#this was so fun!! i love oversharing on the internet

[sircarrieart]

what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

1) the fact that I moved around a lot as a kid. I lived in 5 states and in about 7 houses so I’m really good at packing up and moving but it’s definitely messed with my sense of stability

2) Animal Planet and Natgeo Wild. I love animals and I think those channels had a hand in it. I can name most dog breeds bc of that show dogs 101 lol

3) last but not least, being the youngest. Sometimes I do fall into the stereotype even when I try not to lol

(Here’s the list if you wanna ask me more stuff!)

[dualcordie]

Nine People You’d Like To Get To Know Better

thanks so much to @myguiltyartpleasure for the tag! I love doing these lil tag games <3

Three Ships: Patrochilles, Klance, and Zukka (obvs)

First Ever Ship: Destiel (they are my Roman Empire)

Last Song: “Twin Size Mattress” by The Front Bottoms

Last Film: I just watched “Your Name” for the first time last night and I’m so sad I waited so long to watch it because it was cute :(

Currently Reading: I literally just finished “A Thousand Ships” by Natalie Haynes right before getting on here and it was so good

Currently Watching: I’ve actually been going back and forth between re-watching ATLA and watching Heaven Official’s Blessing because I can’t stay on one thing for too long unless it’s a well established comfort show of mine (like ATLA lol)

Currently Consuming: apple juice and Reese’s cups (the dinner of champions, I know)

Currently Craving: tonkotsu ramen from this one restaurant that’s 2 hours away from me and has a waitlist that is always hours long </3

It’s been a few days since I was tagged, so I’m not going to tag anyone specific in case they’ve already been tagged by someone or have already done this, but if you haven’t… consider this you being tagged!

[blorbou]

16, 5 & 11 for the ask game

16. thoughts on mint chocolate chip?

IVE NEVER TRIED IT I LITERALLY DO NOT KNOW WHAT IT TASTES LIKE IN ANYTHING.......

5. favorite form of potato?

fried and salty (not very dry, but i like them crunchy!!)

11. anything from your childhood you’ve held on to?

if were talking about abstract things id say a lot more than i can ever remember clearly. but with like actual Things, my drawer is full of stuff that ive had since i was a kid, like this elsa lunchbox that i never got to use more than like twice that is full of hair pins and hair ties that ive had for a long time!! and i even have some art i did for school when i was like 10-11. i dont really have something im ATTACHED to DEARLY if thats what the questions implying but who even knows......not to sound like a cornball but a lot of the time i only start feeling that deep frustration when those things arent there anymore :3

[pinkyjulien]

Ah... finally alone. Together. Stargazing in silence, except for the crickets. The stars watchin' them back

Birthdays are fun; the whole family get together and throw a huge party, you eat and drink all day, late into the evening, where you drink and eat even more. Loud music, people laughing, dancing, celebrating not only the individual but also the clan as a whole. Sharing gifts, hugs and kisses...

They always sneak away from camp once everyone is too busy partying to notice their absence. Mitch took him there for his first birthday shared together with the Aldecaldos, and became a little tradition between them; one of his favorite spot in Arizona. A cliff near their camp, overlooking a vast desert plain

Cuddling there, in the back of Mitch's truck, sippin' on their beers, eager to really get the night startin'

After sharing one last gift, a tiny metal raccoon, welded together from scrap, Val' would tell him; he's the only gift he ever wanted, the one he'd ever need

Like each year, they would make slow, sweet love in the back of this truck, under those same stars, safe in middle of nowhere. Free to moan, shout and laugh against each other teeth as loud as they want. Not having to constraint themselves, to fear someone interupting them They'll Love in warm-hearted embraces, as they always do, during this special night, until morning comes

Valentin & Mitch | 635/? 🧡 Valentin's birthday 🤗 Rest of the set on PillowFort 👉👈

AAAAH So. Yeah I never did anything for either of their birthdays those past three years but hgfhghf hey it's never too late 😳

So yeah ghfh for those who know, it's my birthdayyyy tomorrow (10/09 - 10th september) and of course I projected that into my boy 🤏 It's always kind of a weird week for me, I get some kind of... birthday blues for the whole week, some kind of "why do I exist" crisis GHFHGF but nothing bad or suicidal, y'know, just??? Just There

My birthdays were always kind of tainted by X or Y shit happening the same day, dad being mad and ruining the day by screaming and shit, some bad stuff happening related to our cars, some big money problem, death in the family etc etc juuuuust always some kind of bad vibes during that specific day 🤡

I felt comfortable celebrating Valentin's birthday this time around tho, not to get too personal and oversharing on the internet, but life is starting to fall into places a bit and even if I'm still a lost dumbass, I'm slooowly getting there! I'm almost a year on T, parents finally divorced, yadda yadda

SO YEAH. Have the stinkies celebrating Val's birthday in their own way, as they do 👉👈😌 and have a nice weekeeeend 🧡

[aidaronan]

✨Fic Writing Review 2023✨

Tagged by the incomparable @greatunironic and my beloved @wynnyfryd.

Words and Fics

58, 889 words published on ao3

Plus at least 14,975 or so words of unpublished things that are started and incomplete.

At least 30 new ideas and/or WIPs.

8 published fics on ao3 + some new additions to the drabble/ficlet collection + many tumblr fics/microfics

One completed collab with @sparkle-fiend and one collab (two really) with @sparklyslug in the works

Two monsterfucker fics influenced by the Steddie FanExpo NoLa crew and getting crossfaded as fuck in the French Quarter after meeting Guiseppe Quintilliano.

Top 3 by kudos

Cassiopeia, Orion, Bootes (aka he was a gator boi) Like I Always Do (post-starcourt hurt comfort) Nothing Hurts (Like Your Mouth) (oops! all monsters. vamp eddie and were steve banging in a mausoleum)

Fandom Events in 2023

Lex's Spicy Six Spring Fanworks Challenge

Multiple @steddiemicrofic challenges: read here.

Upcoming Projects

Two Stranger Things Reverse Big Bang fics. Hilariously, neither of them are Steddie as the main pairing, but I think at least one is likely to hit novella length. I can't say a lot due to secrecy, but I feel safe saying one is a gen fic and one is f/f.

One tiny baker!steve/rockstar!eddie collab with @sparklyslug, hopefully out this holiday season.

One bigger collab with @sparklyslug in the spring if we keep our enthusiasm together long enough.

Will keep trying to plug away at the witches fic. I have, admittedly, lost some enthusiasm for them but I do know where the story is going. If you love this one, please be loud at me but in a non-demanding way lmao. I need you.

Two Fandom Trumps Hate fills of at least 10k for @withacapitalp and my dearest, Andi.

Eddie Bio project.

???Who Knows??? But there will probably be monstercock involved.

Some personal chat, rules, and tags under the cut.

Doing some oversharing because I'm starting to think it's vital that we all are honest about our struggles so we don't feel alone and so we know we're not failures. We're just people.

It's been a low production year for me. It's been a difficult year in general, but sometimes change is hard even when it's change you need.

Over half my year was eaten up with job hunting, moving, and trying to adjust while feeling the depressive effects of not having a local friend/support network yet or enough money for whatever the fuck the economy is, esp in this area relative to my salary. A good deal of my body of works for 2023 were written pre-move. Hell, a good deal of them were written in the first quarter. (Which, btw, shout out to anyone else who often feels a bittersweet sort of regret at not being productive in the current internet environment where you feel like you're old news if you can't keep up an unsustainable output. I love you, same, it's prob not true anyway, and here are 200 forehead kisses. <33) All of that said, I'm feeling much better lately. I've been reading again. Writing again. Feeling like I'm living again. I'm looking forward to another arbitrary border of time and on filling that border with joy, especially queer joy and weird joy and the intersection of both of those. As they say: let's fucking gooo.

I still love it here. I know steddie won't be forever for me, just like other ships before them weren't forever for me. But I'm having fun and have been really enjoying some of the connections made in this little sandbox.

On that note:

Rules: Feel free to show whatever stats you have. Only want to show Ao3 stats? Rock on. Want to include some quantitative info instead of stats? Please do this. Want to change how yours is presented? Absolutely do that. Would rather eat glass than do this? Please do eat glass, I’ve heard it’s good for your gums. Tagging, even though I know some people have already been tagged: @sparklyslug, @wormdebut, @banannabethchase, @just-my-latest-hyperfixation @messessentialist @rainbow-nerdss @plutosrose @thefreakandthehair and anyone else. @ everyone who keeps this fandom rippin' and roarin', kissing you, kissing you, kissing you

[theywontletmebeprincipal]

hey i’m proud of you for being open about your desires, sadomasochism is healthy and when done safely it is fun and hot and a great way to do fetish stuff! i hope you find someone safe to explore that stuff with <3 !

thank you anon I love you anon. really I think a lot of My Issues with navigating sadomasochism aren’t about the kink itself or even that it’s a kink that I have, they’re more with the fact that my being into it feels like a bit of a betrayal, yeah? like I’ve loved scary shit my whole entire life, I’ve made some of my best friends in the world bonding over scary shit. n naturally that comes with people harassing you n your friends, often when you’re too young to even know what they’re talking about, because the way you dress or the music you listen to or the movies you like are all somehow an indicator that you’re some sort of Sex Murderer being barely restrained by the bounds of polite society. I’ve had friends bullied off the internet very very early in our teenage years for allegedly being into kinks they’d never even heard of. so of course when I get older n I start discovering this part of myself it’s really alarming — not because I believe all the crazy shit that’s being said about hardcore kinksters, but because I can no longer say “hey, it’s ok, none of us are sex freaks here.” because now it feels a bit like I’m selling my friends n really my scene as a whole out by being the Fucked Up One even though I Know that’s total bullshit, n I know there’s plenty of us, n that there’s nothing even inherently wrong with being a sex freak in the first place. but even with those complicated feelings I’ve realized like, I can’t talk a big game about being pro kink unless I stop being a little loser baby about my own kinks yknow. I can’t keep being so accepting towards others while simultaneously being so hard on myself. the only way out for me is to unlearn all that, n that starts with oversharing in my tumblr dot com tags I guess _:(´ཀ`」 ∠):_

[sinistarz]

I am so sorry you are dealing with a weirdo. Please know what you meant was obvious.

Its no big deal but thanks mate. I just remembered the block button exists and I should go back to using it liberally LMAO

Its not that I don't think kids should have internet access. I just think the abundance of so many websites having such a young age limit is a horribly harmful thing. Think about it. Tumblr. Twitter. Youtube. Tiktok. Etcetera. Because of such a young userbase you have kids oversharing incredibly personal information. Interacting with spaces that do not cater to them whatsoever and becoming manipulated into harmful mindsets about crap that doesn't matter in the long run. Adult content creators have nowhere to fucking go anymore dude. Like I know I laugh and poke fun at the horny crowd but truth be told, it sucks. Nobody has a platform anymore. Its getting harder for adults to assure minors don't interact with them. Its getting harder for mature content creators to even have a platform because websites like the one I listed will ban so much as mentions of words like sex and kill and death and gay and queer and etc. And have content that nulls their mind like those videos with a billion things going on and some nonsense being talked about in the foreground. And then kids on these damn websites grow up thinking those are bad words or gay is a slur and get manipulated into thinking talking about their name and age and where they live on the public internet is a completely okay thing that will have no repercussions at all. Do they not teach online safety in school anymore or something. And because these fucking websites now rely on the engagement of children, they've shaped and catered themselves to the younger audience specifically and now labeled almost everything as a violation of timmy the toddlers privacy because it shows a nipple or a skirt that shows too much knee or a mention of sex and violence and I'm fucking tired. Everybody preaches on and on that "limiting children from posting on social media" is harmful to them but its literally the fucking opposite. Its the fucking opposite. In becoming more "child friendly" these websites have literally become more harmful and dangerous to children AND adults and its impossible for me to point this out without people claiming I'm preaching censorship. I am literally preaching the fucking opposite for the love of God

[voxofthevoid]

yo, vox *peace sign*

not a fan of oversharing personal info via online with fellow anons (i mean with everyone), though someone was curious about your type and status

well, i'm curious too, but regarding meeting offline with those whom you've found on the internet

did you have such an experience? and if you had, how did it start and end? was everything ok?

i had such an experience and not only once or twice and it was fun but not always of course

p.s. i'm not pushing you, so feel free not to answer at all or answer via direct if you want to

Dw about pushing, I'm pretty open about...a lot of things, really. I keep my age, name, and location information to myself, and while I'm picky about the intimate details I'm willing to share, this blog often turns into TMI central 🤣

Solely in a fandom context, I've only met one(1) fellow fan in the flesh, and even that was serendipity more than anything. We shared location information, and it turned out I'd be going to her city for grad school. I lived in that city for two years and later visited for long periods because my ex lived there, so we had plenty of opportunities to meet. It was fun, fairly uncomplicated. We've largely lost touch now because both our lives got unpleasantly hectic in different ways around the same time. If I ever go there again, I'll call her up.

With others, it's not that I'm not open to meeting, but the ones I'm close enough to know the location of and want to visit are all oceans away. Traveling out of the country is prohibitively expensive for me, and my country ain't exactly tourism central, so there aren't any good compromises.

I'm kind of a hermit though. Even my close-by friends and I meet once in a blue moon. There are a lot of folks I'd love to grab a drink with or something, but I'm also pretty happy to just have them in my (literal) pocket.

[leseigneurdesinferieurs]

People of Tumblr the crazy poet has returned once again. Now that we have reached pride month I feel it is time to write verses about pride and some of my own personal struggles which you may relate to. You don’t need to know this but I hear the internet likes oversharing. I don’t understand my sexuality. So expect references to that in this pride poetry. If I offend you… cancel me.

Anyways here we go have fun!

In rooms where shadows hold the sunlight back,

Where whispers echo off the peeling paint,

I sit and wonder where I lost my track,

Not knowing if my heart was built to faint.

I see their bodies moving, sleek and bold,

They burn with fire I don’t understand,

Their hunger, need, and stories often told,

But here I sit, my heart an empty hand.

I want to feel, to touch, to breathe in love,

But every time I try, it slips away,

A ghost that haunts the edges, just above,

I grasp at air, and watch it drift astray.

My mind’s a maze, with walls too high to climb,

The questions churn like storms within my chest,

Is it the fear, or am I out of time?

Could love be real, or am I just a jest?

I thought I knew, but now I doubt my soul,

The labels fit like clothes too tight to wear,

Am I a piece that never will be whole?

A puzzle missing parts, a vacant stare.

I've tried to mold myself to what they crave,

But in the end, my essence slips away,

Is love a shore, or is it just a wave

That crashes, leaves me drowning, day by day?

In sleepless nights, I hear the world outside,

A symphony of longing, cries and moans,

Yet here I stand, my truth I cannot hide,

An island lost in seas of flesh and bones.

I’m scared to love, to fail, to find I’m less

Than what they say a human heart should be,

Yet deep within, a flicker I confess,

A hope that someday, love will come for me.

So here I write, a verse to fill the void,

A melody of questions, fears, and dreams,

A song for all the souls who've been destroyed,

Yet hope that love is more than what it seems.

[thefrogdalorian]

It's New Year's Eve and I just wanted to share some mushy thoughts about life and Mando and Din and how this year has been overall for me!!

If you don't want to read below the cut I just wanted to wish you a Happy New Year!! I hope you have a wonderful time, whatever you do to celebrate. I'm currently on a trip so I may not be terribly active, but if you're struggling and the emotions of the day are a little too much, please do message me. I've been there plenty of times. You're not alone. NYE should really be about looking to the future rather than dwelling on the past, but I know how easy it is to get caught up in that depressive loop of thinking.

But if you do want to keep reading, then strap in for some Oversharing Online and gushing about how much Mando means to me:

I first started watching Mando during the pandemic in 2020, I think the first episode released like 2 days after the UK went into lockdown or something. 2020 was an awful year for me, as I'm sure it was for so many of you. A lot of things happened to me that I'm still trying to process but I hope to start therapy in the new year and go some way to addressing it.

Anyway, The Mandalorian came to me at a time I dearly needed it. It was welcome relief from The Horrors I was experiencing. I was hooked pretty much straight away, who was this mysterious man? What were his intentions? Was he good or bad? OH WOW THAT WALK. THAT VOICE!!! I loved it, but it wasn't until The Believer that everything changed for me. It went from enjoyment to full-blown obsession. I couldn't wait until Season 3 aired, and I think the expectations I had built up in my head could never have lived up to the reality of what I felt upon watching it for the first time. I was pretty disappointed most weeks, but I feel so differently now.

This year has been pretty strange for me. I had some amazing highs (like being able to go to Star Wars Celebration where I got to see so many amazing Din and Mandalorian cosplays which was an INSANE experience and I still kind of haven't properly processed yet??) and also some difficult lows.

In June I finally got my autism diagnosis, something I'd been essentially waiting for for EIGHT YEARS. It was a huge shock but also not shocking at all. As in, I knew I was autistic since being a teenager but I was absolutely not expecting to be told right there and then at my assessment. So when the psychologist looked me in the eye and told me that I was autistic it was somewhat of a gut punch. Processing it was extremely difficult but during that time I found myself drawn back to Mando and particularly to season 3. I rewatched it again and again fell in love with a season that I'd probably felt on the whole underwhelmed with at the time, until the last two episodes, which I loved instantly.

When rewatching it, I noticed things that I'd missed before, which led me to become kind of obsessed with the idea of Din and Bo together. I know not everyone enjoys that but that truly is what I love about media, that we can all watch a similar thing and interpret it differently! I don't think I'm any more correct about the way I view certain interactions than anyone else. Shipping should just be a little fun, not ruin your mental health or dictate how you treat strangers on the internet. And it especially should not lead to any real world harassment of creators and actors.

So in September an idea formed and between then and November a 182,000 word fic landed in my lap. That's the best way I can describe writing it for me, I was so fixated on finishing it and the plot just kept coming the more I wrote. It is by FAR the longest thing I've ever written and probably ever will write, but the routine of writing it and publishing it helped claw me out of a spiral I was in after my diagnosis.

And it was publishing it on AO3 that gave me the confidence to rejoin a fandom space again. It was a big step for me to put myself out there but I'm so glad that I did because that's what led me here, to discover this wonderful community who adore Din and The Mandalorian just as much as I do. I'm so happy that I finally found my way here. It was way less intimidating than I ever thought it would be!

I know that I haven't been here for the longest time, I wish I just got over my nervousness and made a tumblr earlier in the year so I could have joined in with the hype before season 3. But also considering how poorly received the season was overall, maybe it was for the best that I wasn't here.

Despite my relative newness here, I just wanted to say how welcomed I've felt and that is a truly lovely feeling. Thank you so much to everyone who has interacted with any of my posts and especially my writing in any way, big or small. It means a lot to me! I cannot wait to be around for all the buildup to Season 4, honestly. I know it seems so far but after midnight we can say it's (probably) only NEXT YEAR!

I have no idea what 2024 has in store for me. That doesn't scare me, in fact I'm quite excited about not knowing what will happen. I

Of course, I have some goals I'd like to achieve for myself but whatever happens, I know that Mando will be there to endlessly rewatch and whatever comes my way, I'll always have Din Djarin. He's the only man to ever exist! That gorgeous tin can who instantly soothes me every time I get to watch his silly little exploits with his silly little son. Where would we be without him, eh?

Anyway, whatever you're doing tonight to celebrate and even if you aren't, I wish you all the best. Stay safe, enjoy yourself and I'm sending you lots of love and light for the year. May 2024 be a healthy, happy prosperous year for you and your loved ones.

See you in 2024!

Love,

Spud 🥔🐸

[spoiledleaff]

Why did you disappear for so long?? I feel like you abandoned your blog and friends and stuff for a bit lol Are you okay??

sure. let's talk about this :) i've had a lot of asks lately asking if i was okay during my hiatus//if i'm okay now that i'm trying to make an effort to come back, and, the short answer is no. i'm not.

i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (bpd).

cw :: massive vent + personal, medical talk regarding my mental health and thought process. honestly just a lot of oversharing, because i don't have an outlet for this irl, haha! for all intents + purposes, everything below this line is a trauma-dump. please take care of yourself.

for unnecessary context, haha! i went on a hiatus for about half a year, abandoned this blog, destroyed many old wips and interactions i had with the ghost fandom + distanced myself from the friends i've made on this site through ao3 and/or tumblr with no context or goodbyes. my mental health was, and continues to be, in shambles.

i had a homelessness scare + a series of bad physical health scares that almost led me to a brain cancer diagnosis, so... that was fun, haha. but this is probably the main thing.

borderline personality disorder (bpd) is a mental health condition that mainly affects people through extreme mood swings, unstable relationships, trouble controlling their emotions, + often times self-destructive behavior. one of the main symptoms that most people with bpd suffer is fear/perception of abandonment + a constant feeling of emptiness. in addition to this, i have a deeply ingrained socially anxious mindset + i am neurodivergent.

it runs in my family. and, apparently, its running its course through me as well, haha.

i am exhausted. i find myself stuck in an endless cycle, especially on this site, where i am so incredibly excited to interact with the people i've been fortunately enough to find on this site through my work but i distance myself almost immediately when i worry that i start to get too close to someone.

i am so afraid of being abandoned/left behind, that i would rather abandon someone else and disappear.

as a side effect of my bpd, i mainly struggle with paranoia, disassociation, a short temper, feelings of emptiness + an unreliable self-image.

this, unfortunately, affects my relationships here a lot.

i hate my work. i hate myself. sometimes i even hate my friends and then that always spirals into hating their friends, even if it's people who i know are lovely or i have never even fucking met before. i hate this site + ao3, i hate my fandoms, i hate this blog, and i sometimes find myself hating everyone and everything i've ever known and seen. it's a constant cycle of hatred followed by an emptiness that my work will never be good enough, my friendships will never be good enough, my stories will never be good enough, and i will never be good enough. i rarely find joy in these things anymore.

i find myself so desperate + anxious for a little bit of positive social interaction that i overthink every possible scenario, panic, and then vaguely cut ties before i think the other person will.

i cannot begin to describe to you the constant debate i have with myself about whether or not i should delete this blog, permanently remove everything and anything i've ever written on ao3, before inevitably trying to start anew with maybe another penname, another account.

but i've always liked routine. calling myself some variation of 'leaff' on the internet is a part of that. i don't know what else to call myself—people would know it's me.

i'd really like that. i'd fucking hate it too.

so, i've distanced myself from the fandoms + from the people who interact with my content. i do the bare minimum with friends, and sometimes not even that. i ghost people always, worry about what to say next to the point that i've genuinely convinced myself that i've responded, i do the bare minimum, wash, rinse, repeat.

i post my shit, giggle about this and debate about that, disappear for a bit, before inevitably coming back.

i do enjoy the work that i do, sometimes i'm even proud of it. but it's such an inconsistent whirlwind in my mind that i find myself hating it all just as a default.

if you're someone who has had the misfortune of interacting with me, and you wonder if i hate you. i don't.

i promise. not like that, at least.

i'm not going to therapy for this; i can't afford it. i'm trying to find a way to possibly be medicated for this, but i don't have the greatest insurance. i'm trying to train myself into a nicer, more positive mindset; it's hard.

but i'm trying. i'm still very uneducated about this. i'm still coming to terms with the fact that i might be aroace. i think it's why my writing is getting worse, or, at least, why i've been so distraught and unhappy with it. i think this might tie into why i'm so afraid to post anything other than porn; i think it might also be why i'm starting to hate writing it.

i think i'm still coming to terms with the fact that i'm simply unhappy with life, haha.

i didn't mean for this to become such a huge ramble — i think that's why i'm answering this at such an unpopular//late time, haha! — but i've had a surprising amount of asks in my inbox asking about me.

it's weird. i'm not really used to that. i think that's part of the reason why it took me so long.

regardless, this is why i disappeared. this is why i've been distant, this is why i ghosted you, and this is what will probably happen again in the near future. at least it's consistent, i guess.

thank you for your concern. if you made it this far, damn. i wish i had your attention span sometimes, haha. also i'm sorry for never answering your messages or for never reaching out in the first place. it's very easy to convince myself that you don't want me to, that i might be a trophy friend, that what we had was never real.

i'm sorry that after all this time this is how you might be hearing about it.

thank you for being patient with me.

i'm sorry you have to be so patient to begin with.

i think that's all i have to say :) it's a new road for me, and it's one that i don't want to travel. but i have to. i think it might help me in the long run if i do this all now.

so... yeah! :) haha, a bit of leafy lore, if you will. just, maybe not the fun kind, haha!

[busiest-bee]

I’m scared to post this but if I don’t I’ll beat myself up about it. Fuck it we ball

I’ve been trying to put my emotions into words All day. But then I remembered. Oh right yeah. I can just. Say It.

Anyways Me being a loser (vent? I don’t know) under the cut

(Cool divider made by me using some splatoon assets I got off the wiki btw :•3 )

(This is kinda long. Way longer than I originally wanted. So super sorry about that)

Anyways for a little while now I’ve been considering that I Might be some form of nonhuman/otherkin. Specifically a shapeshifter, but dogs, cats (both big and small), wolves, and bears are things I relate to heavily as well. (Not sure “relate” is the best term for what I feel but ehh I’m having a hard enough time with this as is) The dog, wolf, and cat parts are because of the kind of shapeshifter I..am?? That feels kinda crazy to say (and saying THAT is giving me some serious self doubt. But as they say, Fuck It We Ball).

Edit (8-24-24)- adding in cuz I just remembered: some visual similarities to lizards/reptiles so throw a little bit of That in the mix idk

Anyways yea the type of shapeshifter I’m talking about is actually a species I’ve been Sorta developing over a couple years now, it’s all come about pretty naturally tho. It’s basically just my brain saying “hey I Hate these parts of being a human. Let’s do something else” idk how to word it. So the kind of shapeshifter I am is more so based on what I hate about my irl body. That definitely plays into my gender dysphoria, and vice versa.

The bear part I feel less strong about, but it makes sense I guess. That came around when I had an intense hyperfixation on Splatoon. My favorite character is Mr.Grizz. Who is a bear. That hyperfixation was also the catalyst for me trying tinned fish!! (This is important to me bcuz I’m an Incredibly picky eater. Not fully relevant to the rest of this but Oh Well. I’m already oversharing on the internet in an attempt to come to terms with my identity, why not share a fun fact, Yknow?) Ever since that I’ve also felt very strongly about salmon. My favorite fish (I didn’t have a favorite fish beforehand) is sockeye salmon I LOVE them. They’re beautiful. They’re poetic. I want to eat them. Also my current layout (as of writing this) is splatoon themed. Specifically Salmon Run and golden eggs. I love the way the world of splatoon makes me feel. I want to be completely immersed in it. Golden eggs look so tasty and are so gender I HAVE to eat them.

I don’t know if this is a kin thing or if I’m just thinking too hard about it (that could apply to this entire post but eh) but I also relate (again, maybe not the “correct” term but I’m working with what my brain has so shh) to Chara from Undertale. Idk something about a little kid falling down into a mountain full of monsters, being adopted by said monsters, and giving themself up just to try saving them…their cannonical distaste of humans…something about them as a character really feels so intensely Me. I don’t think I Am Chara, but. Idk. This is all very new to me (admitting that I feel these things at least. I’ve been consuming some kin content for a while now. It’s fun!! Love moodboards and stimboards so much they’re so fun)

And maybe, if anyone has even read this far, u might be asking “bee! Your name is Bee! Your account name is bee themed!! Are u a little honey making freakazoid out to get lost in the pollen sauce?”

To which I say:

All jokes aside. I don’t know man. Bees are very me, I am very bees, but I tried looking at bee kin/therian posts and i couldn’t really relate as well as i hoped. Although I might’ve just not scrolled down enough to find something that I really deeply felt in my gut. So just. Think of me like a fancy car (except creature) with a cool bee themed skin or something idk. (To be fair itd make more than enough sense for me to be a..kin?? Therian?? I don’t know. Of a bee. I have so many bee things. One day I will have more)

I’m still unsure of labels, if anything I just prefer the term nonhuman, gets the point across without being too specific, and doesn’t give me any of the bad icky feelings that make me feel like I’m lying no matter what I do or say.

Anyways yeah this was long and dumb and honestly? I’m terrified to post it. Ive been struggling to get my words out all day and I’ve been posting like a madman. But I guess using my social media as an outlet for all my emotions I otherwise wouldn’t really have anywhere to put will do that.

Sorry if none of this made any sense, I’m really trying to not only understand myself, but also to then Describe that understanding to other people. And I’ve never been very good at having people understand me.

If I end up realizing I was wrong I will promptly dig a hole in the ground and let nature overtake me and cover me in moss

(Also just a note: if anyone sees this, Reads this, and decides to like. Reply or reblog with words of encouragement/understanding or really Anything. I might not reply bcuz I have really bad social anxiety, especially on the internet. But trust me when I say that I read everything people say in the tags of reblogs, comments/replies, all of it. It’s all greatly appreciated, it really truly is.)

(Cool ass Mr.Grizz divider made by me with an asset from the Nintendo online app in Wandercrust I think. Though I believe all the pics u can get from that are also on the wiki) (I should make a salmon themed divider holy shit)

[mellaithwen]

Oversharing on the Internet

Tagged By: @mistmarauder <33 I love to be an enigma wrapped in an overshare so this is perfect actually :)

ONE: Are you named after anyone?

No. I was going to have a nicer name, but then they consulted my sister (who was 4). uch.

TWO: When was the last time you cried?

....yesterday -_-

THREE: Do you have kids?

Nope!

FOUR: Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Yeah - I think less so now compared to a few years ago though.

FIVE: What sports have you played/do you play?

Netball and rounders in school, and a little bit of tennis and badminton, but honestly I've had back problems since 2021 so nothing since before that tbh.

SIX: What's the first thing you notice about people?

Probably smile? Or like. I love how distinctive people's laughs are?

SEVEN: What's your eye colour?

Green :)

EIGHT: Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings. No question.

NINE: Any special talents?

*through gritted teeth* i can draw... & i can play the harp if that counts as special? idk.

TEN: Where were you born?

In a hospital that no longer exists :) fun fact? maybe? haha

ELEVEN: What are your hobbies?

Drawing, writing, reading, watching TV, and movies. Lying back and imagining my life if I had a dog :')

TWELVE: Do you have any pets?

no nOT YET

THIRTEEN: How tall are you?

5'8

FOURTEEN: Favourite subject in school?

English Lit.

FIFTEEN: Dream job

I mean the dream is to not work, but an illustrator would be nice.

Tagging: @homerforsure @princessfbi @fcntasmas @ravipanikkar @try-set-me-on-fire @littlespoonevan @renecdote @capseycartwright @hopeintheashes @fleurdebeton @like-the-rest-of-la @genderqueerbuck @henswilsons @shortsighted-owl @thunderboltsortofapenny @ashavahishta @seacoloredeyes @andavs and anyone else who wants to share :)

[o-wild-west-wind]

A Biracial Reading of OFMD, ft. Iggy’s Revenge Izcourse

a.k.a. I typed out a sentence that turned into an accidental essay of meta, whoops!

Y’all…I love this fandom to pieces, but I don’t think some of you realize why not all of us love Izzy/may be critiquing him. And major disclaimer—I am in NO WAY telling anyone to stop enjoying him as a character. This is NOT an anti-Izzy post (I will go into more detail on why I in fact encourage you to keep doing so later, and to the people who are sending unsolicited hate mail to Izzy fans & haters alike: please don’t!)—I’m just tired of seeing vitriolic hate against the people writing about him as an antagonist, or critiquing his actions based on canon, or post after post of “why don’t people love Izzy like I do!!” and then aggression when people explain their honest opinions. Look: we all have our skrungly little bad guys. I get it!! I’ve got my own collection!! I too have become a consumer and enjoyer of the Izzy fanon!!! PLEASE don’t take this as an attack—I just want to provide some personal, potentially fresh context from at least one (obviously non-exhaustive) perspective for those who want to know why Izzy isn’t universally adored, and also to make a plea for a safer fandom space where we can talk about our perspectives on these fictional characters without escalating to unnecessary vitriol, especially as s2 be upon ye (bc holy shit fandom is supposed to be fun, we’re having fun and that’s an order 😤)

(Oh, and I know I’m potentially stirring the pot with this post, but this should go without saying: don’t send each other death threats. What the fuck. Nobody do this?!)

So now that the legalize is out of the way: I want to share that the reason I initially imprinted on this show—and on Ed specifically—was because I’d never seen an explicitly biracial character treated with such complexity, nuance, and grace. While our ethnic makeups are vastly different, I too am half-white & half-brown—which means we’re absolutely nothing culturally alike, but our worlds view and treat us as pretty much the same regardless. And like Ed, my dad resents my mom and my racial makeup, and is prone to what I like to call “white violence.” Not going to overshare on the internet, but let’s just say that all this compounded makes Ed feel highly relatable to me (although for legal purposes I promise I have not krakened my dad 🙃).

When I first watched the show (and honestly also until my 3rd or 4th rewatch), Izzy IMMEDIATELY made me think of my dad. He also immediately made me think of Ed’s dad. Their mannerisms, word choices, and tones of voice; the obsessive need for control; the default of violence; the gradual dehumanization until an ultimate kraken-ifying breaking point—it all read to me like an intentional parallel. A shadow of white violence following Ed around that he hasn’t been able to shake, and mirroring to him the things he fears the most, including the things he fears within himself and feels forced to become (he is half-white after all, and this is a whole other post, but tl;dr there can be a lot of baggage that comes with being half-white/half-poc in regards to grappling with your toxic relationship to that white side of yourself, and especially if your white parent was racist and/or violent). And you can claim a different reading of all of this if you want (I genuinely mean that, like I’m in favor of meta & I think it’s great to analyze these things) BUT. that does not change the fact that I felt what I felt as a result of what was portrayed on screen and combined with my lived experience. Because fictional characters are just that—fictional—and are vessels by which you can process the world; we will always bring our personal lived experiences to anything we consume, and that’s okay—that can be the point, even. Art imitates life imitates art. Interpretation is the name of the game!

(more under the cut)

So when I watch this show, it’s a helpful tool for me to process my own feelings of being victimized by the white violence that’s followed me around my whole life, as well as the ways in which I’ve rebelled against it/tried to make peace with a non-toxic version of whiteness (in parallel to the more overt theme of masculinity, which is—ding ding—inexplicably tied to whiteness and western colonialism) via chaos, love, hurt, and sometimes giving up and giving in—and in this process, Izzy is a safe target. And you know why that is? Because he’s FICTIONAL. I can feel rage towards him because he’s NOT REAL. I can better understand and process the pain I’ve felt and rarely seen societally acknowledged by watching it paralleled on screen via actors and writers who have likely also grappled with similar feelings (I mean, I genuinely have made more progress with my personal biracial trauma via this show vs. years of therapy), and if I want to assume the worst of Izzy based on my interpretation of canon to help me through this? That’s fine! Because I can’t hurt his feelings and he can’t hurt mine!! Because he’s not real!!!

And here’s why I still support the Izzy-enjoyment: I am sure that many of the people who love Izzy and defend him to the ends of the earth probably feel a similar way that I do about Ed. It’s why we get all riled up and protective of these characters, why we might take attacks on them as attacks on ourselves; recognition of the self in the form of the other, and all that. Izzy is a vessel by which to safely work through the dark feelings and the pain you’ve bottled up—and he’s a safe way to do that because he’s FICTIONAL. And that’s a beautiful thing imo!! That’s truly the beauty of art—it is what we make of it, and what we make of it helps make ourselves better. It’s good to be open to interpretation.

HOWEVER: that does not give you permission to discount my relationship to this show (as I will not discount yours), and more importantly: that does NOT give you permission to reject the notion that canonically in s1, Izzy is literally and thematically (emphasis on thematically) an antagonist who is purposefully written to cause harm that can be interpreted as a hate crime, especially to those with lived experience of homophobia/racism/ableism/bullying/etc.—and you cannot harass people about this when conversing about theories of canon. If someone sees Izzy’s dialogue as cutting, degrading, and even triggering, that’s extremely fair of them to do so—clearly Ed was written to feel it that way! Con himself has paralleled Izzy with Judas! And can interpret it all differently? Sure! But you CANNOT assume that everyone else will, and then get upset when people don’t. I can’t believe I need to spell this out about an angry white guy in a show about toxic masculinity, but if someone does not like Izzy, it is likely due to a personal history of harassment (or worse) that he is reminiscent of; by making a point to defend him to someone—even if you are well-intentioned—you are very much putting salt in a wound.

I want to take this opportunity to further emphasize some tenets of fandom in general:

you can like characters who do horrible things without needing to jump hoops to argue their morals as pure 👏

conversely, you can critique their actions and still like them (encouraged, even) 👏

you can like characters who do horrible things simply because they’re cool and hot and interesting—don’t worry, we know it’s not the same as liking people like them irl 👏

your liking a villain archetype says nothing about your own moral virtue 👏

you can like horrible characters and see reasons for why they are the way they are/view them as tragic/note sympathetic dimensions of their personality/root for them to have redemption arcs while acknowledging that said redemption arc may not have happened in canon yet and that these are implicit, not explicit, readings of canon 👏

and you can also reimagine canon and change their contexts in fan works so that they ARE morally virtuous 👏 but PLEASE just be mindful and accountable when you do this in a context where not everyone will see a character the same way as you, and where multiple of people of marginalized identities have spoken out about the harm not doing so can cause. Just be honest, sincere, and kind, listen and learn, and don’t harass people for understandably needing space from a character that symbolizes something different to them than it does to you.

Also: blocking tags or people just because they have character opinions different than yours is totally okay and does not mean anything other than “I am curating my online space to have a better time,” it’s NOT personal

And most importantly: FANDOM IS FOR FUN! This isn’t our day job! We come to fandom to decompress. Don’t ruin people’s safe spaces!!!

Like I said, I’ve grown to enjoy Izzy over time thanks to fandom and fanon, and I think it’s fantastic that fandom can have such diversity in the way it interprets canon. I can’t wait for his probable redemption arc (it will likely be a healing thing to witness for many of us) and I’m truly glad that we can all have different relationships to the same characters. But please—when some of us need Izzy to be a punching bag, just let him be a punching bag. No, it’s not homophobic and DEFINTELY not misogynistic to view him as an obstacle in Ed and Stede’s relationship (baffled by the amount of times I’ve seen this take—it’s a funny joke but if you actually think Izzy is treated the way female characters related to other mlm ships have been treated, the point is very much going whoosh). You don’t have to engage; it’s not personal. It’s not about YOUR relationship with him—it’s about MINE. Please let me feel and even discuss rage towards him when I think about episode 10. Please let me throw as many sandwiches at his head as I need to. Because I PROMISE, it won’t hurt him—because he, and none of these characters, are real; and yet we, the fans, very much are.

[boyswanna-be-her]

publishing gay romance novels really unreasonably often for so many years completely warped my view of like... what is fun and funny and hot. like i am decent at writing a life-affirming, largely unproblematic romance that won't get me hate reviews and that's valid. and i think that's a pretty reasonable reaction, as a creator, to the bizarre takes on my fiction that i've dealt with (I'm sure everyone in my field deals with it) and vitriol that exists on the internet and goodreads and whatever platform for anyone who dares to present gay stories that aren't stock standard, ready to be produced by the hallmark channel and distributed to a chikfila audience.

but like. hm. to be writing that MESSY shit again. incredible. give me those goblins making bad choices. i cannot wait to ponder over how to write their setpiece Incidents in the most exquisitely uncomfortable ways. i love to watch them chew the scenery in my imagination. cannot say the same for my sweet, sweet lovingly rendered mass-appeal characters whose most compelling aspirations are to get me lots of nice reviews where nobody is calling me a [redacted lol] writing a "guide for [REDACTED FOR LEGAL REAONS WHY DO PEOPLE SAY THIS SHIT HOLY FUCK!!!!!]" i was really shaken by some of the horrific shit that people put out about my absurd books and it's taken me a long time to understand how to ignore it and--even harder--digest what i had already internalized and believed about myself as a human being based on book reviews. reading reviews is NOT the same as having an editor, and hater input was poison to my confidence in a way that i wasn't actually secure enough to acknowledge until the last few years.

im having a lot of emotions around writing again. im having a lot of emotions around most aspects of my life presently, and that of course channels nicely into creating some thinly-veiled fiction.

i'm glad i was allowed the luxury of taking some years off from publishing. i had completely stopped thinking of myself as a writer, despite the fact that i have 17 titles under my belt including a dozen hugely overlong novels written just by me. the last five years have been a pretty consistent ego death--not that i'm complaining, the vibe is now immaculate--but it is of course a lot to deal with. At the same time, the past DECADE of... trauma and growth and death and growth and total fuck ups and growth... has also casually wrought a sort of ingrained queer fury and strength in me that won't be quenched until my body kicks the bucket. I'm finally as old as I've always felt and I've got nothing to lose in writing some incredibly indulgent and polarizing fiction

anyway i don't really know how to blog anymore. i stopped sharing for so long, edited my sharing, overshared, undershared, begged for input, ignored all input. i'm making all of this shit up as i go along at this point. i'm excited about the way that my life experience is currently guiding my fiction. i think that's the essence here. but also 420 smoke weed every day jesse pinkman was right all along

[pragmatic-optimist]

Oversharing on the Internet

Thank you @iboatedhere and @celeritas2997 for tagging me in this game and giving me a reason to procrastinate on the things I have to do before bedtime. 

ONE: Are you named after anyone?

Nope. In fact, I didn’t meet another Sonia until I was at summer camp, the summer after 7th grade. Her birthday was also the day after mine, and 12-year-old me’s mind was blown. 🤯

TWO: When was the last time you cried?

Hmmm, it’s been about 4 days? I listened to a few podcast episodes a friend sent me; one was about grief, and the other was about loneliness. You’re probably thinking, oh well, no wonder. 😆 What moved me to tears in both episodes were the anecdotes about the power of human connection and love in tandem with (what feels like) the rarity of both in the current climate of the world. 

THREE: Do you have kids?

@iboatedhere said it best: god no. 

FOUR: Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Absolutely, it’s my primary coping mechanism. How else would I survive the insanity that is adulting while living in the United States of America? 🙃

FIVE: What sports have you played/do you play?

Hmmm, do mind sports count? 😂 I was on Scholastic Bowl and Academic Decathlon in high school. I am not very athletic and have never been well-coordinated enough for physical sports, though I do enjoy doing cardio group classes these days. 

SIX: What's the first thing you notice about people?

Height, because I like to make eye contact when meeting people for the first time, so it’s a matter of determining if I’m craning my neck up or not lol. The second thing would be their eyes, and the third thing, their voice. 

SEVEN: What's your eye colour?

Brown

EIGHT: Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings 1000%. Real life is scary enough. 

NINE: Any special talents?

I’m the eldest daughter of an immigrant household. IYKYK. 😂

But also, I have this ✨intuition✨ about people–a spidey sense–that never lets me down. I’m also good at anticipating a need before it’s spoken or presented itself. 

TEN: Where were you born?

Gonna go with the obvious, most popular reply: hospital lol

ELEVEN: What are your hobbies?

I like to take walks, beta-read some wonderful fic from time to time (when life isn’t lifin’), buy iced lattes (even in the winter), and visit bookstores for fun because I (allegedly) enjoy reading. However, these days, I am buying books for comfort because they just get added to my emotional support to-be-read pile.

TWELVE: Do you have any pets?

Nope. I would love a dog, but the way my life and work hours are set up, I would feel too guilty leaving the pup home alone so much. 

THIRTEEN: How tall are you?

5'6 

FOURTEEN: Favourite subject in school?

Psychology, English Lit, History, and Women and Gender Studies.

FIFTEEN: Dream job

To use a quote I’ve seen on the internet often: “I do not dream of labor.” 

It’s getting late, and I’m too tired to go on a coherent rant about this, so I’ll just say that I believe the idea of a dream job is a trap of capitalism. 🤷🏽‍♀️

That being said, I do have to fund the responsibilities of adulting, so I look at a job as the means to build a dream life. There are several pieces to what I would consider a “dream” life, and those pieces may change over time because I will continue to evolve as a person, but I know that whenever those pieces lock into place, my life would make me feel peaceful, stable, secure, and joyful. That’s forever the goal (along with the ability to treat myself to iced lattes and books lol). 

--

No pressure tags; I think this has probably made the rounds, but if you’d like to share: 

@sunshinestrand @strandtk @mistmarauder @gregoryeddie @scienter @rmd-writes @orchidscript @first-kanaphan @jddryder @chicgeekgirl89 and anyone else who would like to share (please tag me!)