#but this is the one political topic i am so fucking serious about

[tanadrin]

Imagine one day a new social trend starts spreading. It’s something unbelievably dumb. Not harmful per de, but truly silly to believe. Let’s say, I dunno, healing crystals start going mainstream. Everybody’s talking about their crystals. It becomes impolite to criticize people who believe in healing crystals. They become a big part of people’s personalities, and people on TV start talking about them, and one day years down the line politicians are debating funding for crystal-based medicine. And through it all you are sitting there going, what the fuck is happening. I thought we were all on the same page on this. You want to get along and be friendly and open minded but you cannot pretend to believe in healing crystals, this is nonsense, and when the topic comes up you refuse to lie about it. This eventually starts to have social consequences—they’re that popular!—but what can you do? You cannot pretend a lump of quartz can cure the flu or whatever. It’s just all so unbearably embarrassing.

I think what the centrist/liberal/center-left reactionary turn driven by culture war stuff feels like. And I think the key emotion is probably cringe. Not hate, not fear, though those emotions may reinforce the turn. I think in a lot of cases people who imagine themselves pretty open minded and flexible have as part of their worldview something they thought was bedrock social consensus—on the level of “healing crystals are silly woo”—so bedrock maybe that it didn’t even need to be a conceptual boundary they actually policed in their minds.

For instance, when she started her anti-trans turn, JK Rowling made a big show of not being really anti trans, just arguing that Some People Had Gone Too Far. She wasn’t a frothing religious reactionary, after all. And I believe that’s probably true! I think Rowling probably did have a mental model of sex and gender with a little bit of give in it—of the “we can humor the odd weirdo” type. But as the discussion of trans rights in the UK got more serious over her lifetime, trans people went from “the odd weirdo” to “a recognized minority,” and eventually this ran against a bedrock belief that on some level men are men and women are women and never the twain shall meet. To act otherwise was just too embarrassing. And she wasn’t going to embarrass herself in the name of political correctness.

Other people whose brains have been eaten by the anti-woke mind virus (as @eightyonekilograms calls it) have something going of the contrarian in them, who enjoys yelling “up yours, woke moralists!” or w/e. Im thinking of ppl like Glenn Greenwald here, or Dave Chapelle, people who seem not to feel alive except when people are mad at them. That’s a separate but interesting dynamic. And there are people like Graham Linehan who become totally unhinged through this process of auto-radicalization, moths drawn ever closer to a particular source of validation within their chosen reactionary subcommunity, until they are truly parodies of themselves. That is also an important dynamic, but it’s one that only takes hold after the initial turn has begun.

I think the role of that feeling of cringe, that refusal to entertain an idea because it is too embarrassing (even if it does actually have a decent body of research behind it, unlike crystals) is important to think about, because I am interested in how to get people over it. I know that feeling has affected my own thinking over my lifetime. I wasn’t raised particularly conservative, but I had to learn not to cringe at a lot of feminist thought before I could appreciate it and learn from it. I explicitly didn’t have that cringe when it came to gay people for whatever reason, so it never entered my mind that it might be a problem. I remember being surprised to learn when I was very young that some boys wanted to marry other boys, but my response was “huh. Go figure.” Because for whatever reason I had not picked up that this was something I was supposed to be grossed out by. A general doctrine of empathy, of trying to understand people on their own terms, can help forestall some of this stuff, but it’s not foolproof in either direction—I don’t want to believe crystals have healing powers if it becomes socially popular to do so, just because it is socially popular to do so! And if they do, I don’t want to not believe they do just because it is socially unpopular!

(Obviously the crystals thing is not a one to one metaphor for the trans thing, so don’t read too much into that. Maybe astrology would have been a better analogy. Also I’m not talking just about people whose reactionary turn is predicated on trans issues—I think this dynamic applies to everything from gay rights to the Tridentine Mass. But trans issues are a handy example bc, as the adage goes, somebody posts once about trans people and they never post anything normal again. I think the classic rapid-onset trans derangement syndrome is closely tied to the fact that gender norms are a really deep element of many people’s social-consensus-based worldview, and so challenged to that worldview are felt as really cringe.)

I’m curious if other people who grew more liberal in their thinking over time had a similar experience of having to overcome what was basically a feeling of embarrassment at certain ideas.

[mybutcheredtongue]

I'll Love You 'til the Grass Around My Gravestone is Deceased

harry potter timeline sirius black x fem!reader

CHAPTER FIVE (see full series list here)

1992

You reunite with Remus later in the Great Hall as you take your seats at the staff table beside each other.

"Dementors every where, just lovely," you grumble, before looking at Remus with a small smirk. "So...remind me why you didn't decide to tell me you were coming?"

Remus sighs, a small guilty smile tugging the corners of his lips upwards. "I wanted it to be a surprise."

You scoff, hitting his arm jokingly. "Fuck you, I could've spent my summer looking forward to having my best friend here with me. When did you find out?"

"Last month. Dumbledore said you had recommended me."

"I didn't necessarily recommend you, I just...may have mentioned your name along with the words 'great' and 'looking for a job'."

Remus chuckles, shaking his head. "I'm sure. But seriously, thank you. I really didn't expect him to hire me."

You lay a hand on his shoulder, smiling warmly. "You're brilliant, and I am right: you're going to be a great teacher. And hey, he hired me, didn't he? Only one who would." With that, you're reminded of your little visit from the Ministry and open your mouth to tell him about it but close it once you spot Dumbledore standing up to begin his speech.

"Welcome!" he booms brightly. "Welcome to another year at Hogwarts! I have a few things to say to you all, and as one of them is very serious, I think it's best to get it out of the way before you become befuddled by our excellent feast..."

He clears his throat and continues. "As you will all be aware after their search of the Hogwarts Express, our school is presently playing host to some of the Dementors of Azkaban, who are here on Ministry of Magic business."

You feel your heart start to beat faster at the topic at hand, and suddenly become very interested in the empty porcelain plate in front of you.

"They are stationed at every entrance to the grounds," he says, "and while they are with us, I must make it plain that nobody is to leave school without permission. Dementors are not to be fooled by tricks or disguises — or even Invisibility Cloaks."

You exchange a knowing look with Remus.

"It is not in the nature of a Dementor to understand pleading or excuses. I therefore warn each and every one of you to give them no reason to harm you. I look to the Prefects, and our new Head Boy and Girl, to make sure that no student runs foul of the Dementors."

Dumbledore pauses and looks very seriously around the Hall, and nobody moves or makes a sound.

"On a happier note," he says with renewed joy, "I am pleased to welcome two new teachers to our ranks this year. Firstly, Professor Lupin, who has kindly consented to fill the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher."

You clap enthusiastically, smiling widely as the room fills with some...scattered, rather unethusiastic, applause. You spy Harry, Ron, and Hermione clapping heartily and smile proudly at them. You glance around at the rest of the staff, clapping politely, and notice the sour expression on Snape's face. His gaze is dripping with pure loathing as he glares at Remus. You don't know whether to be pissed at Snape or to laugh at his pettiness.

"As to our second new appointment," Dumbledore continues, as Remus' applause dies away, "well, I am sorry to tell you that Professor Kettleburn, our Care of Magical Creatures teacher, retired at the end of last year in order to enjoy more time with his remaining limbs. However, I am delighted to say that his place will be filled by none other than Rubeus Hagrid, who has agreed to take on this teaching job in addition to his gamekeeping duties."

You beam down the table at Hagrid, clapping loudly. He's gone completely crimson, hiding his happy face in the tangle of his black beard.

"Well, I think that's everything of importance," Dumbledore concludes. "Let the feast begin!"

The plates and goblets lining the table in front of you fill with delicious food and you waste no time piling things onto your plate. The Hall echoes with talk, laughter and the clatter of cutlery against porcelain.

"So, now that you're here, I guess I can talk to you about...y'know," you say quietly to Remus, though the lowered volume isn't really necessary when the Great Hall is alive with such chatter and noise. "Got a visit from the Minister of Magic and a few of his buddies the last day."

"I expected as much," he replies with a sigh. "Actually, I'm so sorry, I meant to visit as soon as I found out but it was a full — "

"It's alright, Moony. I'm glad you didn't," you say with a weak smile. "They're monitoring the house again. I don't want you to have to get caught up in all this."

"Still...I feel bad about leaving you to deal with that alone."

You wave him off. "It's fine, honestly. I'm very brave." You chuckle at that last part, elbowing Remus playfully.

He doesn't seem to find it too funny, and worry lines crease his eyes as he opens his mouth to say something before shutting it, seemingly choosing against whatever he was going to say and returning to his meal.

⁠✧⁠*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。

The weeks pass much quicker than usual, spending less time bored and alone now that you have Remus to pester. Every Monday at breakfast, you wait anxiously for your delivery of The Daily Prophet, practically snatching it out of the air and rifling through it and scouring for any mention of Sirius. There are plenty, of course — constant reminders from the Ministry that they are doing everything they can to locate him.

Nothing interesting really happens, apart from Draco Malfoy throwing such a fit over Hagrid's lesson that his father is practically trying to get the heads of both Hagrid and Buckbeak on the chopping block. You understand that he was hurt...but in a magical world, most injuries are just not worth fretting over when you can pop up to Madam Pomfrey's and she'll have you mended in a minute.

You check up on Hagrid a few times for a quick cup of tea and it's obvious that the incident has shaken him and he's lost most of his excitement for his lessons. You feel awful. Hagrid has too kind of a soul to be subjected to the threats of Lucius Malfoy.

Speaking of which, you notice the uncanny resemblance between Draco and his father. Your distaste for Lucius has been present ever since you went to school together, and do your best not to let that impact the way you treat Draco — even if the fact that he decides to chat for most of his astronomy class while you are talking drives you up the walls. He is only a boy, after all, and we cannot help what values we are raised with and by whom we learn them from.

You really do wish Lucius hadn't passed on that hair to him though. It's a monstrosity.

You sigh as you sit at your desk, reading over your third years' homework. You hum quietly to yourself, Dubh sleeping soundly on your lap as you work.

You give Harry's a glance, ticking the labels scribbled beneath each star, before you find one incorrectly labeled and positioned star that strikes you as familiar. You shuffle through the other students' charts, eventually landing on Ron Weasley's, taking it out and holding it against Harry's in comparison. Same exact mistake and same exact misspelling of 'Gamma Geminorum'.

You chuckle, writing, 'Nice try' on both charts and moving on to the next.

⁠✧⁠*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。

The Halloween feast passes with you and Remus chatting amicably, the Great Hall lit up by floating candle-filled pumpkins, flaming bright orange streamers and clouds of fluttering live bats. And the food — Hogwarts dinners are always something you miss during the summer holidays.

Later that evening, you walk through the hallways back to your room, when you hear Dumbledore yell loudly from the Gryffindor corridor. Confused and curious, you change course and head down the hallway to find a large crowd of students murmuring, all pushing themselves up onto their tippy-toes to see over the heads in front of them.

Dumbledore is at the front with Percy Weasley beside him, so you push through the students to see what all the fuss is about.

The Fat Lady's portrait is void of the woman, replaced by vicious slashes ripping through the canvas, leaving strips fallen on the ground beneath it.

Dumbledore looks at the strips of canvas on the ground, glancing up and noticing you, before his eyes shift to your right and you turn and see McGonagall, Snape and Remus hurrying towards you.

"We need to find her," he says. "Professor McGonagall, please go to Mr Filch at once and tell him to search every painting in the castle for the Fat Lady."

"You'll be lucky!" Comes a cackling voice and you immediately know the speaker.

Peeves joyfully bobs over the group of students, blowing a raspberry at one trembling first-year.

"What do you mean, Peeves?" Dumbledore says calmly, and Peeves mischief fades quickly and he takes on a much more professional tone.

"Ashamed, Your Headship, sir. Doesn't want to be seen. She's a horrible mess. Saw her running through the landscape up on the fourth floor, sir, dodging between the trees. Crying something dreadful," he says cheerfully. "Poor thing," he adds, unconvincingly.

"Did she say who did it?" Dumbledore asks quietly.

"Oh, yes, Professorhead," Peeves replies, with a devious expression, as though he's got something truly shocking to reveal. "He got very angry when she wouldn't let him in, you see."

Peeves flips over, giggling, winking at you through his own legs. "Nasty temper he's got, that Sirius Black."

⁠✧⁠*⁠。✧⁠*⁠。

->-> read chapter six here!

→ all kinds of interaction are appreciated ♡

sorry it's been almost a week since last upload! had a bit of writer's block 💔

[doberbutts]

genuine question coming from a place of good faith: is it wrong of me to be scared for transmascs right now? the harassment of transfems by both radfems and now even tumblr staff is fucking horrendous, but im terrified that due to so much recent discourse, people are going to blame transmascs for it and hate us even more than they already do.

i genuinely do care about transfems and it’s utterly ghoulish what’s going on right now, and it needs to stop, but I can’t help but get this awful sinking feeling over how it could affect transmascs by proxy — but I’m not sure if that’s wrong of me? is it wrong to worry about, should I be focusing entirely on transfems right now? is it transmisogynistic of me to be concerned about both of these things instead of just the one? I don’t know if what I’m feeling is wrong and it’s stressing me out so badly :(

I don't think it's ever wrong to be concerned about multiple real problems at once.

I have stayed pretty quiet on this situation, mostly just adding stuff to my queue if I agree with it but not weighing in personally. Mainly the reason is that I genuinely don't know anything about the trans woman in question who all of this fuss is for. But, I have seen other trans blogs get nuked for seemingly flimsy reasons, and I have seen self-professed terfs and radfems crowing victory with the latest victims of their mass-reporting.

And I think this is a bit of a PR nightmare, but I also think this site does have a serious harassment problem the staff does not take nearly seriously enough while it also seems to punish in equal amounts blogs that get harassed AND blogs that were literally just minding their own business, with really the main similarities being that they are blogs owned by people belonging to seriously marginalized and at-risk demographics talking about controversial topics like racism and LGBT politics.

It is really quite frustrating that there are now accusations that trans mascs talking about their own oppression are behind this, when not only is there no proof behind the claim but also even without a lot of direct knowledge I am seeing a certain demographic cheering that their mass reports worked and I gotta say, that demographic largely isn't trans mascs.

I also think there is a lot of hypocrisy floating around, because some of these blogs I'm seeing mad about this latest streak of bans are also people who themselves have advocated for harassing others and mass-reporting others who simply fail the vibe check while just existing as themselves, off this website. And while those users don't have the power of the literal CEO, they're failing to see how they've contributed to the problem of this website's user culture of "send the most vile thing you can think of en mass until they break and leave and good riddance".

I say this as someone who also has been harassed by a band of people wanting to chase me off of this website. It is why I don't interact much with dogblr anymore. I have had several people who joined in that dog pile later approach me and apologize, but the damage is still done and I am not interested in engaging with a "community" so willing to tear someone apart on flimsy accusations that weren't even true. I almost killed myself that night, I had a mental break and turned off my blog completely for several days just to make it stop, and returned to see people similarly crowing with delight that they'd successfully run me off. It's happened to me, and the perpetrators were almost entirely white cisgender women, and I have been very reliably told by multiple other people that both my blackness and my transgender status were significant motivators in their poor behavior.

This also happening in the wake of yet another transgender teen killed by their peers has left me simply mentally and physically exhausted. I began involving myself more in the transgender community on here because I wanted this to stop. I wanted to help uplift my siblings and get them out of the pit before the whole thing caved in. It's feeling very hopeless right now for trans kids around the world and in the mean time it's also apparently my fault a trans woman I don't even know got banned I guess..

In any case. Hold your head up. We'll get through this, somehow. We always have. We always will.

[pepperstrawberry]

Pepper Rant

I'm sorry. I hate being negative. I... I'm having a hard time right now. Its been building all week. (I tried to figure out how to put a 'cut/readmore', but it seems a lot has changed with formatting since I last created a full post of my own that required more then a few quick images and text)

I know I don't post much on here, or at least no where near my old consistancy... but I am pretty happy I still see some familiar names float across my dash.

Though, right now, it feels like... like I'm lost. Trying to figure out someone to commiserate with, but I kinda don't want to burden folks and I can't remember which of the discords I'm on have spots for political rambles.

Most of my biggest fears are probably going to be very obvious.

November 8 2016, I remember being in a discord chat at the time. All the mods were off for one reason or another. Some folks were freaking out. Some weren't. This was an LGBT focused discord, so the fact that some folks were thinking things would be fine was a bit concerning. I had to use my minis to drown folks out, reminding folks that the discord in question had a specific space for that sort of topic and the main channel we were in need to be a space for just breathing. It was... a rough night for everyone I think.

Over the course of the next year plus, I would often say things like 'this feels like the sort of thing you see in history books around mid 20s - early 30s of Gernany. I wasn't sure how much I was speaking in hyperbole and how much was 1000% serious, but I do know I was leaning toward the later.

Now... here we are, on the cusp of another election, the same bastard moving for power. And I honestly feel more then ever I was at least close to the reality. It wasn't 1 to 1, mind. but it was... familiar enough.

With already some extremely disturbing actions by the SCOTUS and the like mouths before the vote is upon us gives me some chilling fears.

The unparalleled power the position of President now has is... not something to take lightly. And this time, its not a bumbling idiot that is going to be lost at how the job even works.

mind you, he is still a fool. He is still the same self centered piece of garbage. But this time, he has a team behind him already setting a lot of very very disturbing things in motion.

The 'Immunity' decision has basically cemented a path to getting everything they want. Not a little, but a lot.

I don't have the mental strength or energy. All I can feel is a tingling fear in my nerves that is slowly building. A reality I want to wake up from.

And the worst of it is: even if the Biden wins, that is *at best* a holding pattern. That guy isn't much better. Maybe he turned around several things Trump did, but it hasn't really felt like we have moved forward to anything better.

Unless something is *somehow* done about the Immunity decision, among others, then we are just going to be facing this nightmare again in the next election.

Honestly, I am not liking how next year is looking in either case. I would move out of country, but I don't even know which place would be best to run to, nor am I in nearly as 'stable' financially as I was even just a year ago.

I'm sorry, I used to keep my politic stuff on a separate tumblr... but honestly, fuck that. Things are just too fucked. I don't know how to keep my thoughts separate anymore.

I know for many across the world, what I fear is already their reality. It makes this whole mess feel even worse. I know there is good in this world. Good people and good places... but I feel like everyone I know is so spread out. Even my closest friends (aside from a couple of family members and my girlfriend) are miles away at the least and states or even countries away at most. So even if I were to find a place to run to, its going to be... difficult.

No this isn't a plea for cash or anything. At least not yet. Just right now, I need to get it out of my system on some level. Even if it ends up as 'not as bad as I fear', the fact is, it is still going to be horrible for many of us. I thought that at least the Senate and SCOTUS would at least provide a *little* barrier to the plans of that bastard and his allies. But that barrier no longer exists. I don't know what is going to stand against him doing most of not all they are planning.

Tonight, as I right this, there are still fireworks popping off. A night that was supposed to celebrate independence from a King...

I fear next year, they will be celebrating a new king... and they may not even be simulated.

[alpaca-clouds]

Something I am thinking about a lot while I am in the hospital is how our measurements of expertise are bound so strongly to structures of power. This is not inherent to expertise - it is just how our current system handles things.

The fact that someone has a doctorate in a field of medicine does not inharently enable them on a reality level to actually treat someone, who is sick. It enables them to do so legally, yes, but not realistically.

As someone who has struggled with health related issues forever, I can tell so many stories of times, where it was not a doctor who helped me but some other person. There was a nurse once, who saved me from being poisoned by a doctor, because she realized - other than the doctor - that the doctor accidentally had prescribed me the wrong medication. And there was only two years a nurse in the psych hospital who fixed an issue with my knee that so far several different doctors had failed to fix.

Throughout my life I several times correctly diagnosed myself with medical conditions, after different doctors misdiagnosed me.

The same is happening right now as well. @g-vlssz and I correctly identified the issue plaguing me right now TWO FUCKING MONTHS ago, and my current deterioation in health could've been prevented if any of the multiple doctors who saw me during this time just gave me corticoids. But they didn't, because I do not have a medical degree. It took me six weeks to convince a doctor to just look into our suspicion - a test that any other doctor could have ordered as well.

And the only reason that nobody took it serious, despite me arguing on a medical level (like with blood lab results and stuff) why I was suspecting the thing I was suspecting. And the only reason why it was not taken seriously is, that I do not have a piece of paper by a medical institution that gives me the legal power to just prescribe myself the medication.

Self-Diagnosis is always this massively politically charged topic, especially when it comes to a plethora of disabilities. Not only will doctors often get really angry, when you bring the topic up, but a lot of non-doctors, who believe in the existing power structure will as well.

It is something that on some level does make sense intuitively. Like, sure, we do not want people to be able to prescribe themselves like morphines, I guess.

But a lot of talk also always centers around the fact, that a lot of people do simply fear cancer. So, when some varied symptoms show up, they often will jump to the conclusion of "OMG, it has to be cancer". But... like... You are aware that this happens mostly because those people end up often feeling neglected by their primary medical providers after like going to the doctor for their chronic stomach issues and do not get serious - or will not even get to see a doctor in months because the waiting lists are so long. Nobody WANTS to be sick with cancer - but if nobody looks into any causes, what information do have people to go on? It is simply a fact that cancer is one of those sicknesses with a lot of information available on it. So, when someone starts to google: "Chronic stomach ache cause" cancer will be one of the things that will come up.

I mean, the reason why both I and my friend were correctly able to identify my symptoms (not with the exact sickness but the correct type of sickness) was that I managed to get at least seen by doctors and get some blood work done - and that I simply went into it assuming that the various symptoms that showed up unrelated over the last year without a cause ever being found were connected. And one of the symptoms is something that basically only shows up with the type of sickness I have. No, I did not know that to begin with, but I googled it and other than what the anti-self-diagnosis crowd tells you, you can actually get pretty good information that way.

I have yesterday contacted a lawyer. I will talk to that lawyer later today. But I cannot help but think about not only how unfair this entire situation is to me (had the doctors given me corticoids 8 weeks ago, I never would have ended up in hospital), but also towards other people. Because right now there is a lot of healthcare money and man hours put into my case. Things that would be probably be better spend with someone, whose issue could not be fixed by just giving them a two weeks course of corticoids. Like, I am taking up room in this hospital for at least two more weeks, and by the end of it my health insurance will have paid between 30 and 40k for this. Simply because my GP was not available and nobody else would just give me the medication I needed?

[patrochillesvibes]

38 & 39?

I do have some thoughts on these topics...

38. If/when they have kids, what is their parenting style (or pets-who does what)?

Ah, so this is their one problem. Achilles is cat coded and Patroclus is a dog person. Achilles hates dogs, so can’t be pet parents. They’re just going to have to have babies, then.

Achilles is THE embarrassing (cringe) parent. He is a very active parent, involved in EVERYTHING. He does a lot of hovering, wanting to make sure his babies are okay and get everything they need. He cries about everything, first time baby walks, first loose tooth, first day of school, graduation, recital etc. For the first day of Uni, Achilles will act like his baby is abandoning him. He requires lots of hugs and kisses from his babies. And very sentimental too, he will frame every piece of art baby draws. I guess you could say that his life will revolve around his babies. He has too much separation anxiety to ever be one of those working parents.

Patroclus is a normal parent, or at least Achilles makes him look normal. He’s usually the one who says no mostly bcs someone in the family has to say no. He gives the best advice. If baby had any problems, Pat would know how to fix it. Pat is always proud of his babies, no matter what grades they get etc.

39. Do they get along with the other's family? If not, how do they deal with the other's family?

I don’t actually think Thetis dislikes Patroclus. It’s all in his head that his MIL is out to get him. She can be a bit tough on him, true, but she only wants what’s best for her son. She’s a little easier on him once she gets some grandbabies. I think Thetis would visit regularly once there’s grandbabies.

Peleus isn’t very good with kids. He doesn’t know what to do with them. Or he at least never knew what to do with Achilles and all his energy. He always let Achilles have or do whatever he wanted as it was easier than dealing with a 4-yo having a screaming tantrum so bad he passes out.

Peleus is old country club money friends with Menoetius, so the match with Patroclus is alright with him. Perhaps if Patroclus was more into cigars and old scotch and was a member at the club, then they’d get along grand. But he doesn’t, so Peleus doesn’t really know how to bond with him. They are very polite with each other. It used to stress Pat out that he needed to get Peleus’ approval, but he’s come to terms with who Peleus is. Whenever he’s around grandbabies he gives them money and a pat on the head. He visits for birthdays and holidays.

The Menoetius situation could be best described as a ticking time bomb.

Menoetius thinks there’s something wrong with Achilles and is not marriage material. He usually keeps his distance. He liked that his son and Achilles were friends, it’s a good connection, but Achilles is more fuck buddy material than anything more serious. Menoetius was a BIG fan of Pat’s ex-girlfriend (more about that in a sec). Each time they broke up he would try to set Pat up with some nice, normal girls to help him get back in the game and steer clear of Achilles.

Achilles is always very polite and nice to his FIL, despite the uneasiness. He is completely obvious to Menoetius’ feelings.

Okay, so about the “ex-girlfriend”… Well. There are days when Achilles feels rather femme. On these days, which are random, she prefers to be called Pyrrha. Now Pyrrha could best be described as High Femme. Think of the girliest girl you know, Pyrrha is girlier.

There were four occasions where Menoetius met Pyrrha. The first was an absolute nightmare. Pat was like ‘haha take off the disguise and get serious we’re about to have lunch with my father.’ Pyrrha was insulted. Frustrated Pat was like ‘Stop it you’re doing this for the bit’ and Pyrrha screamed ‘This is not a bit this is who I am.’ And it just crumbled into their first real argument. After a lot of tears, Pyrrha won. And so, Menoetius got to meet Pyrrha. Pat can’t bring himself to tell his father the truth.

Since no two sources can agree on who Pat’s mom was, I think it’s better we go with the hc she’s dead.

[hole34]

i hate it here because tumblr is supposed to be a place for subgroups of “different” kinda people to connect but no it’s just cutsie fandom artists and shallow aesthetic cute little blogs like istg i hate how connected you all are. where the fuck am i supposed to go with my actually niche interest silly tumblr fandoms don’t give a shit about and need to talk about politics and serious topics i care about like world conflict snd ethics as an outlet. twitter?

I’m not enough to fit into one cute little fucking subgroup but I’m too much to fit into one cute little fucking subgroup. always too much, always gotta be boxed in, the idea of fandoms on the internet sounds great to me until it becomes SO boxed in to the point it feels more about how you act and look and post and shit rather than the actual interest, yk?

i’m rambling and i acknowledge how petty and unimportant this is but jesus christ i just really don’t feel comfortable or heard anywhere

[obstinatecondolement]

Suicide mention cw (I'm fine, just talking through some of my thoughts about the use of terms like 'unalive')

I think the thing that I find most annoying about TikTok style euphemisms is that there are already many conventionally understood euphemisms for most of the words they are trying to bowlderise past (imagined?) censors. Like 'he unalived himself' ?? For fucks sake, as if people haven't been saying 'he took his own life' and the still more vague 'he sadly lost his life to mental illness' and been understood perfectly well for years before the term 'unalive' was a gleam in the eye of one of these Newspeak enthusiasts.

It just feels very trivialising of the serious subjects they are talking about?? Like I know that the register of different words is entirely culturally constructed and it is entirely arbitrary for me to think 'unalive' is more disrespectful than 'took (their) own life' but also like I think that the arbitrary values people place on the words we use to speak about serious topics is worth respecting!

Idk, I guess my thing is that if a large number of people think it is trivialising suicide to use 'unalive' as a censorship dodging euphemism—which they do!—then I think that is a good enough reason not to do it. Almost everyone has lost someone to suicide, or will at some time in their life, and for me it is not worth making them feel like you're diminishing their loss with silly-willy baby talk.

I am definitely kind of conservative about word choice though, and I chose singular they over neopronouns because I had this idea that using something that had been in conventional use for hundreds of years would seem less silly to cis people, which, like, is very telling of my own internalised issues and also I don't think that cis people who are going to think the concept non-binary people are silly can be so easily won over, lol.

But Idk, I do still think that for the TikTok bowlderisation thing, people should just defer to any of the many polite euphemisms that already exist and will not be jarring to their audience if they feel the need to talk around something, because I feel this is not quite the same scenario as the issue where I was embarrassed to use neopronouns because of internalised transphobia.

[puppypeter]

RAAAHHHHHH your most recent bottom!Roy post is just *chefs kiss* PERFECTION!!!

I am endlessly fascinated by super masculine Alpha male type characters getting to bottom, and while slutty!Roy is a stroke of genius, I also LOVVVVEEE first time bottoming!Roy, because maybe its something hes always been peripherally interested in but because of his public persona/sports politics/internalised homophobia/internalised sexism, no one ever really ASKED, and he probably wouldnt have felt safe enough to try with a casual hookup even if they had.

ENTER JAMIE TARTT, PEOPLE PLEASER AND PRAISE SEEKER!

I do believe in my soul that Roy is a Dom, but I do think the intimacy and vulnerability of bottoming with Jamie would be something Roy would definitely be willing to explore. I think it would probably be super emotional and cathartic for Roy (and probably Jamie too, because could you imagine how overwhelming that kind of trust would be?), but both Roy and Jamie would really have to work up to it, because internalised homophobia is a complicated beast, and you can think you're not super effected by any ingrained ideologies until all of a sudden you're having a panic attack mid-Coitus.

There WILL be crying for both of them when they do finally work up to it though, that I know for absolute certain.

I still think Roy bottoming would probably be very rare though, even just purely because of how emotionally fraught the whole ordeal is, but I do think it would really be the kind of thing that just reaffirms how serious RoyJamie are about each other. Romantic sex that simultaneously unpacks our individual internalised issues, my absolute beloved ❤️

yay someone in my inbox screaming about bottom roy kent is what dreams are made of! 🥰🥰🥰

I agree with everything, there's many different ways it could be explored. Either as him becoming more and more stuck in his ways about sex too, like no I can't go back to that or even sadder, having a bad experience with someone, maybe a casual or not so casual partner making some comments that hurt deeper than they think and which make him swear to never trust someone that much again.

I also do love them being together, snuggling all warm and flushed and talking about the more vulnerable stuff and he (a little pouty and playing with his hands in a nervous manner in a similar fashion to jam tartt) wonders why would jamie assume he'd top though :( and he expect maybe jamie to laugh in a mocking way (like cmon have you seen yourself) but jamie just giggles and admits that he was just eager to selfishly have roy in him but he'd of course love to die a different death too

Also, while technically nobody's business, I can see the locker room talk around the topic and everyone straight up assuming Jamie bottoms cause I mean have you seen him (and the cake on him lol) so they're all a bit surprised when they somehow find out otherwise

I think my obsession comes with mostly Roy looking absolutely delicious when he's all flushed and he gets those rosy cheeks (Jamie 100% jokingly lovingly calls him doll), the thought of beefy baby Jamie looking after him in s.3 like he's so eager to court him and make sure he's got what he needs (sticks his hoodie on him, brings him tea, ice pack, hugs him from behind and kisses his shoulder like he did at the gala with keeley 😭). Ok this is not a post about roy kent bottoming anymore, it's about roy kent having equal rights to be looked after and treated like a prince by his boyfriend (whose mum and stepdad have made sure knows how to) and Roy being absolutely gobsmacked at the treatment because what the fuck is going on this is so nice I'm not used to this oh flowers? for me? but I am cooking you dinner Jamie shut up, you remembered the washing powder that doesn't irritate my skin? you bought me something because it reminded you of me?

(ok I'm self projecting on roy again and healing my inner child via him but as someone that also sees roy as a the post child for childhood emotional neglect i can see him being both overly touched but also thrown off by someone taking care of him and puttint his needs first, there's so much i want to say about that it would take a million words)

[atreyushortcake]

Something that grinds my gears

Hello everyone, Atreyu again….. long time no rant actually!

Today I have something on the chopping block that hasn’t been called much to call out so for those who are left out via guilt trip, I hope this post is to your liking(but however if you support Israel, get the fuck out of my profile, im serious). I might get hate for this one but oh well, they’re just mad Im speaking common sense.

So, anyways, onto the topic. I am extremely concerned about the wellbeing of the people of Palestine and whatever Israel is doing is very unforgivable but lately Ive been seeing reels from pro-Palestine accounts saying “oh, if you skip this bideo, you will be denying access to this family’s freedom” come on, that introduction is so stupid, cant you ask politely for the video instead of guilt tripping, thats not cool at all. Its not just pro-palestine accounts having this ussue but also some people who are actually from Palestine, I understand their pain but that is no excuse to be shouting “I dont forgive anyone who watches this video without liking/sharing it” like, I understand you are suffering but honestly, please ask nicely, most people could even feel horrible watching the beginning of the video, especially those with ADHD, Autism, etc, etc. Sometimes guilt trip could lead to something far more worse like suicide.

I dont really understand why the maker of the video would guilt trip the viewer into donating or even sharing but in reality, they’re actually just making it hard for the viewer judging by what they say before talking about whoever needs help.

In conclusion, I think we all need to stop guilt tripping others into posting about Palestine and just ask politely before talking about someone who needs help. Guilt trip is intolerable and theres a chance it could even lead into something far more.

Thank you!

Anyways, Free Palestine ❤️🍉

[freyanistics]

Welcome to the Black Cat lounge 🐈‍⬛

A bit about me:

Hello my name is Elliot but I much prefer to go by Black Cat. I’m a 23 year old black butch lesbian who stays in their corner of the internet. I go by any pronouns so don’t be afraid to use any on me. I live in the US and work in the early mornings and basically have the rest of the day off. I also have three cat babies (Barbie, Broomstick, and Kirby). I have ADHD so I tend to be a bit scatterbrained at times and don’t always focus on one thing.

Media I’m into (stars meaning I’m super hyperfixated on):

⭐️Marvel

⭐️Spiderman

⭐️ATSV/ITSV

Undertale/Deltarune

Resident evil village

⭐️Fnaf

⭐️Smiling friends

⭐️Castlevania

⭐️Minecraft

Nintendo

⭐️Lumpytouch Waldo series

⭐️Welcome Home

Sonic

•Will add more periodically

YouTubers I watch:

Berleezy

CoryxKenshin

Markiplier

Lenarr Young/Lenarrio

DashieGames

Britani

Jacksepticeye

Dawko

RicoTheGiant

Harriyana Hook

Before you follow:

Before you hit the follow button I’d like to put out a few things. This page is 18+, I don’t feel comfortable with minors following or interacting with me. I don’t post or reblog heavy nsfw content but I do tend to say or share things that are suggestive in nature. On top of that I want to have an adult safe space where I don’t have to be careful about what I say just in case. So sorry if you’re under 18 please don’t follow me until you’re a legal adult (and if you do you’re going to get blocked).

On top of that I tend to swear a lot so if that makes you uncomfortable then don’t follow me.

I am not interested in nor will participate in any fandom discourse/drama. It’s the same thing that rears its head up every two months or so and it’s repetitive. I don’t care to see or hear about it. I have my own opinions and I welcome other’s so long as they are respectful. We can agree to disagree.

I do tend to talk about serious topics that’s going on in the world, specifically race and politics. If you don’t like seeing that then my page isn’t for you. The world and its people are suffering and we can’t stay in the dark anymore.

My beliefs:

I am fully ACAB. I do not like or trust the police no matter how “nice” they may be. As a black person living in the US I am constantly nervous about being around the cops, especially if they’re white. Rest in peace Sonya Massey, say her name.

I am pro Palestine 🇵🇸. Fuck isnotreal and anyone who supports a genocide and an ethnic cleansing.

I am also pro Congo 🇨🇩, pro Sudan 🇸🇩, pro Yemen 🇾🇪, pro Hawaii 🌺. Free them all.

I am pro choice. Abortion rights is human rights and no one should get to choose but myself.

Sex work is real work. The porn industry is shady asf and takes advantage of its workers.

Trans rights are human rights 🏳️‍⚧️

Black women are the goat. Will always give flowers to my queens 🖤🤎

Black Lives Matter ✊🏿✊🏾✊🏽

Health care should be provided to everyone and should be easily accessible.

Homeless people are human fucking beings. Treat them with respect and kindness and leave them the fuck alone.

Fuck AI art. It’s not real art it’s stealing from other artists who actually put work into it.

DNI (Do Not Interact):

Do not engage with me if you’re into the following

Pro Israel

Proship

Pro life

Racist

Xenophobic

Zoophilia

Fatphobia

Homophobia

Transphobia

Erasure/fetishizing lesbians

End notes:

I want to end it off with saying at the end of the day this is my page and I’ll handle it however I want it. If you don’t like that or don’t like me for any reason, block me. I don’t need any negativity thrown my way. I don’t mind talking to people and interacting with others who share the same interests as me. My ask box is always open! My page is also a safespace for black people, queer or not. As a black writer any fics I make with a main character or Y/N will always be depicted black since there’s few fics that have us in it. If you want to see my fully feral and nsfw drabbles or thoughts you can follow me on @bearlybella-but-sluttier (although I need to revamp that blog)

[borathae]

it’s the fact you have this platform with lots of followers and don’t use it to advocate for the right things

If you are the lil bitch fucker that keeps spamming me with "israel vs palestine" ANON messages, get off the fucking internet and get a fucking life.

Anyone with a fucking brain between their skull should know what I think about this very serious fucking topic and the fact that you make it into a little internet trend by going "hihi israel or palestine? pick one hihi" says way more about your fucking character than mine. You're fucking pathetic for sending in mutlitple asks like that just because you think it's cool to "jump onto the trend". Just because it's currently "trendy" on social media to pick sides, doesn't mean it's fucking okay to make it a thing. IT IS NOT! As if war and genocide is ever something you should make into a "lil social media trend", it's fucking disgusting how y'all are so chronically online these days that you don't even use your rotten brains for just one second to think "hey maybe I shouldn' t actually make it into a trend and go around saying hihi which side to pick to any stranger on the internet". Seriously fucking get a fucking grip on reality you bitch ass. There's actual people losing their homes and lives in Palestine right now, you assface, they're not just props in your newest "internet trend poll".

I don't "advocate" about the "right things" on this fucking blog because it's literally not that kind of blog. It's a blog where you can come to escape reality. You can fangirl/boy/enby, you can read and look at fanart, talk about bangtan and their music and you can FUCKING ESCAPE REALITY. It has never been a political/worldnews kind of blog because there are a lot better blogs out there for that. Blogs run by people who want to make it possible that people keep up to date with everything happening in the world, people who have politics as their passion and who will have a way broader vocabulary on the topic than I ever will.

Having followers no matter how many doesn't mean you automatically have to speak up about everything happening in the world just so lil bitch strangers like you can sleep better at night. I will not goddamn fucking perform my activism as if I'm a lil circus clown just to get off lil bitches like you. I'll donate as much as can, I'll try to keep up with the news as best as possible and I'll send prayers to everyone suffering and I'll do it not because I want to look better on the internet but because I actually fucking care about the people. And yes something like this is possible. You can actually care about world topics and partake in helping the innocent people in need without boasting about it on the internet. Yeah what a fucking wild take, but's it's actually fucking possible.

And now for the last fucking time so that even rotten brained bitches like you understand it, I generally don't tend to speak up about political or worldnews matters on here because this blog is a possibility for anyone who wants to escape the burdening realities for a little while.

If you would have come here actually wanting to seriously talk about this topic or asked me to give you guys options on how to help the people of Palestine, I would have fucking loved to do so. But instead you come here on anon like a lil coward bitch and try to make it into a "hihi funny internet trend hihi pick sides hihi funny". You're fucking disgusting and there is a reason why I've ignored you until now.

Now for anyone who actually wants to help and do something that will actually help the Palestines, I'll give you a list of organisations you can donate to. Make sure to see if you can donate from your country, I picked out the European sites of the organisations.

MAP

Islamic Relief

Save the Children

UN -> it will contain a list of more donation options

I am sure that there so many more organisations you can donate to, but I picked out the ones which I personally think trustworthy and to which I've also donated without any problems (please educate me if one of them is a scam and I haven't heard about it yet). Also feel free to leave more links in the comments, so there will be an array of possibilities for anyone who wants to help.

[pettyeti]

vrai lore (kinda).

unscripted. this is mostly a joke, but there are some serious bits.

i will preface this by saying he changes a lot after meeting Etienne, so take this as Before Eti Era (B.E.E)

real lore page coming soon. for now take this shitpost.

Name: Asmodeus. Real name is Vrai. Do not call him by his real name otherwise he will k*ll you. Vrai does not remember his last name.

Age: OLD. Too old tbh (935 years old). Don't call him old otherwise he will k*ll you. He was 37 when he became a voidsent.

I don't know when the Flood of Darkness happened. I bend canon and say that it occured 1000~ years before canon.

Gender: Cisgender man.

Sexuality: GAY.

Personality: Very charming and suave. Will call you "my dear" and "my girl" like Howl (you know what scene I am referring to.) Makes you feel like you're the most important person in the room.

Unfortunately, this is just a front. Vrai holds no love for mortals and throws people away when they stop being interesting to him. Vrai is very selfish. Vrai does not care about you. Vrai wants you to suffer because it is interesting to him. He will just be very polite while he watches you die.

Secretly, Vrai longs for the bygone days before he became a voidsent. He misses the sun on his face. He misses the love he once felt. He misses adventuring. He looks at the heroes of other worlds who have not lost their souls to the darkness with extreme intrigue and extreme jealousy.

Vibe: The vibes that emanate from this dude are MAD rancid.

Smell: Oh he smells so good. Like a moonlit path in the forest. Like old books in a well loved library. He also has a bit of a rosy scent when you get close.

Wisdom: 100000/10. Extremely smart. He is a walking encyclopedia. Knows a bit about everything, but has special interests in astronomy, aetherology, and biology.

Job?: This binch unemployed!!

Um? Where does he live??: He has a giant castle on the Thirteenth. It's located on the northern continent so it's cold as fuck! Vrai sits on a throne usually because he is melodramatic. Much like Zero's place, Vrai's castle serves as a domain for weaker voidsent who have pledged their loyalty to him. In return for keeping his castle pretty, Vrai protects them.... kinda.

What does he do all day?: Vrai lounges in his castle and watches people on the Source using a magic mirror he crafted himself. Vrai's been watching heroes and other interesting people for centuries, occasionally going to the Source himself to spook people. When he's bored, he'll spark conflicts. Think Eris and the Trojan War.

Likes: Reading. CHAOS. Collecting books, rare crystals, and other expensive junk. Intelligent people. Wine (hates all other alcohols.) Fighting. Learning about new topics.

Dislikes: Liars. Being outsmarted. Cockroaches. Weak willed people. Being reminded that he was once mortal.

Parents: Vrai had two moms. One was a witch who had a keen interest in herbs and horticulture. The other was a shepherd who liked her solitude and lived in the mountains. They did not survive the Flood. Vrai loved them very much and had a good childhood <3

Combat: Expert caster. Uses a scythe to channel devastating black magic. The scythe isn't just for show either.

What about G*lbez?: Vrai doesn't fuck with Golbez and Golbez doesn't fuck with Vrai. It's an uneasy cold war situation going on between them because Vrai don't care Golbez's plan. He's here for a good time.

Golbez doesn't fuck with him because it would be a waste of time and resources. Golbez is stronger than Vrai and would win in a fight if it came down to it, but it wouldn't be worth it because Vrai would destroy everything Golbez has worked for before kicking the bucket. Still, Vrai let's Golbez do his thing because uhhh. He don't give a fuck. Just leave him alone and let him play with his heroes and they'll be Gucci.

[rainbowr0ses]

Okay part 2 of the protocol journey, idk why I’ve decided to do this, but I’m continuing until I reach the end or run out of motivation. 

This is what I do instead of sleeping (silly… for the most part) if any of this sounds like- off-? Or more unhinged than I usually am? Blame it on my time zone 

(This is after-watching Roses, this episode does talk about serious topics, so I recommend checking the content warnings before listening!)

oh hi Jonny! You’re starting the episode this time? 

Oh hi Alex! Jonny usually does this part, doesn’t he?

Spooky intro! 

Oh that’s a spooky title, knowing the tma/tmp series that is

The SFX my beloved <3 

Dracula-? Hi-?

This categorizing system is so silly to me-

Hahahah she got it wrong!

I love the sounds- it’s so different from the tape recorders

This is gwen right? Cause Alice’s voice is deeper.

I was right! The voices so far are easy to differentiate 

Or maybe I’m just better at it

Damn Gwen 

Alice is so real for that. I say that on a daily basis-

Oh- new scene! 

Oh that’s funky

Zoom-?

THERAPY?????

I- that voice- I recognize this voice

Oh I know that tone from therapists. Mmmm

Whoever you are kinda mystery lady, you are right

Okay, that’s a good way to speak

Patience!!

Fair-

I should not have laughed at the “deep trauma that your itching to unpack”as much as I did-

We love our artists. All forms of artists, but in this case we’re talking about a visual artist

Wtf

I’m sorry- is #makeupfree An actual hashtag-? (I don’t use a majority of social media, because you know (:  )

Ah

Good for you? Feeling more comfy in your own skin?

That’s not a good silence, I know that silence. That’s the thinking silence that means your brain is producing thoughts that aren’t good. Those thoughts are treated respectfully, and those that have them are welcomed in the household, but not the thoughts themself. (Guys I promise I’ve studied psychology-) I paused the episode for this

Continuing!

Daria! Such a pretty name

Ah, makeover is a good term

Oh? Tattoo time?

A generic witchy-alchemist character-? I wanna know who cause that’s so silly. Oh wait it’s generic, would it even be a specific character?

Ah so this is the ink5oul thing

I swear I saw ink5oul x bonzo somewhere. Or maybe it was needle?

Oh?

Pfft-

I can see this tbh (I’ve never watched ink5oul-)

Oh-? I love tattoos like that 

Does ink5oul actually exist-? 

Icky

I love when people are so spooky and use they/them pronouns

Omg

Diversity wins! The tattoo artist who is also an influencer that is causing you excruciating pain is referred to with they/them pronouns!

I unpaused the episode at wasp stings- flash backs to the Jane prentiss statement (🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱🪱)

Heartbeat noise!

Oh passing out from pain is such a trope

Not the mediocre dubstep-

Oh that’s so aesthetic!!

Tbh I wouldn’t complain if that was my tattoo

yeah go get your eeps Daria!

I have no idea how you spell Daria’s name-

Oh yay!! She’s having a good time! I can’t wait for it to be ruined

Oh here It goes

Ah-

Mmh

I see where this is going

I- oh dear- 

WHAT DO YOU MEAN-??

THE FUCK??

oh goodness not “perfect”

I- 

Mh

I’m speechless

I’m-

Oh fucking dear

I. The wording of this is- AAAAAAAAAAAA

This is going to go so so so so so so wrong

YEAH, SHE BETTER SCREAM WHAT THE FUCK

Oh? Valid? 

You see, this is what a therapist should do. 

Valid point, valid point, from the lady who tried to remake herself into something perfect by carving it out on a painting. 

That’s a normal painter people thing probably-

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT LAST LINE-

oh clicking buttons

Alice. Okay Alice and Tim share the same vocal slot in my brain now

That’s so fair actually Alice-

“Paid to not care” I can make so many Political jokes rn-

Camera time!

Echo-y

Alice and Gwen interaction!!

I-??? 

What kind of question?

Oh government stuff

Fucking Alice- I love you so much 

Gwen is my favorite 

I think I like Bouchard characters-

Elias, and not Gwen-

I love one sided conversations, but only when I can understand what’s being said though, but I can get the gist from Alice

Oh she went silent-

Click click click

I love band names-

THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE??

???????

MY INSTITUTE??

I mean. 👀

The computer must be so disappointed

The aggressive beat after its so- quiet? Always jumpscared me (I’ve heard it twice)

Woooo credits!! We love crediting people!! 

[dear-ex-person]

Dear ex-best friend,

Do you remember how we met? It was a bus in 8th grade, and we sorta knew each other but not really, and you were showing me pictures on your phone and there was an aroace flag in there and I went, “Me too!”

And from then on we were close! You introduced me to fandoms, and we texted so so much, and I think you smiled and laughed so much (but what if I’m making that up?). I practically had a crush on you! It was something I’ve only felt for a few people, and it was so strong, this queerplatonic or alterous or whatever attraction . There was a time in 9th grade when one of our friends saw us laughing over some fandom thing and told me we had incredible chemistry, and I just giggled and informed that other friends that we were both aroace.

So yeah, we were close. I loved you more than I loved anyone, probably. You laughed so much. We talked every day, we made silly joking threats, it was fun.

What happened?

We’re still friends, but I don’t know how much either of us want to be. I don’t know what changed! What happened, what happened?

You never smile around me, you don’t laugh, you take all my jokes like they’re serious statements in this way you never did before. I’m trying, I swear, I’m trying so hard, but you never seem happy with what I’m saying! I try to be funnier than usual, even, but you don’t laugh. You laugh with everyone else! You share fandom things with everyone else! But when I start reading a whole four volume translation of an ancient book because it relates to your main fandom that I like too, you seem annoyed. Do you think I’m trying to one-up you? To take over your thing? Or do you just… hate me, for some reason I can’t imagine?

Last year we sat next to each other in class and elbowed each other until one of us gave up, and we laughed about it. This year I tap you on the head and you ask me to stop, please don’t do that again, you’re not mad I just should know. And that’s ok, but what changed? Is everything ok? Did I do something wrong?

I hate hate hate how I fucking feel around you. I just want to know what I did wrong! I have to have, right? Did I say something wrong? Is there some belief of mine that you hate, but you’re too polite to say it? Is it something about me as a person? Did I fuck up and say something insensitive on accident one too many times?

I miss being able to make you laugh. Now I could say anything and you’d just stare, or act like I said something FUCKING WRONG, something strange and horrible, WHAT DID I DO WRONG? I can’t TALK TO YOU! I can’t bring this up to anyone, because we’re all one friend group and you laugh with all of them.

There’s one thing you did that makes me want to break ties, even though we can’t because one big friend group. One of my other friends from another group, someone I love so so so so much, said one tiny insensitive thing in a class the two of you have, and you brought it up. And I know it was a topic extremely personal to you, but when I left the conversation and came back ten minutes later YOU WERE STILL FUCKING TRASH TALKING THEM! For one thing, for one insensitive but fair comment, you acted like they were the world’s largest piece of shit. You said “I think people shouldn’t voice their negative opinions of others” and then talked shit about someone I love and trust for way longer than made sense. Is that why you seem to hate me? Because I’m friends with them?

They’re a better friend than you.

There are times when you don’t seem to hate me, or be annoyed or bored with me, or whatever. Times when you spill your issues, and I pick at leaves and listen and you say you’re so glad we’re friends now and I say I am too and it sounds so toxic when I type it out but it doesn’t feel that way in those moments! I don’t think you’re doing any of this intentionally, I’m just hurt for no reason or something.

I wish we could have back what we had. I miss texting with you. I miss seeing your face light up. I miss loving you.

.