#tw medical trauma

[rhinexstone]

My fav version of poison ivys power origin story is a lá Thorns (medically tortured as a kid) and when she learns about a literal child following batman around she FREAKS OUT.

Ivy gets batman alone then serves him a total curveball: she wants to vaccinate Robin from most of her toxins. Bruce thinks it’s a trap until word on the street is that Scarecrow and joker had multiple poisons stolen. He confronts ivy and she admits to stealing them but it’s for the proposed vaccine for Robin.

The rules are that he’s not allowed any samples of the vaccine, and Robin stays with her for three hours for the vaccine to fully absorb into his system. Batman can stay with him, but only in the same room as she might need to use lab equipment.

So every Robin gets the very odd experience of having their biannual vaccine from Dr. Poison Ivy, where they are all on their best behavior and get biodegradable stickers while Bruce just very patiently sits next to them like >:| with one of those temperature guns aimed at their heads

[identitty-dickruption]

the other thing you lot need to keep in mind is that being intersex isn’t entirely about genitalia, and many intersex people have roughly “normal-looking” genitals

when people talk about our bodies, a lot of the time they’re still using the fetishised version of the intersex body. they’re still thinking of us as having both a fully functioning penis and a fully functioning vagina, and that’s just NOT the case

yes, it’s possible for intersex people to have genital differences, but even then. it’s the least interesting part of my intersex experience. when you choose to just focus on the genitals, you’re forgetting:

the trauma that often happens to those of us with genital differences (e.g. IGM)

the hormonal differences (which can also result in medical trauma, as well as bullying and shame)

the resulting and/or comorbid chronic illnesses that often come about due to being intersex

being intersex is not 100% traumatic or anything. I actually have come to love my intersex body and my intersex community. but for all that is holy. please stop acting like being intersex is just “cool quirky genitals”

[wishful-seeker]

I have 0% tolerance for doctors anymore, if they treat me shitty once they will again, thus I'll either drop them or file a complaint.

Before my CRPS was diagnosed i was too scared to stand up to doctors. The pain made me SO DESPERATE i was willing to deal with anything. Now that i have this new undiagnosed illness i realized my body and mind PHYSICALLY cannot do that anymore.

The second to last time i didn't stand up for myself with a doctor i punched the medical bed as soon as she left the room, the last time i couldn't even hear what he said because i was busy restraining myself from punching HIM. i was seeing red, face twitching and everything. My body literally cannot take being quiet anymore. I do not care if i make things more difficult. I don't care if it takes longer to get diagnosed because im pushing for better treatment. I would rather stand up for myself and physically suffer more than let these doctors believe they are allowed to treat me like a dog. They don't treat me like a HUMAN, they don't see us as HUMAN. They see us as pests. A burden, a problem to solve. And if they can't solve you THEY FUCKING HATE YOU. but i think i hate them more.

Doctors are in a gross position of power over their patients, they decide if you live or die, your existence is in their hands, you beg them for help because they are your God and they spit in your face. Even if you literally cry and beg them to help they will give you NOTHING and i know this because thats what i did. I literally BEGGED these people sobbing to help my pain and they did nothing. They do not care about you. They never will. We are not people to them. Nurses are often the same way. I've had nurses and doctors lie straight to my face, make faces when i tell them my story, and do other horrible things.

I can't do it. I can't deal with it anymore. I will fight tooth and nail and be the biggest Karen in existence to these doctors the SECOND they treat me wrong.

I have found two. TWO doctors out of over 50 that i actually like. 2 that treat me appropriately and not like im a bug. 2 that treat me like a human being.

[tometen]

sketchie of... a vashie for after eden by @noaafishfieldguide

[bones-and-earth]

To ignorant fucking doctors/psychiatrist /therapist:

thanks for:

- Assuming/insinuating that I am semiverbal and slowly losing whatever ability to have to speak from pain ON PURPOSE.

-Assuming that I am over reacting by using a mobility aid- because I'm in so much pain. (I can barely fucking stand let alone walk at all. I am shaking so severely that it hurts to even use a Cane )

-Assuming after displaying obvious traits of autism, and being disabled mentally to the point it not only impedes my speech but my ability to socialize and work- that I was not only delusional from my BPD but also a hypochondriac and liar looking for attention. And seemingly thinking I am less likely to be autistic because I'm AFAB and got good grades.

-Assuming when I was literally sobbing from migraines since age 6 that I was a hypochondriac (later diagnosed with chronic tension migraines)

-THANK YOU for not realizing that ptsd and c-ptsd was a actual diagnosis and asked me to define the diagnosis and list its symptoms. (Literally asked me: "What is post traumatic stress disorder?" Apparently he never even heard of it despite being a psychiatrist)

-Assuming I've gone to inpatient so many times because he assumed I "refused to take any medications in the past 3 years." (Which is a actual blatant lie )

-saying I can not use my aac despite me having mentioned my speech loss episodes.

-dismissing all my experiences and thoughts on my own mental health as delusions because at the time I had a diagnosis of schizophrenia.

-telling me it was my fault I was being verbally and mentally abused because I was "ungrateful despite living under her [the abusive family member] roof."

This all actually happened!!

I understand doctors are human and not perfect but at bare minimum actually listen.

So to all the medical professionals: stop dismissing patients, assuming things about them and actually listen.

And to anyone who has experienced this or similar situations I'm sorry.

(Just to clarify for those who can not easily read tone - the thank you is heavily sarcastic in this post. I am quite frustrated.)

[talkethtothehandeth]

“Doctor shopping.” Let’s talk about her.

If you’re disabled you’ve probably heard of this before— if you haven’t, or you’re just unfamiliar in general, or an ableist who says this shit, let’s talk about it <3 because the definition has been overtaken and pissed on by more ableist bitches than the ones who demonized addiction within the medical field and caused this term to exist.

So, “doctor shopping” is actually originated from the people who oversee healthcare, which includes any non medical professionals who are involved in the process as well, like big pharma. It’s been defined (in medical related research journals, not just on social media/ the internet), as “a patient consultation with multiple physicians in a short time frame with the explicit intent to deceive them in order to obtain controlled substances.”

However, you hear in the community, from ableist ableds or even ableist disabled people who are like fucking rabid and frothing at the mouth, gnashing their teeth while flipping over the tiniest of pebbles to find “fakers”, (which is usually an AFAB person with multiple conditions that are followed by a slew of symptoms ranging in prevalence and severity, or someone that doesn’t “seem disabled” who becomes a target). So they call it “doctor shopping” when they see chronically ill or disabled people continue to advocate for themselves by going to countless appointments to try to find out what is causing their health to decline. They (ableists) think that by changing providers or continuing to pursue a diagnosis between multiple providers constitutes doctor shopping. It isn’t our desire, and it’s absolutely exhausting and painful when you’re left with no answers.

If I had not gone to the ER multiple times within two months, I would have died. The fluids kept me alive, and the medicine helped. My mom was preparing my dad for my death, and my fiancée was petrified of losing me because my condition continued to declined. But the entire time I was there, I was terrified of asking for medicine because I didn’t want to be labeled a drug seeker, especially because I’ve been open (for my safety) about using marijuana products. I was crying from how bad it was, my blood pressure was in stage two hypertension from the stress on my body.

They said it was, “nothing to worry about” when I saw my nutrition levels were low. My doctor wants a comprehensive metabolic panel because it is something to worry about because my symptoms were severe. And I had to see another doctor, but that facility ignored me for two months while my pcp and I tried working it out with them. They fucked around with my health for two fucking months. So I had to find a different person, and when I went to her she ordered a procedure, which meant a different facility, which means, yet again a different provider. I even had to go to a different hospital at one point for more tests.

Believe me, we don’t want to go to all of these appointments or see all of these doctors because, half of the time, even though there is something wrong with us, they don’t listen. We don’t want to go back and forth and get more medical trauma just for fun or for a silly little made up diagnosis competition bullshit.

People don’t change their doctors because they want to collect diagnoses like Pokémon, people do it because they want to live comfortably, or at the very least suffer less by finding some sort of direction to move towards to better their own health. I was literally preparing to die from medical neglect, because I did my absolute best and still, to this day, don’t have answers. If I hadn’t sought out more providers, I probably wouldn’t have been able to write this post. I’d be dead already.

This desperate desire to cherry pick what someone shares on the internet about their health and literally fucking stalk people on their social media accounts while looking for any sign that someone could potentially be faking their symptoms is, unfortunately, accepted due to disabled people hating themselves, and ableds hating disabled people. It’s that simple, in my mind.

Other peoples’ bodies, disabilities or symptoms are none of your fucking business, and, yes, this includes the things we decide to share. Disabled people share what we want to, and we live in our bodies 24/7. And some of you really need to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up about how disabled people manage their health care.

I’m not saying there aren’t people who fake conditions, but I am saying that it’s far less than what you choose to believe. You say you want to protect “actually” disabled people by weeding out fakers, when all you’re doing is harming actually disabled people by playing Sick Olympics™️ and accusing them of faking when they’re just trying to seek out life saving treatment— which includes seeing multiple providers to dig deeper for a diagnosis, no matter how rare or outlandish you think it is. You don’t get a medal for harassing disabled people, you’re just a piece of shit.

[ironunderstands]

help I have been afflicted by Boothill brainrot time to share some shitty angst bulletpoints with the class (that I’ll probably turn into a fic later)

I don’t think I have to tag anything specific but be warned there’s probably something bad in here so if you understandably don’t wanna read that then scroll. Expect cyborg related angst (and minor spoilers)

Also I hc Boothill as nonbinary (using he/they and occasionally she) so if you’re wondering about the use of multiple pronouns that’s why, it’s not related to the angst, I just don’t want people to be confused.

-has a sensation of touch on the metal parts of his body, but it’s visibly muted compared to his skin and it drives them nuts

-despises hot/cold temperatures due to how they interact with the metal parts of their body, on especially hot days

-very vulnerable to hacking and it scares the shit out of him (thanks past obsession with Genji for giving me this one, the amount of “Sombra hacks Genji and he has a bad time” stuff I have read is unhealthy, even if she would only do it for the shits and giggles or a mission, a character losing control of their body is unfortunately very compelling please don’t cancel me)

-can’t remember their past life or how he died but still has nightmares of it

-phantom pain is a bitch and her name is Boothill

-won’t be seen as human by most people (even actual people write him this way which is a little weird to me, like I know the Robot/Human tag w Boothill serving as a Robot is probably just for reach, but like, he’s still human, he’s not a robot, he’s a cyborg, idk it’s just a pet peeve of mine)

-has to go to the scientist who made him to get “upgrades” (aka whatever they feel like fucking with this week) against their will

-he can’t remember his old life, but they can remember how their body felt back then and the cyborg one distinctly Doesn’t Feel The Same

-Boothill’s synesthesia beacon doesn’t just prevent Boothill from cursing, it prevents her from saying certain things entirely which makes it very hard for him to express his feelings

-charging induces sleep for them, something which Boothill tries to hide as it could be used against him

-debating between making Boothill unreasonable heavy (because metal) or unreasonably light (because high tech) both scenarios cause problems for him, feel free to torture yourself for as to why

-animals (especially dogs) don’t like them as Boothill doesn’t have as strong a scent nor the flesh of other humans which is why it’s hard for them to trust him, which sucks for Boothill because he loves animals

-doesn’t even know the planet they were originally from or how old he was when he died, Boothill doesn’t even know their birthday, so it ended up becoming the day he was brought back to life against his will

-gets called “it” by people who don’t like cyborgs or people that are non-organic/have nonorganic parts of their body/existence, I also share this for the trailblazer because of their dubious origins, I’d like to believe transphobia isn’t a thing in Star rail because it’s already tiring enough irl and there’s no proof for it unlike other real world problems, so the misgendering happens for other horrible reasons! Horrible reasons that are close to canon considering the whole organic/inorganic war thing depicted by the Sim Uni, I’d imagine a lot of people are still bitter about that (honestly I don’t know the details I was there for the jades) and/or ignorant enough to believe that only fleshy beings have a monopoly on personhood (it/its pronouns are cool but not on people who don’t want to use them!)

-constantly pushes the limits of their body (aka self destructive behavior), I doubt Boothill would be trying to hurt herself but it’s more of a “it will get fixed anyway” kinda thing, any injuries sustained still hurt like a bitch but Boothill forces himself to not care because well “it’s his job and he will get healed anyways” (also it’s implied from their LC that he’s a Galaxy ranger against his will from the whole “never living for themself again” thing, so Boothill probably has to get injured for the job and is just forced to grin and bear it

alright that’s all the angst my sleep deprived brain could cook up for now if I did something wrong or missed a tag pls tell me

[vulgarmaw]

No one probably cares, but I am so close to deadlifting double my weight that I can almost taste it. Tastes like burnt toast for some reason.

[aubeezz]

MMMM OC ANGST MMMMMMMMmMm 

[ndcultureis]

(medical trauma/neglect tw)

multi self diagnosed neurodivergent culture is

having symptoms thats harming you and your wellbeing, so you go to doctors believing that they and other medical providers can help you

but because you phrased words wrong, you’re always dismissed and told your exaggerating, you’re wrong, and/or you’re really just having a simpler condition.

this makes you avoid doctors because of the things listed and trying to figure out things by yourself and self dx

feeling so overwhelmed with the symptoms that you loom for somebody to talk to

repeat cyle

it’s an endless cycle & i just realized that I’ve been doing this for nearly all my life.

.

[barelyfunctioning-amber]

Just a note for now,

I'll be avoiding talking about my symptoms to my family from now on because I'm terrified of being sent to a psych institution and getting more trauma again.

They think most of my symptoms are mental. They think my misdiagnosis was *right*.

I'm losing my mind in a depressive episode right now.

Funnily enough my mental illness causes a smaller precentage of physical symptoms. Most of my symptoms are physical disability related, or autism related.

All this is causing too much stress for me.

-Amber (any pronouns)

[loopspoop]

Finally back from the prisons of writers block, illness, and college with Chapter 11! I think it’s good but better things are to come!

TW: flashbacks, trauma, medical trauma, nightmares

About a week later, Jigen sat on the couch downstairs watching the late night news. They hadn’t rigged the TV set to get every channel worldwide like they had at other hideouts, but it was nice to smoke and listen to some French guy ramble on about grape crops when he couldn’t sleep. Maybe the events of the past few weeks were more taxing on his insomnia than he would care to admit, but he wouldn’t keep the others from sleeping just because he couldn’t. He was honestly glad they were sleeping, especially since Lupin had been a bit restless lately. Maybe it was because they were weening him off his pain meds? Either way, the gunman was happy everyone was resting, even if he wasn’t.

He had gotten halfway into a doze when a shriek sent him bolting into a seated position. What the fresh hell was that-? Another blood curdling scream made his hair stand on end. That was Lupin screaming. Lupin was screaming. Shit, shit, shit! Jigen quickly stubbed his cigarette in the ashtray, taking the stairs two at a time as he hauled ass to Lupin’s bedroom door. He met a frazzled looking Zenigata and an extremely spooked Fujiko at the door, Lupin’s shrieking picking up in pitch and volume as Goemon threw the door open frantically.

“He just began to scream I don’t- I don’t understand!” Goemon bit his lip, quickly going back to Lupin’s side

Jigen followed quickly. “Is he dreamin’-?”

“He was. Then he just started to scream like this and I can’t calm him!” Goemon frowned, trying to soothe the screaming thief.

Lupin sat in the bed, eye wide as he clutched at his head and screamed. Nothing appeared wrong outwardly, but that didn’t mean that there wasn’t some internal issue. For all they knew he could be bleeding inside or a piece of his cybernetics broke off and was bouncing around against his brain or something!

“MY HEAD! MY HE-HEAD!!” Lupin wailed, tears streaming from his face as he trembled and grasped at the bandages around his eye. “STOP- .STOP IT! ITS B-BREAKING! STO-OP!” He choked out between ragged breaths and cries.

“Damnit, he’s having some sort of flashback!” Zenigata frowned, making sure there wasn’t anything remotely dangerous in the thief’s vicinity.

“What do we do-?” Fujiko frowned worriedly, trying to keep Lupin from pulling his bandages off or his cybernetics out.

“We need to remind him that it’s safe here! It’s just a memory!” Jigen frowned, making sure Lupin wouldn’t lash out and clock Fujiko in the face.

“LET ME GO! GAH-!” Lupin cried out suddenly, back arching as he threw his head back and shrieked. “IT HURTS! STOP IT, PLE-PLEASE, STOP IT!”

Zenigata narrowed his eyes, quickly getting onto the bed behind Lupin before wrapping his arms around him. Restraint wasn’t exactly something to try on someone having a flashback, but if bought them some time to try to problem solve without Lupin lashing out at them by mistake. They needed something to ground him into reality.

“Find something to get him calm, quick!” Jigen ordered, looking around the room for anything to help.

“Here!” Fujiko quickly pulled one of Lupin’s watches out from the bedside table. “It’s the old one he broke!”

Of course! Lupin had a habit of rubbing the leather straps on the watches he owned until they wore down enough to break. They just had to use that to ground him! Zenigata quickly took the thief’s hand, guiding his fingers to feel along the worn grooves in the watch’s band. Lupin struggled and cried out, hands shaking as they tried to fight against the inspectors bigger hands and firm grip.

“Lupin, breathe. You’re safe. You’re here with us. Nobody can hurt you here. Remember?” Fujiko frowned, gently rubbing his arm.

Lupin glanced across the room, gaze far away and clouded. Slowly, he began to move from face to face, struggling less as his screaming turned into gasps and sobs. He slowly dropped his hands, anxiously searching the room as he whined low on his throat. He was here with them…of course he was. How did he forget that? Where had he gone?

“There we go.” Jigen nodded, carefully sitting in front of him. “You with us?”

Lupin nodded weakly, body relaxing back into Zenigata quietly. The inspectors jacket provided a place to hide…and he was a lot warmer than the air in the bedroom.

“Are you hurting anywhere?” Goemon looked down at him worriedly, gently cupping his face.

Lupin bit his lip, eyes shifting anxiously as he pressed more against Zenigata. Hurt..he hurt. Was he hurt? Why was he hurting? Was the doctor around? The doctor-! He quickly tried to get at his bandages. His head- he had to see if his head was broken. He remembered it was broken. The sounds…the blood…he had to make sure!

“Lupin, easy.” Jigen took his hands, frowning. “Is your head hurtin’? Can you tell us what you’re feelin’?”

Lupin trembled, grasping at Jigen’s hands desperately as tears rolled down his cheek. “M-M skull, Ji-, he took my skull, it’s broken and-and-“

“Okay, okay, breathe.” Jigen nodded, squeezing his hands. “We’ll check, okay?”

“We’re all right here, Lupin.” Zenigata kept his arms securely around the thief’s middle. “Everything will be fine.”

“I’ll remove the bandages.” Goemon moved to his side, carefully undoing the bandages around the thief’s head.

Lupin whined, hands jerking slightly as he want to grab at his cybernetics. He had to know. He felt his bones shattering. The sound they made..he felt it across his body, the resounding crunching and crackling of broken fragments of his head. He felt Jigen lead his hands up to the damaged area. There wasn’t a hole…right..there wasn’t a hole there anymore. He was safe…no hole. His insides wouldn’t spill out of him…his head was okay now… it should be okay, despite the dull throbbing..all of that was in his mind. It wasn’t happening anymore. Why was this happening to him?

“See? Your head is okay.” Fujiko rubbed his shoulder gently. “Do you want some painkillers?”

Lupin nodded weakly, gaze drifting to the bed silently as he was given a fresh dose of the medication. Realistically, he knew that he would have setbacks based on what had happened. That didn’t really comfort him much when he was convinced someone had smashed his head open and he ended up having a major meltdown in front of everyone in the middle of the night. Somehow, the concern in their eyes hurt more than the residual pain from the flashbacks. He couldn’t shove this down anymore than he already was…he was broken and all the pain and trauma was dripping through the cracks for all of them to see. He wasn’t sure how much they knew or saw…how much they’d find out. He wasn’t sure he ever wanted them to know all of it.

He was selfish like that. He knew all of their deepest secrets, their fears, their pain. Goemon confiding in him how he ended up with that Momochi bastard, Jigen’s past with the Mafia, hell, even Fujiko and Zenigata had confided in him about their lives and traumas. Yet, he wanted nothing more than to sponge all of this away and bury it deep down somewhere where they would never find it or see it. It just wasn’t…him. And they knew that too. What if they realized how damaged he was and left? What then?

“Lupin? You still with us?” Fujiko frowned, waving a hand in front of his eyes cautiously.

“Mm? Yeah…yeah, I’m still with you..” Lupin nodded a bit, sighing. “Sorry, guess I’m just tired…”

“Go back to sleep, okay?” Zenigata squeezed him gently. “We’ll stay right here with you.” He assured

Jigen nodded, sitting at the end of the bed. “I’ve got my Magnum. Nobody’s gettin’ to you while we’re here.”

Goemon grunted, holding Zantetsuken firmly as he sat on Lupin’s other side. Fujiko kissed his cheek, stroking his hair gently as she smiled a little. Lupin smiled weakly, resting back against the inspector as he closed his eyes. The group exchanged looks, uncertainty mixing between them as they settled in for a night of watching over the man.

~~~~

The nightmares and flashbacks happened every night for the rest of that week. Lupin would wake up screaming and whoever was with him would have to try to calm him down. Bad nights took hours, good nights took minutes, but the guilt and adrenaline were taking its toll on the thief. He couldn’t keep waking everyone up, so he decided to just stop sleeping entirely for the time being, not that they needed to know that. It beat the constant torment his mind was putting him through and the guilt over exhaustion present in everyone around him. Despite that, they were finally letting him go places other than the bedroom or bathroom, which was a major plus. They were letting him get some fresh air and sun in the yard. It was weird to be outside after so long.

“No, I’m saying a garden would be a good idea.” Goemon cut some wood, glancing over at Jigen. “You have gardened before, yes?”

Jigen shrugged. “I mean, I know my way around diggin’ a hole. That’s enough, right?”

“…we can work on it.” Goemon nodded a bit, cutting more wood for a fence.

Lupin watched them quietly. It was nice to see them relaxing…it was such a nice day. He looked down at his feet in the grass. He could…feel it, through the dulled senses his pain meds allowed him, but it wasn’t as organic as it used to be. He glanced over at Fujiko, watching her hair move in the breeze. She was doing his nails, something about relaxing? He knew it was more about self confidence. Even with his sleep deprived brain, he could see their plans even if they didn’t want him to.

“Lupin? Are you doing alright?” Zenigata frowned, hovering a few inches away from his face. “You look tired.”

“Mm? I’m all good Pops.” Lupin flashed him a smile. “I don’t know what I’m going to do with all this attention~!” He teased

Zenigata blushed, huffing as he pulled his hat down. “Be quiet, I’m just checking on your condition…” he glanced away.

“I’m going to check your condition in a minute if you don’t stop making him move while I’m working.” Fujiko sassed, pouting a bit as she held Lupin’s hand firmly.

“I’d love if you checked my condition, Fujiko~” Lupin smiled, glancing at her as he winked.

“Be quiet, twink. Ask one of your boyfriends.” Fujiko rolled her eyes playfully, smiling a bit.

“Don’t rope us into it! We’re gardening!” Jigen called, pushing his sleeves up as he grabbed a shovel.

Lupin laughed, whistling at him as he watched him and Goemon work in the dirt and cut the wood, Zenigata trading Jigen’s shovel for a hoe. He was just…glad that they were here with him..even if he was broken and tired..they were staying. He sat back on his chair, closing his eyes as he felt the sun on his face and Fujiko’s hand on his. He just wanted to bask in this moment. Even if he felt like shit, exhausted and sore and paranoid…he would be okay in this one moment.

[turnallthemirrors]

they handcuffed me, put me in the back of a police car, and drove me to a hospital 2 hours away in the middle of the night without discussing it with me or any of my loved ones and I was too scared and sedated to protest but please, keep making the exact same joke about tumblr being an asylum, you're really funny and I hope you get a million notes forever

[detentiontrack]

what’s medical ptsd?

Medical PTSD is in the category of regular PTSD where one experiences something traumatic in the context of a medical situation. For me personally, I’ve been chronically ill since I was 10 and I had several medical procedures (some done well, some borderline malpractice) that have given me trauma.

[wishful-seeker]

Tw: death talk, traumatic medical procedure

I don't like that ketamine infusions make it hard to remember my bfs face during them. I do not like that at all.

I have to go through the most hellish fucking things sometimes

How do I even explain that to people

"So yeah I have such severe chronic pain that I actively choose to go through a procedure that makes me feel like im dying, for multiple days, every few months for the chance I get to leave bed and go outside."

"Yeah so it feels like im leaving my body and everything I ever knew on earth while I dissappear for an amount of time that is immeasurable and when I come back I don't remember what it feels like, so everytime I do It im not only going through it but actually reliving it like it's the first time because I always forget what it feels like, to almost literally, die."

"Yeah so I if I had to guess what happens to the brain while we are dying my guess would be what I experience during these infusions."

"I feel confident in saying I have gone through the closest thing to death without being literal death countless times."

I could go on.

Like yeah, when it's over, it's over, I move on, 2 months go by, I have a wonderful time, I can walk and stand and play video games everyday and I can write a little a draw a little and have a full life, and yes it's worth it, yes the pain is so bad I would do this as much as I had to, even if it was every day. And when I had to do it for 10 days I wasn't sure I'd make it out alive but I did, and it was so fucking worth it.

And each time I experience something beautiful as I die, I learn something new and very profound, something very valuable about myself.

But that doesn't mean it's not fucking horrible that I HAVE to do this to even use a computer at all or be in a wheelchair for a few more hours, it's fucking shitty that I have to pay an INSANE price for a life that isn't me being stuck in bed only being able to think and watch tv.

I have to DIE over and over and over again just to LIVE