#this shit legit has been fucking with my mental health for years

[thephoenixdescendant]

HEADCANON: HOW THE BF5 TEXT YOU

a/n: hello hello how are ya? I know I've been fucking dead for what, 2 years and then I come back giving ya random headcanons and disappear again for a few months and again randomly come back. I'm a goddamn mess and I'm sooo sorry. I just have poor time management skills and poor mental health. And also lack of motivation. Anywayyyys, here are some headcanons which I have been planning to write for a long time but keep forgetting to do so (also I don't know whether this headcanon was already done or not).

Vert Wheeler

Okay, so this man likes to use proper grammar. Will take his time to text back and NEVER the type to leave you on read, because he thinks it’s rude to do so.

He don’t really use the newer slang a lot.

Uses emojis as a way to express his emotions, and it’s quite literal.

Like this man uses the “😭” as a sign that he’s upset.

Uses the “😂”, “😄”, “❤️”, emoji’s quite a lot.

Long paragraphs about how much he loves you, paragraphs about what happened during missions are to be expected.

Agura Ibaden

Just like Vert, she doesn’t really use newer slang.

Only uses ”😀” emoji.

Will only leave you on read if she’s busy. Otherwise she’ll text back.

Will send you multiple texts but not enough for her to blow up your phone with notifications.

Flirts with you A TON. She may not look like a flirt but, she is. Only to you.

Zoom Takazeumi

Uses a TON of newer slang.

He sends you loooong paragraphs if he’s feeling very romantic and if he deeply misses you if you’re away. But if he’s feeling normal and as always being the goofball he is, he likes to send you short multiple messages.

Uses a lot of emojis.

Zoom: Babe, I miss you so much aaaahhhhh Love you!!! ❤️❤️❤️💗💗💗💗💗💞💞💕💓💓💓💋💋💋💋💋❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️❤️‍🔥❤️🥰💗💘💓💞💋💞💋💗💘💓💋💞💕💜🧡🩵💚💕💞💋❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥💕💋💞💕💋❤️🥰❤️❤️🥰❤️🥰🥰💕💕❤️

Never leaves you on read.

Sherman Cortez

Sometimes, you wonder whether if it’s his grandma texting because he texts are so….old people-ish?

He will legit sends you Good Morning and Good Night Images. Something like this:

Very sweet and romantic when he has a full on convo with you.

He usually never leaves you on read and when he does, expect a bunch of apologies and a string of “I love you”’s

His texts range from short to large paragraphs.

He uses slang rarely

Uses a shit ton of emoji’s like Zoom.

Spinner Cortez

Uses a lot of slang

Uses emoji’s more than words tbh.

Obviously, short texts.

Will leave you on read, and will apologize if you get pissed off.

The type to send you a lot of memes. If someone looks through your text messages with him, it’ll mostly be memes that you send each other and reactions from both of you.

Stanford Isaac Rhodes

He’s British and from the royal family…so no slang. He kind of hates it tbh.

Flirts with you (obviously) and also will have a full on convo with you while he’s on the mission (Vert doesn’t appreciate this)

Will send you audios of him singing songs that he wrote. It’s obviously about you.

Sends you selfies of him with a text saying “I miss you, my little angel”

Short texts, but like a bunch of them. Enough to blow up your phone.

Will get insanely nervous if you don’t text him back within an hour if you’re away.

Tezz Volitov

This man is complicated.

This man just doesn’t text and it’s not because he doesn’t like it. He forgets to message people and let them know that he’s fucking alive.

You have to be the one to message him first and he’ll message you back shortly after. (Or like a day later. Depends on how busy he is)

Does not use emoji’s.

There are days were he is the first one to text and those are verrryyy rare. (DO NOT poke him too much on that, that will make him sulk)

AJ Dalton

Blows up your fucking phone with a long line of messages.

And half of the long line of texts are just him correcting himself from that fucking annoying autocorrect.

Sends a bunch of pictures of himself. Either of him taking selfies with random things he finds during missions or of him making goofy faces.

Replies to your messages INSTANTLY. He’s actually looking forward for your message.

Uses a shit ton of emoji’s as well.

[aerodaltonimperial]

Another trip around the sun for me, and I gotta be sappy on main, fam (I'm tired, kiddo woke me up at 4:45): the last year was really hard for me, for a variety of reasons, but chiefly among them, I decided to step away from writing, which is one of the only things I've ever really wanted to do with my life. After more than a decade, I remained a colossal failure, and it was eroding my mental health to the point of no return. But y'all make me feel like my writing isn't shit. Y'all legitimately make me feel like my words matter, like I matter. And I can't express how much this has helped me to find joy in writing again. I will probably never actually be successful, but you are reading my stupid, silly stories, and they have mattered to at least one person, and in the midst of a spectacular crash and burn that was my hopes and dreams (lol), y'all on this hellsite welcomed me every day with flailing and keysmashing and encouragement, and it has meant the fucking world to me. So thanks for being here, thanks for letting me spew bullshit on you every single day, and I hope this year I can continue to subject you to even more of my words. ❤️❤️❤️ Legit cannot express how everyone here has been part of me clawing just a little way further out of my miserable hole in the ground. Thanks, fam. 🥰

[absolutebitchgetter]

The problems of CS. Combined in one.

Since the CS ninjas are onto me, i shant give up. You will forever hear the tunes of the rumours of ABG'S unbanning.

Heres all the CS posts i can find:

All of this might share the same topic, and thats a feature of how Comic Studio doesnt - or probably will never - fix its problems. Insane. I know. However, why am i not giving up if we cant fix it?

To save people's sanity.

Im trying to get unbanned so i can prove i am trying to become a better person, and save people's mental health by pointing out thr flaws in:

-moderation

-people

-studios

-controversy

-kids

Its honestly pretty scary how kids are exposed to Jayst- i mean the toxicity of comic studio, and also how the experienced CS users are saying its worse than fucking Twitter.

Where can i begin with the fucking moderation? Where were they when i was getting banned? One is treated like an angel after the fucking outrageous calls he does. How long was i banned? 8 months? Yes. 8 Fucking Months. Above Half a year. One has literally made DOXXING JOKES TO ME and made me fear for my life. One in the cs discord takes someone elses side when i ask for a spoiler for Binding of Isaac (a pretty scary game). One is just fucking horrible at moderation. And one is probably biased after i did a few too many pings in a server. A server i owned btw, no one stopped me. You know who you are. :)

To name a few very shit studios,

-Probably fucking most of them

Probably 10% of the studios get used.

And a lot of them are just fucking shit.

We have a fucking NICK JR studio for like 2 YEAR OLDS.

When is there a fucking Despicable Me comic studio?

To name types of people:

Suspected pedophiles

probably pedophiles

pedophiles

nazis

racists

homophobes

transphobes

xenophobes

sexists

anti semetic

Jokes aside tho there are lot of people i named that are actually one of the things above. There are also lots of fucking toxic people.

To my next point

popular beats all apparently

If your popular, dont fear of being banned! You fucking wont be!

I can name, a shit ton of people that should be banned but wouldnt because they have a shit ton of followers and that would get a lot of people to quit the site.

-Puffyy (Should i say more?)

-Jaystar (☠️)

-Onion_Rabbit (Threw about users like hell, faked harassment, legit got people to witchhunt me (December 2022), was toxic to me before i got banned (unfairly) (July 2023)

-Deathzy (A fucking mpreg and sex comic untagged, did the same as Onion_Rabbit July 2023, has known cases of being cocky as fuck when they get their way)

-SarahKomik (Has threw about users under the bus pretending to victimise themselves over the slightest of out of context things. The current situation with Oka is one.)

-Zappy (The same as above.)

Theres a lot more! Holy fuck

This community has a complete fucking hivemind too.

When popular users say "this person has done something bad (slightly or horrible) target them guys" and when they say "dont harass this person pls" they're praying that the mods dont fucking mob them. Oh wait.

Its like a lot of people have pointed out popular beats all!

Also, this is how people say "fuck the rules" (e.g, Oka and me)

If you have any problems, comment it, You probably shouldnt have but if your a snowflake, combat me.

Oh yeah i also forgot Tammy got knocked about like the school thot at summer time with the football team. They need apologising yall. This is the reason why people quit, my point above. Tammy quitting is one of the worst things to happen to CS.

[hello-nichya-here]

What are your thoughts on MJ's daughter supporting Israel and trying to distance herself from her dad? Girl won't even defend him

Jesus fucking Christ, are you guys coordinating these asks? This is the third time one of you asked me it, I'm legit impressed.

Let's get the easy, and horrible part out of the way first: nobody on the fucking planet has any excuse to support Israel. You can hate Hamas and the goverments of countries like Iran without excusing the literal genocide of civilians in Palestine, because yes, that's what Israel is doing right now.

Paris Jackson (and everyone else, famous or not, that is still pretending Israel isn't commiting all kinds of crimes against humanity right now) should have known better and needs to get her shit together.

Now, onto the messy part:

Although Paris has recently said "it's not her role/place" to defend her dad, lets not forget the other things she said on that same controversial statement:

1 - She fully believes her father is innocent and called the "documentary" Leaving Neverland pure lies.

2 - She believes that everything that could be said about her father's innocence has been said already and she'd have nothing new to add to the conversation.

3 - Her cousin Taj has become basically the leader of the family's campain to clear Michael's name and has been doing an amazing job.

4 - She's not as patient as her father was to deal with that kind of stuff and she has been focusing more on trying to recover from her mental health issues.

That last one is important, specially when we remember that Paris has claimed to have been sexually abused in school (which left her with PTSD), and that she has struggled with addiction, paranoia and a freaking suicide attempt.

It would not be surprising to me if having to listen to allegations of childhood sexual abuse is extremelly triggering for her - especially since the person being accused of being the abuser is her late father, who was murdered by his doctor when she was just 10-years-old, and she was treated like a stupid child in denial everytime she tried to point out the things being said about him were not true.

Considering she has continued to praise her father over the years, both with small things like posting a family picture on Father's day this year and big things like saying he was a super accepting man that was totally cool with her not being straight, and DID defend him publically every now and then, like, once again, calling "Leaving Neverland" pure lies when it came out, I'd say she's not really trying to distance herself from her dad or imply she's starting to think he might have been guilty. I think she just genuinely cannot fucking stand having to act as his lawyer only to have every word she says ignored, no matter how much evidence she offers to back it up.

(And before anyone brings up the fact that Taj was also a victim of sexual abuse in his childhood and has is still speaking out in support of his uncle, including of how he helped him deal with his trauma, keep in mind that people cope differently and heal at different paces).

Do I think she could have phrased some things better? Yes.

If either of my parents were accused of something horrible and a bunch of people kept insisting they were guilty despite all evidence poiting to the contrary, would I interact with said celebrities? No, and it is extremelly disappointing whenever Paris does that...

... But then again, Michael was at war with his record label, Sony, for years and was convinced they were not only sabotaging his career but also trying to murder him, yet he still was ready to go on a final tour that was going to make them A LOT of money. Like father, like daughter.

Honestly, I would not blame the entire Jackson family if they just made one last big documentary to try and clear Michael's name, then, regardless of how it was taken, packed all their shit and moved to a remote island, far away from the spotlight and never spoke to any journalist or had any social media presence again. They've been getting screwed over and surrounded by awful people in the industry, the media, and amongst other celebrities since the goddamn sixties, it's a miracle anyone of them is still trying to "play the game" or explain themselves.

[silver-wield]

OMFG now SE is inciting flame wars in their own JP page. Wtf are they doing this? Some JP fans are trying to be chill but others are obviously livid. Of course, Cloud would NEVER MISTAKE Tifa's name. I'm not questioning that. She's not the one who got called mama canonically. But if it's coming from the official page it sends WTF VIBES?? Someone pointed out if they're doing this because they're confident Cloud is NOTHING like that and that if there was a legit joke, he would have called everyone, even the rock on the floor as Tifa. Because Tifa is everywhere.. but that "joke" doesn't have any punchline, it just makes the c/as happy and pity tifa instead. Jokes need to be funny and jab jokes at canon, but I can't think of any decent reason why they would incite a flame war on their canon couple 2 weeks before the game, 1 week before the book, and also on valentine's day. I don't get it. Even my brother who has zero idea about FF7 thinks it's weird because they should be playing safe, not like this but that I shouldn't take it seriously. But I am because I'm tired of them playing over our emotions already. Wtf do they want? I don't care if I look like I'm overthinking. Why are they portraying an ooc cloud as a cheating bastard and ooc tifa into something like that? I hope they realize delulus actually take this shit seriously. Jfc.

It's just a crappy video made by a not at all funny comedian. I guess the humour just doesn't translate when you've been stuck dealing with rancid fucking trolls for years, but what would SE know about that? They don't acknowledge the damage their marketing and shit does to our mental health. They just want our money.

[spoonsforminutes]

So it’s gotten to that point. i’ve been receiving IOP from a mental health clinic, and my group trauma therapist is transphobic. Even more so, she’s been taking advantage of that fact that we unpack serious things in group settings, and I have a habit of dissociating to perpetuate her transphobic ideas in which it is my fault if i feel bad when someone misgender means. I have severe trauma from emotional abuse and neglect which only ended 6 months ago, at least in terms of my family having enough power and ignorance to believe that they were justified in the way they treated me, but i am still very much healing. I’m trying so hard to survive and get away from my abusive environment, but i’m realistic. i plan to move next year in jan, and in the midst of trying to pay all my bills and not go insane from the lack of financial freedom i have beyond necessities and bills, i’m trying to save as much as i can while also being nice to myself.

but today someone in my group was expressing distress over using a feminine term to refer to me when i’ve explained that i identify as transmasculine, and i was too busy doing something else, so my therapist took it upon herself to explain that it was my fault for feeling bad when people misgender me and that it is my responsible to correct people. which like, she’s a white cisgender woman who has trauma and is likely autistic so i’ve been giving her the benefit of the doubt, but no, she’s completely wrong. as a mental health professional currently in charge of my safety, she is directly endangering my health. i sent her an email after i processed what the fuck happened, and basically said this is your one warning to stop being transphobic and read up on all the ways your behavior threatens my physical and mental well-being, and if so necessary, i will seek legal action for discrimination. i have been gaslight a fuck ton so i have no confidence in myself, but my gut has been seeing all the news that more and more confirms the worst, and my c-PTSD symptoms are getting worse. history repeats itself, and i feel like i’m the one who recognizes the pattern except, you know, i’m part of the group that people currently want to see dead. and people praise me and treat me nicely bc they see an intelligent woman (which trauma-reinforced but also i fucking had top surgery last year????) but i think they view me as an “acceptable” queer person. which nooo, i did not spend so many years facing abuse literally just because i felt intense fucking pain that no one thought they could understand only for people in power to continue treating me like shit and then getting angry when i don’t roll over and die. i identify as a threat and a thing you do not want to cross. my years of sickness and illness mean that i don’t respect anything unless it has blood, sweat, tears, and defiance written all over it. you HAVE to feel pain to feel human, and all fucking pain is valid. i am so sick of watching a whole community of people being looked over and forgotten about, for even the “acceptable” ones of us having to beg for crumbs of decency. it’s inexcusable, and i legit do not give a shit for why we have to wait around for a bunch of people to decide that others get to live. i’m living NOW. DEAL WITH IT

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

all the talk about demons is really interesting to me so i wanted to share my demon story (although im not traditionally religious so i usually resist the term demon bc i feel like it has really specific connotations to most people... but my experience with a negative parasitic entity)

lived in a 200 year old house in an extremely spiritually active area of land where weird shit happened often and there was a creepy vibe always but this was the worst thing that ever happened there and the most sinister by far. most of the creepy energy just felt like nature spirits which are indifferent to human life. but basically my sibling had an extremely bad drug addiction and a lot of mental health problems and his room became extremely unpleasant to go into, there was a terrifying energy always like if you went in there to get something it felt like you were about to be grabbed. he moved out in very upsetting circumstances and after he was gone I think the negative entity which had accumulated in there feeding off his unhappiness had nothing left to consume so it started to come out. the first thing that happened was only mildly weird, the door to his room like locked and unlocked itself on its own when my sister tried to go in. now that i'm typing this i realize i cant actually remember a lot of the details, and stuff like the door being locked inexplicably is fairly normal weird old house stuff, but it felt so sinister and terrifying at the time, we were all aware of it even though it wasn't directly expressed. the thing that made me realize there was an actual entity in that room coming out was my mom woke up and found a tissue box on the foot of her bed. it wasn't the one from her room because that was still there, and because it was blue (my brother's color) we realized it had come from his bedroom. so this thing took the box of tissues out of my brother's room and put it on the foot of his mother's bed to torment her. idk this sounds so mundane typing it but it was legit one of the most chilling things i've ever experienced. i felt that the entity was like a black hole, nothingness that fed on nothingness and created more nothingness.. like the exact opposite of a living creature. I tried to force it out by visualizing my energy pushing it out of the room and i think it partially worked.. idk hmm....... i hope this isn't too much demon stuff i dont wanna bring down the vibe of your blog.. this is 2012 3arth n01ses btw i just didn't want this to be findable via my blog bc its personal family info

it's ok i dont think it brings down the vibe ^^ i like to talk about this stuff especially as i feel very protected at this stage in my life i am inclined to pass along some of my feelings towards ~the spiritual war~ as many people are looking to gain insight. to me it feels very objective to analyze & discuss..

and i relate to this story a lot o_o i've experienced poltergeist activity and it's no joke,.. when an entity becomes strong enough to start messing with the physicality of this realm it is absolutely horrifying even on the most minor scale. there's been a few haunted houses i've lived in where it's happened but this story really reminds me of when i was living in new mexico at my exes house..

my ex and i shared a room that was a newer addition to the house. but the main part of the house was over 100 years old & an alcoholic man had killed himself in my exes childhood bedroom during the great depression. i could not fucking be in this room, like, the second i stepped in there i was filled to the brim with dread & discomfort like the walls were closing in on me. no one else seemed to feel any type of way about this room, but my exes dad had said something interesting about it. it was next to the bathroom & the house was so old that the pipes were made of clay, so in winter they had to dig underneath the house to like, repair the pipes or alleviate pressure on them or something?

anyways the first winter i was there one day my exes dad mentioned that he saw a tiny shadow man run across the yard into the hole under this room. to me it instantly felt like something ancient. and i felt the man who killed himself in that room was being tormented by this thing. because in present times this is still a very dysfunctional household, especially concerning addiction. that room especially just felt so fucking heavy.

one time i was going to the bathroom at midnight, my ex was out with friends, her parents were sleeping in their own room. as i walked past the haunted room the door was open and i heard a voice say "hello!" but it sounded distant, like it was echoing, but not echoing in the room, it was echoing through dimensions. i became TERRIFIED & i ran into the bathroom, i sat there listening with the door open just to try and assess the situation, like maybe my exes dad woke up or something? then i heard loud footsteps walking out of the creepy room towards me. i slammed the bathroom door shut. the footsteps stopped and there was no more sound after that, neither of the parents were awake. i was so shocked. its still hard for me to believe.

but i do feel the man who killed himself in that room gave the entity a huge surplus of energy to work with. and it was causing all types of chaos in that house. i also find it interesting how it waited for my ex to be out of the house before presenting itself to me. because it was rare for us to be apart at that time. since it was her childhood bedroom i feel the entity has a special attachment to her. and it's very similar to your brother. i'm sorry your family has had to go thru this ): but you're not alone.. and you seem to be taking a higher path from my own observations it seems you've learned a lot from this experience and allowed it to elevate your cosciousness rather than falling victim to it. so good for you, your soul is strengthened, really the best case scenario from this.

thanks for another message...your intuition is on your side <3 PMD9 xxxxxxxxx

[darkwingsnark]

Really sorry yer family is being shit about your disabilities and ableness to do physical and mental tasks. Its so fucking draining to be treated like that. Its so fucking degrading to be told over and over the issues and pain and dizziness and self hate you have is irrelevant because some people keep their heads so far up their asses that they DO WANT to see how much yer struggling. I'm so fucking sorry mate, it sucks so bad. I wish there was a way to help you out or make them look further than two feet ahead of them because just them asking how you are feels so nice and validating. And ik its not really my place, but as someone who had to deal with such a family and had to break the cycle and work xerself out of being non-confrontational with a whole bunch of mental and physical issues; kindly, fuck them in the most loving, hating, mentally draining, hoping, and spiteful way. I hope you hold on, bc you are worth so so so much more than they are treating you. Sorry again if this is out of line; I typed this genuinely.

Nono, no need to apologize. It's flattering you went through all the trouble. Sorry I am just getting to this now, it's been another long 6 hours of kid sitting so I didn't have the time or spoons to address this yet.

As for my family... It's a lot of them just being tired of hearing what I'm going through. I've received a lot of 'it's been this number of years, get over it' despite still living with the daily reminders and still going through current events. Trust me, I am also tired of feeling this way. Especially as my body starts shaking as I'm in the middle of holding a child, and can't have her running around the apartment. But my mother is my caretaker and representative payee, they... are responsible for my health? Like they have to take me to doctor appointments, to get my meds. But they tend to want to put it off or do this thing where they go 'I'll do this but you have to make the phone call' despite knowing I legit can't retain information because my fear puts me onto autopilot and I go into 'theater mode'. ... Rambling. Point being there's a lot that I need help with, which in all fairness my wife has been helping a lot with phone calls. But even then I'm having heart palpitations in the background having to pay attention should a question come up that i need to answer. My wife also helps a lot with the chores especially during the week when I'm in recovery mode. Problem is she's also been feeling trapped in the room with me because of 'bad vibes' throughout the rest of the house. We're just all sort of cramped in on each other currently because of my sister and her kids/boyfriend staying here. I understand they are also under stress, but taking it out on me is no excuse, especially as I'm mindful not to do that to them.

If it makes you feel better I am still trucking along. Just I hope things let up soon. I'm starting to feel similar to past health situations where I was pushed too far by family, and then my blood levels plummeted. Just sucks seeing the signs and mentioning them, and then getting blown off. Because THEY don't have any options but to rely on me.

I'm just so tired.

[mortuaest]

Large rant, sorry. Please ignore if any of the trigger warnings are going to be an issue. I need to get it off of my chest because if I rant on FB I get hit with a character limit and I should make a personal Tumblr which I think I have but dont remember shit about.

Ive been having severe, and I mean severe as fuck mental and emotional breakdowns because of the fact that its literally been almost a year (Its going to be a year October 29th) since I've had to put down Ice Cube, my ESA of 14.5 years. He had cancer in his cheek and it was placed right to where it would effect his quality of life severely negatively if we tried to surgically take it out, and he would possibly die on the table if we did it because of his age, and he was declining (He wasn't eating, he was drinking, he really wasnt eating as much as I wanted him to, he was spitting back up the pills I was giving him, he was suffering) and my mental and emotional health has been severely suffering each and every day that passes without him.

I have another cat, I got him in April, thinking I was alright. Which I was I guess. Im being reminded via FB memories and just my own fucked up brain wanting me to join him to where I'm legit giving myself until December 31st, 2023 to have someone. Anyone give me a fucking sigh to keep on living. Im going to be going through a program my friend suggested to make a will, making her I forgot the words she used but shes going to make sure that my will is listened to and Albert Whisker, the cat I have now is taken care of.

I cant keep on living, and the fact that this heartbreak is fucking me up so badly to the point where the large baggie of medications (ranging from insomnia medications to Very STRONG painkillers and such, as well as my daily medications the day of me going to attempt) is very tempting to take now. And I mean very tempting. Meaning I almost took it yesterday, after my first mental break and me physically hurting myself by slamming a brush ungodly hard into my head because I legit believe I deserve everything that has happened to me (The physical, emotional and mental abuse that I got for 20 some odd years from my mother, the severe car accident from last year, the rapes, everything. My friends being murdered or dying around me, loosing the only thing that even brought light to my life).

No one in my life cares. No one seems to care. Ive been severely struggling and each time IVe even bothered to reach out for help via friends. Since my father hates me for being trans and my sister doesnt give a fuck to even bother to help me. My mother was the cause of my two rapes/sexual assaults in my life and wants me dead because Im autistic. No one wants to help, or no one seems interested in even keeping me around.

Cosplay isnt helping. Video games aren't either. I havent felt any happiness since last year. I could deal with this if he was still alive. But at the same time Im lying to myself, I havent known what made me happy other than my past cat Ice Cube. I stayed for him since I love him. I had him since he was five weeks old. We bonded. Its not the case with Albert and I feel he loves me but we dont have the connection and never will.

Im never going to feel anything other than severe misery and depression. At least, that's what I 100% believe.

TLDR: Im severely struggling and dont know what to do anymore. I dont trust my new therapist even though she has stated more than once and my friend who also goes to her has stated more than once she wont send me to inpatient or CPAP and she tries to avoid hospitalization if we can. But because of multiple decades of PTSD, abuse, and being denied the proper treatment, help, support from friends and family that I should of gotten Im at the point where Im giving myself until December 31st to find a reason to stay alive and if I dont then Im letting my queue run out.

[arsen1cs4ng0]

shout out to the chip fandom for being legit TRAUMATIZING. not even saying that as a joke or exaggeration!!! i know/know of so many good people who got their mental health totally RUINED by the awful people there. im one of them!!! its SOO much more horrible than a lot of people realize or even want to talk/think about. so many are literally scared to speak of the effect it had on them because theyre scared itll happen all over again + because it was literally just That Fucking Bad. even im not coming off anon for this. fuck that!!!

from my perspective… theres genuinely like no good people left because they all got chased off + traumatized in the process. i honestly think even the writers themselves got chased off by the toxicity. the hiatuses + *the ending in particular* just line up WAY TOO WELL with awful shit happening for that to not be the case… :/

and it sucks too because it was such a good and diverse story! it was really finally getting interesting!!! some of the plot lines before it all just stopped were legit gut wrenching (/pos!!!) + incredible to watch! the way it humanized the characters was so!!!!!! GOOD!!!!! but it’s all gone now because some people are just total fucking toxic freaks and heckled + harassed literally everyone out of the community no matter how hard it tried to keep stable…. its so depressing. it was fun while it lasted but i never want to go back + it will literally never be the same as it was a couple years ago. and at this point i think that’s a good thing

sorry for the random suuuuper long anon. i know youre a smaller account and probably dont want to talk about this kind of thing. its just been on my mind and youre one of the few people ive seen be openly critical of it all. hope u have a nice day + this finds you well at least!! :)

[ this turns into a rant in the end but its gotta be said lol ]

hi anon, thanks for the ask !! i pretty much have no choice to be open about this all because no-one else ( apart from like. 2 people ) will, i would say much more if it wasnt for my awfully limited vocabulary LOL ( and unless you wanna see a 16 year old cursing and throwing every insult in the english language at the people who hurt / manipulated my friends, well um !!! )

it just hurts seeing the fandom get worse and worse, one of my friends was literally almost driven to suicide because of the toxicity and abuse from the modern fandom, my confidence was snatched away after shit that happened in june - everything has just been SHIT !!!!

ive been actively trying to disassociate from the fandom entirely but its been extremely hard ( especially with my hyperfix on who i call ''little guy the 2st'' - the most i can do is wait for the hyperfix to pass at this point ), everytime i check in i know its just gonna be the same now: people who pretend nothing happened and attempt to cover up everything that happened before they ''''apologized'''' ( and i thought they were gonna keep the bad shit they did up for accountability !! what happened to that ????? ), people who will desparately manipulate unsuspecting people just so their wittle friend can look like the ''uwu sweet bean x3 owo angel who was definitely never ever ever transphobic in their life !!'' - you get the fucking picture at this point LOL

everything has fucking demotivated me and i wish i could fucking scream at Those people, but whats the point of doing so if they're just not gonna pull their heads out of their asses and just admit what they did instead of being like ''WAAAAAH YOURE SUCH A MEAN MEAN PERSON I DIDNT DO THAT AT ALL STOP SPREADING LIES, N-NO !!!!! ;_____;'' ?? i dont care if i get attacked by those people anymore because its only gonna prove my point on how fucking toxic they are i feel so bad for unsuspecting people who dont know how bad the fandom really is and what they'll end up diving into like i did, like my ex-friend did too

again, thanks for the ask anon and im so so so sorry you had to witness this all :[

[anotherghoul666]

HI FRIEND. For the emoji asks:

🥺

🤡

😈

😬

🤲

🧠 (for Swiss please!)

Hiiii dearest!! Thank you for the questionssss ❤️❤️❤️

🥺 Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels? One thing that gives me the Feels while I write is the absolute acceptance and welcoming of differences. Probably because it's not something I had much of in my life before I got to feel it in recent years? So I want to write radical acceptance and a love of differences, be it disability, age, injury, mental health problems, neurodivergence, etc. Stuff like Aether in Loosened Heart being so radically loving and warm towards Dew despite Dew fighting him every step of the way as ferociously as he did. Or all the attention Seestor pays to Nihil's worsening sight in Secret Garden, the small ways in which she helps, readily, without criticizing it or blaming anything on him or on his disability. Or Copia in Loosened Heart being ready to tear down walls and make anything happen to find Dew the care he deserved and needed. Even if it meant being hit by Sister's wrath once he'd be home. He put himself on the line to save his ghoul and never blamed his injury once, nor would he in my brain if I imagine the arguments he'd have with Sister and the Clergy back home. It's never gonna be Dew's fault he got injured. There's a core aspect of a future part of the stripper!AU that's based on that concept too. Hits an emotional note for me.

🤡 What’s a line, scene, or exchange you’ve written that made you laugh? I got this question before, but I can give another example! Ok so from Blood Rush too (man this fic was fun!), the whole intro about the ghouls being cats. This is literally just me taking the "ghouls are just weird cats" shitposts floating around here and making it part of my canon a/b/o verse xD This paragraph especially: Hence the choice of ghouls. What they actually got when they started to pull ghouls of the pits was… Less of a docile animated corpse, and more like if you gave cats a human form and the endless power of free will. So, you know, disasters. Take the broad lines of cats, the sass, the cockiness, the superiority complex, the propensity to make evil plans, the endless appetite but only for that one specific food item that’s perfect in this moment, the braincell pop bubbles, the zoomies, the claws and fangs, the heat cycles. But put that in a human body, with prehensile thumbs, walking on two legs, one of the biggest brains in the animal kingdom, critical thinking and a sense of self. Oh, also mix that with magic. Because of course. Throw in a whole array of elemental powers the ghouls had as a sort of species classification system, which yes, made them more useful, as the Church hoped for, but also made them more destructive. Intelligent cats with magic powers. There was no way this could have gone without a hitch. Fuckingggg xD So fun to write man hahahaha

😈 Has there been a point in a story where you did something just to be playfully mean to your readers? I just answered that one in my previous ask post here :)

😬 Which of your fics would you be most horrified for friends, family or coworkers to stumble upon? Friends: legit none. I have friends who know I write this shit and I have no problem with it. Most of my friends are part of the queer, poly and/or BDSM community, we're all a bunch of freaks. I don't keep company with people who are not open to my talking about kink and stuff, so. I would not care! Family: all of the kinky filthy fics stay away. They know I write fanfic cause I've done it since I was a kid under their roof, it's a constant in my life. And they know my Ghost obsession. They might have connected the dots, they might not have. I wouldn't mind if they came across my fluff or my hurt/comfort, but I'd rather we steer clear of the BDSM convo XD Coworkers: can fuck off as far away from my writing as they can XD My fiction writing stays very separate from my professional life. I guess if I imagine having to explain any of my fics to a family member or a cowowker, the worst one would be Blood Rush because of a/b/o? I'm not sure I want to sit my parents down to explain knots and slick? XD Or Drought, because same thing. Not sure I'd like to explain the appeal of licking someone's boot to my parents. Strippers, they'd get it; licking fingers I think they'd get it; choking might be a rough one too, ah shit yeah, Serotonin would be fucking weird to explain to an older generation eh? I feel like coworkers around my age or younger might get the whole choking thing better. Man I don't know XD

🤲 Would you please share a snippet of a wip? Sure, here's a bit of the lore section from the Aether/Ifrit titties fic I'm currently working on: "They were buddies, immediate good friends. [...] They’d catch their meals together, spend their free time hours together (Ifrit dragged Aether to the gym and training rooms; Aether dragged Ifrit to the library for some quiet time). They didn’t reside in the same dorms because their jobs were in different fields, but they might as well have: typically you’d find one of their beds empty and the other bed very overfilled, with how they had to squeeze both their entangled larger frames on a twin mattress. They made it work. Bros who also cuddled, kind of vibes. One more thing they shared was music."

🧠 Pick a character, and I'll tell you my favorite headcanon for them (for Swiss). Everything Swiss does is about power and control. Who has it, over what, who gives it, to what end, what is there to gain in a situation. Swiss is an incredibly analytic ghoul who calculates actions carefully (words are less careful; man has a damn leaking faucet of a mouth, that's one of his weaknesses), who manipulates the board to serve a purpose. Not always to his advantage, he'll put himself in situations where he's at a disadvantage too if that serves him, but he has to control it, to choose it. To be the one who made the decision. Swiss isn't the one to be influenced by others, he influences. He is peer pressure. Even when it looks like he's going along, it's cause it serves him to and it fits into a narrative. He's observant, he's sharp, he picks up on people's patterns easily. People are books, they're codes to crack, instruments to learn how to play and he wants to be a virtuoso at every instrument he takes a liking to. He's a multi-instrumentalist after all, and people can be read like music. This isn't in an evil way (though he won't shy away from using all this ammunition he's collected during play to satisfy a sadistic streak or get what he fancies), he'll manipulate people into better positions than they had before. He helps people by learning them inside out too. But yeah, power and control are always key. He's the guy that'll drop to his knees and blow someone for the control he has over whoever he's sucking off, you know? For Swiss to loose that control, to give up power for real? Good luck. Would take someone or something extremely special to shut a guy like that out of his schemes, out of his instincts. I wonder who could do that? ;) ;) ;)

[anwserstotheworld]

I'm 28 years old drug addict who's had everything and Lost it multiple times. I can't figure out people I can't figure out how the world works I can't figure out how to read people hell I don't even know if I have any mental health problems but I'm sure I have to. I barely feel any type of emotion anymore and every single time I figure it out it all gets all confused again. The world is so massive and yet I've been sheltered to a world of nothing I'm broke I can't work I can't be a mom I don't have anyone that will push me to do anything positive I try to look at what I'm accountable for. Man I could go on and on and on I wanna travel I wanna learn religion I wanna learn people but there's something wrong with me to where I just physically can't. My mind is always moving and unable to learn but I'll listen to anything a human says. Fuck that. I'm not sure if I turn people bad if I imagine things or if people mirror me or if I mirror them I don't know if I'm possessed or schizophrenic or add add ADHD I JUST DON'T FUCKING KNOW and I don't know how to start DNR even look for help. Everyone around me seems crazy but I know crazy people always think they are normal so maybe I'm crazy to. I don't know who do your ask about that I wanna change my life so bad I want to raise my kids but I need to learn how to learn who do I seek out to that will do a scan of everything about me to tell me who I am. Someone has to know! I wanna be normal and yes normal as in work cook clean bed save money to travel the yellow book for normal. This other shit sucks. Hell I feel like I'm the only one on this planet that doesn't understand how to manipulate I'm not even sure the best way for me to learn is. Everytime i think I know me I end up knowing nothing. Who the fuck am I? What's wrong with me? And where can I get help at. Everyone I meet nowadays seem to have multiple personality and I mean EVERYONE logically that can't be the case so then I wonder maybe it's me maybe I'm the problem or the unstable one and if I am the problem why hasn't anyone been able to see the truth or helped me out I can't be that good at hiding it. It's like being aware but not at the same time. Every single last thing about me is black and white one second then a million others the next. What do you do whenever you don't know anything and you can't learn anything and you can't kill yourself can't do prison time in line you legit can't do any fucking thing at all unless someone was basically making you like you're mom or dad. Like what am I suppose to do with that how can I do anything it's like I'm suppose to be stuck here forever I can't die but I can't figure out any answers to anything. FML

[illegiblewords]

Griping about fandom, related to 6.2 Panda spoilers.

I think there are some fans out there where if the child in a parent + child relationship dynamic is going ‘I hate my dad, he’s so cold and inconsiderate!’, you could pan to the father basically rocking in a corner having a dissociative episode and barely coherent, then pan back to the kid going ‘SEE! ALWAYS ABOUT HIMSELF!’ And there would be fans nodding and going ‘yeah you tell him king fuck parents.’ Like. Honest to fucking god, at what point do we sit down and go ‘yeah mental illness can negatively impact loved ones and it’s valid, but sometimes priority does need to be getting help for the sick person’? Like omfg. Lahabrea wasn’t abusive to Erichthonios. He was emotionally constipated and distant at points, and struggled to express emotions because he was literally cutting parts of his own soul out due to not being able to process his emotions and being overwhelmed. Guy’s been self-destructing for years. But ‘dysfunctional’ and ‘unhealthy’ are not synonymous with ‘abusive’. We literally see Erich rant about Lahabrea’s ‘a calm heart sees the task to completion’ line and attribute it to disdain, but as players it’s basically announced in flashing neon signs that this is Lahabrea’s own coping skill that he’s trying to share with his frustrated son. Lahabrea gets emotionally overwhelmed and clings to reason/calm as a way to anchor himself and function. Erich is a fiery shonen protagonist and doesn’t get it. Misunderstandings happen. It’s not always malicious. One party interpreting things as malicious doesn’t mean they are malicious. Being upset with someone doesn’t make them an evil bad guy. Like I’ve gone through shit IRL with serious family dysfunction caused by mental health crap before. I really fucking get it. I’m not saying this as someone who’s never felt intense anger and resentment and isolation. But parents are fallible people and part of growing up involves realizing that. Obviously there are cases where it’s just abuse and unforgivable, but there are a lot of cases where having compassion can make a world of difference. I like Erichthonios, and love Lahabrea to bits. They’re both allowed to be in pain and messily figuring out how to relate to each other better. I do have legit analysis at some point I might post lol, but I’ve been seeing a decent chunk of this fan behavior and it’s frustrating. People can feel how they want and talk how they want obv. But like... As a teen, there was a time a classmate had his mom doing a huge favor for him and friends. And there was one detail that wasn’t on-point, so in front of the whole group this kid just started yelling at his mother. I’m talking above and beyond, really personal and humiliating shit. And the mom was just standing there looking at her feet. I felt so fucking upset for the mother and couldn’t imagine treating a parent like that. That’s the kind of energy some of this fan behavior has to me.

[vtforpedro]

medical update

I've been trying to find the energy to write an update and you'd think being stuck on a reclining chair for the entire day that I'd be able to find some but NO! My body has simply said 'no energy' this month.

I've actually had so many appointments this month it's been criminal. I haven't had to move around this much in a long time and it hasn't been so great pain-wise. So, I think I was at 16 weeks when I made a brief update about seeing my neuro in person??

21 weeks this week. Y'all it's been five months of this lmao I'm going to try to summarize so I don't get lost in rambling immediately

-saw my neuro in person on august 18th -order for another fucking lumbar spine MRI -pain specialist and pain psychologist referral -ER visit on august 26th for neuro-unrelated shit finally lmao -pain specialist at 18 weeks -pain specialist ordered a compounded cream at an APOTHECARY just for meeeee, a tens machine, a prescription nsaid, steroid injections for my sacral area, aquatic therapy, a medical grade back brace, and a chiropractor but insurance doesn't cover that -EMG procedure as ordered 1.5-2 months ago -saw my OB for what I went to the ER for -got my back brace -follow up with my neuro's PA because we wasted 1 hr and 45 minutes yesterday trying to get my telehealth appt with my neuro to work but it didn't. their fault, but they said I couldn't see him until OCTOBER 25TH THEN huahguahghguah

So that leads to today lmao

Most of that has been this month u_u Tuesday was the last in-person appointment for the month and I could die happy. Soooo much pain.

Alright, so now let's go through what happened with all of this.

1. My neurologist is a discriminatory egotistical asshole who is one year out of residency. He will not give me the diagnosis he and I talked about me having 99% for sure but we needed to 'clinch it' (per their notes) with a lumbar puncture. Which we did. But then they destroyed me lmao. He heard I'm in the middle of applying for disability and walked back my diagnosis super quick and announced he was 'not an advocate for long-term disability' and that he's a 'positive person' while not asking what my goals for recovery were whatsoever.

Sorry that making $300,000 a year has clouded your judgment that a measly $850ish monthly payment can be life-changing for a little guy like me while I go through intense physical therapy and mental health therapy to deal with what Y O U R hospital did to me.

He also marked my chiari malformation as 'resolved' after that conversation. I had mentioned my neurosurgeon didn't think I had a "real" one and my neurologist disagreed. Let me stress this: HE DISAGREED. But then he marked it as resolved. The only way to resolve a chiari malformation is neurosurgery you absolute buffoon of a man. So now it's marked as resolved and not an ongoing issue for my disability judge to see. :)

Anyway. I could probably prove malpractice fifty times over with this place lol I'm going to talk to the office manager about switching to a different doctor but they're a 'teaching' hospital so not sure if I'll be able to. We'll see. I truly hate this man. The stuff he has pulled would take up days of my time explaining. Legit hatred is what I feel for this man lmao he is doing everything he can to be combative after what happened to me when instead he should have offered me the best care possible after their fuck up.

Lots of trauma to work through hoo boy! And it just gets worse every goddamn week, I swear.

Okay, the EMG. It was ordered because I am having nerve pain and have been since oh I don't know the first day. So this was my second EMG and it was a hellish experience, but guess what?

I have fucking nerve damage from the lumbar puncture. Specifically, the nerve that affects the lower lumbar back, down the butt, back of the leg, and into the calf. Sometimes into the foot, but not always.

Guess who has been telling them about the tingles I have every single day of my life on the backside from my lower back to my butt to my thigh to my calves. They've brushed me off continuously because it wasn't in my feet. Turns out it doesn't HAVE TO BE.

N e ways. Guess what this specific nerve damage also causes?

'Excruciating pain with prolonged sitting.'

I've been asking since my headache went away (the severity of it dropped off at 10 days post LP) WHY I CAN'T SIT UP. I asked every single medical professional I talked to at this place for months. Why. Can't. I. Sit. Up. Without. Excruciating. Pain.

My neuro's PA is a much nicer and way less combative military man :P and he said 'this is really fantastic to have because it supports everything you've been telling us and we can move forward'

Super glad it only took 4-5 months for you guys to take me seriously.

I now have to do physical therapy to recover from being bedbound for 5 months but also to help with the nerve damage. I JUST got a back brace on Tuesday.

On Tuesday, for the first time since April 29th, I was able to sit up and stand on my own. Tears. Literal tears. How fucked is that? But I can't even be happy. I'm so fucking angry that a medical grade back brace might've been helping from the beginning but it took seeing my neuro face to face with my mom at 16 weeks for him to believe us that this has ruined our lives.

It's ruining my rock-solid relationship with my mom.

She can barely work. She is our sole income.

I'm in excruciating pain so bad I have asked my mother to kill me, leave my apartment so I can kill myself, and to please be happy for me because I'll be out of pain.

This man's face as I cried and said those words was very 'oh shit she really meant everything she said the last 4 months.'

Infuriating. No other words. It's just infuriating.

2. My pain specialist rocks. I wanted to scream with relief when she listed everything she wanted to do. We can't do steroid injections because, less importantly, I have extreme trauma about needles in my back haha wonder where that came from, and, more importantly, I'm a leukemia patient and they lower the immune system.

I had labs done and my hematologist's appointment too. She's not happy with my labs because they jumped quite high, I'm not happy with them, and despite zero detectable leukemia cells……. she wants me to do a repeat bone marrow biopsy once my spine is recovered.

:)

If I have cancer floating around in there, I can't even treat it. At this point it would be watching it closely, making sure I don't get covid (the measures we take going to, during, and after appointments contribute heavily to my pain and exhaustion, but it's been 2 yrs of my life already), and honestly, hoping for the best.

More needles in my back yay.

Hopefully this is like… months down the line, so I'm trying not to worry too much about it right now.

3. I had to go to the ER because I thought I had appendicitis. I'm back on my med for the high pressure (my neuro says it's only possibly there yet would not give me this medication if he were not sure because it'd be dangerous but I digress) and it's a diuretic so I pee a lot. I can't get up on my own yet, so having a full bladder was pressing on the appendix area and idk it felt like someone stuck a hot poker/brand in my insides and it was. Unpleasant.

My WBC jumped, and the pain tests were all there, but everything came back clear. So. YAY FOR ME AGAIN. But the ER PA did say it could be scarring they can't see, so I wondered about endo. Looked it up and it spoke to me in the worst ways lmao so I saw my OB and we're gonna try a few conservative things while I go through everything else.

So, a mystery right now.

So goddamn tired y'all. There's more but I'll save it for later. It hasn't been gucci but my MH is not as horrid as it was before.

Love you all.

[zoppzoop]

vent

dude. literally every relationship i have rn seems so surface-level.

the friends i had last sem, we're just falling apart and more than falling apart its like I've been just legit separated from them (lets call the T, A and S). and the other two friends I have rn are nice but then it all just feels so obligatory because one of them (lets call her R) was also a part of the group I was in earlier but now it feels like we're friends because we arent that close to anyone else and if she did find someone else she'd also just move on. and the other friend (lets call her D) I have I feel like she's friends with me only because of R and we wouldn't even be talking if it weren't for her because shes got her own group of people she talks to. and the thing with R and D is that they're like the social butterflies so its like are they talking to me because they actually want to or is it just the social butterfly-ness of them that they are just good with talking to anyone.

man i cant wait for this semester to get over so that I can go home..

our college has like an exchange program with another college in sweden and the academic fees are almost the same but the food and hostel fees might be a little more.. i'd love to be able to go there because honestly I would very much thrive with a change in environment, this whole place just feels so lonely I literally cant go through the day without feeling like crying my heart out.

on one hand im sad about the fact that I've drifted apart from T,A and S but on the other hand I also feel like hanging out with them wasn't good for my mental health either.. like I felt like I had to always keep up appearances and just try to appeal to them and what they'd want to do and it was getting tiring. and the times when i did end up doing things on my own they just got mad and it felt really unfair now that i think about it.

hHhHhHHHh i am not used to being in one place for so long... usually we just moved every year or every other year but this 5 year course seems like so much. my brain is literally like okay the relationships here have all gone to shit, cool, when are we getting away from this whole place and then I have the painful realisation that three more years of this bs are left and hhHHh man I just want to go home. i am so fucking done with this.

i thought academics would be the only stressor in my life but turns out that life had other plans and those were not gonna be stress-free :'D