#toot my own horn Tuesday or some shit

[palfriendpatine66]

Wip (bonus points if you know who/what I’m working on)

I. Fucking. Did. This.

[prorevenge]

Talk to me anyway you please? Nah... have fun loosing the entire staff along with the juiciest of juicy contracts.

This is a super throw back but it still brings a smile to my face. Also, my writing sucks so please excuse the grammatical errors.

I was a rink rat growing up. The only day I wasn’t in the skating rink were the adult and gay nights (calm down, it was the 90’s and that’s literally what it was called). Friday night, Saturday morning and night along with Sunday morning and night I was there. Hell, I didn’t even leave between the morning and night sessions. I even went Tuesday nights as well! I was serious too. I dove deep into speed skating and not trying to toot my own horn but I was pretty good and well known.

Anyway, I’d been going to this specific skating rink for years and knew EVERYONE. One day, It was right before I started 7th grade, the owner came up too me and asked me to go out onto the rink floor and tell some kids to slow down. I did and came back and he asked me how would I like to make $7.50 and hour to which I responded “do I also get in for free?” He laughed and said of course. BOOM! First job and I wanted to be there anyway so it was the biggest win-win of all time for me. To say I loved it was an understatement and I did everything besides work the snack bar. DJ, skate counters, floor guard, janitor, hype man... you name it and I did it. It was some of the greatest times of my life. So much fun and the owner was super awesome. Also, we were paid under the table so getting an envelope full of cash every week just felt like a bonus for having fun. To me it wasn’t a job, it was pure fun. It also helped that all my friends were regulars as well.

A few years go by and the owner sold to another guy who we will call Tim. Tim could be an absolute nightmare to work for. He changed the entire dynamic of the place and everyone felt it. Now, this skating rink was POPULAR and extremely old. Lots or people all over the city knew of it. My mom and aunt skated there when they were kids if that tells you anything.

Someway or another the new owner set up and juicy deal that had the rink started making a shitload of money! On Saturday night from 7-11 it was skating per usual but from 11-2ish/3ish is was a club. A local hip hop station came in there with local label Swishahouse and turnt the place upside down for those few hours. Every week and the place was POPPIN. There must have been over 2k people in there on average and at $20 per person it adds up quick plus the snack bar would NEVER stop turning out food and drink. We were making stupid money. Bonus! We also found some good stuff when cleaning up as well. Money, knives, weed, jewelry... It was awesome.

So Tim has it made but sometimes he would fly off the handle for little things. All of us weren’t sure what his deal was but he would explode out of nowhere and start talking all kinds of nonsense. I’d started to have enough because we all had worked there for many years WITHOUT ISSUE. One night he went too far..

I don’t like being called outside of my name. It’s a respect thing. My own mother didn’t do it and he for sure wasn’t. For context I was in 10th grade now. One night he was in some kinda mood and for whatever reason was taking it out on everyone. I don’t remember the exact situation but he started freaking out on me at about 11:30PM. Now, Slim Thug and Paul Wall were in the building that night so the place was extra packed. Waaaay more that usual (I’m sure we were braking all kinds of fire marshal rules lol). He went ballistic and called me every name in the book while I just stood there with rage building up in me. I’d had enough. For years this place ran flawlessly and everyone loved us so he really didn’t have a good reason to treat us in the manner he did. My plan was formed. I immediately gather everyone else that was working and we all decided that enough was enough. It was time for a lesson.

I assembled the entire crew and well all quit on the spot. ALL OF US. That meant nobody to serve food, clean, help the swishahouse people, or just carry out general things that needed to be done when 2-3k people were in the building. He was stunned, his tone changed and he became very sweet. We weren’t having it. As an additional fuck you I called the other two people that were off and they showed up to quit as well. Tim had already reached out so he assumed they were showing up to work. Nope. We left him with zero workers on the absolute busiest of busy nights and boy did it implode. He couldn’t find anyone to work so the place went to absolute shit that night. The on duty officer told him he needed to figure something out or he was going to close it down without workers. Well... he didn’t. It closed down that night and apparently without staff it got nasty. People started having sex, smoking, trashing the place and all kinds of stuff. Shortly after the radio station and label took their business elsewhere and not long afterward the place closed down. He lost his entire investment. This was very bitter sweet for me because I loved the place but he ran it into the ground. The building is still standing and I would LOVE to bring it back to its former glory but my pockets are deep enough yet. Maybe one day.

TLDR: New skating rink owners treated employees horrible so we all quit at the same exact time to leave him stranded. He lost a big contract with a local radio station and popular record label which cost him big money. Rink closed down shortly after.

(source) story by (/u/JawShoeWaah)

[ubernoxa]

The Sip: A GNR Modern Day AU

Chapter 6: Just Friends

Previous Chapters: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5)

Chapter Summary: Alanah gets a call from her manager and Duff surprises her with some help.

Warning: Fluff

I sat on the couch in Sandy’s and my apartment wishing I was anywhere else.

Declan had surprised Sandy for dinner and they were currently out eating at some fancy restaurant.

A couple hours earlier, Declan showed up at our door with a dozen roses dresses in a full suit. Apparently it was their six month anniversary, but you wouldn’t know that if you saw Sandy at the party last night. There are times I wonder if she knows what the definition of committed relationship is. I can’t judge though, my last relationships was borderline fake.

Originally we were supposed to record, but they both looked so excited to go. Before Sandy could break the news to him on how she couldn’t go, I told her we could reschedule. We had some prerecorded stuff, so we could just post that instead. She was still hesitant, so I added on that I could livestream cooking. Eventually she caved and left for her dinner with Declan. I hope she didn’t cheat on him, but the way that stranger’s arm was wrapped around her led me to believe the worst. She was supposed to be the smart one out of the two of us. She didn’t leave without making a comment on how I should invite Duff over for the stream. I swear she just wanted me to get in a relationship again, so we could go on double dates and couples vacations.

I continued to stare in the mirror as I finished applying my foundation. My heart skipped a beat as the sound of my phone ringing echoed through my apartment. Duff?

To my disappointment, it was only my media manager..well both Sandy’s and my media manager. We hired her a while back to help us with the legal side of YouTube and to help with our social presence.

“Hey Alanah, hows it going?”

“Good, Good...preparing to do the livestream I just texted you about,” I began to begin working on my eyes as I spoke.

“Okay well...you know how I hate getting into your personal life Alanah, but...” God I wish she would just spit it out. I knew she was going to ask about if I was dating Duff or not. I know we’re not, but I....I don’t know. After this morning’s bathroom event, I needed to know what that meant to him. No way that was just two friends hanging out, or maybe that’s how a rockstar hangs out with girls? Fuck.

“Are you dating Duff,” I let a fake laugh escape me once she finally got around to asking the question.

“No, just friends.” Yup, just friends would had sex multiple times in the past 24 hours and then relaxed in a jacuzzi together. Just casual friend things.

My manager went silent for a couple seconds. Was she expecting me to say yes?

“Things just ended with Mark, and I just want to enjoy being single. I won’t lie, I shed a couple tears when I heard he said Alanah who....but I’ve heard worst things. Why are you asking?” I stopped applying my makeup and focused on my manager. She went silent again, and that wasn’t ever a good sign.

“Well, you were tagged in some social media posts.....” she once again paused causing my patience to go extinct. SPIT IT OUT.

“There was a video from the paparazzi, Ill send it your way. I know Mark is a celebrity, but he wasn’t a household name like Duff. If you two do start dating you are aware that you are going to lose your sense of privacy right? You’ll be added to his list of ex’s. That’s what you will be known for,” I let out a sigh as she finished talking. Jesus Christ, we aren’t even dating and I was already getting this talk.

“Just friends,” I faked the confidence in my voice before I heard her mumble something.

“Well I’m glad you’re doing well, I’ll send you a link to the video I was referencing. If you and Duff are JUST FRIENDS you should ask him to help cook for your stream tonight,”

“Really?” I sounded like a nervous middle schooler as I spoke. Why was I nervous?

“Yeah, could be fun. Have a good one Alanah,” she hung up before I could even say goodbye...typical.

I opened up Instagram and was immediately met with a bunch of notifications. Whoever ran the Gun’s Instagram page had tagged me in a couple of photos. Most of them consisted of photos from earlier in the night of us around the BBQ. I was surprised to see that I looked decent in most of them, and in a couple...only a couple of the photos...Duff and I did look like we were dating. He had is arm wrapped around my waist or I was sitting on his lap. We aren’t dating though just friends.

I went over to his page to message him, and that’s when I froze. I immediately clicked on the most recent post and scrolled through the photos. There was one photo that caught my attention. It was from when we were eating dinner last night. It must have been cropped because it was just the two of us, but I remembered this moment. He had just made a joke that was so stupid I couldn’t help, but laugh. Yesterday I didn’t notice it, but he was smiling down at me as I giggled in the photo and he had his hand wrapped around my waist. I couldn’t read into that much more. We are just friends. We are nothing more than friends. FRIENDS.

I logged into the Instagram account specifically for Sandy’s and my YouTube channel and began to record a video.

“Hey guy! Hope you’re haveing a great Tuesday. Sandy is out celebrating an anniversary so you’re stuck with me tonight!”

“Tonight I will be live-streaming me attempting to cook something you guys comment below! So comment your ideas and hopefully I won’t burn them!”

I then when to share the video on twitter and Tumblr to try to gain traction.

I put some music on and began to scroll through the comments trying to find an idea of what to cook. The comments started out as helpful but after some scrolling a lot of the comment were about Duff....I placed my phone out and let out a sigh.

“Are you and Duff dating?”

“Wow, talk about a rebound”

“Duff + Alanah... #upgrade”

Why did I have to deal with this bull shit? Not that I wouldn’t mind being his girlfriend....but he was a rockstar and we were JUST FRIENDS.

I was pulled from my thoughts as my phone began to ring. Speaking of the devil, it was Duff.

“Hey, what’s up?” I smiled as I looked at my screen. His hair was all over the place and he looked exhausted. It must had been a long practice.

“I’m about 30 seconds away from killing my bandmates, you?”

“Well I’m currently trying to chose what to cook for my livestream,” I quickly checked what I looked like on the screen. I was thankful that I put makeup on and did my hair, I looked pretty good..not to toot my own horn or anything.

“How about Thai Salmon?” I was caught off guard by his recommendation.

“Ohhh uhhh I don’t know how to bake that.....and umm...I don’t want to look like a fool on livestream,” I was tripping over my words, unable to cease talking.

“Well if you need help, I’m actually a decent cook. I could even show you some stuff if you want,” he wanted to help me cook?

“Yeah sure!” I could feel a smile growing on my cheek from ear to ear as I spoke. I watched a smile flash on his face as I answered.

“Great! So I’ll bring the ingredients we need and we also have to soak the salmon for two hours before it’s cooked!”

My stomach was performing backflips as Duff talked. He was excited. He was excited to hang out with me. Holy shit.

Time flew by as I began to setup the two cameras. The first was on a rather large tripod allowing you to see the entire kitchen, which wasn’t much, and the second was a small camera that would be used for more close up shots.

***Buzz***

I practically jumped out of my skin when I heard my apartment’s doorbell ring. I bolted towards my intercom to the lobby, “Hello?”

“Hey Alanah, it’s Duff I got the stuff, wanna let me in or we can try to cook in the lobby?” I chuckled as I hit a button on my intercom and buzzed in. What if he thinks less of me because of my small apartment? What if he thinks I’m below him? Is my apartment too dirty? Is it too clean?

A knock at the door pulled me out of my chaotic merry-go-round of thoughts.

I took a deep breath and opened my door.

“So this is what your apartment looks like,” he had a small smile on his face as he walked around looking at the photos that hung on the wall.

“It’s not much, but it’s home,” I shrugged leaning against the table for support.

“Its cozy! I got the food, shall we begin?”

“Umm...yeah..uhhh..yeah..so since the salmon needs to marinate I’m doing a little prerecording for the video to post later in the week if that’s fine,” I wanted to kick myself repeatedly for stumbling over my words. God! I felt like such a baffoon.

“How can I help?” I watched as he looked at my camera positioned to look at the entire room.

“You can do whatever you want! If you wanna help with the cameras it’s up to you. If you want to sit on the couch and be on your phone that’s fine too,” I shrugged watching his body language as I spoke. He actually wanted to help....the rockstar was looking to help..weird okay.

“So that camera there is for overall shots while this one is for like close up,” I held up the second camera showing him how to properly hold it.

“So this first part isn’t live?”

“Yeah, I don’t want to make everyone wait two hours. I usually take live-streams and create highlight videos,” I began to pull the items out of Duff’s cloth bag.

I looked over to see Duff fiddling with the second camera and eventually turning it on. Out of the corner of my eye I then watched as he turned on the second one. Maybe he wasn’t as unfamiliar with cameras as I expected him to be.

I then felt him wrap his arms around my waist.

“Hey...Duff,” I could feel my heart rate about to explode through my chest. I’ve had sex with him before, why was I nervous around him? Why the hell was him being so close to me making my stomach become an Olympic gymnast?

“Don’t mind me, I’m just turning on your mic,” and with that I hear a faint click from a small switch that turned my mic on. He then clapped once and went to pick up the second camera.

“I’m ready when you are,” I could feel my cheeks turning red as he spoke. His damn smirk never leaving his stupid face. He knew what he was doing.

“Alright, welcome to another cooking with Alanah and Sandy, but this time there is no Sandy so we will see what happens! My current goal is to not burn the food,” before I could continue Duff’s laughter echoed through my apartment.

“What? Also cameramen should be quiet!” I teased back pointing at the camera, only making his laugh harder.

“Alanah, babe, I’ve seen your previous cooking videos and I think your goal should be to not burn down your apartment,” I froze as I tried to make out what he said between laughing.

Babe?

I rolled my eyes, but I couldn’t get rid of the smile that had grown on my face.

“Alright so tonight we are making teriyaki salmon! The first step is to create the marinate!” I pulled out the cooking instructions I had made Duff write before he came over.

“Alright so for the sweet chili sauce we will combine water, white vinegar, cornstach, garlic clove, and.......maple syrup,” I looked over at Duff as I read the last ingredient.

“Are you messing with me Duff?” His laughter filled the room once again and I couldn’t help but join him. His laugh was contagious.

“If I was messing with you I would have either been more subtle or more outlandish,” I watched as he placed the camera on my mini tripod infornt of the bowls I had setup for mixing.

We spent the next thirty minutes preparing the sauce together, and I loved every second of it.

“And now we wait for two hours while the salmon soaks,” Duff said into the camera before smirking at me. He was good in front of a camera and he knew it.

“So now we have two hours,” I finished turning off the cameras and my mic as he spoke.

“Do you have anything in mind in how to spend the time?” This time I couldn’t help but let a smirk wander into my face.

Without hesitation, Duff pulled me in and we began to kiss as he dragged me to my bedroom.

[another-mentalhealthblog]

Christmas shopping with PTSD

Yup, you heard me.

Let’s just get things straight, crisp and clear before I even begin.

Straight from NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

“Traumatic events—such as AN ACCIDENT, assault, military combat or natural disaster—can have lasting effects on a person’s mental health. While many people will have short term responses to life-threatening events, some will develop longer term symptoms that can lead to a diagnosis of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD symptoms often co-exist with other conditions such as substance use disorders, depression and anxiety.”

[Let me be clear. I’m not trying to self diagnose here. Because I haven’t been diagnosed with PTSD by my psychiatrist, primary care doctor or therapist (yet). And I feel like that may be because I haven’t met with my psychiatrist since... October?

“I think you’re doing well!” she said, because I was finally on a combination of medications with no day-to-day side affects that were interrupting my daily living. “Let’s meet again in... two months!”

At the time this sounded fine to me. But two months have gone by, and I have gone completely off my rocker.

We were supposed to meet on Wednesday morning at 10:00am, but after the trauma I experienced Tuesday night, and the mere three to four hours of sleep I got... that totally wasn’t happening. So now we’re meeting on Friday afternoon, and I’ll have to give her the low down on my life right now and see what she says.]

ANYWHO! 

Yesterday my mom came in my room and “asked” if I wanted to go to Marshal’s to do some Christmas shopping with her. I put “asked” in quotes, or air quotes, because I didn’t really have a choice. She knows I’m down in the dumps right now, and she thought she was doing me a service by getting me up and out of my bed, my room, and maybe my depressing thoughts.

But the thing about depression, at least for me, is that the thoughts don’t just go away because I’m out Christmas shopping. Or in this situation, the thoughts and blurry flashbacks of the traumatic event I had experienced just FOUR days before, are still stuck to my brain like a wad of gum on the bottom of a shoe. Which I think is “normal” considering what I have gone through. But I don’t think my mom fully understands that.

Especially since, on the way to Marshal’s, we literally passed the exact location where my traumatic event occurred.

The thoughts of the night weigh on me like a bowling ball on my chest, or a backpack with two bowling balls in it, that I am carrying around and can only put down when I’m asleep at night.

Meaning... when we’re in line, outside Marshal’s, waiting to get inside (nothing says 2020/COVID more than that), all I can think about is the traumatic event that I experienced. And how I’m jealous of my mom and all of the people that can just live right there, in the present moment. Right now... it feels like I’ll never be able to do that again.

Walking around inside of Marshal’s, I felt like a shy, pre-pubescent child, following her mom around, deathly afraid of what would happen or how her mom would feel if she lost her in the store. I was afraid to look people in the eyes, fearful of... “What if the police officer or someone from four nights ago is here and sees me?”

This also had an impact on what I was going to wear to the store, too. I was afraid to wear my FILA sneakers because I had worn them four nights before when I was arrested and put in the hospital. “What if someone sees my sneakers and my height and my blonde hair and remembers that it was me and says something in front of my mom?”

A “normal” 23 year old should be able to go Christmas shopping with her mom, live in the present moment, and feel uplifting feelings of joy and happiness for the Christmas season and spending quality time with her mom... but that’s not where I am right now at all.

*Clenches jaw*

I feel like I am trapped in my own head and I am the only one who understands how I feel and that I am feeling these heavy things.

I am carrying weight around with me, every minute of every day. And it makes it harder to live.

My mom says my parents have been “nothing but kind to me,” but I also feel like if I misstep and do one thing to even slightly upset them or displease them, I’ll be in even more trouble and set back even further than I already am. So I feel like I’m living every day in pursuit of doing everything I can possibly do to please them... and repressing my own thoughts, feelings and emotions along the way.

I feel like this blog, and kind of my talks with my best friend, boyfriend and therapist are my only safe spaces. And I feel stuck because I feel like I visit the place of pursuit in pleasing my mom and family way more than I visit my safe spaces, where I can release my own inner thoughts and emotions.

I’m pushed and pushing myself to get out of my bed and out of my room so that I’m not alone and stuck in these dark, heavy thoughts. But when I leave my room, my ultimate safe space, I’m forced to play a character who has to put on a happy face, be helpful, not misstep.

Someone who has to act like she’s not suffering internally when doing the tiniest of seasonal tasks like Christmas shopping or watching Rudolph.

My palms are sweaty. My throat is tight.

And I’m already nervous about leaving my room and seeing my mom, because she snapped on me last night when I told her (instead of asking her) that my boyfriend was going to come over for a few hours at 8:30/9:00pm. Because we’re not allowed to hang out in my room anymore. We have to hang out in the family room. And that means “kicking my mom out” of the family room where she was watching her 1000th awful Lifetime Christmas movie (and it’s only December 6th).

She snapped. I got upset. Went silent and emotionless. And that got me in ever more trouble. Told, “You better watch yourself.”

Thinking about that makes my throat even tighter, and my body even colder.

Even though I did a meditation on “happiness,” and my gratitude journal, and personal development reading about the ego or the “big snooze,” it doesn’t make these thoughts and feelings magically go away.

But there were some quotes in my reading that I wanted to take note of, and I guess I’ll end with today.

One, “When taking great leaps forward, life often turns to shit before it turns to Shinola.”

And two, “Growth ain’t for weenies, but it’s nowhere near as painful as living the life you’re living right now if you’re not really going for it. If you want to take control of your life and turn it into something spectacularly you, stop and nothing. Have faith. Trust that your new life is already here and is far better than the old. Hang tight if the Big Snooze pitches a fit. Whatever happens, stay the course, because there’s nothing cooler than watching your entire reality shift into one that is the perfect expression of you.”

I just don’t know what the “perfect expression” of me is. It’s confusing when you’re multi-passionate and multi-talented. And I’m not tooting my own horn. I get lost because I could make a Youtube channel and sing and play piano. Or I could be a photographer. Or a writer. Or something in marketing or communications, which is what my mom wants. Or something in health and fitness, like a personal trainer or a yoga instructor.

I told Matt that if we have a future together and if he opens up his own gym, I would get my yoga certification and teach yoga classes there. And maybe do photography or blogging or something else on the side.

All I know is when I read the words “the perfect expression of you,” asking Matt for his NASM book back and starting to study personal training again is the first thing I thought of. I’m not sure if that’s my answer.

I’m not sure who I am. But here’s to another day of improving myself and figuring it out.

[myhairisoflair]

Yesterday I was so close to breaking up with J. He now doesn’t have a full time salaried job, not his fault, so he’s been home since Tuesday. It’s weird and it’s messing up my schedule and boundaries that I so carefully tried to make. Now I just have to make new ones. We spend all of our time together, which gives me very little time to do things I need to get done. And yeah I know that it’s easy to say that I need to get work done but it isn’t. I know it’s what is good for me but I can’t do it. I think about him all the time and I feel like I need to be with him when I’m not.

Tuesday was his last day of alcohol counseling and to celebrate we went out and got drunk. The lightweight that I am had 4 shots and got extremely drunk. J got moderately drunk.

When most people get drunk they claim to be more honest than they are sober. They no longer have a filter. I told J about my reservations about our relationship since this is my first poly relationship and I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve never had to manage jealousy and insecurity like this ever and it scares me. I thought I was open minded before but since I’ve met J, there’s so much more that I didn’t even give a second thought or already had pre conceived notions about. For this I am grateful. I feel much more in tune with my sexuality and am no longer afraid of it. I am getting better at communicating my feelings instead of keeping them bottled up inside and suppressing them.

Tangent aside, I told him that my friends had reservations about being in a poly relationship. I told one of my friends about the night I freaked out and got insanely jealous. She said that this is what she was afraid of, my feelings getting hurt. The problem is I love him and I want to be with him but I’m not sure I’m cut out for poly. I wish I could be as good at poly as he is (he’s also been doing this much longer than I have). My friend said that I’m too good for him and that he hit the jackpot dating me. Not to toot my own horn but she might have a point. She also told me not to put all my eggs in one basket…J agrees with her. I honestly don’t have enough time in my life to dedicate to another person whether it’s just casually seeing or dating around. It takes up too much enegry and I hate small talk.

Anyways, the next day I felt like shit. Absolute shit, pretty hungover. We didn’t eat anything for breakfast, went to the gym and hardly ate afterwards. The whole day I felt very iffy about our relationship. I kept doubting all my decisions. He wants to move in together and thinking about that stresses me out too. I was uncommunicative and pissed off and sad the whole day and I played it off like I was hungover. For some reason he always gets me to talk about my feelings or what I’m thinking about when I don’t want to. He asked, I told him. After that I walked home even though he offered to drive. I needed time to think, again. I basically ran away from him. I’m sure he was freaked out because he called me 15 minutes later and I told him again my reservations about everything. I don’t have a solution. I don’t want him to change who he is. I don’t want to compromise my happiness. I don’t know what to do.

I was so close to ending it…