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jessicaloons · 10 months

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Chapter 9:

And when we go crashing down we come back every time..

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TW: Eating disorder

Day 1:

Inhale. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Exhale. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

I felt the fresh morning air streaming in my lungs. Felt the first rays of sunshine warming my skin.

Silence. No traffic sounds. No humans chatting in the busy streets. No sound from construction sites. Silence. I straightened my back and sat up, spread my legs wide before I leaned forwards. Upper body touching the wooden planks of the porch. I could feel the stretch in my lower back, almost thought I would hear the creaking of the screws and iron plate. Then I got carefully up and leaned all to way to my left side, before I did the same on the right. Back up in my sitting position I closed my eyes again.

Inhale. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Exhale. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Starting over again.

Day 4:

"Come on, Liz! 5 more! 4, 3, 2, 1. And down." JK clapped when I slowly got up.

"I hate planks." I said and took the water bottle he offered me "What are we having today?" I took a sip and scrunched up my nose.

"Ginger, lime, mint. Good for the digestive system and also good for stress relief." he answered and I drank some more.

"Ugh, I hate ginger and mint is also not a favourite…" I mumbled and JK rolled his eyes.

"It’s good for you. Period. Get down, your 60 seconds break is over in 3, 2, 1 and plank…" god how I hated him at times, why was he always this freaking positive and cheerful.

Day 7:

"Liz, the race starts in 49 minutes, so if you want to watch it, hurry up." JK shouts from the pier and I try my best to finish the next 12 lengths in time for the race start. As I looked up after some time he waved me to him and I swam as fast as possible.

"Here, 22 minutes left!" he said as he helped me out of the lake and wrapped me in a big towel "Come on, hot tea and lunch are waiting." we make our way up to the cabin. What took me a week ago 9 minutes with crutches now only took me 5, still with crutches but the process was there.

Back in the cabin I made my way into the bathroom, but failed to open up the zipper from the wetsuit.

"JK, can you help me for a second?" I shouted and I heard his steps coming closer "Come in, can you open up the zipper please? My fingers are a little numb…" he pulled the zipper all the way down and turned to leave "My hero.” I chuckled.

"Everything for you, princess." he said obnoxiously sweet and we laughed.

"Get your ass ready, the race starts in a couple of minutes!" he chuckled and left the bathroom.

I watched as the camera panned onto Charles, congratulating Max, then Valtteri, then Lewis. He wasn’t happy, the moment he got out of the car, I could tell by the way he was walking that he wasn’t anywhere near satisfied.

"Hey Charlie, good race!" I said as his face appeared on my phone 4 hours later, he looks exhausted, unsatisfied, but also a little sad "What’s going on? Why that face? I know P4 is nothing we celebrate really. But come on! With that car?"

"I still want to win, no matter how shit the car is! Did you see Sainz? He was leading with a fucking McLaren!" Charles sighed and I wished for nothing more than to be able to hug him. "He’s my teammate next year and there are already so many articles out there! That he will be dominating me, he will give me a run for my money! What does that even mean?"

"It means they’re all idiots! Don’t listen to the media! Just do your races and don’t care what others have to say!" I tried to cheer him up.

"Yeah, you’re right! So tell me, how was the first week?" he changed the topic and I understood that he didn’t want to talk longer about the race. So I started to tell him about my recovery, what progress I made already in one week and soon after we were talking about random stuff none of us would know the next day anything about anymore. But just us talking felt better than anything else in the world.

Day 14:

"Hey Seb!" I exclaimed as he opened the back door for me.

"Lizzie! It’s so good to see you!" he said and pulled me carefully in his arms "How are you? How’s the recovery going?"

"It’s good to be back at the racetrack! And it’s going great. JK is literally my saviour! Oh here… Seb this is JK, my physio therapist." I introduced them and they shook hands "Does he know I’m coming?"

"Nope, all top secret. I hope there was no problem at the entrance?" Seb answered and I smiled "You’re a bit late. I hope he’s not in the car already! I told Sylvia to tell them to wait but with her you never know."

"We were sent to a different entrance because the one you told us was apparently only for staff." I said and he just scoffed.

"That’s why I told Syl-… never mind, come in now!" he ushered us through the garage as someone called him out.

"Seb! You need to get in the car! Now! You’re the last driver!"

"Shit! I’m sorry Lizzie! But I’ll tell him that you’re here before I get in my car!" Seb apologised and I just laughed.

"That’s ok! And now run!" I ushered him away as one of the Ferrari staff members brought us to our places and handed us both our headsets.

"It’s really cool to have you here, Lizzie!" the guy said and walked away smiling.

I watched how Seb jumped through the opening in the fence and ran straight to Charles' car, he leaned down and waved in my direction, Charles' head turned faster than the speed of light and I waved at him.

"Lizzie? Oh my god! What are you doing here?" Joris almost shouted and I turned in his direction.

"I wanted to surprise Charles, I was just a little late." I answered and Joris hugged me.

"If he wins today, it’s because of you for sure!" he laughed and I just grinned.

P3. Gino tapped on my shoulder and I looked up at him and he gently side hugged me.

"Ciao bella! Come on Lizzie, let’s go to the barriers! I’ll make sure that no one comes too close to you!" he said and I nodded, then I looked at JK.

"Go! But be careful!" he said and I chuckled.

"Yes, Dad!"

He jumped out of his car and as he was on his way to his team he stopped abruptly when he saw me, he pulled his helmet off and ran straight up to me before he scooped me up in his arms.

"Hey, ma belle!" he whispered and I giggled like a little kid.

"Put me down, Charles!" I laughed and he set me down "Congrats, Charlie bear!"

"Thanks. It seems like you’re my lucky charm, you should stick around!" he said and I blushed "What are you doing here?"

"You looked so sad last Sunday, I don’t know, something was off, I wanted to surprise you and asked Seb for help." I whispered and looked down, he tucked a loose strand of my hair behind my ear and embraced me again.

"I’m so happy that you’re here, ma belle!" he whispered and then he sighed happily.

"Charles, your team is waiting. And your interview. And your weighing! Come on!" I laughed and he let go of me, although reluctantly.

Day 15:

"It’s so peaceful!" Charles said and inhaled deeply as we sat on the porch, watching the sunrise, as we arrived just in time "I’m glad that I decided to join you for some days!"

"Me too, Charlie, me too." I whispered, suppressing a yawn and resting my head on his shoulder.

"Let’s get you to bed, ma belle!" he said but I shook my head, as the first sunbeams of the day were gently kissing my face.

"Just a couple more minutes, this is nice…" I pleaded and Charles sighed.

"Yeah, it really is!" he answered and gently leaned his head on mine.

I opened my eyes and realised I was laying in the bed of my bedroom. I slowly got up. Out of bed, walking out the room. On the sofa sitting were Charles, reading a book and JK sketching something in his mysterious book.

"Boys." I said and they flinched.

"You’re up." Charles patted the sofa next to him and I sat down.

"Barely." I yawned and closed my eyes again, leaning my head on his shoulder.

"Then why did you get up?"he asked and JK chuckled.

"You’re leaving on Wednesday, I don’t want to sleep through most of it!" I whispered and Charles put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his side.

"Ma belle, it’s not even 12… and I’ll leave on Wednesday in the evening. We have enough time." he answered and I nodded.

"I’d say let’s have a nice little walk? And later on, we’re having a little cheat day? You wanted to use the pizza oven outside, Liz?" JK clapped his hands together and got up "I prepared some dough and we’ve got a lot of that good marinara sauce you loved so much! On our way back we’ll pick up the groceries in the store and then it’s pizza night!"

"Sounds like a plan!" Charles nudged my shoulder and I sighed "Come on! Show me how beautiful it is here!"

"I’ll fire up the oven, you guys prepare the toppings!" JK commands and Charles and I nod.

"So, we have mushrooms, bell pepper, pepperoni, salami, ham and look at that cheese!" I said as Charles washed his hands and grabbed some bowls, cutting boards and knives. As I washed my hands Charles was already munching on the first slice of ham "Charles!"

"I have to check the quality of the product! And if it’s still good! I don’t want you to get a food poisoning!" he shrugged and I laughed.

"And you’re trying the ham then for what?" I raised an eyebrow.

"I’m getting to the veggies, don’t worry! But what about JK and myself? Our safety doesn’t mean anything to you?" he asked, acting shocked.

"I’m sorry! You’re absolutely right!" I laughed.

"Thank you, ma belle! I guess it’s safe to say that ham is all good!" he said and put the ham slices in one of the bowls "Next salami!"

I laughed and began cutting the veggies, throwing them in different bowls.

"How are we doing, guys?" JK walked back in the kitchen, checking the bowls "The fire is burning quite nicely, dough is ready. I’d say, another, maybe 30 minutes and we can throw some pizzas in there!"

"Alright, here, Charles, put all the bowls on the tray, I’ll grab the sauce and something to drink, JK, can you grab plates and glasses? Oh and a spoon or whatever for the sauce!" I said and walked over to the fridge, grabbing some of JKs homemade lemonade and the sauce.

Outside Charles and I set the table, lighting some candles and JK took care of the fire. I sat down and watched as the last rays of sunshine coloured the sky in all shades of orange, red and pink. I shivered a little and pulled my knees up to my chin and wrapped my arms around them, watching as the sun slowly disappeared behind the mountain tops.

"Here." Charles stood next to me with one of his hoodies and helped me into it "Better?"

"Better!" I smiled at him and as his scent engulfed me, I blushed a little.

"Alright guys! It’s pizza time!" JK exclaimed and Charles held out his hand and helped me up.

We each made a pizza with the toppings of our choices and JK professionally shoved them into the pizza oven with the shovel. After a minute the air was filled with the mouthwatering smell of our pizza’s. JK turned them to make sure they bake evenly.

"It smells delicious!" I said and Charles nodded in agreement.

"Now it only has to taste like it smells!" JK laughed and checked on the pizza "I’d say they’re done!"

"Pizza time!" I clapped as Charles held out the plates and JK put the pizzas on. He then sat the plate with my pizza in front of me and plopped down next to me on the bench.

"They look amazing!" Charles said and filled our glasses with lemonade, then he held his up and JK and I did the same and we toasted them together "Cheers!"

The first bite of the pizza was heavenly and I groaned.

"After weeks and weeks of Buddha bowls and wholewheat pasta and protein stuff, this pizza is the best thing I ever ate in my life!" I said and Charles and JK laughed "I’m serious!"

"It’s definitely far up, that’s for sure!" Charles laughed and JK nodded.

For the next few minutes we ate and talked about everything from racing to traveling. Indulging into our cheat meal, after a while the conversation died down and a content silence fell over us. I saw in the corner of my eyes how Charles and JK glanced over at my plate and I heard JK sighing when he realised I only ate 2 slices of my pizza, but he didn’t say anything.

"I’ll bring the stuff in and head to bed. I’ll have an early FaceTime session in the morning! Don’t stay up too late, kids!" JK got up and put the box with the dough and his plate on the tray, then gestured to my plate and me like he wanted me to eat more then he walked inside.

I sighed and played with another slice of my pizza.

"I thought it’s the best thing you ate in your life?" Charles asked and I looked at him confused "Doesn’t look like it."

"I’m just not that hungry…" I answered and shrugged my shoulders but Charles looked at me for a while.

"You’re okay, right?" he almost whispered it and I looked up "You would tell me if there’s something wrong?" I nodded.

"It’s just, all of these super foods and nutrient boasted stuff I’m eating right now because of JK is a lot! I know it’s healthy and it’s a good fullness but I feel bloated sometimes! I swear!" I laughed and tried to convince Charles and he eyed me questioningly for a moment but then nodded.

"But come on! Eat at least another slice of pizza! It’s seriously one of the best I’ve ever had!" he said and I smiled and bit into the slice.

"Damn! I wished we had some pineapple." I said and Charles' face scrunched up in disgust.

"Please, please, tell me you’re joking! Ma belle! Since when do you eat that!" he sounds disappointed.

"Oh relax, I was just kidding." I laughed.

"Good! I was thinking there’s something wrong with your brain!" he said but as soon as the words left his mouth he looked at me horrified "Oh god! Lizzie, I’m so sorry! I wasn’t thinking! I’m so, so sorry! Fuck! I am stupid! Ma belle, please believe me…" he began but I only shook my head laughing.

"Stop! Charles, it’s alright! I know you didn’t mean it!" I said but he still looked beyond shocked. I turned to him and grabbed his hand "Hey! Come on! It’s really okay! I know you didn’t mean it in any bad way!"

"I wasn’t thinking! But still, I shouldn’t have said that! I’m so sorry!" he looked down at our hands and sighed.

"Charlie, can you please look at me?" I say quietly but he didn’t move so I laid my hand on his cheek and turned his face towards me "Hi… please, listen to me when I say that it is okay! Really!" he leaned in closer, our foreheads resting against each other and he inhaled deeply.

"Still, I’m sorry ma belle!" he whispered and I only nod slightly, sitting back up "I didn’t think… it’s just a saying and…"

"Shhh… stop, please!" I put my finger on his lips to silence him "Stop apologising. It’s fine. I’m fine. Okay?" he nods slowly and I look up at him, right hand still on his cheek, left index finger on his lips. This close I could see all the tiny freckles on Charles nose, his thick, long lashes framing his eyes, eyes so beautiful I could get lost in them, over and over again. He looked deep in my eyes, one hand at my hip, the other covering mine on his cheek. Charles closed his eyes and swallowed hard, as he opened them he leaned in even closer.

"Good night guys." JK’s voice made us both flinch and pull away from each other.

Charles cleared his throat and ruffled his hair and my breathing was erratic. What just happened?

"It’s getting late? I think I’ll take a long shower and then go to bed!" I said and faked a yawn and Charles nodded.

"Yeah, you go showering, I’ll take care of the dishes!" Charles got up and grabbed our plates and glasses and then walked away, but then he turned around "I’ll put your pizza in the fridge!" then he left.

I took a deep breath and walked inside, straight into the bathroom. I looked into the mirror, shaking my head. Nothing happened. It was just a vulnerable moment because he was scared he hurt me. All good. Right?

Day 16:

After a good swim in the lake, we walked back up and I almost slipped, but JK thankfully caught me and we laughed. He held me close to him, just to annoy me but I laughed it off, shaking my head. Back at the house after taking my shoes off he pulled the zipper of my wetsuit down and I walked straight into my room. Getting out of the wetsuit I noticed a little bruise on my spine and called for JK, I put a towel on my front and waited for him.

"Is that from the black roll?" I asked as soon as he walked in and looked at me confused "That bruise above my ass!" he looked down and gently stroked over it.

"Does it hurt?" he asked and applied a little pressure but I shook my head "Now?" he rubbed a little stronger and I nodded "Alright. Seems like you’re making something wrong here… we’ll have a look tomorrow when we’re using it again." he said and I nodded "And now take a shower, you’re shivering!" and he left.

Day 17:

"I don’t want you to go!" I whispered as Charles hugged me tight.

"The season is almost over and then we’ll see each other way more! I promise!" he said and I smiled "I’ll text you as soon as I’m in Maranello!" he kissed my forehead, then he shook JKs hand and got in his car.

"I see you in a bit, ma belle!" Charles smiled.

"Bye, Charlie bear and please drive carefully!" I said and he nodded, then he drove off and JK pushed me back in as it slightly started to rain.

"Alright, Liz. Some light stretching and maybe a bit of cardio?" he suggested and I nodded.

"Let’s go!"

Day 21:

"Liz? Liz? Are you still sleeping? Liz?" the door opened slowly and JK poked through the crack "Liz? Are you awake? Come on. 4:00! We gotta get going if we want to see the sunrise!"

I didn’t move. I didn’t flinch. I only groaned and blinked rapidly. Trying to at least make something in my body move, but to no avail. JK realised that something was off and came to my side, kneeled down and switched on the lamp on the nightstand.

"Liz? Can you hear me?" he asked and I nodded slightly. Trying to even out my breathing "Lizzie? What is happening? What was that?"

"Give me a minute…" my voice was hoarse and my throat was dry. He got up and came a moment later back with a glass of water and helped me to gulp it down "Thanks."

He helped me sit up slowly and waited for me to start talking whenever I was ready.

"After I woke up from the coma, it was maybe a week later? I fell asleep, but then I woke up… and it felt like… I couldn’t move. Nothing reacted. Not even wiggling my toes. But I was awake. I looked around, but I couldn’t move. I panicked, I thought that the last week where I was awake was just a dream and I was still in the coma, like I never woke up from it and I could feel how breathing became harder and harder. I could hear these voices laughing that they would pull the plug on me. There were these shadows kind of lurking over me and I was so freaking scared. And it all felt just like it did when I really was in a coma, so yeah… I thought I’m still not awake. So I tried to thrash around the bed, but to no avail. I don’t know how long it went on like this but I woke up the next morning, feeling like shit. Muscles sore and tense, tired and exhausted. And with a headache I never had before… after that it happened more often… just like in Monaco whenever… whenever… yeah well I googled a little and I’m pretty sure it’s sleep…" I explained to JK.

"Sleep paralysis." he said it at the same time as me and looked up in horror "Please tell me you’ve told the doctors about it?" and as I shook my head slightly he pushed himself of the ground "Lizzie! For fucks sake!"

"I told Dr. Friese that I felt tense and had strong headaches. I didn’t told him the rest. How could I?" I said and JK sat down next to me.

"You said, you heard someone saying they would pull the plug on you… but you’re not supposed to know about that?" he looked at me with big eyes and I gulped.

"I was kind of awake. Sometimes I could hear the people talk, open my eyes a little crack…" I whispered and tears were streaming down my face. JK pulled me into him and rubbed my back soothingly "I didn’t tell anyone, because mum and dad already felt guilty enough that they decided to let them pull the plug on me. If they knew that I knew about it? That I heard it? That I was kinda awake the whole time? JK they would never forgive themselves!" I sobbed out and he just held me close.

"It’s going to be okay, you hear me Liz?" he said and I nodded "We might need to slow down a little. Focus more on your mental health at this point… don’t look at me like that. You’re doing great, physically! We’re far more ahead in your recovery than I thought we would be! So we can slow down a little. And I think it’s important to find you the right help… because what you went through, what you’re still going through is something I can’t help you with. So we will look for help." I sighed but nodded.

"I just don’t want anyone to find out. About everything! The coma, the sleep paralysis, the…" I stopped and JK only nodded.

"I know, Liz, and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who noticed it." he said and I looked at him confused "You have an eating disorder. Don’t deny it. I’ve seen you. What you’re eating is not enough. And what you’re eating is pretty often exiting your body the way it entered. I’ve heard it."

"It’s just the stress. And I’m just not hungry anymore. Dr. Friese said it could be the trauma, the meds and stuff." I looked down at my hands.

"Yeah, that’s normal for the first 3-4 weeks. And not 3 months later. I’m sorry for being so blunt. But sometimes you need nothing more than someone being straight up with you! We will tackle that as well!" JK said it gently and I only nodded "For now, let’s get back to bed and sleep as long as you need."

I laid back down and he tucked me in, then he squeezed my hand and left. I fell asleep almost immediately

Day 25:

Another day without any message or call from Charles. Since he left a week ago I received barely any messages from him, one that he arrived safely in Maranello and had a lot going on the next day, but he said he would call in the evening, he didn’t, I asked why he didn’t call, no reply, one day later a message that he arrived in Monaco and yesterday that he’s now in Turkey. But that was it. No small talk, no jokes, no nothing. And when I tried to call him, he didn’t pick up. Maybe because of what happened, no what almost happened, he felt guilty? He had Camille after all. Maybe I should accept that she was right from the beginning, Charles’ full focus should be on her, as she was his girlfriend. Not me. Maybe I had to…

"Hello Lizzie, my name is Dr. Lindner, I’ve talked a lot about you with JK… so why don’t we start with you telling me everything that happened from let’s say the start of this year." Dr. Christian Lindner, therapist specialised in stress and trauma sequelae, was the one therapist that stood out for JK and would be the one I should confide in. He seemed to be a really nice guy, still I felt a little awkward sitting here and telling him about what happened.

"Even before the accident?" I asked and he nodded.

"Everything that changed from this year to last year. Family, friends, job. I want to know everything." he smiled encouragingly and I took a deep breath.

"Alright, good for you that we’re paying you hourly…" I joked and he laughed.

"Why do you think I chose this profession in the first place?" he countered and I laughed. Maybe this could work. He was funny.

"The year started, well not so good…" I began to tell him everything, Charles and Camille, Camille and her friends hating me, the cancellation of the WSeries for this year, me gaining some weight and Camille's comments, me trying to eat less to nothing to lose the weight again, overdoing it a little, the accident, being kind of awake, the video, me wishing I had died that day, the recovery, the sleep paralysis, Charles not talking to me anymore. As I looked up at him he smiled and handed me a box of tissues, somewhere along the way I had started to cry, I didn’t even feel it.

"Thank you Lizzie, for being this open and honest with me!" he said after he gave me a minute to gather myself.

"I swear I didn’t expect to let this all out! I’m so sorry!" I said a little embarrassed but he shook his head.

"No! Don’t apologise! This was exactly what I needed from you! It’s normal that once the floodgates are open everything comes out. That’s a good thing! This way I’ll be able to help you better. Because although your life… well I’m not one to sugarcoat things, there’s a lot of shit going on. And a lot of shit that you need help with to cope with. And that’s why I’m here. We will tackle every obstacle on its own. Step by step. I’m not setting a timeframe, we will be done when we will be done. But for now I think the most urgent matters are your anxiety, the eating disorder and your obvious feelings for Charles Leclerc." he said and I nodded but then I realised what he said at last "I’m not just a funny guy, Lizzie, this is my job. So… you and Charles and Camille? That’s also one of the main topics we’re starting with!" I nodded slowly.

Was this something I wanted to talk about every other day? No. Was this something I wanted to think about all the time? No. Will talking about it help me? Probably.

"Yay… I can’t wait…" I said sarcastically and Dr. Lindner just laughed.

"No one said that it’s going to be easy or that you would like it!" he chuckled and I just rolled my eyes "You built walls around you and I’m here to wreck them down… but don’t worry, I will stand with you on the rubble and sing “I’ve been looking for freedom”." And that made me laugh again "So, why do you think he ghosted you? Is it even ghosting when he texts you?"

"3 messages! Just to tell me that he arrived at his planned destinations! It’s just because we almost… we almost…" I sighed and shook my head "We almost kissed I think…"

"You think?" Dr. Lindner asked and I just nodded "And that’s a bad thing because? Let’s forget about Camille for a second. It’s just you and Charles."

"Just because I have these feelings, doesn’t mean he has them. And what about our friendship? I can’t live without him in my life. That’s just not possible! But what if I lose him because he doesn’t feel the same?" I said and leaned back on the sofa, hands covering my face.

"So it’s more the fear of losing him, that makes you feel like this? Not the fact that he has a girlfriend, that is not you?" he pressed and I sighed.

"Yeah, I don’t know. Both I guess?" I mumbled and he nodded.

"Alright, that’s something we can work with." he scribbled something down in his notebook and sat up a little straighter "And your anxiety and trouble with eating comes from, let me guess, Camille?" I only nodded "Yeah, that fits the pattern. It’s your own insecurities and feelings that are getting in your way. And with whatever she’s saying to you, she’s playing right into it."

"But can we fix that?" I asked quietly and Dr. Lindner nodded.

"Yes, we can. And we will. For today, I’d say it’s enough. I work out a therapy plan and I talked to JK already. He will help you with your eating. We’ll get there. Don’t worry." He got up and I did as well "I’ll see you on Monday! Goodbye!"

"Thank you, for the talk. Have a nice weekend!" I said and he smiled, before he left.

"How do you feel?" JK asked as he walked in and I sat down again.

"Better. Maybe this will work out." I answered and he nodded.

"It will." he said and I smiled a little.

"Yeah, I think so too."

Day 28:

P4. No call. No FaceTime. No message. Only pictures of him and Camille in the paddock. I texted him after the race that it was a good one and it almost was a podium. No response. JK sensed that something was off but didn’t push me to talk to him. I ate, went to bed and fought the tears. To no avail. I cried. A lot. Why did he ignore me? Was it really because of what happened? I called him, for the hundredth time and finally he picked up.

"Charles? Hi!" I began.

"Hi. This is Charles. Leave a message and I’ll call back." Voicemail.

I wanted to hang up. But all the frustration and sadness erupted and I let it all out.

"Charles… I-I don’t know what I’ve done that you’re so mad at me! I don’t know why you suddenly don’t call or text back anymore! I just… I’m sorry for what happened. Well almost happened! But it’s unfair to just cut me- I just miss you. Okay? Please just text me back! Tell me how to fix this! Tell me what I can do to fix us! Please, Charles! Please don’t leave me!" I sobbed into the phone desperately and as the announcement came, if I wanted to keep the message or delete it and re-record it, I deleted it and hung up. Then I cried myself to sleep.

Day 35:

One week of daily therapy sessions.

One week of daily meditation sessions.

One week of daily cooking classes.

One week of daily desperately checking my phone, with nothing from Charles.

One week of daily stupid jokes from JK to cheer me up.

Sleep. Eat. Therapy. Meditation. Repeat.

Day 36:

I sat buried under a ton of blankets on the sofa. Tear stained face. Headache.

"Hey princess. I thought we would go for a little walk?" JK asked as he walked in and looked around the room "Liz?" he was about to leave as he heard the rustling "Are you under there?"

"Yup." I mumbled and sat up.

"Okay. Not concerning at all. Come on. We’re going for a walk." he said and pulled me up.

"I don’t want to. I can walk just fine" I grumbled but he just grabbed my shoulders and turned me around, pushing me towards the door.

"Well, it could be better. You still need every couple of minutes a break and your legs are sore in the evening. So come on. Let’s go." he stood at the door and put his shoes on before he nudged me a little to do the same.

"Fine! Can’t be that bad." It wasn’t fine. And it was that bad. Not even halfway through I twisted my ankle a little and we had to head back home, where JK helped me on the sofa, left to get the first aid kit and then took my shoe off and checked my ankle. He was gentle and the pain wasn’t too bad, still I couldn’t help myself but tears were streaming down my face. JK looked up as I sobbed and gently pulled me into his arms. I don’t know how long we sat like this. But after a while, when no more tears were left to cry I sat up and looked up at JK. He smiled down at me and wiped the tears from my face with his thumbs. He was always so caring for me. Cheering me up. Supported me through this time. Always trying to make me feel better. I leaned in and kissed him, almost. JK pulled back and I blushed. I was shell shocked and scrambled off of the sofa, trying to walk away as fast as possible but my ankle gave in and I almost fell, JK catching me, like always.

"Lizzie, hey, look at me." he said and I shook my head.

"I’m fine, please let me go." I tried to pull away but JK didn’t budge.

"Lizzie, can we talk about this like adults?"

"No, JK. I’m sorry. I’m just- please let me go…" I whispered and the tears were back. JK gently pushed me down on the sofa and sat next to me.

"Look at me, please Lizzie." he said and I took a deep breath, before glancing up a little "It’s okay. Something like this happens quite often… it’s just normal. You’re vulnerable right now. You’ve been through a lot and usually Charles would be the one you feel attached to, because he is the one always by your side. But now it’s me. You see me as the one constant in your life right now. Like an anchor. So you’re transferring your feelings from the one you really love onto the one who gives you stability and safety at the moment. And that is me. But it’s not real feelings. Okay? It's okay. Nothing happened, it’s all good between us." he said it so gently that I swallowed hard and looked up.

"Charles and I almost kissed when he was here and now he’s ghosting me. What if… what if it’s the same with you?" I whispered and JK sighed.

"It’s not because of that, Liz." JK said and I was confused "I told him to lay a bit low for a while."

"What? Why would you do that?" I was furious and got up "You saw how hurt I was the past two and a half weeks because of that? And you didn’t say anything? Why?"

"Because first of all you had to start focusing on yourself! And not on Charles! Lizzie you were constantly checking in on him, whenever he was down, you were down and unmotivated. Your recovery was, is, more important right now and you should finally see that! And secondly, I needed you to finally face the truth that you are in love with Charles! You had to finally see that this denial is only making anything worse for you. You had to be honest to yourself and I had to trigger that. And look at that. You’re finally open up, finally be true to yourself and admit that you’re not fucking ok. So yes. Scream and shout and fight with me all you want. But you’re finally able to talk about your emotions instead of locking them inside, building walls that are higher than the fucking Sky Tower!" he was breathing heavily and I stood there contemplating what he just said. I closed my eyes and slowly sat down again. He hesitantly did the same and I looked at him for a second. Then I leaned back and laid my leg on his thighs.

"Is it sprained?" I asked and JK looked at me for a moment before he checked my ankle again "And what the fuck is the Sky Tower?" JK laughed.

"What?" he asked and took one of the bandages out.

"You said I build walls higher than the Sky Tower…" I answered and hissed a little when he secured the bandage and took a second one.

"It’s a telecommunications tower in Auckland." he said as he finished bandaging my ankle.

"I’m still mad at you. And at Charles. He shouldn’t have listened to you! How could he read all my messages and not even once answer me! And what did you tell him why he shouldn’t talk to me anymore? Not because of my feelings?" I sighed and JK only nodded.

"It’s okay, I broke your trust on this one, I’m sorry. I promise you it won’t happen again, only if you let me no other choice… just kidding! Maybe not. But anyways. I told him that you couldn’t focus on yourself if you’re always worried about him. And he couldn’t focus on his season, if he’s always worried about you. So yeah. I promised him to update him every now and then, which I did. But that was it." JK wriggled my ankle a little and as I didn’t react he carefully lifted it off and stood up "I’m sorry, Lizzie. I tried everything with you, but you wouldn’t open up to me. So I had to make you more vulnerable in order for your shell to crack." he walked out of the room and I closed my eyes. Although I was still mad at him, I understood why he did it. Why was he always right?

Day 66:

The last weeks were filled with more therapy, more meditation, more work outs to strengthen my core and built back some muscles, but mostly to get the needed nutrition back into my body. I could almost eat normally, without thinking about Camilles words with every bite I took. The anxiety induced by her almost gone. Only once was the sleep paralysis back. The last time my brain was lagging when I spoke a lot was at one of the earlier therapy sessions. When we were talking about how Camilles presence affected me. Over all I thought I was on a really good way. Charles still didn’t text me. After I texted him that I knew about what JK said and he ignored the message, again, I was worried. Didn’t he know what to say, after we’ve almost kissed? I thought he would answer. Maybe even apologise. A lot. Nothing and it hurt to know that it was this easy for him, to cut me out. Unfortunately it was something I couldn’t change, but talking about it with Dr. Lindner helped a lot.

"How do you feel today?" he asked and I shrugged a little.

"I’m nervous… in 4 days I’ll see my family again. After months. I don’t know, it’s weird. I think it was a good decision to stay alone here, to tell them not to visit me, after my feelings where such a mess after Charles left… although that wasn’t the reason, I know." I said and scratched my chin.

"How do you feel about seeing Charles again?" Dr. Lindner asked and I swallowed audibly "Ahh. That good, huh?" he chuckled.

"No, it’s fine. I mean. I know how I feel about him. And I know that these feelings are okay to have. I won’t deny them anymore to myself. But that’s it. Charles and I are friends. Best friends. Losing him would be the worst that could happen. So I have to accept these feelings. But I also have to accept that he has a girlfriend…" I answered.

"Very mature. But we talked about the effects Camille has on you? And we talked about how you have to be honest with Charles how you feel about her? How she treats you? And that she is one of the reasons for your anxiety and eating issues?" he asked and I nodded "That’s good. Really, Lizzie. You’ve come a long way in the last month. I think in the new year, we will start with 3 sessions a week. Monday, Wednesday and Friday? As my office is in Stuttgart, that’s very convenient."

"I knew it! I knew you were Swabian, too! Although you tried really hard to not let it out!" I laughed and he just chuckled.

"I can hide it most definitely better than you!" I nodded at that and we both got up "Have a nice break! Relax. Talk to Charles. You’re family, tell them about the issues you’re still facing. From that on, it’s going to be easier!" he said and hugged me.

"Thank you, a lot! I feel so much better!" I said and as he released me he grinned.

"That’s why they pay me the big bucks!" and with that he left.

"Okay, Liz! I’d say the next few days we focus a bit more on cardio? And then I’ll get you back home on Sunday!" JK looked at me determined and I nodded.

Home. The first time after I left for Monaco I would be home again. The first time in months that I would see my family again. And the first time after our almost kiss, I would see Charles again, as him and Pascale, Arthur and Lorenzo were going to celebrate Christmas with us. I wasn’t scared. I was nervous. How do you tell your best friend, that you’re in love with, that his girlfriend, he’s in love with, is one of the main reasons for your anxiety and eating issues over the past months?

Merry fucking Christmas.

————————————————————————-

Little Note:

That's it, chapter 9 is out, sorry for the delay - I had a little trouble writing that one, but it’s done (finally!). Next chapter will be a little bit different. You’ll see^^

Please leave a comment/ like/ reblog/ message and tell me how you liked it! I'm dying to hear your thoughts!

If you want to be added to the taglist, drop a comment!

Last but not least, English is not my first language and although I tried my best: please excuse any mistakes I made!

Taglist:

@silkenthusiasts @eugene-emt-roe @sunny44 @itsjustkhaos @glitterquadricorn @aundercover @kakorrhaphiphobia @alittlebitofbooksandmagic

All the images I’m using are from Google, Pinterest and Instagram.

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kwaj115 · 11 months

Text

Ina Kingsley x MC: I’m not needed, never will I be - Part 2

Summary: A simple question that makes Raven crack under pressure.

Warnings: ANGST, negative thoughts, swearing, maybe a sprinkle of fluff, hurt Raven, angsty flashback

Tags: @kulaykape @ikingsley @domakir @loyalshrimpfan @barnibumblr @loyalshrimp @alleycat97 @blaine-hayes @swimmingshoebakerydreamer

Author’s Notes: It mentions some of Raven’s flashbacks and negative thoughts. If you are uncomfortable with it, I advise you not to read it. This does not affect the other stories, think of it as an alternate universe or something-) It mentions some characters from previous fics. For the ones who do read it, I hope you enjoy it. It has not been proofread, although, feedback is appreciated if you message me in private. I will edit it later. This series may be discontinued.

“Lillian?”

“How dare you walk away, why did you leave? How can you say you were bored?!”

Raven looks around and lets Lillian in to avoid waking up the neighbours.

“Come in.”

She sensed Lillian’s reluctance.

“Please.”

Raven sat Lillian down and offered some tea but decided to make it herself after her glare.

“What changed in you to say you were bored?”

Raven sighed.

“I lied.”

******A few months back******

“Ina, why can’t I come along?”

The older woman gave an amused look as Raven followed her around while she was packing her bag with a pout and her arms crossed.

“It’s only a week.”

“A week without you, Ina.”

Ina sighs and settles on the bed, she pats the space next to her so Raven can sit.

“Rae, we can video call and text, we’ll be fine.”

*****

Raven sulked to the airport, following Ina.

“Raven, I promise I will call when I land.”

Placing a kiss on Raven’s forehead, she held her. Raven took her time taking in Ina’s scent before letting her go and walking to the gate. She waved until Ina disappeared into the crowd before trudging her way home.

*****

Continuing with her usual daily routine, without Ina, she texted her.

Queen of my Heart

Ina: What are we having for dinner?

Raven: I can cook ;)

Raven: And clean

Ina: 👀

Today at 7:48 PM

Raven: I miss you.

Raven: It doesn’t feel the same in the apartment when you’re not here.

Delivered 7:49 PM

Waiting for her reply, minutes turned into hours. She fell into a slumber, letting go. A vibration filled the room from the device, light blaring from the screen.

Queen of my Heart

Raven: I miss you.

Raven: It doesn’t feel the same in the apartment when you’re not here.

Read 10:30 PM

Ina: I know, I’m sorry. I’ll be back soon, Rae..

It was difficult for Raven to get up in the morning. Upon seeing Ina’s message, she felt at ease. She decided to visit Rudra and spend time at the gym so she doesn’t feel alone.

“Hey, Rud!”

“Raven! You’re here today, any problem?”

“Ina’s out on a work trip so I thought I can check up on you.”

“Jesse is in the office too, I just need to step out right now.”

The woman went to check up on her cousin, excited to spend time with her after they hadn’t had much time together.

“JESSE! OH MY GOD, I MISSED YOU! You doctors are so hard to catch for bonding time.”

“Well, Lillian and I have been spending quite a bit of time soooo”

“Ahhh, I see. I see heart eyes”, Raven smirked.

Jesse rolls her eyes and they began sorting out the office. Raven decided to fill the air with some casual talk to avoid the silence she already has at home.

“Where’s Ina? Aren’t you supposed to be clinging to her legs like the big baby koala you are?”

“I do not!-”

But Jesse silenced her with a single look.

“Okay, fine. Maybe I am-”

“Exactly.”

“So Jesse, I have a question. If you don’t mind?”

Jesse nods before giving Raven a curious look.

“How do you manage to have a strong relationship when you and Lillian spend much time apart? I’m surprised Charlotte is holding on considering how her mom is away from home often.”

Jesse puts away binders before she gives her full attention to Raven.

“Why do you ask?”

Raven shrugged and mumbled.

“Because why not, I’m just curious.”

Silence blanketed the room as Jesse observed Raven busying herself with papers.

“It’s communication and being vulnerable with each other. You inform the other person of how you’re feeling like they’re your diary.”

Raven thought for a moment before turning to the older woman. Giving a nod, they both continued to work in silence before Raven returned home.

“Ina, who is this?”

“Oh, it’s just a friend from the group. We’re meeting up for a reunion after a long time of not seeing each other.”

Ina kept on moving around.

“I’m glad you’re going out.”

“Thank you, Rae. I’ll be back.”

With Ina leaving, Raven can’t help but feel left out. Yet, she was still cheerful. As the night went on, she received pictures of them together with the last one of her friend giving her a peck on her cheek. Raven couldn’t help but feel hurt and jealous. She felt jealous of them being close in that way but hurt that they could be together since they are closer in age and established in their career paths.

Later that night, Raven tossed and turned. Unable to sleep with her racing thoughts. She read the time as 2:00 am and concerned for Ina, she decided to read her messages again.

Queen of my Heart

Ina: What are we having for dinner?

Raven: I can cook ;)

Raven: And clean

Ina: 👀

Yesterday at 7:48 PM

Raven: I miss you.

Raven: It doesn’t feel the same in the apartment when you’re not here.

Delivered 7:49 PM

Yesterday at 11:07 PM

Ina: *sent 21 attachments*

Raven: Baby?

You okay?

How long will you be until you come back?

Delivered 11:52 PM

She waited for a response, even an accidental message, but there was nothing. She decided to wait it out only for her to knock out before she received a message.

Today at 2:48 AM

Ina: heyy babbyy, im just gonna crasshh at my friends placee, sleeep welll

Delivered 2:48 AM

Raven woke up and the first thing she checked was her messages. She read Ina’s text which resulted in a little pinch to her heart. She wasn’t sure if she should be jealous or if she should be glad that she had a trustable place to stay while drunk. Before she could begin her morning routine, there was a knock at the door.

#playchoices #ina kingsley #queen b #ina x mc #professor ina kingsley #professor kingsley #queen b ina #ina kingsley x mc #ina x raven #raven wardin

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yourlocalpurplekinnie · 10 months

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How long did it take Cody to recover from getting mauled by a bear?

Okay so Cody gets mailed by the bear in episode 9 and the next time we see him in episode 22 he’s completely fine. There’s no signs of scarring or anything.

(This is my 4th hour on this and I’m just writing up all my thoughts so far)

First I tried to watch the episodes (very very quickly so I skipped ahead on ones I knew how much time has passed because in them they didn’t really go over multiple days except basic straining.

However, Chris says at the start that every 3 days they would have to participate in a challenge.

I used that logic and got no where because I tried to find out the amount of it was from ep9-ep22 and I ended up getting 7 weeks which is the total amount of time from ep1-ep22 so I fucked up somewhere- I think it might have something to do with my assuming that 3 days passes in between each challenge which couldn’t have happen if we are talking ep9-ep22.

I know for certain 7 weeks had passed from the first episode to the 22nd because Chris spefically states it in that episode so that helped me narrow that down.

There’s 22 episodes since then so all I did was 49/22 which I got 2.2272723 which I rounded it down to 2 days for simplicity.

And then we have the first 9 episodes where I believe it’s been 18 days if I use the same logic.

Then, I do 49-18=31 so it would be 31 days right?

I don’t think so. I believe it would be even a little less than that.

Cody says this:

“After I got my body cast off and the stitches removed I started to realise this place is pretty sweet” - episode 22 - 3:52-3:57

This stuck out to me for some reason. Im not sure why but I decided I needed to research the average temperature it was around 2007 in Canada at that time and how long it takes to get a sunburn in that time (as Cody was shown with one). I also needed to know how long it should take before you suntan after you got your stitches removed.

Sun can actually cause scarring to occur and for you to get burns easier when it comes to stitches. It can make them more visible and darker so it’s recommended to wait 3-9 months before doing so.

Like I said before I’m assuming it’s only been a month since this has happened.

For him to be able to have a tan, have no scars, and not have to have his body cast or anything on him would have to be a miracle.

Also from what I researched to be able to have redness and pain from a sunburn it would need to be around 25-35 minutes (I believe so anyways) in 30 degrees Celsius.

And it would be around 25-30 degrees for them since it’s summer and all that (I believe so anyways (I was talking about this with some people and the person I brought this part up to got this information for me)).

The bear would probably be around 400 pounds because Owen mentions that his is 296 pounds and the bear is a decent amount larger than him.

We also know that it’s a grizzly bear because the same kind of looking bear is shown in the first merge episode where Eva and Izzy came back episode 15 “no pain, no game”. Leshawna was on the rolling log against it and it’s mentioned it’s a grizzly bear.

The average weight for male grizzly bears is between 400-600 (so there’s a possibility that it weighed anywhere between that) and a female grizzly bear weighs around 250-350. I assume that it’s a male grizzly bear due to the size.

They have a bite that’s able to crush a bowling ball of a human skull without any trouble.

There is a chance for him to survive if he plays dead but he wouldn’t be able to without a lot of injuries (shown by the amount of casts he had gotten) which would take a long time to heal even with a very fast healing time.

Ultimately, I think it took him a little over 3 weeks to heal (probably around 26 days?? So he is able to experience Playa De Losers a little while as well).

All this is just a lot of assuming and approximation but this was just my thought process.

My guy must be an alien with his recovery time.

In the end, it’s a cartoon so of course he’s gonna have a quick recovery time but I thought it would be fun to try and find out how long it took and everything.

I spent literal hours rewatching some episodes and researching about topics to try and make it so I know the amount of time it would take and how little sense it does have to be real life consequences of it happening.

I spent 5 hours on this time to sleep /j

(I didn’t reread this so sorry if I repeated anything or didn’t go into enough detail or have misspelling or sentences that don’t make sense :3)

#yourlocalpurplekinnie #yourlocalpurplekinnie info dumps <3 #total drama cody #total drama #analysis

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ironicsopsychotic · 1 year

Note

First Line Ask Game! Rules: List the first lines of the last ten stories you published (or works in progress if you’re feeling brave lol). See if you or others notice any patterns!

ooh okay i've done this before (i think you might've been the one to send it to me lol) but only w wips, so i'll do this w my published fics/fic updates! thank you, babs <33

like some kind of vision (ch3/3)

The next few days solidified something in Nina’s mind.

the hard part (03. in series)

Two days. Two days after Amber gave the breakup news, two days of incredibly uncomfortable Sibuna meetings, two days of Eddie blatantly lying to himself that ending their whole tryst wasn’t a big deal. Two days of all of that, and then Nina sent him to the clearing in the woods for a solo mission but showed up five minutes after he did. Two days, and she told him that waiting for things to cool down wasn’t cutting it for her. He took in her words slowly, but he took them in, and he took in the meeting place, and then he took her in.

then somebody bends, unexpectedly. (ch6/7)

Her last first day of high school sits oddly in the pit of her stomach.

03:00.

22:49. “We need to move that chair. And that couch.” “No, don’t drag it!” “Shh!” “Alfieeee, you’re on my hair.” “If Victor wakes up we’re pretending to be asleep, alright Yacker?” “While we’re standing up? Good plan, Weasel Face.” Whoever had the brilliant idea for a couples’ movie marathon the night before summer break began should have been exiled from Anubis House, because while Sibuna and Co. got along for mysteries, apparently moving furniture was just too hard.

subtext

From the moment the words “big brother figure” leave Jamie’s lips, EJ is certain his heart slowly breaks over the rest of opening night.

it's called "therapy," and we all need it.

H of A | 5:16pm [eddie] wth is vic on his period or something the man’s even more unhinged than normal

yes, and?

By the time Gina’s Uber drops her off outside the Caswell-Porter(?) residence, it is well into the late afternoon and her head feels heavy with too many overdue realizations.

tugging on my heartstrings

After Mr. Mazzara delivers the news of the cast getting benched for a week, Gina is more than ready to curl up on the couch and knit for a few hours. Ashlyn has Big Red upstairs for some Career Day-adjacent thing, and Gina has no plans to interrupt their coupley evening, so she settles with her legs crossed in a bathrobe, full pajamas, and warm socks and gets to knitting.

messy

Her last day in America shouldn’t be a memorable one.

what teenagers do (ch2/?)

Nina was seriously wondering why they even bothered sneaking up to the attic when Victor was home. She and Fabian could be geeking out over some ancient Egyptian artifact upstairs in Vera’s old bedroom, thrilled with their progress and excited to update their friends, and then it would all be ruined two seconds later by Victor showing up.

so things noticed: i haven't uploaded much in the past two years gkrlg. interesting to see the similar messy and tsbu ch6 openings, both of which were followed up w explanations afterward. the more humorous openings (03:00 and it's called "therapy") have more snapshot/dialogue intros, but everything else varies from one-liners to paragraphs. i didn't realize it split pretty evenly, but i am conscious of not beginning everything the exact same way. also kinda cool to see the hard part move up from the wips ask to the published ask

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whatdoesshedotothem · 1 year

Text

[KISS] Saturday 27 December 1834

9 40

11 5

one very good kiss soon after getting into bed and not long after this another not quite so good but very fair very fine morning - frostyish - F44 ½° at 10 ½ at which hour breakfast at 11 ½ having had Washington almost all the time – saw my father and Marian and then a little while with my aunt who looks poorly but had had a tolerable night and was better – went out to the flags for a little while about noon but the sun that had been out before, went in on her appearance and she had no benefit of it – I went out at 12 ½ - in the low and upper land – had the 2 Manns (pit-sinkers) about the drift to be driven to carry off the water from the pit – the level will come out (from the coal band which is 8ft. below the drift band pit now 49 yards deep) a little above the fishpond – I want the stuff from the drift laying up against the road wall on the Conery side – then had better come out into the hollow near the bridge and be taken from the drift up alongside the wall – this would make the drift about 300 yards long – had asked Holt 4/6 a yard for it – be he would say nothing till my return – a great pity - the drift should have been begun at the same time as the pit which would now have to stand till it, the drift, was done - and could not be done in less than 3 months working night and day - came in at 1 ½ to pay the men the last fortnight’s pit-sinking – found Mr Sunderland just come – he says the place on my aunt’s leg is getting larger but her pulse was much as usual – my father very well – all well for Mr Wortley and his election spite of the reports set afloat by the whigs of his drinking and singing at public houses had Mr Sunderland into the drawing [room] to consult him about A-‘s letting Grieves’ farm named the three offers S- at first for Warburton Beattie out of the question said if W- had any chance for Hipperholme school he had better not have the farm S- agreed and let out as a great secret seeing me interested for W- that he had a good chance of the school seven trustees it seems? two Sunderlands and Mr Dearden will vote for him and I said one of the others might be gained in spite of Mr William Priestley I said one might do much for fair words but did not like things scrammed down one’s throats S- seemed pleased to find A- and I in his way of thinking and I really think Mr WP- will be beaten as he was about the choice of an organist

SH:7/ML/E/17/0132

out with A- at 2 ¼ - walked with her to look after her planting at Cliff hill – 25 minutes with her aunt – home at 5 - A- went to my aunt – had Pickells – the hunters had been yesterday week in Hopkins’ land, done him much damage - P- thought they had even been in the garden – told him to make inquires – dinner at 6 10 – 20 minutes with my father and Marian – coffee at 7 ¾ - Washington came again (with A-‘s navigation money and my aunt’s ditto from Mr Parker) and took coffee and staid till 8 ½ - sat talking to A- - with my aunt from 9 ¾ to 10 10 - very fine frostyish day - F42 ½° at 10 ¼ pm.

Mr. Warburton and the school

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thefirstanomally · 2 years

Text

I posted 2,801 times in 2022

50 posts created (2%)

2,751 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@my-thoughts-and-junk

@bundibird

@podcasts-8-my-heart

@scarletsaphire

@professors-pet

I tagged 2,793 of my posts in 2022

#lol - 1,012 posts

#tumblr - 349 posts

#art - 138 posts

#same - 126 posts

#video - 122 posts

#humans - 78 posts

#yeah - 73 posts

#history - 55 posts

#tags - 54 posts

#writing - 49 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#undocumented: present me forgetting the load of laundry several days in a row and rewashing it three times before finally switching it: oof

My Top Posts in 2022:

I took a bite of the sun, it crunched sharp and sweet like an apple. And dripped with light as suns ought to do.

6 notes - Posted November 27, 2022

You know when you spend like thirty minutes or an hour, maybe more, seated next to a stranger in a public space? Reading, writing, enjoying the weather alone, but together. Quietly, you never speak, but you're aware of each other. Close enough to ping on one another's radar, far enough to know we are apart. And then you have to leave? I always want to say goodbye.

6 notes - Posted April 7, 2022

I sense the chance to spread everhood propaganda!!!!!! It's a trippy indie game and I can't say anything else because it would be a spoiler, it's pretty cheap, only about 15 dollars on steam and 20 on the switch but there's plenty of let's plays too. Very psychedelic and existential, I think you'd enjoy

Oh? Lol. I have been looking for something interesting to get into. Seems inexpensive enough and I do enjoy the existential. I'll have to check it out!

12 notes - Posted January 15, 2022

Ooh, the movie Chris Pine is in and being interviewed for is called "Don't Worry Darling". See, I just thought the poor guy looked so distressed and disassociated in his photos that everyone was just compelled to comfort him in the tags or something. My bad.

162 notes - Posted September 12, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Professors are so funny. "How has this book I made you read changed you fundamentally as a person?"

Lol. My dude. I will write this report and then never think of it again.

362 notes - Posted November 29, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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dingus-on-stardust · 7 months

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📞what do you mean wrapped is already out? It came out this morning? Oh god oh fuck it’s time for-

✨Music Rant: 2023 Wrapped Edition✨

It’s time to absolutely roast review my stats for this year, compare them to last year, and see what Spotify cooked up. Slight warning, this shit is very long and I didn’t realize it until the end so get ready to read lmao.

Genre Sammich

Starting off, we got genres. I listened to 49 different ones this year! While it is a lot, compared to last year, I listened to 57 different genres. I do wonder if that has to do with Spotify swapping different genres around, like what is “pov: indie” lmao. Anyways, my top genres are as follows, presented in a delightful music sandwich.

All of it is not surprising. What is surprising is there’s no “emo”, “rock”, or “punk” anywhere. Because those genres certainly pop up on my best artists.

My Wrapped VS The World

Up next, we have locations…? Haven’t really seen this before, but apparently spotify matches your music tastes with locations with similar tastes. I got Colorado Springs, CO, to which Spotify says “people there are far more likely to be fans of Fall Out Boy, Set It Off, and STARSET”. Interesting to say the least, but can anyone there actually confirm lmao.

No One Is Surprised (Least Of All Me)

Next on the list is song stats, specifically how many songs you’ve listened to this year, AND the one at the top. I listened to 2,606 songs in total, and as Spotify put it “and there was one that *really* connected”. No one is surprised, So Much (For) Stardust stole the title of top song in a landslide victory. With 940 plays in total, that is about 75.7 hours straight. For reference, My Demons, my top song last year, was a measly 112 plays.

No One Is Surprised (Part 2 Electric Boogaloo)

Following Stardust, my Top 5…. Are also all selections from SM(F)S. We got Love From The Other Side, Heartbreak Feels So Good, Hold Me Like A Grudge, and finally, Flu Game to round out the list. I still find it a little funny that FOB took over my heart so much this year. Last year, yeah I was obsessed with STARSET, but I still had a healthy mix of other artists like Caravan Palace and Set It Off. Yet this year it’s a certified Fall Out Boy SWEEEEEP.

WDYM It’s December? 2023 Just Started!

Time goes so fast bruh I swear I just blinked and it’s already over. Speaking of, how much time did I actually spend on Spotify as a whole? Well, according to the stats, I listened for 64,800 minutes this year. Which, is actually pretty much the same as last year, give or take a few thousand minutes. Not going to lie, I thought it would’ve been much higher, breaking into 70,000 or even 80,000. Knowing that number though, doing some quick math, I spent a whole 7% of that time just on ONE song. Just on mfing STARDUST. I’m not ashamed I’m just in awe lmao.

Everyone’s A 0.5% Fan

1,289 Artists this year, and anyone want to guess who’s on top? The joke is getting old, but still, surprising no one, Fall Out Boy, with 17,914 minutes, steals the throne from STARSET (6,521 mins in 2022) in a landslide victory. Putting me in the top 0.005% of fans.

Royal Artist Court

Top 5 Artists are lookin’ real similar to last years ngl. Yet we got more crumbs of info this year compared to others!

Fall Out Boy was pretty low in the charts, up until a sharp spike in March (I wonder why). Staying high all the way through the year.

STARSET coming in at number 2, started the year off really strong before suddenly dropping in March. Then coasting through the year with short waves and spikes every other month or so, but never really regaining ground.

Caravan Palace in number 3, pretty much the same as STARSET in terms of stats, but it really lost ground in August and hasn’t recovered (I’m sorry Caravan Palace I still love you lmao).

Set It Off in number 4, started January really strong, lost traction in February, and stayed dormant until May. Then, sudden spike in June, and coasted throughout the rest of the year reasonably moderately.

Finally, Toby Fox, with the most erratic set of data. Instead of being a steady wave throughout the year, there’s sharp peaks of activity some months, and virtually nothing other months. Notably, peaking around April, sharp spike in May, dead until a huge spike August- September, and another hill in October.

Spotify Watched One (1) Episode Of Yu-Gi-Oh

We’re almost done I swear. We have been presented with a card that represents our listening style. Last year, for example, it was a “Listening Personality” which deduced I was an “Adventurer”. This year, I’ve been presented with a card called “Time Traveler”, which is described as “travel back in time and listen to songs on repeat”. I wonder who the culprit is, cough (sm(f)s with 940 plays), cough. The design is pretty cool ngl, I’d get this as an actual trading card print if available.

Anyways, TL;DR 😒

Here’s the compressed rundown of my stats this year!

Well, that was fun. Hope to see y’all again next year!

(PS if you actually read this all you’re the coolest, have the best day ever)

#music rant #music rants #Spotify #Spotify wrapped #Spotify Wrapped 2023 #Wrapped #blog post #blog #long post #long blog #really long post #so many pictures #all of it is fob #lmao #fall out boy #starset #caravan palace #set it off #toby fox

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infiniteorbits · 1 year

Text

last updated

“amelie” - last updated 3/30/23 at 10:31

likes

- when songs blend into each other

- untangling necklaces

- restoration videos

- doorbells that play songs

dislikes

- when previously melted popcorn butter hardens

- when people laugh or talk at the end of songs

- restoration vids that r actually transformation

- when musical movies have less/no songs in the second half

“now twitter” - last updated 3/30/23 at 17:03

3/28

- dunkin is very hit or miss. luckily for both of us i will take whatever is given to me in any situation ever. - 07:59

- i’m a good kid just mentally disturbed - 9:49

- why is it always hot as balls in [building] i am DYING! - 9:57

“lyrics” - last updated 3/28/23 at 21:06

are you there? - sbd

- “is there anyone in the audience currently living in vain?”

nights - frank ocean

- “wanna see nirvana but don’t wanna die”

“band names” - last updated 4/2/23 at 17:04

i called it

señor manatee

morph suit with the genitals cut out

western haircut

vape gosh

car moth

snail gunk shoes

banana fever

radiobread

nonconsensual gymnastics routine

goodbye endemic fish

uneven sunburn

bread zeppelin

phoebe breadgers

self-imposed bald spot

turtle crossing

“wowowowow” - last updated 3/19/23 at 21:21 (excerpt 1/3)

i really only wake up to go back to sleep again

i dont wanna leave my house because then i have to put on clothes and look at my body. i hate watching tiktok because i see other people’s bodies and hate mine. i hate existing

do you ever yearn to be loved by someone that doesn’t exist so badly that your body aches. do you ever ever want to pull out ur hair bc ur so ashamed of your own thoughts that you cant exist

“dreams” - last updated 2/2/23 at 06:27

night of 12/22/22

[person 1] and [person 2] shit themselves. it seemed to be a reoccurring event bc [freshman year teacher], [person 3], and [person 4] were disappointed

“try god: 1060 AM” - last updated 3/10/23 at 19:36

(is an atheist station)

9/16/19 : 2

11/5/19 : 1

12/5/19: 1

1/14/20 : 1

5/24/21: 1

7/28/21: 1

8/12/21: 1

9/3/21: 1

12/29/21: 1 (roche bros [town] parking lot)

9/23/22: 1

3/9/23: 1 (the bitch had like 2 stickers tho!!!)

“hm” - last updated 1/22/23 at 22:57

“i’m not like you, other people’s problems don’t make me feel better” - [redacted]

“wowowowow” - last updated 3/19/23 at 21:21 (excerpt 2/3)

how the fuck do candles burn out the wax doesn’t evaporate right

welcome to the achery, what can i get u? vomit, comin right up!

the world is made of orbits

the moon around the earth

the earth around the sun

our solar system around the middle

even little galaxies orbit around ours

i suppose that even we, as people,

orbit too

i like to think

that i orbit around you

10.

“i miss all the angel numbers and i keep getting mad bc i dont have to a reason to keep thinking of u” - last updated 3/4/23 at 13:09

people kinda just age out of me.

11.

untitled - last updated 3/28/22 at 10:46

i dont know what to write. i dont wanna seem like im not workin gbut i just…. cant do this right now. i had to walk to school today and i wanted to die. i mean realistically thats not truly a bad thing. the walk is like ten minutes and its in Rennes and im lucky to be here and to be able to walk and go to school and breathe clean air and whatnot. but im so tired. so tired. it took my nearly an hour to pick out my clothes today. i decided on a shirt and jeans that dont look good together at all and that are half dry bc the dryer just does not work in this house for some damn reason and its fucking annoying. i did my makeup because i was looking atrocious- my hair was wet because i finally got myself to shower after god knows how long (less than a week i presume - i think i last showered the weekend before this week?) and the lack of shape to my hair and the weird way my face looks after i wake up or shower or do anything made me need to sit down and inevitably still be upset when its over. i dreamt that i saw [redacted #2]. it was another one of those dreams where theres a big storm or tsunami or combination of the two and we all had to huddle in a school building that looks kind of like this one but not really. i was so excited to see her and i almost cried in my dream. but i barely saw her for the rest of the dream, she was off with [redacted #3] and her other friends and not me. i was left behind. they left without me. i’m not mad at her for this because she hasnt done this to me yet but i know she will so i guess im preemptively sad and mad and upset even though i have no reason to be and thats not fair to her. i am at myself and the person in front of me and how she treats me like im stupid and i dont want to be stupid and i know im not stupid but there is nothing i can do. i know that seems dramatic. “nothing i can do.” there is. there probably is. i really hope there is but at the same time i hope there isnt because then its true. i am stupid. i do get my work done or at least the work i know that i need to get done and my grades are fine i have like a 3.67 unweighted which isnt great but not like awful. i know i could do better. i know i could work harder. i have worked harder before but its gone now and shes gone now and im gone now. im gone now. im gone now.

12.

“favs” - last updated 3/18/22 at 15:19

bc i always seem to forget

music

dirty computer - janelle monae

sawdust - the killers

sgt peppers lonely heart club band - the beatles

rubber soul - the beatles

stranger in the alps - phoebe bridgers

apricot princess - rex orange county

punisher - phoebe bridgers

ow - pom pom squad

turkey dinner - pinky pinky

death of a cheerleader- pom pom squad

13.

“list of issues (current)” - last updated 8/17/22 at 07:46

- [ ] chronic/crippling fear of death (usually intrusive)

- [ ] shortness of breath/high resting heart rate

- [ ] trouble sleeping (falling asleep, keepingg eyelids closed, fear of dreams [lack of control], fear of unconsciousness)

- [ ] usually naseous or having abdominal issues

- [ ] head hurts all the time

- [ ] lack of control with my thoughts

- [ ] depression :( - am i taking too much of my meds?

14.

untitled - last updated 9/7/21 at 06:51

ah oui!! désolé, j’avais fatigué donc j’ai oublié envoyer un text. on est en bus et on va arriver à 15:16

merci pour ce skype!!! j’ai aimé faire de connaissance de votre famille :) j’étais enthousiaste d’aller avant mais maintenant je suis plus enthousiaste (j’ai pensé que c’est ne pas possible!). mes parents se sentent impatients à l’idée que je vais habiter avec vous. je ne peux pas attendre pour vous rencontrer en personne!!!

15.

“grocery list” - last updated 6/7/21 at 10:37

- [x] watermelon

- [ ] orange juice

- [ ] plants

- [ ] ice

- [ ] muffins

- [ ]

16.

“bus writing assignment” - last updated 10/19/21 at 18:05

-doja cat plays

-everyone is on their phone, with wired headphones

-old bus or new? blue model with the facing hanging handicapped seats

-new bus, c3

-woman quiet her phone

-baby blows bubbles than screams, a child laughs

-people look up as siren passes

-12 year olds laugh and play hand games in the back

-girl with dyed hair (color i want)

-its so hot, holding my bag

-i can hear music of man standing near me

- vaguely familiar man walks in

- office man

- u express bag reminds me of my own

-- woman stands to get off, holding an umbrella, clear with ocean designs (why does she have umbrella? its sunny? i have an umbrella but its new. shes holding it like its fragile bht not new)

- almost miss my stop once i realize i dont know where i am

- lost in writing

- nvm got off one too early

- ill walk ig

17.

“wowowowow” - last updated 3/19/23 at 21:21 (excerpt 3/3)

i agree with the catholics sometimes

like when they mention gay people

and get that look in their eyes

i tilt my head down in shame

but i also put my head down to pray

i don’t know if being gay is a sin

but it sure as hell is a punishment

i wonder if future me is looking at me now

crying on the bus, mask soaked with tears

i know she is, because can feel her holding me

i feel her hug and her tears on my shoulders

i hope she’s happy in the way i want to be

18.

untitled - last updated 9/19/19 at 07:58

kantism: you must follow your moral code always with no exceptions, which is defined as something that is good in all situations (intent matters, impact does a bit).

utilitarianism: do what makes the most people happy (intent doesn’t matter, impact does). morality is defined by amount of happiness.

contractialism: if you agree to a contract, explicit or not, you must follow it. while the contract may not benefit you at all times, it is better than living in a world of “natural law”, a world with no contracts and no security.

virtue theory: if we try to be good people, good actions will follow (good intent = good impact). everyone should be good people because it is in our nature, it is our function. you are good if you fulfill your function and bad if you do not

natural law theory: god gave us the ability to be good

#free form writing #writing #free form #creative writing #unedited #zuihitsu #Spotify #excerpts from my notes app #notes app poetry #poetry #alex g #east coast by alex g #the skin cells band #east coast by the skin cells

0 notes

waitingformyfavoritesongs · 1 year

Text

9 April 2023 Sunday 6:22 pmpdt

Left hip bone 🦴 pain 6:23 pmpdt

I wasn’t mentally ready to drive. I was still having to grow strength in trusting my own judgment of what to do. I have difficulty remembering but I think .. yeah I guess that’s another form of my mom making me feel confused 🤷🏻‍♀️ about my feelings that I never had the right to cry 😭 or be mad, so sometimes I would give into doing what people told me to do Bcz my mom often challenged me. If I told her no, she would ask or suggest over and over and over and it would wear me down. She didn’t respect ✊ when I said “no.” So sometimes I did the wrong thing Bcz someone else said to do it. Right inner hip bone 🦴 pain 6:28 pmpdt I think 💭 I remember still being scared 😱 to drive so I bought me and my sister each a monthly bus pass and I took the bus rides home 🏠 which were probably 1+-2 hours long, which by car 🚗 was ≈30+ minutesz I met a guy with learning disability? He seemed almost normal. My sister didn’t like him. So she said she would drive. I once drove him home 🏠 without expecting payment 💰 and he said I should come over and play video games. Then my friend( who became my first boyfriend ) offered to drive me home 🏠 often, and to repay him we invited him over for dinners. Acid throat pain 6:32 pmpdt pain hip joint under thigh 6:33 pmpdt auto save green box seen through keyboard 6:33 pmpdt

6:35 pmpdt I was too afraid 😱 to drive I really didn’t want to. 6:36 pmpdt

6:37 pmpdt I didn’t want to encourage that guy I met on the bus 🚌 to date me. I said something to my sister about him. Maybe it was bad to say. But she met him and decided for herself that she didn’t want to be around him. He was actually a lot older than us but didn’t look it? 6:39 pmpdt he had been going to the same college for many many years I think he said but it’s hard to remember how many. 6:39 pmpdt

6:41 pmpdt I think 💭 back then I often got stuck talking to people I wasn’t interested in Bcz I was shy, not socially experienced enough, awkward. And not very experienced in being assertive and strong about it. 6:42 pmpdt

6:43 pmpdt I wasn’t prejudiced against people with learning disability and I often tried not to be racist. Sometimes though Bcz of my curse I made some verbal body language mistakes that I didn’t want to. When I went to bring your daughter to work day with my dad and sister, I was as kind as I could ever be. I even complimented a guy with very dark skin in his green eyes 👀 and thought 💭 maybe he could be a model Bcz of his beautiful eyes 👀 color. A combo I don’t think I saw until then. After that they all were quiet 🤐 . I had an attraction to green eyes 👀 (left jaw bone 🦴 pain 6:48 pmpdt). For some reason I thought 💭 they thought 💭 I was weird. So they stopped talking to me. 6:49 pmpdt maybe 🤔 the incubus told them I was weird and to stop 🛑 talking to me. 6:50 pmpdt was I honest about how I felt or how I presented myself? I had a tendency to try too hard to talk to people. It felt unnatural. I was still trying to find my price voice sometimes. Sometimes I imitated characters or other people I think 💭? I was trying to suppress all feelings and hope my feelings would change. 6:53 pmpdt

7:54 pmpdt I smelled the overwhelming bad smell 👃 in the bathroom 🚽 again. It seems like a cloud ☁️ that comes over me. I don’t smell 👃 it everyday. 7:55 pmpdt it’s similar to what I felt in the shower 🚿 and it would burn 🔥 my skin from around the bellybutton and upward. 7:57 pmpdt I’m watching the lacy peterson disappearance in tv 📺. Reminds me of the Elizabeth Taylor movie 🎥. Nbc. 7:58 pmpdt

8:03 pmpdt also my eyes 👀 burned one of the last time it happened. It seemed like a possible cloud ☁️ that came over me while I was in the shower 🚿. 8:04 pmpdt

8:06 pmpdt diarrhea feeling a minute ago. Incubus is friends/bros with kings. The kings are so lucky 🍀 to have incubus as bros 😎 So kings can continue doing kingly things. Incubus are murderers. 8:08 pmpdt

8:11 pmpdt I never had a relationship with a demon lord/incubus. So I didn’t depend on incubus to cover up my bad behavior. My bad decisions. My mistakes. I tried to not repeat 🔁 stuff that I regretted. And usually I felt so much shame that I would look 👀 down when confronted and accept the way people spoke to me when they seemed upset 😠 angry. 8:15 pmpdt when I drove to the bank 🏦 it took me 2 hours to get there? A lot longer than I thought it would. I went the street way the whole way Bcz I was afraid 😱 of the freeway 🛣 again. 8:17 pmpdt there were too many cars 🚗 in traffic I guess for me to arrive sooner. 8:17 pmpdt 😞😖😭😑😫😩😤🥵😤🥵 it was unfortunate that I left 2 hours b4 the bank 🏦 was going to close only to spend the entire time a lot longer than I anticipated getting there. 8:19 pmpdt I wish I never went. I came back the next day and looked at the Through way/driveway I went to and it looked clean. It looked like no blood was spilled on the pavement like in that red asphalt movie I guess hence the title. 8:20 pmpdt

8:40 pmpdt incubus wants me to think I have an infection down there in the vag. I know it’s all him (left hip bone joint pain 8:41 pmpdt) he likes to confuse me hence all the back and forth flip flopping for the last 6 years. 8:42 pmpdt 😤🥵😤🥵😤🥵🥵😤🥵😤🥵😤🥵😤 sometimes I smelled gasoline ⛽️ fumes type of smell 👃 in the bathroom 🚽, in the apartment, even though it was far from the bedroom window 🪟 and the bedroom window 🪟 had a small grassy field? Inbtwn that and the street. 8:44 pmpdt I now feel like the incubus doesn’t need me. For what reasons only he knows and I could only guess. 8:45 pmpdt

8:46 pmpdt pain bottom of left foot 🦶. I could smell 👃 the stink even when standing up 🆙 in the shower 🚿. 8:47 pmpdt acid throat pain

8:52 pmpdt I formerly was a little more open to being friends with almost anyone who seemed friendly but not open to the idea 💡 of dating them. I would be friendly until they showed s*xual interest when I wasn’t interested in them in that way. I now realize that maybe I wasted their time by being niceto them. 8:55 pmpdt

10:25 pmpdt I also smelled 👃 a gasoline ⛽️ fumes in the upstairs apartment bathroom 🚽 I lived in in 2020-2021? 10:26 pmpdt now I’m doubting my memory. 10:27 pmpdt

11:11 pmpdt I am dying. I’m (autocorrect: not going afraid 11:12 pmpdt) getting too tired. They the incubus crew only come to see me to kill me. They used me. I guess. Why keep me isolated and suffering? 11:13 pmpdt everything is a lie. At least I tried to work hard. I bet those stair stepper machines at the gym are nothing compared to real hills. 11:15 pmpdt 11:16 pmpdt At least I tried some honest hard work in school 🏫. 11:17 pmpdt

11:48 right hip bone 🦴 pain. ⬆️ to me, that’s printmaking. A little fashion design/basic sewing 🪡 🧵 construction with industrial 🏭 sewing machines and physical education/sports. 11:51 pmpdt I’m not appreciated, I understand. I didn’t do enough. When I walk, I usually let drivers go first. I should not have done what I did. Back spine bone 🦴 pain. The guy was walking 🚶‍♂️ kinda fast 💨 so he was probably able to run 🏃‍♂️? I was driving an old car 🚗😓😥😖😭pain face cheek bone 🦴 pain. 11:54 pmpdt ... I’m hoping he made it across in one piece. In 2017/2018 I saw Dodge Chargers when I asked the incubus if he was ok/alive. If he dodged me then he’s ok 👌. 11:57 pmpdt in august 1st or 2nd 2015 I was almost hit by a woman driving a car similar to mine in a similar part of the sidewalk, so Bcz I usually get karma worse than I did it, I’m hoping that that’s all they the incubus company had planned for me. But 😞I’m afraid 😱 he’s still going to try to give me something worse like he usually did. 11:59 pmpdt right hip bone 🦴 pain. Midnight 🕛 12:00 am pdt

12:22 am pdt 10 April 2023 Monday I see in the news 📰 astronauts 👨‍🚀 are going to the moon 🌙. Why don’t they go to the new earth 🌍 planet? I don’t get it. Wycherley (<- random word probably incubus/autocorrect 12:26 am pdt I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ what that is 12:28 am pdt) moon 🌙 has been done ✅. It’s going to take many trips with many planes ✈️ to transfer billions of people. Should not wait. 12:28 am pdt acid throat pain 12:29 am pdt

12:47 am pdt big left hip bone 🦴 pain 😱😰. I don’t see any great things in my future. He has no reason to keep me. I don’t want surgery for anything. I would want novacaine in every part of my body and commit suicide. I don’t want hip or heart ♥️ surgery . No surgery. This is not negotiable. 12:51 am pdt

12:54 am pdt 12:55 am pdt acid throat pain. On Instagram a sponsored profile came up 🆙 in the stories: billydodgemoody. I think 💭 incubus is using this account name to tell me he lied 🤥 to me by using the Dodge Charger as a sign 🪧 to me. Bil ly dodge moo 🐮 dy..? Trying to make sense of it. 12:59 am pdt he (acid throat pain after heat to right hip butt bones 🦴. He’s looking to kill people. He sees no value in me alive I guess. My heart ♥️ has been abused by them a lot. 1:01 am pdt it’s probably been shrunk like a lot of other muscles 💪. Right shin bone 🦴 pain. He is only using me to trick others probably if he put out a deep fake of us having s*x together. 1:03 am pdt that’s the only reason I think 💭 Why I’m still alive. He needs an alibi so we don’t suspect he was raping little girls like dugard and Jon benet Ramsey. 1:05 am pdt he’s made me have excruciating pain and felt like I was dying every day. 1:06 am pdt with the pain and not being able to breathe 🧘🏻‍♀️. 1:07 am pdt

1:08 am pdt I have a lot of liquid diarrhea. I’m getting tired 😓 of going that I don’t want to get up 🆙 from bed 🛌 or even try to eat or drink 🥤. 1:10 am pdt if I die it’s probably a sign 🪧 he’s been raping and murdering little girls. He faked out me a lot so even if he says “it’s not death ☠️ “ he most likely is doing all of the above. 1:12 am pdt when you lie so much about love 💕 makes it hard to believe you anymore. 1:13 am pdt 😖😭pain flesh muscle bone hip butt acid throat pain 1:13 am pdt he already gave signs 🪧 he was “Brendan” in 2001 and probably f*cked my sister in 2001 with the begin again movie 🎥 so thanks 🙏 bye 👋 1:15 am pdt he’s sick but good at hiding it but he’s proud 🥲 he laid my sister and I’m the only one that would suspect it was in 2001 Bcz he’s only showing me he’s “Brendan” Bcz I’m the one who remembered what he wrote online and said in the phone ☎️. 1:17 am pdt diarrhea pain acid skin pain hot. 😖😭😖😭😖😭😖😭😖😭😞 it’s absolutely death ☠️ for me Bcz it’s true and now that he’s told me he’s going to have to kill me. 1:18 am pdt I’m really dying. I’ve already been told my heart ♥️ don’t look 👀 good and they’ve hurt it a lot more since then. 1:19 am pdt

1:20 am pdt

1:22 am pdt if he is lying 🤥 to me idk 🤷🏻‍♀️ why. I guess he wants to scare me away. And he thinks no one will believe me the more bizarre he makes it sound. ☹️😖😭😭😭😭 1:24 am pdt

1:25 am pdt you hurt 😞 me a lot! I almost have no bones 🦴 left! You don’t love 💕 any of us! I couldn’t breathe 🧘🏻‍♀️ A lot of the time! When love 💕 ends toni Braxton! 1:27 am pdt

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