#to be painfully honest from my personal experience the people who just want you to ~lick their wounds

[hiseyeisonthesparrow]

Hi! I’ve been learning more about Mormonism lately, and I know that Mormon progressives like you definitely exist. However, I’ve been finding it really difficult to understand how people can reconcile their faith with the verse 2 Nephi 5:21 without believing in white supremacy. I understand there are theories about it being metaphorical, but I’ve been having trouble understanding them. If you could offer me some insight, I would truly appreciate it! Thank you in advance.

Thanks for your question! I am unfortunately painfully white, so I may not be the most experienced of people to answer this lol. I'll give it a shot though!

A big tenet of our faith is finding trustworthy sources for questions we have. One of my favorite sources on this topic is a video my dad sat all of our family down and made us watch when we were young*: a talk given by a Black religious scholar called "Blacks In The Scriptures: Skin Color & Curses". It's 45 minutes long, but if this is something you're serious about learning about, you should watch it. You can even 2x speed it if you'd like. You can find it here.

A common archaeological theory is that the Lamanites married, had children with, and culturally assimilated into more of the indigenous population, leading to darker skin. Another idea is that the Lamanites used body paint or decorations that darkened their skin, which would explain the darker skin but not the curse aspect.

Even if the "curse of blackness" is literally about race -- which I doubt it is -- it doesn't mean that, in our gospel, dark skin equals evil.** As the Nephites grew in power and resources, they became prideful and stopped believing. The Lamanites did begin to believe and even became more righteous than the Nephites at one point. As a religion, we also believe that man cannot be punished for the sins of their fathers, called generational sin [see Article of Faith 2]. Those blessed with melanin are no better or worse than any white folk -- all souls are alike and equally capable of exaltation.

[When you look, we have far more scriptures about all people and races being equal than we do about curses of black skin.]

I will be the first to admit that our religion has not had... the best relationship with race. On an episode of Brothaz in the Foyer, they shared this idea that "[Even] outside of church... any organization that's over 100 years old is gonna have some type of history around racism or prejudice." [Side note: that video is also an incredible resource! I would recommend watching it. The Brothaz share their perspectives and experiences regarding race in their religion, and I think it's a helpful resource even if you're not struggling with this concept. It's good to branch out and hear experiences from minority groups in the Church.]

To be entirely honest, I don't entirely understand 2 Nephi 5:21 myself. There are many parts of my faith that don't quite make sense to me, with my earthly mind. Expecting that every member of the Church has to understand and be an expert on every part of our religion is like expecting that every person who loves dinosaurs has a perfect explanation on whether or not there is evidence for a feathered Tyrannosaurus Rex. Not understanding a "curse of blackness" doesn't undermine the idea that I believe in a God who sent a Savior who died for my sins and wants me to return to him. Just because I don't know if T. Rex had feathers doesn't mean I don't believe that dinosaurs existed, you get me?

Anyways, I know I didn't quite answer your question, but hopefully the sources I shared with you can help you come to a conclusion about this [I don't feel experienced enough on this topic to share my own opinions lol, I'll leave it to the theologians of color to explain] And, I might mention, although it's very forward of me to say so, that you could pray about this issue. You don't have to, of course, but it's always an option to anyone struggling with anything ever. Who knows -- you might learn something! :}

Thank you for your ask!

*I grew up in a STAUNCHLY anti-racist household -- went to Juneteenth celebrations, attended protests, met and served friends of color, etc. -- so making the 7 year old learn about Hebrew idioms about race was not too weird for us

** The doctrine, at least, does not say anything about white supremacy. That doesn't mean that members can't misinterpret gospel doctrine and be horribly racist. I have heard of encounters with many a racist Mormon, and my heart aches for all those who have been prejudiced against at the hand of racist Church members.

[blushweddinggowns]

It was kinda like an open secret, the fact that they were together. And if Steve was being honest with himself, even that was a stretch.

And it was one hundred percent their fault. Well...mostly it was Eddie's fault. The second they were with whoever he deemed "safe" Eddie would be all over him. Whether it was pet names, casually wrapping an arm around his waist, dragging him to sit on his lap, a kiss to his forehead, Eddie was far from shy when it came to handing out affection.

And if Steve did absolutely nothing to stop him when it happened well...that was Eddie's fault too. What else was Steve supposed to do when the man he loved was so openly sweet and affectionate? Say no? Put a stop to the behavior that made him feel like he was the most important person in Eddie's world? Give up the chaste hugs and kisses that made him feel like he was walking on air?

Yeah, no. It wasn't Steve's fault that Eddie made him feel so good, so the blame could stay laid at his feet.

Yep, totally Eddie's fault, Steve had nothing to do with it.

But there were only so many times you could call your new "best friend" baby before people started asking questions. Robin knew, Wayne knew, Nancy knew, and Steve was pretty sure all of Eddie’s age-appropriate friends were well aware.

And the kids would figure it out when they figured it out. It's not that they didn't trust them to accept their relationship, it was more that they would be too accepting. And way too involved. And Steve wanted to bask in the honeymoon period before all of his little shits started giving unprompted advice on his love life, and Eddie felt the same way.

So they lied, but only a little. Or more that Steve lied. Whenever it was a Steve and Eddie date night exclusive and the kids were vying for attention or rides, he'd tell them was hanging out with Robin or working late. But Eddie would just smile and shake his head to any asks, always with a painfully sincere, "Can't tonight, I got a date with my sweetheart."

His sweetheart who, none of the kids could meet until, in his words, he officially locked it down, the silly little speech never failing in making Steve blush and smile like an idiot. It was always enough to make the kids back off, and for the moment, their little plan seemed to be working.

But Steve wasn't sure how long it would stay that way, not when Eddie was very suddenly elected as the go-to for advice on the kids' love lives.

Which ow. Steve had experience with relationships, maybe not good experiences until very recently, but he had them! But the kids bypassed him every time in favor of the "one" adult in their lives who actually was seeing someone. And Steve didn't have the heart to break it to them that he was the only one their new love genius had ever been with.

Lucas had started it, faux casual at a Hellfire meetup, with Steve lazily reading magazines in the corner while he waited for his nerd boyfriend to be done so their night could actually begin.

"Hey Eddie, you've been seeing your girlfriend for a while right?"

Eddie nodded, "We're closing in at six months, why?"

Lucas rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, embarrassed, "Well...what would you do if say, you know they love you, and you love them, but they never let you help them with anything? Like...they always act like they're a burden when they're really just the best?"

Steve perked up at the question. silently watching as Eddie considered it.

He nodded along, thoughtful, “I was with someone like that once, always thinking about everyone else but never themselves. I guess you kinda just have to love it out of them y'know? Like give them the space they ask for sure, but let them know that you're always there for them. Not because you have to but because you want to.” 

Eddie took a chance and glanced at Steve while he spoke, giving him the quickest wink known to mankind. Steve hid behind his magazine, ears red with a stupid, lovestruck smile as Lucas thanked him.

Then it was Dustin. He sprung it on them while Steve was driving him over to the Wheeler's place, Eddie flipping through radio stations while Dustin was prattling to them in the backseat, "So I was trying to explain it to her, and she totally flipped out and hung up! She said that I think I'm smarter than her, which is totally untrue! Suzie is the smartest person I know!"

Steve snorted, "I told you you could be condescending-"

Dustin glared at him, waving him away, "I'm asking Eddie thank you very much! "I just thought she knew that I know she's smarter than me. So what should I do?"

Eddie shrugged, "I was with someone like that once, super, super smart but they could never acknowledge it in the way I thought they should. For them though, it was because people always talked down to them and never made the effort to see how they were smart. There are a lot of different kinds of intelligence out there right? So just let her know that there are some things you're better at but you know that for most things she's the gold star child."

Eddie glanced back at Dustin, rolling his eyes when he realized the kid was actually taking notes, but it gave him a chance to stealthily grab Steve's hand and squeeze it with a wide grin, "It isn't fair, but rarely does the smartest person in a room, know that it's them."

And if Steve couldn't help but kiss the daylights out of him while they were still in the Wheeler's driveway after that little speech, he stood that it was still Eddie's fault for being so sweet.

The kids kept coming to Eddie for advice, mostly because it usually worked. Some of it Steve was there for and some of it he wasn't, but it never stopped embarrassing the living hell out of him to hear himself be talked about so positively and sweetly, especially if it came out of the mouths of one of the kid's, unknowingly repeating stories and advice centered around Steve.

It was Will who finally cracked it, because who else? They were all at the Harrington place, taking full advantage of the absentee parents and pool during a hot summer day. Wil found the two of them in the kitchen, in the middle of a stupid debate over the best action movie of the year, sharing a popsicle back and forth while they play-fought.

He looked nervous as he walked up to them, looking anywhere but at their faces, "Hey Eddie, do you mind if I ask you something?"

Eddie nodded, snatching the last of the popsicle from Steve's hand, ignoring his whining, "Sure dude, what's up?"

"Have you ever, um, liked someone who you thought didn't like you back? But then they started...acting different?"

Eddie cocked his head at him, "Elaborate."

"Like...just treating you differently. More touchy-feely and attentive maybe? Do you think...that means anything? Has that ever happened to you?"

Steve glanced out the kitchen window, eyes on Mike as he sat at the edge of the pool, legs dangling over the side while his head was on a swivel, no doubt looking for Will.

It didn't take a genius to guess who he was talking about.

Eddie shrugged, "Not exactly? But I have gone after someone majorly out of my league before. And that worked out. I'd say just be straight forward and confident. Ask if they're interested, or if you can't do that ask them how'd they feel if you got with someone else. That can sometimes get the ball rolling if they're being too tight-lipped about their feelings."

Will nodded along, "So is that how you got Steve?"

Steve froze while Eddie laughed, not even catching on to the slip, "I got Steve by crying to his loose-lipped best friend about how in love with him I was. Not the best example."

And of course, that was the moment Dustin decided to walk in the room.

Steve brought a hand to his mouth, laughing behind it as Dustin froze, staring wide-eyed at Eddie, "You're with Steve?!"

Eddie whipped around to face him, but Dustin was already staring at Steve, "So the someone like that, has been you this whole time?!"

Steve was still laughing behind his hand as Dustin skittered out, no doubt to announce to the whole backyard just where their great love advice had been coming from.

Will followed him, winking at them over his shoulder as he went. Eddie was still standing there, confused on how one of the munchkins just bamboozled him into telling the longest kept secret he ever had.

Steve clapped a hand on his shoulder, just as voices started to raise from the background, coupled with a few yells around someone owing Will money, "Guess the secret's out huh?"

Eddie turned to face him with a sigh, smacking a kiss to his forehead, "You realize this means you're going to have to help with the love advice now right?"

Steve groaned, "I thought my existence was the help."

"Nope, it's your turn to give the love advice about me from now on."

Steve laughed, leaning in to kiss him chastely on the mouth. They grinned at each other, enjoying their last moments of peace before the whole gaggle of kids made they're way into the room, armed with questions and accusations galore.

But that was okay, Steve was more than ready for it to be his turn.

[daydreamcloudshiding]

#3 Astrology Observations

People with Venus conjunct Jupiter aspect in natal are such big hearted people. They have so much love to give, the kind to just love love. People are easily charmed by them

Sun-Moon squares in synastry create this competitive vibe between them, especially coming from the Sun person. The Sun person feels like the Moon is trying to overshadow them in some way, even if both are such nice people. The Moon person can feel that the Sun person is overbearing. With Sun-Moon opposites, they simply have difficulties in understanding each other. But with time, they can work it out. But with squares, the competitive vibe can be challenging

People with Venus conjunct Pluto aspect in natal are intense when in love because they believe that when it comes to love, there has to be pain and sacrifices. This doesn't always means that it's toxic, though. It's just means that they are willing to sacrifice for their love, regardless of what other people say

A lot of Scorpios that I've met really wanted that stable, loving, and deep connection in love but always go for those people with toxic tendencies. What this creates is trauma-bonding instead of that stable and deep emotional connections. An example for this would be they will date/marry someone that everyone knows (like it's so painfully obvious) that this person has several toxic ex or abusive relationships, so there's a pattern. They will date this person thinking that they are the one who can handle this person/a relationship with this person. I think that they often mistake intensity with depth, it's not the same so be careful with that

People with a lot of Taurus / 2nd house in their natal chart, careful to not get stuck in your comfort zone

You know how people always talk about how mysterious Scorpios are, how secretive they are? The developed ones are actually the most honest and straightforward people I know, even about their darkest feelings. They are not afraid to admit their own raw and albeit sometimes dark and embarrassing emotions like jealousy, anger, hate, shame, fear, etc. They own up to it, and see if they can make peace with it. If you're childish or somewhat afraid of your own shadow sides, you will not like Scorpios. But if you too can recognise this side of you, you will feel so inspired by them. Ultimately, Scorpios seek to overcome their own limitations. The undeveloped ones will sometimes project this shadow sides onto others and be so judgemental, perfectionistic. But the developed ones? They are so intuitive and have that power within themselves to overcome and make peace with their own weaknesses. Nothing can stop them, not even their own fears. They always rise like the phoenix. This is also may resonate with you if you have 8th house placement in your natal

Something about Scorpio's sister sign as well, which is Taurus, is that people seems to perceived them as greedy, while in my experience with them, it's not about greediness at all. It's about Taurus f*cking love their comfort zone so much that they will hold onto things, people, and places even if they are no longer serve them. The undeveloped ones hates uncertainty so much, while the developed ones will be the ones who is always grounded and stable in uncertain situations. Nothing can break them, they are so resilient. They are not afraid of change, not afraid of a little chaos. This also may resonate with you if you have 2nd house placement in your natal

Uranus in 10th house people have this unstable public image that's just kind of all over the place to be honest. This is my own personal experience with some of them, like one day they dressed very girly and the next time you see them dressed very boyish. They do good things to maintain "good" persona to the public like charity and very focused on their career (like they seem to always working, giving the impression like they are a good hard working person), but at the same time they have no proper plan for their career and they also cheat on their boyfriend or dated questionable people who most likely can or will ruin their public image. I have no idea what to think of them

Pisces MC in composite will make people think that the relationship is simply not making any sense. People will also think that the relationship is fake. There is a spiritual bond here, but mostly it's something that may evoke artistic tendencies. Like if you're an artist, you may only date them so that you can write songs or poetry about them. I'm not saying that it's shallow. But there's that vibe to it

In my experience, people with a lot of water in their chart can be so emotionally unavailable and prone to act selfishly. They get so easily overwhelmed by their own emotions that they may fail to recognise that others too have emotions, perhaps just as intense as theirs. Yes, they may be intuitive, but again and again, they fail to recognise other people's emotions

Again, my own experience, If you have Southnode-Mars synastry, for some reason the southnode person gets easily jealous of the Mars's accomplishment or confidence

A lot of people say how spiritual Pisceans are. In my own experience, it's Sagittarius and Libras who are so spiritual and open-minded. Pisces kind of reminds me a lot of Capricorn, but their approach and how they express themselves is more softer and somehow elusive; both Pisceans and Capricorns are skeptics. But they don't necessarily will express it. Pisces might not do it because they don't want to offend people, while Capricorn might not do it because they simply don't see this as something important. The thing is, if something somehow makes zero sense or give them the impression that it's a loss of their free will, they will not buy it. They actually dislike being perceived too. Pisceans will show this by being secretive or withdrawn, Capricorn by doing the exact opposite of what you tell them. If you tell a Pisces that they are artistic, spiritual, etc they will try to confuse you instead by show less of these characteristics in front of you, while Capricorn will just straight up tell you that they are the exact opposites or they will focus to do math, science, etc just to prove that you're wrong and can't tell them who they really are

The undeveloped side of the 12th house in Pisces people manifest as those who creepily morph into whoever the sleep with

My experiences with Pisces sun / Pisces dominant people is the more passive they are with you (always agree with you, follow whatever you want, etc) it's actually not because they like you or love you but the exact opposite of that, which is they either really dislike you and hate to use their energy to argue with you or they just afraid of you and see you as toxic. I noticed people thought that if a Pisces follow whatever you want that means that they like you or love you so much, it's not. They don't feel safe with you and it's only a matter of time before they leave you. These people are very passive and if they happen to have a lot of Aquarius/Sagittarius in their chart, they ghost people a lot because they have these avoidant tendencies

The sign in your 12th house also can manifest as your guilty pleasures. For example, if your 12th house is in Aries, Aries people might come into your life as these people who will give you the exact relationship that will make you question your morals. Like you know that it's wrong, but you can't help feeling attracted to them. They will show you your shadow-side as well. And even after they're gone, you can't ever really hate them because it's not a lie or illusions and the scary part is you know it. In fact, maybe the good-proper image that you have is instead the one thing that is a lie. This is an extreme example, but let's say you think of yourself as someone who is logical and always follows the rule, the 12th house sign will come into your life and show you that as it turns out, you hate the fact that you always have to follow the rule and be good. That there's something else underneath it all

[bloodsadx]

i really appreciate your work. the first thing that struck me when i first read was the depiction of acne of course. Stark red on mainly black pieces. Disappearing as it fades from your perception but always there by implication and the way it informs. It feels real in a way most depictions don't.

As an artist i respect and relate to, I was wondering if you have words for something. I've released critical writing to decent success, but have found that what actually draws people is the person that leaks into the critique. But I can't harness that intentionally. I'm fairly dissociative and barely know myself, nor how to relate that self to others.

Your works feel personal and critical, in a sorta coherent flux. I wish to learn that, but I'm someone that eats their nails ig. Nothing leaves my body without a filter. Beyond attempting to grow out of that critical isolation, do you have any reading, art, concepts to explore? If not, i appreciate the consideration. keep it real

the first thing i wanna say is thank you. the second thing i wanna say is that absolutely being a critic who has a following or success is more about having a cult of personality than having strong critical faculties. but i think the best critics have their personalities in part molded around their critical faculties, and having rigorously lived in some kind of way which matches and performs the kind of standards they purport to hold media to they gain a large degree of authenticity. but being a critic is also heavily about persuasion and through relating and story telling you can really draw someone into your arguments. so to that end having a strong voice and living a bespoke life defined by a unique and Personal personhood is definitely like, a goal that i think is like, inseparable from being able to not only like talk about art but to experience and communicate about experiences gained from art.

and so i really think just doing stuff and taking risks and living hard and painfully and reflectively and full of vulnerability is important to being better at doing that. and i think thats true of any kind of art. i think a good example to me is someone like tim rogers, who, by design has obfuscated much of his forward facing personality and brand, but also has created or purports to have created like a doppelganger of himself anyway which represents the arguments hes making. and his lived experience often serves, whether ironically or sincerely, as a basis for the core of his various experiences. and maybe more importantly to what you asked, the navel gazing memoir esque rants he goes on allow people to construct a personal version of that character which seems real and allows them to relate and Care about his arguments. and he has a very big and dedicated following. selling authenticity and boisterousness. you got dunkey and orson welles doing the same shit. and maybe another very important thing with these particular figures to me is that they didn’t necessarily want to be critics, didn’t show up to the conversation choosing to be perceived as Sideliners, but actively are or were people who created and then talked about stuff.

as far as my own work, i make things which are honest and lies and i make fun of myself freely and i say stupid things and make art that is so vulnerable and honest at times to the point of damaging myself and my personal relationships. i openly embarrass myself but intentionally and unintentionally. i have a like genuine personal belief in the fact that being vulnerable and naive and sincere makes art better and so i have actively for a long time sought to be better at doing that. and art to me is in part a release and the way in which i express the things im thinking has been honed through long periods of obsessive angst and self seriousness as well as detachment and self hatred. i spend most of my life doing stuff that isn’t making art, like walking 10-15 miles a day or drinking at bars with my friends or working for weeks straight in an empty studio, often until i become devastated or empassioned by something, and then i vomit everything i’m feeling through some kind of metaphor sometimes and other times just nakedly. i listen to a lot of emo music and am obsessed with publicly vulnerable figures in art like kanye or phil elvrum or lil peep or whatever. i don’t know. it’s taken me a long time to find the footing i have and it’s been a constant process to keep it, and i often lose it, and i am honestly and probably visibly even extremely concerned with my own work to the point i am regularly reanalyzing it and making insular self references. a big thing for me when i made my first zine (AND IM TIRED OF FEELING FEELING, which is mostly bad) and then after that my first book (MANIFESTO) was the concept to me of beginning to make my own emotional vocabulary. and i mean literally i thought of and planned out a series of things and events and symbols which i could attempt to define and talk about so that they would be like, recorded, and then i would be able to, in all of my own further work, respond to my own failures and successes in doing that. and i think most people don’t do that so deliberately, but for me i think being very intentional and analytical and like structurally aware of how art is designed comes most naturally to me when i’m Reflecting and then doing that reflection work constantly allows me to, when i am in Making mode, vomit stuff that is even slightly meaningful to anybody. my art is a conversation with myself and little fake cartoons of parts of myself or my reactions to the world around me. sometimes to the point of being nauseating LOL!

well i hope any of that helps you. i just sincerely recommend going crazy and like doing stuff thats crazy and seems like stuff u maybe wouldnt ever experience. i think sometimes i think of myself as doing gonzo journalism on like extremely mundane stuff where im like yeah im gonna go to this boring party that sucks but im doing it as a student of the world of boring parties that suck. sometimes u just gotta put urself in a position.

[bloggingboutburgers]

hey! just stumbled on your blog today and I have to say it is one of the best surprises of my day! Happy to meet you as another aroace french fellow!! I have a question (a bit more private, so you do not have to answer if you are feeling uncomfortable about answering)! The comics about you and your partner truly are adorable, and you two seem to be really close! Society has this very strict view of couples so that they HAVE to love each other romantically, be mutually jealous, have sex, yadda yadda... obviously there is much more diverse couples than that, and thank goodness!! So I was wondering, since there is no romantic attraction on your side, what drives you in in your partner? Is it the secure and complex feeling of intimacy one has when in a relationship? Or something else entirely? I am curious! I love to hear about arospec couple experience! wish you the best for you and your partner! lots of love and support!!

Hey! Very happy to e-meet you as well, and thank you so much for the kind words TwT Very glad to be a nice surprise!

That's also a fair question! In all fairness, my partner was the one who brought up the idea of us being in a queerplatonic relationship, and my reaction to that was… Painfully anticlimactic. But within months of trying it out I was definitely sold, way more sold than I thought I was gonna be.

I still sorta ask myself the question pretty often, to be honest. Like, what draws me to this so much, because it surprises me a lot, and makes me question myself as an aromantic at times – even though I always wind up coming back to the conclusion that, yeah, I am very much an aromantic.

Security definitely plays a big part into it – I'll even say safety. The fact that being with them allows me to get affection and positive physical contact without having anything expected of me beyond that in return is huge to me. I may not be interested in romantic love but I want affection from time to time like a lot of human beings I think, and I've found myself being pretty touch-starved/hug-starved quite a few times in my life. So I'd let friends hug me a lot, up until I realized a handful of them might’ve been seeing something other than just the bare thing of sharing affection as a human being in those hugs, and put me on the defensive. And then I’ve lived most of my life being wary of most people and of what they’d expect from me if I dared to get « too close » to them.

What I have with my partner allows me to have that affection, and to be able to give that affection, be it physically, verbally, or anything like that, without having to worry about my boundaries being crossed. They make me feel loved and safe at the same time and it can be a pretty tall order for someone like me. I guess that’s how I could put it best?

…Also they’re adorable and very funny, overall a very sunny person and I’m honoured I get to selfishly enjoy that from a front row.

…I could go on and on because there’d be a lot to say but yeah!! I hope that made sense TwT Thank you so much for the lovely good wishes^^

[podcastenthusiast]

(Little fic set during the first Long Rest. Astarion experiments with the new limits of his vampiric nature. It goes badly and Tav helps.)

Now on ao3

The atmosphere at camp that first night is fraught with worry and uncertainty, everyone reeling from the recent trauma. Reminds you of home, really. You know a thing or two about sharing space with the only handful of people in this world going through the same horrid experience as you.

Now here you all sit sharing a meal together, too. Or, well, they are.

"Something wrong, Astarion? You're not eating."

The half-orc is looking at you with suspicion—no, with concern. They are all looking at you. Then this is your cue. Time to put on a show. Play your part.

"Well," you sniff haughtily, "to be honest, this is hardly the caliber of cuisine I'm used to. No offence meant, darling."

"None taken; Gale cooked."

"And I did my best with our severely limited provisions, thank you very much. Sorry it isn't up to your standards, Astarion."

You conjure distant memories of decadent meals as unreal to you now as the forgotten color of your own eyes. Can't have anyone sneaking a peak into your mind through your shared connection and seeing blood and vermin--your usual sustenance.

"Even so, please try to eat something," she insists.

"Why? To build team camaraderie? I can think of far more exciting ways to get better acquainted."

"We all need to keep our strength up," she says. "For the journey to that cure Lae'zel spoke of."

Maybe I don't want a cure, you almost snap. But that wouldn't align with the image you've woven for them of a carefree magistrate who must have a comfortable life in the city worth returning to. They cannot know the truth. At least not until they trust you enough to tolerate a monster in their midst. Until you've proven yourself more useful alive.

So you regard the stew warily. Hunger gnaws at your gut, never sated, but only for blood. Still... After a full day in glorious sunlight, perhaps you could decide to push your luck just a bit further. Who knows what other remarkable exceptions to your condition the tadpole has provided? What's the harm in a little experimenting?

You tentatively lift the spoon to your mouth.

———

Later, while the others are asleep in their beds, your evening is spent retching up the meager contents of your stomach into the bushes. Turns out the mind flayer tadpole can't or won't alter every inconvienient facet of your undead physiology. Walking in the sun? Yes, by all means. Eating food? Very much still a no. Makes perfect sense!

"I see Gale's cooking really didn't agree with you."

Her voice manages to startle you. Not many people can do that anymore. Damn. It will be more challenging to seduce her after she's seen you like this, so weak and sick. It's okay. You are a professional, after all.

You fumble for an explanation that would satisfy your traveling companion. Would she believe a garlic allergy, or is that too on the nose? You could claim someone tried to poison you. Or you did it yourself to avoid the inevitable transformation but got the dosage wrong, play her sympathetic heart like the strings of her lyre. That could work.

But she doesn't ask any questions, for which you are immensely grateful.

Your stomach rolls and lurches painfully again. You taste something metallic on your tongue, subtly spitting out a clot of old blood into the grass. Pray she doesn't see; she would think it's already too late for you. She fears the tadpole—fears death, fears becoming something else, losing control of her body, as any reasonable person would in this situation. You almost want to tell her things can get so much worse than that. Worse than she is even capable of imagining.

"Astarion, hey. Breathe."

You breathe. There's a warm pressure against your back. Her hand, you realize, solid and soothing.

"Look at me?"

You look at her.

She touches your forehead. Gentle. You can't recall the last time anyone touched you like that.

"No fever," she mutters as if to herself, withdrawing the hand. Your eyes linger on the veins in her skin. "You feel too cold, in fact, you're shaking. Come sit by the fire."

You obey. Allow her to coax you over to a bedroll. Somehow you have fooled her into believing you're worth caring for.

"I didn't know you're a healer," you hear yourself saying. Where are you? You don't feel entirely present in this moment. Perhaps you haven't been for quite a while.

"Because I'm not. Just a mother," she says, a touch wistfully, and you realize how little you truly know about this woman whose throat you held a knife to mere hours ago. She carries herself like a soldier but calls herself a bard. Probably middle-aged, if the greying hair and lines beneath her eyez are any indication. And she has at least one child, apparently. You wonder vaguely if anyone waits for her back in Baldur's Gate. You wonder how it feels to be missed.

You don't know what to say, however, so you don't speak.

"It's okay to be scared, you know," she says quietly. "I'm scared, too. But we're in this together."

You laugh bitterly. She sincerely thinks it is fear making you ill, doesn't she, like some pathetic creature. A mistaken assumption, obviously, but...

You are, though.

Terrified.

A fear so bone-deep and familiar it is home to you. You're afraid this has all been some bizarrely wonderful nightmare, that you'll wake up any moment in a gloomy crypt with Cazador looming over you. Even more afraid that it's real and you actually have something to lose. You would sooner eat another wriggling parasite--hells, an entire pot of that damn stew—than go back to Cazador.

He will find you, you're certain. He will send hunters to track you down like a dog. Escape is impossible. This is nothing more than a brief reprieve in the misery of your existence.

You're a little afraid, too, of her. Of this unrelenting, undeserved kindness. Of what happens to you when it goes away.

"Why are you helping me?" you ask. She must want something. Everyone does.

"Maybe I just need you well enough to fight tomorrow," she offers. "Or, consider: you're a person who could use some help. Simple as that."

"You're too good for this sorry world," you say it like an accusation. Too good to me.

She shrugs. "Well, go with the first answer then. Need anything?"

"No, I think not."

The one thing you need, you don't dare ask for. Not yet.

"Try to get some rest, okay? I had last watch so dawn can't be too far off."

"Wait."

"Yeah?"

"I...I would appreciate if you didn't mention this to the others."

That earns a strange look from her, but she nods. "Of course. Good night, Astarion."

You watch the sunrise for the first time in centuries. It is completely worth the awful, sleepless night which preceded it. Your days are numbered, you know, between the parasite and Cazador, but you are damn well going to make every second of that freedom count.

[chushanye]

all my notes on episodes 44 and 45:

the Beth and Ron intro and "Ron...what are we?" made laugh while in a dead quiet bus on a border crossing while people were getting their passports checked and maybe THAT'S why the officer was rude to me

directly from my notes: "google lauren booger??? over the panrs hj in beetlejuice the musical, transphobic? okay i googled her ANTHONY WHAT THE FUCK"

ron sounds like Jennifer Coolidge in this episode

"Taylor walks in and looks at him a s i a n l y" *anthony losing it* "roll intimidation" -> i think i got a fever from how hard I laughed

*guitar strumming* "hold on Freddy's cooking" 🎵would you say a slurrrr. if you saw me in heaven🎵

listen you can't APOLOGISE away killing someone but Scarys grown as a person and Beths speech was very well composed

Taylor I love you forever (already rolling up sleeves, "you wanna go", stuttering over his words, the moment someone questions his dad's power) Freddy is a genius for this character

I relate to Normal painfully this episode. him welling up with tears and him feeling left out while people yry to comfort him in vain is like integral to my middle school experience

"schooled in jail" is so Scary of Link. shes really emo-fied them I appreciate that. I appreciate her influence.

i cannot get over the "chaos orbs" joke because everytime i just think they're talking about the fucking chaos emeralds from the sonic franchise

*crying* IM A BAD PERSON! RON! DADDY! -> I love Terry Jr charactarisation. I love how guilt has been eating him up. I love how he still loves Ron so much. I love that he still goes to his dad. I love them sm.

Ron is just Gandalf in the way hes an old man with wisdom everyone respects despite him making no sense sometimes.

I love Ron's charactarisation. How he tries to help Nick and "you lied to me kiddo" and how he's honest with Nick and fuck I miss Ron. Beth is doing a fantastic job.

Nick is so fucking cool.

Nick and Terry Jr were best friends? Was this established before?

ooh i love the just TASTY instrumentals as anthony describes the daddy magic

I LOVE NICK. hes so fucked uo and traumatised and he isn't exactly trying his best but that is due to the things he went through and he's going through so much but he loves Taylor even more and UGGGH the fuckign Close family man.

Taylor and Glenn interacting is always just Freddy going:

"if you found time travel maguc maybe you could pick me up and we could do childhood all over again" -> I don't want to hear ANYBODY say that Freddy's characters are one-note. He knows exactly who they are and exactly how to play them and they're endlessly fascinating to me.

Taylor and Normal volunteering to be kings of hell and getting themselves in a cage is so good. like from a character perspective. "fear. fear in talkors eyes. why did i open my mouth?" is SO fucking good. it does so much for portraying Taylors thought process or lack thereof. it does so much to paint how he reacts emotionally to things. Normal's desperate need for validation leading to him putting them in a dumbass situation? Taylor bejng blinded by what's funny/exciting only to realise too late he should think before he speaks? Perfect. this is so fucking true to teengehood I feel liek I've been both of them at some point

[thehightiefling]

personal stuff under the cut, please do not feel obligated to read or respond. i just need to put this somewhere, i normally don't like putting stuff online

but i just. needed a space, i guess

being neurodivergent it's just. hard. fitting in somewhere, belonging somewhere.

on top of that there's the PTSD angle and I just. idk. i feel. not even human. don't get me wrong, being medicated for it finally has helped a lot.

but it's still so painfully obvious i'm different and just. can't function the same way as others. i don't know how to be a human correctly. or how to have friendships.

and it's so frustrating because i don't know what is wrong with me, what i'm doing wrong. i mean like i know i get attached, and clingy. but i try to be hyperaware of that and pretty much beg people to please set boundaries with me. idk if that's more to the mental issues or the trauma, either way i want so badly for people to like me. i'll take even the slightest crumb, because i just so badly want friendship. you don't even have to like me/care about me the same way i do you.

like i have spent so much of my life alone and in bad places. life is hard, you never know what people are going through. so i always try to be honest and sincere with people. like if i enjoy something someone does/make, or something as small as i like their hair/outfit, i'll tell them that. the few friendships i have had i love them with so much intensity and i want those people to know how much they mean to me, because it is so special to me, even if the the other party doesn't feel the same. it is all i have. and i am so grateful.

i've had my excitement over mundane things or things my friends think/say/do pointed out to me before and i worry it's more annoying than endearing.

i know there's a saying that some people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime or whatever. and i'm in my late twenties; myself and those i know are married and have kids, careers, homes, etc., i do know that life happens and while you may care a lot for someone, you just can't prioritize them in your life. totally get that and that's okay.

i'm just. mourning. because i feel like i'm only always in someone's life for a brief time, and then i outlive my uselessness. and i just disappear from their lives quietly, or something drastic happens.

i just. see these intimate, close friendships, and i just don't know why i'm not capable of doing that. i see people who have been friends since they were children, who see each other regularly, who help each other with their children or are there for major life events, good or bad. like i read one post about how these two women had been friends since they were kids, and the one basically became like an aunt to the other's children. they were literally viewed as family. they'd buy each other flowers, babysit, curl up and platonically cuddle together, spend holidays together. i just wish i could develop bonds like that.

i just almost wish i could give friends a 'feedback survey', like what they don't like about me, what i'm doing wrong. i know it's adult life. and i do have dear friends who are genuinely my family, unfortunately health and distance keep us physically apart. i just worry that eventually they'll be gone too, you know?

i feel like egotistical or attention seeking posting this. that's not my intent. i just wanted to get my thoughts out there. and idk, maybe someone will read this and understand the feeling. the human experience is really isolating

[damnable-bell]

Please, dear friend, write your Minho Manifesto (Minhonifesto)!

Bulb, you are an absolute gem. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk about my number one boy (and thank you @shojojidais for encouragement, ilu Maryam).

This post got way out of hand. I'll put the basic text below, but the full version with detailed footnotes and an index of all the YouTube videos I linked is on Google Docs, if anyone would like to see it.

Sorry for my inevitable typos.

Now, without further ado...

Choi Minho: An Appreciation

Who is Choi Minho?

Choi Minho was born on December 9th, 1991. In May 2008, he debuted as a member of the boyband SHINee, meaning that Minho has been in our lives for almost 15 wonderful years now. His official position in SHINee is main rapper and visual (i.e., the face of the group), but these days he sings about as often as he raps. (His voice is especially lovely when he gets to sing in his natural range, which he almost never gets to do with SHINee, sob sob).

Minho originally hoped to become a soccer player, but his father, the soccer coach Choi Yun-kyum, denied him, saying he hoped Minho would pursue a less difficult career. Unfortunately for Coach Choi (but perhaps fortunately for us), Minho was just born too pretty to do something more normal. At age 14, he was scouted by SM Entertainment while visiting a ski resort with his family, and the rest is history.

Why I love him

He is a true genius of hard work

In spite of the fact that he more or less stumbled into being an idol, Minho has always given 100 percent of himself to SHINee—in fact, Minho always gives 100 percent of himself to everything, whether it’s singing, rapping, dancing, acting, speaking English, sports, or drag. He hasn’t always been good at everything he does, but part of what makes Minho such a special person is his endless capacity for growth.

(When will Goddess Choi Minjung return from war? It's been eight years...)

Here’s what he had to say about being criticized for his acting in To the Beautiful You (2012):

Even from my point of view, I more than deserved those criticisms. I struggled a lot in my first lead role in ‘To The Beautiful You,’ but looking back, it is because of that past that I have confidence now, so I definitely don’t consider it a taint on my history … Back then, I just stubbornly thought that I just have to do well. At a young age, I was in a leading role and I needed to lead the drama by paying attention to the people and situation around me, but I wasn’t able to. A lead isn’t someone who just acts well on his own, but leads the entire drama. I should have paid more attention to the other things, but I focused too much on myself, and it resulted in me just awkwardly standing out. But I learned a lot from that, and it was ‘medicine’ for me. To be honest, being criticized so much was a huge lesson for me. It’s a lie if I say that I am not scared of being criticized for doing badly. But I think it’s something that I should put up with. It’s only right to acknowledge what I’m lacking and correct it. Of course, everyone wants to do well from the start. But I don’t think I’m gifted that much so I need a lot of experience.

Similarly, on writing his own raps for SHINee:

At first I was very bad at it. But if I didn't do it then it would be detrimental to me as well as to the members so I thought that I should really try to do it properly. It's true that when you put in effort your skills change. I thought, there isn't anything that can’t be done if a person really tries…

What makes Minho’s growth doubly impressive to me is that he’s not a naturally confident person. On the contrary, he’s painfully self-aware and takes deeply failure to heart:

After filming Dream Team, on days I won I would be in a really good mood, and on days I lost I would keep thinking about it. It's the same as when I make a mistake on stage. When I mess up on one step on stage, I feel hateful towards myself. I grow angry. Wondering why I did that that during that step. I think it's because my competitiveness is so strong. But that doesn't mean I enjoy competing. Instead, if there is a competition I tend to avoid it. Because if one wins, the other loses. Because any person, no matter who it is, dislikes losing.

When Minho first debuted, most people immediately clocked him as the weakest member of SHINee—and he knew it. He couldn’t rap (his infamously terrible rap on “The SHINee World”—which he really wants you to know he did not write—is legendary both in the fandom and beyond), he couldn’t act, and while he was never the worst dancer in the group, he didn’t stand out much either.

It also didn’t help that SM saddled him with the part of the ‘cool, silent type,’ when his real personality is goofy, warm, and sentimental—not to mention teasing, nagging, nurturing, full of natural aegyo, and loud. Variety is usually a place where K-Pop ‘visuals’ get to prove their worth, but in SHINee’s early variety appearances, Minho was just sort of...there. 

In his own words,

Looking back, I went through a slump during my early debut days. I first thought, “Why did I debut?��� I couldn’t dance or sing, and I couldn’t say anything in variety shows. Before debut, I was good at talking and confident, but standing in front of the public as a celebrity isn’t an easy job. (161208 SHINee’s Choi Minho - Media Interview (3))

Now, it’s never made sense to me that anyone could praise SHINee’s live stages out of one side of their mouth and trash Minho’s performance skills out of the other—there’s just no room in their choreo for any member of the group to be lagging significantly behind the others.

These days, I would be shocked to find anyone who doesn’t see Minho as an integral part of SHINee. But it’s worth taking a minute to acknowledge what a dynamic, well-rounded performer he’s become in his own right. I was so happy when I saw other people calling Minho’s rap in “Atlantis” the best part of the song, 1) because IT FUCKING IS, and 2) it made me realize just how many great rap moments Minho has had going back years. The Story of Light alone is full of them (have you guys listened to “Retro” yet today?), but there are so many older favorites, too (it’s actually pissing me off that the previous video I linked doesn’t include Minho’s part in “One Minute Back,” so here it is).

Minho hasn’t just become a strong idol-rapper (he’s never going to be on the front cover of XXL Magazine or whatever, but that’s fine, because it’s not his job); he’s also grown into a strong vocalist, a damn good dancer, and an excellent variety idol and MC (he is seriously so funny, you guys). As an actor, he’s worked hard to earn genuine praise from audiences and critics while accepting relatively ‘risky’ parts (he played a delinquent in the indie drama Derailed—where he smoked! and swore! and got beaten up by Ma Dong-seok!—as well as a gay character in the drama Yumi’s Cells). He’s also an underrated lyricist, with more than 40 songwriting credits throughout SHINee’s discography.

Last but certainly not least, Minho has (flaming) charisma and stage presence for days, as well as an astonishing ability to ‘commit to the bit’ that’s elevated many a goofy SHINee performance (my current favorite example is this performance of “Girls Girls Girls” at SHINee World III in Seoul—notice how many of the comments mention that Minho was obviously feeling himself in that bathrobe!).

Since he finished his mandatory military service, Minho has been branching out with more of his own solo activities, including a radio show, Best Choice (again: he is so funny, you guys!), and a forthcoming solo album, Chase. He seems to have become comfortable in his own skin in a way that we should all hope to be in our early thirties. As a fan, I consider it a privilege to have watched him blossom into a better, more confident version of himself. He is a true genius of hard work, and I could not be more excited for his solo.

He has the biggest heart

I love Minho because Minho has so much love to give. He’s the kind of person who leaves notes telling his friends he loves them while they’re asleep. He once saved all the SHINee members’ names in his phone under “My Lovely ___.” He writes the longest dedications of anyone in the group. He’s thoughtful and dedicated and has a lot of feelings (though by his own admission, he tends to hide them, so that he can continue to give strength to others). He is, for lack of a better word, all ooey-gooey inside, with a sentimental streak a mile wide.

Minho always goes the extra mile to support the other members of SHINee. SHINee’s leader, Onew, once called him the group’s “heart aid”:

Whatever happens, he is by our side and calls out to us. Minho is really a person who becomes our strength in any situation … It’s not only with me, even with other members, he is our heart aid and is a very important existence to all of us (2014)

When the other members cry onstage, Minho is often the first to comfort them. Who could forget the iconic photo of Minho hugging an inconsolable Jonghyun to his bosom after SHINee’s first music show win for “Juliette,” or all the many times he comforted Jonghyun—always the crybaby of the group—onstage thereafter?

Here are just a few more examples of Minho showing his support for the other members of SHINee:

Hiding away his emergency money to buy a birthday present for Key, even though they hated each other at the time

Surprising Jonghyun on his birthday at Jonghyun’s radio show, Blue Night (150409)

Flying to Japan to attend the second day of Taemin’s Tokyo concert in 2018 (181125), then flying back to Korea to attend Key’s concert showcase the very next day (181126)

Surprising Jonghyun at Jonghyun’s X-Inspiration concert in 2016 (161204, or click through to “…and Minho” on this Omona post for all the cute fan accounts)

Surprising Jonghyun on the last day of Blue Night—and bringing lots of tissues, because he knew Jonghyun would cry (170402). (The part of this video everyone remembers is the part where Minho tells Jonghyun that he brought the softest box tissues “because Jonghyun-hyung’s skin is precious,” but really, every second of it just radiates compassion and care. We should all be so lucky to have a friend like Minho.).

Surprising Jonghyun at Jonghyun’s The Story concert—and bringing throat drops, because he knew Jonghyun’s throat might be sore. Look how happy and proud he was when they left!

Fuck it, here are two whole threads of Minho showing up for Jonghyun’s concerts. Don’t miss the one where he’s showing Jonghyun off to the camera like a work of art.

While he was in the military, he sent food trucks to Taemin to support Taemin’s comeback (200907)

Minho to Onew in 2020: “But I love having you as company. I love your lame jokes. Just keep making your jokes. It’s just that you need moral support” (201116)

On the day he was discharged , Minho went straight from the military to see Taemin backstage at Inkigayo, without even changing out of his marine uniform. I’ve saved the best for last, so if you only click on one link in this post, please, please make it this one: [탬로그6v6📹] TAEMIN 태민 #샤이니isBack 201119

I should add that Minho doesn’t do all this stuff because he’s not booked and busy himself. He’s constantly filming, doing photoshoots, and randomly upstaging Melania Trump. Supporting the other members isn’t something he does just because he has the time; it’s something he works at consciously.

When SHINee went on Blue Night in 2016, Minho described how he transfers his support to the busiest member depending on the season:

Jonghyun: Then Minho-ssi, which member do you feel the most attached to? Minho: Out of the four? I think it changes with the season. Jonghyun: Who is it in the recent season? Minho: In the recent season, it’s Jonghyun-hyung. It’s because he’s the busiest. He needs to prepare for the concert. I think I try to take more care of the member who’s the busiest. Jonghyun: Then Key has been very busy until recently because of Drinking Solo. Key, did you feel that Minho was taking care of you? Did you feel it, Key? Minho’s love? Key: No, not at all. Jonghyun: He must have just thought about it a lot in his mind. (Ha.) Key: But he really is surprising. I think his day is a little longer than other people’s. I don’t know how he can watch them all [referring to the members’ activities]. Jonghyun: It’s a great thing. It means he has a lot of affection. Key: It’s not that I don’t watch it on purpose. When I turn on TV and find that our member is on by chance, I would watch it then. But to watch something intentionally…it means it’s a plan. Jonghyun: Minho watches everything, all the members’ schedules.

I’ve been a fan of SHINee for a long time—long enough to remember a time when the members didn’t all get along as famously as they do now—and I really believe that they wouldn’t have made it nearly this far if not for Minho holding them together.

I thought about saying something here like, “Minho’s strength is giving strength to others,” but I don’t think that would be giving nearly enough credit. What I most admire about Minho isn’t just that he gives strength to others, but that his love for other people becomes his strength—that it enables him to do the impossible and find that extra hour in the day.

This is all very sweet just by itself, but it becomes even more impressive when you consider—and here is where I start to get into a little bit of conjecture—how easily Minho could have given in to jealousy and resentment.

Imagine, for a moment, that you are 16 or 17 years old, you’ve just made your entertainment industry debut, and you’re surrounded by people whom everyone agrees are more talented than you. This isn’t the first time you’ve been overlooked; at home, you have a brother whom everyone agrees is smarter, more popular, and better-looking, and your own parents joke that maybe he should have debuted instead of you. People on the internet write articles calling you “useless” and “a black hole of talent” (I’m not going to link these!).

I think a lot of people in that situation would have grown to resent their peers. Instead, Minho doubled down on his support for the other members. There is something truly egoless, I think, in how hard he works to care for those around him. Whatever his own insecurities are or might have been, he doesn’t seem to have ever let them get in the way of all the love he has to give.

Of course, Minho doesn’t just show his tender heart in his interactions with the other SHINee members. He’s also endlessly kind to fans. Some of my favorite examples:

When he was a guest on My Last 48 Hours in 2018, the three things he chose to do in his hypothetical last 48 hours were: 1) spend time with family, 2) spend time with SHINee, and 3) spend time with fans. Since there was no time to organize a fanmeet, the producers found just one fan for him to surprise. She started to cry, he got kind of choked up at her crying...it was all too cute for words.

From the letter he wrote to Shawols (SHINee fans) while he was in the military: “As part of the engineering battalion, I’ve received air transportation training. You guys might not know much about it, so to put it simply, our training consists of falling from a plane or a helicopter with a parachute! … I was able to get closer to the sky during training. It was really pretty, and it was great, because I felt like I was looking at you guys.”

...OK, one more quote from the same letter: “I’m reading each and every letter from our SHINee world and I’m treasuring them … Giving your hearts to someone is like giving them your everything, receiving the heart of someone is like receiving all of them and sharing everything with them. I’m really happy that that person is you guys.”

Just the sheer number of times it’s been confirmed he actually reads his fan letters

His Kiseki stage. All of it. It’s maybe the purest expression of Minho to date (his solo stages prior to this were all, like, hip-thrusting to Usher with his shirt off—which, like, fine, I’m not complaining, but the baseball uniform is so much more his style). Every time I rewatch it, I’m just blown away by his sincerity. You can hear it in his voice. Also, I’ll say it: better than the original.

Recently he confessed that he watches fan reaction videos when he can’t sleep (Minhooooo!)

He once spent $21,000 to gift the 800 fans who came to his birthday fanmeet with sweatshirts from his endorsement line (171209). Insane thing to do. When the time comes to eat the rich, I will have no choice but to spare him.

If you’ve never been sucked into the K-Pop Vortex, I know what you’re probably thinking: being kind to fans is part of his job, it doesn’t actually mean anything. And you’re right, it is a part of his job—a part he’s very good at! K-Pop is a fantasy, and entering into a space where you feel seen and appreciated as a fan is a part of that fantasy.

But as a veteran K-Pop Enjoyer, I can tell you that just because something is ‘performative’ doesn’t mean it doesn’t also come from the heart. I also feel that SHINee have worked hard throughout their careers to be true to themselves in public—and to create spaces where they could be closer to fans on their own terms. So it would actually be really unfair to them, I think, to continually insist, against all available evidence, that everything they say and do is somehow calculated. I don’t have any trouble understanding that being an idol is a job, and there are no doubt days when they would rather do anything than talk to fans. But if Minho says that hearing from fans is a part of the job he generally enjoys—and that he cares about us, whether on a personal level or solely in the abstract—I’m inclined to believe him?

I’m cynical about many things, especially in K-Pop, but I just don’t have it in me to be cynical about Minho or SHINee.

I mean, just look at this:

I love him to pieces, and he’s improved a ton, but I’m still not sure he’s that good an actor.

Miscellaneous reasons

I’ve always felt that the extent to which Minho is openly adored by his industry juniors and seniors, as well as by his non-celebrity friends, speaks for itself. His friendship with TVXQ’s Changmin is especially cute (they even had a dating scandal together!).

He’s famously close with SNSD (so much so that Korean netizens nicknamed him “A male idol that people don't get suspicious when he's close to female idols”) and was even the first person to congratulate Taeyeon on the release of “I Call You” in 2020.

He is unfailingly gentle with children—one of only, like, two members who had any business taking care of a toddler on SHINee’s Hello Baby in 2010

He majored in film at Konkuk University and recently said that his “favorite Netflix show” is The Irishman. He also apparently liked Hirokazu Kore’eda’s Our Little Sister? With teasers for his solo album leaning in a moody, ‘90s neo-noir direction, many are speculating that a new cinephile Minho era may be upon us (and by “many” I mean “me”).

He knows how to laugh at himself

Never has been Minho been cuter than while walking through the London Underground on SHINee’s One Fine Day in 2013.

In conclusion,

[annabtg]

Hello, if you don’t mind for the director’s cut ask:

“D’you know that there’s a war going on?” he asked eventually.

Petunia’s brow furrowed. “What kind of war?”

“The real kind. With battles, and casualties, waged against people like your sister who have the misfortune to have no magical background other than what they were born with.”

His voice was even, colourless, despite the atrocities he was talking about. A chill ran down Petunia’s spine. “Why are you telling me this? Lily has never said anything about it.”

“So you didn’t know?”

“No.” She scooted further away from him, head suddenly dizzy, but eyes steady on him. “Why would I know? Why would I care?”

——The Chaperone

I feel as though Lily never told her parents about the truth (in fear of being pulled out from school) but it never occurred to me that she also kept it from Petunia. So when I read this part, I thought maybe she’ll have a change of heart but sadly Petunia is still bitter towards Lily (except for the ending of this fic l, that was nice on her behalf). I really liked the way that Sirius defends Lily, that warmed my heart.

Ask me for director's commentary here!

A wonderful choice! So much to say about this scene! This is a story that had me put a lot of thought into relationships and characterizations so it's wonderful to receive asks for it! ❤️ Thank you, Nena!

Under the cut for length.

From a story-telling viewpoint, there needed to be a "culmination" in Petunia and Sirius's conversation - something that would somehow convince Petunia not to be such a bitch and advocate for Lily to their father. I went back and forth re: touching the war issue or not, but eventually I figured that the fic had already some tension and wasn't the entirely funny romcom I'd initially visualized, so I decided it worked.

I believe that, if Lily didn't tell her parents about the war, she sure as hell didn't tell Petunia. There was nothing to be gained from this, their relationship is already not good enough as to justify seeking comfort in her, and frankly Lily here knows her status as a witch and how her family is detached from the magical society give her a sort of edge that she fully takes advantage of, sometimes even in dickish ways.

In this fic, I tried to lean more into an interpretation that wasn't full-on hate between the sisters - sibling relationships are such a goldmine of complicated feelings, and I think it's not canonically impossible that Petunia's feelings were a different sort of negative.

Petunia is the oldest daughter of a conservative family (see: her father's views on dating), and that often comes with very rigid worldviews - and young people are even less forgiving than older people like her parents may be. She naturally assumes the role of taking care of her little sister and keeping her in line, so when the little sister strays and gets a mind and life of her own, it's a shock to her system she can't quite shake. She has internalized being a good daughter and a proper lady as the highest standards she can achieve, and Lily not caring about that is offensive to her whole worldview. She doesn't hate Lily, but she sees in black and white: there's a correct and a wrong way to do life, and Lily is not doing the correct one. There may also be some deeply hidden jealousy, but Petunia will never get to the bottom of her feelings when it's so easy to just blame it all on Lily for being the wrong sort of person. So her not caring is not lack of love; it's resentment towards Lily, for not listening to her, making all the wrong choices and that, apparently, leading her down a dangerous path - but what can Petunia do other than say I told you so?

(And in case it's not painfully clear? I am the oldest daughter of a conservative family, so I definitely drew from experience to channel Petunia here.)

In the end, what happens is really Petunia deferring to her father and answering his own question. Her dad doesn't mind the magic; all he wants is a good, honest boy who will treat his daughter well and take care of her, and Petunia can tell that James is that sort of person.

Now, the fact that part of the reason she can say it is that Sirius convinced her, is a whole other conversation... 😏

[bunchacrunchcake]

I got off the internet, mostly, and it's been great. Here are some reasons.

Social media companies keep you on their sites by showing addictive content. They sometimes trigger fight or flight. They often trigger social anxiety. They are literally modeled after slot machines (low risk, variable reward) You will constantly crave dopamine, never get enough, feel awful, and never know why.

Staring at the ceiling or reading a book isn't hard anymore. It took about a month, but... if I can't figure out something to do for this very second, I just kind of look around until I figure something out. Sometimes it's boring, that's okay. Being bored just isn't the psychic torture it used to be. It's pretty mundane.

I do all my chores. I used to have to block time out to do this or that. Then force myself to stop what I was doing (which was often using multiple apps and websites as well as watching a movie or playing a game,) to go do something incredibly boring. I don't have to combat that level of inertia anymore. If I'm microwaving or cooking something, I just do a few dishes here or there, or do some sweeping for a couple minutes. It all adds up and my house is cleaner and more organized. What I used to do while my food was cooking was scroll through reels until I could break away to keep cooking.

I consume less, but retain more information. Let's be honest, you've gone by probably 100 posts today. What was the last one about? Okay, what about 10 posts ago? I can read half a book in a day if I want to (don't always want to,) because I can just sit down and read. I'm not constantly fighting the urge to go do something more interesting. And I can make up my mind about whether I like it or not, the plot, character development, etc. My attention span is long enough to read 100 pages in the afternoon, go make tea, and mush it all around in my head while the kettle is boiling. I also don't waste my time watching or reading things I don't like. I used to look at youtube and be like "I have to watch something, what am I going to watch?" Now I go, "Is there anything interesting in my feed?" The question is different, and I've learned that often there is not. I used to watch and watch and watch just to fill time. Now that I don't have to, so much less of it is actually interesting. Reels and TikTok are actually painfully boring. They're huge huge dopamine hits, but about 1 in 50 are actually interesting and even less of them really add much to my life. I used to binge watch them for hours.

I worry less about what other people think. Top comments are always someone arguing. Comment replies on reddit and almost every other platform are arguing. If they're not picking apart a thought you casually came up with on an evening off, they're actively throwing hate at you. You might get adoration too. But none of it is really constructive. It doesn't really help you develop your thoughts or grow as a person. Plus, not everyone is going to like what you do or who you are. Part of growth is not trying to avoid negativity, but understanding where it comes from and whether you think it's a legitimate thing to work on or not. Social media just hurls unconstructive negativity at you 24/7. The amount of times I think about whether someone else would like what I'm doing in the current moment is dialed down from a 10/10 to a 1 or 2. Yes it's okay that you were a jerk to the cashier because you were having a bad day. It's not a good thing. Please learn from it and try to figure out how to not do it in the future, but you're not irredeemable. The internet tends to throw the baby out with the bathwater as far as personalities and people go. It's hard to walk around in life trying to be morally perfect when everyone's opinion of what that is is so drastically different.

In short, I am patient, I don't second guess myself, and I'm happy. It didn't happen immediately and it might not to you, but it was my experience and I am not sure I will be a regular social media user any time soon.

[hexonthepeach]

hello, i hope you’re doing well and taking care of yourself!!! i’ve been following you for a while after i found your writing on ao3 and I’ve been meaning to send you something for so long but I’ve been having a hard time figuring out what to say but finally have plucked up the courage!! you are hands down one of my absolute favorite writers!! i was having just a really hard time personally and found dark & stormy on ao3 one day and was immediately drawn to the Jaehyun and Johnny tag and what kept me was your absolutely beautiful writing, your amazing world building, and wonderful consideration of all your characters that had me rooting for everyone and were just so spot on!! it was wonderful and since I found you, every update every new story makes me so so happy and I don’t know how to thank you because your writing has really gotten me through some hard times!!

you know that feeling you get when you find a fic that you love so much and then you find that it’s a writer who writes long fics and it’s just everything you want and that’s how I feel when I found you!! thank you so so much for sharing your writing!! you’ve made me laugh and cry and kick my feet and i appreciate you so much and all the hard work and research you put in!! thank you again and im gonna start sharing more of my comments on your fics soon!! 💗💗

hello and so lovely to meet you--i'm so glad you found the courage to message me because i opened this up and immediately burst into tears at how special it is. to hear you found and appreciated my work and were willing to share that with me is the best gift i could ask for.

i am so sorry to hear you went through rough times. i am grateful my writing was able to give you some comfort. not to overshare but perhaps to be too painfully honest i started writing fic again in late 2021 as a silly little project after reading a lot of good works during quarantine and struggling with unemployment and isolation. then, a few months later i had the worst experience of my life. without going into detail, the grief and loss i went through, and still go through regularly, make me feel sometimes like i'm living on surface of the moon.

i didn't write again for a long time, and when i did it was for myself. i made the decision to share it half a year later as sort of an attempt to connect with other people who might enjoy the same weird hyperfixative space i'd lost myself in and hopefully give them a little joy. it feels weird to write out all this confessionally about longform erotica based in the stage personas of foreign idols but i think it's important to note that i wouldn't be here if i hadn't been at my lowest and needed an avenue to connect with the world of the living.

so all that to say: thank you, from the bottom of my heart. i look forward to reading (and responding to!) your comments. every single one is more meaningful to me than i can relay in words.

[mistydeyes]

hiiii can i get a codmw2 pairing please? :)

Appearence:

I'm 5'2", pretty strong, and a bit chubby. I have like shoulder-armpit length hair that i usually curl the ends of. the ends of hair are actually reddish pink because i'm growing out my bleached hair and back to my natural dark dark dark brown. i'm asian and i have a cat face aesthetic (its a korean thing i think) and i love wearing make up, but really like neutral and natural makeup.

Personality & Likes and Dislikes:

i'm actually quite adventurous and love to do new things like paragliding, jet skiing, canoeing, and a bunch of other stuff. i'm pretty nonchalant and i love laughing and having fun with people, but if something upsets me, i won't hesitate to be assertive and confront the person. people have told me i'm painfully honest, but i don't really care because i like when people are honest with me even if it hurts. i hate when people are harsh on others for no reason and always think they're better than others. i love cooking, baking, and spending time out and about rather than staying at home, but i will stay home if i'm lazy :))

Future:

I just signed my papers for the us air force and i'm planning on shipping out next year because i'm working right now as a sterile processing tech to get some money for my family and to just chill out too. when i join, i'll go to tech school to be an aerospace medic and probably just continue with the medical path because i've been doing it since high school

What I look for in a Partner:

I want someone who can care for me and keep up with me and my spontaneous personality. I want someone who's outgoing but also able to watch over me and not be as reckless. like someone who would take me out to a karaoke bar and be my singing buddy but also give me a piggy back ride because my feet hurt from my heels yk? someone responsible but also fun

sorry if this was a little long :( tysm izzie!!

Kyle "Gaz" Garrick

How you met: Military Kyle had the experience of a lifetime as he was invited to the US Air Force Academy in Colorado to provide some insight on successfully parachuting out of planes. He excitedly demonstrated the techniques on the ground to the cadets and led the exercise through the air. Once he was done, one of the Staff Sergeants invited him to take a ride on the F-15E Strike Eagle and experience Mach 2.5+. Of course, Kyle said yes but as the plane rose in altitude and the pilot continued accelerating, he knew he was doomed as he lost consciousness. When Kyle woke up, still strapped in the plane but grounded, he immediately threw up on the person who was trying to unbuckle his harness. Unfortunately, you had the honor of being covered in vomit as you were trying to wake him up. His eyes grew like saucers when he saw your gorgeous face twist in disgust. "I am so sorry," he said as you tried to shake off the chunks from your uniform. "It's alright, Sergeant Garrick, let's get you to the medical wing," you politely said as the recruits and even their commanding officers laughed wildly at the sick British officer. As you slung an arm around his waist and helped him down, he continued to apologize. "Please call me Kyle, it's the least you can do after all this," he said and you hoped he would make it to the wing without throwing up again.

A peek into your relationship: After his fiasco, Kyle was invited back every year to embarrass himself and to tell the new hot shot recruits of the horrors that he experienced in the F-15E Strike Eagle. You were ecstatic whenever he texted you about his arrival as that meant you could spend the evenings with him, your boyfriend. "...then we strapped him onto the plane and he passed out upon take off," Kyle joked as you entered the karaoke bar. "I wouldn't laugh at him Garrick or should I remind you of the smell of vomit that you coated me with," you teased and the tips of his ears turned red. "I did make an impression on you," he sheepishly said as you made your way to the booth. You kissed his cheek as you went through the different song selections. Finally, you landed on the perfect one. "Sing with me," you said as you threw the microphone at him. He sipped his beer and joined you as the beginning notes of Don't Stop Believing by Journey began to play. "JUST A SMALL TOWN GIRL, LIVIN' IN A LONELY WORLD" he belted and you struggled with the next verse as you were laughing too hard. As the song continued, you both did your best to belt out the verses and also keep from dying of laughter. By the end of it, your voices were hoarse but you continued with all the hit classics as your boyfriend spun you around and shamelessly serenading you.

[crossdressingdeath]

Alaris Lavellan, 2, 7, 11, 12, 19, 36? If you don't mind double-askers?

Absolutely zero issues with double-askers, I like talking about my boys. Questions from this ask game, feel free to send more!

2. What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like? Alaris adored his mother (and frankly still does). A real mama's boy. The Templars murdering her was absolutely the catalyst for his pure, unflinching loathing for them, and the main reason he still desperately wants to take his place as Keeper one day is because he wants to be like her.

7. Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares? Fire and Templars for most of his life. After the Inquisition started up puppet strings also became a prominent feature. Lots of him being puppeted by unseen hands and forced to do terrible things to people he loves. Of course being a mage a lot of this is probably just demons and spirits being dicks to him, but that's fine.

11. In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been? Waking up under Haven in chains and in a lot of pain (yay, Anchor bullshit), surrounded by Chantry higher-ups and accused of killing the Divine and blowing up the Temple of Sacred Ashes, with no memory of anything after entering the Conclave with the intention of killing the Divine if she sided with the Templars. Being caught by the Chantry has been Alaris's worst fear since he was old enough to understand what they'd do to a Dalish mage (no good possibilities there!), and being accused of something he was fully prepared to do with no memory of what happened is absolutely... a lot. He was trapped, surrounded by the Chantry, with no clue what brought him to this point (and so had no idea what lie to tell to get out of it), and he's never going to be able to forget that.

12. In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been? ...Hm. Honestly "calm" is not a word I generally associate with Alaris, this boy is just always stressed. I think probably the night after defeating Corypheus, in that brief gap between dealing with the Breach and learning that the Inquisition has no intention of letting him go. He had a day, maybe two, where he got to just be with his partners and look ahead to a brighter future, and that was a very calming experience. ...The victory sex probably helped.

19. What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before? He's the fakest person alive. Alaris has this thing where he's all but incapable of being honest with people, especially people he cares about, and people eventually catch on to him lying to them just all the time. And turns out people don't like it when their loved one is literally never honest with them? Even if it's not malicious? Turns out a fundamental lack of trust in your partner/sibling/friend/whatever is detrimental to the relationship even if it's a result of All The Trauma? Who knew. It's never fully destroyed a relationship for him, but it has put a lot of tension on all his relationships. Fortunately he tends to go for very stubborn people regardless of what sort of relationship he's in with them, so usually it eventually stabilizes and he can make some fumbling steps towards honesty or they die before it becomes an issue. He's just gotta be gently bullied into Telling People How He Really Feels first.

36. How does your character behave around people they dislike? Oh, Alaris is painfully sweet to people he doesn't like. It gets downright saccharine. He's just the sweetest, nicest, most charming young man you can imagine. Also extremely tense, but that's hard to tell if you don't know to look for it. Fun fact, the inner circle takes a while to realize that this is Alarming Behaviour because it's the way he acts around them at first :).

[talkethtothehandeth]

hi, i hope it's okay for me to bring up something in your carrd to warn you about. it's a really bad idea to put the usa suicide hotline up as a resource because i and other mentally ill people have been hurt by it. anyone who reaches out for help will be very unpleasantly surprised by the operator actually sending the cops to your house despite not seemingly intending to in order to "make sure" you go to the hospital just for contemplating thoughts of self-harm alone. we have been traumatized by being kept at wards involuntarily, especially wrt the painfully unsafe and uncomfortable furniture, as well as abusive staff who punish(ed) us for being scared and wanting help... or, y'know, actual treatment. maybe this is just me and my bias as an anti-psych activist but i'm speaking from my own, as well as others', experiences (and i can only imagine how physically disabled people are treated with disrespect). also, i apologize but i don't have any good alternatives to replace the link with instead, so i hope you don't discard my criticism. i simply don't want this to happen to anyone else who might wish to reach out through your well-intentioned advice. please take this message in good faith and have a good night.

TW suicide/suicidal ideation

Howdy!

You’re absolutely not overstepping by sharing this and the negative experiences/feelings you have regarding the subject of using a hotline. Though my blog focuses more on physical disabilities, I am diagnosed with multiple mental disorders that aren’t my autism and adhd, including bipolar type two, anxiety— which might be OCD, and a different personality disorder which I don’t talk about much due to demonization and stigmatization of it, it also isn’t something I’ve fully accepted myself, but that’s another post. I hear you and recognize the harm that psychiatrists/institutions have inflicted on people. I also am aware that these resources, regardless of the negative aspects (which, let’s be honest, there are a lot) are some of the only options that people have.

My psychiatrist/therapist’s [I’m forgetting the exact word for the building] has a crisis line, and the second thing I was told when the number was given to me, the number that can be reached whenever, was that if they think I’m in immediate danger, they would send the police to my house. I’ve come very close to getting into a ward, but I’ve never been forced into one. I am incredibly thankful for that as I know I probably wouldn’t receive adequate pain care there, but just because I haven’t been forced into one doesn’t mean that others haven’t, as you said.

I’ve kept it there because it should be an option still, I’ve had to call multiple times before and I’ve had some good interactions and some not good interactions, I am scared that they will do the same, which is allowing cops into a situation they are not adequately trained for. However, through this, I know that this hotline has still helped people, and has the crisis text line. I don’t want to take it away, but I think I should try to figure out a way to like, explain the potential risks. Everyone is allowed to make the choice for themselves about whether they want to seek outside help in order to aid in their times of distress. I text the crisis line, but many a times, especially during the late nights, they do not answer. Some of them are not helpful, but others are and it’s at times enough to just talk about things. I tell people I have suicidal thoughts, but not a plan, because no matter how much my brain tries to convince me I want to be dead, I understand that this is part of my disorder. There have been times when I’ve tried to take my life, too.

I hear you, and do not devalue your criticism based on your personal experiences, or the experiences of others. It seems to be a “hit or miss” kind of thing when it comes to psychiatric care, and I feel it is similar to us who are also physically disabled. Even though I’ve had some very bad experiences and have been mistreated (to say the absolute least) I’ve still found physicians and nurses who do treat their patients with dignity and respect. And just because I’ve had a few good experiences, it doesn’t mean that suddenly my medical trauma is wiped away.

It is saddening to know how rare it is to have these good encounters, especially with someone whose job it is to help care for something as significant as mental illness. And I feel the same for doctors being horrible about physical disabilities. Additionally, and rewording what I mentioned just in the other paragraph, these options should still exist for people to have the choice of pursuing a hotline, a doctor, or any sort of health care treatment. They can decide if they want to try, just as others can decide that it isn’t for them, whether it be from personal or outside experiences.

My page is welcome to criticism, I keep my anon and messaging open that way those who want to say something can. The one and only time I dismiss “critics” is when people send in nasty messages (like suicide bait). You are not wrong or bad for defending/supporting your position, and I never will take away the validity of other’s experiences just because mine have been different.

TL;DR: I absolutely agree that the mental health field is not as it should be, I agree it can be just as rotten and misguided (those are understatements) or even worse than how doctors who treat physically disabled patients. However, I do believe that keeping these resources can also be beneficial to a person, who is ultimately making a decision whether or not to utilize what is available. I do not support the incorporation of police in mental health situations, and I firmly believe that improper psychiatric care, just as physical care, can be detrimental to people. I understand the negative impacts, and as you mentioned, you (generalized) don’t have a good alternative. Until I am able to find one, I keep this in my carrd.

[todayisafridaynight]

The topic of the dub is a complex one for me. Because while I do love the cast as well, it's also like, I genuinely think it's a problem with the industry that they can all be traced to like 1 or 2 other Smash Hit properties with few exceptions.

Like of course the Japanese actors are also household names, but I would be comparatively really hard-pressed to find that big of an overlap in casting. I totally understand it's exciting for people who enjoyed those properties to be able to say "Hey, that's X!" and I'm exactly the same way, but I just find it hard to believe that the same couple of US voice actors who've dubbed nearly everything for ages are always the best choice.

But way way more than that, it's the knowledge that the actors were essentially told to "direct" their own performances that has left me with kind of a bad taste in my mouth. I don't see the point of having an experienced cast of "actors everyone likes" and not harnessing their talents. It's pure insanity to me in comparison to how much care Yokoyama and the other directors put into each and every line.

Of course it's a huge credit to the actors that they understood The Assignment well enough that it turned out as good as it did, and I would still say it's the best dub in RGGS history (not that this is saying much), but at times it was painfully obvious that they didn't have enough to work off of.

So, you know, it was still pretty good, but I feel like that was in spite of how it was handled, and that I only used to say it was "great" to fit in with all my friends who were saying the same thing. I don't fault anyone who does think so at all, of course, but in my case I don't wanna do that anymore. (Though I'm sorry to be so overly critical in your inbox haha, it's no problem at all if you don't wanna talk about that)

Anyway! The Mole Song! My Blood and Bones in a Title I'll Never Remember! Great movies IMO and both fortunately very very easy to find. I hope you enjoy them, and thanks so much as always for taking the time to indulge my recommendations!

SPEAKING OF...... I SAW YOU READ SOLILOQUY AND CONFESSION............. I love how the exact same things stood out to us like yes, I've been wanting to draw That Exact Scene for ages too, How Did You Know. LITERALLY IMMACULATE RIGHT... Love the character interactions and themes discussed soooo so much.

But it's also really funny you mention it on that particular post because I had a dream we were discussing an AraSawa fic (that you may or may not have written in the dream?) the same day I recommended them. You know, now that you mention it, I've had a metric ton of Mine dreams, a few Jo and/or Arakawa dreams, even a few with Mine and one of The Joes, but as far as I can tell I've only ever talked about one dream with Daigo in it.

Apparently, in the dream, MineDai were confirmed a couple in the 10th anniversary book. Because they were participants in an experiment that was trying to gauge whether there was some kind of psychic link between partners, and while that whole thing turned out bogus, MineDai were the only gay couple and the only ones to stay together after the experiment was over. Like what in the SUBSTORY--

I don’t mind the criticism: everything warrants it and nothing can appeal to everyone, so it’s totally welcomed! Again, I’m purely biased, so it’s as you said my adoration can be influenced from someplace personal (which is a habit I try not to fall into: I’d like to appreciate the work for what’s presented, not from what I know or ‘nostalgia’ I suppose, you know). I know other people still have their grievances about the English dub, so I wouldn’t say you’re alone in that and I think you should make your honest feelings known! We criticise the media we enjoy because we know it can be better (or we’d like to see better), so again I totally have no issue with you sharing your thoughts (especially since voice acting is a special interest of mine, so I’m always happy to hear people’s word on it)! :]

BUT YEAH ONTO THE FICS THE TONE AND EVERYTHING WAS SO GREAT for sure to have special spots in my fic list (though tbh it’s a small list- but I guess it’s still an honor in that right, right lmao). And the rain scene is SO good I don’t blame you for wanting to draw it too- the fic in general was everything I was hoping, and that scene was just especially so good and something I’ve always wanted to see between Jo and Masato :’] With Arakawa’s perspective, I loved the drama theme- like it makes sense and is obvious, and I loved how the author executed the concept and ‘outline’ of Arakawa’s life.

I still stand that I have no idea how dreams work (the thought of writing a AraSawa fic, while surely temptig, I doubt I have the ability for), but that MineDai one does sound right goofy. Genuinely some kind of silly substory moment, dubious experiments and fake surveys and all ☠️☠️