#truly insane things compared to like normal loving family

[nature-played-a-trick-on-me]

Went for a walk w the bf today and he said he's starting to better understand the sort of stuff I've gone through with my dad and his gf and the effects that it still has on me today

[watchingyoufromthestars]

Okay, time for my mixed feelings on Scam Likely and how nobody can escape the repetitive cycle of being an imperfect father. I’ll try to be objective as I break down the scene in Goofs Realm, but I’m in my Scam hater era.

THIS IS LONG, SORRYYYYYY

No father will be perfect in fiction or reality, and it’s a running theme of the show. The mistakes of your past define the present and the families have been constantly doomed to repeat them, but in new, fresh, fucked up ways. There are varying levels of mistakes all of them have made in the story, especially compared to Willy, but he’s his own special case.

Scam’s sin is ignorance. To the world around him and individuals’ feelings. Consistently he is shown to not realize outside of his Goofs that they can heavily affect other people in ways they do not like. That actions have consequences. His entire relationship with Jodie was a joke to him, while Jodie was left without his romantic partner a second time and was scammed out of a son (and in more ways than one since Hermie was spawned as a teenager instead of a baby). It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt, and now that someone is his son and he’s dead.

“He tries to hide the fact that he is actually emotionally affect by this, but he only got a 6, so you can see that he is genuinely upset.”

In his own way, Hermie does matter to him. I think Scam is a very hard being to compare to the rest of the cast because of his Goofs realm nature. He has an entirely different set of morals and ground rules of existence. For christ sake you die forever into nothingness in Goofs Realm if you stop being funny. But now Scam is confronted with a harsh truth and he can’t deny an emotional mode outside of Silly and Laughter.

“I didn’t even think of him as something that could die. He was just a goof. Goofs never die. It’s like- all jokes are always funny forever.”

We truly see Scam’s mindset here. Be it as a Goofs native or just who he is individually, he only thinks of The Big Joke of it all. Hermie was not an individual with feelings to be loved and raised (not that he even raised him at all), Hermie was just a joke to him. And it wasn’t even in any personal way. Everything is a joke to him.

“Where is he? Is he in Hell? Is he in Heaven?”

“I don’t know! He doesn’t have a soul! He’s not like you or me. Well, not like you.

And here it’s cemented in just how irregular Hermie is. Neither him nor Scam have a soul. As much as we’ve visited dead characters on this podcast, there’s nowhere that Hermie can be reached. This incarnation of him is gone forever.

“Do you forgive me for whatever is about to happen? I’m truly going to try.”

Try as he might to make things right — in his own insane way of ‘farting and it’ll be so funny that he’ll come back’ — that’s not something that’s been allowed lately on this show. And what could he even do to make things right anyways? There’s no joke to be made when someone has passed, and no joke can bring them back.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t think it would happen like this. I didn’t think he would actually develop a personality; he was just supposed to be a Goof machine. Nobody was supposed to be sad if something happened to him.”

Again, Hermie’s existence was just a part of one big goof and scam for him. Meta and Story, Hermie is and was a joke. He was just supposed to be this silly little guy, but then as time marched on he developed into something of a person. Something a lot of us got attached to and something Normal held onto dearly. “Nobody was supposed to be sad if something happened to him”, but he became too much of a Person for that to stay true.

“I could make you another one.”

And then there’s this line. It kills me in a very specific way. Scam is just so disconnected from human nature that he doesn’t know fully realize the value an individual life holds. Yes, he could just make another Hermie, but that’s not the Hermie. To use the first metaphor that comes to mind, it’s like making a mastercopy. In a previous painting class, we studied a singular painting for one project and recreated it to the best of our abilities. As skilled as one can be in painting, you cannot truly recreate the original. There’s history imbued in the original, and it’s lived a lifetime before your own version was created. Even if you create a version indistinguishable from the original, it is still not the same.

All of this is to say that I cannot truly judge Scam, at least from a certain standpoint. I have very mixed feelings about him, but he’s a unique case of a character that’s very different than judging one of the human dads. Am I rambling here? Am I spouting nonsense? I don’t know, I’m still in distress over crying multiple times from this episode. I’m not proof reading this lol

[dreamingsnowflake2013]

THEIR INSANELY EXPLOSIVE CHEMISTRY! The tension and intensity of emotions combined with the attraction between them is electrifying. You expect them to bang against one of those column any moment. Despite saying some brutal things to each other, there is still so much left unsaid between them, things they don't allow themselves to utter because it scares them - the consequences of them, of what would revealing them mean.

Xie Wei is so used to keeping his emotions on a tight leash (because that's a survival instinct for him, that's how he has survived so far against all odds, explaining why he values control and self-control so high), but with Xue Ning he becomes utterly out of control, completely losing the hold of his emotions and thoughts he normally keeps in checks. He can control his hate, even such deep-rooted one as for his father and his empress aunt, but not his love (and jealousy) for her. One could argue his deteriorating physical health, the cold, the snow and the encounter with his father have triggered it; however, he's been dealing with those aspects for years and managing it, but the sight of her favouring another man sends him into frenzy. He can even keep his calm when the family he likes and has been trying to protect for decades faces extermination and disgrace, showing Xue Ning is the only exception for him, the only person he allows himself to act as human with, or to put it better, he can't help himself not to, something about her just makes him become vulnerable. The emotions for her he's been restraining for so long break through to the surface.

Him holding Xue Ning, the source of his madness, close to him with one hand, while clinging onto the cure which makes him lucid by destroying his body in the other! The show is absolutely, insanely delicious for this.

The parallel between the first time when Xie Wei threatened to kill her and now really reveal the shift in her feelings for him - back then, she experienced merely fear in connection to the past/future events, but now, the fear is overshadowed by hurt. Despite everything, Xue Ning has learnt to trust him and rely on him, because he's come to save her again and again, thus his threat comes out of nowhere, she really has come to trust him the most. Compare it to his reaction to Zhang Zhe, nothing he ever says, nor any memory of him, can affect her or pain her in such a visceral way. The fact she doesn't start to avoid him later and actually seeks him out to make amends show that she truly deep down believes Xie Wei would never make good on that threat and hurt her.

[veryinnovative]

i dont know how i would manage being lied to so much

what would you do? and i mean maybe im just so emotional but i cant picture myself ever trusting those ppl again. i dont care if their lies are justified.

like how do you even handle all that

truly the fic also raises the question 'how would you handle it when decades-old friendships that have become your only existing family are put in jeopardy' but one thing is... it's fic... there's the suspense of disbelief + the fact that regulus is from an entirely different world. like. you really don't have to take tt that seriously but if u rly want to know:

the point is that it's not really a 'what would you do' situation because comparing your upbringing to regulus' is (nearly) impossible. unless u grew up in his specific breed of insanity household and dealt with the complex family dynamics and harsh environments he faced, it's hard to truly understand his perspective. regulus experienced things and made decisions that most people never encounter, which shaped his moral compass and that of his close friends in unique, although 'regressive' ways. their expressions of love and affection are/were deeply intertwined with concerns about life and death, prioritizing survival and the well-being of one another at all costs. even though they eventually escaped their harsh life, the lingering effects still impact their lives profoundly.

it's almost impossible to apply our typical rational thinking or ethical solutions to a situation like regulus', especially when his upbringing often required drastic actions for damage control or as preventive measures. his (family's) + the slythering skittles' circumstances were so extreme that they demanded a different approach to decision-making and problem-solving than what we might consider normal.

regulus killed barty's dad. andromeda and narcissa arranged bella's journey to france and locked her up in the manor. the rosier twins orchestrated the deaths of their parents.

to reiterate: this issue is not merely about justifying the actions of everyone who deceived reg. it also involves recognizing that from childhood, an environment was fostered where resorting to drastic measures was normalized in a sense. such behaviors were not only condoned but encouraged in extreme circumstances, as evidenced by regulus' actions, like drinking poison and killing barty's dad without prior knowledge. this highlights the troubling notion that committing severe acts can be excusable if believed to protect each other's well-being. that's the entire problem. everything in this story has unfolded from this shared trait: elaborate acts of sacrifice and savior complexes and being so traumatized that your brain is wired to do the ultimate in order to prevent more loss.

what everyone did was shitty. it was. but it's important to see why it happened and how it can be remedied, especially considering that no one has ever done something to break regulus' trust before, but regulus has done tons to break theirs. and again, maybe they could have acted accordingly when regulus' suicidal tendencies resurfaced, but they have never known better or tried to.

[lovetransaction]

Happy WW friend🙏🏼 do you think Dean/Lisa could’ve worked if Sam never came back from hell?

I am so into Dean/Lisa like you wouldn't believe so I say yes. I don't think Dean would've ever felt truly settled or fulfilled but then I'm not sure Dean really knows what would make him feel that way. He might have felt it a few times with John, when things were going okay between Dad and Sam, but that's his only point of reference bc the memory of a 4-year old is not anything to go by.

Being with Lisa and Ben made a rational sort of sense and they were both so realistic about what they had: companionship, partnership, something dependable. Honestly I think it was the most grown-up relationship with another person that Dean ever had. There weren't any outlandish expectations, it wasn't based on insane reactionary behaviour, there wasn't the possessiveness that could turn into manipulation on a dime.

Don't get me wrong I love those things too for the *drama*, but as far as a 'normal' life and home? That's exactly what John was talking about when he said Dean deserved a home and family. John ofc assumed it would come with the same wife obsession he had but that's John's malfunction. That was never gonna be Dean. What he had with Lisa was wonderful, though, on its own merits, and I think it kept him not just sane but relatively, comparatively healthy while he thought Sam was gone. He would've been okay. Not great, not terrible, but okay.

[shinjisdone]

Vinland Saga S2 Episode 20 Take...

Spoilers below:

God...bro...stop.

First of all the battle:

It is so interesting to see both sides of a 'warrior': The one who revels in the killing and loses himself in the blood and the one scared for their lives. Each of them experiences both sides and its just *mwah* to see FOX being the one TERRIFIED. The one who first suggested to Olmar to kill to truly "become a man". The one who was glorifying the act, telling him so sadistically how easy it is once you realize how soft and fragile a human's body is.

And now it is the Joms vikings who feel the same glee as they strike down each slave as if they are toothpicks.

It shows the humanity and hypocrisy. How each loses - either to the bloodlust or straight up their lives.

It also shows the difference between mere mercenaries i.e. the 'guests' and actual, trained vikings who work under the king. It's *Chef kiss*.

The look in the vikings eyes are the same as the guests and Askeladd's band.

Bro Thorgil is insane???

You know that the moment you meet him but he keeps doing mad things to keep reminding you. Like, dude swam around the island with a sword on his back, no armor to defend himself and was ready to decapitate the king who he worked for just months ago???? Cuz his family got insulted thats why.

Bro is on the same level as Thorkell.

And Canute actually fighting back??? AND ATTEMPTING TO KILL THORGIL TOO? My man got guts and its so surprising.

There is no way Thorgil thought he might do that. Plus, he was too confident to even think he might lose.

Ketil u son of a bitch he survived. There is just something infuriating and tragic knowing a phony like him could fall this deep and low in his own arrogance, pride, weakness and delusion.

Man shouldve died. Stop saving him, Snake.

And now to the tearjerker

Bro

Bro bro bro. Arnheid just...seeing her family waiting for her? Hinting even an episode before that her unborn child is already dead. Gardar took care of it like its own kid in the sequence.

And she woke up just to say her thanks and bid goodbye. Thorfinn and Einar keep trying to give her hope and not to die...

But she keeps on asking; Where will we go and is there war? Is there slave trade? If so, then I don't want it.

She'd rather die. All of these things are just another prolonging nightmare for her.

I was a bit sceptical of Arnheid as a character but it all makes so much sense.

She's just supposed to be a normal woman in the world of the nordics. The world of vikings, war and slaves. Not the daughter or wife of a warrior or anything but just a woman.

She had everything that was part of a normal life. A village, a home, a husband and a child and it's all just taken from her.

She did absolutly nothing wrong. Her only crime being her existence.

When there are no men to defend you in times like these, you are taken away as a slave, your toddler child seen as useless and killed. You are taken to a master and work as his servant, maid and bedwarmer. She becomes pregnant without asking for it but decides and has the strength to protect her second child.

And then...one thing goes wrong and it all comes tumbling down. The master who "adores" her beats her to death and the one person she wanted to protect dies.

"Everyone I loved died. Why should I live?" She has no reason to live anymore.

This isn't just tragedy falling upon you. It's a young woman's will being completely destroyed by the cruelty of this world - of the men who wage war and those who enslave her.

Why should women live in a world like this? Anything peaceful can be taken from them in an blink of an eye and they are collected either as a "prize" for the vikings or sold off as slaves. They are especially vulnerable compared to men. They are straight up SOUGHT by raiders. It's insanity.

The war takes away their fathers, husbands, Brothers and sons. Slavery takes away their mothers, sisters and daughters.

And her speech of asking why she should live mirrors Thorfinn's speech of "Nothing good has ever happend to me" - That's what I think at least.

It's the reason why he looks so pained at that part especially I believe.

Man lets all say thank you to Thorfinn's convenient elephant-like memory. Guy remembers when you sneezed and why like 7 years ago.

Just seeing him try to bring her back to life like his father did, which he saw when HE WAS SIX AND SO CONFUSED ON WHAT HIS DAD WAS DOING AND IT WAS FOR ANOTHER SLAVE NO LESS

And Einar keeps on trying to give her hope 😢 he confesses how much he likes her, even now...

And oooooooooouuuugh here comes Ketil and my blood boils

SNAKE STOP SAVING HIS ASS

Einar trying to kill him and PUNCHING THORFINN when he tried to stop him hurts. My man would never raise a hand against Thorfinn but here he did nooo.

Bro but Thorfinn finally snapping him out of this oh so familiar rage and telling him "don't become like me. Don't drown in that nightmare I've had" *sobs*

*BIG SOB*

They make her a grave...and Thorfinn, once again, just conveniently remembers what Canute once said about his view on God and Love.

And now he just...wants to stop him???? Bro how????

He SAID THERE WOULD BE AT LEAST 50 MEN AND THE WORST CASE SCENARIO IS THAT HE'LL GET AWAY WITH HIS LIFE AT LEAST

STOP SAYING THAT UR SCARING ME

LEIF ALREADY LOST U LIKE 2X PLS DONT DO SOMETHING RECKLESS

IM LEGIT SCARED. WHATS HE GONNA DO? TALK????

Ugh...I'm so feelings it makes me sick

[talkingharrystyles]

*This is the only post being submitted, as, again, there’s no need for me to return. As for the person(s) who I’ve been told have been going around for awhile, and cowardly using my emoji instigating nonsense: you don’t compete where you don’t compare. I’ve always taken certain precautions to ensure that people would know that I’m the one sending in a specific post at a specific time for readers and have all the evidence saved.*

🌌 Other anons and I stressed that Jason was about as scum as they come. If not more so as he knows how to manipulate the gullible to win sympathy points.

For everyone who flew into a rabid rage against other anons and myself who pointed out the obvious, or strangely advocated that “the kids deserve Jason”, “Jason’s the better parent of them”, “I hope Jason wins custody,” you better remove those blinders. Otherwise, you’ll be easy pickings for predators.

Not to absolve Olivia for her actions. She chose and chooses to do wrong. But truly I do pity her at this point after everything.

After observing her more, it’s more accurate to say that’s she’s sociopathic than narcissistic. Sure, she may have acted extreme due to the stress of having Warner Bros on her to recoup loss, and the explosion of attention, but she is someone who is consumed by a darkness that she can’t help but self destruct.

Which explains the whys behind her publicized how’s. Sociopaths minds aren’t regulated like the normal person. That’s why she has a history of pathologically lying, impulsively engages in abnormal behavior, and refuses to take ownership of her blunt wrongs.

Because of this, she’ll never experience what love and peace are because her mind is much more comfortable with stirring up chaos and confusion. That’s it’s familiarity. Anything different makes her uncomfortable or bored, which is very sad.

She’d never have true friendships as she doesn’t value people as people, but as objects. So she’ll gravitate towards like-minded people who will use, abuse, and then discard her as she does with them.

Creativity, brillance, independence, and self worth are things she’d never possess, as she doesn’t have the desire to want to learn things or be corrected of erroneous ideas that promotes growth. So she’ll forever be insanely envious of women (and men) who magnify her inadequacies and seek to destroy them. Rather than acknowledge her shortcomings and encourage herself to better herself.

Even the cruel plans she plots will be self-sabotaging as, again, she lacks actual intelligence and will leave her publicly embarrassed.

Consider Shia’s video. She never believed people would catch on to her behavior and take measures to protect themselves against her lies.

Hate to say, but her own kids who are meant to love her, she has and will continue to wreck those relationships because of her insecurities and how her mind works in betraying her.

Thus, leaving her a bitter and humiliated person whose life and legacy is what she fears the most: nothing and irrelevant.

While everyone is more than rightful to dislike her actions and call them out, some should begin to take into account that they are the actions of a mentally impaired person before immaturely making fun of her looks or meaningless picking on her just because apart of you secretly believe Holivia was true. Doing so-ignoring that she is someone with severe mental issues- reveals much about one’s own character, as Olivia’s wrong actions does about her.

But Jason… that’s someone who has enabled and worsened her insanity just for his own selfishness. No “loving, sunny side up, caring” man would allow his family and personal life to be tabloid gossip. It doesn’t matter how much she would had blabbed: personal matters, especially his kids, being published without his consent wouldn’t had flown.

REAL loving family men (not referring to Harry as I’m still burned out from talking about him. Only thing to say about him is that it’s interesting last year his bday was shrouded in mystery and uncharacteristic silence. Which fans were bewildered by. Now, Wednesday, he’ll be back to being seen, celebrating his bird today, and delivering his tradition bday speech to fans in person and online.) who act have separated the two worlds and kept their family affairs within the family. Not widely broadcasted.

Now watch them be seriously involved by Ted Lasso’s season finale; if not engaged “again” by that point. Wouldn’t be surprising if upcoming holidays, they “creep back” into each others lives as “friendly exes” then “soulmates who realized distance and mistakes made them realize how much they value each other and how important their family means to them”.

Don’t be surprised too if Olivia and Jason anonymously plant stories about Harry as a drug addict, mock his past alcoholism, exaggerate his confessed pill usage, fabricate stories mocking his sexual performance, and paint him as the ultimate villain.

Here’s a refresher of a few, old posts I sent explaining and forewarning of this:

https://at.tumblr.com/talkingharrystyles/this-post-will-probably-offend-some-and-stir/lslx5verkedq

https://at.tumblr.com/talkingharrystyles/oh-hire-a-strategist-for-this-train-wreck/d0uea7a1qc4y

Majority of anons reactions who understood CinemaCon for what it was:

https://mobile.twitter.com/allreactionvids/status/1422767421652406274/mediaViewer?currentTweet=1422767421652406274&currentTweetUser=allreactionvids

The discussions of Jason’s questionable behavior on Mia’s blog the day before CinemaCon:

https://at.tumblr.com/goldenfharry/httpsgoldenfharrytumblrcompost68269000684806/6v3ul67vq452

https://at.tumblr.com/goldenfharry/httpsgoldenfharrytumblrcompost68263905148398/ptrskyn0sp31

https://at.tumblr.com/goldenfharry/i-see-what-you-are-trying-to-imply-here-im/4gz93rienlr8

.

[furcoveredinblood]

Sorry I ain’t say something sooner but I’m praying for you and your ma, I know what it’s like to have something that scary and sudden happen to a family member. Praying that she makes a full recovery and that everyone can overcome the pain and stress of the whole situation. You are very kind and strong by my account and I truly believe your ma is as well, and y’all will come out of this stronger. Much love to you both <3

(Please forgive me, I’m feeling sappy as well.)

no worries at all, apologies for the late response!

i'm happy to say that my mother is doing great, but is still in the hospital and we don't know when she'll be back home. i will say that she got extremely lucky; the bullet managed to just miss her collarbone and major arteries in the area she was shot, meaning the damage was very minimal compared to if the bullet hit her subclavian artery or something. she is very lucky.

there was unfortunately some complications after surgery which has made recovery quite difficult for my mother, but she's been fighting through it like a warrior. my father did end up getting the bullet made into a necklace and she demanded my dad put it on for her immediately, she thinks it's the coolest thing. she has been so insanely strong throughout all of this and i can't wait for her to come home and get back to a normal life as best she can. i'm still in new york and i won't be back home until my mom is out of the hospital, so i'm not entirely sure when i'll be returning to massachusetts. but i'm making the best of it by visiting my mom when i can and praying for her every single salah. i am so so proud of her for being so strong during something so traumatic. i've passed the love and prayers from you guys to her and she appreciates it all so much <3

[thebwarch]

I watch anime with the buds often with anime group watch nights, last night we did a first episode spree to check out some new things. (Even though we very much shouldn’t have since we’re watching like ten other things, but it’s too fun to do. Appeals to the ADHD.) Check out the first episode, and decide if we wanna watch the show just based on that first impression. I prefer the Madoka Test for truly testing shows (3 episodes) but, first episodes work out real nice for group watch nights.

“Akiba Maid War” - Good first impression, fun concept I'm dying to know where it goes, what a crazy little almost plot twist. (Being told ANYTHING about the anime will make it less surprising, but we went in pretty blind and it *was* surprising.) I just like seeing maid outfits so. This was a pretty easy slam dunk for our group. Be in for an actionful gore-y time. Not saying much about the plot since it’s funner that way. Great pacing and scene direction.

"Reincarnated as a Sword" - A dude dies, is reincarnated into an RPG fantasy world as a big sword. He's actually very fine with it and I couldn't possibly emphasize enough how much the thought of being a human again never crosses his mind. He's so gung-ho on being a sword from now on it's funny. Kinda an enjoyable change of pace from “Oh noooo I’m not human anymore I must get back to human ASAP” Also he frees a catgirl slave and she's gonna wield him from now on. I am very annoyed at the game UI bits as often as they came up. Videogame anime is gonna annoy me a lot probably when they think they’re absolute GENIUSES putting game UI in and acting like it’s cool.

The pacing is all over the place, The jokes barely land, this has a penny for a budget. But it's kind of charming and I like the catgirl. Maybe more??? If nothing else was happening then this would be a watch but. There is so much actually fantastic stuff airing right now or recent that we’re probably gonna let this one stay buried in the backburner.

"Do It Yourself!!" - I love this one the most outta the pile, kind of a surprise hit with the watch group since nobody had really heard about it. It's sorta Eizouken-esque (though I didn't watch Eizouken).

A DIY club of a few schoolgirls forms of just learning how to put things together and DIY. The main girl is aimless and sleepy and flunked out of her chosen vocational school for a lesser one. She barely even knows what she wants to do but sees a woman doing carpentry and wants to try it. She has a tsundere next door neighbor who she is begrudging pals with and thinks that if she builds a bench between their houses they'll hang out more again. I love the main character’s design and the general show style is very good. Very nicely animated. It’s just cozy as a watch, nothing incredible, but purely enjoyable.

I’ve had a long-time ignoring of slice of life anime up until this season between Bocchi the Rock! and this. Both of them are hitting the right buttons to keep me entertained and not bored.

A quick list of everything I’m watching: Bocchi the Rock!, Chainsaw Man, Mob Psycho III, My Hero Academia S6, The Executioner And Her Way Of Life, Spy X Family Cour 2. This season of anime is insane and has way more shows I’m paying attention to than normal.

 I’m TRYING to get back to finishing Vivy and Flip Flappers, and I recently finished up watches of Death Note/Devilman OVA/Call of the Night/Gunsmith Cats OVA.

I’m reading through Devilman as well and considering just talking about all the adaptations of that series compared to the original manga, it’s interesting all the different ways the adaptations went. Anyway toodles thanks for reading!!

[sa4phire]

I don't know how to cope with who I've been because I've been undiagnosed my entire life.

Imagine living for more than two decades as bipolar schizoaffective and being unmedicated.

Imagine the absolute yoyo effect, being so depressed with no end in sight and no hope of ever getting better and yet still finding a way to stay alive... to not kill yourself.

Then, imagine self sabotaging every single last good thing for yourself because your mania (with psychosis) controls you to the point of mind breaks resulting in two hospitalizations.

Imagine ruining the only relationship that ever mattered. I sob as I write this, but this is the only place I feel safe enough to be myself. Not even on pen and paper can I put this into words.

My husband has been with me since I was 15. I can hardly even begin to wrap my head around how toxic, abusive, and straight up hateful I have been to that man, and all he ever did was love me unconditionally.

Before medicine, I was cunning and deceitful. I wore the face everyone wanted to see, no matter who it was. Now, after this latest mind break, the last two to three months have been a blur. I've been manic since January of this year, and I am only coming down now because of my array of medications.

It is terrifying. I am terrifying. I do not even know who I am.

Being in a constant state of disarray since literal birth (my mother assumed I was just a difficult child) and becoming an extreme people-pleaser due to her inability to cope with having an unmedicated child...

I have ruined so many friendships by being too intense.

I know everything happens for a reason, but my insanity that only grew over time...coping with the fact that all those nights I laid in bed crying myself to sleep because I didn't know why it had been years, and the depression that was so normal around ages 10-13 (that went away for everyone else) stuck with me.

Imagine slowly descending into insanity, then one day you meet this man who is everything you've ever wanted, and your entire life is changed forever. You stick with him through high school even though he goes into the Army, and eventually marry him... only to suffer from your mind literally breaking from the pressure of being bipolar schizoaffective, unmedicated, and the stresses of being a normal adult who IS NOT NORMAL.

I'm an anomaly. I should be dead by this point in time. It's a miracle I have lasted this long with my condition unmedicated for SO long. I am lucky to be alive, and my mother and I were talking just yesterday about how lucky I am to have had such a strong family. Otherwise, I truly believe I would be dead (suicide/overdose). It explains why I struggled so much at my father's house. It explains why I treated my husband as well as others around me growing up with such disdain.

Hell, I unknowingly drank enough tequila to kill me one time in high school one night because I couldn't cope any longer. I am some sort of alcoholic. I struggle to drink responsibly. I didn't actively have the intention to kill myself, but I tried once by drinking 9 shots of tequila at 9 am after being on a bender for days when my husband went to the field. This was November of 2021. Like. I actually attempted suicide. I fucking laid on the train tracks and begged god to help me before running away from my husband in utter psychosis to my closest family to get help for myself.

It's like I have lived my entire life on autopilot. Literally. Now, I've cheated on the only man who could ever love me, run away from him in another horrible bout of psychosis, been hospitalized for the second time... sure. I am doing amazing compared to where I was before. But I can promise you, if I wasn't on meds that keep me stable, I'd have killed myself. There is nothing more in this world, not one single man can ever compare to my husband. I knew that from the moment I met him. Why the fuck do you think I married his ass. It wasn't for his looks.

Don't get me wrong, my man is handsome, sexy, and downright ravishing. However, I married him because I knew in my soul he was a good soul. He had his struggles, responsibilities, and such, but no one on this Earth has ever made me feel as he does. He lights up my soul like the mania does. He makes me feel like liquid gold is seeping through my veins. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to kill myself, and I even wrote letters. Twice. But when I got to his... I just couldn't do it. It was like... he literally is the glue that has held every broken piece together for the last five years.

Imagine fucking that up. Imagine being so twisted inside, not knowing how to be an adult or even a normal human being, and giving up on medication, turning to weed (not the best for this mental illness, but it curbed the manic symptoms and eased the depression... until my mind broke that is). I'd been smoking on and off since I was 14, so I knew it helped. I did the best I could without having a proper diagnosis. With no support, in a state 3 hours from my nearest family member, yet 14 hours from my mother and brother (who are my true family) and my friends.

When SZA said, "Don't you know I did it all for us, I did it all sober, I did it all on no drugs..." I fucking feel it in my soul. I fought depression. I fought mania. I gave the fight everything I had for so long, I tried so hard that my mind literally broke (sobbing again). Twice. My mind snapped like a twig this time around. My husband... my husband doesn't deserve what I have done to him over the years.

It is selfish of me to even continue being in his life, but what else could I do? He is the reason I breathe.

Just had to vent.

[flowerhungry]

tired of being ✨disposable✨

I do not think my move to North Carolina is going well.

There are more bad things than good things living with Cameron's mom.

It is insanely hot.

I was denied health insurance, and the dental insurance available to me is useless.

I have spent more than anticipated in moving costs.

I am not writing as expected.

I am not feeling as expected--I thought I would feel relaxed. I thought I would have purpose. Instead, I feel alone. Oh, how alone I feel. Being surrounded by a family who does not want you unless you perform accordingly is dreadful. (Though not much different from my family. Unfortunately, I do not have the familial tie, love, or commitment with Cameron's family making any and all acts of engagement difficult.)

I upset easily.

Normal activity exhausts me.

Restful sleep alludes me.

Cameron and I are "fighting" more. They are not fights, but rather emotionally draining conversations about how my transition is hard for her.

Unfortunately, I have to (can) look at all of these bullet points through different eyes:

Marina is drinking heavily. She is going through an entire $60 bottle of Jack Daniels every 3-5 days. (Not counting the Vodka...) Her behavior is erratic and concerning. Her dependence on and unrequited obsession with Andy only seems to grow despite the cross-country distance. I find her desperation to connect with Christian and Cole unattractive. Especially compared to her disinterest in connecting with Cameron, her daughter who wants connection. There appears to be trouble in her relationship with Lonnie; such a quick entanglement and ensuing fallout further demonstrates her inability to maintain relationships. She is not capable of giving me what she advertised or what I had hoped for. And that is not my fault. Advice from yours truly: Wait until everyone is asleep. Tiptoe upstairs with your freshly brewed green tea and your girlfriend's homemade sugar cookies. Dig out your best stationary. Light a black candle for light and protection. Put on your big noise cancelling headphones. Outline your misgivings, your expectations, and your hurt. Commit such emotion to paper in pencil in case the tide changes (because it will). Include your best wishes; your hopes for a relationship in the near future. Fold the paper nicely, making sure not to smear your intentions. Tuck into its forever home, seal with a lick of indifference, and leave it somewhere pretty. Then, let it be.

It is insanely hot everywhere. The Earth is dying. We are dying. There is no escaping; our coolest summers are behind us.

Yes, it sucks that you were not approved for Medicaid. Yes, it is truly unfair that universal healthcare does not exist in America. Yes, you should have kept your dentist appointment in October when you were still in California and still insured. But nothing can be done. There is no going back. This is the now, and, in the now, I have fourteen cavities. I am going to have to pay a significant amount out of pocket to have them filled. But nothing can be done. Advice from yours truly: Look into other options. Make a list. Call Mike. Schedule an appointment. Move forward.

Money is a renewable resource.

Stephen King, among countless others, said it best: you must write--the only way to get better is to write. The only way to learn is to write. Writing is the answer. Stop running away from your destiny! It sounds cheesy, but it is the truth! write is the sound your heart whispers when you ask, "what was I made for?" It always has been. Forever and always. Advice from yours truly: Watch more hero movies. Carefully craft a "bad bitch" playlist and listen to it frequently. Remember, you are a bad bitch. Bad bitches do not hide from what they want; bad bitches run after what they want. Start every writing session by writing intentions like Octavia Butler: "I AM A WRITER. I AM A BEST SELLING AUTHOR. MY BOOKS MAKE PEOPLE FEEL. MY BOOKS ARE ON THE NEW YORK TIMES BEST SELLING LIST. I WRITE IMPORTANT STORIES THAT MAKE PEOPLE FEEL, THINK, AND REACT. I AM A WRITER. I AM A WRITER. I AM A WRITER. MY BOOK HAS A BIRTHDAY." Laugh at yourself. Find the joy, the childlike wonder in writing again. You like it for a reason. Find it. Capture it. Put it in an ecosystem it can survive in, like one of those cool terrariums you see on TikTok. Nurture it. Keep it alive.

It is okay to not feel good. It is okay to not clean your room. It is okay to struggle. You are doing your best and that is all I have ever asked for.

You just moved across the country into a shared living space with a complete stranger who regularly invites other strangers into the shared living space. You have no job, no school, and no friends. It is normal to struggle under these conditions. It is normal to not be sleeping regularly. Honestly, it would be weird if you were not struggling in some way.

Cameron is struggling too. Most importantly, she just wants to help you. Advice from yours truly: Let her help you.

[breadthoughts]

Have you ever had a boyfriend that didn't taste right? I know I have, but you know what always tastes good? Bread. Bread is the most amazing invention of all mankind. To disregard it is to be insane. The worst of all human conditions is celiac disease and any other condition that causes one to be unable to eat bread, such as death. Here are the reasons why bread is so amazing.

For one, the divorce rate between two humans is over 45%. This is a stark contrast to the divorce rate between people and bread, which is about 0%. Boyfriends may eventually stop loving you, but bread won’t. Why would you want to get a boyfriend or get married when bread is always there?

Along with that, you can always buy or make more bread with little to no effort. How easy is it to find a good boyfriend? It’s freaking hard. You gotta find someone who treats you well, shares values, buys bread for you, and so much more. Good bread is not that hard to find and neither is it that expensive.

There are a lot of guys out there, but most aren’t even close to boyfriend material. Now, compare that to bread. How many kinds of bread are out there that you haven’t liked? For me, that number is very small. The only truly gross bread I’ve eaten is moldy and that is very easily replaced, unlike moldy boyfriends.

On another note, when you are single, you can still go on a ton of dates with different guys who will gladly buy you bread. When you have a boyfriend, he won’t want to go on a date every week so you don’t get free fancy bread very often. Also, when you’re married, you share the finances so you only purchase bread with your own money. If you were to buy the amount of bread you want, you would end up bankrupt.

If family is what you really want -along with bread- look around! This is the 21st century and there are a ton of single mothers out there. You could easily start a family by adopting children. You won’t have to go through the pain of childbirth or pregnancy nausea so you can continue eating bread as normal without throwing up or something. Also, your kids can help you make bread and maybe even start a bakery. Making bread is an essential skill these days because a lot of people can’t actually do it. Because bread is so amazing, you and your kids could make a fortune!

Would you like to know a fun fact? All forms of bread can fill the void. No number of boyfriends will make you feel warm and complete inside like bread does. Many times I’ve had a meal where no bread is present and each time, I don’t feel completely full. I only feel that amazing sense of satisfaction when I add bread into my diet.

Also, you can make bread into whatever you want. You can manipulate its flavor, shape, personality, texture, density, temperature, and the list goes on. What can you do with a boyfriend? You’re stuck with him the way he is and you can’t do a thing about it. Only he can change himself for better or worse. You have all the power over bread.

Often, when I was dating my imaginary boyfriend, I would cry. Men are such fickle creatures and they will do what they want. They can go at any time, leaving you without any source of bread. However, I can’t think of a single time where bread has made me cry. Every time I feel bread I am enriched with joy that nothing else can bring.

Along those lines, too often I’ve seen my friends drawn away from me because of their boyfriends. They consume your relationships. They want all the attention and some will force you to cut ties with any person who is somewhat significant in your life. Bread asks for nothing and bread wants nothing. You can have a party with all your friends, play games and have fun, and bread will bring it all together.

Bread fosters love and kindness like no other thing in existence. As the Holy Bible says; “Bread suffereth long, and is kind; bread envieth not; bread vaunteth not itself, is puffed up, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Bread never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; where there be boyfriend, it shall vanish away.” (1 Corinthians 13: 4, 7-8) Thank you for coming to my Bread Talk.

[furiousgoldfish]

If you're living in an abusive environment, and you often doubt your own memories and wonder if it's really that bad or if you're overreacting, here's a few things you can do:

Write down what your abusers are telling you in the time of abuse. It can be easy to disregard it at the time it's happening, but once you write it down, you can read it later and only then see how actually horrid and disgusting these words are. Whenever you doubt yourself, read these words. No loving parent or partner would say words like that, no matter what kind of angry they are. If you write in the dates too, these writings will also serve as a proof, if at any time you decide to take legal action against them.

Check the double standards – would you be able to get away with acting toward the abuser the same way they're acting towards you? Would you be safe doing any of the things abusers are doing to you? For instance, if they threaten you, or pick apart your appearance, insult and humiliate you, destroy your confidence, ruin your plans and goals constantly, invade your boundaries, act like you don't have feelings or imply you're worthless and a burden – could you ever do any of that back, safely? If the answer is no, then all of their aggressions, even ones they mask as 'jokes' and 'well intentioned' are based on a power imbalance. They're punching you down because they know you can't defend yourself. That's abuse.

Ask yourself, would I ever do that to someone. For every and each of their abusive actions, imagine yourself, with your own future kids, or a partner if it's the abusive relationship, and ask yourself if you would ever do any of that to a loved one, anyone. How would that person feel. Once you put yourself in their own shoes, and imagine someone else suffering at your hand, it becomes clear their excuses are worthless, a decent human being would never do what they did, no matter the circumstances.

Only abusive people will ever try to tell you that you're lucky it isn't worse. Only abusive people will demand you to be grateful, or compare themselves to someone worse to prove how bad it could have been. What you can do is keep having healthy references to what a non-abusive environment looks like. If it's your home, you should feel safe and loved in there. If it's a relationship, you should be completely equal, never diminished or told you're less than. If these people are nowhere near making you feel safe and loved, and insist on you being less competent, stupid, unworthy, deserving of pain – ask yourself what the heck is wrong with them. Even if by some insanity you could possibly be stupider or less competent, a loving person would never ever feel a need to say that to you to your face, they would see what is good in you, and point that out, over and over.

If your doubt in yourself is based on this person treating you badly, while they treat everyone else good, know that normal people treat their loved ones, their family, with more warmth, more allowances, more softness and forgiveness than their collegues, neighbours, outsiders, bosses or strangers. If this abuser chose the most vulnerable person, the one who relies on them the most, to abuse, something is wrong with them. They're obviously capable of being polite and respectful – as they let on by treating others better, so why don't they utilize their skill with someone who truly cares about them? Because at heart, they're just an abuser. Playing nice with others is only to build a reputation that helps them discredit victims. Problem is not within you, but a monster who treats the people they supposedly love, worst than enemies. They're incapable of love. You were lovable all along.

[janetbrown711]

“Why are you so nice to me” wakko or yakko max

To Wakko's delight, his brother kept good on his promise. Weeks passed and his brother devoted several days to restoring their bond just as it once was (the other days Yakko spent with Dot or with the both of them).

Heck, Wakko was so secure in his brother not abandoning him when Yakko asked if he could start up writing to Max again (at a much slower pace than before, he promised), Wakko said yes (barely) without hesitation. He knew that Max made him happy... and that he kinda owed it to Yakko to let him hang out with him again, as their little "not exactly falling out" was his fault (to him, anyway).

Everything was starting to seem... good- perfect, even.

However, Dot's birthday was rapidly approaching and Yakko was starting to get ideas.

"You know what we should do?" He said, lounging on the couch in the sunroom. "We should throw a ball for your birthday, Dot."

Dot perked up from her book. "What? Why? We never held balls for our birthdays before."

Yakko rolled his eyes. "That's because Grandma ruins everything. In this book I'm reading it says it was tradition for the royal family to hold big celebrations on their birthdays. I think it'd be fun- plus a great opportunity for you two to start making some friends."

Oh.

This again.

Wakko tried to laugh it off. "You'd have to get mum and dad to agree, and they've been pretty busy with the flooding in the west."

"Bah, that's mostly dealt with at this point. I'm sure they could use the break too," Yakko countered.

"B-but mom's coronation wasn't even that long ago," Wakko argued.

"It was over three months ago," Dot rolled her eyes. "I think a party would be fun," she looked to Yakko.

"Didn't you have fun at mom's coronation?" Yakko asked his middle sibling.

"Well I- I suppose I did..." Wakko thought back to the massive chalk drawing he had covered the floor with. It was pretty fun, and it made a lot of people happy.

"See? I'm sure a party in Dot's honor would be fun all the same- plus, making friends is great, I'm sure you'll love it," Yakko said with a reassuring smile on his face, though Wakko still wasn't quite convinced. However, he could see how much both of his siblings wanted this (even though the idea was only seconds old) and who was he to say no?

"Alright, I guess we can do that," He said, which made Dot clap in excitement as she began to detail everything she'd want for a party in her honor.

Wakko had a feeling this was going to be interesting.

.o0o.

As expected, their parents were ecstatic at the idea, and they spared no expense in attempts to create what they believed a much-needed celebration for the people of Warnerstock and their allies.

And to say it truly was Dot's creative vision would not be false. There were a lot of pinks- a lot, a lot of pinks. Though mostly tasteful, if you saw it it was hard to look away from.

But still, Wakko was happy for her, she was having the time of her life planning it all out with their dad, who was equally happy to spoil his little girl.

However, he knew deep down that despite what Yakko had sworn, her party was probably going to be very different from the coronation. He hoped it would be fun, but the more he watched decorations being put into place and talks about the guests and feasts the more he was beginning to worry.

He didn't say anything though, as the rest of his family seemed far too happy for him to want to bother them with his plight. They deserved this break, he was probably just being dramatic anyways. He'd be fine- and maybe make a friend just like Yakko said he would.

Wakko did his best to remain optimistic, despite the knots forming deep within.

It wasn't too long before the grand day arrived. Wakko had thought they had pulled out all the stops just for decorating but the day itself was insane too. Dot was showered in presents and even was taken out to town with William to go shopping for anything her heart desired, meanwhile Yakko, Wakko, and Lena stayed behind and supervised the final touches on the decorations.

Okay- really only Lena supervised, but Yakko and Wakko were technically there too. They didn't stay with her long, as she gave them a list of things to check up on so she could talk to some people which they were fine with.

Together, the brothers walked through the massive dining hall, checking curtains, flowers, vases, tapestries, etc. to make sure they were in the exact right places (not that the list really said where they were supposed to be) and checked them all off.

"So... are you looking forward to tonight?" Yakko asked, checking off 'left-most curtains'.

"Oh- uh- Yeah! I am... are you?" Wakko quickly said.

"Oh yeah, totally, it'll be great to see Max. It's been a while... you're still cool with that, right?" Yakko glanced down at him before checking another thing off.

Wakko nodded. "I won't try to prank or drive him away this time, I swear."

Yakko snorted. "I know you know better, I'm just asking if you're okay with me hanging out with him for tonight instead of you."

"Yeah, I am. You did say I should make friends after all," Wakko said, fiddling with gloves. Yakko looked away from the checklist and gave his little brother a side hug.

"I'm proud of you, you know that?" Yakko asked.

"Yeah, yeah," It was Wakko's turn to laugh.

"I'm serious-" Yakko let go and punched Wakko's arm lightly. "You're doing great. You should be proud of yourself too, you've come a long way."

Wakko smiled a little. "Maybe."

Yakko chuckled. "Well, it looks like we're just about done with this list. Wanna go turn it in to mom and go get changed into uncomfortable suits and greet guests for hours on end, or do you wanna just double and triple check the list until the last second?"

"Definitely check the list," Wakko laughed too.

And so the brothers did, until Lena caught wind of their shenanigans and forced them to start getting ready for the party (though they did cut a lot of time so technically they still regarded it as a win). At least those outfits weren't the worst they've ever worn (they were pretty confident nothing would ever top how itchy and miserable their funeral outfits were). Still, standing around and greeting people was a dreadfully boring job, not to mention awkward until their father and Dot eventually came to join them and actually do their job properly.

They knew their mom was busy, but leaving the two of them in charge was a little questionable.

Plus, after all that interaction, Wakko was starting to feel weird. Tired, but also not-? It was complicated. All he knew was that he wanted to be alone and maybe pace for a while, that'd be nice.

However, the party was to start in not too long, so he really didn't have time for that. He followed Yakko around for a while to the main party room where the people they had greeted before were all chatting amongst themselves. It wasn't too loud yet, but Wakko's tail twitched nervously as he weaved between people and conversations.

He hadn't been this nervous at the coronation- Wakko really wished he could figure out why he was feeling this way. Alas, he was unable.

He did feel a little better as Yakko and he found a spot of their own to chill in for a while, away from all the people.

"A lot of people came to this shindig, huh?" Yakko joked, "though probably no more than those who attended mom's coronation."

"Yeah..." Wakko said, trying to compare them mentally.

"More kids though, which is really good for you and Dot to make friends," Yakko said.

"Yep, yep," Wakko feigned enthusiasm.

"Are you okay..?" Yakko asked, causing Wakko to straighten out his act instantly and nod.

"Of course," he said. Yakko frowned.

"You don't have to lie you know," He remarked. Wakko bit his lip.

"M'just a little tired," he shrugged, figuring it was close enough to the truth.

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" Yakko asked worriedly.

Wakko nodded again. "I'll be fine, I'm probably just hungry."

Yakko laughed a little. "Alright, but you'll tell me if anything is wrong, right?"

"Mhm."

"Good."

The brothers stood in a bored silence for a while, before the rest of their family walked in and the festivities officially began.

It started with the feast, which was pretty harmless, as Wakko enjoyed talking with his family and the food was "quite excellent". The hall was filled with good cheer and hearty laughter, which he could appreciate.

However, after that, things began to blur.

It seemed only moments ago he was eating when suddenly everything was taken away and it turned into social hour. and Dot and their parents disappeared once more. He recalled Yakko asking if it was okay for him to go to Max, to which Wakko nodded and even pushed him away some. Oh god- he hoped that wasn't too aggressive.

Now he was alone. People were talking, walking, dancing, all sorts of activities. Wakko tried to take it all in, but all of the colors and sounds were starting to burn his eyes.

Friends. He was told he had to make friends.

He tried looking around for kids his age, but just turning his head made him dizzy.

Hmph.

Still, he was determined to function as a normal child would so he began weaving through the rapidly shifting crowd as he had earlier, just with a much louder and more busy crowd.

Suddenly his suit was starting to feel a lot more uncomfortable than before. God- if he could just find someone-

He bumped right into a lady in a bright purple dress. He quickly stuttered an apology before scurrying away as fast as he could, not even waiting for a response.

Seriously- was his suit trying to choke him? He pulled on it desperately, but if anything it just made the pull tighter. Wakko growled to himself as he walked further and further away from whoever that lady was, until he hit the wall.

At least the marble was cool, it was starting to feel like it was a million degrees in here.

Still, it wasn't enough. he still felt hot, and stuffy- was he even breathing anymore?

...Yes, yes he was. Rather fast though- oh dear, was that his heart? oh god- what was happening? Why was the music so loud? Why was his collar so tight? When was the last time he blinked? Where were these "kids" Wakko was supposed to make friends with?

Wait- no, he could see those. A group of them- shit, they were looking at him. Wakko noticed his nail was twitching nervously- he grabbed it and forced it to stop, but the kids laughed.

Wakko ran away again, covering his ears, his face turning red and the knot in his stomach transporting itself to his throat.

"No, no, no, no. Please, not now..." He pleaded with himself, but he didn't listen, and tears started to form. Wakko looked desperately for a quick way out, but still couldn't find any- curse the size of this place.

However, as his eyes darted around anxiously, he spotted something- a table covered in a white cloth that went to the ground. Without hesitation, Wakko went to it, making sure no one saw him before crawling underneath.

Wakko stayed there, covering his ears and rocking back and forth awhile, cursing his stupid brain for making these stupid tears that wouldn't end. He also cursed the stupid music for being too loud and the guests for being so many.

He wanted Mom.

He wanted mom to come and find him and scoop him up and take him to the playroom and sit in the rocking chair and rock him to sleep.

However, she didn't come.

No one did.

He was alone, and these tears weren't making him any calmer. Everything still felt so loud- it wasn't this loud before- he loved mom's coronation. Why was his brain so stupid?!

The young prince continued like that for a while, before someone came and lifted the tablecloth. He tried to make a run for it, but the someone grabbed his arm before he could- Wakko turned to look at their face and-

It was Max.

"S-sorry, I probably shouldn't... grab you," He let go, and Wakko scooted back, though he didn't leave. Max saw this as an invitation and joined him under the table.

"A-are- uh... Are you okay?" Max asked. Wakko looked away and shrugged.

"Right... not much of a talker..." Max recalled. Wakko nodded once, though he instantly regretted it, as it made his head feel weird.

Max tapped his fingers on his knee as he tried to figure something out. Wakko avoided any looks the Disney Prince gave him.

"Do you want some water? I can go get you some water," Max offered. Wakko sniffled and thought about it, before nodding once more (and regretting it once more).

with that, he disappeared, though not for too long.

Wakko noticed he stopped crying.

"Here, take this," Max handed him the glass. Wakko accepted the offering, taking a long drink.

Well, that felt at least a little bit better.

He glanced at Max.

"A-aren't you supposed to be with Yakko?" he asked.

"Dot was practically begging Yakko for a dance and I let him, it's her day after all," Max chuckled.

That made sense.

Wakko looked down at the glass, tapping his finger against it and looking at the water ripple.

"Do you need to step out of the party for a sec?" Max asked.

Wakko shrugged, taking a sip.

"Here- I'll help you find an exit," Max said, getting up and holding the cloth open for Wakko.

He hesitated.

He didn't deserve this- such kindness from the guy he locked in the tower mere weeks ago- it didn't make sense.

Then again, he'd give anything to get out of here.

Wakko listening to his senses and got out.

Carefully he followed Max through the gigantic room until they eventually reached a door, through which both of them slipped out of and into a calm and dark hallway.

Instantly, Wakko felt calmed, taking a deep breath.

"Wanna sit down?" Max asked, gesturing to the couches nearby. Wakko nodded. However, instead of sitting on the couch, he chose to lay on the cool floor, even taking off his gloves so he could feel the marble with his fingers.

Max didn't say anything for a while, not seeming to mind the silence. Which was good- because Wakko didn't feel like breaking it.

After a while though, a thought nagged at his brain.

Why.

Why on earth would Max help him? After everything he did? After everything he jeopardized? It didn't make sense.

Wakko sat up. Max looked at him but didn't say anything.

Wakko sighed.

"Why-?" He paused.

"Why... are you being so nice to me?"

"You were in trouble, I couldn't ignore that," Max shrugged. Wakko frowned, putting his gloves back on.

"I-i... Aren't you mad? At least a little?" He asked.

"It wasn't my first time being locked in a room for hours on end," Max snorted.

"Y-yeah, but I tried to hurt you. And Yakko..." Wakko looked at the ground. "I know how much you mean to him."

Max blinked.

"I- uh... well-" Max struggled with his words a moment.

"I don't... blame you, I guess. It's as new to you as it is to me and with a past and family tree like yours, I guess I don't blame you for lashing out? I dunno," Max shrugged, looking away.

Huh...

"Still... you didn't have to do this."

"I wanted to. Trust me, I would've helped any kid I found under there, but I'm glad it was you," Max said.

Wakko looked at him, deciding whether or not he believed that. Ultimately, he did.

"You know... Yakko talks a lot about you," Max said, piquing Wakko's interest.

"He worries a lot, but he says you're a really sweet kid, and I believe that," Max smiled a little. "You should be easier on yourself, you're still growing up you know?"

Wakko thought about that.

"I guess," He said. Max snorted.

"You know... you do seem like a pretty cool kid. I'm sorry if you ever felt I was ignoring you, I promise I'll try to make up for it too," He said.

Wakko thought about that too.

"Thanks," He said.

"I really do hope we can grow to like each other. Yakko means a lot to me and you mean a lot to him... you know?" Max blushed a little, scratching the back of his neck.

Wakko nodded, grinning a little.

"So... are we... cool?" Max asked.

Wakko thought about that as well.

"Yeah, we're cool," He said with his signature smile.

"Cool," Max grinned back. "Because I'm pretty sure Yakko might lose it if his dance with Dot ended and he can't find me."

Wakko laughed.

"Will you be alright?" Max asked, standing. Wakko nodded, getting up as well.

"I'm feeling a lot better... though I think I'll look for mum and dad," He said.

"Fair enough," Max nodded once. "Well- uh... see you around, I guess."

"See you around," Wakko laughed at his awkwardness before going back through the doors and back to the party.

Max followed soon thereafter, hoping Yakko wouldn't be too mad or worried at him for his sudden disappearance.

.o0o.

Yakko couldn't believe that a year ago today he thought his parents were dead. It baffled him honestly- he could turn his head and his parents were right there. They were never really dead- it shocked him to remember sometimes.

He also couldn't believe that only a year ago the most celebration they could share for Dot's birthday was a mini cake they had to sneak late at night.

And now look where he was- dancing in the middle of the ballroom with his little sister having the time of his life- despite the fact Dot couldn't stop giggling and he almost dropped her that one time.

However, he had to draw the line after three songs, which Dot understood, and he gave her back to their parents, hoping Max wouldn't be too mad about Dot taking up so much of his time.

"Ah, Max, there you are- sorry for dancing so long, I have a hard time saying no to her," Yakko laughed between pants, scratching the back of his neck.

"You just got done?" Max teased.

"Yeah, she really liked dancing," Yakko shrugged, putting his hands in his pockets.

"You look like you could use a breather," Max raised an eyebrow at him.

"Who, me? Whatever would give that idea?" He played back, wiping the sweat from his forehead.

"C'mon- let's go to the balcony," Max said, taking his hand.

When they got to the door Yakko paused as he looked back at his family, unsure. However, his parents looked at him, and after giving a fair look of warning, they both gave him a thumbs up and nod of approval, and Yakko went off with his prince.

However, they didn't pick a random one, they went all the way through the halls to the usual one they'd go to when Max visited Warnerstock (the kid had a thing for balconies).

"Ahh, fresh air," Yakko embraced the cool night.

"Yep," Max embraced it too, immediately going and leaning on the rails.

"Are you liking the party?" Yakko asked.

"It's pretty good- though a little crowded, but I always know how to find some space," Max answered.

"I feel that- when my birthday rolls around, I'll make it a lot less crowded. I don't know what Dot had against having it outside, but what are you gonna do?" Yakko shrugged.

"I think Wakko would appreciate a smaller shindig," Max said, looking at the garden.

"What makes you say that?" Yakko decided to take his place next to Max also leaning against the railing.

"Ran into him- he wasn't having the best time so I helped ground him again," Max said like it was no big deal.

It was.

"Grounded him? You- managed to calm him down? Is he okay? What happened?" Yakko asked quickly.

"Woah, woah, it's okay. He's totally fine, just... overwhelmed." Max said.

"Oh... well... I'm glad he's okay," Yakko took a deep breath. "And I'm even more glad you were able to help him- that's huge... really."

He looked at him when he said that last part. Max blushed.

"I would've helped anyone, seriously," He looked away.

"Mhm, sure," Yakko teased.

"I am serious though- it probably means a lot to Wakko- he doesn't accept help easily and to allow you... it means he's starting to like you," Yakko said in all seriousness.

"That's good," Max nodded. "I really do want your family to like me- I just... don't have the best ways of showing it, I suppose."

"Hey, you're doing great so far," Yakko held his hand.

There was a moment before Yakko realized what he was doing and both boys broke the gesture.

"Haha... yeahhhh," Max looked at the wall away from Yakko.

There was a stretch of silence between the two, neither knowing what to do. Sure they knew what they wanted but... things are never as easy as just doing what you want.

"My dad and uncles like you too- if you care about that," Max decided to say.

"That's good," Yakko smiled a little, rubbing his thumb on the railing.

Another pause.

"You know- It's funny to me how when we met you thought I might too cool for you," Max remarked.

"When did I ever say that?" Yakko said.

"You called me cool at least fifty times upon first meeting me," Max play punched his arm.

"As I recall, you called me cool, so who's the real cool one here?" Yakko punched him back and the princes laughed.

"Alright, alright, you got me," Max chuckled. "I was just trying to say you were totally wrong, I don't have a cool bone in my body."

"God- you're so cool you don't even know how cool you are. Typical," Yakko sighed teasingly.

"Hey, didn't I just say you're pretty cool too?" Max accused playfully.

"Oh please, you're way cooler. No trauma and with fluffy, luxurious hair like that? Please," Yakko rolled his eyes.

"Oh puh-lease yourself. Trauma is just a cool backstory and you're home is a lot more fun and a lot less crowded and your family is a lot more cool too," Max pointed his finger at Yakko.

"You're exaggerating," Yakko pointed back.

"Nope- not at all. You're one of my first true friends and that automatically makes you very cool," Max crossed his arms.

"Oh yeah? W-well-" Yakko paused, looking at Max carefully.

A pause.

Max's dark brown eyes shined back at Yakko, reflecting the stars that surrounded them wonderfully. His fluffy and luxurious hair framed his face with perfect ease. His signature smile slowly turned into that of curiosity.

Yakko felt his heart flutter.

"I'm not as cool as you think," Yakko stepped down, looking at the ground.

Coward.

Another pause.

"..."

"Well maybe you are right- maybe I am cooler than you."

"Wha-?"

Before Yakko could finish the sentence, Max grabbed his shoulder and pulled him into a kiss.

"S-see?" Max was internally "fjdkaf;sfj"-ing in his brain. "You've won- I'm a lot cooler."

"Y-yeah," Yakko could barely speak his face was as red as Wakko's hat. "You're... yeah," his face melted into a goofy grin.

"Oh god- I'm sorry- d-did you not mean that..?" Max panicked, quickly becoming embarrassed.

"N-no!" Yakko snapped to life. "I-i... I- uh..."

"I liked it," He managed to say. Max smiled.

"W-... Wanna do it again?" Yakko proposed, and Max nodded, and they shared another kiss.

Yakko knew it was corny to think, but it truly felt just like fireworks in his chest.

He liked Max- Max liked him. A part of himself was realized- and he felt alive. A good kind of alive- not the kind of alive that came from life or death situations.

"So... I guess that makes us even," Max joked. Yakko laughed.

"I guess so," He couldn't get himself to stop smiling- neither could Max. They looked at each other before bursting into laughter again.

"Man, we really should return to the party," Max said.

"Yeah, you're right," Yakko's face was starting to hurt from the smiling.

"Do- uh... do you think your parents will be cool... orrrr...?" Max asked.

"Psh, I'm sure they'll be fine," He said without hesitation.

"Cool," Max said, opening the door out of the balcony.

Yakko looked at him for a moment, trying to absorb the moment as best he could.

"You okay?" Max asked.

"Yep," Yakko said, taking a deep breath as he implanted it in his memory in his brain forever.

"C'mon, let's go before they think we've done something stupid," Yakko said, quickly joining Max and grabbing his hand before running back to join his family.

however, right before entering the party room once more, Yakko paused.

"Does this mean our friendship is basically ruined?" He asked.

Max thought about it.

"I wouldn't think of it as a ruining per se... maybe think of it as an upgrade of sorts," Max winked.

God, he was so much cooler.

"Cool," Yakko grinned, squeezing Max's hand.

"Well... uh- shall we?" Max let go and offered Yakko his arm.

Yakko thought about it.

Taking it would mean no taking it back- it would mean the whole party would basically know that they kissed (holy shit- they kissed! that was a thing that happened!). His parents, his siblings, practically the whole kingdom, and their allies.

Yakko couldn't imagine any other way to walk back in.

He took his arm.

"We shall."

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 The End

[disasterlesbiansunite]

Just Two Things: A Young Royals Fix-It Fic

His mama had stood over him as she began talking. Wilhelm could hardly focus; the vision of the video (his video, his and Simon’s video, the video of Simon) burned into his brain on a constant loop. She hadn't asked him if he was alright, not yet, but he had stopped expecting her to early on in life. Duty first, he guessed, as usual. She pulled away and off the bed, rattled off the words about the interview he’ll do to protect the royal family et cetera, et cetera.

“I don’t want you to see Simon for the time being,” she said, and he glanced up, suddenly feeling like his world is fell away underneath him. He wished Erik were here, that Erik was still alive. If he were, then maybe this would all go away. He doubted any of it could now.

--

August brought him dinner that night when he’s too exhausted to even leave his bed. He said that Erik would want Wille to be himself - but how is August so sure of what Erik would want him to do to fix this, to just get this whole shitshow over with, when the only person who knows that is six feet under.

“Follow your heart, really.” August said. “Follow your heart.”

If anything his heart only thought of two things at the moment. One is the crumpled up rage he feels that’s been broiling under his skin since he saw the video; the screaming, panicked wild thing that wants to shout at the world and watch it shouts back until no part of him remains, no crown prince, nothing.

The other part of his brain thought of Simon. Holding him, soft and warm until his skin, kissing his neck and inhaling as much of him as possible. Kissing him, kissing Simon, an exhilarating feeling he can’t describe, he won’t ever be able to describe. Almost all of the girls he had kissed had kissed gently and slowly, like they were afraid he would disappear right next to them. It always felt like he was being kissed by air, a ghostly possession that was over in a second and just as uncomfortable.

He would have thought that Simon would kiss like that, he had thought Simon would kiss like that, Simon had kissed like that, before they really truly got to know one another. Now, Simon kissed hard and rough, like he knew Wilhelm wouldn’t disappear but just as quick, aware he couldn’t have him by himself ever. Simon’s kiss had the edge of sandpaper, tough grit and fine smoothness rolled into one. Simon kissed for the sake of it, like there was so much he wanted to do to Wille, do with Wille, that he simply couldn’t function enough to do anything but kiss him. Wille fell asleep soon after that, dinner discarded. He wondered if the last time they would ever kiss would be the time that caused both of him to want to recoil from society and away from the world. A part of him hoped so.

The nail on his thumb was raw and bleeding.

--

As he walked through Hillerska, everyone stared at him in pity. He was used to the stares, used to the way his simple presence shut up people around until all they could do was give him a dumb look. It was pity that was new to him, but he tried not to focus on that as Malin rushed with him to his first class of the day. He knew the things they were saying, drove himself insane as he googled himself over and over again, watching Sweden’s trending page unravel until it felt like it was all over. He watched as Simon walked into their classroom, turning heads for once in his life. Once except for the amount of times he had his, of course. He mindlessly made small talk with his classmate, but all he could think of were two things.

After class he rushed into the locker room to talk to Simon. He looked sullen, his features that were generally framed in a light source of their own were moody and dark, an awkward, ill fitting portrait. He wanted to kiss it all away. Instead, kicked at Simon’s foot, hooking the two into a game of footsie.

“What the hell are we going to do?” Simon asked, wrapping his hands around Wilhelm’s, as if he had any of the answers. Breaking news, he didn’t. All he could do was sit in silence and hold Simon, it felt like the only thing he could do. Unless…

“They’ve asked me to deny it was me in that video.” He could barely get the words out.

“Serious?”

Wille hummed, unable to interpret that reaction. “They want me to make a statement at the castle on Saturday.”

Simon turned, his head moving off of Wille's shoulder in a way that feels entirely unwelcome. Put that back please. Wille had realized that he could only really function anymore in Simon’s arms. As if he wasn’t touch starved enough, but Simon was hot and didn’t mind so it didn’t really matter. “But you’re not going to do it, right?”

“I don’t want to say anything.” Simon doesn’t get it, but Wilhelm doesn’t expect him too; too impossible to explain.

“But, Wille, everyone can see that it’s me in that video,” Wille groaned. He had forgotten that slightly important detail. Simon continued, “What am I supposed to do? But no matter what, they can’t dictate what you say,” Yes, they absolutely can, they’ve done it before.

We haven’t done anything wrong.” He had forgotten that too, spending so much time yesterday going over consequences and contingencies ranging from plan A to Z it made his head bled. But no one had actually told him that they hadn’t done anything wrong. Not even August, with his love is love attitude that came out of nowhere. Not even fucking him.

--

Mama had been waiting for him. Mama had met Simon. She never looked twice at Wilhelm, veiled disdain souring her mouth as she stared out the window.

“What? Why can’t I just have a relationship with him? And not say anything. Just live a normal life.” He knows why. He just wants to hear her say it.

“You’re the crown prince.” And there’s the world crashing back down onto him. “And that’s a privilege, not a punishment.” It’s both actually, but whatever, mama.

“Yes, but I didn’t ask for this!” Erik should be here. Erik would know what to do.

“Well, nobody has ever, ever asked for this,” his mama shot back. He feels like a little kid again, feels like biting his thumb raw. “You’re the only one who can take over the throne after Erik. Don’t you understand that?” He wished she would just look at him.

“You’re so young. When you’re young love feels like the most important thing in the world. When I was your age, I too had an unfortunate romance.” He wants to laugh or cry or release that panicked, clawed, anxious feeling that’s always been trapped underneath his chest, beating his heart faster and faster and faster. Unfortunate romance, she said, like Simon isn’t the best thing to happen to him, like Simon wasn’t the only one holding him together, like Simon wasn’t the only real thing in his world.

He snapped back into the conversation.“Is it worth it,” she continued. “If you feel that the attention you’ve been getting so far is unacceptable, it’s nothing compared to what you will endure for the rest of your life. We have a chance to cover this up. I urge you to take this chance. You may not get another.”

With Simon on one shoulder, and his mama and the world on the other, it turns out he was going to make the statement after all. Fucking great.

--

He felt like throwing up, but, to be fair, when hasn’t he.

“Are you ready?” His mama asked, like he could ever be ready to announce to the world, no that definitely was not me in that tape and that boy is definitely not the love of my life, thank you very much.

He dragged his feet, as he went into the room where Rosenqvists sits. Like Mama said, they only have one chance to not fuck this up.

Rosenqvist smiles at Wilhelm, her eyes hawkish. He musters as much of a smile as he can, playing with the buttons on his suit as the photographer directs the two around.

“It’s good to see you again, your highness.”

His eyes darted around the room. He could hear his mama and papa argue in the room they were in

“You too.”

The interview began then, menial questions about his existence that made him want to bite at his thumb. He resisted, knew that if Rosenqvist saw how his anxiety was surging through him like a freight train and mentioned it in her interview, his mama would be more angry then she already was. The questions are simple really, he barely thought about the answers and more about how Erik would have phrased them. Not like Erik would have been in this situation.

“So, Wilhelm, we both know why we’re here.” She smiled apologetically at him. Here we go. “As you are, no doubt, aware of by now there was a video from Hillerska that is going viral of what is rumored to be yourself and another male student,” she paused for a moment, uncomfortable with the what she’s about to say to a boy she’d been interviewing for most of his life, “being intimate. What do you have to say about these rumors, Crown Prince Wilhelm?” She’s less probing, then. He can tell his mom already prepped her on how exactly this interview needed to go. Fuck.

“That’s not-” his words got stuck in his throat.

“That’s not you in the video?” She filled, looking more and more saddened with each word, more maternal that he thinks he’s seen anyone in his entire life. He wanted to nod, wanted to do what his mama wanted for him, wanted to listen to what she feels is best for their country, because it is theirs now, isn’t it? Erik is dead and gone and never coming back no matter how much Wilhelm wishes he had been able to keep him alive. Wilhelm doesn’t exactly know much about what it takes to be king, not like Erik did, but he’s pretty sure a leaked tape is one thing a king is not supposed to have on his record. Wilhelm should want to deny the rumors, so why does it feel like every time he tries to open his mouth that it’s filled with cotton, that panicked wild thing grabbing hold of his brain and shaking it like his snowglobe. It’s begging him to choose the path of least resistance. And then there was Simon. Simon with his pretty soft voice and his even softer lips. Simon with his kind eyes and hands and just Simon, Simon, Simon. Simon, who has already been broken by the video and if Wilhelm denies their relationship then he’ll only break more. The only things he can think about. Just two things. Two things he can’t seem to choose between.

He took a deep breath. Erik would have wanted him to follow his heart, would have said that that would be how he becomes a great king. By being kind and good, and wholly himself.

He chose.

--

Simon’s mama shouts for a rematch as he laughed into his snack.

Ayub tensed next to him, “Oh, shit.”

“What’s up?” Simon asked, confused. Did his dad ask him to go home or something?

Instead, Ayub read from his phone: an online copy of this week’s Göteborgs-Posten screenshotted and reposted to Twitter. “The Crown Prince addresses rumors of Viral Video.”

“What?” He could have sworn Willie had said he wouldn’t do the interview. His mom and Sara exchange glances.

Ayub read on, “While the Royal Court denies rumors that the Crown Prince appears in the video that has gone viral this past week, his royal highness Prince Wilhelm goes more in depth on his time at Hillerska and the events surrounding the video. He says, ‘I started at Hillerska to focus on my studies and have kept to that.’ At this moment, the prince pauses and grows quiet.

‘That’s not the entire truth. The truth is that that is me in the video. I do not know who took it or why but the facts remain the same. There are many people who would want me to not address the rumors surrounding me at this time, and some even would want me to outright deny them, but I disagree. If I am to be king, and no matter what happens from this I will be king, I want to be the kind of king the people can be proud of, the kind of king my brother would have been, and the kind of king that if he saw me he’d be proud of. And that starts by being genuine and being myself to the citizens of Sweden and to the world.’ ‘Everyone should be allowed to live as gay or straight or whatever they want,’ says the Crown Prince. ‘And I suppose the former includes me, but I would still like this time to decide further who I am and what kind of king I will be.’”

Simon is stunned. Of all things, he didn’t think of this as even an option. He fishes his phone out of his pocket.

To Wille: just read the interview, what. the. fuck.

From Wille: Is that a good “what. the. fuck!!!” or a “bad what. the. fuck?!?”

To Wille: you’re so brave, wille, thank you

To Wille: also according to ayub youre trending as “gay king wilhelm” on twitter rn

From Wille: Fuck yeah, bow down to your king. Meet me before school starts tomorrow, courtyard?

To Wille: see you then, gay king willie

As Simon approached the school - having already been stopped by four journalists, three photographers, two nosy neighbors and one blogger - he could see as Wille nervously paced at the edge of the courtyard, his hand rubbed deep into his chest, shirt creasing around it. Simon couldn't even begin to imagine what had happened in the palace after Wille’s interview. From what he saw the queen didn’t really strike him as the accepting type, but that was one of those things he’d let Wille discuss on his own time. He snuck up behind Wille instead, held his arms and kissed his neck.

“Hello, my prince,” he said and twirled Wille around and into his arms. Wille let out a little sigh of relief and if he could have held Willie there for forever he would. Wille smiles at him and kisses him on the cheek.

“Can we just go one day Simon without having your weird relationship issues making a scene,” Sara huffed past and quickened her pace to the school. Simon hadn’t noticed the stares, it felt like everyone in the courtyard had been watching them from Felice to August to other boarders Simon couldn’t name, but that had definitely called him names. Simon can’t bring himself to care anymore.

“I’m so proud of you, Wille.” Wilhelm let out a little noise, the only amount of negative emotion that being schooled on refinement since before he could talk would allow. He grabbed at Simon’s coat and drew him in for a hug.

“I love you,” Wille said and suddenly Simon’s whole world had shrunk down to three words.

Wille quickly ended the hug and walked towards the school, his bodyguards following quick after. Simon speed walked up to him and grabbed his hand, “I love you too.” Wille broke out into that tiny golden smile Simon loved to tease out and grabbed Simon’s hand.

The stares followed but Simon didn’t care. “Just two things left,” he said, “Get through this last day before break and then find whoever took that video.”

“And then?”

“I haven’t gotten that far yet,”

Wille hummed and played with Simon’s as they settled at the doorway of their first class of the day, “You might want to work on your plans.”

“No, my plan only needs those two things.” Simon messied with Wilhelm’s hair and strolled into the classroom.

Wille followed after one hand fixing his hair, the other clutching at Simon’s hand, muttering, “Just two things?”

Just two things.

[shotofire]

A Life Saver

•LEVI ACKERMAN x READER

•Overview: Levi saves you, someone he barely knew, from certain death

•Warnings: mentions of death, gore description, cursing, near death experience, bit of angst, very brief mention of sex

•Season: season one range with a few altercations

-

At first, you didn’t want to become a scout. The thought of putting your life on the line wasn’t appealing, and it really just scared the hell out of you. Serving in the military police was a path you chose to go down. It was what you wanted for awhile then things started to not feel right.

The scouts were putting other lives before their own and you began to admire their bravery. Even when things looked like there was no light on the other side they pushed through. They proved that even mass death can result in a small victory that gave the people hope, something to help the nation push forward.

After serving in the military police for many years you decided it was time to step down. You wanted to become a scout, you wanted to help make a change. Your comrades thought you were absolutely insane, and they begged you to not make the choice. You refused, and soon you joined the scouts.

Mission after mission you survived and killed titans. You lost friends way too often, and the hurt and loneliness that came with the job would make anyone break. You’d been broken from the inside out in ways you’d never imagined. At the end of the day, you knew it was for the greater good.

The hope for a change only became greater when a boy showed up with the abilities of a titan. You knew to have such strength on your side was promising, and you saw light at the end of the extremely dark tunnel.

You’d served many long heart wrenching years by the time hope like that had shown up, and it only pushed you to keep going. You longed to live in a world without titans. All you wanted was to run free in field and see new things.

Today was a normal day, but that’s how any bad day starts. You’d woke up early to watch the sunrise with your close, and pretty much last friend, Molly. She was the best person you’d ever met and had been by your side for years. You had never admired anyone more than her.

“You know that titan kid is only fifteen, isn’t that insane?” She says before taking a sip of the coffee you had made her.

Your eyebrows raise at her words, “Wait really?”

The women laughs a bit at your shocked reaction then nods her head. She sets her coffee on the blanket you two are sitting on then leans back onto her hands, staring up at the sky that swirls with colors of orange and pink.

“To have this kind of hope is the best feeling i’ve had in years,” she says, “this is going to unlock so many closed doors we don’t know about. I think that finally we’re going to get some answers about how the hell the world turned into this mess.”

The smile on her face was full of such joy. She truly was excited for the future, you’d never seen someone actually look forward to what is lying ahead. A few days ago everyone thought titans would rein for hundreds of more years. Then all of the sudden that perspective has changed and no one knows what is going to come next.

“Yeah, I hope the future is bright,” you whispered.

You lay down to stare up at the sky, and Molly follows your movements. The two of you lay there in silence, thinking of a peaceful world where so much fear and death does not exist. You turn your head to look at your bestfriend to find her eyes are already on you.

“Our futures are bright, (y/n),” she says with a smile, “We’re going to live in cute little houses by the ocean!”

You can’t help but smile and roll your eyes at her. She always brought up this big body of water she’d read about in an illegal book when she was a teenager. The women could go on an on about it, as if she’d seen it before herself.

“If the ocean is even real,” you say with a smirk.

She scoffs at you before rolling her eyes harder than you just had, “Of course it’s real!”

You two spend the next hour talking about what you’d do or who you’d be doing if life were different. Molly wished for a family, to fall in love. She’d talked about it many times before but she refused to bring children into a world like this. You felt similar, expect children weren’t really on your radar. You longed to fall in love and grow old with someone.

But everyday brought death and destruction. You didn’t want to fall madly in love and then watch your whole world crumble as a titan took them away from you. The pain you had from your friends screaming your name as monsters had them in their grip was already too much to bare.

Heavy footsteps came in your direction at high speed, and soon you could hear heavy breathing along with it. You and Molly sat up quickly and saw one of your comrades running at you with pure fear in their eyes.

“Wall rose has been compromised!” They scream, voice laced with panic.

Molly’s eyes widen right as yours do. The feeling of uncertainty course through your veins almost instantly. You’ll never get used to the way your stomach drops when you hear things like that. Who could ever get used to that? Knowing you’re about to watch more people die would make anyone feel this way.

Before you know it you’re running to get your uniform on and strap on your gear. No one saw this coming. Then again, how the hell would they see this coming? You scramble to find you gear and you panic as it’s no where to be found.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” You yell as the panic begins to set in.

Hands grab each of your shoulders to hold you still, and that’s when you see Molly’s worried eyes. She looks at you with concern. The last mission had both of you on edge more than ever before. Both of you lost someone dear, someone who was close to you as you were to each other. Knowing that today you could lose Molly was making your mind and body think like a mad man.

“You gear is with my stuff, remember? You didn’t want to lose it so you asked me to hold onto it,” she reminds you.

The sweet women pulls you into a tight hug, and you can feel her body trembling. The two of you had no time for this, people were probably already being slaughtered. Right as you begin to think this a scream rips through the air, one that makes you two grip one another tighter.

“We’re going to fight and we’re going to survive,” she says sternly, “do you hear me? Don’t you dare die on me (y/n).”

You nod into her chest as tears begin to form in your eyes. So much could change in an instant and you wished time could freeze so you could hug your bestfriend forever. But reality was sinking in and you knew you had titans to kill and lives to save.

The hug was short lived, and soon you were faced with the destruction held within wall rose. Titans stomped around mindlessly, some with those creepy smiles that you absolutely hated.

Your blades cut through nape after nape and your head was starting to spin. Somewhere along the way you lost Molly, which had never happened before. You hated not having her around. The constant fear of not knowing what position she could possibly be in made you sick to your stomach.

You flew through the air at a high speed, trying to get leverage on the abnormal that was chasing after you. It’s mouth hung open as it’s disgusting blood drenched touched dripped into the buildings below. You’d never faced an abnormal and didn’t expect it to dodge your attack minutes ago.

Sure you were extremely skilled but it’s hard to work your way around a fast moving titan. It’s arms flew in the air behind it, the beast was an odd sight. You’d never witnessed a titan act so strangely before.

You’d been observing the monster too closely, but only for a few seconds. But as any soldier knows, a few moments can cost you your entire life. You turned your attention back infront of you but you didn’t have time to react before you slammed into a chimney. Out of all things that could’ve contributed to your death it just had to be a damn chimney.

The impact made your vision blur and you couldn’t even really feel the pain. The sun beamed down on you as your body layed limp on the rooftop. The sky was a beautiful shade of blue, and you wished you could fly up there with the birds and be free.

The abnormals hand picked you off the home as if you were nothing, only a small ant compared to it. It’s eyes were completely lifeless as it stared at you with hunger.

“Don’t you dare die on me (y/n)!”

Molly’s words rang through your mind but you couldn’t move. The injury to your head made you feel as if you were in a dream. There was no sense of reality right now, you couldn’t even comprehend that you were about to reach your end.

In a way you knew, reality wasn’t too far off. But you couldn’t find the energy to fight back. It had all been drained from you as the battle continued, and the final blow left you motionless.

You closed your eyes hoping somehow that’d stop you from feeling the coming pain. Every part of you didn’t want to die. Molly’s dreams about living by the ocean had become yours as well even if you wouldn’t admit it. The thought of leaving her with no body brought tears to your eyes.

That’s when you tried to move with the little energy left in your body, but it was no use. The tears began to stream down your face and the fear began to set in. Fear like this had never been within you, it was a brand new feeling. You guess certain death does that to you.

“No!” You say as loud as you can, “Someone please help me!”

Knowing this is what so many of the people you loved had to experience broke your heart. It was already bad enough to know they were gone and you couldn’t have saved them. But this was so much worse, they died with such fear. Fear that almost paralyzed you.

The sound of blades ripping through skin filled your ears. The titans grip on you loosened, then let go completely. You felt yourself falling, but you kept your eyes closed. Fear had already made its way to every inch of your body and you couldn’t move even more than before.

Right before you slammed to the ground below strong arms caught you. A grunt slipped past the unknown persons lips at the impact of your body. They carried you into a near by tavern that was deserted of people, then set you on one of the tables.

“Hey,” the deep voice said, “c’mon now I know you aren’t dead, don’t go out like this.”

Your eyes fluttered open to see the dangerously handsome man in your face. He was awfully close, you could feel his breath on your nose. His eyes were wide with concern.

“Captain Levi?” You asked followed by a gut wrenching cough. Blood splattered onto your lips and you groaned.

He couldn’t have been the one who saved you, right? You’d only talked to Levi a handful of times, and all were him giving you orders. You’d never had a desire to talk to him even if you found him incredibly attractive.

You’d admired the man for years as well. He has lost as many people as you, maybe more. He had already been on the scouts for many years before you joined. The man had watched the passion you held as you killed titans at alarming speed. He knew exactly who you were and what you had to offer, that’s why he saved you.

He smiled softly at you, not even enough for you to notice. For a second he thought you wouldn’t wake up and he’d be carrying a lifeless body back to medical. You cough a bit more before sitting up. A gasp slips past your lips and pain shoots through your body.

“Holy shit that fucking hurts,” you curse.

You see the fresh blood on your hands and wonder if it’s yours. The pounding in your head only increases as you move. The room felt like it was spinning and you may vomit any second.

“Do I need to take you to medical?” He asks with concern in his voice.

Your vision looks at the raven haired man and your memory starts to come back. One second you were flying through the air and then stupidly slammed into a chimney. And that damned titan was about to feast on you, what a bitch. Then you realized Levi was the one who stopped you from your near death.

“Why did you save me?” You ask without answering him first.

He sighs at your question. He had only moved that fast to save someone a handful of times. It just felt right to save you. He was there, you were there, he couldn’t just let you die. It wasn’t too far out of reach, he had already been headed in your direction.

“Because you’re strong and the scouts need you,” he answers, “now tell me if I need to take you to medical.”

His features were stern and it made your stomach flip a bit. If there weren’t titans outside and pain wasn’t consuming your body you may have thrown out a stupid flirtatious remark due to your bubbly personality. But this wasn’t the time and place no matter how good the captain looked right now.

“I just need a minute,” you said softly as you pushed your weight off the table.

You hissed in pain before stretching your body. The bones in your body crack loudly and you let out a low grunt at the feeling. The pounding in your head began to simmer and you took deep breaths.

“Thank you captain Levi,” you said, “my friend would’ve personally brought me back to just kill me herself.”

He chuckled a bit at your remark and you couldn’t even recall captain Levi smiling let alone chuckling. This whole situation was weird and unrealistic to you. Maybe you were already dead and this was your afterlife. A hot guy saves you and later you two will go to bone town, sounds pretty fun.

“I literally ran into a chimney,” you grumbled.

Levi’s eyes squinted at your words in confusion, “You what?”

“I didn’t get caught by a titan while trying to kill it heroically. I wasn’t paying attention for like three seconds and slammed into a damn chimney, not too sure the scouts really need me,” you say.

He shakes his head at your words and was becoming annoyed by your self doubt.

“I know, I saw,” he says and your cheek almost immediately turn red, “and I still saved you cause I thought you were worth it.”

You couldn’t get words out after what he said. You only stared at him in shock. He saw you make a foul out of yourself but yet still risked his life to save you. Levi truly was an interesting man.

“Well then, thank you again,” you say, “maybe I should thank you in a different way.” You wiggle your eyebrows then let out a laugh into your palm as his face falls at your words.

“Holy shit i’m kidding, please don’t make me do laps for that. Jokes make me feel better,” you still were holding back laughter at the face Levi made. You never thought you’d make the captain flustered like that.

“Uh,” his cheeks redden, “We need to get back out there. It’s starting to get worse, are you sure you’re okay (y/n).”

You take a deep breath before nodding your head. The two of you immediately begin to speed walk towards the open door of the tavern.

“I’m going to need you to follow me. The titans are huddled in the west and help is needed there,” he orders you and you respond with a yes captain, which always makes you cringe.

“Oh and by the way,” he says with a smirk, “that other way of thanking me is always welcome.”

This time he leaves you flustered. He heads west and you stand there for a few seconds before you remember you’re supposed to be following him. His remark might have you slamming into another chimney.

After fighting for hours many people had been successfully moved to wall sina. Some titans still mindlessly walked around within the walls of rose, but atleast many people were saved. There was still a great heartfelt loss that day.

When you got back to base your heart was pounding in your ears. All you could think about was Molly and if she was okay. You hadn’t seen her since you two got separated during the hell bent events. Your eyes scanned frantically through the base, searching for her everywhere.

Your mind went to the worst place possible and you begin to panic. She had to be okay, she was all you had. You needed her more than anyone else. If she’s gone you might as well let a titan eat you during your next mission. Molly kept you alive, and kept you fighting.

“(y/n)?” You hear a familiar deep voice ask.

You spin on your heals and are met with the same deep brown eyes that saved you earlier today. Levi looked upset, face a bit fallen. That’s when your heart sank to your stomach. Did he know where Molly was? Or if she had even made it back?

“Follow me,” he says without any other detail.

He starts walking and you immediately follow as your heart races. At this point you wouldn’t be surprised if he could hear it. Your eyes scan to a sign that says medical as Levi opens the door below it.

You’re led to a the back of the room and you gasp at the sight. On the bed layed Molly with bandages covering many parts of her body. Your eyes fill with tears at the safe shes in, this was too much.

“She’s going to be okay, and the nurse told me she should be up soon,” he says.

You nod your head at his words before reaching to hold Molly’s hand, it was cold as ice.

“Can you please get her a blanket,” you state, it wasn’t even a question. It was more like you weren’t letting go of her hand, more like you couldn’t.

Levi nods and fetches her a couple blankets. He covers her for you and you thank him. The tears still run down your face, but you had already stopped wiping them away. It was no use because they just kept coming harder and harder as you looked at your bestfriend.

“Thank you Levi, I would’ve gone crazy looking for her back there,” you smile through the hurt.

He only hums in response to your words, letting silence fill the air. His hand comes to rest on your shoulder and his fingers move slightly to give you some comfort. It truly was a nice feeling to have someone with you right now, you might think too hard if he wasn’t here.

“I’ll give you some space-“ “no,” You cut him off, “please don’t go.”

Levi sees the hurt in your eyes. He could tell you needed someone right now even if he wasn’t much of a comforting person.

“okay,” he whispers.

He then pulls up a chair next to yours and sits with you for the next few hours in silence. It was somewhat nice, for both of you. Molly begins to stir in her sleep and your perk up. Her eyes flutter open and the first thing she sees is you and she smiles.

“We’ll look at that,” she smiles, “you’re just obsessed with me aren’t you (y/n).”

You laugh through happy tears forming in your eyes. She takes a deep breath and tries to stretch her body but the pain to still too much. She feels your grip on her hand and she squeezes at yours.

“You didn’t think i’d go out that easily did you,” she asks with a smirk on her chapped lips.

“Not for a second,” you said back almost immediately.

She lets out a small laugh at your words. For a second she did think she was going to die as a titan smacked her body mid-air, but that’s all she can remember. It was that, and then she wakes up in medical confused as hell. But seeing you made her know she definitely was okay. Her eyes scan to the figure next to you to see captain Levi. You’d told her before that you’d totally jump his bones if he let you.

“Did you screw the captain while I was out?” she asks playfully.

You and Levi’s breath hitch at her words and she can’t help but let out a laugh. It hurt her chest to laugh that hard but it also in a way made her feel better.

“Really Molly? You were just half dead a few minutes ago and that’s what you wanted to say?” You couldn’t help but laugh along with her. You’d rather her make you and the captain flustered than her be dead.

Levi couldn’t help but smile widely, but he put his head down to hide it. That day you and Levi developed a liking for each other, and both of you couldn’t remember the last time you felt this way.

The lives you each led was going to make it hard, but feelings are strong.

After an hour or so of talking to Molly she fell back asleep for some well needed rest. Levi walked with you down the hall back to your room, making small talk that was hard to even keep going.

“Thank you again Levi,” you look at him with sparkling eyes, “I’m pretty sure anyone else besides Molly would’ve let me be titan desert.”

“Of course, I would never let you be titan desert,” he mumbles the last part. He’d never heard someone refer to themselves as titan desert before, it almost made him laugh.

You stop at your door and look at his with an adoring gaze. He truly was nice looking, and incredibly brave. You wanted to be just like him, you wanted to be even stronger than him one day.

Before you could think you were leaning in to kiss his cheek. His eyes widen and his face heats up. The action rendered him speechess and he watched as your reached for the handle and opened the door before slipping in your room without another word.

He stayed in the hallway for a few seconds staring at where you just stood.

“Shit,” he whispered.

That only sparked his feelings for you further, and he knew this was the beginning of something he’d been avoiding his whole life.

Love.