#though not THAT difficult given that I found it in like 20 mins by looking for Playboy archives rather than this interview specifically

[thestarsarecool]

PLAYBOY INTERVIEW: ALLEN KLEIN

a candid conversation with the embattled managed of the beatles

Published in the November 1971 issue of Playboy Magazine

[softieteez]

backstory

warning: death, cancer, drinking, mental abuse, some physical abuse, cussing, crying, anxiety attacks, suicidal thoughts, child neglect

genre: angst

summary: before ivy even got to her teen years, things were more difficult than most adults lives. from losing her dad, to experiencing neglect.

a/n: ivy’s story is pretty deep. feel free to skip this post if you are triggered by anything listed. also i’ll be using her birth name a lot throughout this story.

languages: normal = english. italic = korean

olivia min was born june 4, 2001 in michigan. she is the youngest of three siblings. miya, the oldest, was born february 20, 1997. and austin, the middle child, was born august 4, 1999.

growing up, olivia had an amazing relationship with her family members. her parents were always really supportive of anything she wanted to do. and her siblings, were annoying, but they all love each other so much. the family was pretty middle class, maybe more upper middle class. they had enough money to buy nice things and go on trips, which was nice and it gave the kids experiences they’d always remember.

when she was a baby, the families friend jax, had given her the nickname ‘ivy.’ the name stuck with him and eventually spread to friends at school. but her family members always called her olivia or jisoo, her korean name.

in school she was a social butterfly, running around recess practically collecting friends like they were collectors items. and because of her loving nature, no one could say no. she’s also very smart, she’s always had straight a’s and was usually willing to participate in class. teacher would say she was a sweet and smart little girl, and of course she could make the class burst into giggles at any second.

olivia started dancing at the young age of 4 when her parents enrolled her into dance classes. there, she met new friends and became one of the best youth dancers in their town.

her grandparents lived in ohio, which meant a lot of the times they would travel there for the holidays. olivia had a friend named aggy that lived there.

aggy lived next door to ivy’s grandparents. she was diagnosed with leukemia only five months before meeting the family, this was when ivy was maybe 7 years old.

through the years, ivy excelled in everything from piano lessons that she started when she was 5, to even cooking. she was a cheerful and happy little girl. until she reached age 9 when her dad was diagnosed with lung cancer.

this was a huge reality hit. she didn’t really understand it though, her dad was healthy. until he wasn’t. she remembers that day so clearly

“where’s mom and dad?” olivia asked walking into the kitchen and seeing her sister sitting next to their sleeping brother on the couch

“hospital, grandma and grandpa will be here in a few hours. for now our neighbors are gonna look after us”

“hospital? but why?” the little girl tilted her head

“i don’t know olivia. go back to sleep it’s early” miya did know, she saw her dad getting worse and worse as the months went on. but the last thing anyone wanted to do was worry anymore people. especially austin and olivia.

“okay…” she responded and went back toward her bedroom.

a few hours later she woke up to her grandma shaking her awake “wake up olivia. grandpa and i brought lunch.” the elderly woman spoke

olivia smiled at her grandmother as she sat up and stretched. the girl walked to the kitchen.

she still remembers all the yummy food her grandparents made, now knowing it was out of grief. later that night was when her parents revealed the truth to the kids.

and suddenly her whole world collapsed.

she would miss dance class and sometimes even school because her father would be in the hospital. because her mom and dad were always gone, she and her other siblings were expected to help around the house. occasionally with their grandparent by their side.

when she turned 10, she didn’t have much of a birthday blow out. and her present was some nail polish because that was all her family could afford at the time. when she turned 11, they spent her birthday in the hospital. her dads condition became so much worse that he wasn’t able to leave the hospital.

“i’m sorry you have to spend your birthday like this livvy” her dad held her had. his skin was paler than usual. colder too.

“it’s okay dad, i’m just happy we’re all here” she smiled as she held back tears. but her dad knew she wanted to cry.

“me and your mom got you something” he smiled and looked at his wife. the woman smiled sadly and reach in her purse to pull out a small purple box.

olivia grabbed the box from her mothers hand and opened it slowly. a beautiful butterfly necklace was revealed.

“it took a little while for us to find the perfect one” her moms sniffled. “we wanted you to love it”

thinking back on that moment. ivy now understood they wanted it to be special because it would be the last gift she would ever receive from her father.

“thank you mommy. thank you daddy” she whispered and pecked her dads forehead.

sadly, on june 29, her father passed away in the middle of the night. for some reason, her brain blocks this moment out. it’s all a blur.

her and her sister were sleeping on the little couch the nurses had set up and her brother was laying on the sleeping bag he had brought on the floor. it happened so suddenly. she woke up to her mom hysterically crying and weeping.

her brother and sister were frantic as nurses guided them three of them out of the room. but she does remember the last look she had at her dad.

he didn’t look real, more like a painting. or a sculpture maybe. his skin was practically white and his body was lifeless.

her whole family was in a depression, especially her mom. after losing her husband, she started drinking to numb the pain.

her grandparents left ohio and went back to korea completely unannounced. it was up to miya and austin to take care of themselves, each other, and of course olivia.

after a month of her fathers passing. the family had got a call from aggy’s mom informing them that aggy passed away july 25. so now she lost her dad and her best friend. along with that her mom isn’t stable enough to take care of her and her siblings, and her grandparents were m.i.a.

when she turned 12, that’s when her moms drinking got worse. she was living off of beer and tv dinners. she was also now mentally abusive toward her children.

austin became the child that started work. he would work late at night and then go to school all day. he was responsible for the families income at age 14.

miya was rarely ever home as well, but she was gone to escape their mom. she would rebel, hang out with her boyfriend, who ivy later found out was physically abusive.

then ivy was the kid that did the chores. she would also clean the neighbors houses to help pay her dance fees. the neighbors would always feel bad so they’d usually give her $30 for each chore she did. that was barely enough though.

and somehow, none of their friends ever noticed anything. except for austin’s, he’s always shut down plans to work and was overly tired all the time. but the friends did start noticing behavior changes

ivy became really depressed and spent most of her days just waiting for them to end.

the family got some income from the bank after the fathers passing. the kids were all in his will, earning $114k each. but they wouldn’t receive that until age 18.

around this time, ivy got into contact with her grandparent. begging day after day to move their and live out her dream of being an idol. her siblings would even call and beg the grandparents to let her, not wanting her to experience this life anymore.

after months of begging, her grandparents finally agreed to move her out to korea. she had already submitted audition videos to big companies like sm, jyp, yg, bighit etc.

she was 13 when she was officially moved into korea. she lived with her grandma and grandpa for a month before moving into the jyp dorms. she trained there for a year before being sent off to audition for produce 101.

during this time, she experienced great stress. her anxiety and depression led to suicidal thoughts and almost had to leave the show because of it. many fans who were supporting her throughout the show noticed her getting skinnier and skinnier by the episode.

somi, who became her best friend instantly, was also worried for her. ivy felt bad that she was worrying people. but she couldn’t help it, her mind controlled her. her thoughts were always telling her to do something. she would practice all the time and forget to eat.

somi would often watch after her to make sure she would at least eat a bagel and drink water everyday.

it wasn’t long before ivy would share her story, only parts of it publicly. her story reached american headlines, meaning her family and friends had seen it.

she was struggling for years. and it was only recently when she found inner happiness. she worked hard during produce, and didn’t win. and of course, she left jyp and moved to kq where she met her life long friends.

her boys have helped her so much, they were there to listen to her story, to hug her when she cried.

those are her boys, her family. her home.

[monocytogenes]

WIP Wednesday

Got tagged by @nirikeehan and I actually have some WIPs in the works for once! A few are Quinn/SW things, but what I've been working on most intensively is an IA story because I fell haaaard into a 'I will roast canon at 365 degrees and carve it for juicy bits' type of plot idea.

(spoilers for the Imperial Agent character story and agent-specific Shadow of Revan stuff under the cut)

I finished the Agent story last month and honestly had a blast playing it--I tend to play a lot of uptight professional men, and was like 'you know what? I'm going to do something different.' Hence, Pravin Winscliff II: charming snarkster, professional liar, unabashed slut, and state-sponsored murderer who in spite of his vices nevertheless seemed to always pick the heroic option when a really good What You Are In The Dark moment reared its head. I took the 'Batman' ending with him, and was honestly more attached to his Intelligence coworkers than the companions, so I was really pleased to have them show back up in SoR.

And then that parting conversation with Shara if you romance her? 'You'd be the same woman I've admired all this time. The same woman I'd cross a galaxy to protect.' Fuck me UP with that shit. I needed so much more of them, okay.

Hence, this! Had an idea where instead of assisting after the fact, he's straight up involved in the shipjacking to get her back (and having a lot of complex feelings about being called back for one last job by the Empire after...well. Everything.) Tweaked Lana's story to get her involved too because I just generally like her.

The shadowport, by design, was difficult to spot from orbit unless one knew what to look for—nestled among mountains in a stretch of Klatooinian desert, isolated from civilization. Pravin had found out about it from a client on Bothawui when asking about discreet trading posts, and given Lana’s request for planetary coordinates the place hadn’t been on Sith Intelligence’s radar either. Not that they had any jurisdiction there, of course: Klatooine sat on the bleeding edge of Hutt Space, its few urban centers closed to outsiders, one of the final stops before one crossed fully into the Empire.

Picking a place had been a lengthy negotiation, punctuated by Pravin’s insistence that rural Imperial worlds and disputed territories were not, in fact, “neutral locations”. The minister hadn’t wanted to travel too far afield, and Pravin hadn’t wanted to risk showing his face somewhere that the Imperial authorities could act with relative impunity. He was a Cipher off his leash, after all, a man without a country; his very existence an affront to the Imperial vision. Generous platitudes didn’t change that fact.

He’d flown in a day early, just him and Vector in his shoddy, nondescript shuttle, taking time to scope out the port. These sorts of meetings were best done where people were expected to gather, and in little time he’d pinpointed a cantina comprised of a rowdy bar and some high-backed booths. He wrote out directions to the restaurant, sent them to Lana’s number, and waited.

The response came: Confirmed. Requesting approach clearance, ETA 30 min.

See you there, Pravin replied.

He snagged a table while Vector parked himself at the end of the bar, facing the door; close enough to intervene if something went wrong. Darkness had set in outside; it was something like 20 hours local time, though places like this were usually open continuously. He had no idea what time his body thought it was, given all his recent travel; he’d slept a good while on the ship earlier but still seemed fuzzy and fatigued. Probably a bit of stim withdrawal. Rolling his shoulders, he could feel the ache.

He patted his pockets, only to find that he’d left the syringes behind in his cabin. Sighing, he ordered a caf.

Vector caught his attention as he put his lips to the foam of the drink. He gave an acknowledging nod.

The former minister was dressed more casually than Pravin had ever seen him, in a leather jacket and scarf with a flat cap shading his face. He slid into opposite side of the booth, stripping his gloves finger by finger, and regarded Pravin expectantly.

“Hello, Nine.”

“Hello, you old bastard,” Pravin said with a smirk. “What am I supposed to call you now? The once and future minister? The minister dowager?”

“I see you haven’t lost your charm,” the man replied evenly.

“I see you haven’t grown a sense of humor.” Pravin leaned back against the seat cushion. “And here I’d thought retirement might’ve softened you up.”

[magicmoontea]

Illuminated Fantasies (1/2)

Characters: Beckett Harrington x f!MC (Iris Atwood), Pend Pals

Rating: M, Language and sexual themes, topics of mental health

Word Count: 5760 ~Less than 20 min read (A bit longer, I couldn’t help myself!)

Summary: It’s the Summer Solstice and Iris and the Pend Pals are celebrating! Feeling her Sun magick growing on this day, Iris struggles within herself to keep a balance between her unchecked fears and fantasies from bursting out.

Notes: This takes place after book 2, and ignores Winter’s past. Beckett and Iris (f!MC) remained friends throughout their time at Penderghast and never pushed it further than harmless flirting. I wanted to make Iris feel more relatable as I felt like they gave her too much power, so I ran with it. If angsty reads aren’t your thing, this might not be for you. This is my very first fic posted online, so I’d love to hear what you thought  <3

Part two coming soon!

Created for @choicesaprilchallenge​ - Fantasy day 28

Everything inside of the brilliant Sun-Att hummed beautifully and yet unmistakably powerful and intense at the same time. She could sense the strength of her Sun magick growing stronger and radiating powerfully as it was the early morning of the Summer Solstice. Iris felt the weight of her immense pure Sun magick.

She had woken up before the sunrise, drenched in sweat, even with her air magick spells flowing around her bedroom, and could feel her heart racing against her chest. To Iris’ surprise, she was also glowing a warm golden hue without any effort making light rays dance across the walls. She sat up and wiped the wild platinum blonde strands that clung to her forehead and clutched her heart and tried to slow her breath. The glow eventually faded and ultimately the pressure in her chest went along with it. If she was being honest with herself, it was all starting to wear her thin.

Iris had been spending her time nurturing her newfound relationship with her mom/not intimidating at all Sun Source. There was so much to unpack with all information she was given the last few weeks of her second year at Penderghast. It was overwhelming at times to remember that not that long ago she had no idea magick truly existed, and she built her reality, thought patterns, and idea of herself around the idea that she was unordinary, powerless to change her situation and truly doesn’t belong.

She’d be lying if she said all those feelings disappeared when she found her magick within her, practiced and came to the powerful place she is today. It was incredibly hard for Iris to shake certain thoughts she had about herself since childhood and what her role to other people was supposed to be.

Being half Sun source didn’t change the fact that for a long time she struggled with dark thoughts about herself that shadowed her mind. Sun will bring shade, and her heart definitely carried that darkness that she buried with positivity and hope for a safe place for her to truly belong one day. Her caretakers were good people but she had spent many nights alone in her room in a whole other world in her mind.

Iris grew up a lonely only child, and she couldn’t talk to anyone about how she just felt different and that it kept her up at night. That her emotions were so strong at times that she felt she was going to burst, and that she went through such high and lows with them. She was told consistently that it was part of growing up, and she learned to accept that true happiness and belonging happened to other people, not her. It was just the cards she was dealt in life.

After meeting and finding out about Atlas and developing a quick bond with her to fill the years they were apart made Iris feel truly happy for a while. However, after a while, she clung to the idea that this was her family and so this must be who she really is, and it fed into Iris' terrible habit of codependency. It was so much easier in her head to have people tell you who you are and how to respond because you were never allowed to explore those options on your own.

So needless to say, she was freaking the hell out with the information that she and Atlas were half Source. What did that mean for her future? How did being half Source change the paths she took in life and how her magick looks like in the future? When Iris allowed herself to be truly honest with herself, there were times she felt terrified of the power she possessed.

For a while, she didn’t feel worthy of her magick after finding out she was Attuned to an extremely rare attunement as people have gone their whole lives knowing and practicing magick and not having half the power she does. She didn't feel like she deserved the praises from teachers that either taught her or didn't as she easily combined her natural talent and years of being a tuneless scholar, let alone deserving of or being even capable of being a half Source.

She knew she had no choice but to accept who she was, but it was a difficult journey that caused so much doubt and fear. Iris was still just getting a good grip and control on her refractionary magick’s effect on her body let alone have enough energy to deal with the heavy fact that she was half Source, the responsibility of having Kane's tether, and having every single person looking at your every move wondering what the great Sun-Att will do next when in reality she has no fucking idea what she's doing.

Tonight, she guessed she was only getting 3 hours of sleep as her body was full of adrenaline from it being the most powerful day to be a Sun-Att. Annoyed that she wasn’t able to enjoy the comfort of her own bed as long as she’d like, Iris decided to make the most of her extra Sun magick energy and practice her prescience. She hoped she’d be able to burn some energy off as she wouldn’t be able to sit still with that much magick that wanted to pour out.

Sitting up and crossing her legs in the lotus position, Iris took calming breaths. It didn’t take long to feel the connection to the sun, even as the sun was just starting the early stages of sunrise. Her magick was powerful and strong and she knew from previous prescience practices, that it really isn’t practice at all, prescience will do what it wants when it wants. The more you work with it, the more it becomes more than a gut feeling, but you can’t just pull it whenever you please.

That’s why she was trying to use her prescience this morning of the Summer Solstice to invite that heightened connection and welcome prescience to happen freely to continue a vision she has earlier that week. She had been minding her own business a few days ago prior and felt her entire body flush with goosebumps like she was just exiting a cold movie theater into a warm summer day. With all the advanced practices with her mom, Theia, and Dean Swan, she knew that she was getting a vision.

It wasn’t a long vision, but she was floored with how genuinely happy she felt in it, and how that effect lasted throughout the waking hours. She spent the rest of the day fantasizing about it and being terrified to dissect it further because that would mean thinking about something, she pushed down first year: how she truly felt about her best friend Beckett. And she wasn't sure if she could handle that.

In her vision was Beckett, illuminated by the glow of a magical fire, beamed at her with such tenderness he reserves just for her and brushed her hair behind her ears. Then it faded away no matter how hard she tried to stay with it and focus.

With each thought that took over Iris’ mind over those next days, one thing was becoming more and more clear to her: that she was lying to herself about how she felt about him. She never took the time to challenge the butterflies in her stomach when her fingers grazed his when he handed her an ingredient for a potion or how his freckles dancing on his cheeks when he smiled at her made behind her knees sweaty, or that she felt like he was one of the only people who truly listened to her, and didn’t put any expectation of what she should be regardless of magick potential.

There was a time early in her time at Penderghast that she knew that she was attracted to him and spent many nights allowing herself to fantasize about him and what it would be like to hear him moan and make him feel like he can lose control for one night of ecstasy with her. She always came quickly on her soaking fingers then, biting her lip from crying out his name and as if that would make the situation less awkward tomorrow when she saw him in class. As she learned that she needed him to be there for her emotionally and in her life more than she could have ever guessed, she stopped any thoughts or impulse based on pure lust that would risk losing him.

She knew part of the reason they had such a good bond was that they both had similar struggles. No, Harrington’s wealthy upscale lifestyle and his ability to be such a prick in the beginning definitely didn’t help, but as time went on it became more obvious that he was running from something in himself, too: constant perfection.

If Iris traced back to when she no longer could deny the surge of pure emotion she got when she was by Beckett, it was when he ended up in the hospital creating a ward to save her from Kane. She would have without a doubt died without him. She was beyond grateful. The look he gave her when he asked her if she was okay made her realize that this amazing man truly cared about her.

Even after she put him through a fight with a psychopath killer Raife, cried on his shoulders numerous times and suffered massive panic attacks in front of him before fighting for her life at 19, beat him in magickal competitions revolving topics she just heard about, or after he saw the dustiest parts of her soul and stared back unflinchingly, he still cared.

Iris never thought that Beckett could actually care about her in that way though. She never saw any signs besides his blushing inexperienced geek self-antics whenever she teased him, but always pushed that away so she wouldn’t get hurt. Deep down she had a terrible fear that she would never be good enough for someone as smart and well established as him as she still viewed herself as someone who ungracefully barged herself into a world she knew nothing about and was given a substantial amount of the magickal powers without deserving them.

Pulling herself back into the present moment, Iris took another breath feeling the connection to the sun growing stronger as the sun started to rise more. She desperately wanted to see more of a vision of tonight, as she deduced that the magickal fire she saw in the earlier vision was going to be the ritual Summer Solstice fire from the get together Shreya was having later.

She then focused her attention on thoughts of the party this afternoon, Beckett, and herself. Having a good feeling plus the power of the sun on Summer Solstice sparked that extra confidence Iris needed to make it work.

Then it started to happen. Feeling like she just received amazing news, she felt her whole-body spark with energy. Her body began to hum and tingle as goosebumps danced their way across her freckles and skin. White lights appeared at the corners of her eyes as a vision was starting to come through.

When the vision played out in Iris’ head, her toes curled underneath her legs on the bed and she audibly gasped. Her body temperature rose greatly at what she just saw, and she felt her body become flushed. She has no idea what she has to do to make that vision come true, but she will do whatever it takes.

For starters, she figured it wouldn’t hurt to change her outfit tonight to the black sundress with the mini golden suns, and flowers that she saw laying on the floor of the vision.

-----------------------------

“Okay, so now who is going to clean this up?” Shreya asked jokingly as she looked around her large kitchen and the mess the Pend Pals had made while baking traditional ginger and cinnamon Summer Solstice cookies. There was more flour on the ground than in the cookies themself, but they couldn’t help but throwing some flour in the air and having each one take turns running their magick through it to create different effects. All for healthy competition of course.

“Oh, I know of an excellent cleaning spell that can clean this mess easily.” Beckett offered to help as he looked around at their mess as well as Atlas currently making a snow flour angel on the ground. Not being in the best mood today since it was the hardest day to be a Moon-Att, Iris smiled at her sister enjoying herself.

“Don’t be silly. My parents said not to worry about cleanup at all after my party. They just wanted me to have fun celebrating with my BFF Sun-Att’s favorite day!” Shreya said happily, feeling the many toasts to the sun, she made the group do earlier.

Iris smiled sheepishly. “I’m glad you’re fine with sharing the day. I know being a Fire-Att gets your magick all pumped up today as well, so it’s about you, too. Besides, I had plenty of time practicing my sun Magick with my Sun Source mom earlier. Which is still so weird to say by the way.”

“She’s the best!!!” Atlas sang from the ground, and everyone gave each other a knowing look and smirk, Atlas was quickly feeling her drinks as well as all ofer energy was used to muster any magick. She got up and waited for Iris to cast an Air spell to clean her off like she had earlier since “Atlas’ energy needed to be saved at all costs”.

Her energy is saved for more drinking, Iris thought. Plus, she was sure she loved having her to boss around.

“I still can’t believe you can hang out with Sources all day!” Zeph proclaimed and Griffin agreed in and expressed their well-known feelings again making Iris’ stomach do flip flops. She didn’t like the kind of attention it brought.

“It’s not all that great, really. Nome and my mom are the ones I see the most and they barely can remember what it’s like to be in a human form half the time. It’s bizarre. But, I appreciate it. I do say though, they are working me to death with training and skill enhancing.” Iris rolled her eyes and welcomed the fresh air as they made their way back outside into the now summer night.

Shreya had really outdone herself with decorating her large, luscious backyard for just her friends to come over. Shreya never did anything half-assed, and of course had magickal snacks, foods, and drinks that cost more than Iris wanted to think about. She had asked for Iris’ help, however, on the finishing decorating touches: hundreds of warm orbs flowing and glowing throughout the air to create the mood.

“You’re planning on sharing that knowledge with me, correct?” Beckett asked with terror clear on his features. Iris couldn’t help but smile at him and for the hundredth time that night already, get flustered by the things she never allowed herself to before. Blaming the extra Sun Magick, her prescience vision, or just her unchecked desires, Iris decided to go with it.

“Of course. Atlas is way too good at the Moon spells already obviously, so I’m going to need someone to compete with. And win against of course.” She bumped her shoulder into his playfully, and she could see the tips of his ears turning pink. Just like the good ole days.

Her vision from this morning came crashing back to her: Beckett kissing in her underwear like his life depended on it, with her sundress on the ground. She knew that not every vision comes true, and that not every vision necessarily is what the future holds. She could have very well thrown off her prescience with her evolving attraction to Beckett that was at the forefront of her mind for the past couple days. But she was going to try to look for any sign that it may happen, and more importantly that he wanted it to happen.

“I actually have a really fun spell for us to try with the fire we make tonight?” Iris spoke and looked at Atlas knowing that she would be for it.

“Are you talking about the spell we were just taught?” Atlas actually looked excited. “I think I should have enough energy for that. But I don’t know, Iris, you might have to be my personal magickal assistant for a bit longer though.”

Iris stuck out her tongue as a response to her twin and continued to the others, “It’s a really fun spell that uses the emotional nature of the Moon and the affirmative nature of the Sun and it actually shows what you fantasize most. So you cast intention onto something gets thrown into water, fire, over a cliff or whatever as long as it disappears and so it can come back to you with what your heart fantasizes.”

“Or you don’t cast intention and the spell only shows you that you fantasize a really good sandwich.” Atlas retorts back laughing on her past experiences.

“That is true.” Iris smiled remembering her first experience. “I didn’t really want to think about anything major the first time, and focused on just practicing the spell, too. It showed me a nice bed with the window open for a slight breeze. I guess my body just needed sleep.” Iris shrugged and continued a bit softer as she spoke, “Then I tried it when I was in a shitty mood, and I fantasized a day where no one knew my name or who I’ve fought and had any expectations of me.”

The group got a little quiet after Iris’ statement and she could feel a pair of grey eyes on her as she sat next to him. She smiled to lighten up the mood scolding herself for being a damper. “So let’s make sure we have a lot of fun before hand, and knowing us that won’t be a problem.”

Shreya’s mouth dropped open in shock and spoke, “A spell that plays out your fantasy in front of you? Um yes! Sign me up. I’ve been thinking about this eye candy that shops near one of my favorite boutiques a lot lately.”

She wiggled her eyes up and down, and Beckett and Zeph sighed poking fun at their friend at the same time, looked at each other and high fived each other laughing.

“I’m SO happy that I won’t be able to see that play before me. I’m already weak as is tonight.” Atlas retorted taking her seat around the bonfire area as well.

Everyone did their part to contribute to the bonfire, and they could feel the warm magickal effect flowing through each of them as it began to blaze brightly.  Shreya used her Fire magick to make the fire have beautiful color changing effects, casting a vibrant glow on everyone’s faces.

The group began to bond quickly over the time they hadn’t seen each other and laughed over stupid things each other has done and drank plenty of drinks mixed magickal mood enhancers as the night wore on. They were playing a game of blind enhancements: where basically you take a magickal drink not knowing the magickal effects. Shreya ensured the frantic Beckett multiple times that she wouldn’t put an enhancement in there that ‘wasn’t fun’. Not feeling super comforted with that answer, Beckett still played and even found himself sitting there blazer off, sleeves rolled up and laughing until his stomach hurt at the different situations that arose.  

Aster began to speak a different language for a whole turn, Zeph’s skin turned green for 20 minutes, Griffin felt a strong urge to sing loudly and Shreya went through a fit of hysterical laughter. Atlas was even a good sport when her drink made her want to dance wildly and hiccup every other word.

There was one particular drink that Beckett had taken and remained suspiciously quiet for a while after. Iris couldn’t help but notice the fidgeting Attuned next to her and his blushing ear tips when she had pressed her thigh against his for a brief moment. She wouldn’t call him on it until later when they were alone, but she knew that he didn’t get a “bashful” one.

They switched over to playing ‘Never Have I Ever’ and enjoyed embarrassing one another. They had started with easy questions, but leave it to Atlas to break the seal with, “Never have I had sex with the lights on. Having sex in the day doesn’t count”.

Zeph laughed and said, “It’s never been better to be asexual”.  

Aster blushed furiously at the topic but didn’t take a drink. Shreya and Griffin took a drink quickly.  Iris snuck a quick drink to avoid attention to her and conversations about her sex life, but noticed that Beckett didn’t take a drink.

Iris mind began to wonder again to Beckett’s sex life. A topic they never talked about. Was he a virgin and if not how experienced was he? How many people has he been with? What does he enjoy in bed?

Beckett cleared his throat indicating he has asked a question, and she noticed that everyone stopped talking. Blushing furiously, she realized she hadn’t been paying attention to what was going on.

“I’m sorry, I missed what you said.” She blushed harder even though she tried not to as Beckett looked at her in the eyes.

Then it happened. Her vision came to life. He smiled so wide that his eyes were smiling, too. He showed her such tenderness in his smile that it felt so much better than her vision to be on the receiving end. He leaned forward and tucked the wild strand behind her hair.

“That’s okay. You obviously were having a very important thought. I tend to know a thing or two about those.” His eyes held a little mischief like he knew, and she was worried that he could somehow read her mind. “What I had asked before was, do you think it’s the right time to successfully implement the fantasy spell?”

“Yeah, no time like the present.” Iris felt herself beaming at him and looking at him with her heart on her sleeve, not caring that her intuitive twin would definitely be asking about why she was looking at him like that later. Beckett’s blush reached his cheek at the same time the magickal fire glowed a beautiful magenta hue, illuminating his face  and highlighting his blush in a stunning way. She felt her heart skip a beat.

Shreya who was getting more drunk by the minute, spoke loudly interrupting their moment. “I’M SO READY!”  

Iris smiled at her best friend enjoying the night and complimenting herself on how great the party she threw was going. Iris wasn’t feeling anything more than buzzed as her Sun Magick was working her energy and metabolism quickly, but she didn’t mind. If she was going to have any part of her vision come true tonight, she wanted to be clear headed.

“Okay, everyone have their stick they’re going to cast their intentions with?” Everyone nodded and grabbed their twig they picked out earlier. “Okay, now take a moment to take a couple deep breaths before I cast the spell to ground yourself.” As everyone closed their eyes, Iris couldn’t help but peek at Beckett before taking her own grounding breaths.

Standing up with Atlas who stood on the other end of the fire, they began to recite the powerful spell.  Everyone’s stick began to illuminate a bright magickal golden hue and rise by the energy of the spell. Then each stick flew into the fire one by one, casting a puff of colorful smoke.

Iris felt the corners of her eyes grow blindingly bright as she was pulled into her spell’s fantasy. The vision began to unfold. She found herself sleeping in bed, breeze blowing through a quiet bedroom. The peace and quiet was soon challenged as vision Iris sat straight up in bed gasping, waking from a night terror.

Stirring next to her was another body and to her heart’s pleasure sat up Beckett, tousled hair from sleep, rubbing her shoulders kissing them lazily and softly.

“Bad dream, baby?” His voice thick with sleep asked vision Iris as she leaned into his touch and nodded. He enveloped her into a large hug and slowly brought her back to lay down in bed. She rested her head on his heart, and he stroked her hair.

“I’m here. No one will hurt you as long as I’m here. You’re safe. I’m not going anywhere. Ever.” His gentle voice and soft kisses to her head pulled her back to sleep.

Iris was pulled back to reality gasping trying to get a bearings of her surroundings again. She looked around to her friends who were wearing excited faces and started to chatter about what they saw in their own fantasties. Aster was giddy with delight seeing her excel in Attuned Magick and Zeph had fantasies about being the new Thief captain.

Shreya then began to talk about the love story that folded into her fantasy and that racy novelists should just contact her now, she has a best seller. Iris felt herself fading away more and more from the group as her mind began to unravel.

She felt the ringing in her ears getting louder as a toxic thought kept repeating over and over: “you’ll never be good enough for that fantasy to be real. That happens to other people. Not you. He could never care about someone like you. Someone who doesn’t even deserve to have this immense power circulating through you right now. Someone who can’t even control it properly. Who has no idea what they are doing. You can’t do this.”

Iris stood up abruptly then Sun magick bursting through her as her magick and mind threatened to spiral, shocking her friends slightly at the sudden movement and bright light that briefly casted them.

“I….I...I don’t feel well.” Was the best Iris could make out. Her breaths were becoming staggered and shallow, and she felt the continuous intense rolling pressure in her chest and body that her anxiety brought. “Bathroom.” She bolted her way away from her friends, and could faintly hear Griffin laugh and say, “TMI” as she made her way into Shreya’s house.

She didn’t want anyone to follow her, and she wasn’t particularly sure where anything was in Shreya’s large house. So she just continued to walk down the gorgeous marble hallway down to the other end of the house hoping that the walk will calm her and her mind.

She rounded the corner and made her way down a second hallway to the back of the house. Stopping by the luxurious sunroom, Iris decided that this was a good place to hide and recoup. She admired the bright furniture and enchanted ceiling to have vines and other beautiful floral hanging below gracefully. Her Water magick hummed with delight when she saw the fountain and magickal rain that occurred for the plants every so often. Running her fingers in the fountain and casting little light orbs to follow her magickally started to make her feel at ease already.

Feeling foolish for how she left and having the fantasy affect her this much, Iris chastised herself again. She just wanted to be normal. Funny, she long hated her life before magick, but she envied the simplicity of just wanting to belong. She still didn’t feel like she belonged and now had a world of responsibility and power and everyone telling her where they think she belongs and watching her every move. Maybe she wasn’t able to handle this, and she didn’t know if she could let everyone down. She began to cry softly.

“I’m sorry.” Iris stated out loud to no one in particular feeling pathetic.

“Hey, no need for that.” Beckett spoke softly startling Iris at his entrance to the room. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. You had been gone for a bit, and I could tell something was wrong, so I wanted to find you. Don’t worry, the others think I’m admiring the flora in the front garden.”

“How did you find me?” Iris said sniffling and wiping her eyes to compose herself in front of someone who always looked so well kempt.

“It’s funny how you don’t even have to try, but it’s as if you are my magnet. I find myself being able to feel your energy and magick quite easily.” Beckett explained and made his way to sit next to her on the large couch.

“You’re being too sweet because I freaked out back there. You don’t have to baby me. I know I’m crazy.” Iris spoke and hated how self deprecating she sounded. He shifted his body to look at her face forcing her to meet him in the eyes.

“Don’t ever say that about yourself. You’re not crazy. You just spend so much time taking care of others, that when you take care of yourself it feels strange.” He said matter of factly, and she cursed his brilliant brain for being right all the time.

“I hate the attention being on me. I can’t stand the pressure anymore, Beck. It’s all getting to me. I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. Atlas wants to go head first into the whole half-Source life, and I’m sitting here fucking terrified! I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve all this power.” Iris broke her facade that she was strong and doing well and began to sob into Beckett’s arms.

He took her into his arms and tightened the hug holding her like he was the glue keeping her together. He stroked her hair and let her cry and let out her emotions she desperately needed to release. He gave comforting noises but didn’t try to stop her from feeling. He made her feel validated for being upset.

After she her crying slowed down, she stayed for a while breathing in Beckett’s scent and just feeling his warm strong hand caressing her back soothingly. She reluctantly pulled back after a while, and she was so close to him that she could count all his freckles.

“I’m so-” Iris began to apologize and Beckett gently put his finger to her mouth to silence her. She couldn’t help but feel the electricity that sparked through her as he touched her lips.

“Don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. I want to be here for you, through thick and thin.” He stared at her face as if he was having a long conversation with himself before he continued speaking.

“You deserve everything that makes you happy. It pains me greatly to see you like this. To think that you don’t feel the way you brighten everyone’s lives. That you can’t see that your warmth stays with people for hours and how no one forgets all the times you’ve been there for them. You take on every challenge with everything you have, Iris. You’ve been through terrible situations no one should ever be in, but yet you’re in them again and again with people asking too much of you. And you give to them! You give everything you have to every person, and you’re still able to find the spark in the darkest room because that’s how incredible you are! You’re there for Atlas but she can’t be there for you emotionally. You’re there for Shreya but there is always going to be that distance between you guys because you can’t relate. Iris, when the hell are you there for yourself?”

Knowing that Iris wasn’t actually going to answer that question, Beckett’s cheeks blushed as he spoke, “No matter. I will be there for you whenever you aren’t there for yourself to remind you how amazing you are.”

Iris just stared at her friend in shock that not only did someone think of her that way, but that Beckett thought of her that way. Her lip started to quiver as she was overcome with intense emotion and Beckett cupped her face. They had never shared such an intimate and raw moment, and Iris felt her heart and soul fall even more head over heels in love with the man in front of her. The man who wanted to be her light for her when she couldn’t find her own.

“Thank you.” Was all she could croak out as she took an audible gulp.  After a moment of comfortable silence and steadying her breath she continued, “You know, Beck. I couldn’t have made it this far without you. I’m so grateful to have you in my life. You make me feel like I can figure out who I am and be allowed to fail, and I can’t even begin to tell you how amazing that feels.”

She smiled at him and allowed herself to show the person she cared for most just how much she cared in her eyes. She rested her hands against his thigh, and she could hear his breath hitch. She didn’t want to be afraid of rejection and losing him anymore. His thumb brushed against her cheek lightly, and he didn’t make any moves to move apart. She could feel his breath hitting her lips and she enjoyed the way his aroma began to engulf her as well.

“I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. It’s crazy but I’d do just about anything to keep you safe. I can’t pull myself away from you, and I don't think I want to try anymore” Beckett spoke softly blushing lightly at his confession. She felt her chest tighten and her mind wanted to tell her that is was a lie, but a part of her that she was so tired of fighting, wanted it to be true.

“Beckett…” Iris breathed and found herself lost at words, feeling her magick drawing herself even closer to him. He was intoxicating.

“Can you tell me something, Iris?” Beckett asked her and she would just about give him anything he wanted now.

“Of course.”

“Obviously something you saw in the fantasy made you a bit upset. Do you mind telling me what it was?” He sheepishly asked and she could tell this flustered him a bit instantly making her wonder what his was. She tried to control her body temperature, so she didn’t give anything anyway.

“It wasn’t a bad fantasy or vision. It just made me a bit sad because I desperately wanted it to be my future, but I have a terrible fear that it would never happen. It hurts too much to think about that.” Iris took a deep breath and looked down at her lap and thanked all the energy the Summer Solstice brought to give her the courage she needed to say what she wanted out loud.

“What was it, Iris?” The vulnerability in his voice made her tear her gaze from her lap and look into his grey eyes that were heavy with emotion.

“Beckett…” Iris felt her face getting warmer as she spoke, “My fantasy was that you loved me.”

[monstersdownthepath]

Milestone Spotlight: Deskari, Lord of the Locust Host

Chaotic Evil Demon Lord of Chasms, Infestations, and Locusts

Domains: Chaos, Destruction, Evil, War Subdomains: Blood, Catastrophe, Demon, Tactics

The Complete Book of the Damned, pg. 42~43

Obedience: Meditate while allowing insects or worms of any type to crawl upon your body. If no such vermin is available, you must instead lie facedown in a trench dug into soil and mouth prayers to Deskari into the dirt while scratching yourself with sharp bits of bone or wood. Benefit: Gain a +4 profane bonus on saving throws against disease and against effects caused by Vermin.

Have a buggy familiar? Done. Don’t have one, but a party member does? Done. No one have a buggy familiar? Keep some bugs as a pet; done. Can’t? Well then this gets a little harder. Plopping yourself down besides an anthill is unfeasible for multiple days in a row, not to mention dangerous to your health if they believe you’re a carcass that must be scavenged. Sometimes, you can just dig straight down a little bit to find some nice worms to plop right onto your chest for an hour, though heaping loose soil on yourself every day has dangers of its own.

Not as many as the secondary option, though. The wording here implies that you can’t use mud or sand, though your DM may be a bit more lenient here because it also requires you to scratch yourself to pieces with sharpened wood and bone. Thankfully you don’t need a carved knife or anything so complex, you can just snap a branch off a tree or somesuch if you need to (and bones are always available for adventurers!), but covering yourself in bleeding scratches every day will likely get people wondering what on earth you’re doing each time you vanish for an hour, which can lead to numerous uncomfortable questions. Unlike many Demon Lords, Deskari is known all across the Inner Sea Region because he’s responsible for the Worldwound, one of the greatest threats to life on the entire planet, and as such if you’re publicly found to be one of his followers? Roll up a new sheet, bud. It only gets harder if you use literally any of Deskari’s Boon abilities in public, too.

The added danger of worshiping one of the most prominent Demon Lords in the setting can make for an experience that’s both interesting and potentially hair-pulling, because you’ve got to make extra sure not to have your faith revealed to the authorities of a given settlement. At the very least, dropping bug-infested soil onto your body each day to perform the first ritual could be explained away as you communing with nature or the earth, rather than the insects within the earth, but carving up your own skin while laying facedown in a hole is a pretty big red flag. ... Also, now that I think about it, if you’re facedown in a hole, it’d be pretty difficult to scratch anything but your back and sides, right? Hm.

The benefit is low-tier. Diseases are rarely too much of a danger if you have any sort of caster in your party, though stopping them before they begin will save you a bit of gold in the long run. A universal saving throw bonus against the abilities of an entire creature type would be fantastic if that creature type wasn’t Vermin, who are known for A) disease and B) poison and little else. In Deskari’s favor, this bonus does indeed apply to the Distraction ability of most swarming Vermin, so a bit of extra help to avoid being Nauseated is always welcome.

Boons are acquired slowly: the first once you reach 12 hit dice, the second at 16, and the third at 20. However, the Evangelist, Exalted, and Sentinel Prestige Classes can be entered as early as level 7; doing so grants you the Boons at levels 10, 13, and 16 instead. Servants of demons may also take the Demoniac Prestige Class; you don’t get the Boons any faster than E/E/S, but you may select which Boon set you get, and you get cool demon-related powers!

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EVANGELIST

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Boon 1: Locusts’ Gifts. Gain Jump 3/day, Acid Arrow 2/day, or Fly 1/day

Why bother looking at Jump when Fly is an option? Granted, getting affected with Jump at level 10 (the earliest you can get this spell) means you can, among other things, clear a 30ft gap with no effort and get yourself an Eight Foot Vertical Leap... But flight will always be infinitely more useful. The biggest difference is that, while they last the same amount of time (1 min/level), you get Jump 3/day. It’s really up to you if Eight Foot Vertical Leap three times a day would be more useful for your character than a 60ft fly speed once a day, though to me, staying out of an enemy’s reach is always preferable.

Acid Arrow is alright in that respect. The damage it deals is pathetically low, but it’s repeated damage that cannot be resisted once it begins (unless the victim can jump in some water immediately) and both castings of the spell can stack together to make the damage stack on. I personally can’t think of a reason you’d take it over Fly, though.

Boon 2: Avatar of the Locust Host. 1/day, you can cast Verminous Transformation as a spell-like ability; the swarming parts of your body are comprised of locusts, and your swarm attack deals double damage to Plant creatures.

For 1 round/level, you transmute portions of your body into swarming locusts that can chow down on up to four Medium targets (or one Large+ target) within 10ft of you, automatically dealing 4d6 damage and forcing the victim to make a Fortitude save (10+1/2 your HD+Cha mod) or take 1d3 Con and Str damage from poison. Spooky! It also forces you into melee range more or less, but your swarm form also means you only take half damage from piercing and slashing attacks!

Also, it hits four targets for automatic damage. If you find yourself in a melee you want no part of, suddenly exploding into locusts and harrying your foes can break their morale in a hurry. Slapping four enemies at once means you can easily chew through smaller foes while damaging larger ones without the usual dangers of using AoE magic (like hitting allies), and 4d6 is a nice sweet spot of being a good chunk of damage without it being overpowering. And, again, it’s automatic; no attack roll needed, with the only interactions being the enemy HP going down and them rolling versus your poison. Being stuck in melee while your bugs are literally eating the enemy’s Str bit by bit doesn’t sound so bad, all of a sudden!

I like the touch that it deals double damage to Plant monsters, because if any intelligent Plant creature sees you turn into a swarm of locusts, they’re probably going to stop fighting immediately. The downside to this ability is that it lasts only 1 round/level and can only be used 1/day, so it may fall into Too Awesome To Use territory, though I’d personally unleash it any time I was facing a group of enemies that was even slightly challenging.

Boon 3: Infestation of the Flesh. 1/day as a standard action, you can transform into a Hellwasp Swarm for up to 8 hours. You gain Swarm traits (including immunity to weapon damage), a swarm attack, and the Hellwasp’s poison, Distraction, and Inhabit abilities. While in this form, you cannot perform any actions that the swarm could not perform; this includes casting spells with somatic components and wielding weapons or items. While not using the swarm’s Inhabit ability, you can return to your normal form as a full-round action. This is a Polymorph effect.

Heurghh, nasty. For your enemies, of course! You’re perfectly fine.

The fact you gain these abilities rather than just replacing your statblock with that of the Swarm makes me think that this means it runs largely on how other Polymorph spells in PF works; namely, your statblock largely remains the same, but new stuff is stapled onto it. If this is true, it means that your swarm damage is 4d6 rather than 3d6 (and increases to 5d6 once you hit 20 HD), and your poison and Distraction have a save of (10+1/2 your HD+your Con mod) rather than what a Vanilla Hellwasp Swarm possesses. Nice!

The real important bit here, though, is that you have the swarm’s Inhabit ability. Suddenly, any enemy that’s not outright killed is an unholy vessel for your power. Your poor victims are eternally Dominated by your presence until an outside source either kills them or expels you, or you finally eat their Constitution to 0 after a few hours. Even then, though, you continue puppeting their corpse around like a second skin, shielding yourself from attacks as you march to find a better body. If you don’t really need your spells or items, you can spend a full adventuring day walking around inside other people’s skin 

Dominating your victim means you can use all of their powers for your own evil benefit, so if that wizard you just knocked out still has spell slots left? If that troll is still kicking? If that dragon just recharged its breath weapon? All yours to command. Plus, even if your other foes kill your new shell, you continue to animate their corpse to use as a beatstick or an extra mountain of flesh to protect your insectoid form.

It takes a full minute to inhabit a victim, so you can’t just jump from shell to shell in the middle of a pitched battle, but you know what you can do? Jump from shell to shell all day until just before you reach the final boss, and then hop out and reform, basically fresh as a daisy with all your resources ready to tear into them. It’s very hard to take meaningful damage while inhabiting a shell, so while the rest of your party is nearly tuckered out and running on fumes and what few resources they could cling to, you’re likely barely below 75% health and have spent exactly one (1) of your dailies for the current session.

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EXALTED

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Boon 1: Swarming Susurrus. Gain Inflict Light Wounds 3/day, Summon Swarm 2/day, or Summon Monster III (Vermin only) 1/day.

Inflight Light Wounds has already fallen off by this point, useful only to patch up any Undead allies you may have to keep them on their feet, Summon Swarm can be dangerous to use unless you conjure it at maximum range, as the swarms are indiscriminate in their tide of destruction. The Vermin-only restriction on Summon Monster III means you’re likely going to be stuck summoning Fiendish Giant Ants or a pair of Fiendish Giant Centipedes to aid you. In either case, their usefulness in combat is minor if you’re fighting foes of a similar CR to your level, with the main selling point being that their mindlessness means an enemy Enchanter cannot control them and turn them against you.

All three of these are fairly underwhelming, but Summon Swarm is fun to drop directly on an enemy’s space, because it will continue to pursue the closest source of flesh it can--just make sure it’s not yours!

Boon 2: Swarm-Walker. You can walk through any swarm without taking damage or suffering any ill effects—swarms recognize you as one of their own. As long as you stand within a swarm, you gain a +4 profane bonus on initiative checks and saving throws.

Well... I guess that’s alright? I like the idea of monkey swarms, swarms of Beheaded, and masses of Grey Goo all leave you be just as a swarm of ticks or locusts would.

Taking advantage of the Initiative bonus requires conjuring or finding a swarm beforehand, or being ambushed by a swarm that falls upon you. You should be trying to summon things before combat begins anyway (due to most summoning spells taking a full round), though if you have no means of doing so beyond what Deskari has granted you, Summon Swarm is a pathetic way to reap this ability’s benefits as your shield of vermin crawls off to go eat an adjacent ally. You’ll want something more reliable, such as Vomit Swarm or Mad Monkeys (the former even scaling better with your level than Summon Swarm) to invoke this ability, not only making creatures in melee with you regret it, but bolstering your saves against everything by an additional +4.

... But only as long as the swarm lasts, and only while you don’t move outside of it or it moves away, and only as long as your enemies don’t blast you with AoE that kills the swarm instantly, and so on and so forth. It’s a very difficult ability to really take advantage of, and half of its usefulness is completely lost if you’re only inundated in a swarm before combat begins.

Boon 3: Swarm Master. 1/day, you can cast Quickened Insect Plague.

No, no, no no no! Awful! 

Yes, it lets you take better advantage of Swarm-Walker, but this is by no means a good final Boon! Come on, Deskari, if you want our assistance in your fiendish goals, you need to sweeten the deal a little bit here! No one’s going to want to be your Exalted if all you have to offer them is a 1/day wall of wasps!

That’s more or less what this ability is, by the way. It may as well be literally called Wall of Wasps, because your summoned swarms (all five of them) can’t move from the spot they’re summoned in. While they can act as obscuring cover, their low HP (31) will rarely survive a single Fireball or Cone of Cold from a level-appropriate enemy, and the DC 13 save on their poison and Distraction abilities will rarely land on any target you need them to. Both their damage and their poison deal so little damage (2d6 and 1 Dex, respective) that they’re unlikely to keep anyone from just walking through the storm of wasps to get at you,

It’s more for intimidation than anything else, making an enemy rethink coming closer. Intimidation and using the Wasp Ocean to take advantage of Swarm-Walker, and that’s just not good enough in my book.

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SENTINEL

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Boon 1: Split the Earth. Gain Stumble Gap 3/day, Create Pit 2/day, or Spiked Pit 1/day.

I’ve stated my love of the usefulness of Create Pit and Spiked Pit in the past (under the Sentinel Boons), with them being pseudo Save-or-Sucks that can take anything without a decent Strength score or some Climb skill ages to clamber back out of the pit, while you and your allies either deal with other foes, or rain destruction down on them from above. Even if the victim makes their initial save, the pit doesn’t go anywhere, letting you push your targets in one at a time if need be. Since it’s literally just a huge hole in the ground, you can even hurl multiple enemies inside!

Which leaves a unique spell in Stumble Gap. It’s a cute spell, essentially cursing a single 5ft tile with a mobile, extradimensional gap that tries tripping up everyone who enters it. Anyone in the square when you first cast the spell or who enters the square while it’s still in effect must succeed a Reflex save (11+Cha mod) or fall prone into an adjacent square and take 1d6 damage. The real kicker, though? Even succeeding your save against the gap makes you stumble ever-so-slightly... which, for some reason, gives you a -1 penalty to ALL ROLLS AND CHECKS for a full round. Everything from attack rolls to damage rolls to saving throws to Knowledge checks (somehow) suffer a -1 penalty for a full round.

It’s not much, but it’s an interesting consolation prize and a very interesting line of text in what is otherwise a very simple spell. The penalty to every roll they make even on success makes it almost worth taking, if just for the possibility of making a 1-point success into a failure. It’d be difficult to make use of it more than once per casting, but I can see some amusing scenarios arising if you cast it three times in a row to either cover a single 15ft hallway, or in a long line in a 5ft hallway as a crowd of foes behind you trips all over themselves and each other.

Still, for all its potential (comedic and otherwise), I’d stick with the more reliable Create Pit or Spiked Pit.

Boon 2: Planar Wound. 3/day as a standard action, you can strike the ground with a scythe to open a fissure under your feet or the feet of an adjacent Medium or smaller creature (if you target yourself, the rift opens just enough to let you—and only you—through, regardless of your size). This fissure is a planar rift that sends the creature to the Rasping Rifts in the Abyss, as per Plane Shift, except the fissure can transport only one creature and closes instantly after doing so (or after being avoided). An unwilling target can attempt a Reflex save (DC = 10+1/2 HD+Cha mod) to evade the fissure and negate this effect. Flying and levitating creatures are immune to this effect, and a creature capable of flight that is standing on the ground can avoid this effect if it succeeds at a DC 20 Fly check (it can still attempt a Reflex save to avoid the spell if it fails this Fly check). 

im sorry what

did. do you just. you just... you just send them to the Abyss? Like straight up?

There are Save-Or-Die effects in Pathfinder, and then there’s this. This is a step above Save-Or-Die, this is Save-Or-Be-Personally-Delivered-To-A-Demon-Lord-As-A-Plaything. This is Save-Or-Wish-You-Could-Die. If you manage to hit an enemy with this, they have a limited time to Plane Shift anywhere but where they are right now or they’re done. That’s it. On the best of days the Abyss is a hostile place to be, but the Rasping Rifts is close to the Worldwound and thus crawling with demons eager to pounce on the first non-demon creature they see. It’s also the personal realm of Deskari and is flooded with a hive-mind of verminous beasts, and as a level 13 servant, he’s likely to be paying attention to you and everything you do. He’ll know when you’ve sent someone to him.

He may even ask you to. Knock them unconscious or strike them with some form of paralysis and they can’t make their Reflex save, so they’re helplessly delivered right to the Lord of the Locust Host, who himself is a CR 29 horror beyond the hope of a single mortal to beat. The lack of a restriction beyond size means you can make extra use of effects which shrink your enemies down to ruin their lives even further. At the very least, since it operates like Plane Shift, the delivery point isn’t exact; it may take some time for the Demon Lord to find out where its new toy has gotten off to.

A DM wishing (justifiably) to rein this ability in may have Deskari command the Sentinel to hold off on sending just any old victim to the Rifts, and instead focus on specific targets. Of course, a DM can also point out that this ability carries with it the risk of losing out on loot, as your victim takes everything with them when they go. Be wary about using this on someone who’s carrying the Plot Device!

... using it on yourself, by the way, isn’t recommended. I doubt Deskari would tolerate cowardice. Could be an interesting roleplaying opportunity, though, bargaining with the demon horde of the Rasping Rifts, offering to lead them out. Just make sure you do have a way to get back out, because Planar Wound only goes in one direction. I wonder what happens if you use it while already in the Rasping Rifts?

Boon 3: Welcome the Rasping Rifts. 1/day, you can cast Rift of Ruin as a spell-like ability. When the rift closes, each creature still present within the rift must attempt a Will save (against the spell’s save DC = 18+Cha). Creatures that succeed at this save are expelled violently (as normal for the spell), while those that fail are expelled violently into the Rasping Rifts in the Abyss. If you close the rift early to summon creatures, you summon one additional creature of the same type.

For those who don’t know what the Rift of Ruin spell does, the short version is that it’s a souped up Spiked Pit spell. The hole is 5ft wide, 5ft/level long (so 80ft when you first get it), 60ft deep, and loaded with chewing mouths, acidic mist, starving fiends, and all sorts of other Abyssal nasties that make it painful to stay inside the rift. Everyone and everything inside takes 6d6 damage that’s randomly selected from bludgeoning, piercing, slashing, Electricity, Cold, Fire, or Sonic upon entry to the rift and each round they begin inside of it. If the spell ends and everything’s shot out, they take double damage that round and are knocked prone as the rift spits them back out.

So, every good thing I have to say about Pit spells? Say them bigger and louder here. But, that’s not all! Because you can end the spell early to instead call upon an Abyssal denizen, summoning two Bebeliths or two Vrocks, 1d3+1 Shadow Demons or Succubi, OR 1d4+2 Babaus or Brimoraks. Two Bebeliths or two Vrocks is usually the correct choice, as they’re resilient and dangerous in their own rights (especially Bebeliths, with their ability to shred armor like paper), but swamping stronger foes with smaller enemies can quickly finish a fight... if it wasn’t finished in the first place by the Rift of Ruin vomiting the victim into the Rasping Rifts.

One fun thing to try is to sit at the edge of the rift and waiting for an enemy to almost, almost climb their way back out before snapping the thing shut and either sending them to the Abyss, or stranding them on your side where they’re prone, tired, and now surrounded by demons.

Deskari is kind to his Sentinels.

You can read more about him here.

[odanurr87]

My thoughts on... The King: Eternal Monarch

Lee Min-ho as Lee Gon, and Kim Go-eun as Jeong Tae-eul.

Release date: April 17 - June 12, 2020

Episodes: 16

Available on: Netflix

Plot synopsis: On one fateful night of December 1994, the king of the Kingdom of Corea was brutally murdered by his illegitimate brother, Lee Lim. The king’s son, Lee Gon, was spared a similar fate thanks to the timely intervention of a mysterious saviour, who only left behind an identity card belonging to one Lieutenant Jeong Tae-eul. 15 years later, King Lee Gon finds himself transported to the parallel world of the Republic of Korea where he meets Lieutenant Jeong Tae-eul and together they work to uncover a conspiracy across their two worlds.

Rewatch meter: Medium to High

Introduction

The King: Eternal Monarch is the latest work by writer Kim Eun-sook and, since I enjoyed two of her previous works (Descendants of the Sun and Goblin), I was quite looking forward to it. I didn't know actor Lee Min-ho at the time but I recalled Kim Go-eun from Goblin so I was relatively excited to see her in another main role. The pilot episode of the show was great, deftly introducing us to a host of characters and setting up several plot threads in a total runtime of 70 minutes, already incorporating the concepts of time travel and parallel worlds, not an easy task and a much welcome departure from most kdramas on air. Since I am a fan of sci-fi and modern fantasy however, that meant I'd put this show under the microscope so how did it fare?

Related reviews: Goblin

Characters

From left to right: Lee Jung-jin as Lee Lim, Jung Eun-chae as Goo Seo-rung, Lee Min-ho as Lee Gon, Kim Go-eun as Jeong Tae-eul, Woo Do-hwan as Jo Yeong, and Kim Kyung-nam as Kang Shin-jae.

The show enjoys, and suffers from, a host of characters on both worlds, with many actors playing dual roles because of the concept of parallel worlds. This (over)abundance of characters results in most having to play second fiddle to the two leads. In hindsight, a tighter cast would've worked better. A fair few of the characters (e.g. the detective hiding something from his wife, the pregnant lady, the mother of Lee Gon's doppelganger, god kid, and many more) did not ultimately justify their presence other than to set up (underwhelmingly resolved) mysteries to keep the audience engaged. More important characters, like Prime Minister Koo and Lee Lim, sadly never reached their full potential to my mind, being relegated to play more stereotypical antagonist roles in the end. While I can understand this decision with Lee Lim to an extent, it was a shame Prime Minister Koo’s character wasn’t more nuanced. While Lee Min-ho's characterization of Lee Gon has taken some flak I found him to act more or less in line with how a (fictional) king would, one excited at the prospect of having found the woman he's been searching for for most of his life. Kim Go-eun as Jeong Tae-eul was the one who truly delivered on the emotional end of the spectrum, as we all knew she would. Sadly, the character of Luna was more undercooked, and the show could probably have done without her.

Pacing

The all-out battle at the end of Episode 11, with Lee Gon showing off his skill with the sword, is one of the highlights of the show.

While the pacing of the show ramped up considerably towards the end it actually started rather slowly. Lee Gon discovers the Republic of Korea at the end of the first episode, yes, but it is not until the end of Episode 4 that he returns to his kingdom, with a skeptical Jeong Tae-eul in tow. Then, it is at the end of Episode 9 that Lee Gon and Lee Lim have their first encounter, with an all-out battle with Lee Lim's henchmen at the end of Episode 11, and the reveal of the identity of the savior at the end of Episode 13. I was quite satisfied with the show's pacing up until that point but a little worried about how they would tie everything up with 3 episodes left, worries that proved to be justified, as many plot threads were left unresolved or rushed to conclusion without living up to the expectations built up after several episodes. Considering the last episode of the show solves the main conflict in the first 20 minutes, I don't think this faster pacing was justified.

Execution

It is difficult not to conclude the execution of the plot wasn't nearly as tight as it could've been. The show continuously introduced new questions, new mysteries, and new characters, to keep us guessing, to keep us engaged, sometimes to the detriment of the overall storytelling quality. Who is this new character? How does s/he factor in Lee Lim's plan? Who's sending this stuff to PM Koo? What is the significance of the scars? There is no doubt these questions succeeded in keeping us engaged and I have to give it props for that. However, the execution was dragged down from indulging in superfluous characters and plot threads. Park Moon-sik's nightly escapades from his wife are a perfect example, a plot whose resolution was needlessly postponed till the final episode. Removing such plots could've open up time better served to further develop characters, like PM Koo, or explore Lee Lim's plans more thoroughly, an aspect where I feel the show dropped the ball, as these turned out to be contradictory and contrived, helping out the writer more than Lee Lim himself.

Time Travel

Sadly, the execution of time travel is a direct casualty of continuously trying to surprise the audience with new twists or for the sake of pulling at our heart strings. Up until Episode 13, its depiction of time travel lined up perfectly with the concept of a causal loop (e.g. Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban), but then Episode 14 had characters remember new past events in real-time (think of the movie Frequency, with Jim Caviezel and Dennis Quaid), and Episode 15 resurrected a character who should've been dead, among potentially more problematic issues. Time travel is a fictional concept, but even fiction is guided by certain rules and, sadly, the depiction of time travel in The King: Eternal Monarch does not hold up under further scrutiny, what deflated my engagement somewhat. Here I was, trying to understand how the writer had put together the puzzle only to realize some of the pieces didn't line up or were from different puzzles altogether. This was not entirely unexpected, as few stories have used time travel consistently in the past, but I was mildly disappointed, particularly given the writer’s excellent work and attention to detail in Goblin.

Romance

Another highlight of the show, especially if you understand exactly what is going on in this scene.

While I can believe Lee Gon could’ve developed feelings for Jeong Tae-eul after searching for her for 20+years (fans of The Expanse will recall Miller also developed feelings for Julie while searching for her), the beginning of their romance in Episode 5 felt a bit forced. It also struck me as odd when Jeong Tae-eul was the one to declare her feelings of love for Lee Gon in Episode 7 instead of the other way around. In fact, it isn't until Episode 10 that Lee Gon admits his feelings for her in one of the most emotional scenes of the show. Perhaps if the two had switched around their declarations it would’ve made more sense.

In any case, their romantic relationship was cemented from Episode 10 onwards for me, although they had cute couple moments in earlier episodes, with Episode 6 featuring the most heartfelt conversations and interactions. For my part, watching their relationship continue to unfold was one of the highlights of the show, and it certainly delivered in the following episodes. Lee Gon's unyielding quest across time and space to find Jeong Tae-eul again and again was moving, though more powerful in Episode 14 than 16 to my mind, perhaps because of the music, editing, and added emotional impact of Jeong Tae-eul knowing Lee Gon is on his way. Perhaps if Episode 16 had dedicated more than 5 minutes (count them) of its runtime to show Lee Gon constantly leaving the palace to search for and meet different versions of Jeong Tae-eul throughout the years it would've been a lot more impactful, and potentially heartbreaking. Tying it to his appearance at the end of Episode 10 would've made it perfect.

Music

I hesitate slightly to say the soundtrack for The King: Eternal Monarch is on the same level as that of Goblin (time will tell), but if it's not, it certainly isn't far behind. Songs like "Gravity," "Orbit," and "Maze," or instrumental tracks like "One Day," "My Love and...," "Into the Fantasy," and "The Fantasia of Another Dimension," are a sample of this album's best. Sadly, not all tracks featured in the show are included in the album, such as the variant of “The King” that plays at the end of Episode 15 when Lee Gon bids farewell to Lady Noh. If you're a soundtrack aficionado like I am, I'd suggest you keep this album in your Spotify library or equivalent.

Conclusions

The King: Eternal Monarch is, by no means, a perfect show. It is technically not as good as writer Kim Eun-sook's previous Goblin, which overall covered the topics previously discussed better than The King did. However, that is not to say The King: Eternal Monarch isn't an overall good show as it is, one that boldly incorporates interesting concepts like time travel and parallel worlds to its narrative with ultimately mixed results. The music is great, production values are top notch, and all of the actors’ performances were on point, though a tighter cast would’ve benefited some of their performances. While the romance between Lee Min-ho’s and Kim Go-eun’s characters may be a hard sell for some, at least initially, it ultimately worked for me.

If you haven't watched the show yet and are reading this review now, then I'm sorry that you've missed out on the experience of watching the show week to week, discussing and dissecting it with other viewers, and rewatching episodes scouring for clues, a process it easily lends itself to as opposed to other kdramas. If you're into sci-fi and modern fantasy, then I'd encourage you to give it a watch, bearing in mind the previously discussed caveats. If you're into romance kdramas, set your expectations accordingly. If you're looking for more recommendations on modern fantasy+romance and have already watched Goblin, then allow me to recommend the excellent Hotel del Luna (which I’m currently in the process of reviewing after watching it, what, four times now?). For my part, I'm looking forward to Kim Eun-sook, Lee Min-ho, and Kim Go-eun's next projects.

[wexhappyxfew]

HAPPY TRIVIA TUESDAY SHANNON!! Why did you start writing and how did you get from your starting point to here? (Like- basically can you talk about your development as a writer?)

AHHHHH JAMIE HAPPY TRIVIA TUESDAY!!!! and omg thank you so much for the ask you wonderful human, you’re such a supportive bean thank you!!! <3 

and these questions *chef’s kiss*

One of the main reasons I started writing is actually something people may not suspect. Growing up, I actually HATED writing because of experiences in a 3rd grade or 2nd grade class - I can’t remember exactly. But we were supposed to write a short story and when I presented mine, I was told that it didn’t have good enough ‘context’ or a real drive or plot, even though for me I thought it did. Supposedly it just ‘wasn’t what the hopes of writing a short story would be’. I was later told it was because I needed a simpler topic. Smh. So that set me off really and all through elementary I strayed from writing, writing classes, anything and I mostly just read because I was like just not confident at all with writing. And I struggled big time with essays, reports, story writing. In 6th grade, my ELA teacher tore apart my story as well - so yeah I wasn’t exactly happy about that either :( I was already off on a bad foot. 

But when I reached 7th grade - this was after my best friend introduced me to Wattpad and such - I started seeing the impacts of fanfiction actually and that you can base it off something and then make it completely your own! WHICH I LOVED! Because I like a bit of structure BUT THEN I LIKE GOING WILD!!! I like having that model a bit, but then being able to go and do what you want with writing. 

And honestly, I’ll be honest, I have written over 20 different works, but Band of Brothers is my only published work :) It’s short stories, other fics based on stuff like Stars Wars, The Maze Runner, etc...a bunch of stuff like that! 

And then I really discovered the impact of writing on me. I found that it became a hobby for me and I knew that when homework was done - I had the ability to go and write and escape to a completely different world. And for me, since I have trouble focusing in school and then it makes stuff more difficult to complete homework and such, I liked being able to escape to a different world through writing. And writing saved me more than anything in quarantine.

At the beginning of quarantine, I just was not in a good headspace especially with everything happening, but being able to go and write The Soldier of Stars with Hazel Parker, and being able to develop a deeply flawed character and write interactions with others, and then go and write a strong female bonded friendship as well as strong female characters who were also deeply flawed, really helped me through because it was rough. I don’t know what I would’ve done without it. 

But writing truly, I saw a change in myself even in school. Because of writing fanfiction really, I saw improvements in my essays at school surprisingly by 8th grade! They were used for examples, I was getting good grades on them - even if it were just a science report - and the teachers were complimenting my way of writing and my style. I remember in 8th grade I was partnered with a girl, where we were given 10 vocab words and had to create a story with it and we would share our stories with each other and I remember looking at me after I read it and saying, “ YOU wrote that? ITS AMAZING!” and she was just super shocked. And I think that’s where I really started writing after that tbh. 

Through high school I had major improvements and by my AP Lang Exam I took, I was nervous bc it was 45 mins for it, which isn’t exactly normal bc of COVID, but I was just like “Focus, you write FOR FUN for HOURS ON END, you can write for 45 minutes.” And that really focused me. And I got a 5 on the exam, which I was very happy about. But I swear it’s simply because of how much I write, and how OCD I am about making sure it is all perfect and up to my standards. I swear on it. Because with my writing, I like a flow and I feel if you don’t have a flow it just doesn’t work - and having a flow helped me AP exam bc without it, I would’ve done worse. But flow helps and being able to write with a flow helped more than anything! SO YES fanfiction helped earn me a good grade on my AP exam LOL

And for me writing has just been a place to express who I am. Sure, I like clothes, but most of the time for school, I’m too tired to try super hard and end up throwing on a sweatshirt and leggings and I’m not super talkative either, I’m quite shy. So writing, is where I really feel I can express myself and just BE myself. I can purely just write for fun and if people read it COOL! THANK YOU! But I’ve always written for myself, for personal enjoyment, and to see my characters, so when others love them, it’s always so nice!!! But writing has always been such a personal thing for me, and I love it more than anything in the world, where I feel I can truly express myself! <3

AND...my development as a writer is something I can definitely talk about!! <3

For me, each new story I write, I can see myself developing. Because when you start out, you’re not perfect - I SOOOO was not perfect - I wrote in 1st person (NO HATE AT ALL I JUST SUCK AT FIRST PERSON), I barely included any emotional value or ideas focused simply on timeline, I just wrote without second thought or really a care. But with Band of Brothers, I really developed. I write in 3rd person heavily, so I can explore different heads and emotions and character arcs, and ideas and interior monologue, which for a quiet person like me I LIVE FOR!

For Sunshine Soldier, I wrote with Charlotte Tarvers and developing her character, as she is someone who is very similar to myself, is something I have loved more than anything in this world. She’s my OG OC, my original little BoB Beeb. And her story I really focused on relationships and friendships of characters, simply because of what I was trying to portray with her of the fact she was a character who was called ‘Sunshine’ and loved everyone and was loved by everyone and was really that light in Easy. But in that story, I didn’t develop emotions (as I go back and reread) and descriptions as much as I wish I had. I feel there’s parts EVERYWHERE, where I could go in and add a little bit more of everything there

For The Soldier of Stars (+Ad Astra Per Aspera) I feel you see A BIG CHANGE in writing because this is where, with a quiet character like Hazel Parker who is heavily and deeply flaws, where we see the emotion and description that Sunshine Soldier misses at some points, comes out. Writing Hazel’s character (+that of Catherine and Lizzie and their bond) we focus more on an internal monologue, heavy and deep set emotions, and a constant questioning of reality from someone who is deeply hurt, and quiet and humble and soft-spoken like Hazel. And for me, there’s just so many lines in The Solider of Stars that I love with all my heart, because there are so filled with emotion and deep meaning and such and ACK I LOVE IT! One of my favorites is from Ad Astra Per Aspera - Chapter 4: The Little Bird, where all it is, is Hazel’s interior monologue after her wound. Her struggle and mental battle to simply stand and use the bathroom normally - from bed to bathroom and back. And there’s no present dialogue - very in character for Hazel, and simply just flashbacks and her mental mind having it’s own battle with having to constantly push herself to get over this fear and keep pushing herself to get better, to keep fighting. It’s a hard chapter, but so deeply beautiful of a raw struggle of simply being human.

And I feel with The Soldier of Stars (+Ad Astra) I felt myself simply just write with so much pure and raw emotion, which I held from Sunshine Solider a bit, even though Sunshine Soldier has A LOT I feel still LOL. But I definitely saw growth between these two stories, a whole lot, and I feel as I keep going I’ll just keep growing and growing with it all.

I feel with The Soldier of Stars (+Ad Astra ) I finally took the time and care to focus on my characters, and each of them individually, and really focus on emotions and feelings, which is something present in war for many and especially having a quiet character makes it easier I feel because they don’t say much but they FEEL so much. 

I would talk about Landslide - but I don’t want to get out of hand and spoil anything, so I’ll leave it at that for the moment <3 

I’ve just truly seen myself really develop and grow as any writer would and it has been so fun to see where my writing has taken me!! Thank you so much for the question Jamie, this was truly SUCH a good one to ask, because I can tell just a bit of my own story and personal struggle with it all. Thank you!!! <3

[ticktickblog]

Stop Being the Last-Minute Person

Everything You Need to Know about Procrastination

Understanding procrastination

Usually, we think of procrastination as a bad habit, but this might not be the case. Research by Burka and Yuen, authors of Procrastination: Why You Do It, What to Do About It Now, have found that procrastination is not a bad habit, but a psychological syndrome caused by one’s fear. In other words, procrastination is not purely a problem of time management. Instead, it concerns people's inner fears, expectations, doubts and pressures. 

There might be some people, like myself before, who’d always leave their tasks to the very last minute before the deadlines and look forward to a suddenly-bursted extraordinary performance, or a very best luck ever. Some even say the closer the DDLs are, the more productive they are.

So, is the deadline really a force to drive us forward in a positive way?

My answer is negative, although from the surface it may seem harmless to some people, and can to some extent be converted to motivator. However, deep inside, procrastination brings more harms than good for most of us.

Consequence of procrastination

1. On top of all the damages caused by procrastination: mental sufferings. Even though relaxing first brings instant joy, it’ll soon be replaced by overwhelmingly negative feelings: e.g. anxiety thinking, nagging pain, a guilt of not starting earlier, and etc. Not hard to imagine how painful it is to be trapped into this situation for a long period of time.

2. From the view regarding one’s physical health, there’s also detrimental consequence. Chasing DDLs usually means overworking at a late point. For example, burning the night oil in a row. If this continues as a habit, it will threaten one’s physical health as well.  

3. There might be consequences to other people as well, because people who procrastinate a lot may be bad at time management. For example, being late for a date because they’ve not started dressing up earlier, or being unable to submit a task on time because they’ve wasted a lot of time thinking. These could then make them easy to not be trusted by others, and people around them may also sometimes feel disappointed.  

Then, what at root drives us to procrastinate? What makes people consciously or unconsciously choose to procrastinate?

Reasons for procrastination

1. Excessive perfectionism

People who are perfectionists normally have very high standards to themselves and to the work they do. Therefore, they easily fall into the fear of not being able to reach these standards, or making mistakes on the way which will lead to undesirable results. By not getting started, the mistakes/failures will not happen, which means at this procrastinating point at least, they don’t have to worry too much. 

Also, many perfectionists may waste too much time thinking how to do instead of actually doing. They choose to wait till a perfect plan is ready. However, in fact there is neither a flawless plan nor a perfect outcome. Plus, it’s extremely hard for excessive perfectionists to be fully satisfied with what they’ve achieved no matter how good it is. 

2. The rewards are too far away. 

Studies have shown that the farther the due date is, the less binding force it may execute on us, and the easier it is for us to feel unmotivated to start. Compared to gaining rewards from a not-so-recent future, instant gratification is obviously much easier. 

This might be the very reason why many people choose to enjoy first and do later. For example, if the deadline for an assignment is 2 weeks from now, then spending 2 days watching a new series on Netflix doesn’t seem like a big deal. 

3. Fear of difficulty

Reason for this fear is we know the goal is too big and require hard work. Sometimes when we are given a big task, e.g. dissertation, we might be very likely to feel overwhelmed, not knowing where to start or how. The motivation then downgrades to 0. Similarly, when a monthly personal KPI has been given, even just thinking of it brings a lot of headache already, let alone start doing. 

4. Lack of awareness and skills of time management

Sad but true, I know:(  

For these ones, getting so used to an unstructured work/study style makes it even harder not to procrastinate. Never thinking of organizing or not knowing how, is a big hindrance to their productivity. But, it’s totally fine if you just enjoy the flow and do not worry about getting things done. However, for these who crave progression and success, then tackling procrastination and learning how to manage your time and organize things well is extremely important. Let TickTick help with that 🙌

5. Dislike of taking orders

As some of you might feel relatable, deadlines and dues are set usually by other people, either our professors or team leaders, to the tasks assigned. For those who have strong self-awareness and do not want to be tasked by others, they consciously or subconsciously resort to procrastination as a way to resist the order. Meanwhile, they try to declare some autonomy and freedom by refusing to do things at this moment and ignoring them till later.

Ways to fight against procrastination

The most painful part of procrastination is not working on the task, it is starting the work. Therefore, to beat procrastination, is actually to find out ways to get us started. 

Where to start

1. Set a realistic goal and fairly evaluate your ability

Make sure your goal is inspiring but also attainable, based on the evaluation of your ability now and its potential to grow, plus the time and effort needed in achieving your goal. 

For example, if I have three free weekends this month, then I probably establish a goal: finishing reading a book this month. Many procrastinators are too optimistic about their ability in the future and underestimate the time needed to complete the task. When deadlines approach, it’s just frightening and frustrating. 

2. Divide the goal into more achievable ones

If the goal seems too big to reach, then cut it into smaller pieces to reduce the fear of a sudden commitment. 

Going back to that book-reading example, to finish reading a book in a month, I may divide the task into reading ¼  every week, and then 10 pages each for working days and 20 pages each for unscheduled weekends. Compared to 1 book, 10 pages just sounds like a breeze. 

3. Trim the unnecessary and only keep the priorities

According to Pareto Principle, 20% of the things in life can determine 80% of the results. Therefore, when facing multiple tasks, sort them out based on urgency, importance, necessity and other indicators. Next, take the lead in dealing with high-priority things. This method can effectively help us abandon those low-value and insignificant activities, and rationally allocate limited time and energy for the maximum return.

4. Start from a small task 

Some may argue that starting from a hard task is better for time management. However, for a lagging person like myself before, starting is the most difficult part as I said. Therefore, an easy task can first “allure” me to start, and when finishing this, the rest of my day is then kept in a feeling-productive momentum.

Long-run strategies

1. Increase incentive mechanism 

The best way to do that is to bond the completion of a certain task with an instant reward. For example, if I finish writing my blog draft today, I’d be rewarded with 30 mins to play with my dog. If reading through all literature within scheduled time when writing a dissertation, I’ll treat myself with a big meal or an outing day. In this way, before each task starts, motivation will replace stress to activate your enthusiasm.

P.s. Please remember, what the reward for is always your hard work and progress, not the results.

2. Reduce the task aversion from a mental side: 

Go deeper into the given task and find/develop some parts you feel passionate about from it. If you’ve found out the joy of doing things, then a task will not be a task anymore, but a daily trivial, something like teeth-brushing. Those who work out consistently no matter how busy he/she is, are actually regarding working-out as a daily activity. This sounds a little bit like self-brainwashing, but believe me, it brings positive results in the long run.

Other possible solutions

1. Make use of visual tools 

Write the daily tasks down for enhanced execution force: Some research has found out that writing down your to-do tasks makes it easier for you to really complete it.

Check it done for enhanced encouragement: When I see the visual hints, e.g. a visual tick, like the logo of TickTick, that tells me I’ve achieved something, it is like an energy transferred into my body. Not only visually, it’s a mental encouragement I’ve got from the process.  

2. Create a co-supervising system

By inviting a friend/colleague to co-supervise each other, it may help you two to both keep on the right track. Also, in this co-supervision scheme, competitive people will hate to lose. By losing here actually means your friend finished her task while you didn’t. A positive competition vibe is formed here to probably give you a little gentle push.

Final words

Like what Mark Twain said,“The secret of getting ahead is getting started”. Although it’s not easy to completely beat procrastination, it’s still good to be less-procrastinated. Now is always better than later, stop being the last-minute person and get started now!

[hobi-gang]

community | knj/ot7

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲 – an unlikely group of people at a Greendale Community College form an unlikely Spanish study group. One thing Kim Namjoon wants to know about the standoffish girl from Spanish class is; "What's her deal?".

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞 – pure crack, humor, community college au, angst if you squint, they’re all 100% stupid

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 – knj x reader

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 – 9.5k

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 – mentions of aspergers, mentions of past drug abuse, namjoon is a bit of a dick oops, smoking (cigarettes)

𝐚/𝐧 – this is like... a straight up copy of the pilot to the tv show ‘community’, but i desperately wanted to see bts in that hilarious enivornment. i do not own the show ‘community’ nor do i own bts. this is just straight up crack. mcthank you.

"What is 'community college'?" A voice blared through the speakers around the quad, causing many students to pause and look at Dean Bang on his small podium with his microphone at the center of the busy square, the stupidly bright sun shining a light on him and all his khaki and white button-up glory. "Oh, wait, that's... That's the wrong card, let me start over."

After an awkward moment had passed and Dean Bang had properly sorted his notes, he spoke up into the microphone again, "Okay, good morning! Many of you are halfway through your first week here at Greendale Community College and as your dean, I thought I'd share some thoughts of wisdom and inspiration," he smiles then continues, "What is 'community college'? I know most of you have heard that it's loser college for remedial teens."

At the mention of remedial teens, Jeon Jungkook, a young boy with dark brown hair and jock attire, stopped scanning the campus map for his English class and looked around himself to find the source of the voice behind the speakers, tugging on his Letterman jacket nervously.

"They say it's for 20-something dropouts."

____ looked up from her Spanish study book and her eyes fell on the Dean and his pathetically small podium, rolling her eyes at him and feeling somewhat attacked and embarrassed by his accurate but harmful words.

"Or middle-aged divorcees."

Kim Seokjin, a tall and straight-back young man with kind eyes, plump lips, and short brown hair stops reading the pamphlet in his hand given to him by a member of the Chess Club that passed him by, looking around to find who's voice was blaring from the quad speakers. I'm not middle-aged... am I? he asked himself thoughtfully.

"And old people keeping their minds active as they circle the drain of eternity."

Min Yoongi's ears perked up at the mention of that, sitting up on the bench that he was slowly falling asleep on. His light violet hair making him stand out, he pulled his hoodie over his head so only his face was visible through the opening, scowling at the words 'old people', being reminded of how often he gets called a grandpa by his classmates for his somewhat lazy demeanor. I'm not middle-aged... am I? he asked himself thoughtfully.

"That's what you've heard, however," the Dean grins excitedly, "I wish you luck!" He thrusts his arm into the air in a victory pose.

He looks around at the small number of students that had bothered to stay in the quad in front of his small podium, looking at them expectantly before realizing and looking at his cue cards, "Oh, okay. Uh-oh. There's actually more to this speech. Can you all look around your immediate areas," He asks the students awkwardly, "There's a middle card missing, I actually really wanted to finish that properly-"

"I'm actually fully Korean, the son of immigrants. My parents are U.S citizens now, but they're not threats to national security. A lot of people wanna know that because my dad has an angry energy but he's not angry at America, he's just angry at my mom for leaving him. Although she did leave him because he was angry and he was angry because she wasn't. My name's Taehyung by the way."

"Well, Taehyung," Namjoon says wearily, glancing next to him at the younger, slightly shorter boy with ridiculously bright blue hair and a boxy smile following him like an eager puppy around the quad, he shakes his hand, "It was nice to know you and then meet you, in that order," he says to him with raised brows, "Now, about that question that I asked?"

"Oh, it was," Taehyung checks his watch, "11:05 when you asked-"

"Taehyung," Namjoon says abruptly, raising his hand to stop the younger boy from walking beside him, nodding towards the young girl across the quad with her face stuffed in a book. "What's the deal with the hot girl from Spanish class?"

"I only talked to her once when she borrowed a pencil," Taehyung says monotonously which makes Namjoon deflate a bit but he is quickly impressed by what the younger boy says next.

"But her name's ____, she's 23, birthday in September. She has two older sisters and one of them teaches a dance class that I might wanna lookup. Oh, and she thinks she's gonna fail tomorrow's Spanish test so she really needs to focus and she's sorry if that makes her seem cold," Taehyung finishes his gesturing and his confident spewing of words, looking up at the older, pink-haired boy with no indication of emotion.

Namjoon's mouth hangs agape for a moment, "Holy crap, Taehyung," he says in awe, "I see your value now." He pats Taehyung on the shoulder and gives him a meaningful look before he turns to walk into the school, leaving the younger boy behind.

"That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me!" Taehyung shouts to his older classmate as he's walking away, his finger pointed in the air as if for exclamation.

"Kim Namjoon, genius at law!"

"You gotta stop saying that, Lee Hyun... I'm kidding, keep going," Namjoon grins widely, closing the door behind him and stepping forward into his former client's cramped office to shake his hand across his wide, messy desk littered with papers and tools of all sorts.

"So," Hyun leans his arms atop the slew of papers on his desk and tilts his head slightly to look up at his much taller friend, "Tell me. What is my lawyer doing here?"

"Actually, I'm... a student now," Namjoon says with a timid smile, taking a seat on the couch of Hyun's office.

Hyun raises his eyebrows in surprise, "Well, that can't be an inspiring story."

"I'm gonna be honest with you, I'm in a bit of a kerfuffle... The state bar has suspended my license and they found out that my college degree was... less than legitimate." Namjoon confesses with as much confidence as he could muster, finding it difficult to spill the beans to his former client turned friend.

"I thought you had a degree from Columbia?" Hyun questions him, brows knit in confusion.

"Now I have to get one from America," Namjoon chuckles then sighs longingly, "And it can't be an email attachment."

"Well, you've picked a fine school," Hyun smiles, leaning back in his office chair with his arms crossed behind his head.

Namjoon snaps his fingers and agrees, "Yes! And I'm hoping that our friendship will yield certain advantages. You're the psychology professor, y'know, so I could really do with some academic guidance, maybe some moral support and... every answer to every test for every one of the classes that I'm taking this semester," Namjoon pulls a piece of paper from the breast pocket of his sport's jacket. "This is my schedule-" "Okay, Namjoon, just by asking that you are insulting the very integrity of this entire institution," Hyun chastises his friend, abruptly standing up which mildly alarms Namjoon but he is surprised to see Hyun grabbing a cane next to his desk and knocking on the window behind him. Through the open blinds and dirty windows, Namjoon can see the shape of a person that appeared to be urinating on a garbage skip. "Oi! Not a bathroom. Not. A. Bathroom." Hyun shouts out the window and then he scowls when the assailant quickly tucks their business away and runs off.

Namjoon exhaled noisily through his nose, "Hyun, you seemed less into integrity the day I convinced a dozen of your peers that when you made that U-turn on the freeway and tried to order hot wings from the emergency call box that your only real crime was loving America." He said with the hope that Hyun was finally going to turn over for him and help him cheat his way through college.

A moment passed and Hyun sighed, "I'll look into it."

"Thank you," Namjoon immediately took to his feet and reached over his friend's desk to shake his hand one last time. "Hyun, you are a good man." he smiled, going to the door.

Hyun rolled his eyes, "Namjoon, are you familiar with the adage 'cheaters never prosper'?"

The taller of the two scoffed and opened the door, "No, and if I wanted to learn something, I wouldn't have come to community college."

Hyun sighed and gave his friend a concerned look before waving him out of his office.

Namjoon found himself wandering the maze-like corridors of the school and ultimately ended up in the cafeteria. After purchasing a bottle of water and a suspiciously cheap packet of apple slices, Namjoon was lucky to spot a familiar head of soft brown hair. Walking over quietly, he steps closer to the girl from his Spanish class and spoke to her with an expression of surprise, "Oh, hey, Spanish?"

"Don't hit on me, okay?" the brown-haired girl answered with an annoyed tone, too engrossed in her work to even look up at the person speaking to her.

"I... wouldn't dream of it," he saved face, chuckling nervously. "I just wanted to let you know about... my Spanish study group!"

At the mention of a Spanish study group, she finally looked up and couldn't hold back the snicker bubbling inside of her at the prospect of who was standing right in front of her. Though his ego was a little hurt, he put on his charming smile paired with his signature dimples, almost as if he were modeling for her.

"Woah, the guy sitting in the back of class playing on his phone all day has a Spanish study group?" she gasps with faux excitement, raising a brow of suspicion at him. "Can I sign up twice?"

"Ha-ha," he precedes, "I'm taking the class for an easy credit, I'm actually a board-certified Spanish tutor," he says in a matter of factly manner to sound as convincing as possible.

"Can you say that in Spanish?" the brunette girl quickly responded.

Namjoon was stumped for a second but said the first few Spanish sentences that first came to his head. "Duermo tarde español, una hora más, no rasque mi coche," he said as smoothly as possible with a smirk. He didn't know it, but what he actually said was "I sleep late Spanish, one more hour, do not scratch my car," and he was praying that she didn't know either.

The look she was giving him was making him nervous, it was as if she knew he was lying and he was just about to tell her that he was lying until she slammed her book shut and leaned closer to him with wide, desperate eyes. "I really need help with Spanish," she confessed in a low voice.

"Yeah, I was willing to bet," Namjoon chuckled, extending his hand to her as a sign of goodwill. "I'm Namjoon by the way, or... Jefe," he smiled as she took his larger hand in her much smaller one. The comparison alone made his heart just a little bit more tender.

"The, uh, group meets in the library at four."

"I'm ____, and thanks." She smiles up at him, letting go of their handshake. She gathers her things and shoves them into her well-used canvas side bag and she stood up to leave.

"You're gonna be there, right?" he asks her and she just smirks at him one last time before turning her back on him and walking away.

"Un poquito más!" he shouted after her. "That means 'see you there'!"

Nope. It really meant 'a little more', but he could care less as long as she believed that he was right.

Namjoon sat alone at an eight-seater table in one of the library's study rooms, repeating the phrase for 'good afternoon' to himself in solitary, the library's population lowering as the minutes went by.

"Buenos tardes, buenos tardes, buenos tardes..." he repeated under his breath while tapping his pencil against the table, making sure he was right. With such a simple phrase, he couldn't get it wrong otherwise the hot girl from Spanish class would finally figure him out and he just can't let that happen.

"Hey," she enters the study room with a cheeky grin, her heavy bag slapping against her hip as she walked.

"Buenos tardes!" he says to her with pride, immediately straightening his posture and giving himself an internal high-five for getting it right, "Welcome to my Spanish study... uh, group. I've got the whole table."

"You've got the whole room," she adds with raised brows, taking the seat closest to him.

Namjoon digs around in his pocket for a piece of paper and he brings forth a crumpled chess club pamphlet that he remembers getting from the quad earlier that day. He flattens out the paper as best as he can before thrusting it towards her on the table along with his pencil. "Here's the, uh, contact sheet. Just put your number down there," he asks her and she snickers before accepting his pencil and jotting down her number.

Namjoon pretends to look around the room and out the doors to the rest of the library with exasperation, "Man, where's the rest of the group? They must be running late... But you and I can get acquainted in the meantime."

She finishes her jotting and puts the pencil on top of the paper before pushing it back towards Namjoon, "You might have noticed earlier in the cafeteria, I'm not that great at small talk."

"That's actually kinda great, I like big talk. What's your deal?" he smirks, leaning an elbow onto the table and raising his brows at her.

"That's not small talk?" she tilts her head to the side with a tight smile.

"What's your deal and is God dead?" he quickly adds to his previous question to make it fit her requirements.

She inwardly scoffs and lays her hands flat onto the table, "Okay, you wanna know my deal?" she asks him and he nods in response, "My deal is, above all else, honesty."

"Honesty..." Namjoon repeats, biting his cheek nervously.

"Yeah, if you're honest with me, I will like you. If you lie to me, I will never talk to you again. That's my deal."

With it all laid out in front of him, he felt compelled to tell her the truth. Sure, he may have lied to her before but he won't just lie to her now that she had just asked the truth of him so... He'd give her the truth. Well, an incomplete truth. It wasn't entirely lying but it wasn't entirely telling the truth either. It was a gray area, and as much as he liked this girl in front of him, he also liked having a smidge of integrity.

From the first day, he saw her in Spanish class and his attention was mostly on her throughout the entirety of each lesson. He'd look above the screen of his phone to watch her soft brown shoulder-length hair moving against her slender neck, he'd observe how her back was always straight and her shoulders were always pulled back. He also observed her unique and incredible fashion. He liked the bold, solid-colored sweaters and t-shirts and her high-waisted, wide-leg pants paired with stylish shoes of all kinds, all of it just made her hard to ignore, though she always carried the same, tattered canvas bag. Her sense of style clearly indicated that she preferred comfort over the other hundred pleasantries that women's fashion often offered, such as heels and skinny jeans. He liked that about her.

Today, her bright orange shirt and beige high-waisted, wide-leg pants only managed to highlight her feminine features more, making his focus and his breathing stray by just the smallest bit. The smallest. He didn't want to admit just how breathtaking she was, and she tended to take his breath away a lot without even trying and that's what was driving him to do whatever it took to keep her there in that study room with him, within reason of course.

"That's a pretty good deal," he told her honestly, irony aside.

"So," she crossed her arms over her chest, "what's your deal?"

"My deal?" Namjoon repeated, and she nodded in return.

The incomplete truth.

"I..." he looked at her and gulped, "I would, um, I would have to say... Uh, honesty. Because... I, uh, would say anything to get what I want and I-I want you to... To like me," for the first time since he had known her, and that hasn't exactly been a long time, he looked away in embarrassment and didn't look back up at her until she spoke up.

With a reluctant hmph, she says "That was a very honest answer. Okay, I like you now." And that makes his eyes widen in surprise.

"Really? Wow, you're easy," he says with disbelief, his heart slowing down just an ebb.

"Hey, guys!" someone spoke up behind Namjoon, making him turn in his chair to see that familiar head of bright blue.

The young brunette squealed with joy, "Taehyung in the house! Woo, yeah!" waving the blue-haired boy over excitedly.

"Woo!" Namjoon unenthusiastically whoops, brows knit in confusion watching as the boy grabbed a chair from the corner of the room and bringing it over to the table. "Woo! Woo-why?" he laughs confusedly.

Taehyung places his chair in the middle of both of their chairs, seating himself between the brunette girl and Namjoon. "Oh, ____ invited me! Is that cool?" he smiled, looking at the older boy with an oblivious smile.

"I can't think of a single logical reason why not!" Namjoon says through gritted teeth, a faux smile gracing his features. His eyes fall on the sheet of paper on the table, he immediately thrusts it towards the blue-haired boy, urging him to put his information on the paper.

"Cool... Cool, cool, cool," Taehyung murmured to himself as he slowly wrote his number down onto the paper. "This is kind of like Breakfast Club, huh?" Taehyung quips randomly.

"We are in a library," the brunette girl points out, patting Taehyung on the knee. Namjoon spotted that gesture out of the corner of his eye and felt the jealousy growing in his chest. Jealousy aside, he looks at Taehyung's number on the paper and he pulls his phone out, drafting a text to send to the blue-haired boy seated between him and the girl of his dreams.

"Yeah, I'm sure we've all got an issue balled up deep inside us that would make us cry if we talked about it," Taehyung says to his peers nonchalantly, but the worry etched on the brunette girl's features were all too serious.

She places a hand on his forearm and earnestly asks him, "Do you have something balled up inside of you?"

Taehyung looks up to the ceiling as if in thought and he responds, "Well, I do have a little doozy in the chamber if thing's get a little emotional."

Suddenly, Taehyung's phone pings and Namjoon puts his phone away, looking at the blue-haired boy expectantly, watching as the boy brings his phone out from his pocket and his eyebrows are raised in surprise, "Ooh, it's a text message! Let's give this bad boy a read," he says cheerily.

Namjoon panics, realizing that if he reads the text aloud, then the brunette girl sitting across from him would find out that it was him. "Oh, Taehyung," Namjoon says nervously, "I think it might be private."

"I've never gotten one of these before," Taehyung continues, ignoring the older boy's urgencies. Namjoon would've felt a little bit of pity in his chest at the sound of how sad that sentence actually was if it weren't for the fact that he was very close to being exposed.

"Say you have to pee, I need to talk to you." The blue-haired boy reads aloud with a confused tone. "Say you have to pee," he repeats, holding his phone screen towards the brunette girl so she could read it and she looked just as confused as he did. Her confusion quickly turned to suspicion, looking at the two boys sitting next to her.

"That is weird," she commented. "What does that even mean?" Taehyung questions both of them and Namjoon quickly shrugged.

"I don't know man, that sounds strange. Do you even have to pee?" Namjoon asks and Taehyung shakes his head 'no'.

"Hmm," Namjoon murmurs, "I'm stumped, that sounds very creepy."

"That makes two of us," Taehyung concurs with a shrug. In the corner of his eye, Namjoon can see the brunette girl eyeing him and he knows that she knows that it was him.

Namjoon's phone chimes and he looks to make sure that it wasn't Taehyung messaging him back and further making him fall into a pit of mortification. He reads the text that was sent to him and realizes it's Lee Hyun, his former client and now his possible conspirator and hero.

'con-4-s-8-tion on football field now!!! - Hyun"

"What's that?" The brunette girl asks him and he is brought out of his bubble.

"Does it say 'you have to pee'?" Taehyung asks.

"Oh, no, it's just someone with an impossibly bad grasp on abbreviations. I've gotta step out for a bit," he says, getting out of his chair and shoving his phone into his pocket, "I'll be back in like five minutes but, uh, go ahead and start studying verbs... In, uh, Spanish," he concludes, waving to his peers before stepping out of the study room.

Once he's out of ear-shot, the brunette girl smiles and nudges Taehyung on the knee, "What's your read on that guy, Taehyung?"

Taehyung looks at her and tilts his head to the side, appearing as though he were analyzing her.

"You look like my interpretation of God," he says randomly, making her raise a brow in confusion.

"Ethnically ambiguous," he adds, and she forms an 'o' with her mouth and nods at his words.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the school, Namjoon's light jogging has turned into a brisk walk as he finally spots his friend standing at the edge of the school's football field, the football team on the field practicing on a variety of equipment in the heat.

"Suppose I say to you 'it's possible to get those test answers'?" Hyun says aloud once he realizes Namjoon is next to him.

"I would say 'go with that' and 'you could've put that in a text'," Namjoon responds frustratedly. "I'm asking you if you know the difference between right and wrong," Hyun eggs on.

"I discovered at a very early age that if I talk long enough, I can make anything right and wrong. So, either I'm God or truth is relative. In either case, booyah."

"Oh, interesting! It's just that the average person finds it difficult to say 'booyah' to moral relativism."

"Hyun, you don't have to play the shrink to protect your pride. I accept. You're chicken," Namjoon smirks at his friend, expecting a reaction that came faster than he anticipated.

"I'm a professor, you can't talk to me that way!" Hyun huffs loudly.

"A six-year-old girl could talk to you that way!" Namjoon retorts with a scoff, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Yeah, because that would be adorable!" Hyun thrusts his arms into the air in exclamation.

"No, because you're a five-year-old girl and there's a pecking order!" Namjoon bites back.

"Fine, I'll do it!" Hyun argues back with his hands flapping about.

"Thank you," Namjoon smiles, patting Hyun on the shoulder before walking away and leaving Hyun to stand in the field by himself with a look of shock etched into his face.

Namjoon found himself getting closer to the entrance of the library study room and began reciting his prepared excuse aloud from memory, "You guys aren't going to believe this but the rest of the study group-"

The words were snatched right out of his mouth when he finally came to the doorway and found that all but 2 seats were full. 2 empty seats remaining for him and... for the brunette girl from Spanish class.

"Is here..." Namjoon finishes under his breath, looking at each of the new faces in the room, except they weren't very new. He recognized them from somewhere, he just couldn't pinpoint where.

"Are you the 'board-certified' tutor?" One of the new faces asked, his light violet hair peeking out from beneath his hoodie and both hands tucked into his pocket, a bored expression on his face.

"That means you'll do my homework, right?" A rather young boy with a letterman jacket spoke arrogantly, a cheeky grin on his face and his hand already extending out towards Namjoon, a thin stack of papers gripped between his fingers.

"I'll need to call my babysitter if we're gonna be staying later than 10," Another young man spoke up from the table, his proper attitude shining with his posture and articulate words, his plump lips pulled into a gentle smile.

"What board certifies a tutor?" A rather small and slender boy speaks up from the side of the table, his eyes examining Namjoon beneath his clementine bangs with a speculative gaze, both arms crossed over his chest tightly.

"Aren't you the guy that plays games on their phone in the back of the class?" A giddy boy chirps from the other side of the table, his round cheeks and light brown, gleaming eyes drawing his attention.

Namjoon raised his brows at the group of rather attractive young men gathered at the table. His gaze falls on Taehyung's bright blue head. "Where's ____?"

"Not sure, but I invited more people from Spanish class. Is that cool?" Taehyung says. Ah, so that's where he can recognize them from.

"That's the... coolest," Namjoon manages to squeeze out from between his teeth with as enthusiastic a tone as possible, trying his best to hide his frustration. Taehyung gives the older man a thumbs up and a smile. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom," Namjoon begins to say, collecting his things that he had left on the table previously, "and I'm gonna bring my jacket, wallet and my keys with me... In case there's a fire."

Namjoon tucks his items in his arms and leaves the study room.

Exiting the library, Namjoon bumped into someone and almost chastised them until he realized who it is.

"Busted," she says with a smirk, making Namjoon's heart pound in his chest. "Uh, listen-"

"Now you know. I'm a smoker," she says shamefully, lifting a lit cigarette into view and putting it back down to her side so the smoke doesn't get in their way.

"Yeah, but... They're filtered so that makes them safe," his chest rumbles with a chuckle, making her smile after she had made quite the admission.

"You ready to get started? Looks like the rest of your group showed up," she asks him, teasing him with a gentle bump of her shoe on his shin.

Namjoon hisses in faux pain and laughs, "Yeah, that's not my group. I think maybe Taehyung took out an ad on Craigslist," he says with uncertainty, "and I was trained never to say this but... I think that group may be untutorable."

"Oh really?" she says in a sing-song fashion, only egging him on.

"So, why don't you and I study verbs over-"

"Dinner?" she says in an attempt to finish his sentence.

"Or, uh, drinks..." he shrugs carelessly.

"I think we should actually prioritize here and study first and then go to dinner," she offers, "And if they really prove to be untutorable, we'll slip out early."

Discarding her finished cigarette butt to the ground and stomping out the heat with her chunky sole, she slipped into the library and the look she gave him before slinking away behind the closing door made Namjoon bite his cheek to contain his excitement. "Oh they'll be untutorable, alright," he says to himself, his minding already running with ideas on how to make or ruin the fastest study session in history.

Namjoon wanders into the study room and finds everyone in their seats, looking up at him with anticipation. He finds himself at the head of the table and he musters up the energy to try and turn this night into a disaster or into the fastest study session anyone has ever seen.

"All right," he begins with a tight smile, "Look at this group, ready to study all night."

"Well, I can stay at least till ten," The proper young man says amongst the quiet murmurs coming from around the table.

"But," Namjoon interjects, "Who studies with strangers, right? My name is Namjoon."

"Namjoon, it's a pleasure. My name is Min Yoongi," the man at the end of the table stands up to reach over the table at an attempt to shake Namjoon's hand, "And yes that is Min as in Min's Mics," Yoongi stops his reach for the handshake, making Namjoon awkwardly slink back into his chair, "The award-winning microphone production company."

"I was just about to ask..." Namjoon bumped his eyebrows up in annoyance.

"I'm also a toastmaster, so perhaps I should do the introductions!" Yoongi insists with a lazy grin.

"Definitely!" Namjoon encourages, already sensing that Yoongi's loose and unbothered energy was bound to mess things up in the room.

Yoongi claps his hands again and immediately gestures to the brunette sitting beside Namjoon, "You already know ____,"

The brunette girl immediately corrects him and Namjoon can't help but snicker at the incredibly fast screw-up.

"Hockey sock," Yoongi points toward the boy sitting to Namjoon's right side.

"It's Hoseok," the brown-haired boy spoke up, pausing his sketching to correct the man at the other end of the table with an amused look.

"Tater tot."

"My name is Taehyung," the blue-haired boy chided.

"Junk food."

The boy sitting beside Yoongi gave him a look of confusion, "I literally just told you my name like four minutes ago, dude, it's Jungkook."

Yoongi then gestures to the orange-haired person on the other side of the table, "That's Prince Jam."

"Jimin," the young boy narrowed his eyes at the self-proclaimed toastmaster.

"And finally, this is Seokjin," Yoongi smiled gently, staring for just a second too long at the man sitting right next to him.

"Is that even close?" Namjoon asks the supposed 'Seokjin', and he receives a timid nod in return, the young man squirming uncomfortably under Yoongi's continued gaze.

"Can you teach us how to say curse words in Spanish?" Hoseok asks, tapping his pencil against the table. "Unfortunately, no," Namjoon answers with a sigh.

"How do I become board-certified? And I actually agree with Jimin, what board certifies a tutor?" Hoseok persists, Jimin agreeing with his questions with a curt nod.

"That's actually a really great question. Next?" Namjoon smiles innocently, turning his attention elsewhere to avoid any more questions about his faux tutoring origins.

"Yeah, well, I'd like to know why I had to find out about this group on accident," Jimin sits up, raising his chin in a show of confidence.

Taehyung's brows are knit in anticipation, "Oh this is getting way more like Breakfast Club now."

"There's breakfast?" Yoongi asks confusedly.

"Okay, um, maybe we should-" the brunette girl began to speak up in an attempt to break the tension.

"You know," Namjoon interrupts her and he receives a glare in return, "I've been a part of a lot of study groups that fell apart because of unresolved tension. Shouldn't we address Jimin's concern? Did we not invite him?"

"Oh, Jimin, honey, it's not behind your back. We just didn't want to-" Seokjin tries to comfort the younger boy sitting next to him but is immediately interrupted. The brunette girl was starting to notice that interrupting each other was becoming a trend, and she didn't like it at all.

"Can we stop with the 'honeys' and the 'sweeties'? Being younger does not make me inferior, if anything, your age indicates that you made bad life decisions!" Jimin responds sharply, almost shaking with equal amounts of nervousness and irritation.

Seokjin inhales quickly and starts shaking his head, making noises of disagreement, as though he were trying to hold back the hurtful words that wanted to slip off his tongue by instinct.

"Seokjin has a reply to that," Namjoon says, making the brunette girl's head snap in his direction, utterly confused as to why he would try to stoke the flames of this argument.

Everyone around the table except for the brunette girl murmurs their agreements, seeing Seokjin narrow his eyes at the smaller, younger boy sitting beside him. "Okay, okay. I'm sure... I've made s-some bad life decisions, I am a single, divorced father of two after all but maybe Jimin's life decisions will be better! But I think he needs to decide whether he wants to be considered a child or an adult because children get pity but not respect, and adults, they get respect! They also get the back of their heads grabbed and their faces pushed through jukeboxes!" Seokjin quickly says at the end of his sentence, his eyes wide, fierce and full of unsubtle rage.

"Why don't we try learning 'jukebox" in Spanish?' The brunette girl speaks up, trying to divert everyone's attention but it doesn't appear to work.

"What are you doing? Are you seriously falling asleep right now?" Seokjin says aloud, everyone's eyes falling upon the purple-haired Yoongi at the end of the table, who is dozing off on the spot.

Jungkook snorts, "Really, grandpa?" he says jokingly to his older classmate, Hoseok unable to hold in his laughter at the teasing going on in front of him.

"Hey. I am a prominent business leader and a highly sought-after dinner guest and I will not be made fun of by some- some teenage boy," Yoongi responds with a sloppy snarl.

"Well, this teenage boy is a quarterback and a prom king," Jungkook retorts, adding a flourish to his argument with a tug of his collar.

Jimin scoffs amusedly, "You're not prom king anymore, Jungkook. This isn't Riverside High."

"How'd you know I went there?" Jungkook asks Jimin with a confused expression.

The orange-haired boy's smile falters from his face but he straightens his back nonetheless, "Because you're still wearing your stupid letter jacket, and more importantly... I sat behind you in Algebra!" Jimin scans Jungkook's face for any sign of realization and he feels a bit better once he sees it flash across Jungkook's features, but his stomach drops with what he hears next.

"Wait, aren't you the guy that got hooked on pills and dropped out? You're little Jammy Jimin," Jungkook laughs, clapping his hands and doubling over.

Jimin gasps, "Oh yeah? And you're a stupid jock who lost his scholarship by dislocating both shoulders in a keg stand!"

"Keg flip! They are very hard to pull off! No-" Jungkook corrects him, then everyone erupts into overlapping arguments. As everyone begins shouting at each other, the brunette girl's face is that of a witness to absolute horror, especially once she sees Namjoon looking at all the drama unfold with an amused look. Suddenly, Taehyung slams his hand down on the table, garnering everyone's attention and effectively shutting them up.

"You know what I got for Christmas? It was a banner year at the Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me. He said, 'Hey, smoke up, Johnny.'," Taehyung says animatedly, "No, dad! What about you?" he ends with one last shout, leaning back in his chair, the satisfied smile on his face indicating that he had completed his bit.

"Well, that actually was from Breakfast Club," Namjoon points out and everyone finally understands what Taehyung was talking about, their mouths forming 'o's.

"Nobody puts Baby in the corner," Taehyung murmurs again. "Dirty Dancing," Namjoon responds and he receives a smile and an excited 'yeah' from the blue-haired boy in return.

In the midst of everyone looking at each other with confused expressions, Namjooon's phone buzzes once again and sees that someone is trying to call him.

Namjoon answers his phone and is greeted by Hyun talking in a deep, unusually gravelly voice. "It's Professor Lee Hyun, come to the parking lot now."

"What's wrong with your voice?" Namjoon scrunches his nose at the unpleasant sound coming through the receiver. "I'm... disguising it." Namjoon was about to smugly inform his friend that there was no point in trying to disguise his voice if he was going to tell him his name in the first place, but Hyun hung up on him before he had the chance.

Tucking his phone back into his pocket, he announces to the group that he is leaving for a bit, "but while I'm gone, you guys need to hash this stuff out. No stone unturned... Go!" he declares, quickly escaping once more. Before he even laid a step outside the study room, he could already hear the sounds of their bickering - a sign of their very close and very eventual turmoil and his very inevitable date with the hot brunette from Spanish class.

As soon as Namjoon stepped outside the school gates, he spotted Lee Hyun in a comically small blue smart car right in the front of the school. After managing to squeeze his gangly limbs into the passenger seat, he slammed the car door shut and reached out for the large and thick manila folder that was resting in his much smaller friend's hands.

"Every answer to every test in your curriculum this semester," Lee Hyun said proudly. "I knew you could do it, buddy. Thank you," Namjoon sighed thankfully but Hyun was snatching the folder away before he managed to grab a hold of it. "Woah there, cowboy. What do I get out of all this?"

"Uh, the satisfaction of being even?" Namjoon says as if it's the most obvious thing that there was. "Even, fairness, right, wrong, there is no God, booyah, booyah," Hyun listed off in an annoying tone that made Namjoon cringe.

"What do you want from me?" Namjoon asked reluctantly.

"Your Lexus."

"My car? For a semester's worth of answers?" Namjoon scoffed in disbelief.

"Will it be just a semester though, Namjoon? Won't you be taking the easy way out for the next four years? I want payment in advance. I want leather seats with built-in butt warmers," Hyun grinned mischievously.

"What am I supposed to drive?" Namjoon asks through gritted teeth, "You should take this car! It's good for the earth," Hyun smiled at him.

"So is wiping your butt with a leaf but it's not how a man gets around!" Namjoon shouted in frustration. Hyun visibly deflated, shoulders slumped and manila folder waiting patiently for the taking from the palm of his hand. Namjoon eyed the folder in his friend's hand and weighed the options in his head. With a groan, Namjoon snatched the folder out of his hand and hopped out of the impossibly cramped blue smart car as quickly as possible.

____ spots Namjoon weaving through the library entrance and she darts out of the study room to leave the arguing mess of a study group to confront its creator. "It is a disaster in there!"

"Yeah, untutorable. Do you like Thai food? I love Thai food."

"Wait, so... This is a game to you?" the young brunette girl asked with arms crossed over her chest and resting her weight on her right leg. "You put a group of human beings into a state of emotional shambles just for a shot at getting in my pants?"

"Why can't you see that for the compliment that it is?" Namjoon stressed.

"Unbelievable," she sneered, clenching her fists against her chest in anger. Namjoon didn't mean to look at her chest at that time, it was just where her hands were and the sight of them clenching and unclenching somehow made his heart race. It wasn't fear or disbelief, but he couldn't quite pinpoint what the emotion was. As he noticed that her brown eyes were intensely watching him, he quickly averted his gaze and pretended to submit to her to see what she wanted and if he felt like he was bothered enough to keep jumping through these high hoops for her.

"What do you want me to do?" he asks her, tilting his head to look down at her. "Oh, maybe one decent thing you can do is go in there and clean up your mess," she tells him, looking at him expectantly.

Namjoon pursed his lips and looked into the "Okay, if I do that, then dinner... Right?" he questions her with a perked brow.

The young brunette's mouth hung agape in disbelief and she laughed quietly, her eyes unable to leave the sight of the unbelievable man she'd ever seen. As selfish and egotistical as he was, there was an underlying part of her that felt flattered by his drive and want for her. It was a very small part and the group's needs very clearly trumped that.

"Yeah, fine, whatever," she said with a shrug, stepping back into the study room. "As if there's a dinner on earth that can make me forget that you are a shallow douchebag."

Watching her walk away was something he had the pleasure of doing a handful of times already, and each time felt better than the last but this time, he couldn't quite find the appeal when she was very clearly mad at him. "Oh, you are gonna eat those words when you see my new car!" His face falls when he remembers the trade he had just made with the psychology professor just moments ago.

"Alright, everybody!" Namjoon shouted above everyone else, slamming his Spanish textbook onto the table, everyone's attention now on him. "I wanna say something. Everybody, sit down." "You don't have to yell," Seokjin muttered under his breath, situating himself back into his chair, the others following suit.

"You know what makes humans different from other animals?" Namjoon asks rhetorically, but Jungkook immediately answers, "Feet."

"No, no. Come on, beers have feet," Yoongi said smugly but by the look on Seokjin and Jimin's faces, it was clear he was wrong.

Namjoon quickly put them back on topic, "We are the only species on earth that observes 'Shark Week'. Sharks don't even observe 'Shark Week' but we do, for the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you it's name is Steve and go like this," Namjoon picks up his pencil from the table and snaps it in half, earning a quiet chorus of gasps and pained groans.

"And part of you dies just a little bit on the inside because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with pencils, we can forgive a shark and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting."

Yoongi cringes at the mention of Ben Affleck and Taehyung agrees with him, everyone at the table nodding their agreements.

"People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me, it's clear to all of you that I am awesome but I can never admit that because that would make me an ass but what I can do is see what makes Jimin awesome," everyone turns to look at Jimin who is fighting the rush of blood that is desperate to get to his cheeks and the pull of a smile against his lips, "Jimin is driven. We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice-cream melts," Namjoon says.

"And Yoongi. We need guys like Yoongi. This guy has wisdom to offer," Yoongi scrunches his nose. "Is this part of the grandpa joke? Come on-"

"We should listen to him sometime! We wouldn't regret it. And Seokjin," Namjoon gestures to Seokjin with a pointed finger, "Seokjin has earned our respect. Not as a husband, not as a father, but as a man. And don't test him on that because the thing about the jukebox was way too specific to be improvised," Seokjin's eyes widened a little bit at Namjoon's speculation but he gave no indication as to whether he thinks Namjoon had stumbled upon the truth or not.

"And Hoseok, the guy that keeps asking questions. We need intuitive people like that, we need people that keep asking questions otherwise people we will never find the answers, Hoseok is the answer," he points at Hoseok who is giving him a shy smile in return.

"And Jungkook. Who cares if Jungkook thinks he's all that? Maybe he is," Jungkook looked nervous from the moment Namjoon started giving his opinions on each of the group members but a small smile fell on his face after hearing the caring words that the older boy had for him.

"And Taehyung. Taehyung is a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup. Because you know what? Soup is better. Taehyung is better. You are all better than you think you are, you are just designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself," Namjoon tells them, his gestures becoming wilder to continue to be engaging as his speech went on.

"Soup?" Yoongi says confusedly.

"Turn to the person next to you," Namjoon tells them. He watches as Jimin turns to Seokjin, Yoongi turns to Jungkook, Taehyung turns to Hoseok, as the young brunette girl turns to him and looks up at him with her wide, gleaming eyes.

"I want you to extend to the person the same compassion that you extend to sharks, pencils and Ben Affleck. I want you to say to that person 'I forgive you'."

He watches Jimin, Seokjin, Taehyung, and Hoseok express their forgiveness to each other, inwardly smiling to himself at the warming sight but his attention is piqued when he sees that Yoongi is being reluctant.

"I forgive you," Jungkook says to his partner earnestly. Yoongi rolls his eyes and calls him a little twerp. "Yoongi," Namjoon urges, "I'd like you to say 'I forgive you'."

Yoongi exhales slowly through his nose, his features tense as he quickly and quietly mumbles out an "I forgive you" to Jungkook who grins in return.

"You've just stopped being a study group, you have become something unstoppable. I hereby pronounce you a community," Namjoon proclaims proudly.

Seokjin awe's, "Oh, that's nice," he shares with a gentle smile, joining the rest of the people on the table in applauding Namjoon for his powerful speech.

"This isn't like Breakfast Club anymore, now it's like Stripes or Meatballs, anything with Bill Murray really," Taehyung adds with a pointed finger. "I agree with Taehyung here, tonight has been very special. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a dinner engagement with ____," Namjoon says, looking down at the brunette girl with a grin and an extended hand.

She looks up to him sweetly before saying, "I lied. Thanks for calming everyone down but since you're not a Spanish tutor, just a lying creep who purposely upset everyone in an attempt to get with me, I'd appreciate it if you left and stopped wasting all of our time."

Namjoon quickly digested his shock and muttered out, "Fine, and I'm happy to report that one of the benefits of being a lying creep is having all the answers to tomorrow's test," he gestures to the thick manila folder on the table in front of him. "And I'm happy to share them with anyone who's time I've wasted more than they've wasted mine," his eyes glance over to the young brunette beside him, noting the way she is glaring at him with, somehow, adorably flared nostrils.

"Uh, Namjoon. If you have all the answers, why the hell did you start this study group?" Yoongi asks with an appropriate amount of confusion.

"I don't have a study group, I made it up," Namjoon stated frankly.

Jimin's brows knit in dejection, a small but noticeable pout becoming more obvious as his bottom lip starts to tremble just by the slightest, "But... What about your speech?"

"I made it up! That's what I do, I make things up and I got paid a lot of money to do it before I came to this school shaped toilet, I was a lawyer."

Everybody moans and groans at the mention of the fact that Namjoon was a lawyer, eyes rolling and noses scrunching.

"I thought you were Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Michael Douglas in any of his films," Taehyung tells Namjoon with the same monotonous tone he'd been using all day, though this time it seemed to be tinged with a bit of disappointment.

"Oh yeah? Well, you have Asperger's." Namjoon says bluntly before gathering his things in his arms and slamming the study room door behind him. The young brunette girl's gaze falls to the vacant spot at the doorway left by his vacuous presence, horrified at his change in attitude. There wasn't a doubt in her mind that this dude was sketchy, from the moment she laid her eyes on him at the back of Spanish class, sitting uninterestedly in each lesson with his phone in his hand paying attention to nobody, not even the teacher which she considered to be quite the feat since the Spanish teacher was... an inconceivable character, to say the least.

What was scary was that she had also doubted that he was telling the truth about his deal with her earlier. Maybe he really is honest. The real difficulty in this was deciding whether that was a good thing or not.

"Did he just say 'ass burger'?" Jungkook snorted, slapping the table.

"It's a serious disorder," Jimin tells Jungkook, "It really is," Seokjin concurs, becoming upset that Jungkook, and now Yoongi, appear to be making fun of the name.

"If it's so serious, why don't they call it 'professional burger'?" Yoongi wheezes, lightly slapping Jungkook on the arm as they quietly laugh with each other.

Taehyung didn't seem to mind one bit. If he did, he didn't show it which helped to settle the brunette girl's worries by a smidge.

Namjoon stepped outside the library building with a huff, exasperated from being in such a draining situation. In the back of his mind, he couldn't believe that he had done what he did to these strangers. Well, they were his classmates and that made it worse, him realizing that he would have to see these people again in the future. Pushing those thoughts to the very darkest depths of his mind, he inhaled the cold air of the outside, staying under the light of the library veranda so he could actually get a good look at those papers that Hyun had given him. At least one good thing came out of this day, or so he thought.

Opening the seal at the top of the large manila, he proceeded to pull out a thick pile of papers, the first of which appeared to be blank. Namjoon's heart began to race as he flipped through the hundreds of papers in his hands to find that they were all blank on both sides except for the last paper which had the word 'booyah' written in all caps in Sharpie.

"Hyun," Namjoon growled under his breath, shoving the papers back into the manila folder angrily and making his way to the professor's office.

There sat Hyun with his feet crossed on top of his desk, leaning back in his office chair and sipping on a glass of brandy when Namjoon slammed his office door open.

"Okay, now before you say anything, I want you to think about the gift you've been given," Hyun hummed happily, raising his glass to Namjoon leaning against his office doorway.

"An excuse to punch a pathetic professor at a community college?" Namjoon tilts his head with a far too serious expression.

Hyun coughs, "Erm, no, not that. An important lesson, my friend. You see, the tools you acquired to survive out there will not help you here at Greendale. What you have here my friend is a second chance at an honest life."

"Give me my keys," Namjoon demands from him, clearly ignoring his friend's pitiful attempt to teach him a lesson about integrity, honesty or what have you.

"W-what? No, I have to keep your car for the lesson- Okay, don't hit me!" Hyun shrieks and tosses the car keys to Namjoon once he begins to storm over to his friend's desk with rage-filled eyes.

Namjoon walks away quickly, desperate to be anywhere but at that school at the moment. "Are we cool!?" Hyun shouts out the door as soon as he's gone, pausing for a moment to wait for a response. When he gets nothing in return, he just shrugs and sips his brandy, "We cool.".

"I like you, Namjoon," Yoongi says to the younger man as he spots him walking briskly past the entrance to the library, "You remind me of myself when I was your age."

Namjoon pauses and sighs, hanging his head low at the prospect of being similar to this older and, from what he's seen so far, a horribly awkward but entitled individual. "I deserve that."

He walks up the stairs to sit next to the older boy, seating himself one step down on the stairs so they were equal in height. "Y'know, I've been called grandpa nine times now? I mean, there are literal grandpas here on campus but even they don't called grandpa. They get called by their first names, like normal grandpas. Sometimes I think I'm doing something wrong."

Namjoon put his hand on Yoongi's shoulder and said to him, "Maybe it's because of the way you act. You fall asleep everywhere, you always ask the most random questions and you scowl at everyone and you say stuff like 'when I was your age' to people that aren't that much younger than you. You've gotta stop doing that, man."

Yoongi sighed, "I've never looked at it that way..."

"Hey guys," Hoseok spoke up, coming up from behind them.

"Oh, hey," Namjoon said to him. "Aren't you guys supposed to be studying right now?"

Jungkook emerged from around the corner and shrugged, "It kinda got boring after you left," he admitted. Following him out of the entrance of the library was the rest of the group, Seokjin, Taehyung, Jimin and the brunette girl.

"Shouldn't you be rolling around on a bed covered in test answers," the brunette girl smirked down at him, her hands holding the strap of her bag.

"I don't have any of the answers," he said with a tight smile, abandoning the manila folder on to the steps below him, "I'm just gonna fail the test."

"If you just study for like an hour, it's not that hard," Hoseok told him, "Yeah," Jungkook agreed. "You seem pretty smart, you have a sports coat," Jungkook told him, gesturing to Namjoon's jacket.

"Well, the funny thing about being smart is that you can get through most of life without ever having to do any work. So, uh, I'm not really... Sure how to do that," Namjoon confessed with solace, hanging his head low.

Behind him, the group began silently gesturing to each other. Jimin mouthed to the brunette girl, "Please? he's so sad." In return, the brunette girl mimed, pointing at Namjoon and then putting a finger in her mouth and pretend-puking. Seokjin expressed saddened shock, clasping his hands together as if he were begging the brunette girl into agreeing with them.

Taehyung looked at the scene with confusion and he spoke up, "What's going on? Can you guys hear me right now? Am I deaf, can you guys hear me talking? Can you guys hear me talking right now?" the group all said "Yes" in response. "Ah, okay, good," Taehyung said, giving them a thumbs up.

"Y'know what? Namjoon, we actually didn't get that far without you so if you wanna come back inside..." the brunette girl said to him.

"Really?" Namjoon asked with an uncertain tone.

"Well, it is your study group." The brunette girl said with a lopsided grin, turning around and stepping back into the library.

"Come on, let's study," Seokjin said to him sweetly, following the brunette girl back into the building. "Sounds good," Yoongi replied, patting Namjoon on the shoulder and going back inside with Hoseok, Jungkook, and Jimin trailing behind him.

"I'm sorry I called you Michael Douglas and I see your value now," Taehyung said to him, stepping past Namjoon and entering the library.

"Well, that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me," Namjoon said to himself, pushing himself off the steps and walking back into the library to join the unlikely group that he had just created, a group that he somehow feels he will be close with. Sure, they had gotten off to a rocky and deceitful start, but he can tell that some of them are already warming up to each other despite having argued for hours both in and out of his absence. That's gotta say something.

Perhaps it's saying that they really are a community now.

[animeniacss]

6 Years - Hoseok x Reader - Chapter 9 - The Flu Hits Home

Synopsis: 6 years. That’s all it can take to take another look at someone and see that they have completely changed. You were once an eager 20-year-old, with your dreams all in view, and Jung Hoseok at your side to view them with you. However, after a break up the end of your junior year of college, everything seemed different. Now, you’re a recently divorced single mother of two, and your life is nowhere near what you thought it would be. However, after reuniting with Jung Hoseok, you may just be able to capture a little bit of that exciting youth you once knew so long ago.

Feat. BTS Members, Nayeon (TWICE), and Yuna (itzy)

Genre: Romance, SingleMother!AU, Past Relationship, Drama, Some Depictions of Violence/Domestic Abuse

Length: approx. 4.9k words

Chapter 9 - The Flu Hits Home

As you stood beside the counter, running a hand through your hair, you could faintly hear Hoseok reading to the girls. Hearing his high-pitched voice as he read the story, it really made you smile. You were so glad that Hoseok had no problem reading to them. Curiosity got the better of you after a few more minutes, you walked towards the bedroom. The door was opened slightly, allowing you to get a glimpse of Min Ja’s bed.

           Hoseok was sitting with his back against the wall, book in his hands. Min Ja was sitting beside him, snug under her pink covers. Grinning, she watched as he turned the pages. Hyo Bin was on the other side of him, her eyes mostly closed. She was probably very close to falling asleep as she rested on his chest. Hoseok was beaming as he read the story, Min Ja copying all his wild noises and voices.

           “And then, the little girl ran alllllll the way through the forest with the magic jewel.” Hoseok beamed, pointing to the little girl on one page. “See? Look…. weeeee.” He traced his finger along the trail, and Min Ja stuck her finger out to do the same, giggling as they both made the noise together, quiet enough to not wake Hyo Bin up. “Where’s she going?”

           “She’s going to the castle.” Min Ja pointed out. “But I can’t tell you why because you have to read it.”

           “Oh, okay.” Hoseok chuckled a bit, turning the page. Resting against the door frame, you watched Hoseok finish the story about a princess who saved the world. Min Ja was getting sleepier and sleepier with every turning page, rubbing her eyes and yawning as she rested against Hoseok to listen to him read it. When he noticed she was getting sleepier, his voices toned down just a bit. “Wow, that was good, huh?” He asked, closing the finished storybook.

           “Mhm…” Min Ja nodded, rubbing her eyes.

           “Are you tired now?”

           “No. You have to read another one.” You murmured. Hoseok chuckled.

           “Min Ja, it’s time to go to sleep. Mr. Hobi read you a story already…” You finally cut in, walking towards the bed. You took Hyo Bin into your arms, not waking her up as she curled into your touch.

           “Mr. Hobi?” Min Ja began, yawning as she watched Hoseok get up off the bed. “Can you read more stories soon?”

           “Of course, I can.” He said cheerfully, watching you set Hyo Bin into her bed and tucking her under the covers. “But it’s time to sleep now, alright?”

           “Kay…” she pouted, nuzzling under her covers. You walked over, fixing her blankets before planting a small kiss on her forehead. Min Ja’s big eyes closed after a few moments, and it wasn’t long before the room was filled with only the sounds of faint snoring. Turning to Hoseok, you motioned for him to quietly exit the room, closing the door behind you.

           “I appreciate that…” you said softly as the two of you returned to the living room.

           “It was fun.” He said happily. “But it’s been a long day, I’m exhausted.” He admitted, letting out an exhausted sighed. “Taking care of two girls for a whole day is crazy.”

           “Please, tell me more about it.” You teased sarcastically, crossing your arms. Hoseok grinned a bit as you led him to the door. He slid on his shoes, grabbed his belongings, and turned to you.

           “I hope you had a good time today.” He said sweetly.

           “I had a lot of fun. I appreciate you taking us out like this.”

           “Of course. Like I said, I wanted to help de-stress you guys. Did it work?”

           “Well, my back still hurts, I’m starting to see double, and I really want a drink. So, not much has changed.” You replied, a grin forming on your face. “But I did get that amazing video of you being terrified by that snake.”

           “Aaaaaaah…” Hoseok groaned. “I cannot believe you got that on video. You do realize how long that thing was, right?”

           “Yeah. That made it even funnier. I think it was trying to play with you.”

           “Well, I wasn’t interested.” Hoseok huffed. You laughed again as the memory flashed through your mind. As you stopped yourself from laughing, you glanced up at Hoseok again. You felt so calm, which was what Hoseok was trying to have happened. Sure, any day dragging around two children under five would leave any sane person exhausted, but internally, you felt so calm and so relieved that you got to spend a day just enjoying yourself instead of stressing out over the thought of Weong-Bin and his idiocy. When was the last time you felt that way? You had no idea. Without thinking, you took a step closer to Hoseok, and he blinked. “Hm?”

           “Hey…weird request…but can I have a hug?” Without hesitation, Hoseok grinned and opened up his arms.

           “Of course.” He said, practically beaming. Almost immediately, you latched yourself onto him, your hands wrapping around his torso. He was so warm, and you couldn’t help but nuzzle your head into his chest. You could hear him chuckle as his arms wrapped around you. “Not that I mind, but any particular reason?”

           “Your hugs always made me feel better, that’s all.”

           “So, I could have saved a whole days’ worth of won today if I had just given you a hug?” He teased. You both let out a small laugh, and you only hugged him tighter. “I’m kidding.”

           “I know.” You said. “Thank you for today.”

           “Ahh, don’t mention it.” He repeated again. “I like spending time with you.”

           “I hope we get to do more stuff like this.”

           “Just let me know when you’re free and we can work it out.” He said simply. You sighed, closing your eyes as you just allowed this tight hug to envelop your entire body. “…Is there anything else bothering you?” He asked curiously.

           “Other then the ex-husband stuff? No.” you admitted. “Everything that comes and goes in my mind kind of falls back onto that.”

“Ah…”

You were silent for a moment. There was a wave of emotions hitting you right now, some that were good, and others that you would rather go away and never come back. After that moment passed, you let out a deep, almost frustrated sigh. “Damn you’re so comfy.” You pouted. Hoseok chuckled a bit, resting his chin on top of your head.

           “Thank you.” He said softly. “I’ll wait here for a few more minutes until you’re ready to let go.” You nodded, your hands gripping onto the back of his shirt. At this moment, you felt that if you let him go now, you may never get him back. It felt silly to think such a thing, that much you knew, but still. Being in this moment made you feel safe and content, and you didn’t want that moment to leave you.

           “Okay…” you said softly, finally pulling back from the hug. “I’ll let you get going.” Hoseok nodded, stuffing his hands into his pockets, allowing only the thumbs to poke out. “Get home safe.”

           “I will.” He said happily. Nodding, you waved him off as he headed towards the elevator. Slowly closing and locking the door, you took a deep breath of air into your lungs, held it for a moment, and exhaled it out into the air. You always knew deep down, even when you were married, that the way you felt for Hoseok had never truly left you. It wasn’t something you ever spoke about, but you knew it was true. Maybe that was why Weong-Bin didn’t even like the guy. You knew him in college, and he was well aware of your relationship with Hoseok from beginning to end. Feeling your mind begin to race with different thoughts and feelings, you knew it was time to go to bed.

---

           Sunday was a good day too, another one that you had off. You spent the time with the girls in the apartment, giving the family a chance to sleep in before getting up and spending as much time as you could coloring, watching TV, or just playing some games. Time to just have a lazy day with the girls did not come around often, but you were so happy when it did. The three of you were sitting around the kitchen table, just after lunch, coloring. Min Ja was drawing pictures of the zoo to show to her daycare friends the next day, and Hyo Bin was scribbling. Well, sort of. She had woken up crankier than usual, but you assumed she was still lethargic from the day prior and needed more time to sleep. However, she was absolutely refusing to be put down for a nap. You were unsure why, you could see that she was tired, but every time you tried to put her into bed, she would kick and scream and cry, begging to be picked up again. It was odd, but you tried to push it off as a rough day, one that would balance itself out as the hours passed.

           It didn’t though. Instead, it only got worse. As Sunday turned to Monday, you found Hyo Bin only getting fussier and more difficult with every passing hour. It got to the point where she refused to eat. Anything that was put near her the mouth was quickly rejected and met with a fit of whimpers and sobs instead. You had no idea what to do. Trying to think of something quick, you gave her some children’s medicine, one that induced some drowsiness, and put her to bed early.

           “Mommy, what’s wrong with Hyo Bin?” Min Ja asked curiously as she watched you exit your daughter’s room. You sighed.

           “I don’t know. Maybe she’s getting sick.” You admitted.

           “Oh…” She nodded.

           “Yeah. So how about you sleep in my bed with me tonight? Just so we don’t get sick too.” Min Ja’s eyes sparkled, and she nodded eagerly.

           “Okay!” She said happily. You helped her get ready for bed, and the two of you spent the next little while snuggled under your covers with the TV on. Nothing much for kids was on at this hour, just a few different cartoons and game shows that kept Min Ja giggling at chatting for an extra hour. It wasn’t too much longer before the sound of the TV lulled Min Ja to sleep, and you turned it off. Hoping that whatever was bothering Hyo Bin would pass, you found yourself unable to sleep, anticipating the worst.

           Unfortunately for you, just as you were about to go to sleep, your mind trying to assure itself that Hyo Bin was most likely getting a little cold and would be fine, you heard a noise coming from the girl’s bedroom off the baby monitor. The sound of whimpering, the sound of sobbing, the sound of gagging. Quickly, you shot up in your bed, the sudden shift waking Min Ja up from her slumber as you got out of bed and hurried into the bedroom.

           “Hyo Bin?” you called out, turning the light on and hurrying over to the crib. Leaning in, you got a good look at your daughter. She was pale as a ghost, her eyes heavy as if she hasn’t slept since you put her into bed. You quickly scooped her up into your arms and pressed a hand to her forehead. “Oh my God, you’re burning up.” You gasped, rubbing her back. “Okay…okay…” Hyo Bin weakly gripped onto your nightshirt, sniffling as you tried to calm her down. She was coughing and wheezing as if she was struggling to catch her breath. “Ooooh baby, okay. Let’s go take your temperature.” Heading out of the room and towards the bathroom, you passed Min Ja, who was standing at the door watching.

           “Mommy?” she called out in curiosity. When she saw you enter the bathroom, she quickly followed. “Mommy, what’s wrong?” you could hear in her voice that she was starting to get scared.

           “Nothing, Min. Go back to Mommy’s bed. Hyo Bin just isn’t feeling well.”

           “Noo…” she whimpered, eyes watering as she hid behind the bathroom door. You sighed, deciding arguing would only make things worse. You sat on the toilet, Hyo Bin in your lap as you put the thermometer in her ear. She tried to squirm a bit, but you managed to get a temperature.

           “…Oh God, 103 degrees. You sighed, holding Hyo Bin close as she continued to cough. It was deep, and you could hear the phlegm in her chest as she coughed, making her whine. “Okay…” standing up, you headed into the kitchen and attempted to find an ice pack or cooling rag to use. When you did, you placed the cold rag around her neck and heard her let out a deep sigh. “There you go, better, huh?” you smiled softly, rubbing her back.

           “Mamaaaa…” she sobbed, sniffling. You tried to soothe her as you thought about how you needed to take off work for god knows how long, and somehow get Min Ja to go to daycare without causing too much of a fuss.

           “I know, sweetie. We’re going to go see Doctor Park tomorrow, yeah?” You hummed softly, kissing her forehead. You continued trying to soother her back to sleep, but there was no way it was going to happen. Checking the time, you saw it was 1 that next morning, and you needed to get Min Ja to sleep so she wouldn’t be tired the next day. “Come on, let’s go to bed.” You led the girls back inside, having Min Ja get into bed with the promise that you would stay in there with Hyo Bin. You made sure to keep your distance, grabbing a mask from the bathroom and using it to cover Hyo Bin’s mouth in case she coughed anymore. “Min Ja, you need to go to bed.” You said softly, watching your daughter toss and turn in her sleep.

           “I don’t wanna.” She pouted. “I wanna stay with you and Hyo Bin.”

           “If you don’t rest, you’ll get sick too.” You pleaded. “I promise, I’ll be right here.” Hyo Bin let out a few more coughs into her mask and you rubbed her back. “Please, Min….” Min Ja pouted, nuzzling her head into the pillow as she pulled the blanket over herself. You watched her eyes stare at you for what felt like forever, but the darkness of the room and the silence caused exhaustion to overcome her, and she was soon fast asleep. With that settled, you walked back out into the kitchen and sat on one of the chairs, Hyo Bin in your arms as you tried to get her to sleep next. She was much more of a challenge, sobbing and fussing the entire time. Every moment that she seemed she would be falling asleep; a deep cough would hit and startle her back awake. You knew that there was no way you were getting any sleep.

           The next morning, you woke up to the sound of your alarm blaring from your bedroom. You had fallen asleep on the couch with Hyo Bin on your chest only an hour ago, but it felt like five minutes. Groaning, you got up, carrying Hyo Bin in your arms. She was still sleeping soundly, and you took her to her room, placing her in her crib so that you could go get Min Ja ready.

           “I don’t wanna go to daycare, I wanna stay home!” Min Ja begged, trying to stop you from getting her dressed.

           “Sweetie, please.” You begged. “I need to take Hyo Bin to the doctor and if you’re to close, then you’ll get sick too. I can’t have two sick babies, now can I?” You asked. Min Ja felt her eyes start to water, and she quickly hugged you. “Min Ja…” you sighed softly, holding her close to you. “Hyo Bin will be okay.” You said. “I promise. I’ll pick you up early. I just need to take her to the doctor…”

           “Okay…” she sniffled.

           “Besides, don’t you want to tell the kids all about the zoo?” you asked curiously. Min Ja nodded. “I’ll send Miss Yun Yun the pictures while we wait for the doctor, I promise.” Min Ja sniffled, wiping her eyes dry. “Okay, good. Now, to call out of work.”

           When you called, you got Jungkook on the phone. Explaining the situation, he said that today looked like it was going to be slow, since not that many appointments were scheduled. It almost made him laugh when you asked to make an appointment for Hyo Bin as early as possible, and he managed to get you in first. Relief washed over you knowing that the staff insisted you take as much time as needed. With everything settled and prepared, you threw on a pair of stretch pants and a tee-shirt before whisking your kids out the door.

           After dropping Min Ja off at the daycare, and having another mini battle wither about going, you were on the next train to the doctor’s office. Hyo Bin had woken up by now and still had a deep cough, making you keep your distance from everyone else on the train. While you were glad that she began to show symptoms earlier rather than later, you knew that by the severity of the symptoms that you were going to be out of work for a few more days.

---

           “Alright, come on in.” Dr. Park called, smiling as you entered the waiting room. “Much different seeing you here without scrubs on.” He teased, making you chuckle.

           “I know, I’m sorry it was so last minute.”

           “Oh please, kid’s getting the flu is always last minute.” Once you got into the room, he began an examination of Hyo Bin. He knew all of her shots and records because he was the one to administer them to her since birth. Hyo Bin was squirming, not wanting to be touched, but being a professional, Dr. Park was able to complete the examination anyway. “Yeah, it definitely looks like the flu. She’ll be out of commission for a year the next four days.”

           “Christ, I don’t have anyone to babysit her.”

      ��    “Don’t worry.” He assured. “You’ve racked up a lot of time off. Use it, stay with her.”

           “But who will you get?”

           “Actually, Seokjin was asking about taking a few hours here and there for some extra cash. I’ll call him and see if he can take over your shift at all.” You sighed in relief, though finding this out was new information. “I’ll go make that call and write her a prescription. You’ll be out of here in no time.”

           “Thanks.” You said softly, smiling as you watched him walk out. Moments later, there was a knock at the door again, and Jungkook stepped in.

           “Hey.” He smiled. “How is she?”

           “Flu.” You sighed. “I won’t be here for a while. Dr. Park said Seokjin might be able to take my hours for the next few days.” Jungkook grinned. He had always liked Seokjin, since Seokjin trained him when he first got hired. Jungkook saw Hyo Bin resting against your chest, hiding her face as she coughed into her little mask. When Dr. Park returned with the prescription and also confirming that Seokjin would be working those hours, you hummed and left with a thank you.

           On the train ride back home, you called in the prescription and then phoned Seokjin. It rang for a moment, but then he answered.

           “Heeeello~? World Wide Handsome speaking.” You heard him say. It’s been a while since you really got to speak to him.

           “Hey.” You hummed. “Dr. Park told me you’re taking hours again at the office. Is work not going well?”

           “Hm? Oh no. Work is going wonderful! But you would know if you came to see me.” He huffed playfully, and you chuckled. “But I only work four days a week at night. I need more money, so I called and asked if I could work a few hours here and there at the office in the mornings.” He explained. “And my first day back, I’m taking over for you? Lucky meeeee.” You chuckled a bit. You could hear him set you on speakerphone, most likely to get himself ready to hop on the next train to the office.

           “Well I’ll let you go get ready.” You hummed. “I’m going home to sleep, I’m exhausted.”

           “You sound it.” Seokjin teased, laughing a bit. “But I hope Hyo Bin gets better.”  

           “Thanks.” You said your goodbyes and hung up the phone. Hyo Bin was sound asleep the entire train ride home, thank god. You made sure to stop and pick up her medicine, along with a few home remedies from the local pharmacy, before taking Hyo Bin home. She slept soundly in her bed, the medicine coursing through her little body, and you collapsed on the couch not long after her. You were exhausted, only running on about 3 hours of sleep, if even that. It wasn’t long before sleep overtook you as well, and the apartment was silent.

           You slept for what felt like forever, but it was only for a few hours, before Hyo Bin stirred from her sleep and began coughing. Forcing yourself out of your seat, you headed into the bedroom. It had been almost 12 hours since your daughter had really eaten anything of substance, so that was the next thing to accomplish on your list.

           Hyo Bin was a lot easier to feed than she has been over the past few days. She took some scrambled eggs and juice without much fuss, and you could see how relaxed and calmer she looked now that she was eating. It calmed you down too, and though her coughing was still horribly deep, and she was still warm, you were glad she was eating again.

           “Feel better?” you hummed, smiling as Hyo Bin nodded. “Let’s go inside…” You found yourself sitting on the couch, your muscles relaxing as you turned on the TV. Hyo Bin lied on the couch, and you put a blanket over her before turning to her favorite channel. Time passed idly, the noise from the TV keeping Hyo Bin occupied as she drifted in and out of sleep. You took this newfound time to do some house cleaning. Dishes were finally removed from the dishwasher, you got to clean the counters, clean up the girl’s rooms, and do some laundry. It was exhausting, but if you didn’t do it now, it would never get done. You made sure to watch Hyo Bin closely, checking up on here every once in a while, as she slept on the couch. Once the bedroom was cleaned, you transferred your sleeping toddler into bed, turning on some soft music in hopes of keeping her to sleep with the gentle noise. It was just as you were heading inside to get some lunch for yourself when your phone began to ring. “Hm?”

           Pulling your phone from your back pocket, you saw that Hobi was calling you. You had changed his contact photo to a picture of him with the girls that you had taken at the zoo. He was sitting beside Min Ja with Hyo Bin on his lap, the selfie angled up to get all three of them in it. Min Ja was throwing up a peace sign with Hoseok, and Hyo Bin was holding her bag of popcorn in her hands. It was a cute picture. Smiling, you quickly answered.

           “Hey.” You said happily.

           “Hey.” He hummed happily. “I hope I’m not bothering you. Are you at work?”

           “No, not today.” You sighed. “Hyo Bin must have gotten sick at the zoo. She’s got a massive fever and hasn’t really been eating too much all day.” Hoseok let out a deep, sympathetic sigh.

           “Aww, man. That’s rough. I hope she gets better soon.”

           “Thank you. She’s sleeping now. Hopefully, the medicine will break the fever in a few days…” you let out a deep sigh. “Are you working today?”

           “Sort of. Jimin and I have started some auditions for the upcoming year. We start in about 20 minutes, so I thought I would just call and see how you were doing.” You couldn’t help but smile at the idea that you were first on Hoseok’s mind more and more with each passing day.

           “I hope that goes well.” You said. “Are you still just focusing on the studio's hip hop class?”

           “Yeah. Jimin said depending on who auditions, we might expand and add a few more classes for a few different ages.”

           “That’s wonderful.” You said happily. “I told you it would happen.” Hoseok chuckled. “Well, I’ll let you go. Let me know how auditions go, okay?”

           “I will.” He said. “And tell Hyo Bin to get better soon.”

           “Will do.”

           “Mostly because as soon as she’s better, I was hoping that you and I can get dinner again.” Hearing that made another smile grace your lips. “I know it’s something we’ve been talking about for a while.”

           “Yeah. That actually sounds really nice.” You said happily. “A friend of mine has been pestering me for months to come to see him at the restaurant he works at.” Hoseok chuckled a bit.

           “That sounds perfect. We’ll start making plans once Hyo Bin is feeling better again.”

           “Alright, sounds good.” You hummed. “I should get going, though.”

           “Absolutely. I’ll let you go.” Hoseok said. “Bye~.”

           “Bye.” You hung up and set your phone back in your pocket, biting your lip at the thought of going out to dinner with Hoseok again. It had been a while since both of you had alone time with one another, and it was something you were missing. So, you were hoping that Hyo Bin would get better as soon as possible, for both your sakes.

           Hyo Bin slept soundly until you had to go get Min Ja from daycare. You felt bad that you had promised to pick her up early, but after cleaning the house and trying to get things ready, you realized that more time had passed than you wanted to. Luckily, Min Ja didn’t really seem to notice. You had sent over the pictures of the zoo, and Min Ja spent the entire day talking about her experiences petting the alpacas, seeing the bears, and even tried to tell the story about the giant snake that terrified Hoseok and Hyo Bin. She even showed her red panda stuffed animal to her friends, which you brought with you upon picking her up.

           “Everyone said they liked my pictures, Mommy.” Min Ja beamed happily as you brought her back into the house.

           “That’s great, sweetie.” You said happily. “I told you everyone would enjoy it.”

           “Is Hyo Bin feeling better?” she asked curiously, looking up to see her sleeping sister in your arms.

           “She’s doing better.” You said happily. “But she needs to take medicine. Her shot didn’t work and she got the flu.”

           “Oh…” Min Ja said softly.

           Upon entering the house, you got Hyo Bin into bed and put the TV on for Min Ja before starting on dinner. Surprisingly, when you served the simple meal to your daughters, Hyo Bin was taking the food down without issue again. You were glad to see that she was eating, and hoping that it was a sign of her quick recovery.

           The girls went to bed early that night, you gave them a quick bath and managed to read one story before the girls were out like a light. With a kiss to their foreheads and a firm tuck into bed, you headed into your room and threw on a pair of freshly cleaned pajamas.

           “God, what a day…” you mumbled, curling up in bed and putting a pillow over your face. You tried to take solace in the idea that once Hyo Bin was feeling better, you would be getting yourself ready for another dinner date with Hoseok. That made you excited, and it made you motivated. Thoughts of that day helped you relax enough to fall asleep.

           You had slept for about 3 hours, before the sound of feet rushing into your room startled you awake. Sitting up, you saw Min Ja standing at the end of your bed. Turning on the light, you saw Min Ja looked frantic, eyes wide.

           “Min Ja? What’s wrong?!” You gasped.

           “Hyo Bin is coughing super loud, Mommy…I think she’s throwing up.” Min Ja said. Almost immediately, you jumped up and hurried into the bedroom, the sound of your daughter gagging, coughing and sobbing just as she was the previous night. Upon entering the room, you saw Hyo Bin standing up in her bed, face pale as she was covering her mouth.

           “Hyo Bin.” You hummed, scooping her up in your arms. She clung to you as you led her into the bathroom, giving her a toilet to continue any throwing up she had to do. You sighed, rubbing her back as you tried to calm her down. Min Ja was once again standing by the door, peeking her little head in as she watched her sister sob into your arms. “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay. Your tummy is just not ready to eat the food right now. It’s okay.” As Hyo Bin finally calmed down, her body shaking as she coughed, you let out a deep and frustrated groan.

           The flu was a bastard of an illness, and you just wished you could take the burden of this pain from her, and get rid of it faster.

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[toomuchawesomenessforyou]

Thank you @ifindus for tagging me 🌼 and sorry about the 9. question: I couldn’t describe the situation wtih any less words 😅. Still, I had fun with all of this!

🌸🌸🌸

1) What’s your favourite place in the world?

Stony shores and raised bogs: just a good broad red-coloured raised bog full of cranberries and hare's-tail cottongrass and if you bother to look a little closer then you’ll notice the tiny pink sundews glistening in the sun. And the smell of both the raised bog and the sea is just the best. So soothing.

2) What’s your favourite book?

“Pokuraamat” (“The Poku Book”) by Edgar Valter probably XD Idk but it was my fave as I was a child and the aesthetic is still deeply engraved into my heart <3 I actually adore “Memoirs of Ivan Orav or the Past as Azure Mountains” by Andrus Kivirähk as well. I love history so a good parody about our tragic past is just my jam. I mean what else there is to do to just laugh about it all and move one. No one cares about the little nations anyways. 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

3) What’s a guilty pleasure you have?

I wouldn’t deem it that guilty of a pleasure since I’ll always stay a child in my heart (I promised Pippi!) but anything “childish”, if you may, I still enjoy even though I’m a grown up now. Like playing on a playground or tag with friends. The only tragic thing is that I don’t have anyone to “play” with since everyone is too busy being “grown up” and thinking about their image in front of strangers. Well, at least I know how to still enjoy life. 😛

4) What’s your favourite snacks?

Blueberries, blackcurrants and gooseberries. Sadly it’s the type of snack you won’t get fresh the whole year.

5) Do you have any musicals you like?

To be honest I haven’t seen that many but the most recent ones I adored were Hamilton and Les Misérables. The last one I got to see in real life and damn the actor for Javert and his costume were hot! (Guess his songs helped to create this chilly atmosphere full of authority)

6) Do you have any games you like?

Since it’s me we’re only talking about board games. I love Dixit a lot. There’s like four extensions to it on my shelf. 

7) What are you most looking forward to do after this pandemic is over?

Since my time during the quarantine was dedicated to Zoom seminars and writing my thesis I’m planning on resting when I’m finally finished with the latter. I’d like to go hiking and dedicate more time to drawing and writing fanfiction since I’ve come up with so many new ideas for stories over this time under quarantine.

8) What’s your favourite disney movie?

🐉🗡️ MULAN !!!!!! 100% NO questions asked! It always was and always will be my favourite. Still, an honorary mention will be given to Atlantis as well.

9) What are you most proud of in your life?

In the 7. grade I went to the German Department in my school which basically meant that all the main subjects were in German with German teachers from Germany. So the 7. grade me was quite shooketh with the sudden intense German 24/7 and when my Math teacher asked me a question and I didn’t know the answer to it I went red in my face. The teacher noticed it and with a loud voice told the whole class “Haha, your face is as red as a lobster!!” ...okay, teacher. It happened once more only this time it was “Haha, your face is as red as your deskmate’s sweater!!” Since that day I decided to hide my emotions from that teacher as well as I could and never speak in his class or else he’s gonna comment on something that I can’t really change in front of everyone again. I mastered the art of “I have no emotions” and actually never spoke in his class again. The thing was that this type of handling the teachers I soon started to practice in other German subjects as well because most of the teachers happened to be difficult persons which meant that the perfect way to deal with them without any problems was silently obeying. I mastered that as well. Now, the problem was that for Germans speaking is apparently a very important part of the class. 50% of the grade of one subject consisted of only speaking in class. And I HATED that. Still do! Because it didn’t matter if you perfectly and carefully summed up everything in one sentence. The only way you were valid in the eyes of the German teachers was when you talked a lot, even if it was just straight up bullshit. I’ve never been the type of a guy to just talk about something, I need to get straight to the point and that didn’t go well with the teachers. Basically, everyone thought that I just wasn’t good enough in German so that’s why I never talked.

Now fast forward to the end of the 12. grade where we were taking our Abitur and specifically the speaking part of the German exam which consisted of 20 min non-stop talking about a literary piece we were handed 15 min prior. No doubt no one had any faith in my German skills because I had never talked in the class that much. And boy how everyone in the room was shook when the results were announced and I actually was the second best with my score in the speaking part in the whole class full of literal geniuses. My German Literature teacher seeked my out twice, once even during the after-party of our graduation, to ask “How did you do that?” The second time he asked I decided that I’ve had enough with playing this obedient silent student and told him that I started learning 3 days before the exam day (which was outrageous by the standards of my German teachers) and that I actually never read more that one chapter from one of the four books that were chosen for our Abitur because I hated it so much. And you know how he answered? He said a tiny “oh” and walked silently away. No comments. No nothing. I felt so empowered. So alive suddenly. It was the last day I had to see those teachers in my life  and I actually threw away my shackles and for once said what I actually thought into their face. I’ll probably always deem this moment as the proudest moments I’ve ever had.

10) What makes you happy?

🎶 Singing. I have been in a choir since I was 3, for two years I was in a school band and every now and then I would perform during public ceremonies in school or for the important guests there. I’ve never officially learned singing anywhere but experience is a good teacher as well :) Singing is one of the few things that always helps me forget my problems and makes everything feel so much better.

Hiking in nature makes me content as well. I dare to say that I am quite a nature loving person. Just hand me my camera and the normally 30 min long stroll through the woods will turn into a 3 hour long session of capturing the tiniest details the forest has to offer.

Travelling is a passion of mine as well but I’m not rich so yeah there’s that… 

🌸🌸🌸

I’m tagging @justajojokejobro, @kakashis-kunoichi, @sand-rose, @succulentbutt, @who-let-the-deans-out-doctor-who, @louiserandom, @hokutodecuisine, @raven1aris and anyone else who wants to participate!

My questions for you can be found under the cut:

1) What is your favourite kind of cake?

2) What language would you want to magically learn overnight and why?

3) What do you think about Eurovision? (Do you have any favourite performances?)

4) What is the best food your mother/grandmother makes/has made?

5) Do you have any people in your family tree whose history is interesting or about who you know a funny story you would like to share?

6) Do you collect anything?

7) What are you good at?

8) What is something you are trying to achieve or master at the moment?

9) Is there something weird/uncommon that you like/do?

10) What makes you happy?

[writingsofmyimagination]

Conjecture |4|

Yoongi x Reader

Idol Reader Au, Enemies to Lovers AU

Summary: Your management refused to renew your contract unless you collaborated, so you ending up working with Min Yoongi. A guy you’d disliked from before both of your debuts. There is more to their past than meets the eye.

Words:2713

Links to other parts in my masterlist

if you want to be tagged let me know :)

@msunnsstuff @rosey-roseu @eyelessmin

Warnings: Swearing Suggested smut. (Smut in next chapter YAY :)

(Mention’s on Monsta X’s Wonho)

Reblog, Like, Comment :)

//Yoongi had to consciously stop his mouth falling open when you came onto the set. He had to retain the same control over his gaze stopping them from constantly soaking up the view. When he was directed to grip at your hip, his heart forgot to function for a few beats. He wasn’t surprised by your irritated reaction given how you’d been acting and made himself empathise with you even though his less than innocent thoughts were permeating through.//

 You jolted awake

“Fuck” was all you heard muffled through your door accompanied by the sound of glass shattering. You rushed out of bed to the source of the noise. A section of the floor was blurred with a pool of orange juice with glass shards floating as debris. What was more alarming was the droplets of red falling and causing a red orange ripple throughout the pool. Yoongi was hissing through pursed lips and gripping his left hand with his right nursing it with a tea towel.

“What happened? Sit down” you ordered. He looked at you through his fringe which overshadowed his eyes.

“I just turned with the glass in my hand which wasn’t high enough and just smashed into the worktop. I’m fine, sorry I woke you”

“You’re obviously not, sit the fuck down and let me have a look” Your tone drew his eyes wide and he submitted, taking big steps to avoid any more glass took a drooped himself on the sofa.

“Please tell me you have something that resembles a first aid box or something” you pleaded.

“Under the bathroom sink”. You washed your hands and brought the box as well as some tweezers and sat on the coffee table facing him.

“Give me your hand” he did as he was told and gave you his hand.

“I don’t know how I feel about you bossing me around” Yoongi quipped a pained smile directed your way. This is nothing you thought.

“No? Why’s that?” You slowly pulled away the towel, there were several small cuts and a couple of large but thankfully not too deep gashes. You removed all his bracelets quickly erasing any blood which had invaded them.

“Because I normally hate being told what to do” he exhaled forcefully as you picked a couple of glass fragments from his hand.

“And what? With me you like it? Brace yourself” You wiped his palm over with a disinfectant wipe.

“Shit!” his other hand retracted into a fist, his knuckles washing over with white. “That stings, and yeah something like that” he chuckled with a light heartedness you’d not seen before, a light heartedness that was acting as a decoy to disguise the confession of something less innocent and playful than the reality of what he meant. You found the confession amusing yet curious but you hid any reaction, you cheeks on the other hand let you down and tinted a shallow shade of red. A quick smirk peeked out on his lips noticing this before his pained expression returned.

“What was you rushing around for anyway?” you asked completely steering away from any more teasing remarks.

“I was trying to make you breakfast before you woke up” You paused wrapping the bandage around his hand and stared at it for a moment, why was this guy so god damn sweet!

“And why was you doing that?”

“I could see you were pissed yesterday, and just thought it might make you feel better” you resumed your final wrap around with the bandage and pinned it.

“And I know you don’t particularly like me for some reason and I’d like to try and change that” he added as sincere as you’ve ever heard him but it was also laced with sadness that loaded you with slight guilt. You heart sank down feebly to the bottom of your stomach, you felt kind of bad that he’d picked up on it but then you acknowledged how much of a bitch you’d actually been to him at times. You wasn’t by any means going to enter into a discussion about the details but you told yourself from now on you’ll try and be more amenable. The guy you started working with a few days ago had been nothing but professional, kind and thoughtful.

“There, all done” you stood and gathered the rubbish and ignored his previous comment and went to go and make a start on the kitchen.

“I’m more than capable of cleaning up my own mess and thank you for this” he stood after you and waved his injured limb.

“Consider it my apology for being difficult and my thanks for making me breakfast. It has made me feel a bit better” You smile and words were resolute; he went to protest further

“Don’t make me boss you around” you teased. He raised his hands up in surrender and waited while cleaned the chaos and finished serving up the omelettes he’d prepared. They were amazing. He wasn’t sure on the toppings you’d want so he’d gathered a few bowls of a few different options.

“What’s the plan for today?” you enquired

“Well we’ve more or less smashed out the lyrics so let’s get those finished and polished off and then we can get started on the music, I’ve took some ideas from your singing the other day and made some demo’s we can trial. I reckon we can be in the studio by the end of the week  and make a start on recording” he ended brightly

“Sounds good, I’d like to have some solo studio time if that’s okay while I just work out the sections I’ll be rapping and singing. If you trust me in your set up that is”

“I’m sure I can cope. What time you want the guys to come pick you up later?”

“Probably about 20:45 if that’s okay? My hairdresser will be here around half seven. You should really come it will be good exposure for the single if we go together” You omitted the part that you’d actually just like to spend some more casual time with him, you wasn’t keen on accepting it yourself let alone speaking it aloud.

“I’m sure that will be fine, and nope, nothing will change my mind I’m staying in my cave”

“Fine suit yourself” you carried the dishes cleared them and loaded up the dishwasher, the mechanical hum merged into the background.

“Will Wonho be there?” he asked hoping he wasn’t coming across too curious.

“Yeah, but my manager bit my ear off yesterday about the whole dispatch thing. I’m not to go near him all evening” you sulked. There was a slight brightening of Yoongi’s demeanour, he felt slightly guilty for being pleased by this revelation.

“But they’ll be no press inside surely?”

“There’s always a couple who will have been given exclusive access, so means best behaviour for me”

“Is that even a thing with you?” he bounced back at you quickly.

“Very funny, I’m going to grab a quick shower and I’ll meet you in the studio”

A better attitude even if it was a slightly forced one at times made the days session fly by, you’d both completely finished and agreed with the lyrics and were soaring through the music. You ended up being so engrained into your work you were shocked when the bell rang at half seven.

“Oh shit, please can you let her in and tell her I’ll be like 15 minutes, I need to get dressed properly” you were staring into a face clearly amused by your panic and stared right back at you void of motion to wind you up.

“Yoongi!”

“Fine, fine, I’ll go”

You rushed to your room, launched your clothes to scatter behind you and unzipped the dress bag hung over the wardrobe door. The Alexander McQueen dress staring back at you made you happy you’d changed your mind last minute. It was a black mini dress with a deep V-neck line, the v-line was filled with tonal floral lace inserts. The same style of lace also covered the arms leaving scalloped edges at your hands. The neck line was too deep to have a normal bra so you’d have to rely on the lift tape to keep you in place and secure for the night. The dress was on the thinner side but the material was thick on quality, it sat nicely on your figure and gave you a smooth silhouette. You secured the thigh choker your assistant had dropped off tightly around your thigh. It was a simple black leather strap with rounded studs on it and connected to a metal heart. You slung your behind on your unmade bed and slipped on your long black ankle boots, also Alexander McQueen. The foot section was adorned with hammered silver studs, the leather that crept up your calf has a strip of nappa leather buttons going down the outside. The silver needle heel was sturdier than you thought it would be as you cat walked yourself up and down in front of the full length body mirror. Grateful you checked, your bruises needed a quick touch up of concealer.

Now just the hair and makeup left

Yoongi nearly floored you coming out of his room in an unnecessary rush.

“Sorry…” the other words got lost as his eyes scanned you intently

“Seeing as you’re there would you mind?” you turned and scooped your hair up exposing most of your upper back. He gripped the zip which sat at the small of your back and made every effort to pull it outwards slightly as too avoid contact as he pulled the zip up.

“Thanks, sure you still don’t want to come with a date looking like this?” you twirled in a joyous motion, enjoying the awkwardness of watching his eyes not know where to settle.

“With you looking as magnificent as that I’d be near enough invisible, I’ll leave Wonho to deal with all the admirers”

Why did he even bring him up? Was he implying he wouldn’t be able to deal with other people looking at me in a certain way?

“Your loss, and he’ll just have to look and not touch with all the others tonight” you affirmed seemingly pleased you’ll be teasing him.

“I don’t envy him this evening” The penny dropped Sadie was still waiting patiently in the living room and you hastily made your way to the woman capable of performing miracles.

“Sadie I’m so sorry, I was too absorbed in this new record” You grabbed a bar stool and placed it in front on the mirror on the wall next to the window. Her stack of boxes piled up on the coffee table.

“Don’t sweat it girl, now sit down and let’s finish this look off”

The boys arrived early to get introductions out of the way and to have a few pre drinks, Yoongi had resigned himself to being a solemn bartender. They repeated trying to convince him to make an appearance but he was as stubborn as he was talented.

“Cars here guys” RM announced. J-Hope bounced up, his face already a little flushed from alcohol.

The party was an exclusive event, anyone who was anyone in the industry gets invited, it’s more of a showcase with new or up and coming artists performing throughout the evening and general atmosphere to network. The car stopped outside the venue and the chauffer opened the door and the guys climbed out to a blinding screen of flashes and excited demanding noises. RM offered his hand and assisted you out of the car. Only a couple of media networks were allowed inside to take official photos and interviews; this only made the frenzy of media into the venue more ravenous. You stood and posed for the camera’s when directed, when you were freed you spent the remainder of the carpet time by the fans, taking selfies, signing autographs and generally giving them as much of your time as you could before you were ushered inside.

The buzz of the room when you entered was electric, crowds of people fluttering around reconnecting and mingling. Everyone had a drink in their hand and looked stunning, J-Hope and RM managed to find you amongst the chaos and showed you to your reserved booth for the evening at the side of the room. At the end of the room was a small elevated stage with equipment stacked neatly at the side, including some brilliant speakers. The room was decorated with mostly a royal red with silver vines twisting around features of the room; it was similar to the décor you’d expect at a theatre.

��You can order your drinks on this, we don’t even have to get up and go to the bar” J-Hope beamed as he slid you a small phone like device and you immediately went to the gin section and ordered a few pink gin cocktails. You’d sweetly smile when your eyes caught someone you were familiar with; your eyes fritted around for people you actually wanted to speak to. You and Wonho finally spotted each other pulling your lips into a grin, moments later your phone buzzed.

- You expect me to stay away from you all night looking like that?-[20:59]

You knew instantly it was going to be a long frustrating night

- well we’re just both going to have to do as we’re told, doesn’t mean we can’t have fun, you know I like to tease – [21:02]

You watched his expression diffuse into manic anticipation as he read your reply. When your drinks arrived you drifted from the boys and mingled with your friends, who imposed more than a few shots on you. Your manager managed to come out from backstage preparing a newbie to your label for his performance and casually checked in on your progress, you’d always loved his relaxed approach and how he just mostly left you to work, he didn’t even have to learn the hard way.

You slumped yourself back into the booth out of breath from owing the dancefloor, downing the last of one of your drinks including the ice cubes.

-That dress belongs on my bedroom floor, with me bound and gagged under you and my chest all marked up because I misbehaved-[22:39]

RM was looking at you amused with your intoxication or your wry smile as you read your message.

You almost choked on your drink, seemingly forgetting how to swallow as your body was too preoccupied controlling its arousal levels. He knew how to get you. You made a conscious effort to divert from being drawn in to Wonho’s gaze which you knew would be more than you could tolerate without dragging him somewhere private.

“What?” you questioned with a challenge.

“Nothing, nothing” he lied unapologetically. J-Hope returned reuniting the three of you at the table.

“Performances start in fifteen minutes” he announced. You were sat perfectly content until your eyes fell on the reason you’re mainstream career struggled to take off and the reason you’d vowed to never work with a male artists again. When his gaze melded with yours the bastard winked. Your eyes widened and mouth dropped slightly open with disgust. Anger swelled in your chest, raising your heart rate, adrenaline flooding your system preparing your for battle. You jumped up and made a b-line straight for him with everyone else in the room becoming a blur into the background.

“Hey, watch it!” you complained as you’d crashed into a figure. He grabbed your wrist and refused to move out of your line of fire.

“Let’s go get some air before you ruin your career” a voice spoke sternly yet quiet enough to keep the demand just between the two of you. You looked up

“Yoongi… What the fuck, I’m not…”

“You’re telling me you’re not on your way over there to attack that asshole?”

“He deserves it” you spat

“I’m not disputing that, outside now and cool down” he applied more pressure to your wrist, the way he was glaring at you, you knew he wasn’t backing down on his. Your rage hit a wall and sat simmering on hold. You rolled your eyes as he essentially escorted you out of the building.

[moon-baby95]

Boyfriend Bangtan - 4

Boyfriend Bangtan is a series of indulgent drabbles set in Idolverse/slice of life. 

Masterpost here [X] 

Word count: 2,336 

Genre: fluff, non descriptive sex 

Summary: min yoongi finds more than he expected when he takes up the daily coffee run

Note: one again no links for now until tumblr gets its shit together. thank you all for enjoying this series so far, I have a lot more of it to come in 2019 

June 13, 2017

The first time Min Yoongi saw her he believed in beauty.

It was in the small coffee shop on the corner a couple blocks down from the BigHit building. Normally Hoseok made the daily run to the shop for their afternoon pick me up. But today he was on a roll choreographing their new songs and Yoongi knew how difficult it could be to get back into the zone when your creative flow was interrupted. So here he was, out in the cool evening air, walking into the safety of the little shop.

She was a mess of flour and frosting when he saw her. Standing behind the counter, she flicked loose strands of hair from her face. The smell of cinnamon encircled Yoongi as she cut a fresh loaf of bread, still warm from the oven.

He couldn’t help but notice the way that her tongue poked out of her lips as she concentrated on making the pieces even.

She must have noticed him looking her way, and assumed he was staring at the treat in her hands, because she gestured for him to come over. “Do you want to try a piece?”

“Yes, thank you. It smells good.” He walked up to the counter, a light dusting of pink on his cheeks.

When she handed him the bread he noticed the pink frosting on her cheek. It made her look adorable. Her name tag read ___ and he decided that it was the perfect name for her.

The bread sat warm in his hand and he took a bite, the sweetness from the cinnamon melted on his tongue.

“Is it good?” She posed the question before he had even finished chewing.

“Sweets aren’t my favorite.” He admitted with a sheepish laugh. “But it’s good.”

Yoongi watched her as she prepared the order. Her eyebrows knitted in concentration and her tongue poked out of her mouth. He was entranced. He liked the way she worked. Her movements flowed from one to the other like a well composed song.

It was a song he found himself humming quietly when he was supposed to be working on something else in the studio. It was a song he played in his head over and over again every time he stepped foot into the coffee shop. He memorized all the crescendos and the soft adagio beat. It was one of the most beautiful melodies he’d ever heard. And without realizing it, he found himself volunteering to make the daily run to the coffee shop. His friends giving him curious glances but never voicing their suspicions on why he was suddenly so keen to get them all their coffee.

Novemver 20, 2017

The first time he held her he believed in love.

Rain poured onto Yoongi’s back as he made his way to the familiar warmth of the coffee shop. Shaking out his hair once he crossed the threshold, his eyes searched for ___. He came up short when he realized the space she usually occupied behind the counter was accompanied by someone else. Fighting off the disappointment, he made his way to the counter to order their drinks.

       Halfway through his order, ___ came bustling through the kitchen doors. Her apron was slung around her neck but left untied, and her eyes were rimmed red as she rushed an apology to the other barista. “I’m sorry I’m late, something came up and I-“ glassy eyes noticed Yoongi standing there for the first time. Breath caught in her throat, she stared at him with her mouth open, mortified.

       Brows pulled together, Yoongi took a few steps closer to the counter. “Is everything okay?”

       “No, I’m okay, I mean yes everything’s fine.” She made quick work of taking over Yoongi’s order, knowing just how Jimin liked his coffee even though she’d never met him.

       Yoongi didn’t say anything else, even though her song was disjointed and out of tune he let her be. Until the shaking of her hands caused her to miscalculate and she let out a strangled sob when the steamed milk splashed onto her skin.

       Cradling the injured arm to her chest, ___ hung her head and cried. “I’m sorry, Yoongi.”

       Making his way around the counter, the little ‘employees only’ sign be damned, Yoongi grabbed a stray wash cloth and ran it under the cold tap. “Why are you apologizing?”

       “Because you come here and all you want is your coffee, I know how busy you are, and I’m letting my personal life influence my work and I’m a mess and-“ her ramblings broke off into another fit of cries.

       Cool fingers gently pried the injured hand away from its safe haven against her chest, and Yoongi didn’t say anything as he wrapped the cloth around her palm.

       “It’s just the holiday rush is starting so we’re a lot busier than Normal-my boyfriend he-“ ___’s voice, usually so full of excitement and joy, overflowing with eagerness every time Yoongi stepped into the shop and she had a new treat for him to try, was cracked on the surface. A cheesecake left in the oven too long, deep caverns running through its sweetness.

       Gently, unsure if it was the right move to make, Yoongi brought her injured hand to rest against his chest. His steady heartbeat under her palm soothes the burn and as he’s coaxing her body to fit against his the embrace has her forgetting the injury completely.

       Free arm returning his embrace as it tangled in the hair at the back of his neck, ___ allows herself to fall into Yoongi. She let herself breathe in the laundry detergent on the collar of his shirt. She let her eyes flutter shut as careful and hesitant fingers wove themselves into her hair. She allowed herself to cry and she was thankful he always came in the afternoon when the coffee shop was empty.

       “Any man who makes a girl so sweet feel so bitter doesn’t deserve her.” Yoongi’s words were soft, voice deep in his chest as it tumbled against ___’s cheek.

       She laughed, then. A light little giggle, unsure of its place among the sadness and pain in ___’s heart. And it was that moment Yoongi decided he wouldn’t mind keeping her here, in the safety of his arms. It was that moment, he decided, he could fall in love with her like this. In her little laughs and the determined focus on her brow when searching for a dessert that would finally convince Yoongi he was wrong for not liking sweets.

       It was approximately ten seconds after that, when ___ was lifting her head from his shirt and looking at him with a soft smile, that Yoongi realized maybe he’d already fallen for her.

December 15, 2017

The first time he kissed her he believed in angels.

       Yoongi hadn’t expected her to make use of the digits scrawled onto a piece of paper he had given her after that day. Especially when she never brought it up when he returned for his coffee.

       Yet here he was, a month later seated on her couch in her small one bedroom apartment. It was cozy. A bookshelf stocked full with more books on cooking and baking than he had seen in his entire life. It smelled similar to the bakery. The same melted caramel sugar smell that seemed to follow ___ everywhere she went.

       Hands warming on a mug of his favorite coffee, Yoongi smiles to himself. He couldn’t help it. He was unsure why he was invited but he wasn’t complaining, not when ___ was letting him into her personal space.

       She sat next to him, knees tucked beside her on the cushion and a steaming mug in her own hands. It was quiet for a few moments and Yoongi scratched the back of his neck as he tried to force the question of why he was here out of his mouth.

      “I broke up with him.” ___’s voice was quiet, like she was scared to break the silence. “Two weeks ago.”

       She didn’t elaborate, she didn’t say why. And Yoongi didn’t press her for further details. Instead he watched her for a moment, noted how the dark circles that had developed under her eyes looked brighter. He noticed how the color had returned to her cheeks and her eyes were less dull. “He seemed like an asshole, anyway.” Yoongi took a sip of his drink. “Are you okay?”

       ___ hesitated for a moment, considering his question. “I think so. I’m more okay than I thought I would be.” Her eyes lifted from her coffee to Yoongi and she realized how close they were sitting. Suddenly she was hyper aware of how her knees almost brushed his thigh and how despite the sharp angles of his eyes his irises were soft as he gazed at her.

       Yoongi noticed too, just a moment after she did. But instead of getting out of ___’s personal space he scooted closer. His thigh brushed her knee as long fingers traced across her jaw, palm delicately cupping her cheek. “Tell me if you want me to stop.”

       She didn’t. And when he was close enough for her to feel his breath on her face, ___ closed her eyes.

       Yoongi often thought he could write a million songs about how she looked in that moment. Right before the first kiss. Breath bated, cheeks tinted pink, the feeling of her skin under his fingers. He memorized it all and when he touched her it was like her melody collided with his and created such a beautiful harmony it took his breath away.

       He didn’t close his eyes until the last second, not until right before his lips touched hers. And when they did he knew he wanted to spend as much time kissing her as she would let him.

       ___’s mouth was soft, and the way her lips fit against Yoongi’s had him joining his other hand in cradling her face. He tilted his head, craving more of her sweetness.

       And she gave it to him. ___ kissed him back with delicacy. She let him hold her still and use her mouth the way he wanted. The small whimper she breathed onto him when he tugged her bottom lip with his teeth only fueled his hunger.

       Yoongi was insatiable. Briefly he wondered if it would be like this every time he kissed her, if there would be more than this one time. But that didn’t matter because right now she was here, and she was kissing him, and he came to the realization he would kiss her forever if she let him.

       But she didn’t, ___ pulled away from him, face still safe in his palms. “Yoongi I-“ her chest was heaving, rapid breaths fanning onto his skin. She hadn’t pulled away very far, their faces only a breath apart. “I like you but- this is too soon. I’m sorry.”

       Yoongi shushed her, muttering at her not to apologize as he let his mouth linger on her skin for a few moments. “It’s okay,” he pressed a kiss against her forehead. “It’s okay.”

       He pulled away from her completely, then. Palms fell from the warmth of her face to his lap as he sat back against the couch. “I can go if you want.” Yoongi held no disappointment in his voice, only concern that he had taken it too far and made her uncomfortable.

       “I could make us some dinner. We could rent a movie. I’m…” ___ contemplated finishing her sentence for a moment, deciding on how much to tell. “I’m kind of sick of being alone these past few weeks.”

       Yoongi didn’t try to hide the wide smile as he nodded. “I’d like that.” He watched her get up, eyes crinkled at the corners with the intensity of the smile in his heart. ___ looked through her kitchen, naming possible things for them to eat and Yoongi swore that, just for a second, there was a glow to her. As if someone had placed a halo on her head, and he wouldn’t doubt if they had.

February 14, 2018

The first time he loved her he believed in God.

       From the moment they stumbled into her apartment after their dinner, hands greedy with each other, he wondered how he got so lucky.

The way that the moonlight shone on her body had him transfixed. ___’s skin was soft under his fingertips and he couldn’t help but get addicted to her sweetness. She was like a work of art. A work of art laid out bare and raw for him to admire. And he admired her. He admired every inch of her. Every piece of skin he could get his hands or mouth on. He let her know how beautiful she was. He whispered pretty words into her skin and he couldn’t tell her enough how much he meant them.

And she let him. The way her body reacted to his every touch and caress had him breathless. Yoongi had made love before but it had never been this. It had never made him feel so blessed. The way she wrapped herself around him, whispering his name in desperation as she clung to him had him shuddering.

“I’ve got you, sweet girl.” He caged her in with his arms, pinning her against the bed with his body to keep her safe in their bubble. “Just let me make you feel good.” Yoongi kissed every bit of her skin he could reach, his hips rolling into hers to elicit more of the honey like sounds coming from her.

It wasn’t until she was throwing her head back and screwing her eyes shut that Yoongi lost the ability to breathe. The euphoric look on her face had him swearing under his breath. It was enough to push him into his own heaven and it was in that moment he was sure God had to be a woman.

[geewithluv]

yoongi ♛ meeting her parents

Ｐａｉｒｉｎｇ：Min Yoongi x Fem!OC Arabella

Ｗａｒｎｉｎｇｓ：heavily implied verbal, physical, and emotional abuse, unhealthy family relationships

Ｒａｔｉｎｇ：pg13

Ｗｏｒｄ Ｃｏｕｎｔ：1.2k

Ａ／Ｎ： «this belongs in my headcanon universe and you can read the other parts in the masterlist, the description of the characters is [here] so you get a summary of who they are. »

ｍａｓｔｅｒｌｉｓｔ

Arabella didn’t want Yoongi meeting her parents. Mainly because that meant she’d have to go see them. She didn’t want that at all. So, she avoided seeing them like the plague, which wasn’t difficult. They didn’t check up on her much, so it wasn’t like she was lying about being in a relationship. In fact, they only found out she was in a relationship through her 17-year-old sister who had heard it through their 27-year-old brother. But they didn’t know she was dating Min Yoongi. Her father texted to ask, condescendingly, about her relationship but she didn’t respond.

When Arabella’s sister graduated high school, she knew she wanted to be there. Even though she knew her parents would be a pain. Her sister didn’t do anything wrong. Yoongi had been dating Arabella for a year and a half at that point and considered themselves to be very serious and Arabella had become friendly with his parents.

When she mentioned wanting to see her sister graduate, Yoongi offered to go along and meet her parents. She shot that down quickly. Yoongi knew there was some tension in the family but wasn’t expecting such a violent ‘no’ to leave her mouth. So, he dropped it for the day. Arabella, however, didn’t drop it. She thought about it for the rest of the day until finally when getting ready for bed she mentioned it to him while he was changing.

“My parents are going to hate you.” Was how she started, Yoongi was taken aback by the statement. At first, he didn’t even know why she said it but then it dawned on him and he beckoned her to continue. “They’re going to hate that you’re successful and that you love me. They’re going to ask you how much you pay for me to sleep with you and say that whatever the price it’s too much.” She explained, looking at him seriously.

“That’s why you don’t want me to meet them?” He said after a period of silence. She nodded, sitting down on the bed.

“I wouldn’t want to meet my parents, Yoongi. When I said I want to go just for my sister, I meant it. I don’t want you to see how I grew up and think I’m pathetic.”

“I will never think you’re pathetic. Your parents won’t change the way I think about you, Arabella.” He walked over to her, holding her hands. “You are who you are, and I love that. They won’t change it.”

“I’m scared of them.” She admits and her body shakes a little as she says it. Yoongi tries not to show that he noticed, and it worried him. “I’m scared of what they’ll say, and I’m scared of what they’ll do when they find out who I’m dating.”

After this admission, Arabella still booked a trip to see her family. She, reluctantly, let Yoongi join. After admitting she was scared of them, Yoongi wanted to be there for her. He insisted and she was secretly grateful for it.

Her sister, Annie, picked them up from the airport and was very excited to see Arabella. Yoongi smiled fondly at the reconnecting of the sisters and pretending not to hear Annie say that Yoongi was more attractive in person. 

“Our parents are crazy but I’m sure Arabella told you that. I just want to confirm that they’re insane and you’ll hate them.” Annie said as she drove out of the airport. She said this so indifferently as if it was her order at a coffee shop.

“She mentioned it.” Yoongi said.

“They already hate you so don’t think about them liking you. They won’t. It’s nothing personal, I’m positive you’re great. But you’re a living breathing thing so they hate you.” Annie only glanced in the rearview mirror once to see his reaction.

“Annie!” Arabella hissed at her younger sister.

“I’m just prepping him!” Annie defended. “I’m sure you sugarcoated a lot of it, the poor guy will get his hopes up and think you give a fuck what those assholes think.” Annie clenched her hands around the steering wheel which didn’t make Arabella’s first time driving with her sister very relaxing. “And I know Austin didn’t mention anything about them since he’s living life as if they don’t exist. Can’t wait to do that same thing.”

“This is not the time to vent about our family, Anastasia!” Arabella glared at her sister, leaving Yoongi in an uncomfortable third wheel position. He wondered how bad they truly were since Annie seemed to only be getting started with her rant.

“I just hope we can make the best of our time here.” Yoongi chipped in making Annie scoff and shake her head. It was mostly silent for the remaining 20 minutes of the car ride.

They pull up at a decent looking house. Given the small mentions Arabella had given Yoongi of her family, he was imagining a little more than a crack den. But it was actually in a nice-looking neighborhood, the lawn was a lush green, a sign outside promoting an upcoming election.

“I’m surprised you came.” An older woman, Yoongi assumed the mother, came into the living room. “Surprised you both came.” She gave a very quick flash of a smile to Yoongi.

“I’m gonna take their things to Arabella’s room.” Annie excused herself and grabbed the suitcases.

“I suspect the car ride was pleasant.” The mother said, mainly directed at Annie who turned to her mother with a smile.

“Of course, I know how to act.” Annie quickly rushed off with the bags.

Arabella worked very hard to convince her mother that she and Yoongi were very tired, but she was finally able to get them away from her mother and her father who was yet to return home for work.

“Annie, please show… Yoongi…? To the room. I need to talk to Arabella for a second.” The woman who Yoongi learned was called Angelica, said.

“Is she okay?” Yoongi asked as Annie walked up the stairs with him.

“She’s used to it. Just don’t think about it.” Annie shrugged as they reached the closed door. “They threw away most of her stuff so it’s kinda bland in here now.” Annie explained. Just as Yoongi was about to dismiss the interior design they both heard a loud noise and then yelling. 

“We’re going to a hotel.” Yoongi heard Arabella come around the corner.

“With what money?” Her mother laughed, following a few steps behind.

“My money!”

“You mean the money that boy gave you?”

“The money I earned making music. But you wouldn’t understand profiting off a passion since your passion is making my life hell!” Yoongi still couldn’t see either woman.

“Don’t go down there.” Annie mumbled to Yoongi as a warning.

“I cannot believe I thought you’d be a decent person when I got back home.” Arabella was now in Yoongi’s line of sight coming up the stairs. “We’re leaving.” She said to Yoongi as if he wasn’t aware. 

3 hours. Yoongi was in Arabella’s family home for 3 whole hours before they left. She hardly mentioned it as Annie drove them to a hotel or even for the rest of the trip. Only saying “my dad is worse” and dropping the subject. Yoongi stayed behind at the hotel when Arabella watched Annie graduate and she didn’t mention her parents after she got back.

After that trip, Yoongi never asked about her family again. He saw her brother and sister occasionally, but he never asked about them either. It wasn’t ideal, Yoongi imagined he’d get along with his significant other’s family but he’d rather Arabella be safe than have a set of in-laws.

I’m currently out of town until the 29th so postings are a little slow. Also, I think this classifies as pg-13 and not higher but I could be underestimating the intensity, so please let me know. Thanks for reading!

[wisdomrays]

The Angelic Soul: The Soul at Rest

QUESTION: One of the supplications of the Messenger of God, peace and blessings be upon him, that is recommended is as follows: “My God! Verily I ask You for a soul that is at rest and contentment with You, believing in the meeting with You, content with Your decree, and satisfied with what You bestow.” Would you elucidate the meaning of the phrase “(a soul) satisfied with what You bestow” in this exalted supplication?

ANSWER: In one of his sayings, the noble Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, stated, “Your greatest enemy is the carnal soul (nafs) within you,” pointing out that the greatest enemy that needs to be subdued first is the carnal soul. At another time while returning to Medina after engagement with the enemy, God’s Messenger stated, “Now we are turning from the lesser struggle to the greater struggle (jihad).” When the Companions asked what is the greater struggle, he answered that it was the struggle against the carnal soul. This is because, in comparison to struggling against an enemy we openly see in front of us, it is more difficult to struggle against a sly enemy concealed within that looks for an opportunity to attack at every moment. Although there are material difficulties as bodily fighting at a struggle made against outer enemies, there is also the possibility of making immediate material gains in case of being victorious. However, the rewards promised to people as a result of struggling against the carnal soul, overcoming and being victorious against it, are mostly not immediate ones, but are due in the Hereafter. As for human nature, it expects to obtain the fruits of efforts right away, with an inclination for immediate payments as stated in, “...but you (people) love and prefer what is before you” (al-Qiyamah 75:20–21). Human nature seeks immediate rewards. In this respect, although the struggle in the sense of outward fighting is not a little one in reality, it remains a lesser one when compared to the greater one.

The self-accusing soul

As it is known, although the carnal soul is a person’s relentless enemy and potentially so harmful, it is open to change and development. If it can be duly trained, it transforms into a steed that does not distance one from God but carries that person closer to Him. A soul upon which God Almighty swears in the verse, “And I swear by the self-accusing human soul!” (al-Qiyamah 75:2), which refers to one that has taken the first step for such a change and progress, and thus realized the initiation. Even though this soul commits faults and sins from time to time, it criticizes itself for the evil or sin it has committed, interrogates itself, seek ways out of the wickedness it has fallen into, turns to repentance and asks for forgiveness, and develops alternative ways of struggle for not committing the same faults and sins again. It is very important for a person to get rid of the hegemony of the carnal soul and pass to the level of a soul that accuses itself in the face of faults and mistakes, in terms of purifying the soul and allowing it to progress. This first step is a stepping-stone for reaching higher levels of the soul through spiritual journeying. A human soul’s gradual ascension to the level of “soul at rest” and then its reaching to the levels of the soul pleased with God (nafs ar-radhiyah) and the soul with which God is pleased (nafs al-mardiyyah), and—if it is possible in this world—then to the level of the soul purified (safiyyah or zakiyyah) depends on stepping to the level of the self-accusing soul first. Just as a small aspect in the center becomes a large segment in the periphery, such a central initiative in terms of the soul, even if it is a small one, is essential but is difficult in the same degree because in order to maintain that, it is necessary to realize a change. In other words, it is necessary to erase and say farewell to the past, push aside what one has thus far been accustomed to, and embark on a new path. If a soul that accuses itself in the face of sins and faults and shows the willpower for not falling back into those sins maintains this struggle, such a soul will ascend to the level of a “soul at rest” where one can take wing and soar on the horizons of the spirit.

The attributes of a soul at rest

The soul at rest is one that has found satisfaction, one that has become well established with respect to horizons of faith and spiritual knowledge, closed all doors to anything other than God’s good pleasure, and ceased to make alternative quests. Such a soul that is freed from vain quests always lives in a God-oriented fashion, evaluates the minutes, even the seconds, of its lifetime in accordance with His good pleasure, and always breathes with submission before what He ordains and decrees. If one is pleased with the glorified acts of God Almighty, this is an indication that God is well-pleased with that person. According to some insightful personages, the soul pleased with God and the soul with which God is pleased (nafs ar-radhiyah and nafs al-mardiyyah) are no different than two spread wings of the soul at rest. For a person who is pleased with God and with whom God is well-pleased, it no longer matters to them whether what comes is a trouble from His Majesty (Jalal) or favor from His Mercy. Such people equally welcome both. In addition, as they are journeyers with the principle of always asking for more (hal min mazid), they constantly try to increase in knowledge of God and respond to Him with closeness by overcoming any remoteness on their part.

Faith in reunion with God and contentment

Getting back to the supplication, the next thing after a soul at rest the noble Prophet requests is certain qualities that are seen as the depths or wings of such a soul. After asking for a soul at rest, there is the petition for this soul’s being one believing in the meeting with God. A person’s believing that the path being walked upon will unmistakably lead to the Eternal One, burning with the desire and fervor of meeting with God and living with this feeling will result in a profound and unshakable kind of contentment.

The Messenger of God, peace and blessings be upon him, then asks for this soul at rest to be content with what God decrees. Although some scholars describe qada as God Almighty’s determining certain things in His eternal knowledge unbound by time, according to the majority of scholars of Islamic Theology, it refers to the execution of destiny, which is decreed in the Tablet of Effacement and Confirmation (Lawh al-Mahw wa al-Ithbat). The happenings a person undergoes throughout his or her life life can sometimes be good or bad in terms of their apparent faces. However, by means of intention a person can turn everything God wills to happen into goodness. For example, a man who meets the troubles and misfortunes that he is subjected to with a feeling of patience and good pleasure, and who meets the blessings and successes he is granted with a feeling of thanksgiving and praise for God, will have goodness in both cases. However, if he complains and thus criticizes destiny in the face of a trouble, which is a manifestation of Divine Majesty, and if he is ungrateful in the face of a favor from His Mercy but ascribes it to his personal merit, then these become evil for him. That is to say, the question whether a blessing or trouble will have an evil or good result for a person is to some extent dependent upon the stance that person adopts toward them. Thus, it is very important for a person to be well-pleased with everything God decrees for him or her.

Lastly, the blessed Prophet asks God to give him a feeling of satisfaction with whatever He bestows. There are certain times where a person is not supposed to be satisfied but even to show greed, which is solely related to issues as faith in God and seeking His good pleasure. In this respect, one must act like mad at the issue of seeking God’s good pleasure and never be contented in this respect. In other words, if there is a situation where ambition should ever be regarded the same as worship that would be the issue of loving God and His Messenger. One must never suffice with what is in hand with respect to following a course in compliance with God’s good pleasure, but always keep asking for more. What really matters, though, concerning issues related to the body and physicality is being content with what God Almighty has granted. And this is one of the other qualities of that people of wisdom possess while progressing toward the soul at rest.

Through this prayer, the noble Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, asked all of these important points from God in the morning and evening. He surely asked for all of these in connection with his immense horizons and his lofty demands. If we evaluate his supplications with a perspective of our own narrowness and own targets, then we commit disrespect by daring to lower him to our own level. We are supposed to evaluate the pleas of the Messenger of God in this prayer in terms of his role of guidance for us and act accordingly. Given that he teaches us to target lofty aims by raising our standard to a very high level in this supplication, we should never suffice with minimal effort but always spur our desires, never ceasing to strive for His good pleasure, persisting until our last breath in satisfaction with what He bestows.

[gobigorgohome2016]

All the Cliches

When I started writing this post in my head, I was going to title it something like Out of Hibernation, yet make it known that I wasn’t planning to bore you with a 1,300 word soliloquy comparing myself to a Bleeding Heart (which is apparently a Spring perennial and, you know, we’re all about cliches here) blooming through the last remnants of Winter frost.

Then I thought, no, do I really need an intro to tell everyone I’m back on my bullshit after a few steps forward and another step back?  

Then I realized...isn’t running really just the epitome of a giant cliche?  

TL;DR I had a big accomplishment in the fall and thought the momentum would carry over super easily into the Spring.  I ignored some symptoms, realized I was anemic, felt really sad, and now I’m starting to feel like myself again.  aka, the simple, common, cliched journey of every.single.runner.

Even though this experience is the embodiment of what it means to be an endurance athlete, why do we act surprised every single time?  Leading up to Philadelphia, after my year of mystery illness [which, it turns out, had another plot twist.  Remember how I was having a massive immune system reaction and pretty terrible quality of life?  Well, after we found mold in the house the problem went 90% away.  The remaining 10% was still driving me crazy.  Long story short, the installation of a whole-home water filter has returned me to a fully functioning human being.  Hello, my name is Anna and I’m just your local canary in the coal mine] I vowed I would do a better job about just letting life go with the flow and not try to fight the current every step of the way.  I guess I got too big for my britches because - lo and behold - I found myself avoiding what I pretty much knew all along.

After Philadelphia, I took 2 weeks off and really enjoyed my down time.  The highlight was a day trip to French Lick, where Dave and I hit the casino (I won $25), ate all the sweets, shopped, split an amazing kobe beef burger, got day drunk, and took the scenic drive home.  The next day I started running again and, much to my surprise, felt way better than I normally do after two weeks of zero exercise.  This felt like a big win. 

December turned out to be extra crazy, then at the end of January I co-hosted a women’s running retreat, BAnna Camp.  Any fatigue I was feeling during December and January I just chalked up to stress and the typical things you do when you’re in that awkward in-between period from one race to another:  less sleep, less healthy food, less fitness.  

^have to make sure this post never dies

The first day I was in Austin, Becki and I did a workout together.  It was my first “real” workout back (other than some fartleks and strides), and it wasn’t even supposed to be hard:  3 x 7 min @ 6:00 pace.  I STRUGGLED.  I couldn’t breathe, my quads were heavy, and the paces felt much more difficult than they seemed like they should.  But, there were plenty of excuses:  it’s windy, we were running a net uphill, I was dehydrated from travel, I was stressed about the upcoming camp, etc. etc.  Midway through that workout I had a very distinct thought of oh shit, this feels very anemic right now.  That night I texted my friend who would be joining us later in the week and asked her to bring some iron pills, since I had forgotten my supplement.  

The following week my workout didn’t feel great, but again, it was easy to make excuses.  I was on a treadmill.  I was still catching up on sleep from camp.  Maybe I’m more out of shape than I thought. 

Longer efforts didn’t feel great, but I was getting them done.  My paces felt quick, but, winter training never feels amazing.  Plus, it seemed like every workout I did was into a strong wind, so how can you really judge pace and effort?  

In early February, I had my first race of the season which was a 5 miler in downtown Indy.  I had told Dave I was going to hold 5:30 pace for as long as I could and see what happened.  My first mile was 5:54, and Dave said he could hear me breathing before he could see me.  I was 3rd that day in just under 30:00.  Again, there were plenty of excuses.  It was windy.  We had celebrated Valentine’s Day the night before, so maybe steak, lobster, buttered mashed potatoes, and wine wasn’t the best pre-race meal?  

During my sulking about the race I had an aha moment.  In December, prior to realizing we had an issue with our water, I was trying to figure out what was still causing skin rashes and GI issues.  The only thing I was taking every day was ferrous sulfate, which is an iron supplement that is gentle on your stomach but has some suspect ingredients (food colorings, sorbate, etc.).  I decided to switch my supplement (one that had worked for me for YEARS) to something that seemed “cleaner”:  ionic iron.  While I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what could be wrong, it occurred to me to check my iron dosage.  

I was taking ~10% of my normal ferrous sulfate dosage, and honestly don’t even know how absorbable ionic iron even is.  That day I made the switch back to ferrous sulfate, but knew that if my iron/ferritin was low, it would take about 6 weeks before I felt a difference.

If at this point you’re reading along and thinking to yourself, it’s not expensive to just go and get a blood test to find out whether your iron is low - you are absolutely correct.  I should have just scheduled an appointment to take a blood test and find out.  But, I’m stubborn.

Two weeks after my 5 mile race I flew to Atlanta for the Road to Gold, an 8 mile race on the 2020 Olympic Trials course.  This is a whole other post in and of itself, but I will say that the hype is real.  That course is going to be hard.  

While the experience was great, my time was not.  My goal had been to run 5:45 pace through the first 4 miles and then pick up the pace.  While I did go through the first 4 miles in 22:50, just under my goal, I went through the next 4 miles in 24:20ish, and again felt as though I couldn’t breathe.  I finally conceded it was time for a blood test. 

The results were pretty much exactly what I thought they would be:  low ferritin, high CO2 in my blood, and borderline-low Vitamin D.  After weeks of agonizing over whether I was out of shape I finally had an answer (albeit one I should have just figured out sooner).  So, I upped my iron supplement and looked ahead.  

Nowhere to go but up, right?

In the following weeks I paid better attention to meal timing (i.e., if I was having a steak for dinner I wasn’t pairing it with red wine or other iron-inhibiting foods).  I cut out my second cup of coffee in the afternoon so that my body could have a better chance at iron absorption.  I focused more on sleep.  I got back on nutrient tracking to make sure I was getting everything I needed from my diet.  

and it paid off

6 weeks after my miserable 5 mile race where I could barely run faster than 5:58 pace for 5 miles, I ran 1:16:37 in the Carmel half marathon on a less-than-ideal day with rain and wind.  

During race week I cut out all caffeine and red wine to hopefully give my body the extra boost it needed to absorb iron.  I meal prepped early in the week so that I had nutrient-rich options readily available.  I said no to a couple work-related opportunities that popped up in favor of less stress, and I gave myself my best chance to succeed.  

In truth, sometimes setting yourself up for success is scary.  What if you do everything possible and you don’t succeed?  I have seen so many talented athletes give up because they went all in and it didn’t immediately pay off.  But, that’s probably another post for another day, too. 

Come race day we had 15 mph winds, pouring rain, and puddles on the course.  It will sound sarcastic when I say this, but that truly is my favorite racing weather.  Going into the race my A goal (not accounting for weather) was 75 min, B goal 76 min, and C goal 77 min.  My plan was to run the first 10 at 5:45 effort, then see how fast I could go the last 5k.  

Starting off, I was very pleased to find myself in a pack of men and through the first mile around 5:40.  I NEVER trust my GPS, so all splits I give will be those from the course.  I went through 4 miles in 22:50 - the exact same time I went through 4 miles in Atlanta, only this time I felt so much better.  I went through 6.55 (again, as marked on the course, not my GPS) in 37:26 and felt like I really had a chance at sub 75 still.  Through 10 miles I was right at 58 min.  I felt strong for the first time in a long time. 

Around mile 11 I started to get tired, and just focused on getting through 0.5 miles at a time.  T last couple miles were definitely the toughest, as they were mostly uphill/into the wind.  76:38 is my fourth fastest half [74:03, Houston, PERFECT weather; 75:20, ‘17 US championships, goal race full taper, 75:59, Columbus half, 4 weeks out from Philly], and this gives me a lot of encouragement considering some sub-par months of training.    

Now that I am feeling the effects of higher ferritin, I’m beginning to wonder if I wasn’t a little bit low during my Philly build up.  I have had some of my best long runs and workouts the past couple weeks - ones that would have blown away what I did leading up to Philly.  It also makes sense, given how I felt the last half of my Philly race, that my ferritin may have been low.  Moving forward, I’m going to schedule blood work much more regularly so that I don’t have preventable problems like this occur.  Definitely kicking myself, but, as with all failures in life it was a great opportunity to learn and grow.  

My next race is in 6 weeks and I’ll be at the 25k championships in Grand Rapids.  I’m looking forward to seeing what another 6 weeks of quality training and (hopefully) warmer weather can do for my fitness!