#trying to figure things out without context or explanations

[furiousgoldfish]

This is something I experienced as a child, that I don't fully understand yet, but it contributed greatly to me feeling like my parents are right and I must be stupid. I want to know if this happened to everyone else.

So there would be times when I would be under immense pressure from the abusers, and they would try to force me to understand a concept, but mostly by shaming me and yelling at me for not getting it and repeating some kind of, very general and non-explanatory claim that apparently should have been enough for me to get it. But I could not, in my brain, make a connection, I'm not sure if it was because at the moment I was terrified, pressured, ashamed and threatened, or if I was too young to figure it out. Sometimes my mind would go completely blank and I would not be able to take in new information at all, even though I desperately wanted to understand.

However, years later, I would remember that same thing, but now I had more context about it, more knowledge that surrounds it, more ideas on how things work, and even without thinking about it more, I would suddenly understand what they were talking about. I don't know if it's the additional knowledge of the world that would help me put it together, or if it was brain development, or something else.

I had a similar problem at school, where sometimes things would be explained generally, and I just didn't understand it, I couldn't see the process of how the thing worked, and it was being said like it was something easy to understand, that I should have figured out instantly, and other kids seemed to get it. It left me permanently confused and worried that I must be somehow stupider than anyone else.

But, again years later, when I ran away from the abusers, I looked at the same concept and it made perfect sense instantly, and I didn't know how I couldn't make sense of it earlier.

Nobody had ever bothered to sit down and explain anything to me, even in school I was expected to have basic knowledge and build up on it. But growing up abused meant the most simple concepts were not explained; instead parents would say whatever suited them most was the truth, or tell me to stop being annoying with my questions, and I was left in the dark over the inner function of, pretty much anything. Sometimes, even when I did learn something at school and came home with the new knowledge, they would decide that it was trivial, wrong, unnecessary, and simply false. Which also made learning harder because I had to question everything, at all times.

Not being able to understand what others could instantly made me believe that I was in fact, stupid, and it made it more difficult to believe my own senses, my own conclusions, it made it difficult for me to know that my own thoughts, opinions and conclusions had any value at all. I often ignored my own instincts and senses and took for granted what others told me, which later often proved to be false, and just manipulative misinformation.

After escaping abuse, my mind cleared up and I don't know if I can attribute it to my brain finishing its development, but things are now extremely easy to understand, and any concept I struggled with before, comes naturally to me. I think at least a part of it had to be about me being in fight-or-flight mode and whatever brainpower I had fully focused on staying alive. I could not figure out some concept that made no sense to me in such a state. I also think it's possible that I just lacked so much general knowledge, I lacked references to put those ideas into context, I could not connect the knowledge to anything I've seen or experienced before, because I had no experienced that many things, but other kids have, so they could make the connection.

I'm also suspecting that maybe, general and vague descriptions of things were something I rejected because I needed to understand something in depth in order to feel like I am familiar with it, if I only had the wide general idea, I still counted it as 'not knowing', until I had some intimate experiences with inner workings of it. And with more life lived, I had more experiences, and became familiar in a way that made me confident about understanding it.

Did anyone else have a similar experience, and do you maybe understand why it happens this way?

[miss-cincaide]

Can we try…? 

Summary: Megumi knows how to get you to try new things in bed. It’s like a little dance between you two, but even when all the steps are right, there’s still plenty of room for it to take a different route, Or the time Megumi wants to try something new and it turns into a quickie

Pairing: Fem! Reader x Megumi Fushiguro (aged up!) Kinktober prompt 7: Quickie  WC: 1.9K Warnings: Minors DN, 18+ content! Contains (p in v, unprotected), trying new kinks, quickie, light choking, pet names and praises, cursing, PwP

Megumi has an approach, a method to the way he tackles ‘new things’ and ‘sex’ in the same context. It’s never a spontaneous- spurr-of-the-moment request in the middle of getting hot and steamy, or a prolonged nagging until you give in. Instead, it’s always this meticulously planned mission that lasts over several days- if not weeks—slowly giving you hints and time to ease into the idea. To figure out what you want; are you curious? Scared? Comfortable? Aroused? Are you okay with him asking you for it or is it off-limits entirely? 

He always does it in a way that gives you time to think—a chance to set your boundaries without feeling pressured or scared that you are disappointing him. Just react and move on, no questions asked.  

And it drove you fucking wild. 

The kind of wild you’re ready to drop your panties, bend over and receive his cock with a gracious ‘yes please’ and ‘fuck me baby’ in one breath. The kind where you edge him on through flirty texts while he is away on his mission, and if you’re really desperate, then some naughty pictures too. Just enough that when he comes home at midnight, he’s just as fucking hot and bothered as you’ve felt the entire day. Rock-hard on, more teasing which leads to a messy, loud and steamy round one in the shower- the usual catalyst of that equation. 

Normally that is.

But as you stare at the computer and the ‘accidentally open’ history full of search terms spread over the last few weeks, you don’t know what to make of this particular kink. Your hand shakes slightly, moving the mouse to the ‘delete history’ button, then away from it, then back to it. The frown on your lips grows more profound as you bite the inside of your cheek in thought. You don’t know what to do with it. Cockwarming. What the heck even is that? You click through some of the links. Definitions and explanations, but still don’t get the complete picture of it. Or at least what’s so arousing about it. You take a step back from the screen, glance at the clock, and conclude that you don’t have a lot of time until Megumi comes home. Of course, you could postpone deciding- there’s never any pressure for sex or otherwise when he’s around. But also, you haven’t seen him for a few days. You missed him, and want to feel the connection, the intimate closeness that came with being vulnerable and trying something new with your loved one. 

You take a long moment to consider the act itself.  Is it so out there that you’d never want to try it? No. You’ve done plenty of penis in pussy action, a lot of it left you whimpering and asking for more. And part of your aftercare was spooning and cuddling. Technically it wasn’t something you two hadn’t done yet, but you also knew you were gonna struggle with feeling him close without chasing the high of an orgasm. Was that a deal breaker? 

Fuck it! 

You closed down the computer and headed back to your joint bedroom to freshen up before settling under the warm covers, silently waiting for Megumi to come home. 

You must have dozed off waiting for him because you woke up to the feeling of Megumi climbing into bed with you. His wet hair ticking the back of your neck, and the smell of your mango body wash filled your senses. His arm came to wrap around your waist, and you instantly wiggled closer to him, feeling the heat of his bare chest through your thin nightgown and the unmistakable outline of his half-hard cock through his boxers. 

The feeling instantly made you more awake. “Hmmm, you’re home and showered already, Gumi?” you groan out, salvaging the feeling of his lips showering your cheeks, your neck and your bare shoulder in kisses. You’re definitely enjoying the princess-wake-up treatment.

“ Got done early, missed you” Megumi mumbles, pressing a long kiss on your bare shoulder “ How is my baby doing?” the playful tone and care in his tone made you smile and snuggle closer to him, throwing your leg back and he caught it in between his thighs. He adjusts a little, then begins a soft rocking motion, at first trying to get as close to you as possible until you are cocooned up in his arms. Then it turned into sensual grinding. 

You are practically purring at the sensation, the warmth and the closeness. “ I miss you too.. So I.. ehem.. Thought if I napped a little, I’d get to see you sooner,” You slowly blink the sleep away as Megumi chuckles, pressing another long kiss to your neck. Purposefully avoiding the covered skin. “Gumi!” You whine then raise your shoulder, shaking off the nightgown strap until it slides further down your arm,  exposing your collarbone and the top part of your tits to him. 

You hear his humm, a clear indication that he is listening as he covers the newly exposed skin in kisses “What is it? Is my baby unhappy with something?” Megumi smirks against your skin, making sure to roll his hips just right as he asks. You feel every inch of him, from his needy tip to perfect lengths, and you grind right back against him, your hands seeking his out on your waist before tugging it down to where your nightgown meets your thigh. “Does my baby want something?” 

“Megumi” You’re whining now, rocking together with him. You want him, and you weren’t ready to untangle yourself from him anytime soon. You want him closer, closer, to lay in bed wrapped up in each other's arms. “About the thing- why?” 

 “ Why?” Megumi repeats slowly, blinking in thought, his long lashes brushing against your cheek as he tries to formulate his feelings into thoughts. “Because I want to feel my baby close, to be as close as we can physically be without rushing or needing to clean up the mess.” Megumi takes a shaky breath, kissing up your neck to your ear “Can– can I?” 

You hummed a little. You could understand that sentiment, in a way, “But there’ll be no pleasure.” You mumbled quietly. “Won’t it be boring?” 

“Does everything have to pleasure and excitement?” as if to prove his point, he presses another long kiss on your shoulder, holds his lips there, looking at you through long lashes. His gaze is intense; he is eating you up with his eyes, turning your insides on fire and mush all at once. 

You fall in love with him all over again. From the messy hair, gentle touch, and worshipping kisses to the way he looks at you as if you’re the most precious thing in existence. Most precious to him. 

“Let's try”, you whisper, and you see him hesitate for a second, clearly not sure if he’s pushing you too much, and it makes you smile.’ God you adore this man’, you think to yourself as you press a kiss to his forehead, another on his hair, and then duck down to his lips. The kisses are soft and loving, a stark contrast to the way you grind your ass against his crotch. Your nightdress hikes up until it's just your bare skin against his damp boxers. 

Megumi breaks the kiss, biting down the moan on his lips as he drops his head on your shoulder.  “Fuck baby, you’re too good to me” Reaching out he clutches your hand in his while the other one leaves your thigh to pull down his boxers. “Too good.” Another kiss is on your shoulder while he adjusts your leg, shifting it from between his legs to on top of them. 

“You’re one to talk” you breathe out, spreading your legs wider, salvaging the feeling of his cold fingers between your legs. Checking to make sure you’re okay, that you’re aroused enough, relaxed enough. Megumi doesn’t want to hurt you, and every time he takes extra moments to check on you, it melts your heart; “I love you” Your eyes meet his for a second as he leans over your shoulder. 

“Love you too, baby” 

You both moan as he pushes inside you, slow and steady. Inch by inch until he’s nestled balls deep. You can feel him twitching, and it takes absolutely everything from you not to rock your hips. “God, I’ve missed you, Gumi.” You clench around him, and he curses.

“Fuck baby, Fuck. if you do that again I’m going to lose it” Megumi’s practically trembling in your arms.

“Do what Gumi?” You blink innocently, knowing he won’t be able to see it with his face buried in the crook of your neck, panting like a dog in heat. You know precisely what you’re doing. You can’t help it. “I’m not even–” You gasp as he pulls out and thrusts into you. The hand on your thigh drops between your legs, skilled fingers knowing exactly how to move to leave you breathless, while the palm of his second-hand lands on your throat. 

“Ohh just like that, Gumi, don’t stop” You whimper, turning your words into gasps and moans as his hand tightens ever so slightly around your throat. Let's go, then tightens again as he rolls his hips just fucking right and you meet them with a thrust of your own, your leg on his thigh spreading wider “Mmm s’close Gumi, ahmm, close” 

“God baby, yes, just like that pretty baby, clench just like that. You’re so good to me, your pussy feels so good, fuckk you’re so pretty like this-” 

You moan at the sweet nothingness in your ear, each breathless my pretty baby making you weak. You feel his thrusts quicken, the fingers on your clit rolling the bud a little rougher as Megumi cums first. The twitch, the hot cum, and the way he’s so deep, rocking his hips as if trying to go even deeper, sends you right after him. 

Everything stills, your hands clutch at each other, your head thrown back, barely getting air from the death grip on your throat, your hands clutch at him, nails dig into his skin. He isn’t much better with the way he clutches you. 

You’re trembling; he is trembling. 

The moment passes, and his grip loosens. You take a deep gasp of air, slumping into the sheets. Megumi rubs your leg, keeping it propped up against himself, thrusting a little deeper around the slick and the cum in a desperate attempt to keep his softening cock inside your warmth. 

Despite yourself, you giggle, and your eyes practically shine with mischief. “I thought cockwarming was without movement-” 

Megumi stiffens, and you don’t doubt his cheeks are tomato red. “Shut up” 

“-and I thought not everything needs to be excitement and pleasure.” You’re enjoying this a lot, almost as much as the sex. 

“Seriously, shut up.” Megumi raises his head and gives you a pointed look, which doesn’t look the least bit menacing when he’s bright pink, half from the embarrassment of having his words thrown back at him and half from the orgasm. 

“Or what?” You smile, twisting your body just a little more to face him. You feel him slip out of you in the process. Your eyes flicker downwards for a second before Megumi grasps your chin in his hand and forces you to look him in the eyes. 

“Or it’s round two. And this time I won’t be gentle” 

All you can do is grin, another taunt playing on the tip of your tongue. Quick loving sex after being apart for a few days is amazing; a rough several-hour-long fuck as round two is a treat you know you won’t be able to pass up.

 Maybe ‘Cockwarming’ had it’s uses after all..

Author note:

Main |Raven|Rules & Requests |Masterlist | Cred & Other 

All fics are unique works by © miss-cincaide 2024. Do not copy/repost/translate or spread my work(s) without my explicit permission. If you see any of my work(s) reworked/reposted/copied anywhere, please inform me!

[theonottsbxtch]

FREE NOW PT 2 | OP81

an: someone requested this a while back but i didn't feel inspired at the time, after having spent xmas in london, i was reinspired so please enjoy

wc: 5.2k

HER PHONE BUZZED, the screen lighting up with a single word that might as well have been a thunderclap: Hello.

She stared at it, the glow of the message cutting through the dimness of her cluttered apartment. Her stomach flipped, and for a moment, she thought she might be sick. It had been months. Months since she’d last seen him, since he’d left her standing in the cold outside that little café, snowflakes catching in her hair like she was some kind of tragic heroine in a story she hadn’t agreed to star in.

Oscar.

She hated how the sight of his name made her heart race, hated how easily the memory of him surged to the surface: the way his laugh felt like summer breaking through the dead of winter, the way his hand had lingered at the small of her back just long enough to make her forget how to breathe. And now, this—just hello. No context. No explanation. Like he hadn’t walked away and left her to unravel herself alone.

Her thumb hovered over the message. She should reply—shouldn’t she? Her mind reeled, cycling through questions she hadn’t asked herself in weeks: Why didn’t he want me? She’d spent night after night dissecting the answer like a broken thing she couldn’t figure out how to fix. She wasn’t glamorous enough, she wasn’t exciting enough, not compared to the champagne-soaked world he belonged to.

And yet, even as she raged inwardly, she’d watched every single one of his races. At first, she’d told herself it was just curiosity—a fascination with the world she’d glimpsed through him. But with each podium finish, with every glint of triumph in his eyes, she’d been reminded of the man who had kissed her like she was his whole world and then left her behind without so much as a second glance.

She hadn’t answered his message, not for weeks. What could she possibly say? Every possible reply felt either too brittle or too raw. So she let it sit there, a glowing reminder of the question she couldn’t bring herself to ask: What do you want from me now?

That night, she sat in her cramped living room, her laptop screen flickering in front of her, a blank page mocking her efforts to start the sequel she was supposed to be halfway through by now. The cursor blinked, impatient. She pressed her fingertips to her temples, trying to summon even a fragment of an idea, but her mind kept circling back to the message. Hello.

It wasn’t fair, she thought bitterly. He’d been the one to leave, and now he got to reach out, to drop back into her life like no time had passed at all. But as much as she hated the selfishness of it, part of her wanted to reply. Not for him—for herself. For the chance to spark something, anything, that might get her out of the rut she’d been stuck in since he’d walked away.

She picked up her phone, her fingers trembling as she tapped out a reply. It was short, cautious.

Hi.

She stared at the word for a long moment before hitting send, her heart pounding as the message left her screen. She told herself it was just a small step, a selfish one. She didn’t owe him anything, after all. But somewhere deep down, she knew: this was the start of something she couldn’t quite name yet.

And for the first time in weeks, the cursor on her screen stopped blinking.

The moment her message was marked as “read,” her heart stumbled, caught in a snare she’d told herself she wouldn’t fall into again. When his reply came seconds later, the little banner popping up on her screen, her breath hitched.

Can we call?

She swallowed hard, the question hanging in the air like a trap she saw coming but didn’t step around. A tiny part of her, the sensible part, screamed at her to say no. This was selfish—purely, entirely selfish. She wasn’t reaching out because she wanted to fix what had broken between them. She didn’t want him back. Not really. This was about her. About needing something—anything—to pull her out of the fog she’d been living in since he’d left.

She wasn’t going to catch feelings again. She couldn’t. He’d shown her exactly what his priorities were, and she wasn’t naive enough to think anything had changed. This wasn’t about him, she told herself as she tapped out a reply. It was about her.

Sure.

The moment she sent it, her phone buzzed with an incoming call. Her stomach twisted as she picked it up, hesitating before answering and lying back on her bed. She set the phone down on the pillow next to her and turned on the speaker, as though putting distance between herself and the device would make this feel less immediate, less intimate.

“Hi,” she said, her voice softer than she’d intended.

“Hi,” he replied. His voice was warm, familiar in a way that made her chest ache. For a moment, neither of them spoke, the silence stretching thin between them. She was about to say something—anything—to break it when he finally spoke. “I, uh... I read your book.”

Her heart stopped. She blinked at the ceiling, her mind scrambling to process his words. “You... you did?” she managed, hoping she didn’t sound as stunned as she felt.

“Yeah.” There was a smile in his voice, faint but unmistakable. “I saw it in an airport bookstore. Your name caught me off guard. The cover looked good, though. So I bought it. I wasn’t expecting...” He trailed off, and she could hear the hesitation in his tone.

“Wasn’t expecting what?” she pressed, trying to sound nonchalant, though her fingers twisted in the hem of her sweater.

“To like it,” he admitted, a sheepish laugh escaping him. “But I did. I was... impressed. The way you captured things. Us.”

Her throat tightened, and she turned her face into the pillow, grateful he couldn’t see her expression. She cleared her throat, forcing her voice to stay steady. “Well, it’s not like you gave me much of a choice. You kind of handed me the perfect material.”

He went quiet for a beat. Then: “I shouldn’t have ended things the way I did.”

There it was. The thing she’d been waiting for, without even realizing it. She let out a soft, disbelieving laugh, covering it with a quick cough. “Oh, no worries. It worked out for me in the end. I got a New York Times bestseller out of it,” she said, aiming for lightness but missing the mark.

He exhaled sharply, and she couldn’t tell if it was a laugh or a sigh. “That’s what I mean. You turned something... painful into something amazing. And I’m proud of you for that. I just... I’m sorry for the part I played in the pain.”

Her chest felt too tight, her emotions too tangled to unravel. She reached for something casual to say, something that wouldn’t give away how much his words rattled her. “Well, if you wanted to apologise, you could’ve done it before my deadline,” she quipped, a small smile tugging at her lips despite herself.

“That’s fair,” he said softly. “But I’m glad it worked out. You deserved it.”

His words lingered in the air, and she found herself staring at the faint cracks in her ceiling, her fingers still twisting in her sweater. This was selfish, she reminded herself. She wasn’t doing this for him. But somehow, it didn’t feel like a lie when she said, “Thanks.”

The cursor on her laptop screen blinked in the corner of her vision, but for the first time all night, she wasn’t looking at it.

She didn’t know how long they stayed like that, the silence between them no longer awkward but still weighted, stretched taut with unspoken words. She shifted on her bed, her arm brushing against the phone as she debated whether to push for more or let it lie.

“Why now?” she asked finally, her voice quieter than she meant. “Why reach out after all this time?”

He hesitated. She could hear it in the way his breath hitched, in the faint hum of background noise from wherever he was calling. “Because I couldn’t stop thinking about you,” he admitted. “And then I saw the book, and it just... it brought everything back.”

Her chest tightened again, but this time it wasn’t anger or frustration. It was something softer, something she wasn’t sure she was ready to name. “Oscar,” she began, trying to keep her tone measured, “you walked away. And I get it—you had your reasons. But you don’t just get to walk back in whenever it’s convenient for you.”

“I know,” he said quickly. “I know I don’t deserve that. And I don’t want to mess things up for you. I just...” He sighed, and the sound was so human, so vulnerable, it made her heart ache despite her resolve. “I missed you.”

Her breath caught. She rolled onto her side, facing the phone as though it would help her understand the words better. “You can’t say things like that,” she said, but the anger in her voice was diluted by something softer, something closer to longing.

“I mean it,” he said. “I missed you. I miss the way you look at things, the way you see the world. It’s different. It’s... real.”

She wanted to laugh, wanted to scoff, wanted to hang up the phone just to prove to herself that she could. But she didn’t. Instead, she whispered, “And what? You thought you’d just drop back into my life and everything would be fine?”

“I didn’t know what I thought,” he admitted. “I just knew I had to try.”

The silence returned, heavier this time. She bit her lip, staring at the faint glow of the phone screen, her thoughts swirling. This wasn’t fair. He didn’t get to come back into her life and make her feel things she’d spent months burying.

But hadn’t she been the one to reply? Hadn’t she opened this door, knowing full well where it might lead?

She closed her eyes, letting out a slow breath. “You broke me, you know,” she said finally, her voice trembling despite her best efforts to keep it steady. “But you also gave me something I didn’t think I could ever have. That book—” She paused, her throat tightening. “That book saved me. Writing it saved me. So I don’t know whether to thank you or hate you.”

He didn’t respond right away, but when he did, his voice was quiet, almost fragile. “What if I said you don’t have to choose?”

She barked out a laugh, harsh and unsteady. “Oh, come on. It’s not that simple.”

“No,” he said. “It’s not. But I don’t expect you to forgive me, or trust me, or even want me in your life. I just... I needed you to know I’m sorry. For all of it.”

She closed her eyes again, her hand hovering over the phone as though she might end the call, but her fingers didn’t move. She didn’t know what to say.

“Listen,” he continued, his tone softening, “I don’t want to mess up what you have going on. You’re doing amazing, and I’m proud of you. I just... I’d like to talk. If you’ll let me.”

She swallowed hard, the vulnerability in his voice cutting through her defenses. She hated that it got to her, but it did. “I don’t know, Oscar,” she said finally. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

“I get it,” he said quickly, his voice tinged with something that might have been desperation. “Take your time. I’ll be here.”

She laughed softly, bitterly. “You weren’t before.”

“I know,” he said, his voice heavy with regret. “But I’m here now.”

She didn’t respond, her mind racing with thoughts she couldn’t untangle. The cursor on her laptop blinked in her peripheral vision, steady and unrelenting.

“Goodnight, Oscar,” she said finally, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Goodnight,” he replied, and this time, she ended the call.

For a long moment, she lay there in the quiet, staring at the cracks in her ceiling. The cursor still blinked, but the words she’d been searching for all night were beginning to take shape in her mind.

It started with an Instagram comment.

She’d posted a photo of the snow falling outside her apartment, captioned simply: Winter always comes back around.

The comment was there an hour later, buried among thousands of others but impossible to miss: Still your favorite season?

Her heart jolted, even though she knew it was coming. She’d left the door open by replying to his text, by taking his call. She told herself it didn’t mean anything. It wasn’t as if they were friends. But the comment—casual, public, and so unmistakably him—hit her differently.

And, predictably, his fans went crazy.

Within minutes, her notifications were flooded with a whirlwind of speculation: Oscar commented! Is she the girl he was talking to Lando about in that DTS episode?! Is this his gf??

She muted her notifications, refusing to be pulled into the frenzy. But when she sat down to write later that night, she found herself lingering on that comment, the question lingering in her mind like an itch she couldn’t scratch.

Winter had always been her favorite season. It was when she’d met him, after all. And no matter how much she wanted to forget, it was also when he’d left her standing alone, her lips still tingling from the kiss she’d thought would change everything.

She thought she’d ignore him after that, keep her distance. But Oscar didn’t stop at a single comment.

A week later, he liked one of her posts—a throwback photo she’d shared of a bookshop in London, the caption reading: Where it all started.

He didn’t say anything this time, but the like was deliberate, she knew it. And she hated how much she noticed. Hated how much she waited for the next small gesture, the next subtle reminder that he was still paying attention.

He sent her another text not long after: You were always good with words. I hope you know that.

She read it twice before locking her phone and tossing it onto the couch. She refused to reply, telling herself she didn’t need his validation. But a part of her couldn’t stop wondering if he meant it, if he really thought she was good, or if this was just another attempt to slip back into her life.

And then, slowly, bit by bit, he started showing up more. A comment here, a text there, nothing overwhelming but enough to remind her he was still there. It was infuriating how patient he was, how careful, as though he was trying to rebuild something fragile. She knew what he was doing. He thought she was letting him in.

But she wasn’t.

Not really.

This wasn’t about him. It never had been.

He inspired her, that much she couldn’t deny. The first book had poured out of her because of him, because of the way he’d left her raw and desperate to make sense of what had happened. And now, as her cursor blinked on a blank page night after night, she couldn’t help but think he might hold the key to unlocking that same fire again.

She wasn’t letting him back in. She was using him.

And the worst part was, she didn’t feel guilty about it.

When he texted her again a week later—Can we talk?—she hesitated only for a moment before replying. Sure.

It was late when they called, and she made no effort to mask the exhaustion in her voice. He, on the other hand, sounded wide awake, his voice warm and familiar in a way that made her chest tighten despite herself.

“I’ve been thinking about what you said,” he began.

She rolled onto her side, her phone balanced on the edge of her pillow. “What part?”

“All of it,” he admitted. “But mostly about the book. About how it saved you.”

She pressed her lips together, her heart skipping a beat. “What about it?”

“I think... I think you were braver than I’ve ever been,” he said, the words coming out in a rush. “You put it all out there. You didn’t hold anything back. I don’t know if I could ever do that.”

His sincerity threw her off guard. For a moment, she forgot her script, forgot the plan she’d convinced herself she was following. “It wasn’t bravery,” she said quietly. “It was survival.”

“Still,” he said. “You turned something painful into something beautiful. I think that’s incredible.”

Her throat tightened, and she hated the way his words made her feel. She reminded herself why she was doing this, why she was even talking to him at all. This wasn’t about reconnection. It wasn’t about him.

It was about the words she needed to write, the story she needed to tell.

“Thanks,” she said finally, her voice measured.

But even as she said it, she couldn’t shake the nagging doubt creeping in at the edges of her resolve: what if he wasn’t the only one being selfish?

She told herself she was in control. Letting him in was strategic, calculated. She’d let him get just close enough to keep her inspired, nothing more. But the line between “enough” and “too much” blurred faster than she expected.

The first time he asked her to meet him, she hesitated, weighing the potential benefits against the risks. He was in New York for a press event, he explained, and he wanted to see her.

“It doesn’t have to be anything formal,” he said over the phone. “Just dinner. As friends.”

“Friends,” she repeated, testing the word.

He chuckled, the sound warm and disarming. “Or whatever you want to call it. No pressure.”

The logical part of her wanted to say no, to keep the distance between them intact. But the logical part of her wasn’t writing the sequel she desperately needed. Against her better judgment, she agreed.

Dinner was simple—a small restaurant tucked away in a quiet corner of Manhattan. He was waiting for her when she arrived, dressed casually in a plain tee and jeans, looking more like the man who’d taken her sightseeing in London than the global superstar she’d seen on TV.

They talked about nothing and everything: her work, his races, the places he’d been recently. He asked about her next book, and she evaded the question, unwilling to admit that she still hadn’t written a single chapter.

By the time they left, her cheeks ached from smiling, and her stomach hurt—not from the food, but from laughing more than she had in months.

“This was nice,” he said as they stood outside, the cool night air brushing against their skin. “Can we do it again sometime?”

She nodded before she could think it through. “Yeah. Sure.”

And just like that, it became a pattern.

At first, it was sporadic: dinner here, a coffee there. He’d text her when he was in town, and she’d meet him, telling herself it was harmless, just catching up. But then it became frequent. He started flying her out to races, always with some excuse about wanting to show her the world he loved.

The first time she landed in Monaco, she felt like a fraud, a tourist in his glamorous life. But he greeted her with that same easy smile, the one that made her feel like she belonged. They wandered through the narrow streets, stopping at cafes and small boutiques, and for a while, she let herself forget that she was supposed to be using him, not the other way around.

Before long, she found herself back in London, walking streets she’d once thought she’d never see again. He took her to her favorite bookshop, the same one she’d written about in her novel. She felt the weight of his hand at the small of her back as they browsed the shelves, and she told herself it didn’t mean anything.

But it was getting harder to believe her own lies.

She didn’t realise it was happening at first, the way her guard started to slip. It was in the small moments: the way she started to look forward to his texts, the way her heart jumped when she saw his name on her screen. She told herself it was just gratitude, a natural byproduct of the inspiration he’d given her.

But the truth was harder to ignore when she found herself laughing at his jokes, her walls cracking under the warmth of his smile.

One night in Monaco, after a long day exploring the harbour, they sat on the balcony of his apartment, the lights of the city reflecting off the water below. She held a glass of wine in her hand, her legs tucked beneath her as she leaned back in her chair.

“You’re quiet,” he said, breaking the silence.

“Just thinking,” she replied, her gaze fixed on the horizon.

“About what?”

She hesitated, then shrugged. “The book.” It wasn’t a lie, not entirely.

“Still stuck?”

She nodded, and he gave her a thoughtful look before speaking. “You don’t have to push yourself so hard, you know. It’ll come to you when it’s ready.”

She laughed softly, shaking her head. “That’s not how deadlines work.”

“Maybe not,” he said, his tone light. “But you’re too talented to force it. You’ll figure it out.”

His faith in her was disarming, and she found herself turning to look at him. He was leaning back in his chair, his profile softened by the dim light. For a moment, she let herself forget everything—her plans, her walls, her doubts.

And that was the moment she realised it.

She was catching feelings.

Her breath hitched, and she quickly looked away, her grip tightening around the stem of her glass. This wasn’t supposed to happen. She’d let him in enough to keep her writing, to keep her inspired, but somewhere along the way, she’d let him in too much.

And now, she wasn’t sure she could push him out again.

She was pacing her small apartment in New York when the realisation crashed fully, her hands pulling at her hair, her chest tight with a whirlwind of emotions she couldn’t seem to contain.

“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck,” she muttered under her breath, each word punctuated by the sound of her bare feet slapping against the hardwood floor.

She’d been in denial for weeks, convincing herself that she could keep her feelings neatly compartmentalized, that she could use him for inspiration without letting him crack the walls around her heart. But it wasn’t working.

Every laugh, every touch, every moment they shared chipped away at her resolve, and now the truth was staring her in the face, unrelenting and cruel: she’d fallen for him again.

She stopped pacing and leaned against the kitchen counter, gripping the edge so tightly her knuckles turned white. “Stupid, stupid, stupid,” she hissed, squeezing her eyes shut.

Her phone buzzed on the counter, and her heart jumped, her stomach twisting as she saw his name light up the screen. Oscar.

She ignored it, letting the call go to voicemail, but a minute later, there was a knock at her door.

Her eyes flew open, her breath catching in her throat. No. No, he couldn’t be here. He wasn’t supposed to be here.

But the knock came again, more insistent this time.

“Hey,” his voice called from the other side of the door, muffled but unmistakable. “It’s me.”

Her chest tightened, panic flooding her veins. She couldn’t do this, not now. She crossed the room and yanked the door open, staring at him with wide, frantic eyes. He stood there, his hair slightly tousled from the wind, his hands shoved into the pockets of his jacket.

“Oscar,” she said, her voice sharp, her panic bubbling over into frustration. “What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to see you,” he said, frowning slightly. “I just wrapped up a sponsor meeting and we fly out to Miami tomorrow morning. I called but you didn't answer.”

“Well, maybe there’s a reason for that,” she snapped, the words tumbling out before she could stop them. She slammed the door shut, her heart racing.

From the other side, he sounded baffled. “What did I do wrong?”

She groaned, pressing her forehead against the door. “You exist, Oscar. That’s what you did wrong.”

“What?” he asked, his confusion evident. “Can you at least let me in so we can talk?”

She hesitated, her hand hovering over the doorknob. Then, with a resigned sigh, she opened the door again, glaring at him.

“You want to know what’s wrong?” she said, her voice trembling with emotion. “Fine. I’ve caught stupid, ridiculous, impossible feelings for you, okay? And I hate it.”

His brow furrowed, his confusion deepening. “Why is that wrong?”

“Because you hurt me once!” she shouted, her voice cracking. “You left me standing in the middle of London, and I didn’t even see it coming. Do you know how hard it was to put myself back together after that?”

His face fell, guilt washing over his features. “I know I hurt you,” he said softly. “But I thought... I thought you were giving me a chance to fix it.”

She laughed bitterly, shaking her head. “Fix it? You can’t just fix something like that, Oscar. It doesn’t work that way.”

“I’m trying,” he said, his voice firm but still tinged with vulnerability. “I’m trying to show you that I’m here, that I want to be here. What else can I do?”

Her chest ached, her anger clashing with the part of her that desperately wanted to believe him. “It’s not about what you can do,” she said, her voice quieter now, almost a whisper. “It’s about what you could do. If I let myself fall for you again, you could hurt me. And I don’t think I can survive that a second time.”

He stepped closer, his gaze searching hers. “I won’t hurt you,” he said, his voice steady. “I know I don’t deserve your trust yet, but I swear to you, I’m not going anywhere this time.”

She wanted to believe him. She wanted to let him in, to let herself hope. But the fear was too big, too loud.

“Why are you doing this?” she asked, her voice breaking. “Why now?”

“Because I can’t stop thinking about you,” he said, his eyes locked on hers. “Because I made a mistake, and I’ve been kicking myself for it ever since. Because you’re the only person who’s ever made me feel like I’m more than the guy behind the wheel of a car.”

Her breath caught, tears stinging her eyes. She hated how much his words affected her, how much she wanted to believe them.

“I don’t know if I can do this,” she whispered.

He reached out, his hand hovering just above hers. “You don’t have to decide right now. Just... let me try.”

She looked at him, her heart pounding, her mind a storm of doubt and longing. Slowly, she nodded, a single tear slipping down her cheek.

“Okay,” she said softly. “But I’m not promising anything.”

“That’s enough,” he said, his voice filled with quiet determination.

For now, it was enough.

Oscar’s hand hovered in the space between them for a moment before he closed it over hers. His touch was warm, steady, grounding.

She couldn’t hold it back anymore. The walls she’d so carefully constructed cracked under the weight of her emotions, and tears slipped free, spilling down her cheeks.

“I’m so tired of being scared,” she whispered, her voice breaking.

“I know,” he murmured, stepping closer. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

He pulled her into his arms, his embrace firm but gentle, and she let herself collapse against him, her tears soaking into the fabric of his coat. He didn’t rush her, didn’t speak. He just held her, his hand stroking her back in slow, soothing circles.

When the sobs finally subsided, leaving her feeling raw and hollow, he eased back just enough to look at her. His face was open, earnest, his eyes searching hers.

“Come on,” he said softly. “Let’s get you to bed.”

Before she could protest, he shrugged off his coat, draping it over the back of the couch, and toed off his shoes. He guided her toward the bedroom, his hand resting lightly on her back.

She let him lead her, too drained to argue. When they reached the bed, he pulled back the covers and gestured for her to climb in.

“You don’t have to stay,” she mumbled, her voice thick with exhaustion.

He gave her a small, lopsided smile. “I’m not going anywhere, remember?”

She crawled under the blankets, her body sinking into the familiar comfort of her mattress. He tucked the covers around her, sitting on the edge of the bed for a moment before shifting to lie beside her, above the blankets.

She closed her eyes, her breathing evening out as the weight of the night caught up with her. She drifted off quickly, her head resting on the pillow, her hand brushing against his where it lay on the bedspread.

Oscar stayed awake, watching her. The faint glow of the city lights filtered through the curtains, casting soft shadows across her face.

“You don’t know how lucky I am,” he whispered, his voice barely audible. “Thank you for giving me a second chance.”

He paused, his gaze tracing the curve of her cheek, the line of her jaw. “I swear I won’t mess it up this time.”

He thought she was asleep, but the words slipped through the hazy edges of her dreams, nestling somewhere deep in her mind.

The following morning, she woke to the golden light of early winter streaming through the window. The first thing she noticed was the warmth of the room, the faint scent of him lingering in the air.

The second thing she noticed was her mind—clearer than it had been in months, humming with ideas.

She sat up slowly, careful not to disturb Oscar, who was still asleep, slouched awkwardly on top of the covers. His head rested on his arm, his face relaxed in a way she hadn’t seen before.

Sliding out of bed, she grabbed her notebook from the bedside table and opened it to a blank page. The words came quickly, flowing from her pen as if they’d been waiting for this moment.

Her next book wouldn’t be about him—not exactly. But the emotions he’d stirred, the hope and fear and vulnerability he’d unearthed, filled every corner of the page.

She glanced over at him as he stirred, his eyes fluttering open.

“Morning,” he murmured, his voice rough with sleep.

“Morning,” she replied, a small smile playing on her lips.

“What are you doing?” he asked, sitting up and rubbing the back of his neck.

She held up the notebook. “Writing.”

He grinned, his expression soft with pride. “Good. I knew you’d get there.”

She didn’t say anything, but as she looked at him, her heart ached in a way that wasn’t entirely unpleasant.

For the first time, she wondered if maybe, just maybe, letting him in again wasn’t the worst decision she’d ever made.

taglist: @alexisquinnlee-bc @carlossainzapologist @oikarma @obxstiles @verstappenf1lecccc @hzstry8 @dying-inside-but-its-classy @anamiad00msday @linnygirl09 @mastermindbaby@iamred-iamyellow

[steorrneleom]

BG3 Elven Names: A Watsonian Perspective

Amongst folks who like Astarion as a character, the meaning of his name is a common topic of discussion. The answer is typically that it is a variation of Astērion (Ἀστερίων), a Greek name meaning starry, which makes complete sense considering that he is likely a moon elf, but it is based in a language that does not actually exist in the Forgotten Realms. This isn’t a problem, a Doylist answer is completely valid, but I thought it would be fun to figure out what the meaning would be in Elvish (the D&D version), a Watsonian answer (1). After Astarion's, I set out to see if this could be done with Halsin and Cazador as well. I present here my results, with narrative. I have also included a TLDR at the end for those who want to skip the methodology.

(1) To any who may not be aware: Doylist means that it is what the author was thinking when writing / what their intention was. Watsonian means the in-universe perception / explanation. Example: Why did magic change so much between D&D 3.5e and D&D 4e? Doylist answer is that they wanted to simplify how magic worked to draw in new players. Watsonian answer is that Mystra was assassinated by Shar and Cyric resulting in arcane magic becoming unstable and changing its behavior.

In the Lack of Duolingo

First things first, I needed a resource for the Elven language in D&D. As with many collaborative canons, official uses of the language were spread through many mediums and over the course of decades. This makes hunting down sources difficult, but luckily a wonderful person by the name of Diane Morrison was kind enough to create ‘A Treatise on Espruar,’ which offers a complete dictionary. This is what I will be using:

A quick disclaimer that, also like with many collaborative canons, this language has inconsistencies and gaps which makes a true cannon language impossible until a complete conlang is officially released. What I present is to the best of our current resources.

Method to the Madness

I have the words, but next comes the challenge of using them. These names were not made to be interpreted in the lens I am using, so it is kind of like trying to fit a square peg in anything but a square hole. Some words can line up near perfect but have meanings that make absolutely no sense, like dragon royal world, or some words can have the right meanings but have the wrong letters. I resolved this with the following criteria:

The words used must be as close to the name as possible.

Sound shifts must be minimal and not drastic.

As few letter drops as possible.

A meaning that makes sense in context (as much as possible).

Key

Word / part of word Meaning

Astarion

Something noteworthy about Astarion’s name that I kept in mind when translating it is that it was his ‘child name’, the name that was given to him by his parents and not one he chose for himself (2). This means that the meaning wouldn’t necessarily be one that he himself liked, but rather one that a parent would like to ascribe to their child.

Searching for words, one almost seemed perfect at first: Aasterinian (meaning quicksilver). It was already so close to his name without having to Frankenstein words together, but sadly it broke nearly all of my rules. It had three letter drops and two sound shifts: er to ar and ian to ion. I also was of the opinion that while quicksilver was a fine name meaning, it wasn’t one that felt like it was meant for a child.

So, the next option was a combination of Aestar (meaning together or one heart) and -ion (meaning noble). I was hesitant of this one at first. The meaning I wanted to use for Aestar, heart, had seemed to be reserved for the context of marriage at first glance, but then I saw the name Araestar with its meaning of Goldheart. This is evidence that heart is valid for names as well.

Thus, my Watsonian idea is that Astarion’s name comes from Aestarion, which translates to noble heart. This only has one letter drop and a slight sound shift from Ae to A. I also personally think noble heart is a fitting meaning for a child’s name.

(2) Astarion’s tombstone has his name and states he was 39 when he ‘died’. Elves are typically considered adults and choose their new name when they reach the age of 100.

Halsin

Halsin was a bit of a hard one, where there were tons of possibilities but near all of them just didn’t fit right. Halsin is 350 years old, he would have presumably chosen his name with a meaning that represented him as a person. He, in my opinion, wouldn’t have a name that meant something random like weak brook or red. In addition, I had to find a combination of words that fit my rules.

So, I had to write down three prefix possibilities, five word possibilities, three suffix possibilities, and mix and match until I got something that met my criteria. I won't include my rejected combinations due to their number, but here are some reasons I rejected them: ‘r to l sound shift is too drastic’, ‘the on sound is too different from in’, and ‘though m and n are close in the IPA the sound shift feels too great’. Luckily, I did find a combination I was satisfied with in the end.

My Watsonian idea is that Halsin’s name comes from Halasan which translates to one who is free and wild. The ending of Halasan would likely be pronounced like in already so it would only be a letter change instead of a sound shift. The only other change needed would be a letter drop, the a in las.

Cazador

Now this name I went in thinking that it would be the true challenge, the 'z' felt distinctly non-elven to me, but much to my surprise D&D elven does have the z sound and letter. It was still hard to get a good meaning out of it, especially since it is unknown whether this would be his child name or his adult name and there was only one combination of words that worked.

The collection of words at my disposal were cas which means herald, -adar which means world, and za which means royal, of royalty. From this, I got Cazadar, which is a modification of Casadar that adds za. This would give a direct translation of herald of royalty world, which I feel would be interpreted as royal herald (to the world). It isn’t the cleanest meaning, but I feel like there is ego and world domination vibes to it, so it works.

A slight tangent, it is debatable how valid my overlapping construction is. It is possible that the shift from cas to caz would be seen as just a letter shift and not an addition of the word za. This wouldn’t be a problem, herald of the world is still a valid meaning for my purposes, despite it losing some of the ego. There is also the possibility that the za is seen but it results in the caz being interpreted as ca, a letter shift from ka which means dragon. Since there is no dor or dar in elvish, it is possible that it would be seen either as an ornamentation or a shortening of -adar, in which case the translation becomes dragon of royalty or dragon of royalty world. These meanings aren’t horrible in the case of a wrongful interpretation, but it doesn’t entirely make sense, and Kazaadar breaks the rules I imposed.

With all this being said, my Watsonian idea is that Cazador’s name comes from Cazadar, which can be translated to royal herald (to the world). This is the one name that I created that feels like a stretch, but I tried my best.

Last Names

I originally only did the first names when I decided to make this, but then I realized while typing all this that this probably wouldn’t be complete without trying the last names too... and so, I decided to give them a try. I sat down with the elven dictionary and felt the hope leave my body as soon as I wrote them down on my scrap paper. Ancunín, with a little accent on the ‘i’ and a super rare letter for D&D elvish, ‘u’; and Szarr, with two consonants (S and Z of all things) next to each other. I predicted a struggle, a struggle is what I got, and I fled the battle, unsuccessful. I was not able to find anything that met my rules… yet.

I will revisit this someday, but it will require a lot more research on Faerûn than I am able to put in right now, sadly. Here is the fun thing about last names, they are often more influenced by location as opposed to the ethnic origin of someone. Case and point: in the US a lot of folks changed their last name upon arrival to better fit in, or it was messed up enough times that they changed it for convenience sakes. Examples: Müller turning into Miller (a spelling change), Zimmermann becoming Carpenter (a direct translation), or going from Sadowski to Smith (A complete change to assimilate). They also have a different meaning convention compared to regular names to begin with, where they can be based on the location an ancestor lived, their occupation, or their nickname.

A Watsonian answer may exist for Ancunín and Szarr, but it would be rooted in where their families lived through the eras and other local languages that might have influenced the original elvish version. Like perhaps the location the Ancunín family is from has a predominant language which favors ‘u’ as a vowel. Maybe Szarr isn’t elvish at all and is an occupation name. I don’t know if I will be able to find a satisfying answer, but if I do one day I will be sure to post it.

Bonus

Espruar is the alphabet of the elvish language, which looks really cool in my opinion. Before I even started looking into the Watsonian origins of the names, I thought it would be cool to see what their names looked like written in it and so vectorized all the letters. Below are the character's names and their origin names written with Espruar.

Astarion

Aestarion

Halsin

Halasan

Cazador

Casadar

Cazadar

Little End Note

I want to thank everyone who read through my long explanations and tangents, I hope you enjoyed reading the thought process behind all of these ☺️. I also wanted to let you folks know that I am going to make another post soon with my vectorized Espruar alphabet so anyone can write with it should they want to.

TLDR

[cube-cumb3r]

part 2: What's the deal with Manneq- SIMULTANEOUS PARALLEL REALITY THEORY IM CRAZY IM CRAZYIM CRAZY IM CRAZY

This is the second part of me trying to make sense of the Mannequins in ENA. Read pt. 1 here, if you want. Or don't!

I'm not entirely satisfied with the explanation of "Mannequins are spawnpoints" because it doesn't really explain how the Mannequins got there in the first place. How did so many Mannequins coincidentally end up near locations where it just so happens that Ena is likely to respawn?

I pondered a little bit about the role of Mannequins in the Youtube series as well, and if I could tie that into their role in the game. To my knowledge, there's only one episode where the Mannequins make an appearance, and that's Temptation Stairway.

I don't think about Ulysses often. The most I think about him is the fact that the song that plays when Ena talks to him is such a peculiar banger. But, given that he's the first character in the Youtube series to mention Doors before their existence got fully elaborated on in the game, perhaps more of his dialogue isn't just ominous and strange nonsense.

One of his lines is (paraphrased) "But heed this warning: desires are never fulfilled, nor quenched. You will fail. Like the rest of them."

So who is the rest of them? (other than Moony?) Taking the video at face value, the answer seems pretty simple, it's the Mannequins. They can be seen climbing the Great Runas in the beginning of the episode, and then later on her way, Ena walks past some lifeless ones in various places in a similar manner they are found in Dream BBQ, or they're... lamenting? In this strange space?

Other than that, without any further context, there doesn't seem to be that much to say about the Mannequins in Temptation Stairway, they seem to just be Mannequins. They're these sort of anonymous and ambiguous figures that also seem to have the same goal as Ena, reaching the Great Runas. All of which are failing, it seems.

After Ena meets Ulysses, she of course meets the Shephard who says her infamous "Arghh... another ENA troublemaker." line, which has of course been interpreted to mean millions of things. That being said, literally moments after this scene, we see other Enas when Ena enters the holy code. It seems sensible to assume these are the Enas she's talking about. (Because of Species Theory TM, no one ever really asks how they got here, why they look nearly identical to our Ena, and why they're unmoving. But that's besides the point.)

Most importantly for the purpose of this post, for some frames, they glitch into Mannequins.

(I would be remiss if I did not mention that right after this sequence, there's a data matrix on the wall that when decoded says "FORGET YOUR PAST". Make of that what you will.)

We already know there are multiple simultaneous instances of Ena in some manner, given that the Shepherd has met multiple of them. Given where the Shepherd is located and based on her dialogue, it's likely too that the Enas she met were also attempting to reach the Great Runas as well. That's another set of individuals that are attempting to reach this divine being, other than the Mannequins (and Moony).

So, when Ulysses says "You will fail, like the rest of them", maybe he's talking about the lifeless Mannequins that Ena walks past on her way to the Great Runas. Or, maybe he's talking about the other Enas that can be seen in the holy code. Or you know, both.

Or, perhaps, there's no difference between the two.

Time and reality seems to be a bit weird in the world of Ena. When talking to the remnants of the former Genie, she will offer her memories, to show Ena a reality where Ena did succeed. And this "reality" is (presumably) the reality where Ena had successfully reached the Bathroom, and the events play out the same as if you had done so.

This seems to imply that despite the fact that the sequence of events that led to Ena successfully reaching the Bathoom was not something the Ena you're currently playing as ever experienced, given that the Genie describes it as "her memories", from her perspective, it still happened. Both realities seem to co-exist.

What does that have to do with Mannequins? Well,

Here's my crazypants Theory. Rather Mannequins being a "spawnpoint", they're rather sort of... glimpses of other realities or timelines.

This Mannequin is found on the path that Ena was quite literally walking on before she stops, and she nearly gets caught under the falling structure from above. Perhaps in another alternate sequence of events she didn't stop, and kept walking. And that's what that Mannequin is.

Or this Mannequin found on the other side of the bridge, underneath the floating platforms leading up to the Orb. Perhaps in alternate sequence of events, Ena did end up falling while attempting to ascend to the Orb.

In fact, you can even experience this in-game. If you fall while attempting to climb up, you will "teleport" back to various checkpoints at different points of the ascent. So what if it's not "teleportation" that is happening, but rather you are being "transported" to a version of reality where she didn't fall. Whatever you just experienced did not happen to this Ena. But, you can still see evidence of this having happened, in some version of reality, when you look at the tops of these buildings.

(edit 5/5/25:) A new patch came out today which added a new interaction with the file compressor, where you can compress files more and more until they explode, causing Ena to stumble backwards after which you "respawn" in the center of the roundabout again.

Interestingly enough, with this new interaction they also a new lifeless Mannequin, which can be found dismembered exactly where Ena would've been blown up by this zip bomb. Even more interestingly, this dismembered mannequin is already there even before you've interacted with the zip compressor. As if it's already happened. But not to you. (Yet.) (end of edit)

(Now, I am aware that it's an absurd claim to suggest every single Mannequin here is parallel Ena. That might not be plausible. But I think it's sensible to assume at least some of the Mannequins we see across the series and game may be.)

When the broken Genie shows you a different reality, if you talk to Unforgiven Frank next to the ship, he will still recall your earlier interaction, despite the fact that in the reality where you succeeded in reaching the Bathroom, you would've never encountered him in the Lost Village.

So, it seems these are not distinct and separate realities, but somehow both true at once. Similarly to how the realities where Ena fell in a river or a pit, and the realities where she didn't, are both simultaneously true. And similarly how the Shephard has already met Ena, even if this Ena has not met the Shephard.

Does she retain anything across iterations? Does she collectively experience all of them at once, or just one at a time? It seems for the most part, Ena does not have information that she would've obtained in any parallel iteration of herself, because she needs to ask for it, this is the case in both Temptation Stairway and Dream BBQ. But it seems in some cases she does have information from sequences of events she herself has not experienced, like how she can aspire for Frank's forgiveness despite never having met him (though of course, maybe they already met prior to the events of Dream BBQ.) Perhaps it's as the Shaman said, while perhaps she can, if she were experiencing all of them simultaneously, she would be lost in her own mind.

This theory is not rock solid, there's some things that still don't quite make sense. If you're up on the Orb Island after ascending, you can quite literally jump down all the way to the bottom and be fine, so why would another iteration Ena not make it from falling during her climb? Or, if Mannequins are supposed to represent Ena from other versions of reality, wouldn't you expect lifeless Mannequins to be found at, say, the bottom of the rivers and pits, rather than hanging off the edges? Though, since the Mannequin "inside" Ena seems to be able to "emerge" from her body, perhaps that could be the explanation for this conundrum.

With all this said, there seems to be a natural conclusion to this theory. Under the assumption that the Enas we see suspended in the holy code in Temptation Stairway are Enas that "failed" in their task, like the rest of them (like the rest of them) like the rest of them... What does that actually mean for Ena at the end of Dream BBQ?

I'm sure everyone has noticed the shot we see at the end of the game is nearly the exact same as the one in Temptation Stairway. There's other Mannequins as well, also suspended in the holy code. The conclusion of this theory seems therefore to suggest that the Ena we see at the end of Dream BBQ never actually made it out of Uncanny Streets at all. She got stuck behind the Lonely Door. Failed, like the rest of them, alongside the other Mannequins we see floating in that space.

It's a sensible assumption that the hand that reaches out and grabs this Ena-Mannequin is "taking" her and "placing" her back in the body of the Mannequin in the hub. But what if even that isn't true? What if the Ena "emerging" out of the Mannequin in the Hub isn't her "respawning", but rather, she is an entirely different instance of Ena that never left the Hub in the first place? Whatever happened to the Ena in the Lonely Door still happened, but not to this Ena.

Which seems to prompt a question that no other theory would need to ask. Where is that hand taking this other Ena?

[melrosing]

who do you think jaime didn't tell cersei and tyrion about aerys? is it because they already don't blame him?

I think it’s a few things??

Firstly, there’s the fact that Jaime hasn’t told anyone before Brienne, not just his siblings. He doesn’t like having to explain himself to anyone: if people have assumed the worst, he resents the expectation that he should beg for their understanding. If they’re so shallow minded, why should he tear himself to pieces trying to win back their esteem?

Then I think he also suspects that if he did try to explain, they wouldn’t believe him anyway - the trappings of the KG and House Lannister are such that many would judge Jaime by his supposed allegiances before Jaime as an individual, and there’s nothing he can do about that. And I think that’s part of what ‘by what right does the wolf judge the lion?’ means - both sides have blood on their hands, why should he submit to their judgement?

all this gets away from the fact Jaime hasn’t told his siblings but I think it’s the context - Jaime has tried to convince himself he doesn’t owe anyone an explanation, he doesn’t care what anyone thinks. and as for Cersei and Tyrion, I don’t think they care what his reasons were either way. Cersei is not impressed by moral grandstanding, and would probably be MORE impressed by the notion of Jaime killing Aerys for the sake of House Lann (rather than the city). But by and large she doesn’t care about Jaime’s inferiority, and Jaime is happy to pretend to be whatever she wants him to be, so that’s that.

And for Tyrion, idk, I think he just loves Jaime pretty much unconditionally (even now I think he still does), and Jaime’s motivations in killing Aerys just wouldn’t matter much to him. He might be kind of impressed by the moral reasons Jaime did it, and probably even surprised… but Tyrion is a pretty Machiavellian kind of guy himself, I don’t think he’d think there’s much wrong with just taking Aerys out for Tywin’s sake, either. And I think Jaime is more or less content to be an uncomplicated figure for Tyrion, because Tyrion already accepts the rest (I.e. his relationship w Cers) without question. They never seek to explain themselves to one another. EXCEPT that one time.

So the difference w Brienne (you didn’t ask but I’m thinking out loud now) is primarily this: Brienne is not a hypocrite. she walks the walk, allying herself purely to what she believes in, which is ofc true knighthood, and all this with no ulterior motive. and somewhere deep down, Jaime holds the same values as she does. so by virtue of this, her esteem means something to him. he thinks she could see him with unclouded vision, and wants to know what she’d make of him if she did.

the Lannister siblings do not really hold the same values as Jaime, nor can they see him w unclouded vision, nor are they really interested in understanding Jaime in this way, so that’s why I think he doesn’t tell them.

[vamphorica]

♰ Religion in Death Note ♰

One of the most fascinating things about Death Note as a franchise is its exploration of faith and religion in the context of the world building, and how it compliments this using Christian motifs and imagery. The latter is often portrayed superficially, which I think is a shame given that there are many occasions throughout the series where relationships that some characters have with faith could be examined in accordance with the world Ohba has created.

For the sake of simplicity, I'm going to consider two main religious influences in the world of Death Note:

The Canon Explanation (The Shinigami Realm, Rules of the Death Note, Mu as the Afterlife, etc.)

Christianity (specifically, the use of Catholic imagery in Ohba’s official art.)

Let's begin with Canon.

i. The Canon Explanation

Ohba is clearly partial to weaving a complex web of rules as a means to support the supernatural premises of his stories (see Platinum End). This makes The Canon Explanation so effective not only because it limits the behaviour of the characters throughout the text, but it is also very pertinent to religion conceptually. By listing out the apparent commandments of the Death Note, a set of religious principles have been established that the users of the Death Note must follow. While you are not technically committing a sin by, let's say, trying to kill someone over the age of 124 with the Death Note (x), it sets out a guide which is indicative of rules one might follow in a religious text. You could say that Light, Misa, Mikami, and Takada each had to have a level of faith in the Death Note in order to use it. They all followed the rules, even if they did so under Light's direction as their self-proclaimed God. Light’s familiarity with these rules and his confidence with manipulating them is what ultimately makes his reign as Kira so effective. I think the act of writing a name down in the notebook itself is a form of commitment to belief – as a concept, the Death Note seems too absurd to a sceptic.

When the Shinigami begin arriving in the human world, it is obvious that they are not divine beings in the perfect, omnipotent manner that humans may expect. If anything, they are curiously quite human themselves – forgetting rules and acting as a result of emotional impulses. It is indeed Ryuk's boredom that sets the story into motion – everyone who died as a result of the Death Note did so because of him. The Shinigami pose no actual threat to the humans they follow, often noting how humans appear more competent at being Death Gods than they themselves are. While this is subjective, depending on interpretations of faith, the typical Grim Reaper figure is seen as a serious, all-knowing figure that is to be feared, while the Shinigami of Death Note are far less intimidating. I think this delivers a decent proposal that religion in Canon is not a matter of worshipping the supernatural, or suggesting that they are better than us. By having the Shinigami presented as being similar to ourselves, human characters have the ability to use their power without the fear of divine retribution. Light’s extensive knowledge of the Death Note rules and how to work around them, along with his strict work ethic, only further demonstrates his commitment to carving out his position as God when compared to the Shinigami.

Mu is explained quite simply – there is no heaven or hell. There is a notable lack of elaboration here for a reason, but I do wonder if Light might have been more reluctant in his pursuits had traditional heaven and hell been at stake. Would he have become Kira if his act of justice would damn him to hell? Would he be concerned that his victims might end up going to heaven? Mu is the Canon version for what happens when one dies in this universe, so, beyond proposing speculative questions, there is little to analyse here.

Now, there is one character who I want to delve deeper in relation to The Canon Explanation: Mikami.

Mikami -> Mikami is deeply devout. Of all the named characters in the series, Mikami is the only one who is expressly religious, particularly regarding the Canon Explanation. While I think it is interesting to consider Light Yagami's relationship to Godhood, it is only through Mikami that we understand Kira’s societal impact. Mikami is also the only character in Death Note to be granted a rather comprehensive backstory, so we are given an insight into what led him to become such an ardent Kira supporter. Light chose Mikami not just for these strongly held opinions but also because of his devotion to him specifically. Mikami is ritualistic in the way he worships the idea of Kira through his dedication to writing one page of names in the Death Note daily, following Light’s commands without question. The only other occasion where we see a similar act of religiosity towards Kira is at the very end of the manga when a group of Kira supporters take a pilgrimage to pay their respects. Yet even this does not quite encapsulate Mikami's religious fanaticism. His strong conviction that Kira is God demonstrates the societal inclination to view Kira as a religious figure to be worshipped.

I think because Death Note relies so strongly on Light's internal psychology as he encounters various forms of opposition, the external impact of Kira on the world is only provided to us through passing mentions of political support. It is absolutely crucial to interpret Kira in a political context, but again, this is not really explored in too much detail. What we do know is that Kira supporters, including Misa, Mikami and Takada, may politically be in favour of Light's moral judgement, but because he poses himself as a God rather than a political leader, we must assume that he wants to play into a deific persona because it affords him far more unconditional power than he would have as a mere mortal.

From the beginning, Light is able to present his power as originating from a divine source, and it is only until Lind L. Tailor’s death that it becomes apparent what limitations Light is working within. Before then, criminals dying of heart attacks across the world could not be considered to be within human capability, let alone performed by a singular perpetrator, so Light maintained the illusion of omnipotence. Distancing himself from his humanity not only gave Light the benefit of being undetectable for some time, but also encouraged people to support Kira through the belief that he was inherently above them. It was only L who managed to shatter this façade early on in the Kira investigation.

I will now move onto something slightly more tangible, as it reflects our world within the text – Death Note's use of Catholic imagery.

ii. Christianity

As if to make up for the lack of exploration into Kira's religious influence, Death Note heavily relies upon Christian imagery to highlight its desire for religion to be seen as a core component of the franchise. Realistically, I am aware that a lot of manga and Japanese culture from the 2000s was heavily inspired by Catholic imagery and that there was certainly an aesthetic trend being taken advantage of here. However, I am still going to consider it specifically in relation to Death Note. It gives me an excuse to move on from Ohba to Obata anyhow, which I am more than willing to do.

Let's have a look at some official art.

There's a lot to be discussed about these specific pieces of art, and there are plenty more examples that I am sure can be found and analysed over, but we can recognise what their general theme is – kitschy Catholicism. This is not intended as criticism, I love Obata's art and as unsubtle as these official pieces may be, they reinforce Death Note's desire to incorporate religion into its series as a strong motif, if not an effectively developed theme. It also somewhat exposes its superficiality. The imagery is explicit, bold and bright, without doing much work in considering what the actual religious belief might be able to bring to the series beyond the visual components (according to this post -> x the Latin on the last image isn't rendered properly, which proves my point further). There are instances in the anime where there are Biblical references, such as frames that foreshadow L’s death, but the manga does not engage in these same parallels.

This leads me nicely onto talking about Misa.

Misa -> Misa is shown throughout the series to lean heavily into fashion and interior design that reflects a very Gothic Christian aesthetic, which is undeniably iconic and an important visual aspect to her character.  Mirroring the series more generally, it does appear that this is the extent to her relationship with the Christian faith. Misa’s allegiance to Kira could suggest that the trauma of her parents’ death came to some kind of resolution when their murderer was himself killed. Again, we have no idea if she actually was a religious character to begin with and I need to stress, it does not matter, but it is still worth considering given how a lot of the Christian imagery in the series is associated with her character specifically. I don't think this feeds into any flat character analysis that might suggest she doesn't know the potential significance of the crosses she wears or decorates her home with. We could just say she has an aesthetic that is very well composed but doesn't carry much weight beyond its stylistic merit.

Derailing slightly, but I do wish they had maintained this style throughout the entire series. Alas, as soon as she met Light, she lost this cool Goth look pretty quickly. Rem would never have let this happen. 💔

One more character analysis before we wrap this up. The quite honest reason as to why I decided to write up this essay was so that I could discuss Mello in relation to religion in Death Note.

Mello → Much of what I discussed about Misa's style could be applied to Mello, the only other character who visually demonstrates any religious tendency. However, I think there are some differences here that could suggest Mello is actually religious, which then allows us to consider his character in the context of the Canon Explanation. Firstly, one of the main signifiers Mello wears is his rosary, and while it is unlikely you will experience any adverse effects from wearing one as a non believer, I think those who wear a rosary are aware of the deeper connection to Catholicism than someone who wears a simple cross necklace (see Misa above, right). Secondly, narratively, I think there is more opportunity for Mello to be religious. Wammy's House, from their gates, actually appears to be a Christian organisation, and while I do not actually believe that they were, I find it interesting nonetheless. I also would be surprised if they were denominationally Catholic, if we are following this line of logic, presumably they would be CofE, but who knows. Regardless, even if Mello was not religious as a child, I think his arrival into the Mafia would certainly have introduced him to Catholicism. Of course it seems antithetical, but I would not be all that surprised if a teenage boy who is expected to do some horrendous things to rise to the top of a criminal organisation might turn to God in the process.

Following on from the prior point, Mello is a completely contradictory character, so I do not think it is all that necessary to consider his moral code from an entirely rational perspective. I think the fact his Beretta has a small cross charm on it in itself is very symbolic of the kind of character we are dealing with here (see below). Interestingly, it looks to be a Celtic cross, rather than a traditional crucifix.

What does this actually mean? Mello represents a good integration of the two religious influences I've discussed – he appears to have faith in a religion that we as readers contextually understand, and yet he interacts easily with Shinigami and the Death Note. While the two do not contradict one another exactly, I think The Canon Explanation certainly does not lend much credence to Catholic interpretations within the text. Like the others who have encountered a Death Note, Mello is initially shocked by the arrival of the Shinigami attached to his notebook, but quickly recovers. He interrogates Sidoh with such evident effectiveness that he ends up frightening him.

I think this is where I begin to get a little frustrated with the depiction of religion in Death Note because we have such a fascinating premise here. Does Mello's faith waver as his beliefs are evidently challenged by Sidoh? Does he consider Kira as a force of evil from a moral perspective informed by Wammy's, or his understanding of God? Does he believe in heaven and hell? None of these questions are answered, and I do appreciate I am being fussy because I am very fond of Mello, but I think there was a rather unique opportunity present in the series that was completely neglected. I have already explained how Death Note relies so heavily on Catholic imagery and clearly wishes to present itself as a series that deals with religious themes, so I think there is a failure here to consider the nuances that have already been set up.

How interesting do you suppose it would be to see how Kira's influence begins to impact the other established religions, as people see criminals dying en masse? Remember that ordinary people would be likely predisposed to consider this as an act of God. Society would certainly be more scared, especially as it would simply be inevitable that Kira killed innocent people who had been deemed criminals by their legal systems. There is a lot to go analyse about that topic alone, but another time!

I suppose with a lot of the questions I have posed, they could be answered through fanfiction or headcanons. I could decide that Misa believed in God until she met Light, or that Mello chose to ignore the implications of Mu given that he follows a religion that sets itself up on the premise of eternal reward or damnation. I just want to facilitate further conversation, because I do think this topic is fascinating.

Thank you @saturniiids, @vengeflies and @stylooooo for giving this a read for me! ♡

[spicypotatoesofttaco]

I'm so embarrassed but it's fine

I REALLY don't want to post this. but it's fine. IT'S fine. It's stupid and lame, but I'm committing. While this may be a brain child of mine (honestly someone could've already made this and I have no knowledge of this) I'm not particularly attached to it, so construct as much criticism as you want. or kill me, either one works.

just a small warning, this is like. soooo not professionally written (or proofread) at all. it's just a bunch of different types of notes slapped on a page. good luck soldier.

@dreamweave01 this is for you

so the main thing i remember is that it's mainly donnie and mikey angst

OH OH i just got something BIG

so it started out with donatello being replaced by someone else for years and the other turtles had no idea. then it was him replacing himself and then it was leo instead and a few other different versions that i plot holed away. i ended up with raph, leo AND donnie being replaced by robots BY the real donnie (who had died along with the other two) for years and mikey had no idea. then i was like, hm another plot hole, robots dont bleed. and THATS where it all came together.... (evil hand mushing)

boom, bop, bam: they're from another timeline/multiverse

and then the angst started. (side note: i personally dont think i have a good handle on their characters/relationships with each other. i need to rewatch the show and watch the other ones tbh, please take this with the finest grain of salt you can find)

scene 1: mikey finds out

right now, it's just him and donatello in the lair, the other two are out or something. he overhears don talking about "day 1,100, didn't think we'd make it this far without michaelangelo finding out, etc."

"who are you? where are my brothers? what's going on?"

"get away from me. don't touch me"

"don't call me that, you don't get to call me that. not mikey, not mike, or mikester or angelo or anything, none of it!"

he's freaking out. 3 years? his brothers aren't even his brothers? initially he's flipping his shit, trying to get away from donnie(?). for all he knows they could be robots, shapeshifters, anything.

scene 2: leo finds mikey (on a rooftop)

"hey bud"

"GET AWAY FROM ME" he's got his kusari-fundō spinning, pointed at leo(?)

leo(?) raises his hands "okay! okay! it's okay dude, i'm not gonna hurt you i promise", he reaches to lift his swords out and throw them to the side.

michaelangelo, breathing so heavily, lowers his weapon yet still spinning it. he's leaning side to side, lightly pacing but never turning his back to his brother(?)

"listen, uh. buddy, just come back home and we can talk about this. we'll explain-"

"no! i'm not going anywhere with you"

"do you really think we would wait this long to do something to you if we were going to?"

that stumped him. would they play the long game? tello would. but the others wouldn't and honestly, donnie would get bored eventually anyway.. maybe he should hear them out.

scene 3: the explanation

they all sit down together and donnie explains what happened.

at first, he tells mikey the truth and leo and raph immediately berate him for not going through with their inital plan to lie so that mike doesn't flip again. buuuut then I thought it'd be angstier to go through with the inital plan 🫢

Donatello explains:

"So say," he draws two lines on a hologram, one purple, one orange. he points to the orange one, "this is your timeline and this is ours," pointing to the purple line

"In our world, you died. You weren't strong enough, too young maybe, to handle the ooze. As time went by things were normal for us, then out of nowhere a portal brought us to your timeline."

(context dump: the three completely grew up without him, mike has no memories of the portal why? idk yet...trauma response probably..)

L: "We were all confused at first but eventually we figured out that you had brought us here because your us's were gone."

R: "So we figured out the routine, the rhythm. Played the parts that you expected."

M: "So this is...my fault? I took you from your home and you, you just let it happen?!"

D: "I obviously have been trying to figure out a way back but alas, even the most genius of geniuses have trouble with multi-versal travel.

scene 4: emotional damage

(an: i know, i didn't write much here. i got a little lazy, its literally just the climax)

big crazy scene, like wild colours (lots of orange and yellow) and destruction and stuff like the movie type shi.

D: "MICHAELANGELO, MIKEY, PLEASE. please. I know you're still in there. I- I'm sorry. You didn't do anything wrong. It was me, I lied to you, Mikey."

spell breaks (yippee)

M: "what?"

D: "You didn't pull us away from our timeline. I-" deep breath

"I pulled you from yours."

M: speechless, confused. vulnerable.

D: "You were all alone! You had nothing, no one left. I couldn't just abandon you."

"I thought it'd be perfect. We didn't have you, you didn't have us. It was the perfect puzzle!" sigh "and then we had to go and mess it all up by not telling you the truth."

[nobody-viii]

The Turks - Context Clues (The Kids Are Alright)

@accala posted an excellent inquisitive post about the Turks here and their motivations and to add some The Kids Are Alright: A Turks Side Story book context, imma leave this here. Couldn't find the quote I was looking for, but here's some things I found interesting. NOTE: I feel like Advent Children did the Turks a little dirty, but I really loved the banter as a kid. This book has some of the same campy shortcomings, but take it or leave it, here's what I found.

1.) The Healen Lodge from Advent Children was an R&R facility for Shinra, universally accepted as the worst one by employees. The Turks/Rufus chose it for its tactical advantages, but it also shows how far back on their heels they were. "The Shinra empire had ruled most of the world up until two short years ago, and it didn't sit right with Elena that the company president had to live in such a desolate place. Yes, medical treatment was available, security was way better away from the city, and the commute was only two hours by car; the staff could have had it much worse." - pg. 14

2.) The abandoned rec hall was being used by Shinra as a lab to convert SOLDIER stimulants into geostigma treatments. The project was Elena's idea, with the resulting medication being donated free of charge to city medical professionals and the WRO. (pp. 16-17)

3.) Reno & Rude were sent into the city to retrieve a stolen item from a teenager (read the book for details I'm too lazy to go into it), and when he started crying and shaking, Reno and Rude switched to a new script. "Aw, look. The kid's really scared." The redhead sounded sympathetic now. "That's what we came to do," the bald one pointed out. And: "Now, we put on our best tough-guys acts on the way over, so we can't just leave without roughing anyone up," said the redhead. "Our job is to teach a lesson to anyone who tries to mess with us." I was still scrambling for an explanation to give them. "Y-you mean, kill me?" was what came out instead. My voice even cracked for good measure. "That's one way to teach a lesson. But we're trying to strike a balance for Shinra, here. We want everyone to love us and maybe be a little bit scared. Killing you would have the opposite effect." (pg. 23) Reno opted to punch the kid in the face, then tell him to keep his chin up, so...balance? Sure. Shinra is, at this point, technically trying to figure out their PR while simultaneously leaning on old habits. Also, the kid calls Reno and Rude a knife and a fork and I thought that was funny.

4.) Reno is described as someone who looked like he 'turned delinquent as a teenager and never grew out of it, like those kids in the Sector Eight warehouses who I still hated and admired in equal measure.' (pg. 23)

5.) Elena roughs up one of the protagonists, but reins herself in when context is presented: She'd paid a visit intending to break Fabio's dominant arm, but when she saw him fight back to protect the child, she changed her plan. Her objective was to punish a thief, not deprive a child with geostigma of his only guardian. (pg. 47)

6.) Reno calls a doctor for the guy he roughed up. Kyrie nodded. "I figured, these guys must have phones, so I asked them to call Dr. Drake. 'Evan's in a bad way 'cause you guys beat him up,' I told them. And guess what? They said they don't know any Evan. So I lost it and said, 'Yeah, 'cause Evan's the one you whaled on when you mixed him up with Fabio. You owe him..... So then the redhead--his name's Reno--he called a doctor. Not Dr. Drake, he said, but a good one..." (pg. 55)

7.) Evan (the protagonist) is trying to work out who would be the easiest Turk to try to forge an alliance with and we get a glimpse of how the Turks are perceived by outsiders (Tseng is an unknown entity to Evan at this time): The most dangerous one was probably the lady Turk who went after Fabio. A close second would be the slab of muscle out there, Rude. Maybe the redhead Reno was more on our level. I thought back to my first impression of him--the grown-up teenage delinquent. Guys like that generally looked out for their own. A sense of solidarity. There had to be an angle I could work. (pg. 57)

8.) There's a whole scene where Evan and Kyrie try to ambush Rude. They choke him, break a chair over him, kick, scratch, the whole shebang and he just brushes himself off and manhandles them to a car (which made me laugh).

9.) Reno and Rude take the protagonists towards Healen in a truck and there's a few moments I found interesting. "So anyway..." Reno was looking at me in the rearview mirror. "Sorry about the shiner, dude. We totally did think you were Fabio. But y'know, I'm impressed you stayed mum and protected your buddy," Reno went on. "Even if you were about to piss your pants." (lol) Then, "Some of us have been slower to to adapt to the new way of doing things," Reno continued. "How many Turks are left?" asked Kyrie. "Can't tell you. That's Shinra's most closely guarded secret." "It's just you three, isn't it?" "Not telling." "But I'm right." "Yeah, you keep thinking that." (pg.63) Rude sleeps through the majority of the ride despite Reno trying to keep him awake. They talk quite a bit about Aerith, because Kyrie and Reno both knew her. Reno warns them not to get mixed up with Shinra's science department.

10.) Evan gets introduced to Rufus for the first time after believing the former president has been dead for two years and Tseng finally exists in this book for two seconds. "He's alive...?" Evan was still speaking to Reno. "I am. The decoy who took my place is not," Rufus replied. "You're a candidate for the position--and from what I can see, you'll do." Evan's jaw dropped, and he stared agape at Reno, then Rufus, then Tseng. Tseng looked down at the ground, trying to hide his laughter. Evan's description of Tseng: He looked like a Turk, too. The very definition of one, in fact. Reno and Rude both showed an awkward humanity--well, sporadically in the latter's case--but this guy was pure ice.

11.) An ill-conceived escape attempt by Evan and crew sees Rufus temporarily kidnapped, as Tseng and Elena are investigating an explosion. Reno and Rude try to stop it, but are ordered back. "Reno, stay back!" Reno obediently halted. I had expected to see fury in his eyes, but all I say was sorrow. Surprisingly, I felt a pang in my chest, too. But there was no other way. I pulled Kyrie's knife from my pocket and opened it--a sad, flimsy little blade, but it could still slice open a throat. "Hey, don't be stupid." I ignored Reno and held the knife to Rufus Shinra's neck. Then, "Reno, take Rude and check on the lab." Suddenly Rufus was giving orders. "Tell Tseng not to get involved here." "Wait, what? Boss, are you sure?!" "Don't worry. I'm as interested in staying alive as you are." Reno reluctantly descended the stairs, glancing over his shoulder almost every step. (pg. 77)

12.) Reno and Rude talk about family and have a lil tiff. "If I found out about a brother I'd never seen, I'd make way more of an effort than those two," Reno insisted. "That right?" Rude said. My colleagues are all I need. "You're not much into family, eh, Rude?" "I'm a Turk," Rude said flatly. "Coolheaded and cold-blooded." He turned and headed for the truck. "Hey, Rude. You pissed at me?" Reno called, an unabashed whine. "C'mon, man. You can't cold-zone me now. Tseng and Elena aren't answering my calls, and the boss just tells me to finish the monument. I know they're starting something awesome without us. We're outcasts! Me and you, you and me. If we don't stick together, then what?" Rude looked back. "Tseng isn't answering calls?" (pg. 94) Reno goes off several times throughout this book about how he'd act if he got the chance to meet family, which makes me wonder about him. "So how'd it feel, meeting your brother?" "I don't think it's sunk in yet." "Well, it's a process, I guess," said Reno. "But you gotta visit once in a while, you know? Then you'll get to figure each other out. Break the ice." (pg. 97)

13.) Reno and Rude are actually partially responsible for the monument in the city. This lil bit kinda gives weight to how long they've been in Shinra. Evan was one of those types who wasn't quite grounded in reality but was full of bravado. A show-off. A scared kid determined to buck people's expectations by pretending he had no fear. And if he kept it up, he was gonna do something stupid enough to get himself killed. Both Reno and Rude had known too many kids like that, from rookie Turks to infantrymen to SOLDIER operatives wet behind the ears from mako infusion tanks.

14.) Reno & Rude get amused by Kyrie treating them like they're not scary. The concern over redemption makes an appearance. "Now what?" Rude stepped closer from his vantage point. Apparently, he'd been watching the whole time. He was pretending he didn't care, but inwardly, Reno was convinced, Rude was intrigued by every act of the farce. Which only made the whole thing funnier. "She said she's hungry," said Reno. "So she's gonna grab something to eat." "It's like she's never heard of the Turks. It's almost refreshing," Rude remarked. So this is what happens when Shinra wins hearts and minds. Reno chuckled again but then remembered that the girl was still afraid of them. He'd seen the goosebumps on her arms. Her toothless threats were her way of gauging the danger he and Rude presented. Evan might trust them, but not Kyrie. Despite what Rude said, she knew what they were and what they were capable of. "You know," said Rude. "She reminds me of Aerith." "Yeah, I was thinkin' that too." Maybe helping them out will redeem us, at least a little bit, he thought. A guy can hope. (pg. 106)

15.) Shinra's resources are thin...and that chopper that ate it in AC was one of the last ones left (cue gross sobbing because in the words of a certain Puppy, Shinra makes good stuff). No one knew exactly how many helicopters the Shinra Company used to have. Within a half a year of Meteorfall, many of them had been looted. Accidents, mechanicals, and other circumstances had taken out others, and now Rufus Shinra and the Turks were left with only three. But even with so few, it was a constant battle to keep them in working order. Also, Rude has mechanical experience and is the one on repairs.

16.) A civilian points out the flaws in Reno's hopes for the future of the Turks. "Well, to be honest, maybe my opinion of you guys is changin'." Doyle looked at Reno again with a level stare. "You're up to better things." Reno couldn't help averting his eyes. Unless it came from a fellow Turk, approval tended to make him uncomfortable. "The monument and the medicine are only one step, you know. Just wait. It might take a while, but Shinra's gonna get off the ground again. Rise again, you hear?" That general idea had been floating around in his head for some time. This was the first time he'd said it aloud. "How?" Doyle scowled, his thick eyebrows lowering. Reno cursed himself for the thoughtless comment. "Can't tell you." "Yeah, I figured. But no one is going to let a violent regime lord it over them again. Not anymore. You tell your president that."

17.) Tseng and Elena bring up the notion of inviting old Turks back into the fold. "For any one person, finding it (Jenova's head) may well seem like a futile task. But there is still a nonzero chance. Either way, staying in contact with our agents and meeting regularly are essential to maintaining organizational cohesion." " But how many...?" Elena glanced around and spoke in a stage whisper. "How many former Turks can we expect to help us?" In his mind, Tseng saw the faces of the old Turks, his former subordinates. Of those, he had made contact with-- They get interrupted and Elena rushes off to investigate something. Tseng watched his operative go with a wry smile. Below the hem of her sundress, old scars marked her legs. Once you joined the Turks, you were in for life. Even those who tried to get out and build new lives could be summoned back with a single phone call. Maybe it was a cruel call to make, Tseng thought. and he sighed.

18.) Reno & Rude defy a direct order from Tseng. "Dumbass," Reno muttered. "What are you waiting for? Engage!" Tseng's command rang from the speakers. "Evan's down there," Rude answered in Reno's stead. "He's already done for," said Tseng. "Fire." "No can do," said Reno. "Reno." Tseng made his name a sharp rebuke. "He's our friend." "Fine. Let me briefly explain--" Tseng's voice abruptly cut out. "Radio trouble," Rude mumbled, his hand drifting away from the radio's master switch.

There are a lot of quirky, funny, violent, or neato moments I didn't list, so check out the book if you want more insight. Hope this gave you some headcanon fodder.

[ryin-silverfish]

LMK and the Problem of Li Jing

If my browsing in the Nezha tag is any indication, I'm not the only one who has...opinions about the interesting writing choice in S5.

Namely, it's awkward, completely out of left field, and forced.

I am also gonna try and calmly dissect my feelings on the matter, so that it doesn't become a "me sassing Li Jing for ten pages straight" post.

See, my biggest problem isn't "Li Jing is a good/sympathetic dad instead of his more mythos-accurate portrayal".

There are adaptations that make him a good father (Nezha 2019), or at the very least, a flawed but still sympathetic figure (Legends of Nezha cartoon).

And even though FSYY and JTTW's Nezha both have their Attempted Patricide Arc as part of their backstory, when JTTW's Nezha showed up in the novel proper, he was overall more obedient towards Li Jing, so it's not completely without basis (tho crucially, JTTW's Li Jing is also terrified of him picking up the "Patricide" hobby again).

The key, however, is Show Not Tell.

See, the adaptations above are all Nezha-centered works that have plenty of screentime to show where they diverge from the original mythos, and build their takes on the father-son relationship off that new foundation.

LMK, however, doesn't have that. We don't know if either version of the Patricide Arc is true for the show, or even given Nezha's particular backstory for this setting.

We don't know if we should just assume that Nezha's backstory in either JTTW or FSYY went down the same way, or given clues as to where it differs.

All we have are the on-screen interactions, and these consist mostly of Li Jing being his typical Lawful Stupid self.

Sure, there are weak attempts at making him more sympathetic: we are told, through Nezha, that he had been "working sooooo hard" to keep everything running after taking over as basically regent of the Celestial Realm, but again, we aren't shown that properly.

All I see is this guy who...I dunno, went out to get Starbucks or something when JE was kill, then showed up after everything was over to play the loyal minister and prosecute SWK and the gang for bullshit reasons.

(Which is coincidentally very accurate to his overall role in FSYY. Except FSYY's Li Jing was anything but the most sympathetic father figure.)

And because we are given no context for their relationship, their confrontation and reconcillation also feel rushed, falling completely flat when it comes to emotional impact.

Like, if we are to assume their backstory are mythos-accurate, then the whole thing makes no sense——neither "returning your flesh and blood" or attempted patricide can be shrugged off that easily.

If we are to assume it differ from the mythos...HOW and WHERE? Does the birth from a flesh ball happen? Is Nezha destined to be the Vanguard of the Zhou Army, or just a supernaturally powerful kid who can wreck the dragon king's crystal palace three days after his birth?

If he did kill Ao Bing and not just some random dragon, was it an accident, completely justified, or FSYY-accurate? Is his suicide forced or a willing sacrifice, done to save his parents? Did Li Jing destroy his temple? If the Attempted Patricide Arc happened, how was it resolved?

Change one of these, and it will have completely different implications on the Li Jing-Nezha relationship, yet we don't get a single answer to any of these questions.

As a result, the show's version of their relationship and conflict also feels very shallow and generic, your standard "The obedient son must finally stand up and find the courage to voice his opinion to his harsh but loving father——no real anger involved, of course!"

Which is a narrative divergent enough from the mythos as to require proper explanation, instead of being left up to the audiences' imagination, and also, in my opinion, far less interesting than it could have been.

For example: instead of learning to speak his mind (like he'd ever be afraid of doing that), the high point of their conflict is Nezha realizing that he has legitimate reasons to express his anger towards Li Jing for his short-sighted, unsound and overall Lawful Stupid decisions in the here and now, without it being a continuation of their old grievances or exploding into Patricide Arc 2: Electric Boogaloo.

And for someone whose limited characterization has been nothing but an unbroken chain of putting laws and loyalty above reason and common sense, it should take something a lot harsher and undeniable than "They aren't bad guys, dad!" to convince Li Jing.

Lastly, instead of the very cliched "I'm sorry, there's so much left unsaid, I'm proud of you" line, I'd prefer something that was less blatant and, though still awkward, more in line with the rewritten conflict above: sth like "You are right to be angry at me, and I won't mind if you never stop being so."

[toskarin]

while i enjoyed my time with elona+, it never quite grabbed me in the long term, so last night when i downloaded the demo for elin i was quite surprised to discover that i locked in until about 3AM trying to figure out how to get metal processing going, and only stopped at that point because i recognized that i probably should even if i didn't feel like it. it seems that i yearn for the forge

anyway do you know which folder elin keeps custom portraits/sprites in? i assumed it'd be the same as elona but i wasn't able to find it digging through the steam directory, appdata, or looking online

elin doesn't actually have a distinct custom folder for portraits, but if you don't want to make a mod (because it's pivoted more to mod support for that kind of thing) the best way to go about it is by opening the standard portraits folder (Elin\Package\_Elona\Portrait) and then adding your portrait of choice as a special portrait

somewhat in-the-weeds explanation of how to do this below the break, mostly intuited since I haven't made any mods myself as of yet

for context, the structure of a portrait's filename is (and keep in mind that I'm using my own terms here, I haven't looked at how the documentation would describe this)...

[tag]_[gendertag]-[NAMEGOESHERE].png

so, to make a special portrait for a female character, it'd be something like... "special_f-myportraitwithauniquename.png"

if you wanted that to work with all gender options, you'd use an n instead of an f. if you didn't plan on more than one defined character ever using it, you could even skip the gender tag altogether

if you wanted to add tinting, you could draw out the mask for that (basically a monochrome cutout of the hair) and then name that image "special_f-myportraitwithauniquename-overlay.png"

the main advantage of making your portraits as special portraits is that they can't be used by random npcs which aren't specified to generate with them, which means it slightly overlaps with portraits tagged UN (they do the same thing except they also disallow the player from choosing them)

as a fun aside, there's also a specific tag set aside for foxfolk, presumably because it would be weird if any generated without ears. I haven't played with modding in earnest, but I imagine you can also make your own pools of portraits that way

I think that covers it? I may be off here, but that seems right to the best of my knowledge

[lucky-draws]

(transcript + some notes/explanation under the cut:)

i feel like the context of this is maybe only apparent in my own head LOL so basically ive kind of imagined an au where, based on the rebirth ending, james has succeeded in bringing mary back to life, but also maria, and also james gets killed in the process. so it's basically just maria and mary alone in the townTM trying to figure each other out. and this is a letter maria sends mary at some point basically. transcript in case the font is annoying to read:

Mary, You’ll have to forgive me if any of this sounds a little weird. I haven’t written anybody a letter in years, and I’m not sure if I have much of a way with words. Though I’ve been spending a lot of time in Ernest’s library lately, so hopefully some of his great literature has rubbed off on me. Somehow, I had this idea that I never liked reading much - that it wasn’t really my style - but I ended up getting kind of hooked. His dusty old books sure aren’t the worst company in this town, at any rate. I wonder what we really are, you and I. I used to think of us as two music box dolls: dancing side by side, spinning in perfect unison to somebody else’s tune. Like a pair of clocks keeping the same time. Two parallel lines, and an impossibility for us to ever intersect, to face each other head-on without some kind of disaster.

We’re not completely identical, though. If you looked closely at me - if you could bear to do that - you’d see all my imperfections. I lack your fine details. The paint on my lips is messier, my joins are showing, and there are bits of sprew left between my fingers. Pick me up, and you’ll feel how much lighter I am - I’m missing a lot of internal parts, you see. I’m a knock-off - we were cast from different molds. You were born of nature, while I was born from your very own killer. But I suppose I don’t need to tell you that. Do you hate me? I understand if you do. Or maybe I’m not so important - maybe you can only think of him. Or perhaps you’re trying not to think of anything at all when you sit by that lake for hours on end. I don’t know how you can stand it - going to the lake every day. It's so quiet. No ducks, not even a single bird. I’d go crazy, I think. That’s why I like to stay at the bar: there’s no one here either, of course, but it feels easier to imagine there might be. To pretend that we’ve only just closed, that those drinks on the table belonged to the last customers, and not to me. I’ve been so restless lately, sitting in the bar all night. I wonder if - no, I guess I’m hoping that - something’s going to give, soon. I think I’m losing the beat  - I’m spinning slower than you are. I think it’s because I keep getting distracted, always thinking of you. I don’t know what it is. Perhaps it’s simply because you’re the only thing in this dreadful town that’s not a monster. But I think you must be as lonely as I am. Much more so, probably. And I can’t help but wonder what it would be like if you’d only reach through the mirror and touch me. I’m full of missing pieces, I know - but I have this notion that between us, we might just be able to come together into something like a real person. You know, some days I feel I hardly know who I am; but other times I feel so sure that I’m beginning to dance to my own beat. It’s no fun dancing alone, though. Well, I guess you know where to find me. I’ll be waiting at the bar tonight. I always am. I’ve waited there every night - for something, someone, anything, anyone - for what feels like forever. But these days, I’m just waiting for you. See you around, Maria

[bazoonga-bazinga]

watching tua s4 knowing fully how its going to disappoint me rn and something that keeps bothering me is just how awful it is that they dont show what happens during the 6 year time skip.

like in season 2 we get to see an abridged version of how everyone got to where they are. this allowed for me as viewer to at least undertsand the reasoning behind the siblings' actions and conflicts. but in season 4 there is just none of that.

instead we only get to see the after of the timeskip. Whatever bits we do hear abt the time in between are extremly limited because they are things that are told to us from biased/flawed/one-sided perspectives. I as a viewer do not get a clear idea of why any of the 8 charcters of the main cast change the way they do becuase i am never shown how this change ocurred. its more i am told things and have to accept because of the 6 year gap.

lila and diego's strained marriage is actually i think the only they showed without telling to an extent. but it still would have also been nice to see thier struggles transitioning to suburbia and would also aid me to better understand why neither of them tried to find an adequate balance in the 6 years. also like why is diego working as a delivery driver? in my mind it makes more sense for him to be a mediocre private investgator or something like that? idk just some more context behind the tension and thier decsions (especially lila dear god dont even get me started) would have been wonderful

viktor's journey to Canada and his distancing from the others sounded interesting and i would have loved to see that on screen. he clearly is unable to form long lasting intamate relationships and showing his life in the time gap would have been a great way to show his journey of accepting the loss of sissy.

allison was definitely hit hard by the lack of explanation. i understand the scheduling issues with raymond's actor but it truly was a heavy blow to season 3 allison actions when they just said he left with no other explanation. most of her conflicts in season 3 were motivated by the loss of claire and raymond and you are telling me she just lost 50% of that a year afterwards? and like this doesnt get mentioned until episode 3??

i actually enjoyed klaus's shift to a risk averse person and it did make sense to me after losing his immortality to become more aware of not only his but his loved ones mortality. the biggest glaring issue is the one everyone has talked about: the lack of dave. i think if they had shown klaus trying to find info on dave and/or even visiting his grave in the timeskip it would been fine with me that he wouldn't mention dave that much. but the dog tags being on screen and him not saying anything is actually inasne??? also it sounds like there was definitely more to his sobriety than what they have told sad that we didnt get to see that storyline....

everyone has said thier piece on how luther just mentioning sloane and then no other explanation is actually awful. like a simple flashback fo luther searching and finding sloane living a different life would have been better than them giving us nothing💀

ben i actually have nothing to say...it would have been silly to see the crypto scam ig. also an explanation of why they even showed the other ben the post credit of the s3 finale i think is warranted. like even a mention of yeah there is probably another ben who belongs to this universe walking around would have been okay ig

five oh where to even begin.... first of all how tf does a person who isnt even in thier 20s even get a gig at the cia. i know they said some bullahit abt five being a part of a relative young group/recruit (cant remember the exact wording) but like a person who is younger than 19 getting a job at the cia is a bit much. also i actually refuse to belive that five wouldn't have figured out his boss was part of the keepers there is just no way. after the handler and reggie i refuse to belive that five would lose his suspicion towards authority figures. i think the only authority figure he has ever listened to was the founder version of himself and even that took time. like if you want me to believe that bs then show me how five turned his brain into mush in the 6 year time skip. either that or show how me his loneliness in those six year because from what i have right now five worked at the cia and that is it nothing else. like from what i have been told by the show nothing else happended to him besides working. which if thier implication is that he was only working and drifted apart from his siblings that message was not clear enough to me as viewer and would have been alot clearer if i was shown such as thing.

[isthepame]

Interview with Takahiko Sakurai, voice actor of Sae Itoshi in Blue Lock

(Originally published 9 November 2024)

In this second season, Sae Itoshi appears more prominently. What kind of direction were you given during the recording process?

T. Sakurai: Before we began recording for the second season, the director gave me a very detailed explanation of Sae’s role and personality within the story. From Isagi’s perspective, Sae is an incredibly significant presence. But through Rin’s eyes, he’s a cold, merciless figure—so much so that Rin might even say, “I’ll kill you.” However, when you peel back that harsh exterior, Sae is in fact a composed young man and a very clever player. His seemingly indifferent behaviour stems partly from his own nature, but it’s also deeply influenced by his experience on the global football stage. The things he says to Rin don’t simply come from some fraternal grudge… That’s how the character was presented to me.

It was actually the first time I’ve worked on a project where they went into such depth about the character’s backstory. It really helped me shape Sae’s voice and presence.

It’s true that Sae is emotionally hard to read. That must make it quite a challenge to capture his essence without a thorough explanation. What are your thoughts on that?

T. Sakurai: Exactly. Even in the original manga, Sae’s emotions aren’t clearly laid out. Honestly, even with the detailed background I was given, I still feel I haven’t fully grasped what kind of person he really is. We know he’s dubbed Japan’s football treasure someone gifted enough to stand out on the international stage at a young age but beyond that, his inner world remains a mystery. We don’t even know why, despite starting out as a forward, he ended up switching to midfield.

For Rin, it must have been utterly bewildering to see his brother someone he looked up to suddenly change course like that. And because Sae’s not one to explain himself, Rin’s likely left feeling as though he’s been flat-out rejected. That kind of emotional turmoil is totally understandable, and frankly, quite natural.

Also… Sae has a rather abrasive way of speaking, doesn’t he? (laughs) But that rough tone is often just the way players communicate during matches or within the team environment. So it’s not always clear whether that sharpness is part of his everyday speech, or just something tied to the context he’s in.

What are your thoughts on Rin, Sae’s younger brother?

T. Sakurai: Rin is someone who constantly tries to act like he’s above it all, maintaining a sort of calculated distance from others—but deep down, he’s desperately trying to preserve that isolation. That’s why he keeps people at arm’s length and puts up such a cold front. But in truth, the way he handles things is quite immature.

Even though he tries to be this lone wolf, the world around him just doesn’t allow for it. Because of his sheer skill, he naturally gets placed in a central, strategic position within the team, and players like Isagi are drawn to him. I find it fascinating that even though Rin believes solitude is the answer, he’s constantly being pulled into connection with others. It’s one of the most compelling aspects of the story how it so precisely explores communication and human relationships.

Also, Rin is unexpectedly talkative despite his cold demeanour. And, of course, he’s got a sharp tongue just like his brother. (laughs) He’s got this deep voice, but now and then, you catch a glimpse of a more boyish expression in his face. No matter how much he tries to hide it, he definitely has a softer, more vulnerable side.

And what do you think of Yoichi Isagi, the protagonist?

T. Sakurai: Isagi is a very relatable lead. He’s got standout football skills his spatial awareness and direct shooting are impressive—but his greatest asset is his mind. He thinks, he struggles, he reflects, and even when he doesn’t always come to the right conclusion, he keeps pushing to find the best one. Watching him go through that journey naturally makes the audience want to cheer him on.

But in reality, Isagi is a bit of a monster on the pitch. He starts Blue Lockas one of the underdogs, yet there are very few players who can evolve their talent as rapidly as he does. Even when he’s running on empty, gasping for breath, his thinking remains razor-sharp something most players couldn’t manage.

What’s brilliant is how he expresses it all in simple, everyday language. That’s what makes him feel so close to the audience. He may not be physically exceptional, but his mental capacity is off the charts and above all, he never gives up. He keeps moving forward no matter what. It’ll be fascinating to watch how he continues to grow.

On the upcoming match against the "Blue Lock Eleven":

T. Sakurai: From Episode 6 onwards, the match against the Blue Lock Eleven finally kicks off. With Sae having brought Ryusei Shidou onto the Japan U-20 team, the setup itself is already intriguing. I think many of you have probably picked up on the feeling that “this isn’t going to be as straightforward as it seems.”

Though Sae hasn’t taken to the pitch just yet, it’ll be exciting to see how he enters the match so please do keep an eye out for that. Of course, it’s not just the Blue Lock Eleven; the Japan U-20 players also have very distinct personalities and their own stories within the team.

What I’m most interested in is how Shidou moves on the field he’s a total wildcard. I really hope you enjoy the match from all its many angles.

Translation done by me (isthepame) on the X/Twitter platform.

[borderlinereminders]

I post a lot about self-soothing and working on needing reassurance. And while it’s important to do, it doesn’t mean that’s how it always has to be.

I try self soothing first. Sometimes with my best friend, I know my feelings at her aren’t her fault. It’s something small that’s triggered insecurity even though I know it’s not rational. And I try to deal with the feelings myself first. But sometimes I can’t. And it’s okay.

In these cases, I usually go to her. I’ll tell her “I know it��s not rational and it’s not your fault. But I’m having feelings about x, y and z”. If possible, I’ll tell her what I’m looking for (like reassurance).

She’s always very happy to offer me that reassurance. She knows that I’ve come so far and worked hard and if she can reassure me, she’s often happy to in order to make it easier for me.

I’m going to share my most recent example under the read more for a real life example of how I applied this.

But my overall point is that it is absolutely okay to ask for reassurance and sometimes you need to. It’s just important to do it in a healthy way.

A few weeks ago, she was overwhelmed and busy. I offered to watch her dog for her while she was working. I didn’t get a response back because she was thinking about it.

And then I found out someone else was watching her dog.

I felt a lot of confusing emotions. I felt angry. I also felt insecure, like she didn’t trust me. I was frustrated at her and the person now watching her dog. I felt jealous.

I used skills to try and cope with these feelings. I didn’t lash out at her. I tried using logic to suggest alternatives to myself. Perhaps it wasn’t personal that she picked someone else. Maybe it was for logistical reasons. It was probably just easier for her.

I tried to sleep on it, but the feelings were growing. No matter what coping skills I used. Sometimes, the coping skills don’t work to self soothe or talk myself through it.

I was feeling annoyed for small things and I knew that it wasn’t her fault. She hadn’t done something wrong. But I decided to talk to her about it. I didn’t want the feelings growing and causing issues and they weren’t going to sort themselves out.

Here are copy and pastes from our actual conversation :

Me: My explanation for feeling hurt is that **** told me she was taking Storm and I felt hurt because I offered twice and you didn’t respond at all to it. It made me feel like I did something wrong to break your trust. I am really emotionally sensitive right now and I know I’m having an *extremely* heightened emotional reaction to it but I can’t seem to let go of the bad feelings. And I know it’s not your fault. But also it just feels bad and I feel like I need to tell you about these feelings because I can’t let them go on my own. I could really use some reassurance.

Her: That’s so valid.

If context helps you feel less BPD, I was actually trying to figure whether to leave Storm at home or bring her to you but I needed to know my new start time at work with the new schedule before I’d know if I could make the timing work to drop her off with you after the ferry.

Then *** was sad about the breakup with *** and I offered to lend her Storm as an emotional support animal. I know she really struggles with being alone when she is sad. And I decided I could do without my dog temporarily. I can see how it would’ve seemed like I preferred having **** watch Storm.

But your BPD is very valid, I probably would’ve felt the same way under the circumstances. I hope you have a great day and I hope you know I love you. Also that I think you’re great with dogs and would have 100% wanted you to watch Storm this week.

-

( The name of the person watching her dog are blacked out for privacy reasons.) While she didn’t need to share the context, she chose to do that so she could better offer reassurance. I also want to point out that she validated my feelings. My emotional reaction was heightened but she still validated me. She also then offered reassurance for my specific concern (that I wasn’t trusted). She was patient and understanding. I was valid to need reassurance but her reaction to it was super valid and why it felt so safe to seek reassurance from her.

[locke-esque-monster]

I had a sudden thought come to me about TUA season 4 today that I haven't come across anyone talking about yet: The CIA doesn't have jurisdiction on US persons/soil.

I'm not an expert on the subject but a quick search generally defines that the CIA can't do anything that the CIA is doing during season 4. That's the FBI's role.

So we have no context about how Five has advanced this far in the CIA at the point season 4 begins. I can only assume he and the others got fake paperwork to immerse themselves in the world. (I'd argue it actually makes a lot more sense that all the characters have effectively entry level or self-made jobs, both from lack of experience and lack of work history/real world skills, which is harder to fake than papers).

Five's young, but I'd bet he got ID that aged him up a couple of years, and he's smart enough to compensate for the fact his educational history is also probably faked. But he's got to have had some damn good fakes to slide past the CIA.

But he's clearly established and has a good rapport with his boss, and we have no context for that. And we start in the middle - he's already investigating The Keepers. So he's past the point he would have questioned the order to do that. Which says one of 3 things happened:

Five has questioned his boss why he's breaking the rules and the boss gave him a good reason he could live with.

Five has some sort of deal with the boss that he follows sketchy orders either by mutual agreement because his history/papers are suspect but the boss likes him, or blackmail from the boss because the boss wants someone on his payroll he has a hold over for less reputable tasks.

The writers have straight up forgotten or changed Five's personality without warning.

There's no way Five (or at least seasons 1-3 Five) did not know or would not easily figure out on day one the CIA's jurisdiction. And Five has never found an authority he won't question. But previous seasons have also taught us that Five will work with someone he disagrees with, IF he has a good motivation.

But you're telling me that Five worked for the CIA for an extended period of time, and never questioned his boss for clear violations like investigating or being in charge of crime scenes on US soil? AND his boss was so obviously suspicious Luther put it together in 1 day with the man? Well, I call serious BS.

Keep in mind - this is the man that lasted ONE DAY working at the main office of the Commission before questioning all authority and blowing half of it up.

Just rolling along with his boss breaking the rules with no explanation why in no way resembles the Five we as the audience know prior to season 4. And the writers don't even give us the decency to try to explain how Five changed in the interim or why.

So at the end of the day - we're kind of back at shitty writing no matter the choice - either by omitting scenes to make a character motivation make any sense, or by forgetting/not realizing they changed the character so drastically they need to explain why he changed.