t help it sometimes, though I try.

Shortly after my return, mother started chemo and she started going down hill. I stopped sleeping in my own room so I was close to her at night when she was most liable to fall and hurt herself. And she did. A lot. And every time I fought to pick her up. I fought to pick her and up and stop the bleeding. It’s a thankless job, I knew this coming into it, but I had no choice. She’s my mom. Yeah, I have a really bad relationship with her and this isn’t liable to change, but this is something I have to do.

So, the first however many times I listened to Soon You’ll Get Better I didn’t necessarily react. And then September 4th rolled around. My grandmother, who was the kind of woman who pushed through everything, had been diagnosed with cancer so many times and come back every time, died. I didn’t have a good relationship with her either, barely knew her, she barely knew me but she was the stubborn sort. She died in the early morning hours, before I’d even gone to bed. I’d ask her not to die on my birthday (the 5th) and she didn’t, but it was hard to take either way.

Later that day, on my way to Orlando, to celebrate my birthday, I had my mom stop at Target. I needed a physical copy of Lover in my hands and I’d never gotten a Target Exclusive version of Taylor’s albums before so I needed it. Happy birthday to me, right? Well, I decided I wanted to play Soon You’ll Get Better for my mom. I cried. It was the first time I’ve cried in a really long time. And I want to kinda talk about why.

In doctor's office lighting, I didn't tell you I was scared That was the first time we were there Holy orange bottles, each night, I pray to you Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too

I went with my mom to a number of her appointments with her, including sitting through chemo with her on more than one occasion. I was raised in the church but as I’ve gotten older lost my faith, lost what it means to believe in a higher power. Because I’ve been hated on in churches, being queer and trans. But in all of this I’ve re-found parts of my faith.

I know delusion when I see it in the mirror You like the nicer nurses, you make the best of a bad deal I just pretend it isn't real

Something I’ve always done, something I got from my mother, is you take the bad things and you shove them under the rug. You forget they exist and I hate to say it, it’s what I’ve been doing. To whatever extent I can. Because I don’t know what I’m supposed to do if I don’t, y’know?

And I hate to make this all about me But who am I supposed to talk to? What am I supposed to do If there's no you?

It’s hard to explain that fear, thinking about what life would be like if she dies. Because as bad as my relationship with my mom is, she’s one of the only pieces of sanity I have close. I mean this in the sense that I talk to my mom a lot, about a lot of stupid stuff, and sometimes about deep stuff. Maybe I do it because I know she won’t remember all of it, or any of it, cos our conversations often happen late at night, but I do it. I talk to her and I don’t know who I’ll talk to like that if she doesn’t get better.

Part of why I’m writing this is because she might not. My mom has a lot of health risks, things that make operating for the cancer dangerous. It’s another reason why my sister and I were surprised when they said she had pancreatic cancer. We found out today that while the surgeon is willing, she’s high risk. Being high risk, the anesthesiologist might deem her too risky. That, despite all of this, she may not be able to get the surgery to remove the tumor. She hasn’t had chemo since May because she’s been too sick and too weak. It��s possible that if they can’t do the surgery, she won’t be able to do chemo again either to keep in check.

That’s hard to take, for all of us and part of me just wants to put Soon You’ll Get Better on repeat because what else can I do? I’ve done what I can but it’s just not enough.

So, that’s the long winded explanation of why I love that song and relate to it so much. And, cos I probably made anyone reading this cry:

Now to try and end this on a much more positive note.

A lot of the songs on the album that I don’t necessarily have proper connections to, that I still love deeply. Cruel Summer, You Need To Calm Down and Me! have this vibe that makes me want to dance, flat out. I go way too hard to the bridge in Cruel Summer. Like, it’s just one of those things I do and I do so apologetically.

London Boy, Daylight, Cornelia Street and Lover are dreamer songs. Songs that make me believe that love does exist in a romantic sense. That when things are rough and tumblr, I can listen to and feel better, cos at least for someone out there a love like that exists. One that is bright and brilliant and still so very soft. They’re also really good songs to dance to. Like, this album really is full of bops.

So, Taylor, should you take the time to read this long post by a random person on the internet, thank you. Thank you for Lover. Thank you for the truth. Thank you for being you. This album has been such a bright spot in my life right now. I take joy in the little things and I take a lot of joy out of this not-so-little thing. This album makes my heart happy, even in the dark and it’s a beautiful thing.

Love,

Charlie (they/he)

#taylor swift #taylorswift #ts7 lover #cancer tw #depression tw #death tw #lover #lover album #not now Charlie

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writingisbetterthandying · 5 years

Text

Misunderstanding - GD

A/N: This was the first fic-fic I actually wrote so I edited it so let’s see how it does!

legitimately very cringy but I chose to keep it up! I wrote this in 2018?

Warnings: Language, Angst

Word Count: 1.8k

Your POV

I love Grayson Bailey Dolan. That is a fact. A well known fact to almost everybody, or at least that's what I thought.

We met three years ago in Jersey, when I was with my grandparents for the summer. I was reaching for a pancake mix, but it had been conveniently placed on the very top shelf. A cute boy with brown hair saw me struggling handed me the box.

We exchanged numbers and talked for a while before heading our separate ways. That boy was Grayson.

We spent the entire summer together [with Ethan too] and then I had found out that they would be moving to LA, where I already lived. We've been dating for almost three years, and it's been a dream. One of the reasons why we've lasted this long is our shared love for film, which is actually why I'm still in LA (besides the twins), is that I'm in film school, and I help them film all the time.

I'm working on a project for one of my classes, and to switch things up, I decided to use my friend Kian as a subject. The twins also happened to be in New York at the moment for TRL, but I still did want to spend time with Kian. Things were always a little tense with the twins and Kian, with the whole Meredith situation, but they both respected my relationship with the other.

Kian being one of my best friends, had asked me to come over and hang out, and then I asked him if his house members would want to be in my short film.

They said yes, so I drove over with all of my equipment.

When I knocked on the door, JC answered and we caught up a little before Kian saw me and toppled me before I even got through the door.

"You ready to film!!?!??" He practically yelled into my ear.

"Okay first off, lower your voice, and don’t forget Lawley, this is still my project."

"Yes ma'am," he said with a little salute.

Almost 3 hours later, filming was done.

"Great job everybody! Thank you for allowing me to do my film y’all, I should get home and edit, but I'll see you guys soon and send you the finished project!"

I was met with a cacophony of "But it's late!" "You should stay the night" "Don't go Y/N!" "We love you please stay!"

I finally gave in, slipped my shoes back off, put down my bag, and plopped on the couch.

"Okay then, what movie are we watching?"

"Well are you guys ready for a Jim Carrey marathon?"

Shouts of disagreement were spread out throughout the room.

"Rude- like you didn't have to be so mean about it like I thought we were friends guys! I thought you guys loved me but I guess none of you would care if I just locked myself in my room all night and cried. Like-" Bobby on the opposite couch had had enough.

"Kian if you don't shut up right now I swear I will lock you out of the house and clear out your room and you can find it all on the curb tomorrow morning."

"But then Y/N could just welcome me into her home."

I shook my head and told him he was on his own, and in return was promptly flipped off.

We eventually started a High School Musical marathon but soon everyone went to their rooms or fell asleep, so it was just me and Kian. He turned to me once the movie ended.

"Y/N, wake up!" I groaned in response, still only half awake.

"You should spend the night man, it’s late."

At this I startled awake, remembering that the twins were supposed to come in from their flight around this time.

"No- I have to get home!"

"Wait why? It’s after midnight?"

"I don't know when Gray gets back, well I do, but you know it’s late, and I want to be there when he gets home."

"God, you're such a nice girlfriend. Okay, go home, but please be safe driving!"

"Thank you Kian, I love you!"

"Love you too now go get your mans!"

I finally got home after the short drive and got up to the house. Once I unlocked the door, I screamed at first, because I was scared that it could have been an intruder, and then it turned to excitement. Gray was home.

"Hi bubba I'm glad you're home!" I leaned in to hug Gray, but he didn't accept the embrace. "Is everything okay? How was set?"

"I dunno, how about you ask Kian," he responded curtly. He seemed tense and honestly pissed.

"You know Kian is just a friend, bubba." Who does he think he is?

Grayson's POV: 3 hours ago

We had boarded the plane a while ago when Ethan showed me a picture of my girlfriend all cuddled up with Kian on Harrison's instagram. The caption was "harrisonwebb97 the gabriella to his troy.

"What the hell is this??"

"Gray, they're just friends. I don’t like him but they’re close. "

"Friends don't hold each other like that. And that caption too- like what the fuck dude?"

"She's known Kian for forever though, have trust in her, plus like look at everyone right next to them too."

"I'll text her later." I did text her later, a lot actually.

where are you?

getting on the plane...

i love you

is your phone off?

please answer me

y/n answer me wtf is going on rn

are you having fun?

kian looks like he's having a blast, holding you like that

i bet you and kian hooked up after that picture on harrison's instagram

well now i'm not the only one in LA.

whatever, I'll see you at home

maybe I should have kissed that fan at the airport, she probably would be less of a slut then you.

Delivered 11:34 pm

I left voicemails too. I knew they were just friends, but she would've answered me by now- she always answers. The delay could only mean one thing. At first I was upset and hurt but now I'm pissed. This is all so stupid.

Grayson's POV: Present

"And friends lend each other sweatshirts." She should know what she did.

"What are you talking about?"

It took her a while before she realized she was wearing Kian's sweatshirt. "He gave it to me while we were watching the movies, I was cold, that's all."

"That doesn't even make sense but what were you doing there in the first place?"

Your POV

Now I was mad. I thought that after everything he would understand that I was loyal to him and only him. He knows that Kian and I are friends.

"I was there to shoot my project and then they asked me to stay for some movies! And it’s just a damn jacket, Gray." He wasn't the only one angry now.

"Well why didn't you answer your phone?"

"My phone was off? You know that- whenever I shoot I have my phone off! Sorry I forgot to turn it back on? What’s your deal right now, because you’re getting so aggro I’m starting to get mad.”

"Check your phone." His face was stoic, and he completely dismissed my words.

I read the messages. All of them. I didn't even want to think about what was on that voicemail. He knew my insecurities-he knows them.

His words had tears starting to trickle down my face, "You don't trust me?" How could he be so presumptive? There’s never been anything like that between Kian and I or anyone else but him for that matter.

"Why should I? I mean you're the one whoring around." His face was blank- and it was scary. Scary how when he’s usually just such a bright and uplifting person, to this dark and angry guy.

The tears just kept on coming, and I could do nothing to stop them. After everything, and this is how he treats me? After one post on social media, he’s calling me such horrible names?

He started to turn away towards the door with his still packed suitcase.

"Three years," I mumbled through my tears. He probably couldn't even be bothered to hear me.

"What?" As he turned around I could tell he was annoyed, but I was heartbroken because my boyfriend, or ex boyfriend- whatever he was now- had said these things. I couldn’t believe how the person I trust the most could be saying such vile and hateful things.

"Three years of trust, of an honest and strong relationship! Gray- I love you. I love you and only you. I thought we had established that but I guess we aren’t on the same page. Kian and I have never been anything more than friends, and you know he has a thing for Franny. I was cold! That was all! I turn my phone off when I film, and you of all people should know this. When I walked through that door I expected to see the man I love almost as excited to see me as I was for him, because of how much I love and miss you. You know that I trust you. You know how I feel about the literal millions of girls pining after you day after day, yet somehow I’m the one you chose. I thought that we had a mutual understanding and that we both trusted another and that we loved each other. I love you Grayson Bailey Dolan. Why can't you see it? Everyone else can."

At the last line I fell to my knees as I sobbed. My body wouldn't stop shaking and my face was probably all blotchy and puffy but I didn't care, I just felt heartbroken.

Grayson's POV

I knew I fucked up. We've gotten into fights before, but nothing too major, and they've been small and it ends with some ice cream. Cute and happy couple-y shit. Not tonight- tonight the only sound in the apartment was the sound of her soft and shaking sobs.

"Look I'm sorry I neve-"

"Why? I mean the things you said," she croaked, and I felt my heart break when I saw the look in her eyes, filled with sadness and fear.

"I was scared, I mean like Look at Kian! He could have anyone." She started to almost laugh? I swear I heard her chuckle.

"Grayson, I told you. Kian has a thing for Franny, and it is mutual, they just aren't official yet. I love you, and only you, and Kian's my friend and all, but I would never actually date him. He’s basically my brother! I don’t see why you can’t just believe what I have to say!”

She was still crying and all I wanted was to hold her. And to apologize over and over again, and to tell her how stupid I was for ever making her so upset.

I wrapped my arms around her, and while she still was tense, she relaxed slightly. I rocked the two of us in silence for a bit, then decided to speak.

"I'm an idiot." She scoffed at that.

"That has been established."

"And an asshole."

"Yes."

"And extremely jealous..."

"No shit Sherlock! What the hell was that!" She slapped my arm with that, but I know she intended no harm.

"...and a terrible boyfriend." This received no response, so I continued. "I shouldn't have acted the way I did. I should never have said the things that I did, regardless of if it was an impulsive move or not. Y/F/N Y/M/N Y/L/N I love you and I fucked up. I want to spend the rest of my life with you and I promise to never doubt your love and trust again. Hell, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you, I want to spend eternity with you, and there's no way you’re getting rid of me. I want to raise a family with you. I want to move back to Jersey with you, I want to live my life with you, and I want everything, but I only want it with you-and now you're crying again." She had turned around, and was holding me close.

"You want a family in Jersey? With me?" She looked up at me with tears still in her eyes, this time hopefully happy tears, but she still sounded scared and unsure. That uncertainty in our future made me feel so horrible.

"Of course. You're the one thing always on my mind and I love you, and only you, forever and always."

"Forever and always" she whispered, and she looked up at me, and now she's actually smiling! "Bailey, I love you, but don't test me again, okay?" she was finally wiping the tears off of her beautiful face.

"I got you Y/N, and I love you too, now lets go to bed okay?"

"Okay."

It would be alright, with time, but for now, they both just needed to hold each other and sleep it off.

#dolan twin imagine #dolan twins #grayson dolan angst #grayson dolan imagine #grayson dolan imagines #grayson x reader #grayson dolan #ethan dolan imagines #ethan dolan #ethan dolan imagine

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tinystarscapes · 5 years

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intoyxurheart’s 2018 Holiday Follow F o r e v e r

Happy holidays, my lovely friends. Today is Christmas, so we know what that means: My 2nd annual follow forever! So as always, Merry Christmas to my lovelies who celebrate, and Happy Holidays to literally everyone. This year’s been quite a weird one, but I honestly couldn’t be happier that I’ve gotten to share it with all of you. I’ve gotten close to new people, formed new relationships, and overall just enjoyed every second of this year with all of you. I wish I knew exactly who to put on this list, but as always, I’m afraid to miss anyone. Just know that I love absolutely everyone of you who sees this post, and that I never ever want to be without you all.

A lot has happened this year, just like in the last one. Some was good, some not so good, but I want to take this time to focus on the positive things, because I feel blessed to have each and every one of you this year. I broke 700 followers a few months ago, and I never properly thanked you all for this. But thank you, because honestly I have no idea how any of you have put up with me, nor did I ever think I would make it this far. I’ll stop being sappy now, but here goes nothing:

♡ The Besties~

♡~ @thexsisters another year is almost over, and once again, you’re one of the most amazing friends I could ever hope to have. Your friendship means the absolute world to me, and I just want to thank you for being the reason I haven’t gone insane yet. I share things with you that I don’t feel like I can share with anyone else, and I’m honestly just happy to have you in my life. I believe that this is only our second Christmas, but it feels like we’ve been friends for so much longer than just two years. My day never feels complete if I haven’t spoken with you, and I just hope that you know that you can always come to me if you need to talk about absolutely anything. Thank you for being one of the best friends that I could ever ask for. You never fail to be there for me when I need support, and you’re always someone I can trust to tell what’s going on in my head without feeling judged or worried about what you might think of me after I tell you something. You’re always so encouraging when I’m down our when I decide I want to try a new avenue or venture out to a new career path, which I know I’ve done a lot this year. I have no idea what I’ve done to deserve someone as kind, caring, and supportive as you, but I’m happy to call you one of the closest friends I have, and I’m glad I did whatever it was. I don’t think there are words to describe quite how much I appreciate you and all that you do. Because even when I’ve felt down and out, you’ve helped me to realize that I can do and be more. Because you’ve never once given up on me, even though there have certainly been times where I’ve wanted to give up on myself.

♡~ @serenityxbecca wow has a lot happened this year. Honestly, I’m just gonna come out and say this: I love you. You’re one of the best people to ever have happened to me, and I just want you to know this. Before we were together, I had always had bad luck in relationships, and things never ended well, or even lasted longer than a month or two. Which is why I think at first I was so scared, but you helped me not to worry about any of that anymore. Because of you I truly believe that I’m capable of loving someone, and that’s amazing to me. Because god, I’ve never felt the way I feel about you about anyone else, and that’s just the honest truth. Back in May when I was meeting a family member for the first time, you really made me feel like everything was going to be okay, just the fact that I was able to turn to you made that whole day easier. During that panic attack I had that night when conversation got intense, I don’t think I ever got the chance to properly thank you for that. To be honest, you are my rock. And I can’t tell you how much I love you for that and for everything you do. Basically what I’m saying is that I’m glad you’re my person, because you mean the absolute world to me. I love you, babe.

♡~ @tripletroublefisher I’ve potentially never been happier to have made a new friend, if I may just be perfectly honest. Like I just really enjoy talking to you eVEN THOUGH I’M PRETTY SURE I RAMBLE A LOT BUT IT’S FINE. PS I hope you know that when you told me I could just throw my muses at you, you opened a door that can’t be closed LMAO I’m going to drown you in starters at some point, and I’d like to say I’m sorry in advance bUT DON’T LET ME FOOL YOU BECAUSE I’M PROBABLY NOT SORRY I’M A LIL SHIT.

♡~ @xaksirenx I’VE NEVER MET SOMEONE I HAVE SO MANY SIMILARITIES WITH. I’m seriously not convinced that we’re not the same person at this point, like honestly. ANYWAY I’m really glad to have met you and started talking with you, because I have no idea where I’d be without you, my friend. You understand me on a level most people don’t, and you know how to keep me from being the most anxious human being to literally ever exist. Like I just don’t understand how you do that, but like talking to you makes me mellow out a lot. YOU ARE ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS NOW, THERE’S NO STOPPING IT. If you ever need anything I’ll be here. Like, you need me to hit someone with a chair from a preschool classroom? Done deal. I’ll be there in three seconds flat.

♡~ @segrxti My bestest friend whom I love more than life itself. Honestly I don’t even know what I could tell you that I haven’t already. Thank you for putting up with me and my mental breakdowns, thank you for being there for me when I feel alone, and thank you for always being the one to make me smile when I feel like no one else can. I really do love you friend. So much more than I could ever tell you.

♡~ @crazyinlvv I absolutely adore your face and I’m glad I found your blog. Honestly, I really love all of our threads, absolutely every single one of our muse interactions, and Kris and Misun are literally one of the cutest ships I have. I’m proud to have made my first private muse one for you! You’re always so sweet when I post about being anxious or sad or whatever it may be, and you’re also incredibly supportive when I post about potential job opportunities. It’s REALLY TEMPTING to respond every time you have a plot to do, because I just want to love on you and your muses.

♡~ @trulyhopelessromantic My first follower ever across all of my tumblr accounts! You’ve been supporting me and my writing since the very beginning and I don’t think I can thank you enough for that. Even when I was abandoned by my first group rp because I was going through family troubles, you stuck by my side and that’s the biggest reason I’m even still on this site. I hope you know exactly how much that means to me, because it means so so much to me, and I don’t think I can even put it into words at this point.

♡~ @herethereismagic THE BAMBAM TO MY YUGYEOM! THE CHAN TO MY FELIX! THE YOUNGK TO MY JAE! THE SUGA TO MY J-HOPE! THE JIN TO MY JIMIN! Yous the bestest, and honestly, you’re one of the only people that I don’t speak proper English to anymore. Thank you for being the bestest friend I could ever have asked for, and for letting me spam you when I get anxious. I feel like I can talk to you about anything and you won’t judge me for it. Because yous just that great. I panic a lot and you just know how to calm me down and I just really admire that. I also really just wanna thank you for encouraging me to do what I need to do and to cut ties with the people I know aren’t good for me or my mental health. You’re basically the only one I listen to when it comes to that. Though I’m not always sure it isn’t because you just wanna be my only friend. Just kidding. If I made a list thanking you for all you do for me, it’d be a mile long and no one would want to read it. But I’m grateful for absolutely all you do. I will definitely never regret giving you my number and I will always be your hype man. Like I just really love you. Obviously you know I struggle to be sappy but like you’re the reason I’m still here just in general a lot of the time and I don’t know if you know that. But I hope you do because I love you.

♡~ @heavenlyprincex You are 100% one of the best people I’ve ever met. I’m happy to have you as a part of my life, and I hope that you know that I’m always happy when I get to talk to you. You maaaaaay very well be the reason I’m such a hoe for angst now, just... I hope you take pride in that. Because I make a lot of things angsty now just because I can. I hope that you know if you ever need anyone or anything, I will always be here for you. I’M NOT GOOD AT BEING SAPPY AUGH! Just know that I always want to cling when you’re around because you’re just that great.

♡ People I want to get to know better in the next year~

♡ @chisapuppy, @snhynwoo, @kionicat, @xhydnx, @kwobin, @the-ones-who-fall, @vivccious, and probably a bunch of people I forgot to mention... ♡

♡ People I admire from afar~

♡ @tuggeriisms, @hoseokwrite, @vangxards, @starguk-seoulstars, @oflunarisms, @boraxquinn, @sxoulmxses, and basically 95% of people I follow but don’t interact with/rarely interact with because I’m a shy bean who literally struggles to approach anyone ever, please know that I love you all already and I’m building up the courage to actually talk to you. ♡

#ι'м ƒιηє тнαηк уσυ (ooc)#follow forever #Holiday Follow Forever #Christmas 2018

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todisturbtheuniverse · 5 years

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2018 Year End Writing Review

Even though I haven’t been posting much fic around these parts, it’s become something of an annual tradition to look back on the year’s progress, writing-wise.

The short version: I wrote 500,206 words this year, and spent about 364 hours doing it. Since I wrote 500,017 words last year, I fully expected this year to be kind of a dip year, but instead, I’ve written a million words in the last two years. That is...pretty damn neat, honestly.

The long version, if you’re interested in a load of stuff I couldn’t post here:

What I worked on:

More of that 2013 NaNo novel. The whale, as I called it in my last year-end report. It is still that. I still love it, I still hate it, I will keep chipping away at it. I did a huge re-outline of it earlier this year and began redrafting, but late in the year I largely shelved it to focus on another project that I felt was closer to being “done” (see below).

A second draft of the novella whose first draft I finished near the end of 2017. Is it still going to be a novella when it’s done? Fuck if I know. We’ll find out eventually. This is another project I stalled on and ended up shelving near the end of the year, but I’m hoping to pick it up again in 2019 and push forward.

An old romance novel concept that I’d dropped a few years back. I picked it up again, gave it a bit of a polish, a new outline, and got some chapters written. I’m planning on pushing forward with this, too, so that the next time a certain publisher sends out their open call again that I’ll be ready to submit.

Writing the recaps for our group’s first Pathfinder game, which I was a player/recordkeeper for. They were narrative recaps. They were detailed. They took a lot of time. But I’m glad to have the record.

Worldbuilding and story prep for the Pathfinder game I started running in late September. I started working on this in March, for an introductory one-shot that I ran in May, and then continued working on it throughout the summer--and beyond, of course, because even while the game is now being played, there’s a whole wide world to develop. This is my happy sandbox place, where I get to put things like villages with sod roof houses and vast cities built into an ancient forest and twisty pantheons. Sometimes I feel crushed beneath the anxiety of actually running the game--I would probably do better with a system like 5E, with less goddamn crunch--but just creating for this place is usually a joy.

Fic. I revisited Inquisition and Mass Effect; branched into Star Wars: Rebels; and got really, really into Stardew Valley (more fic definitely to come on that front). I’ve really allowed fic to become my happy, easy place this year; it’s not something I do unless I’m really just feeling like relaxing, and that’s really nice. But I don’t necessarily post it, unless I feel it’s ready to face the world...and sometimes, I write things that just won’t see the light of day. I’m becoming more comfortable with that. Sometimes it feels like writing without a purpose, but sometimes the purpose of entertaining myself is enough, yeah?

There was a real variety in what I wrote this year. I always felt like I had something I could work on, and this list doesn’t even really encompass the random new ideas that I scribbled down during weekly prompt sprints/while on walks/shower thoughts/etc. I had a lot of options, a lot of things in various stages of creation (brainstorming, outlining, first draft, second draft, eighth draft, whatever). So even when I was stuck on one thing, I could progress on another.

But how well did I stick to the goals I set last year? Ehhh.

Last Year’s Goals

Spend a little time writing every day: This was probably the smartest of my goals. Committing myself to spend a little time--even just five minutes--writing daily leads to me writing more, overall. And I did a fair job of it, writing somewhere between 2/3 and 3/4 of days every month. This is the goal I did best with, and it’s one I want to keep.

No word count goal: I’m pretty sure I set this goal and forgot all about it. I crave word count goals. I love them. They feed me. I set a bunch of them, month by month. I’m not sure they’re totally nutritious, though. More about that later.

Permission to write ficlets, drabbles, and even multi-chaptered fics as I want to: I did write--and post--more fic this year than in 2017, 35,221 words to AO3 and much more that didn’t get posted. But still hardly any, compared to my previous output. There was a different category of writing that kind of sucked up the time I would usually use for polishing fic, I think: building a world/campaign for a new Pathfinder game.

Get back to These Chains: I did not. *the world’s longest sigh* I was so optimistic when I first started posting this thing. I had it pretty much fully outlined and a draft halfway written, so I figured I would have no trouble keeping up a posting schedule, but. That didn’t happen, and then the thing has languished, and given everything that happened in 2018 I just didn’t have time to get back to it. Someday. I hope.

So. What have we learned?

Well, there’s a thing I’m good at, and a thing I’m comfortable with, and a thing I like doing above all else, and that’s churning out a first draft. Working on a new thing. Spitting out words haphazardly. That’s how I, personally, wrote a million words in two years. I love it. It feeds my soul.

But something needs to change if I ever want to really finish these six hundred projects I’m juggling with increasingly frantic speed. And fuck, do I. I feel like my 2013 NaNo novel has potential, but for five years now that’s all it’s been--potential, locked up behind five additional drafts which have not been so much refined as have been entirely new drafts. I don’t like editing. It’s hard and annoying and at the end of two hours I feel like I have pretty much nothing to show for it. No nice numbers I can plug into my fancy spreadsheet. Maybe less words than I began with. Probably less words than I began with, actually.

But editing is probably hard for me because it’s not something I like to practice, so I haven’t. Not with any real dedication. And with that in mind...

Goals for 2019

Write, brainstorm, or edit a little bit every day. I’m starting off easy in January with a totally attainable goal of 5 minutes per day, which I will surely overshoot, but toward the end of last year I really fell out of the habit of writing or writing-adjacent activities, and it showed in how my word count and time spent dropped. Habits help me, so I’m going to re-establish some good habits.

Learn some different editing techniques, and practice them. In particular, I try to do everything at once when I edit, and I want to try that top down method of: one pass for worldbuilding, one pass for plot structure, one pass for character arcs, one pass for dialogue, etc., etc.

Remember to do your fun writing when you need it. There could always stand to be more fic in the world, after all.

And that’s that! Here we go into 2019. I hope all of your creative endeavors, whatever they may be, meet with much success.

#universe writes about writing

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nightglider124 · 6 years

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RobStar Week 2018: Day 3

So, yeah, I’m a day late in posting this and day 4 will be up later but this one; I forgot to click post last night before I fell asleep -_-

Pft, most of this was written when I was at work XD

Just called me miss cliche bc all my oneshots for this week are just that tbh lmao. Hope ya’ll like it though.

Dance

Snowflakes floated down from the sky, joining their brothers and sisters as they stuck to the cold, icy sidewalks. The small flakes landed all over the city, coating the ground with thick layers of snow.

The snowfall was slowly but surely getting heavier as it was quickly turning into a blizzard outside rather than a passing snow storm as the news broadcasters had initially predicted.

The night skies was turning darker and bleaker, but with it so like a snowglobe that had just been shaken up; it was simply magical.

Starfire would usually be out there, sitting on the roof of the tower, watching the world tick by, no matter how cold or how snowy it became.

But, not tonight.

Tonight, she was curled up on the sofa in the main room of the tower, sniffling and tugging her fluffy violet blanket over herself a little more, trying to console herself with the item as much as she could.

Starfire whimpered and rubbed her wrist against her eyes, attempting to ignore the dried tears that had now made her cheeks somewhat itchy. Her eyes refocused on the movie playing on the giant screen.

Titanic was not a winter movie, nor was it one of the happiest movies but Starfire felt drawn to it, choosing a movie that suited her current emotions.

She felt lonely; everyone else was out of the tower. Raven had been dragged to the movie theatre by Beast Boy who had been pleading for her to go see the newest Wicked Scary that had been released.

Starfire quirked a tiny smile. Raven would never let go of that sarcastic and nonchalant façade of hers but the alien knew her friend was actually very excited to go and see it with him but she was sworn to secrecy by the empath, of course.

Cyborg was over at Titans East for the weekend, helping out and fixing some of their failing technology circuits within their tower, as well as spending some overdue time with Bumblebee.

And, worst of all, Robin was in Gotham.

That was the one that really had her emotions in turmoil. They had been in a relationship for nearly 6 months now and they’d been inseparable. Since Tokyo, Robin had been so attentive and had been making so much more time for them; it was bliss.

But, his father, being the celebrity icon that he was in Gotham was hosting his annual Winter Ball charity event. It was splashed across newspapers and it was bound to be a glorious event with glitz and glamour.

And, she wasn’t invited.

Starfire knew it wasn’t a malicious dig at her from Bruce but it hurt when the invite addressed to Robin had a specific note of coming alone; after all, there was no record of Dick Grayson having a current girlfriend.

Disappointed as she was, Robin was the one who was more irritated by it all. He ranted and raved about Bruce and his playboy ways and how he tried portraying him in the same light which was so far from the truth of who Robin was. He was angry that he couldn’t take her with him and how he didn’t want to leave her for a short trip to Gotham.

But, she’d done what she always did. She smiled and shook her head, stating that it did not matter and that he should go and have a wonderful time. He was hesitant, which she knew he would be but with a deep kiss, she waved him goodbye a few days prior.

He had been gone only a couple of days and the ball was tonight. He would be home again soon but dark thoughts kept haunting her mind, wondering what he was doing and wondering how much influence Bruce had over her boyfriend.

Whether he’d be dancing with any pretty girls.

Starfire squeezed her eyes shut and felt more tears slip down her cheeks.

It was the first time that she had ever really been alone and she decided she wasn’t a fan. The last couple days, yes she had missed Robin but she had Raven, Beast Boy and Cyborg to hang out with and take her mind off things.

Tonight, she was on her own and there was nothing to distract her from her worries.

She wondered if he would be wearing that lovely tux she had seen him in only a handful of times before. He looked so very handsome in evening clothes and without that mask of his, it was even better.

Sighing, she blindly reached for another tissue to dry her eyes.

She felt miserable and all she wanted was for her Robin to be there with her rather than a number of hours away, probably being manhandled by some politicians daughter.

Dropping her head to her drawn up knees, Starfire made a small whining sound. She was not an overly jealous person but the thought of him being under Bruce’s command at such an event, her heart hurt. She knew how persuasive and manipulative Bruce could be.

Starfire swallowed the lump in her throat and lifted her eyes to the screen. It was at the part where Jack was holding and kissing Rose at the very front of the ship. Starfire frowned and felt about 100 times worse.

She just really missed Robin.

Suddenly, the already dim lights went out altogether, alongside the TV. She snapped to attention, raising an eyebrow in confusion. She sighed in frustration, realising the approaching snow blizzard had probably knocked the electricity out.

Oh, she hated going down to the basement for that infernal generator. It was so dark and eerie down there.

She exhaled loudly and started moving the blanket off of her body when soft music started drifting from the speakers surrounding the main room.

Freezing in place, Starfire furrowed her eyebrows and tilted her head, perplexed. She got to her feet and spun around, suddenly hearing very light footsteps.

Her eyes widened and her shoulders slumped in complete and utter surprise.

“Robin?”

There he stood, in that gorgeous tux of his, hair slicked back in such a suave manner that she could have physically swooned. He had a small affectionate smile painted on his lips and he twirled a single red rose between his fingers.

“Hi Star.”

Her heart started racing both from shock and overwhelming joy,

“Wh-What are you doing here? You are supposed to be-” Starfire started, taking a moment to think about whether she had actually fallen asleep watching Titanic and this was simply all a dream.

“I’m supposed to be in Gotham, I know.” He replied and leaned against the kitchen island counter before he deeply sighed, “But, I really missed you.”

Her heart damn near exploded in her chest at hearing that but she was still a little apprehensive, “But… the ball… surely Bruce will be furious with you.”

Robin signalled her to come closer to him which she obediently did, drifting over until he reached his hand out and rested it against her waist. His touch was so warm and she felt so much better just from seeing him.

“I don’t care if Bruce is pissed off. I wanted to be home with you.” He murmured, making her blush.

His other hand snaked out and held her waist, Starfire instinctively wrapping her arms around his shoulders. Gently, he manoeuvred her and they started to sway in time with the soothing music.

“Did something happen?” She asked quietly, knowing how much he and Bruce argued,

Robin shook his head, “Not really. I got there and refused to crack a smile and when he pulled me up on my behaviour, I made it clear to him where I’d rather be.”

A sweet, bashful little smile erupted on Starfire’s face and she stared into his maskless blue eyes, “Robin…” She cooed,

He gave her a serene smile and brought her to him, her head resting on his shoulder as they swayed to the sound of the music.

After a long stretch of comfortable silence, Robin tapped her lower back,

“Star... why didn’t you say something if you had a problem with me going?” He asked,

She sighed and stayed snuggled against him, “I did not wish to make an issue of it. I also did not think I would have such a problem with it until tonight... I was on my own and... it left me to worry a lot about what you might be doing...”

He pulled back for a minute to look at her, “Don’t you trust me?”

“I trust you. I do not, however, trust Bruce as much.”

Robin nodded, understanding where she was coming from, “I wish you had been able to come with me. You would have loved the music.”

She smiled absently and playfully narrowed her eyes at him, “Did you dance with any pretty girls?”

He chuckled and rolled his eyes, “Of course not. The only pretty girl I’d dance with is you.”

“But, you hate dancing.”

Robin shrugged, “Not when it’s with the right person.”

Starfire laughed as he pulled back and made her twirl, before bringing her back to his chest to continue their slow dancing. She looked up at him from where her head rested against his shoulder and he gave her a tiny smile, before leaning forward to give her a kiss.

He was right of course; dancing was glorious, but only when it was with the right person.

#teen titans #robin #starfire #robstar #robstar week 2018 #robstarweek #robstar week #fanfiction #oneshot #day 3 #dc comics #dance #nightglider124 #robstarweek2018

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squaredev · 5 years

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Update

Okay, I think it’s about time I give a small update on what I’ve been doing the past few weeks, what I’m doing now, and what I plan to do in the coming months. I said on Twitter I would make a post about it like a month ago and then of course I completely forgot to actually do it. Anyway, on to the important stuff:

What I’ve been doing:

After the second demo for Knight & Witch back in September I was feeling burned out and frustrated with the game and with myself. I rushed the demo out, in a very buggy and incomplete state, and had to go back to fix it many times before people could actually get to the end. I didn’t have enough time before the deadline, so I skipped playtesting almost completely, which led to a huge number of bugs and just things not working properly.

Even after fixing (almost) everything wrong with the demo from a technical standpoint, the feedback I received was very mixed, and worst of all, I agreed with it completely. Controlling the characters feels clunky and slow; attacks (especially the Witch’s spells) aren’t fun to perform; putting lots of enemies everywhere is not good; a certain puzzle can soft-lock the game if you leave the other character behind; ironically, leaving a character behind makes the game easier because you can stop worrying about them running into traps or getting killed; at the same time, the character you left behind might get attacked while off-screen... The list goes on (and on) but you get the idea.

So anyway, the rush for the demo didn’t pay off and I was feeling down. I needed a break, and I wanted to pursue other projects to kind of relax and take my mind off of it for a while.

So I decided to pick and old project of mine back up: if you’ve been following me for a long time you might remember ColorFall, a mobile game I was working on around 2 years ago. Back then I was close to done but I stopped right before publishing (I’m not completely sure why, maybe I was just bored with it). Anyway, with the programming skills I acquired during this time, I managed to do some major upgrades to ColorFall, starting from refactoring the whole code base to be more efficient, performant and extensible. From there, I went ahead and added some new gameplay features such as special ball types, each with its own effect, implemented online leaderboards and greatly improved the UI design to feel more responsive and ‘juicy’. At this point the game was (and still is) ready to be published, both on PC and Android. The only thing still missing are the sound effects, which I’m waiting for from the same person who I commissioned for the music.

What I’m doing now:

As you can probably guess, working on ColorFall wasn’t really hard or taxing, and it was actually refreshing to get into a project where I could make quick and steady progress, something I had been missing for a while. So in the mean time, I also spent time thinking and thinking and thinking about how to fix the gameplay for Knight & Witch, how to make the combat deeper and more engaging, and just dumping every idea I had regarding the game on a paper notebook I have just for this purpose. Recently, after releasing a game for agdg’s Halloween Jam (SpooQuest), I finally decided to go back and resume work on K&W. Among my priorities, I wanted to finally let the Knight use his shield to guard himself and the Witch from enemy attacks. I don’t have much to show, and in the last few days I’ve been busy with other things so progress is slow, but I think I’m starting to see the path in front of me again.

Also in the last few months I’ve been coming back time and time again to the idea of asking for help to a programmer. But this time it’s different (sort of): now I’m not as non-confident in my coding skills as I used to be. I think I can code all the features I need for my game. However the thing is, I also want to work on the art. So like, I can, and want to, do both things, but obviously this means the game will take a long time to complete. Having a programmer by my side would mean that while he’s coding, I can make models, thus ‘doubling’ the pace of progress.

Anyway you know how it goes, it’s not easy for me to just leave the code-side to somebody else so for now I’m just going to keep working by myself, asking for help only when I need.

What I plan to do next:

Now, what will I be doing in the future? Well, obviously I will keep working on Knight & Witch. I have quite a lot of features planned that I couldn’t implement in the past either due to time constraints or due to my lack of knowledge/skill. I’m feeling slightly more confident now, and the feedback I’ve received with the last demo put me in the right direction I think. As I said above, progress is going slow and the fact that I will be doing it alone, at least in the foreseeable future, means things will take time. A lot of it.

I remember posting my New Year’s Resolutions around a year ago, and I planned to make a ‘real’ game by myself and publish it by the end of 2018. Well, I guess that’s not going to happen. But it’s for the best. A lot of things happened, the scope of the game grew a whole bunch while I was developing it, and for several weeks I had other matters keeping me away from gamedev.

Now with the wall of text out of the way, I will make a follow-up post with images and videos of ColorFall and Knight & Witch to kind of show what changed since my last post here.

There’s also another thing I should talk about, but I’l do so in a separate post to keep things more focused.

#blogpost #gamedev #video games #update #knight&witch #colorfall #agdg

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femslashy · 5 years

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2018 fic year in review

thank you so much for tagging me @homosociallyyours !! this was really fun (and also a bit hard haha) to do ^__^

1. number of stories (including drabbles) posted to ao3: 19 (6 100 word seasonal drabbles, and out of the rest 4 are under 1k and 2 are chaptered but one of those is still a WIP)

2. word count posted for the year: 142,383 which is def more than i’ve written in previous years but my initial goal for this year was 200k and then i lowered it to 150k and then decided i should focus less on word count and more on actually finishing the fics lmaooo

3. list of works posted this year in order of posting:

the tesco fic (although i didn’t make the tumblr post until recently)

three spring drabbles (100 words each)

begin again [timestamp] (my only snowbaz fic in 2018)

we’re swimming with the sharks until we drown

SPHERICAL

got me an appetite, now i can taste it

Take a Chance on Me

Getting Naked on Camera (NOT CLICKBAIT)

my favourite colour is you

louis tomlinson’s completely 100% foolproof guide to snagging the fit bloke next door (3 100 word drabbles)

no better place than right by your side

days gone by (WIP)

love the cronch

zero to sixty

where the love light gleams

4. fandoms i wrote for: mostly one direction and by that i mean i posted a timestamp for a carry on fic from 2017 and the rest was one direction lol

5. pairings: harry/louis, simon/baz (ONCE)

6. story with the most hits: Take a Chance on Me with 10975 hits :o

7. story with the most kudos: Take a Chance on Me with 426 kudos

8. story with the most comments: Take a Chance on Me with 52 comments threads

9. work i’m most proud of and why: well Take a Chance on Me was both my first time doing a big bang as well as the longest thing i’ve ever written (twice the length of the previous longest!) and i’m still completely in love with the art for it courtesy of @vulpixlou and i def don’t go back to stare at it ever nope 👀👀

10. work i’m least proud of and why: i mean i could nitpick the hell out of my stuff and i know there are certain bits i would write differently now but at the same time i created something with my brain that didn’t exist before and that’s just too cool not to be proud of ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

11. a favorite excerpt of your writing:

this is from Take a Chance on Me (shocker) and i was having trouble thinking of my fave but then i was skimming through all of my fics and ngl i had forgotten about this bit but y’all i’ve been trying to work a Dramatic Airport Reunion into a fic FOR FUCKING EVER and i finally did it and i actually don’t hate it? (spoiler for the ending of Take a Chance on Me)

“See…” Louis starts. “See, there’s this guy. And, oh god, he’s an absolute twat. Wanna know what he did to me?” Harry nods faintly, and Louis, emboldened now, goes on. “So, I already knew who he was, right? I knew him, because he’d been in this god-awful boy band for years, and even if me bloody sisters hadn’t been so bloody in love with him, I’d still have known him, because he was just that famous.”

“I wasn’t that famous.”

“Don’t interrupt,” Louis chastises, and Harry mimics zipping his lips. “So this guy, I knew him, but he didn’t know me, but, fucking hell, I think someone forgot to tell him that, because there I was, minding my own business, when this kid just…” Louis giggles then, because the memory is just so ridiculous, “he just starts fucking singing to me, can you believe it?”

Harry shakes his head. “What a weirdo.”

“Right? The weirdest.”

“What happened next?”

“I fell in love with him.”

“What? That soon?”

“Of course not, Jesus, Harold. I’m not that pathetic. I waited the appropriate amount of time to fall in love, thank you very much.”

“Is that why you’re here, then?” Harry whispers. “Is it because you love him?”

“That’s part of it, yeah. I love him, and I love the way we just fit, and I adore his daughter, and our pets are friends now, and I think our sisters are best friends now, so they didn’t actually give me a choice, but do you want to know the biggest, most important reason?”

Harry nods quickly, so hard his chin bumps his chest, and Louis’ so fucking in love with him at that moment that these are the easiest words he’s ever said.

“I’m here,” he tells Harry, “because I was lying in my own bed, in my own house, surrounded by all my things, and all I wanted to do was go home.”

He’s yanked forward then, Harry’s fingers digging into his shoulders, and he barely feels the pain because it’s Harry, and everything’s good when it’s Harry. He’s babbling into Louis’ neck, and the only words he can make out are his name and “love you” and he shivers with the feeling.

Harry’s hair has grown out enough since the night Louis snuck in to see him that he can tangle his fingers in the strands. So he does, pulling Harry’s face away from his neck and pressing their lips together. Every kiss feels like an apology. Every kiss feels like home.

12. share or describe a favorite review you recieved: so this miiiiight be cheating but i received two comments on a fic i wrote in 2015 and it was kind of a surprise that something that old still held up and people still enjoy it? def made me feel better about my current writing and also anyone who quotes my fics back to me has earned my undying love and affection

13. a time when writing was really, really hard: i have adhd so p much always ahahaha

14. a scene or character you wrote that most surprised you: the entirety of “we’re swimming with the sharks until we drown” ngl because i struggled with the like… morally gray criminal-y elements? and portraying the two of them in such a different way while still staying in character which i like to think i nailed? hopefully lol

15. how did you grow as a writer this year? i don’t feel like a i have? but i’m also bias and hypercritical so maybe i did and just didn’t realize ahaha

16. how do you hope to grow next (this?) year: i want to enjoy writing again and i want to finish more fics and not let them rot in my docs because of self-doubt

who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer: okay so first @amandaisnotwriting is the real MVP as she bears the brunt of my whining/complaining/drama queen moments as well as the fact that she listens (some would argue is forced to :p) and reads over fic for a pairing she doesn’t ship for a fandom she doesn’t care about 😂😂😂

@rainbowbaz always makes time to look over my fics even when she’s crazy busy and is honestly amazing and saves my fics from americanisms ahahaha

and FINALLY we met p late in the year but but @livingatthelairport ‘s comment on “the tesco fic” helped me out of a writing slump and now she’s become my cheerleader (and friend 💜) and that’s make a huge difference in my attitude towards writing! it’s also easier to write a fic for a specific person than worry about the opinion of a crowd which is def something i’ve been missing in this fandom rip

also to everyone else who has read my fics, listened to me rant about them or just helped the process along in any way at all this is a GIANT thank you!!

18. anything from your real life show up in your writing this year? i mean i can’t think of anything off the top of my head but a lot of my inspo comes from the world around me so probably lol

19. any wisdom you can share with other writers: there’s nothing wrong with feeling jealous of other writers because i’m not a fan of hiding feelings just because they’re ugly as long as you don’t let it fester and turn into resentment or make you bitter. there are a lot of factors that go into a fic becoming “big” in a fandom but honestly most of it is just random chance so don’t beat yourself up because someone else’s success is not your failure and it’s nice to get recognition for your hard work but if you’re writing solely for the feedback then you’re writing for the wrong reason and that will lead to the resentment and bitterness mentioned earlier

also if you compliment someone you say you like their outfit but if you complement someone then you complete them

20. any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I’M GLAD YOU ASKED

these are all the things i didn’t start and/or finish in 2018 that WILL be completed this year

the cat fic

the doctor fic

the final three chapters of days gone by

penpal AU

Space. Florist.

teenage fanboys who are also best friends

baking blog fic

a short follow up to tacom

twitter drama fic

80’s/’high school’/secret admirer!AU

something based on yawning grave by lord huron

part three of the alien harry series

chocolate orange holiday fic

LA fic (wtwm)

70’s fic

monkey fic

i’m also planning to do the @larryabroad challenge again because i had so much fun with it last time :D

21. tag some writers whose answers you’d like to read:

p sure everyone has done this but if you haven’t then do it now! and also tagging @cosyblack k bc you’ve had a really good year even if i have beta bias 😂

this took waaay longer than i thought it would omg but it was nice to take a look back!!

#me a writer writing all of this: i’m not good with words

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thebookrat · 5 years

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There is a thing I am really bad at, and that is self promotion. I just don't do it. Partly it's because it can feel so awkward, but mostly it's because I'm lazy and forgetful. And also, I like to pretend that everything I do is such magic that people are just going to find it out of ***sheer amazingness*** or something.

I've always just been grateful for apps and extensions that auto-tweet/share my blog posts and videos, because I could set them up once and let 'em have at it, hope for the best, and then promptly forget about it all. But at some point last year, I realized that I was not only doing myself a disservice, but that this feeling of sharing things you make with the world and being proud of them is something awkward and to be frowned-upon is something women are conditioned to feel and internalize in the name of being seen as cool and not pushy, and that also, probably nobody cares? — and I have no need for that voice in my head anymore.

This year marks my tenth year blogging, and I am proud of what I've done here.

I am proud of reviews I've written and books I've discussed in videos.

And if I can't share my own work and be happy with it, how can I expect it to find an audience of people who do care, and want to relate and discuss; who don't give a damn about being coolly aloof and would rather gush about books along with me?

Obviously, since I run a blog where I share my opinions with the world, it's not like this is new territory. But in 2019, I want to embrace the work I've done, and let the world know it.

Which is my long-winded way of saying, today starts a small series of looking back at my 2018 in reviews, videos, and general booknerdom and sharing my favorites. Maybe you missed some of these things the first time around, or meant to read or comment when it first popped up, but forgot. Or maybe this is your first time here, and you're thinking I'm really dramatic right now, but still, maybe you'll look around and find a book you're going to love.

That's cool, too.

January

Okay, I really am not going to share basically every post for each month, and not each post is going to be dedicated to one month only — but January had some good stuff, you guys! I mean, obviously, we need to start off by taking a look at all of the many things I loved (and the many that I did not) in 2017, with my Best Of / Worst Of, Year-End Wrap-up. I also had the first of a number of "lunch chats," which I intend to continue doing this year, because it's really relaxing to sit down and chat books over lunch with you guys! For this first one, I gushed over one of my favorite books of the year, Tess of the Road! (spoiler for a later post in this series. ;P )

I had a very. . . in depth and emotional discussion of T. E. Carter's I Stop Somewhere, rape culture, and the #MeToo movement. I also reviewed Marissa Meyer's Renegades and Jennifer A. Nielson's The Traitor's Game (lolol): "Some people might not find enough of a redeeming quality in the characters or the plot. . .[I rated it highly, but] in hindsight, when you get out of the glow of the book, you're like, ummm, was this a plot hole, could this have been stronger?"

~ on Renegades

"Yes, hello, I've just kidnapped you and am threatening your life, are we in love yet? It's been nearly a full 2 days, after all. Oh, we are? Yay!"

~on Traitor's Game

I gave you some of my favorite tips, tricks and approaches to reading more (as well as hosting the 3rd 30 Day Book Binge! And hey, wouldn't you know, it's still going strong! We're currently in round 7!), and shared some of the series I've really liked... but never finished. (Oops.)

I'll be back in a day or two with a look at my fave posts from February and March, but until then, I'd love to hear something that YOU did last year that you're proud of or wish more people had seen. If it's linkable, feel free to drop a link!

via The Book Rat

#IFTTT #The Book Rat

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bts-love-sweat-tears · 6 years

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Julie’s Love Yourself Concert Diary

Concert Date: September 29, 2018

Written: September 30, 2018

Warnings: I curse more than I should?

Words: 3,330ish-added a few things at the last minute (phew!)

A/N:

[Update: Tumblr couldn’t upload all my photos that I spent awhile choosing and placing, so I’m going to have to pare it down. Sorry bbs! I opted to cut my personal & merch photos in favor of the boys]

So I have one thousand and one things I should be working on-for school, for work, for my eventual job hunt. But instead I am going to write about last night’s experience while it was still fresh in my mind. I was thinking of doing a song-by-song play-by-play, but you can look up the setlist on Wikipedia, so instead I am going to talk about the things that jumped out at me. WARNING: This is essentially one giant spoiler, so I will try to put a “Read More” cut, though it’s been being weird for me lately. So scroll carefully if you’re going to a later date and don’t want to know. All photos taken on my (now ancient) iPhone 6, so I tried to choose the best ones). Will edit as I see typos I made.

I’m a little nervous since I usually write fiction instead of sharing my personal experience. Anyway, full disclosure that this is just my perspective, and I’m (always) happy to discuss things (civilly) if you disagree with me. <3 Photos and opinions are mine.- please don’t re-post anywhere else.

The Background/ Pulling a Namjoon and Leaving my Ticket at Home

Even though I was going to the Saturday show, I flew into LaGuardia using frequent flyer miles on Friday morning. I was staying with a friend in Queens, so I went straight to her apartment. I’m a grad student as most of you probably know at this point, so I spent most of Friday working on a paper that was due. I had two friends I met at last year’s concert going to the Friday concert, and they went for merch promptly at 9, but I had just arrived and had a deadline to meet for school. Around 4:30PM, I decided that I was done for the day and opened Ticketmaster to print my ticket for the next day’s show. When I logged in, I saw the notice that the ticket had been mailed to me. I remembered having seen that when I bought the ticket in May, but in my defense I was jet-lagged and ill on that day. Furthermore, I moved to and from NYC in that time for a summer internship, and SO MUCH HAD HAPPENED. The tickets had been mailed while I was living here and I had never seen them, so somehow it slipped my mind. Obviously I lived too far away, but I didn’t know if I could express overnight them, but I think when I called Ticketmaster, the old ones were deactivated when the guy tried to send me the link.

Anyway, print at home was not an option, so I called Ticketmaster and in a panic explained my situation. They said it happened all the time and offered to send me a link. Luckily I kept the rep on the line, because it turned out that even they couldn’t email a link because of the anti-scalpers/fraud/whatever.

Then the rep said that I could show the credit card, but I had literally cut it up the week prior since the Vendor (e.g. the store that the card was through) had switched their card to a different bank (e.g. Visa to Mastercard), so I seemed shady af, even though I was telling the truth. He said as long as I had a login to a statement showing the transaction (I didn’t, since they had opted to close the account at an institutional level). So I called my mom frantically, and luckily she is the hyper-organized type who keeps paper copies of everything and sent them to me. Seriously, Mom for the win! I run to this print shop as it’s closing and print everything out. I had the Ticketmaster receipt & order #, and two photo ID’s confirming my address. The guy said it should be fine, but I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. This was my one birthday gift and something I had been looking forward to for months. Anyway, my friend and I went out to a local bar near the Halsey (yes, the singer took her name from the station) stop on the L line, and I was super anti-social because I was so upset. I also burst a blood vessel in my eye (it will heal, no worries) because of too much birthday partying the prior weekend, so I’m sure I was a (sour) sight to behold.

I slept poorly for obvious reasons, and left the apartment around 7AM, and arrived to Prudential center around 8:30ish. There were only a few people outside of will call, but the GA line was already wrapped around the building. I made small talk with people outside of the box office, and one woman told me she had gotten soundcheck both days. Seriously, what kind of karma do I need for that to happen to me? She and her friends had been camping out since Thursday, and they were SUPER organized: while she waited in line, one was at merch, and someone else was holding their GA site. I almost wondered if they were a fansite or something. ARMY are a truly organized bunch (except for me, clearly).

Anyway, after another half hour of pure anxiety, they opened up will call and I was panicking, but they were really helpful and gave me my ticket after I verified the order number, showed my id and confirmed some other personal data. I decided then and there that nothing else mattered and I was just happy to be there and be in.

Waiting in line/Logistics/Staff

I left the box office, and got into the GA line. It was probably around 9:15, and the line had already doubled-back on itself all the way around the building. The woman from earlier told me that her friend had got #1000 and was only 3 rows back, so I still had some hope. Basically, you line up to get your spot in line- though it’s kinda dumb that you have to line up twice, it makes security go faster and guarantees that there isn’t a huge surge/stronger people cutting in line later.

I wore what I thought were my most comfortable shoes, but after standing on concrete for hours, I don’t think it makes a difference. People were so friendly though- I never once felt awkward even though I was by myself. The same was true last year- the friends who had gone up for merch on Friday I met while in line at last years’ Wings concert. I chatted with people around me, drank the two bottles of water I had, and looked at my phone. Bring an umbrella for shade and sunscreen though-I didn’t and am rocking a nice farmers burn/tan today. It wasn’t humid though, and it wasn’t raining, so it could have been so much worse.

Even though there were tons of people, everyone was well-behaved. I didn’t see any altercations, though as the day went on the staff seemed a bit overwhelmed with crowd control. I didn’t see too many people selling unofficial merch like last year, though I did buy a few necklaces (Joon and Chim, ofc).

After 3.5 hours, I finally got my wristband. They told us to be back by 2pm to line up for real, as they were going to try to open the doors at 3 instead of 3:30 (didn’t end up happening).

Merch

I then ran to merch, but there wasn’t much left. The fans/pickets were selling out as I got in line, and people were basically yelling “NOOOOOOOO” everytime the staff put up a “SOLD OUT” sticker. I bought what I could that was left, including a bracelet, which I’m actually in love with, the eco-tote (super overpriced tbh, $50 for a canvas bag), but the shopper bags were gone and I needed something to carry the box and batteries V3 ARMY Bomb I bought. I had one from last year that I also forgot, but I think the new version was cool because they are synced up with the music so you can change colors and patterns along with everyone else. Overall, it’s EXPEN$$$$IVE, but if anyone’s worth it, it’s Bangtan.

Newark

I was getting super tired after this, so I kinda passed on the photo studio table, big poster, and UNICEF stuff. I tried to go to Starbucks, but even though it was the middle of the day, I didn’t feel that safe, even though it was like 11:45 in the middle of the day. I’m a 27 year old who’s lived in Latin America (which is generally stereotyped for violence), solo traveled around the world, and I’m from the Rust Belt (aka home of true urban decay), but that part of Newark sketched me the heck out. Probably it would have been fine, but I opted for caution, and went to a Dunkin Donuts and empanada place right around the corner. The timing was actually good since we had to get back pretty quickly to line back up.

The second line was where the staff struggled, telling people to back up and get in order, but it seemed like staff were doing different things. Plus, if they wanted people to back up, they should have created room at the back first, before telling the front to basically “back that ass up” on the people behind them.

GA vs. Seated

I can say this- if you are short, you probably want a seat. Or if you have any kind of knee, back, or joint problems- I stood for approximately 14 straight hours on concrete yesterday. I am just under 5”5” but I was probably one of the taller people in the crowd, so I had a pretty good view. Even though they asked people to not take videos or record, you WILL be looking through a sea of cell phones. I could see pretty well, but sometimes when they were on the main stage I had a hard time seeing around other people’s arms.

Last time I had P2 seated, and the view was wonderful. I went to the bathroom, charged my phone, and ate nachos (lol), so it was generally a more chill experience. I was still super close but up a little higher and could see absolutely everything. But last night I was SO close I could see Joon’s dimples irl, and got splashed by both Jungkook and J-Hope when they threw the water bottles. Probably 100 people think this, but I’m also pretty sure Yoongi (and maybeeee Jimin) saw me jumping and singing along like crazy since I was one of the taller people. At the very least, Yoongi keep looking in the general direction I was in. Ofc I looked gross af with my messed up eye and crazy hair, but what I loved about the concert is that I was 100% able to forget all the insecurities I carry around with me on a day to day basis and have an AMAZING time.

Of course the whole place is crazy high energy, but I feel like last night was INSANELY high. I’m not sure if it was the overall vibe or if that was the GA influencing my opinion. It just depends on what kind of experience you want to have. Also, if you are claustrophobic, you should probably pass on GA. The guards kept forcing people to back up, at one point even coming in with a flashlight, and people would surge forward whenever a member came close. But someone said the night before was chill, so maybe it’s just luck of the draw.

The Show

The show was absolutely amazing. They opened with IDOL, which got people hyped from the get-go. Their dancing was ON POINT as always. People were chanting during the intro videos and chatting as it filled in, so it was a great vibe once again- just super happy feeling. The audio visual part was AMAZING, though I’m no pro, and I loved all of the concert outfits, especially Jimin’s super sparkly sweater. Lots of jumping, and lots of screams. I didn’t have earplugs and was fine, but if you’re sensitive to loud sounds I definitely recommend them. ISTG I remembered hearing a mashup of FIRE, but maybe not? Wikipedia seems to think not. But they played a few older ones too, which made me so soft and nostalgic.