#unrelated but my entire world has shattered

[leafwateraddict]

Easy way to display the lesbian flag on yourself regularly while still not be out of the closet is to just say its the rainbow sherbet flag and you like rainbow sherbert

They’re basically the same thing

[harrowharks-iliac-crest]

Fuck. Yeah, let's talk about grief.

Have you ever lost someone close enough in such a way that you would, if given half the chance, lobotomise yourself to dull the pain even a little bit?

I have. And I was twenty-six, nearly a full decade older than Harrow.

Really, when you take a little step back, this book is all about grief. About how grief can drive you to do horrible, awful things.

Not just what Harrow did - erasing Gideon from her existence entirely - or at least trying to; though this is probably the most obvious example.

(I kinda can't believe that when I first realised Harrow's memories were all skewed, my literal first theory was "Harrow couldn't deal with the grief and fucked herself up so she could go on not feeling it".)

But also God - in his grief for the whole world, resurrecting it - resurrecting his love, his friends - and then having to deal with the consequences.

But also Mercymorn and Augustine - ten thousand years later still driven to murder by their grief - justifiably, to be honest.

It comes though in Gideon's narration - her grief for her mother, her grief for Jeannemary, her grief for herself! -

It's an undercurrent in the entire book, more present than the River.

If you lost someone that close to you, wouldn't you also fuck yourself up so you wouldn't have to remember?

I remember when I first learned that my best friend had died, suddenly -

Just having to sit there, as the world came crashing down around me -

And just not knowing how to deal with it. at ALL.

I still don't know, to be honest. It's been years.

There's something about the unrelenting cruelty of, of having to get up, having to go on. Having to eat dinner (or at least unenthusiastically pick at it), having to go to bed, try to sleep, having to get up, and go to work in the morning.

Maybe not right away. But whether you like it or not, the world just fucking keeps on turning. It's unrelenting, uncaring almost. How can everything just keep going when your world has just been shattered?

I don't blame Harrow. I don't blame John, or the Lyctors - I don't blame any of them.

I don't blame any of them.

What do you do??? What do you even do?????

And it makes me angry -

It makes me so, so angry, that it's so, so difficult to talk about it.

Grief is one of the most universal human experiences. It is. None of us will go through life without losing someone close to us. If we do, it's only cus we die young enough to become that someone to the people around us.

And how do we deal with it??? In the culture that I grew up in and live in, it's just not really talked about. You talk about it maybe, when it happens, briefly, you maybe mention going to a funeral. You hear awkwardly, sorry for your loss, condolences, I don't know what to say.

I don't know what to say. No one does, ever. It's a problem. It's a problem.

You might bring it up on anniversaries or if something reminds you of them. You might swallow it because you don't wanna bring the mood down. You might not even know how to talk about it yourself.

I don't. Not really.

I really feel like grief is the big elephant in the room in western societies, largely ignored, yet always present. Aren't we all grieving in some way? It doesn't even have to be for a person - a relationship or the climate or a place you've had to move away from - a place you remember being different to how it is now - a time you can never go back to. A pet. Your health. There are so many things you can lose forever.

Aren't we all grieving in some way?

I guess finishing this book has brought a lot of mine up to the surface, quite suddenly. I didn't expect that. But like a kaleidoscope, grief reflects in many colours. I like it when books can play on my emotions like harp strings - and this book has definitely done that; it held up a mirror, and it said:

If you had the power to erase your pain, wouldn't you?

And if you're itching now, as an older, wiser version of yourself, to tell Harrow - tell her that grief isn't easily escapable like that - tell her that those memories are precious, don't you get it - tell her that it will hurt worse, in the long run -

How would you feel? How did you feel, back then, when the wound was still so fresh and raw? When you were younger, more desperate, with fewer options?

Wouldn't you also have chosen to live in a world where your pain was overwritten?

[yonemurishiroku]

How do you see Nico's relationship with Hestia?

Precious. Heart-warming. Beautiful. One-of-a-lifetime. Miraculous. Graceful. Holy. Splendid.

Ok sorry, I got overboard LMAO. I just love their relationship too much.

You see. My fascination with Nico runs deep and wide. And, unsurprisingly, despite the various ships I throw him in, I'm most in love with his familial connections. And I do, with all my heart, believe that Nico would value his family more than literally everything else in the entire world.

And Hestia is just the exact representation of that.

I see the connection between Nico and Hestia as more than mere friendship. Yes, it's already magical - the fact that Nico has befriended a goddess - but it's even more beautiful when it's the Goddess of Hearth and Family. I don't know if it was intentional on Rick's part, but their friendship appears, to me, as a highlight - a stark reminder - of how irreplaceable family love is to Nico.

Probably why it can still strike me so hard without actually having any material, to begin with (Rick wtf?).

The only time we see them interact was that time, Nico came to get Percy. Though, it was said that Nico "stopped to talk" to Hestia in their first time of encounter. Now, you can see it's because Nico was a hyperactive and social child at that point, but I'd like to take note that it's also the symbolism of Nico's unrelenting, indelible, natural attachment to Family's Love - for which, no matter what, Nico would always seek out and never reject what - or who - he considers family.

The point is, I see family as such... an important, vital, fatal thing to Nico. Bianca's departure left him shattered, Hazel's existence is the resemblance of hope, Reyna's friendship pulled him out from the shadows, and despite their rocky start, Hades remains a significant part of his life--- Like. Whenever it comes to family and what else of it, Nico is so... intense. Drastic. Always to the heart, to the core.

It feels special to me, okay!? 😭😭😭 So I think Hestia - just the concept of her having a connection to Nico - is important as it is and in what it represents.

And yet, Rick had the nerve to throw Nico and Hestia's friendship in my face and then forget about it for the rest of the series. I'm still bitter about that. but I'm bitter about a lot of things anyway---

[the-moth-from-elsewhere]

The Amazing OC Unoriginal Soundtrack.

You’re welcome, autumn.

Okay so I like to associate songs with scenes and characters, but sometimes I take it a step further and make what is essentially a soundtrack for a world comprised of random songs. Like a full OST but made of songs that are completely unrelated, or even songs I have straight up made up in my head. I’ve done this a bit with TAOCC specifically, especially because I like to think about scenes as if they were in a video game (or even a book!), often in the style of a visual novel or something. So….here goes I guess??? This is going to be completely off the wall and entirely for my own personal gratification so GET READY.

By the way! I’ll be linking most songs due to Tumblr’s audio file restrictions! My apologies for that.

———

Freaking Table of Contents:

“Mix and “Mada Dame Yo””

“Music Boxes.”

“Yume and music boxes”

“I guess I should talk about Yelena, huh?”

“Some stuff with Ace Attorney”

“Antiquity for the Funnies”

“Planetquest my Beloved”

“Dusk and some One Shot Shenanigans”

“Kingdom…y….stuff…YEAH! Can you tell i’m running out of titles?”

“I am losing it, there’s so many songs, let’s do the rest of GTA while I still have my sanity”

“The railroads and other Fei stuff. Awww yeah.”

“Some autumnal ost”

“Other/miscellaneous”

Goodness help me.

Mix and “Mada Dame Yo”

Alright, so there’s this specific leitmotif in Madoka Magica: Rebellion that’s typically associated with Homura, and comes from the song “Mada Dame Yo”. It’s all over the ost, and ever since I started listening to it, I’ve imagined this as Mix’s motif instead.

This song first plays when Dusk visits the bar for the first time and Mix is properly introduced. He starts speaking when the accordion begins. At about 1:05, we get a view of the back room, specifically of a bloodied sink, and the first hints of something being wrong or concerning about him.

Later, during the scenes with Mix when he’s stressed or arguing with people, specifically during breakups, we get “Raise the Curtain”, where the accordion becomes tense, and instead of kind of swinging back and forth like it does in the song, I imagine when mix snaps, the accordion player messes up playing a very shrill note, before going back to playing the motif over and over and over again.

Most hopeful scenes with him have “Not Yet (Epilogue)”, especially the scene where he finally accepts himself. Fight scenes use “Retribution”, because Xeya said that was his fight theme and now I can’t unsee it. But, of course, for his final Witch breakdown and kind of murder of Simon and Yelena, I just had to do “I was Waiting for this Moment”, just to complete the madoka rebellion thing.

This song also plays when we see a full flashback of the car crash. It’s sampled when Isaac becomes a magical girl, and when he first confronts mirror Elida.

Speaking of Elida, a lot of these songs have a music box in the background. Isaac’s theme instrument is the accordion (the accordion later becomes the “regret” instrument), not the music box.

Which brings us to our next segment:

Music Boxes.

Music boxes are used to denote children or child-like characters/moments, as well as generally being a good way to keep track of a character’s innocence. If the music box in their theme is upbeat and pleasant to listen to, the character is probably innocent or naive. If the notes are strained or distorted, there’s a severe problem or their innocence has just been shattered. A music box cover of a character’s main theme will play whenever they talk about their childhood or a flashback plays.

The music box-esque thing in the background of most of issac’s themes is supposed to reference Elida and how, despite her death, she haunts him at all times, burning her presence into even his theme music.

Yume and Music Boxes

Yume’s theme and leitmotif is “Hitonboro Envy”, almost always instrumental. The normal version plays in scenes with her, although it’s usually very quiet and uses quiet acoustic guitar. Her song is usually sampled in the background instead of being the only motif used, but during scenes where she’s being a kid/childish, the music box version plays instead, and does actually take center stage. When she’s feeling conflicted or having a crisis, both versions will audibly fight to take control, the guitar and music box trying to choke each other out as she switches between mentalities. Conversational themes with her or times when she’s working on art/not in conflict will often use the “Mochi’s Manor Night” theme instead, with bits of Hitonboro envy dipping in at times when she hints at her internal struggles/suffering. Mochi’s Manor is most often used in conversation with Odette, Achilles, or Slynn, while Ramona gets Hitonboro Envy’s guitar because she tends to bring out that side of Yume.

I guess I should talk about Yelena, huh?

This is where things go ABSOLUTELY OFF THE RAILS.

Yelena has so many songs I associate with her, it’s kind of insane.

Her songs are generally separated into two categories: the cutesy upbeat ones, and the horrors.

Her main leitmotif is “Snowfall” by Øneheart, which plays whenever she’s calm and okay and not dying of the horrors. She doesn’t really have a leitmotif as much as she has a certain “vibe” to her music.

“Wake Up” plays during her introduction sequence with Simon. “Wistful” plays when she’s in more calm, relaxed scenes.

And now for her non-calm/fight themes, which take a HARD turn into cutesy upbeatness.

More upbeat/casual interactions use “Ka’mani’s Hair Salon”. Celebration/festival scenes with Yelena use “Crawdance”, while most fight scenes (specifically when she feels like she’s going to win) use “Rabbit Hole” (INSTRUMENTAL, OBVIOUSLY). Witch fights, specifically the scene with Simon and the fight with the Air Control Witch use “Flirt Flirt Oh it Hurts”. The sudden tonal shift in the middle is when the Witch starts fighting back.

When fighting her Doppel/witch, a slowed down/distorted version of “Snowfall” plays.

Some stuff with Ace Attorney

This is Clown’s theme and you can’t tell me otherwise. The sudden orchestral segment happens when a character really gets an idea of his power level.

Gumshoe’s theme from the anime is Zachariah’s theme and leitmotif. It’s reused as zombie’s theme, but zombie’s version sometimes has some instruments missing or replaced with other instruments. The beat that starts about 0:36 appears in most scenes that he’s in, in the background, or starts playing when he’s involved with the events onscreen.

“First Tournabout” and “Novice Attorney! Phoenix!” are often filler cheery themes for when the characters are having a nice time.

“Pursuit ~ Cornered” is so iconic of a song that it’s only usually used in joke arguing segments. It was used in the scene where everyone got mad at Kumo for putting Ketchup on spaghetti, or when Nova gets caught pranking someone.

Antiquity for the funnies

Let’s start with antiquity itself. It’s leitmotif is this instrumental version of “September”

Although, you might get the more upbeat and intense part of the original instrumental with all the drums and stuff if your character is in danger. Antiquity’s theme instrument is bells, and it’s implied that the bell sounds in the music is actually Lemonade’s bell tower.

speaking of lemonade, his theme and motif is Viva la Vida. This instrumental version is the base from which his themes take bits and pieces, although when you’re getting the grand tour of antiquity or he’s at the tower, the base song’s instrumental plays. The bells from this song are omnipresent in almost anything involving lemonade or the seasons as a whole, while the slow ending accordion plays during times when he’s regretful or guilty or lonely. The baseline takes center stage when he’s excited, and the beat gets really loud in combat. A music box version plays when he flashbacks.

Calla’s motif is the “Starlight Strand” theme from Slime Rancher 2. It shifts from version to version depending on the mood of the scene, but it always plays in her house.

It shifts to the “Night” version when she’s excited or happy, the “Dreaming” version when you’re upstairs or in the guest room, and the “Late Night” version when you find the graveyard. Her fight theme is “Creeping Rainbows”, which is sampled whenever someone starts figuring out that something is wrong with her.

Charles is in a similar situation to Calla, with this motif being “Indigo Quarry”. It plays the “Late night” version as a base, with various other versions used to denote tone. As he heals from his wounds, both physical and emotional, his theme shifts to being the “Day”/“base” version of the song.

Planetquest my beloved

Uhhh…I don’t actually have much to say here, heh! Most lighthearted scenes use the lighthearted songs from the Sailor Moon ost. The overall motif of Planetquest is “Route Venus”, and it gets a music box version during flashbacks! Also this is the theme for when The Bad things Happen, which plays when Elysia collapses onstage and when Marcus is shot.

Dusk and some One Shot Shenanigans

Dusk’s instruments are flow-y classical violins and pianos and soft synths, betraying her nature as an AI. She usually reprises/covers other characters themes instead of showing her own, but her theme is “Spatial Lullaby.”

Most early scenes with her use “My Burden is Light”, as well as her first appearance. When she snaps or abstracts or has crises, “Simple Secrets” plays, specifically in Chase’s death scene and the scene where she had her first drink.

“On Little Cat Feet” is the theme for getting lost in her domain. Sometimes “Our Heritage” or “Abyss” plays during her scenes.

Her normal fight theme is “Quiero Salvarte!” Or “Credens Justiniam”, but it can sometimes be “Madness Plan” when she’s about to snap. “Madness Plan” is Dawn’s fight theme.

Kingdom…y….stuff…YEAH! Can you tell i’m running out of titles?

Icia’s motif is literally just the Shiva motif from FFVI and I’m not sorry. This is her fight theme, the motif is the vocalist. Rip anyone who has no idea what’s going on.

This is the kingdom’s overall fight theme.

“White ball” (the instrumental version) serves as the “excited” kingdom theme, often when Cool Shenanigans TM are occurring.

“Giselle Act 2 Hilarion Appears” is the “Ramona punches some people (see: Slyn)” theme.

“Giselle Act 2 Giselle and the prince” is the conspiracy shenanigans are happening theme, usually used when Slynn and Hexe are talking. More specifically the beginning part, but something about imagining the later, more upbeat bits as very tense background music instead made me keep this here.

“Swan Lake Act 1 Op. 20 No. 2” is the “THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTING” theme. See: Yume gives Hexe a piece of her MIND.

Aoki’s theme and motif is “Decretum”, obviously all of his songs use violins.

Dunite’s music has tons of music boxes and are very cutesy. She gets a violin in her main theme later on.

Switchboard’s theme is freaking “Kom Susser Tod” and “Outlands part II” for when she’s doing technical stuff or building a plane. The theme for when she crashes her plane is “Fall”. “Space song” for when the gal is floating in space.

I am losing it, there’s so many songs, let’s do the rest of GTA while I still have my sanity

Simon’s songs are almost always classical and calm, with piano taking most of the melody. The instrumental version of “Mind Electric” is often used, but his base theme is probably the instrumental version of “Dream Sweet in Sea Major”. He just has the vibes, idk, it feels just silly enough for him. His fight theme is the instrumental version of “Murders”. The tense piano riff that plays through the middle of the song happens when he’s stressed. “Murders” is played during the scene where he’s pushed off a cliff, and is introduced to us as the theme during the “Silhouette torments sun” scene, and is played during the “killing Zach” scene/flashback/whatever. A random theme he occasionally uses during chill/lighthearted scenes is “Library Stroll”.

Bro is the entire Hawaii part II part II album

Anyways! Carbine! Carbine gets electric guitar as a theme instrument because come on I have to. He also gets really heavy base lines and TONS of chiptune. His fight theme is “Starship Showdown”.

When Sami is mentioned, Music box gets added to his theme. No, I don’t have a base theme for him...maybe this?

Caleb’s theme is “Please Help UK”. He has tons of chiptune and synth and overall is very “video game”-y.

Felicia’s music all sounds like chill elevator music. It’s supposed to show the dullness around her and how lifeless she feels, yet the world goes on despite the things she’s seen. She’s at work, and her background music reflects that. The instruments warp into something much more dramatic when she gets serious about something.

Edward…no clue, man. Camel by Camel?? All of his music sounds like a desert level from Mario or smth.

The Railroads and other Fei stuff. Awww yeah.

The railroads’ background music is freaking…like…”music to have a bar fight to” or smth.

Jessy’s theme is an instrumental of “Sweet Tooth”. I don’t make the rules. I guess his fight theme could be “Time Machine” (instrumentalllll obviously- must I even say this by now?!). Flashbacks with Amanda play “Plushie Melody”, which ends up as her motif later on.

“Museo Della Memoria” plays during Raina’s more creepy or off-putting scenes, including during the explanation of what happened to her.

Some autumnal ost

Neb’s theme is “Six Forty Seven”. Like…all of their songs sound like they’re from a liminal space video. The songs get very off-putting and slowed and distorted when the entity arrives. The liminal spaces have very chill themes.

Radio’s theme is “Ludicrous speed” for obvious freaking reasons. It will start playing very quietly when he gets excited and almost explodes like a freaking meme sound.

Nonspecific/miscellaneous themes

“Icosa” is used for silly shenanigans and other such things.

“cats!” plays sometimes when there are…uhh…CATS. Especially Fred.

“It could happen to you” is the “we vibin and having a nice wholesome montage” theme lol.

idk where I wanna put “distance of feelings” but it sure is here

This for when characters go insane.

and of course

“Your new home” plays whenever we have some kind of major existential madness.

Tags because I want people to see this madness that fell apart into nonsense

@star-on-a-beach @feiar @sh4tt3rg1rl @silhouette-anon @shot-of-hopes-and-dreams

@mod-autumn <- THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT

[digitaldoeslmk]

Hello there! I hope your month has been kind to you. This is the blog that deal with LMK, right? There's a theory floating around that MK is gonna shatter Wukong's staff in the middle of their predicted fight or at the start of it in the canon show. How do you feel about that?

On an unrelated note, what are your thoughts on the staff that Wukong uses? I'd say it's name but fear incorrectly saying it Have you watched the Netflix Monkey King movie? In that movie the staff is shown to be very obviously sentient with its own thoughts and options, and isn't shy about vibrating, humming about them. Do you consider this with your thoughts on Wukong and his staff too?

Have a good month, do not skip your meals and enjoy them, drink plenty of water and sleep early regularly.

this is the blog indeed! :3

hmmmm I'm not sure how I feel about that, exactly. I'm not much a fan of destroying such an iconic (and basically indestructible) weapon for the sake of shock value, since I don't really see any other reason for such a narrative decision. same about FFM being destroyed; its literally glazed over and, I kind of hate that /gen

you gotta keep in mind that yes this is just an inspired story but, FFM is a sacred mountain. in jttw its described in a way that it could easily be Mt Sumeru, the axis that sits on the center of the world and holds up the Heavenly realms. its, A Big Fucking Deal. same for the Ruyi Jingu Bang, it's the rod of celestial iron that held down the oceans by the Great Yu, it prevented floods during a time where those almost ruined the middle kingdom (China).

destroying them brings nothing to the story imo besides maybe Lego gaining the window to showcase another locations so they can sell more toy models. which, yes is the entire reason the show exists, to sell toys, but also..... eugh. in my ideal scenario, we gets to see FFM being restored and fixed up, thanks to everybody's efforts.

as for the second question, yes I've watched it though i gotta say, i am very much not the target audience x.x besides the first few minutes in Huaguoshan and the 2D sequence, i didnt like much about it. That said, im a sucker for sentient weapons hwbdhshbsbe

in the 1996 liveaction series of Journey to the West, Jingu Bang is also sentient and despite the dated graphics, it's some fun sequences when the staff gets to to its antics! plus 96 Xiyouji is just, such an emotional and genuinely good time of a series, I def recommend it to folks even if it changes A Lot about the canon and narrative. that's one adaptation that i think did the whole changes to the book source INCREDIBLY right.

while the staff is not much given sentience in the book, it does seem to Know that Wukong is its fated wielder and responds to him exclusively, which does give some credence to sentient weapons interpretations. that said, i do view the staff as an extension of Wukong rather than i suppose you could call a partner in arms. it's his signature weapon, what defines him as Him in iconography and depictions. same goes for Nezha with his artillery sash, fire-wind wheels, and fire-tipped spear!

thank you for the ask, and a good month to you too!!

[athousandbyeol]

discussion #7 (only friends): mew's loneliness— isolation of mew's hidden madness (light versus dark)

mew is a very interesting character to me because he's so layered and mysterious. everyone thinks he's A when he's definitely not only A but B, C, D, etc.

i've mentioned this in my previous posts, we don't really know mew's intention and his thought process. even when top is crying while hugging him, mew doesn't shed a tear despite being the victim of top's lies.

it's so fascinating that mew has so many walls surrounding him and they don't break. people don't break him— well, probably top will— but mew isn't one to lament his sadness. instead of spiralling in despair, mew will rise and seek revenge.

this will be a very short post. i just want to emphasise mew's facial expression which i find eerie and bone-chilling (again, kudos to p'book for this excellent portrayal of mew).

is it loneliness or madness?

there's this scene in the trailer that catches my attention from the first watch. it's the scene when top says, "mew might have many friends, but he has only one boyfriend." afterwards, he takes mew away from (seemingly) ray's house (i guess he's throwing a party or something).

my speculation is mew might've been the one driving. so mew will drive back to his place and top sees him off like in this bts picture;

and top (adorably) waves goodbye at mew (i can't find that post to link this with... i'm sorry...)

however, i wonder if top calls boston or it's the other way around because this shirt top is wearing—

—is what he wears when he meets boston.

top is sitting on the passenger's seat which somehow strengthens the idea that boston is the one seeking top that (rainy and cold) night. and the rest... well, the car broke.

however, something else catches my interest.

this.

when i saw it for the first time, my heart truly shattered. he looked so lonely. mew seemed so hopeless and isolated, helplessly staring at the fishes in the aquarium, probably contemplating the promises top made or the i love you top said before they parted.

but then it hit me— mew is crazy. in a good way (?). he's downright insane that it gave me tingles (and still do).

i think there are so many ways to perceive this shot of mew. but i believe there's a reason why there's more emphasis on the light from the aquarium and the darkness of mew's room.

light (what people think of mew)

many of us collectively agree that mew is kind. in the intro post, p'book explained mew is helpful and honest. he's willing to do anything for his friends if they're in need of help.

the light that rains on half of his face indicates mew still has that in him— kindness. empathy. if nothing triggers the ugly side of him, this is what we'll get from mew— his unrelenting kindness.

dark (what we don't see)

it's ironic how the room isn't entirely black. there are tinges of dark blue— somehow parallel to the aquarium or the ocean— blue, deep and vast.

the darkness that covers the other half of mew's face signifies the monster mew hides (or he never knows of its existence until top turns his world downside up). it's blue, seemingly a positive colour. but blue can also mean passiveness and sadness.

i guess, at this point in their relationship, mew is starting to get hints of top's dishonesty. but he's still unsure because as if he's drowning, he only sees top as a saviour and not a betrayer. he can't wrap the possibilities of top cheating on him because how can top still say he loves mew even when he's seeing someone else? that doesn't make sense, yes?

additionally, it's also ironic (and heartbreaking) how this scene might be shown in between the topboston scene (or before/after). it adds so much to the depth of mew's sadness and isolation because mew might believe top is already at home or somewhere else but fucking his best friend in a damn car. i believe mew's light will fade the more top lies to him.

there's madness in those eyes that hides the surging anger so well. behind those glasses and that aloof expression, mew is somewhat already sensing the doom of his relationship with top. but he can't point fingers at top yet— not when pieces of evidence aren't enough to back him up. but this is the headstart for mew. this is when his light begins to disappear.

conclusion

mew is seriously playing with my sanity and morality because i'm team mew of all people but this guy... wow. just what on earth is going on in that pretty head of yours, mew?

i'm taking this chance to applaud p'book's acting again. he's amazing. there's so much to mew that is still yet to explore and i'm so thrilled to unravel and witness the changes mew will show throughout the series. i hope whatever the directors/scriptwriters and p'book have built up for mew won't go to waste. if mew is everything we thought he is and isn't, this will be p'book's best craft to date (but cher will always be my number one <3)

anyway, it's tomorrow.

are we ready to give only friends a try?

[1 | 2 | 3 | 4 (i) | 4 (ii) | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12]

[contractbound]

more chen/yu vale thoughts, but specifically related to the main world quest series.

my thoughts unrelated to the questline can be found here

978 words

overall, i found the questline interesting, and a welcome addition to what we already knew. the echoes of an offering artifact set painted a compelling but incomplete picture. much of it was expanded on in the questline, along with other things being introduced, allowing for more clear understanding. unsurprisingly, i came out of the questline still harboring questions, but that can only be expected, so i'm not discontent. having this much to chew on is fine enough for me, for now.

one thing these quests established that felt like a breath of fresh air was how they blurred the line between "adep/tus" and "non-adep/tus". in particular, fu/jin's dialogue about how "no one is born an adep/tus, and no one stays an adep/tus forever" stood out to me. i imagine among mortals in-universe, the divide between adep/ti and non-adep/ti can seem clear-cut. some could consider it a divide between species, lifespans, ability, power, and knowledge — what is second nature to one party may be unfathomable to the other. so, i find moments like these interesting when gen/shin blurs the lines between us.

this is a little tangential, but specifically in the case of mortals, adep/ti have been adep/ti for their entire lifespan and more, so from their perspective, we may as well have been adep/ti forever. since the game follows the perspective of a new arrival to tey/vat as well, it's possible for players to develop a similar perspective. adep/ti were adep/ti long before the traveler had arrived, so we may give off the initial impression that we are eternal, and easily identified. there are a good few cases though, where gen/shin states the contrary.

in particular, hearing the perspectives of other adep/ti is invaluable to me, especially from someone like fu/jin. many of us tend to be proud, and at times imposing, but fu/jin isn't like that. she's modest, perhaps even to her detriment. she has the experience and the humbleness required to reflect on existence as an adep/tus in a more raw and honest way. if only she could have a little more confidence in herself and her abilities....

another individual that stood out to me particularly strongly was ling/yuan. it's nothing earth-shattering or profound; i just relate to her, to an extent. it hit close to home how she was more isolated, and couldn't understand the whims and tastes of mortals. there had been a few times where i too thought about what it might be like if everything "reset", so to speak, and humans no longer interfered with the environment. still, there was never any real desire or effort behind those thoughts; it was only idle musings. after all, the lives and desires of mortals were intertwined with mine for most of my life, whether or not i want to accept it.

still, i can also understand being stuck to one's ways. i can understand going about your life thinking certain behaviours are simply your nature, and you have no desire (or perhaps not even the ability) to go against it. it also resonated with me when she had to come to terms with the fact she'd gone against her "nature", and felt compelled to understand more. i hope to hear more of her perspective in the future.

a final thing that stood out to me particularly strongly was chen/yu vale's former god — fu/jin, ling/yuan, and herb/lord's former master. not much information was given, but it was enough to sound suspiciously familiar. how this "unnamed god" was described makes me wonder if she's the same god i served before mor/ax came along. i don't want to go into too much detail, but i'll write down the gist of my thoughts.

for one, fu/jin described this god as having "made many dreams come true". this is probably the single line that gives my suspicions the most substance. it sounds like something that would have been within my former lord's power and jurisdiction, considering they ate dreams in excess during the war. in tey/vat, "dream" is a word that holds a certain weight — i doubt such wording of fu/jin's dialogue was unintentional. there's also the matter of my personal connection to dreams within my canon, but i'll write about that another time.

another thing that sounded familiar to me was fu/jin describing the god as having "gone mad seeking the position of a god who may rule this world, or perhaps seeking survival". while as of now, i personally have no conclusive knowledge of the reasoning behind my former god's motives (and may never attain it), these sentiments fall in line with some possibilities i've thought of.

the morality of the ar/chon war isn't clear-cut. it's been established many times that bloodshed was the only option. whether i forgive or absolve my former god for what they've done is another story entirely, but we cannot assume certain gods are wholly good while others are wholly bad, especially not during a time like the ar/chon war. i had been considering for some time now if perhaps the prospect of power had driven them mad, or if they simply threw morality out the window just to survive. either way, it was affirming to see fu/jin describe my exact thoughts.

thinking back on their powers, and on their affinity for dreams, i've wondered for some time too whether or not their abilities had a more benevolent use. had their spent their whole reign mistreating their subjects, or was there a time where they treated humans' dreams kindly? could the ar/chon war have changed or corrupted them? if fu/jin and i truly do share the same former lord, i suppose my questions are answered. but until either the game's canon or my own memories confirm this, i can only continue to speculate.

regardless, i feel no sympathy for them. whether their temperament was innate or acquired, that doesn't change a thing.

[catdotjpeg]

At exactly 11am on a Saturday in mid-November, hundreds of students from Luton Sixth Form College streamed out of their school, gathering outside in a sea of black, white and red keffiyehs and Palestinian flags. They carried banners and placards saying “Bombing kids is not self-defence” and “This is no ‘conflict’ it’s genocide”, referring to Israel’s war on Gaza after Hamas’s October 7 attacks on southern Israel. Student organisers of the rally read out speeches against the war, in which Israeli bombs and artillery fire have now killed more than 21,000 Palestinians in Gaza, including more than 8,000 children. Yet Israel wasn’t the only target of criticism at the rally: The students were protesting against their college’s links to an arms company that had supplied weapons and advanced military platforms to Israel. The walkout was organised by the school’s student council after its chair, 18-year-old Hassan Sajjad, was approached by students critical of the senior leadership at the college, who some students felt had failed to address or acknowledge strong student sentiment towards the Israel-Gaza conflict. But a week later, Sajjad and the other council members were informed by the school leadership that their entire council had been disbanded, months before their term was supposed to end in April 2024. Their student council email communication was also suspended. “It shattered my understanding of democracy in college, and the idea of freedom of speech and ‘British values’,” Sajjad said. Since the start of the war, the United Kingdom has seen unrelenting demonstrations urging the government to call for a ceasefire. Yet as students in schools, colleges and universities across the UK also joined the chorus condemning the war, they have also been reprimanded, subtly or explicitly, for their pro-Palestine advocacy in several instances, igniting concerns around freedom of speech. Luton, a town less than 48km (30 miles) north of London with a majority ethnic minority population, has been at the centre of that debate after the backlash faced by students over their walkout. It all started when students discovered that their school had played host to a weapons giant with ties to Israel’s military.

‘Protest to have your voice heard’

Though Israel is today a major arms exporter, it continues to import weapons from the West. The United States is its biggest military partner and the source of 83 percent of Israel’s weapons imports between 1950 and 2020. But the UK has also been a steady military ally to Israel. It has licensed arms worth more than 442 million pounds ($563m) to Israel between May 2015 and August 2022 and is now facing a legal challenge in the High Court from Palestinian human rights groups.

[...]

A walkout wasn’t the student council’s first planned course of action against the war. The council – who represent over 3,000 students – suggested organising a fundraiser for Gaza and the occupied West Bank. As the civilian death count mounted in Gaza, the council also flagged the college’s relationship with Leonardo[, one of the world's largest arms companies]. For about a month, their requests were met with silence. Then, the school’s leadership said the students could fundraise but only for an event that wasn’t specifically for Palestinians. “If students aren’t being catered for and the [school leaders] are not respecting the student council – the people who represent the thousands – then you only have one option left: that’s to protest to have your voice heard”, Sajjad said. On November 18, hundreds of students walked out of their lesson in what was a peaceful protest. “We wanted students to know this is your legal right to protest, and you shouldn’t feel pressured or afraid to protest”, said Arsalan Ilyas, 17, a student at the college.

-- From "Walkout over weapons: British school students battle Gaza protest curbs" by Aina Khan for Al Jazeera, 31 Dec 2023

[lamemaster]

Shores of Styx (Achilles x Patroclus)

Pairing: Achilles x Patroclus

A.N. - I have never written for Achilles and Patroclus and only plan to post the Silm fic on my blog but this...this was a challenge between me and my roommate.

Patroclus never gets the chance to thank Thetis. His feet move almost on their own as he sees his name on the gravestone. He is free at last, unbound from the limbo between life and death. Death comes with a newfound power that promises peace and rest from the noise of the world. Patroclus's soul travels faster than ever before, leading him to the depths of the underworld, a place he has been denied for so long.

In this world, his beloved resides. But the darkness of the unlit halls of Hades doesn't bother Patroclus, nor do the eerie shadows that have haunted him for so long. While others may have resented this fate, no one in the world has ever yearned for it more than Patroclus.

The silvery gushing waters of Styx greet Patroclus, a river that protected and destroyed his beloved. A river of irony, that separates the living from the dead, a river so formidable that it holds the power to curse the gods. While Styx is known for its hatred, Patroclus finds nothing but joy at its very sight.

He spots the ominously robed Charon, unmistakable despite the tattered dull robes and hood that obscure his face. It is remarkable to believe that the fragile boat, which seems to glide over the unrelenting currents of Styx, has carried shades for eons.

The three gold coins in Patroclus's grasp feel heavier than ever. Their weight had never been so concrete during the eternity he had carried them as a wraith. Three gold coins that his beloved Achilles had placed on both his eyes, the last coin followed by a tearful kiss.

 Their last kiss. Patroclus had witnessed it all, helpless as he watched his beloved break. The fire of his pyre had shattered everything. Even as a wraith, Patroclus had rushed to catch Achilles as he fell to his knees. "Patroclus, Patroclus, Patroclus," Achilles had called him for hours until the sun rose and time left his voice a hoarse whisper. Achilles had sat unmoving for the entire time Patroclus's pyre burned. Heat, soot, or even the smell of burning flesh did not move him.

When the fire had finally mellowed, leaving behind only ash of what once had been Patroclus, Achilles stood up. His steps were brittle, stumbling in the rough sand next to the roaring seas. Achilles gathered Patroclus's ashes carefully with the most gentle movements. The greatest of Greeks, Son of Thetis and Pelus, a demigod, did the labor of widowed women.

In that moment, Patroclus couldn't help but question if his sacrifice was worth it. Was there any victory, queen, or beauty that could be more valuable than his Achilles? Had he not wronged his lover in the worst possible way? What would he have done if he were the one left alone?

All that he had once valued felt vainer than ever. Achilles' anger, hubris, and stubbornness had vanished from Patroclus' mind. Everything that had once troubled him, that had forced him to fight in his beloved's armor now seemed insignificant. What sin would he not bear to be with his beloved again? What labor, what fate would he not challenge to take away the pain that followed from Achilles' eyes?

Yet, the pain had only grown when Patroclus was denied the chance to love and comfort his beloved even in death. Perhaps it was his penance to bear the separation. His repentance was a due paid to Achilles, the one who suffered most. The one who was isolated from the world, from godhood, from sanity for a war he never asked for.

So, Patroclus' wraith existed as a carrier of memories made of Achilles. For years, Patroclus reminisced about his beloved. Not the rage-engulfed demi-god who turned the tides of the battle, but his lover. Achilles, who played the lyre with the most gentle fingers, whose laugh lit a thousand suns on fire, who was born out of the seas but ruled lands. The Prince of Pithia, who generously offered friendship to him. Achilles was much more than the infamous Hector Slayer. He was the pious fragrance of jasmine, the sweetness of figs, and the comforting shade in the burning summer.

Now, he was closer to his beloved than ever. Achilles was here, in the same realm as him, in the halls of Hades. Patroclus would finally hold his love and assure him. He would take away all the grief and misery that had stretched between them like an unending chasm.

But where would his beloved Achilles be? In the heroic fields of Elysium or the Asphodel Meadows? Patroclus couldn't help but ponder as he anxiously waited for his ferry to touch the shores of Hades' kingdom.

The judgement of the Kings of the Underworld loomed over his head. Would he be given a fate similar to his lover? He needed it, and so did Achilles. They needed to be together after all this... Patroclus would beg once again. He would grovel for an eternity next to Achilles.

As the shore drew closer, Patroclus found his thoughts breaking away from the past that gripped his heart. He reassured himself of the future that awaited them. Death would be kinder.

However, as Charon slowed down his boat with approaching land, Patroclus couldn't help but notice a crouched figure on the other end of the shore. What wandering shade had been left unjudged on the solitary shores?

As Patroclus disembarks from the boat, he spots a crouched figure with a ripped tunic barely covering the fresh wounds on their back. The sight of the person, as if their skin has been ripped off by a whip, makes Patroclus recall his past life as a healer. He feels a strong urge to help the tortured soul in front of him, even in death.

As Patroclus approaches the figure, he realizes that it is none other than Aristos Achaion, whom he had promised to recognize even in death. The memory of his promise floods back to him, but he struggles to remember who Aristos Achaion was.

Overcome with emotion, Patroclus falls to his knees beside the figure, who turns out to be Achilles. But the Achilles he sees is not the great Greek hero he once knew. He is a broken, tortured shell of his former self, with blisters, missing fingernails, and a bleeding scalp.

Patroclus tries to reach out to his beloved, but Achilles flinches away, chanting a desperate plea to go. His glazed eyes hold no recognition of Patroclus or their past life together. All the memories Patroclus cherished are gone, and Achilles is lost to him forever.

A venomous voice whispers in Patroclus' mind, blaming him for letting Achilles go. The pain of the loss is too much to bear, and Patroclus can only repeat, "He's gone, no, no, no, no..."

Aristos Achaion had vanished. The person who now groveled at the unforgiving walls with bloodied fingers was not the greatest of the Greeks. His Achilles would have known him, and responded to Patroclus' mere breath.

“Achilles,” Patroclus called out to his beloved, but only silence welcomed him. The figure next to him continued scratching at the walls that refused to yield to his force.

Patroclus inched forward to touch his beloved, to carry him back to Elysium where heroes like him lived. But Achilles flinched. “Go...I need...go, must go…” the figure chanted.

“Achilles...please,” Patroclus pleaded. Please come back. Achilles' glazed-back eyes looked back at him, holding no recognition. His beloved did not smile, cry, or utter his name with the determination he had done long ago.

Patroclus' vision blurred as he took in his lover's appearance. His hands were full of blisters, his fingernails had fallen off, his golden hair had been ripped, leaving a bleeding scalp. Every pore of the figure next to him spoke of ruin.

Gone was the wrath, the love, and the life that formed Achilles' soul. Memories that Patroclus had carried for eons were gone. Achilles was gone.

Patroclus crouched next to the figure that shuddered as it tried to shuffle away from him. A venomous voice whispered in Patroclus' mind, "He's hiding, or escaping from whatever torture reigned on him on these shores."

"He's gone because YOU let him go," the voice continued. "He's gone, no, no, no, no..."

Now, as she observed him digging his fingers into the unrelenting walls of Hades' palace, she couldn't help but mellow her currents. She had known him and his mother, and for some reason, even the river of hatred felt a sense of pity.

Styx remembered the man who knelt by her. She remembered him from the time when he was a mere babe.

Achilles Pledis knelt next to her as he called for a name that faded away from him every passing second. A name that was once uttered with the certainty of day and night was now a hushed whisper from a hoarse throat.

Styx observed the Greek hero as he persevered through the harsh whips of guards who tried to drag him back. Yet, he did not go. Achilles remained by her shores. Resentful souls in her body itched to get a hold of the vulnerable demigod.

But Styx held them back. She would spare him of this torture.

[suolainensilakka]

favorite kingdom hearts characters. for science

WELL, gently taps the current pinned post of this blog, that one's a freebie ^__^

Anyway. BOY ranking them all is really hard bc so many characters in the series have permanently set up camp in my head by now and arent particularly inclined to leave any time soon, but if I had to list off just a couple examples that have caused me the most brain damage so far, itd be:

- Terra, hands down my number 1 most specialest guy in the whole world. Instantly became enamored with him from the moment I first set eyes on him and then proceeded to have all of my ribs carefully and meticulously pulled out of my chest one by one throughout the entirety of bbs and the entire rest of the series after that. Its so dire man I literally cannot look at any images of him now without physically having to hold myself back from making a long strangled whine Out Loud With My Mouth every time

- the entire Wayfinder Trio as a collective unit + Vanitas also tbh. Terra's obviously my Primary Favorite but the wayfinders as a whole also make my heart hurt so fucking bad man. My partner and I choose to interpret them all as siblings bc it leads to some exceptionally delicious and painful rs dynamics to explore imo and something abt it just makes The Miseries hit that much harder in ways that have literally had me writhing on the couch with a thousand yard stare rapidly cycling through the five stages of grief on loop. I'm also counting Vanitas as part of the unit bc he's just so closely tied to Ven in my brain that separating them (lol.) feels Wrong (lmao.), and. God. Vanitas might just be one of THE most tragic characters in literally any media I've experienced and I say this without a single hint of irony. The current total wordcount of the rps that I've written abt the wayfinders with my partner so far has probably shot past 50k by now. Why am I hurds

- Kairi. I was originally mostly ambivalent/neutrally intrigued abt her but kept getting increasingly more pissed abt her treatment and constant sidelining by the writing to the point where I got to kh3/mom and something in me snapped entirely, and from that moment onwards I decided to love her entirely out of spite. She instantly shot up to become one of my favorites after that and if I think abt her meta and story potential for longer than five minutes at a time I start frothing at the mouth

- Sora, naturally. I have so so so so many thoughts on this little darling boy that could easily double the wordcount of this ask just by themselves but the most important thing to mention here in lieu of that, for now, is that he's is the One (1) and ONLY child ive ever seen, whether real or fictional, that has made me experience emotions anywhere Close to resembling baby fever. I want to dribble him like a basketball but also gently pinch his cheek affectionately and also spoil him silly like a grandma seeing her beloved grandson again for the first time in months

- Xigbar. This fucko is the one I'm the most mad about ending up liking as much as I do, not because hes a bad character, absolutely far from it I fucking ADORE this terrible bodyhopping little cunt, but because it happened by complete accident after I realized he shares a lot of (surface) similarities with my favorite blorbo from another entirely unrelated franchise and I then got mad about realizing I have a very easily clockable Type (which I've affectionately dubbed the Guys That Suck category. I have more too obv but its the funniest one I have). He's also infuriatingly fun to write. Get me OUT of here

- Xemnas, Terranort and Ansem SoD. Everyone in the Nort Collective counts tbh but those three are the ones I lose sleep over the most, particularly the first two; Xemnas bc he makes me feel an unfathomably deep and haunting sense of grief (brought on by me finishing bbs and then realizing days later the exact way his creation connects to Terra's story and hearing the sound of fucking glass shattering at the back of my head instantly), and Terranort bc I'm fucking terrified of him and he also makes me want to eat gravel whenever I think abt him in context with him interacting with the rest of the wayfinders. He's also really fun to write and this fact Upsets Me. Ansem's listed bc you can never go wrong with the ol reliable mad scientist. The rest of the norts I would probably also be a lot more insane over once I actually get off my damn ass and start picking through the mobile games but that's an endeavor for Future Salty (i am very excited and terrified)

- the Lingering Will. I'm counting it as a separate entity from Terra and the rest of the Terra Collective on a technicality bc (LOUD TELEVISION STATIC AS I GESTURE FRANTICALLY AND FURIOUSLY @ THE JUMBLED BALL OF YARN LABELED "my thoughts on the physical and psychological effects of being a guy who got his soul and entire being shattered into like five million distinct pieces for over 10 Whole Entire Years" THAT I HAVE NOT EXPLAINED THE ENTIRETY OF TO A SINGLE OTHER SOUL ON EARTH) but. Eah. This fucking haunted hunk of metal has been eating holes through my brain tissue ever since I first saw the kh2 secret superboss and I'm distraught over it every single day of my life. This thing is like a weird bug to me. Do you understand. (tearign up) Do you get me. Do I have to pull out the Lingering Will/The Hollow Knight venn diagram

And as for the other fuckos haunting my cranium on the daily I can only mention a couple other honorary picks that honestly could also very well have made it to the main list if not for the fact that this post is already long enough as it is, and these following characters are therefore mostly delegated to Sleeper Agent Blorbos who I don't think about QUITE as often as the ones listed above but whenever I Do I get just as distraught and ailed over them. Anyway, shoutout to the entire Seasalt Trio, Demyx, Riku, Repliku, Naminé and Saïx and probably many others I'm forgetting rn bc it is currently 2 am and I'm running on approximately 5-6 hours of sleep and a prayer 👍 god bless and amen

[toxinellebug]

Coming back from hiatus

I know I haven’t posted for a while and it is not because I have dropped this-

I have been in a funk dealing with the sudden loss of my mother this year and finding the emotional and physical energy to write has been a challenge.

I have never known a pain this great, and it eats at me every day. I empathize with Adrien; losing your mom and not being given a clear explanation how or why it happened is life shattering. I feel so much grief but also unrelenting anger at everything around me, and a resentment towards people around me and on social media or the news or even in public… People who live filthy lifestyles and smoke and drink and eat junkfood, older people in poor health… why are THEY still alive, when my mother is not? It isn’t fair.

There are awful people in this world; junkies, terrorists, racist politicians in their 80’s… they all deserve to die, yet they continue to live unnecessarily long while good, kind people who should still have decades ahead of them, die for no good or apparent reason.

How can you NOT hate such an ugly world? How can you not want others to suffer as much as you in compensation? How can you ever dream of being happy again when the one person who loved you the most in the entire world was ripped out of it too early without warning?

EmoAdrian is justified in wanting to destroy the world around him. A world without the warmth of your mother deserves to burn down.

[ao3feed-brucewayne]

she lived in her world (and she saw it die)

read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/f8vm37D by biancadiangelosgf "Who are you?" She yelled, slamming her fists against the pod that she'd been sleeping in from Krypton. The man who held it aloft looked almost familiar, but the shock and borderline fear that grasped his features when the glass shattered under her hands was entirely foreign. / my version of kara's arrival Words: 1629, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English Fandoms: DCU (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Superman - All Media Types Rating: General Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply Categories: Gen Characters: Kara Zor-El, Kara Danvers, Clark Kent, Bruce Wayne, Jor-El Relationships: Clark Kent & Kara Zor-El Additional Tags: Minor Clark Kent/Bruce Wayne, If You Squint - Freeform, Aliens, clark is SHIT as kryptonian and he speaks like a 70 yr old scientist., Kara Zor-El Needs a Hug, Kara Zor-El-centric, Kara Zor-El's arrival, unrelated but she has an accent in english but she tells everyone that it's just a smallville accent, Martian Manhunter cameo, i have a lot of kara thoughts guyss read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/f8vm37D

[womensecretinfo]

Stages of a Breakup: Navigating the Emotional Journey

Introduction Today, in the stages of a breakup, you guys will read something different. Breakups are an inevitable part of many relationships, and they often bring forth a whirlwind of emotions that can be overwhelming and challenging to navigate. Each breakup is unique, and individuals may experience various emotions as they go through the different stages of this emotional journey. This article will explore the various stages of a breakup, delving into the profound emotions and experiences accompanying each step. Denial: The Illusion of Permanence At the onset of a breakup, it is common for individuals to find themselves in a state of denial. This stage is characterized by a refusal to accept the reality of the relationship's end. We cling to hope, desperately believing things will return to how they once were. Denial shields us from the pain and uncertainty that lies ahead, providing a temporary respite from the harsh truth. Heartache: The Crushing Weight of Loss As denial begins to fade, the weight of loss comes crashing down upon us. Heartache permeates every aspect of our being, leaving us feeling shattered and vulnerable. It's as if our hearts have been ripped open, exposing raw emotions that consume us entirely. Grief engulfs our souls, and tears flow freely as we mourn the loss of what once was. Anger: The Fiery Storm Within Anger surges through us like an unrelenting storm fueled by our pain. It is a natural response to the hurt and betrayal experienced during a breakup. We direct our anger toward our ex-partner, ourselves, and the world around us. The flames of fury may burn brightly, leaving us with a sense of righteousness or a desire for revenge. It is crucial to channel this anger constructively, finding healthy outlets for expression and release. Reflection: Seeking Understanding and Closure During the turmoil, we begin to reflect upon the relationship and the events leading up to its demise. This stage offers an opportunity for self-discovery and growth. We search for answers, seeking an understanding of what went wrong and how we can learn from the experience. Reflection brings clarity and a chance for closure, enabling us to move forward with newfound wisdom and self-awareness. Acceptance: Embracing Healing and Growth Finally, acceptance dawns upon us, bringing peace and liberation. We acknowledge that the relationship has ended and make peace with the reality of the situation. Acceptance does not mean we forget or erase the memories; instead, it allows us to let go of the pain and forge a path toward healing and personal growth. It is a transformative stage that paves the way for new beginnings and a brighter future. FAQs Is it normal to experience conflicting emotions during a breakup? Absolutely. Breakups often stir up a whirlwind of emotions, and it's completely normal to feel conflicting emotions at different stages of the process. How long does it take to heal from a breakup? Healing is a personal and unique journey for each individual. There is no specific timeline, as it varies depending on various factors, such as the length of the relationship and personal resilience. Should I maintain contact with my ex-partner after a breakup? Establishing a period of no contact is advisable to allow both parties to heal and gain clarity. Reestablishing contact should only be considered when both individuals have had sufficient time to process the breakup. What role does self-care play in the healing process? Self-care is vital during a breakup. It involves nurturing your physical, emotional, and mental well-being through activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and a sense of rejuvenation. How can I support a friend going through a breakup? Be there for your friend, offering a listening ear and non-judgmental support. Encourage them to express their emotions and remind them that healing takes time. Provide resources such as books or therapy if needed. Conclusion The stages of a breakup encompass a roller coaster of emotions, taking us on a profound and transformative journey. From denial to acceptance, each stage holds its unique challenges and opportunities for growth. We must honor our emotions, allowing ourselves to feel and process the pain while nurturing self-compassion and resilience. Through self-reflection and self-care, we can emerge from the depths of a breakup stronger and wiser. Remember, healing takes time, and each individual's journey is unique. Embrace the stages, seek support from loved ones, and trust that the process will lead you to renewed hope and happiness. Read the full article

[kingnin64]

Nin life update #1

Let's get the big one out of the way: I'm going back to my old job.

I hate that I'm saying that, and I've felt a pit in my chest all day. They called me again, begging me to come back because they only have 4 workers. After I quit, the lady that drugged me eventually went to jail again and got fired, finally. Then, one of the people I convinced to work there quit because he found a better job. One worker is on vacation, and the other is only available on weekends.

So, after failing to get a job over the past month and getting to a financial point where I am consuming the last of my groceries and not paying rent, despite all the job applications I put in, I am going back to Dollar General, the job that almost sent me back to self harm.

Now, for some less depressing news: speedrunning is going very well :)

No world records or top 5's yet, but I'm doing great. Sludge Life 2 released, and I got to experience what it was like to make a speedrun route for a game. I feel like I did a very good job, because my sum of best is much faster than the other runners. I think, as long as I get my run done, I'll hold the world record for like... a day lol.

I had one really good run, but I got to the very end and realized I missed ONE tag. The door on the balcony opens if you've collected all 100 tags. You can see my heart fall out of my chest and shatter into a million pieces on the ground.

Don't forget to follow my Sludge Life speedrunning blog if you wanna see more about the runs :)

Finally, I checked out my old YouTube videos.

Nothing too big to say about it, but I do still feel really proud of everything I've created. With some inspiration from @voltbuttumblin during his streaming anniversary, I've kinda been playing with the idea of making YouTube content again. Unfortunately, this has to coincide with me getting a job that physically and emotionally drains me again, so it probably won't happen.

I just miss when I was making those "record while I play with friends and turn it into a video if it was funny" days. I was documenting the time I was spending with the people I care about. All my friends are very funny, and I love every minute I spend with them. I miss them so much.

And now, for some bonus rambling:

Nowadays, I'm more antisocial. My time at Dollar General really broke me. I lost a lot of friends, and my relevance has really died down since leaving Toiu's community way back then. I don't know if my relative popularity would have survived even if I stayed though, so I try not to think about it too much.

I've met a lot of new people I'm too nervous to talk to. I used to be a natural at approaching and communicating with people, but now I really think a ton about each thing I say to them. I don't think that's so much due to my anxiety as it is due to my self hatred. Over the years, losing friends, developing bad habits... working in retail... it's all really put a dampener on my self-image.

I used to not be a good person. A lot of people with BPD can probably relate to having some bad behavior in the past, or perhaps they're even struggling with it now. So now, any time someone even says the word "manipulative," it feels like it's instantly aimed at me, I take it to heart, and I feel like nothing's changed. This happens with almost everything negative now. All the lost friends? It's most certainly due to my behavior, and not due to people naturally drifting apart.

I get so much shit in my head. I take normal, meaningless shit, and I add so much meaning to it to make myself feel bad. Friend said something entirely unrelated to me but it potentially could be about me? Oh honey it's about me. It hurts to live like this.

Every time I'm in a group, I know I will eventually lose it because of my own insecurities. Even when nobody has anything against me- even if I was a perfect human being, I would imagine some dramatic reason people might slightly dislike me. EVEN PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN TALK TO. Like, I tweet a lot of shit, and there's some people I really respect that follow me, even though we don't talk, and I always worry that they will block me or something.

It sucks, dude. That's all there is to say. See you next update <3

[yournextflame]

To add to your theory there’s also the candletree shield: “Thought to represent a surreptitious prophecy of cardinal sin, the lit candle-tree design was forbidden”

Just that description alone would seem to point to fire+erdtree=bad lol but you can find several candelabra like spirit trees that resemble the design on the shield and when you examine them a ghost leads you to something hidden nearby. Which reminded me of this part of Helphen’s Steeple description: “the lampwood which guides the dead of the spirit world”

I'll reply to you and other anon, who asked about connection between spirit world and Miquella/St. Trina in one post.

You brought a great point about wandering ghosts, not only they are spawning near candletrees, but lamps shaped like candletrees can be found in the praying room of Haligtree near the statue of Miquella. Or St. Trina?

However, at first I wanted to say that Candletree Shield might be unrelated to the subjext due to difference in design, until I found out that this shield is located in Sage's Cave, a home of Necromancer Garris. Garris is quite an interesting guy, he is a link between ancient death sorsery of Deathbirds and modern incarnation of death sorcery.

I really didn't want to touch this subject in a mere reply, but let me explain. Whatever ritual Ranni did with Godwyn allowed to rediscover old ghostflame magic of Deathbirds and their outer god that predated existance of the Erdtree (Explosive Ghostflame: in the time when there was no Erdtree, death was burned in ghostflame. Deathbirds were the keepers of that fire)

Ancient Death Rancor: sorcery of the servants of Death. Summons a horde of vengeful spirits that chase down foes. Charging enhances potency. They are cinders of the ancient death hex, raked from the fires of ghostflame by Deathbirds.

Rancorcall: sorcery of the servants of Death. Summons vengeful spirits that chase down foes. Charging enhances potency. Once though lost, this ancient death hex was rediscovered by the necromancer Garris. 

Background sigils is one the best future of Elden Ring from the perspective of lore hunting because they are allowing us to indicate origin of spells, for example in case of incantations we can easily define an object of worship. It works similar for the sorceries, but Death sorceries is the absolute ??? because their sigil is cursemark of Godwyn, who was killed right before the Shattering. I can see why new Death spells are using it, but how they are connected with the old magic? Wtf Ranni did, where did she learned about the ritual and how it's all connected to the outer god of Deathbirds?

So, before I'm going to lose my mind over death sorceries, let me summarize: Miquella cares about Godwyn, who was killed by Black Knives, but can't die properly, Miquella also has candledtrees near his statue - necromancer fanatic of Deathbirds rediscovered sorcery, which is powered up by Godwyn's cursemark, this dude also has nascent butterfly in his basement (his butterfly appears as if it's just emerged from its cocoon for its entire life), Candletree shield and... Black Knife Assassin and talisman that they used during NoBK (Concealing Veil: Part of one of the concealing veils used by the assassins on the Night of Black Knives) - Miquella also planned to do something with eclipsed sun, the eclipsed sun, drained of color, is the protective star of soulless demigods/ The sun in eclipse is said to be the symbol of the Wandering Mausoleum where the soulless demigods slumber, and the stars, as we know, is the source of power for sorceries.

Lord Miquella, forgive me. The sun has not been swallowed. Our prayers were lacking. Your comrade remains soulless... (Ghost at the Castle Sol)

(THERE IS TOO MUCH GOING ON WITH NECROMANCER GARRIS)

Okay, I do believe that dreamworld is connected to the spirit world if not the same thing. We find Godwyn's malformed corpses the location named Deathbed Dream.

Worth noting that items and objects related to sleep and some items with connection to death (Grave Violet, Godskins jewelry, water near Tibia Mariner) are violet (the hue of ghostflame, it's believed to be useful in calling forth spirits):

It also interesting how description St. Trina's Arrow

Priests of St. Trina use these arrows to spread their teachings. The sweet oblivion of sleep can become quite the habit

matches description of Juvenile Scholar Cap:

Robe worn by young academy scholars, the juveniles birthed anew by the amber egg of Queen Rennala, the head of Raya Lucaria Academy. Yet their rebirth is not without imperfections, and thus do they repeat the process, eventually becoming utterly dependent upon it. Rebirth is as sleep to them, and with each awakening, memory fades into oblivion.

There is an interesting theory in Chinese community that all Empyrean children of Radagon are connected via sleep sorcery. Miquella is self-explanatory, Ranni asks Tarnished do not disturb mother's rich slumber, goes to nap during her quest, puts into a sleep merchant and his donkey the first time we've met her. There is not a lot of about Malenia, but she is sleeping, while waiting for Miquella. Some people even suggest that Empyrean kids inherited those powers from their father, albeit it's never mentioned.

Ah, and last but not least. Do you know that you can see Godwyn's face on some crabs?

Well, crabs are one of the few enemies in game, who can cast a sleep status on Tarnished. They are usually doing it near Raya Lucaria.

[soleilnomoon]

intrude ; jean x reader.

4.2k words, fem reader, nsfw - public sex, (slight) degradation, oral (m. receiving), other cute things like profanity, annoying pet names, spanking, hatred, jealousy; jean is a dumbass and a mean bitch. a summary (of sorts): jean jumps to conclusions but refuses to admit it.

fic request for @strawhatsoraya *washes hands* here is your part 2, it's out of my hands now previous ⤹ | next ⤹

morning disrupts your peaceful slumber, your body sluggish and heavy—it feels like you’ve been out for twelve hours. in reality, it’s only been five. you never sleep through the night, but this is the most you’ve slept in ages. when you lift your head, you realize you spent the night in his room, your legs still tangled with his. much too intimate for your liking. you assume he was drunk, or worse—out of his mind, perhaps—and you scramble off of the bed, away from his hold, your cheeks on fire as you put some distance between you. 

tripping over your feet, you manage to get to the door and bolt out of the room as quickly as you can. you bump into the other members of your squad, ignoring their questions, not wanting to think about him or anything related to him right now. you’re a little peeved, but you try to keep that to a minimum, not wanting to take out your frustrations on anyone that doesn’t deserve your wrath. even as you shower, your mood never lifts; you replay the events from last night over and over, wondering what possessed you.

maybe it was residual fatigue from getting lost far from the village? or maybe, it just felt nice to be held like that. you’re not sure; but what you are sure of, is that you will never, ever make that mistake twice.

you scrub your skin raw, needing to feel something other than the uneasiness that swells in your stomach, making you jittery and nervous throughout the morning. after accidentally bumping into armin, the stack of ceramic plates in his hands slip, falling one by one onto the floor. they shatter on impact, the hardwood flooring littered with bits and pieces of the shiny, glazed plates—sharp, ready to dig into anyone that bothers to clean it up.

levi’s words are severe, unrelenting as he berates you all day long for your clumsiness. you blame jean. it’s his fault, he always distracts you; and now you’re on levi’s shit list, which is the worst place to be these days. he’s always irate, as if he has a chip on his shoulder—and you might be imagining things, but you notice his annoyance seems to intensify whenever he leaves out of erwin’s office.

not that it’s any of your business, anyway.

you’ve got bigger fish to fry. 

it’s late in the afternoon when he finally runs into you. jean peers down at you, a scowl on his face, displeasure etched into every line; eyebrow twitching, sneering as he gets in your face. “cute trick,” he says, jaw clenching once the words leave his mouth.

confusion wrapped in annoyance swirls around your body. “what’s that supposed to mean?” you don’t like his tone, the way his ocher eyes take in your entire body, or the accompanying shiver that shoots through you like a meteor. 

jean scoffs at you maliciously, unimpressed by the way you’re pretending to not remember. “your disappearing act.” his nonchalance slaps at you repeatedly, it shouldn’t affect you but it does. badly. “couldn’t wait to get away from me, huh?” his voice drops to a whisper, but his words still carve themselves inside of you; you clench your teeth so hard, suffering under his menacing aura—the one that he hides from the world until he snaps.

you take a tentative step backwards and then realize, belatedly, that he has you cornered. the hallway is dim enough to , untouched by open windows or artificial lighting. your back touches the wall, hands trembling as you ball them into fists—hoping to calm down fast enough to think of an escape plan. you don’t know why you’re nervous, you’ve been around him more times than you could ever count. but something about his demeanor, about the way he crowds your space, the forceful way he slams his hands on either side of your head, the sound thundering in your ears, making it difficult to focus; something about that flips a switch inside of you.

it’s baffling, to say the least, but you won’t back down—you can’t, your pride is on the line.

when you look up, all he sees is defiance; and for some reason, it makes him want to stamp it out of you. “well?”  he taunts, dark brow raising afterward.

your tongue darts out, moistening your lips; you need to think fast. jean isn’t the sort to get fooled easily, so you fix your expression, and opt for a bored look instead. “you’re boring me, can you hurry it up?” you hope that he buys that, and that he doesn’t see through your flimsy façade—or see the way your thighs press together subtly. this is too much, even for you.

you needed to get away; why haven’t you gotten away yet?

for a moment, jean says nothing—a little stunned that you said that—but when it clicks for him, all he can do is smile slyly. that stupid butterfly in your chest multiplies two, the wings flapping around and stirring up your anxiety. you inhale deeply, taking in his scent and regretting it immediately. you wish he smelled bad so you could find a reason to tell him off. but he doesn’t. all you want to do is press closer and—

no. you refrain from doing any of that, face steeled as you feign mild annoyance—going so far as to purse your lips. but jean sees through all of that; the false bravado, the aloofness, the restraint. he almost pities you, almost wants to tell you that you don’t have to keep trying because nothing you do is working. but he doesn’t. 

his silence is somehow more intense than you thought it would be, and loud. so, so loud. “can you move? i need to find eren.” as soon as the name leaves your mouth, you regret it. it was unintentional on your part—you just said the first name that popped into your head, but the damage is done. irreparable. jean’s eyes narrow harshly at your words, a dark cloud hovering over him; he pulls his hand off of the wall, grips your throat tightly, rough fingers pressing into your skin. the pain is practically nonexistent, almost as if you’ve wanted this very scenario to happen to you. as your lips part, your eyelids flutter and prevent any attempt you make to stay coherent.

“it would be eren, wouldn’t it?” he knows he should let you go and should probably think a little more before speaking, but he won’t—he’s so damn irritated and aroused that he doesn’t know how to handle it. “answer me,” he demands roughly, thumb pressing hard on a particular spot, causing you to let out a startled moan. the sound has his cock straining against his pants, erection thick as it presses against you.

you’re a little lightheaded from the way he’s holding you against the wall, but he releases you suddenly and you take another deep breath, heart pounding much too loudly in your chest for it to be considered normal. “it’s actually none of your business, jean.” you tilt your head up so you can glare at him properly. “i can talk to whoever the fuck i want, whenever the fuck i want. got it?” you hope that’ll be enough to deter him, enough to make him leave you behind and seek out another—the thought of that brings a sour taste to the back of your throat. you don’t bother unpacking that at all.

all the while, jean watches you carefully, a quiet anger pouring out of him, the waves nearly knocking you over; your teeth sink into your bottom lip as you consider your options. there aren’t many, and you don’t know if they’ll work, but you’ll try anything. you’re a little lost in thought, so you let out a genuine whimper when he grabs your chin roughly and yanks your lip free. “i swear, all you know how to do is run your fucking mouth.” you blink stupidly at him, all of your thoughts coming to a halt. “don’t bother denying it,” he says when you try to speak again, his lips brushing against the shell of your ear, your fingers digging into his shirt, “keep fucking talking.” his breath is a welcomed warmth against your skin, your hips moving forward, lightly making contact with the bulge in his pants. “by the time i’m done with you, you’ll be too tired to move your mouth.”

something about his words felt like a devious promise that he’s threatening you with; you should slap him for it, maybe even break his arm, anything. jean licks the spot right underneath your earlobe and you inhale sharply; this shouldn’t happen, you don’t even understand how you let yourself get into this mess. but here you are, panting in the back of a hallway, a dull ache making its way to your abdomen, the front of your panties dampening as a result. when he ruthlessly sucks on your skin, you clench your thighs together and swallow back a moan. 

absolutely impossible. if he ever finds out, you’ll never hear the end of it.

admiring the mark he left behind with a smirk, he allows his hands to travel along your curves until they glide around and grab your ass. he’s wanted to do that for so, so long, and now that he’s had his chance, he wants to do it again. “tell me,” he says once his lips brush against yours, “why eren?” your breathing turns shallow and you make one last ditch attempt at saving yourself. 

you push against his chest, irritation bubbling underneath your skin when he doesn’t budge. “like i said previously,” you say with as much venom as you can muster, “i can talk to whoever the fuck i want. you don’t have a say in that.” it’s infuriating having to repeat yourself; jean’s behavior should alarm you—scare you, even—and maybe it does, but you’re also someone who doesn’t know when to stop.

you’re also a big fan of taking risky gambles.

he grabs your face, fingers digging into your skin harshly; you claw at his arms as he brings your mouth close to his. “that’s the thing, bunny,” he says before biting your lip hard enough to draw blood. you slap a hand on his chest, and he laughs viciously at your half-hearted attempt. the nickname drives you up the walls—he knows that, it’s why he’s using it. you hate him a little more because of that. “i’m gonna ruin you,” he says a little louder, his hand sliding down so he can caress your face, “so that the only name you’ll remember is mine.”

jean runs his tongue along your bleeding lip, the sting tolerable as he laps it all up; when he finally kisses you, his tongue lunges unexpectedly into your mouth—he swallows your surprise, all of your irritation, and each moan that follows. that familiar, coppery taste compels you to let him have his way just this once. drowning pathetically in his openmouthed kisses, your body growing hot, the desire suddenly too much for you. his cock throbs from neglect, the erection making him erratic and nonsensical. it’s all very thrilling, and you’re so pliant it almost feels unreal.

pulling away from you is difficult, but he manages just fine. his fingers sift through your hair, tangling around your curls and pulling on it to get your attention. 

“kneel.” 

he gives you a bit of room and you sink to your knees in front of him; you don’t know why you’re listening, but it’s almost as if you’re a marionette—he pulls on your strings with a sharp elegance, making your throat dry quickly. you undo his pants, tugging down with his underwear, watching as they slide down his hips and eventually pool around his ankles. his cock is impressive, a large bead of precum dripping out of his slit, the thickness of the head calling out to you devilishly.

you look up at him, a little demure, but mostly excited—although you’re not sure if it’ll fit in your mouth. jean grabs your hair again. 

“open.”

his husky voice sends a shockwave through your body, his tone and cadence dark, yet alluring. your lips part and once you open your mouth wider, he shoves his cock inside with a single, reckless thrust. you gag, hands flying to his thighs, nails sinking into his skin, making him hiss but the pleasure overrides the bit of pain. your eyes threaten to close as he starts moving his hips, cock quickly sliding in and out of your mouth. you relax your jaw, opening your throat to accommodate for his length. he yanks on your hair, eyes wild with lust, drool dribbling onto your chin. “open your fucking eyes, don’t you dare try to run from me.” 

again, he’s saying impossible things. it’s not that you want to run, it’s that your pussy is so wet you’re going to explode at any moment. he pulls out of you and you use your hands to stroke him immediately, twisting and turning around his length, enjoying the deep groans that drift out of his mouth. you run your tongue flat against the head of his cock, licking his precum, and moan when you start sucking on his tip. “fuck…,” he bites down onto his lip, cursing again under his breath. “this is turning you on, isn’t it?” he asks, his mind in a haze, voice low; the way you’re just taking him in that pretty little mouth of yours pushes him dangerously to the edge. 

“wonder what i’ll find if you pull down your pants, hm?” 

as your eyes widen at him, you remind yourself how much you fucking hate, hate, hate him right now. your expression is priceless; it’s exactly what he’s been waiting for. you try so hard to dislike him, but he knows the truth; has known for some time, but it’s great that he gets to witness your silent confession.

“ohh,” he drawls before cooing at you wickedly, “pretty bunny, don’t you wanna show me how much you’re enjoying yourself?” there’s nothing gentle or sweet about what he’s asking you. “or,” and his expression changes to something dark, possessive even as he pulls your head back, his grip on your hair tight enough to make you wince, “is that something you’re saving to show eren later?” the idea sinks its claws into his mind, making him too stupid to see reason. you want to roll your eyes, but you’re pissed off too. his cock is still standing firm, taunting you with its size.

“fuck off, jean,” you hiss, eyes burning with frustration, “i told y—” he grabs your arm and hauls you to your feet effortlessly—the strength on this man absurd, yet you marvel at it.

“and i already told you,” he grunts angrily, cupping you crudely through your pants, your hips jerking forward at the contact, “stop fucking talking. you speak when i tell you to speak.”

brows furrowed, lips parting, argument already lodged in the back of your throat, he slides his hand inside your pants, fingers tugging your panties to the side and swiping at your slick folds. his touch is electric, divine and hellish all rolled into one; you don’t even care that he’s talking like that, you just want him to keep touching you.

“that’s what i fucking thought,” he says as fondly as a man like him can, teasing your clit before plunging a finger inside of you. his lips are on yours again, an addict seeking out his drug of choice, kissing you fervently, euphoria bursting inside of you as he inserts another finger. jean plunges his fingers in and out lazily, drawing out tiny cries of pleasure from you; your muffled moans only encourage him to curl his fingers a certain way and your pussy clenches around him in warning. it doesn’t phase him, though, as he keeps fingerfucking you like that, wrist bent, your clit bumping against his palm as he scissors his fingers inside of you.

“now,” his mouth pressed against your ear, his smooth voice eliciting a shudder that shakes you to your core, “i’ll give you one chance, so answer wisely.” you nod, barely paying attention, more focused on the waves of pleasure that wash over you with each thrust of his fingers. “who has your pussy dripping and begging to be fucked in the middle of this hallway?” when you open your mouth to respond, jean picks up the pace, your hips rolling faster, heart beating hard enough to put you into a coma.

“ahh,” you yell out, causing him to laugh and laugh, until you finish with: “g-god, god, fuck…” 

he grunts in displeasure, pressing his forehead against yours, as he says menacingly, “wrong fucking answer.” after he inserts a third finger, you lose it entirely, falling apart on his hand, tears rolling down your cheeks, your legs barely able to carry you. he works you through the orgasm, you hold onto him in desperation, because you know if you don’t, you’ll fall. his thumb grazes your clit and you leap out of your skin, the stimulation too much, your pussy sensitive after cumming like that.

but, jean, being impossibly jean, doesn’t care. he rubs your clit slowly, watching you tremble like a fawn that can’t get the grasp of walking yet. “i said i’d only give you one chance to get it right,” he licks the tears that roll down your cheeks.

“s-sorry, i’m sorry,” you sob, unable to take the overstimulation, your pussy aching, a fierce jolt of arousal clouding your mind, making it difficult to think straight. “please, jean, i can’t.”

he doesn’t let up for a while and when he removes his fingers, he admires the way your arousal sticks to his skin. “see that, bunny? remember that the next time you touch yourself when i’m not around.” you watch him as he slides his fingers into his mouth, licking them clean; it’s such an erotic sight, the way his throat bobs as he swallows, you can’t believe you spent so much time fighting him all those years.

before you can stop yourself, you lean forward on your tiptoes and kiss him sloppily, tongue seeking his, sucking on it almost immediately. he moans against your lips, allows you to taste yourself on him, helping him tug your pants and wet panties off in a hurry. you’ve really forgotten that anyone can catch you if they meander back there and poke their head around the corner. still, you get lost in him; he’s taken you for an exhilarating ride, one that you don’t want to end.

his cock still painfully hard, he turns you around; you place your hands on the wall and lean forward, arching your back so your hips and ass are angled properly. it’s on impulse that he brings his hand down hard and slaps your ass, the impact making it jiggle around in a way that mesmerizes him. you never thought you’d find that sort of punishment pleasurable, but with jean everything spins out of your control—you barely know who you are anymore.

rubbing his tip in between your folds, you moan out his name, and he laughs because it’s so ironic—you fought him so hard earlier, and now look at you. “you’re being so good, y’know that?” and good behavior deserved rewards. with one hand on your hip, grabbing it hard enough to probably leave behind a bruise, he slips his cock into your warm entrance, bit by bit, sucking in a breath in surprise. part of him wants to take his time, to have you adjust to his size properly, to give you something better than what he has planned—but the other part of him, the fiendish, petty part, doesn’t care about that. and it’s that part that pulls the strings; jean buries his cock inside of you deeply, the thrust making your toes curl in your boots. 

your whimpers only make him snap his hips again, harder, a breathy moan spilling from your lips; he bites your earlobe and whispers, “if you keep this up, everyone will hear you.” your eyes widen in realization, you try to keep your voice down, but jean seems entirely too interested in fucking you senseless. your eyes roll back and his lips press kisses on your neck. you want to tell him that it’s because of him that you’re having a hard time keeping quiet. if his cock wasn’t hitting that delicious spot, if his balls slapping against you didn’t turn you on, if you could actually be pissed by his shitty attitude, you’d be better off.

but that’s not the case, is it?

he likes seeing you like this, completely at his mercy, pussy on display for no one else but him. he grabs the back of your neck and pulls you in for a kiss, his mouth whispering filthy promises as his thrusts become less rhythmic and more incendiary. you’ve lost count of how many times you’ve cum, and as you’re writhing beneath him, you’re prepared to embrace another orgasm. “j-jean,” you pant, voice strained and hoarse.

“tell me what you need,” he coaxes, giving you short strokes that has your pussy clamping down tightly around him. “fuck, bunny, you really wanna cum again, huh?” 

you nod weakly, too tired to say anything, and too drunk off of him to bother trying. 

he drives into you roughly, fucking you like he hates you—and maybe he does, a little; you do piss him off, but not in the way he claims. it’s more complicated than he cares to think about. he brings you the sort of high you can’t find anywhere else, he places a hand over your mouth just before you let out a scream. you bite his palm hard, your body trembling violently as your orgasm leaves you breathless, his laughter reminding you that he’s still in control. “shit…,” he says airily, his stomach tightening as he slams his cock into you, bloodthirsty, vengeful, outright disrespectful—

yet at the same time, it makes you feel impossible, unattainable things; he was right, about saying he would ruin you. you can’t imagine anyone making you feel the way he has. he doesn’t bother pulling out, instead choosing to cum inside of you. his releases a shaky breath, grinning as he takes in the sight of you; tear-stained face, bruised lips, face the epitome of ecstasy. “hey,” he says loud enough to snap you out of your daze, “look at the mess we’ve made together.” your eyes drift lower and you whimper as he pulls his cock out of you, cum running down the insides of your thighs; it’s a sight to see, really. 

you don’t think you’ve ever seen such a lewd, filthy scene before in your life.

it’s shameful the way you like it. he turns you around again, his arm wrapping around your waist to keep you from falling. you press your forehead on his chest, trying to catch your breath. it’s clear you’re having a heart attack; the way you can’t seem to take in enough air can’t be healthy.

you shoot him a sharp glare, to which he smiles wolfishly at. “got somethin’ to say?” he raises a thick, dark brown eyebrow, challenging you to say something contrary. 

to your credit, whatever you want to tell him never makes it out of your mouth—you mentally remind yourself to just just tell him off another time. guilt has jean feeling a tiny bit of regret once he sees the marks he’s left on your neck and hips. still, he warned you several times—his patience reached its limits the night before, and then you left and he got pissy over it, thinking the worst, and seeking you out all day. despite all of that, he knows he needs to make things right. kind of.

“too rough?”

you can’t believe he’s actually asking that now of all times. “what do you think?” your sass comes back full force, although your voice is scratchy, and it hurts to move your mouth. but him? he just chuckles quietly at your plight. 

“i see your mouth is working just fine again,” his voice has a sharp edge to it, making you gulp as you fix yourself. the fact that you let jean fuck you like that will haunt you forever. he’s still handsome as ever, even as he tucks himself back into his pants, even as he grabs you and kisses you fiercely, stealing your rationality all over again. you’re not sure if you’ll ever get tired of him kissing you—which is a fucking problem, obviously.

“you’re an ass,” you say swiftly and duck away from him. “but, i don’t totally hate you now.” your face flushes when you see cum on the floor; you need to get out of there. “i need ten business days to recover, so leave me alone until then.” it’s all he hears you say when you scurry off, desperate to shower so you can shriek under the water and try to not think of ways to intentionally piss jean off again. you’re too ashamed to face him, so you’ll do your best to avoid him for as long as you can—or else everyone will know just how badly he has you wrapped around his finger. and you’d rather die than anyone find that out.