#to freak out and to just convince myself that it’s anxiety but like. holy fuck it was so bad and idt it makes sense for anxiety related che

[capyclub]

this week has been so fucking awful I literally cannot catch a break

[touyubesposts]

Holy shit, The mind electric by Chonny Jash makes my Sander Sides hyperfixation hit DIFFERENT-

Especially if you look at the heart segment as Patton and Janus, The mind section as Logan and Virgil, and the soul segment as Roman and Remus.

To further my point, here are some actual lyrics from the song ((with notes by me)):

The Heart segment:

But as complacency settles, anxieties will rise

And part this Soul as Jekyll parted Hyde

Now I’m but half of a hollow man’s lies:

The love, the hate, the еmotional side

((LIKE BROO???? Janus and Patton talking about doing nothing will just make Virgil be anxious and talking about how Thomas has them seperated))

“I know I’m weak. I know that I’m vile

But sometimes that is needed to survive.”

That’s what I’ll say to rationalize

“I’m needed if we’re to stay alive.”

((Janus trying to convince himself he is needed))

And yet, here I lie with black, sunken eyes

My Mind’s consigned our sighs to a leaden void

The Soul remains tempered. I remain plied

Condemned ‘til we are both all but destroyed

((Patton sad that Logan and Virgil are convinced that emotion is not needed, convinced that this will do more bad than good.))

But I know that one plus one can’t equal two

If happiness is both our truths

Our total sum must equal one if we’re to find that golden hue

((Basically like ‘Hey, guys! We need to be apart of this whether you like it or not!’ Also trying to convince the others that happiness is the ultimate goal.))

See how The Mind tricks The Soul

Into being something sickly, dead and cold

As you feel it start to tire and fester so, so slowly

Up until the point where it will finally die

Just in time to see what could have been

((Talking about Virgil and Logan trying to convince Roman and Remus to be on their side?? Also talking about how this is a bad idea because they could pass opportunities. God, I need an animatic and I need it now-))

Do what you want, you automaton freak

No, I can no longer bring myself to care

This hollowed out vessel’s beginning to creak

So take control, let’s see how you fare

((Janus being sassy before the Parts change? Iconic.))

The mind segment:

Resident Heart is feeble and frail

A scourge to purge; due diligence is all

Silent, sad outbursts, inaudible wails

Dictate he never does as he’s told

((Logan and Virgil talking about Patton? Mad he’s doing his job and has emotion, talk about projection.)

Fathers of fathers, brothers of sons

Deterred from being what they know they can

All because Heart refuses to run

This creature hardly resembles a man

((Once again, these boys trash-talking Patton, but now also bringing the ‘sons’ into this (R&R)))

My logic is the absolute

His pity parties simply harm these chances at an apt repute:

Esteemed regard in place of mockery

((Logan talking about the others and how he needs to be listened to more))

I’m sure it seems from his point of view

That I’m a simple, cynical machine

But is it so hard to see the whole truth?

I merely seek a Soul that’s pristine

((Virgil talking about Janus and how he only wants the best for Thomas))

See how The Heart plays profound

(See how he lies.)

But the depth is insincere

A pathetic, thin veneer

All the pain, regret and fear still resound

((Just more L and V talking shit, but more specifically critiquing on how Patton and Janus both think they know best when they don’t))

Though I seem harsh in all my assessments

We each seek a life lived in the light

Yet, there lies our Heart, engulfed in resentment

Stubborn, pale akaryocyte

((Logan being like ‘yeah, I was a little harsh, but I’m not gonna fucking apologize because something needs to be done.’ Also equated ‘having emotions’ as having a ‘virus’ because that's what akaryocyte means))

The soul segment:

Call me The Soul or call me my name

Oh, label me whatever you would like

Call me your host or call me insane

If that will help you stay in line

((Basically an introduction, but also why I put Remus as the soul because he would be like ‘Yeah, I’m insane, sure, but it works, doesn’t it?’))

Fathers of fathers, I know that I’m vile

Let’s see how long it takes to murder me

Neither is wrong, yet neither is right

Condemn him to the infirmary

((Remus basically knowing his job is to be terrible and telling Patton “hey, I’m the exact opposite of you. And if you hate it so much, kill me.” While Roman is like “both sides have points, but I don’t know who to choose”))

I. Am. Me.

((You can’t tell me this isn’t all of them shouting this at the same time. They a frustrated bunch.))

See how the brain plays around

And it splits what once was whole down into three

And you fall inside a hole, inside a

Someone help me

Understand what’s going on behind my eyes

Doctor, I can’t tell if I’m not me

((The creativity twins both mad at Logan and Virgil for digging deeper into the psyche, trying to make sense of things.))

See how they fight all day

The other half won’t hear what’s had to say

It’s just the game they play here in this labyrinth maze

((Do I... Do I need to over-analyze this line? I feel like this one does the job for me))

Tridential regicide

I won’t hesitate to kill my Heart and Mind

I will abdicate these deviants sat inside

I’ll take you down in tandem when this rope is tied

((Basically both of them saying ‘this fighting is gonna kill me and, in turn, us.))

And this was a lot longer than I intended. And there are parts I didn’t even get to! Please listen! God, it's so good.

[un2-verse]

BILLY — Kim Taehyung (1)

》 News of a Sadistic Serial Killer nicknamed “Jigsaw” is spreading around town like wildfire… the nickname stemming from the puzzle piece he cuts from every victim’s body. No one knows who he’ll trap next but in a town full of delinquents and criminals, it could never be you. Right? 《

pairings: john kramer!taehyung x female reader

warnings: dark themes, angst, yandere, murder, torture, self harm, suicide, stalking etc.... (will add more when i know lol) although it is rather innocent in the first couple chapters(?) so idk it could be slow burn but i guess we’ll find out as i write it >< ,, it’s my version of saw if saw was a fucked up love story lol. Please don’t read if any of the topics mentioned trigger you!! 18+

this fic is exactly that, fiction!!!! the au does not represent the characters mentioned irl......

synopsis: you end up lost on the other side of town, where you cross paths with a handsome stranger, kim taehyung, only.... are you a stranger to him?

[a/n: daffodils represent; love me, sympathy, desire and affection returned...]

word count: 3k

series masterlist

part two

——————————————————————————

Hiding behind a mask was something you were accustomed to. Your friend group and family were clueless to the torment you endured from simply existing. You were confident your masking had convinced the world you were happy with yourself. Unbeknown to you, one other person saw straight through your façade.

You wanted to end your life.

He needed you to cherish your life.

Nothing looked familiar. The café you frequented was nowhere to be found. Your usual hangout was most definitely not on the side of town you found yourself in. You felt anxiety slowly curl its way around your body, you were frigid. You tried and tried but couldn’t find it in yourself to run.

You lived in the more friendly part of town (so to speak) – where houses were colourful, gardens pristine, warm-hearted neighbours who would treat you like family and white picket fences are what surrounded you. That was your norm, sure, you weren’t exactly loaded but you weren’t exactly poor either. It was a healthy balance in the middle. That’s not to say you hadn’t lived or seen this side of town before.

Your Mother and Father had grown up on this side of the fence. Two young people brought up in the rougher, more unfortunate areas. Your Mother was tough; she looked like a naïve, weak girl, albeit that was not the case. She was strong willed, used to life on the streets and doing anything she could to get money to make sure there was at least some food on the table. While your Mum was the leader, your Dad was more of a sheep. He was easily influenced and was dragged into the wrong crowd (had his fair share with drugs and street racing). That was their life for a few years till they crossed paths and your Mum helped your Dad get back on the right track.

They didn’t tell you much about their childhood and adolescence but they told you enough to make you appreciate what you have and to always work hard for it. To stick with the right people, be wise and conscious of your decisions. Be kind to those around you.

Your family owned a garage; your Dad was the head mechanic. This was the sole reason you were here. You knew it wouldn’t be simple when you agreed to go to this side of town to get a few bits for your Father’s shop. However, you didn’t expect it to be this difficult. How could you be so stupid? Why didn’t you just ask Hoseok and Yoongi to come with you like your father told you to? Or at least tell them where you were… yet you decided today of all days to be stubborn and venture on yourself, knowing full well how unsafe the area was. There were rundown businesses on either side of the road, beggars at every doorstep; drug dealings happening in broad daylight, no one even trying to hide it.

You felt your phone buzz in your pocket, you took it out and sighed a breath of relief once you’d read the texts.

14:37— From Papa: U ok munchkin ??? Did u get the stuff ?

14:39— From Papa: its ok if u didnt. Yoongs rang said hes got majority this morning lol so be safe n get home soon . Love u

14:40— To Papa: ohhh ok pops, i couldn’t find the shop anyway lol i’ll head back soon, love u too x

*LOW BATTERY*

“Fuck, trust me to forget to charge the bastard.” You rolled your eyes as you stuffed the phone back in your pocket.

Muffled shouting was heard around you. People ran across the street, bumping into you as they ran past. You gathered yourself and moved further down the path. “Great!” you exasperated, “honestly I’m so fucking stupid! Yoongi’s gonna kill me for this, I knew, I knew I should’ve told him I was coming over here but no,” your head was hung low as you dragged your feet across the pavement, “maybe I could tell Hobi, he wouldn’t be as angry right? I’m sure he’ll come,“ A sudden scream ripped you out of your chuntering. You whipped your head to the right, you could make out some figures bustling about in front of you, a group of men were quite clearly fighting… your anxiety struck you and you held your breath as you saw a man pull a knife from the waistband of his sweatpants. All thoughts and common sense seemed to leave all at once. Statue like, feet stuck to the ground. You watched on as the group rushed towards the brown haired man, you scanned his figure: tall, broad, confident… he exuded an intimidating aura even when you were this far away from him.

How could someone be so sure of themselves? It was one against five, surely the loner had no chance?

The glistening of the knife brought you back to your senses. Fucking hell. How do you always end up in these situations when you’re alone? Why me? Why? Good Lord, I need to run. Just as you were about to leave, the group who were arguing charged past you; one gripped his side as another supported his weight. Holy fuck, did he stab him? you stood frozen, yet again, your mind raced a mile a minute. Panic bubbled in your chest.

“You okay there Doll?” His voice was deep, velvet-like. It flowed so smoothly you doubted it was real, it was so soothing like it had wrapped itself around you, embracing your body. You heard his footsteps before he planted himself beside you. His shoulder reached the top of your head, his hand brushed yours. Swallowing your nerves you dared a glance up. He was fucking breath-taking, like a fallen angel. The stranger shot you a small smile that you would’ve easily missed had you not been staring at his features… a blush crept up your neck as you nodded. His smile slowly twisted into a smirk.

Cute, Taehyung thought to himself. Couldn’t help but adore the way you slightly trembled under his gaze, the way your hands gripped and twisted your sweater paws. Almost like a puppy. He cleared his throat and reached his hand to yours, “Sorry, I should’ve introduced myself. I’m Taehyung.” you took his hand into yours, apprehensively you greeted him, “I’m Y/N.”

“Ah, Y/N. I haven’t seen you round here before, you new or something?” Taehyung cocked his head to the side, his eyes seemed to stare right through you.

“Uhm, I don’t live here. I live over the other part of Town… I was just grabbing some stuff for my Dad but, my phones about to die. I have no idea where I am or how to get home, I’m sorry, I promise I didn’t see anything!” a deep chuckle cut you off, Taehyung smiled and beckoned you to follow him.

“Come on Y/N, you’re not suited for this side of Town, I’ll walk you back. A pretty little thing like you, you’re easy prey to these guys.” your feet fell into a cautious pace behind him, he glanced over his shoulder, “hurry up Buttercup, I don’t bite.” Taehyung flashed a boxy grin in your direction, which caused you to speed up ever so slightly.

You were unsure how you felt about letting a complete stranger walk you home, Yoongi would definitely kill you for this. Especially with the recent news of some serial killer named ‘Jigsaw’, Yoongi and Hoseok had been very stern and their usual, overprotective selves when the news had broken out. “It’s on every headline Y/Nie! No more leaving the house on yourself, you need to go anywhere you ring either of us. Got it? Don’t talk to anyone you don’t know either. There’s some dodgy fucks about recently.” Although, you loved them dearly, sometimes their protectiveness was a...little overbearing. You already felt suffocated from your parents (you didn’t need it from your best friends as well). They were happy and believed you to be too; but that was exhausting, faking happiness. You had a constant façade, acted like a happy normal teenager with a happy family; when that was far from the truth.

Drowning. That’s how you’d explain the way you felt. Breathing was difficult and brought you more pain than it was worth. Growing up was tedious, you had grown differently to your peers which only brought ridicule and embarrassment for you. You had struggled with your speech (sometimes you still do), you often stuttered, mispronounced words, the list was endless. That was one of the first reasons you were a castaway. As you grew, the ridicule worsened. Verbal abuse turned physical from your classmates. They made you feel like you were a waste of space. The names they called you, you soon started to believe them. Ugly. Weird. Freak. Stupid. They took root in your brain, slowly they grew and grew till your head was overgrown with twisted, rotten weeds.

Eventually, you sought comfort in blood. You didn’t care that it hurt you; you were almost happy to feel pain. Like you deserved to.

By age 14, you had started to skip school. Only ever there for exams and a couple of art classes you had with Jeongguk. He was what you would’ve called a best friend, he supported you and was by your side till you left school. He went away to college and like always with school friends, you drifted apart. Nevertheless, he still texts you now and then to check in.

Although you were (once) close with Jeongguk. He never knew of your inner demons, the same with Yoongi and Hoseok. You didn’t want to feel like a burden and worry your friends when they had shit to worry about themselves.

Why devastate flowers that flourish beautifully with weeds that manage to twist their way around every crack?

You had walked for a few minutes now, having chatted absentmindedly about anything and everything. The roads still didn’t look familiar to you and you just wished they did, you didn’t want to be away from your home any longer, your feet were starting to ache, your phone was on 10% battery and it was fucking cold. You just wanted to be back in bed tucked up watching Lady and the Tramp or 101 Dalmatians for the millionth time. You felt safe and content when you indulged in your comfort films. Far away from the real world and wrapped up in the false reality. They easily distracted you and that's when you truly felt at peace. Your mind was always too busy thinking about how cute it was when Tramp calls Lady, Pidge or how in love Pongo and Perdy were.

Majority of the time you fantasised about having a love similar, but then again, why would you wanna make yourself vulnerable like that? Is the risk of being hurt (more than you are now) any good? Of course it’s not. Fuck that, life isn’t nothing like those shitty romance films or novels… It’s real and painful.

As you and Taehyung rounded the corner, a little cafe caught your eye, a dainty blue and pink building. Fairy Lights strung up around the windows, you could see a handful of people inside, busy sipping their drinks and chatting away to one another. ‘Aroma Mocha’ hung above the doors. It looked so cute and simple. Your previous thoughts left your mind as quick as they had come. You wanted to go inside, it had an enticing atmosphere.

Taehyung hadn’t realised you’d stopped walking until he couldn’t hear the soft thud of your footsteps behind him, he turned as he called out to you, your eyes still fixed on the cafe. He chuckled to himself, “Fucking adorable, like a kid at christmas,” he walked back over to you. “Hey Doll, you wanna go in?” He felt his heart quicken when you looked at him with those pretty eyes, “We’ve plenty of time to get you back before it’s dark angel.” You answered him with a nod as you turned your head from Taehyung to look back at the alluring little cafe.

Not a second had passed before Taehyung grabbed your hand and pulled you across the road to the entrance; you ignored the warmth of his hand as it intertwined with yours; you ignored the way your tummy erupted with butterflies. Taehyung had stopped to hold the door for you, you murmured a small, “thank you,” looking up at him, the heat that crept up your cheeks making your face resemble that of a doll’s he thought to himself. Once he ushered you fully inside, he placed his hand to rest on the curve of your waist as he guided you to the back corner of the room, where a quaint table for two was unoccupied, a little pot of Daffodils sat atop. How fitting...

Taehyung was quick to pull the chair out for you to take a seat, you pulled it in as you sat down and sent a shy smile his way, “I’m sorry, I know we just met Taehyung but this place is so fucking precious! I hope I’m not bothering you, if I am we can just carry on walking or, I could ring a Taxi? Is this weird? Oh god, I can’t believe--”, Taehyung threw his head back as he laughed, a sound that seemed to wrap its way around your soul, twisting around your heart in the nicest of ways, it was almost like a killer to the weeds taking over your body. A temporary release. You felt like you could really breathe in those short seconds of his laughter.

“Angel, if you were bothering me, I’d have kept on walking. That, or I would’ve called you a Taxi myself, it’s no problem honestly.” You ducked your head as he sent a wink your way, fuck sake Y/N get it together! Why are you acting like a fucking schoolgirl?

“Well I uh, appreciate it so, yeah thank you?” You don’t know what to do, you’re here with the most gorgeous person you’ve ever laid your eyes on… yet you have no clue if what you saw was real, did Taehyung stab someone? Could someone have had the knife who wasn’t Taehyung? Was he even the person you saw in that altercation? Did you imagine everything that had gone off?

Before you had chance to overthink it, a light bubbly voice greeted your ears, “Hi! Welcome to Aroma Mocha, I’m Jimin and I’ll be your server today. Is there anything I can get you?” Jimin held his gaze on you as he flashed you a friendly smile, Taehyung turned around at the sound of his best friend, “Oh, Tae! I wasn’t expecting to see you today, what are you doing here? And who’s this pretty little lady?”

“This is Y/Nie, she was in the neighbourhood so we thought we’d nip in for something to drink before I take her back to hers.” you sent a warm smile to Jimin which he gladly returned, “I’ll have my usual and can you get Y/Nie a Strawberry Iced Tea? Thanks man.”

Once Jimin had disappeared to make your drinks, you shot your eyes to Taehyung, “Uhm, how’d you know I like Strawberry Iced Tea?” Taehyung didn’t even look in your direction as he scrolled through his phone, eyes glued to the screen. A minute passed by and he’d still not acknowledged your question so you let it slide, it wasn’t that big of a deal right? Your mind drifted. Your fingers rested atop of your lap, hidden from the sight of onlookers, picking around your nails as anxiety flooded your body. You felt like you were about to suffocate. You shouldn’t be talking to anyone, you shouldn’t let anyone close. You were only going to fuck everything up in a heartbeat. It’s only natural. Self deprecating thoughts devoured and made their way through your veins, poisoning yourself further; your whole body felt as though it was alight.

Jimin brought you your drinks, placed them carefully in front of the pair of you as you both said your thanks.

The click of Taehyung’s phone being locked and the clearing of his throat brought you back to your senses. “The drink I ordered for you is popular here so, I assumed you’d like to try it. You wanna talk about what’s bothering you?” your eyes shot up to meet his, your head tilted a little to the left as your tongue wet your lip, so puppy like...

You stared incredulously, “I don’t know what you’re talking about Taehyung.” You leant forward slightly as you wrapped your lips around the straw and took a sip.

Taehyung saw the way you sucked your drink up through your straw, his eyes darkened. Thankful to have worn sweatpants that day, he shifted himself discreetly, “I’m not stupid Angel, I know what you’re doing under the table. I’m here, so talk to me. I’ll listen to whatever you gotta say.”

You stuttered as you wracked your brain for something to say, “I-I only met you like forty minutes ago, I don’t even tell my friends what’s wrong. Not that there is, everything’s fine.”

You met me just short of an hour ago, he thought to himself, “You don’t have to lie to me Y/Nie…” he grabbed your hands that were laid near the cup of your Iced Tea. His thumb rubbing circles onto the back of your hand. You looked small and fragile, like the Daffodils on the table; one little pluck and you’d be ruined. He wouldn’t admit it to you just yet but, Taehyung fucking loved how delicate you seemed as you sat across from him.

How easy it would be to take your life away. How easy it’d be to pull those weeds up that are poisoning you, torturing you every single day. He shook his head, as he cleared those thoughts. No, only Y/N can make that decision. I’m just going to help her choose.

Live or Die.

You visibly winced, “You don’t know me. Think whatever the fuck you want about me, it doesn’t matter.” your eyes flashed hurt as you went back to picking your skin. You knew it, this whole encounter was too good to be true. A complete stranger (well acquaintance technically) had just presumed shit about you, the fact he was right is what hurt more. You didn’t want anyone to know how you were feeling. Or how you were dealing with it.

You couldn’t exactly tell him to piss off, you still needed his help home and so you tried to distract yourself from the unsettling gaze that watched your every move. You let out a breath as Taehyung went back to his phone. Your eyes drifted as you picked up the local Newspaper, your eyes skimmed over the headline, ‘Jigsaw Traps Continue’. Taehyung noticed you staring at the front page, and chuckled, “you scared of Jigsaw Angel?”

You shook your head, why would you be scared of some nutjob who’s targeted criminals and drug dealers? You’re a nobody. “Of some psychopathic puppet?” if anyone did anything to you that would threaten your life, it would be you. Taehyung just laughed in return as you skipped the article and skim-read the other pointless stories.

You were fucking clueless as to who he was while he knew every little thing about you. He had watched you for months… His precious little Y/Nie… Oh how silly you were, taking your life for granted.

You hated yourself that much, you were willingly marking yourself up. Tainting your skin… oh your skin, how fucking beautiful and soft it looked, even with all the scars it still looked perfect… Taehyung wanted nothing more than to whisk you away and lock you inside with him. Forever. He didn’t want anyone touching what was his.

He knew you wore a mask when in public, too afraid to show your real self. Little did you know, he wore a mask himself...only he wore it to better other people.

He had a plan.

And you’d soon find out.

Let the games begin.

[bwbatta]

six - confessions

Abstract: Draco and you are just friends so doing him a favour and pretending to be his girlfriend wouldn’t effect your friendship right?

Pairing: Draco Malfoy x reader

Warnings: Swearing, slight angst

Word count: 2960

A/N: I’ve been waiting for this one, turn it upp! ...I won’t lie, i’ve been putting off writing this purely because I don’t want to stop writing this. Anyway, the final part is finally here and I’m so happy to be sharing it with you all! 

Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist | Part 5

Draco signed his name quickly and looked back at the letter he’d written. It was simple enough to get his point across, yet the repercussions from sending this could be huge. 

The blonde heir was adamant though. If this is what it took, then he would gladly accept whatever consequences came his way. He could figure it out, he always did. 

Taking a breath in to help stabilise his thoughts and nerves, he quickly put his quill down before he wrote anything else that wasn’t needed. Reading it through once more, he made sure his words were enough for now. 

Father,

I apologise for not responding sooner to your previous letter, I was at a loss for a while as to what to write.

I understand our family values and as much as I uphold them for our family’s benefit, my relationship or any of my relationships are my choice. Whilst she is not pureblood, she is not muggleborn either and both of her parents have magic, which is why I ask you to at the very least consider giving Y/N a chance.

With respect, I will not determine my relationship on your opinions, especially since you haven’t met her.

You understand there aren’t many things I would go against you on, but this is something I feel particularly strongly about. 

Regards, 

Draco

Nodding his head, he quickly folded the letter and attached it to his family’s owl. With a screech, the bird took off. 

All Draco could do now was wait.

“Please?! You’re the best person at charms that I know, you would be my favourite person on earth?!”

“Blaise-”

“Y/N please, Flitwick might push for me to be kicked out of Hogwarts if I don’t pass this test”

You snorted unattractively as you walked down the corridor, arms riddled with books. On your way to the Herbology greenhouses for your afternoon lesson, you were blitzed by Blaise who had been trying to convince you for the last five minutes to help him write his essay which was due in a couple days time. 

Blaise and you had nearly made it into the greenhouses when Professor Sprout stopped him at the door.

“You’re not in my class today Mr Zabini, I suggest you get heading towards your own class before you’re late.”

The elder witch gave him a stern look to which he smiled at, trying to lower her strict exterior. 

“I just need to talk to Y/N about something really important really quickly, Professor. It’ll only take a minute?”

“No” she rolled her eyes at the boy, “you can do that in your own time.”

“But, Professor-”

“No buts Zabini-”

“Alright Blaise, I’ll do it” you finally caved, seeing as the boy would most likely be reduced to ash from Sprout’s harsh stare otherwise. 

“Astronomy tower, 8pm?”

“Wait-”

“Okay bye!”

Without another word he turned and rushed off back inside the castle, heading to whatever his next lesson was, leaving you partially annoyed, partially awkward at the look Sprout was now sending you.

“Inside” she cocked her head towards the doorway and with a defeated look you headed into the greenhouse. 

You hadn’t been back to the Astronomy tower, despite classes, since that fight between Draco and you and you weren’t too keen on returning. Blaise however, had given you no choice in the matter as you probably wouldn’t see him until that time you’d agreed to meet. This meant you’d have to suck up your anxieties about the tower and get over yourself. 

If only it were that easy.

Your free period was rather quiet today you reckoned but you couldn’t put your finger on why it was so quiet? 

The twins weren’t around and neither were Harry and Ron, yet that was normal since you were studying in the library with Hermione. Though Hermione didn’t really talk much when you two studied, something still felt off.

Not to mention the other thing which was bothering you was how Blaise acted earlier? He was normally the most relaxed person you knew, but his earlier rushed and fretted actions also seemed wrong.

You snorted at the thought in your head; imagine if he was trying to set you back up with Draco at the astronomy tower later?!

Another sigh left your lips as you continued to try and figure out what else felt off. Hermione’s eyes darted from the essay she was writing to you sat opposite her. 

“Is there something bothering you?”

You met her stare awkwardly and shrugged slightly. 

“I don’t know, does something feel off to you?”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s too quiet, you know? I can’t put my finger on what it is though.”

“Maybe it’s because that blonde tumour isn't attached to your side anymore?!” Hermione snorted as she turned back to her work, leaving you staring at her with an unreadable expression. 

Ignoring the remark of how the witch had described Draco, she was right in the way that he did used to surprise you while you were studying. 

Was that it? You were missing him being near you?

You hadn’t really spoken to the Malfoy, only small comments in class when you were next to each other but apart from that, he wasn’t constantly next to you anymore and that bothered you. 

You had to admit you did like fake dating Draco, but that was over, it was a joke, a favour, nothing more. So why the hell would you accept anything to go back to him annoying you, him being at your side constantly, or his arm around you 90% of the time?

Then you froze.

You knew exactly why.

Holy shit, you loved him. Like actually loved him. 

Slowly starting to freak yourself out, you sat back in your chair as your mind whirred around that fact. 

He’s Draco. 

He’s one of your best friends and now everything was so messed up because he’s Draco.

Stubborn, bratty, arrogant Draco.

Who likes Draco?!

And then it hits you again. You do, you really really do. 

Because he’s Draco.

Because he cares about you and would do anything for you. Just like you’d do anything for him. He might be stubborn, but so are you. He might be bratty and spoilt because of his parents, but he actively spoils you just because he can. And he might be arrogant to everyone else, but you know how humble he could be and acts around you. His reaction after you opened your Christmas present proved that enough. 

Holy shit. 

These feelings are going to ruin whatever’s between you, friendship or not, because how the hell could you keep this to yourself? How the hell could you not tell him you loved him?

The only thing was... you were the second person to ask yourself that today. 

Draco paced in the tower, a letter held tightly in his hand as he waited for you to show up. Guaranteed it wasn't 8pm yet, but he was still so anxious for when you did actually turn up. Were you going to turn up?

A lot of things had flown through his mind today, some putting him on edge as to whether his plan to get you back would work, yet nothing had made him as anxious as when the letter arrived from his father earlier that day.

It was slightly wrinkled now from how much he had fiddled with it in his hands and with a frown, Draco tucked it back into his pocket, forcing himself to take a long breath as he did so and run his hands nervously through his hair.

Not even a moment passed before he heard the door below slam shut and your footsteps approach. A brief flash of panic flew through his body like he’d been electrocuted, what if this was a bad idea? What if you didn’t want him like he wanted you and he would just look like a complete idiot?

All the thoughts in his head however vanished as soon as you reached the top step and your eyes locked on his. 

Neither of you said anything at first and the silence was almost deafening.

“Fucking Blaise,” you rolled your eyes at yourself. “Earlier I bet myself he’d do something like this.”

“It was actually my idea”

“...I see” 

“Surprised?” 

You snorted

“No.” You hid your grin at the look of offence present on his face, “I knew one of you would come up with something like this. I had my money on Blaise as he was the one I spoke to earlier. Despite how much you love being mysterious and complicated Draco, you’re like an open book to me.”

The wizard let out a snort, he had a feeling she would figure something was up. They really did know each other well.

The silence stilted in the air again and felt heavy despite the fresh air surrounding them. 

You looked down, avoiding the blue eyes that watched you. Despite being in love with him, you had no idea what to actually say to him. Luckily he took the lead.

“It was really stupid.”

You frowned, before you forced yourself to glance towards him, eyes catching on how he was looking at you.

“What was?”

“The fact we thought we could pretend and fake an entire relationship with no consequences.”

You didn’t say anything. 

“I mean let’s be honest,” Draco scoffed a laugh, “we really thought that everything would go back to how it was before? That was stupid. Also the fact that the whole ‘having a fake girlfriend’ thing wasn’t really working for me.”

He paused to assess your reaction for a moment before continuing on. 

“We were great as a fake couple, sure. We were also great at being friends, I mean... that was before I kissed you and fell in love with you.”

Your breath caught in your throat at the confession. A smile grew faintly on his face as he took in your reaction. After realising you weren’t going to bolt, he took a couple steps closer until he stood right before you, his toes almost touching your own. 

“This whole fake dating thing was so stupid in so many ways except for one; how it made me realise how much I genuinely want to be your boyfriend.”

Draco shrugged sightly like it was no big deal, but inside he had to remind his lungs to work.

Why hadn’t you said anything yet? Maybe because he can’t stop his mouth from talking? Should he stop talking? His mouth opened again before he could stop himself.

“I want you. I want us. But I want it for real, not some half-assed, pathetic excuse of relationship which is all just an act and makes us question where we stand with each other.” 

His voice lowered to a whisper but you heard him perfectly. 

“Draco... I want nothing more than to be with you.”

“You do?”

“Yes, but I can’t help the fact that I’m not a pureblood and your parents won’t accept me-”

“Wait, okay, hold on.”

Digging his hand into his pocket, he fished out the crumpled letter and attempted to flatten it out slightly. 

“I sent my father a letter in response the one you read the other day and I got this back earlier today. Just... just read it.”

He held the letter out at you with such a serious expression causing you to frown, you took it from him wondering what was in it. Opening the parchment, your eyes immediately flicked back to the blonde once more, only to find him watching your every movement.

“Draco,

I don’t believe you understand the seriousness of what you’re asking from your mother and I. You have a duty to this family to uphold and despite the notion that you wouldn’t disobey me with much, this is still a vital factor of those duties.

Nevertheless, you expressed your seriousness for this girl, coupled with your mother’s bickering about at least meeting her, I will give you one chance. We will meet her if she values the seriousness and significance of our values. If she does not however, then you will end whatever you have with her. 

You understand in the near future, things will change. You need to be as prepared as possible.

Regards,

Lucius Malfoy”

You read the letter once through, then twice, then once more. Your mind was in a flurry at the words, taking them in and the weight they held. Draco’s parents had agreed to give you a chance, however it came with a price and one you were in two minds about taking. 

On one hand, you could be with Draco and support him through whatever hell was coming your way, as long as you abided by their blood purity mania, which, if Harry was right, meant Voldemort. On the other hand, it meant not having the Malfoy boy in your life.

Your eyes finally left the words and flicked back up to meet Draco’s own. His expression was unreadable as he waited for your reaction.

“Well, that’s intense”

“You can’t really expect anything less from my father.”

“I gathered that.”

Your eyes landed on the elder Malfoy’s name once more and you bit your lip slightly. 

“I said once I would be willing to get mixed up in this for you, and I stand by it, Draco. I don’t know whatever's going to happen in the future but I know I want you by my side through it.”

“I can’t ask you to do that-“

“You’re not asking me, I’m telling you I want you and I’ll do whatever it takes to be at your side.”

“Y/N-”

“Draco, I love you, let me do this for you. I can play whoever your parents want me to be.”

Draco didn’t say anything more but stared at you with a half smile on his face. Your eyebrows knitted together as you caught sight of it, not really sure where the expression came from. Talking about faking your views on blood purity and Voldemort wasn’t really a cause for smiling.

“What?”

“Say it again?”

“Say what again?”

“You love me.”

You realised then. You’d told him you loved him in amidst all that but you hadn't even realised it. Well, that’s one way to admit it. 

“I love you,” you said with no hesitation as a smile grew on your own face. “I want you, for real. No fake relationship, just us.”

As quick as you’d finished speaking, Draco’s lips were on yours. It was chaotic, unscripted and messy, but it was real. 

Your hands slid to the back of his head, fingers burying themselves in his hair as his hands gripped your waist tightly, pressing you to him. He kissed you with such passion you swore your heart stopped for a split second.

How the hell had you both faked this for so long?!

Taking a break, he pulled away but rested his forehead on yours, not wanting too much distance. 

“If you’re all in Y/N, so am I. I’ll protect you with my life, you may’ve been my friend first, but you’re everything to me now.”

His lips pressed against yours again, much softer this time like he was trying to memorise and convince himself you were really there. That this was really happening.

“Draco Malfoy, I’m all in.”

You were surprised the next day for two reasons.

One; for how many people had actually bet on Draco’s and your relationship. George got his five galleons back from Fred again after the news reached them. He happily took the money from his brother before lifting his glass to you from across the hall in thanks. 

Both Crabbe and Goyle owed Blaise 10 galleons, though you supposed he had an unfair advantage, (not that you’d tell the duo). 

But the second thing which surprised you was the letter you received at lunch from the headmaster himself. 

Dumbledore had barely even looked in your direction, let alone spoken to you personally, so the note you got from him asking to meet him in his office later spiked your anxiety. 

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Hermione shrugged before lowering her voice to a whisper. “It’s probably something to do with the DA or Umbridge.”

“Hermione, I didn’t even think he knew I existed, now he’s asking me to come have a chat?”

“Just go, you’ll never know otherwise and you’ll keep fretting.”

The rest of your day passed quickly and you found yourself before the headmaster’s office later that evening. Taking another quick look at the note in your hand, scribbled at the bottom was a comment about him liking sherbet lemons which stuck out to you.

“Sherbet lemons?”

The gargoyle surprised you by jumping out the way, opening up the staircase to you. Without another thought, you climbed the stairs and knocked on the wooden door. 

“Come in.”

Pushing the door open, Dumbledore turned to face you as you entered the room. With a smile, he greeted you and offered you the seat opposite him as he took his own.

Sitting, your knee started to bounce while your anxiety kicked in wondering what the hell was going on. 

“Y/N- can I call you Y/N? Relax, you’re not in any trouble at all, don’t worry.”

“Can I ask then, why am I here sir?”

“Well, I actually have a job for you if you’re interested? I understand you’re in a unique position where you’re willing to do anything possible to be with the young Mr Malfoy.”

You immediately frowned, how the hell did he know that?!

“What kind of job?”

“A job to join the Order of the Phoenix. I want you to act as a spy for me within Voldemort’s ranks.”

[teenwolffanclub-me]

Season 1, Episode 11: Formality

Hey there beautiful reader! If you’re new here, this is a series I’m writing where each chapter is an episode from the first season of Teen Wolf. If you’ve been here before, hey! I missed you! Previous and future chapters are linked at the end of each part if you want to catch up.

Pairing: Stiles x Psychic! Reader (FINALLY!)

Warnings: angsty angst angst

Notes: Does anyone still like this series? The last part kinda flopped 🤨

Anyway, I’m back and super excited bc my babies are FINALLY official and they only had to almost die like three times to do it!

P.S. Lydia has terrible taste in men, Y/N still sucks at being a psychic, and the high school desperately needs more security

                                                  ————————

Have you ever had a day go so unbelievably sideways that you honestly can’t even comprehend how fucked up it is?

Yeah, welcome to my Friday.

“This is the worst! My life is literally over.”

I huffed in annoyance, my jaw dropping at the pure absurdity of that statement. “Scott, Peter tried kidnapping you this morning and you’re worried about a dance?”

He frowned from beside me, his shoulders sagging. Last night, Deaton tried making Stiles and I leave the clinic once he was all patched up, but we both refused. I still wasn’t completely convinced that he was alive until he woke up with a start this morning.

It didn’t take long for Peter to show up, demanding that we hand him over. Actually, I can’t really say we because the three of us hid in the back while Deaton somehow took care of it.

Derek was still hanging out in the Argent’s basement, probably being tortured by Kate but most likely dead by now. I tried talking to Allison when I got to school this morning, but she practically ran away from me when I brought it up. I had no idea how much she knew at this point, and it was freaking me out.

And, to top it all off, Scott was flunking so many classes that coach banned him from the dance tonight.

Clearly, that was the most pressing issue.

He was so desperate afterward that he asked Jackson to watch over Allison, since he is her date. He apparently refused because it’s Jackson, so Scott had been losing his mind with worry all day. He was convinced that Peter would be after her next, but I wasn’t so sure.

She wasn’t an obvious choice. I mean, her family is literally just a bunch of professional werewolf hunters. Adding her to his pack wouldn’t make much sense.

“I just—I can’t sit by and watch him try to kill everyone I love.” Scott forced a hand through his hair with a heavy sigh.

My steps faltered and I peered over at him, my eyebrows raised in surprise. “You love her?”

“Oh,” His eyes widened as he realized what he said. “Yeah. I do. Holy shit. I love her.”

I watched as his lips slowly pulled into a grin, relieved that he wasn’t freaking out for a moment. It’d been pretty obvious for awhile that they loved each other, and I was honestly shocked it had taken him this long to acknowledge it, but happy for him nonetheless.

“That’s it. I’m going tonight.” His face hardened with determination before he turned on his heel and walked away briskly.

“Okay. Bye to you too!” I chuckled, curious to see how he’d manage to sneak in.

I only made it a few steps before someone rammed into my side forcefully. A pair of hands gripped my arms to steady me as I nearly toppled over. My eyes narrowed as they landed on Stiles’ sheepish expression.

“Hey. Sorry.” He let me go quickly and scratched at the back of his head. “Where have you been?”

“Class..?” I drawled slowly, my eyes trailing over his twitchy frame slowly. He seemed more wired than normal, which was saying a lot. 

His chest was heaving as if he’d just run a mile—which I’d recently learned he was surprisingly incapable of—and his eyes were shining with barely contained anxiety.

“I just...uh—I have a, I’ve been trying to...will you go to formal with me?” He rushed the words out so quickly, it took me a second to process them.

I just stared at him, waiting a moment to see if he was going to follow that up with anything else. “You mean the one that’s tonight? Are you serious?”

His honey eyes widened, as if he wasn’t expecting that response. I mean, what else was I supposed to say? I’d been waiting for him to ask me for almost two weeks now, and he waits until the day of? Who does that?

“Uh,” He glanced away from me quickly, his cheeks turning pink under the fluorescent lights. “Not if you’re going to say no.”

I just rolled my eyes, ignoring the way my heart began fluttering at the thought of going with him. I took a step forward so that there were only a few inches separating us and leaned up to place a gentle kiss on his cheek.

“It’s a date.” I patted his chest before walking away, an amused smirk pulling at my lips at his stunned expression.

                                                      ————————

I let my fingers trail over the frilly materials hanging in front of me as I took in my options. I was failing miserably at finding something decent to wear tonight. I wasn’t used to dressing up or being overly girly, so I had no idea where to start. I’d really just been standing here for the last several minutes, overwhelmed by all the colors and textures.

Allison was standing to my left, inspecting a few dresses in a full length mirror. Lydia was long gone somewhere behind me with a mountain of cloth in her arms. I picked up a knee-length blue dress and decided it wouldn’t hurt to try it on.

I saw someone approaching Allison out of my corner of my eye and glanced her way fleetingly, but froze as my gaze locked with Peter’s. I looked around, not fully believing that he was here, before jerking my attention back to him. He gave me a slow, amused smirk before shifting his eyes toward her. My head whipped back to the dresses in front of me, my entire body going rigid as I tried not to alarm her.

Maybe Scott had been right this afternoon. But would he really try to turn her now? In the middle of the mall?

“That’s not your color.” I heard him murmur, and stole another look their way. I didn’t want Allison to catch on that I knew him, or that anything was wrong. Very, very wrong. 

Allison shifted her weight, looking uncomfortable as he stared at her intensely. “Sorry if that was intrusive but, considering your skin tone, I’d go lighter.”

“Because I’m pale?” She asked quietly, somehow not questioning the fashion advice from a strange man.

“Fair.” He corrected, his head tilting as he tried to look well-meaning. “I mean, you can’t call skin like yours pale. Not skin that perfect...”

“Okay.” She laughed awkwardly and put the dress she was considering back on the rack beside her.

“Trust me, I have a...unique perspective on the subject.” She nodded and turned to walk away with a tight smile, obviously weirded out, but he stepped to the side so she couldn’t get away. My skin crawled at the predatory gleam in his eyes as he practically sized her up.

She watched nervously as he grabbed a new dress from the rack behind him and took her hand in his. She reeled back instantly at the unwelcome touch, but that didn’t stop him from bringing her skin up beside the material for comparison. “See? Much better.”

I’d heard enough. I took the few steps needed to close the distance between us, my heart racing in my chest. I wasn’t convinced that he was stupid enough to try anything wolfy in public, but I wasn’t about to take any chances, either. I stopped at her side and grabbed her wrist gently. Her wide eyes jerked toward me, swimming with relief. 

“Hey, Lydia needs help in the dressing room.” I rushed the lie out quickly, barely registering that she nodded in understanding before pulling her away.

I didn’t even spare another glance at Peter as I weaved through the narrow isles briskly, not stopping until I found Lydia clear on the other end of the store. She actually was by the dressing rooms, posing to herself in a full length mirror. I staggered to a halt at the sight of the champagne dress she had on. It was somehow...familiar?

“That was so creepy.” Allison muttered quietly as she shook my hand off and plopped down onto one of the plush chairs beside the mirrors.

I walked right up to Lydia, unable to stop myself as I continued inspecting her dress. She watched me for a moment and raised her eyebrows expectantly when my gaze rose to meet hers. My face pinched in confusion. There was a persistent nagging at the back of my mind as I looked at her, like there was something I should be picking up on. But I just couldn’t place it.

“I think that’s the one.” I jumped as Allison suddenly spoke up from behind us. I cleared my throat and took a step away from Lydia, realizing how weird I was being.

She turned away from me with one last questioning glance before giving herself a satisfied smile in the mirror, her hands smoothing down the silky material before resting on her hips.

“Me too.” She spun around excitedly and disappeared behind one of the dressing room curtains.

I couldn’t explain it, but I suddenly felt my stomach twist as a dark cloud of dread washed over me.

                                                    ————————

I looked over Stiles’ shoulder, the hardwood floors beneath my feet vibrating as loud music rang throughout the space. We were slow dancing for the second time tonight, my arms locked around his neck and my head resting against his chest. It was really nice, being this close to him. It helped lower the base level of anxiety I’d been fighting all day.

It’d been nearly an hour since I last saw any of our friends. We all met up with our respective dates at the start of the dance, Lydia having brought a random lacrosse player since Jackson was with Allison. Just then, my eyes found them dancing stiffly a few couples away, but the sight did little to calm my nerves. 

He was completely wasted at this point, since he thought it was a good idea to bring a flask of vodka with him, and she was just trying to make the best of it until we all went home. It was clear that neither of them wanted to be here together, but Scott had pretty much threatened him into watching over her, and she didn’t want to be without a date.

Scott successfully snuck in through the roof—don’t ask me how—and was managing to keep an eye on them while dodging coach all night. My eyes swept over the room, seeing nothing but familiar faces, just not the one I was looking for. 

Stiles suddenly pulled back and my arms loosened from around his neck. His eyes rounded as they flickered around my face with concern. “You okay?” 

I glanced over his shoulder again, feeling uncomfortable under his intense gaze. I didn’t want to lie to him, but I also didn’t know how to explain the uneasy feeling I’d had since we got here. My dancing faltered as I noticed that Jackson and Allison were gone.

“Have you seen Lydia recently?” I asked absently, my eyes still sweeping around the gym quickly.

I took a step away from Stiles and turned all the way around, my chest tightening with anxiety. For some reason, I felt like I needed to find her. Right now. Or something terrible was going to happen. My anxiety was quickly rising to panic when I didn’t see her anywhere. 

“Y/N?” Stiles put a hand on my shoulder and I glanced back to see him watching me closely, his brows pinched in confusion.

“I have to...” My skin was crawling with the intense need to get out of here. Something was wrong. I could just feel it. I leaned forward to place a quick kiss on his cheek, already feeling guilty for what I was about to do. “I’m sorry. I’ll be right back.”

I started jogging away before he could try and stop me. My legs had a mind of their own as I stumbled through the dense crowd toward the exit. I braced my hands against the gym doors and pushed my way through, stopping for a moment as they fluttered closed behind me to consider where she could be. I huffed, feeling an urgency deep inside me that was only growing with each passing moment. 

I turned on my heel to keep moving, and slammed right into a hard chest. I reeled back, ready to brush past whoever it was, but stopped when I saw that it was Jackson. His chest was heaving, as if he’d been running, and his eyes were wide with fear. 

“Jackson?” I asked tentatively, the look he was giving me only increasing my unease.

He stammered silently for a few seconds, his mouth opening and closing repeatedly. His eyes fluttered as they glanced away from me apprehensively. He was acting like he’d just seen a ghost, or maybe something worse. 

“What is it? What’s wrong?” I pressed, taking a step toward him. 

He gulped and let out a shuddering sigh. “I-I was out behind the school and...and I was...”

“What? What did you do?” My voice hardened with frustration as I narrowed my eyes at him suspiciously. He had definitely been up to something, if his guilt-ridden expression was any indication. I momentarily forgot what I was supposed to be doing as my curiosity peaked. 

“I-I told...Allison’s dad, he was...”

My heart skipped a beat with panic at his words. Mr. Argent was behind the school? Why would he...

Oh shit. 

Oh my God. 

Without even sparing him another glance, I rushed past him and straight down the hall. Within seconds I was outside, the freezing night air causing my skin to rise with goosebumps instantly. My head whipped from side to side as I tried to figure out which way to go. On instinct, I starting running toward the lacrosse field. 

My heart was hammering painfully in my chest as I sprinted as fast as humanly possible. I was suddenly very glad that I’d chosen to wear ballet flats tonight, instead of the heels Lydia had tried forcing me to buy. I let my intuition guide me as I kept going until I reached the edge of the field. 

I staggered to a stop, my eyes widening at the sight of Lydia standing at the other end. Her back was to me as she walked around slowly, looking lost. I opened my mouth to call her name, feeling my chest loosen just slightly at the fact that she was okay. 

I froze, my whole body growing rigid with fear as Peter suddenly emerged from the tree line just outside the field. His figure was mostly cloaked by the bright stadium lights as he approached her, and it didn’t seem like she’d seen him yet. 

“Lydia!” I screamed, finally finding my voice through the panic coursing through me. I started running in her direction again, having no plan but just needing to be there with her. 

She whipped around at the sound of her name, but made no move to get away. There was nothing I could do but watch in horror as Peter stalked toward her and opened his mouth wide, his eyes flashing bright red. She didn’t react nearly fast enough. 

By the time I reached them, she was laying in a crumpled heap on the turf, blood splattered across her dress. All the air rushed from my lungs as a heavy sense of déjà vu washed over me. 

Of course, how could I be so stupid? It was the vision I’d seen when Derek helped me, finally playing out in real life. 

I let out a trembling breath, my chest feeling like it would collapse any second from the intense pressure. My mind went blank as Peter kneeled over her body, blood dripping down his face. His eyes, still red, slowly swept up to meet mine. 

“Well, they don’t usually run toward me, but I’ll take it.” He muttered lowly, an amused smirk twitching at his lips.

My eyes were still locked onto Lydia’s unconscious frame beneath him. Her new dress was ripped, the red stain at her hip growing alarmingly fast. My heart clenched painfully and tumbled down into my stomach at the sight. 

I was too late.

Peter took his time standing to his full height. I could feel his intense gaze on me, watching me closely, but I couldn’t look away from Lydia. She was so...broken. A wave of nausea washed over me and I forced my eyes to meet his.

My vision blurred as I tried desperately to catch my breath. “Is she dead?”

My voice was barely above a hoarse whisper, my entire body trembling. It was from the overwhelming terror being this close to Peter initiated, but I wasn’t just scared. I was angry. I knew something was going to happen all day, and I ignored my instincts. I saw this very thing happen weeks ago, but did nothing. And now, Lydia might be dead. Because of me. 

Peter hummed low in his throat, his eyes scanning me from head to toe before glancing down at her fleetingly. “Not at the moment.”

A few tears escaped down my cheeks as I tore my gaze away from him to look at her again. I wasn’t even sure if she was breathing. If she was still alive, it was just barely.

My panic only rose as I thought about how unlikely it was that I’d get out of this situation in time to bring her to a hospital. Her chances of survival were dropping by the second. And mine too, probably. 

“Tell me, Y/N, what do you see in my future?” Peter look a slow step toward me, and I stumbled back to keep some distance between us. 

My eyes jerked up to his as I stiffened, a shiver wracking my body as I became more aware of the freezing temperature. “How do you know about that?”

The earth crunched beneath his shoes as he stalked toward me. I stood impossibly still, knowing I wouldn’t be able to escape him. He didn’t stop until he loomed only inches away.

“How does anyone know anything?” He murmured hoarsely into my ear, and I recoiled back, my stomach clenching painfully in disgust. My eyes pinched shut as one of his hands came up to brush a stray lock of hair away from my face. “You, my dear, would make a fantastic beta.”

My eyes jerked open again and I took a miniscule step away from him, my hands clenching into fists at my sides. “Trust me, I wouldn’t. I’ve been told I can be really annoying. I wouldn’t make a good beta. Or a good anything, really. I’m hardly a psychic. You should just keep searching because, you know, whatever it is you’re looking for...isn’t me.”

“Oh, I think I’m willing to take my chances.” Time seemed to slow as his eyes flashed bright red, his mouth opening wide to show his razor sharp canines. 

I whipped around, ready to at least attempt running for my life, but instantly froze at the sight of Stiles barreling toward us. 

“No!” I shouted frantically, my heart leaping into my throat with panic.

A strong arm wrapped around my stomach and wrenched me backward. I slammed against Peter’s chest, hard. The air was knocked out of my lungs from the force, just as a clawed hand snaked around my throat.

Stiles lurched to a stop in front of us, his dress shoes slipping on the damp turf. He flailed to the ground before popping back up instantly, his eyes wide with horror as they glanced down at Lydia before landing on me.

“Don’t kill her. Please.” His voice was trembling with desperation as he held a hand out toward us hesitantly.

The tips of Peter’s claws dug into my skin and I winced, tears now running freely down my face. I was terrified. For myself, Lydia, and now Stiles. Peter had killed many times before, and there was literally nothing stopping him now. Stiles’ eyes flickered to my neck, his jaw clenching tightly. 

“Of course not. Just tell me how to find Derek.” Peter drawled, as if he wasn’t currently poised to do the opposite. 

“W-what?” Stiles stammered, seemingly surprised by that request. His gaze was still firmly planted on Peter’s hand.

I felt a sharp stabbing at the base of my throat and my lips parted as a shuddering gasp escaped me. He was surely drawing blood at this point. Stiles’ eyes widened with alarm at the sight and his hand jerked toward us as if he were itching to intervene. 

“Tell me how to find Derek Hale.” Peter leaned down, his warm breath fanning my shoulder. I tried jerking my head away, my heart lurching in my chest at his close proximity, but didn’t get far with his tight hold around me. 

“I don’t know that! How would I know that?” Stiles’ voice rose to a frantic shout, his chest heaving as his glistening eyes finally moved up to Peter. 

“You’re the clever one, aren’t you? And because deception has a very particularly accurate scent, Stiles. Tell me the truth. Or I will rip her apart.”

As if to prove the validity behind his words, his hand tightened around my throat. I instantly started pulling at his fingers as I felt my airway closing. My lips parted in a silent gasp, my lungs spasming painfully as I tried to force a breath in. 

“Look. I don’t know! Okay?” Stiles rushed the words out in a complete panic, his eyes darting between Peter and my neck. Tiny black spots dotted my vision as I felt myself growing faint. “I swear—I swear to God I have no idea!”

Peter hummed low in his throat, his chest vibrating against my back. “Wrong again.” 

Everything that happened next must’ve taken place in only a few seconds, but they seemed to drag on and on. Peter’s head jerked down to my left shoulder, his teeth digging into my skin easily. A scream tore through my throat as he finally released it, my vision blurring as unbearable pain rippled along my upper body. 

Stiles face crumbled in utter horror and he lunged toward me just as Peter’s arms disappeared. I tried gasping for breath as I sagged to the ground, but my body just wasn’t cooperating. It felt like Stiles caught me, but I couldn’t be sure as I lost all feeling in my limbs.

Then, everything went black. 

                                                    ————————

I stirred, already wincing in pain as I slowly regained consciousness. A high pitched droning was the only sound in my otherwise quiet surroundings. My eyes fluttered open and instantly squinted against the harsh fluorescent lights above me.

Everything felt heavy. I sluggishly started turning my head away from the lights, but jerked to a stop as searing pain radiated from my shoulder. My face fell into a grimace as a pitiful groan escaped my lips.

Something shuffled at the foot of my bed and I froze. My heart jumped in my chest with panic. Memories of Peter came flooding back all at once, and I started trembling with fear at the unknown presence.

Stiles jerked upright, appearing at my side a split second later. I let out a small sigh of relief, wincing as my lungs angrily protested each breath I took. My body began relaxing as I realized I was safe. 

“Oh my God! Y/N!” He practically yelled in my face as he leaned down over me. “Are you okay? Wait, that’s a stupid question. How are you feeling? Does it hurt?” 

One of his hands disappeared beneath the thin mesh blanket covering my body and he pulled out a hallow cord with a small switch in the middle. “If it hurts you can push this button as much as you want and I won’t tell. You’ll be higher than a kite, but—”

“Stiles.” My voice was barely above a hoarse whisper as I interrupted his frantic rambling. “I feel okay. Just tired.”

Truthfully, I hadn’t been awake long enough to know how I felt. I’d gathered that I was in the hospital, but obviously didn’t know much else. My entire left side hurt like hell.

My eyes trailed over Stiles quickly, noting that he was still wearing his clothes from the dance. His white button up was stained with blood and dirt, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His black jacket had been discarded on a table by the door.

Maybe it hadn’t been long, then?

“Seriously?” He sagged down into the chair that sat beside my bed, his eyes widening in surprise. “You were asleep for almost thirty hours.”

“I was what?” I planted my hands on either side of my hips and pushed myself up, ignoring the pain that ripped through my shoulder at the movement. 

How the hell had I been out that long? That meant it was already Sunday, although probably somewhere around midnight. Too many panicked thoughts invaded my mind at once to make sense out of any one of them. 

Stiles bolted back to his feet and pushed me against the bed with a disapproving glare. “It was actually twenty eight hours, forty seven minutes, and sixteen seconds, if that makes you feel better.”

“You know what, somehow it does.” I huffed sarcastically with a roll of my eyes, wiggling around on the hard mattress in an effort to get comfortable again. 

Stiles twitched his eyes at me while he sat back down apprehensively, as if not trusting me to stay put. He brought a hand up to rub at the back of his neck as he glanced down to my injured shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Y/N...”

“For what?” My brows furrowed in confusion. I really had no idea why he would be apologizing. There was definitely a list of people that should feel bad right now, but he wasn’t one of them. 

“I should’ve listened. If I’d just told him what he wanted...” He let out a heavy sigh and rested his elbows onto his knees before dropping his head into his hands. 

I reached out and took one of his hands in mine, rubbing my fingers across his skin soothingly as he looked up at me cautiously. He had no reason to blame himself. Peter had already proven time and time again that he’s literally insane, and I’d made the stupid decision to run toward him mid-attack. I had a feeling he would’ve bitten me either way, regardless of anything Stiles did. 

“It’s not your fault.” His lips pressed into a thin line, his eyes glistening with a slew of intense emotions. 

I didn’t even have time to start deciphering them before he sat forward in his chair, his face hardening with determination. “I should’ve brought this up before I had to watch you almost die, but...you’re not—you know, how you are with me...with any other guys, right?”

His voice was timid as he struggled to stutter out the words. My heart swelled in my chest as my lips pulled up into a small smile. That was the most adorable, perfect, Stiles way of phrasing that question. For a moment, I forgot about all my worries.

“Stilinski, are you asking me to be your girlfriend?” 

His eyes twitched as he squeezed his fingers around mine minutely. “Only if you’re gonna say yes.”

I didn’t even have to think about it for a second. 

“Of course I’m saying yes, you dork.” I let out a breathy giggle as a big grin took over his face. 

His caramel eyes shined with happiness as he brought my hand against his mouth to place a gentle kiss on my fingers. It was about damn time we had that conversation. I honestly shouldn’t be surprised that it took us this long to make things official, considering how stubborn we both are. Regardless, it felt amazing to finally be able to call him my boyfriend. 

My boyfriend, Stiles. It had a nice ring to it. 

I only let myself relish the moment for a few more seconds before finally asking about the one thing I’d been dreading thinking about since waking up.

“How’s Lydia? Is she...?” I trailed off, not able to say the word out loud. 

When I’d seen her last, she was only moments away from death. I was sure of it. If I’d been here this long from a bite to the shoulder, I couldn’t imagine the damage that had been done to her. My heart clenched with regret as I thought back to all the moments I could’ve done something differently that would’ve saved her. 

Stiles winced beside me, hesitating for a long moment before answering in a quiet mumble. “She’s uh...missing.”

“Excuse me?” I instantly tried bolting upright at his words, my anxiety skyrocketing. Missing? How could she be missing?

He guided me back down gently with a hand on my uninjured shoulder, his eyes narrowing again in warning. “Yeah. She just kinda disappeared from her room this morning.”

It was like he could sense that I was about to try getting up again, as he peered down at me sternly and pressed his hand down more firmly. “My dad already has the entire department out searching. There’s nothing you can do.”

My mind was racing with anxious, jumbled thoughts. She could’ve been taken if no one was sitting by her bedside like Stiles had clearly done for me. Or, she could’ve run away. But why would she do that? She was in the hospital. Where she was safe and getting treatment. I guess, there was always a chance that she’d taken to the bite and shifted already...

I didn’t know what any of this meant for me. I could only assume at this point that I wasn’t a werewolf. I mean, my shoulder clearly hadn’t miraculously healed yet. I figured, if I were, it would’ve done so by now. I was just incredibly glad—and lucky—to be alive. 

My eyes met Stiles’ as he leaned back in his chair and inspected me closely. He kept glancing toward the place where Peter had bitten me as he drummed his fingers against his lips. It was like he couldn’t tear his gaze away. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” I breathed, suddenly nervous. His anxious expression couldn’t mean anything good.  

“There’s something I keep—something Derek said awhile ago that I can’t get out of my head.” He mumbled, his eyebrows furrowing in apprehension. 

I looked at him expectantly, urging him to continue. He was seriously starting to freak me out.

“The bite—he said it either kills you...and I think we’re good on that one...”

I glowered at his poorly timed sarcasm as his eyes continued flickering between my own and my shoulder. He swallowed thickly, and I could practically see his heart racing as he let out a ragged sigh. He finally caught my gaze, twitching uncomfortably in his seat. 

“Or it changes you.”

Well, shit.

Episode 10                 Episode 12

[deviantofthemind]

Sanders Sides Ficmas 2020

↪ 𝔉𝔦𝔠𝔪𝔞𝔰 𝔐𝔞𝔰𝔱𝔢𝔯𝔭𝔬𝔰𝔱 🎁

Dec 4: Holiday Movies - Anxceit  Rating: E

Virgil is cosied up for christmas break with his boyfriend in his parents otherwise empty house. They plan on nothing but eating an ungodly amount of food, relaxing and watching mushy Christmas movies. They don’t actually watch anything.

Finals week had been freaking hell on earth. Had anyone told him just how much it was, he may have reconsidered college. Virgil had been so stressed that the muscles in his jaw were sore because he had clenched his teeth so much. And now his calves and thighs were equally as destroyed because he had tried to run the stress out of his body, literally.

He panted hard, bent over, hands on his knees. The cold air burned in his throat and lungs and the sweat on his body made him shiver in the fresh winter wind. 

With his icy hands he had a hard time unlocking the front, fingers fumbling and numb. When he finally made it inside he was immediately surrounded by a cosy warmth. The smell of lasagna his mom had made this morning, before his parents left for their vacation, was still strong in the air. 

He generally was in a pretty good mood, the holidays were here, his boyfriend would be here in a few hours, he just had to get rid of the residue of lingering anxiety and, it seemed, he’d been successful with his run. He would take sore muscles and post-sports-starve any time. That was one reason, if not the only one, while he played lacrosse and he thought it was one of the reasons while Janus was into soccer.

Between the two of them they could eat a very impressive amount of food. Virgil would forever cherish the memory of Janus being invited over for the first time to have dinner with Virgil's parents. His mom, very smugly, saying, “I’m so happy to see you enjoy my cooking!”, after Virgil had them both dealt a third helping. It was probably the only time he’d ever seen his boyfriend blush. 

He stuffed a left-over piece of pizza into his mouth at once, checking over the content of the fridge while at it and found it to be satisfactory stacked. Sitting down on the kitchen island he willed himself to chew slowly and checked his phone for an update from Jan. Nothing yet, but Virgil knew he was on his way. 

The shower was good, Virgil lingered much longer than he usually would. He only got out when his stomach rumbled to signal for more food than just a tiny piece of pizza. Also, he didn’t want to miss the doorbell. He hadn’t seen Janus for almost three weeks after all and was a bit giddy with it.

He had a snack of another piece of pizza while he waited for his oatmeal to cook and just appreciated the quiet and newly loose muscles. He took the bowl into the living room, eating on the floor while he lit the fire so he could warm his cold feet in front of the fireplace and also because it was romantic. Jan liked romantic. Virgil might do so too, not that he would admit to that outright. On second thought, he probably had already when they talked about what they wanted to do for their break and Virgil had said he wanted to be alone and watch christmas movies. 

Just when he had shoved the last spoon into his mouth he could hear a car pull up into the driveway. It was a little embarrassing how quick he was up and unloaded his clattering bowl into the sink before he opened the front door.

Janus was just slinging his duffel bag over his shoulder, smiling brightly as he walked over the short way to Virgil. He swooped him into a very nice kiss hello. Soft lips and gentle pressure. “Hi Virgil..” 

Suave fucker. "Good to see you, asshole." Virgil grinned despite himself, pulling Janus inside the house to kiss him again, a lot more sloppy. 

“You’ve missed me, huh?” Virgil had to nip that annoyingly handsome smirk off his face because turning around gesturing up the stairs.

“Wanna get rid of your bag first?”

“Would love to.” Jan still grinned that smug smile and before he could himself blush even deeper, Virgil led up the way to his room.

When Virgil had decorated that room at the ripe old age of fifteen he wouldn’t have thought that one day he might he coming home from college and maybe have sex with his boyfriend for the first time. In all fairness, he still had been fairly convinced that it would be a girlfriend back then.

He heard Jan snort on his laugh when he stepped inside the room after Virgil, letting his duffel fall to the floor by the door. The sound was nice. Deep, rich. It was more than nice actually. And it was what had endeared him to Janus in the first place. Now it made him a little nervous, not just because his incredibly cringey, teenage angst nightmare of a bedroom was on display.

Janus walked around the room, still laughing softly, downright giggling at one or the other ancient poster.

He turned back around to Virgil fiddling silently with the cuffs of his hoodie. “This is very you. Would have definitely been able to pick out this as yours under a thousand.”

“Is- uhm, is that good?”he asked, and it came out soundly a lot more insecure than he intended, making him wince a little.

Janus stepped back into his comfort zone, sighing softly, before kissing him again. Not as charged as before just...incredibly mushy and sweet. “Perfect.”

They spend the afternoon making some mulled wine, accidentally cooking all the alcohol out of it, too busy snogging on the kitchen island. And talking, mostly gossiping and venting. And it was good, it was exactly what Virgil had hoped when he offered spending the holidays together. Just, spending time, being comfortable, shaking off the stress and anxiety of the last weeks. 

They warmed the lasagna and got cosy in the living room later that evening. Shoveling his face with his mom's cooking and reminding his boyfriend of the first time they did. Janus did the endearing blushy thing again. Vorgil felt exceptionally good about his plans.

“Wanna watch a movie?” he asked when they sorted both their long limbs to get comfortable snuggled together.

They decided on Happiest Season and got about ten minutes into the stream before Virgil was distracted by Jans sharp jawline, feeling compelled to kiss and nibble softly until he could hear the breath of his very composed boyfriend hitch lightly.

“V…, Baby.” Janus hummed softly, using the nickname that never failed you make Virgil heat up all over. He let his mouth wander until he reached another pair of soft, relaxed lips to slip his tongue in. Jan gripped him more firmly, pressing him against his chest, heat trapped between them now, while they kissed. Things only got more heated between, the kiss downright dirty and open-mouthed and a little dizzying with the lack of oxygen. Both of them were hard, which was nothing new really, they often got turned on like that from kissing each other.

“Hey V..” Janus asked, right against his lips, gorgeous and absolutely out of breath, “Can I blow you?”

They hadn’t done that yet. Actually they hadn’t done anything really, except for rubbing against each other, fully clothed. Because Virgil had been to anxious about, well, everything, to do with having sex with his boyfriend. Jan had never pressed for anything more and he was intensely thankful for that. But he must have felt too that tonight was different. And holy shit, he wanted to get his mouth on Virgil's dick! He could actually feel his dick dribbling a little at that and had to hide his head in Jans neck to get himself under control.

“Fuck yes, yes, please, I’d like that.” he whispered. Again that irresistible laugh, but this time it made the unbearable heat in his belly even more intense.

“Okay, yes, sounding enthusiastic there, yes?”

“Yes, yes, very enthusiastic. Very.” he hurried to say when Jans fingers wandered to his waistband.

“Just making sure..” This time the heatwave came from his boyfriend smoothly sliding onto the floor between his outstretched legs, and it made actual sweat break out in the small of his back. The sweats were gone in an instant.

Shortly before Jan was about to strip him out of his pants he gripped his hands in a sudden bout of nervousness. They’d never been naked around each other either, what if- “Virgil, Baby.” Janus interrupted his rabid brain, “Stop thinking. I already know you are gorgeous and I want you, yes?”

He waited until Virgil cracked a small smile and confirmed that he could go on, still a little wary but also really, really excited.

In comparison to all the porn Virgil had ever seen this was incredibly sloppy. Nothing about it was tidy and very coordinated or anything like he had imagined from what he had ever seen. And it was mind numbing. Absolute bliss and it was over so fucking fast he could barely warn Jan.

“Fuck, Baby.” And again that incredible warm laugh. Virgil didn’t feel like examining how he was liking his lips while doing it or he most likely would have ended up with the next erection.

“Want me to..?” he gestured a little helplessly and dazed between his boyfriends legs which must have been a little funny because he was treated to another soft huff. “Don’t worry, V...taking care of it myself real quick. Just relax and savour that afterglow, yeah? We have all of the holidays if you want to  reciprocate.”

[inkribbon796]

The Bee ‘n Boo Ch. 2: Spider Legs and Bumble Bees

Summary: Virgil is uneasy so he goes wandering the halls again, and finds nothing but trouble.

Chapters: 1, 2

The conversation with Logan sat wrong with Virgil and surprise, surprise he was having problems sleeping on this vacation as a result.

After a couple days he finally had enough. It was obvious the owners were watching them closely. Clearly looking for something from them.

Virgil decided he didn’t like the owners of this bed and breakfast, he really didn’t. It didn’t help that usually when he got an impression of someone he was typically right. So he started wandering the halls on their last night, unsure if he wanted to track one of the owners down.

He didn’t have to decide what he wanted to do for himself because one of the owners found him in a hallway.

The first hint he was being followed was the sound of a low buzzing, Virgil’s mind immediately recognized it as a bee or wasp buzzing. He looked around for the sound and saw Tubbo standing down the hall behind him, a single bee flying around him.

“Normally I don’t care if our patrons walk around the halls,” Tubbo sighed. “But I make a special exception for demon clientele, especially when Dream takes an interest in them.”

“I’m not a demon, I’ve been tested,” Virgil defended tersely.

“Yeah,” Tubbo scoffed at that. “Bet you have.”

The buzzing pitched dangerously and Virgil braced for an attack but Tubbo turned to glance behind him.

“Fuck, did you call for some type ‘a[1] backup?” Tubbo demanded angrily.

“No,” Virgil shot back, feeling nervous and looking around.

Tubbo whispered something into his hand and magic coiled around his hand, words visibly etched into the magic that read: “Ranboo, get over here!” and blew the magic out of the palm of his hand and it flew down the hall.

Then Tubbo looked around as he summoned a sword that had a blue and violet glow to it. He was looking around the hall as Virgil coiled magic towards him. He was inwardly cursing and chastising himself for coming alone. It had been a stupid decision he kept making.

“Underscore,” someone on Virgil’s side of the hallways came out, it was a legionnaire. That legionnaire froze when he saw Virgil. “Shit! You! Of course you’re working with them.”

Spurred on by his mounting anxiety, Virgil’s spider legs sprouted and he realized he was trapped between someone who was absolutely threatening, and someone who was vaguely threatening.

There was a crash of glass underneath Virgil and he looked down to see the effects of a potion waft up and Virgil felt his entire body charged with power.

Tubbo slid underneath Virgil and the anxious Side startled back.

“I thought I said we didn’t want any ‘a[1] you shitheads back in here,” Tubbo spat.

“Tubbo!” Ranboo’s voice called out to them as the legionnaire began to move towards them.

“There were already too many demons before you freaks got here,” the hunter spat.

“Back up,” Tubbo ordered Virgil.

“Boo!” Tubbo called out as the taller young man raced around the corner and over to help, deep purple magic buzzing around him.

“⎅⎍☊☍!”[2] Ranboo shouted as his eyes glowed a deep purple, his more human appearance almost decaying away to show that half of his face was black and the other side was bone white, long pointed horns coming from his forehead.

Tubbo dropped to the ground as a huge, purple pixelated portal appeared right in front of the assailant who seemed caught in it and then Ranboo closed the portal and the man disappeared. Magic shot perfectly in-between Virgil and Tubbo.

Ranboo was shaking and breathing heavily as purple magic buzzed around him.

“Nice timin’[3], bossman,” Tubbo smiled, getting up.

“Did you just kill him?” Virgil looked between them in horror.

“Prolly should’a,”[4] Tubbo scoffed as Ranboo returned to his more human appearance and walked over to stand next to him. “If Ranboo hadn’t showed up I would’a[5].”

Virgil saw the hardened look in Tubbo’s eyes and he immediately believed him.

“Nah, I can’t kill people with my portals, only send them somewhere else. Depends on how fast they’re going though.” Ranboo then turned and groaned at Tubbo. “Come on man, we just got this place, I don’t wanna[6] have to bail you out and have to deal with the bad press by myself.”

“I’ve dealt with worse,” Tubbo shrugged.

Ranboo looked like he wanted to say something but he just huffed. “You okay?”

“Yeah, big guy,” Tubbo smiled and patted his arm. “I got this now, just go and rest.”

“I don’t think I can sleep after that,” Ranboo commented. “Gonna go get started on that mountain of paperwork.”

“Be in there soon,” Tubbo promised and Ranboo nodded before walking away.

Tubbo turned to smile at Virgil, “Not too shabby,[7] you did pretty good.”

“It was just the one, and you two did all the work,” Virgil smiled bashfully, looking around the hallway to see if he’d done any damage. His spider legs slowly disappeared. “Sorry if I did any damage.”

“Nahhh, it’s all good, big guy,” Tubbo dismissed. “Least I can do. Like I said before, you’re still a payin’[8] customer and I don’t let people get away with shit in my establishment. If we meet outside and you’ve already turned in your keys, then it’ll be different. But right now you’re here.”

“Why help us?” Virgil asked. “Seems like a lot of work to go through for your enemies. Aren’t we the bad guys to you?”

Tubbo shrugged, “I don’t know, I don’t think good and bad people actually exist. It all depends on what side you’re on. Initially I was just plannin’[9] on raisin’[10] the alarm when I saw you, but then you said you liked my bees and you were really genuine about the whole thing—”

“Uh, that was Lo,” Virgil interrupted, before immediately starting to backpedal when he saw the confusion on Tubbo’s face. “Uhhh, I mean the bees are fine. They’re, uh, great. But I’m more of a spider-type guy. Not that the bees aren’t cool, I mean— not cool, who says “cool” unironically anymore? Ignore me, I’m rambling.”

The reason Virgil had started rambling was because Tubbo’s expression turned from confusion to a look of absolute horror. When Virgil stopped there was a grim silence between them.

“Holy shit,” Tubbo whispered, his tone tense. “Are you conscious in there?”

Virgil stood up, trying to put distance between them. “Umm, yeah? Why wouldn’t I be?”

Tubbo tried to lean up, as if looking for something in Virgil’s face, which only made Virgil even more nervous. “That’s fuckin’[11] demented. How alive are you? I thought you guys were like cardboard cut-outs of real people, but you’re actually alive?”

He was right in Virgil’s personal space, the only thing keeping him from being directly within biting range was the fact that Virgil was taller than him.

“Maybe I should go back to my room,” Virgil backed up.

Tubbo glared at him before he backed up, his expression guarded. “I guess you should, shouldn’t you?”

Then Tubbo left and hurried back up to his room. The other Sides were still thankfully asleep but something in Virgil couldn’t sleep that night, he stayed up the whole time staring at his ceiling.

They left the next day, Virgil sleeping in fitful bursts and starts in the car and everyone was asking if he was okay when he woke back.

Tubbo’s words stuck with Virgil like an insidious disease. He’d been mind controlled before. The anxious Side hadn’t liked it then and didn’t think he ever would. A question lodged so deep in his mind that he didn’t think he’d ever get it out: how would you know if someone controlled your mind?

The anxious Side lies that he was and was only just starting to calm down when they got to the house. He wanted to sleep under his weighted blanket and forget everything.

But then he felt a twinge of unease when Logan walked in, spiking Virgil’s innate anxiety back up.

It took Logan a little bit to realize what was wrong: Someone had been through their house! If it had been one or two things he would have chalked it up to Joan, but there was furniture that was ever so slightly moved.

Immediately the logical Side conveyed it to the other Core Sides and they contacted Joan who had been house sitting for them, and Janus to check if Remus had broken in again.

Remus hadn’t, but Joan said that something had been in their house and they had it under control. So with barely having time to start unpacking and sorting out dirty clothes, the suitcases were left in various rooms as they rushed back to the base where Nate, King, the androids, and several different heroes were waiting for them.

Logan however, threw up an arm to protect the other Sides when he saw what King had in his possession.

King was sitting in a chair, an old camera bound with spells propped on his knee and something in Logan twisted in rage and apprehension.

“I think it’s time we had that talk,” Nate warned Logan, his magic hovering over the camera.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Post A/N: Tubbo’s magical familiar is a bee, I will not be convinced otherwise.

Accessibility Translations:

1. of

2. Duck!

3. timing

4. Probably should have

5. would have

6. want to

7. bad

8. paying

9. planning

10. raising

11. fucking

[dirt-dynasty]

.

[ne-fe-li-bata]

Aye yo CORPSE!  ...

Dead ass;

You can't convince me that Corspe was/is/does ; 

in no particular order..

• Deserve to be held ( I would smother him with my chest and hold him tighter than he has ever been held) & protected from this world

• Pyro! Mans loves🔥🔥🔥 - mostly his fav elemental  (Leo is a fire sign); “WOOO... now that’s a fire!”

•  Loves knives/weapons- has a collection (quite a nifty 1, ay thank-a-you) & even knows how to use butterfly knives/ tackle combat.

      Has a collection of weapons (brass knuckle, daggers, swords, knives,etc.)

•  Highly interested in combat/training. Most likely has training in some sort of combat. Loves any form of physical combat < UFC,MMA, Boxing, any type of martial arts>

•  Absolute proper gentlemen / clearly has the utmost charm/cunning

      I.e holds the door open & will slap yo ass on the way in, moves you away from street side when walking, pulls chairs, defends your honor, etc.

• Takes A . L . O . T  to truly capture his attention- but once you have it ..%100

•  With his person; protective/obsessives/ possessive/ sensual/ affectionate .

              < mine is mine. me no share -like absolutely not at all>

             “ You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down for ya“

• RP'er on DeviantArt/chats had his own OC. (also prob had his fav person to RP with) 

         <prob even talked to them in MSN or private chat>

•  Watched mostly nothing by anime/cartoons (nick/CN) as a kid & also mostly watched certain shows/movies as a kid well into his teens

         (could recite quotes/scenes as second nature)

•  Not a major musical theatre type of kid. But musical movies/shows was 1 of his favs- but still highly interested/ in love with theatre/musicals/preforming arts none the less.

-EYES DON’T LIE

•’staring problem’ he’d just stare at you -deep in his head (both good & bad) you’d have to bring him back to you ..”babe- eh, come *snap*back to me. What’s on your mind my love?’

•  Genuinely a really warm person- but only to certain people, but comes across cold & distance 

•  Grew up in the internet & knows the way around the 'business' & 'faceless' YouTubers/celebrities

•  His teens/ late adolescents consisted & grew up on YouTube O.G videos/ video game commentary/content;

  Cry.. <Cry was a huge part of my life & still hold a special place in my heart. Corspe just like I was most likely devastated with the shit that went down> 

Jack

Nova

Sp00n

Jontron

Smosh

Nigahiga

Shane

Jenna

Hanna Hart

Phil/Dan

KevJumba

Ray William Johnson

Pewds

Machinima

EMT

ERB

Wassabi Prod.

VlogBros, 

-etc

• Has an oral fixating (lovebites indefinitely <like dead ass ya’ll be chillan/ out & he’d attack you> & just needs something in his mouth always)

• Fidgety af, always need to be playing with something in his hands/playing with 

•  Is a goddamn absolute certified freak--but also super soft bean boi. (can't stress how this boi needs& deserves to be protected)

• Constant hand/arm touching/stroking for comfort.

• Daddy{papi} / Mommy(mamá) . Master . Sir  kink - hard control kinks- but highly sub. 

hard(er) kinks

• Lovebites = M I N E 

obvs fishnets/ crossbody straps/ lingerie

lace

collars/ restraints 

toys

     •RP

degrading/praising

sub/dom switch

showing/proving your actually/completely & utterly his/ he’s completely & utterly yours..

& of course you know it's go time when 1 - if not both of you has kitty ears on. 

over stim 

*no touchy/ don’t let me go*

“look at what I’ve done to you”

“you kno only I can do this to you”

“look how greedy you are for me”

“look at the mess you’ve made because of me’ 

“cum on my face”/’cum for me”

“who do you belong to” / “you belong to me & only me”

100% all black clothing 🖤

*that once we get home / I swear I’ll deal with you right here, right now* look 

primal play  “when you run from me, it only makes me want you more” “you know imma find you kitten”

pet names (beast< i feel like you call this man “ (a) beast”-he about to lose his absolute fucking mind> , “oh Corpse/______, you absolute fuckin’ beast- my God” kitten, babyboy/girl, baby(e), bae, my love, lover boy, my darling, slut, needy little bitch, cum slut, lil’ whore, master/mistress, king/queen”

“only yours” “just ______” “ no-one but _____” “only____” “only you” 

‘I’ll keep you so no one can find you or bother us’

“that’s my girl” / “that's my boy”

“would you like to/ I saw----”

“look at me” “don’t look away from me”

GROWLING / talking through clenched jaw

not breaking eye contact 

     • his name & ‘Corspe’ being cried out 

“cry out my name for me baby. know who you belong to”

video/sexing/teasing 

breeding kink

voyeurism

abrasions

aftercare af 

impact play 

24/7

edging 

accidental stim; “holy fuck- I’m so turned on by you rn”

rope bondage 

begging 

worships 

•  But also soft kinks; 

MEME SENDING

head on lap/chest

naps

playing with hair 

matching outfits

voice messages 

always touching (somehow)

no space between bodies

picture taking together/ just of you

body rubs, head rubs

massages

competition 

play fighting

“this reminded me of you”

“I remember you said” “I know you...”

“you know I love you”

“I can tell by your eyes”

“ugh- I swear to shit imma marry you 1 day”

“nothing really made sense until you”

“do you wanna watch”/ “WAIT!? YOU HAVEN’T SEEN?!”

“damn- you really do love/like me, eh?”/ “you are SO fucking mine”

“that’s my girl”/ “that's my boy”

pet names/ “MY_______” “YOURS”

long stares

dates- stay at home dates are his fav, as your attention/focus is just on him 

choker/necklace/ jewelry (that 1 of you bought- NOT LIKE HIGH PRICE TAG, but like seen it & was like ‘omg ____ would so wear...’) 

cuddles with movies /anime watching time

just being in the same room/on call- even in silence 

* emojis*- just some sort of communication 

inside jokes/ puns/dark humor

seeing 1 another with kids

future kink (family, travel, etc)

playing video games 

dancing/ singing with 1 another

Sitting on the ground, wrapped around his leg when he streams/edits

Nerf gun fights 

Watching him record (tracks/editing/streaming)

•  Loves- loves surprises <like dead ass would set up a surprise date/ do a scavenger hunt for you/ surprise you with your fav thing>

•  Loyalty is everything & his best attribute (& pride) 

• The music that he make is from the soul/heart. He pit everything has has/what he has left into his art

•  No one has seen the real him - a side he truly hides

•  He's both book & street smart

           Taught himself through YouTube/Reedit/online 

•  Fav actors; Jim Carrey/Robbin Williams/Will Smith (?)

•  Man’s straight up dangerous. we only know like a  quarter of him & people fall at his feet. ( h e . i s . n o t . t o . b e. F U C K E D . w i t h) 

•  Hates silence 

         ( constantly needs background noise)  <also can't fight me on this babyboi cuddles pillows/blankets for night-night time>

•  People don't understand the pain he is in every day, unless they have fibromyalgia/GERD/high functioning (sever social)anxiety/depression/ agoraphobia 

(my mom suffers with fibro/depression <I myself have GERD/ sever social amenity/depression>& I wouldn't wish those illness on my worse enemy...)

• Over all pain has changed him

• Has dealt with self harm since a young age- most likely 9- 11 yrs old. (as someone else who’s suffered with SH for years- when you become so numb it 1 of the only ways to feel some sort of anything/makes you feel like you’re alive)

• Addiction (drugs/people/things)

•  Wrote & read a lot of fanfiction

        (most likely his main source of reading in pre/teenage years)

• Is a hopeless romantic but has his guard way up

•  Obsessed with Japan / Studio Ghibli

• Doesn't think he deserves any of the recognition/ fame he's gotten--but definitely deserves it all as he's creative & inspirational as fuck. Also he’s worked so hard for it & had put himself through so much

    Contrary is highly appreciative of those that are supporting

• Doesn't do it for the fame but for the fact he know how he's gotten people through hard time (just like those on the internet got him through)

• Was a scene boy that vibe’d of myspace/ listens to a lot of  ‘scene’ pop-punk, emo/ scene band shit (band?)

•  Also is/was a major tumblr boy

•  Would be a phenomenal father

•   His love language: physical touch & words of affirmation 

• He would flinch at touch movement but would melt in your hands

• Face caresses would trigger anxiety/ tears.. but once he’s calmed/comfortable would burry his face in your touch. neck & chest

•  Still caught up in daydreams

•  A part of him is still never satisfied even if it’s exactly to the pin point detail of what he wanted  

•  Has at least 40/50(ish) songs he hasn't released

•  Mommy & daddy issues (not saying his home life was really- really  fucked - but non the less- it certainly wasn't the best).. Also wants to protect/provide for his family (especially his sister) & was prob closer to a grandparent/aunt/uncle)

•  Definitely prefers to be by himself, as every time people come around, it's like;‘"this is why I'm okay (ish)with being alone" 

• lost an important person to him due to O.D/ suicided..

•  Also most likely to of heard his "friends" shit talking 'Corpse' or something correlated with him

•  His pride is his biggest sin (next to lust)

•  Has single-handedly defined a huge part of 2020 ( in the best way)

•  Went through a fighting stage where he was ready to fuck anyone up on a drop of a dime (middle/'high school'/street fights- possibly even under ground)

          but also a stage where he cut absolutely everyone off for a solid couple years

•  Most likely obsessed with 1 of 3 creatures; lion, dragon, wolf ( 5ish- possibly bear/fox)

•  Dinosaur obsessed 

• Internet & video games raised him

• He raised himself

Quick to adapt to surroundings/situations.

•  Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was his shit ( I CAN SO SEE YOUNG BABYBOI RUNNIN AROUND THE HOUSE IN A POWER RANGER SUIT) "IT'S MORPHIN' TIME MOTHER FUCKER"

              fav ranger- green 

•  Has up until next year planned out & is working on the next 'version of corpse' ( PR, vids, music, etc)

•  Also med/high key this man was most likely in a physcward (more than once) ..

•  This man deserves more than he'll ever give himself recognition for & knows in the back of his mind--people will hate just to hate

•  Rose is his fav flower  🌹

•⛈️🌧️. >🌞.  Loves storms/ rain & prefers them over sunny days

•  Loves the moon/stars/space (?) < observatorium dates = fuckin mint>

• Pixar/Disney lover

        <still believes- deep down in happy ever after ... but thorough an twisted yet not so twisted- simple(??), dedicated process(?)>

•  Fav Pixar movie.. either Wall.E or Toy Story 

    •  Pixar > Disney

         •  But fav Disney movie- Beauty & the Beast (?)

• Most likely had a Jackass obsession's (doing dumb hoodshit)

•  Fall is his fav season (?)

•  Horror/ thriller movies/shows over everything (obvs)

•   Had an escape place in town where he’d hide from the world- that absolutely no one knew about. 

•  Was really into graffiti/ street art 

•  Arested as a youth - but charges dropped- or was still considered a mirror (either fighting/ possession/ trespassing/ vandalisms)

• Arrested on heavier charges (also same as above - but not tried as an minor)

•  also-ALSO ... thou he feels like he owes people something. HE DOESN’T OWE ANYTHING TO A N Y O N E . His mental & well being is the most important.

•  On a side & major note. You can't deny that this man single handily is a (in my opinion) the 2nd biggest “C” that define 2020.

•  Was most likely really into skateboarding/BMX

• Late night drives/impulsive road trips & playlist/ sitting at lookouts, just in silence & touching 1 another. 

• Clingy af-.. but could also be distance & cold af- especially on high pain days. stormy brain days. PTSD episodes.

• Slow dancing/ dancing around the apartments. with or without music.

• Rocking out with each other- screaming lyrics in each other face.

• “hey baby- how you feelin” 

         *grunting* *shuffles over & lays on chest* 

• Huge comforts for 1 another;

      Especially when going out, being wrapped around him for comfort & reassurance. Even being at home alone together- panic attacks are shit, PTSD episodes are even more shit. helping each other with bathing & caring

     When he’d be hiding from his reflection- or stares just a little too long. Going up behind him & worship him (vise versa)

• He’d be your biggest hypeman/ #1 fan (vise versa)

• Would LOVE you wearing his clothes/jewelry & would love to wear you things.

Was probably engaged to his ex (that's why he gets offt when people mention "corpse wife"

There'd be days where he'd be so distance & cold.. & tell you to leave but wouldn't let you.

He'd sit in the bathroom with you when you shower/have a bath.

As he doesn't sleep most night. He'd be up just watching you sleep & caressing you.

Lil spoon > big spoon.

<more to be added>

I love you... genuinely . turly.  madly. deeply.

[8makes1cheese]

Mr. Handsome Stranger

Pairing: Yeosang X Reader

Tags: cursing, shitty attempts at comedy, fluff

Words: 1.7k

A/N: YAY my first fic! Go easy on me HEHehehe... ahem. ANyways, I hope it’s decent. The Ateez boys deserve more love and Atinys need more content dammit. Even if it’s my shitty writing hahahaHA. I promise to (try) to get better with my writing. Like seriously I feel like this is so shitty, but I’m having some blocks on ideas and having trouble starting stories. Also If I didn’t decide to just post this, nothing was going to be posted. ALSO, gotta give credit where credit is due of course, I got the inspiration for this story here. Well, enjoy?

"Okay, deep breathes. In and out. Inhale...exhale." I was currently parked curbside waiting for the time to hit noon. I had a job interview at my local library and was in the process of trying to psych myself up and calm my nerves at the same time. I glanced at the clock on my dashboard and it read 11:02 A.M. They like it when you show up early right? It shows that your punctual and responsible and shit. I rolled my eyes at myself. Why the hell did I show up so early? 

I wanted this job so bad. Working at this library has always been a dream of mine. They also have never had an open position here for years. Sure, you could volunteer your time here, but it has always been the same women working here for more than a decade. One of the ladies is good friends with my mother and knew that I would jump at the chance to land a job at my favorite place in town. I sighed and looked at the clock again. 11:06. I whined to myself and turned the heater on in my car. If I wasn't going to woman up and get my ass out of this vehicle, I might as well get cozy since I seem to be too chicken shit to hang out in the building I've spent the majority of my life in. I know I could just go in and browse through the isles of books before my interview. All the librarians know me by name, I know all of theirs. Like my mother and Thalia, my mothers friend who works at the library, said when they told me about the job opening, I'm guaranteed to get it. But, I still have anxiety and it seems like one of my favorite things to do is worry and assume the worse. I wrapped my cardigan tighter around me and turned up my heater. It was definitely a cold one today. It wasn't raining just yet, but the sky was steely gray with storm clouds. It was pretty calming actually, my favorite weather was stormy weather and grabbing a hot chocolate from the neighboring cafe and snuggling up in the warm library was sounding so good right now. Yes, keep thinking that way, maybe it'll actually get you to get the hell out of this car. As I was convincing myself that a hot chocolate sounded perfect a car pulled up and parked behind me. I didn't pay much attention to it, at least not until the person who was driving the car got out of it. I herd the door slam shut and glanced at my side-view mirror. Well, shit. The man that had exited the car was probably one of the most beautiful men I had ever seen. His hair was light brown. Dark blonde? Light brown. Whatever, you know what I mean. He had on a silky looking dark brown button up tucked into black skinny jeans and a black suit jacket to complete the ensemble. A simple black string wrapped around his throat. Damn, he has no business looking that good. I chuckled to myself. Thirsty bitch. I watched as he pointed his key fob at his car to lock his door and started walking to my side of the car. Wonder where he- My eyes widened and my heart sped up for a second when he stopped at my car door. What is he...? He turned his body towards me and bent over slightly looking right into my car window. I started to freak out when I remembered. Wait, my windows are tinted... holy shit, he can't see me. I smirked, enjoying a better look at this handsome man. It seemed like he decided to stop and use my car window as a mirror to check himself out. I observed him as he straightened out his shirt and ran his fingers through is hair. Damn, he looks even better up close. He seemed to have a bit of a nervous air about him. Maybe an important meeting? Maybe a ...date? I was tempted to roll down the window and scare the pants off him. (Oh, Mister Handsome Stranger with no pants...okay (y/n) get your mind out of the gutter for once.) And so I did. The look he had was absolutely priceless when he noticed the window start to roll down. Shock and embarrassment were written all over his perfect face. I plastered on a giant grin as most of my face became visible. He opened and closed his mouth a few times like a fishy Adonis and before he could say anything, I somehow had the confidence to say, "Don't worry, you look really good. Honestly you are unnaturally beautiful for a man. Like, seriously, you're prettier than my sister; and trust me, she's so pretty that she got a acting gig for a commercial advertising medicine for genital warts.", but you know, I have absolutely no confidence in myself to get a job that I'm almost guaranteed to get. Mister Handsome Strangers face turned red and he started busting up laughing. Oh no, your laugh sounds as beautiful as you are. "Thank you, I think I should take that as a compliment?" He said through his laughter. Jesus Fucking Christ, your voice sounds even better. "Oh yeah, it's definitely a compliment." Once he caught his breath he cleared his throat he scratched the back of his neck. "I'm really sorry." he told me. "I had no idea someone was in the car- your car. I-I mean- I didn't know you were in..." he stuttered out. I chuckled as his cheeks became just a little pinker. "It's alright really. My windows are obviously tinted so nobody would be able to tell that I'm just sitting in my car being a creep." He slightly smiled at me. "Why are you just sitting in your car being a creep?" he asked. Is he really starting a conversation with me? I glanced at the clock on my dash. 11:14. "Oh. I'm sorry." He let out a nervous chuckle. "I'm probably keeping you from something, and also being a creep I guess just randomly asking why your in your own car. I should-" "NO! I-I mean, no, it's okay. I just have a job interview at the library at noon and I was just making sure I wasn't going to be late for it." I let out a small breathy laugh and rubbed my hands on the steering wheel. His shoulders looked like they lost most of their tension and he sent a small smile my way. "Well your awfully early. Don't want to make them think your too eager now do you?" I snorted. "Well I haven't even entered the building yet. I have to leave the car for them to think that now don't I?" He grinned at me. "I guess that's true." Your smile is giving me heart palpitations. I took a deep breath as discreetly as I could. Bad Idea. Holy shit, he smells like heaven. "SO STRANGER-" Dear Gods, could you have been any louder!? "Ahem- so, you look dressed for some sort of occasion." His eyes widened and he had the look like he just remembered something. "O-oh, right, I'm-" He coughed into his balled up fist. "I-uh I have a... blind date at noon." I raised my eyebrow at him then grinned. "Well your awfully early. Don't want to make them think your too eager now do you?" I could tell he tried to suppress a grin and he rolled his eyes. "Ah, but I haven't even entered the building. I have to be in the cafe for anyone to think that now don't I?" I laughed and he laughed along, when we both calmed down he told me that him and his blind date were actually supposed to meet at 11:00 but that she was running late and texted him before he left and that she'll be at the cafe a little before noon.  He took his phone out of his pocket, glanced at it, and sighed. He looked almost.. disappointed. "I should probably head in, just in case she gets here a little early." I nodded a little too enthusiastically. Don't make your disappointment obvious. You have literally known this man for like 20 minutes. "Well, I hope you have a fantastic time on your date, who knows, maybe she'll be the one." I winked at him and immediately regretted it. By the Gods, why are you so lame. That was so damn cringey. My cringey-ness seemed to go over his head as he softly smiled at me and said, "And I hope you get this job. You're going to do great in the interview. Make sure to tell them about your sister that was in that genital warts commercial, you'll get the job for sure with that." This boy is making my cheeks hurt with all the smiling he's making me do. "I'll be sure to lead with that. It was nice to meet you..." He held his hand just outside my car window. "Yeosang." I took his hand in mine and softly shook it. I want to hold your hand forever. "Yeosang..I'm (y/n)." "(y/n)...it was a pleasure to meet you too." he said softly. My name sounds incredible coming from you, please say it again. He smiled at me and backed away, walking around my car to get to the sidewalk and making his way into the cafe that was neighbors with the library. I watched Yeosang enter the cafe and I took a deep breath. It wasn't often that I met someone that was literally perfect. I rested my head against the seats head rest (I mean that is what it is for right?) and closed my eyes for a moment. I couldn't believe I struck up a conversation (If you could even call it that.) with a random stranger. I don't do that. Why did I do that? I opened my eyes and looked at the clock. 11:34. If I have the confidence to do that, then dammit, I have the confidence to kill this interview. An interview that I'M GUARANTEED to kill in the first place, but still. I shut my car off and grabbed my phone and wallet from my center console. I exited the car and smiled at my future place of work. Alright, lets do this shit.

A/N pt2: spEAKING OF PT.2, I wanna do a pt. 2 to this? I’m still unsure of this story but I immediately had a idea of how to continue this as I was spell checking through it? So yeah. Hope you liked it <3 Anyone reading this, feel free to shoot me a request! I could always use new ideas and inspiration to keep me going. Have a good day/night~

[the-yerkes-dodson-curve]

SO LET’S TALK ABOUT THE NEW SANDERS SIDES VIDEO

This is gonna be a long post. I have a lot of thoughts about this episode. There is going to be some serious talk about my own personal experiences with violent intrusive thoughts and also me just appreciating this amazing episode. 

I was one of the people that was convinced it was going to be about depression. I am so glad it wasn’t. A lot of people have talked about depression, but no one, at least as far as I know, have really touched upon intrusive thoughts. I had the exact same dilemma as Thomas last year where I thought I was going insane because I couldn’t control my own brain and I had a horrible mental breakdown and I was convinced I was a horrible person because of my intrusive thoughts. I cried and talked to people about it and through doing so it was made clear to me that these intrusive thoughts were just that, thoughts. Nothing more. They hold nothing over me. I still suffer from them, but now I know what they are.

I was also certain there wasn’t going to be another side introduced. It’s been a year since Deceit was introduced, we’ve only just gotten to know Deceit a little better, there won’t be another side. BOY WAS I WRONG

The episode starts with Thomas, Virgil and Patton trying not to think about the intrusive thoughts he was having that kept him awake. I have intrusive thoughts like that all the time. I vividly imagine my family members dying, or even myself dying. I vividly imagine someone breaking into the house and killing me. My brain does what Virgil and Patton do, freak out and try to think about something else. This video has made me realise how much I repress thoughts like that.

My anxiety also makes me have intrusive thoughts. Whenever I have an anxiety attack I vividly imagine myself killing myself in gory detail because I’ve gotten into this cycle of hating myself whenever I have an attack. I get scared, what if I lose control one day and these thoughts become reality?

I love how the audio became muffled and the intrusive thought creeped in. I like to think of the mind like a radio, tuning in and out of different frequencies, and sometimes, or most of the time like for me, you can’t control the frequencies it jumps to. And suddenly you’re imagining your loved one being killed or dying.

I SCREAMED BLOODY MURDER WHEN THOSE HANDS CREEPED OUT

I WAS NOT EXPECTING A NEW SIDE AT ALL

I WAS SO TERRIFIED

HOLY SHIT THAT CHARACTER DESIGN I AM IN LOVE STRAIGHT AWAY 

BUT AAAAAAAA WHAT ARE YOU DOING WHAT THE HELL

When he smacked Roman in the head and knocked him out I was so shook, this Sanders Sides has stepped into totally new territory

LOOK AT HIM OMG HE HAS A MOUSTACHE I WASN’T EXPECTING A NEW SIDE TO HAVE FACIAL HAIR HOLY SHIT 

THE DUKE

HIS VOICE

HE HAS A DIFFERENT VOICE

THERE IS NO ENDING TO THOMAS’ TALENT

The way the song starts is eVeRyThInG

THESE EFFECTS I CAN’T DEAL AAAAAAAAA

I FUCKING SCREAMED

HIS SIX ARMS I LOVE IT REMUS’ SASSY STANCE I AM LIVING FOR IT

If you shared those musings with your friends, I doubt they would forgive you.

Gosh. I relate to this too much. I was so scared that I would somehow reveal these bad thoughts to people and they would hate me and everyone would hate me and think I was an awful person.

Even though everybody sins, everybody dies.

FAVOURITE PART OF THE SONG HANDS DOWN THOMAS’ VOICE IS AMAZING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Why deny yourself knowledge, say, knowledge of yourself!

These lyrics are amazing. They encapsulating what I was thinking when I had really bad intrusive thoughts. I still have them, but when I first started noticing I had them I spiralled so far down. “What if this is who I am...what if I’m not the nice person I think I am?”

hELP I LOVE HIM BUT I HATE HIM BUT I LOVE HIM

I always love the villain. I hate everything they’ve done and don’t condone any of it, but I absolutely love them, especially if they are as fabulous as the Duke Remus.

These sorts of things are only thought in the mind of a man whose soul is truly rotten.

Oof. I relate to that thought process.

So let all your hopes of heaven be forgotten, ‘cause your head’s not in the gutter, pal, it’s in hell!

I wasn’t expecting religious imagery. I really love that. I don’t relate to the religious ideas brought up in this episode as I am not religious, but I do love the fact that he talked about them. Also, when Deceit said, “Wow, Thomas, it seems that your moral compass is pointed south, towards hell!” that was definitely foreshadowing for Thomas to spiral into this. That’s why Patton reacted so viscerally to that comment.

Remus: Juicy butthole!

Me:

Me:

Me: what...what is happening in this Sanders Sides

THIS FACE I LOVE IT

THE JAZZ HANDS AND THE HIGH VOICE AAAAAA WHY DO I LOVE HIM AND HATE HIM

Patton did a real good job!

Oh my goodness, this precious boi.

How about...DEMENTED?

I  C H O K E D

What is my deal? Um, bitch? What is YOUR deal?

My exact thought process. “Am I actually a horrible person because I’m having such awful thoughts like this, there’s definitely something wrong with me...but I can’t stop it...”

Oh no....oh no!

My heart broke at the horror and sadness that washes over Thomas’ and Patton’s face.

another good remus screenshot

Oh my goodness, the way he tortures Logan throughout the episode was awful for me to watch cause MY BABY LOGAN, but I love how Logan doesn’t react. I love Logan’s determination.

You bastard.

IT WAS A LONG TIME COMING HELL YES VIRGIL

I’d love to see the bloopers for this bit, oh my gosh.

Ooh! How fun! You know who could help us with that?

AWW MAN YOU GOT MY HOPES UP XDD

That’s what repression is!?

I love Patton’s reaction, cause I had the same reaction. Repression is so easy to do cause you often don’t know you are doing it.

This is not about me wanting to be listened to. You all are not listening to Thomas.

THIS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT OH MY GOSH

Virgil: But what if he’s lying?

Logan: I can assure you, he’s not. You’re just para- expressing an unhealthy amount of concern. Thank you for being on guard. But for now, you must listen.

I love this part so much. It calls back to when Roman almost called Virgil paranoid, but then switched it to vigilant. Logan realised he was getting too worked up and angry and so stopped himself. This is great development from when he lashed out at Roman in Learning New Things About Ourselves. Calling Virgil “paranoid” is destructive and will make Virgil not feel listened to. He is aware of that. He is making sure Virgil still feels like he’s a valued part of Thomas’ mind.

another good remus screenshot

THAT IS WHY I SAY IT!

GOSH I LOVE LOGAN SO MUCH YES LOGAN GO OFF

I love being given two d’s at once!

Me:

Me:

Me: ...again what is happening

When Logan revealed that the problem was within Patton and Virgil, my heart dropped. I wasn’t expecting that.

Record scratch!?

I LOVE HIM AAAAA

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN AM I COOL DOES THIS MAKE ME COOL

OMG PRECIOUS BOI AAAA

I WAS SO SHOOK WHEN HE SAID HIS NAME JUST LIKE THAT

ALSO THAT SLY DIG AT VIRGIL AAAAA

oof. this sad boi. :”(

Oh shut up, Nerdy Wolverine!

OMG I JUST REALISED THIS IS WHAT ROMAN SAYS AT THE END AAAAA

I  S C R E A M E D

we just witnessed a side die guys

the angst fanfiction is coming to life

The Duke only has power over you because Virgil and Patton believe that he does.

Hit me hard. I’ve never related more to a Sanders Sides episode.

This. THIS. So poignant and brilliant! This is how it feels!

good logan screenshot

Virgil was right. Not all thoughts are meaningful.

This idea is what helped me better deal with intrusive thoughts. Your brain just fires random thoughts at you, they don’t necessarily mean anything.

I mean, look at him now! He barely got any rest due in large part to you two chastising him all night!

I love how Logan tells them off. UGH I LOVE HIM

And that is why the Duke feels like such a threat, in part, at least. The feeling that you may be a bad person who doesn’t have control over yourself or your destiny, causes you to fear that you may actually act on these thoughts.

Gosh this episode is hitting me hard. 

It’s okay.

Everything is okay.

Logan’s soft voice as he said that made me emotional. His whole speech here is so lovely and helpful. It is okay to have these thoughts cross your mind. You are not a horrible person.

His talk about going to therapy is amazing too. It’s so inspiring. It has encouraged me to want to go back to the therapy because of my recent increase in violent intrusive thoughts.

Oh my goodness, Patton’s realisation and development. This is lovely. 

You tickle me, emo!

...was that a tickle me elmo reference

Good seeing you again, Virgil! It was just like old times!

Me:

Me:

Me: wAIT A MINUTE--

Oh shut up, Nerdy Wolverine! NO! Ugh...I mean...I’m sorry, Logan. I didn’t mean that.

THERE’S SO MUCH CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT IN THIS EPISODE I CAN’T DEAL

Thomas: You’re really...cool.

Logan: ...heh.

Me: ACTUALLY SOBBING

THESE TWIN BROTHERS OH MY GOODNESS YES

It shows you...everything you don’t want to be.

There are some really hard hitting lines in this episode.

I’m a little disappointed in myself.

The others. I thought I knew how to handle them.

Yeah, but, I should know better.

Because I was one of them.

Virgil being insecure about his power and how much he can protect Thomas almost makes me cry. That last line...oh my goodness. Thomas and his team really know how to write a narrative. It seems that we’re gonna get some lore and backstory at some point after all.

Thomas and his team have done such a good job with this episode. It is my favourite Sanders Sides by far because of the fact that this topic has not really been talked about much, and they talked about it and showed what it’s like so brilliantly. I respect Thomas so much for pushing the boundaries of his channel to talk about this. Thank you, Thomas. I and and so many people needed this.

I realise that I need to go back to therapy. Thank you, Logan for encouraging me.

[myvelouri]

I have to write this

I just can't believe another guy had you in the way that was meant for just me. You said we were exclusive. How could you conveniently forget. Scratch that, how could you even want to flirt with another guy, want another guy when I'm seeing you every night after we finally got together for real after you already betrayed me.

I was there, fighting to be with you because I felt I owed it to you since you fought for me SO hard and chased me SO hard even though I said I couldn't be with you in the beginning and tried not to be. You came at me so hard. You went from saying things like you want to pay for my college to then suddenly cheating on me. But yeah I waited every day, to talk to you, we were in a strong relationship and you overnight went behind my back to an ex and got feelings for him. Blindsided and dumped me for him. Weeks of torture and you talking to him and me talking to you. The worst things I heard, many traumatizing moments. But finally you knew you wanted me really badly. You were suffering without me as you knew you wanted me finally. You missed me that day I left you alone.

You told me you wanted to be official with me and said you'll be honest about everything and not go behind my back again. Since you went behind my back and video chatted an ex which I told you was not even okay as I broke up with you for it before, yet, you fought so hard to be with me and made compromises.

You wanted me tremendously. We started doing us again. Gifts for each other, nights where you surprised me with candles and you in lingerie. We cuddled, made love, joked, tried to get over what you just did to me. But you made it seem like you didn't really go back to your ex and you convinced me that you loved me. I was just extremely disappointed and now scared of you. Because how could someone who wanted me this bad just suddenly go behind my back at all and then break up with me. You said you felt guilty for having feelings for me and him so you left. But I remember a lot. You really wanted to go back to him. You said he was never gonna be an issue.

But he was. I knew it.

But forget that. My trust for you died a little. But not completely, not even close. I still had a lot of trust.

So we kept being together, you're the one who said we were exclusive, you got upset and had a shocked reaction when I asked if we were together or seeing other people or what "together" means. You said "we're EXCLUSIVE!" and the thought of me being with someone else obviously wasn't okay with you and I felt reassured. I felt we were still together. I mean, we were. In a relationship. Just slowed it down. We agreed to have a slower relationship... Like I wanted in the beginning. Hell, you forced me into a relationship hard and fast. To begin with. Which was also unfair. For you to do this.

But we were together! And then suddenly, a guy hits on you, creepily. You went to get your laptop fixed and you had a moment with him. A cute moment. You both laughed. I joked that you'd be hit on and you're cute so maybe you could use your looks to get your laptop fixed for a cheaper price. I was totally kidding. And you were saying you're not cute at all. I was being such a good boyfriend to you and said you're super cute, super amazing. But this guy... He sent you a text saying you were really cute. ... ... He got your number from the SYSTEM at the store. How fucking creepy is that. You sent me the screenshot.

I was like "that's creepy! But I told you you were cute!" And you responded in a weird way. So I asked "did you text him back?!" And you made it seem like how could I think you'd text him back. And I felt bad, I said to myself omg I should have trusted her, of course she wouldn't have texted him. Of course not. You lied to me. You lied.

I found out you were texting him when I saw you that day. His name was in the text you sent, in the screenshot. But you didn't have his number saved

But as we were goofing off in person, I saw your phone blow up. I saw the screen and you told me to check if it was your mom. Instead, I saw HIS name. I was like "you... Saved his number?" And you said "who? Oh that's not him. That's so and so" and you said that 3-4 times as I kept saying "um, no.. that's the guy... You... Saved his number?" And I was getting anxiety, triggered. And I actually trusted you so much that I was like, in okay maybe it's a different person with the same name... But I was like "that's the same name..." And you finally let up and said "yeah.. it's him..." And I said "why would you save his number?..." And I saw the text said something that was a response, saying something about his hobbies and asking her for her hobbies. Clearly they were having a huge conversation. I was freaking out. I said I'm done. I can't with her. We're finished... This is too much. Too much... Too many times now... Too much hurt.

And I said I wanted to see the texts. And you said no, are you sure, no. But you offered it I think. I said okay fine show me. And you didn't want to. You finally gave in. And you looked full of guilt. And you said "you're gonna hate me..." And I saw you pull out your phone, you said you only texted him 3 times. So I was expecting 3-6 texts max. But you scrolled up so far into the conversation thread, omg it went forever, I saw paragraphs from each of you, I saw emojis, I saw so much flirty shit it seemed, playfulness, I didn't even read, I said no, out it away, that's enough of an answer, THAT much amount of texting, wow, no. And I asked if you flirted and you said "a little..." And I said no. I can't.

I can't.

I can't believe you would do this

I couldn't

I wonder how far the flirting went.

Also she said that when she went in to get her laptop fixed, she went back to her car and put on lip gloss and makeup and went back to him to flirt with him. She played it off by saying she wanted a cheap price so she wanted to use her looks. This was my joke from earlier. Except she actually did it. DUDE she ACTUALLY went BACK into her car, put on lip gloss, MAKE UP, went BACK TO THIS GUY, and flirted with him

Holy shit

That's probably why he went full creep-mode and got her number from the system.

I just

And then they...

Why would I take her back?

My feelings for her have died and I'm so enraged that they died because I wasn't ready for them to go. They go by themselves, it's cause of her! My heart does what it does! But I'm noticing all the cute shit she does and says, her personality quirks, all her behaviors that would make my heart flutter, all the things that made me go "AWW" AND EVERYTHING THAT MADE ME ADORE HER NO LONGER HAVE ANY EFFECT ON ME!! HOW DARE YOU HURT ME SO BAD THAT MY FEELINGS DIE! You weren't supposed to be the one capable of this.

You're the one who promised loyalty so fucking hard. Cause I was leaving you for far less and you knew what not to do, knew what I was sensitive to. And you thought I was the sweetest guy ever, best guy you've ever had.

Yet you still hurt me badly.

You even said you wanted to flirt with another guy (s) before you got into a serious relationship with me forever. Wtf do you think I am? You think I'd want you after you gave yourself to another guy? After you hoe around? I said if you want to do that just go ahead and live how you'd like.. but I'm leaving. I'm not judging. You be you. It's okay. I swear. But definitely don't hurt me, you fucked me over.

I can't stand this

This pain

You fucking loved me so hardcore. You would come see me everyday on your lunch break from work. You said how I was such an upgrade from your ex. You said you didn't know how I'm so comfortable to be with. You said no one's ever made you this happy. You still say that shit. But I don't believe you. And now I have zero trust for you. None. It's all gone.

You cheated, you lied, you took me for granted. And you went behind my back twice. And you broke my heart once already, and now you broke it again

You feel guilty and anxiety everyday now. It's been 2 weeks.

I'm not over it.

You again were fighting hard to be with me. Spoiling me. But I don't trust it.

As well, you've leaned back some, and you seem to be okay with me not being with you suddenly

Your emotions are unstable, girl.

I still love you, honey

But

You killed me.

I don't know if I can stay.

[lovecrazyjennybear]

At the Police

Summary: What happens while Virgil is at the police. (Takes place during chapter 20 of @fearfilledvirgil Ivity and Anx story so read that first!)

Warnings: Police Station. Cursing, Mentions of Abuse, Blood, Scars, Self-Destructive Thoughts

Word Count: 5033

Pairing: None  A/N: @fearfilledvirgil helped write this fic. It takes place in their amazing world and story so please read Ivity and Anx! Also they are an amazing human all around so maybe go say hi!

Virgil sat in the room, waiting for the detective to come in. He put up his strong persona again to keep himself from falling apart. His worry and fear were starting to drill into his mind. He had to keep it together the best he could. The door opened and it took Virgil everything to not jump out of his seat.

“Virgil Sanders?” Virgil nodded at the detective. “Hello. I’m Detective Tanya Davis. I was given some papers from one of my colleagues. I was wondering if you would be willing to help me understand them better.” “S-sure.” She doesn’t believe you Virgil. You being weak like this isn’t helping anything either! Stop being so stupid! No one will believe you. That’s why you’re being asked to explain those papers. You’re a fucking idiot for thinking that anyone would believe you.

She sat in the chair opposite of Virgil and laid the papers on the table. Virgil’s curiosity got the better of him and he looked at the date on one, noticing it was Logan’s neat handwriting. May 13th glared back at him. This was the day his father broke his rib.

Tanya lifted that paper and scanned it, her face never changing expression. In that moment, Virgil was never so happy that he’d put his guard up. He would be shaking in his seat or having a complete break down. Instead, he watched the detective closely. Her eyebrows were knitted together as she read. After a few moments she looked up at Virgil. There was a concerned look in her eyes, but Virgil didn’t notice. He was too busy thinking she was looking at him because she doubted him. “Mr. Sanders, please explain what happened on May 13th, 2016.” That was not a tone of voice Virgil could disobey. He’d heard Logan use something similar when he was determined to get information out. “My father broke my rib.” Virgil couldn’t help the coldness in his tone. His hoodie and that tone of voice were two major things that kept his wall up. “And why would he do that?” “I didn’t make dinner in time.” Virgil didn’t miss how her position shifted. “Care to explain more?” “No.” Tanya sighed. “Alright. What about what happened February 23rd of 2012?” Virgil noticed the time jump. It seemed like she had some of the worst experiences he had. That was the first time he asked Logan to stitch him up. He remembered how freaked out Logan looked when he showed up at his house, bleeding for the second time. The terrified look on young Logan’s face grew worse when Virgil told him his father was pissed because he’d gone to the hospital. He couldn’t bring himself to tell Logan what his father did because of how pissed he was however. Logan did his best to stop the bleeding while he looked up how to do surgical stitches. They were slow and painful and they left a pretty bad scar but Virgil couldn’t complain. “I was cut with a broken bottle.” Virgil moved his hands to make his hoodie paws. “Where were you cut?” “Arm.” Tanya was starting to believe Virgil less and less. The vague answers he was giving made it appear to her that he was making it up and giving as little detail as possible to not contradict the detailed stories his friends were able to make up. The other option was that he was under extreme duress and fearing any consequences. She truly hoped for option two but she had to rule out the first one. “Mr. Sanders. I apologize, but I do not believe you. You’re giving me vague answers, and your fidgeting, and not looking me in the eye. Those are signs of lying.” Of course she doesn’t believe you. No one is going to fucking believe you, Virgil. You’re such an idiot. And nothing you can do is going to make her change her mind. No, for the first time, Virgil wanted to fight against his inner demon. He knew nothing he could say would make her change her mind but there was one thing he could do. But it meant tearing down the wall he built up. Without giving himself time to back down, Virgil stood quickly, shoving his chair back and as he pulled up his sleeve. He thrust his arm out to the detective almost violently, showing her the patchwork of scars. “Is this something I would fucking make up? Why the fuck would I put myself through the pain of all of these fucking scars just to fucking lie?” Anger fueled his words, as well as fear. “Do you want to see the fucking new stitches on my arm? Or maybe I fucking call the guy who had a doctor friend come out so they can fucking tell you they had to fucking fix me.” Virgil was seething, his nostrils flaring, and eyes wide in anger, fear, and uncertainty.

Tanya didn’t know what to do with the young man in front of her. He looked more like a cornered animal than a person. She also keep her eyes on the array of scars that covered his arm. There wasn’t an inch of skin that didn’t have a scar of some sort. They varied in size from very small, less than a centimeter, to nearly circling his arm. She saw faint ones and more noticeable ones as well.

Despite her shock something was nagging at her. Suddenly her mind made the connection. He said the new stitches. Holy crap, Tanya. Get it together. She knew she was out of her league with Virgil. She’d never dealt with someone who had gone from one extreme to the other before. She knew that Amanda would be able to help her, so she collected the papers in front of her and stood. “Pardon me a moment, Mr. Sanders.” Tanya walked out of the room.

Virgil stood there for a moment, watching the space the detective just left. All of a sudden, he felt a weight fall over his body. He slumped back into the chair, glad it didn’t tip over when he shoved it back. His whole body began shaking as the adrenaline he felt raced from him. A sob escaped Virgil’s lips, to his surprise. Quickly he pulls his sleeve back down and puts his head in his hands. You got to get it together, Virgil. You can’t be like this. You can’t fucking be weak now. Virgil was left alone in the room for several minutes, his thoughts eating at him.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the one-way glass, Tanya stood with another woman. They both were watching Virgil intently, but the new woman did so with a cocked head and soft eyes. She studied his mannerisms as he waited, his head in his hands and leg bouncing heavily. When he sat up again, she visually picked apart his nervous fidgeting and small sneers to himself every now and them.

“You think he’s lying about abuse, right?” the woman asked, her voice low and soft.

“Yes. He wouldn’t give me anything but small answers, wouldn’t make eye contact, and kept fidgeting with something inside his pocket. All signs of liars.” Tanya responded, back still rigged.

“Have you thought about how all three of those are also tells of anxiety? Or stress caused by talking about a traumatic experience?”

“Oh.” Was the last thing said between the two women for many moments more before the unknown lady nodded and went for the door.

Suddenly the door opened, causing him to jump. The detective was standing there, but there was another unknown woman as well. The woman was fairly young, no older than thirty. There was one thing that surprised Virgil about her. She didn’t have the same air of authority as the detective. “Mr. Sanders this is Doctor Amanda Young. She is a behavioral specialist. I believe that she will be able to help us understand each other better to help with the rest of the statement process.” Tanya explained bluntly. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Amanda said softly. “Yeah.”

“Mr. Sanders-” “Don’t fucking call me that.” Virgil’s tone was cold once again. “I’m sorry,” The sincerity in Amanda’s voice surprised Virgil enough to look up at the specialist. “Would you prefer I call you Virgil?” Still stunned, Virgil nodded. “I understand you’ve gone through some pretty extreme circumstances in the past but we’re wanting to help you. I know opening up is hard but it will help you. Talking about traumatic things can help some people move on from them.” Virgil couldn’t believe that she wanted to help so much. She didn’t even know him. “I’d rather not.”

“Virgil, I know it’s hard to talk about. And I can’t blame you for not wanting to.” Amanda thought for a moment. “We have a few animals around that help relax people during questionings. Would you like me to bring one in?” “You can do that?” A lot of Virgil’s wall crumbled when he realized the specialist just wanted to help. Amanda nodded. “A lot of times they come in to help children and people who have bad anxiety over whatever happened. I’d be more than happy to bring one in for you.” “I-I’d like that.” “Would you prefer a cat or a dog?” “Wait, you have a therapy cat? Aren’t cats antisocial?” “A lot of them are. But Muffin isn’t. She’s actually quite an affectionate cat, which surprises many people.” “It surprised the fuck out of me.” Virgil was about to ask if she would bring in Muffin but then remembered Ivity telling him that his best friend was allergic. Figuring that friend meant Patton, Virgil decided against it. “Could- could you bring in a dog? One of my friends is allergic to cats and we came in his car.” “Of course. Just give me one moment.” Amanda stood and walked out of the room. Virgil slumped against the chair slightly, not completely putting down the wall since Tanya was still in the room. He hoped that the specialist’s kindness wasn’t a trick. Something about the way she spoke to him made him believe she wasn’t that heartless but his dark thoughts were still trying to convince him otherwise. In the back of his mind he remembered that Logan told him on the ride over the police worked on facts. As long as he told them the facts it would work out. That helped calm his racing mind a little. Virgil couldn’t help but jump a little yet again when the door opened. Amanda stood in the doorway with a beautiful dog. The dog was mostly golden in color but there was streaks of gray throughout it’s fur, but it was clear it wasn’t caused by old age. One eye was an icy blue the other was brown. It was obvious that the dog was a Husky mix. Based on the gold color, Virgil guessed that the other part was Golden Retriever. One other thing that caught Virgil’s attention was the raised scar on the muzzle. “This here is Sasha. She’s a Goberian. That’s a mix of Golden Retriever and Husky. She’s about 5 years old, and she’s a rescue.” Amanda told him. “She’s a lovable little girl and a great hugger.”

Sasha gazed up onto Virgil from where she was, lower to the ground. Her tail started wagging slowly in anticipation, pulling slightly on Amanda’s hold. She could basically feel the anxious energy vibrating off of Virgil, and she wanted to cuddle him and that was final.

Virgil moved to the edge of the seat and slowly held his hand down for her. Amanda moved to allow Sasha to sniff his hand. Sasha then licked his hand, then used her muzzle to move it onto the top of her head. A faint smile tugged on Virgil’s lips as he gently scratched her ears. There was a knock on the door. Tanya moved to answer it as another detective stepped in. “Miss Young, I’m sorry to interrupt but have you seen Sasha? Ria is here to answer some more questions, and she’s scared again and-” They stopped mid sentence when they saw Virgil petting the dog in question. “I’m sorry.” “It’s quite alright.” Amanda said. “You should take her to Ria.” Virgil said softly. “I’m sorry?” “Ria sounds like she needs Sasha more than I do. They sound like they have a special connection.” Amanda couldn’t help the pride in her heart at his sacrifice of comfort. However, she felt concern there as well. How often had this young man put aside his needs to keep others safe? “Are you sure?” Virgil nodded. “Yeah.” “Thank you, sir,” The detective told him. “I know it will mean a lot to her.” “Come on, Sasha,” Amanda said. “We need to see Ria.” Sasha didn’t move for a moment, instead pulling free of Amanda’s hold and put her paws on Virgil’s legs. She then licked his face a couple times before dropping back to the ground and going to sit at Amanda’s feet. Virgil couldn’t help the smile that formed on his face. Amanda gently took the leash once again and followed the detective out.

Now alone again with just Detective Davis, Virgil made it his mission to find all the scratches on the silver table in front of him. He didn’t want to look up at her, mostly because he was still highly mentally kicking himself for his outburst earlier. He couldn’t believe that he actually showed her his arm, but here he was being stared down like he was some kind of wounded animal. He crossed his arms in front of his chest, determined not to make an outburst like that again.

Moment after moment alone with the detective was still filled with unbearable silence, which made Virgil internally cringe. It was very reminiscent of earlier, before any questions were asked, as Tanya flipped through the papers at her disposal again. Thankfully though, a few moments later the door reopened. This caused Tanya to look over to it, but Virgil kept his gaze mostly on the table before him, arms still crossed in a defensive stance. What he could see out of his peripheral vision, though, was that Dr. Young was standing at the door.

“One moment, I’m helping with getting a statement.” Virgil vaguely was able to hear the doctor say to someone out in the hall. It took several more moments for the door to close again. (Virgil didn’t see this part, but he suspected that she was talking to whoever was in the hall. In reality, half of that time was Amanda not-so-subtly attempting to decipher what Virgil’s body position meant in relation to how he was feeling.)

“So sorry about that,” Amanda softly sat back down at the table, looking very more relaxed then the tension-carrying detective. “Now, Virgil, would you mind just uh,” she paused again, looking at the papers that Tanya held from an odd angle, “Telling me who Logan Brian is?”

Virgil visually slackened at the question. Literally, he struggled, fell into even worse posture in the chair, and removed his arms across his shoulders. He put his hands back in his pocket, back where the thick ever-so-trusting fiddling string was. “He’s my best friend. More like a brother. Helped me with… he made the notes and shit in real time.”

Tanya nodded her head along with Virgil, pursing her lips and taking mental note of that. She assumed that the papers she got was his own handwriting from merely a few days prior, recording the injuries that happened to him. Evidently, she was wrong. “Any connection to James Arthur Brian? The lawyer?” Tanya asked in the realization that she hadn’t actually paid any mind to this Logan character.

“His dad.” Virgil was back to the shortest answers he could possibly give. He felt even more uneasy now, considering the fact that Tanya seemed to have some sort of emotions toward Mr. Brian. Or at least, that’s what her voice sounded like. Did he ever talk about him to her? The bully and closed off freak who was best friends with his son?

Without any sort of warning at all, a small creature jumped into Virgil’s lap. He started panicking momentarily, throwing his arms into the air and over his face as an instinctive reaction. He took several hyperventilation breaths in quick succession, before his brain caught up with his still open eyes. There, in his lap, looking innocently up at him was a fairly chubby grey tabby cat. Their soft green eyes looked up at Virgil as if to say, ‘Are you okay? Did I scare you? You done panicking?’

“Oh!” Amanda laughed, a smile on her lips at the antics of the cat. She did, however, file away Virgil’s initial reaction to the tabby jumping up on his lap, as did Tanya. “Virgil, this is Muffin. She basically roams free in the precinct, so she must have slipped in.”

Virgil, on the other hand, was not paying attention to Amanda. His eyes were locked on with the cat’s, staring deep into them. The thing was, the cat was staring back. She moved her head so the top of it could brush against Virgil’s elbow. It was then that he realized that his arms were still up in defense around his face. Slowly, he lowered them, awkwardly hanging them at his sides. What was he supposed to do with his hands when a cat was in his lap? Muffin apparently picked up on this, as she got herself settled on his lap, then looked back up at him with a questioning meow. When Virgil didn’t do whatever the cat must have wanted, she meowed again, but this time louder.

“She wants pets.” Tanya stated the normally coo-esk type statement as a fact, but there was no denying that there was a small smile toying on the sides of her lips.

Virgil, still with a heavily furrowed brow, began to brush his fingers through Muffin’s medium length hair. He let a ghost of a smile flash on his lips, a rush of joy jolting through him. It had been a while since he pet a cat, and it reminded him of soft autumn days. He continued to pet the animal who now looked very comfortable sitting on Virgil’s black jeans.

“Virgil. Would you please tell me what happened on May 13th?” Amanda’s voice was gentle but firm. Virgil took a deep breath and stared down at the table in front of them. He tried to find his voice several times before he could say anything. As he was about to give up he felt a rough wetness on the palm of his hand. Looking down, Virgil noticed that the cat was licking his hand. There was still a knowingness in those green eyes that showed the cat knew what it was doing was calming. Virgil took another deep breath and tried again. “I had gotten home from school late. I had to stay after to finish an assignment,” Virgil was amazed as how strong his voice seemed once he was able to start talking. He guessed the little animal in his hands helped. “When I walked in the door, my father was standing in the kitchen. He heard the door and turned to me, moving to stand right... right in front of me. He demanded to know where I was because dinner hadn't been started yet, but told him that I had to do something for school and it would never happen again but.. he grabbed my arm really tight and, and shook me. He told me that it’d better not ever happen again if I knew what was ‘good’ for me. I said again that it wouldn’t happen again but... Then he threw me down against the edge of the door frame. I felt a horrible pain in my side. It was nearly so bad that I might have blacked out for a few seconds?” Virgil paused, but was spurred on by Muffin rubbing her head against Virgil’s hand. Her presence and movements was making it easy to distract himself from what he was talking about.

“But I couldn’t for longer than that. He was waiting for dinner. So I struggled against the nausea to make something. When he got his food, and when the dishes were done of course, I snuck out and walked a little bit from my house before calling Logan. I asked if he could come get me, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to make that walk without blacking out fully. He told me to find somewhere to sit that wasn’t the ground--I did, eventually--and he’d be there as fast as he could. He came and picked me up to take me back to his house, checked me over the best he could, and learned how to wrap ribs to ease the pain and help with the healing. He knew that uh.. That he couldn’t take me to the hospital.” “Why couldn’t he take you to the hospital?” Tanya asked, her voice more like soil now than sand. “I couldn’t afford it. And the one time I did go to get stitches, I used my insurance card and my father found out.”

“What happened when he found out?” Virgil didn’t answer her, instead just focusing on where Muffin liked to be pet the most. Amanda put a hand out to stop Tanya from saying anything else. “Virgil, take your time. If it’s easier you can tell it to the cat,” Virgil couldn’t help the chuckle of disbelief. “You’d be amazed how easy that is if you’d just try it.” Looking down at the gray ball of fur curled up on his lap, Virgil felt like he could actually tell this cat anything and it would know what to do. You’re fucking insane for considering talking to a cat. “He ripped the stitches out. He didn’t physically do it himself, but he made me keep moving my arm to try and protect myself until they ripped.” Amanda’s face was full of concern and pity. Virgil hated seeing the pity in other people's eyes towards him. He kept his eyes trained on the cat, petting her as a way to distract himself. “Mr S- I’m sorry, Virgil. Would you tell us about February 23rd?” Tanya asked, her voice still firm but less demanding than before. Virgil closes his eyes for a moment. “He… he broke a whiskey bottle on the, on the counter and came after me with it. He said my, he said that my music was too loud. But I had headphones in. It, It couldn’t have been that loud.” He felt Muffin’s tongue against his arm followed by a loud purr.

“Then what happened?” “He c-… he cut me with the bottle. Along my forearm. I-I ran to Logan.. House, Logan’s house, the first chance that I, that I got,” Virgil felt the tightness in his chest as the memory of Logan’s expression flashed in his mind once again. “I told him that I couldn’t go to the hospital again,” Virgil heard the quickness of his voice and tried to slow down his speech. “He looked so panicked. I couldn’t blame him; It was something that, that needed stitches. But Logan, he’s… he’s smart and doesn’t like being told something can’t be done. So he uh, he took me to his room and pulled up some, some videos on how to do surgical stitches. He tried to make everything as sanitary as possible. He soaked things in hot water or in….fuck,” Virgil paused his petting of Muffin to make a pathetic gesture with his uninjured arm. “The shit that comes in a brown bottle? It’s kind of square-ish shaped.” “Peroxide?” Amanda supplied. “That’s the stuff. Logan was as careful and, and fucking meticulous as he could be, but it wasn’t that good. It did it’s job, but it wasn’t clean. Or straight, really. That, that’s what caused the most raised scar.” For some reason, Virgil couldn’t bring himself to look at the detective or specialist. Instead, he focused his eyes on the gray puffball that was now sleeping soundly in his lap. However in doing so, he missed the look that Amanda gave Tanya. Tanya knew that look well. It was basically a look of “told you so”. Amanda had been right about Virgil not lying since what he was saying matched up with the notes given. “Excuse me for a moment.” Tanya stood and walked out the door. Virgil closed his eyes when he heard the door close, almost as if his last chance of being taken seriously had left with the detective. She still doesn’t believe you Virgil. How fucking stupid are you for thinking she would? She made up her mind the minute she saw you. Fucking idiot. Stupid. He squeezes his eyes closed even tighter. “Virgil,” Amanda’s soft voice started Virgil enough to look up at her. “Would you take a deep breath for me? I know this has to be terrifying and a lot for you.” “That’s a fucking understatement of the year.” Virgil shot back, but doing as she requested. “But I believe that you’re not lying.” “You do?” Don’t get your fucking hopes up. This is a rouse you fucking idiot.

“I do.”

Tanya stood in an empty conference room with two other detectives. “Thank you for meeting me here.” “No problem,” One of the detectives, a stocky woman with her black hair pulled into a bun answered. “What Mr. Brian told me was surprising and concerning. So seeing how his story lined up would be interesting.” “Mr. Heart didn’t know much it seemed. However he informed me he’d only met Mr. Sanders a few days ago.” The last detective said. They were tall and slender with sandy-blond hair and icy gray eyes that pierced through nearly anyone’s persona. “Alex, did Mr. Heart say anything about the first time Mr. Brian stitched Mr. Sanders up?” “He did. He said that he noticed a very jagged and raised scar on Mr. Sanders’ arm. He knew that Mr. Sanders didn’t want to speak about any of his scars so he texted Mr. Brian about it.” Tanya nodded, knowing from Virgil that it was his most raised scar. “And what about you, Betty? What did you find out?” “Mr. Brian was very detailed about that day. He explained how Virgil, sorry, Mr. Sanders had once again shown up at his door bleeding. It was only the second time he’d gone to his house. He explained how Mr. Sanders had has an extreme panic attack over going back to the hospital, during so he incoherently stuttered about punishment for going the last time. Mr. Brian then explained how he did the best to put pressure on the wound while he looked up information using websites and videos on how to do surgical stitching. He soaked everything that he used, the needle and thread in hot water and peroxide as well as some gauze used to clean the wound. He tried to be as careful and precise as possible, but it was his first time so it didn’t heal properly.” “What about you, Tanya?” Alex inquired. “Does what he told you match up to what Mr. Sanders said himself?” “After calling in Amanda and Muffin sneaking in and sitting on Mr. Sanders’s lap I got a straight story out of him. And it matches up.” “If you want, Betty and I can go make the arrest while you finish up your interrogation.” Alex offered. “Thank you. I think that would be best.” They nodded and left to get the keys to the cruiser. Betty put a hand on Tanya’s arm as she went to follow. With a sigh, Tanya returned to the interrogation room. She stood outside of the one way mirror and watched Amanda and Virgil. Virgil was watching the sleeping cat intently while Amanda was watching him just as intently. After a few moments she walked back inside.

This time Virgil didn’t jump as bad when the door opened. Maybe it was because of the quiet animal still sleeping on his lap. He still didn’t look up at the detective when she walked in and sat next to the specialist. Amanda looked at Tanya and raised an eyebrow. Tanya nodded her head slightly. “Mr S- Virgil. We compared what Mr Heart and Mr Brian have said and your story matches. Right now we have two detectives on their way to arrest your father.” Virgil’s eyes shot up to stare at Detective Davis. He wasn’t sure if he’d heard her correctly. No way anyone would believe him enough to go and take action against his father. There was no possible way that would happen. But in the way she was watching Virgil, he believed she wasn’t trying to manipulate him. Which meant that what she said was the truth. “Y-y-you are?” He asked, hating how weak his voice sounded. Tanya nodded. “We’ll have to do some follow up interviews but I believe we have done enough for today. Thank you Amanda for your help as well.” “You’re welcome. And if you want Virgil, I can try and have Muffin come into the room for your next interview.” Virgil gave a small nod. “I-if it’s not a bo-bother.” “Not at all. She roams around but usually she knows when someone needs her.” Virgil moved the sleeping cat in his arms before standing. Very gently he placed her onto the chair and turned to go. Remembering something just as his hand touched the handle, he turned and looked at Amanda. “Do you have the um...fuck. The shit that gets hair off?” A small smile played on Amanda’s face. “I do. Let me grab it for you.” She stood and left the room, returning a few moments later with a roll of the tape. “Here you are.” “Thanks” Virgil got to work removing as much of the hair as he could before walking out into the hallway where his friends were waiting.

[mininky]

   I'm feeling a bizarre need to wax nostalgic after talking to a client today. This will be very long and smattered with details that might seem unnecessary but I feel are needed to paint an accurate picture. This is the story about how I learned that shitting on fandoms makes you worse than however shitty you think that fandom is. Also, this does go over sensitive topics such as abuse so please read at your own risk.

   Years ago, in the olden days of myspace when only college students could use facebook and tumblr was most likely but a mere thought I had hit an odd time in my life. Puberty hit me like a freight train the summer before I was to start high school. I had always been a very, very small child. I was the runt of the litter, born barely over three pounds, and that continued most of my life. Until right before high school. Prior to the sudden thrust into young adulthood, I had been small enough to still fit into most of my kindergarten clothes, I was just that small. Also, most of my clothes were thrift finds that were slightly too big, so that did have a part to play in this. And then came that summer, the summer from hell. For the first time I weighed over 100 pounds, and I'm pretty sure my rapidly growing chest was honestly what helped tip that scale. I went from not needing a training bra (whatever the fuck those are for) to suddenly being a full C and still growing, grew about four inches over summer, and had old ladies telling me I had child birthing hips at church (which can I just add is really fucking creepy to say to a fucking child.) (Not to mention the sudden learning of catcalls and creepy adult men.)

   I can distinctly remember around the fourth time I told my mother in a period of about three months I didn't fit the bra she literally bought just the month prior her breaking down and saying that she couldn't afford to keep getting new ones. Luckily I worked at a used bookstore and while I was only paid in books (it was honestly a great deal for me) the owner felt so bad when I told her this she gave me a couple hundred bucks cash. That was when I first learned that tits are fucking expensive.

   As with all young teenagers entering into high school I was scared shitless. I had somehow managed to convince my parents to allow me to enroll in a small art school that was a serious commute from our house. Considering that the public school I was supposed to go to had serious gang violence issues as well as a few cops who had been killed there recently, for once in their terrible parenting career they agreed with me. So here I was on the first day of high school surrounded by a bunch of kids I'd never met before, with a new body that didn't even feel like mine, in a part of town that I'd never been to. Now, being the new kid wasn't new to me. I'd played my role as the new kid more than a dozen times at this point in my academic career, and I was usually able to just hide quietly in a corner and either be bullied or ignored by the world. But high school felt like a new chance. And an arts school at that. Until I realized that the office fucked up all of my classes and somehow, instead of being placed in creative writing I got placed in dance.

   Now let me explain a bit of background on this school. It was god awful in almost every way shape and form. Anarchy comes close to describing how this school ran. The principal snorted coke frequently throughout the day, most of the students would just leave classes to go hang out, drugs were a serious problem. And I'm not talking about kids coming in rolling or slightly high, no I mean you want it someone has it. Whatever you fancy. But the dance program? Best. In. The. State. Well known by scouts. I know people who went on to be in Cirque du Soleil and Julliard. That good. It was the only thing in this shithole of a school that brought in money and kept it running. Now there were other seriously amazing teachers, but they usually didn't last long because of Mr. snortsalotofwhitepowder.

   And here I was, with this awkward new body, riddled with anxiety, self-loathing, and teenage angst-fueled now stuck in this dance class with girls that had been dancing before they could fucking walk. Luckily there were two other girls who had never danced before. I was still the worst out of all of them. Now my dance teacher had a few rules. Anyone who wanted to dance could join her class, and everyone had to start from the beginning class no exceptions. There were no tryouts, no prior experience needed. The other rule? You never, ever, ever pressure someone into a weight range. Bodies can move in beautiful ways in all different forms was her philosophy.  And the last rule? No cussing. Which seemed like a lot of rules because, again, the school was verging on being run completely by drug-addled angst-filled teenagers.

   Now I hated this class before I ever stepped foot in it, at no fault of my teacher. I had always been horribly uncoordinated, and while some might have felt glee at rapid body changes I had found myself (like most young girls I think) incredibly uncomfortable at having to spend hours upon hours a week staring at this new form in freaking tights and a leotard in mirrors. I was also terrified of failing anything, and once again I seriously sucked at this class. I couldn't handle not being good at something when I thought I was finally going to a place where I could be...you know good and happy and accepted but the world had other cruel plans for me. But the biggest reason why I hated this class? My dance teacher, which again wasn’t really fair to her. To say I loathed her very existence that first quarter doesn't really begin to describe just how much I wanted to see her spontaneously burst into flames and be gone from my life. She ruled with an iron fist, which shouldn't be surprising considering that she was an award-winning ballerina and modern dancer who was Russian classically trained, had a six-pack on her six-pack and possibly ate nails for breakfast. (I would later find out that her eating habits were terrible and she rarely touched a vegetable.)  

   It wasn't unusual for there to be a lot of screaming from the dance teacher. One of my favorite lines to repeat from her is, "My dead grandmother can plie better than you from her coffin!" Lots of screaming, lots of failing, lots of crying from other girls. I was one of the few who never broke. I may have been a terrible dancer who looked like a newborn gazelle but I lived in a verbally and physically abusive home. Screaming was something I had learned to tune out by the time I was six. As long as there wasn't a phonebook near me I could hold my own. No, I hated her more because I was forced into her class and she couldn't let me slide just because I didn't want to be there. I mean, there was no slack at all for any of us, even the inexperienced.

   But one day, my hatred for my dance teacher morphed into a surge of platonic love/idolization. And my hatred for dance would suddenly turn into this need to turn it (and my new awkward body) into my bitch. I had left my script in the changing room and needed to get it before practice started. My teacher had her own performance coming up and was practicing to Radiohead's 'exit music.' I had never seen anything like this. It was a story written by a body. One of pain and love and misery. One that spoke to my angsty soul. This was the first time that I cried in public. I mean it was really just her and I, but it was at school so I think it counts. I will still swear up and down to this day that there is no greater dancer than her. When she moves it's like you have to listen, not watch, listen. I wanted that, I wanted to be able to turn my stories into dances. If I couldn't have my creative writing class I'd turn dance into a new form of writing.

   After that, I started spending all of my free time in that room. I was constantly practicing. I didn't care how badly bruised or bloody I was, I kept going. Dislocated my shoulder? Pop it in and keep moving, take some Advil later. But the real moment I knew that my dance teacher deserved all of my respect and idolization was a few things that would follow. When she realized that I was spending most of my time crashing on friends couches and didn't have money for lunch she would stash food for me. When she realized that I had horrible periods and would go through boxes each cycle she kept extra pads and tampons in the locker room for anyone along with a giant bottle of Midol. When I had been out for about two weeks because my father beat the shit out of me and nearly killed me and a teacher threatened to not allow makeup exams because 'it was my choice to not be in school' she must have realized something was up in my home because I'm not sure what was said or even how she knew but I've heard from various sources and all I can say is that in the middle of a class my dance teacher burst in and threatened that teacher into allowing me my makeup exams.

   She might have ruled with an iron fist and spent most of time in class screaming AGAIN, MY GOD JUST DO WHAT I SHOWED YOU, AGAIN but she was most certainly the best adult I had ever known at that point. On some days after class, she would even listen to songs I was choosing to choreograph to and we would spend time talking about bands that she used to see and her favorite music. She had seen Type O and Nirvana live, she actually liked WhiteChapel and Tupac and she had all these really bizarre tastes in music just like me and my little weird goth girl who grew up in underprivileged neighborhood heart sang each time we made a musical match because no one listened to both metal and rap at that time and holy cow someone else thinks that Bone Thugs is great but also really digs Dolly Parton and MCR? I was sure that nothing could knock her off the pedestal in my heart I had made for her. Not even when I found out she smoked, or ate McDonalds constantly, or actually cussed like a sailor outside of school. No that just made her cooler and more human to me. That is...until I found out that she loved Twilight.

   Now I had tried reading Twilight and I thought that comparing it to a flaming pile of garbage would be an insult to all landfills. I could see my world shatter around me. I had felt betrayed. Until later that night when I lay on yet another friend's couch recalling that moment. She had overheard me making a comment about how disgusting the book was. "Can you believe they're turning that shitshow into a movie?" Probably something about how the total audience IQ was lower than average combined and some other very very meanspirited bitchy stuff that still causes me pain today. And then swooped in my dance teacher from nowhere, "I like the books. I can't wait for the movie. Things don't always have to be good, or what you like. They can just be fun. You don't have to ruin it for others." Hours later I would realize that I had betrayed my dance teacher, not the other way around. I had done the very thing most people did to me, I shit all over one of the things she loved. And I felt sick. I actually went to class early with her favorite soda to awkwardly mumble out an apology and she just laughed and said not to worry, but I realized then that she was right.

   Shitting all over a fandom makes you far, far shittier than however shitty you think the fandom is. Now listen, there are plenty of fandoms that I still internally go 'holy shit woah' but I will never, ever verbally say it. Because life is really short, and whatever you want to like, whatever gives you a second of joy even if it's the butt of every joke then who fucking cares? As long as no one else is being hurt because of it, then I say go for it. Listen, the older I've gotten the more I've realized that life just generally sucks. For the most part. That isn't the angsty teenager in me talking, that's the honest adult. It honestly does. But whatever small little thing that makes the cesspool of life seem interesting and it isn't hurting others in the process of enjoying it? Fucking awesome man! I'm happy for you! I'm glad you found something you like! And if someone shits all over whatever fandom you're in? Well, they're an asshole, and I hope that somehow they get stuck in my old dance class with my teacher so maybe at the very least she can scream in their face until they break.  

[manchestereyes]

my ii meet and greet experience

Okay. So. I’ve been going back and forth about posting this (and even writing it all out to begin with) because, well...it was a lot. I can’t begin to count all the emotions I felt that day (July 25th) but I’ve been feeling really down all week because I really, really wish I could do it all over again, get another chance. Doesn’t everyone?

But maybe writing it out can be that second chance.

I may not be able to do anything differently, but at least I can share my experience--and maybe a couple of you will enjoy reading about it too!

Anyway, fair warning here: I have a ridiculously good memory and I’m a rambler, so this is gonna be long. If that’s not your cup of tea, go ahead and move along. But if it is...well, here we go.

Before I start, I feel like I should explain why I never really mentioned my VIP tickets on this blog besides right when I got them. Basically (as I’m sure a few of you know by now), they were resale which obviously comes at your own risk. Add some diagnosable anxiety and the fact that I didn’t get my tickets right away and, well...needless to say, I was a bit of a mess for three months whenever my II date popped in my mind. But I wanted this more than anything. Maybe I “cheated” my way into getting it, but that was my money to spend. And in the end, it was SO worth it.

In the week before my show, though, my mood completely turned around. It helped a lot that my friend Alexis was at the Schenectady show (4 days before mine) with VIP and said that her venue didn’t check for ID at all. Not to mention, the situation with the scammer at the Detroit show, where they still let in those people who were scammed anyway. Dan and Phil and Marianne really are wonderful. And I finally got my tickets three days before the show, which just made it so much more real.

This all led to the day of, where I was a MESS after spending 6 hours the day before handwriting my letter to Dan and Phil. That was a longie, too--2158 words according to Google Docs--so I’ll be incredibly impressed if they actually get through the whole thing. I like to talk about myself, alright? And shockingly enough, these two guys have had a pretty major impact on my life these last few years.

I forced myself to take things one step at a time, though, and somehow got through the morning and first couple hours of the afternoon. And then before I knew it, it was time to get my stuff together, order my Uber, and GO.

Holy shit.

The ride there was fine, save for the minor motion sickness I felt from furiously tapping away at my phone to make plans and scream with my friends. But I mean, that’s alright since it’s something I share with Phil--who I was going to see that night!!! (And possibly that afternoon too if everything worked out!) After about 30 minutes, I MADE IT TO THE VENUE and met @phillybops (Kayla) in line and the waiting game began.

Around 3:50, they finally let us into the venue and I swear my soul was ready to leave my body. But we weren’t even there yet since they obviously had to check our tickets. Thankfully, though, they didn’t check a single ID. I’m not sure if Dan and Phil have asked venues not to do that, or if it was just an isolated incident at the Philly venue (and maybe others? idk I haven’t paid super close attention) but regardless, the universe was on my side and I was so grateful.

The moment our tickets were checked and we were cleared to go through, though--I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so elated. Like, forget being on top of the world. I was in the freaking stratosphere. This thing that I had wished for, longed for so much in my lowest moments, that I had convinced myself wasn’t actually happening until that moment....was actually happening.

I was meeting Dan and Phil. Aka the two guys who literally changed my life these last few years. Excuse me, but what the FUCK???

I couldn’t get too excited, though, since there was a lot of waiting ahead. Like, almost a solid hour before the men of the hour arrived. But there was music and I had someone to talk to, as well as my phone to scroll through (even if my service inside the theatre was horrible) and there were a fair few people in front of me that I could people watch. The very first song they put on, by the way, was Nico and the Niners so, like...that’s already a sign that this was going to be amazing.

And then finally, FINALLY, at 4:50 PM....Dan and Phil arrived. There were maybe twenty or so people in front of me so I couldn’t see them that well but HOLY SHIT THEY’RE REAL THEY’RE HERE THEY’RE ACTUAL HUMANS WHAT.

Somehow in the commotion of my brain, I was able to register that Phil was wearing the Good Vibes shirt with the red jacket that we got to see in the Week in the Life video but Dan’s black denim jacket didn’t register for me at all. Thankfully, it did for Kayla, who informed me like a second later when I asked.

And then the meet and greet was starting. Hooooooly shiiiit.

With blood pumping in my ears and every nerve of my body set alight, all I could do was take deep breaths and force myself to focus on what I wanted to say to Dan and Phil. As long as I have a script to repeat to myself, I can regurgitate it in front of pretty much anyone and I don’t even sound robotic either. That’s what seven years of theater does for you, I suppose.

Despite all this, though, of course I was a nervous wreck. And we were near the front before we knew it, only about 20 minutes after the meet and greet had started.

I wasn’t able to really talk with Marianne since my brain was genuinely not working after catching a glimpse of both boys bending down to hug the person in front of me and it registered once again that they were REAL and RIGHT THERE and OH MY GOD. Marianne did end up tucking my ticket in the back of my journal, which I was a little upset about since I wanted them to sign that instead of the page I asked them to write a couple song lyrics on (because along with Dan and Phil, music is the most important thing in my life) but I was too scared to try to explain that and then....

It was time.

I can’t even tell you how many emotions I felt in that moment. It was both SO VERY real but not at all at the same time. Like, to this day, I still feel like it happened to someone else. Maybe because I became a different, slightly braver person up there. Anyway, my hugs were SO fast that I barely remember them (I was really jumpy and nervous so I sadly let go of Phil way too quickly but I do remember his hug was so WARM and GOOD and I’d do anything to feel it again). Dan said “Thank you so much for coming” and I probably replied with something like “Sure but oh my god thank YOU” (still eternally facepalming) to which he responded “Yes of course, would you like me to take a selfie for us?” in the smoothest (definitely practiced) voice while they signed my journal. Sadly, I can’t tell at all if they were doing the hand crossy thing in my video. Sorry fam.

I barely heard a word of what Dan said, however, since World War 3 was currently raging in my head. It was probably only two seconds that I stood silent but I swear it felt like an eternity as my brain was screaming at me to SAY THE WORDS--and I DID. In what felt to me like the most stuttery voice ever, I thanked them for everything their videos have done for me this year while I was having a super rough time battling anxiety and depression. I’m still a bit conflicted about this because, like, I TOLD THEM and that’s amazing but I feel like actually naming the conditions may have been a step too far since I haven’t actually been diagnosed. But like, I’ve read through the symptoms enough and taken enough online quizzes/screenings to know that, yeah, I pretty much fit the bill. Especially for anxiety.

Anyway. So I don’t think I was actually looking at them while I said this--not surprising, considering I’ve had issues with eye contact since I was at least 9 years old--but watching it back, I still can’t get over how Dan and Phil seemed so interested in what I had to say and like they wanted to listen. Which, for someone who’s been constantly interrupted and shut down/invalidated for most of their life, is huge. While Phil didn’t say much, he did make a little “Awww” sound which I don’t think I’ll ever forget and is probably the reason I’m convinced I accidentally made them feel bad for me. But we’ll get to that later.

(I should add in here that watching my meet and greet video back is the equivalent of Dan watching Hello Internet so APPRECIATE THAT I’M DOING THIS FOR YOU GUYS. Sorry. Just had to get that out.)

I then clarified it was because I transferred schools this year--although I completely forgot to tell them it was to basically follow my dream and my dream turned out to be a lot harder than I expected--and Dan said “Oh, that is hard” with the utmost sympathy that I can’t thank him enough for, even if I couldn’t explain my full situation. But then Dan added, so genuinely I still can’t believe it’s real, “Well we’re proud you came here today” (which has since become the number one thing I cling onto in my darkest moments so thank you, Dan)  while they both gave me huge smiles and my brain went SLKJDFLSKJDKLHGLSDJHGLJSFLSKHG WAIT THIS IS HAPPENING WTF I CAN’T HANDLE THIS ABORT ABORT. But like, god bless these boys for knowing how to handle our awkward asses since Dan asked again to take the selfies and thankfully it registered in my brain this time.

But of course there was another disconnect between my brain and my mouth, since I was all ready to ask to do the hand squeezy thing but...I couldn’t do it. I think because it was all happening so fast, the words just shriveled up on the tip of my tongue and my natural reaction was to just awkwardly throw my arms around them instead. Dan took 4 shots (which you can see here and here) and I thanked them again--honestly, I don’t know what I said more, “thank you” or “yeah”--and Dan said “I really hope you enjoy the show later” while both Phil and I looked at him with the mooniest eyes and, like...name a bigger mood. I’ll wait.

(Alright, alright, you can’t actually see Phil’s eyes in my video but like...judging by his profile and the way his head is tilted towards Dan and his cheekbones are pushed up in that wide-eyed smile we all know and love...yeah, I wouldn’t be surprised.)

And then I got ANOTHER Dan hug that properly killed me and Phil handed me my journal back and I gave him a half hug that I’m really never gonna forgive myself for. But I mean, I did have that journal tucked under my arm so like...I suppose it’s justified. But COME ON CLAIRE WTF??? Oh well. I thanked them like two more times after that and then Dan said “Well, thank you for coming to meet us! Bye for now!” and the best part of the whole thing happened: I said goodbye and told them to have a great day IN MY FREAKING CUSTOMER SERVICE VOICE HAHAHAHAHA FUCK ME.

In my defense, though, I do that with literally everyone. But like, I still find it hilarious I did it with actual Dan and Phil.

And then it was over and I jumped to the side, still shaking from tip to toe, to film Kayla’s experience, that feeling of floating in some kind of dream land still permeating my entire being.

Now that it’s been a week, though, I’ve had some time to think about the whole thing and as amazing and nearly perfect as it was, I do have some regrets. But doesn’t everyone?

The biggest one, though, the one that I’m still beating myself up over, is that what I did say didn’t come out the way I wanted it to. And that I really wish I had said more.

Here’s the thing: while Dan and Phil and their videos have played an integral role in my recovery and never fail to cheer me up at least a little when I’m down, they’re not the only coping mechanism I had. But I forgot to tell them about how much all the friends I’ve made through them have helped too (I really really wish I had remembered, though, since I‘d love to see their reactions to that more than anything) and I’m terrified that what I did say put a lot of pressure on them. Because yeah, it’s amazing to hear that something you did helped someone through a really hard time but that’s also a LOT to compartmentalize, especially in less than a minute. I forgot to tell them, too, that the encouragement of the phandom was what ultimately propelled me to change majors, schools, and even my entire career path just to follow my dream of writing. Sure, maybe it’s not exactly what I thought it would be and it’s been really really rough sometimes but I literally wouldn’t have done it without you guys or Dan and Phil. And I’d fucking love to see their reactions to that. But c’est la vie, I suppose.

It is in my letter, though. So I suppose they’ll know one way or another, even if they can’t connect that impact with a face.

While my brain may be latching onto this negativity and holding on for dear life, though, there were some pretty amazing things about the whole experience too. For instance, (this may be a trick of my memory but idk it seems pretty real to me) not only did I notice how crazy tall they were--which, for someone who’s 5′7″ is quite the feat--but their faces seemed a lot bigger than I expected? Maybe it’s because I’m used to seeing them on a laptop or phone screen, or maybe it’s because they were so expressive, but it made me realize that every bit of them is larger than life and I honestly think that’s beautiful.

You know how we always say that Phil expresses himself through actions rather than words? Well I can say with absolute certainty that that’s 100% true. Sure, he didn’t say much but his hug was SO warm and sweet and looking back, his actions read as so comforting to me? Especially during the selfies since he put his head really freaking close to mine and had his arm on my shoulder and sure, maybe he does that with everyone, but it feels so special just to know you’re included in that “everyone.” 

And I really can’t thank them enough for both knowing just how to handle all our anxious asses. Whether it’s Dan’s smooth, soothing words injected with a sincerity that still brings me to tears now or Phil’s huge smiles and even huger hugs, they understand our nerves in a way that only someone who truly gets it can. If you think about it, Dan and Phil are probably just as nervous as us during these meet and greets, yet they channel those nerves into making us feel like old friends and that we do matter, even if it’s for barely a minute.

And for someone who’s so used to pushing her feelings to the side, that honestly means the world to me.

Not to mention, it’s had an amazing impact on my life too. I’ve recently set myself the challenge of treating every customer I encounter at work the same way Dan and Phil treat us, and it’s actually made me feel really good. Who would’ve thought, huh?

Overall: yeah, maybe I have some regrets and those regrets do threaten to consume my entire being sometimes. But I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything (besides maybe an attempt to do it all over again and get it right this time). Not to sound privileged or anything but I really am so freaking grateful for what I did get. Because despite my various fuckups, I got the chance to feel heard and respected by two of the most important people in my life. And I got to see firsthand how each and every one of us is as important to them as they are to us.

Even little old me, who doesn’t feel all that important to anyone.

And honestly? That means everything.

[amethystdarkwolf]

The Reality Behind The Fiction [Part two]

[Part One]

[Next Part]

TW: Panic attack

~~~~~~~~~~~

"I was unsure if you would recognize who I was if I went by that name, but yes." Logan stated, moving away from Thomas and flipping on the light switch, so that Thomas could see him clearly. No surprise, he looked exactly what Thomas portrayed him as in his videos, the only thing different was his deep blue, almost hypnotic eyes.

Thomas slowly shook his head. "Im actually going crazy..." He said as his voice quivered. "That is how you are attempting to put this into reason, but that is a false statement. You are not becoming insane in any form, we truly do exist." Logan spoke calmly as he walked back over to Thomas offering his hand to help him stand.

"W-We?" Thomas asked, not taking Logan's hand and in fact moving more away from him in pure fear. Logan looked confused as he drew his hand away. "Well yes, your creativity, morality, and anxiety." He stated as if it was obvious, he waited a second before realizing his mistake. "Oh. And your deceit." he added.

"N-No... No, I'm going crazy, I've overworked myself with Sanders Sides videos and this is the repercussion, just... N-no.. No.." Thomas tried to convince himself of before he scrambled to his feet and bolted up the stairs back to his bedroom. He heard a sigh, a mumble and a snap before again, he was just stuck with dead silence, no hint of anything being off besides his own racing heart and spinning mind.

It's needless to say he didn't sleep that night, his mind still trying to comprehend if that was a dream or not. The next day, Joan called him to ask if anything happened, before Thomas was even able to say anything, he became hysterical, babbling incoherently through sobs and lack of breath. He was shaking and everything felt so overwhelming.

He tried to explain what happened and what he saw but Joan just told him that they'd be over soon to help him calm down and then they can talk there. Thomas managed to choke out an "okay" and they hung up.

Thomas tried to calm himself down, unfortunately to no avail, he was an absolute mess, uncontrollably shaking and sobbing. This scared him so much, everything that had been happening, the whispers, the lights, the temperature, Logan? It all looked so real, felt so real! but it couldn't be. The sides aren't real, they're just characters but it was just so real.

"I-I'm going insane... I-I... I'm crazy..." He cried into his hand, he just wants this to be a dream, some sick twisted nightmare that his mind made up and that was so elaborate that it was difficult for him to wake up. He wants to wake up and have all of this just go away. What are his friends going to think? And the fanders??? All the letters and messages he's gotten from fans saying that he's helped them, all the work he did on the musical, all of that will be invalidated now because he's insane... None of that will matter, he's going to lose everything...

When Joan got there it was hard for them to distinguish if Thomas had cried so much that he physically couldn't anymore, or if he was now calm....

It was the former...

Joan hugged and comforted him. "It's okay, Thomas, just breathe and you can explain it once you're calmed down." They spoke softly. It took quite awhile but eventually Thomas was able to steady his voice and bring his shaking down to a minimum. "I-I'm actually crazy, Joan.... I did the test a-and-and it worked! And I saw... Logan-" Joan stopped him. "Wait, Logan? Logic?" they asked.

Thomas nodded and looked down at the floor. "He was talking to me as if he was trying to convince me he was real, b-but I-I just ran back upstairs and I haven't slept or been out of my room really sense... I'm scared...." He began shaking a bit more. "I'm really scared, Joan..." He said.

Joan stayed silent, allowing Thomas to continue, but not for the reason Thomas thought.

"I-I don't know what to do... I'm freaking crazy, Joan..." Thomas said, expecting some type of sympathy or something, but there was just silence. "Joan?" He asked glancing over at them. Joan's eyes were wide, and they weren't looking at him, they were looking at something behind him.

"When did you get a twin? And why is he dressed like Logan?" Joan asked. Thomas' eyes widened and he quickly turned around. There next to the beside table stood Logan. "I apologize Thomas.... Though it's not ideal, I thought appearing in front of Joan would help to calm you... Verify that you are in fact still sane..." he said.

"Y-You can... See him too?" Thomas asked, Joan slowly nodded "Yeah.... Holy shit... They're actually real?" They asked, earning a nod from Logan. "W-Well then, where are the others?" They asked, Logan immediately responded, barely letting Joan finish their question. "They are tending to Virgil... Making sure he's okay.."

Thomas and Joan both looked at one another slightly confused. "What's wrong with Virgil?" Thomas asked hesitantly, still finding this so off-putting that he's literally talking to a character he has written and preformed as.

Logan sighed, "Thomas, Virgil represents your Anxiety... This entire day, including last night you have been in an extreme state of panic, having multiple rough anxiety attacks.... He's also been experiencing these, but worse since that is a significant part of who he is... He's in pretty bad shape... But now that you at least seem relatively calm he should be recovering from that now..." He stated.

"Oh my goodness... Is he gonna be okay?" Thomas asked, Logan nodded. "Yes, most likely, we will just need to bandage his hands, he bit them harshly trying to keep himself from crying, and he'll be jumpy and jittery for awhile, so he probably won't appear soon...." he explained.

"This is so fucking weird..." Joan muttered. "That is an understatement, Joan. We are just as confused as you two are... We weren't meaning to reveal ourselves any time soon, but it was getting bad for you mentally for us to be around without showing what we are... On another note... We aren't going to appear for a few days-"

Thomas cut him off. "You can't just leave! I have so much stuff to ask you and try to figure this out with you guys." Logan gave a deadpan look. "If you would let me finish.... We will be back once Virgil is fully recovered or at least recovered enough to talk to you... And since you now know that we are real, and you're not going insane, we can focus on him while still looking out for your mental state... And Joan?" he asked.

"Yeah?" They asked. "I have to request that this remains in confidence at least for now, while we're still figuring things out?" Joan nodded "Y-Yeah... That makes sense..." Logan gave a small nod "Now if you two will excuse me, I have to go verify that Virgil is okay." and with that, he snapped his fingers and disappeared.