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#ugh it's so hard to explain
yardsards · 2 years
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anyone else with aphantasia sometimes gain the ability to visualize things but ONLY in the moment like RIGHT before you fall asleep when your thoughts get all blurry and abstract and your senses start fading?
or is that just related to how sometimes if i'm sleep deprived enough i will start having very vivid lucid dreams before my body actually fully falls asleep
#eliot posts#aphantasia#tho i only have like. i think it's referred to as partial aphantasia#i can't close my eyes and truly visualize shit#i can just get brief like. flashes if images. i can't hold them there even if i tried#and i'd say they're blurry but that's not it#because blurry is something you can see#the details aren't there but you can't even see the lack of details!#it's somewhere between seeing the object and just holding the abstract concept of the object in my mind#ugh it's so hard to explain#like. i'll try to visualize a trumpet#the trumpet i visualize is gold rather than silver#but what do the buttons look like? are they the plain silver ones? plain gold? the kind with pearly tops?#couldn't tell ya!#but the trumpet is not conspicuously buttonless either#it's barely an image of a trumpet more like the platonic ideal of trumpet. not the word trumpet or the sound of one of the feeling of metal#it's barely a flash of gold accompanied by the knowledge that trumpets have 3 buttons and a bell and a mouthpiece#but it's not like my image of a trumpet even specifically had buttons or a bell or a mouthpiece#even though that's like the WHOLE trumpet (i mean plus the tubes n shit)#but sound-wise? i can sit here and straightup LISTEN to the parts i remember of our jazz ensemble playing 'how high the moon'#if i know a song well enough i can just sit there for 3 minutes and listen to it#(if i don't know it very well i can just hear little few-second clips that are probably missing a couple instrument parts)
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hey-hermy · 1 year
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You've already made it through so much, and today will pass just like the rest of them and you'll hopefully be able to feel a little better soon ❤️.
Remember, tough times don't last, but tough people do - and you're v v tough for still being around and just simply being yourself so you got this ❤️
Thank you anon, you are so kind and good, I hope you're having a good day💚
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naturecalls111 · 8 months
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I think I love Sanji so extra much because he’d acknowledge my ‘girl-ness’ in a way that I feel like has not ever been acknowledged in a way I wanted it to be wails
The chivalry intended not with hopeful reciprocation but with admiration. WAILS.
#nc111 talks#like growing up the whole concept of ‘being one of the boys’ was so stupid to me#mostly because I had so many guy friends and I was not appreciative of their treatment of me at all#there were definitely times where I wanted to tell them like. hm. I wish you would respect my girlhood a bit more#I love being a woman. I really do#my girlhood is something I keep very close to me. I was very jealous of other girls in my school who exuded that type of femininity#speaking purely from personal experience - just to make that clear#but I like being and being associated with traits that are quite literally stereotypically aligned with Girl-ness#so hard to explain!! but at its core I just love chivalry though lol#one of my friends was like ugh no I’d never want a guy to hold a door open for me just because I’m a girl#‘I’d want them to hold it open because it’s just a kind thing to do’#and like. yes. core sentiment I totally agree with#but also I Do want to be acknowledged as a girl I spent all of my childhood and teen years having my Girl-ness barely recognised and#it sucked seing the disparity in the treatment#but it also sucked seeing the intent with which these guys treated women chivalrously#which is why Sanji appeals to me. his chivalry is not ill intended or manipulative. ever. and it acknowledges womanhood all the same#OK RAMBLINGGGG#lost the plot. point is I love Sanji because I see him do his little dance while giving Robin a dessert she never had to ask for and I sigh#WISH THAT WERE ME.#edit: none of this matters mostly because I don’t care to date men#but I suppose it’s like. even in my friendships with other girls I feel like there was an inherent establishment that ok so I act as the Guy#And She acts as the girl#when we go out their arms would wrap around mine#and mine never wrapped around theirs. does that make sense#hold their hand as they walked down the stairs in heels. helped them out of cars. you get the image#SANJI WOULD HOLD MY HAND OUT OF A CAR EVERY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love him#I’d never have to ask! ah. love chivalry.
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runawaymun · 1 month
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#sorry let me rant real quick in the tags#cw personal#once again hitting an insurance pothole bc the psych says she accepts my OHP plan HOWEVER the therapy group she is contacted with says#THEY don't#they only accept the insurance if it's through my employer but NOT through the government??????????????#so there's still some kind of payment???#anyway I want to scream why is this so complicated#like will she take my insurance or not who's right here#anyway called her back directly and went to voicemail so now I've done all I can for now#why the hell is this so hard man#the person on the phone didn't know really how to explain#once again no one knows what they're talking about#like can y'all not communicate and figure this out?#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#i need to get an ADHD eval before my next PCP appointment in june so that they will continue giving me my meds#and the psychiatry through the hospital has a limited number of visits that insurance will cover#*contracted#not retyping all of that#and once again the only reason this is so stressful is because the psychiatry group at the hospital fumbled the communication ball last tim#and the psychiatrist I was with never put the ADHD on the chart#and now somehow it's MY responsibility to fix that>#UGH#like I am grateful to have some kind of coverage but holy shit is the US healthcare system in shambles#the bureaucracy is INSANE#i had to just sit down and put my head in my hands for a second#and then go 'right okay nothing i can do about that rn moving on'#uGH#literally said 'what the FUCK' out loud a couple times#like not on the phone after I hung up obvs
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mihrsuri · 25 days
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I keep trying to write an update and then being embarrassed about it and feeling like I’m trauma dumping on people by updating and I just..I know it’s on me to manage my crap, I know. I am trying (not very well but I’m trying) and it’s just…I don’t know. I don’t even know.
#please know i have thought about hospital but hospital would#genuinely make it worse (like I cannot even tell you how much worse)#i think I’m legitimately just…having a trauma reaction on top#of a jewish trauma spike#and dentists and having to move (I may have cleaned till I shook today also my arm#does not look great#i feel like i don’t actually verbally have the words#(i have tried not engaging i have tried engaging they both feel awful)#(hashem i don’t know would you even embrace me would you…)#(it’s not a meds thing (I take meds for mdd and I know what that looks like and this isn’t it)#(it’s hard to explain the difference between CPTSD and like a panic attack or a depression)#(except that I feel like I’m so so tainted and not in my body or if I’m in my body I’m in my body somewhere else#abuse cw#i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered#this will disappear probably#UGH#(i am seeing my therapist tomorrow i just..i know i need to reach out to)#(to like my current landlords and ask if I could just pay for a cleaning service to come in)#(i know i need to be like ‘unfortunately my CPTSD is Fucking Terrible Right Now and I need)#(just a bit of grace apologies)#(i do not want my parents to know i do not want that)#(aside from the fact that I am already a burden to them anyway)#a stupid flop of a person i am crying thinking about how i had plans for kids and a wife and travel and…I’m nothing#(everyone else is something I’m not I don’t deserve grace lbr)#it keeps running through my head how many people i thought loved me want me dead#and it’s like I can fake it so well#(i don’t know I may be like sending words to people)#to run through the steps of not being alone#i’m truly sorry i am always not taking accountability and playing the victim and clinging to people#to get reassurance i don’t deserve that its a good person it isn’t it isn’t a person
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i-am-beckyu · 9 months
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Writing for me atm be like this:
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and this
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and also this
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Oh and can't forget this!
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Yeah writing has been going great recently......
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sysig · 29 days
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Totally unaffected by this gesture of affection, definitely (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Helix#The Captain#ZEX#Forgive the quality lol I wanted to make them pretty but then- Well you know lol#Dandelions <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3#You know it's bad when you start getting excited about the most mundane little signifiers <3#Dandelions deserve way more love than they get anyway it all balances out#I just hghh it's such a simple setup but there's a lot of feelings that can be expanded upon!#Like would Zelnick know about dandelions cultural ties?? He grew up on Unzervalt - unless someone brought some with them!#Or explained it I guess - but also Unzervaltians seem like scrappy underdogs sprouting up in the sidewalk cracks to defy the Ur-Quan too#Feels like it would actually mean a lot to him if he knew their symbolism!#But even if he didn't - they're Earth Flora! A piece of his home that /should/ just be mundane and everyday and not a big deal but it is!!#I legit teared up at Zelnick appreciating a blue atmosphere ah <3#He loves Earth so much wah <3 The naturalistic storytelling in his internal monologue are genuinely So Good#And then y'already know I love ZEX gifting him flowers lol I really do need to finish that one comic I posted the preview of it's cute!#Any little way that he engages with human courtship is The Cutest to me <3 Trying so hard to impress his love!#Trying so hard to cross that cultural gap agh it gets me bad! Seeing humans as more than just pretty somethings to be enjoyed at a distance#ZEX's pride also gets me bad hehe but I really love when he uses his intelligence to try to relate and understand#See humans as complex individuals both personally and in different cultures! He gets so distracted so easily hehe silly ♪#Also I don't know if I have anywhere else that it'd come up but agh gods his and Zelnick's conversation about the eventual fallout of ZEX's#kidnap attempt - Literally The Best like ugh!! ♥ I /tried/ to write something half that exact and eloquent and it's just right there! Gah!!#S'beautiful s'so good fjdslafd I'm love I'm love
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taikanyohou · 1 year
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“I guess, a guitar? But I can only play just a bit of it.” WHY YOU ... Y ME? (2022) - Episode 5.
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the-kipsabian · 7 months
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so glad to just come home and immediately be like "okay its vent hour time" but like
dont fucking talk to me about being a writer and then tell me you use ai to write 3/4 of your text for you and top it off by BRAGGING how you "wrote" 50k words in two days
YOU DIDNT WRITE MOST OF THEM. THATS NOT WORTH BRAGGING ABOUT TO SOMEONE WHO PAINSTAKINGLY HANDCRAFTS ALL THEIR FICS FOR FUCKING DAYS FROM BEGINNING TO END AND EDITS ALL THEIR SHIT AS WELL
fucking hell im angry
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inkbotkowalski · 6 months
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Woke up and remembered how robbed we were with Ted Lasso season 3
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violetlunette · 2 years
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Okay, so if you've been following me for a while and have seen my posts on the league of victim mentality—I mean villains, you may have gotten the idea that I hate “tragic” villains. This is not the case, believe it or not. I actually find villains with tragic pasts interesting. What I hate is when the “tragic” backstory is used to justify or overlook their crimes.
Warnings:
*LONG post
*Images
*Anti-Himiko Toga
*Anti-Dabi
*Anti-League of Villains
Spoiler Warnings for:
*Demon Slayer
*Bojack Horseman
*My Hero Academia
*Once Upon a Time (line or two)
*Wanda Vision (one line)
*HP (one line)
TRIGGER WARNINGS:
*Mentions murder, rape, and terrorism
Before reading, keep in mind this is an opinion piece and therefore may be a mistake or two. In other words, take it with a grain of salt.
So, to start this—basically what I said above. While my past posts suggest, otherwise I like villains with sympathetic backgrounds. The villains in Demon Slayer are among my favorites. They’re interesting as characters well as sympathetic. See, when written properly a sympathetic villain could be very entertaining. When written poorly, however, it comes off as them saying, “Look I know they’re responsible for killing a bunch of people, but you have to understand; they were sad once.”
Look, I am a person with a strong sense of justice and morals, and this tends to carry into the fiction I read. (Unless the tone prepares me, but that’s another post.) So when someone does something wrong, I expect the narrative to treat it as such. Now, of course, I’m not rigid, and I’ll have some flexibility on most things, even killing depending on the circumstances. However, I still want characters to be held to some accountability. I guess what I want is for writers to take the Bojack Horseman approach.
Whether or not Bojack is a villain is debatable, but what isn’t is that Bojack did many bad things and hurt a LOT of people. Now he has a sad backstory with abusive parents who abused him in every way but sexually. And the show never glosses over it. It states quite clearly that Bojack was hurt and uses his past to explain how he came to be the way he was so we can understand Bojack. It also makes it very clear that Bojack didn’t deserve the abuse he went through.
HOWEVER!
The creators of the show went out of their way to show and state multiple times that just because Bojack had a shitty attitude doesn’t mean it was okay for him to hurt the people he did. And more importantly, it shows that the people he hurt were people.
Princess Carolyn is a person whose feelings he took advantage of. Todd is a person who he used to make himself feel better and whose friendship he didn’t appreciate till later. Diane is a person who he hurt multiple times. Herb was a person who he betrayed and abandoned. Penny is a person he took advantage of and mentally damaged. Gina is a person he hurt and mentally scarred to the point she suffers from PTSD. Sarah Lynn was a person whose life was lost because of him.
These weren’t perfect people and, in their own way, they contributed to the situations that hurt them.Even so, in nearly all these cases they were victims of Bojack’s actions, and the show never denies or softens the blow. With Bojack, we see who he hurts, why he hurt them, and the results of his actions, most of which came from a choice HE made. Often in stories, these people would just be background filler for the villain to make them look evil, but here they’re people. Bojack Horseman also provides CONSEQUENCES for the title character. Again, Bojack hurt people and he’s held accountable. The League of Villains won’t be. Just watch. Hori has shown us in his other stories that he’ll let a villain walk after a beat down, and all will be forgiven. “But wait, Looney! Bojack Horseman is a TV Show for adults. It’s targeted at a completely different demographic! Plus, it’s a different medium altogether. It’s absolutely not fair to compare the two.” Quite right. There is quite a difference. So, let’s look at something closer to the medium, shall we? Let’s look at another anime of the same genre targeted at the same demographic; Demon Slayer.
In Demon slayer, Demons are humans transformed by a demon named Muten. Once they become demons, they often lose control of themselves and their humanity and turn into beasts that eat demons.
I’m going to use the Spider Demon arc as an example, particularly the Spider Mother.
Now, here's why Demon Slayer works for me and BNHA doesn't;
First, we see the people that the spider demon hurts and how she hurts them;
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They’re not just waved off or mentioned in a line or two. We see these people frightened and hurt, begging for help before they are killed. Deaths we also get to see;
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True, they weren’t main characters or even people Tanjiro and the others knew, but they were people.
Remind me, who did Dabe kill again? Can you think of any faces? Their voice? Do you know how they died? Did Dabi corner them? Or did he kill them in a burst of hellfire? Were they even aware they were going to die or surprised? We don’t know any of that. The only hint we got that Dabe’s actions hurt anyone was a reporter, but that’s it. The manga doesn’t want to focus on the people that were hurt because they want Dabe to remain sympathetic. Ultimately, his victims mean nothing.
And yet, Demon Slayer did better in making the villain sympathetic;
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The Spider Demon Mother was once a human turned demon who joined Rui for protection. She was then forced to change her face and become a “mother” despite being younger than the rest.
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We see that she was abused, hurt, and scared--
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--So much that she longed for death.
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So much so that we pitied her along with Tanjiro.
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However, we knew she had to die to atone for the people she killed. There’s no cushion to her crimes; we saw her torture and kill teenagers who were just as terrified as she was. And also know that because she was a demon she had killed and eaten innocent humans regularly.
Shinobu put it best herself when facing Spider Sister; "Bitch you killed a bunch of people and expect that to be okay?" Okay, she didn’t say that. Here’s what she actually said;
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Shinobu is pretty merciless here to this demon begging for help but  it’s not unwarranted. Like it or not, she has a point; 
The spider demon here killed many people over the years quite mercilessly. Nature or not, she still did it, and even if Shinobu did show mercy, there’s no evidence that the demon girl wouldn’t just eat more people when she was safe.
However, there’s the fact that the demon here really can’t help it. She was turned into a demon against her will, and her mind is clouded by demon instincts. It’s like getting mad at a cat for killing a bird. It’s sad, but it's nature.
The compromise comes from our hero. Tanjiro knows that he has to kill the demons because they’ve hurt people and will continue to hurt others. However, he still remembers that these demons are people too. So when he kills them, Tanjiro isn’t cruel, or merciless.
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Tanjiro made her death as swift and painless as possible. He took no joy in it it, but did what he had to do. Because she wouldn’t stop and those kids that were killed right in front of him deserved justice. The Spider Demons were were victims but they were also killers. THAT’S why they were villains. And so, Tanjiro and Shinobu held them accountable.
Speaking of which--and lacking a better transition--One of the things I love about Tanjiro is that he never allows the villains to use the victim mentality on him. One actually tries it once;
During the sword village arc, they accuse Tanjiro of bullying the meek when said meek is a fiendish killer who spent both his human and demon life blaming his failures on others.
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(Picture says it all, doesn’t it?)
How does Tanjiro respond? He calls them the fuck out.
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He all but states they’re not victims but attackers. They’re the ones killing innocent people without care and refusing to take responsibility.
Tago reminds me of the meek demon. She is responsible for killing thirteen boys and several thousand people when Shiggy destroyed a city. Yet all she’s thinking about is herself.
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During her entire fight with Ochako Tago is thinking of ONE person; herself. Even though thousands are dead and dying because of her. But oh, Ochako’s at fault here for not listening, boohoo! Fuck off. And before you say it, the fact that she’s a teenager only gives her so much leeway.
Ochako calls her out for this and tells her the same thing Tanjiro did.
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Unlike Tanjiro, Ochako is treated like she was in the wrong, and it becomes all about poor Tago, who by the way, killed an old lady just to trick her.
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See, the difference? Demon Slayer makes its villains sympathetic and accountable, My Hero Academia—like a lot of shows—doesn’t. From here on out Ochako is treated like she did wrong for not “listening” to Tago. (I’m gonna have to make a vent post about this chapter eventually.) But for now, I digress.
And while I tend to give Hori a lot of leeway in BNHA, as I know that the story is heavily influenced by editors and publishers, I know this on him. Why? Because he did it in his other story. I’m going to use the Aquarium arc as an example. Here, whale man abused the animals whom he gave human form and even killed them.
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Yet in the end, it’s hinted that he’s going to be welcomed back and given another chance.
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But here’s a surprise; Hori could get away with that shit here because most of the main characters are animals. Cruel, but killing is different in the animal kingdom because—as sad as it is to say—there’s a law of survival of the fittest. The animal mentality is different from a human's in a blue and orange way.
In BNHA the people being killed and doing the killing are human. There’s no blue and orange, it’s black and white. Hori can try to say it’s gray all he likes but it's not. He says the heroes are just as bad as the villains but when have we ever seen that? Have we ever seen a hero hurt an innocent? Refuse to save a person? Demand they be paid before doing their job? Nope. The worst we see is Endeavor as an abusive father, and that’s a different can of worms.
So, in conclusion;
Sympathetic villains are great when done right. It makes them engaging and can create empathy for others while showing a different POV. However, most writers refuse to hold them accountable, which can be even more dangerous than creating a villain like Maleficent or even All for One. Why? Because then the audience will use it to justify their own shitty behavior, a fear the creators of Bojack had, especially after an incident with the Rick and Morty fandom and the Mulan sauce.
The show runners of Bojack even had a character in their show flat out state,
“You know that’s not the point of the [show]--for guys to watch it and feel okay.”
“I don’t want you, or anyone else, justifying their shitty behavior because of the show.”
--Diane, Bojack Horseman, Head in the Clouds
And personally, I hate the victim mentality more than anything, especially when the characters exhibiting it have done some truly awful things.
OUAT Regina: "You’re the one who added evil to my name!"
Me: Uh, yeah! After you spent years murdering, raping, and slaughtering villages, then cast a spell that kidnapped hundreds of people and mind raped them. All because your mother—who you KNEW was a manipulative bitch—tricked an eight-year-old into telling a secret!
OUAT Rumpelstiltskin: "Why can’t I have a happy ending?" (Paraphrasing)
Me: Because you caused nearly everything that went wrong in the show and emotionally manipulative and abusive, controlling bastard.
OUAT Zelena: "Sister, why can’t we be BFFs?" (Paraphrasing)
Me: Many reasons, but the biggie is that you raped her boyfriend and eventually got him killed.
OUAT Mary-Margret and David: "Oh, our daughter hates us because we lied."
Me: Uh, there's also the fact you kidnapped an unborn baby from her mother. Then filled her with "darkness" that made it so every choice she made would result badly for her, then sent her to another dimension to die. Oh, and you did that just so you could manipulate your daughter's future instead of letting her have free will! (And how did that work out, btw? Oh, right. She became a thief and went to jail, all “without” darkness in her.)
(Note: Please don't misunderstand, the OUAT actors did a great job, but the writing failed the characters.)
WandaVision Monica to Wanda: “They’ll never know what you gave up.”
Me: Oh poor baby, Wanda had to give up a fantasy family that she literally made up and could create literally anywhere else to set a town free that she mentally enslaved to play out her TV fantasies. Something she knew she did because the government told her so when they came to save them! Wanda mentally tortured a town of innocent people for a year just so she could have her fantasy family life. And no! Her past doesn’t make shit like that okay.
HP Snape: "Why didn’t Lily love me?"
Me: Because you never viewed her as a person but as your dream girl. Also, Lily knew that you looked down on anyone with muggle blood to the point you joined the magical Koopa Klan. (You all know what I mean.) And Lily told you that to your face!
Do you see my point? I could come up with more examples but this post is long enough. The sad backstories of villains are supposed to help the audience understand so we can prevent ourselves and others from ending up like them. They are NOT supposed to be an excuse for their actions or a justification to wipe the slate clean. But that’s what most writers tend to do nowadays, which is why I prefer my evil for the luz villains. They’re fun, entertaining, and interesting, and they don’t waste time making excuses.
Does this mean I want the BNHA villains to die? No. I mean, I won’t cry or anything, but I’ll call it even if they go to jail for a couple of years and spend their lives repenting afterward.
And you know what? I can live with it when fans do stuff like this because that’s what fandoms do. It’s a whole different story when the creators do it as they should know better.
It’s like when a kid says, “fuck you” and when an adult says it. Sure, it’s insulting and infuriating but it's just kids being kids, so you blow it off. If an adult does it, that’s a whole different story as they know the meaning and ramifications of that word.
Anyway, this is long enough, so I’ll end this here.
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dwtdog · 2 days
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Soulmate AUs where one of them rejects the other before they meet for the first time (I'm talking like writing on skin type of soulmates) are top tier for me personally.
Because imagine your finally meet your soulmate (but don't realize it), you fall in love with them meanwhile they tell you about how their soulmate rejected them and it ruined them when they were younger because imagine being in a society based around the idea of being with a soulmate and all you can think about is "how can anyone be such an idiot as rejecting this beautiful person?" and then learning it was YOU who was the idiot that rejected them and hurt them. Just, chef's kiss.
-🌟 Anon
YESSS this is exactly what i love about good soulmate aus the irony of hurting the person you're destined to love </333 and just like. wanting so badly to be the soulmate of the person you're in love with but being too afraid of being wrong so all u can do is wait and wait and when it finally is confirmed u feel like you've wasted so much time
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obnoxiousarcade · 8 months
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oh sigh my woes: desprately wanting to talk to a purrtain some one but only knowing how to prepose a conversation by asking if they want to play chess
(^ andthis happens at least 4 times a day)
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xullianspamnoham · 26 days
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i need to stop crying!!!
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rapidhighway · 1 year
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I finally have a concept art class this semester and I've been so excited about it this is all I wanted and still i can't bring myself to do any work for it pls pls pls 😔
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rainybraindays · 2 months
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I took a nap and I am still so upset about everything thats happened today
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